Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"It's SG-1's IDC, sir."

"What?" Landry looked at his watch. "They've been gone less than thirty minutes. Open the iris."

Teal'c came through the gate carrying Colonel Carter, who was moaning. Daniel was holding her feet and Cameron was keeping her hands over her head. "We need a med team, now!"

A team raced in with a gurney. Teal'c laid her down. As soon as Daniel and Cameron let go Sam began scratching her arms and legs.

"She's been bitten by insects. She's covered in bites and can't stop scratching them." The med team raced her to the infirmary while the rest of her team watched the metal door slide shut.

"What happened out there?" General Landry looked from his right to his left, settling on Colonel Mitchell.

"We were less than a click from the gate when we encountered tall mounds. We didn't know what was in them until they swarmed us. They bit each of a couple times but then they all focused on Sam. She was covered in them from head to toe and they were biting her." Cameron looked down at the floor. "She was screaming in agony so I zatted her."

Teal'c straightened his shoulders. "It was the appropriate action. The energy discharge stopped the insects."

"He's right Cam." Daniel reached over and grasped Cameron's shoulder. "We got as many bugs off of her as we could before Teal'c picked her up and headed back to the gate. As she came to, she started crying and scratching at the bites. The bites started bleeding, but she couldn't stop scratching, so we had to restrain her."

"Is there a chance that any of these bugs came through with you?"

All of their eyes instinctively began surveying their bodies. "It's possible, sir."

"I want all of you confined to an isolation room until we're sure you're clean." It took over an hour for them to be deemed clean. Vala was the only one who took any pleasure in the invasive search. It was still another hour before Sam was allowed visitors. Daniel stepped in first, followed closely by Teal'c. She was covered in bandages and moaning quietly.

"She was in a great deal of pain, so we sedated her."

"But she'll be ok?" Daniel's hand hovered over her because he wasn't sure where he could touch her.

"I don't know yet."

Teal'c took the first watch and Cameron followed him. Daniel was sitting with her the next morning when Jack called. Daniel opened the video chat.

"Hey, Jack."

"How is she?"

"Still sedated."

"Can I see her?"

"Sure." Daniel clicked the button and flipped the camera. Daniel watched Jack's face as he saw her. He suddenly looked ten years older.

"Why in the hell is she restrained?"

"Even sedated she keeps trying to scratch the bites. They had to tie her arms and legs down to stop her. Even with the restraints she keeps using her fingernails to take the wrapping off her thumbs. She scratched them until they're raw and bleeding."

Jack's eyes focused on her hands and he could see the evidence of her self-abuse. "Shit. How much longer are they going to keep her under?"

"They've already backed off the sedation a little bit. She's moaning more than she was even an hour ago."

"She looks swollen."

"They counted over five hundred separate bites. There were seventy-seven bugs still attached to her and they found another fifty-eight in her clothing. She's having a reaction to the bites, making them all red and swollen. Even if she awakes soon, she might not be able to open her eyes because they're so swollen."

Jack was shaking his head. "Call me back when she wakes up."

"Will do."

Sam's moaning increased, and she was fighting the restraints, so they increased the sedation again to get her through the night. They reduced the meds again the next day. The swelling on her face had noticeably decreased and she was moaning less. Daniel and Teal'c were with her as she started opening her eyes. She pulled against the restraints, desperate to scratch the bites. Even after Daniel explained what happened she was using her fingers to dig into her palm and scratch her thumbs until they bled.

Sam was allowed to leave the infirmary two days later, when the swelling had decreased to the point where she looked more like a teenager with bad acne than a balloon animal. The itching was tolerable but a long soak in her tub was still her top priority. Jack called to wish her a good night and he promised to come see her in a few days. She insisted she was fine and glad to be able to sleep in her own bed.

She had a bit of a headache when she woke the next morning. She took a couple Advil with her morning coffee and headed into her lab. The team was on light duty until she was cleared for gate travel again. She knew all the bites would have to be gone before that would happen.

"Sam, what are you doing?" Daniel leaned on her work bench.

"Editing an article I've been working on."

"It looks like you've been scratching your leg."

Sam looked down at her leg. "Dang it." There were small spots of blood on her pants. Sam's hand moved up to her temple and she rubbed.

"Headache?"

"A bit. I guess I've been looking at this screen for too long."

Daniel held up a folder. "Did you see the report about the bugs?"

She shook her head. "No, what did they find?"

"They aren't biological."

"What?" Sam took the folder from him and began reading. "I'll head to Bill's lab. Thanks."

Chapter Text

The mechanical bugs were all inert, not even a small signal of any type. Sam spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon examining them under a microscope and running tests on them. By the time Teal'c came to get her for dinner her head was splitting. She took a couple more Advil before joining him for dinner. Her curiosity couldn't trump the pounding in her head, so after dinner she reluctantly went home.

Her headache woke her up repeatedly and she quit trying to go back to sleep around 0400 and just went back to work. Daniel found her sitting in her lab with the lights out a little after nine.

"I brought you some coffee."

"With cinnamon swirl, thanks."

Daniel's eyes widened. "Yeah, how'd you know."

"What do you mean? You said it."

Daniel shook his head. "No, I didn't."

"I could have sworn I heard you say it. I guess my headache is making me a good guesser today."

"Maybe."

"You're probably right, I should go to the infirmary. I think I'll take the coffee with me though."

"Ummmm, ok." Daniel watched her walking away, wondering what had just happened.

As Sam sat in the infirmary waiting to be seen her mind buzzed with conversations, Nurse Elisse was talking about buying a new car, the medic was wondering if he had time for a second job as a paramedic, there was a report about a colonoscopy, and the doctor was worried about this month's budget report.

"Colonel Carter, what brings you in today?"

"I've had a headache for the last couple days."

"How bad is it right now?"

"Pretty bad and all the chatter in here hasn't help."

