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Chapter Text

Tally had never had trouble sleeping.

Growing up on the compound, her life was – generally – very peaceful. That wasn’t to say a matrifocal society was without any conflict, but Tally had never personally been kept up at night by the drama between the Talisa Thornhilland Meg Quickson over who was selling better produce at their local markets or which one of them was using better agricultural seeds for their crops.

The biggest stress she’d faced there was with her mother over choosing to answer the call. And even then, Tally had managed to sleep at night because she’d been at peace with her decision.

Ever since she’d stopped being a biddy, though, peaceful sleep had eluded her in some way or other.

“I didn’t know how good I had it,” she lamented to herself, just remembering at the last second to keep her voice down and not wake up Raelle or Abigail, as they’d suffered from her waking up far too much already.

She rucked up the soft, thin blanket and rolled onto her side, huffing out a breath as she shut her eyes and tried to fall back asleep. Even though, she knew from the last several weeks that it was a fruitless attempt. That even if she did manage to sleep more, it would be fitful at best.

The first four weeks or so after she’d stopped being a biddy, the dreams had focused primarily on Alder’s most harrowing war trials. Her biggest scares, worst injuries, most complicated choices.

Tally had wound up in the infirmary multiple times – once with burns from some giant caterpillar-worm-things, once with a stab wound that, thankfully, had just narrowly missed her kidney, and once because of a broken arm and dislocated shoulder combo, that had happened when she’d twisted violently out of her top bunk to avoid the knife being thrown at her in her/Alder’s dream/memory.

Those dreams had mostly faded, though. Sometimes, she would still wake with bruises or jump-scares… it wasn’t very restful, but there hadn’t been serious injuries in over a month, now.

She hadn’t expected that she would miss those dreams in some ways.

The thing now was that – it was all – so confusing? Alder had said it would fade, that the connection would get less intense.

Tally supposed that was true. She wasn’t intently feeling every strong feeling Alder had, anymore. Which – she didn’t think she missed that for the most part. It was nice to know that the feelings she felt were now all her own.

And it was definitely nice to know that there was no way Alder was feeling her feelings.

But she did still feel echoes of Alder. Not her thoughts and not even her big feelings, not really.

Just small things. Moments. Where Tally felt a tug in her chest or a light twist in her stomach or maybe the slightest tingle at the base of her spine, and she realized – Alder.

And that… well, that was kind of comforting, at this point. She’d settled into it.

The dreams, though. Now that she wasn’t having these big, violent explosions of dreams, she mostly got snippets and flashes. Emotions snapping through her, words being spoken to her, people’s faces in front of her – smiling or screaming or getting orders from her – and it was difficult.

And she’d never expected that it would be more difficult than the physically daunting dreams.

Because these ones interspersed with Tally’s own dreams, her own memories. The mental gymnastics it took – on a good day – to sort out and categorize what was happening in her own subconscious was completely and utterly exhausting.

Exhausting, disorienting, confusing, depleting. The list had started to build in the last few weeks in particular.

She’d tried to go to sleep when Abigail and Raelle had flipped the lights off two hours ago, after a long day of primarily hand-to-hand training exercises. And she’d nodded off…

Only to be thrown into snapshots of life, one after another. Some her own, some… actual dreams? She thought? Maybe? And some distinctly Alder’s memories. And then they’d done Tally’s least favorite thing; they’d started to morph.

The sounds, feelings, images, all blending together until Tally awoke from it, dazed and alarmed and tired. So, so tired.

Tonight had been one of the worst, and the images skated through her mind on a loop as she attempted to doze. Or really dozed? Sometimes, alarmingly, in the last week or so, she wasn’t quite sure.

She’d been running, through the fields of the compound, in her own childhood. Glory had been behind her, trying to keep up, while Tally had laughed. She’d reached behind her to take Glory’s hand in hers, and felt the summer solstice sun warm on her face, everything was good.

And then the sun was gone.

The moon hung high and foreboding in the sky, a full one, and it was cold, with Tally’s breath shivering out of her, visible in the night air. So cold, there was snow on the ground. And she was no longer wearing the sustainable shoes her mother insisted she wear in the fields during crop season and the pretty yellow dress her mother had bought her as she’d told Tally the solstice was her holiday, because the sun shined just as bright as Tally’s smile and now her dress matched.

Instead, she was barefoot and the balls, heels, and toes of her feet ached wherever they weren’t already numb, and she thought they might be bleeding as she ran, the material of her nightgown a denser, more worn fabric that felt like it was weighing her down, inhibiting her from running as fast as she could.

And Glory was no longer behind her, but instead, she clasped a different hand. She couldn’t laugh, anymore, she wasn’t sure she’d ever laugh again, swamped with the terror and anguish crushing her chest.

“Come, Abigail, we must go faster. We cannot stop.”

She wasn’t speaking English, she didn’t even think this was the Mothertongue; they hadn’t studied it enough for Tally to be so smooth in full sentences yet. But she could feel the words on her own lips, regardless of what this language was.

“I can’t,” came the desolate, crying, breathless voice spoke the same language that Tally didn’t know but Alder must speak. The torment in her voice cracked something deep in Tally’s – Alder’s – chest, right in her already fractured heart. The girl’s hand that she held so desperately clutched back so tight, her steps slowing. “Sarah, I can’t.”

And she felt herself stop moving, able but unwilling to go any further without the girl behind her. She couldn’t leave her. She wouldn’t leave her; she would die here, trying to protect her before she left.

In her mind’s eye, she could see Alder’s mother and the terrified look on her face, as she yelled for them to run, flames already burning up the wooden wall behind her, as her father’s muted screams burned through her. And it was Alder’s mother, she could see it, but she also felt it. The aching loss like she was her own, burning through her whole body.

That face morphed, then, into Tally’s actual own mother, as if she was standing in the flames, and the pain inside of her doubled. Then the face shifted back and then back again, and then –

Tally jerked awake again from the same dream that had plagued her the first time she’d tried to rest, tonight. She was gasping for air, and could feel the tears streaming over her cheeks, and she felt more drained now than she had when she’d gone to sleep in the first place.

It was surreal. It was maddening and frustrating. It was emotionally and mentally gruelling, and she slammed both of her fists into her bed, before she rolled out from under her blanket, and hopped out of bed.

That dream – that had been the worst of them, yet.

What in the world did Alder mean that this would all get easier? Because it wasn’t. And Tally… she deserved to know. She deserved answers. She did.

Setting her jaw, she barely remembered to slip on shoes before shutting their door behind her, and storming down the hall, still dazed and exhausted and frustrated and confused. And she followed that feeling right out of her dorm, not even pausing as the shock of the chill early-November air in the middle of the night hit her.

She’d tried physically exhausting herself. Last week, she’d stayed up an extra two hours, running through all of their hand-to-hand drills, before running two miles. She couldn’t have moved more if she’d tried.

And she still hadn’t gotten more than consecutive three hours of sleep. She was in her second year of War College; her body was exhausted every night.

It was her mind that was draining her. It was – she had no idea how to quantify what she was seeing or who these people were or the timeline of events, and it made her feel jumbled, all of the time.

Because, the thing was, it wasn’t really her mind, was it? She felt like she was doing a juggling act every night, between her life and Alder’s, and –

She stopped short when she reached Alder’s office door, her heart still pounding in her chest. From her dream – or Alder’s memory? – and the emotions clouding her judgement and…

Wait.

Tally frowned. Was this a dream? That had happened before, now, too. When she was so utterly depleted, her dream had taken on this life-like haze.

Goddess, she was exhausted, and her subconscious or conscious or whatever was in control right now led her here, and she didn’t even care because she needed to know.

Taking in a deep breath, she pounded on Alder’s door. Then – screw it? Maybe it was a dream! She opened it without waiting.

“Has this happened, before? I just – I have to know. Tell me the truth. Please. You said that becoming un-biddied was so rare, but did this happen?” She gestured to her head vaguely, before coming to a complete stop.

And then stared. Unblinking, as those whirling thoughts in her head slowed just a bit, clarity edging into her slightly exhaustion-induced hysteria.

Because… Alder was leaning back in her chair, the fire roaring warmly behind her, with a glass of whiskey delicately yet firmly balanced in her fingertips, and –

“Your hair is down,” she could hear the wonder echo faintly through her own words.

She’d never seen Alder’s hair down. Not even in her brief stint as a biddy.

Alder arched an eyebrow at her before placing her glass on the desk, leaning forward so she was sitting with her typical military-perfect posture. “It often is, both when it’s the middle of the night and when no one has been invited into my office.”

Tally blushed. “I mean – I – yeah.” She cleared her throat, forcing herself to stand at attention with her hands clasped behind her back to stop herself from fidgeting. “I’m sorry, General. I didn’t really mean to…”

“You mean, you didn’t mean to barge into my office, uninvited and unprompted, at nearly two o’clock in the morning, wearing what appears to be your pajamas with combat boots?” Alder’s voice was cool and unreadable, as she slowly ran her eyes from the top of Tally’s head, right down her body, to said combat boots, and back, before arching a questioning eyebrow at her.

And Tally’s stomach flip-flopped at the look, because – yeah, she definitely hadn’t thought this through at all. Because she was still in her sleep shorts and gray t-shirt that had been worn a bit thin, her hair most definitely tousled from her tossing and turning.

She was certainly not in any shape that someone should be seeking an audience with the General of the Army.

Let alone the fact that Alder was still in uniform, this late. Hair down, uniform unbuttoned, though, which… Tally swallowed thickly.

That feeling, the one of helplessness and not knowing just what was real or not real – the lines of her reality and Alder’s memories and her own dreams all blurring – edged through her again, just a bit.

Because her being in Alder’s office this late, when Alder wasn’t in her immaculately done-up uniform…

She was certain her distress was written all over her blushing face, as it was so strong in her chest. “I don’t even know for sure if this is a dream or not,” she admitted, her voice quiet.

Alder’s face – previously fairly unreadable, though Tally had gotten better at reading her ever since she’d been a biddy, especially given their connection, however limited – shifted, softening a bit, into a look of concern. “You are most certainly awake, Craven. Are you still not sleeping? Have you incurred any injuries since the last? No one has told me anything of you in the infirmary.”

That comment knocked into Tally, lodging right into the forefront of her mind. “You check to see if I’m in the infirmary?”

Alder cleared her throat. “I’ve asked to be notified, yes. It seems the wise thing to do when the cause is my own doing.”

“Oh. Well, that’s – I mean.” Tally bit her lip against the slight smile that threatened, as she shook her head. “No, I’m not experiencing any injuries. Not really. Just bruises or little minor things.”

Alder’s watchful gaze remained on her, as if she could see everything Tally thought or felt – at least, that’s how intense it seemed, anyway – as she nodded.

Tense, Tally twisted her fingers into the hem of her shirt behind her back, clearing her throat. “Am I going to be in any sort of trouble for coming in here? Because if I am, could you tell me now? Please?”

“I’ve had people demoted, demerited, and one time, court-martialled for less,” Alder tapped her long fingers on her glass thoughtfully as she spoke. Before there was just the slightest hint of a lightness on her face that told Tally she wasn’t actually threatening her with those things, and the relief that washed through Tally’s body was unreal. “However, you aren’t exactly any other person on this base. And I understand that you’re experiencing something very unique that is,” she lifted her eyebrows, carefully looking over Tally’s face, then drawing down her body again. “Clearly troubling you.”

And even though she knew Alder was definitely only making a point regarding the state of Tally’s dress, she felt her stomach squirm a bit at the look, again.

“Cadet Craven, sit. Please.” Alder gestured at one of the chairs opposite her desk, and she gratefully sunk into one, because without the fire that had carried her here, her legs felt far more Jell-O-like. “Can you elaborate on what exactly you were talking about when you entered?”

Tally clasped her hands over her knees, tightly, before she took in a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment to gather herself. “When I stopped being a biddy, you said it was a very rare experience. How… rare?”

A thoughtful look moved over Alder’s face. “Very. Only once, before you. Forty years ago… Grace was not prepared, in spite of having had the biddy preparation.”

Grace… Tally frowned. She could swear she could picture her, somewhere in her mind’s eye, from a memory that wasn’t quite hers, that wasn’t even quite clear. From a memory that would keep her up at night, with her mind trying to figure out just who she was.

“What happened to Grace?” She had to know. How had someone else gotten through this?

Alder intertwined her fingers, resting them on her desk. Looking for all the world like she was contemplating exactly how much she was willing to tell Tally. She braced herself for it, for the non-answers that Alder was so good at.

But then, she sighed, softly, before, “It was taking a detrimental toll on her mental health, to the point that it was affecting others. The other biddies. Myself. She was scattered and miserable, unsettled, disoriented And it became very clear that it was not a temporary adjustment period; that she was not going to be able to cope.”

Tally’s mouth fell open in surprise. Then she forced it closed, but it was just – she honestly hadn’t expected Alder to be so forthcoming about the details. Another embarrassed feeling clawed at her, only moments later, and, “I – I have to ask. Again. But, I wasn’t – was I like that? I know I wasn’t prepared, but I tried–”

“Craven, no,” Alder’s voice was gentle with her in that moment in a way it hadn’t been since those few days when they’d been connected. After Tally had made her sacrifice that didn’t necessarily feel like a sacrifice, even now. “I told you then – it wasn’t because you weren’t good enough.”

Tally nodded outwardly even as she couldn’t quite believe it, gaze falling to her lap.

“Craven,” Alder’s voice was firm enough to make Tally look up at her, but not so much that it made Tally get that distinct feeling of trouble. “You did exceptionally well in your days as my biddy, even without any preparation. Singularly well, in fact, I…” She pursed her lips, seeming to bite back whatever may have come out, only to say, “You did very well.”

Tally latched onto it, though. “In fact, you…?”

Alder reached down and picked up her whiskey, sipping again, as she shook her head. “You may still be experiencing side effects or questioning yourself, but it will get easier. It must; everything on this earth is temporary.”

“Except you,” the words slipped out before she could stop them, an unfortunate connection of Tally’s direct link of brain-to-mouth lack of filter.

Alder bit out a sharp laugh, her eyes crinkling with it in a way Tally wasn’t sure she’d ever seen. “Except for me.”

That laugh and the certainty in her it will get easier soothed a part of Tally, though. She wouldn’t have changed her mind about taking back the biddy link, once learning that Rae and Abi were still alive, even knowing that this could be the result. She’d have to live with being potentially one of the worst biddies ever to exist and for the shortest amount of time, and she’d gladly do it if it meant she got to keep her sisters.

But it was still nice to hear. Even if…

“How do you know?” The well of uncertainty she felt like she was living in every night needled her into asking. “If this has only happened once before, how do you know it’ll get easier? Did Grace, the other biddy who didn’t, um, stay biddied – did she experience these side-effects, too?”

Alder stared down into her whiskey, clearly reminiscent of the past, before she admitted, “I don’t believe so, no. She went back to living her life on base. She was a bit timid around seeing me and the other biddies around campus for a little while, perhaps a little embarrassed. It’s a big change, as you know. But, no. She never reported anything.” Alder’s gaze snapped back to Tally, and she felt arrested with it. Unable to move from the spot. “What exactly are you experiencing now?”

Goddess, it felt confusing to even try to explain aloud, and Tally rubbed roughly at her temple, feeling on the spot. Feeling like she didn’t want to seem crazy, especially to Alder. “I… I can’t sleep. Not really. And it’s not because of your war memories, either, which were their own brand of difficult to deal with, but at least when I was having those dreams, I knew what they were. I knew I was experiencing those vivid memories from you. I wasn’t – I could process them?”

She frowned, taking in a deep breath, before it leaked out of her, taking whatever she had left in her good posture with it, feeling as though she melted into the chair, her voice barely above a whisper with the feelings – the confusion, the exhaustion, the certainty that she was doing something wrong – swirling through her. “Now, I just don’t know. I don’t know what’s really me or really you, what’s a dream, what’s a memory. And I’m so tired,” she confessed, her voice cracking under the weight of it. “I’m so tired, from trying to constantly figure it all out and process it.”

When she brought her gaze back to Alder, she didn’t know what to expect. It wasn’t the deep frown, clearly marred with concern, a certain kind of sympathy, though, as Alder watched her closely.

“I think – I think maybe I know what could potentially help but…” She offered, before trailing off, already well aware that she’d overstepped tonight. And that maybe she shouldn’t be pushing her luck any more.

“Speak freely, Craven. It is only you and I, in here.” Alder spoke in smooth, soft tones, as she sat back in her desk chair once more, relaxed. “Even the biddies are asleep.”

Tally’s breath caught in her throat at the image she made, at the fire crackling, throwing a soft light on Alder’s features, at her words. Goddess. If her teenage self, with Alder’s poster on the wall and biographies hidden in her bedside table from her mother, could see her right now – in Sarah Alder’s office in the middle of the night, while Alder’s hair was down and free and luxuriously wavy over her shoulders, as she sipped on whiskey next to the warmth of the fire…

Well, Tally wasn’t positive she would have survived.

Good thing she’d grown. Right.

“I think it would be easier if I could talk about it. With you?” Tally hedged, before leaning into the idea with more verve. Because she had thought about this quite a bit.

“The best nights of sleep that I get are nights when I understand who I’m with or what we’re doing – er, I guess I should say, who you’re with and what you’re doing? I just mean… when everything makes sense, I can slip into it. I can go along with it all, like it’s a part of my own dreams or my own memories. I just – you have a lot of life you’ve lived that I don’t have any clue about accessing.”

Tally would know; she’d scoured the library for books or articles on Alder that she might have overlooked, before.

She had no idea what to make of the look on Alder’s face, though, and she was too anxious to dive into it before she actually finished. “I have this notebook that I write down the dreams in, to try and sort out what’s happening, to help me figure out how to process what I’m seeing. So I just think, if I could talk to you, about who the people are or what situations are going on… but – I’m not sure I can? If that’s allowed?”

She finally let her gaze land back on Alder, heart beating a bit too fast with the anxiety of whatever Alder might say back.

And she didn’t say anything back for a few moments, before her eyebrows inched up. “I don’t think there are quite clear rules for this, admittedly.”

Tally leaned back in her own chair as Alder pushed herself up, walking around her desk to pour whiskey into a second tumbler. She tracked every movement with her eyes, still finding it a bit surreal that she was sitting in here, that she’d allowed herself to follow her frustration and confusion and questions right to the source. There had been several nights that she’d wanted to do this, but her common sense had stopped her every time.

Alder turned, leaning herself against her desk as she handed Tally the glass, just tips of their fingers brushing. Tally swallowed hard at the buzz that started so easily in her hand.

“This entire situation, between you and I, is unprecedented. You volunteering to be a biddy in the field, forging such a deep bond between you and I – mentally – in such a short time, reversing the process… none of this is typical; you are quite an atypical cadet. I’ve discussed you with Izadora–”

“You’ve discussed me with Izadora?”

Alder looked a bit surprised, as if she hadn’t quite realized she’d spoke that aloud, before she schooled her features again. She coughed lightly. “Of course. Given the situation, it seemed prudent. And we believe, perhaps, given your rather rare and powerful Sight, you are able to see deeper, see more into my psyche than Grace did. Than even my normal biddies do, with how much you experience the moments.”

Tally worked very hard to not let herself preen under Alder’s praise of rare and powerful. If she needed anything to wake her up, she supposed that worked. She wished she could store that for the future.

“All this to be said, I think it would be perfectly understandable, perhaps even sensible, to review what is keeping you up at night.” She aimed a careful look at Tally, “Contrary to what people may say about me, I do not wish to see people suffer.”

“I don’t think that,” she was quick to say.

Alder shot her an amused look that was somehow mirthless all in one. There wasn’t a person in the literal world that Tally believed could hold the same complexity in a simple expression. It happened a lot with Alder, she’d taken to noticing ever since being a biddy. Since seeing beneath the exterior.

An exterior she’d ardently admired – maybe even worshipped – to distrusting and finding her cold, to seeing all of the layers underneath. Or, a lot of them. Tally wouldn’t even be naïve to say she saw all of what Alder was, under everything, even with her dreams.

“You don’t have to take back the words you’ve said or beliefs you’ve held about me, Craven. You expressed them on the mission for the Tarim, and I maintain that I do not owe explanations, so… you – and everyone else in this community, in the world – are entitled to your thoughts as to who I am as a person.”

“You did give me an explanation, though,” the words slipped from her, as she thought about Alder’s somewhat impassioned – and eye-opening, if Tally was being honest – account of her life and why she’d done things she’d done in the cave.

An explanation that pushed Tally into making the offer of becoming a biddy… maybe she would have done it, either way, honestly? She didn’t know. She’d never know.

Alder bit the inside of her cheek before she crossed her arms over her chest. “I suppose I did.” And that was all she gave, before, “My point is, Craven, you can think of me however you’d like to; but I will be honest with you, especially about this. I don’t wish for any witches to suffer.” She hesitated before softly adding, “You, even less than most.”

Tally swore her heart thumped in her chest a bit too warm and heavy at the words. Thump-thump. “Me?”

That small smile pulled at Alder’s lips again. “Yes, you. A very bold, very selfless, very talented young witch… who volunteered her life for mine, to great personal detriment and risk. Suffice it to say, you are a more welcome guest in my office than many. And should it assist you in something that appears to be ailing you more than a little bit, we can talk about it.”

There was a feeling that ballooned in Tally’s chest – hope that it would actually help her, amazement that Alder had agreed, and even a thrill of excitement, at the fact that she was going to be able to talk about these thoughts, these memories with Alder herself – and she grinned, widely.

“Now, are you going to drink the whiskey?” Alder gestured to the glass Tally held that remained untouched by her lips. “I can promise you that good alcohol is also an assistance when it comes to sleeping.”

“I’m not sure that’s really a healthy coping mechanism,” she quipped, looking down at the amber liquid.  

Alder drew up a single eyebrow. “Perhaps not. But it’s true.”

Tally – she’d had wine, a little bit of beer, the special punch the other girls on the compound used to make, and whatever concoction Abigail was able to come up with that tasted so sweet it barely tasted like liquor. But never whiskey, and certainly not one of the expensive ones she was positive Alder drank.

Still, she brought the glass up to her lips, flushing under the observant gaze trained on her.

Sipped.

Then grimaced at the burn in her throat, managing to hold in a cough.

“It’s good,” she choked out.

Alder’s laugh was low and rich and Tally almost choked again at the sound of it flowing so freely from her lips.

“Give me the glass, Craven.”

She reached out for it, but Tally kept her fingers clasped around the tumbler. “No. I’m going to finish it; I’ve heard it’s good for sleep.”

Alder’s eyebrows notched up, a look that was distinctly impressed moving over her face. “Very well, then.”

Tally took another deep breath before she sipped again. It still burned. She still didn’t cough.

There was a small smile tugging on Alder’s lips as she shook her head. “I appreciate someone with something to prove.”

She sipped again, before the words fell out, “I’m really nothing if not eager to please.”

Her cheeks went pink as she registered the words – strong whiskey and no sleep, and Tally’s overall general lack of filter… a bad combination.

She appreciated Alder not laughing, though. Merely giving Tally a long look, before she turned and made to sit on her side of the desk, again. “Finish that glass, get back to bed, and you may return with your notebook tomorrow night after dinner.”

//

Okay.

She was going to Alder’s office tonight.

It was no big deal. It was basically the same thing as last night… only, Tally had plans to go there, she was invited in, to talk about Alder’s past and memories and details of her life that she, presumably, hadn’t discussed in a long time.

No big deal. Normal stuff.

She’d received a totally normal note, inconspicuously handed to her by Alder when she’d walked by Tally earlier that read simply –

Cadet Craven,

I’ve a meeting with the Hague this evening at 1930. I should be available by 2200.

General Alder

She hadn’t been expecting it, honestly. Alder had nodded at her the same as she’d nodded at a few other cadets she’d passed in the corridor. There had been nothing on her face that led on that she’d seen Tally in the middle of the night in her pajamas or given her a glass of whiskey that she’d watched her choke it down while looking as if she was going to laugh at any moment.

But as she’d walked by she’d slyly reached out, handed Tally the folded paper, and continued on her way, followed by her parade of biddies.

She was nervous and excited and she frowned at herself in the mirror.

“Are you going on a date tonight or something?” Raelle asked from where she lay in her bunk, just as Abigail came out of the bathroom.

“Tally’s going on a date?” Her volume significantly increased as she stared. Then, as she frowned. “You’re going on a first date and you’re wearing your tac pants?”

“I’m not going on a date!” She whipped around from the mirror, damning her blush.

“Well, where else are you going at almost ten at night?” Raelle arched an eyebrow at her as she pointed out, “You’ve been standing there fussing with your shirt for the last ten minutes. Normally by this time during a night before we have training, you’re just getting ready for bed.”

“Who is he? She? They?” Abigail cut in as she pulled on her own pajamas.

“No one!”

Tally had looked herself over in the mirror for the last ten minutes, questioning if she should be wearing her full uniform. She definitely wasn’t going back in her sleep clothes, that was for certain. And her tactical pants and long-sleeved black shirt was her usual casual wear, so she thought it was appropriate.

Then again, Alder never wore casual clothing. So…

A pillow hit her in the chest, bringing her back to herself, and she whipped her head up to look at Abigail. Who was giving her a satisfied look as she crossed her arms.

Raelle’s voice got her attention, though, “Does this have anything to do with where you were last night?”

“Where you were last night? Where were you last night?” Abigail’s mouth fell open, as she looked between them. “Tally Craven!”

She groaned, covering her face with her hands. “I was only gone for like, an hour! You were out like a light before I left!”

“I got up to pee, and noticed your bunk was empty,” Raelle arched an eyebrow at her.

“And you waited until now to say something?! Shitbird,” Abigail accused, before throwing her other pillow to hit Raelle, before swiftly turning back to Tally. “You’re going to hold out on the details when you know all about our love lives?! What in the name of the Mother is that?” She demanded. “What gives? Oh, Goddess. Who is it? If it’s anyone in the Freyja Coven, I will kill you.”

Ever since they’d been paired against the Freyja Coven two months ago in their field training exercises, Abigail had declared them essentially her nemeses. Mostly because they were the only people who came close to beating them.

“It’s not! I’m not dating anyone.” She had to take a deep breath, holding it, before she admitted quietly. “I’m going to see Alder. To talk about my dreams. That’s it.”

And she braced herself, because she knew what was coming.

“Alder?!” They both shouted. Raelle with laughter, Abigail with skepticism.

“She just came to check on me,” Rae somewhat imitated, from Tally’s stint in the infirmary after her de-biddying. “It’s not a big deal.”

“It wasn’t!” She denied, her cheeks burning hotter. “We’re going to talk about my dreams, you know, her memories that keep me up at night? That’s it. She offered, to try to help me.”

“Riiight,” Abigail drawled. “It’s so like Alder, to take late-night altruistic visits with cadets.”

But – Alder herself had said it last night. Tally wasn’t just any cadet to her, anymore. Not after the biddy process and the connection since. It wasn’t – it didn’t mean anything, yet somehow it did. Tally didn’t quite understand it, herself. They weren’t nothing to one another, but they weren’t quite something.

It was… weird.

Somehow, though, she didn’t think that would do her any favors right now.

“I have to go or I’m going to be late.”

“Late to see the woman of her dreams!” Raelle added, chuckling as she flopped back down on the bed, but only after accepting Abigail’s high-five.

“I’m leaving!” She shouted over their laughter, pulling the door shut behind her.

She was glad it was a decent walk to Alder’s office, though, so that she could be sure her cheeks weren’t on fire by the time she arrived.

Whatever. So what if she’d had a tiny dash of hero worship for Alder when she’d arrived at Basic? And so what if she’d waxed on about it to Raelle and Abigail when they’d all gotten drunk together last year?

She was less naïve now; that much was absolutely true. She was definitely not the same person who had arrived for Basic last year.

Tally stopped in front of Alder’s office door, resting her hand on the doorknob. This was really happening. She was basically given carte blanche to hang out with Sarah Alder, in her office, after hours, and ask her all about her life. Regardless of the fact that it was only happening because Tally was exhausted to the verge of deteriorating, it was pretty cool.

She nodded to herself and readjusted her hold on the notebook, before walking in – and then paused, losing some of her bluster. Somehow, seeing Alder at her desk chin resting in her palm, watchful eyes trained on Tally, entirely unsurprised at her entrance, unlike last night.

“I see you’ve forgone knocking altogether, now,” Alder’s voice was unreadable as she slowly stood and walked to pour herself a drink from her bar cart.  

Tally froze. Shit, okay, wrong choice. “I just thought – I mean, you didn’t punish me last night, and that was when I didn’t have a written invitation.”

She almost wished she brought the little slip of paper she’d been given earlier. Which she still had, tucked into her journal.

She relaxed as Alder faced her with a scoff. “Fair enough.” She arched an eyebrow. “Come in, but – always remember to shut the door behind you.” She took a sip of her whiskey, pulling a face, “Unexpected visitors are truly the worst, usually.”

Usually. Tally felt that little pleased bubble slide right through her, easing some of her nerves. Some. On the other hand, it bolstered her excitement, which – she wasn’t sure she needed more of, since she felt pretty damn bouncy right now. She quickly shut the door.

Alder shot her a look that Tally thought might count as… teasing? “I would offer you some, but you didn’t quite manage to hide your grimace last night.”

“Considering it was my first time having it, I think I did all right.”

A small smile played on Alder’s mouth as she nodded. “So you did.” She sipped as she walked slowly back behind her desk, sitting in her chair.

Her hair was up tonight, still. Tally wished it was down again; something about it made Alder seem so much more – approachable. It made Tally feel less like she was doing this for some sort of school project.

Then again, maybe that was the point, she thought as she sat in the same seat she’d been in last night, opposite Alder’s desk.

“Aged liquors are one of humankinds finest inventions.” Alder lifted the glass up to reflect in the dimmed lighting of the office.

Tally snorted, “I remember you feeling that way from when I was a biddy.”

She expected a reproachful look, and wasn’t disappointed, though Alder’s gaze wasn’t entirely disparaging. “Luckily for me, I have the alcohol tolerance of myself and seven others.”

“It would probably be pretty funny to see you drunk,” the words slipped out before Tally totally thought them through, and she inwardly groaned at herself. Regardless of how true they were.

Alder surprised her again, though, as she hummed thoughtfully under her breath. “There was once a dare I lost in 1897 that resulted in a bit of drunken debauchery around the campus.” She aimed a knowing look at Tally, “Just in case you’ve dreamed of that and written it somewhere in your notebook.”

Tally’s mouth fell open, a shocked delight moving through her. “I mean, I might be tempted to put it in there, now.”

Alder shook her head lightly before taking a sip.

And Tally did what she did so well to fill moments of silence. “My first drink was when I was sixteen; a fruit cider made from apples and pears that the older girls made on the compound one summer, even though all of our moms were really against it. You know. Pretty into clean living kinda stuff, and definitely not into underage drinking. Which makes sense, for sure, but there were a few girls going to college – they aren’t witches,” she felt the need to add on. Just in case. “And, you know, we were all pretty close, when you grow up in that environment in the same age range. So they invited us out into the woods behind the compound and we just hung out and tried the cider.” She wrinkled her nose. “It wasn’t that good, honestly, but it was fun. Until a herd of moms came and found us. That wasn’t as fun.”

She laughed at the memory, the chuckle turning a bit awkward as she fully realized the word-vomit that had just erupted, unthinkingly.

She didn’t look at Alder, drawing her legs up under herself and, instead staring down at her notebook in her lap. “Um. Anyway. Maybe we should talk less about me, and more about…” she trailed off, knocking her knuckles against the cover.

Only, her fingers froze as she went to open it because… was she really just able to do this? Ask Alder about everything she’d seen, heard, experienced in her centuries of thoughts and memories?

“It’s nothing I haven’t experienced before,” Alder had goaded her into starting, clearly sensing her hold up. “Unless you’d rather not?”

“No! I do. You’re right.” Tally muttered nonsensically under her breath, “I guess we’ll just start chronologically…” She bit her lip, tracing her fingertip over her own hastily written words, nodding to herself. A once in a lifetime opportunity, here.

She quickly reread her own dream journal, and the questions easily came rushing in –

“Can you tell me about the first version of Fort Salem?” She dug her teeth into her bottom lip, vividly remembering this dream. Because it had morphed into Tally’s own first days at school, switching between the school systems she’d gone into, with her teachers, into her first experiences at Fort Salem, each of her own memories cracking at the edges, bleeding into images of Fort Salem like she’d never really known, other than a brief picture in a history book. “Like, the first buildings – the first form it took, and the witches who helped you? Oh, and when the first fosterlings start to stay here, and where their wing was, originally. Because, I think? I saw in that it was originally on the east side of campus?”

She finally took a breath, blushing as she glanced up at Alder, who was watching her intently. Her eyebrows were raised, but there was a lightness to her features. As if she was surprised, but maybe not in a negative way.

“Not quite what I’d imagined you to ask.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Quite the contrary.” Alder took a deep breath, sitting forward. “Let’s get to it, then.”

//

Tally had really not known what to expect from this.

She hadn’t known how much Alder was going to let her ask, how many days she was going to be allowed this privilege.

At the end of her second night, she’d only started to leave Alder’s office when her eyelids drooped so heavily – she’d been in close-quarters training for two hours that afternoon – she could hardly keep them open.

“Dismissed, Craven,” Alder had said at the end of her recounting one of the final SNAFUs she’d ran into upon the construction of Fort Salem.

The order had made Tally’s eyes snap open from when they’d grown so heavy, but unlike the way that order typically sounded when Alder spoke it, it was soft? Firmly stated, but there was no biting order behind it.

She’d clutched her notebook closely, heading toward the door… but had paused when her hand fell on the knob, and she’d turned around. “I really appreciate this, just so you know. I know you didn’t have to do this, but – it was really interesting.”

“You listened to me discuss the construction of a military base for two hours,” Alder drawled, eyebrows raised. “You most certainly have uncommon definitions of fun.”

Tally shrugged, grinning sheepishly. “It’s not the first time I’ve been told that.”

Alder’s lips tugged into the smallest smile.

And it made Tally’s heart beat just a little faster, and she didn’t yet know if this would help her sleep, but she didn’t want this to be done, and, “Can I come back? Sometime? I know you’re busy, obviously. But, just, sometimes? When you’re free?”

That intense, burning blue gaze stayed on her. “I didn’t assume this would be done in a single night; if you’d like to return on, say, Thursday night?”

Her small grin instead turned into a full-on beam. “Great! Thank you. I… I’ll see you then?” She’d twisted the knob, still facing Alder, who was still watching her. “Goodnight.”

“Sleep well, Craven.”

She definitely didn’t expect to be invited back to ask Alder questions, repeatedly. Three times, on the second week. She didn’t expect Alder to be so… captivating, on every subject. Both factual and emotional, even, the cadences of her voice utterly riveting.

But by the third week, Alder trailed her eyes over Tally’s very full notebook, as they’d really only gotten through nine pages of thoughts and scribbles and halted memories. “You do, indeed, have a lot of questions.”

“You’ve lived a lot of life,” Tally countered.

“So be it,” Alder allowed with a small smile, and seemed… happy to continue, almost. She wasn’t going to look too much into it. If Alder was going to invite her back, Tally wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

And as their nights rolled into weeks, she looked forward to being able to hear all of these stories about Alder’s life more than the actual goal of getting to sleep. Which, was a bonus for sure, but… she was seeing behind the curtain.

Their meetings were sometimes planned in advance or sometimes, Alder would slip her a note, again.

I realize we didn’t discuss you returning to talk tonight, but you said last night you’d been sleeping very fitfully this week.

My night is quite clear after 2000hrs if you’d like to review, tonight. And in response to the question you murmured to yourself last night – the biddies are finding their early evenings in which they can retire whenever they’d like quite relaxing, actually.

Alder

“You’re sick,” Raelle had groaned, before playfully pushing Tally’s shoulder when she left for the night after carefully tucking her note away, before she’d stuck her tongue out and left.

She could take the bit of teasing she got hit with from her sisters – and she did – because it was so worth it. It easily started to feel like one of the most worth it things Tally had ever done.

Alder was always detailed and alive, the sound of her voice sliding over Tally in soothing tones, while she filled in bits and pieces that Tally’s mind soaked up, on any topic Tally brought up.

And she most definitely hadn’t expected Alder to be so… forthcoming. But she was –

“Yes, the… incident with the senator left much to be desired that evening.” She’d chuckled quietly to herself, linking her fingers over her stomach as she’d reclined in her chair. “After that night, though, you can believe she did not question the potential dangers of salva, again.”

And, “Actually, no. That must be something superimposed from your own life; that’s never happened during Samhain, for me. I don’t often partake in the event, to be honest. I – I have lost many, over the years. And there comes a time where sometimes it is better to not rely on calling anyone, at all.” She cleared her throat, her eyes narrowing slightly as she focused her gaze on her desk, setting her jaw in a way that Tally had come to start to recognize. It was the slightest tightening there, her cheekbones cutting across her face in such a sharp, exquisite light. “There are sometimes moments of particular longing to see a dear one, I admit. But I mainly partake in Samhain for the biddies. They debate amongst themselves who we will summon on the holiday.”

And, “That bit you have, there, in that timeline, is incorrect. I interrogated the Knower from Prussia, and afterwards, I was held captive on an island just north, in the Baltic Sea for two weeks, the incidents months apart,” a pause, before she actually cackled. “And no, she did not look like General Bellweather. That is most certainly from your own memories.”

And, “No, the fosterlings did not originally stay here, you’re correct. I’m sorry, did you just ask if I started it after witnessing a daddy daycare? What in the Goddess-forsaken name of the Mother–” She’d cut off her swearing as Tally laughed, unstoppably, at the baffled look on her face. “No. Whatever… that situation you are speaking about is your own machination,” she’d given Tally a disbelieving look, as if she was on the verge of laughing at her, though. “The fosterlings did not stay at Fort Salem until 1910.” Her eyebrows drew down, the laughter gone. “After the World War, we’d lost many witches, and so many young were left without their mothers. Without anyone to guide them into the beginnings of their Work. Without…” She cleared her throat, before delving into whatever heavy thoughts clearly laden down her mind. “So, that is when I built the ward for the fosterlings.”

She hadn’t expected Alder to be so free with her lighter moments, either. The rich laughter that spilled intoxicatingly out of her – so foreign to the person she was, in the light of day – was exactly that. Intoxicating. It no longer surprised her to hear it.

“That would be Marielle,” a chuckle broke from Alder’s lips, “The woman was perhaps the most unfortunate hand-to-hand woman to ever be under my personal command; I didn’t even know a witch could have such poor hand-eye coordination until seeing her with a scourge in action. There was certainly a deep-seated fear of… should we call it friendly fire?”

And in one particularly illuminating evening, she’d reviewed the name and description of every single biddy she’d ever had, in chronological order, and Tally had finally been able to piece together the women whose lives she’d seen snippets into, who she felt she understood, but could never place.

Still, though, she picked and chose what to delve into. There were dreams – memories – that were more intense, more emotional, more… more. And there was a part of her that was worried about crossing some sort of line that would put an end to these nights. Because they very easily came to mean something to her.

The nights that began with her sitting on the other side of Alder’s desk, while Alder sat on the other side, and ended typically after midnight, with Tally suppressing yawns because even though physically she was tired, she wanted to hear more.

That was typically how their nights drew to a natural end. Where Tally would yawn so widely, her jaw would crack and she couldn’t suppress it or hide it behind her hand. Alder would slowly start to bring whatever story she was recounting to a close, giving Tally a knowing look.

“Either I’m exceptionally boring tonight or you are nearly literally dead on your feet,” Alder had commented as Tally’s eyes watered with one of her yawns, on the Monday of their fourth week.

She scrubbed at her eyes, wiping away the unintentional sleepy tears that had leaked out, shaking her head. “No, no, keep going. It was just getting good.” She rested her cheek in her palm as she gamely tried to blink at Alder and clear the haze.

“Just getting good? I’ve been talking to you about Paris in the 1930’s for the last hour,” Alder admonished, but in that kind of playful tone she sometimes took on.

Tally chuckled, slow and sleepy. “Nooo, it’s all good. Really.”

It was so warm in the office, with the fire burning, with her knees cuddled up to her chest, even in the somewhat uncomfortable chair, and Tally felt lethargic, but in the most comfortable way.

It was comfortable here, she’d come to realize. Before all of this, she never would have thought that, but it was.

“Craven, are you sleeping better? I admit, sometimes when you leave my office in this state, I’m a bit… concerned,” Alder’s voice was soft, inquisitive, and indeed, concerned. And far closer to Tally than she usually was.

Tally blinked; she must have closed her eyes for a few seconds without realizing, and a jolt ran through her when she noted that Alder had taken the second seat, the one next to Tally’s.

She moved to sit up straighter, shaking her head like it could clear the cobwebs. “I am, a little.”

She hadn’t necessarily known this would even work when she’d suggested it; it had been a truly last-ditch effort to be able to get any semblance of a peaceful sleep. And while she definitely wasn’t getting full nights, after nearly a month, she was experiencing periods of three to four hours of restful sleep. Which was saying something more than she’d had, before.

“But it’s working enough. Like,” She yawned again, shifting to turn and look at Alder. She preferred this, she thought, to having the desk between them. It felt more personal. And she definitely knew she should get out of this office before she said something ridiculous like that aloud. “When I get to sleep tonight, I’ll probably be able to get a couple of hours.”

Alder’s frown didn’t dissipate as she traced her eyes over Tally’s face slowly, and Tally froze with it. “All right,” she acquiesced. She hesitated for a moment, before she reached out and touched Tally’s hand. “But, please tell me if it gets worse or if you have any other issues.”

Tally had to work to keep pushing out the breath that got caught in her throat as she stared at Alder’s fingers on hers, before trailing her eyes up to Alder’s face. Behind the curtain, she thought again.

“I will. Promise.”

Alder nodded, sharply, before dropping her hand. “Good. Now – goodnight. And good luck on your exam in Mothertongue tomorrow.”

//

Tally hurried down the hallway in early December, tossing a look over her shoulder as she went because she was sure of what was following her.

Or, who, to be more apt.

The Imperatrix’s footsteps, though she wasn’t hustling like Tally was, seemed to echo just as loudly. Or maybe that was just Tally feeling like her senses were heightened.

Relief washed over her in spades as soon as she came upon Alder’s office, and even though it was the middle of the day, she didn’t bother to knock now, either. Instead, she just prayed to the Mother that Alder wasn’t busy in some sort of top-secret meeting and thus wouldn’t kill her, as she swiftly slipped in and shut the door behind her.

“Excuse – Craven?” Alder whipped her head up to stare at her, all of the biddies following suit. She set her jaw, “What in the Goddess’s name do you think you’re doing? It’s the middle of the day.”

“Oh, thank the Mother, you’re alone,” she breathed. Maybe a bit of luck was on her side. “Except the biddies, of course. Hi,” she hastily waved at them and received her customary greeting of nods back that she received on the very slight occasion that they were not yet in their room before Tally arrived at night.

Luck might be on her side, but time wasn’t, and she was very conscientious of that, as her eyes skated over the office. She was very familiar with the office, by now. It had been a month of four-times-a-week – by now – meetings, after all.

But for all of the space Alder had and the actually surprising number of furnishings, none were really quite big enough to properly hide behind.

“Are you all right?” Alder asked, putting her pen down as she stared at Tally, the immediate reaction she’d had to scold tempered into a look of concern. “This is out of the ordinary, even for you.”

“No, I’m not,” she nearly hissed back as she locked her eyes on the desk. It was the only thing large enough…

Alder’s shoulders straightened, and the air in the room went just a bit colder as she stared intently at Tally. “What is it?” She ran her eyes over Tally’s face from across the room, “Has someone threatened you?”

A low hiss came from the biddies.

“Kind of,” she breathlessly answered as she made her decision, running to Alder’s desk. Behind the desk, to be specific, to the side Alder was sitting on – she’d never been on this side of the rather imposing desk that served as a divide between them before, she realized as she dropped to her knees behind it, next to Alder.

The room went silent, as Alder quickly wheeled back and stared incredulously down at her. “What are you doing?”

She looked up at Alder, desperation clawing through her as she answered, “I’m hiding from the Imperatrix.”

Immediately after saying the words, she regretted them and she felt her cheeks burning. Nope, maybe she shouldn’t have said that to Alder. Who had probably never hid like this from someone a day in her life, not even a real threat.

Alder reached up, rubbing at her temples, as her posture relaxed minutely and the room seemed just a few degrees warmer again. “Goddess. Craven, I thought something was seriously wrong.” She opened her eyes again, the ice blue of them electric. And so close, Tally realized, they actually hadn’t been this close since she’d been a biddy, and she swallowed hard. “You’ve barged into my office in the middle of the day because you don’t want to have a conversation with the Imperatrix?”

“You weren’t in a meeting or anything, anyway?” Tally insisted, staring up at Alder as she hunched her shoulders down and leaned against the desk drawers.

“You didn’t know that.” She sighed. “Craven, you…” Alder broke off, shaking her head slightly. But she never finished.

Which gave Tally the perfect opening to point out, “It’s your fault.”

“Excuse me?” Alder’s eyebrows slowly crept up her forehead, in a look that was subtle yet read as half-amusement and half-offense, yet another look Tally didn’t think anyone else could possibly wear. “How, pray-tell, could this,” she gestured to Tally’s position, “Possibly be my doing?”

“Because!” Tally whisper-yelled, “I…” she squeezed her eyes tightly closed before taking in a deep breath and admitting, “I accidentally napped through the meeting I was supposed to have with her, a few days ago.”

“And your response to that was to hide from her whenever you saw her?”

“No,” she bit out, exasperated. “I set up another meeting with her. Responsibly.” She dug her teeth into her bottom lip. “It was just – she railroaded me, talking about setting me up on pairing meetings with a couple of “contenders” that I’d meet at the next Reception.” She couldn’t help but blanche at the word contenders alone. “Still, I went to the second Reception last month, but then, I just totally zoned out. In like, a day-dream memory thing that was super trippy. And she reamed me out, talking about how my… events could hinder my choices to further my line, and has since informed me that she wants to have a “more serious” meeting regarding my future, and…”

Goddess, it was all a complete mess.

“I’m so tired,” her voice nearly broke on the word. Still, though, her shoulders only slumped for a moment before she shook herself out of it. Out of the fears she was being pushed into a future she both didn’t want and wasn’t ready for. “I make sure to dedicate my time and energy for my actual classes, always, I swear. But, the Imperatrix is…” She was a lot of things. Bullish and intimidating and had a lot of threats about the future, “Frightening–”

“More frightening than me? Than barging into my office in the middle of the day?” Alder asked, her gaze boring into Tally’s, offended.

And – Tally could only offer a weak smile. Because, you know, she really wasn’t a great liar. “I mean, I’m sure you would take her in a fight?” She offered weakly.

Goddess, she hoped that wasn’t going to end their meetings. The very meetings that had made Alder become far less intimidating and more into a very real person.

Alder’s mouth fell open, an indignant scoff working out of her throat. “There is zero doubt about that, thank you.”

Tally remained focused on the task at hand, though, before letting herself get side-tracked. “I’m just not sure I’m ready to handfast? Actually, I’m really sure that I am not ready to handfast, for a couple years at least. Not any time soon, or to someone only to have a kid, especially. That’s not – like, I’d love to have a kid – kids, one day, but not – shit!”

There was only one person who could be knocking on the door right now, Tally knew it even before she closed her eyes, and – yep. Her Sight confirmed.

“Don’t tell her I’m here, please.” She looked up at Alder, pleading with everything she had in her.

“Craven,” Alder’s exasperation was clear in her voice, as well as the you are absolutely kidding me look she shot Tally.

“Please,” she stressed. “I don’t want to confront her, again. It’s terrifying and I don’t really ever know what to say to her, and I don’t love confrontation like that and–”

“General Alder,” the Imperatrix’s voice cut Tally’s off, and she could only scooch closer to Alder’s legs and pray she wasn’t seen and that she had whispered quietly enough to not be heard moments ago.

“Imperatrix,” Alder’s voice was notches cooler than whenever she spoke to Tally, which gave her a little bit of hope. “How exactly can I help you?” She asked, as if she didn’t have Tally crouching down nearly hugging her leg at this point.

“Have you seen Cadet Craven?” The Imperatrix didn’t waste any time, her impatience cutting through the air.

Tally squeezed her eyes closed, waiting…

“Why would a cadet be in my office?” Alder challenged, her own impatience – Goddess, she was a good liar, so much better than Tally was – bit right back.

“I’m not quite sure of that, myself. But I do know that Craven turned around as soon as she saw me, and high-tailed it in this direction. Yours is the only office down this hallway, and she seems to have disappeared.”

“As you can very well see, there is no one here who shouldn’t be here,” Alder responded smoothly, and Tally looked up at her from where she crouched. The set of Alder’s jaw was… no one had the right to look good from this angle.

The Imperatrix, as Tally had been afraid of, was not so easily swayed. Yeah, she didn’t seem the type.

“General Alder, do I have to remind you – once again – that my position is free from your oversight? No cadet can come running to you to get an excuse out of my meetings with her, regardless of how carelessly you often seem to regard the importance of my work.”

Tally held her breath, able to feel that the Imperatrix took a step closer to the desk.

And she barely managed to stop herself from jumping as Alder wheeled her chair backwards and stood in a quick, decisive motion. “And do I have to remind you, Imperatrix, that my position is free from your oversight? You cannot mandate a marriage, no matter how much you may try to intimidate and bully my cadets into thinking so.”

“You would know something about bullying and intimidating young witches, wouldn’t you, General?” The Imperatrix’s imperiously mocking tone made Tally’s stomach churn with irritation.

“I actually have heard it around the base that you are frightening my cadets far more than I am,” Alder turned, easily stepping around Tally and making it seem as if she wasn’t, and she locked eyes with her for a single second.

Alder winked.

Tally bit her lip to keep her composure, because – Goddess. She fell against the desk even more fully as her heart raced. So stupid. Maybe she’d just been blinking.

“You seem to forget your cadets are witches first. And it is a witch’s duty to continue her line. Since that’s not a personal issue for you, I assume that’s why you often seem to forget.”

All right, the anger came rushing back, through the ridiculous butterflies, because – what did she say?!

Alder’s anger was muted in her voice, but very obvious, especially as the biddies clicked their tongues. “I have known more witches than you will ever see in a lifetime, Imperatrix. I’m more acquainted with our population than anyone else ever will be. But these young women have a right to live a little bit before they handfast for the purpose of having a child. They are more than breeding stock, just as they are not all interchangeable soldiers, and you cannot force them into anything.”

