Archive of Our Own ^beta

Tsukishima was sick on his stomach. He didn’t dare to speak, fearing he’d throw up, so he only nodded.

“Tsukki?” it came from the other end of the line. “are you still there?”

How stupid. How was Kenma supposed to see his reaction during a phone call. 

“Yes,” he said, swallowing the bitterness that raised up his throat.

“I’ll be your +1.” 

“Tsukki! My man!” Trust Bokuto to not be weirded out at all to see the ex show up to Kuroo’s wedding. He hugged Tsukishima as if they were still best friends despite not having talked after he and Kuroo broke up three years ago. Bokuto playfully punched him in the stomach. 

Playful punch meant in Bokuto-ish to almost knock the air of Tsukki. He also hadn’t eaten properly the days leading up to Kuroo’s and Iwaizumi’s big day, so that didn’t help. He hadn’t stopped feeling sick since Kenma begged him to come, too. 

Tsukishima hadn’t used his fake “what, did you believe I take any of this seriously? I thought we were all joking!” laugh since his high school days. “We’ve all moved on, haven’t we? The past is just a warm-up for the future and we’re here to celebrate real love, right?” 

“If you say so?” Bokuto didn’t sound convinced and Tsukishima wasn’t either. Kuroo, Kuroo, Kuroo. He hadn’t even seen the happy grooms yet but that was all that he heard. They seemed to have invited every name associated with professional volleyball. 

Tsukishima had given up volleyball for good after their breakup. Kuroo had left him and taken his motivation with him. There was a time when Kuroo had been so proud of him because finally, Tsukishima had started to play volleyball for himself. 

Not for the grade, not for the victory, not to bond with his brother.
Well, Kuroo had been wrong about that. They had been wrong about so many things.
“Kenma!” the painfully familiar voice shouted from behind them.

Kuroo. 

“Oh.” Kuroo was handsome. The years had sharpened the outline of his jaw even more, his eyes were cheeky and youthful as they used to be when Kei fell in love with them in high school. Then he fell all over in love with them again when Kuroo closed them for their first kiss. 

The first time they looked down at him, overflowing with warmth and love when they made love for the first time.
Kuroo could wear sweatpants and a t-shirt and just his eyes would make him the most handsome man in the room. 

The perfectly fitted suit turned handsome into stunning. The neatly combed down hair was an invitation to run hands through it. But it wouldn’t be Tsukishima’s hands.
Kuroo’s smiles also weren’t for him anymore. That’s why the happy face hardened when Kuroo saw him. 

“Hello, K- Tsukki.”
“Hello. Congratulation.” Still that fake happy face. Tsukishima was good at it. “I’m so glad you’ve finally found the happiness you deserve.”
“Yeah, same.” He took Iwaizumi’s hand in his. 

They were a powerful couple. Both athletic and with wide shoulders and strong arms. Iwaizumi has never been a man of big smiles and raw laughter, in that regard, maybe they weren’t that different. So it was everything else about Tsukishima that hadn’t been good enough for Kuroo. 

“He’s my +1,” Kenma stated after they all shook hands and Kuroo had given him a hug.
“It’s good to see you again.” Kuroo gave him a weird look and then smiled at Iwaizumi. “It’s good to have moved on.”
“Yeah. Excuse me for a moment.” 

His escape ended in the restrooms. The tiled wall was cool to his forehead and if he waited only a couple of minutes more, the urge to throw up would subside, too.
It had been a whirlwind romance, people said. 

Tsukishima had hesitated a long time and rejected Kuroo more than once until he had found the courage to be honest to himself and Kuroo about his feelings.
Kuroo had enjoyed his single life until he and Iwaizumi got to know each other better, people said. 

Tsukishima and Kuroo had been each other’s first. 

People had raised eyebrows when they heard about Kuroo and Tsukishima dating. Wasn’t the long distance too hard for two young men? Were they really sure they were into men? Kuroo didn’t look the type, voices whispered. They were so different, such a miracle they made it work. 

But Iwaizumi and Kuroo, wasn’t it sweet how much the happy couple had in common? They looked great next to each other. So much confidence and charisma in one room, wonderful. And Iwaizumi deserved a second chance at love. He was engaged before. 

Tsukishima had heard that fact a million times since they arrived, it seemed. 

To his childhood friend Oikawa who had not only gone on Tsukishima’s nerves during their high school volleyball days. Rumour had it Oikawa’s temper had evened out as he grew older and he had dropped his playboy ways as soon as he believed in Iwaizumi’s love for him. 

Their love was like a teenage romcom but with young adults. 

One drunk driver ended their happy end one day before their wedding. 

