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Chapter Text

Harry sat up out of bed quickly, green light still flashing across his vision. He pushed the image of Cedric’s face out of his mind and he stumbled over to his closet where he dug out a backpack. He rummaged around sloppily until his hand found the small bottle he was looking for. 

He quickly smashed up one little pill from the bottle and within seconds had the powder up his nose. It was only then that he could breathe a sigh of relief as his mind slowed down. He groggily put his things back into the backpack and then fell onto the bed to enjoy his high. 

Harry didn’t get high like this every night, most of the time he would just take a pill or two, or three or four, throughout the day. It was only on the bad nights that he needed the high so fast that he had to snort it. Though lately, that was more often than not. 

It hadn’t started out this way. First it started with the group of kids at the park who smoked weed and drank when it got dark. It was an escape from what had happened at the end of the fourth year, and the terror and guilt that had filled Harry ever since. He hated sitting around at Privet Drive, with nothing but his memories filling his mind. The alcohol and the weed muted his memories. 

Soon, it wasn’t enough anymore. His friend had given him some little pills, and told him to experiment carefully to find which ones he liked. Harry liked all of it. He liked the ones that made him kick into overdrive for when he was feeling so numb that he wanted to die. When he was feeling anxious and afraid, he liked the ones that made him feel like he couldn’t feel anything at all. 

Eventually he stopped going to the park, and met up with one of his friends every two weeks for a restock. The others didn’t want to be around him anymore because they weren’t crazy about the heavier drugs he was taking. He still stopped by once and awhile to get some cigarettes or some liquor from them, but that was about it. 

Harry was careful not to let on to his relatives what he was doing. He knew they wouldn’t appreciate having a druggie in their home. Harry stole money from them to pay for the drugs, and he was sure that they wouldn’t be happy about that either. Harry didn’t really care though. In his drug-induced haze, it was hard to care about anything. Which was the whole point. 

Harry no longer worried about Voldemort, or his friends who weren’t writing to him, or Hogwarts, or his horrible family, or even things like eating and showering. He looked like a mess. He was a mess though. And he was okay with that.
His days passed in a drug-induced haze, and Harry felt okay. 

Weeks later, Harry’s summer was disrupted. He received a letter from Dumbledore saying that people would be there to pick him up that night. Harry cursed. He didn’t want to go back to Hogwarts. He hadn’t thought about it all summer. He also couldn’t believe it was almost time to go back. It felt like no time had passed since arriving back at the Dursleys. 

He tried to force down his panic. Ok first things first. He needed drugs. Like, a lot. He quickly called up his dealer using the Dursley’s phone and explained the situation. He said he was going to be leaving on short notice, and needed as much as he could get. They decided to meet in a couple of hours to make the exchange. 

Next, Harry rushed up to use the shower, so that he could tidy up his appearance a bit. He popped a pill too, to quell his anxiety. 

He looked in the mirror after his shower. He still looked terribly pale and unhealthy. Well, there was nothing he could do about that now. He still had a while before he had to go meet his dealer, so he decided to pack his things. He had barely touched most of it all summer. 

He finished, and quickly left Privet Drive after stealing a large wad of cash from Vernon’s room. He thanked Merlin that Vernon and Petunia were gone on a trip with Dudley that weekend. 

“So, I couldn’t get as much as you wanted of your normal stuff,  but here’s as much as I could get,” the dealer, Jake, explained apologetically, “I also have some stuff that’s a lot stronger, but… it’s dangerous.”

Harry waited for more of an explanation. 

“You seriously, and I mean it, cannot take a lot of this, it’s like strong ok?” He handed Harry a bottle of pills, “You could die if you take more than a quarter of a pill, I’m not kidding.”

“Only a quarter?” Harry complained. 

“Dude, that’s all you’ll need, when you take it make sure you are sitting down and don’t need to go anywhere for a bit.”

“But what if I just need to take the edge off?”

“Just scrape a bit off the corner then,” Jake instructed, “Also, try not to take it too often, it’s really, really addictive.”

Harry nodded in understanding. He knew that on some level, he was already a drug addict, but it wasn’t like hardcore or anything, and he planned to keep it that way. 

“Thanks man,” Harry said, and handed him the money. 

“Just be careful,” Jake warned and walked away. 

Harry headed back to the house and realized he still had a few hours before he had to be ready for them to pick him up. He looked at the new pills that Jake had given him. He had his normal stuff, but he wanted to try out these stronger pills. Just a little bit. 

He carefully cut a pill in half, and then again. He did it one more time, and held the tiny eighth of a pill in his hand.  He snorted the pill after putting the drugs back in his bag. 

Woah.

Harry was launched into a euphoric state that had him feeling like he was flying. He didn’t know how long it lasted, but eventually he came down a bit. Not even that much, just enough that he realized he was laying on the ground and it was now dark out. 

He sluggishly made his way up to the bed to check the time. 

Fuck.

He had to leave in an hour, and he couldn’t even function. Where had all of that time gone?

Harry prayed that he would come down a bit more before he got busted by whoever was coming to pick him up. 

He slowly felt the effects of the drug leave him as he laid on his bed, but he was still definitely not sober when he heard the front door open downstairs. 

He got out of bed and thankfully only swayed a little on his feet. Harry froze when he saw the hall lined with people, some he knew, some he didn’t. 

“Hello Harry,” greeted Remus Lupin. Harry tried to smile convincingly, and look completely normal. 

The group introduced themselves as the ‘Order of the Phoenix’ and Harry tried his best to remember the names of the people that he hadn’t met before. 

He followed them outside, managing to stay pretty steady on his feet. He swallowed as he realized he was going to have to balance on a broom for who knows how long. He considered taking one of the upper pills that he still had, just to wake up a little, but he didn’t know how it would react, and he couldn’t exactly be popping pills in front of the Order, 

By some miracle, Harry remained on his broom for the entire trip, and by the time he landed, he felt pretty close to being sober. So sober in fact, that he felt his hands begin to shake as he craved his next hit. Jake had not lied, this stuff was no joke. 

He knew he shouldn’t take another one of the stronger pills, but he planned to take one of his normal ones as soon as he could. 

He watched in amazement as a flat appeared between two of the others. He entered the small flat and was shocked that the Order was using something this dark and dingy. Molly Weasley swept him up into a big hug and directed him upstairs to Ron and Hermione. Harry made a pitstop on the way up and threw a pill into his mouth. It wasn’t going to hit him as fast, but he didn’t have any other choice right now. 

The reunion of the trio was tense. Harry felt anger for the first time in months as he thought about how isolated they had left him. Hermione clearly felt guilty over it, but Harry didn’t really care. She and Ron, along with the help of the twins explained what had been going on with the Order and Voldemort, and Harry tried his best to look like he cared. 

Eventually, they were called down to dinner. Harry gave a small, although genuine smile when he saw Sirius. His godfather pulled him into a hug. He missed the concerned look that Sirius shot over his shoulder when he felt how skinny Harry had become. 

Throughout dinner, Harry felt present, as the drugs had not yet kicked in. He was able to hide his shaking hands and ate a small amount of his food. He was hungry at first, but he filled up quickly. 

After dinner, there was a big argument about whether Harry should be told what the Order was doing. Harry again tried to act as though he cared. He knew they all expected him to care. Last year he would have. As Mrs. Weasley yelled at Sirius to stop talking, Harry felt warmth surge through his veins. Finally the pill had kicked in. Harry relaxed back into his chair as he observed the arguing adults. 

Finally, the teenagers were shooed up to bed. Harry tried not to make his movements too sluggish to avoid detection. He didn’t notice a few pairs of concerned eyes on him as he left the room. 

Over the next few days Harry fell into a routine of taking a normal pill after breakfast, and dinner. Mrs. Weasley had them cleaning the old house and ridding it of dark magic. The boring tasks actually went perfectly along with Harry’s high. He could do the same thing over and over and stay relaxed and enjoy his buzz.  He thought he was getting away with it too. No one ever noticed that he was most relaxed mid morning and in the evening, and most irritable before dinner. Or they did. And they didn’t say anything. No one said anything about his small eating portions, or his lack of social interaction. He tried to make conversation, but when he had the pleasant buzz going through him he just found it hard to focus. 

He also started taking an eighth of the strong pills every night before bed. He loved them. They made him feel so good, and he was able to sleep well. He knew he was actually only sleeping a few hours, because the bliss state that he was in didn’t really count, but it still felt good. 

The cravings became stronger though, and he started scraping off a bit of the pills just to help him get through the day, on top of the normal ones he was taking. 

Everything was fine until one day when Mrs. Weasley sent them straight from breakfast to the drawing room to deal with the infested curtains. Harry wasn’t able to sneak upstairs to take his normal pill. He felt fine at first as he teamed up with Ginny to attack the curtains. Mrs. Weasley brought them sandwiches midday, and again later for dinner. They stayed working late into the evening. Around noon, his hands began to shake a bit and his body began to ache. His head was pounding by the evening. He didn’t even notice that he snapped at Ron twice. When he thought they were done, he almost bolted to the door to go upstairs, but Sirius called his name. 

“Can we talk?” Sirius asked carefully as the others left the room. Inwardly Harry wanted to scream no, but he nodded politely. 

They sat down on the couch together. 

“Are you ok Harry?” Sirius asked bluntly, “I’ve noticed… you seem different, today especially.”

“Um..” Harry didn’t know what to say. 

“I know it must be hard to deal with what happened last year, and with Voldemort being back, it’s enough to make anyone a little stressed,” Sirius said.

“Er, yeah I suppose,” Harry muttered, avoiding eye contact. Sirius was coming a little too close to the truth for Harry’s liking. Harry wasn’t about to tell him that everytime he was sober he felt suffocating guilt and anxiety over Cedric’s death. Honestly, even his parents’ deaths for him made him feel guilty. He wasn’t worth their sacrifice. 

Harry noticed his knee bouncing and he forced it to be still. 

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Sirius asked. 

“Um, not really? I don’t know,” Harry stuttered out. 

“Well,” Sirius said, sounding disappointed, “If you ever want to talk, I’m here for you.”

Harry nodded, and then left the room as quickly as he could without seeming suspicious. He bolted up the stairs and dug wildly into his backpack. He took a look at his bottle of stronger pills and decided that today he needed it. He decided to try taking a whole quarter of the pill this time, he was desperate. He swallowed it as fast as he could. 

“Hey Harry,” Ron poked his head into their shared room. Harry hid the pills behind his back. 

“We’re doing a game night in Fred and George’s room, want to come?”

“Um, no thanks, I’m pretty tired tonight,” Harry answered. Ron nodded and left. As soon as the door closed Harry was hit with the wave of euphoria stronger than he had ever felt.  He was able to put the pills away and lay down on his bed before he surrendered to the bliss. 

He floated and soared on the waves of peacefulness that he felt. He didn’t have any thoughts. 

“Harry,”

Harry felt so free, so happy. Happier than he had ever been.

“Harry, are you in there?” 

There was a voice that Harry could hear, but it was all muddled and distant. He ignored it. 

“Harry, I’m coming in.”

All of a sudden, Harry had a thought. It would be very bad if this person came in. He wasn’t sure why, but he knew it would be bad. 

Harry forced his mind back into his body just enough to sit up slightly against the headboard and open his eyes. He stared blankly into nothing. A figure moved in front of his vision. 

“Harry, what’s wrong? Look at me,” the voice said. Harry fought for control of his eyes and looked at the person in front of him. The person was still talking, and maybe touching him now. He focused hard, and determined it was Sirius. 

Fuckkkkkk

Harry knew he had to act as normal as possible so that Sirius wouldn’t figure out that he was high. It was so hard though, to focus. The calming waves threatened to pull him back down and Harry was losing reasons not to let it. 

“Are you high?!?” 

Shit.

Harry giggled. He was so screwed. He knew it wasn’t funny. But it was at that moment. Judging by Sirius’s face, that had been the wrong response. 

Sirius watched Harry leave the drawing room in concern. Harry was not okay, no matter how much he pretended that he was. First of all, he had been almost antisocial lately. Harry had never been a social butterfly, but before he had always been laughing and talking to his friends. Now, Sirius hardly ever saw him smile. He rarely talked to his friends, or anyone else. When he did, he seemed… distant. 

