Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The breeze rustling through the trees felt unseasonably warm against Rey’s skin and the dry, fallen leaves were just starting to whip and whirl around her feet as she climbed the steps to her apartment.

She sighed and rolled her eyes for the benefit of no one but herself.

This could only mean one thing, that Santa R’iita winds were about to sweep uninvited across the county once more, unleashing their highly unwelcome and very distinct set of meteorological conditions.

She didn’t think she would ever get used to the peculiarities of autumn weather in Southern Takodana, even after five years of living and working in this supposedly enviable part of the globe. It was one of the very few things that made her feel a pang of something for her old life half a world away.

She really missed the seasons.

Especially the transitions between them and most of all, the beginning of autumn, when the air would start to bite and evenings would draw in earlier to create an inescapable and irresistible desire to be cosy. 

In this part of the hemisphere though, spring, summer, autumn and winter were arguably present in name only, or so it seemed to her, an immigrant from more northerly, temperate climes. 

The reality was that this region appeared to offer only two vague seasonal variations - extremely hot and slightly less hot, bridged by a couple of weeks of much-enjoyed rain in the spring. The thirsty land was then transformed overnight and the hills and valleys turned from dull browns into visions of verdant beauty which at least reminded Rey of her old homeland until the greens faded away again, parched by the sun's burning rays.

All the shops and restaurants here happily celebrated the change to the supposedly cooler months by touting merchandise and trappings full of warming promise. Hearty soups and speciality-spiced lattes along with fleece blankets and faux fur-lined parka jackets were all readily available despite the fact the everyone was wearing flip-flops and eating ice-cream while trying to find a way to shoehorn this aesthetic into their permanently summery lifestyles. 

Of course, there was plenty to love about living in Southern Takodana - the vast, sparkling ocean, the golden beaches, the mountains and lakes and with it all, the outdoorsy activities that were possible to experience year round due to the reliably warm climate. 

Yet October had become the most challenging month of the year for Rey.

She just couldn't reconcile this variation of her favourite time of year with the one she had grown up with and held dear in her heart. It was just too hot and too dry and her soul was constantly searching for a connection but couldn't find it, she couldn't feel at peace.

It was silly really, she fully understood that locals here would likely not enjoy the version she knew best which often brought rain, storms and cold but for her, there was always something special about the advent of the chillier weather. It came with the hunt for warmer jackets and gloves, the magic of the trees turning from green to gold to brown, the haze of mist rising up over the fields in the early morning light; the sounds of acorns crunching under her feet, the busy squirrels preparing for leaner times and the first puffs of dragon breath on a cold day. 

Her dreams that night were elemental - she was running through the rain in a forest, laughing joyfully and then she drying herself by a fire listening to the wind blustering outside... she was happy and content.

The following morning, Rey awoke to the sound of her blinds flapping against the window frame and the neighbour’s wind chimes jangling manically. She groaned, oh the joy, today was going to be a classic - those dreaded Santa R’iitas were already howling their way across the tinder dry landscape and dragging ridiculously high temperatures along for the ride.

She hated how her simple daily tasks would now turn from manageable into feats of hellish endurance. 

The wind and heat combined were already so fierce that just stepping out of her apartment felt as though she was walking straight into a giant hair dryer stuck on its hottest setting, the skin on her face was losing moisture by the millisecond the further she progressed towards her car. 

Then followed all the vehicle-related stress, beginning with the first of the many stinging static shocks of the day as her hand came into contact with the car door, followed by hanging on it for dear life lest it be wrenched from her to smash into the fancy SUV parked beside her old piece of junk. Once safely in the driver's seat, there was an immediate need for air conditioning despite the early hour because driving with the windows open would be a pointless act of self sabotage and mean arriving at work looking like a frazzled rasher of bacon.

The actual half hour drive itself required her fullest attention, her knuckles white from the iron grip on the steering wheel in case a sudden violent gust should sweep her over a canyon edge.

The parking lot at work was invariably full so she had to park two streets away and walk to the office under the already baking sun, head angled to dodge the angrily swirling leaves and general detritus of modern takeaway life. 

Rey made it to her desk and flopped into her chair with relief. She felt as though she had run a marathon in a desert. After she had docked her laptop and switched on the monitor, she flipped open her bottle and was about to take a deep draught of ice cold water when she heard her boss Poe laughing (and flirting) with Finn from tech support as they walked companionably through her area. 

It was a daily occurrence and she hardly noticed them any more and certainly never paid any attention to their banal conversations. 

Except today.

In amongst their banter about sport, beer, farts and god knows what else, a sentence seemed to rise above the others and float directly across into her consciousness, words that made her freeze, her water bottle suspended inches away from her lips which were now parted in shock. 

“So dude, you going to Solo’s leaving bash tonight?”

What?  

No...

No, she must have misheard them…frowning, she jumped up and half jogged down through the maze of cubicles, trying to catch up with the two men. She could smell the freshly brewed coffee as she rounded the corner to the little break room where she knew they would be. They were standing very close together and sprang apart at Rey’s sudden appearance. Poe recovered his composure first and grinned impishly at her,

“Hey Rey-Jo, how’s it going? What brings you to these wild parts so early in the day? I thought you hated the gloop from these machines?”

Rey swallowed, catching her breath slightly before gearing herself up to ask the question that was burning through her mind. 

“Rey-Jo? Did you just call her Rey-Jo?” Finn asked incredulously.

“Yeah, see what I did there? Rey Johnson, I just shortened it, catchy, eh?” Poe winked and Finn rolled his eyes affectionately. 

“But actually, Rey-Jo rhymes with So-Lo which reminds me, are you going to Maz’s later? We’re having tacos and margies to say adios to Ben Solo.”

It seemed as though the oxygen had been sucked out of the room and Rey had to take a deep, centering breath before attempting to corral her fuzzy brain into forming words and sounds.

“He’s leaving?” she managed to squeak out. 

How on earth could she not know this? 

“Yeah, tendered his resignation a couple of weeks ago. He’s going back to Chandrila apparently. You really didn’t know?” Poe sounded as surprised as she was shocked.

“I…er, no, I had no idea actually” she said quietly “um, anyway, better get back to work” she said lightly, gesturing vaguely towards her area before hurrying out of the room and heading in the opposite direction, hoping to get to the nearest bathroom without bumping into anyone. There was no way she would be able to carry on a conversation right now.

She shoved the door open, locked it behind her and slid to the ground, head in her hands. 

She could feel tears welling in her eyes and a sob lodged in her throat which she held captive for the time being.

God, what was wrong with her? Maybe she was due on or something, but in that instance she'd be more likely to snap at someone rather than get all emotional and cry.

Because yes, actual liquid tears were flowing now, running unchecked in little salty rivulets down her cheeks. She rubbed her hand over her face and nose, she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d cried, she was an absolute master at bottling emotions up. So why here, now at work of all places? 

Because he was leaving.

Tall, handsome, gentle Ben Solo. 

How could she have missed this massively important piece of information? She hadn’t seen any email announcements and yet she often crossed paths with him in meetings, he was a senior project manager and she was in product development, they had worked together quite a lot in the two years since she’d joined New Alliance Technologies. 

She’d found him intimidating and a bit rude at first but soon recognised a kindred spirit, socially awkward and actually quite shy. She'd defended him to colleagues at times and they each instinctively just knew when the other was struggling and would step in to the rescue during contentious meetings with clients. She felt they had each other's backs. 