He deserved a second chance at love, yes. It was true. And that made everything worse.
Tsukishima rushed into the closest stall and bent over the toilet just in time. He didn’t cry, the tears that ran over his face were just a reflex. 

Everyone knew that vomiting had that effect on most people. 

“Here.” Kenma offered him a glass of orange juice and a mint when Tsukishima was done rinsing his mouth to get the vile taste out of his mouth. The mint and orange combination created a vileness of its own kind and his restless stomach didn’t feel excited about it either. 

But it stayed down and it was almost as if he hadn’t locked himself into a restroom stall for twenty minutes.
“You still love him, don’t you?” Kenma asked.
“Is it that obvious?” Tsukishima dried his hands with a paper towel and put his glasses on. 

His reflection in the mirror looked horrible. Pale and sick. He might as well have written “I don’t want to be here” across his face with a text marker.
“Yes.”
“Did you know when you invited me?”
“Yes.”
“You’re cruel, Kenma.” 

“Maybe.” Kenma shrugged. “But you needed to see this. Let’s go back or we’ll miss the ceremony.”
Tsukishima was a capable adult. He was neither a yes-man nor a doormat. He wasn’t the type who felt obligated to people he wasn’t close to if a situation made him uncomfortable. 

He and Kenma got along once he and Kuroo started dating but they never became close friends.
But he nodded and followed him out of the restroom without resistance. 

The ceremony was beautiful. He had never seen Kuroo this bashful or nervous. He was pale with glowing red cheeks, almost as if he had a fever. Tsukishima wanted nothing more but to walk up to him, push his hair back and assure him with tender kisses it would be all right. 

It was almost funny how he barely dared to look anyone in the eyes. He avoided looking at the guests and shyly glanced at the priest and Iwaizumi.
Tsukishima blinked a few times. He could have been the one up there, holding Kuroo’s shaking hands, 

smiling gently at him, drinking the vows that were meant for him. 

They were meant for Iwaizumi. The handsome, strong, tragic groom.
Tsukishima didn’t compare to that.
“I think I understand now,” he whispered to Kenma. “It was good you brought me along. I needed this.”
Kenma muttered something Tsukishima didn’t understand. 

The reception was a blast. People laughed and cheered at the new couple. The wedding cake was a piece of art. Tsukishima could only imagine how beautiful the pictures of the newlyweds cutting the cake would look. 

“This could have been me,” he thought.
“Yeah,” Kenma said and Tsukishima felt sick again. He hadn’t been aware he was voicing his thoughts. 

“Kei! I know that face! You haven’t eaten enough! How often do I have to tell you that you’ll ruin your health if you keep skipping meals?” It was the third time he came over with a slice of wedding cake for him and for the third time, Tsukishima politely rejected it. 

Kuroo’s grin became wonkier with every whiskey sour.
Tsukishima had been sipping from the same glass of water for almost an hour. He really wasn’t well tonight. The smell of the cake made him sicker than he already was. 

It smelled of sugar and vanilla and cream and strawberries. 

“You don’t look good.”
“I’ve been busy at work lately and haven’t slept much. Thank you for your concern, but you don’t have to worry about me.” He smiled at Iwaizumi and he meant it when he said, “I’m glad you found happiness. 

We never knew each other well but you were always an upright guy. And you two look beautiful together.” 

“I hear that a lot so I guess there’s something to it. Thank you, Tsukishima.” Iwaizumi smiled back at him but there was still this expression of concern. Tsukishima didn’t like it. This was the husband of the man he loved. He wanted to hate him. 

But he couldn’t. Iwaizumi was a good guy and he would make Kuroo very happy in the future. 

“You really think so?”
“Excuse me for a moment, I need to speak with Bokuto.” Tsukishima quickly rushed over to the table with Bokuto and Akaashi. He hadn’t been aware he had spoken his thoughts out loud, again. 

“Are you angry I brought him?” he heard Kenma ask Iwaizumi but he didn’t hear the answer. 

Of course he’d be angry. Everyone would be angry if you were forced to host the ex who still wasn’t over your husband. On your wedding day.
“Hey, hey, hey!” a loud drunk voice shouted. Kuroo appeared behind them and put his arms around Bokuto’s and Tsukishima’s shoulders. 

“Hey,” Bokuto protested. “That’s my text!”
“I need to clean my glasses.” He’d spend the rest of the night locked away in the restroom if he had to. Anything as long as he didn’t start to cry like a baby in front of his ex over a casual drunk touch. 

He was quiet on their ride home. He dropped Kenma at his place and they muttered an exhausted goodbye. At home, Tsukishima cried. He emptied the bottle of wine he had been gifted by his co-workers as an apartment warming gift when he moved in here after he and Kuroo broke up. 

