Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Why am I so afraid to touch you? It’s all I want to do, everytime i see you it feels like I'm melting.

I know you don’t like me, I don't deserve your time, your attention, your affection, your right in feeling such a way.

I used to be on top of the world, I was the best there was out there! It was short lived, but…it was there. For once in my life I felt worth something. I thought that to achieve that I needed to beat you. To be better than you are, you were a global champion! Heh, what am i saying, you already are again, i was the person to cause the one and only dip in your career and you just build it right back up again.

I am so enamoured with you, you're so…perfect. You never fail to amaze me. Most stars fade, but in the thirty years you’ve been a racer your glow only gets bigger and bigger.

But it’s not just your achievements or your ability to rebound so fast that made me fall in love with; no, it’s your beauty. Much like your fame, your looks haven't gone away, somehow you look just the same as you did 13 years ago, the day your career started. That beautiful blonde hair, those dark brown eyes, that perfect waist; my racer magazines from high school and college would say that much alone; even your hands are so perfect despite spending so much time in leather gloves they never manage to start getting cut from sweat. Your especially stunning when your on the track, the only thing really making me push harder to get to the liner is driving past you; how calm you look even with that helmet on, the sweet but condescending smile you give me as you speed ahead me; as if you slowed down specifically just so you could do that, and i love it. Every second of it.

You're like the devil in disguise, you look like an angel; perfect in the image of god, but you can be so malicious … and i love it. It’s so small, the smiles, getting close to me and pretending to be my friend, the way you talk down to me in an argument, but in the most calm tone; like it’s no problem for you. Like it’s nothing at all!

As if my words don’t hurt you…

But they do.

The first day I met you, I remember exactly what I said.

You’d come to congratulate me on my win- I could see you were shaken though, and I felt grossly proud of myself. Part of me thought you were being condescending that way, but looking back now I knew you weren’t, you were being genuine; you really meant it.
When you jogged up to me, I felt my heart begin to pound. But I ignored it.

“Heyy, Jackson Storm, right? Great race today.” you said with a soft smile, walking beside me now. You were so close I could have touched you..

“Wow, thank you Mr.McQueen , you have no idea what a pleasure it is for me to finally beat you” I said with a small eye roll, and all the sarcastic undertones possible.

“Oh, thanks' ' you said with a small blush and a bit of a humble but casual eye roll. As if you’d heard it so many times it meant very little to you now. But then it dawned on you.

“Wait- “ you gave a small laugh “hang on, did you say meet or beat?” you had this smile on your face as if you thought you knew the answer was meet , it was cute, but you were wrong.

“I think you heard me,”I said with an unimpressed look. I was so cocky back then- a snob actually. How did I go from daydreaming about pinning you against the wall and ravishing every centimetre of your being, to wanting to ‘put you in your place,’ to top you in other senses. It was wrong- so very very wrong.

“...what?” you looked confused, but you kept your smile; it was fading though. Then someone called for pictures and i quickly put ona bubbly friendly act; it was so wrong; i was intentionally fucking with your head and i hated myself for it.

Nothing was worse though when you crashed only a few days later…

Everytime i look back on that day I have to pull myself out of thought; I hate it, I hate thinking about how I was then, it was cruel; and I can't help but cringe at myself.

To be perfectly honest? There’s nothing that scares me quite like failure. It’s not the idea of losing that frightens me; it's being forgotten, being alone, being looked down on, all of that. Maybe that’s why I don't care if you do those things to me; because the drama gives me more attention….at least I wish that was the case but it’s not the media, it’s just you.

You're the person I want attention from. You're the one I want to have their entire focus from.It’s selfish, i know, self absorbed, but it’s the only thing that matters to me now.

It was the middle of the night, not too early or late, the private gym was still open in the underneath the massive hotel all us racers were staying in; it was world tour at this point but I'm sure you knew that- what am I saying, of course you did! You were number 1 on the leaderboard right now.

Nobody else was there, and it was kind of dark. I liked it that way, there was a reason I had a gym built in my own home; it’s private and darker. All that lit up the room was the dark electric blue light from the pool, which shone through a glass block window; which was used to divide the room.

I thought I was fine, until you came in. i wasn’t expecting it, i’d just been in tights and a white shirt. But seeing you come in those little shorts and tight white singlet, I kind of felt like a teenager again. It didn’t help that my blood was already pumping, having been on the treadmill; I'd never reached for my jacket so fast…it was just a precaution.

