Archive of Our Own ^beta

Server: Get UnDead

agent of chaos, kiera, lance deltarune, and 2 others are online

#gen

wizards of waverly place

uh

so

weird question @fangedorbanged

but whens the last time you were in the british musuem

nuwu

catalina what the fUCK I said to dm him???

fangedorbanged is online

nuwu

goddammit

fangedorbanged

uh like physically in the musuem? Idk 1850

why are you asking

wizards of waverly place

ok follow up question

have u ever donated anything there

like

lets say

any of ur writing

fangedorbanged

lmao willingly?

.

Wait.

DID THEY GET MY FLYNN RIDER FANFICTION

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

EXCUSE ME your WHAT

wizards of waverly place

not now grandpa we have bigger problems

nuwu

ffs I can’t watch this

@bong dm me when this blows over

istg this shit never happens in the banshee server

why are vampires so MESSY

nuwu is offline

fangedorbanged

CAT PLS ANSWER ME

DID THEY GET MY FANFICTION

ITS NOT EVEN FINISHED!!!!

wizards of waverly place

calm ur tits shawty they didn’t get ur weird flynn rider rpf jesus

bong

Lol yea they got way worse

like

WAY way worse

like remember that painting of rapunzel the lourve had for like

Idk a year

and eugene totally flipped out bc it was one of HIS and like

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

Can we please stop talking about this.

bong

And like afterwards we were all like

WELL NOTHING CAN EVER BE AS EMBARRASSING OR FUNNY AS THIS

hahaha

guess what varian

fangedorbanged

yong what are u saying

wizards of waverly place

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STOP CALLING ME HORACE

WHAT AM I LOOKING AT

fangedorbanged is offline

lance deltarune

My innocent pure eyes…..

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT IN THE GROUPCHAT

SOMEONE PLEASE DELETE THESE BEFORE RAPUNZEL GETS HERE

agent of chaos

@nohairdontcare

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

cassandra waht the FUCK

agent of chaos

funny.

DM, @Nuru

Varian

PLS TELL ME YOU AND YONG ARE PRANKING ME

this is payback for rome right

haha u got me nuru very very funny

i'll tell everyone u win the game once and for all

Varian

i KNOW ur getting these

i'm not stupid

i know how phones work

text me back

Varian has started a call

Varian has ended a call

Varian

PICK

UP

YOUR

PHONE

Varian

THIS ISN’T FUNNY NURU

Nuru is online

Nuru

its a little funny

Varian

its NOT

what if HUGO SEES

Nuru

SO IT IS HUGO IN THOSE LETTERS

Varian

FUCK

Nuru

i mean tbf they have his letters too

Varian

WHAT

nuru PLEASE SAY SIKE

Nuru

yea i dont think cat wanted to send those in the main chat

mainly bc she doesn’t want to deal with eugene in the off chance he decides to google inflation

Varian

THEY GOT THE INFLATION ONES

Nuru

yea and the uh

how do I put this delicately

oh yeah the ones where you guys lean into gender roles a little TOO much

Varian

are u kink shaming me

Nuru

yes because ur dead and CAN’T HAVE BABIES

Varian

thats why its a kINK STUPID

Nuru

i have learned more about u and ur stupid ex than I have ever wanted to know

like EVER

THERE ARE PICTURES VARIAN

i not only had to read ur shit but i had to look at the PIC. TURES.

Varian

you didn’t have to read them??? OR LOOK???

why is this my fault

Nuru

BECAUSE YOU LET THE BRITISH MUSEUM PUT UR WEIRD PORN OUT IN PUBLIC

AND I HAD TO SEE IT

WITH MY OWN TWO EYES

Varian

I DIDN’T LET THEM!!

