Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Who’s this?” Kim asked as soon as he saw the middle aged man sitting inside his apartment. 

Big glanced down on the floor for a moment before answering. 

“That’s Doctor Park he’s a top psychologist in the field, especially with...” he fidgeted uncomfortably behind Kim

“...Emotional trauma response” he ended

“Why’s he here?” Kim calmly spoke, but the edge in his voice made the other bodyguards flinch, and Big turned his gaze to the floor. 

“Your Brother, master Kinn-“

“Kinn?” Kim scoffed, not believing him for even a second. 

“Kinn arranged this?” Did they take him for a fool? He scoffed again. 

“Lies” his cold voice sounded and Big didn’t dare make eye contact with him. 

“Who? Tankhun?” Kim pushed on, staring Big down, despite their little height difference. 

“You want a list?” Big spat back who, despite his words, was still uncomfortable. 

Kim didn’t say anything and took a step back from Big, still looking his way. Clever of them to get the psychologist while he was out. 

“Forget it. I don’t need therapy” and he took a step towards the apartment door “try my psycho cousin though”, 

Big stepped in front of the door, stopping right in front of Kim “He’s already seeing a psychiatrist at the hospital” 

Kim only looked taken aback for a moment. “Interesting,” he muttered. 

When Kim didn't move, Big spoke “I’m sorry, but they ordered” 

“What’s going to happen if I don’t comply? How are you going to stop me with a cast?” Kim smugly asked, while Big only began to pull out a file, holding it out to Kim

“Master Kinn sends his apologies,” Kim looked down at the file, reaching out when he saw the name ‘Dr. Park’

“while Master Tankhun hopes you’ll see this as an opportunity to open up 22 years of bottled-up emotions” he let out a deep breath 

“He booked a double session, knowing you would be skeptical.” 

“And the more you try and fake you don’t need it, Dr. Park will know” he added and Kim didn’t say anything but stepped away from Big. 

“Just try, and if it doesn’t work, no one will bother you again” Big persuaded on Tankhun and Kinn’s behalf. 

“Okay. But make the other bodyguards leave. It’s a private thing, right?” 

Big let out a sigh but nodded, and soon the only people left in the apartment were Kim, Big, and Dr. Park. 

Kim sat down on the couch in front of Dr. Park who had his notepad ready. 

He was like Kim, rather relaxed, controlled but warmer than Kim was. 

Then Kim turned to Big “did they order you to listen?” He asked. Big tried to stay calm, unwavering. 

“They didn’t want to risk you running off”

“I could run off now if I wanted to, but I’m not.” Kim threw back 

“My business is my business. Go wait on the balcony or outside the apartment” 

Big hesitantly went to the balcony. That way he would be able to keep an eye on him still. 

Kim already felt more relaxed, yet not at all. Did they really expect him to open up to a stranger?

Stupid. 

“So Kim” Park started out. “You don’t believe you need therapy?” 

“No” he coldly replied 

“Why?” 

“Because I’m okay. I don’t see what’s wrong with me” he paused for a moment

“I know they think I shut down my emotions but I don’t.” Kim calmly answered. He was okay. He was just in control of his emotions. He knew to be rational about things. Push his feelings aside when necessary. 

“Why do they think you shut them down? Are there any specific episodes during childhood or any recent?”

Kim didn’t answer, but instead looked down at the file in his hand. 

“Would it make you feel more comfortable if you knew all about me?” Dr. Park asked, looking over at the file. Kim looked up at the man. Patience was all he saw. The man was patient. 

Why was he so patient and relaxed? When Kim sat with his whole life in his hands? 

“You don’t mind that I have this?” Kim asked him, holding up the file. 

“If it makes it easier for you to open up about your past, by knowing mine, well, go for it”

Kim thought for a moment, glancing down at the file and then up at Park again. 

“I’ll trust my brothers for now.” He then threw the file onto the coffee table

“They might be stupid at times, but they have their moments” 

Dr. Park nodded. Kim wasn’t sure why though. 

“We don’t have to talk about your feelings if you don’t want to. We can talk about anything that'll make you feel comfortable”

“I don’t think I’ll feel comfortable no matter what” 

“Why not? Do you dislike opening up to people in general? Or is it because it’s emotions?” 

“I don’t like when people can read me. I don’t like it when people can figure out who I am, and predict how I’m going to react”

“Do you fear it’ll be used against you?”

Kim fell silent for a moment. 

He hated what he, himself, was doing to the people around him. Manipulation. 

“Yes”

“Why?”

“Why? Because if people can get into your head, you’re dead. People can find your weakness and use it against you” 

“Make you act irrationally, or on your feelings, right?” 

Kim leaned back in his seat, hand by his mouth, eyes staring suspiciously at Dr. Park. 

“I don’t like the way you finish my sentences” 

“My apologies. I’ll let you speak freely. I’m just trying to help you realize what you’re saying, well what you might be feeling”

“And what would that be? What would I be feeling?” 

“You want me to take a guess?”

Kim nodded

“Yes, give your best shot” 

Dr. Park let out a deep breath before Leaning back in his chair. “Okay.”

“You believe you’re in control of your emotions because you don’t act nor react to them because you ignore them and shove them somewhere they’ll never be seen. You like to know people's true intentions, read them like a book to see if you can trust them.”

“You believe feelings make you weak. That reacting to them, letting them show, is a sign of weakness” 

“Sure you can smile, show frustration, anger, happiness, but it’s so little you believe people can’t tell how intensely you are actually feeling these emotions” 

Kim didn’t say anything, nor did his face show any obvious sign of being surprised, but he was. They both knew he was taken aback, and perhaps a little scared of what Park had said. 

As said, Kim didn’t like when people could read him. 

“Why do I need therapy for that?” He asked, “why do I need therapy for shoving away my emotions, and not reacting to them?” 

“Why do you believe you are alright, shoving all these feelings away?” 

Kim was silent again, turning his head lazily. “Because I don’t hurt people, and I don’t hurt myself. I can control what I let hurt me, I can react rationally and not let my emotions blind me”

Park didn’t say anything and Kim didn’t like the look on his face as he listened. It was obvious, to him, Kim needed therapy. 

“You don’t trust people” 

No shit. 

“You like to believe that by shoving your emotions away you can look objectively at people and pick who is most valuable, not because you like them, but because you know their skills, what they want”

“I don’t see how that’s a bad thing”

“It is when you hurt those around you by treating them as if they’re machines” 

Kim scoffed “well, I’m sorry if I like to make a dream team when I could die in no time”

Dr. Park leaned forward 

“That’s not the issue. The issue is when it comes to your family, friends” 

Kim’s heart dropped to the floor. 

Porchay. 

It was all that came to mind. Porchay. 

“Would you like to share?” Park asked, noting how lost in thought Kim became.

“No” a cold answer sounded. 

“That’s fine, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” 

“We’re burning it” Kim corrected him, piquing Park’s interest, as he wrote it down in his notepad. 

“How much time is left?” Kim asked

“Did we hit an episode?” Dr. Park asked. Kim didn’t answer as they both knew the answer was Yes. 

“There’s still plenty of time left” Park spoke after a while of silence 

“I suppose I should have you sign this while I remember” Dr. Park added, pulling a piece of paper from his jacket, and handing it to Kim. 

It was a client confidentiality contract.

“Once you’ve signed, I can’t share anything you say here to anyone else without permission from you, the client” 

Kim leaned back in his seat again “What about my brothers? Aren’t they supposed to know what’s going on? Since they hired you?” 

“Technically, but again, the one I’ve been sent to treat as a client, is you” 

“So, unless I give permission, my brothers, who wanted this, can’t get updates on how I’m doing?” 

Dr. Park shook his head “they can’t” and Kim pulled out a pen, and signed the paper without hesitation, giving it back to Dr. Park. 

“Now Kim, there’s something I would like to know about you” Kim stiffened in his seat, “What?” 

“How does it feel to live alone?” 

“Fine,” Kim answered without a second thought. “It’s fine,” but there was a slight shrug that told Park it wasn’t. 

“It’s quiet, peaceful” Kim continued 

“Freeing?” Park asked,

“Yes” he replied with a small smile “It’s freeing, and it’s needed from that kind of family” 

“You’ve always had a tough relationship with your family?” Kim went silent for a moment, thinking.

“Not really. Our family is not like the average family, so” he ended with a shrug. Their family wasn’t normal at all, but Kim had since long ago accepted that. 

“Did you move out because of that?” 

Kim didn’t answer for a moment, he looked outside, eyes falling on Big, reminding him of the Main mansion It's not home. 

“Or is it something else?” 

“I just wanted my privacy” Kim coldly answered “That’s all” but his heart beating just slightly faster than before.

“So how’s your relationship with your family now?” 

“Well my brothers just sent me to therapy so,” he said with a sarcastic smile, and when Park didn’t say anything he continued “I go home once in a while” 

“But even then, do you talk about what’s happening in your life?” 

Kim fell quiet, not knowing what to respond with 

“No” he just answered 

“Then why go home?” 

And Kim shut down. 

Why? 

Why go home?

Because you need to find dirt on someone. Because you need answers to questions no one would willingly answer. Because you need to be one step ahead of your father. Because people won’t tell the truth.

You need to act fine, and you need to act okay, because the moment you don’t, the moment you let your emotions take over, you lose. 

“Business” he replied, but he was not there mentally. He was zoning out, stuck somewhere in his mind he hadn’t been in a long time.

“Doesn’t it make you feel… alone?” 

Kim took a deep breath in and exhaled. 

“I’m fine” 

Dr. Park stared at him for a moment.

“There’s something so tragic about being so smart, yet so lonely” he spoke, and Kim shot up from his seat, walking behind the couch. When Big began to move to the door, afraid Kim was running away, he simply put up a hand to signal he wasn’t. Big stayed by the door while Kim rested his arms on the back of the couch, taking in a deep breath. 

His heart was beating faster and his throat was closing up. 

Why did that sentence affect him so much? 

“I’m fine,” he spoke, staying calm, but he was facing the couch, instead of Dr. Park. 

“There’s a lot to unpack Kim, but it seems our session is over for today” 

“Okay,” Kim spoke, after taking a deep breath, and gestured for Big to come inside “Please escort Dr. Park out” 

“I suppose you and my brothers will figure out the future sessions” Kim commented, still leaning on the back of the couch.

Why wouldn't his heart calm down?

“Yes, most likely. Same time, same place next week, I believe” Dr. Park replied, and Kim nodded silently, still lost somewhere. 

“But if they ask about today” he started out, then paused for a while “Don’t tell them anything” 

“Of course” Park replied with a smile, and Big escorted him out to the other bodyguards. 

Kim turned to the balcony windows, back leaning on the couch. 

Big returned to the apartment to announce they were leaving to report to the main family, “Kim, sir” Kim didn’t react though. 

“Sir?” He asked again, walking closer to him “Are you alright?” 

“I know it’s-” 

Kim turned, grabbing Big’s hair, forcing his head backward, his other hand grabbing his throat. Big didn’t say anything, out of shock, and out of fear, it would escalate the situation. The hand in his hair was removed, but Kim kept a tight grip on his neck. 

He didn’t say anything either, but it was clear he was unraveling underneath his controlled facade. “I’m fine , and don’t you tell my brothers anything but that” he spoke in a low and angry voice. Big couldn’t do anything but nod as his throat closed up “And don’t ever talk that casually to me, understood?” Big nodded again, and Kim let go of him. 

Chapter Text

“Dr. Park just ended his session with Kim, master Khun” Arm informed the mess on the couch

“Oh, that’s interesting” Khun exclaimed, while Kinn shook his head at him 

“I can’t believe you got our brother into therapy” an arm around Porsche’s shoulders, who added, “What gave you the idea?” 

Tankhun only shrugged, “Oh just…” 

He shrugged again. “You can’t tell me he isn’t a bit odd, distant” he merely gestured.

“I don’t know a lot about him” then he seemed to remember something “Pete sent me an update on Vegas” and pulled out his phone

“Oh god, how’s that psycho doing?” Tankhun asked with a scoff. 

“Hey” Kinn threw at his brother, who only rolled his eyes.

“He’s responding, how you would expect him to.” Porsche started out

“Lots of mood swings, anger tantrums.” he paused for a moment to read Pete’s text “Pete says he’s basically going through the 5 stages of grief every day and he’s starting to contemplate putting him in one of those weird shirts” Porsche did a gesture to imitate a straitjacket “Oh” the brothers let out in unison “A straitjacket” Porsche finally spoke

“Was Vegas your idea too?” Kinn asked Tankhun who scoffed aloud, extremely offended. 

“Me?! That psycho? Never!”

“He could rot in hell for all I care!” he yelled, but the others were used to it, and barely reacted to it

“Getting Vegas into therapy sounds like a suicide mission!” he then mumbled with a pout, looking away from them.

“Only Pete would have the guts for that” Porsche clarified to Kinn 

“But why?” He asked, and Porsche looked him dead in the eye. 

“Kinn, Tankhun” Porsche looked at the latter, before turning back to Kinn “He just lost everything. His dad just died not too long ago” 

Tankhun looked away with a hint of guilt, while Kinn was quiet for a moment 

“Do you think it’ll help?” 

“You’re the one who let him go” 

“Technically that was my dad who let him live,” Kinn corrected, but Porsche just stared him dead in the eye.

“I’m just happy our brother didn’t end up that crazy, thank god!” Tankhun broke the tense silence.

“What?” Kinn and Porsche exclaimed, while Tankhun just waved a hand at them dismissively with a scoff.  

“Don’t tell me you don’t think Kim has the potential to end up like Vegas.” he argued “They’re both, kind of odd”

It's not that Kinn hadn't ever thought about it, but he never thought it would come from Khun, who adores their younger brother. 

He and Porsche didn’t say anything but shared a look, and Tankhun rolled his eyes “Arm!” 

“Yes sir?” 

“When is Big returning?” 

“Two of the bodyguards are bringing Dr. Park back to his office as we speak. Big and the last bodyguard stayed behind but will be returning here soon.” 

“Should we go see Dr. Park, to get a summary?” Kinn threw out, but Tankhun dismissed him. “No, it can wait, it’s fine” 

“Big has returned sir” 

“Wonderful!” Tankhun exclaimed, but when he turned around in his seat to get the tea, he froze, his smile faltering. 

Kinn tensed up too, face cold, but his eyes were staring Big down in concern. 

“What happened to you?” Khun asked, and Big turned to him.

“Nothing, sir?” He let out as if he didn't know what Khun was talking about, but it was clear to them. Porsche didn’t say anything, only waiting to know who had attacked them. 

“You look a bit shaken up” Kinn spoke, voice calm but his hands were folded in front of his face.

Tankhun looked Big up and down. His hair was a mess, his neck red. Kinn got up from his seat to take a closer look at him, gesturing for him to tilt his head to the other side. Big hesitantly tilted his head so Kinn could see his neck clearly. Whether they noticed his shaky breath, he didn’t know. All he could hear was his heart beating in his chest. 

”Khun” Kinn muttered after a moment, and Big closed his eyes in fear, while Tankhun slowly got up to see what he had found. Seeing how they were both silent, Porsche leaned forward in his seat.  

“VEGAAAAS” Tankhun then suddenly shouted, stumbling backward, away from Big.

“IT’S HAPPENING” his distraught voice sounded as Arm and Pol stopped him from falling down. 

Porsche finally got up, and Kinn tilted Big’s head so Porsche could see the bruises from nails digging into his skin. 

Porsche met Kinn's eyes, telling him that it was Kim who did this. 

“Khun, we need to go” he spoke, still looking at Porsche “This has never happened before” he explained to him, and Porsche took a deep breath, while Kinn let go of Big. 

“Are you coming?” Kinn asked, and though Porsche knew Kinn wanted him to come, he felt it wasn’t his business. He gave him a reassuring smile “Thank you, but no, I’m not your bodyguard anymore am I?” Kinn chuckled “No, but…” 

“Kinn, it’s not my place to know. I’ll be fine” Kinn hesitated, but nodded “Okay,” then began striding towards the door “Khun!” he calmly called, but Porsche could hear the worry in his voice. Sure, they might not be close, surely, Kinn might feel they’re not really brothers anymore, but still, he worries. 

When the door closed after them, Porsche turned back to Big who was still standing in the same spot, looking down at the floor. 

“Big come, let’s get you fixed up” 

They might not be close, but with Pete quitting, and Ken’s death, maybe it’s for the better if they did. Surely Big wasn’t over it yet. 

“You don’t have to say anything. Just don’t” Porsche added, as Big was hesitating to go with him. 

Porsche stood leaning against the wall with crossed arms as the doctor cleaned Big’s wounds. They weren’t deep, but they still needed to be cleaned. 

“What?” Big snapped, finally getting enough of Porsche’s staring. “Is that how you talk to the Head of the minor family?” Porsche asked with a raised brow, but there was a playfulness in his voice. 

Big only sighed and turned away from him again “I’m kidding!” Porsche let out, but Big only seemed even more bothered. 

He was weird. Big was ready to die for him just a few months ago, but he won't even talk nice to him?

He shook his head.

“Do you think Kim has the potential to become Vegas?” he asked and Big turned to him with a dumbfounded look “What?” 

Porsche shrugged. “Well, I don’t know a lot about Kim, but Tankhun says they’re alike” Big glanced away for a moment “So that’s why he yelled Vegas?” Porsche nodded, and Big scoffed.

“But are they?” Porsche calmly pushed and Big let out a deep exhale, ignoring Porsche’s stare again

“I mean, considering your neck, I guess he was right” Big still didn’t answer, but the annoyance on his face told Porsche he disagreed.

He seemed defensive about Kim, why? 

When the doctor was finally done, Big walked up to Porsche “I don’t know why you’re projecting onto me, but I’m not Pete, and I’m a bodyguard, I’m fine. Stop worrying” and walked past him.

“Big!” Porsche called after him, and Big stopped, back facing him.

“You’re right, maybe I am projecting onto you a bit, but mostly I’m just curious about Kim cause I honestly don’t know much about him. The only time I remember meeting him was the time you saved me and my brother” Big hesitated for a moment, and Porsche was afraid he was going to walk away, but then he turned around. 

“Kim is not like Vegas, despite what my neck says. Don’t act as if you’ve never been punished before” 

“Yeah but that was for… different reasons” he muttered, but he shut up as Big glared at him “The main difference between Kim and Vegas is how they deal with their emotions. Vegas breaks down easily, well lets his emotions blind him while Kim…” Big seemed to zone out for a moment. “Colder. Collected” his eyes were glancing around, avoiding Porsche, and then he walked away. 

Truly, Big's biggest weakness is his emotions. He can't hide them, lie about them, and at times, not even control them. 

When Porsche went downstairs a while later, Kinn and Tankhun were sitting defeated in the lounge, after coming back from Dr. Park's office. 

“So what happened?” Porsche asked, sitting down beside Kinn, who immediately leaned into him, wrapping an arm around Porsche. Tankhun was barely even sitting on the lounge chair, melting onto the floor instead. 

“We got nothing” he sighed, letting himself fall to the ground, and Porsche turned to Kinn “He signed a confidentiality contract, which is normal, but if Kim doesn’t give permission, we can’t get any information about how it’s going” he sighed 

“Well, you did force him, so…” 

“So this is his way of acting out” Kinn scoffed, but then Tankhun raised his arm in the air, slamming it onto the table, startling the others. 

“This is what I’m talking about! He’s keeping us out! He doesn’t want us to know what the shit he’s going through! Ever!” 

“So what?” Kinn sighed. 

“So what?!” 

Tankhun scoffed “You didn’t even know that he and-” then stopped mid-sentence, and the other two leaned forward “he and?” 

“That he and uhm..” 

“He and…” Tankhun struggled to find his sentence again. 

“If it’s about him and Vegas, forget it” Kinn scoffed. 

“Actually” Porsche threw in, 

“What?” 

“I asked Big what he thought about Vegas and Kim being alike” 

“What did he say?!” Tankhun excitedly asked, head raised above the coffee table. Porsche was silent for a moment, “Oh, and did he say anything about the” Tankhun gestured to his throat, and Porsche exhaled “Well, he said that they’re different. He said that Kim is more cold and collected” 

“Even with the neck thing?” 

“He said it was a punishment,” Porsche shrugged. Punishments are punishments after all, but the way Kinn and Tankhun exchanged a worried look wasn’t comforting “what?” He asked. 

“Kim doesn’t give punishments,” Kinn explained, and Porsche shrugged. “Oh, well, there’s a first for everything” 

“Porsche,” Kinn said in a low voice. “Kim doesn’t care about punishment because he doesn’t care about the bodyguards.” Porsche crossed his arms and thought for a moment. 

“So, do you think he’s really losing his mind?” 

Kinn shook his head

“Big probably tried to get into Kim’s business, and it was a warning. It’s nothing” 

“So, we’re going to keep Big watching over Kim? What if Big gets too casual for Kim’s liking again?” 

“He won’t” 

“Where’s Big right now?” Tankhun asked, and Porsche shrugged “why?” 

“Just want to make sure he’s okay” 

"Arm!" Tankhun yelled, as he got up from the floor with the help of Pol.

"Yes, master Khun?" 

"Tell Big I want to see him in my room later, but first escort me!" he pointed in the direction of the main elevator

"Yes sir" and away all three went. 

“Sorry, but your brother signed a client confidentiality contract. I can’t disclose any information to you without his permission” 

“And he hasn’t given it?” Tankhun asked, though already knowing what the answer would be. 

“No,” Dr. Park said with a shake of his head. Tankhun fell onto a chair with a sigh “I can’t believe this!” 

“So there’s nothing you can tell us at all?” Kinn pressed, “well, he needs therapy for sure” Dr. Park replied and Tankhun scoffed

“Yeah obviously. He attacked Big after your session today, and that has never happened before” 

Dr. Park seemed to tense up a bit. “He did?” 

“Yeah” 

“Interesting, but I’m sorry, without his permission I can’t disclose any information” 

“And it doesn’t matter if you were the ones who hired me, or who you are” 

Chapter Text

“Mr. Tankhun, Big is here” Pol announced, with Big standing behind him

“Oh good!” Tankhun’s voice sounded from the room “let him in and leave us” Pol stepped aside and let Big through, who closed the door behind him “Master Tankhun.” Big greeted with a slight bow.

“How are you doing?” Tankhun asked from the couch.

“I’m fine Sir, please don’t worry about me”

“I do, especially now when Kim is not doing okay”

“Mr. Kim is doing fine” Tankhun scoffed exaggeratedly at this. “Don’t lie to me.” then his tone of voice changed. “I know he told you to say that” Big looked at the floor.

“How’s he doing, honestly?” Tankhun then calmly asked

“Well,” Big started out, but then exhaled deeply, raising his head again “Fine, really.”

“Why don’t I believe you? Oh right, because of that” Tankhun spoke, pointing to Big’s neck, and rolling his eyes.

“Sir, it was just a warning, there’s no need to worry. It won’t happen again”

“He’s fine. He’s talking to the therapist. There’s nothing else to tell”

“So you’re not gonna tell me what you did that made him do it?” Big didn’t answer, nor did Tankhun press on. It was silent for a while.

“You know, we can’t get any information about Kim’s sessions. We have no clue what they’re talking about. He’s my brother, but I can’t even know what’s going on with him”

Big had an idea of what Tankhun was going to propose, and though he didn’t like it, there was nothing he could do.

“We need to find a way to get it”

“Yes, sir” was all he could reply, leaving Tankhun’s room with a lump in his throat.

He let out a sigh and began his walk back to his room. He hated walking through the bodyguards’ quarters.

Everyone would look at him for a moment, then act as if he wasn’t there.

It was suffocating, their eyes wandering across him, watching his every move. Even worse now with the bruises on his neck.

Once inside his room, he closed the door, collapsing against it. He let himself slide down, staring into the empty apartment.

He was exhausted from keeping up a facade all day, not just today, but every day. Always keeping it together, when all he wanted to do was leave forever.

Yes, he had his duty, and of course, he wanted to continue it, but the silence in his room was deafening. Killing him.

The lights were turned off, no sign of life at all. Well, there hadn’t really been any these past months anyway. Not since Ken’s death. After all, the one who had been like a brother to him had betrayed him.

He blamed himself because Ken was his friend. They were always together, and yet, he never noticed it. Truly, he was really blinded by his emotions.

“Come on,” he muttered to himself

“you can do it” though it was obvious, he was barely believing in himself anymore.

Perhaps what he needed was not training, but a therapist.

Still, he pulled himself up from the floor with a sigh, to the couch, letting himself fall onto it. His body relaxed, his mind both silent yet spiraling with thoughts. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

His fingers traced his neck, from his jawline, all the way down to the bruises.

“You can do it Big” he muttered, but his heart kept beating fast, and clenching in disagreement.

“You can do it” He needed to calm down, he needed to control himself. How could he be a good bodyguard if he didn’t?

Kim stood out on his balcony, burning with frustration.

Tomorrow was the second session with Dr. Park.

Why did he have to go through this?

What gave them the right to make this intervention?

Why did he need help?

He kept secrets, yes. Valued his privacy too, but hey, they’ve never minded that before. Sure, Tankhun always wanted him to stay home more often, but he’s never been this worried about him.

What could have made him that worried?

“Doesn’t make sense,” he mumbled to himself.

“What does he know?” He walked inside to his cabinet, pulled out a pile of files, and threw them onto his kitchen table.

His heart was beating fast when he sat down, looking at the many files spread across the table.

What could Tankhun possibly know to make him this worried?

He pulled out a notebook too, grabbed his pen, and started digging. Files on past events, people, notes on everything that could’ve meant something to Tankhun, and his worries towards Kim.

Kinn laid awake, head full of thoughts, obvious in the way his brows were furrowed, and the occasional sigh that escaped him.

“What’s on your mind?” Porsche asked, finally having had enough of Kinn’s sighing.

“Nothing…” he replied, slightly shaking his head, but it was obvious

“come on,” Porsche pushed softly, head lying on Kinn’s chest “I know you’re lying”

“It’s just” he sighed

“Khun hates Vegas, and yet he drew a comparison between him and Kim.” Then he sat up, his arm around Porsche, who leaned into him.

“Kim who he raised himself,” Porsche thought back on the conversation he had with Big the other day

“You know, when I talked to Big the other day, right” he started out

“He seemed defensive towards Kim, and I know, maybe that’s just Big. He always has that judgemental look on his face”

“He does,” Kinn agreed with a snicker.

“Maybe it’s nothing” Kinn then suddenly said, “Maybe there’s nothing wrong with Kim”

“Why not just ask Tankhun directly?”

“You already heard the other day. He obviously won’t give an answer, that’s why I’m concerned”

“Maybe it’s just your trust issues”

“Porsche” Kinn’s low voice warned, and Porsche snuggled deeper into him

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that”

Kim ran a hand over his face, exhausted and burned out.

He’s looked through various files, and various episodes, but nothing stood out to him. He glanced at the table, the files, and the messy notes, before staring out on the balcony, when his eyes fell on the discarded file on the coffee table.

Dr. Park’s.

How could he forget that file?

Something in it must explain why Tankhun chose Dr. Park.

“Why do they think you shut them down? Are there any specific episodes during childhood or any recent ones?”

He leaned back in his chair, his mind trailing back to the session.

He could feel himself zone out, going numb, remembering the session.

Porchay.

He took a deep breath, looking back at the files.

What recent episodes caused Tankhun to freak out?

Had he seen the signs since Kim was a child, but ignored them? And if so, why?

Was it something he would only find the answer to through therapy? Was that the point of therapy?

He let out a sigh “That sneaky…” he trailed off, going back to his notebook.

Kim’s reaction to Big escorting Dr. Park inside the apartment was underwhelming.

He only looked up at them for a moment before settling down on the couch in silence.

He didn’t look great, rather he looked tired, and exhausted, but trying his best to hide it.

Dr. Park sat down in the chair opposite Kim with his notepad.

Kim kept an eye on Big as he walked out on the balcony.

“How have you been?” Dr. Park asked, causing Kim to focus back on him.

“Okay” Kim spoke with a shrug. “Emotionally, I’m fine”

“Haven't really been bothered by anything” Dr. Park looked at him in silence for a moment.

“Last time you said you’re okay because you don’t hurt yourself or others”

“And didn’t you tell me I still hurt others by treating them like machines?” there was a light sarcasm in his voice.

“I did, and from what I’ve heard, you hurt someone after our session” Kim let out a sigh, as he turned his head, looking out at Big on the balcony.

“You wanna talk about that?” he asked, turning back to Park who straightened up in his seat

“Yes because your brothers also said that it’s unlike you” Kim looked out of the windows again

“So?”

“What made you react the way you did?”

“He tried to pry into my business” he answered in a monotone voice because it was the truth, and Park nodded with a sigh

“The business you refer to, was that about your emotions? What you were feeling?” Kim looked at him in silence for a moment.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because you were triggered by something last session”

“I’m fine” Kim let out a beat too fast.

“You say that, but you’re obviously not”

Kim didn’t say anything after that, because Park was right, but he didn’t want to accept it. He couldn’t say “I know” because he needed to be fine.

He looked down on the floor.

“Last time, when I mentioned you hurting your family and friends, you shut down” Kim looked up at him shortly, before turning his gaze to the table “Did something happen-”

“-I know I don’t usually hurt people like Big, but he should’ve known. What I did was a warning, not because I couldn’t deal with my feelings” Kim diverted, but Park didn’t believe his excuse. There was something else, but Kim was a mess of denial and trauma he hadn’t processed yet. He needed to open up about it.

“You just don’t want people to know you, yes, but why?” he asked

“Something must have happened, to make you like this” Kim just shrugged silently.

“I’ve always been like this”

“Always?” and Kim slowly nodded “Yeah” as if it was no big deal.

“So you’ve always kept your feelings and thoughts to yourself?” Though Park was calm as usual, Kim noticed the small worry hiding underneath it.

“So you’ve never opened up to anyone before?” Park added, and Kim thought for a moment.

“Maybe… maybe Tankhun when I was a child, but that’s a long time ago” he looked down at his hands, before looking up at Park with a calm expression.

“I quickly learned that you keep your stuff to yourself, and deal with it alone”

“Why did that happen?”

His throat began to close up again, but he took a deep breath. Wherever his mind was going, he didn’t want to see it.

“There wasn’t really any ‘happening’” he answered calmly, looking at Park

“you just learn to do so when you grow up the way we did”

Though Park wanted to push Kim to face what was triggering his emotions, he didn’t want him to close up just yet.

“How did you deal with your emotions then?” he calmly asked, waiting in silence to see if the question would make it or break it.

“Music” Kim answered, not aware of the empty look in his eyes, and Park exhaled in relief.

“I write songs” Kim elaborated, and Park nodded

“Also back then?”

“Yes”

“Did it help?”

Kim might not show what he felt. He might hide it away, but his emotions still welled up, and though he didn’t open up to anyone, he wrote it all down in his songs, because then, just for a moment, he was no longer drowning.

Sure, the songs were not the same as talking it out, finally leaving the ocean for the beach, but it helped. It helped. Opening up would only cause so many wounds and so many scars that have healed to open up again.

Things he didn’t want to remember.

“Yes,” he answered, nodding absentmindedly. He was losing a grip on reality again, but as if hitting a switch, he took a deep breath, shoving it all away again.

It was silent for a moment as neither said anything. Park hoped Kim had something to add, but Kim had closed up again.

“But besides that, no form of comforting, or understanding from anyone?”

“No”

“I kept my things to myself, and coped with it through music, so I didn’t need it”

“I’m gonna pin that for now, let’s talk about something else”

“What?” Kim asked, void of emotion.

“You do realize the reason you shut down your emotions, why you pull away from your family, is due to emotional neglect, right?”

Kim didn’t say anything, and Park wasn’t sure if it was because he knew, or was breaking down from the realization.

“You don’t want to accept it” he stated after a while “You’re deep in denial”

“I know my childhood wasn’t perfect, but why does it matter?” Kim’s monotone voice sounded and Park let out a sigh

“You know, you’re emotionally unavailable, and you know you shut your emotions down”

“Yeah”

“Then you must understand that in order to make you realize why you need help, we need to open up those wounds, and we need to clean them because if we don’t, they’re going to get worse”

Kim’s eyes were empty, his face blank, and Park knew he was gone. He didn’t want to face it, still didn’t want to admit he needed help because he truly believed he was fine. Perhaps he knew he wasn’t fine, but believed he had to be.

“You’re only going to get worse if you continue like this”

“So what?” a low reply sounded, and Park was taken aback. Kim would rather break down, than face it all, instead of opening up. He was not okay at all.

“Remember what we talked about last time? You being like this hurts others because you push them away”

Kim didn’t answer, but sat up, taking a deep breath.

All he could see was Porchay crying

“Did you ever love me?”

“Maybe it’s better that way” he muttered, still not looking at Park.

“Why do you think that?” Kim didn’t answer “

Because it is” he wanted to say

“Because it’s too late”

“You know it’s hurting you, shutting it down, keeping it all inside”

“Yeah, but most days I don’t notice the pain”

“Why do you believe it’s emotional neglect?” Kim then quickly diverted, before Park could react. Park wanted to rewind back to that sentence, because that right there, was what made Kim believe he was okay.

“Because it is, Kim,” he said instead. He’s still earning Kim’s trust.

“It’s emotional neglect because they didn’t respond to your emotional needs”

“And this belief that you should deal with it yourself, shutting down your emotions, It’s a form of neglect”

Kim didn’t say anything again, but Park could hear his breathing getting quicker.

“What does that mean then? That I’m messed up? Broken?” he snickered.

“Do you think you’re broken?” Park calmly asked, and the silence that fell was deafening and tense. It was enough for Park to understand that Kim knew he wasn’t okay, but couldn’t admit it still.

“I’m fine” he spoke after a while, and Dr. Park let out a deep breath.

“Kim. there’s a lot we need to unravel before we can piece you back together, and you need to be honest to yourself” Kim scoffed, crossing his arms.

