Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tommy was alone; standing in front of two just-filled graves. Nobody except him, a preist, an aunt, an uncle and two cousins were there. He felt hollow like nothing could fill the void in his heart. He found it hard to believe, that he was just telling his mother and father to have a safe drive just last week. Yet they were both six feet under him, too far away and Tommy wanted to cry. They were so close but they also weren’t. The fact was too hard to grasp, that he’d never eat his mother's cookies again, he wouldn’t see his old house again, he wouldn’t be hugged by his parents again, no more family karaoke drives. Tommy let his head hang low.

When his uncle dragged him away from the grave, Tommy was lost. He didn’t pay attention to who was guiding him away. His body was moving except he wasn’t. His mind was making him and he just let it happen, he let himself into the car and close the door.

The sudden realisation that this would probably be the last drive to his house. Until he was eighteen unless his aunt and uncle wanted to sell it. It was up to the family he had left. Tommy watched the old park pass, the corner shop, that shady ally, the memorial for the fucker who killed his parents and the memorial for his parents. His cousins severely didn’t understand what had happened because they were fighting over what kidz bop song to play. Tommy's uncle shushed them.

The car ride was short, his uncle parked in the driveway and some neighbours were at the front door. “Thomas, I’m so sorry.”Mrs Greene said, holding an apple pie. “Thank you, Mrs Greene. It’s incredibly kind of you.”Tommy smiled weakly. Manners were important. Some more apologies and some more pastries and sweets were handed out. Uncle Mark helped Tommy carry them; they weren’t meant to stay too long. Tommy was just expected to pack most of his life belongings in a couple of hours and whatever he wanted to keep of his parent's stuff. Mrs and Mr Greene insisted on helping him pack and a few other neighbours had insisted on moving his heavy items, such as his desk and bed etc. His Auntie Johanna thanked them and drove his cousins home. She’d be back soon enough.

Tommy packed up his pc carefully. Not wanting to break it of course. His posters were taken down, his clothes were half-packed. His uncle made sure to get rid of some, so they could buy more. A bonding shop moment or some shit.
“Thomas, do you want your computer moved now?”Mark asked, his voice careful as Tommy taped the box up. “Yes, thank you.”Tommy pushed the box away to the best of his ability.

Tommy switched the light on, and his parent's rooms lightening up. The tacky purple sheets, the white walls and the matching furniture were too much. Tommy placed his mother's perfume into a box, his father's cologne, his parent's wedding rings that they had recently polished, some photos, the boxes full of his parent's memories and his childhood stuff. He couldn’t be in there anymore and after he was done he left. His uncle had left, going back to get the car and drop some stuff off.

Using the remaining cutlery his old primary teacher made him food. Insisting in fact. Something easy, it was pasta. Good thing she made food, the rest of the food in the fridge would have to be thrown out. What a waste. “Thank you, Miss Cassie,”Tommy said and ate a bit. “It’s delicious.”It was. Miss Cassie have a sorry smile and went to clean up. Tommy sighed. He had to stomach it except he couldn’t. He wasn’t hungry.

His life sucked.

The drive to his ‘home’ was long. About an hour. Maybe that’s why he never saw his extended family often. He was meant to be unpacked but he was lying on the floor. Mood.

School started up again soon. So so soon. Halloween break was so short. So little time to mourn, move on and live a normal life. At least he has streaming. Streaming will keep him busy. Climbing views by the second and climbing popularity was great; should’ve been. Everyone was so distasteful now that his parents were not there. Getting up, he opened up his pc box. Unboxing the pc, he placed it on his desk and started plugging stuff in.

Soon enough everything was done. Tommy could rest.

At least for now.

His heart ached, the pain hit him and he couldn’t help but cry. He sobbed quietly, his bottom lip quivering. He slapped himself to stop crying. Except he couldn’t stop at all. Crying made him feel worse, a reminder that he was worthless and useless and that he’d never see his parents again. His pain was unbearable. Opening discord on his phone, he places headphones in and called Wilbur.

“Toms, hey!”Wilbur said, his voice calm and soft. Comforting, in fact. “Why are you up so late? It’s one am.” Tommy paused. “Wil,” He choked back a small sob, he shuffled around on the floor and Wilbur sighed. “Tommy, are you…crying?”Wilbur seemed to move around on his end of the call as well. “Shut up, pussio!” Tommy murmured. “Oh, sunshine! Are you okay? Wilbur asked, his voice careful. “Don’t call me that…”Sunshine was the last name Tommy wanted to be called. His mother called him that and the wound was still fresh, being called that would be shaking salt into said wound. “Okay, why’d you call me su- Tommy?”Wilbur corrected himself, Wilbur loved calling Tommy sunshine. “Can you play me a song?” “Of course.”
Tommy wished that conversation was real. He and Wilbur weren’t good friends yet. Acquaintances if you want to call it that.

Tommy moved up to his bed, and let himself snuggle down. Listening to the gentle strums of a guitar. When a stupid Spotify ad blared in his ear.

His life sucked.

Chapter Text

He was tired.
Tommy was exhausted. He couldn’t bring himself to get up, and he felt sick. He must’ve cried during his sleep, he always felt sick after he cried. ‘Great.‘Tommy fought, pulling the blankets up over him, he felt the void. The void in his body, the void was there because something was missing. His parents. Tommy felt hollow, ready to cry, again. He was so upset. He felt worthless like he could’ve done something to save their lives, maybe if he had called them? Told them to come home, that he did something stupid? Or get in the car with them, maybe he would’ve survived, survived so he could help resuscitate his dad, and get his mum the help she needed quicker. Or perhaps he would’ve died a nobody. Or maybe he shouldn’t have insisted they go out for a drink, no that would’ve been selfish, but selfishness is better than your parents dying, right?

Tommy shook his head, he was overthinking this. He exited his room and stumbled down the stairs. “Hello, Thomas!”His aunt was a bit too cheery. “Good morning.”Tommy nodded, sitting down on a couch. Tommy wished he could sit there and he’d disappear, forever. He felt numb. “Do you want breakfast?”Johanna asked and Tommy nodded. “I would appreciate that,” Tommy said softly and Johanna smiled at him. “I’ll be right back.”She said and walked into the kitchen. Tommy looked at the morning news on the tv. His parents were on it.

‘The funeral for a couple in lower England was held yesterday afternoon after a car incident involving a drunk driver occurred. Our condolences go to their family and son-“Tommy changed the tv channel. He wanted to scream. They didn’t care, nobody cared. It was just him. “Here you go, Tommy.”Johanna handed him some toast and apple juice. “Thank you,” Tommy said and took a bite of the toast. “Eat the crust, it’s good for you.”Johanna winked and Tommy wanted to die. He drank his apple juice and watched tv.

His uncle walked in soon after. “Hello Tommy, how are feeling?”He calmly said and Tommy shrugged. “Fine,” Tommy muttered and took snitched sip of juice. “You sure?”Mark sat down beside him and Tommy nodded. “Yes, thank you, Mark.”Tommy wasn’t fine, Infact he’d felt worse than yesterday.

“I’m gonna do some streaming,” Tommy said and sat up, picking his plate up and placing it in the kitchen, taking his juice with him. He walked up the stairs and sat his juice beside his desk. He powered up his computer and put in his password.

Tommy opened up discord and saw a message from Wilbur.

Wilbur soot: Hey Tommy, I know we’re not close but wanna do a stream with me and a few friends? Maybe make a vid out of it! Let me know!

Tommyinnit: sure! I’d love to, Are you all free now?

Wilbur soot: yep!

Tommy was added to a group chat and Tommy saw texts telling him to join VC.

“Hello?”Tommy asked and screaming filled his ears. “HELLO.” a loud booming voice said, “who the fuck-“Tommy fake laughed and everyone else laughed. “I am Philza Minecraft, nice to meet you!” “I am Technoblade.” a monotone voice said. “ooooh I’m Technoblade I am a male Wednesday Addams ooooh” Tommy mimicked and everyone burst out laughing. “Alright, Tommy shush and load up twitch.”Wilbur giggled and Tommy did that. He titled his stream Technoblade is emo. Feat. Philza and Wilbur’

“WIL, STOP BUILDING COCKS.”Phil yelled and Tommy did a fake laugh. “Oi don’t yell at him, dickhead!”Tommy shouted back and Techno grunted. “Go cry about it to your mum.”Phil laughed and Tommy physically changed. His smile dropped and his demeanour changed. People in his chat were worried. “Tommy?”Wilbur asked and Tommy seemed to be startled. “Yeah?”Tommy said quickly. “You good?”Phil asks and Tommy nods. “Yeah I've just gotta go, thanks Chat, thanks guys and have a good day!”Tommy quickly ended the stream. Tommy burst out crying, his head aching as he held his head in his hands. ‘I wish I could cry to mum.’ Tommy internally cursed Phil, he knew it wasn’t his fault but he still felt angry.

A few hours passed and Tommy stopped crying. He went back to his computer and logged on discord. As soon as his profile said he was online Wilbur dm’d him.

Wilbur Soot: Join VC big guy

Tommy went into the group chat and joined the VC again. He had accidentally stumbled into a Taylor swift rave, Wilbur was having the time of his life, singing in what sounded to be an Australian accent. “What the fuck-“Tommy laughed quietly. “Oh ‘ello there Tommy!”Wilbur’s Aussie Persona said. “Hey, Tommy! What was up earlier?”Phil asked, his voice hesitant and careful. “Oh, nothing, my mum is off working abroad. I guess I just sorta miss her.”Tommy lied, he was a good liar. In his eyes. “Oh! Sorry mate.”Phil apologised and suddenly Wilbur was screaming at Technoblade for changing the group chat name to ‘sleepy bois inc.’ “what the fuck is a sleep boi!”This conversation was incredibly funnier with Wilbur’s Australian accent. Tommy turned his webcam on like the rest of the gang and spun around in his chair for thirty minutes. Nobody noticed he was spinning. Until an hour and forty-five minutes later. “Tommy, where you spinning?”Techno had asked and Tommy spun faster, and the wheels on the chair against the smooth wooden floor betrayed him, sending him straight into some unpacked boxes. Tommy coughed and rolled on the floor trying to catch his breath as he heard loud laughter from his abandoned headset.

Tommy sat back in his chair and giggled. “Oops” Tommy exclaimed and everyone laughed. “Thomas, can you moo the floor?”Johanna walked in, and Tommy nodded at her. ‘Yeah, I will.”Tommy turned back to his computer. “I thought your mum was abroad?”Techno questioned and Tommy laughed. “That was my aunt, I’m staying with her and my cousins, uncle and stuff whilst my parents are away.”Tommy shrugged as he waved bye. “Bye guys!”Tommy said and left the call.

Sitting himself up, he walked out of his room and went downstairs. “Where’s the mop?”Tommy asked and Johanna used her finger to point to the bucket in the corner, taking a sip of red wine. “Okay.”Tommy walked over to the bucket, took the mop out and rinsed it. He put it on the kitchen tiles and mopped. Johanna seemed to spit out her wine. “That’s not right.”Johanna sighed, putting down her glass and walking over to Tommy. “Oh, I’m sorry…”Tommy let her take the mop as she showed you how to do it. “That’s how you do it.”She put it back in Tommy's hand, going back over to her wine. Tommy did as showed he did in the living room and bathrooms. He sighed, his arms and back hurt from the stance. “I’m done, Johanna!”He called and walked back into the kitchen. He emptied the mop bucket and put it in the utility room. “Oh Tommy, thank you.” she paused and grinned, and she shrugged, the red liquid in the glass swooshing inside of the glass. “Well, can you wash the windows? I’d do it myself but I did my nails..”She sat her glass down and got out window cleaner and a rag. “Okay.”Tommy took the items and got to work.

Tommy was more tired than this morning.
“Aw thank you, Thomas!”Johanna’s sickly sweet voice said. She’s had three or two glasses of wine and it was only eleven am. “Oh and later will you help the kids, it’s only ICT work?”She followed him up the stairs and Tommy nodded. “Of course.”He sighed. Johanna seemed taken aback. “What, I’d it too much work?”She laughed. “No, I just miss my parents.”Tommy opened his bedroom door and Johanna pouted. “I know, but there’s nothing we can do.”She disregarded the topic, moving her hand in a dramatic motion while shutting the door. Tommy let his mouth hang open. The way she said it, it was so cold…
Tommy lay on his bed, scrolling through Twitter. He liked a few tweets and made some joke tweets. He ignored the hate, to the best of his ability. Tommy was being spammed by Wilbur, Techno and Phil.
He rolled his eyes, as he loaded onto discord.

Wilbur: hi Tommy!

Tommy: Hi

Phil: hi

Technoblade: Tommy, if someone offered five grand for your future children would you take the money?

Tommy: no their organs are worth much more.

Phil: NEVER LET TOMMY HAVE KIDS.

Wilbur: gotta raise 'em right.

Tommy: I miss my dogs

Wilbur: I miss my wife

Phil: not the fucking brown m&m shit again

Tommy: what’s the brown m&m thing?

Technoblade: no. Never tell Tommy.

Phil: deal

Wilbur: deal

Tommy: no deal

Tommy smiled as he switched off his phone. He went over to his pc to start editing a video. Logging into his computer he heard Johanna call him.

Tommy stumbled down the stairs, he met Johanna in the living room. “Run to the shop, will you?”Johanna chirped brightly. “Sure, what do you need?”Tommy walked further into the room and she handed him money, a shopping list and an umbrella. “Okay, I’ll be back soon,” Tommy said and left.

Tommy shuffled a playlist, stepping outside into the bitter air. Tommy pulled his hood up and walked to the nearest corner shop. He passed some absolute dicks, underage vapers or some shit, he also passed road-men, chavs and some dogs. (Which he stopped to pet.) As he walked into the shop, he bumped into someone. “Oi, what the fuck-“The person said and Tommy flinched. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t see you. My apologies.”Tommy said politely, he tried to squeeze past the boy but he didn’t let Tommy through. “You’re that Tommyinnit fella, you do realise you’re unfunny and annoying, right?”The boy rolled his eyes, shoving himself into Tommy. Tommy sighed as he walked into the shop.

He saw ingredients on the list, some random items and hygiene stuff.
As he walked into the hygiene aisle he saw razor blades on the list. He picked them up and put them in his basket. He hoped they wouldn’t ID him, he didn’t wanna make Johanna have to go herself to get one item. Tommy got the rest of the stuff as he got in line for the checkout. He scrolled through his phone again and took his headphones out. “Hello.”Tommy greeted as he set his items on the bench. The boy, who seemed too young to work there didn’t say anything. Tommy bagged the items and paid. He left the store and it started to rain. Tommy didn’t use the umbrella, he let the rain soak his clothes and body. It felt peaceful almost. Tommy took the backroads, where he found an abandoned park.

Tommy walked over to the park, sat down on a swing and he set his bag down. He felt calm as he sat there, absolutely soaking through his clothes. He felt strangely at peace. He took a few photos and started walking back.

Tommy sat the stuff down on the kitchen table. “I’m back, I’m gonna go get a shower,” Tommy called and ran upstairs. Only to find Johanna in his room. “My oh my, you’re rooms so tidy. Will you clean the twins’ room? It’s so messy!”She smiled smugly as Tommy nodded. “Can I get a shower first?”Tommy requested and Johanna shook her head. “No, the twins will be home in three hours and I need some more housework done, oh Tommy you’re such a dear helping me.”She smirked, leaving the room. ‘Helping her?’Tommy huffed in his mind and he quickly got changed. ‘I’m not helping her, I’m doing child labour for her.’Tommy went into his cousin's room. It was a wreck.

Tommy finished his cousins’ room and was about to go to his room. “Tommy, sweetheart, would you-?”
Tommy wanted to cry, he was still in mourning and Johanna hadn’t given him time to mourn properly. It’d only been four or five days since his parent’s death, and here he was scrubbing away.

“Aunt Johanna, can’t I take a rest?”Tommy frowned, slugging around after her as she started her fifth glass of wine. “I’ve been doing housework all day!”Tommy whined and he went flying onto the floor after she slapped him. “Stop complaining, I’m simply training you for life.”She smiled humbly, but she was anything but humble. “Like a real mother would.”She smirked and Tommy scrambled up. He let tears fall as he ran upstairs and into his room. Tommy decided he wanted to go to sleep.

He saw his parents, he was on the sidewalk and they were at a red light. They were on their way home. It was late and the roads were pretty much deserted. He wanted to scream at them to get out of the car, to just run the red light, but Tommy couldn’t move. Suddenly he saw the black Mercedes’ and his eyes widened. He saw the young man, taking a swig of whiskey as he sped up. Tommy finally screamed, or was it him screaming? The light turned green and his parent's car moved, and the car hit them head-on. He saw the car flip, he saw the drunk man go straight out of his windshield and he saw heard his parents' seatbelts snap, as his mother and father were thrashed about he could move. He ran towards the car, but every time he took a step the car was further away.

His body jolted awake, he clawed at his throat and he gasped for air. Tommy was in distress. He didn’t know what to do. He cried, his body racked with sobs as he wiped at his eyes.

He joined a call started by Wilbur on discord. “Hey,” Tommy mumbled, his body hurt. “Tommy, are you okay?”Techno queried, and Tommy cleared his throat. “Uh, yeah.”He muttered and Johanna came in again. “Don’t forget to dust the window sills and decor.”She smiled again. “Okay, Johanna.”Tommy looked away from her and down at his feet. “Just tired.”Tommy shrugged and smiled, staring back up at his pc. “I’m alright.”He insisted, and the rest started talking again. Tommy cracked open a can of coke, and the loud and sudden pop made Wilbur scream. “AH!”Wilbur screeched and thuds could be heard from his side of the call. Tommy burst out in giggles, not taking time to breathe. Phil chuckled, and techno did a monotone laugh. “Sorry!”Tommy said in between soft giggles. “Tommy owes me a new chair!”Wilbur yelled as a plastic fumbling sound was heard. “No, you decided to fall over!” Tommy defended himself, hearing uncle Mark come in through the door. “Mark!”Tommy scrambled to stand and ran down the stairs to greet his uncle. He liked his uncle. “Hello!” Mark replied, setting his briefcase down. “How are you?”Marks' sweet tone asked and Tommy shrugged his shoulders. “I’m okay.”Tommy high-fives the man, smiling in glee. “I’m talking to my friends, I’ll see you later!”Tommy ran back upstairs.

“Hey guys, I’m back.”Tommy sat down in his chair placing his headset over his ears. “Hey!”

Some silly Minecraft games later Tommy was called to the car, going to pick up his cousins. He said bye to his friends and walked downstairs to the car. “The house looks lovely, darling!”Mark commented and kissed Johanna’s cheek. “Aw, only for you!”She replied and walked out the door with him. Tommy felt his stomach drop, he did work while she was getting drunk at eleven am. Tommy slid into the back seat, crossing his arms in anger. Johanna seemed so nice, but first impressions can often be wrong. Tommy reminded himself of that. He should be wary, he doesn’t know these people like he knew his parents, they could rip the carpet out from under him and laugh as he tripped.

Chapter Text

Tommy wanted to feel happy, so he convinced himself he was happy. He was fine, wasn’t he? It was like his parents were still here. He did daily streams and was giddy and lively around family and friends.

But still, like anyone with emotions. Tommy, when he lay down, felt that void inside of his body. Like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, he felt hollow. Yet he still convinced himself that was silly! He was super hilarious, he was cheery, and he was an orphan. Johanna liked it to remind him of that when she drank wine. God, that woman sure knew how to handle her alcohol. Tommy cleaned the house for her, without a word because he was glad to do it! It made him fortunate to have someone in his life, a person in his life to teach him things! Maybe his first impression of Johanna was wrong. Johanna was great.

Tommy walked his cousins to school, walked to Johanna’s house and went to his room. A simple enough journey, until he saw his Aunt going through his things. “Johanna?”Tommy stood in the bedroom’s doorway, his hand on the frame. Johanna laughed, drinking a sip of red wine. As red as her chosen lipstick. It was sort of an eyesore, something that makes Tommy cringe. “What are you doing?”Tommy walked into the room, sat down in his gaming chair and watched Johanna get up. “Oh, nothing” Johanna chuckled, stumbling upwards and dragging herself out the door. “I’m going to lie down!”She yelled, her bedroom door opening. “Okay?”Tommy muttered, moving to his PC.

“Welcome back Boys!”Tommy yelled, trying to be a bit quieter than he usually was. Letting Johanna rest. “How’re we?”Tommy asked to the screen, the chat flying by quickly. Tommy took a sip of coke, placing the can down. “I’m good too!”Tommy loaded up Minecraft, logged into the dream SMP and Tommy joined a voice channel. “Hey guys” Tommy voiced and he got a few more hello’s and hey’s back. “Tommy!”Wilbur scolded as Tommy giggled. “Whattttt?”Tommy said through a soft laugh, almost like a whine. “You’re Not a wife haver, stop saying so!”Wilbur scoffed and Tommy started shouting.

A knock at Tommy’s door snapped him out of it. “Yes?”Tommy muttered, seeing the door open and the loud, screeching creak. “Cousins” Johanna slurred, stumbling back into the hallway. “Oh, okay-“Tommy muttered, going back to his stream. “Alright mates, I’ve got to go!”Tommy paused, opening up stream on his other monitor. “Goodbye!”Tommy waved and ended his stream. Staying on the call, switching to his phone instead to mutter a long goodbye.

Tommy walked to the school where his cousins were. He’d gotten a note saying there were lice in the twin’s class. Tommy sighed, he’d have to take care of it. Johanna was still stumbling and slurring her words. “Alright guys, let’s go.”Tommy made the walk back, Vincent taking a step onto the road a bit too quickly.

Tommy yelled out and pulled Vincent back as a car ran by. “Vincent, use your fucking eyes!”Tommy shouted, and Vincent winced. “Listen, I’m sorry.”Tommy bit his lip In anxiousness but shook his head. “Just, use your eyes, okay?”Tommy held the boy's hand as he nodded. “Good, good.”Tommy let out a sigh and the trio walked.

Tommy trudged up the stairs, knocking on Johanna’s door, she was fast asleep. Tommy had to call Mark.

“Hey,” Tommy started, and he sat down on a chair. “So, there’s a note from the twin’s school,” Tommy said and heard Mark hum, a sign to go on. “It said that they had lice in the school, and I don’t know how to check for lice or how to kill them. And Johanna’s asleep.”Tommy voiced, the man on the other line sighing. “I’ll be home soon, just if the twins start to itch their head, literally just poke your finger through their hair,” Mark replied, and Tommy took that information in. The pair muttered goodbyes and Tommy started editing a video.

For the second time that day, sbi joined together in a call. “Oh man, I just heard about a couple who got in a car crash,” Wilbur spoke, his voice laced with a sad pout. “Aw man, anything else?”Phil spoke softly, pity laced his voice. “Yeah, they passed away in the hospital. They had a son, but he didn’t know until the morning after. Said the boy only got to spend a minute with each parent to say goodbye.”Wilbur continued, and Tommy shivered in his seat. “Fucking drunk driver,” Wilbur grumbled angrily and Tommy felt himself bite his lip. “Tommy, you okay?”Techno asked, the conversation must have moved on for a while. “Oh, mhm!”Tommy hummed and he pushed his parents to the back of his mind.

“Tom, you’re being off,” Phil spoke and Tommy shook his head and laughed. “Just tired.”Tommy excused the worried man, with two simple words. “I haven’t been sleeping lately, it’s hard,” Tommy confessed, it was very true. He hadn’t been sleeping because of the guilt of the past few days. Pushing his parents' lives and dignity away into the back of his mind. He saw their faces when he slept, so he was frightened awake. “Oh, go on.”Wilbur urged, he might’ve had some advice for the boy. “Well, I have nightmares…sometimes.”Tommy paused. “It keeps me awake, it’s guilt. The guilt of something I’ve been doing to be happy.”Tommy confessed and then he realised he’d screwed up. He never should’ve said something so personal. “Tommy, are you a murderer?”Techno asked and the call burst out in laughs. “No, no I’m not” Tommy wiped tears of laughter away and laid back in his chair. “Well, what are you doing? What’re you doing to make you happy?”Wilbur asked Tommy to go on. “I’m trying to forget some people.”Tommy shook his head. “This is stupid, I’m okay. Just having sleeping troubles.”Tommy shrugged and drank a sip of Coca-Cola. Wilbur knew that wasn’t the case.

The call lasted late, and Tommy ignored the call for dinner. He draped a blanket on his body as the cam turned to face cams. Tommy turned the fairy lights he had on, dimming his camera lights and he sat down on his chair again, blanket on him again. “Awww!”Wilbur squealed as Tommy drifted off to sleep. “Look at the child!”Wilbur squeaked again and Techno smiled, and Phil took a screenshot of Tommy's screen. He then used the screenshot as a meme. Captioning the tweet he posted of Tommy as ‘me when the wife makes dinner’ it didn’t even make sense.

Tommy had a nightmare again that night.

He was in his home, his parents looking at him from the couch. Smiling uncomfortably. “I-“
“Shh, Thomas..”His mum said and Tommy felt a shiver run down his spine. “Stop, this isn’t real.”Tommy crossed his arms and looked at the floor. “You’re not real, Thomas.”His dad said and Tommy froze. “The words repeated out of his parents' mouths, taunting him as his head pounded, and pounded, and pounded. The pounding got louder, and Tommy finally looked up. “We should’ve had a son who could save us, not murder us..”

