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Chapter Text

  Jared woke to the sound of beeping monitors and his head feeling heavy, like it was stuffed full of wet cotton. There was something fitted over his nose and mouth, and when he opened his eyes, everything was white.

  Except the face that suddenly came into view. It was blurry, but Jared could make out two very important details- first, the deep concern etched into every crease despite the hesitant smile; and second, it was completely unfamiliar and not the face Jared wanted to see.

  “Hey, Jay,” the stranger whispered, leaning to the side to press something. 

  Jared felt the confusion on his own face. “Steph-” He tried to say, but it was muffled, the word barely making it past his lips. “Stephen.”

  But the stranger seemed to understand, because he looked like someone had slapped him, smile dropping like a stone.

  The door opened; more strangers, dressed in white, rushed in, surrounding Jared. He lost consciousness before he had a chance to panic.

  The second time he woke, his head was clearer. It was easy to recognize he was in a hospital.

  There was a woman with  brightly colored hair- a doctor- smiling down at him. “Good morning,” she greeted him, holding a clipboard to her chest. “I’m Dr Rhodes. How are you feeling?”

  “Like shit,” Jared answered flatly. “What happened to me?” Try as he might, he couldn’t recall why he might end up in hospital with a bandage wrapped around his head. So he moved on to a more important question. “Where’s Stephen?”

  “You were in an accident,” she answered promptly.

  “Why can’t I remember?”

  “That’s common,” the doctor assured. “Most head trauma victims have a few missing minutes from their memories up to the incident.”

  Even as he nodded along, something twinged in Jared’s mind- something that unsettled him.

  “However, until we ascertain how much mental damage you’ve sustained, I’m afraid I can’t answer most of your questions,” she went on. “To avoid stress.”

  “Where’s Stephen?” Jared asked again.

  “Not injured,” she told him.

  Jared relaxed a little.

  “Now, I have some questions for you.” Dr Rhodes looked down at her clipboard. “Ready? What’s your full name?”

  “Jared Pada- Jared Tristan Padalecki.”

  “Family?”

  “Parents are Gerald and Sherri. I have an older brother, Jeff, and a younger sister, Meghan.”

  “Place of residence?”

  “Los Angeles. Brought up in Texas, though.”

  The doctor paused, a tiny frown marring her features before smoothing out. “Age?”

  “31.”

  This time, she sighed. “Mr Padalecki, what year is it?”

  Jared hated the way his stomach sank. “2015,” he whispered, but he already knew he was wrong.

  “Alright,” Dr Rhodes said softly. “I’m going to give you a sedative.”

  He didn’t bother protesting. She pushed a needle into the crook of his elbow and his eyes started drooping. He turned his head to watch her leave anyway and just before the door closed behind her, he caught a single glimpse of a tall, unfamiliar man in a dark jacket standing to greet her.

  When he woke up the next time, the doctor was present again. But so was Stephen.

  Jared couldn’t stop the choked breath that escaped him. Free of monitors and IVs, he reached forward, snagging the lapel of an expensive, but rumpled, suit. “Stephen,” he whispered. “You’re alright, you're okay, you’re okay.” Rhodes had told him so, but somehow, Jared hadn’t quite believed it until now.

  Stephen Amell was a handsome man, with a kind face and honest eyes, all accompanied with an air of confident assurance that Jared was weak to.

  Right now, though, he seemed nervous, jittery, his smile uncertain. “I’m fine,” he said. “You’re the one in the hospital, babe." He stuttered over the endearment.

  But Jared was too busy staring at him. Stephen was only about a year older than him. But right now, he looked…

  Slowly, Jared turned to the doctor. “How much time am I missing?” He asked cautiously, nausea crawling up his throat.

  “Before we get to that, there is someone else you need to meet,” Dr Rhodes said. Walking over to the door, she pulled it open.

  The man who walked in was shorter than Jared, but with a quiet presence that seemed to fill the room. And he was gorgeous, Jared had to admit, with strong, chiseled features offset by a lush mouth that women would kill for.

  Then he smiled at Jared- small, timid- and recognition hit.

  “I know you!”

  Someone drew a sharp breath. Jared didn’t check who, because the stranger’s whole face lit up for a second, so bright and hopeful, that Jared hated having to say his next words.

  “You were here when I first woke up,” he finished.

  The man drew into himself. “Yeah, I was,” he affirmed. “My name is Jensen. Jensen Ackles?”

  The name inspired no familiarity. “Are you… Were you involved with my… The accident?” Jared asked carefully.

  Jensen winced. “No. No, I’m just the first person they called, since… You have my name down as emergency contact.”

  Jared blinked. “I… Why? Why not you?” He directed this to Stephen, before turning back. The fear returned, making his throat dry. “Who are you?” He asked.

  Stephen tensed, ever so slightly.

  Jensen took a deep breath. “I’m your best friend.” 

  He didn’t seem to be lying, but Jared couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something not quite right in that short explanation.

  “How much time am I missing, Doc?” He repeated his question.

  The lady sighed. “Six years.”

  The world rolled into a spin, Jared’s vision blurring as he tried to breathe. Six years. Over a decade. Six years of his life just… Gone. Who was he now? Where was his family?

  “Jared, please, calm down,-”

  “Jay, hey, take a deep breath-”

  “Jared, you need to-”

  Jared tried to respond, tried to say something, but…

  “He’s going to hyperventilate, get me a-”

  “Jared, it’s okay, just-”

  A pair of hands cupped his face. The shock of warm, smooth skin made Jared gasp. His eyes flew open to meet a beautiful pair of green ones and he drew in a slow breath.

  “That’s it,” Jensen Ackles muttered, grabbing one of Jared’s hands and holding it to his sternum. “Breathe, Jay. You’re alright.”

  Jared stilled, trying to match the exaggerated motion of the strong chest under his hand. Something settled in him, the dull thud of Jensen’s heart bleeding through his palm to the rest of him.

  Jensen held on to him for a couple more seconds, gaze keen like he was searching for something. When he retreated, it was slow and with averted eyes.

  Jared shook his head, trying to make sense of what had just happened. “Sorry,” he mumbled, clearing his throat. “So, uhm… Six years?”

  “Yes.” The doctor nodded. “Your life has undergone changes since the time that you remember. But in cases like these, it’s best not to go looking for the missing memories. They’ll come back in time.”

  “Why can’t I just know?” Jared asked. “I mean… Can’t you just tell me?”

  The doctor pursed her lips unhappily. “You’re a rare case- it’s normal to miss a few minutes, sometimes a full day or two. But… Whole years…” She shook her head. “Some things might come as too much of a shock. Your mind is delicate right now, you wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

  Jared wanted to protest; but he’d just had a near panic attack at hearing only the diagnosis, so maybe there was a point to what the medical professional was saying. “Can I have a few minutes alone, please?” He asked quietly.

  Dr Rhodes gave him a comforting smile as she left the room. Jensen lingered for a moment, looking away from Jared- for the first time since he’d entered the room, Jared realized- and fixating on Stephen instead. Then he left too.

  Jared turned to his partner. “Stephen,” he whispered. “Where have you been? Why weren’t you here?”

  Stephen didn’t meet his gaze, studying the corner of the hospital bed covers instead. “I was in France for three weeks. I got the call about you and… Came as soon as I could.” He hesitated, then looked up with a half-smile. “Don’t worry about the emergency contact thing. I’m too far away most of the time to get to you when you need someone in an instant.”

  “And Jensen has nothing better to do than run to my side”? Jared asked flatly.

  Stephen shrugged a little. “He travels too. But much less often.”

  Something about it nagged at Jared, but his head was starting to hurt, so he let it go. “Stephen…” This was a difficult question, he realized. Something in his chest tightened. “Are we… Still together?”

  Stephen took a moment longer than necessary to answer. “Yeah, we are,” he finally said. 

  Jared shook his head. “I remember you leaving,” he whispered. The memories flashing through his head seemed a little hazy. But they were the last thing he remembered from before waking up in the hospital. “We were fighting. You were leaving again somewhere. I remember thinking you were gonna break up with me once you got back.”

  Stephen looked hesitant. “Is that what you want?”

  “No!” The answer left him without the need for thought, but once spoken, his mouth felt numb. 

  Stephen nodded tightly. “We took a break from each other,” he answered carefully. “Then got back together after… Eight months. You moved in two years ago. Finally.” He smiled near the end, seeming lighter now. “You’re a published author, you know.”

  Jared felt his eyebrows rise high up on his forehead. “I… Am?” He recalled the hopeful book he’d been writing- a man setting out in search of his wife’s killer, with the help of a loner who knew more than he let on. “How did it do?”

  “You’ve got three books out,” Stephen told him. “You’re good- people like your work a lot.”

  Jared breathed out deeply. He had no idea what the other two books might be about. “Do you think the doc will let me read them?”

  “I… Doubt that.”

  They shared a soft laugh, then Jared realized Stephen had barely touched him all this time. His hands were on the bed, but an inch away from Jared’s, like he couldn’t figure out how to breach the gap. Bracing himself for a negative reaction, Jared crept his own hand forward, fingers slotting into place between Stephen’s.

  Stephen started, staring down at their joint hands in a pained way.

  “Steph?” Jared’s voice was too small.

  “We’re not married, you know,” Stephen told him, still not looking at him.

  It was what Jared wanted. What he had wanted, he realized now, while Stephen had explained it wasn’t a possibility because of his family’s societal expectations. Had that changed somewhere in the last six years? Had Stephen changed his mind, had Jared himself changed? He couldn’t bring himself to ask.

  “But… We’re together?” He made himself say. That was what was important.

  Stephen stared at him for a long time, then nodded. “Yeah.”

  “And we’re happy?”

  “We’re happy.”

  They discharged him soon after that, saying that there wasn’t much more they could do for him except prescribe meds for pain. His memory? No one could tell him exactly when or even if it would all come back.

  Jared tried to tell himself it didn’t matter, that he was happy and successful and he had Stephen- that should be enough.

  But there were questions he couldn’t let go of.

  Why did Stephen seem so cagey around him? Why did the house they supposedly lived in together not feel like a place that Jared had helped design or set up? And who the hell was Jensen Ackles?

  Jensen had accompanied them from the hospital, had insisted when Jared tried to protest it wasn’t necessary. Stephen had been quick to agree, though he seemed to have trouble looking Jensen in the eye.

  “Everything okay?” Jensen asked now, voice gravelly and deep, comforting with its slow Texan drawl that dripped with familiarity.

  Jared looked around the house, every wall gleaming like proof of wealth. Stephen had gone up to take Jared’s bags up to the room. Jared had questioned why his stuff was in bags anyway. Stephen had faltered and Jensen had smoothly explained that Jared had been returning from the airport, having just come back from a visit to his family in Texas.

  “You’re my best friend, you said?” Jared asked in a low voice, in case sounds carried in this house.

  Jensen studiously inspected a little ceramic mermaid on the mantel. “Yeah. I am.” He sounded sincere and Jared decided to believe him- Stephen had confirmed it after all.

  Well, it’s just…” Jared looked pointedly at the ceramic mermaid. “I’m apparently living in this place, but… Nothing here seems like something I would have liked.”

  To his surprise, Jensen smirked. “No. You’d have picked one of those plastic puppies or a soft toy.”

  “I-” Jared couldn’t even formulate an argument. “Alright, I guess we are best friends.”

  Jensen’s smile dimmed. “Right. Anything else you need to hear to prove it?”

  “No, that’s not- I just meant-”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Jensen hurried to assure with a sigh. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I just mean-” He gave Jared another smile, this one smaller, concerned. “I should have expected you to have trouble believing me. As far as you remember, Chad is your best friend.”

  “You know Chad?” Which was a stupid question, Jared realized.

  “Yeah,” Jensen snorted. “We made the mistake of introducing him to one of my childhood friends, Chris.”

  “Too alike?”

  “Way too alike. And now we actively make sure to minimize their time together.”

  Jared thought about the disastrous prospect of having two Chad’s in one room and nodded. “Good decision. Sounds like we make a good team.”

  Jensen stared at him for a second too long. Stephen came back down the stairs.

  “Jared, I’ve set your stuff up,” he said. “Uh, Jensen? Do you want to stay for dinner?”

  “No, thanks,” Jensen answered, the same politeness in his tone as Stephen. “Should be getting back to the hotel, I’ve got work.”

  “Hotel?” Jared asked with a frown.

  “Yeah.” Jensen didn’t offer any more.

  Jared let it go with a nod.

  “Take care of him,” Jensen instructed Stephen, smiling like it was teasing, but Stephen nodded seriously. “Jay? Call Chad. And your parents. They’ve been waiting to hear from you.”

  He was gone before Jared could reply. “He called my parents?” He asked Stephen. “Not you?”

  Stephen shrugged. “I was… Preoccupied.” He gave a small smile. “You were in critical condition, couldn’t really think of much.”

  Jared nodded in understanding, smiling softly. “You gonna be in trouble for cutting your trip short?” He asked. 

  “Don’t worry about it.” Stephen took his hand slowly, leading him to the table. “I don’t actually need to be there for most meetings these days. All the important ones were done with when I got the call about you.”

  “Look at you, all big and in-charge, huh,” Jared teased, lifting his free hand to cup Stephen’s face.

  Stephen stilled completely, almost tensing as Jared drew closer.

  “What’s wrong?” He asked in a whisper.

  Stephen swallowed, eyes darting away. “You’re… Still weak.”

  “Not for this,” Jared said softly and tilted his head to kiss him, his hand shaking as he braced himself for being pushed away.

  But Stephen just let out a trembling breath, kissing back just as gently. It only lasted a few seconds though, and then he was pulling away, “You should eat,” he said quietly.

  “Yeah.” Jared sat down at the table, and wondered why everything about the last two minutes had felt wrong.

  Jared lay in bed alone for a long time- Stephen was in his office, working. It wasn’t anything out of the usual; even six years ago, Jared would fall asleep alone more often than not.

  But right now, the absence of a warm body was proving impossible to adjust to. As if he’d gotten accustomed to the exact opposite of what he remembered, as if he no longer knew how to sleep on his own.

  Jared sighed, giving up. It wasn’t too late and his parents were likely to still be up. With only a little hesitation, he dialed his mother’s number.

   “Jared?”

  He smiled automatically. “Hey, momma.”

  There was a short pause, and then a soft sob.

  “No, mum, I’m okay!” Jared said hurriedly. “I’m back home. I’m fine.”

   “Don’t tell me you’re fine!” She practically growled, voice thick with tears. “Your brother looked over the medical file Jensen sent him a copy of, so I know exactly how bad it was, how….” She trailed off, sniffling.

  “It’s alright now,” Jared said soothingly. “I’m better now. Barely a scratch on me.”

   “And your memories?” His mother questioned. “Jensen told me about that too.”

  Jared sighed. “Yeah, that one is… I don’t know, mum. Doc says it’ll most likely come back in time on its own.” He left out the part where he also might never get his memories back. He frowned, as something else occurred to him. “So… You, uh… You know Jensen well?”

  This time, there was a pause. “He’s your best friend, honey,” his mom said, but there was a note of caution in her tone.

  “Right, that’s what I've been told,” he agreed. “Just wondering… You never knew Chad that well.”

  She huffed. “Well, no offense, JT, but Chad makes me want to sit him down and teach him how to behave. Jensen is a perfect sweetheart, however.”

  Jared laughed softly. “Yeah, that’s true enough, I guess.”

  His mom laughed too, but then she seemed to hesitate. “You’re… You’re living with Stephen, right?”

  He raised an eyebrow up at the dark ceiling. “Who else would I live with?” He joked, but at the same time, an odd sense of discomfort curled in his stomach.

   “Oh, no, no, I just meant… I’m glad you’re not living on your own,” she hurried to correct.

  “I’m not,” he assured. “Stephen will take care of me.”

   “Right.” She sounded almost… Skeptical. “And, um, how’s Jensen doing?”

  He frowned. “Fine? I guess? Why…?”

  “Nothing,” she said quietly. “It’s just… He’s a lonely boy, JT. You’re… Important to him. I’ve never seen him so upset as he’s been these last few days with you in the hospital.”

  “Oh,” Jared mumbled after a moment, unsure of what to say. “Alright, momma, I’ll…”

   “Just don’t forget about him,” she implored. Then she gave a short, humorless laugh. “You know what I mean.”

  He smiled, just as flat. “I do. I’ll check in on him, mum, won’t neglect him. Promise.”

   “That’s my boy,” she said softly. “Here, talk to your father, alright?”

  Stephen came back in just as he finished talking to his father. “Couldn’t sleep?” He asked.

  Jared shook his head. “Will now that you’re here.” He put the phone away, deciding to call his siblings and Chad tomorrow.

  Stephen lingered at the door, looking more torn than he'd ever seemed before. But Jared gave a soft smile, patting the bed clumsily, and Stephen nodded slowly, sliding in next to him.

  Jared took a deep breath, keeping his hand on Stephen’s chest. The room felt warmer already, comfortably so.

  He still took another two hours to fall asleep.

Chapter Text

  Next morning, he’d almost forgotten his current predicament... That is, until he looked into the mirror in the bathroom and nearly bit his tongue off in surprise.

  It was jarring and Jared almost wanted to shut his eyes and look away, maybe even cover up all the reflective surfaces in the house. But he took a deep breath, and leaned against the polished marble counter, staring at his reflection properly for the first time since waking up in the hospital.

  His hair was cut short, no longer framing his face and swooping down almost to his shoulders like he remembered. Now it just ended in springy little curls behind his ears and at the nape of his neck, making his wide forehead a bit more prominent. It was half-covered at the moment though, a large band-aid and cotton swab carefully covering up the wound to his temple. The rest of his face looked mostly the same- he was in dire need of a shave, lest the overgrown scruff turn into a full beard, and there were a few more lines on his face than he was used to, and maybe his eyes looked a little deeper and mature, but…

  It was still his face.

  He took another deep breath, and picked up his razor.

  When he stepped back out, Stephen was putting together breakfast. He did a double-take at seeing Jared.

  “What?” Jared asked, half-defensive, half-amused. “I was looking like a homeless vagabond.”

  He shook himself, giving a smile. “Pancakes?”

  “So, you did learn not to burn things down?” Jared teased.

  Stephen rolled his eyes. “It was education by necessity.” He placed a stack in front of him.

  “You going to the office today?” Jared asked.

  Stephen bit his lip. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, I am.” He paused. “”Unless you want me to stay-”

  “No, no!” Jared shook his head quickly. “You already cut your France trip short and missed a few days to see me in the hospital. You should go.”

  Stephen nodded. “If you’re sure.”

  Jared reached across the table to take his hand. “Hey. I’ve only lost six years, not my whole life. I think I can manage myself for half a day.”

  “I know,” he said softly. He looked down at their joint hands, then pulled his own away. “Call me if you need anything?”

  “Yeah, of course.” He stood. “I’ll wash up. And yes, the pancakes were good,” he teased.

  Stephen huffed, a smile tugging at his mouth, and Jared leaned down easily, kissing him softly, quickly, before turning towards the kitchen.

  An hour later though, he was already bored. He’d spoken to his siblings, assured them he was alright, suffered through the mild teasing, and promised to keep them in the loop.

  Now what?

  He could write. That was his usual way of passing time. But he couldn’t make himself get up, feeling drained, and scrolled idly through his phone instead.

  Jensen was the most frequently dialed contact on his phone.

  Jared stared at his name, thinking. Then he scrolled past it and called Chad.

   “What the fucking fuck, Padalecki?” A high, nasally voice screeched in his ear as soon as the call was answered. “How the fuck do you hit your head so bad you get full-blown fucking amnesia? I know you’re more a klutz than goddamn Bambi, but this is pushing it.”

  Jared swallowed back a sudden lump in his throat- Chad was the same as ever. Jared couldn’t remember ever being so relieved to hear his voice. “Thanks, man,” he replied, hoping his voice wasn’t wavering too much. “Really feeling the love and concern.”

  Chad scoffed. “Fuck you, man, I almost started praying.” His voice sounded a little thick too.

  Jared gave it a moment, letting them both use the silence to recover and steady themselves, before speaking. “So. I’m bored as hell, and I need to get out of the house.”

   “Say no more,” Chad replied, cheerful. “I know just what to do.”

  “No strip clubs,” Jared warned immediately, even though it was day time. “And no drinking.”

   “I’m ashamed that you would even think so little of me,” Chad said solemnly. “And, no, I was thinking a little stroll down memory lane.”

  Jared paused. “I’m not sure I’m allowed to do that.”

   “Jenny spoke to your doctor,” Chad assured. “She says that if you feel up to it, we can start with the small things, but not to push it.”

  “Jenny?”

  There was a short pause, as if Chad was reconsidering his words. “Jensen,” he said, almost carefully. “Ackles.”

  So Jensen Ackles was in touch with Dr Rhodes and seemed to have somewhat put himself in-charge of Jared’s recovery. Jared wasn’t sure whether to be touched, concerned, or a little annoyed.

  “Okay,” he replied to Chad. “I’ll meet you at your place in about fifteen- wait, you still live at your old place, right?”

   “I do,” Chad confirmed. “See you at fifteen. Drive carefully.”

  LA had changed. A lot. Jared got lost twice and his head was starting to hurt. He couldn’t tell if it was the injury acting up or just the phantom press of memories trying to make themselves known in his mind.

  It took him almost half an hour to reach Chad’s place. His friend seemed to understand instantly.

  “Sorry,” he said, pulling Jared into a quick hug. “Should have realized, given you directions.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Jared assured, hugging him back.

  Chad sighed, pulling back. “You know you were on your way here when the accident happened?”

  “Yeah?” His interest was piqued immediately and he sat down on the couch, listening intently.

  Chad nodded glumly. “You were in LA for some book thing. Had an evening off, so we decided to meet up for drinks. Jen bailed, said he had work, and Sandy was visiting her mom, so, it was gonna be just the two of us, and…”

  “And I never reached,” Jared mumbled.

  His eyes were fixed on the carpet. “I kept calling your phone, you didn’t answer. Called Jensen- he told me.”

  Jared rubbed at his unwounded temple, trying to remember that evening. “So… We three are still close?”

  “Obviously.” Chad gave him a smirk. “Sandy’s got a steady guy.”

  “No kidding!” He straightened. “Have I met him?”

  “Yep,” he said. “We gave him a hell of a shovel talk too.”

  “Good,” Jared laughed. “And what about you?”

  Chad hesitated then, biting his lip. “I quit acting.”

  “What?” Jared exclaimed. “Why?”

  He shrugged. “It was pretty early on, five years ago. I don’t know, heart wasn’t in it, or some shit. Got a tattoo shop now.”

  “A-” Jared shook his head. “How’d that happen?”

  He gave a little laugh. “Man, I don’t even know. Joined up as a temp, ended up getting a few fans, and the guy just gave the shop to me when he retired. Said he’d been planning on selling it but was glad he didn’t have to.”

  “Wow.” Jared shook his head, laughing too. “Wait, so-” He rolled up his left sleeve. “Did you do this one?” He’d noticed it the night before when getting ready for bed. It was a scene straight out of a Dr Seuss book, the accompanying quote scrolling around it elegantly.

  “I did, yeah,” Chad said, a little cautious again. “Around the same time I first started working there.”

  The tattoo did look a bit faded, like it needed to be touched up. Jared stared down at it, biting his lip. “Why’d I get it?” When he didn’t get an answer immediately, he looked up.

  Chad had a contemplative look on his face, like he was trying to measure out exactly what and how much he should say. “You’d released your first book,” he said. “And… Just doing really good, you know? In life, I mean. Like, in general.”

  He nodded, trying to push away the thought that Chad was obviously keeping something from him.

  Jared and Chad had been friends for so long that even when late morning passed into early evening, they still hadn’t run out of things to talk about. Jared also realized soon enough that his initial thought had been partially wrong- Chad wasn’t entirely the same. But the changes were those of simple growth, maturity, and Jared was happy to find that they still got along just as well as they used to.

  By the time Jared was driving back to the house, he was in much better spirits, his earlier lethargy forgotten. His thoughts ground to a halt when he reached the driveway though, finding an unfamiliar car idling there. Jensen Ackles was in the driver’s seat.

  “Hi,” Jared greeted curiously. “You been waiting long?”

  “No, don’t worry about it,” Jensen assured, getting out. His eyes flicked over Jared carefully, as if checking to see if he was in the same condition as when Jensen had last seen him. “I see you cleaned up.”

  He huffed a laugh, rubbing at his lightly stubbled jaw. “Yeah. Was getting sick of the caveman in the mirror.”

  Jensen’s smile was small, lazy. “I just came to check on you. Should have called first, sorry.”

  “Yeah, no, I was just visiting Chad…” The conversation seemed oddly stifled, formal. It felt wrong.

  Jensen seemed to sense it too, judging by the flash of discomfort. “We’re not usually like this,” he muttered, like he felt responsible for their lapse in understanding each other.

  “What are we usually like?” Jared asked curiously.

  Jensen opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again, looking down at where he was discreetly scuffing the toe of his boots against the concrete. “You should talk to the doctor. Ask how much exposure you’re permitted, like if you could start reading your own work.”

  Jared raised an eyebrow. “From what I’ve heard, you’ve been speaking to Dr Rhodes already.”

  He gave a slightly guilty look. “I know, yeah, I was just… Worried. And I don’t want you to stress about keeping your family in the loop and everything, so-” He shrugged. “But you should talk to her yourself.”

  Jared nodded along. “I will, yeah. And… Thanks, for, you know…”

  “Yeah.” Jensen fidgeted in place for a moment, then sighed. “I should… Go. You need to rest too, since you’ve been out all day.”

  “Yes, mother hen,” Jared snorted, rolling his eyes a little.

  To his delight, Jensen smirked. “You know that-” Then he stopped, pain flashing over his face.

  “What?” Jared asked, his own voice gone concerned.

  Jensen shook his head. “Inside joke. Never mind.”

   Inside joke , Jared thought carefully. Because best friends had those, yeah. And Jensen was apparently Jared’s best friend, but Jared had no memory of anything they’d shared, including said inside jokes.

  “I’m sorry,” he murmured.

  Jensen gave a tight smile. “It’s not your fault.”

  “Still-”

  “No.” He shook his head. “I should go.” He still didn’t move for another second, staring up at Jared like… “Night, Jay.”

  “Goodnight,” he said quietly, watching as Jensen got into his car and drove away.

  He called his doctor immediately as he stepped inside the house. She signed off on what Jensen had suggested, and Jared went to the bookshelf in Stephen’s office.

  There were three books there that had the name Jared Padalecki stamped on it. Jared skipped the first one, already knowing what it was about. The second one was a mystery to him, but the third…

  “ Waiting On The Right Time ,” Jared read the title aloud. It was a love story. Not something he’d ever thought he’d write.

  The cover of the book was two identical men’s wristwatches laying on a table, both showing different times and dates. The summary indicated it was about two best friends from Texas, falling in love and finding their own version of happiness.

  Jared sat down on the couch and read down the reviews on the back, before opening it to the dedication page.

   To the man who taught me to be happy: I wish I’d met you earlier in life.

  Jared smiled at the words he’d written for Stephen, even if he didn’t remember-

  Something sharp and painful seemed to spike behind his eyelids and he winced, blinking away from the book to dispel the pain. “What the fuck?” He cursed under his breath, rubbing his brow bone. As the pain faded, he shook his head, focusing on the book again.

  Should he read it? If merely the dedication line had felt like knives stabbing his eye sockets, couldn't the actual story be worse?

  But Dr Rhodes had said it was safe, that it might knock a few harmless memories loose. And Jensen had seemed supportive of the idea as well.

  Jared took a deep breath, and started reading.

Chapter Text

  Jared woke up to the feeling of a fingertip trailing softly down the side of his face. Drowsiness kept him from reacting and he stayed still, breathing evenly.

  Stephen traced down his jaw, thumb smoothing over his light scruff, as if feeling it out. Then he paused and a few beats passed before Jared opened his eyes to find Stephen staring at the slowly healing wound on his temple.

  “Mornin’,” Jared whispered, taking Stephen’s hand.

  “Morning,” he replied, entwining their fingers. “How you feeling?”

  “Good. Pain’s almost gone.”

  “Good,” Stephen murmured, eyes roving over his features with soft affection.

  Jared smiled, shifting forward to press their lips together. Stephen took a sharp breath, hand bracing against Jared’s chest.

  “It’s okay,” Jared assured. “I’m okay, I’m not too weak for this.”

  “Shouldn’t risk it,” Stephen tried to say, but Jared kissed him again, silencing him.

  “Just trust me,” he said firmly, rolling on top of Stephen and caging him in.

  Stephen shuddered, then an odd sound escaped him, almost defeated. His hands landed on Jared’s waist, gently trailing up his sides, lifting his t-shirt slowly. Jared breathed in shakily, closing his eyes at the touch as he carefully rocked his hips down against Stephen’s.

