Work Text:
Desire
When Sam Wilson is eight years old, he almost drowns doing a double somersault into a quarry, returning to consciousness coughing up water, Sarah and Gideon’s worried faces hovering over him.
Everyone is concerned, but that concern soon turns into exasperation, as it’s soon understood that Sam had done it on a dare - Sam refuses to tell them who the person was that had dared Sam, and his mother declares that it’s not that other kid’s fault that Sam was born with foolishness as his primary trait.
Sam, privately, thinks that they would understand if they knew that the dare was over Tommy Smith’s Captain America shield replica, which Sam desperately wanted, and that, other than the misfortune of almost drowning, Sam doesn’t really think that dare was much at all - he had done much worse, and survived through it.
But then again, considering the look on Mom’s face, maybe not.
She says: “I know you say you’re sorry, but you’re not, and you don’t get it, but one day you will.”
And she hugs him tight, as he feels his quiet defiance fade away into muddled regret.
Tommy shows up at night, as Sam’s been sent to his room, both to rest and to think about his actions. He has the shield in his hand, and when he hands it to Sam his eyes are wide. “I didn’t think you would do it,” he says, and he sounds awed.
“Why wouldn’t I,” Sam asks, confused. It’s not a big deal, really. He takes the shield from Tommy, and it’s nice enough, but not as nice as the look on Tommy’s face.
Years later, Tommy will become his first boyfriend, and also the first boy to break Sam’s heart. Sam almost tosses the shield into the trash as he’s clearing anything that reminds him of Tommy out of his room, but hesitates over it in the end: he’d earned this, after all.
Above all though, he remembers how he felt as he leapt off the rock, the elation of that moment he was suspended in air, right before falling.
*
As formative as the entire almost drowning experience is, Captain America isn’t even Sam’s favorite Howling Commando.
No, that’s James “Bucky” Barnes: dark hair, sweet smile, sniper.
The only Howlie besides Steve not to survive the war.
This childhood crush would come to bite him in the ass, many decades later.
But as a young boy, putting together a scrapbook of photos featuring his favorite War Hero, Sam couldn’t think that far ahead.
All he could think about is how handsome Bucky Barnes was, how beautiful his smile was.
Despair
The Air Force is filled with people who, like him, think nothing of rushing headlong into danger. Sam kicks ass and takes names, and thinks he’s prepared for war.
Spoiler: he is not.
He’s rescue and recovery, but that doesn’t make it easy, or clean.
One day, his CO slides a file over to him.
Says: “There’s an experimental program I think you’d be great for.”
Sam hears “experimental” and shifts uncomfortably in his seat; he’s not stupid, and he lives in a world where super soldiers exist.
It’s not what he thinks it is though, and when he opens the file and sees the wings he can’t quite contain the trill of excitement that runs through his body.
Glances up and his CO, who is fond of giving him grief for his reckless behavior even while acknowledging that Sam’s the best he has, says: “I’d say you will probably die, but I don’t think that’s a dealbreaker for you, Wilson. That would presume you were built like everyone else.”
Sam tries to calm the thudding beat of his heart, but his CO is sharp, and doesn’t buy any of the work Sam’s put in to give off an air of non-threatening geniality, doesn’t buy the disarming smile and charm offensive that works on just about everyone else. Sam says, in the end: “I’ll do my best, sir, not to die.”
A snort is all he receives in return.
*
Sam falls for Riley the moment they meet, but it takes months for them to hook up, and then further months for them to acknowledge that it’s not just sex.
Riley is the one that broaches the subject first, but Sam says: “Look, it’s just too complicated for both of us, okay? We have a good thing going, let’s not ruin it.”
He thinks he breaks Riley’s heart, that day; thinks he’s protecting his own.
*
It turns out his Mom was right all along, as she is about most things.
Sam swerves to avoid an RPG, thinks Riley will do the same, only he doesn’t, for some reason.
So Sam has to watch Riley die, and he gets it, that day: What it’s like to watch someone you love fall.
Except there’s no way to save Riley; there’s no miracle last minute rescue, there’s no Gideon to find Sam’s limp, floating body in the water and pull him out.
Riley falls, and keeps on falling.
Sam thinks he didn’t manage to protect his heart well enough, in the end.
*
They try to get him to stay, when he puts in his papers.
Even with clinically diagnosed PTSD, he’s apparently still of value; it’s meaningless to Sam, like almost everything else.
He wants out, and so out he gets.
Has completed the education he’d started on in between tours, and when the job comes it’s in DC, and Sam’s never been there before, but it’s near Riley’s home town, and in a way it feels like Sam’s bringing a part of him there, bringing a part of him home.
It’s the first time in his life Sam’s ever quit, the first time he’s ever stopped fighting.
But it still feels like he’s at war; he works hard, every day, to heal himself, to help others, but it still feels, every day, like he’s at war.
Denial
Captain America shows up one day while Sam’s on a jog - he jogs for miles every morning, and never once feels like he’s run far or fast enough.
Then Steve and Nat show up on his doorstep, and he gets to fly again, and it feels like he never stopped.
And maybe he never had.
*
The Winter Soldier rips off his wing and kicks him off a helicarrier, and Sam is eight years old again, suspended in air for a moment before falling.
Sam thinks it’ll be over, after that. Steve will kill Barnes, or the other way around.
Instead, when the dust clears, Barnes is in the wind.
And so Sam quits his job, packs his bags and renews his passport.
He tells himself he’s doing this for a reason; he’s doing this to save someone.
And he is, only he’s not sure who he’s trying to save, here.
*
Bucky Barnes finds him in a seedy motel room in Prague. They’ve been playing this game for months now, and the first thing Bucky says is: “I’m tired of playing.”
Sam tells him to get out, feels the tension between them tight like a violin string about to snap.
Bucky just stares at him, and his eyes are the bluest Sam’s ever seen.
Sam says: “Leave,” and Bucky says nothing, just sits down on the edge of the bed. After a moment, Sam sits down as well, as far away as he can. Tells himself he should go; should make Bucky go.
Instead Bucky inches closer, and the tip of his little finger touches Sam’s. His hair is a wave falling over his face, and Sam wants to push it back. This close, Sam can taste his loneliness, his desperation. It feels like a mirror, a close-up of his own reflection, uncomfortable and nearly unbearable.
It’s Sam that kisses him, in the end. Sam who gives in to the urge to brush Bucky’s hair back gently, who presses a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. Sam who thinks of the curve of Bucky Barnes’ smile, on a cut out magazine page stuck to a scrapbook. The returning kiss Bucky gives him is anything but chaste though, anything but gentle.
Bucky undresses him while Sam shakes, and all Bucky does is hold him down, very calm, and he says: “Do you ever get tired of running?”
Sam bares his teeth, and Bucky laughs.
Fucks him then, hard and relentless, and when it’s over, Bucky leans over him, kisses all his tears away, and says: “It’s okay to let go.”
Sam finds all his defenses slipping away, just for that one moment, hearing that.
Clutches at Bucky when he tries to leave, says: “Don‘t go.”
Bucky just nods, and stays, at least for a while. He’s running too, but here they’re suspended in time; here they can both pause, if only for a little while.
Here, Sam feels seen, for the first time in a long time. For the first time in maybe ever.
*
In a seedy motel room in Prague, Bucky Barnes sees him, and how strange, that this man, who by all accounts should be dead, who should have died decades ago, how strange that this is the man who would be the one.
Who doesn’t flinch, when Sam shows him who he really is.
Bucky kisses him, and Sam is eight years old again, running off a cliff, feeling the ground beneath his feet give way to air.
And for that one moment, he’s free.