Chapter Text
“Anyone can be a barbarian; it requires a terrible effort to remain a civilized man.” -Leonard Woolf
The sky was an odd color, she noticed, and wondered if it was just one more thing she’d always looked at through eyes other than her own. The thought made her heart jump to her throat. Was she so sheltered – no, not sheltered – hidden from the world that she never even had her own thoughts about the color of the sky?
“Tess, baby, come back inside so we can talk this out.”
She didn’t tear her eyes from the sky despite hearing Marcus step outside, the screen door that he’s been meaning to fix for months crashing to a close behind him. That glass has to be on the edge of shattering.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Tess said through tight lips. She didn’t want to yell, and she was prepared for the guilt trip coming her way.
“We always have something to talk about,” he counters, and she wants to correct him by saying he always has something to talk about. That’s all the man ever does is spout word after word after word and he was so cruelly good at it.
Tess wanted to turn around and scream in his face. Without her knowledge, he had sent a text message to her friend saying that she couldn’t make the concert tonight. Then he hid her phone and when she asked him if he could help her find her misplaced phone, he told her she should take care of her things better. She was nearly about to tear the place apart after an hour of searching, when it somehow miraculously showed up on the kitchen counter next to the microwave.
Marcus deleted the message he sent to Anna, so confusion skyrocketed in a few brief texts:
TESS (6:42pm): I am sooo sorry, I lost my phone!
ANNA (6:43pm): What? …It doesn’t matter, I found someone else to go with me, we’re already on the road
Tess stared blankly at her message. What? She knew that they were supposed to leave at 6:15, but couldn’t she have then stopped by to just pick her up if she couldn’t reach her?
TESS (6:45pm): I don’t understand, I thought WE were going?
ANNA (6:46pm): Ummm……
And then Anna sent her a screenshot from her phone that shows Tess sent her a message at 5:32pm saying that she fell ill suddenly and wouldn’t be able to go.
Her soul plummeted to her feet. Marcus. Why did he have to do that? He knew how excited she was about the concert and night with Anna.
“Why did you cancel my plans?” She asked with a restricted throat. She didn’t want to cry.
“Baby, I can see you comin’ down with somethin’,” he grabbed her shoulders and turned her toward him. She used to love looking into his caring eyes, but she was starting to see the façade more and more. He placed a hand to her forehead and she instinctively flinched back. “The bags under your eyes have been growin’ the last few days and I know that means you’re not feelin’ right.”
Tess’ stomach clenched and she briefly wondered if he was right and she didn’t notice she was feeling sick until now. There was something going around, another cold variant. She could be quite susceptible to them. She felt like she wanted to vomit, but she also felt strangely empty. Like her gut was having a phantom pain. What was this?
“Maybe…” she said softly, slowly, “But I think I would have been fine tonight.”
“And feel like complete shit tomorrow? Nah, c’mon. Besides, it’s too late now so may as well forget it and move on.”
He was right. I was too late now. But she didn’t think she could just forget it and move on. Anna was one of her last few friends left and Tess wondered if Anna would even still like her after bailing tonight. She’d probably never invite her anywhere again. She most likely hated her. And Tess didn’t blame her. Once again, it was Marcus that continued to stand by her. Or in front of her.
Something was wrong and it made her dizzy trying to pinpoint what it was.
She forced a small smile, “I think I might just change into pajamas and do some reading before bed.”
His smile lit up his whole face, “Now that sounds like a good idea. I love knowin’ that you’re safe and sound in our bed, baby.”
Tess’ smile faltered only slightly when he leaned in to kiss her before turning around and heading back inside. The door slammed. The glass survived another round.
—-----
The collective was finally starting to come together, but it still felt so disconnected. Was there a way to skip the journey and end up at the destination?
Keith knew he wouldn’t do that even if there was a magical way. The thrill of a journey lingers, lasts for years, it’s the chase. The destination is there to say relax…you made it.
But then what?
Still, struggling musicians had a rough go of it and very few could understand the reasoning of why someone would want to live their life for a dream that was not likely to happen. Maybe the one person that understood the most was his girlfriend. Lila had been around since nearly the start and he loved that she stuck around despite his crazy schedule.
He did everything in his power to make her feel safe and loved though. They both had a bit of a…rough upbringing. Rough might not even be the best word to start describing their pasts, but it was definitely a starting point.