He was in a street, and he heard the screech of wheels, he heard the seatbelts snap and he saw the crash. Tommy screamed and felt himself be dragged down, he was going to go to hell. He’s trying to forget his parents! He betrayed them.

Tommy woke up screaming, he panted and felt his tears tremble down his cheeks. Tommy heard Wilbur shouting at him in his headphones, Phil and Techno also talking. Trying to get the boy to speak. Tommy’s breath heaved as he exited the call and Mark rushed in. “Tommy?”Mark asked and Tommy cried. “Shh, it’s okay,” Mark muttered and hugged the boy, his comforting arms around the younger.

“Now, Tomm what happened?”Mark asked and Tommy’s chest heaved. “It was my parents,” Tommy choked out and Mark nodded. “They said I wasn’t real, they said I murdered them!”Tommy finished with a loud sob. The older man dished out comfort, saying he was real and he wasn’t a murderer, trying to make jokes to ease Tommy out of the stressful mindset. Tommy pushed his parents to the back of his mind again, he was okay. He was happy, he was fine.

Tommy washed his tears away in the sink, drinking some water and going back on discord.

SBI !! Tommy smells, SHUT UP WILBUR, you can answer in messages yk not the gc name YEAH FUCKOFFMAN:

Wilbur Soot 20:34:
Toms, u good?
@Tommyinnit

Tommyinnit:
yeh, just had a bad dream again.
Tommyinnit:
it’s fine tho

Technoblade:
you didn’t look fine

Ph1lza 20:37:
Techno, stop it

Tommyinnit:
Just a bit frightened
Tommyinnit:
guys how do I know if I’m real

Technoblade 20:40:
you can’t just say it’s fine and then ask us if you’re real

Tommyinnit:
well?

Ph1lza:
Toms, you’re very much real. Okay?

Tommyinnit:
Mhm

Wilbur Soot 20:41:
now, child.
Wilbur Soot:
Sleep

Tommyinnit:
not after that dream

Technoblade 20:45:
I just realised this is the longest Tommys gone in a conversation without spelling something wrong

Tommyinnit:
Bugger fof mate

Wilbur Soot:
FOF

Ph1lza:
fof

Wilbur soot 20:50:
Join VC again !!

Tommy joined VC, rubbing at his eyes as techno blade stared him down. “Tommy, you’re tired,” Techno spoke, and Tommy laughed. “Tired of nightmares.”The teen joked back, a sleepy smirk on his face. “Tommy, can’t you try to go back to sleep?”Wilbur asked and Tommy shook his head. “I need some fucking hard crack dude” Tommy yawned and the call giggled in response. “Just try, we’ll be right here if a nightmare happens again.”Phil smiled comfortingly. God, he spoke like a dad. Tommy sighed in response, and the men on the call urged him to sleep in his bed rather desk chair.

So, Tommy joined VC on his phone. He turned off his electronics, only keeping his led lights on, of course on a low setting. Tommy nodded off to the men on the call chatting away, Tommy was glad he had friends like these.

Chapter Text

Tommy woke up a few times in the middle of the night, needless to say, the men were still on the call, most of them asleep. Although the American was still awake, so Tommy chatted with him before he fell asleep again.

This time it was around ten o'clock in the morning. Tommy heard the two elder brits awake and talking away. Tommy sat up in bed, his mind fuzzy from being woke from his slumber. Tommy held his phone and his face popped up on the call. “Hey, Thomas!”Phil greeted, and Wilbur with a struggling grunt. His mouth was full to the brim with toast. Tommy groaned in response, flopping down onto his bed. His mind was starting to wake up, his body stayed still though. Duvet covers are hazily thrown around his body.

Tommy finally got up, taking his phone downstairs to the kitchen, popping pop tarts into the toaster and pouring himself a cup of apple juice. His aunt had left a checklist of chores, Tommy sighed as he looked at the list. Johanna was at work, then when she got home she’d have one or two boxes of wine. Tommy took a bite of one pop tart and he felt sick, Tommy didn’t know what it was but something in his mind was telling him not to eat it. “Tommy, you okay?”Wilbur asked and Tommy shrugged. “Pop tarts are way too sugary for breakfast,” Tommy said, tipping his plate into the bin. “I’ll get something to munch on later, boss man.”Tommy took a sip of apple juice and started on his chores.

Dusting the walls, skirting boards, paintings, etc. Wiping down furniture and mopping the floor, Tommy sighed in defeat. Johanna wouldn’t notice if Tommy ripped the chore list a bit, right? Tommy ripped it in half just a few chores, put the ripped part in his pockets and did the rest of the chores. Tommy heard the front door open, and Tommy dried his hands from the dishes.

“Hello?”Tommy asked, and he saw Mark. “Tommy, hey.”Mark smiled. Tommy muted himself on the discord call. “I thought you were at work?”Tommy questioned, his hands drying one of Johanna’s wine glasses. “No, no, not yet.”Mark laughed and shook his head. “I was actually at the doctor's office, Tommy I want you to go to therapy.”Mark smiled sweetly, trying to draw Tommy into the idea of it. “What, no?”Tommy chuckled, laughing in mockery. “That for kids who cut themselves, I wouldn’t wanna take up the waiting list for someone who actually needs psychiatric help.”Tommy sighed softly, now putting the glasses away. “Tommy, your pare-“ “are dead.”Tommy cut him off and shrugged. “I’m over it, Mark.” Tommy smiled in reassurance, and Mark was shocked. “Tommy, you cried in my arms last night over your parents in a dream calling you a murderer,” Mark spoke back in retaliation. “I always have nightmares, it’s nothing new!”Tommy rolled his eyes. “I once had a nightmare of my dog barking at me in bark language calling me a murderer because he got hit by a car after I took his leash off and he ran off.”Tommy ended the conversation. “I appreciate your concern, Mark.” Tommy picked up his phone and started walking up the stairs. “Tommy, I just want what’s best for you!”

Tommy unmuted himself as he calmed down. Tommy heard the front door shut, and he sighed. He didn’t need therapy! He was a big man.

Tommy streamed for a bit, laughing and having a good time. “Alright, Tubbo!”Tommy shouted down his mic. “Tubbo, pay attention to me!”Tommy laughed loudly as the older mocked him. Tommy ended the stream, and just went downstairs for some water, excusing himself from the call.

Tommy noticed Johanna was home, he had heard the front door open and he knew it wasn’t Mark, he went to work after their chat.

Tommy walked downstairs and Johanna was already drinking wine, so typical.

“Tommy, I took a photo of what chores were to be done today.”Johanna took an ominous sip of her wine, and Tommy felt a shiver run down his spine. “Why are four of those chores missing, Thomas?”She looked Tommy in the eyes. “I don’t know?”Tommy lied. Johanna laughed and walked towards Tommy. Johanna slapped the teen right across his cheek and chucked some of her wine at the boy. Tommy’s mouth hung open in pure shock. “I’m not your slave, Johanna!”Tommy yelled, his voice booming and loud. Johanna, who had turned her back on the boy snapped to look at the boy. “Your mother, my husband’s sister, was a whore!”Johanna shouted back, slamming her hand down on the kitchen counter. Tommy flinched harshly. “Do you know what that makes you Tommy? a bastard!”Johanna slapped him again and Tommy rubbed his cheek. “You bitch!”Tommy snapped and ran upstairs. Tommy was fuming, and he huffed in his chair and crossed his arms.

“Tom, you okay?”Wilbur asked, the call must’ve picked up the commotion. “Yeah, just got in a bit of a fight with my Aunt.”Tommy tried to hide his face when he turned the face cam on. “Tommy, why is your cheek red?”Tubbo asked and Tommy shrugged. “I’m just wound up from the fight,” Tommy responded and acted like he had things to do, busying himself around his room to hide his face. “Tom, let’s play bedwars!”Wil said and Tommy shook his head. “Nah guys I actually got to go, talk later.”Tommy ended the call and lay down in bed.

“Tom, uh…”Mark walked in, and Tommy looked at him. His bruised face looked at him. “Tommy, Jesus! What happened?”Mark cupped Tommy's face. “Johanna hit me.”Tommy pouted and Mark’s eyes widened. Tommy pulled away from the man’s touch. “And not for the first time.”Tommy looked at the floor, “she’s slapped me before…”Tommy shrugged and Mark hugged him. “I’m sorry, I’ll talk to her.” “DON’T!”Tommy yelled, his face in worry. “Please don’t.”Tommy looked at the floor and Mark nodded hesitantly. “Okay, okay.”Mark nodded a bit quicker, and he left. Announcing dinner would be soon.

Tommy's mind went back to feeling sick about food.

So he lied, saying he felt sick. Mark believed him and Tommy sat down at his desk. It was gonna be his birthday soon, he was gonna be sixteen… he could get a proper job, that’d be nice. There’s a quaint little flower shop with a coffee shop in it. That seemed calm and relaxing.

Tommy started editing a few videos, humming to music from his headset. Wait, he was gonna be sixteen in a week, his first birthday without his family. Tommy frowned as he put his legs up on his chair, editing away. Okay, okay Tommy was fine, his parents were dead. Tommy could do nothing about it like
Johanna said. Johanna’s always right.

Chapter Text

it was nights like these that Tommy never believed in God. He was laying down on the rug, listening to music through his headphones, curled up.

He couldn't sleep, it was another night of nightmares. He had fairy lights on and his duvet under him, a duvet on top of him, a pillow under his head and a video playing on his laptop. He missed his mum and dad a lot, it was one of those recurring thoughts. You know the one where you can't shake it, it's always there. Looming ominously in the back of your mind, ready to make you upset.

Tommy felt his eyes droop, his breath was slowing and getting heavier, he hoped he was falling asleep, he wanted to at least sleep for a bit. Tommy felt his phone buzz. A simple notification said ‘Wilbur 01:34: do you think tom’s asleep?’
Two more notifications following.

He was too tired to care really, he set his phone back down, watching a hardcore Minecraft video. His phone kept buzzing.

SBI: 24 unread messages

Phil: he hasn't responded I think he's asleep

Tommy: too tired to respond

Techno 01:45: Jesus Tommy, go to sleep.

Wilbur: are you sleepy?
Wilbur! Awwwwwww is the baby sleepyyyyy?

Tommy: fuck up
Tommy: I'm exhausted
Tommy 01:46:im so tired
Tommy: cannot sleep at all

Phil: is there anything bad on your mind?

Tommy: sort of but I don’t like talking about it

Wilbur: maybe you need to get it off your chest?

Techno 01:47: c’mon Toms

Tommy: no
Tommy: listen guys I just wanna try and sleep it's only one am I have plenty of time to fall asleep

Wilbur: don’t you have school tomorrow?

Tommy: oh uh no
Tommy 01:48: teacher training

Techno: now that you mention it Tommy never mentions school

Tommy: I haven’t been in for a bit, I had to change schools since my mum and dad yk

Phil 01:50: abroad
Phil: okay mate but get some sleep, don’t stay up all night.

Wilbur: goodnight toms!

Techno: sleep well toms

Tommy closed his phone again, resting his head on the scattered pillows, he sighed, eyes drooping lower, and his vision blurred as he sighed.

Tommy was back on the sidewalk, he knew what this was.

He closed his eyes and opened them again, but he was in the car this time, not with his parents, but with the drunk driver.

“Hey man,” Tommy panted, trying to tug the bottle out of the man’s hands. “Why don't we pull over, you look a bit tipsy,” Tommy panicked, he didn't want to die, maybe if he stopped the crash in his dream he’d wake up and his mum would be setting toast on his bedside table.

“C’mon man, there's a red light-” Tommy looked straight ahead, seeing his parent's car pulling out as he braced himself, a loud crash, a few stumbles and dread.

Tommy woke up with a loud gasp, sweat dripping from his face, YouTube was still playing on his laptop, and he was still on the floor, but it was four am. He choked down sobs, reaching for the glass of water on his bedside table, a's gulping it down.

Tommy felt his back ache as wiped his tears, closing his laptop and setting it on the desk, he picked up his pillows and blankets, throwing them on the bed.

Tommy climbed into the covers, head feeling light and floaty.
-

-

Two nights without sleep was bad enough, but for three...? And on a school night? Tommy sighed as he got up for school in what seemed like forever.

Tommy walked into the bathroom, looked into the mirror and he gasped. His eyes had dark, purple, black eye bags with red veins running through them, he looked like a maniac, and his eyes were red. He also looked quite high.

Tommy walked downstairs and he heard his uncle hiss, “Gotten any sleep, Tommy?”Mark lifted Tommy's chin and looked at the boy's face. “I can't, I think I need to see the doctor,” Tommy groaned, looking away and then walking away from the man, grabbing a box of cereal from the counter. “I’ll call the doctor, be ready in thirty minutes” Mark hummed softly in amusement. “Johanna has concealer that’s not her shade in our room, take it I'm sure she won't mind,”

Tommy put on the concealer, and walking back downstairs.

“Have a good day, Tommy!”Mark said as he dropped Tommy at the school gates. “I’m kinda,” Tommy fiddled with some loose threads on his jacket. “Nervous?”Mark finished for him. “Yeah, super nervous,” Tommy frowned, looking at his uncle. “Call me if you need anything,” Mark held his hand tightly. “Reception is down there, go to the office, say your name, get directions to your form, and you’ll be fine,” Mark spoke softly, in a comforting manner as he ruffled Tommy’s hair. “Anything at all, anyone says your hair looks weird or something, call me.” Mark smiled warmly, and Tommy's nerves seemed to calm just a bit. “Okay,” Tommy nodded, grabbing his bag. “Love you,” Mark waved. “Love you too,” Tommy said as he got out of the car, swinging his bag around his shoulder.

“Thomas Simons?”The receptionist asked. “Yeah,” Tommy nodded, readjusting his bag. “Alright, you're in the English block, your form teacher is Mrs Morgan, room 321, right up that staircase and then take q right, then a left and it should be on the left. It's the final door before the doors to the science block,” The lady gave him a few bits of paper. “Your two schedules are on that piece of paper, weeks one and two. Here is your pe uniform and, oh!”The receptionist raised a finger. “No jackets on inside, take it off and into your bag, please. Wear it only outside,” Tommy nodded, taking the blazer off and then his jacket. “Have a good day, Thomas.”She finished it off and Tommy smiled. “Now go before the bell goes off!”She did a shooing motion with her hands. “Thank you!”Tommy ran up to the staircase.

Tommy opened the door to the form class awkwardly, stepping in and walking up to the teacher’s desk. “Hello, you must be Thomas.”She smiled warmly, she seemed pleasant enough. Tommy nodded.

“Okay, 10A!”Miss Morgan called out. “This is your new classmate, Thomas!”She gestured to Tommy. “Uhh, hi my name’s Tommy,” Tommy anxiously played with the straps on his bag.

Miss Morgan gestured to take a seat beside a pretty girl, girls around him surrounded him and bombarded him with questions. “Is that your natural hair?” “do you prefer being called Tommy?” “are you single?” “do you have a girlfriend?” “I love your eyes, did you know how blue they are?” “are you from town, or did you move?” were some of the questions Tommy was getting overwhelmed by. The girl he sat next to introduced herself as Em. “Let me see your timetable,” She took it from him and glanced over it. “You’re in all my classes, I can help you get there,” She hummed as she gave it back. “Hey, lad,” A man said this time as Tommy attempted to say hi back.

He doesn't know how school will turn out for him..

Chapter Text

It was the fifth day of school.

Tommy was exhausted.

Tommy felt sick.

Tommy was sick.

His head ached, his eyes burned from no sleep, and his body shivered as he pulled himself under his covers, his alarm blaring in his ear. “Tom!”He heard his punched footsteps approach his door. “Tom, up!” his uncle yanked the blankets off of Tommy playfully. “You feel alright, Tom?”Mark asked, brushing Tommy’s greasy hair out of his face. Tommy’s pained expression on his face answered for him. “Yep, no school for you today Bud,” Mark laughed softly, comforting Tommy softly. Tommy nodded, eyes glancing up at Mark. “Exhausted,” Tommy murmured, frowning. “Tired,” Tommy groaned, letting his head relax on the pillow a bit more. “I called the doctors, but they don't have an appointment for you until the 8th of December,” Tommy pouted, his sleep was just gone. He looked like a zombie, with eyes sluggish and eye bags as purple and black as well...the colours. He was exhausted. “Try and get some rest Kiddo,” Mark ruffled the boy’s hair again.

‘No, I cannot get some rest.’ Tommy's mind whined as he closed his eyes, hoping for some sort of sleep.

The last thing Tommy wanted today was for Johanna to ask him to do chores. “Tom, chores!” Johanna opened his bedroom door “instead of laying in bed all day,” She grimaced. “I'm too fired,” Tommy wanted to scream, he would've screamed if he had the energy. “Too lazy, you mean.” Johanna attempted to correct it. “I'm sick, Johanna, I have insomnia and I'm exhausted please just...”Tommy tried not to seem rude but she seemed to take offence. She huffed, stomping out of his room and slamming the bedroom door shut, Tommy's ears rang and his head launched into a louder, more painful, and agonising headache. “Fuck,” Tommy struggled, holding his head as he started crying.

The crying made his head hurt worse.

Tommy hiccupped, his eyes burning, head aching, body shivering, mental agony, and vomit bubbling up in his throat. Tommy was about to be sick, he scramble out of bed and into the bathroom, puking up his guts as he cried and cried.

Tommy lay on the floor of the shower for...how long was it?

His clothes were soaked, he was soaked and the music on his phone kept playing loudly.

His phone rang a few times, but mostly it was just music, the tapping of water on the floor of the shower, and soft sobs. Tommy quietly hoped he’d die there, he was too drained to deal with this torture of life anymore. Tommy let himself get pelted by the water, scalding hot water burning his skin.

Tommy let himself cuddle into himself, eyes closing, lulling himself into a nap-like state.

Bu the time Tommy pulled himself together, he’d slept for a few minutes before the water turned freezing and he jolted awake. Tommy dried off, damp clothes still hugging his body. It was 5:36 pm, Johanna and the kids were at after-school activities and Mark was still working.

He was meant to be streaming.
Oh shit, he was meant to be streaming.
Oh golly good gosh gosh, he was meant to be streaming.

Well,
Did he care?

No, of course, he wouldn't.

He was too caught up in his own misery and as Tommy plopped down on his bed he got some proper hours of sleep finally after... A week?

Chapter Text

Tommy stared at the expression in the mirror, his face was droopy, his eye bags were worse, his shoulders and back slumped, lips pouting and a sense of grief hung around his demeanour.

Tommy stared at the reusable razor in the shower.

‘Therapy is for kids who cut themselves, I’d rather keep the waitlist for kids who need it,’

How ironic.

Tommy took the razor and snapped it open, a razor blade inside of it.

He flipped over the razor, popping the blade into his hand and he set it on the counter of the bathroom. He was starting to panic, fear shivering down his spine, as he leaned on the counter. Tears started leaking from his eyes, was he about to hurt himself?

Tommy tried to stop thinking, he pinched the blade, pressing it against his arm and swiping.

A disgusting, bubbly and yellow colour popped out, and blood started to drop from his arm, his eyes widened and he leaned his arm over the sink.

‘Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit’

Tommy’s chest heaved and he grabbed some toilet paper, wrapped it up and held pressure on the cut, he opened the mirror cabinet, grabbed the first aid kit and opened the small pouch with shaky hands.

‘Why not just go further? You've already messed up enough,”

Tommy dismissed the thought the best he could as he wrapped up his cut, but as he paid attention to his feelings more he realised, and he felt relieved, he felt happy almost...

That's when he picked up the blade again.

Tommy went to his room in a strangely good mood, he was bouncy and floaty as he logged onto his PC.

“Hello boys,” Tommy laughed as he joined vc.

“Tommy, you missed the stream yesterday, you had us worried!”Wilbur exclaimed, Tommy could practically see him expressing himself with his hands. “Sorry, I just- was sleeping.”Tommy lied, well he wasn't lying per say, He fell asleep in the shower for like a few minutes. “Finally getting some sleep then?”Techno hummed and Tommy chuckled softly. “And I feel great,” Tommy melted into the feeling of his self-sabotage, cutting off his feelings, cutting himself, lying to his friends, and he knew he could fall deep into a spiral but if he was in control, he could look after himself. One cut at a time.

“Are you doing okay?”Phil asked, Tommy could hear him smiling. “We haven't heard from you for a bit,” Phil finished. Tommy laughed. “Yes, I've been holding up great, been getting little snippets of sleep. I got a full night's sleep just a few days ago,” Tommy bragged, “hey, wanna do a stream?”Tommy asked and he pulled up Minecraft on a different tab. “Yes!”Wilbur excitedly yelled and Techno grunted in response. “Sure,” Phil said.

“Tommy, that was so rude!”
“Tommy, you're being obnoxious!”
“Tommy, why are you so loud?”

Those comments make Tommy feel miserable sometimes, but with a new way to cope instead of moping around being miserable, he could feel better, amazing even.

“Listen, guys, it's getting a bit late, it’s ten pm for me and even later for you guys, don't you think we should head off?”Techno asked and Wilbur hummed quietly. “Yeah,” Wilbur yawned and Phil chuckled tiredly. “You heading off Tommy?”Phil asked. “I'm not that tired, I'll stay up for a bit. Goodnight, dickheads.” “Good night, Tommy!” “Don't stay up too late, mate!” “night Toms!”

3 am:

“chat, I am a motherfucking dinosaur”
“Chat, I'm a zebra.”
“CHAT I WANT TO CRY,”

4 am:

“Chat Tubbo once called me a wanker and I nearly died from crying”
“My head hurts,”
“Guys this is the first time when I can't sleep I do not feel mopey and miserable!”
“Yes I probably do have insomnia chat but the doctors won't have an appointment until like December of this year and that's almost 8 months away?”

5 am:

“Holy cow holy mother fucker of a fucker fuckering cow,”
“Whenthesunshinesweshinetogethertoldyoui’dbehereforeversaidi’dalwaysbeyourfriend”
“youmakemeglow”
“Loadupongunsbringyourfriendsitsfuntoolooseandtopretend”

6 am:

“Mamajustkilledamanputagunagainsthisheadpulledmytriggernowhe'sdead,”
“Guys I love you all so much you're all so fucking cool,”

7 am:

An alarm went off as Tommy kept humming some random songs and building random buildings in Minecraft. “Oh shit, I have school...”Tommy panicked as he jumped up from his desk chair, made his bed look slept in and when he stepped out of his room, switched on miserable mode as he dragged himself to Mark’s office. The man was undoubtedly working by 6 am in the office in the shed.

“Mark?”Tommy choked, trying to make his voice sound dry and itchy as he opened the door. “Tommy, are you sick again?”Mark frowned. “Did you sleep any?”He asked and Tommy shook his head. “Go back to your room, try and get some sleep.”He murmured, Tommy, smiling thankfully. “Back to school as soon as you can though,” He warned playfully and Tommy nodded.

“Guys I’m gonna head to bed now, I'm ‘sick” Tommy coughed dramatically and he smiled. “Bye, guys!”

Tommy fell onto his bed, pulling up the sheets as he began to feel drowsy, his eyes falling shut as he laid his head against the pillows, got into a comfortable position and fell asleep.

“Thomas Simons, come down here and do some fucking chores!”Johanna yelled as soon as Mark left for his work.

Tommy felt miserable as he woke up, eyes glancing at the bathroom with the razor in it.
Maybe, just maybe.

Chapter Text

Tommy," Wilbur scolded as Tommy joined the call. "You said you'd go to bed early," Wilbur huffed, and Tommy giggled. "I can't sleep, Wil. You know this, sometimes it's not just dragging myself around like I'm going crazy; sometimes the night just goes by and I don't realize," Tommy chuckled, smirking as he did some homework. "And you're pretending to be sick," Techno added, and Tommy hummed. "I know, I just did." "I wasn't feeling it," Tommy murmured; he was letting his friends down, wasn't he? He was all a big mistake; he was so loud and obscene, and he was always ruining jokes. Maybe he should make himself feel better with some cuts.

‘no,’

Tommy sighed. That one little mishap of self-harm was just that. A mishap, nothing was going to happen again, and he’ll figure it out himself.

That's what he told himself at the moment, but now he was standing over the sink with a single tear running down his cheek and some blood trailing down into the sink. Tommy stifled a sob, covering his mouth with his hand, and his head hung low.

"Tommy? You've been in there for a while," Mark attempted to open the bathroom door, but the lock made it difficult. "Uh, yeah, one second." Tommy pulled his sleeve down and washed away the blood in the sink.

"Have you been crying?" Mark held Tommy's face as Tommy walked into the hall. "No, I was just throwing some water on my face, and it got in my eyes." Tommy rubbed his nose, and Mark shook his head. "Tommy, have you thought about what I said?" Mark tried to hug the younger, but Tommy quickly ducked away, and he looked away. "No, I don't need it." "Tommy, I found a missing razor; you're wearing a white shirt." Mark gestured to the sleeves, and Tommy’s eyes widened. "It's the design," Tommy blurted out. "No, Tom-Tom!" Mark shouted after the boy, Tommy, who ran down the hall into his room, shutting the door with a quiet sob.

He’d only done it twice; how’d Mark find out already?

—

"Sorry to interrupt your class, sir, but may I just grab Tommy for a moment?" The counselor walked in, and Tommy furrowed his brows as he stood up and swung his bag onto his shoulder. "Bye, Em," Tommy whispered as Em smiled at him with a small wave.

