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English
Series:
Part 3 of Rock Love Song Boyfriends
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Published:
2022-03-26
Completed:
2022-03-26
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8,644
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2/2
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[S] He's Not You

Summary:

Another Bilroy muck-up/make-up... what is with these two boys?

Chapter 1: Moving On

Summary:

Sam tries to move on after Jase dumps him, but nobody else fits him like Jase.

Featuring a caring-but-mocking Denners, and a worried-and-out-of-his-depth Zaky

Chapter Text

It’s not the first time Jase has dumped Sam, because he ‘doesn’t want anything serious’ and Sam does. But Sam has decided that this time he’s moving on, not thinking about Jase, and definitely not going back to him. Sam’s too often let Jase back into his life, his bed, knowing that there’ll come a time when Jase backs off again, but he’s determined this time it will be different.

Although Sam goes out clubbing just a week after Jase dumped him, it is only dancing and light flirting, and he goes home alone. Partly because he is still hurting over Jase, and it’s too soon for him not to compare touches and kisses to the ones he shared with Jase, and certainly sex is off the table. Sam decides it’s time to look after himself, decide exactly what he wants from a relationship, what kind of character he’s looking to fall for. He’s less calm about his current inability to consider anyone who doesn’t look similar to Jase, but rationalises it as part of the Plan: Move On, in that it will take time for him to not automatically have Jase starring in his romantic dreams.

Over the next few months, Sam’s not playing for England so it’s easy to avoid Jase, to ignore his messages, let his calls ring out (no matter how much Sam thinks about it, he hasn’t managed yet to delete Jase’s number, or remove his contact details from Sam’s various social apps) and Jase seems to get the point, because he stops trying to get in contact with Sam after a while. Sam, despite his focus on moving on, is somewhat disappointed, deep inside he had hoped that Jase would maybe make more of an effort. But he knows that’s just him being sentimental and foolish, so he shrugs off the thought, and arranges a date (and more) with a nice blond lad called Adam, who he’d met at a nightclub. He knows their relationship is just a bit of fun for both of them, and won’t last long, since Adam had recently got out of his own long-term not-quite relationship, but he thinks it might just be what he needs to get Jase out of his head, to really start to move on.

 

*****

 

Jase is away playing with England when Kent face Surrey every match this season, home and away, and Sam’s selfishly glad (and also sure that the Cricket Gods are rooting for him right now). He’s tried so hard to move on, had a lot of fun with Adam, been on plenty of dates, but none of the boys he’s kissed so far can really drive Jase out of his head. He worries that the next time he sees Jase, he’ll fall for him all over again, will go back to letting Jase trample headlong over his heart.

He and Adam have had a couple of really good alcohol-fuelled bitching sessions over their respective exes, detailing all the things they’d done wrong, how annoying they were, why there is never ever going to be another chance for either of them. Plus several occasions when, again fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol and added ice-cream, they’d expressed their fears that Jase and Adam’s ex Paul might be ‘The One’, that they’d never find anyone like them again.
Both Adam and Sam still had their exes’ contact in their phones, so they’d shut them in a drawer for these sessions, knowing that if they let themselves, they would drunk dial, which would not be a good idea. Those nights usually wound up with them both in tears, cuddling in bed attempting to make themselves feel better. The last time they did this, they forgot to hide their phones away, but congratulate themselves in the morning, when Sam realises neither of them even thought about calling their exes.

 

*****

 

Slowly, they are helping each other to pick themselves up, put themselves back together. They wingman for each other at nightclubs, have codewords and security for coffee dates and ‘sleepovers’ with potential partners, still sleep with each other occasionally when they’re not on dates although they’re definitely friends now rather than romantically involved, let their hearts heal. They manage/force each other to avoid their exes’s social media, Sam tries not to look at ECB posts online, manages to avoid any with Jase in when he does see some, thinks he might just manage to move on successfully.

Adam finds himself a boyfriend, hugs Sam so hard when he tells him, promises to be there if Sam needs him. His new boyfriend, who’s built like the side of a barn, offers to beat Jase up if Sam ever asks, and Sam can’t help but laugh, knowing he’s made new friends for life with these two, whatever happens for him from now on.

They both wingman for him now, on nights out, and Sam find himself enjoying being single again, even though he would like what Adam’s found with Nick.

 

*****

 

It’s at the PCA Awards Night in September that Sam does next see Jase, and he nearly trips down the stairs, has to hang onto Denners’ arm to avoid knocking over Little Zaky in front of them (Sam has to hide a laugh every time he uses that nickname, it has to be the most ridiculous nickname possible for the 6’5 batsman!). Denners, who is quiet but sneakily all-knowing (seriously, he knows all the gossip, about everybody on the county circuit, and most of the international gossip too, Sam sometimes wonders if he’s got everyone’s phone bugged or something), just follows Sam’s gaze to where Jase is stood in a beautifully fitted grey suit by the Surrey table, and gives Sam a brief side-hug.

“Need me to baby-sit you tonight?” Denners’ tone is somehow both mocking and caring, as he manages quite often, and Sam just sighs. Tonight’s supposed to be all about the awards, a chance for all the players to let their hair down at the end of a busy season, and Sam would usually be one of the first at the bar, but clearly Jase is still Sam’s weakness, so he just leans into the hug and sighs again.
“Nah, I’ll stay sober tonight, much less risk, plus it’ll make me look good for the coaches if I help make sure everyone makes it home alive!”