Sirius had noticed Harry seemed distant a lot. Sometimes his normally bright green eyes looked completely dead. Other times, he could tell that Harry was incredibly anxious. Sirius noticed Harry’s hands shaking on more than one occasion. 

Harry also seemed thinner, and tired, but Sirius wasn’t sure if he was imagining it. 

Today, Harry had been downright rude to his friends. He seemed on edge, and Sirius was determined to get to the bottom of what was causing all of these changes. He had hoped that Harry would confide in him, but he wasn’t successful. 

He sighed and stood up. He slowly made his way up the stairs to his room. He was almost there when he saw Ron by himself in the hallway. 

“Hey Ron, what’s up?” he greeted. 

“We’re having a game night upstairs, I was just checking to see if Harry wanted to come up,” Ron explained, “He didn’t.”

Sirius frowned as Ron brushed by him. He decided to check on Harry one more time. He was Harry’s godfather, and it was his responsibility to make sure the kid was alright. 

He knocked at the door, but there was no response. 

He called Harry’s name a few times, but he only heard silence. 

“Harry, I’m coming in,” he called in warning. As he opened the door, he saw Harry sitting on the bed, staring off into space. 

“Harry?’ he called. No response again. Sirius was worried now. He walked around the bed to stand right next to Harry, who hadn’t seemed to notice his presence. 

“Harry? What’s wrong?” Sirius asked, but there was no answer, “Look at me.”

Sirius watched, and his concern doubled as Harry lazily dragged his eyes over to Sirius. They looked glassy and unfocused. Had he been cursed?

Sirius quickly cast a few diagnostic charms checking for charms, jinxes, poisons, and everything else he could think of. They all came up clear. Sirius thought hard. Suddenly everything clicked into place. 

Was Harry high? 

His pupils were dilated and he didn’t seem present at all. Thinking back, it all made sense. His mood swings, the shakes, the distance, the weight loss, and the tiredness. 

“Are you high??” he demanded. He didn’t know whether to be scared or angry. 

Harry giggled sluggishly. Sirius blinked. Whatever he had been expecting, it was not that. After his shock dissipated, the anger surged up. 

“What are you on?” he asked furiously. He looked around for Harry’s things and found a backpack. He searched through it and found several bottles of pills. He cast some diagnostic spells on them and gasped. 

“Are you crazy?? These could kill you!” he snapped. Harry just stared into space, “Fuck Harry, what were you thinking?”

“No thinking… don’t want to…” Harry slurred out, closing his eyes. Sirius felt his anger disappear in one second. He was filled with sorrow instead. Harry obviously wasn’t dealing with everything well right now. He had sought an escape in drugs. What was causing him to struggle so badly that he needed to? How had none of them noticed?

Sirius sighed. He pocketed Harry’s pills and scooped the boy into his arms. He needed to take care of his godson, and he didn’t want his friends to be able to walk in at any moment. 

He carried Harry up to his room. Once Harry was settled, he floo called Remus. Remus would know what to do. 

“Wait what??” Remus asked, “Let me come through.”

Sirius jerked his head out of the fireplace so that Remus could step through. 

“Ok,” Remus said, glancing at Harry who was zoned out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, “What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s high out of his mind,” Sirius said. 

Remus blinked and then moved over to study Harry more closely. 

“On what? This isn’t normal weed or anything,” he noted. Sirius nodded. 

“He took these I think,” Sirius said, and handed him the bottle. Remus’s expression darkened as he read the label. 

He spoke very quietly, “How much?”

“I have no idea,” Sirius explained helplessly, “He was acting strange, so I went to check on him again, and found him like this, he hasn’t said anything, he’s not really there I don’t think.”

“Come to think of it, he was acting very odd when we went to pick him up, almost like he was a robot. I just assumed he was tired,” Remus said thoughtfully. 

Remus sat gently on the bed next to Harry. 

“Harry, can you hear me?” Remus asked quietly. After a few more minutes of coaxing, Harry shifted his eyes slowly over to his old professor. 

Remus turned to Sirius, “I don’t think he’s overdosing, these are just really strong. We need to wait for them to wear off a bit before we’ll get any helpful information out of him.”

“I can’t believe he’s doing drugs,” Sirius said, shaking his head, “Where did he even get them?”

“I don’t know Sirius,” Remus said, “All I know is we need to search his room to make sure that he doesn’t have any more, and then we need to help him through withdrawals. If he’s only taken it a few times, it shouldn’t be too bad, but otherwise… we’re in for a rough time?”

“You don’t think he’s addicted?”

“I don’t know, he has a lot of pills for someone who’s just trying them out once or twice,” Remus shrugged. Sirius sat down and put his head in his hands. 

“I just can’t believe we didn’t notice.”

“You can’t blame yourself, you haven’t been with him all summer, and he’s a smart kid. He knows how to hide things,” Remus said sympathetically. 

“It’s just, doesn’t he know this could kill him?” Sirius asked. 

“He probably isn’t thinking about that,” Remus consoled. Sirius just shook his head. He didn’t know whether he was afraid, angry, or upset at what had happened. 

“James would kill me,” Sirius muttered. 

“I think James would kill a lot of people if he saw what had happened to Harry,” Remus sighed, “But, we have the chance to help him now, like we should have so long ago.”

“I guess,” Sirius sighed.

“The hard part is going to be convincing Harry to be sober. He’s taking drugs, and he’s likely addicted. We have a little bit before school starts, but he needs to at least be willing if this is going to work,” Remus worried, looking at the boy on the bed. 

Sirius nodded, and then left the room to search through Harry’s room to make sure he didn’t have anything else. He didn’t find any other drugs but he did find a bottle of liquor and several packs of cigarettes with a lighter. 

He brought his finds back to show Remus. 

“I didn’t find any other pills,” he explained. Remus nodded. 

“We should get some sleep, it’s going to get rough when he comes down and we need to be alert and rested,” Remus suggested. Sirius wanted to argue that he wouldn’t be able to sleep but he knew that Remus was correct. 

The next morning the pair rose from their spot on the couches that they had conjured the night before. They noticed Harry rustling around a bit on the bed as he woke up.

“Harry?” Sirius asked quietly.

Harry blinked his eyes open slowly. 

“Er..” he said as he noticed that he was in Sirius’s room, “What?”

Harry pushed himself into a sitting position. 

“Do you remember what happened?” Sirius asked in a level tone. Now that he knew Harry was awake and okay, he felt his anger start to rise. He tried to push it down as best he could. 

“Um…” Harry swallowed, then shook his head. 

“Are you sure?” Remus asked. Harry nodded. “So you don’t remember anything about these?” Remus asked, pulling out a bottle of Harry’s pills. Harry stared at the pills and did not speak. 

“Harry, we know you took them last night, I found you completely out of it last night,” Sirius explained.

“Do you want to explain why you took them? Or why you have them at all?” Remus suggested. Harry looked away and fiddled with the bed sheets. 

“Harry, how long have you been taking these?” Sirius asked. Silence. 

“You need to talk to us about this,” Sirius said, letting some of his temper color his tone. Harry clearly heard it, and jerked his head up to meet Sirius’s eyes. 

“How could you put yourself in danger like this?!? Do you know how stupid this is?!?” Sirius asked, no longer pulling back his anger. Harry shrunk back against the headboard a bit. 

“Sirius…” Remus warned, and took a deep breath, “We are worried about you and we want to help you.”

“I don’t need help.” Harry snapped. There was silence for a few moments. 

“You do,” Remus said calmly. Sirius didn’t know how his friend was so composed, Sirius was furious. 

“No I don’t.” Harry said firmly, “I’m fine.”

“Taking illegal drugs is not fine,” Remus argued. 

“I don’t see how that’s your problem,” Harry said, pushing the blankets off of his legs. 

“It’s our problem because we care about you and I’m your godfather, and Remus is as good as!” Sirius snapped. 

“Well I don’t need you to care,” Harry retorted, swinging his legs off the side of the bed. 

“Where do you think you’re going??” Sirius asked as Harry stood. 

“To my room,” Harry said, “I don’t want to have this conversation.”

“Well I do,” Remus said, flicking his wand at the door as Harry reached it. Harry tried to open the door but it wouldn’t budge. 

“You can’t lock me in here!” Harry protested. 

“I can, and I did,” Remus said coolly. 

“Let me out!” 

“No, not until we talk about this.” Remus responded firmly. 

“Fuck off.” Harry spat. 

“Harry!” Sirius reprimanded. 

“Fuck you too.” Harry hissed, “Let me the fuck out of here!” 

“Be as angry as you want,” Remus said, an edge now evident in his tone, “It won’t change anything.”

“What do you want from me?” Harry demanded. 

“Why were you taking drugs?” Sirius asked. 

“Because I felt like it.” 

“Not good enough, when did you start?” Remus asked. 

“That’s none of your business,” Harry said sourly. 

“It is now,” Remus responded. 

Harry was now red in the face. Sirius noticed his hands shaking at his sides. 

“No it isn’t! It’s my life and I can do what I want with it. I don’t give a shit what you think! Leave me alone!” he yelled. 

“Are you done now?” Remus asked as if he were talking to a young child, “By all means, keep yelling, if you want to.”

Harry stopped yelling and stared at him. Sirius saw his godson take a deep breath and compose himself. 

“Look, I’m sorry that I lost my temper. I took drugs last night because I was bored and I wanted to see what it was like. I know it was wrong, and I won’t do it again. I’m sorry. Can I go now?” Harry in an unnaturally calm voice.

“Maybe, if I had believed a single word you just said. Cut the bullshit Harry, it won’t work on us,” Remus said. Harry and Sirius both stared in shock at the man’s harsh language. Remus almost never swore. 

“Ok, can I at least use the bathroom and get changed?” Harry asked after a moment. 

“You can use Sirius’s,” Remus motioned to Sirius’s connected bathroom, “And we can go grab you some clothes.”

“Are you going to watch everything I do? Why can’t I just go get changed?” he cried indignantly. 

“So that you can sneak more pills that you have hidden, who knows where?” Remus asked innocently. 

“I don’t have any more,” Harry said. 

“No?” Sirius asked, and pulled the rest of the bottles out of his back pocket to show Harry, “Are these Ron’s then? Does he keep them mixed with your things?”

Sirius knew very well that they were not Ron’s and his tone made it obvious to the other members of the conversation.

Harry glared at Sirius. In that moment, Sirius could see Lily’s stubborn defiance showing through those bright green eyes. 

“Ok, so, last night I took some stronger ones, but I swear the other ones aren’t bad, can I have those back?” Harry asked, and Sirius detected a small shake in his voice. 

“No.” Remus said. 

“Come on, please, I n-” Harry cut himself off. 

“Are you addicted, Harry?” Remus asked softly. 

“N-no, I’m not,” Harry said shaking his head, “I haven’t even taken them much at all.”

“Harry, tell the truth,” Remus reprimanded gently. 

“So what if I am addicted?!? It’s fine, I’ll take care of it,” Harry said hotly. 

“It matters if you’re addicted, how long have you been taking them?” Remus said kindly. 

“A while...” Harry muttered, looking at his feet. 

“How long is a while?” Sirius asked. 

Harry mumbled something under his breath. 

“What was that?” Sirius asked. 

“Since the beginning of summer,” Harry muttered slightly louder. 

“And how much are you taking?” Remus asked, “Tell the truth please.”

“Just a few,” Harry said. 

“A few a week?” Sirius checked. 

“...a day.”

“Exactly how many are you taking a day?” Remus asked. 

“Um, three or four? Maybe I’m not sure. Not the strong ones, I only take a little bit of that a day I swear,” Harry explained. 

“You are taking these everyday?” Sirius demanded, holding up the bottle of pills that could kill his godson in one pill. 

“Sirius,” Remus warned again, “Okay, so you are probably going to have to go through some serious withdrawal symptoms then.”

Harry looked up in fear. Sirius felt a pang of sympathy when he remembered that Harry was barely even 15. Harry was terrified and he was trying to hide it.

“Harry, we’re going to help you through this,” Sirius said.

“What if I don’t want to?” Harry asked.

“Why not?” Remus asked.

“Just… what’s the point? It doesn’t matter if I’m doing drugs or not,” Harry said. Sirius blinked. 