All their interaction had been office based, with the exception of a couple of lunches out with their teams, they had a strictly professional relationship. They collaborated with others in meeting rooms, sent each other emails with to-the-point, sparse exchanges of information, they were not even in the same social network groups, and didn’t actually have each other’s phone numbers.

They were all above board. 

Nothing to suggest otherwise.

Even at the Christmas party last year when she’d been seated opposite him at the formal dinner and caught him gazing at her with his warm, intelligent amber eyes.

It had made her insides feel all swoopy and she’d thought a lot about him that night.

Or all the times when she’d borrowed his pen and his fingers had brushed against hers for slightly longer than necessary when she returned it.

Her whole body tingled all over for ages afterwards.

And those occasions where they’d arrived at conference rooms at the same time and he had reached around her to open the door, waving her in with a shy smile and a barely-there palm to the small of her back.

She’d scarcely been able to hold back the shiver down her spine when she’d felt that whisper of touch.

But absolutely not two months ago, standing side by side and perhaps quite close together in the elevator when she’d turned her head and looked up to steal a glance at him only to find him already peeking down at her. 

She’d wanted to hit the emergency button then, stop the world and just drink all of him in, for as long as it would take. She could have frozen time - and him - just to admire his impossibly lovely hair, slightly too long but always so glossy - maybe she would have reached up and gently smoothed down the waves which were constantly mussed from all the times he ran his hand nervously through them.

She’d have been able to study his face at her leisure, trace the moles dotted across his pale skin and run her thumb over his full lips. Perhaps she’d have felt impossibly brave in that suspended reality and leaned up on her tiptoes to press a little kiss to the corner of his mouth…

But instead the ding of the elevator doors and the robotic voice announcing the second floor had made her jump and dragged her back into the present with a gasp - she had been absolutely mortified to see that she’d somehow stepped even closer to Ben and her hand appeared to be heading towards his face. She’d glimpsed his wide eyes and parted lips before she’d fled, cheeks burning in embarrassment. 

Since then, she’d hardly seen him around, he’d been travelling a lot and presumably tying up loose ends, it made sense now.

He was making his preparations to leave. 

That jailed sob finally broke free from her chest and heaved through her shoulders, reminding her that she was still sitting on the cold, tile floor of the bathroom in her workplace. She scrubbed away the fresh tears and took a deep breath. She had to get a grip on herself. 

She got up on shaky legs and winced when she saw the state of her puffy red eyes in the mirror. Splashing cold water over her face was only going to go so far in concealing her delicate state. She checked her phone and shit, she’d been in here for twenty-five minutes and had a meeting very soon which she’d have to excuse herself from - she was pretty sure she wouldn’t be presenting a very professional front, with her sniffles and a highly distracted mind.. 

For the second time that morning, she found herself dashing through the labyrinth of hallways and again hoping not to encounter a single person. As she blindly rounded the first corner she ricocheted off a very solid surface and stumbled forward.

“Fuck, so sorry” a deep voice muttered and warm hands grasped the tops of her arms to prevent her from falling any further.

Her heart skipped a beat, of all the people in this entire bloody building she could have run into, it would have to be Ben Solo, literally. 

“Rey? Is everything OK?” he asked softly. She could hear the quiet concern in his tone, she knew that if she were to incline her head, she would see it written all over his lovely face, brows furrowed, lips pursed. But there was no way she could look up because then he’d see her blotchy skin and watery eyes and then what?

Would the truth spill out?

That she’d been bawling like a baby over him ? No, she needed to pull herself together and get back to her cubicle to start some actual work.

“Um, actually I..I’m not feeling great today, I’m er, a bit…” she faltered... a bit what? 

Overwhelmed? Sad? 

Heartbroken...

”tired” she managed to say, voice wavering.

Ben still hadn’t released her and one of his thumbs was rubbing up and down her arm, so very gently.

“I see,” he replied quietly, “maybe you should go home, get some rest. Don’t worry, I’ll clear it with Poe, you just go get your stuff and head out.” 

Rey nodded mutely and fished around in her pocket for something to blow her nose with and she would soon need to dab at her eyes which were filling up with stupid tears again because he was being so kind and she was feeling so damn vulnerable. 

He turned away and she felt immediately unmoored without his steadying presence. 

“Come here”

She finally looked up and realised that they were standing in the hallway outside his office, he’d obviously been heading out somewhere when she’d collided with him. He was now standing just inside the door, his arm stretched towards her, gesturing for her to join him. She nodded again, taking two steps forward and over the threshold.

He pressed a clean tissue into her hand and stood perched on the edge of his desk. She noticed then he was dressed casually, in jeans and a dark grey hoodie - he looked paler than usual, with dark circles under his eyes. She also noticed the boxes stacked neatly on the floor beside him and glanced round the small, windowless room - everything was packed away, the surfaces bare.

Of course, it was his last day. How starkly obvious.

Her heart was sinking so fast, she thought her knees might give way. Desperately, her eyes flicked over his shoulder and scanned the wall behind his desk but it was blank. 

It was gone. 

Her favourite painting in the whole world. 

The one she’d make any excuse to get a glimpse of, often going out of her way to walk past this office and hoping that the door would be open. 

A large, framed watercolour depicting the most beautiful place Rey could ever hope to behold. 

A wide river sparkled in the foreground, wending its way through a densely wooded, steep-sided valley. In the distance, rolling hills morphed into peaked mountains stretching as far as the eye could see. A soft afternoon sun filtered its rays down through thin bands of skilfully painted clouds, throwing delicate light onto the stunning autumnal landscape below. 

The colours were simply breathtaking and the artist had perfectly captured those myriad trees in their simple act of preparing for winter, faithfully rendering them in all their blazing glory. Burnished golds and bronzes blended with simple yellows and russet browns; coppery reds and majestic garnet hues added majesty and drama while the few hints of green dotted throughout reminded the observer that this was a tableau still in transition, an ever changing cycle, where each and every leaf would take all the time it needed to fulfil its own critical little role in nature.

It touched Rey on a very profound level. Soul deep. 

She liked to picture herself standing by that river, gazing over the vista. She imagined experiencing those same magnificent colours with her own eyes, even though she knew it was fanciful because it just couldn’t possibly look that beautiful in real life and anyway, it was probably not even a real place, just a figment of a very talented artist’s mind. 

She was particularly drawn to the picture at this time of year and especially when the weather outside was all kinds of wrong for her. It made her feel oddly hopeful, that maybe one day she would find her joy in autumn again.

She’d asked Ben about it once, but his pale cheeks had blushed bright pink and he’d swiftly changed the subject. 

Now it too would be gone and that was just too much loss for one day. 

Her bottom lip began to quiver and she dug her nails into the palms of her hands to try and hold back the tearful flood of emotion that was threatening to breach her defences any second. 

“I…I’ll miss that painting you know, I loved it” she croaked out. 

She ought to have told him that she’d miss him too, so very much but the words got stuck in her throat. 

“And I hate this kind of October” she blurted out in a pitiful little wail instead before burying her face in her hands and sobbing in earnest. 

Ben crossed the room in one giant stride and folded her into his arms and just held her tightly against his broad chest. He let her cry and cry, made no demands on her, silently supportive, resting his chin on the top of her head. Eventually he rubbed soothing circles on her back and she started to calm down and take deeper, less shuddery breaths. 

“It’s alright sweetheart, I feel it too”  he murmured into her hair. She slid her arms around his waist and listened to his steady heart beating in her ear.

They stood wrapped together for a long time. 

Rey's tears finally ran dry and she began to feel grounded again thanks to Ben's solid body enveloping her.