It only got worse seeing you do your stretches, then the barbell hip thrust’s; oh god at that moment’s i really thought’s i was going to die of a nosebleed, like one of those stupid anime charecter’s or yaoi girl’s from anime. All i wanted to do was march over there, grab you by the hips and start fucking you; see how much your hips moved then, leg’s wide open into a split position.

I hadn’t realised at that point I was staring, nor did I realise you’d seen me. You were already sweating under the blue light, the bar over your hips, lifting with such ease. Your chest rising and falling slowly, knuckles turned white. You weren't even watching your hips, your head was rested to the side; your neck clearly sore. Even your hair was sticking to your face, you weren’t red though, but you did something i didn’t really expect you to do; it was so minor, i shouldn’t have noticed; and it probably wasn’t the smartest move on your part, but you opened your legs more. You weren’t hard, but I could see you were hard. The pants you wore were so short that if i looked at a particular angle then i might have been able to cop a quick glance at what was going on under there.

I felt like a pervert, and for a moment I hated it, until I heard you yelp. I hadn’t been looking anymore at that point but my head snapped around pretty quick. You’d put more weight onto the barbell, and realised you couldn’t lift it, you were stuck trying to pull it away from your pelvis.

I ran over quickly.

“Stop, stop, hang on. Don’t move yet, let me help you” I said, lifting the bar.
The look on your face as you saw me lift the whole thing was… a massive boost. I couldn’t have even imagined how it would look from your perspective, having me standing over you like that, holding the barbell like it was nothing, already sweating and calm as I could be there in that moment.

Heh, listen to me talking myself up.

I moved around you, putting it back up where it was meant to be, before leaning down against the seat, hand between your legs unintentionally, just taking a breath. Sure I'd been on the treadmill, but I hadn't run so fast before. I was only catching my breath, looking at the ground, then I felt a hand wrap around my wrist.

I looked up, to see you sitting incredibly close, staring right into my eyes.

“Hey…” is what you said, it was just the one word. I just stood there, staring at you. We were so close.
I should have walked away in that moment, but I didn't.

“Hey” I responded softly, your hand moved to my upper arm. It was so soft, it sent shivers up my spine. I could feel it sitting in the back of my neck, where it meets the spine, and it stayed there. I hadn’t realised my breathing had stopped, I was holding my breath.

You pulled on my arm a little bit, tugging me closer as our lips suddenly met.
My eye’s didn’t shut immediately, I was too busy processing, but they did eventually. My free hand moved from my hip to your leg, holding onto your thigh as I closed my eyes, leaning into you, slowly pushing you down so that you were laying on your back. I held onto the bar above our heads, right hand that had been on your thigh moving up your waist and under your shirt.

Your skin was so soft all over; I had never even imagined it would be. But the kisses were hard, it escalated so that I could feel our mouths actively gnashing against each other.

But it was like heaven.

When I finally pulled away I could see how red your cheeks and lips were, your lips were swollen, and I could see your chest moving up and down rapidly. It was a sight to be seen, but I moved down against you anyway. I had never been the patient type; all I wanted to do was devour you.

Your head cocked back suddenly, neck exposed as I grinded up against you; I quickly took the chance to start kissing on your neck. You tensed up with that, it was the best thing ever, making you tremble from the sensations.

My teenage dream was really being fulfilled right here, right now.

The moan that came out of your mouth only made me feel more confident- and turned on. I grinned a bit, humming a little, moving down to your chest

“Good boy~” I said, lifting your shirt over your chest.

You quickly looked down, a confused but submissive expression on your face.

“What are you doing?’ You asked slowly.

“Just trust me '' I moved over to your nipples; I'd always heard that this was something people seemed to like, but never had happen enough. And if you were one of them, I was about to find out.

I licked one, starting to rub it, then taking the other into my mouth. When I started it, your hips went up, another moan slipping those beautiful swollen lips. I could feel your heart pounding against my own.

By the time i pulled off, both nipples as well as your entire chest were a deep red tone,
Oh god, it felt like I was in heaven. Like I had a god in my arms, and I had full control over them. I couldn’t have asked for a better gift. You were an actual dream come true, and i wanted to fuck you into a beautiful mess. I wanted to break you and then put you back together all over again.

