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There seemed to be a maze of concerns hidden in Heeseung’s eyes.
He kept his head hung low, breathing in a rugged manner. His focus was not on the scenery surrounding them, but instead the thoughts clustered in his head that had been shaking him for days now. He’s sat on the lush grass that’s cool to the touch. The wind up on the hills was stronger than ever, roughing up his hair.
The sound of the windmills nearby doesn’t bother him—heck, he doesn’t even realize it’s there. He’s picking at the tiny budding flowers beneath him, the hues of pink and blue looking pretty on his fingertips. As he touches each petal, they’re crushed in between his fingers. The pretty flowers are no longer what they used to be, instead wilting in Heeseung’s hold with its stem left. The crushed and torn petals fall to his feet and they resemble whatever is going on in his mind.
It’s messy. His thoughts overlap each other, and he can’t calm down.
The sun is tucked behind thick clouds, not helping Heeseung shield himself from the harsh winds. The thin cardigan he wore seemed like a mere sheet of paper was draped over him. He could barely feel anything aside from goosebumps forming on his arms as the cold was starting to numb his still limbs. He felt the chilling ache all the way to his bones and any minute now he knew he was gonna give.
“Hey, you okay, love?” His soft voice which Heeseung had found solace in. Laced with love and utter care, Jaeyun speaks to him out of concern. He reaches for Heeseung’s hand and intertwines their fingers together. They’ve done it countless times. It was an unbreakable habit Jaeyun had, finding comfort in holding his lover’s hand and stroking the back of his palm with his thumb.
Cold. Heeseung’s hand is oddly cold. Not the type of cold he was expecting from the gushing winds that accompanied them, but ice cold that can’t be done through weather. He hisses in pain as the warmth of his own hand tries to calm the sudden surge of coolness. That’s when Heeseung looks up at him with a blank stare, eyes devoid of emotion, lips unmoving. He looks down at their intertwined fingers, noticing how warm Jaeyun’s hand looks compared to his overly pale limp hand.
Heeseung tugged his hand away from Jaeyun’s hold and crossed his arms against his chest. He spared not a glance back at Jaeyun after that, continuing to play with the miserable flowers he saw. The latter was confused. He thought maybe his hand was too warm or maybe it was sweaty. And so with another go, Jaeyun tries to reach for Heeseung’s hand again, but this time, Heeseung scoots away with a shaky sigh. He shakes his head in disapproval and Jaeyun takes a hint, moving his arm away from the boy.
He thinks they’ve been sitting here sightseeing for around twenty minutes now, yet Heeseung hasn’t spoken a word to him. He thought nothing weird of the sudden invitation to go out with his boyfriend, but seeing him act all quiet, seemingly drained of all warmth and color in his body made him concerned. Especially because Heeseung hadn’t said anything about feeling bad to him.
“Heeseung, love?”
It went in one ear and came out the other. For some reason, Heeseung couldn’t focus on Jaeyun. If he caught Jaeyun looking at him, it felt like his gaze was burning through, and Heeseung just couldn’t compete.
“Love.” He calls again, this time with a firmer tone that demanded Heeseung to look at him. He tries. He tries to look straight into Jaeyun’s eyes, but his gaze was fiery, his stare was intense, and Heeseung was weak. His stare fall onto Jaeyun’s hands instead. The boy sighs as he watches Heeseung’s poor attempt at eye contact, which he never experienced before.
He scoffs in disbelief. Not once has this happened, and yet now it feels like Heeseung is crumbling in front of him with no apt excuse. “What’s up with you?” His tone–-evidently pissed off, was way higher than usual. Heeseung takes in a shaky breath, pollen filling up his lungs.
“Jake.”
His brows knit together at the sudden call of his name. No, more like Heeseung calling him by the name everyone uses. He looks away, thinking that maybe once he does, his lover would spare him a glance for once, since they got here. Confusion, utter confusion is the only thing in his mind. The puzzle was missing every single crucial piece and he was about to burst into tears trying to solve it.
“Remember when we went to Paris?” Jaeyun smiles at that. The city of love was a dream destination for every couple they knew. And when Heeseung offered to take them there for their second anniversary, he couldn’t say no. Paris, the city that comes alive in the darkest of nights. Paris that is lit up with yellow lights, chatter from all corners, and warm street food to beat the chilly Western wind. Paris, wherein Jaeyun had his first Europe trip with the love of his life. The very place where Jaeyun fell even deeper in love.
“Of course I do.” A sweet chuckle, just as sweet as the chocolate he had back then.
Heeseung nods, looking up to the gloomy sky. “Do you remember when we danced on the balcony?”
Oh, a fond memory. Their first night in Paris was shared with classic red wine, cheese boards, giggles, and a dance. With the balcony door open, Heeseung pushed past the curtain, offering his lover his hand. Jaeyun took it–no hesitations, and they watched as the moon glowed that night. A busker was on the street, playing a slow song that pulled the two closer and closer together. As the man glides his bow against the violin strings, Jaeyun is pulled from his seat into Heeseung’s arms.
He chuckles and realizes that they were going to dance. He leans a bit closer, taking in his lover’s perfume, and wrapping his arms around his neck. Heeseung places his hands on Jaeyun’s waist, caressing him softly. Under the moonlit night, while the seemingly never-ending song played, Heeseung twirled his lover around, pulling him back into his arms and kissed his cheek. “I love you, my Jaeyun. Loving isn’t the same without you.”
And with that, Jaeyun melts into his hold and can’t hold back his growing smile. Just as where he’s seated in the present, the boy can’t help but hold back a grin while reminiscing the best days of his life. The cuddles, the kisses, the chocolates, the scenery. Though no one could beat Heeseung for his love, Paris sure came close.
