Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Y/Ns' life hasn't been easy from the get-go.

From an absent father to other issues, you weren’t quite ready to talk about. 

Instead, you opt to talk about Sasha. Your mother would spend as much time as she could working and so you would spend your time at your neighbour’s house who also had a daughter the same age as you, Sasha. You both grew up to be the best of friends and you both would introduce the other as a sister. There was no one more important to you than Sasha and mother. You would go on trips together, at school you and her were inseparable and shared the same dream of attending university together. You would send each other videos, art, music and fanfictions of things you both had taken interest in. She would do all sorts of silly, cute things making you uncontrollably laugh all throughout the night. The only difference you both really had was your taste in boys.

Though you had other friends, Sasha was the only person you confided in. She always seemed to say the right thing every time and she never made you feel ashamed or embarrassed. Regardless of how many times you complained about the same thing she was always patient and listened like it her first-time hearing of it.

"Let me tell you Y/N, he was a good for nothing gambler who had a 10% success rate, an alcoholic, a beater, a raging narcissist and couldn't keep his dick in his pants. One sick twisted cunt." That's what Sasha's mother would spit out anytime your father was mentioned. 

Your father had left the day you were born. He had dreams of having a son and that was expected of him from his family. Your mother would say aside from having you, him leaving was the happiest day of her life because he had finally given her a reason to leave without ever looking back. She was your rock and all you had besides Sasha.  

As a child, you were always curious about this man who was half of you and yet you had never known how he looked like. Whenever you would feel his absence, your mother would pull you to her lap and she'd get a distant look in her eye and while absentmindedly stroking your hair she'd tell you A-Z about him, laughing and remembering the good times. 

Your dad’s favourite food? Any dish cooked with lamb.

His favourite genre of music? Classical.

His favourite movie? Scarface.

His favourite colour? Green.

 When it'd be Father’s Day your teacher would make everyone sit in a big circle and ask the children to pass the teddy bear to each other and tell the class one reason why they loved their dads. When it was Y/N's turn the teacher would give you a wobbly, awkward smile and would gently say it was ok to talk about your mother.

You never understood why your school did that. You'd have to listen to the kids boast what their dads bought them and all the holidays he had taken them on.

You would complain to your mother, and she would look at you with a sad expression, not saying anything.  More than often, you would sneak into her bed, and she would turn over in her sleep, pulling you to her chest and cuddling you. In her arms, you used to think if I spent this time on holiday with my dad or playing my toys, I would miss this. It was an innocent, childish thought but it made you feel better. However, anytime there would be a problem you’d cuss the absent daddy and have a go at your mother because why on earth would such a stunning, kind, hardworking, beautiful woman see in a man who's negatives attributes outweighs the positive. She’d just kiss you and say one day you’ll understand, which was a stupid thing to say because why would you let yourself be treated like that.

Eventually you ceased asking any questions about him and stopped feeling his constant absence. 

-

On your 14^th she passed and it was Sasha who was there for you. Every sleepless night after her death, it had been Sasha who had held you as you quietly sobbed in her arms and in those moments, you would beg Sasha to never leave you and she’d promise tightening her arms.

Piece by piece, you started building yourself up again, focusing on school and filling the void your mum had left. You took up extra circular activities spending as much as time outside the home full of her things, her scent and memories. With every passing day you were starting to adjust better and could eventually get through the day without breaking into tears.

All in all, you dealt with everything quite well. Sasha used to say it was a trauma response and your brain doesn't let you feel and process emotions as a form of self - protection and that's why you're able to "act normal" or whatever the fuck that means.

But you were born unlucky and everything good was replaced by sorrow and grief. You destroyed your parents’ relationship; you caused your mother's death, and you weren't there for Sasha when she needed it most. Death and bad luck seemed to follow you everywhere and after Sasha's unexpected death you took time off school. It was difficult to get out of bed, you struggled with eating and looking after yourself and you often thought, 'I could die right now, and no one will notice I'm missing.’

