Chapter Text
As he pressed himself back in the seat, Joker was thrilled, even though he didn't show it on the outside. It was great to finally be in a pilots chair again - it had been far too long. Manipulating the console in front of him, Joker eased the ship away from the station that they had just undocked from. “Course, Commander?”
“Head for the Mass Relay. Once we get there we'll jump to the Hades Gamma cluster.”
He couldn't see the Commander, but Joker knew from the tone of his voice that he was tense. Joker plotted and engaged the course to the relay. “Course laid in and engaged. ETA 15 minutes.”
Joker felt the drive core spin up, engines pushing them in the direction of the relay. He passed the time monitoring the readouts on his console and ensuring they stayed on course, which didn't take much effort given his piloting skill. He was tempted to turn his chair around, to look at the Commander and gauge his reaction to the mission they were embarking upon, but resisted the urge. Joker didn't want his unease about the whole situation known.
Suddenly his console alerted him to an energy spike at the Mass Relay. Looking at the readouts Joker's eyes widened. “Commander, two Batarian cruisers and several frigates just jumped through the Mass Relay.”
Joker felt the presence of the Commander over his shoulder. “What are the Batarians doing way out here?”
“Hell if I know.” Joker replied, “How about you ask nicely...SHIT! They're powering weapons!”
“Joker, take evasive action. Get us to the relay NOW. Tactical, bring the guns to bear and get our barriers up!” Whatever Joker had seen in the Commander before, he certainly wasn't showing it now. The Commander was firmly in control, he had to be for all of them.
Joker steered the ship away from the Batarian fleet as they fired their initial shots. He kept his eyes on the console in front of him, trying to ensure they didn't get blown to bits by the opening salvo. The ship shifted constantly under his guidance, deck creaking and engines whining as he tried to make them a difficult target.
As they closed on the relay, the shots from the enemy fleet kept getting closer despite his fancy maneuvering. “Sanders, I could use a little help here!”
“I know, Joker, I know. Just a bit more–locked on one of the frigates–firing!” She slammed her hand on the panel for emphasis and Joker heard the main guns firing. “Direct hit! Their barriers are down.”
Finally a bit of good news for Joker. “Thanks, Lieutenant.” He barely got the words out of his mouth before the ship shuddered from weapons impact. Dammit.
The Commander held on to Joker's chair to balance himself. “Report!”
“It was a glancing blow, thanks to Joker's piloting. Kinetic barriers holding.”
“Sanders, hit them with the main guns again. Joker, when the HELL are we getting to that relay!?!”
“I'm working on it, Commander,” Joker said through gritted teeth, “but these Batarian bastards aren't making it very easy.”
The main guns fired again, targeting the same frigate as before. Without its barriers to protect it, the slugs tore straight through its hull. Multiple explosions could be seen as the ship disintegrated into a wreck of twisted and molten metal.
As the debris began to clear, Joker saw an opening. “Commander, the loss of that frigate cleared a hole in their lines.” he said, looking back at the Commander.
The Commander paused for a second, looked away at a nearby console, weighing his options. His eyes snapped back to Joker. “Punch us through.”
Joker grinned slightly and turned back to his console. “With pleasure.”
Joker directed the ship at the hole in the fleet, continuing to evade weapons fire as best he could. The ship shuddered with several more hits and Joker heard a console zap and sputter behind him. “We're losing the barriers on the starboard side, sir,” Sanders shouted over the noise of the battle, “and we've taken minor damage to several systems.”
Joker knew he needed to get them through the fleet and to the relay right now. Just a few more seconds, he thought to himself.
They finally cleared the Batarian fleet, but not without the bastards scoring several more hits. Joker heard several explosions below decks, and the power fluctuated. He thought he even heard someone scream, but he wasn't sure. I probably couldn't hear that over Sanders anyways. “Starboard barriers down! We have a hull breach on deck 4, and several fires on decks 3 and 5.”
Despite the chaos around him, the Commander kept his cool. “Sanders, coordinate damage control.”
“Aye, sir.”
The link to the relay lit up on Jokers console as they closed in, and Joker entered the coordinates for their destination. Any moment now and the jump would be initiated. They would be home free.
Just as they were about to jump, the readings on Joker's console spiked again, this time much higher than they did before. “Commander, something is coming through–OH MY GOD.”