He and Em became close; she was the only friend Tommy had, one that didn’t try to turn him into a roadman or chav, convincing themselves they were "in love" with him.

Em was sweet; she helped him fit in a bit, and she even volunteered to move away from her friends to sit beside Tommy in all their classes. Tommy was glad to have a friend like her.

"So, Tommy, uhhhhhh..." She glanced over at her notes. "I’m Miss O'Neill, okay?" She smiled a bit too wide for the tension that hung in the air. "What am I doing here?" Tommy cringed, her hands gripping a cup of tea.

"Tommy, your parents are worried about..."

"They’re not my parents," Tommy sighed, rolling his eyes as he corrected her. "They're my legal guardians, sure, but they're not my parents." He rolled his eyes; Miss O'Neill seemed a bit taken aback, but she cleared her throat and nodded. "Well, your Guardians are worried about you," she said, pausing.

"Tommy, have you ever self-harmed?"

"What, no!" Tommy exclaimed. He huffed, crossed his arms, and looked at the floor in a mood. "That is an outrageous accusation." Tommy always used his best vocabulary when he was angry. "I am appalled you would even ask that," Tommy furrowed his brows angrily, looking at the floor out of spite. "Can I go back to class?" Tommy looked at the lady. "Tommy, we have to get a confession out of you." She shook her head. "What? You can't keep me here; I'm going back to class." Tommy was about to stand up, but she was quicker, and she sat Tommy back down on the seat.

It had been two hours by the time they finally gave up and called Mark. Tommy was due to go home now.

"Home, please," Tommy said as soon as they got in the car. "Tommy, come on. Just confess it before it progresses. We’ll get you help before it gets too bad!" Tommy rolled his eyes. "I don’t cut myself." Tommy crossed his arms. "End of discussion," Tommy turned up the radio, Mark’s sympathetic eyes staring at him the entire ride home.

"Tommy, what do you want to eat?" Mark asked, and they walked inside the house. "I'm not hungry," Tommy lied. He was hungry. Starving even but the thought of food, eugh! The thought made dry vomit tingle up his throat. "Tommy, you're eating something." He warned, and Tommy rolled his eyes. "Toast," Tommy spat. "Tommy, just tell us," Mark huffed. "I’ve already told you, so no, I’m not saying, "Yes, I cut myself!' Because I don’t, I’m not even saying yes because I want you to lay off and I'm not letting you have the satisfaction of it," Tommy scoffed, and he shook his head angrily. Tommy was halfway out of the room before Mark cleared his throat.

"Your parents would be ashamed that you're being dishonest."

Tommy halted, his breath hitching, and his brows furrowed in absolute distaste for the man who was meant to be supporting him—the man was using his parent's death as a weapon.

"Excuse me?" Tommy chuckled lowly, and turning around to face the man, Mark’s facial features hardened. "I said that your parents would be ashamed that you're being dishonest."

The anger made Tommy want to be sick; he was furious—no, he was more than that—he was seething with anger.

"I hate you," Tommy simply hummed, looking at Mark with such a blank expression that it took the man aback. "Never try to use my parent’s deaths to guilt-trip me ever again, or I swear to God," Tommy spat, his eyes so full of fury that they could turn red. "They won’t be the only ones dead," Tommy stomped out of the room, flying up the stairs in such a daze that he didn’t hear Mark on the phone to the doctors already.

"Crazy,"

"He definitely needs psychiatric help."

"Thank you,"

Tommy heard some little snippets of the phone call, but he didn’t have words to describe his anger.

He did blatantly threaten his uncle; maybe that was a step too far, and cussing that teacher out, and... oh well, whatever, nevermind.

This was all his fault, wasn’t it?

Tommy’s breath quickened, and he stomped into the bathroom, slamming the door.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Tommy lifted up his bottle of shampoo, saw the tiny razor below it, and grabbed it.

Denting it into his skin, Tommy took a deep breath and ripped it backward, his breath hitching, and he heard blood trickle into the sink before he opened his eyes.

Tommy gagged; the disgusting yellow skin layer was back, but it was so deep, it was like mushy, moist, and sickly; Tommy's stomach flipped as he shook his head.

He watched the glistening blood trickle away into the drain. He reached for the medicine cabinet, opening it and grabbing the small first aid pouch, opening it with one hand.

Blood oozed from the cut; it seemed like the yellow color was popping out of the cut. Tommy’s mind wandered as he hesitantly moved a finger towards it, changing his mind of course, but it looked almost pleasant now. If he didn’t get this layer, he would be faking, wouldn’t he?

The blood started clotting, and Tommy sighed as the pain started to increase; he furrowed his brows and reached for the pouch again, and he put a pad of gauze on it; the blood, of course, started seeping, so he put two, then four, and then seven; he wrapped some bandages around it, finishing it off with a Hello Kitty plaster (there was no bandage tape).

He cleaned up the gorey sight, pocketing the blade and putting the pouch back into the cabinet, then washing away the blood.

Tommy went into his room, changed into comfortable clothes, opened his computer, ready to stream, plastering a fake smile on his face, and before he could press the ‘go live’ button, Mark came into the room.

"Tommy," Mark said, and Tommy scoffed.

"You’re grounded,"

"Just because you’re my guardian doesn’t mean you can ground me; you’re trying to parent me and my parents are dead, dipshit, so fuck off," Tommy shook his head, and Mark’s mouth hung open. "You’ve got one attitude on you today."

"Maybe if you weren’t a dick and pressuring me to confess to something I didn’t do, then rant about me on the phone and say I’m crazy," Tommy huffed. "I would be in a better mood,"

"There’s no lying out of this, Tommy!" Mark shouted, and Tommy jumped—at least two feet.

"Tommy!"  Johanna yelled and Tommy cried; his body ached from running around the house all day and cleaning.

"You useless boy!" She slapped him around the face, and Tommy curled up into a tight ball. He didn’t like this; he was useless. He has literally never been treated this way in his life. His parents got angry when he didn’t do chores, sure, but they never beat him or even yelled. They’d just have a talk with him, putting their foot down when needed, but never this.

Tommy sobbed in a ball as she yelled curse after curse and yell after yell, even kicking him sometimes.

Tommy whimpered; he didn’t even realize Mark was bent down beside him, whispering comforts and apologies; he was too focused on panic, panic, panic.

Tommy sobbed into Mark's chest, and the man holding him held him like a kicked puppy.

Tommy hiccuped, and Mark rubbed his back comfortingly, shushing the frightened boy. "You’re okay, you’re okay," He whispered in Tommy’s ear, and Tommy shook his head. "No," Tommy murmured through his cries, and Mark closed his eyes, leaning into Tommy to pull him closer.

"I’m sorry,"

Chapter Text

Tommy slept through the weekend, he woke up refreshed and he instantly bathed in the sleepy comforting mood he was in. He sighed, shutting his eyes again and he curled up into a warm ball, blankets coiling around his feet and warmth radiating his body, he liked when he just woke up, no daily responsibilities had hit him yet, no busy movements, a sunrise coloured the room a nice yellow.

Tommy checked the time on his phone.
It was only 05:23 and he closed his eyes again, drifting in and out of a sleep, and he smiled when he could feel a small lump at the end of the bed, the family’s cat, curled up like he was.

"Good morning,"Tommy hummed as he stretched his back, joining the discord vc and he smiled. "Hi,"Wilbur seemed agitated. "Wilbur, are you okay?"Tommy pouted, he could just sense the sort of anger that hung in the call, Tommy shuffled uncomfortably. "You missed another stream, no actually you missed three,"Wilbur spat, huffing at the younger boy. "I-" "Tommy, I’m so pissed,"Tubbo’s irritated voice rang in his ears, and Techno And Phil continued the pure anger. "Guys-"Tommy tried to intervene but his voice just broke. "Tommy don’t even try to victimise yourself, our streams were ruined, should we just not make stream plans? Let YOU decide when or not you’d like to stream?"Techno huffed, Tommy sobbed at the disappointment in his voice. "Tommy, Wait shit are you crying?"Wilbur asked, his voice quickly got sympathetic. "no,"Tommy choked, rubbing away his tears, he opened his desk drawer to get the blade. "Tommy I mean, shit we’re sorry, we never let you explain,"Techno urged the boy to go on. "No you guys are right, I’ll just go I’m, I’m I mean I’m so fuckin’ sorry, I never should’ve fuckin’ blow you guys off I’m an arsehole-"Tommy babbled shaking his head as he rolled up his arm sleeve. "Tommy, no please,"Wilbur begged as he left the call.

Wilbur 09:12:Tommy
Wilbur: we"re sorry

Tommy: nah big man. it’s alr
Tommy 09:13: You guys were right.
Tommy 09:17:  I love you guys, sorry.

——

"Tommy?" Johanna sang, and Tommy sighed. "Yes?" He asked, and she smirked softly. "Let’s play a little game, shall we?" She was obviously drunk, and Tommy didn’t feel like playing her ‘game." "Uh, Johanna." I have a bit of... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK JOHANNA?!?"

——

Tommy curled up in his dad’s hoodie, sobbing as Johanna smirked at him in the doorway. "Such a good boy, Toms," she sang, and Tommy sobbed harder, playing with the sleeves of his hoodie, pain aching every limb in his body as he hesitated to pick up his phone and join the call with his friends, who just shouted at him less than an hour ago.

Tommy sat crying in his bed, choking and hiccupping on his own cries, tears and snot leaking down his face as he desperately rubbed at his arms, hurting the 50-minute-old cuts and scratching at the five scars he had, pinching and scabbing them.

He ended up joining the VC.
Tubbo had left, Techno was deafened and probably asleep, and Phil was streaming and deafened.’Wilbur was free.

"Oh, Tom! We--"
"Wil," Tommy’s voice cracked; he was amazed he could even speak without the simple word becoming a babbled mess. "Tommy?" Wilbur gasped, Tommy heard some shuffles on Wilbur’s end of the call, and Tommy just broke down even harder in response. "Tommy, is this about earlier?" "Sort of," Tommy bawled. "But, like, there's other fucking shit," Tommy choked out."Tommy, what happened?" Tommy just shattered, unable to speak anymore as he just came undone in front of Wilbur, the older man comforting the teenage boy. "oh sunshine,"

"Oh, sunshine," Tommy’s mother smiled, "I don’t care about what that silly test says; you’re 11 and you can’t do GCSE work in primary, and your teacher is getting a very strongly worded email because Nobdoy makes my sunshine come home, upset and disappointed in himself."

God fucking damn it.

—

Tommy didn’t know how he was in the bathroom, with blood everywhere and his own blood still pooling out of his arms, and he shook; he was so cold, he just sat and cried until he couldn't see anymore; he had even puked from crying so hard, and he found himself clambering inside the shower, still fully clothed, as he turned the water tap on, the cold instantly hitting him as he sighed, warm water pooling onto his face as he yelped, water splashing into the cuts as he curled into a shaken hug, tears and blood mixing with the warm, orange-coloured water as he just lay in it.

Tommy heard the front door close, and he was left alone in the house at a time like this, at a time when he was so fragile, crumbling into nothing, literally dust. He was absolutely shattered as he sat broken and crying to himself, his body freezing, and he was just ready to give up and start over. He wanted a complete redo of life, and he was ready.

But Wilbur, Phil, Techno, Tubbo, fans...
Was it worth staying in a draining life of pain for the rest of his life instead of just letting go?

The smell of iron infiltrated his nose; his body was limp, lying in his own pool of blood water, eyes stinging and throat raw, lungs barely capable of a breath.

He tried to stand up, instantly falling back down from pure exhaustion as he attempted to get up again, but of course, his body fell slack and he heard the front door open, a pair of feet running out of the chair, and the bathroom door being jiggled open.

"Tommy!" Mark gasped and he ran to hold the soaked and bloody boy. Tommy’s mind was turned off at this point, only capable of leaning into the comfort of the older male, bruises that weren’t there before now inflicting pain all over his body and cuts on his arms, as he felt Mark bring a towel over him. "Shit Tommy, we’ve got to take you to A&E no fuck that; I’m calling an ambulance, Tommy, you’re bleeding out," Tommy begged incoherent pleas, refusing the help repeatedly. His mind was not his own anymore, and his body was not his own either. "Hello, yeah, ambulance please," Mark murmured, and Tommy babbled on and on, telling him to hang up; he’d scream if he could, but unfortunately...

"It’s okay, Tommy, you’re okay, oh, Tommy," Mark cradled the bloodied boy. "Tommy, did you do this after Johanna left?" "Johanna, mhhh," Tommy groaned; the lights seemed to burn him. "Touched...me," he coughed out, and he was ready to drop off to sleep. "Tommy, what- I mean-?" "She raped me," Tommy saw the man’s face just turn to absolute distraught; his wife was being accused of rape by her nephew, whom he had just found crying in the shower, arms with deep cuts and blood all over him.

"Ambulance!" He heard multiple pairs of shuffling and heavy footsteps as they ran up the stairs. "Tommy, do not go to sleep. Tommy, do not... clo-close your eyes." Tommy heard muffled voices, his eyes dropping shut.

"I never should’ve let up on him," Mark’s voice woke Tommy up. "I should’ve been harder on him because if I got that confession, this could’ve been avoided." Tommy stared up at the burning fluorescent lights, which were causing an agonising headache. Tommy groaned, and a police officer seemed to take notice of that. "Hey, he’s awake," and a doctor and a nurse decided it was a good idea to flash lights in his eyes. "Ouch! Stop you arsehole!!"Tommy frowned, and the doctor smiled softly. "Sorry Thomas, listen, you said something about your aunt, and the police are here to talk about it. Are you up for it?" The doctor hummed, and Tommy huffed, nodding his head weakly. "Alright, we’ll leave for now. Let you have some privacy."

"Hi Thomas, my name is Officer Galves and this is Officer Gallagher. When you were at your house, you announced a very concerning statement, Tommy, do you remember what you said?" Galves asked, and Tommy nodded; his head was blurry but he remembered some parts. "She raped me," Tommy’s voice was itchy and sore, and he pulled up the blanket that Mark had of course grabbed from his bedroom around him. "Tommy, you have to be absolutely sure about this, but we need a proper, full statement before we can file it and question her; can you tell us what happened?" Gallgher ruffled his hair softly, and Tommy wiped a small tear away. His arms were in thick bandages, almost like a cast.

"I was upset because my friends were angry at me; I was crying." Tommy shook his head softly, and he closed his eyes, trying to remember the memory. "And Johanna walked in, and she kissed me, but, I just sort of blacked out, it was too-" Tommy sobbed, and he cradled his knees. "Hey, hey Tommy, we understand, but you need to tell us what happened next." "I woke up feeling numb and I was in my bed; I was clothed, but it was different clothes from what I had on when Johanna walked in; then it got too much and that’s why I’m here, I guess,"Tommy spat out quickly, wanting this to be over. "That explains the marks on your body, apart from the," Gales just gestured to his arms. "Thank you, Tommy, you're very brave,"Gallagher smiled warmly, and Tommy’s bottom lip turned into a pout. "It’s the first time she's ever touched me like that, but that isn’t exactly the first time she’s hurt me physically or mentally," Tommy gulped, and the officers wrote that down. "Thank you, Tommy, thank you for that," Gallagher held his hand. "Your uncle should come back in soon."

When Tommy woke up, he was at home, cuddled up in his duvet, with a glass of water and some pills beside his bed. He noticed the time was five in the morning, and he jumped up as he realised that he had missed another stream.

Tommy 05:12: guys I’m so fucking sorry.
Tommy: No, please don’t even text back. I’m as disappointed in myself as you are.
Tommy I was in the hospital and I was asleep all day. I’m so sorry.
Tommy: I was too exhausted to even realise I was being brought home.

Technoblade 05:15: I’m the only one awake. Tommy
Technoblade: They’re just upset, but you haven’t been taking care of yourself, and we threw that away because of our selfishness.
Technoblade: You’ve just woken up at five in the morning and apologised to us for being in the hospital, man.
Techno Blade 05:17: We love you, Tommy; go back to bed.

Tommy: I love you too.

Tommy fell asleep once more, his eyes closing and his dreary eyes resting as he heard his door creak open."Tommy? Mark came in and pulled the blankets over his nephew. "I'm going to sleep again now; I just woke up," Mark grabbed the water and the paracetamol, motioning for Tommy to open his mouth. "You were complaining about migraines at the hospital," Mark hummed, and Tommy took the pills with a lot of trouble as he drank the water as well. "Why are you awake?" Tommy asked the elder, and Mark shook his head. "Was too worried about you," Mark ruffled the boy’s hair. "Goodnight, tommy I love you." "I love you too, Mark. I’m sorry for saying I hate you," Tommy sniffled, and Mark smiled softly. "I knew you never meant it,"

Chapter Text

Tommy woke up feeling tired and icky, he closed his eyes again, drowsiness drowning him in a messy duvet. “Tommy, school!” Mark shouted, and Tommy groaned, he wanted the mattress to swallow him whole, let him just float away through the floor boards, let him disappear, let him not do anything for anyone, let him do nothing for eternity just rest, rest rest rest. He wanted the pillows to suffocate him, he wanted the closet to grab him and hide him away if he went to open it. “Tommy!”Mark repeated himself. “Do I have to go?”Tommy questioned back and there was silence for a few minutes. “No, I’ll let you have the week or so off since it’s Easter break but then back to school after the break, okay?” He responded, and Tommy sighed in relief as he heard his cousin's footsteps hurry. Violet stressed because Mark didn’t know how to do her hair, Vincent brushing his teeth with a cotton swab with his shirt inside out and the buttons on it majestically done up.

Tommy never should’ve told anyone about what Johanna did to him.
Her kids need their mother, Mark needs his wife, and they all need each other.

Tommy had to ruin it all, didn’t he?

She’d be back, her court date isn’t until two months away and they’re unable to hold her, so she’ll be back in a few days. Tommy dreaded it, he nearly dropped dead on the spot after hearing about it.

Tommy slept all day, he was so exhausted and he was actually so happy for his mental distraught that let him sleep. Tommy let himself scramble into his desk chair, logging in and booting up Discord. “Hey guys, ready for the stream?”Tommy’s voice was tired and strained. “Tommy, we don’t have to stream go back to bed,”Wilbur ushered him. “No, no I’ve flaked too many times, I’m trying not to be an arsehole okay?” “No really Tommy, you don’t sound well,” Tubbo interfered, and Tommy just sighed in response.
“Let’s do this thing,”Tommy murmured.

“Yeah chat Tommy doesn’t feel that good today, but he’s here this time!” Wilbur exclaimed, and Tommy tried to switch to his persona, but his bones ached and made him dizzy, his head felt like it was doing back flips, and his eyes were drooping closed and he fell asleep for a split second.

“Tommy, stop trying to act fine please like leave, in the kindest way possible get the fuck out. I don’t want to make my friend who doesn’t feel good stay here,”Wilbur huffed out and Tommy was too busy dropping off into a small sleep to even hear the man, golden messy locks of hair drowning his head and he let himself sink into the darkness that was dragging him down, his body relaxing as he heard distant shouts from his friends in his headset, his mind shutting off as he sunk deeper into his crossed arms, resting his heavy and sore head to rest in his curled arms, his legs finding themselves pulled up.

“Tommy?” Wilbur asked, and the boy on his screen was clearly in a slumber, so he simply removed his camera from his stream and smiled softly. If he couldn’t get the small boy to rest by himself he could at least get comfort knowing Tommy’s sound asleep.

Tommy felt like he was in a river, his head poking out as his hair swayed, nose inhaling the scent of fresh flowers and grass, bees buzzing and birds singing, butterflies flapping their wings and he could swear he could hear a spider crawl around it’s web, it’s home dancing to built it in the most elegant way possible, fish swimming past his hands, and his eyes opened slowly, sun shined down onto his freckled and sun kissed skin and he sunk deeper into this dream, it was much more preferable than seeing your parents getting killed over and over again, Tommy has never touched a drug but he swore he felt like he was on them, something was different he felt all floaty and dissociated, but it was in the best way possible. His limbs felt bendy, his lungs could breathe, his heart could twist and pump, blood rushing around in him, he could feel his whole body, even the insides and he felt almost majestical and ethereal.

He looked around and saw tree canopy’s and nature in its oh so elegant beauty. Tommy was never one to appreciate nature but his mother and father had a passion for it and he felt almost closer to them as he looked into the wisps of clouds in the light of the setting sun, pinks, purples and yellows streaming in the beauty of the sky and Tommy marvelled at the view. He finally sat up and swam to shore and when he turned around he saw his parents on the other side of the bank and Tommy swam over, but they weren’t there. His mind was telling him to just rest in the water but he needed to find his parents. But they should be fine.

Tommy closed his eyes again and the car crash replayed in his minds as he heard his mother and father scream his name upon impact but it didn’t play in his mind as it normally does, it felt closer and he felt himself suddenly drop off the edge of the river and off a cliff.

Tommy jumped awake and he panted at how pleasant that dream had been, it was symbolising the calm before the storm, the storm being his parents' death.

“Tom, you good? You’ve been out for a few hours we ended stream two hours ago,”Tubbo murmured, his voice comforting and Tommy’s tears spilled as he wiped them. “Tommy, you’re crying!”Tubbo took notice of Tommy’s face on his monitor. “Fuck off, no I’m not!”Tommy tried to seem believing but Tubbo just laughed emptily. He saw it with his own eyes. “Hey Tommy!”Wilbur sat back down in his empty chair. “Have you been crying? What’s wrong sundrop?”Wilbur cooed, Tommy just let a raw sob escape from his pale lips, eyes red and puffy as he cried in front of his friends, curling up into a ball on his chair, curling into his own shaking and frail body.

The people in the call could only attempt to comfort the boy who was having a full on panic attack. “It hurts, it hurts,”Tommy could only let out through a rough and sore sob.

Tommy lay limp in his chair as he wiped his tears, and Wilbur quietly asked Tubbo to remove himself from the call.

“Tommy,”Wilbur muttered softly and Tommy whimpered in response. “What’s wrong, please tell me you can tell me anything you’re like my little brother,” Wilbur begged, and Tommy wanted to spill but he was afraid of what he would say, he could spill too much. He never ever wanted Wilbur to know what mental challenges he was going through because he preferred to keep it a private matter for himself.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”Wilbur’s voice rang through his ears. “It’s complicated,”Tommy said under his breath, barely audible but Wilbur picked it up. “I want to help, Sunshine,”Wilbur!s voice was laced with sympathy and it nearly made Tommy gag, he knew Wilbur cared but he didn’t want to talk about anything to anyone right now.

Tommy simply left the call, crawling into his bed to rot.

“Tommy, dinner!”Mark yelled up and Tommy groaned, his eyes shutting themselves.

“Toms, wake up,”
“Toms, dinner, are you coming down?”
“Tommy please, you’re starting to worry me,”
“Thomas will you get up today? We can go to the movies or something?”

After Mark had left for work Tommy rolled up his sleeve and opened his phone case, holding the blade as he sunk it into his wrist not quite diagonally not quite vertically as he cut, it joining the pattern of scars, it all looked like a zig zag and he did a few as he wrapped them up carefully and laid back in bed.

“C’mon Tommy, get up,”Mark walked into Tommy’s room shaking Tommy softly and Tommy stirred softly. “Tommy, I said get up,”Mark shook harder and Tommy opened his eyes weakly as he shook his head, a small noise of complaint coming from his voice. “Tommy, I’m not asking, I'm telling!” Mark reached under Tommy’s arms and yanked the boy up. Tommy immediately freaked out. Johanna had done that after he’d passed out after he hit his head a bit too hard after she hit him. “Get off of me!”Tommy screeched, and Mark shook Tommy and Tommy sobbed and screamed. He didn’t like this, he was gonna hurt him like Johanna hurt him. He’s gonna-

Tommy’s mind was racing as he sobbed, dragging his body weight onto the floor in an attempt to remove himself from Mark’s grip. Mark sat down on the floor with him as he held the boy. “Please let me go to sleep,”Tommy let out a gut wrenching sob. “You’ve been asleep all fucking week! Please just come on!” Mark raised his hands to exaggerate his words and Tommy flinched the hardest he’d ever flinched, backing up under his desk in a shaky mess as Mark came to his senses and frowned at the teenager. “Tommy,hey I’m sorry, we can talk about this.” Ten minutes passed the room filled with shaky breaths, sobs and sniffles and Mark’s breathing. “You’re so afraid of me you can’t even talk to me,”Mark whimpered quietly, and Tommy was shaking a bit less but he was very very wary. “Please,” Mark begged, and Tommy’s eyes glossed over the older’s and even though he didn’t sense any bad intentions, Tommy still didn’t trust the man. “Let’s get you cleaned up, Tommy.”Mark let the idea hang in the air before Tommy shuffled out from under his desk and wobbly stood up.

Tommy showered, getting changed into more public clothes and he was now in Mark’s car on his way to pick up his cousins.

“Hey kids,” Mark greeted, and the instant noise of his cousins made Tommy put headphones in and slip away into the music.

The changing scenes made him float away, trees in all different shapes and big country fields. Tommy looked at all of it before finally slipping away completely. Turned on default mode.