When she reluctantly pulled away from him, he gently cupped her face and tilted it up before leaning down and placing a tender kiss on her forehead. Then he smoothed the damp tendrils of hair away from her eyes and tucked them behind her ears. 

The way he was looking at her now, with such tenderness made her feel both faint and fragile but yet also important and invincible - she wondered if perhaps this was what being cherished looked like - she was going to lock this moment into her heart and treasure it forever.

She heard his deep, mellow voice ripple across the pools of her mind, bringing her softly back to the here and now.

“Will you be OK here if I go and grab you a drink of water? I won’t be a minute.”

“Thanks, yeah, I’ll be fine. I’m sorry about all this, I’m not quite sure what came over me” she smiled weakly as he stepped towards the door. 

“Please don’t apologise Rey, I’m so glad I could be here for you today” he replied with a hint of sadness.

He returned with two cups of water and some damp paper towels. The coolness felt good against her swollen face as she gathered herself back together. Ben was right, she should go home, she was exhausted now, emotionally wrung out. 

“I’m just going to get my laptop then get going…and thanks for…just now” she said quietly.

Ben just nodded and then reached around her to grab a faded blue baseball cap from his backpack which he then placed carefully on her head, arranging the peak so it sat perfectly above her face. One of his big, warm hands lingered at the back of her neck and lightly tugged her ponytail, he coiled her hair round and round his fingers. 

“Thought you might feel more invisible wearing this” he said before releasing her and squeezing her shoulder.

Suddenly she found she didn't want to leave the confines of his office but instead stay awhile longer in this perfect little bubble together with this kind, considerate man.

But she did manage to tear herself away, and with Ben’s hat pulled low over her eyes, she was able to escape without encountering anyone else.

The boiling heat hit her as soon as she exited the building and she was again buffeted by Santa R'iita's wrath. By the time she reached her car she felt like a wilted plant. 

On the drive home, she wouldn’t let herself think about Ben and her tumultuous morning, she would save that until later, maybe when it was dark and she could lie in bed, listening to the wind and pretend she was in a snug cottage with all her favourite comforting autumnal sights and sounds outside. Only then would she give in to examining her feelings and allow herself a second to remember his soft lips brushing against her brow.

Instead in the light of day, she reflected yet again on how confusing it was for her mind to comprehend this strange dichotomy of the cloudless blue sky with gale force winds tearing through the area. For her, it was disharmonious, the two couldn’t go together, it should be either bright sunshine and maybe a pleasant breeze or furious grey skies, driving rain and wind lashing against the windows.

She knew she really should stop trying to make sense of it, there was nothing she could do but just accept once and for all that this was normal for these parts. 

Back at her apartment, she closed all the shades against the hot sun and scowled as she resentfully switched on the air conditioning. She slumped in front of the TV, mindlessly flicking through the channels before giving up and drifting off into a fitful sleep. She woke with a start, it was dusk and she was disorientated, she never fell asleep in the daytime, especially not on a weekday...but then as her blurry thoughts marshalled themselves into sharper focus, it all came flooding back. 

Ben. 

She draped her arm over her eyes and sighed deeply. God she was an idiot, breaking down in front of him, what must he have thought of her? 

Then she remembered how lovely he’d been, what it had felt like to be comforted so kindly and sincerely by him. 

He had made her feel safe and cared for in a way that no one else had ever done in her life, not once. He hadn’t been impatient with her, hadn’t laughed at her, hadn’t tried to get her to talk it out. He had just flooded her senses with serenity. 

His warm embrace was undoubtedly the most wonderful gift she’d ever received from another human being and now it was just going to become a mere souvenir of him.

Shit, shit shit. 

She punched the side of the sofa in despair. 

She should have told him.  

All of it. 

But how could she? 

That visit to the pumpkin patch last year and the dream that same night - her closely guarded secret, sealed away for good in the vault of her mind. Besides, it was all pure fantasy and she would have sounded unhinged had she ever attempted to put any of it into words. 

He would have run a million miles in the opposite direction. Not many men would want to become ensnared by a woman who wanted the whimsical things she craved after that fateful day.

Even if Ben might have done, it didn't matter now, she was losing him either way.

She took a long shower to try and wash away her turbulent emotions plus give herself time to consider whether to go to Maz’s for Ben’s farewell drinks. She wasn’t sure whether it would be best not to see him again, just allow him melt away to Chandrila and let that be that, or whether she ought to do the polite thing as his colleague and say goodbye.

That hug earlier had complicated everything though. 

Finally she settled on a compromise, she would write him a note and just drop by the cantina to hand it to him. Maybe stop for one drink and then slip away without any fuss. 

She fetched a pen and found a card tucked away in a drawer, it was perfect. She smiled as she ran her finger over the photo on the front - a cluster of shiny acorns attached to a resplendent oak leaf.

Chapter Text

Ben was not looking forward to the obligatory (according to Poe) ‘leaving do’ and on this particular occasion, he definitely wouldn’t be able to get away with his usual brand of showing up for an hour and disappearing after one drink. He should never have agreed to it. Especially as the one person who would have made it worth the effort was very unlikely to be there. She certainly hadn’t mentioned anything about it when he’d been with her earlier that day. 

During his unexpected and surprising encounter with Rey - the one he could not stop turning over and over in his mind...

He hadn’t even planned to go into the office - he’d already packed everything up and had made arrangements for the boxes to be collected by the moving company. 

He had deliberately left one thing until last though - the painting - he knew how much Rey enjoyed looking at it - and he enjoyed looking at her while she gazed up at it. He loved her look of wonder every single time, the way she seemed to lose herself as her eyes roved over every detail, the way her shoulders lost some of that pent up tension she seemed to carry with her everywhere. So it had remained hanging on the wall until this morning. He had really been hoping that she might pop in to say goodbye to him and take one last wistful look at the autumnal scenes before he wrapped them up for safe travel with him in the car. 

In the end he’d stood there waiting for a while but decided he was being overly hopeful, she was probably busy and anyway, he hadn’t actually heard from her since the email about his imminent departure had been sent round. If he’d been surprised and maybe a bit disappointed by that, well he wouldn’t admit it to anyone but himself. 

He’d sighed and looked around the office - nothing else to do here, end of a chapter and all that, he’d decided he may as well grab one last shitty coffee and then run some errands before steeling himself for the evening’s events.

And that’s when it had happened - as he’d stepped out into the hallway, a woman had rushed pell-mell round the corner and careened straight into him, or bounced off him really. He’d apologised profusely and instinctively reached out to steady her as she stumbled, then, looking down, he’d recognised the chestnut hair tied into three messy buns and realised he had caught Rey. 

Who’d been clearly very upset. 

Something serious must have happened for her to be so lost for words and he could tell she’d been crying, even though she was trying her best to hide it and claim tiredness as the reason for her distress. 

He hadn’t thought twice about inviting her into his office and attempting to comfort her. Holding her close as she sobbed had felt natural and right, as if she’d always belonged in his arms. He’d been filled suddenly with a sense of pride and a deep wave of pleasure that he could be the one to rub her back and help console her. 

Not that he knew exactly what he was consoling her about, but when she’d whimpered something about the painting and not enjoying the weather here, he’d felt an undeniable soul-binding empathy with her. 

He understood exactly what she meant. 

He felt it too. 

He’d thought for a moment about confessing his little secret to her, if only to witness her reaction, but it wouldn’t be fair to her, to either of them now that he’d made his choice to return to Chandrila State.

Instead, he had kissed her forehead and with a heavy heart, let her go.

