Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1: discovery
April 3rd, 1998, that was the day Hwaseong was born. She looked just like her mother with the nose of her father, her eyes were dark brownish and she had big and bright eyes, almost almond shaped. Her mother named her Hwaseong which translates to Mars. Her mother had always loved the planet Mars and wanted her daughter to match with something she herself holds dearest.

Years pass by like a Flash. Hwaseong was now 5 years old, although her mother noticed something...different about her daughter. Unlike her friend's daughter who enjoyed dresses and girly stuff, Hwaseong leaned more towards overalls and boyish like clothes. At first Hwaseongs mother thought, 'maybe she's a tomboy,' but as time went on she realized it may be something more. The first hint to prove her right was the time Hwaseong had begun crying because of a dress she was wearing.

Earlier that day, her mother had bought her a dress and matching shoes. They were so beautiful and Hwaseong had actually wanted to wear it for the first time. When Hwaseong put it on she frowned immediately and began to cry. Her mother asked her if she was crying because she didn't like it, but Hwaseong shook her head 'no.' Hwaseong really liked it a lot but when she put it on it just didn't feel right to her. She felt as if she didn't belong in the dress, she felt sad that something was stopping her from enjoying the things her mother bought her. Even so, Hwaseong's mother assured her that everything is okay, that she'll return the items and take Hwaseong to buy something that she'll feel much more comfortable and happier in.

The second hint was that same day. They went to the store together and were headed to the girl's clothes section of the store. Hwaseong's mother noticed that Hwaseong would keep looking toward the boy's section of the store, so she asked her if there was anything wrong. Hwaseong shook her head but asked why they couldn't go to that side of the store. Then and there something clicked in Hwaseong's mothers mind, she quickly asked her daughter if she wanted to go there which Hwaseong eagerly nodded her head at. Hwaseong's mother smiled softly and took her over there. They ended up buying many outfits like cute overalls with a dinosaur in the middle, a couple of shirts different from the shirts Hwaseong already owned, a couple of overcoats and new shoes. Hwaseong's mom didn't notice how much they had gotten as they got caught in a shopping spree. It didn't matter to her as long as her baby had everything they wanted.

She ended up spending about $250 for everything, oh her poor wallet..
On the way home, they bought ice cream and had a karaoke battle in the car. When they got home Hwaseong went outside to hang out with her best friend next door. They played house, Hwaseong was the dad and her friend was the mom, her friend had a younger sibling so they made him play the baby. It was cute seeing them run around, pretending to get home from work and cooking pretend food out of leaves and mud.

While they played outside Hwaseong's mother decided to clean out some of Hwaseong's closet. She grabbed a bag and started to take out some of Hwaseong's dresses and placed them into the bag. When she got to the skirts, she realized that for some reason Hwaseong loved her skirts but didn't like dresses, that itself made her confused but she came to the conclusion that as time goes on, she'll figure it out and be by Hwaseong's side no matter what.

After she cleaned out what she knew Hwaseong wouldn't wear she put Hwaseong's newer clothes in the drawers and went on to cook food for her husband. She decided that she'll talk to him later on about what she suspects is going on.

A couple of more years go by, Hwaseong is now 12. Hwaseong was definitely a tomboy. She hated dresses and no longer wore skirts as much anymore but luckily her mom didn't mind; in fact, her mom had actually allowed her to choose what clothes to buy herself and allowed her to dress the way she wanted. She had learned that not all parents did that, so she was really grateful for her mom. They had planned on cutting her hair short and dying a couple of strands, everything was going well until...

"EOMMA!!" Hwaseong yelled out crying
Her mom immediately ran to her room only to find Hwaseong hyperventilating next to her bed. She also noticed her messy bed and a big red stain in the middle. Hwaseong's mother knew what happened, Hwaseong started her menstrual cycle.

"Aww, my baby" she said running over to her daughter, pulling her into a hug. Hwaseong clinged onto her mother sobbing into her shirt.
"What's wrong baby.."
"Eommaa... am I dying.?.. -sniff- w-why am I bleeding?.... I don't want to bleed!!! Make it stop.!!!"
"Oh Baby..You started your period.. I was planning on telling you later on but I didn't expect it to come so soon.."
Hwaseong sniffled while looking up toward her mom, her eyes were swollen and red from the crying, "Why do I have to go through this..? Does everyone go through this?.." Her mother looked down at her in pity and understanding, recalling how hard it was for herself to go through this process as well, "Mhm, I will explain to you better but for now go on and take a shower.. Let me know when you are done so that I can teach you what you need to do." Hwaseong's mother suggested.

"O-okay.." Hwaseong let go of her mom and stood up slightly wobbly and made her way to the bathroom.

Hwaseong's Mother got up and grabbed everything she'll be needing to explain to her daughter well. When Hwaseong got out of the bathroom, her mother explained to her how to use a pad and the basics of the Sex Ed. Hwaseong's mother made sure she let Hwaseong know that everything will be okay and that if she had questions or concerns that she'll be available at any time. When she got to the part where she explains what a menstrual cycle is she noticed how Hwaseong looked betrayed and disappointed the moment she said that it marks the beginning of becoming a Woman. Hwaseong's mother didn't say anything about it so as to not pressure her daughter into sharing something she might have not been comfortable with yet. She knew overtime she would figure it out and get the confidence to share.