Tally very nearly opened her mouth to cheer, before remembering herself and snapping it shut.

Somehow even the Imperatrix’s silence was grating, and Tally could feel the irritation simmering in her.

“Regardless of your feelings, General, I will do my job. And your cadets, including Craven, will not skip meetings with me.”

“I will be certain to tell her if I see her.”

Tally almost died as she Saw the withering looks Alder and the Imperatrix sent one another, and she was vibrating from it. She managed to keep herself still and calm, until the door closed behind the Imperatrix, and she hopped up.

“That w–”

She cut herself off as Alder shook her head and held a finger to her lips.

Tally held herself still for another few moments, eyes darting to the door…

Before Alder finally lowered her hand. “She’s gone. Stealth detecting – something you should work on.”

Tally nodded, “Right, yes, I totally will. But – that was amazing!”

She beamed, filled to the brim with excitement and gratefulness and – she shook her head, brushing her hair back behind her ears.

Alder sniffed slightly. “I’ll not be cowed to a matchmaker who barges into my office, regardless of who she answers to or not.”

Tally was definitely not going to point out that they only found themselves in the… interesting? Relationship they were currently in because of Tally barging into her office.

The idea of it rushed through her, still, and she –

Her eyes widened, “Shoot! I’m late for Off-Canon!” It’s where she’d been hurrying to when she’d come across the Imperatrix in the first place. “I’ll talk to you later?” She rushed by Alder, stopping to grab her hand and squeeze it warmly, the way she would to anyone she was close to as a gesture of appreciation.

“I – suppose,” Alder had bit out as Tally rushed out.

//

It hadn’t occurred to her, really, until later in the day what she’d actually done.

Like, barged into Alder’s office when she could have been with General Bellweather or the Hague or the President herself, even. And then asked Alder to engage in an argument with the Imperatrix on her behalf, essentially. And had then grabbed and held her hand, as if that was normal for them.

Which, it wasn’t.

They didn’t touch. They didn’t even sit side-by-side.

She forced in a deep breath and withheld her groan, as she hesitantly knocked on Alder’s door that night.

There was a pause from inside before, “You may enter.”

Tally did, but only took a few steps in before she paused, unable to walk to her usual seat, when was met with an inquisitive look.

“Knocking. How very novel for you.” Alder stated, impassive, as she sat at her desk, a pen in her hand, as she’d clearly been writing some sort of missive.

She blushed, the embarrassment she’d been feeling since reflecting on her actions earlier nearly choking her. “I’m sorry,” she blurted out. “I’m so sorry about earlier. Just, coming in here in the middle of the day, when you could have been doing anything, meeting with anyone, and then… touching you.”

Her choice of words made Alder’s eyebrows wing up even further. Goddess.

“I do hate to break it to you, but had you touched me in a way I found to be inappropriate, I think we both know I am capable of stopping you in a dozen ways,” Alder stated, a soft lilt in her voice as if – she was not serious. Well, she was, because her words were definitely true, but she wasn’t angry.

A nervous laugh worked out of Tally, “You’re probably underestimating that number.”

Just one side of Alder’s lips quirked into a smile as she looked down and finished writing whatever note she’d been working on. “Yes, I was sparing your feelings. I won’t try to do so again.”

That definitely sounded… light. The relief moved through Tally slowly, as she braced a hand on the small couch Alder had acquired to replace two of her more creaky, older chairs that her biddies had apparently complained about every day.

Alder swiftly capped her pen and stood from her desk, before she threw Tally a reproachful look. “I think the only thing you truly have to apologize for is saying you find me to be less intimidating than the Imperatrix.”

Tally laughed again, shoulders relaxing into it minutely. “I’m… yeah. Okay, I’m sorry about that, too. Because, I didn’t mean you aren’t scary or intimidating at all…”

She maybe wasn’t as much to Tally, not in the way she’d been, before. When she’d been a larger-than-life, ultra-powerful deity, almost, rather than a real person that she got to talk to.

 “You’ve been spending the last several weeks telling me your dreams of my memories, Craven; I think we’re beyond unnecessary apologies.”

“I think we’re beyond you calling me Craven,” she’d murmured, unthinkingly, eyes widening when she realized – yeah, she’d said that aloud, as Alder turned to look at her again. “I just – I mean, you did call me Tally, a couple of times. As your biddy. And, you know, it is… my name.”

“Mhmm,” Alder hummed as she meandered to her cart. She didn’t drink every night, that much Tally had long noted. A couple times a week, and she’d recounted for Tally around how alcohol tasted strong and bitter and how she appreciated that, and she appreciated her biddy link quite a bit in the heightened tolerance it gave her. The glass of whiskey she had was very nearly the same effect as Tally drinking water… though Tally would personally take the water. “So I did. I typically refer to my biddies by their given names; it would be a bit strange to refer to the women with whom I share so much of myself with in a formal manner, I think. And, at the time, you were a biddy, rather than a cadet.”

Tally tapped her fingers against the soft upholstered material of the couch, before slowly sinking into it. “I guess you’re right.”

“In fairness, however,” Alder paused, looking Tally over from across the room, her glass loosely held against her palm. “You aren’t quite merely a cadet. You are someone with whom I’m sharing my memories with, regardless of how intentional the… connection was formed.”

Still, though, she worried at her bottom lip, the apology hot in her throat. “I never really asked – I mean, I appreciate you doing this for me. Really.” She couldn’t state it, enough. “But… is it hard, for you? Like you just said, you didn’t plan for me to end up with your memories. I wasn’t organized or prepared or anything like that, to become a biddy in the first place.  And then after the end of my being a biddy…”

This time, Alder sat with her words, and Tally appreciated that she gave Tally the credence to truly think over what she’d said. The fire crackled between them before Alder spoke, softly. Slowly. “It would be very difficult, to share these parts of myself,” she acknowledged, “If I was not so used to sharing such parts of myself with the biddies already.”

All right. That was good, Tally could live with that. She could definitely live with being thought of as a biddy to Alder –

“And, in a way, it’s better.” Alder’s eyebrows drew together in thought. And, if Tally was honest, she wanted to know all of those thoughts. “It’s different, to talk about my feelings in this way. To talk about these recollections. It’s certainly a new experience than what I’m used to, but I’m finding it shines a new light to my own memories to discuss them, aloud.” The furrow of her brow cleared as she tilted her head and gave a small smile. “It’s enjoyable. To relive these moments in this way.”

“Oh,” Tally murmured, faintly, that pleased flutter moving through her. “Good. I’m really glad, actually.”

It happened, she’d registered, whenever she felt like she did something well. In a lot of ways, honestly; Tally was a pleaser. She wanted to help, to do a good job, to make people proud, to make them happy.

But especially when Alder, in particular, looked at her like she’d done something well.

That thought made Tally clear her throat and change the topic. “And, you know, thanks. Again. About the Imperatrix, earlier. I know you didn’t have to.”

“You’re right, Tally,” Alder stressed and the sound of her real name lingered throughout Tally's whole body, as Alder continued, “You do not need to thank me so profusely, regarding the Imperatrix ” Alder bit on her cheek, before she huffed out a breath. Her voice came closer, out of Tally’s view, before she appeared in her peripherals, turning to sit smoothly on the other end of the couch. She wasn’t quite close enough for Tally to feel her body heat or smell her, though she knew Alder’s exact scent of a fresh, clean soap mixed with just a bit of the fire she often had burning in her office, and somehow – always – a hint of rain. “It is no secret that that Imperatrix often rubs me the wrong way.”

Tally’s laugh shot out of her, before she slapped her hand over her mouth to stop it, sobering herself just barely. “Right. Yes. That’s the rumor.”

Alder’s look was amused, though, even as she shook her head and sat on the couch, angling to face Tally as she crossed her legs.

“Contrary to popular belief, it’s not because her power does not answer to mine – not just because,” she shot her a dry look. “But…” A heavy, contemplative look moved over Alder’s features. “I was alive in a time when women being forced to marry young, to bare children she might not be ready for, was commonplace. And it is not something I am eager to see replayed.” She slowly took a sip, the line of her throat arching back with it. “Of course, our society is far more female-centric; the choice of partner is a woman’s, and circumstances differ greatly from what they were. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But a woman’s autonomy is not something I can stomach being taken, even if it is to continue our lines.”

The passion in her voice was riveting, and Tally found herself nodding even before she’d realized it, bolstered by her words. There was more she wanted to say and certainly more she’d like to ask. About how Alder felt about not having children or any handfasting ceremonies in her vast lifetime, but she bit them back. That wasn’t quite information she was sure she was privy to.

She shifted to fully face Tally. “Now, if I may speak freely…?”

Tally nodded at once, surprise rippling through her. “Of course. Yeah. I assumed you always did.”

“We review your dreams as they pertain to my own memories. But I admit, I am a bit… interested, as to what you skip over. The parts that belong to you.”

“Me?” Tally breathed out a laugh, shifting where she sat as she felt her stomach do that pleased flip-flop. “Why?”

“You’ve lived your own life, have you not?”

“Not like yours. I mean, what have I experienced that you don’t know?”

“You have your own interesting experiences that you’ve gone through so far, I’m positive.”

“Right, like when I was a biddy.”

“Not just that,” Alder said after a moment beat by.

Tally swallowed, staring at her for a few seconds before she managed, “Because… everyone is interesting in their own way?”

Alder scoffed, “Please. I wish there would have been plenty of people I didn’t waste my time having to know in the last few centuries.”

“I guess I’m just confused,” she picked over her words slowly as that confusion mingled with a mounting astonishment. “About what you want to know about me?”

“Living on a matrifocal compound, for one thing, is a lifestyle I’m quite curious about and have never had the time to even visit. Your Sight, that I am very curious about. Your dogged quest for answers.” She nailed a look at Tally, and she flushed, toying with her fingers in her lap as tried to stop a smile… which was fruitless. “The fact that you chose to answer the call, when you had a dispensation. There are quite a few things I’m intrigued by.”

“I mean…” Tally licked her lips, staring at Alder’s expectant face, and even though she couldn’t quite believe it, she nodded, “Sure, if you want. I’m an open book.”

Alder shrugged, setting her arm over the back of the couch. “You say this, yet you realize in half of these recollective journal entries, you cut yourself off and skim over things you don’t believe to be relevant? About yourself.”

Tally blinked, running her fingers down the cover of her notebook in thought. “I guess I do. I just thought… you know, I assumed – you were doing this to help me. So, I didn’t want to bore you or make it too personal.”

“Ah, yes, you are recounting most of my entire life in your memories, but I would hate for us to get too personal,” Alder stated, and Tally was beaming, the smile so wide it hurt her cheeks, now. Oh well, what was the point of trying to hide it?

“You – you’re joking.” The wonder in her voice was unmistakable.

“I’ve been known to make the occasional humorous comment from time to time.” She sniffed. “It’s almost insulting that you might believe I’ve spent over three hundred years on this earth and not learned how to tell a joke, especially after the last month.”

“No, I mean, I know you know how to tell a joke, of course you do.” Tally bit her lip, trying to tame her expression into something resembling normal. Something Abigail wouldn’t totally mock her for. “You just normally… don’t.”

She’d told amusing stories a handful of times, chuckling with them, but that was typically the extent of her joking thus far.

“It’s never too late for personal growth,” Alder deadpanned, and Tally couldn’t control the peel of laughter that escaped her if she tried.

Alder, for her part, looked fairly satisfied.

Tally revelled in the expression for several beats before Alder dipped her gaze to the notebook in her lap and prompted, “Should we begin?”

//

Tally didn’t suspect that night that it would be somewhat of a turning point. Maybe even the night she would call the moment of no return.

For her, anyway.

Alder seemed fairly – business as usual.

But it was different, then. In hindsight, she should have seen it coming. You’d think, given her Sight and all… but she didn’t.

It was in the way they sat on the couch rather than in their respective chairs with the desk between them. Not close, but closer.

It was in the way Alder gently prompted Tally to tell her things about herself.

Little things, usually.

Like about how on her first day of school, Tally had clung to her mother’s hand… but then when she’d come to pick Tally up, she’d informed her that she’d made so many friends, she could never leave and that she just loved school!

And how she could knit a sweater better than anyone at Fort Salem, because she’d once spent a whole summer sitting in with her neighbor’s knitting group.

And how it was so different, growing up on the compound. Where there were just mothers and daughters and sisters and grandmothers and they’d all watched out for each other. How peaceful it had been. How she’d known everyone’s homes and the land and the fields, like the back of her hand.

And how she wanted that feeling, for… everyone. She wanted people to know that kind of community, and that was why she’d answered the call, because she knew in her soul it was right.

And how she was still getting used to being able to use her Sight at her command, so freely, and how it was a feeling unlike any other. Seeing what other people weren’t, couldn’t.

And they were little things, but it was also – they were things no one else had ever seemed interested in, but somehow Alder watched her carefully, as if she really was? Or she would laugh at her story, or frown, like she was invested.

It was in the way that Alder started slowly sharing the harder things she’d experienced, even without Tally asking –

“The Battle of Poltava… that was the most harrowing fight I’ve ever experienced. I lost half of my battalion, in one day. In under six hours,” her voice had gone so soft, so reminiscent, then. Tally had given her a few moments to herself, before Alder cleared her throat and continued.

“Evelyn, she was the closest friend I’d ever found, as an adult. She became one of my biddies, in 1812. I… for the first time, I’d asked someone not to; I wasn’t prepared for her to leave my side sooner than she had to. But she’d insisted, as we were on the front lines, and options were very limited.” She’d looked haunted, as she had turned to look into the fire. The soft glint of the flames reflected off her face, exacerbating the sharp curves and Tally couldn’t look away.

“I’m sorry,” she’d breathed out.

Alder cleared her throat, before turning to face Tally, clenching her jaw for a long moment, before relaxing it. “There is so much loss, in my situation that… I must accept it and move on. But there are still those with whom it hurt more.”

Still, though, there was a vulnerability there that… made Tally well up, with this absurd honor.

It wasn’t like she enjoyed that Alder had gone through these things or that she was reliving them, but it just felt like – like she trusted Tally to tell her them, instead of her doing this as a favor.

Which, Tally always was sure to remind herself especially after those moments, that this was a favor. A kindness.

And that was enough. It totally was.

It should be.

And it would be.

If only the night, two weeks before Yule, hadn’t happened.

It started like any other night.

Tally walked into Alder’s office, gently closing the door behind her and dropped onto the couch, folding her legs underneath her. “Sorry, I’m a little late,” she’d sighed, stretching her back against the furniture, wincing a bit at the stiffness. They’d gone into the field – one of their first minor excursions. Just a security detail, just getting a slight taste of action – but Tally had tweaked a muscle.

Alder was at her desk, focused intently down at whatever she was working on. Likely something to do with a new united military policy that the Hague was discussing. Admittedly, Alder had only muttered a halting few words on that, before she’d seemed to catch herself.

“Not quite what we’re supposed to discuss.”

“We can, though,” Tally had encouraged, maybe too eagerly, because… she loved going through Alder’s past, but she wanted to know more about the present, too. Way more, actually.

But Alder had shut her down, after a few seemingly thoughtful seconds. “I’m afraid we shouldn’t.” And – yep, a reality check for Tally once again. Not to get too comfortable.

“No need to apologize; I’m still working on a bit of–” she cut herself off, sighing as she rubbed at her temples. “Nothing.” She pushed back from the desk, “Let’s just say that our discussion will be a very welcome distraction.”

“Well, I’m happy to–” Whatever stupid joking comment had been about to escape her was totally lost a second later.

As Alder stood and stretched out her back, barely suppressing a sigh. And Tally had to swallow hard as she watched from her perch on the couch, frozen in place. Alder reached up and undid the top few buttons of her uniform; nothing lewd or inappropriate in the least, but leaving the hollow of her throat on a teasing display.

Tally’s breath shuddered out of her as she couldn’t have looked away if she tried.

Then reached up and started to undo her braid, and Tally was riveted to the spot.

She’d seen Alder with her hair down, now, many times. It was pretty clear she didn’t enjoy keeping it up when her official work day was done, which made sense, sure.

But she’d never seen the process.

She’d never watched this. This, Alder’s nimble fingers reaching up and working through her own hair. Thick and so soft looking and so wavy and Tally wondered if it was from the braid or it if did that, naturally.

Her fingers itched to touch as Alder combed her fingers through her own hair, lightly shaking it out.

And the attraction that barrelled through Tally made her breathless.

It wasn’t that she didn’t think Alder was beautiful – gorgeous, stunning, even – because Tally had eyes and there had always been something about Alder that was… captivating. Tally was entranced by her life, her world, her words, her aura, everything.

She truly believed she was in the presence of greatness, when she’d met Alder. And they’d worked back into that kind of place, since.

This was different, though.

This feeling that curled low in her stomach, then dipped even lower, warming into a desire. Finding someone attractive and being attracted to them, Tally realized in this moment, were different things.

It was very different than this hungry feeling that burned through her right now. This feeling where she didn’t want to take her eyes off of Alder and her breathing quickened before she even realized it and…

She dropped back onto the couch, slouching into it as she could feel her cheeks turning redder by the second, every moment she spent watching. She closed her eyes for good measure.

Oh, Goddess. Oh.

“Are you all right, Tally?”

She snapped her eyes back open to look up at Alder standing above her, a concerned look on her face.

“I – I – I’m fine,” she managed. “Just, my back hurts a bit.”

Believable, right?

Alder’s mouth slid into a considering line. “If it’s ailing you that much, do you need to go to the infirmary?”

“No, no. I’m fine.”

Alder hummed under her breath, before she offered, “Would you like me to…?” She gestured toward Tally.

And if her eyes could open any wider, they would have. They definitely couldn’t, as she nearly choked on the air in her throat. Alder was offering to link with her? Ha, okay, the last thing Tally needed was this woman having any idea of the thoughts coursing through her right now.

She snapped up straight in her seat. “No!” Then cleared her throat, groaning at herself. “No,” she replied, calmer. “I’m all right. Thanks, though.”

“A strong soldier,” Alder’s voice took on that slight teasing tone, shrugging as if to say, if that’s what you want… Before she sat on the other end of the couch. And then stared at Tally, expectantly.

Who stared back, blinking widely.

Her heart beat just a bit faster at Alder’s penetrating look, and then even faster as she lifted a hand and gestured toward Tally. “Where should we start tonight?”

That hand fell to rest on the back of the couch, her fingers tapping slowly against the fabric, in a deliberate pattern, one by one. It was captivating, the purposeful movements of long, capable fingers.

Tally dragged her gaze away. Goddess, how was she going to get through this?

She did – barely – by forcing herself to mostly look down at her notes and then leaving earlier than was usual. And pretending she didn’t feel Alder’s questioning stare on her when she left.

Sleep eluded her for reasons other than her dreams, for the first time in months.

Reasons like –

Was this new? Or was this something that had existed latently inside of her, somehow swimming around her conscious thoughts?

Tally had always admired her; how could she not? Then again, when she really thought about it – she definitely could have not. Unlike the High Atlantics or… really, a lot of witching communities, there was very little pride taken in military standing on the compound. She hadn’t grown up revering Alder or military officials. As she’d learned since starting at Fort Salem, a typical witch’s schooling and her own was different.

Tally had attended a civilian school. She’d learned basic Work from her mother and some from other witches on the compound, but… women moved to the compound because they wanted peace. Because, as much as they could without being a technical dodger, they objected to the military.

Yeah, okay, so her devotion to learning about Alder and that seed of adoration was definitely all her.

She remembered how her breath had caught the first time she’d seen Alder in person, the first day of Basic. It had been… stirring. Overwhelming. But she wouldn’t say it had registered as attraction.

The first true sexual attraction she felt she could identify as an adult, was Gerit. Because she definitely had found him sexually stimulating in a way that was different than anything she’d felt before.

But whatever she’d unlocked with Alder felt – well, even different than that. More powerful, more stirring, more overwhelming. She’d wanted Gerit, but she hadn’t felt like she would explode the second he touched her.

Tally pulled her pillow over her face, groaning into it.

Of course, this would happen to her.

“Can’t sleep, Tal?” Raelle’s voice drifted to her from the bottom bunk. A surprise, because she’d assumed she’d been asleep when she’d returned, as both she and Abigail often were.

She didn’t bother to lift the pillow. “Nope. Just… having a lot of thoughts.”

“You were back early from Alder’s tonight,” Abigail commented, surprising her again. “Finally had enough?”

Tally groaned again. “I’m kind of worried I’ll never get enough.” She squeezed her eyes closed. “Can we pretend I didn’t say that?”

“I’d love to wipe it from my brain. Unfortunately, I think it’s stuck there,” Abigail groaned, herself.

“Everything okay?” Raelle asked, diverting the subject.

Kind of. Since, everything wasn’t okay… but it was still Alder focused.

Tally drew in a deep breath, tugging her pillow down from her face as she blinked up at the ceiling. “Do you guys think maybe it’s normal to… theoretically… not realize you’re,” she swallowed, her stomach flipping, “Into women, until now? Like, sexually, I mean. Raelle, you clearly knew way earlier, and–” her teeth dug into her bottom lip for a second, but it couldn’t stop the ramble. “Like, maybe you just spend enough time with someone and when you see them in a certain way, you realize it’s not just this respect and admiration for them as a person but also them… as the way they look?”

She knew she hadn’t been yelling, but somehow she felt like her words echoed around the room as her stomach tied itself in knots.

Raelle answered, still softly, “I mean, yeah. Of course that’s possible; we’re always figuring ourselves out, you know? Just because I knew when I was eleven doesn’t mean that you… theoretically… only realizing now is any less real.”

The words and the calming reassurance in them worked, as she managed to take in a deep breath for the first time in hours. “Thanks, Rae. Because, I think I am?”

“I’m really glad you’re figuring yourself out, Tal,” Abigail said, sincerity in her tone. But only a second went by before she scoffed, “But it took you this long to realize you have the hots for Alder?!”

Raelle’s shot of laughter echoed through the room, followed by Abigail’s, and even as Tally brought both of her hands up and covered her face to try to ward off the embarrassment, she found herself joining in.

//

Tally could absolutely handle having an earth-shattering attraction to the most powerful woman on the literal planet.

It was fine.

So maybe she watched her a little more closely whenever they were having their nights together, and maybe now she recognized the tingle that shot right into the bottom of her stomach when Alder chuckled the low, nearly rasping laugh she got, sometimes.

She could handle those things.

In fact, she realized one night as Tally had regaled her with a story about how she’d once gotten stuck in one of the holes they’d dug out in one of their crop fields in order to check the ground structure and soil compaction to look into a new irrigation system – “All children get into mischief every once in a while. Though it does seem as though you got into it more than once in a while,” Alder had bit back a smile with her words. Tally flushed as she cleared her throat, “Yeah… I was sixteen.” And then Alder had truly laughed, her hand falling on Tally’s – she actually kind of… really liked the feeling. Loved it, even.

Sure, it was a special kind of torment. A one-sided yearning that she assumed would die down, eventually.

But it also made her feel alive, it was addicting. It made her feel full, like Alder was so much of everything – confident and yielding, serious and amusing, hard and soft – and because she was so close to her, Tally got to feel like everything, too.

And nothing made her feel more everything than on Yule.

Tally waited until the sun was starting to set – debating with herself if she should even do this. It wasn’t like she and Alder did things like this. They didn’t see one another outside of their designated times or celebrate holidays together or anything like that.

And yet…

Tally gently knocked on Alder’s office door with her elbow. “Can I come in?”

She only registered a second later that she hadn’t exactly identified who she was – like a fool – and she opened her mouth to just as the door opened.

“Is everything all right, Tally?” Alder’s voice drifted to her before she even crossed the threshold into the office.

Tally shot Celeste, the biddy who’d opened the door for her, a grateful smile, as the door closed behind her.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Why wouldn’t it be? I just wanted to…” She trailed off when she saw that Alder was sitting on the couch, already. Which threw Tally off for a second, because… it was only just after dinnertime. Usually she was working or having meetings or – “Sorry, am I interrupting something? I guess maybe I should have asked earlier or something, but Anacostia is still out on her last mission, and I assumed she’d be who you’d spend the evening with, if you spent it with anyone. I guess I didn’t really think…”

She trailed off again, because that was it. She really hadn’t planned this.

Those blue eyes seemed to burn right through her as Alder’s gaze fell on her and held for long moments, landing on the Yule log in Tally’s arms.

“You aren’t interrupting anything.” She slowly cocked her head, gaze curious. “Did you bring that for me?”

The incredulous surprise in her question left Tally with a heat creeping up her neck, as she shifted her grip on the log in her arms.

“I… I didn’t really make it with any intention, honestly. I–” her eyebrows furrowed, as she thought of the dream she’d had last night.

It had been the same as the one she’d had months ago, that had prompted her here in the first place. One that she’d yet to ask Alder about, because even as they combed over so many of her memories, there was something about that one that felt… it felt… heavy. Personal. Too personal for Tally to have the right to, even more than the others.

The one with the girl who clutched to Sarah like a lifeline, the one Alder called Abigail, as they ran through the snow with no shoes.

She’d woken sobbing, this crushing feeling in her chest, like she would never find warmth or happiness or safety again. Like the world was well and truly over, even though she could see that for so many others, it was thriving.

There had been no sleeping again after that.

“I couldn’t sleep last night, so I went out and did… this,” she hefted the log with a bit of exertion. “And I don’t have a fireplace in my room to burn it,” she awkwardly laughed, “But, you do? So, I took a chance and thought maybe you were available?”

The Yule log was roughly cut and shaped – Tally’s knowledge of Work to manage that was limited, but she’d done so at four in the morning with moderate success so, go her – and was decorated with sprigs of holly, pinecones, and a small wreath she’d managed to weave around it, tucked through with the red berries that grew on the east side of the base.

“On the compound, we had a traditional Yule bonfire for everyone’s Yule logs. To burn together, to release all of the negative energies into the past year and push forward into the new solstice with only the whisper of smoke in the air. But my mom and I, we decorated ours together, while we would light our candles for our blessings while we did it. Talk, about what we visualized for the new year ahead.” The image played in her mind, unbidden, from last year’s Yule.

Usually such a peaceful time in her house – as it was intended to be for most. The memories she had of her mom baking and cooking whatever she was bringing to the large potluck they had on the compound, were warm and comforting.

Not last year, and her chest felt tight with it.

The log nearly fell out of her arms as she got lost in her thought, and the slipping of it out of her grip jolted her back to herself.

Alder was there in mere seconds, holding it with her, as her gaze – piercing and inquisitive – held Tally’s own. “Where did you go just then?” She asked quietly.

Tally swallowed thickly. “Nowhere, I just got lost in thought, I guess.”

The corner of Alder’s lips twitched. “I’m afraid you remain one of the worst liars I have ever come into contact with.” She held Tally’s gaze with her own long enough that Tally felt herself shiver, before she inclined her head. “Why don’t we put this in the fireplace?”

Alder took one end, Tally took the other, and they gently lowered it into the flames. They stood and watched it for a few seconds in silence, before Alder murmured, “To the Goddess we give our thanks on the longest night. Tonight, we will embrace the darkness that has fallen around us, emboldened by the light of the stars. We know there will be a new sun tomorrow, that we have cycled safely through another year.”

Tally had heard the Mother’s Yuletide Blessing many times in her life. It never sounded the same as it did in that moment.

Alder turned her head just enough to catch Tally’s eye, nodding at her.

The words bubbled up inside of her, then, matching perfect cadence with Alder’s, “We are thankful for all we have had given in the past year; we will mourn that which we have had taken; as this night turns anew, so too do we. Blessed are we, the daughters of the Mother, in times of darkness and in light.”

They fell into pitch together, the seed starting deep, before becoming light-pitched – nearly untraceable – and the flames danced higher around the log, the crackling sounds from the decorations becoming louder.

Tally continued to stare down at the fire for long moments after, before she felt Alder’s gentle prodding, “Come, sit with me.”

And Tally really didn’t need to be asked twice to do that.

“Tell me why there is so much sadness on your face tonight,” Alder requested as she settled onto her spot on the couch, firmly turned to face Tally. There was concern etched into her face, a concern that made Tally’s stomach flutter with it. “And don’t deny it; I can feel it all around you.”

Tally tangled her fingers together in her lap, shrugging. “It’s not – I wasn’t going to deny it.”

She might have.

Still, she shook her head. “It’s not a big deal, I just… Raelle and Abigail are home for the long weekend.” As were many cadets; Yule was one of the handful of weekends where anyone on base was granted a short leave. “I’m a little – lonely.”

Alder waited a few beats before asking, “And you did not want to return home for your leave?”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to,” she started, then halted.

It was weird, she realized in that moment. They never really did this. Just – talked. Really talked. Well, they did – a lot, amazing kind of talks – but it was all so rooted in Tally’s notes and questions that grew into more elaborate stories and explanations. It was not sharing just for the sake of sharing.

The look on Alder’s face was interested, though, like she really was waiting to hear what Tally wanted to say. And… she did want to say it. Tally liked to talk about her feelings, she liked to share them and review. She’d always been a big believer in open communication.

It was kind of what was on her mind all day, anyway.

“Last year, I told my mom when we were working through our resolutions that I was going to answer the call,” she whispered, staring into the fire. Even without closing her eyes, the scene easily replayed in her head. “And my mom and I – she’d never looked at me like she did, then.”

She had since, most times they’d talked about Tally coming to Fort Salem. As if Tally was someone she didn’t even recognize.

“My mom was usually so… we’d had some arguments when I was growing up, but nothing ever really bad; I’ve never even been grounded. Never anything like that.” Tally squeezed her eyes closed then as the backs of them burned with tears she refused to cry yet again. “It changed something between us. That I chose to come here, even though she’d fought so hard for her own dispensation, and then mine, too. There was something different, when we were together after that. A distance, a betrayal, and it hasn’t gone away since.”

“And it’s okay, sometimes,” a small grin played on her lips as she rubbed at the edges of her eyes, wiping away the moisture there before the tears could fall. “Sometimes we can talk on the phone for a while, now, and it’s normal.” She could feel her smile thin and waver. “But then there’s always a moment. Someone shouts an order from behind me or I accidentally slip something too military focused into conversation, and there it is, all over again.”

A heavy breath shuddered out of her, her heart aching with it as she looked down at her hands in her lap. “So, I could have gone home. My mom definitely has never told me I can’t. In fact, if I turned up on her doorstep as a deserter, she would probably be the happiest she’s been in a long time. But I just know that if I went,” she tangled her fingers tightly together. Because she would have liked to go. She’d like to see her mom, to see the other women on the compound, to see her home for just a short visit. “She might be happy at first. And then she’d look at me like I was breaking her heart, all over again.”

She swallowed thickly, turning back to look at Alder, as she admitted, “I didn’t feel like third-wheeling at Raelle’s with her and Scylla, and apparently the Bellweather’s are spending their holiday with other relatives in upstate New York. And I can’t go home and face my mom like that, again. So, I’m here. Even if it is… a little lonely.”

When she met Alder’s eyes, she didn’t know what to expect. Because regardless of how much they shared, even when it did turn a bit heavy or deep, it wasn’t emotional.

But she didn’t expect the brightness in that intent gaze, the sharp focus, colored by sympathy.

And she most definitely didn’t expect Alder to speak in a voice so soft it barely reached Tally over the still-crackling fire, “My parents were killed the day after Yule.”

Somehow, Alder’s words made Tally’s world move slower, the aching feeling that had barely started receding from her own Yule memory returning ten-fold. “What?”

Alder’s jaw clenched, a rough breath leaving her as she shook her head, and – they’d talked for over six weeks now, about so much of Alder’s life, but so rarely about her family. About her life before the military, and Tally wanted all of it, even though she was certain it was going to hurt.

“It wasn’t necessarily a surprise; the persecutions throughout the Holy Roman Empire were the most extensive in the world. But… we thought we’d been so careful.” Alder’s eyebrows drew down, her voice rough with emotion.

“The witch hunters came in the middle of the night, throwing their torches through our windows. I remember the crash that woke us while we slept. They went for our parents, first. And my mother, she screamed for us, for my sister and I, to run, as they’d already started dragging my father out. She used a protection seed for us in those final moments, and so… I took Abigail’s hand and did not look back.”

A heavy breath escaped Alder as she stared hard into the distance. As if she could still see it all. And she could, was the thing, Tally realized.

Because Tally herself had seen that night. It was the dream she’d had that started all of this. The dream she’d had again last night. It made sense, she thought, because the first time she’d had it had coincided with Tally dreaming about her own memories of a summer solstice Glory had reminded her of earlier that day. Then, they’d blended with Alder’s winter solstice.

The bitter cold that bit at Alder as she’d run, the freezing on her feet that had made her bleed as she’d ran barefoot through the woods. The way Abigail had clutched Alder’s hand, barely managing through her tears to tell Sarah that she couldn’t go any further.

The crushing sorrow that felt so heavy, Tally thought she might die from it in her dream was reflected there on Alder’s face, now. Muted and more controlled, but haunted.

“So, I often find myself a bit… lonely at Yule, myself,” she finished softly.

And Tally couldn’t help herself, not against the pain and anguish she could still feel from that dream, lodged inside of her. Not knowing that Alder carried that inside of her, among everything else.

She launched herself across the couch and wrapped her arms around Alder’s shoulders, and she could feel her surprise. The stiffness in her back as Tally squeezed and pressed her cheek against Alder’s.

Tally was a big believer in hugs – she always had been. Her mom gave them freely, as did many of the women on the compound. She hugged Raelle and Abigail nearly daily, even if they griped about it on occasion.

She’d never hugged Alder, though, she realized several seconds into it, in which Alder hadn’t yet returned it.

Embarrassed – which, it might have been the first time she’d been embarrassed to hug someone, ever – she started to pull back, before Alder’s arms wrapped around her back. Holding her right where she was.

“Sorry,” she whispered, “I realize we don’t really do this. But, a hug can be allowed on Yule. Right?”

She felt more than heard Alder’s laugh, against her, and Tally closed her eyes with it, feeling Alder’s cheek against her cheek, the warmth of her fingers over Tally’s spine even though her shirt.  

“I don’t hug very much, these days, I admit,” Alder’s voice was barely more than a rumble against Tally’s ear. “Occasionally with Anacostia. But – this is nice. Thank you.”

She worked very, very hard to not shudder at it. Because she hadn’t overly thought about this hug before she’d done it. The proximity wasn’t something she’d considered before the hug; she’d been leading with her heart… a known issue for her.

Tally nodded, feeling her heart pounding in her chest, before she pulled back, letting her arms drop from around Alder’s shoulders. She tingled, though, all over from the closeness, and she wondered if Alder’s cheeks were a little flushed or if it was a trick of the dim firelight.

She knew for damn sure hers were.

She settled back on the couch, this time on the middle cushion, though, her knee pressing against Alder’s. It felt right – it felt allowed. For tonight only. “My mom said it was the most painful thing she’d ever experienced. Losing her sisters.”

Tally chewed at the inside of her cheek after the words escaped her, and – maybe she shouldn’t be talking about this?

Still, the words tumbled out anyway. “She was almost going to come to basic; she was only granted a dispensation three days before her eighteenth birthday. She only had one daughter – one me – because she said she did it perfectly the first time, so why do it again? But,” she had to swallow hard through the tightness in her throat returning, “I knew it was because she was terrified that if she’d had more than just one daughter, they – I – wouldn’t be granted a dispensation. She stopped at one, because she thought for sure, it would keep me safe. She’d always talked about how growing up with her sisters made her life better. How she had chosen life on the compound, because I got a pseudo-sibling bond with the other girls there, like that. And she wanted to have more of us, but…”

Her mom’s sheer terror at losing more of her family to the army had stopped her from doing a lot in life. Debilitating, in a way, in her sadness and anger, and living on the compound had tempered much of it, she’d said. Living among the peace was how she’d managed to find any semblance of peace, herself.

Tally’s eyebrows drew together as she stared down into her own lap, blinking hard and refusing to cry again over this. “And I broke her heart. Because I ignored the dispensation.” She cleared her throat, forcing herself to straighten her shoulders. Nope. Not crying again. She wouldn’t. “The, um, the point is – she doesn’t talk about it, a lot. Her sisters. Because it hurts too much. So I can only imagine…”

She almost jumped in surprise when Alder’s hand landed softly on her thigh. Her fingers moved gently, stroking, as if to soothe Tally. And, it sort of worked. She also felt a distinct heat from it, but – it was an interesting amalgamation of sensations.

Still, it allowed her to take a deep breath, looking up at Alder.

Who was regarding her with one of those looks she had, sometimes, when she watched Tally and listened to her talk. It was thoughtful but always intense.

Then again, she wasn’t sure there was a thing Alder did that wasn’t intense.

Tally cleared her throat. “I didn’t mean to make this all about me, by the way,” she waved her hand in the air, “Which, I guess I totally did. I just meant – I know, from my mom and from my dreams, how hard it must have been, for you.”

“Yes, well… sometimes the only thing you can do is push on. Often, actually.”

Her hand was still on Tally’s thigh. She didn’t forget that and the sensation didn’t dissipate in the least, either.

She hoped Alder didn’t notice the way her breath trembled as it escaped her, and she attempted to joke, “I guess as far as bad Yuletides go, you win.”

“There is no competition in suffering, here. There are only hard choices. I have made mine, and you’ve made yours.” Alder squeezed her thigh softly. “And we will both see them through. It’s what we do.”

We. As if, they were a pair in a way other than being inexorably connected – as if the connection was by choice, like their sharing tonight was a choice rather than anything else.

That shot through Tally, too.

She was both relieved and disappointed when Alder slid her hand from Tally, her gaze turning thoughtful. Then she nodded to herself, pushing herself to stand and – wordlessly – the biddies walked into their room. Tally looked around, jarred by the sudden change and still feeling the ghost of Alder’s hand.

“Are we done for the night?”

A hint of a smile played on Alder’s lips. “Not quite. But I would suggest you get a jacket.”

Thirty minutes later – adorned in her jacket – Tally found herself standing shoulder to shoulder with Alder around a large fire outside, the biddies standing on the other side. Alder had easily lit up with a simple seed when they’d gotten out here, and… Tally was still a bit confused.

“What, um, exactly are we doing out here?” She looked around them, her breath visible in the air from the cold even with the heat of the fire a few feet away. They’d walked far enough away from the main part of the base, no one was around.

Alder arched an eyebrow. “Do you have any other plans?”

Tally rolled her eyes, pushing at Alder’s shoulder before she really realized what she was doing. She dropped her hand back into her pocket, “Obviously not.”

Alder grinned at her for another beat, before she cleared her throat. “Well, Tally, you are not the only one who has traditionally celebrated Yule with a bonfire.” She handed Tally a piece of the wood that was leftover from the bundles of firewood they’d all carried out here. Tally took it silently, turning it over in her hand. “And as you stated earlier, Yule is a time where we release our negative energies, our discomforts, and disgruntlements from the past.”

Alder turned her own piece of wood over in her hands.

“I once served with a woman, Florence, during Yule. We were deployed in Vienna, and morale was – as you might imagine – quite low. Florence built our fire that evening… and decided that she wouldn’t silently burn away her discontent. She was going to exorcise it. That she would not quietly make a resolution for positivity, she would make it known. So, we all did.”

Tally nearly jumped as Alder chucked the piece of wood in her hands into the fire, sending out a little cascade of sparks. “I am livid at the number of Spree attacks this year,” her voice rang out, loud and clear. “And I feel it all weigh on my shoulders.”

Kalinda, one of Alder’s biddies, threw hers next. She didn’t speak, but Alder did, “She is deeply hurt, by her father’s death three months ago.”

Rosemarie went next, and Alder let out an exasperated sigh. “She is yet again lamenting about the switch in toilet paper brands our supplier switched to.”

A surprised laugh bubbled out of Tally’s throat as she looked down at the wood in her hands. There was a lot she could say – she was so tired of the fracture between her and her mother. She was tired of being thought of as any less powerful or capable than anyone else. She was tired of the Imperatrix trying to force her into a future she wasn’t ready for. She was –

“I’m tired of every time someone tries to make me doubt my truth,” the words left her in a voice far stronger and louder than she’d expected, throwing the wood with more force. But it made her feel… better. Stronger.

She picked up another piece. “I never want to spend another Yule feeling lonely like this, again.”

And another. “And I still hate that my copy of A Witch’s Work was ruined beyond repair when Rae spilled her coffee all over it, even if it was an accident.”

As the final spray of sparks landed, then blinked out against the ground, Tally released a deep breath and stared down at them. She – she did feel like a weight was lifted. Amazed, she looked up at Alder.

Who was already watching her in amusement. “A Witch’s Work?”

Tally blushed, tucking her hands back in her pockets. “Yeah. It’s – it’s an older book–”

“I know what it is,” Alder interjected. “Witch fairy tales.”

“And legends, myths, and fables, but – not important,” she shook her head. “I had a copy – this beautiful, ivory-bound edition with a fabric cover that’s… I’ve never seen another one like it. My grandmother gave it to me when I was a kid, and I was obsessed with it.”

“Somehow, that does not surprise me.”

“I brought it with me, here. And… fine, it was hanging on by a thread, with the number of times it’s been read,” she admitted, before waving her hand, “But still. And, it’s gone. But, it’s a great book, and you shouldn’t knock it til you try it.”

She’d said the same to Raelle, who’d given her such a look – similar to the one she’d given Tally when she found out Tally had subscribed to Reveille. “Did you ever obsess over anything that wasn’t related to being a witch?” This time, she’d laughed, but she’d definitely meant it – as Tally had handed it to her.

Alder handed her another piece. “And now, for a resolution.”

“You went first, last time,” she pointed out.

Alder’s eyebrows lifted in acknowledgement. “Fine.” She picked up another piece herself, and stared down at it for several long moments. Tally very much wished she could see the thoughts turning in her mind. Like. So badly.

She stared down at the wood in her hands, the light from the fire dancing over the angles of her face in ways that made Tally’s fingers itch to touch. And because she was watching so closely, she could see the moment the thought struck Alder, in the way her eyebrows furrowed, before she glanced at Tally, then away. Almost too quickly to be seen, if only Tally hadn’t been so closely watching her.

Then she cleared her throat and tossed the wood. “I would like to lead several successful tactical missions against our greatest threats.”

Tally’s mouth fell open as the disappointment rattled through her. “That doesn’t count.”

Alder lifted her jaw, the move imperious. “I am the General of the United States Army, Craven; if that is not a resolution I should be making, I’m not sure what else is.”

Tally barely resisted an eyeroll. But also – as much as she wanted to challenge her, that was a blatant reminder. This might be something Alder was doing with her – for her? – and maybe they didn’t have a typical relationship of Cadet and General, and maybe Tally was so attracted to Alder it was painful, but she didn’t have the right to demand more.

That thought made her snap to attention somewhat as she nodded, looking back into the fire. “Right, General.”

“Now, you.”

She almost said something to rival Alder’s “admission” of resolution. Something like, I’ll improve my Sight or I’ll beat M in hand-to-hand.

Instead, though, she nodded to herself and tossed in her wood, looking at Alder as she did so. Finding Alder’s gaze was still on her, and holding it as she spoke. “I’m going to live all of my truths.”

//

Tally honestly hadn’t even realized it had happened – that she’d slept through the entire night – until she woke up in the morning. She hadn’t even realized she’d fallen asleep.

Dark eyes blinked open and she blearily registered that she was still curled up on Alder’s couch, her head on the side Alder typically sat on. Only she wasn’t there.

Which, made sense. Right. Because it was clearly morning. Slats of light streamed in through the windows, and Tally was wrapped in a warm knit blanket. Which was definitely nice, because there was a slight chill in the early January morning air in the office, now that the fire wasn’t on, as it often wasn’t during the day.

She blinked, pushing herself to sit up as she rubbed her hand through her hair. The feeling of embarrassment pushed through her, because…  

She didn’t remember falling asleep, at all. She remembered walking into Alder’s office at their typical time. Alder had still been at her desk, still working intently on something. She’d given Tally a glance and a hurried smile, before dipping her head back down, “I should be finished with this in the next half hour, if you’d like to wait.”

And, of course Tally wanted to wait. Especially because… well, this was only the third time they’d met since their Yule night last week, but things didn’t feel exactly as they’d been, before.

Tally had left that night, regardless of Alder’s refusal to tell Tally any real resolution – which, if you asked her, went against a sacred aspect of the solstice spirit, feeling like they’d experienced a sort of shift. Like they’d spent time together by choice that night, shared by choice, rather than what these evenings had been borne of. A kindness, a necessity.

Sort of like they were friends, which had been building for weeks before that, too.

But Alder had been more reserved since then. Tally couldn’t quite put her finger on it, exactly. She still invited Tally to come to her office, they still talked for a couple of hours. But it was less – it was less…

She didn’t know exactly how to describe it. But it was just less.

Alder didn’t laugh as much, she didn’t make a single joke, she didn’t tell emotional stories, or do that thing where she combed her fingers through her hair and breathe out that deep, quiet sigh that did things to Tally –

She didn’t relax the same way. She was hardly relaxed at all. It was almost as if they were sitting with the desk between them, again. A barrier.

Still, though, Tally had sat, curled her knees up to her chest and rested her cheek against them, as she’d breathed deeply and enjoyed the familiar smell of Alder’s office – the clean, fire, rain scent Alder had, mixed pleasantly with fresh paper and a hint of spice.

In the last two months, Tally found there were fewer things more calming than the smell and the feeling of this very space.

And her tension from the day – a very long, very intense day, in which the Sekhmet Coven had been paired against the Freyja Coven to go head-to-head out in the training fields from dawn til dusk, during a snowstorm to top it all off – started melting away.

That was all she remembered.

She looked around the office; she’d never been here early in the morning. It seemed peaceful, though that was likely because no one was actually in it, not even Alder herself. And it was – Tally’s eyes widened as they landed on the clock. It was nearly 0800, which meant she had less than a half hour before Mothertongue began, and –

Her eyes landed on a crisply folded note.

Tally –

It seems you’ve finally managed a full night of sleep. And it certainly seems I would be remiss to wake you from it, after us striving toward it for months, now.

Perhaps it was your triumphant victory against the Freyja Coven in field practice today that truly tired you out.

Tally hadn’t even had the chance to tell her about that, before she’d fallen asleep.

I’ve moved my morning meeting to General Bellweather’s office; throwing her off what she expects is far more thrilling for me than you can imagine. I should do that even when you do not fall asleep in my office.

Getting the Biddies to be quiet enough to not wake you was a process; believe it or not, when they have breakfast in here most mornings, it’s far louder than you may think.

If you haven’t woken fifteen minutes prior to your Mothertongue class, I have used a Working to set off the alarm on my desk.

Enjoy your day after a full night of rest.

S.A.

Well.

Tally – she didn’t really know what to do with this. It was just a little note, but the fact that Alder had left her a note at all, complete with the swirly initials at the end… Tally bit her lip.

Fine, there was nothing in here that was even that personal, really, and it was just a note.

Still, she held tightly to it and she was going to store it with her handful of other just notes from Alder.

Her eyes landed on the clock again. Twenty-two minutes to get back to her bunk, change, and get to Mothertongue – and she ran.

She was, admittedly, surprised when Raelle and Abigail were both still in their room. “Hi! Sorry! We’re not going to be late!”

She zoomed past them, having made the executive decision to shower later – she’d showered just before going to Alder’s office last night, anyway – on the run back, swiftly tucking the note she’d kept clutched in her hand under her pillow before tugging out her uniform to change into.

“Tal!” Raelle reached out and grabbed her shoulder, turning Tally to face them. Both Raelle and Abigail’s expectantly concerned and agitatedly concerned, respectively, expressions very clear. “Where were you? Were you out all night? Are you okay?”

Tally shook her head, pushing back her hair, “I’m fine. I’m good.”

“You could have at least told us where you were going after Alder’s,” Abi stared her down. “You know, since you’re the girl who’s been stabbed in her sleep in the middle of the night and all, this past year.”

“You were worried about me?” She bit her lip, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep in Alder’s–”

“You and Alder?!” She wasn’t sure what was louder – Raelle’s shocked words or Abigail’s exaggerated gag.

“Nothing happened!” She insisted, tugging on her uniform pants.

She shrugged out of Raelle’s touch as she spoke so she could duck her head instead of looking at her sisters. Whose incessant mocking she already endured.

“Last night or ever?” Raelle asked at the same time that Abigail accused, “Not because you didn’t want it to.”

And she definitely wasn’t going to give credence to Abigail, as she insisted – the truth – to Raelle, “Never! You know that!”

Abigail perched both of her hands on her hips and imperiously ordered, “Check her mark.”

“Right!” Within seconds, Raelle was pushing her hair back of her shoulder, and instinctively, Tally started pushing her off, ducking her head to guard herself.  

“No!” She went to bat Rae’s hands, before realizing – “I mean, fine. Yeah, check it!”

And she was only minutely nervous as Raelle tugged her hair back, which – she shouldn’t be nervous, right? She didn’t do anything wrong or sexual at all; she’d slept on Alder’s couch without Alder even on it with her.

Still, she breathed a sigh of relief when Raelle announced, “It’s… not shiny.”

Tally straightened, pulling on her uniform jacket, before she turned to face her sisters. “See? I slept in her office. Nothing more.”

They let it be for approximately five more minutes, until they were hurrying to Mothertongue, before Abigail muttered, “I’m just saying, Tal, that she’s… you know, like three hundred and fifty years old and counting, so I wouldn’t necessarily put your young, fertile eggs in her basket. She’ll steal your youth. Literally, she did.” Abigail needled Tally’s side. “I’ve been around enough that I’ve seen tons of young witches discover their sexual awakening through Alder. It’s a lot to have to watch with my own eyes with you going through it, too.”

She didn’t have to stretch the imagination to imagine that was true. “She gave my youth back,” she pointed out.

Raelle bumped her shoulder into Tally’s. “Ah, that’s the distinction you took from that.”

“Yep. And,” she added as they hurried down the hall, “She’s three hundred and forty-six.”

“Ew,” the both emphatically chorused.

“And,” she insisted to the both of them, muttering so they weren’t overheard. “I’m not… putting my eggs in her basket.” She wrinkled her nose at the metaphor. “So, yes, maybe I’m attracted to her. But that’s not why I like to talk to her! It’s not… some sort of fantasy playing out in my head,” she settled on.

They both scoffed.

