Archive of Our Own ^beta

Vi shouldered her way through the front door of the apartment, kicking the slush off her boots and wiping the treads on the dingy mat of the front entrance. She bent to unlace and remove them and caught a whiff of sweat and oil, leftovers from her shitty fry cook job.

Even the outside wind and cold hadn’t been enough to erase the grease that had somehow permeated its way into her hair, plastered itself onto her skin. But she wasn’t planning on showering tonight. She was too tired for that.

The light was off and Vi left it that way as she slid on sock feet past the tiny kitchen. An assortment of dirty dishes lay at the bottom of the sink. It’d been empty that morning and a part of Vi was trying to register the change as good. Maybe it would have, some other day. But her eyes passed over the detail, indifferent. She noticed, in the same removed way, that the broken glass seemed to have been swept up from the floor. Still, Vi pussyfooted in the direction of her room, just in case she stepped on a wayward sliver.

She passed the door of Powder’s room, pausing just long enough to know that she wasn’t up. If it had been one of those rare good days, Vi might’ve knocked to announce her arrival. But after the morning they’d had, she continued the short distance to her room without stopping.

She just wanted to be alone.

The dark journey down the hall made her feel floaty and invisible, a relief after her hectic day. She ran a finger over the smooth hilt of the knife on her belt, rubbing at it for absentminded comfort.

She reached her room and snapped her bedside lamp on. Then she emptied her pockets, dumping her wallet and keys onto the table. She unclipped her knife and stashed it away in the far reaches of her top drawer. The closest to undressed she was going to get was flinging her coat at the hook attached to her bedroom door. It landed the jump and swung like a hinge as Vi, with unwashed face and unbrushed teeth, plummeted face first into bed.

She lay in her grimy clothes and drifted between sleep, enjoying the feeling of floating through nothingness.

Lately, she’d been wishing more and more that she could stay there. Her day to day routine had become too unbearable. Her less than engaging job and her never ending contention with Powder was stacking up and her only respite was the comforting nonexistence she found in the space between waking and true sleep.

It’s not like I wanna off myself, Vi would reason to herself as she got ready for work every morning. I just don’t want to exist sometimes. There was a difference.

Besides, she would never be able to leave Powder like that.

Not unless she took her with her.

Vi snorted in her half sleep. The thought wasn’t a new one and it wasn’t even the most alarming.

The worst was that she didn’t think she liked her sister anymore.

The realization should have disturbed her, but she was surprisingly okay with it, content to let the truth wash over her like unfeeling light. Feeling nothing at all was preferable to the way Powder kept hurting her. And it had turned into quite the addiction. She would’ve kept her lamp on all night if she didn’t have an electric bill to worry about.

Squinting in the light, Vi reached up to turn it off. But before she could twist the switch, a faint tapping came from the other side of her door.

She froze and seriously considered ignoring it. But she couldn’t very well do that. Her light was on and she didn’t have a ready excuse. But she also really didn’t want to deal with whatever Powder had going on right then. One fight a day was all she could take, as of late.

She stumbled out of bed and made for the door, wiping a strand of drool away with the back of her hand and flattening her bed head with the other. She’d been on the edge of sleep and waking up was almost painful. It hurt being the ever responsible big sister.

Vi opened the door and Powder stood there in the dark, looking awful and upset and so very sorry in her oversized sleeping shirt. She, at least, had changed properly for bed. Her fretful hands clung to fistfuls of the billowing fabric.

“Hi.” She said in a stuffy voice.

It was obvious to Vi that she’d been crying but that didn’t bother her too much, she observed in the same disconnected way as earlier. She’d take a crying Powder over a yelling one any day.

“Hey.” Vi replied, leaning up against the doorframe and blinking heavily. She was having a hard time keeping her eyes open, something Powder was sure to notice.

Powder looked down with a penitent bow of her head. “I’m sorry about today.”

Vi looked away and stuffed her hands in her pockets. “It’s okay.” She said, even though it wasn’t. Better to get the apology over with so she could go back to what she was doing before. But when her voice came out flat and inflectionless, Powder lifted her gaze.