THEY COME INTO MY HOUSE AND STEAL MY PORN and suddenly its MY FAULT

Nuru

maybe if u didn’t leave ur SHIT all over rome historical societies wouldn’t keep TAKING IT

oh shit wait nope I just read that back

my b my b u right

museum evil. Taketh waht not THEIRS

but also clean up after urself varian istg

Nuru

also stop using ur artistic powers for evil

i never need to see rat boy’s junk in that graphic detail again

DMS, @yong

Varian

i need ur help

Yong

lmao yeah you do

Varian

if ur going to mock me i can go to eugene instead

is that what u want

u want me to have a fun and dangerous museum heist without u

bc eugene has been dying to hit this place for decades

Yong

Now lets not be hasty

Varian

thats what i thought

now pls pls pls pls tell me u can get me inside

Yong

haha thats what hugo said during the first punic war

Yong

,,,,varian

Your message cannot be delivered

Yong

BITQCH

Your message cannot be delivered

Server: Get UnDead

bong, nohairdontcare, nuwu, and STOP CALLING ME HORACE are online

#discussion

nohairdontcare

Sooo in light of recent events

nuwu

oh my fucking god

nothairdontcare

I just think we should be more conscious of what we’re sending to the main groupchat!!

wizards of waverly place

i mean we’re all adults here

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

and as an adult I’m exercising my adult right to never see erotica That Boy again

wizards of waverly place

haha THAT BOY

i forgot that u did that

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

??Did what

nuwu

talked about hugo like ur some upperclass socialite mad about ur daughter falling in love with the newspaper boy

bong

“erotica”

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL IT???

bong

hentai

nuwu

nightmare fuel

wizards of waverly place

literally just porn??? Dude waht decade are you LIVING in

nohairdontcare

Kids please

bong

i mean tbf they still classify most romance genre stuff as erotica

esp the visual stuff

so technically we’re all right

OH MY GOD

WAIT

nuwu

????

bong

DID HUGO INVENT HENTAI

Everyone is typing …

Groupchat: we ’re all in this together

Members: Catalina, Nuru, and Yong

Nuru

ok

So listen

I know we’re having a good time fucking with varian

Yong

like how hugo fucked with varian in mesopotania and they invented what might be the first actual dildo apparently

Catalina

none of those words are in minecraft

Nuru

do u guys want to hear my big gay epic plan to get varian and hugo back together or not

Yong

WHAT

Catalina

now now nuru

i think we need to ask ourselves

do we really WANT that

Nuru

YES

we DO ACTUALLY

Catalina

???

Nuru

ok so in the interest of true love I’m going to tell you both something that CANNOT LEAVE THIS GROUPCHAT

Yong

Go on

Nuru

so you remember when rapunzel and eugene changed their wedding plans

and we ended up flying out to lance’s weird sheep farm

instead of going to venice

DESPITE venice being THE PLACE where they MET

Yong

yea I thought that was little weird…

Catalina

this was literally two centuries ago so idk how u think I remember this

but yeah I’m listening

what about dad’s weird sheep farm

Nuru

last christmas varian got vry drunk and told me that they did that so he wouldn’t be uncomfortable

Yong

???

Varian used to hang out in venice all the time??

like LITERALLY all the time

kiera and I thot he had a secret mistress there lololol

Nuru

…….

Yong

wait

WAIT

DIDN’T HUGO HAVE A HOSUE IN VENICE

OMG

Nuru

yeah and they fucking broke up in venice

Catalina

ur not giving me a single good reason why they should get back together

Nuru

varian was crying when he told me this

Catalina

so I get to find his scruffy underfed vegan vampire ass and beat the shit outta him

still not giving me a reason to care about this

Nuru

jfc LOOK

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Yong

oh

Catalina

oh

Catalina has added Kiera

Yong has changed we ’re all in this together to the parent trap yassified

Kiera

…

Whut?

Catalina

backread now

DMS, @eugene

Varian

im breaking into the bm at midnight u in

Eugene

bm?? Like bowel movement???

