Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

One day Kokichi went home from school taking the usual route. The veins from the leaves in the trees were shaky green and the pavement beneath his dogs was sparkling asphalt that wore a coat of oily iridescent morning dew. Yes. Today was the day he would-

But he couldn't finish the thought, since it were a raven in the tree up above, its articulator clacking such wary notes:

"o' shiny purple one," it screeched from the highlands o'er 5 foot above, "what haveth ye gotten in thy dandy clasper?"

Kokichi could only glaze up the tree with squinched peepers, and whilst rummaging through his thoughts for his torn copy of No Fear Shakespeare for a translation, he stumbled upon a remark: "What creature art thou that, thus so broad in day's light, so stumblest on my pincer?"

"You are a saucy boy. Is 't so, indeed? All sass and no class!"

Kokichi stuck out his tongue at the conniving avian. He went on his way. The sound of the flustered bird could be heard in the not-so-far distance of 152.4 cm so precisely, "Beware'st the Green Box!"

But Kokichi was far off from the bird by that point, so it was needless to carry on with such gangling pish-posh natter yapping. Besides, back in his day he'd amassed quite a gaggle of many a green box so why would it raise a concern now of all times? Eh, it was best to shake it off. (read in togami's matter-of-fact voice:) Shake it off, shake it off.

Not that Kokichi listened to what the birdous fiend had muttered earlier, except for its incessant "Nevermoe, nevermoe" crap.

~

Kokichi was rounding off the curb when he spotted a swamp-colored box. He looked frontwards then backwards then sidewards, then Arabian flipped unto his secret hidey hole behind the McDonald's graffitied dumpster.

It appeared to be a Shrekified Kid Cuisine™. Limited edition! Shrek shaped breaded white meat chicken patties with rib meat. Macaroni & cheese sauce. Corn. Vanilla swamp pudding with bug & dirt sprinkles. Good source of 6 vitamins and minerals. Easily anyone's favorite meal. Teru Teru was practically quaking! Now, to find the box opener...Kokichi rummaged in his pockets for his BusyPet Kawaii Box Cutter Cute Box Cutter™, but to no avail.

He rotated the blue box of JKLM on the graph 137 degrees counterclockwise about the origin, with respect to the crooked errors of human ways. Even Kokichi knew boxes weren't perfect. And neither was the surprise he was about to uncover-

There sat the green box. A mind-conjoggling feeling wet washed Kokichi's face, causing him to slurve the box and its plastic-lined contents up into the air--not even the likes of which Leon Kuwata could dream to pitch.

Curséd! Curséd, I say! Kokichi found his mouth speaking on its own. He tried to run from the green box, but a bright green light engulfed the tiny panta goblin, and all he could see was the crunchy sparkles of the nether for about 76.43 seconds until he was spewed out into a new dimension.

~

When he awakened, he found himself a'tangled in streamers shaped like chicken that was pulled apart--wait so it was! Kokichi found himself entangled in a clog of Shrekified nuggets! Kinda like when you pull all that hair that's been stopping up the shower drain for a solid month bc u forgot about it since ur blind and cant wear glasses in the shower. But made of chicken. and very lukewarm. Like at a perfect 72 degrees Fahrenheit. He tried squirming out of it, but it was fruitile. He had no choice but to eat his way out. And so our young hero tried to take nibbles of the nuggily-knitted sweater…

But each strand of the pull-apart chicken by-product he bit off grew two more with replacement--like some sort of endless statistics math problem on pearson.com (not sponsored)!! How could he compete? Why, he had a quest to fulfill prior to this predicament but this only hindered his movement, rendering it to that of a floppy waffle, the likes of which has been a dead meme, no less! How socially ostracising!

Kokichi knew he had to do something right away! So, he gathered up his leg segments and Arabian flipped to the best of his ability to Shuichi's house. Yeah! Shuichi'd know just what to do in a time of crisis, which more often than not, Kokichi would find Shuichi in... but that didn't matter! Detectives were smart because they used magnifying glasses, which can burn off rubbery chicken by-products!

Kokichi had to lug his dead weight up three flights of stairs to get to his golden ticket. So when Kokichi finally slugged his body against Shuichi's apartment door three times, someone opened the door. KAITO?! ABORT- I REPEAT, ABORT THE MISSION!

"Kokichi why the fuck are you screaming?!" Kaito opened the door to a crack, showering kokichi with a demeaning stare. It was now or never. Kokichi just had to coax kaito into letting him inside the apartment.

Chapter Text

"WHERE IS SHUICHI, YOU MARVIN MARTIAN BUZZ LIGHTYEAR RIPOFF-" Kokichi resisted every urge to curse the beloved-by-all astronaut-in-training, but his tongue spoke merely of its own volition.

"So you come to our apartment to insult me? Fowl play-" OUR apartment?? Kokichi thought shuichi was already married to some other jerk. Wow, he really needed kokichi’s guidance, but now wasn’t the time to sign up for non-consensual couple’s therapy.

Just as Kaito began shutting the door, Kokichi slithered ambiguously into the door crack. "OH, CLUCK OFF, MOMOTA! As you can see, I'm all tied up. It's quite veggxing...! Besides, what are you doing in Shuichi's flat?"