They both laugh softly, heading to the table bearing the Kent horse, and Sam just squeezes Denners in thanks again when he pushes Sam to a seat with his back to the Surrey lads. Zaky falls into the chair next to Sam, and he’s literally falling, tripping over something or nothing, and sitting down almost as the alternative to hitting the floor, and Sam’s conscious awareness of Jase recedes somewhat in the laughter that follows. Zaky grew too tall too fast, and his constant clumsiness, still learning to use his limbs, endears him to the entire squad, along with his shyness but willingness to accept the mickey being fondly taken.

Zaky leans into Sam’s shoulder, offering comfort, when Surrey are announced as the winners for one category and Jase strides up to the stage looking as gorgeous under the lights as Sam has ever seen him. Sam can’t look, pretends to be taking a drink in order to cover the leap of his heart as Jase speaks, and he’s so so grateful when Zaky distracts him with a comment about Jimmy and Swanny teasing Broady at the Notts table, two over from them.

Most of the night Sam’s got either Denners or Zaky close by him, something of a shield (and he’s not sure if he’s pleased by their willingness to protect him, or sad because Jase doesn’t approach him once so the shield isn’t needed) and it’s fun, lots of laughter, and awards being handed out with cheering or boo-ing depending on county rivalries, and Sam actually enjoys himself, even though he’s drinking lemonade rather than beer or the as usual excellent selection of wines, and Jase is just over there, in his suit, looking oh so sexy. In previous years, when Sam had been drinking, he’d have inveigled Jase off to a private corner by now, or found an empty room for snogging or more, but this time he’s sticking to the plan, staying strong even though Jase ignoring him, not even looking at him, hurts.

 

By the end of the night, Sam’s classing it as a win overall, despite his initial reaction to seeing Jase. He hasn’t spoken to Jase, hasn’t looked at him very much, and because he’s still sober he gets praised by the coaches for helping to pour everyone else into the waiting taxis. They’re staying at a London hotel because they don’t leave the event till gone 3am, despite how close Kent is to London, and as Sam helps a few of the boys to their rooms, making sure glasses of water, aspirin and waste-paper bins are beside beds, he feels proud of how strong he’s been.

Finally getting to his own room, Sam avoids his phone, not wanting to see the images from the night that are no doubt all over everyone’s social media, knowing he wouldn’t be able to avoid any with Jase in. He’s both hoping for and dreading the possibility of Jase getting in touch with him. He puts his phone on charge, leaves it face down on the bedside table, silenced and off vibrate, falls into the bed and forces himself to think of anything but Jase. Luckily he’s so tired he falls straight asleep, and doesn’t remember his dreams when he wakes to his alarm.

 

*****

 

In the rush to get everyone out of bed, washed and changed, making sure nobody’s going to be sick, and everyone and their bags are back on the coach down to Kent, Sam forgets that his phone is silenced and only remembers as they merge onto the M25. Fishing it out of his pocket, the first thing he notices is a message from Jase, and he curses quietly. Zak, still semi-asleep and slumped against the window next to Sam, turns his head to glance at Sam who looks like he’s about to throw his phone down the bus. Sam looks as grumpy as Zak has ever seen him, and Zak wishes, not for the first time, that he knew what to do to help when the older lads are obviously out of sorts. Remembering the way Sam had pressed back against him in thanks when he offered comfort the previous night, Zak leans against Sam’s arm and lifts the phone out of his hand.

“Do you want to know what he’s said, or just delete it?” Zak hovers his finger over the unopened message, prepared to do whatever will help Sam.

Sam sighs, gustily, all of his good mood gone, and tucks himself under Zaky’s arm. Zaky may only be a baby, but he’s got a good head on his shoulders (on and off the cricket field) and Sam doesn’t feel quite so afraid of Jase’s message now, though he’s still not sure he wants to read it. His phone flashes again, and Zak checks it.

“A message from Jade?” Zak sounds a little confused and Sam half-smiles. Jade may have been Jase’s friend, but he always had time for Sam when Jase was being a dick. Sam suspects that’s why he’s hearing from Jade now, whatever Jase put in his message or was saying after last night must have been bad.

“Right,” Sam straightens slightly, staying tucked under Zaky’s arm but taking his phone back. “Let’s see what Jade says, then I can decide whether I want to read Jase’s message or not.”

From: Jade: Mate, you looked sharp last night! 👍 Congrats on the awards too, well deserved! Don’t want to bring your mood down, but Jase couldn’t take his eyes off you, thought you looked so good cos you’d found another boyf, think he’ll probably do something stupid. If you need him to back off, lmk, I’ll see what I can do xxx

 

Sam’s sighing again, he realises, he thinks he’s sighed more in the last 24 hours than he has in weeks! He accepts Jade’s message as truth, knowing Jade would know best about what mood Jase was in last night. He really doesn’t want to see what Jase had put in his message, thought about deleting it unread but knew that would most likely only bring nastier messages, Jase could be really bitchy sometimes, however he definitely didn’t want Zak to read the sort of poison that Jase had likely spewed if he truly thought Sam had a new boyfriend.

