Work Text:
Summer 2015
Min Yoongi to Kim Namjoon – written on the back of the most generic looking postcard ever sold.
Kim Namjoon,
Hoping this reaches you, and doesn’t end up in a sad coffee table book of ‘missed connections’ thirty years from now, or, worse, someone’s ‘aesthetic’ collection of old postcards to and from complete strangers. Your friend INSISTED he’d give this to you. We’ll see.
I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t have a phone number to give you – when I travel I pick up a new local SIM card, it usually works out cheaper than multi-country travel plans – but if you genuinely want to keep in touch, send mail to the return address on this postcard. It won’t be as fast as texting, but it’ll reach me eventually.
Min Yoongi (the guy you spilled your drink on)
Kim Namjoon to Min Yoongi – typed, double-sided (printed incorrectly, so the page has to be flipped like a page on a clipboard rather than a page of a book).
Min Yoongi,
I’ll admit, I did think you told me you didn’t have a phone number because you were trying to politely get me to leave you alone at the bar, although I didn’t begrudge you for that – I did spill Midori Sour down your trousers. If I remember properly, they were white, yeah? I hope they haven’t been permanently stained green.
So it was nice when my colleague gave me that postcard with your contact details on it! Although, I find this whole thing harder to believe than the idea of you pretending not to have a phone. What modern businessman doesn’t have a phone on him at all times? Suspicious. What crimes are you committing?
And why not just bring a phonebook of numbers with you, if you feel like it’s absolutely necessary to buy new SIM cards everywhere you go? Admit it, you just wanted an excuse to have an old-fashioned pen pal, so you’ve asked the one guy who feels like he owes you one anyway for spilling alcohol on you.
Now I’m starting to reconsider the events of that spillage. Did you set the whole thing up because I was the only other guy in the bar that spoke Korean? Was the bartender a paid actor who you told to place my drink at a specific distance from my elbow, so that I’d spill it over you? All of this is more believable than ‘it’s easier to get hold of me through the mail than it is by text’. Next you’ll be asking me to throw a bottle into the sea, or stand on the beach waving flags.
No matter – it is pretty fun to have a pen pal.
You said you were heading west from Hong Kong – I realise that, by the time you get this, and by the time you reply, and by the time I receive your letter, you might’ve visited half a dozen or so countries, but I’m still interested to know where you’ve been, and where you’re going! I’ve never met anyone who travels for a living, and running a travel blog focused on what travelling is like as a bisexual Asian man is super cool! (did I tell you that, the night we met? Honestly, parts of that night are pretty blurry – you’re a difficult man to keep up with while drinking, Min Yoongi).
Wait, I do remember you telling me I could call you hyung! That was nice to hear after a few months only speaking English and Cantonese – ‘bro’ just doesn’t have the same connotations, and don’t get me started on the guy from England that insisted on calling us all ‘lads’.
I’m conscious of the fact that you’ve sent me a postcard, and I’m practically sending you an essay or a diary entry at this point, so I’ll cut off here.
Have fun in (insert whatever country you’re in here, hyung!)
Kim Namjoon (the guy who is, again, sorry for spilling his drink on you.)
Min Yoongi to Kim Namjoon, written on weighty, letterheaded paper from a hotel in Cambodia – a ringed coffee stain circles the top left corner, which has been labelled with a scrawled ‘Oops :]’.
Kim Namjoon,
Ignore the address at the top – I’m actually in Thailand at the moment, I just stole this paper a few years ago. Add it to my list of international crimes, I suppose, along with orchestrating you spilling your drink.
Don’t feel bad about the long letter, I was pleased to get it - the only reason I used a postcard was because I really wasn’t sure whether you’d be interested in having a friendship this way, and I didn’t want to use any of my ill-gotten paper if I didn’t have to. Our friendship has levelled up, Namjoon, you get the nice paper now.
It’s rained almost the entire time I’ve been here, which is a bit of a nightmare for my Instagram feed (or that’s what my manager tells me – apparently, people are ‘less likely to engage with content if the sky isn’t blue’, whatever the hell that means). I’ve been to Bangkok a few times – you’d be hard-pressed to find a travel blogger that hasn’t been to Bangkok at least once – so it’s not like I need photos of the tourist sites in order to write a beginner’s guide to the city, but it’s a lot easier to photograph anything when it’s sunny, you know?
I’m heading to Cambodia next (although, as you said, by the time you get this, I’ll already be on my way to Vietnam). I’ve been to Phnom Penh a few times, but I’ve never had the chance to visit Siem Reap until this trip. As funny as it’d be to just never go so I continue to get comments on YouTube from people who’ve never left Korea ‘helpfully’ telling me about this little-known destination in Cambodia that I should visit, it’s called ‘Angkor Wat’, “Have you heard of it?”… I do actually want to go, and I can’t live my life in spite of the comment section of YouTube.
I know it’s weird, a travel blogger asking for recommendations, but when we met you said you travel occasionally for conferences - have you been to Vietnam, and if so, what would you recommend I see?
Yoongi
Namjoon to Yoongi; handwritten, accompanied by several photos of a teenage Namjoon sight-seeing in Vietnam.
Hyung,
I mean, I could give you recommendations, but they’d be for places you’ve already been to - not to mention that, aside from museums, I tend to just go to the tourist sites that come up when you search ’10 things to do in wherever’ on Naver. Not to mention work trips tend to be to the US. I work at an international gay rights charity (did I mention that to you?), and the head office for the Pacific region is located in the US (the ‘Pacific’ is rather a large area just to have one head office in, but I digress).
