Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

David smiles as Mary Margaret’s arm slips through his own while they walk down the crowded sidewalk. She’s never one for much PDA and the fact that she feels safe enough, comfortable enough, shows just how far she’s come in the past couple of years. Her head gently falls against his shoulder and he presses a kiss to it, making the tips of her ears glow red. Soft snow gently falls around them, signifying the holiday that’s only days around the corner.

“Oh, the snow is so wet,” he teases.

Mary Margaret rolls her eyes and pulls her head away from him. “I cannot believe I told you my mother used to call me that. You’re never going to let me live that down.”

“You call me Charming, still.”

“That’s different.”

“Why? Because you came up with it?”

She rolls her eyes yet again. “What time do we have to meet up with your dad and Regina?”

“Not for a few more hours. We still have time to look around.”

By some miracle, all of them managed to get the week off and headed to Vermont to spend it at the cabin David’s grandmother had left to Robin. James, Belle and their little one had even come up as well to spend Christmas as one big family. For the day, they’ve split off on their own. Robin and Regina have taken Henry and Roland to go sledding. James and Belle are giving their third go for Gideon to meet Santa, which to David is basically torturing the child, he clearly hates it. But Belle insists, they need the perfect Christmas picture. Mary Margaret and David were invited by each group, but instead decided to get some quiet from the chaos and window shop.

Mary Margaret stops in front of a candy shop, who’s window is exploding with Christmas cheer. Fake snow dusts each corner, while a candy cane merry go-round shows off various treats.

“I think I’m going to pick up some candy for the kids’ stockings,” she says.

David smiles. “Look at you, being all soft for the boys.”

She shrugs, keeping her eyes on the confectionary. “They’re cute.” She breaks away, to glance up at him. “Coming in?”

“Uh, no. I have a feeling I’ll be tempted to buy everything in sight and I don’t think Archie will appreciate me calling him to work out my triggers.”

Mary Margaret nods, squeezing his arm. “I’ll be quick. You sure you don’t want anything?”

He debates it for a moment before nodding. “Some muddy bears, if they have them?”

“Of course.”

She pecks his cheek before heading inside. David leans against the glass, digging out his phone to check his e-mail. There’s not much there, outside spam and some automated bill payment reminders. He’s zoned out for a bit until he feels someone collide into him. Looking down, David finds a little girl who can’t be much older than Gideon. Fire red hair frames her face covered in freckles.

“Rebekah!” A faraway voice chides. “I told you not to run off like that.”

The little girl frowns, staring up at David. “Sorry.”

He chuckles. “It’s okay sweetheart. Just watch where you’re going next time.”

Another, deeper voice pulls him away from her. “I’m sorry about her…David?”

His head snaps up to find a familiar face. Kristoff stands there, his curly blonde hair covered by a gray beanie. It’s been nearly four years since David’s seen him in person and yet, not much has changed. The bags under his eyes are a little heavier, cheeks rosier from the weather, but everything else remains the same. David straightens up a bit, gnawing on his lower lip. This has been the moment he’s thought about for years. What would he say? Would he chew him out? Scream for everything he’s done?

“There you two are.” Another familiar voice pulls the two men away and David recognizes Anna joining the group. A tiny baby is strapped to her chest in a sling, quietly snoozing away. It takes David a moment to realize, she’s talking to Kristoff and Rebekah, and not him. Despite how much David once stalked his ex’s social media, he and Anna have never seen each other face to face. There’s a good chance, she doesn’t even know about him. “Are you ready to get some candy?”

“This is um, an old friend,” Kristoff stumbles over his words. “David. I haven’t seen him in a while. I’ll meet you two inside?”

Anna nods, the smile not leaving her face. “Very nice to meet you. Come on Bekah, let’s go check out the candy.”

The little girl slides her mitten covered hand into her mother’s and the two disappear into the crowded store. David shoves his phone back into his pocket, keeping his hand in there for warmth.

“She doesn’t know who I am?”

“She doesn’t connect it,” Kristoff shrugs. “I told her about you…when it all ended…”

Anger that David doesn’t want boils through his veins. “Well, at least you gave her that curtesy.”

