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Stanley had turned thirteen the day before. Tonight, he and Five were alone wandering in the streets, and it was going to be a nightmare.

Diego and Lila shouldn’t have left Five to babysit this stupid guy. At least that’s what Five thought.
‘’Five! Do you want to go to Trish Waters’ party? I heard it’s going to be crazy!’’ Stanley gushed. Maybe he could poke some fun into his grumpy uncle.

‘’Crazy means your ear leaks. Nobody there knows me, no thanks. Will you stop suggesting crazy shit?’’

‘’Why not? You only turn thirteen once.’’

Five gritted his teeth. ‘’I’m living proof that that’s not true.’’

Stanley sighed and patted his back, in an almost comforting way. ‘’Come on man, it’s my birthday! Quit being such a grumpy douchebag! You talk like your sixty!’’
‘’HOW DARE YOU ROUND UP MY AGE, STAN?’’

Stanley didn’t know whether to burst out laughing or give this poor kid a hug. Teasing him was a fun hobby he never talked much about. ‘’Loosen up, old guy. Let’s go somewhere you want to go to, and when we get there we do something I want. Do we have a deal?’’

‘’Ugh. Fine..’’ Five thought about it. ‘’The coffee shop. I need more coffee. Let’s go.’’

‘’The coffee shop? Seriously? Snooooooze. This has to be the most boring place, and I’ve been to my Aunt Glinda’s funeral. She’s the Handler’s adopted sister. Mummy hates them both, so she made me plug off Aunt Glinda’s life support. It was tragic.’’

Five had already stopped listening. ‘’Just come along, kid.’’

It was late at night, and they both realized that to any stranger, they looked like two thirteen year olds with no parental supervision.
‘’Would we get called on by cops or something?’’

Five sighed. ‘’I don’t think so, just say I’m your.. guardian. Because technically, I am babysitting for free. Call me your uncle.’’

‘’I know we’re technically not blood related, but-’’
‘’UGH! Just say whatever. Whatever you do, Stanley Pitts-Hargreeves, just do NOT. Call. Me. Your. Cousin. Got it?’’

The barista guy whizzed out of a room and walked up to the boys. ‘’Who are you kids?’’
‘’This is my boyfriend,’’Stanley blurted out, before he could stop himself. He quickly put an arm around Five, hoping to pull it off. ‘’We met in a place like this, without parents. We’re responsible people.’’

The barista guy laughed scornfully. ‘’You? No parents? Are you nuts or do you think I’m STUPID?’’
‘’Our parents died,’’Stanley fibbed. ‘’We actually had the same parents. This guy’s my adopted brother but we didn’t really talk much, and one day I was like, hey! He’s cute! Totally not the weird crush-on-your-sibling like with my Uncle Luther and Aunt Allison. That was weird. We’re not like that. I haven’t met him until a few months ago before I was smitten by his-’’

The barista was so bored that he shook his head and muttered,’’fine. Whatever. What do you two want?’’
‘’Coffee. Black.’’ Five said.

As the barista walked away, Five whisper-shouted,’’Stan! What the fuck was that?’’
‘’Well you said not to call you my cousin! Cheer the fuck up!’’
‘’Stan! Language!’’

Stanley glared at him. ‘’But you drop the f-bomb all the time.’’
‘’Yes, because I’m older than you,’’Five said, emphasizing ‘older.’ They both looked away from one another in disgust. But they were secretly loving that night.
Out of nothing to do, Stanley pulled out ointment from his backpack. ‘’For my ear.’’
‘’I don’t care.’’
‘’I bought a whoopie cushion in my backpack.’’
‘’So?’’

Stanley suddenly grabbed Five’s hand. ‘’Come on! Let’s put the cushion on that old man’s seat!’’
Five muttered curses under his breath as Stanley excitedly dragged him to a nearby table.

