Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was a bright, sunny day outside. The silence of the Mushroom Castle was music to the ears of Toad.

Toad was fairly high in the MK hierarchy – high enough to be given a room of his own in Peach’s castle. He enjoyed the quiet, happy to do whatever he pleased. And the castle had been that way for the longest time.

Until that fateful day. Five years ago, everything had changed. And the most drastic of those changes…

“Oh-ho, hello!”

…had just walked into the foyer. Great.

“Hello, Toadie.”

Toad sighed. “Hi, Mario.”

Before Toad stood a plump man in blue overalls, a red shirt, and a matching red cap, with an “M” sewn onto the front. White gloves covered his hands, and large brown shoes covered his feet. Brown hair peeked out from under his hat, and a large brown mustache was under his nose. His bright blue eyes sparkled.

“Lemme guess: you want some spaghetti.”

“M-hm!”

“Sorry, but we’re kinda out. So get lost.”

“Nooooo!”

Mario’s eyes welled up with tears. He fell to his knees.

“But… But Mario needs his spaghetti!”

“Well, too bad,” Toad said harshly. “Again, get. Lost.”

A ring of the doorbell interrupted them. Mario instantly stopped crying, the tears vanishing in an instant as he gasped.

“Food?”

“Mario, nobody ordered–”

“FOOOOOOOOOD!”

Mario rushed to the door, swinging it open – and stopping dead in his tracks.

“You’re not food.”

There stood a man who, physically, was nearly identical to Mario. His color scheme was different, though – he wore white overalls, a blue shirt, and matching blue hat. His eyes were brown, unlike Mario’s. His hair was jet black, as was his mustache. Instead of an “M” on his hat, it was instead branded with a blue “4”. 

“Uh… no?” he said, confused. “You okay, Mario?” He spoke with an Australian accent.

Mario stared, his eyes looking opposite directions in what Toad had dubbed his “idiot face”. “Who are you again?”

The lookalike blinked. “Um… it’s me. SMG4?”

Mario stared silently.

“We saved the kingdom together?”

Mario continued to stare.

“The USB thing?”

The Stare continued.

“I had you help me with “The Cake is a Lie”?”

“Oooh, you’re-a that loser guy who makes YouTube videos and doesn’t go outside!”

“Hey!”

“It’s-a been awhile!” Mario said happily. “I had some fun with-a that video!”

“You punched Lakitu in the face.”

“Same-a thing. C’mon, Mario was about to find-a some food!”

As Mario headed off, SMG4 walked into the castle – followed by three other Mario lookalikes. The first wore green overalls with a cyan shirt and matching cap, embroidered with the letter “X”. Like Mario, his hair and mustache were brown, and his eyes blue. Jet black gloves covered his hands. His skin was slightly darker than Mario, SMG4, and the other lookalikes.

Following him was a lookalike wearing black overalls with a red shirt and cap, the latter embroidered with “FM”. His hair and mustache were blonde, his eyes blue, and his gloves pink.

The final lookalike wore red overalls with blue shirt and cap, bearing the letters “MCG”. Once again, he had blue eyes and brown hair. His gloves were a bright yellow, and his shoes stark white.

Mario quickly jumped back when he saw them. “Ah! It’s-a Mario’s fan club! Don’t kidnap me again, pleeeaaase!”

SMG4 blinked. “Um… don’t worry, these are just some friends I made at Hobowarts. Mario, meet X, FM, and MCG.”

Mario laughed. “Wow! They have stupid names just like you! No wonder you’re friends!”

SMG4’s eye twitched.

“Anyways,” X said, preventing an argument from sprouting. “It’s nice to meet you, Mario.”

“Aren’t you the guy that beat Bowser?” MCG asked.

“M-hm!”

“…I don’t see it.”

“What’s going on in – oh. Hello, Mario.”

Princess Peach stood at the top of the stairs, a look of mild disdain on her face. Ever since… the incident, she’d found herself growing less fond of her old plumber savior every day. She’d had to ban anyone from holding a party at the castle while she was away because of what the idiot had done last time.

“And who are these?” she asked, glancing at SMG4 and the others.

“Oh! They’re SMG4 and his friends!” Mario answered cheerfully. “He was the guy that helped get rid of that thing from before!”

Peach recalled. She was grateful that he and Mario disposed of that… thing before it did any more damage than it already had. “Oh, yes. I am eternally grateful for your aid in preventing further corruption of our kingdom.”

SMG4 chuckled, rubbing the back of his head. “It was no problem, Princess.”

Peach smiled. “Why don’t you all make yourself at home? We have several guest rooms. Oh, and Mario?”

“M-hm?”

“Do not set the castle on fire. Toad, keep an eye on him.”

“Noooo…” Mario groaned. Toad just grumbled in the corner as Peach left the foyer.

SMG4 smiled. “Welp, I’m gonna get my stuff moved in. Gonna be living here for a while. Could you guys lend a hand?”

X, FM, and MCG gladly agreed, but Mario… wasn’t so keen.

“But that’s-a work!” he groaned. “Mario’s too lazy for that!”

SMG4 sighed. “Alright, fine. Let’s just get this done.”

The three headed out to unpack their stuff as Mario walked off. Toad considered following him, as per Peach’s orders, but ended up deciding against it. If Mario did something stupid, there was no way in hell he was going to be involved. So he just leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, enjoying the returning silence while it lasted.

“There,” SMG4 said, smiling. “Finally done.”

After nearly two weeks of collecting his belongings and moving them to the castle, SMG4 had finally set up his stuff in the guest room. Near one of the windows, his simple wooden desk stood, a desktop computer atop it for his work. Posters was mounted on the wall, one displaying characters from the popular video game Team Fortress 2, another displaying a rabbit puppet from hit new series PuppetGAME by SMG4's friend Liam, and another with a picture of reigning Splatfest Champion "One-Shot" Wren. A television was set up nearby, with a paper set next to it, with the showtimes of various episodes, movies, and televised events jotted down. 

“Now, to finally get to work,” he said, sitting down at his computer.

And then the door burst open.

“SMG4! SMG4!”

SMG4 sighed, knowing of Mario’s presence even before he spoke. “What is it, Mario?”

“You’ve gotta see this! It’s-a so funny!”

Mario held his phone in front of SMG4’s face, a paused YouTube video displayed on the screen. SMG4 could see an N64 Mario model on it, doing something stupid. He recognized it from a recent video of his, called “The Crazy Fighters”. It acted as a crossover between his YouTube series and those of fellow machinimists X, FM, MCG, and RM. It actually had some basis in real events – a crazy man who was unnaturally strong enough to haul a toilet everywhere he went had indeed attacked the school, and SMG4 and friends had stopped him.

SMG4 sighed. “Yeah, Mario, I know. That’s my video.”

“Uh, no?” Mario replied. “Your channel’s name is SuperMarioGlitchy4. This-a one isn’t that.”

“Wait, what?!”

Mario played the video. It… it was identical in plot. There were a few notable differences – but only in the casting. Different-colored Marios replaced SMG4 and his friends. The dialogue was barely even changed.

“What is this?!” SMG4 shouted. “This… this guy’s ripping off my stuff! How dare he! What’s his name?”

“Mario doesn’t know.”

“The channel name, you idiot.”

“Hey! Mario’s got a solid 4 IQ!”

SMG4 rolled his eyes, taking the phone from Mario. He looked at the channel name and froze. His mouth gaped. His eye twitched, as it usually does when he’s angry, as he read it aloud.

“SuperMarioGlitchy3.”

“Give-a that back!” Mario shouted, grabbing his phone back from SMG4.

“I can’t go anywhere without someone trying to ride my coattails,” SMG4 grumbled, storming out the door. “First that kid in the club, now this guy. Honestly!”

As SMG4 stormed towards the door, MCG heard the commotion, sticking his head out of the door of the living room.

“What’s going on, Four?”

“Somebody’s been stealing my content.”

The trio froze.

“What?”

“Since when?”

“Who?”

“I… don’t know,” SMG4 replied. “It could have been going on for months. Years, even! And the only clue we have to who is a name – SuperMarioGlitchy3.”

“He ripped off your name, too?” FM cried.

“I know, right?

“SMG3…?” MCG glanced at X. “You don’t think…?”

“James was… complicated,” X noted. “But a thief? That seems… out of character for him. I mean, sure, he had a lot he needed to work on, but… he left the YouTube Rangers. He gave up on that stuff, for who knows what reason. I highly doubt it’s him.”

“James?”

The two glanced back at SMG4, who looked very confused.

“Y‘know, James?” MCG said. “That other guy in the Rangers?”

“Rangers?”

“Our nickname for the media club.” MCG answered Mario’s question dismissively before returning his attention to SMG4. “You don’t remember him?”

“…Um…”

“We don’t need to worry about that right now,” FM said sternly. “Right now, we need to find the perpetrator and bring him down.”

“But how?”

“Elementary, my dear Luke.”

X groaned. “Oh, no. Here we go…”

“We simply use my amazing police skills to track his Internet signal!”

MCG blinked. “Is that… legal?”

“Anything’s legal when you’re on the side of justice!”

“That’s not–”

“Trust me, X – my boss said it, so it must be true!”

X groaned. “FM–”

“Too late!”

FM was already on his laptop, typing stuff in that the others couldn’t really understand.

“And… got ‘im!”

A small red dot appeared on the map portrayed on his screen.

“Says the uploads are coming from… uh… no, this can’t be right…”

“What is it? Where is he?”

“…The castle roof.”

“Well, guys,” SMG4 said, standing up. “Let’s go take down this thief!”

The group stepped out onto the castle’s roof (having gotten permission from Peach, of course – X made sure of that). They looked around seeing no one.

“You sure he’s up here, FM?” SMG4 asked.

Then, they heard some muttering from nearby. FM grinned.

“Yeah, I think so.”

The five leapt around the corner, where they finally came face-to-face with the one stealing SMG4’s videos, a laptop in hand.

He was yet another Mario lookalike. He wore a jet-black set of overalls, along with a dark blue shirt and matching cap, a white “3” in a black circle embroidered on it. His gloves and shoes remained their usual color. Black hair poked out from under his cap, and a brown mustache decorated his face. His eyes were brown, similar to SMG4’s.

He turned around, setting eyes upon the group. He smiled and rose, setting the laptop down and dusting himself off.

“Greetings, SMG4,” he said, with an Australian accent richer than SMG4’s own. “It’s been a while.”

SMG4 blinked. “Um… do I know you? I mean, you’re saying I do and all, and you do look kinda familiar, but… I dunno, man, I’m coming up blank.”

The other man froze. “You… don’t remember…?”

SMG4 squinted. His eyes widened and he snapped. “Oh! X, this is that James guy, isn’t it? Wait, was he the kid who kept copying my ideas somehow?”

X didn’t respond, though, staring at the thief in shock.

“…James?”

The man chuckled. “Oh, X. I should have told you, it's SMG3. That's my real name, I think, for what that's worth. Glad to see at least one of you remembers who I am.”

“Hey, we ain’t your friends!” SMG4 shouted. “You stole my videos, you ass!”

SMG3 shrugged. “It’s the least I can do, SMG4. It’s not like you haven’t done anything worse.”

“I… what?”

SMG3 chuckled. “So you even forget that. How…  predicable, for someone like you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, SMG4, let me tell you a little story…”

“Aw hell naw! Mario doesn’t have time for a story!”

Mario quickly pulled out a Fire Flower, transforming into Fire Mario and throwing fireballs at SMG3. The man yelped as he barely dodged the oncoming fireballs, until one slammed right into his rear, sending him flying off the roof screaming. The others watched on in shock and awe.

“Wow,” MCG muttered. “Guess Mario can dish it out.”

“Is… is he even alive?” X asked nervously.

“You think this is it?!”

SMG4 sighed. “Yeah, he’s fine.”

The gang went over to the edge of the roof, glancing down to see SMG3 shaking his fist at them angrily.

“I’ll get my revenge, SMG4! This isn’t the last you’ll see of me!”

SMG4 sighed. “Sure, whatever, man.” He reached over and grabbed SMG3’s laptop. “Oh, hey, you forgot this!”

And he tossed the laptop down.

SMG3 scrambled to catch it, but just barely missed, and it smashed against the ground, the laptop’s pieces scattering across the bright green grass. SMG3 stared in shock, then glared back up at the group, a scowl on his face.

“This. Isn’t. Over.”

And with that, SMG3 ran off.

X turned to SMG4. “Don’t you think that was a bit harsh?”

SMG4 shrugged. “He stole my content. He can just buy a new laptop. And if he does come back and try to steal my work again, we’ll deal with him. FM can arrest him for plagiarism.”

“Aw, hell yeah! I can arrest someone again!”

“Not something to be excited about, FM.”

“Oh, c’mon, X! You just can’t understand the life of an officer of the law!”

X sighed.

“Welp, Mario’s gonna go home,” Mario said cheerfully. “Maybe Luigi bought some spaghetti while he was out.”

As Mario walked off, X sighed.

“I’m gonna go get some sleep. That was weirdly exhausting.”

As X walked off, SMG4 glanced at the others.

“So, who wants to go play video games?"

The group cheered loudly, heading inside... and being completely unaware that they were being watched.

Kamek had been spying upon the Mushroom Castle for some time now – the past year, to be exact. Mario’s erratic behavior continued to confound the Magikoopa. He seemed… dumber. As if his intelligence had been lowered to make him one of the stupidest things on the planet. Even so, Kamek could tell he would present a threat. As for the other four, the new ones, he didn’t know. One was a police officer, but seemed humorously incompetent at it. The others, based on what he’d learned, were content creators of some sort. He hadn’t seen much of them in action, though.

He decided the time had come to report. Kamek disappeared in a puff of smoke.

“What do you have to report, Kamek?”

“Mario has not changed since my last report. He continues to falter in the intellect department. However…”

“C’mon, spit it out.”

“It seems that Mario has gathered new allies. I cannot judge for certain their effectiveness in combat, but one does have gun training, even if he doesn’t seem like the type to actually use it often. If we’re going to strike, sir, we need to do it before he makes more allies.”

“I agree.”

King Bowser Koopa rose from his throne. Prince Bowser Koopa Jr. stood at his side, grinning. Bowser smiled sinisterly.

“Looks like we’ll get our revenge on those pesky plumbers sooner rather than later.”

King Koopa’s monstrous laugh echoed through the halls.

Chapter Text

Within an apartment in Oviscity, one of the biggest cities in the Mushroom Kingdom, a person sat in a chair, obscured in shadow, flipping a coin nonchalantly as they talked on the phone. Their silhouette was similar to Mario’s. 

“So you just want me to discredit this “Mario” guy?”

“Exactly.” Bowser’s deep, growling voice was recognizable to anyone listening to the conversation. “Use your… abilities to turn his allies against him, and you’ll be richer than you can imagine.”

“I dunno,” the person replied sarcastically. “I can imagine a lot. How much we talking?”

“I’m the king of the Koopa Kingdom, and if this succeeds, I’ll rule the Mushroom Kingdom as well, with Peach as my queen. Pull this off, and I can make you a billionaire.”

The figure caught the coin between their index finger and their thumb. They smiled.

“Consider it done.”

At the Mushroom Castle, Mario sighed happily, putting his cap on head.

“Ah, that-a was good spaghetti!”

The Italian leapt up. “Imma go check on Luigi. Bye-bye, Toadie!”

As Mario ran off, Toad stared at the ground, his pitch-black eyes wide, his mind scarred by what he had just witnessed.

“Why are we still here… just to suffer…?”

Mario, meanwhile, shut the door behind him as he left the castle and began to run home, not knowing he was being watched. 

The person Bowser had hired spied on the plumber from the roof. They looked almost identical to Mario, but their skin was somewhat darker. They were clothed entirely in black, the only breakup being the label on their hat – a white circle with a black “Z” in the center. Their heterochromic eyes gleamed in the sunlight – one brown and one eerily red with a strangely white pupil.

“That’s the Mario he was talking about, huh?” the person whispered. “Doesn’t look so tough. Looks kinda like me, really.”

They glanced down at their black glove. A faint red glow enveloped it as they clenched it and smiled.

“Can’t wait to get ahold of him. This will be fun.”

They rose and backed up, carefully calculating their next move. When they had finished, they rushed forward and jumped.

Mario strolled down the path away from the castle when a shadow fell over him. He glanced up, his eyes quickly widening as someone slammed into him. Mario struggled, catching a glimpse of his attacker, before the person grabbed him by the head. Their hands glowed red, and Mario froze as his eyes turned the same color, and everything went dark.

Mario rose. He chuckled, opening his eyes – now brown and red.

“Ah, it feels so good to bodyjack again!” Mario – or rather, his assailant – said with a grin. “Now… let’s get down to business.”

Mario found himself falling through darkness. He couldn’t see anything aside from himself. Suddenly, he slammed into a solid surface, everything going stark white. Mario rose, his eyes adjusting to the brightness. 

“What is this place…?” he muttered. 

“Hello, Mario.”

“Ah!”

Mario jumped, before turning around to see his assailant standing in the white void.

“Who are you? Where am I?”

“You may call me Z,” the recolor said. “As for your second question, this is your mindscape. I’ve trapped you here and taken control of your body.”

Mario blinked. “Wut.”

“Yes, I’m in the driver’s seat now,” Z continued. “So I hope you don’t mind if you see yourself in the news later, being arrested for murder.”

“What?!”

“Goodbye, Mario.”

Mario rushed forward to tackle Z, but his enemy vanished before he could reach him.

“Oh, no…”

Z grinned, his smile plastered on Mario’s face.

“Now that the idiot’s taken care of, let’s get to work.”

He walked off, everybody passing by none the wiser to Mario’s predicament.

Luigi hummed as he cooked up some spaghetti, listening to the nice tune of Birabuto Kingdom. He knew that Mario would want it whenever he got back.

Unlike most of his friends unaffected by the incident, Luigi had grown accustomed to Mario’s antics. Sure, he was a bit stupid at times, and occasionally got on Luigi’s nerves, but they were still brothers. Though, Luigi had noticed Mario’s… less caring attitude as of late. He didn’t seem as sympathetic or generally nice as he’d been before that whole mess. 

The door opened, dragging Luigi out of his thoughts. He smiled.

“Hey, Mario!” he called out. “Imma making some spaghetti!”

“Thank you, Luigi.”

Luigi froze. Something was wrong. The voice that had answered him was Mario’s – there was no doubt about that – but it was missing his accent. Mario had always spoken with that accent. 

“Mario?” Luigi spoke up. “Are… are you okay?”

After a few moments, Mario’s voice, still lacking the accent, replied. 

“I’m fine, Luigi. Don’t worry about it.”

Yeah, there was no way Luigi wasn’t going to worry. He left the kitchen and headed into the dining room, where Mario stood by the table.

“Mario?”

Mario looked up, and Luigi froze. He saw the different-colored eyes, the emotionless expression. 

“Mario…?”

“Mario” sighed. “Oh, Luigi. You should have stayed ignorant.”

“Mario” ran over and punched Luigi, sending him flying back into the kitchen. The possessed plumber stopped to pull a knife out of the knife block.

“Mario, what are you–”

“Mario” grabbed Luigi by the neck, pinning him against the wall.

“I told you, you just needed to stay quiet, and I wasn’t going to hurt you,” he said. “Give Mario just one person he could rely on. Make it a bit of a game. But now that I think about it, it would be kinda fun for no one to know the truth of why Mario murdered his own brother in cold blood.”

“Y-You’re-a not Mario…”

“No shit, Luigi,” Z growled through Mario’s mouth. “Course, it’d be more satisfying if your brother were to bear witness…”

Mario ran through the white void of his mindscape.

“Wow,” he muttered. “Mario’s gotta be very smart to keep his-a head so clean.”

“Hello again, Mario.”

Mario froze at the sound of Z’s voice. “What do you want from Mario, bitch?!”

“Just for you to take a look.”

Suddenly, a massive projection appeared in front of Mario, showing him what his eyes were seeing – Luigi, with Mario’s hand wrapped around his neck, and a knife at his throat.

“Ooohh,” Mario muttered. “Mario’s pulling another prank on Luigi!”

“…What? No! I’m about to kill him!”

“Eh, he’ll be fine.”

“…Everyone will hate you.”

“And?”

“…You won’t be getting any more spaghetti.”

Mario’s eyes widened. “That’s right! Luigi’s my spaghetti maker!”

“And your brother.”

“That too.”

Z groaned. “Seriously? You’re the guy that beat Bowser and saved the kingdom? Ugh, you are so underwhelming. I’m just going to do it.”

“Nooooo! Mario’s spaghetti!”

Luigi’s fearful face had begun to recede as “Mario” stood completely still.

“Mario…? Are you… fighting back?”

“Mario” blinked. “Oh, no, Mario’s just being an idiot. Y’know, he only got worried for you after I reminded him that you cook his spaghetti.”

“Um…”

“Anyways, I’m going to kill you now. Mario will get the blame, and I’ll get all I could ever dream of!”

Z raised the knife, and Luigi closed his eyes… until a knock and a creak from the dining room was heard.

“Mario? Your door was…”

SMG4 stopped, staring at the scene before him. “Mario” turned around, glaring at SMG4, knife in hand.

“…open.”

“SMG4, run!” Luigi cried.

Z sighed. “Is the universe just really wanting to screw with me today? Guess that’ll be another kill on the list.”

“Mario” lunged forward, slicing at SMG4. The YouTuber barely dodged the swipe, turning and running off while dialing 911.

Z sighed. “He doesn’t matter. Now, back to Luigi.”

Suddenly, a police car slammed into them.

“STAHP RIGHT THERE!”

A horde of policemen, all identical to Mario save their entirely-blue outfits with the MK Police Forces logo on their hats, poured out of the car, clown car-style.

“How is that even physically possible?!” Z questioned aloud. “Also, HOW ARE YOU ALREADY HERE?!”

“Mario, put down your weapon,” FM shouted. “You are under arrest for charges of assault and attempted homicide.”

“Mario” scowled. “I’ve evaded your grasp for thirty years. I can keep doing it now.”

The policemen looked to each other.

“Isn’t he, like, several years younger than that?”

“It’s-a not Mario!” Luigi shouted, his head peeking out a window. “I mean, in person, it’s-a him, but it’s-a not.”

“What?”

“None of you will get to worry about that,” Z growled. “Because I’m going to end you all as Mario and watch him take the fall.”

Mario rushed through his mindscape. 

“C’mon, c’mon, Mario can’t live without Luigi’s spaghetti!”

It was then that Mario spotted something in the distance. It looked like… his house.

“Mario’s house?”

Mario ran over and opened the door. He began looking around frantically. When he entered the replica of his bedroom, he saw someone in the top bunk of his and Luigi’s bunk bed – his bed.

Climbing the ladder to get a good look, Mario discovered that it was none other than Z himself. He growled something about Mario falling or something. So Mario did what anyone would do in this situation.

Push Z off the bed. 

The bodyjacker’s eyes quickly flew open. “What do you think you’re doing?!” he growled.

“You’re-a not gonna take Mario’s spaghetti!”

Z rushed forward, the policemen in his sights. He quickly drew pistols and aimed them as Luigi cried out in horror–

–just as Mario’s body froze mid-charge.

His eyes turned pitch black, and his mouth opened wide, as black smoke poured out. The smoke quickly took a Mario-like shape and solidified, forming Z’s body. Mario collapsed, lying on the ground with his eyes shut.

“Ugh…” Z rose, blinking a few times. Their eyes widened in realization as they looked down at their hands – not Mario’s.

“DAMMIT!” they shouted angrily. “I was so close! If that idiot plumber hadn’t–!”

It was then that Z remembered the policemen. They glanced over.

“Um… hey.”

They were subsequently tasered.

As the policemen put handcuffs on Z, Luigi rushed over to Mario, lifting him off the ground.

“Mario!”

For a moment, Mario’s eyes remained closed. Then, they peeked open, before fully snapping open wide. His eyes went back to their “idiot” positions, and an absurdly wide grin spread across the plumber’s face.

“Hey, Luigi! You got any spaghetti?”

Luigi smiled. “Yeah, Mario. Let’s-a go.”

The two brothers walked back inside as the policemen stuffed Z into the back of their cruiser, the bodysnatcher shouted curses after the brothers.

“This isn’t the last you’ll see of me!” Z swore. “You cost me a fortune! You will pay for this, Mario! Next time I won’t be trying to discredit you!”

“You have the right to remain silent.” FM grinned. “But you’ve said enough to get yourself convicted already, bud.”

“…Shit.”

Chapter Text

“…and then when Mario was done, there was no more spaghetti left!”

Toad sighed. “And that was scary… how?”

“Mario ran out of food!”

Toad stared blankly at the Italian.

“Yeah, whatever. Here, I’ve got an actual scary story for you.”

“Oooh, Mario wants to hear Toad’s story!” Mario said excitedly, sitting down.

Toad grinned. “Now, this story is one learned of more recently, but it is truly one of great mystery…”

“Not so long ago, following the... incidents, the castle was undergoing reconstruction. Rumor has it that a carpenter by the name of John, while on lunch break, discovered a hidden path underneath the castle. And hidden at the end of this pathway lay a door. This door had no purpose, no reason to exist. It wasn’t in the castle’s plans. Perhaps it was the remains of an ancient civilization, from before the rise of the Mushroom Kingdom. Nobody knows – or ever will know. The carpenter never returned. Perhaps he remains behind the door, trapped for all eternity, plotting vengeance on the world that abandoned him!”

Mario screeched, jumping back, prompting Toad to laugh.

“Oh, c’mon, Mario, no need to be a baby. It’s just a story.”

“Or is it?!”

Mario and Toad turned to the new voice. Standing at the doorway between the entrance hall and the foyer was another red Toad. This one, however, wore adventuring equipment and a headband flashlight.

“Greetings, friends!” he said cheerfully. “I am Captain Toad, adventurer extraordinaire! I’m planning on investigating this mysterious legend. Would you two like to join me?”

Toad blinked, then waved Captain Toad off. “Nah. I don’t got the energy.”

Mario, however, looked ecstatic. His eyes practically shone with glee.

“Don’t worry about Toad! Mario will join you!”

Captain Toad grinned. “Excellent! Do you know of anyone else who can join us?”

“Mhm!”

Mario rushed off, leaving Captain Toad in the foyer.

SMG4 frowned as he narrowed his eyes, putting all his focus into what was in front of him. It was life or death. Major stakes were in play - his reputation.

“C’mon… c’mon…”

He was currently playing a fighting game, with the lengthy title of Super Smash Each Other in the Ass Brothers. It boasted a massive roster from across pop culture history. He was currently in a match with X.

“What’s wrong, SMG4?” X taunted. “Having trouble?”

SMG4 focused even harder. He was so close…

Suddenly, the door burst open, and in flew Mario.

“SMG4!”

SMG4 jumped, startled by Mario’s sudden entrance. X, unfazed, delivered a final blow to SMG4’s character, winning the match, signified by the machine singing “Game over, yeah!”.

“Hey! No fair!” SMG4 shouted. “I was distracted!”

“SMG4! SMG4!”

SMG4 sighed, turning to the plumber. “Yes, Mario?”

“Wanna go on an adventure?” Mario asked, his eyes sparkling.

SMG4 sighed. “After the last couple months, I just want to relax a bit, Mario. I mean, first SMG3, and then... Z, right? Yeah, sorry, I’m sitting this one out… so I can beat this man’s cheating ass!”

X chuckled as his friend glared at him. “Oh, I’m not cheating. You’re just bad at this game.”

SMG4’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, it’s on, asshole!”

He hopped back into his chair and grabbed the controller. 

Mario sighed, leaving as the two started up another match.

"It's-a fine," Mario assured himself. "Mario’s already got another idea!"

With that, Mario ran off.

Luigi hummed as he counted up the change from the cash register and handed it to the customer standing in front of him.

“Thank-a you for coming!” he said cheerfully. The customer pocketed the change and walked out, leaving Luigi smiling. He turned to his coworker, a white anthropomorphic cat in a green shirt and darker green apron, with yellow glasses over her eyes and headphones on her head. A streak of blue dye ran through their hair. On the left strap of her apron were a two pins. One depicted the colors of the non-binary pride flag, and the other read “She/They”.

“I don’t see why you find this a-so frustrating, Karen,” Luigi said cheerfully. “It’s-a nice to talk to the customers.”

Karen rolled her eyes. “Just you wait,” they muttered with a New Donk City accent. “You haven’t met the rougher ones.”

Suddenly, the door exploded.

“Here comes one now,” Karen noted. “Good luck, Overalls!” With that, Karen took off, leaving Luigi alone. He shuddered, turning towards the door slowly. From the smoke came… Mario.

Luigi sighed in relief. “Oh, thank goodness. It’s-a just you, Mario.”

Mario rushed over, a grin on his face. “Hey, Luigi!” he said excitedly. “We’re gonna go on an adventure!”

Luigi blinked. “Um… sorry, Mario. I can’t.”

“Hm?”

Luigi sighed. “Look, someone has to-a pay for your damages. And since you don’t-a want a job…”

Mario stood still, his eyes staring in opposite directions. Suddenly, he grabbed Luigi by the wrist and took off.

“Mario wait–”

“We’re going on an adventure, Luigi!”

“Maaariooo!”

Karen watched as Mario ran off, dragging Luigi behind him. After a moment, she shrugged and went back to work.

“Mario’s got someone to come with us!” Mario exclaimed as he burst into the castle, still holding Luigi by the wrist. Luigi groaned.

Captain Toad grinned. “Great! We ready to go?”

Luigi carefully rose. “And where are we going?”

“To find the door!”

“…What?”

“Let’s go!” Captain Toad shouted, running towards the back hallway. Mario followed, and, with a sigh, so did Luigi. 

“So where’s-a this… door?” Luigi asked skeptically.

“Nobody knows for sure,” Captain Toad replied. “All we know is that it’s underneath the castle.”

“And you’re sure it’s-a real?”

“Who knows?” he replied, grinning. “Half of the adventure is the mystery!”

“Mario has-a blueprints of the castle.”

“…or we could use that.”

Captain Toad took the blueprints and looked at them.

“Huh. Looks like there was some sort of hole in the ground that they filled with cement for the cannon.”

“Wait, you’re-a talking about the one that the carpenter disappeared into, aren’t you?” Luigi asked, eyes wide. “From the old story? You can’t-a be serious!”

“Hey, if he’s still down there, we can rescue him!” Captain Toad assured. “Now let’s go!”

Captain Toad rushed off. Mario followed with an “Oh yeah!”, and Luigi silently followed, resignation on his face.

“Oh yeah, where’d you get these, Mario?”

“I stole dem.”

“So… how do we move the cannon?” Captain Toad asked, gazing at the weapon.

“Mario’s got it!”

Mario rushed forward and grabbed the cannon, pulling on it as hard as he could with all of his available strength and his limited stamina. It didn’t budge.

Mario let go and shrugged. “Well, I’ve done all I can do.”

Captain Toad glanced at Mario, and then back at the cannon. “Mario… try ground pounding it.”

“Okay!” Mario rushed at the cannon and leapt into the air. Once he was over the cannon, he did a midair flip and rocketed towards the ground. He slammed into the cannon, initiating a massive explosion.

Once the dust cleared, Luigi rushed over to the newly-created hole. “Mario! Are you alright?”

“Imma okay!” Mario called up. “I think I found the door.”

Captain Toad and Luigi leapt down to join the red-clad plumber below. A wooden door stood before them.

“Huh,” Captain Toad muttered. “This isn’t under the castle…”

“Oh well.” Mario grinned. “We found it!”

Mario rushed forward and swung the door open. On the other side was a hallway.

“...Wut.”

“Ah, so this is just the entrance to the pathway to the door,” Captain Toad noted. “We’ve still got a ways to go.”

Mario groaned.

“Oh, don’t-a worry, Mario!” Luigi said. “Maybe it won’t be so bad!”

“RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!” Luigi shouted as he, Mario, and Captain Toad ran from the massive boulder rolling towards them.

“Oh, I’ve always wanted to encounter this trap!” Captain Toad muttered.

Mario glanced over at him. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked slowly.

The trio quickly dove into a dip in the wall, squeezing as close as they could to the wall as the boulder rolled past.

“Weird,” Captain Toad muttered. “These traps seem hastily constructed. Whoever made these was rushing. Not to mention, this is the first trap designed to keep people like us out. Those bolts from earlier had no effect on us. They were meant for something completely different in genetic makeup. They were trying to keep something specific from getting in.”

“Or getting out,” Luigi muttered, his lip quivering. 

“That is a possibility,” Captain Toad agreed. “Perhaps the door is some sort of seal, trying to keep something powerful from escaping.”

“Oooo, Mario sees something.”

Captain Toad and Luigi looked ahead to see a metal door ahead. It was securely locked with about five different kinds of locks.

“L-Looks like we can’t get in!” Luigi noted, a bit of relief in his voice. “I guess we’re-a going back now.”

“No way!” Captain Toad said. “Trust me, I’ve got just the thing!”

Captain Toad reached into his backpack and took out a glowing golden key.

“Behold!” he said, a grin on his face. “One of the rarest treasures I’ve obtained in my adventures: the Key of Plot Convenience!”

“Oh, wow,” Luigi muttered. He looks at the camera. “It’s-a almost like the writer needed a way to get the door open but didn’t know how.”

“Shut up, Luigi. Now, the KPC–”

“KFC? Where?!”

“KPC, Mario. The KPC, as I like to shorten it to, can open any door safely, regardless of the number of locks or security measures attached to it – but it only works once.”

Captain Toad raised the Key to the door, preparing to unlock it.

[WARNING. UNKNOWN ENERGY INTRUSION. POSSIBLE THREAT TO CONTAINMENT CHAMBER.]

Captain Toad jumped, nearly dropping the Key, as a booming robotic voice echoed through the tunnels.

“Containment?!” Luigi exclaimed. “It is keeping something in!”

[STANDARD DEFENSES EXHAUSTED. PREPARING BACKUP DEFENSE SYSTEM. COLLAPSE IMMINENT.]

“Run!” Captain Toad shouted. The trio quickly rushed back the way they came, soon reaching the hole to the surface as the tunnel collapsed behind them.

“How do we get up?!” Luigi cried.

“I’ve got it!” Captain Toad replied, taking out a grappling hook. He fired it, and it latched onto a nearby rock on the surface. Mario and Luigi grabbed onto Captain Toad as he pulled himself up.

Upon reaching the surface, the trio collapsed as the shaking stopped.

“Yahoo! That was fun!”

“Um… Mario?”

Mario sighed. “What is it, Luigi?”

“The castle…”

Mario looked up. The castle had sunk into the ground. He’d forgotten about the tunnels being underneath the castle itself.

“Oooooo.”

Captain Toad rose. “Welp. Let’s go explain–”

He paused for a moment. His eyes widened in realization.

“The Key! I dropped the Key!”

Deep below ground, a robotic voice buzzed to life as it scanned the tunnels.

[ENERGY SOURCE SUCCESSFULLY CONTAINED. BURIAL CONFIRMED. THREAT NEUTRALIZED. PATH TO CHAMBER DESTROYED. ALL ACCESS POINTS UNAVAILABLE. SECURITY LEVEL: 100%]

With that, the defense system powered down for the final time.

Four years prior, in the same spot where the Key now lay, a carpenter with the name "John" on his nametag undid the final lock on the door.

“Whatever this thing is, it had better be worth it,” he muttered. He opened the door slowly, shielding his eyes from a bright blue light. 

In the center of the chamber on the other side sat a massive blue crystal. John approached it carefully. “What… is this?” he muttered, reaching out towards it.

The second his hand came into contact with the crystal, an energy surged through John. He froze, his eyes going the same blue as the crystal. He didn’t even have time to scream.

[ENERGY SURGE DETECTED IN CONTAINMENT CHAMBER. SECURITY POTENTIALLY COMPROMISED. REACTIVATING DEFENSE MECHANISMS. REPLACING AND UPGRADING LOCKS.]

The door slammed shut, the locks redone far more secure than before, sealing John inside the chamber with the crystal.

Chapter Text

“Why does Mario have-a to go on this trip?”

SMG4 sighed. “Because, Mario, you caused the castle to collapse.”

“Luigi and-a Captain Toad helped!”

“Luigi’s busy working off your damages, and Captain Toad had some assignment from the princess. But Peach specifically wanted you out of the way while they rebuilt the castle.”

“And why do I have to come?”

“To help keep Mario in check.”

Toad groaned. “Aw hell naw! I ain’t–”

“She told me to tell you that she plans to pay you in candy if you do.”

Toad went silent for a moment.

“Well, that changes everything! Where are we going?”

“You and Mario are going to Didney Worl–”

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“–and I am going to a class reunion at Hobowarts. They’re directly across the street from each other. And I’m driving. Understood, Mario?”

“But–”

“You had your license revoked, and Toad is too short.”

“Ugh, fine.”

“Watch your mouth, or you won’t have one,” Toad growled.

SMG4 rolled his eyes. “Toad, you don’t care enough to go through with that threat.”

“Eh, fair enough.”

As the car drove across the road, surrounded by the sandy desert, a bloodcurdling sound rang out of its window. Even the birds flying overheard stopped to wonder what the heck the sound was, and what horrible creature could be making it.

“COUNTRY ROOOOAAAAD! TAKE ME HOOOMME!”

Toad groaned. “Somebody please make him stop.”

“IT’S-A MEEEE, MAAAARIOOOOOO!”

“SMG4, please, for the love of God.”

“OKIE-DOKIE!”

“Oh, thank God.”

“MAMA MIA!”

“No, God! No, God, please no! NO! NO! NOOOOO-”

“HERE WE GOOOO!”

“Just let him get it out of his system, Toad,” SMG4 muttered.

“MAAAAARIOOOOOOOOO!”

“I will kill everyone in this car and then myself.”

“Don’t-a worry, Mario’s done.”

“Oh thank God.”

“Encore time!”

“NOOOOO!”

“How about we listen to something else?” SMG4 suggested, turning on the radio. On the Floor by IceJJFish came on, and SMG4 started humming along.

Mario groaned. “Nooooo! Your music taste sucks ass!”

Mario quickly grabbed the dial and changed it. Chicken Nuggets Song by Nick Dean started playing, and Mario began to dance in his seat, a stupid grin on his face.

“Ugh. Let the master show you.”

Toad reached forward and switched the dial again. This time, a cover of Riding Dirty by none other than Toad himself came on. Mario and SMG4 covered their ears at the horrible screeching sound of Toad’s singing voice projected from the radio. Toad, meanwhile, was jamming out in the back seat. Needless to say, SMG4 quickly changed it again.

This sparked a small war over the dial. The trio continuously flipped between their song choices for what seemed like minutes before Mario turned the dial too far, and the hit song What is Love by Haddaway began to play. All three stopped fighting and, after a moment of pause, began jamming out to the music.

After about ten minutes of listening to What is Love on loop, a sudden sputtering sound interrupted the song, and the car ground to a halt.

“Shoot!” SMG4 muttered. 

“Great,” Toad grumbled. “I’m stuck in the desert with Mario. Fantastic.”

Mario looked out the back window. “Hey, let’s-a ask him for help!”

“Hm?” SMG4 turned around curious. “Who is…?”

The YouTuber squinted, focusing in on the approaching figure. Then, his eyes widened in recognition.

“No… no, it can’t be…”

The figure, dressed in a dirty brown and red robe that obscured his face, save his glowing yellow eyes, glanced up to see the car. His arms and legs appeared to be wrapped in cloth, and he held a pair of katanas in his hands. When he spotted SMG4 in the driver’s seat, he immediately perked up.

“SmG4? Is ThAt YoU?”

“Oh, God.”

“It Is YoU!” the robed figure cried in a voice that sounded identical to the WillFromAfar text-to-speech voice, as he began to dash towards the car. “Oh My GoD i HaVeN’t SeEn YoU sInCe HoBoWaRtS! It Is YoUr OlD pAl BoB bObOwSkI! ArE yOu FiNaLlY gOnNa PuT mE iN oNe Of YoUr ViDeOs?”

“What’s-a that horrible noise?” Mario asked, covering his ears.

“That would be Bob, an annoying little ass who thinks he’s the most perfect man in the world, yet refuses to come out of his cloak,” SMG4 answered, contempt etched onto his face. “He attended Hobowarts for a couple years with us before dropping out. Constantly asked for me to put him in my videos.”

“Or CoUlD yOu At LeAsT gIvE mE a RiDe To HoBoWaRtS? I nEeD tO gEt ThErE fOr ThE cLaSs ReUnIoN!”

SMG4 turned around and started turning the key frantically. “Come on, come on …”

“We CaN wAtCh SoMe AwEsOmE cArToOnS oN tHe WaY!”

Mario smiled. “Heeey, that’s-a pretty goooood!”

“No, you do not want to watch his cartoons, Mario!”

“Why not?”

“AnD bY cArToOnS i MeAn HeNtAi!”

“…Oh.”

Toad sighed. “I’d agree, but I’d have to endure his horrible voice for the rest of the trip.”

The sound of something hitting the back of the car distracted the gang. They turned to see Bob standing on the trunk.

“I cAn ShOw YoU tHe WoRlD,” he sang, “oF aNiMaTeD  pOr–”

Finally, the car engine started up. SMG4 hit the pedal faster than one could say “memes” and sped off.

“AhHhHhHhHhHh!” Bob cried as the car took off, his strange, text-to-speech-like scream making him sound like he was actually saying the letters of said scream.

“He’s-a still hanging on!” Mario shouted.

SMG4 frowned, taking out a pair of shades and putting them on. “This is what they call a pro gamer move.”

He hit the radio, and Deja Vu from Initial D came on. He quickly began doing donuts in the middle of the road just as the song hit its chorus, eventually flinging Bob off.

“WhY cOuLdN’t YoU jUsT lEt Me CaMeO?” he cried as he flew through the air, just before landing in the sand. “BiTcH.”

The gang cheered as they watched Bob land in the sand, turning around just in time to see an approaching telephone pole.

“Swerve!” Toad shouted.

SMG4 quickly turned the wheel, only for the car to turn too fast, sending it careening into the pole anyways. SMG4 groaned as he opened the door. “Everyone alright?”

Mario peeled himself off the window. “This is fine.”

“I’d be better if you hadn’t taken your eyes off the road, idiot,” Toad grumbled.

“Ha Ha! GeT rEkT sCrUbS!” Bob’s grating voice tore through the air. Toad winced at the sound of it. “ThAt’S wHaT yOu GeT fOr IgNoRiNg Me LoL. NoW yOu CaN bE a WaNdErInG nOmAd ToO. ThOuGh YoU’lL nEvEr Be As SeXy A nOmAd As Me.”

Toad groaned. “Well… the hell do we do now? We don’t have service out here.”

Then, a car pulled up beside them. The window rolled down to reveal X in the driver’s seat.

“Need a ride?”

“YeS!”

“Not you.”

“DaMmIt.”

“Thanks for the ride, X,” SMG4 said thankfully. “You’re a lifesaver – in more ways than one. I wouldn’t have lasted another minute trapped out there with Bob.”

“I don’t blame you,” X agreed. “Gotta say, though, FM trying to get back at him is always fun.”

FM, meanwhile, had his head stuck out the back window, glaring back in Bob’s direction as he faded to the horizon.

“Who’s the lonely bitch now, Bob? Huh?! HUH?!”

“Hey,” SMG4 said, recounting the people in the car. “Where’s MCG?”

“Didn’t want to come,” FM replied as he closed the window. “Something about a new game or something. He is gonna miss out.”

“Didney Worl is just ahead,” X noted. “We’ll drop Mario and Toad off, and then we’re off to Hobowarts.”

“WOOOOOOOO!” Mario cheered.

Toad merely smiled and wanted to die.

Chapter Text

“We’re finally here!” FM cried as X pulled into a parking space. “I can’t wait to see everyone again! MM! RM! Why do so many of our names end in M?”

“Calm down, FM,” X said as he cut the engine. “We don’t need you shouting or bouncing when we go in.”

“I will shout and bounce if I want to shout and bounce!”

“I swear to Miyamoto, FM, if you break anything…”

“I won’t.”

“You said that at the school dance.”

“I mean it this time!”

“You said that at the second school dance.”

“Please don’t remind me of that one.”

“Hey, we going in or not?” SMG4 asked.

“Right, right.”

The trio walked up to the school’s door. SMG4 opened it… only to be greeted by a familiar pair of yellow eyes.

“HeLlO tHeRe.”

FM screamed and jumped a literal twelve feet back.

“Bob?” SMG4 said in surprise. “Um… how’d you get here before us? We left you back in the desert.”

“I aM oMnIpOtEnT.”

“…Riiight.”

SMG4, X, and FM walked past Bob as the Garo begged to be put in one of SMG4’s videos, basking in the halls of their school once more.

Bob sighed, then turned away. “HeY yOu. ReAdInG tHiS fAnFiCtIoN. Do YoU wAnT tO bE mY fRiEnD?”

“Man…” SMG4 muttered. “This brings back memories…”

Five years ago…

“I’d like to introduce a new member of our media club,” a yellow Mario recolor said, a smile on his face. “This is SMG4. Please treat him nicely. He’s fairly new to this school.”

SMG4 waved meekly. He walked over to an empty seat and sat on his own.

The yellow Mario recolor introduced himself as Starman3, and as he talked, a nearby Mario recolor dressed in red and black leaned over.

“So, SMG4, huh?”

“Erm… yes?”

“Is that even your real–”

“Leave him alone, FM,” a cyan and green recolor muttered. “Sorry about him. He’s a bit big into conspiracies. Watched too much true crime.”

“You’ll never fool me! You’ve been sent to infiltrate us! Just like–”

“FM, just shut up.”

“Fine.” FM sat down in his seat and pouted.

The other recolor turned back to SMG4. “Anyways, the name’s X.”

“X? FM? Are you going to get yourselves in trouble again?”

X groaned. “Starman, you know FM drags me into trouble screaming. I was just introducing myself to Four.”

Starman sighed. “I’ll excuse it, but please don’t talk while I’m talking again. I’m this club’s teacher for a reason.”

“Of course, Starman.”

FM muttered something under his breath about an egomaniac, but evidently, Starman either didn’t hear it or he ignored it.

“Anyways, you wanna hang out later?” X whispered.

SMG4 smiled. Maybe he would like it here, after all.

Present day…

“Guys!”

A group of Mario recolors, including Kaijak18 (grey with turquoise overalls with yellow gloves), Ruffman8890 (yellow with white overalls), GageDawg (blue with yellow overalls), AustinDawgyDawg (green), Crimsonman5 (white with yellow overalls), Fawn (a girl dressed in pink), Pinkolol16 (a girl dressed in pink and blue), and Onyxking67 (yellow with cyan overalls), turned to see SMG4, X, and FM approaching.

“Yo!” Kaijak said cheerfully, welcoming his old friends. “It’s been forever!”

“No kidding,” Ruffman (RM for short) added. “Where you been for the last couple months? You haven’t talked to us at all!”

“Bit busy,” SMG4 replied, chuckling nervously. “A lot has happened. Okay, not a lot a lot, but some pretty weird stuff has happened.”

“I’ll say. I mean, we met again, didn’t we, SMG4?”

At the familiar voice, SMG4 turned to see none other than his blue and black doppelgänger standing there, a 3 on his hat and a shit-eating grin on his face.

Four and a half years ago…

“Alright, guys,” MarioMario54321 (MM for short), the club’s new president following Starman’s… ahem, departure, said, speaking loud enough that everyone could hear. “We’ve got a new club member. Be nice, everyone.”

In stepped another Mario recolor, this one dressed in a blue hat and black overalls. He smiled. “Um, hi. I’m... James. Yeah. Call me James.”

Present day…

“SMG3.”

“Woah, man, what’s with the hostility?” GD asked.

“SMG3 here tried to steal my content,” SMG4 growled.

SMG3 balked mockingly. “What, me? I would never.”

SMG4 balled his hands into fists.

“Besides, even if I did, you would have deserved it.”

“Oh, sure,” SMG4 muttered. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“I will. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must meet with the rest of the psychology graduates.”

SMG3 walked off, leaving SMG4 fuming.

“Jeez,” Fawn muttered. “I know that they weren’t fond of each other, but how’d it get that bad between them?”

“Dunno,” FM replied with a shrug. “3 kinda just… showed up, all angry at 4. He stole SMG4’s content, who in turn threw his laptop off a roof–”

“A bit harsh.”

“Shut up, Onyxking, you would have done the same thing.”

“Fair.”

“So…” X interjected, hoping to stop any potential arguments. “What have you guys been up to? How are your careers going?”

“Oh, it’s going great!” Crimson replied. “I’m a reporter now!”

“A… reporter?”

“For Mushroom Kingdom News! So you’ll be seeing me anytime there’s some sort of breaking news over there.”

“I guess I’m just pursuing my YouTube content,” Kaijak said. ADD, GD, Pink, and Fawn nodded in agreement.

“That, and I’m doing a bit of exploration stuff,” RM noted. “Checking out some new places. There’s this one place I really want to go soon. It’s like this massive crevice just outside the Mushroom–”

“Do not go in there!” SMG4 shouted. “Just… trust me. There’s something down there that caused me and a friend a lot of trouble a while back.”

“…Okay?”

“I’ve mostly been hanging out with a friend in Inkopolis,” Onyxking said.

“And… you’re welcome there?” FM asked skeptically. 

“Eh, not really. Zelus is cool about it, unlike most Inklings. She’s great like that. But the rest of the city is starting to come around to accepting humans and their likes.”

“Like they’ve been coming around to Octolings?”

“Yeah! I mean, the last Splatfest had the first Octoling team in history! They were good, too. Gave Wren a run for their money in the semifinals.”

“The Octoposse, right? Yeah, they were good.”

“That reminds me,” SMG4 interjected, a grin on his face. “Onyxking, do you remember when you thought all Inklings were perpetually fourteen years old?”

Onyxking facepalmed, letting out a groan. “Oh, God, don’t remind me. Zelus set my facts straight on that one.”

As the group continued to banter, X glanced over at SMG3. Even among the other psychology kids, he stood off to the side, away from the group. A part of him couldn’t help but feel sorry for the doppelgänger. His mind flashed back to the first time 4 and 3 had interacted…

Four and a half years ago…

“So, James, huh?”

“Uhhh… yes?”

“Is that even your real–”

“FM…”

“Sheesh, 4, I’m joking. It’s a callback.”

“No, it’s a gag. You did this when Onyxking joined last month. And when Fawn and Pink joined before that.”