Your beauty was evil, and if you wanted to? You could have me in a chokehold- you could have the world in your hands. Hell…with a man of your looks? You were probably the reason people even followed racing.

I didn’t waste any time moving further down, placing hickey’s along your V line. The best thing I did in that moment was give you a small nibble, you yelped and thrusted your hips up momentarily, looking at me in shock.

I gave a dark chuckle, before running my tongue along the spot, then sucking on it, soon enough there would be a dark hickey though.

Inch my inch I started to pull off your short’s, but then paused suddenly.

“Before I continue, are you okay with me going further?’ I asked, it was a question that you seemed like you hadn’t been asked before. You sat there, you thought about it for a moment; I could feel your boner sitting against my chin, ready to pop out of those pants at any second.

“Yeah, i'm alright with it,” is what you said, i smiled a little, pulling your shorts down a bit more; i very nearly got slapped in the face by your cock, it was bigger then i had initially expected. I'm no bottom; and you definitely aren’t a top, however I couldn't help but feel this need to worship it as I worshipped every other part of you.

I took it into my hand, looking you dead in the eye’s as I ran my tongue along your shaft firmly.

You slapped a hand over your mouth, barely able to hold yourself up on your elbows as your head fell back.

The amount of heat coming off your body showed, I could see it on the leather seat under you. You stunk of cold sweat, but it was such an intoxicating smell I only wanted more. As soon as my tongue found the tip of your member, I used the tip of my tongue against the tip,sliding against that small crevice , but it wasn’t until I took you into my mouth, sliding all the way down without any hestance or struggle, my lips quickly meeting your base. It was then that your arm gave under you and you were on your back again,

Seeing you so weak should not have made me as hard as it did, but I could feel it. My own cock was pressing against my tights, just aching to get out. It almost hurt. I stood up, finally letting you go after sucking on your for a few minutes. You groaned in disappointment, your dic throbbing so hard it was twitching, like you’d almost been about to cum.

It was beautiful. Pants down at your knees, shirt over your chest hickeys all over, your dick twitching anc your nipples red; I wish I had taken a picture.
I let down my own pant’s, you looked almost horrified when you saw the size of it.
I know I said your’s was big, I don't take it back; but mine was definitely bigger. It was already hard and dripping precum. I gently grabbed your hand, making you spread your palm; I moved so I was standing over you, cock just touching your chest, the pre cum dribbling and running down to your stomach.

You didn’t ask questions, spitting into your hand and starting to rub my dick. I let out a bit of a moan; rolling my neck before looking right at you, eyes half lidded. You leaned up, taking me into your mouth. It was a feeling I'd only ever been able to fantasise about. And it was worth the wait.

After a moment of slow sucking, I couldn't help but grab onto the back of your head, thrusting. There was a small pop as I forced my way into the back of your throat. Initially your leg jolted and your eyes went wide; i was throat fucking you now. But you didn’t resist, no, you instead wrapped your arms around my legs, both hands holding onto my inner thigh. The sensations were glorious; as was the amount of dominance I had over you right now.

You moaned around me; tears in your eye’s. I knew you weren’t upset; but I did know what you actually needed. As I pulled out there was an audible pop, you gasped for air shakily, coughing as you did.

I bent forward, cupping your cheeks.

“Are you alright?” I asked, staring at you intently.

Your cheek’s only turned redder, hand over your mouth.

“Y-yeah”

“Can I continue?’ I asked, pushing your hair back.

Your only response but a nod. I kissed you again, placing a hand on the back of your neck as I slowly lowered you against the seat.

Soon I let go, moving back to my original place, picking you up by the hip’s rather than lifting your legs. I used one hand to position myself, you were using what little strength you had to hold yourself there.

But before I knew it, I was sliding into you. It was warm and tight, not painfully so but it did dawn on me then and there that you’d never done this before.

“Do you want me to slow down?” I asked, looking up at you.

“God no” you said quickly, and breathlessly. I smiled a little.

“You're a little sadist, it’s alright baby boy, i’ll give you exactly what you want…and what you need” i said before shoving into you the rest of the way. You arched your back, grinding down against me. Your arm’s flew up, covering your face quickly, hands shaking. I moaned, I could feel the tightness all the way down to my bade; a small spasm coming on from you. I could have cum just from sliding in, it was so perfect.