Varian

MZNXBCVZNXCVMZXCVNB

british musuem you FREAK

same difference tho

WHATEVER ARE YOU IN OR

Eugene

one condition i do NOT look at anything ur stealing

not bc i disaprove

of you stealing that is

pls feel free to steal shit all the time im proud of u kiddo

i just dont think my eyes can take seeing what you are stealing a second time

Varian

NO NO WE’RE ON THE SAME SIDE HERE

NEITHER OF US WANTS YOU EVER LOOKING AT THAT AGAIN

i just need someone to get me inside

Eugene

i know a guy

be ready to ride at dawn

Varian

i said MIDNIGHT

eugene i cannot ride at dawn i have a lecture to teach at dawn

Eugene

ITS A FIGURE OF SPEECH

Server: Get UnDead

#irl-sightings

kiera

This guy looks familiar someone dox him for me

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wizards of waverly place

@bong dm me right now

lance undertale

THE PLOT THICKENS???

kiera

literally someone give me an answer

fangedorbanged is online

fangedorbanged is offline

lance undertale

uh oh

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

WHY IS THE RAT BOY AT YOUR SCHOOL WHAT THE FQUCK

DMS, @Nuru

Varian

DID YOU HAVE OSMETHING TOD O WITH THAR

NIRU

*NURU

Nuru

with what

Idk what ur talking about

Varian

nuru why is hugo in europe

Nuru

idk europe is a pretty big region

why shouldn’t he be in europe

maybe he likes europe

idk

Varian

…

Groupchat: the parent trap yassified

Members: Catalina, Kiera, Nuru, and Yong

Catalina

ok good job getting hugo here everyone

except for kiera who posted it publicly

Nuru

dude wtf

varians blowing up my dms

Yong

lol and hugo is blowing up MINE

Catalina

YOU HAVE HUGO IN YOUR DMS

TRAITOR

Yong

excuse u just bc the rest of u PICKED SIDES in the divorce doesn’t mean that I HAD TO

Catalina

VAMPS BEFORE TRAMPS YONG

Nuru

…

…yong

Yong

Yea

Nuru

u had hugo in ur dms

this entire time

that we have been planning the varian and hugo big reuinion

Yong

the #vugo #reunion

but yes

Kiera

VUGO???

Nuru

??? We literally could have texted HUGO screenshots of his weird h*nd h*lding fantasies iNSTEAD OF LURING HIM HERE WITH FREE CONCERT TICKETS

Catalina

whoa whoa whoa whoa

TRIGGER WARN h*nd h*lding next time JESUS NURU

Nuru

sorry my bad

Catalina

also as an anti ship bystander i’m gonna say it

VUGO SOUNDS STUPID

Yong

WHATS WRONG WITH IT

Nuru

thats an off topic question

Kiera

you have been silenced

DMS, @Hugo

Yong

So anyway you might wanna take a trip to culture jail this weekend

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Hugo

WHAT THE FUCK

I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THOSE

Hugo is typing...

Server: Get UnDead

agent of chaos, bong, kiera, lance deltarune, and 4 others are online

#emergencies-only

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

uh

nohairdontcare

eugene what did you do

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

i’m at the bm

lance deltarune

THE WHAT

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

BRITISH MUSEUM

why did ur mind go there haha lmao XD

wizards of waverly place

pls stop

nohairdontcare

eugene where are you?
and why did you leave a note tapped to our fridge that just says “out for milk”

we HAVE milk

also its one in the morning

bong is typing …

bong

OH MY GOD ARE YOU AND VARIAN DOING A MUSEUM HEIST WITHOUT ME

THAT BITCH

HE KNOWS THAT THEY HAVE MY ANNOTATED COPY OF HAMLET

EUGENE PLS TELL HIM TO BRING IT BACK

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

there might be a SLIGHT PROBLEM WITH THAT

bong

????

