Archive of Our Own ^beta

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"Are you nervous?" Logan asked his wife. They had just finished getting dressed and making up the bed on an early Monday morning. They both knew what today was, no sense in ignoring it. Last night they were both stiff as a board. Other than that, it was like every other night since they came back from their honeymoon two months ago. A quick kiss goodnight, eyewear removed, lights immediately dimmed, and Tess' back swiftly turned away from Logan.

"Am I nervous?" Tess asked. "That depends. How did you sleep?" Sleep, or lack of, was a clear indicator if Logan was in a state of stress. "I didn't really." "Then I guess we both feel the same way about today" Tess countered. "I'm still not too sure about this. Are you sure you want to choose Ava out of all people? Not choose someone fresh? Unbiased?" "Ava is our friend." Logan protested. " She is a professional. She will be unbiased, and I think she will provide a level of comfort to us both. She knows us, but she doesn't really know "us". I see it as a "win-win". We help a friend and she helps us. Plus she's offered us a variety of sessions. We don't even have to talk to her for the whole hour. We need this. I really think it will help" "Okay. if you really want to do this, then I will try my best to follow her guidance. We should go. Don't want to be late."

Logan guided Tess to the car. He kept a gentle hand on Tess' lower back and guided her to the car. He opened the car door to allow Tess inside, then double checked that all the doors were locked and the lights were turned off through an app on his phone. Once he was sure the house was secure, he entered the address into the GPS. It was a short drive, not enough time for his to get too lost in his thoughts. It was just enough time for them both to sit there in silence without it having a deeper meaning. Tess on the other hand was thinking about all that they were leaving behind as they pulled out of the driveway.

Simple touches will no longer be simple touches after they speak to a sex therapist. Everything they do together will have some intention behind it. Tess could't stop thinking about her unasked questions. The one that kept her up at nigh. She felt like she was the only thing in this relationship that needed fixing. What if she never wanted to have sex with Logan.? What if she was fine with how things are? Sex shouldn't be an issue if she was fine with his career, right? She was fine with him having sex with random women, random men. Not exactly thrilled, but fine. She accepted this into their lives. Into their marriage. She understood that he was a professional actor, just the primarily naked kind. What she didn't understand was why Logan insisted that they themselves have a sexual relationship as well. She couldn't bear not living up to some unachievable standard Logan had surly created over the years. She didn't even want to try. "If I had to choose between having sex with Logan, and the way he held me when I felt so alone at night, it would't be a tough choice. At least not for me" Tess thought. She didn't realize that she could have both.

"We're here" Logan said, knocking Tess out of her intense thoughts.

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"Mending Hearts" marriage counseling facility was owned and run by Ava, and old friend of Logan’s. Logan thought it would be a good idea to seek advice from a professional, but also someone Tess would be comfortable talking to. When they walked into the building, Logan lead Tess to one of the empty seats, while he checked them in for their session. He filled out some pre session paperwork at the registry desk, but made sure to glance over at Tess every once in a while to make sure she was still doing okay. He knew she was nervous, but he truly believed these sessions would do them some good. Logan was good at that.

The office was very ordinary. Beige walls, beige chairs, and a tan carpet that looked like it saw the soles of a hundred dirty shoes. The waiting area smelled sterile. Not clean, but not much of anything. Tess tried to focus on something, but it felt like every thought in her mind was bouncing off of the walls. Then she locked eyes with Logan. He was filling out paperwork. Probably noting their address, insurance, and signing the confidentiality policy. Tess never said it out loud, but she loved the way Logan took charge of things like that. He did it so effortlessly, and never made Tess feel small, for letting him do all the paperwork. They glided into their roles so seamlessly.

After Logan handed back the clipboard and sat down next to Tess, it took about five minutes for their names to be called by a familiar voice. They both got up in unison, quickly looked at each other. Tess stared for a few seconds too long. Eventually Logan grabbed her hand, gave it a gentle squeeze and guided her to the back. “That was the last time I will be able to look at Logan and not see all of our problems written on his face” Tess thought. The panic didn’t hit Tess until they crossed the barrier into another tiny room with a beige loveseat and a small brown leather chair. She knew why they were all gathered in this room. Ava, Logan, and Tess were going to talk about sex. Sex Logan and Tess should be having together, and the sex Logan has with other people. Tess thought she was leaving a good marriage just outside the office door. Everything they had to show for their love was at home. In this dull room was an estranged friend of Logan’s and years worth of baggage. They both had to face their fears and be completely honest. They both hoped that love would overshadow any contention this session would reveal.

