Chapter 1: in which nick is helping the phonically challenged
Chapter Text
this is a ben hope hate club
rugby slay lord
> current mood: rugby slay lord
gay nerd
> ah yes i see that and i love you
done with your bullshit
> hey guys i have no one
lesbean
> isaac it’s okay you’re hot!
> you will find someone because you are hot
> not as hot as tara though
done with your bullshit
> i know, thank you
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
> also single and boring
done with your bullshit
> i know, thank you
> wait what
tao-ler swift
> elle what is that username help
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
> read it and bow to me
gay nerd
> afraid to say that your username is misleading
> because i also was born with a penis
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
> but do you have big tits
gay nerd
> admittedly no
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
> bow to my knockers
TOO SHORT
> nothing like a conversation about breasts to start the morning
lesbean
> hey tara your breasts are the best breasts
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
> insulting
> i have better breasts than tara’s best breasts
tao-ler swift
> is it sad that this is making me uncomfortable
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
> oh tao is too innocent for this sorry tao
tao-ler swift
> i am NOT innocent
> take it back
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
> give me three swear words that you know and i will retract that statement
tao-ler swift
> bullshit
done with your bullshit
> i wonder how he figured that one out
tao-ler swift
> har har
> anyway number two is crap
> and finally bollocks!
> that is three
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
> bollocks is not a swear
tao-ler swift
> are you even british
rugby slay lord
> oh crumpets
gay nerd
> damn cigars
lesbean
> FUCK COLONIALISM
tao is innocent
> british slurs: a thread
tao-ler swift
> FUCK
> YES I DID IT
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
> two of your words were copied
> that is plagiarism
> we don’t stand for plagiarism
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
changed
haha i have bigger tits than you and i was born with a penis
to
tao is innocent
gay nerd
> oh thank god
> i can tag you now
TOO SHORT
> it’s giving voldemort
gay nerd
> I CAN TAG YOU NOWWWW
rugby slay lord
> *tags you*
gay nerd
> *slow motion screaming and green light*
tao is innocent
> i think maybe you are both gay nerds
rugby slay lord
> bi nerd ack-tyoo-al-ee
TOO SHORT
> why would you spell it like that
rugby slay lord
> to assist the phonically challenged
tao-ler swift
> the phonically challenged include: any teacher trying to pronounce my name
done with your bullshit
> t-t-t-t-t-t…. TAYOH?
> TOY?
> TAMARA?
TOO SHORT
> tamara?
tao-ler swift
> the downfalls of being asian
TOO SHORT
> but tamara?
tao-ler swift
> don’t even question it
lesbean
> nick
> can i ask your gay brain a rugby question
rugby slay lord
> i mean
> yeah
> but why
lesbean
> so are scrums hot to you
rugby slay lord
> what kind of question is that?
lesbean
> a valid one?
> because i can’t see any reason why anyone would voluntarily be thrown on the ground repeatedly
> OTHER THAN wanting to be lain upon by big muscly rugby men
rugby slay lord
> it’s fun?
TOO SHORT
> it’s gay is what it is
> ‘it’s a scrum’ no it’s actually an orgy
tao-ler swift
> i know what an orgy is
tao is innocent
> you are lying to me
rugby slay lord
> no it’s absolutely not hot to be slammed into
> it’s just fun
gay nerd
> nick i love you but that sounded gay
TOO SHORT
> okay darcy and i are doing a how gay are you buzzfeed quiz on rugby
done with your bullshit
> how do you plan to make that work
lesbean
> number one - choose a colour
> green obviously because the pitch is green
done with your bullshit
> such wonderful logic
TOO SHORT
> favourite beyoncé song
tao-ler swift
> IS THERE SINGLE LADIES
> PUT SINGLE LADIES
TOO SHORT
> single ladies for the sake of tao
lesbean
> question three
> do you enjoy consensual sexual experiences with or feel sexual attraction to members of the same sex as yourself?
tao is innocent
> wow
> bigggg leap there
lesbean
> ‘quite a bit, yeah’ seems a good option
rugby slay lord
> because a sport can feel sexual attraction
tao is innocent
> rugby BALLS nicholas
TOO SHORT
> which city would you most like to live in
> new york!!!!!!!
> WELCOME TO NEW YORK
> IT’S BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
lesbean
> WELCOME TO NEW YORK
rugby slay lord
> how can a sport live in a city
gay nerd
> why are you still questioning this
lesbean
> drink of choice would of course be cocktails
> next question - do you like having sex with people of the same sex?
done with your bullshit
> im sensing a pattern
> two silly questions and then one that outright asks if you’re gay
tao is innocent
> SAY YES
TOO SHORT
> wait there’s an option for ‘gender binaries, wtf'
tao is innocent
> yes put that
lesbean
> ideal saturday night - netflix
> have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone of the same sex - rugby is gay so ‘quite often, actually’
TOO SHORT
> which us president do you most identify with
> none don’t they all suck
> anyone who is clicking ronald reagan can go die
lesbean
> im putting obama
> favourite root vegetable
gay nerd
> root vegetable?
rugby slay lord
> and what happened to not questioning
> put potato potato is elite
done with your bullshit
> obama is not a root vegetable
> wait
tao-ler swift
> I think you misunderstood
done with your bullshit
> really
lesbean
> ideal romantic partner
> THE SAME SEX
> because in rugby you only play teams of the same sex
rugby slay lord
> have i known you too long or does that make sense
gay nerd
> both
TOO SHORT
> weather phenomenon
> RAINBOW
lesbean
> RAINBOW
tao is innocent
> RAINBOW
tao-ler swift
> I FEEL STRAIGHT AND OUT OF PLACE
lesbean
> which sex is the sexiest
> same sex as me, same reason as above
TOO SHORT
> arbitrary box
> I pick this box because it’s the cutest
> do you guys not wear boxes to protect your dicks?
