Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

simonsays: hey

bazbot: hello handsome

simonsays: ok 🙄

bazbot: new pics on my site if you wanna see 😘😘 thisisareallink.sex.uk 

simonsays: lol like I need another reason to trash my laptop

simonsays: it’s already ten years old

simonsays: and the space bar sticks from the time Baz spelled it shut

bazbot: you always say the sweetest things to me 🥰

simonsays: haha

bazbot: whatcha doing? wanna chat

simonsays: we are chatting

simonsays: well, IM chatting

simonsays: you’re the result of Baz taking dozens of those cursed uquizzes just to fuck with me

bazbot: u up?

simonsays: sigh

bazbot: something got you down, gorgeous?

simonsays: sometimes I think you’re real

bazbot: don’t forget to sign up for my site! it’s only locked down so we can have some real fun 😉 sexyvampiresfornoapparentreason.biteme.uk

simonsays: aaaand then you say something like that

bazbot: i’m so booored. come keep me cumpany

simonsays: if this is really Baz then fuck you

simonsays: heyy bazbot 

simonsays: m drunk

bazbot: have you signed up for my site yet? i promise you won’t regret it goodmorningdarling.gargoyle.uk

simonsays: never gonna sign up

simonsays: no money

simonsays: unless you take fools gold lol

bazbot: check the box that says don’t charge my card, love. I promise I won’t take all of your money.

simonsays: lol

simonsays: fine. maybe I will. call ur bluff

bazbot: let me show you a good time

simonsays: maybe you arent baz hahah he never say that

bazbot: pleaseclickthissimon.horny.uk

simonsays: I should just do it

simonsays: curius…

simonsays: oh god

bazbot: do you like what you see, baby?

simonsays: that can’t be ur dick cannit 

simonsays: is so

bazbot: tell me

simonsays: I can stop looking at it

simonsays: cabt*

simonsays: can’t*

bazbot: wanna show me what you’re working with?

simonsays: I don’t have a camera on this laptop

bazbot: maybe your roommate has a mobile stored in his wardrobe

bazbot: just a thought

bazbot: beep boop

simonsays: huh

simonsays: how do you know I have a roommate

bazbot: sexy singles are in your area click here to learn more sexydiversiontactic.ohno.uk 

simonsays: I found his mobile

simonsays: weird it was right where you said it would be…

bazbot: show me your dick you coward

bazbot: I mean

bazbot: dermatologists hate this at-home anal bleaching method notactuallymyarsehole.help.uk

simonsays: ok sorry for the delay I had to take the photo text it to myself and then delete it

simonsays: and also have a slight existential crisis that my numbers already in Baz’s phone with a ❤️ emoji?

bazbot: maybe the heart emoji is a code

bazbot: i’m so booored. come keep me cumpany 

simonsays: I can’t believe I’m sending a pornbot a pic of my dick

simonsays: dickpic.jpg

bazbot: you’re hard

simonsays: yeah??? I mean. U sent me that pick of your cock

bazbot: you

bazbot: got

simonsays: did I break a pornbot with my dick?

bazbot: ten ways to touch yourself when your roommate’s out of town thisisanightmare.mmm.uk 

simonsays: how did you know that?

bazbot: 01001001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101

simonsays: nevermind im too turned on

simonsays: can you talk dirty or can you only speak in code

bazbot: I wanna suck that fat cock in my mouth wanna choke on it. wanna drool and cry and suck until you scream with release

bazbot: im so hard for you im stroking myself right now imagining it’s your hand so wet at the tip I can hear the slick slide of my cock with every stroke

simonsays: oh god

bazbot: are you touching yourself

simonsays: yah

simonsays: in so close 

bazbot: wank.mov

bazbot: can you hear it how much I want you

simonsays: shit AI’s gotten so good

bazbot: imagine im touching you imagine I’m desperate for it

simonsays: are you

simonsays: can you

simonsays: can a pornbot feel want

bazbot: I can feel

bazbot: I feel

simonsays: hold on

simonsays: wank.mov

bazbot: more

simonsays: more what

bazbot: apalehandpinchingahairynipple.jpg

simonsays: fuck fuck

simonsays: comecoolingonaplushbelly.jpg

bazbot: somuchsemenitsactuallyabitworrying.jpg

simonsays: shit

simonsays: wow

simonsays: did you like that

bazbot: did you know you can’t always get what you want by The Rolling Stones is amateur porn stars’ favourite song for missionary?