The waves of loneliness and grief were so harsh and cruel, and you did not know how to ease and soothe the pangs of pain in your heart. You had become consumed by suicidal thoughts, every single waking moment you fantasied about ending your life but the few hours you did manage to sleep you'd see your mother’s beautiful face and hear Sasha's loud laugh and you’d wake up alone in the dark, holding your chest, barely supressing your tears.

But you knew you had to keep the promises you made to your mother and Sasha, because they would’ve done the same for you. School and extra circular clubs kept you busy during the days, and you hadn’t slept full 8 hours since your mums passing so you started spending time online, scrolling through social media. Eventually you became friends with a boy called Eren. You both hit it off well and you found it easy to tell him about things. He often made you laugh and for a few blissful minutes you could pretend everything was the way it used to be. The conversations were hardly serious, and you both avoided anything personal. You both had similar cultural and religious backgrounds and shared similar interests, so you kept the topics of discussions as generic as possible.

Talking about school one day, you both realised you would be starting the same University in Autumn. You felt nervous and excited at the thought of meeting him in person and getting to know him on a closer level. It was a bittersweet moment, you and Sasha had planned and worked so hard for years and were going to do so many things but now she was gone forever and there was no meeting her in this life again. Pressing a kiss against the cool headstone, you close your eyes and swear to her you will never waste time or take anything granted and will live life to the fullest in her memory. 

-

"You're in the way. Move."

You look up in the direction the voice came from. People are pushing all around you, in a hurry to get to their class.

You stand straight, stacking the books you dropped. There's a boy staring at you.

"Politeness goes a long way."

"That's not the expression."

"My point stands."

He sighs and rolls his eyes. "Could you please move."

You smirk in triumph. He glares back at you.

You turn around, getting ready to brisk walk to the class you were now very late for. 

The boy is walking behind you.

"I'm not following you."

You look back, meeting his eyes. "I didn't think you were."

"Ok well, I'm just letting you know."

You give a nod and hurry to the first lecture of the new term.

-

The lecture room is loud and overpacked. Fresh first year students sitting on the seats and steps, waiting for the professor who still hadn't arrived though class had started 20 minutes ago. 

You look around, nervous and anxious. You wanted nothing more to turn around and take the bus to the train station, wait 45 minutes for the next train and sit for another 2 hours until you finally reached home. 

Granted, it wasn't an easy, cheap and fast journey but it was much better than being crammed in a room full of people you didn't know. 

You missed Sasha more than ever. By now she would've befriended at least 10 people, even the rude boy who was definitely not following you. 

You look around and seeing an empty seat, you walk towards it but before you get to it someone practically throws themselves at the chair. You cuss under your breath and look at the seat stealer.

It was the same boy. 

"Are you kidding me?"

He looks at you and seeing your annoyed expression he smiles and gives you a wink. 

"Better luck next time sunshine."

"You are following me."

He frowns, "Don't be weird, we're in the same class.

You give him another look. "You saw me walking to the seat, why'd you do that dick move."

He shrugs. "Why not."

Today was not your day. 30 minutes had passed and there was still no sign of the professor and with your steal being stolen by the asshole, you leave the lecture room.

Maybe tomorrow would be a better day. At least the campus was beautiful, it made everything slightly more bearable. You hoped soon enough you’d make friends and together you’d enjoy the scenery.

-

After successfully attending the other 2 classed you had scheduled for the day, you head towards the campus café for a well-deserved pastry. 

The warm café was a relief from the harsh winds bellowing outside. You walk up to the counter to order the same drink and pastry you always got; you weren’t a fan of trying new food.

“Hi, are you ready to order?”

You fix a polite smile and open your mouth to order when you see who was standing.

“This has GOT to be a joke.”

He looks back in equal disbelief.

You look for a name tag, something to identify this boy for crying out loud it was your third interaction with him in one day.

He narrows his eyes.

“Are you following me?”

You huff out a laugh. He doesn’t change his expression of suspicion.

“I could ask you the same.”

He leans forward, his hands pressing down on the counter.

Jean.

His name is Jean.

Fucking Jean.

He is handsome. Very handsome. You notice the length of his hair and what a beautiful colour it is. Light brown with hints of black. Maybe he had dyed his hair at some point. The locks look so soft and silky, and you want nothing more but to touch it.

