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They shouldn’t be doing this.
The sentiment blared in Shepard’s thoughts with annoying insistence. Her eyes shut tighter as she tried to block her morals out, she didn’t want to think about all the little instances where she should’ve made better choices. She should be a better person, she should be smarter, she should be anything besides the type of person who climbed into her lieutenant's lap after he came to her looking for guidance.
She should be better than this.
In his kiss there was hunger. Resolution. There was something fragile in the way he leaned into her and Shepard took his hand, guiding it to settle at her hip as if to tell him she felt it too. She saw the inevitable regret that lingered just beyond their shared breaths. Right now they needed to be close because if any distance were to grow between their bodies, the universe was soon to catch up and it would steal this moment of freedom, erasing it as if it never existed. Vega’s hand slid up Shepard’s spine soft and slow and it was as if he was doing his best to make whatever was happening between them into something meaningful. Shepard couldn’t be sure whether his touch was brought from pity or adoration. Perhaps it was both. Perhaps it didn’t matter.
She wanted to be bodiless, she wanted to be nothing besides want and need. In the time spent learning just who her lieutenant was, Shepard came to realize he was nothing but honest. He wanted to be good so badly, he wanted to be liked. Those traits alone were all the proof needed for Shepard to find it harder and harder to push away her nagging guilt. Deep down, she knew that this was her fault. She teased him and played into his stupid little flirty games. She stroked his ego and she might as well have patted his pretty little head like a puppy whenever he put on his showboating moron routine.
Quietly, he wanted her approval. He looked up to her. He talked a lot of nonsense and cracked a lot of jokes, but in rare moments where he put the routine down- Shepard saw him as he was. Eager, devoted, honest. Desperate for attention and approval, desperate for someone to tell him that he was okay and he was doing the right thing. She felt dirty for playing into his little vulnerabilities, she felt dirty for letting things between them get to the point where there was nothing to do besides crash together with heavy breaths and wandering hands.
His body was warm against hers, solid and inviting. Shepard wished she could drag her nails down his chest. She wished she didn’t know him so that she could fuck him remorselessly. She wished he was just some pretty stranger who she could use like a toy until she felt more like a person. It’d been so long since she allowed herself a glimpse of her humanity. In his arms, spread over his lap she was forced to confront a stranger, someone she hadn’t seen in years. Wearing her skin was someone who could feel, someone who could want.
Fingers skimmed down her side, and Shepard pulled away from his lips with a soft noise of pleasure announcing her departure. Shepard momentarily hoped he’d use this moment to tell her they should stop, she didn’t want to be the better person right now. She barely wanted to be herself and for once she wanted someone to make a decision for her. It was completely unfair to harbor such hope, but she held onto it anyways. She rolled her body down against his and her lips found his throat. Her teeth pressed into his skin, Vega stiffened beneath her and she felt his moan before she heard it. How could she be expected to be better when he sounded like that?
Her tongue dragged up to his jaw and she felt the hint of stubble beneath his skin. He was always clean-shaven. Always pretty. Shepard often felt that he was some sort of cruel joke given to her by the universe, a pretty wrapped present all dolled up with a stupid bow that she wasn’t able to rip to pieces even though it would be so easy. Stupidly, she felt like she could taste her broken composure on his skin. She could feel him in a purer sense than physical, vibrating and rippling beneath well kept muscles. Right now while well past the line of decency, she felt like she was bared open to him, stripped of her rank, stripped of her person until she was something primitive and needy.
Shepard wanted him in an awful sense. She wanted to sink her fingers into him and imprint herself on all that he was. She wanted to claim him. Vega touched her like he needed to make it count, like he needed to make sure he mapped her body with his hands because there was an unspoken understanding between them that this couldn’t happen again. Shepard’s uniform felt heavier than it normally did, the stupid zipped fabric ruined her immersion. Her lips found his, her body frantic and her tongue greedy as she stole from him yet again. Inviting herself to take something she wasn’t sure he was prepared to give.
Feeling far from herself, Shepard pulled at the snaps of her collar to find the zipper at her throat. She dragged it down and the metal teeth bit into the air, making her breath catch up to her. Her fingers awkwardly knocked his as he came to help her. They fumbled gracelessly until she forcibly took his hands to place them at her thighs. He pulled away from her lips, laughing in a way that made her chest feel warm.
