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The Snooper and The Snip

Summary:

The team go out for a few drinks and it doesn't take much for Penelope to admit she's been looking through Aaron and Emily's personal files. Again.

Part of the Drunken Confessions series.

Notes:

Hi friends!

Look, this is absurd. I know it is, you know it is, but I needed the laugh I got writing this and I hope you all enjoy reading it.

I am gifting this fic to my bestie @ssa_sparks because she deserves all the good things <3

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Aaron looks up from his desk at the sound of knocking at his office door. He smiles as he’s greeted by the sight of his wife, a grin on her face as she lets herself into his office.

“Hi sweetheart,” he says, standing up to go over and greet her, pressing a quick kiss to her lips before standing back to maintain the professional distance they always aimed for at work, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” she replies, reaching out and squeezing his hand, “So did the kids.”

“I’m sorry I got called away on a case your first week back,” he says, and she shakes her head at the apology he’d given her every night on the phone since he’d gone away. They’d known it was likely to happen, that chances where he’d be called away as she went back to work after her maternity leave, but it hadn’t made it any easier when it happened. It made ever even more sure that her move to another unit after she had Teddy 18 months ago had been a good decision.

“It’s not your fault honey,” she assures him, squeezing his hand again, “Rosie has barely been letting me sleep though, and Teddy spent pretty much every night asleep next to me.”

Aaron smiles at the mental image of it, “He kept sneaking in?”

She nods in response, “I couldn’t bring myself to take him back to his room, he looked so cute sleeping on your side of the bed.” In the 3 months since Rosie had been born, Teddy had become incredibly clingy with his parents, especially Emily. She knew it was normal, and it was already better than it had been at the start, but being alone with the kids for a few days had really highlighted it again. “Jack was a godsend, we’re going to have to get him that bike he wants.

Any response is cut off by the rest of the team appearing in the office door, clearly led by Penelope, all with their bags thrown over their shoulder as they were ready to leave the office.

“Em, I’m so glad you’re here, it saves me a trip to your office upstairs,” Penelope says as she walks in, followed closely by the others, “Do you guys want to come for a drink?”

Emily looks at Aaron and crosses her arms over her chest. Part of her wants to say no, to get home to the kids and spend an evening with her husband after he’d been away for almost a week. She knew he’d take the kids without prompting. He’d take Rosie as soon as she fed her and ask Jack to help him distract Teddy. Then he’d gently push her towards the stairs, encouraging her to take some time to herself, to have the relaxing bath she’d been craving for a few days but hadn’t found the time for.

But a bigger part of her wants to say yes. To go and spent some time with the team like in the old days. Aaron’s eyes meet hers and they have a silent conversation. So much between them went unsaid. It was one of the things she loved the most about their relationship, that they understood each other so deeply. He smiles at her, his dimples briefly appearing as he shrugs ever so slightly, just enough for her to see and he knows he’s leaving it up to her. She looks back at the team and sees the looks in their eyes, Penelope almost vibrating with the mere idea of them all going to a bar, and she sighs, lovingly rolling her eyes at them.

“Fine,” she relents, smiling when Penelope cheers, and she points at her exuberant friend, “I’m only having one glass of wine though. Two at most.”

Penelope scoffs and pouts, and Emily sees similar outrage on JJ’s face too. “What happened to you peaches? You used to love a good time.”

“I have two kids under two, Pen,” she replies, smiling at her, “And I have spent most of the last few years either pregnant or breastfeeding, which I am still doing by the way. Trust me when I say a couple of glasses of wine will be plenty,” she exchanges a smile with JJ who nods, relenting before Penelope does, “If you want me to drink more than that I’ll be dropping all three of the kids off at yours tomorrow.”

“Fine,” Penelope says, sighing as a smile spreads across her face, “But you’re coming?”

Emily looks at Aaron again, whose smile had now spread across his entire face, and she nods as she looks back at her friends, walking over to Penelope and linking her arm with hers.