“It does matter. It’s dangerous, you could overdose, it’s expensive, and it’s not good for your brain, or your body,” Remus explained. Harry rolled his eyes. “Do you not care about that? You are damaging your mind and your body. You could die.”

Harry shrugged. Sirius stilled as a chill went down his spine. 

“Harry, do you want to die?” he asked quietly. 

“...No.” 

That answer terrified Sirius. 

“Harry…” Remus said. 

“I don’t want to kill myself,” Harry said firmly. 

“Then you need to stop doing drugs. It will kill you.” Remus said. 

“I can’t,” Harry said helplessly. 

“We’ll help you,” Sirius jumped in. 

“No, you don’t understand,” Harry said, shaking his head. 

“Then explain it,” Remus suggested. 

“I’m sure you could help me get sober or whatever, but I don’t want to. I don’t want all of the feelings to come back, I can’t live like that,” Harry said, twisting his hands. 

Remus stood and walked towards Harry. Harry watched him carefully, and gave a surprised squeak when Remus pulled him into a tight hug. 

“We’re going to get you through this,” Sirius heard Remus murmur. Sirius walked up next to him and pulled Harry into a tight hug once Remus had released him. 

“I haven’t done a good job of being your godfather so far, but that’s going to change right now,” he promised, “We are going to take care of you.”

Harry nodded into Sirius’s chest. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, so quietly that Sirius almost missed. It. 

“None of that now, let’s get some food and water into you,” Remus said as Harry pulled back from Sirius. Sirius watched as Harry’s eyes flicked down to the pill bottle that was still in Sirius’s hand. Sirius banished it with a wave of his wand, along with the other bottles and cigarettes that he had collected earlier. 

“I’ll grab some more comfortable clothes for you,” Remus added as he unlocked the door and strode out of the room. 

Harry munched on some of the snacks that Remus had brought him. He had crackers and fruit, as well as some water. Remus wanted to make sure he was fed and hydrated before the withdrawal symptoms started. 

Harry couldn’t believe that he had been stupid enough to get caught using drugs, and that he had actually admitted it to the older pair. He knew this was probably for the best, and was hopeful that Sirius and Remus would stick by him as he got clean. He hadn’t realized how bad his addiction had gotten. Already he could feel his hands begin to shake as he came down from his massive high the night before. 

He wasn’t hungry, but he ate as he was told and sat quietly on the bed. 

“Are you going to tell anyone?” he asked softly to Sirius, who was sitting next to him. 

“Do you want me to?” 

Harry quickly shook his head. He didn’t want his friends or the Order finding out. Then all of Hogwarts would find out and the wizarding world would think he was even more deranged. Harry couldn’t imagine what Voldemort would do if he learned of Harry’s weakness. 

“Ok, so we won’t,” Sirius said, “We can let them know that you’ve come down with something and need to rest for a few days.”

Harry nodded. 

“I have a potion, it will speed up the withdrawal process so that it only takes a day or two, instead of several, but it will be more intense,” Remus said, “Do you want it?” 

Harry thought for a moment and nodded, taking the potion from Remus. He didn’t want to be miserable for days on end, he just wanted to get it over with. 

As the minutes passed, he began to feel worse and worse. His head was pounding, and he desperately wanted a pill to take the edge off of his increasing anxiety. Harry felt his stomach begin to roll and his body grow sweaty. He felt somehow itchy under his skin and he began to scratch aggressively at his wrist. 

“Harry,” Remus said gently, putting a hand over Harry’s. 

“Sorry,” Harry croaked, and stopped scratching. 

Sirius and Remus tried to play board games and card games with Harry to distract him from the worsening symptoms, but Harry struggled to concentrate. 

Suddenly, his stomach rolled dangerously, and Harry had to hold back the urge to puke.
“Here,” Sirius said, passing him a bucket, just in time, as Harry released the contents of his stomach. He threw up violently into the bucket for the next few minutes. By the time he was done, he was shaking, and there were tears on his face. He felt a hand rubbing his back, and another smoothing back his hair. 

“There you go, all done?” Remus asked. Harry nodded, and Remus vanished the sick, and shot a freshening charm at Harry’s mouth. Sirius passed him a water bottle, which Harry took gratefully. 

Sirius shared a look with Remus as Harry started gagging again. He had thrown up several times over the course of the afternoon, and now he was just dry-heaving. 

It was hard to watch his young godson suffer through this but he knew it was necessary. Harry was pale and sweaty, and he hadn’t stopped trembling since the first time he was sick. 

Suddenly, Harry slumped forward, and Sirius grabbed him quickly before he could fall into the bucket. He looked and saw that Harry had fully passed out from the stress that his body was under. Sirius gently laid Harry back on the bed. 

“It’s worse than I thought it would be,” Remus murmured. 

Sirius sighed and shook his head. At least Harry was getting a little break now. Unfortunately, Harry didn’t stay out for long, and within a few minutes he was waking up, and shaking again. 

“How are you feeling?’ Sirius asked. 

“Hurts,” Harry whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“What hurts?” Remus asked. 

“Everything, it hurts, please,” Harry cried. Sirius’s heart twisted.

“It will get better Harry,” he soothed. 

Harry tossed his head back and forth, “No, no, please, I need it, it needs to stop, please let me have some.”

“We can’t do that,” Remus said. 

“No, please, just a little, just a little I promise,” he begged. 

“It won’t help,” Remus shook his head. 

“I’m DYING, please!” Harry begged desperately. 

“You’re not dying, I promise,” Sirius said, smoothing his hair away. Harry tried to sit up, but Sirius pushed him gently back down. 

“I need it please, it hurts so bad,” Harry sobbed, and Sirius had to look away and take a deep breath. It hurt so much to see his godson like this. 

“No Harry, you just have to get through this,” Remus reminded. 

“I hate you!” Harry yelled and thrashed out against Sirius, “Let me go.”

“Let him go Sirius,” Remus suggested. Sirius released his godson, who pushed himself out of bed, and immediately fell to the floor, unable to walk well enough to leave. 

Sirius and Remus scooped the boy off of the ground and put him back into bed. 

“You need to gain some weight,” Sirius muttered under his breath. Harry had been way too easy to pick up.

Harry had stopped complaining and fighting and now was just whimpering quietly. 

“What do we do?” Sirius asked, looking at Remus.

“We have to wait it out,” Remus sighed. 

“But he’s in pain,” Sirius argued, “There must be something we can do.”

“We can’t give him anything, he just has to get through it,” Remus said, “I hate it as much as you do.”

The next few hours were rough. Sirius and Remus sat with Harry as he cried, and yelled, and told them that he hated them. He begged and threw up some more. He shook and was sweaty. He went in between being hot and cold. 

There were times when Sirius was sure that Harry was hallucinating, or at least not fully there. Remus continually assured him that it was all normal. 

The only relief came when Harry would fall asleep, normally only for thirty minutes at a time. 

They informed the rest of the order that Harry had caught a strange version of the magical flu, and that they didn’t want to get anyone else sick. The others promised to leave them alone in their room for a few days. 

Harry woke up feeling better than he had for the entire previous day. He wasn’t shaking, his stomach wasn’t angry, and he didn’t feel like he was dying. He blinked open his eyes slowly. He was still in Sirius’s room, on his bed. Remus and Sirius were both slumped over in their chairs next to him, sound asleep. 

Harry was suddenly hit with a wave of memories of the previous day. He felt his cheeks grow hot as he recalled screaming at the older two men that were trying to help him. Merlin, that was embarrassing. 

Harry tiptoed quietly out of bed to use Sirius’s connected bathroom. His muscles were still sore from the previous day, but he felt a lot more steady. As he washed his hands, he thought about what being sober meant now. 

It was the first time that he had been sober all summer, and his head felt clear. Harry didn’t know how he felt about it. He already missed the buzz that normally filled his veins and the warmth that he was normally surrounded by. However Harry couldn’t deny that his thoughts were moving much faster than normal, and he felt more connected to himself and his surroundings. 

Harry dried his hands and left the bedroom. He was startled to see Sirius and Remus waking up frantically. 

“Where did he go?” Sirius said in a worry. 

“I don’t know,” Remus answered and they both rushed to the door. 

“Hey, stop, I’m right here,” Harry called, and they skidded to a halt and turned around.

“Oh, good morning Harry,” Remus said, composing himself, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay, I was just using the bathroom,” Harry said awkwardly. 

“Of course,” Remus nodded, “Are you feeling well enough to go down for breakfast with us?” 

Harry nodded. Unease coiled in his stomach at the thought of facing his friends, even though they didn’t know what happened. 

He followed his godfather and former professor out of the room and down the stairs. 

“Harry!” Molly Weasley said warmly, and engulfed him in a tight hug, “Are you feeling better?” 

Harry nodded, “I’m much better now.”

“Good, good, I’ve made a large breakfast now, eat up!” She said joyfully and gave Harry a pat on the head. 

Harry made his way over to his friends and sat down next to Ron, across from Hermione. 

“Harry, it’s good to see you, how are you?” Hermione asked. 

“I’m alright,” Harry said, “What have I missed?”

“Not too much, Mum’s just been making us clean…” 

Ron and Hermione chatted on about their activities over the last day. Harry slowly tuned them out as his cravings grew stronger. He shifted a bit in his seat and stopped himself from bouncing his leg. He knew that Remus and Sirius had scoured his room, and taken all of his drugs. He wouldn’t be able to get more for awhile. Not that he wanted to, he was actually going to try to stay sober. 

He hadn’t realized how far down he had fallen over the summer, and he was embarrassed that he had such a dependence on the drugs. It wasn’t something he wanted to continue. Still, his body was desperate to have one more high. 

“Harry? Are you listening?” Hermione asked, cutting into his thoughts. 

“What, er, yeah?” Harry said. 

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Um yeah, I’m just a bit tired,” Harry lied, feeling the eyes of his godfather on him from down the table. “I think I’ll go take a nap.”

His friends nodded and Harry stood from the table and went upstairs. 

He heard Sirius follow him up the stairs. Harry didn’t know why he was being followed and watched so closely. It wasn’t like he could get any drugs. He didn’t even really want to take any. Mostly. 

“Harry, you doing alright?” he heard Sirius ask behind him. 

“Yes,” Harry said, surprised by how strained his voice sounded. He realized his hands were balled into fists and his breathing was coming quickly. He took a quick breath to calm himself as he pushed open his bedroom door, “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Sirius said, following him in. Harry felt his annoyance bubble up. 

“What do you want me to say?” Harry asked harshly. He knew Sirius was just trying to help but Harry felt like he was under a magnifying glass, “Do you want me to say that I want to get high so badly that it hurts?” 

“Do you?” Sirius asked, taking a seat on the edge of Harry’s bed. 

Harry paced around the room. He shook his head, “No, no, I don’t, well I do, but I don’t, I swear, I don’t know-”

“-Harry,” Sirius broke in calmly, and Harry stopped for a second, “Take a deep breath.”

“I’m fine,” Harry argued.

“Stop saying that,” Sirius ordered, “You’re allowed to struggle Harry.”

“I brought this on myself,” Harry shook his head.

“You have gone through a lot, more than anyone should have to, it’s okay if you made some bad decisions. That’s in the past now. You have to focus on the present and what you’re going to decide to do now,” Sirius said. 

“You mean like if I stay sober?” Harry asked. 

“Yes,” Sirius answered, “You have to decide if you want it or not.”

“And if I don’t?” 

“Then I’ll spend every day trying to change your mind, I won’t allow you to use again Harry, I’m your godfather, and I’ll protect you from anything, even yourself,” Sirius said solemnly. Harry nodded, oddly comforted by Sirius giving him no choice but to be sober. 

“I don’t want to use it, but it’s hard,” Harry admitted. 

“It’s going to be hard. You have to take it one day at a time,” Sirius advised. 

One day at a time, Harry thought, I can do that. 

Chapter Text

Harry stormed out of Umbridge’s office for the third time that week. His hand ached furiously and he wanted to punch the old toad. It was so unfair, getting detention for telling the truth. He had been in detention every night for weeks now.  The cuts on his hand didn’t even heal now, they would just scab over to be ripped open the next day. 