  He felt more than heard the resulting gasp. “This okay?” Stephen asked.

  Jared nodded, opening his eyes to answer-

  Pain flashed in his temple, making him flinch away, and a fleeting image of long lashes and crow’s feet flashed through his mind, along with the sensation of calloused fingers on his face.

  “Jared?!” Stephen’s voice broke through, panicked.

  “I’m fine,” he said in a tight voice, holding a hand to his own forehead. He fell back to his side of the bed, wincing. “I’m fine.”

  “You remembered something?”

  He looked up to find Stephen sitting up now, face drawn in worry. “I’m fine,” he repeated. “It was just a… I don’t know, some kind of flashback.”

  Stephen bit his lip. “What… What did you see?”

  There was suddenly a sour taste in the back of Jared’s throat. “I don’t know. It’s gone again.” He stared up at Stephen, trying to find something. But he didn’t know what.

  Stephen looked away, taking a deep breath, as if to rein himself in. “You really shouldn’t take that kind of risk.”

  “Well, I can’t keep myself locked away forever,” he pointed out. “I want to remember, Stephen, and I can’t just avoid everything that might remind me.”

  Stephen sighed. “Yeah, I know, Jared. I just…” He glanced back at Jared. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

  Jared softened. “I know, babe.” He sat up, giving a quick peck to Stephen’s lips. “So, what’s the plan for today? It’s the weekend.”

  Stephen smiled slightly. “What do you wanna do?”

  “Honestly?” He sighed, flopping back down on the pillows. “I wanna just stay indoors and catch up on six years of movies and TV shows.”

  Stephen bit his lip. “Oh… Uh…”

  “What?” Jared narrowed his eyes. “What is it?”

  “There’s been a lot of new Marvel movies,” he said. “And Game of Thrones finished.”

  Jared stared at him faintly. “Oh my god. Were they good?”

  He made a face, shrugging. “Yes and no? It’s subjective. There’s also been a few new DC movies.”

  Jared gave a pitiful groan, grabbing a pillow to hide his face. “This is gonna take longer than the weekend, isn’t it?” He asked.

  Stephen chuckled, patting Jared’s head in consolation. “Don’t worry. You’ll get through them all.”

  “If you say so,” he sighed dramatically, slumping against him.

  “Wait, wait, wait!” Jared waved his arm a little, as Stephen paused the movie. “Ben Affleck is Batman?”

  “Yep.” Stephen seemed to be enjoying his reactions more than necessary.

  “I’m not sure how I feel about that,” he muttered.

  “You haven’t seen it yet!” Stephen laughed. “Give it a chance.”

  “Fine,” he grumbled. “Play it.”

  Stephen’s phone rang and he frowned at the screen. “It’s work.”

  “It’s a Sunday,” Jared pointed out.

  “I know.” He gave a torn, apologetic look. “Just give me a few minutes. In case it’s something serious?”

  “Go, go,” Jared assured, waving him away. “I can survive watching a movie on my own.”

  He smiled slightly, as if relieved, and got off the couch, heading into his office. Jared turned his attention back to the TV, blinking away the strain in his eyes. It probably wasn’t good for his head wound to be staring at the screen for so lolng, but fuck it.

  The doorbell rang, startling Jared from the TV. He paused the movie to get the door and was pleasantly surprised to find Jensen standing there.

  “Wasn’t expecting you,” he said curiously. “Come on in.”

  “Thanks.” Jensen stepped in, looking around curiously at the darkened living room before spotting the movie playing on the screen. “Oh. Catching up?”

  “Yeah,” Jared gave a slight smile. “Stephen and I figured we could spend a good chunk of the weekend watching all this.”

  “You wanna know which ones you hated?” Jensen asked. “You can just never watch them again, have it permanently erased from your mind.” He sounded light, teasing, unlike the quiet sadness from the last few times they’d talked.

  But something else struck Jared too. “You know the ones I hated?” How come Stephen hadn’t mentioned anything like that? He thought

  “Yeah, ‘course, we watched most of them together and then you’d bitch about it to me,” he laughed fondly.

  “We… Really?”

  Something seemed to occur to Jensen and his smile faded; Jared immediately felt a pang of regret.

  “Yeah, we hang out together a lot,” Jensen muttered as an explanation. “And we have the same taste in movies, so…” He shrugged.

  Jared wanted to press, but Stephen reappeared. “Okay, I’m back, let’s-” He faltered, almost freezing when he saw Jensen.

  “Amell,” Jensen greeted, amicable- but Jared couldn’t be imagining the faint uptilt of a snarl at his lips, right?

  “Hi, Jensen,” Stephen returned quietly. “Didn’t know you were coming over today.”

  “Forgot to text, yeah. Am I interrupting something?”

  “No, not really.”

  Jared cleared his throat. “Why do I feel like you two have been talking about me behind my back?” He didn’t bother keeping his mild annoyance in check.

  They both glanced at him, then at each other.

  Jensen offered an apologetic smile. “Only about your 12-step recovery plan, Jay, promise.”

  Stephen nodded, giving a smile of his own.

  Jared decided to let it go for now. “Okay, so why are you here?”

  “Well, we figured it’s best to get you reacquainted with the city,” he explained. “So, we’re just gonna drive around, check out all the places you used to visit the most often.”

  That made sense, Jared figured. But… “Okay, yeah. Steph and I can do that, right?”

  “Actually, I’ve got a meeting in a little while,” Stephen said. “I don’t know when I’ll get time, so… You should go with Jensen, have fun. Don’t stay cooped up in here on my account.”

  Jared half-glared at him. “Fine. I'll go get changed.” He turned sharply, trying to push down the hurt at Stephen’s very bad lying. Why wasn’t he the one helping Jared recover his memories?

  When he came back downstairs, Stephen’s office was closed and Jensen was waiting in the foyer, looking relaxed again. “Ready to go?” He asked, smiling up at him.

  He nodded, trying to return the smile. It wasn’t Jensen’s fault that Jared sometimes felt a nugget of doubt at Stephen’s words. He shouldn’t be taking that out on him.

  Jensen didn’t notice, or if he did, he didn’t prod, instead leading Jared outdoors. Jared looked over the car, noting this time that it was an Impala. “67?” He asked Jensen, perking up a little.

  Jensen smiled. “Yeah. You, uh… You always joke that I love it more than- more than anything else in my life.”

  “I used to fix up cars,” he recalled. “I thought I would still be doing that, but then Stephen told me I got published.”

  “Well…” Jensen bit his lip, clearly thinking.

  Jared was surprised at the flash of heat in his stomach, then quickly dismissed it- Jensen was hot as fuck, nothing new there. “What is it?”

  “You bought her as a gift for me,” Jensen said quietly. “She was in pretty bad shape and you fixed her, basically from the ground up, for our… For my birthday.”

  Jared’s eyebrows rose steadily as he listened. That was no small feat, he thought to himself. Or a cheap one. Which meant… “We’re really close, huh?” He murmured, which was an understatement really- Chad was a close friend too, but Jared couldn't see himself buying and repairing an entire muscle car for him.

  Jensen’s next smile was soft, fond. “Yeah. Yeah, we are.” He looked back at the car, and Jared stared at him, a little wonderstruck by the golden sheen of his eyelashes under the sun.

  He shook himself. “So… Where you taking me?”

  Jensen imitated the slight shake, clearly subconsciously. “Well, lucky for you, I’m doing an LA-based photoshoot right now. Completely casual, loose agenda- sort of a general appreciation of the city.”

  “Sounds cool,” Jared said, nodding along as they got into the car. “So I’m just gonna be tagging along with you while you be all artsy?”

  Jensen pointed at the backseat, where two large black bags were strapped in. “You’re my mule.”

  “Charming,” Jared laughed at the blunt tone, and it earned him a pleased grin. “Go where you point, do as you say?”

  “Bingo.”

  Jared shook his head, leaning back comfortably. “Is this something we do a lot of?”

  Jensen nodded. “I used to hire an assistant specifically to help me out, whichever city I’m in. Then you said you’d love to help and… It became a routine.”

  “Whatever city?” He repeated.

  Jensen shrugged. “I like to travel…”

  The statement felt unfinished, but Jared didn’t press. “Me too,” he said instead. “Always dreamed about seeing the world. Staying in one place makes me a little… Restless?”

  Jensen nodded, almost knowingly. “So anyway, I started this series a while ago: showcasing the lesser known gems in the most popular cities. We’ve done Paris, Venice, Rome. Then came down here to do LA and San Francisco right after my sister’s wedding.”

  “Who’s we?” Jared asked.

  “After this, I need to go to London for two weeks,” Jensen continued, half a second late. “Some teeny-bopper pop band wants me to do a magazine spread.”

  Jared stared at him. “And then?”

  “It was supposed to be Athens,” he said, sounding subdued now.

  “What changed?”

  “We’re here.”

  ‘Here’ was the parking lot in front of LA’s Hall of Records.

  “What the fuck?” Jared mumbled, confused, as Jensen climbed out of the car. He hurried to follow, helping Jensen bring out the bags of equipment. “Where we going?”

  “You’ll see.” With that, he walked around the building. At the back, there was an old door. Jensen opened it one-handed; it looked heavy and Jared realized it led to an elevator.

  The answer came to him immediately. “A Prohibition tunnel?” He asked in a shocked whisper.

  Jensen winked. “Figured you’d enjoy this.”

  An odd thrill went up Jared’s spine and he followed his apparent best friend like a fish on a baited hook.

  The tunnels. Mosaic Tile House. Mural Mile. Shakespeare Bridge.

  Jared was having more fun than he’d had since waking up in the hospital, barely even realizing that they’d skipped lunch. Jensen seemed to have handpicked spots that Jared would love- places that echoed with history, giving them an almost eerie feel.

  Helping to set up the equipment and adjusting them exactly as per Jensen’s wish was tiring- more so because Jensen turned out to be quite tetchy with his work and Jared had to wonder if this was a shared trait among all photographers- but he couldn’t complain about a single minute. In fact, it felt good to use his muscles a little.

  Stephen had protested against him resuming his daily runs, citing that he could collapse in the middle of it and no one would know for thirty minutes. Jared had begrudgingly agreed but this was just strenuous enough to make him sweat a little.

  Besides, the way Jensen’s eyes moved over him like a hawk every single time he paused to catch his breath? Jared doubted he could be in safer company.

  “This is the last one,” Jensen called, glancing over his camera. “Sorry for how long this took.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” he assured.

  “I just need a few more shots,” Jensen said. “Then we can rest up for a while here, enjoy the view, before getting home.”

  It did sound nice- they were currently in the ‘ruins’ of some old abandoned zoo, less eerie and more melancholic than the other spots, only emphasized by the sun that was just beginning its descent. There were stone slabs, soft grass spreading out over tiles, benches with fine fissures in them that matched the pillars.

  Apparently, it was a favorite picnic spot for the locals.

  “Sounds good,” he agreed and in a few minutes, they were packing up the cameras and stuff.

  Jensen leaned back against one of the pillars and Jared settled down on a large grass patch. They sat in comfortable silence, watching the sky slowly turn lavender.

  “Are you okay?”

  Jared turned to Jensen, ready to answer. But Jensen was staring at some spot between them, not meeting Jared’s eyes. There was the tiniest furrow between his brow and Jared got the feeling that he would see through any lie Jared told him.

  “It hurts,” he heard himself say, barely thinking about it.

  Jensen’s frown deepened. “What does?”

  “Everything.” Jared swallowed tightly, looking back up at the sky. “I know I can’t remember things, but it feels like I can… Like I can see the empty spaces in my memory.”

  He could feel Jensen looking at him now.

  “You know how you forget faces you haven’t seen in a long time? You can look at photos and stuff, but they never seem right. And you just can’t picture them in your head. And they were someone you loved but you don’t know if you still do. You don’t how you’d feel if you did remember them. But whether you’d still love them or not, you were supposed to keep them in your mind, in your heart, but you didn’t, or you couldn’t and… It hurts.”

  He was surprised to find tears stinging his eyes and he closed them, trying to will them back. When he looked again, he caught Jensen turning his gaze away to the sky.

  “Too much?” Jared asked, clearing his throat.

  “Never.” Jensen shook his head absently, standing. “It’ll come back, Jay. All of it.”

  “What if it doesn’t?”

  He smiled slightly. “You’ll still have me… And Chad, Sandy… Stephen.”

  Jared nodded slowly, then stood as well. “Time to go back?”

  Jensen sighed without answering and led him out again.

  It was late by the time they were pulling up in front of the house. The drive had been silent too, but this one had been slightly marred by the weight of Jared’s words.

  “Sorry for how late it is,” Jensen said again- he didn’t sound too apologetic.

  Jared shrugged. “Don’t be. I had fun, really. You got everything you need?”

  “Yeah. There were a few other spots on my list, but they’re all hiking trails and you’re not exactly up to that yet. No offense.”

  He laughed softly. “None taken. I know my limits.”

  “Well, that’s new,” Jensen told him matter-of-factly.

  He shrugged again. “You wanna… Come in? Have dinner?”

  “No,” Jensen said a little quickly. “I gotta get back. Touch up those photos a little.”

  “Okay,” Jared murmured, ignoring the slight disappointment. “Thanks for today, Jensen. It was… Thank you.”

  Jensen’s smile was the brightest he’d given all day. “Goodnight, Jare.”

  “Goodnight.” He climbed out of the car, walking inside the house. He paused at the door, looking back.

  Jensen was still there, watching him. His face was unreadable from here.

  Jared felt warm, comfortable, even in the chilly night air, and he didn’t know what it meant. He raised his hand in goodbye and slipped inside the door.

Chapter Text

  Jensen glanced down at his phone, checking over the details of his next job. Some up and coming author who only had one book out, soon to launch another, but was apparently already a fan favorite. Alright, something new then, he thought. He’d spent the last several shoots alternating between too-full-of-themselves celebrities and his own independent work. And while the former made him want to tear his own hair out sometimes, being alone wasn’t all that fun either.

  There wasn’t much else mentioned about the author. This book launch was going to be for only his second book.

  Putting his phone away, Jensen got out of his car, walking into his studio.

  “Hey,” Felicia greeted him from her desk. “Your new client is up in your office. And he’s hot, so if you’re not interested, you can send him back down to me.”

  “Focus on work, and stop ogling my clients,” Jensen called back. “Please!”

  “Request denied!”

  Rolling his eyes, Jensen stepped into his office. And promptly lost his breath at the indeed-very-hot client sitting in front of his desk, looking up at him expectantly.

  Jensen worked with A-list actors on a regular basis. He was practically desensitized to general attractiveness. But some people just appealed to the artist in him.

  Jared Padalecki was a photographer’s wet dream.

  “Hi,” he greeted, hoping he’d recovered quick enough. “You must be Mr Padalecki.”

  “Just call me Jared, please,” the writer said quickly, sounding nervous.

  He chuckled. “No problem, Jared. You can call me Jensen.” He sat down across from him. “How’re you liking fame so far?”

  The man blushed. “I wouldn’t say I’m famous. Not really. I mean, not yet, at least.”

  “Your first book made the New York Times,” Jensen pointed out, internally amused when Jared just shrugged and offered a small smile in return.

  “Well, alright, Shakespeare.” Jensen leaned forward, reaching for a portfolio. “You know what kind of photoshoot you want?”

  “Not a clue.”

  “That’s alright, most first-timers don’t.” He handed him the folder. “Go ahead, look through that. Tell me which one you like, I’ll use that as a base.”

  Jared looked through it gingerly, a small furrow marring his brow. “I honestly can’t decide which of these is supposed to be better than the others in any way.” He gave another smile that made Jensen’s stomach twist with a greedy sort of want.

  “You want me to go with something on my own then?” He asked.

  Jared nodded, handing the folder back. “Just point to where you need me. I’m at your mercy.”

  Oh, the places he could take that sentence… Was Jared flirting? Was he just naturally charming in a way that people often mistook for flirting? Was he just over-friendly?

  Jensen looked down at his own work, forcing himself to actually focus. “How’d you feel about a black-and-white shoot? And outdoors, maybe in some forest area, to match the story?”

  “Wait, you’ve read my book?” Jared asked, looking pleased.

  “Oh, uh, no.” He gave a sheepish smile. “Just saw the summary when your agent contacted us, and then skimmed over some reviews online.”

  Jared laughed. “So you’re helping to promote a book you haven’t even read?”

  “Technically, I’m promoting the author of a book,” Jensen pointed out.

  “Fair enough,” he gave in.

  “So?” Jensen showed him a photo he’d taken. “Something like this? What do you think?

  “Um, good?”

  Jensen bit back a laugh. “Alright, I’ll walk you through it.”

  Jared was easy to photograph. He followed Jensen’s instructions perfectly and despite his initial shyness, he made a good model- leaning back on the grass, one hand holding open a copy of his own book on his lap.

  Jensen stared at him over the camera, then through the lens, watching the golden light illuminate the angle of Jared’s jawline, his feathery lashes casting faint shadows over his cheeks.

  “Sir?” Felicia mock-whispered. “Stop drooling.”

  Jensen shot her a glare and steadied himself, taking the photo. What surprised him, when he straightened to look over the camera, was the slightest pink to Jared’s face.

  “Hey, everything okay?” Jensen called.

  “Yep,” he replied.

  Jensen frowned, turning to Felicia. “We’re starting to lose the light. Let’s pack up. I think I’ve got all we need.”

  Jared pushed himself upright, putting the book away. “So we done?”

  “We’re done,” he confirmed. “You can head out, we’ll pack up this stuff here.”

  Jared looked around at Jensen’s small team of four people and shrugged. “I can help. I don’t mind sticking around.”

  “You don’t have to-”

  “Please, you’d be doing me a favor,” Jared said lightly. “I got nothing going on.”

  Jensen stared at him, then around himself, and nodded slowly.

  With an extra pair of hands, pack-up went a little faster. The sun had set by the time they were heading out and Jensen recalled that Jared had taken a cab here.

  “You need a ride?”

  Jared shook his head quickly. “It’s alright, I can call a cab. My place is a little out of your way.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Jensen assured. “Come on, you’re not really gonna pick a cab over a free ride?”

  Jared hesitated, smiling slightly. “Alright. Thanks.”

  Jensen was surprised to feel a little nervous as they got into his car- night fell quickly in Texas and the darkness outside made everything seem smaller, more claustrophobic. Jared was sitting shotgun, head leaned back slightly and eyes half-lidded; it took Jensen a couple seconds to realize he was being stared at. 

  “What?” He asked, self-conscious.

  “Nothing,” Jared replied quickly, blushing and looking away.

  Something occurred to Jensen. “You, uh- you heard what Felicia was saying earlier?” His thumb fidgeted against the steering wheel, giving an embarrassed laugh. “Because she was just- she was kidding. She thinks I don’t get laid enough. And obviously, you’d make a good candidate if- fuck, sorry!” He shook his head, mortified. “I’m sorry. Please forget that.”

  Jared’s laugh was soft, pleased. “Didn’t peg you for the type to ramble.”

  “You’ve only known me for two days,” Jensen grumbled, relieved that Jared didn’t seem uncomfortable or put off. “You should see me when I’m drunk.”

  “Maybe some time.” A quick look showed Jared staring down at his lap. “And tell Felicia not to worry- I doubt you have any trouble getting sex when you want it.”

  Jensen did a double-take, stealing a second glance- was that flirting? Was Jared flirting with him? “What, like you have a lot of difficulties in hooking up,” he scoffed.

  Jared shrugged. “Haven’t tried in a while. Just… I just got out of a relationship, so…”

  Jensen beat back the strange mix of disappointment and relief. “Bad break up?”

  “Is there ever a good one?” He asked, a note of curiosity in his voice.

  “Touche,” Jensen murmured. “That’s why I don’t do dating.”

  “At all?”

  He waved his hand in a vague gesture. “Last boyfriend I had was screwing around with another model, so…”

  “I’m sorry,” Jared said softly.

  “It was a couple years ago.” Jensen wasn’t faking the lack of pain in his voice- he barely thought about Justin these days, didn’t feel more than a twinge of regret when he did.

  But there was also a sense of loneliness- Jensen had known Justin for years and in the prime of their relationship, they’d been amazing together. But eventually, Justin wanted fame, red carpets, the flashes of a hundred cameras all focused on him…

  Jensen wasn’t enough for him and that was that. The cheating had just been the final nail in the coffin.

  “What about you?” Jensen asked, shaking off the melancholy. “Why’d it end?”

  Silence. Jensen didn’t think he’d get an answer. Then-

  “He didn’t love me enough to be a little braver.”

  What did one say to that? Jensen looked over, sympathy tugging at his heartstrings, to see a resigned look on Jared’s face, mouth twisted up one side in a bitter smile. There was also an urge to comfort him, to bring back the smile.

  “Well, let me on if you ever wanna do a nude photoshoot to show him what he’s missing out on,” Jensen heard himself say.

  He almost wanted to smack himself, but Jared let out a startled huff of amusement. “What?!”

  “It’s been done,” Jensen assured him. “And I promise it’ll be tasteful.”

  “I’ll think about it,” he said with a roll of his eyes, and the car rolled to a stop outside of his house.

  Jensen felt loath to let the conversation end. He tried to think of something to say, something to drag this out…

  “Thanks for the ride,” Jared said, reaching into the backseat to grab his jacket. “Goodnight, Jensen.”

  “Night,” he replied in a mumble, and Jared lingered for a moment, eyes trailing over him.

  Then he stepped out of the car, and slipped indoors without a glance back.

  He didn’t see Jared again for a whole week- a week that he spent poring over the photos he’d taken of Jared, playing around with some color grading before he’d send them to Jared’s agent.

  “These are amazing,” Jared said admiringly, standing behind Jensen’s chair and leaning over his shoulder a bit. “You’ve made me a lot better-looking than I am.”

  “Well, you gave me a lot to work with,” Jensen replied easily, leaning back so Jared’s fingers brushed against his nape.

  Jared didn’t pull away, shaking his head with a grin. “Flattery isn’t gonna get you anywhere, you know.”

  “Then what will?”

  Maybe he’d sounded too earnest- Jared blinked at him, biting his lip a little and straightening, pulling away. He dropped into the chair opposite him. “So what next?”

  “Next-” Jensen turned the computer slightly. “I send these over to your agent and she deals with the rest. My work is done.”

  Jared nodded. “Thanks for doing this, man, really. Cortese told me it’s a long shot to get you on board.”

  “She’s not wrong,” he admitted. “I stay away from the celebrity side of photography and I don’t like working with big teams and popular magazines too much. I can’t stop them entirely, because that’s where the money’s at- but I like sticking to my own stuff.”

  “Well, I’m glad you agreed to do this one,” Jared said simply.

  Jensen nodded. “Me too.” He finished sending the email, photos attached, and glanced at the clock. “You owe me a drink.”

  “Do I?” Jared asked, amused.

  “Well, you said you’d get me drunk,” he amended.

  “I think you’re paraphrasing a bit too much,” Jared snorted. “And anyway, I, uh… I can’t tonight. Need to go apartment-hunting.”

  Jensen crossed his fingers under his table. “How about the weekend then? I got some friends who perform at the bar, they’ll be there Saturday. It’ll be fun, you could come along.”

  Jared stared at him, then down at his hands, looking torn. “That’s- I don’t know, I’ll try- I’ll let you know.”

  It wasn’t a ‘no’, but… Jensen chewed the inside of his cheek. “No problem.”

  Jared stood. “Anyway, I’ll… See you around.”

  “See you.”

  Jared left the office and… That was that. Jensen slumped in his chair, sighing. The photos of Jared were still open on his computer, the monochrome throwing his features into sharp relief. Jensen would die before admitting his secret inner-romantic, but was he really imagining the flicker of interest in Jared’s eyes? Was he making up the way Jared leaned into his delicate touch for a moment before pulling away again?

  Fuck. Jensen groaned and shut off his computer, burying his face in his hands. He’d only met Jared three times, as he’d been telling himself pretty often. He shouldn’t be this affected.

  Was he going crazy?

  Jensen got his answers on Saturday night, reclined in a booth, watching Chris and Steve play.

  A very tall figure sat down across from him.

  “Jared!” He exclaimed, a little tipsy and a lot happy. “You’re here.”

  “Yeah, I found an apartment, signed the lease today. And the book launch was yesterday, which went great, so I figured I owe myself a celebration.” Jared grinned widely and it was more genuine, more happy than any smile he’d worn yet- it transformed him, morphed his face from some tragic beauty to a breathtaking masterpiece.

  Jensen should stop thinking so dramatically- it was the alcohol’s fault, anyway. “Well, I’m glad to see you here, dude,” he said, offering his beer glass for Jared to tap his own against. “Congrats on the book, and the apartment.”

  “Thanks. It's been a long time coming, I’ve been living with my parents for a few months, and before that, I was with my boyfriend for almost two years, so…” He faltered, face going blank for a split second before recovering. “Anyway. Missed living on my own, actually, it’s freeing.”

  “You can walk around naked,” Jensen deadpanned, and felt a burst of smug pride when Jared burst out laughing.

  “Wow. I make a deep meaningful insight and that’s your comeback?” He demanded through his grin.

  “Hey, I’m on my way to getting drunk,” Jensen defended. “As you should be.”

  “Fair enough,” he acquiesced, and tipped his head back to down the rest of his beer.

  Jensen watched, a little entranced by the tanned, smooth skin of Jared’s throat, and the mole on the underside of his jaw.

  “Those the friends you mentioned?” Jared asked, nodding towards the stage.

  Jensen tore his gaze away, nodding too. “Yeah, yeah, um, Chris Kane, Steve Carlson.”

  “They’re good.” Jared drummed his fingers on the table, looking restless. “Shots?”

  “Yes, please.” Jensen smirked at him. “You tryna get me drunk?”

  “No!” Jared exclaimed, blushing. “No, I just- I mean, yeah, but- it’s not like that- you said you were here to get drunk!”

  Jensen couldn’t help laughing at Jared’s sudden fluster, but something sat heavy in his gut, like disappointment. “Relax, Jared, seriously. Let’s get those shots.”

  “You’re an asshole,” Jared grumbled as they stood, but his lips quirked up into a little smile.

  “That I am,” Jensen agreed, taking a hold of Jared’s arm to guide him through the crowd. “That a dealbreaker?”

  “Dealbreaker for what?”

  Jensen didn’t answer, calling for tequila first. He downed his two shots, letting the sharp tang of it burn down his chest, settle in his stomach, blur his thoughts. When he felt brave enough, he leveled Jared with a heavy look, taking a step forward to be in his space.

  The effect was instantaneous- Jared’s lips parted on a sudden inhale, the colors of his eyes disappearing into black, and his hand came up to hold Jensen’s arm, as if to steady him.

  “Felicia wasn’t wrong,” Jensen said in a low, smooth voice, letting his accent slip. “But she wasn’t worried about me not getting laid enough. She could just tell that I want you.”

  “You… Want me.” It was stated like a question, broken up by an uncertain swallow, like he couldn't fathom the idea that Jensen had been a wee bit obsessed over him since Day 1.

  “Sorry for not being obvious enough,” Jensen said honestly. “You didn’t seem interested.”

  The choked sound Jared made might have been a scoff, or a laugh, or anything under the sun- it didn’t matter, because Jensen closed the distance, rising up on his toes for a kiss.

  A kiss that Jared gasped into, fingers curling into Jensen’s waist, and it was somehow softer than planned. Soft in a way that made Jensen sigh into, soft because Jared’s free hand trembled at Jensen’s nape.

  And Jensen was drunk, but not so much that he could ignore that.

  “Hey,” he chided gently, barely pulling away. “You wanna go back to our booth, sit down?” It was an out- Jensen held his breath and prayed.

  Jared’s eyes darted between his eyes- Jensen could almost see the moment his nervousness, and whatever hang-up he’d had, fall away, replaced by an obstinacy that Jensen had seen on his own face so many times.

  “Your place close by?”

  Jensen grinned. “And my car’s outside.”

  “Let’s go.”

  Jensen woke up alone. The smell of sex hung faintly in the air, on the sheets, and he groaned quietly, sitting up. At least the hangover wasn’t too bad, he reasoned.

  “Jared?” He called sleepily.

  No answer. No sounds from anywhere in the house. Jensen opened his eyes, breathing out slowly to place his dismay.

  He’d known Jared for barely a handful of days, he told himself for the hundredth time. Last night hadn’t been anything more than a hook-up. It was never intended to be anything more.

  Was it?

  No, no, no, no, it wasn’t. Jensen shook his head. It was a done deal. He’d been lusting after a very attractive man, fucked him, and now it was out his system.

  Time to forget about Jared Padalecki, he decided, grabbing his phone to-

  There was a text from Jared.

   Sorry for running out. Something came up.

  Coffee at 11am? Need to talk to you.