Lila’s parents died in a hiking incident when she was a young girl which forced her into the system. She ended up with foster parents that were okay to her. But they never went above and beyond for her; she knew she was mostly a paycheck for them. Once she turned eighteen, she moved out and waited to see if her foster parents would ever reach out to invite her back home for the holidays, or just to check up on her. They never did.
Keith’s mom had sole custody of him when he was young. He never understood why, but apparently she knew how to put on a good act in front of the people with power. Behind closed doors though, she would shed the caring mom façade and show her true colors. He didn’t like to talk, or even think, about the abuse and the large hole it ripped from his heart knowing that his own mother didn’t like him and could treat him so unkindly. About the time his dad found out about the abuse, Keith was eleven and the damage had been done. His dad fought for sole custody after that and thankfully got it, but Keith always felt like he became a shell of who he could have possibly been. His dad had a long term girlfriend that also welcomed him into her life, and seeing how they treated each other was his saving grace, he knew.
This is what real love looks like, he remembered thinking.
And he wanted to show that to Lila. Though there were times when he felt like he annoyed her with his effort.
He tried to shake the thought as he bounded up the stairs to her apartment, going two at a time. He had a big bouquet of roses in his hand, and a reservation notecard to the new fancy restaurant that opened up recently. She mentioned they should try it sometime when it was in the middle of being built. Keith had been gone for a few weeks and wanted to surprise her.
But when she opened the door after his excited knocking, her eyes did not show that she was as excited to see him. She tried to put on a big smile as she took the roses, but Keith could feel something was off.
“How’ve you been, Li?” He leans down to kiss her, but the kiss also feels cold, “Sorry I didn’t call from the road on my way home, but I wanted to surprise you,” he paused when she didn’t immediately say anything, “I…hope that’s okay.”
“Oh yeah, yeah, it’s fine,” she dismissed, turning to walk the flowers to the coffee table in front of the couch. She then noticed the card buried in the flowers and plucked it out, opening it like it was a piece of mail.
He allowed her eyes to skim over the reservation details before speaking, “I was able to get a table for tonight at six.”
“Oh…” she looked at her watch then pulled her phone out of her pocket, “Um…sorry, I already made plans tonight.”
“O-oh…” he stuttered, feeling his body freeze and yet catch on fire at the same time, “Well, I mean, the reservation is for the new restaurant you wanted to try and they told me they were booking up fast and that it’s good I got a table when I did otherwise we’d have to wait for months, and I wanted to surprise you, so I thought what better night than the night I come home; I figured you’d be free since you knew that and we would–.”
“You’re rambling again, Keith,” she interrupted. She sighed and stood up, avoiding eye contact though she did try to look at him every few seconds, “Look, it’s no big deal. When I said I wanted to go there, it was more of…I dunno, something to say. I don’t really want to go there. We can just…hang out tomorrow sometime and order pizza. Or something.”
Keith wasn’t sure how to respond. So he said the only thing that came to mind, “But I wanted to try it with you.”
“Okay, well…you can still go if you want. Take one of your bandmates. Celebrate!” Lila tried way too hard to sound upbeat when she said it. Their dynamic was off. She used to jump at the chance to do anything with him, and he understood that as relationships evolved and couples got more comfortable and used to each other that some things would change, but he didn’t like this part.
“I feel like you don’t want to spend time with me anymore,” he blurted, hearing the emotion in his own voice, but there was still nothing in her eyes.
“Just because I made other plans tonight, you jump to that conclusion?” She stopped, bit her bottom lip for a quick second, then said, “I think I’m done.”
He stepped back like she shot him, “Wait, what?” He chuckled in disbelief, shock. “All because I said I wanted to take you out to eat?”
“That’s not the only reason why, so don’t try to pull it off like it is,” she countered, “We’ve been growing apart for a while now.”
“That’s news to me,” he muttered.
“That’s because you don’t pay attention.”
He didn’t have anything to say to that. He always paid attention to her. At least, when he wasn’t traveling. When he was home, he always wanted to be around her. Maybe that was his downfall.
Taking one last glance at Lila, then the flowers, he nodded and then turned to leave. Her apartment door was soft close, so he couldn’t slam it even if he wanted to. But there was just something about leaving with a ripped out heart and the door gently closing behind him that really did him in.
—-----
She left him three weeks ago and was doing amazing. She was doing great. Okay. She was doing all right. Tess hated that she missed him. She tried everything she could to keep herself busy, even allowing a few casual dates. She knew she should be working on herself and not try to bring anyone else into the picture yet, but there was no better distraction than another person.