This year at Hogwarts was miserable. Umbridge was a dictator, slowly taking over more and more of the school. Dumbledore wouldn’t talk to him, and the whole school thought he was a lunatic. Voldemort was angry all of the time, and Harry’s scar ached most of the time. He was bombarded with visions everytime he tried to close his eyes, so Harry wasn’t getting any sleep. 

On top of all of that, he was trying desperately to stay sober. It was easier at the beginning of the year, when things weren’t so bad. Now he felt cravings non-stop. He knew he would feel better if he just had a little something to take the edge off. 

Sirius and Remus wrote to him several times a week, under codenames. Their letters were like riddles, to keep anyone from finding out about Harry’s problem. They would secretly check in on him, and ask him how he was dealing with everything. Harry was as honest as he could be at first. Slowly though, when the cravings got worse, he started to lie. He didn’t want to worry them, and he felt weak. Wasn’t it supposed to be getting better? Shouldn’t it be easier to stay sober? 

Harry trudged through the dark corridors back to his dorm. He froze when he heard scuffling around the corner in front of him. He drew his wand quietly and tiptoed to see what was going on. 

He saw two seventh year Ravenclaws huddled close together in the shadows. It was much past curfew, and Harry didn’t think they were prefects. They both jerked their heads up when they saw him. They fumbled around, trying to stuff things into their pockets, dropping a few things and cursing. 

“What are you doing out here?” they demanded. 

“Er, I was just coming from detention,” Harry explained, fully planning on walking around them and going to his dormitory. His eyes flicked down to the floor in front of their feet, and his heart stopped. 

A teeny tiny white pill. 

No fucking way. 

Harry tried to convince himself to walk away, forget about it. He didn’t care what they had or what they were doing. He was sober. He didn’t need pills. 

“What do you have there?” Harry asked. 

The boys looked at him suspiciously. 

“What, so you can turn us in? I don’t think so,” the shorter one sneered. 

“How about this, you give me some, don’t tell anyone about this, and I don’t say anything,” Harry bargained. He knew it was wrong, but the pills were right there in front of him. He couldn’t say no. 

The boys exchanged a glance. 

“Okay Potter, whatever.”

Harry held out his hand and they dumped a good amount of pills in it. Harry’s body longed to throw them into his mouth right away, but he resisted. 

Harry nodded, and then left the pair. He pocketed the pills and continued his way up to the Gryfindor tower. His heart was racing. He could get high. He could feel some relief. 

He would be disobeying Sirius and Remus. He would be throwing away all that he had worked towards this past year. 

Harry sat on his bed pondering whether or not he should take the pills for a long time. Ron made a noise in his sleep, and Harry jumped. He looked around to ensure that everyone was asleep. Harry shook his head and put the pills in a clean sock and shoved it to the bottom of his trunk. 

He didn’t need them. He wouldn’t do this. He wouldn’t mess up his life like that. 

A few days later, Harry was rifling wildly through his trunk after another detention with Umbridge. She had ridiculed him the whole time, making fun of him, his friends, his parents, and his entire life in general. Harry couldn’t take it. His hand was on fire, and he felt like screaming. He needed to get high. 

“Harry? What are you looking for?” Neville asked as he exited the bathroom. 

Fuck. 

Harry had thought his roommates were all asleep. 

“Oh, um, just a t-shirt,” Harry lied, “It’s too hot in here.”

Neville nodded. 

Harry pulled out the first t-shirt he could find and shut his trunk, and headed to the bathroom to change. He splashed some cold water on his face. The urge to get high faded to a manageable level. He couldn’t believe that he had almost broken his sobriety like that. Thank Merlin that Neville had walked in when he did. Harry knew he should get rid of the pills, and he decided to do it the next time there was no one in the dorm. 

Three weeks later, the pills were still in his trunk. He thought about them everyday. He made excuses to himself not to get rid of them. He never took them out, never touched or even looked at them. He knew they were there. He wouldn’t take them though, he was just keeping them.

Harry slammed down the Daily Prophet. He stood from his seat in the Great Hall, and ignored the calls of his friends. He was done. Fucking over it. He felt the stares of the entire student body as he left the hall. 

The prophet had printed an article theorizing that he had killed Cedric himself, and was trying to hail himself the hero by making up stories about Voldemort. They had hinted at that theory in other articles, but they had never outright said it. They even had quotes from his fellow students making up lies about his behavior at Hogwarts. 

Harry did consider himself the reason that Cedric was dead, but he didn’t need it to be shoved in his face all of the time. He hurried up to the tower as visions of Cedric flashed across his vision. The green light, and the life leaving Cedric’s eyes as he hit the ground. 

Harry was fully hyperventilating by the time he stumbled to his trunk. He dug out the pills and had one down his throat before he could even think about what he was doing. He hurriedly put everything away and then laid on his bed as a slow calm washed over him for the first time since summer. 

The euphoric waves took him out of his mind and dulled the image of Cedric’s dead body. It washed away the anxiety and depression that Harry had become so used to. He felt at peace. 

Eventually, Harry decided he did need to go to classes to avoid suspicion, so he dragged himself out of bed and made his way to class. He sat motionless through his classes and didn’t bother going to the Great Hall for lunch. He gave one word responses to his friends when they spoke to him. 

His bubble of calmness and euphoria began to crumble after dinner. He felt awareness begin to creep back in as the drug wore off. 

Fuck. 

He broke his sobriety. 

Fuck.

How could he have done that so recklessly?

He had thrown months of work down the drain in one minute. For what?

It felt so good though. Harry couldn’t deny that he had been happier than he had been in a long time. Maybe he could regulate it better than this summer. Only take a little, to get through the day. To act happier and be more productive. No one had to find out this time. He would be sober whenever he interacted with Sirius or Remus. And no one at Hogwarts knew. 

Harry mulled over his plan in his mind and figured out how to make it work. Could he do it? Could he start using again but keep it healthier?

It turned out that he could. He took a small amount everyday, and it was incredible. He was happier, more talkative, and more productive. He scored some pills from the Ravenclaws that would make him feel like he had a ton of energy, and he got all of his work done. 

He also got some pills for the night time. They threw him into a euphoric high that made him feel like he was floating through time and space. It was pure bliss. 

He had arranged a nice system with Terry Boot. They had class together, and he knew the older Ravenclaws. Apparently he liked to smoke with them on the weekends. They would give Terry a bag, and Harry would give Terry his galleons. 

“What’s in this?” Terry asked the third time, “They always seal it shut.”

“Just a few pills,” Harry answered honestly. 

“Oh shit, you take pills?” Terry asked, shocked. “I thought it was just a bit of we-”

“-Keep it down,” Harry said, glancing around the busy hallway. “I just take them for fun, at night and such, it’s not a big deal.”

“Okay, yeah, whatever,” Terry said, shrugging it off. Harry didn’t really care what Terry thought, the system worked for him, and it was getting him through the long weeks of school.

The best part was that no one noticed. His friends thought he was doing a lot better. His teachers thought that his homework quality was improving. His detentions with Umbridge didn’t suck anymore because he couldn’t feel the blood quill digging into his hand. 

He wasn’t hungry at all, now that he was using. He would avoid meal times, telling Ron and Hermione that he preferred to eat in the kitchen away from all of the eyes who were judging him, but encouraged them to continue eating with their other friends. He would use mealtimes to revel in his high in a random corner of the castle. 

He also didn’t have any panic attacks or visions while he was using. All and all, it was amazing. The only downside was that he did notice a slight tolerance building up, and he was slowly upping his dosage. He also felt a twinge of guilt whenever he wrote to Sirius and Remus to tell them that he was still sober. What they didn’t know didn’t hurt them. 

Harry met Terry in the hallway for the weekly exchange. Last time, he had passed Terry a note to give to his Ravenclaws requesting his dosage be upped. 

“Ok, I need two more galleons this time,” Terry said, eyeing Harry closely. 

Harry nodded and dug in his pockets. 

“Harry, that’s a lot of money for one week of recreational drugs,” Terry said slowly as Harry fumbled for the coins. 

“Why do you care?” he snapped. He found the coins and handed them over, and then waited for Terry to hand him the bag. 

“It’s just, you’re not just using it at night are you? Are you high right now?” Terry asked suspiciously. 

“Again, why would it matter to you?” Harry asked, bored. Terry wouldn’t rat him out, because Harry could get him in trouble too. 

“It doesn’t, I guess, it’s just you know, like a shit ton of stuff to be putting in your system, it’s not sustainable,” Terry said, finally handing him the bag, “You need to be more careful if you don’t want to get hurt. This stuff is serious.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m fine,” Harry said, waving him off and walking away. He didn’t need the concern of someone who didn’t even know him. He didn’t need Terry to tell him that this was dangerous. He had it under control this time, and everything was going to be fine. 

Harry knew he was going to have to get sober when he went back to headquarters for winter break, which was rapidly approaching. Weeks were passing in a blur, and Harry couldn’t believe that it was winter. He knew he wouldn’t get away with being high when Sirius and Remus were sure to be watching him like a hawk. 

Harry planned a weekend about three weeks before break to practice getting sober. He told Ron and Hermione to go to Hogsmeade without him, and he sat in his bed with the curtains drawn. He hadn’t taken his pills that morning, and he could feel his withdrawal starting already. It was much slower than the summer. He spent the afternoon reading to try to distract himself.

Soon it was dinner and he headed down to meet his friends. He surprisingly didn’t feel horrible. Dinner was tough, because his head was pounding, but Harry could do it. He felt confident that he would be able to be sober over winter break. That was until the next morning. 

He woke up nauseous with the shakes. He had two white pills down his throat before he could think. 

So he wouldn’t be able to go all break stone cold sober, Harry decided. He could moderate it though. No getting super high. Just enough to keep away any symptoms of withdrawal. He could do it, it would be fine. He would ration only just enough for the trip so that he wouldn’t be tempted to take more. 

Harry’s plans fell apart when he had an intense vision of Arthur Weasley getting attacked by a giant snake. He and Ron were rushed to the headmaster’s office, and from there, they were sent directly to headquarters with the rest of the Weasley children that were at Hogwarts. 

They portkeyed to the middle of the kitchen, and Harry shook his head, trying to get rid of the disorientation that always came from magical travel. He was still sweaty and shaking from his vision, and it didn’t help that he could have used another pill at the moment. 

“What’s going on?” Sirius asked, bursting into the kitchen, closely followed by Remus. 

“Harry had a vision, something about Dad getting attacked?” Ron said, looking at Harry. Everyone turned to look at Harry for answers. 

“Uh yeah, um, but Dumbledore knows now, he’s going to help I think,” Harry said, trying his best to think clearly. He was majorly shooken up by the gruesome attack that he had witnessed. 

“I’m sure he’s taking care of it, why don’t we get you all up to bed,” Remus suggested. 

“I’m not sleeping,” Ginny stated. The twins nodded in agreement. 

“Okay, fine,” Remus conceded, knowing it was a lost cause. He got Kreacher to make tea for everyone. Harry saw him shoot a meaningful look at Sirius who nodded. 

“Harry, can we talk outside?” Sirius asked quietly. Harry nodded. His whole plan was about to get fucked up. 

Sirius led him to the drawing room and they sat down on the couch. 

“How are you doing?” Sirius asked, “You look pretty shaken up.”

Harry let out a big sigh, “It was a lot.” He admitted, voice shaking slightly, “Sirius, it was really bad, he’s- there was so much blood… it’s so bad.” 

“If anyone can help him, it’s Dumbledore,” Sirius reassured him. Harry nodded, trying to believe his godfather’s words. “Come here,” Sirius said softly, opening his arms for a hug. 

Harry leant in gratefully, taking strength from his godfather. 

“Are you doing alright otherwise?” Sirius asked. Harry knew he was referring to his drug addiction. He nodded into Sirius’s shoulder. He was fine. He had it under control this time, and he wasn’t going to let it get away from him. His godfather didn’t need to know. And anyways, he was basically sober at the moment. His drugs had been worked out of his system. 

“Whenever you need to talk, Remus and I are here,” Sirius reminded. Harry nodded, and then Sirius stood, and the pair of them rejoined the others. Harry knew that they would still be watching him closely, but he felt better that he had evaded suspicion for now. He didn’t feel good that his drugs were trapped back at Hogwarts though. He would need another hit, and soon. 