  Well, Jensen could do with some coffee, definitely. He started to type back an affirmative, then cursed when he saw the text was from 3 hours ago. How early had Jared woken up?

   Hey, just woke up - Jensen typed back.

   Let’s do lunch instead?

  Jared looked as tired as Jensen felt, but his smile was strained. “Hi. Sorry again for not being there in the morning.”

  “S’fine,” Jensen waved it off, sliding into the seat. “Everything okay, whatever you needed to take care of?”

  “Yeah, just Genevieve, my agent, wanting to meet about some promotional stuff.” He shook his head. “Anyway, uh…” He fidgeted, biting his lip.

  Jensen tipped his head curiously. “You said you needed to talk?”

  Jared nodded, taking a deep breath. “Last night- I’m guessing you’ve already realized I don’t usually do that. I mean- I guess I used to, but then I was in relationship for two years- that’s not the point, I just haven’t done casual hook-ups in a while- but then, you said that-”

  “You ramble worse than I do,” Jensen cut in, teasing.

  Jared huffed. “Yeah. Sorry. Just…” He propped his elbow on the table, running a hand through his hair in frustration. “I like you, Jensen. I thought we could be friends. I mean, I want us to be friends.” His shoulders lifted in an oddly stiff gesture. “I uprooted my whole life from LA to move here, and left behind my two best friends. I don’t know when I’ll go back. And I just… It felt lonely. Until I met you and…”

  “And?” Jensen prompted, feeling almost awed by the fumbling confession.

  “And you made me laugh,” Jared said quietly, looking down at the table. “That first day I came to your office, all we did was talk about the photoshoot for two hours. When I went home, my sister told me I looked happier than I had in almost a year.”

  “I’m glad,” Jensen murmured, not even lying to himself about the spark of pride he felt at those words.

  Jared looked up at him. “Do you think that makes me selfish?” He asked, sounding genuinely worried. “That I want you around because you make me feel good about myself, my life…?”

  “Jared, it’s not selfish to want to be happy,” Jensen told him. “For what it’s worth, I want us to be friends too. And we can’t exactly do that if I make you feel miserable, can we?”

  Jared gave a timid smile. “When you put it that way…”

  “I’m usually right,” Jensen informed. “Get used to it.”

  “Again with being an asshole?” Jared asked dryly.

  “It’s part of my charm,” he defended haughtily and beamed when Jared’s smile grew wider. “So, if we’ve got that out of the way… You wanna actually order something now?”

  “Let’s,” Jared agreed and raised his arm to flag a waiter.

   Friends , he thought, as Jared’s collar parted a bit to reveal a hickey that Jensen very clearly remembered putting there. That’s not gonna be easy.

Chapter Text

  Jared hooked his chin over Stephen’s shoulder, staring at his laptop. “Morning.”

  Stephen had stopped startling every time they touched, but he still took a second to lean back against Jared’s chest. “Morning.”

  “Work?”

  “Yeah, we’re kinda stuck handling this new business model that everyone’s still getting used to,” he muttered. “So, lots of putting out fires.”

  Jared hummed, sneaking his fingers up Stephen’s shirt. “I’ve been reading my books.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, the first one is pretty much how I remember it,” Jared said. “The second one… Honestly, I always had the sequel planned out, but the published ending is a lot darker than I remember intending it to be.”

  Stephen raised his hand to touch Jared’s wrist. “You were in a dark place at the time,” he said slowly, cautiously.

  “What? Why?” Jared asked with a frown, moving a bit to be able to see Stephen’s face.

  Stephen didn’t answer, just leveled him with a slightly sad, apologetic look.

  “Right,” Jared muttered dryly, feeling a little let down. “You can’t tell me.”

  “I’m sorry.” Stephen had looked away from him again. “But you know we can’t- we can’t risk just telling you stuff. If you remember it on your own, that’s fine, but…”

  “But you can’t tell me,” Jared repeated. “Yeah, I know. It’s okay.” He sighed, backing away and running a hand through his hair.

  “What about the other book?” Stephen asked suddenly. “The love story- Waiting on the Right Time- did you read it?”

  “Yeah, that was the first one I read.”

  “And?”

  Jared smiled slightly. “I never thought I’d write a love story. But I think I did it pretty well- I mean, I definitely like it. I think it’s good.”

  “Yeah,” he said quietly, not meeting his eyes.

  “How could it not be?” Jared went on in a quieter voice. “It’s dedicated to you.”

  Stephen’s eyes squeezed shut- he reached out for Jared blindly, pulling him into a hard kiss that Jared returned with the same fervor. They stumbled back a little, Stephen turning them around to push Jared against the desk. He scrambled to keep up, a little surprised by the ferocious way Stephen’s hands moved under his T-shirt, the way he seemed to almost desperately need the warmth of skin on skin.

  “Wait, wait, Steph-” Jared’s half-hearted appeal to slow down cut itself off when Stephen’s fingers were suddenly undoing his jeans, slipping into his boxers. His hips bucked forward into the light touch, moaning into the kiss before Stephen broke it.

  Jared closed his eyes shut tightly, head falling back a little as Stephen drew out his cock, taking him almost halfway into his own mouth.

 Jared couldn’t remember the last time a simple blowjob had felt almost… Desperate. Stephen’s hands were tight around his thighs, and Jared could almost feel the graze of teeth along the length of his cock, shivering at the sensation.

  “I’m close,” he whimpered. “Steph…” He sank his fingers into Stephen’s hair, glancing down and-

  Close-cropped brown hair.

  Jared’s orgasm took him by surprise somehow, and his vision blurred for a second, the sight of Stephen on his knees fractured through with something else, some one else.

  “Jared?”

  He opened his eyes, not knowing when he’d closed them, and found Stephen gazing up at him with darkened eyes.

  “I’m okay,” Jared said, panting like he’d been the one sucking his boyfriend off. “More than okay, Steph, I swear, I just- where’d that come from? Not that I’m complaining,” he hurried to add, pulling the other man up.

  Stephen cupped his face, but didn’t answer. His other hand ran over Jared’s chest, around his back, down to the swell of his ass, like he was reacquainting himself with the contours of Jared’s body.

  “Just missed you,” Stephen finally answered and Jared hated that he felt a second of doubt.

  “I’ve been right here,” he replied, offering a smile.

  Stephen nodded, kissing him. “You know what?” He murmured. “Screw work, they can survive one day without me.” He pulled back just enough to see Jared’s face. “How about we go out for the day?”

  Jared blinked at him in surprise. “The whole day? Sure you can afford it?”

  “I’ll take the risk,” he bit back with a chuckle.

  “I’d love that,” Jared said, softer. “Where are we going?”

  “LA’s changed since you’ve last been- since you last remember.”

  Jared forced himself to ignore the slip-up. “Sounds good.”

  Stephen squeezed his hand. “You go clean up. I’ll let the office know and join you, then we’re out of here.”

  Jared nodded, giving him a quick kiss, and went up to the bathroom. But when he looked up in the mirror above the sink, landing on the scar on his right temple…

  What was that he’d seen? Just for a second, when his climax had hit, he’d looked down at Stephen and… Seen something in his own head. As if a part of him had expected… Different hair. Different eyes. A different set of lips.

  “Stop it,” Jared told his reflection sternly. “You’re with Stephen. He loves you. You’re living the life you wanted.”

  “But I don’t remember it!” A part of him tried to protest. “How can it be real to me if I don’t recognize any part of it?”

  Jared looked away from the mirror. It didn’t matter. Whatever he kept seeing in his head, in his dreams- it was just his screwed up brain making a mess of whatever fragments of memories were buried deep in his consciousness.

  Stephen would make sure that Jared knew everything he needed to. And not just Stephen- his family, Sandy and Chad… Jensen…

  A sharp pain bloomed hotly behind his eyelids- it was gone in a second, taking with it the sensation of soft kisses being pressed to the corners of his eyes.

  Stephen had been right: Los Angeles had changed in the years Jared had missing from his memory.

  Shops he remembered were gone, new ones opened up in its place. The library was, thankfully, still there. They swung by Chad’s tattoo parlor- the man himself was busy in the back with a client, so they didn’t wait there. Stephen had gotten cagey there- he’d never really warmed up to Chad. Few people did, to be fair.

  You, Jensen, and me- we had plans that night before your accident… Well, seemed that Jensen Ackles got along with Chad just fine.

  “Ready for dinner?” Stephen asked, nudging Jared out of his thoughts.

  Jared nodded fervently, deciding the pit in his stomach was hunger, not loss. “Yes, please. Where?”

  “The Old Place,” Stephen said firmly. “Best rib-eye steaks- your favorite, even if these aren’t quite as good as in Texas- and chicken pot pie. And they have this little wine shop next door.”

  “The Old Place,” Jared repeated thoughtfully. “Sounds familiar, have we-”

  Pain zipped through his head, right behind his eyelids, so sharp it made his knees buckle. Stephen caught him, alarmed voice calling his name, but Jared couldn’t hear, couldn’t think past the black spots dancing in his vision, couldn’t breathe without his chest aching, his heart beating too fast-

  “So what’d you think?” Jensen asked, chin in hand.

  “I think I want to marry this beef stew,” Jared said seriously, staring down at his bowl. “Do you think that’s possible? Please? Can I marry the beef stew?”

  Jensen rolled his eyes. “How are you planning on eating it if you’re legally wedded?”

  “Well-”

  “Also, how dare you cheat on the rib-eye?”

  “Don’t be silly,” Jared snorted. “One is a marriage, one is a lifelong affair.”

  He got a stifled smile and an eye-roll. “You’re not half as funny as you think you are.”

  “Fuck you, I’m hilarious.”

  “You’re an idiot, that's what you are.”

  Something in Jared melted at Jensen’s soft voice. “Hey. Thanks for bringing me here.”

  Jensen shrugged. “I knew you’d love it.”

  “I don’t just mean the restaurant, Jen.”

  “I just thought that you-”

  Jared woke up in the hospital. For a second, he felt crippling fear- how many years had he lost this time? How many-

  “Jared?”

  He turned his head to find Stephen sitting in the chair, looking worried. “Hey, how you feeling?”

  “Steph,” he mumbled, mouth tasting like dry cotton. “Wha’ year is it?”

  The question made Stephen smile. “Still 2021. You’ve been unconscious for about 14 hours.”

  Jared breathed out in relief. “The fuck happened?”

  “Doctor says you might have remembered something big,” he explained. “Something important. Your brain kind of… Shut down to process it.”

  “Oh,” Jared mumbled.

  Stephen looked at him a little hesitantly. “What did you remember?”

  He looked down at his hands, shrugging. “Doesn’t seem like anything big, just dinner at some fancy restaurant.”

  “With…?”

  Why would he ask that? As if he knew the answer wasn’t the obvious one.

  “Wasn’t really clear,” Jared said in a soft voice- he wasn’t sure why he was lying, but something made him reluctant to tell Stephen. At least not until he was sure of a few things himself.

  “Alright, you wait for a minute,” Stephen said, standing. “I’ll call the doctor, let her know you’re awake. And…”

  “What?”

  Stephen looked like he was having trouble swallowing. “Jensen Ackles is waiting outside. Called him as soon as we got here.”

  Jared stared at him. “Why would you do that?”

  He looked taken aback at the question. “I… Uh, he’d asked me to keep him updated. No matter what happened.”

  “And he’s here?”

  “Yeah…”

  “Send him in,” Jared said through a clenched jaw that made his head ache.

  Stephen, looking worried, gave a small nod, and stepped out of the ward. In less than a minute, the door was opening again, and Jensen stepped in.

  “Hey,” he greeted, dark hollows under his eyes, hair unkempt and greasy. It was possibly the least attractive Jared had seen him so far, and yet, he was still probably the best-looking person in the building.

  “How long have you been here?” Jared demanded.

  Jensen blinked at him. “What?”

  “Stephen said he called you as soon as it happened,” he elaborated. “And judging by the state of you, it looks like you’ve been here for a while. So, how long?”

  Jensen stared at a spot on the floor. “You’ve been out for 14 hours.”

  “Yeah, I know that, Stephen told me-” He paused, eyes widening. “You’ve been here for 14 hours?!”

  Jensen shrugged, looking tired, and Jared felt a stabbing ache in his chest that drained all his annoyance away. “Why?” He asked.

  “I didn’t have anywhere else to be,” Jensen replied, collapsing heavily into the chair Stephen had occupied. “You were hurt- I got worried.”

  “Not like I was alone,” Jared mumbled.

  Jensen smiled- it looked strained, not even reaching his eyes, and it brought a lump to Jared’s throat. “I know. I’m kind of a mother hen- according to you, I could make a profession out of it.”

   According to you .

  “According to me?” Jared asked out loud, voice trembling.

  Jensen’s smile faded a little. “Yeah… Yeah, it’s what you say to tease me every time you get sick and I get overbearingly protective trying to take care of you.”

  There was so much in those few words. All of them things that Jared didn’t know.

  He was barely aware of when he started to shake, but all of a sudden, there was no air in his lungs. He had a flash of memory of the last time he’d woken up in the hospital, when Jensen had been the one to calm down his panic attack-

  But this wasn’t that, this was just…

  He was crying. Sobs tore up his throat, tears streaming down his cheeks. With his vision blurred, he didn’t see Jensen move, but he heard him curse and then there was warmth at his side, arms wrapped around his back and shoulders.

  Jared sank into it, clutching weakly at Jensen’s shirt. “Why can’t I remember?” He asked, hating how much it sounded like begging. “I can’t remember anything, Jensen, I can’t remember you , and I-”

  “Shh, Jared, it’s okay,” Jensen whispered. His fingers curled around the back of Jared’s neck, thumb stroking back and forth behind his ear. “It’s okay, you’re okay…”

  Jared sobbed into his shoulder, his whole body trembling. He was dimly aware of the door opening and Jensen’s arms tightening around him. Probably the doctor, a corner of his mind guessed when he heard the door closing. He curled into Jensen more, trying to steady himself.

  When he felt like he had his breathing under control, he suddenly became aware of how tightly he was holding on to Jensen, and embarrassment overtook him.

  “Sorry,” he whispered, starting to pull away. “Guess that was a long time coming.”

  “It’s alright,” Jensen said just as softly, and somehow, Jared ended up not pulling away. “Feeling any better?”

  “Yeah,” he sighed. “Sorry for all the snot on your shoulder.”

  Jensen chuckled and his nose brushed lightly against Jared’s cheek. “It’s happened more times than you’d think,” he assured.

  Jared lifted his head just enough to meet Jensen’s eyes. “Really?”

  “Yeah, you cry a lot during movies, you know,” he replied, and his forehead rested against Jared’s, and Jared felt a sense of calm wash over him.

  “I know I do,” he mumbled. “Stephen teases me about it all the time.”

  Jensen suddenly jerked away an inch and whatever peace Jared had achieved suddenly broke. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

  “Nothing.” Jensen’s smile was different now, as he lightly tucked back Jared’s hair. “Just… What did you remember?”

  Jared blinked in surprise- he’d almost forgotten about it, but now, the itchiness of his eyes and the dryness of his eyes returned, and he cleared his throat uncomfortably.

  Jensen offered him the glass of water and he took it gratefully, sipping slowly to procrastinate.

  “I was at a restaurant,” Jared finally said. “With you.”

  Jensen nodded. “We’ve, uh… Been to a lot of those.”

  “Really?” Jared asked again.

  “Yeah, we… Like a lot of the same stuff,” Jensen explained. “So… We go out together a lot for dinner, movies, and… Stuff.”

  A simple explanation. As most confusions usually had. Jared had no reason not to believe it, but something nagged at him. He couldn't put his finger on it, but-

  There was a knock on the door and Jensen moved away from Jared in the very next second. Dr Rhodes poked her head in. “Hello, Jared. How’re you feeling?”

  “Good,” Jared mumbled, looking over Rhodes’ shoulder where Stephen stood with a strangely hard look on his face.

  “That’s good.” She looked at Jensen pointedly.

  He stood hurriedly, flushed red. “I’ll… Yeah, I’ll be outside.” He brushed past her and Stephen, disappearing before Jared could have said anything.

  What did he have to say to him anyway?

Chapter Text

  Stephen was at the office. Jared sat in front of his laptop. He’d been staring at a blank screen for forty minutes now, but his vague ideas of a Wild West adventure seemed to have left along with Stephen.

  He hated when that happened.

  Giving up for a moment, Jared stood, stretched, and headed to the kitchen. His head didn’t swim, which was a relief- the first two days after returning from the hospital, every step had made him feel as if he’d faint like an old Hollywood damsel.

  He pulled out leftover pasta from the fridge, ignoring the pang of nostalgia in his stomach. Who the fuck gets sentimental about fucking pasta?

  His phone rang with a text. Jared glanced at the clock: one pm. Right on time.

  Jensen: How you feeling?

  Jared replied with a thumbs up, just as he’d done the last couple days. But this time, half a minute later, Jensen called. That was new.

  Jared picked up with his breaths coming a little shorter. “Hey.”

   “Hi. You really doing okay?” Jensen sounded cautious.

  “Should I not be?” Jared asked, just to give him a hard time.

   “Wha- no, of course, not!” Jensen exclaimed. “Just checking in.”

  “Like you aren’t already keeping tabs through Stephen?” Jared felt only a little guilty for acting this way.

  Jensen clicked his tongue slightly. “Yeah, I try to, but… I’d rather hear it from you.”

  That was probably true. Jared often got the sense that, for whatever reason, Jensen and Stephen did not get along. He wasn’t too keen on examining that.

  “Well, thanks,” he said, trying to gentle his voice. “But I’m fine.”

   “Right.” Jensen sounded wrong-footed, awkward. “Um… Stephen at home?”

  “Nope, office.”

   “Hmm. Okay. Uh, you wanna…?” There was a short pause. “Wanna do something? Go out for lunch, or just catch up in the evening…?”

  Jared bit his lip, trying to quell the way he wanted to take Jensen up on that. “Actually, I’m kinda busy today.”

  Jensen seemed to wait for more information, then gave a soft sigh. “Yeah. Okay. Well… Call me if you need anything?”

  “Sure, yeah. Thanks.”

  He could almost hear Jensen’s swallow. “Bye, Jared.”

  “Bye.” He ended the call before he could lose his nerve.

  The breathlessness he’d felt was… Excitement. Eagerness. Now he felt weighed down.

  Jared stared off into space, thinking about the last time he’d seen Jensen, how he’d practically broken down in the man’s arms. He’d been embarrassed about it later, then guilty. How must that have looked to Stephen, his boyfriend finding comfort with another guy?

  Did Jensen even realize that that was why Jared was avoiding him? Or had the incident not even registered as something out-of-the-ordinary for him?

  What was it Jensen had said? “You’ve cried on me a lot of times before.”

  He’d sounded so fond, so indulgent. Like it was another Tuesday for him to take care of Jared.

  What did it mean?

  Jared rubbed his eyes, shoveling spoonfuls of pasta into his mouth with a glum air. He wished he could just ask Stephen about it, but he knew that was a bad idea. He just didn’t know why.

  Huh. Well, that was a good line. At least there was that.

  Putting Jensen firmly out of mind, Jared sat down to write again. Before he could so much as type a word, his phone rang again.

  ‘Genevieve Cortese’, the caller ID read.

  Right. That was his agent. Because he apparently had an agent now.

  “Um, hello?” Jared answered, uncertain.

  There was a snort. “Oh, that’s nice, hello , he says. Tell me: how long has it been since you got out of the hospital? Long enough for you to call me, isn’t it?”

  She’d get along with Chad, Jared thought. “I’m sorry?”

  “Good.” The woman’s tone turned professional. “We’re meeting for lunch. The Hideaway, half an hour.”

  Jared blinked and looked at his unfinished pasta. It could wait till dinner. “Okay. Should I come alone or…?”

  “Jared, it’s just to discuss PR, not plan an assassination.” He could almost hear the eye-roll. “It’s up to you.”

  “Okay, I’ll be there-”

  “Good. See you.” The call ended.

  Jared should probably call Stephen; but he was busy at the office. Jensen? No, he was trying to avoid that man, Jared reminded himself. Chad or Sandy?

  He bit his lip in thought. Screw it. He didn’t need a chaperone to do everything.

  He grabbed the car keys, then paused. Might as well call a cab instead of doing everything all at once.

  And in the interest of prudency… Jared texted Jensen: meeting with my agent. anything i should know?

  The reply came almost instantly. Don’t let her intimidate you. Go along with what she says, she’s yet to be wrong.

  Had Jensen been waiting for a text? Jared wondered, as he sent back another thumbs-up. He shook the thought off and called a cab.

  Genevieve turned out to be petite and pretty, with dark hair and darker eyes that looked almost scary. But her smile was warm, almost teasing. “Heard you took another trip to the hospital. You making this a habit?”

  Jared felt at ease immediately, settling down on the opposite chair. “I’m trying not to.” 

  “Hmm.”

  For a moment, they sized each other up, Jared with curiosity and Genevieve with concern. Her eyes lingered on the slowly fading wound on his temple. She sighed.

  “It’s been about a month,” she said. “I’d issued an official statement while you were being operated, but people need an update.”

  “They do?”

  She chuckled. “You’re popular, Jared. A hot young queer writer with a clear range of genres? Never out of fashion.” She took a careful pause. “Add to that your will they-won’t they drama with Ackles and you’re like catnip to the youngsters.”

  “I’m sorry, my what with Ackles?” Jared demanded, suddenly feeling cold all over.

  Genevieve stared at him. “You two are very close. You’re seen together a lot. He’s hot. You have good chemistry.”

  “I’m with-”

  “Your boyfriend has a busy life completely separate from yours,” she said airily. “And none of you like being open about your private life, which means practically no one knows you two are dating. On the contrary, like I said, you and Jensen are like baby ducklings who imprinted on each other. Everyone assumes you’re together and his agent and I decided it wasn’t a bad idea to let that assumption exist. Win-win for both of you.”

  The coldness in Jared receded, but it left a strange emptiness. “So… Just a publicity stunt.”

  “Yep.” She popped the consonant, examining her nails.

  “Stephen didn’t mention anything about it,” he mumbled. “Neither did Jensen.”

  “He probably didn’t think to,” she reasoned. “It’s not like you two put in any planning or effort into the thing- you just be yourselves and people happen to like what they see. As for Amell-” Her smile was sharp, brittle. “Again: his life is completely separate from yours.”

  There was something in the way she said it that made it sound… Well, he wasn’t sure, but he didn’t like it.

  “You don’t like him,” he said without thinking.

  Genevieve stared at him, as if gauging her next words. “Honestly, Jared? Not many of us do.”

  “Us?”

  “Your friends.”

  The blunt admission made him feel nauseated. “Why?” He dared to ask.

  She opened her mouth readily enough, then sighed. “Look, we’ve got our reasons. We’re not sure you’re ready to know them. Well, I think you are,” she corrected. “But the rest disagree.”

  Jared stared back at her. “What?”

  She smiled again, but this was softer. “You think Jensen’s the only one who’s been keeping tabs on you? We’re all in on it. We all want what’s best for you, Jared. Even if that means very elaborate stage directions on how much to tell you and how much to lie about and how to nudge you in the right direction.”

  It was the most manipulative thing he’d ever heard of. But he couldn’t not notice the way Genevieve kept glancing at his wound in worry, the way Chad and Sandy showed up to see him for no reason, the way his siblings called him more often than they ever had before. He couldn’t be mad at them for it.

  If anything, it left a warm feeling in his stomach.

  Except…

  “So there’s stuff you guys are lying to me about?” He asked carefully.

  Genevieve bit her lip. “I’m gonna get an earful for this,” she muttered. “But… Yes. Your life’s changed a lot in six years, Jared. Some of those changes can send you into shock. It can be hard to cope with. So, yeah, your doctor advised not to tell you everything all at once. So… A few lies.”

  “White lies?” He asked hopefully.

  She shook her head. “There are a few big ones.” She looked genuinely apologetic about it.

  “And everyone knows?”

  She cocked her head. “All of us know.”

   All of us. Not Stephen then. Why? Why didn’t Stephen know? Why didn’t his friends like him? Even Sandy, who usually found something to like in everyone, always got a little uncomfortable when Jared’s boyfriend was mentioned.

  What kind of secrets did Jared have that the person he loved couldn’t know about them?

  “Well.” Genevieve cleared her throat. “Shall we talk about what to tell the fans now?”

  It took three hours for Genevieve to explain how PR worked and coach him on what exactly to say. Apparently, he was scheduled to appear for an interview soon where he’d talk about his accident. Gen- as she assured he could call her- handed him a file to memorize. It was full of stuff he’d mentioned in previous interviews, what he could and couldn’t divulge, and more instructions on how to speak.

  She also promised to send him links to videos of himself, so he could “get an idea of how it works.”

  All-in-all, a daunting task.

  By the time he reached home, his mind was buzzing with the overload of information, and there was a tiny headache forming behind his eyes. As the cab pulled up in front of the house, he frowned at Jensen’s Impala standing outside.

  The man himself was speaking to Stephen. Both stood stiffly, Jensen’s arms crossed and Stephen’s hands clenched at his sides.

  Jared paid the driver and got out. Both of them turned in surprise, abruptly cutting off their conversation. Stephen looked tense, but it was Jensen’s face that caught Jared’s attention: there was bitter anger etched across his features, clearly visible in the cab’s headlights.

  “I’ll be inside,” Stephen said tersely, not even looking at Jensen as he walked back inside.

  Jared watched him go in confusion, then turned to Jensen. “Hey. What was that about?”

  Jensen hadn’t looked at Stephen again either, eyes fixed on Jared. The anger had drained away, leaving an exhausted smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Another lie to protect me?” Jared muttered without thinking.

  Jensen looked stunned, eyes going wide. Then he huffed. “Right. You spoke to Cortese.”

  “It was enlightening.” Jared sighed, rubbing his temple as he leaned against the Impala. Jensen’s eyes followed him, swallowing tightly.

  “You okay?” He asked.

  Jared shrugged. “Apparently, I’ve got an interview scheduled this weekend.”

  “Yeah, she did mention something about that,” he said, faux-casual.

  Jared shook his head. “Drop the act. I know how much you guys have all been discussing me behind my back.”

  Jensen paused. “You’re not mad?”

  “What makes you say that?”

  He shrugged.

  Jared smiled slightly. “Well, I guess I should be, but… I trust Chad and Sandy. My family. They’re people I know have got my best interests at heart.”

  Jensen returned the smile slightly and Jared thought to himself: you’re on that list too. He couldn’t explain why he trusted Jensen but he did.

  “I’m sorry for being so short with you this afternoon,” he said without thinking.

  “It’s alright-”

  “No, it’s not,” Jared corrected softly. “I just- I got freaked out, after the hospital. And what happened there.” He shifted awkwardly. “Didn’t want to deal with it and I took it out on you.”

  Jensen stared at him. He took a step closer, almost unconsciously. “Why’d you freak out?”

  Jared bit his lip, trying to understand the way Jensen’s eyes watched him. “I don’t know you,” he said honestly. “But you act like you know me better than anyone else. And sometimes, I feel like I should know you. Like at the hospital. I broke down- it was a long time coming and somehow, some part of me-” He took a deep breath, recalling the exact feeling. It was hard- this was more honest than he’d been about anything so serious in a long time. “Some part of me knew that I was safe to break down in front of you.”

  Jensen’s eyes were dark, heavy with pain. “Well.” His voice was strained. “Your instincts are spot-on. You are. Safe with me. Always.”

  Jared couldn’t take that gaze anymore; he averted his eyes, shifting away from Jensen a little, ignoring the pit in his chest. This intensity needed to be gone yesterday. “Guess my momma really meant it when she said you and I’d been through a lot together.”

  Jensen gave a choked laugh. “Your momma’s rarely been wrong.”

  “That’s true,” Jared agreed, chuckling along. He decided not to examine now just how close Jensen was to his family. “What about your folks? You’ve never mentioned anything…”

  “They’re in Texas too.”

  Jared hesitated- but they were supposed to be best friends, right? He already knew this stuff, even if the knowledge eluded him now. “Are you guys… Not close?”

  “Uh, not exactly ‘not close’, no,” Jensen explained. “Just not as tightly-knit. Apart from my sister, we Ackles aren't exactly the warm-and-fuzzy type.”

  “I think you’re plenty warm and fuzzy,” Jared countered sincerely.

  “Sacrilege,” Jensen accused with a little grin and a faint blush to the tops of his ears. “Don’t ruin my reputation.”

  “Right, of course, sorry,” Jared laughed.

  A light flickered on in the kitchen window and Jared could see Stephen’s hazy figure puttering about.

  “What were you guys arguing about?” He asked again.

  Instantly, the brief levity vanished. Jensen’s smile dropped, some of that anger returning as he shot a glare towards the house. “Jared, you can’t-”

  “Come on, just a little hint, you don’t have to tell me everything.” Jared cocked his head a little to catch his eyes. “Please?”