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

-_-

Nuru

get to the point fiztherbert

oh shit wait

WAIT

yong did u text hugo

agent of chaos

wait what

nohairdontcare

Yong you have Hugo’s contact info?? Can you please give it to me

lance deltarune

if this is going where I think it is…

Nuru

JESUS EUGENE IS HUGO THERE

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

HOW did you KNOW

yeah he is

Nuru

oh my god whats happening

i want a play by play fiztherbert

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

they're just talking

??

varian doesn’t even look mad…

last time i MENTIONED his shitty ex he had a meltdown

why is he…

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

uh they’ve stopped in front of another exhibit

Nuru

WHAT EXHIBIT

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

idk just another exhibit!!

wait

varian stopped by that one earlier

he acted like

really WEIRD about it too

wizards of waverly place

omg

nuru

oh god oh FUCK guysi ts HAPPENING

yong

HEEERE IT COOOMES.jpg

agent of chaos

is someone going to give context or am I going to have to go back to watching real housewives compilations for entertainment tonight

nuru

laksdjfasdf

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nuru

i may or may not have found this

during caitlyns and my terrible museum experience last week

nohairdontcare

WHAAAAT

HUGO WROTE THAT???

agent of chaos

damn I thought I was gay

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

WHAT THE FUCK

god fucking dammit varians taking that boy home tonight isnt he

nuru

Yes

wizards of waverly place

Yep

bong

sorry eugene not only are u gonna have a vampire in law but now u have intimate knowledge of ur vampire in laws specific sexual tastes

Kiera

none of those words are in fortnite

———

Varian was fifteen minutes and thirty-nine seconds into what was simultaneously the coolest and stupidest museum heist of his vampiric career, when his bluetooth earbud cut out, disrupting the orchestrated cover of The Pink Panther Theme.

 He tapped it. Once twice. Pulled it out and rotated it between his two fingers for good measure. Put it back in.

Static.

“Eugene,” he hissed.

The man in question stumbled slightly from where he was gazing resolutely at a piece of pottery. “What,” he hissed back. The back of his neck was red. “I don’t care how much you have to carry, I’m not coming over and looking.”

“I—no, listen, my electronics just cut out.”

Eugene glanced over. “What?”

“Something’s disrupting—”

A shadow over in the hallway, leading toward one of the poetry/literature collections. Eugene and Varian exchanged a glance and wordlessly slipped in that direction.

Nothing. Not a sound or sight to be heard or seen.

But there was a weird scent in the air. Something that stung behind Varian’s eyes and made him feel very…peculiar.

Eugene sighed and shook his head. “Let’s just get your weird shit and get out of here.” He turned back toward the other exhibit. Varian began to follow him. “The sooner we can leave the sooner—”

He almost misses it. The museum lights are turned off, but there’s a dim back-light on a few of the exhibits—specifically some of the ones behind glass. To preserve them, Varian assumes, but he also doesn’t know anything about art restoration.

The thing in particular the catches his eye, only does because there’s a shine on the glass that has him blinking in annoyance. And then he sees it.

For my dark haired lover, the manuscript reads.

And Varian’s heart pounded like it did when he was alive.

The book—if it can be called one—is only a few pages long and open to the center, displaying only two, side by side. The handwriting is devastatingly familiar. A sprawling cursive that singlehandedly carried Varian through two plagues and a war centuries ago. His response to it is embarrassingly pavlovian, pants suddenly feeling uncomfortably tight.

But the words here are far from the filthy, playful prose that used to greet Varian’s eyes.

“…and in the moonlight, your skin a canvas; stars blooming across pale skies baring dark constellations that my lips follow. It is the pull of an oceans tide; the scent of a summers flower.

  “And how could I speak of my love? Wider than the violet sky, boundless as the snow capped mountains. I am not a poet, my attempts fall short. But yes. Yes, I loved you and I love you still. And yet you are not here. And yet and yet and yet.  

“And yet I still yearn.”  

“Hugo, you gay fuck,” Varian breathed, distantly aware that there were tears drying on his cheeks.

Fuck. Fuck.

“Varian?” Eugene’s voice seemed far off. “Kid, we have, like, five minute before the guard wakes up. We should probably—”

“Right.” Right. “I’m coming.”

———

 Hugo was having an odd weekend.