“I was trying to help.” The grin in his words was boyish, he sounded proud as if he couldn’t believe she’d want to take her shirt off. She finished the task hurriedly, feeling as if the buckles of her uniform might burn her if she touched them for too long.
“Mmhm, such a gentleman.” Shepard rolled her eyes, she held onto her snark because it was the only thing she could keep hold of right then.
She didn’t want to talk. Not like this at least. She pulled his shirt from his waistband and he eagerly assisted in peeling it from his skin. The damned thing was a size too small and they both knew it. He liked to be gawked at, he liked being the loudest presence in a room. James drank down attention like he was starved for it. He often reminded her of a peacock, Shepard was pretty sure he used body oil like some kind of princess to keep himself pretty, and thinking about it made her want to bite him again.
Seeing him shirtless was nothing new, but Shepard took a moment to take him all in. Sitting further back, she trailed her fingertips over his chest. As her touch went lower she heard him suck in a breath through his teeth. At his waistband, she paused before she reached to palm the raised fabric of his pants. She groped at him, feeling the hard weight of his cock in her hand had Shepard biting her lip. James grunted beneath his breath, his stomach jumped and Shepard laughed unsteadily, shocked by his reactions. She expected him to be cocksure and obnoxiously confident as he always was. Curiously, she cupped one of his pectorals, her thumb brushed over his nipple and James gasped surprised and giddy. He threw his head back and his hips rose to rut himself against her hand, seeking friction.
“Christ-” He shuddered, disbelief rang in his tone. From the way he reacted to the barest of touches, Shepard was beginning to rethink her previous assumptions about his peacocking bullshit. He sounded as if he hadn’t been touched in ages, it was as if he was in awe of what he felt. If she was to have thought this little rendezvous out, she might’ve assumed he’d pitch some ridiculous challenge. Maybe he’d bet her that he could make her come in five minutes flat or something stupid like that. This, this sense of intimacy, this sense of wrongness and adoration was unfamiliar territory and Shepard wondered if this was yet another test from the universe to see if she’d fall even lower than she had.
Shepard pulled her undershirt over her head, taking her ugly uniform sports bra with it. James looked up at her as if for direction, he held her at her ribs, his thumbs rubbed up and down at her sides. He stared at her face rather than her tits, his pupils washed out the pretty brown of his eyes and Shepard swallowed the ridiculous giggle that wanted to crawl from her throat.
“You can touch y’know.” Shepard heard herself speak.
Her words broke whatever spell laid between them. Determination flashed over his features and her lieutenant lifted her from his lap, holding her at the side of her thighs as he stood up. Shepard had the good sense to wrap her legs around him as best she could. She wondered if this was yet another of his attempts to show off, but she hadn’t a moment to vocalize her thoughts before James kissed her again. They fell onto her bed clumsily, causing James to laugh against her lips. Shepard bit back a flash of irritation at the noise. She didn’t want to think he was cute right now.
Thankfully, he wasn’t nearly as chatty as he normally was. James managed to bring a knee between her legs and he covered her with his torso, he squeezed the side of her breast while kissing down the column of her throat. She should’ve expected he’d be a touchy lover. He wasn’t exactly the distant type. Still, she didn’t expect the softness in his touch, she wasn’t sure how she felt about his insistence on kissing but she figured he was allowed his own liberties if they were both making the same mistakes. Distantly Shepard wondered if he might’ve done this to anyone, and the only reason for his reverence might've come from the dying universe around them. By all logic, she was probably one of the last people he’d touch like this. There wasn’t any deeper meaning to the softness in his demeanor, Shepard refused to acknowledge anything besides what she could discern right here and now.
Her back arched against the mattress as he traveled down her torso and she pushed his head, demanding he hurry up and go lower. He might want to take their time, but she didn’t. She wanted it hard and dirty and meaningless. Already, she felt that they were pushing things. She didn’t deserve to fall into some fluffy comfortable headspace with a man who wanted to worship her. She felt she deserved to stew in her guilt. Nothing good could come out of this but it was hard to remember that when she saw a giddy, stupid grin light up Vega’s face as he complied with her bossiness.
“Noted. South of the border. Got it.” He had the audacity to wiggle his brows which was pretty brave given that he was within range for Shepard to plant a foot right in his face.