Joker froze. Staring at him through the cockpit windows was the stuff of his nightmares, something he thought he would never see again. A Reaper. A real, live, Reaper. His pulse quickened and he felt like the world was closing in on him. Time slowed to a crawl. He was panicking, he was sure of that. There just wasn't anything he could do about it. He heard shouting in the background, but couldn't make it out as he tried to remember to breathe. Are they shouting at him? Joker gasped as a blinding red light enveloped the ship. This is the end, isn't it, he thought to himself, I survive the whole war with these things only to still be brought down by one in the end. Figures.
The light faded away and Joker slowly began to realize that he wasn't dead. The console in front of him was devoid of life, and he couldn't figure out why. How did they survive? He was sure the shot from the Reaper had destroyed the ship. How are they still here? He looked around and realized that everyone was staring at him. The Commander took a step towards him. “Joker, are you alright?”
Joker stared at the Commander but didn't reply. Waves of nausea suddenly overcame him, and he struggled to his feet as best he could, ignoring the protests from his legs. He made it only a few hobbled steps before he collapsed to the deck and threw up all over the floor.
“Joker!” he heard from behind him. The Commander knelt next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to offer some comfort as Joker wiped his mouth with his forearm. “Its alright.”
Joker looked up at the Commander, who was smiling down at him. His embarrassment turned quickly to anger. “No, its not alright, and don't you fucking call me Joker anymore, you have no right. You don't know me.” his voice raising as he continued to speak, ”None of you know me. How in the hell could you do this to me! A fucking Reaper?”
The Commander frowned as Joker straightened his hat and started picking himself off the floor. “Mr. Moreau, that is not a proper way to address your comrades.”
That was enough to send Joker over the precarious edge that he was on. “That is complete BULLSHIT, because you were never were, never have been, and never will be my comrades! This was a giant fucking mistake, you've made me realize it now, I lost my comrades long ago. I am so done with this. You can take this assignment and shove it up your high and mighty ass!”
By this point several people who had been wandering by had stopped to watch the spectacle unfold, and Joker realized that he didn't want to deal with this situation anymore. Partially due to the fact that he didn't want to give them a chance to respond and also to try to recover some of his injured pride, he stormed out of the simulator.
A few of the onlookers were slow to respond to his swift exit – swift by his standards, at least – so Joker simply shoved them out of his path, only caring about getting the hell out of there. “What, is there a zombie posing contest that I didn't hear about? GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!”
Turning the corner, he slumped over to the floor just out of eyesight, struggling to get his breathing under control. No one had followed him, and he appreciated that small favor as he damn well didn't feel like trying to explain himself right now.
How the hell did I get here? What the hell am I doing? Memories came surging back, ones that he had spent months suppressing. All because of that damn Reaper, he thought. Tears welled in his eyes, but he willed himself not to cry. He didn't do that anymore. He had spent too much time crying. His panic attack wasn't just due to memories of the war, what came flooding back reminded him of things he'd been avoiding. People he'd been avoiding.
Suck it up Joker, be a man and face this head on, as you've always done. You've been through a lot worse than this.
He'd been avoiding this for months and he just couldn't anymore. He forced himself to get up and headed out of the training facility into the city, deciding to walk since it wasn't too far and he wanted time to think. His slow, hobbled pace gave him that time – he just hoped that his legs wouldn't make him regret it later.
As he made his way, he couldn't stop thinking about what got him here. Maybe if he'd handled things differently...
X - X - X
Joker rushed into the hospital and moved as fast as he could to the reception desk. The news he'd heard couldn't be true, it just couldn't. He had to see for himself. “WHERE IS HE?!?” He cringed at the near panic in his voice.
The startled nurse looked up at him. “I'm sorry sir, but to whom are you referring?”
Joker bristled. “To whom am I referring? Only the savior of the whole damn galaxy, that's who!”
The nurse stared back in confusion. “Sir, that doesn't help...”
“Listen lady, I don't know who the hell you think you are, but if you don't let me see him right now I'm going to take this brace off and shove it right up your...”
“LIEUTENANT MOREAU!”
Joker winced and turned toward the source of the voice. Upon seeing the uniformed man he immediately saluted. “Admiral Hackett, sir. I was just...”
“...making an extremely poor impression of Alliance military personnel.” the Admiral sternly said, “You will apologize immediately.”