The doctor tilted her head to the side. "It's pretty quiet in here right now."

Sam grimaced. "You call this quiet? There have to be at least a dozen people talking all at once."

"There aren't even that many people in here." The doctor flipped through the chart. "Perhaps we need to do an MRI."

Twenty minutes later Sam was laying down, and the machine started whirring. As soon as the clicking started pain erupted in Sam's head and she screamed. The doctor shut down the machine and got Sam out. Blood was leaking from her left ear and she was crying.

"Colonel?"

"What…what happened?"

"I don't know, but we won't try that again." The doctor helped her up. "Let's try an x-ray instead."

"K." Sam was shaky and glad to get back to the main infirmary, so she could sit down. After an x-ray and ultrasound, the Doctor returned.

"It appears you have a piece of metal in your left temporal lobe, near the superior temporal gyrus."

"How? Where did it come from?"

"I was hoping you were going to be able to tell me that."

Sam grimaced, "I have no idea."

"Ok, I'm going to need to call in a neurosurgeon to get a consult. I'd like you to stay here for now."

"Of course you would." Sam laid back on the gurney. "Can I get something for my headache."

"Absolutely."

The longer Sam laid there the worse the voices got. People were worried their significant other was cheating on them, they were thinking about their sick kids and sick parents, they were planning their next vacation, they were thinking about meeting with their side piece while their partner was out of town, they were worried about getting life insurance, and much, much more. On top of all the voices Sam was hearing the data being shared between computer terminals. Not only was she getting snippets of emails, but gate diagnostics and medical reports were filling her brain. It was overwhelming.

-0-0-0-0-0-

Jack picked up his phone, seeing it was Landry on the line. "She's gone, Jack."

"Gone? What the hell does gone mean?"

"It means she left the mountain, and we don't know where she went. Dr. Jackson checked her home, but she wasn't there. Her car was parked there but her bike was gone. Her bike doesn't have GPS on it, so we haven't been able to track her."

"That thing in her head made her do it."

"Possibly, but we won't know for sure until we find her. We have a multi-state APB out for her and her bike."

-0-0-0-0-0-

She felt his approach well before she heard his truck. She felt bad for the worry emanating from him, but his concern decreased slightly when he saw her bike. She mentally monitored his progress as he walked through the cabin and then saw her through the window. She kept her eyes focused on the lake as he walked out.

"I'm sorry I worried you."

She didn't see his shrug, but she felt his attempt at levity. "I've been looking for an excuse to come up here."

"I couldn't stay there anymore. My head was going to explode with all those voices and data. This was the only place I could think of that was remote enough that I could escape some of it."

"Makes sense, I guess." He stood behind her looking out over the lake.

"Nineteen."

"Huh?"

"You were wondering how many regulations I'd broken. The answer is nineteen and the other answer is no, the thing in my head didn't make me do it."

"How can you be sure?"

She shrugged, "So far all it seems to do is collect information."

"Urgo influenced our behavior and we didn't know it."

"It's different and no, I can't explain how I know it's different. It just is." She turned to look over her shoulder and up at him. "I can't go back."

"Sam."

"No, Jack. Stop thinking about ways to convince me and there's no way you can force me."

"So, Daniel wasn't kidding when he said you could read minds?"

"No, he wasn't. This thing seems to take in data from minds and machines."

"Do you…"

"I don't know why."

"Ok, well…"

"I know you have to tell them you found me but find a way for me to stay here, please."

"You'll disappear if I don't, won't you?"

She nodded. "Yep."

Jack went back inside and called Landry. They spoke at length and finally decided that as long as Jack stayed in contact Sam could remain at the cabin. She would be required to speak with a doctor every day and submit a log so the researchers working on the bugs could use it for reference. She would also be given access to their research.

She came in when she knew he was off the phone and wasn't going to ask her to go back. She went straight to the kitchen and made a shopping list that she brought to him.

"I can't go with you. There are too many people in town."

"Alright." He looked at the list. It was enough food for three to four days and included many of his favorites.

"I'm sorry it creeps you out. I wish I could stop." She looked away from him. "No, I do want you here. One extra voice isn't too much and I'm glad it's your voice." He swallowed.

She looked up and reached out, cupping his face. "There's nothing in your head that will run me off." She saw Charlie playing in the backyard, a man with a bullet wound in his head, an armed nuke, a handgun in his hand pointed at his own head, Charlie laying in Jack's bedroom surrounded by blood. "Nothing."

He put the list in his pocket. "I'll be back soon." He squeezed her hand.

She helped him unload the bags when he returned, never having to ask where anything went. As soon as the bags were unloaded, she turned on the oven and started mixing the meatloaf ingredients. He watched as she put it in the oven, put a pot of water on the stove, and started peeling potatoes. The water was boiling by the time the potatoes were peeled and cut. She added a pot of green beans to the stove once the potatoes were cooking.

"That smells amazing."

She smiled. "I don't actually hate cooking, it just isn't something I usually chose to do because of time and not having anyone else to feed."

"I'm glad I can be your someone else, especially on meatloaf night."

"It's one of your favorites."

"Is that why you picked it?"

"I'm not sure. I like it too, but knowing you like it probably helped me decide."

She cleaned dishes and set the bar while she waited on the potatoes to boil. She used a hand mixer to mash them, adding plenty of butter and milk. Everything was ready when the meatloaf came out of the oven. Sam served it up before joining Jack at the bar.

"I'm glad you like it." Jack put his fork down and glanced over at her. "I'm sorry. I'll try to let you say it before I answer."

He grinned. "Thanks, and yes, it is delicious."

"You're welcome." Sam tasted her handiwork and agreed, it was delicious. They had plenty of leftovers, which she packaged and put in the refrigerator while he cleaned the dishes. They shared a comfortable silence. She could feel the contentment coming from him. He liked the domestic feel of it all.

