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Chapter Text

I am rich. Ridiculously rich. Some might think admitting such a thing is being supercilious, but it is not like I go around boasting about my wealth—which is more like my family’s wealth, anyway, if we are being exact. If your family was rich and you would be able to spend the entire summer in an unnecessary big mansion in the heart of Tuscany, you would not complain either.

So, no, I do not mind it at all. I have not for the past sixteen years, at least. Until one day, late spring of this year, Sirius came bursting into my room, declaring that James Potter would stay with us in said mansion for the summer after their graduation. Which meant this summer. Which meant I had no time to prepare for it whatsoever.

Maybe I do mind being rich after all.

I do not hate James. At least not in the way you hate someone and wish they would die a very slow death. That might be too extreme, even for me. I hate James in the way that I wish to never have to meet him, ever.

When we permanently moved from France to England and Sirius went to that new school and started constantly talking about ‘the boy with a grin like the sun itself’, I decided I would never want to meet whoever he was talking about. He had taken the one thing from me I still had. I would not be able to bear the sight of him.

And now, forward to the summer, I dread the moment James walks into our house, screaming ‘hellos’ and making Sirius even more unbearable. 

Summers in Italy have always been the best time of the year—at least for me. Sirius usually prefers staying in England, which I am totally fine with. He can do whatever he wants, it is not like he owes me his time or something. He might stay for a week or two, but I do not need his pity visits. Not when he never bothered to visit when our parents finally allowed him to go to boarding school after begging for it for months.

Maman and papa never knew the real reason for Sirius’s begging, but I? Oh, he never stopped talking about James. Day and night. No conversation with Sirius would pass without him having mentioned James at least once. I cannot remember the last time we talked about how things were going at my school.

Maybe it is good that I am finally meeting that infamous James Potter my brother has been raging about. Even if only so I can be reassured that James is indeed completely and undeniably infuriating. 

Chapter Text

“Reggie!”

“Mh?” I call back from my room, our voices travelling through the open doors and across the hallway.

“I am going to pick up Prongs now, do you want to come with?”

Prongs.

That absolutely idiotic nickname Sirius has given James. I still have not figured out where it even comes from in the first place.

“No, I’d rather not.”

Sirius’s head of black curls peaks through the door. “Oh, come on Reggie, you’re going to love him. I promise!”

“You love him enough for both of us,” I reply, keeping my expression neutral. And I will hate him enough for the both of us as well.

Sirius shrugs. “Alright then, see you later, yeah?”

“Can’t wait,” I mutter but he is already gone, eager to pick up his best friend from the train station and I return to my book.

I only realise that the sun is setting when the light through my window gets fainter, making it harder to read. Reluctantly, I put the Romeo and Juliet down, too lazy to switch on the lights, and turn onto my back, watching the sunset from my room. 

There is something calming and peaceful when the sky is painted in all those different colours, the sun making way for the moon and the stars. I almost drift off, but voices downstairs tear me out of my relaxed state.

I roll to my side, groaning. Let the horror begin. 

I heave myself off the bed and make my way downstairs. After all, I like to think of myself as a polite person. 

My heart is pounding when I reach the entrance hall, remaining on the final steps of the staircase. Their chatter is as loud as I expected.

“Gosh, Pads, this house is huge! How many toilets do you have?”

Really, that is the first thing he wants to know?

“One for every person, so uhm four, I think?” Sirius answers and when he spots me by the stairs, he turns to me to ask for reassurance. “Right, Reggie?”

I nod. “Although I don’t know why this is of any relevance.”

“Our mother isn’t here yet, she still has some unfinished business in London,” Sirius continues. “Might join us in the second half, not sure though. Don’t really care, actually, if you ask me.”

James turns around for the first time, looking straight at me. I have ignored him until now because why should I look at him? I do not even care about him.

But now that he is looking at me, I wonder how I could have ever ignored him. Because oh boy is he beautiful. 

James’s smile is so bright, white teeth contrasting against brown skin. I cannot help but think that I did not do anything to deserve such a smile. Does he not know that I hate him? Did Sirius not warn him? Is it not written in my face, or have I forgotten to breathe?

“Hey, you must be Reggie.” Politely, he reaches out, offering me his hand. 

“Regulus,” I reply, shaking it. I hope he does not notice my sweaty palms.

Sirius rolls his eyes. “Don’t mind him. He is a prick.”

“How was that me being a prick?” I throw back at him, even if the words do not have the bite I intended them to have. I am feeling a bit dizzy.

James chuckles and the sound is warm and bright and my eyes drift towards it. “Ah, yes, brotherly love.”

My eyes narrow, familiar irritation spreading through me. “What do you know about it, huh?”

“Don’t be mean to him, Reggie,” Sirius says.

James waves with his hands—they are really big, he could easily play an octave, or even a 9th or 10th. “It’s fine, Pads. It’s kind of sweet, don’t you think.” He cocks his head, smiling. A dark lock falls over his forehead.

I roll my eyes and go past James, taking his luggage—one suitcase and a backpack. For two months? “Come, I’ll show you your room,” I say as I pass him again, like Sirius asked me to. So we could ‘have a moment to bond’. I told Sirius it was a stupid idea and that he should just show James his room, but Sirius insisted. And, well, I have never been good at saying no to my brother. I know it is me being weak and having no backbone, but I am still his little brother, and sometimes I forget that I stopped chasing his approvement.

James follows me. “You have an amazing house. It’s really pretty.”

“Don’t compliment me, I didn’t build it,” I say as we reach the top of the stone stairs. 

“I still think it’s pretty.”

“Great, cheers,” I reply dryly. “Here.” I lead him to the room next to mine, because, of course, the guest room is directly connected to mine. I used to not mind because we never had guests and my room has the best view, right of the garden and of the sunset in the summer. Besides, I can use it as my personal library and store all of my books and other stuff that does not fit into my room anymore. Now, however, I do mind. A lot. Because it means I will have to share a bathroom and the balcony with James andour rooms are connected by a door. 

Great. Just great.

“My room is next to yours,” James points out and I have to restrain myself from replying obviously. “How lovely.”

“Yeah, so exciting,” I say with a fake smile and instantly drop it, which leaves him chuckling. Can he just stop chuckling and laughing and smiling all the time? How can one person be so happy all the time?

“Pads has told me a lot about you.”

Sirius. 

His name is Sirius. Just say his fucking name.

“Has he?” I ask anyway. 

“Mh. Mostly just good things, of course. But he has also warned me of your temperament.”

“Funny, he hasn’t told me a single thing about you,” I lie and relish the sight of James making a mocking grimace. 

“You lie.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. You’ll never know.”

James sends me one last look before he goes around the room, taking in his view. 

“What’s that?” He points to the door that doesn’t lead to the bathroom, the one right next to the balcony. 

“Oh, that one leads to my room.”

He turns around and raises an eyebrow. 

“Lovely, isn’t it?” I say. “We’ll be able to chatter the whole night like the besties that we are!”

He properly laughs this time. I did not know I was that funny. 

“I like your sarcasm, Regulus. You’re really funny.”

“That’d make you the first person to say that to me.”

“Really?” James tilts his head. 

“No,” I reply flatly. “I’m lying again.”

He smiles and I think a dimple appears on his right cheeks. “We’re going to have a lot of fun, I know that.”

“We’ve known each other for not even ten minutes.”

“And still it feels like a lifetime, don’t you agree?”

No, I do not. 

But before I can answer Sirius is calling from downstairs. “What are you two taking so long? Prongs, I want to show you the grounds!”

“Coming!” James calls back and heads to the door but before he leaves, he turns around again, his eyes meeting mine. “A pleasure making your acquaintance, Regulus.” He winks at me and if I were a girl, I would definitely melt. But I am not, so I do not. “And thank you for carrying my luggage.” 

With that he turns and leaves the room. I wonder if I only imagine it to be a little bit colder when he is gone.

I do not join them for dinner that evening, which Uncle Alphard notices. Just when the sun starts setting, there is a knock at my door. 

“Yes?”

“It’s me, can I come in?” an elderly voice answers and I immediately spring up from my bed to open the door for him. 

“Yes, of course, come in.”

“Hello, my boy.” He steps through the door, his hands locked behind his back. “Oh, look at that… Your room is such a mess, Regulus!” he says in smooth French.

I follow his gaze around the room, across the books on the floor and music sheets on my desk, over the pile of clothes on the couch. “Yes, yes, I know. But it’s cozy, don’t you think?” I reply in French, something only Uncle Alphard expects of us. Sirius and I have grown used to speaking in English with each other—it does not feel as personal, or some reason. Talking in your mother tongue however… It is much closer to the heart. Maybe that is why Uncle Alphard insists on it when we are with him.

He smiles, wrinkles creasing around his eyes. “Of course, my boy. If you like it.”

“Why did you come?” I ask after a moment, dropping back onto my bed that is covered with the same stuff as the floor. 

“You didn’t come to dinner,” Uncle Alphard points out and sits down next to me. I can feel his eyes on me, although I am looking straight ahead. 

“Kreacher brought me some food.” 

He places a hand on my shoulder and I immediately relax into his touch. He always seems to have this effect on me. 

“My boy. You can always talk to me.”

“Yeah… Thank you, uncle.” I know he is waiting for a proper answer but right now I do not have one for him. I do not even have one for myself. 

Why did I not come down to dinner? Good question.

It just did not feel right today. I guess I just did not want to intrude Sirius and James. I may hate him but I cannot deny that James makes my brother really happy.

When we moved from France to England it was not easy for either me or Sirius. It was not easy to move to a totally different country and leave behind friends and family and everything you know. 

I usually deal with my emotions by myself and I do not mind being alone but Sirius? He needs someone he can talk to, someone who will listen and understand him. Laugh with him. Someone who will not judge him for maybe feeling differently than others and who does not mind having to reassure him that whatever he is going through is okay. I cannot be that for him. I tried, but it is just—I have to deal with too much myself. I realised earlier than Sirius that when we relied on each other for comfort, we just took the other down with us.

In France, that person used to be Remus. He and Sirius were close in a different way than how it is now with James. I do not think Sirius understood it, but I saw the way they looked at each other. They were each other’s moon and stars. And when we moved away, he lost the person he needed. It destroyed him, and it had hurt seeing Sirius crumble under his own feelings. He probably should not rely on others for support and comfort, but that is just how he is. 

It did not take long after he went to his new school in London that he met James. Everyone who sees them together just knows that they are made for each other.

It was a bit hard to admit that I cannot be the person Sirius needs. Maybe that is the real reason for my hatred for James. Because he can comfort the person I am supposed to be the closest to. I can appreciate and be thankful to James for being there for my brother, but that does not mean it does not hurt that he is the brother to Sirius that I can never be. 

Uncle Alphard places a kiss onto the top of my head before he removes himself from my side, walking over to the door. 

“Come down some time, okay? I always enjoy hearing you play the piano.” 

I just nod before he leaves, leaving the door open. He always does that in an attempt to motivate me to come downstairs.

Usually it works, but not tonight.

I watch the sunset alone from my balcony, Sirius’s and James’s laughter in the background. 

Chapter Text

A rather loudly whispered ‘sorry’ wakes me up the next morning.

I lift my head. The sun has not even risen yet. It cannot be later than 4am.

When my gaze travels across the room to find the source of interruption, I see James standing in the door that connects our rooms.

I groan. “What the fuck, James?”

“Shit, sorry, I thought that was the door to the bathroom.”

“No, obviously not.”

“I know. Sorry.”

I lie back onto the mattress. “Why are you up already anyway?”

“Pads and I are going for a sunrise swim, do you want to come? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“No, he wouldn’t, but I would. You have to be a complete idiot to wake up that early for a fucking swim. You can swim every time of the day so why do it now?”

James fake gasps. “Did you just call me an idiot?”

I turn to the side, supporting my head with my arm, and look at him. “Guess I just did. Now get out of my room. One of us actually enjoys sleeping.”

He smiles. “Your choice.”

After he leaves, I try to go back to sleep again but I just simply cannot, James’s voice still ringing in my ears.

A morning swim in the sunset does sound nice…

Fuck it.

I spring up, throw on a pair of swimming trunks and a shirt and grab a towel before I sprint down. “Wait!” I call through the open door and when I run outside, I see Sirius and James already on their bikes.

Sirius turns his head to me. “Hey, Reggie! Are you joining us?"

James simply grins at me.

I swing myself on the third bike. “I figured since I was annoyed by being woken up at fucking 4am, it might as well be my turn now to annoy you.”

“Aw, Reggie, you could never annoy us,” Sirius replies with a grin and ruffles my head. I hate it when he does that. “Well then, let’s go, boys!”

It is not even a fifteen-minute ride to the nearest lake down the hill. We do have a pool but swimming in a lake just has a different feel to it. It feels kind of freer and the location is really beautiful.

We leave our bikes on the small road in front of the trees and bushes before Sirius leads us to the lake. It takes us barely two minutes until we arrive, the sound of water hitting stones welcoming us while the first hints of blue begin to shine on the horizon.

“It’s beautiful,” James says, amazed, letting his gaze travel over the straws that surround the lake and over the last fireflies of the night flying over the clear water. “It’s sort of magical.”

“You seem to think of everything around here as beautiful here, James,” I say. “You are really easy to impress.”

“Well, what can I say?” He looks at me. “Everything here is beautiful.”

I do not if that is supposed to be a compliment. I simply chose to ignore the comment.

“Come on, Pads!” Sirius taps his friend on the back, his shirt already somewhere on the ground.

A wide grin appears on James’s face and he turns to him. “Coming.” He too removes his shirt and follows him into the lake. When he realises that I am not following them, he turns around, the water just around his hips.

“Regulus?”

I have stopped breathing. Oh boy, James is trained. From his broad shoulders down to his lean abs and narrow waist. Did not Sirius mention once that they both play on the football team? I think Sirius got kicked out, though, for whatever reason I cannot remember.

“Mh?” I choke out, forcing myself to look into his eyes.

“Aren’t you coming?”

I could make a very inappropriate joke now, but I let it be. “No, the water is still too cold. I’ll join you both when the sun is out.”

He shrugs. “Oh, okay.” Then he turns around and dives in, swimming towards Sirius who is already in the middle of the lake, playing with the water like a little child.

They both turn their backs to me, chatting and laughing and not paying attention to me.

But why should they? They have each other after all.

Chapter Text

The first week of James being here is pretty much hell on earth. At least I know now that he is just as horrible as I expected him to be.

I have even made a list of things that bother me when James gets a bit too nice. Another thing I should add. Why is he so nice to me? To everyone? Does it not get tedious?

why James Potter is an annoyance to this world: a list in progress

Point One: He smiles all the time.

There has barely been a second I have not seen him smile since he arrived here. I am not sure if he is like that all the time but if that is the case, but I am glad I will only have to endure it for two months.

Point Two: He is talking all the time.

Like literally all the time. I thought Sirius is already very talkative but James brings it on another level. He has told me so much about his time in school, it feels like I have been there myself the whole time with him. And it is only been a week. I am sure at the end of summer I will know the name of his dead dog—if he has one, although I am pretty sure he does, he seems a lot like a dog person to me—the exact minute, if not second, he was born, every person he has ever kissed—though I do not care at all—and how many hair strands he has on his head. He seems like the person who would count them just for the fun of it and then use it as a party trick.

The only advantage: Sirius talks less now.

Point Three: He is pretty much perfect.

You could put him into the museum and people would not even notice he is a living human being but rather just stop in front of him and ask Who sculpted that perfect body? Look at that face! Oh lord, he has the smile of an angel. Worst thing? They would not even be in the wrong.

Point Four (or more like three and a half because I still count it to the fact that he is perfect): He wears glasses.

Not an ugly pair that hides his eyes. No, he wears dorky, round glasses that make his eyes look big and round like a lost deer. Because that is what he is, a sweet and big deer, and Sirius is his black furred dog, following him everywhere.

Ah yes, speaking of.

Point Five: Sirius absolutely worships him (but that is not news).

I am surprised he does not faint every time he sees him as if he is David Bowie or some other musician Sirius loves so much. You may think that this is not a bad thing—James makes him happy after all, but as his brother I have to wish him nothing but a shitty life. That is how brotherly love works.

Point Six (or continuation of two): James talks to me a lot.

I mean, yeah, he generally talks a lot, but he does not just tell me things, he asks me about my life, too. I just do not understand why he makes an effort to get to know me. He does not have to pretend that he is interested in me, I can very much live with the thought of James Potter not adoring me. In fact, I would prefer it if he hated me as well. It would make hating him easier for me. Because right now, I am struggling.

Chapter Text

The sun is warm on my face and I adjust my lying position a bit, moving over to where the shadow has wandered.

It is unbelievably hot today but I do not want to miss a single sunny day in Tuscany. Warm days like these are rare in England, so I chase them during my summer break, despite feeling like I am melting, even in the shadows.

I close Romeo and Juliet and lie on my back, my head resting on my arms as I glaze over to our house, breathing in the summer air.

The mansion lies just on the top of a hill with a beautiful view across the landscape of Tuscany. Florence is not even twenty minutes away. Although I adore France and its nature, nothing comes close to the olive trees and vineyards, tree-lined avenues, hills and the old towns of Italy.

“What are you thinking about right now?”

I prop myself onto my elbows, squinting against the sun.

“That’s the sixth time you’ve asked me that since you arrived here,” I reply to James.

He grins. “Aw, you’ve been counting. I just like asking that question. It’s always fun to catch people off guard,” he says, shrugging. “So, Regulus, what keeps your mind busy right now?”

“Currently thinking about at least fifty ways on how I can sell you to the mafia without leaving any evidence that it was me,” I reply dryly and drop back onto the blanket, shielding my eyes with my arm.

James laughs that warm and genuine laugh I know has broken many girls’ hearts already.

“I wasn’t joking.”

“It’s still funny. Can I sit?”

“No,” I reply but he is already taking a seat next to me. “Ok, great. Shouldn’t you be bothering Sirius?”

“He’s taking a nap.”

“And why aren’t you?” I lift my arm slightly to peek up at him.

“Not tired,” he says simply. “Thought I would keep you company.”

“Lovely.”

“You don’t look like you want company.”

“And yet you are here.”

He grins. “Yup, here I am. Go on, let’s play a game. I ask you a question and you answer it honestly and then you get to ask me a question.”

I raise an eyebrow. “And why the fuck would I do that?”

James shrugs. “Because I’m bored.”

“Then you should go annoy Sirius.”

“I told you, he’s sleeping.”

I sigh and sit up. “James, I don’t want to be mean on purpose, but I really don’t care whether you are bored or not. I, for my part, enjoy being alone. You should try it sometime.”

“I have. It’s not for me.”

“And you don’t have to pretend like you want to get to know me just because I am Sirius’s brother. You are here for two months, not for the rest of our lives. Let’s just—Let’s live next to each other in peace and quiet and then I can forget about you again once you leave.”

James’s smile faits a bit and something bitter spreads through me. Something foreign and ugly. Guilt. I feel bad for what I just sad. But I cannot take it back now, and I meant what I said. Even if I wish James would not look so disappointed.

“Okay, I get that, but I just think—You are Sirius’s brother after all and I’m sure we’ll cross paths again in the future and it would just be a shame if we wouldn’t get along well, don’t you think? Of course, I won’t pressure you if you really don’t want to, but just give me a chance, yes?”

He is rambling. And begging. And my ice is melting.

“Fine.” I throw my arms up in defeat. “You have ten minutes, and you start with the first question.”

James’s smile widens again and he adjusts his seating position. If he had a tail, it would probably wiggle right now. “Ok, uhm, shit I don’t even have any questions prepared.”

I look at him.

He raises his hands, laughing. “I didn’t think I would come this far.“

“Now that’s just sad.” I turn my head away from him into the sun and close my eyes. “The clock is ticking, James.”

“Oh yeah, sorry. Uhm… Okay, what’s your favourite thing to do?”

I peek at him from the side. “That’s a lame question.”

He shrugs, smiling again. “Go on, let’s hear it.”

“I would say playing piano—although I don’t play much anymore—reading and maybe looking at art. Not that exciting stuff.”

“Sounds great!” James replies enthusiastically and poor boy, he actually does seem interested. “Since when do you play? What’s your favourite book? Do you draw as well?”

“That’s three questions. After you’ve already asked me one.”

“Mh, you’re right, but you’ll have to answer them another time.”

“Sure, James.” I sigh, even if it feels good having someone be interested in what I like. “What do you like to do?”

He grins. “That’s a lame question, Regulus.”

“Ugh, shut up. Now, go on, let’s hear it.”

“Well, I’m glad you asked,” James said, chuckling. “I like to play football, but I assume Sirius has told you that already.”

“He has.”

“I’m captain there, so that keeps me pretty busy most of the time.” The image of James in is football uniform, commanding people around, flashes in my mind. I quickly blink the thought away. “Mh, oh yes, I also like to go to the animal shelter. I love the puppies there, they are so adorable! And it’s also just great to be of help.”

Told you, he likes dogs.

“And I like to meet up with my friends and go to the cinema and write poems—"

“Hold on—” I raise my hands. “You write poems?”

“Is that a bad thing?” he asks me and genuinely looks at me like it could be.

“No, I just—I didn’t expect that, I guess. You don’t seem to be the person who writes poems,” I say, because I mean it. I genuinely did not expect him to say something like that.

“How does someone who likes writing poems look like, then?” James asks, a smile on his lips.

“I don’t know, just not—like that,” I reply and point with both hands at him. I realise how dumb that sounds the moment those words leave my mouth.

He laughs. “That makes no sense, Regulus.”

“I guess I just expected you to be a more kind of big gesture person. Like, uhm, someone who will buy roses and get on one knee just to ask you to go to lunch with you, stuff like that.”

“Well, I’ll have you know then that I do like big gestures as well, just—I like how poems can express so much with so little words.”

“Guess so.” I turn my head to his direction just to find him already looking at me.

“You can read some, if you want.”

I ignore his words. Because we are entering dangerous territory. Private territory. We should not be close enough to share such personal things with each other. “Okay, go on, next question—oh wait, how tragic, your ten minutes are over.” I spring up to my feet and grab my book, James staring at me startled. “See you around, yeah?” I do not wait for an answer before I get away from there, but James calls after me anyway.

“Regulus, wait—"

And, help me, he gets up and follows me.

“I said your ten minutes are up,” I tell him as I walk up the stairs to the house.

“But I couldn’t ask you another question.”

“You asked me four.”

“And you only answered one.”

“Because you asked them all at once!”

“Maybe, but it was my turn now—”

I stop right in front of the front door and turn to him. “James. I’m sorry, but I really don’t want to talk to you anymore, okay? I gave you ten minutes and you got ten minutes. Now if you’d be so kind, don’t follow me because I really don’t have the nerve for your questions or wide smiles or anything, really. Ciao.”

This time when I leave, he does not follow me. I try to ignore the sting it causes.

I drop onto my bed, the book still in my hands. The conversation with James rings in my ears as I let my gaze wander across the book cover, a red velvet binding with a gold font.

I have always envied Romeo and Juliet’s love. It’s silly, really, when you think about it. After all, they both die at the end. But still, their love was so pure. They put it above everything else—their families and the expectations they had of them. And even though they do not have a happy ending, I still strive for a love like that. One that can conquer all else; one that leaves you stunned and will forever change your life.

I have never been in love. Not really, at least. I have had dumb crushes and made out with one girl or another boy but it has never been love. You might say now oh, Reggie, but you are only so young, give yourself some time and that might be the most ridiculous thing ever. I know I still have time, but I still crave someone loving me for who I am.

I do not mind spending my days alone in my room, reading. I enjoy my own company. Most of the time, at least. But from time to time, I too get sick of feeling lonely. 

Feeling lonely and feeling alone are two completely different things. Because I like being alone but hate the feeling of loneliness. Of no one needing me and no one caring.

My papa always used to say the trick of life is being able to live with yourself forever. He was probably right. And I try, I really do, but sometimes it is so hard to differentiate between feeling alone and lonely.

I think that is what killed him in the end. That he could not see the difference between these two anymore.

We have never spent much time together, Sirius and me. It is not like we hate each other or anything. I would even say we have a pretty good relationship, at least better than before.

You see, our family is horrible. Like actually horrible. Thankfully we do not have any connection with our papa’s side since his death (they seriously blame us for it) but our maman’s side is not much better.  If anything, it is worse. Mostly because we still have to actually see and talk to them.

It took Sirius and me some years before we figured out how manipulative and violent they were to us. When we lived in France, it was just part of our childhood life. We had never known anything else. But after we moved to England, our views on the world and our family started to shift. I hate to admit it but that was mostly James’s work.

After Sirius met him in his new school when he was fifteen, James showed him the warmth and love of a real family and through that, Sirius was able to show me the faults of our family. It was hard to realise at first, we grew up with them after all but once we did, it was kind of freeing, actually.

Maman ignored us after we had a big fight in which we blamed her for everything. Okay, maybe ignored is the wrong word. She still visits us sometimes from her business trips but when she does, she only sees two boys who disappointed her more than anything. She does not see us as her sons anymore.

I cannot say I do not care. Sirius does not. I, however, sometimes wish life had gone differently because I miss both of my parents so much, even if one is still here, technically. And even if both were evil and abusive. It is not easy to realise that you have disappointed your own family, even if they are as bad as it gets.

Sirius plans to leave our whole family behind after this summer now that he has graduated. He told me as much one night. I do not think Sirius realises how much he actually hurt me with that. The whole family drama kind of drew us apart and after he met James, he found a better brother. Sirius of course never said that he had, but it still feels like it.

It is not any different this summer.

Sirius and I still do not spend much time with each other, even though maybe we should. I am not sure how much I will see him once he leaves in September.

But like I said, he has James now. I do not think he needs me.

And I do not mind being alone. Feeling lonely, however? That is a whole other thing.

Chapter Text

“Today is Friday the 13th,” James announces at breakfast as he slices his egg open.

“No shit,” I reply, not looking up from my book.

“That brings bad luck, Reggie.” Sirius smacks my head.

“You two really believe that?”

“You don’t?” James asks.

“No. Why should today be any different than other Fridays just because it’s the 13th? Don’t you realise how stupid that sounds?”

Sirius tuts. “Don’t say we didn’t tell you once you break both your legs and bite off your tongue after you burned it on that hot tea you are drinking right now.”

Well, what can I say, the universe is a bitch, right? Because just as Sirius is saying it, I do indeed burn my tongue on my daily morning tea.

I curse and put the cup back down.

“Told you.” Sirius laughs, James joining in.

“That’s just because you distracted me with your nonsense! It was merely a coincidence, nothing more,” I reply, trying not to grimace from the pain.

“Careful, Regulus, or you will bite it off as well,” James says, grinning.

“Oh, fuck off.”

The day does, indeed, not go well.

I stub my little toe at least four times and curse myself each time a little bit more because how can I be so stupid? Sirius and James never let it go, of course.

„Friday the 13th,” they remind me, and I want to kill them. But maybe not today. I will do it tomorrow. Do not want to accidentally stab myself in the process.

The only thing that seems to keep my mood up is the fact that Sirius and James are both as miserable today as I am. There might even have been a whole minute—can you believe it?—where James was not grinning brightly like the idiot he is. Shocking, right? I did not believe my eyes at first, either.

Regardless, I spend my day as any other. Reading in my room, sleeping after lunch, and then a little bit more reading. I usually do the same stuff every day in the summer. I like the routine of it and knowing what comes next.

That includes my daily smoke with Sirius after lunch.

It is extremely hot today, although not as hot as it will be in a few weeks, which is why we are sitting on the edge of the pool under a tree, our legs dangling in the cool water.

Like I have said before, Sirius and I do not do much together, but our daily smoke is something we both never miss. Maybe because we enjoy the relaxing effect of it or maybe because we actually like spending time with each other. We never talked about it.

I tell myself I would still smoke my cigarette at the same time every day even if Sirius would not keep me company. I do not know if that is actually true, though. Probably not.

“How do you like him so far?”

“Mh?”

“James,” Sirius says, bringing the cigarette to his mouth.

“Ah.”

I am not sure how to answer this. If Sirius asked differently, it would have been easier for me to answer.

Do I like him?

No. Easy answer.

Do I hate him?

Yes. Easy answer.

But what do I think of him?

I don’t know.

Because it is easier to answer when he asks me directly whether I like him or not. Liking and hatred are clear emotions. I can answer them with a simple answer. Even if it might not be the truth.

What do you think of him so far?

His smile is beautiful even though it vexes me. I hate how he laughs with his teeth shining so bright. His hair is a mess; it would be perfect for running your fingers through it. He is the first person who genuinely shows interest in me even though I gave him nothing to be interested about. I hate that as well.

“He is nice,” I say eventually, the long silence hinting that I am lying. Or that it was hard for me to answer the question. Or that I just simply do not want to be rude and insult my brother’s best friend.

Maybe it is everything combined.

Sirius is decent enough not to say anything about it. “Yes, he’s nice.”

We smoke in silence. We always do. There is not much to talk about anyway.

Most people would desperately try to find a conversation topic, make small talk and fake interest. I am glad Sirius is not one of those people. I like the silence, it does not bother me. Not when it is him.

But maybe I do not love it fully because it shows that Sirius is not one of those people. He does not even try to fake interest or make small talk.

What if he does not want to? What does it mean that he would not even go as far as faking interest in me?

He can hardly know everything about me already. I barely know anything about myself.

My routine continues with my daily post-lunch nap. The combination of food and the heat and the cigarette always puts me down and I sleep for at least two hours. I might be wasting my time but what is summer for other than wasting it away?

At least, I usually like to sleep for two hours. James has a different plan. Because stumbles into my room with no sense of decency again.

I look at him, sweat on my forehead from the heat in my room and confusion written on my face.

“James? How many more times do I have to tell you that this is the wrong door?”

He awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. I hate how cute it could be if it were someone else.

“Sorry, I should’ve knocked.”

“What do you want?”

He blinks as if he just now realised that there could be an actual reason for his interruption. “Oh, yeah. Sirius wanted me to ask you if you’d like to come to Florence with us. We want to go around a bit and maybe eat dinner there.”

I groan and throw myself back onto the mattress.

“Idiot. He knows I always take a nap this time around.”

“Is that a yes?”

My eyes snap back to James and it is a mistake because, oh, he looks at me like he actually wants me to come with them.

I hate it when people lie to me. Even if it is just their eyes.

“No, James, this isn’t a yes. It’s a ‘leave me alone and stop coming into my room like it’s yours’.”

“I’ll tell Sirius you’ll think about it,” he says simply, an amused smile on his lips, and then leaves.

“You will not! James, come back here!”

“We’ll leave in two hours!” he calls back, the sound of his steps squeaking on the old wooden floor getting further and further away.

