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Chapter Text

He'd told Dean Winchester once it was like being chained to a comet and never did find a better description. Most of the time it was all he could do to hold on without burning in Castiel's light; occasional flashes broke through, traumatic moments, more desperate fights than he cared to think about, and sometimes when he was very lucky moments of such beauty and transcendence it almost hurt his soul to have them end. Those flashes were very few and far between, usually coming when Castiel was distracted or hurting or just so taken with what was in front of him that he let cracks appear in the wall between them. Most of the time the angel was careful to keep him safely asleep, pushed down deep enough to be past any awareness.

So Jimmy knew it had to be an incredibly bad sign that he was fully awake now.

Castiel? Castiel, what's going on? He'd woken to chaos, to confusion and scrambling and above all to pain. He looked through the angel's (his, dammit) eyes and caught a flash of a stunningly beautiful, dark-haired woman holding a bloodied sword; he felt something wet running down his side and realized with a lurch that he'd (they'd?) been stabbed. For a second he thought it had finally happened, that someone had landed that lucky shot and he and Castiel were seconds away from exploding into nothingness.

But something was wrong. The wound was too low, in-and-out through his side, not his chest or throat or some other lethal spot; Jimmy knew exactly what kind of damage Castiel could put his body through and this wound should have barely registered. It took a moment to realize it, but the pain wasn't coming from the wound. It was coming from Castiel.

He could feel the angel's spirit, his Grace, whatever the light was suffused through his body convulsing from pain. He felt the whoosh of wings unfurling and then they were somewhere else, but not where Castiel had intended; he tried again and Jimmy felt his surge of panic and frustration when this jump fell even shorter of the mark. The third try wasn't any more successful and ended with Castiel slamming hard to the ground like a shot bird.

This time he didn't get back up. The pain came in spasms, stronger and stronger by the second; Jimmy felt his body curl up as Castiel tried to understand what was happening. Before either of them could catch their breath Jimmy felt a thrum at the back of his head. He felt his muscles stiffen, felt Castiel smother down another flash of panic and Jimmy realized what it meant: the angels had found them. They were coming.

Dean, Jimmy suggested. Call Dean. And he could tell that Castiel desperately wanted to call Dean but when he tried to move his hand pain twisted him up until Jimmy could feel him shaking.

"I can't," he whispered, the words thick with horror. He tried again and pain spiraled through him, like someone had put a corkscrew in his Grace and started turning. Castiel curled up tighter against the pain and Jimmy fought down his own surge of panic. Losing his head now wouldn't help anyone.

He remembered being fourteen and trapped in the backseat of a car careening down the freeway; one night his best friend had the brilliant idea that they should all go joy riding in one of his neighbor's prized classic cars (that had been an Impala too, now that he thought about it); Jimmy didn't know why he'd gone along with it but did he ever regret it the second they pulled out into traffic. They'd just hit 90 mph when the driver (someone's brother, Jimmy had never even met the guy and never saw him again) started wheezing. They'd almost side-swiped a tractor trailer as he tried to fumble out an inhaler but the attack just got worse; Jimmy remembered feeling keen, sharp terror run through him as everyone started to panic.

It felt a lot like now. He'd been raised in the church but that was the first time he'd really prayed. He'd always credited that prayer for giving him the sense to lean forward into the front seat and grab the wheel; he'd prayed every second that God would just let him get the car to the shoulder and still didn't know how he'd managed it.

Of course, years later he would wonder if he'd had an angel on his shoulder even then. Still, what had worked once might work again; he focused on that memory and reached.

For a second he thought it wasn't going to work; Jimmy didn't pray anymore but he couldn't stop himself from one desperate, helpless please. He felt something shift and suddenly he could see through his own eyes, not just feel his body move but actually move it. He felt Castiel let out a weak, surprised Hey but he didn't have time to worry about an angel's sense of propriety. He fumbled the phone out of his pocket and and flipped it open; there was no handy contact list so he just hit send on the most recent call.

When he heard Dean Winchester's voice he didn't think he'd ever felt so relieved in his life. "Cas? Shit, you still have your phone? I thought that exploded."

Jimmy didn't even want to know what that meant. "Dean, I don't have time. Where are you?"

"I...Hampton Inn in Clackamas, Oregon. Rm 312." Dean sounded suspicious. Suspicious and worried. "Cas, you okay? You sound weird."

"I'll explain when I get there." He ended the call before Dean could ask any questions. "Did you get that?"

He'd felt Castiel react to Dean's voice, a quick shiver running through his Grace. Yes. Jimmy could tell Castiel was just barely aware, pain still hitting him in crippling spasms. A map unfolded in his mind, like an angelic GPS. "Good. Any chance you could get us there?"

The light inside him coiled tighter. "Okay. Okay, you keep that location up and I'll do the heavy lifting." The thrum of the other angels' approach was louder now and Jimmy knew they were out of time. He tried as hard as he could to make the wings move, like trying to operate heavy machinery he'd only seen work on TV.

He heard a flutter of wings; he opened his eyes and saw angels circled around them, the female angel who'd wounded him at their head. Her sword was still bloody. Rahmiel, he heard Castiel whisper, confusion and pain infusing the word. Not Raphael's...I don't understand....

"Are you awake?" she said, her brows rising in concern that to Jimmy's eyes actually looked genuine. "I'm so sorry. I didn't intend for you to feel any of this." She trailed her fingers through his hair and Jimmy felt Castiel curl up in agony just from the touch. "Don't fear. This will be over very soon."

Her eyes were kind but there was something buried there, something deep and wild, and every instinct in Jimmy told him to get away as fast as he can. Get them both away. She reached for him again and he closed his eyes, concentrating as hard as he could on those wings, those wings and the safety represented by Dean Winchester. Maybe it was pure adrenaline, but when he felt her fingers back on his forehead he made the wings flap once, like controlling a hurricane. He felt her hand jerk back in surprise, then he squeezed his eyes shut and focused on that location glowing in his mind like a beacon. The wings flapped again and it was like he could see the creases in reality, hidden doorways all around him. He didn't have time to marvel; he flapped the wings one more time and took a step forward.

He touched down hard, but there was carpeting under his feet, not ground; he staggered backward and felt a wall at his back, albeit a flimsy enough one that he felt it start to give under his weight. He doubled over, trying to catch his breath, and opened his eyes to see Dean Winchester staring down at him. "Hey, Dean," he said, relief washing through him to the point he shook. "Man, am I glad that worked."

Jimmy didn't know what made him feel worse, the pain radiating from his chest or the horror on Dean's face. "Jimmy? That you?"

Jimmy nodded. "Been a while. Good to see you too, Dean."

"Where's Cas? Is he...?"

"Still in here," Jimmy said, tapping his hand against his chest.

Dean nodded, relief clear on his face. "What the hell happened? Why're you in charge?"

Jimmy shook his head. "I don't know. I think he...we, whatever, got ambushed and...." He groaned, moving his hand down to his side. "Look, Dean, no offense, but can we go over this when I'm not bleeding?"

"Right, right, sorry," Dean said, helping him over to one of the beds. He opened Jimmy's shirt and then stepped back, sucking in a quick breath. "Dude. That is just freaky."

Jimmy looked down and watched as the wound slowly closed, muscle and skin growing over the puncture, not even leaving a scar. It didn't change anything, he could still feel the pain radiating out from Castiel; being away from the other angels didn't seem to have lessened it at all. He pushed himself up from the bed, rubbing his chest again. "We're in a lot of trouble here, Dean."

"What the hell happened?"

Jimmy just let out a long sigh. "I don't know. I woke up and I was bleeding and he was in so much pain I had to take over just to call you." He tried to piece together the scattered impressions of what had happened. "Rahmiel. He said her name was Rahmiel." He remembered those oddly kind eyes staring into him. "She seemed surprised that I was awake. She actually said she was sorry. Anyway, she's not one of Raphael's."

"Just some new bullshit," Dean said, shaking his head.

Likes humans, Castiel whispered to him. Jimmy wanted to tell him to shut up and rest; it reminded him of how he could never keep Claire in bed when she was sick. Wouldn't join either side. That's why...don't.... Jimmy felt him convulse again and dug his fingers into the mattress to ride it out. "Look, I get you want to help, but you've gotta relax."

"Are you talking to Cas? You can hear him?"

Jimmy nodded. "It would be pretty hard to say yes to anything if I couldn't."

There was a quick flash of emotion in Dean's eyes that he quickly buried. "Can he hear me?"

"Yeah. Actually think that helps, a little."

"Cas! We're gonna figure this out, okay?" Dean said, loudly enough that Jimmy flinched.

"You don't have to shout, Dean. I'm not a bad phone line."

Dean winced, flushing with embarrassment. "Sorry. This is just weird."

"How do think I feel?" He felt a surge of irritation rise up and couldn't help grinning. "I think he wants us to stop talking like he's not here."

Dean grinned at that too. Jimmy saw Dean's hand twitch toward him, like he'd been about to touch him but stopped himself; instead he raked one hand through his hair and started pacing the room. "So what did he say?"

"Just that Rahmiel likes humans and she's not on either side."