Kristoff sighs, digging his foot into the snow that covers the sidewalk. “You look good.”

David nods, trying to calm himself down. “You look…like you have two kids.”

“Yeah, uh, we had a son last year.”

A pregnant pause falls over the two. In the distance, David can hear a Salvation Army charity bell and a flurry of different Christmas carols floating from the different shops. This is his moment, to say how he finally feels and yet…nothing comes to mind. All the anger, the betrayal and jealousy…how can he feel practically none of that as this man stands in front of him?

“I heard about what happened after we broke up,” Kristoff continues. David tilts his head. “Your um…your relapse.”

“Oh.”

“I…I’ve…” Kristoff clears his throat and stands up a little straighter. “Was that me?”

David laughs in spite of himself. After all this time, he’s not being asked “Are you okay?” or “How are you doing now?” Instead, all Kristoff wants is to absolve his own guilt. He wants answers, after David’s had none for the past four years. Kristoff knew about the overdose, potentially rehab and who knows what else, and he never called. Never checked in on him. He went on with his life and didn’t give a damn. A part of David wants to say yes, let him sit in it and suffer.

But it’d be a lie. It’s not Kristoff’s fault that David started using again. He’s not the one that gave him the pills. Kristoff had been one of his biggest supporters when it came to sobriety. He drove him to meetings and listened when David said he was struggling. Ultimately, David is the one who chose to go back down that path. Everything that lead him to being dead on the floor of his studio apartment was himself.

“No,” David says. “Nothing that happened to me was your fault. I’m the one that took the pills.”

“But before that…”

“I’m aware of what happened, Kris,” David interrupts, holding up a hand. He sighs, shaking his head. “I fell down the rabbit hole again. There was a lot of other stuff going on at the time and it piled on top of me already feeling like crap. Then I got hurt…” He trails off, shaking his head once again. Kristoff doesn’t need to hear the story, he doesn’t deserve to know what happened. “Anyway, I made choices. Bad ones, that lead me to where I was.”

He peers through the frosted glass, trying to get a glance of Mary Margaret. Her pom-pom covered green beanie manages to shine through and anchor him back Earth.

“I’m not in that place anymore. I’m okay.” He sees the doubt written across Kristoff’s face. “I am. My dad got me out of Michigan, we started over. I can honestly say that I’m doing good.”

A small smile comes across Kristoff’s lips. “I’m glad, I really am.”

Is he glad because it absolves him of guilt or happy that David is sober, in a good place? David doesn’t know and he doesn’t need to hurt himself by asking.

“Thank you,” David says.

Kristoff nods. “Are you in town for long?”

“Just through the 26^th. Here with my family and girlfriend.”

David isn’t sure, but he swears a twinge of jealousy sparks in those blue eyes. Kristoff recovers quickly and forces a smile. “Fun. I um…better go find Anna and the kids. It was good seeing you.”

David gives a quick nod of his own. “Have a good holiday.”

Kristoff walks inside and David allows himself to once again collapse against the building. He runs his hand over his face, letting out a long, deep sigh. His body doesn’t feel as heavy as he expected. That telltale urge isn’t there like it was before. Is this the final stage of grief? Acceptance, moving on. Even if the other person hasn’t.

Mary Margaret exits the shop, a couple of bags swung over her wrist. David pulls her into his side and presses a kiss to her lips, thankful for the familiar face. She deepens it for a few moments and when he finally pulls away, a curious smile takes over her.

“What was that for?”

“I’ll tell you later. Did you get all the candy?”

“Yes. Including your muddy bears.” She reaches into the bag and pulls out a smaller one to show off.

David manages to smile himself. “Thank you, baby.”

Another kiss clearly catches his girlfriend off guard. “What has gotten into you?”

“I’m just really glad I have you, you know?”

“Well, likewise. C’mon, let’s keep shopping.”

David knows he will have to call Archie later, sort out the complicated emotions brewing inside. But for now, he’s perfectly happy to hold on tight to Mary Margaret as they walk the snow covered sidewalk.