“I feel like I should say that here at Mending Hearts we take patient confidentiality very seriously. I don’t want either of you to confuse my personal relationship with you both, with my new found professional relationship. I want you both to speak as if we are on blank terms. I will comment on the relationship that you describe to me in this room, not the one I know outside of these walls. Is that clear to you both?” “Yes” both Tess and Logan reply in sync. “ I told you Ava would be professional” Logan whispered to Tess. “If it makes it easier, you may refer to me as Dr. Sharpton while we are in session. I plan to speak with you both over the next ten weeks to go over any problem areas and set goals for the relationship that you both will work to achieve.These sessions can be one on one, but I recommend a “couples” format to start. For this first session I want to learn more about the foundation of your relationship. Either of you can star when you are ready.

Tess gave Logan a quick look over and sensed that he wanted her to start. “My name is Tess. I have been married to Logan for a little over 2 months. We met through my work. I own a restaurant called Marley’s, its named after my mother. It’s a fast casual restaurant, we serve a little bit of everything, but we are most known for our catering. Our catering menu is very different from the restaurant. We typically book large scale banquets and serve elevated country French cuisine. I love to be able to do both, the casual and up scale fine dining. Logan hired me to cater one of his events, but at the time I didn’t know he was behind it. I worked exclusively through his assistant. We worked together for about a month, planning the menu, organizing the equipment and coordinating with the venue. I thought it strange that I only worked with Logan’s assistant. Usually I touch base with the organizer just to make sure nothing was lost in translation, but I didn’t meet Logan until the day of the event. I am always on scene all day, no matter how small of an event to make sure everything goes smoothly. This one was a huge opportunity as Marley’s usually doesn’t cater events this size. Plus it was at the Pavilion, a very prominent art center downtown. I was setting up the buffet tables in the west wing of the art exhibit, and Logan came in.” Tess quickly looked at her husband. Her voiced started to crack and she started to show signs of distress. Logan held her right hand in his, stroking the back with his thumb. Logan nodded his head, as confirmation that Tess should continue. “Logan came in, and I felt like I was looking at a mirage, a walking piece of art” Tess continued. “So you were attracted to him. Was it love at first sight?” “ I think I was more in shock if anything” “Why do you think that is? Asked the good doctor. “When I saw Logan for the first time. I knew he was beautiful. I had worked on his event for a month and this was the first time we locked eyes. I tried to stay professional, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t help but look. He had the nicest smile, and his eye shimmered, but he was completely naked when he approached me.”

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“Did you know you were catering for an event such as this? Where people were presented in such a natural state?” The doctor took basic notes on Logan and Tess’ dynamic and views. It wasn’t until Tess mentioned Logan’s bare state that the doctor focused on Tess’ body language. Tess struck in. She made herself small. Either consciously or subconsciously; she moved away from Logan. She moved her hand from his grasp, even though they visibly shook. Her body wanted the comfort, but her mind didn’t allow it. At least not from Logan. She reacted as someone who was embarrassed. Who carried shame. Why?

“You are a beautiful woman. Surly you aren’t a stranger to the male form. Other than professional interests, why did Logan’s appearance shock you? Tess refused to make eye contact with anyone in the room. She grabbed an available glass and poured a cup of complimentary water from the pitcher on the end table. She was buying herself time before she answered. She didn’t want to appear as a prudish virgin, but that’s exactly what she was.

“I guess I was thinking of my business. There aren’t protocols on how to properly cater a nudist event, or at very least I haven’t read them. I was thinking that the soup was too hot for eating in the buff. Maybe I should put toothpicks in all of the appetizers so they are easier to eat. I wasn’t prepared for it. I was shocked to see Logan in this state, then I realized the guest list was over 300 people. I would be surrounded by the like in less than an hour. My team was slowly trickling in from setting up in other areas. Would I be sued for some kind of misconduct if I didn’t warn them? Would they still want to work the functioned if I did? Tess took a breath after releasing all of the panicked thoughts that clouded her mind.

“Your business is very important to you. I understand you want to keep your reputation as a sound restaurateur and a thoughtful employer. Unfortunately this isn’t a business consult. We are here to talk about your marriage. Forget the moral constraints. I want to know how seeing Logan, fully on display, made you feel.”

Logan remained quiet throughout the conversation. In his mind, it felt like he was supervising his wife’s consult. He was watching her reactions. Trying to understand what made her tick. He knew Tess was becoming defensive and elusive. His sole reason of coming to therapy was to learn how to combat this reaction. To guide her into becoming more open and outspoken with her needs and wants. Maybe it would help if he was a little more forthcoming.