I do not get up for another hour or so because what else is there to do than just lie in your comfortable bed and overthink everything you can?

It is too hot so I do eventually get up and drag myself up from my bed to the shower, locking both doors, and let the ice cold water wash away all my thoughts and worries like the rain washes away the heat of the day.

Kreacher, our cook, must be ready with the afternoon tea and cake, so I make my way down to the kitchen to sneak a peek. The smell of warm oven air and green tea welcomes me even before I enter the kitchen and my mouth immediately waters.

“Ciao, Kreacher, what do you have for us today?” I ask in broken Italian as I enter the room.

A small man hurries through the kitchen, muttering to himself. He does not notice me until I go over to where the cake is placed on the counter in the middle of the room.

“Sir Regulus! I had not seen you, please excuse me.” Kreacher only knows Italian but it adds to the summer charm and it is actually kind of nice having to learn another language. Keeps my mind sharp.

I wave with one hand. “Don’t worry. It looks very good.” I reach out with my finger to taste the cake but Kreacher smacks it with his spoon.

“Ts. Please. It can wait a little longer.”

I sigh. “I’m afraid not.” I take a seat next to the counter and lean forward, supporting my weight with my arms. “How’s your day been so far? You seem very busy.”

“I’m always busy, sir. There is never a break in this house!” he complains but that is just how he is. He tells me at least four times a week that he is going to quit but never does. I am glad he does not, I would miss him too much.

I stroll through the house, unsure of what to do with myself. Not napping gives me an extra hour I have no idea on how to spend. So, I somehow end up in the living room, our grand piano in the middle.

I do not play as much as I used to. Partially because it was my papa who wanted me to play and the memory hurts too much now. But sometimes, I practise a bit anyway. For old times’ sake. Even if the old times were not necessarily better.

Gynompédie No. 1

The sheet music is still on the piano, probably from last summer.

I sit down. The keys feel weird under my fingers after not having played for a whole year but they do eventually find the right way. It is not a hard piece and I can still read the notes.

So, I play.

The piece is a soft one. Quiet. I am not usually one to let my emotions show, at least not any that get too close to my heart, but whilst playing an instrument, you cannot just not pour everything you got into it. And so I feel and feel and pour everything I have into it. I pour out my soul and heart, hear it dripping onto the keys and respond as music.

I let the last keys ring out and slowly lift off my fingers. Then I see him. And I nearly jump out of my seat.

“James! For fucks sake,” I breathe, clutching my chest. “Don’t sneak up on me.”

He grins and pushes himself off the doorframe, adjusting his glasses as he goes over to me.  “That was beautiful.”

“Thank you,” I reply. “Now what do you want?”

He grins, casually putting his hands into his pockets. “I compliment you and that is your answer?”

“I thanked you.”

“And yet you insulted me in the same sentence.”

“Two sentences, actually.”

“So, you insulted me in two sentences?”

“No, in the first one I thanked you, in the second I asked you what you wanted.”

“Mh, I’m pretty sure that ‘thank you’ was more of an insult than genuine kindness.”

“How can the words thank you be any kind of insult?”

“With you, one never knows.”

“So now you know more about my intentions than I do myself?” I cock my head to the side, watching him.

“No, but I like to think of myself as an attentive person.” James shrugs. “Regardless, you always seem to insult me, so naturally I assumed it was the case this time as well.”

“Well, it wasn’t.”

“Then I thank you.”

“You are thanking me for me thanking you?”

“Seems like it.”

“This is the most exhausting conversation I’ve ever had,” I state.

“Now that was an insult.”

“And if it were?”

“It would break my heart,” he announces dramatically.

“I don’t care much about your heart, James,” I admit. I lie. Because I do care. And he can never know.

“You are right, this conversation is getting pretty exhausting.”

“Why? Because I just broke your heart?”

“What if I break yours?”

I tilt my head. “Nobody breaks my heart.”

“Because you don’t let them or because you break theirs first?”

I sigh and get up. “How did we go from you complimenting my playing to having a therapy session about heartbreak?”

“So, you do admit that it was a compliment,” James states, smiling at me.

“I’m not dumb, of course it was a compliment,” I say and roll my eyes. “And I said thank you. Now what do you want?”

“There you go again, insulting me with four simple words others might not seem to find suspicious at all.”

“That might just be you and your paranoia. And how did I insult you now?”

“It’s your tone. You always sound like you would like nothing more than to tear me into pieces.”

“Maybe I do.”

“I don’t think you do. It’s just a mask.” James is looking at me thoroughly and I hate the way I feel so seen beneath his gaze.  

It is difficult not to squirm. “So now you know me better than I do myself?”

“I don’t think you even know yourself.”

I cross my arms. “Why are you here? What do you want?”

“I just like being insulted by you, I guess,” he replies and has the audacity to sound sincere.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Do you ever?”

“In the two weeks we’ve known each other now? No.”

“Fair enough.” James sits down on one of the couches and throws his arm over it. “Come on, sit.”

“I’m not going to sit with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have better things to do.”

“Like?”

“Like playing piano which I was just doing before you came in and disturbed me.”

“I simply complimented you.”

“Which was lovely, but here you are still, annoying the shit out of me.”

Amusement glimmers in his eyes. “Pretend like I’m not here. I can just listen to you playing if you want.”

“The thing is, James, I don’t want you to. I want you to leave me alone! How often do I have to tell you this?”

“You never told me to leave. You just asked me what I wanted.”

“Same thing.”

“Hardly.”

“Since you apparently know me so well you should’ve known what I meant by it.”

“I think that we’ve established that I hardly know you at all.”

“That’s right, you don’t.”

“But I want to.”

I groan and drop back onto the piano stool. “Why did you come? And, please, just answer my question because I’m really sick of this game.”

“Oh, Regulus, it’s never been a game to me,” he says, smirking, and puts a hand over his heart.

“Remember how I told you that I’m thinking about at least fifty ways on how I can sell you to the mafia? I’ve decided on one. You better watch out tonight.”

“That reminds me of something,” he announces and springs up again.

“Please let it be your purpose in life other than annoying the shit out of me,” I mutter.

“I actually just came to tell you that Kreacher is ready with the tea and cake and then we’ll set off. Be ready by then.”

“I told you I wasn’t coming with you!” I call after him as he leaves the living room.

“Come on, you don’t want to miss the cake!”

I groan but follow him, nevertheless. Kreacher’s cakes are one of the best things in the world and I would not want to miss them for anything, even if it means that I will have to spend some more time with James.

“Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you,” Sirius says when we join him at the table under the trees. His leg is thrown over another chair, his hair in a loose bun. Maman would hate it. I think that is why he likes it so much.

“James was annoying,” I announce and drop down as far away from them both as I possibly can.

“Regulus was playing piano,” James says at the same time and I throw a glance at him.

“How sweet,” Sirius says, smiling. “You two are bonding.”

“We are not!”

“I know right,” James says at the same time as me again.

“I have enough of this bullshit,” I say and reach for the tea and cake.

“I heard you are coming with us, Reggie. How sweet!”

I almost choke on my tea. “I did not! James!”

Both break out in laughter and I immediately regret my decision of staying here over the summer with them. What I would not give now to be in France even if it is with my horrid mother just to be as far away from them as I can.

“It will be fun, I promise!”

“You are really willing to go out on a Friday the 13th,” I whisper in mockery.

“I thought you didn’t believe in stuff like that,” Sirius says, grinning.

“I don’t.”

“And yet you don’t want to come with us.”

“I’m tired. You two are making me really fucking tired.”

“Have some fun! Don’t be so boring.”

“I like how I am, thank you very much.”

Sirius pouts. “But this summer is your last chance to spend as much time as possible with your big brother, Reggie. You wouldn’t want to waste it before I go, would you?”

And so I find myself in a car with Sirius and James just an hour later, Bohemian Rhapsody blasting through the speakers and their singing ringing through the warm evening air. The light is warmer already, shining through the open car-window. I reach outside, letting my hand fly through the air, my fingers dancing in the wind.

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught up in a landslide, no escape from reality

Open your eyes,

Look up to the skies and see,

I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy

Because I’m easy come, easy go,

Little high, little low,

Any way the wind blows doesn’t matter to

Me, to me

Thanks to Sirius and his obsession with Queen I, too, have their whole discography and lyrics carved into my brain and can sing along, even if I do so quieter than Sirius and James.

We arrive after about twenty minutes later, parking on the top of the hill with that amazing view onto the buildings of Florence.

The sun has set a bit more now, shining just over the horizon next to the cathedral. This has always been my favourite view. We go up to the front of the platform, a lonely guitarist playing a song just on the floor below us.

“Pads, I can’t believe you haven’t dragged me out here before! How come I’ve never visited you in the summer when this is what it looks like where you live?” James says as he lets his gaze run over the sight in front of him, his mouth a little opened in awe. It is kind of cute how much he appreciates the world around him.

“I’ve asked you many times if you’d want to come with me, but you always stayed with Lily over the summer,” Sirius says back.

I turn my head. “Who’s Lily?”

“She is the love of his life,” Sirius replies, wiggling with his eyebrows.

“Was,” James corrects him, the small grin on his lips fading. Although it used to bother me and still does from time to time, I feel a pang of grief when his smile drops. “She was the love of my life. Please, let’s talk about somebody different, okay?”

This is probably the first time he has not seemed a hundred percent happy to me and it actually makes me want to know their story, but I also know when to respect boundaries and this is a moment to do so.

“So, where do we want to eat? Because I’m actually starving after you two dragged me away from my cake,” I say.

Sirius immediately catches up. “I know a good restaurant just a few streets away from the dome.”

Our way leads us down the many stairs into the city, over the Ponte Vecchio, which is still occupied by tourists, and the Piazza della Signoria, through the small streets of Florence until we reach the Cathedral of Florence.

Eventually, we arrive in front of the restaurant Sirius has mentioned. It seems nondescript at first but when he leads us down the few stairs into the place, a magnificent smell of pizza and pasta and wine welcome us.

I already feel high on all the endorphins and the laughter of the people around me.

All three of us order a pizza and a bottle of red wine, although it is just for Sirius and me since James insisted to drive back.

“To our friendship!” James calls out, raising his water glass for a toast.

“What friendship,” I reply dryly, letting our glasses clink anyway.

So Sirius declares, “To us!”

It is embarrassing what a light weight I am. And still, I never learn from it.

Because about an hour later, just when our pizza arrive, Sirius and I are already tipsy from a wine glass or two too much which we drank way too quickly on an empty stomach.

“Mates, this is the best day of my life,” Sirius announces in a forced British accent he tried to pick up after moving to England.

“And that regardless of the fact that it’s Friday the 13th,” James agrees, who apparently does not need a drop of alcohol to be in the headspace of a drunk.

I envy him.

“It’s all bullshit anyway,” I say as I taste the first bite of my pizza. “Shit, this is good.”

“Reggie, I am not having this conversation again,” Sirius says, taking yet another sip of his glass. We might have to order a second bottle.

And so we do as the night progresses and Sirius and I drink one glass after the other until the world starts spinning and I feel free, free, free.

After what seems like hours, we stumble out of the restaurant arm in arm, James following us.

“I want ice cream. James, do you want to go get ice cream?” Sirius says as we strut through the streets in the night.

“Sure, mate.”

“Reggie?”

“Only if you buy it for me,” I babble, pointing with my index finger at Sirius.

With a bow he removes himself from me. “It would be my honour, oh Regulus the Great.”

“Oh, I like that. James, make sure to remind us about this tomorrow.”

He laughs. “Don’t worry, I definitely will.”

Suddenly, Sirius begins to scream. A loud and hysterical scream.

James is immediately alarmed. “Sirius, what is it?”

But he just runs past him and only when my eyes follow him do I see that he is running towards a group of girls.

And oh, is this going to be a horrible night.

The three girls start screaming as well and soon the whole street is filled with loud voices of Sirius and them and the people who live in the houses there telling them to Fate silenzio, è notte fonda! or simply just to shut the fuck up.

They—of course, being drunk and all—do not care but rather just scream even louder once Sirius reaches them and pulls them all into a messy hug.

It takes me a bit longer to recognize them but after hard eye squinting and working through my clouded brain, I eventually figure out that we just stumbled across Mary, Marlene and Dorcas. Sirius met them a few summers ago here in Florence, if I remember correctly, and it immediately clicked between them. They do not see each other much, we are here only once a year after all, but when they do, it is like they have never been apart.

I do not know much about them if I am being honest. I never bothered meeting Sirius’s friends but if they are like James, lord help me.

After what seems like an eternity, Sirius pulls them towards us.

“James, this is Mary—” he points to the girl with the big afro and a smile to match James’s “—this is Marlene—” his hand wanders over to the girl with the long blonde waves and heavy eye make-up “—and Dorcas,” he introduces the girl with the braids and even darker skin than Mary. I know instantly why Sirius loves them so much. They all share the exact same vibe.

“Hi! I’m James!” he announces as if he has just won a gold medal.

“We know,” they say, laughing and pulling him into a hug as well.

Oh, they better not hug me.

“And you are?” Dorcas asks, looking into my direction. I am not too sure though, my vision is a bit blurry. Oops. Maybe that was one wine glass too much.

“Me?” I ask, pointing my finger at myself. “Dorcas, we’ve literally met before.”

“Oh really?” she chuckles. “Sorry, must be the shots.”

“Well then, let me introduce him again,” Sirius says and pulls me into a half-hug. “This is my little brother Reggie.”

“Regulus. And I’m literally one year younger than you.”

“But you will always be my little brother, won’t you, my little Reg, Reggie, Regulus, Blackie Black, Reginald, Reggie Veggie, Regs-”

I give him a look. “I’ve never heard half of these before.”

“It concerns me that you have heard the other half,” Mary says.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard worse nicknames in my life,” Marlene agrees and slips her hand into Dorcas’s.

We do eventually get our ice, the three girls coming with us.

“You have this funny accent,” Dorcas says to me when we sit in front of Palazzo Vecchio. “Where do you come from?”

“Dorcas, you can’t just tell people they have a funny accent!” Marlene tells her.

I shrug. “It’s fine. Sirius and I come from France, but he surely has told you that before.”

“Actually, no. He is really private about his private life,” Dorcas says. “Then how come that Sirius doesn’t have an accent?”

“Mh, I go to a French school in England but he didn’t, so he picked up a better accent I guess.”

“I think it’s adorable,” Marlene says with a smile.

As the night progresses and Sirius and Mary dance some more, Marlene and Dorcas are still holding hands and the alcohol starts leaving my system, I eventually start getting pretty tired. At some point my head falls on somebody’s shoulder and I silently pray that it is someone from us and not some random stranger.

“Want to get back?” a soft voice asks me after some time, in which I fall asleep briefly again and again, always awakened by laughter and singing. But there are worse things to wake up to.

I blink myself awake and look up from the shoulder I am leaning on, only to discover that it was James I have been sleeping on. He is already staring at me through his round glasses. They are lopsided so I fix them. Nothing special, anyone would do that. But he is staring at me and I am staring at him. The world stands still and there is the slightest hint of a smile on his face.

I feel like I am going to do something stupid if I do not get away as soon as possible.

“Yes, sounds good,” I mumble and lift my head, the comfortable warmth of James’s body leaving me.

“Okay.” He gets up with me and takes my hand. Oh god, why does he take my hand? “Sirius! Regulus wants to get back. Do you want to stay? I can come pick you up later.”

“He can stay with me tonight!” Mary suggests excitedly. “We have so much to catch up on.”

“Sirius?”

“I’m good, Prongs. I’ll come home somehow.” He grins brightly. “Mary will take care of me, won’t you?” He throws an arm around her, laughing. “Take good care of my little brother, yeah?”

“Always,” James returns and I wave at everyone before we make our way back to the car.

“Thank you,” I whisper, still clinging onto him like a little child. But I am still a bit drunk and unbelievably tired, so I just blame it on that. I will have a crisis about that tomorrow.

“Was that an insult?” he jokes and I manage a faint smile. “No problem. It’s my pleasure.”

Why does he always sound so sincere and like he means everything he says? Where is his mask, his pretend game? Where did he learn to be brave enough to feel?

“I’ve thought about us,” I say after a moment of silence because my brain and mouth are in that state where they will just think and say what they want, and I let them.

“Us?”

“I don’t think I hate you that much anymore.”

James laughs and it warms my heart a bit. “I’m glad to hear that, Regulus.”

“Are you always that happy?”

“No. But I try to.”

I sigh. “I envy you for that. I envy you for a lot of things, actually.”

“And that would be…?”

I look up at him, and it is the sun that looks back at me. “You would like to know that, wouldn’t you?”

He returns my smile. “Indeed, I would.”

“Well, too bad, you won’t.” I stick out my tongue. “Your ego is already big enough. I won’t be responsible for it growing even more.”

“You think my ego’s big?” There is amusement in his voice.

“I think there are a lot of big things about you.” Fuck, that sounded dirty. James laughs, probably thinking the same. “God, no—James. I mean, for example, your smile is very big. There, that’s better. Or your heart. I think that your heart is really big. I’m sure if I’d cut open your chest and take out your heart and hold it in my hand, it would be bigger than the Eiffel Tower.”

“As disturbing as this is if you think about it, it’s one of the kindest things someone has ever said about me.”

“Kind?”

“Yes, kind.”

“Sometimes I worry about you, James.”

“How come?”

“Because if that is one of the kindest things you’ve ever heard, you must have had a pretty unfortunate life so far.”

“Or I just value what you say to me. You have a way with words, you know. I like the way you say things.”

“You like the way I insult you?”

He smiles down at me, adjusting his glasses which keep slipping down. “Maybe that too.”

It begins to rain then.

Just like that, without any warning. Heavily.

James yelps and takes my hand tighter, pulling me out of the pouring rain under a small veranda, but we both are wet from head to toe already, anyway. And for some reason I begin to laugh. Properly laugh. I cannot remember the last time I laughed like that.

Because it is just so stupid. Everything. Here I am standing with James Potter in a mini temple, still a bit drunk, as wet as it gets and it is pouring. In Florence. It is so romantic, it is ridiculous.

“Why are you laughing?” James asks as he is laughing, too.

I run my fingers through my hair, straightening my back. “I—I don’t know,” I breathe out. Everything about this is so dumb and stupid and surreal. Is it really happening? I am not sure. “It’s just- what the fuck is happening? Why is it raining?”

“And you didn’t believe in Fridays the 13th.”

He looks at me, and I look at him. He’s smiling. And it is a bit brighter than usual. And I do not know how to feel about this.

But I am feeling so many things right now that it hardly matters. Nothing matters.

I have an idea and it is stupid but I am drunk and nothing matters.

“Come.” I take his hand and pull him out into the rain again, the drops hitting our faces hard, James’s glasses covered by them, soaking our clothes even more.

But I do not care.

And nothing matters.

“What are you doing?” James calls through the sound of rain hitting the ground.

“Living,” I respond, stepping away from him. I open up my arms and begin to spin, spin, spin and stick out my tongue because I need to feel it with all my senses. Because how can it be real if I do not?

I do not know at which point I spin right into James’ arms but I do and then we are dancing through the rain and laughing under thunder and lightning.

It is just us under the rain.

And nothing matters.

It might have been Friday the 13th but I will always remember this day as the best day of my life. That might be a silly thing to say because there will follow better days, no doubt. But something about that day felt surreal, magical even.

And it started things with James.

How could that not be reason enough to count as the best day of my life?

Chapter Text

I do, indeed, have a crisis the next morning. And so does Sirius. 

When I come down from my room, my head throbbing with pain and embarrassment, he is already outside at the breakfast table, wearing sunglasses, his hair a mess. 

“How and when did you get here?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Did you sleep at Mary’s?”

He pauses and then replies, “I don’t remember.”

“That was a lie.” I sit across from him. 

“And how do you know that?”

“Because you just admitted it.”

“Asshole.”

I grin.

“How was your night?”

My smile drops. I really do not want to think about it. “I don’t remember.”

“That was a lie.”

“It was not.”

“If you say so.” Sirius bends forward and lets his head drop between his shoulders. “I feel like I’m dying. I’m actually just a corpse right now. I’m rotting inside.”

“A little dramatic, no?”

“No, just extremely hungover. How are you feeling?”

“Good,” I choke out. I have been more hungover before but the memories from my actions last night haunt me.

He raises an eyebrow at me. “I hope James took good care of you.”

“Yes, he did,” I mumble and immediately get transported back to the feel of James’s hands on my waist, his other hand in mine and us spinning under the rain.

I want to forget every minute and second and millisecond of it.

“Morning,” James greets us and drops into the seat next to me.

Next to me. Not Sirius.

Me.

If Sirius notices, he does not say anything.

“How did you two sleeps?”

“Not as good as you,” Sirius replies dryly, shielding his eyes with the palm of his hand, even though he is already wearing sunglasses.

I do not answer. James is sitting way too close to me. My skin is itching and there is nothing I want to do more than move away as far as possible.

But just as I want to get up, Uncle Alphard joins us.

“Bonjour,” he says with the delight that always seems to be in his voice.

“Bonjour,” Sirius and I say back.

“Bonjour, good morning,” James greets him with a horrible accent and a small smile on his lips but bless him, he actually tries.

“Did you three have a good time last night?” he asks, reaching for the tea.

“Here, let me help you.” I pour him a cup.

“Yeah, we had fun,” James replies and I can feel his eyes on me. “Sirius a little bit more than Regulus and me, I suppose.”

Sirius grunts. “Fuck you.”

“My boys, please. Not at the breakfast table,” Uncle Alphard says in French.

“Désolé”, Sirius says but raises his eyes at James.

“Ah, the youth,” Uncle Alphard sighs, in English again, and nods at me thankfully before lifting the cup to his lips. “It’s a gift and yet most see it as a curse. How come those who get to live it want to outrun it and the ones who have already fled would do anything to go back? Mh, life is a messy thing.”

“Sure, it is,” James agrees. He shares a look with Sirius and they grin.

“I envy you three for the opportunities that still lie in front of you. Don’t waste them. And remember them.”

Uncle Alphard sometimes gets that way. Nostalgic. Sirius thinks its him being an old crank. I just hope it is not the first signs of him dying.

“Of course, uncle,” Sirius says and pats his hand.

I think back to my dad whose youth had messed up the rest of his life and ours as well.

What is life without our youth?

I hope more than it was to him.

There is something beautiful about the silence of the night, when everyone is already sleeping and it is just you, the stars and the moon, and you think to yourself that it might be alright because how can it not be when everything is so quiet and no one is there to tell you anything different?

And even though it is dark outside and there they are, the stars shining, the sun rises anyway.

“You come here often.”

Not a question, a statement. And it is a false one as well.

“I don’t,” I return.

James stops in the doorway to his room. “Then why do I see you here almost every night?”

“Are you stalking me?” I look at him over the shoulder. “Regardless, you just answered your own question for me.”

“I did?”

“Yes. You asked me why you see me here almost every night. See. Almost. That isn’t every and so it isn’t as often as it could be which is why it isn’t often at all and so yes, you are wrong. I don’t come here often.”

He smiles. At least I think so. It’s dark. “You confuse me.”

“You confuse me even more.”

“Congratulations, we just found something we both have in common.”

“Are you really that desperate to find a mutual interest between us?”

“Maybe I am.”

“Then you are more desperate than I thought.”

“Maybe I am,” he repeats, his voice a warm whisper in the dark.

I let myself stare at him a moment longer before I look away. “Sorry, I forgot that you have access to the balcony as well. I’ll go if you want me to.”

“No, please stay. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

I smile a bit. “You always say that and you still do it anyway.”

The sound of his steps grow closer. It is a bit threatening, like an animal prying on its victim. And I feel caught.

“What are you doing here in the middle of the night?” he asks, joining me at the railing.

“Watching.”

“The stars?”

“No, the ants on the ground. Yes, of course the stars,” I reply dryly, rolling my eyes. “God, James, for someone who seems pretty intelligent you certainly do have your stupid moments.”

He laughs beside me. “Alright, alright. I get it, it was a stupid question. So, tell me, omniscient Regulus Black, what is so fascinating about the stars.”

I shrug my shoulders. “They are pretty.”

“Yes, I can see that. Tell me something I don’t know.”

I turn my head and look up at him. “Something you don’t know?”

“You say I am pretty intelligent but apparently not as intelligent as you or else you wouldn’t have pointed out my stupid moments. So go on, tell me something you know and I don’t.”

I sigh. “Did you know that Sirius’ and my name are based on stars?”

His eyes widen. “No, I didn’t, actually. That’s so cool though.”

“Mh, I suppose it is. Sirius is named after the brightest star of our night sky and is in the constellation of the ‘greater dog’.” For some reason, James starts laughing, and I just shoot him a look before continuing. “And mine is the one in the Leo constellation. The brightest one, too. The lion’s heart. Look.” I point up at the sky and trace along the lines of Denebola, Algieba, Zosma, Adhafera and finally, Regulus. “Here,” I whisper, unintentionally. “That’s me. I’m usually visible all year around if you just look hard enough. At this time though you usually can’t see me at all since the sun is in my direction. You can still see me but a few nights from now you’ll have to wait about two months so see me again.”

James chuckles. “It’s cute how you say ‘I’ when you talk about the star.”

I shrug. “It holds my name after all, doesn’t it?”

“Is there anything you don’t know?” he asks, looking right at me.

Now it is me that huffs out a laugh, and I drop my head between my shoulders. “I know nothing, James… If you only knew how little I know about the things that matter.”

“What things that matter?”

“Life,” I reply. “Friendship, love.”

“You still have lots of time to learn about these things, Regulus.”

“Why do you talk to me like you are so much older than me?”

“I don’t.”

“You do, and yet you are still only one, one, year older than me.” I am not sure why I emphasise that fact so much. I just do not want him to look at me like a little brother, too.

“That’s still one year smarter than you.”

“More like dumber.”

James cocks his head. “How’s that?”

“Because I haven’t been fooled by life as much as you have. Also, I thought we had already established that I am smarter than you. There is no need to argue about it anymore.”

“But I like arguing with you.” And because James says everything with the entirety of his heart, I know that he means it.

I shrug, trying to remain careless. Quite frankly, I am struggling. “That sounds like your problem, not mine. How come we always talk about me anyway? You ask so much about me, I hardly know anything about you.”

James grins at me. “I didn’t know you were that interested in me.”

“I’m not,” I return, sharply. Convincing myself. “I just like to know my enemies before I make any drastic moves.”

“Thrilling.” He brushes with his hand through his hair. It looks so soft. “Okay, what do you want to know about me?”

“Mh… tell me something about the poems you write. Or your favourite poem. Who’s your favourite poet?”

His eyes glimmer, and there are a more stars than in the night sky. “I didn’t think of you as a poem-lover.”

“I do like to read and poems are something you read so yes, I do enjoy those as well.” I look away from him. I cannot bear the sight of him any longer. He is burning me.

“Ok, ok,” he laughs. “I was just saying… Mh, I can read you some of my poems one time if you want me to. I’m writing one right now but it’s not finished yet. You can read it once it’s done.”

“Yes, sure,” I reply even though I think Yes, please, I would love to. “What do you write about?”

“Will you judge me if I tell the truth?”

I look up at him. I just cannot help it. “Only if it’s a cliché.”

“Then I shall be silent forever.” He grins.

After a painful moment of silence, I decide to ask anyway. “Alright, go on. I bet you write about love, don’t you?”

“Mh, sometimes.” James leans forward, resting his forearms on the railing. “Sometimes I write about love, or loss, angst and forgiveness and everything that is currently on my mind. It’s a good way to cope and just let your feelings go, don’t you think? A way of escape. I assume reading is like that for you?”

I pause for a moment. I have never actually thought about why I liked reading so much. It is just something I have always done.

Why do I like to read?

Do I like it because it is a way to escape this world, my own reality and put myself into the mind of others because I want to forget my own? Or is it a way for me to let go and give up responsibility and say here, this is your story, write it the way you wantbecause I am so sick of having to write my own fate? Or maybe it is merely the pretty writing that gets to me and makes me think about it for days after.

I do not know how to answer him, but after a while I say, “Yes, you are right. But I don’t think it’s just a way to escape things. It’s also an opportunity to live a life you wouldn’t be able to live even if you wanted to. How realistic is it to find a hidden world in the back of a closet? Not at all, but in a book, it is possible, anyway, and it lets people dream about stuff they wouldn’t be brave enough to dream about before.”

“You’ve read Narnia?”

I roll my eyes. Stupid question. “Of course I have. You?”

He shakes his head, curls hitting his forehead. “No, but Lily has. She’s told me about it.”

“Ah,” I breathe out, staring ahead. “Lily.”

“Mh.”

“Do you want to talk about her?” I ask, and I am not sure why. I know hearing James talk about her would hurt me, even if that is a whole different dark passageway I do not want to go down tonight. So, no, I do not know why I ask him about her, anyway. I just want him to stay a little while longer, hear him talk just a few minutes more.

“No, but thank you,” James replies, and I nod. “It isn’t something I particularly love to talk about, not even with Sirius so, yeah… but thank you, really. I do appreciate it.” He smiles at me, the moon reflecting in his glasses. It is a full moon.

This whole scenery is disgustingly romantic.

“Do you believe in different universes?”

I turn my head to look at James, who is nibbling at his lower lip. “What do you mean?” I ask.

“Like, that there are many universes and different realities. That there is a universe where you’ve never met me, or where you didn’t move to England and where your life is just different based on the events that didn’t or did happen.”

“Is that your biggest concern? That there could be a universe where I haven’t met you?” I barely hear myself over the stutter of my heart. Because what if it actually is? I try to imagine a reality where I do not meet James, and I hate that I hate it.

“Maybe it is.” When he looks over at me, I quickly turn away, but he already caught me watching him.

“I don’t know,” I finally answer his question. “I generally don’t believe in stuff like that. Like that Friday the 13th brings bad luck. It sounds like a nice thought though, the possibilities of different universes and realities existing.”

“I always thought it was a bit sad,” James admits. I frown. “Well, it’s just—how miserable does one’s life have to be that you wish there were others out there that maybe went a bit differently? Why not enjoy the one you have right now and actually live in?”

I cannot help but snort. “You seem like that kind of person.”

James turns his head to me, a faint smile on his lips. “And what kind of person am I?”

I think about it for a moment, but then the words just come tumbling out of me. Because yes, I have been thinking about James and what kind of person he is. I have been thinking about… just him. “Someone who lives in the moment. Someone who—who nourishes every act of kindness, even the smallest ones. And who loves with all their heart.” I turn away because I am suddenly embarrassed by my own words. “You seem like the kind of person who doesn’t worry about what comes next. And even if there is something you are dreading you know it will be okay because after that there is another happy moment waiting for you.” I take a shuddering breath, feeling incredibly exposed for some reason. “Someone like that.”