“You need to be honest about yourself, and face what you are suppressing, avoiding” Kim looked away, with a bored expression on his face, but Park knew he was listening, he was again, just avoiding himself.

“Until our next session, I want you to become more honest with yourself, and accept that you’re not okay, because you know you’re not okay. You’re not supposed to be fine all the time Kim”

But I should be.

“I need to” he muttered.

Sure, you’re not supposed to be perfect, or fine, but he needed to be. If he wasn’t, then who?

How would he be able to do what he does?

“I know you don’t want this, I know you don’t want therapy, but a part of you know”

“A part of you want it, but you’re too afraid of facing it, facing that part of yourself”

“Maybe…” Kim muttered.

There was a coldness in his eyes, one that was calm, and collected, but scary as the deep ocean that could hide a storm beneath its waves. It sent shivers down Park’s spine, but he stayed calm.

Truly, Kim was a peculiar person.

“The faster you accept you need this, understand you need it, the easier it’ll be to help you figure everything else out” Kim didn’t reply, but stayed silent, trapped somewhere deep in his mind.

“Kim, do you understand what I told you to do?”

“Accept… that I need therapy” he replied coldly.

“Good,” Park spoke and got up from the chair.

“I’ll see you again next week then, Kim” and left with the other bodyguards, while Big stayed behind again. Kim’s order.

“What does Tankhun know?” he asked, his tone softer than usual. Big didn’t answer, and Kim turned to him with cold eyes.

“I asked you a question” and this time, the coldness in his voice was back and Big turned his gaze downwards.

“Know about what sir?”

Kim let out a sigh

“What do you think?”

A nervous breath escaped Big, as he wondered what to say.

“I don’t know sir”

“Lies” Big froze at Kim’s venomous voice.

How did he know?

“Sir, I don’t know what he knows” Kim scoffed and got up from his seat.

“So you’re telling me,” he started out, slowly making his way towards Big “as the one who’s been taking care of me for, what? The last 3? 4? months, that he doesn’t know any of the things we’ve done, that you haven’t told him?”

He was standing right in front of Big, who was avoiding his glare

“No sir” he muttered “I haven’t told him”

“Then what does Tankhun know?!” Kim snapped, almost grabbing Big by his neck again, but stopped himself. They both looked at his hand for a moment, inches away from Big’s neck.

“What made him get Dr. Park?” Kim asked in a softer voice, withdrawing his hand.

Big still didn’t answer, heart, beating fast, and Kim turned away from him, sitting down again.

He just wanted answers. He just wanted to know what his brother thought of him.

Big watched as Kim began unraveling again, staring into the air, with empty eyes.

“I need to figure out what he knows Big. I need you to figure out what he knows if you truly don’t know it already”

“Ye-yes sir” Big stuttered, then made his way through the apartment. When he walked past the dining table with countless files, his eyes fell on the file labeled “Ken”.

Kim turned around, hearing his footsteps stop, and asked with a snicker “What? You wanna see bloody pictures of your dead friend?” Big froze, and his fingers lingered on the table.

“What about the traitor?”

Porsche and Kinn shared a look, the others looking at them in silence

“We found him”

“He’s dead”

“ Who was it?” No one said anything.

“Don’t worry, Big, you should rest”

“Where’s, where’s Ken?” A tense silence filled the hospital room

“ Where is he?” They were still silent, and Big understood.

His mind was full of denial, telling him it wasn’t true. Ken would never do that, but Porsche took a step closer to the bed “Ken…”

“Ken was the traitor, he’s dead”, all Big remembered after that was the guilt, and the grief, washing over him.

He turned away from the table and left the apartment.

Kim sat on the couch for a while, not believing what Big had told him.

He must know, he must’ve told Tankhun because nothing Kim had gone through already could've caused Tankhun to do this.

He walked over to the table, looking over his notes. He glanced at the file Big had eyed earlier, putting it aside, then turned back to his notes, pulling out notes he had avoided.

His heart clenched as he looked at the name.

Porchay.

Did he know about Porchay?

His knuckles turned white from how tight he was clenching his fists.

“I didn’t even want this” he mumbled “I didn’t even want therapy, why would I…” he trailed off, voice straining from tears forming in the wall around his heart. He could barely focus on his mission with all of this happening. He was supposed to figure out the truth, but now he had to face the truth inside himself. Still, he ignored everything, as much as possible, and tried to figure out Tankhun’s intention. How close was Tankhun to Porchay?

Chapter Text

“Big, I need you to bug his apartment” Tankhun spoke as soon as Big entered the former’s room.

“Excuse me? Sir.” he blurted out, regaining his composure immediately after. Tankhun turned to him with a raised eyebrow

“Is there a problem with that?”

He wanted to say yes, as his stomach was churning around, but he couldn’t. Why did Tankhun wish to know about his brother this badly? He didn’t ask, he already knew why.

“No, Sir” he replied, looking down at the floor.

“How was he today?”

“Fine,” he replied “Tired it seemed”

“Do you know why?” Big shook his head, “No” hoping Tankhun didn’t notice his lie.

“Did he hurt you today?” and Big shook his head

“No sir”

“Sir, if I may ask”

“Why would you go as far as bugging his apartment? If he finds out, won’t he hate you?”

“Me? No, Kim loves me” Tankhun chuckled “I raised him myself”, a playful and smug grin on his face.

“Of course Sir” Big replied, looking down at the floor again. It was silent again for a while.

“How was he really today?”

“As I said Sir, tired”

“Your eyes are telling me you’re hiding something” Big took a deep breath, trying to slow down his heart.

He didn’t like this. If he said anything to Tankhun, Kim would come after his life.

“This is for his own best, believe me, he’s going to get better, but I need to know so I can help him more” Big looked at Tankhun for a moment, then exhaled.

“He didn’t hurt me” he calmly answered, and Tankhun leaned back in his seat, listening attentively

“He stopped himself before he did, so he’s fine,” he ended.

After that, he went directly to Arm for the tech needed to bug Kim’s apartment.

How was he going to do it?

Why was he actually thinking of doing it?

He was so lost in his thoughts, he didn’t even realize he had arrived at the armory until Arm waved a hand in his face.

“Big” he called out, and the latter turned to him, gathering himself while Arm watched with a worried look.

“I need equipment for bugging”

“Going out on a job?” he questioned “I thought you were grounded?” he asked, yet got up to find the equipment.

“I am,” Big vaguely replied, heart beating out of his chest. He knew Arm could see the conflict inside, on his face, but maybe, if Big ignored it he would leave it alone.

Arm looked at him with a mix of confusion and curiosity, and though Big didn’t want to elaborate, he caved in. Perhaps he wanted Arm to know, to talk him out of it, to tell him it’s stupid and wrong.

“Tankhun needs me to bug someone’s apartment”

“Oh, so he’s still keeping you here” Big nodded somewhat “Yeah” he sighed, the truth pressing on in his throat, wanting to spill so he could get told off so that he’s not alone in this.

“It’s emotional neglect”

Kim didn’t want to think about it, face all of it, but he couldn’t stop it.

He tried to ignore Dr. Park’s words in his head, but it was impossible. Every week, he would be forced to look it in the eyes, and he hated it. He had kept it away, kept it hidden away for so long, so why, why now?

Why did Tankhun insist he was broken, that he was the one who was broken?

“He has no business doing this” he muttered, “to make me go through this!”

No, it’s not his fault, but it is, isn’t it?

He’s the reason I’m in this position. Why I am here, why I’m breaking down?

He looked back at the dining table. If he could figure out what Tankhun knew, he could fix it, face those issues, and move on. No more therapy.

Why did he even need it?

“You know it’s hurting you”

So what? So what if it was hurting him?

So what if he was shutting down?

He’s who he is, and so what?

“You hurt those you care about”

“SHUT UP” he yelled, shoving the files from the dining table, which scattered across the floor.

His hands were over his ears, eyes closed, as if it would shut out the memories of Porchay forcing their way into his head.

“I hurt him” he muttered

“I hurt him so much”

“What? You wanna see bloody pictures of your dead friend?”

Kim had called Ken his friend, and not a traitor as everyone else had called him.

Big was fidgeting with the mics he was supposed to hide in Kim’s apartment.

He had called Ken his friend, why?

No, Kim didn’t care about him. That’s not it.

He let out a deep sigh. He’s not supposed to see Ken as his friend anymore anyway. He was a traitor, he had sold them out.

He put the equipment away, falling back on the couch. He didn’t want to bug Kim’s apartment. He was ordered to take care of Kim, not Tankhun. The therapy, surely was to help him, but if they wanted to help him, they should let him do it his way, shouldn’t they?

The cafeteria was loud, deafening almost, yet Big’s table was quiet and empty, mostly because he was alone. He hated every second of being there. He tried to ignore the voices, tried to shut them out, and not look at any of them.

He knew they were looking at him, knew they were avoiding him.

After all, he was supposed to protect Kinn and he failed. After all, he had failed at his job, and now he’s, now he’s barely even a bodyguard if anything.

He didn’t even have an appetite to eat. He was just pushing the food around on his plate, trying to find it appetizing, to find a craving, but there was nothing.

He finally put down the fork and got up with a sigh.

All he wanted was to rest and be left alone, just left alone.

“They should start saying ‘Do not betray the family unless you want to end up as a head on a stick!’ When training the newbies-“ The bodyguard stopped talking as another one nudged him, noticing Big walking past their table.

Big pretended he didn’t hear them, just as he had done all the other times. They were always throwing comments around only to shut up when Big came near as if they were hiding something. It made him anxious. He knew the comments were about Ken, but joking about something like that? As if anyone deserved to lose their head. As if Ken deserved to lose his-

A nauseous feeling started to well up inside of him, slowly crawling up through his throat, and he couldn’t breathe.

Was someone squeezing his heart? It hurt, it hurt so much he wanted to rip it out.

He leaned onto the wall outside the cafeteria, unable to keep himself upright “Come on” he muttered, his voice shaking, “move!” but he couldn’t, and he fell to his knees, trying to keep the sobs from spilling, to stop himself from falling apart.

“How are you supposed to protect anyone like this?!” He muttered to himself.

You’re weak! Broken!

He didn’t deserve to be alive. He was a failure.

“I’m fine” he muttered in a shaky voice.

He took a deep breath “I’m fine”

“I can do it” and slowly got up, his arm on the wall to support himself. “I can do it” slowly making his way to the elevator.

“He’s not okay at all” Porsche muttered from afar, having seen Big fall apart. He turned around and left, deciding to approach Big at a better time.

“Kinn, why do you look so worried?” Tay asked, as his friend hadn’t said more than a few words since their arrival

“Khun forced Kim into therapy” Porsche answered for him, to Kinn’s dismay, who turned to him.

“Oh,” Tay softly replied, leaning back in his chair, Time’s arm resting on the back of it.

“You don’t like it?”

Kinn let out a distressed sigh “It’s not-” he let out another sigh “I signed off on it too, but I just, I don’t feel good about it. I worry”

“He hasn’t heard anything from Kim since it started” Kinn turned to Porsche again, but Porsche ignored his glare, and put a hand on his thigh instead, telling him to calm down.

“Well, it’s not like you’re on speaking terms anyway” Time chimed in, and Kinn turned to him with a dark look, and Time’s usual smug grin fell.

“Why did you agree?” Tay calmly asked his friend, who took a moment to answer.

“I thought it might help him come back, but now I’m not so sure”

“He hasn’t been home since… since before the invasion. Khun hasn’t heard from him either. It’s been months!”

“Well, you did also send him to therapy without talking to him face to face” Tay spoke “I know you meant well, but does Kim know you did it because you want to be close again? Maybe you should have said that before signing off on the therapy”

Kinn's face turned soft, deep in thought at Tay's words.

"You're right" was all he said.

Chapter Text

“I’m okay” Big whispered to himself again inside his dark room “I’m okay” but he didn’t feel anywhere near okay.

He slid down the door, closing his eyes. 

“I hate this” he muttered, voice breaking again.

Then his phone lit up with a single text, and he scrambled to get up from the floor, ready to leave this depressing room. 

He threw his door open, almost hitting Porsche who was standing right outside. “Woah!” Porsche called out, wobbling a few steps back

“Sorry” 

“Are you okay?” Porsche asked softly, seeing his hurried state “Yeah, I just have to go somewhere” 

“Did you need anything?” 

“No it’s fine, it can wait till later” Porsche replied with a gesture of his hand, and Big hurried past him. 

His heart was beating fast and loud as he neared the door. He took a deep breath, hoping his heart would calm down. It barely helped. 

“Sir, it’s me” he announced, the door buzzed and he took a few quiet, hesitant steps inside. 

“I need you to tell me the truth,” Kim said from the couch, but Big was focused on the folders scattered on the floor. 

“Did you not hear me?” and Big regained his posture. 

“What truth, sir” he softly asked, and he could hear Kim let out a sigh. 

“What Khun knows. I’m going to ask you again, and you’re going to tell me the truth.” His voice was calm, but underneath was a hint of frustration. Pain.

“You know what’s gonna happen if you don't,” Kim’s calm voice threatened. 

Big took a deep breath again “Your brothers will notice if you hurt me” 

“I’ll just hurt you where they won’t then,” he calmly replied, finally turning around to face Big.

His eyes were cold, and Big’s heart stopped beating, a shiver going down his spine. 

He looked down at the floor again, his heart beating faster than ever. He couldn’t tell him the truth, he was not supposed to.

He’s a bodyguard of the main family, loyal to them, but he was also watching over Kim? 

He could hear Kim get up from the couch, his calm footsteps slowly coming closer. 

“I don’t like repeating myself, especially when you’re supposed to obey my orders” 

His steps came to a halt, but Big didn’t dare look up at him.

His breath hitched as Kim suddenly leaned in close to him, his breath on his ear “Or are you too broken of a bodyguard to do that?” 

No, he wanted to reply. Maybe he truly was broken but not that broken. No matter how broken, he’ll still take orders from the family, from the ones whom he owes his life, but he couldn’t tell Kim the truth. If he did, he wouldn’t trust him, he’d know he was working for Tankhun too. 

Kim’s hand suddenly held his cast ever so softly, and Big knew it wasn’t out of pity or sympathy. 

He sunk the lump in his throat. After a moment of silence, he finally spoke. 

“Why are the folders on the floor?” 

Big fell to the ground with a groan, pain shooting through his arm, and his heart pounding loudly in his ears. 

Kim only looked at him with bored eyes, as he kept a tight grip on his arm, and Big looked away from him trying to breathe, to calm his heart. He wanted to tell him to let go, beg if he had to, but what would he be if he did?

Pathetic. 

“You could’ve just answered my question Big” Kim spoke, his grip loosening a bit. 

“Tell me- I mean what do you have left to lose?” he taunted again, letting go of Big’s arm, who held it close to his body, his other hand shaking as it held the arm. 

“You lost your friend, your position, trust, your love . What more do you have to lose?” Big didn’t answer, only staring at the broken cast.

What did he have to lose?

The main family knew he was broken, they knew he was not fit to be there anymore. He’s lost everything, everything but… everything but working for them, to gain back their trust.

What did he have left to lose? 

His life . 

“It’s… It’s” he tried to speak, but his throat closed up. He could feel Kim’s glare on him 

“It’s Porchay” he took in a shaky breath, his chest feeling lighter, yet his heart clenched.

“What?” Kim replied with a hint of shock in his cold voice. 

He crouched down in front of Big, “What does he know?” 

“Tankhun knows about the two of you” he choked out, “he knows about Yok’s bar-”

“-You told him” 

Big’s heart clenched again at his cold, but disappointed voice.

“I didn’t-” he tried to mutter, but Kim had already gotten up and turned his back to him.

“You need to figure out where your loyalty lies Big”  

“I didn’t tell him” he spoke louder. 

Kim was silent for a moment, and Big was sure he froze, before turning back to him “From now on, just do as I say,” and Big nodded. 

“Instead of forcing me to do something I don’t want to” 

“Yes… Yes sir” 

Porsche was walking around the mansion after his run-in with Big when he heard the sound of a guitar echoing through the halls. 

He turned a corner and followed the soft tune to the balcony. 

“I haven’t heard you playing in a while” he threw at his brother who sat with his guitar out on the balcony. 

Porchay turned to his brother who was leaning on the doorframe “Bro” he muttered in a greeting, then turned back to the night view of the city, while Porsche walked out and sat down beside him.

“Is it because of the university?” he asked, and Porchay’s look faltered. Porsche put his arm around Porchay’s shoulders “Don’t worry, you’ll get a chance next year. It’s their fault for rejecting you” he said with an encouraging smile, and Porchay looked at him, a small smile on his lips, but the guilt was heavy in his heart. “Mhm,” he nodded. “Yeah” 

It was silent for a while, Porsche looking out on the city, Porchay looking at the balcony floor. 

“It’s going to be okay” Porsche comforted, pulling Porchay closer.

“How are you though?” Porchay asked, not being able to stand the silence anymore, knowing he was keeping secrets from his brother. Porsche looked down at Porchay “I'm fine” 

“Really?” Porchay asked with a raised eyebrow

“you’re the leader of the minor family. Do you really expect me to believe you?” 

Porsche gave Porchay a sheepish smile “You shouldn’t have to worry about that” but Porchay was still serious as ever.

“You’re my family. My brother,” Porsche looked at him in silence for a moment. 

“I’m fine. You shouldn’t know too much about this world. It’s awful” 

“Well, it’s a little too late isn’t it?”

Porsche was silent again, then let out a soft snicker, earning a curious look from his brother. 

“I guess you’re right, but I’m trying to keep you safe” 

“I don’t think I can be any safer than I am here already” Porsche didn’t say anything in a while, just thinking about something, eyes drifting.

“You know, Kinn isn’t close to his younger brother” he finally spoke, and Porchay tried to hide his curiosity. 

“Kim, right?” 

Porsche nodded “I think something really bad happened” 

“Tankhun never mentioned they fought,” Porchay replied, recalling the time Tankhun told him about their family.

Porsche leaned back “I can’t imagine losing contact like that, and just, never…” he shook his head as he let the sentence fade out. 

“Well, you did leave me with no way of contacting you” Porchay shot back with a shrug

“Okay, but that was to protect you, that’s different” 

“How can you be sure?” 

“Because why else would you force your brother, who left, to go to therapy?”  

“What?!” Porchay exclaimed. “What?” he calmly repeated, regaining his composure.

“Yeah,” Porsche replied, nodding. 

“I don’t get it, but then again, their family is odd,” he shrugged. Porchay held the guitar a bit tighter, softly nodding “mhm” 

It was quiet again, Porsche turning to the night sky once more, and Porchay’s mind spiraling with the thought of Kim being forced into therapy.

“Why, why would they force him? Why do they think he needs it?” he cautiously asked, and Porsche shrugged “I’m not sure, all I know, is that Khun believes Kim and Vegas are alike. That’s all I know” 

“That’s odd…” Porchay muttered to himself, and Porsche turned to him “Yeah, it is” watching his brother slip through reality, his mind somewhere far away. 

“Well, I’m tired, so I’m gonna go,” Porchay then announced, with a sigh, and got up “mhm” Porsche replied, following his brother.

“Chay, I know we haven’t spent a lot of time together lately, but I’ll fix that” an arm placed around his brother’s shoulders once again. Porchay nodded “It’s fine, you have a lot of responsibility” 

“You’re my responsibility too” 

Porchay rolled his eyes, but a smile broke out on his lips “I’m 18” 

“And don’t worry, I’ve been trying to get to know mom” and even if he was still smiling, the look in his eyes told Porsche he wasn’t. 

It’s no secret it’s been hard with their mom. She’s not herself, and even if Porsche pretended not to notice it most of the time, something about it didn’t feel right. 

He didn’t know what to say, so he pulled Chay closer “It’s going to be okay, sleep well okay?” 

“I will”

Chapter Text

I should’ve told him.

His hurried steps echoed through the hallways.

I should’ve told him.

He looked down at his cast. The pain had lessened, but his heart was still beating out of his chest. He came to a stop.

Why didn’t I tell him?

Why didn’t he tell Kim about the bugs? Why didn’t he come clean?

"I’m an idiot!" he muttered to himself, then continued to the doctor.

A sigh of relief escaped him as the small office was empty.

He sat down on a stool and took a deep breath, staring at his cast. His heart was loud in his ears, afraid of what he would see once he took it off. With shaky fingers, he slowly took off his cast, his arm hot and pounding from the incident still.

It was red, irritated, and thinner than he remembered it to be. There was the scar from the surgery, and faint traces of the stings he had removed a few weeks ago.

It fit the rest of him perfectly, broken, and in need of healing.

There was also bruising from Kim’s grip. He traced over it, shaking more, and tears fought in the corners of his eyes.

How much it affected his recovery, he didn’t want to know. As if he even deserved to recover.

“What happened?” a voice sounded behind Big, and he turned his head to see the doctor walk into the office. “I just… accidentally hurt me” he vaguely explained, and the doctor sat down in front of him, inspecting his arm.

“You know this is going to delay your return, right?” Big’s heart sank, and his throat closed up.

He nodded “Yes…”

“How long?” he cautiously asked, and the doctor shrugged “maybe a week, maybe longer. It depends on how bad it is, and if the bone was damaged” Big nodded “There’s some new bruising” the doctor commented, and Big didn’t say anything, just looking in silence as the doctor finished checking his arm, heart beating out of his chest.

I should’ve just told him.

“From now on, just do as I say,”

“Instead of forcing me to do something I don’t want to”

It was almost as if he regretted it, and felt guilty about it. Kim didn’t want to hurt him, he didn’t enjoy it. He didn’t do it because he was angry, frustrated, or purely because he could, but because Big didn’t do his job.

Whatever Tankhun said about Kim and Vegas being alike, they’re not. Kim didn’t want to hurt him.

“How… how bad is it?” His voice was shaky, and he tried to stay calm.

“Let's get your arm scanned first” the doctor spoke with a small smile

"I’ll inform them of the delay, in the meantime” he continued, and Big nodded “Yes”.

When he got inside his room, a sentence echoed through his head.

"Must feel like the whole world hates you”

He let himself settle down on the floor.

He didn’t blame Kim, resent him, for saying so because he was right. It was as if life told him to give up.

He closed his eyes, resting against the door.

He couldn’t even do his job right, torn between the main family and Kim.

He didn’t deserve to be here.

“Has it been a week already?” Kim commented when Big escorted Park inside a few days later.

He still hadn’t told Kim about the bugs he still hadn’t planted even though Tankhun had been nagging him about it.

It’s only been a week anyway.

“Yes, and have you done what I asked of you?” Park replied, sitting down opposite Kim who threw a bitter smile.

Big looked around as he made his way toward the balcony. The folders were no longer on the floor, but they were still placed in a messy pile on the table.

Kim looked exhausted, as though he hadn’t slept in days. Usually, he didn’t sleep a lot, Big was well aware. He was always searching, investigating, but this time it was worse. It was visible.

Kim still hadn’t answered the question, when Big made his way outside, just staring into the air, thinking.

“I can’t be vulnerable when I can’t trust anyone. Knowing they can’t be trusted, I need to be aware of what they’re doing” Kim explained calmly.

“What led you to that conclusion?” Park asked, notepad out, and a curious look in his calm eyes that also gave Kim the feeling he disagreed.

“My brothers made this happen, and they had my bodyguard-” he nodded towards Big “in on it too, so, if that’s not proof, then” he shrugged with a bored look, but Park didn’t seem to be fazed, only writing something down, before moving on.

“Something’s been bothering you?”

“No, not really. I’m usually not bothered by anything” Kim shrugged

“Isn’t that because you isolate yourself?”

“So?”

“There’s a difference between avoiding things that bother you and not really being bothered by things” Kim only stared at him in silence, eyes empty and cold.

“Like acting as if nothing is wrong by ignoring what’s wrong” Park elaborated, but Kim still didn’t say anything.

“Just like how you said last time that most days you don’t notice the pain” he softly tapped his notepad with his pen.

“I think it’s the same reason you’re avoiding going home, and well, everything else in general”

“I haven’t been home because my brothers forced me to go to therapy,” Kim replied in a calm voice.

“And not because you don’t want to show that it bothers you?”

“And to avoid triggers?” Kim was silent again, looking away from Park.

“No,” he calmly replied, but the emptiness only told Park he had shut down again. Put a wall between him and his emotions.

“But you clearly said it does bother you, being here,” and Kim’s eyes turned colder, warning Park to stop digging.

“You said you can’t open up, because you need to focus on keeping an eye on them, because you can’t trust them”

“You’re using that as an excuse to avoid your feelings” Kim scoffed sarcastically

“How can I open up, when I can’t trust them?” Park sat in silence for a moment at Kim’s response.

“I get that you believe you can’t show what you feel in case it’s used against you-”

“Because it was,” Kim interrupted in a low voice, his cold eyes staring into Park’s soul “More than once” he added, his eyes softer this time. Park took a deep breath, and stayed quiet, waiting for Kim to open up, eyes looking down at the couch.

“I know why he thinks I need this” he started out, looking up at Park. A silence fell between them as Kim fought with himself.

He took a deep breath and tried to rid himself of the returning feelings. The guilt lured around in the bottom of his stomach.

“He found out-” He paused to take a deep breath “He knows things I’ve done that I didn’t want anyone to know, something I regret”

“Someone, you hurt?” Park cautiously asked, in fear Kim would close up, but to his surprise, the other hesitantly nodded.

“I didn’t know for sure until recently, but I always thought it might have been that” He paused again.

“That, whatever reason Tankhun wanted me in therapy, it must be a recent incident, and not from the past” he continued, his fingers tapping the couch softly. If Park was surprised, he didn’t show it.

Obviously, this must be what had been pressing on during the previous sessions.

“They got hurt, and I didn’t want to risk it happening again because of me, so I distanced myself to protect them,” a shaky breath left Kim “and I broke their heart doing so,” his eyes were soft even if he tried to hide it, the pain lingering was small, but it was there in his eyebrows, in the corners of his lips, twitching ever so slightly.

“And do you still care about them?” Park didn’t have to ask, but he still did, just to see if Kim would be honest.

He didn’t answer, but they both knew.

“This is why you said ‘maybe it’s better that way’ last session? About getting worse and pushing others away?”

Kim inhaled sharply and was silent for a moment before looking back up at Park, eyes glassy, but a calm expression on his face

“Can we talk about something else?” Park was silent for a moment

“Of course, but this is progress Kim” he then replied, writing something down, before leaning forward in his seat.

“Even though I don’t believe breaking someone’s heart screams therapy, there are other things that have emerged, and you’ve made progress opening up right now” Kim looked down at the floor again.

“You’ve bottled it up for a long time, and we’ve finally started to release some of the pressure within you” Kim kept quiet, seemingly listening, but his mind was far away.

“Don’t you feel a little lighter?” He asked, leaning back in his seat again. Kim didn’t answer, but he thought about it.

He could breathe, not the same as when he wrote his songs and was able to sing them out, scream for help in the deep ocean, slowly drowning.

No, it was more, as if he was closer to reaching land, reaching shallow water. It was scary, terrifying.

He looked up at Park, trying to gather his thoughts.

“I feel fine,” he said with a small smile, but it wasn’t entirely a lie.

“Really?”

“You say you’re fine, but then you open up and it’s clear you’re not”

When Kim didn’t answer, Park let out a sigh, tapping his pen down on his notepad “Earlier we talked about avoiding problems, and living alone” he started out, Kim listening with a calm but cold expression.

“It’s normal to feel misunderstood”

“I don't,” Kim calmly interjected.

Park looked at him with a calm expression, but Kim could see it clearly on his face “Bullshit” but he never said it.

“So you don’t hate these sessions, that you think are a misunderstanding?” Kim didn’t reply because it was true.

“You just accept every assumption they make?” Park continued, even when Kim’s stare was burning into his soul “About why you left, and why you hurt this person?”

He was distancing himself, shutting down for his emotions to avoid what was lingering at the bottom. Guilt, regret. Anger.

“You just accept that they hate you and will never understand you and that’s fine?” A moment of silence.

“Yes,” Kim could sense the frustration, lingering in Park, behind his calm facade, as he let out a deep exhale.

“Because that’s who you are, who you chose to be. You make choices that you can’t tell them about, and then you shove the pain, the guilt, all of it away, and hide away in this apartment”

Kim looked at him with a bored look “And your point is?” But his eyes were glassy.

“You avoid everyone, so you can stay in denial, so you can be perfect” he ended, and Kim was silent, his breathing unstable though he tried to hide it.

“Kim, you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to take on this weight, it’s just unnecessary pain”

Kim still didn’t reply, but something in his eyes changed

“It’s not unnecessary, it’s not meaningless,” they said, because if it was, then what? What did he have? What excuses did he have for cutting everyone out, for choosing himself, and his life?

“Kim” he called, but Kim only looked down at the floor, thinking.

“What weight are you talking about?” he asked, raising his head “What weight do you think I’m carrying?” he continued, and Park leaned closer “Are you worried that I’ve talked to your brothers?”

“I’m just curious” he shrugged, and Park exhaled “Kim, I’m a therapist, specializing in emotional trauma response”

Kim didn’t say anything, only staring at him “Please, go ahead then” he spoke, and Park took a deep breath.

“You distanced yourself from someone you care about to protect them, even if it meant you had to become the villain, even if it hurt you. The burden is the pain you’re hiding, that you’re taking on by pushing people away” he paused for a second to make sure Kim was following.

“Often, people who shove their emotions aside, do it because, just like you, they think they’re a weakness. Being in pain, sad, and hurt, that’s not perfect, it’s being weak. Perfect is being controlled, rational, and without emotions”

Kim was silent for a moment.

”And all of this comes from emotional neglect?” he asked in a small but deep voice, and a bitter smile on his lips.

“Well, and emotional abuse, possibly” Park added.

“So now I’ve been abused too?” Kim responded with a snicker.

“Have you?” he then calmly shot back, and Kim fell quiet.

“Well emotional abuse stems in humiliation, threats, gaslighting, and well…” Park paused for a moment “Emotional neglect” he gestured with a nod.

It was quiet for a while as Kim processed what Park had just said.

“Does it matter?” he then asked, calm and cold.

“If it helps you accept therapy, then yes” He was quiet again, and let out a deep breath

“You asked me if I feel misunderstood,” he started out, shifting slightly.

“You’re right,” he added, and though Park didn’t show it, there was a hint of curiosity in his eyes.

“I am angry, frustrated” he exhaled “I hate that my brother sent me to therapy when he’s the one who needs it the most”

“I’m angry that he acts like everything he does is okay, that he gets to act however he wants-“

Then he stopped himself and took a deep breath, the anger subsiding again.

“It doesn’t matter” he then muttered, eyes cold.

Park didn’t say anything for a moment, just letting Kim close himself up.

“Don’t tell yourself it doesn’t matter when it matters to you” Kim didn’t say anything, and Park let out another sigh.

“I suppose that’s another bridge we’ll cross when we get to it”

“Are we done?” Kim simply asked, and Park leaned back in his seat “Almost, but Kim, I am here to help you,”

“Whatever your brother thinks you need therapy for, it’s not it. It’s not because you broke someone’s heart. You and I both know that. Your brother doesn’t know and he won’t”

Kim sat still for a moment, while Park got up from his chair. How could Park know for sure he wouldn’t find out?

Seeing Park get up, Big walked inside, lingering by the balcony door.

“You don’t trust me”

“I want to,” Kim calmly spoke “but I also know my brothers have their ways of getting what they want”

Big froze for a moment.

He couldn’t be referring to something specific, right?

“Don’t you think they’ll respect your privacy?” Park asked, and Big tried to keep his cool as much as he could, hoping they couldn’t hear his heart beating out of his chest.

“I hope, but I know they probably won’t” his eyes were calm, and he sat relaxed in his seat, but Big couldn’t help but feel exposed.

There’s no way for him to know, right?

How would he know?

“What would make you trust someone?” Kim didn’t reply for a moment but then “I’d probably hurt them until I was sure they’re loyal. Constantly testing them to see what it would take” and looked Park right in the eye, void of emotion, cold and piercing

“Everyone has a price”

All blood drained from Big’s face.

He knew.

How did he know?

He tried to stay calm, acting as if nothing was wrong, but his heart was pounding out of his chest.

Park nodded at Kim’s response.

“Well, I’ll see you next week Kim”

“Yes,” Kim replied, bidding him goodbye.

“Big” Kim then called out to the bodyguard walking Park to the door

“Yes sir?” he replied, walking back over to him.

“Keep your ears open for any rumors or whispering around the mansion. I haven’t been there for a few months, so I don’t know what’s going on”

“Yes, sir” He nodded hesitantly “Anything in particular?”

“No,” Kim replied

“How’s your arm?” and Big placed a hand on his cast “It’s fine, sir” he reassured.

Only a week’s delay in his recovery. Just a week.

Chapter Text

Big’s heart was beating fast, as he neared the apartment. It was finally time to do what Tankhun had asked of him, even if everything screamed at him not to. Kim was at the university, so the apartment was empty, but the fear of Kim suddenly showing up, had Big’s hand shaking as he typed in the code for the door.  

He kept looking around for the right place to hide the microphones, but every time he found a spot, he shook his head, telling himself it wasn’t the right one. 

He was stalling. 

He came to a stop in front of the couch, and his breath hitched. 

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bug Kim’s apartment. He never wanted to do it ever since he was told to, so why did he show up here while Kim was gone? 

Did he want Kim to catch him red-handed? Did he want to prove to Kim that yes, his brothers didn’t care about his privacy? 

At the sound of the door opening, Big’s heart stopped beating, and he slowly turned around.

“What are you doing here?” Kim asked, slowly walking into the apartment. His voice might have been calm and soft, but his eyes were cold.

Big took a deep breath, and put on a calm face. 

“Sir, I’ve been ordered to bug your apartment” he blurted out, finally getting rid of the secret which had been weighing on him. 

He held out his hand, the microphones resting in his palm.

There was no sign of shock or anger on Kim’s face, just disappointment, as though he was tired, so, so tired, yet it was hidden behind his cold face. 