Once the kitchen was clean, they settled on the sofa in front of the fire. She tucked her feet under herself and put her head on his shoulder. Images of her were running through his head, that blue dress which really did make her eyes sparkle even through her hatred of the situation, in her lab welding, swimming in the ocean when they spent a week off world waiting on the gate to be repaired, coming close to dying after Nirrti's machine, and through the force field that briefly kept them apart. She felt his admiration of her and his love. She choked back tears at the realization that the strength of her feelings wasn't one sided.

She wrapped her hand around his forearm, tilted her head, and kissed his jaw. He tensed as she felt his excitement. "Jack." His name was barely a whisper.

As he turned his head, she met his lips, capturing him in a kiss that he quickly deepened. He leaned her back until she was laying on the sofa and he was above her, kissing along her jaw and down her neck. Her hands went under the edge of his shirt, pulling it over his head. He lifted himself off her and looked down at her. She forced herself to not answer until he said it out loud.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." She pulled him back down and kissed him, hard and long. Having his feelings and thoughts mixed with her own sent her to heights she didn't know existed. The crackling of the fire seemed far away as she lost herself in their feelings. He was so focused on her that she was barely able to think of him, but he didn't seem to mind.

She was awoken by erotic dreams about herself, only realizing once she was awake that it was Jack's dreams that woke her. She couldn't help but be pleased that she enticed him, even in his sleep. She curled up against him, waking him by rubbing her hands through his chest hair and across his abdomen.

"Mmmmmmm."

"Your thoughts about me woke me up and I can't get back to sleep."

"Mmmmmm, lucky me." He let her have control and she took full advantage of knowing what he liked.

Chapter Text

He woke to the smell of coffee and sunlight streaming in through the window. He found her sitting at the bar facing the kitchen with a cup of coffee and his computer open in front of her.

"Whatcha doin?"

"I used your password, sorry."

He poured himself a cup of coffee. "You would've known whatever I read as soon as I read it. It's probably easier if you just tell it to me any way."

"The bugs they took off of me had one noticeable difference when compared to the bugs they found in my clothing, they were lighter."

"Lighter?"

"In weight, not color. They'd lost mass."

"Into you?"

"That is the presumption. Which means this thing in my head was deposited by the bugs. Each one of them put a bit of metal into me and it all traveled to my brain and coalesced."

"But why?"

"I have a guess, but I'm not sure I want you to pass it along, at least not yet."

He put his mug down and leaned across the bar towards her. "Why not?"

"I think it's collecting data."

"So?"

"That means data retrieval has to be an aspect of its design." She swallowed. "I don't know when or how, but somebody's going to want the information this thing's collecting." She shivered at his thoughts. "The pentagon would never let me stay here if they thought I was a potential security risk." She felt his resolve to keep her safe but also protect Earth's interests. She wasn't a fool, she knew he would protect Earth at all costs, even if that cost was her. "How about waffles?"

He grinned. "I suspect you already know the answer to that."

They went for a walk around the lake and through the woods after breakfast. They were miles from any other homes so the only voice in Sam's head was Jack's and a few animals. The animal thoughts were simple enough to process, so they were more of a hum than a nuisance. Their desire for food and mating wasn't that much different than Jack's thoughts, which made her giggle.

They spent the afternoon sitting on the dock fishing, even though they both knew the pond had few fish. The act of casting and reeling was relaxing, as was the feel of the sun on her face. She fell asleep for a little while and it was then, while her mind was least occupied with her own thoughts that she heard it. The coordinates became a mantra in her head that woke her.

She put it out of her mind as they headed back to the cabin and started dinner. Jack grilled steaks while she made salads and baked potatoes. She put chocolate chip cookies in the oven as they sat down to eat.

"The steaks turned out well."

His eyes lit up. "They did, didn't they."

She snorted, "You're actually surprised."

"Hey, that's so unfair."

She broke out into a laugh. "Sorry."

"I still say beer makes the best marinade."

"I know." She put her hand over his. "And I love that about you."

"Well," he squeezed her hand back, "it's a good thing to love."

The coordinates wouldn't leave her mind as they sat on the sofa enjoying the warm cookies. It just kept repeating, driving her a little mad.

"I think they'll come for me if I don't go back to them."

Multiple scenarios ran through his head, all of them grimmer than the last. "You know you can't go."

"If I did, I'd be considered a traitor for letting them have what's in my head and my IDC wouldn't be approved if I tried to return since I would have been held by an unknown power." Jack just sat there watching her process it. "So, my only option is to try to live with this in my head."

He ran his hand through her hair. "They'll figure out another option."

She starred into the fire. "Right." She didn't see the point of telling him he didn't believe what he was saying.

She slept fitfully, because of Jack's dreams and the coordinates stuck in her head. By 2 am she decided to give up trying. She paced the living room, trying to figure a way out of this. She was drinking coffee and sitting in front of his computer when he got up.

"Good morning. Did you sleep well?"

"Not really." She tapped her head. "Too much going on in here." He opened his mouth, but she beat him to it. "Don't worry, I'll take a nap later. You've been getting lots of emails. I think you're needed."

"You aren't getting rid of me that easily."

"I wasn't trying to. I meant you need to make a few calls and answer a bunch of emails."

"Oh. Goodie."

He spent the day fielding calls, only a few of which dealt with her. A couple senators were annoyed that Jack was out of town and not available to meet with them right now. The Prometheus needed major repairs to the guidance system and Jack had to find the funds. A project at 51 might have a major breakthrough with cloaking technology, even though it was still years away from being put into use.

His inattention gave her time to plan. The information coming into his computer gave her the ideas she needed to make a plan that might work. She baked a chicken and made macaroni and cheese and peas for dinner.

"If we stay here much longer, you're gonna make me fat."

"We could go for a run tomorrow." Agony combined with resolution went through his head. "Or not."

She waited until she knew he was in a deep sleep, it was a little before 1 am. She walked her bike to the end of the drive and a little way down the road before she started it. She hated leaving him, but he would have stopped her. She couldn't live like this and she didn't see another way.