Shepard wiggled her hips impatiently, feigning annoyance. She reached to undo her belt and Vega helpfully attended to her boots. Assisting her like some weird mockery of their battle tactics. Shepard kicked her pants off and she sat up to rid herself of the uniform boyshorts. She didn’t feel particularly sexy, all of the heat from earlier had begun to simmer low. At this point, Shepard was desperate to feel anything besides the guilt and self-disgust that awaited her. She wasn’t shy of her nudity, only offended that James still had his pants on. She sat up on her knees, ready to remedy his pants situation but James leaned to mouth against her neck, mumbling as if he couldn’t find it in him to speak to her face.
“Let me eat you out.” He breathed, begging for her pleasure as if he had any right to ask for it.
God fucking damn it. Shepard wanted to scream. Any other man would’ve been balls deep in her by now. She wanted him to be selfish because then her selfishness wouldn’t be all that bad in comparison. The power imbalance would remain hot and taboo if he wanted to fuck her just as badly as she wanted him inside of her. She wished he had some fantasy about fucking the woman in charge, seeing a figurehead like her all fuck drunk and drooling, begging for more cock like a whore. Every filthy thought she ever had about him would be justified if he’d just take what he wanted. If they were both using each other, then she wasn’t wrong for this.
Still. She laid back down. She spread her legs and went so far as to use two fingers to rub her clit. Her free hand skimmed up her thigh, she loved the feeling of his eyes on her. She hadn’t felt wanted like this in years. She wasn’t sure if anyone had ever sounded so fucking needy while begging to worship her with his tongue. He asked for it like he needed it, like it was the only thing he’d ever wanted from her.
He laid on his stomach, positioning himself between her legs. Shepard spread the lips of her cunt, showing him her flushed and dripping center. He shifted impatiently and Shepard could feel his breath against her pussy. He looked up at her, begging with his eyes and she nodded her permission.
Taking her hand away from herself, she held her thigh, her fingers dug into her flesh roughly as she tensed from the first stroke of his tongue. James groaned, actually groaned to himself and Shepard felt whatever remaining hangups she harbored begin to shatter to pieces. He told her once that when he committed to something, he was all or nothing and Shepard choked on her breath as he spoke that same promise to her cunt. Licking up and down, he buried his face in her folds as if he was just fine to drown in her. There was no careful build up, no awkward few moments spent asking her if she liked what he was doing. He worshiped her hard and fast, utter devotion in his touch.
“Fuck-” Shepard writhed against him, she felt like she was digging bruises into her thigh but she couldn’t let go of herself. He slipped his tongue between her lips to tease her entrance and Shepard keened, stunned by everything she felt. He chuckled low and deep, clearly proud of himself and Shepard couldn’t find it in her to say anything in response. She wanted to tell him that she wanted more, she wanted to cum all over his face so she could taste herself on his tongue. Instead, she threw an arm over her eyes after finally figuring out how to dislodge her fingers from her thigh.
“So fucking wet-” James mumbled to himself, another word was swallowed as if he tried to continue his sentence but he silenced his words by descending on her clit as if he couldn’t help himself. He slowed his strokes to long, drawn out movements, teasing her and forcing her to feel every deliberate flick of his tongue as if he was thanking her body for the pleasure he was allowed to give her.
Shepard lifted her hips to grind her pussy against his face. James took it with a moan, he curled his fingers around her thighs, forcing her down with another chuckle. Shepard closed her thighs, encasing his head between them and he sighed with pure contented bliss. He lifted on his knees just enough to slide a hand between his body and the mattress. For the hundredth time today, Shepard found herself melting just a little more. He was so fucking cute, it was unbearable and nearly suffocating. The idea that he was hard enough to ache, hard enough that he needed to touch himself made another helpless moan fall from her lips.
Goosebumps raised on her arms, her heart was loud in her chest. James took his hand from himself and slid a finger through her sopping wet folds. He pushed it inside of her and Shepard heard herself whimper, the noise completely foreign to her ears, she was almost embarrassed to hear it. Every stroke of his tongue was perfect and placed right where she needed him. He fucked her on his finger slow and steady, contrasting the quick and up and down strokes of his tongue. From her sounds and the wetness flowing from her cunt to roll down the cleft of her ass, pooling in her sheets, it was probably clear she was close. Still, James took his time. Shepard’s breaths climbed to a peak, she grit her teeth while desperately willing herself to keep still. She didn’t want to throw him off of the rhythm that felt so fucking good.