gay nerd
> yes nick make sure your nick dick is well protected
lesbean
> a maths puzzle
> not reading all that no way
TOO SHORT
> HEY WE GOT PRETTY GAY
> it’s official guys buzzfeed never lies
> rugby is “pretty gay”
rugby slay lord
> thank you for ruining my hobby I guess
Chapter 2: in which tao is NOT innocent (but he still needs help understanding a sexual reference)
Summary:
gay nerd
> *with gravitas* this is a ben hope hate club
Notes:
welcome back! it seems you guys liked this? fun fact for you - this work was originally posted on the thirteenth, and has been updated thirteen days later. taylor swift would be proud. is this a coincidence? I think not. I think this is a schedule I should attempt to stick to
anyway enjoy this! :)
edit: i have realised this was actually posted on the eleventh. taylor swift would not be proud
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
this is a ben hope hate club
done with your bullshit
> this is a ben hope hate club
rugby slay lord
> this is a ben hope hate club
tao-ler swift
> this is a ben hope hate club
lesbean
> this is a ben hope hate club
gay nerd
> *with gravitas* this is a ben hope hate club
tao is innocent
> things like this give me faith in humanity
TOO SHORT
> this is an elle hate club
tao-ler swift
> uh huh excuse me how dare you and why
TOO SHORT
> she is going to STEAL my girlfriend
> STEAL i tell you
tao is innocent
> TARA WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN
> I AM A HETEROSEXUAL
TOO SHORT
> I SAID THAT TOO
lesbean
> yes tara but elle actually is
gay nerd
> i too said i was a heterosexual
> it didn’t last long
> the gay could not be contained
rugby slay lord
> is this a unanimous thing we all said then
tao is innocent
> i said it BECAUSE I AM
rugby lord
> they all say that in the beginning
gay nerd
> and look at us now
> a group of ridiculous queers
> and tao i guess
> who, it appears, is just ridiculous
rugby slay lord
> do you guys want to hear a fun joke
done with your bullshit
> not really but i’m sure you’re going to share it anyway
rugby slay lord
> yeah kinda
> so a guy walks into a bar
done with your bullshit
> ooh so original
> never heard that line before
gay nerd
> shut up and let my hot boyfriend speak
done with your bullshit
> but i’m heckling him
gay nerd
> stop heckling my hot boyfriend
lesbean
> dirty
TOO SHORT
> hey darcy
> you wanna… heckle me?
rugby slay lord
> are you going to hear my joke now
tao-ler swift
> they walk into a bar, yeah
> then what
rugby slay lord
> they have names
tao is innocent
> GROUNDBREAKING
tao-ler swift
> CALL THE FBI
> THESE GENTLEMEN IN THE BAR HAVE NAMES
gay nerd
> the fbi have more important things to worry about than men in bars with names
> carry on nick
rugby slay lord
> one guy is called tommy
> his nickname is tom
lesbean
> but is that really a nickname
> it’s more an abbreviation
rugby slay lord
> IT’S A NICKNAME OKAY
> another guy is called edward
> and his nickname is lil john
TOO SHORT
> now that’s a nickname
> bit of a weird one but yeah i guess it works
done with your bullshit
changed
this is a ben hope hate club
to
this is a nick nelson heckling club
rugby slay lord
> you do know i don’t like you
> i really can’t win can i
gay nerd
> yes you can
> impress them all with the punchline
rugby slay lord
> the last guy is called nicholas
> but he doesn’t have a nickname
> so tom turns to lil john and he’s like “WE SHOULD GIVE HIM A 'NICK' NAME”
lesbean
> yeah then what
rugby slay lord
> that’s it
> that’s the joke
> nick name
tao is innocent
> i don’t get it
rugby slay lord
> NICK name?
lesbean
> still not getting it
rugby slay lord
> where are your BRAINS
> his name is NICK
> and this is his NICKname
> oh my GOD how are any of you passing SCHOOL
TOO SHORT
> i thought his name was nicholas
tao-ler swift
> oh your name's nick is that a clue
lesbean
> TREASURE HUNT
rugby slay lord
> oh i give up
gay nerd
> oh i get it
> that’s good actually
rugby slay lord
> THANK you
tao-ler swift
> you’re only saying that because you’re full of love
TOO SHORT
> not a very good punchline
tao is innocent
> oh is there a sexual reference in the joke or something to make it funnier
> you know
> is lil john a lil more lil than you might have thought
> ya know what i mean
tao-ler swift
> not really
tao is innocent
> oh i forgot you were innocent
> i’m insinuating that lil john is the name of edward’s penis
tao-ler swift
> i am NOT innocent
> thank you though
tao is innocent
> ok innocent
rugby slay lord
> gotta say
> i’m kind of insulted
gay nerd
> they don’t deserve your humour
rugby slay lord
> i know but i want to share it!
TOO SHORT
> we can work on your comedy routine later
> right now i need to go heckle darcy ;)
done with your bullshit
> gross
> you’re gross
> everyone on this chat is gross except tao because he’s too INNOCENT to be gross
tao-ler swift
> WHAT IS IT WITH THIS INNOCENCE THING
> i’m not that bloody innocent
tao is innocent
> tao
> i say this with love, as a friend, as a best friend even
> as a fellow taylor swift fan and sport avoider
> read the username and believe it
tao-ler swift
> WELL TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME
tao-ler swift
changed
tao-ler swift
to
tao is NOT innocent
done with your bullshit
> this is just going to get confusing
tao is NOT innocent
> get confused then idc
tao is innocent
> you are INNOCENT
tao is NOT innocent
> ahem read my username
gay nerd
> you’re all mean is what you are
> spoiling nick’s joke
> rule one of this group chat is we aren’t mean to the golden retriever
rugby slay lord
> people have got to stop calling me a golden retriever
gay nerd
> but you are one
rugby slay lord
> in what sense am i a golden retriever
lesbean
> you just have the energy
> you know
> the happy smily puppy energy
rugby slay lord
> i don’t even like golden retrievers
> why can’t i be a border collie like nellie
TOO SHORT
> because you don’t have border collie energy
> come on nick it’s not complex
rugby slay lord
> when you’re quite done using feng shui to work out what kind of animal i am
gay nerd
> no feng shui needed
> we already no
> GOLDEN RETRIEVER
> i love you baby
tao is NOT innocent
> ooh
> he pulled the ‘i love you’
> nick is now neutralised with love
> kind of golden retriever behaviour if you ask me
rugby slay lord
> if i’m a golden retriever you’re a shih tzu
> because you’re shit
tao is innocent
> i think you see how bad that joke was
rugby slay lord
> yeah i’ll see myself out
rugby slay lord
left the chat
gay nerd
added
rugby slay lord
to the chat
gay nerd
> no you can’t just leave
> that joke was fine!
rugby slay lord
> the joke was excellent actually
> I AM NOT A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
done with your bullshit
> you know every time you reiterate that we get more inclined to tease you
TOO SHORT
> nicholas nelson is a golden retriever
> and a wide receiver
> and a… meat cleaver?
> i haven’t got that far
gay nerd
> wide receivers are american football not rugby
tao is innocent
> how do you know that
gay nerd
> i’ll have you know i’m quite into rugby
done with your bullshit
> and nick made you learn
gay nerd
> nick did not MAKE me learn
> as such, he encouraged me
> steered me on the path of righteousness
tao is innocent
> ooh, the path of righteousness
> exciting
rugby slay lord
> i made him learn
> are you happy now?
tao is NOT innocent
> oh you have no idea
Notes:
hopefully you enjoyed the second installment! all going to plan, I will see you in thirteen days time (although I am kind of almost done with the next chapter and am incapable of waiting so it may well be earlier than that.)
if you want to leave kudos or a comment, I love to know your thoughts!