Chapter Text

“Hey Tommy,”Wilbur asked and Tommy let out a quiet cough in response, he was busy doing some missed assignments his teachers let him catch up on over break. “When are your parents coming back?”Wilbur said, and Tommy just laughed softly. “Yeah, it’s a bit weird you’ve been with your aunt and uncle for almost three months now, you’re turning sixteen in a week, they won’t be there for it?”Phil questioned and Tommy felt like he was being ganged up on. “What do they even do for a living that they have to be away from you?”Techno grunted, Tommy sighed, he thought about telling them, but he couldn’t. The words; ‘oh yeah my parents have been dead for like four months and I told nobody, must’ve slipped my mind!’ Didn’t seem right, but they were finding loose threads to his story, and he was getting nervous cause they would find out eventually.

“I-“

Tommy’s mind raced and a lump was stuck in his throat, he coughed softly.

“I don’t know when they’ll be back, they’re in the military,”He lied. “Oh, what’s their line of service?”Techno hummed and Tommy wished he’d just shut the fuck up, in the most respectful way possible because techno knowing him would try and figure this all out. “Uhm my mums navy and my dads airforce, why?”Tommy laughed nervously. “Nothing,”

“Hey Tommy, you’re coughing a lot are you okay?”Phil asked in a worried tone and Tommy laughed softly. “Yeah, my mum had really bad asthma growing up and I just got fuckin’ bad genetics, but I’m undiagnosed,”

“Tommy, you’re mums in the navy,”Techno grunted and Tommy was confused, why was this being brought up again. “People with asthma can’t join the navy,”

Tommy froze, he held his head in his hands as he took his head set off and threw his keyboard on the floor, it was a bit over dramatic but he was trying not to cut himself, destroying shit is as much relieving, although it’d suck to have to replace the keyboard so he carefully put it back, took a few deep breaths before eventually rummaging through his drawers and grabbing the blade.

—

Tommy has tried to stop cutting on his arms to reduce the risk of an accidental artery or vein tear so he started cutting in his thighs, he hissed when he sat back down on his chair and put his headset back on and sighing.

“Tommy, you’re back!”Wilbur greeted cheerfully. “Care to explain, then?”Wilbur urged and Tommy huffed. “It’s not any of your fuckin’ business of what they do,”Tommy pouted, he crossed his arms angrily staring at the screen, no green rings around a persons profile picture, no noise, no words. “You’re right Tommy, but in this case it does matter,”Phil told Tommy and Tommy got really confused. “You’re not looking after yourself enough, you’re either not sleeping or sleeping too much or rotting away in bed, you’re telling us you wish school never existed and that ‘it hurts’ but every-time we bring it up to you you say your uncle will sort help out for you, do your parents even know you’re like this?”Techno ranted, Tommy scoffed in response, the man was right but Tommy didn’t want to spill this secret yet.

“It’s like you’re parents are dead or something,”

Tommys breath hitched at Phil’s words.

“Tommy?”Wilbur frantically said, Tommy didn’t even realise he’d launched himself into a panic attack until he realised people were calling his name, and he heard Mark’s footsteps on the stairs as he struggled to get his headset off. “Tommy, okay, okay take a deep breath,”Mark bent down to Tommy (who was on the floor at that point) and sat him up. His parents were gone, his parents weren’t there, they were dead, they weren’t going to ever comfort him or help him, they weren’t gonna listen to his problems and just hug him, they were dead.

Tommy stood up and shoved himself into the corner of the room, crying into it as mark hugged him from behind as Tommy struggled to get him off. “Mark, off!”Tommy sobbed and Mark shook his head. “I can’t let you be alone right now,”Mark held him tighter, Tommy struggled as he cried in the man’s arms. “Leave me alone!”He screeched through a whimper, clawing at the man’s arms around him. “C’mon Tommy,”Mark whispered, Tommy shook his head and he struggled to the floor, Mark being dragged down with him. “Hey hey,”Mark pulled the boy into his lap, hugging him tightly as he cradled him. “Let me go,”Tommy yelled and Mark just held him tighter. “I can’t leave you alone right now Tommy, I don’t want you hurting yourself,”Mark murmured into Tommy’s ear and Tommy chuckled lowly. “Too late,”Tommy whispered in response and Mark held him even tighter if it was possible. “What brought this on, Tommy?” “My parents are dead,”Tommy whimpered quietly and mark caressed his hair, kissing his head like a father would. “You’re okay, Tommy I’m so sorry,”Mark used one of his hands to support the boys back and the other one to hold his hand tightly, rubbing his hand along the boy’s hand.

“We’re gonna get you help Tommy, so you can talk about this stuff,”Mark reassured Tommy, who was now reduced to sniffles and quick tears running down his cheeks. “I’m always here as well, and everything will get sorted,”He smiled down at Tommy, a small smile creeped up on Tommys face and Mark helped him stand. “You okay now?”Mark asked and Tommy settled into his desk chair. “Yeah- uhm- tha-thank thank you,”Tommy stuttered quietly, rubbing at his eyes and sniffling quietly. “Don’t thank me, I love you,”Mark left the room and Tommy put his headset on.

“Sorry about that- uhm,”Tommy cleared his throat and wiped his eyes again, his voice was raw from yelling at mark to let him go, to leave him alone. “Tommy, shit man are you okay?”Wilbur sounded panicked, and Phil and techno’s voices blended in with Wilbur’s. “Yeah just, don’t talk about my parents let’s just fuckin move- move on, okay?”

— a week later

“Happy birthday to you,”Mark sang as he walked into the teen’s room. “Happy birthday to you,”Violet and Vincent helped him sing. “Happy birthday dear, Tommy!”the trio beamed and Tommy smiled sadly as he sat up in bed. “Happy birthday to you!”Mark gave him a hug and violet and Vincent sat on his bed with the boy, who was now opening a card. “We didn’t know what to get you, so we just got you some cash and you get to choose somewhere for dinner,”Violet hummed and she beamed with happiness. “Happy sixteenth birthday, Tom’s, I’m so proud of you,”Mark hugged him again, and even tighter. “The money was transferred into your bank, so buy whatever you want, within reasonable and legal limits,”Mark warned playfully, Tommy giggled as he thanked his family members. “Tommy, can you pick Nando’s for dinner?”Vincent whined, pouting his lips and pleading. “Yeah, yeah why not, is that okay, Mark?”Tommy asked softly, and Mark nodded happily. “Whatever you want Toms, even if Vincent practically picked it,”

“Happy birthday, Tommy!”Wilbur exclaimed excitedly, he had a confetti popper, and popped it all over his office just to wish tommy a happy birthday, and the three other men in the call all had the same energy. “Stop you fuckin’ bastards, makin’ me all embarrassed in shit,”Tommy switched to his persona, this was a hard day, his first birthday, one of his biggest birthdays in his life (his sixteenth!) and his parents weren’t there for it. Tommy felt the familiarity of grief ping in his heart, and he sighed as he put on his best smile for the camera, and his best smile for his friends. “How has your birthday been so far, Tommy?”Tubbo asked and Tommy laughed. “Great, getting all the wives now that I can get a job at McDonald’s, getting all the bitches!”Tommy exclaimed dramatically and he added a playful hint to his tone. “You okay, Toms?”Techno asked, Tommy rolled his eyes. “Yes, Blade, I’m fine,”Tommy answered, half truthfully. He was doing well, sort of, he was still struggling and this was a hard day, so he was keeping okay, but not as well as he’d like to feel. “Happy birthday!”Wilbur popped another confetti popper out of nowhere, and the call erupted in laughter again. “Fuck, I’m gonna have to clean this up, aren’t I?”Wilbur’s voice turned into a panic. “Fuck, my office manager is visiting later in the evening!”Wilbur exclaimed as he ran down the hall for a hoover, and the call was giggling.

“I take back any happy birthday I have bestowed upon Tommyinnit, he is responsible for this all,”Wilbur groaned as he plugged in the hoover. “You used confetti poppers, not me!”Tommy retorted back and the two squabbled with the occasional defensive line from either of the other people in the call, mainly Phil or Techno.

“I’ve got to go soon, guys,”Tommy panted, he was recovering his breath after a laughing fit, Tubbo had made a particularly funny joke. “Aw, not so soon!”Tubbo frowned, the other men in the call protested as well but Tommy just laughed softly. “Promised my cousin we would go to Nando’s for dinner,”Tommy checked the time. “I’ve actually got to get going, now so er-“Tommy paused. “Thanks for the primes, thanks for the subs, thank you guys for the nice messages, bye!”

“Alright, what are we getting?”

Tommy picked at his cuticles, he hated eating publicly, he hated eating in general. Tommy held the menu with shakey hands, nervously bouncing his leg and smiling. “Uhh whatever you’re getting,”Tommy set down the menu and gestured to Mark, who just shared a confusing smile with the boy. “You sure?”Mark laughed and Tommy nodded. “Just without the spicy sauce,”Tommy shrugged and Vincent boo’d him in response. “Spice is the best part,”Vincent added, sticking his tongue out at his cousin. “Shut it!”Violet huffed at him, and mark just shook his head and chuckled the antics of his kids. Tommy drank all his Diet Coke, standing up and motioning at the drink machine, “refill?” Tommy asked, “uh will you get me a coke?”Violet handed over her glass.

“Hey, you’re Tommyinnit, right?”A voice asked behind him and he turned around with the best fake smile he could muster. “Uh yeah, do you want a photo?”He grinned and the person nodded, they took out their phone and smiled, tommy smiling into the camera. “Happy birthday by the way, you’re awesome!”The person squealed excitedly and Tommy’s fake smile turned into a real one. “Thank you,”Tommy muttered in awe, he loved meeting fans sometimes, this one singular person just made his day a little bit better and they didn’t know it. They made his day a little less shittier. “Have a good day!”He waved and walked back over to the table. “Was that a fan?”Violet hummed, stirring her straw in her drink, ice crashing into the glass. “No, some random person just went up to him and took a random photo of him,”Vincent replied sarcastically and Violet swatted his shoulder. “Guys, stop fighting,”Mark settled down the pair.

Tommy didn’t eat much and marked seemed to notice, the boy was too busy biting at his nails rather than eating. He kept glancing at the boy, who nibbled at his fries and left the majority of it. “Violet will you uh just,”Mark handed her his phone and Violet smirked, almost devilish. “Tommy I apologise,”Tommy just gave him a weird look and staff came over singing happy birthday, and Tommy’s entire body crumpled in embarrassment, Mark laughed and Tommy just shook his head.

“Wow,”Tommy said as he cut a birthday cake. “You’ve outdone yourself,”Tommy laughed, embarrassment wracked his bones and he just giggled. “I have outdone myself,”Mark added on.

When Tommy got home he cried, he missed his parents a lot that night.
His parents used to wake up on his birthday’s and make birthday pancakes with Nutella and sprinkles and put a candle on top. Tommy, the morning after his parents died, he had pancakes at the hospital cafè. He decided he hated pancakes after that. Tommy cried silently in his bed, salty tears running down his face and he sniffled. Today was an alright day, it was okay, but it was a hard day but he got through it.

Chapter Text

"Wilbur,” Tommy murmured through the call, and Wilbur shot up. "What’s up?" He asked, "We have a stream in 40 minutes,"Wilbur added on, his head wracked with worry, and Tommy sounded broken. "Er, I can’t stream; I’m disappointed in myself too,” Tommy sniffled, his soft cries echoing on his end of the call. "What’s up, sunshine?"

What’s up?

They were in the car; Violet and Vincent had been dropped off at home after school, and Mark was taking Tommy to a dentist's appointment when a car stopped in front of them. Of course Mark stopped for the car, but of course the Domino’s delivery guy behind them didn’t. "Shit,” Mark groaned. He quickly parked and got out of the car, but Tommy, oh no, he couldn’t. No, he was stuck there. He wasn’t in his parent’s deadly crash, but his mind has been; in every few dreams he has, he’s in either his parent’s car or the drunk driver’s. He knows what his parents must’ve felt in their last moments awake (they died in the hospital, Tommy got a few moments to say goodbye to both of them, and he wishes time slowed.) He’s heard the tyres screech, he’s heard the windows smash, and he’s been there, although at the same time he wasn’t there at all. So yeah, Tommy didn’t get out of the car, because if he did, he’d see his parents unconscious  bodies lying there on the pavement and on the dashboard of the car .

So now he was at home, making up a story about a migraine and how he couldn’t stream because any lights on were making him feel sick. He did have a headache, sure, but not a migraine. Tommy knows what a migraine feels like.

"I’m sorry to blow you guys off again, but it hurts so bad, Wilby,”Tommy choked, and Wilbur shushed him. "Tommy, your health will always be put first; go and lay down!" Wilbur pushed him, and Tommy smirked behind his side of the screen. "I love you, Wil,” Tommy replied, ending the call and immediately going for the small, tinier blades he had collected from sharpeners; the razor went dull, and Tommy nearly threw a fit. He loved that razor.

—

Tommy couldn’t sleep; he cursed himself because karma came back to bite him; he did have a migraine now, and it was proper madness how bad it actually ached. A few hours after Wilbur’s stream, he joined the video chat with SBI in it and whined to them about how tired he was and how his migraine was getting so painful he felt like his head was going to combust. "All the lights are off, and..." Tommy immediately rushed to the bathroom and regretted it a lot because the sun shone through the bathroom’s window so brightly that Tommy nearly turned to dust. He vomited his guts out and pulled up the hood on his jacket over his eyes in an attempt to block out the sun. He then lay on the cold bathroom tile feeling nauseous and tired.

He pulled himself up, stumbling back into his room, and slipped his headphones back in.

"Toms?" Wilbur asked, and Tommy let out a grunt. "It’s so cold!" Tommy sighed, pulling up his blankets, and turned down the volume on the call. "Why’d you have to leave so suddenly?” techno asked, Tommy’s left side of his head throbbed at the noise of anyone speaking. "Was I sick?”Tommy murmured carefully, not too loud to disturb himself and not too low so the men in the call couldn’t hear him. "Hey Phil, Tech, turn off your streams,”Wilbur said, and Tommy groaned. "They werem'fuckim'streamimg?" Tommy mumbled, and his body shook under the covers of the blankets. "Uh yeah, sorry, mate." Phil apologised, and some soft keyboard tapping was heard throughout the cell.

Tommy was on deafen on the call; his head hurt so badly, and he was cursing the sunlight for finding crevices in his curtains to shine through into his bedroom.

Wakey, wakey, Toms!" Mark exclaimed, flipping the switch on the light and dragging Tommy’s head out of his pillow. "Mark!" Tommy whined and pushed himself back into his pillow, crying from the pain. "Tommy, what’s wrong?!" He sat down on the bed beside the younger. "Migraine,” Tommy replied, and Mark cursed under his breath, turned off the light, and pulled the cover back over Tommy. "You’re sweating,” Mark noted, and Tommy grunted. "I’m so cold, and sleepy, and!" Tommy groaned, and Mark put a hand on his forehead. "You don’t have a fever.” Mark kissed his forehead. "Try and get some sleep, Toms,"

"Tommy,” Mark woke the boy up, and Tommy groaned; his head hurt still, but not as badly. "Johanna, she wants to say hi,” Mark murmured, and Tommy furrowed his brows in confusion.

"Hey, Thomas,”she said, and Tommy immediately jumped up and stared at the woman; her hair was greasy, she had dark eye bags, and she looked at him with such rage that Tommy got nervous. "Jo, uh, let us have a minute, okay?"

"I didn’t expect her to be back so soon,”Mark explained, and Tommy sobbed in his arms. "I won’t let her hurt you,” Mark murmured, cradling the boy. "She will never hurt you again,” Mark added, and Tommy nodded tearfully. "She won’t be near you in the house, I’ll make sure of it; my work hours are 09:00–2:30 after spring break,” Mark comforted, running his hands through Tommy’s hair and hugging him like a father would. "Okay,” Tommy choked out. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Does your head still hurt?" "Yeah, Tommy replied, sighing as he tried to steady his breathing and calm himself. "Do you want more paracetamol?" Mark stood up and let go of Tommy, and the frail boy nodded.

"Listen here, brat," Johanna stormed in as quietly as she could, and Tommy whipped around and looked at her. "You little-," She grunted and she grabbed his throat; Tommy choked, and he looked at her with fear in his eyes. "You snitched, listen, my husband can comfort you as much as he wants, but I will hurt you; I will hurt you as badly as I can,"She spat and let go of the boy's throat; her hands didn’t leave a mark, but they looked sore. Mark's footsteps echoed on the stairs, and Johanna rushed out.

Tommy tried to calm himself as he took the medication, and Mark smiled at him and left him to his own devices. Tommy let himself weep into his pillow.

—

"Tom, do you feel better?" Tubbo chimed, and Tommy put on his best smile. "Yeah, thanks for asking,” Tommy chuckled, and the group of men talked away before streaming, planning out a few bits and funny moments, a few laughs, and then the go live buttons were all clicked.

"Hey Toms,”Dream hummed, and Tommy laughed loudly. "No midstream breakdown today?" Dream commented, and Tommy just laughed uncomfortably. "Uh, please don’t make those jokes,”Tommy rubbed the back of his neck, chuckling softly. "Nah man, just the truth,”Wilbur added, laughing as well. "Guys,”Tommy said silently, and the men just kept making jokes about how Tommy always has some sort of breakdown during a stream or during a confrontation. “Guys, please, this isn’t a good week. Stop making jokes about me mentally; it’s not that fuckin’ funny.”Tommy turned his camera off on his stream as he rubbed his eyes; tears were leaking from them as he sniffled softly. "This isn’t like you guys; why the fuck are you acting like this!"Tommy suddenly yelled; he was so angry.

No, he’s so fucking angry.

He was pissed; he was beyond pissed; he was furious.

Nobody should make fun of someone’s mental issues, even if it’s their best friend, because one day Wilbur was comforting him and now hes making fun of his issues. When Tommy was the one helping Wilbur get out of bed when he was fifteen, he was the one telling Wilbur to take showers and reminding Wilbur to eat when he was in the hospital the night his parents died, and he never made jokes about it.

"Jeez, Tom, calm down,”Wilbur retorted, a taunting tone lacing his voice. "No, I was the one helping you get out of bed last year, and I never made jokes about it, and now you’re taunting me about my mental issues, and you don’t even know what is causing my issues, so no, I will not calm down because you’re all fucking dicks!" Tommy yelled. "This is a really bad fuckweek, and just last week you were comforting me while I cried, and--and now you’re fuckin’ making fun, fun, fun of me!" Tommy’s voice cracked as he sobbed, and the call stayed silent for a good few moments. "You just want the clip, don’t you?" Tommy accused, and the caller’s tried to interrupt. "You just want me to break down so you can get your clip. Holy fuck, you guys are wankers,"Tommy sighed, a sad smile on his face, and Tubbo seemed to be crying, soft whimpers on his end of the call. "Jesus Christ, fuck you!" Tommy paused. "Fuck you all!" Tommy huffed, and he ended the stream and left the call.

Tommy deleted Twitter almost immediately; he didn’t want to open it, and then he was banned for being too hard on the people making fun of his issues.

‘You took it too far, you’re an idiot, they hate you now, you literally hurt their feelings, you made Tubbo cry, Tubbo is so upset, Wilbur is going to be pissed, Dreams is probably laughing his fucking head off, holy shitfuckfuck George is mad because he thinks you hurt Dream Phil’s probably talking about him to Wiland Techno, cut cut cut cut cut!’

Tommy’s mind raced as he looked through his drawers for the blade.

"Toms, I’m in the garage!" Mark yelled up, and Tommy yelled something back.

"Tommy, Joanna smiled pleasantly, and Tommy’s face dropped. Fuck today, Jesus.

Tommy felt his head be smashed into the wall, and he dropped down limp on the floor. Johanna kicked his stomach, and Tommy lurched forward in pain, a gasp erupting from his mouth because that’s all he could muster through the pain, raw sobs escaping every now and then, as he held his hands around his head trying to protect himself as he curled up in a ball. "Johanna, please!" Tommy cried, his body shaking even when Johanna stopped. "Stop crying!" Johanna huffed quietly, and Tommy held in his shakey breaths. "Good Toms, okay, good," She helped him stand up and put him on the bed.

"Look what I found!" Johanna held out his sharpener blades, and he rolled up Tommy’s sleeves and pressed the blade down on Tommy’s arms. "Johanna- please!" Tommy held her arm with the other hand and he sobbed. He tried to fight back, but it was useless. "You were going to do it yourself anyway, Tommy; I’m just teaching you how to do it right."

Tommy lay limp on the floor at the end of his bed, his knees to his chest as his arms were wrapped up carefully by Johanna. "Good, now don’t tell Mark, or else it’ll be worse next time, she warned and kissed his forehead. Tommy immediately jumped away from it.

—

Tommy lay on the floor; he was so tired.

He just wanted it to end, all of it. Johanna hurt him; he was never safe.

Hey, I’m dead. Maybe, I think, if I live, holy shit! This is embarrassing. You know I never liked living, but my parents made it good; that’s why I stayed, but now, now? I can’t handle it. I can’t handle torturing people around me, and I can’t handle the pain of hurting people anymore; I’m hurting everyone around me, and I take all responsibility because it’s my fault; I go off at people whenever they’re right. And I’m an idiot for that; I can’t continue to hurt people anymore, and this is worth it because if I’m gone, I can’t cause hurt. My death will of course have an impact, but I’m not worried about that; I’m worried about how quickly I can get out of here. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I’m happier with this decision, and I just want to see my parents again. I can’t put myself through this anymore; I’m sorry. But I'm sick of staying alive for people that I hurt because I keep pushing them away and hurting them so badly that, in the end, I won’t have anyone to stay alive for anyway.

Thank you for all the love, support, and kindness.

• Thomas Simons

Tommy set the note under his pillow, and he went downstairs to the medicine cabinet, grabbed as many pills as he could, and popped them all out. It took some time, but he was patient.

Tommy had a pile of pills on his bed, and he grabbed the water beside him and took the first couple of handfuls of pills.

Chapter Text

"To- mmy?"
"T- o-o-mmy?"
"Wa-ke up,"

Tommy opened his eyes; everything was blurry and dizzy, and Mark smiled above him. "Good morning, how do you feel!"Mark grinned, and Tommy felt odd; he felt heavy and odd. His body was tingly, and his head was all over the place. Mark’s voice was echoing in his ears as he talked, and Tommy couldn’t support his head; he just held it low. "You good, bud? Another migraine?" Mark murmured, and Tommy stayed still. His body felt so heavy, and he looked at the suicide note in the bin, under his coke cans. "When was the last time you ate?" Mark brushed his hair out of his face and held his face up. Tommy must’ve looked dead.

"You’re so pale, Mark pouted, and Tommy tilted his head. "Are you tired? I need answers, Toms,"Tommy’s eyelids were drooping closed; he was dropping in and out of a dissociative state in front of Mark. "Tommy?" Mark asked. "Hm?" Tommy grunted, his hands rubbing at his eyes. "You okay?" He asked, and Tommy stood up, and he nearly fell over. His head was spinning, and his body felt so floaty but so... chained down at the same time. "Hmm, are we doing anything today?" Tommy murmured, looking at the older man with tired eyes. "Uh yeah, we have to go down to Brighton; your grandpa is in the hospital there,”Mark scanned over the boy’s body. "Are you sure you’re okay?" Mark walked towards him, and Tommy opened his wardrobe. "Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Yeah, I’m fine." Tommy smiled weakly and grabbed a hoodie.

Tommy didn’t talk in the drive down to Brighton; it was about three hours or so, and he was listening to music. He just felt weird; maybe it was the overdose; yeah, it was probably the attempted overdose. Tommy was attempting to read through Wilbur’s messages; the others had sent a lot too, but all his blurry eyes were letting him read was a jumbled mess of words.

Wilbur 09:34: Tommy I'm not sure if you received my messages from last night, but you're right, we're very sorry.

Was he imagining the spelling mistakes? Or did Wilbur just make spelling mistakes? No, Wilbur wouldn’t make this many spelling mistakes. He stared at Wilbur’s messages for a good few minutes until his eyes let him see a bit more.

Tommy:   It's all right, I'll be in Brightn soon p I can adskmy unckd if I can meet uo w/ j if u can?

Wilbur: Tommy?  Are you feeling alright?

Tommy: my eyres r blurr

Wilbur: But yeah! If your uncle says he’d love to meet up with you, ask him now so I know what time to get the train.

Tommy slurred, Mark, and Mark looked at him in the mirror. "Can I meet up with Wilbur in Brighton?" Tommy murmured, and Mark thought about it for a bit. "I’ll have to meet him first, but yeah, yeah, you can, Mark replied, and Tommy was too fuzzy to even feel happy.

Tommy: Get a train in hur or so.

Wilbur: Okay, Toms.

—

The meeting with Mark went well. Wilbur was the charismatic man he always was, and he politely chatted with Mark until Tommy was finally let out of the car with full permission to go with the older male.

Wilbur’s face dropped at how drained Tommy looked; his normally sunny baby brother was reduced to pale skin, cracked lips, and grey eyes. Thanks, Mark, bye, I love you, Tommy said, sounding worse. He waved bye to his uncle, and Wilbur smiled at him. Tommy smiled tiredly; his whole body was dragging him down. "You good, Toms?" Wilbur held Tommy’s face to inspect him, and Tommy instantly flinched away from the touch of the man. "Uh, mhm,”Tommy muttered; his footsteps were slow and sluggish, and Wilbur took note of that. "Are you tired?" Wilbur looked at the boy; it was like all the colours had drained from his skin. Tommy stumbled, and Wilbur quickly caught him.

