Chapter Text
Sun stared at the ceiling, crochet hooks tossed to the side, abandoned among skeins of yarn as he lay stretched out on his bed. He was pretty sure he was home alone, that Moon was still at work. Which, even if Moon was home, it would feel like he was alone. Alex had not lived with them, but the house had seemed so empty since she had died.
Moon had been empty since she had died.
Then again, though, they all had. Bonnie had become a shell, even more than he already was by then, and Sun knew that he was purely continuing on for her- well, his, now- son. Sun hated that he still knew from the way Bonnie was breathing if he was having a nightmare, hated that he knew without asking if Gregory had had nightmares by grim expressions on Bonnie’s face and worn ones on Gregory’s.
He hadn’t bothered putting his headphones on, so music played quietly through his phone on the playlist he’d carefully crafted since high school, full of songs for every possible mood. If he kept skipping any of the more positive and upbeat ones, however, there was no one around to catch him.
Rolling onto his side, he reached for his phone, skipping A Match Into Water when he heard the familiar opening chords. He hadn’t listened to the song in over two years, and still hadn’t even though Freddy was back.
They’d seen each other, but Freddy never met his eyes no matter how hard Sun tried. Freddy tended to avoid meeting his gaze as much as possible, which was probably for the best but still hurt all the same. The few times he did catch the other man’s eye, a look of pure pain would cross Freddy’s face before slipping back behind the mask that Sun always, always saw right through.
So Sun had stopped trying.
Constantly torn between wanting Freddy to let him in and resenting him for abandoning him just like so many others had, Sun had shut down, withdrawn as much as he could get away with without Bonnie and Moon catching on, and tried to pretend that he was okay. He never shut Bonnie down whenever he did open up to him about Freddy, and he especially hadn’t pushed him away when he and Moon were fighting.
While he was close to Bonnie, Moon had been his friend first. Even Alex, who had met all three of them the same day, was truly Bonnie’s twin flame, his best friend. Although meeting Freddy was solely because of the fact that he was Bonnie’s boyfriend, eventually their roommate, it was the first and only time Sun could say he had a best friend that was purely his. Freddy and Moon had gotten along, but it was different than the way Freddy would sit with him on the kitchen floor and drink hot chocolate when everyone was asleep, or quietly confide in him things that he wasn’t brave enough to tell Bonnie. Sun had shared secrets of his own, and Freddy was the only one aside from his brothers who hadn’t run away in response. He trusted him, and the feelings were reciprocated–
At least, he thought they were.
Then Freddy vanished without a word, and Sun had to hide his own broken heart from a destroyed Bonnie.
Dragging himself from his thoughts before they could continue to spiral, Sun focused on the music again, feeling his stomach drop when he registered what song it was. His finger hovered over the skip button, but he couldn’t bring himself to change it. He used to listen to the song on repeat, especially when he was feeling particularly low, usually on repeat. He hadn’t done it in so long, hadn’t allowed himself to. Almost automatically, he hit the button to make sure it would play again on a loop, feeling his chest heave as his breathing hitched.
“So hear my voice remind you not to bleed, I’m here-”
A memory consumed him before he fully realized what was happening.
“Hey…” Freddy hovered in the doorway, gently nudging it open with his foot, “You’ve been playing that song on loop for almost an hour. You okay?” Sun lifted his head, confusion and guilt sinking in as he realized he hadn’t been home alone like he’d thought.
“I did not know you were home,” Sun mumbled, “Sorry. I can put my headphones-” He reached for them, but Freddy shook his head, slipping into the room and gently closing the door behind him.
“Why are you crying?” Freddy asked softly, slow about his approach as he walked towards the bed. He waited until Sun shifted over to make room, a signal that it was okay, before stretching out beside him.