Joker paused, swallowed, and turned to the nurse. “I'm very sorry, miss. I let my emotions cloud my judgment and I treated you unfairly.” That still doesn't make her less of an idiot, he thought to himself.
The Admiral cleared his throat and Joker turned back towards him. “Much better, Lieutenant. Now, if you will follow me I can show you to where he is.” He nodded toward the nurse as Joker walked towards him. Both men headed down the hall toward the elevator.
Once the doors to the elevator had closed, Joker felt the need to apologize. He had a lot of respect for the Admiral – he had led humanity through much of the Reaper war. “I'm sorry sir, I didn't intend to erupt at that nurse, but when I heard the news...” his voice trailing off.
Hackett softened a bit. “I understand, Lieutenant, but we need to keep control over ourselves, especially as the rebuilding continues. You're setting an example, and we want to set the right one.”
“Understood, sir.”
The rest of the elevator ride was in silence, something Joker was thankful for. Once they had arrived, he followed the Admiral through the winding hallways, thinking it odd that there were so few people on this floor.
Noticing his confusion, Hackett offered, “Its for his security and protection. I didn't tell you earlier, but few people even know that he's alive, and we want to keep it that way for now.”
Joker's eyes widened a bit at that last part. I'm one of the few that gets to see him.
They finally arrived at a secure door where they had to present their identification to the guard before they could proceed. Joker couldn't help the fact that he was beginning to feel anxious.
Once through the door they went down a short hallway. Near the end, the Admiral stopped and motioned to a window with his hand. Joker turned to look at what Hackett was pointing toward.
What he saw he wasn't prepared for at all. Lying on the bed was the body of a man he could barely recognize. He couldn't help the gasp that came out of his mouth. Is this truly him?
The body was almost completed covered in blood-soaked bandages, with numerous tubes going in and out. Arms, legs and head immobilized, likely to prevent further injury. Machines surrounded the bed, monitoring and assisting, keeping whatever was lying there alive. Joker squinted and could see the rise and fall of the chest. Oh god, that can't be him. It just can't.
“That's...him?” Joker managed to croak.
Hackett placed a hand on his shoulder, recognizing Jokers obvious discomfort. “Lieutenant, I know what you see looks bad, but its a miracle he's alive. He's a true soldier, that's for sure. He refuses to give up.”
Joker swallowed. “It just doesn't look like...”
The hand squeezed. “It's him, son. Its Colton Shepard.”
Suddenly, Joker felt very dizzy.
“Lieutenant, are you alright? You don't look well.”
The dizziness continued to increase, and Joker felt his vision narrowing. “I don't know, sir. This just...”
“Lieutenant? Lieutenant!” is all Joker heard as he passed out.
X - X - X
Ugh, my head feels like its going to explode.
Joker opened his eyes, immediately squinting due to the assault of the flashing lights they encountered. As his eyes adjusted, the piercing light softened and he was able to open them further, revealing a blinking fuzzy object in front of him. He instinctually brought his hands up to his eyes and rubbed, trying to force things to come into focus. He began to make out various parts of the object, realizing that it was a pilots console. The console was very familiar to him, he just couldn't figure out why.
Suddenly it dawned on him where he was. Why did it take me so long to recognize something so familiar? He'd spent so much time on the Normandy SR-1 it should've been second nature to him.
Something was wrong with the console, most of the screens were covered with warnings. Wait – why am I here?
Joker was filled with horror as he suspected when he was in addition to where. A quick look out the window at the planet that was visible confirmed it – Alchera.
“Joker, its time to go!”
No, it can't be. Turning his head, Joker could make out the form of Colton Shepard in his spacesuit, looking down at him. Glancing just above the Commander, he could see the giant whole in the hull where minutes before there had been solid metal.
“But I can save her!” Did I just say that?
He could see the angry stare back at him – Shepard wasn't having any of it. “Its too late for that Joker, the Normandy is lost. We have to go NOW!”
“Just give me a chance!” Joker whined as Shepard walked over and put his arm around his upper body, pulling him from the seat. Joker resisted, struggling in Shepards grasp, but the other man was too strong. Why do I care? I've been through this before, I know how it ends. Oh god.
As Joker was forced to his feet several explosions rocked the ship and both men struggled to stay standing.
Shepard looked over at Joker, who was physically fine but was obviously hurting over the ship. He tried a different tactic. “Jeff, if we don't go now we may not leave at all.”