Luckily, later that night, a house-elf popped in and announced that all of their things had been moved up to their room. Harry resisted the urge to go running up the stairs because he knew that it would be a dead giveaway. 

Dumbledore popped in a while later, and announced that he had rescued Arthur, and that he was now in St. Mungos. It was early morning now, and he said they would be able to visit in a few hours. He urged them all to go get a few hours of rest now that they knew Arthur would be alright. 

Finally, Harry was allowed to go upstairs. He waited until Ron left the room to use the bathroom, and dug out his pills. He broke one in half and popped it in his mouth. He also stuffed the rest in different places around his trunk, hoping that if it was searched, Remus and Sirius wouldn’t be able to find any if they were spread out. 

Harry felt a slight wave of relief pass over him. It wasn’t as much as he wanted, but it was better than nothing, and he settled in to sleep. 

The next day passed without him being caught. Hermione joined them at headquarters a few days later. The mood at the flat was subdued. Most days some people went to the hospital to visit Arthur. When Harry went, he was thanked profusely for saving Arthur, even though, in Harry’s opinion, he hadn't done much. 

Harry mostly kept to himself. He wanted to give the Weasley children space. He also knew that the Order was talking about the possibility of him being possessed by Voldemort. He didn’t really care too much. 

He was keeping his secret well. Just a small bit in the morning, noon, and night. He was able to get away with being withdrawn because of the whole Arthur situation. As long as he was somewhat talkative, and he didn’t skip any meals, Sirius and Remus wouldn’t notice. Harry felt so confident that he even upped his dosage a slight amount, closer to what he had been taking at Hogwarts, and over the summer.   

Christmas day passed, and the mood at Grimmauld slowly lightened. It helped when Arthur returned from the hospital. The twins started pulling pranks again, which Sirius and Remus loved. Harry was caught in a prank war between the remaining Marauders and the teenagers. Both sides wanted him on their team, and Harry just played along with both. 

Everything was going fine until Severus Snape showed up towards the end of break. Harry had just taken a pill before breakfast, and was feeling quite good. 

“Potter!” he barked as he entered the dining room. 

“Er, yes?” Harry asked, confused as to why the professor was there when there wasn’t an Order meeting. 

“Professor Dumbledore would like me to relay a message to you,” he said, and strode out of the dining room. Harry rolled his eyes and stood up. Sirius stood and followed as well. 

“Black, this doesn’t concern you,” Snape sneered, “Or you Lupin.”

Harry turned and saw that the werewolf had followed them out as well. 

“Whatever you need to tell me, you can tell them too,” Harry said confidently. Sirius smiled slightly at them. Snape eyed them for a minute. 

“I don’t have the time to argue with you,” Snape said, “We will be starting Occlumency lessons when you return from winter break.”

“Er, what?”

“Occlumency lessons,” Snape repeated. 

“What do you mean ‘we’?” Sirius asked suspiciously. 

“What’s occlumency?” Harry asked, clueless. 

“Potter, do you know anything?” Snape jeered. 

“Do not speak to my godson like that,” Sirius defended. 

“Occlumency is the practice of guarding the mind,” Remus explained calmly. Harry just stared blankly at him. ”It is to protect you from legilimency, the art of looking into another’s mind.”

“Does Dumbledore think someone’s trying to read my mind??” Harry asked, alarmed. 

“Potter, one does not simply read a mind,” Snape said, rolling his eyes, “In any case, can you think of no one who might like to see inside of your head?”

“Voldemort,” Harry said. 

“Don’t say his name!” Snape reprimanded, “But yes, Professor Dumbledore thinks that he may be able to do so through the connection of your scar. He does not think he has attempted it yet, but he might, and you need to be prepared, unless you want to give away all of our secrets.”

“Why would he choose you? Learning occlumency requires trust, and I don’t think Harry trusts you,” Sirius said skeptically.

“I do not question the headmaster,” Snape said. 

“Why does it require trust?” Harry asked, a pit of dread curling in his stomach. 

“Well, if Severus is going to be teaching you, he will need to attempt legilimency on you, and you will not be able to defend at first,” Remus explained. 

“I will be privy to your deepest secrets, in other words,” Snape said, and Harry could feel how much joy the potions master was taking out of this whole situation. Harry felt panic well up in him. He couldn’t let Snape in his head. He would learn that Harry was an addict. That Harry was taking drugs. Would he tell Dumbledore? Or Sirius or Remus?

Fuck. He tried to make his brain think faster through the waves of relaxing buzz his pills were still sending him. 

Fuck. 

“What if I say no?” Harry asked, trying to keep the fear from showing up in his voice or on his face. He felt his breath coming faster and faster. He couldn’t think straight. He had to get out of this. 

“Why Potter? Got a secret?” Snape sneered. 

“Harry, I know what you’re worried about-” Remus started.

“How do we know we can trust you?” Sirius cut in, looking at Snape. 

“Sirius, Dumbledore trusts him,” Remus said. 

“I won’t do it,” Harry said. 

“Potter, what secret could you possibly have that’s worth risking the safety of the entire Wizarding World,” Snape asked exasperatedly. Harry shook his head. 

“There has to be another way,” he said desperately. 

“Harry, it’s not a big deal, he won’t tell anyone,” Remus tried to soothe. Sirius was now looking at Harry closely. 

“I don’t c-care, I don’t trust him, he hates me, he’ll use it against me,” Harry lied. He knew Snape was trustworthy because Harry trusted Dumbledore’s judgment. He just couldn’t have anyone finding out he was still using. 

Remus looked at Sirius for a moment, and Harry felt his panic double. Fuck. They knew. They were going to figure it out in one second if he didn’t allow this. He was trapped either way. 

“Harry, are you keeping something from us?” Remus asked quietly. 

“No!” Harry denied. 

“Are you using again?” Sirius asked bluntly, “Don’t lie to me please.” Harry shook his head, trying to think of an excuse, but he was floundering. He didn’t have the brain capacity at the moment to get out of this questioning. 

Remus approached and took hold of Harry’s chin, forcing him to look up into Remus’s eyes. 

“Are you high right now?” Remus asked, and Harry heard a steely tone coloring the normally calm werewolf’s tone. 

“Potter, you use drugs?” Snape asked in shock. 

“Shut it Snape,” Sirius snapped. 

“I’m not!” Harry denied, wrenching his head away from Remus’s grip. 

“Harry, we know when you’re high! Your eyes aren’t lying to me,” Remus said. Harry could hear the anger that he was holding back. 

“Why did you lie?” Sirius asked, not bothering to hold back his own disappointment. 

“How long has this been going on?” Snape questioned. 

Fuck, Harry was so fucking screwed. He was scared, and he was angry. He needed an escape. 

“Leave me alone! Why don’t you trust me?” Harry asked, trying to change the topic. 

“Because you’re lying!” Sirius exclaimed. 

“I’m fucking fine! I don’t need you controlling my whole fucking life,” Harry yelled and stormed past his godfather to the front door. He needed to get outside right now. The walls felt like they were coming down around him. 

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Sirius demanded, stalking after him. 

“I’m going for a fucking walk to get some air, leave me alone!” Harry thundered as he stormed outside slamming the door. “You can yell at me later!”

“Let him go Sirius, there’s no use talking to him about this when he’s high…” Harry heard Remus as he stalked down the front sidewalk. 

Fuck.

What the fuck was he supposed to do now? 

Harry was sure they were scouring all of his belongings for any drugs that they could find. Luckily, Harry had quite a few pills in his pocket, so they couldn’t get all of it. They were going to be so mad at him. And now Snape knew. Dumbledore was sure to find out. He wouldn’t be able to get away with taking drugs at school anymore, that was for sure. 

Harry stopped walking. 

He had messed up so bad.  He couldn’t be sober. He had tried. At this point Sirius and Remus probably hated him too for fucking up again. 

He looked around and saw he was near a small wooded area. He had been walking for much longer than he had previously thought. He couldn’t do this. He walked into the woods a bit and found a spot by a tree to sit down. He put his hands in his head. He couldn’t. It was too much. 

Fuck fuck fuck. 

He pulled the pills out of his pocket. He stared at them as he hyperventilated. How could such little things fuck up his life so badly? He really just couldn’t deal with this, and he only knew one solution. 

Harry closed his eyes and threw one into his mouth. He swallowed.

He threw back another. 

And then another. 

And another. 

And…

…

…

Ah, there it was. Peace. 

Chapter Text

“I’m going for a fucking walk to get some air, leave me alone!” Harry thundered as he stormed outside slamming the door. “You can yell at me later!”

“Let him go Sirius, there’s no use talking to him about this when he’s high, he isn’t thinking clearly,” Remus suggested as they watched Harry stalk down the sidewalk. 

“Potter’s an addict?” Snape asked. 

“You shut the fuck up about things that you don’t know about!” Sirius snapped, turning his anger on his longtime energy. 

“Does Albus know?” 

“No,” Remus answered with a sigh, “We found out this summer, and he got sober. He’s said that he’s been fine, but apparently he’s been lying.”

Snape nodded. 

Sirius stormed up the stairs, leaving the other two to their conversation. He went to Harry’s room and ripped his trunk open. He summoned the pills and found a lot hidden in various items of his godson’s trunk. He searched the rest of the room, the bathroom, and everywhere else he could think of until he was sure that he had all of them. 

He went back downstairs and saw Remus sitting in the drawing room alone with his head in his hands. 

“Any sign of him?” he asked. Remus shook his head. 

“Severus went back to Hogwarts to get some potions that might help later,” Remus explained. 

“I found these,” Sirius said, dumping the piles of pills on the coffee table. 

“Fuck,” Remus swore, shocking Sirius, because his friend never cursed. 

“I just can’t believe we didn’t notice again,” Sirius said, slumping into an armchair. 

“I had suspicions, but he seemed much more alert than the summer,” Remus said, shaking his head. Sirius nodded in agreement. 

“What do we do?” Sirius asked hopelessly, “We can’t go to Hogwarts and watch him.”

“Severus knows now, he can keep an eye on him. We need to talk to Harry and figure out what’s going on,” Remus said. 

The pair sat in silence staring at the white pills on the table. They heard the Weasley’s finishing up with breakfast, and slid the pills into a small bag to be examined later. 

“Where’s Harry?” Ron asked, coming into the drawing room. 

“He went for a walk,” Sirius said truthfully. 

“Okay, let him know to come see us when he gets back,” Ron said. Sirius knew his godson’s friends were desperate to know what the message from Dumbledore was. “We’ll be upstairs.”

Sirius nodded. 

The pair were left alone again. Almost an hour passed. Unease began to fill Sirius. 

“I have a bad feeling,” Sirius said, “Maybe he got lost.”

Remus nodded, “We should go after him.”

The pair rose, and Sirius transformed into Padfoot. They headed out the front door, and Padfoot used his canine nose to follow Harry’s scent. They walked for ages before coming upon a small wooded area of the neighborhood. Padfoot followed the smell into the woods. He felt his heart stop as he found his godson. 

He quickly transformed back into Sirius, comforted by the covering of the trees. He ran to his godson, who was lying at the base of a tree. 

“Harry?” he asked frantically. He felt Remus next to him grabbing Harry’s wrist and taking his pulse. Harry’s eyes were closed. His lips had a blue tint to them that shook Sirius to his core. 

“Harry, come on, wake up,” he said desperately, shaking his godson slightly. 

“Harry, can you hear us?” Remus asked, concern heavy in his voice. There wasn’t even the slightest of a response from the 15 year old. 

“Fuck Harry what did you do?” Sirius swore, looking around for clues. He saw Harry’s other hand and grabbed it. His godson was still holding a few little white pills in his cold hands. 

“He’s overdosing Sirius,” Remus said. 

“No, no, he can’t.”

“He is, and we need to get him to Madame Pomfrey right now,” Remus said, voice shaking. “I can apparate us to Hogsmeade.”

Remus pulled the motionless Harry into his arms and stood. He turned on the spot and disappeared. Sirius followed a moment later.
As soon as he landed he transformed into Padfoot. Remus ran as fast as he could to the gates of Hogwarts. Padfoot ran ahead barking. He needed to prepare Madame Pomfrey. She knew that he was innocent. He bounded through the Main Entrance. He caught Snape’s attention as he was coming out of the dungeons. 