Sending simply a thumbs-up emoji back to Jade, a ‘message received, no further action needed at present’ signal, Sam blanks his phone screen and snuggles back into Zak.

“Don’t worry about it, Zak, I’ll sort it later! Just, cuddles till we get home, yeah?” Zak isn’t stupid, knows Sam will fret about this the rest of the journey, but doesn’t know what to do other than cuddle him as requested.

 

Sam does indeed fret all the way back to the training ground where they’d all left their cars the morning before, he knows he needs to read Jase’s message, but wants someone with him. As they queue up to get their bags out of the coach, he sees out of the corner of his eye Zak talking frantically to Denners, and smiles helplessly. Of course Zak would still worry, would find Denners and ask him to help, in lieu of being able to help himself. Sam dawdles in the car park waiting for one of them to speak to him, fits his bag slowly into the boot of his car, shuffles around some of the rubbish that’s in there, thinks for the umpteenth time that he really ought to clean it out. As he shuts the boot, he hears Denners call out to him as he jogs over from stowing his own stuff in his car. Sam rolls his eyes at his reflection in the rear window of his car, then smiles reluctantly as Denners throws an arm over his shoulders.

“Fancy a coffee, Bilbo, bolster your courage?” Denners’s mocking tone is in full force again, and he cackles when Sam elbows him, hanging off Sam as they walk towards the gate. Sam waves at Mike the gatekeeper, knowing that he’ll keep an eye on their cars till they get back.

 

They head by mutual consent towards the little cafe a couple of streets over, the one with the overflowing Full English Breakfast plates that everyone assumes the coaches don’t know about (Denners swears the coaches are in there all the time though, but Sam’s not sure whether he believes him). Denners regales Sam with some of the gossip he’s picked up the night before as they walk, not bothered that Sam’s only half-listening, because he knows Sam is worrying again about what might be in Jase’s message, still not sure if he wants to read it, especially given he knows he’s still in love with Jase.

Sam sits at the small table by the window when they arrive, letting Denners go and flirt with the waitress order coffees. He unlocks and locks his phone as he waits, fidgeting in time with his mind whirling. He’s so deep in his thoughts that Denners has time to bring not only the coffees but also a slice of chocolate cake each, and is halfway through his slice before Sam notices. Sam rolls his eyes at Denners’ laughing at him, and adds lots of sugar to his coffee. He needs as much sweetness as possible, he thinks, as Denners makes grabby hands at Sam’s phone. Sam turns the phone over in his hand, debating whether it is actually a good idea to let Denners have access, before reluctantly handing it across the table.

Denners obviously takes pity on Sam’s nerves, because he checks Jade’s message first, then goes through the other messages Sam had, shows Sam the photos that had been posted on the various media and social sites. They laugh together at the states some of the players had got themselves into, send abuse to friends at other counties over outfits and award acceptances, and Sam’s managed, just about, to centre himself by the time Denners looks seriously at him.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Sam? You could just ignore it, leave him hanging, just delete it. I know he looked good last night, but you can find someone a lot better! He’s been such a dick at times, you really don’t need to put up with that, you know that.” Denners has been there for most of Sam and Jase’s break- and make-ups, consoled Sam in his mocking yet caring way so many times, and he’s not sure Sam could survive much more. Sam’s a lot more sensitive than his happy-go-lucky face generally shows, he really wants a strong and stable relationship that will last for the rest of his life, and Denners just isn’t sure Jase can be that for him.

Sam sighs, looks down at his plate for a moment. He knows that he’ll never be over Jase, last night proved that to him, and he thinks that maybe this message might just break his heart forever. But he needs to know, he thinks, needs to find out once and for all so he can move on with his life alone if Jase doesn’t want him.

“Yeah,” Sam nods finally, looking up to meet Denners’ eyes. “Yeah, Joe, I need to do this.”

Denners nods firmly, pressing on Sam’s phone screen to bring up the message, although he doesn’t look at it, holding Sam’s eyes with his own, willing strength into the younger man.

“Do you want to read it, or shall I?” Denners offers. “Or we can read it together?” And he’s twisting his upper body across the small table without question when Sam nods in response to the last option, phone angled so they can both see it.

 

From: Jase: Been working out 💪 trying to impress yr new bf? didn’t take you long to move on, then? Seen you with all the guys, fucking saw you with that blond fucker that had his hands all over you all the time, and that asshole in the club who had tattoos just like mine, like some cheap knockoff whore you paid for a night because you wanted a reminder of how well I always fucked you. then you come in here parading around like a fucking slut, dolled up in a tight suit as if you wanted someone to debauch you in the bathrooms and pull your hair and shove you against every surface like i used to do to you. so how did they do you? Bet you were thinking about me every single time they made you beg for it, knowing that i always did it better? fuck you sam, fuck you. Should never have wasted my time on you, always knew you’d be off with other people all the time!