"Tommy, what’s going on? You’re clearly not well,”Wilbur fumbled his words as he took out his wallet and opened it, taking out a tab of paracetamol and fiddling, trying to pop the pills open. Tommy quickly took the tab from Wilbur's hands and put it back in his Wallet., "Wil, I can't take anymore pills." "Wha-Toms, did your uncle give you some already?" Wilbur supported the minor, guiding him to a wall that the two sat on. "Something- like.”that, Tommy slurred, drowsy eyes looking into Wilbur’s. "Tommy, what’s going on with you?”Wilbur exclaimed, using his hands to express his frustration, and he accidentally brushed against one of the bruised parts of Tommy's body. "Ow! Fuck, Wil! Tommy cried out, holding his right side of his torso, and Wilbur gently pulled the fabric up. Tommy quickly yanked it back down; it was the fastest he’s moved in ages. Tommy tried to cheer himself up, shake the depressing feelings away, and act happy for Wil.

Wilbur didn’t fall into his facade as easily as he should’ve.

"I think I should get back to Mark,”Tommy nodded. His body was getting weaker and weaker, the light was annoying him, and he didn’t want to annoy Wilbur anymore.

But when everything started going black once they started walking for a bit, black spots started obscuring his vision. Tommy felt his heart thumb in his chest; he became overly aware of everything; he was panicking; was he dying or was he having a panic attack? Tommy looked over at Wilbur, and he heard Wilbur call his name, and Tommy just felt his body drop and his mind go blank.

"Tom, hey, hey, okay,”Wilbur murmured. Tommy’s eyes opened slowly, and he was on the pavement on Wilbur’s lap. "Wil?" Tommy’s voice was dry. "Hey Tommy, okay,”Wilbur was panicked, and Tommy heard a car door slam. "Tom?" Mark appeared above him. "Wilbur, Jesus thanks you for fucking looking after him,”Mark sat down on the floor beside Wilbur. "Wha-mh fuc-?" Tommy felt his body being picked up; he was in Wilbur’s arms and was being placed in Mark’s car. Listen, Mark, he’s not, well, mentally.Wilbur murmured. Tommy was falling asleep, and Mark nodded. "I know, I found him fucked up a few weeks ago; I had to call an ambulance." Mark commented, and he closed the car door.

—

"Why’d you call the ambulance? Couldn’t you drive him to A&E?"

"No, Wilbur, he was bleeding out,”Mark shook his head. "I thought you would’ve known that he-?"Mark questioned, and Wilbur just furrowed his brows. "That he?" Wilbur questioned. Sorry, it’s not my place to tell you, but thanks again for your concern and for looking after him, I’m going to go phone his doctors in the car and get him home,lMark smiled at the younger. "You’re welcome, Mark; he’s like my baby brother; I’d do anything for that kid."

—

Tommy hated himself; he was just in bed; he couldn’t get himself up to bed unless he went to the bathroom, and as soon as he was done, he would go back to his bed and not even sleep. Weary eyes just stared at a wall, and Mark didn’t try to get him out of bed; last time was bad. Mark called doctor after doctor trying to find someone who would speed up the process of Tommy getting interviewed for a mental health assessment to get him therapy, but it was all the same answer.

Tommy regretted his attempt a lot.

If he knew he was going to survive it and feel shit throughout the next few weeks, he never would’ve attempted it.

But he knew he had to pull himself out of bed at one point or another.

So Tommy showered quickly enough to look okay, splashed some water on his face, got some clean clothes, and tried to look okay enough. Tommy opened Minecraft and started a stream.

"Hey guys!" Tommy exclaimed. He tried his best to hide his appearance and tried to act like he normally would, but people noticed the change in his demeanour. He was still feeling dizzy and sick; migraines kept coming over and over again, some lasting days instead of hours, and he hadn’t slept in three days. "How are we today, lads?" Tommy smiled, chat racing by, and he got a glimpse of the chats.

"Toms!" Wilbur exclaimed excitedly as he joined Tommy’s empty VC. "I missed you; chat me and Tommy met up for an hour or so last week right, and he fuckin’ fainted on me. I had to sit there on the street waiting for his uncle,"Wilbur laughed, and Tommy giggled quietly. "You were fuckin’ panicked as shit man! Tommy laughed, just shaking his head, and he started a new world. "Yeah, I was. Are you feeling better?" Wilbur’s voice changed, and Tommy smiled genuinely at Wilbur’s sincerity. "Okay, I’m feeling okay,”Tommy answered. He was lying, of course, but that didn’t really matter, as long as people couldn’t really tell.

"Tommy!" Mark yelled up, and Tommy quickly ran down the stairs.

"Johanna found this in your bin, Mark was holding his suicide note from a few weeks ago. "Tommy,”Mark was crying. "So now you look through my bin?" Tommy asked; he was fucking scared. "Tommy, it was on top; she saw the fucking letter,"Mark slammed his head on the kitchen island, and Tommy huffed. Yeah, and why would she care!"Tommy yelled. "Is that why you fainted last week, Wil? Were you too fucking overdosed?" Mark exclaimed angrily, stomping around the kitchen and panicking. "Fuck, you’re going to be dead by the time you're sixteen and a half if you keep going at this rate. God, your parents sacrificed everything for you, and now you’re throwing it all away. And fuck, this is one of the shittiest suicide notes I’ve ever fucking read, and maybe it's the only suicide note I've ever read; BUT IT’S REALLY SHITTY WHEN YOU FUCKING READ YOUR NEPHEWS SUICIDE NOTE," Mark was just screaming at him now, and Tommy was frozen in fear, waiting for the quick slam of his head against a wall or a limb bent backwards where Tommy didn’t know if it was broken, sprained, or just bent in an uncomfortable position. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Tommy yelled, stomping his foot like a toddler in a fit.

"I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU THINK I’M GOING TO ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP!! TOMMY,”Mark punched the boy, Tommy falling to the ground with a bloody nose, and he was too shocked to even cry. "I mean, Tommy, like,” Mark faced the wall, leaning his body weight on the counter.

"Go fucking pack a bag or something because I’m taking you to A&E," Mark’s voice was strained, like he was trying to hold something back, and Tommy stood there, holding his bleeding nose as he sobbed. "No-!" "TOMMY GO FUCKING PACK A BAG,”Mark grabbed him, dragging him up the stairs and into the hallway before he took a look at Tommy.

The younger had blood running down his chin and blood staining his shirt, and he was sobbing so hard his body convulsed in Mark’s hands.

"Please, I’m better; I won’t try again!" Tommy sobbed, and Mark shook his head. "Tommy, I have to take you to A&E.”Mark shook his head, hugging the boy as gently as he could. "I’m sorry,”Mark cried, and Tommy repeatedly begged, sob and incoherent pleas retched from his throat. "I’m sorry,” Mark repeated over and over again. "You’re not getting better,”Mark brushed Tommy's hair out of his face, blood smearing on his hands, and Mark was quick to wipe it off his hands. C'mon, Tommy, please,”Mark cradled him, and Tommy tried to inch away. He was afraid of the man currently bawling and apologising to him. He hurt him after he promised Johanna she would never hurt him, and Mark hurt him.

He wanted Wilbur.

Tommy ended the stream on his Twitch app on his phone and packed a bag like Mark told him to. The pair went to the car, but Tommy dashed.

No way was he going to the fucking hospital again.

Tommy got on the train for Brighton, and people looked at him like he was mad; he still had blood leaking from his nose, and he had blood on his shirt. But words cannot describe how shocked Wilbur was when he heard a soft knock on his door at 1:30 am. Tommy had knocked, but he was thinking about turning away; Wilbur should be in bed, and he was just there, on his door step, his chin covered in blood, and in his distressed mind he couldn’t even make a sound. "Tommy,”Wilbur breathed, looking the boy up and down with such a sympathetic look that Tommy nearly died. "Can I stay here for tonight?" Tommy fiddled with the straps on his bag, and Wilbur immediately nodded and ushered the boy into the warmth of the house.

Tommy, who did this,"Wilbur entered panic mode, setting the boy on one of the kitchen island chairs, and he got a cloth and put it under warm water, rushing back over to Tommy and dabbing at his face gently. "Ouch-!" Tommy yelped, jumping away from the man rubbing at his face with such careful and thoughtful ease. "Sorry, but who did this?" Wilbur’s chocolate-brown eyes met Tommy’s. "Mark,”Tommy replied, but this was the first time, I was just scared,”Tommy attempt to defend him. "He was frustrated.”Tommy’s eyes had tears leaking from them. "What are these?" Wilbur pulled at Tommy’s hoodie collar and looked at the dark bruises. "My aunt, she does it a lot,”Tommy fiddled with his fingers. Oh, toms, Wilbur cooed sadly. "Why wouldn’t you tell us?" Wilbur held his hands; he didn’t want Tommy scratching at his fingers. "Take off your hoodie, Toms, I need to see if there are any more bruises."

Tommy tensed up.

"I don’t want to,”Tommy answered honestly; he didn’t have a long sleeve shirt on, and he was covered in bruises. "Tommy, please?" Wilbur dabbed at his face again, wiping away any excess blood. Tommy shook his head, huffing, and Wilbur knew not to cross the line. "That’s you then,”Wilbur murmured, putting the cloth in the sink and slugging Tommy’s bag onto one of his shoulders. "C'mon, Wilbur gestured to the hallway, and Tommy jumped up from his seat and followed the older.

06:49:

Tom’s uncle: Hey Wil, is Tom with you?

Wilbur: yeah.
Wilbur: You told me how you and your wife like to beat him.

Tom’s uncle: Is that what he told you?

Wilbur: You punched him; the evidence was there, Mark.

Tom’s uncle: I was taking him to A&E again; please, I’ll meet you at the Brighton hospital, Wilbur; he needs psychiatric help.

Wilbur: what?

Tom’s uncle: I don’t beat him, and I regret punching him, and my wife abused him, but she has a court date.

Tom’s uncle: But he needs A&E now; I’ve already called, and they’ve got a bed for him.

Wilbur: But what do you mean by psychiatric help?

Tom’s uncle: I found a suicide note.
Tom’s uncle: he tried to kill himself.
Tom’s uncle: You said you’d do anything for him, so do this for him.

Chapter Text

“Tommy,” Wilbur shook the tired boy awake. “Hey, wanna go get breakfast?”Tommy smiles sleepily and nods. “Can I sleep in the car?”He asks, and Wilbur nods, smiling. “Get dressed,” Wilbur adds.

Tommy got dressed in a hoodie and jeans and Wilbur called a taxi.

Tommy fell asleep on his shoulder and Wilbur double-checked before he whispered to the driver. “Can you change the location to the hospital?”Wilbur asked, and the taxi driver nodded, either way, he was getting paid. 

Wilbur felt tense, he was anxiously bouncing his leg and he looked at the sleeping boy now on his lap. Tommy looked so normal, usual Tommy but then was Tommy normal? Was Tommy just faking everything to act happy even if he had the plan to kill himself? Wilbur held him tightly and he looked outside at the sunny day for such a bad day, it was a bad day for him, but it was gonna be a shit day for Tom. When they arrived at the hospital Wilbur thanked the driver and picked Tommy up, meeting Mark at the door. “Hey.”He greets Mark and Mark just looks terrible. 

Tommy woke up and he didn’t register where he was, he looked at Wilbur and Mark and he sat up, eyes adjusting to the bright light. And when he registered all of it, he burst out bawling, cradling himself in the bed, turning his back to the two men and crying, pushing Wilbur and Mark when they attempted to hug him. “Go away!”Tommy sobbed, his head hurt, his heart hurt, and his mind hurt. Tommy just cried and sobbed on the bed for a good few hours before he got dehydrated, his body just quivering and dry sobs. He knew he upset Mark, he knew he tried to kill himself, and that was wrong, but he didn’t understand the betrayal. He just wanted to be home, in bed and wake up to the cat, or do a late-night stream that lasts all night. 

“Tommy,” Wilbur pouted, touching Tommy and feeling the boy flinch away from him. “Go away, go away, goawaygoawaygoaway,” Tommy murmurs, shaking his head and putting his arm around his face. “I don’t want to talk to you,” Tommy muttered angrily. “Tommy you knew we had to,” Mark interrupted Tommy’s angry spits of ‘go away,’ “I’m so worried about you, I love you!” “you threw me against the wall, you punched me in the nose, you dragged me up the stairs and you insult my parents and me!”Tommy exclaimed, he wasn’t very happy, at all. “Tommy, you know I’m not defending Mark for hurting you but at least he’s trying to help you,” Wilbur put a hand on the boy’s arms, Tommy flinching back with a small Yelp of pain. “Sorry!”Wilbur said and retreated from the small blonde. “Didn’t mean to brush against a bruise,” Wilbur assumed, Tommy laughed. “Shut up,” Tommy giggled, and he just looked at Wilbur with such a look of disgust Wilbur almost burst out crying. He knew he did the right thing, but right now Tommy was being really good at being a devil spawn and making him feel bad for it. 

“Take me home, I can live by myself please, Mark!”Tommy tried to convince him, Mark shook his head and Wilbur was out at the shop. “The pills are out of my system you know, I can just say Johanna forged that note, and the current cuts on my arms? They’re not done by me, Mark, Johanna carved them, visible evidence, I can say you’re all making this up and get you locked up,” Tommy smirked deviously, he knew nothing of the law so his threat had many holes in it, but Mark just stared at the blonde. “Why are you being like this,” Mark sighed, his brows furrowed in disbelief. “I’ve done everything for you, I’ve called mental health professionals, got you on the waiting list for camhs-“ “Can you bring my parents back?”Tommy spat. “I appreciate what you’ve done but nothing will ever be enough,” Tommy told Mark, his voice choking up. “I just want my mum to embrace me again,” Tommy broke down. Mark had never seen him get this emotional about his parents, even at the funeral he remembers Tommy acting like he was hosting something, exchanging pleasantries with neighbours even though at the grave and on the ride home he was numb. 

“I have dreams,” Tommy said, and Mark sat on the bed at Tommy’s side. “And it’s either me on the sidewalk, and I can’t move and I have to watch the crash over and over again, or I’m in either of the cars, I have to watch my dad's desperate attempts to call 999 as his body gives out, succumbing to unconsciousness, and mum- mum’s mangled body as she says my name over and over again, apologising and-“Tommy sniffed, shoulders sagging as he cried. “I was the one that told them to go out and have a date night,” Tommy said. “If I was the tiniest bit selfish, they would still be here and I wouldn’t be in this situation, making you upset and worried, making Wilbur feel the same, it’s just better if I don’t exist,” Mark held the boy, Tommy was completely coming undone in his arms.

He didn’t realise Tommy’s mental health was this bad.

“And all I get in compensation for my parents' lives? The drunk driver’s family trying to sue us for mental harm,” Tommy groaned and shook his head. “You think I don’t hear you on the phone, but I know they’re coming after their life insurance company before I get it when I’m 18,” Tommy said, his body lax against marks, he felt unusually warm inside, maybe it was good talking about this, maybe he should be talking about his problems more? He’ll think about it later.

—

WILBURSOOT CREATED A NEW GROUP

+dream, +georgenotfound, +sapnap, +Tubbo, +Phil, +technoblade, +5

Dream: huh?

Wilbur: hey guys so remember that night Tommy went off at us cause we made that joke

George: Yeah?

Dream: still think he took it to heart a little too much 

Wilbur: well no he didn’t cause he was right
Wilbur: I’m currently at Brighton Hospital with Tommy and his uncle 

Niki: what?! Is Tommy okay?

Technoblade: is the child okay?

Phil: HUH

Wilbur: it’s a long story but to shorten it
Wilbur: the night we made fun of Tommy’s mental health he tried to kill himself, and then last night his uncle found out and tried to take him to A&E, but then Tommy ran and came to my house, stayed the night and I tricked him into going to the hospital 

Sapnap: what?
 
Tubbo: Tommy tried to do what?

Wilbur: don’t tell him I made this group, I just wanted to tell you guys even if it’s not my place because we have to be careful around him. 

Dream: shit fuck yeah of course man

Phil: is he okay now?

Wilbur: still crying, he hasn’t stopped since he woke up in the hospital room, he cried even harder when they took his hoodie strings 
Wilbur: he won’t drink anything at all, think he’s dehydrated.

—

“Well, there’s not much we can do now, In fact, all we can do is try and get him bumped up on the Camhs assessment team,” The doctor tapped his clipboard. “What?”Wilbur huffed, he and Mark just shared a look of outrage. “Look, meds are out of his system, we can’t see them, and you said he took other pills than Ibuprofen and paracetamols, but they normally don’t show up, but others do,” The doctor shrugged. “He’s already discharged, I suggest getting him home, letting him rest and just keeping a close eye on him,” The doctor explained and Mark sighed disappointedly. “Okay then,” Mark nodded, and Wilbur was already picking up the sleeping Tommy.

“Listen, Mark,” Wilbur shrugged. “Maybe Tommy wants to stay with me for a bit, maybe a change of scenery would be nice, and maybe he would feel- well safer without Johanna around,” Wilbur ran his hands through Tommy’s hair and Mark looked sad. “Yeah, actually, you’re fuckin’ right, he almost flourished with Johanna gone,” Mark turned his head to face Wilbur in the back seat of the car. “I'll drop you two off,”

“Mhhh, well?”Tommy murmured in Wilbur’s arms as Wilbur set him down on the sofa. “Hey, you’re staying with me for a bit!”Wilbur cheered excitedly and Tommy’s eyes lit up and his frown turned into a grin. “Really?”Tommy asked, pulling up the blanket Wilbur had just draped up on top of him. “Yeah, I’m gonna let you nap for a bit because we both know you hardly sleep, it’s a miracle how much you’ve slept these last few days, and I’m gonna order food for us, I’ll wake you up when it comes,”

Tommy fidgeted with the pasta in the to-go box. “I’m not hungry, Wil,” Tommy felt bad, felt bad Wilbur wasted money on him and he felt bad because he felt well sick. He hadn’t been able to eat in ages because something in the back of his head told him he was fat, but even if he didn’t believe it his whole body just shook when food was placed down his throat and he felt repulsed. “Are you sure?”Wilbur looked at him with concern laced in his eyes. “Yeah, I'm just, not really in the mood to eat,”

“I’m sorry” Tommy spluttered out, earning a confused look from Wil. “You don’t have to apologise for not being hungry, Tommy.”He laughed, and Tommy quickly looked to the floor. “I’m gonna make up the guest bedroom for you, the sofa isn’t going to work, is it?”Wilbur made small talk, and Tommy just found it so awkward. Because normally they’d be playfully and verbally bashing each other, But they were staring awkwardly at each other because Wilbur was processing so much information. 

“Tommy, did you hurt yourself before your attempt?”

The silence hung thick in the air and as Tommy looked up, Wilbur scanned the boy's eyes the best he could, Tommy's eyes darting back to the floor to meet anything but Wilbur’s sympathetic gaze. 
“Yes,” Tommy gulped, he couldn’t say anything else. 

“Yes, yes, I did, and I still do,” Tommy said, and Wilbur was still looking at him. “I did it once, before a stream, it was the first time and I just felt.. better. I tried to not let it be an issue and not do it anymore but it was too much of a relief,” Tommy paused. “The reason I was blowing off streams was that I’d either cut too deep and it hurt to move or Mark had to take me to A&E because I was bleeding out and was too mentally drained I just lay in bed, or I just was normally too drained, and I was avoiding streams in case something happened, like my sleeve rolling up or something,” Tommy reached for his drink, taking a sip and eyes quickly looking up for a glance of Wilbur, his Wilbur who was leaking tears and holding back sniffles. “This pasta tastes like shit, and I can’t even taste properly,” Wilbur joked while crying, and there was silence before giggles. 

“On a serious note, Tommy, god I wish you could’ve talked to us about it, even though we always fucked up and made fun of you and your mental health when we really should’ve paid attention to how much you were struggling,” Wilbur piped up after laughter died down, and Tommy nodded. “Yeah, that was pretty shitty of you,” Tommy rubbed the back of his neck.

“Tommy, do you have any future plans to kill yourself?”

Silence. 

“After last week and today, I thought I’d get a wake-up call but, it just pushed me, and it was all that filled my mind, and I wanted to push the thought away but- I couldn’t, yes, Wil, I do have plans to kill myself.” Tommy paused, there was no answer on Wilbur’s end of the table. ‘Just pretend I have a terminal illness, there’s nothing you can do to help me, big brother,”

No joke about pasta, no lighthearted giggles, just soft sobs from Wilbur, Tommy sitting nonchalantly, and when Wilbur noticed it he was appalled at himself for not realising how bad his Tommy was, no, how bad his Tommy is. Wilbur placed his shakey hands on his knees, and Tommy turned his head to the side, a pout finally showing on his lips. 

‘There’s nothing you can do to help me, big brother,’

The words echoed in Wilbur’s head that night as he attempted to sleep, his bed cold, his pillow cold, his room cold, and when he heard his door creak open, he turned his back and looked at the blonde in the doorway. “Can I sleep in here, Wil?” the blonde whispered, and Wilbur smiled sadly. “C’mere, baby brother,” Wilbur held his arms open, and Tommy closed the bedroom door, and climbed under the covers into Wilbur’s arms. 

That’s when the teenager started crying in his brother’s arms. “Today was shit,” Tommy whimpered, Wilbur’s hands playing with the blonde locks. “Yeah, it was,” Wilbur says, holding back a sob, he wanted to cry with the younger and tell him everything would be all right and that Tommy would recover from this hell, he would be happy again and meet dream, see his stupid face reveal, that Tommy was gonna reach 20 million someday, that Tommy was going to be able to soar and flourish into a healthy, mentally well gentleman with a family someday, but he couldn’t. Because he couldn’t promise something that Tommy himself couldn’t believe. The only person who needed to believe it is Tommy; the only way to recover is if the person who needs recovery wanted it so bad that they fight for it, and right now Tommy went fighting for it, he was losing the battle.

Chapter Text

“Good morning, Toms,” Wilbur greets as Tommy walks down the stairs, rubbing sleep away from his eyes and he yawned. “Mornin’ Wil,” Tommy sat down at the table, resting his head in his arms in the table. “Hungry?”Wilbur asked, and Tommy shook his head, he needed to look out for his weight, he’d noticed he’d started to put on weight, Tommy didn’t want to lose weight, but he thinks he does look fat. “Too mh’ tired,” Tommy excused, and Wilbur sat down in front of him with toast. “You sure?”Wilbur took a bite and Tommy nodded. “Do you want to do something today, Tommy?”Wilbur murmured, wiping crumbs off of the sides of his mouth and Tommy’s eyes wandered to look at the marble countertops and white cabinets. Clean, it was clean. “Like what?”Tommy yawned again, he just wanted to go back to sleep because he knew in a few days or weeks he wouldn’t be able to sleep again. “Anything, whatever you’d like,” Wilbur chirped happily, and Tommy shook his head. “I kinda just wanna sleep, because I know my insomnia will get worse soon, I wanna take advantage of the rest,” Tommy told Wilbur, and Wilbur tilted his head curiously. “How about we watch a movie on the sofa, you can sleep but we can still hang out?”The brunette took a sip of his tea, of course, Wilbur is such a morning tea type of person or coffee. “At 11:30 am?”Tommy laughed, and Wilbur hummed. “I don’t see why not, and then I have a meeting, so, you can come along!”Wilbur beamed, and Tommy laughed again. “A meeting?”Tommy raised an eyebrow. “No, not, it’s just a meeting with Niki and James, but still, to avoid making plans that collide with our schedules we call it ‘meetings,’ to trick ourselves into thinking it’s a very important thing to go to,” Wilbur explained and Tommy giggled, Wilbur couldn’t help but let his smile widen, it was refreshing to not see the boy mope about. “Where is this meeting, Mr soot?”Tommy ran his hands through his hair. “The pier, gonna hang out and get some food, you’ve met James before, right?” “Er, no, heard of him though,”

Tommy was unusually paranoid when they settled down for the movie, Wilbur’s hands were around him, hugging him protectively and brotherly but all Tommy felt was her, her hands touching him- no, no he can’t think about it. “Wil, can you just not hug me-?”Tommy scooted away. “On any other day but just, not, I’m-“ “Hey, Tommy, calm yourself, it’s okay, I’m not offended or anything, I’d never want you to be uncomfortable,” Wilbur laughed it off, of course, he’d never want his brother to be uncomfortable or anything, Tommy, Tommy well he’s been abused, Wilbur understands that Tommy might not like to be touched in fear of a fist swinging at him or a punch to the gut, but he’d never expect that Tommy was sexually abused, even if it was just once, still it counts. Tommy’s eyes glanced up to the screen and he curled up into himself as he felt Wilbur drape a blanket over him and shoved over some decorative pillows. “Goodnight, Toms,”

When Tommy woke up at four pm on Wilbur’s sofa with his mouth dry, head dizzy and body aching he was confused. Wilbur was nowhere to be seen as Tommy pushed his body up, slumping down the hall with heavy footsteps, stumbling all over the place as he knocked on Wilbur’s door, yawning in the process. “Oh- just a minute!”Wilbur shouted and Tommy rubbed his eyes.

