Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I felt like I’d just stepped into a trashy fanfic.

The front desk clerk hadn’t looked me in the eye the entire time I stood in the lobby, water streaming off my coat and onto the tile floor. I grimaced in sympathy for whoever had to clean it later.

‘It’s a forty dollar charge if you lose the key, checkout is at eleven. Enjoy your stay’. Her voice was as hollow as her expression, her eyes only fluttered up from the computer screen when Loki spoke. The way he managed to charm everyone he met reminded me of the cat I had when I was younger, who had everyone cooing over his handsome fur and good manners.

‘Lovely’ I huffed and swiped the key attached to a clunky plastic tag. The key, and the entire motel for that matter, had been left for dead in the 80’s. The only two things that gave away the decade we were actually in were the computer and the people.

It had been a day from hell. Starting as what was supposed to be a simple recon mission, it somehow ended in guts and blood. I was sore, tired, beat up, and a little bloody. All hope of curling up in my own bed back at the compound vanished with a rainstorm heavy enough that Stark couldn't get anyone to fly us back. We were stuck in the middle of, Iowa? Illinois? Indiana? Some god awful mid western state, in the smallest town I have ever been in, at a motel between a dairy farm and a corn field. The rain made travel difficult, even for the people that were driving. So of course, the motel only had one room left.

My boots clunked on the tile and I shook more water out of my hair as I walked, not waiting to see if Loki would follow. He gave himself away though by leaning in towards my ear.

‘Don’t act so disappointed to be sharing a bed with me darling.'

The roll of my eyes was a very natural movement when I was around Loki. ‘Don’t get your hopes up, we’re not sharing a bed.' I fiddled with the lock on room 13 before hearing a click and shoving past the entrance, eager to put some distance between Loki and I.

My bag landed on the carpet next to the couch and I began to peel my coat and boots off.

Loki had an annoying habit of staring at me. His eyes were always lingering. I’m usually very good at reading people but I could never tell what he was thinking when looking at me. I’m not sure he knew what he was thinking either.

‘You don’t have to make up the couch for me dear’ he noted as I pulled down extra sheets and pillows from the top of the closet and began to arrange them.

‘Ha, bold of you to assume I would ever do anything for you. I’m taking the couch. I’m far too exhausted to fight over the bed.’ I began pulling dry clothes out of my bag.

‘I assure you, I don’t make it a habit to fight over beds.’ He smirked. I scoffed. A very natural exchange for us.

‘I’m not in the mood for games, I’m gonna change’ I leaned back up from my bag and a shock ran through my side. I hoped he didn’t notice my wince. I made it a habit to not seem weak around him.

I tried to walk away to the bathroom quickly but my wrist didn’t follow. He gently pulled me back a few steps.

‘You’re hurt.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘You’re too brave around me darling.’ I turned to face him and searched his face. His brow was furrowed but his eyes were soft; he held back a smirk.

‘I’m not being brave, it’s probably just a scratch’ I tried to pull and turn away again but the pain in my side flared up again at the movement. I bit back a gasp.

‘You’re bleeding through your shirt,’ he noted and traced the pattern staining the stark white of my button up, ‘you midgardians are so fragile.’

‘Believe me, I’m anything but fragile. I’m going to go take,. care of., it.,’ the adrenaline was wearing off and began to wince through my words. I gritted my teeth in hopes that the pain wouldn’t show I’m my face.

Stepping back again, I stumbled slightly. I was tired, wet, sore; I wanted to curl up in the shower and wash away all the pain from the day.

Loki moved with me to steady my stumble.

‘No you’re not. You need to sit. Come.’ He twisted past me, still holding my wrist, dragging me to the bathroom.

‘I told you, I can take care of myself.’ It was a half hearted protest.

‘And I told you, you can’t. Sit.’

A groan and eye roll is all I could manage. When I placed my hands on the bathroom counter and started to lift myself up I winced again. Loki gently placed his hands on my hips and lifted me up the rest of the way.

His hands lingered, I was too exhausted to mind. His left hand began to trail up to where the blood was pooling out onto my shirt, ‘do you mind?’ He looked me in the eye. I shrugged and unbuttoned my shirt.

I’m normally a shy person, but I knew there was nothing I needed to be shy about in that moment. I pulled my shirt off my shoulders for it to rest on my elbows and straightened so that Loki could look at the wound. I looked down; ouch. It was a lot worse than I thought. ‘It’s gonna need stitches,’ I huffed out, ‘I have a med kit in my bag.’ Loki pulled away from me to go find it. I rested the back of my head on the mirror behind me and closed my eyes until I heard his foot steps come back.

‘This is going to hurt.’ He warned before he pressed a bandage soaked in peroxide to my side.

I half heartedly let out a one syllable laugh. ‘Ha, forever underestimating me. You don’t get to be where I am if you can’t handle a little pain.’

He smirked, ‘you almost seem to enjoy it. You should get injured around me more often.’

My eyes rolled away from him out of habit.

‘I can numb you a little for the stitches, I can’t promise it won’t hurt though. Don’t get too excited.’ He threaded a needle and moved in closer, spreading my legs slightly with his hips.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this close to him unless we were training. It wasn’t for lack of trying on his end. When he wasn’t staring, he was moving to try and bridge the distance between us.
He likes to see if I will get nervous if he wanders too close. I never allow him the satisfaction.

The heat of the wound turned to ice and I gasped at the sudden change, as Loki gently traced his fingers around it to numb the area the best he could.

‘Do you play doctor often?’ I offered to steer the conversation in a different direction as he started to pull the needle through my skin.

‘I don’t make it a habit to heal people, I’m usually the one inflicting the wounds’, he paused and I watched his eyes trail across my torso and up to my chest. I suddenly felt very exposed. ‘You have a lot of scars. Are they all from missions?’

‘Most’ I said quietly. ‘You don’t scar easily, do you?’

He politely elected to ignore the way I was avoiding the subject of my scars and shrugged. ‘I told you. Midgardians are fragile. If someone wanted to leave a mark on me they’d have to be very insistent.’

I hummed in response. He lightly put his hand on my lower back and pulled it so that I was curved for him to see the rest of the stitching.

‘I don’t see you leave the compound much.’ It wasn’t a question but he was waiting for an answer.

‘I don’t have much to leave it for’ I offered. He pried too much. ‘There’s a bookstore I don’t mind wasting time in a few blocks away though. The kind you’d walk by a thousand times before you noticed it.’

This time he didn’t ignore my change of subject. ‘I hear most of everyone at the compound doesn’t have much to leave for either, no family or such. You’ve never talked about it, so I can assume it’s the same for you?’

I couldn’t tell if he was interested or just trying to distract me from the stitches weaving through my skin. I acted disinterested at the topic of family, ‘yeah, you can assume.’

He nodded slowly as he tied off the thread. ‘You don’t talk much about your life on the outside.’

‘That’s because there’s not much to talk about. I can handle the rest thanks.’ I shoved off the counter in an effort to push him away but he barely moved.

He lifted a hand to my chin, lifting it slightly and traced his thumb over my lip.

'You split your lip open too, I could numb that as well if you like.' There was a hint of playfulness in his voice.

'I told you, its fine.' I slapped a bandage over Loki’s handiwork and nudged him out of the way. He gave in and left me to change.

I stepped out, ready to flop onto the couch and put the day to rest. When I turned, I saw Loki was already laying on the couch, book in hand.

‘Move’ I said. I was done with him today. I crossed my arms, he didn’t even look up at me.

‘Take the bed’ is all the told me.

‘I told you, I’m not about to fight over sleeping arrangements. And don’t start doing that.’

‘Doing what?’ He turned a page.

‘Treating me like I’m a ‘fragile midgardian’. I don’t need you to give me the bed just because you’re pitying me.’ I huffed.

This time he looked up, ‘pity you? You never give me much to think of when it comes to you, so why would I pity you?’ He began to stand up and put his book down.

‘And what is that supposed to mean?’ I stood my ground as he stood up inches in front of me.

‘You’re a guarded person’ he huffed out. ‘I can charm anyone into telling me every detail of their lives. You don’t even let me see what you’re feeling. Every action and word you offer is designed to push me back.’

I felt small, standing underneath him with my head tilted back. I searched his eyes, trying to understand what game he was trying to play. ‘I can’t figure you out.’ Is all I could manage to retaliate.

‘People are not yours to figure out, dear. You act like everyone around you has an ulterior motive. The world isn’t against you’ he raised his arm to,

Well,

I wasn’t sure why he raised his arm because I instinctually flinched my head to the side, averting my eyes. His hand now hovered near my shoulder. He was staring at me again. Trying to read something on my face. I wouldn’t let him.

‘I’ll take the bed,’ I finally said as I stepped away to put distance between us, ‘not because you won, but because I’m exhausted.’

I walked towards the bed and found that my wrist had betrayed me again. I huffed but didn’t look at him. I longed for the past when he let me change the subject without acknowledging it.

‘What are your other scars from?’ He finally said. Softly. I don’t think I’d ever heard him speak softly with the undertone of kindness; his voice was usually carried by sarcastic or flirtatious tones.

Rejecting every instinct in my body, I turned on my heels to face him. I still couldn’t read his face. ‘It’s the reason I have nothing to leave the compound for,’ I finally offered. He looked into my eyes and I fought the urge to look down at my feet, ‘I had a dad, as most people do. He wasn’t kind to my mom. I interjected when I could, and when I did he wasn’t kind to me either. That’s that.’ In habit, I didn’t allow any emotion into my words or onto my face.

He stepped closer with hesitation. I moved my eyes from his to watch him move. When he finished closing distance, he said ‘do you think I would hurt you?’

I furrowed my brow at the question and brought my eyes up to his again, ‘that’s a ridiculous question, no one hurts me.’

I watched him raise his hand to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, I stood my ground. ‘Because you don’t let people get close enough to do so’ again, not a question. I felt more exposed than on the bathroom sink. It went against every instinct I had to let anyone see me this transparently. ‘I want to get to know you, if you’d let me some time.’ His hand lingered in my hair.

I searched his eyes again. Usually, I could find at least three different emotions on his face. This time, all I could see was warmth.

I finally opened my mouth to speak, ‘another day, I’ve got too many issues to sort out tonight.’ I offered the ghost of a smile and made my way to the bed, I could tell he was still staring at me. ‘You don’t have to sleep on the couch though, the beds big enough. As long as you aren’t one of those annoying people who move too much in their sleep.’ I said without looking at him, climbing under the sheets and turning the light switch off near the entrance with my magic.

I heard a small one syllable laugh, a shuffle, and then felt the blankets rustle on the the other side of the bed.

I was too exhausted to think anymore.

Chapter Text

When I woke up, something was wrong.

My body stiffened.

There was a weight around me.

It took my post-sleep brain a few more seconds to realize that Loki had made his way from his side of the bed and into my personal space. We were both laying on our sides, he was pressed to my back with one arm looped around my waist.

My body stayed ridged and I held my breath for a minute. There was only a small amount of light coming in from the window; it must still be early in the morning. I decided that this was not something I wanted to talk about when he wakes up, so I relaxed and willed myself to go back to sleep.

Sleep didn’t come, so I layed there with my eyes closed until I felt Loki move.

I kept my body relaxed, hoping that he’ll think I’m still sleeping. I felt him stiffen into a small stretch, then relax again. He brought his hand in closer to my stomach, holding me tighter.

We layed like that for a few minutes until he stirred again. Moving slowly, trying to to wake me, I felt him sit up slightly and brush a few stray stands of hair away from my face. He leaned down, and I felt his breath linger near my temple. He seemed to decide against whatever he was thinking of doing, got up, and went into the bathroom.

After a few minutes I got up to grab a book until the bathroom was free.

When the bathroom door opened, Loki was dressed and his hair was wet. I made a point to not look at him directly.

‘Morning’ he said.

‘Morning.’ I didn’t look up from my book.

‘I must say, that was the most well behaved I’ve ever been with someone in my bed’. I still didn’t look at him, but I knew he was smirking.
He was going to be difficult today, so I decided I would be too.

‘It’s not your bed. I’m going to take a shower’. I started towards the bathroom. Annoyingly, he wouldn’t move out of the way so I had to brush by him.

‘If I knew you were wanting to shower I would have told you to join me, since we seem to be sharing lately’. I closed the door on his smirk.

I knew exactly the type of person Loki was. He thrived on attention. That was exactly what I wasn’t going to give him today. He wants to get under my skin. He wanted to know that he could have an effect on me. Even if that meant that effect was making me incredibly annoyed. I won’t let him know how insufferable he is today.
When I showered, I traced my thumb over the cut on my lip as Loki had yesterday.

When I left the bathroom I immediately went to my bag to pack for checkout, until I realized;
‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’ Lightning lit up the room from the window.

****

‘Sorry kid, not a single pilot is gonna fly you through these storm clouds’. I groaned into the phone.

‘You’ve got to be kidding me. What about a car?’

‘If you want to drive fourteen hours through a rain storm be my guest’. My stomach twisted. I wasn’t scared of anything. But if I was being truthful, I would say that driving in anything but desirable conditions sent my anxiety over the edge.

And spiders.

I fucking hate spiders.

I hung up my phone call with Tony and threw myself on the bed. A frustrated ‘Ughhhhhh’ was all I could manage after putting a pillow over my face.

‘Don’t be so dramatic, dear. I can think of a lot of ways we can make the best out of this situation’. I pulled the pillow off my face to meet Loki’s smirk with a glare. ‘And don’t throw yourself around like that, you’re going to rip your stitches’ he said and let his eyes fall back down to his book, but not before letting them linger down my body.

I rolled my self over onto my stomach with just enough force to let him know what I’m not going to be taking his advice.

‘Besides, you don’t need an excuse like ripped stitches to get near me again’ he quipped. I was going to snap back, but remembered what I told myself. I’m not going to feed his egotistical nonsense. Not today. 

I leaned over and picked up my book instead. He was staring again, waiting for me to say or do something.

When I wouldn’t give him what he wanted he continued to annoy me.

‘Hm, you weren’t this silent last night. Has anyone ever told you that you talk in your sleep?’

I felt my cheeks heat up immediately, keeping my eyes glued to the page I stood my ground.

‘I’ll take that as a no. It was very intriguing. I had no idea you thought enough about me for me to be in your dreams.’
My cheeks burned feverishly. I was trying to decide if he was lying to get under my skin.

I broke. ‘Must have been having a nightmare’. I tried to sound nonchalant.

‘I think your blush and your voice last night would say otherwise’ he was smirking at me.

‘You’re insufferable’ I huffed.

‘Some people would call it charming’ he said.