Logan was no stranger to public eye. He was a renown pornographic actor and filmmaker. You would only know if you went looking for that kind of art, but most people did at some point. Logan spent most of his time filming, but he eventually founded a nudist community centered around art as a passion project. He got a permit to rent out the Pavilion art center and host a nudist event. Marley’s was recommended as the caterer due to their success with catering for other local events. As a preview, Logan decided to dine at the restaurant on his own, and see if the reviews stood true. That’s when he saw Tess. She stood in an open kitchen, and maintained a smile through want seemed like a busy lunch rush. She was graceful and kind. She treated her staff as equals, almost like family. She was a ball of passion and it struck Logan to see someone so happy and content is such a busy setting. Logan had lusted over people before, but this was different. He has to know her. He had to feel her passion up close. He called his assistant and told her to book Marley’s as the caterer for his event. Logan stopped by Marley’s fairly regularly. He never made himself known, but he did enjoy watching her. He loved being the center of attention and drawing in people's gaze. Now all of his attention was on Tess, even if she didn’t know it. He thought meeting at the Pavilion, alone, would have been the perfect time to formally introduce himself.

He remembered how it felt to have Tess look at him. It was invigorating. At first he caught a brief sense of curiosity, which he found charming. The blush on her cheeks and her forced eye contact spoke to her professionalism and character. He wanted her gaze and admiration. Her lust, but she never gave in. He realized she was embarrassed. He had made his muse uncomfortable. She exuded a sense of meekness and shame. Not towards him, but somehow pointed to herself.

“ I think I felt embarrassed.” Tess responded. I had never seen… I mean, in real life. Of course you watch movies and sex scenes on tv, but it wasn’t the same. You would always see women fully exposed, but with men, parts were always hidden. Maybe it was my own underexposure to men, or just the surprise of it all. I felt shame and guilt. I was almost thirty and my only reference to the male body had been from tv shows, or stories from other people. I went to the restaurant and went home. I never really dated anyone, at least anyone serious. I was seeing all there was to see for the first time, and I wasn’t ready for it. All I could think of was that I was alone, in an unfamiliar space, and with someone I had never met. It was an out of body experience. All I could rely on was my professionalism and the job I came here to do. So if you asking if I felt lust, or an overwhelming sexual urge, I did not. If anything it was discomfiture and maybe fear. I ended up spending most of the night hiding in the service area. Not helping. I was truly just hiding from my lack of experience with men, with anybody really ”

“Do you feel the same sense of guilt and fear now? Three years into the relationship, and now married” Asked the doctor, ready to record whatever response Tess offered. “Yes” was the only response. “How does it feel when you are intimate with Logan?” That line of questioning posed a trigger for Tess. Thankfully Logan spoke up. For better or worse, he wanted to get to the root of the issue. “Our marriage hasn’t been consummated. Tess is still a virgin. She has allowed me to still work within my profession, but I have’t been intimate with my wife. I am used to a relationship where sex poses as a great foundation. Our marriage is different, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. If there is anything I could do to take Tess’ fear away, make her most comfortable with me and our relationship then I will do it. Whatever it takes. Even leaving the porn industry”

As a friend Ava was shocked. As their marriage counselor, she was granted private information about this seemingly happy couple. Information she could put to great use to get what she truly wanted. From both Logan and Tess.

“I think this has been an open introduction to some of the conflicts you both are facing. I am sure several of these issues can be fixed through communication and honesty. I will give you a homework assignment, and we will discuss the outcome during our next session. Tess you mentioned only experiencing the male form through tv shows and movies, even though Logan is more than happy to share his body with you. Since pornography is a part of your marriage, I would like you both to pick out a movie within that genre. Logan you can pick one, but it has to be a film in which you are not in, nor direct. Tess, your movie must include Logan in some way. I want you two to watch both films together, then explain to each other why you chose that movie. This discussion should include your favorite scenes within the film and anything you would like to try together. We can talk about your findings next week. If you don’t have any questions, Tiffany at the front desk can help you schedule your next appointment”

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The car ride was quiet. The couple couldn’t deny the tension that was slowly creeping into the space they shared. Tess whispered an offer to make dinner when they got home. Other than a hum from Logan, which Tess interpreted as an “Okay”, the car ride remained silent. They engaged in small talk through dinner, but nothing worth mentioning twice. Logan knew how to pace the conversation. He knew had to take his time. He knew how Tess would respond to certain stimuli. He’s got her talking about nonsense. Now he needs to set the scene to have a deeper conversation.