“Are you sure-”

“Just shut up and fuck me” you said desperatly, barely letting me finish my sentence.

“As you wish, baby” I started thrusting, it was slow at first but as the minutes went by I built up to going as fast as I possibly could; I could see a bulge popping up just over your pubic bone everytime i went all the way in. I was worried at some point that the barbell was going to fall off and hurt you, but I simply pulled you closer to the edge and kept going even harder. I had you pretty much folded, knees almost touching the seat on both sides of his head.

“Fuck yes~” i said shakily.. My back had been getting sore, so I moved you up just a bit, sitting myself with you still laying down, hips trembling as you tried to stay up. I began thrusting upwards, hand pressed against the bulge in you.

You suddenly grabbed my hand, pulling me forward. You quickly placed my hand over your neck. I got the idea quickly and squeezed gently, pressing specifically against your windpipes.

“Harder damn it” you said. “I want you to cut off my air supply and fuck me like there’s no tomorrow.”

you didn’t need to tell me twice. I started pressing harder, and thrusting faster. Your eye’s rolled to the back of your head, and you only got tighter. I used my other hand to jerk you off, and leant down, sucking on your nipple again; intentionally overstimulating you.

Your legs wrapped around my waist tightly, I let go every few seconds to allow you to breathe; that was just around the neck.

I had successfully fucked you into submission; and the best part was about to come.

You tapped my hand as I squeezed it for the fifth time, I let go, you panted a bit.

“I-im gonna cum-” you said in a warning tone.

“Good, I wanna see you do it, cum for me baby” I said to you in a seductive voice.

I hadn’t realised it would go as far as it did, but suddenly there was a roped of cum between us, getting all over me as well; the sight of it only made me finish as well, burying myself deep into you as I did. My eyes rolled back as I did, letting out a loud groan; you bit your lip, watching as I did.

I looked down, licking the cum off you slowly, making you shiver. It was perfect.

So perfect.
And yet so fucked up.

After that night, we didn’t talk again; not for the longest time. Everything just went back to normal. I don’t know what i had been expecting, but it hurt- no, it stung. Like a bitch.

Now i only had dreams and memories of that night;

I still don’t regret it though.

Chapter Text

I remember about three weeks ago, after our…incident in the gym, where you still hadn’t spoken to me. I was sitting in a club, lounging back casually. There was another man trying to come onto me, just a fan- not that i didn’t appreciate…but i couldn’t get my eyes off you.

There you were, beautiful as ever, sitting across the venue. It was just you, me, and three racers left in the current competition and we were meant to be celebrating yet another win…but you just looked…tired. I had seen you on your phone a lot. Like…a lot a lot, it wasn’t like you to have your head stuck in a device all of the time, but i couldn’t help feel curious…constantly.

You looked down at your phone again; the light hitting your face made me suddenly aware of how dark it was in here. You spent a moment on it, clearly on call; but suddenly there was this look on your face, like shock. All the colour draining from it. I knew then that something was horribly wrong.

When you rushed out the door, it only confirmed it. I followed, rushing out the exit. I had thrown off the fan from earlier by accident; i hadn’t to, but that didn’t matter to me right now. Yeah, sure he was a fan, but I was only human. There you stood, in tears on the phone, just down the alley. You had a hand over your mouth, crying.

“...Alright, I'll be there soon” You said, hanging up. When you looked up, that’s when you saw me just standing there like an idiot. You quickly rubbed the tears from your eye’s.

“Uh- h-hey” you said, knees in front of you, you were sitting on the curb, gripping your phone. I stuck my hands in my pocket, giving you a quick casual nod.

“Hey…you god?’ I asked, approaching slowly. You clearly didn’t know what to say, biting your lip.

“No,” you said quietly, trying not to cry again. I sat down next to you.

“Can I ask what happened?” you didn’t say anything… not at first. The tears started pouring again, but you didn’t sob.

“I uh…my dad has been really sick as of late…and um…i just got a call…saying he’s …just passed away.” it suddenly (and quite obviously) made so much sense as to why you’d been spending so much time on your phone, and i could no longer blame you for it. I didn’t even think about it before I pulled you close, my hand resting on your shoulder. You immediately let out a small, clearly strained sob.

“Y-you know what the worst part is?” You asked, not looking at me.