Chapter Text

Growing up, Robin’s family would cut their Christmas trees down themselves. No matter where they lived: the countryside in England, that small apartment in Brooklyn or the house in Michigan. The family would huddle up in his dad’s beat up truck and head down to the lot. Ears turning pink from the cold, they’d scan for the tallest one their home could manage. Later, they would decorate it with homemade ornaments and strings of popcorn and cranberry that his mother spent hours putting together.

Robin always told himself he’d do the same when he had kids of his own. He’s only officially been with Ruth for nine months now, living together for one but he already considers the boys his. Heaven knows Robert isn’t going to stand up for them, so he’ll be what they need or at least try to. He so badly wanted to find a tree lot and cut down a tree, drag it home. But money is tight this year. He quit his job at the ad agency earlier this year and has been slowly traveling through the process of becoming a rookie firefighter. Ruth’s balancing both school and her full time job at Home Depot. Spending the money to cut down a tree just isn’t practical.

So, he digs out his tiny two-foot artificial tree from storage. When he bought it shortly after getting this apartment, John had dutifully named it “An even more pitiful version of Charlie Brown”. Robin had found it extremely discounted in March. At the time, he was a single guy with no family to speak of. A dollar for a Christmas tree was a steal.

It droops under the weight of decorations the boys made at daycare combined with the few that fit from Robin and Ruth’s childhoods. She makes the star out of white origami paper that she borrowed from their neighbors. It sits in the corner of the living room, a Rudolph blanket covering the bottom.

The boys don’t seem to mind as the pile it with ornaments, that is when they’re not dashing to the TV to watch whatever Christmas cartoon is terrorizing the screen. They drink huge gulps of hot chocolate and scarf down the cookies Ruth made. They keep exclaiming how much fun they’re having. The excitement in their bright blue eyes marginally eases some of Robin’s guilt.

Ruth’s disappeared into the kitchen and the boys are back on the rug. This time, their eyes are torn from the television as they whisper into each other’s ears. Robin arches an eyebrow, folding his arms over his chest. They’re barely four and already, try to scheme to get one over on him and their mother.

“Whatchya talking about, boys?”

David pulls away, his cheeks tinting a bit. “You ask him,” he mumbles to his brother.

James shakes his head. “Nuh uh, you ask him.”

“Ask me what?” Robin asks, bracing himself to stay firm on the no more cookie rule.

David lets out a dramatic sigh, his head falling backwards. Robin bites his lip to suppress a giggle. “Um….well…do we…can we…” David finally looks over at him. “James wanted to know…” James glares at him. “Well you do!”

“Boys. Come on, just ask. I’ll either say yes or no, no harm done.”

“Can we call you Daddy?”

Time seems to stand still as Robin stares at the little boys in front of him. It’s been two years since he entered their lives. They’re smart, precocious and silly little boys that ask a million questions a minute. They wake up far too early on a Saturday to watch cartoons, especially Scooby Doo. Ever since they moved into the apartment, it’s been messier. Everything seems to have a layer of jam caked onto it. It’s hectic, loud…and he loves it. Even before he asked Ruth to go on a date with him, he knew he wanted to be something to them. He just didn’t know what they’d want.

The answer’s pretty clear now.

Robin drops to his knees in front of them, placing a hand on David’s cheek and squeezing James’ arm. “Do you want to do that?” They both nod. “Well, then I don’t see a problem with it.”

The two beam their matching smiles. “Cool,” James says.

Robin laughs, despite the tears threatening to trickle down his face. “Cool,” he repeats. “Now come on, I think we can sneak one more cookie while your mum gets dinner ready.”

Chapter Text

“Just tell him,” Kathryn says, rubbing David’s shoulders. He can’t help but ease back into her as her thumbs dig into his skin. Her strong arms from spending so much time weight lifting with him are a healthier way to ease his stress. “He’ll help you.”

“He’s going to be so disappointed in me,” David mumbles, staring out onto the empty football field.

“Maybe.” Kathryn’s hair brushes against his neck. “But he’ll get over it. I know your dad, he loves you, both of you. Unconditionally. Lord knows he’s forgiven James for worse.”

