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Laudna had made up her mind long ago that she would protect Imogen with everything she had in her, no matter the cost. That, if it came down to it, she would lay her life on the line immediately if there was even a chance that doing so would save Imogen.
What was her life compared to Imogen’s? Bright, brilliant Imogen, who had her whole life ahead of her, with so many questions to answer and so many gifts to discover. Imogen needed to stay alive.
Launda was living on borrowed time anyway.
The first time Laudna consciously put this principle to use was in the chaos of a battle. Spells were being cast every which way, weapons were swinging through the air with abandon. Imogen had just landed a brutally accurate shot (Laudna was so proud!) but paused afterwards for a second too long. If Laudna had made that shot, she would have admired it too. Regardless, Imogen didn’t see the other party’s ranger send an arrow flying in her direction. All it took was a step (they were fighting side by side–such a good dynamic!) and Laudna intercepted the arrow.
The pain was piercing, then slow, like a flame working through her blood. Must have been poisoned. Or perhaps enchanted, Laudna thought, as she sank to her knees. She wouldn’t wish this pain on many people, but it was dulled by the relief she felt because Imogen hadn’t taken it.
The last thing she felt was Imogen’s hand gripping hers; Imogen’s lovely hands cradling her hands and her head as she rested.
“Gods, Laudna,” Ashton’s voice registered in her mind.
She came to slowly, aware of a now dull pain right below her heart. Someone, probably Fearne, helped her up to a sitting position.
“Imogen–” she started frantically. “Where– is she okay?”
“She’s fine, Laudna,” Fearne said. “She’s just fine.”
For days afterward, Imogen hardly left her side. Arms intertwined as they walked, fingers brushing as they sat beside each other in the tavern. Imogen held Laudna’s hand tightly through each night, as if letting go would allow Laudna to die again.
“You really scared me, Laud.” Imogen’s violet eyes bored into Laudna’s own with an unexpected intensity.
Laudna wrinkled her nose in confusion and amusement. “Imogen, is this about the other day?”
Imogen nodded. She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath in, steeling herself. “I can’t… I can’t lose you.”
Laudna brushed gentle fingers across Imogen’s cheek. “I’m right here, darling. I’m not going anywhere.
“I can’t lose you either.”
The next time it happened was a bit more… pointed. There was no big battle, they weren’t outnumbered. It was just one mage against the seven of them. It should have been an easy win. But the mage had singled out Imogen, and before departing cast a brutal bolt of terrible energy directly at her.
It only took Laudna two steps to get in front of Imogen, and she took them without a second thought. The bolt of energy shot through her, sending her atrophied muscles into spasms and turning her brain to black static. It would have killed Imogen, Laudna thought as her blood boiled (literally, she thought) under her paper-thin skin.
There was no one else she would take this pain for. Just Imogen. Only Imogen.
This time, the pain was too great for Laudna to register anything afterward. She didn’t know where Imogen was, just that she was safe, at least for now.
Everything went black and she went willingly, knowing that she had done what she could. Keep Imogen safe.
“Stop doing this.”
Laudna felt a familiar chill at the base of her skull; a part of her body that she was only vaguely aware of anymore.
“What do you mean?” Laudna was certain she was dead. Certain that she was not speaking out loud. It was just her and ‘D’ now. “Stop what?”
“Stop trying to die for her.”
Die for her. Die for Imogen . Was that was she was trying to do? Was she trying to die?
“Yes, that is what you’re doing.” Delilah’s voice was sharp, on the cusp of irritation. “Is that really what you want?”
“If it keeps her safe,” Laudna said. “If it keeps her safe, I will do anything.”
Delilah’s essence softened. “Child. You won’t be any good to her if you are dead.”
Laudna knows that’s partially true. Certainly, if she died, she wouldn’t be able to help her in the future. But Laudna also knew that she was a timebomb. A sleeper agent. A goddamn puppet. Wouldn’t Imogen be safer in the long run if she (and Delilah) were gone?
“And,”
Laudna felt a twinge of pain behind her eyes as Delilah spoke once again.
“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Her heart was squeezed with forceful beats and moments later she was back. The mage was gone. The Hells were safe, Fearne’s hands were on her chest, glowing with healing energy. Imogen knelt beside her, gloved hands clutching Laudna’s blouse frantically, breath hitching in sobs. Laudna let out a small cough which startled Imogen.