I do not have to check to know that he is looking at me right now.

“You aren’t like the person I thought you would be.”

“What did you expect, then?” I challenge him.

“I’m apparently not as good at observing people as you are so bear with me here. Mh, I guess I just didn’t expect you to be so… open? Well, maybe not open, because you turned me down many times, but once you open that little shell of yours, there certainly is a small treasure of gold hidden in there.” He pokes my chest with his index finger.

“What do you mean ‘small treasure’?” I tease. “I like to think of myself as a rather big person, thank you very much.”

“You say that as you are standing there, barely reaching up to my chin.” He pulls me into a chokehold. I yelp and try to free myself, our laughter filling the night.

“You are stupid,” I breath out once I find myself without James’ sweaty arm around myself again. It is the closest we have gotten since that night in Florence. And I can hardly breathe. “I will hate you forever, you know.”

“Doesn’t seem so convincing when you are smiling like that,” he says.

I allow myself to look at him for a moment. To just take him in, commend him to memory. This moment feels precious, and I am not sure how many more I will ever get in this life. My voice is quiet when I speak again. “We should go to bed.”

He quickly blinks and looks around as if he had forgotten it was the middle of the night. “Sure. You’re right, sorry.” He steps back, rubbing the back of his neck. “This was nice, Regulus. We should do it again some time.”

“Sure, why not,” I say as I go back to the door of my room.

“Good night,” he says softly, watching me from the entrance to his room.

“Good night, James.”

Chapter Text

Marlene, Dorcas and Mary visit us later that week.

They arrive as I am sitting in the kitchen, talking to Kreacher, and oh lord, they are even louder than James was when he first arrived.

“This has to be a fucking joke.”

“Don’t tell me you actually live here!”

“You have to be rich rich.”

“Can we stay here forever?”

“How come we’ve never visited you before?”

“I’m never leaving.”

“They are an energetic group,” Kreacher comments in Italian as he prepares today's dinner.

“A little too energetic for my taste.” I take another sip of my tea and turn my head to look out of the door into the corridor, where the girls are currently hugging James and Sirius.

“Yes, you always enjoyed your peace and quiet. I still remember when you were young…”

“No need to discuss my childhood with me, please, Kreacher.” I turn back to him and leave the others to their business. “It’s something I’d rather forget.”

“Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad.”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “Were you there?”

“Actually, yes, I was.”

I shrug. “Okay, yes, maybe you were there. But you’re biased. That’s not fair. You’ve known my mother since she was little, of course you would take her side..”

"Yes, yes, fine. Won’t you greet the others?”

I turn towards the entrance hall again. “No, I don’t think so. It doesn’t seem appropriate.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” I reply, shrugging. “they’re his friends, not mine.”

“Sirius’?”

I nod.

“That doesn’t mean they can’t be nice. Maybe this is your chance to make new friends.” Kreacher raises his eyebrows at me. “Don’t always be so shy.”

“I have more than enough friends,” I reply, sounding incredibly petty even to my own ears.

“Name one,” he challenges.

“You know, there’s Pandora.”

“The one from England?”

“Yeah. They’re good friends of mine.”

Kreacher looks over his shoulder at me and smiles. "Then I’m glad.”

I look over my shoulder again. They are gone now, Sirius is probably giving them a house tour.

“Do you think it’s safe for me to go back to my room?”

“You’ll survive.”

“Ha-ha. All right, I’ll see you later.”

“Ciao.”

I do make it into my room without running into anyone, although I can hear their voices in the whole house. Ignoring them, I take out my copy of Romeo and Juliet from under the sheets of my bed and open it to where I left off.

But, soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

I do not know why I take my pen out and cross out Juliet. It simply does not feel right that there is another name written than the sun actually holds. So I write James over it.

James, who smiles as brightly as the sun. James, whose light is all consuming, whose touch is as warm as the suns itself.

Pleased, I lean back, letting the pen spin between my fingers.

Juliet, James.

James, Juliet.

How similar. Both start with J.

Romeo and Juliet.

R and J.

Regulus and James. 

I put the book down, the pen with it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I have lost my mind completely now.

“Is this your room?”

“Oh, that’s so cool! You have a balcony!”

“Oh mio Dio, can I stay here, too?”

The voices are coming from the room next door. James’s room.

I quickly hide the book under my sheets again and grab the nearest other one.

And just in time, because shortly after I opened the first few pages, the door that connects James and my room is opened, an afro poking through it.

“And this is Regulus’ room?” Mary asks.

“Yes, it is,” I comment and just then her gaze falls on me.

“Oh, hi! We didn’t mean to disturb.”

“Hey, I want to see too.” Marlene pushes her into the room to have a look for herself.

“It isn’t that interesting,” I say but they are all already walking through it, Sirius and James watching them with a smirk on their lips.

“Hey, Reggie. Having fun?” Sirius says to me in French, barely able to contain his laugh.

I narrow my eyes on him. “Yes. Spectacular.”

“Hey,” James says to me before Sirius can open his stupid mouth again.

“Hi,” I reply and it is so awkward I have to look away.

“How cool that your rooms are connected like that!” Dorcas says.

Yes, how cool.

“Mh, right. I am so lucky. Now if you all don’t mind, this is my room after all so please, leave.”

Thankfully they do without further complaining, just a few confused glances.

“See you later, yeah?” James says, waiting for an answer before he leaves.

“Sure,” I reply, not looking up from my book.

“Great.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “Oh, by the way. Your book is upside down.”

We do see each other later when the girls and Sirius enjoy our pool, James watching them from outside. I join them and sit down on the edge, letting one leg hang into the water.

“I’m never leaving,” Mary declares and jumps on top of Sirius, half-drowning him. I might learn to actually like her.

“Enjoying yourselves, I see.” I stroke through the clear blue water with my hand, watching the water surface break around my fingers.

“You can join us, if you want,” Marlene suggests with a smile.

“How nice of you to invite me to go swimming in my pool.”

She laughs. “More like your parents' pool.”

“Mh, no. This is my pool, actually. After our dead’s death, Sirius and I inherited his land here in Italy, that includes that pool and the house we are so kind to let you stay in.”

Her smile drops a bit. “Oh, sorry. I had no idea…”

I wave with one hand. “Don’t worry about it.” I usually forget the effect the news of one’s father dying will have on others, since it is just something I have to live with every day.

“Thanks for bringing down the mood, Reggie,” Sirius says whilst playing with Mary in the water.

“That’s my job,” I reply with a grin, shrugging. I turn away from them, leaving them to their small pool party. “How come you aren’t with them?”

James just shrugs, turning his head away from the sun to me, those big hazel eyes staring at me through his glasses. “Didn’t feel like it.”

“Great answer.”

“You asked.”

“Your answer was shit.”

“Oh, great Regulus, I refused the, although sounding very pleasant, idea of joining my lovely friends to a cool swim in the hot summer air of Italy in 1978 because I, unfortunately, didn’t have the desire on this particularly day to wet my skin and hair, which is why I decided against the refreshment of cold water, which is also why I am now sitting here on the stone, letting the sun hit my skin while I am talking to you and listening to your infuriating talking. Better?”

“Now I am infuriating?”

He smiles. “Sometimes. And why aren’t you with them?”

I have to bite my lip to restrain my grin. “Didn’t feel like it.”

James throws his head back against the sun and laughs, his jawline casting a shadow on his shaking chest. My eyes run over his body, eager to drink every line, every curve and edge, in. “You really are funny, Regulus.”

“I hate fake compliments.”

He leans forward again. “Good then that this wasn’t one.”

“How am I supposed to know that?” I reply.

“Because I told you so.”

“And I’m supposed to just believe everything you say?”

“Why shouldn’t you?”

“Because you could just be lying to me without me even knowing, even though you tell me that it is the truth and then there I am, believing something untrue.”

“You can trust me, Regulus,” he says, more seriously. “I wouldn’t abuse your trust like that.”

“What if that was a lie as well?” I tilt my head.

“You will just have to believe that too, I guess.”

The worst part? I do. I believe every word he says.

Sirius has the brilliant idea, as he calls it, to make a bonfire after dinner, and the others are in right away, of course.

So, there we are, sitting together around a fire in our garden, talking about this and that. There is also some alcohol involved.

“I just have to ask because not knowing is becoming unbearable,” Marlene starts in the middle of a conversation between Sirius and James. “Where the fuck did ‘Prongs’ and ‘Pads’ come from?”

Ah, a good one. Silently, I have been wondering about this for years now but never got myself to actually ask.

“Oh, this is a funny story,” Sirius says with a grin, glancing over to James. “Do you want to tell it or shall I?”

“You go on. You tell it better anyway.”

Sirius leans back and drinks a bit from his glass. “Okay, so, mh, where should I begin…”

“Please keep it short,” I say.

“Yes, yes, okay. So, as you all know James and I went to the same school. When we moved to England and I met James, he was already in the soccer team so I tried to get in as well in order to spend as much time with him as I could because he was literally my only friend—don’t laugh at me, Dorcas. And—ugh, this is so embarrassing—I didn’t get in. Can you believe that? Look at my body, how the fuck didn’t I get in? Don’t say because I sucked, Reggie. No, they are just foreignphobic or something.

“Yeah, so, basically, I didn’t get into the soccer team. James of course didn’t want to quit and I wouldn’t make him, but we still wanted to do something together since we didn’t share many classes. And guess what, we both joined the theatre group. Yup, we were theatre kids. It was all fun and games, anyway, forward to our first play. We played fucking Bambi.” Laughter broke out, and Sirius had to raise his voice. “In 10th grade. Definitely not one of my proudest moments. Okay, so, James played Bambi, obviously, I mean, look at that cute face,” he said in a baby-voice, poking James’s cheek. “Blablabla and that is where his nickname ‘Prongs’ came from, because of a stag and yeah, you get the idea.

“I, however, was supposed to play that little annoying easter bunny. What was his name again? I don’t remember, but I said hell no not doing that but since there wasn’t anyone who wanted to switch—honestly, I wouldn’t have either—I just decided to remove the bunny from the story and just switch it with a black dog because they are way cooler. And because of that my nickname became Pads, short for Padfoot.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, very childish nicknames but we thought it was the coolest shit back then.”

“That wasn’t short at all,” I comment after Sirius is finally done with his story and the others cheer and clap.

“You talk about it as if it wasn’t literally only two years ago,” Mary teases.

“Great story, Pads!” James declares and raises his glass to toast on it. He may have had one or two glasses too much.

Oh no, this is giving me serious Friday the 13th flashbacks.

“You two are ridiculous, has anyone ever told you that?” Marlene says with a chuckle, leaning onto Dorcas.

“Once or twice, yes,” Sirius says, looking at James with a grin.

The night progresses and as the singing and laughing increases, and so does the amount of empty wine bottles next to us. I should really stop getting involved with Sirius’s party plans, they never seem to end well for me.

Thankfully, James is also his victim today and he will not be able to play the look how not hungover I am because I didn’t drink last night, not like you two idiots card tomorrow morning.

“I’m going to find the bathroom,” I say with a hick up and tumble a bit when I stand up.

“Do you need help?” James says, already reaching out with his hand.

“I think I will be able to hold my dick by myself just fine, thank you,” I blur out, his face turning red while the others break out in laughter. I do not know why I just said that. Where the fuck did that come from?

“Yes, I know, I just meant that—"

“I’ll be fine, James,” I say a bit more softly. With that I turn away, making my way over to the house.

Apparently, I will not be fine, since I somehow get lost along the way. How does that even happen? I must be drunker than I thought I was because suddenly I find myself on the tennis field at least half a kilometre away from my original destination.

The ground under my feet is hard and I let myself drop onto it, stroking over it with my hands, the coarse material rubbing against my skin.

The nights used to still be cooler than the days, but now that August is approaching, they too become warmer, the heat of the day sitting heavily in the air.

I do not really know why I am just sitting there, staring at the tennis field. Should I not be using my time better, not wasting it away with waiting and waiting for something to happen?

But for what? What am I so desperately waiting for?

Maybe I am waiting for something life changing to happen, something that will pull me out of my current life, something that will tear me into pieces but in a good way, in a way that hurts deep in my core but it is fine because that is exactly how it is supposed to be. In a way that will not only hurt in the moment but even years later when I think back on it and it will break my heart again and again. But it is fine because that is exactly how it is supposed to be.

Maybe I am waiting for a miracle, maybe I am waiting for fate to finally step in and show me the right way. Maybe I am just waiting for me to catch up with myself, and maybe that is just my life. Never feeling whole but also being too afraid to actually go out searching for the thing that could fix me and put me together again.

So I just wait.

And maybe I waited just the right amount of time because there he is. I did not need to go out searching for it. He found me, anyway.

“I wish I could take a photo of this.”

It is James. It is always James.

“Regulus Black, drunk on the tennis field, staring at the ground like a lost puppy.”

“I’m not a puppy.”

“What are you then?”

“Mh… a snake.”

“A lost snake it is then.” He sits down in front of me.

Oh, is he beautiful. Maybe that is part of why I hated him in the beginning. (I would still like to think that I hate him because I am not someone that gives up their beliefs that quickly, but that would just be a lie. Sadly. No one could ever hate James Potter.)

Because he is too beautiful. Perfect, almost. But not just because of his jawline, that casts shadows or his dimple, that appears on only his right cheek. His lips, that look soft and are just the right shade of pink, and is hair, that is even more of a mess than when he got here, because the hot air makes it puffy. He is beautiful not only because of his brown skin that glows under the sun.

No, he is beautiful in different ways, too.

And his heart might be the most beautiful thing about him. He asks me how my day was, even if he will just get the same boring answer because there is not that much to do around here other than sleep, swim and eat. Yet he will ask me anyway. And he is kind to everyone, even to someone who might not deserve it, and maybe everyone should be like that, but they are not, and that is also what makes him so special, because even though there hardly is anyone to return his kindness, he still remains the same sweet soul that he is.

And he is beautiful in the way that he is sitting right there in front of me, being all those things and even more.

And I am drunk.

“I thought you were going to the bathroom.”

“I was,” I reply, still playing with the ground beneath me. “But here I am.”

“Here you are,” he repeats and tilts his head and he is smiling at me and there it is, that little dimple of his. I want to poke it.

“What are you doing?” he asks and oh god, apparently, I do not only want to poke it but I am poking it.

“Uhm… you had something there,” I reply quickly and pretend to be wiping something away and then take my hand back again, although every fibre in my body protests because his skin is so soft. I could touch it for a lifetime and maybe even a little bit longer than that.

“Thank you,” he says. He looks right through me, I just know it.

“So, uhm,” I try for conversation, looking around me as if not everything is spinning and spinning from the unholy amounts of alcohol I have consumed. “How did you find me?”

“I—I followed you actually,” James says and rubs the back of his neck. “I know you said you didn’t need… any help, you know, but I just thought if something happened on the way and you were alone—that would just be unfortunate.”

“On my way to the bathroom?” I return, raising my eyebrow at him.

“Hey, you never know! And apparently it was a good thing I did so because look at you. How did you even get here?”

“I walked with those two legs of mine. And I am not in any danger, James. I just—lost my way, I guess.” I raise my chin. “That happens to everyone.”

“I doubt that, but okay.” He grins. It is a bit more lopsided than usual. He had a bit too much of that wine as well.

 I stub his chest with my index finger. “So, tell me, James. Why should I need your protection in this oh so dangerous neighbourhood?”

“I just feel like it. Like following you, I guess.”

“That’s a really weird answer.”

“Your question wasn’t any less weird.”

“That was a totally appropriate and justified question.”

“So was my answer.”

“Just feeling like following someone can hardly be an appropriate answer.”

“It’s the truth. I just wanted to be with you.”

I just wanted to be with you.

“Why?” I ask.

“Why?” he repeats.

“Don’t mock me.”

“I’m not mocking you!”

“Sounded like it.”

“Well, I wasn’t. I just don’t see why I need a reason to be with you.”

Oh sweet, sweet James. Of course, you would not. Everything always seems so simple with you.

“Maybe you don’t, but I would still like to hear one,” I tell him, watching his reaction closely. I’m not surprised that he does exactly that. He tells me a reason. He tells me several.

“First of all, because I just like to be with you. I simply enjoy your company, Regulus, there is nothing more to it. But also because I like the way you talk to me. Yes, even if it’s a bit rude sometimes. I like that as well. And I like seeing you, just looking at you. You are so beautiful, Regulus.”

I do not know what to answer. It is not like I have not thought the same things about him, but why is he saying it? Why did he have to say it out loud?

“Here. Those are my reasons. At least a part of them.”

“What about the other part?” I challenge, looking him in those deep hazel eyes, the world spinning around him. Maybe it is the alcohol, or maybe it is just him.

He smiles faintly. “I’m not sure you would want to hear the other part.”

“And how’s that?”

“Because you said you hated me.”

I look away. “I told you I didn’t hate you as much anymore. Remember?”

“Of course I remember.”

“Then why did you say that?”

“Maybe because I wanted to hear that you don’t.”

Why does he make everything so complicated?

“And why did you want to hear that?”

“Because I couldn’t live knowing that you hate me.”

I sigh. Something just broke out of me. Something bloody and rotten. James just took my heart. “I don’t hate you, James. I don’t know why you care so much about that anyway…”

“Because I just—I care, okay? I care a lot,” he tells me, fidgeting with the end of his sleeve. “I don’t—I wouldn’t want this to end badly.”

“What?”

“Us.”

I pause for a moment. “James, I don’t—”

“You told me no one breaks your heart,” he cuts in, looking up at me again. My breath catches, and the world stops spinning. “But I’m afraid my next heartbreak is sitting right in front of me right now.”

Chapter Text

I am not sure when it started. When I started looking at James differently. Or have I just been blind, lying to myself, the whole time?

Was it like that from the beginning on, when I first looked at him and thought for the first, and definitely not the last, time how beautiful he was? Did it start after our first proper conversation, the first time he asked me about me, when he took care of me that night in Florence, when we danced, when he followed me to the tennis field? 

When did it start and when is it going to end?

It.

What is it even? My lessened hatred for him, jealousy, maybe even friendship, sexual attraction? 

I have always felt at least a little bit lost in my life but right now I do not even know the ground beneath me.

I’m afraid my next heartbreak is sitting right in front of me right now.

I do not want to break James's heart, nor do I want to be responsible for any of his heartbreaks, not in the past, not now, and not in the future. Not ever. How could one break the sun’s heart and expect life to just go on as if it were not the whole reason living is even possible?

Had he meant to tell me that he is just as confused as I am? That he, too, cannot stop thinking about me, even though it barely makes any sense because how can one think so intensely about someone you barely know? Had he meant to tell me that he does not want us to be friends anymore (were we even friends?) because he thought I am not good enough? Or that he does not care about me breaking his heart because he was sitting there in front of me after all regardless of our predictable future together (is there even an us, a together?) and that he does not care because the time until exactly that heartbreak would be worth it anyway?

Do I want to break his heart?

I find myself thinking that yes, I actually do.

Because I want James to be in pain? No, never. Because he would deserve it? Not in the least. 

But rather because it would mean that I have meant something to him. I want to be someone he wants to break his heart over. I want him to think back at me and when he does, he finds his heart breaking but in a good way because I was worth it all along. The pain, the suffering, everything.

I want to mean something.

I want to be worth it.

I am not sure when it started. When I started looking at James differently. Or have I just been blind, lying to myself, the whole time?

Was it like that from the beginning on, when I first looked at him and thought for the first, and definitely not the last, time how beautiful he was? Did it start after our first proper conversation, the first time he asked me about me, when he took care of me that night in Florence, when we danced, when he followed me to the tennis field? 

When did it start and when is it going to end?

It.

What is it even? My lessened hatred for him, jealousy, maybe even friendship, sexual attraction? 

I have always felt at least a little bit lost in my life but right now I do not even know the ground beneath me.

I’m afraid my next heartbreak is sitting right in front of me right now.

I do not want to break James's heart, nor do I want to be responsible for any of his heartbreaks, not in the past, not now, and not in the future. Not ever. How could one break the sun’s heart and expect life to just go on as if it were not the whole reason living is even possible?

Had he meant to tell me that he is just as confused as I am? That he, too, cannot stop thinking about me, even though it barely makes any sense because how can one think so intensely about someone you barely know? Had he meant to tell me that he does not want us to be friends anymore (were we even friends?) because he thought I am not good enough? Or that he does not care about me breaking his heart because he was sitting there in front of me after all regardless of our predictable future together (is there even an us, a together?) and that he does not care because the time until exactly that heartbreak would be worth it anyway?

Do I want to break his heart?

I find myself thinking that yes, I actually do.

Because I want James to be in pain? No, never. Because he would deserve it? Not in the least. 

But rather because it would mean that I have meant something to him. I want to be someone he wants to break his heart over. I want him to think back at me and when he does, he finds his heart breaking but in a good way because I was worth it all along. The pain, the suffering, everything.

I want to mean something.

I want to be worth it.

Chapter Text

The next morning is awful, my own thoughts haunting me. I cannot look at James, let alone talk to him without feeling all this guilt and shame. Guilt, because he is Sirius’s best friend. He is my brother’s best friend, forbidden territory. He is the forbidden fruit, and I am hungry. And shame, because… he is a boy? Is it that? I am not sure. I am not sure about anything right now. 

“You’re different this morning,” Mary notices. 

“And you’re hungover,” I say back, but it is not just directed at her but basically everyone on this table. 

“She’s right, you are quieter,” Marlene says.

“Oh, how terrible that I don’t talk the whole time like all of you do. How terrible that one could enjoy a moment of peace and quiet,” I snap back. 

Dorcas chuckles. “I like you.”

“My only goal in life,” I comment with a sarcastic smile. They all truly are as awful as James and Sirius. But I should not be surprised, they are their friends after all.

“I usually don’t agree with Reggie,” Sirius states.

“What a great start.”

“But I have to agree with him on this one,” Sirius finishes, wearing his I’m hungover, please don’t talk to me sunglasses. “Some quiet would be nice right now.”

“This comes from drinking too much,” James says as he relishes his morning egg.

Sirius looks up, a groan leaving his mouth. “You drank more than me! How come you aren’t any hungover? That’s not fair.”

“Did you drink lots of water before you went to bed?” James asks. Sirius shakes his head. “Thought so.”

“Where did you go yesterday, anyway?” Marlene asks. “Didn’t see you anymore after you got up to go to the bathroom.”

I turn my head to look at James. What lie might he come up with?

“I went to check up on Regulus,” he says. Fuck, no lie. No excuse. Simply the truth. Was it the truth? I mean, he did come to check up on me.

“Didn’t know you weren't feeling that well,” Dorcas says in return, her head turned against the sun, eyes closed. 

I open my mouth, wanting to protest. I do not want them to think of me as weak or as somebody who needs James’s help. But just as I mean to say something, something touches me beneath the table. It startles me, and I end up saying nothing at all.

But then it nudges me again, this time a bit more fiercely, and I know. It’s James’s knee. Oh god, why is he touching me?

This is not fair. He should not be touching me like this. Because this is not just a friendly handshake or a pat on the shoulder. This meant for me and only me. This is private and it makes it so much worse. This is him saying to me I remember yesterday. I remember everything. Do you remember it too? but without any words. It is so much more intimate this way. I want to hate him for this right now but I just cannot. I cannot.

“Yes, uhm, I was really gone last night,” I finally am able to respond and when I look to the side, I can see James grinning as he ducks his head to hide it. 

Fucking idiot. 

Mary, Marlene and Dorcas stay the whole day (they are talking about staying the rest of the week, kill me right now) and I try to avoid them the whole day. All of them. Sirius and James with them. The latter one particularly. I never want to see him again. I do not want to feel his touch ever again, see his smile or hear his voice.

But I do. I do so much. I want all of it. I want to feel his touch again, see his smile, fucking feel his smile in whatever way possible and to hear his voice. I want him to talk to me and only me simply because he likes doing so, because he enjoys my company. He has told me that before. Is it still true? I hope so. 

I stay away from him, nonetheless. 

And still he finds me. 

“How come you always know where I am.”

“It’s like a sixth sense,” James says as he sits down next to me on the blanket beneath an olive tree. “My Regulus sense.”

“Your Regulus sense. This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

This is the cutest thing I have ever heard. 

“You’re lying. You love it, really.”

“Am not.”

“Are so.”

“Am not.”

“Are so.”

“Am—fuck, I’m not doing this.”

“But you are.”

I physically have to hold myself back from lunging myself onto him. “What do you want?”

“I just wanted to see what you were up to.”

“I was reading. Peacefully, without anybody distracting me. And I would still be reading, peacefully, if you hadn’t come. Now I’m just reading, not peacefully, with you distracting me.”

“You are still reading while I’m talking to you?”

“What does it look like to you?”

Actually, I am not reading. Just staring at the pages that could say anything and I would not know because all I am doing is listening to his voice. 

“It looks like you are just staring at the pages, not actually reading.”

My eyes snap up. “I’m really sick of you pretending you know me better than I do.”

“I thought we had established that I hardly know you at all.”

“Yup, you don’t.”

“But I want to.”

“I feel like we’ve had this exact conversation before,” I say, faking a sigh. 

“What are you reading anyway?” He snaps the book right out of my hands, looking at the cover. “Romeo and Juliet.” He looks up at me. “Do you like it?”

“Like? I love it. Have you read it?” I sound way too enthusiastic. Keep it down, Regulus. 

“No, but I’ve heard of it, of course. It’s a classic.”

“It is. You should read it one day. You can borrow it if you want to.”

“Yes, that would be great.” He starts flipping through the pages and I let him because why should I not?

Until…

James stops, staring at one page. “This is… so adorable.” I do not think I have ever seen him smile that much. Ever. And to say something in James’s case means something.  

“What?” I say and snatch the book out of his hands. “What do you—”

Oh. Oh no. No, no, no, no.

He opened the page where I replaced Juliet with his name. The page where I wrote his fucking name into the book.

… and James is the sun.

“You think I’m the sun?” he asks, tilting his head. He sounds a bit entranced and… quiet. Careful. He is not even mocking me.

“No—I’m—this is about another James,” I stutter. Fuck. “No, actually this isn’t about any James. You misread. Guess your glasses don’t work the way they should.”

He laughs. “They are working just how they are supposed to. Come on, I know what I’ve read. This is… Thank you, Regulus.” He smiles at me, his eyes all warm. 

“Well, it wasn’t a compliment,” I quickly say, trying to somehow get myself out of this truly humiliating moment. 

“How’s that?”

“See, being the sun isn’t necessarily something to be proud of. The sun is hot and too bright, it hurts your eyes when you look directly into it and it makes people sweat, which is honestly just disgusting.”

But it also makes plants on this planet grow, is the reason for all life on earth, makes people happy and is what we revolve around. But I keep those thoughts to myself.

“Doesn’t matter. You thought about me when you read this. I think it’s cute.”

“Why should I be thinking about you?” I return, still trying to save myself. Hopelessly, that is.

“I don’t know, you tell me,” he challenges and something in the air shifts. 

This should not be a big deal. This is just a normal conversation as ever. But it also is not. He is challenging me. What does he expect to gain out of this?

“What do you want from me, James?” I ask, coming straight to the point. Why speak riddles when you can just be straight forward? 

“I like you.”

“I know. You’ve said that before.”

“And that makes it any less true?”

“No, just more annoying. I don’t need to hear stuff I already know.”

He tilts his head and leans a bit forward, looking at me through those thick eyelashes. Why does he have to have such beautiful eyes? “So you want to hear stuff you don’t already know?”

My breath catches in my throat, my heart beat picking up pace. 

Yes. 

And no.

But also yes. Tell me everything I do not know, whether it be how the weather is going to be tomorrow or your darkest secret, desire, wish. Tell me everything and nothing at the same time for I care about nothing more than you. Tell me everything. 

But I do not nod. I do not say anything. I just stare at him, my heart threatening to escape my chest and hop right into James’s hands.

“You’re cute when you get red.”

“I’m not—fuck this.” I get up, grabbing the book. “I would very much appreciate it if you would stop always creeping up on me, it’s annoying. And for what I wrote just—forget it, okay? It never happened and you never saw it.”

I turn and take two stairs at once, hoping to escape this embarrassment somehow. But it follows me straight on. 

“Reg, wait.”

“Where the fuck did Reg come from now?”

“I don’t know, it’s just shorter, your name is so fucking long—ugh, that isn’t the point. Will you just—wait—” He grabs me by the shirt and makes me stand still, turning around to him. “Look, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, that wasn’t my intention.”

“What was your intention then, huh?” I snap back. 

“I don’t know! You are confusing me!” He is still gripping my shirt. 

“I am confusing you?”

“Yes, you are! Very much. Everything you do confuses me! Everything I do confuses me.”

“Well, sorry, but I can’t help you with that,” I return and want to turn back around but he is still gripping my shirt. “Let go—"

“I don’t want things to get awkward between us.”

“And why should they?” I challenge, testing if he is going to admit it. That he remembers what he said. That he meant it. I hope he does not. I do not think I could take it.

“Because of what I said at the tennis field… Look, Reg, I—”

“Don’t call me Reg, okay? And stop following me.” I can finally free myself from him and basically flee up the stairs until I am at the house again and in the safety of my room. My heart is pounding in my chest, James’s words still ringing in my ears.

Because of what I said at the tennis field.

I’m afraid that my next heartbreak is sitting right in front of me.

How could I let him get so close to me? How could I be this stupid?

Before our dad died and his side of the family started hating us (even more), I used to come to Sirius often for guidance and advice or just when I needed someone to talk to. And, like all Blacks are good at, he listened. Usually I was the one to do the listening but it sometimes felt good to let off some steam and talk your heart out to someone who you know you could trust. 

That changed, however. Sirius became more distant and although we still have our jokes and all, it just is not the same as it used to be. We used to be inseparable, really. With our age gap only being one year, we were like twins, and nothing could stand between us. Wherever you saw one of us, the other one was close as well.

I kind of miss that. When it was just us two.

People always say time heals wounds. But it also changes everything, sometimes for the worse. It changed us, too. For the worse? Mh, not sure. All I know is that I will never have the brother back that I used to have once. Now I am only another one of his friends. If even.

I knock at the door, loud music coming from the room. Sounds like David Bowie. (I’m pretty sure it’s Changes. Just a guess though, of course. I would not know.)

I knock again.

No response. Of course there is no response when he is blasting the music like that. So I just open the door, prepared for anything.

No. Scratch that. I am not prepared for this.

I slap my hand on my mouth, hiding the laugh that is creeping up my mouth as I watch Sirius dancing through his room, stopping on one leg and sipping around, his arms stretched out.

It truly is a sight to remember.

I would love to do nothing more than get the others so I have somebody to laugh about this later but I do not want to miss a minute of this.

