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Jon: Hello, I’m your host Jon.
Martin: And I’m your other host Martin, and thank you for tuning in to Somewhere Else!
Martin: Now Jon-
Jon: Yes Martin?
Martin: I don’t know about you but personally- I think there are no bad cows whatsoever.
Jon: Jumping straight into the heavy topics are we? Well I for one agree. Every cow is good. This, however, does not negate the fact that cattle kill more people per year than sharks do.
Martin (laughing): Wh- You’re joking. No way.
Jon: I’m serious! Cattle kill over 20 times the amount of shark related accidents annually.
Martin: How-? Wha- How do you know about this? That’s absurd!
Jon: In Primary School I had to do a project on marine animals for a science fair and I did mine on sharks. All the other kids did sharks as well because we were all quite unoriginal but I was the only one to point out that fun little tid-bit. I was quite proud of myself. Only got fourth place though.
Martin: Oh that's dreadful. I never knew cows were so dangerous. I was outside a few days ago looking at quite a lot of good cows, the fluffy ones just a walk down the road, and didn’t even realize I was in such peril.
Jon: I’m not sure how dangerous Highland cattle are but-
Martin: Oh they’ve got the horns-!
Jon: yes, the horns, they’re quite big.
Martin: Too big for seemingly harmless creatures. It was a warning all along. I’ve been ignoring the signs, like how frogs are colored brightly to show they’re poisonous! You’ve married a fool, Jon, a clueless fool.
Jon: Nonsense, I’ve married the brightest man in the world. You’re like a star. A sun. So very bright, Martin. I could go blind just looking at you-
Martin (audible smile): Oh shove off!
Jon: A bright lovely star who had been fooled by a cow but is no less bright. Bovine seduction is a-
Martin bursts out laughing
Jon (trying to stifle a laugh): -is a- a method many cannot resist, sadly.
Martin (still giggling): Jon- Bovine seduction. Why-!
Jon laughs
Martin: Why’d you have to use that verb of all things?
Jon: Actually it’s a noun.
Martin: You used seduction in the same sentence as cow, Jon, now’s not the time for an English lesson. I very well may never forgive you for this.
Jon (incredulous) : This is where you draw the line of forgiveness? At me saying bovine seduction? Out of everything else?
Martin (resolutely): Yes.
Jon: Why- but- Martin!
Martin: Jon.
Jon (with an over dramatic sigh): Fine. I’m so sorry for saying bovine seduction-
Martin stifles a laugh
Jon: Don’t interrupt me when I’m apologizing, that’s very rude. I’m so incredibly sorry for saying bovine seduction and nothing else apparently. I have nothing else to apologize for.
Martin: Thank you Jon, I accept your apology.
Jon: wonderf-
Martin: As long as you make dinner tonight.
Jon: Wh- But- But it’s your turn tonight! I made dinner last night!
Martin: And it was wonderful, love.
Jon: Oh, well- thank you…
Martin: So it’s entirely not unreasonable for me to want to enjoy your amazing cooking again, my dearest husband whom I love very much.
Jon: Oh you are just evil. Dreadful. I can’t believe you’d use me like this.
Martin: a deal’s a deal Jon, you’re making me dinner tonight as repentance for saying what you said.
Jon: I can't believe this. There wasn’t even a deal involved.
Martin: Oh you like cooking anyways, don’t give me that. I saw you yesterday cooking up a storm, it was like you were in your element. You were humming! It was all very cute.
Jon: Unfair. Unbelievable. (A pause) Fine, I’ll make dinner tonight. Now where were we?
Martin: Scheming cows.
Jon: Ah, of course.
Martin: I still can’t believe I was fooled this entire time.
Jon: To be fair there is a fence between you and them so you should be perfectly safe.
Martin: Jon, I love cows as much as you but you can’t tell me they couldn’t break that rickety old wood fence any time they wanted. They aren’t even evenly spaced.
Jon: True, but I don’t think they’ll want to anytime soon.
Martin: You don’t know that though. They could be plotting in that big fluffy head of theirs. They could be starting a cow revolution and we’d be none the wiser.
Jon: You’d be implying that there are bad cows then.
Martin: (gasp) You’re right! What happened to my previous conviction? They’d never do such horrible things because there are no bad cows-
Jon: correct.
Martin: And any cows that are bad are not cows.
Jon: What are they then?
Martin: (A second of contemplation) Horses.