  Jensen squinted at him almost suspiciously. “Full-blown amnesia and the puppy eyes still work,” he muttered.

  Jared gave a sheepish shrug.

  Jensen glowered. “He feels like I’m going too fast with re-introducing you to your life. And I think he’s…” He trailed off, clearly being careful with his words. “Coddling you.”

  “Oh.” Jared didn’t know what to say to that. He could see both sides and staying firmly on the fence was probably the best stance for him right now. At least until he pieced together a few things himself. “So, um…” He cast his mind around for some other topic. “What are you doing here anyway? I’d told you I was going to see Gen.”

  “I figured you’d be back by now, and I wanted to see you.” He seemed to remember something, going around the car to open the passenger door.

  Jared bent to watch through the window as Jensen pulled out a spiral-bound folder that had been kept on the seat.

  Jared immediately knew what it was. “Is that-”

  “Manuscript.” Jensen handed it to him. “You’d been working on it since last year. Finished it right before the accident.”

  “I keep hard copies?” Jared asked, bemused.

  “Your publisher, Jeff, he’s a little old-fashioned. And you decided you liked it this way too.” Jensen rolled his eyes. “You say it makes you feel like a ‘proper author’, making physical notes and reading Jeff’s annotations, and everything.”

  “That sounds like me,” Jared agreed, gripping the file tightly. “You really think I’m ready to read this?”

  “I looked it over,” Jensen assured. “There’s nothing that would trigger some huge memory. Just a Wild West adventure.”

   A Wild West. Fucking… 

  Jared fell a little quiet. “Thank you, Jensen. Really.”

  “You’re welcome,” he murmured, looking away as he walked around the car again to the driver’s side. “I should go.”

  “Come in for dinner,” Jared offered, grabbing Jensen’s wrist as he opened the car door. “Please?”

  Jensen stared down at the contact. “I should go,” he said again, slowly freeing himself from Jared’s grip. “But thank you.”

  “Okay,” Jared mumbled, disappointed.

  Jensen got into the car almost hurriedly. “Goodnight, Jared.”

  “Good- oh, wait!” Jared bent again to look at him. “Gen said I’ll be going to New York for the interview.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “Anything I should know?” He asked pointedly.

  “No, I’ll be coming with you,” Jensen said. “She didn’t tell you that?”

  He shook his head, but he wasn’t really surprised. Of course, Jensen was coming with him. And on that note, he should probably ask Jensen about the other thing Genevieve had mentioned, about his readers assuming they were a couple. But he had a feeling the topic would bring Jensen's mood down. So he bit his tongue.

  “Well, thanks again,” he said instead. “Goodnight, Jen.”

  Jensen twitched, giving him an odd glance. But all he said was, “Goodnight.”

  Jared backed away, and watched him drive off. Only then did he become aware of how tightly he was still gripping the manuscript. Need welled up in his chest- not lust, but a desire he couldn’t pinpoint. He slowly walked towards the front door.

  Inside, Stephen was leaning over his laptop, but he seemed distracted, focusing on Jared immediately. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, of course.” Jared raised an eyebrow. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

  “What did you talk about?”

  “Are you checking up on me?” Jared asked- he tried to come off as amused, but internally, he felt a little annoyed.

  It felt different from his friends doing the same. He wasn’t sure why.

  “No! No, Jared, I just- worry.” He sounded almost placatory. “Ackles and I have never been close. We don’t really get along.”

  Jared felt his ire fade. “Why?” He asked. “Doesn’t seem right that my boyfriend and my best friend wouldn’t get along.”

  Stephen smiled then- it was bitter, like Jensen’s had been. “I’m assuming because, like all your other friends, he thinks I’m not good enough for you.”

  The words were said so matter-of-factly, it took Jared a minute to comprehend. “Why would they think that?” He asked softly, heart going out to the man.

  “Come on,” Stephen scoffed. “You said you remember us fighting.”

  Jared winced, nodding. “They all know about that?”

  “Chad and Sandy don’t know all the details,” Stephen said thoughtfully. “Your agent and publisher know even less. But your family knows all of it.”

  “And Jensen?”

  Stephen stared unseeingly at his laptop. “He knows everything too.”

  Jared pushed everything else away. He lay the manuscript carefully on the table and cupped Stephen’s face. “Hey.”

  Reluctantly, slowly, Stephen looked at him.

  “It was six years ago,” Jared reminded him. “We were practically kids. But it didn’t end back then and look at us now.”

  “You think they’re all holding a six-year-old fight against me?”

  “Well, no,” Jared admitted. “We’ve probably had other fights over the years. Maybe even really bad ones. But that’s not the point. The point is that we made it through all of that. Right?”

  It took a long time for Stephen to answer. “Right.”

  “They’re my friends, they’re just protective,” Jared reasoned. “And I love them, but they know better than to dictate my relationship. You and I know that we’re happy together.” He leaned forward, kissing him sweetly. “I love you, Stephen, okay?”

  The words hit like a bolt of lightning to them both- Stephen shuddered, kissing him again, deeper and rougher.

  Jared kissed back on instinct, while his own words echoed around his head. The desire in his chest grew stronger, still unquantifiable.

  But he pushed it away again- this was about him and Stephen. He wrapped his arms around him, pressing into the kiss more. “Come on, bedroom,” he whispered, wanting nothing more than to feel Stephen as close as possible.

  “You sure?” Stephen gasped, gripping him tighter, already moving them towards the staircase.

  “Definitely sure.” Jared pulled back just enough to look into his eyes. Dark blue eyes. “I love you.”

Chapter Text

  Jared didn’t remember ever flying in a private jet before. It had freaked him out a little, but Jensen and Genevieve had assured him it wasn’t normal. This was a special favor, because the interviewer was an old acquaintance of Genevieve and usually the first one to interview Jared on any project.

  Stephen had laughed at his worry and kissed him with a reminder that his company owned a private plane too.

  Jared decided not to question if he’d flown in it.

  “What are you thinking?”

  Jared blinked at Jensen, sitting on the opposite end of the coffee table- because first class on private planes had coffee tables. And kitchenettes. “Nothing.”

  Jensen’s eyebrow quirked up a little. The sunrise just outside the window illuminated the green of his eyes, his lashes appearing almost golden and his freckles standing out despite the winter air. He really was unfairly beautiful, but it was that raised eyebrow that made Jared’s chest tighten with sudden fondness.

  “You’re definitely thinking about something,” Jensen said, looking up completely from his laptop. “You’ve got that look.”

  “I don’t have a look,” Jared protested, earning a scoff. “Anyway, I’m just- this will be the first time Stephen and I have been apart since the accident.”

  Jensen’s expression didn’t change, but Jared could feel his displeasure at the topic.

  “What about the manuscript I gave you?” Jensen asked. “Did you read it?”

  Jared nodded, letting the diversion slide. “It was so weird- I had just started trying to write a Western earlier that day. And when I read the manuscript, it felt familiar. Like that’s exactly what I’d been trying to write.”

  “That’s good.” Jensen smiled at him. “Less work for you.’

  “I guess.” He bit his lip. “But honestly? Feels like cheating. I don’t remember writing it, but I can think of stuff I wanna change.”

  “Talk to Jeff,” Jensen advised. “He’s your publisher; you trust the guy when it comes to your writing and he’s got a soft spot for you.”

  “I was thinking of doing that,” Jared agreed. “But the last few days have been, um, busy.”

  “Busy?”

  Jared shrugged, staring out the window. The last few days had seen him mostly in bed with Stephen, whenever the latter was home from office- it was the last thing Jared wanted to say to Jensen.

  When all that followed was silence, Jared glanced back to find Jensen focused on his laptop again.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Touching up those photos we took around the city.” Jensen squinted at the screen, then pointed to his bag. “Mind getting my glasses?”

  “You have glasses?” Jared asked, even as his hand automatically unzipped the middle compartment of the backpack and found the glasses tucked into an inner pocket.

  Jensen hummed distractedly, putting them on one-handed. Jared stared at him, throat suddenly dry. 

  How had he known where to find the glasses in the backpack? Why did-

  “You can get some sleep, if you want,” Jensen said, not looking up. “We’ve still got about two hours left to reach. I’ll wake you before we land so you can freshen up.”

  “I- yeah, okay,” Jared mumbled and pulled his legs up on the seat.

  Jensen paused in his work. “Jay- you’ll kill your spine like that. There’s a bed through that curtain-”

  “I’m okay here,” Jared said quickly. “The seats are more than big enough and I’m flexible.” Which was true, but Jared really just didn’t want to move, nor was he feeling particularly sleepy.

  Jensen rolled his eyes. “Okay, Elastigirl. Go to sleep.”

  “Why do you remember Pixar characters?”

  “I have a toddler niece,” Jensen retorted. “Why do you recognize Pixar characters?”

  “Shut up,” Jared grumbled, resting his head against the window. He watched Jensen chuckle, eyes drifting back to the laptop, and despite himself, drifted off within minutes.

  Jared knocked on the door.

  There was a muffled groan and a yell of “Go away, Felicia!”

  He rolled his eyes and opened the door. “So you don’t want lunch or-” He stammered to a stop and just stared.

  Jensen brightened up at the sight of him. “Oh, it’s you. Sorry, I- is that ramen I can smell?”

  Jared didn’t really hear. He kept staring. “You have glasses?”

  Jensen blinked, then flushed red. “Um, yeah. I usually wear contacts when I’m in the office since I really only need them for work, but I’ve had a headache since morning- couldn’t be bothered to stick something onto my eyes.” He reached one hand out, waving his fingers. “Food. Give.”

  Jared placed the takeout on the desk and stared some more. Jensen, by all logical standards, looked terrible. His face was pale and freckle-less due to the cold, his hair was a mess, and he had dark circles from sleepless nights thanks to the demanding magazine photoshoot he was undertaking.

  Which really just meant that his eyes were greener than usual, his hair looked unbelievably soft, and exhaustion had shaved off his rough edges, making him seem almost… vulnerable.

  Jared really wanted to kiss him. The glasses were not helping.

  “Hey, earth to Gigantor!” Jensen snapped his fingers. 

  “They suit you,” Jared blurted out, sitting on the chair opposite Jensen.

  He blinked at him, then bit his lip, trying to kill a smile. “I have it on good authority that they make me look like a librarian.”

  Jared, pulling himself back together, huffed. “Well, it does. But a hot librarian.”

  “Aww, Jay, aren’t you sweet?” Jensen crooned sarcastically, but the smile broke out, pleased and shy, and Jared was dangerously close to suggesting they go back on their agreement to be just friends-

  “Jared, wake up.”

  He started awake, blinking up at Jensen standing over him, a hand on his shoulder.

  “Wake up,” Jensen repeated, something soft in his gaze. “We’re going to land in twenty minutes.”

  “Oh,” Jared mumbled, unfolding himself with a wince. The glasses were gone, he noticed.

  “Go freshen up, and don’t forget to dress warm, otherwise you’ll freeze to death the second you step out of the plane,” Jensen advised. “Once we land, you’re gonna be driven to the studio for makeup and prep instantly. I’m gonna go check us in at the hotel, then get to the studio in time for the interview.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” Jared said. “I can handle the interview.”

  “I know, but-”

  “Jensen, you can’t hold my hand everywhere,” Jared said firmly.

  He felt a little bad when Jensen winced. “But what if-”

  “I have my phone, I’ll call you if I need anything,” Jared promised.

  Jensen looked torn, biting the inside of his cheek. Jared couldn’t help a smile, cupping his face. Jensen froze.

  “I’ll be okay,” he said softly. “I’ll see you at the hotel.”

  “Jared…”

  “Please, Jen,” he implored. “You can’t always be there, right?”

  He looked like he wanted to argue. But slowly, he nodded, and pulled away. His lips brushed the slightest bit against Jared’s palm, making him shiver.

  It felt like a jolt to his nerves. He withdrew his hand, feeling awkward and embarrassed. What the fuck was wrong with him? Sure, he was an affectionate person by nature, but holding someone’s face was too intimate even for him. And Jensen probably didn’t enjoy or even put up with his touchiness.

   Yes, he did.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled.

  “S’fine.” Jensen cleared his throat and smiled tightly. “I’m used to you glomping all over me.”

  “Oh…”

  “And you’re right.” He sighed, turning rueful. “I’ll text you our hotel address and room number.”

  “Thank you,” Jared said sincerely, returning the smile.

  “Hello, Jared,” Mark Sheppard greeted, smiling. “It’s good to see you walking about.”

  “It’s good to be walking around,” Jared agreed. “I was practically restrained to the bed for a few weeks at the very start.” He clasped his hands together in his lap to hide their tremor. Though, under the blinding lights and dozen cameras, he doubted anything was missed.

  But Sheppard had assured him they’d take it slow and edit everything very stringently. Thank god for Genevieve having friends in high places.

  “Now, we know the official details about your accident,” Sheppard said. “Can you tell us anything more about it?”

  Jared mentally went over the bullet points Gen had given him, to cover up the fact of his amnesia. “Well, I was on my way to see a friend. Uh, I don’t remember the accident itself, but I woke up in the hospital…”

  “With Jensen Ackles, right? Your ‘best friend’?” He made air quotes with an air of teasing, not sarcasm.

  Jared couldn’t force himself to blush, but he didn’t have to fake the nervousness in his responding chuckle. “That’s right. He was right there when I woke up.” In fact, Jared recalled, he’d been there before Stephen.

  “That’s very touching,” Sheppard said genuinely. “I can’t imagine it’s been easy for all your friends and family while you recover?”

  “No,” he mumbled. “But they’ve been a great help.”

  “Of course. So, six months ago, you’d teased a new book,” Sheppard said. “Can you tell us anything more about it?”

  For a moment, Jared floundered horribly- what the fuck had he talked about?! What book?!

  Sheppard waited a moment, before casually adding, “I believe it was a Western…?”

  “Yes!” Jared exhaled a little too heavily in relief, managing to cover it with a smile that he hoped came across as excited. “A Wild West adventure. The initial draft was just a good old-fashioned mystery.”

  “But now it’s something different?”

  Jared nodded, the answer suddenly coming to him easily. “I’m thinking of adding a layer of romance to it. But a genuine one, not something like, I don’t know, James Bond or Indiana Jones.”

  Sheppard laughed. “Well, despite your protests to the same, your fans love the romantic aspects of your books the most, so I’m sure we’re all very excited to read it.”

  Jared hadn’t known that, but he felt a little bolstered, confidence seeping back into him. But not for long.

  “Now back to something your younger readers would love to know-” Sheppard paused, eyebrows raising dramatically. “Are you ever going to address the rumors about yourself and Jensen Ackles?”

  Jared gave a surprised huff of laughter. “Um… Well…” He ran a hand through his hair, then immediately regretted it, knowing it would be taken as the anxious tick it was. “No.”

  “No?”

   No definitive answers about confidential things, Gen had said. Fuck.

  “I mean-” Jared scrambled, trying to work out a believable answer and to not glance directly into one of the cameras. “I wouldn’t wanna disappoint people with a confirmation or a denial. Either his fans will come after me with pitchforks, or mine will go after him.”

  “Fair enough,” Sheppard agreed good-naturedly. “So, with this life-altering incident…”

  Jared collapsed in the hotel lobby. He felt drained- the interview had gone on for almost two hours, with lots of cuts for break times. Sheppard had been just as warm and inviting off camera, but it was hard to speak openly with someone who didn’t even know that Jared was missing six years of memory. 

  After about thirty minutes, he’d started talking on autopilot; he was pretty sure he hadn’t slipped up too badly or given anything major away. If he had, they wouldn’t know until the interview was aired.

  Jared wasn’t sure he had the energy to go up to the room and speak to Jensen now. He pulled out his phone, opening up Stephen’s chat. After a minute of overthinking, he called him.

  Stephen picked up after three rings. “Hey.”

  “Hi,” Jared said quietly. “Were you busy?”

   “Not really. Weekend means less meetings than usual.” Stephen paused. “What about you, how’s it going over there?”

  “Just finished up the interview.” Jared tipped his head back on the luxurious couch, staring at the high ceiling. “It was… Harder than I thought it would be.”

   “And… What’s Jensen up to?” He asked, voice guarding.

  Jared frowned, feeling a smidge of annoyance. “Why are you even asking about him?”

  “I just…” Stephen sighed, then said in a rush, “I don’t like the idea of you being alone with him.”

  The annoyance flared up. “He’s my best friend.”

  “Yes, but-”

  “I know you don’t like him, Stephen, but you don’t get to interfere in my friendships.”

  Stephen was quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” Jared muttered, suddenly feeling tired. “I’ll call you later.”

  “Jared-”

  “Bye, Stephen.” He ended the call, dropping the phone next to him on the couch. He stared at the ceiling some more.

  The phone rang and he picked it up without looking. “Stephen, I said I’ll call later, I don’t wanna talk right now.”

  “I understand that, JT, but do you have time for your mother?”

  Jared cursed internally, sitting up straighter. “Sorry, sorry, mom. Hi. Sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” she laughed. “What’s happened with you and Stephen?”

  “Nothing,” he replied automatically. “He’s… We just had a little disagreement.”

  “About what?”

  He shook his head. “Just… I wanted to talk to him about how hard it’s been to do the interview. You know, without letting the amnesia slip. But he just-” He paused, not wanting to tell the entire truth here. It wouldn’t be fair to Stephen. “-he got distracted by something else. It made me mad.”

  “I see,” she murmured.

  “Don’t worry about it, mum, I’m fine,” Jared hurried to assure. “I’ll talk to him later.”

  She hummed thoughtfully. “How’s New York?”

  “New York’s fine,” he sighed. “Haven’t had much chance to see around- we had literally just landed when I got whisked off to the studio.”

  “So the interview is entirely over now?”

  “Yeah, I just got back at the hotel a few minutes ago. Gonna go up to the room in a bit. See if Jensen feels up to going out for lunch.”

  “How is Jensen?” She asked, and there was a note of something else in her voice now.

  Jared felt his own guard rise. “He’s fine. Why wouldn’t he be?”

  She sighed. “Nothing, dear. He keeps me updated about you when you can’t call- he always sounds so… Well, I worry about him. He’s a part of this family.”

  “He is?” Immediately, Jared felt bad for getting defensive. But the suspicion didn’t leave. Why was Jensen so close to his family? Why was Jared’s mother so worried about him? “Mom… I don’t know what you’re talking about. What exactly is worrying you here? He seems fine to me.”

  She didn’t answer for a long time. “You’ll have to ask him yourself.”

  He bit back his frustration. “Yeah, alright, momma,” he muttered. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

  “Bye, Jay.”

  “Bye.” He pocketed the phone and stood. After a moment of consideration, he made his way to their room.

  He was going to talk to Jensen about a few things, he decided. Namely, what was the real root of him and Stephen hating each other, and why did Jared’s mom always ask after him whenever she talked to Jared?

  But the second he opened the hotel room door, he felt himself freeze. Jensen was sitting on one of the beds, laptop open, and he smiled up at him.

  “Hey. How’d it go?”

  He was wearing his glasses again. Jared’s throat felt just as dry as it had on the plane.

  Jensen frowned. “Jared?”

  “They suit you,” Jared blurted out.

  Jensen went completely still, staring right back. “What?”

  “The glasses,” he mumbled. “They suit you.” There was something lodged in his chest, like an urge to scream or punch something. 

  “Thanks,” Jensen said quietly, looking away from him.

  Jared hesitated, trying to breathe. “Is your… Do you have a headache?”

  Jensen tensed. “What makes you say that?”

  “You get headaches when it’s cold…” He trailed off and his vision blurred for a moment-

  “Jared, Jared, hey!” A hand grabbed his arm, pulling him until he found himself sitting on the bed.

  Jared blinked hard, trying to get the world to stop spinning. A glass of water was pressed to his lips and he drank it messily, choking when he swallowed too fast.

  “Hey, easy, easy,” Jensen soothed, taking the glass back. He rubbed down Jared’s back, holding Jared’s hand tightly.

  “What was that?” Jared asked weakly, finally able to lift his head.

  Jensen’s brow was furrowed in deep concern, eyes soft behind the glasses. “You tell me. You just went all pale and started hyperventilating.”

  Jared shook his head. “I don’t know. I just… Remembered something? I think. It was more of a feeling.”

  “What kind of feeling?” Jensen asked carefully.

  Jared looked up at him. “You’re still holding my hand.”

  Looking torn, Jensen slowly let go. Jared folded his own hands together, feeling cold.

  “What kind of feeling?” Jensen asked again.

  “I don’t know how to explain it,” he mumbled, looking away. “Just a feeling.”

  “And what you said about my headache?”

  “It just came to me, I don’t know,” Jared said truthfully.

  For a long moment, Jensen just looked at him. Like he was searching for something in Jared’s eyes. Whatever it was, he didn’t find it, turning away with a look of disappointment that made Jared’s insides twist.

  “Jensen-”

  “Did you talk to your mom? She’d called me earlier, asking when you’d be free to talk.”

  “Yeah,” Jared sighed, feeling whiplashed. “Just spoke to her and Stephen in the lobby.”

  He just hummed, gaze trained onto his laptop again.

  “Jensen?”

  “Yeah?”

  Jared opened his mouth, then closed it again. The words “Why are you so close to my family?” suddenly seemed too heartless and cruel to say out loud.

  “My mom’s worried about you too,” he said instead, careful to keep his tone light.

  Jensen shrugged. “She thinks I’m too lonely.”

  “Are you?”

  “No.” He hesitated. “I mean, I used to be. Only really had Felicia. My assistant-slash-secretary.”

  Jared pulled his phone out. “I think she’s in my contacts list.” He scrolled through it, not looking up. “Chris is that friend you mentioned, right? The crazy one?”

  “Yeah, that’s my version of Chad,” Jensen confirmed. “Chris Kane.”

  “Who’s Dani?”

  To his surprise, Jensen turned a little red. “Um… Model. Danneel.”

  Jared felt his eyes widen. “Danneel Harris?”

  “Yep.” He popped the last letter, resolutely not looking up.

  “Why is she in my contacts list?!”

  “Uh, you’re just acquaintances,” he assured. “You don’t really talk much.”

  “But she’s your friend?” He pressed. “How?”

  “I was one of the first people to photograph her,” he hedged. “We stayed in touch.”

  Jared stared at him for a moment. “You hooked up.”

  He nodded tightly, lips pursed. “Ages ago. Uh, before we even met. After… After breaking off a really long relationship.”

  “Oh.” Jared wasn’t entirely sure what to say. “Sorry.”

  He shook his head. “Nah. That was over long before we actually said the words. He’d cheated, I was distant…”

  Jared nodded, letting it go. “So you and Danneel…”

  “Didn’t go anywhere,” he said hurriedly. “I mean- we might have tried dating, but then I met-” He stumbled over his words, almost visibly biting his tongue.

  “Who?” Jared asked, trying to place the nausea he could feel rising.

  “Nothing. Doesn’t matter. Danni and I weren’t compatible anyway.”

  “Then why are you all red?”

  “Because, um… You never liked her much.”

  “Why not?” Jared asked- it was rare for him to dislike someone.

  Jensen just gave a shrug.

  Jared looked down at his phone again, lost. He didn’t like one of Jensen’s friends, a girl he used to hook up. Fine. He didn’t need to know the reason; maybe she just rubbed him wrong. Maybe she was vapid and shallow and Jensen deserved better. Maybe she’d hurt Jensen somehow. Maybe, maybe, maybe- it didn’t matter.

  Jensen didn’t like Stephen either. Which reminded him…

  “I didn’t have Stephen’s contact on my phone.”

  That made Jensen look at him again, but Jared didn’t meet his eyes. “When I checked my phone after the hospital, I mean. Stephen’s contact wasn’t on it.”

  Jensen closed his eyes. “It was… A new phone. Yours had gotten banged up in the accident. I’d managed to get the data restored and transferred.”

  “Still doesn’t explain why I didn’t have his number saved.” Jared turned to face him properly. “There’s something you guys aren’t telling me. Something about me and Stephen.”

  There was genuine pain written over Jensen’s face. “Jay… We can’t. You can’t know.”

  “Why not?” He tried to beat his frustration down. “Why can’t you tell me at least a little?”

  “Honestly? Apart from the fact that it might send you into shock?” Jensen gave a hollow laugh. “You won’t even believe me. There are other things you need to know- to remember, before we can tell you the rest.”

  “You don’t know that, I might believe you.”

  “I know you, Jared.” He smiled sadly. “Trust me, there’s nothing I want more than for you to know everything.”

  “But you still won’t tell me,” Jared said miserably.

  Jensen took a deep breath, rubbing his temple. “You know those city-based photoshoots I told you about? That we do together?”

  Jared bit back his protests at the topic change. “Yeah.”

  “I always use a photo of you as a cover,” he said. “I avoid models for my personal stuff, but Felicia said people tend to go for albums with someone on the cover. Since you’re always around…”

  “You want to use a photo of me for the L.A. one?” Jared filled in. “Do you have one? You didn’t take any of me that day…”

  Jensen smirked a little, almost mischievous. He turned his laptop around to show Jared the screen. It was a photo of him, packed equipment bags next to him, leaning against a cracked pillar at the abandoned zoo. He was gazing up at the sky, eyes half-lidded, everything washed golden in the light of the setting sun.

  “It’s beautiful,” Jared murmured.

  “Thank you.” Jensen tipped his head slightly, as if to see his expression better. “So do you mind?”

  “No,” Jared replied without needing to think. “You can use it.”

  “Thanks,” he said again, softer, and he swayed forward for a second, just an inch.

  Then he straightened again. “Why don’t you go wash that makeup off? I’ll finish off here, then we can see about lunch?”

  Jared nodded, standing, forcing his thoughts to focus. “Give me ten minutes. I want to shower off the plane smell.” He grabbed a change of clothes and headed towards the bathroom, He paused at the door. “Don’t forget to take Advil- I think I packed some in my duffel.”

  He caught a glimpse of Jensen’s surprised face before closing the door.

Chapter Text

  “Need a favor.”

  Jared raised an eyebrow at him. “Hello to you too. Would you like to come in?”

  Jensen rolled his eyes. “I got beer.”

  He opened the door wider. “Forgiven.”

  “I never apologized.”

  “The beer is the apology.” He took the six-pack and Jensen stepped inside, looking around with a smile. It had taken a while, but the new apartment now looked like a comfortable, lived-in home. 

  “So, what’s for dinner, wifey?” Jensen asked, teasing.

  Jared poked his head out from the kitchen. “You know how I said I’d try cooking?”

  “Yeah…”

  He blushed. “It was pasta. I burnt it. Had to throw it out.”

  Jensen stared at him. “How could you possibly ruin pasta? It’s one of the easiest dishes to make.”

  “I don’t know, man, I could probably burn water,” Jared sighed. “I ordered takeout instead.”

  “It’s fine,” Jensen laughed. “But next time- how about I just teach you to cook? You can’t survive on takeout in your thirties.”

  “I’m not completely helpless,” Jared defended. “Just not… That good. I had a bad influence for a roommate and then I was living with Stephen who was also a terrible cook, so-” He ended with a shrug.

  Jensen had noticed lately that the name ‘Stephen’ was no longer spoken with a clenched fist or hurt eyes. It had been enough time, he supposed, to move on.

  Would it be wrong to ask about what had happened? Jensen wondered.

  Jared started reheating the food. Jensen grabbed bowls and forks, bringing them to the living room.

  “Oh, when are Chris and Steve getting here?”

  Jensen made a face. “Yeah, about that- they got booked for a show last minute. Said they’re not coming.”

  “Weird.” Jared frowned. “Keegan said he had some work emergency and had to go back to the office.”

  “So…” Jensen stared at the TV remote, finding it a safer option than Jared’s still-wet-from-an-evening-shower hair. “Just us.”

  “Guess so,” Jared mumbled. He cleared his throat. “Can’t believe people are prioritizing other stuff over a Cowboys game.”

  “Well.” Jensen gave a grin that was only half-fake. “Not to be too snobbish, but we are kinda self-employed.”

  “Fair enough,” Jared agreed with a returning smile. “Turn it on, I’ll be there.”

  Jensen wavered, eyeing the couch. After a moment, he settled into the armchair instead. Jared was a cuddle-bug and Jensen, for all his usual reticence, did not have enough self-control to stop himself from leaning into that magnetic warmth. It was bad enough that they were alone, without any of their friends to act as a buffer. Jensen didn’t need to torture himself more.

  Jared had wanted to be just friends- Jensen was determined to respect that.

  “Has it started?” Jared asked, stretching out on the sofa as he handed Jensen his plate.

  “Just did.” Jensen tossed a beer can at him.

  “So what was that favor you wanted to ask?”

  Jensen grimaced at the reminder. “Fashion Week in Milan in two weeks.”