Now, back at his soon-to-be empty condo he kept himself busy for the remainder of the day, cleaning and taping up the last of the moving boxes. He went and stood outside on the balcony for a while, gripping the smooth metal railing and gazing out across the dusty, arid hills - the colours were so uniform and bland, with the exception of the cloudless cobalt sky. He closed his eyes and lifted his face, allowing himself to be buffeted by the searing gusts of wind. He wanted to absorb how it all felt, the impression it made on his senses so that he could recall the memory on days where he might be tempted to complain about any foggy, damp weather in his future. He thought wryly about how he was looking forward to celebrating the colour brown again, as it took up its own place amongst the rich seasonal palette which he knew would be on display back in the region he was so familiar with. 

If only he could share it all with someone, the thoughts, the feelings, the decisions. He huffed gently because he knew it couldn’t be just anyone, of that he was certain - it would have to be Rey. 

He wanted nothing more than to take her with him and show her what their perfect October could look like together.

He pictured them in his mind holding hands, walking along a wooded trail, kicking through the thick carpet of fallen foliage. They’d collect leaf specimens of every shape and colour and take them home where he would make her a collage to display above the fireplace, along with the acorns and chestnuts they had picked up since the start of their favourite season. Then he would wrap her in the softest blankets and kiss her in front of the fire before making them both hot chocolate and retiring to bed...

God he was so tired of being alone. 

Later that evening, despite being surrounded by people at the noisy cantina, Ben still felt crushingly lonely. If he could see himself from a bird's eye view, he’d be sitting at the table in a kind of vacuum - he was enveloped by the sounds of this kind of establishment, alive and vibrant on a Friday night, raised voices and loud laughter fighting to be heard over the top of the peppy music, bottles and glasses clinking as friends ordered refills and saluted one another.  Servers in bright, colourful outfits were whirling around between tables balancing huge trays of tasty food and technically it should all have added up to a fun time for him, unwinding a little, bowing out of this phase before starting the next. 

But it all felt empty because Rey wasn’t there. 

He wished she was sitting next to him so that he’d have to lean in close to catch whatever story or anecdote she was trying to tell him over the din. He wanted to laugh with her, buy her as many tacos as she could eat, see her hazel eyes shine brightly and her freckled cheeks glow happily. Then he wanted to get up and take her slim hand in his and get out of this place. 

They would rush out of the cantina and gasp as the crisp, cold night hit them square in the face because they wouldn’t be here , where the air was too warm, too soft, no, it would be in their place, where fall was distinct and special, where he would be forced to pull her into his side to keep her warm and where they would hurry home so he could make them spiced apple tea before snuggling down together to watch a movie...

“Solo, you with us here buddy?” a voice cut through his sweet reverie and a clap on the back placed him firmly back in the present. “You looked a bit moony there for a while and we haven’t even got you started on the shots yet, man!” 

He turned to see Poe looking expectantly at him and he groaned inwardly. Maybe he should drown his sorrows after all, he had nothing more to lose it seemed. He scrubbed a hand over his face, and was just considering if he could go to the bathroom and then make a break for it when a tap on the shoulder made him turn round. 

“She said to say sorry she couldn’t make it and to give you this” the server had to yell over the music, giving him a slightly sympathetic look before handing him a royal blue envelope with his name scrawled across it in black ink. He frowned, staring at the writing for a couple of seconds before realisation washed over him and stood up so abruptly that his chair fell over backwards into a surprised Finn.

Muttering apologies and stooping to pick it up, he then began to weave his way towards the door. He might as well have been wading through knee deep water in slow motion - his heart was pounding as he struggled to dodge his way around all the obstacles between him and the exit. He wrenched the front door open and fought his way through the large party of rowdy students waiting to get in, ignoring their disgruntled protests as he jogged across the parking lot searching frantically for the ancient excuse of a vehicle that Rey drove round in.

He spotted the red tail lights (only one side working of course) and the yellow indicator blinking left and knew it was her, he sprinted faster hoping to flag her down, but it was too late, she was pulling away and had soon merged into the flow of traffic - completely ignorant of her hapless pursuer who was by now bent double, hands on knees and panting hard, wincing at the pain in his calf muscles and cursing that he didn’t even have her number or know her address. 

This somehow felt like damning evidence of his failure to take any steps towards deepening their friendship despite knowing for absolutely ages that he would have loved to.

Shit.

He had absolutely zero desire to return to the cantina now, his social batteries were already running low, without the pressure of keeping up with the seasoned party hounds. No, he would head back to his place to brood over his mistakes and pore over every word in Rey’s note.

The envelope.

The one which should have been in his hand, securely pinned between thumb and fingers…but was apparently now missing. His brain registered with horror that he must have dropped it in his mad dash to flag Rey down.

Fuck, no..

He desperately began to scan the area around him, painfully aware that the dark patches between the street lights and the strong winds were seriously diminishing his chances of locating a flimsy yet enormously precious little square of blue paper. He fumbled around with his phone, cursing his useless massive hands as he struggled to swipe for the flashlight. He swept the bright beam around where he was standing, checking the ground and scrappy bushes behind him and peering across the busy road in front. He couldn’t spot anything resembling the note and so began to retrace his steps back towards Maz’s. 

He was feeling increasingly despondent as he turned back into the parking lot, still empty-handed. It was a wide open space and if he had dropped the letter here, it would likely have been caught by a gust and could be in the next town by now. He stopped to look around anyway and decided to check the perimeter where there was a dense hedge of oleander and where garbage was already littered underneath and all around. Ben’s hopes of finding his treasure among the trash were fading fast until a flash of blue fluttered haphazardly across his path. He lunged towards it, cursing when the wind picked it up and forced him into a ridiculous chase as the envelope skittered away from him. 

Every time his outstretched fingers came close to catching it, another gust would blow it gaily away. It was maddening but he just gritted his teeth and remained in hot pursuit, he was not going to lose it now that it was in his sights. He knew he must look absurd, large and ungainly, hopping and skipping around the cars but he didn’t care, his entire focus was on that piece of paper and whatever it might contain. 

He glanced up and noticed that he had attracted a small audience outside the cantina with Poe and Finn at the front looking somewhat startled at his weird behaviour - he also saw that the current trajectory of the capricious envelope was towards their feet.

“Catch it!” he yelled urgently as it tumbled ever closer to them and a drunken cheer went up when Finn surged forward and grabbed a firm hold on the runaway letter before holding it out solemnly to a panting Ben with a little bow.

“Bro, this must be something important to have got you running around here like a headless chicken!” 

“Yeah, it is, thanks man.” he replied 

“Glad to be of service, come on let’s get you a drink, looks like you could use one!” Finn winked and turned to lead the way back to the entrance with Poe draped around his shoulders shouting something about not all heroes wearing capes.

Ben smiled, these guys were idiots but they were good idiots and he was grateful that they had made an effort to give him a send-off, mostly though right now, he was supremely relieved to be clutching Rey’s card again, a little scuffed but thankfully intact. 

He went back inside to buy them all a round of drinks and took his leave as soon as he had extricated himself from Poe’s bear hugs and the endless handshakes and well wishes. 

He couldn’t wait to finally read the words written in Rey’s scrappy handwriting even though he knew they would probably not be anything of consequence, just ‘good luck in your new job’ type stuff, but he would take that over nothing at all. He decided to drive home first so that he could sit and read quietly. 