She couldn’t form a single word to say, she wanted to tell him to hurry up and make her come but there was something beginning to stitch itself together inside of her psyche that kept her from begging for the easy way out. She wasn’t the type of woman to beg. Right now, she felt she deserved this maddening glimpse of the orgasm she didn’t deserve. James repeatedly stroked that spot inside of her, rubbing it and fucking his finger into her as if imagining it was his cock encased in her instead. Shepard’s toes curled, sparks licked over her skin and her stomach felt tight and jittery. James hummed as if to tell her he could feel her beginning to tighten up around his finger.
“Gh-” Shepard stuttered, her voice ragged. Her thighs clamped tighter over his ears, trapping him right where he was, unable to pull away from her. One of her arms shot above her, her fist desperately grasped the sheet and she pulled on it as if seeking some way to anchor herself to her body. The frantic flicks of his tongue were making a sloppy, wet audible squelch between her legs. James didn’t falter for a moment even as her free hand found his hair, pulling on it as she cried out another warning grunt. Her breath caught, her heart seemed to still, and all at once, pleasure ripped through her as harsh as a slap. Her eyes shot open, Shepard writhed, her back arched from the bed and she warbled out a whine that ended breathless and quiet as sparks and heat rolled over her skin. She just kept coming, the pleasure didn’t relent and distantly she could feel him sucking and lapping at her clit, over and over as if he wanted to see what sort of mess he could make of her.
Uninhibited and loud, her moan was almost inhuman. It felt fucking good to let her barriers down and a manic, nervous giggle fought its way past her throat. She felt the walls of her cunt tightening around his finger, and she rolled her hips, begging for more while falling headfirst into the insane, crushing orgasm he gave her. Her breath caught once more and James removed his finger so he could bathe his tongue in her cunt, lapping up her juices and her cum with eager enthusiasm. Finally, when Shepard’s legs stopped shaking, she forced every ounce of willpower she had into releasing him from the death grip of her thighs. She dropped them from his ears and James gave her pussy one departing kiss before he sat up with an absolutely shit eating grin.
“Didn’t know you were a screamer, Lola.” He preened and barely put any emphasis on his nickname for her as if he couldn’t find it in him to settle back into their usual repertoire.
Similarly, Shepard couldn’t find the words needed to tell him to shut up. She shuddered with one last aftershock of her orgasm and James crawled back over her torso, eager to kiss her again. This time, she allowed it to be soft. All of their previous kisses were all heat and tension, right now he seemed like he needed this moment. Part of her wondered how he’d react if she told him he did a good job, but now wasn’t the time for experimenting. He rested his weight on his elbow which he set next to her head. Shepard wasted no time in reaching between their bodies to slip her hand beneath his undone waistband.
Cupping his hard length over his underwear had his breath hitching. He pulled away from her, their soft moment cut short by Shepard’s wandering hand. She rubbed her thumb over the wet patch she felt in his underwear, teasing his cockhead. She felt him throb against her hand, and Shepard’s strained patience snapped.
“Do you want to fuck me, James?” She cocked her head to the side, her tone haughty. She wasn’t sure if she’d spoken his first name aloud before.
Rather than answer her, he scrambled to push his pants just low enough to free his cock. He moved as if to position himself between her legs, but Shepard didn’t want to look at him as he fucked her. She flipped to lay on her stomach, arching back prettily she displayed herself for him. She wanted to tip the scales, she wanted to find some semblance of control in the situation. He was so touchy, she wasn’t ready to let him kiss and pet her like they were lovers. She barely had any guilt left in her, she wasn’t ready to relinquish what was left of it. She’d come to realize that he had a certain knack about him that made it easy to forget the person she was supposed to be.
Gripping himself, he swiped the head of himself through her folds, bumping her clit to slide back down to her center, coating himself in her slick and making Shepard whine. She felt him shudder behind her, and he leaned over her back, for a moment he rested his forehead between her shoulder blades. With jerky movements, he pushed just the tip of himself inside of her only to pull it out and repeat the action. Shepard sighed, feeling a little lightheaded and dreamy, she was fine to let him play with her. Happy for it if she was being honest with herself. Whatever weird bullshit he was doing was just fine with her if it meant he’d give himself some spank bank material for later. She figured he might as well make the most of this sorry affair.