Dean tapped his fingers against the dresser. "Maybe that's it." Jimmy looked up at him and Dean explained, "The liking humans thing. Maybe she figured out a way to take out the angel without having to screw the vessel, too. Like...I don't know. A poison, maybe. Or a spell."

He felt Castiel shiver. "He thinks you might be on to something."

"Yeah, fat lot of good that does us."

Jimmy never heard Dean finish that sentence; he doubled over as he felt that thrum at the back of his head. "Dean," he forced out. "Dean, we're about to have company." He concentrated on Castiel's sword and fortunately the angel seemed to understand what he was trying to do; he felt a tingle of warm energy on his palm and an eyeblink later that strange sword was in his hand. He felt a flutter of guilt at how much that had cost Castiel. "I won't ask something like that again, I promise." He grabbed Dean's arm and put the sword in his hand. "Here. You'll do better with this than I will."

Dean stared down at the sword, testing the balance. "I'll keep this safe, Cas, you know I will." Then there wasn't time for anything else; the room was full of angels. Dean grabbed Jimmy by his coat and shoved him against the wall as he stepped forward between him and the angels.

He felt dread drift up from Castiel as they watched Dean prepare to take them on alone and really, Jimmy wasn't too thrilled about this either. "What can we do?" he asked as Dean squared off against the first. "He can't win this."

Castiel sent a sigil to the front of Jimmy's mind, a complex one drawn in red blood. Before he could lose his nerve he grabbed a letter opener from the desk and slashed his palm. He held his breath as he drew on the wall, not sure he was even getting this right but there was no time for second chances. Press your hand against it. Jimmy nodded and followed the direction, shielding his eyes as the angels screamed and disappeared in flashes of light.

Dean turned around, letting out a long breath. "Thanks for the save."

"Don't mention it."

Dean rushed forward, tipping Jimmy's chin up. "Dude. Your eyes."

He maneuvered Jimmy in front of the mirror and he saw what Dean meant: his eyes were glowing, bright white light circling his irises. He closed his eyes; before he could think too hard about what he was doing he pictured himself grabbing Castiel by the collar and pulling him back. "Stop that," he spit out.

Dying. Making you both targets.

"And that's different from every other day how?" Jimmy squeezed his hands into fists as he poured all his energy into forcing Castiel to stay in. "And we don't know you're dying. We don't know anything." He opened his eyes just in time to see Dean wince at the word "dying." "And you're freaking Dean out. You don't want to do that, right?" Jimmy felt a wave of helplessness drift up from Castiel. "Say you won't do that again." Jimmy realized he was using his Dad Voice, and the absurdity of him scolding an angel was almost overwhelming.

It was working, though. Jimmy had a feeling that Castiel was hurt enough to be flying on instinct and was just relieved that someone was there to tell him what to do. I won't, he said, and Jimmy didn't think he'd ever heard anyone sound so contrite.

"I will fucking kick your ass if you try to bail again, Cas."

"I think he got the message." He took a deep breath. "What the hell do we do now, Dean?"

"We need to figure out what's going on and we need to keep you away from angels. Only one place I can think of for that." He threw on his coat and put his phone to his ear. "Sam, can you talk? Good, an emergency came up, Cas got jumped and we've gotta make a bee-line to Bobby's. Can you finish things up here on your own?" Jimmy saw him nod. "Good, let me know if anything comes up, otherwise we'll call you when we get there." Another pause, and Dean grinned. "Thanks. We could use all the luck we can get." He ended the call and turned back to Jimmy. "You ever been to South Dakota?"

***

Jimmy shifted around in the back seat, trying to find a position that was even in the same neighborhood as comfortable. He felt Castiel curl into an ever tighter ball of pain each time Dean hit a bump but there was nothing to be done about it; they'd all agreed that speed had to win over comfort. Lying down made things bearable, at least; every so often Dean called back to him to make sure he was still breathing, and if Dean had slipped up and called him "Cas" a couple of time Jimmy couldn't hold it against him.

He heard Dean say they'd just crossed into Montana and cracked his eyes open. "Dean. Dean, stop the car."

Dean swerved to the shoulder with a painful lurch and Jimmy winced; he dragged himself out of the car, leaning against the door to catch his breath as Dean came around from the other side. "What's wrong? You two okay?" Dean said, the words coming out clipped as he tried – badly – to conceal the fear behind them.

Jimmy shook his head. "It's not like that." He lifted his face to the night sky. "Hey," he said, not talking to Dean anymore. "Wake up. Take a look at this." He felt Castiel grumble; it reminded him so much of trying to get Claire out of bed on Sunday mornings that he chuckled. "C'mon. Take a look." Castiel slowly unfurled himself and Jimmy felt that presence move up behind his eyes. A moment later Jimmy felt warmth flood under his skin, warmth and joy, emotion suddenly a tangible, solid thing. Oh. That's... The angel's words fell away into overwhelmed silence and Jimmy grinned. "Told you."

The cloudless night sky spread above them, the entire expanse lit up with the most brilliant stars Jimmy had ever seen. He could feel Castiel drinking in the beauty, the pain retreating for a few precious seconds.

Even Dean seemed impressed. "Okay," he said. "Guess that's worth a quick stop." He opened the door and reached under the passenger seat, coming up with a six-pack of beer. "Want one?"

"What kind?"

"Warm and probably skunked."

"My favorite." Dean tossed him the can and while yes, the beer was pretty bad it had been so long since Jimmy'd had a beer he couldn't bring himself to care.

Dean settled himself on the hood and looked up the stars with him. "Been forever since I took the time to do this. Sam went though a big nerd phase about stars when he was a kid."

"We got Claire a telescope for her eighth birthday, one of those starter ones. Every clear night that summer I took her outside and taught her to use it, told her the stories behind the constellations, how sailors used to use the north star to guide them." He grinned. "She thought that was the best thing. Ames and I thought maybe she'd want to be an astronomer."

"That stick?"

"Not really. She did tell everyone at church the next day she was going to be a pirate, though."

"Kid after my own heart."

Dean drummed his fingers against the hood of the car; Jimmy noticed he wasn't quite looking at him and had a good idea why. Jimmy let him stew until it started to feel a little mean. "I know, Dean."

Dean startled, like he'd been caught at something. "Know what?"

Jimmy rolled his eyes. "I know," he said again, gesturing between them until Dean turned bright red.

Jimmy wondered how long ago it had been since Dean Winchester got this flustered. "I didn't...I never really thought about...." He let out a long breath. "You can go ahead and punch me if you want."

Jimmy couldn't help laughing, even though that was a little mean, too. "It's okay. I knew before anything...y'know, happened. He actually asked for permission."

The look Dean was giving him kept hovering somewhere between sympathy and horror. "Dude. That conversation had to suck."

"It was weird, definitely." Jimmy remembered that moment; it had been one of the very few times Castiel had spoken directly to him and the first time he'd gotten a glimpse of the actual creature behind all of that power. "The words 'taking liberty' were used."

Dean shook his head. "Cas sucks at people stuff, so I'll apologize for him."

Jimmy felt that little flutter of irritation float up. "Hush. Stop eavesdropping and look at the stars."

"Cas say something?"

"I told you, he doesn't like us talking about him."

"Shut up, Cas. Your people skills are rusty, remember?" he said, like it was a quote. "And trust me, they were never that awesome to begin with."

It was a relief to Jimmy that Castiel had enough energy to react to teasing. He looked up at the stars again and felt the beauty settle him.

"Why'd you say yes to that?" Dean said after a quiet few moments. "That's kind of above and beyond the call of duty, isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you did," - he still wasn't quite up to looking at Jimmy in the eyes, which Jimmy was still getting a kick out of – "but, I mean, you're married. And I'm a dude."

Jimmy decided to rescue Dean before he could find any more words to stumble over. "I couldn't justify agreeing to let him use my body for violence and fighting and then deny him something good. It seemed...I don't know." He remembered the desperation just under the surface of Castiel's words that day, the sense that the angel was at just as big a loss as him in that moment. "It seemed cruel."

"Bigger man than I am, I'll tell you that." Dean finished his beer and reached down for another one, taking a long swallow. "I didn't realize that every time I call Cas down from upstairs lately I'm screwing up your life. Unless this is still a 24/7 gig...."

"He calls when he needs me. There was almost a year where I didn't hear anything. Started to think I was off the hook." Jimmy shrugged. "Not like I didn't know what I was getting into this time, Dean."

Dean gave him a long, steady look. "Why the hell do you keep saying yes? I wouldn't. I mean, Cas is the best of those dicks up there and even I wouldn't blame you for telling him to go screw himself."

Jimmy kept his eyes trained on the stars. He remembered pointing out Ursa major and minor to Claire and listening to her make up a story on the spot about their war with Orion, one she added to all weekend. "Do you have children, Dean?"

Dean shrugged. "That's kind of complicated."

Jimmy gave him a look. "That's usually a yes or no question."

A wistful grin spread across Dean's face. "Hooked up with this chick a while back. When I caught back up with her she had this great kid and, y'know, the timing was right. Thought he might be mine. Still kind of wish he was. Me and his mom tried to make a go of it for a while but it didn't work out."