He didn’t say anything for a while, only walked past Big and sat down on the couch.  

“Sir,” he calmly let out, hoping for Kim to say something, anything to end this tortuous silence. 

“I know you told me to be honest,” he began to kneel down on the floor, “and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you” Kim didn’t reply, and only looked out on the balcony. 

“Tankhun?” his low voice sounded, still not looking at Big, who was on his knees, head hanging low in shame. 

“Yes, sir,” he nodded.

It was silent again for a while, and Big’s heart sped up, beating louder and louder in his ears. 

A sigh escaped Kim

“You need to sort out your loyalty” he started out. “I know you want to be loyal to the main family, but you’re assigned to me. You’re supposed to be working for me, are you not?” 

“Yes sir” Big replied, looking down on the floor. 

“How can you prove your worth to them, when you can’t even do what you’re asked?” 

“Please do whatever is necessary,” Big replied, expecting a punishment from Kim. “Whatever you need to do. If Tankhun finds out-”

“Isn’t that your own fault?” Kim interrupted, cold eyes staring Big down, then he turned away from him again. 

“I won’t hurt you” and Big looked up, surprise evident in his eyes. 

“Tell him, I found out, and I threatened to hurt you if anything like this happened again” 

Big let out a relieved breath, but his heart still beat out of his chest. 

“Yes sir” 

“Anything else you haven’t told me?” 

“Tankhun compared you to Vegas” 

Kim scoffed “Really?” 

“Yes, sir” 

It was silent for a moment and Big stood tense, not knowing if he should leave or not. 

“Was Porchay really the reason he sent Park here?”

Big took a deep breath. His heart sank as he heard the question. 

“As far as I know. He never mentioned anything else. Do you want me to look into it?” 

“Can you do it?” 

Big fell quiet again, knowing exactly what Kim was asking. Kim turned to him when the silence continued. 

“Yes, sir” 

Big could do it, all of it, to prove his loyalty.

Kim turned away again 

“Good. Make sure no one finds out about it” Silence fell again, as Kim let out a sigh. 

“You should be loyal to me, even if they’re the main family”

“How will you prove yourself useful? What do you think Kinn would feel about you betraying his trust?” 

Big was walking on a burning bridge. Soon he’d fall into the flames below if he didn’t pick a side. Either way, he’d fall trying to be on both, always crossing the bridge, trying to please both sides. 

Which side would he rather lose?

“How would I be betraying him?” Big asked 

“You’re neglecting your duty, aren’t you?” then Kim snickered “I’m just joking, you’re not” There was a smile on his lips, and for a moment Big thought everything was fine, but then it disappeared “But you’ll be betraying me” Kim’s cold eyes staring back at him

“Do you really want to betray me?” 

Big didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to betray Kim, nor the main family, but if he trusted them, he'd be betraying Kim?

Big only bowed lightly, and walked towards the door. 

“Actually Big,” Kim then suddenly called, and Big turned around “Yes sir?” 

“Forget what I said about telling Tankhun I found out. Leave the mics, and tell him you succeeded when he asks” Big nodded  

“Yes, sir” and left the mics on the table, before finally leaving the apartment. 

Kim looked out on the balcony

“If a monster is what he wants, a monster is what he’ll get” 

His knuckles turned white from how hard he was clenching his fists. 

“Big!” Arm called out, seeing the bodyguard hurry through the quarters. The latter stopped in his tracks, his back turned to Arm. He just wanted to go to his room and rest. He was exhausted.

“You’re needed in Kinn’s office” Arm continued, and Big let out a sigh. Kim, and now Kinn, should he go talk to Tankhun afterward as well? 

“Mhm” a response sounded, and Big turned around, and left for the office. What did Kinn need to talk to him about? 

“Sir, it’s Big” he announced, with a knock, before opening the door. 

Kinn wasn’t there though, only Porsche leaning against the desk, looking straight at him. 

“Where’s Kinn?” he asked, annoyance clear in his voice. 

“I’m the one who called for you” Porsche replied

“Why?” Porsche threw back instead, but at Big’s silence, he continued
“Kinn will be back in a few minutes to talk about your delay in recovery, but I wanted to talk to you about something else” 

Big’s jaw clenched, and he looked at the floor for a moment, exhaling.

“What, sir?” he muttered, hating every second he was in there. Porsche didn’t say anything for a while, but sat down in the chair, gesturing for Big to sit down in the other, but Big stood unmoving. 

“It was Kim wasn’t it?” and Big rolled his eyes

“You really think I’m Pete don’t you?” Big threw back instead of answering. 

“Or maybe I just know that Kim has hurt you before,” Porsche calmly replied. 

“It wasn’t Kim. I fell” 

“Oh right, you were in a rush that night. Where were you going?” Porsche leaned back in the chair.

“None of your business” Big calmly but coldly replied.

“So it wasn’t Kim?” 

“Would you stop with the Kim agenda!” he snapped, and Porsche flinched.

“Stop pretending to care!” Big continued

“I’m not Pete and Kim isn’t Vegas! No matter how convincing Tankhun sounds!” he paused for a moment “He’s wrong!” 

Pain. Pain was all that Porsche could see on Big’s face. It was bleeding out from underneath his frustration, in his eyes, his jaw. It was there with anger. Anger would always be a facade for pain and hurt. 

“This has nothing to do with Pete,” he spoke, slowly getting up from the chair “I’m worried about you. We are worried about you” 

Big glanced at Porsche, then back at the floor 

“Don’t be, I’m fine. It’s just a week” Big replied, calmly with a shrug, but something about the way his jaw tensed, irked Porsche. Something was wrong, something always was with Big. 

“Big, I’m serious” he softly spoke.

Big didn’t know Porsche had seen him breaking down outside the cafeteria, unable to breathe, unable to get up. 

“So am I. I’m fine!” 

“Why do you even care? What does it matter to you?!” Big scoffed. Porsche looked down at the floor, unable to give Big an answer. 

Because he feels guilty? Because Big saved his life? 

“Because I can’t recognize you anymore!” He suddenly burst out. 

“Can you recognize yourself?! When you look in a mirror can you even recognize yourself?! Because I can’t!” 

Big didn’t say anything, shocked at Porsche’s outburst. 

“I know we weren’t on good terms before, but you can’t tell me you haven’t changed! That your leave, Ken’s death, hasn’t affected you!” 

“You barely eat, and you look like you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months!” Big finally looked at Porsche again, and his heart stopped beating for a moment when he saw the genuine worry on his face. His eyebrows were furrowed, but his eyes were soft. Not hateful, or cold, but full of worry. 

He didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything, because Porsche was right. He couldn’t recognize himself, besides the part of him that loves someone who would never love him back. That part hadn’t changed. He was still someone who acted irrationally and without reason, out of annoyance and jealousy, but even that was slowly disappearing.

All he wanted was to sleep and wake up once everything was over.

“Big” Porsche’s voice was filled with concern, but Big couldn’t look at him “Just leave me alone Porsche”

Then the door opened and Kinn stepped inside the office. 

“Sir” Big mumbled with a nod, never looking up at him 

“Did you scold him?” Kinn asked Porsche, pointing towards Big as he walked up to Porsche, greeting him with a soft “hey” and a loving smile

“Well,” Porsche shrugged, “How could he delay his return with only a few weeks left?” he said with a pout causing Big to roll his eyes in annoyance. Perhaps jealousy wasn’t leaving after all. 

“Then, if that’s sorted, let's talk about something else” Kinn glanced at Big before gesturing towards the lounge set, and Big followed behind the two, sitting down on the couch opposite them. 

It was quiet, as Kinn thought for a moment, both arms on the back of the couch, one around Porsche.

“How is my brother?” he softly asked, and Big looked up at him, thinking about an answer. It was clear he was worried about Kim, and not in the way Tankhun was. Kinn respected Kim’s boundaries, always had, despite agreeing to get him therapy, while Tankhun was more worried about Kim turning into Vegas.

“He’s fine, sir” he replied, in full honesty, because Kim was fine, wasn’t he? Besides being resentful towards the two for throwing a therapist at him without his consent, he was fine. He accepted Park’s sessions, aware that he might need them. 

“Is he?” Kinn hesitantly asked, his voice smaller this time, and Big took a deep inhale “Yes, sir” 

but Kinn only looked at him, encouraging him to elaborate 

“He’s his usual self, sir. What more do you want me to say?” and Kinn thought for a moment “Is the therapy… is it helping him? Working?” and Big fell quiet 

“I try not to listen in on the sessions, as it’s between him and Dr. Park,'' he then replied.

There was a hint of disappointment in Kinn’s eyes, but not one that’s disappointed nothing was done for information to be heard, but more so that he didn’t know if his brother was actually okay. 

“As long as you don’t try to invade his privacy, there’s nothing to worry about, sir. He accepts the therapy, but on his terms” Big elaborated

“That’s also okay. It’s his therapy, not ours” He replied with a soft nod

“Did something happen?” Porsche then shot in, and the two others turned to him “Sorry?” Big replied, confused.

“Why did you mention not to invade his privacy unless someone already did?” Big looked down at his hand, unsure of what to answer. 

“Big” Kinn’s worried voice sounded, and Big looked up at him “Did something happen?” and Big avoided Kinn’s eyes again. What was he supposed to answer? 

He glanced up at Porsche, then Kinn, and down at his hand again.

“No” he ended up lying, looking right at Kinn “But knowing you, your family, he’s aware you might try” which was the truth.

He then got up “Excuse me sirs”, bowed, and left the office before either could ask any more questions.

Kim was out on the balcony, just looking over the city. Somehow there were no thoughts in his head, yet his mind was heavy.

Did Tankhun see him as nothing but Vegas now? 

He wasn’t Vegas. He wasn’t mad, crazy, psychotic. 

He was Kim, rational, controlled, without emotions or break-downs. 

He looked at the microphones in his hand, as he recalled the conversation earlier

“ Sir, I’ve been ordered to bug your apartment” 

“I know you told me to be honest,”  

“and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you” Something was off about Big. Something had changed about him. When Kim was first introduced to Dr. Park, Big wasn’t scared, nor ashamed even if that too was ordered, even if that too came from his brothers.

He closed his palm and looked out on the city again. Perhaps it was because Kinn didn’t know about the bugs either, and Big didn’t want to betray him.

“... You’re supposed to be working for me, are you not?” 

“Yes sir” Big replied, looking down on the floor. 

“How can you prove your worth to them, when you can’t even do what you’re asked?” 

But then again

“Please do whatever is necessary,” Big replied, expecting a punishment from Kim. “Whatever you need to do. If Tankhun finds out-”

Big was willing to be hurt by Kim for lying to him, for betraying him. 

He looked at his closed palm.

Him or Kinn?

Porchay slowly walked up to Tankhun, who was down by his fishpond again, excitedly feeding them with Arm and Pol by his side. It was late, but Porchay couldn’t sleep.

Ever since Porsche told him about Kim being in therapy, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

Of course, he was mad about everything Kim had put him through, but he couldn’t lie to himself, a part of him still cared about Kim even if he didn’t want to. 

“Oh, Porchay!” 

“Khun” he greeted with a small smile. 

“What are you doing here? How are you?” the older one asked with a soft but curious smirk on his face 

“I’m fine, I just,” he shrugged. “I feel bad for lying to Porsche” and sat down next to Taknhun on the edge of the pond. 

Tankhun stopped feeding the fish, his full attention on Porchay. Arm and Pol, in their own world, messing around with the bread.

“I just, I can’t tell him I didn’t go to the interview” Porchay started out “I can’t tell him I didn’t get rejected, but that I gave it up because of a broken heart” 

Tankhun didn’t say anything, just let Porchay get it all off his chest 

“He would be so broken. It’s been his goal his whole life to get me into university, and if he finds out I just gave it up, it’ll ruin him” He looked up at Tankhun, whose heart broke at the sight of his glassy eyes. He wrapped his arm around Porchay’s shoulder, pulling him into a comforting embrace 

“A broken heart makes us do crazy things” he comforted, and Porchay softly nodded. “mhm” 

“Sir” Tankhun and Porchay turned around to see Big. They hadn’t heard him walk up to them, nor had Arm and Pol said anything. He looked tired, dark circles hanging under his empty eyes. 

“I apologize if I’m interrupting” he spoke

“It’s fine, you’re not,” Tankhun assured with a small wave of his hand. Big let out a deep breath “Sir, it’s about what you asked me to do” he hoped it wasn’t obvious he was uncomfortable, as Porchay was sitting right there 

“Maybe it isn’t the right time-”

“-No, it’s fine. How did it go?” Tankhun interrupted him and Big looked down for a moment before answering “It’s done, sir” 

“Amazing!” Tankhun calmly, but still excitedly replied, “Well done, thank you, really” and Big bowed slightly, never doubting Tankhun’s sincerity, but his morality instead. 

“Then I’ll be going, sir” he announced

“Yes, of course,” Tankhun mumbled confusedly, staring at Big turning around and leaving. Porchay didn’t say anything, sensing the odd tension between them. Why was he in a rush? 

Could it be related to Kim?

“When you look in a mirror can you even recognize yourself?!” 

He was finally back in his room, looking at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Porsche was right. He looked tired, he was tired. He couldn’t hide it anymore, no matter how badly he wanted to. His skin was paler than usual, his eyes empty, with dark circles growing every day. He took off his blazer with a shaky hand, avoiding the mirror as much as he could. The white shirt didn’t fit him anymore. It was obvious he had lost weight with the distraught way the shirt hung too loose around his arms and shoulders. 

He wasn’t okay, but he wasn’t going to admit it to Porsche. He was not some charity case, a hurt puppy. He was a bodyguard, he could take care of himself.

It took him a while to unbutton it, hand shaking as he did.

As he reached the last button, tears were welling up in his eyes, threatening to fall, a lump slowly making its way up his throat. 

He let the shirt fall from his shoulders, watching it reveal his torso through the mirror. The lump was growing, threatening to spill out of his mouth. His heart dropped as he saw himself. Scars filled his chest, and his arms were visibly thinner than they used to be, not just from the lack of working out. 

He ran his hand over his chest, to make sure that it was real, and not just his mind playing tricks on him. 

As he felt the skin underneath his fingertips, nausea hit him, tears spilling from his eyes, lips quivering, trying to keep the sobs from spilling out of his throat. His heart hurt, it hurt so much from seeing him so far gone.

He wasn’t himself anymore, body and mind. 

Chapter Text

Porsche couldn’t shake the conversation he had with Big a few days ago. Something rubbed him the wrong way, more than usual. 

Defending Kim was one thing, but the way Big exploded was new. 

He crossed his arms as he looked out of the windows.

“I’m not Pete and Kim isn’t Vegas! No matter how convincing Tankhun sounds!”

Denial? Or did something happen? 

He let out a sigh 

“What the hell is going on with you?” he muttered to himself 

“Did you say something?” Kinn sounded from the lounge set, and Porsche turned with a small smile “No, I was just talking to myself” 

“What’s wrong?” Kinn asked, gesturing for his love to sit down, and Porsche sat down with a sigh, then fell silent for a moment. 

“I’m going to talk to Chan about Big” and Kinn straightened up in his seat

“About what exactly?”

“He needs help. He needs counseling, I think” 

“Porsche, are you sure?” 

He didn’t answer for a moment. To Kinn, he probably seemed to be overreacting, but Kinn hadn’t seen the broken Big that he had seen. 

“Yes,” he answered with confidence.

Big needed help, and if Porsche had to force it on him so be it. 

“I trust you, Porsche, if you believe he needs help, he needs help” he caressed Porsche’s cheek, a loving expression in his eyes 

“He does,” Porsche added, leaning into Kinn, who played with his hair.

Kim looked at the mics from across the table. What was he going to do with them? What would be the best way to get back at Tankhun? 

He didn’t usually feel this much hatred, or frustration towards his brother who raised him, who looked after Porchay, and who was kind and fun. Lately, though, something had resurfaced, something had rekindled inside of him, slowly burning brighter the more Tankhun forced his way into a place he shouldn’t be.

So far he had;

Sent a therapist to him together with Kinn

Compared him to Vegas 

Ordered Kim’s bodyguard to plant bugs so he could listen in on his therapy sessions. Even if he should be the one in the seat. 

Tankhun was his brother, and he loved him, but even family should respect boundaries, 

He let out a sigh as he thought for a moment. 

Then, something lit up in Kim’s eyes, and he got up from the table. He went to the cabinet, finding Dr. Park’s file. He took out his phone and dialed the number on the paper.

“Dr. Park, it’s Kim” 

“I need to talk to you about something,”.

“Chan!” Porsche called out, as he walked up to the brooding man, who was keeping an eye on the new bodyguards.

“Porsche” he greeted with a nod

“We need to talk about Big” There was a slight change in Chan’s posture, and he gestured for them to step a bit back before continuing their conversation.

“What’s going on?” he asked, glancing at the bodyguards shortly, ensuring no one was listening in.

“Does he have a counselor besides you?” Porsche asked, and the older man exhaled.

“No, just me for his lessons” and Porsche was quiet for a minute

“How often do you see Big?” Chan was quiet this time, and there was a hint of concern in his eyes.

“Mostly just at his lessons, since he can’t participate in the monthly tests” he replied

“Why?” 

“Have you noticed any change in him?” Chan thought for a moment

“There’s been some episodes” he admitted, but didn’t elaborate further on. 

“I think he needs to see a therapist or some sort of counseling because he’s not well. He’s changed a lot. I don’t think he’s processed Ken’s death yet” Chan nodded in understanding “Perhaps so” 

“I’ll take a look at it” He assured, and though Porsche wasn’t convinced he accepted it, and left Chan again.

“Sir, Porsche has raised some concerns about Big and his progress, and his health” Chan paused for a moment, and Korn turned to him “Is that so?” 

“Yes sir, and there’s something I want you to hear” and Korn gestured for him to sit down.

“You need to separate yourself from your emotions. You’re their body, their protection” Chan’s voice sounded from a recording. It was one of Big’s previous lessons after he was released from the hospital.

“You’re supposed to protect them, but stay calm while doing so” 

There was silence in the recording.

“My life is theirs though. Rather I die than them” Big could be heard answering.  

“How will you protect them if you’re dead?”

Chan paused the recording, looking over at Korn

“How long ago was this?” 

“almost two months” Chan replied, looking down at the floor

“How is he doing now?” it took a while for Chan to reply, out of concern, or guilt?

“Worse than I thought” he finally answered and exhaled

“I can’t decide whether he said it because he’s loyal, or because he still feels guilty”

“This way of training him isn't helping”  

Korn was silent, thinking.

“He wants to break himself for this family, that’s why we assigned him to Kim. He needs to find his balance again” and Chan nodded at his words.

“What do we do?” 

“Wait. He needs to heal. Obviously, it doesn’t help training him while he’s still broken inside and out” Then he paused.

“Rebuilding his spirit is harder than I expected” he added, then looked at Chan

“Get the recording to Kim” 

“Yes, sir”  

“Anything else, sir?” 

“No, that’s it” 

Big was down by the shooting range. Perhaps he only had one healthy arm, but he still needed to pull his weight. He’s a bodyguard after all. He let out a relaxing exhale. It was quiet. No one else was there, as it was in the middle of the night, and he didn’t have to worry about anyone looking at him, or seeing him. 

He walked to one of the booths, a gun, and bullets ready on the small countertop. 

He had been avoiding the two brothers since he last talked to them. He couldn’t take any more questions from them about Kim when he had no answer. If they wanted to know, why didn’t they ask him themselves? 

Did they fear their brother?

He shook the thought away, and loaded the gun with one hand, aiming at the target’s chest.

Did it have something to do with Kim leaving the mansion? 

He took a deep inhale, telling himself to calm down.

He held his breath and pulled the trigger.

His heart sank. 

His aim was off, hitting the shoulder instead of the chest, the heart, where he had aimed. 

“Come on” he muttered to himself, aiming again, trying to ignore the thoughts in his head. “Calm down” he muttered, taking a deep inhale, when the conversation with Porsche resurfaced. “Calm down” he repeated, but his heart kept racing, as Porsche’s words kept repeating in his head “Can you even recognize yourself?!” 

He didn’t want to think about it, not now. He just wanted to be okay for a moment and forget everything that was going on, but the thoughts kept racing on. 

“I’m Big” he muttered, his voice shaky, but stern. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, feeling his heart speed up. “I’m a bodyguard” but his voice was thin and unconvincing. 

He tried to ignore his heartbeat, his unsteady breathing, as he opened his eyes, fixing his aim. 

His arm was unsteady, the gun shaking in his hand. I’m fine. I’m a bodyguard. 

He took a deep breath again. I’m fine. 

He pulled the trigger, drowning out the thoughts, and anxiety.

“I’m fine” he muttered, his heartbeat getting faster, the shaking worse, his breath hitching from anxiety.

“I’m fine” he whispered and pulled the trigger again.

“I’m fine” but he could hear his voice shake, and his fingers started to tingle. He could no longer drown out the sound of his heartbeat. 

“I’m fine”, but he could barely focus his eyes on the target and as the fear and anxiety 

took hold of him, he pulled the trigger. 

He fell to the ground, the gunshot echoing in his head. All air left his body in a shaky exhale, his hand still holding the gun on the countertop, being the only thing keeping him from fully collapsing. 

Tears were forming in his eyes, and his breath hitched in his throat. He couldn’t move, couldn’t calm down, only listen to the sound of his rapid breathing and his heartbeat. 

His shaky hand let go of the gun, grabbing onto the ledge instead, to keep him from losing grip of reality.

“You’re okay” he tried to comfort himself “You’re okay”. His eyes burned from not blinking “You’re okay”. He let go of the ledge, and fell against the wall of the booth, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath “I’m okay”, tears falling from his eyes in silence.

Kim put the USB in his laptop and opened the file “Big Training xx/xx” 

“Your father sent this for you, sir” Big held out an envelope, and Kim looked at it, before taking it.

“What is it?” he asked, looking up at Big, who shrugged

“I don’t know,” he replied, then left the apartment. 

Something was off about Big. Usually, he would be curious, or eager to stay. His eyes were tired but empty. His body language was of one who had given up, who didn’t care. 

He shook his head and played the recording. 

“You need to separate yourself from your emotions. You’re their body, their protection” 

“You’re supposed to protect them, but stay calm while doing so” 

“My life is theirs though. Rather I die than them” 

“...How will you protect them if you’re dead?” 

“I..”

“Big, of course, our job is to protect them, even if it means we die, but you do notice how you tend to forget all rationality don’t you?” 

“Sorry sir” 

“Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to Kinn, who you were supposed to protect!”

“How do you expect to stay a bodyguard, to work again, if you can’t act rationally?!”

Big didn’t say anything for a while, but it was evident even through the audio clip, that Big was falling apart. 

Kim paused the recording and looked at the date again. It was from 2 months ago.

“ Why did he want me to have this?” He mumbled, looking through the envelope for any note or file that could tell him anything, but there was nothing. 

“Interesting,” he muttered, ignoring the tugging in the back of his head, telling him something was off. Ignoring the part of him, wanting him, taunting him to look into it. He ignored it, telling himself it wasn’t interesting.

Chapter Text

“I still think this is a bad idea” Park whispered to Kim as he greeted him at the door “Just follow my lead” Kim replied with a small smile. 

Park sat down in the chair, Kim on the couch, and Big was outside. 

“So, Kim, how are you feeling today?” there was an underlying uncertainty in Park’s voice, but Kim ignored it. 

“Fine, actually” he replied, and Park looked at him with a doubtful face, but let it go.

“Let’s talk about your childhood again. We didn’t get to continue our talk last time” 

“Is it about my brothers?” Kim redirected, Park took a deep breath while looking at the mics in a small bowl on the coffee table, “yes” he replied with a small 

“Okay, what do you want to know now?” 

“A few sessions ago we talked about emotional neglect, and we talked about how it affected you and how you process emotions”

Kim nodded as Park spoke, recalling the conversations.

“I realized after our last session, that you tried to avoid talking about the past, hence why you talked about this person you hurt” 

“Porchay?” Tankhun muttered quietly to himself, listening closely to what they were talking about through the bugs. 

“Clever, but you can’t keep avoiding it, we have to talk about the past”

“How were your brothers growing up?” 

There was a loud sigh

“Kinn wasn’t always supposed to be the leader, but as you might have noticed, Tankhun isn’t capable of being it” Kim then explained

“What happened to Tankhun?” 

“A traumatic event he still hasn’t fully worked through. I think he buried it deep inside of himself”  

Tankhun’s breath hitched for a moment at the mention of his trauma. 

“You mentioned you used to confide in Tankhun, but stopped” Kim nodded 

“I did”

“What about Kinn?” 

“Kinn?” Kim scoffed “He was too distant to care” He tried recalling episodes, instances from his childhood where he was with Kinn but only a few came to mind.

“I don’t know. Maybe we used to get along but then we didn’t” and smiled. It made Park uncomfortable.  

“You don’t recall any instances?” 

“Well, besides when our father pretended to die, no I don’t” 

“It might be my fault. Maybe I shut myself in. Maybe my brother was dealing with too much to have a younger brother. Who knows?” 

“What is he doing?” Tankhun muttered to himself, “Is this how sees himself?” 

Park looked at Kim in silence, before noting something down in his notepad.

“I sometimes wonder why my father named us Kinn and Kim. When written down they can be hard to tell apart” he paused for a moment “Maybe he was scared Kinn would fail just like Tankhun did, and he would replace him with me? Maybe it’s to pressure my brother to remember who’ll take his place if he fails” 

Park only looked at him, wondering if what Kim said was true or not. Nevertheless, he wrote it down in his notepad.

“When did this traumatic experience happen to Tankhun? Before or after you stopped confiding in him”  

It was silent again, and Tankhun’s heartbeat was loud in his chest, waiting for Kim’s response. Was this really what Kim saw in their family? Was this really how Kim was? 

“Before” he quietly replied “We were children when it happened”  

“Maybe it’s my fault he didn’t get better” 

“Why do you think that?” 

“I could’ve been there for him couldn’t I?” 

“Instead I distanced myself because I thought it was better that way” 

“Maybe I was scared that if I showed comfort, it would happen to me too” 

Park wrote something down in his notepad again, brows furrowed in worry. 

“You were a child, Kim. It shouldn’t be your responsibility. It was your father’s responsibility” 

Kim didn’t say anything for a while, and Park changed the topic slightly.

“A kidnapping is a traumatic experience, so it’s no wonder your brother has PTSD from it” 

“Shouldn’t he be over it? It’s been over 10 years” he scoffed, and Park knew it was to taunt his brother listening in on their session. 

“If you don’t get the right tools, the right help, it stays with you” Kim was quiet at Park’s response 

“Did he get any help?” 

“Our family isn’t big on these kinds of things as you might have noticed” he scoffed “yet he sent you here”

“Was it hard growing up with Tankhun after the kidnapping?” Park asked, and a cold look made its way into Kim’s eyes.

“Was this the reason you started shutting your emotions down?” Tankhun held his breath. This was what he wanted the answer to, this was what he wanted to know.

“I’m not sure, all I know is, afterward the house wasn’t the same. Something changed. Kinn grew up under pressure, and Tankhun got to live carelessly” 

Kim scoffed “If I was Kinn I’d feel bitter towards Tankhun. He got out of it easily and threw the responsibility onto his younger brother’s shoulders. What kind of brother does that?” 

It was silent for a moment

“So, why isn’t he?-”

And the connection was cut.

“Huh?” Tankhun exclaimed as the audio stopped “What happened!?” His heart skipped a beat

“Did he find them?” he muttered, leaning back on his couch, his heart beating loud in his ears. 

The bowl with the now broken mics was filled with water, and Kim sighed. 

His persona changed, back to being closed up, and no longer open about past traumas. 

“Sorry Dr. Park, and thank you” He spoke, and Park only nodded, letting out a deep breath. It was silent for a while, and there was a different expression on Park’s face. His usually calm face was filled with worry, doubt, and discomfort. 

“Kim, let’s just take a break and then go over what you just said” Kim nodded, and watched Park as he quietly looked over his notepad with a calm, yet distressed expression on his face.

“Kim, I don’t support this, and I hope you don’t do it again. I know you wanted to get back at your brother, but it’s not healthy” Kim didn’t reply for a moment, only looked outside at the balcony for a moment.

“You know, my brother compared me to my cousin” 

“My cousin is a maniac who kidnapped…” Kim’s voice faded out, “he kidnapped…” he tried again “The person you hurt” Park concluded, and Kim nodded.  

“He’s part of the reason Big is in the condition he is now” 

“But I recently learned that Tankhun compared me to him” he looked at Park “He called me a monster” 

“So you gave him a monster? What he wanted, for what?” 

Kim didn’t reply for a moment, just looking out at the balcony again.

“He wanted the truth, so I gave him the truth” 

Kim could tell Park wanted to say something, but instead decided to stay quiet.

“How much of what you said was true?” he then asked, and Kim looked at him with calm eyes.   

“You let him under your skin” he commented “You don’t want people to understand you, yet you opened up just now, with your brother listening” 

“Sacrifices have to be made,” Kim calmly replied. 

“Do you really blame yourself for how Tankhun turned out?” Kim didn’t reply for a while, just staring into the air, distancing himself. 

“I used to” he admitted “But not anymore. As you said, it’s not my responsibility” coming back to reality, but there was something about the look in his eyes. He wasn’t entirely there. 

“What about what you mentioned about Kinn and your father?” the silence turned tense at Park’s question “About your names” he added “Do you really believe that?” 

“It’s crossed my mind” Kim replied with a bored look

“Is the pressure from your brothers, and your father the reason you need to be perfect?” Kim sat up in his seat 

Kim let out a deep breath, crossed his arms, glancing outside for a moment. 

“I thought you wanted to talk about my childhood today?”

“To find the root of your emotional trauma, yes, and today you’ve talked about Tankhun’s issue, Kinn… well, you talk about him as if he’s going to fail at some point, and that your father is disappointed in him” Park was silent, waiting for Kim to answer his initial question.

“Do you want to talk about your childhood?” he asked instead when he didn’t.

“Maybe next time” Kim replied, noting that the time was almost up, and Park gave a small smile in response “Yes, I suppose you’re right” he spoke and got up from his chair 

“There was some progress today Kim, but I sense a hesitation” 

“Dr. Park,” Kim spoke as he got up from the couch. “For your help today, next time, I’ll…” 

“I’ll open up” 

“I hope so, for your own good,” Park smiled, Big following him behind as they walked to the door.

“Big, come back here afterward” 

“Yes sir,” Big nodded, closing the apartment door behind him. 

Kim was sitting on his couch again when Big got back

“Sir” he greeted Kim, with a slight bow. Kim didn’t say anything, nor acknowledge him for a moment. 

“When Tankhun asks what happened to the bugs…” he trailed off “tell him you don’t know what happened” 

Big was silent for a moment. Was that really the explanation he was going to give? 

“Yes sir” he responded.

“Do you not like it?” Kim asked at Big’s late reply, his voice threatening, and Big turned to the floor, heart beating fast in his chest.  

“Sorry sir”

“Whatever” he replied, letting out a sigh, turning away from Big

“Do you have anything new to tell me?” 

“Porsche thinks Porchay was rejected by the university” There was a moment of silence.

“And, I don’t know if it’s important but actually, Kinn doesn’t know why Tankhun sent you to therapy” he added, slowly turning his eyes to Kim, who sat still in his seat, deep in thought it seemed.

“Is that so?” he quietly muttered to himself. He let out a sigh, turning back to Big “That’s all for today” and Big nodded “Goodbye sir” leaving the apartment once again. 

Chapter Text

Did Kim really feel that way? That he wasn’t doing enough? 

Tankhun paced around his room, heart beating loudly in his chest.

It didn’t make sense, because Kim also said he would be the one taking over in the case Kinn failed.

He came to a stop.

Was he afraid?

He paced around again, trying to make sense of it all.

Why was his therapy about Tankhun? About his brothers? Did they bring him that much pain?

Why did Kim sound so annoyed? That Tankhun got to live carelessly while Kinn was overwhelmed with stress? Was he angry on Kinn’s behalf?

Why was the connection cut? 

A knock on the door, stopped him in his tracks, heart still beating loud

"Sir, it's Big" 

"Come in!" 

“What happened?” Tankhun blurted out as soon as Big entered the room. Big didn't reply immediately, but stood silent for a moment, dumbfounded at Tankhun's words.

“What do you mean Sir?” 

“The connection was cut!” Tankhun rambled, gesturing to the laptop on the coffee table. 

Big didn’t say anything for a moment as Tankhun sat back down on the couch

“I don’t know sir” he replied, then looked down at the floor taking in a deep breath.  

“I truly don’t know” 

Tankhun nodded “That’s okay. It’s okay” letting out a deep exhale.

“Let’s keep this between us” he calmly spoke, so calm and quiet, Big had never seen him

“Yes sir” 

Big was about to leave, but seeing the distraught expression on Tankhun he changed his mind “Sir, is something wrong?” he hesitantly spoke.

Tankhun was silent for a moment

“Keep a close eye on my brother okay?” 

“Of course sir”

“If he seems off, let me know” 

“Yes, sir” he nodded again, and left the room, running into Kinn outside, walking towards the door. “Sir” he greeted with a small nod. His heart was beating out of his chest for some reason he didn’t understand. “Big” Kinn greeted back with a sheepish smile, stopping in front of him “Were you just talking to my brother?” gesturing to the door. 

“Yes sir,” Kinn nodded and walked past Big, and entered Tankhun’s room. 

When the door closed, Big let out a deep breath, finally calming down.

“Why am I so tense?” he muttered as he walked down the corridor, trying to shake the uneasiness off of him.

Suddenly, he felt something pull at this jacket sleeve “Excuse me” a small and apologetic voice sounded. Big knew who it belonged to, and the uneasiness came right back, his heart speeding up again.

He turned around, face to face with Porchay who looked at Big with his big eyes, full of curiosity. 

Ah

Big’s breath hitched for a moment, a stabbing pain in his heart.

Porchay let go of his jacket. 