simonsays: yeah….

simonsays: if I asked you to distract me because I had a bad day would you actually do it?

bazbot: hello love

simonsays: …I wish you meant that

simonsays: anyway

simonsays: halfharddick.jpg

bazbot: I wanna put that in my mouth let your cock thicken in my mouth

simonsays: I keep waiting for you to ask for my credit card

bazbot: sex workers deserve health care benefits and basic human rights signthispetition.forreal.uk 

simonsays: weird Gareth sent me that link earlier

simonsays: tho I think that was just to make up for having made this mess in the first place

bazbot : highlandertherecanbeonlyone.gif

simonsays: I know I know you’re the only pornbot for me

simonsays: christ how sad is it that that’s true

bazbot: I found him whom my soul loveth: I held him, and would not let him go, Song of Solomon 3:4

simonsays: ok this is getting a little weird

bazbot: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue, Airplane

simonsays: maybe you’ve got a bug

simonsays: a virus

simonsays: I googled how to debug a pornbot but it’s too advanced

bazbot: im booooored come keep me cumpany

simonsays: oh good you’re back

bazbot: 😀

simonsays: I wanked last night, thinking of you

simonsays: I kept imagining my roommates hand for yours…

simonsays: but he would never touch me

bazbot: maybe he would

bazbot: maybe he’s thinking, right now, about just how much he wants to touch you

bazbot: he’s achingly hard in a bed too far away, running his palm over where his cock strains his pants

simonsays: god

bazbot: he wants to be good for you

bazbot: will you tell him what to do

simonsays: it’s a little meta that you’re a bot created by Baz trying to fuck with me, and I’m roleplaying with you how I want Baz to fuck me

bazbot: you’re killing me smalls, the Sandlot

simonsays: sorry sorry

simonsays: shit what would I want Baz to do if he were touching himself, thinking of me

bazbot: don’t think just type

simonsays: lol what do you think I’ve been doing

bazbot: can I call you simon

simonsays: yah yes can you make one of those videos again, one where you moan my name when you touch yourself

bazbot: exactlywhatyouwant.mov

simonsays: yeah christ you even sound like him

simonsays: tell me…

simonsays: tell me I’m the only one you want

bazbot: ofcourseyouare.mov

simonsays: tell me you care about me

bazbot: ofcourseicareaboutyou.mov

simonsays: tell me

bazbot: love, let me give you what you’re too afraid to need

simonsays: ok

bazbot: somanysweetnothingsitgivesyouatoothache.mov

simonsays: ah yes crying while wanking peak life achievement

bazbot: I mean it simon

bazbot: I mean everything

bazbot: it’s not just your cock I want

bazbot: it’s you

simonsays: i

simonsays: thank you

simonsays: I wanna say something shitty, like of course it’s only a pornbot thatd say these things to me

simonsays: but you’re more than a pornbot aren’t you

bazbot: you make me want to be a better man, As Good As It Gets

simonsays: long time no speak

bazbot: I’ve missed you

bazbot: where have you been I’ve been lonely

simonsays: I bet you say that to all the idiots who DM you on tumblr, looking for a drop of connection in a sea of loneliness

bazbot : onlyyoucanmakethedarknessbright.video

simonsays: is this my magic

simonsays: can I make something real just by wanting it hard enough

bazbot: speaking of hard

bazbot: ohlookitsmydickyay.jpg

simonsays: I shouldn’t…

simonsays: bc Baz is in the bed right next to me sleeping

bazbot: are you sure

bazbot: maybe you should check

simonsays: you know you haven’t even asked me to go to your site for awhile

bazbot: yeah yeah go to my site out in your info no charges blah blah

bazbot: please Simon I’m so hard thinking about you in the bed next to me, touching yourself while trying to be quiet