But, “I’m serious,” she insisted, because she was. “I’m not going to Alder’s office like some lovesick puppy. I’m not thinking she’s about to profess some sort of love for me; I’m not even hoping for that.”

And – all right, Tally truthfully had never even let herself imagine that, really. And maybe just saying it aloud did give her a bit of butterflies, but – still.

“I just – I like talking to her.”

She didn’t know how else to say it. That talking to Alder and spending time with her, learning more about her, was this whole other thing for Tally. Something she’d never experienced, but it didn’t mean it had to be romantic.

The looks on both Raelle and Abigail’s faces disagreed with her.

//

Tally nearly twisted her ankle as she hopped up from the table they were sitting at during lunch when she saw Alder walk by. “I just – be right back!”

And, honestly, she didn’t know why exactly she was seeking Alder out, as she was walking purposefully in the direction of her own office. Presumably back from whatever meetings she’d had all morning. Maybe in General Bellweather’s office?

The fact that Tally had that knowledge, though, that Alder had left her that note, the one that she still had safely tucked under her pillow before Raelle and Abigail had accosted her. She’d felt – odd? Bad? Something? About leaving Tally alone in her office, clearly. She’d set an alarm for Tally to avoid missing class. She… cared, enough to tell Tally of her whereabouts, even though they were certainly not Tally’s business.

S.A.

It, and a full night of sleep, had kept Tally’s energy pretty boundless all morning.

“General Alder!” She called out, just hedging on breathless as she caught up. For all Alder had her biddies following her around, she walked at a clip.

She could sense Alder’s surprise at Tally approaching her outside of their typical evenings, even before she slowed to a complete stop and turned around. Her eyebrow was arched in question as she looked Tally over. “Cadet Craven.”

That kind of stopped Tally in her tracks for a second, because – yeah, Alder really hadn’t called her that in months. And she sort of missed the sound of Tally on her lips.

It was enough to have her reaching up to rub uncomfortably at the back of her neck. “I – I just wanted to…” She hadn’t a clue what she’d wanted to do. She’d wanted to see Alder, to talk to her, for some reason, about anything.

Yeah, she was approaching that point of starting to feel like an idiot.

“I guess I just wanted to say, thank you. For letting me stay and sleep. I mean, you could have woken me up, I–”

She cut herself off, only realizing what it sounded like as Alder looked around them, a careful eye for eavesdropping ears.

They were alone, bar for the biddies, though, and the General Alder-ness of her softened ever so slightly into the person Tally had come to recognize in the last few months as she tilted her head. “I didn’t realize you were sleeping until I went to join you, and then, it seemed almost criminal to disturb you when you were finally able to get some rest.” She lifted both of her eyebrows, looking almost… proud? “And I believe it was the right decision; you slept through the night. Soundly, I might add.”

Tally blinked for a few seconds at the words, because it almost sounded like… “Did you watch?”

Alder’s jaw clenched, and she swore she could see a faint blush on her cheeks. “That would have been both odd and inappropriate; no. I simply worked, at my desk.”

Yeah, none of that was stopping the feeling that slid through Tally, warm and unstoppably soft. “You didn’t go to bed?”

Alder looked down at her uniform, carefully smoothing her hand over her lapel that definitely didn’t need to be smoothed. “I wanted to ensure I was available if something happened. I’m not sure if you recall, but the last time you were sleeping for longer quantities of time, you were waking with sometimes debilitating injuries.”

Tally’s slow smile took over, though, and she just beamed at Alder, that warmth she so often felt toward her sliding through her again. This was what she meant – no, it wasn’t a friendship like Abigail and Raelle, but it was something else entirely, and –

And it was gone only moments later.

“I suppose tonight you should be able to sleep at a reasonable time in your bunk; it seems we may have worked through much of what troubled you.”

Disappointment shot through Tally and she blinked up at Alder to process what she’d said for a few seconds. “Right. I guess I should.”

And the disappointment was absolutely fucked up, because this was the whole point. To be able to actually sleep, to have enough connection to Alder and her thoughts and memories, that Tally was able to rest with them and blend them as if they were her own – that had been the goal.

Alder pursed her lips, before nodding at Tally, a sharp movement. “Yes, well. I should be getting back to my office; I have a teleconference with the Hague.”

“Yeah, of course.” Tally stepped out of the way, still noting, though that Alder was informing Tally of her whereabouts, as if Tally really had any right to know.

She tried to cling to that, even as the mourning of their nights together started to bleed in.

It only dug a little deeper when Alder nodded at her, the same one she gave to everyone else in the hall. “Have a good day, Craven.”

Ouch.

//

She figured maybe she should have seen it coming, from that conversation.

Tally was shaping up to be one of the most powerful Knowers in decades, and yet she had no idea what situation she was walking into the following night as she stepped into Alder’s office.

Alder glanced at Tally as she closed the door behind her, and Tally couldn’t mistake the confused set of Alder’s eyebrows even if she tried.

“Everything okay?” She asked as she made her way to the couch.  

“It’s fine,” Alder spoke slowly, before stopping Tally in her tracks. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh… we usually meet on Thursdays?” She waved her notebook around in the air. In fact, they hadn’t not met on a Thursday since the very beginning of this, months ago, now.

Alder stared at it, and then slid her gaze back to Tally’s face, as she interlocked her fingers on her desk. “Did you have trouble sleeping last night?”

Confusion settled in as Tally slowly shook her head. “No? Actually, two nights of regular sleep in a row has been kind of amazing.”

And she wanted to tell Alder more about it. Much like she would have if this had been a life update even just last week.

But last week, Alder wasn’t looking at her like she didn’t belong here. In fact, Alder hadn’t given her that look, like Tally was someone who was invading the private sanctity of her office rather than someone who was invited here regularly… maybe ever? Not since the first night when she’d barged into the office without permission.

Even then, though, Alder’s eyes weren’t cool like the way they were, currently. Everything about her just screamed reserved, in a way that Tally realized she’d become so unused to, here. Between them.

“We did discuss yesterday how you should be sleeping in your bunk while you are able to, correct?” Alder asked, her jaw set, and…

The look on her face and the tone of her voice – it wasn’t cold or harsh, but it was impersonal. In a way it hadn’t been in so long. And that feeling cut through Tally, cutting her off at the knees.

“I mean, yes. But I thought – I assumed you just meant for last night?”

Alder rolled her lips, before she turned her chair and pushed herself to stand. Her back was to Tally for several moments, before she nodded softly and turned around. “I believe that for as long as it appears we have resolved your sleep issue, these… meetings of ours should stop.”

Tally’s stomach bottomed out entirely. “What?” Her voice was so faint, she felt like she could hardly hear it herself. “Why?”

Alder’s shoulders drew up so strong and proud, her hands behind her back in perfect stance – but it was wrong. Everything about having military precision between them now, was wrong.

It was wrong now that their times together were late nights and warm fires and personal stories and rich laughter and comforting touches and a shared Yule tradition.

“Tally,” she bit off, breathing out a sigh. “Cadet Craven, what we are doing here could be construed as… inappropriate. And we – I – need to ensure we do not cross any boundaries.”

Tally flinched back as if she’d been slapped. “Inappropriate? You’re the one who said that there were no clear rules around this.”

“Around my assisting you in recovering enough of my own memories so that your mind is able to properly process and regain nights of rest. Which we have done, and we should both be proud of that fact.”

She shook her head as the knots in her stomach tied themselves so tightly, she thought she was going to be sick. “But – it’s more than that. We have more than that.”

There was a desperate insistence in her words that she couldn’t take back, because it was real.

And then her heart hammered in her chest at the stillness in the room after she spoke.

Alder’s jaw clenched as she drew herself up. “That statement is exactly why we need to stop these meetings now that the issue is resolved.”

“But… you said you liked our – meetings,” Goddess, she didn’t like calling them that. She didn’t know what exactly else she would call them, but meetings felt too lackluster, too weak, to their evenings together. “You like it and so do I, so why do we have to stop?” She could feel her face heat up, her nerves tangled, as she quickly tried to talk herself out of whatever implications came from that bomb just waiting to be stepped on. “Just because we’re becoming friends, it doesn’t necessarily mean we’re crossing boundaries or–”

“That is exactly what it means,” Alder cut her off. Her voice was quiet but firm, and more commanding than anything anyone else could say at any louder volume.

“I should not have spent Yule with you or created the bonfire. Or asked you to share with me the details of your life. Or argued with the Imperatrix on your behalf. I am your commander, Craven.” Alder looked at her as though she were inviting Tally to disagree with her.

Which, obviously she couldn’t. And, Goddess, why did Craven feel so awful now?

“Therefore, these personal moments should never come between us. A friendship formed here is inappropriate, and I let it go too far. That is on me. As such, it is also on me to ensure our relationship remains as it should be.”

“As it should be?” She echoed, her voice just above a croak in her throat.

Because this – it felt more for Tally like everything was falling apart. Like she’d had her entire foundation shaken months ago, when she’d been so disillusioned by Alder and the Spree and had then, in a whirlwind, become a biddy, and then un-biddied – so much of Tally’s solid foundation shook loose and unsteady.

And she’d rebuilt it all here, right here, with Alder in the comfort of these walls, with the comfort of this person.

This person who was everything, every facet of humanity, and Tally got to see them all, but – now it was being all taken away?

It didn’t feel like it was as it should be to Tally, not at all.

It felt unjust and unfair and so wrong, it carved out an ache inside of her. But if she said any of that, didn’t it just confirm whatever Alder had said?

Alder cleared her throat, aiming a look at Tally, as she spoke softly, “Dismissed, Craven.”

Chapter Text

“You have been selected to accompany me on this mission due to your consistent victories in training and in theoretical exercises matched against the other covens; specifically the recent field training against the Freyja coven. Currently, Sekhmet stands in the top ranks at Fort Salem; you should be quite proud of yourselves. But remember, this is just the beginning of how your – hopefully – illustrious careers will continue. The more you strive and push yourselves to success, the further you’ll make it,” Alder spoke commandingly, moving her gaze along the coven as they stood in a line on front of her.

Tally was last, and when Alder’s electric blue gaze settled on her, she swore it lingered. Maybe it didn’t and maybe she was reading into things, but she felt it zip right through her either way.

Their evenings together had ended – the words dismissed, Craven seemed to haunt Tally both day and night – only a week ago. But it felt simultaneously like it was months ago and yesterday.

Alder slid her gaze away as she continued, “As you were informed this afternoon, this is merely a reconnaissance mission. We’ve received intel that this is a meeting base for a civilian group that has been vocally and intently anti-witch, whom we have been keeping our eye on for several months, now. They’ve been organizing and we have reasonable belief that they may very well be weaponizing, as of this past month. We have been granted executive permission to set up surveillance on this cell. That is what tonight is about. Understood?”

“Yes ma’am,” they chorused back in unison.

It was the most Alder had spoken to her in eight days. So, Tally supposed that was nice, at least, even if it wasn’t just to her.

Nice… and it just made her ache all the more.

Because she missed Alder. She missed the way she looked at Tally like she was something special – like she was interested in everything Tally had to say and like Tally’s questions and comments were worthwhile. She missed the way she laughed, especially when she seemed surprised by Tally’s ability to make her do so. She even missed the way Alder smelled.

To the point that it was making her irritable, even – accidentally – with Raelle and Abigail.

She’d taken Abigail down so hard in training, her eyes had widened in surprise at Tally’s attack, before she’d grunted in pain as she’d gone down, and muttered, “If this is what scorned lover Tally is like, then I think I miss sleep deprived Tally.”

And, she’d obviously felt terrible and helped Abi up, but still.

Gregorio bumped his elbow into Tally’s, taking her back into this moment, as Alder turned away from them. “Intense, right? Even if it is only recon.”

She flickered her eyes to Alder’s back, the strong set of her shoulders in her uniform in the night air as she spoke to one of the drivers of the unmarked vans they’d taken in in hushed tones. Before she took a deep breath and commanded herself to stop.

She faced Gregorio, squaring her shoulders. “Right,” gamely, she tried to smile. “Well, I’m not really sure Ald – General Alder knows how to be anything else.”

He laughed easily. “You’re right on that. It’s pretty cool, though; I mean – we were chosen, above the other covens?” Dawning crossed over his features, before he jokingly bowed down to Tally and doffed an imaginary hat. “Excuse me, Craven, but it seemed to have slipped my mind that you were chosen right out of Basic to go on a special mission with the General. Not many are so fortunate.”

Fortunate… Tally didn’t know if she’d go that far. That mission had led her to think her sisters were dead and she’d been a biddy. It had started her whole journey that she’d gone on in the last few months, that was now ending in her feeling miserable and aching, all of the time.

Still, she rolled her eyes and she drew her shoulders up to full height, giving him a faux-serious look. “Yes, Shellbark, you forget exactly who you’re talking to. Show some respect.”

“I’ll shine your boots every day for the next month to make up for my grievous error,” he bowed again, then again even lower, mimicking shining her literal boots.

Tally laughed, kicking her foot up at him. “You’re–” before she could finish with being an idiot, she stilled.

“I’m not exactly sure about how you interpreted my statements as a joke,” Alder cut in, her voice so cold it could have frozen the world around them had it not already been so frigid as it was the middle of the night in early January. “Only recon as it may be, Private Shellbark, I assure you this could be something that gives us life-saving intelligence against those that would do us harm.”

Gregorio stood up quickly, standing at attention, all traces of laughter gone from his face completely. “Yes, ma’am, I know. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise.”

Alder merely pursed her lips at him, before she cleared her throat to get the attention of everyone else.

“We want this to be as quick and undetectable as possible. We will work in groups of two – each group is to plant their surveillance devices at the coordinates on these maps,” she held up two said maps, “Before looping back to meet here, within the hour. I will proceed closest to the target to set up the most intricate of our systems. I realize that makes my position a bit more precarious, being the most recognizable of us all, as well.” She scanned her eyes over them again, this time – again – ending on Tally. “Therefore, I will be working directly with Craven.”

And even though she felt like an idiot for it, a pleased warmth bloomed inside of her at being chosen. At this being the first time Alder addressed her directly since she’d essentially kicked her out of her office. Alder wasn’t smiling, though, merely nodding seriously at Tally. “I do hope you are prepared to use your Sight this evening?”

Right. She was being paired with Alder for her Sight capabilities – which, that was cool, too. Seriously. Maybe on any other mission with anyone else, she would preen at it. Maybe on any other mission with Alder herself, if she wasn’t still feeling so stung by Alder’s easy dismissal of her, she would feel it.

Tally bit the inside of her cheek. “Always. General.”

“Bellweather and Shellbark, Collar and M,” Alder handed each of the pairs their maps as well as a black box that Tally presumed was the tech they were supposed to be setting up. “M, Shellbark – I believe you two are familiar with these from your Field Tech training?”

They both nodded, accepting the boxes.

“Want me to accidentally maim Shellbark so we have to switch?” Abigail whispered right into her ear, making Tally jump.

“Geez, Tal, you were chosen for your special assignment for your Sight,” Raelle laughed as she bumped her other shoulder. “You didn’t see that coming?”

Tally groaned even as she laughed and shoved at both of her sisters’ shoulders. “Ha-ha.” She looked at Alder’s back as she spoke to one of their drivers again, before reaching for her own surveillance kit. Then snapped back to Abigail. “Thanks for the offer. But I’ll be fine.”

She repeated it to herself – she’d be totally fine. She had to be fine. She had to not be a fucking baby; Alder didn’t owe her anything. They hadn’t been dating or anything even close. Apparently, they hadn’t even been friends.

Abigail’s expression, for her own part, was pained. “Really. It would be nothing. A little slip of the scourge and the Imperatrix might actually stop shoving us together.” Then she scowled. “Do you think Alder is in on it? Is that why–”

“No,” Tally cut her off quickly. “She’s definitely not working with the Imperatrix to force you two together.”

Abigail pursed her lips, but before she said anything else, Alder was in front of them. “Are you ready?”

She was addressing the group, Tally knew that, but it also just felt like she was addressing Tally and Tally alone.

They wordlessly looked at each other before reaching for each other’s hands. They squeezed once in unison, before they split, and Tally took a deep breath. She could do this. She could work with Alder – professionally – as if the last three months hadn’t happened.

“Let’s go.”

They set off down a path in the dark, their boots crunching lightly into the snow below. Tally made sure to keep her eyes ahead of her – not looking at Alder – and stuck close, but not too close that their shoulders brushed.

She’d prove Alder totally wrong. They weren’t inappropriate. This was fine. It didn’t make her heart ache in the least that if this had happened only a few weeks ago, this could have been fun. It would have still been a mission, but it wouldn’t have felt like this.

Instead, Tally was any other cadet, now. And it was fine.

“It is only a reconnaissance mission,” Alder repeated the same thing from earlier, her presence remaining a constant warmth against Tally’s side, even from the inches Tally was making sure to keep between them. “You don’t have anything to fear,” her voice was soft and reassuring.

And Tally closed her eyes with it, because it was comforting. It was something she wanted to sink into, but then it made her buzz – anger and hurt sluicing through her. She missed that voice. She missed it, desperately.

Still, she sent Alder a baffled look, affronted, almost. “I’m not afraid. This is a mission; I’m a soldier.”

Granted, she was a solider who had been on very few actual field missions, but, whatever.

“Craven, I know you well enough to know when you’re tense. I can feel it from here.” She used her free hand to gesture between them.

Aggravated with herself, Tally could feel how tight her shoulders were; Alder wasn’t wrong.

Still, though. “I’m not scared,” she insisted.

Alder sent her a look of disbelief before her features softened. Gentled, just enough for Tally to notice. “I realize the last time you were on a field mission, you became a biddy. That is a stressful incident that was entirely unprecedented, but it only makes sense for it to have some residual holdover. Especially after…” She trailed off, pursing her lips.

And Tally knew she was thinking about the last few months. Residual holdover. What a way to say it.

Alder slowed her pace, reaching out and touching Tally’s elbow as she did. Silently beseeching Tally to slow down the rapid stride she’d unintentionally started.

And even though the touch was so light through her jacket, Tally swore she could feel it right down to her skin. She instinctively slowed with it, falling back into step with Alder.

Was it some sort of insane trick of light that Alder’s eyes were still so bright, even in the dark of night? She had to wonder, as Alder’s gaze settled on Tally’s and held. Looking so sincere as she spoke, her voice low, “I need you to remain assured that I deliberately set us a path just within reach of the biddies so that they can remain with our transport, guarded by those I’ve personally chosen to ensure their safety; you won’t ever be put into that position again.”

It only dawned on Tally in that moment that that was what Alder thought. That Tally was tense because she was nervous about her first – and only – actual mission so far, if she didn’t count Citydrop. The mission where they’d been ambushed helping the Tarim. Where Tally had made the most drastic and impactful choice that she was realizing she would likely ever make, a split-second decision to sacrifice her youth for Alder’s.

And she hated how that concern made her feel absurdly cared for. Before another implication sunk in, and she narrowed her eyes at it and the unpleasant churning feeling it left in her stomach.

She whipped her head around to stare at Alder, hurt and offended. “Is that why you chose me? Because you thought I’d need extra support or that I’d be… weak or worried–”

“No,” Alder but her off swiftly, arching an eyebrow. But she was firm in her answer, “I chose you, because of exactly what I’d said.”

Still, Tally didn’t quite believe her, and she hated the way it sat on her shoulders. Like… like Alder thought she was incapable, unable to go back out into the field because of how much she’d been affected by being a biddy?

Her emotions must have been reflected all over her face, though, because Alder spoke even before she could voice them.

“Do you realize that in the ten minutes we’d been walking so far, you haven’t been following me? You didn’t take any cues from me at all, and, as far as I’m aware, you weren’t provided with a map prior.” Her gaze was laser-sharp on Tally again, both encouraging and impressed. “Without realizing, you’ve been going exactly where we have to go. Instinct. You fell back on your Sight without even realizing it, and knew just where I would be leading. That is why I chose you.”

Damn. Damn it, that feeling was back tenfold. The one where she wanted Alder to think those things about her. To think of her as capable and good and useful and knowing that she did made Tally want to hold her shoulders higher.

“It seems to just be luck, as well, that I can take this moment to assuage any fears you have in the field. It’s not good to carry past tension with you into a new mission.”

“Well, I’m not worried about that,” Tally insisted again, and she didn’t think twice before the words escaped her, “Because, you know what? I’d do it again. If we were out here, and something happened to one of the biddies again, I would do it. Regardless of the dreams or the injuries or the fact that maybe it couldn’t even be reversed again. I would do it.”

And, it was true, she found, as she held Alder’s gaze with her own, defiantly tilting her jaw up at her.

Alder blinked and sucked in a sharp breath, clearly taken aback. Tally had found in the last few months that she enjoyed when she could put Alder off-kilter. Tonight, especially. While Tally had been living her life off-kilter because of Alder for the last week. For the last several months, if she was being honest.

It gave her enough courage to actually say what had been on her mind since the last night in Alder’s office –

“So, no. I’m not worried; I’m hurt. You hurt my feelings the last time we talked.”

Alder’s breath left her on a sharp exhale. “Craven–”

Tally barreled on, feeling the emotion rage through her, “We spent so much time together and you said more than once that you enjoyed talking and getting to know me more, and then you turn around and say that – now that my issue is resolved, our personal relationship, our friendship is done? And then, you show concern for me like that, tonight? It’s – it’s confusing. And it hurts,” her voice started out so strong, then fell to a whisper. A damning whisper, that gave away far too much of the pained feeling that echoed in her chest.

She could see the way she surprised Alder, as she took a slight step back. Putting just a bit more distance between them.

And she waited, heaving in a deep breath after her rant – waiting as Alder blinked at her, then opened her mouth. And closed it. Opened again, and –

“We should continue to our post; it’s just ahead.” Alder adjusted her grip on the equipment she was carrying, nodding her chin toward the spot. “We’re running behind schedule.”

The disappointment was crushing. Tally sighed as she followed, closing her eyes tightly, embarrassment creeping up to mingle with it. Too much. She’d said too much. She didn’t regret it, though. Maybe she would, tomorrow, but it was the truth. It was her truth. And, for that matter –

“So, maybe you don’t care or didn’t feel the same… connection or enjoyment from us getting to know one another, but, there you go. That’s the truth. You don’t know everything. Not even about me, or my tenseness.”

Okay. There. Now, she’d said her peace. And maybe now that she did, she could just… let it go. Or, work on letting it go. She’d realized she had a massive fucking crush on Sarah Alder and had gone above and beyond that, developing this personal impact, and Tally was pretty sure that wasn’t going to easy to get over, but now, maybe she could try.

Alder stopped, shock-still, staring intensely at Tally as her jaw worked. She could see the muscle there, clenched, before she took in a deep breath through her nose and knelt down. The tension in her shoulders was visible, Tally was pretty sure it was more than her own. Regardless, she silently and decisively got to work.

Tally shouldn’t have expected anything less.

She knelt next to Alder, helping her open the case and set up… well, Tally didn’t exactly know what it was, she was pretty enraptured as Alder methodically took it out, sung a quiet humming seed that made the frozen earth open just enough for the device to be placed in it.

“It’s a biometric recognition device,” Alder murmured in explanation. “Top of the line, and just in from D.C.”

Tally nodded curtly, before standing again. This time, she grabbed the case.

Alder stared up at her from where she still knelt, her jaw tight again. She took in a deep breath and Tally’s own caught, waiting…

Before Alder released it. “We just have one camera to place, right up near the warehouse, to the left.”

Tally’s breath whooshed out in disappointment as Alder pushed herself up and they continued to walk.

She wasn’t entirely sure if she was tense or if the air around them was, because Tally swore she could feel it crackling. Something was different, now, shifted, in the energy between them.

It made her miss the past easiness they’d built between them even more.

Alder started hooking up what appeared to be a miniscule camera – which was, admittedly, impressive. Tally was born this century and didn’t know how to put that together – before she spoke again, and made Tally startle from surprise.

“I don’t owe you answers; I do not owe you anything more than what I’ve already shared with you. And on a mission is not the time to bring it up,” her words were low and harsh. But honest, if nothing else. Even as they dug into Tally’s chest painfully. “I would have thought you’d learned that, before.”

Embarrassed, Tally cleared her throat. “I guess you’re right. But, we also haven’t had any other time for me to say it. General,” she added, pointedly.

Alder pursed her lips, intently and intensely working on whatever she held in her hands, still. And she shocked Tally again when she shot back, “I never once told you that I didn’t enjoy our time together; I said it was inappropriate if it was no longer necessary. It wasn’t about feeling, it was a fact,” her words were clear as they cut into the night. “So, you, Tally, also do not know everything, even when the facts are presented to you in such a manner.”

Her mouth fell open in both offense. “I never claimed to know everything or acted like I did! But I’m only ever honest with you, about everything–”

“And I have not been honest with you? I have allowed you to see more of my life than I have allowed anyone, and that is not honest enough?”

Tally had definitely been right; the air was crackling around her as Alder spoke, her tone itself felt like Alder intended to be impassive, but it was instead splintered with emotion.

“But even when it comes to those I have let in before, I have always maintained a sense of… distance. A professional, appropriate, and necessary distance.”

She could feel her heart racing even though she didn’t know what it all meant. Even though she didn’t know if Alder was still rejecting her or not, but she was sharing. This was real, regardless of the defensiveness of her tone.

And, Goddess, she’d missed real Alder in the last week of courteous nods and absolutely no other acknowledgment.

“Major Kvell and Lieutenant Pillaris are married. Sergeant Hopkins and Captain Vega are in a relationship. The number of Privates, Cadets, and Captains who are all entangled are… there’s so many,” the defense slipped out easily, then again, it was something that Tally had thought about every night when she couldn’t quite sleep. “It’s a known fact about those people; we spend almost all of our adult lives here, together! Personal relationships are bound to happen, and it’s not like you can cut relationships off at a rank; especially not you, when no one is at the same rank as you. So, if they can do it, why can’t we?”

She only realized the implications of what she said when Alder’s mouth snapped shut, eyes widening, and Tally backpedaled. “I mean, not that our relationship is the same as theirs, I just – I only meant – I mean,” she cut herself off, taking a deep breath to calm herself. “I only meant – clearly there are rules in place to maintain cross-ranked relationships that are even more… involved than our, uh, friendship.”

She only felt like a little bit of a liar, hoping the darkness hid her burning cheeks as she said it, because she wasn’t sure she could be more emotionally involved in Alder’s life than she felt, now.

But that wasn’t the point, because she wasn’t acting on those emotions.

“Those rules are in place because you are right; we do spend the majority of our lives as witches in the military. And emotional entanglements would be very difficult to avoid. But, as you stated, my rank is different,” Alder pointedly stated, nailing Tally with a look, before she reached down and took another… something from the box she’d been carrying.

Before Tally could argue that point – she didn’t even know how she would, but she could feel the fire burning inside of her after having sat on a simmer all week – Alder frowned, a thoughtful look on her face that Tally had missed.

“And I can’t help but notice that you haven’t even thought about how it could hinder you.”

“Hinder me? How?” Her face scrunched up with the confusion she felt, already shaking her head in disagreement.

“Yes,” Alder swiftly cut in. “Hinder you. You are powerful and capable, even now as young and untrained yet as you are; you have such a rich life and many opportunities ahead of you. But so much of that would be questioned should you have a friendship with me, as,” she cleared her throat, “Deep, as this connection pulls us.”

The realization of what Alder was saying only just started to dawn on her.

And still, Alder continued. “You have been at Fort Salem long enough now to see how fast gossip and rumors can spread. Even this,” Alder gestured around them. “A simple mission, could be misconstrued.”

Which… okay. “I – admit I didn’t think about that,” she admitted, the words falling from her, slowly.

And even as she did think about it, she already knew, “I don’t care, though. Because anyone who knows me, should know what I’m capable of. And anyone who knows you,” she let out a disbelieving laugh at the thought, “Should know you wouldn’t go granting me any professional favors.”

Alder didn’t laugh, though. A frown marred her expression, and Tally swore she was trying to think of more reasons to not –

Tally snapped her head to the right, the tingle in her lower spine starting as she stared into the night, just at the warehouse they could make out. It was relatively unprotected, unassuming looking, but…

“Someone’s coming,” she murmured. “Someone was in there. And they’re coming. Toward us.” She frowned, getting the distinct but somewhat fuzzy image – “They have their own security points. We’re not on the camera, but… something is? Our – energy, maybe?” she could see their security footage, even, and the images were clear.

But the video feed itself looked distorted, almost. Like the plain outside air was – Tally’s mouth fell open; she knew the air had felt electric when Alder had snapped back at her! She narrowed her eyes, fascinated, trying to See even more –

And she only came back to herself, in the moment, as Alder’s hand fell on hers, warm and firm, the look on her face intent and serious. “Run.”

So, Tally did. She turned and ran back from where they’d started, noting that Alder had fallen in step behind her, even though she was a few inches taller and Tally was reasonably certain she could run faster.

When they burst into the opening with the vans, she and Alder didn’t waste any time. They climbed into one, noting that everyone else was already back, as Alder sharply commanded, “Go.”

Tally was still breathing hard as she leaned her head back against the seat. Physically and emotionally utterly drained.

“Where were you?” Abigail hissed into her ear as she leaned forward, the vehicle lurching into action. “We were worried.”

“We were all back, like, twenty minutes ago,” Raelle added as she leaned forward too, reaching up to squeeze Tally’s shoulder.

“We learned they have technology that might be able to detect Work,” Alder murmured, somewhat to herself, but also in answer. “T – Cadet Craven was able to See it.”

Tally only nodded in response, confirming, and her sisters squeezed her shoulders again, before leaning back in their seats, both swearing under their breath.

The ride back to Fort Salem took nearly two hours, and, as they pulled through the gates, she and Alder were the only ones awake. She knew it; felt vividly aware of Alder, as they sat so closely together in the van. It was even closer than they typically sat during their evenings together.

Alder’s body heat, the smell of her – earthier tonight, as if the crispness of the snow and the night air was somehow a part of her – kept Tally buzzing, even as she lolled her head back against the seat, eyes closed.

“You would, wouldn’t you?” Alder asked, her voice so quiet and so close to Tally’s ear, it sent a shiver racing down her spine.

Her eyes snapped open at it, and she turned to face Alder quizzically.

“You would become a biddy again, even with everything that befell you after?” There was something in her words Tally couldn’t quite detect. Akin to wonder, she thought.

Then again, she felt ridiculous for thinking that.

She swallowed hard before admitting the truth. “Yeah. I would.”

And, truthfully, Tally had no idea what it was about her admittance that made Alder close her eyes and roll her lips.

She released a deep breath on a sigh, before the van started to slow upon their return. “You did very well tonight.”

Tally’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, even as she appreciated the praise. “Thank you?”

Alder turned to catch Tally’s eyes, holding, as the van slowly came to a stop. “Come see me, tomorrow evening. If you’d like to.”

//

She was practically vibrating when she opened Alder’s office door the next night. Because, obviously, she would like to.

Then she paused, a few steps into the office, when she noticed Alder wasn’t sitting at her desk, but was instead standing by the window. She was gazing out at the base, her hands clasped behind her back, but she wasn’t standing at attention. It was more a relaxed pose – thoughtful, actually.

And Tally cleared her throat, trepidation working through her. “Um… am I too early? Or late?”

Alder shook her head, her eyes landing on the notebook clutched in Tally’s hand. “Are we going to be discussing your dreams tonight?”

She only just realized she’d brought it, though it was clutched tightly to her. Because the truth was, she’d been thinking about this all day. About what Alder exactly wanted from her, here.

“I don’t know,” she answered, honestly. “I don’t really know what you wanted to discuss, tonight. I figured I should come prepared.”

“How have you been sleeping? Have you been maintaining full nights of rest?”

She almost didn’t want to answer honestly, if it meant their evenings could resume. But Tally had never been a very successful or prolific liar. And the truth was, she only wanted their friendship – their whatever they could call it – if Alder wanted it, too.

“I have been, mostly. At least five or six hours,” she admitted, a rueful smile tugging at her lips. “I guess we’re both just really good problem solvers.”

She was not going to admit that a lot of what was keeping her up now was her emotional turmoil over the woman of her affections cutting off all personal contact.

“So it seems.” Alder bit at the inside of her cheek, before she turned fully away from her perch at the window to face Tally. “You did very good work last night.”

Tally nodded slowly, still feeling uncertain. And hating that she was feeling uncertain here, in this office with Alder and the warm fire crackling, in a space that had previously made her feel so comfortable. “You said that when we were in the van. Thanks.”

Alder took a step closer to her. And it was only then that Tally was fully aware that – Alder’s hair was once again down, cascading over her shoulders, and her uniform was entirely unbuttoned. The most casual it had ever been, between them, and Tally felt ridiculous, because it wasn’t as though it was inappropriate in the least. Alder was entirely covered in the military issue black shirt underneath her uniform top.

But fuck, did it make her heart race.

“You have a gift, Tally.”

Tally. Okay. They were back to Tally. That was promising, and her heart leapt with it.

“A gift so many will never possess, and I would like to… experience it more.”

Tally needed a few seconds to catch up, shaking her head slightly as her thoughts whirled. “This, my coming back, is about my Sight?” She didn’t know whether she should be happy that she intrigued Alder enough for this to start again or disappointed that it wasn’t about her or what, but she shook her head, a desperation moving through her.

“I just, need to know. So that I don’t have the rug pulled out from under me, again. Like, last time was about my dreams,” the exasperation she felt pushed through in those words, unstoppable, since it had become so much more than that to her. “And, if this time is about my Sight, then – okay. I just want to know.”

She nodded with it, waiting for the verdict.

But instead of a simple answer, Alder shocked her – by letting out a rasping laugh. “You… the boldness you have, Craven.”

Craven, at this moment, felt almost like an endearment. How wild it was that a slight change in tone could change the meaning of a word.

Bolstered by it, she shrugged and bit her lip, before drawing in a deep breath.

“I know it’s – it’s inappropriate and I probably shouldn’t say it a second time, maybe even more than I shouldn’t have said it the first time.” Be bold, Tally. “But, I miss you. And I miss spending time with you. So, if it has to be about my dreams, then I’m happy to do that, again. Even if I don’t need it.”

Alder was quiet for a few long seconds, as Tally slowly felt her blush creep back. When she’d said it in the infirmary, Alder had allayed most of her embarrassment by assuring her it was normal. Now, though, was just that look, as she pursed her lips, and –

“I have missed you, as well.”

Tally’s mouth fell open as the surprise rocked through her. It was what she’d been wanting to hear so badly – maybe she’d had a fantasy about Alder saying something similar to her in the last week. But she honestly hadn’t expected to really hear it.  

“In the beginning, I thought… I owed this much to you. To talk with you. But the more we did so, the more I found myself enjoying it. Enjoying,” she cleared her throat, “Your company. Your commentary on my life, hearing your stories. I–” she let out a little, light laugh, unlike even her normal ones, and Tally was pretty sure she’d entered some circle of heaven with the Goddess herself. Alder looked at her and it was so warm, it only added to rapid beat of Tally’s heart. “I’ve become incredibly fond of you, Tally Craven.”

“I – fond, I mean, I’m fond of you, too,” the words bubbled right out of her, and it was so true.

Goddess protect, was she fond of Sarah Alder. In so, so many ways.

“I haven’t had many people I’ve truly let in – many friends, I suppose – in several decades. Even those I do have, now, it is… well, it is different, from this, with you,” she gave Tally a small smile, tinged with exasperation. “It isn’t exactly easy, to hide things from you, when you have that,” she gestured at Tally’s notebook.

Tally grinned, still – already? Always? – flushed with pleasure. “Yeah, well, I guess Izadora doesn’t really have the ability to see your life and all.”

“I’d be alarmed if she developed something for that, yes.” Alder paused, “But, you demand truth, in all of your words and actions, even subconsciously. Even from me, when you have no right to. Not by rank or order,” there was a gentle rebuke there, as she held Tally’s gaze with her own.

Before she could figure out what to say to that, Alder beat her to it. “And I find that I enjoy that boldness. Quite a bit, really.”

“You do?” She breathed out, and she couldn’t have stopped smiling if she’d tried. And she wasn’t trying.

“I do.” Alder nodded, before reigning in her own expression, and she tilted her head at Tally. “So, no. This is not about your Sight. It’s about you.”

Tally didn’t think she’d ever been quite so… giddy. “So this is – a friends thing, now? Like, it’s personal. It’s not rooted in you trying to help me or feeling obligated or anything like that?”

“It’s… a friends thing,” Alder confirmed, an amused smile on her lips, directed right at Tally.

Who was practically bouncing where she stood.

She managed to contain herself, to preserve a bit of decorum. And she managed it for the next hour, as they sat on the couch and slowly relaxed into normal conversation, mostly reviewing the mission from the night before.

It was as she was about to leave, that decorum nearly fled the building entirely. She turned around as she reached the door, as she so often found herself doing, to catch another glimpse of the woman who practically lived on her mind. “Alder? Thank you. For letting me in.”

She watched as Alder took in her words, brow furrowed, before her expression smoothed out. “I think it’s more apt to say you barged in.” But there was a joke in her voice that kept Tally’s butterflies from fading. Alder spoke again as Tally’s hand fell on the doorknob. “Tally? If we’re to be friends… you should call me Sarah.”

Tally whipped around completely, mouth falling open in the shocked delight that zipped right through her. “Really?”

Alder arched an eyebrow at her, expression serious. “Between the two of us, in this office… yes.”

“Okay.” Tally wasn’t sure, but her smile was so bright, it might be forcing the sun up early. Screw salva! She felt like she was flying just like this. “Goodnight… Sarah.”

//

SARAH. Sarah. Sarah.

Goddess. Abigail and Raelle had been right all along – how had she not realized this about herself sooner?

//

Even after the previous few months, Tally couldn’t have predicted what it would be like to… hang out? Was that what they were doing? Whatever they could call it, she hadn’t known what to expect.

It made her nervous, the first night she’d gone back. No notebook in hand. No given topic of conversation to start with. Just… her and Alder. Tally and Sarah. The rush and newness of that still was making her hands shake.

Sarah handed her a glass of wine as they’d sat together that first night, in front of the fire.

Tally looked down at it in surprise.

“You don’t want it?” Sarah asked. She’d reached out a hand, “I figured you would have better luck with that than the whiskey.”

Tally tightened her grasp, pulling it out of Sarah’s reach. “No! I do want it. I just… am surprised. You don’t normally do this?”

She watched as Sarah cleared her throat, swirling the whiskey in her tumbler. And realized in that moment as the quiet beat between them, “You’re not sure what to do, either.”

The look Sarah shot her should have been deadly. If only Tally wasn’t so delighted. How many people got to see Sarah Alder so unsure of herself?

“I’ve never done this, exactly, so… no,” Sarah admitted with a sigh.

Tally dug her teeth into her bottom lip as she sat down, gesturing for Sarah to sit across from her.

Sarah pulled a face. “On the floor?”

Tally laughed, “Goddess, don’t be so proper. Get over here.” She was surprised by her own command. Even more surprised when Sarah listened.

Sarah sat cross-legged, mirroring Tally.

“This is how we sit during bonding activities,” Tally whispered, feeling alive and light as her knees bumped Sarah’s. “It puts us on equal footing.” She took in a deep breath. “Now, what’s your favorite color?”

“My… favorite color?” Incredulity dripped from Sarah’s voice.

Tally only nodded, sipping her wine. Waiting.

Sarah sighed, imperiously. Before answering, “Red.”

“Red?” She didn’t know why it surprised her, but it did.

Sarah sniffed, clearly offended. “Why do you say it like that?”

“I don’t know. I figured you’d like something more… muted.”

Sarah was an array of cool colors in Tally’s mind – the blue of her eyes and her uniform, the black of her hair and her shirts, the gray of the morality and world she’d had to live in.

“Well, I enjoy red. Bright and bold, always noticeable. The color of the blood of my enemies.”

The sip of wine Tally had taken choked her, as she stared wide-eyed at Sarah. Who merely took a sip of her whiskey, before Tally noticed the smile playing around her lips. The laughter left Tally, bright and unstoppable, as she shoved at Sarah’s shoulders.

And it was only easier from there over the next several weeks.

Actually, it was shockingly easy.

Sometimes they talked about their pasts, still, but only when it naturally came up in conversation. About the first time Sarah had summoned a storm of great magnitude when she’d still been in her early teens – all raw power and emotion – to how she’d ended up caring for Anacostia so closely – “She was so by-the-book, so determined to be serious and play by the rules. But there was a softness in her that I saw.”

And Tally refrained from pointing out that Alder probably saw that, because she was so similar.

More often, though, they talked about their present – which Sarah had to be prodded into sharing, at first.

“It’s not appropriate for me to discuss my day-to-day activities,” she’d curtly said, frowning with it, though, as she rubbed her temples. “I shouldn’t tell you half the things I already speak of. And they are mundane enough that you’d be bored by much of it, anyway.”

“I really wouldn’t,” she was quick to insist, embarrassed by the strength of it. “You know you can trust me.” She’d nudged Sarah’s shoulder with her own.

Which had made Sarah huff out a laugh, before she’d quietly said, “I do. And you are irritatingly easy to talk to.”

The words shouldn’t have meant as much to Tally as they did, but… they did mean a lot.

It meant everything to her as Sarah slowly started telling her about her days – from mundane to exciting. From her meetings with General Bellweather to venting about the Hague to little amusing comments from the biddies that Sarah slipped in.

Tally ate every single moment up, as their hangouts started to become even more frequent. Nearly nightly, now, much to the needling she received constantly from Raelle and Abigail – “You literally see her more than I see Scylla,” Raelle had commented the night before, “Like, actually, literally.”

Tally, for her part, had no problem sharing her day-to-day activities. It was more and more commonplace for her to walk into Alder’s office nightly, already talking as she entered. About Raelle and Abigail, about her courses, about her triumphs or frustrations.

The only thing that ever surprised her, really, was how interested Sarah was in it all. In her.

And maybe she couldn’t ever have Alder in the way she was starting to ache for her, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t revel in having her in this way, right?

//

They were out in one of the training fields in early February when Tally realized just how in over her head she truly was, with Sarah.

“That’s it,” Sarah’s voice was low and guiding, coming just from behind her, “Higher register… there you go. A bit more.”

Tally adjusted her seed, trying to hit exactly the right note. And she still couldn’t believe this was even happening, honestly, that Sarah was personally helping her with her weather Work, but – wow.

The night before, she’d plunked down on Sarah’s couch with a container of food, sighing as she’d dug in. “Sorry, I missed dinner and Raelle grabbed this for me. I’m starving.”

She’d picked at the sandwich and chips and sliced veggies, popping them into her mouth, as Sarah moved to sit next to her. She watched Tally devour her food closely, before asking, “What were you doing today that kept you so busy? I thought you said you had a light week this week?”

Tally nodded, chewing thoughtfully. Sarah always remembered details like that, and it never failed to make her feel special. “Yeah, I do. But I have to practice weather Work; it’s the end of Fort Salem’s training year,” she explained, as if Sarah didn’t know.

Tally’s weather Work was… all right. But she wanted it to be better, especially if she wanted to climb ranks faster.

“I can help you,” Sarah offered after a moment.

Tally coughed, surprised. “Really? I mean – isn’t that… wouldn’t that be – preferential treatment or… something?” It had to count as something to have Sarah Alder personally coaching her, right?

Sarah pursed her lips in a slow consideration, before she shrugged. “I don’t believe so; I’ve assisted a great deal of witches in improving their Work over the years, as they have for me at times in the past.”

Tally wasn’t going to turn the offer down; she wasn’t an idiot.

Still, as she stood on the plateau above the field, her arms raised, humming on the seed, everything inside of her felt like a mess. And her Work was reflecting it. On all of the days…

“Enough,” Sarah cut in, ordering, “Take a break.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, Tally did. She reached up to rub slightly at her throat as she squeezed her eyes closed.

Sarah’s hand fell lightly on her shoulder a moment later, her fingers warm and comforting as she squeezed. And then she used that hold to make Tally turn and face her. “There’s something else interfering with your Work. I can feel it.”

Tally let out a deep breath, annoyed and disappointed in herself. “Yeah. I… I’m sorry. You’re trying to help me, and I’m completely blowing it. My head just isn’t in it, right now, I guess. We can stop and just, go back inside,” she offered. Because she was relatively certain the maelstrom of emotions inside of her wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.

Sarah’s frown only deepened, as she shook her head. “No, I’d rather not.” She watched Tally closely, gaze intent on her face. “I’d rather you tell me what’s on your mind. You have been… not yourself, all evening.”

She said it in that way she had – the one where she was questioning but not prying, she was good at that.

And Tally wanted to talk about it. Especially as blue eyes stayed caught on hers, seeming to coax the words right out of her.

“It’s nothing new, is the stupid thing,” a sad laugh escaped her throat. “I just – it’s the compound’s Instatement anniversary; there’s always a big party on Instatement Day… it’s the day we all became a community.” She dug her teeth into her lip, hard, trying to push back the tears that burned the backs of her eyes. And failed. “It became the first official matrifocal compound in the country, sixty years ago, today.”

She could see how today had been, in her mind’s eye. Sight or no, she knew just what it would be. Chilly, as it was still technically winter, but warm enough in the California weather that they could celebrate outdoors. Decorations and party games and music and so much food…

Her throat felt tight and she shook her head to clear the image. It didn’t quite work. “It just hurts. That I can’t – that I’m not a part of it all, anymore. That I feel so separated, because I chose…” She trailed off, gesturing around them, as she hastily wiped at her eyes. “I don’t mean that I regret it, because I don’t. I had to do what I felt was right. And I just don’t understand why my mom can’t see that. Or if she ever will. And sometimes it feels like she – she thinks I’m dead already just because I’m here at all. Like I died the day I answered the call.”

It had certainly felt like that earlier, when they’d talked on the phone. Glory had gone back; she’d been granted two days leave for their Instatement Day. And Tally had ached with it in a different way than she had on Yule. Because this was a day that so few people experienced or really understood. Something that was unique to her specific community.

She braced her arms around herself, willing herself to pull it together. It wasn’t like Tally was ashamed of tears – she absolutely wasn’t. But even after this shift in their relationship, she didn’t think it was appropriate in front of Sarah.

And her breath hitched in her throat, surprise shooting through her, as she found herself pulled right against Sarah. One of Sarah’s arms wrapped around her back tightly, securely, and the other cradled her head, pulling Tally cheek-to-cheek.

Tally stood shock-still for several moments, because – even when they’d hugged on Yule, it hadn’t been like this. This was a standing up, full-bodied embrace, something softer and tighter and more intimate. This was Sarah holding Tally, her fingers stroking through her hair.

She wondered if Sarah could feel how hard her heart was racing in her chest or feel the way her breath shuddered out or the way she shivered all over. She desperately hoped not, even as she sank into the touch.

Because it was electrifying and also comforting, and she didn’t know how Sarah managed to make her feel both of those things at once, but here they were.

She barely even realized she’d wrapped her own arms around Sarah’s slim but strong frame, grasping tightly, until she felt herself melt so completely into her, inhaling with it. Because, Goddess, Sarah smelled so good. And she couldn’t believe they were so close, and –

It calmed her, she realized, taking in a deep, tremulous breath. This, for the first time all day, truly calmed her.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Sometimes, I think about what you’ve gone through, about your family, and it makes this seem… way less important.”

Because her mom was still alive, she was alive, they were technically fine –

“No,” Sarah’s voice was low in her ear, soft but firm. “This? Tally, this is the most important. My family…” The deep breath Sarah took in pushed her impossibly closer to Tally and her hands tightened on Sarah’s back with it before she could help it. “My family is gone. I have had hundreds of years to cope with that and some days, it can still be trying. What you are going through is different and current and difficult. Do not apologize for that.”

The words burrowed deep into Tally’s chest as she burrowed even closer.

She didn’t want to pull back. She didn’t want to move at all. She wanted to stay right there, in that touch, for as long as time could possibly allow.

And when Sarah did, eventually, pull back, Tally swayed slightly and missed her strength, before she – embarrassingly – caught herself.

Sarah didn’t go far, though.

She stayed only inches away from Tally, catching and holding her gaze. Her eyes were alight with empathy and concern and an unyielding strength that she latched onto, as Sarah asked, “Do you know how rare it is, Tally, to find someone with the strength of the courage of their convictions that you have?”

Tally minutely shook her head, not expecting that. “I can only do or say what feels right to me, regardless of what it is.” She answered, her throat feeling raw.

“Exactly,” the power in that word alone rocked through her, as Sarah swayed even closer. She was only inches away, and Tally had no idea how to organize everything she was feeling right at this moment, but this definitely only added to the chaos.

So, so close. Her heart pounded.

And it only got stronger when Sarah reached up and rested her hands on Tally’s jaw, tilting Tally’s head up to look right at her. Their gazes locked, and Tally felt it, right down to her toes. Through everything she was.

“I have known many witches. Many soldiers. More than I could possibly recount, even in my considerable memories. But the strength in you, to follow through with your abject beliefs is unparalleled. It can be frustrating, maddening, even.” She arched an eyebrow down at Tally, still cupping her jaw, the softness of her skin with the slight roughness of her calluses making Tally shiver. And she hoped with everything she was, once again, that Sarah didn’t notice. “But you do not waver, and that is so very admirable. I’m not sure you realize just how rare it is.”

She had to swallow hard at Sarah’s words, the meaning of them making her so… proud of herself, ridiculously so. Humble and proud, both at once, to be genuinely admired by Sarah like that.

Humble and proud and cared for and grateful and somehow, the awful feelings that had plagued her since this morning that hadn’t gone away in spite of her own – and Abigail and Raelle’s – best efforts, became background noise.

Because right now, everything boiled down to this. To her and Sarah, and the eye contact Sarah held with her, and the strong, assertive, genuine care in her words, to the feeling of her skin on Tally’s. Her heart sang with it, her stomach dipping, and…

“Thanks. For saying it,” she managed to push out, her throat so dry.

“I rarely say things I don’t wholly believe,” Sarah’s eyes were blazing, as if needing to make sure Tally heard her, before she leaned back once more, her hands slowly falling to her sides.

And, oh, Tally had heard her. She’d heard every syllable, every rasping word. She wasn’t sure she would ever stop hearing it, not with the way she felt so dazed from it.

She was… in big, big trouble.

//

“I think I might be in love with Sarah,” she whispered out loud, mostly to herself, that night in bed. Because she just needed to hear it.