“Black?” he hissed. Sirius gestured to the front grounds as well as he could as a dog, urging Snape to go out and help. His godson was dying. 

Snape got the message, and hustled out of the castle to help. Sirius continued, running as fast as he could to the hospital wing. It was empty when he arrived. He ran to Madame Pomfrey’s office and transformed, startling the witch. 

“Sirius! You can’t be here! Umbri-” 

“Harry needs help, he’s overdosing!” Sirius cried out. Pomfrey closed the door to her office. 

“What?”

“Harry took a lot of drugs, I don’t know what, he’s overdosing, Remus is running with him now,” Sirius explained as best as he could. 

“Stay in here!” ordered Pomfrey. 

She hustled out of the office, and Sirius ignored her order, transforming into Padfoot, and watched as she began to set up potions and medical equipment as fast as she could. 

The hospital wing doors burst open moments later and Remus ran in carrying Harry. Snape turned and locked the door behind them, ensuring that no one else would be able to get in. 

“Lay him here,” Pomfrey instructed. She began to hook him up to different monitors and monitoring spells immediately. 

Sirius transformed back into himself and crouched near Harry’s head. 

“Come on Harry, don’t do this, stay with us,” he murmured. He couldn’t lose his godson. Harry had so much longer to live. 

Sirius watched, barely breathing as the mediwitch worked. Remus sat on the other side of Harry, whispering to him. Snape stood watch a few feet away, jumping in whenever Pomfrey needed help with something. 

An hour later, after several intense scares where Harry’s heart stopped beating, Pomfrey stopped. 

“That’s all I can do,” she said. 

“Is he going to be okay?” Sirius asked desperately. 

“I don’t know. His brain might have sustained damage. His heart might decide to stop again. He might not wake up,” she admitted, “But I’ve healed all that I could, it’s up to him now. If he makes it through today and tonight, I would say he has a good chance.”

“He’s strong,” Remus murmured. 

Sirius nodded. Harry was strong. But was it enough?

Sirius rubbed his thumb over Harry’s hand. He felt a rough texture and looked down to see cuts on his godson’s hand. He looked more closely to see that they were healing. 

I must not tell lies. 

“What is this?” he growled. 

“What?” Remus asked. Sirius gestured to Harry’s hand. 

“May I take a look?” Snape asked, more polite than Sirius had ever heard him. 

Sirius nodded. Snape looked for a long moment. 

“I had heard rumors,” Snape sighed. 

“What?” Sirius demanded. 

“There have been rumors circling the students that Umbridge has been implementing rather crude methods of punishments,” Snape admitted, “Blood quills for hours apparently.”

“Why haven’t you done anything??” Sirius asked angrily. 

“There was no proof. My house does not receive detention from her, and no one else has stepped forward. Besides, you know how dramatic students are,” he explained. 

“How often has Harry had detention with her?” Remus asked. 

“I’ve heard he has detention most nights during the week, it makes it rather difficult to schedule in my own punishments for his misbehavior in my class.” Snape said. 

“She’s torturing him every night, why didn’t he say anything?” Sirius asked helplessly. 

“For the same reason he didn’t tell us he was using, he isn’t used to relying on other people,” Remus said sadly. 

“Are you able to tell how long he’s been using?” Sirius asked Madame Pomfrey, who was clearing away empty potions bottles. 

“It’s hard to say, I can only tell if he has more than a few weeks worth of build up in his system, which he does. He’s been using for probably more than two or three weeks,” Madame Pomfrey answered.

“Do you think he started using right away when he got to school?” Sirius asked. He really hoped his godson had at least tried to stay sober. 

“Where is he getting it from?” Remus asked. 

“If I may,” Snape cut in, “I noticed a change in Potter’s behavior about two months ago. Before, he seemed on edge and anxious most of the time. Then he seemed to relax, and care much less about anything. I had put it down to normal teenage laziness, but now, it could have been when he began using again.”

“That means he would have stayed sober for almost two months,” Remus commented. 

“Why didn’t he tell us? He never said he was struggling in any of his letters,” Sirius said, putting his head in his hands. 

No one seemed to have an answer to that. The group sat in silence around the bed, praying that the troubled boy would live to see another day. 

The first thing he registered was how sore he was. Harry shifted slightly and groaned as his muscles protested at the small movement. 

“Harry?” he heard from far away to the left. He felt like he was underwater. He tried to open his eyelids but immediately snapped them shut when he felt the bright lights burning his eyes.

Someone was holding his hand, and gave it a slight squeeze.

“Harry, can you open your eyes?” he heard again. The fog in his head had lessened slightly, and the person seemed closer, and more familiar. 

“Can we dim the lights?” he heard someone ask from his right. Harry felt the harsh light diminish, and he slowly cracked open his eyes again. 

The room swam into focus as someone placed his glasses upon his nose. 

He blinked and looked around, and noticed that he was in the hospital wing. 

The voice on his left spoke again. Harry shifted his eyes lazily to the side and tried to focus on what he was saying. 

“How are you feeling Harry?” he asked. Harry recognized that it was his godfather, Sirius.

Harry tried to remember why his godfather would be asking him about how he was feeling. Something must have happened. His thoughts were moving slowly as he tried to figure out the last thing he remembered. 

Sirius shot a glance at someone to Harry’s right. Harry followed his gaze and saw Remus sitting next to him. Harry noticed the werewolf looked immensely concerned about something. 

“Harry, can you understand us?” Sirius asked slowly. Harry looked back to him and nodded sluggishly. Brief relief passed over the man’s face before concern overtook it. 

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but only a croak came out. 

Remus reached for the bedside table and offered Harry a cup of water with a straw. Harry struggled to sit up, and Sirius helped him adjust so that he was upright against the pillow. Remus held the cup to Harry’s lips as he took a long sip. 

Harry cleared his throat a few times before attempting to speak again. 

“What happened?” he asked. He was surprised by how slurred and tired his words sounded.

“You don’t remember?” Sirius asked, glancing at Remus in concern again. Harry shook his head slightly, and grimaced. His head was beginning to pound, and the movement did not help. 

“Do you remember talking with Professor Snape? At Grimmauld?” Remus asked.

Why would he have been talking to Snape? Had Dumbledore sent him? Yes, that felt right. Why, though?

Harry searched his memories. He had been at Grimmauld. Snape had come. He wanted to teach Harry something. 

Oh.

Shit.

Harry suddenly remembered the conversation with his potions professor and how it led to Sirius and Remus finding out that he was using. He remembered storming out of the house and walking to the park. He had sat down at the base of a tree. He remembered feeling panicked and overwhelmed. And then he felt overcome with euphoria that only came from his beloved high. And then he felt nothing. 

“Um,” he floundered. He felt the pressure of their eyes on him, expecting an answer, and explanation. He was dimly aware of his panic rising up, but it was muted by the fog that had settled over his brain, making it hard to think. On top of it all, his head was aching quite badly now. 

“Do you remember talking to Professor Snape?” Remus repeated gently. Harry nodded slowly, tensing as he anticipated their anger at what had happened next. 

“Do you remember our… conversation afterwards?” Remus asked, still quiet and patient. Harry nervously looked over at Sirius and then down at the bed sheets. He nodded once. He kept his eyes trained on the white blanket as uncomfortable silence filled the air. 

“And where did you go after that?” Sirius asked. 

Harry hesitated. “I went outside,” he croaked. 

“You did,” Remus nodded. The pair looked at him, waiting for him to continue. Harry knew he must have gotten high, really high if he couldn’t remember anything. But he didn’t know what had happened. He didn’t know what could have caused him to end up in the hospital wing. All he remembered was overwhelming panic and a desperate need to escape.

“I don’t…” Harry said helplessly, trying to convey his confusion. 

“You overdosed, Harry,” Sirius said finally. 

Harry stared at his godfather. 

What?

He couldn’t have overdosed. He knew how much to take, and he had it under control. He wasn’t stupid. 

“You nearly died,” Sirius continued, anger coloring his voice, “You did die actually, your heart stopped several times.”

Harry looked at Remus who only nodded in confirmation. 

“Were you trying to kill yourself??” Sirius asked. 

“N-no, I don’t remember,” Harry stammered, “I wouldn’t have, no.”

Harry was sure he didn’t try to kill himself. He wasn’t suicidal. He didn’t love being alive, but he would never end his own life. He knew that it would affect too many people, and cause too many problems. 

“Then what were you trying to do?” Sirius demanded.

Harry flinched back from the angry man, “I-I don’t know, I’m s-sorry.”

“Sirius,” Remus warned. Sirius took a deep breath and looked away. 

“How are you feeling right now Harry?” Remus asked, changing the topic. “Madame Pomfrey said you might feel confused and sluggish, and that you might feel sore with a headache and other withdrawal symptoms, though you slept through what would have been the worst of it.”

Harry nodded. That sounded exactly like how he was feeling. 

“How long?” he asked. 

“You were asleep for a few days,” Remus explained, “You’re going to be taking it easy for a little while.”

Harry nodded. Uncomfortable silence filled the air once again and Harry looked down at the blanket. He knew they were going to make him talk about it. He just really didn’t want to. He felt guilty about using, and he was angry that they found out. 

He could feel the older men exchanging glances above his head. 

“Harry… we need to talk about this,” Remus finally said. Harry slumped farther down against the pillow. 

“Why did you start using again? When?” Sirius asked. Harry just shook his head slightly. He felt so embarrassed. He was weak, he couldn’t be sober, he couldn’t deal with it, and he had let everyone down. He was supposed to be the Boy-Who-Lived, the hero, and he couldn’t even get through the day without a fix. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, still avoiding eye contact. He felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes and he forced them away. 

“Why are you sorry?” Remus asked quietly. 

Harry played with the blanket in his hands nervously. “I messed up,” he whispered, “I thought…I thought I could control it, I thought it was under control, I never meant t-to-, and I just didn’t want to let you down, but I c-can’t, I can’t-”

Harry broke off as tears welled up in his eyes again, spilling out before he could stop them. All of sudden, Harry could no longer hold back the fear and guilt that had been threatening to overwhelm him for months. Remus moved forward and sat next to him on the bed, and pulled him into his arms. Harry buried his head in Remus’s shoulder, muffling his sobs as the older man held him. 

“I’m not going to lie to you and say that we’re not a little upset and confused. We’re worried about you, and we don’t know why you didn’t come to us with this. You broke our trust and you are going to have to work to regain it. But,” Remus took a breath, “We are here for you. We want to help you. You are not alone in this. We love you, and we will never ever leave you. We will get you through this. You just have to let us help.”

Harry nodded as his crying slowed down a little bit. He felt Sirius sit with them on the bed and join the embrace. 

“We are here for you Harry, and we’re not going anywhere,” he said, stroking Harry’s hair. 

Harry spent the next few days in the hospital wing. He had to go through withdrawal the slow way this time, though he had missed the worst of it while he was unconscious. Harry was shaken by the fact that he had nearly died. It made him realize how far he had fallen again, and how much his addiction had gotten away from him. 

Sirius and Remus made him talk about everything. When he wasn’t throwing up, or sleeping, they were asking him questions. They talked about why he had started using again. They were impressed that when he had found the pills, he had been able to hold out for so long before taking them. They were disappointed that he hadn’t come to them for help. 

Harry confided that he felt like he wouldn’t be able to tell them that he was struggling without feeling like a failure, and they assured him that everyone had struggles, and they wouldn’t ever think that he was a failure. They hardly ever left him alone, and Harry appreciated it. Though he was reluctant to talk at first, once he started talking, he couldn’t stop. Sometimes he would talk to them about how much pressure he felt like he was under with Voldemort. Sometimes he would just talk to them about his friends. He even mentioned how much he hated going home to the Dursleys. Finally, they made him talk about his detentions with Umbridge. 

“Why didn't you tell anyone that she was hurting you?” Sirius asked as he sat next to Harry. He shrugged.

“I guess I just felt like there were bigger problems,” he mumbled, “And it wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“It’s torture, and abuse of power,” Remus said, “It’s a huge deal. No one should ever hurt you like that.”

“We told Dumbledore, and he’s found some other students to come forward about it, he’s taking their testimonies to the Ministry, and she should be fired,” Remus explained. 

“Won’t the MInistry just send someone else just as bad?” Harry asked.

