Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Oh yeah Buck? You like that Redwing up there?” asked Sam Wilson (AKA Falcon).

“Oh Sam!...,” cooed James Buchanon “Bucky” Barnes (AKA The Winter Soldier).

The couple were fucking at a secluded nude beach just outside of Honolulu. It was the fifth sunset fucking of the week, a vacation all at the dime of genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist Tony Stark. And they were just getting started….

“Oh gosh, I think I could take a wing!” Bucky continued to moan.

“Alright, alright, just one second,” Sam replied. He then got up, put his swim trunks back on, and walked to the parking lot, to the truck where his famed bionic wings were stored. He was just about to get to it, when an odd, transparent yellow rectangular prism appeared out of thin air. A greasy, green-clothed man with golden horns and an old bald man in a yellow wheelchair who reminded Sam of Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation exitted the prism and approached Sam with haste. A few seconds later, Sam suddenly recognized the first man to be Loki–a man who previously attempted to take over the Earth a dozen years ago and was two out of the big three (aliens, androids, and wizards)!

“Woah there Loki. What kind of trouble are you looking to cause here?” asked Sam.

“No trouble Sam, those days are behind me…,” Loki replied.

“...Like I believe that…,” Sam mumbled.

“Plus I’ve got this old fart looking after me, Charles Xavier, the leader of the X-Men and the Illuminati, and recently elected leader of the newly democratized TVA! He’s pulled me out of many a rut in the timeline (and has pulled me out in a number of other ways, if you know what I mean),” said Loki.

“Those were different times, when I was a different man,” remarked Charles Xavier (AKA Professor X).

“Yes, and now look at you, not even a century old and I have to wheel you around everywhere,” said Loki.

“And you’re spry for an older fellow,” replied Charles.

“At any rate, we came here, because we need you Sam. The fate of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, nay, the Marvel Cinematic Multiverse is at stake! And you are the only man for the job.”

Sam, flustered, continued to think on his feet and replied, “Well, uh… can’t you get some other man or woman for the job? I kinda got a thing going on right now with Bucky.”

Loki laughed, “Oh, I’m well aware. But that’s beside the point. Actually, you may want to utilize those superpowers of seduction.”

Sam glared at Loki, “My what?”

“Most of all, we will need to use your powers of mediation and compassion to solve this particular problem. Just like you recently talked down two of Steve Roger’s scorned lovers, Sharon Carter (AKA Agent 13/the Power Broker) and Bucky, from battling each other to a pulp at that madhouse of a wedding!” said Loki enthusiastically.

“But..., why me? Isn’t there anyone else in the multiverse?” asked Sam.

“I’m afraid not,” Charles replied. “You see, the person from whom you must save the multiverse Sam, is none other than Steve Rogers, AKA the Captain of America, the U.S. of A., the star spangled man with a plan!”

Sam’s eyes widened.

Loki said, “Look, I know this is all confusing for such an Earthly being as yourself, so why don’t you just come to the TVA with us and see for yourself?”

Sam simply still stood apprehensively.

“Or, I could just mind control you into coming with us,” said Charles.

“Well, it doesn’t look like I have much of a choice…. Can I at least put some real clothes on?” asked Sam.

“Just walk into the portal!” said Loki.

“Okay, okay! Goddamn it….” said Sam, and the three of them went into the prism, which vanished behind them.

Towards the shore, Bucky shouted, “Hey Sam, got those wings yet?”

***

“Alright, two more stops to go,” Steve Rogers said to himself, as he continued his epic quest to return all of the infinity stones and Mjolnir to their proper timelines. “Two more stones until I see my Peggy again.”

“I’m right here!” said Agent Peggy Margaret Carter, hastily putting her uniform back on.

“Oh right, I mean you from a few decades ago…,” muttered Steve. Currently, he was back in 1970’s branch, returning the Tesseract (the space stone)

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for fondue round 6?” asked Howard Stark with a smile and wink, who was dressing from behind the desk.

“Sorry gentleman and lady, like I said, I’ve got an important job to do returning all of these infinity stones! The fates of (what was it?) two more universes are all on me!” replied Steve.

“But don’t you have all of the time in the world with that… time travel device thingamajig? Cum dance with me a little longer!” begged Peggy.

“Don’t worry Peg, we’ll have all of the time in the world, in just two more stops. And then we can dance as long as you’d like,” said Steve.