“Hey sunshine, just wake up?”Wilbur smiled as he opened his door, Tommy noticed the PC on and his Twitch chat streaming past. “Mhhhh,” Tommy nodded, and Wilbur laughed. “We’re meeting Niki and James at five thirty, c’mon and chill in here with me,” Wilbur pointed to his bed, and Tommy was too sleepy to not immediately drift towards the bed, flopping down immediately, then falling off the bed as Wilbur laughed. “Ow,” Tommy groaned, and Wilbur helped him up, and only then did Wilbur realise how skinny and frail the boy was, he was light, not heavy at all. Wilbur’s mind instantly worried as he helped Tommy up onto the bed, Tommy fell asleep immediately, and when Wilbur draped another blanket over Tommy’s body, he sighed, ruffling the blonde’s hair and returning to his seat in front of the live audience, running his hands through his hair and laughing at the chat. “Yes, guys, that is Tommyinnit, yes, yes, Tommy is just staying for a change of scenery, his uncle knows, actually no, I kidnapped him,”

—

Tommy when he woke up again, was insanely confused again, he saw Wilbur laughing at him, and he let himself smile softly, his elbows supporting his weight as he shuffled up on the sheets, leaning against Wilbur’s wooden headboard, waving to chat and smiling wider. “Hey chat, sorry about the Power Nap,” Tommy’s voice was tired sounding, his eyes glancing at Wilbur’s who’s eyes were glancing up and down the blonde’s frame, and Tommy furrowed his brows in confusion, Wilbur shook his head, cheeks going red in embarrassment. “I’m sorry, Toms,” Wilbur quickly went back to his stream, Tommy just brushed it off and stretched, his limbs making a satisfying cracking sound and he groaned softly. “Wil, you need to fuckin’ paint your walls, it’s too white in here,” Tommy criticised jokingly, Wilbur laughed loudly, eyes scanning over the empty walls, wooden panels and a scratched bedroom door, the boy was right, the room did look empty, void less of colours. “Hm, there’s a paint store, we can go and find some paint before we meet up with Niki and James,” Wilbur hummed and Tommy’s eyes lit up excitedly. “WILBUR WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET RID OF ME, I’LL BE PAINTED ONTO HIS WALLS, CHAT, EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT HIS WALLS YOU’LL THINK OF ME!”Tommy yelled, any traces of sleepiness leaving his body as he sat up and jumped around. “WE SHOULD DO THE WOODEN PANELS UH,” Tommy paused, he looked at Wilbur’s starting screen that was on his other monitor so Wilbur’s stream COUOD see them both. “HOW ABOUT WE TRY AND GET THE PAINT STORE TO MAKE THE COLOUR REPLICA OF LIKE YOUR STREAM SET UP!”Tommy bounced up and down, and Wilbur chuckled, throwing his head back and giggling. “Sure, Tom, we can do that colour, what about some decorations around the walls, hm?”Wilbur asked, trying to get Tommy to bounce around again cause god damn it, he loved it when his baby brother showed the finest ounce of happiness because that is what Tommy deserves, happiness. The blonde deserved beyond happiness at this point, he deserved the universe. But Wilbur knew Tommy’s excitement was only for that moment, that it wouldn’t stop Tommy’s suicidal thoughts or self-harm, because again, Tommy needed to want to get better, agree to some therapy maybe, or even just properly open up about his problems to his family, and his friends, try to stop harming himself, and of Tommy was starving himself (possibly) he’d need to stop it as well or attempt to make a proper recovery. Every time Wilbur looked into Tommy’s blue eyes he just saw grey with flecks of blue, dull, tired and exhausted eyes, but that wasn’t Tommy’s eyes. His Tommy’s eyes were blue, full of excitement and gratitude to be alive, and happiness flooding his eyes, you could practically swim in Tommy’s gorgeous eyes because they were so blue, yes, this was still his Tommy, but this was a different version of Wilbur’s Tommy. A version of him that was completely sure that he wanted to die.

Wilbur loved his little brother, with all his heart, he always wanted a little brother and Tommy was the one he’d always dreamed of because Tommy understands the loneliness of being an only child, that’s why he looks up to Wilbur because he can see the brunette as someone like an older brother. That’s why the pair fit so well together. He loves Tommy, so it breaks him the tiniest bit inside because he knows his baby brother is hurting so horribly and he can’t fix it, even if he tries his best he knows Tommy is the only one who can recover.

Wilbur sniffled as he heard Tommy rant and swear about how much of an interior designer he is, and he wiped a tear that was threatening to spill from his eye. “Alright chat, Tommy and I are gonna go 'cause we do have to leave in,” Wilbur paused, checking his watch and then sighing. “Thirty minutes and he still has to get out of pyjamas, so,” Wilbur giggles, watching Tommy huff at him. “Bye chat!”Wilbur waved, and Tommy waved too, saying bye so many times and so fast you’d think he was at an auction auctioning the word ‘bye.’ “Go get changed, okay?”Wilbur stood up, shuffling his way towards his dresser and Tommy stood sort of uncomfortable from the shift in the room, something made him a little nervous because something told him it was tense. So Tommy didn’t answer, he just quietly grabbed his bag and went into the bathroom to get changed.

When Tommy stared at himself in the mirror of Wilbur’s bathroom he was dressed in a red t-shirt and jeans, he hadn’t shoved a hoodie over his head yet. He just stared at himself, his body, his scars. Tommy just stared at the exactly fifteen gashes of scars on each arm, he wasn’t covered yet he felt like he was. How was he ever meant to be normal again?

Tommy then inspected his body, thin, but no, not for Tommy, no no, his mind was telling him and making him believe that his body is overweight for his age, and then the thin layer of fat surrounding his limbs, but in his mind, it was too much, too much. Tommy gulped, he’d never felt like that before. His mind was distressed mentally, but he’d never felt like he needed to starve himself, he just felt repulsed by food not that he had the urge to starve himself. So when he shoved a hoodie over his head, wiping tears quickly and splashing his face with water he left the subject to wander in his mind.

“Niki!”Wilbur exclaimed pleasantly, hugging the pink-haired woman and in turn, Niki returned it. “Hello, Wil- oh! I didn’t know Tommy was gonna join us, wait why’s he here anyway, in Brighton I mean-?”Niki laughed, and Wilbur smiled wider. “Yeah, yeah, he’s staying with me for a bit, he has a situation at home and I just offered to let him stay to distract himself, you know?”Wilbur and Niki started walking, and Tommy trailed behind them on the pavement like a lost dog. He wanted to be left alone, he actually wants to be asleep, but then at the same time, he needs conversation. The two were exchanging pleasantries and chatting, laughing and giggling with each other and then there was this lanky blonde kid who looked like skin and bones just walking behind them with a pout on his face. Then there was James fucking Marriott.

Tommy was stuck to Wilbur like glue, he knew Niki, of course, he did! But at the same time he just felt unable to talk to her, James barely got an introduction before he shut his mouth and kept to himself again. Tommy didn’t even realise they were walking into a restaurant, Wilbur did say they were going to get something to eat, but he forgot and then his mind rushed back to his body. “Wilby, I’m not that hungry, can I just get a serving of chips?”Tommy rushed quickly, grabbing Wilbur’s shirt so hard he surprised the older man, who sighed when realising he wasn’t being taken. Even at his height, Tommy pulled HARD. “Uh, yeah of course you can, man, you don’t have to ask me, Tommy,” Wilbur laughed, and Tommy sighed in relief, the trio laughing at the blonde as he started to join in, all of them walking into the restaurant.

“Tommy, you’ve barely eaten a thing,” Niki pouted, shoving a chicken nugget into his hand. (They’d convinced the youngest to upgrade his chips into nuggets and chips with a proper coke because Tommy had wanted the diet option) “yeah, I’m just tired, not that hungry, you know?”Tommy excuse it, looking around the bustling and noisy restaurant, people chatting, servers walking around and getting checks, the bartender cleaning glasses. Tommy felt aware of his surroundings and he didn’t like it. The sound of shoes tapping against wood, the scratch of a chair against the ground and a clink of a glass, and he could almost come undone in front of the entire establishment, he didn’t know what was causing him to feel like this, was it his mind convincing him he was overweight and going to die from obesity or was it from being overwhelmed? His arms burned with the memories of blood trickling down his arms, a soft tickle and a hiss of pain, he wanted to do it again but he couldn’t. He couldn’t, and that’s what made him panic because he didn’t have a proper escape, sometimes he enjoyed Johanna’s blatant abuse because he was being hurt, in a way to let out the emotional pain he egged her on. But Wilbur’s house was, well it was clean. He couldn’t even find a sharp knife to make soft baby cuts with because Wilbur had dulled them, and Wilbur would never hit Tommy.

“Tommy, you good?”Wilbur interfered with Tommy’s panic attack in his head and Tommy nodded quickly, a fake smile on his face. “I think me and Toms are gonna head home, he looks tired,” Wilbur says, but quickly Tommy shakes his head and pouts. “We’ll stay, c’mon you’ve barely eaten your burger,” Tommy interrupted, and Wilbur gave Tommy a look of such pity Tommy could’ve burst out crying. “We’re staying, Wil,” Tommy urged, the brunette sighing as he smiled at how kind Tommy was being.

“Tommy, tell me what’s wrong,” Wilbur immediately said as the group parted ways, Niki down one way, James the other and Tommy and Wilbur walking back. “I’m okay,” Tommy shrugged, his feet kicking at loose stones, hands in his jeans and he looked to the side, seeing Brighton Beach’s water shine in the moonlight, a soft reflection and the sound of crashing waves, Tommy found it pleasant as he looked into the dark blue, a soft cloud escaping from his mouth as he shivered. “Tommy, why are you staying with your uncle?”Wilbur broke the silence, sitting on a bench in front of where Tommy was standing, Tommy shuffling and sitting on it as well.

“You know that couple that was on the news a few months back? Killed in a car accident?”Tommy brought his knees up to his chest. “Yeah, we were talking about it and I said I hoped their son was okay,” Wilbur recalled the memory quickly, it wasn’t that long ago. “Well, those were my parents,” Tommy’s voice has no hesitation and Wilbur’s head whips around to look at Tommy’s. “What?”Wilbur’s voice is barely audible, below a whisper and Tommy looked Wilbur in the eyes. “It’s my fault,” Tommy choked up, and Wilbur immediately hugged Tommy, embracing him the tightest he could as he let the blonde cry. “Oh Toms,” Wilbur cooed, a hand running through golden hair, another using its strength to pull Tommy impossibly closer and stroking Tommy’s back. “If I- I- ha-had had been the- the tiniest bit se-selfish!”Tommy yelped, his face burrowing into Wilbur’s clothes. “I just wanna be with them again, Wil,” Tommy sniffed, holding back his tears. “I keep having these d-dreams, and I’m in the car crash or I’m stuck in place watching it- and and,” Tommy sniffed, attempting not to cry anymore but his wall was breaking, the flood gates had already opened once. “Tommy, oh, Tommy,” “and I- I- hated being cal-called sunshine by- by you because mum used- to call me that, but I think I was too- afraid to know I like-liked it, I liked the comfort in engaging something that- that reminded me of mum because I was constantly grieving,” Tommy finally sobbed, his arms gripping around Wilbur all of a sudden. “Tommy, I don’t know what to say, oh Tom,” Wilbur closed his eyes, and he cried with Tommy.

Tommy slept in Wilbur’s bed again, he wasn’t asleep, guilt was eating him alive. He made Wilbur cry, he made his big brother upset. Wilbur was hugging the younger, cradling him and wrapping him up all tight and snuggly in blankets. Tommy appreciated the gesture and he found it kind, but then it made him feel guilty again because Wilbur was sniffling and wiping stray tears from his eyes the entire time he lay blankets over Tommy. Tommy felt all safe and cosy, but his guilt was making him feel unsafe. But still, he couldn’t cut, if he moved Wilbur would wake up, and how would he even manage to find a blade? So Tommy stayed there in Wilbur’s arms, his eyes drooping shut, tears springing at the edge of his closed eyes as he jolted with a quieted cry. Tommy had never felt so alone, even when he was sat in his living room being told his parents were dead, the morning after his attempt, his parents' funeral, he felt isolated. He felt trapped in his mind and it scared him, he wanted to break free and tell someone but he could never word how he felt properly that he felt walls were closing in, trapping his mind even tighter and tighter, and when his mind suffocated so did Tommy. Tommy shook softly, soft cries escaping from his throat, as quiet as he could. Tommy thought of his mum and dad, where were they? Were they in heaven, hell, an endless void? What happened when they died? Did they feel hurt? Tommy’s eyes snapped open as he derailed, thinking of things he didn’t have to worry about till he was old. ‘Am I even going to live to old age? Die in a car crash from a selfless alcoholic?’ Tommy's mind raced.

“Oh toms,” Wilbur cooed, his loose grip on Tommy tightened again, Tommy had woken the man up. “Don’t cry,” Wilbur murmured quietly, a thumb rubbing circles on Tommy's shoulder. “Think of your mind as a plane, you’ve just got to keep it flying, every time you land safely is a day you survived, don’t let yourself crash,” Wilbur advised softly, opening his eyes and looking at Tommy’s face. “but I just wanna let myself fall, Wil,” Tommy pouted, and Wilbur frowned. “Would you let it fall if me or Phil, even techno were in the plane?”Wilbur had checkmate, Wilbur was right. Tommy wouldn’t ever let something happen to them. So then Wilbur’s analogy of it struck Tommy in the face. He had to keep on going, not for himself, but for others, and then hopefully, he’ll realise that there are things to live for.
"Tomorrow we can paint my walls, just me and you," Wilbur told Tommy, he read online that giving a suicidal person things to look forward to was a great distraction, even if it was as simple as painting a wall. "And we can watch movies all day, and I can cook a shit meal, but still, it's made by me so it'll be special," Wilbur hummed, his hand moving to Tommy's hair and caressing it gently, a smile set on his lips. "I love you, little not so brother," Wilbur says, his voice below a whisper as Tommy burst out into giggles. "I love you too, you fuckin' cringe magnet,"

Chapter Text

Tommy’s head was abusing him.

He didn’t know how he got here, his legs dangling over a bridge, his head screaming at him, his heart thumping too fast, Tommy could hear it pounding in his ears as he took shaky breaths. Anxiety wracked his bones and every muscle or limb in his body, his hands twitching with the anxiousness flowing through him. Tears ran down his pale face, his head turned at every single noise around him, a bird singing, leaves swishing against each other, the sound of the water below him; I was all too much. 

Tommy was meant to be painting with Wilbur, he was meant to be playing with him and throwing paint on each other's clothes, paint splattering their bodies as they both giggled, bodies leaning against the walls as they moved with their laughter. 

But instead, Tommy found himself on a bridge, at six pm, alone. 

Alone, afraid and suicidal. Three things that don’t mix well with Tommy. Tommy pulled his legs up from swaying in the wind and let his head hide in the crook between his knees, wrapping his bleeding arms around his legs. Tommy had scratched his arms, they burned, only adding to the pain that was coursing through his body. 

Come on Tommy, do it. Jump. End it. 

Tommy’s breath hitched as the thoughts echoed through his brain, it got louder and louder until it was just a pounding sound in his head. Tommy wanted to rip his head open, gripping at his scalp trying to claw the thoughts away but it didn’t work. His breathing was uneven again and even if it was the last of his problems it was still important. Tommy just shook with impatience, he wanted to make a decision. It was either life, or die, or just disappear. 

His phone rang, and he looked at the caller ID.

It was Em, it was Molly. It was one of his best friends yet he let it ring until a message popped up. A simple ‘Call me, I want to know you’re safe, love you xx He loved Molly, she was his best friend and she was always so easy to talk to, but his hands couldn’t grab his phone, it was too busy grabbing hair and beating himself up mentally.

Tommy felt alone, a familiar dread hung over him. Then a reminder, he had run from Wilbur.

Wilbur was probably scrambling all over the place, calling Mark and jumping in his car, probably calling Technoblade and Phil, looking for Tommy who was so close to the edge he felt the adrenaline replace the feeling of being alone, his body needing the thrill of the jump, but the anxious reminder that this was it. 

Tommy stood up, his mind decided where it wanted to go, his body was just the vessel to satisfy it.

Tommy took all his cash out of his bank account, which was only around £60 but it was enough. He walked to the train station and bought himself a ticket to Nottingham, waiting at the platform for the train to come into the station as rain poured down, making a satisfying latter sound as Tommy leaned against the wall of the building, a sigh escaping from his throat. He opened his tired eyes and his train was at the station, Tommy pulled himself off of the wall, a sudden longing to get back home as soon as he could.

—

“What do you mean Tommy not with you?”Mark said, and Wilbur rambled, panic lacing his voice as he dramatically gestured. Wilbur was getting soaked standing at Mark’s front door, his body shook with the cold and unsatisfying feeling of panic. He didn’t mean to make Tommy uncomfortable or upset. It was just a normal conversation. 

“I confronted him about not eating,” Wilbur bit his tongue, tears pricking at his eyes. “He fainted because of low blood pressure and that’s when I knew I had to confront him about it,” Wilbur says, his heart was aching with sorrow and the grief of the loss of friendship between the two so quickly, Tommy had made it clear they had fallen out over the topic. “I only wanted him to be safe,” Wilbur sobs, his shoulders tightening as he held his head low. 

“Kids!”Mark yelled up the stairs, motioning for Wilbur to come in.

“Come on, Violet get your brother up!”Mark walked down the hall, Wilbur awkwardly shuffling behind him, his shoes making a squelching noise he didn’t appreciate, the two climbed up the stairs. Wilbur took in the smell of what he’d describe home as, some candles and this vanilla scent, a feeling of homeliness pooling in his gut, he made a reminder in his head to visit his own home at some point, say hello to his mum and dad. The walls were painted cream with some family photos and cheap decor, plush carpets and some miscellaneous items he linked to Mark’s pair of children. 

“Sweetheart?”A woman yawned, stepping out of one of the rooms. Ginger hair was pulled into a loose ponytail with some strands of hair framing her face, and Wilbur suddenly felt all anxiousness go away, instead, a sense of anger took over him as he met eyes with the monster who looked so kind and elegant who hurt his Tommy, his little brother, no- his son. Wilbur's jaw tightened, his eyes burning a hole into Johanna’s, who immediately turned sour. She knew who Wilbur was and she didn’t like it. Wilbur clenched his fists as he passed her, giving her one last look of such disgust she retreated into the room, Mark opening up a door. 

“This is Tommy’s room,” Mark says, he shuffles around some items, a teddy bear, a notebook, and his keyboard. Wilbur stood there awkwardly, his mind still focusing on Johanna. She looked so normal, so kind and welcoming and it made Wilbur’s anger turn into fury writhing through his veins “What are you looking for?”Wilbur tried to put aside the thoughts of Johanna and instead looked around Tommy’s bedroom. Some white walls, and red bedsheets which Wilbur smiled softly, Tommy always liked the colour red. With some stuffed animals, messy drawers pulled out, and clothes hanging from them, Wilbur walked over and carefully tidied up the drawers for Tommy. Shaky hands folding up jeans. “A key, to his parent's house, he keeps one on him at all times and then keeps one in here somewhere, he took our spare,” Mark fumbled with his words, Mark was stiff and tense, Wilbur knew the older cared for Tommy but he didn’t know how such man could hurt a sixteen-year-old going through the grief of losing parents, it must’ve taken a lot of pushing or arguments. 

“Wilbur, can I be honest for a second?”

“Yes?”Wilbur raised an eyebrow, his hands still holding Tommy’s jeans as his back straightened from the bending down position he was in, meeting eyes with the man who now held a key in his hands.

“I don’t know if I can take care of Tommy,” Mark’s voice was raspy like he was afraid to let it out, and Wilbur’s brows furrowed. “He’s just so, so, he,” Mark lost his words, his breathing heavy as he fidgeted with the key. “He reminds me so much of my sister,” Mark frowns, and Wilbur is shocked. On one hand, he could understand, the grief of losing a loved one and being reminded of them daily, it hurts, but how could he be so selfish to let go of Tommy? Mark owes him everything, after making him bleed and making him cry, and even with an apology that is something hard to recover from. “And I don’t like to say it but, his head it’s so messed up, I can’t have him breaking down in front of the kids anymore, Wil. He gets so graphic, but at the same time I want to help him I want to, I do, I’m just lost,” Mark’s breathless, he’s pleading for advice, for help. Wilbur was ticked off, he knew the man was right about Tommy’s tendencies of being graphic or accidentally spilling something, screaming hurtful words and swears and in front of kids could traumatise them, but Mark's response to that was hurting Tommy, even if Tommy broke down and Mark cradled him as he writhed around, crying and screaming, comforting Tommy. 

He wanted to get rid of him.

“Are you going to give him up?” Wilbur is as calm as he can be, his hands are gripping the item of clothing and he’s so torn to both sides. “I don’t know, I was thinking maybe if he extended his stay with you for a bit, till I figure it out?” “I wouldn’t mind that at all, Mark.”Wilbur nods, sighs and his breath is heavy and he halted, then he continued to fold the jeans.

Wilbur was in Mark’s car now, Violet and Vincent in the back seat, Johanna wasn’t allowed to leave the house past 9:00 pm due to an ankle monitor, Wilbur smirked when he saw it, that bitch was gonna pay slowly. Mark didn’t even trust her to be alone with her children.

“Daddy, where are we going?”Violet groaned, her eyes lidded as she sunk into the car seat, she was already tired. “We’re going to Tommy’s place, yeah?” Mark turned down the radio, Wilbur smiled at the children awkwardly and softly, that anxious feeling in his stomach had returned, he was fearing for Tommy’s life. Would the blonde even be there, would the blonde even be alive? Wilbur closed his eyes, turning his head towards the window, opening his eyes and watching street lights pass, he missed his Tommy. He wished he had never brought up the topic of Tommy not eating, he hoped he was just overthinking, but most importantly he hoped Tommy would forgive him. 

“Can you call 999, they’ll get there quicker than we will,” Mark said and Wilbur hissed, his head whipping around to look at Mark, who was driving too fast, still being cautious, thank god. “Don’t you think?-“

“No, I don’t think I’m being over dramatic, Wilbur, this boy is suicidal, he self harms and right now he’s alone and possibly at a house with handfuls of items that he could hurt himself with or end himself with, we need more people looking for him,”

Wilbur didn’t say anything else, instead, he pulled out his phone from his pocket and dialled the emergency number.

“999, police, fire, or ambulance?” An operator’s dull voice echoed. “Police, please.” Wilbur sniffles, his heart twists in his chest as he sighs, tears wanting to spill. “Police, how May we help you?” “Hi, my friend has erm ran away, I’m here with his guardian and we think he’s at his old house, we just want someone to get there before we do because he is suicidal and at risk of hurting himself,” Wilbur says, hearing typing on the other end and guilt washes over him. Tommy would never forgive him for this. “May I speak with his guardian?”The operator's voice is monotone, it’s almost frightening to Wilbur and he mouths to Mark, Who shakes his head. “No, he’s driving,” calling the police on your best friend is painstakingly accurate to mental torture, he wants to just end the call. “His name is Thomas Simons, he’s sixteen, blonde hair, blue eyes, he’s really thin and pale, he’s wearing a black hoodie with a white smiley face printed on it and some baggy dark blue jeans, his shoes are messed up and really dirty red converse, he’s around 5’9 or 6’1” Wilbur robotically responds to the operator and he tells them the address. “Do you know what might’ve led him to run away?” 

Wilbur’s heart twisted again, this was his fault.

“I confronted him with the idea of him starving himself, he got overwhelmed and he left my home when I was napping,” more typing, that agonising typing. “What’s your name and the guardian's name?”  “My name is William Gold, and his guardian is his uncle Mark- uh Mark Stevenson,” 

—

Tommy was infuriated. 

He was hidden in a tree across from his house, watching Wilbur and Mark greet police officers and let them in. His phone was on silent and do not disturb, his eyes were red and puffy, and his body was left hiding in the bushes and leaves of the tree, the hoodie covering his golden blonde hair from view, hiding away.
Tommy’s body was lax against a branch, laying somewhat comfortably as he curled into himself, shivering from the bite of cold air. 

He saw Wilbur on the phone, he heard Wilbur shout at Phil and break down on the phone over his disappearance, blaming it on himself. That made Tommy cave, he couldn’t stay angry at Wilbur, how could he? It was Wilbur. He would cross the seven seas, climb Mount Everest and almost freeze to death in the artic if Wilbur asked or if it could make Wilbur happy. 

Tommy made Wilbur blame himself.

Tommy closed his eyes as he let tears run down his cheeks again, crying silently, his soft hiccups covered up by the chatter of police and doors closing. “Phil, I’m so worried, I don’t want him to be hurt,” Wilbur’s begging Phil for Tommy to be okay, even if it’s out of Phil’s power he’s pleading, hoping Phil can make it all better. Wilbur and Phil are like father and son.  

Tommy watched as the police presence lessened and even Wilbur and Mark disappeared to walk into the home. He heard the police saying they’d be in the area but they couldn’t stay all night, so they locked the house up again and left. Tommy opened the door to the house, and he felt the heavy air, and the presence of his parents that comforted him in such a strange way. He knew Mark paid the bills for the home, he knew there was leftover gas in the tank, he knew there was some pasta in the cupboards that wouldn’t be gone out of date and he knew his room and his parents’ room still had blankets.