“You’re Kim’s bodyguard” Porchay’s small voice spoke, and Big looked down at the floor for a moment, taking a deep breath, before looking back up at Porchay, his heart being clawed out of his chest.   

“Yes, sir” he replied. He could tell Porchay was nervous and scared. Worried?

“Why is Kim in therapy?” 

“I can’t tell you” Big replied rather quickly and turned away from Porchay, but Porchay grabbed his wrist, stopping him “Why?” his voice slightly louder than before with a hint of desperation. Big took another deep breath before replying 

“Because, that’s his business, sir” 

“Can I see him?” 

Big was silent for a while, unsure of what to tell him 

“That’s up to him and you” he calmly replied, slowly pulling away from Porchay, hurrying away once Porchay’s grip had loosened enough.

The clawing continued in his heart, and once he had turned the corner, he hit his chest with his fist, hoping it would stop. 

It didn’t.

He took a deep breath, trying to regain composure, just long enough for him to find a dark corner to fall apart in.

“Khun,” Kinn hesitantly started out as he entered the room “Why do you believe Kim and Vegas are alike? Why that comparison? You hate Vegas with all of your heart” 

Tankhun muted his TV but didn’t answer his brother’s question immediately. 

“Aren’t you curious about how he’s doing?” 

Kinn crossed his arms

“Of course I am, but Khun, I’ve been thinking” he spoke and paused for a moment “Is this really necessary? I don’t like it” 

“Are you afraid it’s gonna make him tear him even further away from us?” Tankhun asked, and Kinn sat down with a sigh “Yes”

"Yes, I am. You do notice how he hasn’t been home in months, right?” 

Khun let out a sigh “I do, I know, but it’s for his own good” 

“How do you know?” 

Tankhun didn’t reply for a moment, but then he turned with a reassuring smile “Kinn, don’t worry, it’s going to be fine”

Kinn didn’t say anything. He wanted to believe his brother, but something was off, something didn’t sit right with Kinn.

It was late at night, and quiet around the table as Kinn fidgeted with his whiskey class. Time had an arm around Tay and Porsche had placed his legs on Kinn’s lap.

“I talked to Khun about Kim yesterday,” Kinn hesitantly opened up. Porsche looked at him, giving an encouraging smile, while Tay straightened up in his seat. Kinn kept his eyes on his glass “about whether it was worth it, and all” 

“What did he say?” Tay softly asked when the silence dragged on.

Kinn let out a sigh “That it’s fine, and not to worry, but I don’t trust it” his eyebrows were furrowed again, and Porsche took his hand in his.

“Something is off” he added 

“Why can’t I know?” Kinn continued, as Porsche caressed his hand. Tay crossed his arms leaning back in his chair “He’s my brother, why-” he stopped himself before he got too frustrated, letting out a sigh instead

“I don’t know,” Porsche replied, even though he could tell something was definitely going on.

“I know it’s Kim’s business, but Tankhun knows”

“Big knows too” Porsche added, and Kinn looked at him, frustration clear on his face, but it melted away “So why can’t I?” 

“You still haven’t reached out to Kim?” Tay asked and Kinn shook his head “No” 

“I know” he quickly added 

“I wasn’t going to say anything” Tay replied, but Kinn gave him a look with a sheepish smile, then took a sip of his whiskey.

“Big told you Kim doesn’t hate you” Porsche reassured

“I know”

After Time and Tay left, Porsche snuggled up to Kinn who was still deep in thought. It was silent for a long time before Kinn finally opened up. 

“I wasn’t the best brother back then” 

Maybe it was the alcohol talking, maybe it was just Kinn.

“When Kim left?” Porsche softly asked, and Kinn was silent, then a soft nod “Yeah” there was a distant look in his eyes, one Porsche had never seen before. It reminded him of when Kinn had told him about Kim out in the forest, but with more guilt and regret. 

“What happened?” 

What happened? 

Kinn didn’t say anything, just sank the lump in his throat.

“What happened,” he muttered, pouring some more whiskey, and downing it.

There was no clear indication of what had happened, what had triggered the fight, but it happened. 

He closed his eyes, hoping to avoid the painful memory, and Porsche put his arm around him, a worried look on his face. 

Maybe Kinn didn’t listen to Kim enough, maybe he forgot to be his brother. 

Maybe Kim was in so much pain from being dismissed, from bottling it all up, that he finally exploded. 

Maybe they never actually listened to Kim, but just shoved him away. Kinn was busy, and Tankhun was out of his mind.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” Porsche softly spoke, caressing his back in a comforting manner.

Kinn let out a shaky breath, nodding softly. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t know how, especially because he wasn’t sure what had happened. 

“Big, please tell Kim, his father wants to see him” Big nodded 

“And until your arm has healed, we’ll take a break with your training” His heart skipped a beat, “Yes, sir” more uncertain this time. Chan glanced at him as if to say something, but then he left. 

Big let out a sigh, and continued inside his room.

“You’re not that broken” he muttered, “You’re fine” 

“How much of what you said was true?” 

Kim looked up from his notebook, lyrics he was writing, looking outside at the city as Park’s question repeated in his head 

“How much of what you said was true?” 

He turned to an empty page in his notebook, staring at the blank page for a moment, himself not sure how much of it was true.

He let out a sigh 

“I should go get them soon” he muttered, remembering the notebooks he used to fill with his cries for help.

He could rewrite the episodes, over and over but it wouldn’t change what had happened, it wouldn’t erase them. He could only forget about them for a while until he would stumble upon them once again. Just like the therapy had done. 

He didn’t want to process what he had already tried to forget, tried to look past, in order to move on and live his life. He turned the notebook back to the previous page and threw it across the dining table. 

A knock on the door pulled him out of his trance “Sir, it’s me Big” 

“Why are you knocking on the door? As if you haven’t gone in without before” 

Big unlocked the door, greeting Kim with a small bow once he was inside “Your father wants to see you”

“Is that so” 

“Tell him I don’t have time this week” 

“Yes sir” 

“Sir, Porchay asked about you” Kim froze slightly for a moment “Elaborate” 

“He asked why you were in therapy”

“I told him I couldn’t tell him, and then he asked if he could see you-” 

“-He can’t” Kim replied without hesitation “He can’t” he repeated, and Big gave a nod in reply “What if he pushes for a reason?” 

Kim didn’t reply for a while, 

“You distanced yourself from someone you care about, even if it meant you had to become the villain, even if it hurt you”

“ The burden is the pain you’re hiding, that you’re taking on by pushing people away”  

Then he looked Big in the eye “There is no reason” then looked away again, obviously affected by the mention of Porchay despite trying to hide it. 

“How did Tankhun react?” 

“He looked distraught” 

“You wanna know what I said don’t you?” Big looked away, ashamed Kim read right through him. 

“Nothing that wasn’t true” was all he explained with a grin, and looked up at Big again

“Rather I die than them ” The grin fell from Kim’s lips as the episode from the warehouse flashed before his eyes. 

“If that’s all, you may leave” Kim spoke, his voice turning cold again, looking away from Big “Yes sir” 

“Big, don’t tell him why I’m in therapy” Big stopped for a moment “Yes, sir” he replied, and continued his way out. 

Hearing the door close shut, Kim grabbed the notebook again, “Rather I die than them” he muttered to himself “Please do whatever is necessary” 

“What are you doing to yourself?” he wondered out loud and turned to an empty page and wrote it down, all of the things Big had said.

“What am I doing?” He shut the notebook and got up to sit on the couch instead. Something was urging him to take a closer look, but he didn’t want to. Why should he? 

Big was just his bodyguard, not his pet. He wasn’t Kim’s responsibility.

“You hurt those around you” 

He went and grabbed the notebook again before settling down on the couch again.

“Hurt people hurt people” he muttered to himself “Hurt people hurt people” and wrote something down.

Chapter Text

Kim sat down, his notebook in his hands, earning a raised eyebrow from Park in return.

“You asked me about my brothers last time. What they were like growing up” he let out a deep breath

“Yes” 

“I also told you I would open up this time”

“You did” 

Kim took a deep breath.

“Well, Kinn is the perfect son to some extent” He started out “A perfect leader, not too smart and a bit oblivious” he took a deep breath again “Just stupid enough to fall for our father’s lies and trust him” 

“Tankhun of course, no one knows if he’s insane or just pretending, personally I think it’s both. I think a part of him is traumatized and broken, but another part is faking it to avoid responsibility” 

“What about yourself?” Park asked, “Me?” He was quiet for a moment, then looked directly at Park, with cold eyes

“Well, I’m the son who refused to be manipulated, who saw through the lies, and pretended just enough to be believable” he paused. 

“Who is too much of a threat to be the leader. Too cynical to trust anyone but myself” 

Park didn’t say anything, only writing something down on his notepad “Is that what you really wanted to say last time?” 

Kim nodded, the grip on his notebook tightening “Partly” 

“I’m here to listen” 

When the silence went on, Park put down his pen “Or maybe I should come with my observations?” he calmly asked, and when Kim didn’t answer he let out a sigh 

“I know you feel bitter towards your family, and hold on to a lot of pain you’re trying to avoid speaking about” 

Kim looked down at the notebook in his hands “And you feel responsible for your brothers, even though you’re the youngest.'' Kim sat frozen, still looking down at the notebook in his hands. 

“A few sessions ago we talked about this need for perfection and emotional neglect” 

“Often, the need to be perfect, to be fine, comes from family, siblings. There’s a pressure from them, but also from the emotional neglect” 

“Is that so?” Kim scoffed and Park nodded. 

“Yes, the demand to be perfect often comes with neglecting emotional needs.” he started out 

“To express anything negative would be considered wrong, and bad, a failure. It’s emotionally abusive, but some parents still raise their children this way and withhold or deny their children any comfort, nurturing, or validation if they don’t live up to their expectations”

He paused for a moment and took a deep breath, watching as Kim processed what he had said. Kim’s eyes were far away and Park could see he was going over it in his head, finding the patterns, the incidents from his life. 

“When it comes to emotional neglect, the strive for perfection is also a defense mechanism”

He finally looked up at Park, eyes soft and with a hint of pain. Park could tell there was something he wanted to say, something that was pressing on the back of his throat, but too scared to actually voice it. He looked away again and sank whatever it was he had wanted to say.

“You knew something was wrong, didn’t you?” Park calmly asked, and Kim was quiet for a moment, but then in a small whisper

“Yes,” he answered.

“Back when you were younger, you knew that this neglect you experienced was dysfunctional?” A shaky breath escaped Kim

“Yeah,” he replied, with a soft nod and watery eyes. Park inhaled sharply.

As he had thought, Kim knew but didn’t want to face it. 

“Why didn’t you speak about this? This dysfunction and neglect?”

“I’m the only one who thinks that” 

“How can you be sure? Have you tried talking to them?” When Kim didn’t answer, Park understood,

“That's why you moved out?” Kim glanced down at the notebook, then up at Park.

“We had a fallout, but we’re fine now” 

“Are you?” 

Kim didn’t reply

“What happened?” Kim’s grip on the notebook tightened, eyes glued to it, trying to remember or forget?  

“You want to know?” There was a bitter smile on his lips, but Park saw the pain in his eyes. He glanced down at his watch and let out a sigh.

“Even though I want to get into this, it seems the time is up” Kim just nodded softly. 

“I’m glad you opened up today Kim” and got up from the chair.

“Dr. Park,” Kim called “Can we skip next week?” he asked, getting up from his seat, and Park gave him a small smile.

“Of course, then I’ll see you in two weeks,” he replied, Big following him out, glancing back at Kim who sat back down on the couch. The notebook Big saw a few nights ago, clasped tight in his hands.

What was written in it?

In a small boba shop downtown, around late midday, the sun shining, two friends were catching up while enjoying their teas.

Porsche took a sip of his drink and placed it down on the table 

“Tankhun compared Kim to Vegas” 

Pete choked on his drink, his coughing being the only sound in the shop.

“What?!”  

“Yep,” Porsche nodded,

“No one knows why he would do that” Pete let out a sigh and leaned back in his chair with crossed arms. 

“I mean, even if Kim is the way he is, he’s not Vegas” Pete replied 

“Even when he was younger, he wasn’t like Vegas” 

“How is Vegas doing?” 

Pete shrugged. “Better, there’s still a long way to go, but he’s getting better” A deep sigh escaped Porsche

“I still don’t get how you can love him. He kidnapped you, tortured you” 

Pete was quiet for a moment, and a small smile crept onto his lips “I see myself in him” and Porsche raised an eyebrow, while Pete fidgeted with his drink 

“I don’t expect you to understand it, but I love him and he loves me” 

It was quiet for a moment, as neither spoke. 

“How you were raised, affects you a lot as a person” Pete started out “Did the parents give them enough love? Did they teach them right and wrong, or did they abuse them?” 

“Vegas was never enough in his father’s eyes. He wasn’t loved. All of the things he did was to get his approval” 

“That still doesn’t justify it” 

“No, but the times he hurt me was after his father had taken his anger out on Vegas. It doesn’t excuse it, but it explains it. He was never loved, never enough. He was always wrong, a bad child. Of course, that’s going to mess you up” There was a pained look in Pete’s eyes, and Porsche’s heart dropped 

“A child who isn’t embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth” Porsche muttered, and Pete nodded 

“Of course, that doesn’t make it okay to abuse others, to take it out on others, even if that’s your reaction to it”

He paused for a moment  

“I can still love him and hate the abuse because it’s not the same person. The Vegas who kidnapped me, and tortured me was someone who didn’t care about me” 

“The Vegas I love knows it’s wrong, and knows what will happen if he does it again. He knows what will happen if he doesn’t change” 

As he spoke, he remembered how Vegas cared for him at the safe house, the times he was kind and opened up to him.

“He’s broken and there’s a lot to process, but now that the biggest trigger is dead, it’s going to be easier” The smile on his lips seemed forced to Porsche, but he let it go, and the silence returned.

“You’re right, I don’t understand, but I know he cares about you” he glanced at the table for a moment “And I know you can take care of yourself” Pete nodded “I can” 

“and it’s not like Kinn is innocent either” he added with a cheeky smile, and Porsche snorted, “that’s true” 

“Is this about Kim?” Pete asked, and Porsche fell silent for a moment. 

“It’s about Big” he replied, and Pete’s expression changed “What happened?” 

“He’s protecting Kim, saying Kim didn’t hurt him, even if he did”

“Just like when you came back” Pete looked down at the table, expression dark, then looked back up at Porsche

“Are you sure?”

Big returned to Kim's apartment, mostly to check up on him, worried he might have fallen into a deep place. He seemed out of it earlier, more than usual.

"Sir," He softly called out as he walked up to Kim who was still on the couch, the notebook now thrown onto the coffee table. Kim was facing away from him, eyes glued outside 

"What do you want?" his cold voice sounded and sent shivers down Big's back. He hadn't felt that coldness in a while, and he stood frozen wondering what he had done wrong. 

"I-I" he stuttered "I just wanted to check up on you" 

"Check up on yourself instead, I don't need it"

Big nodded, even though Kim wasn't looking at him.  "What else do you want?" Kim asked, finally turning around to face Big "Your friend's file?" 

"I-" Big started out confused at what Kim meant. Then it hit him. Ken.

He shook his head "N-no, no sir" eyes closed as to not see the cold look in Kim's eyes

"I'm sorry, I'll leave" he bowed and walked out, head hanging low. 

When he came back to the mansion, Porsche was waiting for him.

Big walked passed him, but Porsche followed him

"You were Kinn's bodyguard back when Kim left right?" he asked, and Big tensed up

"Yes" he answered, unsure what Porsche wanted

“What happened back then?”, and Big stopped walking.

He remembered it clearly. What happened was etched into his mind despite everyone pretending as if it never happened. 

He remembered how they yelled, how Kim suddenly and coldly announced he was moving out, bags and guitar strapped on his back. 

There was no explanation, no matter how hard Tankhun pleaded, Kim didn’t give him an answer, but Big knew why. They all knew why, they just didn't want to accept it. 

Long before then, he had already shut them out, he barely spoke to them, always thinking, always searching. At that time, Big was assigned Kinn and didn’t see much of Kim but he knew of him still. 

The youngest who would glare at anyone in his way. The one who was unreadable and out of touch. 

He remembered the brothers getting into a big fight the day before he left. Kinn and Kim mostly, but Tankhun too. 

Perhaps that fight is why Kinn didn’t want to reach out to Kim. Didn’t want to cross his boundaries and lose him even more. 

Only God knows how much Kinn was dealing with too, and even now.  

“I don’t think I should be the one telling you, I’m sorry Porsche, sir” and started to walk away from Porsche 

“Big, be careful” and he stopped

“Be careful it isn’t just a trauma bond, it’ll only hurt you more if it is” Porsche continued, and Big turned around, confused look on his face.

“If you are clinging to Kim because you believe he understands you, that he’ll save you, you’ll only get hurt in the end. He can’t save you, won’t save you”

Big didn’t say anything and just walked away.

Chapter Text

Big closed the door behind him.

“If you are clinging to Kim because you believe he understands you, that he’ll save you, you’ll only get hurt in the end. He can’t save you, won’t save you”

He let out a scoff, but there was an uneasiness brewing in his stomach. It made his hands shake, and the familiar tingling returned to his fingertips. Fear washed over him, all blood leaving his face. 

He fell against the door, sliding down as he had done so many times before. 

A part of him knew Porsche might be right. Kim wouldn’t be able to save him, but he can’t save himself either. 

So what if he clung to Kim? So what, as long as it keeps him alive? 

At least he’s still alive…

Rain poured from the dark sky, and Kim watched from inside his apartment as the rain fell over the city. 

Despite the rain being noisy, it was a consistent noise, calming his racing thoughts. The notebook lay open in front of him, but he hadn’t written in a while, just staring at the downpour, hoping his past would wash away with it.

“To express anything negative would be considered wrong... It’s emotionally abusive, but some parents still raise their children this way, and withhold or deny their children any comfort, nurturing or validation…” 

“You knew something was wrong, didn’t you?” Park calmly asked, and Kim was quiet for a moment, but then in a small whisper

“Yes,” he answered.

“Back when you were younger, you knew that this neglectance you experienced was dysfunctional?” A shaky breath escaped Kim

“Yeah,”

When Park had first asked him that, he thought about Kinn, who clearly had depression, and was never good enough for their father, always trying to be a good son, following his father’s commands. 

He thought about how their father tried to make Kinn the son he wanted, softly manipulating and grooming him. Not too much, but just enough. 

They might not see it, because, to them, their father was kind. He let Porsche live there as Kinn’s boyfriend, he let Tankhun live how he wanted, and he let Kim move out. 

In their eyes, Korn wasn’t like his brother, who physically abused Vegas besides emotionally abusing him. 

Their father did it in a way that they wouldn’t notice, but Kim did. Kim saw the carefully laid out plan. How he had Porsche become the head of the minor family to avoid Vegas coming and seeking revenge. He did it for peace. But what about Porsche’s family? Porsche and Porchay’s mother?

He glanced at the open notebook. There was something in his heart that wanted to get out. Words that wanted to be written, feelings that wanted to be understood, but Kim didn’t know what feelings they were. Couldn’t recognize them.

He was numb, staring at his feelings trapped underneath the ocean, deafened by the water, while he was on the surface. 

He closed his eyes, trying to forget the part of himself that had locked away his feelings. 

Facing them was too hard. Breaking the barrier between them and feeling them fully, was too hard, too exhausting. 

He let out a sigh

“What’s the point of opening up?” he muttered. 

“To breathe again” A voice responded, and Kim turned to see Big, who gave a bow in greeting. There were a few raindrops in his hair and on his shoulders 

“When did you get here?” 

“Just now, sir” 

Kim looked away again. How did he not hear Big come in?

“Why are you here?” 

“Porsche is gaining more interest in you as time goes by Sir” 

“So?” 

“He’s asking about what happened when you left the mansion” 

“So?” Kim repeated, 

“You don’t care, sir?” 

Kim let out a sigh, “Well if Kinn is brave enough to tell him, why should I care? It’ll only do me a favor, won’t it?” 

Big hesitantly nodded “That’s true” he muttered

“Is that all?” 

“If there’s nothing else you need, sir” 

Kim tapped the couch’s arm slowly 

“Are you still playing spy for my brothers?” 

“No, sir” 

“Are you going to tell Porsche or Porchay anything?” 

“No, sir” 

“Then, there’s nothing else, go back to what you’re usually doing and report back to me if something interesting is happening” Big nodded, and started to walk away

“Actually” and Big turned back to him 

“Can you breathe?” 

“Sir?” 

“You said the point of opening up is to breathe again, so” Kim turned to him with those cold and bored eyes 

“Can you breathe?” 

At that moment, he couldn’t. Not with Kim’s eyes piercing into his soul ready to catch him as soon as he lies. 

 “Of course, sir” he still tried 

“Really?” 

“Yes, sir” he replied a beat too late and he stopped breathing for a moment as Kim’s eyes slightly changed from bored to disappointed. 

He was caught. He turned his gaze to the floor, only to hear Kim get up from the couch, his footsteps echoing in the silent apartment, the rain outside becoming white noise.

Kim was so close he could feel his breath on his face, so close he could smell him, a scent he knew he would become addicted to if he did not hold his breath. He wanted to wrap his arm around Kim, bury his face in his neck, and breathe him in, because surely then, he would feel okay. Surely then, he would feel at peace from all the grief. 

“Kim can’t save you, won’t save you”  

Screw what Porsche said. So what if it was a trick? He didn’t care if it was a trick, he wanted to be fooled. 

Oh , for just a moment longer, let him be fooled and believe the cold and broken man in front of him could save him, for he couldn’t save himself. 

“Are you sure you can breathe?” 

Big took a deep breath, looking at Kim whose eyes would be hypnotizing were it not for the cold gaze in them. 

“Yes, sir” he replied in a small voice because Kim helped him breathe when he wasn’t a few inches away from him, with eyes that could make the devil himself kneel before him. 

It was obvious Kim didn’t believe him, but he didn’t say anything, only turned away and sat back down on the couch, staring at the rain again.

"Well what good would a drowning bodyguard be anyway?" he muttered, still facing the rain, and Big understood it was his queue to leave. 

"Then, I'm leaving sir" bowing slightly before leaving the apartment

Chapter Text

Kim stepped out of his car and walked towards the main entrance. Big greeted him at the entrance, finally out of his cast. 

Kim was only there to meet with Korn shortly, and possibly dig into some things too.

When he walked into the lounge, he froze. It’s been months already, yet Porchay looked the same as he had back then. 

His dark blue hair had returned to its natural color. He was glad Porchay didn’t walk closer, but kept a distance, so he couldn’t see how hurt Kim was. 

“P’Kim.” his cold voice sounded, and Kim’s shock faded into a numbness. 

His eyes which had shown a hint of distraught, panic, and longing, turned cold and empty within seconds. 

“Hi” Kim greeted Porchay “I haven’t seen you around the mansion, but maybe you’ve heard that my brother is head of the minor family” Porchay spoke. 

“Yes, I’ve heard” Kim nodded, glancing away from Porchay for a moment, his soft eyes reminding Kim of what he had done.

He had failed to keep Porchay safe from this world, keep him away from this world. 

“Are you going to move into the minor mansion then?” 

“We’re still living here for our mom” fidgeting with his hands, which Kim assumed was from nervousness. 

“That’s good,” Kim replied with a small nod.

There’s more security, and better protection here. Hopefully, nothing will happen to him here.

“Well I’ve got to go” he then spoke and began walking past Porchay with Big following him.

“P’Kim” 

Kim stopped dead in his tracks, his back facing Porchay, but Big turned around to see Porchay stand with soft eyes, focused on the other’s back. That familiar feeling of clawing inside Big’s chest returned, and though he wanted to look away, he couldn’t.

 “You should come home more often,” Porchay continued. His voice was soft, so soft it reminded Kim of the starstruck Porchay who asked Wik to be his guitar tutor.

He didn’t say anything, just let out a sigh and continued to walk away, with Big trailing behind him in silence. 

“Wait here, till I get back” Kim spoke, continuing his way toward his father’s office, before Big could even reply with a “Yes sir”.

Outside the office, Kim spotted Chan, who was waiting for him.

“You’re here”

Kim just gave him a quick nod, before going for the office door, opening it before he could even regret it.  

“How is Big doing?” his father asked the moment he stepped inside the office.  Sat in his chair, he was keeping an eye on Kim, who stood still for a moment, as Chan closed the office door behind him.

“He’s fine,”

“Did you listen to the recording?” 

“Yes, and I noticed it’s right after he was released” When Korn didn’t say anything, he continued. 

“He’s fine when he’s working for me,” It was a lie, but Kim didn’t really care. Big was fine when he was with him, wasn’t he? 

“Kim, you understand why we assigned him to you” Korn’s voice was rather concerned and worried. Did he actually wholeheartedly care about Big? 

“Yes, and he’s doing fine” 

“His health hasn’t gotten better. His arm had a step back” Kim didn’t see the look in his father’s eyes, instead looking around at the different things in the office, as if it was the first time he had ever been there. 

“Well, his cast is off now isn’t it?” 

The room was silent as Kim continued to look around, walking over to the cabinet where he found the journal.

“Maybe, if you give him things to do, he’ll get better” he then spoke, turning to Korn “He’s a bodyguard after all. He can’t sit around and wait, he’s got to help” 

“His only worry is what if he’s not good enough for the main family” he sat down in front of Korn, crossing his legs, and continued 

“He used to be Kinn’s head bodyguard, and now, he’s on rest for an indefinite time. You know he’s desperate to prove his loyalty and worth” 

Korn glanced up at Chan for a moment

“Porsche voiced concern for Big as well” he then spoke as Kim was about to get up from his seat 

“He said Big was not himself. Lost weight, and he’s been losing sleep it seems” Kim didn’t reply, and continued his way to the door. 

“Keep an eye on him” was all Korn replied, before Kim left the room again.

He paused for a moment outside the office, letting out a deep breath. 

“I am keeping an eye on him,” he muttered to himself, then walked back to the elevator. 

Inside, he hesitated as he looked at the floor numbers. His hand lingered over the lobby, but instead, with a deep breath, he pressed a different floor, he ignored the pounding inside his chest as the elevator reached the floor, and held his breath as the doors slid open.

As he stepped out onto the familiar floor, an ominous feeling washed over him. Perhaps it was because despite the floor being familiar, it had grown unfamiliar to him in the time he had been away. Perhaps it had been the recent resurfacing of his memories. 

He walked towards a familiar room, ignoring how the ominous feeling grew with every step. The door wasn’t different from any other of the doors in the mansion, no indicator of the youngest having lived there. 

He looked around the floor, making sure no one was there, then unlocked the door, and walked inside, the door falling shut behind him. 

He took a deep breath. It looked the exact same, though maybe a bit more dusty, and empty of life.

He wasn’t sure why he went here, maybe it was because of all the things Park had dug out. He constantly asked why he left, what happened in his childhood, and maybe the answers to that were in here. 

The first part of the room was much like Kim’s outside persona. Cold, and empty. A few chairs, a coffee table, and a small couch by the windows. Not that lively despite being a living room. 

At least there were a few bookshelves filled with a few old books and boxes. A bathroom door on the right wall, by the bedroom.

A few posters and a few musical instruments hung around too. He tried to ignore the ominous feeling coming from curtains and glass dividers separating the living room from his old “study” but he couldn’t. He could see the table he used to keep the files.

He stepped beyond the dividers with silent steps, as if trying to go unseen by an invisible enemy. He saw the old workout gear, and the cases of old weaponry he swore he never wanted to see again. 

He stepped closer to the table, running his fingers over the surface, feeling every cut and dent in it from all the hours he used to spend there. 

In the middle, his old knife was still sitting in the wood, as a warning that this Kim was dead.

The moment flashed before his eyes, as he ran his fingers on the surface. 

He turned around, closed the curtains, and turned his back on it. 

That wasn’t him. That wasn’t who he was anymore.

He walked to the other side of the living room to his bedroom, and immediately, an overwhelming sense of fear washed over him. 

It lingered in his hands and down to his fingertips as he hesitated walking beyond the wall that separated it from the rest. He could see small splinters on the floor of the living room, just by the edge of the bedroom, from an incident a long time ago.

He could hear the sound as clear as the day it happened, the anger. The sound as it hit the floor, a symphony of chaos echoing from the strings. 

He took a deep breath, and stepped inside, recalling the exact moment he decided to leave the mansion.

Flashes of anger and frustration washed over him. Pain, and resentment too. 

“Why did you leave?” Park’s voice echoed.

“Kim!” 

“Kim!” Tankhun called out again, walking after Kim, who was nearing the front doors of the mansion, his guitar strapped on his back. 

“Kim, stop!” but the younger ignored him, only walking faster, frustration pumping through his blood

Kim left, the reason being a mix of lies, manipulation, grooming, neglect, and betrayal. Pain. He would still have left, he just wanted to know if there was still something to hold onto. Something to prove his hope right. They failed to do so.

He took a deep breath and looked around the bedroom.

His bed was the same, the desk where he used to study and write songs was empty, besides a few left-over notes scattered around. 

His chair was by the window where he used to play guitar. A few lone corners from the posters he ripped off walls as the only proof they were there. 

His closet, and most importantly, the place he used to store his secrets. 

It wasn’t the best, but he didn’t really have a lot of options back then. He opened his closet door, and crouched down, looking for something by the lower shelf. He felt around for a bit, before finding the button, and when the shelf popped up, Kim lifted the top, opening his old hidden drawer.

There wasn’t anything important inside, only old family photos, notebooks, memories he had to shove away, hide from this world he was trapped in. Things he needed to forget.

He sat down, back against his bed, going through the old pictures of him and his brothers. The light in his eyes seemed to disappear as he got older. Kinn stopped smiling earnestly, each smile getting smaller and replaced with the fake smile he wears. 

His heart clenched, and old frustrations burned. 

Why? 

Why? They echoed.

He tore his eyes from the photos, as the feelings he had suppressed began to break through the surface, trying to pull him beneath the waves again. 

His eyes fell on his desk again, and he walked back over and crawled underneath it. It was a bit cramped, but he liked it. 

Words were scribbled into the wood, thoughts he couldn’t escape, thoughts that ran in his head. The comfort he never got from his family, but from this room. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, exhaling. 

Here, he was hidden from the world, from the pain, from the responsibilities. Under here, he could feel safe. 

Used to feel safe. 

He opened his eyes again as past memories came flooding back, his body remembering what he had felt back then.

His heart clawing in his chest, angry and in pain, trying to understand the world he was born into.

“I need to get out of here” 

He quickly went back to the closet pulling out a few notebooks. Most of them were from when he was young, and some were lyrics he never got to use; stories he wrote down to forget and get it out. 

He thought about taking them with him, but they would notice them. He picked one and put the rest back in their hiding spot together with the photos.

He’ll come back for the rest later. 

Meanwhile, Big was waiting around for the young master, thinking about what happened earlier. How Kim’s expression changed so quickly, how he shut down in a second, removing any sign he had once cared for Porchay. 

“Oh Big!” a voice suddenly sounded, and he turned around to see the usual suspects, consisting of Pol and Arm, walk towards him.

“When did you get out of your cast?” Pol asked 

“A few days ago” he replied with a shrug

“Let's go celebrate it!” Arm added 

“Why?” Big asked, why was that necessary? He’s still off work. Still back in training. 

“Oh come on Big! You’re one step closer to getting back in the field!” Big’s heart skipped a beat, a spark of excitement running throughout his body. Yes, he was one step closer to getting back into the field. 

“Plus Porsche knows how to throw a party!” the sound of Porsche’s name made Big hate the idea even more. 

“What’s going on?” A voice interrupted, and they turned to see Kim walking towards them.

Pol and Arm explained the situation and Kim looked over at Big who stared at him like a lost puppy 

“Do whatever you want” he spoke with a cold expression

“I don’t have anything for you the rest of the day” and began walking away, already dismissing Big. The bodyguard gave his coworkers a quick nod, excusing himself before following the younger master. 

“Let me drive you home at least sir,” he asked, as they walked outside the main entrance

“No,”

“Sir, please, I can finally drive you myself, it’s the least I can do” Kim stopped and turned to face Big

“What did I tell you about talking casually to me?”

“I apologize sir” Big replied with a bow 

“I drove my car here, so how would you get back to the mansion again?” 

“That’s true” 

Kim continued to his car, and once unlocked, Big opened the driver’s door for him 

“You should go out and celebrate” Kim spoke as he got in 

“Excuse me, Sir?”  

“Maybe you’ll stop drowning” Kim replied with a smug smile, shutting the door and driving off.

Once the apartment door had fallen shut, Kim was once again fully isolated. Pure silence. No Korn, No Big. 

No…

No Porchay to haunt him. 

Porchay…

He looked down at the notebook in his hand, and suddenly everything washed over him. The pain in his heart was clawing out of his chest, and he couldn’t stop the waves from pulling him underneath the surface again.

Seeing Porchay again, his soft eyes, were now colder and tired, and not pure and full of joy as they once were. They brought everything back. 

How Porchay would look at him as if Kim was his entire world. 

He was.  

Well, used to be. 

He fell to his knees, hand on his chest, nails digging into his skin, trying to stop his heart from ripping to shreds.

“It hurts” he muttered, sobs choking out of his throat, “it hurts!” He croaked out again, hot tears silently flowing from his eyes. 

It hurt to remember how Porchay’s eyes used to light up, how they sparkled with joy. 

Oh, how full of love they used to be. 

His smile, his laugh, the pure love and admiration he held for Kim. The way he never shied away from showing his true feelings. 

“Chay” he could barely croak out, as the sobs took over, and he cried out in pain and regret. All of the feelings he had suppressed and ignored for so long, he finally let go, finally let them tear his chest open, blood pouring out on the floor. 

He loved him and he never told him. He loved him, yet he pushed him away. 

A scream full of pain and agony spilled from his throat, emotions as raw as he had never experienced them in years. 

“Stop” he croaked, clawing at his chest still, “stop hurting!” He cried through gritted teeth, salty tears falling onto his lips.