David sighs, leaning back into his girlfriend’s chest. She wraps her arms tightly around him, kissing the side of his head. He knows he’s lucky. She wasn’t supposed to go into the boys’ locker room. Kathryn could’ve easily assumed he was hanging out with Eric and Thomas, heading home without him.

He’ll always be grateful that something in her gut told her to walk in. Find him laying on the disgusting blue and white tile, leaning against his locker, choking on his own vomit. He barely remembers any of it, just her dragging him into a sitting position and making the choking stop. Then the sounds of her grunting as she dragged his deadweight body and soon, water hitting him. It was only then, he gasped for breath and collapsed into her arms. The tears mixed with the uneven droplets from the rusty shower head.

Now, they sit on the uncomfortable bleachers. They’ve each changed into dry clothes. The pills carefully reburied at the bottom of his bag.

“I feel so embarrassed,” he whispers. “I’ve dry swallowed them before. I don’t know why I choked this time.”

“It might be a sign from God,” Kathryn says. “Telling you to stop this crap.” She pauses, her fingers inching away from his shoulders. “Why don’t you give me the pills? That way you’re not tempted anymore.”

David shakes his head. “My dad will know of a place to dispense them. I think they go to the police station?” He shrugs before twisting his body to look back at her. “I’m going to do better, Kathy. I promise.”

Her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Okay,” is all she says.

He stands up, jumping off the second bleacher, ignoring that’s what got him into this mess in the first place. David extends a hand and helps her down. She doesn’t hold his hand as they walk in silence to her car. Britney’s latest single is the only thing that he can hear as they drive the 5 minutes to his house. Once they pull into the drive, he leans over to give her a kiss goodbye. She moves her head, so he gets her ear instead. He sighs.

“Call you later?”

Kathryn shrugs. “I have that test tomorrow. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Okay. Love you.”

“You too.”

He gets out of the car, adjusting his backpack strap on his shoulder. She doesn’t even wait for him to go inside as usual. Instead, he’s the one that watches her tiny Prius drive in the opposite direction, to the richer part of town. David lets out another sigh, fumbling for the keys in his pocket. He hasn’t even unlocked the door when he hears James’ yelling.

“My God, you make everything a federal case!”

His father’s British accent comes next as David pushes the heavy wood open. “Well, you’ll end up with one if this shit continues!”

“Oh, so you can swear, but when I do it…”

“I’m the father, James. Your father. You may want to pretend otherwise, but that’s the way it is.”

David silently hangs his keys on a hook attached to the “Hang up your shit” board against the wall in the entry way. It was James’ gift to Robin the previous Father’s Day. He busies himself around the kitchen, grabbing some water and a quick snack (peanut butter pretzels and a tangerine). His father and twin haven’t heard him come in, or if they have, they’re not stopping their fight.

“Must be a good one,” he mumbles.

David didn’t hear anything at school regarding James. That doesn’t mean he didn’t get into trouble elsewhere or it just hasn’t had time to get around. He leans in the doorway, knowing neither James nor their father will bother to look in his direction.

“I’m going out,” James announces.

Robin shakes his head, that vein in his forehead popping ever so slightly. “Oh no, you’re not. You’re grounded.”

James laughs. “In just a month, I’ll be 18. What tools will you have to force me here?”

“You think that’s what I want?” Robin throws his arms in the air. “I want you to want to be here, James. To talk to me. Let me in for once in your life!”

“Yeah, well we don’t always get what you want.”

James picks up his leather jacket, heading straight for the doorway that David is leaning in. He catches a sight of his twin, but doesn’t say anything to him. Robin walks directly behind his eldest son.

“James George Locksley, you are not leaving this house!”

“Watch me, Robin.”

David winces. It’s been so long since he’s heard James refer to Robin as their father. It was his idea to start calling him that in the first place and now it’s apparently a foreign language. Even the rare time his brother is pleasant, he refuses to use the “D” word. Robin flinches every time, but never corrects him. Instead, he just continued to refer to himself as “daddy” and later “dad” when talking about either boy.

James’ body roughly brushes David’s as he heads for the front door. David’s lips open to play peacekeeper, as he always does, but James is quick. The door slams shut before David can even get out the syllables of his brother’s name.