"It changes your entire life. Everything you thought you were, everything you used to think was so important, that just all turns into dust the first second the doctor puts that tiny thing in your arms." He took a final sip of beer. "I want my little girl to go to Heaven someday, Dean, but not the one that's up there now."

"How bad is it?" Dean nodded up toward the sky. "Up there. Cas just says there's a war and that he'll tell me things when he can and shit like that."

"I don't know, really. I get impressions sometimes and that's bad enough."

"Hey, at least you get, what, furloughs now, right? Time with the wife and kid, that's gotta be better than before, right?"

Jimmy felt a spike of ice in his chest that had nothing to do with the wounded angel hiding there. "Amelia can barely look at me. The last time I was home I was there almost two weeks and I don't think we said five words to each other."

"Dude. That sucks."

Jimmy had to look away. "Stop giving me that look, Dean. It's not your fault."

"Kind of is." Dean handed him another beer. "At least she's sticking it out, right? She could've taken off."

"She thinks that if she leaves she'll go to hell," Jimmy said, unable to keep the bitter twist out of his voice. "Claire overheard her talking to a friend of hers one night."

"That doesn't mean she really believes it. People say all kinds of shit."

"She told me that if Castiel calls again and I say yes, don't come back until I know I can stay." Jimmy shrugged, forcing that memory back down. The next call had come less than five minutes later. "I don't know. Sometimes I think we're almost back, and then other times she looks at me like she doesn't know who I am. Which I can't really blame her for, since sometimes she doesn't."

"How's the kid taking it? That's gotta be rough."

Jimmy smiled. "I think she knows when I'm going to get called. Maybe because we've both done this, I don't know. She gets it. She's different. Older. Maybe that's part of the problem with Ames, she sees the change in both of us. I don't know. "

"Still sucks."

"I'm really not arguing the point."

"Hey, if Cas lets you go when he runs upstairs why is he still always wearing the same thing?"

Jimmy examined his trenchcoat. "I don't know. I think he just likes it."

Dean laughed and Jimmy felt that echo through Castiel. "You're okay, Novak. I like you."

"Thank you, Dean." He took another sip and winced. "Honestly, where do you find beer this bad?"

"Pilfered from only the finest motels, I'll have you know."

"It worries me that you drink beer left in motel rooms."

"Yeah, I'm livin' the life."

Jimmy still took another sip, because really, any beer was better than no beer. "I admire you, Dean."

Dean actually choked on his beer. "Didn't get that impression last time."

"Yeah, well, you two had kidnapped me. That puts a guy in a bad mood." He gestured at the car and the road. "All of this, what you and your brother do, I couldn't do it. Hell, I have an angel possessing me and I'm still scared out of my mind."

"Yeah, well," Dean said, crushing his empty can and tossing it aside, "I wouldn't have had the guts to say yes like you did, so let's call it even."

Jimmy watched Dean go back to staring at the night sky, the peace of the fleeting moment making him look younger. He wondered if he should tell Dean that looking at him had almost as strong an effect on the angel as looking at the stars.

The attack came with no warning. He felt a shudder race up his spine, hot like someone drew a line there in fire, then pain exploded in a sudden, overwhelming surge. The beer can fell from his hand and his legs buckled as the pain radiated from his skin and echoed deep through him until he couldn't imagine there could be anything else left. He felt Dean grab him and hold him up like it was happening a thousand miles away. "She found us," he choked out, trying to focus enough to make out what Dean was saying; he could feel Castiel writhing and convulsing inside him and tried to imagine the horror of feeling this much pain and not even being able to scream. Stars...beautiful.... Jimmy heard him whisper, that powerful voice so broken and weak Jimmy could barely hear it. Thank you.

"Fight it," Jimmy gritted out, ignoring the flash of panic in Dean's eyes. "Ride it out, we can do this." He had the impression of someone clinging to a ledge by his fingernails. "We got through it last time, just do it again," he said, ignoring that this attack was a thousand times stronger than the initial one and the angel had been getting weaker by the second.

Another wave of pain slammed him back against the Impala and Jimmy felt that ledge collapse. "Dean, talk to him," Jimmy said, pouring all of his focus into staying upright.

"What? I don't...what's he saying? What's going on in there?"

Jimmy shook his head. "He's too far gone, he won't hear me. It has to be you."

Jimmy wondered how often Dean was forced to deal with problems he couldn't just shoot. "Cas, man, I'm right here, I...fuck, I don't know what I'm supposed to say."

"Give him an order."

"Cas, you miserable son of a bitch," he heard Dean say, his voice going hard and angry, and Jimmy felt a tremor run through him. Castiel hated it when Dean was angry at him. "You kick her ass right now, you understand me? Snap the fuck out of it. You fight her."

Jimmy could feel Castiel wanted to obey, that deep, millenia-old instinct to snap to a barked order trying to take over. He even thought that if Dean had used that tone right from the beginning it might have been enough.

He felt one last deep flutter as Castiel pushed back one more time, then there was nothing but a weak impression of fear as he slipped back beneath the wall of pain. It was like watching someone get swept out to sea.

Jimmy squeezed his hands into fists for a second, then he lunged forward and kissed Dean, his hands tight on either side of Dean's head. Jimmy had never kissed someone like that before, hard and brutal, teeth grinding against teeth and he could feel it hit Castiel like a defibrillator. Dean seemed to catch on to what was going on and pressed Jimmy back against the car, his arms braced on either side as he opened his mouth to the kiss, the heat of him like a fire. Jimmy found himself clinging to Dean and couldn't bring himself to care; the stray thought that he couldn't remember the last time someone had kissed him sank into his mind like a poison.

Dean finally pulled back, his hands shaking on Jimmy's arms now, but he didn't pull back far; Jimmy could still feel the heat of his breath on his lips, the warmth of Dean's body pressed against his. "C'mon, Cas, you gotta pull through this," Dean whispered, the raw plea in his voice reaching deep into Jimmy and twisting. "You gotta fight, Cas, please."

A shiver ran through him, forcing him to hold onto Dean just to stay on his feet. He didn't know where Castiel dug up the energy but Jimmy could feel the angel pulling itself up; it wasn't even defiance so much understanding that he couldn't die under Dean's hands, not with Dean begging him that way. Gradually – almost miraculously, really – the attack abated, leaving Castiel weak and wrung out but still there and alive, which after the last few minutes seemed like more than anyone could have hoped for. Jimmy nodded up at Dean, ignoring the way his stomach lurched when Dean pulled away to lean over the hood. "That was too fucking close."

Jimmy pretty much had to agree. He crouched against the car door and tried to catch his breath, glancing up at Dean and telling himself that was for the angel's benefit and that the only reason he was still hard from all that was that it had the first time another body had been pressed against him in he didn't want to think about how long.

Sometimes Jimmy really did wish he was a better liar.

"How'd you know that would work?" Dean said, mercifully breaking into his thoughts.

"Seriously?" Sometimes Jimmy wondered if Dean and Castiel ever actually talked to each other. He nodded back up at the stars. "You're his north star, Dean."

Dean looked away; Jimmy couldn't tell if Dean hadn't known that was true or if he just hadn't been prepared to hear it confirmed. Jimmy remembered back when he'd been courting Amelia and how the fear that she actually might love him had been almost as crippling as the fear that she wouldn't.

Finally after a few minutes Dean clapped him on the shoulder, back to not quite looking Jimmy in the eye. "C'mon. Let's get you two to Bobby's already."

Jimmy nodded, taking a deep breath of cool air to clear his head. He spent the next few miles reminding himself that at no point during any of that had Dean actually been kissing him.

Chapter Text

The second time they almost veered into incoming traffic Jimmy suggested that Dean pull over and get at least a few hours of sleep. Dean grumbled for five more miles, insisting that he was fine and drove all night all the time, no problem, still arguing even as he pulled into an exit and started cruising for a cheap motel.

They finally pulled into the parking lot of a dingy building Jimmy thought had last been painted around the Carter administration, yellowing paint peeling in sheets and the V and A burned out of the blinking VACANCY sign out by the road. Jimmy pressed one hand against his chest as he dragged himself out of the car; Castiel had been quiet for the past few hours but the steady, throbbing ache hadn't eased up at all. Jimmy told himself he didn't care what the motel looked like as long as it had a bed.

That lasted until they got into the lobby and Jimmy felt like he'd just been attacked by the ghost of the '70s. The carpet was a hideous gold and green paisley pattern and the walls were painted a color he guessed at one time had been burnt orange. Dime store chandeliers dangled overhead, swaying in the air conditioning, and if Dean hadn't already been up at the counter Jimmy would have suggested that maybe taking a nap in the car wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Jimmy joined Dean up front, where the desk clerk was squinting at the fake ID Dean had provided. Her hair was dyed almost the same precise shade of orange as the walls and suddenly Jimmy could hear his grandmother scolding him that it wasn't polite to stare. "You got another one?" she asked Dean, snapping her gum as she held the ID up to the light. "The name on the credit card is spelled different from the one here."

Dean looked around at what passed for décor and said, "Seriously?" The clerk just gave him a withering glare, drumming her nails on the counter, and Dean dug out another card. "There? Happy?"