Chapter 3: in which you should never underestimate the power of the hyphen
Summary:
lesbean
> and really
> none of us are normal anyway
gay nerd
> gay though
lesbean
> so gay
Notes:
WE DID IT GUYS
what did we do you may be wondering. well you did nothing. this was all me. thirteen days after updating this last time, here I am again, updating. we have thirteen day increments ladies and gentlemen. everybody applaud self enforced deadlines
seriously though thank you all so much for reading this and leaving the kudos and such lovely comments! hope this chapter is worth the THIRTEEN DAY EXACTLY (no I don't think im ever going to drop this) wait
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
this is a nick nelson heckling club
rugby slay lord
> this just in: charlie is in his hot girl summer era
> guys he bought an apron saying ‘kitchen slut’ omg i love this boy
> GUYS GUYS GUYS ON THE BACK IT SAYS ‘BITE ME LIKE A COOKIE ;)’ CHARLIE SPRING WILL YOU MARRY ME
lesbean
> charlie marry ME
TOO SHORT
> charlie marry ME
tao is NOT innocent
> charlie please dispose of that hideous thing it is an insult to my eyes
gay nerd
> no this is my pride and joy
> thank you to tara and darcy for having taste
> nick are you going to obey the apron or
rugby slay lord
> HIS APRON IS A SEXUAL INNUENDO HELP
gay nerd
> ;)
done with your bullshit
> idk whether to laugh or to cry
rugby slay lord
> oh wow the things charlie is doing with that apron
tao is NOT innocent
> hey maybe stop
lesbean
> what happened to the good old kiss the cook aprons anyway
> *southern accent* not in MY america
tao is innocent
> guys cool show idea
> it’s called ‘bite me like a cookie’ and it’s a porn show x cooking show hybrid
TOO SHORT
> fair enough id probably watch it
done with your bullshit
> elle no
lesbean
> spat out my water ladies and gents
rugby slay lord
> spat out charlie
tao is NOT innocent
> OH HELP
> WHY DO YOU ALL INSIST ON OVERSHARING LIKE THIS
rugby slay lord
> because
> it’s FUN
tao is NOT innocent
> NOT FOR ME
tao is innocent
> tao’s too innocent to enjoy our marvellous sex jokes
tao is NOT innocent
> THAT’S BECAUSE TAO IS A NORMAL PERSON
> WHO DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HIS BEST FRIENDS’ SEX LIVES
TOO SHORT
> normal people don’t refer to themselves in the third person
lesbean
> and really
> none of us are normal anyway
gay nerd
> gay though
lesbean
> so gay
done with your bullshit
> i was normal once
> then i met you
> things went downhill from there
tao is innocent
> when i first met tao i remember him being convinced that bj stood for bilberry juice
lesbean
> the fuck is a bilberry
tao is innocent
> who knows
> the point is the guy was thinking of FRUIT
tao is NOT innocent
> IT WAS AN UNDERSTANDABLE CONCLUSION TO DRAW
tao is innocent
> YOU THOUGHT THE DICK DOODLE WAS A SMILEY FACE
tao is NOT innocent
> AGAIN
> UNDERSTANDABLE
tao is innocent
> YOU THOUGHT THAT THE SEX HAND SYMBOL WAS FOR THREADING A NEEDLE
tao is NOT innocent
> oKAY MAYBE STOP NOW
lesbean
> i love tao
> i’m not really sure if he spent his tween years under a rock but i love him
tao is NOT innocent
> i spent my tween years with a cool and sexy haircut next question please
gay nerd
> liar
> you spent it with conan gray hair but less hot
tao is NOT innocent
> it was way more hot that conan gray
gay nerd
> nothing is more hot than conan gray
rugby slay lord
> i am so unbelievably convinced that charlie would leave me in a second if conan gray even looked at him
gay nerd
> if conan gray looked at me i would die immediately thank you for asking
lesbean
> INTELLECTUALS
> i need your opinion
TOO SHORT
> are we though
> are we intellectuals
lesbean
> would you rather i started conversations by saying IDIOTS
TOO SHORT
> we are though
lesbean
> valid point
> IDIOTS
gay nerd
> why did you fight for this
TOO SHORT
> i’m in the mood
lesbean
> literally just wanted to ask you something
> why do you guys always make it a thing
done with your bullshit
> because that’s what they do
> they make it a thing
tao is innocent
> you say that as though it’s a bad thing
done with your bullshit
> it is. what’s your point
tao is NOT innocent
> exactly isaac
> a guy makes a few sexual mishaps and suddenly he is branded as innocent for the rest of time
tao is innocent
> do you want to start this again
> because i have at least seventeen examples of your innocence i could broadcast to this chat right now
tao is NOT innocent
> don’t you dare eleanor argent
tao is innocent
> how many times
> my name is not eleanor because i am not fifty six
rugby slay lord
> failing to see the correlation
tao is innocent
> but i needed to full name you
tao is NOT innocent
> just say elle argent
> it’s not complex
> you’re a big boy you should know that
gay nerd
> hate to side with tao but he’s right
> it doesn’t hit the same
TOO SHORT
> you need at least two syllables in the first name for it to be suitably derogatory
> that’s why we don’t call charlie his full name when we’re pissed at him
> charlie spring is a dick who stole my eyeliner
> charles spring is the baron of east london
rugby slay lord
> two syllable names *derogatory*
gay nerd
> would rather steal your eyeliner than be the baron of east london
TOO SHORT
> and i hate you
rugby slay lord
> people in eyeliner are automatically so sexy
lesbean
> i agree
> i would wear it if i could be bothered
> but like why would i
> i can’t see myself
> why bother making myself look sexy if i can’t enjoy the benefits
done with your bullshit
> what i’m taking from that is that you are exactly the kind of person who puts on makeup before masturbating in front of a mirror
lesbean
> no comment
tao is NOT innocent
> this is filthy
tao is innocent
> eighteen examples now taoseph
tao is NOT innocent
> okay where is the logic for that name
tao is innocent
changed
tao is NOT innocent
to
taoseph
taoseph
> yeah but why
tao is innocent
> i believe i asked you that
> it’s the POWER
gay nerd
> powerRANGERS
rugby slay lord
> stop i used to be so into power rangers
gay nerd
> is now to late to divorce you
rugby slay lord
> considering that we’re not married
> no
gay nerd
> excellent we will get a lawyer tomorrow
rugby slay lord
> i want full custody of nellie
gay nerd
> SHE’S MY CHILD TOO
rugby slay lord
> nellie NELSON
gay nerd
> nellie nelson-SPRING
> you underestimate the power of the hyphenated surname
rugby slay lord
> literally what power
gay nerd
> powerRANGERS
lesbean
> don’t you just love when our conversations come full circle
Notes:
edit made: I used the wrong name. I referenced a glee character in a heartstopper chat fic. I think what we can deduce from that is that the shows you watch are coming for you
Chapter 4: in which you can't escape the gays if the gays are running after you
Summary:
rugby slay lord
> what happened to supporting me in sickness and in health
gay nerd
> i literally can’t even legally marry you what
rugby slay lord
> guys can marry guys now!