I did find these old photos from a family holiday, though, and I can vouch for the places in the photos as being fun! Hopefully you’ll get them before you leave Vietnam, otherwise you now own three photos of me as a teenager on holiday for no reason.
Printing out those photos made me think about just how difficult it must be for you to do your job without internet – do you get your photos developed and mail them to your manager every trip? Sounds like a nightmare, honestly.
Remember my friend I was with in that bar we met in? Well, he’s going back to America next week, and his replacement is coming from Korea! His name’s Jimin, he’s a final year student. I’ll miss my friend when he leaves, but it’ll be nice to work with someone from back home.
Speak to you soon!
Namjoon
Yoongi to Namjoon, typed on slightly yellow printer paper, accompanied by a photograph of Yoongi at a museum, and Yoongi’s business card.
Namjoon,
That’s good that someone from home will be coming to work with you – one of the things I miss most when I’m travelling is having someone to talk to in Korean regularly, so I’d imagine you sometimes feel similarly.
Thank you for the photos, by the way. One of the museums you were in was somewhere I’d never been, so I’ve returned the favour by sending you a photo of me there. Please don’t upload it to the internet, or you’ll be swarmed by my fans. (I’m kidding.)
(Mostly.)
I’m heading to Europe for the holiday season (the Christmas market aesthetic always does well this time of year, probably because it’s November and dreary in most of the places where my fans live) – have you been?
Okay, so, in terms of doing my job without a regular internet connection… Namjoon, I’ll be honest with you, when I told you that it was easier to keep in touch with me by post, that wasn’t strictly true.
I know, I know – lying? In this economy?
But I did have a good reason, I think. When people have found out what I do for a living in the past, I’ve found that they can be very enthusiastic about being my friend. This is because, in my experience, they think that being my friend will net them sweet perks like cheap flights, or discounted hotel stays, or even entirely free holidays, rather than the ‘sweet perks’ of trust, and happiness, and friendship.
However, most of these people aren’t really bothered about being friends, so I’ve found that pretending to only be contactable by mail means that I weed out most of these people, because they usually don’t think that a potential friendship with me is worth using the postal service.
If the lie hasn’t put you off from being my friend, I can give you my phone number, although it is actually, genuinely easier to keep in touch with me by email – both’re on my business card, which I’ve put in the envelope along with this letter.
Yoongi
Namjoon to Yoongi, handwritten on lined paper, accompanied by Namjoon’s business card.
Hyung,
This makes much more sense than ‘I regularly travel to places with no electricity.’
I mean, one of the places you said you went to ‘regularly’ was Los Angeles.
I’ll keep your email address and phone number handy in case I need to get hold of you urgently, but honestly, I like this! It’s nice getting to know you through long letters, and I’m actually looking forward to getting mail, which makes a nice change. I’ve sent you my phone number and email too, but I’m happy to keep writing letters if you are!
That sucks that people have tried to use your job like that – the worst thing that’s happened to me because of my job is our office floods a little bit every summer, and the carpet under my desk gets just a tiny bit squishy. Just enough to be distracting, not enough that the regional manager is willing to pay for a repairman.
Speaking of your job, I watched one of your YouTube videos last night! The one about Verona? It was really fun! The guy who was showing you around seemed really cool, too. I’m glad you’re going back to Europe – I’ve not had a chance to go, so I’ll live vicariously through you, hyung!
I noticed you didn’t upload anything while you were in Hong Kong, though? You don’t have to tell me why or anything, I was just curious.
Anyway – yes, I still want to be friends; yes, I’d still like to write letters, if you’re cool with that; yes, I still don’t know how to end letters properly, despite the fact that we’ve been friends who write letters to one another for almost six months.
Namjoon
Yoongi to Namjoon, handwritten on stolen hotel paper – the envelope is filled with flyers for various German Christmas market stalls.
Namjoon,
I considered sending you some gluhwein or lebkuchen, but the gluhwein would be cold and the lebkuchen would be crumbs by the time this letter gets to you (at this point, I’m just hoping this gets to you while it’s still December), so the promotional leaflets will have to do.
Thank you for being so understanding of my lie about my phone – sending letters to you for the last six months has become part of my routine (wake up, check socials, check emails, check post for a Namjoon letter :]), so I’m happy you want to keep it up.
Also, excuse me? What do you mean, your boss is happy to let your office floor be “just a tiny bit squishy”? You should sue.
Better yet, let me make a callout post on Twitter – your boss will be cancelled worldwide within a matter of hours.
The Verona video? That’s pretty old, I’m pretty sure it’s old enough that the video quality is 480p… And yeah, that was my ex-boyfriend, current manager – he’s alright, as far as ex-boyfriend, current managers go (pretty sure the Venn diagram of people that could apply to has just one person in it, and it’s him.) We were always better as friends, anyway.
There’s not really a reason for there not being any Hong Kong content – I just didn’t film a lot, and there wasn’t enough to make a full video. Next time I head that way, I’ll film more to make up for it. As a matter of fact, I’ll be heading back that general way in February for my best friend’s birthday – if I had a layover in Hong Kong, would you want to meet up?
Yoongi
Namjoon to Yoongi, handwritten messily on A4 printer paper.