“It was the best.” A breathy remark as he looks at the grass, wishing they were back there on that balcony. “You miss it?” Heeseung asks. Jaeyun nods. More than anything, he’d trade a year’s worth of paychecks, his phone, his job, just to go back to Paris with his lover. Maybe then he’d understand why Heeseung was acting like this.
Maybe in Paris, Heeseung would look at him the way he used to.
“I fucking hated Paris, Jake.” Heeseung says through gritted teeth.
It’s suddenly silent. The wind has long stopped howling and the sound of the mills could no longer be heard. Heeseung finally gets the courage to look at his lover, who’s staring at him with teary eyes. It pains him. Jaeyun looks like he’s about to break any minute now and Heeseung regrets speaking all of a sudden.
Jaeyun looks into Heeseung’s eyes, trying to search for any signs of uncertainty or deceit. He lets a tear slip out of eyes when he realizes Heeseung finally got the courage to look at him; only after delivering that low blow.
He tries to wipe the tears off his face but it’s no use when he starts to hiccup and choke on his tears. “Why?” He mumbles. Heeseung isn’t sure if the question is rhetorical.
“Something changed, Jake. I–I don’t know why.”
Jaeyun wishes that he were straightforward. His head is spinning, spinning from every possible outcome of this conversation. He’s overthinking every single word that Heeseung speaks and his heart is beating out of his chest. A shaky hand pushes back his messy hair. He can’t feel himself anymore.
“That night was numbing, Jake. I never said a thing because you were so in love.” Maybe Heeseung had no idea what he was saying. He was out of his mind, Jaeyun thought.
“Finish your sentences, Lee Heeseung. You can’t just have me overthinking this whole situation becau–”
“In Paris, I realized I didn’t love you anymore, Jaeyun.”
Those words went straight to his chest. Jaeyun’s ears are ringing and he starts seeing the tall windmills through his blurry vision. He lets out a bitter chuckle as his tears flow continuously. Jaeyun thought he was going insane.
Heeseung glances over at him with hooded eyes. His lover was miserable, his own cardigan wet with tears. He hated to be the person to break Jaeyun’s heart, but after letting out a weight he’d been holding in for so long, there was nothing holding him back anymore.
“I felt nothing when we danced on the balcony. The whole trip was a blur.” The remainder of Heeseung’s conscience was pained. Pained when he listened to Jaeyun’s neverending sobs, clutching onto his shirt to try and ground himself. “I’m sorry, Jake. I called you here to tell you.” It was a sad excuse of an apology to try and quiet down Jaeyun’s weeping, to no avail.
“Heeseung, Paris was two years ago.”
Heeseung nods, and it pains Jaeyun even more. It’s mind-boggling to think that Heeseung had fallen out of love for two years already. “So you mean to tell me, every moment, every date, every hug you gave me was fake?” He’s in complete disbelief. “Wake me up if this is some stupid nightmare because this isn’t funny, love.”
“Jake, I’m serious.”
“So for the past two years, it wasn’t me anymore?” Jaeyun thought it was a dumb question to ask until he looked at Heeseung, who was staring at him with his doe-like eyes. Pity, all over his face. He pitied Jaeyun, but he didn’t sympathize. “Jake, it’s not like that. I love you, I really do.” He tries to hold onto Jaeyun’s hand, but he jolts at Heeseung’s sudden movement towards him. The older boy feels just a little bit worse than he already does, giving a sorry look to the younger.
“I just couldn’t feel you anymore, Jake. I can’t feel you even now. I think we should just stay friends.”
Friends. Demoting a long-time relationship to friends. How pathetic would Jaeyun feel? He didn’t want to crawl to Heeseung’s feet for the attention he longed to receive.
“Goddamn it, Heeseung. Why would you tell me two years later? Why prolong your pain?”
Heeseung realizes how stupid he is. Until this moment, Jaeyun chooses to understand his feelings, when he won’t even bother caring for the younger’s. He was always Jaeyun’s priority, yet Heeseung was blinded by his lack of love. “Maybe because I didn’t wanna hurt you, Jake. You were so happy that I never found the time to say it.” It’s true. As heartless as Heeseung seemed in that moment, he found it difficult to muster the courage to call Jaeyun to this very spot.
“I love you, Heeseung.”
For better or for worse, the words fall out of his mouth. Jaeyun’s chest is tightening and Heeseung reaches for his hand, intertwining their fingers for what he thinks will be the last time. Jaeyun holds on to his hand, so tightly. His fingers are shaking, but with the remaining strength he had, he caresses Heeseung’s hand in his hold.
“I’m sorry, Jaeyun.”
He slowly lets go of the boy’s hand, standing up. He leans down to where Jaeyun is still seated and lifts his chin up with his finger. The tears on his face are drying, yet those in his eyes are still threatening to fall. He leans and places a chaste kiss on Jaeyun’s forehead.
Taking the freshly plucked flower in his hand, he tucks it behind Jaeyun’s ear where it flushes naturally with his hair. “Beautiful, you’re always beautiful, my Jaeyun.” He whispers, a sad smile painted on his face. The younger boy thinks he’s melting, from both fatigue and awe.
“I’m still your friend, Jake. Still here.”
That’s the last Jaeyun hears of him before he walks away. He walks down the hill and leaves Jaeyun sitting alone. The greenery around him doesn’t supply him with enough oxygen to take in and he feels lightheaded. He can’t wrap his head around Heeseung's actions. Why be sorry when he knew he caused his pain in the first place? Why leave a tender kiss on his forehead before turning his back on him? It was not the right time to understand.
“I love you, Heeseung.” He chants it over and over again, like a broken record. The daze he’s in can’t be disturbed by the sudden gush of wind that passes by.
That is until he realizes, that gush of wind took away the flower tucked behind his ear.