> marriage equality!
gay nerd
> nicholas
> i am fifteen
Notes:
who remembers self imposed deadlines?
apparently not me. apparently I am useless. I saw this tumblr thing a while ago which was like 'self imposed deadlines don't work for me because I know the guy who set them and he's full of shit' and I think the same is true for me if the deadline is not YOU HAVE ONE HOUR TO WRITE THIS IN A HYPERFIXATION FRENZY
anyway this is as usual unbeta'd because... it's a group chat. do you beta your messages before you send them? it's all about the realism
no that's a lie I just can't be bothered
happy new year guys I hope you like this
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
this is a nick nelson heckling club
taoseph
> so what i’m failing to understand is how it’s 2023 when 2016 was four years ago, 2020 was last year and 2021 hasn’t actually happened yet
tao is innocent
> i mean
> yeah
> that’s what every single person up and down the planet is feeling right now
> you’re not special
taoseph
> i am special
> i’m nOt LiKe tHe oThEr gIrLs
rugby slay lord
> and it was then that tao xu realised: he was exactly like the other girls
gay nerd
> ba-dum tish
> tao xu is an honorary bella swan
lesbean
> would love to contribute but i’ve actually never watched twilight
TOO SHORT
> i don’t think any of us have watched twilight
> i think we all just made a collective decision that no
done with your bullshit
> hands up if you watched twilight
> okay i’m taking that silence as a no and i’m very thankful for that
rugby slay lord
> i feel like tara and darcy were our best bets
lesbean
> offended
> why
rugby slay lord
> because kristen stewart?
TOO SHORT
> okay fair
taoseph
> team edward or team jacob
tao is innocent
> not even going to pretend i know what that means
rugby slay lord
> consider this
> you’re trapped in a room with only a glass of water
> the water can talk!
> you start picking the lock of the door and the water’s like
> water you doing
gay nerd
> nick i love you but
> how does this relate even a little bit to twilight
rugby slay lord
> can’t a guy just make a cool joke without having to relate it to twilight
gay nerd
> yeah but
> we were talking about twilight
> how did you get from there to water
rugby slay lord
> what happened to supporting me in sickness and in health
gay nerd
> i literally can’t even legally marry you what
rugby slay lord
> guys can marry guys now!
> marriage equality!
gay nerd
> nicholas
> i am fifteen
taoseph
> poor guy
> no sense of humour and no knowledge of the laws of marriage
tao is innocent
> don’t even pretend like you didn’t laugh a bit at ‘water you doing’
taoseph
> no?
> i did not?
> because it’s terrible?
tao is innocent
> please yourself
> i am team nick and personally believe that he and charlie should marry immediately
done with your bullshit
> you spelled ‘illegally’ wrong
TOO SHORT
> *star wars theme* a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away
> there lived a fifteen year old and a sixteen year old in love
> the only obstacle in the way of their love?
> the law
rugby slay lord
> tara stop cockblocking our holy union
gay nerd
> hey don’t bring god into this what did he do
tao is innocent
> would anyone like to hear a short presentation on why nick nelson is the ideal man
rugby slay lord
> yes absolutely
tao is innocent
added
glimmergen
done with your bullshit
> sometimes actions speak louder than words
> i think we would have to put this in that category
glimmergen
> hi guys
> what is this?
lesbean
> a group chat
> and frankly i think your powers of observation could have inferred that without asking us
gay nerd
> darcy what happened to being nice
lesbean
> i am very nice
> hello, imogen
glimmergen
> hey!
lesbean
> you are so enthusiastic
> it is odd
rugby slay lord
> wtf darcy
> niceness please,
lesbean
> shushshushshush nicholas
TOO SHORT
> obey my girlfriend nick
> i do ;)
done with your bullshit
> darcy is a dominatrix confirmed
lesbean
> not a dominatrix
> just a top
> big top
TOO SHORT
> like a circus
lesbean
> i am very flexible ;)
>#acrobatics
taoseph
> please
> no
tao is innocent
> @tao is innocent hey myself
> @tao is innocent yes myself
> @tao is innocent isn’t that username approprate
taoseph
> i hate you
> i hate you and i hate this convsersation
TOO SHORT
> dOnT bE hOmOpHoBiC
taoseph
> i’m not homophobic
> i’m like an ally
glimmergen
> was there a problem with me saying that?
rugby slay lord
> no?
> my friends are just idiots
glimmergen
> okay...
> i'm gonna go
> see you later nick :)
glimmergen
left the group chat
tao is innocent
> I have said it before and will say it again
> IT IS NOT NORMAL TO LEAVE THE GROUP CHAT JUST BECAUSE THE CONVERSATION IS FINISHED
taoseph
> yes
> it is
> for example
taoseph
has left the chat
tao is innocent
added
taoseph
to the chat
rugby slay lord
> but
> where is the presentation i was promised
gay nerd
> 1) you are a golden retriever
rugby slay lord
> WHY
TOO SHORT
> why is that so hard for you to handle
> what do you have against golden retrievers
> actually no i don’t care whatever you say will be wrong
lesbean
> question
> why is gay more popular in fanfic but straight more popular in canon
done with your bullshit
> because the people who write canon are lying to theirselves
tao is innocent
> about their own writing?