Hyung,
Please don’t cancel my boss on Twitter – he’s annoying enough about millennials and Gen Z as it is, I don’t need him going on a rant about being cancelled on ‘Tweeter’, as he insists on calling it.
I’ll have the last laugh, though – I’m writing this on office paper.
Take that, capitalism.
Yeah, I’ve never been to Verona, so it looked interesting! And I’m glad you have such a good relationship with your ex, if he’s now your manager – that’s cool!
I’d love to meet! When are you coming back to this side of the world? I’m going on a work trip to the States from the 12th until the 23rd, but I’m in Hong Kong for the rest of the month. Let me know!
My boss is looking this way, so if I want to exploit the office’s postal funds, I need to finish this quick – hope you had an amazing Christmas in Europe, and hopefully see you next month?
Namjoon
Yoongi to Namjoon, written haphazardly on a postcard.
Namjoon,
Annoyingly, my trip back to Korea would be right smack in the middle of the dates you’re on the other side of the world. Maybe next time?
Sorry this is so short – writing this in a rush in the taxi from one airport to another. Why does London need so many different airports, and why’re they inconveniently so far from one another?
I’ll write again in Korea,
Yoongi
Yoongi to Namjoon, handwritten – the penmanship is slanted, so the final line of the page has been squashed in at the bottom in a too-small space.
Namjoon,
I know we spoke on the phone, but I just want to reiterate, in writing – no, I didn’t think you were ‘digging for dirt’ by looking up my old videos; no, I didn’t think your reaction to my ex-boyfriend turned manager was ‘super lame’; and no, not at any point did I think you were being homophobic (You knew I run an LGBT travel-focused travel blog? You work for an international gay rights charity?? We met at a gay bar???). You’re good, don’t worry.
It was strange speaking on the phone – I know we’ve spoken in person (you know, at the aforementioned gay bar), but we’ve spoken for so long in writing that hearing your voice was unexpected. Has it always been that deep? I remember it sounding a little higher in person.
I went out with my best friend for his birthday last night, so I’m still feeling pretty fragile. I can usually hold my liquor, as you know, but we also danced a lot (perils of having a dancer for a best friend) and because dancing is, you know, exercise, I drank a lot, even by my standards.
How was your work trip? I forgot to ask, is your new colleague from Korea going with you? Jimin-ssi?
Yoongi
Namjoon to Yoongi, including a photo of Namjoon standing, arms spread, in front of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Hyung,
I know I thanked you on the phone, but thanks again – because I don’t keep copies of the letters I send you, I’d genuinely forgotten what I’d said, and convinced myself I’d said something rude. Maybe I should start keeping copies, just in case.
America was great! I spent most of the trip in conference halls and meetings, but I did get a day where I could sightsee a little, which was nice. Jimin wasn’t there – because he’s a final year student doing a work placement with us, it’s a nightmare trying to get him a work visa for the States.
I’m glad you had a good night out, even if it did make your handwriting almost illegible! Also, I don’t know whether you looked over your letter before you sent it, but your lines were so slanted it was like they were trying to slide off the page. I love getting letters from you, hyung, but this was more like a graphic design project than a piece of writing.
As for my voice… Honestly, when I meet strangers, I tend to pitch my voice a little higher. I guess we’ve talked so much over letters that I just used my natural voice? It was nice talking to you on the phone, though – we should do it more often, even if letter writing is fun.
Namjoon
“Hyung? What’s wrong?”
“Hmm? Oh, nothing. You said in your last letter that we should talk more on the phone.”
“Oh yeah, I did.”
“What time is it there? Did I wake you?”
“No, no, it’s noon here. I was up late working, you know how it is.”
“On a Saturday? Namjoon-ah, you never work on weekends.”
“Yeah, well, the regional manager had us all in – the CEO’s in town, apparently our branch ‘isn’t doing too well’.”
“What does that even mean, in the context of charity work? How do you quantify the impact a place like yours has on the local community?”
“Same way you always do – money.”
“Shit. Sorry, Joon-ah.”
“You sound pretty tired too, hyung. What time is it? Where are you?”
“It’s just before midnight in… Honestly, I’m not too sure where I am? I’m on a sleeper train somewhere in continental Europe. We just passed a field, if that helps.”
“I’ll check my maps… Hyung? You still there?”
“Mmm.”
“You should get some rest.”
“Mmm.”
“…Want me to stay on the line until you fall asleep?”
“Mmm.”
“Alright.”
Namjoon to Yoongi, a birthday card clearly marketed for an older man.
Hyung, happy birthday!!!
I can’t believe you didn’t tell me it was your birthday when you called last night! As soon as you started your ‘Spending my birthday on the train’ livestream, I rushed out to buy this card, which is why it’s meant for an old man – it was the only one left, honest.
Okay, I’m going to post this and then I’ll go back to watching your stream!
Namjoon
Yoongi to Namjoon, typed, including a photo of a doughnut-shaped cake.
Namjoon,
Thanks for the birthday card, and for staying on the phone with me the night before my birthday. I’d rung to tell you that it was going to be my birthday, but I chickened out at the last minute – literally the last minute, as in the moment you answered the phone.
I saw your comment in the chat asking about the cake I was eating, but my chat can get… Weirdly invasive when it comes to people I know in real life. So, in answer to your question – it’s bábovka, and while it’s nice, it’s not really got me in the mood for celebrating my birthday like seaweed soup would. However, Europeans love eating cake for their birthdays, so, when in Rome.
Or the Czech countryside, as I happened to be travelling through on my birthday.