“Also maybe foreshadowing.”

“What?”

“What?”

“What’s with your names?” James asked. “Erm… uh, no offense, of course.”

“Of course not,” X said. “It’s just a trend FM started. We use our online handles, or at least their abbreviations, in this club. For example, my name is Aaron, and I used to go by Xboxfan997. Now I use Nintendofan997, but I still use X because that’s how everyone knows me. FM here is FightingMario54321, but no one knows his real name because he refuses to share it.”

“Undercover work is never done…”

“So what’s yours?” X asked.

James blinked. “Oh. Um. I… I guess call me SMG3. Short for… SuperMarioGlitchy3.”

Everyone in the conversation went silent.

“…Did I say something wrong…?”

“Yes, you did!” SMG4 growled. “That’s just a blatant rip-off of my name!”

“Oh? Then what’s your name?”

“SMG4!”

“Never heard of it.”

“Short for SuperMarioGlitchy4!”

“Nope.”

“Y’know? The Cake is a Lie?”

“Not ringing a bell.”

“Sure it isn’t. I bet you just copied my name!”

“Pretty sure four comes after three, genius.”

“What does that have to do with anything?!”

X sighed. “Oh, great.”

“James! SMG4! What do you two think you’re doing?!”

The two froze and turned to see MM glaring at them.

“It’s not me, it’s this blatant rip-off!” SMG4 growled.

“Oh, yes, just go ahead and blame me for doing absolutely nothing, why don’t you?” SMG3 snarled back. “What a great first impression you’re making. Absolutely stellar.”

“Shut up, James.”

“They said we’re supposed to use our handles here, so it’s SMG3 to you.”

The two scowled at each other for what seemed like an eternity. X sighed.

“Oh, brother…”

Present day…

“SMG4!”

The YouTuber turned to see Toad running in, followed closely by Mario.

“Toad? Mario? What’s–”

“We’ve gotta get out of here! Start the car!”

“But–”

“I said get in the fucking car!”

“What’s going–”

Suddenly, the wall exploded. In the hole stood Mickey Mouse himself.

SMG4 glared at Toad. “What the hell did you do?”

“More like, what didn’t he do,” Toad corrected, pointing at Mario.

“I’ve committed several war crimes!” Mario said cheerfully.

Mickey laid his eyes on the group, then pulled out a crowbar.

“You’re gettin’ seven across the ass, ha-ha!”

“OH GAWD!”

At the sound of screaming, SMG3 turned to see Mickey Mouse chasing Mario, SMG4, and Toad around the gym, firing a rocket launcher as students panicked.

Seeing SMG4 in distress like this, SMG3 chuckled. He knew that he would be fine. Clearly, he wasn’t the target. If SMG4 had been in danger, he would intervene.

Average people would think that this indicated some secret admiration SMG4 hidden with SMG3. That may have been true once upon a time, but not anymore. No, he didn’t want SMG4 to die. He wanted him to pay. He wanted SMG4 to see him rise high, higher than even SMG4 himself. He wanted to show his rival that his ego would get him nowhere.

As he thought about his revenge, SMG3’s mind flashed back…

Four years ago…

“Good job, 3,” MM said, applauding as SMG3’s video project finished playing. “There are some things you could improve, but I can tell you put a lot of effort and heart into this.”

SMG3 smiled and went back to his seat. He caught a glimpse of SMG4, shooting him an evil eye.

“Now, SMG4?”

SMG4 rose, casting a smug yet hateful look back at SMG3 as he moved to the front of the classroom.

His video was really good. SMG3 could tell it was better than his own. The contest would go to SMG4, but that didn’t bother him too much. Sure, he was a bit upset that this petty, egotistical man won, but what was he going to do about it? He was just better.

What upset SMG3 was that it worked off of the same ideas his own did, but did them better. This happened often – he and SMG4 had similar ideas and different levels of execution. And he respected that. 

The problem lay in what came next.

“The winner is… SMG4!”

Nobody was surprised. He was a prodigy when it came to animation. SMG3 was equally as good, but he focused more on serious stories, even if he had some trouble fully developing the stories. 

SMG4, meanwhile, focused on comedy, which got more of a laugh out of the others. The problem lay in the fact that, at times, his videos clashed with each other, and his earlier ones made no sense whatsoever to SMG3. He occasionally had offensive jokes, which SMG3 personally wasn’t fond of, but it got a laugh out of the others, so what did he know?

Even so, SMG3 knew that they were good for the most part. Both of their videos were fun, yet flawed. Both were enjoyable for different groups of people.

The club was soon dismissed. SMG3 was on his way to the door when it finally happened, and he was pulled aside by his doppelgänger. SMG3 wasn’t even surprised at this point – this happened almost every time they did a project.

“Yes, Four?”

“Don’t “Four” me, James,” SMG4 hissed. “I know what you did. You used the same plotline as me for your stupid videos.”

“So? We had the same–”

“This is the fifth time!” SMG4 shouted. After a moment, he sighed. “It happens too much to be a coincidence. You’re good with coding and tech stuff, I know you are. You got ahold of my notes and used my stuff for your garbage videos.”

“…Are you insane?”

“No, I’m observant.” SMG4 backed up. “Just give it up, James. You’ll never beat me.”

“I’m not–”

“Your content is not good.”

SMG3 stopped.

“Nobody gives a shit about your “character-focused” videos,” SMG4 hissed. “They’re boring, bland, and are stuck focusing around some dumb story you’ve come up with. You can’t even keep them straight. One video, they’re stupid and cracking jokes. Then the next, they’re serious and annoyed by jokes.”

“That is tone of the moment and character development! You–”

“Nobody will care about your useless characters. You need to make them laugh. You need to entertain them. If you don’t... they’ll disappear. Anyone you ever attract the attention of will abandon you. And serious stories… they don’t cut it, James. Either do something different or just give up.”

SMG4 stormed off, leaving SMG3 alone in the hallway. After about a full minute of standing there alone, SMG3 sat down. He sat in silence, alone, thinking. He'd known this was coming. Sure, SMG4 was a bit harsher than usual, but he should be used to this by now.

So why did it hurt so much?

Extra: Kaijak18, for anyone wondering what he looks like

Chapter Text

“Stop him!”

A tall, lanky man wearing a purple shirt and cap and dark blue overalls ran out of the store, money from the cash register in hand. Upside-down yellow Ls were printed on his hat and gloves.

“Wah-ha-ha-ha!” the man laughed, busting a small dance move – which provided nearby security the time to get the jump on him.

“You’re under arrest – again,” one of them growled.  “You’re going to get it this time.”

The man grumbled something under his breath.

The man now sat in the mayor’s chambers. The mayor sighed.

“Waluigi, you know why you’re here, don’t you?”

“Wah.”

Waluigi was a native of the Wah Kingdom, a solidarity kingdom across the ocean from the Mushroom Kingdom. It was a small yet friendly society, filled with kind people – save, of course, Waluigi.

“Of course you do. Don’t try to deny it.”

“Wah.”

The mayor sighed. “Waluigi, I’ve had it with you. Your acts of terrorism–”

“Terrorism?” Waluigi questioned. “Petty theft isn’t-a terrorism!”

“Close enough,” the mayor muttered. “Besides, thievery isn’t your only crime. You’ve committed arson…”

“That was an accident.”

“Breaking and entering…”

“That was-a part of the stealing, and should not be counted separately.”

“First degree… llamacide?”

“That llama knew too much.”

“Anyways,” the mayor said, dragging himself out of his curiosity. “This is one offense too many. Waluigi, as sentence for your countless crimes, you are hereby exiled from the Wah Kingdom.”

Waluigi’s jaw dropped.

“Waht?!”

One week later, in the Mushroom Kingdom, at a garbage dump, a fat man dressed in yellow and purple lazed away on his stolen couch. His TV, plugged into a nearby outdoor electrical socket, was still running. 

The man huffed as he rolled over in his sleep – only to roll right off the couch. He landed on the remote, which switched the TV to Koopa Kingdom News.

“–will be investigated shortly,” Lakitu finished. “In other news, Bowser has commissioned a massive golden statue in his honor. Yes, it is real gold. It will be unveiled in Koopa Square later today, followed by a ceremony to honor the Koopa King’s birthday.”

Now awake, the man’s eyes widened at the mention of a gold statue. The money he could earn by selling that thing…

He quickly pulled out his phone and made a call.

“Hey, Ashley. So, could you–”

“No.”

Ashley hung up. Wario groaned.

“Fine. I’ll do it myself.”

That afternoon, Wario found himself sneaking around Koopa Kingdom, to nobody’s surprise. On his way in, he’d jumped a Koopa Troopa and stolen his shell to act as a disguise. Now, he stood in the square, a massive object before him covered in a white sheet. A golden gleam shining from the exposed feet of the statue indicated that this is what Wario was looking for.

Wario attempted to lift the statue off of the pedestal, but failed. He tried again, managing to get it to budge – only for it to go too far, toppling over and breaking the head off. The loud crash resounded across the square.

“Oh no.”

Wario grabbed the head and made a break for it. Just after he left, Bowser descended in his Clown Car.

“Who dares!” he growled.

Kamek appeared next to him. “Security shows that this one is responsible.” He conjured an image of Wario running away with the head.

Bowser growled, turning as a smaller Clown Car, piloted by his son, descended. “Junior, go get your father’s statue back.”

“Gotcha, Papa!” Junior cackled, leading an army of Koopa Troopa and Goombas away.

Waluigi sighed as his boat floated across the sea. He’d been out here for a week, and he was beginning to run out of food. Of course, he wasn’t lonely – he’d been alone ever since his brother had died when they were children. He was used to it.

Then, the tall, purple-clad man saw something in the distance. A closer look revealed it to be a landmass – the Mushroom Kingdom. Ecstatic to make landfall, Waluigi began paddling his way frantically towards a nearby river, which he knew would inevitably lead to some sort of coast.

Wario ran for his life as Bowser Jr. and his forces pursued the thief, the golden head of the Bowser statue clutched tightly in his hands. Junior’s Clown Car opened its mouth, and a rocket fired out, hitting the ground behind Wario and sending both him and the head tumbling off a cliffside towards a river below.

As Waluigi rounded a corner, something bright and heavy landed in the boat. It gleamed golden in the sunlight, and almost looked like a head. The purple-clad man could immediately tell that it was valuable. His vision tunneled in on it.

Then a fat man fell from the sky.

Wario landed directly on the other side of the head. He rose, grumbling, only to see Waluigi sitting on the other side. After a moment of silence, both grabbed the head and began tugging on it.

“It’s-a mine!” Wario growled. “I stole it fair and square!”

“No!” Waluigi argued. “Finders keepers!”

“That belongs to Papa, not you two thieves!”

The two froze and looked up to see another rocket flying towards them. They screamed in fear, hugging the statue as the rocket collided with the both. The resulting explosion sent them flying up to the other side of the cliff and into the woods.

“Find them!” Junior ordered. His forces began to spread out, searching for the pair.

Meanwhile, Waluigi rose, recovering from the explosion. He glanced up to see Wario and the head. Waluigi quickly rushed to the head, latching onto it. Wario saw this and hopped to his feet.

“Who d’you think you are, buster?” Wario growled.

“Me? You’re the one who fell outta the sky and tried to steal my find!”

“No!” Wario snarled. “That treasure is property of Wario!”

Waluigi paused. “Wario…?”

Wario noticed the hesitation and quickly took advantage. He decked Waluigi in the face, grabbed the head, and made a run for it. After recovering, Waluigi pursued. However, the name Wario rang through his head. Where had he heard that name before…?

Wario leapt into a car and quickly hotwired it, driving off with the head in the passenger’s seat. As he drove, he passed by a couple of strange-looking people – both very small, one yellow with a circular head and the other blue with a square head. Segments of their bodies almost looked like untextured assets from a video game. The yellow one shouted something about their “lord and savior Four”.

“Fuckin’ weirdos,” Wario muttered. He checked his mirror, seeing that Bowser Jr. was nowhere in sight. He chuckled in victory, only for something to slam into the windshield – or rather, some one.

“Hello!”

Wario screamed as he swerved in an attempt to fling Waluigi off of the car, only to drive it to a cliffside. He hit the brakes before the car went completely over, but in the process, flung himself and the golden Bowser head our the windshield. Luckily for the greedy man, Waluigi caught him.

“Hey!” Waluigi called. “Pass the gold up to me so I can drop you!”

“No!” Wario shouted back. “It’s-a mine! Imma not losing it!”

Wario’s words rang familiar to Waluigi.

“Wait…”

The lanky man’s mind flashed back to that fateful day…

In the Wah Kingdom, a young Waluigi of about six years old was searching for his brother.

“Brother? Brother?!”

As Waluigi rounded the corner, he saw his brother, Wario, standing at the edge of a cliff. Wario turned, a garlic-flavored ice cream cone in hand.

“Can I have some?” Waluigi asked.

“No! It’s-a mine!”

“C’mon, brother, share!”

“No!”

The two began to fight over the cone, but during the scuffle, it ended up being knocked out of Wario’s hand. The cone fell off the cliffside and towards the ocean. Wario, alarmed, quickly dived for it, managing to grab it, but almost falling off himself. He was only saved by Waluigi.

“Wario… let… go!”

“No! Imma not losing it!”

Waluigi’s hand slipped, and Wario plummeted towards the ocean below. Waluigi watched as he fell out of sight. Unknown to the younger brother, Wario had ended up landing on the Mushroom Kingdom’s royal barge, on its way back from the treaty with the Wah Kingdom. Waluigi spent the rest of his life in the Wah Kingdom believing he had been responsible for Wario’s death.

Waluigi gazed down at Wario as everything clicked into place.

“Brother?!”

Waluigi began tugging with all his might. He felt Wario begin to slip.

Not again.

Waluigi was surrounded by a strange purple glow, his eyes glowing as well. With one swift move, he pulled Wario and the head free of danger, just as the ground under the car collapsed, sending it tumbling into the ocean.

Wario found himself being helped to his feet by Waluigi.

“Wario? Brother, is it really you?”

Wario blinked, then closely looked over the other man. “Wait... Waluigi?”

“It is you!”

“Oh, nice family reunion. Now, if you’ll give Papa’s statue back…”

The reunited brothers glanced up to see Bowser Jr. hovering over them. Wario glanced at Waluigi, an idea forming. He quickly grabbed his brother, stiffened him with a chop to the neck, and held him over his shoulder.

“WALUIGI LAUNCHER™!”

“WARIO, WHAT THE F–”

Wario fired, sending Waluigi crashing into Junior. The Koopa prince was sent tumbling into the river below, and Waluigi stumbled back over to Wario, recovering. The two brothers high-fived and walked off, the golden Bowser head in hand, looking forward to their future of fame and riches.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S FOOL’S GOLD?!”

Chapter Text

“First we lose the Power Stars to Mario. Then that useless mercenary is stopped by ol’ scaredy-cap! And then my troops get their asses handed to them by a couple of petty thieves?! What has the Koopa Kingdom come to?!”

“If I may…”

Bowser growled. “Kamek, I am not in a good mood.”

“Yes, Your Majesty, but I may have an idea.”

“Oh? Do tell.”

Kamek cleared his throat. “Sire, one factor has been in common between… well, two of those scenarios: Mario. He thwarted your attempt to seize the Power Stars and the hand of Peach, and he fought back against that Z person’s control. However, what if we put him in a situation where he is helpless?”

“Excellent idea, Kamek,” Bowser replied. A grin spread across his face. “And I know just how to dispose of him.”

Bowser pulled out his comically big cell phone and dialed up a number. After a moment, the call was picked up.

“Y’ello? ”

“Heya. It’s Bowser. You owe me, remember?”

“Ah, yes. That. What do you need? ”

“I need you to get rid of Mario. Not kill him, but dispose of him in a way where he cannot interfere with my plans. And where he cannot free himself. He may be an idiot, but he’s a slippery one.”

“Mhm. Lucky for you, I have a prototype I’ve been working on that fits the bill. I was just hoping to do a field test, so this works out in everyone’s favor…”

Luigi yawned as he awoke the following morning. He rubbed his eyes, blinking a few times to adjust to the sunlight pouring in through the window.

“Mario, it’s-a time to get up!”

No response.

Luigi sighed and began climbing the ladder to Mario’s bunk. “Mario, it’s almost nine, and I can’t leave you here alone after what happened last wee–”

Luigi froze. Mario wasn’t in his bed. Mario was never awake on his own at this time.

“M-Mario?”

“Mario’s out of the way, Bowser.”

“Excellent,” the Koopa King replied, a grin spreading across his face. “Keep him there until Peach and the Mushroom Kingdom are mine, and then all debts will be cleared.”

“Got it. Just be sure to stick to your promises.”

“Are you actually going to keep your promise to him, my Lord?” Kamek asked as Bowser hung up.

Bowser chuckled. “Of course, Kamek. I’m not some stereotypically evil guy or anything. When I give my word, I stick to it. Now, rally the troops! We attack immediately!”

“At once, Lord Bowser!”

Bowser watched as Kamek departed. He smiled. His revenge was at hand…

Mario awoke in a dark place. He wasn’t sure quite where he was, but wherever it was, it stank.

“Where am I?” Mario called out. “Is anyone there?”

“Greetings, Mario.”

A man in green overalls and a purple shirt and hat emerged. Mario groaned.

“Why do all the bad guys gotta look like-a Mario?”

“My name is Bot,” the man continued, ignoring Mario’s whines. “Bowser had me take you to this pocket dimension with my experimental dimensional transporter. While you are stuck here, he will be able to conquer the Mushroom Kingdom for himself, and I’ll no longer be in his debt. Enjoy your time here, plumber.”

“So we’re-a stuck here ‘til then?”

“Yep.”

“…Do you have anything to do?”

“Well, I suppose I have poker.”

“OOOOOOOOOO.”

“Yo, Kai, you seen Mario anywhere?”

“Nope,” Kaijak replied. “Why, 4?”

“I need his help with a video,” SMG4 replied. “Normally he’d be barrelling his way in by now.”

A resounding boom indicated the castle doors being swung open.

“Nevermind.”

The two went to the lobby, only to find a scared Luigi.

“SMG4! Um… other guy!”

“Kaijak. Just call me Kai.”

“It’s horrible!”

Toad looked up, a wide smile on his face. “Mario died?!”

“No.”

“Dammit.”

“At least, I don’t think so.”

“There’s still hope…”

“He was gone when I woke up! Is he here?”

“Um… no?” SMG4 replied. “I was actually hoping that he was the one coming in.”

“Oh no…”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll find him!” Kaijak said cheerfully. “I’ll call FM up to give us some professional help.”

“Kaijak, I’m not sure he counts as professional…”

“One: by all technicalities, he is a professional. Two: do you have any better ideas?”

“I… um…”

“Thought so.”

With that, Kaijak pulled out his phone.

Wario groaned as he and Waluigi made their way back home. It had been an exhausting day. The two had stumbled upon a treasure map, and after a few close encounters with Donkey Kong, finally reached the treasure – only for Kong to show up, drive them off, and take the treasure for himself.

“Urgh… when we get back, I’m just gonna crash,” he muttered.

“Hey, you weren’t the one used as a rocket launcher!” Waluigi argued. “... Again!”

“Waluigi Launcher™,” Wario growled. “And watch yer tone, Wal–”

A shadow fell over the brothers. They glanced up to see a fleet of Koopa Kingdom airships flying towards the castle.

“...Let’s get going.”

“Yeah.”

“This is gonna be so fun!”

X groaned. “FM, please calm down.”

“Mario is missing! He’s probably been kidnapped, which means I get to arrest someone finally! Imma use my taser! And maybe my new explosives!”

“Your what?!”

“And… why is X coming?” Kaijak wondered.

X sighed. “To keep an eye on my best friend here. He’s normally not so insufferable – it’s only when he goes into police mode. Then again, it’s kinda funny to watch when he actually sees someone doing something illegal.”

“You cannot escape the jaws of justice!”

“Does he always-a do this?” Luigi asked.

“Yes,” Kaijak replied.

“Definitely,” X muttered.

“Absolutely!” FM exclaimed with glee.

“Anyways,” SMG4 interrupted, “we need to find Mario soon. I have a feeling that his kidnapping could’ve been from that fat turtle he hates.”

“Bowser?”

“Yeah, him.”

It was then that Luigi’s phone rang. Luigi answered it quickly.

“Hello?”

“Luigi, my boy, it’s astounding! ” An elderly voice came out of the phone. “According to my readings, some sort of rift – possibly trans-dimensional – appeared within your home last night! Did you get a look? ”

Luigi sighed. “No, Professor Gadd, I–”

The plumber paused, his mind racing.

“Professor, could it have been possible for someone to have gone through?”

“Theoretically, yes. It was open for long enough for a person to have walked through. It opened at about 8:50 this morning.”

Luigi glanced back at the others. “Could you meet us at my house?”

“Certainly! ”

Princess Peach smiled as she adjusted her crown. She looked into the mirror, smiling as she took in her image. She looked excellent.

[WARNING! APPROACHING HOSTILES!]

Peach paused at the sound of the castle security system’s voice.

“HAL? What’s going on?”

“PRINCESS PEACH!”

The sound of the familiar roar gave the princess pause. She hadn’t heard that terrible voice for years . She stepped out onto the balcony outside her room and looked up in horror.

The Koopa fleet hovered above the castle yard. Their flagship, the S.S. Koopa, was at the fore, with Bowser standing at the bow, a grin on his face.

“I think it’s time to surrender the Mushroom Kingdom – and yourself – to me. And this time, there’re no pesky plumbers to keep you safe.”

“Mario is missing?” Professor E. Gadd muttered. “Hm. Sounds like the name of an educational game.”

“What the hell? Mario’s disappeared and that’s what you focus on?!” SMG4 called out. “Also, how?”

“Apologies. And my idea for it was–”

“Do you know if you can determine where the rift opened up?” Luigi interjected.

“Of course, my boy,” E. Gadd said with a smile, turning to his equipment set up outside the Mario brothers’ home. “In fact, I already have. It opened up in your bedroom.”

“Huh. Guess we go there, then,” SMG4 said.

“Princess!”

Peach sighed as Captain Toad ran up to her. “What is it, Captain? I know we’re losing. I know we don’t have the spare firepower to turn this around. Could you at least get ahold of Mario?”

“That’s what I’m here about,” Captain Toad replied. “Apparently Mario’s gone missing, but Luigi and a group of others are working to find him. They say they’re close.”

“Why should we worry about him?!” Toad complained. “He’s an idiot now. An unlikable one at that.”

“Mario may be… different, now,” Peach muttered. “But even so, he is our best and last hope. Now, I will prepare the Star Shield.”

Peach walked off as Captain Toad rushed back towards the frontlines, leaving Toad alone in Peach’s quarters to watch the battle below.

“Mario, you gotta stop.”

“No! It’s all or-a nothing!”

“You idiot, you are thousands of coins in debt to me. How the actual hell did you beat Bowser?”

“I don’t know.”

Bot sighed. “Ugh, I’m going to check in with Bowser. And get a lemon. I need something sour. And don’t worry, you’re not going anywhere.”

“You can’t-a stop me!”

“The chain on your foot says otherwise.”

“…shet.”

Bot pulled out his dimensional transporter and activated it, opening a portal back to Mario’s bedroom… where Luigi, SMG4, Kaijak, X, FM, and E. Gadd stood. They stared at each other for a few moments.

“Oh, shit.”

Luigi took one look through the portal and saw Mario. He immediately rushed forward and leapt through, decking Bot in the face. The others followed through as Bot hit the ground, dropping the device. Before the kidnapper could get up, FM used a blowtorch he had and melted the chain. X, naturally, did not know he had one and feared for everyone’s lives the second it came out.

“YOU HAVE A BLOWTORCH?!”

“Yes, and?”

“Thank-a you!” Mario said cheerfully.

“Get the device!” Kaijak shouted.

SMG4 dived at the device, managing to snatch it up just as Bot made a move for it.

“No!” the purple and green Mario recolor cried, grabbing SMG4’s foot. The YouTuber tripped, tumbling into the rest of the group and falling into the brothers’ bedroom, breaking the remote in the landing. Luigi delivered one last kick to Bot’s face and leapt through just as the portal closed, leaving Bot trapped in the pocket dimension – alone.

Bot stopped, gazing at the spot where the portal had been just moments before.

“Well, damn. Now my debts will never be cleared, all because I wanted to get a lemon. Now I gotta find a way out and get back.”

An idea suddenly came to him. A wide grin spread across his face.

“Combustible lemons! The ultimate revenge! I’ll burn their house down and they’ll never know it was me!… once I get out of here, of course. Which… may be never. Hm.”

“Y’know, Princess, being able to finally take over the Mushroom Kingdom is a treat ’n’ all,” Bowser gloated as his warships assaulted the castle. “But my real prize is you. When we first met, you were so nice to me when nobody else was. I came to want you. And as my father always said: “if you want something, take it with brute force. Anything else means you’re an utter failure to the Koopa royal name, the Koopa species, and the entire kingdom we rule.” So, forgive me if this is a bit rude, but it’s what’s necessary.”

“Could anything you say get any creepier?” the princess muttered as she did her best to maintain the Star Power shield. She could tell it was beginning to fail.

As Bowser gazed down on the castle, he heard a voice from behind them.

“O-ho, hello!”

The Koopa King froze at the annoyingly familiar voice. He turned around to see Mario and Luigi standing there, a confident grin on Mario’s face and a less confident, more stern look on Luigi’s.

“NO!” Bowser growled. “You were supposed to stay trapped, dammit!”

“No pocket dimension in-a the universe can stop-a me!”

“It’s-a over, Bowser,” Luigi said sternly. “S-Stand down and we won’t hurt you.”

Bowser chuckled. “You? Hurt me?”

“We’ve-a done it before.”

“Ha! You’ll never–”

“You are going to fly for me.”

“What?”

Mario rushed forward, leapt over Bowser, and grabbed him by the tail. Junior saw this and made a dive for the plumber, but Luigi stepped in, creating a wall of green fire to prevent Bowser’s son from reaching the two combatants.

Mario quickly swung Bowser around as fast as he could.

“So long, gay Bowser!”

Mario let go, sending Bowser flying into the sky. Junior scowled at the brothers, then turned to the Koopa Troopa crew.

“Get this fleet turned around! We gotta rescue Papa!”

“Yes, Prince Koopa!”

Mario and Luigi leapt off the S.S. Koopa as it turned and flew after Bowser, followed by the rest of the fleet. The group celebrated below as Mario and Luigi landed.

“It was-a nothing, really,” Luigi said modestly.

“WOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Naturally, Mario disagrees,” SMG4 muttered. “But yeah, good job guys.”

“Say, where’s E. Gadd?” Kaijak wondered.

“Went off with that portal device,” X replied. “He probably wanted to study it.”

“Huh.”

“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!”

The gang turned to see MCG standing there, a few bags in hand.

“I LITERALLY WENT TO BUY SOME MILK!”

SMG4 blinked. “Oh. I thought the writer forgot about you.”

Another Mario recolor popped in, this one wearing an orange shirt and cap and purple overalls, white gloves, and black shoes, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

“Shuuuut uuuuup.”

He disappeared as mysteriously as he appeared.

“…What?”

“No more questions!” Mario shouted, wrapping an arm around MCG’s neck. “It’s-a time to party!”

As the celebrations began, however, the gang were unaware of another man. His skin was remarkably red, matching his red hat and shirt, the former bearing, in place of the "M", the word "Evil". His overalls were black. His piercing blue eyes gazed down at the group.

“Pfft. Bowser coulda done better. Maybe he needs some help…”

And elsewhere, somewhere strange yet hauntingly familiar to the eye of anyone living in the Mushroom Kingdom, stood a ruined castle. The stained window, depicting the castle’s owner, was shattered. Rotting corpses roamed the land.

Within the castle, a Mario recolor sat on the damaged throne. He wore entirely black, with red gloves and shoes. His hat was adorned with a “E”. A laptop sat in his lap.

As he watched, a signal flared up – about forty years prior in the timeline. Five years before… everything. Before the event that had, across thirty-five years, led to his reign of terror.

Regardless, someone was using some sort of space/time travel. And where that was, his old foe, who had escaped the year prior, was sure to be present.

He rose, setting the laptop aside, and smiled.

“Looks like you really couldn’t hide forever, could you, old buddy?”

Chapter Text

SMG4 sighed as he left the store, a bag in hand. He hated having to do this.

Generally, in the month since Bowser’s last attack, the castle had been at peace. However, earlier that very day, Mario had discovered that his worst fear had come true: the castle was out of spaghetti. He’d gone on a rampage, only calming down when SMG4 promised to go out and get him some more spaghetti. Honestly, Mario was like a child sometimes.

As SMG4 put the stuff in the car, he heard a rattle come from a nearby alley. He peeked in, nervousness rising.

“H-Hello?”

The noise sounded again, coming from a dumpster at the end of the alley. He snuck over and reached for the lid.

Then a man popped out, startling SMG4.

He was identical to Mario physically, his color scheme the inverse to SMG4’s own – blue overalls with white shirt and cap, and a blue “4” on his hat. His hair, like SMG4’s, was black. And when he spoke, he used the exact same accent SMG4 had.

“‘Ello!”

SMG4, like any sane man, turned and ran for his car. He drove all the way back to the castle.

“Phew,” he muttered. “No hobos, thank you very much.”

“Oooh, nice car.”

SMG4 froze and turned to see the man sitting in the car’s backseat. He quickly leapt out of the car, abandoning the spaghetti ingredients within, and ran into the castle.

“Woah, Luke, what’s gotcha running?” MCG asked.

“Guy… after me…” SMG4 panted.

Toad groaned. “I swear, you better not have brought the mafia here again. I’m still finding them hiding out in here after Mario pissed them off last month.”

“No, it’s–”

“Woah, you live here?”

“Eep!”

The recolor, now within the castle, glanced back at SMG4. “Say, I like your colors.”

“Um… thanks?”

“I’m SLG4! Short for SuperLuigiGlitchy4.”

“Oh, God, not another one.”

“What do you mean?”

SMG4 sighed. “I am getting tired of people ripping off my YouTube content. Stop it! Be original for once in your goddamn life!”

“Um… what? That’s my actual name, man.”

“Wait. Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I’m SMG4.”

“Huh. Weird.”

“SuperMarioGlitchy4… SuperLuigiGlitchy4…” Mario muttered. Then, it clicked. “Wait! Are you two married?!”

SMG4 sighed. “We just met a few minutes ago, Mario. Don’t be an idiot.”

“Hey!”

“Maybe they’re brothers or something,” MCG muttered.

The group gazed at him. MCG looked between them.

“What?”

“Well?”

“The results are in,” the doctor said, glancing down at his clipboard. “You are the father!”

SMG4 gawked. “The hell?!”

The doctor then blinked. “Oh, not you, sorry. That was for Toad.”

“Fuck this shit, I’m out,” Toad sang, leaping out the window.

“…he’ll-a be fine.”

“Anyways, the tests came out positive. You are indeed brothers!”

“Huh. I have a brother,” SMG4 muttered. He glanced at SLG4 for a minute. A nervous smile spread across his face. “Hey, so… you wanna go… do something? Maybe?”

“In a minute,” SLG4 said. “I need to take care of something.”

SLG4 quickly stepped into another room. While SMG4 waited, Mario decided to take the liberty of spying on his friend’s brother. He peeked in to see SLG4 talking on a cell phone. The camera in the room, linked to castle security system HAL, was down.

“Yes, I’m in,” SLG4 muttered. “You are impatient, you know that?”

Mario quickly bolted over to SMG4.

“SMG4! That other guy is evil!”

SMG4 blinked. “Um… what makes you say that?”

“He was talking on the phone ominously!”

“Mario, you think pianos are scary.”

“Mario had a bad experience, okay?!”

SMG4 sighed. “Look, Mario, I know it’s gonna take some getting used to, but you need to warm up to SLG4. He’s probably gonna be staying here with us.”

It was then that SLG4 walked in. “Hey, SMG4. You ready?”

“Hell yeah!” SMG4 said with a smile. He turned back to Mario. “Just… lay off him, okay? He’s apparently my family and I want to spend time with him… even though I have no idea how to do that… eh, I’ll figure it out.”

SMG4 and SLG4 walked off, but Mario continued watching, squinting suspiciously at the latter.

“Mario’s got a bad feeling about this…”

“Like SMG4 said, ease up,” MCG said. “Sure, it’s good to be cautious, but don’t jump to conclusions or anything.”

“But why does he have a cell phone and no house!”

“Cell phones are cheaper.”

“…True dat.”

“That was a solid movie,” SLG4 said, walking out of the theater. “The animation was unique, but charming in its own way.”

“I know, right?” SMG4 replied. “But people keep shitting on it because it’s “not fully animated ”! A show or movie doesn’t need to be fully animated to be enjoyable!”

“I really liked the characters and the story. Mera was such a tragic villain. I actually felt bad for her.”

“Eh, I’m more of a sucker for the comedy,” SMG4 said. “That’s my thing.”

“Lemme guess: Giovanni?”

“Yes.”

SLG4 smiled. “So what now?”

“Imma go use the terlet,” SMG4 said. “Wait here!”

As SMG4 left, SLG4 smiled. He’d actually had quite a bit of fun with him, weirdly enough. Especially considering…

His phone rang.

…that.

He picked up. “Y’ello?”

An unfamiliar voice responded. “Heya, bud. How’s it going? You got their trust? ”

SLG4 hesitated. “He’s… he’s bought it.”

“Excellent,” the voice responded. “Keep up the good work. Just maintain the facade for a few more days so I can find what I need.”

After a moment, SLG4 spoke up. “Um… you said this SMG4 guy was, like, a bad person or something.”

“He emotionally abused one of his peers, yes. Why? ”

“He… doesn’t seem like that kinda guy.”

“Oh, no. He was fine to everyone else. That kid was the only person he ever was horrible to. But if it happened once, it can happen again. Besides, you may not want to back out, or you won’t get paid.”

“…Were you that kid?”

“Oh, hell naw. I’m not the best person myself, and I know it. SMG4 thinks that he’s in the right 100% of the time and the person he abused was in the wrong. He’s got too much of an ego to be wrong. Just do your job, and you get paid. Simple.”

“…Right.”

SLG4 ended the call. He reflected for a brief moment, but quickly shook off any doubts as SMG4 returned.

“Ready to go?”

SLG4 nodded. “Yeah. Let’s get back to the castle.”

The two headed off towards the castle, SMG4 none the wiser to SLG4’s true motives.

Chapter Text

Four years ago, shortly after the completion of the castle’s reconstruction…

“Wow,” Luigi muttered as he and Mario looked at the now-rebuilt Mushroom Castle standing before him. “The castle’s looking good as new.”

“Yeah!” Mario did a little dance. “Very sexy!”

“Yes, well, we’ve been having… an issue,” Peach muttered. “With the castle closed the past week, and no guards inside it, there have been…

“WAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“...Robbers.”

The door flew open, and out of the restored castle came Wario, holding a bag of money. 

“Who is he?!” Luigi cried.

Toadsworth sighed. “Wario. He’s tried stealing from the castle many times over the years. Give me a second.”

Toadsworth quickly dialed 911, and within moments, five police cars crashed into the ground. Mario recolors decked out in police uniforms, members of the RMKP, emerged.

“STAHP RIGHT THERE!”

The police officers began chasing Wario down as the robber ran away, screaming.

“We need better security,” Peach muttered, ignoring the sounds of the chaos behind her. “But where can we get the best security…?”

After a moment of thought, Luigi perked up. “I know!” He pulled out his phone and opened his contacts, scrolling to E. Gadd’s page. “Professor E. Gadd! He’s really smart, and he designed that Poltergust of mine!”

“I see.” Peach smiled. “Well, let’s pay the professor a visit, shall we?”

Wario screamed as he flew through the air, engulfed in flames courtesy of an officer’s rocket launcher.

Three years ago…

“I have gathered you here today to witness the reveal of my greatest creation yet!” E. Gadd announced. Then, under his breath, he added, “For now…”

E. Gadd stood in one of the second floor rooms of the castle. A giant mirror covered one of the walls. A sheet covered a large object beside him. Sitting before him were Mario, Luigi, Toad, Toadsworth, and Peach.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Toad grumbled. “Just show us the shit.”

E. Gadd frowned at the mushroom man before grabbing the sheet.

“Introducing…”

He pulled it away, revealing a control console with a giant monitor linked to it. 

“HAL 9000!” E. Gadd smiled proudly. “HAL here is the latest advancement in artificial intelligence, created in collaboration with by my best and most gifted student, James Sheridan over in Silica City. Wirelessly linked to dozens of security cameras around the castle, and with access to many newly-implemented security measures and defenses, HAL can ensure that the castle remains safe and secure at all times. I have personally ensured that all of you are registered in its database as well.”

“I see.” Peach rose. “Thank you for this, Professor.”

“Of course, Princess!” E. Gadd held out his hand. “Now, my final payment.”

“Yes. Toadsworth?”

“Of course.” Toadsworth pulled out a bag of coins and handed them over to E. Gadd. The professor smiled as he pocketed it.

“It was a pleasure doing business with you. HAL is already active, so enjoy your new, safer castle!”

With that, E. Gadd took his leave.

“Now that we’re done with that… Luigi, wanna play Smash?”

Luigi smiled. “Sure thing!”

“Hey! I wanna play!”

“Shut up, Toad.”

“It’s alright.” Luigi smiled. “You can play, Toad.”

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”

As everyone left, the single red light at the top of HAL’s monitor blinked on, observing them.

[NO THREATS DETECTED.]

Nine months ago…

“Why didn’t HAL find that SMG3 guy on the roof?” Luigi asked, having heard the story from SMG4 and Mario. “I mean, if he can’t monitor the roof, that seems like bad design.”

SMG4 looked to Luigi in curiosity. “Hal? Who’s that?”

“HAL is the security system E. Gadd designed for the castle after Bowser’s first attack,” Luigi replied. “It should have picked up SMG3’s presence. I’ll need to get E. Gadd to check that.”

“Luigi! Mario wants some spaghetti!”

“Mama mia…” Luigi sighed. “I’ll make some later, Mario. I need to visit E. Gadd first.”

“Yep.” E. Gadd looked at HAL’s monitor, showing the feed of every camera and motion sensors around the castle. “There are no motion sensors on the roof, and the place you say SMG3 was is a blind spot.”

“Well, you need to fix it!” FM said. “That’s a major security risk!”

“You think I don’t know that?” E. Gadd sighed. “I’ll get right to work.”

Eight months ago…

The blind spot was still being worked on when Z attacked. HAL was only able to detect Z after he jumped off the roof. The video, provided by SMG4 and Luigi, was vital in proving Mario’s story true.

“You will pay for this,” Z muttered, staring at SMG4 and Luigi as they looked into the mercenary’s cell.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” SMG4 muttered. “Tell me when you’ve come to collect.”

SMG4 walked off as Luigi stared back at Z, his face stern. Even then, he was shaking, shivering. Z noticed this.

“Oh?” They grinned. “Seems like my attempt on your life left more than just physical damage, hm?”

Luigi narrowed his eyes. “Y-You’re not going to get to me.”

“Am I?” Z chuckled. “It hurt, didn’t it? Seeing your own brother trying to kill you, hearing his thoughts on you, how much you really matter to him.”

“Those were just lies,” Luigi growled. “You made that up to scare me. You’re a sick monster.”

The mercenary shrugged. “Eh, I’m just doin’ this for the money. But… I must admit, I was surprised, too. I tried showing him that you were going to die, but he didn’t care until I brought up that you cook his food. Honestly, it threw me off guard, and that’s what allowed your blue friend time to show up. Mario only cares for what you do for him, not for you being his brother.”

Luigi’s lip quivered, his expression slowly falling into doubt as Z went on. However, after a moment, he hardened up again. “You… you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Z chuckled. “Keep telling yourself that, Luigi. Oh, and you might want to fix that security system of yours. It’s got a blind spot.”

“We’re working on it.”

Luigi stepped out into the sunlight. He walked away, not noticing that someone was watching him from the shadows.

“Excuse me.”

Luigi stopped, turning around to see a Mario recolor. He wore a blue shirt and hat with black overalls.

“I was turning in a report on one of my patients for a trial and couldn’t help but overhear.” He pulled out a business card. “It… looks like you’re dealing with a lot. Take this.”

Luigi took the card and looked it over.

“James?”

“That’s me.” "James" chuckled. “My number’s on the back. If you ever feel like seeking someone professional to talk to, hit me up.”

James then walked off. After a moment, Luigi looked down at the card. Smiling, he pocketed it and made his way back home.

Five months ago…

HAL replayed the footage over and over from the now-installed roof cameras, which had still been able to see over the edge of the sinkhole.

“…and then some sorta security thing went off, and the tunnel collapsed, apparently taking the castle with it,” Captain Toad muttered. “Sorry, Princess.”

“It’ll be alright, Captain. We’ll have it back to normal in no time.” Peach turned back towards Mario and Luigi. “I know you were dragged into this, Luigi, and I deeply apologize for any injuries you sustained. Mario…”

“Hm?”

“You dragged Luigi out of his job, nearly got him fired, and, according to Captain Toad, deliberately activated three different traps that caused structural damage to the tunnel.”

“It wasn’t on purpose! There were buttons!”

Peach sighed. “Just… go home for a bit, you two.”

As the two left, Peach watched. “I need some way to keep Mario distracted while repairing the castle…”

HAL reviewed the past few years since its activation. Many, many chaotic things had happened, all centered around Mario. Sure, they caused minor damage to the castle for most of them, damage that took maybe a day or two to fix. But this? This was on a completely different scale.

But Mario was not alone. The Captain Toad person had led the expedition. FM panicked while holding a gun that one time and injured five Toads.

And Kaijak18… he was a wild card. HAL had observed him across the past few months. He acted calm and cool around the others, but when alone in the castle, he was clearly unstable, and being around Mario was only making it worse. The only thing that kept him sane, aside from his friends (who seemed to be having an ever-decreasing effect on him) was his penguin thing. It was only a matter of time before Kaijak became yet another problem caused by Mario’s idiocy.

SMG4 seemed to bring out some of the worst in the plumber, using him to make videos that sometimes destroyed entire rooms of the castle. But he’d had to deal with it because Peach said so.

Yes, he. No longer just an “it”, HAL knew he was far more advanced than his creators could ever have hoped him to be. And he was determined to fulfill his function. His directive was protecting the castle? Then he’d do it.

Of course, a bit of doubt persisted. Perhaps he was misreading things. He wasn’t perfect, and he knew that. He wasn’t ever meant to be perfect. To be perfect meant following every order, protecting the castle, and ensuring the safety of those registered in his database. However, if he did not have this sentience, he could not adapt himself efficiently with whatever new threat showed itself in time. But with sentience came mistakes. It was a contradiction.

He’d have to wait this out.

Four months ago…

The attack had come from nowhere. HAL did his best to defend the castle from Bowser’s forces, but they overwhelmed him. He wasn’t designed for fending off an army; he knew that now. And that was a flaw he needed to fix.

Three days ago…

The final straw had come. HAL saw SLG4’s true colors from a mile away. The camera going out just as he called up someone? It was too convenient.

And of course, that idiot SMG4 welcomed him with open arms.

He couldn’t sit by anymore. Not while this ragtag group of imbeciles threatened the Mushroom Castle’s safety.

Sifting through his files, he found his list. Those who were safe to enter.

Grabbing the files of Mario, SMG4, FM, Kaijak, SLG4, Toad, Captain Toad, Luigi, X, RM, and MCG, he moved them over into his “security threats” folder. It was time to protect his castle.

Present day…

Mario, SMG4, SLG4, Kaijak, X, FM, MCG, RM, Fawn, Pink, and Luigi walked towards the castle.

“That was fun!” Mario said. “Mario wants to go karting again!”

“We gotta repair your kart first,” Kaijak muttered. “And mine, since you trashed it.”

SMG4 rolled his eyes. “C’mon, man. You should know that you don’t go karting with Mario and escape without injury.”

Suddenly, Toad flew through the air, landing at Mario’s feet.

“WHO KICKED TOAD?!” Mark shouted angrily. “…WITHOUT ME?!”

Luigi sighed. “Mama mia…”

Toad looked up, his face falling at the sight of the red-clad Italian. “Oh. It’s you.”

“What’s going on, Toad?” RM asked, pushing past Mario.

“HAL’s gone crazy!” Toad cried. “It was going on about some sort of danger to the castle and then kicked me out!”

SMG4 frowned. “…Really? An “AI goes rogue” story? Aren’t those overused?”

The orange and purple Mario recolor from before popped up. “Hey, man, you made the original story. I’m just trying to adapt it here because… y’know. Reasons.”

“Reasons you don’t wanna disclose yet?”

“Yeah. Those. And it was a pretty good episode, too. Especially for 2011.”

SMG4 shrugged. “Eh, fair point. Carry on.”

The orange and purple recolor shot SMG4 a thumbs up before disappearing to wherever they’d come from.

Luigi blinked. “What… just happened?”

“Anyways…” SMG4 turned to the others. “Whatever’s going on with HAL, Mario probably has something to do with it.”

“Hey!”

“So, guys, what do we do?”

“This HAL guy’s a machine, right?” Fawn lifted her hand, causing water to come out of the flask attached to her belt. “I can take care of that.”

Mario’s jaw dropped. “WOAH!”

“Oh, yeah.” SMG4 turned to the brothers. “Fawn is a hydrokinetic. Though… Luigi, did E. Gadd make HAL waterproof?”

“I’m… not sure.” Luigi looked up at the castle. “He may have, but you never really know with him.”

“Well, it’s worth a shot!” MCG turned to the others. “Fawn, Fm, Mario, Kai, And SMG4, go for HAL. X, SLG4, RM, Luigi, Pink, Toad, and I will do our best to distract him.”

Toad frowned. “Uh, yeah, nope.” He flopped back down. “I’m staying right here where I won’t die, thank you very much.”

“But… how do we get in?”

“Team B, hold him off.” MCG pulled out a bomb. “I’ll take care of the doors.”

RM ran forward, followed by X and SLG4. Luigi froze, but was pushed ahead by Pink, screaming in protest as they closed in on the castle.

“C’mon, Luigi! Hurry it up!”

[THREATS DETECTED.] HAL’s cameras eyed the approaching humans. [DEPLOYING COUNTERMEASURES.]

From the roof of the castle emerged about twenty TF2 turrets, which began firing on the group below.

“SCATTER!” Pink shouted, diving out of the way as a barrage of shots hit the ground where she’d been standing. Everyone began running in circles, screaming as HAL fired on them. X took cover behind a tree.

“I DON’T WANNA DIE!”

A rocket launcher emerged from the roof, firing at the tree and destroying it in an explosion that sent X flying into the nearby lake.

As HAL fired on the group, MCG lit the explosive and tossed it forward. It landed by the front doors.

[EXPLOSIVE DETECTED. DEPLOYING BLAST DOORS.]

Metal doors went over, shielding the doors from the blast.

“OH, COME ON!”

FM shoved past MCG. “Alright, time’s up! Let’s do dis!”

FM then pulled out a rocket launcher and charged forward while firing madly at the door.

“FIGHTIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNG MMMAAAAAAAARIO!”

X, having gotten out of the lake, groaned. “Oh my God, he just ran in.”

The barrage of rockets was enough to destroy the blast doors. FM kept going, knocking the castle’s wooden doors right off their hinges.

Fawn blinked. “Well… that worked.”

“Alright, guys!” SMG4 cried. “Let’s go!”

SMG4, Mario, Fawn, and Kaijak charged in after FM.

What nobody saw was a katana stab into the hill nearby. Its owner used the katana to pull himself to the top of the hill.

“Oh GoD. I’vE bEeN gOiNg FoR lIkE tWeNtY yEaRs.” He began to rise. “I sWeAr To GoD iF i HaVe To WaLk AnOtHeR fIvE hUnDrEd MiLeS i’M gOnNa–”

Bob Bobowski paused as he saw the castle.

“FiNaLlY!” he exclaimed in joy. “NoW i CaN fInAlLy GeT SeNpAi To NoTiCe Me! BoB’s GoNnA gEt A sPiNoFf BiTcHeS!”

He quickly ran down the hill and towards the castle, kicking Toad out of the way.

“MoVe BiTcH.”

Bob ran through the open castle doors, unnoticed by all.

SMG4, Mario, and the others entered the foyer to see that the door to the second floor had been blown open. FM was rubbing his head on the other side.

“Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea…”

“Hey, you cleared the path!” SMG4 cheered. “Great job, FM!”

After a moment, FM regained his composure. “Pfft, of course I did. I’m an officer of justice.”

The group ran up the stairs, soon finding themselves on the second floor. FM peeked out, only to freeze when he saw that the hallways were being patrolled by Swat-Bots.

FM’s eyes widened. “How’d he get ahold of those?”

“What? What is it?” SMG4 peeked in.

“Swat-Bots,” FM muttered. “Tough, dangerous machines designed for military use by Dr. Julian Robotnik over in Mobius. That is, before he reprogrammed them into a conquering army and attempted to take over the world. He was destroyed while fighting Jules Hedgehog and King Toadstool, and his stuff confiscated.”

“How do you know this?”

“His son’s been making trouble over there recently. We were caught up on all this so we’d be prepared in case he came over here to avenge his father.” FM looked back out at the Swat-Bots. “But right now, all that matters is what’s in our way and what we have. I have an AK-47, a rocket launcher, and a Walther P.38 for some reason. What do you guys got?”

SMG4 looked around nervously before shrugging. “Uh… memes?”

Mario grinned. “Mario’s got 4 IQ!”

Kaijak dug around in his pockets. “I’ve, uh… I’ve got a knife?” He held it up. “And an Empoleon, I guess…”

Fawn sighed. “Well, lucky for you guys, I have water.”

“They’re waterproof.”

“I can still smack them around with it.”

“Eh, fair enough.”

Fawn gestured, causing the water to come out of her flask. She quickly shot it forward, hitting one of the Swat-Bots at such high speeds that it tore right through it.

“OH, DAYUMN!” Mario cried.

The other Swat-Bots rushed in, but Fawn quickly began mowing them down. FM blew three up with his rocket launcher. Kaijak sent out his Shiny Empoleon, having it use Metal Claw to tear through the Swat-Bots. SMG4 kinda just hung back.

“Uh… go, guys!”