done with your bullshit
> yes, exactly
> everything and everyone is gay
gay nerd
> HIDE YOUR CHILDREN
> HIDE YOUR CHURCH
> HIDE YOUR SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE
> THE GAY AGENDA IS COMING
taoseph
> the alphabet mafia
tao is innocent
> we are the alphabet mafia
> l - tara and darcy
> g - charlie
> b - golden retriever
> t - me myself and i
rugby slay lord
> no
tao is innocent
> shut up and find a bone to chew
gay nerd
> hello yes i would like to volunteer for the role of bone
taoseph
> I HATE THIS
> I HATE ALL OF YOU
> ALL OF YOU ARE DIRTY GAYS AND I HATE YOU
TOO SHORT
> there is no escape from the gays
lesbean
> exhibit a, tao, the victim of the gay agenda
taoseph
> i AM a victim and you should understand that
taoseph
has left the chat
tao is innocent
> what did I JUST SAY about leaving the chat
tao is innocent
has added
taoseph
to the chat
taoseph
has left the chat
tao is innocent
has added
taoseph
to the chat
taoseph
> how long are we doing this for
tao is innocent
> until you cave
taoseph
> all i want is an escape from you horrible people
> is that too much to ask
lesbean
> yes
lesbean
changed
this is a nick nelson heckling club
to
you can’t escape the gays when the gays are running after you
Notes:
hope you enjoyed this!
edited 22/01/24 because i misrepresented my gal imogen and i love her and will not see her done like this
Chapter 5: in which tao is asian hermione granger
Summary:
taoseph
> double 0 scrotum but that’s not the point
(here I aim to confuse with my chapter summary. what is the point? will we ever know?)
Notes:
OK I KNOW IT'S BEEN ALMOST 2 MONTHS BUT HERE YOU GO
I'm sorry it's been so long. I blame life, and I also blame margaret thatcher. 'well she's dead' well I don't care, I'm not taking responsibility
anyway, enjoy! hope you guys have a great week! :)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
you can’t escape the gays if the gays are running after you
gay nerd
> so over february right now
> like… what do we get
> 28 days of misery plus an extra one on a leap year!
lesbean
> seasonal depression core
TOO SHORT
> I kinda like february
gay nerd
> bullshit
> all the gay homies hate february
rugby slay lord
> since when did you say homies
> it’s lowkey hot
gay nerd
> …since now apparently
taoseph
> it’s not hot
> it is horrifying
> do you have no shame charlie spring
gay nerd
> i have some
> limited, yes
> but it’s a very unnecessary emotion and i simply do not have time for its nonsense
tao is innocent
> if only it were that easy
gay nerd
> it’s all about cHaNgInG yOuR mInDsEt
tao is innocent
> bitch what’s wrong with my mindset
taoseph
> your mindset is certainly not the most worrying thing about you
tao is innocent
> shut up fucknugget
taoseph
> you shut up
> chicken nugget
tao is innocent
> oh am i being a hooligan?
> fiddlesticks! guess i’d better stop this tomfoolery
taoseph
> what are you implying here
tao is innocent
> that you are an old man who is too innocent to even swear
lesbean
> i ship it
tao is innocent
> excuse me you ship what
lesbean
> you and tao
> it would be a slay
taoseph
> can you even imagine though
> “hahaha you’re so innocent you probably don’t even know how do it” - elle, midway through sex, probably
> and before your next comment comes i DO actually know how to do it and i am sure i will be proficient when the time comes
tao is innocent
> hehe
> comes
TOO SHORT
> i just know that tao doesn’t have a clue why that’s funny
taoseph
> i’ll have you know i am very up with sex jokes
> i made my own one yesterday
gay nerd
> tao
> i love you but
> your joke was ‘what does james bond call his condom’
taoseph
> the problem is?
tao is innocent
> yeah but
> what’s the punchline
taoseph
> double 0 scrotum but that’s not the point
done with your bullshit
> oh my good lord
TOO SHORT
> HELP I AM ON THE FLOOR
> TAO’S ANATOMICALLY CORRECT SEX JOKES OH MY FUCKING GOD
taoseph
> it’s because scrotum sounds like seven
lesbean
> IT REALLY DOESN’T
gay nerd
> and here i rest my case
rugby slay lord
> i just don’t get how tao turned out like this
> like
> maybe he didn’t hear any at home
> but my dude were you not here during year 8 because sex jokes were ABUNDANT
taoseph
> IN YEAR 8 I WAS FOCUSSING ON SCHOOL
> NOT ON SEX JOKES
tao is innocent
> MY GUY YOU WERE TWELVE
> YOUR BIOLOGY TEST RESULT WASN’T GOING TO MAKE OR BREAK YOU
taoseph
> don’t think you people understand quite how much of my self worth is dependant on my exam results
> too much is the answer
> TOO MUCH
lesbean
> now you see i am different because i have a life
taoseph
> shut up and let me be asian hermione granger
tao is innocent
> no no no you’re doing it all wrong
> it’s SCROTUM not SEVEN
TOO SHORT
> double o scrotum - the new pornographic spy film
lesbean
> the thrilling sequel goldfingering
taoseph
> this is disgusting
rugby slay lord
> you made the joke
taoseph
> and you have taken it and made it far more sexual than god intended
tao is innocent
> how would you know what god intends
> religion works in marvellous ways
taoseph
> NO
> you do not get to blaspheme right now
lesbean
> is he using that word right?
TOO SHORT
> idk
> don’t think so
done with your bullshit
> he is right, yes
> none of the rest of you have used it correctly even once
taoseph
> THANK you isaac
done with your bullshit
> you’re still innocent though
lesbean
> i love isaac
> he’s so cool
gay nerd
> isaac is an icon
rugby slay lord
> you could even go so far as to call him an i-saa-con
gay nerd
> just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD
> for example
> jk rowling CAN use twitter. she SHOULD have stuck to the books
tao is innocent
> oh don’t even get me started
taoseph
> really don’t
> she can go on for literal hours
lesbean
> but! in good trans news! kim petras winning the grammy!
tao is innocent
> … i am appeased
> for now
taoseph
> clever diversion
lesbean
> genuinely cool though
rugby slay lord
> i don’t like shrek
TOO SHORT
> that was so random what-
rugby slay lord
> i personally do not like shrek
> sue me
gay nerd
> shut up SHUT UP nobody cares what you think
> shrek is a cinematic masterpiece
rugby slay lord
> no it’s not
> it’s literally an ogre in a swamp with his girlfriend
gay nerd
> and that’s the bEAUTY OF IT
> also there’s a donkey? and a dragon?