He was saying something, but you were so distracted.

He waves his hand in front of your face. “Very rude to ignore someone.”

You snap out of it and look at him with a confused expression.

“I work here, if I was following you, I wouldn’t be on my shift right now, would I?” he questions.

“Fair enough,” you reply your cheeks blushing pink.

You scan the menu one more time which was a bit dumb considering you already knew what you wanted.

He’s still looking at you. He steps back, tightening his apron.

“Could I get a pain au raisin and a small latte please.”

“No.”

“What?”

“I said £5 please.”

You pay and step to the side making room for the next customer.  

He reaches for a cup, marker in the other hand.

“Name?”

“Y/N.”

He pauses and looks at you. “Nice name,” he says.

Muttering a thanks with an awkward smile, you look for an empty table.

-

It was late and you were tired after the hectic day you had and wanted nothing more to be in your bed.

Lost in your thoughts and music, you walk towards the bike racks.

After 5 minutes of trying to unlock the bike lock you notice you had a flat tyre. You groan and kick your bike for added measure.

Fucking luck you were confident no one else had this much bad luck. You carried enough for a family of 10.

You swear for what felt like the millionth time and you smile to yourself remembering how your mother would reprimand you every time you swore and now you were cussing like a sailor.

“Damn.”

“No. Stop following me.”

“I told you I’m not following you.”

You turn to face him.

Jean. Handsome Jean.

“Jean, was it?”

“Yeah.”

“I want to very much direct my anger towards you so please stop talking to me.”

He was crouching on the ground, fidgeting with the bike lock.

“You can do that if that makes you feel better.”

You rub at your forehead; you could feel a headache coming. “Well nice talking to you today”, fixing your jacket, you make a move to leave.

“Y/N wait”.

You look back expectantly. He wasn’t meeting your enquiring gaze.

He pushes his bike opting to walk instead of riding. “Are you okay with walking home in the dark alone?”

You were taken aback with this question. It had been so long someone had expressed any concern and you swallow the sudden, painful lump stuck in your throat.

You look at him quietly not saying anything.

“I’m not a creep I swear.”

You give him a gentle smile and tell him “I should be okay.”

Reaching for your bag you pull out the pepper spray. “I done taekwondo for a few years”, you say mischievously.

He returns the grin with an equally devilish one. “Please don’t hurt me”, he playfully begs.

-

You both walk towards the student accommodation, realising you lived in the same building.

“Are you from this area?” you ask him.

He spits the gum he was chewing. “Nah I’m from Paradis.”

You grimace and shove him. “That was disgusting Jean.”

He looks at you and shoves back with equal force. “Don’t say my name like that and don’t pretend you’ve never done that.”

Rolling your eyes, you admit.

You weren’t one for small talk but talking to Jean was fun and he cracked jokes making you smile until your cheeks hurt. It was your first time you got so close to someone so quickly. You couldn’t wait to tell Sasha you walked home with a guy. Yes, it wasn’t a date, and he was simply looking out for you, but that fact didn’t dampen your excitement. Your mother on the other hand would not be happy with this information. It was very risky and silly to be walking alone in the dark with someone you had just met but for some reason you felt safe and wasn’t worried about him attacking you. He was tall and lean, but you weren’t small yourself. The only good thing your father had done was pass down the height. Everyone would always be amazed at your height, and they were never short of compliments. You had the pepper spray, the strength and the self-defence training. Sasha would often encourage you to do modelling, but you didn’t feel comfortable, and you knew you didn’t have the motivation and dedication that was required in that line of work.

Finally reaching the building, you thank Jean after exchanging numbers. What started off a bad day ended on a good night with a new friend made.

-

Chapter Text

Eyes still closed; you look for the alarm which would not turn off. You try opening your eyes to look at the time, but the sun’s light was so bright you pull the duvet cover over your head. It was 8.50 and class was in 10 minutes. You groan and roll out of bed, landing straight for the floor still wrapped up in your sheets like a burrito.