“God,
Laudna
,” Imogen leaned down to embrace her, taking several steadying breaths. “You’re okay.” She brushed several strands of hair from Laudna’s face. Always so gentle, Imogen. Always so lovely. “You’re
okay
.”
“Do you think… um…” Orym sat next to Chetney, of all people, on watch later that night. The gnome sat with his chisel, whittling away at a scrap of wood, making god knows what next for Fearne or Laudna.
“Do I think?” Chetney said, amused.
Orym laughed, a short exhale of breath. He glanced over his shoulders to see the rest of the party sleeping yards away. Definitely out of earshot. “Do you think there’s something up with Laudna?”
Chetney snorted. “Well yeah, she’s spooky as fuck. Charming, but fuckin’ weird. Why?”
Orym shrugged. “Like, I know she’s protective of Imogen, but that’s the second time recently that she’s full-on put herself in the path of danger to shield Imogen.”
“Keeps wasting spells, is what it’s doing,” Chetney grumbled.
“It’s like she wants to get hurt,” Orym mused. “Like she’s got a deathwish.”
Chetney said nothing, just raised his eyebrows knowingly.
“You agree, so what are we going to do about it?” Orym said.
“Hell if I know,” Chetney said. “Should we really do anything?”
Orym frowned. Chetney was probably right. This wasn’t something they needed to get involved with.
“I just don’t want either of them to get hurt.”
“Me either, did you see what Imogen did the other day?”
As Chetney trailed off into a chaotic retelling of their previous battles, Orym decided it was worth checking in with Laudna, just to make sure things were okay. Perhaps he was misreading the situation.
Things with Laudna were not okay. Delilah had been sending her nightmares night after night. She felt like she hadn’t gotten a good night's sleep in ages. The dreams were clip shows– only the lowlights, go figure— of the past 30 years, things she tried her damndest to not think about during the day.
FCG’s… episode. Dus–Yu’s heart wrenching deception. Imogen falling in battle. The gnarlrock incident. Being chased out of town after town, shelter after shelter, with blades and fire. And the tree. Of course the damn tree.
She was fraying. Irritable with her friends, snapping at Fearne and FCG for no good reason. Now she knew what Imogen felt like; plagued by nightmares. Laudna’s heart ached for her. She thought about confiding in Imogen, but when she would wake panicked and frantic in the middle of the night, she couldn’t bring herself to rouse her companion. Imogen just looked so peaceful.
“Let her sleep,” Delilah said, for once giving good advice. “You don’t want to add to her burdens do you? Give her more nightmares?”
As such, Laudna was exhausted. She wasn’t fighting well, and she was having trouble keeping up as the group traveled at its frantic pace from city to city. She saw Imogen’s growing concern, but she didn’t pry, probably because Laudna refused to bring it up, avoiding the subject entirely.
“Perhaps you should step away, dear,” Delilah said, rather gently. “Give yourself a break from this party of people and rest. Keep yourself safe. ”
“Why do you care?” Laudna muttered under her breath.
“ Darling, I’m tired too,” Delilah said. “Look, this whole thing will end sooner than later, you and I both know that. Why not preserve yourself?”
“They need me– Imogen needs me–”
“They don’t, though, do they?” Delilah said. “They’re stronger than you. Better fighters than you. You’re slowing them down.”
“I promised I’d keep her safe,” Laudna whispered, her fingers worrying a strand of hair.
“Promised who, dear?”
It happens twice more in rather quick succession. Laudna stepped in the path of a swooping roc, taking a talon to the chest and shoulder. There was so much black, sticky blood. Laudna went down. Not out though, Delilah made sure of that. A searing heat in her heart and she was dragged through ichorous muck back to life.
Imogen held her tightly, and Laudna felt useful for once. Delilah be damned. The hells did need her. Imogen did need her.
Orym, however, kept staring at her as if she were a puzzle he was trying to figure out. And one that he was particularly angry at. Why would he be angry with her? Surely he should be relieved that she was keeping Imogen safe, especially since he had just cast his vote for her as leader. She needed to stay alive, now more than ever. The hells need Imogen .
Orym corners her in a rare moment of solitude, while Fearne is conferring with Imogen about the moon.
“Laudna?” He asked, his voice soft but his expression carrying much the same puzzling anger as before. “What are you playing at?”
