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Language:
English
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Published:
2022-12-06
Completed:
2023-06-05
Words:
1,514
Chapters:
3/3
Comments:
55
Kudos:
1,212
Bookmarks:
84
Hits:
12,051

To Sting or Be Stung

Summary:

“…Procreate.”

“Y-yeah, y’know—the birds and the bees?”

“Are—are you messing with me? What do birds and bees have to do children?”

 

OR:
Bowser and Luigi discuss their differences.

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

“Shouldn’t your brother be here by now?” The large dragon paced just outside the bars of Luigi’s cell, frustration clearly eating at him. Not that Luigi could blame him, he felt the very same anger burning in the back of his mind.

The bigger man, nonplussed by the lack of response, continued, “Shouldn’t family be there for each other? If my son was in your position I’d burn down entire kingdoms to get him back!”

Luigi opened his mouth and immediately stuck his own foot in it by saying, “You… have a son?” 

“Is that surprising to you?” The dragon/man/turtle(?) quirked an eyebrow at him, daring Luigi to speak out of turn.

Luigi tried to back-track, “Oh no! …Maybe a little? Not—ahem, not for the reason you’re expecting.”

Bowser stopped his pacing outside the cell to turn to him. Slowly. Dangerous. “And what,” Bowser practically seethed, “would that reason be?”

“Well!” Honesty is the best policy, isn’t it? Surely this won’t dig him an even bigger hole. “None of you wear any clothes and…”

“Spit it out, little man.” And wow he’s clearly a dragon he’s breathing FIRE—

“I’m just surprised you can… procreate.” The bigger hole has been dug and, Luigi realized, it was his grave all along.

To Luigi’s surprise, he doesn’t immediately get fried to a crisp and is instead met with a rather frozen and confused expression.

“…Procreate.”

“Y-yeah, y’know—the birds and the bees?” 

“Are—are you messing with me? What do birds and bees have to do children?” Not good, stop angering the fire-breathing turtle, Luigi.

Curiosity got the better of him, though, and he couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Wait, how do you all make children?”

“Through magic, duh! What other method is there?”

Oh. Oh. That makes a lot sense actually. From the whole ‘no privates’ thing to Bowser’s confusion. Luigi probably should’ve guessed that, then he could’ve avoided this entire conversation.

“HEY GREENIE!” Luigi practically jumped out of his skin, pulled roughly from his musings. “Stop thinking so loudly, I can practically hear the pathetic grinding of rusted gears.” Rude.

“Your kind must do it differently, huh?” His surprise at the other’s deduction must’ve shown on his face because Bowser then scoffed, “Oh please. I’m not an idiot.” Council’s still out on that one, Luigi thought and decidedly did not say. 

“Well? Spill.”

Luigi felt himself flush, “It’s not exactly an appropriate discussion topic!”

He was met with an unimpressed eyebrow raise, “I can still burn you alive, y’know.”

Which. Okay. Fair.

Luigi stammered and fumbled his way through an explanation he thought he would never have to give. Surprisingly, Bowser listened patiently, only ever interrupting to ask a question on a topic he needed clarification on. 

“…And well, yeah. That’s about all there is to it,” Luigi concluded.

Bowser looked lost in thought, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed, “So all humans have these… parts?”

“Pretty much. Unless they were born without them or had to have them removed for whatever reason.”

“So the birds and the bees,” Bowser’s eyes widened in realization.

“Is a metaphor, yes. The bee would, uhm, sting the bird.” Luigi was sure his face stayed some shade of red throughout this entire conversation. 

Bowser seemed to mull this over, “How can you tell who has what?”

“You ask,” Luigi oversimplified.

“So— what are you? A bird or a bee?”

Luigi felt himself flush even redder, if that was possible, “I am NOT telling you that!”

The dragon only huffed a laugh, amused at Luigi’s chagrin, “You said to ask!”

“That doesn’t mean they have to answer! I told you earlier that it’s not an appropriate discussion topic!”

The king only smiled wider,

“Then show me.”

Chapter 2

Summary:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS HERE’S A GIFT

Notes:

The reception this fic has gotten is insane to me, thank you all for your comments and kudos. So, a couple things:

1.) LUIGI IS TRANS (because I’m trans and I said so). If you don’t like it, feel free to complain into the void, because I will not be listening.

2.) I am an asexual virgin. I think I’m doing a good job with this, but how would I know?

3.) This might be a little out of character, I’m basing their personalities on the movie trailer. (Jack Black if you’re reading this I’m in love with you.)

4.) I’M SO SORRY but I had to split this into three chapters. The good stuff is coming soon, I swear it.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“Then show me.”

Getting over his initial shock, Luigi floundered. Then, having floundered the appropriate amount, had weighed his options. It had been awhile since he’d last gotten laid…

This is a bad idea. This is an ASTRONOMICALLY BAD idea.

“Okay,” Luigi agreed, “but not here. Somewhere more comfortable.”