“Yes, we’re coming.”

“Hopefully not in quite the same way as last time we all went to the bar. Right, Em?” Penelope jokes, just loud enough for Aaron to hear as Emily squeezes her arm a little tighter, “Although I wouldn’t say no to another niece or nephew.”

“Emily.”

She looks over her shoulder at her husband as he follows them, Derek and Dave on either side of him chuckling as they all walk into the elevator.

“I’m sorry,” she says, narrowing her eyes at Penelope, “That was meant to be a secret.”

“I knew it,” Dave chuckles, “I knew you guys disappeared that night.”

“I thought it was fairly obvious,” Spencer says, his eyebrows furrowing as the doors close and Aaron presses the button. Emily glares at Spencer as the elevator starts to move and he swallows thickly, averting her gaze, “It’s just the date of the day we all went out was exactly 37 weeks and 4 days before Rosie was born, and Emily’s last period was 2 weeks before that, so-”

“Please stop talking,” Emily says, cutting over him, feeling a sense of achievement when he looks suitably afraid as the doors to the elevator open and she leans into her husband's side, happy to seek him out now they were in the parking garage. “We’ll meet you all at the bar,” She says as they all go their separate ways. She looks up at her husband as they head towards their car and sees the smile on his face, “Why are you smirking?”

“You’re the one who told Garcia,” he says, shrugging, “And you couldn’t even have been drunk.”

She bites her lip to try and contain her smile, “I was pregnant and hormonal,” she says, attempting to defend herself. She sighs when he simply raises an eyebrow at her and she opens the passenger door, waiting for him to join her in the car before she continues, “Pen does this thing when she’s had a couple of drinks where she’ll…trick me into telling her things about our sex life.”

Aaron shakes his head at her as he starts to drive, “What kind of tricks?”

Emily scrunches her nose up and looks at him, “She implies that you’re really vanilla in bed. And I feel like I have to defend you.”

There’s a beat of silence before he laughs and he reaches for her hand, lifting it to his lips so he can kiss her knuckles.

“Sweetheart, I love you, but is it really the worst thing in the world if Garcia thinks I’m a missionary with the lights off kind of guy.”

She smiles, sighing again before she looks out of the car window, “I guess not. That’s what I used to think you were into before we got together too.”

“You thought what?”
___

Emily smiles as she watches Derek and Penelope dance together, any inhibitions they may have once had long gone, as she sips her second glass of wine. She yawns, leaning back into Aaron as he tightens his hold on her, his arm banding around her waist.

“You ok, sweetheart?” He asks, kissing the side of her head. The smell of scotch flows off of him, something about the scent of it on his skin enough to make her shiver. He’d had more to drink than she had, something she was completely happy with. He rarely let go and had fun around other people, so she was always pleased when he did.

It didn’t hurt that he was handsy drunk either.

She turns her head to look at him, smiling before she leans in to kiss him, “I’m ok,” she replies, kissing him again, tasting the liquor on his lips, “Tired but ok.”

“Want to go home?” He asks, kissing her temple before trailing down to her cheek and then her jaw.

“In a little bit,” she replies, shivering when he kisses her neck, “Jess said we should take all the time we want,” she smiles as she looks at him again, placing her hand over his on her hip, “Apparently we don’t get out enough.”

Aaron laughs, the sound vibrating against her collarbone, “I think I should be offended, but I can’t bring myself to be.”

“I thought we agreed no more babymaking this evening,” JJ says, walking over with a smirk on her face. The rest of the team is just behind her, smiling at the couple. Penelope reaches for her drink in Derek’s hand, the bright-coloured cocktail clearly mostly liquor.

Aaron stops kissing Emily’s skin but doesn’t pull himself away from her entirely like he usually would, keeping his arm firmly around her.

“Trust me JJ, there will be absolutely no more babymaking,” Emily replies, taking another sip of her wine.