“And I like to hop at some point too!” said Howard.
“You wear me out (in more ways than one)! Au revoir,” said Steve, smiling at the both of them.

He entered the proper coordinates on his time travel GPS, activated it, and found himself zooming through 5D tunnels in the quantum realm to the planet Vormir.

“Who knew Howard was such a scoundrel? Anyway, where the hell am I now?” Steve asked himself, before throwing up in a conveniently located space trash can from a mixture of time travel and too much coitus.

Before him was a giant, darkened rocky cliffside above some large puddles and below a cloudy sky and an eclipsed sun. Up the Captain (of America) climbed until he was approached by a hooded, ghost-like figure, who said, “Welcome, Steve Rogers, son of Sarah.”

“Hey, bitch,” replied Steve.

The figure scoffed, “Consider me a guide-”

“A guide to what, the soul stone? Oh whoops, it’s right here,” said Steve, pulling it out from behind him.

“Where… was that hiding?” the figure asked.

“Oh, you probably don’t know him, but my friend Howard Stark can be pretty mischievous underneath the sheets (not that usually requires sheets to do the deeds he does),” replied Steve.

“Howard Stark… son of Howard Stark Sr…. A lifetime ago, I knew Howard Stark.”

“You knew him? Like Abigail Williams knew John Proctor?” Steve scoffed.

“No, I fought him, for it is I, the Johann Schmidt, AKA the Red Skull!” the figure announced, revealing his red face beneath the hood.

Steve Rogers was utterly in shock, Soul Stone in hand. All he could think was, “This is the guy I have to give this to?”

“And now,” Johann said, “pwease, if you would, daddy, shove that little soulstone down mine Arschloche Bitte!”

“What the fuck is this?” Sam asked Loki and Charles. The three of them were watching the scene play out from an old 1960’s projector within the bowels of the TVA.

“This is what we were worried about,” said Charles. “If he gives up the Soul Stone in this manner, all is lost! The Soul Stone holds a special place among the infinity stones. You might say, it is a certain wisdom: if the soul stone is inserted into the ass of a force ghost, that ghost’s power would exceed that of the Watcher, their will enacted throughout the Multiverse!”

“What Charles is trying to say, is that you gotta seduce that man out of the temptation of inserting that stone in that ghost’s ass. Sam, this is the only way!”

Flabbergasted, Sam simply stood their processing.

“Pwease, mein Shatze, meine Katse. Insert Soul Stone here!” begged Johann.

As Steve began to step towards the ghost, Loki shouted, “Quick Sam! This is happening in real time (Time works differently here in the TVA)!”

Sam exclaimed, “What? Gosh!”

Loki summoned a rectangular prism from the room they were watching from to that very cliffside, and Sam darted through.

“Don’t do it Steve!” shouted Sam.

“What, Sam?” exclaimed Steve.

“Gah!” exclaimed Johann.

“Look Steve, don’t put that stone in there. Even though you might want to, don’t! This is an evil being, who could wreak more havoc and cause more damage than either of us can fathom!
You don’t wanna do this man!” shouted Sam.

Steve sighed, put the stone away, and responded, “Right, God knows that I’m not into this kind of shit, heh.”

Sam said, “Now, now Steve. That’s not what I meant. I mean, this guy is the Red Skull, the worst of the worst! It appears now that he did have to bury some parts of himself back then, but that doesn’t change the horrible things he’s done and is capable of. That’s why you shouldn’t stick the soul in his ass, not because of heterosexual conformity!”

Steve replied, “It’s not that, I really am straight! I haven’t told anyone this, but it’s been my dream forever to travel back to my life in the 1940’s and to live out my days with the love of my life Peggy Carter.”

“That may be true, but, and I can’t explain how, I just saw you finish up with Peggy and Howard–I know that you’re gay!” said Sam.

“Oh, if you were talking about that thing with Howie, that’s just how we greet each other, us old, lonely friends out on the Western front…. Plus we said ‘no homo’ afterwards,” said Steve.

“Did you, now?” asked Sam, apprehensively.

“Yes (or maybe not, I don’t remember). Plus, don’t you know?

It’s okay if it’s in a 3-way
It’s not gay if it’s in 3-way
With a honey in the middle, there’s some leeway
The area’s gray in a 3-way,” sang Steve.

“See, this is what I’m talking about Steve. You’re a man out of time! You can’t keep reverting back to these 1940’s sensibilities–a lot of those suck!” yelled Sam

Steve sighed. “Yeah, I know what you mean Sam. That means a lot, coming from you. And look, Bucky and I… I don’t know if we fully understood what it meant to give a black man that shield.”

