Chapter Text
When they came out of the conference room, Prince Stolas was lounging on the office couch, flipping through one of Loona's insipid magazines (Loona was asleep at her desk--most likely hungover, again but of course Blitzo wasn't going to do anything about that).
"Oh, fuck, I cannot deal with this much post-divorce, post-dumping my useless ass energy," Blitzo muttered.
"Wait, what?" asked Moxxie.
"The fuck are you doing here?" Blitzo asked.
"Oh, hello, Blitzy," said Stolas.
"Did he say they broke up?" Moxxie asked Millie, who shrugged.
"Guess that's why he keeps locking himself in his office and playing his Sad Crying playlist," said Millie.
"Oh, that's his Sad Crying playlist? I thought it was just a random assortment of poorly written, slightly depressing music," Moxxie said. As a more mature and intelligent demon, he was not at all bothered by the fact that Blitzo seemed to ignore this completely valid criticism entirely.
"Is that your fucking gardening hat?" Blitzo asked.
Stolas pulled up the alleged gardening hat and pulled down his oversized sunglasses to look at Blitzo. "It's called 'drip', Blitzy."
"Do you even know what that is?"
"Yes, this periodical has a very helpful infographic," said Stolas. "And a quiz! How fun!"
"Fucking hell," Blitzo muttered. "You here to vandalize shit or just tell everybody how shitty I am in bed?"
"What? No, we have to go to brunch," said Stolas.
"I don't have to do shit," Blitzo said.
"Blitz, we're going. I made reservations."
"Stolas, it's Wednesday."
"So?"
Blitzo sighed. "Stolas, I'm not...look, I can tell from the fit and your sudden discovery of brunch that you've probably been watching way too much Sex and the City of Dis lately, but I don't really do..." He waved his hand in Stolas' general direction, "...any of this. All right? So just...call me a fuckstain and set something on fire on your way out."
"Sir, could we maybe not encourage--"
"Blitz, don't be ridiculous," said Stolas. "I can't possibly be expected to drink mimosas and talk about my thrilling sexual escapades all by myself."
"Your...thrilling sexual escapades?"
Millie nodded in Blitzo's direction and mouthed. "Sad crying playlist."
"Oh yes," said Stolas. "We've really so much to catch up on!"
Blitzo cleared his throat. "Yeah, fine, if it'll get you out of my ass. We're going to brunch."
"Oh, and we'll need someone to laugh at all our witty remarks, so let's bring..." Stolas tapped a talon against his beak as he considered the rest of I.M.P. Moxxie cringed as the prince pointed at him. "That one."
"Sir, please don't drag me into whatever this is," said Moxxie.
"Yeah, no can do, Moxx," Blitzo told him, pulling him aside. "Haven't really talked to Stolas since we...well, we didn't break up because we weren't actually dating, but I did still do all that crying...For unrelated reasons. Not that I care. Obviously."
"You...weren't you on the phone with him yesterday?" Moxxie asked.
Blitzo rolled his eyes. "Moxxie, that's just the 9am call. That's not...talking talking."
"For an hour?"
"Yeah, he just goes on and on. Part of why I've clearly moved on with my life."
"And you...actually broke up?" Moxxie asked.
"Uhh, fucking pay attention, Moxxie. We didn't break up because we weren't dating, but now we're not not dating anymore. So gonna need you as a buffer." He looked at the prince again. "And if I get too many bottomless mimosas in me, I'll need you to keep me from doing something stupid."
Moxxie rolled his eyes. "Sir, I can barely manage to keep you from doing something stupid when you're not drinking."
"Well, you're just going to have to try a little fucking harder!" Blitzo looked back at Stolas. "Fuck, if I'd known he had those jeans...you think he had to magic himself into those?"
"I'd really prefer not to comment on--"
"Probably rubbing right up against that bird box every time he moves...shit," he said as Stolas crossed then uncrossed his legs in a completely benign gesture that had Blitzo staring at him open mouthed. "Yeah, definitely need you to keep me on a tight leash. Metaphorically."
Moxxie shot a pleading look at his wife. "Millie..."
"Now, come on, Moxxie, weren't you just saying you need to get out more?" Millie asked.
"No?"
Millie pulled him closer in a vaguely threatening way that was oddly unenjoyable. "Moxxie, I did not just go through two weeks of Blitz blasting his Sad Crying playlist from 8 to 5 for you not to get the dirt on this," she said. "Besides, if he really has broken up with his highness, that just means he's going to keep trying to sleep in our bed. And he always wants to be the little spoon even with those fucking spines!"