Who was he kidding? The damned blue envelope was sitting beside him on the passenger seat of his truck but it may as well have been an elephant in the way it was consuming every ounce of his awareness - he wasn’t five minutes into the journey before he had to pull over, switch off the engine and reach over to fetch it. He sighed and turned it over and over in his hands - he knew he was completely overthinking this and was setting himself up for acute disappointment but somewhere in the very back of his mind, he felt a glimmer of something like hope. 

He took a deep breath and carefully slid his finger under the flap, briefly wondering whether Rey had licked it before sealing it…he blinked that surprise thought away then he smiled when he pulled the card out, acorns and oak leaves and he just knew she had chosen that especially for him. 

He closed his eyes, it felt like a moment of reckoning somehow.

When he opened them again, he saw that she had written across both sides. 

Dear Ben, 

I just wanted to drop you a note (or should that be a line?) to wish you all the very best for your new job in Chandrila. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make it to your leaving do. I didn't think I could face Poe and the others in ‘party mode’ but also I know that I’d find it really hard to sit there knowing that I wasn’t going to see you again. I only found out today that you were leaving and it came as quite a shock and it will be so strange not seeing you around the office, I always enjoy our chats.

Also, thank you so much for your kindness this morning, I can’t tell you how much it meant to me. I’m not usually such a weepy person! However, I wasn’t lying when I said I will miss your beautiful painting, it has come to mean a lot to me - I’ll be honest, I will really miss you too Ben, I should have said that earlier but I want you to know that now, before you go.

Perhaps we could stay in touch? You could send me some pictures of the changing seasons where you will be living, it will help me endure these crazy hot days here!

 I’ve written my contact details on the back. —>

Safe travels and all the very best, 

Love, 

Rey x

A tight feeling in his chest reminded him that he should probably release the breath he’d been holding in and as he let the air flow out through his mouth, he felt some of the tension of the past few hours go with it. His shoulders slumped as he allowed Rey’s words to settle a little - he read through the note again, twice, smiling when he noted how her pen had obviously wobbled over the crease down the middle, causing some letters to get wildly separated in the middle of words and how her writing had became smaller and smaller as she neared the bottom and the last two lines were squashed into the corner as she’d almost run out of space - it was so perfectly her..

He could feel a sensation building in his stomach, it was an unfamiliar feeling and yet not really…somewhere in the far reaches of his mind, he could tell that a memory was being carefully pulled out of a long archived bank of feelings and was being sent to the forefront of his brain for identification…wisps of recollections began to swirl around - giddy anticipation of opening a big, brightly wrapped Christmas present when he was seven; waiting at the end of the long driveway for his lovely grandparents to arrive; a new puppy…this sensation was associated therefore with …excitement.. It had clearly been a long time since he’s been excited about anything but now, reading this note from Rey, it was like the electricity coming on after a power cut. 

I’ll be honest, I will really miss you too Ben, I should have told you that earlier but I want you to know that now, before you go.

He realised with a jolt that he had the key to what could happen next in his hands and that he hadn’t even remembered to look at her contact details on the reverse…please, please, please he muttered, let her address be on there, his hands were shaking as he turned the card over - yes, thank god, he thumped the steering wheel in triumph and pulled up the sat nav. She lived twenty minutes from where he was currently stationed. 

He knew what he had to do.

He found Rey’s apartment building along a narrow street at the slightly nicer end of a smallish town located in a less-desirable spot just off the main north-south highway.  He drove slowly past, looking for a place to park his larger-than-average pick-up truck, the curb was crowded with vehicles of questionable roadworthiness and he had a fleeting concern about whether his wheels would still be there when he returned - he’d never once thought about where Rey might live but now he was wondering why she was here, seemingly tucked away from the more well to do neighbourhoods further south. 

He walked back towards her address, stomach churning with nerves and anticipation - the wind was still a whirling dervish around him, serving only to enhance his agitated state.

Would she be pleased to see him? Had he done the right thing in coming here? All he really wanted to do was thank her for the letter and tell her that he would also miss her - right? That was all.. 

He walked along a dim lit path into the complex and then paused to peer at the numbers on the closest apartment doors, he needed to find 15A - he glanced around him and worked out that it should be in the back corner of the lot, upstairs. He carried on in what he hoped was the right direction, but then stopped in his tracks - maybe he should call her first or send a text? Perhaps she wouldn’t appreciate him just showing up unannounced like this, god she might think he was being a total creep! He stood for a moment, paralysed with indecision and he was so lost in thought that he failed to hear the ominous juddering of an army of small black tubes emerging stealthily from the landscaped area beside him. 

He did notice however when the jet of freezing cold water hit him square in the face, a perfect ambush that would make any commander proud. 

“Argghhhh, FUCK!” he yelped in shock and he spun round without thinking which placed his back straight into the path of his aqueous assailant and thoroughly soaking him from the neck down. 

Of course this place would have shitty, malfunctioning sprinklers, geysers of water spurting everywhere but the actual damn grass. He jogged down the pathway, trying to dodge round the worst of the fountains and getting caught by the spray tossed around in the wind - cursing the lack of maintenance and the waste of such a precious resource in such a parched area. 

He leapt to safety onto the lower steps leading up to Rey’s home and leant back against the beige peeling stucco wall.

Great, just great. 

His t-shirt was plastered to his body, his feet were wet through and water was trickling down his face from his dripping hair. 

He sighed deeply and closed his eyes in an effort to calm himself down. Why was he even here? 

He knew why.

Rey had made the past year so much more tolerable for him, especially as it became more and more apparent that his complicated relationship with his career choice and his life in Southern Takodana was leading him towards a change. He’d wished a million times that he had the confidence to ask her to go for a coffee to join him for lunch. But the longer time went on and the closer it got to his leaving date, he didn’t think he could risk getting close to her - plus he wasn’t sure that she would be interested in a guy like him anyway - he probably seemed ancient at thirty-four, he was sure there had to be a decade between them. A young woman as lovely as her would want to be out there, living her best life, making the most of this region’s dazzling entertainment and diverse leisure opportunities - not stuck hanging out with him - especially where he was going to be living very soon. 

He groaned softly, god why were ‘affairs of the heart’ (as his sweet grandma Padme would have said) so stupidly complicated for him? 

Well, he had two choices - carry on up those stairs and face Rey in his ridiculous bedraggled state or just turn around and …and what? Go home and try to call her another time and tell her everything over the phone? 

No, absolutely not. 

He simply had to pull himself together and tell Rey how he felt. At best she would at least know that he would miss her (desperately) too and at worst, she would shut the door in his face and that would be that (the latter scenario made him feel slightly nauseous). 

It was the strength of that feeling which gave him the resolve he needed and he stood tall, wiped the water off his face and climbed the stairs. His stomach was taut with nerves and he could feel his body building a robust fight or flight response as the adrenaline flowed through him but he knew now that he was here to contend for the future he longed for and not retreat behind the line. 

And so when he reached the shabby front door and laid eyes on the cheerful decoration hanging lopsidedly in the middle, he knew that he was making the right decision - his coddled nerves began to transform into excitement - he smiled at the wicker wreath woven with paper leaves in slightly garish shades of yellow, orange and brown, tiny plastic gourds and berries nestled unevenly among them and crowned with a little wooden sign bearing the words ‘Happy Harvest’. 

Autumn.

His own destiny was already inextricably bound to this most glorious of seasons but maybe there was now a slim chance that he would not be alone in his pursuit of happiness. 

Separate futures existed for both him and the beautiful woman in this apartment but Ben knew with clarity that it was his deepest desire to braid them both together with threads of burnished bronze, copper and gold.