"This isn't real," she said, handing them back to Dean with one eyebrow raised, and Jimmy knew it was wrong but he almost couldn't help laughing at the flummoxed look on Dean's face. Jimmy guessed it would figure this would happen now.

He took a quick glance at the counter, saw a handmade pencil mug and a picture of what he would guess was one of the clerk with a passel of grandchildren and felt years of sales conferences come rushing back. Always connect with the client. "Excuse me, are those your children? What great looking kids."

Her face lit up. "My grandkids," she said, tilting the picture up.

"I would never have guessed," Jimmy said, giving her a smile. He'd never really liked flirting with clients, but once upon a time he'd been good at it. "Is there something I can do to clear up this problem? We've been driving all night."

She gave the two of them an up-and-down look. Jimmy knew they didn't really look like they belonged together and frankly she was looking at Dean as if she'd started to wonder if he'd kidnapped Jimmy. It amused Jimmy for a second that no one had leapt to that conclusion when Dean actually had kidnapped him. "Can we talk for a second?" Jimmy said, nodding his head to indicate the need for some privacy. She nodded, shuffling over to the side of counter and Jimmy leaned in on his elbows. "It was the ID, wasn't it." She nodded and Jimmy let out an exaggerated sigh. "I told the agency it wouldn't be good enough."

A few hours earlier he'd found a fake FBI badge in his pocket with his picture in it; he hadn't dared ask Dean how that had happened but he flashed the thing now, knowing she was buying it when that impressed look flashed across her face. "The gentleman over there," he said, nodding towards Dean, "is part of witness protection and I have to escort him back to D.C. They only gave me those temporary IDs for him and if I call my captain this time of night he's going to have my head. Can you please help me out?" He desperately hoped they she hadn't seen the car they'd pulled up in or noticed that wasn't a marshal's badge because either of those would have blown his bluff right out of the water.

Fortunately, she patted his hand and Jimmy knew she'd go along. Maybe he still had the touch.

A few minutes later Jimmy had a room key in hand and he dragged Dean back toward the room before either of them could say anything to mess this up. "Dude. That was awesome. For a second there I thought we were going to have to make a run for it."

"I'm a salesman, Dean. I mean, I don't usually lie like that at work but I know how to schmooze people."

Something about that made Dean crack up. "It's just weird. I'm used to Cas not knowing how to tell a lie with an instruction manual."

Jimmy decided to take that as compliment. He opened the door and was actually staggered by the sheer ugliness of the room in front of him.

The floor was covered with a stained, yellowish carpet; the wallpaper was peeling in places, showing older, even uglier wallpaper beneath, like a Russian nesting doll of bad design, and there was a dingy, cracked mirror over a television that was bolted down to the cabinet holding it. "Dean, this place looks like someone's last known location."

"Yeah? Man, you should see some of the places we've slept in, this looks like a palace." He opened the minifridge and pulled out a beer, downing it in one swallow. "I'm gonna head out and get some chow. You want anything?"

Jimmy thought he could eat the bedspread with enough ketchup. "Whatever you're getting, grab me two of it."

"Sounds like a plan. Be right back."

Jimmy didn't even hear him; he didn't bother taking off his coat and barely got around to kicking off his shoes before stretching out on one of the beds.

He heard a voice whisper don't fall asleep but he was out cold before he could even think about questioning why.

***

Jimmy almost dropped the dish he'd been wiping down when he felt Amelia's arms wrap around him. "Did I ever tell you how sexy you are when you cook breakfast?"

Jimmy grinned, ignoring how there was something...wrong about this, something about how the words turned strange and fragile when the thought about them, like remembering lines from an old movie. He pushed that aside and turned around, wrapping his arms around her waist. "Why do you think I do it?" She nipped at his lower lip and they heard Claire groan at the table behind them. "We're traumatizing our daughter."

"Oh no, she has loving parents. How ever will she cope?"

She took some of the leftover blueberries and popped them into her mouth, grinning when Jimmy kissed her again. "So what are your plans today?"

Amelia sighed. "I'm doing battle with the PTA. If I kill one of them, you'll be my alibi, right?"

"Just don't do it in the house, Ames. We'll never explain that away." He wanted to tell her not to go, in fact he was desperate to tell her that, although he couldn't imagine why. She'd be home at five, the way she always was. "Do you have to leave?" he said anyway, holding on probably a little too tight.

She straightened his tie. "I'll bring home dinner," she said, an apology in her voice. "Make sure Claire gets to ballet," she said before kissing him on the cheek, shouldering her purse and walking out the door.

Jimmy sighed as he finished putting the dishes away, trying to ignore the feeling that he'd just lost something. "Hey, bub, you want to sneak some more pancakes now that your mom's gone?" There was no answer and Jimmy turned around, wiping his hands on a dishcloth. "Kiddo, you okay?"

"Daddy, don't you love us anymore?"

Jimmy dropped what he was doing and pulled up a chair, sitting right next to her. "Claire, of course I do. I love you and your mom more than anything."

"Then why do you keep going away?"

Jimmy sighed. "I have to sometimes, I'm sorry. I have to...." Jimmy trailed off, not sure what he was about to say. Work? Maybe, but he'd had that conversation with Claire long ago, when she was much smaller than this. It didn't feel right. "It's important."

"You could say no."

Something about those words crawled along the inside of his skull. "Say no to what, Claire?"

"All you have to do is say no. Then you could be home all the time. Why won't you?"

Jimmy heard a sound like a beat of wings and dug his nails into the arm of the chair. "Who are you?" The only response was silence. "Who are you?" Jimmy growled out, feeling his heart start to race. "Claire wouldn't ask me that, she knows why I don't say no. She understands."

"I'm sorry," Claire said, but not in her voice, one older and deeper. When she looked up Claire's eyes were brown instead of blue and Jimmy staggered back so quickly the chair tumbled over. "I thought you would listen to a familiar face."

"You don't use my daughter. You understand? She stays out of all of this."

"He would," she said, rising from the chair and approaching him. "If you ever became unsuitable he would use her without question. Without hesitation." Jimmy saw a line form down the center of Claire's forehead, almost like a seam; as he watched it grew wider until the skin began to peel away. Jimmy felt his stomach lurch as Rahmiel stepped out of his daughter's skin like a discarded suit and put one hand against his chest. "He would steal her life and use her up, the way he did yours. I'm trying to save you from that. Save all of you."

"So what about you? You're not wearing your own face either, are you?"

Her brows drew together. "Regrettably, no." This close he could see the madness burning in her eyes. "This was supposed to be something beautiful, you know. A union between our Father's two favorite creations, and what do we use it for?" Her lips curled down, twisting that beautiful face into a sneer. "Violence. Murder. Bloodshed." She kissed him and it took everything Jimmy had not to gag. "We taught you war, using your own bodies. That sin tainted all of us. It's the true reason our Father left us." She traced one manicured finger along his lips. "You'll understand. Once I've cleansed you you'll thank me, and with my brother gone this ruinous war will end."

"If you like humans so much why do you want Raphael to win? He wants to end the world."

"Oh, I have plans for him too." She kissed him again, a slow, lingering kiss as if she was relishing every second of it. "Once I burn the infection from you'll understand everything."

She was too strong for Jimmy to push away; he could hear the sound of someone screaming in pain, someone with his voice. "Stop it," he said, shoving her hard to try to make an opening. "Let us go."

Rahmiel put one hand over his mouth and he could feel the heat radiating from her. "Hush now, darling. Let me take care of you." Suddenly, blessedly, he saw irritation cross her face and she drew away. "We'll talk more later," she said, kissing his cheek just the way Amelia had before she left.

The next thing he knew was opening his eyes to see Dean shaking him awake. "Jimmy! Wake up!" he shouted, so loud Jimmy felt his ears ring.

"'m awake," he said, startled at how heavy his limbs felt.

He felt Dean cradle his head. "What happened? Focus."

"Shouldn't...fallen asleep," he murmured, his eyes too heavy to keep open. "Tried to warn me."

"Angels can fuck with you in your dreams, I should've warned you myself." Jimmy felt Dean's thumb along the line of his jaw. "You gotta stay awake, buddy."

"Trying." The full impact of what had happened was only just beginning to hit him. "She was talking to me. She made me think she was Claire."

He saw fury make Dean's eyes go dark. "Cas okay in there?"

Jimmy rubbed his chest and shook his head. "He hurts. She tried...." He couldn't talk for a second, the horror of watching Rahmiel walk out of his daughter's skin hitting him like a hammer. "Said she was burning out an infection."

"That must be why you're running a fever this bad. Can Cas hear me?"

Jimmy couldn't keep back the sad smile. "Dean, he always hears you."

He saw emotion flood through Dean's eyes, then Dean kissed him, a slow, careful kiss, so different from the one out by the car that Jimmy felt strange calling them the same word. Jimmy couldn't help kissing him back, letting Dean's lips and tongue soothe the nightmare just the way he was soothing the pain away from Castiel. When Dean finally pulled back Jimmy knew the disappointment he felt wasn't only coming from the angel. "That help him out?" Dean said. "Like last time?" Jimmy nodded and he felt Dean press one hand against his forehead. "Good. Now let's get your fever down before you cook."