Her bottom lip trembled and her eyes flooded with tears anew. Vi’s eyes were watering too. From the yawn she willed herself to suppress.

“Really I am, Vi. I just—” She let go of her shirt and grabbed at the next nearest thing: one of her long, trailing braids. She twisted it in her hands until it became a messy tangle as she continued in a wavering voice. “Sometimes I just don’t know what’s real anymore and it feels like everyone’s trying to come after me. The doctors, you. I don’t mean to. I don’t know how to stop it and I—”

Powder slumped against the wall as if her strength had escaped her, her hands over her face and her shoulders shaking with sobs.

“And I know that you hate me right now.”

Vi let herself look at her sister. They’d been through this so many times and she’d long resolved to close her heart to her. It wasn’t fun being called a liar and a killer almost every day and she had to protect herself. The walls she’d built up, which had shielded her from the worst insults, had left her cold and aloof. But Powder’s break down was affecting her all the same.

She kneaded a sore muscle at the back of her neck then reluctantly reached out and patted Powder’s trembling shoulder.

“Come on, I don’t hate you. I’m just tired, that’s all.”

And if I’m tired, then you’re exhausted.

Vi wasn’t allowed to be selfish and just take care of herself. Powder had to come first. They were all each other had. If Powder couldn’t rely on Vi, then she had nobody.

Vi’s touch seemed to revitalize Powder a little. She peeked out from behind her hands and snivelled wetly. She looked at Vi’s hand on her shoulder as if she’d never seen it before and Vi couldn’t blame her.

“I know you probably don’t want to, but—” Powder asked, her tone already defeated. “Could I sleep with you tonight?”

I should say ‘no’.

But Vi just couldn’t. Even though it went against every rule she’d put in place to keep her heart guarded and safe.

“Yeah, sure.” Vi said, taking pity on her. She ushered her in with a hand on her back. After shutting the door behind them, she guided Powder to her bed and pulled down the covers for her to crawl into. Vi followed suit and lay down beside her, making sure to leave a good couple inches between the two of them.

Vi watched Powder from her peripherals. Her sister adjusted the covers until they were tucked under her chin and then they lay in silence for a while, long enough for Vi to realize that the light was still on.

And as she was about to stretch out and finally turn the lamp off, she noticed Powder make a similar reaching motion out of the corner of her eye. Vi turned to her and Powder stopped short, pulling her hand back, a pained, shy look on her face.

“What?” Vi asked.

“Can you maybe—” Powder asked in the same crushed tone as before, like she was destined for rejection. “Hold me for a while? Or something?”

And Vi heard herself saying, “Yeah. Yeah, I can do that for you” as she spread out her arms in welcome. Powder didn’t even hesitate as she accepted the invitation, tucking her head on Vi’s shoulder, her hair tickling her chin. It was like their bodies were unaware of their conflict, relying on muscle memory even if Vi herself wanted to keep her distance. They hadn’t touched like this in ages and it was taking Vi some getting used to, the walls she’d erected having put a stop to their usual intimacy long ago. Not that Powder was throwing herself at her either. The meds that Vi so desperately begged her to take regularly were known to mess with her sister’s libido. Needless to say, it’d been months since they’d shared a bed and Vi couldn’t remember a single detail about the last time it happened.

She stroked Powder’s arm in an attempt to quell her own nerves and wondered what was going to happen next. Powder saved her from talking first.

“How was your day?” She asked.

Vi couldn’t bear to give her a lame answer like, “Fine” so, even though it’d happened yesterday, she lifted her hand to show her the smooth bubble on her thumb.

“I burned myself.”

Pain was a normal part of the job and Vi had been through her fair share, but this one had been a doozy.

She tried to keep extreme emotion to a minimum if she could help it. When one would escape her careful control, the rest would inevitably follow. Whether it be pain, sadness, anger, or even joy, she wanted to keep clear of them all.