With that truly promising thought blooming in his mind, he squared his shoulders and knocked firmly on the door.

Chapter Text

Rey had been relieved to get back to the sanctity of her little home. 

After delivering Ben’s farewell card, she’d stopped to buy emergency comfort food and was planning on eating honeycomb ice cream straight from the tub whilst listening to a geeky podcast. Anything to help her wind down after such an emotionally charged day and anything to distract her thoughts from why it had been so tumultuous. 

Now, finally, she was heading for her couch when a loud knock at her front door made her jump and nearly drop her feast in shock. It was after ten-thirty in the evening, who on earth would be calling on her at this hour? 

She froze because she could also hear a weird scrabbling sound outside and a deep voice muttering. Great, not only did she have an unwelcome late-night visitor, but he happened to be a man and she definitely hadn’t invited one of those over this evening (or ever, if she was being honest). 

She swallowed and closed her eyes. He would likely go away if she just stayed like this, rooted to the spot and barely breathing. He was probably just delivering pizza or something and had the wrong building, an easy mistake in the gloom of a run-down apartment complex like hers. 

Nonetheless, the adrenaline flowing freely through her veins was causing her heart to beat fast and loud. Her ‘fight or flight’ response was apparently useless right now because she was standing stock still within striking distance of her front door where there was a potential intruder not five feet away. 

A second rap on the door made her twitch and squeak in fright.

“Rey, are you there?”

That voice again, muffled but distinct enough to sound... familiar?

She clenched her jaw and decided that the time for flight had perhaps passed, it hadn’t really worked very well anyway, so physiologically speaking, that left fight - whoever was behind her door was either going to get whacked in the face with her rapidly melting ice cream or…well, receive an invite to join her? At this point, either outcome was possible. 

She heard movement on the small landing at the top of her stairs, as if the caller was preparing to head back down. That spurred her into action, she felt compelled to confirm who he was, self-preservation be damned. 

She rushed to the door but paused for a second to steel herself before opening it a fraction and peeking out gingerly.

And there he was.

Her mystery guest, eerily illuminated by the cracked lamp and its flickering lightbulb …and absolutely soaking wet, clutching her harvest wreath and looking rather forlorn.

“Ben?”

His soft brown eyes lit up when they met her astonished face and one side of his mouth lifted in an apologetic half-smile.

“Um, hi, so I got your card and I just wanted to swing by to say thank you but I ran into a bit of trouble on the way here as you can see” he gestured sheepishly up and down his body, “oh and also, I’m so sorry but I accidentally knocked your wreath down and I couldn’t get it back on the little hook.” 

Rey barely heard his sweet apology because her mind was still recovering from the surprise of finding Ben Solo on her doorstep clad in a very damp T-shirt which was clinging to his very broad chest.  The droplets of water sliding slowly down from his dark hair across his face and neck were slightly mesmerising  - he looked strangely wild and…strong and very, very attractive. 

“Rey?”

His voice snapped her back to reality and she noticed then how he was trying not shiver as the cooler night winds swirled around him. 

“Ben, god I’m so sorry, I wasn’t expecting anyone at this hour, please, come in and dry off a bit” she prattled, standing back to allow him in. 

He laughed softly, “yeah, I had an altercation with the sprinklers, those bastards, they really got me. If you are sure, then I’d love to come in and warm up a little, that would be great.” 

He stepped past her and Rey was reminded again of his sheer size as he seemed to fill the entirety of her narrow entryway. 

She was seized with sudden shyness and acute embarrassment. 

Her apartment small and shabby and she felt that she herself reflected that, dressed in her faded old pyjamas with tatty, once-fluffy socks on her feet and her hair piled into a messy bun. Not only that but also the fact that Ben was actually here occupying her space with his manly presence and nice woodsy smell...plus he’d clearly driven over straight from the cantina after reading her note, it was a lot and all these thoughts were playing havoc with her insides, twisting into a heady mixture of nerves and…elation?. 

Meanwhile as her internal crisis escalated, Ben was left standing there patiently, dripping water onto her floor and trying not to tremble. 

“Um so would it be ok if I used your bathroom and maybe borrowed that towel?” 

“Oh yes, yes of course, I’m so sorry, I’m being a terrible host…I’m just…well, I just can’t believe you are here to be honest, at my place, which isn’t the greatest as you can see...” her voice trailed off. 

But Ben just looked down and reassured her in his kind way, “I've got good news, I’m not here to evaluate your apartment Rey, I came to see you, only I hadn’t planned on arriving in such a dramatic fashion, so after I dry off, maybe I could go back outside and try again without giving you a panic attack and breaking your home décor. Does that work?”  

Rey couldn’t help laughing and was rewarded with the pleasure of watching contours of dimples spread out across his cheeks like gentle ripples on a pond as he grinned right back at her. 

“Yeah, that works. You know what? Feel free to take a hot shower and I can put your clothes in the dryer. Take as long as you need, I’ll make some tea for us too.” 

She showed him to her tiny bathroom, deeply thankful that it was relatively clean and fetched her biggest and nicest towel, the one that was actually still quite soft. She wondered briefly if he would actually fit under the showerhead, then had to turn away to hide the blush which bloomed hot over her cheeks when it dawned on her that he would soon be stripping off and naked in her home and she would be the guardian of his clothes.

“Ok, so err, if you just leave your things outside the door, I’ll get them drying. Unfortunately I don’t have anything that will fit you in the meantime except maybe a blanket you could wrap up in if you like?”

Ben nodded gratefully “that would be perfect, thank you so much, and that offer of tea sounds great too. OK I’ll see you in a little while then.” 

Rey went to get the large fleece throw from her bed and waited until she heard the water running before swapping it for the pile of his clammy clothes (minus his underwear she noted with a degree of relief) and hurrying to the laundry closet. 

This day was clearly going to continue throwing wholly unprecedented happenings into her life, all revolving around the tall, dark-haired man currently in her bathroom. It had all begun that morning with her visceral reaction to his imminent departure and the loss of that special painting followed by the most wonderful hug of her life, then later the realisation of how much she was really going to miss him and now in the closing hour of the evening it was all drawing to a close with him actually here in her home.

It was as though the lamentable Santa R’iita winds themselves had caught them both up in the air and flung them together into an inescapable swirling vortex of intense moments.

She busied herself, shoving the redundant ice-cream into the freezer and making their drinks for when he emerged from the shower. Which he soon did, looking extremely incongruous swathed in her soft grey and pink polka-dotted blanket, he reminded her of a huge cloud rising through the mist of a rose-tinted dawn sky. She couldn’t help grinning at the sight. 

“What’s so funny? Wait, haven’t you ever seen a co-worker robed in pastel fleece before?” he deadpanned, the twinkle in his eye making him look adorably boyish for a second.

Former co-worker, Rey instantly thought sadly to herself yet the sentiment must have betrayed itself enough on her face that Ben was suddenly by her side, ushering her to the couch with a warm hand to her back, helping her to sit down before fetching a mug of tea from the coffee table. He handed it to her and she curled her hands around it, grateful for the feel of warm porcelain on her skin anchoring her back into the present. 

Feeling the seat sag because someone else was here sitting down next to her was such a novel experience that it made her look over at her hefty companion. As he was settling back, he had to rearrange the blanket around his shoulders which for a few heady seconds, revealed hectares of smooth, pale skin and impressively sculpted abs.  

Well that was certainly one way to distract her momentarily from her despondency. She knew she was blushing again and had to hope that he just thought the heat from her drink was making her face glow pink. 

At least she hadn't been caught openly staring again. 