Solo train travel for its own sake can be exciting, but it can be incredibly boring at times. Like right now – this particular train comes through this tiny station once a week, and it’s arrived three hours early, so we have to wait until it’s actually time to depart.
At least the weather’s nice – I’m writing this to you while I’m sitting on a wooden fence by a field. It sounds aesthetic as hell, but in all honesty, my ass hurts.
While I’d like to drag this letter out to give me something else to do, I don’t actually have any more news. I can’t even kill time by looking for the post office in the village, because the conductor’s very kindly offered to take this letter with him on his lunch break, which means I feel obligated to finish this letter as soon as possible.
Yoongi
P.S. Keep me updated on your job, yeah? I’ve been keeping an eye on the news, but it looks pretty sensationalist.
Namjoon to Yoongi, handwritten. The ink becomes increasingly darker as the letter goes on, as though the writer was pressing harder and harder into the page.
Hyung,
I saw the Insta post of you sitting on that fence, and you were right, it does look incredibly aesthetically pleasing – like you’re a witch who lives in a cottage and bakes bread, or something.
You can’t even tell that you were griping to me about your sore ass.
I’m not sure what the news has been saying, but it’s probably correct – the reason why our branch isn’t ‘doing so well’ is because the regional manager’s been embezzling funds. Especially shitty to steal from a charity, but what do I know? It also explains why the carpet under my desk was allowed to be soggy all the time, because that money was going towards my manager’s kid’s college education back in the States.
While it’s being investigated, we’re all being reassigned, so I’ve taken up a position back home, which’ll please my parents. Jimin’s devastated, because he’s just short of the required hours for his degree – I’ve recommended him to the Seoul branch, so, finger’s crossed.
It’ll be nice to go home again, but I’ll miss Hong Kong – it’s where we met, after all.
Any plans to come home anytime soon?
Namjoon
Yoongi to Namjoon, handwritten on stolen hotel paper.
Namjoon,
Probably not until the fall, to be honest – I’m lined up for a load of conventions here in Europe. Apparently I have a ‘sizeable audience’ here, according to Seokjin, which he takes full credit for because it was his idea to hire people to translate and caption my videos, even though I’d argue that people are coming to my channel for my winning personality.
In all seriousness, I’ve actually met two of my long-time captioners, two students from back home. Sweet enough kids, but they keep asking me if I’m going to play Overwatch on my channel, even though I’ve explained that I’m a travel vlogger, not a gamer.
It’s weird to think that we grew up in the same country for years, but we didn’t get to meet until a chance encounter in some grimy club in Hong Kong. I’m glad you spilled your drink on me, even if those pants were permanently ruined, and I’m sorry you’re having to leave.
Looking at the address you’ve given me for your new place in Seoul, you’re really close to where Hoseok lives. I’m sure you’ve already got friends and acquaintances in the city, but I can give you his address if you want it, just let me know over the phone or something.
Yoongi
Namjoon to Yoongi, handwritten, including a photo of Namjoon with another man.
Hyung,
Look who I found!
It turns out when you said ‘you’ll be really close to Hoseok’, what that actually meant was ‘you’ll live in neighbouring apartment blocks’.
Small world!
Hoseok’s super cool, and the same age as me – it’s nice having a same-age friend again.
It’s kind of weird being back in Seoul. I keep defaulting to Cantonese, before remembering that I’m not in Hong Kong anymore, panicking, switching to English, and panicking again before switching back to Korean. On the plus side, the company and Jimin’s university agreed to let him transfer to the Seoul branch for the rest of his placement year, so he’s a lot happier now!
Speaking of Jimin, it turns out we’ve got another connection in common. You know you were telling me about your captioners? Well, one of them’s Jimin’s best friend! Jimin mentioned me to Taehyung, and he told me to tell you that ‘If you just stream Overwatch once I’ll never ask again, hyung, I’ll even buy you Loot Boxes to open on stream’.
I had to copy that word for word from the message Jimin sent me, so if it doesn’t make sense to you, don’t blame me.
How’re your conventions going? It’s weird that I watched a video of you speaking to a room filled with hundreds of people about sensible topics like travelling ethically and responsibly when, just this morning, I was on a video call with you where I watched you pour dry cereal in your mouth, announce that it was ‘the most important meal of the day’, before you collapsed, half-asleep, face first onto your bed.
I’m still watching our video call while I write this, which is kind of weird. In my defence, I did sort of figure you would’ve woken up by now, and by this point I think it’d be weirder to hang up and for you to see that I’d spent several hours on a call with you before hanging up without saying anything, rather than just waiting for you to wake up again.
It’s weirder, right?
Anyway, I’m going to do some work while I wait for you to wake up.
Sleep well, hyung!
Namjoon
Yoongi to Namjoon, handwritten on letterheaded paper from a chain hotel in France.
Namjoon,
The conventions were good, thanks – I got an award for ‘Best Newcomer’ at one of them, which is hilarious when you consider that I’ve been doing this for almost five years, but you know, I suppose I’m a newcomer to the European voting boards if the metric is “Well, we’ve only just heard about you.”
Sorry, I’ve been in a bit of a mood about it recently. There’re so many other genuinely good newcomers that could really benefit from an award like that, but instead they’re giving it to me.