David watches his father sink onto the ottoman in front of the overstuffed recliner in the corner of the room. Robin buries his head in his hands, cursing at himself. David purses his lips, memories hitting him of that chair. Cuddled up with his father and James as they watched the game. His mom bringing them snacks. The three falling asleep in it after crying their eyes out the day Ruth died. All the times he’s waited up for James in there on the nights Robin has to work.

He used to love that chair. And now it’s a reminder of how much has changed. His mother is dead. James is a dick. And his father is stressed out.

David pulls his backpack off his shoulder and cradles it in his arms as he unzips it. With his eyes still on his father, he digs through the mess of tests, fliers and food wrappers, looking for the bottle he bought off of Andy.

Robin lifts his head up, his blue eyes filled with anxiety. Bags hang heavily beneath. He worked a 24 hour shift and got home late the night prior. He should sleep, take advantage of the quiet while the boys are at school and various practices. Instead, he has to deal with James and soon, David.

“Hey, bud,” Robin says, rubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Hey,” David whispers. “What happened now?”

Robin shakes his head, a strained laugh bubbling from his lips. “Oh, ya know. Same old, same old. Your brother getting into trouble.”

David fingertips brush against the orange bottle as his breath hitches.

“I’m just glad I have one good boy, ya know?” A small smile comes across Robin’s lips as he puts his hands on his knees to push himself up. He walks closer to David, causing the younger boy to hold his backpack tighter to his chest. Robin pats his cheek, causing David to shut his eyes. “You’re my easy kid.”

It takes everything David has to not break down into tears. He gently pulls away from his father’s grasp. Once his eyes open, he sees worry etched on his father’s face.

“Are you okay, Davey?”

David releases his grip on the bottle, allowing it to fall back to the bottom.

“Fine, I just…” He groans when his voice squeaks, quickly recovering. “ADHD brain.” Robin raises an eyebrow. “Squad is going to nationals.” He digs out a crumpled permission slip. “Needs to be signed by tomorrow.”

Robin chuckles, shaking his head. “If that’s the worst of your problems, bubba, I think we’re okay.”

He takes the piece of paper from David, straightening it out as he heads into the kitchen for a pen. David zips his backpack up and drops it by the stairs. He will tell his dad. As soon as shit calms down with James. His brother can’t be a magnet for drama forever, right?

Robin comes back in a minute later, the ink still wet on the paper. David takes it, mumbling his thanks before shoving it into the front pocket of his backpack.

“I don’t know when your brother is going to be back and I slept most of this morning. I was going to go shopping before James’ teacher called,” Robin says with as slight scowl. “You wanna come with me?”

“Need a chaperone to shop?” David manages to joke, a small smile coming out.

Robin rolls his eyes. “I just missed you. Too uncool to hang out with your old man?”

“Definitely not. Let me just go put this away, okay?”

David slips up the stairs and into the cluttered room he shares with James. He throws his backpack onto his unmade and digs out his pills. David opens the drawer he stores his shorts in. Spring is months off. He won’t risk his father putting laundry away in here. And after today, he can’t guarantee Kathryn won’t go through his backpack. David hides the bright orange bottle under a pair of navy-blue basketball shorts and slams it shut. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and quickly texts Kathryn.

Dad is going to bring them to the station tomorrow. It’s over. I’ll never take them again.

She doesn’t respond and he chalks it up to her studying. Kathryn gets in the zone, blasting her music as loud as she can without her father getting mad. David returns his phone and heads to the stairs, ready to help his father grocery shop and keep his golden boy status.

Chapter Text

James pushes his way through the crowds of people, Jack on his arm. This party is lame. Watered down booze, pop music that doesn’t get anyone in the mood to dance. There’s not even beer or red solo cups to play everyone’s favorite game. There’s only one thing left to do. About the only thing he and Jack have in common. She’s in a teal crop top and high rise black shorts that show off her ass. A good time with her will guarantee this night isn’t a total bust and a waste of time.