He felt Dean haul him off the bed and start to ease him out of his clothes as he dragged him to the motel shower. "Should make you buy me a drink first."

It felt good to hear Dean laugh, even a laugh as scared as this one. "Shouldn't have already let me get to first base then."

***

One ice-cold shower later the fever wasn't quite broken but it wasn't dangerous anymore. Dean had told him that he'd watch him if he dozed off but Jimmy didn't want to ever sleep again, and anyway, Dean needed the sleep more than he did. He picked at the burger Dean had brought him, not trusting his stomach to keep anything down, giving Dean the rest. When Dean fell asleep mid-bite Jimmy cleared away the trash and lay down beside him, telling himself Cas would feel better next to Dean.

"Huh. Now I'm calling you Cas, too," he said to no one in particular. He felt a flush of warmth that told him the angel wasn't all that upset about that. When Dean shifted in his sleep and threw one arm across his waist Jimmy didn't move it away, telling himself that was for Castiel's benefit, too. Apparently he could lie to himself all night.

He lay there until dawn, listening to Dean breathe and wondering just how far in over his head he was going to get before all this was over.

Chapter Text

They were going to have sex.

Neither he or Dean had actually said that aloud yet, but at some point after crossing the Wyoming border the understanding had settled between them like a pushy hitchhiker, making an already crowded car stifling. Rahmiel hadn't tried another attack since the motel and just waiting for that would have been enough to set their frayed nerves on edge without Jimmy being absolutely sure that Castiel wouldn't survive another attempt. That was another thing they hadn't talked about but just the fact that Dean had stopped asking how Castiel was doing told Jimmy he'd sensed the same thing.

Frankly, the two attacks had weakened the angel enough that Jimmy wasn't sure he would make it to South Dakota, although Jimmy hadn't shared that with Dean. The truth was that if a simple kiss was enough to bring Castiel back from the brink of death, then something more would have an even more dramatic effect. Probably not enough to break Rahmiel's spell, but enough to hold him up long enough to get to Bobby Singer and his (to hear Dean talk about it) magical panic room. Since it was becoming more obvious by the mile that Dean Winchester would cut off a hand without blinking if he could see the angel safe and whole again, sex was an inevitability.

Jimmy suspected that the reason Dean hadn't brought it up was that he was worried Jimmy would refuse. He wondered what Dean would say if he knew it was taking all of Jimmy's self control to not climb into Dean's lap and start things early.

He'd been able to ignore it at first. Jimmy had figured out he'd liked boys almost as soon as he figured out he'd liked girls, although he'd done his best to ignore it for most of his life. He'd always describe his home life growing up as a loving one, but it had never been the kind of family where that sort of thing was talked about. Not hostile to the idea perhaps, not really, and Jimmy thought his parents might even have suspected once or twice while he was growing up, but they were happy to ignore if Jimmy would. He'd been brought up to wait until marriage anyway, and that had been a handy excuse for most of high school to not deal with things. Then he'd gone off to college, met Amelia his second day there and just assumed God had answered his prayers and he could just put that part of his life firmly in the past.

Of all the complications being a vessel for an angel brought to his life, Jimmy would never have expected this to be one of them. Whatever else God was, Jimmy was convinced the bastard had a wretched sense of humor.

It would be easy to blame the kiss by the road, but Jimmy knew that had just opened the floodgates. The reality was as simple as the fact that he was trapped in a car with one of the more attractive people on the planet, someone better looking than anyone who spent his life getting punched in the face by monsters had any right to be. Someone who had seen him naked Jimmy didn't know how many times. Someone who knew every inch of his body, someone who had touched him in ways only his wife had ever done before and probably in ways even she had never thought of, for all that there really wasn't that much he and Amelia hadn't tried. Jimmy genuinely didn't have a problem with Castiel using his body to sleep with Dean – when the angel was in charge Jimmy really didn't consider it his body anymore, anyway – but not being able to remember any of it had Jimmy ready to crawl out of his skin.

While he knew Castiel certainly enjoyed sex – Jimmy thought the angel would have Dean's hands on him every second of the day if he could – because of what he was Jimmy knew he couldn't crave it, not that deep in the blood desire that was all hormones and need. Jimmy envied him that, because somewhere in Montana that craving had hit him like a Dean Winchester-shaped truck.

It was to the point where he could barely look at Dean anymore. He felt like he was trapped in a sexual version of that insatiable hunger that hit him the first time he'd been released from service, like just being around Dean turned Jimmy back into a fourteen-year-old terrified of being called in front of the class because everyone would be able to tell what he'd been daydreaming about.

Even reminding himself that when they eventually did have sex he wasn't the one Dean would really be there with didn't do anything to quell the desire. Dean was in love with someone who happened to look like him, Jimmy knew that was the real limit to anything between them. He caught Dean staring at him sometimes, looking for the angel in his eyes, and even that wasn't enough to cool down Jimmy's blood.

Jimmy knew all too well what it was like to love someone who didn't want him back and he didn't think he was strong enough to go through that twice.

***

"Dean, I don't know where you find these places." Traveling with Dean was like taking a guided tour through the lowlights of the seventies. He poked at the plastic screen separating the bedroom from the grimy kitchenette and watched dust shake off.

"I've been in this place before. Here, check this out," Dean said, hitting the lights. The screen glowed with a weak green light that sent spooky shadows all over the room. "Glow in the dark. Cool, huh?"

"That's...one word for it, sure." Dean turned the lights back up, flashing Jimmy a boyish grin that sent his heart up into his throat. Dean said something about going out to check on the car, Jimmy wasn't even paying attention, and Jimmy took advantage of the few minutes of solitude to sink down on the bed and try to get his shattered nerves under control. The last time he'd shaken this hard at the thought of being alone with someone had been his wedding night, and the second he had that thought all he wanted to do was pull it back. For the last fifty miles he'd felt the reality of what they were going to do here in this room settle around his neck like a thousand pound weight.

Jimmy didn't pretend he'd led a perfect life. Everyone told white lies and committed those every day transgressions and he was no exception, but this was different. This was a sin, and he was committing it with his eyes wide open.

And he wasn't excused just because he had good reason. Castiel hadn't spoken to him in hours and he wasn't even reacting to Dean's voice anymore, a bad sign. This had to happen and it had to happen tonight or the whole trip would be in vain, that was inescapable. It didn't make it any less adultery, any less a sin. And Jimmy couldn't even pretend it would be something he'd endure because he wanted it, wanted Dean's hands on him more with every beat of his heart.

He was glad he didn't have his wedding band on because he knew he didn't deserve to wear it any more.

He wished he could pray. Prayer had been his refuge since he was a child but he knew no one was listening. Of all the things saying yes to Castiel had stolen from him, Jimmy mourned that loss the most.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Dean staring down at him, the setting sun through the window bringing out the green in his eyes. Amelia had green eyes, too. "You okay?"

"Yeah." Jimmy thought that had to be the least convincing lie he'd ever told. "I'm just...guess all of this is sinking in, you know?" He took off his coat and suit jacket, throwing them on a nearby chair as Dean sat on the bed next to him. Dean was doing a lot of looking at his hands and Jimmy wondered if he was nervous, too. Jimmy hoped so.

"We don't have to do this if you're not cool with it," Dean said, his voice low and rough. "We burn rubber hard enough we could get to Sioux Falls in a day in a half, easy."

He wanted to thank Dean for trying to give him the out, but they both knew a lot of things had to go right for that to happen. One blocked road, one thing going wrong with the car, that would all add hours they didn't have. And those were just the mundane dangers; they were both waiting for the next attack, one that would be the last attack if they didn't do something now. Jimmy kicked off his shoes and sat back further on the bed. "We don't have a day and a half," he said, watching the words sink into Dean. "Just...y'know, be gentle with me, okay?"

Dean gave Jimmy that smirking half-smile of his and Jimmy felt lightheaded. Before Jimmy could say another word Dean crawled over to him and kissed him, a deep, slow kiss. He knew Dean had a lot of experience and it showed. "You sure you're okay?" Dean asked, his thumb running along the edge of Jimmy's jaw just the way he had after the attack at the motel. "You're shaking."

Jimmy swallowed hard. "Kinda nervous," he admitted. "Only been with one other person, y'know?" And I don't know what I'm doing.

"Practically another fucking virgin," Dean said, trying to make a joke of it and not quite managing it. "You want me to call things off, you just say the word...."

Jimmy reached up, grabbed a handful of Dean's hair and pulled him down into another rough kiss, earning a surprised mrmff from Dean that got Jimmy so hard he ached. Jimmy had always been raised to see things through and he wasn't taking the easy way out.

And besides, if Dean didn't touch him right now Jimmy thought he was going to explode. He felt Dean relax as he returned the kiss and wondered for one fleeting second if Dean had been worried that Jimmy didn't want him. Which was, frankly, insane.

He lay back and let Dean unbutton his shirt, sliding his own hands up under Dean's shirt and tracing along Dean's hard-earned scars. Dean kissed down his chest on the way to undoing his belt; he hadn't expected Dean to take the time to explore like this, to tease and it was already all Jimmy could do just to breathe.