‘I’m not some people.’ I sat up, repositioning myself on the bed.

He stood up and walked towards the door, stopping at my side to lean in and whisper ‘that’s exactly what I adore about you’.
I rolled my eyes and he kept walking, ‘I’m going to ask the front desk if they have any more complimentary tea’ he said as he left. Dammit. He was so pleased that he’d gotten to me. He was someone I found particularly difficult to bite my tongue around.

Chapter Text

‘That’s it, I can’t take it any more. I need to get out of this room. I’m going for a walk’. I threw my book down. It was boring anyway. The kind you have to force yourself to get through in case the ending surprises you, but you know it won’t.

‘If you’re thinking of going outside I insist you don’t, you’re going to catch a cold in the rain’. He didn’t look up from his book until he heard me stomp my feet into my combat boots and head towards the door.

‘How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not fragile. I won’t melt in the rain.’ I opened the door and didn’t bother to close it behind me on my way out.

I heard Loki curse behind me before he conjured outerwear for himself and hurried to catch up with me.

‘I would be rather appreciative if you wouldn’t drag us out there. Like I said, we can find many interesting ways to pass the time.’

‘I didn’t force you to follow me.’ I threw the motel lobby doors open; Loki hesitated, but ultimately continued walking.

‘At least use an umbrella’ he said as he conjured one up and held it above my head. I flicked my fingers and with my magic it flew off into the nearby ditch.
He conjured another one.

‘An umbrella defeats the purpose of walking in the rain’ I held my head back and closed my eyes. I flicked the umbrella out of the way again, letting the rain fall onto my face.

‘And what exactly is the purpose of this?’ I tilted my head to look at him. He had conjured another umbrella, but held this one above himself. He was annoyed, with his eyebrows scrunched together. 
It was kind of adorable.

In an infuriating way.

I huffed and turned away from him again. ‘I was suffocating in there. I needed air. I am fifteen hundred miles from my own bed in what seems to be the smallest, most boring town in the entire country for the foreseeable future and the only book I brought is shit because I was not planning on this taking longer than a day. That’s the purpose of this. To just stop thinking of everything else and just feel some rain on my face.’ I noticed that Loki stopped walking a few feet behind me. I also noticed that I was raising my voice slightly. Not in an angry way, just in the way that when all the words spill out of your mouth in a rush with such importance they can’t help but seem a little loud.

I turned back to look at him. He was annoyed, entertained, and slightly uncomfortable with his shoulders hunched to his ears and his hands in his coat pockets. I noticed that he ditched whatever magical umbrella he was holding to keep himself out of the rain.

We stood like that for a few minutes, staring at each other. A bolt of lightning lit up the sky, the sound of thunder followed.

‘Are you done with the rain yet?’ Loki broke the silence.

‘Absolutely not. I’m waiting.’

‘Waiting?’ I realized we looked ridiculous to the singular farm truck that drove by us, and that we had to slightly shout at each other over the rain and distance.

‘Waiting for something to happen’. I tucked my hands into my jacket pockets.

‘Something?’ Him echoing my words was starting to annoy me. ‘Something like what?’

‘I don’t know what, that’s why I just said I’m waiting.’

Confusion and annoyance spread further across his face and I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want him following me in the first place. I turned back around and took in where we were. There wasn’t much to see, just a lot of corn. We were near a corn field.

On the other side of the road there was grass, so I headed in that direction.

I didn’t know if Loki was following me anymore and I didn’t care. I made it across the street, found grass that had been flattened down by the rain, and flattened myself down with it.
I closed my eyes, limbs spread out. I felt exposed for the third time within twenty four hours.

The earth seemed to curve with my back, and the breeze matched my breathing. I took it all in. The rain was falling harder now, stinging my face. My brain was un-clouding from the mess that had been the past day and a half of my life.

I don't know how long I was laying there until I felt a rustle beside me. I open my eyes and turned my face to the left, only for my nose to meet Loki’s nose. My breath hitched at the sudden closeness. I looked to his eyes, and I saw a softness mixed with that same old something else that I just couldn’t figure out.

‘I think I get it now. The purpose.’ He said.

Chapter Text

I asked the front desk clerk if any rooms became available overnight. When she told me in her dull voice that there wasn’t, I paid for another night.

I washed the rain and dirt off my skin in the shower and curled back up on the bed, flipping through television channels while Loki took a shower next.

By the time he returned I concluded that out of all twelve channels the motel got, none of them were interesting enough to leave on.

To keep the boredom from seeping back in, I opted to plug my phone into the television speakers and pulled up whatever music I had saved.

The music was slow, but interesting enough to hold my attention. I flopped back onto the bed and closed my eyes, picturing that I was back at the compound in my own bed.

It was hard to do this since all I could hear was Loki rustling around the room.

I finally sat up with a huff and put my weight on my elbows, ‘what are you doing?’

He turned away from the mini fridge and held up six shot bottles that he had found, with a devious smile. ‘I figured, what do most people do in a town where the population of people is outweighed by the population of cows? They drink.’ He found two paper cups and started to pour.

It was only five pm, but I never pass up a drink, so I shrugged and stood up, taking a cup from his hand. ‘Six shots won’t nearly be enough.’

After quite a few trips back to the front desk for more liquor, the clerk finally decided to fill a box for us so we would stop bothering her. I told her to put it on the card on file. Thanks, Tony.

I couldn’t decide if Loki had grown on me enough to make me laugh, or if I was just that drunk. After stumbling to change the music playlist, I decided I was just drunk.

‘Your music is strange.’ Loki told me when I changed the song.

‘It’s supposed to be strange. It makes you feel it more.’ I said. He was talking about Bleachers, one of the only bands I had saved to my phone.

‘What exactly am I supposed to be feeling?’ He raised an eyebrow as the instrumentation of the next song came up.

‘Well, you’re supposed to decide that.’ I swayed standing near my phone, both hands around my paper cup.

I felt Loki watching me move, so I stopped. He stood up and walked towards me. ‘I’m deciding it’s making me feel depressed. It’s tempo is too slow to make me feel anything else.’

I stiffened as I felt one of his hands go up my back and the other pull me towards him by my elbow.

‘What are you doing?’ I asked as he took my hand in his. My eyes widened slightly and I furrowed my brow. 

‘Slow songs are meant to be danced to’ he had a mischievous smirk on his face that I didn’t like the look of.

‘You’re going go have to get me a little more drunk if you want me to dance with you’ I smirked back at him.
Instead, before I could protest further, he took my cup from me, placed it on a near by table, and pulled me into to move with him as he started to lead.

For someone who was trained extensively in combat, I was clumsy. Loki pulled us slowly, but my feet still betrayed me. I brought my hand up and around his back to hold his shoulder for balance. I let out a small giggle when I stumbled again. 

‘You know, I’m starting to not mind your company’ I said as I leaned my head to his chest.

‘You may be the first to admit that to me.' He rested his cheek on the top of my head, talking quietly into my ear.

‘Well, the liquor helps, so don’t get too confident’ I teased, giving his hand that held mine a light squeeze.

‘In that case I’ll get you drunk more often.’ I could feel his mouth shift into a smirk against my hair.

For a few minutes there was just the music, and the faint sound of Loki’s heartbeat in my ears.

I suddenly felt uneasy about the idea of someone being so close to me.

Physically and emotionally.

The liquor fueled a few hours of talking between us tonight. This wasn’t something I made a habit of. Sure, I’ve gotten to know people at the compound, but I considered a lot of the avengers to be work friends. The kind you get along with easily during the nine to five but you never see them outside the office.

This situation was dangerously leaning Loki and I out of a work friend dynamic.

As if he read my thoughts, he broke the silence, ‘thank you for letting me get to know you a little tonight, dear.’ I felt him graze a kiss on my temple.

I held my breath so it wouldn’t hitch.

Suddenly he was too close.

I pulled away and tried to seem nonchalant by busying myself, so I found my cup and filled it. ‘Don’t get used to it. I told you, the liquors doing most of the talking’.

I heard what was either an exasperated sigh or a very strange chuckle from Loki. Before I could decide he said ‘why do you do that?’

I turned back around to him, ‘do what?’

He stepped closer so I stepped back, I couldn’t go far because I ran into the table behind me gently.

‘Every time I try to get to know you, you pull away before I can get too close. What are you scared of?’

I gave a short dry laugh, ‘I’m not scared. I’m just not interested in making friends.’

‘You can’t lie to a trickster god.’ The ghost of a smirk was on his face. I didn’t like how he kept stepping closer. ‘You forget that I can read right through you. You’re afraid of getting hurt when people get too close. That’s why you keep this façade up when others are around. You wear a mask. You can’t show anyone what’s underneath it because you think you’d be too vulnerable without it’ he was directly in front of me now. I kept my eye contact.

‘I’m not afraid of getting hurt. I told you. No one hurts me. I just don’t like disappointment.’

Our noses were only a few inches away from each other. I wondered to a second what would happen if Either of us broke the distance. ‘I can assure you dear, I never disappoint’ he smirked. I rolled my eyes. There it was. The ghost of our dynamic pre-Iowa purgatory.

Chapter Text

*Flashback*

‘I thought midgardians valued their sleep.’ The voice startled me, I spun on my heels and almost spilled the water from my glass in the process.

‘Jesus, don’t sneak up on people at three in the morning,’ I groaned when I saw it was just Loki, ‘what are you doing up?’

‘I could ask you the same question’ he smirked. With his hands in his pockets he leaned against the wall near the hallway on the other side of the kitchen. He was wearing sweatpants and a tee shirt. I’d never seen him wearing something so casual before, I couldn’t decide if it looked out of place on him or not.

I just shrugged, ‘I don’t sleep well.'

‘Neither do I’ he said back. He was staring. Not just at my eyes. His eyes grew quizzical, ‘what are you wearing?’

I looked down to make sure I remembered to put on pants, ‘oh, it’s just a robe’ I said.

‘It’s rather thin.’ It was an odd statement, I raised an eyebrow and shrugged again.

‘I didn’t feel like putting pants on.' His staring always put me on edge.

‘Aren’t you cold at night? I’ve noticed the compound isn’t the warmest place I’ve slept.’

‘I like the cold.’ I turned around and put my glass in the sink.

‘Well in that case you should sleep in my bed instead, Jotun's are known for being rather cold blooded’ his smirk still hadn't dropped.

I rolled my eyes and moved to walk past him, ‘maybe when Hell goes cold; or when I’m dead. Whichever comes first.’ I walked down the hall and even though I couldn’t see it, I could feel his eyes watching me walk away.

*Present time*

I sat up and everything was a blur. I couldn’t breathe. My hands gripped the cheap sheets under me and I gasped for air, willing my heart to steady. It was nearly pitch black.

I finally realized that someone was talking to me, with their hand cupping my face.

‘You’re alright, you had a nightmare. Hey, look at me.’

I found Loki’s face in the dark. My heart beat settled, I swallowed. I could breathe.

Just a nightmare.

I felt ridiculous very quickly. Embarrassed, I pulled my legs towards myself. ‘Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I'm fine.’ I pulled my face away from his hand and fixed my hair.

‘You sure? You were screaming. The front desk might think someone is being tortured in here.’ It sounded like a joke but he wasn’t smiling, so I did.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. Seriously. I get them all the time.’ I reassured him, ‘I told you, I don’t sleep well.’

He placed a hand on my leg over the sheets, ‘in that case, I may have to take back my long standing offer of you joining me in my bed. Between the nightmares and the sleep talking, you can be pretty insufferable.’ He smirked.

I smiled back to solidify the illusion that I was fine. Truthfully, my dreams had been finding new creative ways to scare the shit out of me in my sleep for the better half of a decade. I got used to it though, and found that the hours between waking up from them and falling back asleep were some of the most peaceful times of my life. When the whole world was fast asleep except for me, it was a comforting calm.

I layed back on the bed in a huff, ‘go back to sleep, sorry again. For waking you. Usually no one’s around for me to bother.’ I slowly pulled the blankets back up to my chest and curled my body inwards.

I felt his hand gently push some of my hair away from my face as he said ‘you could never bother me’ before pressing his lips fleetingly to my temple. Before I could register the moment, I was already falling back to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, the first thing I noticed was that my brain was throbbing against my skull, getting its revenge against me for all the alcohol I drowned it in the night before.
The second thing I noticed was that the room was aggressively bright. I squinted at the harsh sun beaming in through the open window. It was probably later in the morning and I had slept in.
The third thing I noticed was that Loki once again had wrapped his arm around my waist, and had buried his face in my hair.

Fuck.

My stomach lurched, either from the nerves of waking up with him like this, or from the drinking.

It might be from the drinking.

I had to get up to wash the alcohol off myself and find some Tylenol.

I winced, trying not to wake Loki as I pulled away from him.

Before I could move any more than an inch, I felt his body stiffen. I froze and held my breath. His body, still ridged, pulled me back in tighter to his chest. He made a sleepy sound as he let out a breath against my ear.

I kept holding my breath.

Fuck.

I’m gonna ignore that part of me that kind of likes the idea of being this close to someone, especially when they were unconscious. No strings. No talking. No emotional repercussions.

I really needed that Tylenol.

My phone went off.

That was my cue.

I jump out of bed, hoping the motion was too quick for Loki to register how he’d woken up, and picked up my phone.

I was getting a phone call, the words ‘Eat The Rich’ lit up my phone.

‘Morning, Tony.’

Tony being a 1%er and me being a leftist feminist killjoy was the base of our friendship.

‘Sabrina, have you killed each other yet?’ Stark took amusement in calling me various witch names. I never complained, people have called me worse.

‘I might have to kill someone if you can’t get us out of this Illinois hell today.’ I held the phone between my ear and shoulder to dig around in my bag for Tylenol.

‘Iowa,’ he corrected me, ‘well you can save that fun for another day, my pilot says skies are clear. Pack your bags and buy your souvenirs now. Tires up in two hours.’

Goodbye, Iowa. You will not be missed.

Chapter Text

‘Try not to miss me too much.’ I gave Loki a playful wink. We were finally on a plane leaving Iowa to be a distant memory.

‘If you’re worried about me missing you, we could always transition our sleeping arrangements to the compound’ he teased back.

I gave a short dry laugh, ‘in your dreams.’

‘Actually, in yours. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about the sleep talking’ he smirked.

I groaned, ‘you’re never gonna let that down are you?’

‘Oh not a chance. I love the blush on your face when I mention it. It must have been quite the dream for you to get so flustered about it.’

‘I told you I don’t even remember it, probably because it involved something nightmarish. So horrible my own brain wanted to forget it.’

‘And I told you, you definitely didn’t sound like you were frightened.’ His smirk never left his face as I rolled my eyes.