“Just…” Sun picked at a loose thread on the blanket he was making, rolling towards him a little. “Sometimes I hate how different I am from everyone else. I get too nervous, too shy, too…” He swallowed, closing his eyes, “It gets overwhelming. And I just…I feel alone,” he whispered, “I am so, so very tired of feeling alone.” He refused to open his eyes again, to look at Freddy. His best friend didn’t say anything right away, but Sun felt him shift a little closer. “I know I am not actually alone, but sometimes-”
“No,” Freddy said softly, “No, I understand.” Sun knew he meant it, and for some reason that made the tears spill faster, “Sometimes even when you’re surrounded by people who love you and want to help you, it doesn’t make the bad things go away or feel any less overwhelming. It’s nice to know they’re there, but it doesn’t make the way you feel any less valid, or real.” Freddy’s pinky brushed his arm, and Sun moved closer until they were touching, his head against Freddy’s shoulder as his fingers closed around Freddy’s wrist. Freddy leaned his head against his.
“I know, but sometimes I feel so fucking stupid,” A sob caught in Sun’s throat, “I just…I want it to stop.” He felt Freddy tense, turning towards him a little more, “I…I do not want to get bad again.”
“I won’t let that happen,” Despite how firm the words were, Freddy’s voice was gentle. “You aren’t in this alone. I’m right here with you.” Sun gripped his wrist tighter, trying to hold the tears back.
“I do not want to worry them, or you-”
“I’ve been worried for days, Sunny,” Freddy confessed, “You’re my best friend,” Sun released his wrist to clamp his hand over his mouth, muffling another sob. “You don’t have to be okay, you don’t have to pretend-” Freddy’s voice cracked, “You don’t have to fake it, but don’t shut me out, okay?” Sun managed a nod, curling a little closer to him, wanting comfort but not knowing how to ask-
Freddy seemed to understand, and Sun found himself being hugged, not in the most comfortable of ways but he sank into it all the same, unable to hold the tears back anymore. Freddy held him through it, gently rubbing his back how Bonnie would, not caring when Sun left tear stains all over his shirt or when he inevitably crashed once the breakdown was over. When he woke up, Freddy was still there, sprawled on his back and the arm that wasn’t being held onto by Sun was thrown over his face.
He was the first person besides his brothers to ever stay.
Sun blinked as his door opened, but instead of Freddy, it was Moon who peeked in to check on him.
“Hey, I’m- Sunny?” The switch that was usually reserved for himself and Bonnie seemed to flip as Moon approached the bed, not bothering to close the door. “Hey…hey…” Moon’s touch was gentle as he sat down on the edge of the bed, carefully moving Sun’s project out of the way with practiced ease. “What’s wrong?”
I miss him. I miss my best friend, and it hurts, it hurts because I feel so alone, and I am so tired of being left-
I just want someone to stay, I want someone to care about me the way I am and not fucking abandon me-
I just want to be loved, in general, I want someone besides you and Bonnie to love me. Alex did, but she’s gone, and I miss her but I cannot talk about her and I-
I do not want to be alone anymore.
Whatever that fucking means for me.
Instead of saying any of that, Sun shook his head, reaching up to try to wipe away his tears. “S-Sorry-”
“No, no,” Moon softened, toeing his shoes off before curling up on the bed beside him, “Don’t be. Did something happen?” Sun shook his head again, rolling to face his twin as he curled in on himself. Moon’s brow furrowed, and he knew that his twin didn’t believe him, but that didn’t surprise him either. “Just don’t wanna talk about it?” Sun nodded, because he would at least admit that much, and Moon slowly curled an arm around his shoulders, tugging him towards him.
“‘M okay, I-” Sun protested, his voice breaking as his twin wrapped himself around him in a way he hadn’t in a while, “I-”
“No, you’re not,” Moon whispered, “You don’t have to be strong for me all the time, Sunny. You’re my baby brother, I can be here for you, too.” Sun lost it, similar in the way he had in his memory, the song still quietly playing in the background. “Oh, Sunny…” Moon’s fingers began to card through his hair, “You don’t have to pretend for Bonnie and I, you know that.”