During one of her casual dates, when she was having an okay time, who would walk in but the devil himself. Marcus had been staring at her, and she felt a deep gaze on her for long enough that it finally made her look in his direction. The electricity that crackled across the distance between them did not go unnoticed by her. Why did he have to be so handsome?
Suddenly, she wasn’t listening to a single word her date was saying. She tried to look engaged, but her mind was elsewhere. Did Marcus know she would be there? Had he been following her this whole time and finally decided to reveal himself? She could still feel his eyes on her.
Eventually, the date said he had to leave and offered to take her home. She declined. She didn’t like strangers knowing where she lived. It was clear he wanted to go in for a hug goodbye, but it ended more in a close awkward handshake. She couldn’t hug another man with Marcus watching her. Even though he didn’t own her. Oh no, he did not.
When the date exited, she tried to turn casually to see Marcus sitting at the bar. He was still staring at her, his dark eyes baring into her soul from over his glass. She couldn’t look away no matter how hard she tried. Then he pulled out the barstool next to him, inviting her over. Her legs walked, her heart pounded, and her brain screamed.
“Hey, baby girl,” he cooed as she slid into the seat.
“Don’t call me that,” she said curtly but he all but ignored her when he flagged the bartender down and ordered her a glass of wine.
“How you doin’? You know I’ve been thinking about you ever since you walked out,” he confessed, going straight for the kill.
She tried to act like he didn’t say it. “I’ve been really good actually,” she thanked the bartender and took a small sip of wine, “I’m starting to look for some research positions to finally put my degree to good use. Not a whole lot in this area at the moment, but a lot of promising avenues.” Part of her wanted to blurt all of this out to prove that she could make it without him; another part of her was yelling at herself to shut up, that he didn’t deserve to know all of her positives.
He only nodded, “And dating? Also seems like there’s not a whole lot in the area at the moment if that guy was the best you could do.”
She didn’t retaliate as she took another few sips, “Just having fun.”
“Fun?” His fingers fluttered to her right knee, rubbing it from the outside to her inner thigh, “You know you ain’t gonna find anyone as fun as me.”
Tess hated how her body reacted so quickly to him. And she hated that he knew it too.
She tried to change the subject, “What have you been up to?”
Marcus leaned in close to her, his breath circling her core, “Trying to take my mind off of you by fucking other girls.”
Her face burned up at his words. She wanted to slap him, but she couldn’t tell if it was because of his crude language…or because she was jealous. She closed her eyes when he came closer and his lips brushed the side of her cheek to her ear, “None of them were as good as you, baby.”
Her breath hitched and she allowed his lips to cover hers and she hated herself. She hated herself. She hated herself.
—------
“I think we need to think of a location that’s cheap but not too far from a big city. Outskirts are our best friends,” Erik said, scribbling ten words a second as he spoke. He was the main founder of the Lion Tamers and it’s no wonder, as his mind was constantly in a rush for the next great thing they could do.
“Somewhere in California?” Ian, another founder, offered up.
“That should be the ultimate goal. California, if we play our cards right, will be our greatest accomplishment, I know it,” Erik kept writing almost like there was no way his hand could stop less it fell off.
A moment of silence until Keith spoke up, “What about Michigan? Detroit Rock City. Bring back some fresh music to the scene.”
“That is a fucking fantastic idea, man,” Erik paused in his writing and patted Keith hard on the shoulder a few times, “Let’s start planning!”
Erik always moved so fast, ideas were like a whirlwind. He knew right away if an idea was bad, if it would take a lot of work, or if it was worth instantly pursuing. Keith didn’t quite understand how his brain worked, but was thankful for it.
“Are you good to travel, man?” Erik asked, “Things still weird with Lila?”
Keith sighed and slumped down in his seat, his arms crossing over his chest, “That’s over for good. I tried to get her back, but when she finally just stopped…” He paused, remembering the resolve in her eyes when she looked right at him and said, “Keith, no.” And he knew that was it. He didn’t regret trying, but he knew when enough was enough.
“Shit, man, let’s get you back out there! Let’s go out tonight!” Ian offered up. Erik didn’t say anything as he was in planning mode, and Keith rolled his head on his neck slowly.