As the two round the corner,  Jack stands on her tiptoes to kiss his ear, whispering all the dirty things she’ll do to him once they get a room. That quickens his step as he pulls her up into her arms in a fireman’s hold. She lets out a loud laugh, her hair tickling his cheek.

James nudges open the first door he sees, ready to throw her back on the bed and rip her clothes off. The room should be empty, Sam begged them to stay in the front of the house. Instead, James finds it occupied. His brother sits at Sam’s desk, which is littered with Star Wars figurines that match the posters on the walls and sheets on the bed. Arthur Ryan stands above David. James slowly lowers Jack feet first on the floor, an uneasy feeling taking over. In David’s hand is a credit card, which he’s combing against something. He takes a few steps closer, Jack not far behind. David doesn’t even look up, entranced with his project. It reminds James of the zen garden on Dr. Carson’s desk. Except instead of sand to rake, it’s a molehill of coke.

“David!”

The credit card slips from David’s fingers and onto the floor. He looks up, their identical blue eyes connecting. Panic is etched on his brother’s face. His mouth opens and closes repeatedly like a fish. 

The first person to speak is Arthur. “James, why don’t you go down the hall? The master bedroom is bigger.”

James ignores the college freshman that shouldn’t even be at this party. “David,” he repeats. “What the hell?”

“Really, James,” Arthur butts in. “This is none of your business.”

James’ head snaps up, fury running through his body. He barely even hears the door push open in the background, Jack no doubt slipping out. James doesn’t care. Suddenly, any drive to fuck her has disappeared.

“None of my business? You have my brother here about to do coke. Is this how you get your kicks? Corrupting high schoolers?”

David’s voice comes out in a soft whisper. “James…” The quiet is quickly taken over by Arthur’s loud laughter. James narrows his eyes.

“This is funny to you?!? Which part? Pressuring my brother into doing coke? Or him being scared shitless?”

“You thinking your brother is some innocent lamb,” Arthur fires back once his laughter has subsided. 

“He is.”

James sees the flicker of doubt take over David’s eyes. He tilts his head. David has always been the better of the two. Good grades, even with his ADHD and dyslexia. A great group of friends. He’s on the cheer squad, dating the homecoming queen. James is the family screw up. He’s the one Robin can depend on, James too. Without David, he and their dad’s fights would cause damage beyond repair. Maybe David isn’t perfect, but to James he’s more like the older brother.

“Arthur, come on.” David picks up a discarded mini plastic bag, using the credit card to carefully put it back. “We don’t have to do this now.”

“Now? How about never?”

Arthur smirks and James wants nothing more than to punch him in the face. “No, Dave. Does your brother not know that you’ve been buying this and pills off me for months?”

David stares at the ground as every muscle in James’ body tightens. He grabs hold of David’s arm, forcing him up.

“Let’s go.”

“James…”

“Now!”

Arthur steps forward, putting a hand on David’s back. “You’re a big boy, Dave. You don’t have to go with him if you don’t want to.”

David shakes his head. “He’s just going to be an ass about it. Not worth it. I’ll call you.”

He pulls himself away from James, storming out of the bedroom. James walks quickly behind him. The loud bubblegum pop drowns out behind them as James slams the front door shut. David’s ignoring him, heading straight for their shared truck. 

“Hey!” James yells after him. David spins around, looking pissed. “What the hell? I catch you about to do a line of coke and you’re mad at me?!?”

“I had it handled!”

“Handled? David, how could you be so stupid?”

He throws his hand in the air. “Or I guess the real question is, how long have you been this stupid?”

“It’s not a big deal, okay? Like you’ve never done drugs.”

“Pot, some.”

“And you drink like a fucking fish. You have no moral high ground here.”

“Coke is a lot different than some rum and weed, David! And you know it! What did he mean about pills?”

“I’m not having this conversation.”

“Yes, you are. Or I call Robin right now.”

David glares at him, walking closer.

“Look, sometimes my leg still hurts. My prescription ran out and the doctor won’t give me more. Arthur has connections, it’s just when I can’t stand it.”

James’ anger slowly decreases, worry taking its place. “That sounds dangerous. Oxy can be pretty addictive.”