Jon: Oh? Why a horse?
Martin: A horse can be good but they can also be very bad.
Jon: This sounds personal. Have you met any bad horses before?
Martin: Absolutely.
Jon: Oh?
Martin: Yes! I was young- can’t remember how young but decently young- and I was taken horseback riding at a nearby ranch. I was so excited when we pulled up to this pasture and I could see the- uh what- what are they called again? Not a stable...
Jon: A barn?
Martin: Yeah, I could see a classic old red barn in the distance and I had on a little cowboy hat so I could be like a real cowboy.
Jon: Did you have a cowboy phase?
Martin: ...Maybe
Jon: huh, you don’t strike me as the type to have had a cowboy faze.
Martin: Well I was really young back then. It’s actually one of the only things I can clearly remember from that time. The horse trauma was too much to forget. So, we pulled up and I was all excited because I always wanted to go horseback riding. We talked to a man that- I think- wasn’t dressed up as a cowboy at all, so I was slightly embarrassed. He took us to look at the horses and showed us this one horse. It was a real pretty one, brown and white I believe, and he helped me up on it. The horse was a little twitchy, rearing its head all over the place, which I thought was normal.
Jon: Oh dear I think I know where this is going.
Martin: You think so but I guarantee it’s not what you’re thinking.
Jon: Oh?
Martin: Yeah, so the man was leading the horse around the field with the reins and he was looking at it strangely. Had his brows furrowed, which is the only thing I can really remember about him. He had very- just - really big bushy eyebrows. And the horse reared its head one last time but this one was really intense, almost hitting me in the head. The man yelled and then the horse just- he just took off running. The man had a good grip on the reins but was knocked right over and let go. At least, I assume that’s what happened? All I knew was that he wasn’t holding the reins anymore and the horse was speeding off.
Jon: Oh dear.
Martin: I actually wasn’t scared.
Jon (baffled): Really? Not at all?
Martin: Not a bit. I thought it was all rather good fun at first. The wind was rushing past me and a rush of adrenaline swept through me. I was having a blast.
Jon: I can't believe that lasted long.
Martin: Oh not at all. The horse was running around the field and got real close to the food trough. I thought they kept those in the barn but there was one right by the fence with a water bucket right next to it. Now the bucket wasn’t a circular one, like one of the little one’s you can pick up with a handle. This was a big one- real big- and was right next to the food trough. The horse slowed down a bit when it got there but not to a nice little trot or anything. Then all of a sudden it just stopped.
Jon (catching on): No.
Martin: Yes! I was flung right off into the food trough. Thankfully it had no food in it but it still hurt being flung at high speeds towards a wood trough. Hurt a whole lot and I was very confused and upset, quite reasonably may I add.
Jon: As anyone would be.
Martin: So I tried to get out of the trough, instincts right? And I fell over the edge right into the water bucket.
Jon laughs.
Martin: Oh don’t give me that. I was shocked and scared. It was traumatic. You’re laughing at my horse trauma, Jon. I can’t believe you.
Jon: If I have to cook you dinner for the second night in a row then I deserve to laugh at your terrible horse trauma.
Martin: Touché. That’s not the worst of it though. I was absolutely floundering in the water bucket-
Jon: I think it’s just called a water trough, like a food trough.
Martin: Is it? It looked like a stretched out bucket but thinking back they were pretty similar. Hm. Well I was in the water trough and the horse started drinking from it! While I was still in it! It got a mouthful of my shirt and wouldn’t let go. Might I add, My cowboy hat had long since been flung off my head. I never got it back after that.
Jon: Oh heaven forbid. That’s the worst tragedy in this entire story.
Martin: It really is. That’s basically it actually. The horse gets a mouthful of my shirt and pulls me out of it? Just- it just drops me right onto the ground soaking wet and continues drinking. That horse knew what it was doing, Jon, I swear! It had a glint in its eyes!
Jon: An evil glint?
Martin: An evil glint. It looked at- at little Martin sat all happy on its back and decided to make him wish he never saw a horse again. I threw away all my cowboy books.
Jon: wait- what? You- you threw them out? Into the garbage? Perfectly good books?
Martin: I was traumatized Jon, give me a break. I couldn’t bear to look at a horse again for the next year. It was horrible.
Jon: Yes yes the horse trauma is horrible but you threw out books! You could have donated them!