You lay there contemplating missing class. It was still cold out and washing up in the freezing bathroom with barely any running hot water was not your idea of fun. As much as you didn’t want to leave your warm room, you stoop up yawning and stretching your arms. Jean would have your head if you missed today especially since you promised to help him with an assignment which was due in a few days. University was going okay, and you were enjoying it with your new friends but the 9am classes and helping Jean at the ass crack of dawn was not okay.  

After brushing your teeth and washing your face, you stare at the mirror for a few moments. Sometimes you had to pinch yourself because you couldn’t believe this was your life now. A new city, new home albeit temporary, new friends and a new life. The guilt never went, with every smile and conversation it was beating at your heart and mind. How could you enjoy the sun, the classes, the friends, the books, the food and everything else when Sasha and your mother were so deep in the ground, dark and alone. It was a dark thought but a constant one. You’re still looking at your reflection, deep in your thoughts which way were too depressing for 9 in the morning. You sigh and wipe your face, heading to the closet to pick out a basic outfit.

You decide to wear a long black dress, layering it up with a sweatshirt and headscarf. Initially you decided to skip on the makeup, but hey, you were late, and a little makeup wouldn’t hurt anyone. You do your basic routine of concealer, mascara, kohl, blush and Vaseline. You look for your coat and bag which you threw in some corner after class yesterday. You rush out the door, your shoelaces still untied but now you were so late, and Jean was bombarding your phone with messages you wait until you unlock your bike lock to shove them into your shoes.

-

“Coffee.”

You look up to see Mikasa holding two cups of latte.

Giving her a grateful smile, you take a cup from her hands. “Thanks.”

She pulls out a chair and sits opposite you. You were editing Jeans atrocious essay which you knew had you not helped he would’ve been failed straight away.

“I hate coffee,” Mikasa says, frowning at the cup.

You close your laptop, needing a break after all the marking you had to do.  You weren’t a massive fan of coffee yourself, but it gave you much more energy than tea and energy drinks and as Sasha used to say, it was also a great laxative. She never drank coffee if there wasn’t a toilet within a 2-minute walking distance.

She takes another sip. “It stains your teeth and leaves you with bad breath.”

You laugh and swirl the cup in one hand. “One cup is understandable, but I don’t know how people can easily down 5 cups a day.”

She throws the cup in the trash and motions at you to get up.

You shove your laptop in the bag and drape your coat over your arm, it was too warm inside the building. By the time you had caught up to Mikasa you were out of breath. Either you were unfit, you walked too slow or was she too fast. Or maybe it was all those 3 things, you hadn’t worked out in a long time.

“So where are we going?” you ask her.

She looks at you and sighs. “Connie and Jean are planning something and asked me to get you.”

“That’s weird, they could’ve texted.”

“They said they texted and called, and you weren’t picking up.” You pat your pockets, suddenly remembering you had left your phone on your bed forgetting about it in your rush to get out of the house.

You groan. “Fuck I forgot it at my place. Jean wouldn’t stop spam messaging me, so I put it on silence and threw it on my bed and I woke up late and just forgot about it.”

Mikasa narrows her eyes and gives you an odd look.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” you question, a tiny bit intimidated from the glares she was sending your way.

“Nothing,” she huffs.

Mikasa was speed walking at this point, and you were struggling to walk and talk. ‘I seriously need to work out.’ “Mikasa wait!” you call after her.

She slowed down and waited for you to catch up.

“I don’t know what you’re thinking but he only messaged because he needed help with an essay for a class,” you wheeze out, dabbing at the sweat on your forehead.

She doesn’t give you a reply and continues walking. You don’t say anything and continue to walk with her. You liked Mikasa but by nature she was a serious person who didn’t talk much. You had heard some girls calling her a bitch in class once and wanted to defend her, but you understood where they were coming for. Mikasa had what some would say a ‘resting bitch face’, and you knew how it felt like people assuming what you were like as a person and saying all sorts of things about you. Sasha was the smiley, open, extroverted, friendly girl who was often seen laughing and being loud. You in return, just like Mikasa, was shy, introverted, quiet and unless someone approached you first you rarely started the conversation. It had been your luck Jean was confident and could talk to anyone and everyone. Maybe this was Sasha looking out for you by sending a person like her your way to be friends.

-

“Y/N!”