And so I stand there in the doorframe, my arms crossed and just watch him, a smile on my lips.

Ah, maybe, sometimes, life is good after all.

With I say that may change me but I can’t trace time the song ends and Sirius remains with his arms thrown back, his chest out and his head thrown back before he breathes out and stands up, straightening his posture again. That is when he sees me.

God, he does not even have the decency to be embarrassed like every other sane person would be. No, he just grins at me, looking fucking proud.

“Didn’t see you there.” He quickly goes over to his record player, cutting off David Bowie as he begins to sing the first notes of Oh! You Pretty Things. 

“This was… a masterpiece. Thank you very much for your service.”

“Anything for you, Reggie.” He winks, dropping onto his bed. 

I realise this is the first time this summer, and also since last year, that I have been in his room. “Nothing has changed,” I say as I look around at the posters on the walls and clothes on the floor, his leather jacket thrown over the back of a chair, everything a big contrast to the fancy mansion this house actually is. 

“Why should it? I like things to stay as they are.”

“And yet you just sang Ch-ch-ch-changes just seconds ago.”

 He shrugs. “I like to keep my life interesting.”

“You just—”

“Reggie.” He leans back on the bed. “Although I always appreciate you visiting this lovely room of mine, I would still like to know what made you disturb my absolute banging concert I was just giving.”

“I thought concerts were supposed to have an audience.”

“So you just came to watch me make a fool of myself?”

I tilt my head. “Maybe?”

“If that is so—” He stands up to go over to the music player.

“Oh god, Sirius, no. One song was more than enough,” I say and step forward. 

“Is there a particular reason that you are here or…?”

“Mh, no. I guess I just wanted to talk.”

Sirius leans forward, intervening his fingers. “Ok, alright. You know, we… we haven't talked a lot lately.”

I nod, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. God, this was a bad idea. “Yes, I know. Uhm…”

“I hope you know that you can always come to me, right?” he cuts me off. “I know I haven’t been the best brother lately and maybe I should’ve been more there for you after… you know. And—and maybe I should be there more for you now because it’s only been like two years and it’s probably not easy for you and I swear I didn’t mean to abandon you like that, if you can say it like that, but I just didn’t know better. But now I do regret it, Reggie, a lot. I just don’t—I kind of miss us. Like, you know, what we used to have and—”

I turn around to face him. “Sirius, as sweet as this really is, I didn’t come here because I expect some kind of explanation or need you to apologise to me. We all have our own ways to deal with things and that was just yours. It’s fine, really. Don’t worry about it too much.”

“But I do,” he says quietly, fidgeting with his fingers in his lap. “I’m not the brother you deserve.”

If I am being honest, I would have never expected Sirius to feel this way. I always just thought he did not care much about me which, yes, probably is not fair to him and I should know better, but I have just always assumed that he kind of was done with me and that he found another life and other people that were more interesting and made his life happier. That is why I never really cared much, or rather did not let myself care. Because seeing Sirius happy was reason enough to not complain. He deserves to be happy and live a life that he enjoys and if that just did not include me, that is fine. Even if it hurts sometimes, I have learned to live with it. 

But now I am realising that, perhaps, I have been wrong all along. That he has thought about me and even regretted how our ways kind of parted. I know how to live with the pain of knowing that Sirius does not need me, but hearing that he thinks of himself as not enough and not worthy? That hurts even more. 

“Sirius, you are more than anyone deserves, okay?” I go over to the bed and sit next to him. “Don’t always think so little of yourself.”

“Thank you, Reggie. Really.” He tilts his head and smiles at me. “I hardly think you came to talk to me about my own insecurities, did you? What did you want to talk about?”

“Mh, nothing in particular. I was just bored.”

“Oh, so that’s how much my presence is worth to you? You come to me only when you are bored,” Sirius teases, throwing an arm around my shoulders. 

“Yes, well, usually I have better things to do,” I reply. “You seemed to get on well with Mary last night,” I point out, desperate for some kind of conversation topic because I quite enjoy his presence right now, but also because I am a nosey ass. 

“Well, yeah…” he replies, dragging out the yeah.

“I expect you two didn’t talk about it like sane people would do.”

“Nope, of course not Reggie. Who do you think we are?” He grins cheekily at me. “No, we just choose to ignore that it ever happened, which is honestly for the best. In the moment it was great but it just doesn’t feel right now. It’s just—it isn’t her.”

“You mean she isn’t him?” I ask carefully.

“I don’t know what you are talking about—”

“Sirius, please,” I cut in. “I know Remus was never just a friend to you. Even if you didn’t know.”

He breathes in. “Yes. Yeah, she isn’t him. I feel like no one will ever be him.”

Oh Sirius…

“And that’s okay,” I say. “There doesn’t have to be anyone that is like him or even comes close to him. The only thing that matters is that you are happy.”

“Aw Reggie, how come you can be so sweet to me and such a git to others? And with others I mostly mean James.”

I roll my eyes. “Ugh, don’t mention him.”

“Why don’t you like him?”

“I never said I don’t like him.”

“You said he was nice.”

“Ah, you remember.”

“Saying someone is just nice is like saying you want to murder them in their sleep but you don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings that you are talking to and who asked what you thought of them.”

“Funny ‘cause I actually did think about how I could murder him in his sleep. Or rather, how I can sell him to the mafia.”

He tilts his head, bemusement glittering in his eyes. “Reggie, oh my little Reggie. He has totally charmed you.”

I almost choke on my own spit. “Who? James?”

“No, our 60-year-old gardener.” 

“Haha, so funny.”

“Yes, James. But don’t worry, I know how you are feeling. No one can resist James Potter’s charm.”

“Then count me as no one because I very much can resist his apparently undeniable charm,” I lie. Oh, and how I lie. Because Sirius is right. No one in this world could ever resist the warmth of the sun itself. 

“Sure Reggie. Sure.”

Chapter Text

I knock on his door. No answer. Good. 

Carefully, I push it open in case James is in his (mine) room but just did not answer for whatever reason. I peak through the crack but when it seems to be empty, I push the door open and step into the room. 

Step one: Get in. 

Check. 

I quickly go over to one of my bookshelves and place Romeo and Juliet into the empty space where it had been a few weeks ago when I took it out. 

Step two: Place the book onto the bookshelf. 

Check. 

Step three: Choose a new book.

Most importantly: do not get caught. And even more importantly: do not get distracted.

I let my finger glide over the backs of the books on the shelf, quickly reading over each title to choose the next book. I stop. That is not a book I recognise. 

I take it out and look at the cover. It does not have one. Just a simple black binding. This is not a normal book, it is a notebook. I do not remember ever owning one that looks like that. 

Curiously, I open the first page. 

Diary by James Potter. 

God, how obvious can a person be? Might as well just write your address and bank information in as well.

And even though I know I should not, because it is something private and I have no right to do so, I flip through the pages. I do not actually read what he writes in it, of course. Well, not until I see my name. 

July 3rd, 1978

Dear Diary, 

He really starts with Dear Diary? This is so cliché.

Today I arrived at Sirius’. And damn, it’s an amazing house. I mean, he has told me stuff about it already but this is soooo much better than I expected. I swear, I could live here forever from now on. These are going to be amazing two months. 

I also finally met Sirius’ brother Reggie. Or rather Regulus. I guess Reggie is just a nickname Sirius uses for him. It’s kind of cute actually. I wish he would let me call him Reggie but he introduced himself as Regulus so I won’t call him Reggie of course, if that’s not what he wants. I feel like he would be really angry at me if I called him Reggie. He just seems like that kind of person. 

I imagined him quite differently actually. For example, I thought he would look much younger. Like yes, Sirius had said that he is only one year younger, but he doesn’t even look like that. He could also be as old as Sirius and me. Oh and he is much more beautiful than Sirius described him. Of course, why would he tell me that Regulus is beautiful? I mean, technically, that doesn’t hold any importance but it’s still just something I noticed. Particularly his curls, I think they are very cute. Of course everyone would think that but it’s just something I notice. Oh and also, he is so grumpy it’s honestly adorable. He was only mean to me the whole day but I don’t mind. I feel like we could actually become very good friends if he would let me. I really hope he does. I really want to be friends with him.

I’m really looking forward to the next two months! This is going to be a summer to remember, I feel like. :)

See you soon, James

Cute, beautiful, adorable. 

Is that what James actually thinks of me? He has told me before that he likes me but he thinks that I am beautiful? I hate the way my heart beat picks up pace. And he thought that from day one on, when I was nothing but horrible to him... I mean, I am still not that nice to him but it definitely improved. And he wants to be friends with me. Does he still feel that way? Or have I messed that up already?

“Like what you’re reading?”

I spin around. Shit. 

“Uhm, sorry—” I quickly put the diary back into the shelf. “I just thought it was a normal book so I opened it and—”

“It’s fine, don’t worry.” James walks over and leans against the bookshelf. “I would’ve hidden it elsewhere if I didn’t want anyone to read it.”

“So you wanted me to read it?”

“Well, not really.”

“Then you should’ve probably hidden it better.”

He tilts his head, amusement in his eyes. “So, did you like what you read?”

I look away, embarrassed. “Uhm, no. I don’t really care,” I lie.

“I don’t think so.”

“Then what do you think?”

“I think that you’re actually more flushed than you would like to admit, which is why you are now lying at me.”

“I am not lying.”

“You are.”

I groan. “And what if I’m flushed? What do you care?”

“After what you’ve read you should know why I care,” he says. Oh, he is brave today. What is he thinking, just saying all these things? He does not even try to deny any of it!

“Because you want to be friends?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Now you confuse me,” I admit. “Just say what you mean. Don’t speak in riddles like that.”

“I don’t think I can,” he says and looks at me. 

I like to think of myself as smart, so of course I do not miss what just passed between us. He hinted at something, I am no idiot. But what did he hint at? It was not friendship, that is for sure, or else he would have just said so. 

And deep down I know what he meant, but I do not let myself think about it. Hope is a fool's craft. And I am no fool. I will not fall for it, nor for him. 

“I was going to swim at the lake again you showed me on my first day here,” James says after I do not respond. “I’d love it if you came with me.”

“James, I don’t know…”

He steps forward. “Please. I do want to be friends so let’s do something friends would do, okay?”

“Okay, yes, fine,” I say finally. It took not even a lot of persuading on his part. I am pathetic. But with him looking at me like that, I can hardly say no to him, can I? “What about Sirius?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “He’ll be fine though. Meet me in ten downstairs?”

I cannot help but smile because he genuinely seems like he is looking forward to spending time with me alone. “Yes, okay.” Before I go over to my room, I turn around to look at James. 

But he is already looking at me.

“What the fuck is that?”

I point at the red vespa James is leaning onto, two helms in his hands. 

“That’s a vespa.”

“Yeah, I know what that is.”

“Then why did you ask?” He sounds amused.

I roll my eyes. God, he is unbelievable. “Because I don’t know what you would want with it.”

“Well, usually you ride it.”

“James…” I groan, tilting my head. 

He laughs. “Okay, okay. I just thought it would be fun to take the vespa and not the bikes. It’s also faster.”

“Since when do you know how to drive one?” I ask and cross my arms.

“Sirius showed me.” He reaches out and offers me one of the helmets. “Here.”

“Oh no, I’m not driving that.”

“Of course you are not. ‘Cause I am driving.”

“Nope, not happening.”

“Oh come on. Why not?”

“I barely know you!”

“You've known me for almost a month now!”

“Well then, because—because you will drive us to our deaths! It isn’t as easy as it looks, driving that thing.”

“I think it’s pretty easy actually.”

“I said no. Let’s just take the bikes.”

“But it’s so much faster!”

The thing is with James, it is always a lost fight which is why, only a few minutes later, I find myself on the back of the vespa, helmet sitting snugly on my head and James hopping on it before me. 

“Ok, just a few rules: Don’t put your feet down. Ever. And don’t resist the movement, just follow mine and you’ll be fine.”

“James, I know. I’m no stranger to riding a vespa.”

“Then you should know that you’re supposed to hold on,” he tells me.

I wish I could see his face only to make sure he was as red as I probably was right now, the heat creeping up my neck. 

“Oh, yeah—uhm, of course. Wait.” I move around a bit, making myself comfortable behind James—at least as comfortable as I can be sitting that close to him, fuck—and wrap my arms around his torso. “Is this—is this okay? Should I—”

“Everything is fine, Regulus,” James reassures me and quickly brushes over my hands and arms, my breath catching in my throat. God, how I hate what effect this simple touch has on me, how I close my eyes to properly take in the way his hands feel on my skin because it just happens naturally. How I imagine the way his skin would feel on mine in other places that might be a bit more unholy and how—

“Regulus?”

“Mh?” I choke out. 

He leans his head to the side to speak to me better and oh, this is so attractive. “I asked if you were ready.”

“Yes, yes you can—uhm, I’m ready, yes.” This is so embarrassing. What if he knows what I thought about? Would he judge me? I would. Does he? God, I hope he does not. I would kill to have him think about me that way—

What?

The moment he sets off, I cling tighter onto him, his stomach flexing underneath my touch.

Oh, this was a bad idea. A really bad idea. Why is he flexing his abs? Does he have abs? Yes, he does, I have seen them before. But somehow, I do not remember them clearly.

I wish I would. I feel like this is a fact I need to know right now. It is important for my survival.

I will tell him that. Yes, I will. He will understand, right? Maybe he will let me see them. Will he let me touch them without a shirt on? I hope so. Another thing that is important for my survival right now.

Ugh, I hate this. Why am I thinking about his abs? They should not bother me. Forget his his stupid abs or not if he does not have any, I do not give a single fuck about them. I do not care about him.

But I do. Oh yes, I do.

I actually care so much, and that is what makes it all so confusing and difficult. Because I should not care as much as I do.

I should not care whether he asks how I am or if he seeks my company or not. I should not care whether he sat next to me or Sirius at breakfast, and most importantly, I should not care that I am touching him right now only through very thin fabric.

I should not care about any of this stuff since this is James I am talking about here. He is just another boy, nobody special. He is just a friend of Sirius who is staying with us for only two months. He will be gone after this summer and I probably will never him again. I have been good at avoiding Sirius’s friends until now. I can do it once James is gone, too.

It is only this summer, only two months. But if it is only two months, then… No. I cannot allow myself to hope. Hope is a dreadful thing that will destroy one eventually. I will not hope. Hoping has never turned out well for me anyway, so why start now?

He is James, I am me. There is no us, no we, no together, and there never will be. He probably only sees me as Sirius’s little brother, anyway.

And still here I am, caring like the fool I reluctantly am. The fool who hopes that maybe that one touch meant more than James ought it to be, who hopes that he will set next to me although he barely does. The fool who gets excited when he is at the pool at the same time as I am because all I want is to see him in any place and at any time, at every place and all the time. I am the fool who cares after all.

James is right. It does not take us long until we reach the lake. Once we arrive, it is already mid-day, the sun at its highest and burning down at us.

I spring up and immediately take off my helmet, shaking my hair in the wind. “God, why is it so fucking hot?”

“Maybe because it’s summer,” he jokes, parking the vespa on the grass next to the street.

“Really, James? Thank you for telling me or else I wouldn’t have known.”

He grins at me. “Come on.” When he passes me, he takes me by the waist and pulls me along, laughing as he leads me to the lake.

Why is he touching me? Oh, why is he touching me? And how can I make it stop? How can I make myself stop wishing he would touch me a little bit more and a little bit longer and maybe once more after that and that time even longer?

In a hurry, he pulls off his shirt and dives into the water immediately, not giving me the time I very much needed to confirm to myself whether he had abs or not. Wanker.

“Are you coming or not?” he calls once his head resurfaces again, his hair still sticking into all directions.

“Yes, just give me a sec.” I quickly strip off my shirt, too aware of the fact that James is still looking at me. Has he wondered if I had abs? Is he disappointed that I do not, that there is nothing muscular about me?

I do not jump into the water like James did but take it slower, one stop after the other as the ice-cold water hits my ankles. “Fuck, how can you just swim like that? It’s freezing!”

“You get used to it,” he says and before I know it, he is closer, sprinkling water onto me.

“Hey, stop that!” I tell him but he just keeps doing it, laughing along and soon I cannot help but laugh as well. “Great, now I’m cold.”

“Literally five minutes ago you said you were hot.”

I tilt my head, raising an eyebrow. “Well, I am hot, am I not?” I joke.

“Yes, you are, Reg,” James says with a bit too much seriousness in his voice.

“I told you to not call me Reg” I say as I waddle further into the water, goosebumps all over my skin. Even if I am burning inside. Even if what he just said makes me want to fall to my knees. For dramatic reasons, but also because…. Because.

“But it’s so much cuter! Your name is pretty long and it’s exhausting having to call you Regulus all the time.”

“Then don’t call me at all.”

“But that would be a shame, wouldn’t it? Never saying your name again.”

My eyes follow my feet, careful not to step onto any sharp stones. “I could live with it.”

“Could you?” I only now realise that I am standing in front of James, the water already reaching up to my shoulders. I look up at him. If either of us took a very deep breath, our chests would be touching.

“Yes, I could,” I say. “It might surprise you but I don’t rely on your daily company to keep me sane.”

“That pains me to hear.”

“Why?”

“Because I do.”

“Do what?”

He tilts his head. “Rely on your daily company to keep me sane.”

“Shouldn’t that be Sirius’ job?”

“Maybe. He just drives me crazy, though. You, however,” he stubs my chest with his finger. Now there is no fabric between us. “You keep me sane. I feel like you are one of the only people I’ve ever met that I actually feel safe with.”

“Isn’t that going a bit far?”

“How?”

I look down. “Because, like I’ve already said, you barely know me, and neither do I. You should stop acting like you do.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I feel safe with you, does it?”

I nod, still not looking up. He is probably right. But is he not always?

“Ugh, this is getting way too serious,” I joke and hit him in the chest playfully, even if it only is because I am that desperate for some kind of physical contact. Maybe I am that pathetic. I do not care right now. 

“Hey!” he exclaims and once he gets hold of my wrists, he pulls me closer. I look up at him although I cannot see his eyes really well, his glasses are sprinkled with waterdrops. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“You were the one who splashed water at me in the first place!”

“So?”

“So… So I just wanted to get revenge.”

“And now it’s my turn again,” he says with a bright grin before he pulls me right into the water, the cold eating us whole. 

After the swim we lie in the grass, the sun drying our skin and hair. 

“I love this, James,” I say quietly, my eyes closed against the sky. 

He breathes out. “What?”

“Everything.” 

You.

“I do too,” he says and I can hear him readjusting besides me. “I like us here. Together.”

“Eh, it’s not bad.” He huffs out a laugh. “It’s not bad,” I repeat quieter with a smile, my head still turned up. 

A hand strokes my hair next to my ear then. Heaven help me. “What are you doing, James?”

“I’m moving your hair behind your ear.”

“Yes, I can feel that. Why?” I shift to my side, holding myself with my arm and oh, he looks so beautiful like that it is not fair. No one should be allowed to look as pretty as he does right now just after lying in the sun and being all sweaty and sticky. No one should be allowed to look at me with hazel eyes like that and pouty lips like the ones he has. It. Is. Not. Fair. How can you expect me to resist that?

“Because—because I simply felt like it.”

“You shouldn’t touch me simply because you felt like it, James,” I tell him and gently brush his hand away. 

“Did I offend you?”

I shake my head. “No, but you—you just shouldn’t. You can’t. It isn’t appropriate.”

“But why?”

“James…”

But he only moves closer, hovering just a few centimetres in front of my face. His eyes scan it, resting on my lips for a few times before he locks his eyes with mine. Someone wake me up because this truly cannot be real. I have told myself not to hope but oh, it is so hard when fate seems to want nothing more than for me to hope. 

“I like you, Regulus.” His breath hits my skin. 

“You’ve told me already that you want to be friends,” I breathe out, my own eyes snapping down to his lips over and over again because I just cannot help it. 

This is not fair. 

He smiles a bit. “I don’t just want us to be friends.”

“What do you want then?” I challenge him although I can already guess. But I just need to hear it from him, coming from his mouth, in his voice. 

“Tell me no and I won’t do it.”

“Do what?”

Don’t answer, don’t answer, don’t answer. 

Please answer, please answer, please answer.

“Kiss you. I can accept a no although I really wish I wouldn’t have to.”

“I—” I truly do not know what to respond because this just is not fucking fair.

You do not put a lion into the same small space with the zebra it has longed for for so long and expect it to restrain itself because it would be morally wrong to go after its instincts. Because this is all this is. An instinct. I cannot help it that I am swaying forward and it should not be expected of me. Not when he is right there and he is so close. Not when I have thought about this moment for longer than I would like to admit and not when he has shown me that he apparently wants the same thing as I do. You cannot expect me to not go after my instincts. “I think this is a really bad idea.”

“Is this a no?” he asks me and his hand is still hovering above my ear, so close to my neck where he could just pull me into a kiss right then and there without much fuss. Just fucking do it. Do not ask me, just do it. 

I bite onto my lower lip and shake my head. Because I might be a hungry lion and James my zebra but I also know that once I have tasted what it would feel like to taste him, I would not be able to stop. So I do not even start.

“Okay,” he whispers and pulls back. 

“I’ve made things awkward between us now, haven’t I?” I sigh and lean back as well, facing the other sun again. 

“Maybe a bit, but we’ll work through it.”

“Don’t you hate me now?”

“Why should I?”

“I don’t know. I’d probably hate myself right now.”

“I could never hate you.”

Oh, I hope that is true. I really do.

Chapter Text

After our almost kiss, James seems to just be carrying on like nothing happened, remaining the open and happy person he is. I am glad that he does not dwell on the moment and pretends it did not happen but also: why does he pretend it did not happen?

I do not want to forget it. I do not want him to carry on like nothing happened. Because something did. Something did happen and it seemed important enough to remember it. But also maybe that is just me? Maybe it is just me that saw more in it than it actually was. Maybe James has done the same thing with others as well and maybe I am just one of many to him.

But—the thing is, we have not even done anything. Nothing happened, technically and oh, I regret it now. I wish so badly that something had happened just so I could say I’ve had him too. You, whoever he has had before me, I’ve had him too. He has touched me too and has kissed me like he has kissed you so yes, I mean something. I mean something to him. I’m not just another flirt of his. I mean something.

But that did not happen. Nothing happened. And so I am just another flirt and nothing more. I am not a person he has touched nor one he has kissed. I have not been loved by him. I do not get to claim him as mine. I am just Sirius’s little brother and he probably felt pity for me, that is it. 

Chapter Text

I do not need to look to my side to know that he is there. It is like I just feel it whenever he is near me.

An instinct. 

“Hi.”

“Hi,” James says back. He just stands there for a while, next to me on the railing, both of us looking up at the descending moon.

I wish he would never say anything. His presence is more than enough for me. It is more than I deserve, anyway. It is more than he should give me.

“What troubles your mind, Regulus?”

“Mh?”

“You can talk to me. Whatever it is, you can talk to me, okay?”

“Yes, thank you, James.”

Sirius has said that before and Uncle Alphard had as well but it had never felt truly sincere. You can talk to me. They were all just empty lies, something they were supposed to say because that is just what family does, pretend like they are here for you and when you do come to them, they just brush it off.

Is James being sincere now? Or does he just feel obligated to say so because he feels like he needs to look after me after what happened yesterday? I do not want to just be a pity-project of his. 

“So?”

“So what?”

“I mean it, Regulus. Talk to me.”

“You don’t have to pretend that you care, James. It’s fine, really.”

“But I do.” He moved closer, his arm touching mine. “I do care. A lot, actually. And look, I won’t pretend that I haven’t hoped you would feel the same way as I do. But you don’t, and that’s fine. I still want to be there for you, though. As a friend, if that’s what you want. Or just see me as someone that will be gone after two months anyway so you can just talk to me, yeah? Just- don’t ignore me. Please.”

I breathe out. “See, that’s the problem.”

“What is?”

“You will be gone after two months so I don’t even know why you bother to form some kind of connection or friendship. It is not even worth it.”

“It is worth it to me, though.”

I drop my head between my shoulders, nodding. Oh sweet, sweet James… Everything always seems so simple with you. 

“You know, I don’t think I deserve you. Having met you.”

“How is that?”

“You… you are just too good. I am not. You deserve someone like—like Lily, probably. I bet she is just as good as you are.”

“Oh, Regulus. You too are good. I—this isn’t about Lily, is it?”

I shrug. I do not know. Is it? It seemed like it when I said it. I am not sure, though. I am not sure about anything right now. 

I do not know why I am suddenly crying, a teardrop hitting my intervened fingers. I quickly brush it away but James has already seen it.

“Come here,” he says quietly and I do not protest when he pulls me into a hug, holding the back of my neck and just—just holding me together, really.

His glasses press into my scalp but I do not mind. How could I ever mind having him so close to me? It is scary, honestly, how safe I feel with someone I have not even known for one month. I understand now why Sirius prefers me over him. I would do the same. 

And James is right. This is not about Lily or what he had with her. I do not really care about his past as long as he is here with me right now. 

“You’ll be okay,” he whispers into my hair and it is honestly embarrassing how this only makes me cry even more. But it is the reason he holds me even tighter against his warm chest so I allow myself to cry and cry a little bit more, until my eyes have dried out and my breath is steading again. “Better?” I nod. “Okay.”

I wish I never nodded because now he is letting go of me and I could cry again on the spot. 

“Yes, thank you, uhm.” I turn away, wiping my tears away. “Just pretend that never happened, okay? I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologise for, Reg.”

I look at him with narrowed eyes. “Call me that one more time and I’ll sell you to the mafia.”

“You’ve told me that a thousand times already, Reg. They are just empty threats. Reg, Reg, Reg, Reg,” he chants over and over again and I box him into the chest over and over again until it is just him calling my name between breathless laughs and me boxing him with a smile on my lips.

I wish that moment would never end. That he would never stope calling me by my name.

Chapter Text

After finishing Romeo and Juliet, I do not really feel like reading anything else. It is usually always like this after I have finished a book, I just cannot read something else right after finishing one. The pain is still too fresh. Now this might seem a bit dramatic but I think everyone that likes to read books knows what I mean. 

So instead of reading, I play the piano more now. It is kind of nice actually, filling the house with something else than that suffocating silence. I am still not as good as I used to be but I get better the more I play. 

“You play more,” Sirius notices when he walks into the living room. 

“Yes, uhm, I guess I just felt like it.”

“No, I like it. I like hearing you play.” He sits down on the sofa. “It reminds me of our childhood, actually.”

“Ah, yes. You’re right, it does. I just had more time then, I guess.” He nods. “It’s a pity you stopped, though.”

“Oh no,” he laughs. “You were always better than me.”

I grin. “Now that may be true but still. It was still nice.”

He smiles and nods and I know that he too is thinking about our childhood when the days seemed longer and brighter. 

“Ah, there you two are.” 

We both look over to where James is standing in the doorframe. 

Sirius immediately lights up. “How sweet that you were searching for us, Prongs.”

“Mates,” he claps his hands together, “I’ve had an amazing idea.”

“Oh, this can’t be good,” I say and look over to Sirius who nods in agreement. 

“Well, more like the girls had an amazing idea.” This cannot be good either. “So I was just talking to Marlene on the phone and she said that they were going out this Friday and she said she wanted us to come. So, how about we go to the club the day after tomorrow?”

“Oh no,” I say immediately. “I’m not going out with you two ever again. Last time it ended horribly for me so no, thank you.”

“Was it really that awful?” James asks and tilts his head, sounding amused.

I ignore him. Because no, it was not awful at all. “And it didn’t end well for you either, Sirius. Why can’t we just stay in and watch a film or something and eat pizza?” I ask, groaning. 

“Aw, come on, Reggie.” Sirius stands up, walks over to me and nudges my shoulder. “It’ll be fun with us, I promise.”

“Whenever you and fun are in one sentence it never ends well.”

“You don’t have to, of course, but it would be really fun if you’d come too,” James says. Begs, really. And I fold.

“Ugh, fine.” I throw my hands up, defeated. “Fine, I’ll come too. But you are paying for my drinks.”

James laughs and for that alone is it worth it already. “Yes, okay, I’ll pay.”

“Bonjour,” I greet him as Uncle Alphard joins me on the patio. 

His French is warm, like it always is. Like a comfort blanket. “Hello, my boy. Do you have one for me too?”

I nod and give him one of the cigarettes out of the pack next beside me. “Thank you.”

“You shouldn’t smoke. It’s not good for you,” I say as he takes a drag.

“You’re no better than I am.”

“Maybe, but I am still young.”

“Did you just call me old ? I won’t allow this kind of behaviour, Regulus.” Still, he smiles.

I laugh lightly. “I’m just kidding, uncle.”

“You are beginning to sound like James.”

My head snaps up. “Well, he’s a good person. We could all learn something from him.”

“Yes, I think so too.” He blows some smoke into the air and I watch it dissolve into nothing. “You like him, right? James, I mean.”

“Everyone likes James,” I say, trying to defend myself.

“But I think he likes you, too. More than you to.”

“I… Is that your impression?” I try to ask as innocently as possible.

“No, he told me.”

“He told you? When did he say that?”

Uncle Alphard just smiles and lifts his hand to stroke my cheek. “A while ago,” he says softly with a smile before he reaches back again and devotes himself to his cigarette again.

“Well, besides. It’s not important. I don’t care what he thinks of me.” I blow some smoke into the air. “He leaves in a month. It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course, my boy. Of course."

“You don’t believe me,” I note.

“No, I just know you better than you do. You’ll figure it out in time” he mutters and I pretend I did not understand him.

Does he know? Does he suspect anything? Oh, why does life have to be so complicated?

Chapter Text

I cannot believe I agreed to this. This was a bad idea. But it is already too late now.

The music is loud when we enter the club, bright and colourful lights flickering above our heads and people dancing and laughing and singing in front of us. It could be a vibe if I were not so horribly sober.

“Where’s the bar?” I ask and take James by the arm, dragging him forward. He follows me laughing.

“I’ll search for the girls then I’ll meet you at the bar, okay?” Sirius calls after us and I throw a thumbs up over my shoulder before we get lost somewhere in the crowd.

“Okay, what do you want?” James asks me once we find the bar where all that tasty alcohol is. So basically heaven.

“Something strong.”

“A round of shots it is then.”

He leans forward to scream at the bartender.

While I am waiting for the drinks, I look around, taking in the club. Objectively seen, it looks like a fun place and the people here seem to have a good time. Give me ten, maybe fifteen minutes, and I will be having a good time as well.

I just need to stop feeling so awkward. I am in a dark, loud, and crowded place. I am currently alone with James. Anything could happen tonight. And oh, I am nervous.

“Here,” James yells at me and hands me over a shot glass.