Moxxie opened his mouth to point out that discussing the spooning logistics was, in its own way, a tacit acceptance of Blitzo breaking into their bedroom and getting into their bed uninvited, but Millie firmly steered him back towards his unwanted brunch plans.
"So maybe you should try to help them patch things up?" Millie suggested.
"Shall we be off, bitches?" said Stolas.
"Yeah, let's get this the fuck over with," said Blitzo.
"You boys have fun!" said Millie. "Don't get into too much trouble!"
***
Moxxie was...well, he was always in Hell except for work related purposes, but he was currently in a metaphorical Hell.
Ordering had been stressful, but, like most things involving Blitzo's ridiculous flights of fancy, only stressful for Moxxie.
Moxxie did not condone the use of so-called secret menus as it should have been apparent to any reasonable demon that the menu would include any and all available items. Even if certain ingredients could be cobbled together, surely it was considered presumptuous--if not rude to the chef--to do so oneself or at the direction of internet "foodies." So he was not particularly comfortable ordering brunch items at a fine dining establishment that had just been informed that they now served brunch.
The prince hadn't been impolite, but there was something quite unsettling about his smiling insistence that of course there would be mimosas and avocado toast and whatever mice benedict was going to involve (Moxxie was not looking forward to finding out if his assumption was correct).
And then Blitzo had fucking ordered eggs.
"So?" he'd asked when Moxxie had tried to delicately and discreetly point out that this might be considered in very poor taste at best. "Oh, right, I guess you've never seen him stress eat an entire carton of marshmallow chicks." Stolas had swatted his arm, causing Blitzo to smirk and ask, "You want me to tell him what else I've seen you swallow?"
"Blitzy!"
And despite Moxxie's protests, Blitzo was now on his third puerile anecdote. Like his other disgusting stories, this one seemed to get longer and more disgusting the harder Prince Stolas laughed.
Moxxie had always wondered what exactly his highness saw in someone like Blitzo. While Moxxie was largely immune to the effects of the prince's "post-divorce drip," he could recognize that Stolas was a cultured and educated demon in addition to being a reasonably attractive ruler of hell. And Blitzo was...Blitzo. The prince's infatuation with him had seemed as inexplicable as...well, anything else Moxxie knew about Blitzo's love life.
According to Blitzo, Stolas' interest was entirely due to his prodigious genitalia. As much as Moxxie did not want to contemplate any region of Blitzo's anatomy, that explanation was preferable to realizing that it might have been because Stolas was the only one who actually enjoyed Blitzo's depraved, disgusting sense of humor.
There was something almost upsetting about watching a dark lord hooting with laughter as Blitzo described some anatomical impossibility in excessive detail.
It was also odd, given the alleged circumstances behind this farcical attempt at brunch, to see Blitzo grinning up at Stolas as he told his excessively crude and exceedingly unfunny story and to see Stolas' hand on Blitzo's shoulder.
"Are you sure you broke up?" Moxxie asked. Blitzo and Stolas stared at him as if they'd forgotten he was there. Which they very likely had because that was what usually happened.
"Technically, no," said Stolas. "You can't actually break up if you weren't dating."
"Ha! I fucking told you, Moxxie!" said Blitzo.
"I see," said Moxxie. "And just what exactly do you two think dating is?"
"Oh, for fuck's sake, Moxxie," said Blitzo. "It was a one time thing."
Moxxie could feel his eye starting to twitch the way it usually did during conversations with Blitzo. "How?"
"I thought you said they knew," said Stolas.
"Yeah, they're all so fucking nosy," said Blitzo.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!"
"We agreed to one night of passionate fornication," said Stolas.
"Every month," said Moxxie.
"Yes, exactly," said Stolas.
"One time thing every month," said Blitzo.
"That's not what that means!" Moxxie shouted. "And you fucked in the office all the time!"
"No, we didn't," said Blitzo.
"We could hear you! Everyone could hear you! Do you know how many complaints we got from other floors?"
"God damn it, Stolas, I told you you were too loud," said Blitzo.
"And I told you it's not my fault you have such an amazing dick," said Stolas.
"Yeah, well...office doesn't count," said Blitzo.
"Oh, no, of course not," said Stolas.
"How does that not count?!" asked Moxxie.
Blitzo and Stolas looked at each other before shrugging. "We just agreed it didn't," said Stolas in the same tone he'd used when he'd assured the waitress that yes, they would be having brunch.
"That...it's not...you can't..." Moxxie stammered.