“I’m not an addict, okay? I broke my leg in three places. My PT said it’s bound to hurt every now and again. He recommended different treatments, none of it works. Just the pills.”

“How many do you take a day?”

“It’s not that many.”

“Tell me. Now.”

David sighs, running his hair through the curls that dangle in front of his eyes.

“I dunno. Three or four.”

“David!”

“It keeps the pain away. I can do the routines as needed, go out with my friends and Kathryn. It works better than a stupid ice bath and those excersises.”

“I refuse to believe that.”

“Believe whatever the hell you want.”

James shakes his head. “And the coke? Are you really buying that twice a month?”

“God, no. You think I have that kind of money? I just do it at parties.”

“Arthur said…”

“Arthur is a prick who wants to get under your skin.”

James stares at his brother, trying to figure out the truth. Can he really not tell if his own twin is lying? Bedtime always assumes they have this psychic connection. In this moment, James can’t figure out what’s going on in his head.

“I still think the pills are too dangerous,” he finally says. “And even if it is just at the rare party, coke could kill you.”

“I know what I’m doing.” James doesn’t move. “What? Are you going to tell Dad? You honestly think he’d believe you? You always like to make fun of me and call me a Daddy’s boy, the golden child. Who do you think he’ll believe? Me, who as far as he knows has never even drank? Or the son that he’s had to hose puke off of?”

James’ stomach drops, hurt taking over his heart. He knows that he’s a screw up. James started acting out so long ago, he isn’t sure if he could stop, even if he wanted to. It’s easier to push Robin away himself these days. It means Robin can’t leave him, like Robert did. Robin keeps pushing, hard. One day he’ll give up, James is sure of it. 

He thinks of all the times he blamed shit on David. A broken vase when they were 6. Stolen candy from the bodega when they were 8. The graffiti on the neighbor's garage when they were 14. More recently, that bottle of lemon vodka that Robin found in the truck. It wasn’t even James’, Jack left it there. James was quick to point the finger to David. Robin shook his head.

“David doesn’t even speed, James. Why would he be so stupid to drink and drive?”

James relented after that, admitting to all of it. David wasn’t even smug, willing to take the fall for his brother. Because that’s the kind of guy he is. 

Or at least who he used to be.

As James stares into his brother’s angry eyes, he knows it’s true. He’s cried wolf too many times. Robin will never believe Golden Boy would touch coke or take oxy like tic tacs.

“You’re right,” James mumbles. “He wouldn’t.”

David nods. “Stay out of my business, okay? You’ve never given a shit before. Don’t start now.”

James shakes his head. “David, that’s not…”

“Let’s call a spade a spade. For the past 7 years, all you have cared about is your anger. Your pain. You lost Mom so you get to be an asshole. It’s fine. I’ve accepted it. But you can’t have it both ways. If you wanted to be my brother, you should’ve tried years ago.”

Tears burn James’ eyes but he wills them away. He doesn’t cry. No matter what Dr. Carson says about it being healthy, he won’t let it happen.

“I’m going. Can you get a ride with Jack?”

James shakes his head. “I’ll come with you.”

David rolls his eyes. “Why? Afraid I’ll snort something?”

“No, David,” James says through gritted teeth. “Believe it or not, I want to spend time with you.”

“You’re right. I don’t believe it.”

The two climb into the truck, James taking the wheel. David pulls his legs up onto the bench seat, curling them under him. He lays his head out the window. James stares at him for a second, trying to picture the brother he used to have. The one that had a smile that could melt the sun. The one who nerded out over comic books. The one who believed in the Easter Bunny until he was 11. The one who held James’ hand during their mother’s funeral and gave him that famous charming smile.

“It’ll be okay, Jamie.”

James pushed him away at the time. Nothing felt like it was ever going to be okay. Not again.

And yet now, that’s all James wanted. For David to hold his hand and promise everything will be okay.

That brother is gone now. James is responsible for his disappearance, at least partially. That’s all their dad will think, even if he does believe him.

James does what he does best. He leans over and cranks the old AC/DC tape that’s stuck in the cassette player, staring out into the dark road in front of him, forcing himself to bury his worry and pain.