Dean kept taking his time getting Jimmy out of his clothes, smirking at his frustration. He could feel Castiel start to rouse from the contact, confused and woozy. What's happening?

Shut up and enjoy it, Jimmy sent back, groaning as Dean's hand wrapped around his cock. Jimmy pulled him back down into another kiss; Dean was naked now too and he'd almost forgotten how good it felt to have another warm body pressed against his. He felt Castiel stretch and spread out under his skin, drinking in every bit of sensation; Jimmy felt his senses turn into a synesthetic jumble where Dean tasted like gold and his voice was light. If this was what Castiel felt like every time Dean touched him Jimmy didn't wonder that he'd turned against Heaven.

He angled his hips over and got on top of Dean; he didn't know if he'd ever get another chance to be with Dean as himself and he wasn't going to waste the opportunity. Dean grinned as Jimmy scraped his teeth against the side of his neck, sucking hard enough he knew he'd leave a bruise. He wanted to leave a bruise; in a few days when this was all over and he was gone again he wanted Dean to be able to see that and remember who he'd been with. Dean let out another surprised moan when Jimmy did the same thing on the line of his collarbone, his hands going tight in Jimmy's hair. Dean's voice sank deep under his skin and Jimmy didn't think there's anything he wouldn't do to hear that sound again. He worked his way down Dean's body, tracing his way down all of those those scars, first with his fingers and then with his tongue. He didn't know if he could make Dean Winchester say his name but making him gasp like this was almost good enough.

Dean licked along the curve where his neck met his shoulder and Jimmy shivered, clinging hard to Dean. "You like that, huh?" Dean whispered into his ear, his voice glowing in Jimmy's muddled senses. He sounded surprised and Jimmy wondered if his body reacted differently when Castiel was in charge of it. Dean lay him back down, that wicked smirk back on his face as he recommitted himself to exploring every inch of Jimmy's body. The smirk got wider each time he found a sensitive spot, some new way to make Jimmy jump and moan and swear. He hadn't expected that; it made it seem much more like Dean was actually with him and Jimmy hadn't been prepared for that. When Dean had reduced him down to whimpering and writhing he pressed back against him, his skin like a raging fire. "You sure it's okay like this?" he whispered, his voice like the sun.

Jimmy nodded, too overwhelmed for anything else. This was his only chance and Jimmy wanted to feel Dean, didn't want to hold anything back. Dean kissed him again and all Jimmy could do was moan into his mouth and press against him to try to get some kind of relief.

Dean was good at this. Before Jimmy could really catch up he felt Dean's fingers inside him, already slick and spreading him open. Jimmy relaxed and let Dean completely take over; Dean's expert fingers worked him open slowly and carefully, alternating with his tongue until he had to hold Jimmy down to keep him from writhing. Just before Jimmy started begging he felt Dean pull back and arrange Jimmy's legs into a better position. Jimmy felt a flutter of nerves and heard Castiel whisper to him. Just wait. You'll see.

He felt Dean slide inside him inch by inch, taking so much time it was almost torturous. Jimmy's whole body jumped off the bed when Dean started to move, his head tossing back as his angel-enhanced nerves danced tingling ice and heat over his skin. He held tight on to Dean, Castiel writhing inside him, arching his back as Dean pushed them both close to the edge. He pulled Dean closer to him, needing him close enough to taste; he licked along the hollow of Dean's neck, sucking his lip as Dean made Jimmy moan his name.

The climax came like an explosion of fire, hitting so hard Jimmy didn't know how his soul stayed in his body. He didn't know when Dean came too, collapsing on top of him, he didn't know anything except the waves of sensation crashing over him seemingly without end. Awareness crawled back slowly; he realized Dean was pressed against him, one arm tight around his waist, skin damp and smelling like soap. "Hey," Jimmy said, nuzzling Dean's wet hair. "How long was I out?"

"A while," Dean said, his voice thick and drowsy and still glowing around him like a halo. "Starting to get worried. Everyone okay in there?"

Jimmy pressed a hand to his chest, feeling Castiel so content he was buzzing with it. "Better than in a long time."

"Good." He stretched, taking up most of the bed. "Should probably get back on the road."

"Probably." Within seconds Dean's breathing went soft and deep, his arm still tight about Jimmy's waist. Jimmy lay back and counted the cracks in the motel ceiling as his heart pounded. With Dean asleep next to him and Castiel curled up in his chest like a contented cat, all three of them safe for a handful of stolen minutes, Jimmy was afraid to move in case he broke this fragile spell they'd spun around them.

I am not a cat.

Jimmy chuckled. "Shush," he whispered. "Rest while you can."

It had been so long since Jimmy had been this close to happiness he realized he'd almost forgotten what that felt like.

***

They were two hours from Bobby's when Rahmiel found them.

He heard Dean swear and had just enough time to look up and see her standing in the road, the wind billowing out her long hair as Dean tried to swerve around her. There was a loud pop as the right front tire blew out and the car went careening off the road, flying into the air and landing on the passenger side with a deafening crash. The car rolled over four more times, metal creaking and glass shattering. Jimmy couldn't hold on and did his best to protect his face as the car tossed him around; he tasted blood and felt pain spiral out from his arm and ribs as he smashed against the door and the roof.

Finally the car stopped moving, coming to a rest upside down and Jimmy was shocked that he was still breathing. "Dean?" he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. There was no answer and Jimmy felt fear stab through him. He pulled himself up as best he could and looked into the front seat. "Dean, answer me."

But Dean wasn't there. The windshield was a spiderweb of cracks, a jagged hole on the driver's side. There was blood all over the dashboard and Jimmy fought down panic. What happened? What's wrong?

Jimmy didn't answer, pushing Castiel deep down as he dragged himself out. His legs collapsed under him and he leaned against the car, feeling his bones already knitting back together. The pain should have been overwhelming but Jimmy barely felt it, and that had nothing to do with the Castiel supercharging his healing.

Jimmy could see Dean lying by the side of the road, face down and very, very still. Jimmy wasn't close enough to see if was he was breathing and he hadn't healed enough to crawl over to him. All Jimmy could do was wait and see if Dean would get up, if he would move. Dean had to move.

He blinked his eyes and suddenly Rahmiel was there crouching over Dean, her hand on his head. "No," he croaked, panic giving him a big enough surge of energy to sit up. He hadn't thought she'd heard but her head picked up, staring into him with a gaze that staked him down to the ground. "Don't hurt him."

With a flutter of wings she was inches from him, kneeling so close he could feel her breath. Castiel reacted immediately, shuddering with pain and Jimmy sent him a quiet apology. "Don't hurt him," he repeated again, not caring that he was begging.

"There's very little else I could do to him," she said, an amused lilt to her voice. She tipped his chin up and Jimmy could see Dean's blood staining her hand. Castiel convulsed inside him at the contact and Jimmy doubled over, doing everything he could to push him down further. He saw her brows draw together. "It's hurting you," she said, genuine concern in her voice, and Jimmy felt the despair from Castiel at hearing his sister call him it.

Jimmy couldn't do anything for him. If he could only help one of them, Jimmy knew which one Castiel would choose. "Save Dean," he said, forcing himself to hold eye contact with her. "Please."

He'd never seen someone look so confused. "But why? You would be free. He stole you away from me. He and Castiel have conspired to keep you imprisoned while they take their pleasures."

"You like humans," he countered, trying to use her disturbed arguments against her. "You want to save them, all of them, right? Dean's human, you can't stand by like this."

She shook her head and Jimmy felt despair shake him. "No soul could spend so much time in the Pit and remain human. The Righteous Man," - she let out a scoffing laugh at that – "may have fooled the rest of my siblings but never me." Her lips twisted up, as if she'd just thought of something wonderful. "Perhaps he'll go back there. In fact, I could probably send him. That would be just, don't you think?"

Jimmy could think of anything more unjust than Dean suffering in Hell. In Hell forever, because he'd tried to help. "Please," he whispered again. "Heal him. Heal him and I'll go with you," he promised, throwing out the only bargaining chip he had. "No more running."

She tilted her had to the side, he eyes wide. "You would do that?" she said, running her fingers through his hair. "You truly forgive all he's done to you?" Jimmy nodded and felt her kiss his temple. "The mercy of humans is astonishing." She gestured and Jimmy felt tears burn his eyes when he saw Dean begin to stir. "But you needn't come with me. Just let Castiel out and in a few moments I'll never trouble you again. I'll even return you home, to your wife and the beautiful child waiting for you."

It shamed Jimmy how tempting that was. "I can't."

She nodded, as if she'd expected that. "My brother also came back from Hell so much less than he'd been. I'm not surprised he's influenced your mind to this extent." She kissed his forehead again, like a mother comforting a frightened child. "Don't fear. I'll convince you."

Jimmy didn't know what that meant but it was too late. He saw Dean look up; their eyes locked for one second, Dean's expression going dark with rage. Rahmiel pressed her fingers to his temple and when he heard that soft wingbeat all Jimmy could do was close his eyes and pray to a God he knew didn't care.