Somewhere more comfortable apparently meant the king’s personal quarters. The room was bigger than the entirety of his and Mario’s apartment (not that that’s saying much, they lived in Brooklyn). It was somehow lavish and terrifying at the same time, but hey, at least it’s better than the cell.

Shaking from anticipation and nerves, Luigi began unbuckling his overalls. Or tried to, at least. He could barely coordinate his fingers. 

To his surprise, gentle hands stopped him, “Hey,” The Koopa King looked apprehensive himself, “You know you don’t have to do this, right? I’m not— making you… right?” 

Oh. “Oh! No, that’s not— don’t worry. I want to do this,” His nerves probably threw him off, he should reassure him somehow, “Do you think you could help me undress?”

Bowser looked, to put it simply, absolutely flummoxed at this. Flustered, he started, “I don’t— How…?”

Luigi smiled warmly and guided the giant’s hands under his shaking ones, “Here, like this.”

After a few minutes of finagling with straps, buckles, and zippers, Luigi was finally standing in his boxers. Here comes the hard part.

He opened his mouth to spew another cobbled-together explanation before the look on Bowser’s face stopped him entirely. He was staring, wide-eyed, at the scars on his chest. 

“Beautiful,” Bowser breathed, reverent, “You have the marks of a warrior.”

“I,” Here goes nothing, “was born… different. I was supposed to be born a—,” He cringed, “…bee, but the universe had other plans. I’m doing what I can to,” Luigi touched a hand to his scars, “rectify that.”

Bowser seemed to process this for a moment before looking back into Luigi’s eyes. “I don’t take back what I said. You are a warrior, just for different reasons.”

Tears formed in Luigi’s eyes on their own volition and he had to look to the ceiling to stop them from steaming down his face. 

Bowser reached out and wrapped a large hand around his midsection, “I would like to keep going, if you’ll have me.”

“I want to try.”

Luigi was just in the middle of giving the king a demonstration of human procreation. It was going so well, too. Luigi thought to himself disappointedly as he stilled his fingers. Still, neither of them were really satisfied with just voyeurism.

He suppressed a shudder at the thought of Bowser’s nails anywhere near his sensitive bits, “…I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”

The clawed, eleven-foot, fire-breathing dragon had the gall to look offended at this, “I’d be gentle!”

“I don’t doubt that,” Luigi rushed out, it was even true, “But humans are— fragile.”

The king didn’t seem to have a rebuttal and actually seemed disappointed. Sad, even. And oh god this is a bad idea.

Luigi sighed, hoping this wouldn’t bite him in the ass, “There is a way…”

Notes:

Any hateful comments (that are not jokes/genuine criticisms) will be deleted as I giggle and swirl a glass of wine like a supervillain.

Chapter 3

Summary:

…hey guys… long time no see? *i dodge several objects hurled in my direction.*

I’m still asexual, so keep your expectations at a healthy minimum.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Hah… Fuck—!”

Luigi arched his back up as far as he could with his legs caught in Bowser’s hands. That tongue… Luigi thought as he squeezed his eyes shut against the tears fighting to escape.

It had taken awhile for Bowser to get the hang of it, but goddamn was the trial period worth it. His forked tongue plunged in and out at an even pace, not so much focused on speed but on Luigi’s reactions. 

Luigi blinked his eyes open as Bowser’s tongue left him abruptly, only to shut them again when Boswer chose to focus his attentions to his clit instead. Passing over it one, two, three times. The slick heat had him arching and gasping, the tears finally escaping his eyes.

To Luigi’s immediate dissatisfaction, Bowser stopped at the sight of his tears.

“What’s wrong?! What—?”

”It’s fine!” Luigi interrupted, “It’s just something that happens, keep going! Please!” 

At this, a devilish grin slowly split across Bowser’s face. 

“Y’know,” the Koopa King began, “You’re just adorable when you beg.”

Luigi groaned and hid his face behind his hands, embarrassment eating away at him. However, the humiliation only made the heat in his gut stir even more.

There was no warning as Bowser suddenly sank the full length of his tongue back inside him. Luigi yelped, clenching his eyes shut at the sudden intrusion. Luckily, the pathway was already slick due to the Koopa King’s earlier ministrations. 

Undeterred, Boswer doubled his efforts, almost fighting to pull the same noises out of him that he was letting out before the small break. Luigi blinked his eyes open, making eye contact with Bowser’s fiery gaze as he watched his expression eagerly, hungrily.

The look in Bowser’s eyes was enough to send Luigi over the edge, his eyes rolling back, careening into the abyss. For a long moment, he only floated, not a thought or care in the world. Suddenly more tired than he’s ever been. 

Luigi was vaguely aware of his body being maneuvered, a soft towel and cold water cleaning him, before being set onto the plush covers once more. 

A claw caressed Luigi’s face, “Perfect,” a voice sounded out.

Eyes shut, he let the darkness take him and knew no more.

Notes:

*family guy death pose* THIS WAS SO HARD I AM NEVER WRITING ANYTHING EVER AGAIN (lying)

Anyway— *inconspicuously jingles cup labeled “COMMENTS PLS” in red crayon.*