It started with those concert tickets. The free ones that came in the mail. Which was weird enough, because like, Hugo did not sign up for a raffle that gave out concert tickets somewhere in London, but also he wasn’t going to turn free tickets down.

So here he was, in Europe, for the first time in a century? Or so?

It was weird.

Especially without Varian.

But then Yong—sweet! Adorable child!—texted him for the first time since they accidentally started a riot on Caine’s Minecraft Server last month with some very VERY concerning screenshots of STOLEN HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN HUGO’S HOUSE.

This is truly what he gets for abandoning his mansion in Venice in a flurry of gay, depressed panic and moving his ass to America.

Which turned out to be a huge mistake, but Varian got Europe in the divorce and by the time airplanes had been invented and international travel was easy, Hugo had a pretty good thing going.

Until, of course, he realized that his private business had been stolen by England again.

 So. Museum heist.

And it was all going according to plan to! Maybe a little too according to plan, with the strange lack of security guards pilfering around, but Hugo wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

But then it stopped going according to plan when Hugo very abruptly realized that he was not alone in the museum. And by not alone, he, of course, meant that there were two other stooges here for a little night heist.

Two very familiar smelling someones.

“Jesus Christ,” Hugo hissed, ducking behind a naked sculpture of someone who looked pretty familiar. (Hugo never forgot an ass.) “Jesus CHRIST.”

Varian. Varian of all people, was walking around the room, eyes squinting in the dark—why? Vampires have NIGHT VISION??—and scowling at nothing in particular.

Eugene Fiztwhatever skidded into a hallway, leaving Varian alone for a minute.

And then things got weirder because Varian suddenly became very, concernedly still. And trust Hugo, he knew how hard it was to keep the tiny vampire still. It had been great fun, actually, once they’d begun experimenting with ropes and—

“Hugo, you gay fuck,” Varian breathed and if Hugo’s body parts were still functioning like they used to when he was alive he would have probably pissed himself in terror.

Since when could Varian read minds?! 

Eugene said something over his shoulder and then Varian was leaving. Which.

What.

Hugo quietly tip-toed his way toward whatever the fuck shorty had been checking out, like it held the secrets to whatever the fuck just—

Oh.

Oh.

“Oh SHIT,” Hugo shrieked.

A crash from the other room followed by two distinct yelps. Eugene crashed from around the corner, fangs out, eyes red and—

“Oh my god, Hugo?!” Varian whisper shouted, one hand grabbing Eugene’s shoulder. “Fangs in, fangs in!”

Eugene pulled his fangs in. His eyes still gleamed an ominous red. “What are you doing here?” he demanded, hands on his hips.

“Funny, I was about to ask you the same question.”

“We’re here to steal back the PORNOGRAPHY of my vampire SON that you SPREAD ALL OVER THE PLANET.”

“I’m not your son! We are literally the same age!” Varian hissed, like that was what was important here. Eugene shared an almost commiserating look with Hugo before patting Varian on the head.

“Wait YOU SAW IT?”

“Yeah, and HALF THE PLANET!”

“Oh for fucksake,” Varian growled. “Eugene, just…go watch for the guard. I need to talk to Hugo.”

“But—”

“NOW.”

Eugene gave Hugo a suspicious glare, before turning on one heel and walking across the room. He pulled out his phone and began rapidly texting.

Which was very strange to see, because last time Hugo saw Eugene he had been wearing the height of Edwardian fashion, frills and all.

Varian turned back to Hugo and…his face softened.

Jesus, Hugo was starting to remember, like an ember slowly breathed back to life, how much he had missed that stupid face.

“Hugo,” Varian said, and even his voice sounded soft. “You’re here,” he breathed.

Hugo shrugged, trying for nonchalant. “Well, you know. Can’t let the details of how I besmirched your virtue in every century get plastered everywhere.”

A twitch of the lips and fuuck now Hugo was staring at Varian’s lips. “I seem to remember you were into exhibition,” Varian fired back, crowding into Hugo’s space.

“Like you weren’t egging me on every step of the way.”