“I dunno, I don’t think I’m ready. Think I just might put all my time and effort into the Lion Tamers and then if someone comes along…”
“That’s the spirit!” Erik yelled, having a one track mind and glad that Keith seemed to be jumping on it.
Keith and Ian exchanged a glance with small smirks. Erik would marry this career if he could. Keith didn’t think he’d even be able to look at another girl ever again. Okay, that was being a little more pessimistic than he needed to be, but it would be a very long time before he would be able to find his 10. Meaning, someone whose looks matched his type and whose personality complimented his own.
He’d always been very cautious about dating; it always made him think of his own parents and how someone like his dad (kind, calm, collected) had ended up with someone like his mom (short-tempered, mean-spirited, manipulative). He supposed that was the key word. Manipulative. He even went so far as to research it when his father started using the word to describe his mother, and was surprised to find such titles as Master Manipulator. And it made him wonder if it was her mastery that, despite all the wrong she did to him, made it impossible to hate her. He couldn’t hate her. He couldn’t hate her.
—-------------
Tess was having a late afternoon coffee with Anna. Tess was surprised she even still wanted to plan outings with her after what happened with the concert. She was hesitant to even bring it up, but she didn’t have to when Anna opened something on her phone and slid it toward Tess.
Tess would be lying if it didn’t make her heart speed up a notch. Did Anna catch Marcus doing something he wasn’t supposed to? What kind of spot would that put her in? She often wondered what she would do in a situation like that. Anna would want her to leave Marcus right away. And yes, that would be the logical thing to do, but…
“What’s this?” Tess tried to say coolly, too scared to pick up the phone and only glancing at the words on the screen.
“It’s a job opening as a research assistant for a documentary filmmaker,” Anna stated bluntly, though not tearing her eyes off of Tess’. “I think you should go for it.”
“Oh,” Tess responded with surprise, that being the last thing she expected. She managed to pick up her friend’s phone and skimmed the duties of the job, “Anna…this looks amazing…” She felt a wave of flattery that Anna would even think to show her this. Sure, Tess mentioned a few times that she went to college to study film and music, but she didn’t expect her to really do anything with that information. Tess herself didn’t think she would do anything with that information. After all, Marcus was quick to tell her it was a useless degree and he would someday help her get something worthwhile. Someday.
“It’s in Detroit, Michigan,” Anna deadpanned, seeming to hold her breath after she announced it.
“Oh,” Tess said again. This time with a bit of sadness behind it. She had never been outside of her small town in Connecticut and the thought of bringing it up to Marcus…he’d never allow it.
“I want you to apply. But I don’t want you to tell Marcus about it,” Anna said sternly, and Tess had never seen such conviction in her eyes.
She tried to chuckle it off, “Marcus is my partner, I have to tell him–”
“No, Tess, he’s not your partner. I’m sorry that I didn’t step in sooner or try to help more…I guess I was just as blinded by what was really going on too, but you cannot stay with him.” Though her voice was full of confidence and her eyes were full of tough love, Anna’s hands were fidgety as she kept tucking her blonde waves behind her ears.
Tess felt a sudden wave of protection for him rise up and it hurt her heart and soul, “No, he takes care of me–”
“Tess, please,” Anna reached her hands across the table to wrap them in Tess’ hands. It caused Anna’s phone to drop to the table, but she didn’t seem to notice, “I don’t know if I have to spell it out for you, but Marcus is not a good man. I’ve seen you try to leave before but I can’t even imagine how impossible that is when you’re stuck in this small town and he’s always right around the corner.”
Tess could do nothing but stare down at their entwined hands. She opened her mouth to speak but no words would come out, her voice box constricted. Tears pooled her eyes and one fast tear escaped and rushed down her face like a waterfall before she could even grasp what was happening.
“I–” Tess’ voice cracked, and she had to swallow hard, lick her lips a few times, before slowly opening her mouth again to try, “I don’t have the money to get there…”
“I will help you. And hey, you got a car at least, right? We’ll make a plan of everything you’ll need to get you there so you can get this job interview and I know–I just know–they’re gonna love you.”
Tears were freely streaming down both of Tess’ cheeks now. She has never been so conflicted yet excited yet scared absolutely fucking shitless in her life. Anna continued to squeeze her hands together, waiting for the wave for intense emotions to pass.
“You are so fucking strong, Tess,” Anna said gently, “You can do this.”