Tommy turned on the heating, the house was freezing and it didn’t make Tommy feel comfortable. He turned the dial, and he closed his eyes, leaning against the wall, tears still streaming down his face as he walked into the kitchen, flipping on a light and grabbing a cup, getting a glass of water. Tommy didn’t like it but he knew he had to eat, so he grabbed an old pan and poured some water, then got the pasta from the almost empty cupboard. Grief was hitting him like a truck, but he bathed in the comfort it brought. Memories. It brought memories, and that’s why Tommy liked it because he could hang onto the memories that he wasn’t going to be making with his parents anymore. 

He added some tomato purée that didn’t go out of date while he was gone. He ate it at the table, washing his dishes and letting them dry, before trudging up the steps of his home and his body drifted towards his bedroom.

When he opened his bedroom door it felt homely, he felt at home and any sadness he’d felt immediately dispersed as he shut the door carefully, and crawled on top of the bed, throwing a throw blanket over him and he sunk into the sick scenario of it just being another night at home with his parents, they were alive and in bed themselves and Tommy was going to bed to go to school in the morning. 

—

Wilbur Soot @Wilbur soot

Anyone around the Nottingham or Brighton or even London area that sees Tommy please call 999, he’s currently at high risk and he’s run from home, he’s wearing a black dream hoodie and blue jeans and you should recognise him. 

“You’re doing the right thing by using your platform to say that, don’t let the guilt eat at you,” Mark puts a hand on top of Wilbur’s. “You can stay in Tommy’s room tonight, we’ll go out and look for him again tomorrow,” Mark reassures, Wilbur, nods, smiling at the man. He’s trying to help Tommy, he shouldn’t let guilt hang around him if he’s trying to help.

-

Tommy’s sleep wasn’t plagued by nightmares, he woke up refreshed and actually at peace, he knew today was the day he was going to be reunited with his parents, he had to be. If he felt as peaceful as he was just by sleeping in his home then how peaceful would he feel if he was back with his mother and father?

He just had to get through the current day and do it at night so people wouldn’t see him jump. Tommy laid in bed a bit longer, letting the warmth hug him, light streaming in through the open blinds, his body relaxed and he was happy. 

Tommy's eyes closed again, and a soft hum escaped his throat, a smile on his face widening, he opened his eyes again, rubbing at them gently as he pushed himself upwards and against the headboard of the bed, the blanket was strewn across him messily, Tommy throwing it off of him as he slipped on his shoes and made his bed again. Ready to go off into hiding until he could finally jump. 

Chapter Text

it was raining.

The rain was pattering down on his back, and Tommy was getting soaked in the rain. He didn't know what the time was, he couldn't feel the rain, he couldn't feel himself shiver. and he was looking at the drop below him. the rain was shooting onto the rough waves of the river, it was storming. Tommy just felt numb, he was on the wrong side of the railings, a rope was around his neck, if it snapped at least the drop below him would kill him or let him drown. Tommy wanted to jump, it was the pain of not knowing what the clean up would be. Mark writing on his twitter announcing his death, making a video? Wilbur at his funeral, Phil, Tubbo, Ranboo? His death trending on twitter, just for him to be overtook by some political party or a different youtuber, people saying he deserved it, maybe on his birthday or his death day he'd trend again, maybe lovejoy would dedicate a song to him? What would Em think, she only talked to Tommy a few times in school, they texted a lot, would she mourn? 

Tommy thought about Wil tweeting about him, more people than just the police, Wil, and Mark would be looking for him. He's been trending on twitter.

Tommy just stared, the sun is setting in the distance, he could see it through the clearing of trees. He just stared, it was - in Tommy's own thoughts - The only way to die. At peace with his life, a beautiful sunset behind him. It was almost poetic.

his feet are starting to slip, and the only thing keeping him up is his hands on the bars of the railings, he’s going to do it, he is Tommy’s arms are bloodied with the blood from the cuts from the previous hour, if he didn't die from the drop or the rope he'd die from the blood loss or infection.  He’s so close, he can already taste the freedom, he may feel empty but adrenaline and anticipation are pooling in his gut, and he feels almost excited. He leans his head back as far as the rope let him, letting his face get pelted by the harsh rain. His hands start to slip off of the wet bars, he's slipping. The  His feet slip, then his hands.

Until someone grabs his hands. 

“Tommy,” He opens his eyes, and he sees a medical team and five police officers. “Hey, hey please, please,” The officer, the name tag reads ‘McGulligan’ is begging and Tommy is too in shock to try and shake his hands away, they pull him up, not over the railings quite yet but so is hands are back touching the railings. He’s finally crying, the only emotion he feels is grief. “I'm an officer, yeah you can tell,” The officer is shaking, Tommy gulps. “My name is Shroud, normally I'm not allowed to tell people but you’re special,” Shroud smiles, it's a nervous smile, clearly. 

“Why don't you climb over the railings for me?”

Tommy’s breath hitches, he doesn't want to climb over the railing, he shakes his head. Tommy doesn’t want to say anything, nor does he think he’d be able to say anything other than a babbled mess. “Hey, get them out of here, they can't be recording.”A different unnamed officer whispers to another, and Tommy glares in confusion before he looks at the hill behind him and he sees some people in the trees. They’re recording his mental health crisis. He’s probably streaming and people are seeing it happen in time, and he's trending on Twitter again. “Hey, Tommy, look at me, not them,” Shroud’s voice is kind, and Tommy likes it. “Why do you wanna do this tonight?” He whispers, and Tommy looks at him with eyes that take the man aback. “Everybody ends up dying,” Tommy’s voice is raspy, he’s barely audible but Shroud hears it loud and clear. “Yes, but you're only sixteen,” shroud puts his hand through the railings and very carefully does he pick the noose off and around Tommy’s neck. Still, the fall is deadly. “You’re a famous kid YouTuber that has a life to live,” Shroud’s hands hold Tommy's arm, and the teen lets go of the railing and lets the man hold it.

“Maybe in a different universe.” Tommy murmurs.

“TOMMY, NO!”

and he leans back, thrusting himself backwards as Shriud scrambles to catch his fingers, he's being pulled upwards faster than he was being pulled downwards. “Please,” Tommy sobs, begging, he's shaking his head repeatedly and sobbing, his entire body aches and he's just cold. “Please, Shroud, just let me die.” His sentences are surprisingly clear because his intentions are clear. “Please, please,” He babbles, voice turning into inaudible squeaks. 

“Tommy I don't need stupid metaphors or examples to get you over this bridge, because I know underneath all that hurting you're a strong boy, who needs a lot of help and support because you are not able to handle your feelings of grief and these horrible thoughts plaguing your mind.” Shroud’s voice was shaky and Tommy finally gives in. He doesn't want to make someone experience this. His hands reach upward and grip the handrail and Shroud and another officer is there to lift him upwards. “You’re okay,”

The next few hours Tommy isn't even sure he remembers. 

He gets checked out, he gets put into an ambulance when the officers decide the cop car might be a bit more suitable, he's not in a state to be restrained. He’s carefully placed in the back of Shroud and his partner’s car. He doesn't remember the name. He can’t even cry, he just visions himself in the back of that police car, like he's watching a film or a documentary about him, just seeing him at his absolute lowest. He’s not even sure he can speak.

He's in the hospital, not even sleeping on the hospital bed. Shroud is beside him, holding his hand while doctors are doing some work. His arms need to be stitched up, and he’s just exhausted.

He’s being knocked out, it's around three am and he hasn't slept. He's not sure of Wilbur or Marks's whereabouts. 

When he wakes up it's unbearably bright. He’s in Wilbur’s clothes, the nurses must of changes him, he's in a grey hoodie and one of Wilbur’s plaid pyjama trousers with the drawstring of both removed. There's a nurse prodding at him and he’s confused until he realises what's in the nurse's hands.

A feeding tube. 

“No, STOP!”Tommy yells and tries to push her off, he's weak and doesn't do much but it's enough to alarm other nurses and doctors. 

He’s violently held down by people as the nurses shove a feeding tube up his nose and all he can do is sit there, he can't move he can't cry. He can only wait for it to be over.

When they leave him five minutes later Wilbur and Phil walk into his hospital room and Tommy frowns. “Tommy, hey,” Wilbur whispers, and he sits on the edge of the bed. “You’re gonna be living with Phil for a bit, I didn’t pass the checks,” Wilhur frowns, and Tommy is more than confused. He’d speak if his throat didn't ache from the tube being shoved down it. He only turns his head. “Mark gave up his rights to be your guardian.” 

Chapter Text

Tommy stays still,

He’s still very unable to speak and one of the deepest feelings of betrayal just hits his chest. It hits him harder than anything ever, well apart from the news of his parent's accident and their death.

Wilbur and Phil are analysing him, they are all silent. Wilbur’s sat at the edge of Tommy's bed, Phil standing sort of awkwardly at the wall, leaning on it. “Okay,” Tommy murmurs, his voice is a bit raspy but he’s glad he knows he’s able to speak, even if it hurts like hell. “okay?” Wilbur questions. “Everyone leaves me anyway,” Tommy mutters quietly, holding his knees to his chest and resting his head on his knees.

Phil and Wilbur’s breaths both hitch and for a few seconds none of them breathes. The silence pounds in Tommy’s ears as he sighs, closing his eyes and looking over at the two men. “How’s Techno?” Tommy says, his eyes are stingy, he wants to cry he thinks, but he won’t. “Worried about you, we haven’t texted him in a bit,” Phil answers, trying to supply a sad smile to hopefully make Tommy feel a bit more comfortable, or at least able to open up. “I’m tired,” Tommy doesn’t meet anyone’s gaze, carefully closing his eyes and sighing before opening them again. “Rest for a bit more, we’ll be back to wake you soon,”

When Tommy woke he’ was in a bedroom.

He can hear Phi and his wife talking downstairs, about how inexplainable and ignorant for them not to place Tommy in a psychiatric facility for even a few days. Tommy agreed with them in his mind, he was surprised he was at Phil’s house. Some of his belongings he noticed were in boxes, with some of his clothes folded on top. Tommy closed his stinging eyes, sighing as he gets up and puts his feet as far away as possible from under the bed, he haven’t kicked the habit of it yet, even if the nightmares have recently stayed at bay. Tommy stands, a small creak fills the silent room as Tommy tiptoes to the closed door, opening it with a small creak. Tommy goes into the hallway, putting one foot in front of the other to go downstairs. He doesn’t really know the layout of Phil’s home, but he knows that the living room should be to the right, and then the kitchen door is right in front of him.

As he opens the kitchen door and waves softly, Phil smiles, and Kristin is quick to follow. “Hey,” Phil says, going to hug Tommy, and Tommy accepts the embrace fully, Phil truly was like a dad. It was sort of inexplainable, Phil just had that dad vibe. It sort of made Tommy a bit sad, but he pushed it to the side, right now the priority was getting a bit better. “Are you hungry?” Phil asks, pulling away from the hug as he motions for Kristin to look in the freezer. “I-“ Tommy mutters, he knows he needs to get even the tiniest bit better maybe, just to pull him up off of the edge, he doesn’t want it. “I guess I could eat,” Tommy says, thankful that he actually had the choice to eat, and that the horrible feeding tube was out. “You’ve been out for like, a day,” Kristin laughs as she pulls out some packaged steak from the fridge, and Phil points to the dining table and Tommy pulls out a seat and sits.  “Really?”Tommy asks confused, a day? “Yes, we tried to wake you up once but you flipped us off,” Phil tells him, adding a soft laugh to the end of his sentence and Tommy rolls his eyes. That’s so him. “You like green beans, Tom?”  Kristin asks, and Tommy nods. “I’ll just make some normal vegetables, you can pick out what you dislike,” Kristin advises and Tommy silently agrees.

Staring down at his phone that Phil had just returned to him, something about it being taken from him in the ‘incident’ and he wasn’t really allowed it back, but Phil didn’t think it was fair. Turning it on he sighs as he opens Twitter.

It’s not good, he’s still trending and he doesn’t like people talking about him, some news articles are even talking about it and sure enough, a video of it is spreading around.

He eats the food.

He’s surprised with himself as he excuses, Phil told him he can unpack whatever he’d like to make himself more comfortable.

The feeling is there, the heavy indescribable feeling because the feeling is too strong to explain. A mix of grief, a heavy tight feeling in your chest, and sadness. He’s afraid to close his eyes in case he just starts crying out of nowhere, the harsh feeling of depression slapping him as he sits down on the floor of what could be his new bedroom if anyone else doesn’t leave him like always.

He puts up some posters, and some random fairy lights he found abandoned in the closet and went over to the bed, putting some curled-up blankets on each other beside the pillows and settling down on top of the duvet. Even if it’s a very hot summer Tommy just wants to feel the burn of the warmth, of the sweat trickling down his back, he needs to know that this isn’t fake.

He needs to know that he’s finally safe from Johanna.

He’s afraid he might never realise that though.

He sleeps for a bit, he notices the blinds have been pulled back and the many fairy lights have been switched on as well as a reading lamp on top of a desk in the corner. Wait, that’s his desk from his old room at Mark’s house. He sighs, looking around the room a bit more and seeing his phone ringing.

“Hello-?”

“TOMMY THANK FUCK!” He hears Tubbo screech, and Tommy pulls the phone away from his ear.

“Tub, hey,” Tommy replies a lot quieter, and Tubbo seems to understand the tone. “I’m sorry, but seriously man, what the fuck?” Tubbo sounds desperate, he sounds scared, and Tubbo is very scared. He’s fucking frightened, he’s worried for his best friend who was just rescued from trying to kill himself 48 hours ago. “Hey, Tubbo, things are messed up right now and I don’t understand it myself, and I don’t want to talk about anything right now, but I love you, okay?” Tommy says, and Tubbo and he don’t say anything for a few minutes.

“You’re selfish, Tommy.”

What?

“You’re a horrible fucking person, do you know that?” Tommy can feel his heart beating in his ears as he prepares himself for the lecture, for the screaming, for the beatings, for the “but that’s what you want us to tell you, isn’t it?” Tubbo’s voice cracks. “You want us to tell you that so you have a reason to feel the way you do, but the thing is you are selfish.” there’s a thick pause in the moment and Tommy hasn’t taken a breath. “You let yourself go, you let yourself get so close to the edge, so close to jumping off, you let yourself love us, but as soon as we want to let you receive that love back you decline it, you lie, you lie how you feel to us a lot, let yourself separate from us and hurt yourself in return.”

“I love you, Tommy,” Tubbo says. “I love you too, Toby,”

They end the call, simple as that and Tommy lays back down. Closing his eyes again he falls back asleep. All he knows is that it’s sleep or suffering in silence.

Chapter Text

It’s been a few days.

Tommy has been attempting to keep busy, he posted an old video he had just finished editing, he talked to techno a lot, he saw Wilbur a lot too, the older now staying in the guest bedroom down stairs. Tommy hadn’t read most of the comments on the video, but some popped up on his emails which he read. Some were telling him to take a break, and he smiled fondly because of the memories from Wilbur telling him to do the exact same, some were asking if he was okay, new fans which were oblivious to the situation commenting on how funny the video was. Tommy sighed, he didn’t know what to do anymore, nothing made him buys enough to actually distract him, he had done some weird activities with Wilbur, who attempted to make a Minecraft cake in real life and had almost accidentally made a very illegal drug, it was very funny to see Phil in full on Dadza mode but still didn’t keep him busy enough. 

it was four am, and he was alone downstairs in one of the storage rooms. He’s sitting at an old piano Phil for some reason had. It hadn’t been in use, the dust layered over the keys said enough. The room was filled with random items, a few old pc parts, some random old furniture, not much in it but at the same time it was filled. Tommy was back to being very unable to sleep, insomnia had attached itself back to him and it was quite annoying. When he should be resting and recovering he of course, wasn’t able to do it fully. Tommy sighed tiredly, closing his eyes and reopening them again.

Tommy lifted his hand and traced the dust on the keys of the piano, the grey fluff rubbing off and trailing along on his finger. Carefully, he presses down. Tommy hadn’t played since before his parents had died. He decided it’d probably be good to practice, see if he could keep it up. 

Tommy tries to remember the last song he played on the piano, he does remember something about a musical, so, he played a song he could remember from a musical. One chord, then the next, careful fingers pressing down and Tommy was glad the piano was in tune, and it wasn’t scratchy or screechy, he wouldn’t like to wake the people upstairs. It’s a song, the hill, from the musical once. Carefully Tommy plays it, he can’t remember the full thing, only the first half or so. He plays peacefully, and the words of it play in his head. Tommy wants to play a song with Wilbur maybe, Wilbur could sing and play guitar and Tommy would play the piano. Tommy smiles.

a few different songs later, a couple of searches for some chords, it’s almost eight am. Tommy carefully stands up, pushing the chair back into the piano and carefully closing the key cover on top, with a soft quiet noise it’s closed. Tommy opens the door with a soft click, and then it closes with the same click. 

He walks down the hallway into the kitchen where he normally is sitting, waiting for the others to come down and greet him. He sits on one of the dining tables and scrolls on his phone for a bit. 

Wilbur is the first down, he’s yawning when he spots the blonde, and he instantly grins. “Hello, Tommy!” Wilbur chirps cheerfully, walking over to Tommy and sitting in the chair beside him, pushing his chair closer to hug the teen. “How are you?” Wilbur says and Tommy laughs when he tightens his grip. “I’m good, how’d you sleep?” Tommy smiles a bit, and Wilbur hums, pulling away from Tommy. “I slept well, you?” Wilbur and Tommy talk, they laugh and when Kristin joins them and starts to make breakfast, then Phil, Tommy has never felt so loved. It’s not like’s never experienced family love like this before, but it’s refreshing to really feel it again after awhile. 

Tommy thinks he’s getting better.

After being so close to death and pretty much recovers from it twice, he’s never been so ready to go and experience life, he’s a sheltered orphan who has never really had any sort of experience with anything really. So he’s gonna try and get better maybe, try. If he fails to get better again, he’ll be sure he wants to try it again. 

It’s a little bit after one in the afternoon when exhaustion takes over Tommy. 

He’s sitting with Wilbur on the sofa, Wilbur still up to some random shenanigans and causing enough chaos for both of them. Tommy’s slipping into a nap. “Wilbur I swear to god- stop threatening to accidentally make meth again!” Phil scolds playfully, and Wilbur smirks, turning to Tommy to get the kid to agree that making meth accidentally is extremely funny, instead he sees Tommy curled up into himself half asleep. “Oh,” Wilbur softens his smile, and a second later he places a blanket over him. It’s still the middle of a hot summer but outside it was storming, so Wilbur puts an extra blanket on him just incase. 

All of them watch a movie, except for Tommy as he’s blissfully passed out. So Wilbur puts on a sad war movie, like the fucker he is.

it’d around mid afternoon when Tommy wakes. The lights in the living room are turned off, the blinds pulled closed for him. There’s not a sound and Tommy doesn’t move from his spot, just looks around the room with his eyes and assumes Phil may be streaming, Wilbur doing whatever Wilbur does, and Kristin might be cooking dinner.

Tommy likes this.

Chapter Text

Tommy was pretty tired. 

he hasn’t slept in a bit, and the others have noticed and immediately took action and got him some melatonin gummy’s, which don’t really work for awhile, but it does get him at least a few hours of sleep.

When he’s not sleeping or doing his own thing with any of the people in the house he’ll play piano, mostly at night since nobody can really hear him, and it’s not suspicious. It’s be a bit weird if Tommy spent all of his day in a storage room, wouldn’t it? 

The piano is as beautiful sounding as ever as Tommy’s fingers play. 

Playing some random songs mixing them into each other, he sits and thinks. 

Tommy just plays, and distances himself in his mind, he can start to feel the melatonin making his head fuzzy. Still, he plays away.

—

“Phil, where’s Tommy?” Wilbur asks as he steps into the kitchen, and the older shrugs. “Still sleeping, why?” Kristin slaps Phil gently, answering Wilbur for him. “He’s not in bed,” Wilbur goes to check the living room, nobody’s there. Then runs bakc uostairs to double check Tommy’s room, then checks Phil and Kristin’s room, the bathroom, and still, nobody’s there.

“Erm, Phil, Tommy’s missing,” Wilbur says confused as he walks down the steps. He knows Tommy wouldn’t be outside, it’s a possibility but Tommy’s been afraid to even leave the house in awhile, afraid of fans recognising him or the urge to run again. Overwhelmed of the fear of himself. 

“Oh,” 

Phil murmurs, setting down his cup of tea he walks down the hallway of the storage room. He checks some of the other rooms first, and his office incase Tommy is trying to sabotage his stats, and Phil doesn’t really think to check the storage room until a soft piano key sings out, and him and Wilbur both give each other a strange look. 

Wilbur opens the door with a soft creek and, sure enough , there the blonde was, resting his head atop his arms resting on the piano keys. Wilbur smiles, and Phil takes a photo. Sometimes Tommy and Wilbur get each other, sometimes they mix up who really is their family because of how domestic this whole situation is, but then again Tommy doesn’t really have anyone to feel domesticated. So they’re not in the same boat, just similar, but even so they both still get it. Even if one has a pair of alive parents.

Wilbur goes into the room, gently pulling Tommys arms away from the keys, and then creeps around to the side of Tommy, then picks him up. Carrying Tommy, happy that he feels even the littlest bit heavier than the last time he carried him. Tommy gently nuzzles into the warmth of Wilbur’s chest and, carefully after a journey down the hallway again, Tommy is set down on the living room sofa. 

It’s late morning when he wakes up. 

Tommy obviously still has his eyes closed, shrugging the blanket on top of him up further. He could care less if it was summer, it was still storming and it’s Tommy’s rules. 

Wilbur is in the room with him, he can hear him typing on his laptop, he doesn’t need to open his eyes to know. Wilbur’s comouter clicking is very recognisable, his typing is very soft compared to others. Unless you hear him typing an angry email. That’s a type of Wilbur Tommy doesn’t like think about…

A noise rings through the air, disrupting the peaceful noises of typing and cars driving past the house. 

Tommy’s eyes open quickly, and he shoots up, looking at Wilbur as he sighs with relief. 

“Hey, you’re okay,” Wilbur urges, he can’t read Tommy’s mind but he can read body language pretty well. Tommy’s hands are shaking, and Tommy nods, licking his dry lips and swallowing nervously. “That was scary, wasn’t it?” Wilbur saves his potential song idea, closing his laptop and walking over to where Tommy is sitting on the L shaped couch, bringing over the door rest to make the shape more like a bed. Tommy nods, and Wilbur sits beside him carefully, and Tommy leans into him. “It was just a glass, don’t worry, we would never do that to you,” Wilbur caresses Tommy’s hair, combing out knots and twirling his fingers around in the curls. Gently scratching at Tommy’s scalp. “Nobody will or can hurt you here,” Wilbur whispers, and Tommy sighs.

Tommy wishes he wouldn’t have these reactions to the smallest of noises. 

if it’s a good day like this he only jumps, and calms down before he panics some more, but on a bad day he’ll completely freak out. He’ll start shaking uncontrollably and crying, and then running to his room, or just stay wherever he is and break down, or just stand, frozen in fear, stuck in his mind with a memory which is tricking him into thinking it is his current reality. 

With shaky breaths Tommy calms down with Wilbur at his side. “Have you been staying up and playing the piano?” Wilbur playfully scolds, and Tommy giggles tiredly. “Rebelling,” Wilbur adds, letting his fingers trail down away from Tommy’s head and reaching over beside Tommy to the side table, grabbing the tv remote. “Up?” Wilbur asks, already knowing the answer.

Happy, Tommy is happy.

Chapter Text

“Hey, Tommy,” Willbur murmurs into his ear, and Tommy groans unhappily. He was sleeping peacefully and now this bastard had to come wake him up. “What?” Tommy yawns, and he quickly registers he feels sad, and he doesn't know why. “You won't sleep tonight if you nap longer,” Wilbur warns and his hands work through knots in Tommy’s hair. 

Tommy starts crying. 

Immediately Wilbur notices the clear tears running down Tommy’s face and Tommy’s sniffling. “Hey, oh, don’t cry,” Wilbur whispers, and Tommy chokes up, unable to speak as he attempts to stop crying. He just feels so sad, deep down in him there's a pinging feeling in his chest when he breathes, hurting him. “Why are you crying, lovely?” Wilbur whispers again, wrapping up Tommy in his arms carefully. “Do you wanna colour something in? I’ll print us colouring sheets out,” Wilbur is attempting to offer distractions to Tommy. Be thinks it might be a bad day for him, and when Tommy’s like this Wilbur and Kristin have found out he needs to be distracted. 

“yeah,” Tommy’s voice cracks and Wilbur nods. 

They both stand up, Tommy following wilbur to the printer, and for a few minutes, they scroll through printable colouring sheets and decide which ones they’d like to colour. Then Wilbur prints them out, taking Tommy to the kitchen after grabbing some markers. 

“Here,” Wilbur hands Tommy his colouring sheets and sets the markers in the middle. “thank you,” Tommy’s voice is barely audible, quiet and sort of broken. Wilbur looks at him, worried eyes scanning over Tommy, who is grabbing a light green marker. He knows Tommy’s been badly depressed before, he’s seen it, but Tommy had been doing so well. He was going back to the most normal version of himself that Wilbur could remember. 

Wilbur grabs a marker too, they both sit in silence for a bit before Wilbur starts telling a random story. 

Tommy lets out a sad laugh when Wilbur tells the funny part, and Wilbur’s heart shatters a bit when he hears it. Maybe he should eley Tommy sleep longer, would he still have woken up like this? “Hey Alexa, play Taylor Swift,” Wilbur calls out, and Alexa immediately plays on a low but audible volume. 