Instead of bringing him comfort the way the words normally did, they just managed to make him cry harder.
XxX
When Sun woke up, Moon was still with him. His twin was asleep, Sun knew from the way he was breathing, his arm firmly in Sun’s grasp. Pushing himself into a sitting position, Sun hiccuped quietly, using his sleeve to try to remove remnants of tear stains on his cheek. Moon stirred, but didn’t wake up, instead simply tossing his head to the side. Sun studied his face carefully; he could see the shadows beneath his eyes, not as dark as the ones beneath Bonnie’s, but getting there. Frowning, released Moon’s arm from his grasp, carefully shuffling to the end of the bed to shrug off Alex’s-
Fuck… it is mine now.
He shrugged the hoodie off, carefully balling it up and putting it back among his pillows. I hope it did not upset him to see me wearing it…I forgot I had it on.
The t-shirt he was wearing was one he’d stolen from Bonnie years ago, and he stood up, shuffling to the bathroom as quietly as he could. He had no idea what time it was, he kept black out curtains over his windows, but he couldn’t see any light peeking out of Moon’s room. He flicked the bathroom light on, wincing when the light that was much brighter than his fairy lights hit his eyes.
He caught his reflection in the mirror.
Shit.
With a grimace, he reached for a wash cloth, carefully wiping away tear stains, trying to erase all the evidence of his breakdown. He laid it on the counter to take with him before going about his business. Once his hands were washed, he scooped up the cloth, padding quietly back down the hallway to his room.
Moon hadn’t moved, so Sun carefully climbed back over him once he’d tossed the cloth in his laundry basket. Facing the wall, he curled an arm around the penguin squishmallow that he’d tucked behind a haphazard combination of blanket and pillows. It didn’t smell like Alex anymore, but it was comforting all the same. He felt Moon shift closer, and wasn’t surprised when Moon ended up back to back with him.
It was familiar, and it was safe. His head ached, and his face was puffy from crying, but as he reached back, he found Moon’s hand already waiting for his.
“”M here, little brother,” Moon mumbled sleepily, ‘S’okay, go back to sleep.”
Sun closed his eyes, and soon after a blanket had been tossed over him with Moon’s fingers curling around his, he drifted.
XxX
Sun hadn’t realized it was Halloween until he woke up to a text from Bonnie.
B: Should be there around 7…trick or treating starts at 5, and there’s only so many houses to go to. Greg convinced me to dress up with him and I have a feeling I’m going to regret this life choice, but damn is he going to be a cute baby bat.
S: The cutest baby bat!! Send pictures, please. Also, you will look fine. You used to dress up with Freddy before.
In hindsight, that was the wrong thing to say.
B: Yeah. I know.
Shit.
S: I
S: Sorry. I should not have brought that up.
B: No, it’s fine. I’ll see you tonight.
I am so tired of people telling me things are fine when they are not.
Instead of replying, Sun left it be.
There was no point in arguing with Bonnie when he got like this.
He’d learned that a long time ago.
Sun was weary of Moon’s new ‘best friend’, not just because the older boy was gorgeous, but because he was so…
Intense?
That seemed like a good word.
“Relax, Sunny, you’ll like him, I promise,” His twin reassured him, lightly patting his arm. Sun didn’t respond as he curled his arms around his middle.
“Will I?” Sun didn’t mean to ask out loud, but from the look his brother gave him, it’d come out more aggressive than he’d intended.
“Look, he’s not going to bite you. Well, he might, I don’t know, you’d have to ask,” Moon shrugged. Sun’s expression didn’t change, and Moon sighed before looping an arm around his shoulders. “Listen, his parents…they kind of suck. I said he could come crash here for the weekend to get away, but if he’s too much for you to handle I’ll figure something out.”
“I am sure he is nice enough,” Sun said quietly, “I just get nervous.” Moon softened, rubbing his shoulder gently.