Her mental bitterness lasted for only a few moments. James thrust inside of her in one smooth glide of his hips and his thighs met the back of hers as he bottomed out. He groaned masculine and deep, and Shepard tensed her walls around him, hoping to hear him moan again. She was a little addicted to the way he sounded, for a guy who was never at a loss for words, it was cute to see him lost to sensation. James curled over her back once again to kiss her shoulder as he pulled out, beginning to fuck into her deep and hard. His body weight forced her down, she wasn't able to maintain her rehearsed little back-arched pose while he covered her with his torso.
Shepard was never the kind of girl who needed much foreplay. She almost liked the burn and stretch of a big cock splitting her in two. It helped her tune everything else out, sometimes it was good to hurt. This was nothing like any sort of sex Shepard had ever allowed herself. A filthy wet noise accompanied his thrusts, she wished she could see him pulling out of her. She imagined his cock slick and glistening, maybe she was soaking him enough for her wetness to drip down his balls.
James mumbled something and her brain understood his request without her consciousness’s participation required. Shepard lifted herself just enough for him to snake his arm around her collarbones. Her legs bent at the knees, she angled her ass up as best she could and the change in angle had his cock dragging against every sensitive spot inside of her. Shepard felt the hair on her arms standing on end, he was big enough that she could feel him threatening to brush against her cervix with every thrust, the closeness had her jolting, tensing her jaw. All she could do against the assault was whimper and moan. This was exactly what she wanted, she wanted mindlessness, she wanted a dirty rough fuck to regret later. With anyone else, she would’ve hated the oppressive weight on her back. She would’ve hated feeling his skin pressed to hers.
Right now she felt… safe. As he covered her and rolled his hips into her hard enough to steal her breath, Shepard felt like she was enveloped in a big warm blanket. Her fingers clutched at his forearm that was braced around her collarbones and he slowed his thrusts, transitioning them to deep grinding movements as he refrained from pulling out. He was seated as deep as he could, his movements deliberate and heavy.
“Don’t hold it against me if this isn’t perfect,” James laughed, sounding uneasy for a moment. “You’re so tight,” He groaned, “I-It’s been a while.”
The break in his voice was entirely too cute. Shepard didn’t need him to impress her via sex, but she couldn’t exactly tell him that she wanted to feel used so that the full brunt of her guilt would only sting a little. Shepard responded by flexing her walls around him, causing him to grunt,
“Gh-,” He panted and covered his moan with another kiss to her shoulder. “I forgot you play dirty.” Shepard couldn’t see him but she imagined him wearing that stupid, teasing smirk of his.
“Spoken like a guy who needs his ass kicked again.” She shot back. Before she found herself in his lap, they were both aware that their sparring was as much an excuse to touch each other as it was for any sort of training. They blew off steam in the only way they could until it all built up and Shepard found herself desperate for a breath of fresh air. All that tension clouded her until kissing him seemed like a good idea. Shepard wondered if things between them might’ve been different if the crumbling universe wasn’t two steps behind them at all times.
“Mm, you can kick my ass any day Lola. Y’know me, I’m game.” He enunciated his words with a thrust, seemingly after finding his head and remembering they were supposed to be fucking.
James kissed the back of her head before he peeled himself off of her back.
“Angle up?” The hint of hesitance in his words had Shepard complying because it was just so disgustingly cute to see him shy of asking. She’d never thought that James might know the definition of hesitancy. He was the sort of person who charged headfirst into walls before he went looking for a door. Shepard supported herself on her knees once again, she leaned forward, resting her weight on her collarbones. She placed her cheek against her mattress and she felt it dip with James’ weight as he readjusted himself. Taking to one knee, he grabbed her hip for leverage and planted his foot flat against the bed. In another moment, he guided his cock inside of her, this time taking it slow.
Each thrust of his drove her into the mattress, his balls thwacked against her clit and Shepard involuntarily shivered from the sensation. Above her, he kept petting her lower back. Even like this where she was offering him control, something that she’d usually make men fight her for, he wanted to keep things soft. Shepard’s hand snuck between their bodies. She gave his balls a good pull and hearing James stuttered breath had her giggling. There was a comfortable burn in her thigh muscles from the positioning, but she loved the ache. He told her she played dirty, and she wasn’t above teaching him a damn lesson over running his mouth. If he wanted to tell her she was unfair, she’d play unfair.