She could still feel it – the echoes of Sarah’s touch carding through her hair, cupping her jaw. The way she’d held Tally – so close, as if nothing could or would ever touch her if Sarah was there. How her words had made Tally feel so worthy and good and strong, even on a day where she’d spent most of it feeling the exact opposite.

And when she said it aloud… it all settled. Yes. She definitely was. It was the only word that could possibly fit the feelings coursing so strongly through her body.

“I think I figured that out when you almost bit my head off during the week she wasn’t talking to you,” Raelle’s voice floated up to her from her bottom bunk.

“Goddess protect us all,” Abigail threw in.

“I can handle it,” she’d thrown back, because – she could.

She could totally… handle it.

//

Being in love with Sarah Alder felt like standing on the precipice of both salvation and the damned.

Was it wise? To spend almost every night with Sarah, curled up on the couch in her office talking and laughing with the fire keeping them warm? To have Sarah teaching her card games that she’d played when she’d been out on missions from centuries past? To sit with Sarah as she sometimes finished up paperwork and Tally chatted about her day or would finish up her own work?

Maybe not.

Because every single time they spent together, wrapped up in this space that was theirs – especially now that Sarah often shed her uniform jacket entirely and wore her fitted long-sleeved t-shirts that she wore while she was – Tally presumed – genuinely relaxing – Tally felt even more certain that this was something.

And it was addictive.

So, so addictive. She just – she couldn’t cut it off. She wouldn’t.

Because nothing felt like this. Nothing ever lit her up as easily as Sarah had the previous week, just by giving Tally a long, searching look, lifting her eyebrows ever so slightly, as she’d said, “There’s something I would really like to do with you.”

Just those words had Tally’s throat running dry, heat streaking through her, and, “I – yeah? What,” she’d had to clear her throat, then, because it was too much. “What do you want to… do?”

Sarah had tilted her head, then, gesturing at the chairs they’d never sat in, over by the small table near the windows. “I’d like to work with you a bit on your Sight. In chess.”

And Tally’s heartrate exponentially slowed, the words jarring her. “Chess,” she’d repeated, simultaneously disappointed and also resisting the urge to laugh ridiculously at herself.

“Yes. The work you do with your Sight so far in training is… as if you’re fine-tuning it as if it were a gross skill. You are so gifted, Tally, I don’t even think you realize. And you’ll work more on that, in the coming year. But I’d like to work with you to use your Sight like a fine skill. I want you to concentrate on predicting my next moves.” A devastatingly sexy grin had flashed over her face. “I challenge you to beat me.”

And just like that, Sarah’s words bucked any of the disappointment that all she’d wanted to do with Tally was play chess.

She hadn’t yet won, though they’d played nightly for the last ten days, though she had gotten close a few times. And working like this – one on one, with Sarah’s low, coaching tones – was helping give Tally some control over her Sight in these moments, which was thrilling in its own way.

They were playing chess when she found herself asking, “Have you ever been in love?”

And really, it just slipped out. She squeezed her eyes closed at herself – of course she’d wanted to ask that and other questions like that many times, but she’d been good and had refrained.

But, ugh, this wasn’t her fault! They were sitting across from one another, their knees rubbing against one another’s every time they moved, and the fire glinted off of Sarah’s skin and her hair was tumbled over her shoulder and she’d been teasing Tally moments ago about beating her in the game, and she’d just felt –

She just felt.

Sarah had been looking down at the chess board, that fiercely intelligent and competitive and hot as hell look she usually had when they played slipping away, as she slid a questioning – almost startled – look toward Tally. “Excuse me?”

She could feel herself blush as she sat up a little straighter. She ran her fingertips over the edge of the table, so close to touching Sarah’s free hand but stopping just shy of doing so, and moving back toward herself. “Have you ever, you know, been in love? We’ve never talked about… that.”

“What on earth prompted that question?”

“It is Valentine’s Day,” Tally knocked her knees against Sarah’s deliberately, even as her stomach tied up with anticipation. Because this was an avenue they’d never gone down, before. Even after their months of delving into Sarah’s past. “Love, romance, gifts… the works.”

“Valentine’s Day,” the scoff escaped Sarah as she tossed her hair back, “Representing love and romance? Christian feasts somehow becoming a commercialized showing of love – civilians make the oddest of choices sometimes.”

Tally’s mouth fell open as she nudged Sarah again. “It’s not… odd. It’s nice!”

“Tally, you are a witch. How have you become so intrigued with this holiday?” Sarah nudged her back.

“I went to a civilian school,” she reminded her, “And there are civilians who live on the compound.”

“And have you a Valentine, then?” Sarah asked, narrowing her eyes.

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Tally immediately regretted the words as they left her, stomach twisting in knots as the absolute longing hit her. She was in Sarah’s office, in the firelight, in a late evening during Valentine’s Day. But… she ached with the knowledge that it wasn’t in the way she so desperately yearned for. She coughed, hoping her hair hid some of her blush as she ducked her head to look down at the game and slide a pawn forward for her next move. “I mean. It’s not like I’m out with anyone else.”

“Right,” Sarah murmured after a few beats. “Do you wish you were?”

Tally’s breath caught in her throat as she stared at Sarah, itching to touch her more than just where their legs brushed. “No,” she whispered, honestly.

Sarah swallowed as she nodded, clearing her throat, pointing out, “Well, we have never covered your romantic pursuits, either. For all I know, there is a young man out there who has captured your affections.” She pursed her lips and moved her bishop a few spots.

Tally felt an absurd laugh bubble up at both young and man as she shook her head. “Um, no. There’s no young man.”

If Sarah had any clue…

“Never?” Sarah’s eyebrows rose, disbelief clear on her face. “I find that difficult to imagine.”

Yeah, Tally was definitely blushing as she toyed with her fingers in her lap. “I mean, there was one guy. Just the once… last Beltane.” And even though it hadn’t been love with Gerit – she knew that now, in comparison to the magnitude she’d felt for him that she now felt for the woman sitting across from her – the feeling of being discarded like that still stung, a bit.

She grimaced at it.

And Sarah didn’t miss a beat, her own face pulling into a frown as she sat up straighter. “Did this boy hurt you?”

“Not… physically.”

“As if he could. He would be no match for you,” Sarah sniffed, nodding approvingly.

Which made Tally’s heart do that flutter-thing, as she smiled, and forced a shrug. “He… we had sex, and I had this – I was infatuated with him. And I thought he was with me?”

“Hmm,” Sarah’s lips drew into a thin line.

Tally dropped her gaze back to the board, a little embarrassed at it all, studying the pieces closely, before she moved her knight and took one of Sarah’s pawns.

“Then, he turned out to be, uh, engaged. Which really sucked.” She blew out a deep breath. “So, not a great introduction into romance.”

“I would certainly say so,” Sarah’s voice was nearly a growl, and Tally whipped her head up. There was a thunderous expression she hadn’t anticipated, her eyes widening in surprise at it. And… yeah, okay, it also set a bit of heat pulsing low inside of her. The sheer ferocity. “What is this boy’s name?”

Tally was already shaking her head, swallowing hard. “Why?” She rubbed her hand over her eyes, forcing herself to stop looking at Sarah.

“I’m not sure if you are aware, Tally, but I have some say in what can become of those in the witch community.” The barely veiled threat mixed with the joking tone – pure Sarah.

“What did you have in mind? Latrine cleaner? Daddy day care worker for the crying corner?”

“Scourge test dummy,” Sarah’s immediate dry response made Tally throw her head back in laughter, as she kicked her socked foot against Sarah’s leg.

Sarah, for her part, looked equally satisfied with herself and like she actually would like to make Gerit a scourge test dummy. Then even more satisfied as she moved her bishop again to capture Tally’s knight.

“I’ll keep his name to myself, I think. I don’t care enough about him, anymore,” she said, staring at Sarah as she came down from her chuckling.

“On the contrary, I think you care very much. About most people. It is one of your finest qualities, and that boy did not deserve it.” She paused, before murmuring, “I hope the next one will.”

Tally swore her heart was in her throat at the sincere tone Sarah used and the intent, serious look on her face.

“I know that the next person will.”

Sarah’s eyebrows lifted nearly imperceptibly.

She took in a deep breath, slowly letting it out as she slid her pawn forward and asked, “So, I asked you first. Have you been in love? Because… you’ve never handfasted. Right?”

Tally was positive that would have been in one of her dreams or at least a biography. And she waited on pins and needles for the answer, for any more knowledge than she currently had about this –

“No,” Sarah’s answer was short. “To both.”

Tally stared at her, baffled. “But – I mean – you’ve been alive for hundreds of years? How is that possible? Like. People have definitely fallen for you, clearly–”

“Clearly,” Sarah repeated, amusement clear in her tone.

And Tally breathed out an nervous laugh, shaking her head as she shot Sarah a look. “I mean, you’re – you. You’re Sarah Alder. Of course people have… you know…”

“Yes,” Sarah cut in again, thankfully putting Tally out of her misery. “There have been… interested parties over the years. Occasionally, partners. They were typically sexual in nature, more than romantic.”

She nearly choked all over again at Sarah discussing anything sexual in nature, and she stared at her. “Oh?” Goddess. “Like, the Witchfather?”

Sarah nodded, a contemplative look on her face. “On Beltane, yes. Most often, they have been soldiers. Other witches.”

Soldiers. Witches. Which meant – women. And, like, right. Tally wasn’t necessarily surprised by the fact, but there was a thrill that went right down her spine and then settled in her stomach.

“But, um, no one – special?”

Sarah stared back at Tally. “There have been women I’ve cared for. But…” She swallowed, a frown marring her face. “I’ve been alive for so many years and likely will be for many more. Handfasting, as I cannot bear children, would be a matter only of the heart, for me. And that has never been something I have given, so wholly. And–” She abruptly cut herself off, pursing her lips as she dropped her gaze from Tally’s own and stared down at the chess board intensely, before rubbing her hand over her chest.

Her heart, Tally thought, utterly mesmerised.

“In the start of my life, I was so overwhelmed by – this,” she gestured around them, “My youth was bogged down in persecution and fear and all too soon, I was in a role that I was not prepared for. That kept me far too busy and far too…”

Her gaze held Tally’s own, entirely captivating, because – there was so much inside of Sarah. In her life and her memories and her thoughts. There was so much in just that look, before Sarah broke it off and looked down to study the board.

Her voice was a bit rougher as she spoke, “I’d become hard before I ever had the chance to truly be… soft. And letting someone in, enough to truly open myself up to handfast with them, as I am quite sure you are aware about me, is not something I can do.”

Tally’s own heart ached with the honesty in Sarah’s voice, at the frank assessment of herself. “You let me in.”

The words escaped her before she could think about them, and she waited for long, heart-pounding seconds for Sarah’s response, biting her cheek as her heart pounded.

“You… are different,” Sarah’s voice was soft but factual.

And Tally didn’t know how to handle the feelings that sent spiralling through her. It was so… confusing, because she was different. Sarah let her in, in a way she’d apparently never allowed anyone else, and the honor of that, the pleasure of it, echoed through her.

But also, Tally was different. Because she wasn’t Sarah’s partner.

Sarah made a move on the board, before she spoke again. “All of this to say, I do not believe handfasting is in the cards for me. All of… that, is not for me.”

It shouldn’t invoke a crushing feeling. It wasn’t as though Tally actually believed that was a possibility for them, but still, the dismissal of it – was achy in her chest.

“Well… I’m glad you let me in. Even if you didn’t really have a choice,” she managed a smile through the feeling inside of her. Because, as Sarah had once said, she did sort of barge her way in. “It’s once in a lifetime, you know?”

Sarah huffed out a quiet laugh as she slid her rook forward.

“What? Was that silly?”

Sarah blinked at her, gaze intense as it so often was – “Not silly, no. I suppose I don’t think there are many things that are truly once in a lifetime,” Sarah mused. “When you live long enough, people cease to surprise you. It truly all is, as the civilian song says, a little bit of history repeating.”

Tally didn’t know why she found that answer disheartening. She nodded at it, turning the words over in her mind, as she made her next move. “Don’t you think, though, that’s a little… sad?”

“It’s realistic,” Sarah corrected, swiftly taking Tally’s bishop with her rook. Damn. She smirked slightly, victoriously, at Tally as she did so. “You, are simply an optimist.”

Tally studied the board. “Is it optimistic to want to think that some things are just – special? That there are some people or places or moments in time that are one of a kind? Memorable? Isn’t that what makes everything worth it?”

Her breath caught in her throat as she glanced at Sarah through her lashes. Because, regardless of how foolish it was or ridiculous and unrequited and naïve and optimistic, this was once in a lifetime, for her. These nights with Sarah, the quiet intimacy that she got to share with her even if it wasn’t romantic and even if it might crush Tally’s heart one day when she would have to figure out how to move on – or even if she could – this was special.

No one else got it, she knew that. Not the biddies, not Anacostia, not even past lovers, if Sarah’s comments were true, and Tally believed wholly that they were.

Her heart thumped with it, painful and full and warm, in the way it was with Sarah, now.

She swallowed it back as best she could, lowering her eyes back to the board – and, oh. She blinked, her Sight hitting her in flashes, and going with what she saw, she moved her knight.

Sarah hummed at her choice, keeping her eyes down, that look of concentration on her face as she slowly maneuvered her queen to take Tally’s knight. “I didn’t say some people or places or moments weren’t memorable. And many times over the years, as you should be well-aware from our conversations, I’ve pondered what exactly it is that makes everything worth it. What makes certain moments so memorable.”

Tally could barely hold back her sudden glee as she slid her lowly little pawn forward and took Sarah’s queen. Sight – unlocked. “Maybe this will be one of those moments.”

Sarah’s mouth fell open. “You sly little – you deliberately distracted me with philosophical topics to hinder my game.”

Tally laughed. “Is that what I did?”

“And having your Sight… hmm,” Sarah muttered, and Tally revelled in the look on her face that was both aghast at herself for losing a game of strategy and very clearly proud of and pleased for Tally.

She nearly ached with it, with the power and complexity of Sarah’s expressions, especially when they were aimed at her.

“Don’t be a sore loser, Sarah,” Tally was now able to slide her queen forward, to checkmate Sarah’s king, giving her pawn a little pet as she did so. “Sometimes these little tiny pieces you can have a ton of are the special ones that have a lot more power than you think.”

“Oh, believe me,” Sarah murmured as she closely studied the board before flicking her gaze to Tally. “I know.”

//

It was only once, in early March, that she missed one of their nights together.

And it wasn’t really her fault. It was technically the nature of the job.

Sekhmet had been sent on their first independent assignment. It was simple, admittedly – there was intel they’d gathered from the tech they’d planted at the warehouse a few months ago that there was a potential headquarters, buried in the woods in Maine. They’d flown in on a bat, landing about a few miles out.

“The home should be empty,” M had informed them from their intel. “Shellbark and I will go in while you surveille and secure the perimeter.”

It seemed easy enough, and it was.

Enough that, as they walked the length of the unkempt yard, their conversation turned, as it often did, to Sarah.

“As thrilling as it really is to hear about the chess games and half-stories where you redact sensitive or private information, I’m still on the board of you not spending more time with Alder,” Abigail poked around the fence they were walking near.

And – “I know, because you’ve only said it about a million times.”

Both Raelle and Abigail had given her warnings around falling for Alder, increasingly in the last month. Tally huffed out a sigh as they walked, “Abigail, being with Adil goes against everything your family has done for centuries,” she challenged.

Raelle laughed, shoving at Abigail. “She’s not wrong.”

“Rae, your girlfriend was literally Spree, did that stop you from being with her? I’m not even with Sarah.” Unfortunately. “So, I think maybe the two of you are living in a glass house with some giant rocks.”

Raelle’s mouth had fallen open as Abigail’s laughter shot out. “Oh, that was tough. Did that one hurt?”

Tally grinned, triumphantly, continuing to walk ahead of them.

Raelle blew out a breath, tilting her head up at Tally as she mock-bowed down. “There’s something even more fun about you when you get a little mean. Right, Ab?”

“Absolutely. When Tally’s claws come out, there’s something beautiful in that moment,” Abigail mock-wiped away a tear.

Tally spun to be able to look at them as she walked backwards. “Thank you, thank you, I–” her eyes widened, a sickening feeling churning in her stomach. Because she Saw the wire, just as Raelle stepped forward, “Wait, sto–”

The warning hadn’t completely left her mouth before they heard a quiet click, and a pain pierced Tally’s thigh before she fully realized what had happened. She was down on the ground, her leg unable to support her weight within seconds, and it hurt so badly, her vision clouded with it as she gasped.

She heard both of her sisters shout for her, and that was… it.

Tally huffed out a breath, rolling onto her side trying to get comfortable. As if that were really possible in the infirmary bed, but – yeah.  

She grimaced as the pain shot through her leg, groaning under her breath.  

According to everyone’s accounts, there had been tripwires set up strategically through the land, and Raelle had – as Tally had Seen a second too late – set one off. And because Tally had been standing in front of her, the three arrows that had been shot with the cable-driven fall-away launch had driven home right through her leg.

That explained the piercing pain. One had cut a jagged laceration, one had hit bone, and the third had just nicked her femoral artery. Which explained how quickly she’d lost consciousness, and the fact that Raelle’s healing and the link with Abigail and Gregorio didn’t fully work, either. It kept her alive, though, so it counted.

Still sore, though, even after having been brought back to Fort Salem and worked on by their healers.

“You shouldn’t move so much,” Sarah’s voice came from the doorway, and Tally froze at it, turning to look at her in surprise. Only slightly in pain from the movement.

She would admit… it had hurt, when she’d woken in the infirmary hours ago and had everyone else come by and sit with her – Abigail and Raelle, Scylla, M, Gregorio, even Anacostia had popped in for a few minutes after dinner – and no Sarah, even though it was well after midnight.

And yet, her appearance lit Tally up. Comforting, in a way few other things could be, after a painful and honestly kind of terrifying evening. The biddies filtered in after her, all settling in the seats near the entrance, quiet in the night.

“You’ll aggravate the wound. Just because the Fixers and doctors managed to close it does not mean you are in fighting shape,” Sarah’s tone was firm, just edging on scolding.

“Not even in moving shape, apparently,” she grunted, and ignored Sarah’s advice so she could adjust to sit up against her pillows, dragging her leg up the bed slowly as she shifted.

Sarah frowned even as she shot forward. She took one of Tally’s hands firmly, using her strength to pull Tally up swiftly, as she used her other hand to adjust her pillows so she could recline against them. “Stubborn,” Sarah muttered, exasperation all over her voice.

“You’d know what that looks like,” she ribbed, hissing out a breath at the soreness that shot down her thigh.

“A comedienne in our very midst,” Sarah shot back, dryly, before she cleared her throat. “I was just delivering some paperwork and thought, as I was walking by, that I would see how you’re doing? Though, you should be sleeping, after the day you’ve had.”

Her tone was nearly… impassive, in a way. Factual, almost. Even less personal than it had been when she’d come to check up on Tally after she’d been un-biddied all those months ago. And it confused her at the same time as stung painfully at her heart. It was so unlike the Sarah she normally talked to – it wasn’t them.

“You were delivering paperwork at one in the morning?” Tally asked, incredulous.

Sarah straightened her shoulders as she arched a look at her. “Well, I did not have any company this evening to usher me into not working late into the night.”

“I was a little busy,” Tally scoffed, before she pulled the covers aside.

Her thigh was wrapped, the bandages having been changed a couple of hours ago, and were no longer bloody. The wound was closed, but still so tender.

“I can’t sleep,” she admitted quietly. “I’ve been trying, but I…” She broke off, before letting out a self-conscious chuckle. “It’s my own injury scares stealing my sleep tonight.”

She almost startled, looking up from her leg when she felt the bed dip, Sarah’s hip pressed snugly against her waist, as she leaned over and lightly – so lightly – placed her hand on Tally’s bare thigh, just below the bandage.

Her breath caught at the touch and it took a concentrated effort to hold entirely still.

“It should heal, totally back to normal, in the next couple of weeks. I’ll, um, have a few scars, though,” she whispered, staring at Sarah’s hand on her and concentrating on not breathing fast.

Sarah’s thumb stroked gently. “Yes, I thought that might be the case. Arrow scars can be very simple, but when they lodge deeply it can become tricky. I have a few myself.”

“Well, women love scars, right?” She bit her lip as soon as she spoke, silently cursing herself.

Especially as Sarah was quiet for several beats, before she confirmed with a shake of her head, “Indeed.”

Sarah’s gaze was intently looking down at the bandage, but Tally’s was on Sarah’s face, unable to look away.

“I’m really glad you came to see me,” she whispered.

She watched the muscle in Sarah’s jaw tick as she took her hand back, landing in her own lap, as she flicked her gaze up to Tally’s face. “I…” she coughed. “I was in here, before you were allowed visitors. When you first arrived, and they were working on you.”

Tally searched her face, trying – and failing – to ignore the cared for feeling that bloomed in her chest and slid through her. “You were?”

Because she hated to admit it, she really did. She hated to think of the concerned looks she would get from Abigail and Raelle if she admitted it. But the fact that Sarah didn’t come to see her before this had weighed on her… heavily. Even when she’d reminded herself forcefully that she was the damn General of the military and had a lot more to do.

“Yes, I… well, it was before your unit would be allowed to see you, and I didn’t want you to feel as though you were alone.” Her tone was matter-of-fact, but Tally could finally see the cracks in her façade.

“You were worried about me,” she surmised, her surprise her evident in her voice. As was her smile.

“Tally, I have seen soldiers wounded far worse than what happened to you before they were healed. You were able to make it back to base without bleeding out; I knew by the time you were with our doctors you’d be just fine.” Sarah shook her head as if Tally’s statement was ludicrous.

And still, the wonder of it swept right through her. “You were worried. I know you, Sarah. I can see that you’re trying to hide it.”

Sarah cut her a glare, as silence reigned between them. A standoff for several beats, before, “I was a little concerned.”

Tally grinned, wiggling her not injured foot a little at the swooping feeling in her stomach. “That’s all you had to say.”

She didn’t anticipate at all the way Sarah’s hand reached out and took hers, holding it warmly, her grip a little too firm to be comfortable, but the urgency in the touch made Tally feel all the better for it.

She squeezed back, hard, closing her eyes as she settled into the pillows behind her. The stress of the day hit her in the moment, forcing her to take a deep breath to hold it all back.

She’d nearly bled out, according to the doctors on base. She’d had to have surgery even after the field Work. On such a simple mission, her very first one with her unit in charge and no higher command. It really all could be over in an instant –

“Tally, look at me,” Sarah’s voice was quiet and firm and so close, her warm breath washed over Tally’s cheek.

She opened teary eyes, surprised to find Sarah reclined back on the pillow with her. Not laying, but… relaxed. Close.

“Your first serious field injury, one in which you come close to looking at your own mortality, is a harrowing experience, no matter when it happens. In a way, it could be a positive thing that it happened to you so early in your career,” she lightened her voice and sounded so reasonable in that explanation, it made Tally huff out a laugh.

“Yeah, it feels great.”

And with her laugh, she felt one of her tears roll down her cheek. Traitor.

Sarah reached up and brushed it away with her thumb, before using the warm pads of her fingertips to brush so softly under Tally’s eyes.

“My first truly life-threatening injury was in combat, in 1703. I’d been extremely fortunate prior to that,” Sarah nodded, her voice taking on that tone she got when she got lost in thought. “I don’t believe we discussed it before?”

Tally immediately shook her head; she definitely didn’t remember.

Sarah settled back more comfortably against their now shared pillow, adjusting her arm over the top so that Tally unintentionally fell against her. Her shoulder wedged snugly but comfortably between Sarah’s side and the pillows, her head falling against her arm.

She felt the echo of that closeness pull through her, burning through every vein, every bad thought, every worry, until all she felt was Sarah so close.

Even as she revelled in it, she tried to shift away after a few seconds of solace. “I – sorry–”

But Sarah’s arm, the one wrapped around her shoulders via having been propped up on the pillow, slid closer and settled Tally’s movements. She couldn’t breathe with it. “Don’t move. Settle in.”

As if following Sarah’s words like a command, she did, and melted into her side. Goddess, she smelled so wonderful this close.

“This is a sleep issue I believe I have the answer for this time,” Sarah murmured, not removing the hand that now rested on Tally’s bare shoulder from the tank top she wore. She shivered at it. “After a time like that, you can’t sleep until you know you’re safe.”

She already felt inexplicably safe. Safer than she’d ever felt before.

“Now, relax, and I will tell you about being nearly run through with a karabela.” Sarah smoothed her fingers back and forth warmly over Tally’s arm as she spoke.

She laughed. “That’s what I call a relaxing story.”

“Hush,” Sarah chided. “I was on the battlefield in what is now Poland, in the Great Northern War…”

In spite of her joke, Sarah’s story and the cadence of her voice and the feeling of her pressed against Tally was exactly what she needed. She was barely able to keep her eyes open, drowsiness taking over, within minutes.

It was exquisite torture, Tally thought in that moment.

Being in love with Sarah Alder was deliciously painful. Because as good as it felt, being held and warm and close, she knew it wasn’t real. This wasn’t in the way she wanted, the way she yearned for, the way she thought about in fantasies she did her damndest to not get lost in.

She wouldn’t have this in the way she craved, deeper than she’d ever craved anything in her life.

And yet… she nuzzled in a bit closer, anyway.

//

Even after that, Tally managed to convince herself she had everything under control for a little while longer. At least, until the following week.

Tally slowly meandered through one of the long paths around the campus, back toward the main entrances, six days post-injury. Six days post falling asleep snuggled into Sarah’s side in the infirmary, lulled into security by the soft sound of her voice. She’d woken alone, of course, and that hadn’t felt great, but it was a reality check she clearly needed.

She was still not allowed back in hand-to-hand training – or any physical combat training – for at least another week. Which, would have been just fine.

Only, Raelle and Abigail were clearly still in training, and Sarah had been gone for the better part of the week, which had left Tally utterly at a loss for what to do during all of this free time. It made her feel antsy and a little down, if she was honest. She felt better; she was ready.

And, admittedly, the fact that her nights with Sarah were not happening also played into the glum mood she’d been pulled into. Especially because she hadn’t really gotten a true goodbye.

A note had been slid under her door –

Tally,

I’m sorry for having to leave on short notice, but the meeting I discussed with you was unexpectedly moved up. I’m not quite pleased about it, myself, but, as you are aware now that you’ve gotten a look behind the – likely relatively boring – curtain of what the ins and outs of my days are like, I don’t have the power to declare when/where/who I get to meet with all of the time.

Dreadful, as I think life would be far better if I was the one making all of those decisions. Don’t you?

I shouldn’t be gone for long. Back by the end of the week, most likely. But my transport leaves in 30 minutes, and I’m going to be lucky to make it on time as it is, and I know you are finishing your Off-Canon project presentation right now. I’m sure it’s going well – please remember to tell me more of it when I return.

I trust you will make responsible decisions in my absence.

Be well and most of all, be safe.

Sarah

Admittedly, it did make her feel… all sorts of things, that Sarah had thought of her like that. That she’d taken the time to make Tally aware of the fact that she’d be gone and where she was going.

Tally drew up short, stumbling to a stop as she saw Sarah, right at the main entrance. As if summoned by Tally’s thoughts – which, in fairness, if she’d had that power, Sarah would have been back a whole hell of a lot sooner.

“Sa–General Alder!” She just managed to catch herself, fully aware that they were in public, even if there was no one around. “You’re back. Hi!”

She jogged to reach her, only with the most minor of twinges in her leg. Perfectly fine.

Sarah lifted her eyebrows, the slightest grin tugging at her mouth. Just enough that it melted Tally. “Cadet Craven. Hi back.” It disappeared into a critical frown. “Should you be running on that leg?”

Tally tapped her palm against the thigh in question. “It’s totally fine. I mean, someone barred me from going back to field exercises yet, but I feel perfectly fine,” she shot Sarah a pointed look.

Sarah sniffed. “If someone did that, it’s because that was the doctor recommendation and you do not want to injure yourself further.”

Still, Tally didn’t have it in her to begrudge the fact that she’d been kept out of training from Sarah and the doctors. Not when Sarah was back.

She shrugged and waved at the biddies, “And, hello to all of you, too.” They grinned and nodded back at her before she snapped her gaze back to Sarah. “How was Sweden? When did you return? Are you going back to your office now or are you still busy? Maybe we could talk, a little?”

Sarah waited a few moments, before she teased, “Ah, is that all you’d like to know?”

She flushed, but maintained eye contact. She was a curious person; sue her.

“Well, Sweden was quite eventful. Full of meetings and,” she sighed and waved her hand, “Bureaucracy.” She held up a second finger, as if ticking through Tally’s questions, “I returned approximately,” she checked her watch, “Twenty minutes ago, to give a few directives to General Bellweather.” The third item. “And before I can settle in, I have to go off-base for a meeting with the Witchfather at the workshops. There were a few discussions pertaining to weapon and defense production that he needs to be made aware of.”

“Oh! That’s – okay,” Tally valiantly tried to not let her disappointment be too obvious, and was going to offer to meet up later, when –

“Since you cannot partake in the rest of your afternoon trainings, would you like to join me?”

She didn’t think twice before answering the affirmative.

Tally had never seen the men’s workshops, before. Which wasn’t rare – most witches never came to visit, here.

It was interesting, at the very least. Ten buildings, most resembling plain warehouses, surrounded by the same wards that guarded Fort Salem, were all aligned around a mirror of a plain city block, with a faint echo of metal on metal constantly singing through the air. Then there was the large open area of field, behind them, and, “That is where they test our weapons,” Sarah murmured to her, following her gaze.

Tally snapped her eyes back to Sarah’s. “It’s so… simple?”

Fort Salem was simple, too, she could admit that. They weren’t in the military for excess and frills. But there was a beauty in their simplicity.

“They do not live here, as we live on base. This is much more a place of work than a home,” Sarah explained, understanding what Tally was getting at.

She nodded in understanding.

“In there,” Sarah gestured to the largest building, down the block. “Is where the development of the scourges is. Our blades, in there,” she pointed to the building across the street, before leading Tally into another, opening the door for her to walk through, first.

The clanging, the sounds of the weapons being built, faded, as the door shut quietly behind Sarah. “This is for development and prototypes. Mostly for offices and the engineering program. The Witchfather’s office is down there,” she gestured down the hall with her chin, “I’ll step in and have a quick meeting with him. But feel free to take a look around.”

She shot Tally a quick smile, before she squeezed her shoulder, hesitating, before she said, “I enjoy showing you these things.”

“Me, too,” Tally watched her go, breathing out a sigh.

And when Sarah turned the corner at the end of the hall, Tally shook her head at herself. Goddess, she was a total goner.

Ugh, and she was also resolutely ignoring that little seed of jealousy that took hold in her stomach at the idea of Sarah and the Witchfather. They were in a professional meeting, she knew that, and even if she didn’t – she had no right to feel jealousy of any kind.

Shaking herself out of it, she did as Sarah suggested, taking a look around. She meandered down the hall, pausing for a few minutes to look up at a series of images aligned to show the progression of scourges through the centuries, in terms of design, functionality, and material. Which, was actually pretty compelling.

She walked further along, and looked curiously into a room that allowed her a view with a large window inside. There was a machine in there that was doing… something. It was large and moved swiftly and efficiently and she had no idea what it was, but she pushed the door open to take a closer peek.

The light was off, and she didn’t bother to turn it on, with the afternoon sun shining bright enough into the windows. She walked closer, intrigued by the spray of sparks that gleamed behind the glass that was pulled over the machine.

Then nearly jumped in surprise as a voice stopped her, “Hey, you shouldn’t really be in here.”

She spun around quickly, clasping her hands behind her back, even though she really hadn’t been about to do something like touch the machine. “Sorry. The door was open, so I didn’t realize…”

The lights flicked on, and she came face-to-face with a young man standing in the doorway. Sandy blonde hair fell onto his forehead, and when his eyes landed on her, they widened. “Uh, no. I’m sorry. You can have a look around. If you want.”

She took in his uniform. “Do you… work here?”

He nodded quickly, tugging at his lapels. “Yeah! Yes, I’m actually one of the lead engineers, on this project.”

He gestured to the machine she’d been looking at.

“What is it?” She swung her gaze between the machine and the man.

Who eagerly nodded, clearly excited to talk about it. “It’s the prototype for a new type of metal? So, they’re working on the formula in the smith shop, but it should be lightweight, so – easier for you to carry in the field. Or, it can help you carry even more.”

He pointed out a few of the mechanics on the machine, speaking animatedly as they slowly made their way out of the room and down another hall, circling in a roundabout way back to near where Tally had left Sarah.

She’d admit – it was interesting, how much of this side of things she wasn’t aware of.

“I have to say, I never thought so much about the mechanics of weapon design, in spite of training to use them,” she laughed lightly, as they got to the end of the hall. “I almost feel like I should apologize for it.”

He quickly shook his head. “No, definitely not. You are – you’re doing a lot more important work.” He hastily offered her his hand as they came to a stop, wincing. “Sorry, I – really bad manners, there. I should have introduced myself, earlier. I’m Atticus Bricker.”

She took his hand and shook it firmly. “Tally Craven.”

“I know,” he said, before snapping his mouth shut, tightly closing his eyes.

“You… know?”

He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, which was now tinged a deep scarlet. “Yeah. I was at the Reception? Thrown by the Imperatrix, a couple of months ago. Well, both Receptions so far. And I remember you.”

“I don’t think we talked?” She hoped they didn’t, or else she was going to feel really rude in a second. Besides, that had been the Reception that she’d totally daydreamed out of, hence her… tense… relationship with the Imperatrix.

“We didn’t,” he was quick to assure her. “I was trying to work up the courage to come and talk to you, before you left.”

“Oh. Well. Sorry?” She laughed, sharing his awkwardness in the moment. “I guess I didn’t think there was anyone too invested in talking that night.” Let alone the fact that she hadn’t been.

He visibly swallowed before shaking his head. “It’s all right, I just – I really like your hair. And you have a really pretty smile. And, you know, people talk, so I’ve heard about your unit. You.”

“You have?” Also, in a good way? She was about to ask what exactly people were saying, before he continued.

“You just – you seem really nice. And I’ve heard you’re really gifted with Sight–”

“I do hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Sarah’s voice made them both jump.

Tally turned to face her, already answering, “No! Nothing. Just talking.” And for some reason, she felt a little guilty, blushing, as she faced Sarah.

Her mouth was set into a thin line, her eyes narrowed, and if Tally had to bet, she would assume whatever her meeting with the Witchfather had been about hadn’t gone well, based on her expression. And the fact that the biddies all let out a uniform hiss, which made Atticus jump.

“Hmm,” Sarah hummed, but focused her gaze more on Atticus than Tally as she stepped closer. “What are we chatting about?” She asked, her voice sounding just a bit off, but not in a way Tally was familiar with. Icy, but not angry, and not at her. She didn’t think so, anyway. “And with whom?”

“Atticus Bricker, ma’am. General Alder,” he answered as he hastily stood at perfect attention.

Atticus looked like he was petrified. Which, in a way, Tally appreciated; Sarah was the most powerful witch and when she was speaking to you like that, you likely had reason to be. Still she gave Sarah a questioning look when it seemed like Atticus couldn’t say anything else.

“He was just showing me around a little bit while you were in your meeting.”

“Interesting conversation when one is simply being shown around.” She stepped up closer, her arm brushing against Tally’s. So warm – Sarah was often very warm, Tally had realized, especially after the night in the infirmary, even more so than anyone else – “I believe you, Bricker, were in charge of an extremely time-sensitive project regarding the lightweight, defensive metal prototype?”

His eyes widened. “Ma’am, you’re – you’re right. But, I put it on hold for just a few minutes to show around Tally.”

“Cadet Craven,” Sarah smoothly interjected, “Is a very capable woman. And I wouldn’t suggest you continue to put a time-sensitive project on hold.”

She gave him a look that made Tally’s own stomach bottom out in second-hand nope.

“Right. You’re right, General.” He nodded, before he slid his gaze to Tally. “T – Cadet Craven, maybe I’ll see you at the next Reception?”

Tally didn’t even want to think about the next Reception, honestly, but she did have manners, and, “Yeah, maybe. Good luck, with the prototype. It was nice to meet you.”

She had to throw the last sentence over her shoulder, a little breathless, as Alder’s hand landed on her lower back, and started to steer her down the hall. Her hand didn’t fall away, and Tally swore she could feel it through her uniform jacket and her t-shirt underneath, burning, making her short of breath.

The biddies fell in line behind them, hissing having faded, and Tally swallowed hard as she managed out the words, “I’m sorry your meeting didn’t go well.”

Sarah used her other hand to open the door, directing Tally through it with that hand on her back, and still not dropping it away as she easily fell into perfect sync with Tally as they walked toward their waiting vehicle.

“My meeting?” Sarah asked, quizzically.

“Yeah. With,” Tally huffed out a breath. “The Witchfather.”

Sarah led Tally into the car, opening the door for her once more and gesturing for her to climb inside, as the biddies filtered into the transport behind them, the one that held more seats. “My meeting with the Witchfather went perfectly fine,” she answered, voice just a bit tight.

“Ah… okay,” Tally shot her a questioning look, because, Sarah didn’t seem perfectly fine.

Sarah didn’t speak again for another minute, and when she did, her tone was dark. “My Goddess, he was truly two seconds away from asking if your Sight could See the two of you together in the future. I was nearly sick to my stomach.”

Tally whipped her head to stare incredulously at Sarah as she pointed out, “You haven’t eaten a proper meal in over two hundred years.”

“Precisely.” Sarah’s eyes actually rolled. Harder than Tally had ever seen. “I’m going to have to have a word with the Witchfather around what he is teaching those boys.”

Tally’s mouth fell open in offense on Atticus’s behalf, even as she couldn’t help but snicker, bumping Sarah with her arm. “He was being sweet.”

Sarah arched an eyebrow at her, derisively. “Sweet? If that is what you believe romance is, darling, I’m afraid romance is truly dead.”

Tally’s heart very nearly stopped beating. Darling. Darling.

“It was some of the sweetest things someone’s said to me,” she managed to croak out faintly. Darling.

“And that is a shame. An even bigger shame that you don’t realize it.”

Tally shook her head. “How much did you even hear?”

Darling.

“Enough,” came Sarah’s clipped response.

Tally, baffled and still reeling, could only blow out a deep breath. What was she even supposed to say to that?

Only a moment beat by them, before Sarah spoke, her voice smooth and clear.

“Your hair is fire, masquerading as silk,” Sarah’s fingers slid into the ends of Tally’s hair, carding through it, then moving up. Her fingertips brushed over the back of Tally’s neck and she felt a full-body shudder. “Your smile is effervescent, leaving the impression inside of one’s soul as deep as the impression in your dimples every time one is blessed with it.”

Her thumb slid up Tally’s jaw, dipping into one of the creases in her cheek that would, indeed, deepen into a dimple. But Tally couldn’t smile in the moment. She could barely remember to breathe.

“Your kindness and empathy are a gift not many are given, but you, much like your hair, are fire in silk. Soft, but one should always know, and appreciate, that they could be burned by the fierceness that lives in you.”

Tally wasn’t sure she would ever breathe again. Her stomach twisted, erupting in far more than butterflies; she wasn’t sure there was an appropriate word for this. All she knew was that she felt the heat from Sarah’s gentle touch echo through her entire body.

She was fairly certain her heart would pound right out of her chest, right in this moment, and leap itself right into Sarah Alder’s hands.

It felt like three seconds but also three hours, before Sarah slid her hand away. She cleared her throat. “Anyway, that is romance. And you shouldn’t fall for anyone who tries to convince you of anything less.”

Tally was fairly certain there was no one on earth who could give her half as much.

And she was under no delusions, in that moment, that she had any control over these feelings, at all. That she had been crazy to believe she ever was.

//

Everything had to come to a head eventually.

So, Tally supposed it only made sense that it happened on her birthday.

She wasn’t supposed to go see Sarah that night. In fact, Raelle and Abigail had taken her out for a little celebration off-campus. Which had been so much fun, as they’d walked around Salem, in civilian clothing to blend, as they’d gone out for dinner and then to a bar. They’d danced and drank and laughed and she felt giddy with the night as they returned back to the base.

“You’re obsessed!” Raelle had shouted at her as Tally had practically danced out of their room. She didn’t have to say where she was going for her friends to know.

And she didn’t say a word back to Raelle, because… yeah. She kind of was.

“You maybe shouldn’t go there when you’ve been drinking,” Abigail had called to her in a warning.

With the variety of mixed cocktails she had keeping her in that buzzed and happy place, though, she absolutely did not care, as she’d shut the door behind her.

She opened Sarah’s office door with a bright grin, “Knock-knock.”

Sarah was still at her desk and she looked up, eyes brightening as they fell on Tally. “I’m not quite sure how well that lends to replacing a knock, especially when you say it as you are already entering the door.”

She shut the door behind her. “I can honestly tell you I haven’t thought about it that much.”

“Shocking,” Sarah dryly said back, leaning back in her chair as Tally entered. “I didn’t think I’d be seeing you this evening? I thought you would be engaging in an evening of debauchery that I, as an official, was supposed to turn a blind eye to.”

Tally could only smile indulgently back. “Maybe you’re right.”

She wasn’t supposed to come here tonight. But… but it was her birthday, and she’d loved spending so much of it with her sisters, but there was a part of her that didn’t feel totally complete without spending any of it with Sarah.

“I may have been drinking. A little. But no other debauchery,” she saluted Sarah. “Scout’s honor.”

“Were you a scout?” Sarah asked, amusement clear in her voice as she pushed out of her chair and walked to her cart, pouring herself a drink. A double, it appeared. “I already had one, in honor of you earlier tonight,” she murmured, “But it seems only right to do so with you, now that you’re here.”

She held up the bottle of wine she now kept for the evenings when Tally indulged in a glass with her, and she only hesitated for a moment, before she nodded. “Okay. A little.”

Sarah poured it for her and handed it to her, before lightly clinking her tumbler to Tally’s glass. “Happy birthday, Tally. May you be blessed with many more to come.”

They both sipped, and Tally was just buzzed enough to not drop Sarah’s gaze as they both sipped on their drinks. Well, she sipped. Sarah threw hers back – always an impressive feat to Tally, when she didn’t even grimace.

“You don’t mind that I came, though? Interrupting your… evening?” She asked, inclining her head toward Sarah’s desk.

She’d clearly been doing work, but she also had her hair down and uniform unbuttoned, in her typical I’m done with real work outfit, as well as the soft jazz coming from her record player.

“No. I’m pleased to see you. Even as giggly as you appear to be when having more than the one drink I’ve seen you have before,” she added, a smile ghosting around the corners of her mouth, so appealingly.

And goddess, it was so appealing. Tally couldn’t take her eyes away.

She found herself, indeed, smiling at it herself. Smiling at… this. At the way Sarah relaxed as she sat back, leaning against her desk a foot in front of Tally, sliding her tumbler back onto it. At the warm look she gave Tally. At how much she was pretty sure she could catalogue every single one of Sarah’s expressions by now.

“Did you receive any gifts in your honor?” Sarah asked, knocking Tally out of her thoughts.

She blinked and then put down the glass of wine – she didn’t need any more of that; she wanted to stay in the good place of just having had enough to drink. Not the bad place of too much – as she thought back… “Abigail paid for everything when we were out. Raelle,” she emitted an aforementioned giggle, unstoppably, “I attempted to teach her how to knit a few months ago, remember? When, uh, she was laid up with that nasty cold and was complaining that she had nothing to do?”

Sarah nodded. “Yes, I recall.”

She couldn’t help but laugh, waving her hand in front of her face as she thought back to the socks Raelle had given her with a defensive grumble. “She knit me… um. Something that sort of looks like stockings?”

Which, had also made her tackle Raelle in a hug, because she loved a thoughtful gift like that.

Sarah chuckled, the sound floating over Tally’s skin. “I would enjoy seeing those.”

“I’ll bring them! Tomorrow,” she promised. She watched Sarah nod, before looking almost as if she wanted to fidget. Tally’s eyebrows drew down in confusion, slowly asking, “Are you all right?”

Sarah cleared her throat. “Of course. I just – well, I have something for you.”

Tally’s eyebrows winged up, surprised pleasure washing through her. “You bought me a birthday gift?” The smile that bloomed on her face was impossible to stop.

Sarah huffed out a breath, “It’s just something small,” she muttered as she walked toward the door that led to her personal quarters. “I’ll be right back.”

Tally nodded, bouncing up to her toes and back to her heels, before she walked closer to Sarah’s desk. That large, imposing desk… such a physical barrier in the beginning, that now was just a piece of Sarah. Of her power. It was – appealing.

Tally swayed back and forth with the music as she smoothed her fingers over the polished wood, that bubbly feeling easing through her, now.

“Here you go,” Sarah said, making Tally startle, as she spun to face her.

Sarah offered her a small, rectangular package. Tally found herself grinning softly as she took it, “You wrapped it?” It was a navy paper with bright, colorful bursts over it.

Sarah bit the inside of her cheek, jibing, “Well. It is a gift. The biddies picked out the paper.”

“I love it.” Tally was already sliding her fingers under the tape as she asked, “Can I open it?”

Sarah breathed out a laugh, “Yes, Tally, you can open it.”

She didn’t waste another second, quickly tugging off the wrapping paper, and she intended to grab it and crumple it in her hand, but as it slid off and revealed the gift, she dimly let it fall to the floor.

“A Witch’s Work,” she whispered, running her fingers in awe over the cover. The, “Fabric embroidered cover.”

“Ivory-bound,” Sarah confirmed softly, and Tally glanced up at her. She had an uncertain expression on her face as she explained, “I found it in a small bookshop, in Sweden, when I was there for my trip. I’m not sure if it’s the exact version you had growing up, but your grandmother must have had hers passed down to her, because these first editions are not an easy feat to find. The black embroidery isn’t necessarily the same on all–”

“It’s perfect,” she breathed, swallowing hard, as she clutched the book to her chest. “Thank you. Thank you so much, Sarah, I…” she licked her lips, feeling just – everything. Feeling everything. “It’s amazing. You’re amazing.”

Sarah’s expression morphed from uncertain into a smug, victorious grin, even as she shrugged. “I’m not certain I would go that far.”

“I would,” she said, forcefully. Meaning it with everything inside of her. She swallowed, trying to bite back all of it. All of the emotion and the love and the excitement and the thrill and she had to look away from Sarah, looking down at the book again. She ran her fingers over the pages, nudging her thumb under the cover and something caught her eye… “Did you write an inscription?”

She didn’t bother to wait for Sarah’s quiet, “I – well, just a small message,” before she was flipping the cover open.

Tally,

Hopefully this will be just the first step in fixing your dissatisfactions from Yule. May your relationship with your mother improve and, Goddess be willing, I hope you will never feel lonely on the holidays again.

Happy birthday,
Sarah

“I… Sarah, I…” that was it. It was all she could say, because she was just so overwhelmed by it. By Sarah herself.

“You deserve it all, Tally. Everything you want,” Sarah murmured, as she cupped Tally’s jaw to tilt Tally up to look at her, a ferocity in her expression, like she needed Tally to really hear her.

And, oh, she was. Sarah’s hand was so warm, that perfect soft and rough feeling on her skin. She was standing so close, that as Tally took a deep breath, her breasts pressed against Sarah’s, and her breath shuddered out after, heat and want gathering so strongly inside of her.

You deserve it. Everything you want. Sarah’s words echoed through her brain as Tally licked her lips and stared at Sarah’s own. Looking so soft and supple, and –

She surged forward, pressing hers against Sarah’s, already moaning in the back of her throat at the feeling, only becoming stronger as she swallowed Sarah’s gasp.

Everything she wanted.

Chapter Text

Sarah was the perfect amalgamation between hard and soft.

Tally had often thought so – in terms of just about everything. In her words, she could be harsh and determined, yet occasionally say some of the kindest, sweetest words Tally had ever heard. In her actions, she could be ruthless and decisive, yet privately agonize over her duty. In her expressions, her sharp, strong bones would stand firm, while her eyes could melt Tally on the spot.

Kissing her was no different. Magnificently so.

She was buzzing from the alcohol in her system, just enough that allowed her to do this, drifting, and so light, as her lips brushed against Sarah’s – just brushing – once, unable to stop the moan that left her throat at the feeling.

She’d spent a lot of time looking at Sarah’s lips in the past, especially in the last few months. How perfectly pink they were, the way Sarah pursed them in thought or grinned so slyly, the way they shined after she licked them or had a drink.

But nothing prepared her for that immediate softness.

She felt Sarah’s gasp against her mouth more than she heard it, and the heat that it elicited immediately curled inside of Tally.

She didn’t know if she would have been able to stop after that first brush, had that gasp not happened. She didn’t know, because she hadn’t planned this. She could have never planned for this.

But the gasp broke through everything inside of her, igniting the spark that had been building for so long, and she groaned at it, surging in again to press her mouth more firmly to Sarah’s.

Goddess, so soft. So, so soft and yielding against Tally’s own lips. So soft, and she sucked Sarah’s bottom lip between her own, revelling in it, barely aware of the quiet sounds in the back of her throat.

Then she gasped, as Sarah’s hold – the hands she still had on her jaw, tightened, before her hands streaked down Tally’s body, gripping hard on Tally’s hips.

She didn’t pull Tally into her, nor did she push her away, her hands a steady, bruising force as she mirrored Tally’s groan.

And fuck, hearing Sarah groan, feeling it reverberate against her lips snapped whatever was left inside of her.

The book in her arms thunked softly to the floor as she wrapped her arms around Sarah’s neck, pulling her down more firmly. She needed more.

Sarah’s body collided with Tally’s, her firm stomach and soft breasts pressing into her and Tally shuddered hard at the feeling. She licked into Sarah’s mouth – tasting the whiskey mingling with just the taste of Sarah, and she felt light-headed with it.

She’d never wanted like this. She’d never had hands so itchy to tear off every scrap of Sarah’s clothing as she felt Sarah’s tongue brush against hers. She’d never been so fevered, feeling like she couldn’t get close enough, as she pressed herself as firmly as possible against Sarah’s.

And Sarah pressed back, forcing Tally back a step, so the edge of Sarah’s desk bit into her ass and she welcomed it. She welcomed anything right here, right now, with the thrill and the hunger that ate through her.

She could feel the hard press of Sarah’s medals on her uniform against her chest, and there was something about it that ramped up everything she was feeling even more. This was Sarah Alder. Sarah Alder, who slid her lips along Tally’s, whose hands held her like she was holding the whole world, who could command the entire army to do anything she wanted, and it was Tally who got to taste her tonight.