 

Sam has to swallow painfully, blink hard to stop tears coming, he’s very glad he managed to avoid Jase last night if this is how he’s reacting. It hurts, a lot more than Sam was expecting it to, even knowing that Jase can be very nasty when he wants to be.
He’s not surprised by the accusations in the message, Jase has always been bitchy about seeing other guys on Sam’s insta before, though it’s somehow less venomous than he was expecting despite the name-calling. Jase sounds like Sam’s actually hurt him by moving on, even though Jase never wanted a proper relationship, was the one who ended it, supposedly for good this time. Sam’s not sure what to think about this, Jase has always said he wasn’t interested in a boyfriend, in anything more than causal sex with men, with Sam, but this sounds like he did want a proper relationship with Sam, like Sam’s betrayed him somehow, by listening to what Jase has been saying from the start.

Sam’s not sure how to react, what to do. He doesn’t want to respond, because he’ll be defensive, feel in the wrong even though he’s not, he knows he can’t match Jase’s venom, he’s never been able to be anything but nice, but he’s not sure he can ignore it. Staring at the message till the screen goes black, he barely notices Denners taking their cups back to the counter, is kind of numb as Denners puts a gentle hand under his elbow to walk him back to their cars. He can’t focus on anything, can barely see where he’s walking, and he doesn’t argue when Denners takes his car keys and pushes him into the passenger seat.

Sam zones out as Denners drives, mind whirling so fast he’s not sure he’s even managing any coherent thought, with no idea of where to go, how to feel about this. Denners has to practically lift him out of the car when they arrive at his house, guides him in and straight to the sofa. A cup of tea is pushed into his hands, very quickly, and a blanket draped around his shoulders, before he lets the first tear trickle slowly down his face. He’s tipped sideways by a strong arm around his back, leant into Denners’ shoulder, and the floods come before he realises.

 

*****

 

When Sam wakes up, his nose is blocked, and his eyes are puffy and stinging. He can hear Denners indistinctly ranting in the kitchen, and another voice responding, but the arms around him are warm and comforting, and Sam doesn’t want to face the world yet. The window is dark, when he chances glancing up slightly before burying his face back into the muscled chest he’s leaning on, and he can hear water running somewhere upstairs.

Soft footsteps from the doorway herald more arms clinging tight around him in comfort, and he huffs in unwilling amusement when he recognises Adam’s new tattoo. Of course Denners has roped Adam and Nick in, which means it’s probably Zaky Sam’s cuddling, the chest isn’t muscled enough for Nick. Sam’s not sure if he feels happy they’re all here to help, or ashamed because he’s a grown man not a teenage girl with her first school crush, he should not need this level of support. Zak and Adam obviously sense the way his thoughts have turned, because their arms turn soothing before Adam tells him very bluntly not to be stupid.

Zak prods him slowly upright, and Adam guides him upstairs into a steaming hot bubble bath, perching on the closed toilet as Sam soaks and trying to distract Sam by chattering about the little country pub he and Nick had found last week, with an adorable pub cat.

 

*****

 

Sam doesn’t respond to Jase’s message, though he doesn’t delete it. He gives himself a week to wallow, staying on the sofa watching crappy films and eating too much takeaway, with Adam and Nick, and Zak, and Denners, all seemingly taking shifts to look after him. He’s both grateful for the care, and slightly ashamed of needing it, tries apologising to Stacy one day for keeping Denners away from her and the kids. She threatens to slap him, says she’d expect him to do exactly the same, be there for Joe as Joe is for him, if she and Joe ever broke up.

 

Then he pulls himself together again, starts going back to the gym, and cooking healthier food even though it’s the off season. Although he does keep going out with Adam and Nick again, it’s less late nights clubbing and drunken dancing with random men, and more quiet country pubs, home-cooked dinners for the boys, days in the park with the Denly family, and coffee dates, and Sam think he prefers these quieter days. Zak and Denners are getting on well with Adam and Nick (Sam is carefully ignoring that Denners and Nick seem to be bonding over how much they dislike Jase, every time Sam goes quiet because something reminds him of the way things were once) and Sam suddenly realises it’s been almost three months when Zak points out one day that the Christmas lights are being strung up along Rye high street.

Jase hasn’t tried to get in contact since the message Sam ignored, and Sam’s not sure how he feels about that. He’s still posting stories of what he’s up to on his insta, doesn’t know if Jase is looking at them or not, but he tries his best not to care. Jase has obviously made his choice, and Sam respects that, he’s concentrating on himself now.

Time moves steadily on for Sam, gym sessions and friends, Adam and Nick move in together into a delightful little cottage near the coast and host their first dinner party of many, and he thinks he might manage to be content with this being his life in time, even though he’s still alone at night.

He and Zak compete against each other in the nets occasionally, mucking about, and pushing each other to improve their batting shots, and soon enough it’s the start of pre-season training. Sam’s complimented on his increased definition and strength by the coaches, and he’s really enjoying the power in his batting now.

 

*****

 

It’s the first practice match in pre-season, Kent 1st XI against the 2nds, and Sam hits a rapid and powerful 75 before a ball spins sharply off the pitch and catches him in the jaw. It’s not even a particularly fast ball, but Sam’s flat on his back on the pitch before he realises he’s been hit, and the physio is looking worried. Sam is helped off the pitch, the concussion test goes okay but the physio insists he gets an x-ray, and Sam’s a little shaken up so he doesn’t argue. He’s still a bit woozy as they walk out to Dan’s car, and gratefully leaves all the hospital sign-in details to him when they arrive.