He hated wine. He hated that he didn’t remember who initiated the breakup. He refused to remember the reason because it was stupid. They hadn’t fallen out of love or committed a dealbreaker. It was an argument. 

And for once, Kuroo didn’t give in to keep the peace and Tsukishima had missed the chance to grow and admit he was wrong for once.
But that didn’t matter anymore. Kuroo was happily married and while he, Tsukishima lay drunk on the carpet and stared at the living room ceiling, 

Kuroo and his true love embraced their wedding night.
His phone notified him of a new text. He almost threw up again when he sat up and crawled to the coffee table to look at it.
“I’m sorry,” it said. Someone was typing. 

Tsukishima was too drunk and sick to ask questions. He blocked the unknown number.
If anyone was sorry, it was him. But that didn’t help him to move on. Maybe a literal move would. His superior had been hinting at a project in Paris. He’d ask him about it on Monday. 

With the hopeful thought of changing his life, he curled up on the carpet with the empty bottle in his arms and silently cried himself to sleep. 

-

“Kei?” Kuroo blinked against the sunlight. “Fuck, no! Ugh!” His head was exploding! The fact that it was still on his shoulders didn’t matter, he clearly felt how it exploded. 

“Hajime!” he chirped but the spot next to him was empty. “Guess I overslept.” He yawned and stretched and yawned again. 

He barely remembered the events of last night. Something about getting married to the love of his life. Kenma was there. And Kei. And lots and lots of alcohol.
“Now, that was one hell of a party.” Fortunately, Hajime was always prepared for everything. 

After a quick bathroom visit, he searched for Hajime’s bag. The sooner he got in an aspirin or twelve to deal with his headache the sooner he could join his husband for breakfast. Thank god they had found a hotel that served a brunch until the early afternoon. 

His husband. That had a ring to it. Like his finger. Good, it was good. And Kei even wished him happiness. He wished he had invited Kei to join them for breakfast. And Kenma, too, of course. He looked like he hadn’t been eating well in a while. 

But oh well, that was that and in the past. He had a husband to take care of, and even better, Iwaiz- Hajime knew how to take care of himself. That had been refreshing after years of making sure that his first love ate properly, didn’t pull too many all-nighters, made it safely home on rainy days, and that his hands were warm when it snowed.

Well, Kei was an adult and he had friends. He’d be fine. And he, Kuroo, was getting a second chance for love. What more could a man ask for? 

“Where is that damn bag?” He was so certain Hajime left it on the table when they checked in and got ready for the wedding. But there was no bag.
Only a map and a list with the most interesting sightseeing spots, the hotel’s emergency and room service numbers 

and an unopened letter with his name written on it. 

Confused, Kuroo opened it.

Then he sat down. 

“I’m happy I found you. You brought light into my darkened life. I was meant to be married the day after and it never happened. A drunk driver took my love away from him and now I took the love away from someone else. 

Thank you for your light, Tetsurou. I’ve been blessed by the hope it offered, the hope that one day, I might move on, and now it’s time I return it where it belongs. 

Please take it back to its rightful owner, the only one who can truly let you glow when he looks at you.
I’ll send you the signed annulment papers in a couple of days.

In friendship, Tooru’s fiancé Hajime” 

Twenty minutes later, Kenma smirked when he saw Kuroo’s number flashing on his phone display.
“I’m not sure what happened, Kenma,” Kuroo’s confused voice whimpered. “I feel like I’m caught in a weird dream. And you were there, and Iwaizumi, and Bokuto, and Keiji.” 

Kenma waited.
“And Kei.”
There it was.
“Have you woken up now?” Kenma asked. Again, a long pause.
“Yeah,” Kuroo said with a sudden clearness and confidence Kenma hadn’t heard in a while from him. “Yeah. It’s like I see everything clearly for the first time in a long while.” 

“I’ll send a taxi to your hotel now, Kuroo, and if you tell the driver to drop you off at my doorstep I’ll tell Bokuto to punch you."
“Thank you, Kenma. For everything. I don’t know how to repay you.”
“Don’t screw it up this time and we’re good.” 

Kenma hung up and after calling the taxi as he had promised, he returned to his game. Sometimes, he thought, people are like characters in a game, but with a much worse and absolutely useless AI.

Kuroo took a long, deep breath before he rang the doorbell. He had put together several speeches during his taxi ride from the hotel and every single one of them was forgotten when he finally stood in front of the door to Tsukki’s apartment. He reread the name under the doorbell for the twentieth time.