What Park had said would happen, finally came true. 

It was finally too much for Kim to handle, the ocean drowning him

Why didn’t he just tell Porchay the truth? Why did he shut down? 

Porchay wanted him to stay. He reached out to him and he pushed him away again. 

“It’s for the better” he muttered, through sobs

He hurt Porchay, he made him suffer. It’s better if he’s not near Porchay. He’s safer that way. 

“It’s for the better”

Chapter Text

Porchay walked around the mansion with quiet steps and a pondering look on his face. He heard loud voices as he neared the lounge area, and saw Tankhun sitting with his two bodyguards on the sofa.

"P’Khun" he quietly asked, walking up to the three, who turned to look at him, Tankhun had a welcoming smile on his face as always. 

“Does Kim still have a room here?” Porchay continued as he sat down next to him.

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s still there, the same way as the day he left” he spoke calmly, then leaned in closer to Porchay, a serious look on his face. 

“No one’s dared to go near it since he left” Porchay was still in his seat for a while, taken aback by the serious look on Tankhun’s face. Then it disappeared in an instant and Tankhun was back to his usual crazy and smiling self.

“Why do you ask?” 

“No reason” Porchay replied, then looked away from Tankhun “Just curious” he muttered. 

He had been surprised when he saw Kim at the mansion, and when Kim walked away, he couldn’t help but go after him. He couldn’t keep up with him and wandered around for a while, trying to find him, when a door opened, and Kim stepped out, locking it behind him. Porchay hid behind a corner, so Kim didn’t see him as he walked away from the door, away from Porchay. 

When Big arrived at the apartment the day after Kim’s visit, the lights were turned off and it was quiet, except for the low sound of a guitar being strummed in a hopeless and melancholic way. He didn’t say anything, worried about how Kim would react. He was out on the balcony, and Big couldn’t see his face. 

He slowly walked closer and began to hear a low mumbling. 

“lost in your eyes…” Kim’s voice was small, broken, and lifeless as it tried to sing

“there was no place I could hide” It shook at every line

“take me inside…” there was a sniff

“... let me live in your mind” 

It was as if Kim had lost all emotion after crying them all out. As if his heart had been ripped out and died and now tried to comfort him even if he was empty inside. 

“No pain tonight…” his voice broke again, “this place reserved for only…” 

He knew it was about Porchay, and his heart broke 

“Sir, are you okay?” He hesitantly asked as he walked closer, now standing on the other side of the glass, Kim’s face still hidden from him. 

The strumming stopped for a moment but then continued in the same manner, this time without the broken singing.

“I’m fine” his exhausted voice sounded, and Big walked in front of him, now seeing his bloodshot and sorrowful eyes. Had he even slept? Had he been sitting here the whole night playing the guitar?

He looked down at his hands, but couldn’t see any signs, too scared to grab his hands by force. 

“Do you need me to get Dr. Park, sir?” was all he could ask in a calm voice

“I said I’m fine” 

“You’re not” 

Kim didn’t reply, but the glare he sent Big had him looking down on the floor again. He had overstepped his boundaries. 

“Didn’t you go out last night?” his hoarse voice asked, a lifeless look in his eyes

“No, sir. It’s later this week” 

No reaction came from Kim, too exhausted to talk, to move, besides the slow strumming on the guitar that was cradled more like a pillow in his arms. 

“Sir, please get some rest” his voice shook slightly. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted him to rest, and to forget about Porchay, but knowing Kim he wouldn’t take it well. 

Even now Kim was still glaring at him, and despite the pain in them, they sent shivers down his spine. 

“Sir, please” he pleaded, and maybe it was due to Big’s pitiful expression that Kim’s cold stare fell to the floor.

“Leave me alone” he mumbled in a strained voice, but Big did the opposite. With hesitant steps, he neared Kim, close enough to grab the guitar neck. He locked eyes with Kim, as he slowly took it from Kim’s grasp, telling him to let go. 

Once he had the guitar, Kim looked away, eyes empty and tired. He didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.

Big placed the guitar down on its spot inside before walking back out, crouching in front of Kim. 

“Give me your hand please, sir” 

Kim didn’t react, so Big slowly took his hand in his, holding it ever so lightly, afraid Kim would retract his hand at any moment. With his other hand, he opened his palm, tracing his thumb from the middle of his palm and down to his fingertips, checking if there were any scratches or bruises. His fingertips were red, and hot at the touch, and he was sure they were sore as well. 

He must have been staring a moment too long, as Kim pulled his hand back. 

“Sir, please go inside and sleep” 

“Leave” a low mumble replied, and his eyes were falling shut. 

“Sir, please” he pleaded again, this time Kim didn’t bother to respond, so Big grabbed his wrist, and pulled the lifeless Kim up, steadying him with a hand on his shoulder, before walking him inside and setting him down on the couch. 

He closed the balcony door, then went to the kitchen and grabbed some water for Kim, but when turned back to him, he was already asleep. A relieved sigh escaped him and he placed the water down on the coffee table before getting a pillow and blanket for the young master. “Why do you try to fight me when I’m here to help?” he muttered to himself, gently placing Kim’s head on the pillow.

“May you find peace in your dreams and not pain. You deserve that much, no matter what the world says” 

The sound of rain falling outside reached Kim’s ears. He turned for a bit, then opened his eyes to a dark apartment. How long had he been out?

He didn’t even notice he had fallen asleep, and he sat up to see the sky had turned to night.

His head was pounding and everything was dried up. He could make out the low reflection from the glass of water on the coffee table and downed half of it, before setting it down with a sigh. 

He sat quietly for a moment, listening to the rain falling as he let reality set back in. Everything was a blur, the last thing he remembered was Big finding him outside after crying all night. 

He closed his eyes, Porchay’s face popping up, and he opened his eyes again, feeling the regret pull on his heartstrings once more. He had already cried so much, he didn’t want to cry anymore. Not now.

He didn’t expect it to affect him that much. Dr. Park was right. He had isolated himself to avoid triggers and avoid the problems that had come spilling over him. 

At least, he wasn’t drowning anymore. Rather he was washed up on the shore after the waves had swallowed him. 

It wasn’t a sandy beach he had landed on though. 

It couldn’t be because, at some point, he’d be swallowed by the waves again if he kept going this way. If he kept burying his emotions, certainly he would sink again. It was much more a cold shore of a deserted island he had found himself on. Light rain drizzled down from the sky, reminding him he wasn’t out of the storm yet. 

He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to forget it all, pretend it never happened, but he couldn’t forget Porchay’s eyes. The guilt that now resurfaced. He could pretend and say he was okay, but he knew it was a lie. 

He wanted to see Porchay too but he couldn't. He just couldn’t even if it was an unnecessary pain as Park said, he didn’t care. Even if all he wanted was to stay close to Porchay, he couldn’t because he needed to be safe. He needed to stay out of this life. 

He finally noticed the note next to the glass of water and turned on a nearby lamp.

“Rest well sir. Please drink some water and get something to eat when you wake up. Call me if you need me to pick up some food for you”  

He leaned back on the couch. He really should get something to eat. 

Big’s hand shook as he turned on the bathroom light, despite deep inside wanting to keep it off, not wanting to look at himself. 

It was after his first actual shooting practice since getting the cast off.

His heart was still beating loudly in his chest, the cold sweat running down his hot neck and spine, trying to cool him down. He placed his hands on the sink, trying to calm his breathing.

Every time he closed his eyes, the anxiety came right back.

“Don’t think about anything, just focus on the target. Take a deep breath and pull the trigger” Chan spoke, and Big took a deep breath, but the tingling sensation was back, fingers shaking as he pointed the gun at the target. It was getting blurry in his sight.

“Take a deep breath Big” Chan spoke again. He took a deep breath as the gun seemed to sway between his hands. It didn’t help 

“Deep breath” Chan repeated, but Big’s heart only sped up. The pressure came weighing down on him, he had to succeed or he was not cut out to be a bodyguard. 

In the end, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t pull the trigger. 

He looked at himself in the mirror, what he had become. 

“Why?” he muttered 

“Why can’t you shoot a fucking gun!” tears were welling up in his eyes “Why are you useless!” 

“You finally got your cast off and yet!-” He took a sharp inhale, hoping to stop the sob from escaping his mouth. 

His knuckles were turning white from how hard he was clenching his hands. 

Why?

Every time he tried to pull the trigger, why did he fail?

“Why are you so…”  

“Maybe you’ll stop drowning” 

He looked at his reflection in the mirror again and took a deep breath. 

“You are drowning Big” 

“You’ve got to stop drowning” 

“But I don’t know how” his voice was shaking, and tears fell from his eyes and into the sink. “How?”  

His phone rang, and he knew it could only be one person. 

His hand shook as he answered his call. 

“Yes, sir. I’ll be right there” was all he responded to Kim, and hurried to collect himself, almost running out of his room. 

Truly Big stops drowning when he’s with Kim and only Kim. 

When Big arrived, the apartment was dark except for the couch Kim was sitting on, lit up by a small lamp. He didn’t turn on any other lights but walked towards Kim with the food.

“Thank you” he muttered 

“No need to thank me, sir” Big replied “I’m happy you called me”

“You should go back again. I’m fine” 

“I’m glad to hear you’re okay again, sir” 

He didn’t believe he was fine, but he knew he couldn’t press on. 

“I called you at a bad time didn’t I?” 

“No sir, not at all” 

Kim didn’t say anything, but the look in his eyes was obvious. He didn’t believe him. He was piecing together every clue on Big’s body and in his behavior. How Big slightly turned his face away from him, when he had answered him. 

How his hair was drenched despite the rain having stopped a while ago. How he fidgeted nervously with the same hands which had earlier held his own hands ever so gently. 

Even if he noticed all that, he didn’t say anything, because why should he care? Big was just his bodyguard.

A broken one, who didn’t take no for an answer, and crossed the line over and over again, disturbing the peace Kim had made for himself. 

Was it out of desperation or…

Kim looked away from Big again, not wanting to finish that thought.

“Just go back, you are training a lot lately, aren’t you? You need your rest” 

He glanced up at Big as he was silent for a while, looking down on the floor. 

“you’re right, sir” Big replied and gave a small bow 

“Then I’ll be leaving sir” and walked out of the apartment with hesitant steps. He stood outside the apartment for a minute, not wanting to leave already.

He couldn’t help but worry even if Kim told him he was fine. 

The rest of the week, Kim wrote avidly in his notebook, while Big was getting more and more curious about its content. 

He came by once a day to make sure Kim was alright. He was, to some extent. 

He didn’t really talk to Big unless he had errands for him to run. Mostly it was just getting food while he would continue to write in his notebook. It seemed it was all he was doing. Just thinking, writing, processing. Has he even gone outside these days? 

His eyes were different as well. Ever since that morning, he had that gloomy, hopeless look in his eyes, just sitting there staring at nothing. 

So Big kept worrying and kept checking up on him because Kim was not fine.

He wished he knew what Kim was feeling so he could help him. Who did he have to count on besides himself? Only Dr. Park.

He knew it must be about Porchay, but if Kim confided in him, he could help him get over it. He could help him get through his pain. 

One day as he went to Kim’s apartment, he realized too late that he had ignored his own needs. He’s still not eating well. He still couldn’t eat in the cafeteria around people, and he struggled with training. He couldn’t focus on getting better and his nose would start bleeding some nights. It was always his emotions that were the problem. Too irrational, too controlled by fear. He didn’t understand what was stopping him or why. All he knew was he was tired of feeling useless. Tired of being irrational. 

He was wobbly already when he entered the apartment. His head was hurting, he was dizzy, and his balance was bad. He’s visibly uncomfortable, as he swayed on his weak legs. Kim didn’t pay him any mind though, just like the other days. 

As he took a step, he felt his legs give out and he leaned onto the dinner table so as to not fall. 

“Sir” He started out, hand to his head that was throbbing “how do you… how do you shut down your emotions?” He asked, his vision was getting blurry, as he tried to look at Kim who was sitting on the couch. He replied something but Big didn’t catch it. 

“I’m sorry sir, what?” and he tried to step closer, squinting his eyes, trying to focus his vision, but his arm couldn’t carry him anymore and his legs gave in. 

The next thing he saw was the ceiling, and he realized he was lying on Kim’s couch. He tried to remember how he ended up there but the last thing he remembered was standing at the dinner table. His head still hurt, but not as bad as before. 

He could hear Kim speak to someone on the phone and turned his head towards the voice. 

“Yes” he spoke, his back turned to Big. There was something calming about him, the way he was standing with a straight back, no longer sitting in misery. 

“I will let you know when he’s awake” he responded to the person on the phone, and turned to Big, and for a moment they locked eyes. Big’s heart stopped beating for a moment, and it looked as if Kim’s breath hitched in his throat before he exhaled quietly. 

“He just woke up,” he added with a calm voice. 

The voice on the other end said something Big couldn’t make out, “How are you feeling?” Kim asked. 

Big didn’t reply though, he didn’t want to, couldn’t. 

“He seems fine” Kim replied, turning around again.

“Yes”

He glanced back at Big again “I’m not confident about that” 

“Yes, thank you” 

Then he hung up and walked towards Big, sitting down on the coffee table. 

“Are you ashamed?” He asked, not taunting in any way but genuinely caring. At least to Big, that’s how it felt. He could feel tears in the corners of his eyes, and maybe that’s why Kim asked. 

He looked away from Kim who let out a sigh.

“I need to make sure you’re okay”

“You can feel ashamed, embarrassed, whatever you want, later”

Big was tired. Tired of trying to hide how he felt, tired of trying to hide the cracks in his soul when he knew Kim saw right through it anyway. 

He was ashamed. Ashamed he wasn’t better, that he was still useless, still broken. 

What did it matter that he got his cast off when he was still broken? 

“Can you sit up?” his voice was colder this time, his patience running low

“Yes, sir” Big croaked out and began to sit up, but the pain in his head was still killing him, and it must’ve shown as Kim placed a hand on his back to support him.

“You’re not okay” he sighed, looking away from Big, wondering what to do. 

“Is it your head?” 

“Yes, sir” he quietly replied, and Kim got up, grabbed some water and some painkillers, handing it to Big as he sat down again. 

“Drink it” and so Big did, as Kim looked with a bored look on his face. 

“Thank you, sir” but the young master didn’t say anything, but got up instead, walking to the chair “You can stay here until the painkillers start working and the doctor has taken a look at you”
Big nodded, realizing who Kim had been talking to. 

“Thank you sir” he didn’t say anything, and silence fell between them as Kim began to write in his notebook again.

“What happened?” Big finally dared to ask, and Kim looked up from his notebook with that bored look on his 

“What do you think? You fell to the floor unconscious and I dragged you to the couch” 

It was a lie. A small lie, but Big didn’t need to know how Kim managed to catch him before he fell, carefully holding him up, and taking him to the couch. 

He didn’t need to know how he called out to Big in panic as it happened. 

“He should be fine” The doctor started out, checking Big’s pulse, blood pressure, and more. Kim was sitting by the dinner table to give them space but kept an eye on them. 

“How is your head?” 

“It’s fine, the painkillers are working” and the doctor nodded 

“Have you been sleeping well lately?” 

Big didn’t reply for a moment “I’m sleeping as well as I can” 

“So that’s a no” The doctor noted “I told you not to strain yourself” 

“How’s your diet going?” 

This time Big didn’t reply at all and the doctor let out a sigh.

“Luckily it’s nothing serious, you should be fine, but you need to take care of yourself” 

“I recommend you rest tomorrow, no training, nothing” 

“Yes sir” 

“Come see me tomorrow to get some blood tests done. I want to make sure nothing is wrong” 

“Yes sir” 

“Young master Kim” the doctor bid Kim who in return replied 

“Thank you. I’ll let Chan know Big is off tomorrow” 

As soon as the apartment door fell shut behind the doctor, Kim turned to Big who was avoiding his look. 

It was an uncomfortable silence that fell between them as neither said anything. Big fidgeted with his hands, his nails scratching at his nail beds. 

“I will take my leave then sir” Big finally let out, getting up from the couch, still avoiding Kim’s eyes 

“Can you drive?”  

“Yes, of course, sir” 

Tomorrow was a rest day, but also the day he had agreed to go out with others. At least he had enough time to mentally prepare himself for the night it would become.

Chapter Text

“Guys, it’s time to go!” Porsche's voice sounded near the main entrance as Tankhun kept up his excited exclamations. 

Who were they waiting for?

Arm and Pol made their way to the van, matching Tankhun’s energy with loud yells. 

It was going to be a long night Big concluded as he hesitantly joined the group. 

Big didn’t necessarily love going clubbing. 

Who was he kidding, he’d never really gone partying before. He’s been the main family’s bodyguard for as long as he could remember, and all he associated with parties were the drunken idiots losing control of themselves. 

Of course, partying was better than his apartment, even if he’d rather isolate himself. 

“Maybe you’ll stop drowning,” he thought to himself, as his anxiety came back up, wanting him to leave.

The ride to Yok’s bar was uncomfortable, with loud yelling from Tankhun and his usual sidekicks, and it didn’t get much better once they arrived at said bar. 

He took a deep breath and reminded himself of Kim’s words. 

“Maybe you’ll stop drowning” 

The group suddenly yelled louder than before, running off and swarming someone in hugs. Tankhun almost tackled them to the ground. 

It didn’t take Big long to figure out who.

Only one person could make them go crazy like that. He walked a bit closer, and slowly his face became visible through the group.

Pete.

His face turned to him, the smile disappearing for a moment, but then it was back up “Big” he greeted.

Big nodded “Pete” 

“Let’s get inside” Porsche spoke, after a moment of silence, and put an arm around Pete. 

Kim pulled up to the main entrance, turning off the engine. It was late enough for him to assume his brothers and Big had been gone for a while. He walked inside the quiet mansion and made his way to his room to get his notebooks.

He walked out of the elevator, and down the corridor, when the sound of a guitar playing from a different hallway caught his ear. His heart skipped a beat, knowing immediately who it was.

It couldn’t be anyone else.

It was the song he had written for him. 

He knew he should ignore it and walk away from it, but his legs moved on his own. He followed the sound and found Porchay out on the balcony.

He watched as Porchay played the guitar, the song he had given to him. 

It hurt. 

It hurt because even if they still loved each other, they couldn’t be together. 

A sound, a small movement caused the guitar to stop. Maybe Porchay just stopped all by himself, either way, it came to a halt and Kim, who had been frozen, snapped back to reality, and silently turned around, walking out of sight, and away before Porchay could see him. 

“Hello?” he heard Porchay ask, having felt or heard Kim’s presence, “Is anyone there?” 

and Kim walked faster while trying to be as silent as possible. 

“Kim?” his small voice sounded, and the disbelief was clear. Kim stopped walking, having been caught already. 

“How are you?” Porchay let out, his voice was soft but cautious. Afraid Kim would be hostile or walk away from him. Kim could hear his small and hesitant footsteps as he slowly neared him. 

“I’m fine” his voice was cold 

“Why are you in therapy?” 

“It’s not your business” he was about to start walking again but glanced over his shoulder. 

“Don’t try to come see me” 

“Why?” 

“Because you’re you? The oh-so-great Wik? I’m sorry excuse me, The oh so great P’Kim” 

“Or because you don’t love me?” It was low, a whisper almost as if Porchay didn’t want Kim to hear it. 

It hurt to hear Porchay speak to him like that, especially when he knew he hated being Kim. That those two weren’t the same.

He turned around, and after quickly glancing around, he grabbed Porchay’s wrist and pulled him aside

“If you have something to say, say it” he snapped

“Why?”

“Why did you send me that song if you didn’t love me?” 

Kim couldn’t answer. He did love him, but he couldn’t tell Porchay that. It wouldn’t help anyone because he still couldn’t be with Porchay. He still couldn’t be by his side. 

“But if you loved me, why’d you do all that?” 

“How could you?” his voice faded out, and his teary eyes searched for answers in Kim’s cold ones. 

“Sometimes I hope it’s because you’re incapable of loving anyone because it makes it easier to understand what you did” 

“Because you don’t know how to love anyone. Because you don’t love anyone” 

“Not before you” 

He wanted to say. It was scratching at his heart’s walls, begging to be let out. 

“I didn’t know love until I met you. That I could actually escape my life. You made me believe I could be someone else. Be Wik and nothing else. Be the person I wanted to be, not who I was born to be”   

But he couldn’t. So he didn’t say anything for a while, trying to gather his thoughts. 

“Why does it matter?” He finally spoke. 

Even if that wasn’t the truth, if that would make it easier for Porchay to move on, then that’s the truth. 

Porchay’s eyes were lost. A broken and confused look that made Kim look away so he wouldn't break down then and there. 

Why did it matter? No matter what, they wouldn’t be able to be together. Whether Porchay believed Kim could love anyone. Loved him. 

It’s better if he hated him. Saw him as a villain and a bastard who used people for his own selfish reasons. 

Without another word, without even glancing back at Porchay, he turned around and walked away leaving Porchay behind once again. 

He tried to ignore the sniffling behind him, but with every step he took, it got louder.

He deserved better. He deserved more than what Kim could offer. It didn’t matter if Porchay’s words hurt Kim, he deserved it, but Porchay didn’t.

He should do what he came here to do. If he didn’t, it would’ve been pointless, but he found himself walking towards the elevator instead of his room, wanting to leave and never come back. To never feel again, to never hurt Porchay again. 

The music was deafening, and it was somehow too dark and too bright all at once. Everyone was quick to pour drinks down, getting tipsy as fast as possible. Big tried to loosen up and accepted every shot Porsche gave him when a new round was ordered, repeating Kim’s words in his head every time.

It drowned out his grief, his pain. Sure, he’s not close to the others, but for a moment at Yok’s bar, he didn’t feel lonely. 

Ken’s death was but a distant memory. The misery he’d been enduring these past months faded away, and he didn’t mind how the alcohol made him feel, even if he began to stumble around. 

They decided to play a few games, mostly because Porsche needed an excuse to know Big better, to have him open up.

“Okay, next one. The first memorable sentence you can think of. Now!”

“Your Life is mine” Porsche answered as the first one, earning eye-rolls from some and awwws from others. 

One by one they all answered, and then it came to Big. 

“Must feel like the whole world hates you” he replied without hesitation. 

The others looked at each other, trying to figure out who amongst them it could’ve been, but Porsche quickly figured out who it was.

Kim. 

Was he in love with Kim? 

Shivers ran down Porsche’s back as the realization came to him. 

Big was in love with Kim. 

Chapter Text

“Must feel like the whole world hates you” 

It was right after he had been assigned Kim again after being released from the hospital.

“Your close friend turns out to be the traitor, Kinn, and Porsche are dating, and Porsche becomes the head of the minor family”  

“ I’m assigning you to Kim again” Korn had informed him as soon as he was back at the mansion. Big wasn’t surprised at all, after all, he wasn’t fit to take care of Kinn.  

“ You’ve been a good bodyguard throughout the years, and I don’t doubt your loyalty to the main family”  

“That Ken was the traitor, it’s not your fault for not knowing” Korn reassured him, but still Big kept the guilt in his heart. 

“Due to your injuries, you’re not going out on any jobs until you are fully healed, body and mind” 

“Yes, sir” Big bowed again. 

“You’ve suffered great injuries for us these past months, and it must have been straining too, so while you’re still healing, your only job is to be of assistance to Kim”

He’s the one taking care of Kim. He’s grieving, he’s hurting. He’s fading into a depression. 

What Kim said, be it intentionally or not, helped. 

“Assigned to Kim again?”

“Maybe if you shot first instead of jumping into the fire, you would still be Kinn’s bodyguard” 

“Maybe if you didn’t think irrationally” they meant. They, being the other bodyguards. Big didn’t say anything back. What was the point? 

They could think what they wanted, and talk all they wanted, but they weren’t there, they didn’t understand why he did what he did.

Why he jumped in front of Porsche. 

“Big, come on, you need to focus!” Chan yelled at him, but he was dying. The training was nothing short of torture and Big didn’t understand how it was supposed to help him get better. 

Every night, he’d return to his room, sliding down the closed door, falling apart. 

Every night, he’d return to an empty and silent apartment, with no one who understood him, no one who knew him. 

His throat closed up, and he’d put his hand over his face to muffle his sobbing. It’s not his fault, he’s an emotional person. It’s not his fault he’s honest. 

That he couldn’t hide his emotions, hide who he was. 

So when Kim said “It must feel like the world hates you” he didn’t hate it, because even though Kim said it as a taunt, someone noticed what he was feeling, someone knew what he was dealing with. 

Someone saw his pain, and for a moment, he wasn’t alone anymore. 

Big didn’t respond though, ashamed that his only place of validation, and sympathy, was Kim. That the only person who saw his pain was Kim.

When Big replied “Must feel like the whole world hates you” that’s what he remembered. The first person who saw him. 

“I’m tired of this sappy lovey-dovey shit!” Tankhun suddenly exclaimed in a whine, dramatically throwing his arms up, as the silence turned uncomfortable. 

“Why are you couples rubbing it in us singles’ faces” It was obviously in a joking spirit, as he threw Porsche and Kinn a loving smile, before going back to whining. 

“Come on! Let’s get lit instead” and the group was back at it, Tankhun up on the couch as usual, the center of attention as always.

Big didn’t mind and stepped outside to get some air instead, the music echoing through his head still. 

He was a bit wobbly, but not as messed up as some of the others were. 

*cough* Pol and Arm *cough* 

He didn’t understand how they could handle going out so often. It was draining with so many people, and so much noise, but at the same time he was able to relax for a moment.

He heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Porsche walk up to him. He wasn’t nearly as drunk as Big, but then again, Porsche was more used to drinking than Big was. 

“You want to know about Kim right? It’s why you wanted me to get drunk” his words were slurring a bit, but he wasn’t too drunk or maybe he was? 

Maybe he was that drunk since he voluntarily told Porsche what was on his mind. 

“No,” Porsche replied calmly. Was it a lie? Partly. Yeah, he wanted to know about Kim, but mostly about Big’s well-being. He wanted Big to know, he could trust him, come to him if he needed to talk.

“Not at all,” he added, taking a step closer to Big, who was visibly swaying on his feet. 

“Why do you keep thinking that? I care about you. I’m worried about you!” Big ignored the sincere look in Porsche’s eyes, refusing to believe him,

“Oh please!” he shot back, rolling his eyes “The reason you’re worried is because it’s Kim, and because you think I’m like Pete!” 

“No!” Porsche yelled this time. 

“Are you sure?!” 

Porsche fell quiet at Big’s words “Okay, you’re right”

“Pete is fine isn’t he?” Big replied, voice low “And Kim isn’t an abusive person”

“He’s cold, shut off, but he’s kind!” his voice began breaking, as his feelings came to the surface.

“I mean, if you really wanna know, why don’t you ask him yourself?! Or even better, ask your bro-“ he cut himself off “Ask...ask your boyfriend” His voice, was calmer and quieter this time.

When the time came to go back, the joy, the excitement, left Big’s body and dread filled his heart. 

Instead of going back to his room, heart beating out of his chest, yearning for him to run away, he ended up at Kim’s apartment, not entirely sure how. 

Did he walk there? Or did a car take him? 

He somehow managed to punch in the code and opened the door as quietly as possible.

“Why are you here?” Kim’s low voice sounded from the other side of the room. It was dark, the light coming from the moonlight and the city outside. It was hard to tell where Kim was, though the alcohol was wearing off. Only the pieces of a shattered lamp near the couch were visible, and the broken vase near Big. 

“Don’t like being in your empty room?” Kim’s voice sounded again, then he chuckled and Big could feel the bitter grin on his face, but he didn’t care about his words, only what state he was in.

How could he throw comments around like that when he was falling apart? 

Like the things lying broken and scattered around? 

With cautious steps on wobbly legs, he walked closer to where he had heard Kim's voice come from. Somewhere near the living room area. 

He heard a cracking sound from under his foot and looked to find a broken picture frame. 

He crouched down and took the picture in his hands. His vision was still partly blurry, and he couldn't tell what was in the picture. He softly placed it down on the coffee table, and as he looked back up, there he was.

He scrambled around the couch to Kim's defeated silhouette sitting up against the wall behind the couch. 

“Sir, are you okay?” he asked, sitting down close enough that he could comfortably reach out and touch Kim if he wanted to.

Oh god, how he wanted to. 

“I’m fine” His face was turned away from him, staring out at nothing, while Big's eyes were full of concern and worry. Pity. 

“You’re not” he was a mess. His hair, usually soft and perfect, was a mess as if he had gripped his hair in frustration. Locks were out of place, falling onto his face, a few strands sticking to his skin from tears falling. 

“Why are you here?” Kim asked sharply. “I didn’t call you here” 

Big didn’t answer, as Kim knew the answer already. He just wanted to hear Big admit it.

That he felt alone in his room. He felt useless, worthless, disposable. There was no reason for him to be at the mansion, no one needed him there. That Kim was the only thing stopping him from drowning. 

Big was ashamed of himself. What didn’t Kim think? First, he fell in love with Kinn, and now him.

He was a fool. 

“Do you love falling for people who will break your heart? Is this a way you torture yourself?” 

He could imagine Kim would say 

“Are you really that submissive and weak?” 

No, he’s not. He didn’t mean to fall again. 

He didn’t mean to fall for someone like Kim. Someone so cold, so collected. 

Someone so broken. 

Maybe Kim was right. Maybe he did fall for people who'd never love him back because he knew he didn't deserve love.

“What happened?” He asked instead but Kim just looked at him with empty eyes, reading him like an open book. 

“Nothing, leave me,” Kim replied, curling up with his legs against his chest, telling Big not to touch him. He was already too close. He had already crossed the line too many times. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be out celebrating that your cast is off?”

Big finally noticed how raspy Kim's voice was underneath his bitterness. 

“Or did you leave because of Kinn?” 

Big glanced down at his hands placed on his knees, inhaling. 

“No” he calmly spoke looking up at Kim again “The party was over” he calmly muttered “Is that so?”

“Sir, what happened here?”

He had the feeling it had something to do with Porchay, but not sure how. 

“It’s none of your concern” he spoke in a low voice, and though Big knew it was a warning, that he was crossing a boundary he shouldn’t cross, he didn’t care. 

He had already crossed it. 

“Kim, sir”

Kim looked away from him, shutting it all away again. 

“Must feel like the whole world hates you” Big spoke on an impulse. His heart beating out of his chest. He had no idea what was going to happen, he didn’t think about it for a second. 

Kim’s eyes turned to him, digging into his soul for a second, before he turned his head away again. 

“I’ll burn it to the ground” he only replied in a low voice. 

Chapter Text

“I’ll burn it to the ground” 

It was mostly in retaliation to Big’s comfort, a try to reject it and distance himself from Big, but he meant it. If the world hated him, it would be easier to burn it down than to make it love him. 

“I’ll help you” 

Kim’s eyes turned to him, once again staring into his soul, threatening him to spill his secrets then and there, because why would he help burn down the world?

“You need to leave” was all Kim replied. He needed to go. He needed to stop getting close to Kim. He couldn’t let him get closer, to understand him more. To know him and see him broken again.

“Not until you’re okay” 

“You’re drunk. Go home” 

“It was Porchay right?” 

“I said leave!” he growled, and in a second, Big was on the ground, Kim towering over him, his fingers digging into his throat again. 

“I warned you not to cross the line” his voice was low and threatening. 

“How do you expect to be accepted back in when you can’t follow orders? When you can’t follow orders?!” 

Big didn’t say anything, couldn’t say anything as Kim kept the grip on his neck. He put a hand on Kim’s wrist but didn’t pull at it, didn’t fight it, letting Kim keep his grip on him, even if it hurt, and he had trouble breathing. 

He knew Kim needed a release and to break more things than what was already broken, and if that was all he could be, all he could do to help Kim, so be it. 

“I don’t care how your dynamic was with my brother! When I tell you to leave, you leave!” he growled again, tightening his grip around his neck, causing Big to let out a loud gasp, tears welling up in his eyes. 

“Please” Big croaked out, but Kim ignored it. 

“You’re just a bodyguard and I’m not my brother!” 

“Please” he repeated, tightening his grip around Kim’s wrist, hoping he would loosen his hand around his neck.

“I’m not my brother” Kim only responded.

Gasping for air, and eyes pleading with Kim to let go, Big slowly raised his free hand to Kim’s face, tugging a messy lock of hair behind his ear, still pulling at Kim’s wrist with his other hand. 

The tears in his eyes blurred his vision, but he could have sworn Kim’s gaze softened. 

“I’m” Big croaked out, gasping for air again 

“I’m yours” he continued, and either he was finally passing out, or Kim’s grip finally loosened a bit.

He took in as much air as he could. 

“I am just a bodyguard, but I’m yours” his voice was raspy and shaky, but he got the words out. 

“I’m supposed to take care of you” 

It was quiet for a moment as Kim stared down at Big in silence. 

“Leave” Before I unravel even further.  

Then he removed his hand, and got up, turning his back to Big who gasped and coughed on the floor, supporting himself with one arm. 

There was nothing Big could say to make Kim accept his offer then and there. Kim didn’t want him, didn’t want his help, even if he needed it. Even if he should, to escape for just a moment. 

“Sir, please, let me-“ 

“-Go home Big” and Big, despite wanting to stay, knew it was better to leave. Nothing good would happen if he stayed. Kim would only resent him.

It was early morning or really late at night when he got home. No one was awake but in a few hours, the mansion would wake up, and everyone would be busy. 

There was no one looking for him or waiting for him as he made his way inside, and up to the quarters. 

When he stepped inside his room, he went to the bathroom, looking at his neck in the mirror,  red all around.

“Shit” 

How was he gonna hide it from the others? Porsche would ask a thousand questions. Bruises would form as well, and everyone would know what happened.

“We’ll figure it out tomorrow” he muttered to himself, ready to fall asleep.

To say Big was exhausted the next morning, well later that day, was an understatement. Mostly because he woke up just 4 hours later, by someone banging on his door, yelling for him.