I’ve had a change of travel plans, though – I’m not going home for the fall, because I’ll instead be going on a sponsored trip to Antarctica, which is pretty awesome. It does mean that I’ll be dropping off the radar for about two weeks mid-November, and then I’ll be in South America up until the holidays, and then I’ll be home. I’ll give you my ship email address closer to the time so I can email you about my days – I’ll even see if I can find a postcard, but it’ll probably get to you a lot faster if I wait to post it from Argentina. Did you know that, for nonessential post, it can sometimes take a full year from you sending a letter to you receiving a reply? Although I think that’s for stamp collectors, I can’t imagine scientists making families wait that long to hear from their loved ones.
Yoongi
April 2020
Yoongi to Namjoon, handwritten on slightly yellowing letterheaded paper from a hotel in Cambodia.
Namjoon,
Do you remember how we used to write each other letters like this? I was looking back over our post – we sort of fell out of the habit just before my Antarctica trip, probably because we both simultaneously realised we talked to each other over the phone and email almost every day by that point. I know at least, on my part, I had so many things I was excited to tell you about, I was telling you them over the phone to hear your thoughts and reactions sooner. I didn’t want to relegate any of my news to paper, so I ended up relegating none of it to paper.
What with everything going on with the world right now, I’ve been thinking about the things I enjoyed about travelling, and one of those things was getting your letters. I even dug out my old, stolen hotel paper.
I’m so mad that we’ve still not had a chance to meet face-to-face since Hong Kong (almost five years ago now!), and it doesn’t look like we’ll get a chance any time soon. I’m even more mad that we’re both in Seoul, right now, and we can’t meet. I know I’ve told you this over the phone, but something about the old habit of writing letters to you is making me sentimental, I suppose.
I’m lucky, in a way – I’ve been working from home for years, and I’ve built up a sizeable enough audience that I think enough of them will stick around as my travel vlogging becomes stay-at-home vlogging for the foreseeable future, but I don’t know how long that goodwill will last. I’m more worried about everyone else – my family, who all work essential jobs; Seokjin, Taehyung, and Jeongguk, whose livelihoods are relying on me retaining my audience; Hoseok, who’s already seen his wages slashed because he can’t tour.
And you, Namjoon-ah. I know you’d hate to hear me say it out loud, so I never will, but I hope you won’t mind if I put it in writing – I know how much your job means to you, and I know how much of it relies on face-to-face contact with the youths who’re able to drop into your offices. I’m worried for you, but at the same time, I know you’re working hard to make yourself as available to people as you can be. So I’m also worrying that you’re overworking yourself over there in your apartment.
Sometimes, I look out of my window and imagine that, if I look hard enough, I’ll be able to see your apartment from mine.
Impossible, I know, not least because the window in question doesn’t even face your apartment, but when the sound of my own thoughts is starting to get too loud in the silence of my apartment block, it’s comforting to look out of the sky and think about how you’re so close, the closest you’ve been in almost five years.
I’m not expecting a reply, not least because, as I said, we talk every day anyway. I just hope that the nostalgic familiarity of getting a letter from me is something that will bring you as much joy as it gave me to write it.
I’ll end this here before I start writing some shit about how I teared up earlier listening to the recording of whale song I got while I was in Antarctica. I need to, as the kids say, touch grass, which I’ll do during my walk tomorrow.
Yoongi
Namjoon to Yoongi, typed, beginning with a photo of a hand buried in suspiciously blue-tinged grass. A handwritten note next to the photo reads, “If I’d have known my printer was almost out of yellow ink, I wouldn’t have asked it to print green grass!!!”
Hyung,
Look! Photographic evidence of me also touching grass.
In all seriousness, thank you for your letter – although, like you said, we’ve been friends who don’t write letters for far longer than we were friends that did, it was surprisingly familiar to get your letter through the mail. It was comforting. For the moments I was reading your words, it was almost like nothing had changed.
I’d love to hear the whale song you recorded (I never knew you recorded them!!); if you could send a copy my way, I’d appreciate it a lot. I love hearing about all your travels, obviously, but I have such a soft spot for Antarctica (and I think you know why).
And, if we’re going to get sentimental here, I’m worrying about you too, hyung – for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve not been easily contained to one place. While I’d argue that no one on Earth is really, truly satisfied with seeing just a handful of places in it, there’re some people in this world who are made to see as much of it as possible, and I think you’re one of them.
Also, even though you might not be able to see my apartment from your window, I do spend a lot of time looking out of my own window. I don’t know if you’re a believer in fate, or cosmic chances, or whatever, but perhaps we’re both looking out of our windows at the same time?
Stay safe, stay well,
Namjoon
Yoongi to Namjoon, typed. Includes a CD with ‘Whale ‘song’ for Namjoon, and other soundscapes’ written on it in purple pen.
Namjoon,
Okay, when I say I cry while listening to this whale song, you have to understand that that’s because I have an emotional memory attached to seeing whales up close and personal. I am not crying because this is a beautiful, life-affirming sound. Please lower your expectations for this.
Now lower them again.
I’ve also included other sounds I’ve recorded over the years. I record a lot of audio when I travel, because sometimes it makes for great atmospherics for video transitions and stuff, and I’ve amassed a huge library of it. There’re too many tracks to include liner notes for all of them in this letter, but here’re some for a few of my favourites:
01, Whale Song – Namjoon I’m deadly serious, please lower your expectations for this one.
03, Shit Baguette – this Parisian soundscape, in my mind, was just missing an accordion in the background for that true Paris vibe, but when I used it in a video it was demonetised. One of my followers on Twitter later informed me that that was because there’s a long part of the French dialogue where the speaker is using increasingly foul language to discuss the food at the café.