The x-ray goes without a hitch although the wait time’s quite long, and Sam’s tired but relieved when the doctor tells him that there’s no bone damage, just heavy bruising and that he’ll need to rest for the week before he’s allowed back at training again. Dan collects the filled prescription for painkillers, and drives Sam back to his flat. Stacy is waiting for them, Denners had obviously contacted her to help get Sam settled, and Sam can’t help the tears that spring to his eyes as she makes him a cup of tea and tells him she’s put some home-cooked meals in the fridge and freezer for him. He has the best friends ever, he thinks, as Adam pulls up in Sam’s car, collected from the training ground, with Nick right behind him, prepared to stay with him till he’s back to his best again.

Chapter 2: Mistakes and Making Up

Summary:

Jase thinks he wants one thing... but really that's the last thing he wants

Can he fix what's gone wrong between him and Bilbo?

Featuring a very-done-with-Jase's-inability-to-admit-feelings Jade

Chapter Text

Jase doesn’t think much about the way Sam reacts this time when he decides he can’t cope with Sam wanting to be more than casual again, a deep sigh, slumped shoulders and leaving the coffee shop without arguing.

He knows Sam knows he’s not interested in men like that, like a relationship, it’s just casual sex for him. It’s not that he doesn’t like Sam, he’s a great mate, and the sex was fun, Jase just doesn’t want to have a relationship with a bloke. He expects the first brief silence from Sam, but not the way it continues, despite Jase’s calls and messages.

 

He goes back to casual relationships with some of the women he meets on nights out, ignores Jade’s unimpressed looks at Jase’s complaints that Sam’s ignoring all his attempts to contact him, ignores too Jade’s murmurings that Jase clearly loves Sam, that he just needs to pull his head out of his arse for once and actually tell him.

Despite claiming loudly that it’s all over full stop, Jase can’t stop himself constantly checking Sam’s social media sites, it seems like Sam’s gone out straight away, moving on to other men, like he’d just been waiting for Jase to get out of the picture. Jase is furious, can’t believe Sam’s moved on that quickly, spends so much time bitching to Jade about the different men Sam’s pictured with at nightclubs, especially the young blond who’s looking very cosy with Sam, in almost every story starting three days after Jase gave up trying to stay friends with Sam.

Jade initially tries pointing out that Sam had never hidden his desire for a proper relationship, that Jase always knew Sam wanted more, and if Jase can’t give him that, of course Sam’s going to look elsewhere. Jase isn’t interested in what he sees as excuses though, and Jade just gives up, nodding and hmming along to Jase’s rants, swapping put-upon eye-rolls with some of the other lads who get subjected to some of the ranting.

 

Thankfully, Jase is called up for England, and the intense training and playing takes his mind away from Sam somewhat. Nobody mentions Sam while on tour, and Jase isn’t sure how to feel about that. Especially since he knows that several of them knew about him and Sam, why wouldn’t they say something? What’s Sam been saying, after this break-up, what had he said after previous ones? There are a couple of times when the conversations go quiet as Jase appears, glances thrown between some of the players, several times it looks like Morgs or Jonny is going to speak to him, but the expressions on his face must put them off. Jase is sort of glad about that, he’s not sure how he’s feeling, doesn’t know how he’d try to explain to anyone.

Luckily Jase’s always been one of the quieter ones on the team, so there’s not much reaction when he goes subdued at the continued silence from Sam despite Jase’s match-winning innings in a couple of the matches, something that Sam would usually comment on almost as soon as it happens, and it’s blatantly apparent that the friendship is over. Nobody says anything to him, but the glances increase when Jase starts opting out of team dinners and film nights, and all the rest of the stuff that goes on on tour.

 

Jase is especially grumpy and bitchy regarding the Surrey matches against Kent, but he tells himself it’s just because he wants the club to finish top of the table this year whether he’s playing for England or not, not because the sight of Sam’s name on the scorecard sends a painful throb through his heart every time he sees it. The fact that Sam top-scores a couple of times, helping Kent to three victories over Surrey in the Championship and One-Day series, Jase just ignores that, glaring instead at the stories Sam puts up of the celebrations, of nights out under strobe lights, of coffee dates like they used to go on with men who don’t look at all like Jase (except for that one bloke, in the nightclub, with tattoos like Jase’s over his arms and Sam smiling, tucked tight against him).

He doesn’t miss Sam’s flirting, doesn’t want him back in his bed, he tells himself, stalking through Sam’s insta for the third time in a night, slumped on his hotel bed with a scowl on his face, he just misses the banter, the way they would mock each other over runs scored and catches taken.

 

If his particularly good scores for England always come after Sam’s posted a story featuring a new man, Jase is ignoring Jade’s pointed comments about it, and the possibility that he’s hoping Sam is paying attention, that he’s trying to impress Sam, to persuade Sam to get back in touch.

He’s also ignoring Jade’s increasingly loud hints that it’s clear he does love Sam, that he should make an effort to let Sam know that he regrets breaking up with him, because to Jase it’s clear that Sam obviously didn’t want Jase anyway, judging by the way Sam looks like he’s enjoying life much more without Jase around.