Jack's first clue that something was wrong was the lack of coffee in the kitchen. It didn't take him long to discover the missing bike and call Daniel. He packed and was in the air less than an hour after getting up. He headed towards Cheyenne Mountain, because he didn't know where else to go. Daniel was waiting for him when he landed.

"She took an Alkesh."

"What?"

"She showed up at Area 51 this morning and took an Alkesh. She left the solar system."

"How in the hell can she just walk in and take an Alkesh!"

"It hasn't been that long since she was in charge of their off-world research. They didn't have any reason to question her."

"Damn it."

"Teal'c is going after her."

"Just Teal'c?"

"General Landry made the bug planet off limits after Sam was attacked by the bugs. Teal'c left for the Jaffa nation a few minutes ago and he's getting help there."

"I should have gone with him."

"You have things to do here."

"Like what!"

"Like find a way for her to be able to come back when Teal'c finds her."

Jack rubbed the back of his neck. "Damn it."

Sam headed for the nearest safe planet with a gate. She dialed the coordinates that had been in her head for days. She was worried because these coordinates weren't to a planet she recognized and she knew going through the gate to a world never checked by a M.A.L.P. was dangerous, but she didn't feel she had an option.

She watched the event horizon for a moment, afraid this might be the last time she ever saw it. She stepped through slowly, more tentatively than her first trip. The planet was like so many of the others she'd visited, lots of trees and three moons visible in the sky. She cautiously looked around but didn't see any signs of civilization near the gate. Another set of coordinates appeared in Sam's head as she looked around. Reluctantly she went to the DHD and dialed again. This time the planet had a gate near a camp of free Jaffa. They didn't impede Sam as she dialed yet another address. She made twenty eight gate jumps before she emerged into a lilac room with bright lights. A tall light-yellow skinned humanoid with three arms and legs was facing her.

She heard his greeting in her head and followed him as he requested. She was taken to a small room with a chair, where she was asked to sit. More of the aliens entered the room and Sam's head filled with their chatter. They wondered about her physical form and how she functioned with only two arms. They scanned her and commented on the imperfections of her hip shape, which left her imbalanced compared to them. Her brain shape, ear composition, eye function, and skin were all of interest to them. The room began to fill with curious scientists and Sam's head was filled with their thoughts, the data being collected, and the thoughts of the thousands of other aliens in the adjoining buildings. Tears filled her eyes as she grabbed her head, which was throbbing. She collapsed onto her knees as the tall yellow men moved even closer.

Chapter Text

"You were right about where she was headed. SG-5 found the Alkesh. They'll have it back here by tomorrow morning."

Jack leaned back in the chair opposite the desk that used to be his. "I didn't figure she'd go too far. Hopefully that means she'll run into Teal'c."

Landry nodded. "If she does, he can bring her back, but if she doesn't…" He let the silence hang between them.

Jack glanced over his shoulder, through the conference room and towards the gate. "I know the regulations, Hank, and so does she. Hell, she helped write half of them. When she left she knew what she was doing."

"I hope you're right, Jack."

"Unscheduled off world activation."

Jack and Landry both made their way into the control room and stood over Harriman. "It's Teal'c's IDC, sirs."

"Open the iris."

They were both in the gate room as Teal'c emerged alone. "Colonel Carter has not yet appeared. Talman and three of his men will continue to wait for her. They will contact us if she arrives."

Jack's shoulders slightly slumped at the news. The Alkesh had been found over eighteen hours earlier so if she'd been headed back to the planet where she was bitten, she should have been there long ago. "Thanks, T."

-0-0-0-0-0-

"Sir, this arrived for you today from Area 51." Jack's secretary put a small box on his desk.

"Thanks, Gloria." He opened the box as she closed his door. Inside was a flash drive wrapped in bubble wrap. Jack was written on one side of the drive, in black sharpie. It was her handwriting. Jack put it in his computer and clicked on it.

A password request popped up. Jack tried Cassie, Janet, and Naquada but they didn't work. He tapped his desk and looked over at a picture of SG-1 posing at his cabin when he remembered what she'd told him months ago. He typed in fishing and the file opened. The drive contained a set of documents labeled with various names, Cassie, Daniel, Teal'c, Cameron, Hammond, Dad, Mark, and Jack. He sat back in his chair and looked at the screen. Opening it would be the same as admitting he didn't expect her to come back. It had only been four days, way too soon to give up.

-0-0-0-0-0-

Jack pulled the flash drive from his drawer and plugged it into his computer, the same as he had every night for the last three weeks. Sam was officially listed as missing in action. Jack had called her brother two weeks ago when the decision was made. He hadn't been able to explain much and even though Mark understood some of her work was dangerous he kept asking for more than Jack could share.

He typed in fishing and watched the files appear on his screen. He hovered the mouse over the document with his name. He hadn't opened it yet. He believed she was alive, but now that she'd been missing for over three weeks, he was worried that she wasn't able to come home. He closed the files, leaving the letter unopened. He wasn't ready to read it yet. He turned off his computer and headed home.

-0-0-0-0-

"Hey, Jack."

"Daniel."

"How are you doing?"

"No big changes here. You?"

"We've been told all efforts to locate Sam have been suspended."

"I know." Jack laid down the pen he'd been using to sign requisitions.

"Of course you did. Wasn't there anything you could do?"

"I did all I could. She'll have to come back on her own."

"And if she does, will we let her walk through the gate?"

"We have processes for missing personnel to come back. She knows that."

"Right, of course she does. Planning to be in Colorado any time soon?"

"Nope, lots to do here."

"Right, well we're heading out tomorrow, but I'll call you when we get back. Maybe check on Cassie while I'm gone."

"I call her every week."

"Right, ok. We'll talk later then."