  Jared blinked at him, then put a hand to his chest and batted his eyelashes. “Oh, Jensen, I’m flattered that you think I should be on a runway.”

  He snorted. “Yeah, and knock the other models down with your baby giraffe legs? I don’t think so.”

  “Rude. So, what, you’re invited as one of the photographers?”

  “Yep.” He gave him a desperate look. “It’s really boring to be alone there. Almost everyone who goes has a date or someone they already know- even the photographers.”

  “And you haven’t gotten anyone?”

  Jensen hesitated. “I used to have my boyfriend.”

  Jared scowled. “The one who cheated.”

  “Right.” He nodded. “Haven’t gone since then. But Fel says I’ve been out of the professional scene for too long and I should get myself back out there. And the only other model I know has been busy, she’s not sure if she’ll be going or not. So…” He trailed off on a pleading note.

  Jared hummed to himself, glancing at the TV. “So- you want me to come to Milan with you.”

  “It’s a gorgeous city,” he offered, trying to sweeten the offer. “You said you’ve always wanted to travel. It won’t be all work- if we take a few days extra, we’ll have time to just, you know, be tourists.”

  “Hmm.”

  “Please?” Jensen wheedled. “When you release your next book, I’ll do the photoshoot for free.”

  Jared snorted. “Okay, you don’t have to exhort yourself on my behalf.”

  “So you’ll come?” Jensen asked hopefully.

  Jared picked at the rim of his beer, looking thoughtful. “Yeah. Okay. Not like I’ve got anything else on.”

  Jensen breathed out a sigh of relief. “Awesome, thanks.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Jared swung his legs off the couch. “Second helpings?”

  “I’ll get them,” Jensen assured, taking Jared’s bowl too. He went into the kitchen and, as he reheated the pasta, he texted Felicia: You win. I’ll go to Milan.

  Her reply was almost instantaneous: J’s coming with?

  Jensen frowned. How’d you know I was going to ask him?

   Lucky guess, she replied. I’ll send the confirmation and forward you the tickets + details.

  Jensen shook his head- he’d never understand Felicia’s weird sixth sense. Bowls in hand, he returned to the living room and, completely forgetting his earlier resolve, flopped down next to Jared on the sofa.

   Fuck.

  Jared took the bowl, their fingers brushing, and either Jensen was turning into a teenager or his alcohol tolerance had gotten ridiculously low; he shivered at the touch, heart jumping against the wall of his chest.

  Well. It wasn’t like he could get up and switch spots now. He forced himself to relax, settling in to focus on the match and not the inviting warmth he could feel radiating from Jared.

  “Can I ask you something?” Jared murmured.

  Jensen glanced at him, shrugged.

  “Are you scared of running into your ex at the show?”

  Jensen felt heat prickle at the side of his neck. “I don’t know,” he said quietly, honestly. “I haven’t seen him since we broke up. He lives in Paris and, like I said, I haven’t been to any huge event with models since. I haven’t really thought about it.”

  “You’re thinking about it now,” Jared surmised.

  “Yeah,” he sighed. “I don’t know. I’m not scared, exactly. But- I don’t want to see him.”

  “That’s why you want me along?” Jared asked gently. “As a buffer?”

  “No,” Jensen said quickly, then frowned. “Maybe. Sort of. I mean, I guess, it would be handy to have you there if I run into him, or if he wants to talk or something. I really do want you there, though,” he added.

  Jared smiled softly. “Well, I’ll be there.”

  “Thank you,” he said quietly.

  The conversation ended there. It should have ended there. But half an hour later, with the food cleared away and a second round of beer halfway finished, Jared said hesitantly, “I think about it sometimes. Running into Stephen. Going to LA to visit my friends and seeing him. Part of me wants to see him.”

  “I’m guessing it’s not because you miss him or want to get back with him,” Jensen surmised- he knew Jared well enough by now to understand that.

  Sure enough, Jared scoffed, shaking his head. “No. It’s because I’m just petty enough to want him to know that I’m happy and doing great and… and that I don’t need him.”

  “I get that,” Jensen said softly, nodding. “I think I’d want that too, but… Like I said, Tom and I were over long before he cheated.”

  Jared glanced at him. “You don’t miss him?”

  “Nah.” He returned the gaze. “You miss Stephen?”

  He pursed his lips, admitting, “I used to. We didn’t… We ended badly, but he wasn’t terrible to me. I know it might sound like that, but… I just wanted too much from him.”

  “That’s not fair to yourself,” Jensen cut in. “You loved him and he supposedly loved you- you’re allowed to want commitment.”

  Jared didn’t look up again. “His family’s rich. Business, going back to his grandfather. Stephen grew up under scrutiny. His family didn’t care about him being into men, as long as the public didn’t know- they’re religious, but the hypocritical sort, ya know?”

  Jensen did know. His family weren’t as tightly-knit as Jared’s, but he counted himself lucky that despite every prerequisite for the opposite, they’d accepted Jensen’s sexuality with open arms.

  “So, that was what we were like,” Jared said softly. “Three years together, but we couldn’t even go out to dinner too often, in case people spotted us and started questioning it.”

  “I’m sorry,” Jensen said quietly.

  Jared sighed, downing the rest of his beer. “That was our last fight. We’d planned to fly to Tokyo together- he had some big project he was overseeing. Then his parents intervened, forbid him from bringing me along. It… It would have been the weekend of our anniversary, I think.” He shook his head. “I told him that he could either tell his parents to keep out of our relationship or he could say goodbye to me.”

  “And he chose to break up with you?” He asked, shocked.

  “He left,” Jared said simply. “For Tokyo. I cried for a day, texted him that I was leaving. Chad and Sandy came over to help pack my stuff and I was back in Texas at the end of the week.”

  “Wow.” Jensen stared at his beer, not sure what to say. He just reached for Jared’s hand, squeezing it within his own in comfort.

  The silence persisted for about a minute, then Jared huffed in amusement. “I ruined the mood, didn’t I?”

  “No,” Jensen said immediately. “Felt like you needed to get that out, I’m glad it was me you talked to.”

  “Me too,” he said softly, smiling at him.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” he sighed. “Chad and Sandy have been great, Keegan’s offered to find something to sue Stephen over- I can’t tell if he’s joking- and Genevieve pushes me out the door if she thinks I’m getting too melancholic… But none of them did what you did.”

  Jensen swallowed, feeling his heartbeat thrum up till his throat. He tried to let Jared’s hand go, sure his palm was clammy with nervous sweat, but Jared had turned his palm up, tangling their fingers together. “What did I do?”

  “You made me laugh,” he said easily. “Six months after Stephen, you were the first person to look at me like I wasn’t a broken shell.”

  “You’re not,” Jensen said quietly. “You never were.”

  Jared forced a laugh. “Maybe that’s just because you didn’t know me.”

  “Maybe,” Jensen agreed. “Or maybe you were already over him and just needed to realize it.”

  Jared blinked at him, processing that, understanding entering his eyes. Jensen felt a sudden sense of anticipation, like there was something about to happen, and his first instinct was to flee, get some distance, find time to re-evaluate and…

  Jared’s lips were as soft as he’d vaguely remembered through a drunken haze. Jensen could taste beer and pasta sauce. He could smell the citrusy shampoo and feel heat permeate his insides from where Jared was lightly cupping the side of his neck, branding Jensen’s skin with the touch. He could feel a pulse hammering rapidly under his fingers where he’d wrapped them around Jared’s wrist and fuck he needed to breathe-

  Jared broke away and Jensen decided air was underrated. He grasped Jared’s shirt, pulling him back in, and Jared cursed as their lips connected, hand sliding down to Jensen’s waist. He growled softly, needily, pushing Jared until he was on his back, and followed, straddling his waist without breaking the kiss.

  Jared’s hand slid up his shirt, up the curve of his spine. Jensen arched into it, his own fingers sinking into Jared’s hair and tugging, making space for his teeth to latch onto that pulse.

  Jared whimpered at the bite- and the sound sobered Jensen up. He pulled back with a hiss of, “Wait, wait, fuck…”

  Jared was already reaching for him, but paused, one hand outstretched. Jensen stared down at him, trying to think past the hot bulge he could feel pressed to his thigh, his own arousal, and the sight of Jared looking at him like… Like that.

  “Should I be apologizing for something?” Jared asked, making an obvious effort to sound lighthearted.

  “Fuck, no,” Jensen replied instantly. “I just… Can we slow down?”

  Jared nodded, taking a deep breath as he sat up again. “Yeah, ‘course.”

  “Thanks.” He bit his lip, trying to figure out what to say.

  Jared beat him to it. “You do want this, right?” He asked, nervous. “I didn’t completely misread everything?”

  “Definitely not,” Jensen hurriedly assured. “If anything, I’ve been misreading- if I thought you wanted this, I’d have kissed you a lot sooner.”

  Jared huffed. “No, no, I was… Too scared to make it obvious.”

  “So we’re both idiots,” Jensen surmised.

  “Pretty much.”

  Their eyes met, and both broke into soft laughter that only lasted two seconds before Jensen was leaning forward, kissing the smile off Jared’s lips.

  “Jen,” he whispered into it, hand on Jensen’s chest.

  “Sorry,” he sighed. “Sorry, just…” He turned away slightly, closing his eyes.

  Jared’s forehead pressed against his temple, lashes tickling his skin. “What is it?”

  “Slow,” Jensen repeated. “Not too long ago, you wanted to be just friends. I haven’t been in a relationship since Tom. We need… Slow.”

  Jared nodded slowly. “Okay. you’re right, yeah. We’ll go slow.”

  Jensen nodded too, glancing at him again. Jared was already staring at him.

  “What?”

  “Your eyes,” Jared muttered. “They’re so- golden little flecks- how are you fucking real-” He was pressing into Jensen, kissing him again, and Jensen clutched at him, hands trailing over his shoulders to pull him closer.

  Jared groaned, pulling away this time. “Slow.”

  “Slow,” Jared repeated, sighing. “Maybe… Turn in for the night?”

  Jensen nodded, shifting forward to stand, then paused.

  Jared followed his gaze to the hallway that led to the bedroom. He bit his lip. “I… I’d invite you in, but…”

  “I know.”

  Jared visibly struggled. “Nothing has to happen, right? We can… Restrain ourselves.”

  “First, bad choice of words. Second-” Jensen’s gaze dropped to Jared’s pink-bitten lips. “We both know that’s a lie.”

  Jared sighed. “I know.” He hesitated, then leaned forward to kiss him a last time before standing. “Guest room is set up.”

  “Thanks.” Jensen forced himself to stay in his place, until Jared disappeared into his room with a last rueful look over his shoulder. Then he slumped back with a silent groan, hand covering his eyes as he tried to understand what the fuck had just happened.

  Jensen had to leave early in the morning. He left Jared a text, then also scribbled onto a sticky note that he found on the mantel and stuck it on the fridge.

  Jared replied within two hours, suggesting they meet up again for a proper date before Milan. Which, while a great idea, was simply impossible- Jensen had too much to prepare.

  Despite that, he felt strangely upbeat as he went about the next two weeks. He and Jared talked often. More than once, Jared showed up at his office with takeout for lunch, never leaving without a heated eager kiss.

  By the time they were both seated on the flight, Jensen felt sure he was going to die soon from either happiness or blue balls.

  Both were acceptable.

  “Hey.” Jared nudged him as they took off. “Thanks for this.”

  “Thank you,” Jensen corrected. “I was fully prepared to want to kill myself out of boredom over the next week.”

  “Nah,” Jared chuckled. “I wouldn’t let that happen.”

  His hand found Jensen’s on the armrest between their seats, fingers linking together. Jensen closed his eyes, if only to hide the giddy joy that was surely shining in them. 

  “Get some sleep,” Jared murmured, probably misinterpreting. “You’re exhausted. I’ll wake you when we land.”

  Jensen opened his mouth to protest, but a yawn slipped out. The last few days caught up with him, the whine of the place engine strangely comforting, and Jared’s hand was still holding his, and…

  Jensen couldn’t remember having so much at any event before. Despite the whirlwind nature of the event, which meant he couldn’t have Jared at his side all the time, just knowing he was close by, close enough to appear at the drop of a hat, was enough for Jensen to feel almost buoyant.

  And every moment they weren’t at the show, they spent getting lost in the city. Jensen wouldn’t call himself a romantic, but even he couldn’t deny the dreamlike quality of the time he was spending with Jared- arms tucked around shoulders and waists, kisses stolen over meals, every night ending with a slowly building crescendo that they were both loathe to let peak so soon.

  If Jensen was being honest with himself, a secret part of him felt afraid. Surely nothing this perfect could last? 

Chapter Text

  “There is no way I said that!” Jared exclaimed as loud as he could.

  Jensen grinned, shrugging. “You did. You insulted one of the most successful models in the fashion world within five minutes of meeting her.”

  Jared pressed a hand to his forehead, groaning. He could feel Jensen’s shoulder, pressed against his own, shaking in laughter. “I met Danneel Harris and called her shallow and self-obsessed and to stay the fuck away from us?”

  “Not in those exact words,” he amended. “You were a lot more polite in the moment. But yeah.”

  “Why would I do that?!”

  Jensen ducked his head, grin softening. “You were being protective of me, to tell you the truth.”

  Jared tilted his head a bit to look at him better. “You said you guys weren’t dating, just…”

  “Sleeping together,” Jensen finished for him. “Yeah. But you…”

  Jared could almost see him reconsider his words and he firmly pushed down the stab of annoyance it made him feel.

  “You were just being protective,” he said again.

  Jared didn’t say anything, looking out the window. It was starting to grate, the way everyone was tiptoe-ing around him. And for some reason, it felt worse when Jensen did it.

  “Hey.” Jensen nudged him. “I’m sorry I can’t tell you more.”

  “I know,” Jared sighed. “It doesn’t make me feel better.”

  Jensen nodded, a sad smile on his face. “Trust me, I’m not enjoying this either. None of us are. There’s so many things that…” He paused again, and Jared was sure he was going to get another evasion. But Jensen took a deep breath. “There are so many things that are different in your life from what you remember. Some about yourself. Some to do with me.” He looked at Jared in that searching way of his, resigned. “And it’s killing me that I can’t tell you.”

  If nothing else, Jared could at least believe that Jensen was being truthful in that. “Okay.”

  Jensen squeezed his hand for a moment. Then his eyes slid to the window. “We’re about to land.”

  “Good. Can’t wait to go home,” Jared murmured.

  Jensen didn’t reply. In fact, he didn’t say anything as the plane touched solid ground, his hands back in his own lap. But they stayed close together as they collected their bags and made their way out of the airport.

  “Jared,” Jensen finally said, sounding nervous. “Do you wanna-”

  “Jared!”

  They both turned together. Stephen was walking towards them, stride purposeful. When he reached them, he sidled into Jared’s space, hand subtly touching his waist for a moment.

  “You didn’t have to come,” Jared said softly.

  Stephen grinned ruefully. “Consider it an apology.”

  Jared thought about their conversation on the phone just two days ago; he let it go with a nod, returning the smile as he leaned forward to kiss him.

  Stephen leaned away the slightest bit, a reminder that they were in public. Jared winced, covering it up by turning to Jensen.

  “What were you saying?”

  Jensen didn’t seem to hear him for a moment. He was glaring at Stephen, face dark, almost hateful.

  Jared’s stomach dropped like a stone. “Jensen?”

  Green eyes slid to him. “It’s nothing. Forget it.” He gripped the strap of his backpack tighter. “I should get home.”

  “Wait-”

  “See you around, Jay.” He walked away without a glance back.

  And all Jared could do was stare after him, feeling guilty for something he didn’t even know how to put into words.

  Stephen squeezed his elbow. “Come on, let’s go home.” He had a tight smile.

  Jared let himself be led along. “He was fine two minutes ago.”

  “Well, we’ve established he doesn’t like me,” Stephen reminded. “And the feeling’s mutual.”

  “Yeah, but…” Jared frowned at him. “That was a little more than plain dislike.”

  Stephen shrugged. “I don’t know. Forget about it.”

  “I can’t just-” He shook his head. “He’s my best friend, Stephen, and I’ve forgotten enough without deliberately adding more to the list.”

  “He’s not-” Stephen cut himself off with a shaky exhale.

  Jared looked a little closer. Stephen was almost pale and Jared got the sudden sense that he was scared. He opened his mouth to ask-

  “You wanna go out for lunch?” Stephen asked, clearly wanting to change the topic.

  Jared bit his lip. “Sure, yeah. Can we stop by the house first? I wanna shower off the flight.”

  Stephen nodded, looking relieved. Did he think Jared didn’t notice?

  Jared stared at his phone screen, feeling that guilt again. Stephen had excused himself for a phone call- that did not mean Jared couldn’t have texted Jensen in front of him.

  But here he was, stealing the chance the second Stephen was out of sight. But what choice did he have? Stephen didn’t like Jensen and that was his problem, but Jared couldn’t unsee the look of fear on his face at the airport.

  Jared didn’t want to give Stephen even more reason to worry.

  Sighing, he sent the text: Hey. You practically ran away earlier. Everything alright?

  He hesitated a moment, then typed slowly: Did I do something wrong?

  “You ready to order?” Stephen asked, reappearing before he could send it..

  Jared tried not to look red-handed as he put the phone back into his pocket. “I am, yeah. What about your phone call? All good?”

  “Just a meeting,” Stephen assured. “Next month.”

  “Out of state?”

  Stephen gave a nervous laugh. “Out of country, actually. Tokyo.”

  Jared blinked. “Oh. That’s…”

  Stephen was watching him carefully, reaching across the table to lightly touch the back of his hand. “I was thinking- you could come with me.”

  Jared’s fingers curled into a fist, feeling vaguely sick. “Why?”

  “Why not?”

  “You didn’t-”

  Stephen’s hand suddenly retreated, as a waiter appeared with a friendly smile. “Are you two ready to order?”

  Everything seemed to fade. Jared’s focus narrowed down to the width of the table, separating his hand from Stephen’s.

  “Jared?” Stephen sounded concerned.

  “I’ll have the steak,” Jared said, almost on autopilot. “Excuse me for a moment.”

  Before he could be stopped, he slid out of the table and rushed to the bathroom. It was thankfully empty; Jared leaned against a sink, eyes squeezed tightly shut.

  What had he been about to say to Stephen before the waiter interrupted? Something about Tokyo… But the words, that had been right on the tip of his tongue at the moment, had disappeared, leaving behind only the nausea they had come with.

  Without thinking, he pulled out his phone. There was no reply from Jensen yet- Jared dialed him anyway.

   “Hello?” Jensen sounded weary.

  “Jen,” he choked out, chest tight.

  “Jared?” Concern sharpened Jensen’s voice and Jared’s eyes stung. “Jay, what’s wrong?”

  Jared stared at his reflection in the mirror. Why were there tears in his eyes?

   “Jared! What happened, are you okay?!”

  “Stephen has to go to Tokyo,” he bit out, barely aware of what he was saying and why. “He wants me to go with him.”

  There was silence on the other end.

  “Jensen?”

   “I’m here,” Jensen whispered.

  Jared didn’t know what to say next, so he waited.

  Jensen took another moment. “Why are you calling me, Jared?”

  Jared internally recoiled. “I don’t know.”

   “Do you wanna go?”

  Jared looked down at his free hand, curled on the edge of the sink. “We’re at a restaurant. He touched my hand for a moment. Then the waiter appeared and then he… Wasn’t touching me anymore.” Something else occurred to him. “Earlier in the airport too- you saw. I was about to kiss him and he just pulled away.”

  It was the exact reason he’d always fought with Stephen. About wanting to be able to hold the hand of the man he loved and kiss him in public without worrying about being seen.

  How, in the six years that Jared couldn’t remember, had that not changed?

  “Well.” Jensen forced a laugh. “Your boyfriend's an asshole.”

  Jared was almost too shocked to speak for a second.

   “Sorry,” Jensen sighed. “I didn’t mean- I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Why do you hate him so much?” Jared asked.

  Jensen didn’t answer. “Do you wanna go with him?”

  “Should I?” Jared asked quietly.

   “I can’t make this decision for you, Jared.” The weariness was back in Jensen’s voice.

  “Why not?” He almost whined.

   “Because it wouldn’t be fair,” he replied and Jared had no idea what he meant, but he knew that asking wouldn’t get him any real answer.

  “I should go,” Jared mumbled. “Stephen’s waiting.”

  “Yeah. Okay. Just…”

  Jared waited with bated breath.

  “Just be careful,” Jensen said softly. “Okay?”

  “Okay,” he replied just as softly. “Bye, Jen… And thanks.”

  “I… Yeah, bye.” Jensen ended the call.

  Jared didn’t feel any better than he had before it. He went back to the table. Stephen’s eyes tracked him over, unreadable.

  “You okay?”

  Jared nodded quietly, forcing a smile.

  Stephen didn’t look like he believed him. “So? Tokyo?”

  “I have to think about it,” Jared said slowly.

  Hurt flashed through Stephen’s eyes and Jared winced.

  “I’m sorry,” he felt the need to say. “But… I’m tired, okay? New York was exhausting, I just need rest.”

  “It’s fine.” Stephen picked at the corner of his folded napkin. “So, um… How was your trip?”

  Jared shook his head for what felt like the millionth time. “I don’t feel up to it, Steph, please. Can we just eat and go home?”

  “Yeah… Yeah, okay.” Stephen looked at him again, with that assessing half-afraid look.

  Jared had to glance away.

   “Jared, I’m sorry, but-”

  “You’re always sorry, Stephen! That doesn’t fix this- your parents can’t dictate this relationship forever!”

  “What do you want me to do? Quit? Walk out on my family?”

  “I want you to at least try fighting back.”

  “And risk getting cut off? Hate to break it to you, Jared, but not all of us have the luxury of a supportive happy-go-lucky family.”

  “This isn’t about our families, it’s about us! We’ve been planning this trip for months. It’s our fucking anniversary- your parents give you one call to tell you not to bring me and you just immediately fold? How do you think that makes me feel?”

  “Do you think I’m happy about this? I want you to come with me!”

  “Not enough to grow a spine, clearly.”

  “God, Jared, just- I can’t think about this now, okay? I have to go to work.”

  “You- no, you know what? Forget it. I’m done.”

  “You- what?”

  “I’m gonna stay with Chad for a couple days. Call me when you come to your senses.”

  “Jared, you can’t just-”

  “Stop. Please. Stephen, I… I love you. But I can’t- I won’t be just some side-piece you sneak around with behind your parents’ back.”

  “Jared…”

  “Just go. You don’t wanna be late to work.”

  Jared rubbed his eyes, his brain absolutely refusing to work anymore. He’d been up since five, rewriting almost the entire novel Jeff had given him. He probably shouldn’t be sitting in front of a computer screen for so long, but he felt certain that if he were to sleep, he’d only dream of things he couldn’t remember.

  It was past the time for breakfast. Stephen had left for work. Restless, Jared spun his chair around, head tilted up to the ceiling.

  He should eat something. Would Jensen be free?

  Jared scowled at his own train of thoughts, almost glaring at the phone. Why was he so eager to spend time with Jensen? Even when he knew that he wouldn’t get any answers from him either?

  Bored and frustrated, Jared googled Jensen’s name.

  The first result was a website- Jensen’s own blog. Then there were some news articles, most of which featured the celebrities Jensen had photographed.

  Jared spotted his own name. He remembered what Genevieve had said about his fans believing that he and Jensen were dating. Morbidly curious, he clicked on the link.

  The article was from three years ago and was mostly conjecture, mentioning how the two of them had been spotted together. Jared’s books only came up a few times.

   Completely stupid, Jared told himself.

  There was a photo attached, dated a few days before the article had been posted. Jared could scarcely recognize himself or Jensen.

  Jensen was caught mid-laugh as Jared grinned down at him. They were walking out of a cafe, both with cups of coffee in their hands. They were standing close, facing each other. They looked happy. They looked like…

  Jared backed out of the page, then scrolled up to Jensen’s blog. There, he found several posts, slotted neatly into separate pages.

  Jared clicked on one randomly and found carefully staged photographs of various celebrities. He skimmed through them, admiring the clinical precision.

  Another page led to Jensen’s personal work. Jared felt a jolt of recognition at his own face, the first photo of each folder that was titled with different city names.

  You’re always with me, so I usually end up using a photo of you as an album cover.

  Going slower now, Jared went through the four posts. He’d been there for the Los Angeles shoot, of course, and Jensen had shown him the cover photo back in the hotel in New York.

  But the rest- Paris, Venice, and Rome- were unfamiliar. The photos were beautiful, no question. Jensen hadn’t replied that day at the abandoned zoo, when Jared had asked if they’d been to those cities together. Somehow, Jared thought he already knew the answer, and he was strangely disappointed when the photos didn’t stir up any memories.

  Except the cover photos.

  Jared stared at the one open right now. Jensen had framed him between two moss-covered pillars. Jared had a hand against one of them, looking up. Sunlight filtered in from above, landing exactly on his face.

  It was beautiful. And it made Jared’s heart ache.

  After a couple minutes of thought, he called Jensen.

  It was busy.

  Disappointed, Jared considered calling Stephen, see if he could take a break to meet for lunch-

  Wait. Jensen had mentioned something about renting a studio here in LA. He’d texted Jared the address.

  Mind made up, Jared started calling a cab, then changed his mind, grabbing the keys to Stephen’s second car.

  A woman was sitting at the front desk, feet propped up on the table as she braided her long red hair. Her eyes widened when she noticed Jared.

  “Oh my god!” She squealed, getting to her feet in seconds and running up to him, throwing her arms around his waist.

  She was tiny, which was the only reason Jared didn’t stumble back under the force of her enthusiasm. “Uh. Hi?” He laughed bemusedly.

  The woman stepped back, suddenly concerned. “Oh, do you remember me? I’m Fel-”

  “Felicia?” Jared guessed. “You’re Jensen’s assistant.”

  She snorted. “Assistant, life manager- same thing.”

  Jared chuckled. “Is he in?”

  She nodded, jabbing a thumb in the direction of the second door. “He’s in his office, working on those pop band photos.”

  “Thanks.” He leaned down to kiss her cheek quickly before heading to the door. It only occurred to him seconds later that he’d done it entirely on instinct.

  Smiling to himself, he found Jensen’s office. He paused when he heard raised voices. It sounded like an argument. A serious one.

  Immediately concerned, Jared raised his hand to knock and-

  “Fuck you, Amell,” Jensen snarled and Jared froze at the pure vitriol in his voice.

  What the hell was going on?

  “No, you listen! What the hell were you thinking-?”

  There was a pause and Jared pressed closer to the door, wishing he could hear Stephen’s side of the conversation.

  “Don’t turn this on me,” Jensen growled. “I’m not the one leading him into a life that’s not his!”

  Okay. Jared had heard enough. He rapped his knuckles loudly on the door, heart pounding.

  Instantly, Jensen’s voice died down. After a few moments of hushed words Jared couldn’t hear, he called out, “Come in.”

  Jared opened the door, taking in the surprise on Jensen’s face, mingled with residual anger. “Hey…”

  “Jared.” He stared up at him. “What are you…?” His eyes narrowed, abruptly stunned and enraged. He took a step closer and Jared couldn’t bring himself to move back.

  But he raised his hand, self-conscious, and found his shirt collar rumpled down, doubtlessly revealing the bruise Stephen had left last night.

  Guilt bloomed in Jared’s chest, again- but this time, it was followed by his own anger. Why the hell was he feeling guilty?

  He found the will to move away from Jensen, whose expression had gone from rage to sudden pain.

  “What was that about?” Jared asked, his voice hoarse.

  “What?”

  “Don’t treat me like an idiot,” Jared snapped. “You were on the phone with Stephen. What was going on?”

  Jensen was clearly thinking fast. He squared his shoulders a bit. “I called him to talk about what you said to me a couple days ago. That he asked you to go to Tokyo with him.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I think it’s a bad idea.”

  Jared grit his teeth. “Why, Jensen?”

  Jensen swallowed. “Because… Six years ago, you’d planned to go to Tokyo together for an anniversary. But then his parents intervened, telling him that he couldn’t bring you along to a business meeting.”

  Jared could feel himself start to shake. “Okay. Okay. I don’t remember that.”

  “You had a fight,” Jensen said, voice dropped lower. “A bad one.”

  “Back in the hospital, when I first woke up,” Jared said. “Stephen had told me that… That we’d taken a break from each other. Eight months. Then we got back together. Was that the fight?”

  Jensen looked physically ill. “Yes.”

  Jared couldn’t figure out if it was a lie. “You said two days ago, on the phone… That it was my decision. If I wanna go with him.”

  Jensen closed his eyes, running a hand through his hair. He looked tired. As tired as Jared felt.

  “Yeah, I said that. But, Jared, I… I don’t think you should go.” He sighed, and said with an air of correction, “I don’t want you to go.”