Laudna scoffed. “Playing? What, protecting Imogen? It’s not a game, Orym.”
The halfling sighed and pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose. “I think you know what I mean. Stop trying to die for her.”
Laudna narrowed her eyes, a rare flare of anger rising up in her stomach. Delilah hummed in amusement. “What, would you prefer Imogen to die?“ she spat. “Imogen is essential. I’m not letting her get hurt.”
Orym blinked, then shook his head and walked away.
“See, the sensible one agrees with me,” Delilah said. “Don’t be cross with him. You’re exhausted, dear.”
Laudna groaned in frustration and paced around the camp before settling down begrudgingly to sleep. Imogen wasn’t with her; Laudna glanced over to see Orym talking gently to her by the fire before she fell asleep.
Nobody woke her for watch that night. Likely, it was because they knew she needed sleep. Delilah said it was because they didn’t need her.
As if to prove her point, Imogen was distant. Distracted. Pulling away. Perhaps she had a nightmare (but why didn’t she tell me?). Maybe she had a lot on her mind. Laudna wished she would share with her— she just wanted to lighten Imogen’s burden. Take away some of the stress and bring light back to her eyes.
But she couldn’t seem to meet Imogen’s eyes.
That day they ran across a group of beasts? Demons? Gods only knew what kind of monstrosities they had found themselves fighting. Everyone was tired; whatever it was was wearing them down quickly. And once again, the brains of the pack of hellions decided Imogen was the biggest threat. Laudna wanted to scream at them to pick on someone their own size, like Cheney! The fucking werewolf, hello?! But she also had to admit that Imogen looked like a force to be reckoned with; sparks flying from her fingertips, eyes glowing white and an aura of pure energy hovering around her, waiting to be unleashed.
It wasn’t unleashed quick enough. Something pulled Imogen’s attention away. She wouldn’t have seen the beast coming toward her throat. Laudna did though. And Laudna’s throat was already fucked up anyway. What was a few more scars? The hellion tore into her neck with predatory aggression, ripping and tearing flesh from bone and cartilage. Laudna cursed it as she went down, hopefully giving it enough to think about to distract it from Imogen. Over the sound of her own blood spilling, she heard someone scream. Imogen? Or perhaps it was Delilah, finally meeting the permadeath she deserved. Laudna decided to believe the latter right before she died. For real this time probably.
Laudna woke up several times in the next few days. The first two times, the pain was so immense that she passed right back out again. The third time she tried to speak and realized she couldn’t.
“Stupid child,” Delilah hissed into her newly awake brain. “You almost didn’t come back. You should have listened— I tried to warn you.”
She seemed to be alone anyway, so she fell back to sleep, hoping the next awakening would be better.
And oh it was. Laudna awoke to Imogen sitting by her bedside. The girl looked incredibly somber, as if she had been crying for days. For the first time, Laudna felt a wave of guilt at being the reason for Imogen’s tears and felt a strong urge to bring a smile to her girl’s face.
“Im—Imogen,” she rasped, her voice barely above a whisper.
Imogen looked up, eyes equally hopeful and heartbroken.
“Are you okay darling?” Laudna struggled into a sitting position.
“Am I…” Imogen shook her head and made a confusing noise, a bitter laugh. “Laudna, what the hell?”
Laudna was confused. “Imogen, I don’t… are you–”
“Upset?” Imogen snapped. “Of course I’m upset, Laud!”
Laudna blinked, her heart and mind racing in panic. She had done something wrong, surely. Maybe she said something while she was unconscious. Maybe Imogen had gone down, and Laudna hadn’t been around to help her. She would fix it. She had to fix it.
“Imogen, are you hurt?” Laudna’s fingers wound around Imogen’s wrist, playing with the cloth of her sleeves nervously. “What’s happened? Talk to me?”
Imogen looked like she might begin crying again. She took several shaky breaths, focused on Laudna’s hands, but made no effort to meet it with her own hand.
“Why are you so worried about me,” Imogen began quietly. “When you’re the one that keeps dying?”
“Imogen,” Laudna said quietly. “I promised I would protect you, no matter what. I intend to keep that promise.”
“I didn’t ask you to do that.” Imogen’s voice was brittle and cold. Laudna suppressed a shutter.