 

*****

 

It’s time for the PCA Awards Dinner, and Jase takes extra care with the way he’s dressed, a new suit emphasising the muscles he’s put on over the season, he hasn’t missed the way Sam appeared to have improved his physique over the season in all the gym photos he’s posted but despite Jade’s best efforts to make Jase be honest, Jase is adamant he’s not trying to win Sam back. He doesn’t care, he insists, he just wants to look his best because Surrey have won the season, and England won back a couple of trophies during their tours this year

 

He’s standing at the Surrey table, chatting with some of the lads when Sam appears at the top of the stairs, and his mouth goes dry. Sam’s in the best fitting suit Jase has ever seen, a slate blue that highlights his eyes, he looks drop-dead gorgeous, all that training and gym work paid off, he’s got the best biceps straining slightly at his sleeves Jase thinks he’s ever seen, maybe even better than Buttler’s, and Jase’s ready to charge over and drag him off somewhere secluded, convince Sam to take him back, until he realises Sam’s laughing and linking arms with Joe Denly, hasn’t noticed Jase staring at him at all.

Even from here, Jase can see a sparkle of life in Sam’s eyes that hadn’t been there the last few times he’s been with Jase, and he’s struck anew by the feeling that he’s lost his chance with Sam, that this is the way it’s going to be from now on. Having to watch from the sidelines as Sam and his new boyfriend (whoever he is, Jase doesn’t care, whoever it is isn’t right for Sam, he doesn’t deserve Sam’s sunshiny smile, the way Sam cuddles on the sofa watching films, except Sam does deserve that, but he doesn’t want that with Jase, obviously, he’s made that clear) settle into life together, seeing them in a place they’ve bought together, with dogs they’ve chosen together (because Sam had always talked about the dogs he would get), Jase can imagine it all, and he is seeing red.

 

He storms off to the bar, jaw set tight against the need to either shout abuse at Sam or just snog him breathless in the middle of the room, in front of all the cameras. Sam’s not paying attention to him at all, and Jase doesn’t know what to do. He thinks that maybe, if he could speak to Sam, he might be able to get a friendship back, but he’s not sure what to say, knows that his track record of ‘friendship’ with Sam is not great, and he doesn’t know if he could stand to be around Sam, knowing that Sam has moved on and doesn’t want him.

Jade appears by his shoulder, steals his phone, manages to convince him that tonight is not the best time to speak to Sam, tries distracting him with mocking comments about other teams and players and by the time Surrey are announced as winners, Jase is calmer (on the surface, at least). His voice stutters badly, though, when he realises Sam is not paying attention, laughing quietly with one of the Kent batsmen at something happening at another table, and his heart clenches again.

 

Sam doesn’t look at Jase once during the entire night, content it seems to laugh with Denly and the tall young strawberry blond batsman, and Jase doesn’t know what to do. In previous years, they’d have caught each other’s eyes, met at the bar and snuck off somewhere to spoil their suits, but Sam’s not been up to the bar once tonight, looks like he’s drinking soft drinks tonight, and Jase thinks viciously that his boyfriend is probably waiting back at the hotel, waiting for Sam to get back so they can make sweet romantic love all night. The certainty that Sam’s moved on, is looking so good for someone else, that Jase will never have, probably never had, a chance with Sam inflames Jase’s rage (not helped by the amount of drinks he sinks) and by the time the Surrey boys head for the coach to get dropped back at their various houses, he’s properly seething.

 

Jade’s the only one brave enough to sit next to him (Jade suspects what’s about to happen, he’s not going to subject anyone else to Jase’s temper), and when Jase demands through gritted teeth that Jade give him back his phone, it’s handed over without question.

Jase may be steaming drunk but he is aware enough that if he calls Sam he’ll wind up crying, bawling like a baby and begging Sam for anything the keeper can spare, won’t be able to stop himself even in the middle of a coach full of players who’ll roast him for the rest of his life, so he opens a message.

 

Jade busies himself on his own phone while Jase stabs at the keys, bitterness and agony searing through him. Sending it off with a final vicious growl, Jase slumps back into the seat, unable to stop his mind wandering back to the images of Sam that seem to be burnt into his mind. Jade gets off the coach with him when they arrive on Jase’s street, despite not living that close, yet Jase is grateful that he’s not alone right now, even if Jade is radiating ‘you’re a complete twat’ from every pore he doesn’t say anything, just makes sure Jase gets inside his door before calling an Uber.

 

*****

 

There’s no response from Sam the next morning, or for the entirety of that week, and Jase can’t help but feel completely heartbroken. He throws himself into extra gym work, stops going out, drops all the girls he’d been seeing, they’re not Sam, could never come close, and it just hurts too much to go on dates when he’s picturing Sam doing the same with his new boyfriend.

He starts jogging, runs miles every day trying to avoid the mess in his head, and the few times Jade runs with him he calls it ‘punishment’, pushes Jase to “at least try messaging Sam, if you apologise properly you might get a response, you’re miserable without him Jase, why do you do this to yourself?”. Jase ignores him, and Jade drops the topic, though Jase can feel the judgement seeping out of Jade every time they do run together.