She curled in on herself, bracing her weight on her shoulder rather than her face and she cupped his balls in her hand, she used two fingers to press her fingers against the spot right behind his sac, stimulating his prostate from the outside.
“U-ungh…” His moan was ridiculous, of course it was. He was a whimpering puppy encased in two hundred and fifty pounds of muscle. He was exactly the kind of guy that Shepard went stupid in the head for. She felt his balls constrict in her hand, his sac pulled tighter and his thrusts lost any semblance of composure. She rubbed that spot behind his balls in little circles, pressing hard and using her thumb to massage the rest of his sac. His balls felt so heavy in her hand, thinking about him coming inside her was delicious and filthy, she moaned into the mattress as James drove her into it.
His cock pulsed inside of her, each drag and pull of him had sparks tickling over Shepard’s skin, the frenzy of his desperate thrusts pushed her closer and closer to the edge. She wanted to rub her clit but she was more focused on making a mess of James and distracting him from being obnoxiously adorable. She wanted him to cum hard, she wanted him to slam her into the mattress and keep fucking her until his legs gave out.
“I need you to cum.” James panted, begging even as he began to pull her back onto him as he desperately sought his own release. “Tener compasión, please-”
The ragged tone of his voice felt like a physical caress, the weight of his words went right to her clit. Shepard hummed as if considering his plea, she gave his balls another tug just to be mean and James grunted before he managed a handful of shaking, stunted thrusts. Sheathing himself deeply one last time, he rumbled a long, almost disappointed groan as he helplessly spurted inside of her. The heat of it and the paired sensation of his throbbing shaft was enough for Shepard to float feeling satisfied and well fucked. She hadn’t come, but she didn’t mind. He felt good like this.
She half expected him to flop on top of her and cuddle her with all the subtlety of a big, sweating bear. James swiftly pulled out of her and before she had a moment to react, he physically lifted her with one hand on her stomach and the other on her lower back. He laid between her spread legs and he dropped her back down right over his face. Shepard sat up, shocked and feeling as if he’d completely reversed all of her dreamy pleasure, she squirmed as if to get off of him but he grabbed both of her thighs and forced her down. He nuzzled his face into her pussy with a moan, beginning to kiss and lick at her clit with the same enthusiasm he’d given her earlier.
Any words Shepard might’ve said died on her lips. All of her thoughts couldn’t figure out how to stitch themselves together coherently. Everything felt oversensitive but not enough, on instinct she ground her hips down, riding his tongue and smearing her cum filled pussy over his chin. James moaned his agreement to her greedy demand for more, his fingers tensed on her thighs and the frantic strokes of his tongue soon had Shepard curling in on herself. Her skin felt flushed, cooling sweat had her feeling clammy and unattractive. James was lost in his own little world, guiding her hips as she used his tongue for her pleasure, likely unaware of how unbalanced Shepard felt. There wasn’t any duty or obligation evident in the desperate way he zigzagged his tongue up and down over and over again. This wasn’t some obligatory thank you helping hand. There was frantic need in every twitch and flick of his tongue.
Shepard seized up, her stomach tensed with the full force of her orgasm sneaking up on her and pulling her over the edge. Her moan was loud and feral, she curled over his head and tensed her thighs, using him like a masturbatory toy as she rubbed herself against his tongue while riding out her high. Distantly, she loved the idea of smearing his pretty face in the mess of their mistakes. Covering him in their shared release, branding him with it. Soon, the aftershocks were fierce enough that Shepard rolled off of him with an undignified grunt, escaping his tongue while unable to find her voice to ask him to ease up.
Spots of color bled into each other behind her closed lids, Shepard managed one shaking breath before James lifted her thigh which felt as if it was full of sand. Nothing of her body was listening to her, she felt heavy and so far away from the comfortable floating place she’d lingered in for a few moments after he came in her. James dropped her leg over his shoulder, he dove inbetween her legs and kissed her inner thigh, two fingers spread her lips and his breath hitched with whatever he saw. With flat, broad strokes of his tongue, he licked her, aiming more to clean her up than to pleasure her. Oddly, his eagerness helped Shepard figure out how to breathe again. With something to focus on, she inhaled deeply and she exhaled, mentally trying to center herself as she climbed back down to metaphorical earth. As her fingers found his hair, she found it a shame that he kept it military-shorn at the sides. There wasn’t much for her to run her fingers through, but James immediately reacted to her petting with fluttered lashes and a soft sigh escaping his lips.