This was insane. He had just gotten married, for fuck’s sake, to a great guy, and that same great guy had left him less than twenty-four hours after the ceremony, informing him with a note about the impending annulment of their marriage. That should feel wrong, he should be worried and feel hurt. And he felt a little sad, yes, and he felt regret but it was mostly about letting it go this far. Because what really hurt him, what really stung in his chest and made swallowing difficult was the little nameplate with “Tsukishima” written on it. Only “Tsukishima”, not “Tsukishima & Kuroo”, as it used to when they lived together. He had been an idiot and so many people got hurt because of it. Kenma, who he had brushed off - rather harshly towards the end - when his best friend questioned his feelings. His other friends tried to voice their concerns and were caught between wanting to stop him from making a painful mistake and respecting Iwaizumi, who they all liked. 

Iwaizumi, one of the best guys he had met and was happy to call his friend. And now Kuroo might have destroyed that friendship because his denial dragged him into this mess, when, deep down, he knew that Iwaizumi was still struggling with the loss of the love of his life. Kuroo was disgusted by himself. They were both grown, smart men, yet, he felt like he had taken advantage of a friend’s grief and used it as a bandaid to distract from his own heartache. Kuroo owed him an apology and he’d try to make things right. Just as he was trying to make things right now. Because there was no doubt, not when he saw the nameplate, nor when the door opened and wide golden eyes in a pale, pinched face stared at him in shock. This was the man he loved. 

The dishevelled hair, the wrinkled clothes, the smell of stale alcohol, none of this stopped his heart from jumping in his chest. He had so much to say but couldn’t remember a single word. It was as if he was still drunk. Like yesterday, when he had a few drinks before the ceremony, nervous about the day, convinced that the excitement would come as soon as the wedding started. And then, after the first shock of surprise when he saw who Kenma brought with him, the excitement was there but he had been too stupid to see where it came from. 

“Tsukki…” His throat was too tight to say more.

“Kuroo? How…why?” Tsukki’s voice was as shaky as his legs. He held on to the doorframe as he took a small step forward, reaching out one trembling, tentative hand. 

They hugged.

Tsukki’s body was so much lighter in his arms than he remembered but that didn’t matter. It just felt right. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Tsukki muttered against his shoulder. “It was all my fault. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, for everything. It’s my fault,” Kuroo whispered back, gently stroking the back of Tsukki’s head. He had missed playing with the soft, blond hair so much. 

“No, it wasn’t.” Tsukki pulled away from him, wiping his face with his sleeve, shaking his head. “I was too stubborn to admit you were right, and then too stubborn to call you. I thought…I thought…I don’t know what I thought.” 

“Wait, what are you talking about?”

Tsukki looked at him, tired and surprised.

“That day, when we argued and you walked out,” he said, confused. “I…I’m not even sure what we argued about but even then, I knew I was in the wrong but I was too proud to admit it.” 

“Oh! No, no, no, wait a second.” Kuroo grabbed Tsukki by his arms. “That’s not your fault. Yeah, you were in the wrong, but fuck, Tsukki, we aren’t children anymore. I should have come back, or at least called you to talk! I was too proud, too!” 

“But I was the one who screwed up! And it wasn’t the first time!” Tsukki raised his voice and, almost desperate, grabbed Kuroo by his shirt. “That time when my brother visited, or when you were too tired to go out on our anniversary, or when you warned me to stop doing all-nighters, and that I needed to eat, and not just drink coffee and energy drinks and when-” He fell quiet when the door of a neighbouring apartment opened. Voices whispered behind it. Kuroo and Tsukki turned red.

“Maybe we should continue this elsewhere.” Kuroo gave a flustered smile, nodding at the corridor behind his ex. “Can I come in?” 

Tsukki nodded and they went inside. 

Kuroo smiled. Tsukki’s living room looked a lot like the one they used to share. A mess of papers and documents buried exactly one armchair, Tsukki’s laptop on top of them, miraculously put on that one spot where it wouldn’t fall victim to gravity. He also noticed several empty cans and bottles between the table and sofa, something that explained Tsukki’s disarrayed and sickly appearance this morning. 

In stark contrast to that, the rest of the room was pristine. The books piled up next to the tall bookshelf were carefully stacked and sorted, not one angle out of order. The same pictures were on the wall, only missing the ones that belonged to Kuroo. Even the photos on the small side table were the same, showing Tsukki’s family and friends. Only one was put face down. Kuroo’s smile disappeared when he recognized the frame. He picked it up, biting on his tongue to hold back a sob. 

It was the only picture of himself that Tsukki had allowed in their apartment. It was taken when they went on a vacation after Tsukki’s first year at university. It showed Tsukki laughing at the camera and Kuroo proudly grinning at him, his arm wrapped tightly around Tsukki’s waist.