Jack hung up his phone and sighed. He understood Daniel's frustration, but even Teal'c and his network of contacts had come up dry. Sam knew she was on her own when she left, and Jack had no choice left but accept it too. He opened his desk drawer and pulled out the flash drive. He softly ran his thumb over his name in her handwriting before pulling the drive into his computer. He typed in fishing and hovered over his name. His index finger double clicked and the file opened. He looked away. Opening it felt like he was giving up on her, betraying her trust in him. He looked back, intending to find he X to close the document but his eyes drifted to the introduction.

*****
Dear Colonel O'Neill,
*****

Why would she have called him Colonel O'Neill? Jack looked away again, the desire to read her words battling with his need to not give up hope. She'd sent it to him before leaving on purpose, so maybe not reading her letter was the real crime. He looked back at the screen.

*****
Dear Colonel O'Neill,

I know when I first joined your team you were a bit reluctant to have me. I was equally reluctant to be on your team, but it didn't take me long to see that you are a fair and moral man. I tried hard to live up to your expectations, so I hope I didn't let you down too much when I died.

Thank you for being the kind of leader I didn't mind following. We didn't always agree, but I knew you heard me. Being heard matters. Thank you for being open minded. I honestly didn't expect that when we met. You surprised me by considering more than just your gut, even though your gut was usually right. I'm glad I could wait until I was dead to admit that.

There are a few things in my locker that can't be sent to my Dad. I'd appreciate it if you'd go through my stuff and weed out the classified materials. Daniel would appreciate the books and there are a couple CDs that might help Teal'c better appreciate Earth music. I also have a few pictures in my journal that I'd like you to have. My journal doesn't have anything classified in it, but it probably shouldn't go to my dad either.

I know you didn't like having a scientist on your team but hopefully I earned my keep. I hope you will consider bringing on another scientist in my place, just make sure they can also cover your six.

Thank you for everything,

Captain Samantha Carter

Dear Colonel O'Neill,

I don't know how to thank you for supporting me as I climbed out of the dark hole left behind when Jolinar died. Exploring her life was tough but knowing you were there helped me get through it. Perhaps knowing you had climbed out of your own hole helped me too. I'm glad you let me in a little. I know that wasn't easy for you.

Spending time outside of work hanging out and riding psychedelic buses let me see your fun side. You need to let him out more often, especially with Cassie. You are wonderful with Cassie. She will need you even more now that I won't be there for her and Janet. Watch her when you play chess though, she likes to try to cheat if you aren't looking. She has a fighter's spirit and she isn't afraid to push the limits. Janet will need you to make her laugh as Cassie pushes her limits.

I have a few things for each of you and Cassie in my office at home. They're in the closet and I bet you'll be able to figure out what goes to whom.

Thank you for being my commanding officer and friend,

Captain Samantha Carter

Dear Colonel O'Neill,

By now you can tell I've decided to add to my farewell letter rather than start from new. I bet Daniel rewrites his and they've got to be really long. Teal'c probably doesn't have any written, even though you explained the concept. I've wondered a lot about your letters this year. To whom do you write them? What do you admit that you haven't said out loud? My guess is you'll still play it close to the chest, even after death.

We literally went to hell and back this year. You saw some of my toughest memories and you fought to keep me safe through it all. When you were trapped on Edora I did my best to pay you back by bringing you home, only to find that you had made a new home. I feel guilty for dragging you away from her. If I hadn't been so selfish you could have had a new safe life. I dragged you back into danger. I'm sorry. I hope you will forgive me one day.

Don't forget to check my office closet and keep an eye on Cassie.

Always your second in command,

Major Samantha Carter

Dear Jack,

If I can't call you Jack after I'm dead, when can I? It's not like the regulations matter after death, right? I don't regret putting Earth before myself, that's what I signed up for when I joined the Air Force. I regret that we couldn't have spent another week on that beach. I regret never finding out how you spent all your time during the loop and why you gave me that look. I regret not going for it when I was Thera, even though it was seriously cold. I don't regret putting Earth first.

I'm sorry you had to kill me. I lied when I told you I didn't remember any of it. I saw it all, even though I had no control. I saw your face as you had to decide what to do. I know that was hard on you. I'm glad that you're also able to put Earth first. Ultimately, that's why we'll win. Earth is first, always.

Always your second,

Sam

Dear Jack,

I had a few bumps earlier this year, but you had my back. If it hadn't been for you my dialing program might have been at fault for destroying a whole planet. You stood up for me when I lost the Ambassador. You saved me just before I was about to be dissected. You fought for me to have more time to get Teal'c out of the gate.

The hardest part of the year was losing Daniel. I still haven't slept through the night without waking up and crying. Janet is in pieces and Cassie is crushed. You've been through more than most, so you've had to find ways to deal with loss like this. Maybe you were so upset you had to retreat. Maybe you thought I was over reacting. Either way, I feel very far from you right now and I miss Daniel terribly. Things just aren't the same without him. There's nobody to talk to when we're traipsing through forests! You and Teal'c just aren't chatty.

The selfish part of me hopes my death hit you a little hard. Don't get me wrong, I don't want you curled up in a fetal position in a corner, which would be very unlike you. I just hope I warranted a six pack and a few broken dishes. You know you'll miss my technobabble and crazy ideas. Don't be too hard on my replacement.

Always your second,

Sam

Dear Jack,

You tried to disappear on me again this year, once to prison and then with Maybourne. I'm not sure why you keep trying so hard to get away from me. Am I that hard to work with? I know you heard that I didn't deal well with your absence, since you being taken was my fault. I wish I could have held it together as well you do in times like that. If you're having a hard time with my death, don't. I lived a great life and I feel lucky to have gotten to serve with you and everyone else at the SGC.