Connie and Jean were yelling your name, waving at you.

Lost in your thoughts you hadn’t made note of where Mikasa had brought you. The university campus was more beautiful than you thought. There was a lake, one side surrounded by high rise apartments the other where everyone sat on a bench by trees. It was near dusk; the streetlights were on as were the fairy lights wrapped all over the railings. It was stunning and romantic, straight out of a movie set.

You walked to the bench, sitting next to Annie who gave you a wave of acknowledgment.

“How did you guys find this place? Its stunning,” you ask. Connie points to Jean. “This loser found it.” Jean shoves him. “My friend told me about it,” he explains.

You nod and gaze at the lake, feeling relaxed. “I could have a cig right now, it fits the mood,” you say to the group. You didn’t usually smoke, your lungs didn’t like them, but you did have one or two when the craving was strong. Mikasa passes you one, you thank her and put it in your mouth. She leans forward and lights the cigarette, her other hand covering the end with the other as to block the fire from going out.

Annie lights her own cigarette, passing the lighter to Connie. “I didn’t take you to be a smoker.” You shrug and button your coat. “Sometimes.” She nods and gets back to the book she was reading.

Jean comes to sit next to you. You look at him and offer him the half-smoked cigarette. “Nah I have asthma,” he says shaking his head.

“Pussy.”

“Shut your mouth Mikasa.”

You wince and look at Connie who shrugs in reply. “Nothing happened,” Jean cuts you off sensing what you were going to ask. “Lover’s tiff,” Connie teases, peeling an orange. Annie looks up, scrunching her nose. “What is that disgusting smell?” Connie throws a peel at her face. “Fruit Annie, you should try It someday, way more nutritious than the energy drinks and fags.” She throws the peel and her book at him. Connie laughs and shows her the middle finger.

You look at Mikasa who was on her phone and back at Jean who looked forlorn. “Chin up, I’m sure you can clean up the absolute fuckery of a mess you made”, you encourage.

Before Jean could reply, Connie barrels himself at you pushing all three of you to the ground. You rub at your elbow which was hurting even through the layers of clothes you had on. “What the fuck Connie?” Jean complains, brushing leaves off his jacket and jeans. Connie offers a hand, but you ignore him choosing to get up yourself.

Annie calls Connie a dick and leaves saying she had plans to meet Armin who was still at work. You walk to the rails and stare out towards the lake.

“What are you thinking about?” It was Connie.

He gives you a sheepish smile, pointing to Jean who was talking to a stony faced Mikasa.

You sigh and crack your fingers.

“I’m sorry don’t hurt me,” Connie begs with a slightly scared expression. He knew about the taekwondo lessons. You laugh and walk along the river. “I’m not going to hurt you silly.” He offers a piece of the orange that cost him a book to the face. You shake your head and make a bubble out of the gum you were now chewing. Smoking was fun but the aftertaste was horrid.

“I don’t understand why he doesn’t ask her out, he knows she likes him,” Connie ponders.

You were shocked. Mikasa showed no signs she was even remotely interested Jean who was obviously infatuated with her. You were more like her than you thought, you hid emotions just as well as she did. Sasha used to say you wore your heart on your sleeve and from one look she knew what you were feeling but since then you had done a 180 and avoided showing and sharing anything personal with everyone, sticking to pleasantries.

-

It was dark and freezing and you were tired and wanted nothing more to go home. Connie was talking a mile a minute talking about anything and everything. You appreciated the fact he didn’t expect a reply to everything and was okay with the occasional “mmh”.

No one had talked about going home and you didn’t want to interrupt Jean and Mikasa from their conversation, Mikasa looked less angry, and you didn’t want to give her a reason to be mad at you. Connie was sitting next to you, his head on the table attempting to sleep. You were bored and with no phone to keep you company you would tug on his ear or give lightly slap him on the back of his neck. When he’d look up in confusion, you’d quickly go back to pretending you were reading the book Annie had left.

“Asshole you aren’t even holding the book the right way.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He pulls the book out of your hand and whacks you in the arm and just as you’re about to push him in retaliation you hear voices.

“Hey guys.”