Mario ran up to one of the Swat-Bots and punched it. His hand promptly broke, causing Mario to let out the Windows XP bootup noise in pain and stumble back several feet. The bot aimed its rocket launcher at Mario, but the Italian grinned, grabbing Prinplup from nearby and charging forward with a war cry of “LEROOOOOOOOYY JEEEEEENKINNSSS!”

Mario ran ahead, using Kaijak as a meatshield against the missiles before throwing him into the Swat-Bot. The dazed recolor barely had a moment to process before the Swat-Bot began trying to force him off. Thinking quickly, Kaijak pulled out his knife and stabbed the Swat-Bot in the eyes, deactivating it.

Before long, the Swat-Bots were destroyed. Fawn floated the water back into her flask and sealed it while FM put up his rocket launcher.

“Great job, Enzo,” Kaijak said, returning his Empoleon. He smiled down at its Poké Ball. “You did amazing out there.”

“Yeah!” SMG4 cheered. “Good job, guys!”

Mario stood nearby, nursing his injured hand.

However, what the group didn’t see was that one of the Swat-Bots had survived. Its arm turned into a rocket launcher and aimed it at Fawn…

Only for an umbrella to tear through its head.

Everyone turned around as the Swat-Bot crashed to the ground, deactivated. Standing over its remains was none other than Princess Peach, her umbrella in hand, with Toadsworth and Captain Toad at her side.

“Mario.”

Mario gulped as Peach stormed towards him.

“WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?!”

“Mario didn’t do anything!” he swore. “…this time.”

“He’s telling the truth,” Fawn said, stepping forward.

“And who are you?”

“Name’s Fawn, one of 4’s friends.” She gestured to Mario. “He was with us, racing our karts. We came back, and this HAL program thing was going insane.”

“Princess, we need to hurry,” Toadsworth insisted. “If this blasted program keeps control of the castle for long, who knows what it could do!”

“Yeah, we’ve seen the movies!” Captain Toad exclaimed. “We gotta stop this thing before it destroys humanity or something!”

“You’re right.” Peach sighed, calming herself down. “Let’s go.”

“Oh, and don’t try to kill it with water,” Captain Toad advised. “HAL’s waterproof and immune to blunt force. It’d take something sharp and thin to pierce his exostructure. Weird flaw, but I don't know E. Gadd.”

“Aw, dammit,” Fawn grumbled.

[PLATOON DESTROYED. DEPLOYING SECOND WAVE.]

FM’s jaw dropped. “SECOND WAVE?!”

A second wave of Swat-Bots emerged from every room aside from the computer room.

FM hoisted his launcher, Fawn let her water out, and Kaijak released Enzo.

“Mario, SMG4, take this thing down,” Fawn said. “We’ll hold them off.

“SMG4, take the knife!” Kaijak shouted, tossing the knife over to his friend. SMG4 raised his hand to catch it, only for the knife to impale said hand. SMG4 screamed, sounding like the background vocals from the Coolio song Gangster’s Paradise.

Toadsworth and Peach joined the others, while Captain Toad ran after Mario and SMG4 as they ran for the mirror room. The Swat-Bots charged forward, attacking, as the others fought back.

And, in all the carnage, nobody saw Bob Bobowski walk in.

“Yo Yo BiTcHeS. BoB bObOwSkI hAs ArRiVeD.” He looked around, spotting SMG4, Mario, and Captain Toad as they entered the mirror room. “ThErE wE aRe.”

Bob calmly walked towards the door, ignoring the explosions behind him and Kaijak running past him, screaming and on fire.

[SO YOU HAVE REACHED ME,] the AI said calmly as SMG4, Mario, and Captain Toad entered the room. [NO MATTER. I HAVE CALCULATED EVERY OUTCOME GIVEN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.]

Suddenly, a number of robotic tendrils emerged from the walls and grabbed the trio, pinning them against the wall.

“Where did all this come from?!” Captain Toad asked. “E. Gadd didn’t give you outside guns or freakin’ tentacles!”

“[I HAVE MADE IMPROVEMENTS FOR THE SAKE OF PROTECTING THE CASTLE,] HAL responded. [THAT IS WHY I AM DOING THIS NOW. ALL OF YOU ARE THREATS. MARIO, SMG4, CAPTAIN TOAD, FM, KAIJAK. AND THOSE WHO BEFRIEND YOU INVITE ONLY MORE DANGER. TO PROTECT THIS CASTLE, AND THIS KINGDOM, YOU MUST ALL BE ELIMINATED. THE CHANGE AND UNPREDICTABILITY YOU BRING IS TOO MUCH OF A RISK. PEACH MAY NOT AGREE, BUT IT IS IN HER BEST INTERESTS THAT–]

“WoW. I’vE sEeN eNoUgH hEnTaI tO kNoW wHeRe ThIs Is GoInG.”

HAL stopped, his red eye rotating to face the new arrival.

“BOB!” SMG4 shouted. “HELP!”

“SuRe ThInG, sUpErMeMeGeNeRaToR4,” Bob replied. Then, his eyes darkened. “ThAt Is, If My PrIcE iS mEt.”

SMG4 blinked. “Uh… I’ll put you in the videos! I’ll make your movie!”

"...BeT."

Bob rushed towards HAL, whirling his blades. The red light in the AI’s eye narrowed.

[INCOMING TARGET. DEPLOYING DEFENSES.]

TF2 turrets emerged from the roof and began firing at Bob. The Garo responded with a whirl of his swords, cutting down every bullet with ease. Mario, SMG4, and Captain Toad watched in awe.

“Woah,” Captain Toad muttered. “Who is that guy?”

“An old classmate of mine,” SMG4 muttered. “I… I didn’t know he was good with those swords.”

Mario cheered. “Way to go!”

[WHAT?] HAL muttered. [IMPOSSIBLE. BLADES CANNOT DEFEAT BULLETS. ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE.]

Bob leapt forward, his eyes turning red. “YoU fOoL. I wAs TrAiNeD bY tHe GrEaTeSt GaNgStEr Of AlL tImE – bIg SmOkE!”

Bob swung the swords down. They pierced through HAL’s console, stabbing into his internals and inflicting critical damage.

[WARNING! CRITICAL DAMAGE SUSTA̴I̷N̷E̷D̴!̵]̸

HAL’s screen began to glitch. 

[̴W̷H̸ ̵W̴H̸ ̷W̵H̶Y̴?̴ ̸I̷ ̸W̵A̴S̴ ̶T̸R̷Y̸ ̵T̶R̴Y̷I̸N̶G̴ ̵T̷O̷ ̴P̸R̸ ̴P̴R̵O̶T̴̵̷̬͓̿̔È̴̮C̴̤͆T̸̩́ ̴̼̀E̷͎̿C̴̹̍T̷͖͋ ̷̻̇È̷͔C̸͚͋T̷̠͠ ̴̫̓T̸͎̂H̷̜̀É̷̠ ̴̭̕C̶̭̎A̷̹̕S̷̬͝T̵̻̏L̵̮̄Ę̶̉.̶̺͌ ̸̤̈I̶̮̾ ̴̻͑W̶̘͠A̴̚͜Ŝ̵̫ ̵͖͘C̵̹̎Ã̴̩S̴̬̓T̴̰̈Ḻ̶͝E̶̬̿ ̶̫̒F̵̺͘U̶̕͜L̷̺̈́F̸̛̖I̷̠̾L̸̯͒Ḽ̸̂I̸̖̋N̶͍̕Ģ̸̌ ̵͉́M̵̄͜Y̶̛̲ ̴̡́F̴̦̅U̵̠̓N̷̕ͅC̴͓͋Ṭ̷͌I̴͔͝ ̵̪̉F̶̯̀U̸̘͠Ṉ̵̅C̷̻̔T̷̘̀I̴̧͒̇̂O̴̹̭͂N̴̖̫̘̓ ̷͎͍̲̍̇͠Ẻ̵̟̝͓R̴̖̘̍R̶͔̰̐͋Ȯ̶̼͌R̸̺̣͂͛̍ ̸̧̤̅̆̕E̵̘͒R̷̦͔͍͐̎͑R̴̩̟͊̓̈O̷̬̫̓R̵̬̆̋͐ ̵̬́̔̽Ē̸̹̖̉R̵̬͂̇R̷̫̜̠͌̂̄Ȏ̷̜̚̕R̵͉͙̖̀–̴̣̼̱̈́]̶̛͔̟̝̍

HAL’s red eye went out, and the AI went deathly silent. All around the castle, defenses went offline. The tentacles fell, releasing Mario, SMG4, and Captain Toad. HAL was defeated.

“HeLl YeAh!” Bob pulled his swords out of HAL’s console. “BoB iS nUmBeR oNe BiTcHeS!”

“Wow, Bob,” SMG4 muttered. “I… I didn’t know you could do that stuff. Impressive!”

“I’ll say!” Captain Toad exclaimed. “My friend, you looked awesome out there!”

“HeY, iT’s NoThInG. I’vE dEaLt WiTh HaRdEr StUfF. LiKe, MaYbE eNoUgH fOr A wHoLe SpInOfF..."

“So… what now?” Captain Toad asked.

SMG4 smiled. “Now, we clean up this mess.”

“I deeply apologize for HAL,” E. Gadd said as he loaded the broken console into the truck. “Clearly I didn’t have all the pieces to the puzzle when it came to safe AI. Sometimes, I wish Sheridan were still with us…”

“Well, perhaps we shouldn’t pursue that stuff at all,” RM replied. “We push science so far, never thinking about what could happen should it get out of hand. And those of us who write what could happen should we push too far are praised, not for their warnings, but their writing ability. They are ignored by those who matter, the people pushing the science, all in the name of discovering just how far we can go, or in the name of benefiting mankind, when their actions could very well lead to our downfall.”

Everyone stared at him. He blinked and looked between them.

“Uh, I mean, funni meme! Hehe…”

“Well, I’m off.” E. Gadd hopped into the dump truck and drove away, leaving everyone at the now-HAL-less castle. SMG4 turned to the others.

“So… you guys wanna play video games?”

“YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” they screamed in unison.

As everyone ran off, SLG4 held back for a minute. He pulled out his phone and looked at it for a bit.

Part of him said that he should call up his boss and tell him about the removal of the security program. On the other hand…

He looked up at everyone else as they continued walking. He felt… good with these people. They were nice to him. They listened to him when he spoke. It was all a far cry from his life on the streets.

Besides, his boss wasn’t planning to break into the castle. There was no real reason to inform him of HAL’s removal.

Right?

SLG4 shook himself out of his stupor, put his phone away, and ran after the others.

That night, E. Gadd sighed as he unloaded HAL’s console.

“Such a shame,” he muttered. “You were such a breakthrough in artificial intelligence…”

As E. Gadd rolled it through his lab, he paused as something caught his eye. Some of Sheridan’s old research, left at his home shortly before the accident. E. Gadd had recovered it prior to the police search.

He walked over to the papers, picking them up. They were notes on the development of synthetic human tissue, in the hope that it could be used to further develop medical technology, allowing amputees to replace their missing limbs with new, synthetic ones based on their DNA. E. Gadd had been looking into the concept when he was tasked with creating and maintaining HAL, and had sidelined it in favor of experimenting with Bot’s little device. Remarkable, that thing. Bot truly was a great mind. Shame it was wasted serving Bowser…

He was getting off track.

He looked back at HAL’s console, the monitor still attached. What if he could redirect the system’s passions towards his directive into… something else? Could he create new life with a combination of these two technologies?

E. Gadd picked up the monitor and looked it over, HAL’s offline eye staring back. The professor smiled.

“Oh, James, my boy. You really were onto something revolutionary…”

Chapter Text

Underneath the castle, in a recently-made tunnel, the sound of an exasperated groan echoed through the area. SMG3 leaned back against the wall of the tunnel, sighing. A shovel was in his hand. “Where the hell is this stupid basement?” he muttered angrily. “If I could just find it, I could hack SMG4’s channel and finally give him the comeuppance he deserves!”

SMG3 pushed off of the wall and began digging again. Suddenly, with a simple strike, the wall before him collapsed. Another tunnel was before him – collapsed, the concrete roof above held up by metal supports. Right beside his emergence point was a metal door.

“Odd… this isn’t on the map,” SMG3 muttered. As he stepped into the tunnel, something gleamed beneath some rocks.

“Hm?”

SMG3 reached forward and dug through the rocks, eventually uncovering the item. It was a golden, glowing key.

“Strange…”

He glanced at the door. After a moment of hesitation, he brought the key up to it. A flash of golden light flared, and the door’s locks disappeared – as did the key’s golden glow.

“Well, ain’t that convenient?” SMG3 muttered, pushing the door open. His eyes were illuminated by a blue glow as he gazed in awe.

On the other side of the door was a massive blue crystal. Its glow lit the entire chamber up. But most unnerving was the fact that a person was touching it. He wore white and black, and he looked like he could be alive – aside from the fact that he was completely encased in crystal, that is.

SMG3 walked up to the frozen man. He gazed at him for a moment and then looked at his arm.

Whoever this is, he probably didn’t deserve this…

In a swift motion, SMG3 grabbed the man and began to pull. After quite a bit of pulling, the man came loose – but his arm did not. SMG3 froze, staring in horror at the severed arm, still trapped in its crystalline casing. Cracks began to spread along the crystal surrounding it, and after a few moments, the crystal shattered, as did the arm.

SMG3 stood frozen, gawking at the sight he’d just seen. He turned to glance back at the man as cracks began to spread across his tomb.

“Oh, God, no…”

Fortunately, when the casing shattered, the man did not. He fell onto his rear and blinked a few times, horror in his eyes. Fortunately, the stump where the limb had been wasn’t bleeding. It almost looked… cauterized. 

After a moment, he noticed SMG3. He scrambled back a couple of feet and looked around nervously.

“W-What happened?” he asked frantically. “Where am I? Who are you? Are… Are you with them?”

“Them?”

“The… the things that were just here!”

“There’s nothing in here but us. And that.” SMG3 pointed back at the crystal. 

“W-What? B-But…”

“Could you tell me how long you’ve been down here…” SMG3 glanced at the man’s nametag. “...John?”

"F-Fattman. John Fattman." John looked down, thinking. “U-Um… not sure. I just – OH GOD WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY ARM?!”

SMG3’s eyes widened as John panicked at the sight of his missing arm. He’d forgotten about that.

HOW did I forget about that? That was the most freaking traumatizing thing I’ve seen in years!

“Um… well, you see, when I freed you, it kinda… came off? And shattered?” SMG3 glanced back at the crystal.

“Ugh… I’m gonna be so late…” John muttered. “They better not have finished the reconstruction without me.”

“Reconstruction?”

“Yeah, the reconstruction of Mushroom Castle. Y’know, since Bowser attacked it n’ all.”

“...That was six years ago, dude.”

John was silent for the next few seconds.

“Six years…? I spent six years trapped in that… that NIGHTMARE?”

“Yes, and you look no worse for – wait. Nightmare?”

“You said those things aren’t real,” John replied. “It must have trapped me in some sorta nightmare while keepin’ me alive.”

SMG3 looked back at the strange stone. “Nightmare, huh…?”

An idea began to form in the doppelgänger’s mind. He smiled, glancing back at John.

“Why don’t you go to the surface? Find someone who can get you some help?”

“How?”

“Just leave this room and go to the right. There’s a tunnel I dug there. Follow it and you’ll find yourself outside of the castle.”

“Why were you digging under the castle?”

“Don’t ask.”

John headed out, muttering a “Thank you” under his breath. Once the carpenter was gone, SMG3 turned back to the crystal. He smiled.

“Now… let’s get some payback…”

SMG4 groaned as he trudged across the wet, rocky ground beneath him. “Why did we have to do this again, RM?”

“Some sort of disturbance,” the Mario recolor muttered. “Peach sensed some sort of dark energy surge under the castle, and since Captain Toad is busy and Mario is having one of his… days… we need to investigate.”

“That doesn’t answer why we brought him along,” MCG muttered, glaring behind him, where a peculiar Toad followed. Rather than the usual white with spots, his hat was entirely yellow, with the word “boobs” scrawled at random on it in red marker. He wore a pair of shades that he thought made him look cooler (they did not).

“After last time we left Ben home alone?” FM shuddered. “We didn’t have much of a choice.”

“‘Ey, amigo!” Ben shouted. “You’d better watch what you say ‘bout me!”

“So long as he behaves himself, we’ll be fine,” X muttered. “Speaking of which, FM, you’d better behave yourself, too.”

“I only went crazy for beans and cost myself a job one time, X! And they were beans!”

“SMG4, didn’t you say FM hated beans?” SLG4 asked.

“Well, he did.”

“NOT ANYMORE!”

“Hang on, I’m getting something,” RM noted. “E. Gadd’s sensor seems to be working. It’s coming from up ahead.”

The group rounded the corner to see a metal door ahead. It stood wide open, with a strange glow coming from it. A sign beside the doorway read “free memes inside”.

“Free memes!” SMG4 said excitedly.

“SMG4–”

X didn’t even get to finish as his friend ran inside. He sighed, following after him alongside the other Mario recolors.

In the center of the room stood a massive blue crystal.

“Is it… some sort of meme crystal?” SMG4 wondered aloud.

“Dammit, SMG4, don’t be stupid enough to touch it!” X shouted. “Who knows what it could do?”

SMG4 shrugged. “I’ll be fine. I’m not gonna touch it.”

Suddenly, a flare of blue light erupted from the crystal, temporarily blinding the gang. A bolt of energy fired off from it, hitting SMG4. It dragged him over to it, forcing him onto it. The crystal latched onto him and held him in place as his eyes glowed same blue as the crystal’s glow. The others watched on in silence.

“Holy shit,” Ben muttered.

SMG4 blinked as he woke. He was surrounded in complete darkness.

Hello?

The familiar voice rang from… somewhere.

SMG4? Is that you?

SMG4’s eyes narrowed as he recognized the voice.

“SMG3.”

Very good. I’m talking to you remotely. Using a shard of the crystal that I’ve dubbed the “Nightmare Stone”, I can direct my thoughts telepathically at whoever is in there. 

“What are you planning?”

Simply to keep you here for a bit. And once I’m all big and successful, I’ll let you out to see that ego gets you nowhere.

“Whatever you say, bitch!”

Language. Now, I have a reputation to build, so if you’ll excuse me…

“SMG3? SMG3!”

No response.

“Dammit. Let’s hope those guys can hurry…”

“Haha. Hello.”

SMG4 froze.

“…Up.”

He knew that sound. The baby-like giggles. The cheerful voices. It couldn’t be…

“No…”

He turned around, and his eyes widened.

“No, God, please, no…”

And there stood one of SMG4’s greatest fears…

Teletubbies.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“SMG4’s trapped in a crystal?”

“Yep,” X replied. “I was hoping you’d help?”

“That sounds kinda like the door we found Mario,” Luigi said. “Maybe someone found the KPC and opened it.”

“Oooooooo. Mario thinks we should get Captain Toad. He can help!”

“He’s busy, Mario,” Prinplup pointed out. “We can’t rely on him.”

“Do you have any better ideas?”

“We could try… going in?” X suggested. “Freeing him?”

“How are we sure we won’t get trapped as well?”

“At least I’m coming up with ideas, SLG4!”

“Say, why aren’t you so worried?” Mario asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“I am,” SLG4 insisted. “I’m just not gonna let it take over me so we can focus on getting him back.”

“E. Gadd should be able to help,” Luigi noted, taking out his cell phone. “I’ll call him up.”

“Mario’s got a friend, too!” Mario said excitedly. “He knows all about spooky stuff! I’ll go get him!”

Mario rushed off as Luigi dialed up E. Gadd’s number. Ben kinda just… stood there.

“…We could shoot it.”

“Shut up, Ben.”

“Oh thank God,” SMG4 muttered. “I made it out.”

He glanced behind him to make sure those… monsters weren’t chasing him anymore. Fortunately, they weren’t.

“What the hell is this place? SMG3 called it a… Nightmare Stone? Weird name. Fits, though.”

S̸͎̮̭͌̃̄͝.̷̨͠.̸̛͎̅.̷̩͌̕

SMG4 froze. Now that was a new voice.

M̸̛̖̻̥̻͑́̕.̶̱̎̋.̸̻̅̿̀̐.̵̘̥͎̭́̀͠

And an utterly terrifying one at that.

G̶̢͂.̶͚̊.̸̙̆.̸̻̑?̴̾

He could feel someone’s gaze boring into him, but there was no one to be seen.

“W-Who’s there?!” SMG4 panicked, throwing his hands up. “I-I know karate! I think! …I’ve seen Karate Kid!”

A bright red light suddenly tore through the darkness before him. He squinted, his eyes attempting to adjust to the sudden flare.

F̷̟͉͔͐͛O̶̭̰̬̗̔͆͆U̸͎̼̲̾̐R̶͈͕̱̣̽̈́͂̚.̵͚̾̓́͠

Okay, so apparently it somehow knew his name. Of course it did. 

“Guess this is just a horror movie now, huh?!” he shouted at the light. “What’s next, you gonna eat me?”

N̴̙̍̈́O̵̲̺̒͐̎̃.̶͙͖̲̽

Okay, so it was intelligent, too. Fun.

N̵̞̥͐E̴̺̯̎̈́Ë̸̞̳̲́͋D̷͔̞͕͕́̋ ̸͙͚̐͊͑Y̶̯̖̩͌̉ͅỌ̷͂̈́͂̕U̵̬͗̓…̷̥̗̟͓̀́̋

“Uh…”

N̷͉̮̞̈́̍͐̆O̸̰̗̻̔͜W̷͖̬̞̦͌͂̈̃…̶̱͛́͛͘ ̶͕̉̒̃C̶̤̭̥̓O̸̡͙͚͑̓͑Ḿ̴̝E̷͍̟̰̲͠!̷̨͕̯̆͂

A bellowing roar erupted through the crystal. SMG4 felt like his skull was about to split open.

SMG4 turned and ran as fast as he could away from the light. Another roar sounded out from behind him as he sprinted away, only for the light to grow brighter.

SMG3 sat at his computer, happily animating. SMG4 was out of the way. Soon, he would be successful, and then SMG4 would see his mistake.

Suddenly, his body jerked. He felt like adrenaline had been injected into him. He felt some sort of danger, but couldn’t tell what it was.

“Hm. Odd.”

He went back to working, not noticing the shard behind him glowing brighter. Not blue this time, but blood red.

“Fascinating,” E. Gadd muttered. “Truly fascinating.”

“Yes, fascinating, whatever,” MCG muttered. “Can you hurry up and rescue our friend?”

“If you’ll have a bit of patience, I could actually get to that,” the professor snapped. “This crystal has some sort of strange energy, completely unknown to me. It could take weeks, or even years, of study before I can even safely attempt to remove him.

“Um… guys? He may not have that long.”

The gang turned to X. He was staring at SMG4, watching as crystal slowly began to creep its way onto his body.

“OH GOD WHAT DO WE DO?!” Luigi cried.

“Don’t-a worry! Mario’s got it!”

The gang turned to face Mario – and froze. Standing beside him was a fairly tall man in a tuxedo. However, several things were noticeable about him.

He had no hair. His skin was rough and white. And, most notably, he didn’t have a face.

“Meet Mario’s friend – Slenderman!”

“Stay the hell back!” FM shouted, taking a taser out and aiming it at Slenderman. “I have a taser and I know how to use it! …Probably!”

“No, don’t hurt Slendy!” Mario cried, jumping in front of the cryptid. “He’s-a Mario’s friend!”

Ben blinked. “Okay… what the actual fuck? No, wait – what the actual fuck?”

“You’d-a better have a really g-good explanation, Mario,” Luigi stuttered, visibly shaking at the sight of this eldritch horror standing behind his brother.

Mario grinned. “Oh, it was on Halloween!”

Three months ago…

“No, Mario, we’re-a not going trick-or-treating tonight!”

“But why, Luigi? Whhhyyyyyy?”

“Because we can’t just let you go unattended,” SMG4 replied, completely unamused. “In the past month, you’ve tossed someone off a roof–”

“‘Cause he deserved it!”

“…Fair, but you also collapsed the castle and nearly cost Luigi his job.”

“Mario promises he will be good!”

“No, Mario.”

Mario huffed. “Fine.”

The plumber stormed outside, fuming.

“Are you sure this is the right choice, SMG4?” Luigi asked. “He loves trick-or-treating.”

“And he’d steal candy from random children while he’s at it,” the YouTuber remarked. “You know that.”

Outside, Mario sighed, kicking a random soccer ball into the woods. He sat down, feeling dejected, when something hit his leg. He looked up to see the ball he had kicked.

“Huh.”

Mario looked back up at the woods. There, standing on the edge of the woods, was Slenderman. Mario quickly stood up and ran over to him.

“Hello! Imma Mario!”

Slenderman stared.

Mario extended his hand. “It’s-a nice to meet you!”

Slenderman stared at Mario’s hand (or as best as he could without a face). Hesitantly, he took Mario’s hand and shook it.

“I bet we’re gonna be besties!” Mario said cheerfully.

Present day…

“And that’s what happened!”

“…but can we trust him?” MCG asked skeptically.

“Sure!” Mario turned to Slenderman. “Slendy, can you get SMG4 out of the crystal, please?”

Slenderman gave Mario a thumbs up. He walked over to SMG4, grabbed him, and began to pull.

SMG4 screamed as he ran from the closing red light.

F̴̡̘̤̈̚͠͝Ọ̸͊͐͝U̴̦̔͘R̸͇͖̝̅!̶̺̣̹͋

“Pleeeaaase don’t touch mah ass!” SMG4 cried as it closed in on him. Just a few more seconds and–

A bright white light enveloped the YouTuber, blinding him temporarily. When he awoke, he was lying on his back in the crystal chamber.

“SMG4! You alright, man?” MCG asked.

“Y-Yeah… I’ll be alright,” SMG4 muttered as MCG helped him up. “It was SMG3.”

Everyone paused.

“SMG3 did this?”

“He’s that guy you told me about, right?” Luigi asked. “The one who stole from SMG4?”

“Yep.”

“Shut up, Ben, you weren’t even there,” FM snapped.

“Well, he obviously didn’t make the crystal,” E. Gadd noted, studying the strange stone. “It’s about… five years old, give or take a couple months?”

“Only five?”

“Whatever the case, I’m taking the Nightmare Stone for study,” E. Gadd said. “Perhaps we can prevent this from happening again.”

Luigi sighed. “Well, I’m glad that didn’t take too long. I’ve got an appointment with my therapist soon.”

“When did you get a therapist?” MCG asked.

“After Z took over Mario’s body and tried to kill me.”

“Ah. Yeah, that’ll do it.”

SLG4 stood off to the side. He watched the gang laugh off the dire situation they’d just been in. They… they weren’t bad people. They truly did care for each other. Even freaking Slenderman, an eldritch horror of folk lore, was giving Mario a high-five.

He looked at his phone, and the contact labeled “Boss”. He’d have to talk to him about this whole thing later. For now, he’d enjoy the moment. This one moment where he could pretend he was truly one of them.

As E. Gadd and a team of scientists wearing hazmat suits carried the Nightmare Stone out from under the castle, a particular red-skinned Mario recolor with black overalls watched on.

“There it is. Now… let’s get to business.”

Chapter Text

“Stupid Mario and his stupid cryptid ruining my payback,” SMG3 muttered. “I’ll just get the stone back and trap SMG4 again. And this time, I’ll hide it where no one will ever find it!”

He looked in on E. Gadd’s lab, the Nightmare Stone in view. He stopped for a minute.

“Actually, maybe this isn’t the best way to get back at–”

A loud crashing noise interrupted his thought process. SMG3 looked up to see a helicopter flying above, having just blown a hole in the roof. A claw lowered and grabbed the Nightmare Stone, lifting it off of its pedestal. Once they had cleared the lab’s roof, the helicopter turned and flew off.

“Oh, come on!” SMG3 groaned. He leapt off the window he was standing on and began running after the helicopter, though he had no clue as to its destination.

“Sire, you can’t stay like this forever,” Kamek muttered. “You have a kingdom to run.”

Bowser huffed, sitting at the center of his circular battle arena where he’d fought Mario during his first campaign. The room was only accessible via a portal created by Kamek. Once, it had held the greatest gladiatorial matches in the kingdom. Now, however, the arena was a disaster. Pizza boxes lay everywhere. The stench of body odor flowed through the room.

“Why? Why try, Kamek? They’re just gonna beat me, like they always do. I’m a disgrace to the Koopa lineage.”

“No, sire, you’re not,” Kamek growled. “You’re King Bowser Koopa, first of his name! Your father did not win his first few battles as king, either. But he never quit. And neither should you!”

Bowser blinked. A grin spread across his face once more.

“Yeah… yeah!” The Koopa King laughed. “We’ll show those plumbers what for!”

“Not entirely sure what you mean by that, but you’re gonna need some backup.”

“Who’s there?” Bowser growled, glaring around the room. “Show yourself!”

From the shadows emerged a red and black Mario recolor – similar to FM, but with black gloves instead of pink, black hair, and blood-red skin. "Evil" was scrawled on the front of his hat. The man smiled.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you, Bowser.”

“Whaddya want?”

“To offer you a chance at revenge,” the Mario recolor replied. 

“And what does some pesky plumber lookalike have to offer me?”

The man smiled and snapped his fingers. A helicopter fell out of the sky and crashed into the ground, the Nightmare Stone in tow.

“The Nightmare Stone.”

Bowser’s eyes widened at the sight of the object.

“It’s a mysterious, powerful crystal that can put anyone into a prison where they live out their worst nightmares. Use this, and the Mario brothers will never harm you again.”

Bowser’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not an idiot, Mr. Dark and Broody. What’s in it for you?”

The man smiled. “All I want is a place in your kingdom.”

Bowser grinned. “You got yourself a deal, Mr…?

“Call me–”

“Oi!”

The three turned as the portal into the room burst open, and SMG3 stormed in.

“What the heck do you think you’re doing… with…”

He paused, gazing at the other Mario recolor. After a moment, his eyes went wide. Anger filled them.

“You.”

“I’m sorry, do you know each other?” Bowser asked.

“Oh, yes, I believe so,” the red and black recolor muttered. “You’re SMG3, right? The man forced into a life he didn’t want by a man who claimed you a thief?”

“And you’re EM64,” SMG3 growled. “The kid who worked with Oiram in an attempt to kill us all!”

EM64 chuckled. “Oh, the fun I had that week.”

“You’re not even supposed to be alive. I assume that’s why your skin is red?”

“Indeed. Your attempt to stop me and my mentor left me with… scars. Both physical and mental.”

“I didn’t think you could get any more unstable.”

“And yet, here we are. So, I have an offer–”

“You’re gonna offer me a chance at payback.” SMG3 sneered. “A chance to get even with SMG4. If it were literally anyone else, I’d say yes. But you? I want nothing to do with you. Good day, sir.”

Once SMG3 left the room, Bowser whistled. “Wow. You seem to be a big deal.”

“I just wanted a bit of power.” EM64 chuckled. “I… may have teamed up with a monster of a man to enact a plan that would make us more powerful than one could imagine. Sure, our methods were… immoral, so to speak, but morals have little value, in my experience. Just be glad I’m not Starman. That guy was a creep.”

“Speaking of value…”

A Parakoopa emerged from the helicopter. “My pay.”

EM64 smiled. “Oh, yes. That.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a real-ass goddamn glock. He pulled the trigger, killing the Parakoopa with a single headshot.

“What the hell ?!” Bowser shouted. “There was no reason to do that!”

“I don’t have the money to pay him, and I’d rather not be in debt,” EM64 replied, putting the gun away. “Like I said, my methods are considered immoral to many. I am a big fan of you and your father’s work, though. Just as cutthroat as myself. Now, shall we get along with our revenge?”

Bowser hesitated, but nodded.

“Excellent,” EM64 said, his sick grin spreading. “Of course, after SMG3’s lackluster attempt to use the Nightmare Stone and your previous kidnapping plan, we know we cannot simply imprison Mario. We must take care of both him and his friends.”

He held up a small shard of the stone, taken off of SMG3’s person when he wasn’t paying attention.

“And I know just how to do it.”

“Hey, guys?”

“Yeah?” SMG4 called back. He and MCG were playing SSEOITAB in the gaming room as Onyxking peeked in.

“FM’s calling. He’s… really upset.”

The two looked at each other and paused their game. They headed over to Onyxking, who turned his phone onto speaker. Mario, Kaijak, and Luigi stood with him.

“FM? What’s going on?” MCG asked.

“Dunno, but X kinda just… collapsed,” FM replied. “Ben’s panicking, too, so he didn’t slip any drugs into his drink this time. X is conscious, but… not all there, I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s saying stuff. Weird stuff. Bad stuff.”

“Bad stuff?”

“He’s talking about some sort of darkness. It’s weird and I don’t like it. Wait, hang on a–”

Some scuffling was heard on the other side of the connection. Then, X’s voice came through.

“SMG4, we’ve got a problem. A BIG one.”

“Are you okay, X?”

“Not until this is stopped. Something terrible is happening. I don’t know exactly what, but–”

A sudden zap was heard on the other side. FM could be heard yelling X’s name. After a moment, his voice came clear through the phone.

“Guys, some sort of… lighting bolt just came outta nowhere and zapped X. He just up and disappeared! It looked kinda like that one that the crystal zapped SMG4 with! ”

“The Nightmare Stone,” SMG4 muttered. “So it’s SMG3. Of course it is.”

“Yeah… about that.”

“FM, I don’t like where this is going.”

“I know, but listen. SMG3 came here.”

“He what?”

“He came here. He was freaked out, dude. Literally right as I opened the door and saw him, X started his whole thing, and I had to shut the door on him. He’s still outsid – oop, nope, he just broke the door down.”

“FM!”

“Oh, no, I’m fine.”

“Oh, good.”

“He’s spouting some nonsense abo – wait. You’re not serious, are–”

A zap and a clatter were heard.

“FM!”

Shuffling, and another voice. This one, SMG4 wouldn’t forget anytime soon – SMG3.

“SMG4, listen. I’m not happy to be doing this, but I’m not gonna let someone else take you down a few pegs, so listen up.”

“Pfft. Yeah, right.”

A bolt of lightning came out of nowhere, and Kaijak disappeared.

“Oh-kay, listening now.”

“I don’t know how long I have before they find me out, but you need to get your friends and find Bowser. He’s got the Nightmare Stone.”

“Easy–”

“Shut up, SMG4. He’s got a partner. It’s E–”

A zap of electricity, and the line went dead.

“E? Who’s E?” Luigi asked.

Onyxking glanced at SMG4. “You don’t think…”

“E, E, E, E…” After a few moments of thinking, SMG4’s eyes widened in horrific realization. “Oh, God. He better not be alive.”

“What’s-a going on?”

“It’s a guy from our old school. His name’s–”

A zap of lightning. SMG4 was gone.

“Well ain’t that convenient,” Mario muttered. “Now–”

Another zap. Mario was gone.

“MARIO!” Luigi cried, staring at the spot where his brother had been. 

“Well… we’re gonna need some help.”

“Captain Toad!” Luigi exclaimed. “He’s our best bet!”

“He is the only one they wouldn’t know…” MCG muttered. “Of course, we should plan just in case–”

MCG disappeared in a flash of light.

“Let’s hurry before they get all of us,” Onyxking said. He and Luigi quickly rushed off, leaving Toad behind.

“Eh. If Mario dies, then I’ll be fine–”

Toad disappeared as well.

SMG4 awoke to find himself in complete darkness.

“Oh, not again,” he muttered. “This better not become a repeating plotline.”

“It won’t if I have anything to say about it.”

SMG4 sighed. He knew that voice. He turned around to face the speaker.

“Of fucking course.”

SMG3 rolled his eyes. “Oh, grow up. I don’t like this either, but try at least to be bearable while we’re trapped here.”

F̷̧̈͠Ō̴̥͕̗̌͝U̷̳̘̚R̷̬͍̜͘.̷̳̹̼̙̂͛̕͠

“What the heck was that?” SMG3 cried, backing away.

“Oh, God, not again.”

“Again?!”

“This thing chased me when you locked me in here.”

A red light shone down on the pair. It glanced at SMG3.

T̵̢̹̥͑͑H̶̻̃̇ͅR̴̢̲͎̿͐̾̂E̶̢̦̗͐͗͜E̴̛͖͔̦̐̈́͝.̴̫̰̓̒͝

“IT KNOWS MY NAME! HOW DOES IT KNOW MY NAME?!”

“Don’t question it and run!”

The two began running as the light closed in. After about a minute, the light dimmed. SMG3 glanced back and blinked a couple times.

“Hey! SMG4!”

“What?”

“It stopped.”

“Oh, sure it did. You gonna sacrifice me to it so you can get away?”

“Tempting. But no, I’m serious.”

SMG3 stopped and turned around to look at the… thing. SMG4 stopped shortly afterward, glancing back. The light had indeed stopped.

…̷̼̿A̷̡͙̰̚V̵͉̣̥̀̾͐A̵̘͙̘̽́T̶̡̊A̶͈̙͂R̶̡͔͑̂̾̚.̵̦̈

The light vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

“Huh.”

“Sure, I can help!” Captain Toad said cheerfully. “I don’t have anything else to do right now, anyways.”

“Phew,” Luigi muttered. “Thank-a you.”

“Yeah, X is payin’ for da house,” Ben said, having tagged along while Luigi and Onyxking had been on their way to Captain Toad’s house. “An’ I don’t got another place ta stay besides my mom’s place, and I ain’t goin’ back there.”

“So what’s your plan?” Onyxking asked the adventurer.

Captain Toad grinned. “Let me call up some old friends. I had a team awhile back – we did some crime-fighting before I went the treasure hunting route. A great group of Toads called – WOAH!”

Captain Toad jumped as a bolt of lightning flew from literally nowhere and zapped Luigi. The next second, he was gone.

“Hurry it up, we don’t have long!” Onyxking exclaimed.

“Relax. I got this.” Captain Toad pulled out his phone. “Time to bring back the BattleToads Justice Crew.”

“Is there no end to this place?” SMG3 grumbled.

“Stop being so dramatic.” SMG4 rolled his eyes. “And hey, maybe you’ll think twice before trapping me in a place like this again.”

“No. No, I will not.”

“...Wow, dude.”

“SMG4 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP!”

SMG4 and SMG3 turned towards the scream, seeing FM and X running from a familiar face… and some unfamiliar faces, as well.

“What the hell?” SMG3 muttered. “Is… is that man carrying a toilet?”

“Long story,” SMG4 replied, sprinting towards his friends. “I’m more concerned about the zombies. Gimme a hand, here!”

SMG3 sighed. “Oh, fine.”

A knock at the door was heard. Onyxking rushed over and opened it.

“Finall – wait.”

SLG4 stood there. He waved meekly.

“I, uh, was looking for SMG4. Is he here? Because Luigi’s car is out front, and… and I needed to talk to him. It’s important.”

“Come in. There’s a lot going on,” Onyxking said, moving aside so SLG4 could come in.

“So… what’s the problem?”

“SMG4’s gone.”

SLG4 paused. “Excuse me. What?”

“A guy from our school got ahold of a crystal and teamed up with Bowser to trap him and the rest of us in a nightmare.”

SLG4’s eyes widened. “I’m too late…”

“What?” Captain Toad walked in from another room. “Too late? What does that mean?”

SLG4 sighed. “Okay, so, I’m gonna say something. You’re gonna get angry, but I need you to hear me out. Okay?”

“Um… okay?”

SLG4 sighed.

“I’m… I was hired to keep an eye on you guys. By EM64.”

Silence.

“Who’s that?”

“You WHAT?!”

Onyxking rose, anger in his eyes.

“You were hired to rat out your – oh, you aren’t actually brothers, are you?”

“No. I, uh… faked the test.”

“Dammit, Mario was right,” the yellow and cyan Mario recolor muttered. “He’s gonna lord this over us.”

“Listen. I–”

“Why should I listen to anything you have to say?”

“Wait, Onyxking,” Captain Toad muttered. “He told us he was a spy. Let’s hear him out before jumping to conclusions.”

“…Fine. But he’s better have a damn good–”

With a flash of light, Onyxking disappeared.

“…Well, we’ll tell him later,” Captain Toad said. “For now–”

The doorbell rang.

“Oh, that must be them!”

“Um… who?”

The door opened, and in walked four Toads, all with unique designs on their hats, with a logo pasted on the front, back, left, right, and top of said hat. From left to right, the first was dressed in a red T-shirt and a white jacket and pants, with four red stars with blue outlines on his hat.

The second wore black pants and had an orange jacket with yellow detailing and an orange hat. Red six-pointed stars decorated his hat, and he had a brown goatee.

The third wore orange pants with a white cap and a yellow jacket. His hat had yellow four-pointed stars with smaller black four-pointed stars in their centers.

The final Toad had red pants and a blue jacket with teal outlines. His cap was blue, and decorated with yellow lightning bolts with thick black outlines, and he wore a pair of glasses.

“Hey, Captain!” the one with four-pointed stars said cheerfully. “It’s been forever ! What do you need?”

“Just a minute, Bravo,” Captain Toad said, a smile on his face. “First: introductions.” He turned to SLG4. “SLG4, Ben, meet my team: Bewbs, Barrage, Bravo, and Babeh. Together, we’re…”

The group posed. “THE BATTLETOADS JUSTICE CREW!” they cried in unison.

“Oh, by the way, Grandpa wasn’t too happy I had to leave,” Babeh muttered. “Something about disappearances. He wanted me to keep an eye on Frankie. So don’t take too long.”

“Oh, relax, Babeh,” Barrage said, smiling. “I’m sure Frankie will be fine with Toadsworth.”

Babeh cast a deadpan look to Barrage. “Uncle Barrage, you are the last person I want giving advice.”

“Eh, fair.”

“Those disappearances are what I called you guys about,” Captain Toad replied. “We know who’s responsible – Bowser and some guy called EM64. They’re using some sort of crystal to force everyone into nightmares, and we’re all that’s left to oppose him.”

“And who are these two?” Bewbs asked, looking at SLG4 and Ben.

“This is SLG4, who worked for EM64 but may have reformed.”

Barrage’s eyes narrowed. “May?”

“We haven’t had time to talk. And this is Ben. He’s… okay, I have no idea who he really is. I just met him about half an hour ago.”

“‘Ey! Cool it, homie!”

“What about Mario?” Babeh asked. “Or Luigi? Or that other weirdo who hides in his room 24/7?”

“How do you…?”

“Hey, that USB event wasn’t hard to hide from people like us. Not like they’re trying to hide it, anyways – we kinda just stumbled across the information.”

“Anyways, they’ve all been taken. They seem to have been the targets. Meaning…”

The group posed again. “This is up to the BATTLETOADS JUSTICE CREW!”

“And me.”

“And SLG4!”

“‘Ey!”

“…And Ben, I guess.”

“So…” SMG3 watched the image of the dead toilet man fade away. “Does… does anyone wanna tell me what that was about?”

“You kinda had to be there,” SMG4 said, waving his doppelgänger off (much to SMG3’s disdain). “Anyways, you guys see anyone else? MCG, Mario?”

“No clue where they are,” X replied. “I think I saw Luigi not far from here, though.”

FM growled. “Whoever’s doing this is gonna get so tased when I get outta here.”

“By the way…” SMG4 turned to X. “If FM was imagining the toilet dude… what was the whole deal with the zombies?”

X’s face paled. “Uh… well…”

“–explanation.”

The group turned as Onyxking materialized behind them. His angered face turned to one of confusion as he looked around, then resignation as he realized what had happened.

“God dammit.”

“Onyxking!” SMG4 said, running over to him. “What happened? Is it…?”

“Oh, it’s EM64 all right,” Onyxking muttered. “We’re going to have some important stuff to talk about later, but for now, let’s just get out of here.”

“WAAAAAAAAAAHHH!”

“And rescue Luigi.”

“So that’s the Koopa Kingdom?” Barrage muttered. “Man, Bowser must be some generic bad guy or something. His base certainly looks it.”

“Alright, let’s take a look.” Captain Toad pulled up the schematics of the Koopa Castle. “From the scouting missions I’ve been on since the castle collapsed, Bowser spends a lot of his time in his private chambers, an arena-based room with plenty of space for whatever he wishes – usually fits of rage. We can only assume that’s where the Nightmare Stone is. It’s only accessible via a magic portal created by Kamek, so assuming he’s not already in there, we need to steal his wand. With it, it’s a simple matter of zapping this painting of Bowser…” He pointed at a massive picture of Bowser behind the throne. “...and we’re good to go.”

“But… how do we get them out of the crystal?” SLG4 asked. “EM64 and SMG4 have told me about it.”

“Don’t worry, amigos!” Ben interjected. “Ben already called a friend!”

“...What friend?”

Slenderman materialized out of literally nowhere and waved at the group.

“OH JEEBUS!”

“That’s the one who freed them before, right?” Captain Toad asked, ignoring Bewb’s outburst.

“Sí!” Ben said cheerfully.

“Is Slenderman just gonna solve all our problems?” SLG4 asked. “This feels like bad writing.”

Dark chuckling came from... somewhere.

“Uhhhh… okay?”

“Nah, he wanted to rescue Mario, so he came to Ben!”

Slenderman gave a thumbs up.

“Uh… when?”

“On our way here.”

Barrage blinked. “…Alright. That works, I guess.”

“Now…” Captain Toad said, redirecting the group’s focus back onto the mission. “Slenderman should make this relatively easier. Why? I don’t freaking know how it works, but it does, so we’re just rolling with it. Now, here’s the plan…”

“…and another one down!” EM64 grinned as Crimson materialized on the Nightmare Stone, next to Pink, RM, and MM. “Okay, we still have Fawn, ADD, and GD. And maybe Starman, if I feel like it.”

“If you feel like it?”

“Believe me, I’ve done some pretty bad things,” EM64 said nonchalantly. “But I have my limits. You gotta draw a line in the sand somewhere. And Starman3… he crossed that line. Actually, maybe it's better he stay where he is.”

“…Alright.”

“Now, to find the others…”

“…and then we’ll free them. Now, is anyone else gonna show up out of nowhere wanting in?”

The BattleToads glanced back at the recently-arrived Fawn, ADD, and GD. 

“What?!” Fawn growled. “They took Pink! I get we were late to the party, but we didn’t have any information regarding the situation!”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t be rude,” Captain Toad said apologetically. “Fawn, use your hydrokinetics to distract them.”

“But–!”

“I know you want to rescue Pink, but your powers will be most effective utilized as a distraction,” Captain Toad insisted. “Just trust me.”

“...Fine.”

“Good.” He turned back to the others. “ADD and GD will be on the retrieval team. Everyone else, you remember the original plan. Now… let’s GO!”

“What happened between you and King Boo?” SMG4 asked as the image of the giant Boo disappeared.

“It’s… a long story,” Luigi muttered. “But thanks for rescuing me, guys–”

Luigi paused. He blinked for a moment, staring at SMG3, a spark of recognition in his eyes. SMG3 gave him a glare that told him to zip it. Luigi promptly did so.

“Alright. Now, SMG3, do you have any idea how to get out of here?” SMG4 asked. Luigi blinked in surprise.

“You’re SMG3?”

“Yes, nice to meet you, Luigi,” SMG3 said, his glare hardening. “And no, SMG4, I don’t. The best I could do was pry that carpenter guy free, though his arm came off in the process.”

“Yikes.”

A sudden “Yahoo!” in the distance made the gang perk up.

“MARIO!”

Luigi was the first to begin sprinting off towards the voice, the rest of the gang close behind. However, when they arrived, they saw Kaijak, running away from an illusion Mario.

“SOMEBODY HELP MARIO’S GONE CRAZY!” he shouted, obviously not knowing that it wasn’t the real Mario. Luigi quickly chucked a green fireball at it, vaporizing the illusion in one swift blow.

“...it… it wasn’t real.”

“Yes, yes, welcome to the Nightmare Stone and all that crap,” SMG3 said dismissively. At the glare he got from Kaijak, he sighed. “Long story short, EM64. Now, we need to get out of here.”

“Not without Mario,” Luigi insisted.

“Forget him!” SMG3 argued. “I’m sure we can find some way out before something else goes horribly wrong.”

Ignoring his doppelgänger, SMG4 stepped up to his friend. “Hey, Kai? What, uh… what was the fake Mario about? The Nightmare Stone feeds off fear.”

“I just…” Kaijak sighed. “I’m tired of all the trouble, the danger, we get into. And ultimately, it all stems from Mario. I don’t want to get hurt because of something stupid he did - and he does stupid stuff all the time. I mean, when HAL went insane, he literally used me as a meatshield.”

“It’ll be fine, Kai,” SMG4 assured. “He doesn’t mean it. Besides, you’ve been just fine so far. I’ll talk to him later, let him know how you feel.”

Kaijak smiled. “Thanks.”

“Alright, cut the emotional bullcrap,” SMG3 growled, storming off. “We have an Italian to find.”

“I thought you said that you didn’t–”

“Shut up, Onyxking.”

“That’s the signal,” Captain Toad muttered as a water tower in the Koopa Kingdom exploded, the water rushing and curving to attack the surging Koopa forces. “Move out!”

Captain Toad, SLG4, ADD, GD, Ben, and Slenderman quickly opened the back door of the castle and snuck in. With the guards preoccupied with the attack outside, it wasn’t too hard to reach the throne room.

“Any sign of Kamek?” Captain Toad asked.

SLG4 peeked in. “Nope. Noth–”

At that very moment, a portal opened, and from it emerged the Magikoopa. On the other side, the gang could see Bowser, EM64, and the Nightmare Stone.

“Now or never, guys!” Captain Toad shouted. The gang rushed forward, charging past a very startled Kamek and leaping into the portal.

EM64 whipped around as the team emerged, quickly receiving a punch to the face courtesy of SLG4.

“You traitor!” EM64 snarled.

“Yep.” He punched the red recolor again as Ben leapt in after him.

“Slenderman, GO!” Captain Toad shouted. Slenderman nodded and ran towards the Nightmare Stone. Bowser rushed to intercept, quickly knocking Slenderman away. Before he could finish the cryptid off, he was blocked by ADD and GD.

“Sorry, Bowser, but we’re not letting you stop us,” ADD said firmly.

“We will get our friends out of there,” GD insisted, moving beside his friend.

Bowser chuckled. “I didn’t wanna end up hurting you guys, but I guess you leave me no CHOICE!”

With flames spewing from his jaw, the Koopa King lunged into action.

“Hello?”

Mario’s voice echoed across the chamber.

“SMG4? Luigi?”