Tommy wonders where Phil and Kristin are, maybe doing stuff normal couples do, on a date or just on a walk. Tommy took a note in his head that they’d stopped doing those sorts of activities since he arrived. Guilt hits him, and Tommy tries to shake it off. Tommy looks outside and the sun is setting. For a moment Tommy stays looking outside at the clouds before resuming his colouring. 

Wilbur dramatically gasps as he stands up and opens the refrigerator. “Tommy, come here!” Wilbur laughs and Tommy hesitantly stands, and Wilbur grabs his wrist and Tommy is incredibly confused as they start dancing. “This is so All too well ten-minute version from the vault, Taylor’s version by Taylor Swift of us!” Wilbur laughs as the song plays in the background, and Tommy makes a puzzled face until the lyric plays. 

Then Tommy laughs a bit, closing the fridge door. Wilbur lets go of him slowly, frowning at the sadness on Tommy’s face. “Are you hungry?” Wilbur offers and Tommy shakes his head, Wilbur takes note of Tommy’s reply. He wasn’t going to force him to ear yet, but he’ll make sure to remind him later.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Wilbur says again, and Tommy shakes his head again. “I’m okay,” Tommy whispers and Wilbur shakes his head. “No, no you’re not,” Wilbur embraces Tommy lightly, but when the younger starts crying and hugs Wilbur back tighter, Wilbur can’t help himself from squeezing Tommy as tight as he can. 

Chapter Text

Phil gets home a bit late, but Wilbur’s at the kitchen table ready to speak to him. 

“Hey mate, Kristin’s at a friend thing,” Phil walks in and doesn't look at Wilbur for a bit. Doing things that were on his mind, before he sits down and looked at Wilbur. “What's wrong?” 

“Tommy’s bad again,”

None of them had really experienced Tommy like this.

Well, they were at the hospital after he attempted - Wilbur was actually there both times - and even when Tommy spoke emptily and sadly he made up for it in the next few days. Or when he got sad he’d sort of get over it and then cause some chaos. 

“Bad as in sad, or bad as in he might throw himself off of a bridge bad?” Phil questions, he doesn’t want to know the answer. He sort of fears it because he doesn’t know how to handle someone with a mental illness. He was there for Wilbur a lot when Wilbur was bad, but Wilbur wasn’t this bad. 

Wilbur sort of knew how to control it, he had unstable mental health sure, but he knew how to keep himself up. 

Tommy, a teenager, does not. 

Whenever they were told Tommy wasn’t doing mentally well it all made sense. 

Even if there were multiple hints of Tommy being unwell, like the nightmares, the pop tart, skipping school, sleeping problems and skipping streams or leaving them on read, it all sort of clicked. Whenever it wasn’t as bad and Tommy was able to hold it together and mask it they wrote it down as teenage rebellion, but then Tommy kept slipping. 

“Bad as I’m he’s at risk of hurting himself again, I think,” Wilbur murmurs with a slight ache in his voice. Wilbur’s eyes are red like he’s been rubbing at them and it’s a sad sight. “He’s sleeping right now, I stayed with him for a bit to make sure he was actually asleep, but,” Wilbur hissed in, shaking his head. “He looked so down, Phil, so fucking down,” Wilbur stares into space for a minute. Closing his eyes. 

“He looked like he had no hope left, and I just,” Wilbur blinks away tears, trying not to cry and Phil sits thinking. “We’ll take him out tomorrow, somewhere fun, he might want out of the house,” Phil speaks carefully while coming up with ideas. “Wilbur, if he does anything in the middle of the night, wake me first okay?” 

“Phil? What do you mean?”

“If you hear something, like a door shutting or the sound of the first aid kit, or crying wake me up first,” 

--

Wilbur wakes up to a cupboard shutting, and then feet running into a room. 

He can hear unstable breathing and sniffles, and he knows. He knows Tommy’s done something bad. 

Getting out of bed the cold air hits him. Wilbut steps on the cold wooden floor and carefully creaks open his door. Phil’s room is closed, so it doesn't take even a few seconds for Wilbur to get there. 

Three quiet knocks, and then Wilbur opens the door. 

“Phil, I think-” Wilbur frowns and he can't finish his sentence. Phil is getting out of bed too, and they both see the blood in the bathroom, and Phil quietly asks Wilbur to sort it out.

Phil opened Tommy’s bedroom door, and the teen attempts to fake being asleep, but the bedroom light is on and there are strewn bloody tissues and bandaid wrappers all over the floor and cut bandages. “Tommy,” Phil says carefully, and Tommy starts crying again. 

“Oh, Tom,” Phil for over the bed and sits on it, seeing Tommy’s sticky tear-stained face. Wilbur was right, Tommy looked so, low. “Let us see, please, I need to make sure you’re not gonna bleed out,” Phil whispers. “I’ve gone deeper,” Tommy sniffles uncomfortably, rubbing his nose. “I’ll be fine,” Tommy’s voice cracks. He’s not going to be fine.

Phil silently curses himself because he sort of underestimated how badly Tommy really was, Yes he was thereafter Tommy tried to jump off of that bridge, and he was there for the nightmares and stuff. But Tommy had recovered so quickly in his eyes, he’d gotten bouncy and happy quickly. But he wasn't ever happy, he was just distracted and that made Phil feel guilty, he expects Wilbur might feel the same.

Wilbur's washing down orange water in the sink, tears falling down his own face as guilt is hitting him like a freight train. He should've spent the night in Tommy’s room, instead, he’s rubbing red stains on the bathroom floor, only half dried and most of the blood still a liquid. He’s had to change towels a good few times.

While Grabbing bleach spray Wilbur turns off the sink tap and sprays the floor with the spray, grabbing another towel and pressing it to the floor, letting it sit for a bit as he sprays and cleans the other stains in the iron-smelling bathroom. A deep pain is in his chest, at his heart. 

His heart shattered into a million pieces because Tommy, his Tommy, has been through too much.

His parents dying, an abusive aunt, people not believing him, people- no Wilbur and his friends being ignorant of how ill Tommy was, two or more suicide attempts. 

He doesn't know how to help Tommy, he loves him so much. So so much, he’d do anything for that boy. Wilbur lives to love Tommy like a blood-related brother. But now he’s rubbing at Tommy’s blood stains.

When Tommy’s done crying, Phil takes him downstairs to finish doing some colouring that Wilbur and Tommy had done earlier that day to keep him distracted. It's around two am, the stars are shining in the sky and Wilbur finally comes downstairs.

“Hey Toms, let's go to sleep?” Wilbur offers and Phil nods in agreement. Tommy shakily stands, eyes red and his hands are shaking. Tommy himself knows that this is the lowest he’s gotten, even if he's tried OD, even if he tried to jump he was all in a strangely calm mood compared to this. This was so different. 

Wilbur didn't sleep the rest of the night, scared. Scared because he didn't want Tommy to leave his bed in the night and it happen again. Wilbur’s arms are protectively over the blonde's torso. 

He doesn't want to let go.

Tommy doesn’t eat the next morning either.

Phil and Wilbur don’t know what to do, Tommy’s just sitting at the table with his arms crossed and his head resting on top.

“Do you want toast?” Wilbur offers, sitting beside Tommy and holding his cold hand. Wilbur tries to ignore the blood under Tommy’s nails. “no,” Tommy rasps, blinking away tears because he just needs to cry. There’s nothing, in particular, upsetting him, it just suddenly came. “please?” Wilbur asks carefully, he’s trying not to push Tommy but he needs this kid to eat. If Tommy doesn’t eat his cuts are at more of a risk of infection or unstable healing, Tommy will have to eat a feeding tube again even though he begged so hard for it to be taken out.

“No.” Tommy urges silently, shaking his head and sighing.

“Okay.”

“Kristin, hey,” Wilbur greets when she walks into the kitchen with a smile. “Hey, Wilbur.” She responds and sets her purse down on the counter, and it’s eerily quiet in the house.,

“Where are Tom and Phil?” Kristin asks.

“Tommy’s feeling down like he’s at a very low low.” Wilbur frowns, Phil and Tommy are down the hall and Phil is teaching him some more piano songs. “He had a relapse last night and he hasn’t been eating,” Wilbur tells Kristin and Kristin immediately matches his sad expression.

“He’ll bounce back, Wil, he always does,” Kristin says hopefully, she always looks for the hood in life and that’s what Wilbur loves most about her. “I’ll start making dinner,” Kristin opens the fridge and Wilbur immediately stands to help her.

“Okay now press this one,” Phil guides Tommy to a piano key, he’s teaching Tommy a weird Mozart song. “Yes, okay, now, play it all,”

Tommy slowly plays a few notes that Phil has taught him so far. “Good, very good Tommy,” Phil grins and he gently places his hands over Tommy’s. “Now this part,” Phil teaches him the next part, and Tommy stays silent throughout it all.

When Phil removes his hands Tommy starts playing a random song, Phil doesn’t know what song it is but it’s slow. “What’s this one?” Phil’s voice breaks through the pleasant piano playing, Tommy accidentally misses a key. Tommy hisses in and lets his hands drop from the piano. “Hey, it’s okay, it was only a key, play on,” Phil encourages, and Tommy listens and goes back to playing from the beginning. “I love you by billie ellish,” Tommy answers finally, and Phil nods.

Tommy ends the song after a bit, seeming to have lost his appetite to even play piano now. Phil panicked a bit, because Tommy’s losing activities to keep him busy.

“He’s really not well, he’s not playing piano,”

since they found out Tommy’s been playing the piano the house will actively be filled with more loud piano playing, random songs that were so loud the sound proofing didn’t work properly. When it’s night and Tommy plays, it’ll be slow songs, like the hill, or I love you.

“Not even piano?” Wilbur looks lost, his eyes are wide with worry and he has a slightly disheveled appearance. Kristin stays silent for a bit, seeming to think about it. “Where is he now?” Kristin asks. “Sleeping in the living room, he randomly stopped playing and just stood up and went into there,” Wilbur rubs the back of his neck, shaking his head and closing his eyes. “He’s actually sleeping right, not like last night?” Wilbur asks with worry and Phil nods. “We would’ve heard him if he moved, it’s silent,” Phil shuts down Wilbur’s over thinking quickly, and Kristin starts pulling out plates from the cupboard.

“Go wake him, he needs to eat,” Kristin says.

“Tommy, wake up,” Wilbur whispers in his ear, and Tommy groans. “No,” Tommy shuffles, curling into himself more and whining slightly at the spark of pain in his arm. “Yes, Tommy, yes,” Wilbur urges.

“Tom, get up!” Wilbur’s starting to loose it, he needs Tommy to get up now. If Tommy doesn’t get up he’s gonna get Phil to bring him to hospital again, this is the lowest he’s seen Tommy. Tommy sits up, rubbing his eyes and sighing. “I don’t want too,” Tommy tells him honestly, he just wants to sleep whatever this is off. “well sometimes some things don’t go your way!” Wilbur scolds angrily, and Tommy instantly flinches and looks at Wilbur.

“Sometimes things don’t go your way Tommy!” Johanna yells, and Tommy’s loud sniffle and cries echo in the room. He can feel hot sticky blood run down his face, tears mixing with the liquid. “Why weren’t you in that car?” Johanna kicks him again, right in his rib. Tommy turns over on the floor with a pained expression and a loud cry of pain. “Instead you had to drop in here and ruin everything!” Johanna kneels down to the floor where Tommy is and grabs him by his hair, Tommy lets out another loud Yelp. “Please,” Tommy’s voice breaks, teary eyes meeting her eyes. She doesn’t have an ounce of remorse in her eyes.

Wilbur instantly realised his mistake.

Wilbur stands there for a moment. “Tommy- I’m so sorry-“ Wilbur begins, and Tommy stands up, pushing past him and into the kitchen.

Surprisingly Phil and Kristin didn’t hear the sound, but Tommy’s still stuck in that memory. He hasn’t touched a thing on his plate, and Wilbur notes that. “I’m not hungry,” Tommy mutters after five minutes, breaking through the silence of the normally loud dinner table.

“I think- I said something bad to him,” Wilbur confesses, shrugging and stabbing his fork into the food on his plate. “I started scolding him, I told him things can’t go his way and stuff,” Wilbur frowns. “He looked so scared, his eyes were so full of fear he actually feared me-“ Wilbur but the inside of his cheek. “I just don’t want him to feel bad anymore,” Wilbur’s heart aches as he lets the confession out. “One time he told me he didn’t have any plans to get better, I thought he was getting better.” Wilbur scolds himself in his mind, so stupid. He’s so stupid.

“Mate, it’s okay, you lost your temper, you’re worried it-“

“Phil, nobody’s watching Tommy right now,” Kristin interrupts Phil quickly and Wilbur immediately stands ad rushes to where he assumes Tommy has gone.

He’s not in the living room, not the piano storage room, he’s in his room then.

“Tommy,” Wilbur tries to open the door, it doesn’t open. “Tommy, open the door, please,” Wilbur begs, he can hear Tommy sniffle through the door. Wilbur uses his body weight to open the door. How’d Tommy get a lock?

“Tommy, shit, show me your arms, where’s the blade?” Wilbur walks over, and Tommy’s hiding his arms with a towel, but the blood is spilling through the grey colour. “Tommy, show me,” Wilbur regrets it, but he grabs Tommy’s arms and forcefully removes the towel.

Phil had told him it was only a few cuts last night, but this was horrifying.

Wilbur stares in shock.

Wilbur had seen Tommy’s scars a few times, he only had a few on each arm. Fairly empty and Wilbur remained happy that it stayed fairly empty every-time he saw Tommy’s arms. He sees the scabs from last night, Phil was right it was just a few but the ones currently gushing blood-

They were up past his elbow, spreading across his skin like a rash, and Wilbur feels Tommy’s blood spilling on his hands. “Oh, oh shit,” Wilbur feels tears run down his face. “Phil!” Wilbur shouts, voice shaky and Tommy shakes his head repeatedly. “Nononono-“ Tommy sobs, trying to take his arms back towards himself. Wilbur sees the bloodied blade still in a cut on one of Tommy’s arms. Wilbur doesn’t want to remove it, he doesn’t wanna hurt Tommy, or risk hitting a nerve, vein or an artery since it was pretty close.

“Fuck,” Phil gasps. “One of the cuts has a blade stuck in it, do we go to hospital?” Wilbur can feel Tommy shake harder at the mention of a hospital. “No, no!” Tommy interferes, breaking free of Wilbur’s hands and removing the blade himself. Wilbur gags, more fresh blood spilling down Tommy’s arm.

“At least it’s out?” Phil says, worryingly expressing with his hands. “Why are we all just standing here, fucking get a first aid kit!” Kristin yells, and quickly joins Wilbur on the floor beside tommy and Phil goes to get it.

On the way in Kristin pocketed the blade, making sure Tommy couldn’t get it and that Tommy was okay was one of her main priorities right now.

Phil finally joins them in the room, opening the first aid kit and Kristin gently grabs Tommy by his wrist.

They all sit in silence as Wilbur and Phil clean him up. Kristin is combing her fingers through his hair, trying to comfort him. “It’s okay,” Kristin whispers into the teens ear, and Tommy cries harder. Because it’s not okay, he doesn’t feel like he’s getting better anymore, he’s sad again.

Tommy’s anxious the rest of the night.

He eats a few strawberries, and they’re all watching a movie. Tommy won’t stop shaking, he has a few blankets on top of him to hide the shakiness. When Wilbur notices the teens hands shaking uncontrollably he holds it, and Tommy jumps a bit and looks at him, Wilbur offers a small smile for comfort.

Tommy still feels empty by the time the movie ends and Phil suggests everyone goes to sleep early.

Tommy knows it’s because of him - everyone was drained now, god he was so selfish.

“Yeah, Tom sleeping with me tonight?” Wilbur asks, Tommy hesitates. He knows he doesn’t really have a choice, nobody wants to leave him alone, but earlier Wilbur was really scary. Tommy is still hesitant to go with him, even if Tommy knows Wilbur isn’t like Johanna. Wilbur is nothing like Johanna.

Tommy nods, Standing up and grabbing an extra blanket as him and Wilbur shuffle down the hallway. Both delirious from tiredness. They stumble into Wilbur’s room, and Tommy immediately drifts towards the double bed, sliding into his self decided ‘his side’ because he normally would sleep with Wilbur or if he had a bad dream. “Tommy get under the blankets,” Wilbur laughs quietly, and Tommy lets out a huff. Wilbur walks over and picks up the extra blanket Tommy brought, draping it over him and then picking up the messy unmade sheets and placing them on him too.

Wilbur wishes he understood Tommy’s Brain, he wanted to know how Tommy felt. He wanted to take all the hurt in Tommy’s heart and take it himself. He could handle it, he knows how to handle mental illness. Tommy dropped so quickly. “I miss techno,” Tommy says, pulling the blankets up more. “Want me to call him?” Wilbur asks, already opening discord but Tommy shakes his head. “Goodnight, Wilbur.” Tommy says, closing his eyes and rolling around to face the wall.

He doesn’t even want to talk to Technoblade.

If normal Tommy isn’t back soon Wilbur really is gonna loose it. He needs Tommy to be okay or else he won’t be okay. Him and Tommy are a pair, if one’s gone the others probably with them, if one of them is  happy the other matches the energy, if one of them is sad, well, the other matches the energy.

“Goodnight Tommy,” Wilbur takes it as a sign, he plugs in his phone and gets into bed beside Tommy. Keeping his distance away from the blonde this time. Why did he lose his temper earlier?

Chapter Text

If anything, 

tommy may be getting worse?

they Weren’t able to get him up out of bed that day, it was like he was stuck. Wilbur had begged repeatedly, asking for him to get up and Tommy just shook his head. He wasn’t even sleeping, he doesn’t even remember what he had done laying in bed all day, he just stared at a wall, and maybe Wilbur and Phil came into check on him? 

he curls up tighter in his blankets, feeling the warmth and sighing. 

“Tommy, you okay?” Wilbur creeps in, and Tommy doesn’t answer. “We’ve got a surprise,” Wilbur tells him, he sounds like he’s up to something. Tommy finally shuffles and looks at Wilbur, there’s a figure in the hallway. 

“But first, take a sip of this will you? I don’t want your blood pressure being bad,” Wilbur hands him a coke, already opened and Tommy takes the can. 

“Is that technoblade?” Tommy says before taking a sip and Wilbur makes a confused face as techno walks in. “What the fuck? How’d you know?” Wilbur shakes his head, and Techno is visibly staring at Tommy. 

Techno knew he was messed up.

he knew Tommy was mentally bad, he knew he had days where he wouldn’t leave the house, he knew Tommy hasn’t been in school for like half a year, he knows Tommy ran away and tried to kill himself twice. 

But wow.

Tommy just looks so sad?

He looks so done, so upset. He looks given up.

Tommy shrugs. He loves tech, but right now, even if he’s meeting his idol - he can’t. He can’t be excited, he can’t even get up to hug him. So he just starts crying. 

He hides his face first, laying his head back down in his pillows and holding his breath. Trying not to make a noise or a sniffle, but Wilbur knows better. 

“Hey, hey Tommy, what’s wrong?” Wilbur instantly asks, walking over and bending down to the bed and brushing his hand thriugh Tommy’s hair. “I m’don’t wanna feel like this anymore’ Tommy murmurs, still trying not to make a noise, even if Wilbur and Techni knows he’s crying. “Oh- I know, I know,” “you don’t though, you don’t get it,” Tommy’s voice wobbles, and Wilbur looks back at Techno. 

“I wish I could understand, Tommy,” Wilbur brushes through his hair again. “Can I just be left alone?” 

“Yeah, if that’s what you want, Tommy,” Techno says, and Wilbur stands up. A part of him wants to stay and make sure Tommy is okay. But if Tommy wants him to leave, he obviously feels a bit smothered. 

—

“is he always-?”

”only of recent, we thought he was getting better,” Phil supplies for techno, handing him a cup of coffee. “He just flipped like a switch one day,” 

—

upstairs Tommy’s not doing so good.

he swears to god if he doesn’t stop looking at that window he’s gonna jump straight out of it.

he’s staring at it, scared out of his mind on what he’s capable of doing and he prays to god that it’s locked and the key is hidden somehwere.

he’s biting on his nails so hard they’re bleeding and his mind is yelling at him to just get it over with. He needs be gone now. 

Tommy sobs quietly, eyes glossy and wet with tears as he stares at the window. It’s not a far jump but if he made it he could go to that bridge in the park. Get it all over with.

He stands up and goes to the window, every step feels like he’s dying. His heart is raging inside of his chest and his mind won’t shut up. His hands go and pull the window open, and he finally realises what he can do.

Tommy steps away from the window, terrified out of his mind of his own self. 

Tommy closes the window quickly, then he walks to the bathroom, turning the shower on and locking the bathroom door.

—

after he showers he’s calmed down, he doesn’t feel as scared or willing to hurt himself in anyway anymore.

so he goes downstairs to socialise for a bit.

he’s okay,

he’s alive.

Chapter Text

Tommy has been doing a lot of thinking recently.

he knows that hes hurt many people, mark included, but he’s also done thinking about what happened.

he’s meant to be asleep, he can hear Wilbur playing his guitar quietly down the hall because his door is open. It’s sort of a rule now that Tommy definitely keeps the bedroom door open.

he knows Wilbur keeps his door open for him too.

He’s restless because he just can’t stop thinking, even if he wants to stop thinking about what happened  it sneaks up on him and bites him like a parasite sitting in his mind.

He yawns, looking at his phone for a moment, it tell him that it’s 01:34.

he creeps out of bed, bringing a comfortable pillow and walking down the hallway to Wilbur’s room carefully.

‘it’s okay, you’re not gonna be hurt in the dark’ he reassures himself, sighing as he looks at the darkened hallways and corners of the home.

he makes it to Wilbur’s room and sees the man playing his guitar softly in an office chair, messy brown curls sit atop his head and his back is turned to the teenager.

”Wil?” Tommy whispers quietly and carefully, Wilbur jumps anyway when he hears the boy talk and he turns around on the desk chair to look at the blonde.

”I can’t sleep,” tommy says, uneasiness pools in his gut as he feels guilty for scaring the man. “Oh,” is Wilbur’s response as he sets the guitar down and stands up, stretching. 

“I’m the same.” Wilbur finally says, sighing softly as he turns off some of the lamps in the room, he and tommy are very firm believers in little lights rather than big lights. There’s somethjng comforting about a lit room that’s not lit fully, the colourful small battery lights can produce adds to it aswell.

”can I sleep in here?” Tommy plays with a loose thread of his fuzzy pyjama trousers he’s wearing, he fiddles with it, making it a ball and then fiddling wit it until it becomes free again.

”yes,” Wilbur replies, and Tommy heads straight to the bed and falls into it, setting his pillow beneath his head and getting under the covers and curling up.

he falls asleep listening to Wilbur play guitar.

all uneasiness and anxiety is tucked away for now - he feels comfortable in the soft noises of guitar and comfortable bed sheets and too many pillows for his head.

he likes this.

Chapter Text

Tommy has been getting back a lot of his energy lately.

so far he’s almost killed technoblade twice, set fire to the piano and gave everyone food poisoning.

wilbur is very, very, happy.

”Tommy, let’s go to tescos.” Wilbur says, smiling, and Tommy looks at him from bed and nods. He sits up in bed, dizzy from using his energy e cause his body isn’t ready for all of this insane movement he’s been doing lately. 

“PHIL WE’RE GOING TO TESCO BYEE,”

”WHAT?”

tommy and Wilbur quickly rush out of the door, Wilbur stopping for a moment to make sure the teen is bundled uo in some warm clothes and having a small argument about Tommy zipping up his coat.

they take a bus to Tesco and immediately go inside.

”I am spending all of your money,” Tommy politely informs, a smile on his face. Wilbur just smiles fondly and nods. “merry Christmas Tommy,”

”it’s December?” Tommy asks as they walk in, looking at the Christmas decor and looking around at bright greens and reds. “Yeah,”

”I thought it was still august if I’m being honest,” Tommy murmurs, walking through the seasonal isle sadly. He sorta realises how long he’s been shut off for, just in bed a lot and useless.

”let’s get some really bad for you sweets and like three 24 packs of Coca Cola, we’ll make Phil pick us up!” Wilbur smiles, grabbing Tommys hand and going through the aisles patiently and looks at the shelves. Tommy sighs as Wilbur takes forever to look at all of the items they probably won’t even be buying.

”willlll hurry upppppp” Tommy drags out, pouting and basically throwing a small contained fit.

”Wil Wil Wil Wil Wil Wil Wil Wil Wil Wil Wil Wil Wil Wilburrrrrr William gold will gold Wilburrrrr gold come onnnn Wilbur soot” he huffs, frowning and looking at Wilbur with a bored expression.

”someone’s gonna recognise us at this rate I beg of you Wil,” Tommy scolds, heavy frown on his face.

”okay okay,” Wilbur squeezes tommy’s hand and begins to walk away from that aisle. Tommy grins.

two hours later they’re happily in the back of Phil’s car as the man just drives, a few heavy sighs but he can’t deny that he’s happy tommy has left the house safely and very happily. 

and around a few hours later Wilbur and tommy are curled up on the couch with a random Christmas movie on the screen a bunch of sweets and popcorn on the coffee table while the two stay under the blankets.

the next morning Tommy wakes uo and sees that it’s snowing.

He’s excited for Christmas with his family.