‘’The old guy here went to the bathroom! He has a poor eyesight, and the whoopie cushion’s blue like the chair! Oh, he’ll fall for it!’’ Stanley’s voice was so giddy with anticipation as he placed the whoopie cushion on the chair.
‘’You are crazy. That’s mean!’’

‘’Says the guy who killed my mother’s birth parents..’’Stanley muttered under his breath. ‘’Look, Five, you get to relive your childhood. Your juicy teenage years that were stolen from you! You missed these parts last time because you were in an apocalypse!’’
‘’Wow, how did you know all that information?’’Five asked sarcastically.

‘’This is your chance to feel like a kid again. It’s like your life is getting a do-over! I mean, come to think of it, if you’ve been fifty plus but you’re thirteen again, doesn’t that mean your consciousness will have a longer lifespan than the average human being?’’Stanley asked.

‘’Your lifespan will be cut short if you don’t shut up,’’Five retorted.
But the old guy (he sure had poor eyesight, poor man) came out of the bathroom, and the two of them ran to their seats by the coffee bar.
He sat on it, unsuspecting, and a sound louder than what both boys expected filled up the room. The whole shop turned to the guy, looking very red in the face.
Five and Stan burst out laughing, arms reaching out to one another in laughter.

‘’See? It wasn’t too bad..’’Stan said, gasping for breath.
‘’Later on we should put this dead spider in his water!’’ Five picked up a dead spider, dangling in his hands.
‘’Eww! Where’d you get that?’’

‘’I killed it with my shoe!’’ They burst out laughing again. That night was a crazy, unforgettable one. The duo toilet papered random people’s houses, sneaking in with Five’s powers and Stanley’s mischievousness.

They ended the night back at Hotel Oblivion, exhausted and ready to pass out on the couch. They stared at each other quietly, panting. They had finished running away from a crazy woman who threatened to press charges for them toilet papering her house.

‘’You know, you're really fun when you loosen your tie up a bit, Five..’’ Stanley said. Five had given him a bottle of wine, and he wasn’t sure if he liked it, but he was satisfied. A part of him became full.

‘’I didn’t know that part of me exists, honestly.’’ Five’s voice became eerily quiet. He had once done something like this when he was a kid- like, really a kid. Mind and body. ‘’You know, Stan, when your father and I were younger, we did stuff like that. Doing it with you just feels so nostalgic. And with all the apocalypse thing going on, it feels like maybe everything that happened in my life was for a reason. For the universe to give me a happier life, because I wouldn’t have a good childhood the first time I turned thirteen.’’

He turned to Stanley, who was unconscious on his bed. He watched him for a moment.

‘’When I was calling for help in the apocalypse, all alone at thirteen..nobody came and I thought that was how I was going to die. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. I should’ve been going to parties, being all carefree,’’Five went on. ‘’It’s going to be hard for me to get into that headspace again, but I want to. I got a lot of time to be reckless. Like you said, it’s like a do-over for me.’’

He shifted. ‘’Stan, will you help me with it? My life’s do-over?’’
Stanley muttered something that sounded like a ‘yes’ in his sleep. That’s when Diego and Lila came into the room, staring at their snoozing thirteen year old son in disbelief.

Diego grabbed Five’s shirt, surprised by how less tight his tie was.
‘’FIVE! Did you make my SON drunk?’’ Diego yelled, craze firing in his eyes. He shook his head in disbelief, shaggy hair covering his face. ‘’Five, he’s a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BOY.’’

‘’Well he was begging for it! What was I supposed to do?’’ Five threw his arms in the air, ‘’We had a lot of fun tonight, Diego! He’s a boy, let him live his life, for goodness’ sake!’’

Diego and Lila stared at him in disbelief. Was this the same Five they knew, or was he drunk, too?

Author’s Note:
That’s the end of this first one-shot, please leave a kudo/comment if you enjoyed and want more one-shots! I have another of Diego and Lila’s relationship with a similar vibe to this fanfic, up on my profile.
Thank you for reading, and please stay safe!