  The words touched something in Jared’s chest, draining away all the anger. “Why not?”

  “Because,” he said quietly. “I’m afraid it’ll end up hurting you.”

  “Hey, I’m back,” Jared called as he walked into the house; he’d seen Stephen’s car outside. “You’re home early-”

  “Where were you?” Stephen asked- demanded, actually, with a slightly crazed look in his eyes.

  Jared’s hackles rose immediately. “I went to see Jensen. Why?”

  “Why did you-” Stephen cut himself off with visible effort. “You didn’t call or text to let me know. I got worried.”

  Jared tried not to feel doubt. “Sorry. Didn’t think you’d get home before me.”

  “It’s fine,” Stephen said, but it was terse and Jared knew his suspicions were right- Stephen didn’t like that he’d gone to see Jensen.

  “Alright,” he stated firmly. “That’s it, I need to know- what is your problem with Jensen?”

  “I told you, I just don’t-”

  “No, that’s bullshit,” Jared interrupted. “The way you guys act around each other isn’t just two people who can’t get along. You hate each other. Jensen’s given me a reason for his side of it, and if he can, then so can you.”

  Stephen looked stricken. “What did he tell you?”

  ‘That’s between me and him,” he shot back. “Just like this conversation stays between me and you. So start talking.” He paused to breathe, then gentled his voice. “Please, Stephen. I need some answers.”

  Stephen’s arms were stiff at his sides. He looked trapped and there was that fearful look in his eyes again.

  Jared stepped a little closer. “What are you so scared of?” He murmured.

  “I… I can’t stop feeling,” Stephen spoke carefully, words measured. “As if I’m going to lose you. Because of him.”

  “What?” The answer was so out of left-field, Jared could only blink in confusion. “Why would you-?”

  “How can I not?!” Stephen exclaimed. “You’re… You’re closer to him than Chad or Sandy, your friends all love him as much as they hate me, your parents practically consider him another son and they’ve never been more than polite to me- and you-” He cut himself, almost visibly biting his tongue.

  Jared swayed on the spot, trying to make sense of the words. Trying to reconcile them with Jensen’s heartfelt I’m afraid that it’ll hurt you.

  Stephen was watching him, wary, as if bracing for something. Jared forced down everything he was feeling. All he could do right now was make his decision and comfort Stephen.

  He finally moved close to Stephen, wrapping his arms around him. Stephen remained tense for a moment, then slowly relaxed into it, hands coming up to rest on Jared’s waist.

  “Stephen,” he said softly. “I can’t come with you to Tokyo.”

  He felt Stephen start to pull away and tightened his own hold. “Wait, listen, listen…” He sighed, pressing a kiss to Stephen’s hair. “I need… I need to go see my family.”

  “You can’t go another time?” Stephen asked, vulnerable.

  “No,” Jared said, apologetic. It was only half a lie. He had things to figure out and there were some answers only his parents could give. “They’ve been begging me to come home for a while. Meghan will be on holiday too and Jeff’s making time to visit as well. I have to go.”

  Stephen sighed, nodding. “Yeah. I understand.”

  “Thank you,” Jared whispered, shifting to kiss back and Stephen returned it desperately.

  Stephen was asleep. Jared’s recurrent guilt was starting to consume him.

  But that didn’t stop him from texting Jensen. Hey.

  It only took five minutes for Jensen to reply. Hi. You okay?

   I’m not going to Tokyo.

  The tiny bubbles that indicated Jensen was typing remained for about 90 seconds. But when the answer came, it was just one word: Okay.

   I’m going to visit my folks. Jared’s fingers were trembling; he didn’t want to call it laying a trap, but that was what he was doing. I’d love it if you came along. Don’t wanna say or do the wrong thing.

  This time, the response was instantaneous: Of course. I’ll be there.

  Jared breathed out shakily, sending a last message that he’d book the tickets, before wishing him goodnight and switching the phone off.

  It was a trap, even if all Jared wanted was some answers. And Jensen was hooked.

Chapter Text

  Jared opened his eyes blearily, smiling instantly when he saw Jensen with his glasses on, staring at the laptop.

  “Hey,” he rumbled, reaching out and lightly stroking his hand down Jensen’s arm.

  Jensen turned to him, looking surprised. Jared felt the smile slide off his face- he sat up straighter, feeling himself flush. “I’m sorry, I don’t…” He sat up, clearing his throat. “Don’t know what came over me.”

  “It’s fine,” Jensen said, sounding almost perfectly calm.

  Jared watched him from the corner of his eye. “So, um… What am I walking into?”

  Jensen huffed. “Your family, Jay.”

  “No, I know.” He stretched his legs out as far as he could. “I just meant, is there anything I need to know?”

  Jensen chewed his lip, thoughtful. “Meghan broke up with the boyfriend that you remember last year.”

  “What? Why?” Jared demanded.

  Jensen chuckled. “Easy, tiger. It was mutual, she handled it like a champ.”

  “Still,” he said glumly.

  “No big changes with your brother,” Jensen recalled. “Your mom is retired from teaching.”

  “When?”

  “Um.” He frowned. “A while after we met.”

  “What else?” Jared asked.

  Jensen smirked. “And you are no longer your momma’s favorite child.”

  Jared stared at him. “Huh?”

  “Yeah, it’s me now.”

  Jared responded by shoving at his shoulder. “No way.”

  “It’s true,” he laughed.

  Jensen shook his head, biting back his own smile. “Tell me something more.”

  “What about?”

  He shrugged. “How we met? What your family’s like? About that Impala of yours- you said I rebuilt her for you.”

  Jensen hesitated. “My family’s a little conventional. Traditional values and all that. Mom still goes to church every Sunday.” He gave a tiny smile. “They were surprisingly cool about it when I came out to them.”

  “That’s good,” Jared said softly- it didn’t miss his attention that Jensen had chosen to answer the question that had the least direct connection to him.

  “Yeah.” Jensen stared out the window of the plane, looking wistful. “They weren’t happy about my first boyfriend, of course, but I can’t blame them for that.”

  “The one who cheated on you?” Jared recalled.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

  Jensen shook his head. “Nah, I told you before- that was over a long time before we officially called it.”

  Jared nodded- he did remember that, from their day out in LA for Jensen’s photos. “So. What about your relationships since then?”

  Jensen narrowed his eyes at him. “Pointed question.”

  “I already know this stuff,” Jared said innocently. “Just don’t remember it.”

  He scoffed. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing.”

  “What am I doing?”

  “You know I’m close to your family,” he said airily. “You’re hoping that I’ll let my guard down around them and accidentally slip up and tell you something that you probably aren’t ready to find out.”

  Jared resisted the urge to pout; there went his brilliant plan. “How’d you figure that out?”

  Jensen didn’t look at him. “I just know you.”

  Jared bit his lip. “Sorry. I… I really do want you there, though. Not just to get answers.”

  “We’re about to land,” Jensen said, instead of replying.

  Jared sighed, getting up to grab their luggage. When he sat back down, Jensen said softly, “We met because your publisher wanted me to take a few pictures for your second book launch. We hit it off immediately. You… You brought me out of a shell I didn’t even realize I’d built around myself”

  And just what in the world was Jared supposed to say to that?

  Sherri’s eyes flooded with tears the second she opened the door. Her arms flung up around Jared and he couldn’t even say he was embarrassed to find his own eyes wet, clutching back at her tightly.

  “Oh my god,” she cried in a whisper, shaking.

  They’d spoken on the phone, of course, several times. But it was different seeing his mom in the flesh, knowing he’d come so close to never hugging her again.

  “Sorry,” Jared said brokenly and her hold on him tightened for a minute. “Sorry for making you worry-”

  “Don’t say that, Jared,” she chided. “I’m just glad you’re here.” She pulled back, giving a trembling smile. “Go on, go see your father and sister. Jeff won’t be arriving till evening.”

  Jared nodded, stepping into the foyer. He turned on the spot slowly, taking in all the little changes he could spot. Instead, all he saw was Jensen coming in right behind him and hugging Sherri tightly.

  Jared’s mother had an impossibly tender look on her face, rubbing her hands lightly over Jensen’s shoulder. Jared felt, all of a sudden, like an intruder, and he had to look away.

  “Are you alright, dear?” He heard his mother ask gently.

  Jensen didn’t answer, just pulled back with a tight smile. Then he met Jared’s eyes. “You go ahead. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  Jared nodded, going further into the house. He found Meghan and his dad in the study, absorbed in the game. Meghan shrieked when she saw him, running up to him.

  Taken aback, Jared caught her, lifting her off her feet a little. Behind her, his dad came close, giving Jared the same gentle hug he always did.

  “Where’s Jensen?” Meghan asked suddenly.

  “Oh, he’s with momma, he said he’ll be-”

  “I’m here, I’m here,” Jensen announced, entering the room.

  Meghan sighed happily, hugging him as well. “Hi.”

  “Hi to you too,” he chuckled, kissing the top of her head.

  “You smell good,” Meghan informed him cheekily. “And you’ve been working out more, haven’t you?”

  Jared choked on his own breath. “Meggie, what the fuck?”

  “What?” She asked innocently. “Are you jealous? Just because I’m his favorite in this family-”

  “That’s enough, Meghan,” their father scolded. “Let the poor man go.”

  She huffed, stepping back- over her head, Jensen met Jared’s eyes with a tiny apologetic smile.

  Jared forced a smile of his own, trying to understand why he felt so out of step in his own home.

  “-so you two can share Jared’s old one.”

  Sherri’s words made Jared startle back to awareness. “Wait, what?”

  “Uh, Sherri, I don’t think-” Jensen started carefully.

  “Well, where else would you sleep?” She asked Jensen, with the air of someone who was used to always being right. “Jeff and his wife will be in his room, their kids always bunk down here in the living room. Unless you want to sleep in the barn, you only have Jared’s room to sleep in.”

  Jared couldn’t think of any logical reasons to argue against it, but he couldn’t shake a sense of foreboding either. Jensen, for his part, looked like he was genuinely considering taking the barn option.

  For some reason, that made Jared want to needle him- besides, late at night might be the best time to get Jensen to open up. “Come on,” he said, faking a laugh as best as he could. “It’s just a couple nights, not like I’m going to murder you in your sleep.”

  Jensen shot him a look that clearly said I’m on to you.

  “It’s settled then,” Sherri said sternly. But there was a glint in her eyes that made Jared rethink his own decision.

  Nothing for it now.

  Jensen seemed to come to the same conclusion. “Come on, let’s get our bags up.”

  Jared followed mutely, catching the beginning of what sounded like a disapproving statement about ‘meddling’ from Gerald and a laugh from Meghan.

  “Was it just me or was that weird?” Jared ventured as they trudged up the stairs.

  “It’s about to get weirder,” Jensen groused. 

  “Why?”

  He glanced at Jared over his shoulder wryly. “Jared. Does your old room have space for two separate beds?”

  Jared froze mid-step.

  “Exactly.” Jensen resumed walking.

  The words bad idea began clamoring in Jared’s head. 

  Jensen opened the door to Jared’s room, stepping aside to let him in. Jared walked in slowly, a rush of nostalgia washing over him. Unlike the rest of the house, his old room remained mostly untouched. The stupid posters from high school that he’d never bothered to take down, the framed photographs on the bookshelf, the wardrobe door scratched up from Jared’s childhood dog.

  In fact, the only things that were new were the books on the shelf and one photo he didn’t recognize. He reached for it-

  Jensen snapped it face-down on the wood.

  “Jensen?”

  He’d gone nearly white, his hand shaking on the photo. “Not that one. Should have removed it. Sorry.”

  “What is it?”

  Jensen shook his head. He wasn’t looking at Jared or anywhere in the room, eyes firmly downcast. “I’m putting this away. Do not go looking for it.” There was a note of sternness in his voice.

  Jared took a steadying breath. “It’s just a photo, Jensen.”

  “I know, but-”

  “Okay, who’s in it?” He tried.

  Jensen laughed- it sounded choked. “No questions. No negotiations. I’ll be back in a minute.”

  “Jensen, just-”

  The door slammed close behind his retreating form.

  Jared felt anger well up. He paced the room for a few minutes, wracking his brain to remember what the photograph had been of. He’d caught a glimpse, right? When he first came into the room? He just hadn’t paid attention.

  He stormed out of the room, practically jogging down the steps. He was about to yell out for Jensen, or for his mom, but stopped when he heard his name in a muffled conversation.

  Slowing down, Jared moved closer to the door of his father’s study. Peeking in, he saw his mom inside, standing with a worried look on her face, and Jensen perched on the edge of the desk.

  Jensen’s shoulders were shaking. He was talking fast, like the words had been bottled up for too long.

  “He just keeps getting this look on his face, like he’s lost, and it’s killing me that I can’t help. I can’t even- fuck, and then sometimes, I’ll slip up, I’ll make some old joke or talk about a place we went- it’s like he doesn’t believe me- no, like he doesn’t want to believe me.”

  Jared pressed against the wall, heart sinking in his chest when he realized those were tears he could hear in Jensen’s voice.

  “Sweetheart,” Sherri murmured. “It’s not forever.”

  “You don’t know that,” Jensen said bleakly. “The doctors said-”

  “I don’t care about the doctors,” she interrupted. “I know my boy. He’s going to fight tooth and nail to remember.”

  There was a short pause. “What if he doesn’t want to remember? What if… What if that asshole actually gets it right this time, and Jared chooses-”

  “Jared cares about you,” Sherri said softly. “Even if he can’t remember how much, that kind of bond doesn’t just go away or get replaced. He’ll remember.” She seemed to hesitate for a moment. “Do you want to take Jeff’s room instead, if you don’t feel up to staying with Jared? I’m sure they won’t mind-”

  “No, no,” Jensen said tiredly. “I… It’s fine. I think I’ll just…” The words trailed off into something Jared couldn’t hear.

  “Oh, darling,” Sherri said thickly, and that made Jared risk another peek; she was looking at Jensen with the saddest expression Jared had ever seen on her face and it broke his heart a little that he couldn’t even fix it.

  Instead, Jensen was the one who gave her a trembling smile. “I’m okay,” he assured. “I am. Just…” He pressed the photo frame into her hands. “Keep this somewhere here, please.”

  Sherri took the photo, looking at it closely as an excuse to compose herself. “This has always been one of my favorite photos.”

  “Mine too,” Jensen confided. 

  She placed it into a drawer of Gerald’s desk. Sensing the conversation was over, Jared backed away, escaping into the backyard.

  His breaths were coming a little too fast, not from exertion, but from the helplessness that had stirred up. But the anger from before didn’t leave either- it wasn’t just Jensen. His own family was lying to him.

  And yes, he understood it was for his own good, but there had to be limits, didn’t there?

  Dinner was loud with three toddlers and three grown-up children all yelling at each other. Jared, under the heinous act of stabbing a piece of grilled chicken from Jeff’s plate, was gratified that he and his siblings could still be reduced to screaming matches. 

  Jensen, for his part, had sided with Jeff, citing that he was “the tallest person in the room.” Jared absolutely did not feel put-out by that.

  Jeff pushed a drink into his hands.

  “Oh, I’m allowed a second glass?” Jared asked with a laugh.

  “By a doctor’s leave, yes,” he teased. “Go on, it’s just for tonight. Don’t take any meds.”

   “Yes, sir.” He took a sip, making an appreciative sound. “This is really good by the way. Since when does dad know anything about wine?”

  Jeff snorted. “Since never. You and Jensen gifted him this last year for his birthday.”

  Jared choked on his next swallow. “What?”

  There was an almost imperceptible moment of consideration. “Yeah. You and Jensen picked that bottle out. Together.”

  “Together?” He repeated, wondering if he only sounded slurred to himself.

  “Yep.”

  Jared stared at him, waiting. “Why?” He asked, when Jeff didn’t seem forthcoming.

  Jeff stared at him, then sighed. “You’re close. Practically joined at the hip. And he’s part of the family.”

  Jared looked around at the house full of people. “I… I think I’m gonna call it a night, actually.”

  Jeff nodded, eyes soft with sympathy. “Go ahead.”

  Jared trudged upstairs, the glass still in his hands. Maybe it was a side-effect of the accident or maybe just that this was his first taste of alcohol in eight months- he felt a little lightheaded already, from less than two glasses of wine.

  Actually, he didn’t remember liking wine so much six years ago.

  He stumbled through the door of his room, only to find Jensen already there in the darkness, sitting on the edge of the bed.

  “Sorry,” Jared said dumbly.

  “No, no, it’s- it’s your room.” Jensen gave him a wan smile, patting the space next to him.

  “I didn’t see you come upstairs,” Jared said, slowly closing the door and coming further in. The bed didn’t quite seem the best option, so he perched on the windowsill instead.

  Jensen looked apologetic. “Sorry, I figured you’d be okay. Just your family, after all. I’ve been feeling tired lately, thought I’d turn in.”

  “Is it because of me?” Jared asked plaintively. “Are you tired because of me?”

  Jensen did a double-take. “What- why would you ask that?”

  Jared retained enough sense not to mention he’d been eavesdropping on Jensen and Sherri earlier in the day. He just lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “So is it? Because of me?”

  Moonlight filtered in through the window, stealing the color from Jensen’s face, making his eyes seem dark and luminous. “No, it’s not.”

  Jared made a vague sound of disbelief, draining the rest of his wine.

  Jensen looked mildly concerned. “Jeff give you permission to drink that?”

  He nodded. “He said by a doctor’s leave, so…”

  Jensen’s smile was dim, shadowed. “Did you wanna go to bed?”

  “That was the plan,” Jared nodded, tipping off the windowsill.

  He was pretty sure he wouldn’t have fallen on his face, but Jensen caught his hand, tugging him to the bed. He lay down, thankful he was already in loose sweats and a t-shirt.

  “Hey.” Jensen’s hand lay warm on his shoulder. “Are you okay with this? I don’t mind bunking down with the kids downstairs.”

  “No, no.” Jared shook his head. “Want you here.”

  He must have said it wrong somehow, because Jensen’s answering smile was forced. Before Jared could ask, he pulled away. “I’m gonna go change, okay? You go to sleep.”

  “Okay,” Jared said through a yawn, eyes slipping close. Dimly, he heard the door to the bathroom click shut.

  Sleep weighed down his bones. Still, Jared couldn’t quite relax. The bed was definitely a little smaller than he was used to, but it still felt too big somehow. Somewhere in the past six years, Stephen must have put a complete stop to coming home late at night, because since returning home from the hospital, Jared had rarely gone to bed alone.

  And now, he was probably going to fidget all night without Stephen next to him.

  The bathroom door opened again. Jared’s eyes snapped to Jensen, who was creeping on tiptoes across the room.

  He’d changed into shorts. He didn’t have anything else on. Something flipped in Jared’s stomach, his heartbeat echoing in his ears as he stared at his best friend.

   Oh.

  Jensen had a tattoo on his upper arm, curling intricately over his bicep. It was impossible to make out right now, even with the sliver of light from the bathroom door left ajar, but Jared knew what it was; he could remember the jaybird design.

  Jensen rummaged around in the wardrobe and Jared breathed in a little shakily, helpless to do anything but watch the muscles shifting in his back, the curve of his spine.

  Arousal twisted painfully in Jared’s gut, making him close his eyes and turn away as silently as he could.

  Jensen was beautiful- there was no question. That didn’t explain why Jared felt like… Like this.

  He could hear more soft rustling, could imagine Jensen pulling on a worn t-shirt. There was the flick of a light being switched off, then the mattress dipped next to Jared.

  Texas was cold this time of the year. Even through the blankets, the heat of Jensen’s presence touched Jared’s skin.

  There was a soft touch to his chest. It was only by force of will that Jared remained still, as Jensen traced his knuckles over Jared’s sternum before letting his hand rest there, as if to count Jared’s breaths.

  For a moment, Jared thought about returning the touch, about letting his fingers slot into Jensen’s to assure him of Jared’s beating heart, about pulling their joint hands up to press a kiss to Jensen’s wrist-

  What was he thinking?

  Jensen’s hand didn’t move. And Jared, despite all the warring emotions roiling under his skin, fell asleep in minutes.

  Arriving back in LA felt eerily similar to the last time they’d stood in LAX. But this time, Stephen was still in Tokyo and couldn’t interrupt them.

  Jensen seemed to have the same thought, strangely quiet as they got their bags from the terminal.

  “Hey.” Jared reached out before he could stop himself. “Do you mind if… Can I come over to your place? Don’t feel like going back to an empty house yet.”

  If Jensen was surprised, he didn’t show it. Instead, he looked wary. But he nodded. “Sure. Come on. I’m still just at a hotel though, you know.”

  “What are you doing living out of a hotel in LA for so long?” Jared asked, as they started walking out. “When you’ve got a place in Texas?”

  Jensen cocked his head at him. “You really think I’m going anywhere when you’re not fully recovered yet?”

  Such a simple sentence shouldn’t send a shiver of something so similar to pleasure through Jared’s veins, especially when Jared had expected the answer to be along those lines. And yet, there it was. All Jared could say was, “Oh.”

  “Yeah. Oh.” Jensen shook his head, bemused. “Come on, there’s a cab right there.”

  The drive was silent, the awkwardness not dissipated yet. The hotel Jensen was staying at was as nice as the one in New York, a suite similar to the one Genevieve had booked for them. What struck Jared as weird was that it was a room clearly meant for two.

  “Nice place,” Jared said lightly.

  Jensen made an odd sound. “I guess, yeah. Can’t say the same- I’ve been here for…”

  “Since the accident?” Jared guessed.

  Jensen’s jaw clenched for a moment. “Beer?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Jensen brought out two bottles from the mini-fridge and handed one off to him before collapsing on the couch. Jared swayed on his feet for a moment, then joined him there.

  Jensen didn’t look at him, head tilted back to face the ceiling. They drank in silence together and it wasn’t until both their bottles had finished that Jensen spoke again. “You’re staring.”

  “Yeah. Sorry.” Jared pulled his legs up, eyes fixed on Jensen. “There’s something I wanted to ask you.”

  “Is it about the photo you stole from your dad’s office?” Jensen’s voice was completely unreadable.

  Jared winced guiltily. “How’d you know?”

  “Your mom texted me when we were landing.”

  Jared stretched out to grab his bag, pulling out the photo frame. When he straightened, he caught the sheepish flick of Jensen’s eyes. Heat prickled at the back of Jared’s neck.

  Clearing his throat, he held up the frame. “So.”

  “So,” Jensen mimicked, but he took the frame, gazing at it with a small smile.

  It showed the two of them, probably at some sort of crazy costume party. Jensen had a wide-brimmed hat on and there was a pink feather boa around Jared’s neck. Jared was sitting on a chair and his arm was settled tight around Jensen’s waist. They were smiling at each other, leaning in close, as if having a conversation that no one else in the room was privy to.

  “I heard mom say it was one of her favorite photos,” Jared said quietly.

  “It was Halloween, from a couple years ago.” Jensen twisted around, placing the photo on the bed. “Nothing to it.”

  “Then why’d you hide it from me?”

  Jensen didn’t answer immediately, lips pursing in thought.

  Jared didn’t wait. “I’ve been going over some things in my head. Trying to figure out how they fit. Your lies, Stephen’s lies, the little things no one wants to talk to me about.”

  “Jay-”

  “The way you hate Stephen. You loathe him. He hates you too, but it’s not the same. You act like he personally betrayed you or something.”

  Jensen’s features were drawn in nervousness and uncertainty.

  Jared took a deep breath. “And there’s the way you… You look at me. Like…”

  “Jared, don’t-”

  “I’m not an idiot, you know,” he said softly.

  Jensen looked stricken. “I never thought that. No one did.”

  “I’ve noticed the way I feel around you,” he went on. “Safe, relaxed, happy- once I stop trying to think up all the ways you might be lying to me. How I always end up thinking about you when you’re not around. How, whenever something happens- I remember something, or I fight with Stephen, or someone else tells me something I should know- you’re the first person that comes to my mind, the first person I want to talk to about it.” He took a deep breath. “And then, that first night in Texas, I’d had that wine, and…”

  Jensen looked like he couldn’t draw in a breath. He may as well have been a statue, as Jared steeled himself and reached out. His fingers grazed the side of Jensen’s neck, feeling his quickened pulse.

  “And it wasn’t just feelings anymore,” he whispered, remembering the sickening pulse of desire that one glimpse of Jensen’s bare skin had brought. “It was… I wanted you.” There, it was out. “I wanted…”

  “Jared,” Jensen said, but it was barely a sound, just a puff of air against Jared’s mouth and this was such a stupid thing to do just to prove himself right, but-

  Jared kissed him.

  And something clicked into place.

  Jensen’s hands fisted into Jared’s shirt with all the ferocity of a drowning man. He must have sobbed, because Jared’s free arm wrapped around his waist in an instinctual need to comfort. It only pushed them closer and Jared tugged Jensen towards himself, until he felt the armrest at his back, and Jensen was trapped between his legs.

  There was no fumbling, no strange moment of figuring themselves out They fit against each other with the ease of practice and Jared’s palm splayed over the small of Jensen’s back, knowing that it would make Jensen arch into it with a breathy moan.

  They knew each other.

  And the thought broke Jared.

  “Am I cheating on him?”

  Jensen froze, lips quivering at the cut of Jared’s jaw. Jared didn’t dare open his eyes yet, holding on to Jensen like a lifeline.

  “What?”

  “Am I cheating on Stephen?” Jared asked again, voice cracked with tears.

  Slowly, yet without hesitation, Jensen pulled himself back. Jared hated himself for missing the press of their bodies, but forced himself to sit up, waiting for an answer.

  Jensen pressed a hand to his face, massaging his own temples. “No. No, you’re not cheating on Stephen.”

  There was a headache starting to form behind Jared’s eyes, not at all helped by the tears threatening to spill. “Then explain what just happened.”

  “What happened?” Jensen repeated flatly.

  “I kissed you!” Jared didn’t mean for it sound like an accusation. “And you kissed me back. Why?”

  “Why did you kiss me?” Jensen asked. “To prove something?”

  It was horrible, but- “Yes.”

  “Prove what?”

  Jared couldn’t bear to look at him. “That you’d kiss me back.”

  “Why did you think that?”

  “Becuase,” Jared bit out, focused on his hands. “I think you’re in love with me.”

  The silence only lasted for a second. “Yeah. I am.”

  Jared looked up sharply, and found Jensen’s eyes equally teary. But his voice remained strong, if resigned. “I’m in love with you,” he repeated quietly.

  “But I… Jensen, you…” He could only really think of one thing. “I’m with Stephen.”

  Jensen didn’t say anything.

  Jared hated himself just a little bit more. “I’m sorry.”

  Jensen just laughed, hollow and without humor.

  Unmoored amidst fragments of memories and sensations- where only seconds ago, Jensen’s hands and mouth had anchored him to the here and now- Jared stood up. “I should go. I… I need to get back.”

  Jensen nodded and Jared watched, transfixed, as a tear finally slipped from those dark green eyes. He turned before his own tears could fall and left the room, closing the door behind him as gently as he could.

Chapter Text

   Jensen’s lips pressed to his throat and Jared shivered, closing his eyes. He slipped his hands up Jensen’s back, feeling the bruises he’d just left all along the curve of his spine.

  Jensen’s low laugh tickled Jared’s throat-

  Jared growled out loud, thumping his fist against the kitchen countertop. Ever since he’d left Jensen’s hotel room two weeks ago, right after that ill-intended kiss, he’d been plagued by fantasies of himself and Jensen.

  They had to be fantasies. They couldn’t be memories, because Jensen had said that Jared wasn’t cheating on Stephen and even now, Jared trusted Jensen.

  But that didn’t mean he wanted his brain to continue dreaming up these scenarios.

  Jensen hadn’t reached out either. Where before Jared could count on at least a simple “how r u feeling?” text once a day, now there was radio silence. Genevieve had called him once, his siblings had spoken to him, even Jeff- his publisher- had chatted with him about the Western book.

  But nothing from Jensen.

  And Jared, for reasons he didn’t want to admit to himself, had been avoiding his mom’s calls.

  “Jared?” Stephen appeared at the bottom of the stairs, sleep-rumpled and frowning in concern. “You’re up early.”

  Jared shrugged. He felt itchy, tense. He needed to go for a run. Stephen still didn’t think it was a good idea.

  “Couldn’t sleep anymore,” was all he said, pouring out his coffee.

  Stephen drew closer, grabbing a cup for himself. “Black?”

  “Too lazy to add everything,” he said, taking a sip and immediately making a face. There was barely any sugar in it either.

  “Jesus, that’s disgusting,” Jared groaned through a laugh, handing the coffee back to Jensen. “How do you drink that?”

  “It’s the way coffee should be drunk,” Jensen answered primly.

  “It’s tar, Jensen. You’re drinking tar.”