Martin: Not the point! I was making a statement! I had to move on with my life and stop aspiring to be a cowboy. It was heartbreaking but ultimately inevitable. I just wasn’t made for the wild west.
Jon: Well I suppose we all owe that horse a thank you. Without its intervention you’d be in America wrangling some horses and doing whatever cowboys do instead of sitting here and being on this podcast with me.
Martin: Without that horse we wouldn’t be husbands.
Jon: God forbid. I’ll thank that horse till the day I die.
Martin: As much as I’d loath to be anywhere but here, I still never want to get on a horse again. Once in a lifetime is good enough for me.
Jon: Completely understandable. So evil cows stop being cows and become horses.
Martin: Oh I forgot that’s what we were talking about.
Jon: The horse anecdote was enrapturing, it’s completely understandable to forget anything else.
Martin: Of course you’d call my childhood trauma an anecdote. Horrible, completely horrible.
Jon: Oh-
Martin: I thought you’d be more caring as I told you my deepest secrets.
Jon (audible smile): Oh stop, I care very much.
Martin (softly): I know, Jon.
Jon: Well, do you have any other opinions on cows?
Martin: Oh, too many to say all in one episode! They’re all just so wonderfully cute! Have you seen- what am I saying, of course you’ve seen baby cows. Their big black eyes and their cute little legs that they fumble on all the time, absolutely adorable. We should become farmers and have a cow therapy program.
Jon (laughing): Wh- well! That certainly came out of nowhere! A cow therapy program?
Martin: Yes! Have you heard about that little ranch with the ten golden retrievers that you just relax with for a day? Imagine that but with cows.
(A moment passes, presumably so that Jon can mull it over)
Jon: Hm. Well, it would have a bigger injury risk than the dogs, I’m sure.
Martin: Yes, I suppose so, but it would be worth it! We’d have a whole bunch of cows but the nicest ones would be able to hang out with people. You know how I go down to the cows when I’m stressed or anxious or- anything, really- they calm me down. Really well, actually. I just think it could really help some people.
(Jon hums)
Martin: Plus, if we had cows we could keep track of them to prevent their uprising.
Jon (chuckling): That’s true! But if cows were to stage an uprising it would be a worldwide event, and we’d only be able to keep track of a small portion of them. Not even 1%.
Martin: Yes, but we could get a sleeper agent cow to sneak into their union ranks and tell us what they’re planning.
Jon (audible smile): Honestly, Martin, if there was a cow uprising I don’t think I’d mind all that much. We’re both vegetarian so we’d only really have to give up milk.
Martin: That’s true! In any case, a cowpocalypse seems like a much better apocalypse than other variants.
Jon: Oh now you’ve got me thinking of a cow god that brought upon the cowpocalypse. You’d be the first ever cow avatar.
Martin (smiling): Jon, our viewers have no idea what you’re talking about. They already think we’re weird enough. Did you see that one comment on the episode where we talked about OSHA violations and we started talking about what fear domains violated what OSHA regulations?
Jon: I don’t believe so? I’ve been meaning to catch up on reading the comments but I’ve been very busy lately.
Martin (scoffs): Oh I’m sure, it’s not like you took a two hour nap yesterday after having just woken up three hours before.
Jon: Martin-!
Martin: My husband is just so very busy, he barely even spends time at home anymore. Such a busy busy man with barely any time. Nine to five, that man.
Jon (smiling): I am a tired man Martin, you must understand. After everything we’ve been through I believe we both deserve two hours naps in the morning.
Martin (in a fond voice): You do.
Jon: We do, dear. Both of us. Anyways, the comment?
Martin: Oh, yes! The comment was from- oh, give me a moment i'm trying to remember-… Ssssss… SacralLumbar? I think? Odd name in my opinion-
Jon: Not necessarily. The Sacral is the medical term for tailbone- actually it’s the sacrum, sacral is the area term, and lumbar is the term for your lower vertebrae. Your sacrum is located in that area so- yes, it does make sense.
(Silence for a few moments)
Martin: The man of my dreams.
Jon: *laughs*
Martin: Anyways, this person commented this really long paragraph- essay, really- about how our podcast was actually an “ARG”.
Jon: ARG? That’s a term I don’t think I’ve heard before, which is honestly impressive.
Martin: Jon! You sound narcissistic when you say things like that without context!
Jon: What, it’s true! And context would just confuse people even more!