‘I can’t wait until you forget about this.’ I huffed out.

He leaned into my ear, tucking my hair back slightly, ‘dear, you moaning my name like that is something that I never want to forget the sound of.’ A bright blush the shade of ‘kill me now’ heated my cheeks.
‘Well you better hold onto that memory tightly, because that will be the only time that happens.’

He laughed as he pulled away from me, ‘there’s the blush I was looking for.’ He said before he turned back to his book.
Kill. Me. Now.

***

The joy I felt when I flopped onto my own bed back at the compound was indescribable. I let out a breath that I had been holding in since the moment I walked through the motel front door.
I know quite a few people will want to chat me up with small talk. I dreaded that. I might have to self isolate in my room just to get a few nights of peace for myself.
As introverted as a person I was, it did feel a little strange to go back to being alone after sharing a shoebox with someone for the past two days.

I was actually starting to like Loki. He still got under my skin, but being around him was starting to feel less like a chore. I know if I admitted that to him he would be insufferable.

A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts, ‘yeah?’ I answered.

The door opens and Loki stood there, leaning against the entrance with his hands in his pockets.

I lifted myself up onto my elbows, ‘miss me already?’ I quipped with a smirk.

‘Hm, I don’t miss that attitude. I seem to have exhausted the entirety of the compounds readable material. I was seeing if you could point me in the direction of that bookstore you said was a few blocks from here? I doubt you’d have anything worth my time in your personal collection.’ He said this as he lazily browsed my book cases, pausing to occasionally pull a book by the spine to inspect and then put back.

‘One, people find my attitude quite charming. Two, we’ve been back for all of ten minutes and you’re already pulling me out of my bed? I was really looking forward to the nap I was going to take.’ I huffed and pulled my elbows out from underneath myself to fall back onto my back.

‘I never said you had to come with me. I’m very capable of doing things by my self.’ I couldn’t help but notice that he looked a little disappointed.

‘Okay,’ I huffed, ‘let’s get going before it gets dark. Grab you jacket it’s a bit cold out there.’ I dragged myself off the bed and throwing on a scarf and coat.

His eyes gave a small glimmer of emotion that made me think he was happy that I decided to step out with him, ‘fantastic.’

I loved this bookstore. It’s colour palette was a mixture of greens and browns, blending together in a smoky haze. Plants littered every spare inch of the shop that wasn’t covered in books. It was a maze that I could easily get lost in between the isle.

‘So, what are you into? Murder mystery, science fiction, classic lit, historical fiction?’ I asked Loki as I grabbed his hand and gently further into the store. He seemed cautious and quizzical, with his eyebrows stitched together. ‘You seem like the serious type. Jane Austin and stuff.’ I looked to him for any confirmation, but his face didn’t change. He just watched me.

So I continued to pull him along, one hand in his and another grazing the book spines as we walked.

I pulled a book and handed it to him. He raised an eyebrow and started to inspect it. Before he could look too hard at it, I stacked another into his hands.

I started with classic things that I thought he’d like, then added some newer ones that went well with the rest to start branching him out to things that were written this century.

As I piled the sixth book into his arms when he asked, ‘what do you like?’

I hummed, thinking. ‘A lot of different things, I’ve been reading a lot of fiction thrillers lately.’

He gave a short laugh, ‘that somehow doesn’t surprise me.’

I browsed the thrillers and pulled out the one I was looking for, ‘here, this is the one I’m reading right now. Nineties, women travelling alone, surviving the night trying not to be murdered by a serial killer.’ I added it to the stack.

He furrowed his brow, ‘I don’t understand how you could possibly get anything out of that.’
I laughed, ‘you’re not reading it to expand your mind, you read it for the thrill. That’s why they call it thriller.’ I gave a teasing eye roll.

He looked at me. He was smiling. It wasn’t a mischievous smile, it was plain. I didn’t see that very often from him. I liked it.

I liked that I made him smile like that.

Chapter Text

I had finally just settled down with a fresh cup of coffee in a nook of the compound that no one else knew about. Well, I’m sure someone knew about it, but no one ever bothered coming here.
I’d had a table and chair set up near the window, I stole the pair from the library when I first came here a little over a year ago. The view from my seat was nothing to marvel at, but it was starting to feel like home.

I flipped open to a fresh page in my notebook and clicked my pen, taking a breath and-

‘Hello dear.’

I jumped in my seat and turned angrily to Loki, who was quite proud of the way he had scared me.

‘Jesus Loki, what did I tell you about sneaking up on people’ I rolled my eyes and let out a huff.

‘God of Mischief, love. I’ve come to talk to you about this-‘ he held up the thriller book I made him buy, ‘absolutely terrible. I hated every second of it.’

I scrunched my face up and couldn’t help but laugh a little, ‘why?’

He looked back at the book he was holding, ‘it had me terribly anxious for the young women the entire time.’

‘Ha, yeah that’s kind of the point. That’s why it’s a thriller. It thrills.’ I was smiling.

‘It was horrible, I just kept waiting for him to murder her and he never got the chance. I’m requesting another from the same genre.’

‘You just said you hated it!’

He scoffed playfully with a smile, ‘it’s an addiction! I hated every second of it but I couldn’t put it down. Do you have more recommendations?’

I laughed, ‘alright, come on then.’ I stood up and took his hand, guiding us back to my room in the compound.

When I opened the door Loki closed it behind us. I hummed as I skimmed the spines of my books with my fingers. I pulled one down to inspect it further.

I felt my breath hitch as Loki came up close behind me to look at the book over my shoulder. I felt him shift his gaze to me as I put the book back after deciding against it.

I could feel his breath on the back of my neck and it made me nervous. I pulled another book and passed it to him behind me, ‘try this.’

He hummed in response and wrapped one hand around me so that he could use both hands to open the book. He rested his chin on my shoulder as he skimmed the pages. I couldn’t help but lean into him slightly. I also couldn't help but notice that he smelled like the idea of flannel in the autumn woods after sun down.

‘Small town serial killer with a touch of psychological horror’ I said as he made a sound in my ear in approval.

‘Only you could make things like ‘serial killer’ and ‘psychological horror’ sound so enticing, love.' He breathed out and took another second to flip through the book. 'Ill take it. Thank you.’ He pulled his arms away from me abruptly and placed a fleeting kiss on my temple before turning away.

I held my breath. It was done with such little thought, I couldn’t figure out if he had actually meant to do it or if it happened as if it should be habit.

I felt my cheeks brighten and I hoped he wouldn’t notice. ‘Yeah, any time. It better come back to me in one piece.’

He kept his eyes down on the book and stopped just before he was to the door. He gave a quizzical look, ‘what are these markings in here?’

‘Oh, just old habit. If there’s some words that catch my eye or a passage I really love I mark it. Sorry if that’s annoying.’ I said, I sounded a bit nervous.

He looked back up at me, keeping his brow furrowed for a minute. He smiled. There it was again. That something that I just couldn’t pin down. ‘I don’t think it’s annoying. Maybe I’m coming down with something, I don’t seem to find you nearly as annoying as I used to.’

‘Hmm, must be the dreary weather,’ I bit back a smile and teased, ‘it couldn’t possibly be that I’m growing on you.’

He laughed, ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

Chapter Text

When I woke up that night, it was in the fashion of a familiar panic. Immediately sitting up to follow the breath that escaped me in a loud gasp, my eyes widely taking in my surroundings.

The predatorial fear of imminent danger settled in my brain and I slowed my breathing. I flopped back onto my back in a huff. Just a nightmare.

I always felt silly after having nightmares. Like I should be embarrassed of my imaginary fears. I turned my head to the clock on the night stand. 3:02 am. Witching hour just begun.

I breathed deeply, knowing I wont be able to fall back asleep for a while. Nonetheless I closed my eyes and willed myself to relax under the crushing atmosphere of a moonlit post-nightmare environment.

I was startled again by the sound of a knock on my door followed quickly by someone swinging it open.

I knew only one person who bothered me at abnormal times of day. Or night, for that matter.

'I think this was the worst book of them all. Absolutely horrendous. I just finished and- oh, you're actually up? I thought I would have woken you.' Loki rambled as he stepped into my room, book in hand.

'We don't sleep well. You. I. I thought that was known.' I said as I gathered my blankets to rest on the lower half of my body.

'Right, well. I've come to bother you for another.' Loki said as he put the book back in its respective place.

'I don't have anymore, that's it. Pick a new genre.'

Loki looked at me with his brow furrowed. He was thoroughly disappointed. 'That's it? Ugh. Well fine. Pick something else for me.'

'Just pull one off the shelf yourself' I huffed, fixing my bed head.

He looked at me again, 'Why cant you pick one?' He was again, disappointed. I didn't think he actually valued my opinions that much.

'Because I'm not wearing pants. Pick your own book.'

I could swear I saw a hint of blush on his face as his eyes lingered down from mine to my body, 'Love, that is a very poor excuse. Surely you know I would have absolutely no problem with you not wearing pants.' He smirked. I rolled my eyes away from him.

'You're annoying. Here, take this one-' I waved my hand to fly a book from my nightstand to his hands, he caught it graciously, 'I just finished it. Its not a thriller but thoroughly enjoyable and I think you might appreciate it as well.'

He hummed in approval as he tumbled it between his hands, examining it.

After a minute, he said, 'It'll do. Are you going to be up for a while? I could make us some coffee? Well, you a coffee. Tea for myself.'
I looked back at the clock, oh what the hell. There's no way I was going to fall back asleep. 'Sure, step out so I can put pants on.'
He smirked again, 'Well there's no need to do that, love.'

I rolled my eyes.

***

The next few weeks were a blur of empty mugs, trips to the bookstore, and lounging with Loki as we shared a couch reading together in a secluded corner of compound's library. No one else ever bothered to go there, and if they did they never noticed us tucked away in the back corner.

The two of us were rather domesticated. I took up most of the couch, I never had a habit for sitting properly. I legs reached out and invaded Loki's personal space, crossing over his own. He didn't seem to mind, and would often rest his hand on the lower half of my thigh, tracing his fingers across it absentmindedly.

I wondered if he was enjoying my company as much as I was his. If he did, I'm sure he would never show it. Neither of us were big on admitting any sort of feelings other than general annoyance or disinterest. We appreciated that in each other.

I thought about Iowa, and how Loki asked if he could get to know me. Back then it seemed impossible, but it was happening in small doses. He knew how I liked my coffee, how I hated wearing my hair up, what colours I liked and what patterns I didn't, he knew I liked to bake when I was stressed but only in the dead of night when no one would bother me.

These were superficial things, but they were things that no one else knew. I never thought how nice it would feel to have someone know me like that.

I've come to find that I know him too. I knew he brushed his hands through his hair when I said something he liked, I knew he hated trivial tasks but loved leisurely ones, he only liked the sun when it was coming or going, and he dog-eared the pages in books to hold his place rather than using a bookmark.

What I didn't know was why he watched me so closely. His eyes often grazed me when he thought I wasn't looking. Maybe he just found me interesting to look at, but it was always when I was doing the most mundane things. Writing, fixing my hair, focusing on something I was reading, tracing an area of interest in a book. There was a level of warmth in his gaze, as if he was keen to do more than watch me.

Maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me.

Chapter Text

*Loki's Perspective*

'Jesus, Tony its freezing in here! Did you piss off the maintenance team again?' I lifted my head to see her, the owner of the exasperated voice, stomp into the common area. She was bundled in a rather adorable fashion, at least three layers on top and two on the bottom that were visible.

'I'm working on it, Samantha!' Tony called back at her (I didn't recognize the witch character he was referencing), pivoting and point to the phone held up to his ears before walking out the door, turning his attention back to whoever was on the other side of the line. I looked back to her as Tony left us alone in the common area. Her jaw was clenched as she held back shivers. Her nose and cheeks were bright red.

I gave a small laugh at the sight of her, 'I thought you liked the cold?'

She huffed, 'Not this cold! How are you not freezing? You're in a tee shirt.' She furrowed her eyebrows.

Adorable.

I smiled. Not my mediated smile, my real smile. It was reserved for her eyes only. 'Cold blooded, remember? Here,' I conjured a sweater from my room and handed it to her, 'Its enchanted, it will keep you warm.' She looked at me like I just gave her the best news of her life. I thought for a moment about how I don't think she was used to people giving things to her.

She stripped off the first two layers of sweaters she was wearing to reveal the long sleeved shirt she was wearing underneath. As she stretched to lift my sweater over her head, her shirt lifted and I could see a few inches of skin. I averted my eyes for a minute, mostly out of curtesy for her but also out of repentance for the blush that formed on my cheeks. My sweater was quite a bit larger on her and it hung of her body in a captivating manner. She sighed and pulled her arms around herself, leaning into the warmth with her eyes closed and a faint smile.

I smiled too, even though she couldn't see it.

'You can keep it if you like, for the next time Tony disappoints you.'

She opened her eyes and laughed a little. 'Thanks Loki,' She stepped towards me and pulled my face down for a fleeting kiss on my cheek. My breath hitched but before I could properly process entirely how the gesture made me feel she was already walking past me saying, 'Do you want to watch a movie? I feel like on particularly cold days you're supposed to watch a movie.' With my back still towards her, I absentmindedly brought my hand to my cheek where her lips were a few seconds ago. Keep it together you idiot. 

I turned towards her and started to follow, 'Sure, I'm bored anyway.'

***

Bundled under no less than three blankets, she picked up the remote as I made tea for myself, and coffee for her. Two cream, two sugars, and only dark roast because 'Coffee was meant to taste like coffee, but there's no harm in actually enjoying it'. 

I joined her on the couch and after handing her her mug, she threw the 3-plus blankets onto me so that we were sharing them. 'I know you're cold blooded, but you'll catch a cold if you keep walking around like that' she said, referring to my tee shirt.

'Gods don't get colds. Have you picked anything yet?'

She hummed in response and then said, 'Yes, and its one of my favourite's so you're not allowed to make fun of it.'

I smirked, 'Me? Make fun? Absolutely not.'

I lived for the little laugh that she gave. Her laughs were never loud or intrusive; they weren't meant to take up space. 

The screen flashed a title, Dead Poet's Society. 

She was a peaceful person to watch a movie with. She didn't interrupt with small talk, just gave the occasional hum. This, I've learned, is her way of telling me that either something important is happening or something she loved was happening. Throughout this movie, it was mostly in context to things she loved. 

It was a beautiful film that seemed to romanticize it's bare ideologies of life through poems and literature. 

