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Hot water poured from the showerhead, filling the bathroom with a thick steam. Rei stepped out of her pants and kicked them to the wayside, tugged her damp shirt up over her head. Everything reeked like sour milk and vomit. She cringed as she balled up her outfit and tossed it into the hamper.
She didn’t dare look at her reflection as she untangled her hair from it’s messy ponytail, stretched her arms out in front of her, sighed. She felt so deflated, so worn out, like a rubber band stretched a little too thin. But she knew she did not have time enough to afford to her feelings about this new body she was in. She had greater priorities that cut away now at her freedom of time.
The moment she stepped foot in the shower, she could feel the hot water begin to work through the knots in her back and the ache in her muscles. The spot right between her shoulder blades was especially tender, as were her arms. She hadn’t quite realized how out of shape she had become in the interim. And yet at the same time, with each passing day she could feel herself grow a little bit stronger, too. Her physicality was slowly returning, but this time in different forms.
Tilting her head back, she closed her eyes and soaked her hair before reaching for a large bottle of shampoo. She always liked the kind that smelled like oranges the most. She squirted a dollop into her palm, worked it through her fiery tresses since greasy from days of neglect. She afforded herself a brief scalp massage as she did so, willing away the headache always straining her mind. She wished she could get some decent sleep, but she knew it was only a pipe dream. She would never sleep well again, she presumed.
Following the shampoo came the cream rinse, which she knew wasn’t particularly necessary but made her feel better regardless. Her hair never was very soft to begin with and besides, hadn’t Kakashi told her to go pamper herself? To take her time and freshen up? He believed she deserved it, and so she had to convince herself that she did. She worked the smooth conditioner over the ends of her hair, then flicked the length over her shoulder before moving on to her body.
Her body.
The way it had so rapidly changed over the past few months, if not the past few weeks, was dizzying. She needed to afford it so much extra care now in recovery. She followed the hospital staff’s instructions to a T, despite how much of a hassle the extra steps had become. Reaching for a small bottle of unscented, all-purpose wash, she lathered a washcloth and reached down to pat soap onto her crotch. Her lack of visibility down there made it difficult to discern how much was enough, but she tried to do her best all the same. Get it nice and soapy down there, then rinse and pat dry, they had told her. She wasn’t quite sure how long she was supposed to do this for but she continued even weeks later to be safe. She was still so tender down there, anyway, she assumed anything else might be too rough and end up hurting more than it helped. With the help of the hospital-supplied peri bottle, she rinsed down there with warm water and then moved on to the rest of her body.
For this, she turned instead to her typical body wash, a blue liquid in a pump bottle that smelled like the ocean. She lathered a loofah and began scrubbing down her entire body, taking her time with every square inch so as to selfishly prolong the process. Soap slid up her sinewy arms, since growing leaner from the constant carrying of so much weight. She cupped her engorged breasts and let the hot water soothe them for only a moment, considering how hard and hot and tingly they had become. They said that this was normal, but she certainly didn’t feel normal. Nor did having a tiny human suckling at her breast feel normal. She would have to breastfeed again soon to avoid further discomfort, if not pump milk for later. A part of her grieved for the days when her body was her own, rather than a vessel for the nurturing of someone else. For the days when she had not been reduced to a milk machine, constantly pumping and expressing and nourishing. It was rewarding work, but work nonetheless. A little extra pressure and a drop of milk dripped down from her nipple, and she was filled with equal parts disdain and pride. She quickly swiped her loofah across her sore breasts then and moved on to the rest of her body.
As the soap navigated her skin, she thought of the stretch marks lining her flabby stomach and the stubble coating her legs. She let the hot water run across her body and rinse away the suds, then reached hesitantly for the razor. Shaving wasn’t particularly necessary, she knew. She wore long pants the majority of the time and barely left the house anymore anyway. And yet she wanted to make herself feel better, more like herself. She practiced particular caution as she glided the razor up her legs, forcing herself to ignore the age-old scars that had marred her skin once upon a time ago. She could not afford to harm herself now. Her body was no longer her own. Any harm she did to herself now was in direct relation to the tiny human she had worked so hard to nurture and birth. She could not bring herself to harm anything in relation to her child, even if it included herself.