Neither spoke for a few minutes, instead just sitting there a few feet apart listening to the sound of the wind as it whistled and howled around the building’s corners. Rey was struck by how surprisingly calm she was feeling, considering how unbearably awkward it ought to be, here in her own dimly-lit living room with a barely clothed man a mere arm’s length away and yet it really was not, it was good actually, really good. She relaxed, tucking her feet up and sinking back into her comfy floral cushions. 

She did still wonder though why exactly he'd come over in person, she'd left her phone number on the card after all...

When a particularly fierce gust rattled the flimsy window frame in front of them, she risked another glance at Ben who had also reclined, seemingly endless legs stretched out across her threadbare faux Persian rug. She was duly rewarded with a glimpse of a finely chiselled collar bone and bright red cheeks, because as it turned out, he’d been the one caught gaping at her. She admired his long lashes as he blinked and looked down into his cup with a shy smile. 

He cleared his throat quietly and she watched the slow movements of the muscles in his neck as he swallowed before raising his head and regarding her steadfastly, as if his own reflection in the amber surface of the tea had given him the resolve to start talking.

“This is nice, you know, being here… with you. I’m honestly glad I’ve ended up with this bonus chance to see you in person again before I go back home, thanks for giving me that card, I can’t tell you how pleased I was to read it. I’m not sure why you didn’t get the email about me leaving, but I’m truly sorry you only found out today. I mean at least I understand now why you hadn’t been by my office to see me and get in as many fixes of the painting as possible.” 

His eyes crinkled as he smiled at her but she caught the flash of uncertainty behind them and she realised that in all her wallowing today, she hadn’t once considered that from his side, it must have looked a little discouraging that she hadn’t bothered to acknowledge his forthcoming move. 

To home as he’d called it just now...

“What a mess” she laughed lightly, “for all our faith in technology and yet it was a good old-fashioned hand-written note that saved the day. I’m sorry too that you thought I was being cold or something, you know I would have come to see you, probably in a less emotional state but yeah today, with the weather being as shitty and un-autumn-like, it was a double blow to find out that both you and the painting were abandoning me at the same time.” 

She was quite proud of herself for getting that last sentence out coherently and especially managing to say the A-word without dissolving again but apparently without consent, her lip was quivering and the salty water running unchecked down her cheeks was confirmation that she hadn’t quite succeeded after all. 

“Oh hey, sweetheart” his deep, mellow voice was like a hug in itself, softly cloaking her sadness while he shifted himself across the couch to gather her up onto his lap in one swift move and tuck her against him.

As he did earlier at the office, he let her cry freely, rubbing her back in soothing circles and pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her head. 

Rey was in uncharted territory now, years of careful dam building seemed to be over as Ben unknowingly dismantled her, pulling twigs, sticks and entire boughs of supressed hurts away to allow the a stream of emotion to flow once again. 

He waited until her sobs had subsided enough that he could speak and she could listen. 

“Can I tell you something about the painting?” 

“Of course you can, go ahead” she sniffled, dabbing her eyes with her sleeve. 

“Ok, well, first of all, it is a painting of a real place called Endor Valley and it's very close to where I’m going to be living, that river actually runs through my property.”

Rey was still, her cheek now pressed against the smooth warm expanse of his chest and his steady heartbeats marked time while she absorbed this news. 

It was real, her cherished place with the enchanting view. Those glorious trees were actually out there somewhere as living, growing things, not just figments of an artist’s imagination. 

It was a truly sublime revelation. 

“I think it’s probably my favourite spot in the world” he continued and she felt her face rise and fall as his chest expanded with his deep sigh, “I was a bit...let’s say...tempestuous as a kid and I used to run off when I got frustrated with life, my feet would always take me along the trails into the forest and I’d keep going until I couldn’t run any longer. A group of hikers found me once fast asleep in a tree hollow beside the path” his chuckle reverberated through his body, jostling her in his lap.

“Each year, I guess I got bigger and stronger and could get further away from the house until one day, I spotted rays of sunlight filtering through the foliage off the main trail and I was intrigued and had to investigate, so I trampled a new path through the undergrowth until I got to the edge of the treeline, there it all was - the valley, the river, the trees... I’d never seen anything so captivating. It was a seminal moment I guess and it became my happy place. I found a lot of healing there actually.”

Rey had closed her eyes while he told this story in his soothing tones, she pictured (and empathised with) the angry little boy tearing through the woods with unruly black hair trying to outrun his own pained self. She imagined him running and getting bigger with the passage of time until he was an awkward teenager, no doubt feeling all wrong in his gangly body - the hair didn’t change though, always a mop at every age and stage, making her smile into his warm, soft skin. 

“When I was growing up, my grandparents ran the estate as a small farm which my mother and uncle then inherited. They tried to keep it going but it was hard for them, they had different careers and couldn’t devote the time needed to keep it profitable. My dad had some ideas but no one could ever agree on a way forward. I think some of my problems as a kid were because I picked up on all their bad energy and arguments. I loved it there so much and I was always overhearing them all arguing about selling up and moving to the city. It made me permanently anxious…hence all the running I guess” he paused, “my god, sorry Rey, what a tale of woe” but she just searched around until she found his hand and then squeezed it gently. 

“Of course it's not, I want to know what happened, what did they decide?” 

“Well, in the end they sold off some of the land and leased the house and surrounding acreage to a tenant farmer who just about kept it afloat until about two years ago before retiring. In the meantime we did move away and yes, I left a piece of my soul there I think. My parents would occasionally go back to check up on the place but I would always refuse to go, I couldn’t bear leaving it again. Watching that forest disappear out of the back window of the car and gradually become the concrete jungle was not something I wanted to repeat in a hurry. So I tried my best to forget, shutting myself away a lot and generally being a very grumpy, highly nerdy teen. I did climb trees a lot though and turned out to be really great at cross country.” 

Rey felt the gentle puff of his breath as his quiet, self-deprecating laugh left his body and rippled through hers once more. She marvelled at the way he was able to weave humour through his painful memories and wondered if she'd ever be able to do the same one day. 

Although she was beginning to think that maybe she could achieve all kinds of things with the solid, comforting presence of this man behind her.

For now though, she needed his low, mellow voice to keep narrating the words and pictures of his story into the recesses of her mind. She knew he was charting a course from his past to his present and she was so enjoying accompanying him but also very keen to learn about the final destination.

She opened her eyes and tilted her head back, taking in the expanse of his throat and the underside of his strong jaw outlined by the dim light. When she noticed the faint dustings of dark stubble beginning to emerge across his pale skin, a surprisingly strong wave of affection swelled up and washed through her. 

This was somehow far, far more intimate than just being pressed against his almost bare form. An obvious mark of his masculinity brought into sharp focus yet softened by the fact that this was something that happened to his body every single evening and continued overnight and now she was bearing witness to this very real and personal part of his daily life. 

It stirred something deep within her, a burning desire to share this level of familiarity with him often. 

Always. 

To wake up and feel those scruffy little hairs rub against her face every morning, to perch on the bathroom counter and watch him shave them all off and to be there again in the evenings, like this, curled up so that she’d be there to see the cycle start all over again. 

Perhaps if she were to lean up right now and press her mouth into the crease of his neck, she could begin to learn him. Feathery soft or already prickly? Would her lips tingle and smart? Would he even sense her imprint? 

She nuzzled into him. 

“Are you still running?” she whispered into his skin, amazed at how smelling her shower gel on him could make her feel a bit giddy and faintly possessive.

