Chapter Text
“—that’s what it’s gonna make, bacon pancaaaaaaa— Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
“What?” some random background character lets out. Obito’s expression twists into one of exasperation.
“You’d think this would happen to the main character or something, but noooo , apparently the universe has it out for me specifically.”
“Uh—”
“No, no, you’re right. Maybe it actually likes me, and has a piss poor way of showing favoritism. I, for one, would like a refund on this whole thing.”
“You—”
“But really, what are the odds that this happens not one, not two, not— actually I’ve lost count. And I think that’s the main problem here.”
“What are you talking about?!”
Obito blinks, then looks at the blue-eyed blond that stands on the ground below him.
“Transmigration. Obviously.”
“ What .”
Obito waves his hand flippantly. “Fuck if I know. I’m half-convinced that the Sage has fucked off and decided to play the Sims on automatic mode, or whatever it’s called. Maybe he gets a kick out of this.”
Poor Kakashi, he notices, looks so lost.
“I really have nothing against you,” he tells the silver-haired man apologetically. “The other guy did, though. Much like… basically any other Uchiha, he has a serious complex. Unfortunately, his just happens to be that he’s a bit of an incel.”
Naruto gapes at him.
“Okay, maybe that’s too harsh. But come on , you’d think the guy would stop once and try to think clearly. Oh, but maybe—” he pauses. “Hm. Hmm . Say, does anyone happen to know where the plant man is?”
“Plant man?” Naruto echoes, then yelps when Sakura elbows him in the side.
Obito has no idea what timeline he’s in right now. Were Sakura, Kakashi, Naruto, and like, everyone else ever in the same place like this and all still alive ? He doesn’t think so. But he’s never actually gotten that far in the anime or manga.
Perhaps this is the universe taking pity on him. Or the laziness of a writer who doesn’t want to spoil themselves before they manage to actually get through the whole arc.
But he digresses.
“...Yes,” he says eventually. “Yay high, sometimes cosplays as a venus fly trap, probably one of the ugliest motherfuckers you’ll ever see?”
“ Zetsu? ”
“That’s the bitch!” Obito agrees, snapping his fingers. “You should really kill that guy if you see him. Both versions of him, I mean, but especially the sludgy one. He wants to pull a Gru and steal the moon, except the moon also happens to be his mother. Weird shit.”
Everyone in the near vicinity gapes at him. Their loss if they weren’t listening, he decides. He gave them all an incredibly fair warning.
“...Alright then, have a good one!”
“Where are you going ?!” Naruto blurts out.
Obito pauses. “Literally… anywhere else except here. But…” He sighs. “Okay, fine. I’ll stick around close enough that you can call me if you need. Just flash the Bat Signal or whatever. And by that, I mean scream my name as loud as you can and I’ll try to make sure you aren’t brutally murdered. Got that?” He glances over the blank looks of the crowd and smiles. “Great. Ja ne!”
And before anyone else can say a word, he pulls off his signature disappearing trick and laughs.