“I’m sorry for the mess, please be patient,” Tsukki mumbled as he hastily picked several used tissues and an empty wine bottle off the floor and kicked a whisky bottle and two empty beer cans under the sofa. He froze and dropped everything he was holding when Kuroo hugged him from behind. 

“I love you.” Kuroo choked up and Tsukki began to cry. 

“You married someone else, Kuroo,” Tsukki got out after a while, choking up as he said the words. “I’m grateful that I have a chance to apologize. I know it’s too late for us and I’m sorry for making a scene at your wedding yesterday and-” 

“No, Tsukki, listen!” Kuroo let go of him, took his hand, and held it tightly as he led him to the sofa where they both sat down. “It was a mistake, the wedding. We’re getting an annulment as soon as possible!” 

“What?” Tsukki stared at him in disbelief, shaking his head as if he didn’t hear him correctly. “What happened? What about Iwaizumi? You two were so happy and you look so great together. This doesn’t make sense.” 

“In a way, it does but believe me when I say it feels insane to me, too.” He ran his hand through his hair, scratching his neck as he tried to figure out the best way to explain himself. “Iwaizumi left me. He was already gone when I woke up this morning. He left a note that said that he isn’t ready to move on after Oikawa’s death and that he needs to deal with that. And that I haven’t moved on from you and that it’s not right for us to be together when we want to be with someone else,” he summed up the letter as well as he could. 

They sat in silence for a moment, Kuroo still holding Tsukki’s hand. Then, Tsukki smiled. 

“Oikawa was such a nuisance back in high school. There were times I thought I hated him, to be honest. But that all felt so silly after we left high school behind us. He and Hinata had become good friends. The couple of times I met him, we teased each other about the old rivalry.” He gave a quiet, sad laugh. “They were a great couple, weren’t they? I kinda thought, when I heard you and Iwaizumi were dating, you were perfect for each other, too. And he deserved you more than I did. But I also hated it, but…” 

He shrugged and let out a sigh. “I really wanted to be happy for you yesterday, you know. I really tried. I thought seeing you two being happy together would help me to finally give up on you and move on.” Tsukki looked at him with a pained expression. “But it didn’t. Instead, everything got worse and hurt so much more. He knew it, didn’t he? That’s why he left. It’s my fault, I ruined everything for you again.”

“Stop it, that’s not how it is and you know it!” Kuroo desperately wanted to pull him into another hug but they had to hash this out first, the faster, the better for all of them. So he squeezed Tsukki’s hand even tighter when he put the other on his face, forcing him to look him straight into the eyes. 

“We, you and I, ruined what we had, okay? We were both at fault. Yeah, maybe I was right and you were wrong about that particular argument that day, who cares! Yeah, you could have called me but so could I! You were old enough to call and apologize but I was also too old to cry ‘but he started it, mom!’ when I refused to do the same. I didn’t want to lose you but did nothing to stop it.”

“But you also shouldn’t have to pretend that I’m right when I’m not to save our relationship, and-” 

“Exactly,” Kuroo interrupted. “I shouldn’t have to do that and I should have told you so I should have called and said, listen, Tsukki, I love you, I want to be with you, please, let’s talk about what happened and figure out how we can do better.” 

“I should have done this,” Tsukki muttered. “But I was too proud and scared to admit I was at fault. I just hoped that you’d come back and we could pretend nothing happened and just be happy again.” 

“Sorry, what, scared?” Kuroo blinked a few times, confused. “That you’re too proud for your own good sometimes isn’t new but why the hell would you be scared?” 

“God, that’s really stupid,” Tsukki groaned, trying to turn away but Kuroo didn’t let him.

“I don’t care if it’s stupid. You know what’s stupid? That I was so desperate to numb the pain from losing you that I ignored the grief of a friend and convinced him to marry me, only to get drunk before the wedding vows, drool over my ex during the reception, fall into a coma on my wedding night and wake up to my soon to be ex-husband knocking some sense into me after he had left me. Because apparently, I was too dumb and stubborn to admit it to myself sooner. Hell, I had one job, ordering a wedding cake, and what did I do when I realized I had no idea what he liked? I ordered the first thing that came to my mind and didn’t even realize it was your favourite! That’s being stupid!” Kuroo couldn’t help but laugh but at the same time, he failed to hold back his own tears. He dried his face with his arm, taking a second to compose himself. 

“I really think we’re past worrying about our pride here, Kei. Why the hell would you of all people be scared of admitting to being wrong for once?”
Something in Tsukki’s face changed at the sound of his first name. He tried to put on an aloof, mocking expression, as he often did when he tried to distance himself from how he really felt but this time, he failed. He looked sad and, indeed, scared when he finally spoke. 