"Who is he, the one night stand police?" Stolas asked.
"Yeah, now we're getting some top notch brunch bitch energy," said Blitzo. As they clinked glasses, Moxxie reminded himself that he was a murder professional, and that off the clock, unpaid violence was unseemly. "Way to Samantha it up, Stolas."
"Thank you, Blitzy," said Stolas. "I have entered my slut era after all."
"Oh...right, all your exciting sex shit," said Blitzo, and Moxxie could tell from his expression that they were not going to get any work done that day because as soon as this idiotic outing was over, Blitzo was going to lock himself in his office and play his awful music at full volume. "That's...so you're...already?"
"Oh, yes," said Stolas. "I am just slutting it up!"
"That's...wow, I am so happy for you, Stolas," said Blitzo, forcing himself to smile in a way that made Moxxie realize there was a very good possibility he was about to be abandoned at the table to make small talk about a Great Prince of Hell's "slut era" while Blitzo tried to escape through a bathroom window. "Just out there, sucking all the dick, huh?"
"Absolutely," said Stolas. "I just...after we...well, obviously I ought to take the opportunity to throw myself at any available cock. I believe that was your suggestion, Blitzy?"
"Yeah, I sure do say things that definitely don't come back to bite me in my tight little ass," said Blitzo. "But, hey, guess we're here to get drunk and dish, right?"
"Oh, yes, we are, aren't we?"
"Oh, crumbs," said Moxxie as he began to comprehend the level of emotional unintelligence sitting across from him.
"I suppose you're expecting all the scintillating details now that we've both moved on," said Stolas.
"Oh, yeah, of course, all of those," said Blitzo. "I'm doing great by the way."
Stolas put his hand over Blitzo's. "Isn't it such a relief that we're both doing...great? And having so much completely satisfying sex? Because obviously both of those things are completely true in my case!"
"Uh huh," said Blitzo. "Yeah, I'm also just...having a ton of...that. Not going to throw myself off a bridge after this or anything."
It wasn't fair. This was supposed to be a normal day of waking up next to his beautiful, vicious wife, going to work to kill some awful humans, and hopefully not having to deal with an excessive amount of Blitzo's bullshit. He did not want to be "the buffer" at fake brunch, discovering that a Great Prince of Hell was exactly as stupid as a semiliterate murderous clown (and, oh crumbs, didn't his highness have command of over two dozen legions? Did they really let someone exactly as stupid as Blitzo be in charge of the forces of Hell?)
"Just out of curiosity, which one of you did the...not technically breaking up?" Moxxie asked.
"He did," said Blitzo and Stolas.
"Uh huh," said Moxxie. "So it was mutual?"
"No," said Blitzo.
"Oh, certainly not," said Stolas.
"Mmhmm, yes, that's pretty much what I expected," said Moxxie. "So you didn't actually talk about this?"
They exchanged a glance. "No?" said Blitzo.
"Why would we do that?" asked Stolas. "We'd just ended things."
"Yeah, we're not even on speaking terms," said Blitzo.
"You're not on speaking terms," said Moxxie.
"There a fucking echo in here?" Blitzo asked to Stolas' amusement. Moxxie's eye twitched as they clinked glasses again.
"Does he not know how these things work?" Stolas asked.
"No, he married the first woman he ever saw or some shit."
"Oh..."
"Hey, no, he's fine," Blitzo said. Moxxie could feel the start of an aggravation headache as he watched Blitzo pat Stolas' hand. "Voluntarily. There's like serenading and pegging and shit."
"Aww..."
"Sir, we are not going to be on speaking terms if you continue to--"
"Moxxie, I've just been through a real nasty break up," Blitzo said despite the fact that he was still holding Stolas' hand. "So maybe take a break from riding my fucking ass?"
"Yes, I think you ought to be a bit nicer to Blitzy." said Stolas.
"Then what the fuck are we doing here?" Moxxie shouted.
"I'm recently divorced, so I'm supposed to go to brunch now," Stolas said in the same aggressively reasonable tone he'd used on the waitstaff. "And what with all the living, laughing, and loving I've been doing, I simply haven't had the time to make any other friends. And I think we are supposed to stay friends with our exes, aren't we?"
"No," said Blitzo.
"Blitz, I've done a great deal of research on this, and--"
"Binge watching your garbage shows does not count as--"
"I'll have you know I've read several books on the subject."
"Ok, the books your garbage shows are based on don't fucking count either."
"Sir, can I please go back to the office?" Moxxie asked.
"No, we're having a blast," said Blitzo.