Chapter Text

Rahmiel's "convincing" involved a blade instead of words. Jimmy didn't know where she'd taken him; the room was windowless, the walls stone and the floor packed dirt, a damp chill hanging in the air that made Jimmy think they might be underground. He shivered as he watched her test the edge of her sword, a match for the one he'd given to Dean for safe keeping. Rahmiel hadn't said a single word to him since bringing him there; he watched her hum softly to herself as she painted incomprehensible sigils over the walls and tried to brace himself for what was coming. He focused on forcing Castiel down deep, trying to put him to sleep the way Castiel did to him. The angel knew something was very wrong but Jimmy wouldn't talk to him, concentrating instead on rebuilding the wall between them so at least the angel wasn't in agony just from his sister's presence.

Dean was coming. If Jimmy had faith in anything anymore it was that Dean Winchester would shake the planet apart looking for them, Dean and his brother and probably Bobby Singer too. He just had to hold out long enough to let that happen.

Rahmiel finished drawing sigils on the walls and knelt beside him, still humming under her breath, a tune Jimmy realized with a sick lurch was "Amazing Grace." That had been his favorite hymn when he was a child, the only one he'd ever had the nerve to sing in front of the congregation. He wondered if he'd ever be able to listen to it again.

"Won't you relent?" she asked, sounding so forlorn Jimmy almost found himself feeling sorry for her. He flinched when she trailed her fingers through his hair."I have no wish to harm you."

It was hard to believe that when she pressed the tip of her sword under his chin. He closed his eyes, trying to shrink back against the wall. "Just let me go."

She tsked him. "I will not release you back to hopeless servitude." He felt the cold edge of the blade trail down his throat, then she flicked the blade in a single, quick cut along his collarbone. Jimmy whimpered in surprise, his hands balling into fists. "I'll break his hold on you, dear one," she whispered, stroking his cheek. "Then you'll truly be free."

He could do this. Dean had lasted decades in Hell, Jimmy knew that although he didn't know why he did, and compared to that this was nothing. Rahmiel believed she could break him into giving her Castiel but Jimmy wouldn't let that happen. He might not be cut out to be a world-saving hero like the Winchesters but he could do that much.

It took her less than two hours to make him cry.

Jimmy took bitter solace that even if he was breaking the wall he'd built held. He could feel Castiel testing it, pacing back and forth like a caged tiger. Not so fun, is it?, he thought to the angel, the words taking on a vicious twist as Rahmiel's knife scored down his ribs. He knew he should be proud that he'd managed to build a wall strong enough to hold back an angel, even one as weakened as Castiel, but everything just hurt so much.

Let me out.

"Fuck off," Jimmy whispered back. At any other time he would have enjoyed how offended the angel was by that.

The world got very narrow. Dean was coming, Jimmy repeated that to himself like a litany. He had to protect Castiel, whether or not the angel appreciated it. He needed to hear his little girl's voice again, hear her slip up and still call him "Daddy" even though she'd decided she was too old for that. He needed to make things right with Amelia, find the right words that would make her whisper his name in the dark again.

Dean, Castiel, Amelia, Claire. Nothing in the world had meaning except those four names. With each stroke of Rahmiel's knife another bit of the world slipped away, another piece of himself shaved off until sometimes when Rahmiel called him "Jimmy" he didn't recognize the name. His name wasn't important. He whispered Dean, Castiel, Amelia, Claire under his breath like the words could shield him.

Four words. He knew didn't have what it took to save the world, but he maybe could live for those four words.

***

He resented how little help Castiel was during this. The angel was either quiet or attacking the wall like a storm, a hammering of let me out let me out let me out. Rahmiel whispered the same thing, her voice soft and terrible in his ear and in the weakest moments Jimmy didn't know why he fought so hard. It would be so easy, one stray thought and he could go back to sleep far away from pain and knives and this. Every time he had that thought he felt Castiel rouse, desperation soaking through as he demanded Yes. Do that.

Jimmy knew Castiel wouldn't win that fight. He could spoil for it all he wanted, but he was still weak and all the bluster in the world couldn't change that (this stubborn streak reminded Jimmy so much of Dean he ached.) All that would be accomplished by letting Castiel out would be the angel dying screaming and alone. Jimmy wondered if he would be awake to hear it or if he would just come to and feel how the angel had been ripped out of him, like the last time, only now he would have the rest of his life to know he'd let it happen. He remembered Dean finding him in that warehouse, the way his eyes had changed when Jimmy had told him Castiel was gone. He imagined that happening again, Dean kicking down the metal door that had been taunting him for he didn't know how long now only to find he was too late. Jimmy knew Dean wouldn't blame him, he had too much experience with torture for that, but he would look right through Jimmy just like he had then. Jimmy remembered the way Dean had looked at him in that hotel room, the glint in his eye as he tried to make Jimmy moan and realized he feared never seeing that again more than he feared never leaving this room. He felt a little flutter of sympathy drift up from Castiel and wondered if he'd stumbled on what had pulled an angel of the Lord away from Heaven.

Rahmiel's blade cut deep and Jimmy felt himself start to choke. He curled up on the floor and felt her fingers trail through his hair as she murmured apologies. She never lost her temper with him, no matter how much defiance he showed. He caught himself not wanting to disappoint her and tried to push that thought away; if he fell into that kind of thinking it was over. She could make it sound so reasonable, all she asked was that he let her speak to her brother. It was unfair what Castiel asked of him, she whispered to him, her voice a seductive purr. Let him go.

She whispered the word home to him like a beacon. He retreated back into those warm memories; he hadn't appreciated what he'd built then, still naïve enough to look for a bigger purpose, some plan he was part of. He wondered if the angel had caused that restlessness or if that had just made him more susceptible, but he cursed himself for it now because he'd had his purpose and then threw it away. He should let Castiel burn for that, for not explaining just what he'd be losing.

I never lied to you. The words hovered between outrage and guilt but Jimmy didn't have to energy to snap back That's not the point. Castiel hadn't made him understand.

If you hate me so much, let me out.

Jimmy rolled his eyes at the blatant manipulation. Letting Rahmiel murder him wouldn't undo anything and it would only tack one more sin onto Jimmy's soul. And if he dreaded Dean going back to looking through him as if he didn't exist, the idea of going home with the angel ripped out of him like an open wound terrified him because Claire would know. She would take one look at him and see his cowardice, she would know he'd let Castiel die helpless and in agony because he hadn't been strong enough to keep it from happening the same way she knew when he was being called. He wondered if she would feel it happen.

Claire had let Castiel possess her to save him once, had said yes to that question without batting an eye. He held onto the memory of his brave little girl and refused to disappoint her.

***

The woman loved him. Jimmy knew this because she told him as she stroked his hair, as she pressed her lips against his temple, whispered it in his ear as she pressed the tip of the blade into his ribs.

There had been one other woman who'd loved him. He remembered blonde hair falling across his shoulder, her body pressed to his in the fresh-cut grass. Taking a class he was completely unqualified for and wrecking his GPA for an excuse to talk to her, to know her name, Amelia, Amelia, he used to lie in his dorm in the middle of the night and whisper that name just to feel his lips shape it.

He whimpered the name now, hoping for that warmth again but the sound came out broken and jagged and Jimmy felt his shoulders shake.

There had been a ring. He'd worked three jobs and starved for a month for that ring, but oh, her eyes when she saw it. He would lie down in front of a train for her to look at him like that. Her eyes always shuttered when she looked at him now, sliding past him or through him and it stabbed, it stabbed because he knew how her eyes could look.

There had been sunlight, waking up first on Sunday mornings and watching the sun glint off her hair. Running his hand over the swell of her stomach, knowing their child was growing inside her and hoping their baby looked just like her, had her sense, her strength. The wicked grin on her face as she straddled him, the curve of her breasts in his hands, the heat as he slid inside.

She wouldn't touch him now. They still kept the same bed but she stayed curled tight to her side, her shoulders tense as she waited for him to fall asleep. When he reached for her she'd pretend to be sleeping herself, or simply refused to notice. Once she had even flinched.

And wasn't she right to? Hadn't he vowed to forsake all others? Yet he'd strayed. He'd given his body, first to Castiel and then to Dean, given it so many times. It shouldn't have mattered that it was an angel asking him, he'd made his marriage vows first. He'd sinned and sinned and sinned."I want to go home," he whispered. "I want to go home."

The angel's knife scored down his back and he curled in on himself, his arms crossed over his bloodied chest. "I want to go home," he sobbed again, over and over. He was going to die without her forgiveness.

He felt Castiel stir inside him, heard that voice like bells ringing. I didn't know, it whispered but the words don't touch him.

***
There was too much noise. Jimmy tried to curl up but his legs wouldn't move; that wasn't so unusual anymore and he didn't pay it much attention. He would heal soon enough. He always did.

The banging kept up and Rahmiel kissed his forehead. "I have to take care of this," she murmured and he nodded, too exhausted to speak. Castiel was moving, something he realized he hadn't felt in a while. The light inside him churned, trying to rouse him; he tasted something like hope and didn't understand why.