A moan, higher and needier than the one she’d let out before, escaped her as she stroked her hands down Sarah’s back. Desire, thick and hot and heady, had already settled inside of her, and though she loved Sarah in uniform, she was desperate for it to be gone. It was too thick, too much for Tally to actually be able to feel the muscle tone she knew would be there.

As soon as her fingers gripped the bottom of her uniform, thumbs stroking under it – ever so closer to feeling Sarah’s body heat against her fingertips – the hands on her waist tightened.

And yes, she wanted it.

She wanted Sarah to hold her tightly and use the wiry strength Tally knew she possessed to hoist Tally onto the desk behind her. She wanted Sarah to press herself between Tally’s legs – that she would then eagerly wrap around Sarah’s waist. She wanted Sarah to move her hands under her shirt, touch her bare skin, feel how much Tally had wanted this, wanted her.

And more than anything, she wanted to be given permission to do the same.

She wanted the right to make her fevered dreams come to life. The dreams and daydreams and wants and needs to be able to touch Sarah – to see if her nipples were as responsive as Tally’s own, to be able to kiss all of the parts of Sarah’s body that had always remained covered from Tally’s wanting gaze.

She wanted to make Sarah come in her mouth, to really taste her, the way she imagined when she touched herself, to discover what it sounded like when Sarah lost that iron-clad self-control.

She would give anything for it in this moment.

She wanted it all.

And, as she breathed out a tremulous sigh into Sarah’s mouth, she shivered in anticipation when –

She got none of it.

Instead, Sarah pushed, just enough to break their kiss, just enough for Tally to be pushed against the desk, but without Sarah against her.

A sound of protest broke from her lips as she opened her eyes. Goddess, she swore her vision was blurred with the haze of lust that was so strongly beating a thrum throughout her whole body.

 She blinked, a few times, her hands falling limply to her sides to grip the edge of the desk when Sarah stepped back. Not far but far enough that she could no longer feel her body heat, let alone the lines of her body.

Her breathing was heavy as she stared at Sarah, everything coming to a pause in this moment. She couldn’t hear the crackling of the fire or the rain that had started to fall outside or anything other than the pounding of her heart in her ears.

As Sarah stared at her, blue eyes wide, like she couldn’t believe what had just happened, her hands pressed firmly at her sides. She looked so rigid, like she might break.

It was only then that Tally could even register what had happened.

“I – Sarah,” it was all that she could force out, her voice just above a breath. But she didn’t know what else to say. What else… it was the precipice of salvation and the damned, and Tally was standing right on the edge, one foot off.

Sarah’s eyes shuttered, then her spine drawing up tight, as she stepped backwards. Once, twice. And then she turned, just a bit, so that Tally couldn’t even have the full view of her face anymore, and it felt so deliberate. It was simple, just Sarah taking a few steps and turning away, but it felt so intentionally done, as if she was creating space between them.

It was only a few feet, but after what had just happened, any distance felt like far too much distance, and Tally’s heart clenched painfully at it.

“You should leave,” her words weren’t cold but they were quiet and concise and more like a command than anything Tally had heard from Sarah in months.

And Tally felt them like a punch right to the stomach.

The damned, then.

“Sarah, I’m…” her words faded because – Tally didn’t know what she could possibly say. Her brain didn’t feel like it could form words right now.

I’m sorry? I’m in love with you? I’m not sure what came over me, but I know I’ve wanted that kiss more than anyone in the world has ever wanted anything? I’m all yours, if you so wished?

“Please. Go.” Sarah’s voice was a bit firmer, now.

Dimly, Tally felt herself nodding, but she didn’t even know what she was nodding at, not as everything inside of her chilled to numb and the excited thrum of her heart turned to a sharp pain.

“Right,” she managed to croak out, squeezing her eyes closed as she pushed herself away from the desk.

She’d only managed a few steps before she felt Sarah’s hand on her shoulder, and with it – a small, bright hope shot through her, breaking through the total dull numbness.

“Your book,” Sarah said, her voice so wonderfully throaty as she bent and handed it to Tally. She wanted to stare at Sarah. She wanted to try to read her expression in the way she’d really gotten better at than likely anyone else on this earth.

But she couldn’t.

She couldn’t because she was afraid if she stayed here for any longer, this numbness of rejection might break down into pain and tears. She couldn’t because she was worried what would slip out of her mouth – I love you, so much and I’m sorry and didn’t you kiss me back? I felt it, I know I felt it. Right? and just once more, one more time – all still vying for space in her throat.

And mostly, she couldn’t because Sarah wasn’t giving her that choice, anyway. She rolled her lips and stepped away from Tally, her expression impassive as soon as Tally reached out and took the book.

Goddess. What did she do?

//

The numbness lasted just until she got back to her room.

It was only long enough for her to replay what had happened, feeling startingly and unwelcomingly sober, her feet dragging as her heart thumped at once dully and painfully in her chest.

Sarah had given her the sweetest, most considerate gift anyone in her life had ever thought to give her.

Sarah had told Tally that she deserved everything she wanted, with that fierce look in her eyes, like she was genuinely concerned Tally would settle for less.

And Tally had responded by kissing her. A kiss fuelled by aching desire, a simultaneously soul-crushing and soul-inspiring love, and perpetuated by just enough alcohol buzzing through her and on the high of a perfect twentieth birthday.

Previously perfect, anyway. The thought echoed miserably through her along with the tears that stung the backs of her eyes. Fuck.

The kiss was a blur, even now, only minutes after it had happened. All Tally knew was that she’d kissed Sarah – she’d kissed her with everything she’d had, her heart in her throat and want coursing through her – and Sarah… had she even kissed Tally back?

She thought she might have, but now, as she tried to replay it, she just…

Sarah’s hands had been on her hips, but she’d never yanked Tally right against her and she hadn’t touched her. She hadn’t devoured Tally in the way Tally had clearly been eager for.

If Sarah had wanted her, Tally had been right there for her to take. Ready, willing, and wanting. She didn’t think she could be any clearer than that kiss.

But Sarah hadn’t taken her. She’d told Tally to leave.

Abigail and Raelle were chatting when she pushed the door open, both of them sprawled over the floor. She didn’t register a word they were saying, though, not really, as she fell against the door, shutting it.

Tally usually knew how to put her feelings into words pretty well. She was really in-touch with her feelings, even if she sometimes should think about acting on them, more. Tonight, as an example.

But in that moment, it was all such a jumbled mess inside of her.

The rejection – that grip on her hips that first felt like passion but the more she sat with it… was it shock? Uncertainty? Surprise? Reluctance to hurt Tally? Mixed telling Tally to leave, and the closed-off body language the second the kiss had ended, while Tally hadn’t even felt steady on her feet from it – it hurt.

It ate at her, cutting deep. So, so painfully deep.

So deep she could hardly breathe with it, and she could only feel the trembling breath she released as she clapped her hands over her eyes, unable to move from where she stood against the door.

The tears started dripping, wetting the palms of her hands as she attempted for only a moment to stop them.

“Tally?”

“What’s wrong?”

Both Abigail and Raelle were up and surrounded her, one on either side, in seconds. They both took hold of an arm and tugged, coaxing Tally into lowering her hands.

And she did, with one final swipe over her cheeks and nose, knowing she was a mess, and – whatever. She was a fucking mess.

“Did you run into one of those pathetic Eris Coven bitc–”

“I kissed Sarah.” The words fell out of her mouth, barely above a whisper, her throat raw from it. “I kissed her and she – told me to go.”

Everything felt raw, just saying that. The world felt more raw.

Raelle’s hand stroked up her back. “Tal, I’m sorry that sucks.”

Abigail’s hand joined hers, as she nodded. “Right. It does.” She waited a beat, before blowing out a breath. “I mean, at least now, you can… you know, at least now you can spend your time and energy focusing on other things? You said you wanted to keep improving your weather Work, I can help with that, and…”

Abigail continued to speak, but Tally snapped her head toward her sister, her mind looping over now you can spend your time and energy focusing on other things. “What? What did you say?”

Abigail cut herself off, blinking back at Tally. “What? When?”

“What do you mean by now I can spend my time and energy on other things?” Tally demanded.

The look of confusion was unmistakable on Abigail’s face. “Uh, I meant, now that you aren’t going to be with Alder at night, you can–”

“That’s what I thought you meant,” the words sounded just as dazed and gutted as she felt, and she stared blankly ahead of her.

That cut through the rejection, through everything, this thick, cold fear, that worked right into the back of her throat.

“I – you did say you kissed Alder and she… didn’t reciprocate, right?” Abigail asked, her voice slow and soft, and Tally could see the questioning look she exchanged with Raelle.

Who hissed back, “You know you suck at this?”

But their words weren’t fully registering to Tally, now. Not with this new and terrifying aspect coming into the mix.

“I ruined it,” she breathed out, wanting more than anything to fall back against the door and just sink to the ground. “I ruined everything.”

//

Goddess, Tally’s heart hammered as she stood outside of Sarah’s office two nights later, her throat dry.

She didn’t know if she should be here. She didn’t know if she could walk in there, because she was actually pretty sure she knew what she would find, tonight.

That feeling followed her for the last two days.

It was a feeling worse than when she’d discovered Gerit having been with someone else, when all she’d wanted to do was lock herself in the bathroom and cry. Worse than that, but also way, way different. But that was the only frame of reference she had for whatever was twisting her up inside.

She knew what to do with that feeling, with Gerit. She’d known she had been hurting, but it was over, and she just had to deal with it.

Her heart felt like it had been pummelled, her eyes gritty from the two sleepless nights and the tears she’d cried, and her stomach had been in knots nonstop.

Honestly, because she knew. She knew what she was going to find, behind this door. It was why she hadn’t gone back last night.

The rejection… Goddess, it hurt to know Sarah didn’t want the same things she did. Tally had known it, deep down, the whole time. That Sarah had said it herself – she didn’t have true, deep partners, in that way. The romantic way. Sarah was General Alder, she was one of the most powerful people on the entire planet, she could have anyone she wanted, and Tally was still a cadet, still in war college, had only been on a handful of missions and somehow seemed to bungle each one, in her own way.

So, even though it made her ache, she didn’t ever really believe Sarah would respond in the way she dreamed of. Maybe she had hoped – okay, not maybe at all. She had hoped – in a longing, wishful fantasy.

But it didn’t shock her that Sarah had pushed her away.

What gave her the most pause in walking back into Sarah’s office was…

Sarah was going to be back to her old self. Tally knew it. Tally had crossed that line, an unspoken boundary that was unspoken only because she knew it was an impossibility.

It had absolutely plagued her. She’d needed a night to nurse the sting of Sarah’s rejection, but to also muster up the courage to face being turned away, after.

Then again, the idea of waiting too long to go back made Tally feel like it would be even more awkward, and she didn’t want that, either.  

She stood there, with her hand on the doorknob, for several long moments, with that fear stuck in the back of her throat. The fear that last night would cost her Sarah, would cost everything they’d built up between them.

Tally closed her eyes and swallowed back all of the aching and that fear, and nodded as she ran through the rehearsed speech in her head, the one she’d worked through all day.

She was just going to have to barge into the door and be herself, rolling right into her speech that included all of her apologies, none of her heartache, and an attempt at being normal.

Tally could do this.

Sarah, I’m sorry. You gave me a beautiful gift and you said something really sweet to me. I’d had a big night, that was really fun and exciting so I was on a bit of an adrenaline high… and, as you know, I’d had a few drinks, so my inhibitions were lower.

… oh? Does that mean I wanted to kiss you, desperately, more than I have ever wanted anything? Yes, it does, because I think about how much I just want to love you and touch you and have you touch me, all of the time.

I just wouldn’t have acted on it!

… all right, so, just the first part. Along with –

It won’t happen again, I understand that isn’t what our relationship is, but what our relationship truly is above all else, is important to me. So please, please don’t push me away again after one life-changing sexy perfect accidental kiss.

She opened the door and swiftly closed it, refusing to give her nerves any time to take over.

“Sarah, I’m–”

“You came,” Sarah cut her off, taking the wind right out of her sails. She was sitting against her desk – Goddess right where she’d pushed Tally, last night, and, yep, Tally was going to think about that forever – a glass of whiskey in her hand that she appeared to be studying more than drinking.

She snapped her gaze back to Sarah’s face. She looked genuinely surprised, her eyes a little wide, perfect lips parted.

Shit.

“Should I – should I not have?” Tally grasped her hands together behind her back, holding them tightly together to ensure she didn’t let them shake. Then, she shook her head, standing tall and firm, a far cry from how anxious she was actually feeling. But, she wasn’t going to let Sarah tell her to leave again.

No more dismissed, Craven and no more you should leave or please, go. Tally was going to be ahead of that, this time.

“Sarah, I–”

“Tally, I–”

They both cut themselves off, Tally feeling herself blush as Sarah pushed herself off the desk.

She put the whiskey down, a decisive movement that made Tally wince, before Sarah turned to face her. “Let me speak first.”

There was a silent question there, though, that she heard. And… Tally didn’t want to. She didn’t want Sarah to have the chance to say what Tally knew was coming. Reluctantly, though, she nodded.

Sarah drew in a deep breath, closing her eyes briefly, before flipping them open. And the emotion in them seemed so genuine and so real and so deep, Tally didn’t have her speech anymore. “What happened two nights ago was incredibly inappropriate.”

The hard look she gave Tally froze her right to the spot, and all she could feel as soon as the word inappropriate was uttered was the burning memory of Sarah’s lips on hers. The feeling of her fingers on Tally’s hips. How it had made the wanting streak through her body, heavily. Settling everywhere.

Maybe it was inappropriate. That a kiss made her feel so much was obscenely inappropriate.

“I know,” she whispered. Even if she didn’t necessarily agree with it in the way Sarah meant it – because, who could Sarah be with, then, if not someone of a different rank? No one? Ever?

… then again, that seemed to be what she’d chosen, at this stage in her life.

Regardless of her feelings, she knew Sarah would feel that way.

“However, I think we are both adults who are more than capable of recognizing that something like that does not have to mean anything more than what it was.”

“What it was,” Tally repeated, her mind racing to figure out exactly what Sarah thought it was.

“We have all,” Sarah cleared her throat, pursing her lips, before a thin, humorless smile graced them, “Made rash decisions that we don’t necessarily mean, in the light of day. Especially after indulging in alcohol.”

Tally hadn’t. Not like that. She’d meant that kiss with every fiber of her being, a little buzzed or not. She wanted to say it, she almost did. But – luckily for her, she supposed – Sarah didn’t give her the chance to.

“And in any other situation resembling this, now would be the moment that I would believe we have gone too far and that we should re-evaluate our relationship.”

Tally’s heart sank, her stomach twisting, and the only thing that was worse than Sarah not wanting her back, was Sarah ending what they already had. The words to try to stop her were already bubbling in her throat, as Sarah shook her head and took a step closer to Tally, then paused again.

“However,” she caught her eyes on Tally’s, seeming to search there. Her voice was firm and clear and revealed no feelings, none whatsoever. “I don’t think that is necessary for us. I believe our friendship is strong enough that what happened two nights ago can merely be something we both know to be a mistake.”

“You don’t?” She breathed, sounding nearly as baffled as she felt. She didn’t think it was necessary that they cut their relationship off here? That they go back to cadet and general, as Tally had been terrified of hearing? “And, you do?”

Sarah believed they were stronger than that?

“Unless you would rather we stop–”

“No!” Tally shook her head, taking a quick step forward, unable to stop herself.

Because, for some reason, it didn’t seem to matter how much time went by or what the status of their relationship was in the last six months, Tally was never totally certain what she could expect when she entered Sarah’s office.

In the beginning, she couldn’t have known that Sarah would even be willing to share so much of her life, her memories, herself with Tally. In the last couple of months, she would have never expected that Sarah would be so interested in knowing all about Tally’s own. That Sarah would regard her, so closely.

And she sure as hell did not expect that.

Sarah’s posture loosened just the slightest bit, her shoulders relaxing ever so slightly in the uniform she wore, still, mostly unbuttoned at the top. “Good,” her voice was warmer, then, relieved, Tally thought. “Tally, did you know that the average woman lives for 75 years in the United States? The average witch, even less.”

Even more thrown, Tally shook her head. “I – no? Not exactly.”

“I have lived a lifetime of moments six or seven times longer than the average person. And I do not intend to lose a relationship that means so much to me on such a fractional moment in time,” Sarah’s tone was lower, comforting. Earnest, almost.

In a way Tally wasn’t sure she’d ever heard.

Like saying those words made her nervous, almost.

And Tally knew it damned her even more that it made everything inside of her surge at the raw honest emotion.

And maybe it felt nice, in that way. That Tally meant so much to Sarah, in any capacity. It felt more than nice. It felt – so special. But maybe it also dug that hurt just a little bit deeper.

That the kiss that had meant the world to Tally when it happened was just another moment in time to Sarah. Then again, wasn’t everything? At least according to their conversation on Valentine’s Day.

But Tally didn’t want to give Sarah up. She didn’t want to be one of those people who gave up someone she cared deeply for, just because her feelings weren’t returned.

“Me, neither,” she managed. “I don’t want to lose this, either.” And for better or worse, it was the truth.

The smile on Sarah’s face was so warm and so full of relief, Tally was sure it did wonders to attempt to mend the fissures that were still cracked in her heart.

//

Tally was a soldier.

Granted, she was still a young and relatively inexperienced soldier.

But she was a solider, nonetheless.

She could sometimes still feel a twinge in her leg where she’d been shot with arrows. She’d managed to actually beat M in hand-to-hand – twice. She’d fought against Spree. She’d been on a rescue mission and helped save people. And she’d been a part in taking human lives.

She’d become a biddy, linked to Sarah with a life-long connection. And had subsequently lived through many of General Sarah Alder’s battles through first-hand vision and pain.

Maybe she’d never felt a love like this before and maybe she had no feasible idea of how to move on from it, but she would figure it out. She had to.

It was what she told herself when she went back to Sarah’s.

Even as Abigail told her, “You’re insane for this,” in a tone that booked no room for arguments, but was also soft enough that Tally knew she was saying it because she loved her.

And maybe Tally was. Maybe she was a glutton for punishment.

But she could do this. Plenty of people had to move on from their feelings, and many more continued to live with and deal with the person they were in love with still in their lives.

It was just a kiss. Just a fleeting moment in time. You’ll move on, you have to. The words had become Tally’s new mantra, in her evenings with Sarah.

And they were serving her well…. mostly.

All right, Tally mostly wished she could just move on as easily as it appeared Sarah could from it.

Because Tally did feel a little off. She did wonder what Sarah thought about her, about the kiss, about everything – and then it gnawed painfully at her whenever she realized that Sarah likely didn’t think very much about their kiss at all.

It hurt that the kiss didn’t play behind Sarah’s eyelids when she was going to sleep, the way it did for Tally. It hurt that her lips didn’t tingle, that she didn’t spend long, aching moments looking at Tally’s mouth the way Tally looked at hers when she got caught up in her thoughts, and her fingers didn’t itch to touch Tally, the way Tally’s did for Sarah. Which, in fairness, this had been happening for months now.

But it had turned from wondrous curiosity to insane combination of pleasurable knowing.

And maybe it was a little off, at first, which was likely Tally’s own doing. But that was what her mantra was for.

When Sarah beat her at chess, and gave Tally that unbearably attractive smirk that made Tally distinctly hungry for another taste of Sarah’s lips?

It was just a kiss. Just a fleeting moment in time. You’ll move on, you have to.

When she listened to Sarah talk about her upcoming set of meetings with the Hague –

“It is truly ridiculous; we all know what needs to be done, but there are those who are dragging their feet. And they call me out-of-touch…” And her eyes lit up, so bright, as frustration was so clear on her face, but the timber of her voice as she all but growled the words was so sexy –

It was just a kiss. Just a fleeting moment in time. You’ll move on, you have to.

When Sarah talked to her about her meeting in D.C. –

“You know, shooting a military propaganda commercial is not exactly what I had in mind when I became the general.”

Tally nudged Sarah with her foot. “I’m sure you didn’t… since television wasn’t invented yet.”

Sarah’s look would have been deadly, had there not been the ghost of a smile on her lips. She sniffed, “Yes. Well. That’s neither here nor there.”

And she looked so pleased with herself, shifting just a bit so that she was pressed against Tally’s leg, and the warmth burst through her. She could still feel it, the ghost of Sarah’s touch…

It was just a kiss. Just a fleeting moment in time. You’ll move on, you have to.

And when Sarah, in turn, listened to her –

She pushed open Sarah’s office door, already talking about her day, as she fell onto the couch with a huff of breath, “I swear, I will kill Melissa Coughlin.”

Sarah watched her from her perch at her desk, before she stood. “Ah, I’d heard there was a… mishap in field training.”

Tally gave her a murderous look. “A mishap?” She scoffed. “She targeted Raelle.”

Sarah sat on the cushion next to her. “Go on.”

And she looked at Tally so intently, like listening to her day was fascinating –

It was just a kiss. Just a fleeting moment in time. You’ll move on, you have to.

And –

“Goddess, save me from the Imperatrix,” Tally bemoaned, pulling her shirt up just a bit to press over her face, as she screamed briefly into it.

She pulled it down, smoothing it over her stomach, as she took a deep breath.

And found Sarah looking at her with wide eyes, blinking a few times before she cleared her throat. “I – hmm,” she coughed again, briefly frowning as she shook her head, dark hair swishing over her shoulder at the motion. “I take it you had your… meeting with her?”

Tally sighed out a breath, slumping back against the couch. “Yeah. I just – what’s wrong with what my mom did, you know? She didn’t handfast. If and when I want to have a baby, I will have a baby.” Her voice was strong and firm with the resolute feeling inside of her.

“And did you say that to the Imperatrix?” Sarah prompted.

“Yes, I did.” Because she’d finally had enough.

Sarah’s eyes seemed to gleam. “Good.”

Tally laughed, tiredly, “You get maybe too much enjoyment from people disliking the same people you do.”

“Not everyone; I couldn’t care less what most people think,” Sarah responded smoothly. “Just you. And all of that aside, I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself.”

It was just like it always was, between them.

Okay, always as in, after they’d grown close. But always as in… easy. Because for all that she and Sarah were, they’d never been awkward. Even when maybe they should have been.

She wouldn’t lie. She couldn’t lie.

It hurt, still. In that aching, wanting way, when Sarah smiled at something Tally said, in a way that she wasn’t sure Sarah smiled at anyone else. At least, not that she noticed. Whenever she made Sarah laugh. Whenever Sarah touched her or looked at her so softly.

Because Tally loved Sarah Alder, deeply – so deeply – in a way that seemed to attach itself to her very cells. Her heart pumped it all over her body, until she was full of it from head to toe.

It was why she wanted to puff out her chest when Sarah was proud of her, because it made her even prouder of herself.

And why she turned away from it, even while she ached.

“And what did the Imperatrix say?” Sarah sounded curious and invested, even as Tally didn’t look back at her and instead looked into the fire for a few long seconds.

“You know, she seemed kind of taken aback. But said fine, that my attendance was still expected at the next Reception either way, and,” She hesitated, unable to stop herself from turning to look at Sarah, before admitting, “That I must be spending too much time with you.”

The dark victorious look that slid over Sarah’s face made everything inside of Tally twist into the tightest knot, the beating of her heart stumbling with it. “Yes, well.” And that was it. All she said.

Goddess, that was the thing, though, wasn’t it?

She’d fall into these moments with Sarah, these normal moments, and they felt so perfect, so wonderful, so light. But then Sarah would do something like look so satisfied that she was such an influence in Tally’s life, and it made her want so much more…

It was just a kiss. Just a fleeting moment in time. You’ll move on, you have to.

//

It was only the following week – twenty-two days post-kiss, to be exact – that she realized the idea of returning to normal was a lie, even to herself.

She was about to open Sarah’s door, arriving by seven, a little earlier than she typically did, as Sarah had requested the night before –

She’d been leaving as Sarah had spoken, “Tally,” and that was it. Her name, but soft on Sarah’s lips, as if she was going to say more, but cut herself off.

Tally had slowly turned to face Sarah with it, biting her lip. “Yeah?” And her hopes leapt, which, sometimes still happened. She couldn’t help it, but she was working on it.

Sarah set her jaw and nodded, the small show of nerves fading, as she asked, “I have something to do tomorrow evening, and I was wondering if you would care to join me?”

She wondered the volumes it spoke about her that she didn’t need to hear anything more, and was already agreeing, “Of course.”

Sarah nodded, that slight tugging of a grin at the edges of her lips. “Good. Be here by 1900… and bring a jacket.”

– Sarah’s door was pulled open before she could open it, and there she stood. In her own dark jacket, left unzipped, with the biddies behind her.

“I knew you’d be on time,” Sarah smiled at her in that fond – so, so fond – way she had. “Come, we don’t have much time to spare.”

She nodded decisively down the hall, and it didn’t take any further thought for Tally to fall in step with her, the biddies trailing them. “Where are we going?” She asked, looking curiously at Sarah, as they walked out of the admin building and toward the woods.

She trailed her eyes over the biddies behind them, who – of course – all seemed nonplussed.

Toward where they’d gone for their Yule bonfire, she realized, walking with Sarah along the path. She was careful not to brush against her – following her rules – even if she was aware of her every move mere inches away.

“On the eleventh of April, just as the sun sets, I prefer to be under the light of the moon. In the clearing, surrounded by Alder trees,” Sarah answered, her tone so soft, whispering over the trees around them.

Tally swore she could feel it, too, and she stared at Sarah in question, wracking her brain for any explanation… “What’s going on? What’s special about tonight?”

They entered into the clearing – the very clearing, indeed, they’d been to during Yule – and Sarah tilted her head up at the moon, as if breathing it in. And maybe she was; Tally didn’t think there was a human being so divinely connected with the earth and the elements as Sarah was.

“Tonight is…” Sarah trailed off as she stared up into the sky. The biddies seemed to take a note from her that they could get comfortable – spreading around and sitting on the grass, leaving Tally and Sarah standing. “It is the anniversary of my sister’s birth.”

Tally bit her lip, interest piquing. During their many, many evenings together, she’d learned very little about Sarah’s family life. It wasn’t as though Sarah refused to talk about it; she was sure that if she’d had questions regarding those memories, she could have asked them.

But those memories, even in Tally’s dreams, had seemed to be closely kept to Sarah’s heart. Guarded, in a way. The only experience she’d had with Sarah’s sister in her dreams was in that first, original night that had driven her to seeking Sarah out. The one where their parents had died, the emotion untamable.

“You don’t talk about her very much,” Tally whispered, but it was loud enough in the still night air to reach Sarah’s ears.

And she dipped her gaze to catch Tally’s, blue eyes searching, before she quietly admitted, “I do not.” Her eyebrows furrowed, and that muscle in her jaw clenched just a bit, before she murmured, “My memories of my family… the ones I have are startlingly clear. Vivid. Burned into my brain, because I replayed them so often in the past. But even with a memory as vast as mine, much can fall through the cracks. All that remains of the Alder family, remains in my head. In my heart. And because of that, I suppose, I’ve grown quite protective of them.”

Tally was mesmerized by her words and the haunted look in her eyes – a look she would give so very much to take away, even now. She reached out and took Sarah’s hand in hers. “You don’t have to tell me, either. At this point, your memories are your own,” she attempted to joke, squeezing Sarah’s palm. Both reveling and hating herself for reveling in the touch.

Before she could slide her hand away, though, Sarah gripped back, tighter. “No. I… I asked you to come with me, for a reason. I think I would like to share this.”

Tally’s heartrate spiked because Sarah had that uncanny ability to draw her right in. And she was already nodding, because of course she wanted Sarah to share.

“I was only a few years older than Abigail; her birth is my very first memory,” a look, a vulnerable look played over her face as she looked at Tally. “It was a harrowing experience – it is not childbirth as it is, now. And certainly not for us, for witches. We lived a quiet life, very separate, in an effort to stay hidden. To blend. To not let anyone notice us or get too close.”

Tally felt sick to her own stomach, knowing exactly how that had turned out.

“There was a midwife, though, in town, that my mother was familiar with. Friendly with; she’d helped deliver me. My father, he rushed to get her. It was just as the sun had started to set on the horizon, and he was on foot.” Sarah pursed her lips thoughtfully. “I think my mother must have known there wasn’t enough time before they would return. My mama, she settled herself outside, and told me that it would bring her closer to the Mother. I sat with her in the clearing just outside of our house, on a blanket, and held her hand as she delivered Abigail.”

There was a reverence in Sarah’s voice that was utterly captivating, and Tally lived in it, in that exact moment.

And only felt even more present when Sarah dipped her head a bit, able to look Tally right in the eyes. There was a happiness reflected there, right there, while she lived in this memory. A cherished place she was choosing to share with Tally, and the happiness felt palpable.

“Birthdays,” she scoffed a light laugh and shook her head, the dark hair that fell around her shoulders moving mesmerizingly as it reflected the moonlight above them. “The parties, cakes, and celebrations you are used to, those were not common until long after my sister was gone. Not for anyone who wasn’t obscenely wealthy. Nobility,” the disdain dripped from her tongue with that one word, and in that moment, Tally wanted to know every single one of Sarah’s thoughts.

Not just her memories and experiences, but her thoughts on nobility and monarchies and old government systems and how she’d felt about the changing of technology and – and everything. She wanted to know everything.

“Still. Every year, every single year, until she was no longer with me, we would stand in the spot on our land with the brightest view of the moon. And we would dance, and sing, and feel as close to and blessed by the Mother as possible, like the night she was born. A blessed evening,” she whispered, as she looked back up at the night sky.

Tally could feel the love Sarah had for her sister, in that moment. She’d felt it, the fullness of it, in her dream. The fact that Sarah could have kept running in the snow the night their parents had died, high on adrenaline, but she’d stopped with Abigail because she would have never left her. It had been Abigail’s death that had prompted Sarah to let out the greatest and most powerful seed the world had seen at that time, that started… all of this.

And when she thought about it in that sense, she thought that it only made sense that even centuries later, Sarah still made time for this. It was beautiful and it was so sad and it made Tally ache for Sarah, as she stared at her. And it maybe made her love Sarah even more, too, if that were possible.

“A love that strong doesn’t ever disappear,” the words escaped her on a whisper. She flushed when she heard them, even more as Sarah’s eyes snapped back to her.

They settled on Tally’s, boring deeper, as her hand flexed and Tally realized their fingers were still intertwined. Her blood pulsed through her veins, breath stuttering out of her throat with it.

Before Sarah slowly withdrew her hand, confirming quietly, “No. It does not.” She cleared her throat, “So… there aren’t many traditions I partake in. Not even my own birthday–”

That – unexpectedly – struck Tally. “When is that, by the way?”

Because, it should be in the history books… but it wasn’t. Tally would know; she’d read all of them.

Sarah aimed a look at her. “After just saying I do not celebrate it and not having it discussed in any piece of public history, do you truly believe I am fool enough to tell you?” The ghost of a grin played on her lips. “For how well I know you, I will return to my office and there will be insipid balloons floating on the ceiling. You’ll have fit every biddy with one of those ludicrous pointed cardboard hats.”

Tally burst out in laughter, echoing in the trees. “I wouldn’t go that far. I just want to know.” She bit her lip, staring up at Sarah expectantly.

Sarah pursed her lips. “I mean it, Tally. It is not something worth special attention. Once you do something over three hundred times, it is hardly worth noting year after year. And, as you can see,” she gestured around them, “Birthday celebrations were not something I was accustomed to, even in my youth.”

“All right, what if I promise no insipid balloons?”

Sarah finally acquiesced with an exaggerated sigh that already made Tally feel victorious. “The twenty-first of June.”

Tally gaped at the immediate realization, and the wonder of it hit her. “Midsummer?”

“The solstice, yes,” Sarah confirmed, dry amusement clear in her tone.

Tally could only gape for a few long moments, drinking in Sarah’s face, and… it just made so much sense that Sarah would be born on the most powerful day of the year.

“Of course,” she murmured, shaking her head. And it was just – she was in awe of Sarah. She always was; how could she not be?

“You, darling, are going to be held to secrecy with this. If I didn’t trust you so much, I would make you swear a blood oath,” Sarah teased, arching a perfect eyebrow down at her, even as that smile that she was so privileged to see toyed on her lips.

And it just – it hit her, with that look. With that word. Darling, again.

How utterly overcome she was, with everything that encompassed Sarah. Everything she was, everything she had always been, everything… everything. Sarah was everything; she’d thought so in many ways, often.

But she was also everything to Tally.

She was the moonlight in the huskiness of her laugh, the coolness of the evening in the color of her gaze. She was the heat of the sun in her passion and a beam of warmth in her voice.

Tally loved her sisters and she loved what she did – that would never change – and she spent her days training and learning and hours upon hours with her fellow soldiers, with Abigail and Raelle, and none of that time was wasted.

But, somehow in the last several months, her days were almost entirely defined by her nights. Her nights with Sarah, that made Tally come alive.

These moments made her feel more acutely alive than she’d ever felt and – she had the sickening bottoming out feeling in her stomach – maybe more than she would ever feel, again, with or for anyone else.

Because there was no one was who was everything.

And it was in that moment, this heart-stopping moment, that made Tally realize…

She couldn’t go back to the same life from before the kiss. It had to change. Or else Tally would never be able to move on. And she would be stuck, in this limbo – in love with Sarah and only living with the echo of that one kiss and nights of quiet intimacy that she adored.

But that would never be quite enough. Eventually, someday, she would be left with this constant ache as merely a part of her, and someday, it could ruin this, ruin it all.

And that thought chilled her to the bone.

//

She crawled into Raelle’s bunk when she returned that night. There was something safe about it, with the blanket she still sometimes kept pulled over it. Safe and secluded and warm and comforting, and she needed that right now.

While her heart felt heavy and tired and full to bursting, in equal measure. It didn’t make sense, but that was how she always felt after an evening with Sarah.

“I can’t do it, anymore. Not the same way. It’s too much,” she whispered, swallowing hard around the tightening of her throat.

Raelle tugged Tally against her, nodding. “I’ve got you.” She stroked her hand over Tally’s hair, “We both do.”

Abigail and Raelle’s Anti-Love Bootcamp included several rules –

Making sure to touch Sarah less – which, honestly, she didn’t love, but she did it. And she missed the warmth and the spark that jolted through her at their contact. “And that’s exactly why,” Raelle informed her, like she was crazy.

She’d ensure there was a little bit of distance between them, on the couch when they would talk, and she wouldn’t brush their knees together under the chess table, or kick Sarah lightly with her foot when she was teasing her, before letting her foot just rest there.

Socializing with others – specifically, going to the secret parties and gatherings that took place in the basement under the gym or out in the woods, thrown by and attended by war college cadets and privates only – mandatory.

“You’ve only been to one,” Abigail pointed out, also looking at Tally like she was crazy, “Because instead, you spend your nights with Alder.”

The parties weren’t bad; Tally did enjoy a little drinking and dancing and laughing with her friends. She enjoyed meeting new people. None of them ever gave her that same zing as Sarah did, but… all in due time. “You’re only going to chill; I mean, would it be ideal for you to meet someone there who’s like, in her early twenties instead of her hundreds, sure. But, no pressure.”

Tally had shoved Abigail for that one, even as she’d snorted.

But those parties led to the biggest rule:

Spending less time with Sarah, overall.

She couldn’t end her friendship with Sarah. She couldn’t. Because it was beautiful and taking it away might break Tally entirely. And Sarah trusted her, and she didn’t have to be told to know that what she had with Sarah was something no one else did or ever had.

She was doing this for both of them.

So, there were nights she didn’t go to the office that, she’d realized, had come to feel like a home. She scaled back from the place they’d reached in nearly nightly meetings, to where they’d been in the beginning – two, maybe three, evenings a week, she would enter Sarah’s office and talk and be able to truly relax for what felt like the first time in days.

It helped for Tally to remember this simple fact –

There was no such thing as normal, between them. Since entering each other’s lives, they’d been constantly evolving.

From the first time Sarah had laid her eyes on Tally, nodding at her like she was anyone else, as she spoke to her in words that had no personal distinction, “Cadet Craven.”

To their time in the Tarim, where Sarah had so passionately defended herself when their tensions ran too high and broke.

Into becoming a biddy, and the closeness they’d shared in that connection. To the first night, as they’d landed back on base, and Sarah had stayed firmly at Tally’s side, knowing that Tally needed someone after thinking she’d lost Abigail and Raelle, after the traumatic events of the day. When she’d had the other biddies make themselves busy so she could sit with Tally and stroke her hair back, and tell her, “It will be okay,” in a voice that was both fierce and soothing.

To Sarah sitting across her desk from Tally, drumming her fingertips together as she’d laughed while recounting the time she’d had to break up a combat club on the base that had dubbed themselves “Scourge Wars.”

To sitting so close their arms and thighs brushed on the couch, as Sarah listened to Tally speak animatedly about whatever came to her mind.

To Sarah sitting beside her all night after her injury to make sure she could sleep.

To their kiss… and now, the aftermath.

As they’d gone from nothing more than cadet-and-general, to intrinsically connected by circumstance, to friendship, to something deeper. Where Tally had fallen in love.

Their relationship was an ever-changing entity, constantly growing and evolving, and Tally realized this had to be the next step.

Tally wouldn’t say it was easy. Because Tally had always been an all-or-nothing kind of girl, and living in the in-betweens had never been her strong suit.

Then again, the entire practice of getting to know Sarah had put her further and further into gray area.

And, after a couple of weeks, she thought it was working. A little, maybe. She was getting less attached to Sarah, she thought, a little tiny bit.

//

And maybe that was the biggest lie of all.

She groaned as she stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, attempting to do her braids quicky. Quick enough that she could change into her dress blues and make it to the Reception on time, anyway.

The sharp, decisive knock on the door reached her as she managed to call out, “One second!” even with the hair elastic between her lips.

Whoever it was, knocked again, and Tally sighed, frustration welling up inside of her, as she turned on her heel and whipped the door open, “Wh–”

Only to cut herself off – frustration completely forgotten – as she stared up at Sarah, who looked down at Tally with an arched eyebrow. The biddies were behind her, dressed in full uniform in her hallway.

Totally baffled – and maybe a little alarmed she’d done something wrong, because, “What are you doing here?”

“This is my military base,” Sarah smoothly responded, even as a teasing smile played at her lips.

A nervous laugh left Tally’s throat as her hand tightened on the doorknob. “Obviously. But, like, what are you doing here? You’ve never come to the barracks before? I mean, I guess I’m sure you have, since you had them built and all, but I–” She cut her own rambling off, squeezing her eyes closed and taking in a sharp breath. Before blowing it out deliberately calmly. “I just meant… what are you doing, right now? Here? At my, um, my room?”

Sarah was standing in the doorway to her room.

Just that thought sent an odd thrill down Tally’s spine. Nervous and excited, and ridiculous.

But Sarah’s eyes trailed over Tally, looking into the room in question. It wasn’t messy, but there was a bit of clutter from the three of them.

“The top bunk is mine. And that desk,” she pointed out, before – why?!

Because then Sarah’s gaze landed on Tally’s bed – freshly made this morning – before moving to her desk, with her books stacked on it, the Mothertongue textbook she’d been studying from laying open, highlighter in the middle to mark her place. She felt herself blush, and was just so grateful that she knew Sarah had very minimal Sight and could – probably – in no way See the folder where Tally kept all of her notes.

“Yes, well,” Sarah’s voice rolled over the words slowly, before her gaze landed back on Tally’s face. “I was wondering if you’d like to do something… fun, tonight.”

Fun? Her stomach flipped at that, eyebrows shooting up, as all matter of images flocked to her mind. So many – just spending the night doing anything with Sarah was fun to her. Simply talking for hours, teasing and serious and laughing and sharing. Playing chess, Sarah coaching her through Mothertongue. Kissing again. Going much further than kissing.

What in the name of the Mother did Sarah mean by fun?

Still, she shook her head, trying to clear those thoughts. “Um. It’s the Reception?” The words left Tally’s mouth so slowly. Mostly, she wasn’t entirely certain that her brain was firing correctly. Sarah just being here, like this, threw everything off for her.

Sarah’s eyebrows lifted. “Oh. Is it?”

Incredulous, Tally’s eyes narrowed. “You know everything that goes on at your base, you…” Trailing off, she blew out a deep breath. In fairness, the Reception was entirely up to the Imperatrix, and – as Tally well knew – the Imperatrix operated independently from Sarah.

Sarah sniffed, straightening her shoulders. “If you would prefer to go to the Reception, you may feel free to do so; far be it for me to stop you.”

She knew she shouldn’t. She actually could hear both Abigail and Raelle’s voices in her head saying do not go. It clearly went against their rules of action she’d been trying to live by… and yet.

“Now, you’re being crazy. Where are we going?”

Apparently, something fun for Sarah meant going out to the official training obstacle course, thirty minutes from base. As she’d explained on the drive, “There are seldom evenings where there is little paperwork to do, when there is likely to be less trouble being caused by cadets,” she’d arched a teasing look at Tally, “When everything aligns. But the training obstacles are re-adjusted twice a year. And I enjoy personally testing them, before giving my feedback to the Witchfather.”

“That’s what you mean by fun? Testing the training courses?” Before it hit her and, “Am I going to get to test them with you? Like, before anyone else at war college?”

Sarah grinned slyly as she turned to look out the window. “I may like you very much, Tally, more than any other cadet by far. But I believe that would be going a bit too far. You will be testing the course for basic training.”

Even as her words ignited that pleased satisfaction inside of Tally, she had to bite back pointing out that Sarah had personally come to her barrack to collect Tally for this evening, and could have likely been seen by any number of people while doing so.

It was a couple of hours later that found Tally covered in mud and laughing, exhilarated, because, “Okay, that was fun.”

A lot more fun than the Reception would have been, that was for certain. Even though she knew Abigail would kill her for ditching, because Petra had made Abigail promise to go and at least attempt to give it a shot, and Tally had, in turn, promised to meet her there.

But she wouldn’t have traded this for anything.

“I told you it would be,” Sarah pointed out, grinning victoriously, “And I will say, Tally – your Sight is absolutely remarkable.”

It took everything she had not to preen. Because there had been multiple points during the course that she’d been able to See certain Work before they’d even gotten to the trickier aspects of the course, and…

And Working with Sarah, even if it was something like this, had been so much fun. So satisfying.

She knew she was beaming and couldn’t help it, as they continued to walk back through the course, toward the entrance, where their vehicle and the biddies were waiting.

“I knew you would be wonderful to do this with,” Sarah continued, her voice clear, as she gave Tally a sidelong look.

“You did?” Goddess, it was the giddiness that shot through her that would do her in. Would it ever fade? Ever?

“Yes. You have impeccable insight; it is one of my favorite things about you,” Sarah continued, before she slowed and Tally slowed down with her. Sarah’s gaze was carefully affixed to her face, as she tilted her head and narrowed her eyes, before coming to a complete stop.

“What are you…” she trailed off, her words escaping her as Sarah reached up and cupped Tally’s jaw.

It went against the no touching rule, absolutely.

But the thing was, Tally couldn’t care. Because Sarah hadn’t touched her like this, so purposefully and so closely, not since the kiss. Her hand felt wonderfully warm against her skin, and her fingertips made Tally tingle. Her breath shuddered out of her and all she could do was stare at Sarah’s mouth again.

They hadn’t had anything to drink and there was no celebration or sweet gift tonight to hide behind, and the anticipation twisted inside of her –

Before Sarah’s thumb stroked, gentle but intent, against Tally’s cheek. “You have mud from the physical course, streaked over your face.”

“You do, too,” she managed to croak out.

And, Sarah did. There was mud drying on her clothing, bits of it on her neck and flecks on her face. Because she’d done the obstacle course as if she had to, as if she was training, herself.

There had been a ferocity on her face at every physical task that reminded Tally – yes, this was General Sarah Alder, and she could kick just about anyone’s ass. She was stronger and better trained and more capable than nearly anyone else, and just knowing that made Tally’s breath catch.

And then she had to deliberately not look at Sarah and try to concentrate on the course in front of them.

“But yours,” Sarah continued, her voice calling to just above a whisper, as she slid her hand to the other side of Tally’s face, and she felt the journey like she was on fire with the touch. “Is covering up your dimples when you smile.”

“Oh,” she breathed.

Both all too soon and not soon enough, Sarah’s hand fell away. She took a deep breath and turned, starting to walk again.

Right.

Yeah, Tally should do that too.

As soon as she was back at Sarah’s side, Sarah’s voice was back to being that clear, factual tone, “And now that we’ve found the weaker points that could do with being reworked, it can all be fixed in time for the next part of training. Once Beltane has passed, I’m certain it will be done quite quickly.”

Amidst everything else that surrounded Tally – Sarah, training, preparing for an upcoming assignment, Sarah – the fact that Beltane was coming up had slipped her mind. She blinked widely at Sarah as they walked. “Beltane,” she repeated, feeling like a total idiot.

“Yes, Tally, Beltane,” Sarah echoed back, taking a slight teasing tone. “It happens every year, the same time.”

“I know that,” she shot back, shaking her head. “I just – I didn’t realize it was… now.”

“Next weekend,” Sarah corrected. She stared out ahead of them as they walked, her gaze hard as she added on, “I’ve been making the final arrangements for the past week. Perhaps you’ve just been busy on the evenings in which I’ve done most of my preparations,” her tone was neutral, not reprimanding or scolding or anything giving away any emotion.

And still, Tally felt it like she’d been punched in the stomach, her nerves twisting together. Guilt over having started pulling back from Sarah, hurting herself from it, her tongue felt thick and awkward as she made the same excuse she’d used since she’d started, “I just – we’ve been training during a lot of nights since the mission we have coming up is primarily going to be nighttime security and recon.”

It – the mission – wasn’t a lie; they’d been told that their unit would ship out for a predicted three day mission in the Midwest, within the next few weeks, near another suspected meeting point for alleged Camarilla recruits, and that much of their active posts would be at night. It – the fact that they were training for it – was a huge lie.

But Tally hadn’t known what else to say to Sarah. And she hated lying, but the truth didn’t seem exactly like the best option, either. Gray area.

“Why do we host Beltane here, every year?” Tally asked, clearing her throat and shaking her head to get rid of that thought. Trying to dislodge some of the guilt she felt settling in her core.

Sarah hummed softly under her breath. “I consider it an important tradition.” She pursed her lips, before she cleared her throat, “In my youth, sex was not freely discussed very often, even among witches. It wasn’t a taboo topic, but there were far more pressing matters, often, at hand. Beltane was known, of course, to be the peak of fertility, to experience the power of what it meant to be alive. Our power always sparked greater during the day. But it was not always celebrated in sexual abundance.”

It should be so wrong, Tally decided, for Sarah to speak anything about sex. The way her voice wrapped around the word alone made her blood start to rush.

“How did,” she had to pause and cough, knowing just how flushed her cheeks were, “How did you come to… celebrate… Beltane, the way we do, then?”

The sly smile that took over Sarah’s face – the way it tugged at her lips, the way her eyes glinted, made Tally almost choke on nothing but air.

“It was, truly, an accidental discovery. Our power has always had greater natural potential on Beltane. Even leading up to it,” she gestured out into the training grounds they were on, and – yeah, Tally knew it was true. She hadn’t thought about it, not really, because she’d mostly attributed the extra power she’d felt surging through her to, well, to Sarah. But she’d felt it, and could even still feel it, a bit, in the air.

“And sex… the closeness, the touching, the heat of it; well, there is a reason it makes our marks glow. Our Work is sparked by the spark inside of us. When our energy is at its peak, so, too, is our power. And there is very little that energizes in the same way an orgasm does,” her voice dipped, ever so slightly, in the most knowing tone, and…

Fuck. Yes. Well. Tally wasn’t going to be able to push that out of her mind. Not any time soon, anyway. She blew out a deep breath, trying to calm the hammering of her heart against her ribs.

“Accidental discovery?” She prompted, even as she knew she shouldn’t. She shouldn’t further this conversation at all.

“Right. The base, in its original construction, had just been built,” Sarah looked around them, clearly remembering what it had been like, before. “There were no wars on the horizon. Witches were coming from all over to gather here. A witches’ place,” those words were low and fierce, and they sent a shiver through Tally. They always did. “The men, they were nearby, coming up with the plans for their work base. Everything seemed to be going – unusually – well. A peaceful stretch in time. And in celebration, we had a gathering, the weekend of Beltane.”

A laugh, low and sinful, Tally swore, worked out of Sarah’s throat.

“I had no clue it would turn into such a, should I say, debauched affair? But we were all in the height of our power; we were all drunk on it.”

The image, then, of Sarah in her mind was also sinful. She could imagine it. She could imagine it as something much more wild than the organized chaos of Beltane as they knew it, now. She could imagine everyone reveling in the strength of the power thrumming through their veins. Imagine people gazing at Sarah as if she were the Goddess herself, the source of it all.

“What was it like? That first Beltane?” Oh, yeah, no, she shouldn’t ask that, either. But she was nearly breathless with her thoughts, caught up in the energetic pull Sarah had next to her.

The grin that shot across Sarah’s face seemed nearly feral. Yeah. Yep. A mistake to ask about that.

“It was… shameless. A discovery of ourselves, of sensuality, of raw power. We were no longer hiding who we were, we were in a safe place, and we knew just what we wanted. And, we realized, exactly how to get it.”

Goddess.

“I’d been with a couple of partners, on Beltane’s prior. Not until I’d come to the New World, not until I’d started this,” Sarah gestured around them. “But I hadn’t realized… the feeling it would give.” Her tone took on a dark satisfaction, one that moved like smoke through Tally’s veins.

And when she addressed Tally with that tone, she swore her knees felt weak with it. “Did you know that Beltane, it does not always give that spark? Of power, sensuality, strength.”

“I, uh,” Tally squeezed her eyes closed for a moment to gather herself. “What do you mean?”

“I know you said you partook in Beltane last year… and I know from your record, that is when your Sight started to make itself known. So, I know you felt it.”

Tally stopped short, staring up at Sarah, “My record? You’ve looked at my record?”

Sarah stopped with her, turning just enough to meet and match Tally’s stare. “I – of course. First, when you became a biddy, and I’ve…” she bit at her cheek, “Had a loot at it, a few times, since.”

Would it ever get old, she wondered, being of special note to Sarah? Tally highly doubted it.

Sarah shook her head slightly, before she continued, “Anyway… yes. Not everyone feels the power of Beltane.”

