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“When I was kid I used to go to the school therapist, you know? My mum said it would be good for me after everything with my dad and the fights. She just wanted an excuse to leave me at school for a little more time, though. But anyways, I enjoyed it. She was very nice to me, probably the only person in that school that didn’t suck.” he glanced towards her, his eyes barely leaving the dark sky above them. “It felt good, at first. I could always talk to her about my dad, my mum, my insecurities or maybe just about a good day. No one really cared about that before. I mean, my mum used to listen but she never actually listened , if you know what I mean.”
“Tell me all about it.” she said bitterly, but with a tint of undeniable pain in her tone.
“She was my safe place in the world at that moment. It’s actually really funny how many of them I used to have, and now I don’t anymore.”
“What happened?” she asked softly, still staring at the small stars.
“She told me something I didn’t want to hear.” he answered shortly, but his voice was different now, quieter. “I used to always clean my apartment before my mum came from work, you know? I always tried to have everything in place; wash the dishes, fold my clothes, cook dinner, buy the groceries. I used to buy this frozen muzzarella pizza for her - even if I hated it - and wait for her with her favourite movies on. Sometimes she would show up, sometimes not. So I tried harder; I would only talk of my dad if she asked me, I would try to get the best grades I could, suck it up when kids would bother me at school or just learn to cook her favourite cake.”
Tory looked at him fully now, but he was just too focused on the sky. His eyes were shining like the same stars, but this time not because of how beautiful they were.
“With my dad I used to play Metallica, the Guns or any other band he liked all the time. I would play Iron Eagle every Friday night to remember all the scenes and talk to him about it, tell him to buy the greasiest fries he could find or take me to karate competitions. I tried everything I could to spend time with him - even when I didn’t like any of those things - but it was never enough. He didn’t show up for most of them, so I gave up.” he said it like it was not a big deal, when in reality his voice got troubled. “When I realized I was not the only one who gave up, I stopped caring. I didn’t want to do all those things anymore, I wanted to make them angry. I wanted to...to make them know I was still here . I dropped out of school, I started selling molly to pay for rent, I hung out with those assholes but they still never cared enough. I hated myself for all of that, but I swallowed it down for them but they didn’t.”
For a moment Tory thought about the big bags under his eyes. Maybe they weren’t just there because of how poorly he slept.
“And with the LaRusso’s...god, I tried to be so perfect with them. I tried to be smart, funny and attentive all the time. I listened to Mr.LaRusso at every word he would say, do everything he wanted me to do. Practice kata, go to school, do my chores, chop the bonsais, be good, hold my anger, always be okay. Being mad wouldn’t solve anything, right? I always had to look for the good answer in everything.” he snorted, but there was nothing funny about the tears in his eyes. “It wasn’t enough either.”
That’s how a broken heart looks like, Tory thought sadly while watching the unintentional movement of his hand over his chest .
“You know what the therapist said to me the day I left?” he asked very gently after a few seconds of pure silence. He turned his head towards her, his eyes just as broken as his heart. “She told me that I tried so hard to be perfect for the people in my life that I forgot to do it for me and so...I became someone I was not. She said it was like a copy mechanism, that my head thought that if I tried to be what my parents wanted me to be, then they wouldn’t leave. I hated her so much for that and I have spent years thinking that it wasn’t true. But in the end it was.”
At least I’m not trying to be something I’m not.
“I hate frozen pizza, I hate greasy food, I hate heavy bands, I hate drugs, I hate cooking, I hate not being able to talk with my mum about my dad, I hate not going to school, I hate being angry all the time but I hate not being allowed to be angry even more. I hate having to smile even when I just want everyone to stop talking to me for a second, I hate being happy all the time and I hate to pretend I’m okay, all that - all that fucking bullshit - it’s everything I have been in my life. Everything I have been for someone else .”
“Robby…”
“I have spent so much time trying to be someone I’m not that I have no idea who I am anymore. ” he admitted, staring brokenly at the sky like he couldn’t believe his own words. “I spent all my life creating someone perfect to make my parents love me, for the people I love to stay and don’t leave but it was all fake. It was all fucking fake and now I don’t have any idea of who I’m suppoused to be, who I want to be.”
He was crying very gently now, but no sound came out of him. He kept staring at the beautiful night sky above them while tears slipped slowly down his cheeks.
“You are kind.”
Robby looked at her strangely, barely ashamed of crying. “What?”
“You are kind, and thoughtful, and brave and smart. But you are also impulsive sometimes, cocky but barely.`` She smiled a little at that. “You never lie, but if you do you always end up figuring out it’s wrong and you tell the truth. You learn fast, but you like to take your time to perfectionate what you have learned. You like skateboarding, even if it’s obviously not your passion. You love sports, and musicals and math. You like to read when you are stressed, and you love to swim after a big day of training. And you don’t like sour gummies, you prefer the sweet ones better.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s who you are when no one is looking.” she admitted softly while looking at the stars in his eyes. “You don’t smile much, but sometimes you do to yourself when no one is watching because you probably remembered something funny. That’s the person I see when you don’t care about the world around you, when it’s just the two of us. That’s not even half of what you are, but that’s okay. You don’t have to show me all of you, no one lets everyone see everything they are. Don’t let the cheesy movies trick you, everyone has a part of themselves reserved for them and no one else.”
“I don’t know what that part is.” he said softly.
“Or maybe you didn’t want to see it.” she grabbed his hand and stared again at the stars. “Fuck everyone who made you feel like you had to change to be worth something, okay? You are amazing. You are soft like a baby’s butt and grumpy and sometimes really quiet but you are amazing. You are a great friend, too. And for that you have to know none of us know who the hell we are, I have no idea who I am. But we will figure it out, okay? And this time there is no place for people who only care about what they want us to be. If they want us in their lives, they have to see us for what we really are. If they don’t like it, they leave. But we can’t change for them, if we do it it has to be for ourselves. We are worth it.”
“You think we can do it alone?”
“We are not alone. You have me and I have you. And you are more than enough, Robby.”
This time, Robby looked at her like the stars were in her eyes.