She’d spent the better part of her breaks in front of the sink, blasting cold water on the wound. It’d grown big and fat with fluid and Vi intended to leave it intact for as long as possible. She’d even kept her cool that morning during the fight, letting her hands hang unclenched and limp at her sides.

Powder winced sympathetically. “Does it hurt?”

“No,” Vi said. “I don’t feel anything.” And Vi loved it for it.

“Are you gonna pop it?” Powder’s hand surfaced from the covers and gently prodded the perfect bubble. “Let all the liquid out?”

Vi allowed the touch and said, “No, it’s not worth the pain. It’s best to leave it alone.”

“Oh.” Powder said. Then she brought it closer and kissed it and Vi almost pushed her thumb into her mouth. Instead, she kept still and asked, “How did your day go?”

Silence. And then, “Badly.”

“I saw that you ate dinner.” Vi said, trying to keep up the small slice of peace they’d established. Despite herself, she wanted it to last a little longer. “That’s really good, Powder.”

“I just thought about our fight all day.” Vi’s neck suddenly became wet and stung with salty tears. She wanted to scratch at it. “I’m sorry, Vi.”

The fight, like so many others, had consisted of Vi pleading with her sister to take her medication. And like the many times before, it ended quickly with Powder accusing Vi of trying to feed her poison. Her doctor was trying to kill her and Vi was in on it. Vi had pushed further, sometimes she was able to convince her. But Powder had smashed the glass of water Vi held out to her on the floor. Vi had stared, her insides welling up with a fresh dose of numbness. “Dinner’s in the fridge.” She’d said, leaving Powder to stand alone among the broken shards as she headed to work.

Vi should have been used to it by now, but it was starting to wear her down. She hadn’t meant to turn cold, she just couldn’t afford to hope anymore. Why had life given her perfect sister a problem that Vi couldn’t fix?

She hugged Powder tighter as her throat bobbed. “Oh, Powder baby, it’s going to be okay.” The old pet name rose to her lips without her permission, like she was on autopilot. She tentatively pressed on.

“But if you don’t take your meds, we won’t know if they’re working or not. I know it feels bad but you need to try harder. This constant on and off isn’t good for you. We need to be together on this. I’ll do better too, God knows I haven’t been the best support lately and what excuse do I have, huh?”

Powder nodded into her neck and seemed to let out a held breath, “Okay.”

“I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere.”

A second, grey voice in Vi’s head, one other than her own, was telling her to ignore the fledgling hope blooming in her chest, the belief that things could actually change. Staying on the cool, smooth path of nothingness was easier. Vi couldn’t get hurt there.

But the voice drowned out to a wispy vapour.

Because Powder was looking up at her in a way she hadn’t in months.

Vi knew that look.

Was there any stronger drug than hope?

Powder’s eyes flickered from Vi’s, then down to her lips and before Vi could think better of it, she rolled on top of her sister, pinning her down to the mattress the way she used to like. And guessing by the way Powder reached up to capture Vi’s lips with her own, she still did.

Vi returned the kiss with equal pressure and fervour at first, but soon dialled it down, taking it slow and soft. I’ve missed this.

She was still dead tired, so much so that she rested her whole weight on her sister, letting her eyes fall shut as her mouth drifted from full lips to soft cheeks to a sharp jaw and bony clavicle. A calm came over her as she explored Powder’s body, like she was asleep but not alone, for once.

“I feel like I’m dreaming, Powder.”

“Pssh.” Powder snorted tearfully. “More like a nightmare, I bet.”

Vi laughed at that, shaking her head. Then Powder reached for her again, bringing her back to her so she could give Vi her tongue and fondle her muscular back underneath her shirt. And suddenly, their closeness wasn’t close enough anymore.

Vi pulled away and Powder whimpered her disappointment, but quickly recovered once she saw Vi whip off her shirt. She raised her arms in compliance when Vi reached for her own baggy top, adding it to the growing pile on the floor and leaving her in nothing but a scant pair of pink panties.