“You didn’t need to ask.”
Imogen looked at her, heart breaking through her eyes. “Laud... I…” she started over. “My life isn’t worth any more than yours.”
“Of course it is,” Laudna said, as if it were the most obvious statement in the world. “Imogen, you’re… brilliant. So brilliant and so kind and so so dear to me.” She reached for Imogen’s hand and her heart ached as Imogen pulled away. “I have to keep you safe, don’t you see. You deserve the world , darling. I want to give you the world that I can never have.”
Imogen was silent for so long that Laudna began to believe she had fucked everything up for good. That’s it, Imogen would never talk to her again. It was too much, she came on too strong, and this was the straw that would break the only fragile relationship she had managed to piece together in the last 30 years.
“I don’t want the world unless you’re in it.”
Imogen’s eyes were still downcast, staring at her hands in her lap. She hadn’t spoken out loud but had spoken directly into Laudna’s mind. They were the only two in the room. No one else was around to hear them, and yet, Imogen spoke directly to her mind. Imogen’s voice was like a warm balm soothing an old scar; an always desperately needed reprieve from Delilah.
Laudna didn’t know what to say. That seemed ridiculous; the thought of Imogen preferring a world with her in it, rather than a world where she was free and alive and powerful.
“Laudna, every time you die, my world ends.” Imogen’s hands were shaking slightly, and Laudna wanted to reach out and steady them. She couldn’t handle Imogen pulling away once again, so she stayed still, heart rate rising ever-so-slightly.
God, she’s beautiful, Laudna couldn’t help but think. Imogen’s world was beautiful. There was no place for an undead monster there. Maybe Imogen doesn’t realize that yet, but soon she will. Two years has been a long time, and everyone always does.
“Never.”
Laudna startled slightly. Imogen had spoken aloud, her voice quiet but strong, kind but furious. She now met Laudna’s eyes with a feverish intensity.
“Laudna, I would never think that. Never. Do you hear me?” Imogen took her hands. “I know you hear me, but do you believe me?”
Laudna felt a jolt of fear that culminated with a dull pain at the base of her skull; a reminder, or perhaps a threat. The absence of that warm heartbeat she had felt when Delilah had broken the stone. Laudna wanted to pull her hands from Imogen’s grip, but she didn’t know if that thought was her own or came from someone else.
“I’ll try,” Laudna whispered. She let her hands rest in Imogen’s. “For you, darling, I’ll try.”
“Laud, I don’t want to leave you. Ever.” Imogen said fiercely. “I won’t leave you. So please, please. Don’t leave me.”
Laudna’s breath hitched, halfway to a sob. “Imogen…”
“Promise me,” Imogen whispered, her face mere inches from Laudna’s. “Just… please, stop trying to die for me. Promise me.”
Laudna thought about the last time she made a promise. How she didn’t think Imogen would ever trust her promises again. But here she was, asking for a promise. Laudna played with the ring on her finger absentmindedly.
“I promise.” Laudna’s voice was a broken whisper, a ghost. “I promise.” She leaned in to kiss Imogen’s forehead; a promise in and of itself.
Imogen let out a shaky laugh. “You are the most important thing in the world to me, you know that, right?”
“And you are mine, dearest.”
Imogen’s fingers brushed Laudna’s jaw, ever so lightly. She kissed Laudna’s cheek ever so gently, as if Laudna truly was the most precious thing in the world. Laudna closed her eyes and tried to believe her; tried to let go of the horrors in her head.
It seemed to work, for the next thing she heard in her head was a quiet request, one sweeter and more lovely than any she had ever heard.
“Laudna? Can I kiss you?”
Laudna’s sluggish heart stuttered. She thought she may have imagined it, but Imogen was looking at her with beautiful, hopeful eyes and a nervous smile. Her heart stuttered twice more. This was her own heartbeat, she was certain. Alive.
“Please.”
Imogen’s lips were soft; more gentle than she had ever imagined (had she imagined it??). Laudna wanted to be closer–never apart, not for one moment– and the kiss deepened.
Breaths in between were equal parts gasps of need and disbelief, and sighs of relief. And in between Laudna’s all-encompassing thoughts of Imogen… Imogen… Laudna realized that if she had died in the previous battles, died for real, she would have missed this.
If this was what being alive truly was, Laudna never ever wanted it to end.