I was tempted more than once this year to open the door to that room we agreed to leave everything in, especially after Nirrit's machine. I tried to approach you a couple of times, but you didn't seem interested and that was probably for the best. I think, maybe, I was missing Daniel's company so much I was looking for another connection. Jonas is great, but he doesn't like to hang out as much as Daniel did, when I could pry him away from his lab. Don't get me wrong, Janet and Cassie are fun, and I love spending time with them, but it isn't the same. Some days I just hope they don't kill each other and being in the middle isn't fun.

Sometimes I let my mind wander into that room. I wonder what it would be like. We probably aren't as compatible as I think. You like beer and I prefer vodka. You like to watch baseball and I prefer documentaries. You're a dog guy and I like cats better. I like my steaks medium rare while you char yours until it can be used as charcoal. Then I think about how much I respect you, how much you care about the people you love, how much your opinion means to me, and of course my base attraction to you. Yep, you read that correctly. It felt good to put it on paper, even though you won't read it until after I'm gone. I hope knowing that isn't a burden on you. That isn't my intent. I hope you feel better knowing how I felt.

Always your second,

Sam

Dear Jack,

I was so close to breaking the lock on that door to that damn room after that super soldier nearly killed me, but since we couldn't I had no choice but destroy the key. I had to bury it so deep it can't ever be found. My thoughts kept coming back to the possibility of us, but there isn't ever going to be an us and those thoughts were standing between me and having a full happy life with a family. Don't get me wrong, I love working at the SGC and with you, but I finally decided I needed to actively work on having more. My time alone on the Prometheus gave me a chance to put things in prospective. My interest in you, what I couldn't have, and probably never should have wanted, had been the road block stopping me from making a life outside the mountain.

Losing Janet made it even clearer to me that I needed a fuller life outside the mountain. She managed to have it all and Cassie needs me to have a better balance in my life. You didn't seem to share that need for more, at least not with me.

I hope I didn't hurt you too much as I pulled back from you. I didn't feel like I had a choice, especially after you didn't do or say anything to dissuade me from dating. Pete's a good guy and he let's me be myself. He also understands the demands of my job, something that would bother most men. It turns out not many men are comfortable with a smart woman who can kick their butt. He also know how to deal with having a partner that might not come home one day, as I've apparently done since you're reading this.

Even as I pulled back, I stayed forever your second,

Sam

Dear Jack,

I guess I didn't really bury that key. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't let go of the thought of us. Thankfully neither could you apparently, since you're sitting on my sofa watching baseball while I'm typing this. It turns out we do mesh well. Baseball lets me get some work done and you had more interest in documentaries than I realized. Your taste in beer is rather diverse and I enjoyed some of the microbrews you brought home. Neither of us had time for a dog or cat, so that issue hasn't been resolved, but I bet if I hadn't died, we would have ended up with both.

I'm sorry I left you just as we finally found our path to being together. At least we had this time together, to know we did work. We didn't leave anything unexplored. I said earlier that I had no regrets but that was a lie. If we hadn't given us a try, I would have always regretted it. Ultimately that's why I came to you that day in your backyard. I couldn't walk away from an us without telling you how I felt. I needed to be sure you knew, even though we had danced around it for so long.

Thank you for being you, a man I could love and respect. It's hard to believe we got here considering how we each felt about the other when we met. It didn't take me long to see I had misjudged you, but it was a couple years before I realized my attraction to you was deeper than just physical attraction. Then I spent years fighting what I felt for you. I know we both knew what we were getting into but I'm still sorry I left you so soon.

I hope I've said it before you read this but just in case I haven't, I love you. I've said it to other men before, but it never felt right. I knew they weren't that into me, or I was hesitant to commit to them, or something felt off, but I caved to society's expectations or peer pressure and I said those magic words. Not with you though. As I sit it here beside you, we've left it unsaid, yet I know for sure I am in love with you. Oddly, even though we haven't said it I know you love me too. It's the way you look at me, the way you have your hand on my knee as we sit here, the way you touch the small of my back when we're walking, the way you sense where I am even without looking, the way you think of me before yourself, it all says you love me. I am a very lucky woman.

Always your second and these days often your first,

Much love always,

Sam

Dear Jack,

We've said it plenty over the last year and I was right, you knew I loved you. I know I've put you through the wringer a couple times as you waited for me to return with no news or even worse, bad news. Each time I came back you were there, to hold my hand in the infirmary or welcome me as I stepped through the door. You are a surprisingly good baker and coming home to your banana bread is always a treat. Perhaps you are a better baker than griller because it involves less beer, just an observation.

You've handled Washington so well. I know you've hated a lot of what you've had to do but we needed you, and by we, I mean the Earth not just the SGC. I feel safer knowing you were watching over all of us. I love that you take time off to take me to the cabin. My favorite part of the cabin is the fireplace. You sure do roast a great marshmallow. Your foot rubs are also the stuff of legend. Everything about being up there with you is warm and cozy, even when it is cold outside. That's how everything is with you, better.

A couple months ago you said something about this being your last relationship. You meant it in a positive way, we'd be together until we died, but that has come a bit sooner than you meant. You're a better you when you're with another person. You need to take care of people. I know you will always take care of Cassie, but you need more than her in your life. Now that I'm gone please find someone else to live your life with. Don't be alone.

All my love and still your second,

Sam
*****

Jack reread it three times before he closed the file and turned off his computer. He sat in his chair staring at her picture for several minutes before opening another file on his computer. He went through hundreds of photos of her, and the rest of SG-1, as he mulled over her words, the words she had penned over their years together. He stopped on his favorite picture. It was one he'd taken recently while she was fishing at his lake. Her eyes were glittering, and her smile was for him. He'd loved her for longer than she'd known and longer than had been allowed. Even as he kept her at arm's length for her own good, he'd loved her. He turned off his screen and went home, late as usual. For the next two weeks each night ended the same way, her letter and her pictures, followed by a couple beers and a restless sleep.

Chapter Text

"Unscheduled off world activation."

Landry and Cameron met in the gate room. Sergeant Harriman looked up at Landry, "No IDC yet, sir."