“Cheers!” I nudge my glass with his before we pour it down at the same time. I make a grimace once the liquid is down my throat. “Ugh, this really never gets better. Another one!”

James laughs and orders another round which tastes just as bad as the one before.

“Okay, now we wait.”

“For what?”

“For the fun to begin,” I tell him and oh, I should have eaten something before because this shit is kicking harder and faster than it should. “Woah, what kind of shots were these?”

“I don’t know,” he admits and I throw a glance at him. “You said you wanted something strong so I ordered the strongest shots they had.”

“You are amazing, James Potter,” I declare and stub him in his chest. Yup, the fun is slowly beginning.

“If two shots is all it takes for you to say that then I’ll gladly do it again,” he says with a wink and bless him, he asks me if I want another one.

“Are you trying to fill me up tonight, James?” I ask jokingly, leaning onto him. “Wine would do. Let’s take it slow from now on, yeah?”

We, in fact, do not take it slow because just about fifteen minutes later, James and I are chuckling like two ten-year olds.

“Guys, I’ve found—” Sirius stops when he sees us. “Oh great, they are gone already.”

“Hey!” I call out and greet Mary, Marlene and Dorcas with a hug each. James does the same and about half an hour later we are all laughing and talking and I am actually having a good time. I just wish I could do it without the alcohol sometimes. Maybe someday. Maybe when the awkward teenage feelings fade.

“Oh my god!” James suddenly calls out and grabs me by the wrist when the next song comes on. “I love this song! Come on!”

And before I know it, he drags me onto the dancefloor, screaming to the first lines of Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! by ABBA. I do not know if the others followed us or stayed at the bar but I do not care because I am drunk and James is touching me and I really do not care about anything other than being here with him.

“There’s not a soul out there, no one to hear my prayer!” the whole club screams and James and I with them. “Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight, won’t somebody help me chase the shadows away?!”

James is looking at me while singing and I cannot help but think I am a man. And it surely is after midnight by now. I could help him chase the shadows away.

And oh, how I want to.

How I want to be his man even if it is just for this short moment. I would also be his man for even a second if it meant that he even wanted me at all. I want him to want me in any way he can, for a millisecond or his whole life, for a short kiss or everything, physically or mentally. I want to have him at his worst or his best, or any part he will let me have. I would have him in any way if it meant that I do not lose him. Because the way he is looking and smiling at me right now makes me want to have him forever.

I could have him, I realise. If I were not so afraid.

The song ends way too quickly and I am immediately afraid that this—our—moment is over. But when the next song starts playing James just pulls me closer, grinning.

“You broke my heart ‘cause I couldn’t dance. You didn’t even want me around. And now I’m back to let you know, I can really shake ‘em down,” he mouths the intro to Do You Love Me by The Contours, nodding his head at me as his hand holds me on my lower back.

And because I am a lovesick fool, I place my hands on his shoulders and let myself be pulled closer until not even Satan and his sins could fit between us. I know I will probably regret this tomorrow but right now we are both so drunk that I can look above that.

The thing is, I am not even sure how drunk James is. He has drunk the same amount as I have but he goes through life like he is constantly high anyway so I am not sure to what extent he feels the alcohol’s effects.

And if he does not, what does it mean that he still wants to dance with me like that without being as gone as I am because I would certainly never do this sober.

But what if he is as drunk as I am? What does it mean that we only do this because we are both drunk as fuck?

God, truly only I could overthink everything while under the usually calming and soothing influence of alcohol.

I did not even know it was possible but as he sings Do you love me? Now, do you love me? he pulls me even closer, his hands around my waist and his hips swinging like waves in the ocean, pressed against mine. And even though I should be more than embarrassed right now, because if Sirius sees us dancing like that, we will have a hard time explaining this tomorrow morning, I am not. I am enjoying this way too much to feel any sort of embarrassment. The only thing that is embarrassing is how I want to remain in this exact position with James only for the rest of my life.

“I’m working hard baby,” I sing, moving my hands over his shoulders, and up his neck, his eyes locked with mine. “Well, you’re driving me crazy.” His hands glide over my hips and up my waist. “Oh don’t you get lazy.” I follow the movements of his hips with my own and oh, I have never been attracted by anything more than I am by James right at this very moment.

Just the way his locks stick on his slightly sweaty forehead, the way his eyes are shimmering as they scan my body up and down, remaining on my eyes and on my lips for a few seconds before his gaze drops onto where our bodies are touching. There is a small grin on his lips as he moves his hands over my back, going a bit more down every time and the way I can feel him shudder under my touch when my hands stroke through his hair.

Fire is burning through me, through my chest and every vein, blood pumping. Oh, I stopped breathing. And I can feel James through the fabric of our pants.

There is no point in denying it anymore.

I fucking want him.

So badly.

It is a bit awkward once the song ends and we part again.

“Want something to drink?” he yells at me through the next song. I nod and he takes me by the hand and pulls me over to the bar again.

Sirius and the girls are still where we left them but they are so invested in their discussion about whether the peanuts at the bar are disgusting or not that I do not think they saw us through the crowd. Besides, we were pretty deep in the dancefloor. All the other bodies should have covered us. Hopefully. Sirius, at least, does not seem disturbed in any way.

“Two waters, please!” James screams at the bartender again. When I open my mouth in protest, he just raises a finger at me. “Ah-ah. You’ve had enough to drink. You need to hydrate yourself now.”

“Alcohol is also something to drink, which is why it’s also very hydrating,” I throw back.

He just grins at me. “I pay for you drinks, so excuse me when I also feel responsible for your wellbeing,” he tells me and has the audacity to throw an arm around me as if it were the most natural thing in this world and turns to the others.

“Having fun?”

“James, what do you think about these peanuts,” Marlene asks him and points at the small bowl of peanuts that they are all bent over as if it were the most interesting thing on earth.

“They look good! Can I have one?” James reaches over but Mary slaps him onto his hand.

“Don’t fucking touch them! Who knows who has touched them already!”

“What is this about?” he asks as I slurp on my water and follow their conversation in silence, my heart still beating too fucking fast from earlier.

“We are currently discussing how disgusting these peanuts that are always at the bar are,” Sirius explains and damn, he is so gone, leaning onto the counter for support. They all surely caught up while James and I were dancing.

“They are not!” Marlene protests. “Sometimes, you just have to take a risk in life.”

“You can’t be fucking serious? Those things could have cancer or something in them,” Dorcas says.

“And what if you are hungry?”

“Then eat something proper!” Sirius tells her.

“You all are mental,” James says. “They can hardly be that infested. After all, we are here for a good time, not a long one.”

“Thank you!” Marlene calls out and throws herself onto James into a messy hug and in order to not drop her (which would be so embarrassing for both of them) he has to let go of me to catch her. I hate how I immediately wish for him to touch and hold me again but I try not to be too bitter about it.

But once Marlene has removed herself from James’s embrace again, he slings his arm around me again as if he just cannot help it and oh, how I love it.

“I won’t be discussing this any further,” Mary declares. “These things are fucking disgusting. If you ever catch me only near them just know that it actually isn’t me and I got kidnapped or something.”

“Noted, Mary,” Sirius says and raises his index finger.

“You are all mental,” I say once my water glass is empty. “Fuck, I have to pee.”

“No one’s stopping you, Reggie.” He steps to the side and points his arm to where the toilets probably are. “Have fun.”

“Thank you, Sirius,” I say with a fake smile and push past him. To my surprise James does not let go of me but rather follows me. “You know, like I’ve said before, I can hold my dick myself.”

“And I don’t doubt that but you shouldn’t go to the toilet in a club alone.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, fine.”

James waits in front of the cabin, standing awkwardly next to a couple in a heated make out session.

I cannot help but laugh when I see him. “Comfortable?” I ask as I go over to the sink.

“Totally,” James responds and is immediately at my side, leaning onto the other sink with his hips. “It’s not like I have anything against snogging or anything, you know.”

“Aha.”

“I just wouldn’t do it here.”

“Where would you do it then, James?” I ask, trying to pretend as if it were a completely normal conversation.

But it is not. Why is he talking about kissing right now? Kissing is a very dangerous topic when I am drunk.

“Somewhere more private.”

“Oh yeah?” I challenge.

Why the fuck did I say this?

“Mh.” He leans forward a bit and I cannot help but sway into his direction as well. “Yup, definitely somewhere more private,” he murmurs and just as I am closing my eyes a bit because I just cannot help it, he leans back again and walks over to the door and opens it, the music echoing inside. “Coming?”

Ugh, fuck him, honestly.

But also… fuck him?

I throw the paper towel into the bin maybe a tiny bit too aggressively and walk past James into the main room again. He wants to play? Oh, I can play.

I stop and turn around. “Do you maybe want to go somewhere more private? Outside, maybe? It’s so hot inside,” I say and fan myself some air with my hand.

“Uh, sure,” he says and I can hear the nervousness in his voice.

 Jackpot.

Do you maybe want to go somewhere more private?

Ha, he definitely thinks I want to snog him now. But oh James, I can play too.

I take him by his hand and lead him outside, careful not to get into the sight of Sirius and the others.

Relieved, I breathe out once we leave the sticky club air behind us. “Ah, that feels good.” I cross my arms behind my head and lean back a bit, breathing in the fresh night air, the world spinning around me. Maybe two shots would have been enough. But the wine… I feel a bit sick thinking about it.

“And this is more private?” James asks and looks around at the others who are smoking outside the club.

“Well, I’ll hardly pull you into a small side street, will I?” I pull out a cigarette pack out of my pockets. “Fuck, I don’t have a lighter.”

“Wait.” James rummages in his own pockets and pulls out a lighter. “Here.”

“Why do you have one? You don’t even smoke.”

“Because of situations like these.” He reaches out and I lean forward and put the cigarette in my mouth, locking eyes with him as he lights it.

“Thank you,” I mutter and blow out the smoke, leaning against the cool stone wall.

“I still think it’s unhealthy, though,” James tells me.

“And I didn’t ask.”

“Still, you should take care of yourself. Those things will kill you one day.”

“James,” I sigh. “I really don’t give a fuck, okay? Just let me have some fun for one miserable minute.”

“Okay, okay.” He throws his hands up. “I was just saying.”

“Mh, thanks.”

“You know, this isn’t exactly what I imagined when you said you wanted to go somewhere more private.”

Interesting. “Then what did you imagine?”

“Oh, don’t play with me Regulus. You know exactly what I imagined.”

I tilt my head. “Don’t you even have the fucking balls to tell me what you want?”

“What do you want to hear?” He leans onto his side, towering above me.

“The truth.”

“Well then.” James leans down close to my ear, his voice making me shiver. “I want to kiss you so badly right now you have no idea. Ever since our swim in the lake I cannot think about anything else anymore. You make my head spin, Regulus, and my heart race. If only you knew what you’re doing to me.”

“Then why don’t you kiss me?” I choke out.

He chuckles as he pulls back again, eyes locking. “I told you I will only kiss you if you really want me to. Do you want me to kiss you?”

“I want you to want to kiss me so badly that you don’t even ask,” I breathe out because that is the truth, really. How sweet this all is, I do not want him to wait for my answer because my answer will never be yes. I can never truly say yes because something in me still wants to say no. Not because I do not want to kiss him, god, I want to so badly, but because I am afraid of what will happen after. Of the heartbreak that would most certainly follow.

I could never say yes, but I still want him to kiss me like nothing else in this world matters.

When James still does not answer, I throw the cigarette onto the floor frustrated. “Ok, fuck it, let’s dance.”

I pull him inside and we dance the alcohol away until it is deep into the night and I can pretend that we are living another life, in another universe, another reality. Real life will catch up faster with us than we will realise.

For now, I let myself enjoy this moment.

Chapter Text

It is August already. James will leave in less than a month. I try to think about this as little as possible. Technically a month is still a long time. 30 whole days. That’s 730 hours, 43800 minutes or 2628000 seconds.

Technically, that is a lot of time. Practically, it is not. Not when I’ve been wasting away a whole month and still continue to do so. 

It seems simple. Go up to him, take his face between my hands and just kiss him. James has made clear several times now that he is in fact not turned off by the thought of kissing me. But for some reason it just is not that simple to me. Something still holds me back and I hate that little part of me that just cannot take a risk for once.

Because I am wasting so much time, and I will never get that back.

Chapter Text

Pandora was the first person to talk to me when we moved to England. Now, that makes me sound like a complete loser but I just did not know anyone (obviously) and did not feel like making the effort to make new friends. I did not want to disturb anyone or make anyone feel like they had to take care of me just because I was the new kid.

But then there had been that person with the white hair that everyone had already labelled as the freak of the school and they just came up to me after my first week and were so nice to me that there was really no way of me not becoming friends with them.

I do not regret it. They are amazing and we are similar in many ways. Okay, they might actually be kind of a freak, but that does not have to be a bad thing, does it?

We bonded over many things, mostly over the fact that their family is very similar to mine (strict, abusive, all that jazz) and that they were born in France as well, although they had moved to England when they had been a little child.

Since they are a bit bolder and louder than I am they often get in trouble and get their phone taken away by their mother, so we started writing each other letters whenever they cannot call. It became kind of a habit.

Dear Reg!

Sorry for not writing but I was kind of distracted to be honest. I met someone ahhhh you won’t believe how sweet she is. She is honestly the most beautiful person in the world. You would love her! Maybe you could visit me in France? Summer isn’t over for another month so maybe it will be fun? Just an idea, I know you love it in Italy.

How have you been? Has anything interesting happened ;) ? Have you finally met the love of your life???? I really miss you, you know. It just isn’t as fun without you.

Love you, Pandora

(P.S.: mum is being a bitch again, don’t call)

I turn over on my bed and take my pen and paper.

Dear Pandora.

Thank you for finally writing to me, I was beginning to worry. You can’t just let me in the dark for a whole month.

But I’m glad you met someone. You deserve it, really. If she doesn’t treat you right, I will kick her in the balls. (This is a joke, I know girls don’t have balls. Please don’t give me another biology lecture.) And no, I haven’t met anyone. It’s very boring here, nothing interesting happened. Sirius is… well he is Sirius. You know how he is. I’ve met some of his friends but they are just as annoying as he is.

Looking forward to seeing you again.

Reg

(P.S.: I would love to visit you but I’m not sure I’ll have time… I’ll write you, I promise)

I know I could tell them about James. I probably should, they have great advice usually. But what is there even to write about? That there is some boy that likes me and I like him back but nothing serious has happened between us? No, I will not bother them with that.

I silently promise myself to write to them once something happens. If anything should ever happen.

Slowly, I am starting to get impatient. I am so sick of waiting and waiting and nothing happening. The thought of James leaving in under a month hunts me even in my sleep and makes me paralyzed. I just cannot shut down all this need and want that I feel for him, and it is getting harder day by day.

Somehow, James always finds me. I am not sure how he does it. He called it his Regulus sense one time. Maybe I have one for him as well because every time I know it is him without even having to look.

“Hey,” I say, floating on the water surface of our pool.

“Hey.” Oh that voice. That sweet, sweet voice. I could listen to it for hours. “Cold?”

“Mh?” I break my relaxed state and let my body drop in the water again, blinking over at him.

“The water. Is it cold?” he asks me, standing at the other end, looking right at me.

“Isn’t it supposed to be cold? I mean you go for a swim to cool yourself on a hot summer day. One like this. So it wouldn’t really make sense if it weren’t cold, would it?”

He tilts his head and I can see that he is smiling. “Will you ever give me a straight answer?”

Now I am smiling too because I just cannot help it when I am with him. “I don’t think there is anything straight about me, really,” I say because, apparently, I am a bit bolder today than usual.

He does not answer for a good minute. Shit. I should not have said anything. Did I give too much away? Was I too direct?

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” he asks finally, a grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.

I nod slowly, my chin dipping into the water and waiting for a reaction.

After a short while he rubs the back of his, looking around. “You’re making things really difficult for me.”

What kind of answer is that? Does he mean that I am bothering him? Or that he is trying to resist me but is failing?

“My intention isn’t to make your life harder,” I say and swim towards him.

“I never thought so. Doesn’t make it any less true, though.”

“So I am?” I ask.

“You are what?”

“Making your life harder.” I heave myself up and let my chin rest on my arms, staring up at him.

“Maybe.” He crouches down, reaches forward and plays with my fingers. He strokes over a nail, a knuckle, a mole, his brown skin glowing in the sun. His skin colour looks so beautiful like that, contrasting against mine. “But maybe I want you to.”

“You want me to make your life harder?” I hate how breathless my voice sounds.

James smiles, still looking down at our fingers. “I want to know you. Properly know you. Wake up next to you every morning and watch you all day, and if that includes you making my life a bit harder, so be it. As long as it includes you in it.”

“Watching me all day, huh?” I look up, tilting my head. “Sounds a bit creepy, don’t you think?”

“It’s the truth. I could never get bored of you.” He meets my eyes and I can see the sincereness in his eyes. He meant every word.

“You will, though. You will eventually get bored of me and then you will wish you had never wasted any time on me in the first place.”

He frowns. “Don’t say that. Don’t put yourself down like that.” He is still playing with my fingers and hands, every little touch sending shivers down my body.

“I’m not putting myself down, I’m just telling the truth. Regardless, you’ll leave in under a month. You should use that time wisely.”

“Like?”

I raise an eyebrow at him. “Like spending time with Sirius who you came here for in the first place, remember?”

“Well…” His lips curl. “He isn’t nearly as fun to be around as you are.”

A laugh escapes my mouth. “Don’t tell him that or he will kill you and me along with you. He’s one of the jealous types.”

“Then so be it.” James raises his chin proudly. “I wouldn’t mind dying for you.”

“Do you say that to every person you’ve known for only a month?”

“If I mean it.”

And how I wish he does. That he means it. Every word.

Because I want to be worth it. Heartbreak, and even death.

I want to be the reason someone would go through all the pain in the world for me. I know, that sounds extremely dramatic and maybe even a bit self-centred, but it is the truth. I want to be worth the bad parts as well.

“What are you two doing?” a cheerful voice asks behind James. He withdraws his hand and sends me an apologetic look right after. But I understand. I would have done the same. Yet it still hurts, being someone’s secret, in whatever way.

“James asked if the pool was cold,” I say and push myself off the edge, putting distance between us.

“What kind of question is that?” Sirius asks and throws James a confused look. “If the water wasn’t cold, he wouldn’t be in it, would he? Who wants to swim in warm water on an already hot day?”

I throw a look at James. “See? That’s what I told him as well.”

“So, Reggie? Is it cold?” Sirius asks me bemused.

I roll my eyes. “Yes, Sirius, it is cold.”

“Well then.” In a second, he has pulled his shirt over his head and dives into the pool, splashing water all over me.

“Sirius! You idiot, watch it!” I yell at him but his only response is laughter and even more water being splashed at me.

At some point James joins in and springs into the pool as well, now two idiots annoying the shit out of me.

The thing is, I have a very bad crush at one of those idiots and that exact idiot happens to touch me sneakily every opportunity he gets. Be it a brush around my waist when he swims by me or a tug at me waistband when he dives through the water. Or just him brushing my wet hair out of my face as casually as possible, although the look in his eyes say it all.

And every minute, I am falling harder and harder.

I have told James I was the one to make his life harder but really it is him that is making my life harder. Because with every minute passing, I can feel myself being more lost, and all I see is him before me, and nothing else matters.

Chapter Text

It has kind of become a tradition for the Black family. To have issues, that is. That does not exclude Sirius and me. Not in the least.

“Sorry that I’m trying to protect us,” Sirius says with annoyance in his voice, smoke in the air. 

“I never accused you of not doing that, just—she isn’t as bad as you make her out to be.”

“I can’t believe you still defend her!”

“I’m not defending her! I know what she did but you sound like you would rather die than want her to visit us!” I stump my cigarette into the ashtray. It crumbles beneath my fingers. 

“Sorry that I don’t want that horrible woman to disturb our peaceful summer.”

“That woman is our mother, Sirius.”

“Doesn’t make her any less horrible, though.”

I roll my eyes. We have had this—discussion, more like it—about Mother visiting us here in Italy this summer a million times before. She usually spends her summer in France to visit our family or has some unresolved business in England, which she has to take care of.

I am not particularly mad about it. It is not like I overlook all her flaws and everything she has put us through, but after all, she is still our mother and I still would like to see her and talk to her. You do not just stop loving your own mother. 

But apparently, Sirius already has. 

“I’m sure it will be fine.”

“She has poisoned you with her tricks, Reggie.”

“I’m very much aware of all her problems, Sirius. I’m not trying to excuse her past but you can’t pretend that she doesn’t exist. You can’t ignore her forever.”

“But I’ll try, nonetheless.” 

I roll my eyes once again. 

“You’ve always been the good one. Her good little son.”

My head snaps to him. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m just saying… You’ve never been the one to defend yourself much. You’ve always bent yourself under her expectations.”

“Now you are just being unfair.”

“It’s the truth, though.” 

“I can’t believe you. You are blaming me now?”

“No, I’m not blaming you for anything, Reggie.”

“But that’s exactly what you’re doing right now. You are blaming me for all the stuff she’s done by accusing me of not standing up to her. Sorry that I was still young. Sorry that I was fucking afraid.”

“Ugh, you’re so dramatic right now.” Sirius leans back and brings another cigarette to his lips. 

“I’m not dramatic! I just can’t believe what you are saying right now!” I stand up. “That’s really a new low for you, Sirius. You of all people should be understanding.”

“Come on, Reggie, I didn’t mean it—”

“Oh yes, you did. You meant every word.” 

I do not wait for an answer but just turn around and walk away. I do not even know where to but just away from him. 

It hurts me that he blames me for her faults. I can admit that I have been more forgiving or did not see Mothers flaws as early as he did, but that is just because I was fucking terrified of the truth. Of my life having been a lie, her love. Everything.

I do not believe that she does not love us anymore. I think in her own twisted and rotten ways she still feels some kind of love for us. And I do, at least. I still love her. And not even less than before. That love just hurts more than it warms me now. 

I do not know where to go. Just away. Away from this house where our father had grown up in, away from Uncle Alphard who reminds me too much of him sometimes. Away from Sirius who does not understand my position and likes to think of himself as the only victim in this story. And away from James. 

Being alone. This is all I need right now. No one telling me what to do or what to think. 

So I take my bike and just ride away. I do not have any destination in mind, I just let the air hit my face, run through my hair and brush it away, my thoughts with it. I do not want to think about anything or anyone. I just want to live in the moment for once, not worrying about the past or dreading the future. 

It has been ten, maybe fifteen, minutes when dark clouds creep up.

“Oh shit,” I mumble when I feel the first raindrop hitting the tips of my nose. 

Great. This is just great.

I am soaked within a minute.

I take a turn to the nearest free space where I can park my bike. Thankfully, there is a small bench under a tree so I will not get any more wet. 

And then I wait. Listening to the sound of rain hitting the gravel road in front of me and the leaves above me, the world sounding unusually quiet in between thunderbolts. 

I do not mind sitting here. In fact, I actually enjoy it. It is kind of soothing to watch the world disappear around me, everything in a grey-blue wash, the world hidden behind a rain wall. 

That is why it takes me a moment to make out the small figure at the horizon, coming slowly at me. 

I squint my eyes, trying to identify the shape. Then it hits me. Because I know only one person with those broad shoulders, with messy hair like that, and only one person who would be metal enough to drive a fucking vespa through the rain.

“James.” His name punches out of my lunges, an automatic reaction. What is he doing here?

I spring up and run forward onto the road, shielding my eyes with my hands, trying to see something. The rain is pattering onto me even harder now. Like a shower being turned on, the rain drops hitting my skin like small needles. But I do not care. Nothing really seems to matter with James. It all becomes so simple. It is just… him. Nothing else. 

He gets to me within a few minutes. 

“James?!” I call through the thunder that is now roaring directly above us. 

“Regulus!” He springs off and lets the vespa hit the ground, running the remaining distance. “There you are!”

“James, what the fuck are you doing here?!”

“I came to get you,” he says simply. 

It all seems so easy with him. 

“Get me? But—James, you are fucking soaked!”

He runs his fingers through his hair, raindrops gliding down his forehead. “That doesn’t matter.” He waves dismissively at me. “I saw you leaving and you seemed upset and I didn’t want you to be upset so—”

“So you followed me,” I breathe out, not sure if can even hear me. “James, this is crazy. You are fucking crazy. I’m fine, okay? You shouldn’t have put yourself into danger just because—”

“It’s you,” he interrupts me and I tilt my head, looking at him questioningly. “It’s you,” he repeats himself, a bit more breathless this time. “This is reason enough. To put myself into danger. I would—I don’t care about anything else when it comes to you.”

“This isn’t really about me being upset, is it?”

James looks onto the ground, his gaze flickering over the water filled road. “No. I mean, yes, of course. I do care why you are upset and I wanted to check up on you and see if you wanted to talk but really—I can’t keep doing this anymore.”

My heart immediately stops. 

Oh. 

I have driven him away. I have waited too long.

“Okay,” I say slowly, backing up a bit. “That’s fine, really. I understand, you don’t have to justify yourself—”

“What?” James draws his eyebrows together. His eyes immediately widen when he understands. “What, no! No, Regulus, not like that.” He reaches forward, grabbing my arm. “No, I didn’t mean—Ok, here, listen,” he begins but I am barely listening because all I can think about is how he came after me. How he came to check up on me even though he did not know what had happened or if I was even upset in the first place. He came after me. 

Me. 

And we are still standing under the rain. 

“I’ve thought about this a lot,” he admits. “About whatever grand gesture I could do to show it to you or what poem I could write to finally make you see it but—but in the end, it just didn’t seem right. Nothing seems right anymore.” He chuckles, a nervous tone in his voice. “You make me rethink everything every single day and I don’t—I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alive. You make me feel alive, Regulus. And because of that I can’t go on like this any longer. Because it’s fucking tearing me apart. I just—look, I have probably liked you ever since you came down those stairs, Regulus, even if I didn’t understand it then. But I know it now. I like you so much. I just couldn’t help it. And I understand that you are scared but I just—I can’t go on like this any longer. I tried waiting but it—it’s too much now. I can’t do it any longer. I need to know because I don’t want to go chasing after someone that doesn’t even want me in the first place.”

“What do you want from me?” I ask breathlessly.

He tilts his head, catching my eyes with his. “The truth. Just tell me what you—what you feel for me. Please, I need to know. Because I think you like me but then again, I’m not sure, because—”

“I do.” The words leave my mouth before I can think about what I am saying. 

I do. 

“You do,” James repeats a bit slower. 

“Yes. Yes, I do like you.” 

There. I said it. I cannot get myself to give him a speech like he did. I do not even know how to say so much to only one person. How to feel so much for only one person. But I do. I do feel so much for the boy that is standing in front of me right now.

Two words. 

Three letters. 

I do. 

Never would I have thought that such insignificant words could have such an impact.

A smile creeps up James’s lips until he is full on grinning, and my heart is fucking burning, warming me from the inside out, and even though we are in the pouring rain, I have never felt this homely. Because that is what he feels like. Home. 

“Regulus?”

“Mh?”

His eyes land on my lips and I know what he is going to ask before he even says it. It is written in his eyes. “Can I kiss you? Do you want me to kiss you? Fuck, Reg, can I—just—please.”

I let my hand glide over his wet sleeve, over the curve of his elbow and the bump of his shoulder. Over the bone of his collar and the length of his neck, until my hand is cupping his cheek. I pull him closer, maybe a bit too forcefully because he stumbles, catching himself just in time, his hand grabbing my waist for support. 

“Yes,” I manage. My other hand glides down the back of his neck, holding his head in place. His eyes rest on mine and it is like the world stands still. I have read about this in hundreds of books but it is true. The world seems endless and time forever when I am with him. “Yes, James. You can kiss me.”

And he does.

He kisses me. 

And oh.

Oh.

All I can think is yes, this is where I belong, under the touch of the sun. 

The kiss is neither soft nor passionate. It is desperate. Desperately trying to make up for the time we have lost and the little time we have left. Because even though time seems like something foreign, like it does not exist when I am with him, it is still very present. 

And oh, how it is slipping through our fingers.

Chapter Text

Love is messy. Something complex, something you do not understand until you have experienced it yourself. At least that is what always thought. 

Now, I am not so sure anymore. I am not sure about anything anymore, really. 

When I arrived here in Italy at the end of June, I walked into our house with the intention of having a relaxed summer. Of calming down before my last school year. Of maybe spending some time with Sirius before he leaves. 

James has never been part of that plan. He never should have been. But it is too late now. I cannot take this back anymore. I do not want to. 

Because when I am with James, I feel the most comfortable I have ever felt. He does not judge me for my bad habits, does not mind me whining about the smallest things. He enjoys just spending time with me without requiring me to say anything to him. To speak. 

Our connection goes beyond words. Beyond a conversation, how meaningful they might be. At least that is how I feel. I am not sure he feels the same. 

But that may just be my head. My own thoughts. 

The thing is, I have always been scared of love. Well, not of love itself, but rather what comes after it. What happens once it lets you down. What happens after you have devoted yourself to it in every way possible. Because somehow, it always ends badly. 

I have been let down too many times. Been hurt too many times by too many people. It was like this with my father, when he left us after promising us a whole life together. He was not perfect but who even is? Are we not all a little bit broken inside, even if some cannot see it? Are we not all hurt in ways others will not understand? 

I miss him. A lot. 

I think every child who has lost a parent too early in their life will always feel like something is missing. Because the love you felt for that person does not leave you. It is still there. The thing is just that now it has nowhere to go, no one you can give it to. 

And it is not fair. Because how can another child still laugh with their father and hug them tightly? How can other children experience the warmth of a loving father but I cannot anymore? Why was it taken from me? 

I loved my father. A lot. I still love him. But he left. 

And now I just do not love him anymore, I have to miss him too. And it is fair.

Why do I not get to love without having to pay a price? Why do I not get to love unconditionally?

I am scared of what comes after love, but I am also scared to love. Loving people has not gotten me far. They only ever left me. My father, even my mother. Sirius.

And after everything that has happened, for every crack my heart had to endure, I am scared to love James. 

I am probably taking this too far. No one is speaking of love here. But my thoughts do not care about this. They just go where they want to go, following a path I sometimes cannot follow. 

And right now I am lost. 

I am just so lost. 

Chapter Text

I am not sure how to act the next morning.

It is not like we parted in any awkward way yesterday but now, after we have slept on it, I am scared that James regrets it. Regrets me. Or does not want to remember me. What happened.

But I want him to remember. I want him to want to remember it. Every kiss, every touch, even if it was not much.

“Good morning,” I mutter, my head lowered, when I join Sirius and James at the breakfast table.

“Morning,” Sirius says, sounding tired.

“Good morning.”