Ben drew in a shaky breath and Rey’s pulse thundered in her ears as he slowly lifted their joined hands to his mouth to tenderly return a kiss to the underside of her wrist.

“Yes I am” he murmured in reply “but in the right direction now.” 

“How so?” she asked in a small voice, because while she could understand that this was obviously a positive step in his life, she was still nursing old, untended wounds of abandonment and no doubt the imagery she’d conjured up in her overactive imagination of him jogging off to claim his bright future against a golden tree-lined sunset was not helping her manage her insecurities. 

“Well, like you, I’ve never really felt at home around here and let’s just say that this past decade working in IT has been underwhelming. It was becoming an uphill battle to turn up and care about the projects I was supposed to be leading and I had increasing anxiety about getting stuck on the corporate treadmill forever. It wasn’t really what I’d envisioned for my life to be honest.” He paused to lay his cheek onto the crown of her head, a gesture so natural that it stole more of her breath away in its touching simplicity. 

The words started to form on her lips, to ask him what exactly those hopes and dreams for his life entailed but she knew she wouldn’t be able to say them out loud because she didn’t want to picture any kind of future for him which could have a different person being enveloped in his strong arms or being the lucky recipient of his soft caresses. 

The strength of this sentiment shocked her. God, what on earth gave her the right to think that she deserved his care and attention over any other person out there in the world? 

And yet, she wanted it to be her. She’d never craved anything so badly in her life. Comfort, companionship, safety and …well, maybe the L-word one day, her deepest and most secret fantasy. She closed her eyes tightly as if that would shutter her ridiculous feelings from being seen but not before a lone tear escaped to trickle unchecked down her cheek, she didn’t wipe it away for fear of drawing attention to yet another moment of weakness and besides, to uncouple her hand from the custody of his was just not happening right now.

“You okay down there sweetheart? I’m sorry, I must be boring the socks off you by now and it's getting late, I should grab my stuff and let you get to bed.” He ran his thumb across and over hers and made to slip his large fingers out from where they were still perfectly laced with her own. 

“No, no...it’s fine,” she blurted “… honestly I…I don’t think your clothes will be dry yet. My dryer isn’t very efficient...takes ages..” she winced at her excuse which was so flimsy, she might as well have written her desperate truth down on a sheet of paper and held it up in front of him…

Don’t leave me.  

He laughed softly, “I’m very glad in that case, because I don’t think I want to move from this comfy spot and besides, I’ve grown pretty fond of this nice blanket” and with that, he shuffled them both around and down so that his long legs were now stretched out along the length of the sofa and Rey found herself lying curled snugly into his arms and with the soft fleece fabric now gathered round them both. She couldn’t help the contented little sigh of pleasure when he brushed the hair away from her face and kissed her forehead. 

“So then, are you going back to do something about your family’s estate?” she asked, relaxing into the knowledge that she had bought herself more precious time with him. 

“Yeah, my mother called a few months ago to tell me they were selling everything because it was too much for them to deal with. She said I could have the money as technically the property would have been left to me eventually anyway, she thought maybe I’d like to buy a place out here…honestly, when she hung up, I just sat staring into space, I was numb. Then I was angry and then just, well upset really. I don’t think I’d ever truly thought that there would come a time when I wouldn’t be able to go back to that place. I assumed it would always be there and that one day, it would be my excuse and my escape from this life here... I thought maybe by then I’d have a... a…” he faltered, swallowing thickly. 

Rey squeezed her eyes shut. Time seemed momentarily suspended while she waited for him to continue. He might not want to share what was on his mind and that maybe it wouldn’t be what she wanted to hear anyway, but the simple, unfinished sentence was dangling tantalisingly above the carefully protected part of her soul which ached for connection and belonging. She had to know.

“A what, Ben?” she asked diffidently.

He exhaled and she shivered in anticipation of his response.

“A special someone I suppose…and maybe even a family of my own” he murmured, “it’s what that home deserves…and it’s what I always dared to imagine, always hoped for.” he chuckled softly, “but hey, I mean look at me, a brooding great giant with an off-putting face and a dull life, I don’t really have what it takes to achieve that goal.” 

His arms slackened around her as if acknowledging a sense of defeat. 

Rey was seized by a turbulent maelstrom of emotions, how could he think so little of himself? How could he not know? She wanted to tell him how perfect he was, how special and kind, how handsome. 

He needed to know these truths so that he could chase his dreams, be surrounded by people who would appreciate his amazing property and love his precious secret place with all the stunning, unparalleled views...and who would love him and every wonderful thing he would offer them.

But all the heartfelt words and sentiments instead just remained trapped inside her, ensnared by her own wounded self-worth and fear. Her ardour deflated and she disentangled her limbs from his and swung her legs round to sit hunched over with her back to him. 

“I don’t have a family” she said flatly. “I was left at a fire station when I was about two, then placed in foster care - but I was always a bit too much, too highly strung, there wasn’t any kind of therapy then for kids like me, we just had to get on with it, try and fit in to a new place every few months.” 

“You know, I think that’s why autumn means so much to me, it grounded me as a child, gave me fresh hope, the new school year brought potential, maybe I’d make a new friend or get a really nice teacher. Then the change in the weather gave me a kind of energy, from the gradual cooling, the nip in the air, those earthy smells of fallen leaves and the longer nights. The changing colours reminded me of a treasure chest full of rubies, gold and bronze. I don’t know, probably sounds silly but the notion that simple leaves could transform like that and trees could be in charge of themselves and their journey in such an amazing way made me hopeful that maybe my story could be like that too...” 

Her shoulders sagged and she hung her head mindful of the tears pooling in the eyes again . God, she must have wept more in the past twelve hours than in the past twelve years. 

She felt the couch dip behind her and realised that Ben was moving, his long legs appearing either side of her. She made to stand up to give him room, he was definitely going to leave now, especially after her morose little speech but instead she felt warm hands clasp her hips and pull her down to settle her between his thighs. He tugged her firmly back and wrapped his arms and legs tightly around her, binding her to him. He rested his chin lightly on her shoulder and his soft dark hair tickled her cheek. 

They sat still like that for a few moments and Rey could not think of a time when she had ever felt so safe and secure, pinned against the hard planes of Ben Solo’s body and bracketed by his quiet strength.

It was everything and more. 

She could feel herself melting into this embrace but he didn’t relinquish his hold on her, instead he turned his head and kissed her temple. 

“Rey” he breathed. “Come with me...”

Her eyes widened as his words ghosted across her face and into her astounded mind.

“I want to show you everything back home sweetheart and I’m done being lonely. Maybe we could rewrite our stories…together? You’d love it there so much, I know you would. It’s perfect for you… for both of us.”

That word. 

The one that shone brightest over all the riches that had just poured from the heart of this dear man, the word she’d been waiting on for a lifetime, a salve to her sadness, the very opposite of alone.

Together

“I…I” she stuttered. 

“Please?” 

She twisted herself around to look at him and was met by warm brown eyes anxiously scanning her face and lending their own hue of autumn into his hopeful expression.

It was without doubt a priceless proposition. Plus no one had ever looked at her like she was worth more than diamonds and pearls. 

“Yes. Yes I’d love to join you…” 

Anything she might have gone on to say was lost forever when soft, pillowy lips brushed against her own, gently and hesitantly.

“Thank you sweetheart, I promise you won’t regret it.” he murmured happily before his mouth parted to claim hers while he kissed and kissed his vow fervently and reverently into her heart.

And through the dizzying haze of spine-tingling sensations, between soft sighs and gasps, Rey believed him.