Tess released a big breath she’d been holding in as she tried to restrict her sobs, reluctantly slipping her hands from Anna’s so she could grab a napkin and wipe her eyes, “Why do all this for me?”
“Real question is: why not? You’re my friend and…” Anna paused for a moment then said bravely, “I’ve been there before. In an abusive relationship,” the A-word made Tess cringe. Was that really what she was in? Is that what it looked like to the outside world?
And hearing the word used, it made her think of the night prior. Marcus was upset about something that she knew meant something to him. He had brought up to her that he was having a few friends over that night and told her to pick up beer and to make dinner for him and his friends. The event slipped her mind until Marcus came home from work and immediately asked, “Why don’t I smell dinner?”
“What?” Tess asked innocently, but as soon as the word left her mouth, her heart plummeted when she suddenly remembered…
Marcus’ anger flared instantly, “My friends are due to come over in fifteen minutes! All I asked for you to do was cook dinner tonight since I know you can cook and just choose not to because you’re so lazy!”
“Marcus, I am so sorry, I–” she sealed her lips tight as her body went rigid when he began screaming profanities and tossing the dining room chairs across the room. She held her arms firmly at her sides as he got in her face to scream, throwing glass jars at the wall next to her. She’d seen this temper on a few other occasions, and she found it was best to not run or scream or try to cover herself, as it only seemed to infuriate him more.
“So fucking dramatic!” he would yell if she showed fear, as if his anger wasn’t something absolutely terrifying.
“Tess,” Anna’s voice brought her back to the present, “Will you apply?”
And, showing no fear, Tess nodded, “Yes.”
—-------
ERIK (9:03pm): Everything all set?
KEITH (9:04pm): Yep, got the house booked for the week and a meeting with the realtor Monday morning.
ERIK (9:05pm): Excellent!! Have a safe flight tomorrow man. Thanks again for going!
KEITH (9:05pm): np
Keith tossed his phone on his bedside table before realizing he needed to make sure his alarm was set and phone fully charged. He reached back over and set the alarm and plugged in the charger, then decided to pull up the email from HomeAway again to read over the confirmation number, date, and keycode. Everything was set.
He again went to Google to look up the neighborhood he would be staying in. It looked rough, but hopefully it wasn’t as bad in person. But the history of the area led other articles to come up about conspiracy theories which led him down a rabbit hole of horrifying conspiracies surrounding abandoned areas and liminal spaces.
Before he knew it, it was nearly 2:00am and his mind soaked up too many unnerving images made from all the Reddit posts.
He groaned when he once again placed his phone on the bedside table and turned out the lamp. His eyes were more tired than he actually was. He tried not to think about everything he just read. And despite that, he passed out almost instantly–
–only to wake up suddenly realizing he was struggling to breathe. What the hell? He was dazed as dream memories flashed and faded, flashed and faded. Something about his mom. He was scared and tried to scream for help but he had no voice. Fade. Gone.
Keith groaned and slammed his head on his pillow in an attempt to go back to sleep, but then his alarm went off a second later. He grabbed his phone, and the only thing he could think about was sleeping on the plane and then getting to his temporary house and sleeping. Three hours was not enough.
He managed to get himself out the door and called an Uber to the airport with no problem. He got a Dunkin’ coffee at the airport and it woke him up enough that he couldn’t sleep on the plane ride from New York to Michigan. When he landed, he went to the rental car area and requested a car.
“Did you make a reservation?” The woman behind the counter asked.
“No…I didn’t,” Keith said slowly, now instantly regretting that step, “I guess I figured there would be cars available.”
“Normally there would be,” the woman explained, “but there’s a medical conference going on this week and everything is sold out.”
“Wonderful,” Keith commented, but realized quickly that there was nothing more he could do at the moment, “Guess I’ll Uber.”
He didn’t necessarily like the idea of being stuck without a car, especially when the Uber driver entered the neighborhood the house he rented was located in. At the same time, maybe it was a good thing he didn’t get a car, so he wouldn’t have to worry about it being vandalized during the night.
It was odd seeing such a nice house in the middle of decrepit houses on both sides of the street. The Uber driver was nice enough to ask if he was sure this was the spot he was staying at. Keith assured him that he’d be fine. All he could think about at that moment was scarfing down the Subway sandwich he bought on the way there, and then passing out.
Rolling up to the door, then presses in the key lock box code. “Eight-Three-Three-One.” He says out loud and is happy when the lock falls open to reveal the key. “Home Sweet Home.”