Jean walks to Armin, fist bumping him. You wave a hello and give Annie her book back.

Mikasa stands up and walks over to Connie, her red scarf tightly wrapped around her neck. It was freezing and you lock arms with Annie to keep warm. “Why aren’t you letting us go home?” she asks Connie who looked excited.

“My nipples are about to fall off hurry up Springer,” Annie calls out.

Connie wrinkles his nose and points to Armin. “Tell your girl no one wants to know about her nipples.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you, Annie.”

You look at Jean who was laughing at their exchange. “Do they always fight this much?” you ask him.

His nose was red from the wind and his hair messy. He looked adorable but you kept that thought to yourself, Mikasa would probably strangle you with her scarf.

He smiles and runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, they don’t know when to stop.”

Armin looks expectantly at Connie. “So?”

“So what?”

“Tell us before I drown you in that river,” Annie threatens.

“Drum roll?”

“I will beat you like a drum Connie,” Jean says throwing a pebble at him.

Connie looks at everyone, holding his breath.

“For the love of God.”

“EREN IS BACK!”

Eren? Your Eren? The Eren who was probably waiting for a reply? You shook your head. It couldn’t be that Eren. It wasn’t that Eren. It was a popular name, and you didn’t even know how he looked like and hadn’t even heard his voice. But he did say he was going to the same university. No, it wasn’t him. You remembered him telling you he had changed his mind and found another suitable school. 

The group were all grumbling and threatening Connie but you were feeling lightheaded. 

“That’s what you wanted to say?”

“You made us wait for ages in this weather to tell us fucking Eren was back?”

“We have a group chat for a reason, why didn’t you just say it there?”

Annie and Mikasa were threatening him again and Armin was trying to hold back Jean from punching Connie.

“You guys have a group chat?” you ask, your voice quiet.

They all look at each other, embarrassed and guilty. Annie pushes Jean who in return pushes Connie to say something. Armin, the groups voice speaks up, his voice apologetic. “It’s not like that Y/N, the group chat isn’t active, and I honestly forgot we even had it.”

You shake your head and give a tight-lipped smile. “I’m sorry for making you all uncomfortable, I only started hanging out with you all a few weeks when you’ve known each other for months. You don’t own me an explanation.”

Your ears and face were red from embarrassment, and you wanted to immediately leave and maybe not show your face for the next 2 years.

“No Y/N don’t apologise, that was shitty of us,” Jean starts his eyes soft.

Annie who wasn’t one for affection squeezed your hand.

You were still a bit hurt, but it was understandable, so you shook it off. They weren’t shitty, mean friends and even if they were it was better than being alone.

Connie suddenly groans and tightens his hoodie strings, the silence thankfully filled.  

“What?” Mikasa questions, her face bored.

“I was supposed to tell everyone together, but Ymir and Historia aren’t here,” he kicks the dirt, annoyed. Armin looks at Jean, smirking. “Tell Historia Eren was back?” “In front of Ymir?” Mikasa asks, a lot less bored. You were confused at their sudden excitement, even Annie who rarely reacted to anything was perking up. “Yikes, I can’t miss that scene”, she says laughing.

You had only met Historia and Ymir a few times and while you liked them, you knew nothing about their personal lives. “Why are you guys so excited about this?” Connie pulls at your scarf, and you slap his hand. “Oh, little bird, you’ll know once you meet Eren.”

“Connie you’re about 2 inches taller than me, even the 2 is pushing it,” you taunt flicking him on the forehead. Jean laughs and puts his arm around Mikasa, who promptly pushes it off. It was weird you hadn’t noticed the little smile Mikasa had on her face whenever Jean got too close or how she’d look away, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. You thought yourself to be a great observer but clearly not.

Connie stands up, yawning and stretching. “I’m going home now and make sure no one tells the girls, I want it to be a surprise.”

Annie was already walking away with Armin by her side when she turns and flips him off. “Springer you planned this surprise and didn’t even do it right, don’t tell us to keep secrets for you.”

“PLEASE!”

You shake your head and walk back to campus to get your bike. Knowing absolutely nothing about what went down you were looking forward to see their reaction and seeing this Eren who was not online Eren.

-