“Big!” 

“Big!” 

Who was it? The voice was familiar, but he turned around in his bed and closed his eyes again.

“Are you there?!”

“What if he’s not there?” another interjected anxiously, and Big shot up, was that Arm and Pol? 

“What do we do?” Pol’s voice sounded. The knocking stopped for a second

“Shut up!” Arm then yelled, and the knocking continued

“BIG!?”

Big just sat in his bed, as the yelling continued. Why were they looking for him? And how were they up already? They were long gone the last time he saw them.  

Despite wanting to open the door, and make the noise stop, he couldn’t let them see the bruises on his neck.

“Big!” 

He got up from his bed, and into the bathroom, checking to see how bad it was. His heart stopped for a moment. As he thought, dark bruises on either side. 

It was worse than last time, much worse. If Porsche saw this… fuck. He couldn’t let him see it. 

What had he done? Why did he do that? Why did he go to Kim? 

“BIG!”

“SHUT UP!” He screamed at the top of his lungs. Silence fell, and his hands were gripping the sink tight, shaking as he tried to calm himself down, trying to figure out what to do. 

Bury himself in his room? 

That could work, but he couldn’t stay in here for a whole week. Well, technically he could. He frowned. 

What about training? 

“Big?”Arm’s cautious voice sounded.

“Fuck” Big groaned, running a hand through his hair. 

“Okay, we’ll figure it out, Let's just deal with the idiots first” he muttered to himself, putting on a pair of sweatpants, and searching through his closet for a turtleneck to cover his neck.

“What?” he asked as soon as he saw the two on the other side “Where did you go last night?” Arm started “You suddenly disappeared!” Big furrowed his eyebrow, staring at them both. How did they manage to look for him? 

“Okay, not us, but the others” 

“But anyway, you didn’t reply to our texts or our calls!” 

“We, they looked for you everywhere!” 

“Nowhere” Big replied with a shrug “Just went for a walk” 

“Don’t worry, okay?” Then he shut the door before either could say anything. He let out a sigh before walking back to the bathroom mirror. The shirt didn’t cover all of it, but it was noticeable unless you looked for it. 

He’s really useless. 

“Sir, I moved your session with Dr. Park closer, so it’s tomorrow” Big spoke. His heart was beating out of his chest as he awaited Kim’s reply. He was sitting out on the balcony again with his notebook. The damned notebook Big wanted to read so that he could help him.

“How’s your neck?” the young master asked instead, and Big’s heart skipped a beat “It’s fine, sir” 

“I’m sorry I hurt you”

“No, you were right sir. I crossed the line”
“I apologize for my behavior, sir” Silence fell, so Big left. 

The apartment was quieter, and somehow more gloomy than usual.

Dr. Park sat down in front of Kim, and despite him acting and looking the same as always, something was different about him. 

The perfect facade was cracking slowly. The notebook Kim had held last session was lying on the coffee table. 

“So Kim, it’s been a few weeks since we’ve last talked, how have you been?” 

“fucking awful”

Kim took a deep breath 

“I finally went home” and Park’s pen was ready to write down what Kim would say. 

“How was it?” 

Kim reminisced the past few weeks. From meeting Porchay to Big finding him broken in his apartment. 

“Something happened” Park concluded by the dark and distant look in Kim’s eyes. 

His eyes turned softer, and full of sorrow in an instant. He didn’t know how to start. Didn’t know where. 

To explain he could no longer focus on his mission, on helping his brothers because he was broken.

That Porchay had triggered the wall between him and his emotions to collapse in a second. Everything he had built up, had come crashing down. Everything was messed up and he couldn’t figure out what to do, where to start, how to act. He hated it! 

HATED EVERYTHING!

Hated therapy, and regretted going home because now he’s broken! 

Lost! 

He just wanted it to stop! For everything to go back to normal again! Fuck his brothers for making him go through this! 

Fuck them for never understanding him! 

For doing nothing!

“You seem angry” Park commented, seeing Kim’s eyes go through countless emotions in a second. 

“I am” Kim calmly spoke “I’m angry I’m here. I’m angry my brothers are putting me through this. I don’t want this”

Park was quiet for a moment, just observing Kim. 

“Why don’t we start with what caused you to come to that conclusion” A moment of silence fell between them.

“We could also talk about the notebook” Park gestured to the notebook with his pen. “You also had it with you last session” 

Kim thought for a moment then exhaled calmly. To talk about his family issues or to talk about Porchay, Which was more urgent? 

He shifted in his seat slightly, hands placed in his lap. 

“I mentioned someone I wanted to protect. My brother’s boyfriend’s brother” 

“You can say your ex” and Kim shot a glance at Park before looking away again. 

“I saw him when I went home” his voice was beginning to shake, and he was fidgeting with his hands.

He told Park about how he had frozen up and couldn’t face Porchay. How everything fell apart when he got back to his apartment. Once again, he remembered how Big had found him, and cared for him.

“You were right” he muttered, glancing at Park, before looking away again “I avoided going home” 

He had always known Park was right, he just tried to deny it.

”I didn’t want this to happen” 

“I didn’t want to-” he took a deep breath. Slowly the mask broke down and Park got to see the broken shell Kim had been these past weeks, drowning in guilt and regret from everything he had done to Porchay.

“Didn’t want to…?” Park quietly pressed 

and Kim took a deep breath, staring at his hands. 

“Didn’t want to end up like this”

“If I hadn’t gone home, I wouldn’t have met him, and I wouldn’t have remembered what he makes me feel” Kim’s eyes were glassy, and his lips trembled as a small smile crept onto his face.

“He reminded me of life outside of this. A life I could never get, not until my father is dead. Not until my brothers are safe”

Then he remembered how Porchay had reached out to him and he had ignored him, and the smile disappeared again, together with the small glint that had seemed to reappear in his empty eyes. 

“I hurt him” he muttered in a small voice “It’s my fault” 

“It wouldn’t matter if he knew the truth”  

Park sat in silence, waiting, knowing there was something else pressing on inside Kim. A bitter chuckle escaped Kim as he stared into the air, replaying the scene a few nights ago. 

“I protected him. Could I have done it differently? Maybe” 

“What happened?” Park cautiously asked, but Kim didn’t answer, so Park redirected the conversation.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

“Why not let him stay with you? If you still love him?” The pauses between his answers were getting longer. He had to calm himself, to put his thoughts back together, to be okay

“I’m afraid that he’ll get hurt again” he finally muttered

“He’ll get hurt whether you’re there or not” 

“You’re wrong” Kim snickered, but it was bitter.

“If he’s with me, he’ll get thrown deeper into this life. He needs to stay away from it as far as possible”

“But isn’t that you? Aren’t you the furthest away? He lives in the mansion you left to get away from this life”

Kim didn’t say anything, just fidgeted with his hands in silence.

“What’s stopping you? Is it only fear? Or do you believe he deserves better?”

“Maybe” then he paused again.

“I hurt him a lot. I lied so much, I manipulated him, used him” Another pause, a shaky inhale.

“I love him, but he deserves better” 

“I want him to hate me. I need him to hate me” 

“Do you think it’s gonna make it easier for him to move on?” Kim’s heart was beginning to beat faster as Park’s questions continued.
“Yes” 

“But from what you’ve said, he doesn’t hate you”

The bitter smile was back once again, as Kim recalled how Porchay had tried to justify Kim’s actions and Kim had shut it down, hurting him again. 

Why must Park say such hopeful things? 

Why must he try and make Kim believe there’s a chance it could work out? Even when Kim already ruined that chance?

“So why not consider telling him the truth instead?” Park continued, still calm.

“Help him understand why, if this is the path you want to take” 

The bitter smile grew, and a chuckle escaped Kim, as his fingertips began to tingle. As if electricity was running through them, and he rubbed his nails over his fingertips, anything to stop the uncomfortable sensation. 

“You make it sound so simple”

“Isn’t it?” 

“No, it’s not” A sniffle escaped him as he took a deep breath.

“You say it’s an unnecessary pain I’m putting myself through, that I’m hurting myself for no reason, but I can’t tell him”

“I can’t” he repeated in a shaky voice.

“Even if you’re hurting him?” 

“I can’t” Kim muttered with a small shake of his head. His heart was loud in his ears, his fingers shaking. 

“Even when it drowns you in guilt for hurting the person you love the most?”

“I can’t!” 

“Why?” 

“Because I want to protect him!” Kim snapped looking right at Park. His eyebrows and lips were trembling, eyes filled with tears, threatening to spill at any moment. 

“I want to…” he paused, taking a deep breath again

“Because I wasn’t” his voice was strained, and silence fell as the tears rolled down his cheeks. He took a deep breath looking down at his shaky hands.

“So I can’t” he muttered.

“I can’t tell him because he needs to be as far from this life as he can be” 

“The less he knows, the better” 

“I want him to be as far from this world as possible” He looked back up at Park who was listening to him in silence, trying to hide the pity he felt.  

“If I can prevent him from ending up like me, like my brothers, I’ll give my life” Kim’s voice was shaky but still confident.

“So even if I love him, I’d rather have that he’s safe” he lowered his gaze again and inhaled. Silence fell between them, as Kim calmed down, and Park took in all of Kim’s words. 

“I hate this,” Kim muttered to himself.

“I shouldn’t have gone home, I shouldn’t-” 

“If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be like this, I wouldn’t-” 

“Kim” Park's voice was calm and low. Comforting.

“Kim, no”

“There’s nothing wrong with facing your emotions” 

“You finally connected to the emotions you’ve been shoving down” 

“I want it to stop” 

“I can’t-” 

“I can’t be like this”

“Kim, it’s going to help you move on, to get better” 

“You said I was right, about you not wanting to go home, and how shoving your feelings away wouldn’t do any good” 

“It’s horrible right now, but it’ll get better. You just need to unlearn this unhealthy pattern” 

It was silent for a moment, as Kim calmed down, taking in Park’s words. 

“Do you understand?” and Kim took a deep breath before silently nodding. 

“Though I want to get deeper into some of these things, we’ll talk about them next week” 

“I’m glad you opened up about him, how you feel about him” 

“You’ve decided to take a tough path, to distance yourself from him to protect him. I hope it’s a choice you can live with” 

“Because it sounds like you’re giving up on the one thing that makes you happy” 

“Can you live with that choice?” 

“I have to” 

“No, you don’t, but you chose to”

“I’m here to help you, not exactly make you happy, but it is my job to help you get the best quality of life you can” 

“And your childhood, your emotions, your family issues are keeping you from the life you could have, or am I wrong?” 

“Are you happy like this? Happy being alone, isolated, shoving everyone away?” 

“I know we talked about it during one of our first sessions, but we’ve come this far” and silence fell, as Park awaited Kim’s answer. 

Maybe now, Kim would be honest, could be honest, finally facing his emotions. 

To Park’s disappointment, Kim shut down again “I’m fine.” 

He was like a machine, shutting down when something threatened the system. Of course, Park knew Kim was lying, they both knew it was a lie, but Park had pushed him enough for now.  

“I guess, we’ll start over again next time then. Kim, I’m sincerely happy you opened up today” Kim’s eyes faltered, an exhausted look in them as he nodded at Park’s words. 

“Take care of yourself, Kim” 

“I saw him a few nights ago” Park turned around again, looking at Kim who was sitting still in his seat.

“He asked me if I ever loved him” he paused, the painful and bitter smile creeping onto his lips. He inhaled deeply

“‘Why does it matter?’” Then looked up at Park, his broken eyes staring into Park’s full of pity and distress. Then he looked away again, the smile fading away, and Park left the apartment in silence, with Big following behind. 

Kim couldn’t change his choice.

He looked down at the notebook.

What did he write in it?

He wrote about Porchay, and all the things he felt guilty about. 

Then he wrote about his past, what was in the old notebook and he fell right back to Porchay because he healed the invisible wounds. The wounds Kim had forgotten about. Love is what he gave him. He wanted it again. He wanted it back. But he couldn’t have Porchay go through what he did. 

Kim knew what his issues were. He knew what he had to figure out, but he didn’t want to. He knew he had issues with his family, and his brothers had issues. He knew he shut down his emotions to cope. He knew he placed a wall between him and his feelings to cope, to live. To not break down. Why did Porchay smash that wall? Why did going back to his room do that? 

It woke up his past which he wanted to forget. It reminded him of what he was doing, and what was the cause. He was reminded of the rage he hid inside of himself. The old notebooks held his secret yearnings for a different life. What he would write when he couldn’t escape. They would become his escape again.

Chapter Text

After the last session, Kim wrote in the notebook again and needed to grab the others asap. He needed his escape. He needed to know he was safe. He tried to avoid thinking about Porchay, but then he’d think about his brothers and his issues. He had no escape!

He was drowning, deeper and deeper he fell, unable to breathe. He reread the files in his apartment, hoping it would help him forget everything. Then he re-organized them, putting them into piles of the main family, minor family, who has been there the longest, who they are loyal to, everyone’s relations, seeing how they all connect. 

Maybe he should have Big help him update them.

Could Big pull that off though? Would he be able to do that considering his current condition? 

A few days passed, and though the bruises were fading, it wasn’t much, but Big didn’t wear the turtleneck to hide them. 

Mainly because he didn’t care or forgot about them, his insomnia was still an obstacle. 

What did it even matter? 

Everyone already knew how messed up he was, and that Kim had done it before. 

Big had awoken to the sound of his phone, a call from Kinn requesting he meet him at his office, so he threw on his dress shirt and blazer in a hurry, put his hair up in his usual wolf-tail, and left for the office.

“Master Kinn, it’s Big” he announced after knocking on the door. The look on the bodyguards' faces as the door opened up, let Big know they saw the bruises.

They didn’t say anything as Big walked inside, and to no surprise, Porsche was by Kinn’s side “Master Kinn, Master Porsche” he greeted with a small bow.

“What can I do for you?” 

“If my brother is not busy today, could you tell him we want to see him here” 

“Of course sir, what is it about if I may ask?”

“We’ll tell him when he gets here” 

Weird, but okay, Big thought but didn't press on.

“Very well, sir, then I’ll take my leave for now” he bid, leaving the office.

When Big arrived at the apartment, Kim wasn’t there, at least he couldn’t spot him at his usual places as he glanced around.

“Master Kim?” he called out. The couch, and balcony were both deserted, the only traces being old mugs on the coffee table. “Sir?” he called out again. 

The dinner table was covered in files organized into different groups, but still no Kim.

Walking closer to the dining table, curious about the files, he spotted it.

The notebook.

The notebook that Kim had been grasping as if his life depended on it. 

The one he’s been writing non-stop for weeks. 

He knew he shouldn’t look, but he couldn’t help but wonder what Kim was always thinking about, what was happening inside him.

Who did Kim have to lean on after all? 

Only himself and Dr. Park.

He should have someone else to lean on. He should have Big too. Holding his breath for a moment, he glanced around, listening for any sounds. 

Then he picked up the notebook and opened it, landing on a random page.

Words I killed 

Know I’m miserable

Currently hurting after you

Words I kept 

Knowing isn’t merciful

Can’t hear about you

Words I’m keeping 

Know it’s madness 

Crying hearing about you

Was it kindness? 

Were I kind?

Know I’m miserable 

For what I kept from you

Can’t heal after you 

Can’t have another you 

      -Kept in misery crying hearing about you 

Big’s heart sank, and he closed the notebook, placing it down on the table again. His hand lingered, as he went over the words in his head. 

“What are you doing?” a deep voice sounded, and Big’s hand retracted as if it had been burned. He looked up to see Kim standing at the other end of the dinner table with his arms crossed. 

“Your brother and Porsche have requested your presence at the mansion, sir”

“What is it about?” Kim asked, leaning against the table, arms still crossed. Big had to glance away from Kim, his stare so intense his heart stopped beating for a moment. 

“They wouldn’t tell, sir, sorry” Kim let out a sigh

“No Tankhun?” 

“Master Tankhun has been keeping to himself regarding your therapy since the bugging incident” 

Kim nodded, before walking towards the door, grabbing his leather jacket on the way.

“Follow me” Kim spoke as they arrived at the mansion, and Big followed him to his old room. “Wait here” and Kim walked inside letting Big wait outside. 

He came out with a stack of notebooks “Put these in the car. Don’t let anyone see them” handing him the stack “Come by the office afterward” 

“Yes, sir” 

Then Kim walked away, Big watching as he did.

“Kim” Kinn greeted his brother, as the younger one stepped inside the office. He had gotten up from his chair, and there was a longing gaze in his eyes, and a hesitancy in his body language, wanting to greet his brother properly, but Kim just nodded towards Kinn and sat down in front of him and Porsche.

Porsche shot a glance between the brothers as Kinn sat back down again.

“I never got to thank you for saving my brother and me back in the warehouse. Thank you” Porsche greeted

“No worries Porsche”

The young master took a deep breath.

“What did you want to talk about? Me or Big?” he calmly asked the two. His eyes turned to Porsche

“I’ve heard you’re concerned about him” 

“He’s not doing well” Porsche started “His training is not going as expected, he’s having trouble using a gun, and even though he’s training well, trying to put on muscles, he’s not in it” 

“And there’s something else” Porsche added

“What happened to his neck?” 

Kim was silent for a second and Porsche swore the corner of his lips turned upwards into a smirk for a second.

“Am I not the one in charge of disciplining my bodyguard? The one I’ve been put in charge of?” his face was calm, with no hint of whatever had sparked that smirk, be it sadism, or satisfaction.

“I don’t think that’s anyone else’s business”

“What about his mental health? He needs to be mentally sharp-”

“-I’m not the one causing his self-hatred. At least not on purpose”  

“What do you mean?”

“Why would I break him when I want him out of my way and back at the mansion?” he glanced away from the couple 

“He’s breaking himself enough on his own” he mumbled under his breath 

“What?” 

“So what's this issue with the gun?” 

“According to Chan, he can’t shoot. It’s been weeks. Something is blocking him mentally it seems” 

“You don’t understand what he’s going through, and I don’t think you will” Kim started. 

Kinn looked at him, unsure of what to say

“You can’t just expect him to be fine. Should you? Probably, he’s a bodyguard after all, and if he can’t get better, maybe he shouldn’t be one”

“But maybe you’re forgetting how much shit he’s dealing with right now. You might be able to handle your stuff, but he can’t handle his” 

Kinn might have been conditioned to say it’s okay and move on, it’s how it is, but truly all of them needed to talk to someone about it, and Big had no one. At least he chose to push away the one who would listen.

“It’s nice to see you care,” Kinn said finally adding something to the conversation.

The smile on Kim’s face was bitter and fake “Of course he’s going to have a mental block with everything going on. He’s not even sure if he’s worthy of being here. If he’s allowed to be your bodyguard again, after what happened with Ken” there was a small pause before Kim continued

“He’s still in the dark isn’t he?” Kinn glanced away from Kim for a moment. 

“Would it matter if he knew?” he asked his younger brother

“Then why are you hiding it from him?” Kinn didn’t reply 

“Porsche?” Kim then asked, turning to the other.

“Kim” Kinn’s warned.

“I was just wondering why we’re keeping it a secret, well why you are keeping it a secret,” Kim said with a shrug

“So? Any comments?” redirecting back to his previous question-

“I know you think you’re protecting him, but what if it doesn’t work how you expect it to?” 

The couple didn’t say anything, just looked at Kim for a moment, pondering the question. 

“I’m assuming your silence means you knew that’s a possibility” 

“Is there anything else we should talk about or are we done?” he continued when the silence dragged on.

Kinn and Porsche exchanged a silent look, and Kinn took a deep breath.

“When are you coming home?” Kim almost laughed out loud at the drastic change in subject

“What do you mean?” he asked

“When am I moving back? When am I visiting again?” he suppressed another chuckle but for a second, felt his lips form a smirk.

Silence fell again, and Kim glanced at the table before looking back up at his brother, ignoring the quiet hopeful look in his eyes.

“I’m not moving back home”

“This place hasn't been my home in a long time” Kinn’s eyes faltered, and Kim tried to ignore the slight guilt that crept up inside of him, instead he got up from his seat, wanting to leave immediately, feeling his chest begin to ignite the fire of a fight he didn’t want to take.

Not today.

“What you said that night when dad faked his death…” Kim stopped at his brother’s words with his back turned.

“Did you mean what you said?”

“Yes, of course, I did” he glanced at his brother from over his shoulder “When he’s dead” 

“Why not now?”

Kim was quiet, then slowly turned around to face his brother who was fidgeting with his ring.

“You still have him to help you and guide you” Kim took a deep breath “You have our father and Porsche. You’re surrounded by smart and supportive people. You don’t need me” 

“I don’t have my brother,” Kinn spoke as he shot up from his seat. Kim, who had turned his back to him again, stood still at his words.

“Well, it’s a little too late for that” 

“Why can’t you be my brother?” Kinn shot back at his response. 

As if it isn’t already clear from our conversation why.  

Even Porsche can see why 

“Is this about what happened when you left?” Kinn added, at his brother’s silence. His tone was different this time, a hint of annoyance in his voice. 

Kim had to force himself from rolling his eyes and instead started walking towards the door again, close to combusting inside.

“No wait Kim- I’m sorry” the older brother then blurted out, and Kim didn’t have to turn around to know his brother’s face was full of regret and guilt. It was a tense silence that fell in the room as Kim let his hand linger above the doorknob, debating whether to leave or hear his brother out.

“For what?” His low but cold voice sounded. The chance of forgiveness for Kinn was close to none. The older one knew that. 

“I’m sorry for not reaching out to you after you left” 

“I’m sorry for not talking to you before forcing you into therapy” Kim knew he was being sincere. There was a hesitance and cautiousness in Kinn's voice but he knew it was from the fear of Kim hating him.

“It’s okay, just don’t be surprised if one day there’s a shrink waiting for you in your office” Porsche grimaced at this, while Kinn’s eyes fell to the floor in guilt.

“Kim, I’m really sorry” he spoke slowly, “I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn’t” he paused for a moment, calming his heart.

“Is there any way we can fix what happened?”

After a long tense silence, the younger finally replied

“If you want to know why I’m really in therapy, ask the cuckoo one, or don’t. I don’t care” Then he turned around 

“Porsche” he bid with a small bow 

“I’m sorry this is how our first conversation ends. Welcome to the family” then he turned around and opened the door. 

“Kim!” his brother called again but Kim didn’t stop this time, he just walked out of the office, the door falling shut behind him. 

He took a deep breath before spotting Big waiting for him. “Stand up straight,” he spoke, eyeing the slumped bodyguard up and down.  

“Who’s going to respect you if you look as broken as you feel” Kim muttered under his breath and while Big was processing his words, the young master turned and began to walk down the corridor 

“Come, we’re leaving,” so Big straightened his back, and followed the young master, wondering what he had muttered to himself.

“Young master Kim!” a voice called from behind them, and they turned around to see Porsche approaching them. 

Why? 

“There was something I wanted to talk to you about, without Kinn” 

Kim let out a sigh “What is it about?” he asked, though he didn’t want to talk to Porsche about anything.

Only then did Kim realize Porsche had one hand closed as he reached both forward, grabbing Kim’s in a form of goodbye, leaning in close to Kim’s ear, whispering something Big didn’t catch.

“I’m sorry for how the meeting ended” Porsche then spoke with an apologetic smile as he leaned away again, letting go of Kim’s hands. 

“Don’t blame yourself for something that wasn’t your fault Porsche” the young master replied. 

“Have a safe trip back” Porsche bid, and Kim gave a small nod, then turned around continuing his way out together with Big.

In the office, Kinn sat back down, his breath shaky, as well as his hands fidgeting with the ring on his finger. 

With the soft sound of the door opening, Porsche came back inside, closing the door just as softly.

Kinn’s eyes were filled with sadness. There was a tired look as well, telling Porsche how defeated he felt inside.  

“I’m sorry,”

“I forgot to mention something about Big” he apologized, sitting back down beside Kinn, taking Kinn’s hand in his to stop him from fidgeting with his ring 

“Really?” 

“Yeah” Porsche nodded, and Kinn leaned into him, placing his head on his shoulder.

“Okay,” there was a relief in Kinn’s voice, which made Porsche turn to him. Kinn’s eyes were closed

“What did you think I was going to do?” 

“Nothing,” Kinn replied with a small shrug, which was obviously a lie, but Porsche didn’t press for an explanation. He knew his personality well.

Though he could talk with Kim just fine, he was still fuming inside, unable to understand how Kim could talk to Kinn that way. His brother! 

Of course, he wanted to go after Kim and yell at him to respect Kinn. Did he know what Kinn had gone through?! How truly regretful he was?! 

At the same time, he also felt sorry for them.

He couldn’t imagine having an estranged relationship with Porchay the same way Kinn and Kim did. 

“If you want to talk about it, I’m here” Porsche spoke in a comforting voice, caressing Kinn’s hand. 

Kinn knew he didn’t listen well enough to Kim before he left. He knew he wasn’t a good brother, but he wanted to fix it. He wanted to understand why Kim left.

He wanted to be better, to have his brother again.

“I thought Big said Kim doesn’t hate me” 

“I don’t think he hates you. I think it’s something you said” 

One thing was sure. Porsche wanted to talk to Kim alone. 

Kim was fuming back at his apartment, throwing his old notebooks onto the table without care as soon as he entered, then stomping out on the balcony.

“Is this about what happened when you left?” 

Of course, it was! How could he even ask that?!  

Kim gripped the railing so tight, that his knuckles turned white and his hands started to shake. 

Of course, it was about that, and he had the audacity to say he wanted to fix everything?!

He closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

He opened his eyes, staring down at his hands which were back to their normal color again. 

It must be hard for Kinn though. His older brother was crazy, and his younger brother refused to speak with him, and Kinn was the leader of the family on top of that. 

Kim was not being fair to his brother, avoiding him and refusing to give him a reason why. He’s hurting his brother. Porchay too.

Everyone who cared about him, he hurt. 

Why? 

Why did he keep hurting those who loved him? 

To protect himself from being hurt? 

To stop them from being hurt even more? 

He snickered 

What a lie

The tears stung in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall, refused to let out as much as a sniffle for Big to hear. 

If Big was still there. 

“Sir, can I do anything for you?” a soft, cautious voice sounded from inside the apartment. So he was still there.

Why Kim’s heart trembled, he didn’t know. Was it from the fear of Big seeing him broken again? 

Kim didn’t say anything as he turned around and walked up to Big, who was ready for Kim to go for his neck again. 

Kim didn’t though. Kim’s hand passed his neck, and grabbed ahold of Big’s blazer, pulling it down, and off of Big’s body. Big’s heart was beating loud in his ears, as Kim dropped the blazer on the floor, moving on to unbutton Big’s shirt.

“Sir, What are you doing?” he tried to ask calmly, but his voice was shaking. Kim didn’t say anything. Big’s hands trembled, wanting to stop Kim’s hands from opening more buttons and exposing more and more of Big’s anxiety. 

He was too afraid though. Frozen in fear, all he could do was watch Kim unbutton his shirt while his own hands shook with anxiety, his heart beat out of his chest, and his mind told him to run away and cry.

After the last button was opened, and the blood had drained from Big’s face, Kim slid the shirt off and threw it onto the couch. 

He took a step back from Big, studying his exposed torso and arms.

Big wasn’t sure if it was embarrassment or humiliation he felt, as Kim’s eyes traveled over his body. He turned his face away from Kim, hoping he could hide the tears welling up in his eyes and his trembling lips. 

His scars, all of the wounds. The thin frame which used to have muscles. Big wasn’t who he used to be, he knew that. His body was ruined, its scars reminding Big of the things he wanted to forget. He turned his face away from Kim, hoping he could hide the tears welling up in his eyes and his trembling lips. 

Kim’s eyes faltered for a second as they reached Big’s neck.

“Don’t say I’m broken, when you’re no better yourself”. 

His voice was bitter and cold and sent shivers down Big’s exposed spine.

“I didn’t say you were broken sir” Big responded. His voice was low and shaking, and he turned his face to the floor, avoiding Kim’s gaze. 

“But that’s what you think,” turning his back to Big again, Kim walked out on the balcony.

It was silent for a while. Kim looked out on the city while ignoring Big who stood unmoving, unsure if he could put his shirt back on.  

Kim reached into his pocket, feeling the small rectangle between his fingers

“You know about Big’s heart, right?” Porsche’s whisper echoed in his head. He took the USB out of his pocket, staring down at it, wondering for a moment what Porsche wanted him to see.

“You know about Big’s heart, right?”  

Maybe he knew Big’s heart. How could he not? 

“I’ll burn it to the ground” 

“I’ll help you”

“I’m yours”  

He closed his eyes, trying to erase the scene from his head. He had avoided thinking about that night, not wanting to deal with what Big said, what he truly meant. 

Perhaps Kim didn’t know Big’s heart if Porsche was hinting at something else. Could it be related to the USB?

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment, placing the USB back in his pocket, trying to not think of what Big said that night. 

“Truly, your biggest weakness is love” he stated, turning around to face Big, now on his knees, clutching the black blazer in his hands. 

“Your loyalty depends on who you’ve fallen in love with this time” Kim was calm, leaning onto the railing, and acted as though he was just stating his observations as usual but Big knew what Kim was trying to do. 

Sort of. 

Big knew he was impulsive and irrational, but he could still be calm. He was a bodyguard after all, so after the initial shock was over, he took a deep breath, put on the blazer, and got up, standing with a straight back.

“But it’s not just me,” he replied, taking a cautious step forward, trying to keep his voice stable.

“Kinn and Porsche, Pete who quit for Vegas. All of them, loyal to the one they love” 

his heart was beating loudly in his ears, and despite taking deep breaths, his hands began to shake. Kim’s eyes were cold as they looked back at him, and for a moment Big couldn’t move. 

The young master’s eyes glanced over Big’s scars before looking back up at the bodyguard.

“You break your body for the person you love because you love them” he coldly shot back. Big sunk a lump in his throat, glancing at the floor for a moment to regain his composure. 

“How many times has your brother not taken a bullet for Porsche?” Kim was still standing cold with no reaction, then he turned to the view outside, letting silence settle between them for a moment, placing his hands on the railing again. 

“So with whom, does your loyalty lie now?” He calmly asked, in a low voice. 

The silence between them was tense now, as Big found himself caught in Kim’s trap.

Big placed a hand over his heart, hoping it would stop it from beating out of his chest. 

Big was no longer in love with Kinn, but if he said his loyalty was with the main family, Kim would believe he was. 

He couldn’t say whom his loyalty was with now, it would only be foolish. 

Wouldn’t it? 

“I am loyal to the main family, always” he answered in a low voice, and he was sure he heard a low chuckle from Kim, but why he chuckled, he didn’t know. 

“So is Pete, but his heart’s loyalty is with Vegas still”

Big turned his eyes to the floor. Then he heard the sound of Kim turning around 

“So where is yours?” 

He looked up again, directly at Kim, then down at the floor.

He couldn’t answer. To hurt, or be hurt, which would be the better option? To break himself for someone else, or break someone else, to save himself? 

“Truly, my biggest weakness is my emotions,” Big said, “but so are yours too” Locking eyes with Kim, who bore no expression on his face. 

Perhaps that was why he fell for him because just like him, Kim’s emotions were his downfall. A man out of touch with his emotions, broken inside, and a man blinded by his own, breaking for everyone else. 

Because he understood how it felt like to be struggling with them. Because they were each other’s needs. 

Kim didn’t say anything, because Big was right. 

“You didn’t answer the question” was all he said and Big tensed up again.

“What does it matter where my heart lies, when we know with whom, your heart lies?” He hoped the drop of his voice wasn’t noticeable, that the pain in his eyes wasn’t visible.

When no answer came from Kim, Big continued “Is it only, for you to know, who you can trust? To make sure, who you’ve captured to use?” 

He was cautious with his words, speaking slowly to make sure no emotions were noticeable in his voice. 

“So?” Kim asked, cold eyes staring down Big, whose words were stuck in his throat. 

“Or are you still the same coward?”

He knew Kim knew who he would answer, did he answer honestly. He knew Kim wanted to hear him admit it, despite having broken himself for Kim so many times. Despite them both knowing what was left unsaid. 

“I am your bodyguard” he spoke, trying to stop his voice from shaking “My body belongs to you” 

Kim turned around again.

“So you are,” He muttered to himself.

Chapter Text

“I am your bodyguard” he spoke, trying to stop his voice from shaking “My body belongs to you” 

Kim turned around again.

“So you are,” He muttered to himself.  

“So you are” because Big was still a coward, still ashamed of himself, still doubting himself. He’s still broken. 

Big took his blazer off again, putting his shirt back on while Kim kept his back turned, not wanting to see the scars again which had already burned themselves into his brain. 

“If you’re done getting dressed, leave” 

“Yes sir” a quiet reply sounded. Kim didn’t turn around until the door fell shut. He let out a deep exhale, going over the day in his head.

What happened with Kinn, and what they talked about. The notebooks he threw. Big’s cowardly persona he couldn’t fix, and Porsche’s obsessive concern.

Porsche was right about Big’s heart. If only Kim could make Big trust Porsche instead. If only he could make Big distance himself from Kim…

Yet he couldn’t let him trust Porsche too much, or else, wouldn’t he betray him? He couldn’t let Porsche get too close. Not yet. He couldn’t let his brothers get too close.

He went to the notebooks and gathered them in a pile. A deep breath escaped him as he looked upon them. He didn’t want to go through them, but he had to. He had to face the past.

Big stared at the pool in front of him in his suit pants. The shirt and blazer were left in the locker-room. 

It was night and no one else was there, yet he was scared of being caught. 

He still wasn’t part of the monthly evaluation, meaning, he was out of shape when it came to swimming in general and being able to free himself from captivity. 

If Chan caught him now, he would definitely… he would definitely take him off the training completely. 

The sound of the water flowing and running through the water system was inviting, and comforting. It beckoned him to drown out everything in his head. 

He wanted to drown everything out. The pain, the anxiety. Whatever kept him from getting better.