"I'm...not?" said Moxxie.
"Oh, we'll just have to fix that then, won't we?" said Stolas, waving a hand. The mimosa pitcher floated over the table, refilling Blitzo and Stolas' glasses.
"Sir--"
"Moxxie, you're the fucking buffer," said Blitzo. "We need you here to keep things from going completely to shit."
"Yes, things would be so tense otherwise," said Stolas.
Moxxie desperately tried not to notice Blitzo's hand reaching under the table.
"Yeah, don't be so fucking inconsiderate, Moxxie," said Blitzo. "Stolas gets very tense."
"Mmm, if only I had someone who could help me out with that..."
Blitzo smirked as he climbed onto Stolas' chair. "If only..."
"Sir, when you asked me to try to rein in your idiotic behavior, I believe this was...oh." Moxxie looked away as the aggressive kissing started. "Can you not..." He sighed and stood up, still averting his eyes. "I think it might be best if I--"
"Sit the fuck down, Moxxie, we're having brunch," said Blitzo.
"No, brunch is a meal served between breakfast and lunch on the weekends," said Moxxie, frustrated enough to risk glaring at Stolas (which probably wasn't that much of a risk as his highness' attention seemed to be focused entirely on Blitzo). "This...this is his highness fabricating a 'slut era' in a childish attempt to make you jealous, while you, sir, are...I don't even know what the fuck you're doing or why I'm here."
"I'm here because Stolas doesn't have any friends, and he can't talk shit by himself! The fuck is wrong with you, Moxxie?"
"What's wrong with me? May I remind you, sir, that I'm the only one here who's--
"No, you may fucking not! Also I'm not jealous because I'm...I'm also in my slut era."
"Your 'slut era,'" said Moxxie.
"Uh huh. Yeah, I'm out having...having all that hot sex."
"Tell me, sir, does a 'slut era' typically involve breaking into someone else's home, inserting oneself in their bed, and crying into their pillow before being forcibly removed?"
"You know me, Moxx," said Blitzo. "I am into all kinds of freaky shit."
"Ooo, how forcibly?" asked Stolas.
"Yeah, we don't need to talk about any details of the super hot, not sad and depressing threeway action I've been getting," said Blitzo.
"No, Blitzy, I think perhaps we do..."
"Is this...is this real?" Moxxie asked. "Or is this just some sort of...of...deviant scenario?"
"It's brunch?" said Stolas.
"But we're open to suggestions," said Blitzo. "Right?"
Stolas shrugged. "If that's what Blitzy wants. But I thought you said he had the..." Stolas held his index talon and thumb just slightly apart.
"Oh, what the fuck, sir?"
"Yeah, but he's good with his hands," said Blitzo. He smiled at Stolas again and reached up with one hand to turn the prince's face towards his. "Besides, you think I'm going to let you test drive any other dick while I'm around?"
"Why would I want to?" Stolas murmured.
"I have an idea," Moxxie said before they could forget they'd broken up and start Lust Ring kissing at the table again. "As part of your utterly insane conception of brunch, shouldn't someone 'dish' about their exciting sexual escapades? Since you're both definitely having them?"
Blitzo and Stolas looked at each other, then back at Moxxie. "Okay, why don't you start?" said Blitzo.
"Me? Sir, I'm married," said Moxxie. "You've told me that's very boring, so I'm afraid I don't have any thrilling anecdotes to share. But of course you both do."
They glared at him. Moxxie found it interesting that he was so fucking tired of this entire stupid ordeal that he wasn't at all completely terrified to have Stolas annoyed with him.
"Unless anyone wants to admit he's just invented a promiscuous persona in a sad attempt to avoid actual communication?" Moxxie suggested.
"The fuck are you even talking about?" Blitzo asked.
"Blitz, he's right," said Stolas.
"Then why does he sound like such a dick about it?"
"The truth is...I may have exaggerated the success of my slut era just a tiny bit...at first it was so exciting, bringing all of those 'randos' home, but it only made me realize--"
"Wait," said Moxxie. "You've actually been...this isn't some childish attempt to..."
"Oh, no, I've researched this very thoroughly," said Stolas. "All the preeminent sexologists say it's crucial to get under someone else if you're trying to get over someone. And when that didn't work, I tried a variety of other positions, all to no avail."
"Oh, fuck, so you've been binge watching premium cable girl power bullshit and mainlining your agony aunt bullshit again?"
"Except for this one particular suggestion, Mistress Manners has always provided excellent advice," said Stolas. "But...Blitz, I don't think I want to be in my slut era anymore."