06, Traffic – nothing funny about this one, it’s just a recording of the traffic somewhere in Ushuaia, but it’s been comforting to have on in the background.
07, Sound Crimes – remember when Hoseok came out to visit me in Japan last year, and I mentioned we went to do karaoke, and Hoseok sent you the recording of us absolutely nailing Epik High? This is the recording of us performing IU towards the end of the night.
There’s plenty of other things on this CD, too – voice notes from over the years, including one hidden in there that I think you’ll like. I won’t tell you where, though. It can be like one of those hidden tracks artists sometimes put on albums. I’ve always liked that idea, of hiding something that only people who listen to you properly will be able to find, so I wanted to give it a go.
Although it’s not really ‘hidden’ if I tell you about it, I suppose.
Speaking of things we’re not supposed to be saying, I thought we’d agreed not to mention the Antarctica emails again, huh? I was drunk and emotional over penguins, you can’t hold those emails against me forever, Kim Namjoon, it’s been over three YEARS.
Starting to seriously regret starting up this habit again,
Yoongi
Namjoon to Yoongi, typed.
Hyung,
Hyung. Hyung.
Why does the whale song sound like cows?
This is not the majestic experience I was expecting, even though you did, admittedly, tell me, multiple times, to lower my expectations.
Listening to the rest of your soundscapes was so fascinating, hyung, like I was sitting there with you on your travels. I can see why you’ve been listening to them a lot recently.
And I found your hidden voice note! It’s so weird (good weird!) that, had I not replied to your postcard, I’d have been a funny anecdote in one of your videos. Hearing your voice outline a potential script for that video was hilarious – you sounded so young! Thank you for sharing it with me.
Speaking of sharing, I’ve noticed that we’ve both been using these letters as an opportunity to talk about thinks we’ve never brought up over the phone or email. You don’t have to answer this, but I noticed, in your recent blog post, you uploaded an itinerary of every place you’ve been over the time you’ve been a travel vlogger, including the times you went home.
You came back to Seoul last year? You didn’t mention it. I know you’ll have had your reasons, but maybe you’ll feel more comfortable talking about them over paper?
Namjoon
Yoongi to Namjoon, typed.
Namjoon,
Humpback whales have been recorded sounding like cows, elks, even motorcycles – they’re not always singing prettily so someone can meditate to them, you know.
I’m glad you like the soundscapes – I’ve found they can capture the mood of a place better than a photograph, at times.
The reason I was in Seoul was pretty unremarkable, honestly – a blogger acquaintance of mine was having a party to celebrate the launch of her new book, if I remember rightly. You might even be able to see photos of me on the red carpet, if you go searching through the stock image sites.
As to why I didn’t tell you, that’s a little more embarrassing. It was a short notice decision to go back to Seoul, and a part of me was worried that meeting you face-to-face like that, as such a last minute thing… It felt anticlimactic?
In retrospect this was stupid as hell, especially because we’ve now been in the same city for months without being able to meet, and at this point I’d take accidentally running into you on a mandated walk, but that’s how I was feeling at the time.
It’s interesting that, in an attempt to get the perfect meeting with you after all these years, I inadvertently made it so that it’d take us even longer to meet in person.
The streets below my apartment have been even quieter of late, and I think the silence of the world outside is making me even more pensive than normal. I like your idea of using these letters to ‘vocalise’ things we’ve never said to one another – it feels like it fits well with the silence outside.
Here’s one from me – do you remember when you sent me a letter asking who Seokjin was, and you rang me to apologise for what you’d written? When you rang me, I’d just read the letter, and I thought you were ringing to ask me out. Something in your letter sounded jealous, although perhaps that was because I hadn’t grown used to your tone yet?
I’ve often wondered what I would’ve said, if you’d asked.
Yoongi
Namjoon to Yoongi, handwritten. There’re faint impressions in the paper of previous letters written on the pad of paper, but they’re too faint to read.
Hyung,
I don’t suppose it’d be fair to ask what answer you think you would’ve given, but I can’t help wondering, too.
Please don’t blame yourself for not wanting our first meeting in years to be hurried, hyung – I think, if the situations had been reversed, I’d have probably thought the same thing. We’ve been friends for so long that I would’ve wanted our next face-to-face meeting to be something planned, rather than a whistle-stop thing where one of us just happened to have enough time to meet the other.
Although, like you said, now that we specifically can’t meet each other, I find myself wishing I could run into you. You know, I could’ve sworn I saw you while I was out for a walk the other day?
Ah, hyung. Do you ever feel like you’ve missed a chance at something that you didn’t even realise was an option?
Namjoon
Yoongi to Namjoon, typed.
Namjoon,
It might not be fair to ask, but I’m not sure it would be fair of me to give an answer, either – any answer I give would be based on my experiences since then, so who’s to say if it’s actually the answer I would’ve given?
It’s possible that it was me, you know – that’d be ironic, if, after all this time, we’ve just been accidentally walking past each other in the streets.
It’s comforting to know you’re feeling similarly to me, and I think it’s good to have this space to air these thoughts.
As soon as we can, let’s meet in person, yeah? We don’t even need to plan anything – we can just go for a walk, or sit and watch television.
Yoongi
Namjoon to Yoongi, typed – the envelope has a Hong Kong postage stamp stuck, skewed, in the corner.