It also seemed to be rather heartbreaking. These humans were forced into very mundane lives, and when they challenged it they were punished. It seemed to me that they were trying to say that, although living life to their fullest capacity was ideal to them, it was not always possible.

I studied her face quite a bit when I thought she wouldn't notice. I didn't care much about the film, I cared about why she cared about the film. I wanted to see on her face all the emotions that the movie gave her to make that pleasant hum. 

However, she did notice me watching her. Without looking at me her put her hand on my leg, 'pay attention' she said with annoyed sincerity. 

She never moved her hand away.

I was happy she didn't.

I almost felt guilty. We were friends. Good friends. Good friends don't think things like this about each other. 

The ending was abrupt. The entire film was sanguine, the ending was stark and cold in contrast. 

I turned back to her and furrowed my brow, 'are you... crying?' I said it in near disbelief.

She looked at me, obviously embarrassed, 'No,' she said sternly. 'Absolutely not.' She wiped a stray tear on the sleeve her sweater, my sweater, and gave a small sniffle.

I laughed a little and she gave me a sour look, 'oh, no dear, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at your stubbornness.' I smirked.

She moved her hand from my leg, damn, to give me a playful shove, 'you're infuriating' she huffed. 

I laughed again, taking her hand and placing a gentle kiss on it.

When I did things like this, I never know I'm doing them in the moment. It feels like habit, like these are the things I'm supposed to do, and should have been doing for the past few thousand years.

Just friends.

I convince her that we need to put on a happier movie; mostly so that her tears don't linger, but also because I wanted to spend more time here with her.

At some point she curls up on the couch under our blankets, putting her legs over my lap and resting them on the couch. It takes everything in me to not let her see how pleased I am with how comfortable she was to be near me. We were far from Iowa. 

I felt her head gently hit my shoulder. My breath hitched. After a minute, I realized she was snoring lightly. 

I shifted, so my arm was around her instead of pinned under her dead weight, and let my body relax.

Just friends. 

I turned my head towards her, her hair smelt like lavender.

Just friends.

I breathed her out again, turning away to let her sleep. 

Chapter Text

The common area was more lively than usual. When I stepped in, I almost turned back around to my room. I didn’t care much for crowded spaces. When I first came here nearly two years ago, I kept my distance from the rest. Everyone understood, I wasn't the first to arrive with physical and metaphorical baggage. No one batted an eye when I didn't join them for dinner or training. It was hard to believe that I've grown so comfortable here. It was terrifying. I had never settled down anywhere after I left my home. Like I said, I don't like disappointments. 

I was much less introverted now, but I still had a small part of me that shrinks at the thought of socializing.

But I really needed a coffee.

I took comfort in the fact that Barton was also enduring the chaos to get something to eat from the pantry. I looked at him as I walked by the the coffee maker; oh. No hearing aids. That’s how he could tolerate it.

Loki and Thor were talking loudly, they usually did. Something about Asgardians, they took up much more space than regular humans.

I turned on the coffee maker and waited, leaning my elbows on the island. I saw a gentle wave in my peripheral; Barton.

I turned my attention to him, what is he saying? I can’t read his lips, he signed and gestured at Loki.

ASL was always something that I kept in my back pocket, but Clint had let me practice with him when he was around the compound after he saw how horrendous I was at it.

I signed back, Because they’re speaking Asgardian, something insufferable no doubt, I rolled my eyes then looked back to Clint to give him a small smile.

He smiled back, when is he not insufferable?

I gave a laugh, yes yes.

Our small laughs without context drew attention from the others in the room. Thor looked towards me, his face bright as always, ‘why are you laughing? Did I miss a joke? What are you doing with your hands?’

Clint saw my eyes look past him and he moved so he could see the rest of the room; I signed and spoke, ‘sign language, Barton doesn’t have his hearing aids in.’

Loki gave me a mischievous grin, ‘ah, so he can’t hear me say red isn’t his colour?’ He gestured to Clint’s shirt.

Clint gave me a look, insufferable.

I laughed, ‘no, but he can read your lips.’

Loki shook the embarrassment off of himself to regain his defaulted devious persona, ‘well, at least he can’t say anything in retaliation then.’

Clint turned to me and signed, making me laugh again. Clint could, in fact, say something. Being hard of hearing didn’t inhibit his ability to talk. He never let anyone know that though, he liked the social deterrent it created.

Loki made another face. He can be such a child when he isn’t the one winning.

‘I knew a bit of ASL before I met Clint, but he’s been helping me learn more’ I looked to Clint when he waved my attention and started to sign as I translated for the rest, ‘she was really shitty at it before she met me, she had to spell out a lot of words alphabetically, pitiful- hey! Don’t be rude’ I furrowed my brow and him and he gave a teasing smile.

I couldn’t help but envy the fact that he could very easily tune out the world whenever he liked. I enjoyed solitude, the best I could do was tuck myself away in my room and latch the door. That type of silence and distance wasn’t nearly enough for me some times. 

Clint eventually went back to his room, and I spent some time showing Thor a bit of ASL. ‘- and, see, your name spelled out would be T-H-O-R,’ I illustrated by signing the letters, ‘it can be a mouthful sometimes, so a lot of deaf people use initials or a descriptive word. Only someone who’s deaf can give you one though.’

‘Has Barton given me one? I would like to see how often he signs my name when he thinks I can’t understand him’ Loki pepped up from behind the book he was reading. 

I gave a light short laugh before signing, insufferable.

***

'I never knew you spent time with Barton' it wasn't a question, but he let the silence hang as he waited for my answer.

It was a cold day, the wind cut against my cheeks and the leaves gave in satisfyingly under my boots.

I shrugged, 'not often, he's with his family a lot more lately. We don't talk much, we just get along.' Loki gave a low hum; he was watching his feet walk slowly underneath himself. With his eyebrows furrowed and hands in his pockets he looked rather dissatisfied with my answer. My mouth turned slowly upward and I narrowed my eyes at him, 'are you... jealous?' 

He immediately looked down at me, one eyebrow raised, 'don't be ridiculous, I am not that fragile' he scoffed. 

I gave a little laugh, 'oh you totally are,' I shoved him with my shoulder playfully, 'what, you think I don't have any other friends?'

'No of course not, I just have never seen the two of you together before. It was just a question, stop being juvenile' he said in a huff. 

I laughed again, 'don't get so worked up, I'm just teasing you. Clint's like my dad. Well, not like my real dad, obviously. What, are you scared your replaceable?'

This time he let out a little smile, 'replaceable as what?' He tilted his head down at me.

I shrugged, 'I don't know, as my friend?'

He laughed, 'you're allowed to have more than one friend, love.'

I smiled back and looked down at my feet, it was starting to get dark out. I pulled my jacket closer to me, 'Well yeah I know that. I'm not good at it you know, having friends.'

'Oh, I am painfully aware.' I bumped my shoulder into his arm for his sarcastic comment. 

Our laughs faded and I let the silence hang in the cool evening air for a few moments. The only sounds were the wind and the leaves crunching under our path. 

I finally said, in a slow and quiet manner, 'I'm scared I'm going to get too comfortable.'

Loki stopped walking. I stopped just after and turned to him. I felt vulnerable and small. Two things that I absolutely hated feeling. It went against every instinct of mine to not backtrack what I had said and change the subject. 

He looked down at me with kind eyes, 'what do you mean by that?'

I took another minute before saying slowly, 'I have this feeling that one day, I'm going to get used to having a life here and it's going to get ripped away from me. I'm scared to face that type of disappointment again.' 

Loki bridged the gap between us, and slowly raised both his hands to my face. He looked in my eyes with sincerity, and gently leaned down to graze my forehead with his lips for a small kiss. 'I can promise you, that no matter what happens, you're going to be stuck with me. I'd never leave you like that' he said, his lips still against my forehead. 

I closed my eyes and breathed out as Loki kept his hands resting on my cheek bones, 'are trickster gods known for keeping promises?' I finally asked, curling my lips into a slight teasing smile.

He gave a small one syllable laugh, 'you're just going to have to trust me on this one, love.'

Chapter Text

When I wasn't with Loki, I was thinking of Loki. 

Thinking about what he was doing, thinking about if he would like the book I was reading, thinking about what his life on Asgard was like, thinking about what cologne he used, thinking about whether or not he was thinking of me. God, I was cringing at myself. I was starting to sound like a teenager. But he was an infection, poisoning my brain and my life until he was all consuming. 

And I didn't even mind. 

It was infuriating. Every second we spend together, every time he grazed by me, leaned against me, looked at me with that softness in his eyes, I craved more. More than a lingering touch, more than just a kiss on the cheek, more of him looking at me like I was the only thing in the world that he liked to look at. Just thinking of it made my stomach turn inside itself. 

It was terrifying. I had never felt this before, this pull to another person. I had a hard enough time getting closer to people, I had no idea how to deal with what I was feeling for Loki now. Should I even act on it? Maybe I'm just so damaged that when a person shows me an ounce of warmth and security that I just fall into them. Maybe it would pass. Maybe it would ruin everything that we already have. Maybe he didn't feel the same. Maybe.

There it is again, the disappointment. I am my own worst enemy. 

I closed my eyes and let out a slow, even breath. I'm done thinking today.

I looked at my clock; 3:42 am. I knew I wouldn't fall back asleep anytime soon. 

I grabbed my sweater, his sweater, and went to go wander the compound. 

I wasn't sure where I needed to be, so I followed my feet until they took me to the library.

I had read just about everything of interest on the shelves, but I browsed them anyway. Letting my hands graze the spines aimlessly as I walked the shelves. Just being here made my thoughts settle. 

I wandered for a few minutes longer until I was interrupted by the instinctual feeling of not being alone. 

I kept my back to him, knowing he was the only other person who would be out of bed. I gave a small smile that he wouldn't see, 'we don't sleep well. Anything keeping you up tonight?'

I turned to him and saw that he was smiling back at me, 'I had this feeling that what I was craving would not be found in my chambers tonight. Find anything interesting?' He nodded at the bookcase behind me.

I wanted to ask him if he thought I was what he was craving or if he meant the library itself. I just shrugged, 'Tony needs to update his collections.' 

He looked at me for a moment before stepping into the library towards me saying, 'something is keeping you up. You've been thinking.' Never a question, but always waiting for an answer.

I turned back to the bookcase, I was very unsettled by the way he seemed to read my mind. It always made me feel vulnerable. 'I was thinking that I need a reason to stop thinking.' I pulled a random book down to busy myself.

'Ah, that-' he took the book from my hands, 'will definitely put you to sleep.' He turned a corner of his mouth up slightly and put the book back into its respective place on the shelf, taking a minute to find and pull down another. 'This one is much more suited for your intent,' he handed it to me, and I couldn't help but notice how very little distance there was between us. 

I looked up at him and for a moment I wondered what would happen if I closed the gap. If I let myself fall into something that terrified me beyond reason. If I looked past the fear of future misery to entertain the idea that things might fall into place if I was bold enough to allow it. 

I had been looking at him too long, exposed, and I had to say/do/be something.

I took in a small breath, 'Loki...'

An alarm on my phone rang out aggressively as FRIDAY's voice commanded across the compound, 'Attention, all notified personnel report to the third floor hangar. Attention, all notified personnel report to the third floor hangar.'

'Fuck, I've gotta go,' I set the book Loki handed to me and pulled away from him. My head was spinning. 

He grabbed my arm and looked me in my eyes with sincerity, 'be careful, I need you back here in one piece.'

I nodded and gave him a small smile as I ran out of the library and towards the hangar, using my magic to conjure my suit and weapons towards me from my room. They flew into my hands as I caught up to Nat, Bucky, Clint, and Steve. 

Chapter Text

*Flashback*

‘Trying to read my mind, dear?’ He said with a smirk, sitting on the opposite side of the long table from me.

I didn’t even realize I was staring. I had a certain talent for reading people. Not minds, I wasn’t that talented. Everything I needed to know was in their body language, the way they spoke, what they said. I had it down to a science.

Loki was one of the few people that I just could not pin down. Of course, I knew the basics about him. Second child syndrome. Egotistical. All bark no bite. And definitely not as scary as he pretends to be.

But there was still something I could not figure out. I’d been trying to since I met him. There was just something he didn’t want me to see. Something he didn’t want anyone to see.

I realized how rude I must have looked with my brow furrowed as I was trying to find something but I didn’t even know what I was looking for.

I looked back up to his eyes, ‘sorry, I zoned out.’ I looked back down at my notebook with pen in hand. ‘Besides, you know I can’t read minds.’

‘Hm. Some witch you are then.’ He said as he went back to his book.

I rolled my eyes, ‘you know that’s not how my powers work. I just bend the air around objects to move them. I’m only a witch during the full moon,’ I joked, ‘it’s the best time for ritualistic blood sacrifices.’

He gave a short laugh, ‘you’re a funny one, I should talk to you more often.’

‘Please don’t.’ I mumbled in annoyance.

‘You know, most people pine for an ounce of acknowledgement from me.’ He was still smiling.

‘I’m not most people.’ I pulled my hood up and continued to write in my notebook.

He had completely ditched the idea of trying to read and instead turned all of his attention toward me, 'show me how your powers work.'

I looked back up at him, his eyes showed fascination and mischief. I sighed, closing my notebook. With a bored hand I twisted my wrist to fly his book off the table and into a nearby wall.

He raised his eyebrows and his mouth stitched into a grin, 'fascinating, what else can you do?'

'Other variations of air manipulation,' I held up my hand facing it out towards him, 'try to hit me.'

He liked the challenge and attempted to hit his fist against my open palm, but an invisible force-shield blocked him. 

He laughed, obviously very entertained. I look back on this moment as the pivotal point of are relationship that sparked Loki's undying need to get closer to me, infuriating me regularly in the process. 

*Present Time*

Changing in front of your team mates is a lot easier than I thought it would be. Usually, there was a debriefing, five hundred piles of paperwork, and at least a little heads up before going out into the field. But some times you just can't organize devastating events to fit into everyone's calendars.

'Cap, give me the run down' I said as I threw off my sweat pants to replace them with my suit. God this would be so much easier if Tony would have finished that nano-tech suit for me like he promised. It helped knowing that everyone else around me was getting changed in the same rushed fashion. 

'We got an alert from a nearby security tech company that Hydra agents have taken hostages after infiltrating the building to access their data. This company works for some of the worlds richest and powerful, if they get their hands on their information-'

'We'd be screwed, don't fuck it up. Got it.' I buckled the last clasp on my suit as I climbed into the helicopter. 

When we landed on the roof of the building, it was quiet. Way too quiet. We all stood there for a minute, taking everything in.