“A drowning bodyguard wouldn’t do any good” 

He closed his eyes and let himself fall into the water below, letting it embrace his tired and broken body. 

For as long as his lungs let him, he let his body float lifeless around face down into the water’s depth. 

For a moment he wanted to not exist. To not breathe, to forget he was a human alive and breathing, pretending he had died all those months ago. He just wanted to be at peace.

As his body came to reach the surface, his face feeling the lack of water around it, he took in a deep breath, keeping his eyes closed.

The only sound was the water and his heartbeat.  

“Don’t say I’m broken when you’re no better yourself” . He could still feel Kim’s hands unbuttoning his shirt, how they slid the shirt off his arms. The eyes which had threatened to tear himself and Big to shreds.

He opened his eyes, looking up at the pool’s reflection on the ceiling, listening to the water around him. 

Kim was falling apart. That much was true and Kim could not hide from Big no matter how hard he tried to avoid or gaslight. 

What had the brothers talked about to have him that agitated? 

Was it about the past? Surely it must have been.

“Don’t say I’m broken when you’re no better yourself”

Projecting, avoiding, deflecting. Kim was scared of his broken self being revealed. 

That’s why he kept the notebook so close to himself. 

Big left a deep breath.

That poem he had found in Kim’s notebook though… He wanted to look at it again. What did it say again? 

He closed his eyes trying to recall the poem. 

“Know I’m miserable…” 

“No, there was something before that. What did it say?” Reaching the edge of the pool, he pulled himself up to sit with only his legs in the water.

“It was written in a peculiar way…” 

The first sentence in the verse was with a W. A lot of them were. What did it say?

“Words… Words I Killed?”

“I need to write this down” he muttered to himself, before getting up and to the locker room, grabbing a towel to quickly dry his body before throwing on his dress shirt and blazer. Then he went back to his room quickly changing his pants, and grabbing a pen and paper. 

“Words… Words I Killed?” He began to write down everything he could remember about the poem.

“Know I’m miserable”

“Words I kept” 

“Knowing Isn’t miserable” 

“Words I’m keeping”

“Know it’s madness” 

He ran a hand through his wet hair.

“What was the order again?” 

The last line was with C

“Can’t hear about you” 

“Words I killed. Know I’m miserable. Can’t hear about you?” He wrote together as one verse.

“No, that doesn’t sound right” 

“Words I killed. Know I’m miserable. Crying hearing about you?”

“No, it was about something happening after killing the words. Currently hurting after you?” 

“Words I killed 

Know I’m miserable

Currently hurting after you”

The way the verse was built, the same letters repeating so often, it must’ve been something right?

“Words I Killed”

“Words I kept” 

W I K, he wrote down

“Wik?” 

Knowing isn’t merciful” 

“Kim”

Can’t hear… about… you” 

“C…”

“H…” 

“A… Y” 

“Chay” 

The last line, Kim had written underneath the poem. 

Kept in misery crying hearing about you 

“K, I, M, C, H, A, Y?” 

His heart sank, and he put the pen down. It was about his feelings for Porchay. He must feel guilty for keeping the truth from Porchay. That must be it, right? 

With the USB from Porsche there was a note “I thought you might want to see this” Kim plugged the USB into his computer, and opening up the folder, he saw video files and a file with the title “READ THIS FIRST”  

“According to Chan, Big hasn’t been able to pull the trigger since he got back into training. While looking at the CCTV, I found this. Let’s talk once you’ve looked it through”

In the note was a link for the first video file containing Big shooting a gun still in his cast. Though not well, he was shooting. Then he fell to the ground. 

Something had triggered him it seemed.

The next video contained Big breaking down outside the cafeteria, stumbling towards the elevator, then it cut to him running out of the building in a hurry. Kim looked at the date. It was the same day he had asked Big to come over and had hurt his wrist. He suppressed the gnawing feeling in his chest, trying to sink his heart into his stomach. He let out a deep breath and played the last video.

It contained Big at the shooting range again, this time without a cast, yet not one shot was fired. 

Kim closed his laptop and put it aside on the table. 

Why did Porsche want his help? Wasn’t he the one always worried about Kim hurting Big? 

“Is he that desperate?” he muttered to himself “That’s interesting” 

Kim walked into the mansion again, and all the way up to the oh-so-familiar office. Inside he saw Porsche waiting for him. 

“Thank you for meeting me, Kim” 

“Thank you for giving me the files” and Porsche let out a deep exhale as Kim sat down in front of him.

“Though I hate this I have no other option” he started out, a bit of resentment lingering in his voice 

“Do you care about him?” There was a moment of silence before Kim answered

“Why does it matter?” 

“Kinn told me you weren’t the type to care for your bodyguards, but Big won’t let me help him no matter how hard I try” 

“It doesn’t help because I’m not you” Kim snickered at Porsche’s words

“He’s incredibly broken, and though I hate to say this because of what you’ve done” he paused

“It seems that you’re the only thing keeping him alive right now” 

Kim’s smirk seemed to falter for a moment, his eyes were sadder, but so little you had to look close to notice it. “I don’t see how that’s my problem” he would have answered, had it been anyone else but Porsche. 

“So you want me to use that against him?” Porsche looked at Kim in disbelief “What? No-” 

“Are you sure?” 

Porsche thought for a moment “I just want you to help convince him to get help” 

“You’re the only one he’ll listen to. The only one he trusts enough” Kim was silent for a moment  

“Porsche, that's still manipulation. You want me to pretend to care and ask him to get better”

“I’m worried about you, please get help. You’re not the same person you used to be” 

As if Kim hadn’t used manipulation before, as if he’s not doing it right now. Porsche’s eyes fell to the table for a moment. “What’s that saying” Kim started out, pretending to think “Kindness without honesty is manipulation” 

“But it’s for the better in this case” Porsche calmly argued and Kim wanted to laugh. Porsche fit right in with the family.

“Do you really not care at all?” Kim was quiet, thinking it over. Whether he cared or not was not Porsche’s business. 

“Whatever he feels isn’t my business or problem. My only concern is whether he can be a bodyguard-”

“-Which he can’t” Porsche interjected, and Kim stared at him with no emotion, waiting for him to elaborate “You know he’s not well enough to be one, and you know even better than I that his heart is his weakness” 

“Even with my help, it can’t be fixed” Kim coldly stated, then fell silent for a moment

“I know you want to help him, but the more you push him, the worse you make it for him. Healing his mind is going to take a long time and he’s the only one who can heal it” Porsche was silent for a while, thinking it over. There must be something they could do to help. 

“So there’s nothing I can do?” 

“He doesn’t want your help, why?” was all Kim replied. 

“How’s your brother?” Kim cautiously asked after a minute of silence “He’s okay. He still gets nightmares of the warehouse incident and his kidnapping, but that’s expected” 

“Does he get nightmares often?” 

“I think it’s down to maybe 2 nightmares a week. It’s gotten better, but he still has trouble sleeping”

“That must be hard for him. I’m sorry he had to become part of this” 

I’m sorry I couldn’t protect him, he meant.

“Me too. I feel like I failed as a brother” Porsche opened up. He never really spoke about that after everything happened he realized. At least not enough. 

“You did what you could. You saved him-”

“-With your help” 

“-And you tried to keep him out of harm's way during the invasion. You did the right thing” 

Why was Kim so agitated? Why did he care about Porsche feeling like he failed? Because he knew how Porchay felt? How much he adored his older brother? 

Or was it Kim’s own issues coming up to the surface? 

“I’m sure you’re the only one who thinks you’ve failed” 

“I haven’t been able to spend enough time with him lately, and I can feel us drifting apart. He’s the same age you were when you moved out, right?” There it was. Kim wanted to chuckle at Porsche trying to make him talk.

“My brother still hasn't told you what happened when I left?” Kim asked, trying not to smirk, but the corner of his lips twitched upwards for a moment. 

“I know it’s none of my business-“ 

“As I said last time we met. Ask the crazy one if you want to know” 

Then Kim got up from his seat “I’m sorry I can’t be of more help to you” and walked away as he always did when life asked too many questions. 

Porsche leaned back with a sigh. That didn’t work at all.

Back at his apartment, he waited for a certain bodyguard to arrive. He sat in his usual seat, slightly agitated and losing patience the longer he waited. 

Finally, the apartment door opened and closed followed by quiet footsteps approaching him

“Sir, you called?” 

“Did you know about the nightmares?” Kim’s voice was calm and relaxed, but Big could still feel the hidden anger in it. 

“Yes, sir” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Big hesitated to reply for a moment, worried how Kim might react.

“You’d blame yourself” 

“Is there anything else you’ve forgotten to tell me?” 

“No sir, everything else is as usual” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, sir” he answered with a nod, still too scared to look at Kim.

“Tankhun is still keeping a distance. Kinn is… Kinn is worried, but the same, so is Porsche” 

“And you?” 

Big raised his head and looked at Kim who was staring outside.

“Me?” 

“Can you still breathe?” The young master asked.

“Ye-yes sir” 

“Good. I told you before. A drowning bodyguard wouldn’t do any good” 

“Don’t worry sir, I won’t let it affect my work for you”

“It already has though, hasn't it?”

Big fell silent, and Kim let out a sigh

“You passed out right here, remember?” he glanced up at Big, who turned his eyes to the floor as soon as Kim’s eyes reached his.

“I’m sorry, sir” 

“Go get a check-up with Chan tomorrow” and Kim turned to look outside again.

“Yes sir” Big replied with a nod and was about to walk away but first 

“Sir, if I may?” 

“What?” Kim’s voice was slightly annoyed, and Big took a deep breath to keep his voice calm.

“Can you breathe?” he asked, and when silence filled the apartment and Big knew no answer would come, he bid the young master goodbye and left.

“Can you breathe?” 

Kim repeated in his head with a scoff. How dare he ask him that?! 

“Can you breathe?”

Yes! When he’s not near his brothers. When he’s not in that house! He can breathe when he’s free! He can breathe!.. he.could breathe around Porchay…

Big sat down at the table in front of Chan who sat with a clipboard and a pen. It was a small room, and sometimes Big felt as if he was being interrogated. Chan started the recorder that was placed on the table. Every session had to be recorded, Big knew that, but he still hated it.

“Can you explain why you’re here?” Chan started out and Big stayed quiet for a moment, thinking, before answering. 

“I passed out a few weeks ago because I overworked myself”

“Despite being told to take it easy, you pushed yourself too hard”

“Yes sir” Big confirmed with a nod

“What is it going to take to make you stop?” 

“I don’t know sir” 

“Why do you push yourself so hard?” It was silent for a moment again.

“I want to help” 

“I want to be of use”

“Kim, how are you?” Park greeted as he entered the apartment, and Kim got up from his seat to greet him with a handshake.

"Okay, I suppose." then sat down with Park in front of him as usual 

“I finally grabbed my old notebooks so now it’s time to down memory lane” 

“Did you look through any of them yet?”

“I did” 

“Did you find anything?” 

"No," Kim lied.

“Really?” Park asked with a raised eyebrow.

“All those notebooks, yet none contained any episodes worth mentioning?” Kim didn’t say anything in defense.

“Kim I do hope you’ll open up this session about the past and how you came to realize your family was dysfunctioning and how you came to adopt this way of shutting down your emotions” 

Kim let out a sigh, looking outside on the balcony, where Big used to be, but not this time. He had his appointment with Chan.

“Haven’t we already talked about it enough?” Kim asked, turning back to Park.

“You said it was from emotional neglect, I said I knew, you said it was also a form of abuse, and I-”

“-Changed the subject” Park interrupted.

“You also opened up about Tankhun’s trauma, and about your relationship with Kinn”

“How you feel wronged and they should be in therapy, how they are still being manipulated and groomed. How you cannot breathe in that house” There was no reaction from Kim as Park spoke but his silence. 

“But there’s more to it. There’s more to your past which we still haven’t touched” Park continued. 

“What did the teenage Kim go through?” Kim turned his face to the windows again.

“Teenage Kim” 

He felt sick to his stomach at that sentence. All blood left his face, as had his worst nightmare come true.

He didn’t want to go back to that. Those years were better left alone, and Park could see it on the young master’s face. 

“Could we talk about what happened when you left home?” Park wasn’t scared of pushing Kim anymore. They’ve already been seeing each other for a while now. 

“It seems that’s what everyone wants to know these days” Kim muttered with a sigh. He turned back to Park, his fingers drumming on the armrest of the chair.

“Do you want to know what happened?” 

There was a dark look in Kim’s eyes, but his face was calm, just as it was that day.

He had a calm face as he left that day, but the day before, anger had been burning hot. 

“This isn’t normal!” he yelled at his brothers.

“We’re fine!” Kinn had yelled back, eyebrows tightened the way they did when Kinn was confronted with the harsh reality and he tried to keep himself together. He took a sip of the whiskey glass he had poured him, Kim’s eyebrows twitching at the sight of it.

“No you’re not!” the younger brother yelled out at his brothers once more.

It wasn’t normal. This family wasn’t normal. Maybe they didn’t see it, couldn’t see it, and didn’t want to but Kim did. 

Kim saw the grooming, the abuse, the lies but they didn’t, no matter how much he tried to show them. He thought maybe talking to them straight on would help.

It didn’t.

Tankhun was silent, not knowing how to respond to Kim’s words. 

“How can you say you’re fine when Khun’s been fucked up since he was young?” Kim’s voice was lower now, yet still as angry as before. 

“Kinn, you’re not well either- Put. The. Glass. Down!” His voice turned low and commanding as he walked up to his brother, grabbing the glass of alcohol out of his hand and walking back to his spot, before putting the glass down in front of him, away from Kinn. 

“Could you stop being such a-” Kinn took a deep breath, stopping himself from cursing at his brother, clenching his fists instead “You’re starting to piss me off, Kim!” 

“Stop worrying about us! We’re fine! Sure, we’re not normal compared to other families, but this isn’t a normal family is it?!” 

Kim didn’t say anything, just glanced between his brothers, wondering if it was even worth helping them anymore. 

“So you’re just gonna accept this?” he finally spoke, in a low and calm voice. He had started to distance himself again. 

“You accept your booze-coping life with a side of depression and anxiety?” 

How could they accept this suffocating life? How could they live, having to hold their breath in their own home?

“Why are you not saying anything?” Kim was staring right at Tankhun, who turned his look onto the floor.

“Really?” Kim scoffed at his brother’s silence “You’re usually the loudest one in the room” 

“Kim just let it go, please” was all he said.

The youngest fell silent again, a quiet nod being the only response. 

“So everything’s fine here? I’m just making shit up?” 

“That’s not what we said, Kim-” 

“No, but you might as well have” 

“Khun is fine, you’re fine, everything is fine. Khun’s not crazy because of what happened and you’re not…” 

Kim couldn’t finish his sentence as he stared at Kinn, the future leader of the family. The family that was dysfunctional and a nightmare. The family which wasn’t a family at all. 

“You’re right” he spoke, his voice low but thin, his eyes no longer angry but just sad. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go to my room”  

“You wanna know what happened?” Kim repeated, a bitter smirk forming for a second.

“I tried to tell them, but they didn’t believe me and I got angry and I left the house” 

“What’s the long version?” 

After a moment of hesitation, Kim told Park what had happened, though leaving out some details, mostly him smashing one of his guitars when he left his brothers after their talk, and deciding it was the last time he’d ever be that angry and last time he’ll lose control till he’s succeeded.

“I was on my own so I decided to leave” 

“Sometimes I wonder if Tankhun was quiet because I had figured it out and didn’t know how to react” 

It was quiet for a moment, as Park processed what Kim had told him, and written down his notes. 

“Who was there when you left home?”

“Was your bodyguard there?” Park asked.

“Big?” Kim asked, and Park nodded. 

“Yes” Kim slowly replied. “though he was Kinn’s back then” 

“But he knows what happened?” 

“Yes” 

“Do you trust your bodyguard?” Kim was quiet for a moment, his hand fidgeting with his hair.

“No. I don’t. I don’t trust anyone” 

“I know, but when it comes to you and your brothers, would you trust him?” Kim was quiet again, his hand now resting on the armrest.

“He was ordered by my brother to bug my apartment, and he helped them with this” gesturing between Park and himself.

“But he did tell you”

“Eventually. Forced” Kim replied.

“He looked through my notebook as well,” he added. 

“Do you trust that he will protect you?”

Kim didn’t say anything, afraid of what he was going to say. Afraid of admitting it.

At the same time, he knew it was the truth and the truth was scary, that he knew Big was loyal to him. 

“Yes” 

“Good. You need someone to trust, someone to lean on. He was there when you left, so he knows part of your story. I want you to rely on him more” 

“Besides yourself, who else do you have?” 

Kim turned his eyes to the floor. Park was right, but he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to rely on Big, on anyone. 

“Speaking of Big, I talked to Kinn recently. He wanted to discuss Big’s well-being” 

“How did it go? I assume this is not about the Big part of the discussion”

“He asked me when I was coming home” 

“I told him once our father was dead because he still has our father to support him and so he wouldn’t need me” 

“but he said he didn’t have his brother” 

“and I told him it’s a little too late…” Kim paused remembering their conversation

“Is this about what happened when you left?” He still remembered Kinn’s voice when he said that. 

“He asked if it was about what happened when I left. I didn’t answer, but he realized it was, and said he was sorry” 

“For what?” 

“For not reaching out after I left and not talking to me before sending you here” Kim’s face was calm, but hints of distrust in it. 

“You don’t believe he’s sorry?” Park asked. 

“I don’t think he really understands what he’s supposed to be sorry for”

“He wanted to fix what happened, but he doesn’t even understand what happened” 

“Maybe he hoped you would open up and explain it to him so he could have a chance to know and fix it” 

“I know”

“I don’t want to tell him. He already knew it was about what happened back then. He should be able to figure out what is”

“I don’t wanna explain it again” 

Chapter Text

“I want to help” 

“I want to be of use”

It was quiet for a moment. 

“Is that all?” Chan asked.

“Because you want to prove your worth?” Big looked down at his hands placed in his lap. 

“I just want to help. I’m useless. I do nothing. I can’t train, I can’t fight I can’t-” 

“I can’t do anything” 

“Because you’re not getting better Big” 

“You’re not getting better because you’re not taking care of yourself” 

“You work and work, but you don’t eat or sleep enough. You don’t let yourself heal or rest” 

“I’ve rested enough already” 

“You haven’t healed though, have you?” 

“From what? My arm is fine” 

“You still blame yourself don’t you?” Chan let out a sigh

“Ken wasn’t your fault” 

“I know that already” 

“But it doesn’t change anything for me” 

“If I hadn’t been so blind, maybe I could’ve figured it out before it was too late. If only I had been more cynical like Kinn and Kim-” 

“If only I were stronger, I’d be a better bodyguard” 

“I realize I've gone about this wrong” Chan admitted. 

“It takes time to heal, to learn to live with what happened. Months, a year, maybe more. We can’t expect- and we don’t- for you to be fine, but you want to be fine already, you want the pressure, but you’re collapsing under it because your mind can’t keep up”

“I can’t let you ruin yourself. You need to get out of this hole you’ve dug yourself into” 

“You keep sitting in this blame and guilt, and I understand, but you have to move on. You have to forgive yourself for what happened, and I know it’s hard for you, but that’s the only thing that can help you move forward” 

“But you just said that it can take a year or more” 

“Does that mean I can’t train or work at all?” 

“You’ll still train, but we are keeping a closer eye on you mentally and emotionally. It’s our fault for not giving you more support”

“We’ll continue the 1 on 1 training, but you have to promise you won’t overwork yourself” 

It was quiet.

“I need some time to think about it”

“Of course” 

Though Chan’s words helped Big understand part of the problem, and let him know that they cared, he still lacked something. He wanted Big to take his time, but still move on. How did that make sense? 

He thought he had made peace with it, hadn’t he? 

Big went to Kim’s apartment to drive Dr. Park back to his office. Kim asked him to return to the apartment afterward. 

“Why do you push yourself so hard?” 

Because he wanted to help and get better. He wanted to prove he could still be a bodyguard despite everything he’s been through.  

“How did the check-up go?”

“Fine, sir” 

“What did Chan say?” 

“We’ll continue with the 1 on 1 training, but they’ll keep a closer eye on me” 

“Is that all?”

Big was quiet, hesitating. To tell the truth, so Kim could know how broken he still was, or lie? He wanted to tell Kim, but he shouldn’t, for his own good. He needed to prove he could stand by Kim.

“Yes” 

“Why do you keep trying to lie?”

“I’m sorry sir, I just, don’t want to talk about it” 

“Okay” 

“Take care of yourself Big” 

“Sir” 

“What?” 

“How do you control your emotions? How do you just shut them down and focus on the mission?” 

Kim didn’t know what to answer. 

“You learn to” 

“You’d think, with everything you’ve been through, you’d have learned it” More he didn’t say.

“It’s crazy you still trust those close to you after what happened” he then added, for no reason it seemed.

He was right though. Why did it hurt Big more that Ken died than the fact that he had betrayed him? Lied to him? Someone he saw as a brother?

“Is there anything else, sir?” 

“Is Tankhun still keeping to himself?” 

“Somewhat. He’ll go out if the group decides to party, but besides that, he keeps to himself” 

“And Porchay? Do they still talk?” 

“I’m not sure sir. I’ll check up on it when I get back. Porchay is rather quiet around the mansion in general” 

“Make sure he doesn’t go snooping around” 

“Of course, sir” 

“Let me know the minute my oldest brother is out of his room for a longer period” 

“Of course, sir. Is there a reason?” 

“The audio file. I want to see if he still has it”

“Why don’t you just hack into his computer from here, sir?” 

“If I could, I would”

“Of course, sir, sorry for asking”  

“Doesn’t matter. You can go” 

“What did the teenage Kim go through”  

“Calm down Kim” he muttered “Calm down” as his fight or flight instinct started to make its way into him.

What didn’t he go through? 

Porsche looked out on the city with a lit cigarette between his lips. 

He should stop looking into Kim and Big. Why did it even matter anymore? 

Big trusted Kim, and Big was improving? 

Porsche couldn’t tell anymore, but at least Kim hadn’t laid a hand on him since that night. Why Big had gone there, Porsche didn’t want to know.

Kim was impossible to figure out and basically removed himself from the family anyway. It was between the brothers, even if Porsche hated to see Kinn so defeated.

“This family…” he muttered, running a hand across his face in frustration. 

“What’s wrong now?” 

Porsche turned around to see his brother make his way towards him, and he put out the cigarette. 

“Chay!” he greeted, walking towards his brother, throwing an arm around the younger’s shoulders, pulling him in close 

“What’s up?” 

“I was bored” the younger replied with a pout. They sat down on the bench. 

“So what’s with you?” 

“Remember how I was curious about Kim and why he left home?” 

“Yeah,” he replied with a soft nod. A sigh escaped the older brother who crossed his arms.

“Well, I didn’t figure it out, and I don’t think I’ll keep on trying”

“Oh…Why not?” Porchay tried to keep his voice neutral, and not sound too interested.

Porsche only shrugged at his brother’s question. 

“I’m not sure, I just…” he let out a deep breath, gathering his thoughts.

“Kim left, and doesn’t want to be part of the family”

“I’m still curious about why he left because it’s weighing on Kinn a lot lately, and I want to help him”

“But Kim, well…” he trailed off.

“You’re not worried about him anymore?” Porchay cautiously asked, his hands gripping the seat of the bench tight.

“Worried” Porsche started out “I mean, I’m not worried about Kim. I’m worried about his and Big’s relationship, because of Big, but I’m not helping at all”

It was silent for a moment as Porsche thought, the wheels visibly turning in his head from his brother’s perspective. 

“We talked to Kim recently” Porchay’s heart skipped a beat

“You whAt?” His voice cracked from the unexpected tea. Porsche looked at him for a second but didn’t think much of it. 

“Well Kinn and I talked to Kim about Big, and-” he cut himself short. Porchay tried to keep his curiosity from seeping out, but was sure his eyes did hide anything at all. 

“What did he say?” 

Porsche thought for a moment “It’s not what he said, it’s how he said it” Porchay turned his eyes to the ground, immediately relating to what his brother said.

“He’d say he doesn’t care, yet he talked with lots of empathy and understanding” Porchay softly nodded.

“I can’t tell what’s real or not” Porsche continued

“Mhm,” Porchay agreed. It was hard to tell what was real with Kim. He loved to protect himself. 

A moment of silence passed them. 

“Chay, do you wanna go somewhere, just the two of us?” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, let’s go somewhere” 

“Can I think about it?” 

“Of course” 

Kim snuck into the mansion, an earbud in his ear, and on a call with Big who found his way to the security room. He was going to make sure Kim could get to Tankhun’s room without being seen, and get rid of the footage of Kim if needed. His brothers were downstairs partying. The usual suspects with them. 

Kim just had to get up to Tankhun’s room and out again once he was done. 

Getting in was pretty easy as they were all at the same place.

Kim closed the door behind him quietly, and looked around his brother’s room, getting an overview of it. 

Then he went to his brother’s desk and opened up his laptop, easily figuring out his password. “Big, what’s the status?” 

“Everything is fine, sir. They’re still down in the lounge”  

He looked around on the laptop, looking for the bugging program, it would have been installed on here. There would be a trace of it. 

After a while, he found it and found the audio file. He played part of it to make sure, transferred it to the USB he had brought with him, and deleted the file on Tankhun’s laptop “That was easy” he mumbled to himself as he shut the laptop. 

His heart skipped a beat.

“Too easy?” It was too easy, but why would he keep it hidden far away?

He wouldn’t. Would he? 

“Did you find it, sir?”
“Yes, let’s get out” 

Since getting in was easy, you’d think getting out was easier. Wrong. 

Arm and Job were dead, trying to find their way back to their room, and getting Tankhun back to his room, while the rest were moving around constantly. 

Why? Kim didn’t know. 

For a while it went pretty well, as he took the backstairs, avoiding most of the obstacles. 

As he made it down another flight to the floor his old room was on, he came to a stop.

“You know, about Kim” Kinn started out. 

It came from the open balcony door to his left. It was obvious Kinn was drunk with the way his words were already slurring. 

On the right side of the staircase was an entrance to a small lounge. The longer Kim stayed frozen, the more it reeked of alcohol. 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to Kinn” Porsche’s reply sounded more sober than his brother’s.

Kim hid up against the wall between the staircase and the balcony, making sure he was hidden from the glass part by the open balcony door. He peaked out of the window and saw them sitting a few meters down the balcony, to the right on the cement steps, as they looked out on the night sky. Kim could make out the whiskey glass in his brother’s hands, but the whiskey bottle at his brother's side on the steps was easy to notice. 

Kim tried to ignore the familiar knot forming in his chest and turned away from the windows. 

He could easily leave without them seeing him unless they turned their heads towards the door while he was peeking out at them.

“I don’t know why but I’m so angry!” His voice sounded more sad than angry to Kim.

“At Kim?” Porsche asked in a calm voice. 

Escaping wasn’t an issue, but he was glued to their conversation.

“I don’t know, I’m just” Kinn took a sharp inhale, trying to stop his voice from breaking

“I don’t know” A sniffle could be heard, and once again, Kim ignored the tugging on his heart.

“I mean… He left, didn’t talk to us, didn’t visit us” 

“Sir, what are you waiting for?” Big’s voice sounded in Kim’s ear, but it quickly drowned out.

“Even before that, even before he just…” 

There was a pause in Kinn’s rant, and Kim took a quick peak outside again.

“I don’t know him” 

Kim could see the teardrop fall from his brother’s eye, and turned away once again, feeling the waves threatening to come crashing onto the shore.

“I don’t know who my brother is” Kim found himself leaning onto the wall for full support. 

“Sir, please go”
Kim ignored Big’s pleading and focused on the conversation outside.

It was silent for a moment 

“He loves playing music” Kinn’s voice was shaky, and full of tears “Well at least he did. I don’t know if he still plays” Without looking, Kim could tell Kinn had a broken and bittersweet smile on his lips. 

He felt himself take a deep inhale, trying to stop his heart from speeding up and tearing him apart. 

“I don’t-” Kinn broke his sentence, unable to finish it. Kim shut his eyes again, his throat closing up. 

Calm down Kim, calm down

“When he first left I thought, he’d come back soon”

“we’re family, he can’t leave us” 

“He…He wouldn’t just desert the family” 

Ignore it. Ignore it. You had to leave, you had to leave

Kim placed his hands behind his back to stop them from shaking.  

“I mean you can’t, you just can’t!” Despite Kinn’s voice being tearful and broken, this time there was a bit of frustration in it. 

“I was angry for a while back then. How could he leave us?” Kim turned his eyes to the ceiling, trying to dissociate. 

Why was he still listening? 

Why? 

“How could he leave us and just pretend we don’t exist?” Kinn paused for a moment again with another sniffle.

“But I got used to it” Kim ignored how his heart seemed to sink his chest, dragged down by claws ever so slowly. He tried to ignore it and his brother’s pained voice, thick with tears. 

“I thought I could live, not really having a brother. I mean, I still had Tankhun, and we weren’t close before anyway” Kinn paused again, and Kim could hear the shaky inhale he took, trying to keep the sobs down. 

He closed his eyes, trying to focus on calming down once more, trying to shut himself down.

“But I couldn’t” A painful chuckle escaped his brother, and it took everything in Kim to not unravel. Though he tried to take deep breaths, it didn’t help. Whenever he exhaled, he could hear the shakiness, and feel it in his body.

“When I saw you and Porchay-” Kinn couldn’t continue the sentence, his voice too choked up with tears sobs threatening to spill.

“-I know it’s my own fault”

“Sir, please go now” 

“I was a shitty brother, but I want to fix it”

Kim sunk the lump in his throat, his eyes staring down at the floor, dissociating. 

“but Kim-” 

“Sir, please, you don’t have all night” 

“After last time, I don’t think it’s possible” 

A tear threatened to fall from Kim’s eyes and he closed his eyes, taking a deep shaky breath once more. 

“I’m so angry at myself”

Though Kim had left partly because of his brothers, it was also for his brothers, but he couldn’t tell them that. 

He clenched his fists so tight, his nails dug into his skin, but it didn’t help. He couldn’t drown out the guilt he had tried to avoid. The guilt from leaving his brother with this pain and confusion.

Making him believe Kim hated them, truly hated them and didn’t want to help them at all. 

Kim took a deep breath, slowly exhaling before replying to Big.

“Is someone coming?” he quietly whispered, his voice calm and low.

“No” 

“Then what?” 

“Sir, it’s Porchay, he’s trying to get into your room” and Kim’s heart stopped beating for a moment. All blood left his face, and he closed his eyes again, a deep breath escaping him, as he felt himself break apart. 

Fuck. 

It can’t be. 

“Sir, I’ll handle it please just leave” 

“I don't,” Kinn’s voice sounded.

“I don’t know what to do” 

Kim took a quick look through the windows again and saw Kinn get up, glass in one hand, clearly drunkenly swaying as he did.

He tried to pick up the bottle but almost lost his balance, and Kim turned away. 

“Let me” Porsche’s voice sounded, followed by a small and broken “Thank you” from Kinn.

“Is he succeeding?” Kim asked

A tense silence fell, and that was enough.

Quickly and quietly with his bleeding heart beating in his ears, Kim tore himself from the wall with shaky hands, and disappeared around the lounge wall. 

Then he walked out of the small but spacious room, not once looking back.

Stay focused Kim!  

But everything inside of him was falling apart. Kinn’s voice echoing in his head, and the fear of Porchay getting into his room-

Why was he even trying to get in?

Why?!

“Did you hear something?” Kinn asked Porsche as they entered the lounge again.

“No” Porsche replied “Why?” 

“Nothing, I just, feel like I heard something”

“You’ve had enough to drink” Porsche replied, taking the glass out of Kinn’s hands.

Kim walked through the hallways, steps hurried yet silent and his mind was unraveling with every second that passed. Everything was whirling around his head, and now this! 

Why?
Why was Porchay still torturing himself? 

What did he want?

As he neared the younger his steps turned slower and softer, the frustration and anger drowning out from the guilt that washed over him. 

Would the truth really stop Porchay from chasing after him? 

He stopped a few meters from Porchay who had just unlocked the door, pick-locking tools in one hand.

Kim knew he should stop him before he opened the door, but he was frozen. Why did it even matter?

Clearly, Porchay wouldn’t stop. 

He was obviously nosy enough to teach himself how to lockpick.

With everything from tonight whirling around in his head and his heart, and as Porchay quietly turned the handle, and the door slowly opened, Kim vomited it out in one question.

“Do you want the truth Porchay?” Kim softly let out, hoping the younger couldn’t tell from his voice that he was barely keeping it together. 

The younger one visibly froze for a moment. The door was opened just enough for an eye to peek inside. 

“How I really feel?” was all Kim could let out, his voice slowly breaking. Porchay’s eyes were cold, as he turned his head towards Kim, almost glaring at him.

Kim took a cautious step closer to Porchay, whose hand was still on the door handle. 

“Is that why you’re here?” Kim asked and let out a deep breath, silently walking closer to Porchay.

This would break everything, finally burn down the bridge between them, so they could finally heal from each other. Truly there would be no way to go back from here. 

“Porchay answer me” 

Kim was too close, too close for Porchay to be able to think. He could almost feel the older’s breath on his face, as he spoke, so he turned his face away from him.

“ Please ” 

His eyes were shut, trying to ignore Kim’s low pleading, and the feelings stirring inside him. 

He couldn’t speak. He didn’t want to. Kim would just lie again, as he always did. He wouldn’t tell him the truth would he?

Kim closed his eyes for a moment, a shaky breath escaping his nose.

“ Please Porchay” The sincerity and slight shakiness of his voice took Porchay aback, but he didn’t trust it.

He couldn’t trust Kim, not after everything. 

Instead, he tried to open the door more, but Kim grabbed his wrist to stop him. 

“You said I didn’t know how to love anyone”

Porchay visibly froze, and though he was staring down at the door handle, Kim knew he had his attention. 

Kim closed his eyes for a moment.

“Not before you” he spoke, his heart beating out of his chest, despite his face showing a calm expression.