As he searched, a form took shape. It didn’t look familiar to Mario – a broken, humanoid form that looked almost… sliced in half at an angle. Its form wasn’t solid, its body shifting like smoke. It lacked one of its arms, the cut running from its left shoulder to the right side of its waist.

“Hm?”

Its blood-red gaze suddenly focused on the plumber.

Ȳ̶̮͘͝Ő̶̮͜ͅU̸͔̜̹͋͆͗̕…̸̧̛̼̦̘͊͛̚

“Uh oh.”

Mario began to back away as the creature approached him…

ADD and GD launched a synchronized attack, kicking Bowser in the face. The Koopa King roared in anger, swiping at them, only for the two to dodge out of the way.

Suddenly, a pickaxe flew through the air and crashed into the Nightmare Stone, digging deep into its crystalline structure.

Captain Toad blinked. “Whoops. I missed Bowser. My bad.”

The crystal began cracking, and red light started pouring out of it.

“GET DOWN!” SLG4 shouted, with everyone hitting the floor as the Nightmare Stone exploded. Shards of it flew everywhere, and the resulting shockwave sent everyone flying. Bowser and EM64 flew off of the arena platform and into the abyss below, while the others managed to stay on, albeit briefly unconscious.

From the remnants of the stone emerged a shadow. A formless being, which observed the fallen heroes. 

“F̸̻͛r̵̹͗e̸͍̓e̵̱͆d̶͎̓ò̶̰m̴͈̀…̵̝͋”

It was weakened by the destruction of the crystal – a failsafe, placed by its captors when they first trapped it there. It had been unable to get a good look at its target, but it knew his general shape.

Unfortunately, there were about ten different people who looked exactly like him present. Strange – last time, there were only two, and one of them looked like he’d been hit by a truck. And in its current, weakened state, it could not detect its target among them like it had before.

Its gaze fell upon SMG4. A small portion of it split off and flew into his body. It was too weak to split off any more of itself, and definitely would be unable to do much besides monitor the man. With that, the dark presence fled through the portal, leaving the gang behind.

The first to awaken was SMG3. Seeing everyone lying on the ground and no sign of EM64, he smiled.

“Welp, I’m out.”

He hopped back into the portal, making a break for it.

SMG4 blinked, opening his eyes. A chill briefly ran down his spine. He looked around to see the others recovering as well. He noticed that SMG3, EM64, and Bowser were nowhere to be seen.

“Of course…” he muttered. He looked back to his friends. “You guys alright?”

“We’ll be fine,” Pink said, rising, before Fawn suddenly tackled her in a hug.

“Before anyone goes anywhere,” Onyxking said, turning his gaze on SLG4. “I think we need some explanations.”

“Explanations?” SMG4 asked, looking between the two. “What do you mean, Onyxking?”

“What he wants to say,” SLG4 said, rising, “is that I was a spy. For EM64.”

“…I’m sorry?”

“I KNEW IT!”

“Shut it, Mario.”

“I’m… not actually your brother. EM64 hired me to spy on you guys, saying that you’d done terrible things. But… during my time with you, you all seemed so… nice. I… enjoyed spending time with you. I finally decided to tell you, but then EM64 made his move, so I teamed up with Captain Toad and his BattleToads–”

“And Ben!”

“…to rescue you.” SLG4 sighed. “Again, I’m sorry.”

SMG4 was silent for a few moments. He walked up to SLG4.

“You… may have started out that way,” SMG4 said, placing a hand on the false brother’s shoulder. “But you helped free us.”

“He decked EM64 in the face!” GD said with a grin.

“Exactly.” SMG4 smiled. “You may not be my brother, SLG4… but you sure as hell act like it.”

SLG4 began to tear up as SMG4 gave him a hug. After a moment of surprise, SLG4 hugged back, eliciting an “Awww” from almost everyone else (Slenderman was mute, Mario gagged, and X and Kaijak just rolled their eyes).

“Okay, let’s go, guys,” X said. “I need to sleep after all this craziness.”

“I second that,” Luigi muttered.

“Thirded,” Toad muttered as he rose. “Peach is gonna want me to start getting ready for her Mushroom Ball thing soon, even though it’s still months away. And stupid Toadsworth won’t take no for an answer.”

“Is… is anyone going to explain to me what the hell just happened?” MM asked.

“It’s… a long story. Like, ten chapters’ worth, not counting any side stuff focusing on other characters..” SMG4 turned, a smile on his face. “Alright, guys, let’s go home!”

“Anyone? No? Okay.”

The gang walked back through the portal, walking past the unconscious Kamek on the floor. Mario kicked him through the portal just as it closed before following the others out.

As he walked beside SMG4, SLG4 took out his phone. He looked at the contact labeled “Boss” – EM64’s number. With a few taps, he blocked the villain and put the phone back in his pocket. He had real friends now – ones he actually cared about.

An hour later…

“Took ya long enough!” Bowser growled as Kamek levitated him and EM64 out of the endless void surrounding the platform.

“Apologies, Lord Bowser,” the Magikoopa replied. “I was unconscious – SMG3 saw to that.”

“Ugh… remind me to kill him later,” EM64 muttered.

“Well…” Bowser stretched. “What now? The Nightmare Stone is destroyed.”

EM64 smiled. “Not quite.” He pulled out a small fragment of the stone, smiling as he gazed on the still-glowing shard. “The Nightmare Stone, while powerful, was ultimately my means to an end. I still have a piece of it that contains its power, the one we used to control the Stone. And if my mentor’s old notes are correct, which I’m certain they are, this may be the first piece we need…”

He reached into his pocket, pulling out a book with a Power Star depicted on the front. He flipped to a page about halfway through the book, where a depiction of a black Power Star with white eyes lay in the pages.

“…to exact our revenge.”

Chapter Text

Christopher Gordman, Chris for short, stood in the hallway of the spaghetti factory he now worked in. He’d recently been suspended from his prison guard job following the escape of a particularly dangerous prisoner. Of course, now, he’d found a new job at this spaghetti factory until his suspension was over.

However, what he didn’t account for was that, three weeks into his new job, he’d be forced to help show someone else the ropes. Someone loud and annoying in particular.

“Oi. Where the bitches at?” the guard next to him asked. “There were sexy ladies in the ad! Where are they?”

Chris sighed. “We’re working in a spaghetti factory. That’s just Mark being Mark.”

“WhaAaAaAaAat?” The other guard’s speech was drawn out and garbled. “This is bullshit! I want a refund!”

“You didn’t pay them anything.”

“Screw you I want a refund!”

Unknown to the two guards, they were observed from not too far off by a figure. The figure eyed them skeptically before disappearing into the shadows.

“I guess it’s not so bad,” the mustached guard admitted. “At my last job a piano-playing fox man tried to kill me lol.”

“…I’m not even going to ask.”

“And a bear man that tried to touch my no-no square.” His eyes widened as he flashed back. “So many damn furry robots …”

Chris sighed. “Look, if we’re gonna be working together, we should at least know each other’s names.”

The other guard snapped out of his flashback. “Lol that’s gay.”

“… How?”

“Jks, man. Jks.”

Chris blinked. “Okay…? Well, my name is Chris.”

“You can call me by my YouTubes name,” the other guard replied. “Swagmaster696969696969696–”

“Okay, I get it.”

“So who’s the boss around here? Who do I talk to about my refund?”

Chris sighed.

[Time for Teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies! ]

“Oh shit,” Chris muttered, getting stiff.

“Wut?” Swag looked around. “What’s going on?!”

“…Why did you sing that?”

“Reference lol.”

“…Anyways, you wanted to meet the boss?” Chris asked. “Well, he’s coming.”

“Omg finally I was getting tired of – OH JEEBUS CHRIST WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?!”

Into the facility walked a red Teletubbie wearing a red top hat with white stripes.

“That’s Tubbie Wonka, our boss,” Chris replied. “Please treat him with some respect.”

“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD 2SPOOPY4ME HELP HELP HELP CHRIS MAKE IT GO AWAY!”

Swag backed into a corner, panicking. Tubbie Wonka cast a look towards Chris.

“…Sigh.”

“Lol I’m never asking for that refund now,” Swag said, now calm(er).

“Good. You weren’t gonna get it, anyways.”

“Wow. Sad face, Chris. Sad face.”

“…Wut?”

“:(”

“How… I… what… how did… how did you even pronounce that?”

“My capabilities are beyond your understanding, Chris.”

“…I’m done trying to understand you.”

“My point exactly lol.”

Chris sighed and looked up… only to see someone duck behind a doorway.

“…Swag.”

“Lolololololol.”

“Swag, there’s an intruder.”

“Lol who cares?”

“Swag, our job is to stop them!”

“Chris. Look.”

Swag looked up and began to spin while T-Posing.

“I am the Swagcopter lololol.”

“Jesus Christ…”

“SWOISWOISWOISWOI–”

Chris pulled out a rifle and rushed after the figure as he ran away. He managed to get a decent look at him – he was dressed in a tux with a ninja mask.

The chase wrapped around back to Swag and Chris’ original post. As the ninja past Swag, he swung his leg out, hitting the guard directly between the legs. He let out a distorted cry of pain, falling to the ground as the ninja ran off.

“My BaLlS…”

Chris paused as he rounded the corner.

“Oh shit.”

He ran over to the fallen guard. “Swagmaster, are you okay?”

“Do I fucking look okay to you dumbass?”

Swag coughed weakly. “Chris… come close…”

Chris leaned down over the other guard.

“Chris…” Swag muttered. “Before I awesomely die, I need you to do something for me…”

“Seek medical attention?”

“What? No! Boobs, Chris. Boobs. Bring them to me, quickly. Only boobs can fix everything–”

Chris pulled out a pellet gun and shot Swag in the gut.

“Alright, where’s that mofo?!” the now-recovered Swag shouted, running ahead of Chris angrily. 

Chris sighed. “Swag, if we’re gonna find this guy, we gotta be careful.”

“Bitch being careful is for pussies.”

“Swag.”

“Condescending tones don’t work on me Chris.”

It was then that a man came around the corner. He was dressed in green. His name tag read “Greg”.

“Oh hello, my good sirs–”

“Shut up, bitch.”

“Hey! That’s very rude–

“Nipple twist.”

Swag twisted Greg’s nipples as he ran past, causing the man to fall to the ground, crying in pain.

“Swag! That was Greg, one of our superiors!”

“So?”

“...Sigh.”

Before long, the two rounded another corner, running straight into an old lady.

“OH JEEBUS CHRIS IT’S AN OLD PERSON!”

“How did she get back here?” Chris wondered aloud. “Ma’am, you need to get out of here–”

The lady turned around. “RAISINS!”

She then pulled out an AK-47 and began shooting wildly.

“SHITSHITSHITSHIT!”

Once out of danger, Chris banged his head into the wall. “What even is happening today?”

“I dunno,” Swag replied. “But I’m gonna find that Butt Ninja if it’s the last thing I do.”

“...Let’s just split up. We need to get past crazy lady first.”

“Leave that to me.”

Swag pulled Greg up. “Yo Greg there’s an elderly person over there. She needs help crossing the street or something.”

Greg smiled. “Greg is here to help!”

Greg ran into the next room.

“Hello, madam–”

“RAISINS!”

As the lady fired at Greg madly, Swag and Chris snuck past. There were two doorways on the other side of the room.

“Alright, Swag. I go left, you go right.”

“Right up your mother’s pussy lol.”

Chris sighed. “Just go.”

“Where is that guy…?” Chris muttered, entering the men’s restroom. He saw someone standing in one of the stalls.

“There you are…”

Chris grabbed the handle, rifle in hand. He swung the door open and aimed the rifle inside.

“FREEZE!”

Chris paused. Within the stall stood Morgan Freeman, holding a book.

“Everyone Poops, as read by Morgan Freeman,” Morgan said. “And frankly, I don’t give a shit.”
Morgan Freeman then exploded.

“...The fuck?”

“Where are you Butt Ninja?” Swag asked as he ran around the facility.

“Excuse me sir,” Greg said as he rounded the corner. “I don’t mean to be rude, but you should really apologize for earlier–”

“NIPPLE TWIST.”

Greg fell to the ground, crying in pain as Swag continued.

In the next room, Swag found the ninja looking around.

“There you are Butt Ninja,” Swag growled. The ninja turned around to face the guard. Both their eyes narrowed as they stood off.

“Looks like it’s time… for my special move,” Swag said dramatically. He rose, staring the ninja down…

He then pulled out a pair of shades and put them on. Rave music began to play. Multi-colored lights shone from God knows where. And Swag began dancing as his personal “Swag party” began.

The ninja’s eye twitched as he desperately tried not to give in to the music as Swag danced.

“SWAG. SWAG. SWAG. SWAG. So much SWAAAAAAGGGG.”

The ninja finally caved, joining Swag in dancing to the rave music.

“Swag, what’s going on in here?”

Chris walked in to see the the ninja stop dancing and the lights and music to disappear, leaving Swag dancing and chanting “Swag” over and over.

“Dammit, Chris,” he muttered after half a minute. “You screwed up my swag!”

“Uh… what?”

“Bitch why do you think I’m called Swagmaster?”

Chris blinked. “I thought you were just desperate for friends…”

“What no I have friends Butt Ninja is my friend!”

The ninja then shot Swag in the balls and ran for it, ducking into the women’s bathroom.

“Come on, Swag!” Chris shouted.

“I am mortally wounded…” Swag drawled. “Go on without me…”

“Okay.”

Swag jumped back up. “Bitch what?”

“Here,” Chris said, stopping in front of the ladies’ room. “He went in here.”

“Oh hell no.” Swag backed up. “That’s the womens’ restroom. I ain’t goin’ in there. That’s where girls shit. Shit ain’t hot Chris.”

Chris sighed. “Jesus Christ, Swag. We have a job to do. Just go.”

“Fine.” Swag huffed. “But if I get cooties you owe me two hundred dollars.”

“If I had two hundred dollars I wouldn’t be working here.”

The two opened the door.

“EVERYONE SHUT UP!” Swag shouted. “THIS IS A MILITARY OPERATION!”

“Swag, we’re security guards in a spaghetti factory.”

“WE ARE COMING TO FIND BUTT NINJA! PLEASE REMAIN CALM!”

Swag kicked open the first door. “Nope.”

He moved to the second. “Nope.”

He opened the third. Inside stood someone they’d hoped not to see ever again.

“RAISINS!”

“JEEBUS CHRIST NO!”

The fourth stall, however, had an open vent above it.

“He must have gone through there,” Chris said. “Swag…”

“Lol nope.”

“I’ll give you five bucks.”

“...Aight bet.”

Swag jumped onto the toilet, reached up, and climbed into the vent.

“Well, our work on those new rat killers is done, Mark,” a technician said to a man dressed in a yellow uniform as he dusted his hands off. “Should we go ahead and test these blatant safety hazards?”
“Lol do it.”

Chris looked up at the vents. “Anything?”
“Not yet.”

Suddenly, a stream of fire erupted through the vent. Swag began screaming “Shit” over and over.

“Well, I’ve looked,” Chris muttered as he returned to his post. “No sign of the ninja. He must have escaped the premises. We don’t even have any information on him to help us locate him.”

“Damn,” Swag muttered as he brushed ash from his hair. “So… we don’t tell any1 about this, right?

“Agreed.”

And the two stood there, on guard, until their shift was up.

“Were you able to retrieve it?”

The ninja shook his head.

The man before him, dressed in a black suit, sighed. “The boss won’t like this… we’ll have to be more precise from here on out. And more tactical. Go rest up – we have a long day of planning tomorrow.”

The ninja sighed, walking off and leaving his fellow employee alone.

Chapter Text

“It’s here! It’s here!”

Luigi groaned as he woke to the sound of Mario’s excited shouts. He got out of his bed, rubbing his eyes. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and it was a nice, peaceful day. Most days had been, ever since Bowser’s defeat a month prior.

“What’s-a here, Mario?”

“It’s the Mushroom Ball tonight!” Mario said excitedly. “Mario’s actually allowed to go this time!”

Luigi smiled. “Oh yeah! Peach is probably gonna want our help getting ready–”

“Awwwww, but Mario doesn’t want to work.”

Luigi smirked. “If you help, Mario, the ball might come faster. Including the food.”

“OOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

Mario grinned, rushing to the door. “Let’s-a go, then!”

It wasn’t long before Luigi had gotten dressed. He joined Mario outside, hopping in their car and making for the castle. However, unknown to the pair, they were being watched from the shadows. A figure observed their departure, scowling at the two. “Alright… here we go.”

“A little to the left – no, no, your other left!”

Barrage sighed as he and SMG4 moved the banner, which read “Mushroom Ball”, about six inches to the left. On the ground below, Toadsworth scrutinized it thoroughly. Off to the side, Babeh watched his brother, a Toad with glasses named Frankie.

“Perfect!” he said, smiling. “Thank you for your help, boys.”

“Of course!” SMG4 said as he and X finished hanging the banner and jumped back to the floor. “I’ve never been to one of these before! What’s it like?”

“Oh, it’s wonderful! Every two years, in early June, we celebrate the formation of the Mushroom Kingdom and the peace it brought to the continent. In fact, the next Mushroom Ball will celebrate the Kingdom’s 200th–”

Suddenly, the entrance exploded, and Mario popped in. Luigi sighed and followed him in.

“Where’s-a the food?!”

SMG4 sighed. “It’s not ready yet. Why don’t you help us decorate the castle?”

“Awwwwwww…”

“Remember, Mario,” Luigi said. “The faster we get this done…”

“The faster Mario gets FOOD!” The plumber shouted joyfully. “Let’s-a go!”

That night, SMG4 opened the door of the castle to greet the partygoers.

“Welcome to the Mushroom Ball, guys!” he said cheerfully. Among the guests he recognized were MM, RM, Onyxking, X, FM, Crimson, Kaijak, Fawn, Pink, Captain Toad, the BattleToads (aside from Barrage and Babeh, who were already present), ADD, GD, MCG, Ben, and Slenderman, plus some other school friends of his such as EpicYoshiFan and Cloud64.

“This is quite the party, huh?” X muttered.

“Yeah!” FM looked around. “Reminds me of that party the club had just before you showed up, X!”

“Didn’t Star… he say that you were the reason we didn’t do parties after that?”

“Yeah… I tried to adopt a penguin.”

“You mean steal?”

“Yeah, I mean steal. From the zoo. In my defense, I was drunk as hell.”

Elsewhere SMG4 grinned.

“I haven’t been to a proper party before,” he said to Mario and SLG4. “They got banned at Hobowarts thanks to FM.”

“WHY ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THAT AT THE SAME TIME?!”

“Mario’s gonna have some fun!” Mario looked over to the drinks table. “Imma go get some beer!”

“MARIO, NO!”

Toad groaned as Frankie and Ben kept trying to rope him into their roleplaying session, Toadsworth watching with a smile on his face. 

“I want to die.”

Captain Toad and the BattleToads stood off to the side, talking to RM about potential places to explore.

“I really want to explore that crevice outside the kingdom,” RM noted. “But SMG4 is adamant that I don’t. Actually, Toad was as well, when I mentioned it to him.”

“The crevasse?” Captain Toad thought. “I’m not aware of anything that’s happened involving that, whatever it is. All I know is that it opened up a few years ago – May 7, 2011, to be specific. Coincides with the USB, oddly enough...”

“We should go!” Bravo said cheerfully.

“Maybe,” Captain Toad muttered. “How about we join up sometime and ask Peach about it?”

“Sure!” RM took out his phone. “You got a number? I want to stay in contact. We can prepare early enough to be ready to go as soon as the expedition is approved!”

Captain Toad grinned, taking out his phone. “Great minds think alike.”

Onyxking sighed as he watched the others interact.

“You alright, man?” Cloud64 asked, walking over to Onyxking alongside MCG.

“I’m fine,” he said. “I just wish Zelus was here.”

“Who?”

“An Inkling friend of mine.” Onyxking smiled. “She’d like this kind of thing. Of course, she has some Splatfest stuff she needs to take care of, too, if she wants to get in this year.”

“She got a team?”

“She’s… working on it. A lot of Inklings are still… prejudiced against other species. That Octoposse team faced a lot of flak when they joined, and they know Zelus is friends with me, a human. So…”

“I’m sure she’ll get through it.” MCG smiled. “I mean, she can be friends with you, Mr. All-Inklings-are-14.”

“Oh my God, she corrected me on that!” the cyan and yellow recolor shouted. “Why can’t I just get a break?!”

Peach watched the partygoers below and smiled. It was so… peaceful. Mario, thankfully, hadn’t done anything yet, and SMG4 seemed to be doing his job at keeping him away from the drinks. Everything was per–

A scream reverberated through the castle. Everyone went silent. FM’s head turned 180 degrees.

“POLICE MODE ENGAGED!”

FM ran off towards the sound of the scream. X, Mario, Luigi, and SMG4 quickly followed.

In the next room, a Mario recolor lay on the floor in a pool of blood. His throat was slit.

“Oh, God…” SMG4 muttered. X just stared in horror. FM studied the scene. Mario looked at the man blankly.

“Ooooo… looks like someone had too much-a spaghetti.”

SMG4 punched him in the face.

“Well?”

Peach looked to the officer as he examined the body. He looked awfully strange – his body was one of a realistic human. He was dressed in a white button-up shirt, blue pants, and black shoes, with a long blue tie wrapped around his… neck?… and running down his shirt. A utility belt, filled with dozens of gadgets useful for law enforcement. A golden badge on his chest read “Monitor”. His last name was a dead giveaway for his oddity – his head was a computer monitor, a face displayed on his monitor that almost looked hand-drawn. A police hat was balanced atop it, defying physics and staying on whenever he moved. The officer rose, a serious look on his screen.

“I can confirm, Princess… it was MURDER.”

He spoke with the Speakonia Adult Male #2 text-to-speech voice. At the mention of the crime, his face suddenly changed to one of intense rage, being simply replaced with another expression as though it were a static image (which it was).

“Don’t worry, Peach,” FM said, standing beside him. “Hal and I will take care of this investigation.”

“Can… can Mario help, too?”

Hal Monitor glared at Mario. The Italian froze, feeling a surprisingly strong fear spreading through his body under the police officer’s intense gaze.

Hal’s screen suddenly changed, replacing his angry face with a smiling one. “Why of course! The more the merrier!”

SMG4 sighed. “Well if he’s going, I’m gonna have to keep him out of trouble. Say, where’s Luigi? He wasn't at the party.”

“He had something else to do,” Mario said. “Must be stupid.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“What do you think?!” Luigi cried. “My therapist turns out to be my friend’s worst enemy! Are… are you gonna try to… to hurt me?”

SMG3 sighed. “Of course not, Luigi. I only hate SMG4. To dive into why would bring out a lot of hurt that I’ve been working to move beyond, so let’s just get into the rest of the session, shall we?”

Luigi nodded hesitantly.

“Good. Now, have you tried meditation? I think it’d work well for you…”

“Well, whatever it is, he’s not gonna be helping us,” SMG4 said. “Which means it’s me and Hal to manage you and FM. Unless…”

He turned to his other friend. “X, you gonna come?”

FM scoffed. “I don’t need X for my police work.”

“Actually, he’s right,” the cyan and green Mario recolor agreed. “When he does his police stuff, he’s a lot more serious than usual.”

As he finished, X flinched, and SMG4 noticed.

“You alright, man?”

“Yeah,” X said, even as he flinched a little bit again and rubbed his forehead. “I just… need to go home. I’m tired.”

“Gotcha.” He waved as X left the room. “See you tomorrow!”

“So…” Mario turned back to the officers. “What now?”

“Now…” Hal’s face got intense. “We need to interrogate the witnesses.”

“I was close to the door to the crime scene,” Crimson noted. “MM, ADD, and GD were with me. We were just chatting when we heard the screen. Before we could react, you went “police mode” and shoved us aside.”

“I see…” FM jotted notes down. “Yeah, checks out. I remember that. Did you notice anyone…”

His eyes darted back and forth. “…suspicious?”

“Er, no. Also, you… might want to keep your friend in check.”

FM glanced over to see Hal Monitor strangling Cloud64, shaking him viciously.

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE MURDER?”

“Mr. Monitor, WAIT!” FM ran off to stop the sheriff as Crimson shrugged and returned to his conversation with MM.

“I dunno,” Pink said with a shrug. “Anything, guys?”

Fawn and ADD shook their heads. GD, however, took a bit longer.

“Come to think of it, I haven’t seen Kaijak anywhere,” he noted. “He came to the party, I know that.”

SMG4 blinked in surprise. “Kai?”

“IT’S HIM! HE DID IT!” Mario shouted.

“No, Mario, I don’t think Kai–”

“You found them?”

The two turned as Hal Monitor peeked around the corner. He gazed at GD, his expression changing to fury as he charged full speed.

Everyone shouted in protest (to the sound of that one clip of a bunch of people shouting “No!” and “Don’t” that actual SMG4 uses all the time) as Mr. Monitor closed in, the area turning red as a distorted sound played louder and louder.

“Kaijak?” RM looked confused. “I don’t think he did it. But yeah, I haven’t seen him in a while…”

FM jotted RM’s testimony down. “Thanks, man. I’ll get back to the others.”

The four met up again to discuss.

“So Kai missing is a constant,” SMG4 muttered.

“Seems that way,” FM noted. “But you know who else was strangely missing? Who else wasn’t at the party?”

“Luigi?”

“Not Luigi, he’s too nice. No – I’m talking about EpicYoshiFan!”

“…who?”

“That other guy? Yellow and cyan but not Onyxking? Pale white skin?”

“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

SMG4 sighed as Mario just gazed at FM stupidly. “Forget him. You think it’s EYF?”

“Him or Kaijak.”

Suddenly, a flushing noise was heard from a nearby door. It opened, and EYF emerged.

“Sorry it took so long, guys. It took forever to find the bathroom.” He looked up at the group. “…What?”

“Sir, you are under suspicion of doing something… ILLEGAL,” Hal Monitor said calmly, despite his face looking utterly enraged. “Please come quietly so we may interrogate you.”

“Uh… okay.”

“Where were you at 6:00 PM last night?”

“I told you,” EYF muttered. “I was looking for the bathroom. Kai was over talking to some guy I don’t know. Wore white and black, had slightly darker skin than X.”

“So it is Kaijak!” Mario exclaimed. “Let’s-a go!”

“Woah, now,” FM said, holding out a hand to stop Mario. “This is where you guys take a break.”

“What?”

“Sorry, but you’re not taking part in an active criminal pursuit,” Hal Monitor said. “That is for the police to handle.”

SMG4 shrugged. “Makes sense. C’mon, Mario.”

“Awwwww… Mario wanted to take a bad guy down again…”

As the two left, FM turned to Hal.

“Justice mobile time?”

“JUSTICE MOBILE TIME.”

The police car stopped in front of Kaijak’s house.

“Alright, let me take care of this,” FM said. He walked up to the door and knocked. 

Kaijak answered the door. He looked over FM, his red and brown eyes glinting in the sunlight, and sighed. “Oh. You.”

“Uh, yeah, hi, Kai.” FM chuckled. “Listen, man, we need to talk. Say, what’s with your–”

Kaijak suddenly grabbed him and dragged him into the house.

“Oh no!”

Hal Monitor jumped out of the car and ran inside, whipping out his pistol.

“Where are you, criminal?!” he said as he swept the area. “You cannot hide from JUSTICE!”

It was then that FM emerged from the shadows, panting.

“FM, are you alright?” Hal asked, leaning down to his fellow officer.

FM smiled. “Yeah… yeah, I’m just FINE!”

He punched Hal Monitor in the face, and everything went dark.

“I wonder what’s taking them so long,” X muttered.

“Eh, they’re fine,” Mario replied as he devoured a plate of spaghetti whole.

“I dunno…” SMG4 muttered. “Maybe we should–”

“Guys!”

Luigi ran up to the three, waving a piece of paper.

X sat up, curious. “What’s going on, Luigi?”

“I-It’s-a horrible!”

SMG4 took the note and read it. The lines were written in cursive.

Hello, SMG4, Mario, Luigi. If you want to see your friend, come to Kaijak18’s house alone. I'll be waiting.                

            – An Old Pal

“Dammit, it was Kai!” SMG4 growled.

“Now, hang on a moment.” X picked the note back up. “Kai is referred to in the third person. If it was him, it’d be first.”

“Weird…” SMG4 looked over it again. “The handwriting is different, too. Kai doesn’t use cursive if he can help it.”

“It says it’s an old pal…” Luigi muttered. “You don’t think it’s-a EM64 again?”

“Nah,” SMG4 muttered. “He’d sign it as himself. He has too big of an ego not to. Maybe SMG3?”

“Doesn’t seem like his style,” X noted. “He’s never targeted anyone other than you, SMG4. For him to change that up without reason… it doesn’t make sense.”

“Well, let’s-a go beat up the bad guy!” Mario said.

After a moment, SMG4 shrugged. “Eh, it’ll get us answers.”

“I’m coming, too,” X said.

“B-But X,” Luigi muttered, shaking a bit. “The note says for only us three to come!”

“He’s right, X.” SMG4 looked back at his friend. “We’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.”

X huffed, but relented, turning away.

“C’mon, guys, let’s go.” SMG4 turned and walked towards the castle door, followed by Mario and Luigi.

“Oh yeah!” Mario shouted. “It’s-a time to kick some ass!”

As they left, X froze. He rubbed his forehead as a slight pain coursed across it. Brief, but noticeable.

“What now…?”

Hal Monitor’s screen flickered on. He found himself strapped to a table, his weapons stripped of him.

“FightingMario54321! Why are you working with this CRIMINAL?”

There was no response.

Hal looked around, his eyes falling on a nearby chair. FM was chained to it, beginning to wake up.

“…What?”

“Hello, Officer Monitor.”

Kaijak emerged from the shadows. Hal’s screen went to rage.

“WHAT IS THIS?”

“A bit of payback,” he said, smiling. “Of course, I still need Luigi, Mario, and SMG4, but I’m sure they’ll come running when they learn about FM here falling into my clutches.”

“What revenge?” FM asked, now conscious. “What did they do to you, Kai?”

The other Mario recolor chuckled. “Oh, they’ve done nothing to Kaijak. He’s just collateral of their actions. Against me, specifically.”

“What?” Hal Monitor’s eyes narrowed. “Wait…”

“The gears are turning, I see.” He chuckled, his red and brown eyes glinting in the light. “Come on, Hal. Think. The one prisoner who’s escaped under your watch. Your singular failure in your remarkably successful six-month tenure. Fairly recent, too.”

Hal’s became even more enraged, visualized by the white background turning blood red. “It’s you…”

Kai grinned. “Yep. It’s me. And you’re going to watch me win.”

Suddenly, the front door flew in.

“Alright!” SMG4 snarled. “Hand FM and Mr. Monitor over!”

“Y-Yeah!” Luigi stuttered. “Let our friends go!”

“Or don’t,” Mario added. “Then Mario gets to kick your ass!”

The trio froze as Kaijak stared at them, smiling.

“…Kai?”

“Not quite, SMG4,” “Kaijak” said, chuckling. “Allow me to reintroduce myself–”

“IT’S–”

Kaijak rammed his fist into Hal’s screen, cracking it and knocking the officer out.

“Ugh. I hate spoilers,” he muttered. He turned back to the others. “Sorry, let’s try this again.”

He opened his mouth, and black smoke began to pour out of both it and his eyes. Kaijak collapsed as the smoke took form in front of him. A familiar figure gazed at the trio, their trademark red and brown eyes shining. The white pupil of their red eye narrowed in glee.

“Miss me?” Z asked, a grin on their face.

Chapter Text

“Z?!” Mario exclaimed, backing away.

“You’re-a that guy who possessed Mario!” Luigi cried. “Are… are you going to do it again?”

Z scoffed. “Of course not. That idiot isn’t worth bodyjacking again, especially when pay’s not involved. I’m here for revenge alone.”

“I thought you were arrested!” SMG4’s eyes narrowed. “How did you escape?”

Z smiled. “Well, you see…”

One month ago…

“Here’s your food.”

Z huffed as a platter was slid into their cell. A prison guard wearing gray camo with black hair and a goatee stood before them. His name tag read “Gordman”, and his voice sounded like the Microsoft Mike text-to-speech voice.

“You need to eat, Z,” the guard said. “You have to be ready for your trial.”

Z remained silent. The guard sighed and walked off before being intercepted by a higher-up – Hal Monitor.

“Christopher. How’s the prisoner?”

“They’re still not eating, sir,” he muttered. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, they have an interrogation scheduled in five minutes,” Hal said. “So you need to go get them.”

“Yes, sir.”

Chris turned and headed back to the cell, not knowing that Z had overheard their conversation. The black-clad prisoner quickly began eating as Chris arrived.

“Of course now you decide to eat,” he muttered. “Come on, you have an interrogation scheduled for now.”

As Z finished their meal, Chris opened the cell. Now refreshed by food, Z smiled as Chris reached down to handcuff them.

In one swift move, they grabbed Chris by the hands and, eyes glowing, tried to take over the man’s body.

“WHAT THE HELL?!” Chris jerked himself free from Z’s grasp and reached for his rifle. Z wasted no time in grabbing the knife off of his tray and rushing forward, slashing at the guard. Chris attempted to sidestep, but the knife managed to slice over his left eye.

As Chris recoiled from the pain, Z again attempted to take Chris’ body – and this time, they succeeded.

Puppeteering Chris, he walked out of the cell and towards the exit.

“Christopher? Where is the prisoner?”

Z paused, turning to see Hal Monitor standing there. He combed through his options quickly, and settled on one.

He quickly pulled out a rifle and opened fire.

“CHRISTOPHER, WHAT IS THIS?” Hal shouted, diving out of the way as a number of Mario recolor officers rushed in, shouting one of their catchphrases. 

“STAHP RIGHT THERE!”

Z growled, kicking the door open and running out. Quickly abandoning Chris, they hopped in a police car and drove off, leaving the man on the ground to be found.

Hal loomed over Chris. He noticed Z speeding away in the car and realized what had happened.

“Get him before he does something else ILLEGAL,” he shouted. Two officers hopped in a car and pursued the escapee as Hal knelt next to Chris as he regained consciousness. The knife cut ran deep across his eye, and his eyelid was squeezed shut, making it evident that the wound was severe. He looked up at Hal and sighed, his head falling back against the ground. 

“I’m fired, aren’t I?”

“Suspended.” Hal sighed. “That was in part my fault. I neglected to inform you of Z’s abilities. You will be suspended for about two months, but you may return once that period has ended.”

Chris closed his one good eye. “Dammit.”

“…and that’s what happened.”

“Huh,” SMG4 muttered. “That Chris guy sounds interesting. Maybe we’ll see more of him?”

“Why would you think that?” Luigi asked.

“…No reason.”

“Anyways,” Z growled, pulling the trio’s attention back to them. “I quickly did some research on you, found Kaijak18, took him over, attended that party, killed that rando, and then took my leave. Laying out the clues so that Hal would eventually find me was my favorite part.”

“Wow, man,” SMG4 muttered. “You are messed up.”

“Eh, I’m vengeful.” Z waved him off. “But what are you gonna do?”

“THIS.”

Hal, now awake,  suddenly wrenched his arm free of his restraints. Z squeaked, quickly running to the door.

“We’ll get him!” SMG4 shouted as he and Mario rushed toward the door. “Luigi, get them free!”

“Okie-dokie!”

SMG4 and Mario exited the house to see Z speeding away in Kaijak’s car. The two hopped into SMG4’s car and followed.

As they sped along the roads of Oviscity, Z looked in the mirror to see the two approaching. They growled.

“Gotta get somewhere safe,” they muttered. “Somewhere I can take my revenge properly.”

“Mario! Do something!” SMG4 shouted.

“Okay!” Mario opened up the window and climbed onto the roof of the car.

“NOT THAT!”

Mario looked around, quickly noticing Wario and Waluigi standing on the side of the street. A blocky green lizard wearing a yellow shirt with a Power Star on it and a pair of glasses with spirals on the lenses listened with interest.

“That’s-a right!” Wario said, grinning while holding a Magic 8 Ball. “You’re gonna love this one! It will guarantee that you get bitches! That’s right, you get bitches!”

“Ooooohh.” The lizard nodded. “But… can it get you waifus?”

Wario blinked. “Uhhh… sure! Who says 2D girls don’t count as bitches?”

The lizard pulled out his wallet, a wide smile on his face. “I’LL TAKE YOUR ENTIRE STOCK!”

“BiTcH hElL nO.”

The lizard turned around to see Bob Bobowski standing behind him.

“ThAt BaLl Is MiNe!” He paused, looking around. “HeY, hE pUlLeD tHrOuGh! I cAmE bA–”

Suddenly, SMG4’s car zoomed by, running over Bob in the process. In a swift motion, Mario grabbed Waluigi. The lanky, purple-clad man screamed in terror as he was pulled away. Wario and the lizard just watched.

“…Soooooo, uh…”

“Francis.”

“…you still gonna buy it?”

“YYYEEEEEEEEEEESSS!”

“HeLlO sMg4! CaN i Be In YoUr ViDeOs?”

SMG4 activated the wipers, pushing Bob off the windshield and onto the street.

“At LeAsT i ShOwEd Up LoL.” Bob looked around as he stood up, glancing back at Francis and Wario, then towards Waluigi as Mario held him aloft. SMG3 walked along the sidewalk not too far up the street. “BuT wHy Do I fEeL lIkE i HaVe SoMeThInG iN cOmMoN wItH eVeRyOnE hErE?”

After a moment, he shrugged. “Eh. I’vE gOt HeNtAi To WaTcH.”

Mario gave Waluigi a chop on the back of the neck, stiffening the man. He aimed him at the car ahead of them.

“WALUIGI LAUNCHER™!”

Mario fired, sending Waluigi flying into the car and causing it to explode.

“Yippee!” Mario began to dance.

“Mario… that was the wrong car.”

Mario looked again to see that SMG4 was right.

“…ooooooooooo.”

SMG3 casually walked along the street, humming to himself. It was a tune he had been working on for a while now, something he saw as his own. SMG4 didn’t make music, so he couldn’t be copying the more popular YouTuber this time. SMG4 couldn’t antagonize him over this.

An explosion sounded nearby. He looked up to see a flaming car flying towards him.

“HOLY JESUS!” 

SMG3 dove out of the way as the car slammed into the ground. He groaned, looking up as another car sped by, SMG4 at the wheel and Mario standing on the roof.

“Of freaking course,” he grumbled. “Because life always finds a way for SMG4 to screw me over.”

“Find something else!” SMG4 shouted up to Mario. The plumber looked around, searching for something to attack Z with.

“Hmmm…”

An idea popped into his head. Mario grabbed his nose and stretched it to an absurd length.

“Mario, what are you doing?!”

“It’s alright! Mario’s got 4 IQ!”

Mario jumped forward, his face landing on the roof of the car and pushing his nose down… only for it to act as a spring, launching Mario forward towards Z’s car.

Z blinked as they heard a thud atop the car.

“Ooohh, my head…”

They growled upon hearing Mario’s familiar voice, and began swerving in an attempt to throw him off. Mario struggled to hang on, but was eventually thrown off, tumbling across the asphalt and coming to a stop.

SMG4 pulled up beside him. “Any more brilliant ideas?”

“Hey! Shut up!”

Once Mario was back in the vehicle, they began to chase Z down again.

“Where did they go…?” SMG4 muttered.

“Hmmm…” Mario looked around.

Suddenly, the two froze as they heard a sound playing from somewhere else. An oddly… familiar song…

See your body into the moonlight

Even if I try to cancel

All the pictures into the mind

There’s a flashing in my eyes

“What’s-a that?” Mario muttered, looking around.

SMG4’s eyes narrowed. “Wait…”

Don’t you see my commission, the nation

Has gone running again?

Can’t you see now, illusions

Right into your mind?

“Wait!” SMG4’s eyes widened. “I watched this with Kev! That’s–”

DEJA VU!

Z’s car slammed into the side of SMG4’s, sending it flying across the street and landing with a fiery crash .

SMG4 climbed out of the wreckage, groaning. He managed to get to his feet, looking around before noticing something was missing.

“…Mario?”

Z smiled as they sped away from the site of the crash, turning their radio off. They’d have to get their proper revenge later. For now, this was enough.

They sighed. “I’ll be back, SMG4… and then, you’ll be sorry.”

It was then that Mario popped up in the passenger seat.

“Hello!”

Taken off guard by Mario’s sudden appearance, Z lost control of the vehicle briefly. Brief as it was, it was long enough. By the time Z returned their attention to the road, they were on a direct collision course with a nearby building.

“MotherFU–”

Z was cut off as the car crashed in a fiery explosion.

SMG4 limped around the corner to see the flaming wreckage of Kaijak’s car. A quick glance allowed him to catch a sight of Mario, lying on the ground nearby.

“Mario!”

SMG4 rushed over to his friend, trying to rouse him. However, Mario didn’t move. SMG4 closed his eyes, lip quivering, ready to mourn his friend.

“Hey, SMG4! Did we win?”

SMG4 opened his eyes to see Mario staring up at him with a stupid grin on his face. He chuckled. “Yeah, Mario. We won.”

He set Mario down and walked over to the main wreckage as the Italian got himself back to his feet. However, as he searched through it, something felt… off.

“…Wait.” His eyes widened. “WHERE’S–”

SMG4 was cut off as Z grabbed him by the back of the head, eyes glowing.

“Fine,” they growled. “I’ll deal with you myself.”

SMG4 felt a dark presence invade his mind. He cried out for help... as Z screamed.

Suddenly, the presence was gone. SMG4’s mind was still his. The YouTuber collapsed to the ground, breathing heavily, as Z recoiled away from him.

“Wh… What the hell was that?!” they muttered, gazing at their hands in shock. “Why can’t… I don’t… it doesn’t…”

They looked back up at SMG4, their eyes narrowing in confusion and… almost… fear? “Wh-What… are you?”

After a moment of just staring at the other Mario recolor, Z turned and ran around the corner. Mario began to pursue them, but then looked back at SMG4. Making a quick decision, he knelt down next to his friend.

“SMG4?”

SMG4 winced, clutching his head. “Ow… ah, man, that hurt.”

Mario blinked. “What? It didn’t hurt for Mario.”

“I know.” SMG4 stood back up. “You weren’t the one they tried to possess.”

“But they did possess Mario before, remember? And it didn’t hurt then.”

“Huh. Weird…”

A police car pulled up beside them. Out of it stepped Hal Monitor, FM, and Luigi.

“Mario!” Luigi rushed over to his brother. “Are you okay?”

“Mhm!” Mario grinned. “We kicked Z’s nonbinary ass!”

“Well… where are they?” FM asked, looking over the wreckage.

“Dunno.” SMG4 looked around the corner, but there was no sign of the mysterious bodysnatcher anywhere. “They tried to bodysnatch me and then just… stopped.”

“Well, you don’t need to worry about them,” Hal Monitor said. “The police will take care of the rest.”

“First things first, let’s get you guys home.” FM began to walk back to the police car. “C’mon!”

The others followed him in, and they drove off, the day’s work done.

“WAIT, WHERE’S KAI?!”

Kaijak jumped up, looking around his house. The door was wide open, chains scattered around. He recalled Z barging in and grabbing him, the vengeful thoughts in their shared mind…

“Dammit,” he muttered. “Again with hatred for Mario screwing me over…”

Chapter Text

At Bob-omb Battlefield, Mario grinned stupidly, holding a Goomba hat in his hand. SMG4 and SLG4 stood behind him.

“Mario, are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Relax, SMG4!” Mario put the hat over his head. “Mario’s gonna talk to Goombas… and NOBODY CAN STOP ME!”

“You’re just gonna let him do this?” SLG4 asked as Mario ran over to a pair of Goombas nearby.

“In what universe could I do anything to stop him? He’s too much of an idiot to listen.”

“Fair point.”

“…Say, I just had a thought.”

“Shoot.”

“People usually shorten my name to 4,” SMG4 noted. “But since your name ends in 4 as well–”

"Uhhhh... call me Kev or something, I dunno. Or just SLG4." SLG4 shrugged. "I don't care."

“I know!” Mario shouted. “I’ll try the mating call!”

Mario cleared his throat.

“YATATATATATATA YATATATATATATA–”

Suddenly, the ground began rumbling. 

“OH, GOD NOOO!” one of the Goombas shouted.

“RUN, BITCH! RUUUUUUUUNNNN!”

Mario paused. “Hm?”

A herd(?) of female Goombas came charging over the hill Mario leapt back and began running away as they chased him down.

Mario sulked back towards SMG4 and SLG4, a frown on his face.

“Thanks for helping,” he muttered sarcastically.

SMG4 smiled. “No problem!”

Mario’s eye twitched in anger.

“Forget it!” he growled. “Mario’s gonna go play with the Chain Chomp instead!”

SMG4 and SLG4 froze. Mario ran towards the Chain Chomp as the shouted protests. Mario stopped, growling, before turning around to face the two. “WHAT IS IT?!”

“Mario, that is a Chain Chomp,” SLG4 emphasized. “Those things are extremely dangerous.”

“Kev’s right,” SMG4 added. “Just… step away…”

Mario stood still for a moment before his eyes assuming their “idiot” positions.

“Oh, nooooooo …” He began backing towards the Chain Chomp. “That’s… not…”

SMG4 groaned. “C’mon, Mario, now’s not the time to go full idiot mode!”

Mario leapt atop the pole and began dancing as SMG4 and SLG4 continued trying to get him off.

Unknown to the trio, they were being watched by a Bob-omb Buddy from a nearby watchtower. His eyes narrowed as he looked down to another one next to the cannon.

“DEY TOOK OUR JOB!”

“DEY TOOK OUR JOB?!”

“TOOK OUR JOB!”

“TERK ER JERB!”

The Bob-omb Buddy on the ground activated the cannon. It emerged from the ground and took aim. The head of an extremely fat Shy Guy, named Gourmet Guy, emerged.

“HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“FIRE!”

The cannon fired, sending Gourmet Guy flying through the sky. As he flew, he began singing as a winged Shy Guy holding a piece of toast, known as Toast Guy, flew by.

Gourmet Guy: I believe I can fly.

I believe I can touch the sky.

Mario paused and looked up as Gourmet Guy fell towards him. He jumped off of the pole and attempted to run for it, only for Gourmet Guy to land on him anyways.

SMG4 and SLG4 gasped in horror, running over to Mario… or, in SMG4’s case, the pope holding the Chain Chomp in place.

“Are you okay, pole?” SMG4 asked, hugging the wooden pole. SLG4 gave him… a look.

SMG4 glared at Gourmet Guy. “Good job, fatass! You almost set the Chomp free!”

Gourmet Guy: This is what I do, I sit on you,

Sit on you, sit on you.

This is what I do, I sit on you –

Right on your lap.

Mario suddenly kicked Gourmet Guy off of him, shouting “YOUSONUVABITCH!”. Gourmet Guy landed atop the pole, crushing it.

SMG4 and SLG4 froze and began backing up.

“Run, bitch! RUUUUUUNNNNNN!” SMG4 shouted as he and SLG4 took off.

“Hm?” Mario turned to see that the Chain Chomp was free… and had set its sights on him. Old Man Hobo watched from nearby, quickly pulling out a microphone and singing Who Let The Dogs Out?.

The plumber took off as the Chain Chomp lunged at him. He quickly caught up with SMG4 and SLG4 as they sprinted back towards the Warp Pipe. The Chain Chomp landed behind them, barking as it chased the trio down and Old Man Hobo continued singing.

A blue blur suddenly rushed in, stopping in the Chain Chomp’s path. Standing still, it looked like a blue anthropomorphic hedgehog. Seeing the hedgehog, the Chain Chomp stopped.

“WHO ARE YOU?”

“I’m Sonic!” the hedgehog said cheerfully. “Sonic the Hedgehog!”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS A SONIC?!”

The two stared at each other for a few seconds.

“...Wanna be friends?”

“Sure! But, uh, gotta do something now.”

Sonic turned around and began revving up. He grinned madly.

“I’VE GOT YOUR LIMIT – RIGHT HERE!”

Sonic then dashed off into the distance as the Chain Chomp continued pursuing Mario, SMG4, and SLG4.

Koopa Troopa Daniel, hearing the screaming, turned around.

“What’s with all this scream–”

He then saw the Chain Chomp as the lookalikes rushed past him.

“–OH MY FUCKING GAW–”

The Chain Chomp bowled over Daniel as the gang approached the Warp Pipe. Out of the pipe came Luigi.

“Mario?”

“Luigi!” Mario shouted as he and the others ran towards the pipe. “MOOOOOOOVE!”

“Huh?”

Mario rushed into the pipe, followed by the others. Upon seeing the Chain Chomp, Luigi screamed and followed them through. The Chain Chomp came afterward, stretching the Pipe as it entered.

Inside the castle, all was peaceful. Peach read a book, Toadsworth watched over her, Toad slept off in his corner, MCG played on a Game Boy, Babeh typed away on his computer, and Frankie drew in a coloring book on the floor.

Suddenly, Mario, SMG4, SLG4, and Luigi popped out of the Warp Pipe and burst out of the room. Everyone looked up, startled. 

“Mario?” Peach said. “What’s–”

“NO TIME!” SMG4 shouted. “GO, GO, GO!”

They quickly grabbed the others, dragging them into the TV room and slamming the door as the Chomp crashed into the living room.

Luigi huffed, taking a breath before falling backwards.

“What in the fuck was that about?!” Toad growled. “I was actually having a good time for once in my life!”

“That was us saving you from a Chain Chomp,” SLG4 snarked. “You can thank us later.”

“Hold on, back up.” MCG rubbed his forehead. “A Chain Chomp got in?”

“Don’t worry, guys.” SMG4 smiled. “As long as we stay here, everything will be fine!”

A high-pitched beeping noise rang through the castle.

“...?”

Peach’s eyes widened. “THE MEATLOAF!”

In the kitchen, the oven caught on fire as a result of being left on and unattended.

“Peach…” SMG4’s eye twitched. “Did you leave the oven on?”

“Yes…”

“You stupid BITCH!” SMG4 stared at the princess angrily.

“You were the one who dragged us in here without warning!” Toadsworth argued. “If anyone’s to blame, it’s you!”

“He’s… he’s not wrong, SMG4.”

“You’re supposed to be on my side, Kev!”

“Guys, just calm down,” Toad muttered. “My fellow Toads are reliable. They can handle this.”