> it’s a perfect story
TOO SHORT
> don’t want to intrude on this couple’s tiff
gay nerd
> no this could make or break us
> nick am i going to have to break up with you
rugby slay lord
> over a movie
gay nerd
> it’s a RELIGION
> also prince charming was a twat but he was also one of my first crushes so
tao is innocent
> i know
> he was the villain but he was also like
> a really really sexy villain
lesbean
> did you guys miss the entire point of the story
gay nerd
> looks don’t matter yada yada yada
> prince charming had me tingling where tingles should be tingling idc
rugby slay lord
> personally
> personally i prefer dark hair
TOO SHORT
> the RIZZ
gay nerd
> forgiven for not liking shrek <333
rugby slay lord
> knew you wouldn’t be mad for long <333
lesbean
> tara i love you more than they love each other
> <3333 four hearts because i’m petty
TOO SHORT
> are you using our relationship just to prove a point
> if so i am SO in <33333
lesbean
> *chanting* tara and darcy are better than charlie and nick
> tara and darcy are better than charlie and nick
> lesbians are better than gay boys
> nick is a golden retriever
rugby slay lord
> officially so over this
Notes:
hope you liked this, and happy pancake day :D
Chapter 6: in which the buzz is uncomfortable darcy
Summary:
taoseph
> not all uteruses are gross. just yours
tao is innocent
> #notalluteruses
Notes:
*waltzes into the room 3 months late with a starbucks* WHAT'S UP BITCHES
sorry for the wait my friends, life and other works got in the way of this one, hopefully it's worth the 3 month accidental hiatus
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
you can’t escape the gays if the gays are running after you
rugby slay lord
> guess who i just made out in my car with
TOO SHORT
> NICHOLAS! did you cheat on me
rugby slay lord
> tara we have been over this you are a lesbian
TOO SHORT
> sometimes i forget
lesbean
> i’ll take that as a personal insult
TOO SHORT
> not when i’m around you. then i’m gayer than ever
gay nerd
> go on guys guess
taoseph
> are you not underage?
tao is innocent
> my dude. you don’t have to be of age to KISS
> what’s wrong with you
taoseph
> ?? i thought made out meant sex
done with your bullshit
> shut up you did not
taoseph
> WHAT DOES IT MEAN THEN
> IS IT LIKE FRENCH KISSING OR
tao is innocent
> 1) don’t call it french kissing. you’re not eight
> 2) yeah, pretty much
> 3) observe the username once more. tell me i’m wrong
taoseph
> okay
> you’re wrong
tao is innocent
> the AUDACITY
TOO SHORT
> *whispers* the sexual tension
tao is innocent
> tao and i would make a really hot couple to be fair
> like so much attractiveness in one place? how would we contain it
taoseph
> elle i want your babies, we will have the most attractive spawn ever seen
tao is innocent
> unfortunately i lack the uterus for that one
taoseph
> PLOT TWIST: i’ve been hiding a uterus all this time. we shall use that
lesbean
> hiding a uterus in that you’re secretly ftm, or hiding a uterus in that you just. have one ready in your freezer
taoseph
> take your pick, either works
done with your bullshit
> but do they really
> i feel that you’re lying to yourselves here
> and i also feel that this is a mildly abnormal conversation
lesbean
> me and darcy have an extra one! share?
TOO SHORT
> you better be volunteering your own uterus here miss olsson
> because i’m rather attached to mine
taoseph
> in terms of biology or emotions
TOO SHORT
> does it matter? you aren’t having my uterus
taoseph
> i don’t want your uterus anyway, it’s gross
TOO SHORT
> the sexism
taoseph
> not all uteruses are gross. just yours
tao is innocent
> #notalluteruses
lesbean
> personally i think uteruses are gross, like what a waste of time
gay nerd
> i feel so out of place in this conversation-
> like i neither have a uterus, want a uterus or will ever go near one
done with your bullshit
> why don’t we end this conversation then?
lesbean
> isaac why are you trying to kill the buzz
done with your bullshit
> because the buzz is uncomfortable darcy
taoseph
> i agree with isaac! time for a subject change!
tao is innocent
> don’t act like you weren’t involved with the subject
taoseph
> i’m involved with you and i’m not comfortable with half the things you say
TOO SHORT
> like… sexually?
tao is innocent
> i feel like we’ve been here
rugby slay lord
> so do we think tao or elle would be the top
lesbean
> nick that’s not even a debate
> there was never any debate
> obviously elle
taoseph
> i feel emasculated?
> brb i have to go become an incel
gay nerd
> babe have you SEEN the way elle commands tao
> *david attenborough voice* and here you see the wild argent mounting the xu and fucking him up the arse
taoseph
> oh help
> who knew charlie could be so dirty
rugby slay lord
> me, i knew
tao is innocent
> also please? add some foreplay?
> let tao give me a blowjob before i have at his arsehole
done with your bullshit
> why do i shut down one conversation only for you to start an even worse one seconds later
rugby slay lord
> if god didn’t want guys to do anal he wouldn’t put the prostate up the bum
> it’s like we’re following the bible
TOO SHORT
> unfortunately a lot of christians would disagree
lesbean
> i knew a guy called christian once. he was an atheist it was his whole personality
> he introduced himself as ‘my name’s christian. but i’m not christian’
done with your bullshit
> i smell a fellow neurodivergent
rugby slay lord
> throwback to when i barely knew isaac and the boy came up to me with this banger for our first solo conversation:
> what do you call it when italians get married? marry-o
done with your bullshit
> i don’t even know what i was thinking i’m so sorry nick
rugby slay lord
> don’t apologise you know my weakness for terrible jokes
> i have a good one! how did the ocean say goodbye to the sea
taoseph
> ?? nick at least make your jokes logically possible
> the sea and the ocean can’t say goodbye, they are connected
rugby slay lord
> it WAVED :D
gay nerd
> lowkey ship it
tao is innocent
> girl what-
gay nerd
> rarepair grumpy x sunshine, 400k on wattpad
rugby slay lord
> it’s a rarepair and it’s gonna stay a rarepair charles
TOO SHORT
> awww
> i feel a maternal instinct towards you nick
lesbean
> mommy?
done with your bullshit
> ew
lesbean
> shut up you homophobe
done with your bullshit
> at least i don’t like being infantilised
gay nerd
> DADDYY NICKYYYY
taoseph
> shut up SHUT up
TOO SHORT
> as if your girlfriend’s not a dominatrix
taoseph
> 1) elle’s not my girlfriend
> and 2) elle is not a dominatrix
> as far as i know?
> ELLE ARE YOU A DOMINATRIX
tao is innocent
> no you’re the only one for me
> my whip belongs to you and to you only
done with your bullshit
> every time the subject changes a little i feel more of my soul die
> oh, there goes another bit
> are you TRYING to kill me
gay nerd
> a lil bit
> it’s fun
> all games you know
> for shits and giggles
done with your bullshit
> any chance your shits and giggles could be less… sexual?
> no?