“No, Dumbledore has asked me to cover the rest of the year,” Remus said with a small smile.

“But…” Harry let his question go unasked, but Remus explained anyway.

“When it gets out that a ministry employee was using a blood quill on students, most people won’t care about me being a werewolf. I’m only here for the rest of this year,” Remus explained.

“And the students have nothing but good things to say about his teaching, which helps,” Sirius added with a smile. 

“And this means I’ll be here, to keep an eye on you,”  Remus added seriously. Harry nodded. 

“I’ll be here too, safely hidden away in his quarters,” Sirius added, “You’re going to come talk to us everyday.”

Harry nodded again. He knew he had broken their trust, and that he was going to have to try really hard to get it back. Truthfully, he was grateful they were holding him accountable. He couldn’t deny that his body was craving to use again. He didn’t even trust himself. He didn’t want to start the whole cycle again. 

He was scared to leave the hospital wing. Here, he was safe from himself and his addiction. There were no temptations. There was also no one to hide from. Sirius and Remus knew everything. 

His friends didn’t know, but they would soon. Sirius had convinced him to tell Ron and Hermione about his addiction, so that they could help to give him support. Harry was nervous about it, but they promised to stick by his side and help him explain it to his friends. 

They decided to tell them the day that he left the hospital wing. 

Ron and Hermione came in after breakfast before their classes. 

“Oh Harry, there you are!” Hermione exclaimed, “Are you okay? It's been almost a week, I’ve been taking notes for you. It shouldn’t be too hard to catch up-”

“Thanks ‘Mione,” Harry interrupted, “And I’m okay.”

“What happened mate?” Ron asked. Harry glanced at Sirius and Remus who nodded at him reassuringly. 

“Um, okay, so do you remember when I was sick this past summer?” Harry asked nervously. His friends nodded. He could see Hermione fighting the urge to ask several questions. 

“Yeah, so, I wasn’t sick,” he said and took a shaky breath, “I, um, well, I was actually going through withdrawal.”

There was silence. 

“WIthdrawal from what?” Hermione asked, “Like… a potion or something?”

Harry shook his head. 

“No, more like… drugs,” Harry said. 

“Drugs?” Ron asked.

“I don’t understand,” Hermione said. 

“This summer, I had a tough time… dealing with everything. I started using a few different types of things that I shouldn’t have, and I got, well, basically, I got addicted…” Harry trailed off, looking down at his hands. He took a deep breath, “And then Remus and Sirius found out, and they helped me out, and I got sober.”

His friends didn’t say anything right away. Hermione looked at him thoughtfully. 

“So why are you here now?” she asked, glancing at Remus and Sirius. 

“It’s because you started… doing it again isn’t it?” Ron asked, “A few months ago. That’s why you started acting differently.”

Harry nodded. 

“Yeah, um, I couldn’t- well, I didn’t stay sober, and they found out while we were at Grimmauld again, and we had an argument, and… and,” Harry suddenly couldn’t bring himself to say the rest to his friends. 

“And what?” Hermione prompted. Harry looked at Remus and Sirius for help. 

“Harry overdosed,” Remus explained gently, “We found him, and brought him to Madame Pomfrey, and she fixed him up.”

“Are you okay? You are okay, right?” Hermione asked quickly. 

“Yeah, I’m okay, they’ve been helping me,” Harry said. 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Ron asked. 

“At first, I was embarrassed I guess,” Harry admitted, “And then, when I started using again, it was easier to hide it if you didn’t know.”

“Which is why he is telling you now,” Remus explained, “This way, if he’s struggling he can let you know, or you might be able to notice, especially if he isn’t around us much that day. Although, he’s supposed to come to us if he’s struggling, so please encourage him to do that.”

Hermione and Ron nodded. 

“But how will he talk to you if you aren’t here?” Hermione asked. Remus smiled.

“Well, it seems you are in need of a temporary Defense professor, and Dumbledore has asked me to fill in,” Remus explained.

“What about the toad?” Ron asked.

“She’s gone,” Sirius said with a mischievous smile.

“Gone?” Ron asked in wonder.

“Gone.” Sirius confirmed. 

“Blimey, that’s wonderful!” Ron exclaimed. Harry nodded with a small smile. He was relieved that his friends seemed supportive, and that they weren’t judging him for his mistakes. 

Later that day, he left the hospital wing and returned to the dormitories. As the weeks passed, he found it much easier to stay sober than the first time. He talked to Remus and Sirius everyday, and his friends always kept an eye on him. 

He still had cravings almost everyday. Most of the time he could ignore it. Sometimes though, it was bad, and he had to stop himself from seeking out the two Ravenclaws that he knew had exactly what he wanted. 

On one Wednesday night in April, he was sitting at the fireplace in the common room. Hermione was in the library, and Ron was upstairs showering. Harry was alone, and struggling. His hands were shaking as his body craved a fix desperately. He was sweaty and he was panicking. He was seconds away from going to pound on the door of the Ravenclaw common room. 

No. You won’t do this again.

Harry sat there for a few minutes before jumping up and heading out of the common room. His body fought itself as half of him wanted to head to the Ravenclaw tower, and the other half wanted to go to Remus’s quarters. 

Eventually, he wound up outside of Remus’s door. With a shaking hand, he knocked on the door. He waited a couple of seconds before the door swung open. 

“Harry,” Remus smiled, before his face fell as he took in the state of the teenager, “What’s wrong?” 

“I’m just, I didn’t want to use, and I almost did, and I didn’t know what to do-” Harry rambled, “But I want to, it’s bad, I’m not in control, and-”

“You made the right decision in coming here, come in,” Remus ushered him in. “Sirius, it’s Harry, you can come out.”

Sirius came out of the bedroom. 

“What’s up Harry?” he asked in concern. Harry just shook his head. His body hurt, and he was shaking like a leaf. All he wanted was a fix and he almost regretted coming here because he knew he wouldn’t be able to get away now. 

“He’s craving pretty badly I think,” Remus explained, helping him sit on a couch, “I’ll make some hot chocolate.”

Sirius sat next to Harry on the couch. 

“Did anything cause this?” Sirius asked quietly. Harry shook his head, and then stopped and nodded.

“I-I ran into the guy who used to give me my stuff,” Harry explained. He mostly avoided Terry, but every once in a while he saw him. Today, he had come around the corner and ran straight into him. Terry had tried to start a conversation, but luckily Ron and Hermione were there, and they helped him get away without making it weird. He had brushed them off, saying he was fine. And he had been. Truly. But an hour ago, the cravings had hit him in full force. 

“I see,” Sirius said in understanding.

“I didn’t take anything from him, it's just, I could have, and I… I don’t trust myself,” Harry said. 

“Hey, stop that,” Sirius said, grabbing his hands. Harry looked down and saw that his arms were red with angry scratch marks.  

“Oh, I didn’t realize…” Harry said weakly.

“It’s okay, here,” Remus said, handing him a warm mug. “We’re very proud of you for coming here when you know that you need help.”

“That’s a big step,” Sirius agreed, “And we’re proud of you for not taking anything from him.”

“I almost went to find my old dealers instead of coming here tonight,” Harry protested, “I didn’t even know which one I was going to until I was at your door.”

He didn’t want them to tell him they were proud. He almost failed. He wanted drugs. He wanted them so badly that he physically hurt. He didn’t deserve their pride. 

“But you didn’t do it,” Remus argued, “You came here.”

“Let’s do something to get your mind off of it,” Sirius suggested, “Do you feel up to chess?”

Inwardly, Harry did not want to play chess, but he gave it a try. It helped a little bit, but he was having a hard time concentrating, so he lost, even though Sirius took it easy on him. 

Then they made him a bath, which he soaked in for a bit, which helped his aches a bit. He came out and saw that the living room had been transformed. There were pillows and blankets all over the floor. The ceiling had been transformed into a night sky. 

“Um, what?” he asked.

“We’re having a camping night,” Sirius said excitedly. 

“Camping?”

“You know, like the muggles do, outside, but we’re inside, so it’s better,” he explained. Harry nodded, amused. Sometimes his godfather was just a big kid. 

They all laid down and snuggled into the blankets, and to Harry’s surprise, he fell asleep quickly. The next morning, his cravings were gone, and he was so glad that he hadn’t caved into them the night before. 

The rest of the school year passed like that. When he was craving badly, he would go to see Remus and Sirius. Sometimes Ron and Hermione came with him and they all played games together. 

They also decided that Harry was going to stay with Remus and Sirius that summer. Remus explained his situation, with Harry’s permission, to Dumbledore, who reluctantly agreed. Harry was looking forward to summer for the first time since coming to Hogwarts. 

As O.W.Ls approached, Remus and Sirius helped him study. Harry found it to be very helpful, as Remus was a professor, and Sirius was a talented wizard as well. He loved spending time with them. The Marauders were hilarious and energetic. They also told him a lot of stories about his parents. It was also nice to have someone in his corner when the rest of the school and Wizarding world was convinced that he was an attention-seeking liar. Remus and Sirius believed him. They kept him feeling calm, and as stress-free as he could be with the upcoming exams. 

Exam week was going well until the morning of his History of Magic exam. Harry woke up late with his scar aching fiercely. He didn’t have time to visit Remus’s quarters that morning, so he resolved to tell them about it later. He hurried down to breakfast and grabbed a piece of toast before rushing to his exam. 

Harry tried to focus on the exam, but his scar was pounding, and he was struggling to even read the words on the page in front of him. Suddenly, he was sucked into an intense vision and saw that somehow, Voldemort had Sirius in the Ministry of Magic and was torturing him. 

Harry gasped as he shot upright in his desk. He hurried out of the classroom without explanation, ignoring the exam proctor's concern.

He ran as fast as he could through the halls to Remus’s quarters. His heart was pounding and the only thing that was going through his mind was

Save Sirius. 

He skidded to a stop in front of the door and pounded his fist on it. 

He waited impatiently for Remus to open the door. 

“Harry, did your exam get done early?” the man asked kindly as the door opened. 

“Sirius,” Harry gasped out, still breathing heavily from his run and his overwhelming panic. 

“What? Harry, are you alright?” Remus asked in concern, ushering him in. 

“Voldemort has him,” Harry tried to explain, desperate to make Remus understand, there was no time to waste. 

“No he doesn’t, why do you say that?” Remus asked, alarmed. 

“I saw it, I had a vision-”

“What’s going on here?’ Harry heard from behind him. He spun around and saw his godfather walking out of Remus’s bedroom. 

“What? How? I saw…” Harry trailed off in confusion. He still wasn’t convinced that the danger had passed. 

“Harry had a vision of you being taken by Voldemort, I think,” Remus explained. 

“He had you, he was torturing you,” Harry said in a panic. 

“Harry, I promise I’m okay, where did he have me?”  Sirius asked calmly as he pulled Harry into a quick hug. 

“I didn’t recognize it, but he said it was in the Department of Mysteries in the Ministry. He said I had to come get you or he would…” Harry trailed off, unable to voice the terrible threat out loud. 

Remus and Sirius paled, and looked at each other. 

“What did it look like?” Remus asked, “The room where you were, what did it look like?”

“It was strange, there were these glowing orbs on shelves,” Harry explained, “There were so many of them.”

“Go tell Dumbledore,” Sirius said quietly. Remus nodded and headed to the fireplace. 

“What’s going on?” Harry asked. 

Sirius hesitated for a moment, “We’ve been keeping an eye on that room for a few months now, we suspected that he might try to go there. We didn’t think that he would try to lure you there though, instead of going himself.”

“What’s there? Why would he lure me there?” Harry said. 

“I don’t know what I’m allowed to say,” Sirius admitted,  “But, there’s something there that he wants, and only you or him could pick it up. It’s what Arthur was guarding when he got attacked.”

“But what is it?” Harry asked, “And how did he show me that he had you there? If he was there, why couldn’t he pick it up?”

Harry knew he was scratching at his hands again, but this whole situation was stressing him out and his mind kept wandering back to the only thing that he knew would calm him down. 

Sirius started to respond, but Remus returned from the fireplace. 

“Dumbledore is calling an emergency Order meeting now. He thinks that Voldemort was trying to lure Harry into a trap so that he wouldn’t get caught. We’ll have a few hours, but Albus thinks that this is a good opportunity to get some Death Eaters to prove that Voldemort has returned,” Remus explained, “We have to go.”

