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Clark flew into the Watchtower meeting room with all of the founding members of the League present except for Batman, he was dealing with a gang war and a breakout from Arkham.
“Clark, why did you call us all here?” Diana asked, “You said it wasn’t an emergency, but we should all come?”
Clark nodded, looking a little nervous, “I got an email from Oracle to watch a specific episode of that one baking show? Nailed It? With the entire League, but not Batman. And, there’s no way I’m not listening to her. Last time I didn’t do something she asked, she messed with my phone and made every single thermostat increase or decrease in temperature whenever I entered the room.”
Hal snickered, “Wait, so one of the Bats is telling us to watch something without Batman? It must be really embarrassing for him. Remember the time Nightwing sent us that video?”
Diana’s eyes glinted mischievously, “Play it Clark.”
Clark looked around at the assembled Leaguers. J’onn looked a little intrigued but unbothered. Barry looked nervous, but mostly excited. Oliver was just grinning madly. Clark turned the screen to Netflix and picked the episode that Oracle had specified. It was called SuperHeroes or Super Zeroes? It opened with Nicole Byer’s typical speech, but the League sat up to attention when she said that they had a celebrity guest.
Barry gasped, “You don’t think one of the Bats showed up in full costume do you?”
Oliver snorted, “If that’s why Oracle wanted us to watch it, my moneys on Nightwing.” The rest of the League murmured in agreement as Nicole introduced the two competitors and—
The entire League sat up and stared at the screen understanding why Oracle had made them watch this.
“Holy shit.” Hal exclaimed as Barry, Oliver and Diana dissolved into giggles.
On the screen, stood Bruce Wayne, a.k.a. the fucking Batman in an apron. He was giving his introductory speech from a home video that is currently showing little Bruce wearing a chef’s hat and holding a rolling pin while Alfred is standing next to him, showing him how to mix something in a bowl.
“I always wanted to cook like my father and I wanted to demonstrate my ability—”
“You,” A voice that the Leaguers identified as Red Hood as the curse was bleeped out, “liar! Tell the audience the truth!”
Bruce sighed, “I lost a bet made by one of my children. Apparently, they think I’m so bad at cooking, I’m going to lose both challenges.”
The video cuts to Bruce standing in front of the stove frantically staring at a pot that is on fire his kids, that League identify as Dick, Tim, and Damian are wheezing. While this is happening, Alfred is staring at Bruce in horror and scolding him. The audience is allowed to hear a brief moment of this disaster.
“Master Bruce, would you like to inform me how you managed to start a fire, when all that should have been in that pot is water?!”
Nicole is snickering as they come back to the studio.
Clark has to pause the episode because all of the League is laughing too hard to hear anything that is going on in the episode. It is resumed when everyone has a hold on themselves.
“So our first challenge is baker’s choice, the theme of the day is,” Nicole pauses as the doors to the cabinet open and reveal three superhero themed cake pops, “That’s right! You guys get to choose between Wonderwoman, Superman, and Green Lantern!”
Because the League knew Bruce, they could see the vein pulsing in his brow. The expression on his face also matched the several times when his kids did something stupid, like he was wondering if he could return them.
“Well, Bruce, since you’re the billionaire, you don’t mind going last, do you?” Nicole asked.
Bruce flashed a paparazzi smile, “Of course not Nicole.”
Clark heard Barry mutter, “Oh, no.”
Barry was right to be worried.
Bruce got stuck with the last choice which was Green Lantern. Hal took offence to that.
“Why did I get picked last?” Hal complained watching Bruce had a pained look on his face as he accepted the cake pop, “I mean I get Diana’s getting picked first, but I’m cooler than Clark.”
Barry snorted at that and Hal was going to argue, but Diana shushed them so they could watch Bruce struggle.
And he struggled a lot. Most of the comments that Nicole and Jacque made were about how Bruce was doing something wrong, even though he was following the recipe to the letter.
“Nicole, how is doing so badly?” Jacque asked, with his token French accent, “It’s not like he’s ignoring the recipe. We’ve seen people guess measurements before, Bruce is doing everything right, but it’s just not working.” Nicole shrugged, “Maybe it’s some kind of curse that only rich people from Gotham have.”
As Nicole called times up, Bruce had a defeated look on his face as he slid the partition up. He was the last contestant and as he let the partition slide down the League cracked up once again.
“Nailed It!” Bruce said somehow with some dignity, because what was on his plate was literal green cake dough on a stick that looked like goo.
Nicole and Jacque burst into laughter.
Nicole was crying before she managed to calm down. “Bruce,” She asked with an incredulous look on her face, “What is that?”
“It’s a Green Lantern cake pop.” Bruce said as if it was obvious as a smile spread across his face, “I think it looks a lot like him. It really captures his essence, huh?”
The League shot Hal a look. He was glaring at the screen with a sour face. Honestly, trying not to laugh at Hal’s face was harder than going up against Blockbuster after being dosed with kryptonite in Clark’s opinion. Jacque and Nicole gagged on Bruce’s green cake goop and he lost that round.
“Okay, so the next round it Nail it or Fail it! And this is what you’re making!” Nicole announces as the next door swings open to reveal an enormous cake that looks like a skyline with tiny figures on the building, “That’s right! In honor of Bruce here, you’ll be making this Batfamily cake! It features all of the known vigilantes of Gotham! From the daylight vigilante Signal and violent anti-hero Red Hood to Batman himself!”
There was a cut to a confessional video of Bruce who was rubbing his face in his hands. “I regret….so much.” Bruce said, leaning back in his chair, “I wouldn’t be here right now if I hadn’t called my kid’s bluff. At this point, I don’t even remember who originally made the bet. I think it was Jason.”
There was a shift behind the camera and something must have clicked as Bruce’s eyes closed and he sighed and added.
“And no, he’s not dead. We just thought that because he was kidnapped by Damian’s mother for a while.“ The video cut back to Bruce struggling with the cake.
He was counting every single vigilante, clearly not wanting to forget any of them. He was muttering something under his breath, and since Clark could read lips he could clearly see Bruce mouthing, ‘Why did I adopt so many kids? Maybe they’re right. Maybe I do have a problem. I have to get all of them, or they will never let me live it down.’
Clark relayed this to the rest of the League and no one stopped snickering as Bruce struggled with the cake. When Bruce revealed his finished product, the cake wasn’t great, but the figurines were excellent.
“These are very nice Bruce!” Nicole said examining the cake from all angles, “You got the details down very well. But I have to ask…..where’s Batman?”
Bruce stared at the cake, inhaled and let out a very long curse that was bleeped out for almost a minute.
The League couldn’t finish the episode because no one could calm down after that. The next Justice League meeting was a little tense, because Hal wouldn’t stop glaring at Bruce. Bruce didn’t ask why Hal was glaring, he just glared right back as the rest of the League snickered at the pair of them.