Hyung,
I’m gonna need to put a rain check on our plans to meet (again). Sorry for telling you this via letter rather than over the phone – it being easier to write difficult things down is a double-edged sword, it turns out.
My company’s opening a new branch in Hong Kong again and, seeing as I’m technically a Hong Kong employee rather than a Seoul one, despite the fact I’ve worked in Seoul longer than I ever worked in Hong Kong, they’ve asked me to be the interim regional manager until they can hire someone. I say asked. It’s one of those questions where there’s only two answers – yes, or quitting, and I can’t afford to quit…
So yeah. Because it’s charity work, I had special dispensation to fly out of South Korea, which is why I’m writing this from a hotel in Hong Kong. Sorry, again, that I didn’t tell you directly.
I’m hoping that this placement will only be for a couple of months, but realistically I could be out here for as much as a few years – often, if the charity’s got someone in a position, even if it’s supposedly temporarily, they’ll keep them in that position until they quit.
I’m sorry, again, for not telling you over the phone.
Namjoon
Summer 2022
“Get this.”
“Hyung, usually when people call someone, they say ‘hello’. Or hi.”
“Yeah, yeah, well…”
“What’s happened?”
“Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
“…Good?”
“Well, I’m supposed to be coming to Hong Kong.”
“Good? Hyung, that’s great – amazing news! Wait, what’s the bad news?”
“My accommodation’s fallen through, and without that I can’t get a working visa, which means I can’t, you know, work in Hong Kong. Which means I can’t justify the expense, so it means I’ll have to go somewhere else-”
“You could come here.”
“Here?”
“Here. My place. I’ve got room. Loads of room.”
“…You sure?”
“…Yeah. Never been more sure.”
Usually, Yoongi tries to fit all of his luggage in a carry on precisely so he can avoid this – standing at the carousel, watching bags slowly make their way around on the conveyor belt. However, for this trip, he’d needed to bring a lot more camera equipment than he normally did, so he’s standing here, tapping his foot as he waits.
He’s not been to Hong Kong International in seven years, but it still looks more or less the same. Most airports do, after a certain point. He sometimes has anxiety dreams where he’s trying to find his way through an airport that he thinks is in one city, only to go outside and find himself in an entirely different city.
He’s meeting Namjoon at his place. Namjoon had offered, multiple times, to meet him at the airport and get a taxi or the MTR back to his place, but Yoongi’s flight is a redeye, and Namjoon hadn’t been able to get the day off work. So, instead, Namjoon’s given him a personal keycode to his apartment, and he can just let himself in when he arrives.
If he ever arrives. He’s been watching generic black suitcase after generic black suitcase slowly whir past him, and he’s starting to get that niggling suspicion that his luggage has gone to a different country again when he sees his bag, bright blue, break through the draft curtains. Normally, he’d wait in place for his luggage to make its way around the baggage carousel to him – that’s what the point of the conveyor belt is, after all – but he’s too excited to wait, so he picks his way through the crowds, snatches up his suitcase, and heads to the taxi bay.
Normally, he’d tell his readers and viewers that most airports are perfectly accessible through public transport. That taxis from an airport are an unnecessary expense. The MTR even has a dedicated Airport Express line.
But it’s late, and he’s really excited to get to Namjoon’s, so, taxi it is.
Namjoon lives a little bit outside of the city proper, which explains how he’s got enough space to host Yoongi. As Yoongi stares up at his apartment building, hearing the taxi driver pull away behind him, he takes in a deep breath and lets himself in through the door.
He’s so jittery that he doesn’t think he’ll be able to fall asleep, and he’s also pretty sure that he’ll stay awake until Namjoon wakes up – the thought of him being so close after all these years is making his hands shake.
He takes the elevator. In his earlier travelling days, he could absolutely have taken the stairs, carrying his luggage around with him as easily as he would the clothes on his back, but a two-year travelling break, not to mention the fact that he’s starting to feel aches and pains while travelling that simply weren’t there when he was in his early twenties and running around the world, means that he’s not willing to subject himself to climbing endless flights of stairs with his suitcase, especially when said suitcase is holding his most expensive filming equipment.
Yoongi stares at his own face in the elevator’s mirrored walls as it slowly ascends. He looks wan, and the bags under his eyes are practically big enough to need to be checked in on a plane. Briefly, he wishes that he looked a little fresher, before he remembers that Namjoon’s already seen him at his absolute worst over video calls and photos – dripping with sweat after running for a bus in Buenos Aires; pale-lipped and teeth chattering as he walked the streets of Helsinki while Namjoon tried to help him decipher directions to his hotel; photos of him nauseously giving a thumbs up on the ship to Antarctica.
Still, as he lets himself into Namjoon’s apartment as quietly as possible, he tries to recall where his bathroom is, hoping to freshen up at least a little before Namjoon wakes up, when something moves on the couch.
Yoongi freezes, hand still on the door handle.
The thing on the couch turns to look at him – a head – and Namjoon’s sleepy eyes blink slowly; once, twice, three times.
“Hyung? You’re here?” Namjoon murmurs, rubbing his eyes.