The silence was deafening. Porchay’s cold eyes turned softer, a hint of confusion floating around in them, as they reached Kim who seemed unfazed. His grip around the door handle tightened, getting too aware of Kim’s hand on his wrist. 

It hurt. 

It wasn’t a tight grip Kim held. It was firm but soft. As if he was afraid to hurt Porchay as if he was afraid Porchay would think he hated him, did he hold it tighter. That wasn’t why it hurt.

It hurt because it was Kim. It hurt because Kim, who had said he didn’t love him, who wrote him a song, ignored him, and now told him he didn’t know love before Porchay. 

It hurt because that’s all he had wanted to hear for months. 

“I didn’t know love before you” Kim repeated. His voice was shaky but calm and soft.

Porchay stayed quiet with his head turned away from Kim. His hand was shaking, and with tears welling up in his eyes, he slowly closed the door.

A tear fell from Porchay’s eyes and Kim could hear it hit the floor. Silently Porchay turned back to Kim.

“You’re lying” His voice was shaky and sharp, but full of pain too. Kim didn’t want to let go of Porchay’s wrist, but he had no choice as Porchay let his arm fall to his side. 

Porchay’s face was turned to the floor, and only glanced up at Kim shortly, before looking back down because he would just believe his words, and fall for those soft eyes that were staring right at him.

Kim wanted to reach out to Porchay, but he knew he shouldn’t, even though he wanted to touch him, holding his soft cheek in his hands, feeling him once again, that escape he once had.  

“I’m not,” Kim replied, in his low and soft voice, only causing more tears to fall from Porchay’s eyes.

“I told you I’d tell you the truth” 

“I didn’t know love before you” Kim tried to keep his voice from shaking, but he couldn’t.

Porchay’s hands were clenched into tight fists.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was shaky, angry, and thick with tears.

“Why didn’t you tell me that day?”

He knew which day Porchay meant. The one that started their painful journey here. 

Kim’s heart sank, and his throat closed up, despite his heart threatening to vomit it out of him.

Could he tell him the whole truth? That he did it to protect him, keep him out of harm’s way? That it was better for Porchay to be far away from him and in safety? He couldn’t tell his brothers, but perhaps he could tell Porchay. 

“There’s a lot of reasons” he started out, his voice breaking.

“Mostly to protect you” reaching his hand out, wanting to touch his hair, but he stopped, remembering he had no right to.

“I’m so sorry Porchay” Kim’s voice was almost an inaudible whisper from trying to keep it from breaking. 

All he did was hurt and break those around him for his own selfish reasons. 

“It’s too late, but it's the truth. I loved you” 

“I still do” he wanted to add, but he couldn’t. Even if it was the truth, he couldn’t tell him. It wouldn’t be fair. He had to make Porchay let go and stop for good.

It was silent again. Porchay’s sniffling was the only thing breaking the silence, and though Kim wanted nothing more than to pull him into his arms and comfort him, he couldn’t. It hurt. It hurt to see him cry and be unable to comfort him. It clawed at his heart, ripping it to pieces. 

“How do you expect me to believe you?” Porchay’s voice was shaking even more, and sobs threatened to spill. He didn’t look at Kim, but down at the floor, but Kim kept his eyes on Porchay. 

“I don’t, but I said I’d tell you the truth”  

He looked at the floor again, tears gathering in his eyes and he took a deep breath before locking eyes with Porchay. 

Porchay didn’t say anything for a while, his eyes flickering around, trying to figure it out. 

“Why now?” 

“After everything? Why didn’t you tell me last time?” Kim glanced away for a moment from guilt.
“I thought making you hate me would make it easier, but it didn’t” 

“Make what easier?”

Porchay’s tearful but angry eyes dug into Kim’s, and the latter had to look away from the guilt welling up in him.

“For you to let me go” He looked back at Porchay, the tears in his eyes, threatening to fall.

“But I was wrong, it didn’t work” 

“I’m so sorry” Kim spoke, a small whisper only for him and Porchay to hear, knowing it didn’t change anything, knowing it didn’t matter, as it was too late.

“I’m so sorry” 

“Remember how I said Wik was the side I preferred?” 

“You’re part of that world, that life…” a small smile made it onto Kim’s lips as a tear rolled down his cheek.

“You let me be free from this world. You were my escape from this life” 

“Stop” Porchay croaked out 

“Stop,” he repeated, turning his head away from Kim.

“But I can’t-” Kim cut himself off, unsure how to explain why he couldn’t be with him even though he was his escape, without letting too much slip out. 

“Chay, you’re a smart kid, but you-” 

“-Sir,” In a split second, Big grabbed Kim’s elbow, trying to turn Kim towards him.

The two hadn’t heard the bodyguard walk up to them, but Kim didn’t seem fazed at all, not moving at all, while Porchay backed away a bit, confused at what was happening.

“Sir, I’m sorry, but we have to go,” Big said, but Kim ignored him. 

“Stay in your world” Kim continued with a shaking and pleading voice, his teary eyes glued to Porchay who didn’t know what to do, and ended up turning his head away from Kim again.

“Sir! We need to go!” Big’s voice was stern and it was clear he was in a hurry. He began to pull at Kim’s arm, trying to drag him along, but he didn’t budge at all. 

“Chay, please,” his voice a soft whisper, hoping Porchay would turn his face towards him, but he didn’t. 

The sound of Porsche and Kinn’s voices and footsteps got louder.

“Fuck” Big muttered to himself.

They wouldn’t make it.

“Stay out of this life, don’t end up like us” 

“I’m sorry sir, but it’s time,” Big spoke, opening the door to Kim’s room, and pulling at Kim’s arm again, causing him to stumble a few steps back. 

“Please, Chay. Please ” but the younger only began to slowly walk away.

“I’m sorry” was the last thing Kim managed to say before Big, with one hand on the door, finally pushed him inside, and shut the door behind them.  

Inside the dark room, Big quietly locked the door and listened for a moment. They were getting closer. 

He looked over at Kim, leaning on the wall next to the door. 

He had turned into a pile of all of his issues unraveling. Tears were streaming down his face, and from his throat, sobs were forcing themselves out, despite Kim trying to keep them down. 

He was about to fall apart. 

With a quiet step, Big reached Kim and gently placed a hand over his mouth, the other hand placed on the wall behind his head. 

Kim’s teary eyes stared at him, and Big could tell he wasn’t pleased, but he had no choice. He could fall apart at any moment, he knew that. 

“You don’t want them to know you’re here right sir?” His voice was low and calm.

Kim only took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to calm down, and Big looked away from him again, focused on the door.

“Chay!” he could hear in the distance, not far from the room they were currently in. “Chay?!” it sounded again, but the tone of Porsche’s voice was different, full of concern and worry “What’s wrong?” 

“What happened?” 

Big glanced over at Kim. At the mention of Porchay, he had shut his eyes, his eyebrows furrowed, and twitching. His breathing was shakier again, the sobs coming back up again and all Kim could do was wait for them to leave.

Big looked away, his heart breaking at the sight. 

“Come here”

Porchay’s muffled sobbing could be heard, as Porsche comforted his younger brother

“Was it a nightmare?”  

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Big could hear Porchay’s broken voice respond, but couldn’t make out what he said

“It’s okay, if that’s what you want” 

“You don’t have to talk about it” 

“Kinn I’m sorry, I’m gonna stay with Chay tonight”

“Don’t apologize Porsche” 

“He needs you” 

“I love you” 

“I love you too” 

“Come, Chay, let’s go” and the two brothers’ footsteps faded away, while Kinn’s got closer and closer, before coming to a stop right outside the door.

Big held his breath, while Kim’s eyes turned to the door, waiting in silence.

After what felt like an eternity, Kinn walked away, and Big let out a deep exhale. 

When Big was sure they were all gone, only silence coming from the hallway, he took his hand from behind Kim’s head and tugged a strand of hair behind his ear. Kim’s teary eyes were glaring at him, his hand trying to swat it away, but Big gestured for him to calm down, and took the earbud Kim still had in and put it in his blazer. Then he removed his hand from Kim’s lips, finally letting Kim cry if he wanted to. 

He fell to the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks in silence, with his sniffles being the only sound in the quiet and dark moonlit room. 

While Kim cried, Big unlocked the door, slowly opening it up a bit, checking if the coast was clear. 

Seeing no one, and hearing only silence, he closed the door again and turned to Kim.

“Sir” Big spoke as he sat down in front of him. Kim’s face was turned towards the door 

“He’ll stop now, right?” 

Big didn’t need to ask who it was about. 

“Yes” 

A pained smile formed on Kim’s trembling lips but disappeared as the tears rolled down his cheeks down to his chin, and fell onto his shirt. 

Big reached out to wipe a tear off but right before he could, Kim’s hand grabbed his wrist, warning him to back off. 

Big didn’t care, and let his index finger make contact with Kim’s soft skin, gently wiping off a tear, and caressing his cheek in the process. 

“Are you okay to go or do you want to stay here for a while?” 

Kim only let go of Big’s wrist and let his arm fall onto his lap.

He wanted to leave, but he couldn’t get up from the floor. He couldn’t leave in this state.

He didn’t know whether to cry, scream, or shut it all out, forget about it, and pretend he was fine. All he knew was that he didn’t want to be here. This house, this room. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of his past. 

The bedroom entrance only reminded him of what Kinn said earlier tonight and what had happened back when he had first left.

He wanted to laugh at himself. Just like back then, he’s broken, having pushed away those close to him once again. 

Once again, he’s crying in his room because of his brothers.
Once again he was the old Kim.

Though the tears had dried for a moment, they came pouring back, hot against his cheeks. A twisted smile formed on his lips and a chuckle escaped his lips. The sight and sound were too heartbreaking and disturbing for Big. 

He had never seen Kim lose it like this. Not even the night he was drunk and had gone to his apartment. 

What he had seen back then was only the after-match of what was happening now. 

He turned his face away, and got up, walking a few steps away from Kim. 

Kim’s chuckle began to mix with the sobs he was trying to keep from spilling out and turned to a burst of laughter that made Big wince and close his eyes, trying to keep himself from crying. Then the laughter faded, replaced by the sobs vomiting out of his throat, finally fully unraveling the young master Kim. 

“It was your own choice” he croaked out, and Big barely understood what he said from how choked up his voice was.

“You chose to do it” he continued

“It was your choice” 

“You chose it” 

Big kept his eyes closed, trying to ignore Kim repeating it over, and over again.

A tear fell and he quickly wiped it away. Big could hear Kim shuffle around behind him, and when quiet but dragged steps sounded, he turned back to see Kim, dragging himself across the room, towards the bedroom. One hand in his hair, nails digging into his scalp, and the other hand stopping him from walking into the bedroom door frame. 

“You did it to yourself”

“You did it to yourself” 

Big could only watch as Kim disappeared behind the wall. He closed his eyes again, taking a deep breath. He had to keep his composure, so he could help Kim. No matter how much it broke his heart.

“I had to”  

“I had to” 

Kim’s muffled voice sounded between his cries, and Big sunk the lump in his throat and with quiet steps, walked over to the bedroom entrance, a hand on the doorframe. It was dark except from the light shining in from the window at the end of the room, but Big already knew where Kim was.

He could hear the sobbing coming from under the desk on his left. His refuge. 

Hidden away under his desk, safe from the outside world, he sat with his knees pulled up to his chest. His trembling hands covered his eyes, with strands of long black hair caught between the fingers digging into his scalp. 

Big turned his back to Kim’s hideaway and let himself stand in the entrance, his back leaning onto the frame.

You’d think Kim wouldn’t break as much this time, considering he had already let go of Porchay many times before, but it was different this time.

Previously, he had always walked away, leaving Porchay behind. He was used to running away instead of facing his problems when they became too much. 

Too real. 

It was his way of protecting himself, just like his apartment. 

He didn’t run away tonight and finally got to see and hear how much pain his decisions had caused. From Porchay and Kinn. 

He finally got to hear how it affected his brother. How much Kinn blamed himself for everything, and for Kim not returning home.

“I had to” 

“I chose to do it ” 

And Porchay? 

Kim had never admitted his feelings to Porchay. He always avoided it or lied to protect himself. 

If he didn’t say what he truly felt, he couldn’t get hurt, because he was never committed to begin with. 

So, from both sides, Kim didn’t love Porchay until now. It was never true until now. It didn’t matter that Kim sent him a song, cause he never truly said “I love you”  

Even tonight he only said, “I loved you”.

Still, it wasn’t a lie. 

That’s why it was different.

“It was my own choice” 

Big’s hands were trembling, and his heart was breaking more than he thought was possible. Every broken word that fell from Kim’s mouth, every sob that poured from his throat was a thorn digging into his heart. 

Unable to stand it, Big walked to the desk with quiet steps. The first thing he saw as he stood by the edge of the desk, and looked down, was Kim’s feet placed at the end of the desk towards the window. He crouched down, coming to see Kim’s back curled up against the left, hair sticking to his face from tears, nails still digging into his scalp. The sobs were thankfully slowly coming to a stop. 

The bodyguard thought for a moment.

He knew he wasn’t Porchay. Hell, he couldn’t be further from him, but at least, hopefully, he could help heal a part of Kim that was broken. 

Hopefully, he could help numb part of the pain. 

He slowly reached out his hand to Kim’s face “Sir” he spoke, but as expected Kim didn’t reply. Gently, Big let his fingers slowly wrap around Kim’s right palm, feeling the dampness from the tears as he removed it.

A red, teary eye looked at him for a moment before falling shut, avoiding him. 

Big held Kim’s hand in his palm, his thumb gently resting on top of it, and reached for Kim’s other hand. 

“Sir, please look at me” he softly spoke. Kim once again, didn’t respond but didn’t fight Big when he removed the other hand from his face.

“Sir, whatever you need, if I can help in any way, I will,” he said, resting Kim’s hands in his palms.

Kim’s now visible dark eyes, glittered in the light shining from the window. They were full of tears and sorrowful but with a lingering frustration in them. 

Frustration towards himself. 

Big placed both of Kim’s hands in his right palm, reaching his free hand out to wipe the tears from his face, and tugged a lock of his now wet dark hair behind his ear.

“You don’t deserve to suffer alone” 

Kim turned his face away from him, a tear falling from his eye in silence. He pulled his hands back to himself and placed his arms around them. 

“You shouldn’t have to suffer alone” Big continued to comfort, as Kim kept his eyes turned to the wall. Big shuffled around a bit so he faced towards Kim’s front instead of his side.

“Sir, I am your bodyguard, I am supposed to care for you” 

“I’m supposed to take care of you” 

Silence fell between them for a long time. Kim glanced at him shortly but turned away from him again.

“Just shut up and take me home” Was all Kim’s broken and tired voice let out after a long pause of silence. 

The ride back to Kim’s apartment was silent. Tense. Kim looked out of the window the whole time, not a word, not a sound coming from him anymore.

“Please leave” Kim let out in a low whisper as they inside his apartment. It was a warning but Big didn’t care.

Kim threw his jacket on the floor, grabbed a random bottle from the alcohol shelf, discarded the cap, and let himself fall onto the couch.

“I can’t. Not when you’re in this state” Big responded, but he also knew he had to be careful from this point on. He had arrived at the after-match. 

Kim didn’t say anything, didn’t even turn to him. He just took a big swig from the bottle, spilling it on his shirt in the process. 

“Really?” was all he muttered to himself, a few rogue tears falling from his face. He put the bottle down on the coffee table and removed his shirt, throwing it towards the armchair. Too tired and exhausted to find a new shirt, he let himself stay topless. 

Big winced at the scene, remembering how Kim used to nag Kinn about his alcohol usage. 

He quietly walked up to the small living room area “Sir let me at least find you a new shirt” 

“No” was all Kim responded, taking another swig from the bottle and placing it back on the table. 

Big glanced away, but even though he tried, he couldn’t keep himself from looking at Kim’s exposed torso. 

It was dark, the only light coming from the balcony, and Big couldn’t see every detail, but still, he was breathtaking. He could make out his chest muscles, his collarbones. The only thing he couldn’t make out were any scars, and so he looked completely… unharmed. The exact opposite of Big.

He didn’t know why but tears began to well up in Big’s eyes. 

He took a deep breath. Now was not the time.

“Sir” he started, as he sat down on his knees.

“I told you to leave” Kim’s voice was strained, and Big looked up to see Kim’s arm propped up on the armlean and his chin resting in his palm. 

Big couldn’t see what expression was on his face. 

“I know sir” 

“Yet you’re still here” 

Kim was still keeping his face turned towards the balcony. Big didn’t answer, unsure how.

“You don’t deserve to suffer alone,” Kim let out. 

“Sir?” 

“How could you say that?” the young master continued. 

“That I don’t deserve to suffer alone”

“You don’t know what I’ve done. You don’t know anything” 

Big looked down at his hands in his lap. 

It was true he didn’t quite understand why Kim let himself go through so much pain.

He understood why he let go of Porchay, even though Big believed that they could’ve worked out. 

But it was clear from everything tonight, that there was something else. His farewell to Porchay and his broken muttering went deeper than just a breakup between a mafia son and a civilian. 

It was probably also why he distanced himself from his brothers the way he did. It was more than just because of their strained relationship from the way Kim reacted back at the stairs. 

Big was sure it wasn’t as selfish as everyone seemed to make it out to be. Kim wouldn’t be hurting this bad if it was nothing. 

“No matter what, you don’t deserve to suffer alone” 

“Who do you have to lean on, now that you’ve lost Porchay for good?” 

“I told you I’d help you burn down the world, and I tend to keep that promise”   

Kim didn’t say anything for a while, but Big began to hear the quiet sniffling coming from him. It got louder, and Big didn’t want to hesitate anymore. 

He got up and sat down on the couch. Without hesitation he slid his arm around Kim’s naked shoulders, turning him towards him. 

Kim didn’t fight back, and as soon as Kim faced him, Big placed his right hand on his cheek, and kissed him, the hand around Kim’s shoulder, slowly moving into his hair. 

Kim’s lips lingered with the taste of the alcohol he had been drinking, and Big’s lips filled with the burning sensation from it. 

Whiskey. 

Whiskey, just like his brother. 

When he pulled away, Kim didn’t say anything, just looked at him. 

In shock, confusion, disgust? 

Big couldn’t tell as he looked into his dark eyes. He tugged a strand of his hair behind his ear, letting his fingers linger over his cheekbone. 

Then he kissed him again to see how Kim would react. If he would shove him away, beat him up, or deepen it.

Kim kissed him back but quickly pulled away, and looked at Big with an unreadable expression on his face. Then he swatted his hand at Big’s left arm, and the latter removed it from Kim’s hair. 

He looked away from Big. “I don’t need this” he muttered as he got up from the couch, grabbing the bottle on the coffee table. 

Not now, not ever.

He had almost let go of himself. He had almost let his walls fall, and he couldn’t do that. Not to himself, and not to Big. 

He wasn’t thinking clearly anymore. Why couldn't he just leave? 

Kim was tired, exhausted. 

He walked a few wobbly steps towards the balcony, then stopped, a frustrating grunt escaping him. 

Kim didn’t really look muscular just walking around day to day, and if you hadn’t seen him fight or without a shirt, it’d be hard to believe what was hidden beneath his shirt. Just standing with head hung low, his muscular shoulders slumped, it was clear that Kim kept himself fit and his fighting skills up. 

He could make out a small scar on Kim’s lower back. Big recognized the mark. It was from a taser. 

Kim’s arms were tensed up, and he ran a hand through his hair. 

His patience was running out. 

He took another wobbly step forward, letting out a sigh. 

“Why do you hate yourself so much?” His voice was low, shaky but venomous. Big was frozen in his seat. 

What did it matter? What did it have to do with anything? 

“That’s not important,” Big only replied. “What I feel, what I think doesn’t matter, sir” What he felt towards Kim and himself didn’t matter. All he wanted was for Kim to be okay. 

“I am aware of what I’m agreeing to” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes, sir” He knew Kim would never love him, would never open his heart up to him, but he expected that. He was ready to get himself hurt and to let himself hurt for Kim, despite everything. Kim took another big swig from the bottle. 

“Okay” His voice sounded, and finally he turned around to face Big. His eyes were cold, but tears rolled down his cheeks in silence. 

“Kneel”

Chapter Text

“Kneel” 

And so the bodyguard did without hesitation. Silently, he slid down from the couch, and onto his knees on the floor, his eyes never leaving Kim. 

A tense silence fell as he waited for Kim to make a move, his heart pounding in his ears. To Big, it didn’t matter what happened next. 

Kim stood still for a moment. His eyes stuck to the wide-eyed bodyguard.

He shouldn’t give in. Not tonight. He was drunk and emotionally vulnerable.

He wanted to sleep, and forget he was alive for a moment, just to be rid of the pain inside of him. 

He was too exhausted and drunk to fight Big though. It was easier to give in, he reasoned with himself.

The sound of the whiskey bottle being placed on the coffee table echoed in the apartment. In a few staggering steps, Kim was in front of Big.

He needed to find a new escape anyway. Perhaps this was what he needed after all.

He wasn’t sure.

The young master reached out his hand to Big, letting his fingers curl around his wolf-tail. 

All he knew was, that whatever happened now, the bodyguard had agreed to it. 

Then he yanked Big’s head backwards, a gasp escaping his lips from the sudden movement.

His heart sped up, and shaky breaths left his lips as his scalp throbbed in pain.

Kim crouched down in front of Big, his hand playing with his hair, like a cat playing with its prey, bored but curious.

Oh, to see the bodyguard unraveled, his wolf-tail undone. That broken man, so desperate to be loved. 

What would it be like to see him like that? 

The young master, too drunk to make a good judgment, gave in, desperate to fill the void inside himself. 

Big’s neck exposed, Kim’s whiskey-filled breath on his face. His hands were twitching in his lap wanting nothing more but to reach out and grab the young master and kiss him, but he didn’t.

Kim’s lips barely touched Big’s neck, his breath alone sending shivers down the bodyguard’s spine. 

What happened from then on, was a blur. 

Big’s blazer and shirt were off, and Kim’s right hand was still in his hair. The other hand came to hold a tight grip on Big’s neck.

His heart stopped for a moment.

Oh, how familiar it was to have Kim’s nails digging into his neck.

The bodyguard closed his eyes, focusing on Kim’s lips, and the familiar sensation of Kim’s hands, as he let his own find their way around Kim’s neck and into his hair. 

Kim’s lips disappeared from his neck, only for them to attack his lips, a rough and hungry kiss, but there was nothing beneath it. 

The hand in his hair finally let the hair-tie fall, the wolf-tail coming undone. Kim pulled away, staring at the mess in front of him. 

His black hair reached down to his cheekbones and covered the side-cuts. He was panting, his slightly parted lips, and his half lidded eyes begging Kim to kiss him again. 

The young master only kept his grip on the bodyguard’s throat, as the other hand tucked a strand of black hair behind the bodyguard’s ear.

Big’s breath hitched as Kim’s fingertips touched his cheek, and his eyes fell shut, wanting to savor this gentleness, wishing he was always this gentle to him.  

The hand around his throat moved to the back of his neck, and he opened his eyes, only for Kim to close the distance between them again. Once again, it was a rough and hungry kiss, the gentleness gone, as if Kim remembered who was in front of him. 

Kim couldn’t care less if Big lived or died. He was nothing but a bodyguard after all. He wasn’t Porchay who had sparkling eyes, naive as the newly fallen snow thinking the earth wouldn’t drag it down. 

He wasn’t soft to the touch, cute with a round face, but rough with sharp features and furrowed eyebrows with a wolf tail on top.

He’s nothing like Porchay except for his gullibility. His ability to believe his lies and fall for his eyes, his lips. He wasn’t like Porchay except for the love he had for Kim.

He pushed Big onto the floor, the hand returning to his throat, as the other hand rested on the floor next to Big’s head. 

Tears stung in Big’s eyes. It was painful, but it didn’t matter. It was Kim, and that was all he wanted. He had made an agreement and pain was nothing he wasn’t used to. His legs around Kim’s hips, his hands in Kim's dark hair, were all he needed.

It was heaven.

It didn’t matter that Kim kept a tight grip on his throat, or that he was rough, and it hurt with every thrust, the pleasure was enough for Big. 

He could barely keep his eyes open, too lost in Kim’s smell, his body, his moans, the feeling of Kim inside of him. It didn’t matter if it hurt. 

It was Kim. 

“Chay” Kim let out and Big’s heart sank. His eyes wide open, as he felt Kim’s nose against his neck, his breath sending shivers down his spine. 

“Chay” it sounded again, as a passionate but gentle thrust, sent them both over the edge but Big's heart was clawing in his chest. 

Kim raised his head, staring directly down at Big with empty eyes, his shaking arms keeping him up. Big wasn’t sure if it was sweat or tears that fell from Kim and onto his face. He couldn’t tell in the dark. 

As Kim pulled out and got up, an empty feeling settled into Big as cold air filled the space Kim had once been. Big sat up, staring at the other who was zipping up his pants. It was clear Kim was distraught and drunk from the way he moved. 

“I’m tired” The young master spoke out of breath, his back turned his back to Big. 

He walked towards the armchair, where he had earlier discarded his alcohol-soaked shirt. 

He held it in his hand for a moment “Clean up and go back” he muttered, throwing the shirt towards Big. 

“Take tomorrow off” and Big’s heart sank through the floor. Kim’s voice was cold, trembling just slightly, and Big couldn’t see the expression on his face in the dark, despite the light from the city shining inside the apartment. 

The only sound in the apartment was Kim’s wobbly steps as he made his way towards his bedroom. He ran a hand through his hair as he stopped in front of the door. 

He looked over his shoulder towards Big.

“Don’t come here for a few days. I don’t want to see you for a while” his voice was low, almost apologetic. Then he disappeared into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. 

Big was left alone on the floor, clutching the alcohol-drenched shirt in his hands. He took a deep breath. 

He could only blame himself. He had signed up for this. 

Reaching out and into his discarded blazer on the floor, he took out his phone. 2:55 am. 

Big closed the door behind him quietly and leaned up against it. He was finally back inside his room at the mansion, exhausted and hurting. It was in the early hours of the morning, though too early for his return to be called a walk of shame. 

Despite needing to shower, he didn’t have the strength or the courage to go to the bathroom. To look in the mirror and see himself, the wreck he was. The fool he was. 

He shouldn’t have pushed Kim. 

Why did he have to be so greedy? 

Why? 

Leaning against the wall, and whatever furniture he could hold onto, he dragged himself to the bathroom nonetheless.

He closed his eyes, remembering Kim’s hand in his hair and on his throat. It was addicting.

Perhaps because it was the man he was in love with. Perhaps he did hate himself, perhaps he wanted to feel pain. Didn’t he deserve it? 

he deserved it for taking advantage of Kim, didn't he? 

Sunlight peeked in through the curtains, caressing his face, beckoning him to wake up. He didn’t want to, a part of him was still tired, exhausted. Drained.

His blanket was only covering the lower half of his body. It had fallen during the night while he slept. 

He turned a bit, one arm on his pillow, the other underneath it. He was almost lying on his stomach, and if he were to stay in this position, his neck would surely ache later. The sunlight beckoned him to wake up still, and the young master slowly opened his eyelids. 

He knew they were puffy. They ached as he let his eyes wander around his room. 

From the light peeking in through the small gap in the curtains to the plant standing on the wooden floor, waiting for Kim to open up to the day. It was quiet and he wanted nothing more but to savor the silence instead of getting up, and facing everything that happened last night.

He let out a tired exhale.

He had truly lost it now. 

Despite wanting nothing more but to fall back asleep, the stench from his body was unbearable. 

He stretched his body out with a groan before sitting up. As he closed his eyes, leaning against the headboard, last night played all over again. 

How much pain he’s causing his brother. 

Losing Porchay for good. 

Why did it hit him so hard? 

Hadn’t he already lost him? 

He lost more than him this time. He had lost a life, a daydream.

He was stuck in this life for good. Perhaps he’ll get over this pain soon. Perhaps it’ll turn into grief that will slowly fade away.

Big…  

Kim didn’t feel anything about it besides shame and anger. He didn’t know what to feel about what he did to Big. What he did with Big. 

He hated to admit that it helped. That it numbed the pain if just for a minute. 

Those dazed eyes, begging for more underneath the messy black hair.

Kim let out a deep exhale, pushing the thought away. His fingertips tingled. Whether it was from excitement or anxiety he didn't know.

He let out another deep breath.

The bodyguard was getting too close to him. 

He had seen him unravel like never before. Seen the raw Kim no one else had seen. 

As he walked out of his room, he froze as his eyes fell on the living room.

It was spotless. Not a trace of last night to be seen. No whiskey on the coffee table, nor any smell they had left behind. 

All that was left behind was the t-shirt in the laundry basket, which Kim saw right as he was about to shower, his dirty clothes in his hand. 

He froze as he looked down at it.
The running water from the shower drowned out. There was a note on the shirt. 

“Sorry for staining your shirt, sir” 

Kim ignored the guilt in his heart and the lump in his throat, throwing his clothes into the basket and discarding the note.

Kim wasn’t sure who was taking advantage of who anymore. 

He spent the next few days thinking it through, figuring out himself and what he needed. He had to process the grief of losing Porchay, his life for good. He had to become the Kim he always was, not this broken facade. 

How was he going to explain to Dr. Park what had happened?

Big’s days were painful. The morning after, he stayed in bed, taking the day off as Kim had told him to with painkillers to help. On the second day he trained, trying to forget how Kim had told him to leave. Tried to forget how cold his voice was as he said the words.

That night as Big sat inside the locker-room, smelling like chlorine from the pool, Kim texted him, asking him to move his appointment with Dr. Park closer asap. 

A text.

Kim could've done it himself, had he resented Big, but that meant feeling something, some way about what had happened. 

Big understood why Kim had texted him. It wasn't just because he was Kim's bodyguard. Kim couldn't care less about that.

No, Kim wanted to keep Big away from getting too close to protect himself. 

Porsche and Porchay had gone to their family home for a few days, Big learned from a drunk Kinn spiraling. 

He had wandered around the mansion, unable to relax, and found himself at the lounge where Kinn and Porsche would usually be.

His slumped figure sat at the bar, a glass of whiskey in his hand. There was no one else in the lounge. 

“Sir, why are you alone?” he cautiously asked as he neared Kinn. 

The other, merely glanced at him, before continuing to stare into nothing. 

“Porsche and Porchay went home for a few days. Porchay needed a break from here” His voice was low and his words were slurred. 

Big glanced away, knowing very well why Porchay needed to go home, and guilt welled up in his chest. 

“This world is tough” the bodyguard commented, and Kinn nodded softly. Big’s heart ached as he saw the sad and broken look in Kinn’s eyes. He was falling apart, just like Kim was. 

Hesitantly, the bodyguard spoke again

“Have you thought about seeing your friends, sir?”

“Why?” Kinn stared up at him for a moment, before taking another sip of his glass. 

“You look troubled, and I know Tay is a good friend to talk to” 

Kinn didn’t say anything for a moment. 

“You’re right” 

“Maybe I should talk to my brother too” 

“Master Tankhun?” 

“Yes” Silence fell between them for a moment, and Big wondered if it was time for him to go. 

“Big,” Kinn then spoke, gesturing for Big to sit down next to him, and so the bodyguard did. Again, silence settled between them, as the Young Master found his words. 

“What is it like, working for my brother?” 

He couldn’t help it. 

As he looked at Big, he couldn’t help but remember how Big used to be his bodyguard, be by his side all the time. What he was like back then.

He couldn’t help but wonder how Big was doing now, what it was like to be with the person on the other side of their brotherly conflict. 

It felt as though he was asking his ex how it was going with his new partner.

“It’s fine, sir” 

“I’m sorry” Kinn suddenly blurted out, and Big wondered if he had looked uncomfortable as he answered the question.

“I just couldn’t help but think about how you were my bodyguard” The master continued

“And I don’t know…”

“It just feels oddly comforting to see you here now, though it feels as if we’ve become strangers” 

“I’m rambling” He muttered to himself, but Big understood. He used to know everything about Kinn, always being there for him, protecting him, and now he wasn’t. 

“I understand sir,” he muttered, nodding.

“I just wonder, if you’ve changed since then” Kinn slurred, unable to recognize the person beside him as his old bodyguard despite having his face. 

“Is it different from when you were my bodyguard?” 

“It is. The three of you have different personalities after all, sir” He tried to avoid talking about it on a deeper level, knowing Kim was a touchy subject. He knew what Kinn wanted to know, and why. He didn’t want Kinn to know, and Kinn didn’t know how to ask directly.

“How is Kim different?” Does he treat you well? Does he still hurt you? Kinn had wanted to ask, but he couldn’t. 

Big's heart stopped for a second.

Was Kinn sure he wanted to know the answer? 

His mouth was dry, his mind flashing back to a few nights ago. Perhaps in his drunken state, Kinn wouldn’t notice the painful look in his eyes, or how the corners of his lips twitched.

He let out a deep exhale, leaving that memory behind. For now. 

The brothers were different in many ways. Kinn didn’t shoo his bodyguards away, or try to get them to quit. He let them do their work, and though they got closer as the years went on, he still kept a professional boundary. He didn’t treat them casually and as friends, the way Tankhun did, but he didn’t treat them as coldly and dismissively, the way Kim did either. 

Kinn was also the leader and needed protection more than Kim did, and perhaps that’s why they felt closer to Kinn. 

He didn’t taunt them unless they deserved it. He didn’t manipulate them the way Kim did. Despite his trust issues, Kinn still trusted them, unlike Kim who didn’t trust anyone at all. 

“He’s quieter. Independant” was all he could answer Kinn. 

“You’ve changed” Kinn slurred. Big’s heart dropped at the words.

“Porsche is right” he continued

“You’ve changed” 

“Changed how?” the bodyguard asked cautiously, but the leader’s eyes had fallen shut, head resting on the tabletop. How his heart broke seeing Kinn falling into his old habits. How his heart ached for the brothers all breaking down.