'Okay, you,' Steve pointed  to me, 'are our man behind the curtain. Disable the agents and evacuate hostages as Nat, Buck, and I distract and deescalate. Hawkeye, your eyes and ears, keep us covered. They're on the seventeenth floor with the hostages.'

'Piece of cake. I always feel like we should have a handshake or something after Cap's speeches. Or like a cheer. You know, like football players before they go back onto the field' I said dryly. Only Bucky laughed. Tough crowd. 

We sweeped the floors above the seventeenth, working our way down. It didn't take long for us to find what we were looking for, and we took our positions. They were in a conference room with all glass walls, it would be easy for me to work from far away. 

I watched Nat, Buck, and Steve start to do what they called, deescalating. It looked like a lot of yelling and pointing with guns to me though. I focused my brain and waited for the signal to alert me of when to strip them of their weapons.

I was having a hard time concentrating though. There was something that was bugging me. Something that was alerting my brain but, what was that sound?

It was so low that I could barely hear it. It was competing with my heartbeat thumping in my ears. A steady pace,

a tick.

tick.

tick.

Oh Fuck. 

I franticly scanned the room, it couldn't be far away. I had to do something quickly. I had to find it, if I did then maybe I could-

Clint distracted me and my head was starting to spin, 'alright man behind the curtain, go ahead and do your thing.' Oh fuck. I turned my attention back to the conference room; okay, one thing at a time. I focused my eyes and breathing quickly to take in the scene unfolding in front of me. I maneuvered my hands forcefully, resulting in the HYDRA agents' weapons ripping away from their grips and flying through one of the glass walls out of sight and reach.

Okay, step one done. 

Step two. 'Guys I know my timing isn't great but I've, uh, got a situation. Fuck, how do I say this. I think I hear a bomb' I panicked into my headset, quickly scanning my surroundings again. 

The comms unit broke out into chaos, 'You what?' 

'Are you sure?'

'Okay priorities shifting to evacuation. Clint I need you to-'

The light caught my senses before the sound did. In the corner of my eye, a bright beam was reaching across the room. 

These are the moments that test you when you are the deciding factor in whether someone will live or die. Your biggest asset is your reflexes, and they are tested countless times in fabricated environments before you are put into a real life scenario.

These real life scenario's break people. They break the person willing to risk everything to save others. In the worst situations, they break the people who were too vulnerable to protect themselves. 

This was my real life scenario; the biggest test of my reflexes that I have ever faced. 

I told myself that if I could survive being put ten feet away from a bomb and walk away with no causalities, I'd tell him.

And I'd ask Tony for a raise. 

Everything was in slow motion.

I pivoted on my heels towards the growing light and braced my arms out in front of me, trying to gain traction on the floor as the force of the explosion pushed me backward. I slid a few feet before falling to one knee. The fire was hot against my skin, reaching out towards me. I willed my powers to create distance between me and the flames.

I felt the back of my heel hit something, and I abruptly stopped sliding. I held my footing and leaned in forward. I felt my muscles shredding underneath my skin as I poured all of my strength into my force-field. 

The flames gave in slightly, and we were two magnets locked in place, repelling each other.

I was slowly tuning back into my other senses, and I managed to shout into my comms, 'get everyone out before I lose control on this thing!'

The explosion pushed forward as I said it, gaining inches on me. My body was being torn apart. I have never used this much force with my magic before, and I had no idea how long I could hold it until my body would collapse from the exhaustion. 

I pressed my boots further into the tile beneath me, trying my best to steady myself as the flames kept creeping forward. I just need to hold it until everyone is out. Then I can give in.

Then, I can go home.

Then, I can tell him.

The heat filled my face, and at the same time that I felt my back foot slip, I heard a crackle on on my comms, 'Clear, get-'

and then I was falling. 

Chapter Text

The world around me was fading in and out so quickly before I could fully register what was happening.

The first time I woke up, all I could sense was pain. It was ripping through my whole body; it was unbearable. I would have screamed in anguish if I could find the breath to do so.

‘We need to take her to the med bay,’ a disembodied voice shouted.

I fucking hate the med bay.

‘Fuck the med bay, she needs a hospital!’

I hate hospitals more.

‘Guys we gotta move her somewhere, all that bruising is internal damages.’

Just let me die here, I can’t move.

‘A Midgardian hospital? She’ll die before she even gets there!’

I think that was Thor. When did Thor get here?

‘Well, Pointbreak if you’ve got a better idea share with the group.’

Tony. When did everyone get here? Oh god, I think I’m going to throw up.

‘Actually, I do. Brother?’

Please pass out, please pass out. I can’t take the pain anymore.

A burst of light painted my eyelids.

***

The second time I woke up, pain wasn’t the first thing I noticed. It was the light of an early morning sunrise.

I groaned and twisted my face away from the beams. I was laying in a bed. When I turned my body, I noticed how sore I was, and I gave a small gasp.

‘Careful love, the healers put a lot of work into fixing your injuries.’

I fluttered my eyes back open to find that Loki was sitting up against the footboard opposite me on the bed. He was looking down at a book, but I could tell his eyes weren’t focused on comprehending the words in front of him.

I took a breath and looked past him into the room, taking in the gold and leather accents that littered the area. I didn’t recognize it. I started to sit up and my body protested, but I fought against it. ‘Where am I?’ I stitched my brows together.

‘Asgard- don’t be stubborn, lay back down’ he stood up to push my shoulder back onto the bed. A grumble in protest was all I could manage.

‘Does Asgard have morphine? I feel like someone dropped a building on me’ I rubbed my eyes in annoyance.

He gave a small laugh, ‘close; you fell out of the building before it could collapse in on you. Barton broke your fall though.’ He moved my hair away from my face.

The memories were flooding back to me. The mission. The team. The civilians. The bomb. I felt panic fill my face, ‘is everyone okay? Did I hurt anyone?’

He rested his hand on my cheek and smiled kindly, ‘no, you didn’t hurt anyone. If you weren’t there the explosion would have been catastrophic.’

I closed my eyes and let out a slow, even breath. Everyone was okay. I was okay. I faced my real life scenario and came out of it with the best possible results. Well, my body could disagree. I had no idea how much strain my powers put on my body; I remembered the feeling of my muscles ripping from the pressure and I winced.

Loki’s voice called me back to reality, ‘you told me you would come back in one piece.’

His hand stayed resting on my cheek as his fingers curled into my hair. I smirked, ‘I still have all my limbs intact, don’t I?’

His face filled with concern, resisting my attempt at lightening the mood. He talked slowly and I could hear a hint of pain in his voice, ‘You don’t know what it was like, seeing you laying there. You were so obviously dying, if we hadn’t of brought you here as quickly as we did...’

‘Hey,’ I grabbed his wrist near my face, ‘I’m fine, you can’t get rid of me that easily. I keep telling you, I’m not that fragile.’

This time he returned my smile before dropping his hand.

He migrated to the sofa, ‘you need to rest, love. I’m holding you hostage until you’re strong enough to move again. I know you’re so stubborn that you’ll try to climb out of bed the second I leave you alone’. He settled into the sofa with his book, stretching his legs out.

I let out a groan and curled up under the blankets, closing my eyes, but I didn’t disagree with him.

Chapter Text

The third time I woke up, Loki was sleeping on the couch to my left. He was peaceful, with one hand pressing his book to his chest and the other hanging down grazing the floor with his fingertips. His neck was at an uncomfortable angle. My heart gave a tug at the idea of him subjecting himself to sleeping on a couch because he couldn't find it in himself to leave me alone. 

I was feeling considerably better; my headache had faded and I was left with only a general soreness throughout my body. I turned to the bedside table to see an array of clinical looking bottles and concluded it was the 'Asgardian morphine' I had requested. That explains my sudden lack of pain.

I managed to sit up and take a few steps to the window with a lot less struggle than a few hours before. I drew back a curtain cautiously to reveal the view from the castle.  My eyes widened as I took in the scene stretching out beneath me. It was absolutely stunning. The sea and the sky blended together in the horizon, creating a brilliant shade of blue. Mountains and trees stretched up to tangle together, and the village was filled with people that had a certain air around them you would never see on Earth. They moved slowly, with no stress to rush them. They were all perfectly happy and content in what they were doing. I felt a pang of jealously for that type of peace.

I felt his breath in my ear before I heard his low, soft voice, making my breath hitch. ‘I thought I told you to rest.’

The feeling of him standing so close behind me sparked the memory of all the feelings that had built up inside me over the past few months. I held my breath and willed away the thoughts tugging at my brain. Now is not exactly the best time to unpack all of that.

I turned my face a few inches toward him, feeling his nose gently graze my cheek, which sparked the butterflies in my chest. I spoke low and gently, ‘I did. And then I woke up. That’s usually how people rest.’

He let out a small breath in a quiet laugh, ‘your body isn’t ready to move, come,’ he put one hand on my shoulder and the other on my waist, pulling me away from the window. I steadied myself against him and let him walk me back to the bed with futile protests.

After I settled again, he asked if I was hungry. My stomach mulled uneasily, ‘no. I’m bored. Did I see a garden out there? I think some sun would be good for me. Or if there’s a library?’ I bargained with him, wearing a small smile of hope.

‘No,’ he said sternly. After I slumped my shoulders down in disappointment and softened my eyes he sighed, ‘I will take the library to you, but I am not taking you to the library.’ I twisted my brows more; I was never good at taking orders or making compromises. I did/said/took what I wanted. Unfortunately, my body was betraying my ability to do this.

He gave me a small smile and kissed the top of my forehead, ‘pouting, albeit adorable, will get you nowhere.’

I scrunched my face under his touch, ‘fine, bring me your stupid library then’ I huffed, my voice full of annoyance, as I adjusted myself on the bed and crossed my arms.

He gave a small laugh, taking joy in the small window of opportunity that left me compliant. He turned and walked towards the door, ‘I'll be back soon; there’s a guard outside your door so don’t think about getting up again.’

I didn’t say anything, I just shot him a look when he closed the door behind himself.

He came back with one arm precariously holding five large books, and a serving tray with fresh fruit and other snacks.

I scrunched up my nose, ‘I told you I’m not hungry.’

He let the books fall onto the bed in front of me, ‘you haven’t eaten in two days,’ he sat the tray down next to me. Just looking at it made my stomach protest sickly.

I turned away and reached for a book; Loki’s hand blocked mine. I looked up and him, ‘eat’ he said sternly. I shot him another look. I was growing increasingly infuriated. I angerly grabbed a singular berry from the platter and ate it before pushing past his hand to grab a book aggressively.

‘My, such a temper,’ he smirked and leaned away from me slightly.

‘I hate you’ I grumbled before settling in to read.

*LOKI POV*

The way she looked at me when I told her she cannot leave her bed again almost sent me over the edge. Looking upward with wide, soft eyes that said please, with her head tilted slightly to the left. She had never looked at me like that before. Granted, I was never in a position to tell her what to do before either. Those deep doe eyes set off a longing turn in my stomach that only she could manage to spark. It took everything in me to control my breath as I told her no again. God, she’ll be the death of me.

After seeing how mortal she really was, I felt an overwhelming need to protect her. I hadn’t left her side since arriving in Asgard, willing myself to stay awake just to watch the rise and fall of her chest to make sure she was still alright. I have never cared this deeply for someone before. She was intoxicating, and I found myself looking for reasons to get closer to her every second.

A reason to touch her, a reason to kiss her forehead, a reason to close all distance. Every time I did, it was in fleeting moments of casual affection, and I was left wanting so much more.

It felt juvenile to be so infatuated yet fearful of telling her. I’ve lived thousands of years with millions of lives, there have been people who have come and gone. But I had never felt for them what I felt for her. Up until a few years ago, I would have never thought myself to be deserving or capable of such affection.

These thoughts still linger, and I can’t help but feel that the possibility of future misery is far more likely than anything else if I allowed myself to fall into her. I shouldn’t be so greedy with how close she has allowed me to get already.

Her tempered compliance was enchanting. The scrunch of her nose, cross of her arms, left me hopelessly consumed with affection. If I ever let her know that, she would no doubt use it against me. I wouldn't mind letting her. Not that she needed to in any circumstance outside of this moment anyway; I would give her the nine realms if she asked.

The days that followed were filled with her asking to go explore the city, my refusal for allowing her to do that while on bed rest, her asking me a thousand questions about Asgard, and me bringing her more books to sift through.

We were up until the nights latest hours, encompassed in the dark. Both of us laying on the bed staring at the ceiling and talking, avoiding sleep. These hours where the rest of the world was quiet were my most valued. I didn’t know how I was ever going to spend my nights alone when we inevitably left Asgard.

‘What was she like?’ She asked, her voice small and gentle.

I took a moment before answering, ‘She was the kindest person I have ever known. She showed me softness that the rest of the world never gave me. She was smart, powerful, charming.’ I replied into the darkness.

There was a pause before I heard her turn her head on the pillow to face me. After a minute she said, ‘I would have loved to meet her. Maybe in a different lifetime.’

I smiled slightly, knowing that Frigga would have liked that response, and knowing that she would have loved to meet her too. ‘I wish I had more time with her. If I…’ I trailed off. I played that thought over and over in my head every day, but it was too heartbreaking to say out loud. Even to her.

I heard her shift again, then felt her head rest against my shoulder and her arms snake up across my chest, pulling me in. ‘We cannot blame ourselves for things that did not happen the way they were supposed to. The only thing that will do is make it hurt more.’

I gave a small soundless laugh, ‘that,’ I wrapped my arm around her, pulling her even closer, ‘is exactly what she would say.’

I can’t remember how long we layed like that, tangled in her bed that night. Neither of us pulled away, staying there until sleep consumed us both.

I couldn’t help but feel as if the fact that she never pulled away was a sign that maybe future misery wasn’t as possible as I thought.

Chapter Text

It only took a few more days until the healers granted me permission to be off bed rest. My face was bright and eager, and I was on my feet before they finished their sentence. My body protested and so did Loki, ‘slow down,’ he pushed on my shoulder lightly as I grabbed a nearby cloak.

‘You’re not in charge of me anymore. Let’s go for a walk’ I tugged on the cloak and pushed open the door with Loki following me closely. He was treating me like glass, as if I would shatter if I took one wrong step. He forcefully linked his arm through mine to pull me in and slow me down.

‘It is great to see that you’re back to your old endearing self,’ he said sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes and let my pace match his, ‘Okay, grand tour. I want to see everything. I’ve never been to space before!’

He smiled at my enthusiasm and pulled me towards the front doors.

I was absolutely blown away. I marveled at everything we passed, from the smallest flowers to the intricate designs of the buildings. I’m sure I looked ridiculous to him. After all, he grew up here and was accustomed to this place. I was a tourist in a foreign country.