“Especially once bossman has his surgery,” Penelope murmurs, chasing the straw in her drink with her tongue, her coordination long gone. Emily feels Aaron’s arm tighten around her, and she tenses too, her eyebrows furrowing at her friend. Penelope’s eyes widen she seems to realise what she’s said, the rest of the team all looking at her, “Oh crap.”

Emily sighs, “What did you do, Pen?”

Penelope curses under her breath, “I…may have seen that Hotch put in a medical leave request, and I may have been concerned about something being wrong so I…” she swallows thickly, purposely not meeting either Aaron or Emily’s eyes, “I may have broken into his HR file and read the request.”

Aaron sighs and shakes his head, and Emily squeezes the hand he still has on her hip, “Garcia, I put that request in 7 hours ago.”

“I know, I’m sorry and I know it’s wrong but I was worried,” she says quickly, her words almost tripping over each other, “And you two are so private and I thought if something was wrong you wouldn’t tell us. I wasn’t going to tell anyone.”

“And yet you did,” JJ says, smiling, “Immediately.”

“Do you ever think this might be exactly why they don’t tell you anything, Baby Girl?” Derek says, a smirk on his face.

“Wait a minute,” Dave says turning to Aaron, cutting over Penelope before she can defend herself, “You’re getting a vasectomy?”

Aaron sighs and nods, “Yes, I am.”

There’s a moment of silence before Dave speaks again, “Why?”

She knows her husband well enough to know he’d never usually explain himself. That the private conversations they’d had as they came to the conclusion that this was the best thing for them would stay just between them. But he holds her a little closer, his love for her thrumming just below the surface of his skin, brought forward by the alcohol in his system, stopping him from keeping it to himself.

“Because my wife had two back-to-back pregnancies and two very long labours. So compared to that this is nothing,” he says, shrugging.

“Why surgery though? Emily has, at most, another 3 or 4 years before-”

Emily cuts Spencer off with nothing more than a glare and a finger pointed in his direction, “Not that it is anyone's business but birth control makes me feel like shit. And you have said far too much about my reproductive system tonight already, Reid. Don’t push it,” she turns back to Penelope, whose smile at Spencer getting shouted at slips off her face when she sees Emily’s focus is back on her, “And you, please stop going through our medical records.”

Aaron’s frown deepens as he looks at Penelope himself, “You’ve done it before?”

JJ laughs and takes a sip of her drink, “How do you think she found out you guys were pregnant?”

Emily looks up at her husband, amusement shining in her eyes, “Both times.”

Penelope looks like a deer caught in headlights, her eyes wide, as Aaron looks back at her.

“I’ll babysit whenever you want me to?” She offers in an attempt to make up for breaching their privacy.

Emily raises an eyebrow at her, “We’ll hold you to that.”
___

Emily yawns as she rocks back and forth in the chair in the nursery, lamenting how two glasses of wine had left her with a headache as she feeds her daughter. She smiles down at Rosie, running her fingers over the baby’s soft hair.

“Mommy used to be able to drink so much more than she did last night, sweet girl,” she says, thinking of the days long before she’d had children when she could show up to work hungover but still be effective, “But I wouldn’t trade this for anything.”

Rosie pulls away from her and Emily readjusts her shirt before lifting the baby to her shoulder, rubbing gentle but firm circles on her back. She takes a moment to breathe in the scent of her, the baby shampoo and something lingering underneath that just seemed to cling to newborns. She knew it was the right thing for Rosie to be their last baby, even if she was slightly younger, but it didn’t mean that she wouldn’t miss this. Early mornings that seemed to last forever in the moment but went by so fast. Rosie burps and Emily chuckles, kissing the side of her head.

“Good girl.”

She hears a door sneak open before the pitter-patter of tiny feet against the hardwood floor. She smiles when Teddy pushes the ajar door to the nursery all the way.

“Momma!”