“But, you do?” It was as though Tally couldn’t help the questions falling out of her mouth.

“I do,” Sarah confirmed, her voice a murmur over the wind.

Goddess, she shouldn’t let her brain even go there, but it was too late. Tally had been fairly focused on Gerit last year, it was true. High on the power and adrenaline and giddy at the rush of feelings that went with it.

But there was no way she’d missed Sarah. It would have been impossible.

And, goddess protect, she had looked so, so deliciously hot.

“Every year?” She hoped the slight squeak in her voice was unnoticeable.

“Every year,” Sarah echoed in affirmation. “Beltane doesn’t grip us all, it’s true. It has the potential to, but it only works when you give yourself over to it.”

Tally nodded, recollecting what she’d been told last year. “Right. I, um, I remember.”

And… well, it had worked. She’d given herself over to the night, to the rhythm, the dance, the Work that resonated around them all, and it had led her, that night, to where she wanted to be. Granted, with the way it had worked out with Gerit, Tally wasn’t sure it was saying all that much.

“Do you?” She swallowed, thickly, staring at Sarah. “Do you… give yourself over?”

“As completely as possible,” Sarah answered, and Tally swore her voice was an octave deeper. Quieter, that much was absolutely true. “In all honesty, you have the ability to reach your highest potential on Beltane. And letting go, giving yourself to the night, is giving yourself over to the power within you.” Sarah’s eyes found Tally’s, and she swore they burned.

“Beltane is primal. If you achieve the highest level of actualization of the night, when you really give yourself over to the Reel, to the effects of the day, you will seek connection and intimacy, it’s true. But you will find power, raw and unlimited. Primal want, need, and desire. Hot, desperate, and carnal. Base. Cut down right to what makes us who we are.”

Tally was barely able to control her breathing, because it wanted to leave her in shallow panting.

She felt hot, all over, helpless to look away from Sarah. Caught there, in an electric blue gaze, that held her utterly captive.

They were so close and she – she wanted. She wanted so badly, she ached with it. Desire pulsing through her.

Tally knew she should move away, do something, but she was helpless to. Caught, right there. Because that was it; Sarah had this hold on her and she wasn’t sure there was anything to stop it.

Except for Sarah herself, maybe, as she breathed out a deep breath and started to walk again toward the entrance. As if this was normal conversation? Which… maybe it was. Abigail and Raelle discussed sex all of the time, like it was nothing. But, goddess, this did not feel the same as that.

“I… I think… I didn’t experience that exactly,” she cursed herself as she stumbled over the words.

Sarah was quiet for a few moments, before she asked, “Oh? I thought you were with that undeserving boy that you developed feelings for?”

Tally was grateful for the laugh that bubbled up from the derisive tone in Sarah’s voice because at least that cut through some of the tension inside of her. “Yeah, I was. And it was good? I had a good time. But it wasn’t…” she trailed off, gesturing vaguely, because how could she sum up what Sarah had said?

“I see.” Sarah’s tone left Tally no possible way to read it.

“It’s… it’s always like that with you?”

“On Beltane, the Reel has always led me to what I sought, which for most of my time in my position has been strength. So, yes. The Witchfather has always fulfilled that.”

Tally nearly tripped over her feet when it occurred to her, in that moment.

Beltane. The Reel. The Witchfather.

And she wanted to be sick with the thought.

//

Tally thought it went without having to be said that she was not engaging in Beltane that year.

There was no way she could handle seeing Sarah in the Reel with the Witchfather. Let alone the chance that she would see anything more.

And the only reason that plan changed at all, happened like a perfect set up game of dominos.

//

First.

It all started with the fact that she decided to skip the welcoming ceremony. Seeing Sarah greet the Witchfather? No, thank you. She really wasn’t sure she could take it.

She breathed deeply, spinning, using her scourge to decimate the training dummy in front of her – it didn’t quite alleviate all of these fucking awful feelings bubbling up inside of her.

It was one thing to be in love with Sarah and to then be given a relationship with her that was so close, but never close enough. It was a different kind of pain to know Sarah’s kiss and be denied it again.

And it was an entirely other ballgame to know that Sarah was going to be having sex with someone –

She struck another target –

And that it would be starting in the Reel, while Tally might be there at least for the start of it. Knowing that Sarah would feel primal and base and carnal and –

She nearly choked on the dust in the air from the blow she delivered to the next target.

“Damn. What did that dummy ever do to you?” Raelle asked from her perch on the floor, where she and Abigail had both been lounging and watching Tally take out her… aggression.

She took another deep breath as she turned to face her sisters. “You know, you guys don’t have to stay here with me, it’s fine.”

Raelle shot her a look. “What the hell do I have to look at getting off those busses?”

Tally paused before cracking a smile. “True, I guess. But, Ab–”

“Look, I’m fine getting training in. Or, now that we’ve been in here for an hour, watching you decimate everything in the room. I was only saying we should be there for the men’s entrance because you loved it last year.”

She whipped the scourge and decimated the final target they’d had set up. “Well, things have changed. I’ve grown.”

“Tal, a shiny mark! A shiny-shiny mark. You loved how shiny that mark got,” Raelle teased, standing up and dusting off her hands as she walked closer to give Tally a coaxing smile and bump their shoulders together.

Abigail joined them, standing at her other side, as they left the training room.

“Why are you guys trying to talk me into having sex? You mocked me last year with how excited I was!” She pointed out.

“But it was sweet,” Raelle stressed. “I miss that lightness in your step! It’s been gone for weeks. And Beltane might… help you out with it.”

“Excited-shiny Tally is missed even in her most grating moments. And,” Abigail shot her a look, “We have our mission next week; the most official one we’ve been sent on. We need to be as charged up, as powerful as possible.”

“Last year was… different. I was swept up in it all, and there was Gerit–”

“Fuck Gerit,” both her sisters emphatically swore.

And, all right, that made Tally grin. “I did! And then I got screwed, in the not-fun way.”

“You were still not all ugh Beltane,” Rae arched a look at her. “Sex is bad.”

Tally’s mouth fell open, incredulous. “Sex isn’t bad. But, feelings are, apparently. Because whenever I get them, I get crushed and honestly? It’s horrible and I’m done with it.”

Abigail slowly nodded. “Right. You need to be charged up and not catch feelings.” A sly grin slid over her face. “Rae, get ready for Beltane with Tal.”

“Yeah, Scylla would love that.” Raelle shot Abigail a look. “And why me? Adil isn’t even in the country and you two aren’t even necessarily together right now, so why not you?”

“I feel like I should be offended?” Tally wondered aloud, only to be ignored.

Abigail heaved a sigh, spinning to stand in front of Tally and causing them to come to a stop as she braced her hands on her shoulders. “All right. If it means that much to you, Tal, I will dutifully fuck you for Beltane. Or at the very least, I will find a nice, handsome man or woman or anyone else to fuck you without emotion and so good until you aren’t thinking about–”

Just as Abigail was going to say a name she should not say aloud, they turned the corner. And ran face-to-face into the woman in question.

“Cadets.” The single word Sarah uttered already sounded… tight? Harsh, almost?

She felt herself blush, knowing her cheeks were bright red, from what Sarah must have overheard as they’d approached the end of the hall. Still, she traced her eyes over Sarah’s face, taking in every angle, the color of her eyes, the hard set of her jaw.

She’d avoided Sarah for the last week, after their night out together. And even though she saw Sarah around the base, it didn’t give her quite the same feeling.

The three of them snapped to attention automatically, though, as Tally finally dropped her gaze from Sarah to take in the fact that Sarah wasn’t alone. The Witchfather stood next to her.

Immediately, Tally’s mood soured.

“Cadets,” Sarah repeated, dropping her own gaze from Tally, looking the three of them over. “You look as though you’ve been busy?”

Tally felt herself blush even deeper, if possible. Because she was in her workout clothes, scourge at her hip, and she was suddenly acutely aware that she might not exactly look… her best.

“I didn’t see you at the welcoming ceremony,” Sarah continued.

“We’ve been getting in some extra training with our mission coming up,” Abigail answered flippantly, before adding, “Ma’am.” Typical.

Sarah’s lips thinned into a sharp line. “Hmm.”

“I didn’t think the Beltane welcome ceremony was mandatory?” Tally asked, staring, once more, at Sarah in challenge.

Those crystal blue eyes landed on her. “Indeed, it is not.”

“But it is the two hundredth year celebration of Fort Salem hosting Beltane, as the tradition we have now,” the Witchfather said, inclining his head. “It is quite a feat we should be honoring this year, even more so than that of other years.”

Honoring. His hand hovered near Sarah’s hip as he spoke, showing respect and honor enough that he wasn’t touching her, but Tally’s eye twitched at the movement, just in time with the way her stomach turned.

She had to bite at the inside of her cheek, hard, but she couldn’t take her eyes off of that hand.

It never quite landed, not really. Just… buzzing around Sarah. Like that hand knew exactly what it would find under her perfectly fitted uniform, and even though the Witchfather showed his deference now, he knew just what he would be getting to experience tomorrow.

The idea alone was enough to make Tally need to go back to the training room and work out the tumult inside of her with her scourge.

That it wasn’t just an idea, but fact – he did know Sarah’s body, and he would know it again, this very weekend – made it almost enough for Tally to be sick right here and now.

And the fact that she had no real right to feel this way made it even worse.

She was scrambling to find anything to say that could extract her from this conversation, when running footsteps approached from behind Sarah and the Witchfather. They all turned to see a tall man, with floppy, dark blonde hair – and Tally nodded in recognition; the man from the workshop base.

Granted, a lot of her memory of their limited time together was eclipsed by Sarah’s lesson in showing Tally how exactly someone should romance her.

He came to a stop, standing at attention. “General Alder, Witchfather,” he nodded, before his gaze fell to them. And when it landed on Tally, his eyes widened, a smile lighting up his face. “Tal–” he skittered his eyes quickly to Sarah, whose lips were pursed, before he corrected himself to say, “Cadet Craven. It’s really nice to see you,” he addressed her over both Sarah and the Witchfather’s shoulders.

She didn’t miss Raelle and Abigail staring at her questioningly or the way they nudged her shoulders, but she did ignore it. Especially as Sarah’s eyes felt like they were boring into her.

For a moment, Tally had to wrack through her memories, because seriously, much of what had happened that day immediately before Sarah had combed her fingers through Tally’s hair and told her it was fire disguised as silk… was a blur. She was relieved when she remembered, “Atticus, right? Hi.”

He nodded quickly, grinning, “Yeah. Hi! I–”

Before she could say anything back, Sarah arched an eyebrow at him. “I hope that you were not running through the halls of our training rooms unless to interrupt us for a specific reason?”

The shortness in her tone said very clearly get to the point. Goddess, but Sarah could be so intimidating. Tally revelled in seeing it, even like this, because it was… awe-inspiring. Arousing.

She inwardly groaned at herself, forcing her eyes off of Sarah, yet again.

He blinked at her, before swallowing hard, “I – yes, apologies, General. Witchfather, sorry to interrupt, but I know you wanted the schematics from my observation of the obstacle course corrections as soon as possible. I figured I should get them to you before the weekend began.” He handed a set of carefully folded papers to the Witchfather.

That the Witchfather reached out and took with the hand that had been on the verge of cupping Sarah’s waist. A dark sense of satisfaction shot through Tally at the fact.

Atticus once again looked at her. “The lacrosse game is about to be put on, outside.” He rocked onto the balls of his feet before falling back on his feels, a clear show of nerves. “I was wondering if you’d like to come?” He quickly looked around at Abigail and Raelle, “You two, as well! Just, also, Cadet Craven?”

Truthfully, anything to get Tally out of spending any more time in the vicinity of Sarah with the Witchfather was enough for her to agree. Immediately, and with relief flooding her. “Yes. Please. Let’s go.”

//

Second.

Abigail and Raelle not-so-gracefully bowed out of joining them – with Raelle rubbing Tally’s back as she’d stepped away from them, saying, “That’s the spirit.”

And Abigail managed to get a pat on her shoulder as she’d added on, “That thirsty, indominable spirit!”

Tally shot her a glare that she hoped burned as she avoided looking at Sarah at all, and hurried to lead Atticus away from the group.

“Tally – or, should I call you Cadet Craven? Whatever you’d prefer,” Atticus was quick to say, as they walked outside.

She snorted out a laugh. “Tally, please.”

“I just wasn’t sure, because, uh, General Alder seemed pretty adamant…” he trailed off with a shrug.

And Tally closed her eyes briefly. “Yeah, I don’t really know – she can be formal, I guess, sometimes?”

He nodded, seeming relatively unconcerned. “Right. Yeah, I was just going to say, I didn’t see you at the Reception last week?” He flushed. “I mean, I only – I saw that you were supposed to be there. The Imperatrix said your name during our introductory period.”

Tally grimaced, rubbing the back of her neck. “I was supposed to be there.” And she’d been avoiding the Imperatrix in the week since. “I just – something more important came up.”

If she counted spending the night with Sarah, Working together and exerting themselves through the obstacle course before Sarah had totally taken Tally out at the knees and discussed sex as important, then… it was absolutely the truth.

And, damningly, she really did.

He shook his head, “No, of course! I,” he coughed, “I kind of like that you like to do your own thing.”

“I was at the obstacle course,” she explained. “Um, the one for Basic… testing it, I guess.”

He gave her a look that was obviously impressed as they entered near to the field everyone else was gathered on. “I built that design.”

“There were only a few weak spots,” she allowed, before she laughed at his pretend blow to the chest.

“I’m not surprised you were able to find them,” he grinned at her before offering one of the lacrosse sticks. “Want to see who has more weak spots in the game?”

Tally took it from him, and, admittedly, she had only ever done this once before. And last year, she hadn’t been focused or, admittedly, caring much about the game at all. But she grabbed it. “You’re on.”

It was a good distraction.

Even as the other witches hummed the seed to make it rain again and the field became slippery and muddy and she’d never really played, it took her mind off of things. She managed to score a point, dodging Atticus, then faking him out one way, and throwing the ball the other.

She pushed her shoulder into his, laughing as she ran by, and – with the rain coming down, letting loose in the game, she really didn’t think about Sarah.

Not until she ran, anyway, back down to the part of the field designated for her team. Atticus was right behind her, and his teammate was throwing the ball at him.

Tally turned to catch a glimpse at the end of the field, make sure she was going in the right direction, and –

Sarah was there.

Right there.

Right at the end of the field.

Her arms were crossed, and she looked angry? Tally wasn’t sure that was exactly right, but something was definitely off.

And most of all… she was soaked.

Just like Tally – like everyone, out here – but Sarah wasn’t the same as everyone else. Unlike the night they’d done the obstacle course, it wasn’t dark outside and she wasn’t wearing her jacket.

Her uniform was always form-fitting, but in this moment it clung to her, as did her pants, and Tally stumbled over her own feet, barely managing to catch herself…

Before Atticus slammed into her. Hard.

Sarah’s face was the last thing she saw as she went down.

//

Third.

Tally blinked her eyes open, dazed.

She was still outside, but the rain had been stopped, and she stared up blankly for a few seconds into the afternoon sky. There was a ringing in her ears and several moments of stunned calm…

Before the world swung back into focus.

She blinked several times as multiple people came to stand above her, Atticus and Sarah being the clearest and closest.

“Tally, I am so sorry,” Atticus’s voice sounded a bit like she was swimming underwater. “I didn’t mean to – I was doing the same move you did, where we fake out and then…” His frantic apology became clearer, but the frenetic pace of his speech made Tally wince. “But you didn’t dodge? And–”

“Enough,” Sarah cut him off with a glare so sharp, Tally thought it could cut glass.

“What happened?” She managed out, tongue feeling a little thick, as she became aware of the throbbing in the back of her head.

“I–”

“This boy mowed you down into the ground, then proceeded to trip and fall on top of you,” Sarah bit out, “Even as you hit your head on a rock.”

“It was an accident!” His voice raised in clear distress. “I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine,” she told him, because – she was sure it had been an accident. If she hadn’t been so distracted by Sarah’s appearance, she likely would have been fine.

“It is not fine,” Sarah stressed, her tone going from a snarl to something significantly softer as she looked at Tally. “You lost consciousness for nearly a minute, and you’re bleeding. It’s not fine,” she repeated, “And you will be going to the infirmary.”

As all of reality started to filter back in, Tally became aware of the fact that – yeah, her head really did hurt, she could feel the blood on her scalp and the back of her neck, and everyone else was watching this.

Embarrassment started to trickle in as she started to push herself up. Both Sarah and Atticus reached out to stop her movements, both of them cupping one of her shoulders.

“I’ll help you to the infirmary,” he offered quickly.

“I believe you have done enough,” Sarah’s voice was clear and firm and sharp, and Tally certainly wouldn’t argue with it.

All right, Tally might, but she didn’t think most people should.

Atticus opened his mouth, frowning in concern as Tally pushed herself up even more, and cut off any potential arguments. “It’s fine; I can get there on my own.”

Sarah’s harsh gaze moved from Atticus to Tally, as she shot her an incredulous look. “Tally, you can hardly sit on your own; I will escort you.”

It was that easy for Sarah to reach down, firmly but gently grasp Tally’s elbow as she slid the arm she’d had on Tally’s shoulder to wrap around her back, and pull Tally up. She went with the movement, eyes widening in surprise at just how easily Sarah lifted her.

The thrill that shot through her at it was quickly chased by the nausea of the movement, and – yeah, it was probably a good thing to go to the infirmary, she thought, as she shut her eyes and swallowed back the grimace of pain and the dizziness.

“It’s all right, I’ve got you,” Sarah murmured as she led Tally away.

Tally leaned into Sarah’s strength and warmth – feeling dizzy with it. In the way Sarah’s fingers stroked lightly over her shoulder and her arm hugged Tally close, supporting her. In the soft assurances she said to her, until they reached the infirmary.

Even as she dreaded being sat on the infirmary bed and separated from Sarah as their Fixers started to look her over, she knew it was what had to happen. What was for the best, honestly, because she loved being that close to Sarah when she was in pain too much.

She knew it was also for the best to say, “You don’t have to stay with me. If you’re busy,” once the Fixers patched her up.

The incredulous look Sarah shot Tally bordered on dangerous as she ignored Tally and addressed Doctor Cragen instead. “How is the wound?”

“Well, it doesn’t need stitches. Just managed to patch it up,” Cragen answered as she tipped Tally’s head forward softly and palpated where she’d been injured. “Might be a little tender, but everything feels fine… we’ll get the results back from her scan, and – assuming they are all clear – she’ll be free to go.”

She stepped back from the bed, nodding at both of them. “I’ll be back when I have the scans. Not long, now.”

As soon as she left the room, Sarah turned to face Tally, “You’ve suffered a headwound, Tally. I’m not leaving while you here, alone. To suggest it is ludicrous.”

“I’m okay, though,” she insisted, and shifted to dangle her legs off the bed, as she rotated her head back and forth. She did feel okay. A little tender, as Doctor Cragen had warned, but otherwise, perfectly fine. “It was just a crappy fall.”

“We will see for certain when the scan comes back. Don’t think about getting off that bed until it does,” Sarah warned, pointing at Tally. “And when it comes back clear, you can be left alone, if that is what you so wish.”

“Well, if you’re as busy as you’ve been for the last week, Atticus could have come,” she meant it as a joke.

But the way Sarah’s eyes glinted did not reflect mirth at the mention of his name. “Idiot boy. He is lucky your wound was minor. Careless, clumsy, overeager–”

“He didn’t mean to hurt me,” Tally stuck up for him, if only because she knew the truth. That she wouldn’t have totally lost focus and fumbled up at all, herself, had Sarah not been there. Watching her. Looking hot as hell in the rain. “And, I’m fine. Sarah, I’m fine,” she stressed the word, softening her voice without thought. She just wanted Sarah to see it, though.

And Sarah stared at her for a long moment, before her shoulders lost some of their tension.

“Tally, why are you doing this?” She asked, voice so gentle, after several beats of eye contact that had Tally’s heart beating harder.

All right, she hadn’t been expecting that, and confusion slid through her as she looked around. “Um, you made me come to the infirmary?”

Sarah reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose, as she started to pace. “Not doing this. Why are you partaking in Beltane traditions, like the game? The last time you came to see me, you were very disinterested in the entire affair. We discussed it very briefly, you then excused yourself, and you,” Sarah broke off, sucking in a breath as she drew up her shoulders tightly again, “Haven’t returned all week.”

Tally bit at her cheek, before she admitted, “I mean, I – you said you were going to be working late on the final arrangements for Beltane all week. So I thought, I should give you space.”

“I see.” There was a stiffness in Sarah’s voice that matched her posture. “Given that you haven’t given me space in the past during busy times, I assumed your absence was due to the nature of my work.”

The strain there, the hurt… it dug into Tally, and, “It… it was because of Beltane,” she conceded softly, mostly because – she didn’t have a lie. She just – she wasn’t good at it, and the nature of not talking to Sarah about the truth of it all weighed on her.

Sarah nodded, taking a deep breath as she turned back to face Tally, searching her gaze, “You don’t have to partake in Beltane, Tally. And to push yourself into doing so is unnecessary.”

Tally frowned. “I mean, I’m not pushing myself to do it.”

“Then why, exactly, did you decide to take Atticus Bricker up on his offer for the game?” Sarah asked in disbelief, arching a demanding look at Tally. “You said yourself, in so many words, that you like a romantic entanglement with your sexual partners–”

“When did I say that?” Because she’d only had the one… and, admittedly, she had an attachment to him, but –

“It was implied, when you told me about that boy from Beltane last year,” Sarah waved her hand, as if her being able to read Tally like a book was, eh, no big deal. She heaved a deep breath, and her frustration was obvious in her clenched jaw. “Wanting to have that attachment with someone is fine, but Beltane isn’t about that. And there is no reason you should try to – to prove anything to anyone.”

“Well, thank you for your permission?” Tally shot back, and she didn’t know why she found herself fidgeting in agitation.

Maybe it was this whole topic, with Sarah. Or maybe it was the way she didn’t love the tone Sarah used, as if having to coach Tally through Beltane. As if Tally was still this naïve girl instead of a woman, a solider.

That thought ignited her.

“I am not some weak, silly girl who doesn’t understand sex and love or the distinction between the two.” In fact, since falling for Sarah, Tally felt like she’d emotionally gained far more experience where feelings were concerned, more than many people ever would. She drew her shoulders back. “I know that because I believe in the best in people, because I look on the positive side of things, and, yeah, fine, so I want romance? That people sometimes see me as naïve or silly or weak. But I think it takes a lot more to believe in what I do and to keep putting myself out there, anyway.”

Sarah stopped short, shaking her head grievously. “I would never think of you as weak. In fact, it is the exact opposite of what I believe.”

Still, though, Tally narrowed her eyes, feeling like everything was coming to a head.

“I believe, though, that you are not truly invested in Beltane and that you are going to be partaking in it in some misguided choice. And as your friend, I thought I should say something.”

Tally crossed her arms, fire burning through her. “So, let me get this right. Every other witch on this base is not only allowed to partake in Beltane, but encouraged to. You plan on it, too,” and every time she thought about it, she wanted to be sick. “But I can’t?”

“You can do whatever you’d like,” Sarah corrected before she reached up and rubbed at her temples. “I was merely saying you shouldn’t force yourself into doing something that you do not truly want to do, merely because you think you should or for any other reason other than that you want to do it.”

“So, that’s why you’re doing Beltane? Because you desperately want to?” Goddess, she didn’t want to know the answer to that. Maybe the very last thing on earth that she wanted to hear was how much Sarah wanted to have sex with the Witchfather.

“It’s a very important tradition. One of the most important traditions. One that we’ve seen repeatedly, through many years, many wars, many hard times, bolsters spirit, strength, and morale. To see your leader partake in it reinforces how important it is,” Sarah’s passion was clear in her answer.

Tally followed every word, turning them over in her mind, and she knew she was right when she pointed out, “I didn’t hear want in that.”

Sarah drew in a deep breath, crossing her arms over her chest as she stopped her pacing to face Tally. “My want is to do what is best for Fort Salem. Holding up our traditions, encouraging everyone to be at full-strength and to take pride in who we are is what I want. My reasons might not always be as simple, but the fact that this is something I will do, that I must do, remains.”

And even though Sarah was one of the most powerful women in the world, the constraints in which she lived weren’t foreign to Tally at this point in their relationship. She knew it, and yet, it didn’t stop the emotions coursing through her.

“Well, Sarah, I’m also not doing anything I don’t want to do. If you’re partaking in the Beltane tradition because it’s that important for witches to do – like you explained last week – then maybe it’s important that I do, too.”

Sarah inhaled sharply, that muscle in her jaw flexing for a long moment before she opened her mouth –

And Doctor Cragen opened the doors to the infirmary, proudly announcing, “Everything on the scan is clear.” She nudged Tally with a small, encouraging smile, “It seems as though the mishap on the field won’t be ruining your Beltane.”

“It seems like it,” Tally mumbled back.

Because she was pretty sure she’d talked herself into doing Beltane on principle alone.

//

Beltane didn’t necessarily mean sex, Tally reassured herself the following day, just as the Reel was poised to begin.

She could still picture Raelle and Abigail’s shocked faces when she told them she was actually going to do it, last night. And the exuberance they’d both displayed when she’d dug out the short, light blue halter style dress she’d seen when they’d gone into Boston a couple of months ago. A style she’d liked a lot, but it had caught her attention more than anything because it matched Sarah’s eyes.

But Raelle had danced the Reel last year and said she’d had a good night, just… hanging out. Tally could do the same, with whoever she ended with. Then again, Tally was fairly certain that Raelle was one of the people Sarah meant when she’d discussed people who didn’t entirely give themselves over.

Tally took a deep breath. Maybe this was the right way to go. Maybe it was the right choice to jump into true Beltane tradition and just go where the Reel led her. Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.

She moved her eyes over the crowd just as the dance began. There was Atticus, he’d already checked on her, multiple times, this morning. And… Tally bit her lip as her gaze landed on Sarah just as the music began.

She had told herself she wouldn’t make note of Sarah, today.

But that was a fools game; it was an impossibility not to see Sarah, as she walked to the thick of the group.

And Tally just might have swallowed her tongue.

This year she was dressed in a sheer black corset, tucked into fitted suit pants, and a matching blazer loose over her shoulders. Through the material, Tally swore even from here, she could see Sarah’s abs, and…

Goddess protect.

She locked eyes with Tally – so briefly, but it was enough for Tally to feel it. Just this zing right through her. And then Sarah broke the contact just as quickly, as she took her spot with the Witchfather.

She closed her eyes, then. She could do this.

Let go, she internally coached as the music began, and she breathed into it. Give yourself over.

As she moved into the beat, the rhythm, she could feel it.

It was unlike last year, even, where she had been focused on Gerit. Where she’d given herself into her feelings, but not necessarily only the Reel.

Right now, though, as she spun and turned, connecting her hands to whomever came about, she concentrated only on her breathing and feeling and nothing else. The power of the rhythm of the dance, of Beltane, of the energy, of the witches around her, starting to pulse through her.

She would not look for Sarah – to seek Sarah out, now, to see her only moments before she would have sex with someone else would be to break her own heart.

She gave herself over, trying to push those thoughts away, and was only left with others. The images of Sarah smiling in her office, firelight reflecting gently off her face. The way she looked in her uniform. The way she cupped Tally’s jaw. The way she’d looked moments ago…

Sarah’s words from the previous week slid through her mind like smoke as she moved, you have the ability to reach your highest potential on Beltane. And letting go, giving yourself to the night, is giving yourself over to the power within you.

And she could feel exactly that. This was power. This was part of her, in her blood, as a witch. Sarah was right. If you truly gave yourself up, you could feel it, even before you finished the dance.

She exhaled shakily with it, as she dimly realized that it was Atticus in front of her, falling to his knees, before she gripped his hair and tugged, and the rush that went through her had nothing to do with him.

Beltane is primitive. If you achieve the highest level of actualization of the night, when you really give yourself over to the Reel, to the effects of the day, you will seek connection and intimacy, it’s true. But you will find power, raw and unlimited.

She drew in a trembling breath as she was dipped, and she didn’t even register who it was. This – this was what Reel was meant to be. To feel the Work inside and bring it to the surface, right until it tingled in her blood, through her veins, leaving her breathless with her own strength.

Wanting to seek out someone else’s who matched yours – who could lift it to the next level. She slid down the length of someone’s body, before pushing back and feeling the thrum of it course through her.

And amidst it all, amidst truly letting go, she could still hear it. Hear Sarah. Primal want, need, and desire. Hot, desperate, and carnal. Base. Cut down right to what makes us who we are. Picture her.

And she knew in those final moments, that it was the Reel, but also Sarah on her mind that made her feel so strongly. That she wouldn’t be having sex with the person she ended with, regardless of how carnal she did feel.

Tally was spun with the final beats of the dance, turning into waiting arms, as her heart pounded in her chest, want coursing in her veins, leaving her hot and aching.

She felt a strong arm curl around her lower back, catching and holding Tally against her, as shock intertwined with everything else pounding through her.

Her voice was faint because she wasn’t sure she would ever get it back, “Sarah?”

Her name came out like a question, but there was no question, no doubt.

Sarah’s scent surrounded Tally, the feel of her flush against her body unmistakable, even if she had never felt Sarah like this before. The hard press of her hips, the soft heaving of her breasts against Tally’s own. And her eyes were blue fire only inches from Tally’s own, an obviously hunger in them.

And, oh, goddess. Tally wanted to be devoured.

They stood, pressed entirely against one another, for long moments as the blood rushed in Tally’s ears and she couldn’t hear or process anything or anyone else. Just this. Just Sarah. Breathing her in.

Wondering – where exactly was this going to go from here?

“Come,” Sarah commanded, her voice a combination of sharp and soft, as the people dissipated from around them.

Tally’s knees nearly went weak at the single word, even though she knew somewhere in her logical brain, that Sarah didn’t mean it like that.

“We aren’t going to do this, here,” Sarah murmured, her tone taking on something dark and, yes, power resonated in it.

Tally’s heart leapt with it, as she pulsed between her legs. Do this? Were they really – were they going to–?

Because Tally had never wanted anything more.

Sarah slid her arm slowly across Tally’s lower back, moving so that she clasped Tally’s hand and intertwined their fingers. Using her hold, she tugged Tally along with her, right off the field, away from the direction people were moving to. Instead, she brought them toward the woods, the biddies following far enough behind that Tally hardly took note of them in this moment.

Because all she could think about, all she could process was… she’d wanted Sarah before. She’d touched herself, been so wet with the thought of all Sarah could do to her, and had come so many times, so hard.

But none of it compared to what she was feeling right now.

She was already soaked, just from the Reel, the strength of it, the feeling in the air, hearing all of Sarah’s words like they’d been whispered in her ear.

Yet, she couldn’t imagine Sarah feeling the same – only… she stared at Sarah’s profile as they walked, heart absolutely hammering in her chest because –

The Reel didn’t lie. And Tally had given herself to it, truly. She’d, well, she had thought of Sarah, but she hadn’t sought her out. So, what did it mean?

“You don’t seem as shocked by this as I am. As I thought you would be,” Tally barely registered speaking before she heard herself say it.

And she didn’t know – did she want to point that out to Sarah? Should she say anything right now, or should she remain quiet with her thoughts? Would talking about this ruin her chances of anything more happening with Sarah tonight?

Was there even a chance to begin with?

Sarah inhaled deeply, continuing to tug Tally along with her, before she admitted, “I’m not.”

The words were just a murmur, spoken above the rustling of the trees they pushed past, and still they hit Tally like a mack truck. Sarah – wasn’t shocked? That they’d ended up the Reel together?

What did – did that mean –

Sarah cleared her throat. “When you truly give yourself to the Reel, you will find that it answers to your emotions. As I said the other night. Instinctively, your most basic self seeks powerful connection and…” She licked her lips, looking at Tally, clearly a bit surprised to see Tally already staring at her, unyielding. “You and I, Tally, we are connected. Profoundly.”

They finally emerged in the clearing – their clearing, at this point, the one from Yule, the one from weeks ago when they’d come out here to talk about Sarah’s past. Still out in the open air, still able to feel the Work surrounding them, getting stronger in the atmosphere with each passing minute.

But as private as one could possibly be tonight, away from prying eyes and ears, even the biddies moving to settle out of sight.

Tally’s breath shuddered out of her, though, at Sarah’s words. One part reveling in their connection, as she always did. The other, a clawing disappointment working to get past all of the other feelings Tally had worked up in the last day.

“What does that mean for us, though?” She asked, finding the strength in her voice, then. She gestured around them. “You – because, you brought me here?” She shook her head, feeling nearly crazed with the turning of events of the evening. She swallowed hard, thoughts swirling, before she took a deep breath and squeezed Sarah’s hand that she was still holding tightly. That neither of them had let go of. “What does it mean for us? Tonight? My ending the Reel with you?”

Sarah’s jaw clenched as she let out a sharp exhale, her hand squeezing Tally’s back. Firm, strong, just restrained enough to not cause any discomfort. “With me? And who would you have preferred to end in the arms of? Atticus Bricker?”

“What? No,” she breathed, shaking her head at the suggestion. At the ridiculous suggestion that there would be anyone else.

“Oh?” Sarah’s eyes glittered, shining brightly as the sun set around them. “Because I am no fool, Tally; I know that you seek out my company less, barely coming to see me at all leading up to Beltane, which you clearly wanted to partake in. Spending less time in our evenings together for weeks even prior. I’m even aware of the nights you’ve spent at the little parties with other war college cadets, so I know the excuses you have told me have been a lie.”

The raw emotion in Sarah’s face, her voice, would have knocked Tally back a step, if not for how hard she now gripped Sarah’s hand.

Beltane brought feelings up to the surface, Tally thought, as she stared into Sarah’s eyes, helplessly. Because these were feelings Sarah never quite expressed to her, but they were clearly there.

There was a hurt, a deep hurt, that twisted Tally up inside the most.

“You… you know about those?” She barely managed to get out.

“I know everything that is happening on my base, at least, I try to.” Sarah tossed back, before she released Tally’s hand and pushed her hands through her hair, the movement clearly stressed. Agitated.

It shifted the shoulders of her blazer up, the sleeves sliding down her forearms, and the shape of her was on such clear display, Tally swallowed hard at it, lust still addling through her.

Sarah’s voice brought her back to earth. “I won’t begrudge bonding amongst my soldiers, even if there are things that happen there that are against Fort Salem policy. Or,” she cut Tally a look, “Even if you choose to spend time with people there instead of with me. I maybe would have appreciated a little bit of honesty, however. I thought we had that.”

“We do,” Tally insisted, stepping toward Sarah again. She didn’t want to feel distant from her, not in any way.

“Obviously, we don’t, or you would have told me.” Sarah snarled out a breath, before she clearly got agitated with the fit of her suit, and she easily shrugged out of it, tossing it to the ground.

Tally choked on nothing, heat streaking through her. The corset hugged the tops of Sarah’s breasts, heaving now with the high emotional twist of the night, the smooth skin of her chest on display, collarbones prominent, as well as the wiry muscle in her arms.

Beltane… yeah, it definitely heightened everything she was feeling. And right now, in a serious conversation, it wasn’t helping matters.

She swallowed thickly, dragging her gaze back up to Sarah’s. “If we didn’t have that closeness, then how did we end up like this? Have you ever ended the Reel without the Witchfather?”

Sarah drew in a visibly deep breath, before she admitted shortly, “No. I have not.”

Tally didn’t know what it all meant – she didn’t know if it was because of their undeniable connection alone or what, but she knew she felt a very strong, dark satisfaction move through her at that. There was only her.

“I didn’t want to end up tonight with Atticus,” the words fell out of her mouth, the truth of it echoing in her own ears.

Sarah’s arms rested on her hips, even as she circled back, closer to Tally, challenging, “You came to Beltane, knowing it would be a possibility.”

“Sarah, all I can think about right now is that this,” she pointed between the two of them, “Is a possibility.” She found herself stepping even closer to Sarah, pushed forward by the rush of blood all over, as she angled her chin up and took the deepest breath.

Maybe it was because of Beltane, and everything ran brighter, hotter, more wanton. Maybe it was because she wanted Sarah so fucking much, she didn’t know if she would ever be able to want someone this way again. Maybe it was because she knew there would never be a time like this again.

And mostly, she knew it was because she was Tally Craven, and spending the last six weeks not facing what she was feeling for Sarah had weighed on her.

“I’m not this person, Sarah, who I’ve been trying to be, since we kissed.” She licked her lips, stomach twisting so harshly, as she steeled her nerves. “I have always been someone who is honest to a fault, and I’ve been trying not to be, because I love what we have.”

Sarah’s mouth fell open in clear surprise, leaving all that escaped her a whispered, “Tally…”

Her heart pounded even harder, though, and with it, she felt brave. “It’s true. Just the memory of kissing you electrifies me,” the rush of that and the thrill of saying it aloud washed over her, a bright smile tugging at her lips at it, as she admitted, “I want you, Sarah. I want you so badly. I gave myself to the Reel tonight, and it’s not surprising, on my end, that it brought me to you.”

There was nothing like this. Maybe she was on a tightrope and maybe she would fall and crash and burn, but the truth was, Tally reveled in this. In that place of even at times discomforting honesty.

She shook her head. “Maybe it was just a moment, for you.” Because she could so clearly remember Sarah’s words decreeing it so. “A moment you can move on from. And – I get it,” a soft, sad laugh worked out of her throat, even as she shrugged. “You don’t think you were made for falling in love or handfasting or anything like that, and with everything you’ve experienced, that’s fair,” even if it killed Tally to think about. “But I can’t move on from it.”

Sarah’s breath trembled out of her lips, before she pressed them together, her hands flexing at her sides, before they clenched. And Tally didn’t know what to make of her. Maybe she was surprised or maybe she was unhappy or – she didn’t know.

She just knew the words that bubbled up and out of her, so glad they finally had a place to go. “I think about it, all of the time. I think about your lips and the way you smile and the way your mouth felt on mine. And tonight, on Beltane, there is nothing more powerful than the way I want you. That’s why it was me.”

As she asserted it, she knew it was the truth, and she nodded with it. “Because if you were looking for a power boost, maybe there are physically stronger people,” she still burned at the thought of the Witchfather, but, no. Because she was the one standing under the light of the moon with Sarah. “But I’m the one who desires you the most.”

She couldn’t miss Sarah’s sharp inhale, or the way her eyes tightly closed. Or the quiver in her arms, before she crossed them tightly.

“Tally,” Sarah’s breath was hardly above a whisper, before she let out that deep breath and opened her eyes to look right into Tally’s, searching her face. “I find you…” Sarah licked her lips and Tally followed the motion so closely. She was parched for it. “Darling. Dearest. Precious. Empathetic, kind, strong-willed, funny.”

Goddess, with every word that fell from Sarah’s deliciously tempting mouth, Tally found herself swaying closer. So close, that she was inches away, maintaining eye contact. Electrified by it.

“Impressively powerful,” Sarah finished in a whisper, as she swallowed.

Tally followed the line of her throat, mesmerized for a long moment, before it hit her exactly what kind of description Sarah had left out. And she would admit, the omission stung. But she was just at a point, now, where she would rather know.

“All of those things, but not attractive?” She asked, anticipation and anxiety and desire and need and so fucking close tied together inside of her.

This was the moment.

Sarah didn’t move back, even as she didn’t say anything for several agonizing seconds. Before she finally admitted, “I find you… exquisitely beautiful,” she admitted, her hand twitched, before she reached out and stroked it over Tally’s jaw. “To believe I don’t desire you, Tally, would be – wildly, erroneously incorrect.”

The rush that rocked through Tally was headier than anything she’d ever experienced. There was so much more there, so much she would have to think about and analyze and reconsider from their past moments, but none of that mattered right now.

None of that mattered against the hunger that swept through her, the arousal so strong she could have been knocked over by it.

“Then, desire me,” she invited, stepping closer, the heat between their bodies building.

Sarah wanted her. Sarah found her desirable. Tally wasn’t alone in this aching, hot, needy desire. She felt like she could hardly catch her breath with it already, as she stared up at Sarah.

Who minutely shook her head, her voice just above a rasp, “I just don’t think–”

“Don’t think,” Tally urged, already breathless, as she reached out. She had to feel Sarah, she had to. She needed it, right now, to feel that this was real. To know for certain that what Sarah said was true.

She made contact with Sarah’s hips, her fingers touching the silken fabric of the corset, but it was so sheer, she could feel the heat of Sarah’s skin underneath. They both shivered.

“You said you haven’t ever not engaged in the Beltane tradition,” Tally whispered, mesmerized by the sight of goosebumps on Sarah’s arms. From her. Tally’s touch did that. Her throat ran dry, as she looked up at Sarah, shaking her hair back. “I would never make you do anything you don’t want to do. I’m not stupid enough to believe I’m strong enough to do that, anyway,” she paused, barely able to control the pounding of her heart as she stroked her fingers higher, fingertips just above Sarah’s breasts. “But–”

She never got to finish that thought and, truthfully, she would never know what it was that she’d been thinking, as Sarah’s mouth descended on hers and she couldn’t think at all.

Chapter Text

Sarah groaned, low in her throat, as her hands shot forward, gripping Tally by the waist. Her fingers were hard against Tally, holding her tightly. And unlike their first kiss, when she didn’t pull Tally close the way Tally yearned for, she did, now.

Now, Tally found herself whimpering in the back of her throat as Sarah yanked her forward, the length of her body sliding against Tally’s.

They both moaned as Tally pushed herself up at the same time Sarah ducked down, their lips connecting.

Soft and hard, Tally thought again in the back of her mind, just like their first kiss.

Only, unlike that kiss, Sarah was an active participant, right away. She licked into Tally’s mouth, tongue stroking Tally’s and she couldn’t help but groan, low and loud, at the taste of Sarah.

Her grip was hard and desperate on Sarah’s hips now, pulling Sarah impossibly closer, as she surged against her. She wanted contact, everywhere, as much as she could get.

She was already so wet, so needy, she could feel herself, and it only multiplied as Sarah’s hands moved from her hips, one moving up to the back of her neck, the other wrapping around her waist as if she wanted Tally as close as humanly possible, maybe even more. Their breasts rubbed together and she wanted – she wished that Sarah was already out of this corset, regardless of how fucking sexy it was.

Then she gasped into Sarah’s mouth, as she realized Sarah’s hand placement was not only to bring them closer… but was also to give her the perfect amount of control, so that as she started walking, Tally was automatically moving with her so smoothly, it was like she didn’t have to think about it at all.

Her back hit a tree, the contact just hard enough to knock whatever breath she’d managed to catch right out of her lungs. And she didn’t care one single bit, as she slid her hands up, into Sarah’s hair, carding her fingers through it and clutching fistfuls of those luxuriously soft, thick dark waves.

“I love your hair down,” she frantically muttered, pulling back just enough, before immediately connecting their lips again.

Sarah arched her hips into Tally’s, pinning her where she stood, as she growled low in her throat. With Sarah against her front and the tree against her back, she was surrounded. It was an Alder tree, she thought.

Sarah drew her bottom lip between her teeth, tugging, before she released it, and rasped, “I thought you might,” before she soothed the slight sting with her tongue, and the sensation lit everything inside of Tally up, leaving her throbbing.

She scratched down Sarah’s back, reveling in the fact that she could touch her, touch everything right now: the strong, soft slope of Sarah’s shoulders, the smooth skin of her chest, as she smoothed her fingers over her collarbones, mewling in the back of her throat.

Sarah’s hands felt like they were everywhere. Starting in Tally’s hair, one hand gripping there, before the other streaked down and slid over Tally’s side, molding to the side of her breast, her hip, her waist, down to grasp her thigh.

“Yes,” she gasped against Sarah’s lips. “Yes.”

Yes, pull Tally closer. Yes, touch her everywhere. Yes, give Tally closer access – any access – to press herself against Sarah. She was so turned on, she swore she could come just from grinding on her, she knew –

Sarah pulled back, disconnecting their kiss for real, and Tally groaned in disappointment. The absence of Sarah’s lips on hers was startlingly disorienting, and she blinked several times, trying to clear the lustful haze that clouded over her.

“Tell me, Tally,” Sarah demanded, strained, “Tell me what you want me to do.” She paused for only a beat. “What you will allow me to do.”

“Whatever you want,” she panted, holding Sarah’s gaze with her own, the intensity in them forcing the world into bright, vivid focus. Her pupils were blown, the blue irises smaller than Tally had ever seen, and darker, too. Sarah was just as affected as Tally was, it was clear.

And that knowledge, fuck, that ratcheted up Tally’s arousal, impossibly more.

“Anything,” she managed to push out, her throat so dry. “Just, touch me.”

She didn’t know what exactly Sarah had in mind, but the truth was, she didn’t care. She couldn’t possibly care, because Sarah was touching her.

“You have no idea dangerous that could be,” Sarah rasped as she leaned in and trailed her lips up Tally’s neck, using the hand still in her hair to tug her head back.

The sensation shot through Tally’s body, landing between her legs, and she whined from it. Goddess. She might not survive whatever Sarah had in mind, but she didn’t even care, as long as it was Sarah who did it.

Sarah nipped at her earlobe before drawing it into her mouth and Tally’s back arched uncontrollably. And then she spoke, husking right into Tally’s ear, “I have had so many thoughts about you, Tally Craven, I could keep you right here,” she flexed her hands, in Tally’s hair, on her thigh, displaying just a hint of her strength, “All night long, at my mercy.”

She nodded, desperately, “Yes,” it was all she could say. A chant. “Goddess, yes. Yes.”

The hand on Tally’s thigh gripped tighter, pulling her leg up, over Sarah’s waist, and Tally easily moved with it. There was relief promised here, as she rolled her hips, pressing herself against Sarah.

She slid her hand below the hem, long, capable fingers sliding up Tally’s inner thigh as she moved her hips again, wanting more. Needing more. Needing Sarah to really touch her, to truly feel how wet Tally was for her for the first time.

There was something in that touch, in the fact that Sarah’s hand was under her clothing while her hips, causing the pressure behind it, remained outside. Clothed. That made Tally buck her hips against Sarah’s touch harder, feeling debauched with it.

Because, she was. She was shameless in wanting more, in trying to seek it out.

She could feel Sarah’s smile against her neck. “I can feel how wet you are, just from here.” She dragged her fingertips over Tally’s underwear, making Tally keen high in her throat as she pushed herself against Sarah more firmly, the sensation of her touch – even lightly, like this – pushing Tally even higher.

A breathless moan left Sarah’s mouth, “You are soaked for me.”

She dug her fingers into the soft skin of Sarah’s back, “I am. It’s all for you. Touch me.”

Tally wasn’t sure if she begged or ordered, all she knew was that she meant those words more than anything she’d ever said before.

She moaned, loud and long, as Sarah pressed her fingers fully against her pussy, through her underwear, and rubbed hard. It felt so good, the contact against her clit, even if it wasn’t right on her, she wasn’t sure she needed that, now.

All she needed was Sarah, her fingers grinding against Tally and she knew she was covering Sarah’s fingers in her wetness.

Feeling herself clenching around nothing, but wanting more, she begged, “Sar–ah, please. Please. I – yes – more.”

Wanton and nearly unintelligible, Tally moved her hips as best as she could, chasing the orgasm she could feel building. The heat moved through her, burning her from the inside, as the pleasure built between her legs.

“More?” Sarah rasped into her ear, and the sound only pushed Tally higher, even as she paused the hard press of her fingers into Tally’s clit.

This was Sarah – Sarah’s low, clear, commanding voice, Sarah’s deft fingers. “Yes,” she breathed, still working her hips against Sarah’s still fingers. “Please,” her hands scrambled for purchase on Sarah’s shoulders, nails digging in.

Sarah hissed at the motion, but she swayed her upper body even closer to Tally at it, if that were possible.

And in seconds, Sarah tugged aside her underwear before sinking two fingers right into Tally.

Her head snapped back, eyes falling closed at the sensation of being filled. It rocketed through her, lighting her up all over, and they both groaned in unison.

“Goddess,” she moaned into the night air, panting as Sarah started pumping her fingers in and out.

“So hot. So wet, I knew you could take me,” Sarah sucked at the skin just below her ear, sending sparks of sensation from that down Tally’s neck, adding to what she felt in her core.

And when Sarah pressed her thumb closer, nudging at Tally’s folds before she slid up and rubbed at her clit, she cried out again.

“I’m close – I want – I’m… close,” she pushed out of her throat, feeling her thigh start to shake already, even as Sarah’s hard grip on it pulled her in.

“Good,” Sarah growled into her ear. “Come, now. I want to feel you.”

Tally was already right there, and Sarah’s words, drove her right to the edge. Then, Sarah moved, sliding until she reached Tally’s witchmark. She rubbed Tally’s clit faster, pressing her fingers in so deep, as she pressed a hot, open-mouthed kiss against the mark and –

The tension that had been coiling inside of her, building, spilled over. Her orgasm moved through her, the delicious, overwhelming heat of it sliding through her veins as she shook and tensed around Sarah, unable to control any of the sounds that fell from her mouth. Unable to control anything.

She was still twitching, holding Sarah close, not sure if she was actually done coming or was in the aftermath for what felt like forever.

And she was still dazed from it, when Sarah gently slid her fingers out and Tally’s head fell back against the Alder tree, as she watch Sarah suck her glistening fingers into her mouth.

“Fuck,” she whispered, utterly transfixed, as Sarah held her gaze the entire time she tasted Tally on her fingers. Even after she finished.

“Oh, I will be. I’m not done with you,” Sarah murmured, gaze dark and intent as she then released Tally’s thigh, slowly lowering it to the ground, as if she knew Tally’s knees were shaky.

She probably did. Because she looked incredibly satisfied with herself, though not as satisfied as she did hungry for more. Like she could still devour Tally alive.

Both of Sarah’s hands moved to the back of Tally’s neck, where her halter dress was securely tied, and she maintained that eye contact the whole time. “May I?”

There was a part of Tally that wanted to laugh at the absurdity of Sarah, who just made her come harder than anyone else ever had before and then sucked Tally’s wetness off of her fingers, asking Tally if she could remove her dress. But there was a much larger part of her that was touched.

Eagerly, she nodded, and she found the strength, then – they weren’t done – to push herself forward.

Within seconds, she felt the release of the top of her dress. It then fell to her hips, where the fitted waist started to catch, and Tally’s chest was bare. She swallowed back the little bit of self-consciousness that wanted to well up – because for all of the things she could be embarrassed by, her body generally wasn’t one of them. But it was the first time Sarah was seeing her, so.