Joker couldn't look at him. He knew he was right, he just didn't want to admit it. “Fine, fine. Let's go.”
He took one last look at the failing console and noticed one alarm readout in particular. “Shit! They're coming back around!”
They moved as fast as they could to the escape pod, Shepard helping Joker along to try to increase their pace.
Shepard slammed his hand on the console, opening the door, and pushed Joker inside. As he was being secured by his Commander, the seriousness of the situation finally hit him. “Commander – Cole – hurry the hell up!”
“Now you're in a hurry?” Shepard grinned up at Joker. “Almost got it – there!” The final buckle was in place. Now to get Shepard in here and off the doomed ship.
As Shepard moved to get in the pod, there was a massive explosion behind him, and the floor below him began to collapse. Joker lunged forward, reaching for Shepard's outstretched hand, but he was already too far away. No god no! I can't go through this again…
Time slowed as Joker and Shepard looked into each others eyes. Joker saw fear flash over Shepard's face, but it was quickly replaced with a look of determination. Shepard reached for the panel to launch the escape pod.
“No Shepard! Please! Don't!” The panic and fear in Joker's voice made Shepard flinch, but it didn't deter him.
Shepard's hand slammed into the panel, initiating the launch sequence. “I'm sorry, Jeff.”
As the door was closing, Joker watched in horror as Shepard fell into open space.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! SHEPARD!!!!!!”
X - X - X
Joker's eyes fluttered open and he struggled to figure out where the hell he was. He's on the floor. Great. There were several nurses and a doctor hovering over him. Perfect. Oh, and there's Admiral Hackett. Shit.
He realized that the doctor was speaking to him. “Are you okay, Lieutenant? You gave us quite a scare there.”
“What happened?”
“You passed out, son.” Joker grimaced. He's not this guys son, and he hated being called that. He only allowed the Admiral to call him that because, well, he's the Admiral.
He did a quick mental check to see if he'd broken anything. While there was some pain where there wasn't any before, the levels were below where he knew that he'd broken something. Damn these brittle bones.
Joker tried to get to his feet, but was held down. “I'm fine, dammit. Just let me up.” He knew he wasn't fine, but he wanted off this floor now. The staff knew the same, but didn't question him openly.
Hands released from where they were pinning him and he started to get up. Given his condition it was quite an exercise but he steadfastly refused the offered help. He was embarrassed that he had passed out and was too proud to accept help from anyone – that had always been his way. The Admiral wisely stood on the sidelines, watching things unfold.
Joker turned and looked back through the window at the mangled body of Shepard, one of his closest friends – No – his best friend. A friend he thought he would never see again.
He thought back to the nightmare he had just relived moments ago, the first time that he thought Shepard was dead. It had nearly broken him. He'd never lost someone so close to him before, and didn't know how to deal with it. It took the offer from Miranda, and the discovery that Shepard was in fact alive, to bring him out of his depression.
That became his new normal – Shepard, the crew he recruited and their ship – the bigger, better and badder Normandy SR-2. Joker had hope again.
As they reached the climax of the Reaper war everyone on board knew that survival was unlikely if damn near impossible. So when Shepard activated the Crucible, ensuring the destruction of the Reapers as well as the very station he was on, Joker thought he had lost him again, and for good this time.
The rest of the crew nearly didn't make it out themselves, Joker taking the Normandy SR-2 to FTL just as the shock wave hit. Luckily he was able to (crash) land on a habitable planet, and it wasn't long before the Alliance found and rescued them.
“Where did you find him?” Joker asked softly.
“Surprisingly, near the body of Harbinger. When he activated the Crucible, he must have been transported back down before the explosion.”
What. “Admiral, are you telling me you've had him for weeks?” Joker felt himself seething, and tried to control himself.
“Calm down, Lieutenant. We didn't want to let anyone know because initially we were unsure if he would survive. His injuries were extensive.”
“Can I go in?”
Hackett almost looked sympathetic. “I'm sorry, but his condition isn't stable enough for that.” Oh.
Joker underestimated how much that would hurt. “I'd like to go now, sir.”
“Understood, Lieutenant. I'll have someone escort you out. They will provide contact information that you can use for future visits.”
“Thank you, sir.” Joker turned away, heading down the hallway toward the door.