“What’s that?” I asked, still holding you close to me.

“The worst thing about this is that we had just started to get along. it's sick, it’s so sick that this actually hurt’s me because of the sheer amount of abuse he and my mom put me through as a kid. I don’t understand why I even tried to become friends with him, but it felt good. And now, just as we finally get to the point where i can look at him- where i can be in a room with him and not want to scream at him for all of the years of hurt he handed to me, now he’s just…gone” You rubbed your eyes, trying to stop the tears, but you only broke down sobbing even harder.

“Oh monty…” I wrapped my other arm around you, holding you tight.

“I am so sorry…so so sorry, I can't imagine how you must feel….” I buried my face into your hair, closing my eyes as I did. It hurt so much seeing you in pain; it was heartbreaking! I hoped honestly that I'd never have to see it again, that I'd never have to see tears on those beautiful cheeks again, but I knew I probably could. Anyone in this line of work was destined to lose…everything.

How are you so pretty even when you cry?

We are too young for these kinds of things. I know that now. This amount of pain at this age? It wasn’t natural. But it couldn’t be helped I suppose…
At this point I was only getting existential, so I shut those thought’s down, pulling you onto my lap. I didn’t know what else to do; I didn't know how to comfort people, it was something severely lacking in my own childhood, comfort for me was something I got from movies or quiet nights, not people…

“I'm sorry” I said with a small voice. “I'm not good at comfort…” You gave a bit of a chuckle, rubbing your eye’s. I couldn't help but smile.

“You're pretty good at it actually…” things were quiet, you didn’t end up moving off my lap that evening, not until i spoke again.

“Monty…i know this probably isn’t the best time…but i…would you ….go out with me?”

“Go out…how?”

“Like…on a date?” I felt so nervous, I didn't know what answer I was expecting, but somehow your response hurt more than it should have.

“oh…Jackson i would love to but…i um…with my dad and stuff i…i’m not saying not but like you’ve already figured out…not the best time” I could only force a smile, hiding the hurt i felt there. I nodded quickly, brushing your hair out of your face.

“That’s completely fair, I understand…”

After that, you stopped talking to everyone. Dino co. wouldn’t let you drop out so you were forced to miss your dad's funeral; and i saw how much it hurt you.

However, despite it not being my place to say, I'm glad you didn’t. not for your father, but you're horrible mother. By the end of the race (which you won) I approached you. It might have seemed creepy, but I had done some background research and located your dad’s grave… I'd even gotten into contact with mater and some of your other friends to plan ahead; a second private funeral. Which nobody had told you about yet.

I walked over to you, you’d just received your trophy and medal, and finished the conference.

“Hey uh…Monty?” I came over to you. You turned around, looking up. You looked so tired…

“Oh uh…hey, jackson…is everything alright?” I gave you a warm smile instead.

“Yeah…I um…” I walked up to you slowly, fishing something from my pocket and pulling out two tickets. I handed them to you, evidently anxious. They were paid and ready to go that day. It took you a moment before you realised what was going on and tears filled your eye’s.

“Um…why…why there?” is what you asked, pointing to the town written on the ticket. I bit my lip for a moment before looking up.

“To go to your dad’s grave…it’s not just me coming either, i organized a private funeral for us to go to and some of your close friends, i-it’s all paid for so you don’t need to worry about anything. Flight and food has been paid for as well as accommodation”

“Jackson that’s sweet but i can’t, if my mom-”

“She doesn’t know anything about it. None of your family does, I've taken extra measures to make sure she won’t know. Please monty, there’s no ties to it and if you simply don’t want to go, that’s completely fine. But I saw how much it hurt you when you were told you couldn’t leave. It hurts to watch the heartbreak in your eye’s. So…please…let me do this for you, not because I'm trying to be a hero or get on your good side, but because all I've ever done is bully you, and on top of that, it’s the right thing to do. You need support and closure right now. So…please?” I held my hand out to you, ready to go straight to the airport.

Ironically, I was actually surprised when you didn’t take my hand, but actually straight up hugged me. I held onto you as tight as possible, swaying a little.

“Thank you….thank you, thank you thank you thank you”

Chapter Text

The trip was quiet. The plane, the drive, you barely ate the whole time or really looked at me. I wasn’t upset about it though… I understood.