Martin: That’s true. Well, I looked it up and it means “alternate-reality game”.
Jon: *chokes on air*
(Jon starts coughing and we hear a few pats, presumably Martin patting Jon’s back)
Jon (grim): A-… alternate reality?
Martin (soothingly): Don’t worry Jon, it’s not what you think. It’s where someone tells a story in the form of media posts or something similar, creating the illusion that what’s happening in their story is real. It’s basically a form of storytelling.
Jon (calmer): And this person thinks we’re, what, telling a fake story through our podcast? Where we just got done talking about a cow revolution?
Martin (audible smile): Yes, apparently. Their comment was actually very convincing. It all made a surprising amount of sense, honestly. They put together all the little tidbits we let slip out about- well, y’know- and they created this whole story and connected everything together. It was downright impressive.
Jon: That sounds… interesting. I think I’ll read it after this recording.
Martin: You should! Anyways, just as a disclaimer, this podcast is not an ARG. The thing with the, uh, fears, it’s a little… it’s just…
Jon: It’s an inside joke.
Martin: Yes. Exactly. Wow, we’ve gotten way off the topic of cows.
Jon: Too off-topic if you ask me. Cows certainly deserve our undivided attention.
Martin: Oh absolutely.
Jon: Didn’t you name that one cow with the nick in its ear?
Martin: Genevieve! Oh, such a darling! She comes over every time I stop by and lets me pet her! She and I, we have a connection.
Jon: She’s just in it for the treats you give her.
Martin (scandalized): *gasp* How could you say such a thing? You would really accuse poor Genevieve of being so shallow? Why, I think you’re just jealous.
Jon: Of a cow?
Martin: Yes.
Jon: *sighs* You got me, I am just so jealous of the relationship between a cow and my husband. Clearly since you give- ahem- Genevieve a few homemade treats every now and again you must like her better than me. The man you married.
Martin (solemn): I’m so sorry Jon, it just isn’t working out between us. I’m afraid Genevieve has one critical factor you simply don’t have.
Jon: Horns?
Martin: A passion for poetry. She listens very intently whenever I read aloud my poetry and even moos whenever I finish. Like the cowy version of applause.
Jon: I love your poetry!
Martin: Oh really? I remember you saying very differently in the past.
Jon: That was about other people's poetry! I don’t much care for other poets.
Martin: So you only like mine because I’m your husband?
Jon: No, it’s just that most poets always encode their poetry to a frustrating degree.
Martin: I disagree! It’s not encoding! In fact, I believe it’s the exact opposite. Poets form their words to be as simplistic as possible, it’s just that simplicity for different feelings is varied. Poetry is about emotion and feeling. If I were to write a poem and it just said “the grass is green and the sky is blue, something something I love you”, it wouldn’t have any feeling to it. I could, however, say something like “sage waves reach towards a golden halo, and you bring me even higher”, it has a light and airy feeling. Pastel colors and rolling fields come to mind, as well as an innocent, almost divine kind of love. Now, if I were to instead say “stalks of deep green rose up toward an infinite sky, yet your eyes could encapsulate even more”, it has a very different feel. There are darker shades now, and the feeling is more intense and all-encompassing. It’s about getting a feeling across, not a direct message.
Jon: You make a good point. I suppose I’ll have to reevaluate my opinion on others' poetry. However, even if I read every piece of poetry on the planet, I’d still prefer yours, because yours, for a lack of a better term, feels safe. No matter if you're talking about cats or flowers or love or fear, I always feel safe reading them. Because it’s in your handwriting, and in the words you chose that are just so you it’s impossible to think anyone else could write something just like it. I’ve grown to appreciate your poetry because I’ve grown to appreciate you, I suppose. When you talk about “sage waves” I think of the sage you keep in our bedside drawer and the small lapping waves of the creek just by our house. That is to say, I like that you put your whole heart into your poetry and incorporate bits of your life into every line. It’s like, well, it’s like seeing a little bit of you on paper. That. That doesn’t sound right. Hm. You’d have much better wording, at least.
Martin: *stifles a wet laugh* Oh, Jon- That… you’re going to make me all emotional during a recording!
Jon: Plus, I don’t think any other poet has ever described cows as “fluffy gifts from god” before.
Martin: *gasp* You ruined the moment!
Jon: All I’m saying is that I’d love to join you whenever you recite poetry to Genevieve. I’d have more to say than a cow, at least.