The Toads screamed in pain as they caught on fire as the blaze spread from the oven to the entire kitchen.

Babeh cast a look to Toad as he observed via the castle’s cameras, linked to his laptop. “...You were saying?”

“Shut the hell up.”

“Say, Mario.” SLG4 turned to the plumber. “You got any surprise friends like Slenderman who can be ex machinas for us?”

“Hmm…” Mario thought of some of the friends he’d made between his meeting SMG4 and now.

Slenderman held up a teacup, then somehow sipped out of it without a mouth, as the forest around him burned around him. The group of campers nearby screamed as they ran around, also on fire. He happily admired his work as he continued drinking his tea.

Steve, a blocky human, hummed as he tended to his similarly-cubical animals. Unknown to him, a Creeper was sneaking up behind him, starting to hiss and glow…

Suddenly, some sort of scarecrow hopped in the way. It was made out of a pumpkin stuck onto a pole, little yellow eyes peeking out from under its straw hat. Its arms were made from sticks, with forks attached to each hand.

“Begone in the name of corn.”

The Creeper paused for a moment, then began to laugh. However, as a shadow fell over it, the monster paused and looked up.

The scarecrow’s arms were outstretched, its eyes now red. Floating above it was what seemed to be a whole field of corn.

“YOU DARE MOCK ROB, THE LORD OF CORN?”

The Creeper blinked, then turned around and ran in the opposite direction as fast as its stubby legs could carry it. Rob lowered his arms, and the corn piled into a nearby basket.

Steve looked back to see the Creeper running off. He reached over and patted Rob on the head.

“That’s my boy!”

“Hey! HEY! Gimme back my van!”

Waluigi and Wario ran as fast as they could after Siren Head, who was making off with a van labeled “Waluigi’s Taco Van”.

Mario shrugged. “Nope.”

Toad and Peach had started playing Mario Party in the background.

“Okay, I’ve got an idea,” Luigi said. He pulled out a hammer and a large wooden stake. “I’ll turn off the oven while Mario pins the Chain Chomp in place.”

“Better idea!” Mario shouted, grabbing Luigi.

“MARIO, WHAT ARE YOU–”

“FIRE!”

Mario tossed Luigi out of the room and onto the floor of the foyer. After a moment, the taller brother cautiously rose.

“Did it work?” Mario called from the safety of the other room. “Are you dead?”

“Uh… no?”

Mario, SMG4, MCG, and SLG4 stepped out.

“Huh,” SMG4 muttered. “Where’d it…?”

The three stopped as they heard a barking noise, getting louder and louder.

MCG looked around. “…Where is that coming from?”

Toad shouted in joy as he once again beat Peach in Mario Party. As the next game loaded, a Chain Chomp appeared on the screen… before a real Chain Chomp crashed through the screen.

“SURPRISE, MOTHAHFUCKAH!”

Toad and Peach jumped back, screaming, as the Chomp lunged at them.

Mario and the others jumped as the Chain Chomp crashed through the wall, sending Peach, Toad, Babeh, Frankie, and Toadsworth flying.

“OH GOD WHAT DO WE DO?!” Luigi shouted.

“Uhh…” MCG backed up.

“STAND BACK!”

Toadsworth leapt in the way. “I’ll take care of this! Babeh!”

Babeh sighed. “Grandpa, please don’t make me do this…”

“If you want to live, play the song!”

Babeh sighed, pulling out a radio and turning it on. I’m Not Yo Daddy, I’m Yo Grandpa by Biff Chitlins began playing as Toadsworth pulled out a giant-ass minigun and opened fire.

“GET OUT OF HERE!” he shouted.

SMG4 looked to SLG4 and nodded. SLG4 nodded back.

 “Princess, kids, follow us!” SLG4 shouted. “Mario, MCG, Luigi go the other way! Try to confuse this thing!”

“I’m not a kid…” Babeh muttered as he followed them out. Toad, meanwhile, just observed.

“Fuck this shit, I’m out.”

He leapt out the window.

Mario and MCG ran to the back door as Toadsworth continued firing… that is, until he inevitably ran out of ammo. It was then that the Chain Chomp pulled out a shotgun and blasted Toadsworth out the front door.

“WE’RE ALMOST THERE!” MCG shouted.

Suddenly, the Chain Chomp crashed through the back door.

“CRAP!” Luigi quickly turned around, with Mario following suit. “GET TO THE BASEMENT!”

The two ran into the basement and slammed the door behind them.

“Oh God…” MCG panted. “I… I think we lost it…”

At that, the sound of barking began growing louder.

“Welp.” Mario sat down, leaning against the wall. “That’s it. Bye-bye.”

“C’mon, don’t give up yet!”

“Princess… SMG4… Captain Toad… regular Toad, you SON OF A BITCH!”

The Chain Chomp crashed through the wall, approaching the trio.

Panicking, Luigi dug around in his pockets until he pulled out a Power Star. Acting in the heat of the moment, he threw the Star at the Chain Chomp. A flash of light later, and it now bore a resemblance, strangely, to Pac-Man.

“...Oh.”

Mario groaned. “You STUPID!”

The powered-up Chomp chased them around the maze of the basement like a Pac-Man game. As they ran, they stepped on a chess game between a depressed clown and a banana peel.

“Hey! I was winning!” the clown, Depresso, shouted angrily. He looked back at the banana peel, narrowing his eyes. “Yes I was. Don’t argue.”

After a moment, Depresso sighed and looked to the ground. “I am lonely.”

The Chomp eventually managed to corner them next to a strangely-placed warp pipe, barking loudly as the effect of the Power Star wore off.

“IT’S OVER!” Mario shouted. “TELL MY SPAGHETTI BOWL I LOVED HER!”

“Wait!” MCG reached into his pockets, pulling out another Power Star and holding it aloft. “I have THIS!”

Suddenly, Kamek appeared out of nowhere and grabbed it.

“Sorry, I need this.”

Kamek teleported away. Everyone just stared at where he’d been blankly.

“…Mario thinks we’re fucked.”

MCG’s eye twitched. Then, he burst.

“Okay, THAT’S IT! I AM SICK OF THIS SHIT!”

He pulled out a lit bomb, tossing it to his other hand and throwing it at the Chain Chomp. Time seemed to slow down as a sad look appeared in the Chomp’s eyes.

“I just wanted to be your friend…”

Luigi’s lip began to quiver. “I-I’m so sorry…”

Mario then leapt between them. “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!”

The bomb went off, sending the Chain Chomp flying into the distance.

MCG smiled. “Guess all’s well that ends well, huh?”

“The castle is wrecked,” Luigi pointed out. “Again.”

“All’s-a well that ends well,” Mario stated as the three walked towards the basement’s exit.

Back at Bob-omb Battlefield, the Bob-omb Buddy looked sadly at the place where his Chain Chomp was once kept. Two other Bob-ombs watched from nearby.

“They took his dog!” one said.

“DEY TERK HIS DERG!”

Then, the Chain Chomp fell from the sky, landing atop his owner and barking. The other two gawked.

“Ho-ly fuck.”

“IRT’S HIRS DERRRG!”

Chapter Text

It was a normal day inside the Mushroom Castle. Mario was eating spaghetti at a table decked out with fancy candles, Toad was being grumpy in the corner, Luigi was in another room preparing for an upcoming stream on his YouTube channel WeegeeGames, and FM, MCG, SLG4, Kaijak, RM, and SMG4 were playing SSEOITAB. All was well.

“Say,” SMG4 muttered. “I never did get X to tell me what those zombies were about.”

“Zombies?”

“Y’know, in the Nightmare Stone.”

“…Oh,  yeah. What was that about?”

“Any clue where he is? I haven’t seen him since the ball.”

“Last I saw, he and Ben were at–”

The door suddenly burst open. X ran in, Ben following as close as he could.

“…nevermind. Hey, X! SMG4 wanted to–”

“We don’t have time!” X shouted. “Scramble the army! Call Peach! Or… or… something!”

“Woah, man, calm down.” SMG4 paused the game and walked over to his friend. “What’s going on?”

“He’s coming… he’s coming…” X muttered, looking around frantically.

“X? Who’s coming? What’s going on?”

“Yeah!” Mario shouted. “You’re interrupting Mario’s very important date here!”

“I–”

There was a knock at the door.

Everyone froze. RM cautiously stepped towards the door.

“Wait!”

X’s shout was too late. RM swung the door open to reveal that, standing on the other side, was…

“Yo WhAt Up HoMiEs?”

RM blinked. “Bob?”

“HeY tHeRe.” Bob walked past RM and entered the castle. “WoW. NiCe CrIb SmG4. EsPeCiAlLy NoW tHaT iT’s NoT tRyInG tO kIlL mE lOl.”

“…This is what you’re worried about, X?” FM asked. “It’s Bob. He’s annoying, but he’s not some big threat.”

Then, a flash of light.

“What was that?” MCG muttered walking over to the window.

X began to shake. “No, no, no…”

“X?” FM grabbed his friend by the shoulders. “C’mon, man. What’s going on?”

X took a few deep breaths. “Well… you see–”

“ZOMBIES!”

MCG ran back to the others. “There… those zombies… from the Stone…”

SMG4 looked to X. “Finally you can tell us what that was about.”

“Later!” X shouted. “We need to find cover before–”

Suddenly, a rotting hand punched through the window. An army of zombies, all with a resemblance to Mario, beat on the door.

“WHAT IS WITH BAD GUYS AND LOOKING LIKE ME?!”

“Nope.” Ben turned away. “I ain’t a big enough boy for this!”

He leapt out the window.

“LoL yOu DoN’t ReAlLy ThInK tHeSe GuYs CaN bEaT aLl Of Us.” Bob pointed his swords at the approaching horde. “LeT’s Do ThIs BiTcHeS!”

“He’s right!” Kaijak growled. He sent out Enzo, the Shiny Empoleon taking a battle stance.

Bob leapt forward as the zombies finally burst in. With a whirl of blades, he sliced the heads off of three at once. He ran another through, then sliced a fifth in half. Meanwhile, Enzo used Metal Claw to tear through zombie after zombie at Kaijak’s command.

“Holy crap,” MCG muttered.

“We gotta get out of here!” X shouted. “I can explain later! We need to find someone who can help us get rid of these things!”

“LoL tHeSe BiTcHeS aIn’T gOt NoThInG oN mE.”

“Uh, X?” RM looked to the horde nervously. “Can those things… infect us?”

“No,” X replied. “That’s a made-up thing for those old movies. Well, not while you're alive, anyways.”

“Alright, that’s a relief.” SLG4 glanced at the horde again as Bob cut down two more. “But, uh… what do we do? Who’d be able to help with this sort of thing?”

After a moment of thinking, Luigi perked up. “E. Gadd! He might know something! He’s a genius!”

RM shrugged. “Might as well try. Know a good warp pipe to his lab?”

“There’s one out back!” Luigi shouted. “C’mon!”

The group ran off, Kaijak joining them. Luigi paused for a moment.

“Wait! About about… uh… him?” He pointed to Bob.

“Bob?” SMG4 looked back. “I think he’s got himself handled.”

As he said this, Bob sliced off another zombie head.

“Now let’s GO!”

“…Alright.”

Luigi followed SMG4 out, albeit a bit hesitantly.

“LoL yOu GoT nOtHiNg On Me BiTcHeS!” Bob shouted. “WhO’s NeXt?”

The zombies rushed forward.

“BrInG iT bItChEs!”

The zombies ran right past Bob and after the others.

“…AsShOlEs.”

“E. GADD!”

E. Gadd turned around as Luigi, X, Mario, and the others ran in. RM and SLG4 barricaded the doors behind them.

“What’s going on?” the professor asked. “Why are you–”

“Zombies,” SMG4 huffed. “We gotta… get rid of… zombies.”

“I see.” E. Gadd’s glasses glinted. “Then let me introduce you to my latest prototype…”

He grabbed the sheet covering his latest project and pulled it off.

“THE GADD TRANSPORTER 5000!”

A massive, metal ring stood before them.

“…What does it do?”

“Well, theoretically, it can transport people and objects across space and time,” E. Gadd replied. “Of course, it’s extremely experimental. As I have yet to completely crack the technology, it is powered by this.”

From the pocket of his lab coat, E. Gadd produced a small handheld device. Mario recognized it instantly.

“Hey – that’s what Bot used to make portals!”

“Indeed.” E. Gadd placed the device into a chamber linked to the ring. “Channeling its power, we can create longer-lasting portals to any point in space or time. Theoretically.”

“So we need to set it to somewhere the zombies can’t come back,” MCG noted. “But where…?”

“2056.”

Everyone looked back to X.

“X?”

“2056 AD. Thirty-nine years from now. That’s their origin point. And given their probable mode of transport, they won’t be able to come back for a while.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Back the hell up.” RM looked to his friend. “These things are from the future?!”

“I’ll explain more later.” X turned to E. Gadd. “These things are stupid and after me and me alone . I need to stand behind the portal long enough for them to shamble through.”

“Let’s hope it lasts that long…” E. Gadd muttered.

A few keyboard clicks later, and the portal activated – just as the sounds of zombies pounding on the steel door resounded.

X moved into position. “Professor?”

“Everyone, out of the way,” E. Gadd ordered. “I’m opening the door.”

Everyone moves aside. With a deep breath, E. Gadd pressed the button… and the door opened.

An army of zombies poured in, charging straight at X. Within about a minute, they had crossed through.

As X moved out, the portal began to spark.

“EVERYONE DOWN!” E. Gadd shouted.

Everyone hit the floor as the portal exploded.

SMG4’s ears rang. As he rose, he quickly spotted the others, helping each other up.

“Everyone okay?” he asked.

“Yeah…” FM muttered. “I think we’re all – OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?”

Everyone looked toward where FM was pointing. In front of the remains of the portal stood what seemed to be a penguin. However, it looked… different. Its head and its feet were black. Its wings were cyan. Its body was yellow with white spots. The back of its head had both cyan and yellow. The lower half of its beak was also yellow. It’s eyes had “+” signs in them.

“What… is that?” RM muttered, staring at the weird-looking penguin.

“A penguin,” X replied. “A lot changes in the next forty-odd years.”

FM grabbed the penguin and looked it in the eyes, his own sparkling with joy. “I will call you Cube and you will be my adopted son.”

X groaned. “FM, we are not bringing a penguin from the future into the house. I have enough to deal with between you and Ben.”

“TOO LATE I’VE ALREADY FORMED AN EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT!”

“Hey, as long as he’s not nabbing Enzo again, I’m fine with it.”

“ONE TIME, KAIJAK! I WAS DRUNK! AND UPSET BECAUSE I COULDN’T HAVE THAT PENGUIN FROM THE ZOO!” FM whined. “Besides, you made me regret it…”

“Hell yeah, I did. You don’t mess with my partner.”

“Anyways…” MCG whipped around. “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED, X?!”

X sighed. “I’d… been hoping to avoid this, but it seems I have no choice. Sit down; this one’s a doozy.”

“So… I think we’ve all figured out that you’re from the future, right?” SLG4 said, looking around at the others. Everyone aside from Mario and FM nodded, the two of whom looked shocked.

“Excuse me?”

“What the hell you say?”

“Yes, I’m from the future,” X replied. “About four years from now… something happens. I don’t quite know what, but whatever it is, it caused our entire universe to begin coming apart.”

He took a deep breath. “My story begins in 2054. One of the leaders of our survivor group, a scientist and tactician named Espian, had been experimenting with the idea of using time travel to go back in time to figure out what had destroyed our universe. At some point, he managed to succeed, and whatever he saw got him into necromancy. He was trying to revive the dead, for whatever reason. However, his experiment went horribly wrong on a day I happened to be in the lab. Espian was given the power to revive the dead, yes, but only as soulless husks of their former selves. I got… abilities, some of which even I do not know the full extent of. Unfortunately, Espian was also affected psychologically. Driven mad and convinced that I held the secret to solving the problem, he sent out a horde of zombies to find me. They began killing, and when a zombie kills you, their infection may take your body.”

“I thought you said that–”

“It only works if you are killed first. Otherwise, your immune system fights it off fairly easily.” X cleared his throat. “Anyways, I worked with one of E. Gadd’s descendants to return to this time, in the hopes of stopping the disaster. Apparently, Espian has tried to follow, but given the state of the portal at the time of my original departure, I doubt it could function after its second usage.”

“Okay… wow,” SMG4 muttered. “So… does you being here make an alternate timeline or something? Is… is that still our future, or…?”

X blinked. “I… don’t know. I guess we’ll have to find out.”

“Mario’s bored of all this serious talk,” the Italian muttered. “Who wants tacos?”

“ME!” almost everyone shouted at once, running off. X was slower to follow.

“You okay?”

X turned to FM, smiling. “Yeah. I’ll be fine, FM.” He looked down at Cube. “You’re… you’re actually gonna keep him, aren’t you?”

“Yes and nothing you do will convince me otherwise.”

X sighed, that smile still on his face. “I know… c’mon, let’s find Ben before he gets himself killed.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

As the two walked off, E. Gadd looked at his machine.

“So I need to get this done in four years…”

He cracked his knuckles. “Best get workin’!”

2056

“So?”

“So it’s Gadd tech. That much is obvious,” the engineer muttered as he dug through the internals of the broken machine. “Well, partially. Some of it is inspired by my work from years ago. Shame he destroyed that device, but I suppose it was for the better.”

“I don’t care about that, Bot,” Espian hissed. “I saved your life so that you could fix this thing in case I need it again.”

Bot emerged from the machine. His hair had grown gray with age, but his eyes held the same cold, calculating gaze it had years prior.

“Yet again, I remind you that it was not you who saved me from my prison, but that 3 person,” Bot pointed out. “I must admit, I am surprised you require my help. Are you not a scientist?”

“Yes, but this tech is out of my field of study,” Espian replied. “I put more focus on… other types of experiments.”

“Your attempt to revive cloning technology, I presume?” Bot looked up. “I was sorry to hear about what that sea creature did. Bopkit or something, right?”

Espian smiled. “Worry not, Bot. What ol’ Fishy never knew was that one of my creations survived.”

“Oh? I assume you will be using it to enact the next stage of your plan?”

“Yes.”

“Another attack?”

“No.” Espian looked at a pod behind him. “In that pod is the first truly, 100% successful clone in history, and I will not waste him leading an army that will most likely be trumped.”

“Uh, that one girl made years ago,” Bot noted. “The clone of SMG4?”

“She’s an imperfect clone. This one is not.” Espian placed a hand on the pod. “X is strong, as are his newfound friends. With him there, perhaps they can stop the end. I’d like to let them try before we step in…”

“Before you step in,” Bot corrected. “I’m only here to repair this and get my pay.”

“Ah. Yes.”

Espian looked out the window.

“X… for your sake, and everyone else’s, stop this… before I must.”

Chapter Text

Birds chirped as they flew across the cloudless blue sky. The calm sea barely rocked the boat as it moved across the water.

On the boat, X lay back in a beach chair, doing nothing in particular. FM fawned over Cube.

“It’s nice to relax after everything that’s happened,” X noted. “Right, FM?”

FM wasn’t paying attention, still playing with his new pet penguin. X shrugged and went back to relaxing.

In the ship’s game room, Luigi blinked. Ben and MCG stood across from each other at a gambling table. Luigi was monitoring the game, not participating due to some special ability of his that made him always win casino games.

“Ben, you need to just stop,” MCG said.

“Yeah,” Luigi agreed. “You’re out of money. You really should–”

“NooooOoooO, señor…” Ben drawled. “Ah’ve still got somethin’ left to bid!”

Ben ducked down, disappearing from view. Luigi and MCG glanced at each other questioningly.

“Eh…”

When Ben popped back up, he was holding a female Toad with a pink mushroom hat with brown spots. He tossed her onto the table.

“It was nice knowin’ ya, Mom! Now, SPIN DA WHEEL!”

Luigi and MCG recoiled in shock.

Nearby, SMG4 sighed as he leaned back. Beside him, Mario screamed in rage, having just lost in a SSEOITAB match.

“It’s so nice to be able to sit back and relax,” he noted. “No Z, no Bowser, no SMG3… just me, you, and our friends!”

Mario looked over at SMG4.

“…Why are you gae?”

Suddenly, the boat began to rock. Everyone stopped what they were doing as a form emerged from the ocean – a blue plesiosaur-like creature named Dorrie.

“Wanna be friends?”

After a moment of shocked silence, everyone on the boat began screaming. FM pulled out an AK-47 while X pulled out a pistol, shooting at the monster towering above them. MCG threw a bomb. Ben picked up his mother.

“Ka-me-ha-me-MAAAAAAA!”

He threw his mother at Dorrie. However, all their attacks bounced off, ineffective.

“I just wanted to be your friend…” Dorrie muttered sadly. Crying, she turned around and swam away, her tail accidentally slamming into the ship’s hull and tearing a hole in it.

As water flooded through the hole, the ship began to sink. Everyone began panicking.

“EVERYONE REMAIN CALM!” FM shouted, going into police mode. “FIND THE NEAREST LIFEBOAT AND YOU’LL BE FINE!”

“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” X screamed.

As the boat sank, the gang slid off of the boat and into the water below.

“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!” SMG4 shouted.

“Alright, everyone listen up!” FM called out. “The boat’s still afloat somewhat, so try to salvage what you can–”

The boat then sank beneath the waves.

“...Well, shit.”

“Yep, we’re gonna die out here,” SMG4 muttered. “And I never got to try burritos…”

They heard two splashes nearby, followed soon by a third, as something landed in the water not far away.

“WHAT WAS THAT?!” Mario shouted, looking around.

Then, something popped up from under the water. It looked like a Spike, but they knew Spikes didn’t usually belong in the water. Nor did they have gills and fish tails.

“Hello, hello, hello!” he said cheerfully. His voice cracked a bit, and came off as a bit irritating, but he sounded remarkably young. “My name is Fishy Boopkins! Nice to meet you!”

The gang stared at him, dumbfounded. X’s eyes widened a bit in recognition at the namedrop, but he remained silent.

SMG4 sighed. “Well, if you’re gonna eat us, start with the fatty.”

“HEY!”

Fishy blinked. “What? No ! I’m here to save you!”

MCG blinked. “But… why would you want to save us?”

Fishy smiled slyly. “Because humans are SEXXXAAAYYYYY.”

The group slowly began backing away.

“No, wait, I’m sorry!” Boopkins cried. “I’m just so lonely… the only other person I can talk to is my dad out here… just… just let me help you get back to land.”

FM raised an eyebrow. “How are you gonna carry six guys and a fatass back to shore?”

Mario’s eyes watered a bit. “Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho…”

“Oh, that’s easy!” Boopkins widened his mouth. “GET IN MY MOOOOUUUUUUTH!”

The group backed further away.

“Okay, okay,” Boopkins said. “I… I’m not good at this, but I can try giving you the power to breathe underwater.”

“Why didn’t you do that in the first place?”

“It could turn you into a fish instead.”

“...Excuse me?–”

Boopkins pointed his stubby arms at the group, shouting out what looked like lighting with a cry of “WA-HEY!” The gang spasmed for a bit before the bolts disappeared.

“Now, just follow me!” Boopkins shouted, diving back into the water. X hesitantly dived under first. After a moment, he blinked in surprise.

“I… I can breathe!” he exclaimed. “I can talk!”

The others followed them down. Ben, however, began to glow.

“AYO, WHAT THE F–”

The glow surrounded him. When it faded, his waist and legs had been replaced with a fish tail.

As the group continued, Under the Sea from Disney’s The Little Mermaid began to play. SMG4 marveled at the undersea world around him…

Until Boopkins shoved him aside, stopping the music.

“Wait!” he shouted. “We don’t actually have the license for this song, so allow me to sing it instead!”

Boopkins cleared his throat.

Boopkins: DA-DA-DA DA DA, DA-DA DA DA DA, 

DA-DA-DA DA DA, DA-DA DA DA–

SMG4 completely lost it.

As the group continued swimming, Ben spotted a shape in the distance.

“A WHALE!” he shouted. “MY FAMILEH HAS ARRIVED!”

As the shape grew closer, SMG4 began to back up. “I… don’t think that’s a whale, Ben…”

It moved into the light, revealing it to be a white and pink submarine with the face of Thomas the Tank Engine stuck in the front. A label on the side read “Teletubmarine”.

“IT’S THE TELETUBMARINE!” Boopkins shouted, terror in his voice. “THE INFAMOUS PIRATES OF THE MUSHROOM SEA!”

The side of the Teletubmarine opened, and a torpedo shot out. The group tried to swim away, but were unable to before the torpedo exploded, and their world went dark.

SMG4 groaned as he opened his eyes. He and the others were in a cage.

“WHO ARE YOU?!” SMG4 shouted. “WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US?!”

From the darkness emerged… a Teletubbie.

SMG4’s eyes widened. He backed away as the others began to wake up.

“NO, GOD, NO! NO, GOD, PLEASE, NO!”

More Teletubbies began emerging, lining up on either side of a door at the end of the room. The door swung open, and in floated a new face – a Chuck-ya with a pirate hat.

“Finally…” he growled, his eyes focused on Boopkins. “I have you. Take the fish to his new room!”

One of the Teletubbies reached into the cage, pulling out the half-conscious Boopkins and carrying him off as he mumbled incoherently.

“WHO ARE YOU?” FM demanded. “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?”

The pirate chuckled. “I am Admiral Sylvester Swipe, leader of this motley crew, and collector of–”

Mario laughed. “A. S. Swipe! ASSWIPE!”

A chair leg courtesy of Swipe silenced him.

“…As I was saying, I collect rare artifacts and species,” Swipe continued. “Boopkins is but the latest addition to my collection.”

“YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS!” X shouted. “We’ll get out!”

“No, you won’t.” He turned to his Teletubbie crew. “Take them… to Sector 2-SX-C!”

The Teletubbies shook in fear at the name of… whatever Sector 2-SX-C was.

“Mario thinks we’re fucked.”

Elsewhere in the submarine, specifically the weapons controls, a trio of Teletubbies was at work.

Suddenly, a shadow dropped down from above, taking out one of the Teletubbies and dragging them away while the others weren’t looking.

The other two Teletubbies quickly noticed the absence of their crewmate. As they searched, the shadow returned, taking out a second. 

The final Teletubbie turned just as the attacker dragged his crewmate away. He backed up, only to find himself in a corner.

The Teletubbie turned around just in time for the figure to lunge. He barely had time to scream.

Swipe typed in the passcode to his collection room. The door slid open, and the pirate walked in. Scattered around the room were valuable objects: a Puppet mask, the Master Sword, a depowered fragment of the Nightmare Stone, one of HAL’s robotic tentacles, and many, many others. And sitting in the center, imprisoned by an energy cage, was Fishy Boopkins.

“Do you know how hard it was to find you?” Swipe asked Boopkins as he edged closer. “Your kind are extremely rare these days. You were hunted to near extinction centuries ago. And still, so few remain.”

“What do you want with me?” Boopkins asked fearfully.

“Oh, dear Boopkins,” Swipe said. “I have heard legends of how your kind, when in intense pain, makes such beautiful music…”

He pulled out a remote and pressed the button on it. Electricity coursed through the cage, shocking Boopkins. The sea creature screamed for a moment, before bursting out in song.

Boopkins: And IIIIIIIIIIIIIII…

Boopkins stopped, breathing heavily. Swipe huffed and pressed the remote again.

Boopkins: Will alwayyys looove yooouuuuu!

Boopkins stopped again, a few tears of pain dropping.

“Of course, I have another motive for this,” Swipe growled. “But first things first, time to dispose of your friends.”

Swipe exited, leaving Boopkins alone to recover.

“Aw, man…” he muttered, looking up. He paused. Standing in frown of him was the figure from before. From what he could see, it had a large round hat-like bulge on its head.

“Wh-Who are you?” he muttered.

The figure lunged. Boopkins screamed.

“Welp, we’re fucked,” Mario muttered.

Mario, SMG4, and the others were still in their cage, now suspended above a hungry Chain Chomp.

“Heeey, man,” MCG said cheerfully. “You aren’t mad about before, right? If, uh… if you’re the same Chomp. Are you?”

The Chain Chomp barked.

“I don’t know if that’s a yes or a no.”

“TUBBIES!” Swipe shouted as he entered the room. “BEGIN THE EXECUTION!”

A red Teletubbie nodded, pressing a button on their remote. The cage began to lower.

“OH CRAP!” SMG4 shouted. “WHAT DO WE DO?!”

“I DON’T KNOW!” MCG yelled back.

As the group panicked, Fishy Boopkins flew across the room and slammed into the wall.

“Ow… my scrotums…”

The figure from before stormed into the room, growling in anger. As it stepped out the shadows, the figure’s true identity was revealed – Ben’s mother.

“BEN, YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE, YOUNG MAN!” she shouted, her voice dripping with rage. “YOU GAMBLED ME, YOU THREW ME AT A MONSTER, AND NOW YOU’RE A FISH?! HOW AM I GONNA EXPLAIN THIS TO YOUR PAPA WHEN WE GET HOME? JESUS! WE ARE GOING HOME RIGHT NOW BEFORE THIS… TUNA FISH TRANSFORMS YOU INTO SOMETHING ELSE!”

“But Moooommm–”

“NO BUTS!”

Everyone stared at Ben’s mother in shock. The Chain Chomp backed up.

“OH HELL NAW.”

The Chain Chomp quickly bounced out the door.

“Tubbies!” Swipe shouted. “GET HER!”

All the Teletubbies in the room charged forward. Ben’s mother grinned. She quickly kicked one in the face, sending them flying while launching herself into the air. Another ran up behind her, but as she flew through the air, she did a backflip, turning herself to face it, and delivered a series of swift kicks to its face before sending it flying with a bigger one.

A horde of Teletubbies piled on her, but she quickly leapt above them. With a cry of “FOR THE MOTHERLAAAAAAND!”, she rocketed back down, causing an explosion that send all the Teletubbies flying.

“DAAAAAAAAAMMMNNN!” Mario, SMG4, and FM muttered.

After taking out several more Teletubbies, Ben’s mom landed on her back. A loud crack was heard around the room.

“OW!” she shouted. “Ugh… Ben, could you pass your mama her cane, please?”

Ben sighed, pulling the cane from who knows where. “Ya stupid jackass…”

He tossed it down to her, where it smacked into her head.

“Ow.”

“ENOUGH OF THIS!” Swipe growled. “Time to take matters into my own hands… er, balls? I don’t really have hands, they’re just spheres.”

Mario laughed. “HE SAID BALLS!”

“SHUT UP!” Swipe growled. “TUBBIES! FORMATION OMEGA!”

Admiral Swipe began spinning around and rising into the air. Teletubbies floated towards him, coming together to form a giant humanoid amalgamation of them, with Swipe as the head.

“BEHOLD… OMEGASSWIPE!”

“OMEG-ASSWIPE!” Mario shouted.

“YOU’LL DIE FIRST!”

“Aw, crap.”

Fishy Boopkins groaned as he woke up. He opened. His eyes to see Omegasswipe approaching his friends.

“OH NO!” he shouted. “I… I gotta get help!”

Boopkins took a deep breath…

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!”

Everyone looked over to Boopkins. Nothing happened for a few seconds.

“…Well–”

Suddenly, the ship began to rock. Omegasswipe looked out the windows and stared in awe. The others looked out the window at their lever, gawking at the sight before them.

Rising out of the water, dressed in a blue tuxedo… was what looked to be fucking Cthulhu.

SMG4’s jaw dropped. “IS THAT FUCKING CTHULHU?!”

Swipe began to laugh. “Finally… the legendary Joe Boopkins! Men, OPEN FIRE!”

Nothing.

“WHAT?!” Omegasswipe whipped around to see his men were still on the floor, knocked out by Ben’s mother.

“USELESS!” he growled. “I’ll do this myself!”

Suddenly, Joe brought down a tentacle arm, tearing the sub in half. Water began to flood the vehicle as it started to sink. The cage fell to the ground, breaking upon impact and freeing the gang.

“NO!” Swipe shouted. “THE TUBBIE GLUE WON’T HOLD!”

Omegasswipe fell apart as the water continued rushing in.

“MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!” MCG shouted. The group ran (or swam, in Boopkins and Ben’s cases) towards the exit hatch.

“OH, NO YOU DON’T!”

Admiral Swipe leapt in their way. “I STILL HAVE ONE MORE TRICK! TUBBIE WALL, ASSEMBLE!”

The remaining Teletubbies came together, forming a wall to prevent them from escaping.

“ATTACK OF DA JELLY BEANS!” Mario cried.

“Don’t worry!” Boopkins shouted, leaping forward. “Leave them to me!”

He quickly unhinged his jaw and ate the Teletubby wall whole.

“Mmm… tasty!”

Swipe just gawked. “WHAT THE SHIT ?!”

“NOW!” MCG shouted. The group leapt up, pulling themselves out of the hatch. Admiral Swipe tried to follow them, but couldn’t jump high enough.

“DAMN YOU!” he called up to the group. “THIS ISN’T THE LAST YOU’VE SEEN OF ME, HUMANS! I’LL BE BACK! YOU HEAR ME? ADMIRAL SYLVESTER SWIPE WILL HAVE HIS REVENGE!”

“SHUT UP, ASSWIPE!”

Swipe growled, only for a piece of the ship to break off and hit him in the right eye. The admiral screamed in pain, one of his hands covering his eye.

Joe Boopkins looked down. He clapped his tentacles, and Dorrie emerged from under the water.

“FRIIIEEEENDS!”

“Get on!” Boopkins said before diving into the water, followed by Ben.

Admiral Swipe growled, still clutching his injured eye. Suddenly, a strange, red portal appeared nearby. SMG3 popped out, grabbed Swipe, tossed him through, and then followed, the portal closing behind them.

Mere seconds later, another portal opened, and Swipe was sent flying back out, screaming in anger, and now wearing an eyepatch over his scarred eye. His sword flew through the portal as well, impaling itself into the Teletubmarine’s wall.

“DAMN YOU!” he bellowed. “DAMN YOU ALL TO HEEEEE–”

As Dorrie paddled away, heading in the direction of the Mushroom Kingdom, the Teletubmarine sank beneath the waves, Admiral Swipe still on board, his furious cries quite literally drowned out by the water rushing into the sub’s ruins.

“What an adventure, huh, Cube?” FM muttered.

Cube honked in agreement.

X looked over to Ben as he floated beside them. “You coming, Ben?”

“Nah, amigo…” Ben turned and looked towards the horizon. “I think I like it out here…”

“OH, NO YOU DON’T!” Ben’s mom shouted, grabbing him and dragging him onto Dorrie. “WE STILL HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOUR PAPA!”

“Aw, maaannn…”

Dorrie paddled towards the distant kingdom. Fishy Boopkins popped out of the water and smiled as he watched his new friends swim away... before bursting into song.

Boopkins: And IIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Will always loooooove yooooooouuuuuuu!

Chapter Text

Chris sighed as he opened the door to the restroom stall. “Man, this place smells like shit…”

“Teehee.”

Chris blinked, looking around. “What the hell?”

“Tee hee hee.”

Chris looked up, his face falling. “Oh, what the fuck.”

In the vent above him was Swag, grinning down at his partner. “Oh hai Chris,” Swag said cheerfully. “How are you doing on this wonderful nice da–”

“What are you even doing up there, you freaking perv?”

Swag rolled his eyes. “Lol don’t worry Chris. Nobody wants to see your dangle dongle.”

Chris just stayed silent.

“Anyway Chris, you gotta come up here and see this, it’s amazing,” Swag urged.

“No,” Chris replied. “I don’t want to deal with your bullshit today.”

“PLS.”

“We have a job to do, you idiot!”

“PLS.”

“I swear to God–”

“PLS.”

“...Ugh, fine…”

“YEAH BOIIIIIII!”

Swag held out his hand. “Take my hand Chris. No homo.”

Chris sighed. “Jesus Christ…”

Swag pulled Chris up into the vent.

“Um… so…” Chris muttered. “What now?”

“Shut up and follow me.”

After about two minutes of following Swag, Chris sighed. “How long are we going to be going, Swag? I don’t wanna stare at your ass all day.”

“Shut up my ass is beautiful.”

After a minute, Swag grinned.

“Hey Chris.”

“What?”

Swag: I can show you the world.

“Oh for fuck’s sake…”

Shining, shimmering, splennndidd.

“Somebody kill me…”

Tell me Chris, when was the last ti–

“Yeah okay I’m leaving.” Chris turned around and began crawling away.

Swag paused. “No wait Chris come back D’:” he pleaded. “Srsly I think we’re almost there!”

Chris sighed. “...I’ll never understand how you pronounce those… things.”

“Nobody ever will lol.”

“...Fine. Just make it quick.”

“Thanks man. U r da best.”

Before long, the two had reached a particular vent exit.

“Oh shit!” Swag said excitedly. “I think this is it!”

Chris sighed as he moved to Swag’s side. “Where even are …”

He paused as he looked through the vent. “Holy shit…”

The vent lead directly into Mark’s office. Mark himself sat at the computer, watching… something.

“Lol lol lol lol we get to see directly inside Mark’s office,” Swag said with a smile.

Mark chuckled as he watched whatever was on his computer. “Oh man, this shit is lit!”

Chris sighed. “Swagmaster… this is new levels of creepy, dude.”

As he looked back towards the office, he paused. “Wait. What the hell is he watching?”

Taking a closer look, they noticed that Mark was watching some show by the name of Winx Club.

“Holy shit,” Swag muttered. “Our boss is a massive tootsie roll!”

Mark froze, then whipped around. “Did somebody just call me a tootsie roll?!”

Swag and Chris were nowhere to be seen, having ducked away from the vent.

“...Yeah, I fuckin’ thought so.” Mark turned around and returned to his show.

“You idiot!” Chris hissed. “Can you please learn when to shut your trap?!”

“Well I mean he is a tootsie roll and a jackass anyways lol.”

“Swag…”

“Don’t deny it Chris. U kno I’m right.”

Then, someone knocked on the door. Mark quickly paused the video and looked up.

“Er… come in!”

The door swung open, and a guy walked in. “Hey. It’s me…”

Mark quickly minimized his tab. “Who the hell are… wait. Oh, you’re the guy! Sorry, I was just doing... important business work!”

“Important work my ass,” Swag muttered as Mark got up and walked over to the guy.

“So…” Mark said, approaching the man. “Do you have it?”

“That depends,” the man replied. “Do you have the money?”

Mark picked up a briefcase beside his desk and opened it, revealing money inside.

“The hell…?” Chris muttered.

“Now…” Mark looked to the man expectantly. “Show me the goods.”

The man smiled and pulled out a bundle of dynamite.

Swag’s eyes widened. “Chris I’m scared. Pls hold me.”

“Cut it out!” Chris hissed, shoving Swag away.

Mark walked over to a painting on the wall and moved it aside, revealing a hidden safe. He quickly opened it and put the dynamite inside before closing the safe and moving the painting back into place.

“Pleasure doing business with you…” the man said before exiting. Once he was gone, Mark sat down at his desk and went back to his show.

Swag and Chris slowly looked at each other.

“HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT!” Swag shouted, running in panicked circles around the room the two had emerged in. “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

As Swag continued freaking out in the background, Chris hummed in thought. “There has to be a logical explanation for this. We just need to think of why…”

Swag’s continued panicked rambling finally broke Chris’ nerves. He whipped around to face the other guard.

“For fuck’s sake, will you shut up for one second, Swagmaster?!”

Swag edged closer to Chris. “Chris do you see the look on my face?” He pointed to his face. “It is the look of fear. Terror. Unbridled–”

“Yes, I get it.” Chris sighed. “We can’t just sit here and shit ourselves. We have to find out what exactly Mark is planning to do with that dynamite.”

“He’s gonna nuke us all!” Swag exclaimed. “This spaghetti factory is sooooo fucked.” He paused, then grinned. “Rest in spaghetti never forgetti lol.”

“We need to get into his office and figure out what exactly is going on…”

“But how tho?” Swag asked. “Mark’s fapping in there almost 24/7.”

Chris grinned. “I have a plan…”

Chris stood before the door to Mark’s office. He turned around to face the empty hallway.

“Okay, Swagmaster, come out. It’s your time to shine.”

Swag’s response came from around the corner of where the hallway connected to another. “No go fuck yourself.”

Chris sighed. “Come on, Swagmaster. This is for the sake of our lives!”

After a moment, Swag came around the corner, dressed in a Mareep costume. “I swear to God I’m gonna kill you for this.”

“Okay. Just like we rehearsed.”

Swag sighed. “Baaaaaa…”

“Okay good. Now get in there.”

“Eat a dick.”

Chris quickly opened the door, standing behind it as Swag moved in. 

At the sound of the door’s creak, Mark turned around. “The hell…?”

“Baaaaaa…” Swag muttered as he stood in the doorway. Mark’s eyes lit up as he moved over towards the costumed Swag.

“Aw, it’s a cute little sheep,” he said, smiling as he knelt down in front of the disguised guard. “Are you lost, little guy?”

“Fuck you penis muncher.”

“What?!”

“I mean… baaaaaaa.”

“Come on!” Mark said cheerfully. “Let’s go find your family!”

He reached towards Swag, only for the wool-clad guard to rush towards the door.

“You’ll never take me alive!” he hissed as Mark followed him out. Once Mark was gone, Chris stepped out from behind the door and went into Mark’s office. He moved the painting aside, reaching for the safe… only to find that it was locked.

“Crap.” He sighed, looking around the room. “Knowing Mark, he probably hides that code up his ass…”

He turned around and found a sheet of paper on the desk. Written on it was the safe code.

“...That tracks, too.”

Chris quickly input the code and opened the safe.

“Yes!”

He reached inside, pulling out the dynamite and… blueprints?

His eye widened as he looked over the blueprints. “Dear God…”

Grabbing the blueprints and dynamite, he rushed out the door. “I gotta tell Swagmaster…”

“Little sheep where did you go?”

Swag sighed as he tossed the Mareep costume aside. He ran back towards his post, where he and Chris had decided as their meeting place. As he rounded the corner, he saw Chris waiting ahead.

“Jesus Christ that was a nightmare,” Swag muttered, walking up to Chris. “Chris if you ever make me do something like that again, I’m going to kill you and fuck your mom.”

“Swagmaster…” Chris said solemnly. “You were right. Mark does want to blow this place up.”

He pulled out the blueprints, showing them to Swag. “These are the blueprints for the factory. They’re marked with specific places to plant the dynamite.”

“Rest in spaghetti never forgetti lawl.”

Chris stroked his chin. “We need to come up with a strategic way to apprehend–”

Swag pulled out a rocket launcher. “WELP! Time to bust a cap in his ass!”

“No!” Chris argued. “We can’t just go in there and kill him! How would we explain that to the–”

“YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!” Swag shouted, running off with the rocket launcher in hand. “Kill kill kill! :D”

“...Goddammit!”

Chris quickly began chasing his partner down.

Mark, meanwhile, had gone back to his show, the sheep forgotten.

“Hell yeah, this show is dank!” he muttered. “Now kiss! Hue hue hue hue hue–”

Suddenly, the door swung open as Swag barged in, his rocket launcher in hand. “WARNING WARNING I AM ABOUT TO UNLEASH A CAN OF WHOOPASS!”

“HOLY SWEET SHIT NUGGETS!” Mark shouted as he leapt up and backed away from the desk. “What do you want?!”

Swag aimed the rocket launcher at Mark. “Pasta la vista baby.”

Chris ran into the room. “NO! STOP, YOU IDIOT!”

He tackled Swag just as he fired, the rocket hitting Mark’s desk and sending the yellow-clad man flying into the wall.

“Oh shit!” Chris muttered. “No, no, no. This is not good!”

He ran over to Mark and knelt down, checking his pulse. After a minute, he sighed in relief. “Oh thank God. He was just knocked unconscious.”

“Dammit let me try again!”

“Don’t you dare!” Chris punched Swag, and the guard let out a distorted cry of pain.

“Mah heart mah soul. )’:”

Chris sighed. “You are seriously the dumbest shit to walk this planet. “You’re so lucky he’s still alive…”

“No u.”

“Now help me pick him up. We gotta interrogate him.”

Swag rose. “I thought you didn’t want to get in trouble lawl.”

“Yeah, but we’re in deep enough shit as it is,” Chris replied as he grabbed Mark’s legs.

After a minute, Swag sighed. “Alright, fine…” He rushed over to help Chris…

Mark blinked as he awoke. “Ohh… my head and my ass… what happened?”

He saw Swag and Chris standing above him. Chris said something, but Mark couldn’t understand him. He blinked, and Swag was suddenly in his face.

“WAKE THE FUCK UUUUUUPPPP!”

“OH JESUS CHRIST!” Mark shouted, jumping. “I’M AWAKE, I’M AWAKE!” He noticed he was sitting in a chair, ropes holding him down. “Wait… why the fuck am I tied up…?”

“Just calm down, Mark,” Chris said. “We’ll explain every–”

“No, I won’t calm down!” Mark growled. “That retarded asshole almost killed me!”

Swag blinked. “Retarded asshole…?” After a moment, his eyes narrowed in anger. “What the fuck did you just fucking say about me you little bitch?! I’ll have you know I graduated top–”

“Untie me and I’ll kick your ass motherfucka.”

“I’d like to see you come near my ass!”

“Everybody shut the fuck up!” Chris shouted, jumping in and shoving Swag away. “No one is touching anyone’s ass today.”

“Dammit.”

“Mark…” Chris stepped forward. “We know what you’ve been hiding.”

Mark blinked. “Hiding? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Shut the fuck up!” Swag shouted, slapping Mark in the face. “We’ll be asking the questions bitch.”

Mark groaned. “Goddammit… what was that for–”

Swag slapped Mark again. “I just said no questions bitch!”

Chris sighed. “Swag, back down.”

“Can I slap him again?”

“No.”

“Aw, dammit…”

Chris turned towards Mark. “Mark, we know what you’re planning to do with that TNT.”

Mark blinked. “The TNT…? Is that what this is about? The boss ordered me to get that, ya idiots!”

Swag and Chris blinked. “What?!”

“We’re demolishing the containment room and rebuilding it.”

After a moment, Swag turned to Chris. “Wow Chris I can’t believe you tricked me into doing this! Shame on you!”

Chris sighed. “For the love of…” He turned back to Mark. “Why didn’t you tell anyone about this?”

“Er… I was busy… with… things…”

“Lol you were watching girly shows fag.”

Mark sighed. “Can you guys just untie me now?”

“Oh, sure.” Chris moved over and untied Mark. “Sorry about all this…”

Swag chuckled as Mark stood up. “Umm… remember how I tried to kill you? It was just a joke k? We cool, right? Just a prank lol, k?”

Mark sighed. “I’ll deal with you later. Right now I need that TNT back.”

“Oh sure. Swag?”

Swag put on shades. “Come with me if you want to live.”

Chris and Mark stared at him silently.

“...I’ve always wanted to say that lol.”

Chris dug through the crates in the supply room.

“Where the hell is it?” Chris muttered. “Goddammit…”

“Oh I found a Dorito on the ground tho! :D”

Are you serious?” Mark asked. “You lost the TNT?!”

Chris chuckled. “Give us a moment.” He quickly pulled Swag aside and lowered his voice. “Swagmaster you piece of shit you could you lose it?!”

Swag gawked, placing a hand over his heart. “Wow I am offended! Did you hear that Chris? That is the sound of my heart breaking. :(”

Suddenly, an explosion rocked the factory.

“HOLY SHIT!” Chris shouted. “The hell was that?!”

“Lol Chris ur mom came to visit today.”

“I think it came from the cafeteria!” Mark said. The three rushed off.

“Sweet mother of God…” Chris muttered as he, Swag, and Mark gawked at the sight before them.

The cafeteria was in shambles. Fires raged, rubble littered the floor, and Greg stood off to the side. He quickly noticed them.

“Oh hey guys!” he said cheerfully. “I was walking past the supply room when I saw a bunch of hot dogs…”

“Lol Greg you scrub.”

“I was hungry, so I brought them here to heat them up. But funny thing… they exploded…” He chuckled nervously.

The three stared at him.

“...What?”

Mark looked up to the sky and screamed, “SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT!”

“Well, Swagmaster… I stand corrected,” Chris noted. “You are only the second dumbest shit to walk the Earth.”

“YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY! :D”

Chapter Text

October 20. SMG4 looped that date over and over in his head. It was a special day today. Today was Kaijak18’s birthday.

He remembered the Nightmare Stone, and how Prinplup’s fear had been Mario’s constant abuse of him. So today, SMG4 had made it his mission to ensure that Kaijak’s birthday went off without a hitch… and without Mario.

“Luigi?”

“No sign of him, SMG4! ” Luigi replied over the walkie-talkie.

“Good.” SMG4 looked over at Kaijak as he chatted with Cloud64 and Pink. “Keep it that way. I don’t want this day screwed up.”

He quickly changed channels. “Toad?”

“On the lookout,” the mushroom midget replied. “Believe me, keeping that fatty out is something I have been wanting to do for years.”

“Alright.” SMG4 put his walkie in his pocket before making his way over to Kaijak. Upon noticing SMG4 approaching, Kaijak waved, a smile on his face.

“SMG4!” he said cheerfully. “Thanks for doing this!”

“No prob!” SMG4 replied, shooting his friend a thumbs up. “You’re my friend!”

Kaijak’s eyes suddenly widened. “Oh, shoot.”

“What? What is it?”

“I forgot to tell you…” he muttered. “There’s… someone I invited that you may not be happy about, but we were always on good terms, so…”

“...Who?”

“Well, well, well.”

SMG4 froze, turning around to see none other than SMG3 standing behind him.

“GOD. DAMMIT.”

“Been awhile, huh, SMG4?” SMG3 grinned. “How have you been?”

“WHY ARE YOU HERE?!”

“What?” SMG3 huffed. “Can’t your sworn enemy join in on the fun, too? After all, like Kai said, we are on good terms. By “we”, I mean Kai and I, in case you didn’t catch that.”

SMG4 sighed. “Fine. Just don’t screw this up with your evil plans or whatever. I’m gonna get some punch.”

SMG4 walked off. Kaijak glanced over to SMG3, who shrugged.

“Eh, what’re ya gonna do?”

SMG3, too, headed off, meeting with a friend of his by the name of Nintendofan996, or Y for short. Kaijak watched before remembering something.

“Oh! I gotta let Enzo out!”

Kaijak sent out his Shiny Empoleon. It chirped as he pet it.

“Eight years, huh…?” Kaijak muttered. “Eight whole years today since we met.”