“Your face was begging for it.”

“You were begging for it.”

“Yeah, I was.” Varian’s face did something complicated. He looked…self assured. Cocky.

Hugo liked it. Hugo liked it a lot.

“I need to ask you something.” Varian seemingly steeled himself. “Something important.”

“Okay.” Hugo rolled the word across his tongue. “What’s on your mind?” Besides stealing our nudes back from the British.”

And then Varian’s hand, calloused and slender, is wrapped around Hugo’s wrist and dragged him across the room, toward—

For my dark haired lover, the title reads, and Hugo’s stomach dropped. 

Right, he remembered. Varian had seen.

A fourteen page letter, written from the bottom of a wine bottle at the end of an empty night, shut away in the bottom of a chest somewhere in Hugo’s old house, centuries ago. He’d forgotten—he’d forgotten. They were words never intended for others to see—paragraphs upon paragraph of prose that a sober Hugo would have never dared to conceptualize, detailing the great fall; an Icarus cast out of the sky, wings melting on the heated memories of summers before.

Hugo’s goddamn drunken love letter was on display in a museum.

“Son of a—”

“Did you mean it?” Varian interrupted, before Hugo could dissolve into profanity that would have Eugene’s virginal, puritan sensibilities in a tizzy over. Varian’s hands tightened around Hugo’s wrists, reminding him that beneath his delicate features, strength burns.

“I—” He didn’t have words.

Varian’s eyes clouded. Lips pulled together. He looked hopeful. He looked devastated.

“Hugo,” he repeated, slowly. “Do you mean it?”

“Yes.” And it was like thunder breaking across the clouds, loud and terrifying. One word, and Hugo was at Varian’s mercy.

He’d alway been at Varian’s mercy, but now the other man knew it.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Hugo’s glared. “You were the one that left!”

“And I waited for you for six hours at the dock, waiting for you to come after me!” Varian looked indignant. “You never came.”

“You waited six hours?” The thought of Varian alone, waiting for someone who was never going to come, did something horrible and wretched to Hugo’s borrowed heart.

“In the rain,” Varian confirmed, the final nail in the proverbial coffin. “I thought you were—I hoped—I mean we fought all the time.” A step closer. Fingers tightened.

“And now?” Hugo turned his hands over. Finger slide against Varian’s skin as a pair of hands opened to receive his. “Are you still waiting?”

“Depends.” Breath over Hugo’s cheekbone as Varian tilted his head back. They’re so close Hugo could make out the tiny flecks of green dabbling blue iris. “Are you coming after me?”

“Well, you’re definitely coming first toni—mfphm—” 

It was more fang and teeth at first, scraping against Hugo’s bottom lip and gnashing against his gums, until he let go of Varian’s wrists to cradle his face. He tilted him just so and deepened the kiss. And like a memory of a dream that slipped away from you at dawn, he felt Varian’s body settle against his.

It was silent in the museum for a while, except for the ragged breathing and bitten off moans.

“Hi,” Varian said, when they pulled away, looking suddenly shy.

Hugo laughed, feeling a bit nervous himself. “Hello.” He grinned. “I hope you’re taking me home tonight.”

“I have to steal our porn back first.”

“Oh shit, I forgot about that.” Hugo glanced over Varian’s shoulder, coming face to face with… “Dude, why the fuck are you filming us.”

Varian squawked indignantly in Hugo’s arms, turning slightly to make judgemental eyes at Eugene. “Delete that!”

“It’s for the groupchat!”

“What groupchat?!” Hugo shrieked. “Put that away!”

“And you were kinkshaming ME.”

Hugo blinked. “Wait, what? Wait, who else saw our letters.”

Server: Get UnDead  

Everyone is online  

#gen  

STOP CALLING ME HORACE

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nohairdontcare

Awww!!! <3 <3 <3

Kiera

Finally lmao

nuwu

YES

bong

rip an*e r*ce she woulda loved this

wizards of waverly place

whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout.jpg