“ So what did you think of the first session?” “ I thought it went okay. It’s nice to have an outside force that supports our relationship and want to help us.” “ How do you feel about Ava being the one that helps us” Logan asked. “She was professional… But I don’t know. You two have a history? I know you two were friends. She probably knows things about you that I don’t know. Knows things about us before we spoke about our problems… I know you like her and think she’s a good fit. I just don’t know. It’s hard to blur the lines between therapist and friend, especially when she’s your friend.”
“ I assure you that I only spoke highly of you before she became our counselor. We were close before, but Ava and I drifted apart. It was natural, we are both professionals and live busy lives. It helps that she’s not completely unfamiliar with us and what I do, but she’s also not close enough to mean any ill will. She’s just going to help. Logan explained. “Okay. If you trust her, then so do I. I just wanted to make sure we are doing the right thing.” “We are. This is a good thing. The first step of many”

“Now that I know what you think of Ava as our counselor, what do you think about her homework assignment? Logan asked. “About watching a movie? Do you even shoot movies anymore? It sounds so 1970’s. Watching an old, poorly shot porno, with a guy with a signature porn-stash.”

“Your stalling… and although I love your sense of humor, you could do better to joke yourself out of this” Tess made a face, but didn’t object. “But I will humor you. I haven’t done a full movie with lines and a story, in a long time. Most of my work now are scenes directed by a studio. They still have some plot, but it's quicker than shooting for a movie. I prefer mapping out my own scenes for my studio, but I haven’t tried being both the director and the performer. I think that would be too exhausting. The editing alone..”

“I get it. So no porn-stash?” “ No, but if that’s what it takes for us, then I’ll consider it. ” Logan never made any jabs about his sex life with Tess, or lack thereof. He knew that his comment must have stung a little. Logan wanted Tess, and Tess wanted Logan. They just never connected in that way. “Please, tell me.. maybe at least the last pornographic movie you’ve seen.”

Could she tell him? Tess never spoke about her sexual perversions. To anyone. She didn’t write them down. She tried to avoid scenes in movies or tv. She threw away all of her novels. In truth she wanted to get away from these thoughts. If the conversation came up, she tried to avoid, change the subject, and hide her feelings with humor.

The truth is that Tess had seen one of Logan’s shoots before. She stopped partaking in this habit of watching porn years ago, but she remembered it. It was a part of Logan’s earlier work. Logan started his career working for a small studio house in LA. The studio focused on creating short films that highlighted unique kinks. Choking, spanking, and BDSM was softcore compared to what this studio produced. The film Tess was obsessed with involved a feeder kink and a dominant/ submissive dynamic. Logan was feed highly fattening and unhealthy food by his dominant female costar. Cakes, pizza, fried foods, pie. A diverse menu, but nothing that slimmed the waistline. He ate until he was full, and then he was fed more. After he had his fill, he was forced to orgasm repeatedly, as a source of pleasure for his dominant. This mix of pleasure and torture was highly arousing for Tess, but it also was a source of guilt. She knew it was wrong to watch, but there was a time where she could’t look away.

She had to turn off this train of thought. The need to someone eat and cum over and over again. She had to remove any trigger for sexual pleasure. She believed that it was sinful and wrong. She liked the idea of being spanked, she like the idea of being choke and dominated by someone. The idea of someone gorging on her food, and coming back for more. That was the ultimate source of pleasure, but she knew it was wrong. Feeding someone beyond their limit is wrong. So why did she enjoy it so much?

“That’s the last one you’ve watched?” Logan asked. “Well, yeah. I can’t say it’s a typical part of my routine. “ And what did you think of it?” “I can’t tell if it was supposed to be a comedy masquerading as a romance film, or maybe it’s the other way around? What I can say is that it starred Jason Mewes” “Yes, who could forget your teenage heartthrob” “Its the long hair.” Tess replied. “It does something to me” “ I’ll have to remember that next time I think about getting a haircut or growing out my mustache. But if I am thinking of the movie you described, I don’t think it counts as a pornographic film,” “ Oh no, I'm sure it does. It says it right in the name. It has to count, at least for something. Tess explained. “Sure, but you have to know that those kinds of movies and tv stuff isn’t real” “Well you’ve said yourself that sometimes the work you do can be deceiving as well. We all fake things sometimes.

“Yeah” Tess replied. “We all fake things sometimes.”