The market was one of my favourite places we stopped at. Everyone we passed was very kind, greeting us warmly. I had forgotten that Loki was a prince here until I saw the way he interacted with others. The people would give a slight bow before addressing him, and he charmed them all in a friendly manner. The shop I took the most interest in was lined with potions and other apothecary. I brought my hand up to touch an intricately woven pendant made of bone and some type of dried plant. Loki gently took my hand in his before he touched it, ‘I wouldn’t, love. Some of these items are far too powerful for a Midgardian.’ I furrowed my brow at him and dropped my hand. He went on to decline any item I picked up to take with me. I think at this point he just took joy in the face I made when he told me no. Before we stepped out of the shop, the lady gifted me with a delicate bracelet, ‘please dear, take this. It’s a protective charm. I hope you fell better soon.’ I thanked her profusely and sincerely before Loki took my arm to continue our walk.

We eventually found ourselves at the castle’s garden. Complete with a greenhouse and a walking path. I stopped to look at almost every plant and tree in our path to marvel at them individually. I stood at a shrub of brilliant blue flowers the longest, my fingers lightly traced the petals as I took in its beauty.

I could feel him staring; it was a habit of his that he engaged in too often. I looked back at him, and he met my gaze with a warm smile. The look in his eyes was intoxicating; staring into me like I was the only thing in the world. It made my chest flutter.

I was suddenly aware of how long we stood there without talking so I fumbled to look back at the flowers and fill the silence, ‘this is definitely not what I thought space would be like’ I smiled.

He gave a short laugh and stepped forward. Revealing a dagger, he cut a flower free. Gently pushing my hair back as I turned to look at him again, he tucked it behind my ear, ‘we are only one realm of many, there is much more to see.’

I tried to will my face to hide my blush as he fixed my hair slightly around the flower. I thought of the to-do list that I had made for myself when I faced the bomb and my stomach twinged with anxiety. My heart longed to tell him, but the fear of what might happen after I did was all consuming.

He broke the silence hesitantly as if he was reading my mind, ‘before you were called into the mission…’

‘My lady! The healers have been taking care of you I see!’

A voice called from the perimeter of the garden. I took a breath and tried not to think about what would have happened if Loki finished his sentence.

I turned and pulled away from him to see Thor, making his way towards us. I smiled at him, ‘you can’t get rid of me that easily.’ He laughed and pulled me into a quick hug. I was a little hesitant, I wasn’t used to casual friendly touch. I told myself to relax; if there is a time for such affection it would be after a near death experience.

After pulling away he grabbed my shoulders softly, ‘good to see you back on your feet. Has my brother showed you the castles wine cellar yet? It is without a doubt the kingdoms most precious gem’ he half-joked as he took my arm to start walking me back to the castle.

‘After the week I’ve had, I could definitely use a drink. Or ten.’ I smiled back at him.

‘Come, brother. Let us go celebrate the little warrior’s victory’ Thor called back to Loki. I turned to look at him just in time to see him cover up his disappointment from Thor’s interruption with a smile.

***

The city was even more beautiful at night. I leaned on a railing, looking down at the lights below. The cool evening air cut against my cheek, and I took in a deep, even breath. I could hear the loud chatter and music coming from inside the castle. As much as I liked drinking, I was never much for parties.

‘People are starting to wonder where you went’ I heard the balcony door close behind him as he stepped forward to lean against the railing beside me.

I gave a small smile, still looking down at the city lights, ‘I like to let people wonder.’

He let out small laugh and let the silence hang for a minute before saying tentatively, ‘the healers said you can continue your rest on your own planet whenever you’re ready to leave.’

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow before huffing out, ‘I don’t think I want to leave. Its so peaceful here,' I gestured to the city below us. I sighed, 'What I think It am ready for, though, is to go to bed.’ I pushed away from the railing.

‘Ill walk with you, I’m not one for parties either’ he stepped forward to take my arm.

It was a quiet walk through the castle; when we got to my room, Loki closed the door behind us. I raised my eyebrow at him, ‘you still don’t trust me enough to leave me alone?’

He smirked and put his hands in his pockets, ‘you’re rather self-destructive, I can’t have you dying in my realm just because you’re stubborn.’

I rolled my eyes, but some part of me appreciated the opportunity to be cared for. I was too accustomed to being self-reliant, it was a nice change of pace. I took off the extra layers of robes I was wearing and leaned against the wall, drawing in a deep breath. It had been a long day and the exhaustion was creeping up.

He stepped towards me cautiously. When I looked in his eyes, I could see that he was thinking. I tilted my head slightly to the side, ‘something on your mind?’ I was painfully aware of how he was slowly closing the distance between us, it made the nerves in my chest flutter lightly.

He took another minute, hesitating, ‘before you were called to the mission, you were about to say something to me,’ not a question.

I held my breath. I wasn’t ready for this conversation. Any hope that I had built up when thinking of this moment was diminishing into panic. I felt that old instinctual need to run, change the subject, avoid what was about to happen.

He finished closing the gap between us. He seemed… nervous. I had never seen him like that before. He was being vulnerable. He had completely dropped his emotional walls for me. I felt a pang of guilt, why was it so hard for me to do the same?

I didn’t know I was avoiding his eyes until he brought his hand up to my chin, tilting it upward. ‘I want to know what you were going to say.’

My head was spinning, I couldn’t think. His other hand grazed my hip as if to steady me. I couldn’t hold my breath anymore. I had to say/do/be something.

‘I… I was going to say’ I fought to find the words, my stomach was turning feverishly. I couldn’t hear my own voice when the words tumbled out of my mouth, ‘I was going to say... get to know me. Really, truly, get to know me.’

He took a breath, I felt like I was going to implode from the nerves. I couldn’t move, so he did.

He kissed me.

It was so gentle it took me a minute to register it was happening. Our lips gently parted against each other as I breathed into him, closing my eyes. I kissed him back, full of want and longing. I brought my hand up to tangle my fingers in his hair, pulling him closer. I felt him breathe out in response.

His lips were cool against mine. All the fear and nerves that were building up inside me for the past few months had finally escaped me and I felt my body relax into his. His hand moved up my body, setting my skin on fire where he touched me. I couldn’t help but let a sigh escape my mouth.

This was the moment that I’ve been craving for.

The feeling of giving into all my fears and instincts was exhilarating. Letting his hips press against mine, I moved my hand to gently graze down from his face to his chest. I never wanted to leave this moment. My body craved more.

As luck would have it though, that small moment was all that was allotted to us before someone aggressively banged on the door to my room.

I broke away from Loki in a gasp, startled. Pushing past Loki gently, I opened the door to find Thor on the other side.

‘My lady, I’m sorry to intrude, but I believe we are needed back on Earth quite immediately.’ His voice sounded grave and there was sincerity in his eyes; it worried me. 

I blinked up at him, unscrambling my brain, ‘why? What’s going on?’

He shifted, ‘I’m afraid the Hydra attack you stopped wasn’t the last.’

I stitched my brows together, putting my mind back together again like a puzzle inside my brain. I had no more time to spend thinking of what had just happened.

Chapter Text

As my feet landed back on American soil, my stomach lurched. I keeled over slightly, fighting the nausea.

‘Jesus Christ, space travel isn’t for the faint of heart,’ I muttered through gritted teeth.

‘Alright, gangs all here- what the fuck are you wearing?’ Tony looked me up and down, gesturing to the Asgardian robes.

I rolled my eyes, ‘my suit was shredded, I had to make do.’

‘What, they don’t have good taste on Asgard? Here, this will suit you better,’ He tossed me a small pin, adorned with a pentagram. Funny, Stark. Ha Ha.

‘What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?’ I held up the pin and scrunched my face.

‘Its your nano-tech suit I’ve been working on, Elphaba. Press the center in.’

I raised my eyebrows, finally! Taking off my excess layers, I pinned the crest to my shirt and pressed it. The nanotech spread over my body quickly and I nodded approvingly, ‘perfect fit, thanks Tony.’ I glided my hands over the new suit.

‘You sound surprised, I’m more than my looks you know. Alright, everyone in the conference room for the second order of business.’

I took my respective seat as Steve took over, setting up the screen in front of us. My brain compartmentalized everything that had happened before I returned to Earth; there was no time to think about any of that. Not when your day-job is saving people.

‘After the bomb at the security company, four Hydra agents were arrested and interrogated. They’re built to withstand interrogation techniques so the only thing we got out of them is that this wasn’t going to be the last attack. Last night, we received a crisis call from our friends at SHIELD, alerting us of a security breach at their New York office headquarters. Unfortunately, this was a distraction,’ Steve swiped his hand at the screen to reveal an image of a building in ruins. I bit back a gasp when he said, ‘an apartment building on the same block exploded, resulting in sixty-four causalities and over two hundred severely injured. This is no longer just about politics, this-‘he swiped the screen again and I averted my eyes at the sight of the limp bodies littering the ground outside the apartment complex, ‘is terrorism.’

My mouth was dry. I wasn’t there. I could have helped.

‘We are now playing a waiting game; these people don’t leave paper trails. We have no idea when the next attack will be. We have the best agents trying to figure it out, but until then, we are on standby’ Tony said.

‘What, we're just supposed to sit around and wait? Sixty-four people are already dead, Tony’ Bucky said, his voice held a serious tone as his face twisted.

‘There’s nothing we can do. We have no way to predict what or when or if something will happen. If you want to help the agents and work the case, be my guest. But for now, we wait. Hermione, you’re benched until you’re fully healed.’

I scoffed and knitted my eyebrows together, ‘I’m ready, I can’t sit around here and do nothing if you guys get called out on a mission’ I said stubbornly.

‘Oh yeah? Here,’ He firmly set down the cup he was holding on the conference table and gestured to it theatrically, ‘move that.’

I rolled my eyes and flicked my wrist to fling the cup into the wall.

The cup moved an inch.

Shit.

‘That’s what I thought. The bomb took an extreme amount of energy and power for you to contain it, you need time to build your powers back up.’

I huffed, leaning back into my seat and crossing my arms. Great. I got called back here to do absolutely nothing. And I don’t even get to use my new suit.

I left the meeting feeling absolutely useless. I didn’t know if Loki was looking for me after, and I didn’t care. I headed straight to my room and closed the door behind me. I sighed, bitter, tired, sore. I took off my suit, replaced it with something more comfortable, and climbed into my bed. Useless.

I kept my distance from everyone for a few days, my ego severely bruised after being told no, when they got called into a mission and I suited up to go with them. I instead took copies of the current Hydra files and looked through them alone in my room.

On the fourth night of my protest, someone knocked on my door. When I didn’t answer, they cautiously turned the handle and let themselves in.

‘Its Friday, you didn’t come to team dinner. Not even I was allowed to ever skip that’ Loki said from the entrance.

I didn’t look up, and instead flipped a page in the files spread out across my bed, ‘I’m not hungry,’ I said shortly.

I heard him close the door behind him and step forward to place a plate at the foot of my bed, ‘I don’t think that was the reason.’ When I didn’t reply, he continued, ‘your stubbornness gets the better of you, love.’

I huffed to show my disinterest. He gave a short nod, ‘well then, Ill leave you be.’ He paused to look at me to see if I would protest, I just turned the page in the files again. He closed the door behind himself.

After a week, I woke up at 3:12 am in a panic. It was the most uncomfortable kind that left my skin crawling with memories. I didn’t often have nightmares of my life before leaving home, but when I did, they unsettled me deeply. My chested tightened and my breathing was deep and unrhythmic. I closed my eyes, willing my brain and body to calm. My hand mindlessly traced a faded scar on my side.

I knew sleep was not going to grace me again tonight, so I changed and made my way to the gym.

I let the emotions seep out from me through my fists and into a punching bag. Nightmares of my home life left me reminded of all the pain I’ve suffered at the hands of my family, and the reminder of that left me feeling gravely exasperated. The mixture of anger and vulnerability that built up inside me was bubbling up to the surface. I could feel the skin of my knuckles tearing more with each hit I landed.

‘Trouble sleeping?’ Loki called from the entrance. I’m sure he was hoping to startle me, but I didn’t allow him the satisfaction.

‘Leave me alone’ I said coldly, not taking my eyes off the punching bag.

He ignored me and stepped into the training room, maneuvering around the equipment littering the floor. ‘You seem troubled.’

‘Really, what gave you that impression?’ I landed another hit.

He must have been standing closer to me than I thought because when I went to hit the bag again he caught my wrist and spun me to face him, ‘you’re bleeding,’ he said, his eyebrows knitted together as he went to pull back the wrap twisted around my hand, but I yanked myself away from his grasp.

‘I said leave me alone.’ I shot him a serious look. I was in absolutely no condition to play his games.

He looked taken aback. His eyes were twisted into an emotion I couldn’t recognize. We stood there for a moment as he examined my face before he slowly said, ‘this isn’t just about the missions.’

I was vulnerable. All of my hurt and anger was coming through onto my face. I had never let anyone see me like this. With my history written on my skin. I couldn’t control it. I was so tired of hiding. All I could manage to say was, ‘I feel useless.’

I don’t know if he knew what I meant by it; that I was forever trapped in the pain of my past. That there would always be a version of me as a child in my home, vulnerable and defenseless. With my powers abandoning me, I was so weak. I was back in that house. Absolutely useless.

I didn’t notice that I was crying until he gingerly reached his hands up to hold my face, thumbs grazing my cheeks. His eyes were riddled with sympathy, and he said something that I couldn’t understand. I squeezed my eyes shut. I was so vulnerable.

He grazed his lips on my forehead and muttered something against it; I realized he was speaking Asgardian. I took a breath and it was shaky; I hated my body for betraying me. I held his wrists near my face tightly and buried my head in his shoulder. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. 

He placed another kiss on my temple, then on my ear, whispering in-between the actions. I was breaking underneath him. He moved his hands from my face to press one at the nape of my neck, and the other on my back. I curled my fists up against his chest and let my emotions pour out. 

He kept trailing kisses on my face and whispering. Even though I didn't know what he was saying, it was so comforting. I realized in that moment that no one had ever comforted me before with the careful kindness that he was offering now. 

I gave a slow, even breath, wiping the ruminants of tears from my eyes before pulling away from him. As I did, he left one final kiss on my temple. He gave me a look that asked me if I was okay, so I nodded. 

He gave me a gentle smile before taking my hand, 'come, I'll make you a coffee. I don't think either of us are going back to sleep tonight.' 