To Hwaseong, this day was one of the worst she had ever faced but it also marked the day she began to discover herself even more and the more problems entered her life.

Hwaseong began to pick at her body more, she began to hate her curves. She didn't like the way her hips became slightly more rounded; she also hated the fact her chest began to grow bigger every time she was on her cycle. Hwaseong began to hide herself in baggy clothing refusing to show any type of skin. Hwaseong was slim and tall, but her curves ruined it all for her.

Hwaseong was 16 and things have gotten worse. Everyone at her school would fawn over Hwaseong's height and facial qualities she had but she hated it all of course but not all of them. She liked her slightly bushy eyebrows and the way her lips were plump but long. Despite that, she hated herself and could no longer look at herself in the mirror without frowning or breaking down. She hated her breasts and felt like it would have been better if she'd cut them off or just didn't have them in general.

That's another reason why Hwaseong hid herself from view; she hated seeing them. She felt gross and there was always a pit in her stomach and feeling rising to her chest that almost feels like her stomach is falling and something is choking her as tears fall from her eyes.

That's the feeling she hates the most...
Hwaseong told her parents about how she felt, and they understood. They offered her therapy for the negative feelings Hwaseong felt and suggested she look for others with similar stories so that she could find a solution to her problem. Hwaseong did what was told and found the solution to her problem.

Hwaseong figured out that he was trans (Ftm). He was scared to tell anyone but knew it would be for the best if he told his parents first. All it took was a hug from them both for Hwaseong to break down.

"Oh, my sweet boy.. It's okay!.. You will be okay, yeah..! Don't cry" his mother said as she hugged him. "You are really brave for being able to tell us this darling, I'm so so proud of you" His mother continued while comforting him. "Is there any name or is there anything you would like us to call you by?" his father asked warily. He understood that in many cases, people change their names to help them feel right but he didnt want to disrespect his son and decided to ask to be sure.

Hwaseong was taken aback yet touched to have his parents trying to learn and understand him. "I-i think maybe Mars.." Seonghwa said after a bit of thinking. He didn't think it fit him quite well, but it did help ease the desire of fitting into his new identity. "That's a wonderful name my love" His mother said with a smile as his father nodded in agreement.

Mars was overwhelmed with emotion of joy. He was so happy he had parents that accepted him. In Korea, most people had closed minds and were not very keen on Trans people nor LGBTQ+. He understood that, because Korea wasn't exactly open, he would have a hard time dealing with the world naturally yet the fact he had his parents his side was all he needed to give him the motivation to continue like normal. He was accepted by the people he loved the most and he didn't need any more than that.

-----

Mars thought about his name over the next couple of weeks, he loved his name, but something didn't feel right. He decided on Mars because Hwaseong means Mars, but it reminded him too much of his deadname being a literal translation of it. Eventually, he chose Seonghwa. He imagined people calling him Seonghwa and it made his heart burst with joy. He liked the idea of people correlating him with a star because that was his dream, ever since he was a child he either wanted to be a star or a baker. And now if he couldn't achieve his dreams of becoming a star, he'd at least hold a part of it in his name.

Seonghwa told his parents about his change of mind and how he'd prefer to be called Seonghwa now. They agreed and supported him and even asked if he would like to legally change his name to Seonghwa from now on. Seonghwa was very happy and nodded with the brightest smile.
Over the next couple of days, they worked to help Seonghwa become comfortable with himself. They took him to cut his hair short and they bought him some binders to ease his gender dysphoria. It helped a bit but every now and then, he just couldn't handle it and breaks down into tears.

In school there are people who sneer behind his back, Korea was a very conservative place, so it made sense to Seonghwa that he wasn't immediately accepted and respected nut he couldn't believe how bad it got. There were people who would give him nasty looks whenever he walked by and on his desk, there would be words like 'Trans bitch' or 'you are a girl, you'll never be a man" written on it every day no matter how many times he tried to erase the words.

Seonghwa didn't tell his parents about what was happening at school because Yeon-Su, the main leader of his bully group, also known as the most popular in school had threatened to kill him if he did. He was afraid and didn't want to die just yet. At first, he thought Yeon-su was bluffing but over time Seonghwa really realized her power. It began with little beatings like hair pulling, shoving, pushing, and teasing like tripping Seonghwa with their feet but it gradually got worse and worse.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!! PLEASE!" Seonghwa yelled at Yeon-Su crying as his hair was pulled with great force. "And why should I listen to you fucking freak," Yeon-Su laughed towards her friends before she leaned down and grabbed Seonghwa's face "Aww is the Bitch crying~!" she teased as she shook Seonghwa's face side to side before letting go roughly. Yeon-Su stood up and pretended to walk away before kicking Seonghwa in the stomach causing him to cry out in pain
"S-stop.. Plea-" Seonghwa begged doubled over, holding his stomach tightly.