“Lieutenant.”
Joker stopped and turned to look at the Admiral. “Sir?”
“Tell no one about what you've seen here. I don't have to remind you that Shepard's status is a secret, one that if broken would be considered treason.”
Joker fought the urge to roll his eyes. If he was in charge he wouldn't be hiding this information. Hell, it would give hope to everyone! “Yes, sir.”
X - X - X
Joker received the contact information as the Admiral had promised, even logged it into his computer. But the crushing fact was that he never did anything with it.
He didn't go back. He never visited Shepard again in the hospital. He didn't know why he didn't try to go at first. He started making excuses to himself, pretended he was unavailable when others tried to get him to visit. He was somehow to blame for Shepard being in that situation again, struggling for his life. Why didn't I try harder?
Days turned into weeks and while he kept getting messages on how Shepard was improving, he still didn't go.
Gradually, he convinced himself that Shepard didn't want to see him and was better off without him. Shepard wouldn't feel responsible for the cripple anymore, and he would be able to better look after himself because of it. Joker locked himself away in his apartment and only left when necessary. He barely ate and hardly slept.
Just over two months after Joker last saw Shepard he woke from his induced coma. Dr Chakwas stopped by to give Joker the news, and used that as a thinly veiled reason to check up on him.
“Jeff, you really should go see Shepard now that he's awake. I know he'd really like to see you. Also, you look horrible. You've been taking awful care of yourself.”
“Thanks, Mom. This crap is the last thing I need–OW!–dammit! Who said you could poke me with that thing?” Joker rubbed the shoulder where the Doctor had stuck the needle.
Chakwas glared at Joker as she wandered around the apartment, picking up after him. “I'm trying to give you a boost, since you're obviously incapable of doing it yourself. I'm going to visit Shepard tomorrow, why don't you come with me? Getting out of this apartment would do you some good–Oh my god, when was the last time you cleaned this bathroom!?!”
Joker had to smile at that, if only for a second before a mute expression returned to his face. “No way, Doctor. No way in hell.”
“Have it your way, Jeff. But if you want my opinion...”
“I don't.” He tried to interrupt.
“...you're making a huge mistake, and making a damn fool of yourself on top of it.”
Joker was tired and didn't want to listen to this lecture anymore. “I'd like to be left alone now.”
Chakwas had already decided that she had her fill of Joker and was already on the way to the door as he said that. She turned back and looked at him as she opened the door. “Jeff, please don't go down this path again. You've already done this once and as much as I hate to admit this it kills me to see you going down it again. Take care.”
Joker barely heard the door close as his mind wandered off into its own little world.
X - X - X
Another month went by and the messages continued. Thanks to modern medicine and the Cerberus implants Shepard was recovering quickly.
One day as Joker was sitting on the couch moping as he had been for weeks now, he received another message. As he leaned over toward the console on the table in front of him, the sender caught his eye. Shepard.
He highlighted the message and his finger moved toward the delete button but for some reason he stopped. His finger moved back to the message and clicked on it to open it.
To: Jeff Moreau
From: Colton Shepard
Subject: Hey
Jeff,
I haven't seen you at the hospital and wonder how you're doing. I'm recovering quickly and would really like for you to stop by. You always give me the boost I need.
Hope to see you soon,
Cole
Joker reread the message before deleting it. Bullshit, he thought to himself, I'm not your good luck charm – I'm your bad luck one.
Over the next few weeks Joker received more messages from Shepard but deleted every one as soon as it came in. Eventually they stopped coming. When the messages stopped Joker briefly panicked but quickly told himself that he was doing the right thing.
Joker's leave that Alliance Command had given him ran out and he had to report to the nearest headquarters for reassignment. Given that the rebuilding effort on Earth was the highest priority Joker was assigned what duties he could to assist that effort. He was given a rudimentary piloting job on a standard Alliance transport, ferrying personnel and supplies to where they were needed. He enjoyed flying again, but this assignment just didn't compare to piloting a space ship.
Working was allowing Joker to feel better, to make him forget things he'd rather not remember. He got so caught up in his new assignment that he lost track of the passage of time. It was better that way.
