Work Text:
TW // sort of detailed self-harm
It was okay, right?
The scars weren’t too deep, a bit red from the small blood coming from them, sure, but it was okay.
They weren’t deep at all, it was okay.
It was okay, right?
Right?
No.
No, it wasn’t.
Relapses were such a pain to her.
But after trying so hard not to have one, she just really couldn’t stop herself from picking up the damn blade and ruining her skin again, and her clean streak along with it.
Choked and stifled sobs were coming from her—she hated herself for this, she really did. But she kept the blade going anyway.
And she did this until the urge was gone. She did this until she stared at her arm in disgust from what she did—from what she does—to herself. And eventually, sobs were continuously raking from her body as she squinted her eyes hard every once in a while, while doing so.
But whatever, it didn’t matter.
After all, even if she died one day, the world would still turn. Birds would still sing on trees and on wires. Generations and generations would continue live on, and the people she cares so much about would live better lives.
Lives where they didn’t have to carry the burden that was her.
Right?
That was what she liked to think, anyway.
So, whatever.
It didn’t matter.
That was what she concluded before her cries died down to a silence; and her body laid on her bed, almost perfectly still and asleep.
--
“—uman.” The familiar voice alarmed the girl’s now half-awake state.
She blinked for a moment, trying to regain full awareness of her surroundings (the figure towering over her included) and adjust to the light above her.
“Xiao?” She gasped slightly, earning a look from the adeptus that she couldn’t decipher.
“Who did this to you?” He asked sternly, eyes shifting to her arm.
“What-”
“Who, or what, gave you these cuts and why haven’t you tended to them?”
The girl was taken aback. How was she supposed to tell Xiao, of all people, that it was she herself who gave her the cuts on her arm? And why was he so concerned in the first place?
“…It was nothing, just a stray cat who I unfortunately managed to piss off…somehow.” She said while sitting up, hoping he would fall for that excuse.
But the yaksha only scoffed slightly. Xiao replied to her with a “Tsk, why do you find the need to lie?” only to get a “Why do you find the need to get a different answer?” back.
He sent a glare to the girl who was now well seated against the bedrest behind her.
But meanwhile, she was internally panicking and trying to hide the cuts from his view. She knew that Xiao could be stern whenever he wanted to be, and from the way he was crossing his arms at her, she was sure that he wasn’t going to be giving up the question of who gave her the cuts anytime soon.
However, she thought wrong. The adeptus sighed and, instead, kneeled to her level and asked if he could at least tend to her arm—to which she obliged.
There was a silent tension between the two; and it only grew as he continued to bandage the poor girl’s arm. “You must take better care of yourself,” He told her, breaking said silence. “I may always come whenever you call out my name…but you have to be prepared for the day I won’t.”
“What do you mean?” She asked.
“…You know what I mean.” He answered.
Another pause of silence as he finished up with her arm.
“There,” He said. “Now, will you finally tell me how these cuts got here?” Xiao asked her for the third time that night, but only got silence as an answer.
“You humans really are stubborn.” He sighed, right before finally getting a response.
“It was me.“ She swallowed.
“…What?”
“It was me. The cuts- It was me who gave them…to myself.”
Despite trying to hide her face away from him because of the shame she felt, she could feel his gaze boring into her. And being so emotional, she couldn’t help but let a couple of cries come out from her mouth. “I’m so sorry, Xiao.” She spoke in disappointment with herself. How would he think of her now?
“Look at me,” But Xiao only reached out to lift her head up at him; even though he told her to do so already. “You have no reason to apologize…alright?”
The girl leaned into his hand, still crying.
“I am aware of what you are thinking,” He said to her. “And I have no reason to be disappointed in you, traveler. You are strong, aren’t you?”
“What kind of ‘strong’ person would do this to themselves, Xiao.” She told him, laughing slightly at his words yet still crying. “Why are you even by my side when I’m this weak?”
Xiao sighed once more and wiped her tears, even though they still kept going anyway.
“The contract that I once agreed on told me to guard Liyue and its people,” Xiao started. “But if a day comes where even you are taken by the darkness…it will be up to me.”
Finally, the girl was willing to make eye contact with the adeptus.
“At any rate, it would be fair to do so, wouldn’t it?” He continued. “Although the ‘darkness’ I myself have to bear is quite different from the ‘darkness’ you have to bear now, I too have been swallowed by it long ago—and yet you still dare to drive me on.”
The fragile girl paused for a bit before laughing slightly again.
“What did I ever do to deserve you caring for me, Xiao?” She spoke gently.
“…I could ask you the same thing, traveler.” He replied, trying not to make his smile so obvious (although failing in the end to do so).
<3
written: dec. 2021