Her nipples were so hard, so tight, the cool night air having less to do with it than Sarah’s gaze. And as she stared at Sarah taking her in, it made every minute insecurity that could have reared its head totally disappear.

If she thought Sarah looked hungry for her before, now she was starved. Her eyes were so intent as she brought them back to meet Tally, so heated, she knew there was some sort of innate Work that made her be able to feel that gaze like a touch. It was the only explanation for the sensation she felt, this full body shiver.

And she yelped as Sarah reached out and grabbed at the dress, tugging it up and over Tally’s head, in a quick, wanting motion. She laughed then, stumbling forward and into Sarah, at the fervor in Sarah’s actions.

She stayed there for a moment, breathing in Sarah’s scent at her neck, still smiling – exhilarated from the moment, from the fact that this was happening, from the way Sarah’s strong arms wrapped around her waist. The sensation of Sarah’s arms warm against the naked skin of her back.

“Are you laughing right now?” Sarah asked, her voice low and teasing, against Tally’s temple. “Have I amused you?”

Tally’s eyes slid closed at it, for just a few seconds. She wanted to commit this all to memory. All of it. Every second. She didn’t want to think about what anything would mean tomorrow. Just, this.

“I was. Now, I’m just reveling,” she admitted against Sarah’s shoulder.

Sarah was quiet as she stroked her fingers up Tally’s back, leaving goosebumps in their wake. “I can give you more to revel in,” she offered after a long moment.

Tally bit her lip as she leaned back, arching an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah?”

The look Sarah gave her was both light and challenging, “Do you doubt me?”

She could still feel the faint throbbing on her pussy, feel her wetness sticking to the underwear she was still wearing and even so, also on her thighs, the vestiges of pleasure still echoing through her.

It stole all of her laughter easily as she swallowed hard and honestly admitted, “Not at all.”

In a move so smooth, it should have been illegal, Sarah had stepped back from Tally, using her dress that she hadn’t realized was still clutched in Sarah’s hand to spread on the ground right next to Sarah’s discarded suit jacket. She turned back to Tally, gesturing to the makeshift “bed” with lifted eyebrows.

“Chivalry isn’t dead,” Tally meant it as a joke, but she… also wasn’t joking.

“What did I tell you about romance?” Sarah added, before she held out a hand for Tally to take. Which, she did, and lowered herself down to sit on her dress, laying back on her elbows and staring up at Sarah.

The sun had completely set, now, the dark of night illuminated only by the light of the moon and the stars, but somehow it made Sarah look even more striking. Her throat ran dry at the sight of her.

“You are stunning,” Sarah said, almost to herself it seemed, and Tally looked back up at Sarah’s face.

That want was back tenfold, and Tally felt it call to her, resonating so strongly inside of her, the edge of heat returning in spite of just having had an orgasm.

“So are you.”

Sarah started to move, clearly intent on joining Tally down on the ground, which – Goddess, she wanted. So badly. But –

“Wait,” she wasn’t sure she’d ever felt more urgent. And Sarah paused immediately, staring down at Tally in question. “Take your clothing off, too.”

She wanted to feel all of Sarah this time. No, it was more than a want; it was a need.

“It is nice to see you are demanding in all measures of life,” Sarah muttered, but there was a dark glint of satisfaction in it. Like she enjoyed that about Tally.

The way she undressed was methodical – quick and precise movements. It was totally and completely Sarah, and it clearly wasn’t designed to be sensual, but it was. The sharp, decisive motions she made were so her, as she swiftly unbuttoned and unzipped her pants, tugging them, along with her sheer underwear down her thighs, before she reached back and expertly unsnapped the corset she wore and let it fall from her body.

Tally would never forget this moment, she was sure of it. The moment of Sarah Alder entirely on display for her. Perfectly shaped breasts tipped with hard, pink nipples, the muscles in her stomach making themselves sharply known every time she breathed, the dark patch of hair that glistened with how wet she was.

Tally could see from where she was, and she did that. The knowledge of that mixed with the visual of Sarah and Tally was hit with a fresh wave of arousal. Stronger, even, than before.

And there, too, was her witchmark, on the left side of her ribcage, already glowing brightly in spite of not having been touched, yet. Tally got to see it, to know where it was – that wasn’t in any history books, either.

She only got to look for what felt like seconds – far too little – before Sarah swiftly knelt down and then covered Tally’s body with her own.

She whimpered, shuddering, as Sarah’s body slid against hers entirely, warm skin against warm skin, and Sarah’s shaky exhale hit Tally right in her core, making her clench her legs together, the desire settling in all over again.

“Goddess, you are divine,” Sarah husked, propping herself on her elbows on either side of Tally’s head, before her mouth took Tally’s again.

Their kiss was deep and messy and needy and ignited a fire inside of Tally that she didn’t think would ever go out, as she slid a hand into Sarah’s hair, then moved the other over Sarah’s side, smoothing over her skin, delighting in the feel of her.

Sarah adjusted slightly, moving herself to the right side of Tally’s body and propping herself up with one arm as she used the other hand to explore Tally. Their kiss slowed, then stopped, as they both breathed heavily and watched Sarah’s hand slide over Tally’s skin.

Her breath caught before Sarah’s fingers even touched her nipples, just seeing that they were about to, feeling her fingertips slide over the curve of her breasts.

And as Sarah splayed her fingers over Tally, cupping her, pinching her nipple lightly between two of her fingers, she arched her back into the touch. She wanted more, already panting as the fevered passion slid through her veins.

Sarah moved her fingers, toying with Tally’s nipples, feeling how hard they were, experimenting with what touches Tally responded to the most, reveling in how sensitive they were – and they were.

“Goddess,” she whined, as she rolled her hips against nothing, feeling the coolness of the night air against her.

“Sarah, please,” she brought her gaze back to Sarah’s face, digging her nails into the back of Sarah’s neck. Because she needed to be filled, touched, fucked all over again more than she needed anything else.

Sarah chuckled darkly, eyes finding Tally’s, burning so bright. “You want to come again?”

“Yes,” Tally panted, letting out a shaking moan as Sarah slid her fingers down the trembling muscles of her stomach, into the top of her underwear. “So much.”

Sarah didn’t respond for long moments as she stared down the length of Tally’s body, breathing heavily herself, looking at her own fingers on Tally.

“Luckily for both of us,” Sarah snapped her gaze back to her, as those fingers curled and she tugged Tally’s underwear – finally – down and off, “I want you to come again, too.”

She pulled Tally’s thighs that she’d been rhythmically clenching together, apart, hooking one leg around Tally’s ankle. The strength in Sarah’s legs holding her pinned open for Sarah’s fingers as she slid down, and circled two fingers over Tally’s aching clit.

The sound of her moan echoed through the trees around them at the light touch that made her feel so much better and yet still wasn’t enough to give her what she wanted.

And then Sarah rubbed even harder, her mouth descending onto Tally’s and swallowing the guttural groan that escaped.

She worked her hips against Sarah’s hand, wanting it all, wanting every sensation that was being pulled from her. The intensity, the wanting, the heat sparking through her was so much, just from Sarah rubbing her clit and feeling Sarah’s body against hers.

Then, Sarah slid down and pushed her fingers back inside of Tally and she cried out against Sarah’s lips. Relief and the utter need for more intertwining inside of her, as she dug one hand into Sarah’s neck, reaching out and grabbing the fabric of her dress with the other.

Sarah’s fucked her fast and hard, drawing back so she could look down at Tally as she fucked her, and Tally arched her head back into the ground under them. She cried out, moans falling from her lips, as she felt her orgasm building. Building, so fiercely, and she knew even now that it was going to be so good, she chased it with everything she had.

“I thought this might happen,” Sarah said, her voice a rumble in Tally’s ear, as she pressed a third finger inside of Tally, letting her adjust for a second, but Tally was so fucking wet, it didn’t matter. It just felt better.

“You – what?” She barely managed to get out, because she was nearly delirious from the pleasure rushing through her, but – what?

Sarah growled, low and feral and wanting as she thrust harder into Tally, curling her fingers in a way that had Tally seeing stars. “I thought – I believed – if you took part in the Reel, this might happen.”

“You – did?” It was unbelievable and Tally was whimpering with every thrust of Sarah’s fingers inside of her, and, “But…”

She couldn’t figure out what else to say to that. What else she could say, because she was incapable of coherent speech, now. She was mindless with need, with lust, with everything Sarah evoked inside of her, and how it curled so tightly inside…

“I’ve wanted you, like this, so many times,” Sarah panted against her, biting at Tally’s throat, and the sting only pushed Tally even further.

“Yes, Sarah,” it was all she was able to say. Yes and Sarah and she didn’t even know what else, until Sarah pressed her mouth back to Tally’s.

It was less of a kiss, this time, and more breathing one another in as Sarah fucked her, but Tally almost preferred it. Being so close that all they could breathe in was each other, it drove her that much closer, so close, so close –

She was dimly aware of her own scream as she came, Sarah’s fingers slowing but not stopping, as Tally shook. She pressed her hips down harder, grinding into Sarah’s fingers, both of them working together to prolong her pleasure for as long as possible, her vision whiting out at the edges.

And by the time her orgasm started to recede, she fell limply down, utterly sated and sensitive as Sarah stopped moving, slowly pulling out and letting Tally adjust.

She finally managed to catch her breath and she lolled her head to the side, a smile that felt shy and satiated and thrilled – everything she was feeling – tugging at her mouth as she gazed up at Sarah. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Sarah said back, a fond amusement written all over her face as she used the hand of the arm she was still holding herself up with to stroke Tally’s hair back.

Tally smiled at her, a deep satisfaction melting through her very being, and she shifted slightly. The movement jostled Sarah, only a little, but with how she was still laying with Tally’s leg between her own, it was enough to strike a match all over inside of Tally.

Because she could feel how wet Sarah was against her thigh and she gasped at it.

She was dripping.

She shouldn’t be shocked, she knew that. There was nothing in Sarah’s words, her touch, her eyes that made Tally feel anything less than utterly desired. Like Sarah was anything less than entirely in the moment with her. And she’d seen her, too, but…

But the reality of feeling Sarah’s drenched folds against her, knowing it was all because of the way Sarah had felt while making Tally come…

The sated, boneless relaxation that had moved through her disappeared in an instant.

“You’re so wet,” she moved her thigh more firmly into Sarah, who groaned at it.

“You didn’t think I would be, after feeling you come for me? Around me?” Sarah asked, a teasing incredulous tone being attempted at the very least.

“I love that you’re trying to joke with me even now,” Tally murmured, because – she just felt it. The intimacy she had with Sarah was unlike anything she’d, obviously, ever experienced with her single past lover.

But she felt like it wasn’t Sarah’s usual, either. At the very least, she wanted to live in that thought, so she was going to let herself.

“Even now,” she shifted again, rocking into Sarah, thrilled by the sharp exhale Sarah breathed out, and the way she squeezed her eyes closed.

“Tally, I–” Sarah paused, clearing her throat, as she obviously tried for her typical cool, calm, and collected, but wasn’t quite reaching it. And that thrilled Tally even more. “I just want you to know, that in spite of the fact that it is Beltane and that I made you come, you don’t–”

Tally’s motions stopped as she stared, wide-eyed and almost offended at Sarah. “If you tell me that I don’t have to make you come, I’m going to…”

“To?” Sarah questioned her clearly empty threat.

“I don’t know, exactly, but maybe scream?” Tally shook her head, pushing herself up so she could look at Sarah, eye-level. “Did you not hear me, earlier? This, with you? I think about it all of the time.”

Sarah swallowed as she stared at Tally, before she nodded, sharply. “Then, touch me.”

It was both an invitation and a command and Tally was so eager to follow it.

She lifted her hand, watching her own motions, mesmerized by touching Sarah so intimately, as she traced her fingers over Sarah’s hip, then to her stomach. She splayed her palm there, before trailing her entire hand up, and every so tentatively, she trailed her fingertips over Sarah’s witchmark.

It was already glowing, so brightly, as Tally traced her fingers over it and she wondered for a moment if it was as sensitive as her own was – before Sarah gasped and Tally could feel the goosebumps that erupted on her skin. So, it was, then. And that knowledge settled deep inside of Tally, giving her a fresh sense of urgency.

She wanted to make Sarah make those noises. She wanted to make Sarah feel as wild and good and – everything, as Sarah made her feel. Her heart pounded in her throat as she moved her fingertips up and over the curve of Sarah’s breast.

It was so soft, so incredibly soft and she was so warm, and Tally wanted to explore her for hours. She wanted to map Sarah’s body out and learn every inch of her. She wanted –

Sarah hissed out a breath as Tally lightly – then harder, as Sarah’s volume grew louder – pinched her nipple.

“Tally, I am very much enjoying this,” Sarah’s voice was strained, “But I need you to fuck me, now.”

The words hit Tally like a fucking lightning bolt and she whipped her gaze back up to Sarah’s, whose jaw was clenched as she panted out short breaths. In a single look, Tally had never felt more desired in her life. And she honestly doubted she ever would.

Even so, as she continued to work over Sarah’s nipples, she felt the slightest skitter of nerves.

“I,” she had to attempt to gather herself and take a deep breath, “I’ve never – I mean, I’ve thought about it, a lot. And I want to make you come as hard as you made me, I just – just so you know…”

Goddess, she had one opportunity for this, and she was going to ruin it here and now, like this.

“I mean, I want it to be good for you, but I–” Before the embarrassment could entirely take over, though, Sarah cut in.

“Sit up,” Sarah said, the husk of her voice low and firm and in the exact tone that made Tally’s spine tingle as she instinctively followed the order.

She quickly pushed herself up, entirely alert for anything else Sarah might say. Sarah’s eyes flashed. She pushed herself up from where she’d been laying on her side, until she was on her knees in front of Tally, her breasts directly in line with her vision.

Her mouth watered at the sight. She didn’t have to have ever done it to know she wanted –

All thoughts completely disappeared as Sarah straddled her lap. Warm thighs bracketed Tally’s own, and she couldn’t tell who moaned first as their bodies pressed together.

Sarah braced one hand on Tally’s shoulder, sliding the other into her hair, as she ducked down and captured Tally’s mouth with her own.

Fuck, she loved feeling Sarah on her. So close to her, all over her, just like this. Sarah pressed her hips into Tally’s stomach, grinding herself into Tally and making little grunting sounds in her throat, breathing them into Tally’s mouth, that were driving her crazy.

She brought her hands up to Sarah’s back, feeling the lithe muscles there moving with every movement of Sarah’s hips. She could feel Sarah now, again. How wet she was, rubbing against Tally’s stomach, as her teeth nipped at Tally’s lip.

“Fuck me,” Sarah husked out as she pulled back just enough, warm breath moving over Tally’s mouth. “I want your fingers inside of me.”

Tally didn’t have to be told twice, the need to pleasure Sarah driving her higher. She moved one of her hands down, using the other to claw into Sarah’s back, as she rubbed over Sarah’s folds, and groaned, herself.

Sarah dripped over her fingers as Tally rubbed them against her.

“Inside,” Sarah growled, as she dug her nails, deliciously sharp, into Tally’s shoulder blades.

The simple command alone sent a rush through Tally unlike anything she’d ever felt. And still she grinned up at her, breathless and exhilarated. “Yes, General.”

Carefully, she slid two of her now soaked fingers into Sarah, both of them moaning at the sensation. She – she couldn’t believe it, for several long moments. She was inside of Sarah. She could feel Sarah’s walls clenching around her fingers, Sarah’s thighs quaking against her wrist, Sarah’s weight in her lap, her hands holding onto Tally for purchase.

It was Sarah, who gasped again, and then groaned long and low, Tally’s own name into her ear. “Tally.” And maybe it was supposed to be another command – there was a slight edge in it – but it was taken away just enough by the neediness.

And whether or not she had done this before, she didn’t need to be told twice.

She drew her fingers out slowly, before carefully sliding them back in all of the way. And then again, and this time, Sarah gripped her tighter, using her hold on Tally’s shoulders to draw herself up, before pushing herself down just as Tally thrusted up.

It was fast and hard from there, and Tally reveled in it.

In the feeling of Sarah around her fingers, dripping down her hand, the gasping-grunts she let out whenever Tally hit a particularly sensitive spot inside of her.

Sarah’s head was tossed back as Tally stared up at her, the moonlight reflecting off her skin. Her mouth was slack, back arched, her perfect breasts moving only inches from Tally’s face, her witchmark luminous in the dark air right underneath.

Tally couldn’t help herself. Her mouth watered, and she needed – she needed –

She leaned in, kissing Sarah’s mark lightly for a second, before she opened her lips and sucked at the skin softly, tasting the natural, clean taste of Sarah with the saltiness of the sweat they’d worked up and it only made her hungrier for more.

Sarah jerked against her, hips moving so hard down against Tally’s hand, as she cried out above her.

And suddenly, one of the hands that had been dug into Tally’s back slid and cupped Tally’s jaw, tugging her away from Sarah’s body. She moved with the touch, naturally, as Sarah started riding her harder, faster, more desperately, staring helplessly up at Sarah, who held her in place.

Like she wanted to look at Tally, right now. To see her. To –

“More,” Sarah demanded, voice husky and wanton. Needy. “More.”

Tally managed to slide a third finger inside of her, crying out, herself, at Sarah’s strangled sigh at being filled.

“Good,” Sarah moaned the word, “So good, Tally, so good.” She stared down at Tally, sliding her thumb up to hold just over Tally’s lips.

Tally opened her mouth, sucking in the tip of Sarah’s thumb, and lived for the hazy, dark look that moved over Sarah’s face.

She moved her fingers inside of Sarah as hard and fast as she could, then. She needed. She needed to see Sarah fall apart, to make Sarah come for her. It built, this hunger, almost as powerfully as Tally’s own need to come had taken over her. Maybe just as powerful, but different.

She angled her hand, trying to – trying –

And when she felt Sarah’s hard clit grind into her palm, she felt more victorious than she’d ever felt before, especially when Sarah arched so hard against her, she almost fell back.

It was only seconds after that Sarah came, and she would never forget a moment of it.

The way Sarah’s grip on Tally’s jaw tightened, demanding Tally keep eye contact with her. The feeling of Sarah’s thighs shaking so hard, the way her walls clenched around Tally as if wanting to keep her inside. The low, grunted cries clawing out of her throat as she grinded so hard into Tally.

Sarah Alder coming – let alone coming because of Tally – was everything that was right in the world. She was meant to do this, she knew it in that moment. This? Could make fighting a war worth everything.

Those thoughts echoed as Sarah came down from her orgasm, shaking slightly against Tally, her whole body melting against her. Sarah melted against her, as Tally slid her fingers out slowly and that… Goddess, that invoked a softness inside of her that had her stroking her hand up the soft skin of Sarah’s back, reveling in a moment of pure trust.

And at the same time, it ignited the flame inside of Tally, all over again. She was this person. She was the person who was with Sarah tonight, because she desired her, like this.

“Can you come again?” Tally asked, her heart pounding as if she’d been the one to come, just now. It almost felt like she had, in a way. “I want – I need–”

She had no idea how to verbalize what she wanted, what she needed, but she knew she did. She knew there was a hunger inside of her right now – to make Sarah come again, to see Sarah arch and moan and shake against Tally and know that Sarah was utterly coming apart at the seams for her. With her.

There was something awoken in Tally, right now, and she felt almost drunk on it. And it demanded more.

“Yes,” Sarah answered, trying very clearly to keep her voice steady, but it trembled just a bit, just enough to burn through Tally’s veins. “Yes, I–” She broke off on a yelp, a sound Tally had definitely never heard from Sarah before, and she was certain that very few people ever had.

All because Tally wrapped one arm around Sarah’s back, the other sliding under and gripping her thigh, before she leaned them forward. Sarah on her back, now, under Tally, who grinned brightly down at her.

“Cadet Craven, what a show of strength,” Sarah murmured, teasing just a bit as she reached up and pushed Tally’s hair behind her ears, trailing her fingertips over her jaw, using her left hand to stroke over Tally’s witchmark.

Sarah grinned sharply when she shuddered, the touch clearly having been intentional.

“I told you, I’m not weak,” she said, exhilarated and reveling in the feeling of Sarah underneath her, their bodies pressed together so completely.

“Perhaps not. But I do not generally allow myself to be handled in such a way,” she arched a look at Tally. A serious look. A look that was so in command, that had Tally been in any other situation, she would have snapped right to attention. Right now, it only added more fuel to the fire inside of her. “Or put on my back.”

Tally’s heart raced, as she bit on her lip and pushed herself up to look down at Sarah, promising, “I won’t tell anyone.”

And then she took advantage of her position to really trail her eyes down the length of Sarah’s body and – fuck. She breathed out a shaky breath, licking her lips as that hunger – only momentarily sliding to the backburner – came thundering back, as she trailed her eyes back up Sarah’s body.

“I’ve never gone down on a woman, before,” she told her, honestly.

She didn’t wait for Sarah’s command or instruction or encouragement, this time. She was still high enough on making her come already, no nerves could possibly move in through this.

“I’m going to figure it out, though,” she promised, already moving down. “I’m eager to please,” she reminded Sarah with a sly smile, as she slid her lips down Sarah’s chest, her witchmark, the planes of her stomach, pausing to suck at her hip. Biting when she felt Sarah’s hands thread through her hair.

“It’s one of my favorite things about you, in this moment,” Sarah rasped, her fingers tightening as Tally situated herself fully between Sarah’s thighs.

She felt her mouth water, as she pushed forward, drawing her tongue up swollen, wet folds and moaned right against Sarah at the taste. Especially as Sarah’s hips jolted at the same time her hands tightened, tugging Tally against her, harder.

She licked and tasted everywhere, slowly at first, just to learn. To find the places that made Sarah sigh or groan or shudder or roll her hips. And it was heady and powerful and perfect, and she didn’t know for how long before she had to move faster. Because it was all too electric, too much, too – too everything and she needed more.

She slid her tongue into Sarah, panting and groaning as she felt her clench, and she swore she could feel more than hear the breathless cries that Sarah shouted into the night. She licked up, over Sarah’s hard clit, those perfect, long fingers tightening in her hair to the point of pain as she felt Sarah’s heels dig into her back and Tally had never been more alive or present than she was in this moment.

This moment, as she slid a hand up Sarah’s hips and her waist, scratching down her stomach, just so she could feel the way Sarah shuddered against her touch, the same way she pressed her hips more desperately into Tally’s mouth.

She flicked her tongue faster, before sliding the fingers of her other hand, the one that had been wrapped around Sarah’s quaking thigh, inside of her.

Thrusting her fingers all the way in, before moving them slow and hard, in a way that had Sarah digging her heels so hard into Tally’s back, she thought she’d be bruised but she wanted it. She wanted everything. And she licked harder, faster, and didn’t stop as she felt and tasted Sarah come against her tongue.

She was dazed with it, with the experience and the feeling coursing through her and she swore the earth shook, as she looked up Sarah’s body.

This was Beltane, she thought, dimly, greedily taking in the way Sarah’s chest heaved as she panted for breath. This was everything Sarah had described. The base of who they truly were.

“Come here,” Sarah commanded, her voice hoarse, as she used the hands still in Tally’s hair to tug her up, cradling her face.

Blue eyes seemed to crystalize in the moonlight, so many thoughts behind them, Tally would never be able to know them all. She wanted to, though, she thought, as she stared down at Sarah, her black hair wildly spread over Tally’s dress, into the grass.

Then Sarah pulled her down, her kiss searching and voracious, as she rolled Tally onto her back, igniting the hunger inside of her all over again.

//

Tally honestly didn’t know when it was that they made their way out of the woods, back toward the main part of the base.

All she knew was that she was covered in Sarah – the taste of her, the smell of her, there were marks from Sarah’s fingers and her mouth littering her body – and that Sarah was covered in her. She’d languidly pulled her dress on, shivering slightly as the fever she’d been under for hours faded just enough for her to feel how the temperature must have dipped in the last few hours.

She had Sarah’s jacket around her shoulders, that Sarah had easily slipped over her shoulders as soon as she’d fastened the tie of her dress behind her neck.

She’d looked at Sarah in surprise, noting that Sarah had already dressed herself in her corset and fitted pants – how did she do it so quickly and manage to look somewhat put together?

“You seemed chilled,” Sarah gave, easily, in explanation, as she offered Tally her shoes.

Tally wasn’t an idiot; she was chilled, and she wanted to wear Sarah’s jacket. She’d shrugged her arms into the sleeves before pulling her shoes on.

Their walk back to this point had been quiet, but not uncomfortable. Soft. Easy. The way Tally felt was just – right, right now.

It was only when they reached the first paved walkway on campus – one that would take Tally to her barracks and the other direction that would take Sarah to her own, that the uncertainty edged in.

And she desperately didn’t want to feel it. Not tonight. Not yet. She wanted this, the easiness, just a little longer.

Was this the part where she had to question where they were going? What they were doing, now? What did it all mean? Was this going to be it? And how could that be? Even thinking about it made her heart start to ache and her head spin. Because, she wasn’t ready for that.

“Beltane isn’t over,” the words fell out of her mouth, the fastest excuse she could think of.

Sarah looked at her, a small smile tugging at her lips. “Oh?”

“I mean… it’s probably not midnight yet.” Tally had no fucking clue what time it was. But the moon was still high in the dark sky, and there was no sunlight peeking over the horizon at all, so…

She waited, holding her breath and wondering how transparent she was, for several long, agonizing seconds…

Before Sarah murmured, “I think you are probably correct.”

All she knew after that, was that Sarah had taken her by the hand, laced their fingers together, and led her to her own quarters.

And that despite having never had sex with a woman before, she was certain that after everything they’d done in the clearing in the woods and then again in Sarah’s bed… Tally would never recover from what it was like to be with Sarah, in particular.

It was hours after that, that Tally was absolutely positive her body couldn’t take anymore and she was fairly sure Sarah felt the same, as they laid under the covers in Sarah’s bed.

She was naked. In Sarah’s bed, surrounded by her scent, with the soft blanket wrapped around the both of them, and Sarah’s even softer skin pressed against hers.

They shared a pillow, both laying on their sides as they faced one another.

And even though Tally was entirely spent, the best kind of exhaustion pushing through her entire body, her eyelids heavy with it, she refused to close them. It was a battle, honestly, because she’d never in her life been more ready to fall into a deep, spectacularly restful sleep that she knew was waiting for her.

But she also knew, the longer she was able to keep her eyes open, the longer she would be able to stare at Sarah’s face, only inches away from her own. The longer she would be able to memorize the feeling of Sarah’s fingers stroking softly along her back, where Sarah’s arm was draped over her.

“I need less sleep than you to function and even I am exhausted,” Sarah’s sleepy, husky voice startled Tally, and she felt herself blush as Sarah’s eyes blinked open.

“I thought you were sleeping,” she whispered, unwilling and unable to look away from Sarah’s gaze, now. She’d thought Sarah had truly started to doze several minutes ago.

“Not just yet,” Sarah whispered back.

And Tally couldn’t help it. There was a thought that had occurred to her earlier, after Sarah had given Tally her fourth orgasm of the night. As she’d laid on her stomach, breathing heavily and staring ahead of her as she recovered… she stared at the spot they’d had their bonfire during Yule. And the thought encroached on her, vaguely, and ridiculous, and only sat on her mind for literal seconds, before she’d rolled over and lost herself in Sarah, again.

But in the quiet, comfortable stillness they’d found in the last twenty minutes, as she’d stared at Sarah while fighting sleep, it popped right back into her head.

“What were you going to say? On Yule. The first resolution you’d really thought of.”

She hadn’t meant to let the question slip out, but once it had, the anticipation of Sarah’s answer slid through her.

Sarah looked more awake, then, blinking several times as her eyes opened wider, before she said, “I don’t recall.”

Incredulity shot through her. “Come on. You do. I know you do.”

She didn’t know what she was going to get. If she would get honesty, a lie, the non-answer of Sarah encouraging her to go to sleep.

And the truth seemed like the last option after long moments went by… before she felt Sarah’s hand flex against her and she admitted, “The first thing that occurred to me to want, that night, was to have more evenings feeling close with you.”

It hadn’t been what she was expecting. Not in the least, and the surprise of it worked through Tally, even as the pleasure settled through her. It floated through her veins, until she felt as warm and safe and cozy on the inside as she did on the outside, nestled in Sarah’s bed, and it put her right to sleep.

//

Tally groaned as the slats of light slid over her face from Sarah’s windows, and – honestly, as the General, Sarah could definitely use some black out curtains in here, right?

Then again, Tally doubted Sarah ever slept late enough to need them.

Wait – Sarah’s bed, Sarah’s windows, in Sarah’s quarters –

Holy shit.

She sat up quickly, as the reality of what had happened the night before washed over her.

Beltane. She’d had powerful, hot, base, carnal, sex for hours – and hours and hours, literally – with Sarah, until they’d passed out in her bed, together.

The sheets fell down to her waist as she looked around, pushing her hair hurriedly back out of her face. She hadn’t really had time to process being in Sarah’s quarters the night before, plus, it had still been mostly dark, and she’d been way too focused on Sarah to focus on her personal effects.

Not that there were many, Tally realized as she looked around.

Sarah’s quarters were large, but not so large as she thought they could have been, had Sarah been nearly anyone else who got to design her own home. The bed she was in was comfortable, but not a king-size luxuriance with silk sheets. Comfortable, sensible cotton sheets surrounded her in the queen-sized bed.

And… unable to help herself as the curiosity slid through her, she tugged the sheet off the bed as she stood, pulling it over her shoulders, feeding her curiosity.

How many chances did someone have to really look at the private life of Sarah Alder?

There were several tables – all of them distinct from one another and Tally would bet that they were hand-carved, given the intricate work done on them. And all of them were littered with various items – stacks of books, lamps, a record player much like the one in her office, a golden pocket watch, several knives – not military issue – rested in a case on a long table on the far side of the room, and a… was that an old-fashioned sewing machine on the desk in the corner?

Several paintings – ones that Tally were certain could easily have homes in museums – were hung on several walls.

What Tally appreciated the most about it all was that it all seemed perfectly curated to fit Sarah’s likes. There was not a single item in this room, as she looked around once more in fascination – at this glimpse of Sarah that so few people were allowed to have. Even her biddies, Tally knew from her time of being one, rarely ever entered this room.

And at first glance, it could almost seem… impersonal. It was all organized with no clutter at all, and was clearly well-cleaned and maintained.

There were very few bright, vibrant colors other than the paintings themselves; it wasn’t at all similar to a room Tally would design and decorate for herself. But when she took a closer look, she could see that all of the items were clearly things Sarah had handpicked, all looking like they could be from different decades, different centuries, even.

They were all tokens across time that Sarah chose to keep her company in her innermost private sanctuary. These were the things Sarah, who held material items in very low regard, held onto and found value in.

And that made it perhaps the most personal, bold arrangement of items in the literal world.

It gave her a rush that she held onto, even as she tugged the sheet tighter to her to ward off the slight chill in the air – Sarah always ran warmer than she did, after all, so it made sense her quarters were kept cooler.

It felt odd, to be in here alone, though.

Especially because she would very much like to have spent waking up snuggled close to Sarah. Revelling in the intimacy and the closeness they’d shared last night.

They hadn’t even fallen asleep until sunrise – maybe even a little later? When she’d been staring at Sarah’s face, the orange hues of dawn had started poking through the windows and had started illuminated Sarah’s skin.

The clock – analogue, of course – on the wall told Tally it was almost noon, which… Goddess, she didn’t remember the last time she’d slept until noon? Certainly not ever during the week and not on weekends, not at Fort Salem. Maybe, occasionally, in her earlier teens back at her mom’s house during school breaks, but…

Her body felt deliciously sore and exhausted as she walked around.

She had vague memories of Sarah climbing out of bed… she didn’t know when, but definitely hours ago.

She’d blearily tried to open her eyes as the bed dipped and she’d registered that she felt colder than she had all night. And then a moment later, recognized that it was because Sarah was no longer in the bed with her.

Well, not really. She instead was sitting, dressed in full uniform, on Tally’s side of the bed. Tally wasn’t fully awake, but she could tell there was something on Sarah’s mind that conflicted her.

And when she noticed Tally looking at her, she rested her hand on Tally’s hip, above the blanket. “I wasn’t sure if I should wake you.”

“Time s’it?” She’d asked, voice slurring slightly from the tiredness still trying to pull her into sleep.

Sarah smiled, though, softly. “It is nearly eight. Later than I am typically ever up, even on the morning after Beltane.” She arched a look down at Tally, her eyes sparkling in the morning sun. “Granted, I do not typically stay up quite so late on Beltane, either.”

A sleepy, victorious smile spread over Tally’s lips, the satisfaction that filled her so fucking strong, she could have danced from it. If she wasn’t about to fall back to sleep, that was.

“I do, however, have a meeting in ten minutes, and have a responsibility to oversee the final events this morning, before a,” she sighed, gesturing with her free hand – the one that wasn’t lightly stroking Tally over the blankets, “Mess of an afternoon.”

“Meetings? It’s… Beltane. And Sunday,” she’d weakly argued.

Sarah’s smile was full of affection, though, and it nearly mollified her. “It is, indeed.” The look on her face darkened, a fleeting look of conflict crossing her features. “Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean my obligations are any less time consuming. In fact, it usually only means that given the time and attention dedicated to Beltane for the last week, there is even more to do now that it is over.”

Okay… that sounded like a serious conversation. Right. Tally reached up to rub at her eyes, valiantly ordering herself to get up after the mere two or three hours of sleep she’d had.

“I – me, too – yeah.” She’d yawned pressing her hand over her mouth, even as she used the other to reach back, brace against the mattress, and push herself up. “Time to get up.”

And Sarah had answered in a quiet rasp of a laugh that settled so warmly, so sweetly inside of Tally. “No, darling,” and she slid her hand up Tally, from hip to waist to her bare shoulder, her touch so convincing. “You, stay. Sleep.”

It had been so easy to fall back against that touch, to feel the warmth of Sarah’s fingertips on her shoulder and the softness of the pillow that smelled so perfectly like Sarah, and nearly immediately be lulled right back into sleep.

That had to have been nearly four hours ago, she thought, as she reached out and traced her fingers lightly over the jewellery case across the room from Sarah’s bed, on a small, polished table next to her closet.

Sarah never wore jewellery, not that Tally really saw, and she wanted to open it, to see what kind of gems Sarah might have kept or worn at points in her life. She –

She jumped, spinning around as the door to the room quietly creaked open. And even though she knew it had to have been Sarah, there was still a quiet comfort that came over her when that was proven to be correct.

Regardless of the uncertainty that swept through her and mingled with the nerves that she did her best to swallow back – because what was next, now? – she couldn’t help but smile, the shot of excitement she nearly always felt when seeing Sarah doubling with their connection from the previous night.

Sarah carried a tray in her hands, as she quietly shut the door behind her, still in full uniform. Her gaze went from the bed and then to Tally, eyebrows winging up as she took Tally in. “You’re awake.”

Tally flushed, realizing yet again that she was only in the sheet, that she adjust around her shoulders. “I – I just woke up.”

Sarah’s eyes flicked to the jewellery case that Tally had stroked her hand over.

She bit her lip. “I wasn’t – you know, that’s your private–”

And she nearly fell over in relief when Sarah smiled softly at her. “Even if you had opened it, Tally, I wouldn’t have been upset. There is nothing in here I do not trust you with, or you would not be in here.”

The honor of that was so strong, Tally almost felt weak with the rush of giddiness it caused her. “Right. That makes sense.” No matter how hard she bit her lip, though, it couldn’t stop the smile that wanted to take over, especially as she looked down at what Sarah was carrying. She walked closer to get a better look, as she asked, “Is that for me?”

Sarah stared at her for a long moment, before she followed her gaze, as if momentarily forgetting that she was, indeed, carrying a tray. “Yes. You missed breakfast.”

She was absurdly pleased, and – did that bode well for her? It didn’t feel like enough to answer the questions she had mounting inside of her, but it did feel unstoppably good.

There was a small teapot, a cup, what looked to be about five slices of toast – with an array of butter and jams in small cups next to it – a large bowl of various fruits, oatmeal, a glass of orange juice, a couple of muffins, four hard-boiled eggs – Tally couldn’t help but chuckle. “How much do you think I’m going to eat for breakfast?”

The look Sarah shot her was all acid on top, with the slightest bit of am embarrassed huff underneath, and Tally loved it. “As you so well know, I do not eat breakfast, and thus, couldn’t tell exactly what would be enough or what you’d like.”

“I guess the biddies didn’t provide too much help?”

Sarah shot her a dry look. “Oh, they helped. Constant squabbling over what was the best to take. Get the toast, no get the oatmeal, make sure you have the eggs – tea, no juice,” she grumbled, even as she laughed quietly with it, and Tally joined in, because she could so easily remember it, from her time as a biddy.

“Well, I appreciate it. All of it.” She went to reach out to take the tray, only realizing a split-second too late that – yes. She was wearing a sheet and that was all.

It slipped down over her shoulders, as she moved to take the tray, before she swore under her breath and caught herself.

Sarah’s gaze dipped to her shoulders, lingering for a long moment that made Tally shiver, before she rolled her lips and wordlessly turned to put the tray on the table next to the bed. “I have some clothing – a few standard issue shirts, shorts, sweatshirts – in the bottom drawer of the bureau. You can take anything you want.”

It was the moment of easy laughter, then mixed with the stark realization of what exactly was going on, that drove the question to fall from Tally’s lips.

“Where are we going from here?” The words left her mouth, unbidden. She hadn’t even truly, consciously, thought it, before.

Sarah’s sharp inhale felt like it echoed through the room, as she turned to look back at Tally. “I… Tally, I am not sure this moment is the right time to have this conversation.”

“I mean, I’m in your room, still naked, the morning after we had sex, so – I’m not really sure there could be a moment that makes more sense,” she pushed, feeling bolstered by how strong every emotion that rolled through her felt. Was that because of Beltane, too?

When Sarah’s eyebrow arched up and she then opened her mouth, Tally could feel it. This desperate need to know that they were, to work out whatever was between them, now. Like she’d been living in some sort of limbo for months, and she had to know.

“I can’t handle you trying to put this off, again. After we kissed, you said we should get caught up in it, but I laid it all out for you last night. I told you how I felt, about the kiss, and ever since then. But you are confusing me, and this – this has to be the moment. You can’t put it off or try to deflect.” Her fingers tightened, gripping the sheet so hard, as her heart pounded with the intensity of her words. “You’re General Sarah Alder; you have seen anything a human can see. You can’t be – afraid? Of this conversation, I know you can’t.”

Sarah stared at her for a long moment, eyebrows furrowing before she spoke, slow and clear, “I was going to say, this is not quite the moment for that, as all of the biddies are packing a small bag before convening outside of that door.” She nodded at the door only a few feet away, the one she’d just entered from. “Bellweather and Lieutenant Chen are on a conference call in my office that I must join in on. And as of an hour ago, as soon as that meeting is over, I have been called to D.C. to have a meeting with President Wade.”

Embarrassment curled low inside of her, the wind abruptly taken out of her sails as she worried at the inside of her cheek.

Sarah held her gaze, that same conflict Tally thought she’d seen this morning moving over her features.

“I couldn’t get on a flight to D.C. for the remainder of the day, likely later than I would typically see you, without a word, given how we’d spent last night. So, I thought I would excuse myself from the conference call to be able to explain my absence today,” Sarah explained in a measured tone.

“And you brought me breakfast,” she murmured, even as the idea of it – Sarah had taken a leave from a likely important call, before she had to then take a meeting with the literal president, to make sure Tally didn’t feel abandoned the morning after Beltane – swept through her.

“Well. Yes,” Sarah’s cheeks tinged pink, and Tally delighted in it. “I felt it was the right thing to do.” Her perfect posture cracked, just for a moment, as she reached up and rubbed her forehead.

And it gave Tally everything she needed to push forward in asking, “What were you going to say, then? When you brought me breakfast in your bed and woke me up to tell me you were leaving?”

She had no idea what she was even expecting with her question, but she held her breath with it, anyway. She didn’t think Sarah would make a grand, sweeping love declaration, but she didn’t –

“Tally, I didn’t plan on ending the Reel with you,” Sarah held up a hand, seeming to sense that those words caused a flash of hurt through her. “And that is not to say that I regret it or that I wish it was otherwise, because I do not.”

“But you weren’t surprised by it, either,” she pointed out, already feeling confused and twisted up inside about the direction this was going in.

“I am incredibly attracted to you, very clearly,” and no, Tally doubted she would ever be used to the rasp in her voice when she made such a statement or by the fire in her eyes at it. “And I had… presumed you felt a similar manner toward me, after your birthday, in terms of attraction.”

“But you didn’t want to pursue anything further,” she stated, just trying to make sense of it all. And, did Sarah even realize? Did she realize how much more than attraction this was for her? Because Tally had been attracted to a handful of people, but it was nothing like this. “You wanted to pretend it never happened. But,” she stared up at Sarah, needing her to understand how much Tally meant this –

“We can’t go back to being nothing, after this.”

And she hadn’t even really thought of it, before now, the heavy truth of those words.

Hell, when would she have even had the time, given that she’d been so swept up in Sarah and Beltane and all of the earth-shattering sex? She hadn’t had the time to really consider what this would mean for them.

But as she stared at Sarah, wrapped in her sheet, her heart pounding in her chest while she could still feel everywhere Sarah had marked her, she knew. She could never go back from this.

The look Sarah gave her was both wounded and offended. “You are never nothing to me, Tally.”

Even the truth of that rang through her in such a pleasant way, while everything else felt messy. She had to wonder just how far gone she truly was, then.

Still, though, she stared at Sarah, shaking her head, heart thumping against her ribs, and –

“Tell me it’s me, then,” she challenged, her voice barely above a breath. “Tell me it’s all on me. Tell me that you were caught up in Beltane, in our connection. Tell me that if I dropped this sheet right now and stood in front of you, just me, that you wouldn’t want to repeat everything we did last night. Tell me,” she reached up and dragging her hand through her hair, the one not holding up the sheet, feeling crazed with the laugh that worked out of her throat and the strength of everything that ran through her. “Tell me that even though you find me,” she swallowed hard, so easily recalling Sarah’s words the night before, “Darling and dearest and funny and powerful and empathetic and precious and desirable, that you don’t want anything else here.”

The want, the yearning, the confusion, the need, the ache, the love.

“If you can tell me that it’s all on me, then maybe – one day – I could try to work this out. Maybe I could try to be what we used to be. Tell me,” she demanded, nearly begging at this point. Because she just had to know.

And she honestly had no idea what she was expecting from Sarah, in that moment. She had no idea what Sarah was going to say or if she would let Tally down gently or become withdrawn or – please, Goddess – respond in kind.

Sarah had always responded in those ways, in Tally’s frame of reference. After they’d gotten closer, at Yule, Sarah had been coolly withdrawn. After their kiss, she’d been soft and almost sweet in her rejection.

She expected those things from Sarah.

She did not expect the utter passion that flashed across Sarah’s face or the way it burned in her words, “For everything I am to you, I am not a liar. So, I can’t tell you that,” and there was such a pain in those words, Tally could hear it. She didn’t understand it, but she heard it.

“Why, then? If it’s not all in my head, if there could be something here, then why–”

“Because this,” Sarah gestured between the two of them, cutting Tally off with a desperation she’d never seen from her before, “Would only end in heartache. Don’t you see that?”

Tally’s head absolutely spun.

“Heartache? How can…?” How can you know that? How can you look into what we have between us and only see the negative part coming to fruition when we are already so much more?

It was as though she’d let out a caged beast, in the way Sarah moved, now. The way she huffed out a breath, and started pacing shortly back and forth; the way she moved was powerful but restrained, and Tally couldn’t look away if she tried. Because she had to know. She had to know everything that Sarah was thinking, everything she wanted to say but had clearly held back.

She needed it.

“You do not understand, Tally. I have been through… similar things,” she nailed Tally with a look, “before. I have lived for so many lifetimes, experienced relationships of all kinds, and what you want? It does not work out; it cannot work out. Not with me. Because, this?” She gestured around both of them, around her quarters, down at her own uniform. “This is my life.”

“I know,” Tally edged in, shaking her head, indignant herself. “What do you think I don’t understand in that?”

Of course Tally knew that. Because even though she was just Sarah to Tally now, there could be no mistaking who exactly Sarah was, how they’d come to be in this position in the first place.

Sarah only continued, arching a sharp look at her. “Waking early even on Beltane, on weekends, having last-minute meetings with bureaucracy all over the world that can take days or weeks, biddies who are constantly aware of us and always a presence, Fort Salem, this military, our people?” Sarah listed, without a single pause, like these were things constantly on her mind. And, Tally thought, they very likely were. “This is my life. It is the only life I’ve known, the only life I’ve built, and the way it will continue to be in any future I’ve ever been able to see. Think about that, in terms of your life.”

Ice blue eyes searched Tally’s own, beseeching. An openness in them, a pleading for Tally to understand, and it leeched into her tone as she continued, “If you would like to take your weeks of leave and tour Europe, or go on a tropical vacation? If you’d like to – to purchase a home off-base and make your life there? If you want to have children to continue your line?” Sarah rolled her lips, her conflict written all over her face, her voice nearly shaking with the emotion she carried. Her voice sharp but not cutting. “Do you ever think about that, when you entertain any thoughts about a future, a relationship, with me?”

The thing was… Tally hadn’t really thought of it in that way. She hadn’t, not really, and she inhaled sharply at the thought.

Sarah nodded shortly. Sadly. “It is one thing to be my friend. It is another to live this life. Something, truthfully, no one would choose, once knowing all it entails.”

It was the no one that caught on Tally’s mind, though, as she stared up at Sarah, her heart in her throat.

“You’ve never been through it with me. You’ve tried to go down this road and had it end in heartache with others. I’m not anyone else, Sarah,” her own voice burned with that distinction.

“No,” Sarah breathed out, the sharpness totally gone, as she slowed her pacing to stand right in front of Tally. Almost close enough for her to feel her warmth, and just close enough to be able to inhale her scent. Just close enough for Tally to long to lean in even closer, close enough to close the gap entirely. “What I have with you is different. Deeper, stronger, and better, in just about every way.”

It was the way Sarah reached out, slowly, as if she wasn’t sure she should, to stroke over Tally’s cheek, then her jaw, that mixed with her words and slid into Tally’s veins, letting the tenseness that had taken her over melt, just a bit.

“Then why are you resisting this so much?” She asked, turning just a bit into Sarah’s touch, wanting to feel all of it. “If you think that–”

“It is because of that,” Sarah cut her off, shaking her head, stroking her thumb up and over Tally’s dimple. Something she did on numerous occasions, a tenderness in her touch that seemed at odds with what she was saying, “I find myself even more insistent that we do not change what we have.”

And honestly, Tally wasn’t sure she had ever had a more confusing conversation, as she reeled back. It was too confusing to experience that touch while hearing those words. “What? That makes no sense.”

Sarah’s hand dropped back to her side. “I have never experienced a relationship like this, Tally. Like what I have, with you. You see me, in ways not even my biddies are able to. I do not want to jeopardize that, when it is so much more than enough.”

That word was what stopped Tally’s swirling thoughts, though. That single word. Enough.

“Enough?” She couldn’t wrap her mind around it, because – yes, she loved the nights they spent together. She did.

She loved every time she made Sarah laugh – like really laugh, the way blue eyes widened like she was surprised by it before it rumbled out of her chest. She loved every time Sarah looked at her with that utter concentration as she listened to her – the concentration of military precision, borne of the woman who had given the deepest thought to some of history’s most complicated situations – like she was the only person left in the entire fucking world.

She loved how Sarah opened up to her – at first in bits and starts, and then so freely. She loved seeing her in a crowded room on base – the way they locked eyes when someone said something ridiculous that echoed through the mess hall, or the way Sarah’s would narrow just the slightest bit, as if she wanted to smile to acknowledge Tally, but kept it under wraps. She loved how Sarah portrayed herself to the outside world – her words and actions, her whole persona, appearing nearly cold to just about anyone else – but Tally saw underneath.

But it still wasn’t enough.

“I want you. I love this, what we have here. You’re so interesting and caring and funny and so, so brilliant, and you let me see it all, and I love that. But I want more, because – it’s never enough,” she had to swallow thickly, through the tightness in her throat, through the prickling of tears against the backs of her eyes, because there was no stopping the confession crawling out of her. “The night I kissed you, you said that I deserve everything I wanted, and I guess the thing you didn’t really consider, was that what I want more than anything, is you.”

She hastily reached up, wiping the tears from her eyes and she didn’t miss the hitch of Sarah’s breath.

“And I don’t just mean sex – which,” she blew out a breathless, wonderous laugh, “Was amazing, and I’m not sure how I’m going to go a day without picturing everything I did to you or go another night without reliving everything we did together.” She had to shake her head at least trying to clear it from her mind’s eye. “But, what I mean, is… I want you. All of you. I want to combine what we already have with the sex and falling asleep with you and mornings waking up in here, and if we aren’t doing that? I don’t think it’s enough, not at all.”

As she stared at Sarah, she didn’t miss a thing.

And maybe it would be easy to. Maybe for someone who didn’t know Sarah as well as she did or maybe even for Tally on another day, a day where they hadn’t gotten as close as they could possibly be the night before.

But she could see it. Sarah’s reaction to her words, the tremulous breath she let out, the moisture in her own eyes, the hard clench of her jaw.

Tally stared at Sarah, taking it in, the realizations hitting her all at once. It was as though she’d had on these goggles, these blinders before, that had allowed her to only see her own side of them. That had allowed her to hear Sarah’s words but never see under them.

Because she’d never really believed, truly, that Sarah would or could reciprocate these feelings, but –

“You intercepted me from going to the Reception. You – what you said to me, after Atticus hit on me at the work base. The kiss, I knew you kissed me back. I…” She trailed off, the wonder of it all hitting her, and she blinked widely at Sarah. “This isn’t enough for you, either. Not really.”

“Tally–”

“Don’t deny it, don’t be all noble and talk about how you can’t give me what I’m going to want in the future.” She stepped closer to Sarah again, closer than Sarah had to her the first time, only inches between them. Challenging and imploring both at once. “I’m not whipping out my handfasting cord just yet. I just want a chance to be with you – to really be with you, and you’ve shut it down out of some big idea that you have to be concerned with what will happen to me in some distant future that we don’t even know! You’ve been shutting me out, not willing to go down this road, all in the name of protecting my heart–”

“And why are you so certain that it is your heart I’m so desperately protecting?” Sarah’s words were so soft, but they were more than enough to cut through everything Tally was feeling, everything she was thinking.