I hate how my head snaps up immediately at the sound of his voice.

I try to find something different about him. Something different… In the way he looks like or looks at me? In the way he appears to me? How he seems? How he acts? I am not sure. Just something different.

Maybe because I am trying to see if the kiss had any effect on him like it had on me. If I had any effect on him. I hope so. I really hope so because I do not want to stand here like an idiot, hoping for someone to notice me the way I notice them, hoping for a simple sign or a gesture that tells me I have not forgotten. I remember. I do not regret it.

But he gives me nothing. And my heart starts to sink.

He just looks at me with the same warm eyes he had looked at me with the first day he arrived here. He speaks with the same voice he had introduced himself with.

There is nothing different about him. But maybe it is just me that has changed.

Do I regret it?

I have not even considered the possibility of me being the problem here. Maybe I am the one who has changed to the point where I do not want it or feel the desire to kiss him anymore.

Can one's feelings and wishes even change that quickly? Can I have changed so quickly?

Am I different now?

My head and thoughts become blurry, making me feel dizzy and like it is all just too much. But when I look at James and he looks at him, I realise that neither he nor I have changed.

And that is not a bad thing.

On the contrary, it is good. Because I can see in his eyes and feel it in my soul that we both do not regret anything. That we have not changed, for the feelings that have lingered between us the weeks before yesterday have not diminished the tiniest bit.

No, I think we are both fine. We are alright.

I take my seat opposite James and Sirius and take a slice of bread out of the basket.

“Have you slept well?” James asks me casually while he is slicing an egg open as if he did not have his tongue in my mouth less than 24 hours earlier.

“Yes, uhm, fine.”

While we are eating breakfast, I feel a leg touching mine under the table. My heart picks up pace, yet I relax at the same time. It is James’s way of telling me that he remembers and does not regret. It is his way of telling me that it meant something to him as well.

“Uhm, Reggie?” I look over to Sirius. “Could we maybe, you know… talk?” he asks me in French.

I cannot remember the last time we spoke in our mother tongue with each other. It means whatever he has to say, he will mean it. It means he thought about this. Really thought about it.

“Yes, sure. Right now?” I answer, but in English. Because I am not ready to pour myself out on the table. Because I do not know what he wants to talk to me about, and I will not crack that part of me open. Not yet.

"Si ça ne vous dérange pas?" If you don’t mind?

I look back at James. "Non, ok." I stand up and James and I share one last look before I follow Sirius back into the house. “I’m all ears.”

Sirius seems nervous.

“I was an idiot yesterday," he says, still in French. I wonder if he realises that he is not talking English. For some reason, I doubt it. “I shouldn’t have talked to you like that, it really wasn’t fair. It was so stupid of me. I really am sorry—"

Blacks have issues, and more than that, they have never been good at apologies. But he tries. And that counts for something.

“It’s fine, Sirius. Just—try to understand my side next time as well, okay?” I say to him, this time in French, too. Because he tried, and I will, too.

He gives me a small smile. "Merci. I will, I promise." English. I suppose our moment of brotherly bonding is over.

He throws an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into a half hug. I am usually not one for hugs but right now it is nice. I rest my head on his shoulder, just enjoying this tender moment. There are not that many between us.

“You shouldn’t leave your guest alone at the breakfast table,” I say after the moment becomes awkwardly long and I pull myself out of his grip. “Doesn’t show good manners, does it? Mother wouldn’t be proud.” I joke, watching with amusement how Sirius’s nose scrunches up in disgust.

“I don’t think making her not proud would be too difficult.”

“Sirius…”

He throws his hands up. "I won’t say anything anymore, okay?”

Sirius joins James back at the breakfast table but I stay inside. I feel like I have taken up too much space between them already. I do not want to disturb them anymore.

James finds me sunken back into the couch, dozing a bit after lunch.

“Hello pretty sleeper.”

When I open my eyes slowly, I see him standing in the doorframe. “Hey, James.” I am instantly awake, heart racing. This is the first time we are alone after we returned to the house yesterday.

He does not move. He us just standing there, looking at me.

“Stop staring! You are making me uncomfortable,” I say, fidgeting with the fabric of my trousers.

“I’m just appreciating what’s in front of me.” I cannot help but roll my eyes a bit. “Hey, I saw that!” He finally peels himself from the doorframe and walks over, squatting down in front of me. Now I wish he would stay where he was because it is even more nerve wracking when he is so close.

“So…,” I begin, trying to work through whatever awkwardness lies between us right now. “Did you, uhm… did you sleep well too?”

If I could slap myself right now, I would.

He tilts his head, his eyes glimmering with amusement. “Are you really going to pain me, us, with small talk, after—”

“No,” I interrupt him.

I do not know why I am not able to talk about it. About what happened. Sometimes I know so little about myself I wonder how I even managed to get so far without losing myself in the process. 

“You are right, it was a stupid thing to ask.”

“We don’t have to talk about… what happened, if you don’t want to, Regulus. But I just want you to know that you can. We can. Whatever you feel comfortable with, yeah?”

I manage a smile, nodding. Feeling incredibly grateful just to have him.

But do I have him?

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask carefully because I do not want James to restrict himself for me. Because he deserves better than my closed off type.

I want to try. For him.

I really am trying.

“I want you to be happy with whatever decision you are making.”

I should not be surprised. Of course James would answer something like that. He and his good soul…

“I don’t know, James.” I lean back into the chair, tilting my head back. “I don’t regret it or anything, if that is what you are thinking,” I say, not making any eye contact with him.

He does not hesitate, “I don’t either.”

“Well, that is settled then.” I force myself to look at him. “I really hate small talk.”

“I figured.” James grins, that dimple on his right cheek appearing.

It takes all my courage to ask the following. “Do you maybe want to do something later? Like nothing big or anything just—”

James does not even have to answer. I see it in his eyes.

Slam!

There they are again, my walls closing around me, the door falling shut.

I wish I could blame someone for the way I act sometimes. For the way I feel and perceive things. But it really is just my fucked-up head messing with me.

“I’m sorry, but I said I would go with Sirius to pick up his new motorbike or something… Maybe you could come with us, though?”

I shake my head. “No, it’s fine, really. You go and have fun with him. You’re doing too little together anyway.”

“But I also want to do something with you.”

I sigh. “I’ll be fine, yeah?”

“You’re sure?”

“Yep. Positive. I’ll see you later, okay? Now go.” I nod with my head towards the door, managing a genuine smile. At least I think so. Hope so.

“I’ll be back soon, I promise.” James stands up again from where he had been squatting in front of me.

Now this is awkward.

Because I am sitting here, looking up at him and giving him the opportunity to kiss me if he wanted to. I try not to look too desperate, to not give away too much of myself. I fail.

And just when I think James will turn around and leave, he bends down, planting a soft kiss onto my cheek.

I close my eyes, taking in the sensation of his warm mouth against my skin, the last day coming over me again like a big wave.

When James pulls away, he dips his head, avoiding eye contact.

“No, wait,” I protest and before I even know what I am doing, I swiftly stand up, grab him by the back of his neck and catch his lips with a kiss.

Because I need more. Because that simple kiss onto the cheek just was not enough. Because I need to make sure yesterday was not a dream.

And when James sighs into my mouth and follows the movement of my lips, holding me by my back, I know it was not a dream.

“Woah,” he breathes out once we part, his face resting just a few millimetres in front of mine. “I will not lie… this surprised me.”

“In a good way I hope,” I say, biting my lip.

“Oh, in a very good way,” he says, grinning. “Please do that every time we see each other.” He then dips down again, to place a quick kiss onto my lips and this somehow means so much more. It is so much sweeter, more intimate.

Now, however, James does go over to the door. He turns around to look at me before he leaves.

And takes my heart with him.

I knock at the door.

“Si?” Uncle Alphard calls through the door in Italian. He probably thinks it is Kreacher.

“Can I come in?” I ask in French so he knows it is me.

“Regulus? Yes, yes, of course. Please come in.”

I push against the heavy door, the creak filling the empty house, echoing through the halls. “Hello.”

Uncle Alphard looks up from his study, putting the glasses onto his desk. “Hello, my boy.”

I look around. “I’ve always loved this place,” I say, breathing in the sticky air of a room that has not seen an open window in a while, smells of old books and cigars filling my lungs.

“I know. One day it’s going to be yours. Sooner than you think.”

“Uncle! Don’t say stuff like that.”

He chuckles. “I’m just joking.” I can feel his eyes following me as I pace around the room. “Is everything okay? You look different.”

“Really?” I look over to him but cannot resist the smile that sneaks up itself.

“Ah, there it is. The look of love.”

I try not to blush. “What are you talking about?”

“Isn’t that what you came for? Because you need my advice?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I insist.

“Don’t think of me as a fool, Regulus. I know what love looks like.”

I tear away my gaze from the portrait of my great-grandpa or something I have been staring at and look at him. “Am I smelling another one of your stories about your youth?”

“Not today, my boy,” he smiles. “I’ll bother you with that another time, when it is right. But now, tell me about that girl you’ve met.”

I pause for a moment. “Yes, a girl…”

Uncle Alphard tilts his head, scanning me with his eyes. “Am I wrong?“

“No, I just—I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”

I am not sure why I lie. Why I let him believe that it is a girl I am seeing. I am not ashamed of that, and I do not think my uncle would judge me for it, either. I think I just want to keep James my little secret for a while longer. So he cannot be taken from me.

He nods. “Yes, of course. If that is what you want, I’ll respect that, but—here, let me say something, nonetheless. Whoever that person is, I can see that they make you happy. And that is all I want for you, my boy. Because you deserve it, okay? You deserve to be happy. You deserve so much more than you allow yourself to have. But—allow yourself to be happy when you are. Your life has been sabotaged enough as it is.”

I don’t know what to answer so I just look down and nod. “Thank you, uncle.”

The chirping of crickets, the smell after it has rained on a hot day, the silence of the day because all that is alive is too hot to speak. All that is part of why I love summer so much. When the days are longer and the nights short. When life seems so much simpler, not a single worry in the air. When you find yourself in a whole other universe, distant from the world you knew, distant from all the trouble that still awaits you back home. But I do not want to go back. I want to stay in this little world of magic, in this other universe.

James asked me once if I believe that there are different universes out there, different realities, all similar to each other but still unlike in some way. I cannot remember what I said then. But if he would ask me again now, I think I would say yes. Yes, to the possibility of us having met in another life as well, yes, to the possibility of living in this summer forever.

Yes, to the possibility of me falling for him in other realities as well.

I think I would. Fall for him. Again and again and again. I do not think there is any reality out there where I could catch myself fast enough.

It has been him. It has been him all along and I just did not realise it.

I hope in other universes I was not that blind.

James is not back for a while. It is already after sundown when I hear their laughter coming from outside, accompanied by a roaring motor.

Tiptoeing around the books on my floor I go over to the window. Just as I look down, I can see James and Sirius getting off a frighteningly large motorbike, Sirius matching the colour of it with his black leather jacket.

I cannot believe Sirius actually bought this thing. Sometimes I wonder if he is actually doing the things he wants to do or just because he knows mother would not approve of it. Or if they are just one and the same thing.

I go back to my bed, letting myself fall into it.

Then I wait.

I wait for James. I will always be waiting for him.

Still, for some reason I am surprised when the door to my room opens. The one that is connected to James’s.

“Regulus? Are you awake?” he whispers into the dark room and I almost do not answer. Even though I have waited the whole day for him, the whole summer, maybe even my whole life, something still holds me back.

“Yes. Yes, I’m up,” I answer before he can leave, sitting up straighter to look at him properly.

I do not think I will ever get over the sight of him. No matter how many times I will get to see him. I am starstruck every time.

“Hey,” he says with a soft voice and takes a few steps into the room. “I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“No, I wasn’t sleeping,” I return, running my fingers through my hair and blinking my eyes a few times, adjusting to the light that is coming from James’s room. “Did you two have fun?”

“Yes, it was great! Riding that motorbike is actually pretty fun. I should take you some time.”

“Driving a vespa is one thing, James, but a whole motorbike? Yeah, no way.”

James grins. “I knew you would say that.”

“And yet you asked anyway.”

“Yup, I did.”

Why? I almost ask but restrain myself from doing so.

James sits down next to me. “Did you have a good day?”

“Sure.”

This is weird. This is so very weird.

Because it feels like I barely know him. Like we are starting all over again, like June happened in another reality or never at all. Like we are tiptoeing around each other, not sure what we are allowed to do. What would be acceptable.

“Can I sit?” He points to the bed.

I nod.

But when he comes closer, I reach out reflexively, stopping him on the way. “Mh, nope. No way. James, you fucking stink. It is not even sweat—you smell like engine oil. God, please go shower.”

Rather than being embarrassed, he grins at me as he brings his shirt to his nose, smelling at it. “You think so? It isn’t even that bad!”

And suddenly it is not weird anymore. Because it is still us. He is still annoying and I am still annoyed.

“Oh yes, it is. Go shower James or you won’t ever get to be near me again.”

“Now, that would be a pity,” he says and reaches out anyway. I

have to slap his hand away.

“No. Go shower.” James’s eyes light up then. “Only if you come with me.”

I can feel my eyes physically widening and my cheeks reddening. “Oh no, I’m not going to shower with you! We’ve what—kissed two times? Showering together is going a bit far.”

“Three times,” he corrects me.

“No, it was two times. Yesterday, obviously, and then toda—” But I cannot even finish, because before I know what is happening, James is kissing me.

Yes, okay.

Three times.

I probably should care more that a sweaty and oil covered man is currently all over me, dirty hands and clothing covering my body. But I do not. I could not care about anything less right now.

After the moment of surprise has washed over me, I grab him by the shoulders and move further back on the bed. James follows.

This is it, I think. Why wait for New Year’s Eve when you can have fireworks all year long? Why wait for the day to feel the sun?

James is hovering above me, supporting himself with his hand, the other holding me by my neck. At first, I am afraid that he is keeping his distance because he does not want more. Because kissing me is all he can bring himself to do. But then I remember how we got into this situation.

“Nope,” I groan and push James away. “You still need a shower. This was a very poor attempt at distracting me.”

He is with one knee on the bed, in a crawling position, his eyes travelling over my face. “Oh, I think it worked really well.” His voice is a bit raspy.

“Ugh, now get off. And go shower!”

“Okay, okay,” he laughs and peels himself off the bed, standing in front of me. “Guess you will have to go with me after all,” he says and I look at him questioningly but when he points at me, I know.

I have got motor oil all over me.

Idiot.

“Well, thank you very much,” I murmur and look down at myself. “I’ve got your gunk all over me!”

“Now that just sounds wrong.”

I raise an eyebrow at him but he is just grinning. “You know what,” I begin because we have got to clean ourselves somehow. No other reason, of course. “How about we go for a swim? It will get us both cleaned up without anything inappropriate.”

“Admit it, you just want to see me shirtless.”

“No,” I lie. “Now let’s go.”

In about three minutes, we are at the pool, freeing ourselves from our shirts.

“You go first.”

“No you.”

“Why me?”

“It was your idea,” James says. “So you go first.”

“But you are responsible for this,” I return and point at my dirty shirt, now on the ground.

“And you wanted me to get cleaned up.”

“Yes, because—James!” I look at him helplessly which makes him just laugh even harder. “I hate you a lot right now, you know.”

“And I like you a lot right now, you know. Now don’t be prat and jump in.”

“No,” I insist but then James tries pushing me into the water. “James!” I yell and cling onto him, wrapping my legs around him, my arms around his head. “Don’t you dare throw me.”

“No?” he challenges and there it is, this mischievous smile of his, his eyes glimmering with anticipation. “What if I do?”

But I have already stopped thinking about the pool in front of me. How can unimportant things like that matter when James is so close and I can see the small freckles on his nose and his long eyelashes? How can anything matter when he is looking at me with a smile on his lips, his dimple appearing ever so slightly? How can I care about anything in this world when he is holding me tight, when he is mine and I am his?

This time, it is me who distracts him. This time, it is me who kisses him.

I run my hand through the hair on the back of his head, his curls brushing and tickling my fingers while my other hand is wrapped around the back of his neck, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss.

James’s arms are around my waist, his hands sliding up my back, our naked upper bodies touching.

Although the air around us is cold, breezes making us shiver, warmth consumes me as I lean into the kiss, James’s lips so soft against mine.

We are like two waves, crashing against each other, incited by the nature of life. Raising and sinking and flowing into each other.

Surrounded by cold water.

Cold water.

Water.

And just when I cannot breathe anymore, I realise that we have fallen into the pool. Involuntarily, I remove myself from James and swim up to the surface, gasping for air. He follows me just a few seconds after.

“Fuck,” I breathe out, meaning both the kiss and our unexpected fall. “Well, at least we don’t have to settle now who goes first—”

But James is already at it again.

Oh, how he is at it.

“James,” I mutter through the kiss. “James, give me time to breathe…”

And without a word he leaves my mouth, placing kisses over my cheek and jawline, down my neck while his hands are touching me all over my waist and back and chest.

I can never get enough of this.

A sigh escapes my mouth and I lean my head back, giving him more space, my hair dipping into the water.

So this is it, huh. My own summer romance.

I have read about them in hundreds of novels and dreamed of falling in love and mattering to someone. And now I have it all. Here I am, kissing a boy in a pool in the middle of summer, and it is so much better than any book ever told me it would be.

No novel could compare to this.

When we part eventually, we are breathless, clinging onto each other, not wanting to let the moment pass.

But we have to.

“Okay, less kissing, more cleaning,” I mutter, still staring at James’s lips, red and swollen.

“If you say so.”

His dimple really is the most adorable thing ever.

Chapter Text

I am usually not one for dates and anniversaries. So I try to ignore the 7th of August as best as I can. Emphasizing on trying.

I try. Try to ignore the ache in my chest, the throbbing wound. Try not to bleed out and scatter on the ground. Try not to get lost in it.

But in all this trying to ignore it all, I lose myself anyway.

Because from all this hiding, I eventually lose everything behind those walls closing around me, trapping myself in my own head. It is not my intention, I swear. To push away everything and everyone. I just cannot help it.

I just prefer this instead of the pain.

Ironically, it is Sirius, of all people, who speaks to me about it.

“How are you?” he asks, both of us sitting at the pool, feet in the water, a cigarette between our fingers.

“I’m fine.”

Lame answer. And he knows.

But I am fine. Why should I not be?

"Reggie..."

“What?” I snap. I do not mean to, but I am just so on edge today and Sirius is certainly driving me over it. “What, Sirius?”

“Jeez, I was only asking how you are.”

“Well, thank you. Thank you for caring so much about me. Really, thank you.”

“What’s your fucking problem? I was just trying to be nice.”

“And I said thank you. What more do you want from me? Do you want me to pour out my heart to you, tell you how broken I am? How much I miss hum and how I wish you weren’t such a fucking idiot?”

I know this is not fair. To Sirius. But I have never thought of myself as a particularly good person.

“Reggie, please…”

“No, I—not now.”

With that, I throw the cigarette onto the ground and stomp on it a bit more aggressively than it deserves before I go back to the house.

I am not sure for how long I stand by my window, smoking one cigarette after the other. For how long I stare outside, searching for something without even knowing what.

Not for the first time, I wish that my life had gone differently. Not for the first time, I wonder at which point I had taken the wrong turn, the wrong junction or the wrong path, at which point life decided to kick my ass.

I cannot say my childhood was particularly bad, compared to others maybe it was. But I still had been blind to all the bad things in this world. And sometimes I wish I could go back to this. To the childish blindness of one’s youth.

Yes, I am not old. I am only 17. This is nothing, practically.

And yet I feel like I have lived hundreds of lifetimes. Sometimes, I am just so exhausted.

I only realize how much time has passed when the sun lowers itself to the horizon, more and more of it disappearing until only a faint light behind green hills suggest that there has ever been a sun in the first place. Until the sky is covered by all the colors of the rainbow, the night slowly creeping up from behind.

I only realize how much time has passed when I hear noise coming from James’s room. He must be going to sleep soon.

I missed him today. It is a stupid thing to feel because he is under no obligation to make me feel happy or spend time with me. And he could never know what day it is.

Somehow, I still expected more.

I still expect him to knock at my door or to meet me here, outside on the balcony. I still expect him to go out seeking for me.

He does not.

Should I go up to him? Should I go over and knock on his door?

I do not want to force myself onto him. There is probably a reason he does not seek out my company.

Nevertheless, I wait. And, as I should have expected, nothing happens.

Probably for the first time in my life, I take fate into my own hands and knock at the glass door that leads to James’s room from the balcony.

My hand quivers as it hits the cold surface and I bite on my lip, anxiously awaiting a response.

By every second that passes I regret it more.

What if I annoy him?

I have not seen James all day and his beauty hits me even harder when he opens the door because of that.

“Hey,” he says, a smile lingering on his lips. I used to wonder what it would taste like. That smile. It is a bit ridiculous how proud I feel knowing now.

“Hi.”

We just stand there, looking at each other and I wonder if he thinks the same as I do.

That he is so endlessly beautiful.

“Do you, uhm—do you maybe want to come outside?” I ask eventually.

I could have suggested following him inside but James and I in a room alone with a bed right next to us? Bad idea.

“Yes, of course.”

I move to the side to let James step outside, he closes the door behind him.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” I answer almost reflexively. But when I go over to the railing and support myself on my elbows, that stupid cigarette still in my hands, I am not so sure anymore. “No, actually.”

It takes courage to be honest to others but being honest with yourself? That is a whole other deal.

“Do you want to talk about it?” James asks and I could hug him for that alone. Actually, I could hug him all the time.

“It is—” I start, trying to find the right words.

I do not want it to seem like I lured him out just so I could dump my trauma and problems onto him, but at the same time, he asked, and I really need to talk about it with someone who was not involved in my past.

“It’s the day of my father’s death,” I say finally, the words leaving my mouth making it too real. It is almost suffocating, the way reality presses onto my shoulders, making me feel even smaller than I usually already do. “He died today exactly three years ago.”

“Reg, I’m so sorry…” James says, and I hate the pity in his voice. I do not want to be pitied. That is not why I told him that.

But it is him and I do not mind some sympathy once in a while. It is also why I let the Reg slide by this time.

“Is that why you were so withdrawn today?”

Yes and no?

“You noticed,” I say instead. It is both a question and a statement.

I feel kind of sorry for him. If I had to read myself, I think I would probably go crazy.

“I thought you needed some time alone maybe, that’s why I didn’t come to you or anything,” he explains as if he has read my mind earlier. “I missed you, though. I swear if I had known—”

“You don’t have to apologize, James. That’s not why I came to you.”

“Then why did you come to me?”

I shrug. “Because I enjoy your company?”

Again, both a statement and a question.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks me.

I think about this before I answer, “Actually? No. God, no.”

“Then we don’t have to,” he says softly. “There is something else I would like to talk about, actually.”

Oh.

Okay?

“About us.”

Us.

A dangerous word.

It can mean so much more than it should, than it actually does.

“I don’t think there is an us or anything,” I say. I regret it immediately.

“You don’t?” He tilts his head. I wonder if I only imagine him sounding sad.

“James… Do we have to talk about this?”

“I think it’s really important. To me, at least.”

I sigh. “Later, okay?”

“If not now, when?”

“If not later, when?”

He pauses. I can hear him breathing heavily. “Regulus, I won’t say anything if you really don’t want me to—"

“Then don’t,” I cut in. “At least not today, okay?”

I know I sound harsh. I do not mean to.

As a way of apologizing, kind of, I brush my hand over his, careful not to burn him with my cigarette.

“Okay.”

We do not say much after that. But we do not have to.

When it is just us, there is nothing else that matters. Nothing that matters enough to be talked about.

Chapter Text

“Say ‘cheese’!”

“I’m not going to say fucking ‘cheese’,” I return, pushing the camera out of my face.

“Oh, come on Reg.”

I throw James a look. “We’ve had this conversation before. Many times. I don’t like you calling me Reg.”

“Then what do you want me to call you?” He tilts his head, smiling at me.

“I don’t know,” I say. “Just not Reg. It makes me sound like a kid.”

“Then what would be better?” he asks again and dips his head, placing a kiss onto my exposed collarbone.

I shiver underneath his touch. “Mh, something—something different.” I can feel his lips forming into a smile on my skin.

“What about… honey?” A kiss on the base of my neck. “Sweetheart?” A kiss under my ear. “Babe? Baby?” A kiss onto my cheek. “Love?”

I shiver.

Yes. That right there. Please call me that forever.

“Oh, you like that,” James mutters. A kiss onto the corner of my mouth. “My love. Love, love, love. My loverboy.”

I get impatient by all this teasing and just take his head between my hands, smashing our lips together to shut him up. The kiss does not last long, broken by our laughter.

“I hate you,” I declare, smacking him onto his chest. But he knows I do not really mean it. “Now take that stupid picture before I change my mind.”

James does not need to be told twice and grabs the camera again, taking the photo while I am still laughing.

“Aw, look,” he says when the polaroid is developed. “You look so beautiful.”

“Yes, you’re right.”

He is looking at the photo, and I am looking right at him. Still, there is nothing less than truth in what he said.

You truly are beautiful.

I want to say it. I want to say it to him. But no words leave my mouth. I think that is the effect James has on me. He just shuts me up, transforming me into such a relaxed state that I do not know what to do with myself anymore.

And the thing is, I do not have to do anything.

He just gets me.

He understands me in ways I never thought I could be understood. And that is just one of many ways in which he is so, so beautiful.

“You know,” James starts. “I’m going to keep this forever.” He holds up the photograph of me laughing in the sun at the lake.

My heart melts a bit. “Forever seems like a long time.”

“Not long enough,” he returns, touching my cheek gently before letting go. “We should get back.”

I drop back onto the grass. “Yes, I know. Do you think Sirius is starting to get suspicious?”

He looks back at me. “Would you mind?”

“Would you?”

But he does not answer. He just reaches out, pulling me onto my feet. “Come.”

And I follow.

We try to spend as much time together as possible. I am not sure for how long we will be able to continue like this before Sirius catches on.

The thing is, I do not want things to change. I want to keep whatever I have going on with James private, even if it means that we have to hide and meet in the shadows. I do not want anything to change between us. I like how we are right now. It is just us. No outside opinion. And that is good. I like it that way. I just hope he does not mind as well.

James seems like a big person. With big feelings and big opinions. I hope he can forgive me for being small.

We manly just see each other when the house is sleeping and the moon is out, when there is no one there to see anything because it is just us.

Us. And no one else.

I feel like this is how it is supposed to be, really. I do not think we are meant to be seen by the world.

I play with the button of his shirt. “God, we wasted so many days,” I mumble. “Why didn’t you do anything earlier?”

“I tried!” James returns. “Do you even know how many times I wanted—tried—to kiss you, to just touch you? But I just couldn’t let myself, not until—”

“Not until you knew I wanted the same, I know. But still. Ugh, James, it’s already August, the tenth to be exact, and—”

“Shh.” He takes my hands in his, stroking over my skin with his thumbs. “Don’t think about it, okay? We still have 18 days! That’s a lot of time if you think about it.”

Hardly.

“Do you know how many nights that are? How many opportunities there are for me to do that?” He leans forward, his lips brushing my neck and I immediately shiver. But in a good way.

Everything with James is good.

He is so good.

His kisses get sloppy until he is just leaving paths of spit on my neck.

“James! Ew,” I laugh and push him away, wiping over my skin. “Great. Look at me! I’m a mess now.”

“You are still the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” James says softly. “Even with my spit on you,” he adds, laughing and reaches out, ruffling my hair. “Especially with my spit on you.”

“There really is nothing holy when it comes to you.”

“Aw, don’t be such a prude,” he teases.

“I like being a prude, thank you very much,” I return, raising my chin in protest. “Wait here.”

I go back to James’s room and head over to the bookshelf.

He is watching me when I return.

“Here.” I stretch out my hand. “You wanted to read it, didn’t you? Go on, it’s yours.”

He takes Romeo and Juliet and flips it over in his own hands. “It’s mine?”

“Well, I obviously want it back some time, preferably before you leave-”

“Love, don’t say that…”

“Just—take it, okay? And give it back. Or don’t. Keep it if you want to.” At least then you’ll have something to remember me by.

He studies the book in front of him for a short while before he starts flipping through the pages, a grin on his lips.

“What are you doing?”

“Isn’t this the book you wrote my name into?”

Oh.

I try to sound unbothered. “And what about it?”

“Aha!” he exclaims and points at a page. “Here it is. ‘It is the east, and James is the sun.’ God Reg, you are so adorable if you want to be.”

I slam the book shut. “You are the worst. I’ll just take it back,” I warn.

“No!” James returns, pouting. “No, I love it. A lot. Thank you.” He bends down and places a soft kiss onto my lips. “I’ll read it. I promise.”

“And give it back before you go. Which gives you about… two weeks? Max.”

“Regulus.”

“Sorry, I’ll stop.”

“Please do,” he says and then kisses me.

Chapter Text

I watch the sun rise on James’s skin, watch the gold creep up his body, enlightening every curve of it, ever blemish, every imperfection. All the parts I want to kiss.

Propped up onto the side of my body, I let my fingers dance through the sunbeams and the particles in the air, shadows forming and vanishing again. Let my fingers glide just above his skin, careful not to touch him, not to wake him.

I do not think I am breathing. Just watching him. It takes all my attention. He takes it all.

The sun rises more and more, covering both of us now. Although it does not feel nearly as warm as the sun right next to me does.

“Good morning, loverboy,” I whisper when I see James slowly blinking with his eyes.

God, he looks so cuddly like that. With his hair messy, standing up in all directions, defying the rules of gravity. With his lips pouty and his cheeks just the slightest bit swollen.

“M’ning, love.”

That morning voice? Lord help me.

“Did you sleep well?” I ask, my fingers still dancing over his skin, his eyes still closed.

“With you by my side? Always.”

I can feel my heart physically swelling, beaming with heat, warm blood flushing through my veins, up my cheeks.

“You are terribly romantic, James,” I say, not letting him notice how much I actually loved hearing that.

“And you love it.”

“Do not.”

“You do.”

“Do no-”

James shuts me up with a quick kiss. He seems to like doing this a lot.

I cannot complain.

“James!” I yelp as he tickles me by my stomach. “Stop that.”

He hops up, holding himself above me, his laughter filling my ear as he continues tickling me.

“James! James, please!” I reach out to grab his face, holding him still.

He stares at me, and I at him.

Something shifts in the air, tension buzzing between us, the hot summer air thickening.

This is not a joke anymore. No one is laughing. And his eyes are so warm.

It is like my hand as a mind of its own, doing what it wants. And I let it.

My thumb brushes over his cheek, he has a bit of blemishes there, a bit of acne. It looks like freckles. I adore them just as I adore every part of his body, really.