The iris shimmered and a small woman with a floral headpiece stepped through with Colonel Carter at her side. The men in the gate room lifted their weapons but suddenly found their weapons disappeared.

The small woman looked at Colonel Carter, "You have still not learned."

General Landry and Cameron got into the room just as the soldiers began to move towards Lya and Colonel Carter. "Stand down." He looked from the soldiers to the two women. "Welcome back Colonel Carter. Who have you brought with you?"

"General Landry I'd like you to meet…"

"Lya!" Daniel appeared beside Cameron. "Sam!"

"Daniel." Sam grinned.

"Lya, it's good to meet you." General Landry looked from Lya to Colonel Carter. "Colonel, it's good to see you again as well."

"Thank you, sir."

Lya tilted her head in greeting. "We restored Colonel Carter's health and helped her return to you."

General Landry nodded. "I would like to hear much more about Colonel Carter's time away and how you helped her, if you can join us for a while."

"I thought you would require as much." Lya followed General Landry's lead as Daniel hung back and gave Sam a long hug.

"It's good to have you back. You are back, right?"

"I certainly hope so." She gave him a broad grin as they reached the stairs.

Daniel disappeared as Sam, Lya, Cameron, and General Landry took their seats around the conference table. He returned in time to hear Lya explaining how Colonel Carter came to be with the Nox.

"Colonel Carter appeared in a Nyrania lab in physical distress. They attempted to help her, but they are unfamiliar with human physiology. The Nyrania's are at a technological level that is about the same as yours. They were unable to remove the device from Colonel Carter's head and I am afraid they caused her considerable pain during their attempt. When they realized they could not help and were in factor causing more problems they placed Colonel Carter in stasis. We make periodic contact with the Nyrania's so they are aware of our existence. They left us a message about Colonel Carter because they saw the similarities in our anatomy. We responded once we received their message and retrieved Colonel Carter."

"The Nyrania?" General Landry's brow creased.

"Yes, they live outside your galaxy, so you have not encountered them before."

"Outside this galaxy? How far did you travel Sam?" Cameron leaned forward from across the table.

Sam shrugged, "It took several gates to get to my final destination."

"How did you know the gate addresses?"

"They were just in my head."

"I can explain." Lya gave the group a kind smile. "The Furlings used to have a outposts in this galaxy but they abandoned them millennia ago. Based on the device we removed from Colonel Carter it appears she encountered one of these outposts that still supported some of their technology. They used this technology to spy on other civilizations. If the data collectors ended up in a non-sentient being the Furlings did not end up getting any information but if it was introduced to a sentient being, they would eventually be driven to seek out the Furlings. Colonel Carter would not have been able to control her desire to travel to the Furlings home."

"Sam went to the home of the Furlings?" Daniel took a seat beside Sam as he asked the question.

"Their former home. The Nyrania ancestors were a primitive species when the Furlings went extinct. In the absence of the Furlings the Nyrania developed and now rival your level of technology. They do not have your desire to explore, however. They have had to learn to live with the technology left behind by the Furlings, but because some of the technology is above their level of development, we have provided them assistance."

"Had to learn to live with the technology left behind?" Cameron queried.

"Yes, the Furlings allowed technology to become all-consuming and it was eventually their downfall. As Colonel Carter has experienced, their technology could be very dangerous. We seek to avoid their fate by not allowing ourselves to become too dependent upon technology and still appreciate what nature provides."

"So, their technology caused them to go extinct?"

"It was a more complicated process than that but yes, like the Asgard, technology was their downfall."

"Wow." Daniel leaned back in his chair. "So much for bumping into a Furling one day." Lya tilted her head in affirmation. "So why did the bugs go after Sam and how did she end up with you?"

"The bugs, as you call them, were probably attracted to the naquada in Colonel Carter's blood. Once Colonel Carter was brought to the attention of the Nox she was brought to me, since I am considered an expert on your species. I apologize it took so long for her to be found and for the device to be removed. I am also sorry Colonel Carter suffered in the care of the Nyrania."

Sam waved her hands. "I am thankful for your assistance and I know the Nyrania did all they could and had my best interest in mind."

"Your understanding is appreciated." Lya turned from Sam to General Landry. "I hope you will be able to welcome Colonel Carter back to Earth?"

General Landry nodded his head, "We are very pleased to have her home and we appreciate you helping her."

"It was my pleasure." Lya said good bye to Sam and left through the gate, which she dialed without assistance.

Sam was ordered to the infirmary. She asked to use the phone on the way and was given two minutes, under guard, to make a call. She called Jack's cell phone but ended up having to leave a message.

"Hey, Jack, it's Sam. I'm home. It's a long story and I'll call you back as soon as I am cleared by the infirmary. I've…I've missed you."

The infirmary visit took hours, which Sam had expected. She was anemic and underweight. There was some concern about her loss of muscle mass while she was in stasis, which had apparently slowed her metabolism but still left her body in need of energy, so she'd started digesting her own muscle as her fat stores were depleted. There was a scar in her scalp where the Nyrania's had attempted to remove the device. The Nox had repaired the worst of the damage but there was still s small scar. An MRI didn't show any residual damage to her brain tissue, thankfully the Nyranians stopped before penetrating too deeply into her cranial cavity. She passed a series of cognitive tests but was scheduled for a more comprehensive battery of tests the following week. Sam was finally released from the mountain but placed on light duty until she could pass a physical and complete a psychological analysis.

Daniel gave her a ride home. She called Jack's cell again while they were in the car, but it went to voicemail again.

"Can we stop and get some food? I'm kinda hungry."

"No need, Cam and Teal'c filled your refrigerator while you were in the infirmary. We figured it would take a few days for you to get your finances worked out. I can tell you from experience that when you don't use your card for a few months they might deny you if you suddenly start using it again without calling."