  Jensen scoffed. “Like you can talk, Mr My-Coffee-Gives-My-Dentist-Nightmares.” But he leaned up to steal a kiss-

  Jared bit his lip hard enough to taste blood. Stephen suddenly touched his hand gently and he realized he’d squeezed his eyes shut. Opening them now, he found Stephen’s careful gaze and felt a stab of guilt in his chest.

  “What’s wrong, Jay?” He asked in a soft voice. “You’ve been acting off since I got back from Tokyo. Did… Did something happen? In Austin?”

  Stephen didn’t know. He had no idea that Jared had been accompanied by Jensen. Jared knew it would only lead to a fight, to Stephen feeling betrayed.

  He would have every right. And that was without telling him the whole story.

  “I’m fine,” Jared said, smiling as best as he could.

  Stephen’s eyes searched his face. “Okay,” he finally said. “If you’re sure.”

  Jared didn’t know if Stephen truly believed him. He didn’t know which was worse- the thought that Stephen couldn’t read him anymore, or that he couldn’t read Stephen.

  So he just nodded, and when Stephen leaned forward to kiss him, Jared clutched him a little tighter, pulled him closer. Stephen made a surprised sound, but didn’t pull back, and Jared didn’t know what he was looking for in that kiss, but he couldn’t find it, and suddenly, he wanted anything but this.

  He broke away, turning to the side to hide the wet sheen of his eyes. “You don’t wanna be late for work,” he said, thankful his voice was steady.

  “I know.” Stephen dropped another soft kiss to Jared’s shoulder. “I was thinking… Maybe we could go out for dinner tonight?”

  Something surged up in Jared, almost like resentment. “And pretend to be ‘just friends’ the whole time? No, thank you,” he snapped; horror struck him a moment later when he realized what he’d said, swiftly followed by anger.

  Stephen, for his part, looked stricken. “Jared. Come on, that’s not- you know it’s-”

  “It’s what?” Jared stared at him, trying to keep his voice level. “We’ve been together for eight years. I don’t remember the last six, but I’d hoped things would be different. Instead, I wake up and everything is just… How I remember it.” There were still tears in his eyes, much to his fury. “Is this how it’s always gonna be?”

  “Jared.” Stephen licked his lips, eyes darting everywhere except Jared’s face. “Please. You know my family-”

  “Your family, yeah, I know.” Jared shook his head. “But at some point, it stops being about just them and it becomes about us too.” He took a deep breath. “So what about us? Are we always gonna be… Like this?”

  Stephen’s head was bowed, hands clenched at his sides. “What do you want me to do? Cut them off, never speak to them again?”

  “No, I-” He took a frustrated breath. “You can try talking to them-”

  “There’s nothing to talk about!”

  Jared flinched back- not at the shout, but the words themselves.

  Stephen looked torn. “I mean- I just-” He took a step back. “I gotta go to work. Please, can we- can we talk about this later?”

  Jared didn’t know what to say. He just stared and Stephen didn’t wait for an answer, going back up the stairs.

  Jensen had checked out of the hotel. After finding the studio empty, even Felicia missing from her desk, Jared had come here. He hadn’t bothered to ask at the reception, just gone straight to Jensen’s room to knock, only to find the door wide open and the cleaning staff working inside. There were no suitcases, no bags of camera equipment- nothing.

  Jared could call. He knew Jensen would answer, no matter how hurt or angry he was.

  But that would be selfish, wouldn’t it? For Jared to call Jensen when he knew how much he’d hurt him? He’d suspected, had been almost sure, that Jensen felt something deeper than friendly affection for him. And he’d still gone ahead and kissed him, just to confirm his suspicions.

  The memory of a tear slipping from Jensen’s closed eyes rose to the surface, making Jared wince and turn away from the emptied room.

  What now? Jensen was gone and… Who else could Jared go to for answers?

  Jared pulled his phone out and slowly, finally, called his mom back. She picked up almost immediately.

  “Jared? Honey, do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?!” She demanded, harried.

  “Sorry,” he mumbled, leaning tiredly against the walls of the hotel corridor.

  “What’s wrong?” She asked quietly.

  There were so many things. Jensen’s feelings for him, Jared’s tumultuous thoughts regarding Stephen, Jensen and Stephen hating each other, Stephen’s family, Jensen leaving, Jensen Jensen Jensen…

  All that left Jared’s mouth was, “He’s gone.”

  Sherri was quiet for a moment. “I know.” She didn’t ask who he was referring to.

  “You know?” He straightened a little. “How-”

  “He called me before he was getting on the flight. Two weeks ago.”

   Two weeks ago? “Flight?” He gripped the phone tighter, feeling numb all over. “Where is he?”

  “Home. His place.” There was a guarded note to her voice.

  “Momma. Where is he?” He asked again.

  “Jared,” she sighed. “I can’t tell you that unless you can tell me what you’re going to say when you see him.”

  He opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again. “Why does that matter?”

  “You’re my son, JT,” she said softly. “And I love you dearly. But you owe so much of who you are to that boy. I’m not going to let him get hurt either.”

  Jared closed his eyes, head starting to swim a little. “What do you mean by that? That I owe who I am to him?”

  “You had a broken heart,” she said simply. “He reminded you how to be whole again.”

  A broken heart. Who’d broken it?

  A corner of Jared’s mind whispered the answer to him and he shoved it away. “I should… I need to go, mum, I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Morning,” Jared whispered, kissing the cluster of freckles on Jensen’s shoulder.

  It earned him a half-hearted groan. “No. Too early.”

  “Does that mean no kiss before I go for my run?”

  He hummed. “You can kiss me. I ain’t a participant.” The words were so garbled, Jared doubted anyone but him would ever understand it.

  He leaned over, kissing the corner of Jensen’s mouth. Plush lips twitched up at the contact, as if fighting a smile. But his eyes remained stubbornly closed.

  “Okay, I’m going now,” Jared whispered.

  “Coffee when you get back.”

  “Yes, I know, I have to feed your addiction,” he teased.

  Jensen groaned again, wriggling slightly to turn. “If you’re gonna make fun of me, just go.”

  Jared stifled a laugh. “Alright, then. Bye.”

  “Go do your run. Clearly more important than staying in bed with me.”

  Jared kissed another freckled patch of skin. “Bye.” And maybe because it was of how perfectly warm he felt on a Texas winter morning, or how content he was to skip the run and slip back under the covers like Jensen wanted. It could be a multitude of reasons, and it didn’t matter which. 

  Jared closed his eyes, lifting Jensen’s hand to kiss the knuckles. “I love you.”

  For a moment, there was no answer. Then Jensen turned to him, sleepy eyes fixed on him. “There’s no way I’m letting you go when you’ve just said that.”

  “That’s fair,” Jared said, laughing despite himself. “Kept you waiting long enough. Sorry,” he added.

  “Shut up,” Jensen muttered, and pulled him onto the bed again.

  Jared stared at his computer screen blankly, trying to will some words out of his head. If he couldn’t find Jensen or do literally anything else without thinking about him, then he might as well get some writing done.

  Except his brain refused to work right, offering nothing but images and descriptions of the man who’d somehow vanished from Jared’s life, however temporary it might be.

  His phone rang.

  For a moment, Jared’s heart leapt. Then just as fast, it crashed, seeing Stephen’s name lighting up the screen.

  He couldn’t make himself move. He watched it ring, hating himself a little bit when it stopped.

  What was wrong with him? First there was the way he’d snapped at Stephen earlier in the morning, now he was ignoring his calls?

  He didn’t even want to think about how he’d spent the entire morning running around to try and find Jensen. Or the slight resentment that had started to bloom in his chest.

  Jensen had told him, fervently so, that he wasn’t going anywhere until Jared was healed.

  Jared was so far from being healed that it almost felt funny now. Was he ever going to be okay?

  His phone rang again. This time with a text. Despite himself, Jared glanced at the screen.

  Jensen.

  Like a jolt of electricity, he grabbed it, feeling completely ridiculous as he opened the message to find two sentences.

   I’m okay. I’ll see you soon.

  Jared read it a second time, then a third.

   I’m okay. I’ll see you soon.

  Fingers shaking, he typed back: Can we talk?

  He waited a minute. Two minutes. Five.

  There was no reply and Jared pressed his fingers to his temples, taking deep breaths to try and ease the guilt and pain that was starting to make his head hurt.

  He’d done this. He’d pushed Jensen too hard, he’d fucked up irrevocably with the kiss. If he was being honest, he couldn’t even really say why he’d done it.

  Yes, he’d wanted to put Jensen to the test. He’d wanted a concrete answer to at least one of the million questions he always had these days.

  But how could he have thought for a second that it wouldn’t have repercussions? He’d suspected Jensen was in love with him, then gone and kissed him anyway. For his own agenda.

  Not for a second could he fault Jensen for running away as fast as he could.

  And in the interest of further honesty…

  Maybe a part of Jared had wanted to kiss him since that night in Texas.

   Don’t lie, an ugly voice in his head admonished. You’ve wanted to kiss him since he let you cry on his shoulder in the hospital.

  God, Jared was starting to feel sick. He felt like every part of his body was screaming for something that his mind couldn’t figure out. Didn’t want to figure out.

  An answer that should be so simple, so fucking easy…

  Jared closed his eyes. For a moment, he tried to picture it. He recalled the way that kiss in the hotel had felt, the way it had lit up every nerve under his skin, the way he and Jensen had moved closer to each other in sync, like a habit. He could feel his heart beat a little faster, desperate need battering against the insides of his chest as his imagination took it further- clothes off, on a bed, Jensen whispering sweet endearments and promises wherever his lips touched Jared.

  Too. Fucking. Easy.

  Only the idea that he might keep Jensen hidden, a dirty secret, like an affair, while suffering in an incomplete relationship with Stephen… It didn’t sit right. It didn’t make sense. That was what Jared couldn’t reconcile.

  His phone rang with a text again. From Stephen. Gonna be late tonight. I’m sorry again for this morning.

  Jared couldn’t bring himself to reply. He waited another few moments to see if Jensen might respond to his question, but when nothing seemed forthcoming, he switched everything off and went upstairs to the guest bedroom. He couldn’t bear to sleep in his and Stephen’s bed tonight.

  The house was empty the next day. Jared had another text on his phone from Stephen, citing that he’d gone to work early, but would be back sooner than usual.

  Again, Jared didn’t reply. He felt suspended in time, the house starting to seem like a bubble separate from the rest of reality. Here, he didn’t have to think about Jensen, or the lies, or the truth hidden in those lies, or anything at all. But he was also trapped here, with nothing but his guilt to chew on and fragments of memories and fantasies mashed together.

  He spent the whole morning puttering about mindlessly. He cleaned the guest room, rearranged his closet, read half a book. After lunch, he took another nap, got up to try and write, failed, and moved on to dust the mantel.

  The sun was starting to go down when the doorbell rang.

  Jared froze. Stephen had a key. None of his friends ever came over. That meant…

  Heart in his throat, he hurried out of the kitchen, throwing the door open.

  There stood Jensen, in a gray hoodie and worn jeans, his hair falling over his forehead and bags under his eyes. For the first time since Jared had seen Jensen at the hospital after waking up, he felt as if Jensen wasn’t bothering to hide from him. There was no way to miss the utter exhaustion in the set of Jensen’s mouth or the longing evident in the slow drag of his gaze over the length of Jared’s form.

  Need and self-loathing grappled in Jared’s stomach.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey?” Jared sucked in a loud breath. “Where the hell have you been?”

  “What did you expect?” Jensen asked, almost sarcastic. “You kissed me and it fucked me up. I had to get out.”

  “You left me.” Even as he said it, he winced at how selfish he sounded. “I’m sorry. For… For that.”

  Jensen made a sound that was almost a laugh. “I know. I know you are.”

  He didn’t say it was okay and Jared had to bite back the urge to ask Are we good?

  “I’ve got something for you.”

  Jared blinked. “What?”

  “It’s in the car.” He turned around without waiting for an answer. Jared followed him to where the Impala was parked at the end of the driveway. Opening the backdoor, Jensen pulled out a large cardboard box and handed it to Jared, then pulled out a second one.

  “What are these?” Jared asked warily.

  “Your stuff,” he said. “A couple more manuscripts, some clothes, your personal laptop, your books…”

  “Where were these things?” Jared asked, confused, as he led them back into the house and up the stairs.

  Jensen didn’t answer for a moment. “Does it matter? They’re here now. You’ve got them back.”

  Here. In this house. Jared’s bubble-trap of a ‘home’.

  Shaking himself, Jared brought them into the guest bedroom, and both boxes were placed on the floor near the window.

  “This is it?” Jared asked.

  “This is it,” Jensen said. “Everything else, I’d packed into your suitcases eight months ago. This is just… The odds and ends, I guess.”

  He wasn’t meeting Jared’s eyes. It made Jared want to needle him. He cast his mind around for something to say, something that-

  “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”

  “What?” Jared stared at him, dumbfounded. “Leaving where? When did you even get here from Texas?”

  Jensen sighed. “I got here last night. Needed to tie up a few loose ends with the studio I’d rented. My flight to London is tomorrow.”

  “London?” Jared frowned, lost. “Why London?”

  “Photoshoot,” Jensen said. “Might take up a few more projects afterwards.”

  “Few more projects?” There was a heaviness beginning to weigh down on Jared’s chest. “When… How long will you be gone?”

  “I don’t know,” he said quietly.

  “You…” Jared shook his head. “You mean, you- wait. You can’t-”

  “I have to,” Jensen said, finally looking up at him. “I have to get out of here.”

  “You’re leaving me?!”

  And maybe Jared shouldn’t have said it quite like that because all it did was make Jensen look even more grief-stricken. “Swee- Jared. Please. I have to.”

  “Why?!”

  “You know why,” he said, a tremor in his hand that he was trying to hide by curling it into a fist.

  “No. No, no-” Jared was breathing unsteadily, gripping the edge of a desk to try and stay standing. “Look, you said- you told me that there’s nothing going on between us. We’re not having an affair, I’m not cheating on Stephen- you don’t have to go, Jensen. We can work something out, we can- look, take a break, go back to Texas, and then come back- we can figure this out. You said you’re my best friend, so we can…” He trailed off when he realized there was a sob stuck in his throat. “Jensen…”

  “I have to go,” Jensen repeated, voice breaking. “God, Jared, you…” He took a deep breath, licking his lips as if to brace himself. “I love you. Okay? You know that. I love you. And… And that’s not gonna go away. It’s just not. I don’t think it ever will.”

  “It might,” Jared argued, and even he could hear how half-hearted he sounded.

  “I don’t think I ever want it to,” Jensen said, softer now. He took a step closer. “But I can’t stay here. I can’t stay and… I just can’t.”

  Jared reached out, snagging the hem of Jensen’s hoodie. “What are you hiding?” He asked urgently. “There’s still something you aren’t telling me. What is it? It’s about you, right? I thought it might be about Stephen, but… But it’s you, isn’t it?”

  Jensen closed his eyes. “Jared. It doesn’t matter anymore. If you haven’t gotten your memory back by now, there’s barely any chance you will. I’m not going to tell you something that’s only gonna hurt you. And you’re happy with Stephen.”

   No, I’m not! Jared wanted to scream, and the reality of that thought struck him so hard for a second that he couldn’t formulate a response.

  “For what it’s worth,” Jensen murmured. “If you ever need anything, I’ll be there. Just call.” He hesitated. “I’m trusting you won’t misuse that promise.”

  “If you can promise that,” Jared whispered. “Why even bother to go away?”

  “Because I can’t watch you love someone else.”

  Jared opened his mouth to refute it, then closed it again. Refute it how? What was wrong with him? What could he possibly say?

  Jensen took a deep breath, slowly stepping into Jared’s space. For a wild moment, Jared thought- hoped, prayed, wished desperately- that Jensen would kiss him.

  It was worse than a kiss. Jensen wrapped his arms around Jared’s shoulders, pulling him down into a hug. Jared folded into him easily, burying his tears in the crook of Jensen’s neck. Fingers carded through Jared’s hair and he clutched at Jensen tighter, as if trying to keep him in place, trying to keep him right here with Jared, their bodies pressed together.

  “Bye, Jay,” Jensen whispered, and Jared closed his eyes as they broke apart, and he stood there like that, counting out the seconds as he listened to Jensen walk away, until he heard the faint click of the front door close and then the rumble of the Impala’s engine.

  Stephen returned late, despite his texts from the morning. He looked surprised to see Jared still up, sitting at the dining table with a cup of tea.

  “Jared? You okay?”

  Jared blinked tiredly at him There was an emptiness inside him he didn’t want to observe too closely. For the first time in six weeks, his head was completely free of pain. It didn’t make it easier to understand anything, but his thoughts were clear at the moment. “I’m okay.”

  Stephen nodded slowly, uncertain. “You ate?”

  He nodded back. “Want me to reheat something for you?”

  “Nah, had a bite late in the evening.” He looked around, as if searching for something. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Jensen stopped by.” He hadn’t meant to blurt it out, but the words were deliberate, toneless, and he watched for a reaction.

  Stephen only tensed, jaw clenching visibly. “What for?”

  “Just to drop off the last of my stuff,” he said. “He’s leaving for London tomorrow.”

  “London?” Surprise colored the word. “For how long?”

  “Indefinitely.”

  No answer. The disbelief on Stephen’s face was palpable. “And… You’re fine with that?”

  “What kind of a question is that?” Jared asked, some of his frustration returning.

  Stephen held his hands up placatingly. “Nothing, Jared, it’s just… He’s your best friend. You guys are really close.” He shook his head. “Why do you wanna pick a fight with me these days?”

  Jared looked down at his cup of tea, wishing he didn’t have to ask this next question. “Do you love me?”

  “What?”

  “It’s a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question.”

  Stephen sighed, sitting down on a chair across from him. “Yeah,” he said in a low steady voice. “I love you, Jared. Despite whatever you may think, or how I feel about my family, and all the other stuff you fight me on- despite…” He swallowed. “Despite everything that’s ever happened. I love you.”

  Jared nodded, almost distracted. “I need a few days to think. And so do you.”

  “Think about what?” He asked guardedly. 

  “About us.” Jared looked up at him again. “I’ll stay at Chad’s place for the weekend. When I get back, you need to have made a decision about me and your family.”

  “This isn’t fair,” Stephen said tightly. There was a strange look in his eyes. “This isn’t- you can’t make me choose.”

  “And you can’t keep our relationship hidden away forever,” he answered easily. “Eight years, Stephen- eight years and I’ve never met your brother, never met your friends- my friends and family barely tolerate you for the same reason.” He spread his arms helplessly. “Who’s happy?”

  “We could be happy,” Stephen whispered.

  “Can we?” Jared asked. “When I can’t even do as little as hold your hand outside of the house?”

  To that, there was no answer, just a bitter laugh.

  Jared swallowed. “I’d packed some stuff, Chad drove them over to his house. I was just waiting to tell you in person.” He stood, going to the kitchen to place his cup in the dishwasher. “We’ll talk after the weekend, okay?”

  “Jared-”

  “Don’t. Don’t ask me to stay unless you can give me an answer right now.”

  Stephen fell quiet, gazing at him. Jared bit his lip, feeling almost empty, as he squeezed the hand of the man he was supposed to love, and walked out of the house.

  “When you gonna look at those boxes?” Chad asked on the second night. 

  Jared exhaled a puff of smoke, feeling pleasantly lightheaded. God bless Chad and his varied stash of weed. “Maybe never. Maybe tonight. I don’t know.”

  Chad frowned, plucking the joint from his hand. “You’re cut off.”

  “I’m barely buzzed,” Jared complained.

  “And you’re still technically in recovery,” he snorted. “I don’t want to accidentally be the reason you end up in the hospital again. Ackles would bury me alive and-” He faltered, coughing awkwardly. “Sorry.”

  “Whatever,” Jared muttered, staring gloomily at the TV playing on mute.

  “No more mentioning him,” Chad promised. “You should look at those boxes though.”

  “Chad.”

  “Just saying.”

  Jared glanced at his phone, lying on the table. Chad had confiscated it earlier, citing that the last thing anyone needed was for Jared to call Jensen while stoned. Not that Jared was anywhere close to actually being stoned, but…

  “Don’t even think about it,” Chad warned.

  “I’m not,” Jared snapped, turning away. But in his mind’s eye, he thought about how easy it would be. He would call and Jensen would answer and Jared would beg him to return and maybe, just maybe, Jensen would listen and then things would make a little more sense again.

  Things like why Jared didn’t miss Stephen. Why he kept dreaming about another man’s eyes and hands and smile.

  “I’m going to sleep,” Jared sighed, standing.

  Chad stared at him for a moment. “Jay, I’m gonna ask you something and you need to answer it honestly, okay?”

  Jared tensed, certain this couldn’t go anywhere good. “You sure you’re not the one stoned right now?”

  “Do you love Stephen?”

  Jared opened his mouth to answer-

  “No, take a second to think,” Chad admonished. “Don’t give me a rote answer from muscle memory. Really put your mind to it. Do you love Stephen?”

  This had to be the stupidest conversation ever. Typical of Chad, really. Of course, Jared loved Stephen. How couldn’t he? Stephen was…

  The emptiness in his chest bloomed, threatening to swallow up all of Jared’s insides. Jared loved Stephen.

  Didn’t he?

  Hadn’t he said as much over the last eight months since waking up in the hospital?

  Hadn’t he felt it everytime?

  “Yeah,” Chad sighed. “That was your reaction the first time I asked you that question.”

  Jared’s head snapped up. “What? When? What are you- when did you ask me that?”

  “Around 5-6 years ago.” Chad’s eyes were more soft, understanding, in a way Jared couldn’t recall ever seeing. “I really think you need to have a good long think, Jared. Remembering doesn’t matter, not really. You just have to know what you’re feeling and that’s the only truth you need.”

  God, the way that sounded so wise. More than that, it actually made sense.

  Jared felt terrified. “Goodnight, Chad.”

  “Night, JT.”

  Chad’s guest bedroom was small, but the bed was comfortable enough. Jared sat on the edge and tried to bore holes into The Boxes with just his eyes.

  He’d come here on Friday night. It was Sunday evening now and Stephen had yet to call. Jared was pretty sure he was supposed to feel more than resignation at that.

  Screw it.

  Slowly, he pulled one of the boxes towards him and opened it. There were haphazardly packed clothes inside, none of which he recognized- a worn black tee, an ugly orange shirt with animals printed on it, a black jacket that looked way too stylish for Jared to have bought on his own. Three beanies in black, gray, and white. A dark red flannel shirt that was too short for him. A torn leather bracelet.

  Jared pursed his lips unhappily and pulled the second box closer. Files upon files. Jared leafed through them and found scrapped manuscripts, first drafts with notes scribbled all over them in red ink. A few books with cracked spines. A watch that wasn’t working. A laptop carefully wrapped in a layer of more clothes.

  And that was it.

  Disappointment stung. Jared pushed the emptied boxes off the bed, half-wishing he hadn’t bothered to open them. What had he hoped to find? Some kind of magical key to his memories? A sentimental object that would give him all the answers?

  He was an idiot and fuck Chad for putting it in his head that he should look at the boxes.

  Idly, he leafed through the manuscripts, wondering half-heartedly if there was anything worthwhile in there. Or maybe the laptop?

  He plugged it in and booted it up, almost entirely on autopilot. Could he text Jensen about this? About whether he’d meant those boxes as Jared thought they did? As something to help him remember?

  The laptop asked for a password and Jared typed it in.

  And then his heart crashed to a resounding stop.

  The desktop wallpaper was a photo of him, sitting on porch steps, a German Shepherd laying at his feet. And Jensen was right next to him, smiling, like he’d been laughing a moment before.

  And that smile was pressed to Jared’s lips, like even laughter couldn’t stop him from kissing Jared.

  And one of Jared’s hands might be on the dog, but his whole body was curved into Jensen’s like he wanted to be closer. He was smiling too.

  “Fuck,” Jared whispered. He’d just typed in the password, hadn’t he? Without even pausing to think about it. Like it was second nature.

   JA0103

  Because Jared was the kind of person to have an obvious password. Jensen’s initials and birthday.

  “Fuck,” he repeated, louder this time, and leapt off the bed, grabbing his jacket and phone. He had to fix this.

Chapter Text

  Jensen sat staring at his hands, unable to think or move. Was he even breathing?

  “Ackles.” Chad’s voice was quiet, almost gentle. “You need to eat something. It’s been hours.”

  Jensen forced his head up, blinking at the plastic-wrapped sandwich Chad was holding out. He accepted it with a quiet nod that he hoped came across as gratitude. His fingers felt stiff, not curling as smoothly as they should.

  But he unwrapped it and took a careful bite.

  The sandwich tasted bland, like hospital food always did. Even the bread looked too white, as if the color had been leached out of it. Like the pallor of Jared’s skin against the pale blue bed covers and the machines hooked up to him and the blood…

  Jensen choked down the next bite, a sob stuck in his throat. Next to him, Chad twitched, like he wanted to comfort him but wasn’t sure whether it would be permitted.

  “Mr Ackles?”

  Jensen was on his feet immediately, as Dr Rhodes walked over to him. “Yes?”

  “Your husband is showing signs of waking up soon. You can sit with him now, if you want,” she said, smiling slightly. “Be warned- he may be confused and disoriented…”

  Whatever she was saying was mostly lost in a dizzying burst of relief and joy. Jared was going to wake up. Jared was going to be fine.

  It was only when she left that her words registered. “Husband?” He asked, turning to Chad.

  He shrugged, unrepentant and casual despite the tremulous grin at the corner of his mouth. “Figured it was the only way they’d let you in to see him later. You’re welcome.”

  Jensen would have laughed if he had the energy for it. But he managed a smile and together, they stepped into the private room.

  The sight of Jared made tears spring to his eyes. His hair was pushed back from his forehead, which had a shockingly white bandage wrapped around it. An oxygen mask was placed over his mouth. Jensen didn’t think he had the courage to look at the needles in his arm.

  Shaking, he sat down on one of the chairs beside the bed, and touched the back of Jared’s hand lightly. It was cooler than it should be.

  A second wave of emotion hit him. God, he’d almost lost him. He’d almost lost him.

  He closed his eyes tightly, gripping Jared’s hand more securely. Chad sat down on the other side, taking a deep breath of his own. “Who’d have thought a car geek like him didn’t know how to drive properly?”

  Jensen snorted tearfully. “Shut up, asshole.”

  “Just saying, we should-”

  The monitor’s beeping changed rhythm. Jensen straightened, heart pounding in his chest. “Jared?”

  His hand twitched under Jensen’s palm, fingers flexing against the covers. He took a slow, shallow breath. Jensen leaned forward, hoping. Jared’s eyes fluttered open, a delicate prism of colors that roamed around aimlessly, before settling on Jensen.

  “Hey, Jay,” he breathed out, barely gaining the presence of mind to press the call-button for the nurses.

  Jared’s face twisted slightly, lips parting under the oxygen mask. “Steph- Stephen?”

  Jensen’s world stopped with a resounding crash. On the opposite side, Chad looked almost comically horrified.

  Jared’s expression, still dazed, turned panicked, scared. Before Jensen could regain his wits, a nurse came in, ushering him and Chad out.

  “This is fucked up,” Chad said bluntly, staring at Dr Rhodes. “You can’t be serious. Amnesia? What is this, a suck-ass episode of Grey’s Anatomy?”

  Rhodes shot him a disapproving look. “It’s not uncommon,” she told Jensen. “Some amount of amnesia occurs in most cases of head injury. But sometimes, it is severe to the point of decades.”

  Decades. In Jared’s case, it was only six years. Six years of life gone, five of which Jared had spent with Jensen.

  He hadn’t been allowed in to see Jared again yet. Apparently, the best thing to do was surround Jared with familiar things. 

  Familiar, as in Stephen.

  “Stephen fucking Amell,” Chad spat as they left Rhodes’ office. “That asshole doesn’t deserve to be within ten feet of Jared and now they want him to, what, play at being a loving and caring boyfriend?”

  Jensen lit up his second cigarette of the afternoon.

  “Ackles?” Chad snapped his fingers in front of his nose. “You listening? Tell me you’re not considering this.”

  “What choice do we have?” He asked, resigned. “Jared doesn’t remember anything about me. He doesn’t even know who I am. As far as he knows, Stephen is his boyfriend.” He practically choked on the word. “We have to bring him in.”

  “Fuck!” Chad clenched his fist. “I need a drink. I’m not coming with you to talk to that man, I’d sooner break his face.”

  “Fine.” He inhaled deeply. “I’ll get him then.”

  Chad paused, looking guilty. “Look… I can come along.”

  “No.” Jensen shook his head. “I’ll do it. I’ll talk to him.”

  Finding Stephen Amell was easy. Jensen spent several minutes pacing outside the office building, trying to work up the nerve to go inside.

   Jared needs this, he reminded himself, not with a small amount of bitterness. This is for Jared.