One day, after a particularly long shift, Joker was trying to relax on his couch, ignoring the throbbing in his legs from sitting in the uncomfortable chair in the transport for such a long period of time. The door chimed and Joker jumped in surprise. He wasn't expecting anyone - Chakwas wasn't due for another week. He activated the console on the table and turned on the camera at the door, tensing suddenly at what he saw. Colton Shepard was standing outside his door. He closed the console and decided to just ignore it.
After a few minutes he jumped again as there was pounding on the door. “Jeff, I know you're in there. Chakwas told me everything.” Damn that unscrupulous bitch, she just couldn't keep her nose out of it .
Joker ignored him. It was for the best and he knew it. Apparently Shepard didn't agree as he pounded on the door again, this time with more force. “Dammit, Jeff! What did I do? Why didn't you come see me? Why didn't you at least reply? I thought we were friends...” his voice trailed off, breaking slightly, and Jokers resolve nearly cracked but he stayed fast.
“Fine Jeff, have it your way. I came here to see what is going on but obviously you don't want my help. I need friends that will stand with me, not ones who hide.” The last part made Joker feel like he'd been punched in the gut, but he told himself to stay strong, that this would be better for Shepard.
Joker continued to listen for several more minutes but was only met with silence. He activated camera and confirmed that Shepard had left. He felt relieved but also incredibly guilty. He told himself he could live with that.
After that day flying the transport just didn't feel right to Joker anymore. He wanted to get back out in space again. He was the best damn pilot in the Alliance, he should get whatever ship he wanted!
Joker submitted the request to Admiral Hackett and it was eventually accepted, but not without some persistence on his part. The Admiral did have some requirements, and one of them was to get in some simulator training to ensure his skills were still up to par. Not a problem, I used to complete those simulations in my sleep.
X - X - X
Joker was so lost in thought that he nearly passed the building that was his destination. He pushed the events in the simulator out of his mind and tried to find the courage to walk in the front door, something that was more difficult that he'd expected it to be.
“Get in there, you damn cripple.” he mumbled to himself as he finally walked in the door. He slowly made his way to the elevator, called it and got in when the doors opened. He pressed the button for the correct floor and as it ascended he got increasingly anxious and nervous. His legs were also killing him from the walk and he silently cursed himself for deciding to use them as his mode of transport here.
He arrived at the floor with a chime from the elevator. The doors opened and Joker once again found that he had to force himself to move. He headed down the hallway and glanced at the numbers on the doors until he found the correct one. Standing in front of the door he reached for the doorbell but hesitated just as his finger was about to press the button. What am I doing here? Is this the right decision? I should leave–NO–don't you dare leave, you chicken shit. You've gotten this far.
Joker finally pressed the button, hearing the chime and waited...nothing. He didn't hear anything on the other side of the door. After a minute or two he contemplated on whether he should try again or just leave. Dammit, you're here for a reason. Give it another shot.
He pressed the doorbell again and began the waiting process anew, but this time he thought he heard some shuffling from inside.
“Coming!” Shit. He is home. Some small part of him had wished that Shepard hadn't been.
Joker heard some more sounds, then something along the lines of what he thought was someone tripping, a muffled curse and then the handle to the door handle finally began to turn.
Joker's anxiety and nervousness grew exponentially as the door began to open. Part of him was screaming at him to turn tail and run, but he made himself stay put.
Shepard had obviously been in the shower, as he was still wet. He'd thrown some clothes on to answer the door and was toweling his hair off so he couldn't see Joker yet.
“Sorry, you caught me in the shower...” Shepard trailed off as he finished toweling off his hair and finally looked at the person standing at his door.
“Hey.” is all Joker could muster. There was so much more he wanted to say, but he was nearly trembling and trying to keep himself under control. What the hell is wrong with me?
Shepard stared at Joker, his green eyes boring into his soul. His face turned into a scowl and before Joker could react the door was slammed in his face with rush of air and a loud crack.
Joker stared at the now closed door, not knowing what to do. The realization finally hit him that he'd made a horrible mistake treating Shepard like he did. I've really screwed this up, haven't I.
He leaned forward and put his ear on the door, straining to hear anything. At one point he thought he could hear him on the other side. Joker nearly said something, but immediately thought better of it.
He righted himself and turned, walking back toward the elevator, the guilt regarding how he'd treated Shepard for months washing over him. Joker starting feeling nauseous and had to fight the urge to throw up for the second time that day.
He'd completely and totally fucked up the most important friendship of his life and had no idea how or if he would be able to repair it.