“No, I know. It’s okay,” Moon reached to ruffle his hair before unwinding himself from around him, getting to his feet.
When Bonnie arrived a few hours later, backpack slung over his shoulder, he’d looked as nervous as Sun felt.
Maybe this won’t be so bad…
“Hey!” Moon brightened as he reached to pull Bonnie inside. “Come on, Mom ordered pizza.”
“Okay,” Bonnie said quietly, seeming more subdued than usual. While Bonnie wasn’t necessarily loud by any means, he tended to wear his emotions on his sleeve.
Only now, he was almost unreadable.
Sun didn’t really like it, but it wasn’t out of distaste for his brother’s friend.
It was…concern?
Moon didn’t comment on it, so Sun didn’t either as he trailed after them. Bonnie did murmur a soft hello to him, which after a moment he managed to return. A flicker of a smile appeared briefly before it was gone, and then Bonnie closed himself off once again.
Sun tried not to make it obvious that he was paying attention, because people usually didn’t like it when he did that. However, it seemed that Bonnie wasn’t noticing much of anything. If Moon realized it, he didn’t let on. Bonnie quietly greeted their mother in the same manner he’d greeted Sun, seeming confused for a moment when she sat down to eat with them, but not pressing.
Something else to file away for later.
It wasn’t until much, much later, when the three of them were sprawled in the living room watching movies. Moon had fallen asleep on one end of the couch, while Bonnie had curled up on the other. Sun had taken the recliner for himself, curling up in it as he half watched the movie, using the light from the tv to twist yarn around the crochet hooks. He thought Bonnie had crashed, too, until he heard a quiet sniffle from the couch beside him.
Glancing over, he was confused to see silent tears running down Bonnie’s face, though his eyes were closed. Bonnie curled up further, tugging the blanket around himself a bit more.
He might have been Moon’s friend, but that didn’t mean that Sun wanted to see him cry either.
“Are you…are you okay?” Sun whispered. Bonnie tensed up before quickly shaking his head.
“Nothing, the movie’s just sad,” Bonnie mumbled. They were watching a movie that Sun didn’t recognize, but from what he’d been paying attention to, it wasn’t that sad.
“Oh,” Sun said quietly, “I was not really watching it…Why is it sad?” Bonnie seemed thrown off by his question.
“I…um…” Bonnie sat up a bit to look over at him, reaching up to wipe at his face with the back of his hand. “I don’t know, it just is.” It came out snarky, and Sun winced a little. While he was used to his brother getting like that sometimes, he much preferred people to just leave him alone rather than snap at him.
“Okay, sorry,” Sun muttered, turning his attention back to his crocheting.
“What are you working on?” Bonnie asked after a few moments. His voice was much gentler now, and it was likely an attempt at a peace offering, but Sun wasn’t really sure he wanted it.
“A bee,” Sun finally replied.
“Why?” While Bonnie sounded genuinely curious, Sun didn’t really feel like sharing anymore.
“I don’t know,” Sun glanced over at him. A flicker of hurt crossed Bonnie’s expression before vanishing again. Immediately, Sun felt bad, an apology already on his lips.
“Fine, touche, or whatever,” Bonnie said darkly.
“Sorry,” Sun whispered, “I-”
“It’s fine,” Bonnie muttered.
“It does not sound-”
“I said it’s fine,” Bonnie hissed. Sun clamped his mouth shut, ignoring the hot stinging in his eyes. They sat in a stony silence until the movie was over, and long after that, too, before Bonnie finally spoke again.
“I’m sorry,” Bonnie whispered, “You didn’t really deserve for me to snap at you like that. I kind of deserved for you to shut me out right back.” Sun didn’t say anything, but he stopped what he was doing as he listened. “I don’t really go to people’s houses that much, but when Moon asked me to come, it felt shitty if I said no. I just…I’m not used to…all this.” Sun waited to see if he’d say anything else, but when he didn’t, Sun finally spoke up.