Chapter Text

*Loki’s POV*

I felt a great honour when she allowed me to hold her and see her for everything that she is. She must have felt incredibly vulnerable, but she trusted me in that moment. Me. No one has ever trusted me like she did. I had an overwhelming need to protect her, care for her, and be what she needs. For the first time, I was responsible for someone other than myself. This was a level of accountability that I had never been trusted with before.

I handed her a cup of coffee and grabbed a few blankets from the basket next to the couch. I took one and pulled it around her shoulders as she nursed her coffee, sitting with her legs crossed. I sat next to her and pulled another blanket up to rest on our legs.

I could tell she appreciated the silence, so I let it hang. I leaned into the sofa and closed my eyes. I had done everything she needed me to today; and I felt a longing to be that person for her for the rest of her mortal life.

I almost flinched when I felt her head rest onto my shoulder. She curled around me and pulled the blanket around herself tighter. ‘Thank you.’ It was barely a whisper, but it made my heart twist.

I adjusted my arm to wrap around her and pull her in closer, resting my cheek on the top of her head. I wanted to tell her that I would give her everything if she asked.

Instead, I placed a kiss on the top of her head in response. Kissing her felt so easy, it was second nature to find any bare skin of hers to press my lips on. The memories of Asgard tugged in my chest, longing for the moment that she will let me kiss her like that again.

Until then, I will be everything that she needs.

When I lead her back to her room, we said our goodnights. Just before she closed the door, I noticed through the dim morning light that her sweater, my sweater, was curled on the bed amongst the pillows and sheets. Biting the inside of my lip, I tried to keep away the smile that was forming on my face as a warm glow twisted in my chest. She’s gonna be the death of me.

***

Falling back into my life at the Avengers compound was slowly getting easier, but with my powers still not at full capacity I was so bored.

Tony stopped letting me train despite my protests, saying that I need to conserve my energy so my body can heal from the inside. That left me with very few things to do.

I found myself in the doorframe of Loki’s room, ‘save me from my own personal hell and come with me to the bookstore,’ I leaned against the frame, jokingly putting resting the back of my hand on my forehead, ‘I think if I don’t leave this compound Ill die from boredom. You still wanna keep me from dying, right?’

He smirked before standing to find his jacket, ‘for now; ask me again in a week when you choose another horrible romantic comedy for movie night.’

My face lit up before taking his hand, pulling him out of the room. I hadn’t left the compound in so long; I was excited to breathe some fresh air.

Time moved differently in the bookstore, much like on Asgard. There was never a sense of urgency; everyone simply existed to browse the dusty shelves. I always found myself holding Loki’s hand here, tugging him along the isles. He never gave any protest to it; in fact, I often found him squeezing my hand to gain my attention when he found something interesting. It just felt right. A part of me wished that the two of us could just exist in this liminal space forever.

My heart tugged at the memories of Asgard and I wondered when/if/how Ill get up the courage to close the distance between Loki and I again.

When we stepped back out into reality, it was much colder. The wind was picking up and it carried a bite, but I was properly bundled. I looked at Loki while we walked and knitted my eyebrows together, ‘you’re gonna catch a cold if you keep going out like that,’ I gestured to his light jacket and lack of accessories.

He raised an eyebrow and smirked, ‘Frost giants don’t get colds, dear.’

I huffed and paused our walk to take off my scarf, ‘here,’ I wrapped it around his neck before he could protest and tucked it into the front of her jacket, ‘you are the only joy I have right now since I’m benched from training and missions, I can’t lose you too just because you were too stubborn to dress for the weather. You’re the only thing keeping me sane.’ When I stopped fussing with the scarf, I met his eyes. He was… blushing. And dazed. He looked so utterly lost in how to respond to such a simple kindness, I thought for a minute that maybe I was the first person to do something nice for him. It was adorable. I smiled to break the silence, ‘Come on, we should go, before it gets dark.’

I tugged his arm; at some point on the walk, he pulled the scarf closer to his face, just past his mouth. I wondered if he was trying to shield himself from the wind, or if maybe he just liked having it close to him.

Adorable.

I don’t remember ever getting that scarf back.

Chapter Text

It was 2:56am when I decided that despite my best efforts, my brain was not going to allow me to fall asleep tonight.

I groaned and rubbed my eyes; I had been willing my body to sleep since eleven, and I was growing increasingly frustrated as the minutes passed.

I kept thinking of Loki.

Thinking of the last time his hand lingered on my waist, the last time he kissed my temple, the way he looked at me with that something I just couldn’t place written in his eyes.

Thinking about when he kissed me with delicate urgency, pulling me in so that we were breathing the same air, letting his hands roam up my sides.

I thought in that moment, that everything had fallen into place. I sighed, knowing I should have not been so deliriously optimistic.

Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe I could get us back there to that moment. Maybe if I was bold enough I could will time to bend in our favour.

Maybe.

He was the only person/thing/situation that I had ever let myself be sanguine when thinking about.

That had to count for something, right?

I have fought aliens, been stabbed and shot countless times, I have faced bombs and imminent death, I can do this.

I climbed out of my bed.

By the time I got to Loki’s room, the adrenaline was wearing off. My heart was lurching with panic.

I couldn’t let this go on any longer.

I knocked.

He answered with a tired voice.

So I opened and then closed the door behind me, leaning against it. He was in bed and seemed groggy, considering how little sleep the two of us got I felt guilty for interrupting.

I realized I had been standing there for a little bit too long. ‘I couldn’t sleep,’ the words tumbled out of my mouth with nerves to fill the silence.

I could just make out a smile on his face as he shifted to stand up and walk towards me, ‘I gathered that much, what brings you here?’

I took a breath, ‘I’ve been thinking; terrible how brains do that, right? Think. So inconvenient and annoying, especially when you’re trying to sleep.’ It was a shitty joke; I was rambling. God I’m pathetic, keep it together.

He raised an eyebrow, taking humour in my anxious mannerisms. ‘What could you possibly be thinking of that makes you this nervous?’ He smirked, rolling up the sleeves on his shirt before taking a few more steps.

I hesitated, time to rip off the band aid. All my courage had left my body, and it showed through my voice as I barely managed to whisper, ‘you’.

In the darkness of the room, I was growing increasingly aware of how close he was getting. I felt his hand move up my cheek and into my hair. The slow movements made my breath unsteady. ‘Are you scared?’

‘of course I’m not scared of you, don’t be ridiculous.’ I huffed, hoping he couldn’t see my blush in the dark.

‘I didn’t mean of me, love. I meant of what this might mean. What it could be.’ He rested his other hand on my hip, teasing the bottom of my shirt, lifting it slightly so that his cool hand could trace my bare skin lightly. I drew in a sharp breath at his touch.

‘You’re scared of this?’ He pulled my hair back lightly and I gasped, he exposed my neck so he could leave a kiss at the base near my collar bone. My heartbeat was erratic, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move.

“You don’t want this?’ His mouth made its way up my neck, and his hand made its way up my shirt. I bit back my breath when his teeth pinched the sensitive area just below my ear before longingly kissing the mark.

“This makes you nervous?’ He left an imprint on my jaw; my breathing was getting heavy, and I only now noticed that I was letting my hands roam him. His hips rolled against mine and he tucked one leg in-between my own, getting closer to me than I thought was possible.

‘Tell me and Ill stop’ his lips barely brushed mine as he spoke, all I knew was that I wanted more.

So I let him kiss me.

It was much more heated than the last one, full of passion and longing. I delicately traced my fingers up from his chest, past his neck, and knotted them in his hair. He parted his lips in a sigh when I gave a light tug so that I could make my way down his neck, leaving marks. When I found the sensitive area near his ear he moaned, his voice hoarse from the sleep I interrupted. He gently bit the exposed area of my shoulder, as if he was trying to control the instinctive sounds climbing up his throat.

I was exactly where I wanted to be. I had finally closed the distance. I had stared into the eyes of possible future misery and won. He was mine, and we were going to spend whatever time we had left getting to know each other. I was going to be losing sleep for a reason other than nightmares. I was going to allow myself to be consumed whole heartedly by him.

When he lifted me so that I could wrap my legs around his waist, I knew that it was all over. He was going to be the death of me.

Chapter Text

I furrowed my brow; the noise was almost too small to hear. Scanning the room in confusion, trying to find the source, I saw Loki. He looked dreadful. In like, a terribly adorable way. His face was sunken and his nose red as he stared at the kettle on the stove with glossy eyes.

I twisted my face more, ‘did you just… sneeze?’ He looked at me like he hadn’t noticed that I had been sitting there, curled up against the table with my journal under my hands. I smirked, ‘I thought gods didn’t get colds.’

He tried to make himself look more present by fixing his hair and holding his shoulders back, lifting his chin slightly. Adorable. ‘Of course they don’t, I’m just not feeling all that well. Probably the weather.’

My smirk shifted into a smile, the weather had indeed been dreary, but knowing I was sick last week and that he refused to let me curl up in my room alone, he definitely caught my cold.

So I got up from my seat to gently walk towards him, bringing my hands to his face to tilt it down so that I could place a kiss on his forehead, ‘go rest, I’ll bring you your tea when it’s ready.’

I turned around to walk towards the kettle, but he pulled me in backwards. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he buried his face in the crook of my neck as he mumbled, ‘I’m not sick. I can take care of myself.’ I gave a light laugh; his voice was hoarse and sore from travelling up his throat.

I shouldn’t be so surprised, I was just as insistent when he wanted to take care of me.

‘Go away, you’re not supposed to see me like this.’ I groaned under a mountain of blankets in my bed. He laughed; he thought I was adorable; still protesting despite the ragged tole the sickness had taken on me.

He moved into the room, picking up the mug on my nightstand. ‘Love, coffee is not for when you’re sick. Let me make you some tea.’

‘I don’t need tea, I’ll be fine. It’s just a cold.’ I scrunched my face, pulling the blankets up further to bury myself in.

He was already out the door headed towards the kitchen.

I have to admit, it was nice being cared for. He changed my sheets while I showered so I came back to a clean downturned bed. When my eyes were too heavy to keep open, he read to me while I curled up against his chest with him absentmindedly running his hands through my hair. He made sure I ate, and my mug of tea was never empty. The few days we spent like that felt out of our reality; like time and responsibilities had never existed for us. I wished we could have stayed like that for the rest of our lives. Well, without me sneezing every five seconds. 

It was my turn to be the overbearing protective partner, and his turn to comply with futile protests.

After a while I finally coaxed him back to his bed, and brought him the tea he started brewing. I found more blankets in my room to bury him under, and he pulled them up to his chest willingly. He was not someone who sat well for anything that didn't interest him. The only way I could keep him in his bed was to promise that I would stay there with him. Still, he squirmed against me, constantly repositioning himself and the blankets. 

I had to hold back a giggle at his childish mannerisms, ‘stop fussing, here-‘ I pulled up the blankets and crawled in, tugging his arm to bring him close to me. After he settled with one arm around me and his head on my shoulder, I reached to the bedside table and picked up a nearby book. ‘Is this what you’re reading right now?’ I gently waved it in front of his face.

‘Mmhm’ he said, his voice was growing heavy. I looked down to see how tired and sunken his eyes were. The sickness was catching up to him, and he was slowly caving into it.

So, I opened the book and started reading. The novel read like a poem, dripping with vehemence and aching desire. I soon picked up that it was a romance novel, and that it was incredibly and ridiculously enamored. As I read, I wondered what drew him to it. I wondered if there was a version of him that either appreciated the beautiful writing style, or if he was secretly just a hopeless romantic. I wondered if he found something within the book that paralleled with something inside himself.

I thought about how he might have been thinking of me while reading this.

It didn’t take long for me to notice that he was fast asleep in my arms. There was something so ridiculous about a god, who had lived thousands of years and hundreds of lives, lightly snoring in the dizzy haze of affliction.

***

The next few days were a blur of me insisting he take ‘Midgardian medicine’ and him gently protesting any help or comfort I offered. He always caved in; despite the illusion of his independence, I was starting to get the impression that he enjoyed it.

When I told him I was going to get him more medicine, he groaned and pulled me in further into his arms, burying his head into my shoulder. I smiled softly, moving his hair away from his face to kiss his forehead, ‘Ill be right back.’

That was a lie, I was gone a lot longer than I expected to be. Loki eventually found me in the kitchen, ‘what are you doing?’ His brow was furrowed, and he shamelessly had a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

‘It is Midgardian tradition to make someone soup when they’re sick. I’m almost done, I promise’ I waved the wooden spoon I was holding.

Loki kept his stature ridged and his face scrunched as he stepped further into the kitchen, eyeing the pot on the stove, ‘what’s in it?’

‘Its chicken noodle soup. But not just regular chicken noodle soup, its my chicken noodle soup. Which makes it the best soup you will ever have’ he watched me start to add spices and herbs from nine different containers to the pot.

He made a noise in what I hope was approval, before wrapping his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into his blankets. I felt him nuzzle into the crook of my neck, ‘thank you for taking care of me,’ he said after a minute, before placing a kiss on my jaw.

I gave a light laugh, 'I never took you for the clingy type, I cant be gone more than five minutes before you wilt.'

He tightened his grip around me, 'It's your own fault. You've captivated me, love. I have half a mind to think that you've slipped a love potion into all the medicine you're feeding me.' 

I smiled, 'no potion needed, I am just that charming.'

He breathed a laugh into my neck, 'I cant disagree with that.' 

Chapter Text

Loki was hopelessly intoxicated beyond repair.

Mortals talk about this moment. The moment. When you lock eyes with someone for the first time and the universe stills on its axis as you’re pulled into a person. The person. Everything slows for you to commit every detail to memory, because this moment is simply unforgettable.

It was the smile on her face, the singular dimple that followed. The flow of her hair as her head tilted. The crinkle at the corner of her eyes. The faint constellation of freckles that would be missed if you didn’t look close enough. All these tiny details of her burned into his memory as he thought, for the first time in his very long life: this is it. The moment. It’s all over.

He wasn’t sure if she had that moment too the first time they met. If she did, she never let it show. Sometimes, mortals say that the moment can happen after the first glance. That it’s not always immediate and painfully obvious. That it can take a few hundred interactions before it hits them. He’s going to make a point of asking her sometime, when the moment hit her. And hell make a point of telling her of when his moment was in some dizzyingly romantic haze that will either make her eyes roll or the corners of her eyes crinkle.

He never thought it would happen to him the way that it did. Thousands of years and a few hundred lifetimes, no one had ever led him to believe that the moment existed until her.