I cannot hold back any longer and just pull him down onto me, chasing him for a kiss.

I do not know how I could ever stop. Kissing him, touching him. How could one ever stop lying in a bed with their lover, sealed off from reality, from every problem this world has to offer?

I do not think I could ever stop, and James seems to be feeling the same.

But I do not have to, Kreacher does it for us.

“Mister James?” A knock on the door. “Breakfast would be ready, if you would like to.”

James pulls back, trying to suppress a laugh. “Yes, uhm,” he clears his throat. “Yes, thank you, Kreacher!”

“You are the most welcome.” His footsteps grow quieter and quieter, distancing themselves from us.

Now there is only our chuckling filling the silence.

“Do you always eat that early?”

He laughs and pushes me softly into the chest. “Ugh, shut up.”

“No, wait! Don’t go yet.” I pout and try to pull him closer again.

“Regulus,” he laughs, pushing me away softly. “I’m hungry. Let me go.”

“I hate you,” I declare, finally letting go.

“You love me, really.”

I almost say yes, I do. Because I do. In every pathetic and desperate way. I do love him.

I feel like I should not. Love him, that is. And I do not even know why.

So, I do not say anything but pull him down into a quick kiss before letting him go and change, my heart aching when he goes out the door.

We go to breakfast separately. I have to go shower anyway.

When I come downstairs, James and Sirius are already making plans for the day.

“Yes, I’m totally in!”

“What are you in?” I ask as I sit down.

“I could make a very inappropriate joke now,” Sirius comments and I shoot him a look.

“Please don’t.”

He scrunches his nose playfully. “But only because you asked so nicely, Reggie.”

I roll my eyes. “Great, thanks. So, where are you two going?” I try not to sound too piteous, like I want them to take me with them.

“We thought about taking my new baby for a ride,” Sirius says with a dreamy smile on his lips.

“Your baby?” I ask. “Now, this is a turn of events.”

“He’s talking about his new motorbike,” James informs me.

“Ah.”

“A true beauty she is, don’t you think,” Sirius asks me, his eyes falling shut, probably imagining himself on it, his hair blowing dramatically in the wind.

“Sure,” I respond dryly.

“I would ask you to come with us but there is only space for two and besides,” Sirius says and pulls James into a half-hug. “We haven’t done stuff together where it was just us for a while.”

“Well then have fun,” I say, trying to sound as unaffected as possible, ignoring the building ache in my chest.

I know it is dumb and I know I should not, but I can already feel the walls closing around me, keeping my feelings hidden. It probably is not fair to James, and I cannot blame him for wanting to spend time alone with his best friend who he came for in the first place, but at the same time, I cannot deny that it hurts to be left out like that.

It is a weird thing, jealousy, and even weirder when it cannot be justified. James and Sirius gave me no reason to be jealous and do not leave me out on purpose (at least I hope so) but I cannot stop the door from falling shut, locking and the key being swallowed by exactly that jealousy.

I hate myself for it, I really do. For being so difficult.

And yet I hope for James to be the one to notice and meet me behind the wall.

I cannot shake the feeling away that time is slipping through my fingers. That I have wasted time. Time I could have spent with James.

When I think back on July, I wish I could remember what had been going through my mind. How I could have been so blind. Had I felt it from the beginning on and had just chosen to ignore it?

Now, there is just that melancholy feeling I get when I know things are passing. Moments becoming memories. Knowing I will never be able to go back.

Melancholy and guilt.

For having wasted mine and James’s time. For making him chase me and for making everything intentionally difficult.

Chapter Text

Playing an instrument is something intimate, something private. It’s something you pour your heart and soul into, not expecting anything in return, not expecting some form of reaction or answer except the melody itself. It’s something to hold on to when you don’t know how to express yourself, when you feel numb and lost and maybe a little bit broken. 

Music makes you feel something even when you don’t want to feel anything, when the pain is too much you start blending it out. 

But it also makes you feel hopeful and nostalgic. It’s uplifting and comforting. 

It’s everything I can’t be.

Music is for the lost and found, for the light and darkness.

For the stars and the sun.

Somehow it’s always James who finds me playing the piano. It’s like he is drawn to it, or something. 

Playing the piano is something personal and normally I don’t like showing this side of me, that vulnerable side. With James, however, I don’t mind it. Actually, I want to show him my soft side too. I want him to know every side of me, every flaw and every imperfection. Every detail and every emotion.

I want to share it all with him.

Only him.

“I like you like that the most.”

I look up to him and stop playing. “What do you mean?”

He grins, which can only mean he is about to make a really dumb joke. “When you finally shut up for once,” he says, smiling proudly. 

If he weren’t so adorable I would definitely hit him now. 

“You are so funny, you know. Sometimes I ask myself how I haven’t died of laughter after hearing one of  your silly little jokes.”

James walks over to me, propping himself on the piano. “Go on, play something for me.”

I raise an eyebrow. “I’m not going to fucking play something for you.”

“Why not?” he asks, pouting. 

“Look, James, I like you, okay? I really do. But if you are going to be such a whining baby for one more second I’m going to walk out of this door and never return.”

He bursts out into laughter, his chest raising and lowering quickly. “Oh Reg. Okay, I promise I won’t be ‘a whiny baby’ anymore. I would still like to hear you play something, though. If you want to, of course.”

I contemplate for a moment whether I’ll let him beg for a little longer but after watching him stare at me with so much awe in his eyes I can’t resist any longer. “Yes, okay. I’ll play something.”

The smile that appears on his face makes it worth it already. 

“I- I wrote something. A song. But don’t laugh or make fun of my singing, okay?” I admonish.

“No, of course not!” James swears. “But- I didn’t know you could sing. Is there anything you can’t do?”

I know he means it as a compliment but really, there are a lot of things I can’t do, don’t know how to. 

“It’s called ‘Je te laisserai des mots’  which basically means I’ll leave you words. That sounds pretty shit in English but trust me in French it makes more sense.”

James nods with a smile, waiting for me to start playing.

It’s kind of ironic how it starts raining the moment I start playing, the sound of raindrops hitting leaves resounding through the open windows, the smell of rain filling the damp air. 

Je te laisserai des mots

En-dessous de ta porte

En-dessous de les murs qui chantent

Tout près de la place où tes pieds passent

Cachés dans les trous de ton divan

Et quand tu es seule pendant un instant

I don’t think I’ll ever tell James that I wrote this about him, while thinking of him. 

I’ve thought about this melody for a while now, since last summer, actually, but could never find the proper lyrics for it, the proper words. Everything felt too put-on, too artificial, too forced. 

Well, until this summer. Until I realised what he meant to me, what I wanted from him. 

I’m not a big poet writer or somebody who knows how to handle words, or how to express themself. I’m not someone who finds it easy to put feelings into words but with James it was different. It was like those lines were pouring out of me, begging to be put onto pages, to take shape in ink and letters. 

Embrasse-moi

Quand tu voudras

Embrasse-moi

Quand tu voudras

Embrasse-moi

Quand tu voudras

I’m glad he doesn’t understand what I’m singing about, and that he doesn’t ask once it’s over. 

“This was beautiful, Reg,” James whispers after the last note has rung out, after I’ve lifted my fingers off the keys. “Your voice was beautiful, you were beautiful. You are beautiful, love.”

I try not to blush, turning away lightly. “Thanks,” I reply quietly.

“Come here.” He reaches out, offering me his hand which I gladly take, letting myself be pulled into a hug.

His hand on my lower back, holding me tight and softly. 

But I want more. With him I always want more.

I need more.

It’s like if I don’t, I’ll crumble beneath his touch.

So I pull away slightly and don’t even hesitate before I kiss him, that warm and confident sensation vibrating through me when he kisses me back.

This is where I could rest forever. This is where I belong.

Under his touch, his kisses, his whispers.

Where it’s just me and him. 

But when I pull away, a smile on our lips, my heart sinks into my chest.

“Non- non volevo interrompervi, maestro Regulus,” Kreacher stutters, taking a few steps back. “Please forgive me, Master Regulus, Mister James.” He then bows deeply as he stumbles backwards out of the room.

“Shit, shit, shit,” I mutter, tearing myself out of James’ touch. “Fuck.”

“What is it?” James asks, looking over to where Kreacher has just been standing.

I look at him in disbelief. “He saw us, James!”

“And what about it?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

He reaches out again, taking my hands. “Is that really so bad? So horrible that he saw us?”

“James, what the fuck are you on to?”

“I just- I mean- are you ashamed of me, is that it?”

“What? No, of course not-”

“Are you ashamed that I’m a boy?”

I just stare at him, exhaustion overflowing me. “James, it was never about that-”

“Then why are you freaking out?” he asks, raising his voice. “Just because he saw us, what, kissing? Is it really that terrible that he saw us?”

“I don’t know what kind of insecurities you are projecting onto me right now, but just stop it, okay?!”

“Then what is this about?”

“I need to go talk to him,” I say, freeing me from his grip.

“No, love, please- just tell me what’s wrong!”

“You are my brother’s best friend. Don’t you get that? I should have never- fuck, you are leaving anyway-”

“So that’s what this is about? That I’ll leave?”

“No- yes- I don’t know,” I reply, sighing.

“You regret me, don’t you?”

I look up at him, his eyes glittering with hopelessness.

And suddenly I regret it all. 

I know I shouldn’t. I know that this isn’t fair. 

But I regret it. 

I regret having kissed him, having chased after him. Everything. 

Up until now it was all just fiction, the fact that he would leave. That it would be over. That it would hurt. It all seemed so far away, simply not true, like we could outrun it. 

The thing is, love always ends. In one way or another. Love isn’t a constant thing, something steady. When the time has come it will crush you, slip through your fingers like sand until you can’t hold it anymore, until it’s just a faint echo somewhere in the back of your memories.

I’m afraid we’ve gotten to that point. 

To the point where everything feels perishable. 

And now I regret having let myself fall for him because I knew from the beginning on that it would end in pain and suffering.

This isn’t the end yet, at least I hope it isn’t.

But if it hurts already, how much will the actual end hurt then?

“I can’t talk about this now…” I turn around and go after Kreacher. James doesn’t hold me back this time.

Kreacher is in the kitchen when I find him.

“Ciao,” I greet him, approaching him slowly. 

“Salve maestro Regulus, vuole mangiare qualcosa? Una torta? Qualcosa di salato? Posso cucinarle tutto quello che vuole,” he says while hurrying through the kitchen.

“Kreacher, per favore. Parliamo.”

He stops cutting tomatoes, not turning around. “Non mi dispiace, se è questo che vuoi chiedere. Puoi amare chi vuoi amare, padron Regulus. Non ho alcuna autorità per decidere in merito.”

My breath catches in my throat and I look at the floor uncomfortably. “Quindi non vi dispiace?”

“Voglio solo che tu sia felice. È l'unica cosa che conta per me.”

A smile sneaks itself onto my lips. “Grazie, davvero. Ma... per favore non dirlo a Sirius, ok? Non voglio che lo sappia. Non ancora, almeno. Voglio essere io a dirglielo. Un giorno, forse.”

“Sì, certo. Lo capisco. Nessuno mi sentirà, te lo prometto.” 

I could swear he is grinning a bit.

I stay in my room for the rest of the day, not wanting to see James or Sirius or anyone, really. To be honest I wouldn’t even know what to say to him. To James that is. 

His question still rings in my ears. Unanswered.

You regret me, don’t you?

I think my silence told more than words ever could. 

I hope James doesn’t blame him. Because it isn’t him. Not really.

It’s everything. The whole situation. And the fact that it should’ve never happened. 

We.

We should have never happened.

And yet I still long for him at this very moment, every moment that I am not with him, actually. I find myself wanting to hold him, touch him in every way possible, no matter how faint or haste. 

I hate how far apart we feel right now. 

Distant. 

Disconnected. 

The balcony has been our spot the whole time, where no one could watch and judge us. 

So, naturally, I waited there for him. Well, technically I didn’t actually wait for him. Or maybe I did. Maybe my subconsciousness knows what it is doing without having told me. 

I tell myself that I’m just enjoying the view, staring up into the night sky, at the stars. But really, I’m just waiting for him. Because even after what has happened today I still crave his presence. 

It has become an instinct, spending time with him. I don’t know what I will do once he is properly gone. 

I try not to think about it too much.

Not when he is still in the room next to me. 

The sky is already deep black when James joins me outside, his presence immediately warming and soothing me. 

I shouldn’t have let myself get so attached to someone who will leave me anyway. 

But it’s already too late. 

“Hey,” I say and turn around to look at him, my breath catching in my throat. 

He is stunning. He truly is. 

“Hi.” He takes a few steps forward.

It doesn’t go past me how he purposely keeps some distance between us. 

“Did you- how was your day?” I ask, fidgeting with my fingers on the railing. 

“It was good, yeah. Yours?”

“Yes, same here.”

The silence is almost suffocating, tension in the air, its hands closing tighter and tighter around my neck until I can’t make another noise or speak a word, just waiting for him to do the next step. To address what actually needs to be talked about. What we so carefully tiptoe around right now. 

“I don’t regret you,” I manage to choke out when James doesn’t say anything. 

I peek over at him, watching his expression. He tries to not let it show but I can see the way his posture loosens up a bit, his shoulders dropping and the corners of his mouth raising the tiniest bit, a hint of his dimple appearing. 

Relief.

“You don’t?” he asks finally, his voice coarse like it hasn’t been used for a while.

“No, James.” I turn to him. “I couldn’t- I don’t regret you.” I regret falling for someone who will leave, who will hurt me. I regret not being careful, not keeping my heart safe from you. But I could never regret you.

“I don’t regret you either, Reg.” He bends down, a quick kiss on my lips. 

And promptly it’s like nothing ever happened. 

I am nothing but in love with him.

James reaches out and starts playing with a curl behind my ears, his eyes focused on it. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I shouldn’t have accused you of anything. You have your reasons and I should’ve respected them. I’m sorry, love.”

I close my eyes, taking in the sound of his voice and the feel of his fingers brushing my ear. “It’s fine, James. I- I forgive you.”

And without a warning I throw myself onto him, embracing him in a tight hug, my arms around his neck and my hands in his hair, pulling him as close as I can although that could never be enough. If I could, I would bury myself in his chest, in the warmth of his heart, in the good of his soul, never to come out. 

If I could, I would let myself get lost in his love. 

James reacts instantly, his arms slinging around my waist to hold me as tight as I’m holding him, our bodies and hearts blurring into one.

If I could, I would stay like this forever.

But something in me pulls me away, like an outside force making me. Because there is something I want more than a simple hug, or a kiss. 

I want more. 

I want everything he can give me.

James starts to say something but I catch him in a heated kiss, taking the opportunity of his opened mouth to slip my tongue into it, swallowing the sound that escapes him. 

It’s not like we haven’t kissed more… passionately before, but never like that. And James certainly notices the change as well. I can only pray to whoever is up there that he won’t reject me, won’t push me away.

Thankfully, James does the exact opposite. 

His hands glide under my shirt, the cool night air brushing over my exposed skin, goosebumps appearing all over. He lets them have a whole mind of their own, his fingers gliding over the curve of my spine, stroking the sides of my back, scratching just the right amount with his nails to send shivers over my body. 

Now it’s my mouth that lets out a groan, James catching it with his lips before slowly making his way down my throat, placing wet kisses all over it.

I have had sex before. Last summer, actually. Martina had been her name. It had been okay, as good as anyone’s first time could be, I guess. The thing is, I had known what I was doing. To some extent, at least. It’s something you just kind of pick up when you grow up, how sex with a woman is supposed to go. 

But with another man? I have no idea how this works or what ways there are to do it. 

This won’t stop me, however. I don’t care how awkward this is going to be. I want to do it with James.

I trust him.

Impatient - and horny - I take a few steps towards the door, pulling James with him until we are both stumbling into the room. 

He lifts his head when he notices where I’m leading him to. 

“Reg, are you- are you sure about this?”

As a response I just smile and let my hands glide down his body, careful to remember every curve and form and outline, until I’m at his belt, tugging at it. 

“Yes, James, I’m sure,” I whisper, my voice raspy.

I swear I want this. Him. Right now I want nothing more than to feel every part of his body touching mine.

Every.

“Okay, okay, yes,” James breaths out and pulls me into a kiss again that I gladly welcome, a moan escaping my lips when he pulls me close by the hips, our bodies crashing together and the first hint of friction sending shivers down my spine, collecting in my lower abdomen. 

Instantly I want more. Need more of that friction. 

Desperately I move against him, feeling him through our clothes. Suddenly the layers of fabric seem too much, separating our bodies. 

I break the kiss to push him onto the bed, throwing my legs around his hips and strangling him while he is still bouncing up and down a bit from the momentum of the push. I gasp when I feel him pressing into me. 

This. I need more of this.

“James, please, just-” I can’t even finish my sentence because before I know it he is kissing me and oh god, he starts moving his hips. I don’t even know what I wanted to say, too distracted by our bodies touching just at the right places.

But when I feel over his shoulders I remember what I was about to say.

“James, if you don’t remove your shirt right now, I swear I’ll-”

James grins as his hands come to a rest on my waist where he is putting weight one me. “Do it for me, if you are so desperate for it.”

Oh. So we are going to play this game now. 

I raise an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

He just nods, holding my eyes with his. 

“Fine.”

I don’t break eye contact as my fingers find the buttons of his shirt. It’s a wonder how I manage to open them so slowly and not give up and tear his shirt apart, considering how desperate I am to finally know what it feels like to feel his chest one mine without anything between us. 

When I finally manage to open every button I give up being impatient and immediately pull it down, my hands gliding over his shoulders and chest and oh, he is trained. 

This shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t actually. I would love and adore him just the same way if he were even skinnier than me or as big as he wants to be. I don’t care. 

But at the same time I can’t lie that this is very attractive. And making me very horny right now. 

“Fuck, James,” I choke out, bending down to kiss him there where I haven’t been able to kiss him before. 

James, this bastard, starts moving his hips up again while one of his hands steadies me onto them and the other brushes through my hair. 

“Love?”

I hum against his skin. 

He pulls gently at my shirt and I understand instantly. 

Thankfully mine doesn’t have annoying buttons and he can just strip it off me without any complications. 

When my shirt lands on the floor next to his I expect to feel insecure or something like that. Well, it is a weird feeling to be watched like that when you are barely wearing anything but surprisingly I don’t feel self-conscious at all.

How could I when James is looking at me like I’m a five-course meal?

“You are so beautiful,” he murmurs, his hands tracing up my body. “So, so beautiful. Look at you.”

When his hands aren’t enough anymore I pull his head down and he gladly obeys, kissing up my neck and behind my ear.

“James, I-” I swallow. “I haven’t done this before.”

He stops, holding me steady. “Sex?”

“No, I’ve had sex, just not-” God, this is so embarrassing. “Not with a male.”

“Ah.” James sits back at me to look me in the eyes. “Do you have any questions?”

“I mean… wait-” I tilt my head, looking at him carefully. “Don’t tell me you have-”

He really has the audacity to fucking smirk, his eyes glimmering with mischief. “Well, I’ve experimented once or twice, if I’m being honest. I hope this isn’t a problem for you.”

“No, actually…” I bite onto my lower lip, looking down a bit. “Actually I’m glad because I have no fucking idea how this is supposed to work.”

“Okay.” James suddenly has this business-like tone to his voice and when he lifts me up a bit to sit me next to him I’m almost scared that he is turned off by my little experience. “There are a few ways same sex couples can have sex, and for two males obviously too,” he starts explaining while playing with my hair and my pants, keeping his fingers busy with something, anything. 

After he has finished explaining I just stare at him.

“If you now decide that isn’t you cup of tea or you don’t want to go all the way I understand completely-”

“No, it’s not that-” I shake my head, clearing my thoughts. “It’s just- I guess it’s a bit more similar to ‘normal’ sex than I thought it would be.”

“Well, kind of, yes. But then there is also the option to work with dildos-”

“Yes, thanks, James, but uhm that is going a bit far now, yeah? Why don’t we work with our own cocks for now.”

James bursts into laughter at that and nods before kissing me again and then our hands and  mouths are everywhere, deep breaths and moans filling the silence of the night. 

“Just tell me when to stop, okay?” he whispers on top of me. “Tell me and I’ll stop, no questions asked.”

I nod, clinging onto his shoulders. 

“I trust you.”

Chapter Text

It’s barely sunrise when I wake up before James, the sound of his heavy breathing the only thing breaking the silence. 

He looks so peaceful like that, so calm. Innocent almost. 

Well, after last night not really anymore. 

My heart clenches at the mere thought of the night, picking up pace and leaving me feeling unsettled. 

This is it, I think. This is what I’ve been afraid of all along. 

Because I don’t feel happy right now. 

I don’t feel happy lying next to him, next to his naked body, traces of our doing on my chest. I don’t feel over the moon and beyond the stars, nor like the sun is enlightening me with its warmth anymore.

I feel cold. 

Empty, and dark. 

This is wrong. 

This is so very wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. 

Why did I do this?

I pull back my hand from where it had been stroking James’ hair, sitting up abruptly. 

The impact of what we have done is now washing over me, a cool wave hitting me from all sides, drowning me within and dragging me down. 

“Reg, are you okay?”

I must have woken him up. 

Shit. Shit. Shit.

He can’t see me like this. 

He can’t know I regret it. 

A soft hand strokes over my naked back, making me twitch involuntarily. I can only pray he didn’t notice.

“Talk to me. How do you feel?”

“I-”

Why does it all feel so wrong? How could I have wanted it so much but now that it has happened I wish to take it all back?

Dirty. 

That’s what I feel like right now.

What I am.

Dirty.

“I feel fine,” I say, my breaking voice betraying me. “Did you, uhm- did you sleep well?” I brush through my hair and turn around to him, trying to smile as convincingly as possible. 

James frowns, his dark eyebrows throwing shadows over his eyes. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying, okay?” I defend myself and throw my legs out of the bed. “Just- give me some time, okay?”

“Will you hold what happened last night against me?” he asks. 

Is that what you care about? I want to ask. I know better not to. It wouldn’t be fair. 

I just shake my head. “No. I wouldn’t. I wanted this as much as you did. Maybe even more.”

“Wanted? As in past tense?”

“Don’t think too much about it, yeah?” I free myself of his touch, quickly pulling on my boxers, throwing him his shirt to clean himself after doing so myself. 

“How could I not, Reg? Please talk to me.”

I sigh, dropping my head between my shoulders. “What do you want to hear?”

“That you don’t regret it.”

“Okay, I don’t regret it.”

“Don’t lie.”

I huff. “You wanted me to tell you that I don’t regret it so I did. What do you really want, James?”

“I want the truth,” he says desperately, sitting up behind me. 

God, how I wish he would put something on.

“Well, you can’t have both,” I whisper. 

James doesn’t respond after that but I can’t expect him to. I wouldn’t know what to say either. 

I try to wash away the guilt and shame with an ice-cold shower but it only makes me feel even sicker so I try boiling hot water which just burns my skin. 

Nothing feels right anymore. 

My skin feels too tight and my insides too hot. I wish I could tear them out. 

And I’m sore. I’m so fucking sore and it’s a constant reminder of what we did, of what I did, of what I let him do. It’s mocking me. 

If my butthole had a voice it would surely laugh at me now. 

I should’ve known before. Usually I know myself better than that but- I guess I was just blinded by love. 

Dumb and pathetic. 

I decide to call Pandora after I get out of the shower. I don’t know what’s driving me to do so but it seems like the only right thing to do now. 

The only thing that could keep me sane right now. 

They are probably the only person I could talk to about this.

It rings a few times before they pick up. 

“Hello?”

“That’s how you answer your calls?”

“Reg?!”

“Yup, it’s me.” I can’t help but smile a bit, already feeling a little bit better. “How come you could pick up?”

“Mum and dad aren’t home this weekend,” they answer and I can hear the grin in their voice. “But I’m glad you called! I’ve meant to do so for forever but you know how they are-”

“Yes, of course, Pandora. No, I understand. How are you? How are things going with your girlfriend?”

“Oh, she is amazing, Reg! I wish you could meet her… Have you thought about my offer? It would be so much fun!”

“Yes, I, uhm-” I had actually decided against it to be able to spend more time with James this summer but I can hardly tell them that I’m dropping them for a boy. But at the same time, that’s exactly why I called… “Do you remember when I told you I haven’t met anyone? Well, I lied,” I say carefully, waiting for their reaction.

“Regulus Arcturus Black!” they call out. “You absolute bastard! I can’t believe you lied to me about something so important! Well, I can’t be angry with you forever so go on, tell me about them.”

“So… he-”

“He?!” they disrupt me and bless them, they sound so happy. “Go on, tell me more, loverboy.”

“So, he is… Sirius’ best friend, actually, who came to visit us this summer.”

“No way! Reg, you little slut!”

“Hey, you don’t even know what happened yet!”

“Yes, but I hope it’s something dirty.”

“Yeah… That’s the problem.”

“Ah.” They make a dramatic pause. “So you regret it.”

Not a question, a statement. 

And oh, how it’s true. 

“I don’t even know why, Pandora… I mean, I wanted to, it’s not like he forced me to do anything I didn’t want to and actually… It was great. He was great.”

“Oh, so the sex was good?” they ask and if I could see them they would be wiggling their eyebrows right now for sure. 

“Yes,” I exhale, a little bit embarrassed. “Yes, the sex was really good.”

“Then where is the problem?”

“I was hoping you could tell me that.”

“I would really love to but you aren’t giving me much to work with here, Reg.”

They are right. And I know I could tell them everything, maybe even should for all our sakes but I just can’t. This feels too personal, too close to my heart. I’m not ready yet to open up about it to others. 

“I just feel so… dirty, you know? I don’t even know where this comes from but I just woke up and felt so disgusting. And ashamed.”

“Oh, Reg… I know how you feel.”

“You do?” I ask, some hope sparkling in me. 

“Yes, of course. It’s- it’s scary, sleeping with someone for the first time. And when it’s someone from the same sex it can… it can feel a bit wrong afterwards, no matter how good it felt during it.”

“But I don’t mind that he is a boy. I never cared. You know that,” I try to defend myself. 

“Yes, and I love you for that, but… look, queerness isn’t something you grow up with, not usually at least. You have to teach yourself about it and sometimes things can go too fast. I think that’s the case with you. I know you don’t mind and you shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean that this isn’t something new for you too, something you have to explore first.”

“So you're telling me I shouldn’t have slept with him this early? That I should’ve waited?”

“No, not really… I mean, unless you feel like that. What I mean is that it’s okay for you to feel overwhelmed right now. Maybe talk to him? I’m sure he won’t judge you.”

“No, you are right, he wouldn’t…” Thinking about it, they might be right. Maybe I wasn’t emotionally ready yet, even if I think I was. 

God, this is so confusing. 

Why can these things never be clear?

“Reg, Jazz is calling me.”

“Who?”

“That amazing girlfriend of mine, duh?”

“Her name is Jazz? Like the music genre?” I joke, trying to hold my laugh in. 

“Oh, damn you, Regulus. I love you, yeah?”

“I love you too. Thank you.”

“Always. And talk to him, okay?”

“Yes, I will.”

“Bye, Reg. See you!”

Then they hang up. 

And I’m alone with my thoughts again. 

I don’t go down for breakfast or lunch or supper. Mainly because I am really sore and just want to spend the day in my bed, not having to sit upright. But also because I don’t know how to address the James situation yet. Don’t know how to explain to him what I felt. I don’t even know it myself. 

Talking with Pandora has helped a bit. They are probably right, maybe I just need more time. To figure this out, to figure me out. 

To figure us out.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? 

Every story needs a villain, an antagonist, someone who wants to destroy the main character’s life. 

In my story, it’s time. 

Oh, how I wish it were someone I could yell at, blame my downfall on. 

But how does one blame time? Something so natural and inevitable.

The more I think about it, however, I find myself thinking that it isn’t time who’s the villain of my story. 

Maybe it’s me.

Maybe it’s been me all along. 

How pathetic. Being the villain of your own story.

There’s a knock on the door. I hope that it’s James.

I always hope it’s James, actually. 

“Yes!”

The door opens slowly, a fuzz of dark long hair peeking through. 

“Hey,” Sirius says. "Je ne t'ai pas vu de la journée."

I sit up, gesturing to him to step in. "Ouais, désolé, je n'en avais pas envie. J'ai laissé Kreacher m'apporter de la nourriture, cependant," I note, pointing at the empty dishes next to my bed. 

"Oh, oui. Bien."  

“So…” I drag on. "Qu'est-ce qu'il y a ?"

"Uhm, je suis juste venu voir comment tu allais."  

I could probably count on one hand how many times he has said that in the past few years.

"Ok, super. Je vais bien."

He raises an eyebrow. “Visiblement pas, sinon tu serais descendu-”

“Sirius!” I cut in, my voice strained. I sigh. “Qu'est-ce que tu veux vraiment, mh ? Ne fais pas comme si tu t'en souciais vraiment."

"Est-ce qu'on doit vraiment recommencer ?" He sounds as exhausted as I feel. 

I wave with my hand. "J'en ai rien à foutre."

"Putain, on est de mauvaise humeur aujourd'hui, hein ?"

"Pour commencer, nous ne sommes rien, Sirius. Et maintenant, ne restez pas là à m'embêter, je n'ai vraiment pas le courage de le faire aujourd'hui."

"Ok, ok.” He rolls his eyes. “Bon. Je suis juste venu te dire que maman ne viendra pas nous voir cet été."

Ah. 

I wish I could pretend that I didn’t care. That her visit didn’t matter to me. That I’m not hurt.

I wish I could pretend as good as Sirius can. 

"Eh bien, merci de me l'avoir dit, je suppose.”

But Sirius doesn’t leave.

I tilt my head. “Autre chose ?"

"Tu es déçu ?"

"Quoi ?"

"Êtes-vous déçu qu'elle ne vienne pas ?"

I breathe out heavily. This isn’t necessarily a conversation I’m dying to have. "Tu l'es ?"

"Non."

"C'est bien pour toi. Maintenant, va-t'en."

"On pourrait penser que mère t'a appris de meilleures manières."

"Je ne pensais pas que tu t'en souciais."

"Je ne m'en soucie pas."

“Sirius,” I sigh. Je ne sais vraiment pas pourquoi tu es encore là, à part pour m'ennuyer."

"Ok, bien!” He throws his hands up, turning on the spot. “Je veux juste dire que je comprendrais. Si tu étais déçu. Ou blessée. Ce n'est pas parce que j'essaie de m'en moquer que vous devez faire de même."

With that he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

Chapter Text

It had been like an unspoken rule between us. A mutual understanding. 

This isn’t a love story like you read about in your books. Where two people meet over the summer, fall in love and spend the rest of their lives together. 