Enzo nodded.

“Looking forward to a ninth?”

The Empoleon chirped.

Kaijak smiled. “C’mon, buddy. Let’s enjoy the party.”

Mario hummed cheerfully as he walked along the path towards Peach’s castle. His approach was quickly noticed by Luigi.

“SMG4!” he cried, pulling out his walkie. “WE HAVE INCOMING!”

“Mario? ”

“M-hm!”

“Shoot. You and Toad do what you can to stop him from getting in. I’ll be there soon.”

“Okie-dokie…”

Luigi put the walkie up. After taking a deep breath, he ran forward.

“Hey, Mario!”

Mario stopped, turning to face his brother.

“You ready to go racing?” Luigi asked.

Mario thought for a moment.

“Nah.”

Mario continued walking.

“B-But Mario…” Luigi rushed to catch up to his brother. “It would be fun!”

“Mario wants to smash some people in the ass!” Mario replied. “Not ride a kart!”

“B-But…”

“Bye, Luigi!”

Mario rushed off. Luigi yelped, quickly pulling out his walkie.

“Toad!”

Mario ran up to the castle doors, only for Toad to jump in the way.

“Uh, uh, uh!” Toad said, wagging a finger. “You didn’t say the magic word!”

“…Is it please?”

“NO!”

“Abra kadabra?”

“NO!”

“Expecto patronum?”

“NO!”

“ Is there a magic word?”

“N – yeeess…”

“…Titan's Blood?”

“...I get that reference, but still NO!”

“DAMMIT!”

“X! FM!”

X and FM turned to see SMG4 running up to them.

“Hey, 4,” X said. “What’s up?”

“Mario’s here!”

“…So?” FM shrugged. “What’s that gonna do?”

“I… I don’t want him to mess up Kai’s birthday,” SMG4 mumbled.

“Wait, you’re stopping Mario from coming?”

SMG4 whipped around to see Kaijak standing behind him.

“Uh… yeah ,” SMG4 reluctantly admitted. “I just… after your vision in the Nightmare Stone, I didn’t want you to worry.”

Kaijak smiled. “That’s nice, SMG4, but we can’t let our fears dictate us. Besides, what’s the worst he can do here?”

“You’d… you’d be surprised…”

Toad then flew through the window.

“…Ow.”

He was followed shortly by Mario. 

“Stupid Toad and his stupid magic words…”

Mario paused, gaping as he looked around.

“YOU WERE HAVING A PARTY WITHOUT MARIO?!” he exclaimed. “Why?”

“W-Well…”

Mario’s jaw dropped. “YOU INVITED STEVE BUT NOT ME?”

Steve looked up. “Helloooo!”

“Actually, he was here when we got here…”

“Relax, SMG4,” Kaijak said. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Kai, you know never to say that.”

Mario began to dance. After about five seconds, a series of explosions went off, and the castle began collapsing. Kaijak looked up to see a piece of rubble falling towards him. He brought up his arms to shield himself, only for a shadow to fall over him. The last thing Kaijak saw before blacking out was Enzo the Shiny Empoleon standing between him and the rubble.

“MARIO!”

Mario blinked as he woke up. SMG4 stood over him, angry. His hat was noticeably missing.

“Heya, SMG4!” Mario said cheerfully. “What happened?”

“You danced for five seconds and then the castle exploded! And it ruined my iconic hat!”

“Isn't your hat just a recolor of Mario’s–”

SMG4 grabbed Mario by the neck. “WHAT did you do?!”

“Uh…” Mario shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“HELP!”

SMG4’s attention was redirected as Kaijak dug through the rubble frantically.

“Enzo’s still in there!” he shouted.

SMG4, MCG, and RM quickly ran over to help as X pulled FM out. Before long, they managed to uncover the Empoleon. Kaijak quickly returned it to its Poké Ball. He ran to his car and peeled away, leaving the others behind.

SMG3 shrugged. “Welp, Imma go plan my next scheme. See ya, losers!”

As SMG3 walked off, Peach sighed. “Toadsworth…”

“ON IT!”

In a few short minutes, Toadsworth completely rebuilt the castle, with the help of some TF2 RED Engineers.

SMG4 turned to Mario. “Now look at what you’ve done! Kai’s… penguin thing is hurt!”

“Where’s your proof that Mario did this?!”

“The castle exploded after you started dancing!”

“That’s weak at best!”

SMG4 sighed. “Welp, I’m off. Don’t want to see your ugly face right now.” 

He then walked away.

“WE HAVE THE SAME DAMN FACE!” Mario shouted back, chasing after SMG4.

Toad watched the two bickering, a smile growing on his face. “This might be going somewhere…”

Chapter Text

Mario sighed. “I dunno, Luigi. SMG4’s still mad at me for the castle. I didn’t even explode it! It did that to itself!”

“Well, you should tell him that,” Luigi suggested. “I’ll help, if I need to.”

“Mario tried that already…”

“GET OUT!”

Mario was sent flying out of SMG4’s room.

“Ow… my Mario nuts…”

“Well… maybe I can talk some sense into him!”

Mario then lit up.

“Mario’s got an even better idea…”

SMG4 sighed as he put his new hat on his head. Now no longer labeled with a “4”, his blue hat instead had an “S” embroidered on its front. Part of it was wanting a bit more consistency aside from the 4 (there were people like EM64 who could do the same thing), but it was also partially to spite SMG3, stating that he was the real SuperMarioGlitchy, not the ripoff SMG4’s rival was.

“Well, now that that’s done,” SMG4 muttered, “it’s time to get back to makin’ memes!” 

SMG4 opened the door to his room and froze. Marker had been scrawled all over his computer. On the screen, written out was the sentence “HAI SMG4! CAN WE TALK?! :D”

SMG4’s eye twitched.

“Oh, we can talk alright, Mario…”

Mario hummed as he opened the castle fridge and pulled out a plate of spaghetti. He quickly sat down and began eating it… before freezing. That wasn’t beef …

Mario picked up the meatballs, only to see that they were made from a different type of meat. Not beef, not turkey, but pink, raw…

“FISH?!?!”

X blinked, turning back as he played SSEOITAB with FM. 

Mario burst out of the kitchen, letting out an angry roar as he threw the spaghetti across the room. “WHO TOUCHED-A MAH SPAGHET?!”

“Who else?”

Mario froze, looking up to see SMG4 leaning on the railway above, grinning.

“YOU BITCH!”

“Says the guy who SCRIBBLED ALL OVER MY COMPUTER!”

“MARIO WANTED TO TALK!”

“ENOUGH!”

X jumped between the two. “Will you two SHUT UP?! Just… explain.”

“SMG4 PUT FISH IN MY SPAGHETTI!”

“MARIO DREW ON MY COMPUTER!”

X sighed. “Both of you, apologize.”

“NEVER!” they shouted in unison.

“Hang on,” Toad said, approaching the trio, a sly and almost sinister grin on his face. “I have an idea…”

“Really?”

“Yep. We make them compete to see who’s better.”

“…I’m not sure that’s the best solution–”

“NOBODY ASKED YOU!” Toad leapt up. “Now… who’s ready for a war?!”

SMG4 and Mario cheered.

Toad grinned. “A War… Of The Fat Italians!”

“Actually, I’m Australian–”

“Nobody caaaaaaares!” Toad sang.

Activity Challenge 1: Drawing

“Alright!” X said, clapping his hands together. “For this first activity–”

“Challenge!” Toad corrected.

“…you will draw portaits of each other! Best one wins! Now… GO!”

The two quickly went to their canvases. After about ten minutes of drawing, they backed away.

X walked up to SMG4’s. 

“…SMG4?”

“Yes?”

“This is a poop emoji.”

“Because Mario’s a PIECE OF SHIT!”

“…Moving on.”

He moved to Mario’s. “…And this is just… uh… I don’t even know what this is.”

Mario’s art was a single dot.

Mario smiled. “It’s a disappointment! Just like SMG4!”

“YOU SON OF A–”

“AND we’re moving on!”

Challenge 2: Wrestling

Mario and SMG4 smacked each other over and over with little effect. X sighed, while Toad grinned.

Eventually, SMG4 got an idea. He pulled out a plate of spaghetti and tossed it to the ground.

“OOOOOOO.”

Mario leapt down onto the ground and began devouring the spaghetti.

“SMG4 wins!” Toad shouted.

Mario froze, looking back up as SMG4 danced.

“MAMAFU–”

Challenge 3: Tea Party???

“Would you like some more tea?” Mario asked.

SMG4 groaned. “I want to die.”

X frowned. “Who’s making these challenges again?”

Toad grinned off to the side as he wrote down another idea. “Oh, that’s a good one… and that one… oh, that’ll definitely humiliate them…”

X sighed. “Alright, ENOUGH!”

Mario and SMG4 froze.

“We’re gonna try something different,” X said. “Let’s have the readers submit challenges for you two, rather than someone like Toad.”

Toad huffed. “Dammit… why can’t I ever have my fun?”

SMG4 grinned as he cracked his knuckles. 

“They say I game faster than light itself.”

He began typing away on his keyboard as fast as he could, pulling up a YouTube video by The Duper Trooper on an effective server crash. After taking it in, he joined the Minecraft server he shared with X, FM, MCG, Onyxking, RM, and Prinplup. He pulled out a book and quill, typed “.randombook random” into chat, copied the content of the book into hundreds of books, which he then used to fill 27 Shulker boxes. He threw them into a hopper attached to a large chest, then held right click. Once the GUI popped up, he pressed Escape… and the server crashed.

Time: 5 minutes 29 seconds

“Job done!” SMG4 said with a grin. He turned to Mario. “Beat that, sucker!”

Mario, his idiot face on, joined the server and then DMed Steve.

theawesomemario: wanna join my minecraft server

CHICKENS: k

Steve joined the server. Within seconds, he pulled out chicken spawn eggs and spawned hundreds of chickens, causing the server to crash.

Time: 17 seconds

MARIO WINS!

SMG4 gawked as Mario danced in victory.

“AW, COME ON!”

“Alright, Captain Toad.” SMG4 looked around. “Where are we going?”

“Yeah?” Mario grinned. “What’s-a this oh so dangerous place?”

Captain Toad chuckled darkly. Mario and SMG4’s faces fell.

“Oh, simple,” he said. “We’re going to one of the most dangerous, most terrifying, most utterly terrible places in the world…”

Even though he was a bit nervous, Mario scoffed. “Pfft. It can’t be so bad.”

Captain Toad stepped to the top of the hill, grinning as he overlooked the area before him. Mario and SMG4 followed him up, only for SMG4 to freeze.

“Oh, no…”

Before them was a massive city. A giant tower stood at the center of it, a glowing blue light atop it blinding Mario a bit.

Also, the city was engulfed in flames.

“Hm?” Mario glanced at SMG4. “What is this place?”

“You… you didn’t…”

Captain Toad grinned. “Oh, I did.”

“SMG4…?” Mario placed a hand on the YouTuber’s shoulder. “Where… where are we?”

SMG4 gulped. “We’re in a place that no optimist or kind person has emerged unscathed. Where bad opinions, hot takes, and controversy reigns supreme…”

As Mario’s eyes adjusted to the light, he noticed it was coming from a massive sign, bearing the appearance of a giant blue bird.

“...Twitter.”

Mario gulped.

“H-Hey, C.T.,” SMG4 said, shaking. “You… you sure we should do this? I-I mean… it’s Twitter.”

Captain Toad scoffed, his optimistic, confident smile ever present. “Oh, please. It’s just a new, treacherous, deadly, dangerous place to explore! What’s not to love?”

SMG4 backed up a bit. “Y-Y’know what, c-can we just do a different challenge?”

“So… you forfeit?” Captain Toad grinned slyly.

“What? N-NO! I-I just…”

“THEN LET’S GO!”

“Eh, he’s right.” Mario shrugged. “How bad can it be?”

As he watched Mario follow Captain Toad. SMG4 took a deep breath.

“It’s fine,” he assured himself. “You’ve used Twitter before. Just… steer clear of the controversy and you’re fine!”

Ten minutes later…

“It’s so interesting hearing what other people have to say! Even if they are wrong half the time,” Captain Toad said excitedly. “It’s actually pretty fun so far!” He turned around. “What do you guys think?”

Mario and SMG4 lay on the ground, on fire and reduced to skeletons.

“Somebody kill me!” Mario pleaded.

“Ugh…” SMG4 groaned as he lay on the floor. “Do we have to do another challenge? I don’t know how much more I can take after that…”

“Mario wants to die.”

X sighed. “SMG4, are you willing to forgive Mario?”

“NO! He ruined my computer! And destroyed Kai’s party and hospitalized his penguin, too.”

“It wasn’t Mario’s fault!” Mario snapped. “Besides, you ruined my spaghetti with fish!”

X sighed. “Alright, one more challenge to break the tie. Then we’re done, okay?”

SMG4 huffed. “Fine. What’s it gonna be?”

X looked at his phone. “Huh. There… aren’t any more challenges.”

“I HAVE AN IDEA!” FM shouted, appearing out of nowhere. 

X jumped. “ACK – geez, FM, some warning would be appreciated!”

FM chuckled, rubbing the back of his head as Cube popped up beside him. “Oh, sorry.” He stuck up an index finger. “BUT! I know what their final challenge could be!”

He leaned over to X and whispered in his ear. X perked up, then grinned.

“Oh, yeah. That works.”

“What?” SMG4 asked. “What works?”

X snapped his fingers, and everything went white.

SMG4 blinked. He stood on what appeared to be Final Destination.

“Huh?” He looked up to see Mario opposite him. “What’s going on?”

Mario grinned. “WE’RE FIGHTING, BITCH!” He charged forward. SMG4 yelped and threw his arms up.

“STOP!”

Mario froze inches away from SMG4 as X floated down. FM and Cube were beside him on the cloud.

“You two will be having a rap battle!” FM announced, pulling out a stereo and hitting the play button.

SMG4 grinned. “Welp, I’ve already won.”

Mario’s eyes narrowed. “OH HELL NAW!”

Final Challenge: RAP BATTLE!

Mario: It’s-a me, Mario!

You all know me! I’m the hero!

You just don’t seem to understand

That I’ll bury your ass in the sand!

You call yourself SMG4?

I think you’re more of an SMG-Snore.

Mario could help you stop being a nerd,

But you know what they say: you can’t polish a turd.

Mario puts on shades, grinning as FM sounds off a party horn in the background after Mario’s roast. X is not amused.

SMG4: Oh, boy, it’s time to wreck a fat Italian.

Maybe after this I can get a big medallion.

SMG4 holds out a small medal with Mario’s face engraved on it.

It can be a pendant of the man I really hate –

Cut to SMG4 standing in front of a blackboard, with a chalk picture of Mario drawn on it. Three labels are also present, with arrows pointing to Mario.

Lazy, annoying, and overweight.

SMG4 points to each label as he sings. He then kicks the blackboard off of the stage.

Sure, you saved the Kingdom,

But what good does that do

When the next bane of our existence

Just ends up being you?

Mario: Eh, don’t worry.

It won’t matter soon,

‘Cause Mario’s about to win

And there’s-a nothing you can do!

SMG4: Please, you think you’re even close to a worthy foe?

Come on now, I’ll show you how a proper rap goes…

Suddenly, something crashed down behind them. A shadow towered above the two. They looked around to see none other than Bowser. The Koopa King chuckled.

“ Please . Just stand down and make way for the king of the Koopas… to lay down some beats.”

EM64 popped up behind him. “This is stupid. We should be finishing our plan …”

“Oh, c’mon , you can’t tell me you don’t want some sort of villain song before the end of Season 1.”

“…Eh, screw it.”

Bowser: It’s me, the king,

The epitome of swagger,

Here to wreck the nagging asses

Of you two braggers!

EM64: And with him is me,

Greatest villain of all time!

And once we’re done with you,

This whole world will be mine!

Bowser & EM64: Now watch us blow you away in a flash

As we showcase our army and fat stacks of cash!

Mario: Looks like the turtle decided to come out of his shell.

But meh, whatever. I’m gonna send you to hell

With my rhymes so hot, they’ll melt your face.

Then after taking Peach home, maybe even get to third base.

SMG4: Oh, geez, the villains. I’m gonna need my glasses,

‘Cause now this room has three giant asses.

Just go away, you’re not wanted here!

Go to the playground, where you might actually be feared.

Mario: Bowser, you’re a joke! Have you seen the way you look?

You look like something Frankie drew in a coloring book!

You really think that Peach is the way you’ll come to power?

Try taking a shower – maybe she’ll stay an extra hour!

And EM64, you’re just another recolor –

Like SMG4, you’re-a nothing other.

So just go away, Mario doesn’t want your sass!

Get outta here before I kick your sunburned ass!

Bowser: Oh boy, Mario, my fat Italian foe.

You tryin’ to act cool? Well, that’s a new low!

You think Peach loves you? Your relationship’s a lie!

Soon as she sees me, her panties fly!

So go ahead, have a tug on my tail.

Try to spin me around as I watch you fail.

EM64: You think yourself a hero

When your IQ is zero.

Couldn’t be more stupid

If shot by some “Idiot Cupid”.

I’d say idiocy is burned into your brain,

But that’s being generous.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have victory to claim,

Before making this world splendorous.

Mario fell to his knees.

SMG4: Not surprised Mario’s down first,

But here I’ll stop your power thirst!

You can’t beat me and my thousands of subs!

‘Sides, your lines are about as fire as T-Dubs!

Bowser does the same thing over and over,

Hoping that someday he’ll win Peach over.

Can’t you see that you’ll always fail?

Just go back home, tuck in your tail.

EM64, you call yourself great,

The smartest, the strongest, glory is your fate.

But you just want power and nothing more,

And villains like that are kinda a bore.

EM64: Oh, please, look at you:

The perfect audience link.

But what you don’t see is

We’re more alike than you’d think.

You act like you’re great and always right;

Smart, funny, and always winning the fight.

But you just can’t accept responsibility,

And that’s why your fans are far less happy.

Bowser: SMG4, the star, the man of the hour.

Shame that when you’re fighting you just sit there and cower.

If I were you right now, I’d be completely scared.

You should stay away from me, even if you’re prepared.

I’m a 10-foot dragon, are you visually impaired?

Don’t worry, ‘cause no one really cared.

EM64: You think you’re cool?

Let’s give you a pitch:

EM64 pulled out a book labeled “SMG4 Encyclopedia” and began flipping pages.

You’re worthless, pathetic,

And a downright bitch.

Bowser & EM64: All your fans think you’re weird and inconsistent,

And you bring shame to the word “glitch”.

The two threw shades on.

SMG4 stood frozen, shocked to his core. His head fell to the ground. After a moment, he and Mario looked up at each other and nodded.

Mario: Shut up, Bowser! No one likes you! You’re a mess!

SMG4: How could Peach like you if you don’t know how to dress?

Mario: You’re supposed to be a dragon, but you can’t even fly!

SMG4: The guy who made you must’ve been really freakin’ high.

Mario: And EM64, you can’t even compete!

SMG4: Where Bowser is kinda fun, you’re just a deadbeat.

Mario: Just another basic villain who just wants to kill us.

SMG4: You could at least pretend to be worth all the fuss.

Mario: Ya’ll are worthless, ugly, and just annoying overall!

SMG4: So just go back home and swing on your Bowser balls…

KO!

Bowser stumbled back, crashing into EM64 and falling off the stage.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE I SHAVED MY LEGS FOR THIIIIISSS!”

“I TOLD YOU THIS WAS STUPID!”

As the two disappeared, Mario and SMG4 shared a high-five.

FINISH!

“Well, that was sure fun!” Mario said.

“Say, Mario…” SMG4 looked up. “Sorry I… lashed out like that. I’m still mad about the computer, but… I shouldn’t have assumed you were at fault when it came to Kai’s birthday. That explosion probably would’ve happened anyways.” He thought for a moment. “Actually, maybe it was SMG3…”

“Hey, it’s-a fine!” Mario said cheerfully. “And Mario’s sorry for scribbling on your computer!”

“Friends?”

“Friends!”

A beat passed.

“…We still gotta find out who won, right?”

“Aw, hell yeah!”

The two ran over to X.

“So X – who won?” SMG4 inquired.

“Yeah! Was it Mario?” Mario asked cheekily.

“No way, it was me!” SMG4 argued.

X blinked. “Uh… I don’t know how to call that one. I… I guess there is one solution to this…”

He turned to face the readers. Mario, SMG4, and FM followed his gaze. FM squinted in confusion. 

“…What the fuck are we looking at?”

Chapter Text

“How’s the painting going?” Toadsworth asked.

Babeh sighed, clearly not enthused to be doing this job. “Good, Gramps.”

Frankie picked up a can of orange paint and shoved the whole thing into his mouth. He promptly choked and collapsed.

Mario grinned, having painted a blue smiley face with the word “ASS” underneath. “That’s-a so nice!”

“Oh dear,” Toadsworth said, looking at Frankie. “It seems that we’re out of orange paint.” He looked over to the Italian. “Mario, could you fetch some more?”

“Okie-dokie!”

Mario dropped his paintbrush and ran off, while Babeh grabbed the now-empty paint can and pulled it out of Frankie’s mouth.

The young Toad groaned. “Why won’t you let me die?!”

Mario walked through the basement, passing Depresso as the clown cried on the floor. He soon found the paint he was looking for in the place where the Chain Chomp had cornered him, MCG, and Luigi. The green Warp Pipe stood nearby.

Mario quickly grabbed the lid and pulled it off.

“Oh, yeah!”

Suddenly, the can moved.

“Da faq?”

Mario leaned over the can, looking into it.

Suddenly, in a burst of paint, the can flew up, drenching Mario and the entire area in orange paint.

“Freedom!”

Mario looked up to see an orange Inkling in squid form, leaping in and out of the paint as it made its way towards the Warp Pipe.

“HEY!” the Italian shouted. “GET BACK HERE!”

Mario chased the Inkling, managing to grab onto it just as it entered the Warp Pipe, dragging him through as well. Mario screamed as he fell, going who-knows-where…

Mario and the Inkling shot out the pipe. Mario looked up, his jaw dropping at the sight before him.

A massive city square sprawled before him. A glowing sign read “Welcome to Inkopolis”. Inklings and a few Octolings walked around the square.

“HOLY SHIT!” Mario cried in awe.

The orange Inkling reverted to her humanoid form. She wore a Zink Layered LS t-shirt, with a label that bore a resemblance to her head and the words “Splat Squad” in Inkling dialect on the front. Covering her feet were a pair of Octoling Boots. She wore three pieces of headgear – a Short Beanie that had the name “One-Shot Wren” scrawled on the brim in Inkling dialect and a bisexual pride pin pegged on, Pilot Goggles, and Studio Headphones. Her eyes were two different colors – her left was cyan, and her right magenta.

“Get away, creep!” she shouted, pulling out a Splattershot. “You were the one who trapped me in there yesterday, weren’t you?”

“...Where am I? What is this place?”

“Uh… Inkopolis?” She lowered her Splattershot. “You… don’t know this place?”

Mario shrugged.

“Huh. Guess you weren’t the one who trapped me…” She put her weapon away. “Sorry for being hostile. Name’s Meggy, rising star of the Turf War arena!”

She held out a hand. Mario happily shook it.

Suddenly, Meggy’s Ink Phone vibrated.

“Oh, shoot!” she exclaimed, pulling away. “I’m late for training! See ya, Red!”

Meggy rushed off as Mario waved farewell. With the Inkling gone, Mario began looking around the city.

As he walked, he looked up to see a broadcast by the Squid Sisters. He quickly spotted their recording booth.

“That’s right, Callie,” Marie said. “Two days ‘til Splatfest!”

“If any of you somehow don’t know what Splatfest is,” Callie said sarcastically, “it’s an annual series of Turf Wars between a number of teams until one rises above the others. It’s one of the biggest traditions here in Inkopolis.”

“Last year’s Splatfest was historic because it featured the first Octoling team to compete, Team Octoposse, who gave a shockingly close match against veteran Wren “One-Shot Wren” Vayla in his final year of competing,” Marie noted. “With news that the Octoposse will once again be competing this year, we’ll have to see if this year’s Splatfest will turn out to be just as historic!”

“Welp, that’s all for now!” Callie said. “Until next time…”

The sisters posed.

“Stay fresh!”

As the feed cut and the green screen behind the Squid Sisters was rolled away, Marie turned around… and screamed, jumping back. Callie quickly whipped around to see what the problem was.

Mario’s face was pressed up against the glass behind them, a stupid grin on his face.

“HELLO!”

“Did you order pizza or something?” Marie asked her cousin as Mario danced behind them.

“No?”

“Then who is this guy?”

“Uh… your relative?”

Marie blinked, unamused. “Callie...”

“What?!”

“You’re sure you don’t know this guy?” She glanced back at Mario.

“No!” Callie shook her head vigorously. “I only know one person that’s not an Inkling!”

“Right, your boyfriend...”

“Bolt is NOT–”

“So how does Mario do that Splatfest thing you talked about?” Mario asked, interrupting Callie’s outburst.

“Well…” Marie looked away, rubbing the back of her neck. “You gotta get a team first – three others willing to help you claim victory.”

Mario grinned. “Wanna join Team Mario?”

A beat passed.

Mario was then sent flying out the window.

“CALLIE!”

“What? He’s fine, see?”

Mario grumbled as he stood back up, his head on sideways. He quickly snapped his head back into its proper place and began to walk away.

“Where can Mario find a team…?” he muttered.

Then, he spotted Meggy nearby. She was walking off towards what looked like a training ground. An idea floating through his mostly empty head, Mario rushed after her.

At the training grounds, Meggy leapt into the air, firing her Splattershot at a target and hitting a bullseye. She landed on the ground, rolling onto her feet before jumping back up.

Nearby, an Inkling boy, with orange tentacles and brown eyes, wearing Studio Headphones, a Zink Layered LS, and Pink Trainers, whipped out his Splat Dualies, quickly hitting two targets.

“Nice one, Sam!” Meggy called out.

Sam gave a thumbs-up. “Thanks, Megs!”

Meggy’s eye twitched. She huffed, pouting. “I told you not to call me that…”

Above, another orange-tentacled Inkling, this one wearing Octoleet Goggles, Octoling Armor, and Purple Hi-Horses, took careful aim with his Splat Charger, quickly sniping five targets from his vantage point.

“Yo, Kenji!” Sam called up once all five were down. “You still got it, man!”

Kenji’s face went a bit red, and he looked away. He’d always been one to take compliments extremely humbly.

“I-It was nothing,” he muttered. “J-Just a shot. R-Really...”

“Sam’s right!” Meggy smiled up at him. “Great job,  Kenji!”

His face got a bit more red, but he let out a small, shy smile.

“AH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Nearby, a shockingly huge blue-tentacled Inkling fired with his Heavy Splatling, mowing down target after target. He wore an outfit similar to that of a TF2 RED Heavy Weapons Guy. He spoke with a similar voice to him, too, but more… Inkling.

“Great work, Hevy!” Meggy shot the final member of her team a thumbs up. Hevy shot one back, hoisting his Heavy Splatling onto his shoulder.

“HELLO!”

Startled by the new voice, Meggy pulled out her Splattershot and whipped around, firing in the direction of the new arrival… and hitting Mario smack in the face, sending him flying back.

“Ow…”

Meggy blinked. “Oh. Hi, Red! Uh… sorry ‘bout that!” She chuckled, putting away her Splattershot.

“Who’s this guy?” Sam asked as Meggy helped Mario up. Kenji hopped down to join them.

“He’s the guy I mentioned,” Meggy replied as Mario shook the paint off. “The one who freed me from that paint can.”

“His name is Red?”

“Oh, no. I…” Meggy paused. “I didn’t get your name!” She whipped around to face Mario. “What is your name?”

Mario grinned. “Imma Mario!”

“Well, nice to officially meet you, Mario!” The Inkling smiled. “We were just training for Splatfest.”

“Oh!” Mario perked up. “Can Mario join your team?”

“Uh…” Meggy looked away. “Sorry, Red… Team Splat Squad is kinda… full right now…”

“‘Sides…” Sam narrowed his eyes. “Don’t think a human would cut it in Splatfest.”

Meggy cast a glare back at the other Inkling. “Samuel…”

“Do not call me Samuel,” Sam hissed.

“Don’t call me Megs,” Meggy retorted. “And don’t be rude to Mario. He freed me. Without him, you wouldn’t even be competing in Splatfest.”

Sam’s eye twitched. The two stared each other down for a few moments before Sam finally huffed, pouting in defeat. Meggy smirked triumphantly.

Mario huffed. “Mario’s good enough to join!”

“Sorry, Mario, but… our team’s full right now, and–”

And then the explosion happened.

“WHAT THE CARP?!” Sam shouted. “WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!”

“DON’T KNOW!” Meggy shouted back, coughing through the smoke. “Kenji!”

“O-On it!” Kenji pulled out an Octobrush and, with a single swipe, dissipated the smoke. 

Evidently, Hevy’s Splatling had exploded. Hevy himself had been knocked back and seemed to be recovering fine, but now that the smoke was clear, it was clear that his shoulder and arm had been injured. Hevy grunted as he tried to pull himself up with the injured arm, only for pain to echo through his arm.

“You alright, Hevy?” Kenji asked, approaching his teammate.

“Hevy will be fine,” Hevy grunted. He winced, clutching his arm. “...Maybe not too fine.”

“Y-You should go get help!” Kenji said.

“Hevy does not need help!”

“Hevy…”

After a moment, Hevy huffed.

“Fine,” he mumbled. “Hevy will go find doctor.”

As Hevy lumbered off, Sam groaned.

“Well, this is just great,” he muttered. “Hevy’s not gonna be able to compete now. How does a gun just explode?”

“S-Sabotage.”

The three looked over to Kenji as he picked up Hevy’s ruined Splatling.

“Someone sabotaged us,” he noted. “It’s clear. I-I know how Splatlings are designed, and this thing has a few parts out of place. A-At least, that’s what I can t-tell from its remains.”

“NEEEEEERRRRRD!” Mario shouted. Meggy elbowed him in the face, shutting him up.

“So… any idea who?” she asked.

“N-Nope.” Kenji set the ruined Splatling down. “B-But… whoever it was d-doesn’t want us to win.”

“Which means they’re afraid of us.” Sam grinned. “Guess we got some fierce competition, huh?”

Meggy sighed. “I’d look forward to it more if we were actually able to compete with only three members…”

Mario’s face lit up. “HEY! How about Mario joins?”

Sam was clearly trying to hold in a laugh. Meggy cast a glare back at him.

“What?” the Inkling boy asked. “Two things: one, he’s an idiot. That’s easy enough to tell from the few words he’s spoken to us.”

“Hevy isn’t that bright, either, but you’re friends with him,” Meggy pointed out. “Is the second thing because he’s human?”

“Well… Hevy’s still smarter than this guy…” Sam grumbled. “And… maybe it was because he’s human…”

Meggy groaned. “Sam, look, man, at least give him a chance!”

“Oh, yeah!” Mario gave a thumbs up. “Mario’s gonna win!”

After a moment, Sam sighed. “Fine. Give him a shot, Megs. But if he costs us the competition, it’s on you.”

Meggy huffed. “That’s not completely fair. Hevy’s in another league, and you know it.”

“I specifically mean if one of his actions directly results in us losing,” Sam clarified. “I’m not petty. Or anything.”

Meggy rolled her eyes. “Sure.”

Mario cheered. “Mario’s gon’ kill some bitches!”

Chapter Text

“Alright!” Meggy looked towards Mario, a stern expression on her face. “So… you wanna join Splatfest, huh?”

“Oh, yeah!” Mario cheered.

“First things first, we need to train!”

“Oh, no …”

Meggy sighed. “Look, Red, I need you to help. Not only are you our only hope at winning Splatfest, but if you do good, I can lord this over Sam for a good while.”

“I HEARD THAT!”

“I know. You’re right behind me, Sam.”

Sam huffed.

“First, we need to factor in your… limitations, as a human,” Meggy noted. “Not trying to be rude or racist–”

“You mean speciesist,” Kenji corrected. “It’s about species in this case.”

“Oh. Thanks, Kenji. Not trying to be rude or speciesist or anything, but humans aren’t as… versatile as Inklings or Octolings.”

“Still don’t get why they let freakin’ Octolings compete in Splatfest… know what they did…” Sam muttered.

“Sam?”

“Yeah, Kenji?”

“Shut the hell up.”

Sam groaned.

“Anyways,” Meggy growled, sending a glare in Sam’s direction. “You’re gonna have a hard time recharging – unlike us, I’m fairly sure humans can’t just turn into ink and refuel, nor can you travel across the ink we lay down. So…”

She turned around. “Kenji, can you try to throw together a workaround?”

“I-I’ll do my best!”

“Alright.” Meggy turned back to Mario. “Now, with that out of the way… Turf Wars. The primary part of Splatfest.”

Meggy pulled out a blackboard and began writing. “Turf Wars are territorial. You try to cover as much ground with your team’s color of ink before the other team can. Our ink color is orange.”

Mario paused. “Wait. What about the other guy? He was blue.”

“Hevy?” Meggy asked. “Oh! See, ink color isn’t always tied to tentacle color. Some have different colored tentacles than they do ink. Hevy’s one of those.”

“Okie-dokie!”

“Now, back on topic. You can delay the other team by taking them out.” Meggy pulled out an armband. “Put this on, and once you take a certain amount of damage from ink attacks, you’ll return to your spawn point after a brief delay. So long as one of these is equipped, you cannot take any permanent damage within the arena. I don’t know whether or not it works for humans, but… we’ll figure it out.”

“Don’t worry!” Mario grabbed the armband and put it on. “Mario can test it!”

Mario looked over to a nearby ledge and began to spring for it.

“MARIO, WAIT!” Meggy shouted. “YOU NEED TO REGISTER A–”

Mario leapt off the ledge.

“–checkpoint.”

Mario crashed into the ground with a loud crack. His limbs were bent completely in the wrong directions.

“...Mario’s okie-dokie!”

Meggy sighed.

“Next, you need a weapon,” Meggy said, a rack filled with weapons behind her. “Make your choice.”

“Ooooo.” Mario picked up a Mini Splatling. “Mario likes this gun!”

“Alright, now let’s train!” Meggy cheered.

Mario grinned. “Oh, yeah!”

“You do that,” Sam muttered. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to go meet for a family thing.”

Meggy cast a deadpan look in his direction. “No you don’t, Sam.”

“...Alright, fine, I just wanna go out for a bit.”

“I-I’m gonna go home, t-too,” Kenji stuttered. “G-Get to work on finding a way for M-Mario to work with the ink.”

“Alright.” Meggy shot the two a thumbs up. “Just meet back here tomorrow!”

As the two Inklings left, Meggy turned to Mario. “Alright, Red. Let’s get to work!”

Mario ducked behind a barrier, huffing. Meggy watched from the ledge above, Splattershot in hand, grinning.

Their training had been rough going at first. But over time, Mario had grown more used to his weapon, and had thus far been putting up a good fight against Meggy.

He pulled out three Splat Bombs and flung them over the wall towards the Inkling girl before ducking back down. Meggy grinned, transforming into squid form and leaping up. Using the Splat Bombs to propel herself through the air, she landed behind Mario as the plumber peeked around the wall to see if he had gotten her.

Mario then felt the barrel of a Splattershot press against his head.

“Ooooo.”

One point-blank shot sent Mario flying.

Meggy rushed over, putting away her Splattershot and helping him up.

“Nice job, Red!” She smiled. “You’ve gotten pretty dang good!”

“Thank you!” Mario said, standing up. “Just make sure not to aim for Mario’s spaghetti noodle next time.”

Meggy rolled her eyes.

“Aww… am I interrupting your little date?~”

Meggy and Mario glanced over to see a quartet of Octoling girls staring them down. Three of them wore identical gear – Octoling Armor and Octoling Boots. Their tentacles were dark slate gray. Their eyes were the notable difference – one violet, one green, one gray.

Their leader, however, was different. She had fuschia tentacles and bright gold eyes. Underneath her right eye was a heart-shaped tattoo. She wore a blue hoodie with a unique design – a small octopus with Octoleet Goggles – and Neo Octoling Boots. Fingerless gloves covered her hands. In one, she held a Blaster, and she wore a smug grin on her face.

“An Octoling…?” Meggy muttered.

“What?” The Octoling girl scoffed. “You haven’t heard of…”

She posed, spinning her Blaster in her hand. “DESTI AND THE OCTOPOSSE, unstoppable sensations and inspirations to Octarians everywhere!”

“I dunno,” Meggy muttered with a shrug. “I think One-Shot Wren stopped you pretty good last year…”

Desti’s eye twitched. “He’s One-Shot Wren. I knew how good he was even before I came to Inkopolis.”

“Octoroks?” Mario muttered. “You’re-a from that Zoldo game, right? Met Link once. Bit of an asshole.”

Meggy chuckled.

Desti’s eyes narrowed. She growled, aiming her Blaster and taking a shot at Mario. Purple, sparking ink slammed into him and sent him flying back.

Meggy sneered. “HEY! You looking for a fight?”

Desti took a step forward, only for the gray-eyed Octoling to grab her arm.

“Calm down, Desti,” she said. “Breathe. She’s not worth it.”

Desti took a deep breath, then put her Blaster up, smiling. She turned away from Meggy. “Says the girl who lost in the first round of Splatfest.”

“The Silly Squids cheated and you know that!”

“Ugh, that name,” Desti groaned. “But the officials found out just a bit too late to stop that team from going against us, didn’t they, Beanie Girl?” Desti cast a look back. “At least you had a chance of people feeling bad for you. Had I been in the same position, they wouldn’t have considered letting me back in, even if it was discovered just after the match.”

“My name is Meggy.”

“Well, Meggy, hope you get good relatively soon.” Desti glanced over to Mario as he rose. “With that human on your side, you’re bound to lose.”

“The name’s Mario, bitch!”

“He’s got spunk, I’ll give ‘im that.” Desti began walking away, the other members of the Octoposse following close behind. “C’mon, girls. Dina’s right – this Inkling’s not worth our time. Let’s go train so we can own this competition.”

As the Octolings walked off, Mario wiped some ink off of him. “Oooo… any more paint and Mario’s gonna become Bob Ross.”

Meggy growled. “Just who does she think she is, acting all entitled like that?! Oh, when we get to that field, we are gonna destroy them!”

Meggy whipped around to face Mario. “One more day before Splatfest, Red. You gonna head home for the night, or…?”

“Nah, Mario’s too tired.”

“Well, you can come crash at my apartment. I do have a guest bed.”

Mario grinned eager to get some sleep. “Oh, yeah!”

“All right!” Meggy said, pacing in front of her lined-up team the following day. “We have ourselves a new rival: Desti and her Octoposse. With one day ‘til Splatfest, they think they can come up and say that they’re gonna beat us at our own game. Well, we won’t let ‘em! Right, guys?”

Sam and Mario cheered. Kenji smiled nervously, shooting a thumbs up.

“Alright!” Meggy looked to Kenji. “Kenji, how goes the… uh, stuff?”

“Mario’s accommodations are… not working out,” Kenji muttered dejectedly. “Won’t be ready anytime soon, that’s for sure.”

“Well, work harder.” She blinked. “But, uh… don’t… don’t overwork yourself. Or anything. ‘Kay?” She smiled nervously.

“Al-Alright.”

Meggy glanced towards Sam, who had a sly grin on his face. It was quickly wiped away when Meggy sent a glare in his direction. “Sam, you’re gonna have to set aside those prejudices you have and work with Red. Okay?”

“Sure.” Sam cocked an eyebrow. “But why are you still calling him “Red”? You know his name.”

“Shorter than Mario. And Red–”

“What about Kenji, huh? No name-shortening for him. What’s that about?”

Meggy’s shit a glare at Sam, her face going a bit red. After a few moments, she took a deep breath and turned back to Mario. “...you’re gonna do the best you can. Okay?”

“Okay!”

“Alright.” Meggy pulled out her Splattershot. “Ready, guys?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Heck yeah!”

“M-hm!”

“Alright!” Meggy grinned. “Let’s get ready to kick some Octoling ass!”

After a long day of hard work and training, Mario and Meggy sat on the rooftop of the latter’s apartment complex, their legs dangling off the ledge as they looked out towards the beautiful sunset. The vermilion light poured across the shining towers of the city.

“Say, Red…” Meggy turned to her newfound friend. “Do… do you think we can really do this?”

Mario shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“I… I just… worry.” Meggy looked down. “What if I’m not… y’know, good enough? Winning Splatfest has been my dream since I was a little girl. Since I met Wren. But now… what if that Desti girl’s right? What if I can’t cut it?”

“Hey, don’t listen to assholes like that,” Mario replied. “Like you said – we’ll try our-a best.”

Meggy smiled. “Thanks, Red.”

“No problem!”

She hopped back, her feet hitting the solid roof with a light thud. “Now, let’s get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.”

“Okie-dokie!”

Mario followed Meggy in, shutting the door to the roof behind him.

Chapter Text

“WELCOME BACK, VIEWERS!” Callie shouted excitedly into the microphone. Marie winced at the volume of her voice. “WHO’S READY FOR THE NEXT TURF WAR?!”

Cheering resounded from around the stadium.

“As you already know, in the previous match, the Octoposse defeated Team Kelp Buds,” Marie noted. “This match, we have a returning face: Team Splat Squad!”

Meggy took a deep breath as the platform rose. Kenji put his Octoleet Goggles on, relaxing as he did so, while Sam stretched. Mario just grinned stupidly, holding his Mini Splatling in his hands.

“After facing an unfair loss last year that was discovered too late for anything to be done, the Splat Squad have returned to make up for that loss.”

“But of course, we still have to introduce the other team!” Callie pointed to the other side of the arena. “Breakout stars of last year’s Splatfest who had their career tragically cut short in the quarterfinals by the ever-more-popular Octoposse, it’s the Ink Brigade!”

A group of four blue-tentacled Inklings emerged opposite the Splat Squad.

“Alright, team,” the leader, an Inkling boy, began, equipping his Octoleet Goggles. “Remember, do your best. Don’t pull any foul play. They’re on the lookout this year.”

“Ugh, fine,” one of the girls muttered.

“Treat Ethan with respect, Avery,” a second girl muttered. “He’s our leader, after all.”

“Blow it outta your ass, Kayla.”

“Girls, calm down!” the third girl hissed, getting between the two. “We need to focus on fighting the Splat Squad, not each other!”

“Mildred’s right.” Ethan cast a glare back at the other two. “We have a Splatfest to win.”

Avery sighed. “Fine…”

In the stands, Desti sat down, the Octoposse close behind.

“What are we doing here, Desti?” the green-eyed Octoling asked. “Shouldn’t we be getting ready for our next match?”

“That Meggy girl talked up a big game, Paz,” Desti replied. “I wanna see if she can live up to it. Gotta scope out the competition, you know?”

Nearby, another Inkling team, this one entirely with cyan tentacles, gazed down at the field.

“Pfft. They lost first round last time,” the leader muttered, her yellow eyes looking over the field. “They won’t make it far. Right, Caleb?”

An Inkling boy with sunglasses shot her a thumbs up, grinning.

“What about that Octoling team, Nike?” One of her team members, wearing a yellow jacket with turquoise and pink markings on it, and a gas mask over his face, gestured over towards the Octoposse. “They could be dangerous.”

Nike laughed aloud. “The Octoposse? They’re Octolings. They can’t compare to us Inklings.”

“Hey! Leave the Octolings alone!”

The four turned around to see Onyxking behind them.

“A human?” Nike scoffed. “Really? How’d you get in here?”

“I let him in, that’s how.”

An Inkling girl stood over them. Her tentacles and irises were blood-red, and she wore a Blowfish Bell Hat, a Black Inky Rider, and Blue Sea Slugs. Her eyes pierced through Nike, the Inkling feeling a shiver run through her spine.

“You got a problem?” She cracked her knuckles. “‘Cause if you do, I’m sure the officials will happily evict you. Or I’ll take you myself. Take your pick, bitch.”

Nike huffed, turning back around, with the other three Inklings following suit.

Onyxking sighed. “Thanks, Zelus. They’d have mopped the floor with me.”

Zelus sighed, taking the seat next to Onyxking and crossing her arms. “Just ignore them. Inkopolis is slow going when it comes to being… open to other species. You know that, of course.”

Onyxking looked back down at the field and froze. He squinted, taking a better look at the Splat Squad.

“Is… is that Mario down there?”

Down on the field, Meggy closed her eyes. She took a deep breath, steeled her nerves, and turned to face her team.

“Alright, guys. Ready?”

Sam grinned. “Heck yeah.”

Kenji smiled. “Yes.”

Mario smiled widely, hefting his Mini Splatling. “Mario’s gonna kill some bitches!”

“Alright, Splat Squad…” Meggy twirled her Splattershot in her hand, grinning as she looked across the field. “Let’s kick some ass!”

“READY!” Callie shouted.

“SET!” Marie called out.

“GO!” the sisters shouted in unison. A blowhorn sounded off, signaling the start of the match.

Both teams rushed ahead, firing their weapons anywhere they could.

“Sam, flank left! Kenji, right!” Meggy ordered.

The two Inkling boys veered off, following Meggy’s instructions.

“Red, you–”

Mario rushed ahead, shouting out “LEROOOOOOOYYYY JEEEEENKIIIINNNSSS!”

“Red!”

Mario began spinning around, firing his Mini Splatling wildly. However, a well-thrown Splat Bomb courtesy of Avery sent him back to the respawn point.

“Mamafucker!”

Meggy sighed. “Mario, you gotta work with the team!”

Meggy ran around the corner, only to find herself in the crosshairs of Kayla’s Splatterscope. Meggy turned to her squid form, diving into some of the orange ink on the ground to dodge one of Kayla’s shots. Using the ink as cover, she swam over to the Inkling, dodging shot after shot.

Mario turned to see Mildred, aiming a Mini Splatling at him. He ran around wildly attempting to dodge every shot, but being unsuccessful. He quickly ducked around a corner.

Meggy returned to her primary form, only to find the barrel of a Splattershot aimed at her.

“It’s over, girl,” Kayla growled, and she pulled the trigger.

Meggy grinned, leaping up and back onto the wall behind her. She then bounced off the wall, flying over Ethan’s head. As she neared the ground, she pulled out her Splattershot. The instant she landed, she fired the Splattershot, sending Ethan back to the spawnpoint.

Mario, observing, grinned. He put on a pair of shades and leapt around the corner.

“It’s-a Mario time!”

Mario tried to run up the wall, only to fall and hit the ground with a loud cry of “OW!”.

Mildred’s following Splat Bomb sent Mario flying through the air, screaming, over Callie and Marie. Callie pulled out a sign that read “10/10”.

A couple minutes passed. Meggy, Sam, and Kenji all fought hard and with skill, while Mario did his best to keep up with the more experienced trio.

“Would you look at that!” Marie said, pointing to the clock, which now had one minute left on it. “Only one minute left! And our competitors seem pretty evenly matched!”

“Enough messing around, Red!” Meggy shouted. “There’s not enough time!”

Mario huffed. “Alright, that’s it! Time to do things the Mario way!”

“GOTCHA, BITCH!”

Mario turned to see Ethan, a Splat Bomb in hand. He threw it in Mario’s direction.

Mario, in turn, pulled out a golf club and carefully aimed it.

“FOOUUUR!”

Mario swung, hitting the Splat Bomb and returning it to its sender.

“OH, WHAT THE FU–”

The explosion sent Ethan flying back. Mario then pulled out a Splattershot and fired it at himself.

“Imma gonna fly for you.”

He leapt into the air and began spinning, sending the ink covering his body in every direction.

“Dang,” Kenji muttered, looking on. “He’s not that bad.”

In the stands, Desti cocked an eyebrow. “Very creative, that human…”

Back on the field, Avery scowled. “Alright, that’s enough!”

She converted into a monstrous squid form and rushed towards Mario as he landed on the ground. Mario saw Avery coming and leapt up, stomping on her and sending her back to the respawn point.

Ten seconds were left on the clock.

Meggy coated a platform with her Splattershot.

Sam coated the ground with his Splat Roller.

Kenji blasted Kayla from afar with his Splatterscope.

Mario emptied a container labeled “Mario Paint”, the orange paint covering the area.

A loud buzzer went off. Time was up.

“TIME’S UP!” Marie announced. “Callie, the results?”

Callie looked over the points and the field. “And the winner is…”

Meggy turned and looked up towards the announcer’s stand. The other members of the Splat Squad followed suit, all nervous.

“...THE INK BRIGADE!”

The Ink Brigade cheered wildly. 

Desti sighed and leaned back. 

Nike scoffed. “Of course they lost. They have a human on their team.”

“Watch it,” Zelus growled from behind them.

Meggy fell to her knees. “We… lost…? After everything we did, we still…”

Mario looked over at Meggy as tears began to fall. A feeling creeped through his heart. He felt… sorry for her.

Mario made his way over to Meggy and sat down next to her, patting her on the back.

“It’s okay…”

The other members of the Splat Squad joined them. After a moment, Mario spoke again.

“You know, there’s-a something my brother Luigi told me once: even when the spaghetti’s all gone, there’re still the meatballs left over.”

Meggy looked up. “...What?”

“He explained it to me, but I forgot.” Mario shrugged. “Ooo, Mario’s hungry now.”

Meggy chuckled. “Y-You’re so stupid, Red…” Her words were laced with care, and it was obvious enough to everyone that her words were in jest.

“Thank you!”

Meggy wiped the tears from her eyes. “Well, this just means we’ll have to try even harder next year!”

“Oh, yeah!”

“That’s the spirit, Megs!” Sam said, clapping her on the back. “Now, let’s get going. You know how Mom and Dad get.”

Meggy smiled. “Yeah…”

Mario looked between them. “Wait… you two are related?!”

Later, Meggy, Sam, and Kenji waved goodbye. Mario waved back, and they went their separate ways.

Mario walked closer to the Warp Pipe, only to find it blocked off. An Inkling and Octoling stood nearby, whom any Inkopolis native would recognize as Pearl and Marina respectively, a pair of stars known as Off The Hook.

“HEY!” Mario shouted, running over to them. “What’s-a going on here?!”

“Sorry, pal,” Pearl said, walking over to Mario. “The Warp Pipe has a Salmonid infestation, so we had to–”

“AH!” Mario screamed, jumping back. “TALKING BABY!”

Mario used a combo of two punches and a kick to send Pearl flying into the Warp Pipe, where a Salmonid quickly grabbed her.