It was strange, that the first thing he remembered from meeting her was her smile. She didn’t offer it to him often, despite his efforts. It was rare, to be earned. He had no idea what he had done when he first met her to deserve it. Perhaps it was instinctual for her to give a friendly greeting. Maybe he said something charming that tugged at her chest. Maybe she was just in a good mood that day and her smile had nothing to do with him. No matter the reasoning, he found himself trying to collect more. More gestures that brought him closer to her until he inevitably fell in. More moments where he said/did/was something that made her feel enough emotion to let it show in her mannerisms.

He found that the roll of her eyes were cheap and given out freely, and they provided him with almost the same level of satisfaction. They said more than they were meant to. To him, they said that he had said/done/was something worthy of her attention. The dismissive flick of her wrist was worth slightly more; in that it required a higher level of emotion from her.

Now that they have both fallen into each other, he found himself collecting more mannerisms that he had only imagined he could have pulled out of her after the first meeting. The smiles came easier now. And so did the subconscious drift of her hand to find his. The satisfying slip of her breath under his touch. The instinctive pull on his shirt to bring him closer. He collected space. Discovering, revealing, and claiming pieces of her. Collecting inches of her skin with his hands, collecting the space in her lungs, collecting sounds from her throat.

He was always left wanting more.

It was, what she would call, a lazy Sunday afternoon. No obligations or tasks, just time to fill with whatever they pleased. He managed to keep her all to himself that day, tucked away in her room with no disturbances or interruptions. Her legs over his, tucked in close together under a blanket. Her nose was buried in a book, with furrowed brows of concentration. He kept one hand on her thigh, absentmindedly tracing delicate patterns as he held up a book of his own with his other hand.

He used to be unbearably restless, filling his time with meaningless side quests that inevitably gave him more grief than reward. He found no interest in this anymore, anything he was searching for in his restlessness was offered by her. There was nothing left to search for, no time to push through, no boredom to escape.

She stirred beside him, pulling his attention away from the book he was only half heartedly reading. He watched her find a pen and, with great concentration, lay its mark on the book she held delicately.

It was a beautiful habit of hers that he had always been interested in. Before they fell, he would analyze the marks on the pages in efforts to feel closer to her. To understand her better. The marked words were things that grabbed her attention, things that she wanted to remember, things that made her feel. He would trace his fingers over her writing to decide what each marked passage would mean to her.

“What did it say?” He found himself asking. He didn’t need to know in order to understand her anymore, she offered herself wholeheartedly to him. But he still found interest in the things that caught her attention. He always would, he figured.

She hummed before setting the pen back down, and answered in an even tone, “there is no unravelling us, no place where I end and he begins. There is no unravelling any of it. I am entwined with everything, from mayflies to the farthest star.” She smiled slightly as she read it, tracing a finger over the words delicately.

“Is that how you feel?” He felt a great sense of honour to be able to ask her about its significance, instead of having to decode and analyze it for himself.

She tilted her head slightly, “about which part?”

He met her eyes again, “all of it.” He wanted to know everything. To collect her thoughts.

She took a moment, unravelling her thoughts into appropriate sentences, “well, the short answer is yes, then. That’s how I feel. Everything is connected. And so are we. And now that were here, together, there is no unravelling any of it. I’m sorry to say that there’s no getting rid of me now,” she playfully nudged him with her leg, provoking a smile from him.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he was closer to her now, pulling her in. She let him, with complete vulnerability. The kiss was soft and open, where their lips barely touched as they breathed the same air. It left her longing, wanting more. More of the kiss, more of him, more of the flutter in her chest that it gave her. Slowly with gentle practice, she was moving until she was in his lap. His hands were just as careful, barely touching her skin as they moved up her hips and teased the hem of her shirt. She tucked one hand into his side, pulling at his sweaters fabric to urge him closer. The other hand traced up his neck, making him sigh with longing. She found herself wanting to hear more evidence that he was yearning for her, wanting to know that she could leave his mind blank with just the intoxicating need for more. The roll of her hips triggered a low sound of satisfaction to travel up through his throat, and she felt him tighten his grip on her hips; more.

She continued to move, feeling the friction between them grow deeper. She trailed her mouth down his neck, gentle at first. She wanted to hear him ask for more. She wanted to know that she could make him unravel with want.

He pulled one hand up from her hip to bury into her hair, pulling her face deeper into his neck. So deeper she went, leaving a bruise just below his ear. When he gave another low moan, she bit gently into the mark.

His other hand had moved from her waist to trail up her thigh, urging her skirt along the way. She moved again under his touch, warranting another rough sound from his throat. His hand grazed her underwear, painfully slow and careful, sending a deep moan through her mouth. He continued to urge her, with the same painfully slow manner. He wanted to know that he could make her unravel with want.

“What’s that, love?” He spoke lowly, urging her to ask for more, lightening his touch between her.

“please,” it was barely a whisper, dizzy with longing.

“Please, what?” He teased, lightly brushing against her again.

“Please, give me more,” her breath was hot against her neck, struggling to find the right words to ask for what she needed in her haze of yearning.

And he did just that. Pressing into her against her underwear, building pressure. Burying her head into his neck with a moan, she rocked against him.

When he stopped, she let out a whine, pulling lightly at his hair tangled in her hand in protest. He gave a low, teasing laugh, “so impatient, love.”

He undid his belt as she moved her hand down to help remove the clothing between them before reaching back down. She moved her hand over him, earning a moan, before moving her hips to ease down onto him. She bit into his shoulder as she rocked her hips, fucking him slowly to unravel him beneath her. His fingers pressed into her hips, likely leaving bruises. Each moan from him enticed her to move quicker, in a haze of pure pleasure. His dominant hand moved down between them, and she let out a whine as his fingers teased her clit.

His murmurs of lust were lost in the haze; you’re so good, love. So good. Just like that. Yes. Fuck.

The pressure built and she couldn’t control the sounds that repetitively fell out of her mouth, her legs shaking and the roll of her hips becoming sloppy with urgency. He sent her over the edge, “come for me.”

She let out a finalized whimper and she bit down on his shoulder again, easing herself back into reality. His hands, one still on her hip, the other in her hair, held her to him as he continued to fuck her from underneath the weight of her climax. She let out another whine and he continued to rock into her sore body. When he came, he let out a string of murmurs, his breath hot against her neck, so good for me, fuck. Yes. Fuck.

When he pulled out, she kissed him deeply and urgently. There was no unravelling them. No point where she ends and he begins. There was no unravelling any of it.

Chapter Text

With my headphones in, I waited impatiently for my coffee to brew. Steady beat, slow drip, soft sweater. I count these small insignificant comforts like beads of a rosary. I keep them tucked in the back of my brain neat and tidy in storage. Just in my reach to count them again, and add more blessings as the days pass.

dark eyes, steady hands, sleepless nights, tired mornings.

I worry that I may run out of room for all the things he has given me to count.

I cant believe how goddamn lucky I am to be worried of such frivolous things.

Me. The girl worried of having to make space for so much love.

As if anyone couldn't tell, I was feeling particularly good today. Everything had fallen into place. I didn’t have any stressors invading my brain chemistry. Even my powers were completely healed. I had all this pent-up energy from being benched that I just couldn’t wait to expel. It channeled through my hands, restlessly tapping on the counter along to the music pouring through my headphones. Yes, today was going to be a great day.

A hand wrapping around my waist pulled me out of my thoughts abruptly, making me jump. I pulled out my headphones to hear Loki laugh in my ear, “sorry, love. Did I scare you?”

I huffed, relaxing my shoulders. I almost leaned into him, but a thought stopped me. I found myself pulling away, creating space between us. He let his hand hesitantly fall from my waist, taking a beat before moving to stand next to me, leaning against the counter.

He let his confusion spread up into his face, furrowing his brow. It was always amusing to see him look at me like that, as if he was trying to read my mind instead of directly asking me what I was thinking. To save his pride from completely diminishing, he tried to recover himself with a irreverent smile, ‘don’t tell me you’re getting shy now.’

I instinctively rolled my eyes and kept moving, keeping my hands busy with the coffee machine in front of me and failing at my attempt to hide my grin, ‘please. I know you don’t take this superhero shit seriously, but this is my job. I’m on the clock. I need to keep a level of professionalism in common areas.’ I knew he wouldn’t take me seriously, that he would see it as another boundary to push.

Just as I guessed, a mischievous smile formed on his face as he inched closer, “you don’t want the others finding out about us.”

I waved a hand in dismissal before grabbing the coffee pot to pour, “no, I don’t care if they know about us. I just don’t want them thinking I can’t separate work from personal. I’m not going to be that girl who’s too busy swooning to pay attention during briefs.”

Before he could answer with some dismissive sarcastic notion, the door to the kitchen kicked open. I gave Loki a final warning look, don’t you dare embarrass me. He waved his hands innocently and I rolled my eyes again. Tony had walked in, seating himself at the kitchen island, staring attentively at his phone. I saw my opportunity and took it, picking up my coffee mug and moving to sit next to him with such bravado that I narrowly avoided spilling my coffee.

“Stark, did you see my latest physio reports? The doc cleared me. I’m back at 110%, I’ve been training, my powers are completely back. When’s the next mission? I’m off the bench, right?” I looked at him hopefully as the words spilled out of my mouth, unable to hide the tones of excitement.

Tony waved his hand at me, “calm down, Maleficent. You have my blessing. By the power vested in me, blah, blah, blah. Happy?” I nodded, wide eyed and antsy to get back in the field. Tony didn’t even look up from his phone.

I had been wearing the nano-tech pin that Tony had given me 24/7. I refused to take it off, just in case I would have magically been granted privileges before the doctors I was working with allowed it. I craved the blood, sweat, and thrill of being an Avenger. It was a drug that I would never take for granted ever again. The impatient wait for the alarm on my phone of an impending mission assignment was going to kill me.

But as luck would have it, the timing was perfect.

Tony’s phone lit up first, then mine. Then came the blaring PA announcement from FRIDAY, “Attention, all notified personnel report to the third-floor hangar. Attention, all notified personnel report to the third-floor hangar.”

I practically jumped out of my seat, unsuccessful this time in saving my coffee, reaching to press the insignia on my pin. My body was consumed by my nano-tech suit, and I breathed out a sigh of anticipation.

Stark looked at me, my face beaming, “good to have you back, kid. Lets go,” he nodded towards the door. I fell into step quickly behind him, but just before I reached the door something caught my wrist.

Jesus, in all my excitement I forgot Loki was there. He turned me around and took my face in his hand, smiled in acknowledgement, “come back in one piece this time, love.”

I rolled my eyes for the third time that day and let him kiss my forehead, “no promises,” I quipped before turning on my heels to catch up to Tony, who was patiently waiting for me at the end of the hall outside the kitchen door.

He raised an eyebrow and smirked at me, making my steps hesitate. I knew what was coming. Not five minutes ago I was all high and mighty about that professionalism bullshit. I waivered knowing that any hopes of keeping the team banter about Loki and I's relationship at bay. 

 What he said wasn’t as bad as the rein of ridicule I was expecting, “Steve owes me twenty bucks.”

I scrunched my eyebrows as we kept walking, “you bet on my love life? I shouldn’t be surprised.”

He shrugged, “Steve didn’t think you were the bad-boy type. I disagreed; you think good guys are boring. Right? You hate that upstanding citizen shit.”

“You're not wrong,” I huffed and pushed open the door to the third floor hangar. Steve and Natasha were already there waiting for us.

“Alright team, remember that waiting game were playing with HYDRA? The waits over. SHEILD field agents reported suspicious activity at an event in downtown Washington. For now, were gonna keep an eye out a survey the area.”

“If you see something, say something?” Steve nodded in reply to my quip as I climbed into the jet ahead of the rest of the team, eager to get bloody and bruised.

“Oh and,” Steve called for my attention at the bottom of the jets stairway; when I turned to look back at him he gave me an apologetic look, “sorry, civilian clothes. Were gonna be working in the crowd.”

I slumped my shoulders dis-heartedly, pressing the insignia on my pin to recoil my nano-tech uniform.

***

LOKI'S POV

***

“He was right there, Steve! What the fuck did you want me to do?”

“I wanted you to work with the team. You caused a scene; it was reckless and its all over the news now! You weren’t thinking- “

“I was thinking! Thinking that they have been one step ahead of us for months, and that every second mattered!”

“You don’t get to make that decision.”

I watched her face heat up, the fire behind her eyes would be enough to make any man burn. I waivered for a minute, I should have stepped in the moment I heard their voices raise. 

I spent the better part of the day wandering, keeping myself busy throughout the compound until everyone came back from the mission. I heard the jet land back in the hangar and made my way towards the common areas in hopes that I could steal her away for the rest of the night. Now, I'm caught in a rather less than ideal situation listening to a heated argument between her and Steve near the doorway to the lounge just off the third floor hangar. And now, I desperately wanted nothing more than to steal her away.

I could hear her voice in the back of my brain though, I can take care of myself.

I didn’t want her to have to.

But that would be a decision that only she could make. So I let her stand her ground alone, as much as it broke me to let him tower over her like that.

“If I had the chance, Id make that decision again.”

I watched the captain draw in a sharp breath; she stayed firmly with her arms crossed as he looked down at her.

His words poured out, sharp and meant to leave marks, “You’re childish. Sloppy. Insubordinate. How could you jeopardize the team like that?” He abruptly moved his hand in a gesture, causing a wavering flicker of uncertainty behind her eyes. “You can be so stupid, you know that? I cant trust you to do anything right.”

He continued yelling, but I wasn’t focusing on him anymore. She was buckling under the weight of his words, trying to keep a straight face. But I could see her breaking. The rate of her breathing was picking up, and her eyes were starting to glaze over. In that moment, I felt her emotions as my own, and I could see what was happening. As much as I know she is determined to out run it, her past was slowly creeping up behind her. Burying its marks in her throat, burning at her eyes. I remembered the first time she flinched at me, and how I would let worlds collapse before I'd let her feel that way around me again.

I couldn’t let her stand there alone anymore.

She must have though the same thing; her eyes dropped to the floor and she turned away from him, defeated with overbearing emotions. When she took a step, his hand caught her arm.

It happened so quickly that I could barely register it. She grabbed his hand, ripping it forcefully and holding it between them. Her tears were streaming freely now, but her face twisted back into the heat of anger that I had seen before.

Her voice was steady and low when she looked back up towards the captain to speak, her voice dripping with venom. “Touch me, or talk like that to me ever again, and I will kill you. You do not want to see what the last man who did that to me looked like after I was finished with him.”

Steve wavered, brows twisting together. I had never seen that man fold so quickly. 

She let go of his hand, and he let it fall back to his side. He kept his feet planted as she made her way across the room towards the stairwell, slamming the door behind her.

That’s my girl.

The thought hung with me for only a second before I was overwhelmed with the need to find where she had gone.