Resting the side of his face against her thigh, he leaned to kiss her skin once again, and then his eyes met hers. Shepard’s stomach moved in and out rapidly as her breath picked up with a sudden onslaught of nerves. She met his gaze with a shaky smile.
“I think you won this one.” Her words fell from her as if conjured by their own accord. Immediately she regretted speaking. She didn’t want him to think this was some sort of game. This wasn’t the same as sparring with him or anything else they did together. Their mistakes were not a competition. This was her burden to shoulder. Not his. This was her fault. Shepard cringed at her words with bared teeth and a crinkled nose. Of course, James responded with a good-natured chuckle.
“Nah. I’d say it's a pretty even tie. But good on you for being able to stay humble about it.”
“Mm, a tie then.” Every word she said had Shepard feeling hot in the face. She wished she could just stop talking.
Sitting up, James tucked himself back into his pants. He stood, and Shepard felt strange about the fact that he still had a sense of dignity with his pants and shoes while she was completely naked.
“I didn’t know you were such a kisser.” She laughed and sat up, crawling back to brace her back against the wall at the top of her bed. It wasn’t much of a headboard, her heated skin met cold metal and the slight discomfort felt warranted and necessary.
“Me? You should’ve guessed as much Lola. I’m a lover. You know that” He winked, waggling his eyebrows like a dumbass. James took the opportunity to lean over the mattress to press his lips against hers. Shepard leaned into him without thinking about it, the action came without any necessary thoughts. It was easy to kiss him, just as easy as it was to pretend he wasn’t someone she couldn’t have.
When he pulled away it took a moment for his eyes to open. There was a hint of a smile in his eyes, he was all warmth and Shepard almost wanted to ask for that stupid bear hug cuddle she’d briefly thought about.
“G’night Shepard.” He brushed his lips against hers, stealing one more kiss as if he couldn’t help himself. She wasn’t sure when the last time he used her actual name was, but she was at least glad he hadn’t called her Commander or any other title. It felt strange to be given such an impersonal goodbye even as he kissed her.
“This was good… yeah?” He spoke after a moment, tilting his head to the side, his features schooled into as serious an expression as he could muster. Shepard got the feeling that he was asking whether or not she had any regrets. There was no way she could tell him anything close to the truth of her feelings. Shepard barely understood the crashing surge of emotions inside of her, she was sure as hell not sharing them with him.
“Yeah. I’d say so.” She answered.
James seemed to be waiting for her to say something. Maybe he saw the hint of the words she couldn’t say. Shepard bit the inside of her lip, she didn’t like the feeling of him standing over her like this. She felt cornered but she knew she had no right to feel uncomfortable after what she did.
“My shower’s better than the crew ones.” Is what she said instead. “You can come by and use it if you want to. Maybe next time we hit the mats?”
Immediately, he straightened. James crossed the room to collect his shirt. He pulled it on and when his head came out from the neck hole, he flashed her a goofy grin. Gone was his usual smolder and all the micro-expressions he used to schmooze for attention. She liked his smile like this. It felt special, almost like a secret.
“Tomorrow then? After hours? With the tie and all, I think we should settle everything with a rematch.”
He sounded so sure of himself. Shepard stood from her bed, matching his stupid smile because damn him there was something contagious about his whole demeanor. Walking to the door, naked and so far kept safe from an assault of regret and guilt, Shepard swallowed a weight in her throat before she waved a hand to her door, changing its light to red. She walked James back until his body met the metal. Shepard stood on her tiptoes, bracing her hand against his chest. She gave him the barest of kisses, allowing herself just a brush of her lips against his. James leaned into her for more and Shepard stepped back laughing.
“Save it for tomorrow loverboy. You’re gonna tire yourself out.”
James only laughed, he waved his hand over the door sensor to let himself out. Stepping out into the little hallway, Shepard leaned against the wall outside of her quarters to watch him retreat to the elevator. She swore there was a bit of a skip in his step.