 

He manages to avoid Sam’s social media as time goes on and there’s still no response from Sam, wonders bitterly if Sam even notices, whether Sam’s glad Jase isn’t there any more, and if he cries himself to sleep more than a few times, there’s nobody to see it. Christmas comes, and then New Year’s, and Jase forces himself not to send Sam any messages, ignores all the items he sees in the shop that Sam would like, tortures himself with imagining the décor Sam’s new boyfriend is probably decorating their flat with, the parties they’re most likely throwing for their friends as a couple. He’s even stopped drinking, he realises at the beginning of March, as he ignores Jade’s pitying face when he turns down another invite after training when pre-season starts again.

Jade tries again to persuade Jase to just speak to Sam, but Jase is determined that if Sam’s moved on, then he is not going to ruin Sam’s happiness. Jade’s frown when Jase first says that seems to suggest Jase is wrong, but Jase can’t bear thinking about how he ruined the best thing in his life by pushing Sam away if he can avoid it, so he changes the subject very quickly every time Jade brings it up, doesn’t let Jade get a word in if possible, even walks away a few times mid-conversation, till Jade tells him yet again he’s being a twat but stops mentioning Sam.

 

*****

 

It’s the first week of April when Jase’s phone gives him the shock of his life. It’s a briskly crisp day, and he and Jade are leaving the nets after a mid-afternoon informal batting session, Jase knows by the look on Jade’s face that he’s about to launch into another round of “Jase, your head is so far up your own arse it’s a wonder you can move, just message him, you can’t be this miserable for the rest of your life when one message could change it, do I need to lock you both in a cupboard so you will actually talk to each other?”, and Jase is too tired, too heartsick, to try dodging this conversation yet again. But there’s a beep from his phone lying on top of his coffin, and as Jase stoops to pick it up, his hand freezes momentarily.

 

Sam’s name is flashing up, a message from him when Jase thought he’d never hear from him again, had resigned himself to that feeling, and Jase considers deleting it unread for a moment, before he sighs deeply. Even knowing that Sam has moved on, Jase is never going to be able to ignore him. Jase can’t stop his heart feeling like it’s going to leap out of his chest, it’s the first contact he’s had from Sam since they broke up nearly a year ago, he can’t think why Sam would be trying to contact him, and Jase’s breathing is getting quicker, his hand is shaking when he does gingerly lift the phone up.

Jase has stopped in his tracks, hasn’t opened the message yet, doesn’t know if he can, should, and Jade, pausing three paces further on, asks what’s wrong. Jase doesn’t know how to answer, just pushes his phone at Jade, hoping he’ll know what Jase needs to do.

 

*****

 

Jade glances at Jase, who’s looking lost, and hopes that whatever this is can get Jase out of the depressed and flat bubble he’s been in since the Awards Dinner. Jade mentally crosses his fingers, before looking down at Jase’s phone. The message makes Jade gasp, and he hurriedly reads it out to Jase, who’s face goes white as he listens.

 

From: Sam: Sam’s been hurt, he needs you. Get to his place, now! And if you ever break his heart again, we’ll kill you. Denly

 

Jase’s mind goes completely blank as Jade starts reading out the message. After the first few words he doesn’t hear any more, shaken to the core and unable to think of anything but Sam. He can’t seem to make any movement, nothing is making sense to him at all, those three words Sam’s been hurt ringing in his ears.

Jase is frozen to the spot, it’s like he can’t hear Jade’s voice, and Jade has to tug on his arm to get him moving. They’re stumbling towards the car park, Jade just about has time to ask one of the ground staff to take their stuff into the dressing rooms please, it’s an emergency, because Jase has shut down completely, Jade’s not sure if he’s even breathing. Jade’s pushing, dragging him to his own car because there’s no way Jade’s letting Jase go on his own looking like this.

 

They drive as fast as Jade dares, down to Sam’s place, using the directions still in Jase’s phone. Jase doesn’t speak a word on the journey, hands clenched so hard in his lap that his knuckles are stark white and so tense they might break through his skin. Jade tries a couple of times to say that Sam couldn’t be that badly hurt if he was back at home already, but nothing seems to penetrate Jase’s panic, and Jade gives up, lets the silence take over.

Jade takes the corner into Sam’s street too quickly, brakes squealing as he pulls up where Joe Denly and another lad are standing with folded arms. Jase doesn’t even seem aware that they’ve arrived, he’s got a thousand-yard stare through the windscreen, and Jade has to shake him hard to get him moving.

 

Joe Denly steps forwards, blocking the path as Jade pushes Jase forwards. The glare on his face, matched by the huge bloke stood behind him, freezes Jade’s blood though it’s aimed at Jase alone, but Jase doesn’t seem to notice, fists clenched tightly still. Denly reiterates his threat from the text message, tersely, then stepped to one side to let Jase past. The man mountain shifts slightly, leaving a gap that’s not quite big enough for Jase, obviously not keen on letting Jase see Sam, but he must see something in Jase’s face as they stare at each other because he then steps back completely, letting Jase almost run through the door.