"Sir," Moxie began as he saw Blitzo's expression. "Sir, this is exactly--"
"You sure about that?" Blitzo asked.
"--the kind of moronic behavior--"
"Or you want to be the kind of slut who gets railed at brunch?"
"--you specifically asked me to prevent!"
"Oh!"
"Yeah, that's what I thought..."
"You realize this is part of your problem?" Moxxie asked, averting his eyes again. "That instead of actually communicating you're committing lewd acts? In public?"
"Oh, grow up, Moxxie, I don't even have my dick out yet."
"The mere fact that you would even allude to your--"
"We did explain that we're not on speaking terms at the moment?" Stolas asked.
"Moxxie never fucking listens," said Blitzo. "Not like you...you're the kind of dirty little slut who'll do exactly what daddy says, aren't you?"
"Yes, of course, Blitzy..."
"I'm leaving," said Moxxie. "And I'm not helping you with any legal or emotional problems after you're done with your so called brunch." He fought the urge to continue pointing out the many flaws in Blitzo's behavior and tried not to think about what the sounds of rattling silverware and breaking glass might indicate.
And then he heard someone who was even more miserably dragged into this that he was say, "Uhhh..."
"Oh, fucking finally," said Blitzo, climbing off of Stolas. "Huevos right here."
Stolas straightened his hat. "It does all look very good though!"
Moxxie stared at the plate of what appeared to be dead mice covered in hollandaise that had been placed in front of Stolas. He continued staring as the prince speared one with a fork before swallowing it whole.
"Mmm, Blitzy, do you want to try this?" Stolas asked.
"Yeah, think I'll pass on entire dead rodents," said Blitzo. "Moxxie, sit the fuck back down and eat your food. How do you not know how brunch works?"
Moxxie sank into his chair, feeling utterly exhausted as he watched Blitzo hold out a forkful of his own food to Stolas.
"I still think they're better when they've actually hatched," said Stolas. "Oh, would you have some time after this to go shopping?"
"No," said Moxxie.
"Yeah, maybe," said Blitzo. "For what?"
"I have a date this weekend, and I need an outfit," said Stolas. "Something that says I'm dee tee eff, but without looking too desperate. And you're just so much better at these things than I am, Blitzy."
"You're fucking right I am," said Blitzo. "You've got a date?"
"Nothing's definite yet, but I think I ought to go on a date," said Stolas.
"With who?"
"That depends, Blitzy..."
"Depends on...oh, fuck you. You're such a pain in the ass, Stolas."
"Shall I make other arrangements, Blitz?"
"So here's how this is going to work," said Blitzo. "Not a date, you're paying for everything, and we're not fucking all night."
"Yes to the first two, and I assume we can discuss your third item at a later time. And you still have to help me find something to wear."
"Ugh, fine."
"Sir, it is still a workday," said Moxxie. "And also this is completely--"
"Look, Moxx, this is a very difficult fashion requirement and one that Stolas is absolutely not up for," said Blitzo.
"But surely I don't need to come on this insipid errand?" Moxxie asked.
"For the last fucking time, you're the buffer!"
"Why am I the buffer when you're going out this weekend?"
"Uhh, we're not?" said Blitzo. "It's not a date."
"Apparently we're not going to be fucking all night, so it's barely even plans," said Stolas.
Blitzo sighed. "Is this going to be a thing?"
"How does neither one of you know what a date is?" asked Moxxie.
"I'd really rather not go into all of that," said Stolas. "It's not very 'brunch vibes.'"
"Yeah, Moxxie, try not to be such a downer when we go shopping," said Blitzo.
"I could just go back to the office," said Moxxie. "We could both...just go back to the office, sir."
"No, we cannot just go back to the office," said Blitzo. "This is a fashion emergency. And I've got a ton of boring ass paperwork I don't feel like doing."
"Sir, I must insist you stop this irresponsible idiocy and--"
"Moxxie, I must insist you shut your fucking face hole," said Blitzo. "We're going shopping."
"And when can I stop being the buffer?" Moxxie asked, hoping it would at least be before the weekend's insane outing.
"After we're done shopping," said Stolas.
"I'll need coffee after shopping," said Blitzo.
"After coffee then," said Stolas. "Oh, isn't this so much fun!"
Moxxie watched, utterly dejected, as Stolas telekinetically filled their glasses again. Maybe they'd be distracted (possibly while doing something...inappropriate in a fitting room) and he'd be able to escape or call Millie for help.