“Because of that. Because of it’s me of all people, as you said. I’m smart, I work hard, I did my best at volleyball and work, but even at my best, you could do so much better. Look at Iwaizumi! He’s handsome, much stronger than I am, travelled a lot, is popular with everyone. Even back in high school, he always had everything under control and was so much more disciplined than…than…” He waved at the chaos that covered the armchair. “Than THIS!”

“I’m confused,” Kuroo said plainly, trying to grasp what Tsukki was trying to tell him. “Iwaizumi and I were just acquaintances when you and I were still together, what has he to do with anything? Before the breakup, I mean?”

“It’s not just about Iwaizumi, Kuroo, it’s about everyone and you know it!”

“No, in fact, I don’t know it. I have no idea what you’re on about?!” 

Tsukki sighed and rolled his eyes in genuine exasperation.
“You have so many amazing friends. Bokuto and Akaashi, for example. Bokuto is strong, confident, social, successful. Akaashi maybe isn’t as social but he’s smart, athletic, and compared to me, much less of a, well…” 

“A what?”Kuroo asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Less of a bitch,” Tsukki stated, deadpan, and Kuroo couldn’t help but laugh.
“You can be a bit of a bitch but it’s not like I didn’t know that from the beginning. Actually,” he added with a grin, “I always liked that and it might or might not have played a role in why I fell in love with you.”

“Hinata also has a bit of a heated temper,” Tsukki continued, unfazed. “He’s strong and ambitious to the point of obsession, but also cheerful and a social butterfly. Then there’s Kenma, who knows you better than anyone, yourself included, and-”

“Yeah, we have great friends, all very lovely people,” Kuroo interrupted impatiently, “But can you get to the point? I’m not getting less confused.” 

“The point is, everything that isn’t completely worthless about me someone else has or can do better,” Tsukki said flatly, suddenly sounding deflated. “And they all have many more and better qualities than I have. And I knew I’d lose you if you realized how much better one of the others would be for you. That’s why you eventually got together with Iwaizmi, wasn’t it? He is tall, smart, but also social, and reasonable. And not a messy bitch who has to be told to go to bed early for once or to eat better. And he’s handsome.”

“You’re kidding me, aren’t you?”
“No.” Tsukki shook his head. “I was scared that if I admitted when I was in the wrong you’d see how much of a mess I actually am. And leave me and find someone better in no time.” 

Tsukki laughed bitterly. “Towards the end, it was like I just had to pretend hard enough that I never was wrong and never made mistakes to be flawless and perfect. Even when I knew that you knew when I was obviously in the wrong. And I knew I was acting like an asshole. But I couldn’t stop. And eventually, what I was scared of so much happened. You had enough and left and found someone so much better.” He squinted at Kuroo with an almost defiant expression. “I told you it’s stupid.” 

Kuroo had to let the words sink in for a moment. It didn’t make sense but in a weird way, it did. No, not really, but so many of their arguments, when he was at loss and didn’t understand why they were suddenly angry at each other or why Tsukki’s mood would so quickly change or why he jumped to strange conclusions, all that suddenly made sense.

“What I don’t understand,” he said slowly, “Why did you feel that way? You pretty much caught my attention the first time we met and I told you so.” More than once he had told him, simply because he loved to look back to how everything began between them. He didn’t lie when he said Tsukki’s ‘bitchy’ side was partly the reason why he fell for him.
Back during their first real training camp together, the snark and the eye-rolls from the tall, pretty middle-blocker stirred something in him and he wanted to drag him behind the gym, push him up the wall and fuck him. But when they actually practised together after the official training hours, Tsukki began to listen and learn from him. He had watched and followed Kuroo’s movements from the corner of his eye, and in those moments, the snarky attitude disappeared and revealed a much quieter, soft-spoken side. That was when Kuroo wanted to hold him and to never let go of him. And he had told him so, countless times. 

“I told you so,” he repeated weakly, afraid that he’d never find out what he should have done differently.
“Yes, you did, but the others-”
“Forget about the others! Yeah, they’re all great friends with great qualities and I won’t pretend that I don’t like them. 

But why the hell do you think they’re all so much better than you? And even if they were - and they aren’t - why would that even matter? I didn’t make a chart to determine who is the best and fell in love with the highest score. I don’t need you to be social, I have friends for that. You were smart and driven enough to handle two career paths. And I’m still heartbroken you quit volleyball, by the way, but we’ll talk about that another time. I love that you’re a sassy bitch sometimes,” he quickly continued before Tsukki could say anything. “I don’t want someone who always agrees to everything I say and do, I don’t need a meek follower without a thought of his own. I don’t care that you’re the weirdest mix of obsessively tidy and complete mess. It’s endearing. And I never minded reminding you to eat better and to get enough sleep,” he added with a gentle smile.