  With a deep breath, he marched inside.

  Amell was in his office, on the phone. He greeted Jensen with a bland, polite smile, and Jensen couldn’t bring himself to return it.

  “Mr Ackles, was it? How can I help you?”

  He swallowed back the bile. “I’m here about Jared.”

  Like a stone, Amell’s smile dropped. “Jared?”

  Jensen nodded, sitting stiffly.

  Amell stared at him, then shook himself. “Is he… Okay? Are you… I don’t know what-”

  “He’s been in an accident,” Jensen said. “Head injury.”

  Amell turned a little pale. “I… I’m sorry- is he alright? Is he-”

  “He has amnesia,” he went on. “Six years worth of it. He thinks you two are still…”

  Amell continued to stare at him. “Amnesia.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Is… Is he gonna be okay?”

  Jensen clenched his jaw, unable to look at him anymore. “Doctors say the best thing to do is surround him with familiar things. Telling him everything about his real life right now might send him into a shock and make recovery harder.”

  Understanding was beginning to dawn on his face. “You can’t be serious. You want me to help?”

  “I don’t want you anywhere near him!” Jensen snarled. “I just don’t have another fucking option.”

  Amell took a deep breath of his own. “You guys are together, I’m guessing?”

  Jensen didn’t dignify that with a response, just looked coldly at him. “I need an answer. Are you going to help him or not?”

  Amell shook his head, running a hand through his hair. He looked grief-stricken, all of a sudden, and Jensen felt even more anger well up inside him.

  “He wouldn’t want me to help,” Amell said.

  “Well, unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury of respecting that wish right now,” Jensen replied. “Yes or no?”

  For a few moments, there was nothing. Then slowly, Amell nodded.

  Jensen thought it should fill him with relief. Instead, more trepidation came in its place. “Alright. We need some ground rules then.”

  Amell scoffed. “What, don’t make a move on him, don’t fall back in love with him?”

  “Don’t do anything to hurt him,” Jensen corrected coolly. “I don’t care how you feel about him. But you touch him, you take advantage of him in any way, and I will-”

  “Relax,” Amell cut him off. “Whatever happened between us was in the past. Six years in the past.”

  And still, Jensen couldn’t shake the certainty that everything was going to go wrong.

  It took only two days for Jared’s siblings to pack up almost everything Jared owned, shipping it from the apartment in Texas to Amell’s house in L.A.

  Jensen spent most of the first week in the hospital lobby, unable to leave and unable to watch Jared smile lovingly at the man who’d broken his heart so badly.

  Amell was, at least, visibly uncomfortable with the charade. It didn’t make Jensen glare at him any less, but it did ease his mind just a little. At the same time, he worried; what if Jared saw through it all?

  A sound of pain made Jensen look up from his reverie. Jared was being released, finally, and Amell was guiding him through the door. Jensen’s stomach clenched with fury.

  Then Jared spotted him, and his grimace turned into a tentative smile of greeting. Jensen’s shoulders relaxed of their own accord.

  “Hey.” He stood, walking up to them. “You ready to go?”

  “Looks like it, yeah.” Jared glanced at him askance. “You don’t need to be here, really. Stephen can drive me home-”

  “Oh, I’ve got nothing better to do,” Jensen said airily. Truth be told, he wasn’t ready to leave Jared alone with Amell in his house.

  Jared looked at Amell, who just shrugged. “Um… Alright. I just… You really don’t have to go to the trouble-”

  “It’s no trouble,” Jensen said, quieter.

  Jared pursed his lips, but let it go.

  The drive was short, but agonizingly silent. Jensen sat in the backseat, watching hawk-like as Jared kept casting soft smiles at Amell. He felt strangely like an outsider, like watching something topple from a height and knowing he couldn’t stop it from crashing and breaking.

  When they arrived, Jared took a sudden sharp breath at the house, as if unable to believe he lived here.

  “I’ll, uh… Take this up,” Amell muttered, taking the one bag of clothes and toiletries that Jensen had brought. He disappeared upstairs quickly and Jensen almost wanted to be thankful.

  But then he spotted Jared looking around with a lost expression, as if he couldn’t believe a single thing he saw here, and bitterness filled Jensen once more.

  He lasted 24 hours before visiting again. Only to find the house empty. Still, like a fool, he waited, sitting behind the wheel and idly wondering if any of the neighbors might report him as a Person of Interest.

  After two hours, he called Amell. “Where is he?”

  “Who?”

  “Jared,” Jensen growled.

  “Isn’t he home?” Amell sounded genuinely surprised and Jensen reminded himself that none of this was his fault.

  “No. I’m right outside.”

  “Oh.” Amell was quiet for a moment. “He did mention he might go visit that friend of his. Murray?”

  Jensen bit his lip. “Alright.” He was about to cut the call, then paused. “How is he?”

  Amell sighed, the sound scratchy and dismal. “He seems okay. Impatient. He mentioned a headache. But that’s all.”

  Jensen nodded to himself. “Thanks,” he bit out.

  “Don’t mention it,” Amell replied in the same tone.

  Twenty minutes later, his phone rang with Chad’s name. “Hey, man. Jared was just here.”

  “I gathered,” Jensen said dryly. “You couldn’t take a second to text me?”

  “I wasn’t sure you’d be able to restrain yourself from storming here all worried like a knight in an Impala armor.”

  Jensen closed his eyes, counting to ten. “So?”

  “So, nothing.” Chad’s tone was almost soothing, if casual. “He’s alright. He just wanted to catch up. I didn’t mention you much, just told him a little about myself and Sandy.”

  “Okay,” he sighed. “Okay, good.” A cab’s headlights shone in his side-mirrors. “I think he’s here.”

  “Alright, good. And Ackles… Careful, okay?” It was about as gentle as Chad could get.

  “I started reading one of my books,” Jared said, out-of-the-blue as they headed out of the abandoned zoo to the Impala.

  Jensen smiled. “Yeah? Which one?”

  “The romance. Waiting On The Right Time.”

  Jensen froze, heart speeding up a little. Not out of excitement, but the anguished certainty that whatever Jared had learned from reading that book was wrong. “Yeah?” Somehow, his voice remained steady. “How’d you like it?”

  “It was good,” Jared admitted with a shy laugh. “I never would have thought I’d write a love story. I mean, my other books have romance, obviously, but it was always a side-plot. Not the main motive. But this was…” He shook his head in bemusement. “But I’ve dedicated the book to Stephen, so that part at least makes sense.”

  There it was. Dedicated to Stephen fucking Amell.

  Jensen wanted to scream. Or throw up. Or grab Jared and kiss him until he remembered.

   To the man who taught me to be happy: I wish I’d met you earlier in life.

  Jensen remembered the day the book had been published. He remembered Jared nervously offering the author’s copy to him. He remembered the almost-unbearable amount of love threatening to burst out of his chest when he’d read the dedication.

  And now Jared thought it was for someone else.

  “Well,” he said blankly. “You’ve never been one to shy away from loud declarations.”

  “Guess not,” Jared chuckled. “Stephen used to call me dramatic.” His smile wavered for a second, eyes going distant and uncertain.

  Jensen didn’t have the energy to hope for some new revelation.

  Jared shook himself and patted the dashboard of the car. “I mean… This car isn’t exactly a subtle token of friendship.”

  There was something different in his tone. Something too careless, too deliberate. Like…

  Like he was fishing for an answer. A clarification.

  Jensen forced a laugh. “No, it’s not subtle,” was all he said.

  Jared watched him, waiting. When Jensen kept stubbornly quiet, he sighed, almost resigned, and looked away again.

  Almost a week later, Amell called him, telling him that Jared was in the hospital.

  Fear flooded Jensen’s chest. It took him fifteen minutes to be standing in the private ward, staring at Jared’s unconscious form and wishing desperately for this all to be a dream.

  Amell was acting odd. He didn’t leave the room, for one, sitting and staring at Jared from opposite Jensen. They even went to the bathroom in turns.

  It also really irked Jensen that Amell looked incredibly well put-together, despite Jensen arriving at the hospital barely an hour after him and looking horrifically disheveled.

  Finally, Jensen left the room when Dr Rhodes called him.

  Apparently, Jared’s tests were all normal. What happened had been nothing more than a sudden influx of memory and Jared’s brain needing to process it. According to Amell, they’d just been going out for dinner and drinks.

  Which also made Jensen’s blood boil, but for a different reason.

  Before he could dwell on it, Amell stepped out of the room. “He’s awake. Asking for you.”

  Jensen didn’t waste a single breath. He brushed past Amell, eager.

  Jared was sitting up, staring down at his hands. He looked up when the door opened, and Jensen couldn’t move for a second, trapped on the threshold.

  “Hey,” he breathed out.

  “How long have you been here?” Jared demanded.

  Jensen swallowed, retaking his chair beside the bed. “You’ve been out for 14 hours.”

  Jared stared at him, looking almost upset. “You’ve been here the whole time?”

  Jensen shrugged, self-conscious. He was even more aware than before of how wrecked he looked. He threaded a nervous hand through his hair, grimacing at the greasy texture, and he didn’t need a mirror to be sure there were deep hollows under his eyes.

  “Why?” Jared asked, quiet.

  “Where else would I be?”

  Jared grew more frayed with each word they spoke and Jensen tried to make a joke, tried to ease the tension.

  Jared burst into tears.

  There were no thoughts in Jensen’s head, only pure instinct that propelled him from his seat to the bed, gathering Jared into a tight embrace.

  It was closer than they’d been for weeks and a selfish part of Jensen breathed in the scent of Jared’s skin, buried as it was under dried sweat and antiseptics. Jared melted into him as easily as if he remembered the weight of the years they’d spent together. He clutched at Jensen as his sobs finally petered out and when he pulled back, he didn’t really pull back, just rested his forehead against Jensen’s. Or maybe Jensen did it and Jared let him.

  His eyes were still glistening wet, and his mouth was curled into a trembling smile, and it took every ounce of self-control Jensen had not to kiss him.

  Or maybe he should. Maybe, if going to one of their favorite restaurants had triggered such a severe flashback, then something more could fix it all.

  “Sorry for all the snot on your shoulder.”

  “It’s happened more times than you’d think,” Jensen assured.

  “Really?”

  “You cry a lot during movies, you know,” he murmured.

  Jared laughed slightly. “I know I do. Stephen used to tease me about it.”

  And just like that, the spell broke.

  Jensen pulled away, letting Jared explain his version of what happened. When Jensen gave an explanation for it, he was half-hearted with his lies, and he knew that Jared could tell.

  But before Jensen could reinforce it, the door reopened. Amell stood there, eyes fixed on them as Dr Rhodes began talking to Jared.

  Jensen stared back and the rage from earlier returned, making something click in his brain.

  Dinner and drinks at a restaurant famous for Texas-style barbecue and fine wine. The tension in Amell’s frame before Jared had woken. The grim determination in his eyes now.

   Fuck , Jensen thought dizzily. As if everything wasn’t already complicated enough. Now, he had to contend with Amell falling in love with Jared again.

  All of a sudden, it was too much. “I have to go,” Jensen blurted out, and he practically ran from the room, feeling Jared’s confused stare on his back.

  Jared was avoiding him. It was easy to tell, from the sparse texts and the terse phone calls.

  It was driving Jensen nuts. Thoughts of Amell manipulating Jared, feeding him false tales, turning him against Jensen…

  Maybe he should get more sleep instead of staying up watching trash TV.

  Ten days after the hospital incident, Jensen drove over to the house. He hesitated before going inside though. Despite himself, he called Amell.

  “Is Jared home?”

   No,” Amell said tightly. “He’s gone to see his agent.”

  Fuck. Cortese had called Jensen and told him- he’d completely forgotten.

  “Alright, never mind-”

  “I can see your car outside,” Amell said sharply.

  “Yeah, I just-”

  “Wait a sec.” The call ended.

  Jensen cursed, as the front door opened. Amell stepped out, dressed in regular sweats and a tee for fucking once. He had a hard look on his face and Jensen automatically braced for a fight.

  “What do you want?” He asked first.

  Amell raised both eyebrows. “You’re the one that drove over without calling ahead. What do you want?”

  “I’m here to see Jared, what do you think?”

  “Is that a good idea?” He asked. “I’m pretty sure he’s been avoiding you a little since getting released from the hospital.”

  Jensen internally winced. “What makes you think that?”

  Amell shrugged. “I can tell.”

  It made Jensen bristle, the easy assurance that Amell knew Jared well enough to glean something like this.

  “What are you playing at?” He asked.

  “What am I playing at?” Amell repeated. “I don’t know, Ackles, maybe I’m just trying to make up for a mistake I made six years ago.”

  It was as much a confession as any and Jensen took a step forward, crossing his arms in an effort to keep from punching the son of a bitch.

  “You are here, only because I have no other option,” he hissed. “You’re here to help him, not worm your way back into his good graces-”

  “I’m not manipulating him!” Amell snapped, his own fists clenched. “But if you think I’m not gonna take this chance to-”

  The honk of a cab made them startle, both taking a step back.

  Jared stepped out, eyes flitting from one to the other.

  Stephen exhaled slowly, heavily. “I’ll be inside.”

  Jensen stared at Jared, wishing there was a way to reconcile the anger slowly welling up in his chest and the recurrent desperation that he was losing everything.

  “Come in for dinner,” Jared requested, his manuscript tucked under his arm and a hand wrapped tightly around Jensen’s wrist. “Please?”

  “I should go,” Jensen said- he could count on one hand the number of times he’d refused Jared something. “But thank you.”

  Jared looked disappointed, as he let go, and it chipped another piece of Jensen’s heart.

  New York was a nightmare and a daydream rolled into one. For one, Jensen got to be alone with Jared for longer than a couple hours. But on the other hand, despite the little details that Jared seemed to oddly remember, Jensen couldn’t shake the creeping suspicion that Jared was hiding something from him.

  Jensen couldn’t even blame him. He had no filter, he knew, when it came to Amell. Everytime Jared mentioned his name or alluded to him, Jensen could feel the sneer threatening to make its way onto his face. He didn’t enjoy hurting Jared with it, but it wasn’t something he could control very well.

  And then there was the sleeping situation. For three nights, Jensen lay awake for hours, greedily drinking in the sight of Jared- lax in sleep, unguarded and without pain, with a few feet of space between their two separate beds.

  Queen size be damned, if Jared had given any indication he wanted it, Jensen would have crawled under the same covers with him.

  When it was time to return to LA, Jensen lost some of the cheerful demeanor he’d kept up for the trip. It cost him nothing to tease Jared about how he’d frozen out the most successful fashion model of the last couple years, but remembering that Jared had done it out of a sense of possessiveness only made Jensen bite his tongue.

   That wasn’t a detail he could talk about.

  And, as a cherry on top, he had no defense against Amell showing up to the airport, sidling close to Jared as if he had any right. As if Jensen couldn’t see how the coward didn’t have the guts to actually hold Jared. The way Jensen would have.

  Jealousy turned sour in Jensen’s mouth and he left, once again declining Jared’s invitation to join them for lunch.

  Jared’s whispered phone call that Amell wanted him to go to Tokyo with him sent Jensen into a downward spiral. He spent a day calling other people, forgoing all pride to beg them to change Jared’s mind on his behalf.

  They all refused for the same reason. Only Jared’s mom offered any real advice.

  “Sweetie, it has to come from you,” she said gently. “Even now, he trusts you more than anything else. If you tell him even a little of the truth- no lies, mind you- then he might just listen.”

  “Might,” Jensen repeated. “So even that’s not a guarantee.”

  She was quiet for a moment. “Nothing’s a guarantee, love.”

  The next day, he called Amell. “What the fuck are you thinking?”

  “About what?” Amell asked evenly.

  “Asking Jared to go to Tokyo with you?” He demanded. “When that’s the thing that broke you apart in the first place?”

  “Shouldn’t you be happy? If it goes wrong, it might make him remember everything and go back to you.”

  “Yeah, or shock him with too much information!” He couldn’t sit still, pacing the length of his small office. “And anyway- let’s not forget why you did this in the first place. You don’t want him to remember. You took a gamble and it paid off, because it didn’t trigger memories. Now, if he wants to go with you, you get a do-over.”

  “Exactly.” Amell didn’t even bother to sound apologetic or ashamed. “That’s all I want, Ackles. A second chance.”

  “At the price of his recovery?”

  “You know, I did some reading,” Amell said. “Amnesia patients can recover and live a perfectly normal life without ever regaining their lost memories.”

  For a moment, Jensen seethed in disbelief. “Fuck you, Amell,” he whispered. 

  “Listen to me, you-”

  “No, you listen! What the hell were you thinking-”

  “Don’t make me out to be some kind of irredeemable villain!” Amell said, raising his voice at last, a note of vulnerability in his words. “You’re no better, with the constant inside jokes and forcing him on nostalgia trips.”

  “Don’t turn this around on me!” Jensen shouted. “I’m not the one leading him into a life that isn’t his!”

  There was a sudden knock on his door.

  Jensen pinched the bride of his nose, forcing himself to take deep breaths. “We’re not done talking about this,” he said.

  “Yeah, actually, we are.” Amell cut the call.

  Jensen muttered a curse to himself, then called out for the visitor to come in.

  Jared stepped in.

  Jensen did a double-take. For once, seeing Jared didn’t calm him. Instead, it made the roil of emotions in his chest stronger, wilder. And then he spotted the edge of a bruise on the side of Jared’s neck. A hickey.

  Jensen saw red. He was vaguely aware of walking towards Jared, far too much into his space for it to be excusable.

  Jared stumbled back from him. “What was that about?”

  “What?”

  “Don’t treat me like an idiot!” 

  Jensen found the willpower to lift his eyes from the mark that someone else had left on Jared’s skin.

  “You were on the phone with Stephen,” he went on. “What was going on?”

  And this time, Jensen gave up on subterfuge. If he had to lay a few more cards on the table and beg, then so be it.

  Texas was almost perfect.

  Jensen had always felt at home with the Padalecki brood and this time was no different. When he stepped through the threshold and Sherri wrapped him in a tight hug, he felt almost normal.

  Like this was just a regular vacation from their city-hopping life.

  The only hitch was when Jared nearly saw the photo in his old room before Jensen snatched it up.

  In hindsight, Jensen concurred that the photo itself wasn’t too damning. But when he’d seen it, his first instinct had been the terrified certainty that Jared would take one look at it and recognize Jensen’s smile in it for what it was.

  Love. To the point of devotion.

  “Jensen?” Sherri was looking at him sadly. They were in Gerald’s office, the only place Jared and his siblings didn’t enter much.

  “I’m alright,” Jensen tried to say.

  “It’s alright if you’re not,” she said.

  He gave a humorless laugh. “What choice do I have? If I take a second to think about all the ways I could lose him…”

  “You’re not going to lose him!” Sherri insisted, squeezing his hands. “Why would you even think that?”

  “Because nothing I do seems to work,” Jensen said. “He just keeps getting this look on his face, like he’s lost, and it’s killing me that I can’t help. I can’t even- fuck, and then sometimes, I’ll slip up, I’ll make some old joke or talk about a place we went- it’s like he doesn’t believe me- no, like he doesn’t want to believe me.”

  There were tears in his eyes, much to his frustration, and he pressed a hand over his face, willing his body to stop shaking. The dam in his chest was threatening to burst, but he couldn’t put that on Sherri. Not when she was already worrying so much about him along with her own son.

  But apart from that little hiccup, Texas was, in fact, perfect.

  Three days later, in the hotel room that the two of them had been staying in together eight months ago, Jared kissed him on a whim.

  And whatever was left of Jensen’s heart broke.

Chapter Text

  Jared had calmed down by the time he got to Stephen’s house. Almost.

  Stephen looked, for his part, genuinely surprised to see him at the door. “Jared?”

  “Have you been lying to me?” Jared asked without preamble.

  The change in Stephen’s face was instantaneous. He looked like Jared had struck him, but with the pain was an insurmountable guilt.

  Jared lost the calmness he’d gained. “How could you?!” He yelled, shoving Stephen back.

  He stumbled into the house and Jared stepped in, the feeling of betrayal making him almost shake in anger.

  Stephen held his hands up. “Jared, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. It’s just- the doctors said you needed to be kept comfortable. Your old life, no shocks.”

  Jared gave a hollow laugh. “So you pretended- every single one of you- pretended that I was still with you?”

  He pursed his lips, nodding.

  “And that included, what, sleeping with me?” Jared spat out.

  At that, Stephen flinched, and Jared felt a dirty satisfaction at hurting him back.

  The sensation of it was so strong, it gave him pause. What was he doing?

  He tugged at his own hair with both hands, groaning in frustration. “I don’t even know what the hell to say to you, Stephen.”

  Stephen didn’t look away from him. “Ask me something then.”

  Jared swallowed. “Why’d you do it?”

  “Why do you think?” Stephen smiled sadly. “I realized how much I’d missed you. How much I lov-”

  “Don’t!” Jared shook his head, jaw tight. “Don’t you dare tell me you love me.”

  “Look, I don’t blame you for not believing me, but that doesn’t make it any less true,” Stephen said. “Why else do you think I did this?”

  Jared shook his head. “I don’t- it doesn’t matter.”

  “Doesn’t matter?” Stephen stared at him, almost helpless. “Because of Ackles? He left you.”

  “He left me because he thought I was happy with you!” Jared snapped. “ That’s love, Stephen.”

  “And you think this was easy for me?” He yelled. “Having a second chance with you after all these years and still feeling it all slip away? Finally getting you back and actually watching you fall for someone else?”

  “Then you should have just stopped!” Jared exclaimed. “You should have stopped leading me on and confusing me- god, do you know what’s been going on through my head all this time? I thought I was cheating on you, I thought I was some sick asshole who’s in love with his best friend but is still in a relationship with a perfectly nice guy- Jesus Christ, Stephen-” He covered his face with his palms, falling onto the armchair.

  The fancy antique wall clock ticked obnoxiously loud as Jared tried to steady his breathing. It was the only sound in the room, a threat that Jared only had so much time to fix what he could of his life.

  The decision was clear. He knew what he had to do. He just had to finish this conversation first.

  “If I’d never remembered everything ever again,” he said quietly. “This still wouldn’t have lasted, Stephen. You’ve got to know that, deep down. You’re just not brave enough to really be with me and maybe… Maybe you never will find that courage. Not for me anyway.” He looked up to find Stephen staring blankly at the floor. “And how could I settle for that when… When Jensen’s right there?”

  There was the subtlest flinch at Jensen’s name. Jared couldn’t find it in himself to feel bad. Maybe he would have eight months ago, but now? Not so much.

  Jared stood, taking a deep breath, looking around the house he’d been drifting around for the better part of a year. No wonder it had never felt like home. He walked towards the door.

  “Jared,” Stephen started. “Wait, I just-”

  “Goodbye, Stephen,” Jared said, as gently as he could bear to, and pulled the front door close behind himself.

  Jensen was fine.

  No, really, he was doing fine. Ready to tear out a cocky nineteen year old’s hair for the attitude he was giving everyone around him, but otherwise fine. Besides, boyband members’ hairs were, apparently, often insured for a couple thousand dollars. Or so Jensen was told.

  Whatever. Asshole clients were nothing new. He could deal with it. He was fine.

  “Sir?” Felicia appeared at his office door, uncharacteristically gentle. She was always gentle with him these days. “It’s getting late. You should get home.”

  “I will,” Jensen assured. “You go on ahead, I just want to finish-”

  “Sir, Jensen, please,” she sighed, leaning against the doorframe. “It’s Friday night. Go home, relax. You’ve been working nonstop since… Since we got here.”

  It had only been about a week, Jensen thought sourly. But Felicia’s little frown had always reminded him of Mackenzie, and he was notoriously bad at saying ‘no’ to his little sister.

  “Alright,” he groused, saving his progress on the hundredth photo of the same four faces he’d been staring at for days now. “I’ll lock up though, you go ahead.”

  “Alright. Thanks, sir. Goodnight.” She gave him a last concerned glance, before disappearing.

  Jensen sat in his chair for another few minutes anyway. Not working, just… Idly swiveling the chair side-to-side, trying to think about anything other than the fact that Jared wasn’t waiting for him back at the flat.

  Their London home was the only property they fully owned, since their place in Austin was actually Jensen’s grandparents’ old house. It had been Jared’s idea, a fanciful wish of living in Central London that had appealed to Jensen the second he’d tried to picture it.

  Now Jared didn’t even remember it. He didn’t remember their London apartment, he didn’t remember the Austin house, and he didn’t even remember Koda, the rescue German Shepherd Jensen had brought home one day as a surprise. The dog was probably just as heartbroken as Jensen was at Jared’s absence.

  God. Jensen needed a drink. Or sleep. Preferably both.

  It took ten minutes to wrap everything up and lock the office. It was late, but London was always awake, so a cab was easy to find. He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. There was no peace in looking out the window at the city that had Jared’s prints all over it.

  The cab pulled over and Jensen paid the fare distractedly, trying to remember if he had anything in the fridge that might constitute dinner or if he should order something in.

  Then he noticed the light of his third-floor living room window was on.

  Jensen had left in the morning, there was no reason for the lights to be on. Had someone broken in? Had Danneel decided to pay an impromptu visit? Or Chris?

  In hindsight, they really shouldn’t have given spare keys to so many of their friends.

  Grumbling, too tired to be concerned about a burglar, Jensen made his way upstairs. The front door was, thankfully, locked, so that ruled out forced entry. He used his own key, already planning out a speech about boundaries and entering people’s homes uninvited-

  Koda barked loudly, rushing to him in greeting. He stumbled back with a grunt, laughing slightly as he petted a furry head. “Easy, boy, what’s got you all excited?”

  Koda rushed away again, straight to-

  Oh.

  Everything in Jensen went still and he could do nothing but stare at Koda wriggling around at the foot of the armchair, whining for belly rubs. Jared obliged, but his eyes stayed fixed on Jensen.

  “Hey,” he said softly.

  “You…” Jensen half-wondered if he’d gone mad and was seeing things, but Koda was clearly ecstatic to have his favorite person back after so long.

  “I’m sorry,” Jared mumbled. “I just landed, like, a couple hours ago. Figured you should be home by now, but you weren’t here- I called Felicia, she said you’d be back soon.”

  “I was…”

  Jared stared back, face unreadable.

  Jensen walked slowly, carefully, to the couch, and collapsed. “I don’t understand.”

  “The boxes you left for me? My laptop was in one of them.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “The password was your birthday,” Jared muttered. “The wallpaper was a picture of us.”

  Fuck. That had completely slipped Jensen’s mind. How could he have been so stupid?

  “Wait.” Jensen straightened a little, thoughts starting to catch up. His heartbeat skipped hopefully, nervously. “That means- you- do you- do you remember?” He finished in a whisper.

  Jared took a deep breath, finally looking away. “Most of it. Not everything. Enough.”

  “Enough?” Jensen repeated.

  Jared gave a last vigorous rub to Koda’s snout, then stood. It took three large steps of his long legs to reach the couch and then he was sitting down next to Jensen, knees folded under him and facing sideways, straight into Jensen’s eyes.

  Jensen couldn’t breathe.

  “Enough,” Jared said softly. “To know where I’m supposed to be.”

  It was hard to swallow with a sob threatening to escape his throat. Jensen didn’t know if he wanted to cry out of relief or unacceptance. “How are you here?”

  “Long story short?” Jared shrugged. “I called mom. Flew to Texas. Packed up my shit, took her spare keys, got another flight here.”

  “Just like that?” Jensen choked out.

  “Just like that,” he agreed in a whisper. He reached up slowly, as if unsure. But he didn’t change his mind, and his fingertips touched Jensen’s jaw.

  Jensen shivered, leaning into the barely-there touch. Even this felt like too much.

  “You should have just told me,” Jared said, almost accusing.

  “I couldn’t risk it hurting you,” Jensen refuted.

  “I know.”

  Jared closed his eyes. His fingers moved and Jensen knew he was tracing the faintest line of freckles under his ear. From memory. And it was memory that pulled him forward, until his lips were brushing Jensen’s.

  Jensen drew in a shaky breath, terrified to move. Then Jared kissed him harder, bruisingly, and Jensen clutched at him, fingers sinking into his hair like no time had passed since the last time they’d been in this room together.

  “Don’t ever do that again,” Jared begged against his lips. “Please, Jensen, god, don’t ever leave me like that again.”

  “Don’t forget me again,” Jensen shot back and it earned him a strangled laugh.

  “I’m sorry-”

  “No, don’t.” Jensen shook his head. “Don’t you dare. No apologies.”

  Jared swallowed. Jensen could feel it against his own palm, resting on the side of Jared’s neck.

  “Can I say something else?” Jared asked.

  “Anything else,” Jensen said.

  Jared pulled back just enough to lean his forehead against Jensen’s. “I remember how much I love you.”

  And what more could Jensen ask for, really?