> okay
> i tried my best i guess :/
Notes:
hope you enjoyed it, and sorry again for holding you people in suspense for so long! :D
Chapter 7: in which there is a fine line between principles and unhealthy vengefulness
Summary:
gay nerd
> oh well who am i harming
done with your bullshit
> well
> yourself
Notes:
I did forget this fic exists. I'm not proud of it. I'm very sorry for the wait
in light of the new season coming out (which, argh, I need to watch asap oml) here is an update to this fic, and I'm sorry it's been so long. again. good news is I'll likely update it again soon because new nick and charlie = new hyperfixation potential
anyway, enjoy!
Chapter Text
you can’t escape the gays if the gays are running after you
rugby slay lord
> charlie has been listening to vampire on repeat
> i liked olivia rodrigo but i fear i am rapidly losing my love
gay nerd
> but this is how you listen to songs
> on repeat until you hate them
rugby slay lord
> or you could listen to them once or twice
> then come back
> and not hate them
gay nerd
> i like my way better
TOO SHORT
> you know he’s right though nick
> this is a thing
lesbean
> sometimes i don’t know if a thing i do is a thing or a stim
done with this bullshit
> yes it’s a stim you are stimming
> OH YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUN
> GROUP AUTISM DIAGNOSIS DAY
taoseph
> and what exactly would this entail
done with this bullshit
> we all go get autism evals
> darcy and i don’t need them again ofc but you guys can and then we can get chicken
tao is innocent
> why chicken?
lesbean
> holy food of autism is chicken nuggets
> personally i hate them though
gay nerd
> bloooood sucker faaaame fucker
rugby slay lord
> charlie babe you’re like 4 weeks late to this song
gay nerd
> it’s because i had things to do, breakdowns to have
> gotta appreciate olivia post breakdown
> otherwise it’ll make the breakdown worse
taoseph
> he makes a good point
> olivia rodrigo was i think my first exposure to the word fuck
tao is innocent
> NEW TAO IS INNOCENT LORE JUST DROPPED??
> how and why did you not know that word til 2021
> did we not use it around you
done with your bullshit
> no remember we had to use fake words because tao cried when i said shit
taoseph
> LIES
> i did NOT
gay nerd
> OML I REMEMBER THAT
> AJSJSKSJDJKSJKD HOW DID I FORGET THAT ABSOLUTE GOLD
lesbean
> tao. is this true
taoseph
> the truth is a construct
lesbean
> so yes
taoseph
> depends who you ask
lesbean
> you
> i am asking you
taoseph
> …then yes
> iN MY DEFENCE
tao is innocent
> hush
> there is nothing you could say that would make that normal
> i remember now
> isaac lost at video games and swore and then tao fully started sobbing
taoseph
> i was like 13
tao is innocent
> my point exactly tao babe
TOO SHORT
> i’m never sure if tao is a frustrating or a super cute human being
tao is innocent
> both i think
> i view him as i view a particularly unruly puppy
> i love it but also it’s so frustrating
taoseph
> possibly the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me and i will take it
lesbean
> i’m sorry but i do ship it
taoseph
> ship away sister this isn’t happening
gay nerd
> ship away, sister?
taoseph
> shut up
> we are the sisterhood and no one can tell me otherwise
rugby slay lord
> like nuns?
> because i don’t think i’m chill with all the nun stuff
> they can’t have sex and also they have to be women
gay nerd
> sadly that is also off the table for me <3
tao is innocent
> you two are sickening
> do trans nuns exist?
> if not i wanna be the first
taoseph
> i might have to be a women for the occasion
> but i think i could rock a sound of music outfit
lesbean
> julie andrews my beloved
> darcy i would leave you for her
> well her and margot robbie
TOO SHORT
> let’s see how good she is at being a doll first
> then we can decide if you’re leaving me
gay nerd
> nick and i are watching barbie tomorrow and i cannot WAIT
> we’re going to pretend to be male best friends
> and cast longing glances at one another
> until finally we declare our love for one another and renounce the patriarchy during the credits
taoseph
> couple goals
> plus you get to see shirtless ryan gosling
rugby slay lord
> would be lying if i said that wasn’t a lot of the incentive
gay nerd
> ben went
> he hated it
> he thought it was anti men
> this means i will definitely love it
done with your bullshit
> just because ben hates it?
gay nerd
> you gotta have principles right
done with your bullshit
> there is a fine line between principles and unhealthy vengefulness
gay nerd
> let me guess
> i’m crossing that line
done with your bullshit
> yes exactly
> got it in one
gay nerd
> oh well who am i harming
done with your bullshit
> well
> yourself
gay nerd
> i’m doing fineeee
> well
> that’s a lie
> but i am alive and that counts
rugby slay lord
> get charlie to therapy campaign?
lesbean
> let’s start a gofundme
gay nerd
> you couldn’t though
> this head is fucked up but you don’t know how
> only i do
rugby slay lord
> i know
> you message me late at night
> i know a lot of things
> i worry about you all the time
gay nerd
> sweet
> anyway moving on
> should i or should i not start a cult
TOO SHORT
> why is that even a question
> of course you shouldn’t start a cult
gay nerd
> but people would join it
TOO SHORT
> cults are generally frowned upon
> i don’t think it would really catch on
gay nerd
> well maybe i’ll start a trend
> i could get kendall jenner to advertise it
tao is innocent
> there are worse methods
> not a lot
> but there are
gay nerd
> cults are so in this hot girl summer
taoseph
> you did not just say that cults were parts of hot girl summer
tao is innocent
> some of us are just hot girls all year round
> we don’t need just the summer
rugby slay lord
> i LOVE hot girl summer
tao is innocent
> you would you’re a twink
rugby slay lord
> no i’m more masc than a twink
> i’m like a mink
taoseph
> isn’t that a type of coat
done with your bullshit
> yes
> nick you cannot be a mink
> a mink is a type of weasel
taoseph
> PEOPLE MAKE COATS OUT OF WEASELS???
rugby slay lord
> idgaf i could be a weasel
lesbean
> but golden retrievers might eat weasels
rugby slay lord
> always with the golden retriever
> I AM NOT A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
> i am now a weasel i have decided
gay nerd
> that’s not your decision to make
> you didn’t choose the retriever life
> it chose you
> GUYS NICK SHOULD GET A KENOUGH TATTOO HE’S SO KEN
TOO SHORT
> he’s charbie, he’s just ken
rugby slay lord
> absolutely not
> no way josé
gay nerd
> we’ll do it after the movie
> i cannot WAIT
rugby slay lord
> is it too late to back out of barbie
gay nerd
> i mean yeah if you want to keep me in your life
rugby slay lord
> that’s blackmail
> shameless blackmail
gay nerd
> yes it is
Chapter 8: in which preparations begin for the city of love
Summary:
gay nerd
> i could also go for something silly and fruity
rugby slay lord
> wdym you already have me
Notes:
you thought i forgot about this fic didnt you
i did not forget it. in fact i looked at it at least once a week. i did not continue it though. why? i do not know.