“It…It is fine,” Sun kept his voice just as quiet, “You do not have to tell me anything you do not wish to.”
“I know, but I didn’t have to be a dick about it,” Bonnie sighed. “Besides, you’re my best friend’s little brother, I should be-”
“He is only older than me by a minute!” Sun huffed automatically. Bonnie blinked in surprise, before a soft giggle fell from his lips that made Sun smile before he realized he was doing it.
“A whole ass minute,” Bonnie teased gently, “meanwhile, I’m older than you both. Nerds, skipping a grade and all that.” Sun stuck his tongue out at him, making Bonnie laugh again. Things felt lighter between them now, and Bonnie shifted a little closer to the end of the couch, propping himself against the arm. “Hey…”
“Hm?”
“Do you mind shifting your bee around a little? So I can see?” Bonnie asked sheepishly, “I like watching Louisa crochet. It calms me down.”
“Oh,” Sun blinked before shifting his project onto the arm of the chair, “Sure.”
“Thanks.” There was silence for a moment, “Louisa is my…housekeeper,” Bonnie said the last part rather uncomfortably, “I don’t really see her that way though. She takes care of me.” Oh.
This is what Moon meant.
Oh no, no wonder he…
“It calms me down to do it,” Sun admitted after a moment, “I have trouble…talking to people. I can read people, but I have…trouble communicating effectively.” He winced at his wording, but Bonnie took it in stride.
“Don’t we all have trouble communicating from time to time?” Sun glanced over at him, and was met with a more gentle, open expression this time. “I was a dick to you all because you asked me why I was crying. That isn’t really you having trouble communicating, that’s me being a jackass because I don’t like talking about my feelings.” Sun mulled his statements over for a moment before silently nodding in response. “The point is…” Bonnie picked at a loose thread on the blanket over his lap, “I know I’m Moony’s friend, but I…I really wanna be your friend, too, if that’s okay. You’re…You’re easy to talk to.”
“I am?” Sun felt a warmth spread through his chest, “I…A friend would be nice,” Sun whispered, “Moony has some other friends who have tried, but…they do not really seem to like me much.”
“Well, fuck that,” Bonnie huffed, “ I like you.” The warmth again, and Sun found himself offering Bonnie a hesitant smile.
“Okay,” Sun whispered, “Friends then.”
Blinking slowly, Sunny glanced over at his nightstand, where a similar bee to the one he’d been working on sat beside his lamp.
He’d given the original one to Bonnie.
As if on cue, his phone lit up with another text.
B: Not mad. We’re okay.
S: Still sorry.
B: I know. It’s okay. Still love you.
S: Love you too.
Sun didn’t bother to hold back his sigh of relief.
XxX
Sun wrinkled his nose as he held the mask up to his face, glancing at his reflection. His twin joined him, his own mask already in place.
“Why do I have to wear the creepy one?” Sun asked, glancing over at him. “The smile on yours at least looks friendly .”
“Well that’s the irony, isn’t it?” Moon asked, tilting his head at him, “You’re the nice one, and I’m not. Makes it funnier if you wear that one instead.”
“Or I could just not ,” Sun grumbled, but he put the mask on properly all the same. “Chica was going to dress Bonnie up as a bunny.”
“Oh fuck yeah,” Moon grinned, and for the first time in a while it reached his eyes. “I hope she gets photos.”
“I insisted she take some of him with Gregory, you know he will not refuse that,” Sun offered Moon a tentative smile, taking care when choosing his words. I do not want to be the reason he stops smiling.
I already did that to Bonnie today…
“Hey,” Moon lightly tapped his wrist, getting his attention, “Why the sad face? If you really hate it that much, we can trade-”
“No, no,” Sun mumbled, “I do not mind, really. I am just…being dramatic,” Sun tried to force a convincing expression, but Moon clearly wasn’t buying it.
“Sunny.”