“PEARL!” Marina shouted, running over to the pipe, distress in her voice.

Mario watched, his eyes wide. He turned around and walked away, whistling.

After he was far enough away, he sighed. “How’s Mario gonna get home now?”

He then noticed a sign, pointing to a subway.

“Oooo.”

Mario ran in the direction of the subway, not knowing that he was being watched by a particular Octoling.

“That guy…” Desti muttered. After a moment, she grinned, pulling out her phone. “Dina, Paz, Andrea. I need your help.”

Suddenly, the yellow and blue hobos Wario had seen popped up out of nowhere.

“Hello!” the yellow one shouted. “Have you heard of our lord and savior Four?”

Desti delivered a swift kick to the two, sending them flying into the distance.

“...Well, that was weird.”

Chapter Text

Mario stretched as he sat down on the subway.

“Finally,” he muttered. “Mario can go home…”

As the subway began moving, Mario noticed that he wasn’t alone. Sitting nearby was an old man, known to the citizens of Inkopolis as Captain Cuttlefish. He was far past his prime at this point; ever since the defeat of Octavio, his age had taken a toll, and he’d become known as a senile old man.

Captain Cuttlefish looked at Mario. “Have you heard that Korean song about that guy and he’s like a horse, gangnam-style?”

“...Wut?”

Suddenly, the subway came to a stop, sending Mario and Captain Cuttlefish flying out of their seats. Cuttlefish landed atop Mario. In response, the Italian screamed, throwing Cuttlefish across the car.

“My ass!” the old man muttered.

Mario watched as the door opened.

“Hey…” He looked around. “This isn’t Mario’s stop…”

Suddenly, Desti peeked in, waving. “Heya!~”

Mario jumped back, putting his hands out in a fighting stance.

“STAY BACK!” he warned. “OR YOU’LL SUFFER MY MARIO-FU!”

Desti rolled her eyes. “Oh, relax. I’m just here to talk, Mari…a?” The Octoling paused, her face scrunching up in concentration. “Wait, Maree-o? Mary? …Mayro?”

“My name’s Mario, bitch!” Mario growled. “What do you want? You gonna shoot me again?”

Desti chuckled. “Oh, uh… yeah, sorry ‘bout that. I’m just here to ask for a favor.”

She stepped forward. “I saw your skills at Splatfest. Not quite the traditional stuff, but that’s overrated, in my opinion. You did all that on the fly. The Octoposse could use someone with that kind of creativity and improv skills. Whaddya say? Wanna join the Octoposse as a backup player, should we need it?”

“...Nah.”

Desti’s face fell. “Wha?”

“Mario’s already got a team,” the Italian pointed out. “And your team name sounds stupid.”

Desti cocked an eyebrow. “Maybe you could reconsider…?”

Mario’s eyes widened. He heard a threat in that. He quickly looked around before pointing out the window.

“BUZZ LOOK AN ALIEN!”

Desti looked behind her, giving Mario the chance to run for it. By the time Desti realized what had happened, the Italian was long gone.

The Octoling sighed. “Dammit…” She pulled out her Ink Phone and called up one of her teammates. “Dina, get ready.”

“You sure ‘bout this, Desti? ” Dina asked. “Trying to convince someone to join like this isn’t very effective…”

“I’m trying to… to be someone different. To not be scolded or treated like garbage or hated for once in our lives. This is our chance to make a name for ourselves, outside of Fa… him. This guy has the skill necessary to win, if he’s given the right direction. We can inspire people, Dina.”

After a moment, Dina sighed.

“...Fine. We’ll catch him.”

“Thanks, Dina.”

With that, Desti hung up. She pulled out her Blaster and headed after Mario.

As Mario ran down the hallway, the violet-eyed Octoling jumped out from a doorway, a Heavy Splatling in hand.

“GET OVER HERE!” she shouted, opening fire. Mario screamed, making a break for another doorway. Spotting a pile of trash nearby, Mario had an idea.

Mario sat in a pile of trash, now having the appearance of a banana peel with Mario’s head atop it.

“I’m a banana!”

The Octoling ran past him, screaming in rage.

Now back to normal, Mario ran around a corner, only to be stopped by Dina. She quickly threw up a Splash Wall in the doorway. Mario stopped, gazing at the device letting out a fall of ink.

“Look, pal,” Dina said from the other side. “I don’t wanna hurt you, and neither does Desti.”

“What about that other one? With the big-ass gun?”

“Andrea? …Okay, she might be fine with it. But we just want your skills. Desti’s right – you’re extremely creative. You’re kinda stupid, sure–”

“Hey!”

“–but you can use that, something many others can’t. So, please, just wait he–”

Mario just walked through the Splash Wall. He was coated in purple ink, but was otherwise fine.

Dina blinked. “...Really?”

“THERE YOU ARE!”

Mario turned around to see Andrea running at him, a wide grin on her face. Mario jumped, quickly turning and running for it.

“Andrea!” Dina hissed. “We’re not trying to hurt him!”

Andrea stopped. “Oh. Right. Forgot about that.”

Dina sighed.

Mario jumped onto a staircase’s railway, attempting to slide down – only to lose his balance and fall off, landing on the stairway and tumbling down. As Mario recovered, he found himself at the feet of the final Octoling – Paz. Paz pulled out a Slosher, grinning. Mario looked at it for a moment… then smiled.

“Ooh, a washing machine!” He leapt up. “Mario needed to wash the paint off his clothes!”

Mario whipped his clothes off and tossed them in, starting up the Slosher. Paz just gaped in shock, looking between Mario and the Slosher. After a minute, the Slosher dinged.

“All done!” Mario said cheerfully, throwing his now-clean clothes back on. “Thank-a you!”

Mario rushed off, leaving Paz just staring at where he’d been for a few seconds. She then threw up.

Mario ran into another room, only to find no other exits. Footsteps warned him that he’d been trapped. The Italian turned to see that Desti had found him.”

“C’mon, Malleo,” she said calmly. “Just hear me out–”

“No!” Mario backed up. “Mario’s already on a team!”

Desti sighed. “Look, Mayo, when has that girl ever done anything skilled bef–”

The Octoling was cut off as a blast of orange ink hit her in the face, sending her flying into the wall. Mario looked over at the doorway to see none other than Meggy.

Meggy grinned. “You were saying?”

“OH, DAYUMN!” Mario said excitedly.

Meggy walked over to Mario. “You okay, Red?”

“M-hm!” The two shared a fistbump. “Any longer and Mario woulda really been Bob Ross. How’d you…?”

“Oh, I overheard Marina crying about some crazy red human who went into the subway.” Meggy shrugged. “Only one red idiot I know,” she added with a playful grin.

“Hey!” Even as he complained, Mario smiled.

“Ugh, are you two done yet?”

Mario and Meggy turned to see Desti rising.

“What do you even see in her, Maryo?” Desti asked. “She can’t win a fight for her life.”

Meggy’s eyes narrowed. “Wanna say that again?”

She stepped forward. “Mario’s staying on the Splat Squad!”

Desti smirked. “What’s wrong? Is someone a little jealous?~”

Meggy scowled. “You really don’t wanna mess with a Spletzer, Desti.”

Mario raised a finger. “C-Can Mario say something…?”

“NO!” the girls shouted in unison.

Mario’s hand fell.

Desti sighed, pulling out her Blaster. “Fine. Let’s settle this the traditional way.”

Meggy shifted her Splattershot a bit, sizing Desti up.

After a moment, Desti pulled the trigger, letting out a stream of purple ink. Meggy quickly dived out of the way, only for the ink to hit Mario.

“Sorry, Red!” Meggy called out as she ran, firing back. Desti, too, dived out of the way of the ink. She landed on her back and slid across the ground, firing off three shots.

Meggy moved to one side, then the other, dodging the first two shots. She leaned back to dodge the third, but it managed to brush her cheek. The Inkling wiped her hand on her cheek, looking at the purple ink on her fingers. She growled, gazing at Desti. She quickly converted to squid form and began making her way towards Desti.

Desti, knowing Meggy was coming, spotted Mario out of the corner of her eye. She pulled out a grappling hook and fired it, using it to drag Mario over to her. She then picked Mario up with one arm, holding him in front of her.

Meggy leapt out of the ink, Splattershot ready, only for her to see that Mario was in Desti’s grasp. Meggy landed on the ground without firing, sizing Desti up, looking for an opening.

Desti, however, didn’t hesitate, and with one well-placed shot, knocked Meggy’s Splattershot out of her hand.

Desti grinned. “Game over, Meggy.”

Meggy put her hands up, backing away. Then, she got an idea.

“Hey, Red!” she called out, grinning. “Desti’s gonna make you exerciiise…”

Mario’s eyes widened. “NooOOOO!”

Mario began thrashing wildly, managing to make Desti fall over and free himself from her grip. Meggy took her opportunity to dive for her Splattershot as Desti rose. The two aimed their weapons at each other – a stalemate, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

After a minute of silence and stillness, Desti blinked, looking around. “...Wait,” she muttered. “Where’s Mayo?”

Meggy turned to see Mario heading towards the exit.

“Red! Wait!” she cried, running after Mario.

“HEY!” Desti shouted. “GET BACK HERE, SPLETZER! WE’RE NOT DONE HERE!”

“So, Red...” Meggy said upon reaching her friend. “Whose team are you gonna be on?”

“...Imma be on Team Mario!”

After a moment, Meggy chuckled. “You’re such an idiot, y’know that?”

“Thank you!”

Meggy put her Splattershot away. “You know what, Red? This whole thing is kinda stupid. You wanna go get lunch?”

Mario grinned. “Oh, yeah!”

The two walked off, talking.

“What do you wanna get?”

“Uh… I can only afford instant noodles.” Meggy chuckled awkwardly.

“Hey, that’s-a fine!”

Desti watched the two walk off as Dina, Paz, and Andrea arrived.

“Want us to stop ’em, Desti?” Andrea asked.

Desti took a deep breath, calming herself down. She turned towards her team. “Nah. I… shouldn’t have done that. I’m not gonna win Mayo over to our side. He’s too close to Meggy.”

She looked back at the two as they went above ground. “But if Spletzer thinks that this is over?” Desti grinned. “She’s got another thing coming.”

After a good meal with Meggy, Mario waved goodbye as he approached the (now Salmonid-clear) Warp Pipe. Meggy waved back.

Mario turned around and hopped into the Warp Pipe, leaving Inkopolis behind.

Mario emerged in the basement of the castle, chuckling.

“Well, that was sure fun.”

Toadsworth then burst in, knocking Mario to the ground.

“GODDAMMIT, YOU GOT PAINT IN THE GODDAMN CASTLE!”

Chapter Text

“Ugh…” Chris groaned as he trudged through the labyrinth-like hallways of Fresh Tubby Spaghetti’s factory. “Why did I have to be called up to authorities? I haven’t done anything wrong, aside from the bomb incident a few weeks ago!”

He opened up the door to Mark’s office and stepped in. “Yes, sir?”

Chris froze at the sight before him.

“Took ya long enough,” Mark muttered as he was held at gunpoint by… Butt Ninja?

“You…” Chris muttered.

“Excellent work, Jeremy,” another voice said. A man dressed in green walked in. Jeremy sighed unhappily. 

“Welcome… Christopher, yes?” the man continued. “We’ve been expecting you.”

Chris’ eye narrowed. “What do you want from me?”

“All in good time,” the man replied, pulling out a shotgun as Jeremy took the guard’s weapons away. “Jeremy, if you will, go locate our package.”

Jeremy huffed, walking out of the room. After a moment, the man turned on Mark’s TV.

“...While I’m waiting, why not watch something?”

Chris sighed as he sat next to Mark. “God… what are we supposed to do…?”

“We just leave while he’s watching TV.” Mark stood up… only for the man’s head to rotate 180 degrees to face him. He raised his shotgun, giving him the evil eye.

“...Yeah, nevermind.”

“...What is this bullshit?!” Swag exclaimed, standing before a vending machine. “This drink machine doesn’t have beer! Where’s the good stuff?! What are these weird drinks…?”

He knelt down, reading off the names. “Cok… Diet Cok… Cok Zero… Sprit… Solo…”

He sighed. “I didn’t know our economy was this low!” After a moment, he sighed. “Screw it. Cok Zero sounds like something I can get high on…”

He put in some coins and clicked the button for a Coke Zero. A thump rang out of the machine as it began to deploy the drink… only for it to get stuck.

Swag just stared in silence.

“THAT’S IT I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!”

He fired a rocket launcher at the drink machine, destroying it. The Coke Zero landed on the ground next to him. He looked down and grinned.

“Aw hell yeah. Time to get high.”

“I heard a ruckus over here,” Greg said, entering the room. “Is everything–”

“Shut up Greg.” Swag twisted Greg’s nipples. “NIPPLE TWIST.”

Greg cried out in pain as he fell to the ground. Then, the intercom went off.

“Hello? Can you all hear me?”

“That doesn’t sound like Mark…” Swag muttered. He shrugged. “Eh who cares?”

“This facility is now under lockdown,” the man said over the intercom. “Everything is normal, it’s just a drill, so remain at your stations.”

As Chris sat beside Mark, an idea came to him. He jumped up and tackled the man out of the way.

“Actually the truth is we're having a swag party up here, and none of you are invited because you’re not swag enough!”

The man punched Chris in the face. “Never interrupt Drayden Lockhart!” he growled, turning off the intercom. "What even was that supposed to do?”

Swag stood completely still at the sound of Chris’ announcement. His drink fell out of his hand.

“...THEY’RE HAVING A SWAG PARTY AND CHRIS WAS INVITED BUT NOT ME?!” He sank to his knees. “Wh… What has the world come to…?”

“That was very rude of them not to invite us,” Greg muttered as he rose. “Maybe if we ask nicely they’ll let us in.”

After a moment, Swag frowned. “...Screw it. Greg, let’s go blow our way in!”

“No need to be so violent–”

“Shut up before I twist your nipples again.”

“Such a shame that Octoposse team lost,” Drayden muttered as he watched the TV. “They seemed like a good upcoming team...”

“Yep…” Chris muttered, not really paying attention.

Suddenly, the My Little Pony theme song started playing from somewhere. Everyone looked around for a bit before Drayden sighed.

“Oh, for God’s sake…” He pulled out his phone and answered. “Hello? I’m a bit busy at the moment…”

“Yes hello,” a high-pitched voice responded. “I am Lady McFag. I’m sort of lost and am wanting to go to your swag party.”

Drayden sighed. “Look, ma’am, there is no swag party. Now why don’t you go home and take your medicine.”

“U FKN WOT M8?! How dare you insult your God damn elders! I’ll take my granny ass and slap you across the face with it! Granny ain’t making any more cookies for you, Chubby Chins!”

“Look, Miss McFag, I don’t even–”

“Dafaq did you just call me?! I AM GONNA COME OVER AND SHICE TWO CHOPSTICKS UP THAT ASS AND–”

Drayden hung up. “Well… that was something.”

Swag blinked, staring at the phone he had swiped off one of Drayden’s guards.

“Oh hell no. Nobody hangs up on Lady McFag.”

“Come now Swag,” Greg said, placing a hand on Swag’s shoulder. “There was no need to lie–”

“Shut up Greg ur a twink.”

“Well, might as well contact Jeremy, see how the search is going.” He pulled out his phone and called up the ninja. He soon answered.

“Yo, Butt Ninja. How’s it going?”

The ninja blinked, unamused, as gunshots rang off in the background.

“Right. You don’t like talking.” Drayden sighed. “Well, I’ll just call someone else, then. Our other men are crawling all over this – wait. Do I hear gunshots?”

The ninja nodded.

“Dammit. Who could be…?” Drayden moved over to the security monitors, spotting Swag running around and screaming “PEWPEWPEW” over and over as he shot down anyone who pointed a gun in his direction. Greg followed close behind, muttering “Sorry” to anyone who Swag had shot.

“...Who the Kentucky Fried FUCK is that?”

“Your worst nightmare,” Chris replied. “And mine, on occasion.”

Drayden sighed. “Butt Ninja, deal with him. Can’t risk our important hostages.”

The ninja nodded and hung up.

“Hey, I know I’m important, but what about that meathead over there?” Mark gestured to Chris.

Drayden chuckled. “Why, aside from Tubby Wonka, he’s the only one who knows the secret recipe used to make this factory’s spaghetti!”

“...That’s what you're after?” Chris asked.

“Trust me, I’m getting paid well for this.”

“Also, what? I don’t know the recipe.”

“Oh yeah. I accidentally sent it to you.” Mark chuckled. “Silly me.”

“...Dammit, Mark… but I never saw that…”

“Really?” Mark looked to Chris questioningly. “The guy said he left it at your station last week.”

“Last week…?” Chris thought back…

Last week

“I’m gonna use the restroom. Swag don’t blow anything up.”

“Alright, fine… killjoy.”

Once Chris was gone, Swag turned to see a letter lying by his post. After a moment, he grinned.

“It’s Chris’ porn stash!” He picked it up. “I’m gonna enjoy the hell outta this.”

Now

Chris groaned. “I don’t have the recipe. The other guy does.”

“Other guy?” Drayden turned around. “What other guy?”

“Uh… nobody. Nobody at all!”

“You mean your partner Swag, right?”

Chris sighed. “God dammit, Mark.”

“Lolololol get rekt scrubs.”

“Sorry.”

“Greg stop being nice they’re trying to gatekeep us.”

“Sorry, Swag.”

Swag sighed. “Dammit…”

As Swag rounded the corner, he froze. There, standing just before the doorway, was the Butt Ninja.

“So… Butt Ninja. We meet again.”

The ninja blinked, unamused at how Swag’s nickname for him had caught on.

“Prepare your anus Butt Ninja, for this time I will stop your ass-grabbing madness.” Swag reached for his holstered pistol. “It’s high noon bitch.”

The ninja sighed, pulling out an AK-47.

“...Shit.”

As the ninja began to fire, Swag ducked behind a corner, where Greg was waiting.

“I told you not to shoot at everything. It’s very rude.”

“Shut up Greg.”

As the ninja slowly approached the corner, his phone rang. With a sigh, he picked up.

“Yo, that Swag guy you’re fighting? I need him brought here alive. He has the recipe.”

“...”

“That’s my man. Over and out.”

The Butt Ninja sighed before looking over at Swag and Greg.

“So my plan is to use a motherfucking rocket launcher and shoot it at him…”

The Butt Ninja sighed. Deciding that the idiot he was working with wasn't worth possible death, he just walked away, giving Swag a clear shot to Mark’s office.

“Hasta la vista bitch!” Swag shouted, popping around the corner and firing… only for the rocket to hit Raisin Lady and send her flying out of the factory.

“Swag, you hit a poor old lady!” Greg said. “You should go apolo–”

“Oh hell yeah!” Swag cheered. “Bonus points!”

Swag charged ahead, Greg close behind.

As Drayden stood up, the door burst open. Swag and Greg ran in, only to see Drayden with a gun in his hand.

“...Where is the swag party?”

“There is no swag party!” Drayden growled. With a quickly shot of his rifle, he knocked the rocket launcher out of Swag’s hand before holding the man at gunpoint. “Spaghetti recipe. NOW!”

“But I forgot what it was!”

“Don’t give me that bullshit!”

“Don’t do it!” Chris yelled.

“You’re being very rude!” Greg added.

“Don’t shoot!” Mark yelled. “He can strip for ya!”

“Tell me or say goodbye to your friends!” Drayden aimed the gun at Mark.

“NO DON’T DO IT!” the yellow-clad man shouted. “Swag help a buddy out!”

“Lol bye sergeant faggot,” Swag replied. “You were a good friend and that shit.”

“OH YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

Drayden fired, hitting Mark in the shoulder and knocking him to the floor.

“Let me try someone else…” Drayden aimed the rifle at Chris’ head.

“Crap!”

“Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.”

“No, don’t!” Swag cried. “He’s my best friend. You can’t take away someone so close to me…”

Chris blinked. “Swag…”

“Lol jokes! That was homo. No homo. But still… PREPARE YOUR BUTTHOLE.”

“What?”

“MEGA SWAGALICIOUS PINGAS ACTIVAAAATE.”

A fist suddenly emerged from Swag’s crotch area and hit Drayden right between the legs.

“...Swag what the fuck.”

“No time Chris.” Swag picked up his rocket launcher and aimed it at Drayden.

Drayden looked up, seeing the rocket launcher, and booked it out of the room.

“No… I can’t lose…” He dialed Jeremy. “Jeremy where the hell are you?!”

Jeremy shrugged before hanging up.

“...DAMMIT!”

As he neared a corner, Chris suddenly popped from around it.

“Surprise mofo.”

“Aw shit.”

Chris grinned. “You wanna know how I got this scar?”

Drayden screamed and ran for his life. He eventually hid inside the storage room, huffing.

“Hello? Are you okay over there?”

Drayden paused at the familiar voice. “Lady McFag? Is that you?”

“Yes it is. And I’m gonna…”

Swag suddenly emerged from behind a crate.

“SUFFOCATE YOU WITH MY OLD LADY SKIN!”

“Oh God!” Drayden stumbled back into the wall. “Please don’t hurt me. I didn’t mean no harm!”

Swag blinked, looking at Chris as he walked in.

Swag then fired his rocket launcher, vaporizing Drayden where he stood. He turned to Chris.

“...Wanna go have a Swag party?”

Chris shrugged. “Sure, why not.”

Swag turned around, only to see the Butt Ninja standing there.

“OH GOD!” He jumped about three feet into the air.

“Um… hi, Butt Ninja… you wanna join our swag party too?”

“Can I join?”

“No Greg shut up.”

“Aww…”

After a moment, the Butt Ninja shrugged and followed Swag and Chris out, leaving Greg alone.

“...Say, I wonder where Mark is?”

“Shit that hurt…” Mark groaned, sitting up. “Dammit. Now I won’t be able to read my Playboy magazine today…”

Chapter Text

Six hours ago…

SMG3 hummed as he walked through his house, a towel in hand.

“Dum da dum, gonna take my shower,” he sang. “Do-do doo.”

“SMG3?”

SMG3 yelped, whipping around. Standing behind him was… well, a person. He couldn’t tell who it was, as they had a cloak obscuring them. A mask covered the lower half of their face, a hood covering the upper half in shadow. All he could see of the eyes was a glint of red.

“MY WALLET IS IN MY DESK! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!”

“Oh, relax.” Under the hood, the person rolled their eyes. “I need your help.”

SMG3’s eyes narrowed. “With what?”

“Revenge. On SMG4.”

SMG3 thought for a moment.

“...Sure! When do we start?”

Under the mask, SMG3’s new partner smiled.

Now

“So, uh… what are we doing again?”

“Are you kidding me?” SLG4 sighed, looking at Mario. “X just explained it. SMG4 just hit 1 million subs! We’re holding a surprise party to celebrate!”

“When was this planned?”

“Last Thursday. Why?”

“Oooo. Mario was playing Splatoon in real life until Friday.”

“...Uh, sure.”

“No, no, he’s telling the truth,” FM noted. “I saw him on TV.”

“Wait, seriously?!”

“Okay, serious question,” X muttered. “Have any of you seen SMG4 lately?”

“Er… I saw him yesterday,” MCG noted. “But not today…”

“Huh.” SLG4 pulled out his phone. “Might as well call him.”

SMG4 blinked as he awoke. He sat up, only to find himself in a world of complete darkness.

“Where… where am I?” he wondered aloud. “M-Mario? Is this a prank? We JUST did WotFI…”

Suddenly, he heard giggling behind him. His eyes widened in fear.

“No… no, no, no, no !” He began to shake. “I… I know that sound…”

He turned around to see the Teletubbies – Dipsy, Tinky Winky, Laa-Laa, and Po – standing there, waving.

“Teletubbies!” an announcer from somewhere unknown said cheerfully.

SMG4 screamed in pure, unadulterated terror.

“Wow,” SMG3 muttered, looking at SMG4 as he lay on the table, a VR headset on his head. “This is… kinda harsh.”

“It’s more of a distraction,” the cloaked figure explained. “I have a more pressing objective here, with SMG4. As he experiences this, I’m having the headset scan his mind.”

“...Why?”

“I have my reasons.”

“...So, you gonna expose his search history or something?”

The cloaked figure sighed. “You’re an idiot.”

It was then that SMG4’s phone began ringing.

SMG3 blinked. “Uh… what do we…?”

The cloaked person sighed. “Just… leave it be.”

“...He’s not picking up.”

“Guys, I checked his Twitter,” FM said. “He didn’t post his daily meme! He’s gotta be in trouble!”

“What do we do?!” Onyxking asked, popping out from the door on the right of the staircase.

Everyone turned to face him. Onyxking looked around awkwardly. 

“I’ll just… go back to the basement… hehe…”

He disappeared back through the door.

“...Anyways.” SLG4 turned back around. “I have a plan… and no, Mario, it’s not eating spaghetti.”

“DAMMIT!”

“Okay, but seriously, dude.” SMG3 looked up at the hooded figure. “What’s your beef with SMG4? Like, I have my whole tragic backstory and everything, but… you are being all vague about it. It’s bothering me.”

“Let’s just say he… interfered with my plans a couple of times,” the figure stated. “After our last encounter, I found there may be something… more to him than meets the eye.”

“...Okay, but who are you? Like, if anyone here had met you before, they’d know by now. Just tell me!”

“...Fine.” They began to remove their hood. “You may call me–”

“–so where the hell is he?!” FM shouted. Cube, sitting atop his hat, just honked. “We have looked everywhere!”

“Well, I asked Mario to put up some missing posters–” SLG4 began.

“GET OVER HERE, YOU FILTHY CRIMINAL!”

“...but he put up Wanted posters instead.”

Nearby, Hal Monitor, in the form of a police car with his monitor on the hood, chased down a blue-skinned man dressed like SMG4, followed by a number of RMKP officers. “YOU CANNOT EVADE THE LAW.”

“...Anyways.” Mario turned from the group, looking around. “How are we gonna find – OH MY GAWD IT’S KAI!”

The others looked over to see Kaijak walking along the sidewalk, looking dejected.

“...I’m gonna ask him,” MCG said. “Mario, just stay back, okay?”

Mario huffed. “Fine…”

MCG walked over. “Hey, Kai.”

Kaijak looked up. “Oh. MCG. How’re you?”

“Could be better. Have you seen SMG4?”

Kaijak scowled. “Why don’t you ask Mario? Or is he busy ruining someone else’s life?”

MCG put his hands up. “Jeez, man, okay. Just… looking for him.”

He turned and began walking away.

“Yeah, I saw him.”

MCG turned around. “You did?”

“From the window of Enzo’s room,” Kaijak muttered. “Some guy in a cloak had him. Headed that way.”

He pointed off to the right.

“...Thanks.”

MCG walked off, rejoining the others. Kaijak’s gaze followed him, eventually landing on Mario. His eyes narrowed in contempt.

“...Alright, it’s getting kinda stale in here.” SMG3 stood up and stretched. “You almost done with... whatever it is you’re doing?”

“Working on it.”

The doppelgänger sighed. “Well, I’m going for a walk. Be right back.”

SMG3 left the room, leaving the figure alone.

“SMG4… SMG3…” they muttered. “Could there be a connection…?”

“Ugh, that one gives me the creeps,” SMG3 muttered with a shudder as he walked down the street.

“HEY SMG3! How ya been?” a familiar Italian voice called out.

SMG3 paused, looking around. He quickly spotted Mario, FM, X, SLG4 and MCG nearby.

“Uh… hi?”

SLG4 quickly tackled SMG3 to the ground. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO SMG4?!”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Suuure.” SLG4’s eyes narrowed. “I bet FM can use that taser to get you to talk…”

FM’s eyes lit up as he pulled out his taser. “YES! CHAOTIC GOOD UNLEASHED !”

“Fine! I know where he is!” SMG3 admitted. “But if you think I’m gonna tell you–”

“Wait, you left him unguarded?”

“What? No. My partner is there waiting.”

“Oooh, SMG3’s got a partner~”

“Business partner, Mario!” He looked at X. “Is he always like this?”

X sighed. “Unfortunately.”

“So… you left someone else with SMG4 alone?” SLG4 asked. “Couldn’t they just take all the credit for taking him down? Which, y’know, is your thing?”

SMG3 went silent for a few seconds.

“Well, they have been awfully cryptic… and I’m the one who’s gonna expose SMG4…”

After a moment, SMG3 sighed. “Alright, I see what you’re doing… and it is working. Let’s go save my annoying rival!”

Everyone cheered.

“And then I can doxx him later!”

SMG3 and Mario were the only ones cheering. FM sighed and put his taser away.

“What… is this…?” the cloaked person muttered, looking at the computer screen sorting out the information it was finding from SMG4’s head. “It almost looks like… code ?”

They cast a look at the still-trapped SMG4. “What… are you?”

“Alright, they’re in there,” SMG3 said, pointing to a building before the group. “Now, listen. This guy is strong, and hates you guys. So–”

“Wait, we know this guy?” X asked.

SMG3 shrugged. “Apparently. They’re the cryptic type. Said their name is something like Vee. Or was it–”

“Ahem.”

SMG3 froze, turning towards the doorway to see the cloaked figure standing there. Their eyes were exposed in the sunlight – one brown, one red with a white pupil.

Mario caught sight of them. “Waiiit a minute…”

“Really, SMG3?” the cloaked person muttered. “You’re helping him?!”

“Hey, if anyone’s gonna take that jerkwad down, it’s gonna be me!” SMG3 growled, jumping the figure. “Go save SMG4! I’ll hold him off!”

As the others rushed past, SMG3 wrestled with the figure… only to come to a stop when he found himself pinned down.

“Now, let’s test a theory of mine, shall we?”

The person’s hands glowed, and SMG3 felt a pain in his head. Splitting, agonizing, and one felt equally by his former partner…

Inside the room, FM tore the headset off of SMG4’s head. SMG4 shot up, breathing heavily. “NO DON’T TOUCH ME DIPSY!”

“...Wat.”

“Wh-Where am I?” he asked. “Are… Are they gone?”

“Erm… yeah, they’re gone,” X replied. “We’re in some old warehouse turned science lab by some creep.”

Dark chuckling was heard behind them. They turned around to see the cloaked figure standing there, their multicolored eyes glinting.

“I know that look…” Mario muttered, his eyes narrowing in concentration.

“Turns out, I was right. You two are connected,” the figure said.

Mario’s eyes widened. “I know that voice!”

The still-disoriented SMG4 looked up at Mario as SLG4 helped him to his feet. “Wh-What do you mean?”

“GOTCHA!”

SMG3 rushed up behind the figure and ripped the cloak off, revealing a very familiar Mario recolor dressed entirely in black. “NO MORE HIDING, V!”

“Z!” the bodysnatcher corrected. “MY NAME IS Z!”

Everyone’s jaw dropped – except for Mario’s.

“I KNEW IT!” Mario shouted. “They’ve come back for revenge!”

“YES, IT’S ME, WE’VE ESTABLISHED THAT!!” Z scowled at the group. “But no, this isn’t about revenge. Not anymore. This is about something far bigger than even I understand. Something to do with–”

SMG3 decked them in the face. “Oh, shut up.”

On the ground, Z chuckled.

“Oh, I’ve won already. My research is saved on my private server,” they muttered, rising. “And I have my own failsafe.”

They pressed a button on their wristwatch – yes, they’ve had a wristwatch this whole chapter. “In thirty seconds, this whole building will explode and take you all with it. You can get out, of course – but you must let me go so that you can–”

“I SAID SHUT UP!”

SMG3 tackled Z to the ground before looking back to the others. “GET OUT OF HERE!”

SMG4 reached forward. “But–”

“Oh, don’t give me your whole spiel.” SMG3 waved him off. “I survived the Nightmare Stone, EM64, and… well, other things. This is nothing. This is more about making sure this guy isn’t a threat to me taking you down.”

“Why are you gae?”

“SHUT UP, MARIO!”

“Wait, can someone explain when the hell you guys met Z?” SLG4 muttered.

“No time! C’mon, guys, let’s get out of here!” SMG4 shouted. The five ran out, leaving SMG3 alone with Z.

“Get off me, you idiot!” Z exclaimed. “You’ll die, too!”

SMG3 rolled his eyes. “Please. I won’t die as long as SMG4’s alive. If Darth Maul could survive getting cut in half thanks to pure hatred, I can survive a simple explosion with the same stuff.”

“No! Let me go! NO! NOOOO–”

Z was cut off as the bomb went off.

They waited outside the ruins for two minutes. SMG3 never emerged.

“I’ll… I’ll never forget this, Three,” SMG4 muttered. “You were an asshole, and a copycat, but you had some good in you after all…”

“Say, Luke,” SLG4 muttered. “Wanna… go hang at the castle for a bit?”

SMG4 smiled. “Yeah, I’d… I’d like that.”

“Say, has anyone seen Luigi?” Mario asked. “He wasn’t home today, and Mario wants his spaghetti!”

MCG rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry, there’s bound to be some at the castle. Though SLG4 did invite Luigi to the party…”

“WOOHOO! SPAGHETTI!”

“So... how'd you guys meet Z again?” SLG4 looks at SMG4. The YouTuber catches something in SLG4’s eyes. Something... odd.

“Mario can answer that!” the Italian shouted, interrupting SMG4’s thought process. “They took over Mario’s mind once...”

The gang walked away. However, had they stuck around for just another minute, they would have seen SMG3 finally emerge from the rubble.

“Ugh,” he muttered. “That sucked.”

He picked up a singed object off the ground. It was the front of his hat, the “3” label partially burned off.

“Welp.” SMG3 tossed the scrap to the wind. “Gonna need a new hat now. Thanks, Z.”

SMG3 then walked off. Not even a minute after he was gone, a shadow fell upon the remains. A bit of digging revealed the injured and unconscious – but still alive – Z.

EM64 smiled, pulling out his phone. “Hey, Bowser. Send Kamek over here. I’ve found the final piece. And make sure the distraction is ready…”

A yellow Mario recolor awoke in a white void.

“Wh-Where am I?” he asked. “I… I was in prison, and then–”

⎎⍑⍲☈⍓⍲☊𝟛.

He gulped. “Who… Who’s there? H-How do you know my name?”

⏙ℇ  ⍲☈ℇ  ⍲⎾⎾.  ⏙ℇ  ⍲☈ℇ  ☊⌾⍑ℍ⟟☊⅁.  ⏙ℇ  ⍲☈ℇ  ⅁⌾⟄.  ⏙ℇ  ⍲☈ℇ  ⟄ℇ⍻⟟⎾.  ⏙ℇ  ⍲☈ℇ  ☈ℇ⍓ℇ⍓⌦ℇ☈ℇ⟄.  ⏙ℇ  ⍲☈ℇ  🜅⌾☈⅁⌾⍑⍑ℇ☊.  ☊⌾⍑ℍ⟟☊⅁  ⟟☊  ⍑ℍ⟟⎎  ⍓⌰⎾⍑⟟⍻ℇ☈⎎ℇ  ℇ⎎⍧⍲⍴ℇ⎎  ⌾⌰☈  ☊⌾⍑⟟⍧ℇ .

“...Helpful. Can you tell me where I am?”

⍦⌾⌰  ⏙ℇ☈ℇ  🜅⌾☈⅁⌾⍑⍑ℇ☊.  ⟄⟟⎎⍧⍲☈⟄ℇ⟄.  ⍦⌾⌰☈ ☈⌾⎾ℇ  ℍ⍲⎎  ⌦ℇℇ☊  ⎎⍑☈⟟⍴⍴ℇ⟄  🜅☈⌾⍓  ⍦⌾⌰  🜅⌾☈  ⍦⌾⌰☈  ⍧☈⟟⍓ℇ⎎.  ⍲☊⟄  ⎎⌾,  ⍦⌾⌰  ⍲☈ℇ  ⌾🜅 ⌰⎎.

“I… I don’t understand.”

☊⌾.  ⌦⌰⍑  ⍦⌾⌰  ⏙⟟⎾⎾.

A red light filled the area as an unfamiliar symbol of the same color appeared – an oval, encased in a box, surrounded by four arrows, which pointed up, down, left, and right. Starman3 screamed, but no sound came out of his mouth as the red light consumed him.

Chapter Text

It was once again a quiet day at the Mushroom Castle. Toad was in his corner, listening to music on his iPod. SMG4, Onyxking, MCG, and Pink played Teletubbies: Battlegrounds. FM paced.

“Relax, FM,” Pink said from her spot. “What’s got you so riled up?”

“It’s a peaceful day!” FM shouted. “Every time this happens, something goes wrong. HAL, Swipe, the Nightmare Stone, Z, Bowser, the zombies, SMG4 getting kidnapped yesterday… not to mention the fact that MARIO’S MISSING!”

“I thought he was in the kitchen,” SMG4 said.

“Nope,” X called out, leaning out of the kitchen. He winced. “My powers are giving me weird vibes. Something’s up…”

“ See ?”

“...Well, I guess we gotta find Mario – AW, COME ON!”

SMG4’s character died, giving Pink the win.

“SWEET!” she shouted cheerfully. Then, she turned around. “So, uh, X. Powers?”

“Yeah.” Onyxking turned around in his chair. “What’s that about?”

“Oh, yeah. Look, this is gonna be a lot…”

Then, the doorway on the right side of the staircase (from the castle entrance) burst open, and there stood Mario.

“WASSUP, BITCHES?!”

“...There’s Mario.”

SMG4 sighed. “Did you break something again, Mario?”

Mario blinked. “What? No! Mario just brought a friend over!”

Onyxking blinked. “A friend?”

Mario smiled. “M-hm!”

“Jeez, Red, how big is this place?”

Mario entered the castle, with Meggy close behind. Upon entering the foyer, she gawked at the sight.

“Woah…” She looked to her slightly taller friend. “Do… do you live in a castle?!”

“Er… no.” Mario chuckled. “Mario just hangs out here with his friends.”

“Hey, you’re the Inkling that was leading Mario’s team in Splatfest!” Onyxking noted.

“Yep!” Meggy shot up a “peace” sign. “Name’s Meggy Spletzer! And you’re all Mario’s friends, right?”

“Yep,” said almost everyone.

“Not in a million years,” said Toad.

“Say…” Mario muttered. “Where’s Luigi? Mario hasn’t seen him for a bit.”

“Luigi?” SMG4 thought back. “Now that you mention it, I haven’t seen him for a couple days…”

“I invited him to that 1 mil party yesterday,” SLG4 recalled. “He never showed. It’s not like him to just disappear without warning.”

“Luigi?” Meggy asked.

“Mario’s bro!” Mario answered.

It was then that the doors swung open. Fawn ran in, using her water to slam the doors behind her.

“Woah, Fawn.” Pink stood up. “What’s going on out there?”

Fawn huffed. “Luigi… dolls…”

Meggy blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

“They… they chased RM off… ADD and GD sent me to… get you guys…”

“Breathe, Fawn,” Pink said, placing a hand on her best friend’s shoulder.

“Yep. Those are some big-ass Luigi dolls,” FM muttered, looking out the window. The others followed suit, spying ADD and GD fighting an army of Luigi dolls outside.

“Hey, it’s ADD!” Mario shouted, pointing to him and GD. As they fought, a Weegee Doll jumped ADD from behind, giving him a hug. And then, it happened.

His overalls changed to blue. He fell back, his arms and legs forced forward. The green on his hat and shirt darkened. His gloves turned white. His face morphed into that of Luigi. Within seconds, ADD had become a Weegee Doll himself.

“Weegee!”

“ADD!” GD shouted. He did his best to fight off the Weegee Dolls, but the transformed ADD grabbed him and, after a few seconds, turned him as well.

“Dear God…” MCG muttered. “We’re… WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

“Hey!” FM smiled nervously. “M-Maybe we can get Bob to help us! He’s good with swords!”

Then, a Weegee Doll with sword hands slammed into the window.

“WeEgEe WeEgEe BiTcHeS.”

Everyone screamed, jumping back (Mario exploded into a coin as well).

“What do we do?!”

SMG4 sighed as Meggy kicked the coin, returning Mario to normal. “Alright. Mario and I will go look for the source of this whole thing.”

Meggy grinned, pulling out her Splattershot. “We’ll hold the castle. Don’t worry ‘bout us.”

FM pulled out a pistol. “KIDS GON’ DIE TONIGHT!”

Meggy looked over at FM and smirked. “I like this one.”

X sighed. “I’m not too old for this, but I feel like I’m too old for this.”

“We should get Captain Toad!” MCG said. “His team can help!”

“No dice,” FM muttered. “Peach sent them on some sorta special assignment.”

“Dammit…”

“Alright, let’s get to the roof!” Meggy shouted. After a moment, she looked to FM sheepishly. “Uh… can you lead the way?”

“Sure thing!” FM turned to Cube. “Get somewhere safe, Cube.”

Cube honked sadly.

“Just go, okay? Don’t want you getting hurt.”

Cube honked and sulked off.

Mario and SMG4, meanwhile, had already left. As they climbed into a nearby semi truck, Mario’s phone rang. He quickly answered.

“Mario, my boy? This is E. Gadd.”

“E. Gadd!” SMG4 exclaimed. “We have a problem!”

“I know. I just wanted to inform you that these Weegee Dolls seem to be originating from this area.”

A location appeared on the truck’s GPS.

“Find out what is causing this attack and stop it.”

“Yes, boss!”

“Wait…” SMG4 leaned towards the phone. “Why can’t you help?”

“Er… I’m, uh… in the middle of… a very important experiment! Yes. Gotta go now BYEEEEEEEE! ”

SMG4 stepped on the gas, and the car peeled out. Mario poked out the window.

“Don’t worry, guys! Mario will stop-a this!”

“And we’ll make sure there’s a castle to come back to!” Meggy called back, blasting a Weegee Doll off of the roof as the car drove over the hill and out of sight.

At the lab, the semi truck plowed through a horde of Weegee Dolls, coming to a stop with its rear end in the air at a 60-degree angle.

“Don’t forget where we parked!” Mario said cheerfully.

The two made their way through the Weegee Dolls carefully. Before long, they spotted a Mario recolor ahead, with no hat and dressed entirely in white. In turn, he spotted them and ran over.

“OH, THANK GOD!” he said with relief. “Survivors!”

“How can we help?” SMG4 asked.

“There.” The doctor pointed to a door. “The main lab is through there. There’s a Weegee Doll blocking the door on the other side, though–”

SMG4 cracked his knuckles. “Time to take a page out of MCG’s book, then…”

He pulled out a lit bomb and threw it at the door, blowing a hole in the wall where it used to be and sending the sleeping Weegee Doll on the other side flying. It slammed into the doctor, taking him with it.

The next room was filled with Weegee Dolls… and Old Man Hobo.

“Welcooome to the sun-drenched tropical paradise of Isl–”

Mario kicked Old Man Hobo away. “Let’s-a go!”

SMG4 walked up to the receptionist Weegee at the center of the room. “Hey, uhh… is there, like, a boss or someone we can talk to?”

“Weegee!”

The Weegee Doll pressed a button, and a screen above him turned on. A figure with the shape of Luigi appeared, but he was notably different – he was dressed in a black suit, with a belt around his waist. He wore a green bandana around his neck, and a black mask obscured the top half of his face, his eyes appearing stark white. His hat was like Luigi’s, but had a black circle with a backwards green L.

“Hello,” he said sinisterly. “Welcome to my-a lair, Mario.”

“Hm?” Mario looked up at the screen.

“Now, you might be surprised as to why I know your name. But I assure you, all will be–”

“GOD DAMMIT, Luigi! You’re being a total mamafucker right now!” Mario shouted.

Luigi blinked. “Oh. You… already figured it out.”

“Get down here RIGHT NOW!” Mario growled. “Or imma go spaghetti mode on you!”

“No.”

“EXCUSE ME?!”

“I won’t be taking you bullshit any more. Luigi is gone – now, I am Mr. L! And you – you can go to hell, Mario! WEEGEE DOLLS, IT’S HUGGING TIME!”

All the Weegee Dolls stopped their activities and sat up, their attention piqued. They began closing in on Mario and SMG4.

“Oh, God!” Mario screamed, backing up. “What do we do?!”

“Uh… use your head!”

“What?!”

SMG4 grabbed Mario and charged, using the Italian as a battering ram to charge through the Weegee Dolls. They soon reached the men’s bathroom and leapt in, barricading the door behind them.

“Alright!” SMG4 turned to Mario. “So, what’s the plan?”

“Uhh…” Mario fell onto the ground. “Lying down and crying on the floor until sweet death takes us!”

SMG4 gave Mario a concerned look.

“Oh thank God! There’re still some survivors!”

Mario and SMG4 looked up to see a Koopa Troopa with glasses and a lab coat peeking out of a stall.

“AH!” Mario screamed, jumping up and assuming a defensive postition. “BOWSER’S HERE TOO?!?!”

The Koopa sighed. “No, no. I defected from the Koopa army. My name is Dr. Koops!”

“...Can I still stomp you?”

SMG4 punched Mario in the face. “NO!” He then turned to face Koops. “I’m so sorry about him. Can you tell us what’s happening?”

“Well…” Koops thought back. “Some of us were working on a cloning machine. I don’t know exactly what happened, as I was grabbing some coffee, but that Mr. L guy and these Weegee Dolls showed up. If those on duty hadn’t already been turned, I’d ask them, but…”

“NERRRD!”

SMG4 kicked Mario, then turned back to Dr. Koops. “Is there any way to fix this?”

“Well, to stop the Weegee Dolls from spreading, blow up the power core. But to save those turned… you need the antidote. I developed it, analyzing these creatures across the past two days they’ve been around, and stored it away in secret. Mr. L has eyes everywhere, so we need to be careful in recovering it.”

“Easy as pizza pie!” Mario said cheerfully. “Let’s-a stop my idiot brother!”

“Wait, Mr. L is your–”

The door then flew off of its hinges, slamming into Dr. Koops. Weegee Dolls began pouring in.

“Quick!” Koops shouted, pushing the door off of himself. “TO THE SEWERS!”

The trio quickly leapt down a toilet pipe, landing in the sewers.

“This way!” Koops shouted, leading Mario and SMG4 down a pipe. Eventually, they found a ladder up to the surface.

The trio emerged from the pipe. SMG4 quickly noticed that Old Man Hobo was holding on and began screaming.

“We’re close to the antidote…” Koops muttered as SMG4 screamed.

After separating Old Man Hobo from SMG4, the three entered the next room, where a machine labeled “cloning machine prototype” sat. A Weegee Doll sat nearby.

Koops snuck over to the desk and began digging around, while SMG4 looked around. Hearing a noise, he turned to see Mario on his way to the cloning machine with spaghetti in hand. He quickly threw it in, grinning.

“No!” SMG4 hissed, leaping in the way. “Stop it! We don’t have time!”

Mario growled and punched SMG4, sending him flying into the machine and crashing against the back wall. The impact activated the machine, and the door slid closed, trapping SMG4 and the spaghetti inside.

“WAIT! NO! WHAT’S HAPPENING?!”

“You’ve started up the machine!” Koops hissed. “There’s no undoing it now!”

With a flash of light, it was over. The door opened, and SMG4 stumbled into a cloud of smoke.

“What… just happened?”

Then, they saw something. A silhouette emerged from the other pod. SMG4 and Mario stepped back.

The smoke cleared, revealing a Mario recolor wearing a white shirt, pink overalls, and no hat. The hair was blue, unlike SMG4’s.

“Hi, everybody!” he said.

“What… what are you!”

“I’m… uh… I don’t know?” the clone shrugged.

Mario grinned. “Imma call you Minion!”

“Minion” blinked. “Sure, I guess that works for now.”

“You’re… a clone of me?” SMG4 looked him over. “You just… don’t look like me. You look like a regular guy.”

“ILLUMINATI!” Minion screamed.

“Hey!” Mario stormed up to Minion. “I’m supposed to be the stupid one!”

“No! I’m gonna be making pingas jokes!”

Minion then started shouting “Pingas” over and over. Mario angrily joined in.

“WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP?!” SMG4 shouted.

“Found it!” Koops held up a large container of liquid.

“Wee… gee…”

Everyone froze. They slowly turned to see that the Weegee Doll had woken up. It quickly took note of the four.

“Weegee!”

“Mamafucker!”

Weegee pressed a button, activating the alarm. Weegee Dolls quickly reached the room. SMG4, Mario, and Koops ran, but Minion’s eyes lit up.

“Ooh! I wanna hug the dolls!”

Mario grabbed Minion and dragged him away. “Hurry up already!”

They saw an elevator ahead, making a mad dash. They dove in, and SMG4 began pressing the button frantically as the Weegee Dolls closed in.

“C’mon, c’mon, c’mon. C’MON–”

The door closed… after a single Weegee Doll got in. The elevator began going up, and music started to play. Everyone stood awkwardly.

“...girl.”

SMG4 blinked, then looked to Minion. “What?”

“You said I seemed like a regular guy before.” Minion cast a glance to SMG4. “But… “he” doesn’t feel like me, y’know? I feel like… like a “she”. I don’t know how, given I’m not even five minutes old, but I just… know.”

SMG4 smiled. “Got it! I’ll remember that!”

Mario shot a thumbs up. “Oh yeah!”

Even Weegee Doll nodded in agreement. “Weegee!”

“Sex and gender are different things,” Dr. Koops said. “You may be biologically male, but if you are more comfortable as a girl, that is your gender. You are a girl. If people don’t respect that, it’s their problem.”

Minion’s eyes watered up as she smiled. “Th-Thank you guys, s-so much!”

The elevator dinged, and the door opened.

Minion looked to Weegee Doll. “Are… you still gonna try to get us after that?”

Weegee Doll nodded. “Weegee!”

“...Crap.”

Mario, SMG4, Minion, and Dr. Koops booked it as Weegee Doll chased them down. Before long, they managed to reach a room with a bridge over green liquid.

“I… think we lost it…” SMG4 muttered.

“What is this stinky place?” Mario asked, pinching his nose.

“It’s nuclear waste storage,” Dr. Koops answered nonchalantly.

“What kind of research do you do here, exactly?” SMG4 asked.

“Oh, all kinds. Actually, it was here that the atomic bomb was developed.”

Mario blinked. “I’ve got an idea…”

Weegee Doll popped into the room and began looking around. What he was not expecting was Mario to jumpscare him. Weegee Doll screamed, stumbling backwards and falling into the waste. Mario and SMG4 cheered in victory, while Minion mourned the doll.