“Oh, yeah? Because I doubt Iwaizumi was the kind of irresponsible nuisance you had to carry to bed in the middle of the night because he fell asleep in front of his laptop..”

“Listen, I loved doing that. You’re adorable when you mumble in your sleep and I felt like a damn hero when I finally got you into our bed and you snuggled against me!” Kuroo had missed those little things so much. He had tried once to remind Iwaizumi of eating healthier. There wasn’t even a reason, he was just so used to it. Iwaizumi had laughed at him and reminded him that being a health nut was a part of his job description and told him not to worry. Telling himself that this was so much better than cooking for his boyfriend or listening to his muttered ‘I love you’ while he carried him to bed had become his mantra from then on. The less of his new life was like his life with Tsukki, the better. God, he had been an idiot. 

“I never thought you were a nuisance,” Kuroo said. “And I’m getting worried that I did or said something that makes you think about yourself like this. Because I can assure you, it’s not what I think when I look at you.” He softly smiled at him, brushing the hair out of Tsukki’s face with his fingers. “You are my first true love and the love of my life but I was convinced that you were sick of me. And now you tell me you were so scared to lose me that you couldn’t stop pushing me away. What happened, Kei? What have I done to make you feel like you’re not good enough for me?”

“Nothing.” Tsukki put his hand on Kuroo’s, stopping it from playing with his hair. “You were perfect, I was happy with you. I know I can be difficult. I was working through a pile of research one day and couldn’t find what I was looking for. I was getting moody and didn’t know how to snap out of it before you got home, and feared that I’d ruin the evening and you’d be nothing but sweet and understanding and do your best to help me and cheer me up. Then the thought that I didn’t deserve a partner like you was just there. I tried to ignore it didn’t go away and got worse.” 

“Fuck, Kei.” Kuroo didn’t dare to ask when it started. Research phases had always been intense for Tsukki, who only knew two settings - perfection or not trying at all. It used to be limited to work and sports, though, but apparently, it began to bleed into other aspects of his life at some point.

“Why didn’t you talk to me? I’d have told you that you don’t have to worry!”
“I wanted to! But whenever I tried, I suddenly was convinced that telling you would prove me right and that it’d be the last straw and you’d finally realize that I really didn’t deserve you and you’d leave. I’m sorry.” Tsukki wiped his eyes when the tears came. “I told you it’s all my fault.” 

“And I told you that I should have been an adult and come back to you to talk about what was going on. Fuck!” Kuroo hissed. What he had just heard showed the argument that ended in their breakup in a different light. 

“That I stayed away proved to you that your assumption was right, didn’t it? And if I had done the first step to making up despite obviously being in the right, you’d have seen that I wanted to be with you even when you fucked up. And I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore and that you didn’t apologize because you wanted me to stay away.” He leaned forward and put his head on Tsukki’s shoulder. “Why was I so stubborn and proud? One call. One small attempt at fixing things could have saved all of us so much pain.” 

“It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not about whose fault it was, Kei, it’s about me wanting to be with you so badly back then that I couldn’t bear the thought of you telling me to fuck off for good if I begged you to try and talk things out.” 

Kuroo sat up again and took Tsukki’s face between his hands.

“Let me tell you how it is. I did not want to break up. There was not one single moment when I didn’t want to be with you while we were together. Even when we argued or when you were stressed or needed my help. You were not a nuisance and I didn’t wish to be with somebody else.
I made a horrible mistake when I asked another man to marry me just because I thought it would help to keep my love for you away. It was selfish and cruel towards Iwaizumi and you. I also dragged our friends into it and refused to listen to them. I owe many people more than one apology. Some will be pissed at me and that’s fair. I’ll deal with it when the time comes. But most importantly, I want to be with you, Kei. Even if only as a friend. I want to help you through the shit that happened and I’ll do whatever I can to make you let go of this idea that you aren’t good enough. Because you are.” His hand wiped a tear from Tsukki’s face. “Look, even right now, when you cry, look like you slept in your clothes on the carpet, and smell like you’ve robbed a winery, you look so damn beautiful and I want to do everything I can to make you smile again.” 

“God, you still are the same smooth-talking idiot I fell in love with as a stupid high schooler.” Tsukki laughed quietly and leaned his head against Kuroo’s palm, closing his eyes. “Do you think we can be together again?” he asked hesitantly. 