 

*****

 

Jase has spent the entire journey praying that Sam is alright, that he does want Jase around. He’s not sure why anyone would have told him that Sam needs him, surely Sam’s new boyfriend is the one Sam wants, but Jase needs to see Sam anyway, needs to calm the panic that’s racing through his veins. He distantly hears Jade saying something, but there’s a buzzing in his ears and no words are getting through, Jase is too worried about Sam. Jase has known since the Awards Dinner that he was in love with Sam, he probably had been well before that, but he’s only consciously known since then. He’s just about managed to convince himself now, six months on, that Sam had moved on, that he didn’t even want to be friends with Jase any more, but now he doesn’t know what to think. He sent that awful message, that Sam didn’t respond to, of course he didn’t, Jase was so nasty to him, Jade was right, Jade is always right, Jase should have apologised, should have done something, tried speaking to Sam earlier. But if Sam doesn’t want him around, and Jase can see why he wouldn’t, why this message now?

 

It’s not till Jade is shaking him harshly, that Jase realises they’ve reached Sam’s, and it takes him a few minutes to get his hands and legs working well enough to get himself out of the car. Joe Denly and another man are stood outside Sam’s door, and Denly’s glaring at him and speaking but Jase can’t register anything that’s said to him, just Denly stepping to one side.

The hugely muscled man behind Denly doesn’t step aside at first, a fierce look aimed at Jase, but Jase can’t get his mouth to work, can’t even think of anything to say, and just hopes this man can see the panic and worry in his eyes. He seems to, because the glare softens slightly, and he steps aside to let Jase walk through the door.

Jase stumbles slightly, as he hurries into the hallway, desperate to see Sam but scared of what might happen, worried that Sam does have his boyfriend there and won’t want to see Jase. Just inside the doorway of the living room is the young strawberry blond batsman Sam was so close to at the Awards dinner, he looks a little worried by Jase’s arrival, by the whole situation, but Denly calls from outside and he sidles past Jase.

 

Sam is lying on the sofa, Jase can see his legs, with another blond leaning over him, and Jase recognises him from Sam’s insta stories. Is this the boyfriend, then? Jase feels his heart clench again, has to gasp to draw in air. He’s hanging onto the door jamb with one hand, unable to make himself move.

He wants to see Sam, to see with his own eyes that Sam’s okay, doesn’t want to see Sam looking in love with someone else, or disgusted that Jase has arrived. Part of Jase is screaming that he needs to leave, to run away, protect himself from Sam being happy with someone else, but Sam’s been hurt, he needs to see him, needs to make sure that everything’s fine.

 

“Babe,” a deep voice says from behind Jase, and he nearly falls over. “Come on, Sam’ll be alright now, he knows where we are if he needs us. And they need to talk.” There’s a tone, stressing the word they, and Jase isn’t sure what to think.

 

It’s the huge man from outside speaking, and he holds out a hand past Jase as the blond straightens and turns away from the sofa. He’s still blocking Jase’s view, and he’s looking very threatening, despite being slender and soft-looking. Jase gulps for air again as the blond walks closer, he’s not sure what’s going on at the moment, and the blond seems to realise that, just stepping round him and taking the outstretched hand, and Jase dimly hears the front door close, and voices fading away outside.

 

*****

 

Jase has both hands gripping the door jamb now, he’s not sure he’s even breathing, can’t make his legs work at all, and he can’t take his eyes off Sam, who’s got his eyes shut, one hand clutching an ice pack to his jaw. And even with a clear injury, Sam’s so gorgeous, how did Jase, why did Jase screw this up? What can he possibly do, to make it better between them?

Sam’s eyes open slowly, and he’s looking straight at Jase. A beaming smile appears on his face, before he winces slightly, and Jase is shooting across the room without realising, falling to his knees beside the sofa, one hand reaching for Sam’s free hand, he can’t not touch Sam, after all this time all he wants to do is hold Sam so tightly but does Sam even want that?

 

“Jase, you came.” Sam winces with every movement of his mouth, and Jase can only stare at him, at the purpling bruise revealed as Sam moves the ice pack slightly. There are tears in his eyes, he realises, a lump in his throat but a smile stretching his lips, and Sam’s clutching just as desperately at him, his voice full of love as he pulls Jase closer.

“I’m sorry, I love you, so much, I’m sorry if you don’t want that...”

Jase has to interrupt, Sam sounds like he’s in pain from his injury with every word and it hurts Jase, and Jase doesn’t want to hear Sam’s apologies, Sam is not to blame, Jase is the one at fault in all this, he always has been, he’s the one who needs to apologise for everything he’s put Sam through.

“No, Sam, shush love, I’m the one who’s sorry, I should never have broken it off with you, I love you so much, I just didn’t know, I’m sorry, I thought you had found somebody else, that’s why I sent that message, I’m so so sorry, I was so jealous, because you looked so gorgeous, and I love you Sam, it hurt so much because I thought you’d moved on, I’m so sorry, I love you.”

 

Jase is distantly aware that he’s babbling, tears falling down both their faces now as he clings to Sam. But Sam’s arm is tight across his back, his face is buried in Jase’s shoulder, and it’s only now that Jase realises why none of his other relationships ever worked, because it’s always been Sam, he has always loved Sam, from the first time he ever saw Sam. And this is where he belongs, he’s got so much to make up for, but he’s here, he’s with Sam, Sam still loves him, it’s glorious, he’s never going to stop telling Sam how much he loves him, and if he’s being honest, he could stay here for the rest of his life, with Sam, on the sofa, and it would be perfect.

 

 

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