I was trying to anyway. I was trying to be as considerate as I possibly could be, but I didn't really know my parent’s before they just…left… I suppose it’s the same in some sense, the loss was the same in a way, but I didn't have that bond with mine, and as far as I know they weren’t alive. I can’t imagine the pain you felt.

You did speak to me once while we were in the hotel, I'd booked a nice one so you were at least comfortable. I know you're a bit of a cheapskate but …like I said, comfort and safety above all else. When you spoke, you told me more about your dad… and it left me a little confused.

*flashback*

“So …what was he like?” I asked, not knowing what I was about to unleash upon myself.

“Who…?”

“Your dad,” You went quiet once again, having been in the middle of unpacking a door dash bag.

'Do you want like…a whole thing or just like…recent?’

“Whatever you're comfortable with telling me,” You hummed a bit, sliding a container over to me with the paper knife and fork on top. You were considering, I don't know what was going on in your head, perhaps bad memories, but you scrunched your brows, thinking.

“When I was a kid he used to do this thing. He didn’t like having to take care of me all the time, my mother had her job which she loved, she worked in a mechanics office.” you sighed a bit, picking the meat out of your dinner, placing them on a plate.

“But he allowed her to work, he loved her- and he got alcohol out of it honestly. He’d been out of work for ages due to an injury he suffered. He was um…he was actually a racer- nobody well known, he wasn’t famous, he mostly did street races or small town running races … but anyway. When i was a kid i was uh…quite chunky” I was still watching you closely while listening, i’d noticed that you hadn’t stopped at pulling out the meat, you’d also taken out anything with carbs in it.

“So whenever he picked me up from school, he would drive around the corner, and make me race him home. We liked an hour away from the school, we didn’t live in town or anything, it was a small one either way but we lived on a property. He would drop me off wherever he decided, and tell me ‘you're going to run. I don’t want you to be stopping. If you beat me then I'll allow you to get yourself an ice cream. If you lose though, you’ll be doing this again in the morning’, ice cream’s were only 80c at the time but they were the best thing i’d ever tasted. I only ever got it once. . . had to run every afternoon and every morning, sometimes if he was particularly unhappy with me he would make me do it without shoes. It sucked because going up the back roads was especially painful barefoot, it was all just dirt and prickly grass. But I always got home at least 5 minutes before my mother. There were only two times where it happened and uh…. Well, she drove right past me. She knew I was there but she couldn’t care less. There was also one time where I was about ten minutes late, because I was particularly anxious that day, I had always been bullied at school.

What had happened was I'd collapsed and started throwing up after being chased by a fox; I'm not scared of them, never was, but the ones around the property were really sick. My father drove out and picked me up, berated me in the car and sent me to my room without dinner…that little game of his was probably the least bad thing he ever did to me, it just sucked for me personally because it was so long term.” You had finished picking everything off your plate at this point; you were left with very few things in your bowl. It sudden;y made sense as to why you ordered extras for yourself, and you continued to do that with three other containers just to make up a singular meal.

“What was the worst?” I asked quietly, pinching myself a little, trying not to show anger. Why would anyone want to rekindle a relationship with someone who put them through that?

I didn’t realise how much worse it could have gotten.

“Well, like I said, he was a pretty big drinker. He would send me back and forth to the fridge to grab him beers, hell he especially made a show of it whenever he had friends over. As far as I'm aware, they didn’t think it was all that bad. They were pretty old school. Well, he would also make me open them before bringing them to him, he said it would help me build muscle or something like that. I would usually spend about 3 or 5 minutes in the kitchen trying to do so. Well one time I spent a little longer than usual. When I opened the bottle I got curious and took a sip, you know, being a kid you get curious about those things. My father happened to come in at that moment, I don't know why he’d come in, probably to see what was taking me so damn long. Well, he saw me tae the sip, and told me to finish it.

Of course with a dad like mine I did start to panic and started saying sorry, but he told me that if I wanted to be such a grown up, and if I wanted to be a thief, then I needed to learn to finish what I started- that I needed to learn to pull through. When I tried handing him the bottle he kept pushing it back to me, eventually it started to get heated, I started to um…c-cry, so he pulled out his belt and started hitting me with it. He didn’t stop at a couple of slaps either, since he had made me pull down the back of my pant’s he kept going until the skin began splitting. Usually if he wanted to hurt me he would throw things at me or just slap me, but he’d never raged at me like that before, he didn’t stop until he was ready to. I wasn’t able to sit properly for weeks after that, it just hurt too much. I even had to learn to sleep on my stomach, and I still do to this day, there’s even a scar from it” You were so calm when talking about it, it shook me a little.