Rei knew her time was running short, she could hear the whines and cries of her child in the other room needing her. Not that Kakashi was ill equipped to care for their child in her absence, because of course he was, and she trusted him completely. But she knew by the fullness of her breasts and her hazy memory of her child’s care thus far today that Nariko was nearing the end of her tolerance and would soon require what only her mother could provide. Before Rei stepped out of the shower, however, she afforded her face one ample scrub of cleanser for the sake of her grease and acne. Postpartum had certainly done a number on her skin and left her constantly feeling grimy and gross. She slathered her face with soap and then pressed a hot wash cloth over her skin, rubbing and rinsing and letting the heat attempt to break up whatever tension was still wreaking havoc on her cloudy head.
Once finished, she turned the water off and reached for a towel hanging on the back of the door. She flipped her hair over and wrapped it in one, then grabbed the other and began patting herself dry cautiously, tenderly, gently. She paid special attention to her crotch in hopes of not irritating anything further, minding the soreness still radiating through her body.
Usually, she would sit and allow herself to air-dry for a few moments before facing the day but she knew she could not afford such a luxury anymore. Instead, she needed to prepare her armor before her time ran out.
Postpartum required Rei to wear a much different uniform than she was accustomed to. She reached under the sink for a package of adult diapers, which she hated everything about. They made her feel senile and incompetent, but they worked well to catch the residual flood of blood. When she was sure she was dry enough, she stepped into one but paused midway up her thighs. She reached again under the sink and produced a canister of witch hazel pads and a bottle of numbing spray. She had become so accustomed to this sick little routine in the past few weeks, laying down a line of sharp-smelling, circular little pads and then spraying the whole thing in an ample swipe of numbing spray. The scent of witch hazel clung to the inside of her nostrils even after she was finished, equal parts cleansing and nauseating. She tossed her body towel upon the door then and slipped into their bedroom to finish her preparations.
Clothing was no longer a fashion statement but rather existed solely for practicality’s sake. She reached for a pair of loose sweatpants, similar to those that she would wear with her jonin uniform, and a tank top for easy access to her breasts. Before dressing, however, she rooted around her underwear drawer for a clean nursing bra and two nursing pads. Nursing bras were something she didn’t think she could ever get used to, with their snaps at the straps and strange, almost sexual design. They reminded her of something she’d find in the Pink Bookstore, way in the back with the sex toys and the lingerie like crotchless panties and garters. Nothing about nursing bras made her feel sexy, however. She pursed her lips as she ripped open the plastic packaging and fixed a round little adhesive pad to each fabric cup. It all felt so fruitless, deep down, knowing full well that she would be soaked with milk or spit up within the next hour and have no choice but to change, unless she decided she no longer cared and wanted to reek for the rest of the day.
She carefully snapped the bra shut then and slid her arms through the straps, then carefully stepped into her pants and pulled her tank top over her head. She released her hair from her towel and brushed through it quickly, shaking the excess water out before clipping her long bangs back and tying the rest of the length into a messy ponytail. She no longer had the tolerance for her trademark hairstyle, with her hair hanging in her face. With a messy newborn, there was nothing very practical about it and again, fashion was no longer a concern of hers in the stead of practicality (Not that she was ever very concerned with fashion to begin with, not like Naru was, but still).
Once she had donned clean clothes and finished fastening her hair, she finally stood in front of the mirror and allowed herself one quick glance at her reflection. It was so strange to see herself now, the stranger staring back at her. She knew she was looking at herself, and she could recognize distinct features like her autumn-colored hair and the garish scar across the bridge of her nose, and yet at the same time she was alien. Like something pulled from a dream—it feels familiar but you can’t recall the details. She was a changed woman now. The old Rei had been broken apart and redesigned into something different, something new, something bizarre and nurturing and strange. She was so much more than just Rei now. She was a mother, for better or for worse.
Sucking in a deep breath, Rei resigned to accept her new fate, the good and the bad that came with it. She accepted that she would never be the same again; that her life had been flipped upside down in the best possible way. And so as she turned into the living room to find Kakashi lounged on the couch with their newborn daughter asleep atop his chest, her heart flooded with something like love, but perhaps more, something stronger and deeper and more intrinsic. Motherhood was exhausting and demanding and had been so taxing on her sanity and her energy, but it was moments like this, drenched in the love that her and Kakashi shared for their little one, that made it all worth it. She was a mother, for better or for worse, and it was everything that Rei had ever wanted.