She lifts her finger to his lips, shushing him, her smile widening when he does the same thing.

“Be quiet, baby, Daddy and Jack are still asleep,” she says and Teddy nods, “Want to come sit with me and Rosie?”

He rushes over, and she helps him climb into her lap, keeping a now sleeping Rosie against her chest.

“Missed, Momma,”

She kisses her son’s head and holds him closer, “I missed you too, Teddy Bear,” she says, tickling him to hear his sweet laugh, “Did you have fun with Jack and Aunt Jessie.”

He nods before he rests his head on her shoulder, looking at his baby sister on her opposite one.

“Daddy home?”

“Yes, sweetie, Daddy is home,” she replies, thinking of her husband, smiling at the memory of just how drunk he’d got the night before, “He’s still asleep though.”

“No, he isn’t.”

It takes everything in her not to laugh at him as she looks up at him. He’s dishevelled, his hair all over the place just like their sons was, and his pyjamas are askew. He looks exhausted, and she can practically feel his hangover from across the room.

“Dadda!”

Teddy scrambles from her lap and is across the room faster than she thought he could move. She suppresses another laugh at how Aaron winces at their son’s loud voice, his arms already out to catch him to lift him into his arms.

“Hi there, buddy,” he says, his voice gravelling in a way that makes Emily’s stomach flip, “Did you look after Mommy and Rosie whilst I was gone?”

Teddy nods, smiling at his father, “Pancakes?”

Aaron laughs, kissing the side of his head, “Good to know what I’m missed for around here.”

“You have other uses,” Emily says, standing up and walking over, Rosie still sleeping against her, she leans in to kiss Aaron, grimacing slightly at the taste of his breath, “You feeling ok?”

“I’ve been better,” he replies as they walk out of the nursery and towards the stairs, “Did Dave make me drink scotch last night.”

“You didn’t take much convincing,” she says, smirking at him, “Apparently you were toasting the loss of your virility,” she winks at him, “Judging by how keen you were to seduce me when we got home I’d say you could do with it being taken down a peg or two,” she jokes, thinking of how he’d been all over her when they got home, only to fall asleep the moment he laid on the bed.

Aaron groans, “I’ve really got to speak to Garcia about breaking into personal files.”

Emily hums in response, readjusting her hold on Rosie as they walk down the stairs before heading to the kitchen.

“She means well, she just…doesn’t always go about it in the right way.”

He kisses Teddy’s head before putting him in his high chair, “At least we always have one up on her,” he says, his playfulness that he always kept for their home, their family, breaking through from underneath his exhaustion as he winks at her.

Emily blushes slightly at the memory of what he’s talking about, even though it had been over two years ago now. She clears her throat as she leans against the kitchen counter whilst he approaches her. He leans in to kiss Rosie’s head before kissing Emily, smiling against her lips.

“We both promised we’d never tell her,” Emily says, smirking at him, biting her lip to try and contain it, “And anyway, it was your idea.”

He feigns innocence and turns towards the pantry, slowly getting out the ingredients for pancakes.

“Em, sweetheart, love of my life,” he says, looking at her again with his eyebrow raised, “If she found out we had sex in her office during the Christmas party, who do you think she’d blame?”

She groans, disregarding his question as if he hadn’t spoken. “Sometimes when I go in there I swear to god those troll dolls remember what they saw.”

“Let’s just hope she never gets Teddy one seeing as that's most likely when he was conceived,” he replies, yawning and running his hand over their son’s head, messing his hair up even further before he starts to make breakfast, “I think even I’d struggle to keep a straight face.”

They both laugh and miss the sound of Jack’s footsteps down the stairs and across the floor towards the kitchen, only realising he’d joined them when his words break across their laughter, stopping it immediately.

“What does conceived mean?”

Notes:

Humour is the hardest thing to write and always makes me extra anxious - so please let me know if you enjoyed this!

Until next time,

SequinSmile x

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