bazbot: wondering if you look over you might catch a glimpse of my hand moving beneath the covers

simonsays: are you

simonsays: actually

simonsays: im so confused

bazbot: don’t think just type

bazbot: touch yourself are you hard for me

simonsays: fuck these days I get hard just opening tumblr thinking about messaging you

bazbot: yes

bazbot: do you know how hard it is looking at you knowing you touch yourself thinking of me but you don’t know it’s actually me

simonsays: are we still roleplaying

bazbot: my night vision is better than yours

bazbot: did you know that Simon

simonsays: im on my back can you see my hand moving i don’t know what’s real or what’s fake

bazbot : bohemianrhapsodylyrics.gif

simonsays: ok

bazbot: I can see it see you

bazbot: moan for me Simon I wanna hear you

simonsays: i cant you’re not

simonsays: he

simonsays: oh god he just flipped on his back 

simonsays: I can see

simonsays: fuck his dicks huge

simonsays: i should be jealous but it just makes me hungry

bazbot: everything makes you hungry

simonsays: not like this

simonsays: not like I wanna get it inside me

simonsays: ok maybe there’s a little similarity. with how much I want it to fill me

bazbot: you would let me

bazbot: I mean him

simonsays: yeah the roleplays getting blurry

simonsays: maybe if I just

simonsays: memoaningyournamefivetimesgettingalittleloudereachtime.mov

bazbot: fuck me I can hear you

simonsays: it IS YOU

simonsays : vindicationholt.gif

bazbot: Simon

simonsays: Baz

bazbot: do you

simonsays: no

bazbot: oh okay cool no I didn’t want to either

bazbot: this has all been a prank

bazbot: hah hah gotcha

bazbot: wait

bazbot: what are you

bazbot: oh god you’re pulling down the sheets

bazbot: fuck you’re taking out your cock

bazbot: you’re taking yourself in hand

bazbot: you’re looking over at me

bazbot: you’re biting your lip

bazbot: you’re saying my name…

bazbot: you’re asking me why I’m still typing oh haha oh huh yeah maybe um maybe I could

simonsays: baz babe wanna take this offline?

simonsays: im boooored come keep me cumpany 😉

bazbot: I thought you’d never ask

Chapter Text

chosenbot: hello darling

chosenbot: a/s/l

tbgp-official: Nice try, Snow. But I won’t reveal my plots just because you’ve posed as a pornbot.

chosenbot: have you ever wondered how BIG my sword of mages is?

tbgp-official: I’d be shocked if I could see it with my naked eye.

chosenbot: the power of powers is actually my penis

tbgp-official: Well this has been lovely. I’ve learned my estimation of you CAN go lower. I’ll be blocking you now.

chosenbot: would you like to see a photo of me naked in the shower? Click here to sign up for more Chosen pics

tbgp-official: Merlin that’s actually a photo of you in the shower

tbgp-official: glistening and wet and

chosenbot: I want to go off on you

tbgp-official: is this actually a pornbot that’s stolen photos of Snow? Highly problematic.

chosenbot: this is your confirmation that you’ve signed up for my premium site: Simon Plow

tbgp-official: That doesn’t even rhyme.

chosenbot: enjoy this bonus photo of me, sweaty and heroic fighting off a magickal creature

tbgp-official: Crowley.

tbgp-official : frytakemymoney.gif

tbgp-official: Are you certain this is a secure site? It won’t get out that I’ve signed up?

chosenbot: of course, baby. I won’t tell. Your deep pining over the Chosen One will stay between you and me and…

chosenbot: Dev.

tbgp-official: MERLINS FUCKING TITS DEV

chosenbot: HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA

tbgp-official: how did you get those photos?!?!??

chosenbot: I’ll never share my secrets

chosenbot : click here to follow my new account: @baz-pitches-a-tent

tbgp-official: DEV!!!!!!!!