Then Vi was back on her, relishing in the skin on skin contact that she’d so been missing. Her mad need overflowed as she stroked and caressed every revealed stretch of Powder, giving her nipples harsh sucks and palming the ever so soft skin of her inner thighs. Always, Powder took her by the hair or ears and forced their heated faces back together. Their joined efforts were becoming more and more sloppy and uncoordinated and Vi heaved a hard sigh as she backed off for a much needed breath.

“You’re kissing me really good right now.” She mumbled as she grazed Powder’s seeking lips. “Who taught you that, hmm?”

“You did.” Her sister answered without a hint of levity, then she lowered her voice almost to a whisper and squeezed her eyes closed in anxiety. “I’ve been having a hard time getting wet lately and I don’t know if I can— you know. The pills, they—”

Vi shushed her. “It doesn’t have to be about that. You just relax and let me take care of you.”

Honestly, Vi would’ve been content to stay their erotic course, even if it meant ending the night with naught but a drowsy, shirtless cuddle session.

But Powder expected to get fucked and it made Vi realize she wanted it too.

She tugged Powder’s last article of clothing off, allowing herself an indulgent inhale of her scent. Out of everything she’d missed about her sister, the smell of her pussy had to be number one, even if it wasn’t as wet as Powder would have liked.

This, at least, was a problem Vi could solve. She reached into the bottom drawer of her beside table to retrieve a canister of lube. She removed a sticky glob of the stuff and worked it in her hands to warm it up. It was thick and opaque and Powder groaned when she finally palmed her pussy, rubbing it along her folds and kissing her until Powder flung an arm over her eyes in an attempt to escape. But she stayed connected by keeping a firm grip on Vi’s wrist as she dipped a finger or two in her hole, making sure she’d be ready for her.

That tight grip made Vi want to fuck her hard. It made her want to make love to her with her whole body.

“Do you want the strap, Powder?” Vi asked as she kept up the caressing of her sister’s thighs, holding her open. Then, leaning closer to nose the sweaty hair behind her ear, in a lower voice, “You want my dick?”

Powder came out of hiding and nodded.

Vi pressed, “Say it.”

“I want it, Vi.” She insisted. “You can use me however you want.”

Sickly satisfied, Vi reached into the same drawer and pulled out her cock and harness. She hastily removed her work pants and as she adjusted the belts and clips, Powder shifted onto her stomach, pushing her ass in the air in offering to her. Vi’s chest tightened at the sight.

After straddling Powder’s legs, Vi spread more of the sticky lube on her cock. She wiped the excess on Powder’s ass and took the time to feel her up, to grope and squeeze her soft flesh. She gave her asshole a few rubs with her burned thumb, watching in fascination as the welt disappeared and reappeared again and again. Powder sighed with languid ease, her head resting on her folded arms and Vi couldn’t remember feeling so good.

Then, securing an anchored grip on her hip, Vi pushed her dick in Powder’s wet pocket of a pussy.

With everything so slick and the room so quiet, Vi could clearly hear the sound of every meaty insertion. Her breathing came out ragged and after only a few pumps, she growled with arousal and leaned over to hold Powder from behind, her sweaty hair trailing over her back as she really let her have it.

This was the best she’d felt in months, just to be close to her sister, not fighting for once. But a nagging thought in the colorless expanse of the back of her mind was telling her that it would end eventually. Vi wanted to make it last as long as possible, but she was on the edge, grinding against the base of the strap on, egged on by Powder’s sweet sounds. She was enjoying it too and that’s all that mattered. Giving Powder pleasure fulfilled Vi in ways she couldn’t put into words.

“Vi!” Powder arched into her with a stuttering cry. “Oh Vi, I’m happy.”

Vi released a gruff chuckle at that, “Me too, I’m happy too. Fuck, baby girl.”

Then the smile left her face as a terrible, tempting thought occurred to her, not for the first time.

If the two of them were to die right here and now, they’d die happy. There’d be no more fights, no more shitty days at work. Powder wouldn’t be in tormented pain anymore and Vi could finally ascend or descend into that waiting in-between of nothingness she’d grown so accustomed to. She could introduce Powder to it too. Maybe they’d even get to be together. It’d be quiet, an everlasting, permanent peace. Powder had even given her back to her, practically begging for it.