“Moony,” Sun responded, tearing his gaze away. “I am fine. ”
“That’s what Bonnie says, and how often is he telling the truth?” Moon shot back.
“Are you any better?” Sun snapped before he could stop himself. Hurt flickered across Moon’s face, and Sun regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. It is true, but still. I should not have…
Fuck.
“Not really,” Moon muttered, turning to leave the bathroom, “Let me know when you’re ready to go.”
“Moony,” Sun heard the panic in his own voice. “I-”
“No, no, I know,” Moon’s voice sounded wrong, though, like it had dulled somehow. No no no.
I fucked up again, I did not mean to.
I never mean to.
It felt like his throat was closing up again, and his eyes burned. He’d been doing so well, with not getting anxious or panicking, and now it seemed to happen to him almost constantly. He tried to hide it as best as he could, but sometimes he couldn’t.
The roaring in his ears was getting loud again, his heartbeat too loud in his head for him to handle. He grasped uselessly at the porcelain counter, the mask falling from his hand and almost into the sink. His hands were shaking, but he stepped back, away from his twin as he tried to force himself to calm down.
No, no no-
Fine, I am fine-
Safe, I am safe. I am-
“-safe,” Moon’s voice now. Moon wasn’t touching him, but the exit to the hallway was clear, and Moon was still in the room. “You’re safe.” His pinky was close for Sun to touch if he wanted to, and Sun automatically curled his around it, closing his eyes as he tried to catch his breath. His apologies went ignored, but Moon didn’t leave him.
I am so damn good at fucking everything up today.
XxX
The mask was getting in his fucking way. Sun tossed it down on the counter, running a hand through his hair as he turned to dig out shoes for everyone. He didn’t know where Moon was, but he could hear the others talking as they approached the counter. It wouldn’t pick up for another hour or two yet; Sun enjoyed the late night event Bonnie did each year for Halloween. He could watch from the safety of the counter and still be amused by the antics. Bonnie always blossomed when the alley was at its fullest, even if it meant risking Gregory getting underfoot because they were busy. Bonnie took it all in stride, and half the time people found Gregory tagging along behind him all the more endearing.
Sun couldn’t really blame anyone for it. Bonnie was a good dad, anyone could see it. Well, everyone does except for Bonnie.
“Here, let me help,” Bonnie said, joining him behind the counter.
“I got it, go hang out with them,” Sun said, trying to wave him away. He tossed a pair of shoes on the counter for Chica, guessing at her size. If it was wrong, he could just grab her a new pair.
“I can spare a few minutes to help you,” Bonnie scoffed, ignoring Sun’s attempt to literally push him back out. Freddy laughed softly from across the counter, and as Sun turned to look, Freddy was looking at Bonnie with a fond expression. Bonnie didn’t seem to notice, putting a pair of shoes likely for the man in question on the counter in front of him. Freddy caught Sun looking at him, and they stared at each other briefly.
The first time Freddy had come to the alley after returning home, his hand clasped with Bonnie’s as they had stared him down, Sun hadn’t known what to think or what to do. He started out talking to Freddy like he would any other customer, because it was Bonnie’s business, really, what he did with Freddy, Sun kept a wall up, but it was almost natural when Freddy did a little dance while he was poorly attempting to bowl for Sun to laugh at his antics. Freddy had turned to grin at him, and for a moment it was like nothing had changed.
Then their smiles had faded, and Bonnie and Freddy had ended up fighting just outside of the office, likely unaware that Sun had heard every word.
The handful of times they’d seen each other since had been awkward, and most of it was spent avoiding each other’s gaze.
Which meant, like all those times, Sun forced himself to look away from his former best friend, turning instead when he heard someone quietly clear their throat from across the counter. Sun naturally followed the sound, ready to come up with some sort of greeting for whoever was standing there.
Before he could say a word, Sun was met with gorgeous, dark green eyes that seemed to have a hold on him as soon as he looked up.
Those eyes were attached to the most beautiful man Sun had ever seen.