“Wait!” Harry cried, “What is it that he wants? Why does it involve me?”

“We don’t have time to explain it right now, but I promise, when we get back we will tell you everything, I don’t care what Dumbledore says,” Sirius said.

“I agree,”  nodded Remus, “But what’s important is that you stay in the castle. He cannot get to you here. No matter what you hear, no matter what happens, or what visions he might send you, do not leave. He’s trying to get you to leave the castle, do not fall for his trap. I’m not sure when we’ll be back, but probably within a few hours, are you going to be okay until then?”

“Yeah,” Harry lied. He was not okay at all. He was confused and stressed. But this was important. The Order had a chance and they needed to take it.  “Are you going to be safe?”

“Yes, I think so,” Remus said, “We will take every precaution, and he doesn’t know it’s going to be the Order showing up instead of you.”

Harry nodded uneasily. 

“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” Sirius said, placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder, “We’ll be back soon, you just need to stay here.”

Harry nodded again. Both men gave him a quick hug before stepping through the fireplace. 

Then Harry was alone. He looked around Remus’s quarters. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to know what Voldemort was doing, and why it involved him, but he knew he would only get in the way. Part of him felt guilty for believing the vision, and another part of him felt guilty, because he felt like he had sent the Order into a dangerous situation, and he wasn’t even helping. He knew Voldemort wanted to kill him. Now, several members of the Order could get killed instead. 

Harry wished that he would have just gone to the Ministry by himself, that way no one else could get hurt for him. He didn’t want to add another person to the list of those who had already died because of him. He knew if he went alone, he would probably die. But then his friends would be safe. Dumbledore would deal with Voldemort, and Remus and Sirius and Hermione and Ron and so many more people would be safe because Harry wasn’t around to put them in danger anymore. 

Harry’s hands were shaking and he was itching for just one little pill to take the edge off of all of this stress. Maybe he could go get some pills, go to the Ministry, and let Voldemort finish him off before the Order could even get there. Then everyone would be safe. But Remus and Sirius would be so angry. He couldn’t disobey them like that. He was overthinking. They knew what they were doing, and everything was going to be okay.

He sighed and headed back to his dormitory to try to work on some homework and distract himself for a while. He knew his friends would be finishing with their exams soon, and he was hoping that when they came back, he wouldn’t be able to make any bad decisions. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to concentrate on homework at all. As much as he tried, he wasn’t able to stop his mind from spinning into scary directions. All he could think is that if he was out of the way, no one else would get hurt. And honestly, all of the people in danger were better than he was anyway. 

Harry stood up abruptly and strode out of the common room. He needed air. He needed to go to the Astronomy tower to think. He walked quickly through the castle trying to quiet his dangerous thoughts to no avail. 

He finally reached the cool air and took a deep breath. He placed his hands on the balcony edge to steady himself. 

“Potter.”

No. 

No. 

Not now. Not when he was trying so hard. 

Harry turned slowly and raised his eyes past the blue tie on the older boy. He met his eyes, both feeling a sick intense excitement and overwhelming dread and guilt. 

“Looks like you could use something to help you out,” the familiar Ravenclaw drawled with a smirk, “Lucky for you, I got your favorite, right here.”

Harry stared. He cleared his throat. He summoned his determination. 

“I haven’t got any coins on me,” he said, shaking his head, even as his body begged him to accept the offer. He wouldn’t do this now. Not while Remus and Sirius were in danger because of him. 

“Eh, take it, you need it more than I do,” the boy said, striding forward and taking Harry’s hands, folding the pills in, “You can pay me a little extra for the next batch.”

With that, he strode out of the tower, leaving Harry alone, holding his biggest weakness, completely frozen. 

His body was screaming at him to say fuck it, and take it without a second thought. His mind was screaming at him to throw it off the tower quickly, before he could give into the temptation. 

Harry started to shake and tears came to his eyes. He couldn’t deal with this. He wasn’t strong enough to resist, and he also wasn’t strong enough to deal with everyone’s disappointment in him again. The entire Order was risking their lives for him and here he was, debating getting high. He was horrible. He should just pitch himself off of the Astronomy tower and be done with it all. His eyes flickered to the pills in his hand, and then to the balcony ledge. Tears finally escaped from his eyes and slipped down his cheeks. 

Remus sighed as Madame Pomfrey finished wrapping his wrist. The Order had made it out of the battle relatively unscathed, due to their element of surprise. The Death Eaters had been completely unprepared and their master had not made an appearance. 

Luckily, they managed to capture a good amount of them, though Bellatrix had still managed to get away, and the Minister had been forced to see the truth that had been in front of him all year. Voldemort had returned. 

“You’re getting old Moony,” Sirius teased as Remus stood up. Remus chuckled. He had hurt his wrist when he had tripped dodging a curse from Lucius Malfoy. When he caught himself, he had heard a bone crack. It was embarrassing, but at least that had been his only injury. Sirius had only had a small cut on the side of his face that had been healed already. 

Sirius transformed into Padfoot and the two walked out of the hospital wing and headed back to his quarters. Remus was extremely worried about Harry now that the excitement was done. 

When they got to his rooms, they found them empty. 

“He’s probably with Ron and Hermione in the common room,” Sirius reasoned, “He wouldn’t have wanted to sit here all alone.”

Remus nodded, though unease coiled in his stomach. He headed to the Gryffindor common room with Padfoot. He poked his head in the portrait door. He saw Ron and Hermione, but not Harry. They caught his eye and came to join him in the hallway. 

“Where’s Harry?” Remus asked. 

“We thought he was with you,” Ron answered. Padfoot whined in concern.

“We haven’t seen him since he left the History of Magic exam,” Hermione added. “Is he alright?”

“We’re not sure. Ron, could you go see if he left the map upstairs?” Remus asked. Ron nodded, and raced inside. WIthin a few minutes he was back, panting and holding out the map to Remus. 

“He’s on the Astronomy tower,” Remus observed, “We’ll go get him.”

“Should we come?” Hermione asked worriedly. 

“I think it would be better if you stayed here,” Remus said. Padfoot yipped his agreement. The pair looked unhappy, but didn’t argue. Remus bid them goodbye and hurried off to the tower. 

The walk there seemed endless, though they made it in record time. When they finally climbed up the last bit of stairs, Remus felt his heart drop into his stomach. 

Harry was there. He was sitting on the farthest edge of the balcony railing, looking down at the grounds far below. It was almost dark now and it was cold. Harry wasn’t wearing a jacket of any sort. He had his arms wrapped around his torso as his legs dangled dangerously. 

“Harry,” Remus said cautiously, trying not to startle the teen, not wanting him to fall. Padfoot transformed back into Sirius. Harry didn’t respond. 

“Harry,” Remus called again, approaching slowly. As he got closer, he saw tear tracks on the boy’s face and saw how tightly clenched his fists were. 

“Harry, can you get down from there?” Sirius asked gently, though Remus could hear his voice shake slightly. 

“Are you okay? Is everyone okay?” Harry asked in a quiet, hoarse voice. 

“Everyone’s fine Harry, we’re okay,” Remus assured him. 

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispered. Remus kept approaching him, now almost close enough to be able to stop him if he started to fall. Almost. 

“For what Harry?” Remus asked. 

“I keep putting you in danger, you, and everyone around me,” Harry explained, fresh tears making an appearance. 

“No Harry, you don’t.” Sirius argued, “it’s not your fault.”

“It isn’t. Can we talk about this inside?” Remus asked. His heart was pounding as he watched his friend’s son sit so close to the ledge. 

“I don’t want to go inside,” Harry said, shaking his head, causing his whole body to move with him. Remus felt his heart stop for a second as Harry shifted even closer to the edge. 

“Okay, okay, that’s fine, can you just come down from there?” Sirius compromised. Harry very slowly swung his legs to the other side and slid onto the safe ground of the Astronomy Tower. 

“Thank you,” Remus said, finally feeling like he could take a breath of relief. Harry suddenly looked angry. 

“I don’t know why you both always think I’m going to kill myself!” he said, stalking away from them to the other wall, “I’m not going to, even if I should!”

“What do you mean by that?” Sirius asked, sharing a glance with Remus. 

“If I was dead, none of you would be in danger. If I was never born, Mum and Dad would still be alive. And Cedric,” Harry said, clenching his fists and looking at the ground. 

“This isn’t your fault Harry,” Remus said, repeating Sirius’s earlier words, “The blame lies only with Voldemort.”

Harry let out a deflated sigh and leaned back against the stone wall. He tipped his head back and looked up at the sky. 

“What are you thinking right now?” Remus asked. He wanted to go hug the teen, but Harry had made it pretty clear that he needed some distance. 

“I’m thinking that I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve people like you to protect me, to put yourselves in danger because of me. You can say it’s his fault, but being around me is still dangerous. You shouldn’t be risking yourselves for me, I’m not worth it,” Harry mumbled, closing his eyes. 

“I disagree. You are an incredible young man. You deserve all of the protection in the world. You are so strong, and you’ve had to face so much, but you don’t give up.  I know everyday is a fight for you, but you’re doing it, you’re getting through it,” Remus said softly. 

“We’re so proud of you,” Sirius said in agreement. 

“You shouldn’t be,” Harry said. He let out a dry laugh. “You really shouldn’t be.”

Remus and Sirius shared a confused glance. 

Harry continued, “If I was strong, I wouldn’t still be holding on to these.”

Harry opened his hand for the first time, and Remus’s breath caught when he saw four little white pills. 

“I should’ve just thrown them off the tower. Two hours ago.” Harry said, and Remus saw another set of tears making their way down his face, “But I didn’t. I want to take them. I could take them right now and no one could stop me,” he said, holding them close to his face. 

“Don’t do this Harry, drop them,” Sirius ordered. His voice was cold, but Remus knew that his friend was afraid. They didn’t want to watch their godson lose all of his progress right in front of them. 

“I want them so bad,” Harry whispered, shaking now. “I need them, and I’m horrible for it.”

“No Harry, you are not horrible, and you don’t need them, please, give them to me, or throw them,” Remus pleaded. 

Harry made a strangled sobbing noise as he looked at the pills in his hand. Remus’s heart was in his throat as he prayed for Harry to make the right decision. Harry had been right. They weren’t close enough to stop him. If they moved suddenly now, he was sure Harry would take the pills. It was up to Harry to stop himself. 

Harry felt dizzy as he looked at the little white pills in his hand. His relief would come from them. Everything would be okay just for a little bit if he took them. He would get some peace, and get to relax and not think. 

Merlin, he wanted that. He needed that. 

But then it would end. And afterwards, he would hate himself. Sirius and Remus would probably hate him too. They would be so disappointed. 

But the high would be so good. 

Harry’s breath was coming fast and he could feel tears rolling down his cheeks. He closed his eyes and moved his hand out in front of him. 

“Please,” his voice cracked, “Take them away from me.”

He felt Remus and Sirius rush forward, and uncurl his fingers from the pills. Harry’s knees gave out and he slid down against the wall, sobbing. 

“I’m sorry,” he tried to say. 

“Shh, you’re okay, we’ve got you,” Remus whispered, and Harry felt himself being pulled into a hug. He buried his head into Sirius’s shoulder as Remus rubbed his back. Sirius stroked his hair and rocked him slightly. 

“You made the right decision, and we are proud of you,” Sirius said quietly. Harry just tightened his grip on his godfather. 

The group sat huddled on the tower for a long time. Harry felt too fragile and raw to let go of them. Sirius and Remus were too relieved to let go of him. 

Eventually, they got up slowly, and headed down to Remus’s room. Remus and Sirius made hot chocolate and explained to Harry what had happened at the Ministry, and what Voldemort had wanted in the first place. They explained the prophecy, though they assured Harry that he was not alone, and would not be forced to do anything by himself, no matter what Dumbledore might think. 

Harry then explained to them why he had been so freaked out, and what had happened on his end after they left. The conversation ended in more tears, and more reassurances that everything was going to be okay. And Harry did believe them. With their support, he knew that he could stay sober. He would go through rough patches, and he might slip up, but at the end of the day, for the first time, he truly knew that Sirius and Remus would always be there for him. Everything was going to be okay. He just had to take it one day at a time.