Martin: And here we are bad mouthing Genevieve again! How rude! Genevieve and I’ll just have to take our slam poetry elsewhere.
Jon: Well that’s a true shame because I was thinking of preparing some schabowy tonight. Maybe with a few potatoes and some fried cabbage to go with it. Oh, but don’t let me stop you and Genevieve from living your slam poetry dreams, I’ll just make a meal for one tonight.
Martin: This is cruel and unusual punishment, Jon. Absolutely reprehensible. I can’t believe you’d stoop so low.
Jon: I am just a wicked man, I’m afraid.
Martin: A wicked man who I love, and who makes amazing schabowy. *sigh* I suppose I’ll stay, for I love you much too greatly to leave.
Jon (dryly): It was a hard decision to make, I’m sure.
Martin (gravely): Oh, dreadfully hard.
Jon: What I was going to say before we started down this odd cow-poetry road, I was going to ask if you had named any other cows? Or is Genevieve the lucky lady?
Martin: Oh, this is embarrassing, but I keep on forgetting which cow is which. I tried to name them all but I just can’t remember who’s who!
Jon: I’m sure they have little details that set them apart. It’s odd that you didn’t already distinguish them through little traits no one else would have noticed, you’re good at spotting things like those.
Martin: Oh, thank you Jon! I have noticed little aspects between each of them. But that’s not really the problem. The problem is actually remembering the names! There’s this little speckled cow with three brown dots right above their left eye, kind of like Orion’s Belt, and I’ve tried to name the poor girl five times already but I keep on mixing them up! One day it’s Harrietta, the next it’s Harley, the next it’s Haily!
Jon: Well, why don’t you just name her Orion?
Martin: I-! Uh… huh. I was going to say because it’s a boys name but that didn’t really stop me from naming my first ever pet, a little red eared female slider, Richard IV.
Jon: Why specifically the IV?
Martin: I think I wanted a regal sounding name and Richard didn’t quite cut the bill. It needed a bit more pizzazz.
Jon: As all names do, of course.
Martin: Anyways, I never really thought of that. That… would have been so much easier to remember. I feel a little silly now.
Jon: I’m sure the other cows aren’t as easy to remember.
Martin: Not necessarily? I mean, there are two in particular that look almost identical because their coats are entirely brown and shaggy but the rest have little features I remember, like little cracks in their horns or some speckling on their nose. I think it’s entirely just me being unable to remember names. I just have to get better about that I suppose.
Jon: Why don’t you write down the names on a post-it note and take it with you whenever you go down there so you can refer back to that until you don’t need it anymore?
Martin: That’s a good idea!
Jon (humorously):Well, I’m just full of good ideas.
Martin: … sure, Jon.
Jon: Rude and scandalous.
Martin: Well you agree, don’t you? Your past plans weren’t… the greatest.
Jon: Hmh. Some of them were.
Martin: Yes, some of them.
Jon: Can’t believe you’d be so mean to me, after everything I’ve done for you!
Martin: Everything you’ve done for me is already paid off, considering how you treated me when we first met.
Jon: *sputtering* Wh-! I-! Well I-! … That’s fair.
Martin (smugly): Mmmmhm. Well, this idea was tied to cows so the past doesn’t matter. What matters now is cows! I need name ideas, stat! Considering I, well, I forgot the last ones…
Jon: Hm… well how many are there?
Martin: Some come and go but about sixteen show up regularly.
Jon: Name one Chamomile.
Martin: Oh that’s a pretty name! Any other suggestions?
Jon: Afraid not. I need to conserve the rest of my creativity for tonight’s dinner.
Martin: Oh, well then I’ll just have to rely on our listeners for this one! Give me name suggestions and maybe I’ll name one of our cows one!
Jon: They’re not our cows, Martin, they’re the neighbors.
Martin: Well I don’t see the neighbors going out every day to feed them little handmade goods now do I?
Jon: I suppose not.
Martin: I rest my case.
Jon: Well, now that our listeners have heard more about cows than I think they ever cared to, I believe it’s time to wrap things up. I, apparently, have some very interesting comments to read.
Martin: And some poetry!
Jon: Yes, that too.
Martin: Well thank you so much for tuning in, we’re glad you made it this far!
Jon: I’m sure you’d have rather been anywhere else-
Martin: -yet thank you for tuning into Somewhere Else!