"I'm his roommate! What do you need, anyway?" Kaito squinted suspiciously at Kokichi.

"Well, in case you didn't know..." Kokichi cleared his throat menacingly, "I need Shuichi's magnifying glass to burn this nuggy snuggy off my body."

"Well, in order to do that, you must first obtain a detective license. Y'know, a PI license. Everyone knows you can’t just run around with fancy-high tech detective’s equipment without some sort of ID."

"Then how do I obtain such an achievement?"

"Well, first you must be at least 18..."

"Uhh... sure!" Kokichi was totally over the age of 18 at this point in time. To prove it, his license was in horizontal orientation! Well, at least it was forged to be that way…

"Ok, then you need to take an exam-"

"EXAM?! Don't you…” Kokichi lowered his voice, “...know a guy?" What kind of honkin clownery…? Kokichi knew even kaito wasnt above cheating, so why was he suggesting such an elusive task?

"You mean Kazuichi? eh, but you can't get that outta me for cheap."

kokichi bet kaito just took sick pleasure in seeing kokichi unable to use his arms. Being able to perpetually do “the worm” as the kids say is actually pretty tiring after a bit. Your stomach muscles get tired, but at least you get a 6 pack in the process.

He scowled a deep twisty look up at Kaito, who held his hand out for a stick of gum. Kaito knew Kokichi had no access to his pockets at such a dire time. Nor did he have a quarter to obtain such a commodity. A stick of the finest Spearmint Wrigley's Extra? Nah, he was undeserving of such luxury; what kind of man did Kaito take him for? BUT THERE WAS NO TIME TO LOSE! KOKICHI HAD A GUMBALL MACHINE TO FIND!

Kokichi barrel-rolled down the flight of stairs at Mach one, gaining traction, and not missing a beat.

He came upon a rusty old gumball machine in desperate need of tlc (tenderloins with a side of chips). "To whom it may concern: Mister or Mistress gumball machine!" Kokichi's voice boomed, "I DEMAND you had over a gumball to the Ultimate Supreme Leader™!!"

The gumball machine was shocked into a state of lacking predetermining sentencing ability!

"PHEASANT, I NEED YOUR HELP! WITHOUT YOU, KAITO WONT GET HIS PAY, KAITO'S FRIEND WONT CERTIFY ME A PI, PI LICENCE WONT LET ME HAVE SHUICHI'S MAGNIFYING GLASS, MAGNIFYING GLASS WONT BURN OFF SUCCULENT NUGGY MEMBRANE!"

The gumball machine sat there, its metal mouth flap fallen shut. OH, SO THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GONNA PLAY IT. Kokichi's inner voice screamed. Kokichi called the gumball machine a prodigal fishbowl head lookin ass. It wasn't very effective. Kokichi stared a good long while at the machine. It infuriated him how people could just not ever talk back to him, he of all people--the supreme ruler, no less! >:(

So Kokichi caterpillared to Ryoma's house. He knew Ryoma had a fish tank that could rust that codforsaken gumball machine.

"HELP, HELP, RYOMA'S FISH TANK! I NEED YOUR WATER TO SLOSHEL AGAINST THE METAL OF AN EVIL GUMBALL MACHINE! GUMBALL MACHINE WON'T GIVE ME THE SPHERICAL CURRENCY, KAITO WON'T GET HIS PAY, KAITO'S FRIEND WON'T CERTIFY ME A PI, PI LICENCE WON'T LET ME HAVE SHUICHI'S MAGNIFYING GLASS, MAGNIFYING GLASS WON'T BURN OFF SUCCULENT NUGGY MEMBRANE!"

But the shaDy shoal of Amazonian fish that resided in the tank glared at Kokichi like some kind of specifin. Kokichi rolled his oculi. "that’s FINE, I don’t NEED your KELP ANYway!"

Kokichi knew that if he couldn't get a tank to water the grumpy gumball machine, then he had to go bigger. Think larger. He nibbled at the sun-fried chicken rope deep in thought. Its taste was characteristic of Sonic chicken tenders because it had the charm of food left in the car for three consecutive days when someone forgot to take it in. It reminded him of home. He twisted his body around to shake any bonus fries loose that may have been hiding under the grease-laden yet moisturizing cocoon.

Ok. With his snack-o-meter replenished, Kokichi saw himself back in the game! He called out with every bit of strength he could muster:

"HELP, AMAZONIAN FISH FRIENDS! I NEED YOU TO DIRTY THE FISH TANK SO THAT IT WILL MOST DEFINITELY HAVE TO BE EMPTIED OUT!"

The piranhas didn't even spare Kokichi a passing glance this time. How disrespectful they were to the ULtimate Supreme liter! Kokichi clarified: "FISHIES, THE TANK WON’T GIVE ME WATER, WATER CANT RUST GUMBALL MACHINE, GUMBALL MACHINE WON’T GIVE ME CURRENCY, KAITO WON’T GET HIS PAY...."

Kokichi was nearly out of breath. Maybe it was the strain of the fibrous chicken tender straightjacket, or perhaps his exasperation of running into more obstacles than solutions...but he wasn't really getting anywhere on his own. Especially not with such the disrespectful crowd he had encountered thus far.

But kokichi couldn't just give up yet!