He opened his eyes just in time to see Dean Winchester kick open the heavy door, the way he'd imagined so many times. He was back-lit from the light behind him, a furious silhouette with a shotgun balanced on his shoulder. Jimmy didn't think he'd ever seen a more beautiful sight in his life.

You see why he's called the Righteous Man, Castiel whispered to him, awed himself. Dean stepped into the room, haggard circles under his eyes as he leveled the shotgun at Rahmiel's head. "Get the fuck away from my friend."
She smiled at him as if he'd said nothing more threatening than hello. "I genuinely admire your tenacity. I'd thought I'd chosen my sanctuary well."

"Oh, believe me, lady, I had to break a lot of arms to find you."

The smile turned hard. "How fortunate for my brother to have such loyal friends." She looked back at Jimmy. "Don't watch. I don't want to grieve you." She gestured and Dean flew across the room, the shotgun clattering to the ground. Dean landed hard, not moving; Jimmy pushed himself from the wall and tried to crawl over to the gun, not sure if he'd even be able to shoot it.

She leaned over Dean, tipping his chin up with one hand. "I should have left you a vegetable by the side of the road. The world would be a safer place."

Jimmy looked up in just enough time to see the flash of silver in Dean's hand. He'd forgotten Dean had promised to keep Castiel's sword safe. Dean swung the sword up in a high arc and caught Rahmiel through the chest before she could say another word. "Yeah," he growled, twisting the blade once. "Probably would have been a better plan."

Rahmiel staggered back two steps, one hand pressed to her chest as blinding light bled from the wound and built around her. She looked back at Jimmy, her eyes an apology, and then she screamed, a high, shrill piercing sound. Jimmy wondered if he was watching his future.

Then the wave of energy hit him and he didn't know anything else.

***

Jimmy opened his eyes to find himself propped up against the wall, Dean kneeling over him. Dean's clothes were smoky and his hands smelled like oil, blood under his nails; Jimmy heard Castiel whisper Oh, Dean. What did you do? His hands shook as he tried to bring Jimmy all the way back around. "Hey," he whispered. "Jimmy, man, that you?" Jimmy nodded and Dean let out a shaky breath. "Everyone present and accounted for?"

Jimmy nodded again, his hand pressed to his chest. "Better than in a while."

Dean kissed his forehead. "Thank fucking God," he whispered. "You never say you don't have the guts for this again, you hear me?"

Jimmy tried to see just how bad off he was and felt Dean hold him still. "Hey, you just relax, okay? It's already all healing up, you're gonna be fine. Just keep looking at me, okay?"

Jimmy had no problem with that. "I think I love you," he murmured, feeling himself starting to drift off again.

Dean just grinned. "Yeah, I'm awesome, I know."

He heard someone call for Dean and looked up to see Sam Winchester's head poke through the doorway. "Dean? Everything good?"

"Yeah, Sammy, I got him. We're good."

Sam gave Jimmy an awkward, Hey, good to see you're alive look and said, "Cool. Me and Bobby are going to finish sweeping the place."

"We'll catch up."

Sam nodded, stomping back up the hall as Jimmy squinted after him. "Was he carrying a bazooka?"

Dean grinned again. "Bobby's got some weird friends, man. We would've brought a tank if we thought we could swing it." Dean kept stroking his thumb along Jimmy's hairline and he tried to focus on that touch to block out the pain. "You think you're good to get out of here?" Jimmy's legs buckled when he tried to stand and Dean wrapped one arm around him to hold him up. "Okay, we'll take this slow."

Jimmy saw Rahmiel's body sprawled across the floor and pulled Dean to a stop. "We can't just leave her here."

There was a flash of worry in Dean's eyes. "Dude, it's okay. She'd dead. She can't come after you any more."

"No." He pulled away from Dean, his legs giving way under him. "Her vessel. We can't leave her here."

"Dude, I don't...."

Talking hurt so much. "Her family won't ever know what happened. They'll be waiting for her to come home and they won't ever know." He couldn't let Dean take him out of here without making him understand. "Dean, we don't even know her name. Rahmiel told she had a purpose, that...." The flood of memories was too much. "That Heaven needed her. She's like me. Dean, please."

Dean picked him up. "Hey. Hey, calm down. I'll take care of it, I promise."

That was a relief. Jimmy was just so tired and didn't know how much longer he could have kept talking. "Can I pass out now?"

"Dude. I can't believe you didn't already."

Jimmy nodded and closed his eyes. He didn't even care if he never opened them again.

***

Jimmy came to in the Impala's passenger seat, Dean behind the wheel and the two of them tearing down the interstate. He just watched Dean drive for a few minutes, not caring how he'd wound up back in Dean's car. "No chance that was all a dream, huh?" he said when Dean finally caught his eye.

"Sorry. Sam and Bobby are taking the place apart and I figured you'd want to be out of there."

"I figured this car was done for."

"My baby's come back from worse. Fixing her up kept me from going completely crazy while we were looking."

"Where was I? Am I?"

"Oklahoma, of all fucking places. Looks like she'd angel-ed up some old bomb shelter." He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. "We managed to ID Rahmiel. Her vessel, I mean. Wasn't exactly hard, chick had license on her. Wish Cas would get in the habit of doing that." He looked over at Jimmy. "If anything ever goes wrong with Cas and...you know. If things go wrong, I'll make sure your family knows. I'll tell them myself, okay? You have my word."

Jimmy leaned his head against the seat. "Thank you, Dean."

Will you let me out now? I feel much better.

Jimmy chuckled. "Castiel wants to know if he can come out and play."

"Hey, making fun of Cas is my job." He pulled the car over to the shoulder. "You cool with this?"

"Dean, believe me, right now I'm looking forward to sleeping for a few months." He could see the eager glint in Dean's eyes at seeing Castiel again and fought down the sharp stab of pain. Jimmy was so preoccupied with his own thoughts he was completely unprepared for Dean to lean over and kiss him there by the side of the road. Jimmy felt something crumble inside him as he returned the kiss, willing the moment to last. "You're making this kind of hard, Dean," he whispered, hating how his voice shook.

"Next time Cas puts you on furlough you give me a call, okay? If I'm in the same time zone I'll show."

"Do you really mean that?"

"Hey, do I make empty promises?"

Jimmy kissed him again, goodbye this time. "Try to keep each other out of trouble, okay?"

Dean grinned at that and Jimmy took a long second to memorize those green eyes before closing his own.

Chapter Text

"You and Sam made the news."

"Jimmy? That you?" Jimmy hoped he wasn't imagining that Dean sounded happy to hear him.

Instead of answering Jimmy turned up the volume. "Satanism and arson. You guys had a twofer."

Dean groaned into the phone. "I knew we didn't clean that place up well enough. That hunt couldn't have gone any worse."

"You're only saying that because you can't see the composite sketches."

Dean groaned again. "Everything okay?" he said, changing the subject.

"As much as it ever is. Something's going on up in Heaven and he had to head back. And he wasn't happy about it. I don't know how long he'll be." He couldn't fight down his nerves anymore. "You said I should call."

"Damn right. Where'd he leave you?"

Jimmy picked up a menu from the room end table. He'd woken up in a strange room holding a motel key and no idea beyond that. "Bright Side motel in Reno. You'd love this room, Dean, it's filthy."

"Hey, that's not even four hours away," he said, and Jimmy could hear him choosing his words. "It cool if I drop by?"

Jimmy's grip went tight on the phone. "If you don't have a hunt," he said. As if his heart hadn't gone into his throat when Dean asked that question.

"Got some stuff Sam's researching, but nothing I need to be around for."

"Well, I certainly don't have any plans." If he kept the tone casual Jimmy thought he could ignore how hard his heart was pounding.

"Cool. I should be there by noon or so. We could...Jesus, I need to know more people who aren't hunters. What do normal people do? Movies? People go to movies, right?"

Jimmy told himself very firmly that Dean Winchester was not falling all over himself asking Jimmy out to a movie. He didn't actually think that was what was happening and anyway, he didn't need any help feeling like a teenager around Dean. "Get here first and we'll figure something out."

Dean laughed and ended the call. Jimmy sat on the end of the bed, staring at the number blinking on his phone. The urge to call home was overwhelming but pointless; if Castiel thought he'd be at work in Heaven for long he would have dropped Jimmy on his front porch, not in some rat trap in Reno. After the argument last time he wasn't sure if he'd even be welcome. Amends would have to wait until he was free to make them.

It was strange to think that the angel might be matchmaking him with Dean and Jimmy couldn't shake the feeling of being some kind of consolation prize. Like Castiel was setting Dean up with a replacement if the fighting didn't go his way. The thought was both presumptuous and incredibly sad.

Truthfully, he had no idea what was going to happen when Dean walked through through that door, if things would be different between them without Castiel there too. He didn't know if he even wanted anything to happen.

All he knew was that Dean was the first good thing that had happened to him since saying yes and he didn't have the willpower to turn his back on that. He thought it wasn't too much to ask for a port in the storm. And if this sin was the one that sent him to hell, he'd deal with it when he got there.

Jimmy took off his coat; his hands shook when he tried to loosen his tie so he just left it where it was as he settled down to wait.

And if Castiel decided to come calling before Dean got there, Jimmy was just going to tell him to wait his turn.