i'm sorry to have kept you guys waiting, but hopefully this was a nice surprise. and i'll try and update sooner next time I SWEARR
imogen and sahar exist in this chapter and will exist from now on because imogen is my child and i love her. best character hands down. (look me in the eye and tell me imogen wasnt the best character and mr farouk/mr ajayi wasnt the best ship. go on. you cant do it)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
you can’t escape the gays if the gays are running after you
rugby slay lord
> guys
> i’m gonna add immy and sahar
lesbean
> love sahar
> but
> the ally? must we?
rugby slay lord
> she’s my friend and i adore her so yes
rugby slay lord renamed this group chat paris squad
rugby slay lord added glimmergen
rugby slay lord added sahahahar
glimmergen
> hi again :))
TOO SHORT
> christ alive
rugby slay lord
> tara.
glimmergen
> its okay
rugby slay lord
> no it isnt
> everyone here is going to treat my best friend like a human being please
> thank you
> awkward talk over
> darcy and tara i release you
TOO SHORT
> so pointed
lesbean
> anyone would think we were being targeted
rugby slay lord
> no shit
sahahahar
> heyyyy
> nice group chat
> why are all the saved snaps mugs of tao
taoseph
> ask twatface
tao is innocent
> i treasure your friendship xx
gay nerd
> i treasure the mugs
> ooh what if i put them on a mug
done with your bullshit
> 10/10 would purchase
rugby slay lord
> oh that reminds me
> did you want me to add james to this
> i don't have his number
done with your bullshit
> NOPE
> i am trying to figure things out
> it's not going super well
> we have our own gc anyway
taoseph
> without me? :(
done with your bullshit
> its not a chat like this one
> when was the last time you wanted to discuss prominent queer literary figures
gay nerd
> one time me and tao had a debate about whether frankenstein or his monster was gayer
> does that count
done with your bullshit
> no
> make your own chat
gay nerd
> what does this look like to you
taoseph
> potato
> have you guys ever considered how much of a potato elle is
tao is innocent
> excuse you
taoseph
> like no not in a bad way
> but i could see you oiled and roasted
tao is innocent
> did you just say you want to OIL ME UP????
> SIR
taoseph
> …why would i do that
sahahahar
> has anyone had the talk with him
gay nerd
> everyone here i think
> excluding imogen and isaac
done with your bullshit
> nope
> imogen AND isaac gave him the talk TOGETHER during year 6
rugby slay lord
> WHAT.
glimmergen
> we were doing sex ed and tao told us he thought he might have prostate cancer because he got an erection
TOO SHORT
> NO THATS SO BAD
lesbean
> TAO XU YOU FREAK
taoseph
> YOU SHOULD BE MORE PLEASED THAT IM ALIVE
tao is innocent
> BARELY
> am i gonna have to hold your hand while we cross the road
gay nerd
> not elle finding excuses to hold tao’s hand
tao is innocent
> stfu
> dont you have a boyfriend to kiss
rugby slay lord
> we can multitask no
gay nerd
> OH ALSO
> WHO WAS GONNA TELL ME THAT NICK SPEAKS FRENCH???
lesbean
> WHAT
done with your bullshit
> NICHOLAS???
glimmergen
> arent you half french?
rugby slay lord
> SEE
> I KNEW I MENTIONED IT
sahahahar
> YOU DID NOT MENTION IT
gay nerd
> EXACLTY
> all this time we could’ve been having french dirty talk 😢
rugby slay lord
> obviously you are forgetting how bad i suck at dirty talk even in english
gay nerd
> the bar is low tbf one time ben called me his curly wurly seductress
glimmergen
> i’m pretty sure he’s called me that too hahaha
gay nerd
> break up with him girlie
rugby slay lord
> been there tried that
taoseph
> and thats on low self esteem everyone
done with your bullshit
> its imogen’s first day on this
> she did not ask to be psychoanalysed
> imogen you’re an enfp right
glimmergen
> how did you guess that???
done with your bullshit
> i’m a wizard
tao is innocent
> oh so its okay when you psychoanalyse her
sahahahar
> good that youre all having fun
> but i am buying snacks RIGHT now and if you dont speak i will have nothing good because all i like is liquorice
glimmergen
> she scares me
sahahahar
> i have your silly fruity little haribos
gay nerd
> i could also go for something silly and fruity
rugby slay lord
> wdym you already have me
tao is innocent
> get me a banana and a doughnut
> i’ve got some things to explain to tao
taoseph
> I KNOW HOW IT WORKS GODDAMMIT
lesbean
> tara we MUST sit across from them
done with your bullshit
> i will be sitting with james
sahahahar
> imogen you want to sit together?
glimmergen
> sure 😊
rugby slay lord
> OKAY
> HOES, HOEMOSEXUALS AND TRANS PEOPLE
> AND ISAAC
done with your bullshit
> shush i would be a great hoe
rugby slay lord
> okay fine
> hoemosexuals, trans people, and hoes including isaac
> WTF IS THIS SEXUAL TENSION BETWIXT MR FAROUK AND MR AJAYI???
gay nerd
> theyre gay lol
> did you not know that
rugby slay lord
> was not aware mr farouk was one of us
lesbean
> have you ever looked at the man
TOO SHORT
> he has terrible gaydar
glimmergen
> he thought ellen degeneres was married to liam hemsworth
gay nerd
> OMG???
> imogen i will need you to tell me more embarrassing stories about him
rugby slay lord
> MY MUM’S TOLD YOU ENOUGH
> NO MORE
gay nerd
> nick’s mummy told me lots of things hehehehe
sahahahar
> DO WE WANT BEVERAGES
tao is innocent
> milk
taoseph
> i hate you so much
gay nerd
> jack daniels for me
lesbean
> scotch on the rocks and some cocaine
rugby slay lord
> my motivation to revise back
gay nerd
> i stole it
rugby slay lord
> you ARE my motivation
> return please
gay nerd
> i have been gone 2 minutes
rugby slay lord
> return idc
> oh hey mr farouk just GIGGLED at mr ajayi
gay nerd
> babygays
TOO SHORT
> you are younger than both of them
gay nerd
> babygays
Notes:
hope you liked this
as a TOKEN OF THE TIME YOUVE WAITED I MADE A HEARTSTOPPER PLAYLIST
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4xX6oCEde3UjPqaiUIJtzL
ENJOY
AND I'M ON TUMBLR @genghisthebrain YOU CAN SCREAM AT ME THERE I WOULD DESERVE IT
ENJOY YOUR DAYS/NIGHTS GAY PEOPLE
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