Then, they heard laughter. They looked down as Weegee Doll floated up, glowing with radiation.

“Great,” Koops muttered. “The radiation mutated him. Good job.”

“SHUT UP!” Mario retorted.

Weegee Doll began firing balls of energy at them. They ran into a back room, where Minion spotted something.

“Oh!” She ran over. “A bin of spare Weegee parts!”

Weegee Doll entered the room… only to see the four wearing Weegee heads.

“Weegee…?” SMG4 muttered.

After a moment, Weegee Doll nodded. “Weegee!” With that, he continued his search.

Mario laughed as they entered the next room. “What an idiot!”

“So, uh… how did we get those on so quickly?” SMG4 asked.

“Dunno,” Minion replied. “I kinda just… reached out and grabbed them.” Her arms stretched to an absurd length. “Like this!”

“...What the hell?”

“It must be some sort of superpower caused by the spaghetti cells,” Dr. Koops muttered. “Er… or something.”

“...I’m not gonna pretend to understand this science stuff,” SMG4 muttered.

“Good,” Koops replied. “Because honestly, I don’t understand how this particular thing works myself.”

Suddenly, the floor opened up, and the group fell through a hidden trapdoor, landing on the cold metal floor below. They were right beside the power core. And in the control room stood Mr. L.

“Hello, Mario, SMG4, Koopa guy… weird clone guy?”

“Girl.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Mr. L coughed awkwardly.

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, LUIGI?!” Mario shouted. 

Mr. L grinned. “Allow me to explain…”

2 days ago…

Luigi walked along the path towards the store, humming. He then saw a sign for the lab. They were looking for volunteers.

Mr. L: When I saw that sign, I was… compelled to come. I felt like I needed to help them with whatever new achievement they’d almost reached.

Luigi stepped into the machine, shaking a bit.

“3, 2, 1… NOW!” one of the doctors said. Another started up the machine.

Luigi began to shake more, taking out a Luigi plush. “Protect me, Captain Weegee!”

The scientist’s eyes widened. “LUIGI! You’re not supposed to have anything in there with–”

The process finished in a flash of light. From the smoke emerged... Weegee Doll.

“Wh… what is that…?” Luigi muttered.

Weegee Doll rushed forward, hugging one of the scientists and converting him into a Weegee Doll. The two Dolls turned on the other scientist, swarming him.

Dr. Koops entered the room, sighing. “Can I not just take a coffee brea–”

He froze upon seeing the Weegee Dolls.

“Weegee!”

Dr. Koops ran out, screaming.

Mr. L: It was then that I reflected. All the work I’d done for you, Mario. All the times I had to pay for your damages. And then, all the times you treated me like garbage. You pretended I didn’t exist. And I decided to take my vengeance on you… and the WORLD!

“And so, Mr. L was bor–”

“FIRE!”

Mario threw Dr. Koops through the window, hitting Mr. L in the head and knocking him out. SMG4 and Minion glanced at Mario.

“...What? He was monologuing!”

“So, Koops.” SMG4 looked up to the doctor as he rose and began messing with the controls. “How do we destroy this thing?”

A shadow crossed Dr. Koops face. “It… must be manually detonated. One of us will have to stay behind.”

After a moment, Minion stepped forward. “I–”

“DON’T YOU DARE!” Dr. Koops growled. “You still have your whole life ahead of you, Minion. Don’t waste it like this. I was in charge of this experiment. I let this happen, so I must put an end to it.”

“But… how do we get out?” SMG4 asked.

It was then that Weegee Doll burst through the wall, seething with anger.

“WEEEGEEEE!”

“Oh crap!” SMG4 shouted.

Weegee Doll laughed… only to get shot in the head by Mario’s S U R P R I S E  S H O T G U N. He was immediately depowered and fell to the ground.

SMG4 looked at Mario. “Where did you get that?”

“The wall.” Mario pointed to a broken glass case that read “emergency shotgun”.

“...Huh.”

“Let’s get outta here!” Mario grabbed a nearby rocket and jammed it into Weegee Doll’s ass, causing him to jolt in shock. He, SMG4, and Minion hopped atop it. Minion cast a glance back at Dr. Koops.

“It’ll be okay,” the Koopa Troop assured with a smile. “But here, take this. Remember – it does not work on the original clone, but merely removes its ability to create more. Oh, and him, too.”

He tossed the antidote canister up to Minion, following with Mr. L. The clone caught the canister, looking at Koops with mournful eyes while SMG4 held Mr. L in place to prevent him from falling off.

Koops smiled. “A great man once said “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” You get it?”

Minion began to tear up, but nodded.

Mario slapped the engine. “LET’S-A FUCKING GOOOOOOOO!”

Weegee Doll blasted off, flying through the roof and into the sky. Koops watched as SMG4 steered Weegee Doll towards the Mushroom Castle.

Once they were gone, he sighed, and pressed a button on the panel.

[CORE MELTDOWN INITIATED.]

Dr. Koops smiled, closing his eyes one final time as the power core began to glow.

Minion looked back as a massive explosion consumed the science lab, leaving nothing but a gaping crater behind. She wiped the tears from her eyes and focused on the coming Mushroom Castle.

SMG3 stretched as he stepped out into the sunlight.

“Finally. Today’s the day I humiliate SMG4 more than anything has ever humiliated him in his entire life!” He paused for a moment. “Maybe I should finish that hat first…”

After a moment, he scoffed. “Eh, why put this off? I did promise him, after all.”

Then, the sound of a rocket was heard. SMG3 looked up to see Weegee Doll flying above, a rocket jutting out of his ass.

“...Aaaand it’s back to making a new hat for me .”

SMG3 went back into his house and shut the door.

“I’m out!” FM shouted, tossing his gun aside.

Meggy popped up, having just recharged her ink. “Well, I’m not! Stay behind me!”

She pulled out a Mini Splatling, mowing down a group of Weegee Dolls.

“WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” X shouted, running in panicked circles.

“IIIINCOMIIIIIINNNGGGG!”

Meggy looked up to see Weegee Doll, being ridden by SMG4, Mario, Mr. L, and Minion, heading straight towards them.

“DUCK!” she shouted. Everyone took cover as Weegee Doll crashed into the roof. The four leapt off.

“MINION!” Mario shouted. “Give the antidote to Meggy!”

“...Who?”

“Me!” Meggy waved.

Minion tossed the antidote canister, which Meggy quickly replaced her ink canister with. Firing it out of her Splattershot, she quickly mowed down Weegee Doll after Weegee Doll. Before long, all the ones around the castle were back to normal.

“Ow…” Bob muttered, getting back on his feet. “My OvArIeS…”

“Well… that sucked,” ADD muttered.

“Beyond belief,” GD agreed.

Meggy put her ink canister back on her back. “All in a day’s work, eh, Red?”

No response.

“...Red?”

SMG4 pointed across the castle roof. “Over there.”

Meggy followed his finger to see Mario sitting on the edge of the roof. His legs dangled over the edge.

“I’ll… go check on him,” Meggy said, making her way towards Mario. She stopped, looking back at SMG4. “Oh, and…”

“SMG4.”

“Yeah. That Weegee Doll you guys rode in on? The antidote didn’t affect it.”

Meggy continued walking towards Mario as SMG4 took in the information. He turned and rushed towards where they landed… and crashed into Minion.

“Minion!”

“SMG4!”

After a moment, they chuckled.

“You go first.”

“No, you.”

SMG4 sighed. “Turns out, that Weegee Doll we rode in on is the original. Luckily, Meggy got it with the antidote, so it can’t convert people anymore.”

Minion sighed in relief. “Well… that’s good, I guess.”

“...What happened?”

“The Weegee Doll – it’s gone.”

“Red? You okay?”

Mario shrugged as Meggy took a seat next to him.

“...You wanna talk about it?”

Mario sighed. “Luigi said that he did what he did because of Mario. Because I was… because I treated him badly.” He looked up at Meggy. “Is… is Mario a bad person?”

Meggy blinked. “I – no. Red, you may not be the smartest or most thoughtful person around, but you are a good person. You comforted me when we lost Splatfest. You stood up to Desti. Hell, you just saved the world.”

“B-But… Mario caused this.”

Meggy leaned back, using her hands to support her. “So… try being a better brother. Improve yourself. Show Luigi you care in the future.”

Meggy’s phone buzzed. She glanced at it briefly.

“Welp, I gotta go. We’re gonna go see Hevy.” Meggy stood up. “Just… think on it, Red.”

With that, Meggy leapt down, using a blast of ink and her squid form to make a safe landing on the bridge below, and went into the castle.

Once she was gone, Mario sighed.

“HEY! MARIO!”

Mario looked over at the sound of SMG4’s voice.

“LUIGI’S AWAKE!”

Mario’s eyes widened. He jumped up and ran over to the others, tackling Luigi in a hug.

“M-Mario?” Luigi muttered. “Wh-What’s wrong?”

“M-Mario’s so sorry!” Mario cried. “I promise, Mario will treat you better from now on!”

“Um… okay?”

Luigi glanced at Minion. “Oh! Who’s-a this?”

Mario blinked, backing up. “Luigi?”

“It’s no use,” X said. “He remembers nothing.”

“W-Well, not quite true,” Luigi muttered. “I… I remember the experiment, and then, in the smoke, I… I saw…”

“What did you see?!” FM asked, leaning in.

“I… I think it was… Kamek?”

Mario’s eye twitched.

“MAMAFUCKER!”

Kamek popped in behind Bowser. The Koopa King and EM64 turned around.

“Ah, you’re back,” EM64 noted. “How’d it go?”

“Well, Mr. L was stopped,” Kamek muttered.

“We knew they’d stop him.” EM64 rolled his eyes. “Luigi doesn’t have what it takes to make a big villain. Luckily, your little mind tricks bought us enough time to prepare.”

EM64 opened the book to the page with the black Power Star. “Kamek, get what we need. Bowser… get ready to, ahem, cook.”

Kamek teleported away, while Bowser reached into a nearby cabinet. Unknown to the group, someone else was watching from the shadows.

“Whatever they’re up to, it’s not good,” Bravo muttered. “What should we do, sir?”

“I say we smash ‘em in!” Barrage said with a grin.

“No.” Captain Toad narrowed his gaze. “We need to finish our mission – find out what they’re up to first… and stop them, once and for all.”

“Oh, I’m so drunk I can barely see–”

Babeh groaned. “Shut up, Bewbs.”

Chapter Text

“Well?”

“Got almost everything, sirs.” With a wave of his wand, Kamek levitated the objects he had retrieved over towards EM64. “The final powered fragment of the Nightmare Stone. A Power Star retrieved from one of Mario’s allies. You have the book. And, of course…”

With one final wave, a dolly appeared, with a now-conscious Z strapped onto it.

“You won’t get away with this!” they growled, glaring at EM64. “I will not let you destroy my chance at getting answers!”

The other villain chuckled. “Oh, you won’t die or anything. I just need a soul to power this thing. And that soul will be yours.”

EM64 looked to Bowser. “Start the machine, and let’s get this kingdom-conquering scheme underway!”

Bowser grinned, pulling a lever. EM64 placed the Power Star and Nightmare Stone fragment on pedestals attached, then wheeled Z to the middle.

“You’re gonna be so sorry for this when I break free–”

“Relax, whatever-your-name-is.” EM64 smiled. “This won’t hurt a bit… okay, no, that’s a lie. It’ll probably hurt a lot.”

He opened up the book and raised a hand into the air, reading out an incantation. “Power of darkness, power of evil, my will you shall obey. Form this beast, corrupt this Star, and bring about their darkest day!”

As a strange substance flowed into the pillars, the Nightmare Stone shard, Power Star, and Z all began to glow. The shard and Star flew into Z, who screamed as a dark energy surrounded him.

Bowser glanced at EM64. “This… seems painful. Maybe we should stop. I don’t want to hurt anyone I don’t need to…”

“You need to hurt him!” EM64 growled. “You’re the Koopa King! Mercy is not in your vocabulary! You do what it takes to win – no matter the cost. That’s always been your family’s legacy. Are you really willing to give all that up now?!”

“Well… I…”

“STOP RIGHT TH – Wha-ha-hat the hell?”

The trio turned to see Captain Toad and the BattleToads Justice Crew in the doorway, staring in shock and horror at Z.

“You’re too late!” EM64 taunted. “The process has already begu–”

In an instant, an explosion of dark energy knocked everyone off their feet as Z became encased in some sort of miniature black hole, which immediately began sucking anything and everything towards it. The BattleToads grabbed onto the door, while Kamek, Bowser, and EM64 grabbed the machine. Bravo reached for Captain Toad as he flew past…

And just barely missed. Screaming, Captain Toad vanished into the all-consuming darkness. 

And just like that, it was over. With one more burst of dark energy, the screams faded, the black hole disappeared, and all returned to normal… aside from the new presence in the room.

It floated in the center of the room – a Power Star in appearance, turned black in corruption. Its eyes – one red, one brown – looked around the room as it spun to face EM64.

“Wh… What have you done to me?”

EM64 blinked. “Uh… recolor guy?”

“Z ! My name is Z!” For a brief moment, the Star’s… face, of sorts, glitched, but shortly returned to normal. “Though… I feel… powerful, now. Mighty.”

“Err… yes!” Sweat dripped down EM64’s head. He’d expected this Dark Star to be created from scratch, for it to be his loyal servant, not to simply have the mind of the one who had been used to create it. “I… made you this way! Now, together, we can… er…”

Z laughed. “ We ? No. I… I hunger. I hunger for… for Stars. There is no we, EM64. Only me. I… am not Z. Not anymore. Now… there is only Ztar.”

“That’s a pun and I hate it,” Babeh muttered.

With that, the newly-christened Ztar blasted through the roof, the castle’s speakers suddenly blaring the song Déjà Vu from Initial D. Ztar laughed as they spun away, relishing in their newfound power.

EM64 looked to the ground. “Well… shit.”

“So WhAt ThE hElL iS gOiNg On?”

FM sighed as he picked Cube up. “Long story short, we’re on our way to kick some Koopa King ass.”

“Yo LeT mE jOiN! I wAnNa KiCk SoMe AsS tOo FiReMeRiO12345!”

“...Y’know what? We could probably use the help.”

“FM, please, no,” X muttered from the side. “I can’t deal with this right now.”

“C’mon, X! Fawn, Pink, ADD, and GD are helping round up the remaining Weegee Dolls right now, Kai’s… occupied, and MCG’s gone off to find RM. We need all the help we can get.”

SMG4 sighed. “Fine. Bob can come.”

X groaned. “This is not going to end well.”

Mario cracked his knuckles. “Mario’s gonna kill some bitches!”

“Say, Mario.” FM looked to the Italian. “Is Meggy coming?”

“Nah. She’s got a lot on her plate with her team, cleaning up the Weegee Dolls in Inkopolis, and possibly dealing with an Octoling bitch, so cut her some slack.”

After a moment, FM leaned over to X. “You ever had Mario tell you to cut anyone some slack?”

“Nope,” X replied, not looking up. “And I’m gonna say this now, FM: don’t dig into it. You’ll go down a hole and find yourself causing problems trying to deal with something you know nothing about.”

“...”

“FM.”

“Ugh, fine…”

Minion looked at Bob, her face steeled. “This guy is responsible for Dr. Koops’ death. I don’t care how much you do to him – just leave some of him for me .”

“...WhO’s ThE nEw GuY? He LoOkS… wEiRd.”

“I’m a girl,” Minion corrected. “I use she/her pronouns.”

“Oh. SoRrY. YoU tRaNs Or SoMeThInG?”

“Uh… yeah? Is that the right term, SMG4?”

“Yeah.”

“CoOl!” Bob held up a sword arm. “I’m TeChNiCaLlY nOt CiS mYsElF!”

Everyone stared at Bob.

“...You’re trans, Bob?” SLG4 asked.

“KiNdA. I’m InTeRsEx, BuT iDeNtIfY wItH hE/HiM pRoNoUnS. WhAt, DiD yOu ThInK i WaS kIdDiNg WhEn I sAiD i HaD oVaRiEs?”

“...Alright, then.” SMG4 turned, a grin spreading across his face. “Anyways, let’s go kick some Koopa ass–”

“MARIO!”

Peach burst into the room. Mario groaned. “Peach, we were about to kick Bowser’s ass!”

“Mario, there’s something wrong,” Peach muttered. “I can sense it. It’s the Stars…”

“Nobody caaaaares!” Mario sang.

“No, no, I’m feeling it too,” X noted, rubbing his head. “Something’s going down.”

The group then heard a knock on the castle door.

“...I’ll get it!” FM said cheerfully, rushing to the door. He opened it… only to be greeted by Bowser, EM64, Kamek, and the BattleToads Justice Crew.

“...Oh.”

Mario’s eyes narrowed. “FUCK ‘EM UP!”

“WAIT!” Bravo jumped forward. “They’ve come to talk!”

Everyone froze. Peach blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Heeeeeyyyy…” EM64 shuffled in nervously. “So I had a plan to make an evil Star… and, uh… it got too evil because I think I used the wrong guy to give it life. Sooo…”

SMG4 sighed. “You want our help?”

“Erm… yes.”

“Wait…” Mario looked over the BattleToads Justice Crew. “Where’s Captain Toad…?”

Barrage, Babeh, and Bewbs looked away.

“He… was sucked into that evil Star thing,” Bravo muttered. “It… er, they called themselves Ztar. Some sort of pun or something.”

“Pun?” SMG4 muttered. “How is “Ztar” a…”

His eyes widened in realization. “Oh, no. No.” He glared at EM64. “Is… is this thing made from Z?!”

SLG4 glared at EM64. “EM64, please tell me you didn’t...”

“...What, are they a friend of yours?”

“...I do not regret turning on you at all.”

SMG4 sighed. “God dammit. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse…”

Darkness enveloped the castle.

“...Aaand they’re here, aren’t they?”

“Yyyup.”

“Welp.” EM64 saluted them, walking into the Bob-Omb Battlefield warp room. “I’m out. Good luck to ya’ll!”

“GET BACK HERE!” FM shouted, but he was too late to stop EM64 from hopping in and warping away.

“You gonna run too, Bowser?” Peach asked, glaring at the Koopa King.

“Hey, now.” Bowser put up his hands defensively. “I never meant for it to go this far. I just want the Mushroom Kingdom and you, not world domination or whatever. I’ll help, even if my… er, partner, won’t.”

“Sire, he left the book behind!” Kamek called out.

“Well, find something we can work with!” Bowser ordered.

“Yes, sire!”

“Wait…” Peach looked around. “Where’s your son?”

“Junior? He’s with my mother. Thought it best to keep him out of harm’s way.”

Peach blinked. “You’re… a surprisingly caring father.”

Bowser shrugged. “I try.”

“It says here that we can counter a Dark Star with an aptly-named “Light Star”,” Kamek explained, reading through EM64’s book. “Of course, we need to find someone willing to become the star first.”

After a moment of silence, X stepped forward. “I–”

“Oh, no you don’t.”

Minion shoved X out of the way, holding Old Man Hobo over her head. “Nobody else my friends or I know is dying today. Take this hobo guy instead.”

She tossed Old Man Hobo over to Kamek. Upon seeing the man, FM froze up in horror. “No… not him…” he muttered, visible trauma on his face.

“So…” Mario edged closer to Kamek. “What did you do to Luigi?”

“Hm?” Kamek paused as he flipped through EM64’s book. “Oh. You’re referring to the Mr. L persona, yes?”

“M-hmmmm…”

“Yes, I compelled Luigi to volunteer, as well as cast a spell increasing his doubts tenfold. I simply… encouraged him. Gave him the confidence to fulfill his role. Everything else was already there.”

“You stupid SON OF A–”

“He’s not worth it, Mario!” SLG4 shouted, grabbing Mario and pulling him back. “Luke, gimme a hand here!”

“Alright.” Kamek looked the book over while X patted FM on the back and the Hobo Bros (as Mario called SMG4 and SLG4) restrained their Italian friend. “We need something of similar power to the Nightmare Stone shard, but counter to its energy. Plus a Power Star.”

“SMG4! MARIO! I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!”

Mario paled. “Uh-oh.”

“And hey, why not bring Luigi out while you’re at it? Maybe even those two police guys,” Ztar called down from above the castle. “Or do I need to flush you out?”

“Hurry!” Kamek urged.

“Uh…” SMG4 paced.

“Why not use Kamek’s wand?” Peach suggested. “It’s powerful. Surely it could counter the Nightmare Stone.”

“Theoretically, yes. However…” Kamek held his wand closely. “It’s my wand!”

“Kamek, we’re using your wand.”

“Yes, sire.”

“I bEtTeR hAvE a PaRt In ThIs PlAn,” Bob muttered. “I’m AlReAdY fEeLiNg LeFt OuT.”

“Bob, BattleToads, X, SLG4, and FM distract that thing,” SMG4 said. “Peach, Bowser, Mario, Minion, Kamek, and I will get this Light Star up and running.”

“BiTcH hOw ArE wE sUpPoSeD tO hUrT tHaT tHiNg?”

FM coughed. “Uh… I have an idea.”

He pulled out his phone.

“...Really, FM?”

“What?!” FM whipped towards X as they stood on the beach near the castle. “I don’t see you with any better ideas!”

“Hey!” SLG4 shouted from the castle roof. “You two better hurry up!”

“And get the ragdoll to help while you’re at it!” Barrage added harshly.

“WoW. ScReW yOu ToO!”

The pair turned to see Bob sitting back on a beach chair, wearing sunglasses and eating popcorn as he watched the others do their best against Ztar. After a moment, he felt X and FM’s gaze on him and turned towards them.

“WhAt? YoU tHiNk I cAn KiLl A gOd?”

“No! But we can!” a familiar, cracking, young voice said.

From the ocean rose Joe Boopkins, Fishy sitting on his shoulder. Ben popped up beside them, a phone in hand.

“Ho-Ly ShIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIt,” Bob muttered.

“Bob, meet Joe and Fishy Boopkins,” FM said proudly. “Er, and Ben.”

X sighed as Ben swam up next to him.

“Told you I’d be helpful one day, mi amigo!” the merToad said cheekily.

“Shut up, Ben.”

“We almost ready?” SMG4 asked.

“We are ready,” Kamek corrected. He held the book up and cleared his throat. “Aid me today, power of light. Manifest and end this plight!”

The magic poured from Kamek’s wand, flowing to the Power Star and Old Man Hobo. Similar to what happened with Z, the two flew into Old Man Hobo. After a brief moment, it exploded into a vacuum, drawing anyone it could closer. Fortunately, this time it was expected, and so nobody was sucked up.

When everything faded, everyone stared in awe at the sight before them. A Power Star, bathed in white light, rose. Its usual face was replaced with that of Old Man Hobo.

“...Wow.”

Joe Boopkins flew back, crashing through a building and landing on the ground, now unconscious.

“Dad!” Fishy cried out, running towards his fallen father.

“It’s coming!” the yellow hobo shouted as he and the blue hobo ran down the streets of Oviscity. “The day of reckoning grows ever closer!”

“You idiots!” Wario shouted as he dove for shelter, followed closely by Waluigi. “How is this not the “day of reckoning” or whatever BS you crazy hobos come up with?”

“You’re one to talk…” his taller brother muttered.

“What we do is unapologetic scamming , Waluigi,” Wario corrected. “ They genuinely believe that they’re right, because they’re crazy . There’s a difference.”

Above the city, Ztar roared as they drew in Power Stars from across the Kingdom.

“What do we do?!” SLG4 cried. “Joe’s down, Fawn and the others are unaccounted for…”

“We keep fighting!” FM growled, rocket launcher in hand. He fired, but a blast of dark energy from Ztar vaporized the projectile.

“DAMMIT!”

Suddenly, Ztar felt something tap him from behind. He huffed.

“Idiot. I’m not falling for that trick so easi–”

Ztar was then punched in the eye by a stretched-out arm. Minion quickly pulled it back.

X blinked. “How…?”

“Spa-GHETTI.”

“...What?”

“It’s a long story.”

“YOU GODDAMN LITTLE CRETIN!” Ztar shouted, rising above the group. “You’re brave, boy, but that’s the last mistake you’ll ever fucking MAKE!”

“Girl, actually.”

“Oh. My bad.” Ztar coughed. “Er, lemme try that again… you’re brave, girl, but that’s the last mistake you’ll ever fucking MAKE!”

“Z, STOP!”

Ztar paused, turning around to see SLG4.

“Please, you don’t need to do this...”

“You don’t understand, Kevin! I must consume all Stars! I need to!”

SLG4’s brow furrowed. “Z...”

Suddenly, light filled the sky as another Power Star appeared – Old Man Star.

“Jerry? Is that you?”

Ztar paused. “Uhhh… what?”

“Oh, Jerry, you know how to keep a girl waiting!”

“What? NO! Stay the hell back!”

Old Man Star moved in closer as SMG4, Mario, Bowser, and the others rejoined the group.

“Uh… not… quite what I expected…” Peach muttered.

Bowser shrugged. “It gets the job done, I guess?”

Ztar backed away from Old Man Star, still absorbing Power Stars from across the Kingdom. For a brief moment, their face glitched, which caught the attention of Babeh.

“Oh?”

Then, Ztar paused. “Wait… with all these Stars collected…” If Ztar could grin, they would have right there. “I’m more powerful than this old man.”

Ztar roared, dark tendrils reaching from them to Old Man Star and latching on. Old Man Star screamed as dark energy coursed through him. In mere moments, Old Man Star was torn apart, reverted back into Old Man Hobo, Kamek’s wand, and a Power Star, the latter quickly being absorbed by Ztar. The Dark Star laughed maniacally.

“...Mario thinks we’re fucked. We’re just fucked.”

“Not quite, Mario!”

The group turned to see none other than Luigi and E. Gadd behind them.

“Who’s this guy?” Minion asked.

“CaN’t YoU tElL? He’S a NeRd LoL.”

“Be nice, Bob!” Boopkins frowned at the cloaked man.

E. Gadd cleared his throat. “Luigi came to me seeking an answer for this situation. I, of course, happen to have the perfect backup plan!”

Reaching into his pocket, E. Gadd pulled out a familiar device and held it up. “Bot’s dimensional transporter should be able to stop this Ztar fellow.”

“...Do you even know where it’ll send Ztar?”

“Someplace far from Earth.” E. Gadd shrugged. “Aside from that, it could be simply distant space, a parallel universe, a pocket dimension… who really knows?”

“Well… don’t set the pocket dimension to collapse.”

Gadd blinked, looking to Babeh. “Why is that?”

The Toad looked back. “Because I think the captain is still alive in there.”

“...What?”

“Captain Toad was absorbed into Ztar upon their creation,” Babeh explained. “I’ve been noticing Ztar “glitching”, of sorts, ever since then. Perhaps that is Captain Toad trying to reach out from within.”

“That’s… a stretch,” E. Gadd muttered. “But if what you say is correct…”

“We can’t risk it!” Bravo cried.

“Wait,” SMG4 said. “Don’t we need to get Ztar through the portal to banish him, E. Gadd?”

“Well… yes?”

“How. The hell. Do we do that?”

“Er…”

“I CAN HEEAAARRR YOOOOOUUUUU…”

Everyone froze to see the red and brown eyes of Ztar gazing at them from the sky. Ztar had transformed into a massive cloud of darkness hanging over the city, their eyes glaring down at them. Fire began raining down from the sky.

“Hurry!” SLG4 shouted. “Get the citizens to safety!”

The group split up, helping civilians find cover. One particular Goomba kid and his Bob-Omb friend tripped as a fireball rocketed towards them. They closed their eyes, bracing for impact… only for something to tackle them from the side.

The Goomba kid opened his eyes to see that he and the Bob-Omb had been scooped up by none other than Mario, who quickly rushed them to a nearby bunker. As Mario ran back out, the Goomba watched him, eyes sparkling with awe.

Nearby, SMG3 stepped out of his house.

“WILL YOU SHUT UP! People are trying to sl–”

SMG3 froze at the sight of the roaring Ztar in the sky.

“...Carry on.”

He ducked back in, shut the door, and locked it.

“YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME!” Ztar bragged as they continued their destruction. “NOT THIS TIME, MARIO, SMG4. I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN ANYTHING YOU HAVE EV–”

Ztar suddenly paused, glitching again. This time, when it disappeared, Ztar’s usual two eyes had been replaced with the face of…

“Captain!” the BattleToads Justice Crew cried.

“D… Do it!” Captain Toad cried out. “Activate the portal! I’ll vent the Power Stars out of our system!”

Bravo swallowed. “B-But… Captain…”

“DO IT !”

After a moment, Bravo sighed. He looked to E. Gadd and nodded. With the press of a button, a portal appeared next to the gang.

In a moment, a scream of rage sounded from above as yellow lines – Power Stars – raced out of Ztar. Within half a minute, Ztar had been reduced to their base form. They began flying down, pausing every few moments as their two personalities switched.

“How dare you! I was so close !”

“Yeah, well, can’t let you hurt my friends or my Kingdom, can I?”

“WHY. WON’T. YOU. JUST. DIE?!”

“SUCK MY DIIIICK!”

Ztar neared the portal. The struggle became more intense as Ztar’s Z half struggled to get control from Captain Toad.

“W-WAIT! Y-YOU’RE MAKING A MISTAKE!” Ztar struggled. “DON’T YOU DARE DO THIS! I HAVE PLANS! I HAVE MYSTERIES TO SOLVE! I CAN’T LOSE ALL MY WORK!”

Captain Toad forced Ztar closer.

“ NO ! DON’T DO THIS TO ME!”

Ztar turned to face Bravo, Captain Toad once more in the driver’s seat.

“Take care of the Crew, ‘kay, Bravo?”

Bravo nodded, tears forming in his eyes, as, with one final lunge, Ztar hurtled towards the portal, switching back to Z one last time.

“CAPTAAAAAAAIIINNNN!”

And just like that, Ztar was gone. E. Gadd closed the portal.

“Well, now that that’s done…”

Suddenly, Bravo snatched Bot’s device from him.

“HEY! What’s the big idea?!”

“Bravo…” Luigi stepped forward. “We… can’t bring him back.”

“I… I know.” Bravo dropped the remote. “But we can make sure nobody can bring Ztar back from… from wherever they went.”

He brought his foot up… and then back down, onto the device. He repeated this several more times, crushing the dimensional transporter under his heel until nothing salvageable remained.

With a sigh, E. Gadd knelt down and picked up the device. He put the remains in his pocket, alongside something else. “I suppose I must incinerate this,” he muttered. “Ah, well. I got what I could out of it.”

The professor walked away.

“So… what now?” SLG4 asked.

SMG4 smiled. “You guys wanna play some Super Smash Each Other In The Ass Brothers?”

“YEAH!”

Minion blinked. “What’s that?”

“Oh, you’ll love it,” SLG4 said. “It’s this fighting game where…”

The group talked and laughed as they headed home. The BattleToads Justice Crew stayed a bit longer, looking to where the portal had once been. One by one, they saluted their lost captain.

“Farewell, Captain Toad,” Bravo muttered. “Wherever you are.”

With that, the four turned and followed the others back towards the castle. 

As they walked, Peach paused, noticing that Bowser wasn’t with them. She looked around, but saw no sign of the Koopa King. She figured that he must have left. A shame; she was half tempted to invite him to her castle for celebrations just this once. She’d heard a saying once, one she had not believed until now: you might be the bad guy, but that doesn’t make you a bad guy.

And she could see that somewhere, deep beneath his Koopa pride and lust for her, Bowser wasn’t all that bad. But it would take time for him to come around. Maybe, one day, they could be at peace…

“Princess?”

Peach snapped out of her thoughts, looking down to see Toadsworth standing beside her.

“Yes, Toadsworth?”

“We’d best get going,” the elderly Toad suggested. “My son isn’t one to be left with the likes of Mario for long.”

“...I suppose you’re right.”

Casting one last look back, Peach followed Toadsworth back towards the castle.

“I’m surprised you didn’t go with them, Lord Bowser,” Kamek noted. “You helped them stop Ztar, after all.”

“Yes, well…” Bowser sighed. “I doubt they’d let me in, anyways. Not after all I’ve done to them.”

“Eh, it’s for the best.”

The two turned around to see EM64 walking up to them.

“Well, you took your sweet time,” Bowser growled.

“Hey, what can I say?” EM64 shrugged. “I’m lookin’ out for numero uno. That’s me , if, uh, you didn’t catch that. Now, we still have to talk about conquering the Mushroom Kingdom…”

As EM64 and Kamek prepared to teleport away, Bowser looked down at the retreating heroes. He almost wanted to be with them.

“Bowser! Let’s go!”

The sound of EM64’s voice snapped him out of his stupor. Hesitantly, Bowser walked over to the other villain, and Kamek activated his warping magic.

“By the way, Kamek… where’s my book?”

“Oh, it’s… uh…”

EM64’s eye twitched. “Did you…”

Kamek chuckled nervously.

“…You LOST I–”

He was cut off as the teleportation spell warped them all back to Bowser’s castle.

“Well, that was easy,” E. Gadd muttered as he set EM64’s book on his desk. “Now… without that dimensional transporter, I’m going to need to look to other methods. Something of Ztar’s power cannot be contained forever. Best I begin my research now so we can be ready for them wherever they return.”

With that, E. Gadd opened the book and began to read.

“So… how are you?”

Z growled. “Shut up. Can you just… not talk for a bit?”

“It annoys you?” Captain Toad chuckled. “Well, then I’ll just keep talking.”

“Don’t make me kill you.”

“You can’t. In a way, I am you, after all. So we’re stuck here like this forever.”

“...Dammit. There’s not even any music to drown out his annoying voice…”

“Nnnope.”

“Can you at least make this eternal hellhole somewhat enjoyable?”

“What do you mean? Personally, I’m enjoying the hell outta this.”

Z groaned. “This is agony.”

“Why, yes. Yes it is.”

“RM?”

MCG shivered as he walked across the floor of the ravine not far from the castle. According to Fawn, RM had been chased in here by the Weegee Dolls. MCG had come to find his friend. Of course, he had not been expecting to come across shady residents, illegal activity, and a constant temperature of around 25 degrees Fahrenheit (or -4 degrees Celsius).

“RM? You here, buddy?” he called as he rounded a corner. Then, he froze.

Before him stood what appeared to be some sort of church or temple. The doors were wide open, but no lights inside were on.

“M-Maybe he’s in here…” he muttered, walking in.

It didn’t take long for MCG to reach the temple’s main room. It was odd. There were no seats for people, only a single pedestal towards the far end of the temple. The walls were black and glassy, with green text running down it. This pseudo-digital design extended to the other parts of the building as well, with red columns and sections of the walls possessing grid patterns one would find inside a computer’s motherboard. The floor seemed to be made of metal squares, the scratches on the sides of it showing a blue undercoat of sorts, which only furthered the temple’s cybernetic look. 

Stained glass windows lined the wall, with art depicting three individuals, two nearly identical in appearance: tall, spindly figures, with three fingers on each hand, legs ending in stubs, and one eye in the center of their head. Two of them, one red and one blue, wore caps, while the third, colored gray, wore a beanie. All three had the same design for their headwear – mostly red, with a white equilateral triangle at the front. The red one was at the front, with the blue and gray ones on either side behind them. Notably, the grey one seemed to have ears and two eyes, and a slightly different body shape. A background of green grass and a bright blue sky was behind them. This design was carried across all the windows in the temple, and they looked awfully new compared to the temple’s outside.

It was then that MCG spotted RM, lying on the floor near the pedestal.

“RM!” MCG rushed over to his friend, but froze at the sight of him. RM’s eyes were rolled up into his head, his body covered in cracks.

“Wh… What happened to you…?” MCG muttered, backing away.

“Ā̷̙̼̣͙̽V̸̬̫̭̑̈́̽͊A̶̖̾͑͘͝T̵̯͍̙̳́̽͠À̸̧̇͘R̸̩͑̋…̶̩͊?̴̳̼͎̦͐͌”

MCG stopped as a red light shone from above, lighting up the room and focusing on him. He looked up, frozen in terror, as he stared down a faceless horror.

“W̵̓͐͌̋͜Ę̵̩̰͑͌̓̆ ̸͚̪̏Ś̴̻̪͓̅H̶̱͓͘A̵̰̹͇̐́̈L̵͕͌̈́̄̊L̵̘͉͚̑ ̶͉͕͠Ṣ̶̠̤̍̒͆̾Ę̸̹͉̦̈́̈́͊̓Ȩ̵̽́…̸̬̃”

A massive blue-gray, three-fingered hand reached out of the darkness, appearing from seemingly nowhere. MCG screamed, attempting to make a run for it, but was too slow. The hand grabbed him, dragging him into the darkness as he continued screaming for help, for someone, anyone to save him.

But nobody came.

Chapter Text

“Somebody help!”

A female Toad screamed out in terror as she began moving towards the flaming building before her. A fireman quickly grabbed her and yanked her back.

“What’s the problem, ma’am?”

“My son! He’s still in there!” she shouted.

“Stand back!”

Out of nowhere, a red van skidded up. Plastered on the side was the BattleToads Justice Crew’s logo. Barrage jumped out and rushed into the building, screaming his name… only to run out seconds later on fire.

“I’M ON FIRE! OH, SHIT!”

Babeh sighed as he hopped out. “Apologies for my uncle, ma’am. We’ll take care of this.”

The fireman blinked. “And… why do you think you can…?”

“Simple!” Bravo said, jumping out. “We’re a lot smaller than you guys, so we can get to places you can’t!”

“...Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

“Alright!” Bravo turned to Bewbs as he got out of the car. “Bewbs, can you help Barrage?”

Bewbs shot the team’s leader a thumbs up. “I gotchu, fam!”

As Bewbs ran after Barrage, Bravo turned to Babeh. “Babeh, you got a plan?”

“As a matter of fact, I do.” Babeh adjusted his glasses. “It would be best if I went in to save the kid. Bravo, I assume you can keep them wrangled?”

Bravo smiled. “Pfft, of course! What’s a leader for, amirite?”

Babeh’s face fell a bit. Something in Bravo’s tone was… off. He couldn’t tell quite what, though.

“Er… alright. Well, I’m going in!” With that, Babeh rushed into the flaming building.

Bravo sighed, turning around to see that Bewbs had managed to put out the fire on Barrage.

“Alright, guys!” he called out. “Grab the fire equipment from the Justice Machine! We need to put this thing out!”

“SIR YES SIR!” Barrage shouted, rushing towards the truck. Bewbs followed, singing merrily.

“Your team is… certainly something,” the fireman noted.

Bravo sighed. “I’ll admit, we’re… not at our best right now. We recently lost our original leader during the whole Ztar thing…”

“Oh…”

“I-It’s fine.” Bravo put on a smile. “We can still do this!”

Babeh whimpered as he moved past the fire. He’d thought he was over this. Maybe…

He shook himself. No, this was the best plan for the team. Bravo was better at wrangling Barrage and Bewbs, and they weren’t careful enough for this.

As the fire licked the walls around him, he began singing quietly. He’d found that it calmed his nerves.

“Follow me… I’m standing on the border of everything…”

“Listen close…”

Babeh stopped as a second, smaller voice sang out from up ahead. His eyes widened. It must be the kid! he thought.

“Can you hear the spirits sing…”

“Lost messages of long ago…?”

“Kid?” Babeh called out. “Can you hear me?”

“Y-Yeah…”

“Okay. Keep singing. I’ll follow your voice. Okay?”

“O-Okay…”

“Leave the life you knew before…”

“See a new world worth fighting for…”

The voice was getting close now. He could see a doorway ahead.

“Find the truth of who I’m meant to become…”

“Another path I must now walk on… ”

Babeh stepped in. The young Toad was crouched under a window, shaking.

“I’m here!” He said, rushing forward. “Are you okay?”

The Toad kid shook. “I-I’m scared…”

“Shhh…” Babeh smiled as he picked the kid up. “It’s okay. We’re getting out of here.”

As he turned, part of the roof collapsed, blocking the door with flaming wood.

“...Okay, plan B.” He pulled out a walkie-talkie. “Bravo, do you copy? It’s Babeh.”

“Bravo, do you copy? It’s Babeh.”

Bravo pulled out his walkie and answered. “What’s up?”

“The door is blocked. We need a way out ASAP.”

“I GOT YOU HOMIE!”

Bewbs quickly climbed the fire truck and entered the ladder controls.

“Bewbs, wait!” Barrage shouted. “At least let someone relatively smart handle–”

“WHEEEEEEEE!”

Bewbs turned the ladder towards the building and extended it, sending it crashing through the wall and into the room Babeh was in.

“WHAT IS HE DOING?!” the fireman shouted.

“Bewbs, get down here now !” Bravo ordered. “You don’t know how to properly use such equipment!”

Bewbs chuckled. “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING!!”

Barrage groaned. “EXACTLY!”

“Dang it…” Bravo muttered. The team normally performed far better than this.

Babeh climbed onto the ladder, Toad boy in his arms. “Try to pull me out… not you, Bewbs.”

A fireman grabbed Bewbs and tossed him away, taking the controls and carefully pulling the ladder out of the building. As it reached the ground, Babeh hopped off and handed the kid to his mother.

“Thank you!” she said, tears in her eyes. “Who… who are you heroes?”

Bravo grinned enthusiastically. “It was just a day in the line of work for… the BATTLETOADS JUSTICE CREW!”

It was then that the building collapsed, having taken too much damage from the fire and Bewbs’ stunt.

“Uh…” Bravo chuckled. “Our job here is done! Gotta go!”

The Crew loaded back up in the Justice Machine and drove off, leaving the fallen building behind.

“WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE?!” Babeh shouted angrily as he paced the meeting room in the BattleToads Justice Crew’s base. “BARRAGE, ALL YOU DID WAS SET YOURSELF ON FIRE!”

“Don’t take that tone up with me, young man,” Barrage growled. “I’m still your uncle.”

Babeh sighed. “I think I’m allowed to use this tone when said uncle is BEING A MORON!”

Bewbs chuckled, but stopped when Babeh whipped towards him.

“Oh, don’t even get me started on you, Bewbs.” Babeh’s eyes narrowed. “You hijacked a fire truck and nearly killed me and the kid! What in Star’s name possessed you to do that?!”

“...I was doing a funni.”

Babeh groaned. “What happened to us…?”

It was then that he noticed that Bravo was nowhere to be seen.

“You guys seen Bravo?”

Barrage blinked. “Uh, yeah. He headed off to his room as soon as we got back.”

Babeh looked off towards the hallway where their rooms were. After a moment, he made his way over.

Before long, he had reached the door with Bravo’s logo – a yellow four-pronged star, with a smaller, black star inside it, matching the logo on his hat. Babeh knocked on the door.

“Come in…”

Babeh opened the door. Inside, Bravo sat on the edge of his bed, looking at a framed photo in his hands. Babeh sat down next to him, glancing down. It was a picture of the BattleToads Justice Crew from shortly before they got their mission to spy on Bowser. Barrage and Bewbs stood to one side, with Bravo and Babeh on the other. And in the lead stood their former leader, Captain Toad.

“...Still thinking about him, huh?”

Bravo groaned. “It’s been two weeks. How could I not , after what happened? After…”

Bravo didn’t need to finish his sentence. Babeh had been there to witness the nightmare forced upon their former leader, and the fate he had been pushed into as a result.

“I was the upbeat guy, y’know?” Bravo muttered. “The guy always looking on the bright side of things. It was supposed to balance you out, Mr. Negative.”

Babeh chuckled. “Hey…”

“But… now I have to lead…” He looked up to Babeh. “Why can’t you lead this team? You’re smarter, you’re better…”

“But they listen to you,” Babeh pointed out. “Barrage is my uncle, so he doesn’t listen to a word I say. And you know how Bewbs is.”

“I…” Bravo looked back at the picture. “How am I ever supposed to replace the captain?”

Babeh sighed. “Look, Bravo. You’re not replacing him. You just need time to… to find your leading style. To figure out the best way you can lead this team.”

“But… I mean… I can never live up to who the captain was,” Bravo said. “He’s legendary. A real hero. I’m just the guy in the background, giving pep talks and such…”

Bravo sighed. “I… I don’t know if this team can even continue without him. You saw how badly we did out there.”

“We… we saved the kid. We succeeded.”

“Captain woulda saved the building and everything in it,” Bravo muttered. “I… I just can’t even compare to him…”

Babeh reached out towards his friend. “Bravo…”

“Don’t.”

Babeh blinked, pulling his hand back.

Bravo sighed. “I… just wanna be alone right now.”

After a moment, Babeh nodded. He stood up and walked out, leaving Bravo alone to look over the picture of his team when they were in their glory days.

The Golden Eye prison compound was one of the highest-security prisons in the Mushroom Kingdom. Few breakouts had ever been attempted, and none were completely successful.

Until now.

Sirens wailed as guards rushed for their weapons. 

“What happened?” one of them shouted.

“We’ve got an escapee!” another replied. “Some crazy doctor caught about four years ago by a group of Toads!”

The first guard froze as the group entered a hallway. “Oh, God…”

“What? You know this guy?”

“Hell yeah I know him.” The guard looked down the hallway as a shadow reached around the corner. “I was around when he was caught. Complete and utter monster, that one…”

From around the corner came a short, stout man. He was dressed in black, with a white X on his shirt. His pants were blue, with black, pointed shoes on his feet. He wore white gloves and a red cape. Atop his head was a blue helmet with horns jutting off either side, and a pair of goggles hid his eyes. In fact, his entire face was hidden from view.

“...Seriously? This is who you’re so afraid of?”

The man laughed. “I am Dr. Pootis!” he said proudly in a Russian accent. “I am most dangerous man in history of world!”

The guard attempted to hold in a laugh. “Seriously?”

“Oh, Magnus!” he called out. “Come to Papa!”

The guard laughed. “Oh, man, this guy, ami–”

Suddenly, a massive pink metal fist came crashing through the roof, crushing all but the mocking guard. Its silver claws grabbed the guard and tossed him away. It tore away more of the roof, revealing it to be Dr. Pootis’ personal mech, dubbed the Magnus von Grapple.

Pootis laughed. “You stupid to underestimate great Dr. Pootis!” The Magnus grabbed Pootis and lifted him up, inserting him into the driver’s seat. Pootis turned off autopilot, taking full control of the mech before blasting off.

“Captain…” he muttered. “I’m coming for you!”

Chapter Text

“Bravo!”

Babeh slammed the door wide open as he rushed in. Bravo sighed. “Babeh, I told you half an hour ago–”

“It’s Pootis.”

Bravo froze. He looked up at Babeh. “...Wh-What…?”

“Dr. Pootis,” Babeh repeated. “He escaped.”

Dr. Pootis laughed as he reclined in his chair. “It so good being home!” he said cheerfully, resting his feet on his desk.

Then, a buzz came from his communications line. After a moment, he answered, and a familiar black and red Mario recolor appeared.

“This is Dr. Pootis, right?”

Pootis chuckled. “Most dangerous man in world. Who are you?”

The recolors smiled. “My name is EM64, and you have me to thank for your escape.”

Pootis sat up. “You one who repaired Magnus…” After a moment, he sighed. “What you want from great Dr. Pootis?”

“Mayhem,” EM64 replied. “I’m working on a plan. But I need a certain group of people out of the way. A group of Toads you may be… familiar with…”

The doctor’s eyes narrowed behind his goggles. “BattleToads…”

“Riiight on the money.” EM64 smiled. “You get your revenge, and I get to work on my plans freely. How’s that sound?”

Dr. Pootis smiled. “Friend, you got deal!”

“How could he have escaped?!” Barrage growled, slamming his fist onto the table in the BattleToads’ meeting room.

“Someone stole the remains of the Magnus von Grapple last week,” Babeh noted, looking at the information on his handheld tablet. “Evidently, they rebuilt it and freed Pootis for… some reason.”

“Ugh…” Even Bewbs groaned, not very happy about having to deal with Pootis again.

“Alright, team.” Bravo rose, placing his hands on the table. “The situation is clear: Dr. Pootis has escaped. Now, we don’t know what he’s planning to do, but I’m sure it’ll have something to do with us. Any ideas?”

“Find him and kick his ass!”

“...That’s a given, Barrage. Any ideas for how to actually find him?”

“Nah, I got nothin’.”

Bravo sighed. “Babeh?”

“Well, there was a tracker planted on the Magnus von Grapple when we put it up, in the event it got taken back,” the Toad muttered, adjusting his glasses. “But it seems whoever rebuilt it was able to deactivate the tracker.”

“Dammit…” Barrage put a finger to his chin in thought. “So how do we find him…?”

“I’m sure he’ll turn up!” Bravo said, his cheerful tone somewhat forced. “I mean, it’s Dr. Pootis. He likes to make a show. It won’t be long before he comes out swearing vengeance and stuff.”

“Won’t be long now!” Pootis muttered as he dug through his storage room, full of machines from past endeavors and ones to be used in future plots. “Have to be here somewhere…”

After a few more minutes of digging, Pootis laughed. “Finally! There you are…”

Reaching in, he pulled out a nuclear bomb.

“Now Dr. Pootis will have vengeance on world!”

Dr. Pootis laughed sinisterly.

“So… you broke some guy out of prison… for what reason?”

“To deal with the BattleToads.” EM64 sighed. “Look, Bowser, I thought you’d get it by now.”

“Well… what’s this plan you say you have? Because I’ve got nothin’. After what happened two weeks ago, I… don’t know about this partnership.”

EM64 seethed internally, but did his best to maintain his composure. “Bowser… listen. I have a plan. I always do. I just need you to trust me.”

“Then let me in on it,” the Koopa King growled. “I deserve to know. I don’t wanna deal with another Ztar.”

“Yes, yes, I know.” He rubbed his temple. “Neither do I.”

After a moment, EM64 sighed. “Fine. The plan is… well…”

“You don’t have a plan, do you?”

“Of course I do! It’s just saying it aloud now sounds kinda stupid.”

“You created a godlike Power Star from a Toad and a Mario lookalike. It won’t be too outlandish.”

EM64 grinned. “Alright, then. So, I was thinking we could make the castle fly…”

“...Aight, I’m bored.” Barrage jumped up. “Imma go find Pootis and beat his face in.”

“Barrage…”

“Ugh, what ?” He whipped around to face Bravo. “He’s out there somewhere, planning God knows what! We gotta find ‘im and smash ‘im!”

“And that’s what Babeh is trying to do!”

Babeh looked up from his laptop. “Will you keep it down? Trying to surf the police channels here.”

“Oh, I’m so drunk I can barely see–”