It was their fate to die like this.

The knife she carried to and from work was far away, in Vi’s top drawer. Their dangerous neighbourhood had been excuse enough to justify buying it and she’d stuck out the temptations so far. But her sick murder-suicide fantasies had been steaming on the back burner of her mind for too long.

Vi reached around to wrap a burly arm around Powder’s neck, to seemingly cradle it. She could snap it like a twig if she wanted to. She didn’t need a knife. She was hale and strong on her own and Powder would be powerless to stop her.

The knife was for after.

Vi held Powder as tight as she could while keeping up her thrusts. She positioned herself until Powder’s neck lay snug in the crook of her elbow.

Then she started to squeeze, not expecting the apparent ache in her sister’s shaking voice as she announced her impending orgasm.

“That’s it, tighter, harder! I’m so close Vi, please.”

And just like that, Vi’s murderous intentions were completely overridden by the need to finish her sister off.

A sudden rush of tears clouded her vision as she twisted around to kiss Powder’s face in secret apology. What had she been thinking? Even if it hurt, if it was nothing but painful, she wanted to live alongside her little sister. Cutting off her emotions had, in a way, been helpful. The grey nothingness had played its part but Vi was ready to feel again. If they could keep this up, life would get better, she just knew it. They just needed to love each other and take the good with the bad.

After a long, drawn out build up, Powder finally came with Vi following shortly behind.

Vi stayed inside her as they caught their collective breath, tasting the sweat of Powder’s marked neck. Then she pulled out with an audible pop, unbuckled and dumped the contraption on the floor to clean and put away later.

On her way back to bed, she yanked the cord of her bedside lamp out from the outlet on the wall, plunging them in decisive darkness.

Vi held Powder tightly in the dark, spooning her from behind as she panted and sighed.

“Everything will be different tomorrow, Powder. You’ll see.”

Powder didn’t say anything. She was already asleep, cupping Vi’s arms in her hands as if to tap out of a choke hold.

Vi awoke late the next morning, unable to remember if she worked that day or not. She stretched out on the mattress and found it empty.

Powder was gone and Vi noticed her shirt and underwear were missing from the floor as she got dressed in her own dirty clothes and made her way down the hall.

She was able to breathe a sigh of relief once she spotted Powder in the kitchen, standing at the counter with her back to her, dressed again.

Vi croaked a sleepy, “Hey” and brushed a hand across her shoulders, but when she leaned in to give her a good morning kiss, Powder shrugged her off and moved away. Trying not to feel hurt, Vi reached into the cupboard where they kept Powder’s medication.

“You feeling okay, Powder?” She set the orange container of pills on the counter, a feeling of dread filling her guts. It’ll be different, I know it will.

Powder scoffed, “Yeah, I feel wonderful. Perfect, actually.”

Vi winced. “Come on, remember what we talked about?” She gave the container a little shake but Powder wasn’t having it.

She rounded on Vi, getting in her face as Vi stood as still as she could.

“And I told you, I’m not taking that shit! Everything is the same.” She ran a frenetic claw of a hand through her hair, messing it up even more than their late night fucking had and for a second she looked terrified as her eyes darted to some far off corner of the room.

But then it was gone.

She moved in closer, almost coming nose to nose with Vi, who had resigned herself to staying put, a familiar, alluring emptiness hollowing her out.

“Liar.”

Vi watched her spin around and take off down the hall to her room. She couldn’t even be angry at herself, a part of her knew that this would happen.

Something dripped down her hand and when she lifted it, she found that the burn on her thumb had burst. Whether it happened right then or during the night, she didn’t know. She brought it to her mouth and licked the salty liquid away.

“Ah, well.” She said, reaching down to rub it against the hilt of her knife, not even surprised to find it there on her hip. She must have attached it to her belt out of habit.

Or maybe it was fate.

The loose flap of skin lifted along the edge of the hilt, stinging the bright, red flesh underneath as Vi followed after Powder to her room.

“There’s always tomorrow.”