“You seem so okay with it?”

“I'm not, but as I'm sure you are aware I'm not the only person in our generation who went through stuff like that. I was usually told to suck it up, it’s considered normal for us i suppose. I guess that’s why so many people call this next generation snow flakes, but they aren’t. They aren’t over sensitive, the people who try calling them out are the sensitive ones; this next generation just isn’t willing to take crap from others” I nodded, we’d gone into another conversation now, but i wasn’t ready to move from it,

“So…if he hurt you so much, then why did you try and rekindle stuff?” I asked, still having not touched my food.

“Well, when my father got sick, the first thing he did was try to divorce my mother, he wasn’t unaware of how she acted towards me, it was just never spoken of. In fact I actually resented her more than him, because she saw the things he did to me and never tried to stop him; hell, she barely even looked at me. She took every opportunity possible to get away from me. The divorce didn’t happen and he was too sick to take things to court, the illness developed rapidly. So he went into …i don’t know, some sort of intensive care, he essentially lived in the hospital, he was constantly being monitored but he was more free there than at home, and he’d been sober since he had gotten sick. Apparently he and my mom had a fight about me, she tried guilting him into staying by bringing up all the things he did to me; as you can tell that didn’t work. But it’s a good thing he went into care because it ended up giving him a bit more time to live.

The first thing he did when he got there and settled? He called me. And he just…apologised, over and over he kept saying how sorry he was for…everything and begged to see me. So i did…over those months we bonded, i actually felt quite close to him for the first time in my life, whenever i wasn’t at a race i was with him. . . then the world tour happened and…obviously i couldn’t be with him, it was heartbreaking on it’s own, i called him whenever i could and he did the same, i could drop everything for him because i knew time was running out. And well…you know the rest”

I rubbed my head, not really sure what to say.

“Shit Monty…” I had to stop myself from crying, I felt so horrible for you, it hurt honestly. I sniffed a bit, reaching forward and taking your hand.

“I am…so sorry that happened to you…it’s heartbreaking just to hear on its own. If there’s anything I can do, tell me. Please” I said. You chuckled softly, and for a moment I felt embarrassed.

“W-what?” I asked, you leant over the bench, grabbing me by the face and kissed me. I felt my heart flutter as you did; it was better than I ever could have imagined. Your lips were…so very soft, just the concept of what was happening made my heart rce on its own but it was really happening. I pulled you over the bench, dragged you actually, without breaking the kiss. I held you close as I kept kissing you, unable to control myself, arms around that…somehow tiny waist of yours.

“I love you” I admitted quietly, nuzzling your cheek. You smiled, kissing me again before cupping my cheeks again, looking me right in the eye.

“I love you too”

*present*

It had been so perfect that I hadn't even realised I zoned out. I blinked a few times, suddenly becoming aware of my surroundings. We were in the back of a car, both of us dressed in black, as well as a few of your friends in another car. You had this…tired and sad look on your face. I didn’t say anything, pulling you closer to me.

You didn’t pull away, you only rested your head on my shoulder, closing your eye’s tiredly.

As if out of a movie, it started raining… by then everyone else had left. It was just the two of us.

It was poetic in a way, I knew one thing about you for a fact, and that was how much you loved rain. But even with being absolutely soaked, I could see tears running down your cheek. I put my hand on your other cheek, using it to pull you closer, kissing the side of your head.

“Nothing breaks like a heart, lightning-bug, but that doesn’t mean it won’t heal.” you covered your mouth, letting out a sob, turning away from the grave and burying your head into my chest. I held you closer, forgetting about the umbrella I had in my hand and leaving it on the ground- it wasn’t being used anyway.

Chapter Text

Monty my love I'm sure you're wondering why I'm writing this to you. All I've done is bring back memories, and I do want to , but I need you to wait just a little longer.

Every Time i was in your arms, it was perfect. You distinctly smelled of burnt rubber and yet there was also the underlying scent of rosewood - or sometimes sandalwood. Either way, it was comforting. Now I have incense of both constantly burning in my bedroom.