No, this is just the first part. Maybe even the second, if I’m bold enough to assume that it is love. If I would’ve gotten lucky it could’ve been forever. Infinitely. 

But I hardly do. At least not when it comes to love. So I never let myself hope. Hope for the third part of this story. The part where the lovers have a happy ending. Where the sun and the stars find a way to shine at the same time. 

James and I both knew it. Knew that this wasn’t going to end well, that our ways were going to part after this summer and that this was never supposed to be a lifetime thing. It had been sitting between us the whole time. That if we take one step too far, dream too big, we will drown.

That’s why the end doesn’t surprise me. Our story has always been one doomed to end eventually.

That doesn’t mean it hurts any less, though.

Stars and the moon shining in the same night sky. Chasing each other's beauty, feeding off of each other’s light. Both only appreciated since the sun has shone before them, contrasting against the dark of the night. The sun saying empty words, lying it will catch up with the stars eventually. 

And I listen every time.

It loves whispering to me false promises in the cover of the dark where it doesn’t have to shine for once, loves telling me it would never leave my side, never hurt me. I know that they are all lies. 

Lies, lies, lies.

The worst part?

I don’t care. 

I let the sun repeat those lines over and over again, until I start believing it, let it touch me, let it kiss me, let it warm me until I start to believe that I could be loved like that after all.

But in the end they were still just empty promises.

And the sun was a liar.

Chapter Text

“You what?” I stare at him, sitting upright, the bed sheets creasing around my torso.

“Reg, I’m sorry, I know I should’ve told you earlier-”

“Yes, you should have!” I say, rubbing over my face, trying to clear my head. “Tomorrow, James? You’re leaving tomorrow?! Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, both hurt for not knowing and desperately trying to hold onto him for a little longer. 

“I don’t know for long either…” he tells me quietly, looking down. 

“Since when?” I say it like an accusation.

“A few days?”

I blink. “A few days? You should have told me!”

“I didn’t want to do it on your birthday!” James tries to defend himself. “And before that we weren’t talking. I’m really sorry, love. But the college I’m going to has moved our introductory week a week earlier and I need to be there-”

“Yeah, I understand,” I say when actually, I don’t. 

I knew this would happen. That he would leave and I would stay behind.

I just thought we would have more time. 

“Come here, let’s not fight now, it’s not worth it.” He pulls me into a hug, his chest pushing against my back in a steady rhythm. 

I try to focus on his breathing instead of my heart.

It’s shattering right now. 

Blood to ash and flesh to shards. 

Sirius spends most of the day with James. I understand, of course. Sirius will always be more important and I don’t blame James. I would probably choose him over me too. 

“Marlene, Dorcas and Mary are coming over today.” I hear Sirius's voice coming through the half open door to James’ room. He’s helping James pack right and probably not even aware of me in the room next to them. “I thought it would be nice if we’d have a little party or something.”

“Yes, sounds great,” James says but there is an unfamiliar strain in his voice. “Wait, no not that!” His voice suddenly gets louder as if he’s trying to stop Sirius from doing something. “That book stays here.”

“Why?” Sirius pauses for a moment. “Ah… This is property of Regulus A. Black. Please return it or I will hunt you forever.” I instantly hold my breath. “Regulus gave this to you?”

“Yeah, uhm, I asked if I could read it and he agreed as long as I leave it here when I leave.”

“Well, that makes you a whole lot worthier than us mortals,” Sirius jokes.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Regulus usually doesn’t lend his books to anyone. Not even his best friend Pandora. You’ve gotta be really special to him.”

“No, I- I just was very insistent.”

“Sure you were,” Sirius returns and I could swear I hear amusement in his voice. “So… You two got on well then, I suppose?”

“Yes, we- we got on well, you could say.” I wish I could see his face and expression right now. “He… uhm.” James struggles to find the right words. “I think people tend to underestimate him sometimes.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, I think there is more to him than he often shows.”

“You’re probably right. You really grew to like him, huh?”

“Yeah…” James lingers for a bit. “Yes, I did.”

I don’t listen to them anymore after that. I’ve heard enough. 

Enough to break my heart, at least.

Marlene, Mary and Dorcas arrive just when dinner is ready, the bunch of them bringing new life onto the table. It’s clear that Sirius is also sad that James is leaving earlier so it’s good that the girls are visiting, it’s distracting them from the situation. 

It’s inevitably distracting them from me too, though. 

I try not to be too upset about it, I’ve had James in ways they never will. But it still hurts a bit not being able to spend James’ last hours here with him. Where it’s just us. 

At least there is enough alcohol, I guess. 

It doesn’t take us long until we are all plastered, paddling around in the pool, music blasting around us. Even the topic of love makes it into the conversation. How fitting. 

“I’ve only been in love once,” Sirius lulls, holding a bottle of I don’t fucking know what in his hands, drifting to one end to the other on his pink floating mat. “Actually, I’m still in love, can you fucking believe that?!”

“Love makes us pathetic,” Dorcas agrees. 

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” Marlene calls out and smacks her on the arm. 

“Well, for my part,” Mary starts. “Love has never worked out well. Why have heartbreak when you just- cannot?”

“Because of the ice cream,” Marlene points out, gaining murmurs of agreement from the others. 

Great, now I’m thinking of how James had bought me that extremely delicious ice cream in Florence and kissed me after that, his mouth still tasting of lemons. 

Unfair. 

I take another sip. 

“Mh, I can’t complain,” James blurs out, raising his glass. I shoot him a look. 

“Oh, tell us more, Jamie,” Mary demands. 

“I mean, there is not much to say- but just- let’s just say I’ve been lucky in the past.” He looks over at me long enough for me to get nervous. 

“And you, Regulus?” Dorcas asks, paddling towards me. “Tell us about your past loves.”

“Ew, gross,” Sirius says, throwing her a look. “That’s my little brother.”

“And? That doesn’t mean he doesn’t get any. I mean, he is really handsome.”

“Thank you,” I return, winking at her. 

“Hey, don’t flirt with him.”

“I’m just saying.” She throws her hands up. “Anyone would be lucky to have him.”

“I agree.”

Everyone throws James a look at that. 

“I just mean- like yeah, why shouldn’t he get any, like Dorcas said,” he struggles to explain himself, much to my amusement. 

“Let’s change subjects, yeah?” Sirius suggests and toasts at that. To be honest, he would toast to anything right now. 

“I’ll miss this,” James says after a moment and sighs. “Just chilling with you all, the Italian sun burning down on me…”

“Tomorrow you’ll have the American air suffocating you,” Marlene says. “Nothing better than that.”

“And we’ll see each other soon too!” Sirius tells James. “Just two loners making the streets of New York unsafe.”

“Yeah…” James says but is looking at me. “Sounds great.”

It’s our last night together so we try to get the most out of it.

“You could visit me one day, you know,” I say as I lie on his chest, listening to the beating of his heart, his fingers running through my hair. “In France I mean. We have a flat in Paris. We could walk along the Seine and watch the Eiffel Tower and I could laugh at your poor attempts at speaking French.”

“Je suis très bon en francais,” James returns with a heavy English accent.

I chuckle. “Sure.”

“But yes, I would love that. A lot.” I love you a lot. Those words hang unspoken in the air, thickening in around us. 

So he just bends down to kiss me. Sweet and tender.

“You are horribly romantic.”

“Says the one who just talked about visiting Paris together. The city of love.”

In this moment we can pretend that this is actually something possible, something that could happen in the future. That tomorrow he won’t leave and we probably won’t see each other again too soon. 

We can pretend that we are different people, two other lovers. 

We just pretend. 

But at least we will be under the same stars, right?

Chapter Text

I don’t get a dramatic and heart-breaking goodbye like in the books. I don’t get to kiss James for the last time at the train station, hoping we wouldn’t be who we are, don’t get to hold him until the last call for the train rings out, don’t get to wave at him until he just only a small dot on the edge of the horizon, only memories left to connect two complete strangers. 

At least he hugs me for a few seconds. 

Not as long as he hugs Sirius, though. 

And at least we wave for a small moment.

Not as long as my heart aches to do, though. 

It’s kind of weird. How two months of growing and getting to know each other, of kissing and touching and loving comes down to one so insignificant moment, to one small goodbye and nothing more. It could have been any Tuesday, really. It wouldn’t have mattered any less. 

It’s what I’ve loved about us. About him.

That when I was with him nothing in this world had seemed to matter, how our love had seemed infinite. Immortal, almost. 

But now that he is gone I realise how ephemeral life actually is. How little actually matters. It had been a good thing once, but now I’m not so sure. 

I had compared him to the gods once. 

Oh, how I wish for us to be immortal, for a chance of eternity. 

For us to be gods.

I sit next to Uncle Alphard, watching him smoke his cigarette. 

He asks me if we have brought James to the train station safely. I say yes, we have. Did he bid me the farewell I deserve?

I look at him. 

“Vous deux, vous aviez une belle amitié.”

I huff. Mh, yes. Friendship.

"Je me trompe ?”

I shake my head. What a lovely friendship this could have been if only we hadn’t been more.

He takes another drag on his cigarette. “Tu es trop intelligent pour ne pas savoir à quel point ce que vous deux aviez était rare, spécial.”

Where is this going? Certainly not in the direction I have anticipated.

“Tous les deux vous êtes chanceux de vous être trouvés. James était bon, mais toi aussi tu es bon. J'ai l'impression que parfois tu ne t'en rends pas compte."

"Je pense qu'il était meilleur que moi, mon oncle," I admit.

"Je suis sûr qu'il dirait la même chose de toi. Il a toujours vu plus en toi que tu ne l'as jamais fait."

Okay, he definitely knows. 

How could we have been so careless?

He breathes out, smoke filling the sticky summer air. "En ce moment... tu ne veux peut-être rien ressentir. Peut-être que vous souhaitez ne jamais rien ressentir. Mais ressentir quelque chose que tu as manifestement ressenti.”

I look at him, trying to process his words. Maybe that is the moment I should say that he is wrong about everything, that James and I were just good friends and I’ll be just fine now that he is gone. But I can’t, and I don’t.

“Ecoute,“ he continues. “vous deux aviez une belle amitié. Peut-être même plus qu'une amitié. D'autres à ma place espéreraient que tout cela disparaisse. Mais je ne suis pas comme eux. Je ne te dirai pas d'oublier tout ça, pas quand cela a manifestement signifié tant pour toi. S'il y a une douleur, laisse-toi la ressentir. Ne la tue pas, Regulus. N'oublie pas. On arrache tant de choses de nous-mêmes pour être guéri plus vite mais ne rien ressentir pour ne rien ressentir... quel gâchis.”

I blink at him, tears forming in my eyes.

“Ai-je parlé à tort et à travers ?”

I shake my head. 

“Alors laissez-moi dire encore une chose. Je promets que je ne dirai plus rien de cette affaire après ça. Pas si tu ne veux pas que je le fasse. La façon dont vous vivez votre vie vous regarde, mais rappelez-vous, nos cœurs et nos corps ne nous sont donnés qu'une fois. Et avant que tu le saches, ton cœur est usé, et ton corps avec. C'est peut-être trop pour toi en ce moment, et tu veux peut-être tout arrêter, mais... fais attention, Regulus. Ne fais pas l'erreur d'éteindre les souvenirs heureux avec.”

I nod. There is nothing else I can say. He has already said everything there is to say. 

"Est-ce que Sirius est au courant ?" 

I don’t know if I should hope he does or not. 

"Je ne pense pas qu'il le sache. Il a son propre rôle à jouer, dans sa propre histoire. Elle pourrait même être plus similaire à la vôtre qu'il ne le pense."

I nod again. 

It’s his way to tell me that even if he did know, he wouldn’t think of it any different.

Chapter Text

You might laugh at me now. Because I remembered. 

Because today is the 3rd of July and I still haven’t stopped thinking about him, about last summer.

But today a year ago I never knew what was coming my way. Who was. Today one year ago I could’ve never imagined him becoming a part of my life but here I am now, still helplessly in love with him. 

And still in pieces because he left.

Today I let myself replay last summer in my head. At least the parts I remember. The parts that mattered. 

James. 

He is the part that mattered. 

To me, at least. 

I don’t let myself think about him too much. I think it would crush me right then and there. 

But today I can’t help it. 

And selfishly I wish that somewhere in a little flat in New York he thinks about me too. 

Still does.

Chapter Text

Today, one year ago, we kissed for the first time. 

Maybe it’s dumb, silly, even pathetic that I remember.

Maybe it just means that I cared. 

Cared enough to remember, at least. 

Sometimes I wonder if I regret him. The summer. Everything. 

The kiss. 

Us.

I can’t say I do. 

Being with him never felt wrong. The opposite actually. With him everything had always felt right, like that is how it was supposed to be, where I was supposed to be. Right under his touch, in his presence.

Life had always felt right when he was around.

But love is never wrong, is it?

Chapter Text

The phone rings.

It doesn’t ring often so this has to be important.

I lay down the headphones I got for Christmas and pick up the hearer.

“Bonjour?” I say because I expect it to be someone from my family. 

It isn’t. 

“Reg? Are you there?”

Oh god, I haven’t heard his voice in forever. 

I sit down. “Hi.”

“Hey.”

“How are you?”

“I’m- I'm good. How are you, Sirius, your uncle?”

“I’m good. They’re fine.”

“Good.” For a man of many words James is surprisingly quiet this time.

“I miss you,” I say quietly through the speaker because I’m afraid of the effect those words will have. Will he say he misses me too? That he doesn’t? Will he ignore my words all along and just ask me to put Sirius on the phone?

But it’s been over two years and I can’t expect him to still think about it, even if I do.

“Me too,” James says finally and my heart sinks a bit because if he misses me why didn’t he call before but it also starts beating faster because if he misses me he might come back. “Very much.”

It’s all coming back now, all the memories I tried to suppress, every hidden kiss and every brief touch. It’s all coming back and I want to hold him again and tell him how much I love him but I can’t because right now he is nothing more than a voice speaking to me from another world. 

“I have news.”

Oh. 

“News?” I say with as much delight in my voice as possible. And when he doesn’t answer I know. Because why else would he call? To tell me he loves me and wants to come back? No. To tell me he will visit us soon? No. When he left, he didn’t just leave me, he also went back to Lily because she had been waiting for him. I can’t blame her. James is somebody worth waiting for. “Oh, you’re- getting married, I suppose.” The words taste sour on my tongue, mocking me. 

“I might be getting married next spring, yes.”

Of course it’s a spring wedding. 

And Lily will look beautiful too. I don’t need a picture of her to know that she will.

“You never said anything,” I say because I still have hopes that this is just one big joke and Sirius is actually on the other line, silently laughing at me, just waiting to reveal the prank. I say it because I still want to bid James a way out of it. I say it because he truly never said anything.

But he never had to. We both knew we weren’t supposed to last forever.

“I- I didn’t expect it too,” he says after a while and oh what I would do to see him again because just hearing his voice simply isn’t enough. “It just sort of happened. But then I looked at Lily and I knew-”

“Yes, I understand. That’s wonderful news.”

“Do you mind?” James asks through the phone.

“I think it was meant this way,” I whisper, although I want to tell him everything. How much I miss him, how I want to relive it all again, how I would break myself over and over again just to be fixed by him, how I will love him forever even if I shouldn’t and-

But then there is Sirius on the other speaker. “James! Prongs, oh my god. Reggie, why didn’t you get me? How’s Christmas?”

“I actually called to tell you I’m engaged,” I hear James say and it hurts so much more to hear it come from his mouth, in his voice. 

“Ah, James! That’s wonderful. So Lily finally said yes.” Sirius laughs. “I’m so happy for you mate, congratulations!”

“Thank you, Pads,” James says and I can hear the smile in his voice. “But- uhm, I- can I talk to Regulus for a sec?”

“Yes, sure, I’ll see you soon, yeah? Give your parents a kiss from me!”

Sirius hangs up and it’s just me and James again.

“He knows about us,” I say. 

“I figured.” His voice is quiet. 

“How?”

“Uhm… the way Sirius talked to me before I left. He told me about Remus and I think he did it because he wanted to show his support, or something. You are very lucky to have him.”

I don’t answer for a moment.

“I remember everything,” James says finally. Maybe to break the silence, maybe because he actually means it. He told me once he wouldn’t lie to me. I believed it then and I want to believe it now. 

I can’t get myself to say anything, afraid of how my voice might sound. So I just nod even though he can’t see me, biting on my lip and smiling a little bit. 

Because if he remembers it means it was true and not just in my head, because it means that it actually meant something, to the both of us, and wasn’t just a lazy summer flirt. Because if he remembers, I might be allowed to remember as well and it won’t be a secret that will eat me whole until there is nothing left, not even my heart, because I gave it away, what seems like an eternity ago now, to the boy whose voice is all I have left. 

After we hang up, dinner is almost ready.

I tell Kreacher I’m not hungry but he insists on me eating something anyway. 

“Aspetta un attimo. La cena è quasi pronta e poi vado a prendere gli altri.”

So I wait, hocking in front of the fireplace because it provides the heat I need right now. 

And then I cry.

Silent, vulnerable, alone. 

I don’t even know why there are suddenly tears rolling down my cheeks when I haven’t cried one time since James left.

Maybe it’s because of exactly that. Because I haven’t let myself before. Because before that call he was just a distant memory in the back of my head but now that I’ve heard his voice it seems so much more real and so does the pain. The pain suddenly feels so real. 

But I also cry because he has somebody else and even though I know it should have never been him and me, it still feels like I lost something.

So I let the tears roll down because no one is here to watch me, to judge me and to point a finger at me and say ha, this is what love does to you, you should have been more careful. 

No, it’s just me and my memories and the echo of feelings and touches that once were and never will be. This evening I let myself feel everything, remember everything, even if after today it will all be just a memory again. 

And even though that is all we are now, a memory, two lovers separated by faith and it should have never been any different, my heart will nonetheless forever be stuck in the summer of 1978.

Chapter Text

I should probably be the bigger person. Go up to him. But something is holding me back.

Maybe it’s the fact that he hasn’t tried to talk to me since. 

It’s been two days now and we still haven’t talked about what happened or about how I reacted and why. Or talked at all, actually. Honestly it’s just really dumb, our behaviour, because we are just wasting time away. Time we don’t have. 

And yet I’m still waiting. 

I hate myself a little more every passing minute for it. 

It’s not like there aren’t plenty of opportunities for us to talk. I mean, we see each other every day several times so really, this shouldn’t be a problem. 

Usually I spend every free minute - I have a lot of these since I don’t have to entertain him anymore - by the pool, trying to wash the hot August air off my skin. 

For the past weeks it has always been James who finds me when I’m alone. I’m not sure if he had actually been searching for me or if it was just out of instinct, but I’ve never complained. 

Now it’s Uncle Alphard who does. 

“Regulus,” he calls out as he limps down the stairs and I look up from my book. 

“Oncle, attends! Laisse-moi t' aider.” I spring up and help him down the last few steps. 

“Merci, mon garçon. Merci.” He pats me onto the shoulder as he sits down. “Qu'est-ce que tu fais ici tout seul ? Le jour de ton anniversaire en plus…” 

Ah, so he didn’t forget. 

I’m not sure whether I should be glad he didn’t or wish he had. I’ve never really enjoyed celebrating my birthday.

“J'aime être seul, oncle.”

But not lonely.

“Bien sûr.” He ruffles my hair playfully, water drops hitting my shoulders. “Eh bien, Kreacher t'a fait un gâteau si tu en veux un. Il a l'air vraiment bon, peut-être qu'on pourra en manger un ensemble plus tard, ouais ?” He gives me a faint smile. 

“Oui, bien sûr. Pourquoi pas,” I respond although I really don’t feel like it at all. 

“Ok, je vais te laisser seul dans ta solitude alors.” I help him up again. “Juste- ah, oublie ça. Je t'aime, mon garçon. Joyeux anniversaire.” He cups my cheek and I fall into the touch, wishing it were James’. 

“Merci. Je t’aime aussi.”

I stay at the pool until noon before I make my way up to the house again, seeking the coolness of my room. And my bed. 

Guess fate has other plans with me.

Because just as I almost reach the top there is James walking right at me. It hits me then that we haven't been alone since our night together and all the feelings immediately creep up my body again, memories distracting me from what’s actually important right now. 

Getting out of his way. 

I look around, trying to find a way out but I just decide on going down again, panicking inside. 

I don’t know what to say to him or what he wants to talk about. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I shouldn’t have ignored him, this is only getting worse that way. 

“Reg, wait!” James calls after me and now there truly is no way anymore of me getting out of this situation. 

I resign and come to halt, turning around. “Yes, James?”

Breath-taking. 

That’s what I think when he stops in front of me, looking down at me a bit. 

He is breath-taking. 

And I miss him immediately. 

God, I miss him so much. 

“We, uhm- I-” The awkwardness is barely bearable. “Sirius told me it’s your birthday today.”

So that fucker remembers too, how great. 

“Yes, I guess it is. D’you want to congratulate me? If not, move.”

“Actually, no, I mean yes! Yes, I do want to congratulate you.”

I tilt my head. “Well then, do so.”

“Uhm, happy birthday, Regulus,” he says, although it sounds more like a question. 

“Thanks.” I try to move past him, book and towel still in my arms but he grabs me by the shoulders. 

“No, wait. This isn’t the only thing I wanted to tell you.”

“Okay. What else?”

“I- I wanted to apologise, actually.”

“Apologise? For what?” I ask, confused. What on earth would he want to apologise for?

“For pushing you,” he says, regret in his eyes. 

Oh boy, this is going to hurt…

“This is my fault, I shouldn’t have- You told me you hadn’t done this before and I shouldn’t have pushed you into doing it. I’m so sorry, Reg.”

“Hold on,” I cut in, searching for his eyes. “James, I don’t regret it, I swear I don’t. It’s the opposite actually, I’m glad for it. I’m glad it was you, James.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“Then why did it seem like-”

“Because I’m an idiot.”

He smiles slightly. “You aren’t an idiot, Reg.”

“Well, in that moment I was.

“Okay, maybe you were…”

I smack his arm. “Hey!”

James laughs and it’s like everything is good again. Between us. “But if you don’t regret it, why didn't you come to me?”

“I don’t know… You didn’t try to talk to me either, though.”

“I didn’t know if you wanted me to.”

“I did- do. I always do.”

He pauses, just looking at me. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“Yeah?”

“Mh. Come here.” 

We both laugh when he pulls me into a hug and I just let my stuff fall onto the ground to hold him tighter, taking the comfort of his body in, his warmth. 

“Reg?”

“Mh?”

“I know I’ve technically told you that already but we were kind of fighting so… happy birthday. Really.”

I lean back a little to look him in the eyes, my lips forming into a smile. “Thank you. Really.”

James then presses his smile onto mine and it’s just both of us grinning like idiots and not being able to kiss properly. Touching, laughing, and some kissing in between there.

And lots of loving.

The day remains pretty insignificant considering that it’s a day others in my place would celebrate big. Uncle Alphard and I - and Kreacher, bless him - eat some cake in the kitchen in the afternoon and Sirius even comes to me personally (shocking, right?) to wish me a happy birthday. I even got a little package from Pandora: It’s a little notebook I can write more of my messy thoughts into. 

They really are the best.

I don’t expect more. Meaning: I don’t expect more of my mother. She doesn’t call but wrote me a little card: Happy birthday, Regulus. Short and sweet, just like her patience. I bet she wouldn’t even know which birthday I’m “celebrating” today if I asked her. 

18.

I’m turning fucking 18 today. Or more like, I’ve turned 18 today already (it’s past 19:14). It’s honestly crazy how I’m considered a legal adult now. But I don’t feel really different, actually, or grown up. 

Guess I won’t be able to sing the shit out of Dancing Queen anymore now. 

“Pss!”

I turn around from where I’ve been standing at the balcony, watching the sunset. 

“James?”

He peeks through the door. “Come with me,” he whispers, offering me his hand.

“James, what are you doing?”

“Come on, I wanna show you something.”

“What could you possibly want to show me at half past seven?”

“Ugh, will you just follow me?” he begs and well, I’m no saint. I can’t resist a begging man. 

“Fine.” I go over to him and take his hand and he starts leading me downstairs. “Why aren’t you hanging out with Sirius?”

“Told him I was going to bed earlier. Besides, it’s your birthday, not his. And I really don’t want to do what I’m going to do with you now with him. Ew, gross.” He shudders.

“Oh, so that is what this is all about,” I say jokingly, smirking. “You are just seducing me to have sex with me.”

“No, I would never,” he whisper-calls out and gives me a quick kiss. “But also yes.”

“James, where are we going?” I ask when he is leading me outside.

“Wait here, yeah?” He gives me another kiss before he lets go of my hand and leaves me standing at the side of the road. 

I wait for about ten minutes before a bright light blinds me and the sound of wheels on gravel fills the night. I shield my eyes and let them adjust to the sudden light before I can make out what it is. 

“What the fuck…”

It’s James in a fucking car, his head peeking out of the window, the brightest smile ever on his lips. God, he looks so proud.

“Hop in, lover.”

“And where are we driving?”

“Away!” he declares, throwing his arm into the sky. 

“You are so dramatic, has anybody ever told you that?”

“Maybe. Now jump in.”

I contemplate whether this is a good idea for a good second or two before I decide that it definitely isn’t but get into the care, nonetheless. “I just want you to know that I’m only doing this because it’s you.”

“And I’m damn glad for it.”

“No, seriously James, where are we driving?” I ask once we are down the hill. “I really hope you have a plan.”

“Of course I do. I want it to be a surprise, though,” James says and looks over to wink at me. 

“Idiot!” I shove his face back, smiling anyway. 

“Anything you wanna listen to?”

“Mh, let’s just see what Sirius played last,” I say and press play. 

Can anybody find me somebody to love? plays through the speakers dramatically and I can’t help but laugh because these lyrics are so ridiculously fitting. 

James and I sing through the lyrics of Somebody To Love and White Man by Queen until the intro of Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy starts playing. 

James screams out loud excitedly and increases the volume “Ooh, love, ooh, loverboy. What’re you doin’ tonight, hey, boy? Set my alarm, turn on my charm. That’s because I’m a good old-fashioned loverboy,” he sings, turning his head to me repeatedly to dedicate the lyrics to me. 

This gives me instant flashbacks to when we had been dancing together in the club that feels an eternity ago now.

“I’d like for you and I to go romancing. Say the word, your wish is my command,” James practically screams and I tune in with a bright grin for the chorus. 

“When I’m not with you, think of you always (I miss those long hot summer nights). When I’m  not with you, think of me always. Love you, love you,” we sing and I can’t help this melancholy feeling from crushing down onto me. I realise that this is it - well, we still have a bit more than a week together but after that, it’ll be over. No more secret kissing, no more longing looks or chased touches. 

I’m not even sure if I’ll ever see him again. 

“That’s because I’m a good old fashioned lover boy,” I sing the last line, just staring at James, taking the sight of James in. 

The curve of his nose bridge, the smallest freckles next to his eye, the dimple on his right cheek, the dark colour of his lips, every blemish, the way his eyebrow rise when he is talking about something that excites him and how he brushes through his hair probably more often than he ever realises. How the traffic lights flicker over his face, like revealing a well-kept secret in the night.

Nobody is perfect, I know that. But damn, James surely comes close. 

“I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” James says, one of his hands stroking over my leg briefly. 

“And what would I see?”

“Perfection.”

“You are giving me way too much credit, loverboy,” I return.

“No,” he breathes out. “Not nearly enough.”

I only realise where he has driven us when he parks on the side of a tree-lined street, the last gaps of sunlight shining upon us.

“Really, James? Florence?” I ask but spring out of the car excitedly, nonetheless. 

“Well, it’s kind of where things started off between us so I thought it would be nice to come here again.”

I turn around, my heart beaming with affection. “You think so?”

“Don’t you remember?”

“Yes, I do. I just didn’t think you would,” I admit. 

“I remember everything, Regulus. How could I ever forget?”

I’m not exaggerating when I say this is the best birthday I’ve ever had. Okay, there probably aren’t that many to compete but truly, I’ve never been this happy. 

James watches the sunset with me before we go down to the downtown area. He buys me as much ice cream as I can eat and holds my hand when no one is looking, pulls me into forgotten alleys, kissing me in the shadows because we aren’t ready to show the world yet, because this is something only between us, just love between two boys. 

Pure, innocent, true. 

This isn’t a dramatic love story with tears and fights, a love that consumes you and takes you down, cracking you until you are just the facade of what you have been, of what you could be. But at the same time this isn’t a love story for life, something that’s supposed to last no matter how much it hurts. 

This isn’t the epic love story you read about in your books. 

But maybe that’s exactly what I needed this summer, I just don’t realise it yet. Something sweet and comforting. 

And that’s exactly what James is. 

Sweet and comforting. 

“I love you,” James says sometime in the night. 

I can’t remember if I said it back or not. Probably not. If it bothers him, he doesn’t let it show. 

Thinking back I wish I had said it back because I’ve felt it, really. 

But like I said, love isn’t that simple. 

Sometimes it’s more complicated than it could be.

It’s already past two in the morning when we get back and he leads me into his room and I let him because I love him, I really do. 

“I still have something for you,” James tells me when I’m sitting on his bed. 

“If it isn’t your cock I don’t want it,” I mutter and go back to kissing his neck, encouraged by the sounds that escape his mouth. 

“No, wait-” He pulls back. “I really have something for you.”

“Ugh okay but make it quick.”

He smiles and grabs something out of his bag and hands it over to me. “Here, I hope you like it.”

I take it and brush over the cover of the notebook. “James, what-”

“Just read through it,” he tells me, beaming with excitement. 

“Okay,” I chuckle and flip through the pages. “Is this- are those poems?”

“Yes, I, uhm,” he scratches the back of his neck (he always does this when he is nervous). “I wrote it over the course of the last few weeks. They are about you, obviously, it would be really weird to give you poems about someone else. I hope you like them, if you don’t that’s fine too but I just thought that maybe-”

I cut him off, shutting him up with a kiss, a surprised sound escaping his lips before he kisses me back, pulling me closer by the back of my neck. 

“I love it, really. James, this is the best thing someone has ever given me,” I say once I can get myself to pull away. “I love it, a lot.”

I love you a lot, is what I actually mean to say. I hope he can see it in my eyes somewhere.

"You told me once that if you would take my heart in your hand it would be bigger than the Eiffel Tower,” James says quietly, playing with that one curl above my ear, his eyes following his movement. “But Reg, my heart has always been only yours to hold.” He moves his hand over to my chest, touching me right where my heart is beating, racing right now. “And it fits right into the palm of your hand." 

As a response I just kiss him because I don’t think that there are any words that could describe what I feel right now.

Quiet muffles of our names are the only things that are said after that.