Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was like sinking, yeah sinking. That seemed about right. Not being able to breathe and the fear of drowning mixing like anesthesia in his bloodstream.
Breath in, breath out, he reminded himself. It's all in your head Tyler.
Everybody always said that. But Tyler already knew. It wasn't them who was battling their own mind, it wasn't them suffering from paranoid nightmares, it wasn't hem who was afraid to fall asleep because it took too much out of him to lose control and consciousness for hours.
He was terrified.
Of everything.
Of the dark.
Of people.
Of himself.
He was so terrified.
He was in war with himself and while his mind was throwing daggers at him and launching at his heart with bullets, all he had was a cracked shield.
Josh.
There were some things that were better than the others, things that hurt less when doing, people who were kinder, more gentle. People that didn't accuse him of playing the victim and pretending that it was possible for him to just snap out of it. People who made him soup when he was sick and made stupid jokes to cheer him up and wrapped him in a blanket when all he wanted to was to scream until his voice gave out.
There were people expecting Tyler to win this war.
He covered his ears and held his shield higher, above his chest.