Your beauty alone puts aphrodite to shame.
Every Time you laughed it sounded like a choir of angel bells singing in perfect harmony.
Your skin was softer than silk, your teeth were whiter than the whitest of clouds, your eye’s looked like they’d been plucked straight off the face of a god. . . they were mesmerising.

But my love for you didn’t stop at your looks. I loved you, even when you shouted at me, you were passionate; hell, I loved you even when you were so angry you were quiet- there were a lot of times where I thought you were going to kill me. I loved you even when you cried, because somehow, you still looked stunning when you did. I loved you when you started hitting me on the chest, although it hurt, I hugged you anyway, allowing you to release all of that pain.

But …no matter how tight I held you, or how loud I let you yell, how many words I let you throw at me, no matter how much they hurt, it was never enough…

I know why you were upset. I know it was never my fault nor was it yours. Between your father’s death, your mother’s texts and the bullying from Hick, I could never blame you for it all.

But no matter how much i did, no matter how much it tried, i couldn’t take away those things, i couldn’t take away your pain. It was out of my control, I just wish I could have done better.
I wish I had the power to bring your dad back. I wish I had the power to cut your mother completely, I wish I had the power to make hick shut up once and for all…but I didn't.

Somehow though, even though I sat through all of it with you, I didn't realise just how bad all of that pain was. Things got to their worst when you suffered that spinal injury; all it took was that minor crash during a night drive, I remember because I was in the car with you. We were going out to get food- i was the one behind the wheel that evening. If I had known it was going to happen I would never have put you in the car with me! Because after that, the pure amount of pain you were in, emotionally and physically was overwhelming for the both of us. It hurt too much to watch and I started shutting down at the worst time possible; I got scared and abandoned you. I put my head into the races; I couldn't stop myself, it was the only distraction.

If I had known the repercussions of those actions I would have stopped them too.

My last night with you though is one that stuck to me. I remember it like it was yesterday.

*past*

You laid there in my arms, still on the hospital bed, you were quite tense. You’d had a long day- things had been tough in general due to your inability to race, i hadn’t realised how much you loved it! This only went more into how terrible I was when we first met- but that isn’t the story right now.

“Hey baby?” You mumbled tiredly, looking up at me.

“Yeah?” I looked down quickly, still running my fingers through your hair. It had been a really long day.

“Can you pass me the painkillers?” You asked, I didn't know any better and quickly handed them over.

“You sore lightning bug?” You seemed to freeze just a little, before laughing nervously and giving a nod

“Uh- yeah” I wish I had caught onto that. The hesitance and the laugh; they were incredibly odd, but I didn't at the time, they went right over my head. What came next makes me feel sick to my stomach. You got up slowly, barely limping over to the bathroom. I found it odd you went in there, but i didn’t say a damn word. I should have though- I should have followed you in hindsight. But it was too late for that.

*present*

The amount of times I cried myself to sleep after that night has left me completely dry of any tears… Now I just feel numb. You killed yourself that night, and I was in the room right next to you; there was a singular door between us, all I had to do was follow you, and yet I didn't.

I know for a fact if i had then you wouldn’t be gone, you’d still be here with me. I’d still have you in my arms. You clearly didn’t want to be, however, you didn’t want to be with me anymore- you didn’t want to be on this planet anymore.

I know now why I'm so afraid to touch you, as I stand here over your body, at the funeral. I’m afraid to touch you because it’ll make everything real, much more than it already is. I didn’t think I could cry again, but like always, you proved me wrong, Lightning bug.

I’m not angry with you, but I am hurt. I won’t touch you, I don't want to taint the memory; even in death you're still beautiful. But… i think you ruined me…lightning bug…i won’t ever forget about you. I can promise you that, you're unforgettable. But i can never move on from this…i can never move on from you, it scares me too much.

To think the last time I touched you was only minutes before you took away your life, I know it’s not your fault. With how much pain you were holding onto inside, I can't be upset. But sometimes now I start shaking for what feels like no reason at all, I've come to learn that everything reminds me of you.

Thank you for the memories. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for showing me what happiness felt like, but also, thank you for teaching me to cry, thank you for showing me what loss truly feels like, thank you for teaching me to be considerate, to listen, to love…

I’ll see you on the other side.

-Jackson xoxo