“I’m here,” Yoongi says, quietly closing the door behind him and resting his suitcase next to the wall. It’s odd seeing Namjoon’s apartment from this angle – namely, without Namjoon himself taking up most of his view as he paces around his apartment while on a video call to Yoongi. There’s his bed, navy sheets neatly made, sitting next to the low wooden bookshelf that serves as a partition between Namjoon’s sleeping space and his living space. Every available surface, all of which are complimentary woods, is covered in plants, and an art book is resting, cracked open and face down, on the coffee table. It’s all so familiar, as though Yoongi’s lived here with Namjoon for the last two years. “Why’re you awake? Thought you had work.”
Namjoon hums and gestures for Yoongi to sit down. “I wanted to be awake when you got home. I can work from home tomorrow, it’s not a big deal.” Yoongi can tell that he’s starting to feel more awake because he’s taking in Yoongi’s appearance more intently, eyes lingering, hyper-focused, on specific aspects of him – his eyes, his mouth, his hair, which is starting to get on the long side. “You’re smaller in person than I remember,” Namjoon says with the bluntness of exhaustion, which is how Yoongi knows that he hasn’t yet woken up completely.
“No, think you’re just bigger than you used to be,” Yoongi says gently as he sits. “You were just a gangly kid when we met that first time, now look at you.” Yoongi knew, in theory, that Namjoon had gotten into fitness during the pandemic, but video calling has not done Namjoon justice. He’s broad shouldered, his arms are so muscly that Yoongi thinks they’re probably as thick as his own thigh, and his legs in his pyjama shorts look incredible, strong and sturdy. This close, there’s a texture to the shorter hairs of his haircut which had never come across on the screen, a texture that makes Yoongi want to reach out and touch it.
“Can’t believe you’re here,” Namjoon mutters, eyes starting to flick all over Yoongi’s face, like he’s reading a novel. “I could just…” He reaches out and, very gently, touches his fingertips to the back of Yoongi’s hand. He’s so gentle that Yoongi can feel the movement on the little hairs on the back of his hand first, then the slow, warm pressure of his fingertips. “Wow.”
Yoongi, in turn, shifts his hand slightly, pulls it back just enough that he can slide his hand out from underneath Namjoon’s, and then intertwines their fingers. He watches Namjoon’s face carefully, looking for any sign that this is unwelcome, but there’s a smile shining on his face like the sun through honey, so he tilts the heel of his palm towards Namjoon’s.
And Namjoon responds in kind.
“I wrote you a letter,” Namjoon whispers, looking at the artbook on his coffee table. “I wasn’t sure whether it’d be easier to say in writing, so I wrote it anyway, just in case.” He turns back to look at Yoongi. “But I can’t imagine there’s anything easier in the world to say to you right now than what I want to say, which is that I love you, and I’ve loved you for a while. I don’t know when it happened, but I know I realised it when you sent those emails from Antarctica.”
“Again with the Antarctica emails,” Yoongi jokes, but his voice is too warm, too giddy to come off as anything other than joyful. “We agreed never to speak about them.”
“You agreed,” Namjoon says, squeezing their hands. “I treasure them dearly, and I’d bring them up every day if I could find a good time to do so.”
“I love you, too,” Yoongi says, and Namjoon’s right, it’s the easiest thing in the world to say it to him. “And, even though we both know what happens when I wait for the opportune moment, I still wanted to wait until we were in person before I told you.”
Namjoon shakes his head. “Hyung, this is perfect.”
And when he finally leans in to kiss Yoongi, after years of waiting, Yoongi’s rather inclined to agree.
The Antarctica Emails
Sent: 19:23 UTC, November 14, 2016
Namjoon,
It’s hard to put into words how being here is making me feel. There’s a certain ego to being a travel blogger – and I mean that in the self-interest way, as opposed to the Jungian theory (thank you for the book recommendation, by the way – I’ve been listening to it as an audio book, because the crossing through Drake Passage was enough to make me, seasoned traveller that I am, want to sit curled up around a bucket. The thought of reading books during that journey was enough to make my stomach churn, so, audio books it is for me.)
You need to have at least a little self-interest to be an effective travel blogger – indeed, a blogger in general. You’ve got to believe that your story is worth telling, and it’s worth telling the way you tell it.
But it’s hard to feel like that when you’re staring at the landscape here.
It’s so isolated, you can’t help but sink into your own thoughts a lot. I thought the cold was going to be the toughest thing about this place, but it turns out it’s the existential… Not dread? Reckoning is the right word, I think.
I know it’s hard to convey this in words, but I wanted to try anyway. I think you’d really appreciate it here.
I’m about to go to the bar with a few of the people I’ve met here, so I’ll email you again when I get back – I can’t send any photos, but I’ll try and describe the penguins I saw today to you.
Yoongi
Sent: 00:00 UTC, November 15, 2016
Kim Namjoon, did you know that penguins are monogamous? That means they mate for life. Well, not all penguins, as some of them are probably cheating trash, but most penguins mate for life. I don’t know what’s in the alcohol down here, but it’s very strong, and I’ve been thinking about who I’d want to spend the rest of my life with, if I was a penguin, and it’d probably be you.
Sent: 00:08 UTC, November 15, 2016
Unless you’re a trash penguin in which case FORGET IT
Sent: 06:47 UTC, November 15, 2016
Namjoon, please ignore those emails. As I said, I’d spent the day looking at penguins and was clearly going through some stuff after drinking the strongest whiskey known to mankind. I don’t actually think you’re a trash penguin.
Received: 07:12 UTC, November 15, 2016
Hyung, are you kidding? I’m going to be thinking about this for the rest of my life.
(For what it’s worth, if we were penguins, I’d want to spend the rest of my life with you, too.)