"I can tell them I was sent overseas suddenly. I'll call them in the morning." They pulled up in front of her house and she was surprised to see lights on. She assumed Cameron and Teal'c were still inside, so she was intrigued when Daniel didn't get out with her.

He rolled down the window as she walked around the car. "General Landry said he didn't want to see you back before Monday and later than that is fine. You've earned the time off."

"I do have a big report to write."

The car started rolling away. "Not before at least Monday."

Sam was looking in her purse for her keys as the door opened for her. She swallowed as their eyes met.

"Jack."

He smiled and opened his arms. "Welcome home, beautiful." She moved into his open arms and collapsed against him in relief.

"I'm sorry I left you and just disappeared."

"You have nothing to be sorry about. Now get in here before you catch your death of cold." Jack got his first good look at her as she took off her coat. Daniel had warned him that she was thin, but he was still surprised.

"The house smells amazing." Her eyes lit up.

"Daniel said you might like some dinner and I thought maybe some Luigi's lasagna would hit the spot. There's garlic bread and salad too."

Sam's mouth started watering. "Wow, I'm so hungry."

"Great, because it's ready." He loosened his arms and stepped back enough to really look at her face. Her eyes were dancing, and her smile filled her face. "Let's eat before I ruin it trying to keep it warm."

Her first bite was as amazing as she'd hoped it would be. She closed her eyes and gave a soft moan as the melted cheese, stacks of noodles, and meat sauce danced on her tongue. She attacked a slice of garlic bread that she dipped in the lasagna sauce.

"Does Cassie know I'm home?"

Jack nodded, "I called her right after Daniel called me. I promised her you would video chat with her tonight or tomorrow."

Sam sighed. "We can do that right after dinner." She ate less than half of what was on her plate, but she was stuffed.

"You didn't eat much." Jack looked concerned that she had eaten less than usual.

"My stomach shrank while I was in stasis, but it will expand again. Stop worrying, I'm fine."

"I'm not worried."

"Liar."

He grinned as he stood and picked up some of the dishes. "Maybe a little but I think I have good reason."

"You did, but now that I'm home there's no reason to worry anymore."

"Then I won't." Sam picked up a few dishes and stood as he went into the kitchen. She wished her words would be enough to convince him she was ok, but she knew it would take more. She helped him load her dishwasher and wipe up the kitchen.

"Jack, the oven's still on."

"I know." She looked over at him. "There's dessert."

Sam put her hand over her abdomen. "There's no way I can eat any more."

He looked at his watch. "It has another twenty minutes in the oven and then it's supposed to sit for at least thirty minutes. That gives us plenty of time to talk to Cassie and let your dinner vibrate a bit."

Sam turned on the oven light and bent over. "What is it?"

"You are so impatient." Sam glanced at him. "Fine, it's an apple pie."

"Mmmmm."

"There's salted caramel ice cream too."

Sam stood up. "You really did think of everything."

Jack shrugged. "Teal'c and Cameron should get most of the credit. I gave them a list and they made it happen while I was in the air."

"I'll make sure to thank them when I get back to work."

They got settled on the sofa and called Cassie. She squealed with delight and talked Sam's ear off, telling her about all of her classes and two guys she was "talking to" but not serious about yet. Jack was appalled that she was leading them both on, but he knew better than speak up. When Jack came back from taking the pie out of the oven, he decided to get out his computer and check a few emails. He was on his eighth email when Sam and Cassie got done talking. Sam started to open her email, but Jack interrupted her.

"Don't you dare start to do work."

"Why not? You are."

"That's different." He closed the window and turned off his computer. "Now that you girls are done chatting, I'm going to cut that pie."

"Just a small piece for me."

He pushed up off the sofa. "Ok, a small slice of pie and a small scoop of ice cream."

Sam pursed her lips. "Maybe a medium scoop. I have to keep my pie to ice cream ratio correct."

"Even your dessert involves math." He grinned at her as he left the room. They watched the news while they ate their dessert. After Jack cleaned up the dishes, he turned off the television and turned on Sam's small stereo. Soft jazz filled the room. Jack held out a hand towards Sam. She took his hand, stood, and let him envelop her in his arms. After several minutes their dancing turned into a swaying hug.

"You know, there's something I've missed even more than lasagna and salted caramel ice cream."

He lifted his head, so he could see her eyes. "Really? What's that?"

She closed her eyes, tilted her head and leaned in. He followed her lead and met her lips. Their kiss grew deeper and she pulled him closer until he gently pulled back. "I thought you were tired."

Sam grinned, "Then shouldn't you be taking me to bed." Her hand slid from behind his head to his neck and then down his chest. "I've missed you terribly."

Sam tucked her head under Jack's chin as she stretched across his torso, enjoying her post orgasm endorphin high. He kept his hands roaming across her naked back.

"It feels good to have you back."

"It feels good to be back." She pulled the covers over her hip. "I really am sorry I left you. I hated disappearing like that. It wasn't fair to you."

"Like I told you before, you did the right thing." He traced a line up her spine, making her shiver. "If you had told me I would have had to either try to stop you or commit treason by helping you."

"The proverbial rock and hard place."

"Exactly. It was hard not knowing where you were but by not telling me you protected me."

"I'm glad you understand."

"Since we're having an understanding moment this is probably a good time to tell you I read your letter."

Sam crossed her hands on Jack's chest and propped her chin up on her hands so she could look at him. "My letter?"

"Your I died an honorable death and am never coming home letter."

Her eyes widened. "Ahhhhhh. Did you think I was dead?"

"No, but I was beginning to wonder if you were going to be able to make it back."

"I wasn't sure myself." She stretched her hands back out and laid her head on his chest. "Did it help?"

"A little."

Sam smiled, "Maybe you should let me read your letter in exchange."

He shook his head, "Hopefully you won't have any reason to read it for a long time, and any way you spent a few days in my head, so we are more than even."

She kissed his chin. "Yes, yes we are."