And the rest of her words, whatever they might have been, fell back down her throat, as she stared up at Sarah, mouth open, eyebrows furrowed, because… what…

Sarah stared down at her, eyes bright and unyielding and brimming with emotion. It rippled into her voice, “I am not being noble right now. Not entirely. Somehow, I think it might be easier if that that was the case. Because, it isn’t you, who I am warning for future heartache.”

Tally’s mouth fell open, the question forming on her lips, but she didn’t have to even ask, before Sarah confessed.

“I will be the one, Tally, whose heart will be shattered.”

Still shocked, Tally could only stare up at her.

“I thought – apparently, quite mistakenly – that I shut this part of myself, of my heart, off. That this was how it should be. Simple. That I was made to live the life I’d been given, and I had long made peace with that.” That look, that conflicted, nearly tortured look Tally had seen but never understood crossed over her face. “But you barged into my office and demanded my truths without it feeling like a demand. You, with your brilliant, sharp, honest, and truthful mind, have slipped past my defences and now, with you, I am… utterly open.”

There was a happiness there with the pain on Sarah’s face, something that stole Tally’s breath even though she wasn’t feeling it herself.

“And what happens to my heart, when you realize there are sacrifices to be made to be with me? If you, though young and headstrong now, realize that there is someone more appropriate for your desires in life, who can give you things I am not sure I can?”

Tally was already shaking her head, because – she knew herself. But even before she could protest, Sarah continued.

“And what happens to my heart,” there was so little control in her tone, usually so controlled and measured, now low and trembling, “When you age, beautifully and naturally, and there comes a day you are no longer here? The idea of it, even now, while you are so young, with an entire life to live, it–” Sarah pressed her lips together, closing her eyes tightly for a few seconds, before they opened again, searching Tally’s. At the same time, she lifted her hands, stroking her fingers from Tally’s temples down to her jaw as if to ensure to herself that what image she’d had was not real.

“If I give into this, into the rapture of us, how would I…” She swallowed hard, shaking her head. “I have lost so many people. Every person, and I will continue to, for as long as the Mother will see me fit to continue on this earth. And it hurts, in spite of the walls I have built, but I have built them. Some of those losses nearly destroyed me, and all of them are why I am the way that I am. If I had you, in the closest and most intimate of ways, only to face the inevitable loss of you after your Goddess-willing long and precious natural life–”

Sarah broke off, pursing her lips, as she stroked her fingers reverently down Tally’s neck, holding her there so gently. Like Tally was truly precious in her hands, her thumbs so softly resting over Tally’s pulse.

And she could only breathe with Sarah in those moments, staring up at her and feeling the same thing Sarah was feeling. All of the emotions and the hesitation and for the first time, truly understanding it. Understanding her fear and her doubts and the depth of what Sarah felt for her.

She could feel it, in the touch Sarah used on her, in the way she looked at her.

And she had no words to say back, her own ragged breathing filling the room with Sarah’s, her hands tentatively coming up to cup the outside of Sarah’s.

The moment lasted not nearly long enough for Tally to be able to understand or process, before Sarah clamped her eyes closed and pursed her lips, several moments before there was a knock on the door.

“The biddies,” she grit out, before sighing heavily, as if this conversation took more out of her than a ten mile run. And maybe it had; Tally certainly felt wrung out, herself. “They have been telling me for several minutes that our transportation to D.C. is waiting. President Wade has called. And I’ve missed the conference call with Bellweather and Chen.”

Her words mixed with the feeling of her touch slowly falling away from Tally was just enough to let reality set back in.

“Right. I – sorry for…” she wasn’t sorry for this conversation, not really. For as intense and consuming as it was, Tally had needed this. “Making you miss – stuff.”

“I would gladly miss a lot of stuff, for you,” Sarah murmured. “And I think that this was something we could no longer not discuss.” She arched her eyebrows, giving Tally a look that – in that second – distinctly flashed Tally back to a look Sarah had given her last night.

There was another knock on the door and with the look of frustration that flashed over Sarah’s face, Tally knew that there was a silent conversation happening that she was not a part of.

“I’m afraid I truly have to leave, now.” Sarah’s aggravation seemed to fade as she re-focused on Tally, but there was still that tightness to her voice. “And this? Is the exact nature of what my life entails, of what I’d mentioned,” she gestured at the door, as if to point out the rest of the world that had been waiting on them.

“I get it,” Tally whispered, and for the first time since falling into these huge, complicated, life-altering feelings for Sarah all those months ago, she finally felt like she did see the whole picture.

Sarah’s gaze dipped to Tally’s lips, and the thrill shot through Tally when she realized that she’d seen that look before. Briefly, usually late at night in her office, but… those were looks that she now knew meant Sarah wanted to kiss her. That she was thinking about Tally’s lips.

She instinctively licked hers, her throat feeling dry at the revelation.

And she watched as Sarah followed the motion closely with her eyes, before she squeezed them closed and straightened her shoulders, nodding to herself. “I think – there has been a lot to think about. So, it would likely be wise for us to both do that, while I’m away.”

As much as Tally was someone who, admittedly, ran into situations without entirely thinking them through, she reluctantly nodded. “I guess… maybe you’re rig–”

She didn’t get to finish her sentence, cutting herself off on a squeak, as Sarah cupped her jaw once more and leaned down to press her soft lips against Tally’s cheek.

The kiss lingered, so gently just a presence on her skin, as her heart jumped at it.

“You look lovely this morning,” Sarah whispered against her, and Tally shivered – visibly – at her words.

Before Sarah stepped back, the absence of her body leaving Tally cold. She cleared her throat, adjusting her uniform, as she drew in a deep breath. “I really do hope you will give what I said careful consideration, even if it’s not exactly the conclusion what you wish to come to. I want… I want the best life for you, Tally. From the most unselfish parts of my heart. I so truly do.”

//

It just so happened that Tally, unlike Sarah, was not the general of the military.

And so, she did have the Sunday after Beltane off.

She’d decided that she would take some time to really think about what Sarah had said, because no, Tally hadn’t seen all of what had gone on in Sarah’s mind, before. And she respected Sarah enough to consider her concerns.

She thought about it as she pulled on a pair of cotton training shorts and one of the standard issue black shirts from the bottom drawer of the bureau Sarah had pointed out –

If you would like to take your weeks of leave and tour Europe, or go on a tropical vacation…

She thought about it as she hesitated before reluctantly leaving Sarah’s room at the sight of the jacket Sarah had worn to Beltane, laying over the back of a chair. She took the jacket and folded it over her arm, before taking another long look around the room, as if she hadn’t already committed it to memory.

If you’d like to – to purchase a home off-base and make your life there?

She thought about it as she shut the outer door to Sarah’s quarters and started back across the base, toward her own room. The morning sun shined down differently on her, she swore it, as she passed by the other soldiers, some of whom arched their eyebrows at her or gave her sly grins or wide, imploring looks.

Okay…

If you want to have children to continue your line?

She nearly jumped when both Abigail and Raelle essentially accosted her, just as she shut the door to their room behind her.

“You spent the night with Alder?!” Both of them shouted in unison, both of them hopping up from where they sat.

The feeling that slid through her at their recognition of what exactly she’d done last night was hard to describe. Giddy, smug, satisfied, and still with racing thoughts, contemplating everything Sarah had said.

Still, she could only smile brightly at them, nodding– as if they needed the confirmation.

“Shut the fuck up. I saw it happen, but I still can’t even wrap my head around it,” Abigail shook her head, nearly in wonder. “Look, I know I have a lot to say on this topic but. If Alder ended the Reel with you and not the Witchfather… that’s, like, serious business. That’s never happened before.”

“Yeah, it’s…” she blew out a deep breath at the wide array of overwhelming feelings that moved through her. “It’s crazy, right?”

“Not really,” Raelle said, a thoughtful tone matching her slow shrug.

Both Tally and Abigail whipped around to stare at her, and she held her hands up. “Look, I don’t subscribe to the Reel or whatever, but it’s clear there’s been something going on here, for the last year, basically. Ever since the Tarim.”

“You – tried to have me get over it,” she pointed out, still hearing Sarah’s commentary in her head.

“Well, yeah, because you said you couldn’t do it anymore, and you’re my priority in this, Tal,” Raelle reached out to squeeze her hand. “But I just want you to be happy, and if Alder feels the way you feel, then, that’s it. Right?”

“It’s still weird, but she isn’t wrong,” Abigail weighed with a sigh. “I can only try to show you other directions so many times. And… it… doesn’t shock me that Alder is in this. I mean, the fact that she even let you come to her office like that in the first place? Yeah, that is not normal.”

Tally had more to discuss – she wanted to discuss it all with them, with the two people who she felt like were her family – but before she could delve into it, there was a knock on their door, the one she was leaning on.

She startled forward, and the three of them pulled it open, shoulder-to-shoulder.

M stood with their hands behind their back, giving them all a look of alarm. “Why were you all standing at the door, ready to answer?”

“No reason,” they chorused.

“… all right,” they drawled. “Orders just came down from Lieutenant Chen. We’ll be leaving on our mission tonight instead of Tuesday. Well, technically early tomorrow. Meet out near the main entrance at oh-one hundred.”

And so, maybe Tally didn’t have the day so clear as she’d previously thought.

But it was in that moment, as M turned and walked away, and Raelle and Abigail fell into talking about getting ready for their mission that everything settled inside of her, and it felt even clearer than ever before.

She understood Sarah’s concerns. She understood all of them. But at the end of the day, to her, it was much simpler than all of that.

//

Here was the thing, about Tally Craven.

If you asked her mom, she was stubborn.

If you asked Abigail and Raelle, they would say she had a one-track mind.

If you asked her, she would tell you the truth –

She knew what she wanted and she wasn’t afraid to get it.

And what she wanted… was Sarah Alder.

It was how she wound up in Sarah’s office that night, hoping Sarah would arrive back from her mission – she should – before Tally had to leave on her own.

She was honestly shocked that she was even able to get into Sarah’s office, honestly. She’d come by around midnight, hoping Sarah would be back. She hadn’t been, but her office had opened for Tally, anyway.

She’d thought it would be silly to try to enter and entirely fruitless, but the doorknob twisted so easily as soon as her hand landed on it, she could feel the lock shifting against her palm. The Work – Sarah’s Work – recognized hers and just – opened.

And, unthinkingly, it was the first thing out of her mouth when Sarah returned an hour later. “Your wards don’t keep me out of here anymore.”

The words shot out as soon as the door to Sarah’s office opened, Tally spinning to face Sarah.

“Tally,” Sarah came to an uncharacteristically stumbling to a stop, her biddies stumbling to one just behind her, just as she entered the doorway. “You’re in my office.”

Tally quickly stood up from where she’d been sitting back against Sarah’s desk – against the spot Sarah had pushed her against when they’d kissed – tangling her fingers in front of her, as she took a deep breath. And then released it slowly, looking Sarah over. Still in full uniform, she’d undone the top button likely on her way back to her office. In the way that informed Tally that she’d had a long day, that she was looking forward to relaxing in privacy.

 She looked tired, yes, but in this moment she mostly looked surprised.

“Yeah, I came to see if you’d be back, and I didn’t think I’d be able to get in, but…” she gestured to the door, still stunned.

Sarah cleared her throat, cheeks flushing ever so slightly, even as the biddies snickered behind her. “Yes, well. I figured what was the point of attempting to keep you out when you so adamantly make it a point to barge in, anyway?”

She shot the biddies a pointed look, though none of them clearly took it personally, as they filed past Sarah and moved toward the room leading to their quarters, clearly given a silent dismissal.

“I hope you had a good day!” Tally called to them, as they dispersed.

“We had a long day,” Sarah corrected, idly unbuttoning the rest of her uniform.

Tally watched Sarah’s fingers work easily over the buttons, so easily recalling how those skilled fingers worked over her just last night. And –

“I wanted to take you on a date,” she blurted out, nervously, cringing at herself with the delivery. “That’s, um, that’s why I’m here.”

Sarah’s fingers froze with one button left, blue eyes staring her down with laser-sharp precision where she stood. “Tally… what? It’s after midnight, after a very long day, and you yourself are leaving for a mission–”

“No, yeah, I know,” she leapt forward, worried that she was already about to mess up what she had to say, but there was no way she was turning back. “That’s why, the date is just this,” she gestured around them.

“This is… simply my office,” Sarah surmised quietly after looking around closely, and not finding anything amiss.

The grin flashed across Tally’s face, as she nodded. “Yeah. It is. Because,” her teeth dug into her bottom lip, just enough to hurt with the nerves that splashed through her, but then… settled, with the knowledge of what she had to do. To say. With the knowledge that this was right.

“Sarah, this is all I’m asking you for.” She walked closer to where Sarah stood, gesturing around them. “I get it. I get that you’re worried about the fact that this is the majority of your life, but the thing is – I fell in love with you on nights, in here.”

She looked around, herself. And in every corner, only read comfort and familiarity, a space she never wanted to leave. “I fell in love with the fire burning, while we were just spending time together after a long day. I’m not some silly, naïve woman who thinks that love is in the big moments, and – honestly, maybe I was, before. But this? Taught me love is in all of the small moments. Playing chess and talking about life and philosophy and war and memories. Laughing with you, drinking the occasional glass of wine, and living for moments of small touches. That’s what I want, for my future. All of those things, with you.”

She drew up, so close to Sarah, but stopping just short of touching her. Ignoring how she felt so magnetized to her.

Sarah’s gaze searched hers, a look of yearning mixed with disagreement both so clearly on her face that belayed her feelings. But it was that yearning, the fact that Sarah did want this, that bolstered Tally. That settled right under her heart, giving her all of the courage she needed.

“Don’t you get it?” Tally challenged, swallowing thickly, as she stared up at Sarah. “You’re forgetting something, in these conversations, Sarah. And it’s a little insulting, honestly, considering how many times we’ve spoken about it.”

Tally could see the utter bafflement on Sarah’s face even before she asked, “Excuse me?”

“You’re forgetting that I chose this life. Unlike almost everyone else here? Everyone who was forced either by conscription or raised with the notion that this was the only future. I went against what my mother planned for me since I was born, against what my entire community believes in. Because long before I knew you, I knew this was meant to be my life.”

The rightness of it, of being here, of being in this witches’ place, but also, as she stared at Sarah, in this witch’s place… it was so right. She knew it, intrinsically, in her soul. This was where she belonged.

She only needed Sarah to see it, now.

“I’m going to have my own meetings and my own missions,” she gestured to herself – in full uniform, ready to leave shortly. “And my own times away from this base, where I’m busy. I’ll have to deal with superiors and bureaucracy and agreeing to go to that next Reception, under duress from the Imperatrix, the night I’m due back, out of duty,” she rolled her eyes at her very real life example, but it made her point. “I’m going to be living my life doing all of these things, just like you will be. Maybe I’m not at your station, but this is still my life, too. And it’s one I’m not walking away from. Not ever.”

There was a fire in those words; it was the same fire that brought her here in the first place. It was something that burned inside of Tally, with or without Sarah’s influence. It was what had occurred to her, as M had walked away after giving them their orders.

That maybe she wasn’t being ordered to D.C. to see the president, maybe her stakes weren’t as high as Sarah’s. But she was still a soldier, just the same. Their circumstances were the same, and so – how could that ever stop them?

“I’ve thought about everything you said, I have,” she nodded, searching Sarah’s gaze with her own.

“I can’t tell you I will never want to take a vacation on my leave. But if I do and you can’t come, I’ll make Raelle go,” she shrugged, because… it was that easy. “And I can’t promise I’ll never want children of my own,” especially because Tally really thought she very well might want them, one day. “But my mom had me without being partnered with a man, and I’ve always admired that.” Because, it was that easy; it could be. “These are things that we don’t have to settle right now, right when we’re just starting out. But they are possible to figure out, in the future. It’s possible – we are possible, even with your concerns about the future.”

It all only left her with one thing. Sarah’s final, and biggest fear, and Tally’s heart absolutely pounded in her chest, as she recalled Sarah’s words from this morning. As she took in Sarah’s frozen body language, so clearly not having expected this, but she didn’t miss the tremble in Sarah’s breath or the way she pursed her lips after, as if to mask it.

Her voice was unintentionally impossibly gentle as she murmured, “And, I wish I had an answer for what you can do when I’m gone. I don’t,” she admittedly, helpless to the truth. “I don’t know what to say, to tell you how you could miss me, less. How to make it hurt, less.”

She had to swallow hard at just the thought, especially as Sarah broke their eye contact for the first time, closing her eyes tightly.

This was the thing that hurt the most. Because, on one level, she understood where Sarah was coming from; to think of what she would feel, if Sarah died? If she died and Tally had to continue on living without her for years and years? The hypothetical made her ache, made her feel like a hole was carved right into her.

And then she had to acknowledge that it must be worse for Sarah. Who had lost everyone, already, and would continue on for decades. Centuries. And for Sarah, it wasn’t really a hypothetical at all. It was a very real and very likely inevitability that she would outlive Tally.

She had to swallow again before she reached out and took Sarah’s hands in her own. Goddess, she loved the feeling of them. She wanted these hands – to hold them, to feel Sarah touch her with them in both the most innocent and most debauched of ways.  

“All I do know, is that I hope you won’t let it really stop you from being with me. Because the truth is, that’s just life, isn’t it? Even if you weren’t the immortal General Sarah Alder,” she laughed, nearly in disbelief that she was even having this conversation with the very woman, “that would still be a possibility. In every relationship, that’s a possibility. Especially in our life.”

It was the only conclusion she’d been able to figure out, on this. But she thought it was a good one, because it was true. Painfully, terrifyingly true.

“So, yes, you’ll probably outlive me. But – on the mission on the Tarim? You could have died, then. Before me.” Yeah, the thought of that was like a punch right to the stomach. It had been difficult to cope with the idea of Sarah dying even back then, in the moment when she’d seen Sarah age with the death of her biddy. It was another thing entirely to imagine it now. She pushed on, flexing her fingers around Sarah’s and drawing strength there. “And I could die on this next mission, that I’m leaving for in five minutes.”

“Don’t you dare say that,” Sarah cut in, her voice a command, a rebuke, and so clearly hurting at the idea of Tally’s statement, all at once. She squeezed her strong fingers around Tally’s with the intense look she gave her.

Still, Tally shook her head, insistent. “It’s true, though. It could be any mission. Maybe the next one. Or the one after that, or the one after that. We’re soldiers. It could happen to us at any time–”

“Do you think that’s not something I already think about? That it’s not something that has kept me up at night?” Sarah interjected, pain written all over her voice, so sharp, so wounded. “Believe me, Tally, that is far too often in my thoughts.”

She slipped one of her hands out of Tally’s, drawing it up, lightly over her uniform, before she cupped Tally’s cheek so tenderly. “When you were med-flighted back to the base a few months ago, I wasn’t just scared. I was petrified,” the word slipped out of her in barely more than a whisper, so different anything else Tally had ever heard her say before.

“Loss on missions is inevitable, yes. And the news…” Sarah shook her head, closing her eyes briefly. “It is never an easy call to make or to receive, but I have long gotten used to it.” When she opened her eyes again, ducking down to look right into Tally’s, the intensity in them stole her breath. “That call? About you–” She cut herself off, biting at the inside of her cheek, before she admitted, “When I walked into the infirmary, I didn’t feel the ground beneath my feet, when I saw how much blood you’d lost.”

Sarah disentangled their other hands, then, pulling back from Tally and leaving her so cold.

“That was when I truly realized the fragility of what this is. Of how – how I did not know how I would cope, when that happens. And I… I’ve never been so frightened of losing someone in my life,” she admitted.

And even though she hated to be the cause of that pain and fear she saw on Sarah’s face, it simultaneously made her feel… loved. Cherished and cared for, in a way she wasn’t sure could be replicated by anyone else.

She didn’t want it to be.

“Then don’t lose me,” she said, simply. “Have me while I’m here, because – I’m yours. That’s the truth.” She wrapped her arms around herself to preserve that sense of Sarah being so close. “I’m yours to have, for as long as you want me.”

She shuddered out a long, deep breath with those final words put between them. With herself on offer.

“I have to leave. But, I’ve thought about it, Sarah. About everything you said. And I still want us. So now, while I’m gone? It’s your turn.”

And even though she was already a minute late, she stood just where she stood for another long moment, holding Sarah’s gaze with her own.

Drawing her eyes slowly down Sarah’s face, and landing – inevitably – on her lips.

She couldn’t care less about being a minute late, when she had to do this before she went. It had only been a day without Sarah’s mouth on hers, but after last night, she felt like a day was far too long.

She took the two steps forward, her body colliding with Sarah’s as she reached up to wrap her arms around Sarah’s neck, pulling her down at the same time she pushed onto her tiptoes.

She sighed into Sarah’s mouth the moment their lips slid against one another’s, both an easy relief and a wanting heat mingling inside of her at the feeling. There was nothing like Sarah’s soft lips against her, she knew there was no one else that could feel like this. That could cause this delirious want.

Sarah brought one hand up to squeeze Tally’s waist – her hand so warm even through Tally’s uniform jacket, the other moving to sit against Tally’s collarbone, just resting there, and she knew Sarah had to be able to feel the pounding of her heart. Maybe that’s why she’d put her hand there in the first place.

The kiss was somehow both hungry and soft, the delicious dichotomy of Sarah Alder.

And all too soon, Tally broke from the kiss, though, she didn’t move. She couldn’t. Not really. She stayed close, breathing the same warm air as she nuzzled her nose into Sarah’s as she whispered, “In case you decide that you can’t… I needed this one more time,” she whispered, closing her eyes and breathing Sarah in, like this.

Just in case.

Reluctantly – five minutes late, now – Tally pulled back. She stared up at Sarah, adjusting her uniform, as she said with certainty, “This could be life, Sarah. If you wanted it. You could have me waiting when you came back from your meetings. And we could have a real goodbye when I have to leave for mine.”

She took a determined step toward the door. All she could hope for now, was that Sarah felt the same certainty in that kiss that she did.

//

She hardly had enough time to think over the next few days – their main objective was to observe and surveil a potential Camarilla base that they’d learned was potentially used for recruiting and educating new members, and – depending on what they witnessed and updated orders – to potentially take action.

“This isn’t simply recon,” M informed the coven, hands behind their back as she nodded at them. “This is the highest responsibility mission Sekhmet has been trusted with. And I know we’re capable.”

It was an honor – they were the first coven to be chosen to be sent out into the field during the mission where Tally had been shot with the arrows. And they were now the first to be sent on a real, wholly independent mission. One of the first to find a Camarilla base, at all.

It was a big deal.

And so, Tally tried very hard to not think about Sarah or what could be of their relationship when she got back. She couldn’t mess this up, not for herself or her coven.

… it wasn’t that easy, though.

As she set up one of the surveillance quadrants by herself the first night they arrived – Sarah had showed her how to work the equipment one of the nights after their mission together – she wondered about what Sarah was doing.

She missed her. She felt like their relationship had been changed so diametrically in the last few days, that… she longed for a night of comfort inside of Sarah’s office.

Just the two of them, by the fire – warm, as opposed to how chilly it was, even with her military issue jacket on – as she listened to Sarah’s quiet laughter and felt Sarah’s careful eyes on her as Tally chatted animatedly at her.

Did she miss Tally? Was she thinking about her, too? She wondered if this, that little ache in her chest, was how all soldiers felt when they were gone for days or weeks or months, away from the person they loved.

And the ache turned into a seed of worry at the discomforting thought that… those nights would never be the same again, when she got back. Either they would be even better or they would be – done.

She groaned at herself, nearly jumping at Raelle’s voice coming through her earpiece, “You okay over there, Tal?”

“Fine,” she whispered, shaking her head, as she finished putting together the device. “Just… fine.”

And on the second night, of course it was all she could think of.

Because all five of them sat in their makeshift base a mile away from the warehouse they were surveilling, around a fire. She leaned into Abigail, and enjoyed the general feeling of all of this – of the camaraderie. She often felt it with Raelle and Abigail, but nights like these – where M and Gregorio sat across from them, laughing and talking about stories from their first year in Basic – felt like… a different kind of right. Like, Raelle and Abigail were her unit, her sisters, but all five of them together was her coven and they were all doing something important, together, the five of them.

And after M finished telling the story about their first Beltane, which had apparently ended in a polyamorous tryst that was both amazing but confusing, but had also, apparently, ended in the group running naked through the woods in the early morning from a wayward black bear, they shrugged. “But I think I might have shit my metaphorical pants even more if I ended the Reel with General Alder.”

All at once, everyone turned to Tally, both Abigail and Raelle laughing as they nudged her with their elbows.

“I can definitely second that,” Gregorio added.

They asked non-invasive but fascinated questions – did that mean the rumors were true, that Tally and General Alder had late-night hangouts? Did it mean that Tally had actually seen General Alder belly-laugh? – Tally… loved it.

She loved the feeling that these people, her people, knew and wanted to know more. As if she and Sarah were a real couple.

And when she used her Sight, the third night, as she was secured in a position just outside of the warehouse, to detect the three leaders inside, then managed to guide Raelle and Gregorio through the west side of the base and Abigail and M through the east side, she managed to do so with the little tips and techniques Sarah had taught her through their chess nights. It was like using a fine-motor skill.

And when the third Camarilla operative managed to escape, and she took him down herself, she managed to do it with some of the weather Work Sarah herself had taught her. She wrestled him down, feeling both proud and triumphant and – she couldn’t help but hope Sarah would be proud of her, too.

//

And after her many, many thoughts about what was going to happen the next time she saw Sarah, it didn’t account for their actual interaction.

“You are vibrating,” Raelle murmured to her, as their van pulled into the front gate, pressing her hand down on Tally’s thigh, like it would stop her.

“I am not,” she muttered.

“Oh, that’s you? I thought it was the van starting to break down,” Abigail jibed, but there wasn’t even a bite to her tone.

Not after their mission had been so successful.

And, okay, fine, she was vibrating. Not only from the fading adrenaline rush of their mission, but also from nerves tangling with excitement with every minute that passed as they got closer and closer to Fort Salem.

When Sarah had left her to think about their future, it had only been for twelve hours.

This had been – unavoidably – for days.

Torture. Thinking about their kiss, wondering if it was going to be their final one, for better or for worse. Wondering how in the world she would get over Sarah if Sarah decided she really couldn’t take the risk.

And knowing that Sarah had perhaps the most iron of wills, had been forced to cultivate the steadiest, strongest sense of self and set of rules to live by in her years of living…

Well, when Tally thought of it like that, it didn’t seem to matter as much that Sarah loved her the way she knew she did.

The scariest part about this now, somehow, was that it wasn’t a case of if Sarah loved her. It was if she was willing and able to overcome all of the logical reasons why she shouldn’t put that love into practice.

Sometimes, Tally was learning, feelings were the easy part.

It was everything else that could make love hard.

As they climbed out of the van just as the sun was starting to fade into the horizon, she knew she wasn’t the only one surprised to be greeted by their welcoming party.

Many of the upper echelon of command stood in wait for them – granted, also in wait for the Camarilla recruitment operatives they’d secured – and Tally felt that swooping in her stomach of pride, of a job well-done. Of the fact that she’d clearly done something right to serve her people, her community.

That pride mingled with her excitement and her nerves, moving through her veins until it tingled right down to the tips of her fingers, as she accepted a warm smile from Anacostia and General Bellweather.

And Tally caught her breath when it was finally Sarah who stood in front of them.

Dressed in full uniform, all buttoned up and polished, perfect braids in place, the picture of the model General.

And so very different than the way Tally had thought of her in the days she’d been gone – an amalgam of Sarah on their nights together, Sarah on Beltane, and specifically, the way she’d looked after Tally had kissed her just before she’d left.

Her heart skipped a beat, though, because… she loved it, all.

Sarah walked over to the group, her hands behind her back and posture impeccable, as she looked over all of them with esteem. It made Tally’s stomach dip, even though she knew this look could be for any soldier who’d done something well. Though, she was positive Sarah’s eyes lingered on her longer than anyone else’s.

“Sekhmet, you’ve done an exceptional job. You’ve secured and detained some of the first confirmed Camarilla operatives we have to question,” Sarah looked them all down the line they stood in again, and this time, Tally was positive she lingered.

She straightened her spine even more, the smile tugging at her lips even as she tried to remain as serious as the moment seemed to call for.

“Your time at war college has proven you all to be one of the top new field-rated units, and this? Is what being a part of the military will truly start to look like. Very shortly, your time in war college will come to a close; more and more, your learning moments will come from being in the field. The better you perform in the field, the more your titles will reflect it. So,” she arched a look at them, a small smile playing on her lips, “Welcome back to Fort Salem, Corporals Bellweather, Collar, and Craven.”

The thrill and the shock that pushed through her, as she bumped Abigail’s shoulder with her own, unable to hold completely still.

Sarah met all of their gazes head-on, as she moved down the line of them, shaking their hands.

She paused in front of Tally, the end of the line, offering her hand. And, no, it was very far from how she imagined seeing Sarah upon her return.

She imagined either a tearful – on her end – rejection or hoped – desperately – for a kiss of affirmation.

But they stood in front of twenty-plus people, all of whom had their eyes on them. And it reinforced for Tally that this was their life. These were their roles.

And she was mostly fine with that; better than fine. Only, she swallowed hard, as she breathed in Sarah’s scent, what were they? Were they just General and Corporal? Were they… girlfriends? Were they – what would they refer to themselves, should they agree to be together?

Tally didn’t know. She only knew that she desperately wanted to know.

She vaguely registered everyone looking at them in this moment, but mostly she was aware of Sarah’s gaze. The way it held Tally’s own, the same way her hand held Tally’s. All-encompassing.

Similar to a handshake, the grip was the same. But there was no motion between them, no actual shaking. It was merely a hold, their palms pressed together between their bodies, as Sarah murmured, “Congratulations, Corporal Craven.”

“Say that five times fast,” she breathed back on a laugh, before cringing at herself.

A romantic declaration to Sarah days ago, waiting on baited breath to know what she was going to do next, and that’s what comes out of her mouth?!

Sarah only smiled – her real smile – though, for just a flash. Just quick enough that Tally caught it. And, that was it.

There was no other indication about what she wanted – did she want Tally? What had she been thinking? Was it all too much? – before she turned to address Colonel Domasque about where to take the Camarilla operatives.

So, yeah, not exactly the reunion Tally had hoped for, with the anticipation and anxiety still jangling in her nerves, twisting uncomfortably in her stomach.

Only to realize as Sarah turned away from her, that in place of Sarah’s hand in Tally’s own, was an envelope.

//

The envelope burned a hole in the pocket she’d slipped it into, before being pulled away to fill out her requisite mission paperwork.

Her hands were shaking by the time she found enough privacy to read it.

A rejection letter? No, that wasn’t a thing. Was it?

What the hell did Tally know? Unlike Sarah, she’d never done this before.

A small, crisply folded paper fell into her hands as she turned the corner in the admin building, leaning against the wall. The butterflies in her stomach were positively super-sonic as she recognized Sarah’s elegant scrawl, that read simply –

Tally –

Meet me in the clearing I used to find singular solace in, but now, I’ve come to think of as ours.

Sarah

Oh. Oh?!

Tally was already moving before she tucked it back into her pocket, and stood there in that hall, her blood rushing through her ears for a moment. This was it.

And it sounded like good news, right?

Barely stopping herself from breaking into a run before she reached the woods, she almost missed the next envelope perched at the base of the large oak tree that marked a right turn on the path.

Corporal Tally Mae Craven –

In my time, the greatest of romances were documented in writing. In fact, those involved in courtships were encouraged to write to one another, to write out their feelings for one another – in order to first know each other better, but then because often times, the truest of lovely thoughts reveal themselves through writing.

I do, of course, realize that times have changed, since my youth.

But, in fairness, I was never able to experience that aspect of youth.

My younger years are forever marked in tragedy and upheaval, fleeing from persecution, the abrupt, scarring loss of my parents, followed so quickly by the life-altering death of my sister. Immediately followed by the formation of the very lifestyle we live in, now.

The years following… I almost wish I could say they were a blur. Some moments are, undeniably. But many of life’s moments are vividly burned into my brain. Even in the positive memories, though, I did not often take the time to reminisce in them. You see, even in the positive memories, I would be reminded that – those people who caused that laughter are gone, now, too. That time is an era gone, and I, a lone living preservation.

Who, after all, can you reminisce with, when you are the only one left?

But you, Tally… you gave that to me.

Someone interested in my life, in wanting to know about my experiences, the people I’ve known, the good and the bad – and not for the purpose of reliving history to put in a book or a painting. But simply for the purpose of wanting to acknowledge and live in these moments in time. For the purpose of wanting to know… me.

You gave me an enjoyment of reliving my own life, again.

An enjoyment of someone wanting to share myself with, on an intimate level.

It is something wonderfully unique to you, this unselfishness you possess. This unabashed curiosity and seeking of answers in the world and the people around you, that I am not quite sure you understand as special. But it is. You are.

What’s more than you wanting to know me? Than sparking an interest in my own life, for the first time in centuries?

You managed to imbue me with the insatiable need to know you, right back. That… is unprecedented, you see. As you well know, I have known many people in my years on this earth, and so many people… blend together.

I do not know many people’s life stories and I apologize if it is harsh for me to say so, but I do not often care to know, either.

But when it comes to you… within weeks of you truly entering my life, I could not help but need to know everything that made you the woman you are.

It was different, then, to hear you speak of your life experiences. Instead of dull or bland, I found myself riveted listening to your tales of first crushes and learning to properly grow avocados and what it was to live on the compound and your relationship with your mother.

For the first time in my memory, in knowing you my life started to feel… different.

General Sarah Alder

Her heart was already pounding in her throat, stomach erupting in those butterflies all over again, as she stumbled to a stop to read. And then to another stop when she spotted another envelope, perched against another tree, ten feet away.

She ran to it.

Dearest Tally,

I hadn’t realized until knowing you, how monotonous so many of my days had become.

I would never describe my life as boring, and to this day, I still would not. Very much the opposite in fact, especially when looking at my life as a whole. But even day-to-day, there are often events or updates that occur that keep me on my toes.

Life is not boring. But it is so often – these days – very rote. So often, my days consist less of missions and fieldwork and more of paperwork and meetings. Necessary evils, I have come to accept.

You, barging into my office, into my life, broke that monotony.

My evenings were often spent with a glass of whiskey with only paperwork to languish through. Suddenly, with you, I found myself pushing to get through all of my work so that I could put everything aside as soon as possible and focus solely, gloriously, on you.

There are entire days that pass, where what I long for most is the darkness of night, because I know it means I will have the glow of your smile. Sometimes – often times, if I am being honest… and with you, Tally, I find that I am the most honest version of myself – you are the only thing that makes me smile since the night before.

Do you know how utterly confounding it is, to experience this giddiness, this rush of love, for the first time?

In many ways, I have tried to run from it, to diminish its strength, but I am unable to turn away from it. From you.

Most sincerely,
Sarah

Tally was utterly breathless now, and she wasn’t even aware of how fast she was pushing ahead, eyes scouring the woods as she went. And she nearly tripped over her own feel when she saw the next envelope in her haste to retrieve it.

My darling,

From that first night you entered my office, dressed in your pajamas and combat boots, I… I couldn’t turn you away. If you had been any other person, especially a cadet, I would have had you out the door, punishment hot on your heels, for the presumption of speaking to me the way you did and the right you took to being in my private space.

But in truth, my estimation of you evolved from the moment you became my biddy. Yes, you became a part of me, intimately entwined with my thoughts, my feelings, my memories. This is true. But this is true of all of my biddies.

What stood out, in that moment, was that you were earnest and fearless and selfless, in such a moment that… no one else would have reacted the same way. I’ve lived many lives, and I know this. We were not friends at the time; the very night before, you did not even hold me in high esteem. Yet, you offered your life for mine in a manner I’ve never seen. From anyone.

It wasn’t the biological bond that changed my thoughts on you; it was always who you were.

I did feel I owed our nights to you, to help you and I respected you, quite a great deal. But even in the very beginning, I wanted more. More of that refreshing verve that comprises everything you do.

Very quickly, our nights grew into something I could not name.

Then, when I could name it, I was frightened by the power you held over me.

You’d fallen fast asleep on the couch, waiting for me to finish my work. It was the first time you’d gotten a full night of rest, do you remember? I’d walked over to you, kneeling down next to the couch once I’d realized you were sleeping. There was a calm on your beautiful face, that told me you weren’t being haunted by my memories. That there, in my office, with me, you felt peace. It was a satisfaction that slid through me, then.

And when I’d brushed my fingers over your cheek, capturing the lock of hair that had fallen into your face… I’d intended to sweep it behind your ear. Simply, swiftly. But in feeling the softness of your skin under my fingertips, the silk of your hair wrapped around my finger, and the sweetness of your breath as it hit my wrist, I realized – I did not want to move.

I wanted to stay there, with you, as you slept. I want to protect you and ensure nothing happened to you – not merely out of responsibility, but because… I want you, Tally Craven, to always remain safe. I wanted more of that. To touch you, to map your body with my fingertips, to see the look in your eyes as I did so.

I wanted you, by then, with an intensity that I’ve never experienced. And it only grew, with every moment we continued to spend together.

I want you, softly and sweetly, to hold you and ensure the world’s ugliness will not harm you. I want you, with a desire so intent and so carnal, it takes my breath away. You’ve awoken these needs in me, in every way.

I want you, body and soul, in a way I’ve never wanted anyone. I would go to war for you, with you. I would bend to your will in a moment; sometimes I pray you never truly realize the power you have and other times, I pray you see yourself as I do.

Because the reality of it all, is that I have never loved someone in the way I love you. Not in all my years on this earth.

You, Tally Craven, are once in a lifetime. Once in my many lifetimes, to be exact.

Entirely yours,
Sarah

She finished it, clutching this letter to her chest like it was Sarah herself, as she stumbled into the clearing.

The clearing – their place, apparently, and that set off a whole other rush. She wasn’t sure she could really feel this much at once – was lit with candles, a blanket was set out in the middle, with a picnic basket on it. And Sarah herself stood next to it.

Still dressed in her uniform, but in the best way. Jacket undone, hair down – Tally’s favorite, did she know? – and she watched Tally with a look so warm, it might melt everything inside of her. She drank the sight of Sarah in.

“Do you – you mean this? All of this?” She held the letters out, but held them carefully, like they were precious. They were precious. She didn’t have to have Sight to know that she would keep them literally forever.

“Of course I did. Every word.” Sarah frowned, slightly, forehead crinking, taking a step closer. “Do you doubt it?”

“No, I–” a laugh bubbled out of her, totally and completely wondrously blown away. She drew her hand through her hair, messily, just… overwhelmed. “I don’t know anything, right now. I thought… I mean, I hoped you would realize you were willing to take the chance to be with me, but I didn’t think you would write these. Or do all of this,” she gestured out in front of her, knees still feeling weak with it all. “I didn’t even need you to do all of this,” she whispered as Sarah drew ever closer.

Close enough, so Sarah could reach out and rest her hand on Tally’s hip. She swayed into it, resting her own hand on Sarah’s forearm. Gripping, as if to ensure to herself that this was real.

Sarah’s touch was real, though, so real. Steady.

And it was so true, she thought, as she searched Sarah’s eyes with her own. She didn’t need all of this. She didn’t need to be swept off of her feet, because in just normal evenings with Sarah, she felt like she was floating.

But Sarah’s eyes turned to flint at that. Unyielding and intense, as she shook her head. “That is where you are wrong. And, if I am being honest, that is exactly what made me realize how much better I need to treat you, especially in this respect.”

Tally narrowed her eyes in confusion, stroking her hand down so she could hold Sarah’s wrist, feel her warm skin. “What do you mean?”

“You said the night you left, that that was all your were asking me for. Nights in my office, our typical evenings. Those, as date nights,” the wrinkle above Sarah’s nose in utter disgust made Tally laugh, even as she shook her head.

“But, it’s true,” she insisted. “I’m not saying you have to change your life or anything like that, I just want you, the way you are.”

Sarah reached up, using the backs of her fingers to lightly stroke over Tally’s cheek. “And I love that about you. But the truth remains – you deserve more than that. Don’t you recall, darling, that I told you to never settle for anything less than true romance?”

Tally found herself nodding, because that was a conversation she’d always remember. The first time Sarah had called her darling, the first time – her eyes widened in realization – that Sarah had been jealous.

“You were jealous,” the words fell out of her, amazed, as she stared widely up at Sarah.

Who rolled her lips, cheeks blushing ever so slightly. “I… perhaps.”

The smile that worked over her face almost made her cheeks hurt, the raw pleasure of that seeping in. Sarah Alder was jealous, over her, Tally Craven.

“The point is,” Sarah cleared her throat sharply, “That you should never settle for anything less. Not even from me.”

And… all right, even the satisfaction of the jealousy faded at that, melting away into a sweet warmth.

“I may not always be able to give it to you in large gestures; I may not often be able to give it to you, given the nature of my life. But whenever I can, I vow to you, I will show you how much you mean to me.”

“Sarah, I…” there was nothing else she could say, her heart in her throat, and she knew she didn’t have any salva, but she also didn’t know how she was still on the ground when she felt so light.

Sarah, apparently, didn’t need to be told anything else in this moment. “I know I was resistant. But truth is that… I would be a fool, an utter and complete fool, if I did not take advantage of having all of you, for as long as I possibly can,” her voice was so tender, it pulled right at Tally’s heart. “Because at the root of it all… it is too late for anything else. You were right; you could die on any mission – though,” she aimed a sharp look at Tally, as she carded her fingers through Tally’s hair, her scalp tingling at the sensation, “You better not.”

“I’ll try,” she whispered. And goddess, she would try even harder if she knew she could look forward to this.

“Good,” Sarah nodded in satisfaction. “I’ve tried to hold you at some distance, but it’s fruitless. Because my life without you already feels less meaningful. Whether I have you for a year or twenty or fifty… it will never be enough. And life is so fragile, so fleeting; I do not want to miss anymore of yours, by not being together. I–”

Tally couldn’t wait, despite being desperate to know what else Sarah would say.

She was even more desperate to kiss her. To cement what Sarah was saying with the feeling of her lips on Tally’s, the taste of her on Tally’s tongue, the feeling of soft, long, thick dark hair sliding through Tally’s fingers.

She could do this, now. The thought made her nearly delirious with excitement, and she smiled against Sarah’s mouth.

Sarah’s hands on her waist tightened, then relaxed, stroking up to her hips and back down, as she pulled back. She placed light, sweet kisses on the corners of Tally’s lips, before she moved a few inches away, but remained in Tally’s orbit.

“I realize that you are not – what did you call it?” Sarah arched a look at her, the ghost of a smile on her lips. “Whipping out your handfasting cord?”

Tally could only nod, and she wasn’t sure there weren’t stars in her eyes.

“Neither am I, rest assured. I know this is not something you are looking for at the moment, from our many conversations about the Imperatrix.”

The thing was that Tally was pretty sure, in this moment, if Sarah did pull out a handfasting cord, she would have circled it between them and bound them together as one in a second. Right here, in this clearing. Right now.

The lightness in Sarah’s smile fell, her look serious but not ominous. Just – honest. Searching. Clearly needing Tally to see that she was sincere.

“But the truth of the matter, Tally, is that with you, I’m far from objective or casual. If you change your mind about being with me, then,” she let out a shuddering breath, “I would be devastated, but I will always want for your happiness. But I will not be changing my mind. For me, you are… what I have been looking for, even without knowing.”

“You think I’m pulling away from this?” Tally asked in disbelief, before she murmured something that might be the truest thing about her. “You’re what I’ve been moving toward for my whole life.”

//

It was that moment, exactly, where Sarah’s life became their memories, intwined.

.

When she entered her office on midsummer to find Tally waiting for her with the pointed cardboard hat and a bright smile, “I promised no insipid balloons… never anything about the hats.”

Sarah wanted to glare, but she couldn’t help but smile, herself. She tried to bite it back, though, as much as possible. “I will not wear one of them.”

Tally had hopped up to kiss her, and managed to slip the hat on as she did so. She gave Sarah that cheeky grin as she’d pulled back. “Just long enough to take a picture. I want to celebrate every birthday with you. Please.”

And she’d been powerless to say now. That memory was tucked away, cherished. The first birthday in centuries that she wanted to remember.

.

When Tally officially graduated from war college, six months into their relationship, and Sarah congratulated her, just as she did every other graduate. She’d taken Tally’s hand in her own, “You will make a very fine soldier, Corporal Craven.”

“I’ve learned from the very best,” Tally breathed back, her smile ethereal.

Sarah had met those warm, brown eyes and was unable to stop herself from falling into them, despite being in front of everyone’s watching eyes. Their relationship was known, then, throughout the base.

It was the first time she’d allowed herself to duck her head down and press her lips to Tally’s cheek, so close to the softness of her lips, in public.

Tally was a soldier, a true soldier, no longer training in any official capacity. And it was difficult enough to have held herself back for those months. She held the way Tally’s breath caught in her throat, lips right against Sarah’s ear, right there, in the center of her mind, wanting to hold onto it.

.

When she realized that, for the first time in her entire life, she wanted to live with someone… that would forever stay with her. She’d stared at Tally in amazement, as she’d woken up with that thought.

Silken red hair, mussed from sleep, was spread over the pillow Tally had long claimed as her own in the year they’d been together. Her bare shoulder was above the blanket, and Sarah had barely enough control to stop herself from lowering her lips to it.

Tally in her bed was something Sarah never tired of, not since the first time she’d seen it. Tally had returned from a three-week long mission in Spain just the night before, and Sarah had abandoned her paperwork for perhaps the first time ever, wasting no time taking Tally back into her quarters. Where she’d kissed Tally, hard and fast, her hands wandering over her body as if she’d forgotten it in the last three weeks.

It would be an impossibility to forget it, to forget anything about Tally, but, Sarah had been ravenous; it had been the longest she’d ever been without her.

“Should I go–” Tally had broken off into a yawn, pressing her hand over her mouth, adorably, “Back to my bunk?”

“Never,” the word slipped out before Sarah could truly consider it.

But when chocolate brown eyes snapped open, the sleepy look erased, Sarah knew she really had said it. And the truth of it settled inside of her, as she reached up and smoothed that gorgeous hair back.

“I… my bed is simply not the same without you, darling. And I would very much enjoy if you would stay here, when you’re on base.”

Nerves rattled inside of her, and that, too, was something she was still getting used to. The fact that of all of the people in the world, Tally Craven made her nervous. It was truly a first.

“If you’d like your own space, I understand, of course. I–”

Tally cut her off, in that way she had, full, soft sleep-warm lips against Sarah’s own.

“I’ll stay. For however long you want.”

.

When Sarah died, two years into their relationship, in their final battle against the Camarilla, that would forever stay ingrained in her mind.

How she’d kept an eye on Tally during the fight, even though she knew Tally could hold her own. And how she’d seen the second Tally had become a target, the moment they’d realized Tally had the Sight that was directing their strategy.

Sarah moved in that direction without a single thought.

What had happened after… admittedly, was a blur to her. She knew there was pain, a scream that distinctively belonged to Tally, she knew it, and then… there was nothing.

Nothing but herself and the Mother.

But she knew she woke that – well, she woke. Shock ricocheting through her, immediately followed by relief so strong it could have knocked her out all over again, at the sight of Tally resting her head on Sarah’s bed in the infirmary, the feeling of her hand against Sarah’s.

“You’re alive,” she breathed, her voice hoarse.

Tally sat up quickly, eyes wide but clearly elated, “I’m alive?! You’re alive!” She squeezed Sarah’s hand, hard, as if reassuring herself. “You – stupid,” she accused, the smile dropping from her face so quickly, as she narrowed her eyes at Sarah. Eyes that teared up so easily, Tally quickly reaching up to wipe them. “You’re always so focused on what happens to you when I die, that you didn’t think about what happens to me if you die.”

Tally sniffed, wiping her fingers over her eyes again and Sarah could only squeeze her hand in comfort. Because she wouldn’t apologize for sacrificing herself, her safety, for Tally’s. She wouldn’t.

“I would go to war with you. For you,” she intoned, and she’d said it to Tally several times. But she meant it every single one.

“Well, don’t do it again,” Tally whispered, before she leaned down, pressing herself against Sarah in the bed.

And she breathed in deeply, reveling in Tally’s sweet scent, ignoring the soreness in her limbs enough to reach up and hold Tally to her.

Everything felt different, though, as she moved. She was never invulnerable, not even with her biddies. But ever since taking her first biddy, her body had felt… inexplicably different, than it had, before. Different than her natural life.

This… how she felt right now, felt similar to that, she thought.

She’d remember it, of course, as the day she’d died. But she’d always remember it as the day everything changed.  

“You brought me back to life.”

.

“I never thought I would want to handfast, with anyone,” Sarah breathed the words out.

She didn’t fear Tally rejecting them, per-se, but she couldn’t help but feel this tangle of nerves inside of her, anyway.

“I did not believe I was meant for it. How could I be, really, when I would outlive my partner? The truth of it all is that handfasting as it is custom, now – multiple spouses, for limited time engagements… these are inventions of a new world. A modern world. And I appreciate it, for what it is, for all of the freedoms it affords our kind,” she acknowledged, before she cleared her throat.

“But for me, handfasting is not the way of the new world. It is a lifelong commitment, between two people. Between you and I.”

There were many memories she would hold with Tally –

From the moment they met, to the night Tally entered her office. To the evening she’d recognized her feelings, to their first Beltane. To every night she claimed Tally’s delightful body in their bed, the sounds she stole from Tally’s throat a melody just for them, the pleasure she wrought from her that could bring Sarah halfway to the Goddess from the satisfaction of that alone.

To every soft moment they experienced in the mornings where Tally would cuddle in closer to her, breathing out sleepily that Sarah was “warm” to their evenings working, laughing, talking, sharing with one another.

“I have never been excited for a future with another person, before, and perhaps it was because our futures could never align.” She swallowed, staring into Tally’s large, gorgeous eyes, as she cupped her jaw, her own heart brimming with more emotions than she could name as she pressed her thumb into Tally’s dimple. One of her favorite things. “Or perhaps it was because they were never you.”

She would never know, truly.

All she did know was that she never fathomed she would be so happy to live one single lifetime, as she was the moment Tally breathed out, “Yes.”