“Oh, you never gave it to me in my universe. You were in too much of a haze when you grew old,” said Sam.

“Oh, uh… that would (or will?) probably be from the sex and drugs,” said Steve.

“Probably,” laughed Sam, giving him a look.

“Hey, speaking of sex. Why don’t you come with me. An old friend is waiting for you. He says he’s over you, but I can tell a part of him still lusts for his friend.”

“To the end of the line… (of coke),” said Steve.

“Hey, gotta watch out for that drug use!” warned Sam.

“Right,” said Steve.

“Now, why don’t you throw that stone down the cliff and join Bucky and I for a little tryst?”

“It would be my pleasure,” replied Steve, and the two of them entered a portal that Loki summoned for them as he watched, sending them back to the Hawaiian isles.

The projector shut off, leaving Loki and Charles in darkness. Loki turned on the lights, headed for the door, and said, “All in a day’s work (Or week? Time works differently here in the TVA)! I’m going to my quarters.”

“Now Loki, I know it’s been awhile, but this experience has rekindled old feelings. Desire and lust for you!”

“Another time, professor. No, I’m going back to my room to watch some, uh… regularly scheduled programming….”

***

And so, the threesome fucked for a fortnite, putting to shame any other threesome in the multiverse (including the threesome between Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter, and Howard Stark in the deep, dark, and damp basement of the Camp Lehigh base in 1970’s New Jersey). The sex positions they shared were marvelous, and would dazzle any pornstar or OnlyFans poster. Regularly; sometimes one of them, a lot of times two of them, and on occasion, all three of them; they would utilize their three metallic objects in their sexual escapades, those being: Captain America’s trusty, vibration-absorbant shield, a symbol for the nation; the Winter Soldier’s well-worn metallic arm, who knows where that thing as been?; and the Falcon’s speedy wings, useful in aerial tactics (and aerial sex), as well as anal insertion, if one tries hard enough and is willing (both Steve and especially Bucky got their fair share). Every so often, Steve would let out some sparks from Mjölner for bonus excitement.

Finally, on the last Hawaiian sunset of the summer, the three of their lips shared one final, singular kiss (just previously, their asses shared one penultimate, singular kiss; and before that, their dicks gave many final, wet kisses to one another). With that, their tryst had come to an end.

“Thank you both,” said Bucky. “These past weeks have contained the highlights of my wretched, so-called life.”

“What did I say about that negative self-talk?” asked Sam.

Bucky sighed. “You said not to do it.”

Sam said, “That’s right!”

Bucky continued, “You two men, are my everything.”

“Awww,” scoffed Sam.

“Shut up!” said Bucky, trying to hide a smile.

“Thank you both, for helping me cum to my senses,” said Steve. “ If not for you two, I could’ve been fucking a nazi for chrissake! Anyways, I really should be off to finishing my epic secret post-Endgame quest! I have a feeling Jane Foster might have some second thoughts about Thor when I slide in with this reality stone (or excuse me, aether).”

“Steve, you dawg!” exclaimed Sam.

“What will you two be up to?” asked Steve.

“I don’t know; although, I noticed during the time we were fucking, a group of inhumans walking around aimlessly, led by that one guy, oh yeah, Blackagar Boltagon (AKA Blackbolt). Maybe we’ll see what they’re up to,” said Sam

“Maybe Thor is somewhere with them,” interjected Bucky.

“Hey! This hammer stays between us three,” said Steve.

“Yeah, yeah Steve,” said Bucky.

“See you in another life, brother!” said Steve.

“Goodbye, old friend!” said Bucky.

“Thanks, man!” said Sam.

As Steve Rogers vanished, the couple were left staring at the sunset together. Bucky sighed, finally releasing the last of his love and lust for the one and only Steve Rogers. He turned towards his one and only wingman.

“What a vacation,” Sam said to him.

“I’ll say,” Bucky said.

Sam looked at Bucky and said, “What is it? What’s going on in that big cyborg brain of yours?.”

“It’s computing,” Bucky replied.

Sam laughed. “You know what? I can actually see it. I can see the gears turning. Ope, they’re malfunctioning, shuttin’ down. They’re on fire!”

“You’re so stubborn,” Bucky said.

“What are you waiting for?” Sam asked.

“Marry me, Sam,” Bucky said.

Sam gasped.