“We can if you want to.”
“But what if I…do it again? If the thoughts don’t go away?” Tsukki opened his eyes. “I didn’t want them the last time. What if I make more mistakes and you notice and-”
“We’ll figure it out,” Kuroo interrupted, growing a little worried. Whatever fixation about perfection had gotten Tsukki into a chokehold, it hadn’t disappeared with their breakup, he realized that now, as well as this wasn’t something he could solve with cuddles, meals, and pep talks. 

“I think we should talk with someone. Don’t look at me like that,” he quickly said when Tsukki gave him a horrified look, not that he didn’t understand it. It was, unfortunately, still a widely spread idea that seeking help from outside was a sign of weakness or being crazy. “People don’t talk much about it but it’s actually not that unusual among professional athletes, did you know that? The pressure, physical strain, travelling, long-distance relationships, long absences from spouses and children, injuries, ageing out of your discipline, many get stressed and overwhelmed by all this. Talking to a neutral professional has saved many from early burnout.” Of course, he couldn’t share names with Tsukki right then and there. But he had especially one friend in mind who he’d ask to share his experience with counselling with Tsukki. If any of his friends still talked with him after Kuroo confessed to being an idiot and about the abrupt end of his marriage to them. 

“If I agree to this, will you take me back?” Tsukki asked sceptically but there was also a hint of hope in his voice that warmed Kuroo’s heart. 

“Kei, I’ll take you back even if you don’t agree. I’d go on my knees and beg you to give us another chance if I had to. But I really want to do everything to make it work this time and I’m just not sure I can do it alone.” 

For the first time, Tsukki smiled at him without a hint of bitterness or pain.

“I know you’re right and I’ll do my part to make it work, no matter how difficult. I owe that to you and also…” His smile saddened when he paused. “I have to apologize to Iwaizumi. I think you were right, when you said it doesn’t really matter whose fault it all is or who started it. In the end, we hurt not just each other but also our friends. We somehow have to fix it.” 

“We will.” Kuroo leaned closer. “Together.” Feeling Tsukki’s lips against his was the comfort of coming home and it was the thrill of kissing his first love all over again. Kissing Iwaizumi had been good but Tsukki was right where he wanted to be. 

“Wait, Kuroo, stop!” Tsukki pulled away when Kuroo tried to deepen the kiss. He was afraid for a second but then he noticed Tsukki’s flustered face and smiled. That really was like their first kiss. 

“I drank too much last night and I did fall asleep on the carpet,” Tsukki said, too embarrassed to look at him. “It’s not like I don’t want to kiss you but I’m too disgusting like this.” 

“Not that I mind,” Kuroo said with a stupidly happy smirk, “But if that’s how you feel I guess it can’t be helped.” He stood up and before Tsukki could say something, Kuroo got a good hold of him and lifted him up. 

“Stop! Kuroo! I’m taller than you, you can’t just carry me around like this!” he protested but Kuroo just laughed.
“That didn’t stop me in the past and honestly, I could swear you got even lighter since.” He squinted at Tsukki, who scowled back at him. 

“You haven’t eaten well in a while, have you?”
“Well enough.”
“Liar. So, here’s the plan. Bath, bed, ordering food. Until we can’t move anymore. Whether that’s from the bed or food part we can decide spontaneously.” 

“I’m not going to sleep with a married man!” Tsukki lightly punched his chest. “I’m serious! Even if you say you’re going to get an annulment and that Iwaizumi doesn’t want to be with you. 

That’s… It’s just not right.”
“Hm, fair.” He was a little disappointed but understood. The thought didn’t feel any more like cheating under these circumstances than the kiss they just shared did but waiting until he was officially free again was a matter of respect. 

Especially since his friend couldn’t go back to the one he truly loved.
“New plan: bath, TV on couch, ordering food.” He laughed. “That almost feels like we’re dating again.” 

“You know,” Tsukki shifted his weight and wrapped his legs around Kuroo’s waist and his arms around his neck. “Maybe that’s not the worst idea. Dating. A new start and rebuild from there, instead of from where we stopped.” 

“Like, having coffee at a café together, going to the movies, shy kisses and nervously making out in the dark? Sounds great to me!” 

He nuzzled his face against Tsukki’s throat and whispered, “I’ll make you fall in love with me all over again.”

“And I’ll do everything I can to not be scared of loving you.” Tsukki buried his face in Kuroo’s hair and his legs tightened around him. 

“Promised?”
“Promised.” 

“Okay, the final plan: You take a bath, then food, TV, and after you fulfilled your promise, we get married.”
“I don’t marry married men,” Tsukki said dryly and slipped from Kuroo’s grip. “Also, just so you know, I don’t want strawberry shortcake at my wedding. Or ever again.”