Seonghwa felt a sharp pain in his face, his eyesight was blurred and all he could hear was the muffled sounds of laughter. Yeon-Su took advantage of Seonghwa's Vulnerability and began to pull Seonghwa's pants down. She motioned to her friend group to pass her the scissors and to hold Seonghwa in place so that he couldn't fight back. She ripped Seonghwas shirt open exposing his binder only to cut it in half. Seonghwa wanted to die, the gender dysphoria was killing him right now and apart from that his entire body was exposed to the whole school for them to see and laugh at. He wanted it all to end.. He wishes he could disappear from the world and never exist ever again.

He was brought out of his head when he heard Yeon-su crazy voice ring out to everyone. "You will never be a man you fucking bitch. You don't have a dick nor a flat chest. You'll always be a girl." Yeon-Su let out a psychotic laugh while looking around at her friend taking videos.

That's all Seonghwa heard before he passed out due to blood loss and the hit to his face. Seonghwa woke up in the hospital, his mother and father sleeping right next to him. He felt empty and hated himself for being born in the body of a woman. His thoughts got worse and worse slipping from hateful words to urges of Self harm. He couldn't handle it anymore; he wanted to feel peace and wanted a way to escape from everything. He sat up but laid back down as a bad pain shot throughout his head.

"Ah- fuck.." He said in a whisper, holding his hand up to his head. "Seonghwa..? My baby! Are you okay!?" His mother frantically questioned, immediately jumping up to check on him.
Seonghwa winced at the volume of her voice trying to focus on something else to avoid the throbbing feeling shooting across his head. "Ah too loud mom..." He said in a low voice. "I'm sorry love, I'm just so glad you are awake" she said as she pulled Seonghwa into a big hug.

"Is he awake darling-?" His father said in a sleepy voice, looking up with his eyes half lidded, "Mhm.. our baby is awake..!" She squealed lowly practically booming with excitement. Seonghwa's father smiled at the view and he stood up and joined in the hug.

"Why didn't you tell us?.." Seonghwa's mom question after about 5 minutes of hugging. Seonghwa froze and his eyes widened. Of course they would know, he doesn't know who brought him here but obviously something happened in school that led to his parents being informed. "I was scared.. She said she'll kill me if I said anything..." "She won't be doing that anymore" His father chipped in "What?" Seonghwa's eyes widened, "She was found guilty but because she is young and her family is rich she was let go with the bail of $5,000. If she is ever caught doing things like this they'll put her back in jail with no bail" His father explained.
Seonghwa felt at peace with that decision but was still scared that she'll find a way to take revenge if she saw him again. He couldn't bear to go to the same school anymore knowing his body was shown to everyone, surely no one would stop laughing and picking on him just because Yeon-Su got in trouble. They would find a way to make his life worse and he's sure Yeon-su wouldn't mind having her minions finish off what she started.

"Can we move to Seoul?..." his. voice whispered out

Taken by surprise, his mother asked, "Would that make you happy?"

"Yes.."

Chapter Text

Seonghwa and his parents finally moved to Seoul, he was finally free from all the torment. In school Seonghwa kept his birth identity a secret, it wasn't easy especially during P.E but he did it! Seonghwa also managed to get through High School with a mix of A's and B's but rather than going to college he wanted to do something that he enjoys. That something was music.

Every time he and his family go out to watch concerts and people dancing, he always feels captivated by the performance he sees. During school he played many roles in musicals, and it was fun, it was a way to express himself and he liked the excitement when being on stage; it felt amazing. Every time he was at the end of a performance bidding goodbye, his eyes would light up, his heart pumping with adrenaline as his head chanted

"I want to be an Idol..."

His parents were of course supportive, his mom more than his father. His father was supportive but just iffy about the career choice because the entertainment industry was very strict. He was afraid they would discriminate against Seonghwa for being trans and if it ever came out, then there would be a big chance that his career would be ruined entirely and it scared Seonghwa's father a bit. He wanted his son to live a positive and happy life after everything that had happened, yet he wasn't sure the hate that could exist at one point would allow that.

Seonghwa understood his reasoning and decided to have another career path in mind as plan B to ease his father's worries. His other choice was to be a kindergarten teacher or even a baker. He knew that kids take what they learn from a young age and use it in the future. He wanted to help kids become more open minded and creative and he enjoyed the company of some kids when they aren't being little shits. On the other hand, the idea of being able to bake all day and stay surrounded by the smell of coffee and bread and a generally chill atmosphere was super tempting and ideal.

Seonghwa practiced his dance moves and vocals in case they asked him to audition for that too. Seonghwa was hoping he could be a rapper but if anything, else is available for him he'll take it!
He tried to make every move perfect, getting harsh feedback from his parents and his friends from the high school he went to in Seoul. They didn't go easy on him in fact they pushed him hard, they didn't sugarcoat the cons making Seonghwa want to achieve higher.

Seonghwa was scheduled for a couple of auditions tomorrow, he was nervous and excited, but he didn't know how they would react towards him. Unfortunately, he was hit with insomnia today out of all the others.

That was another one of his struggles, it wasn't everyday but most days it happened. He tried to find many solutions, yet it was difficult to make it work. The only one he seemed to focus on was watching ASMR, which he found relaxed him and gave him little tingles. Although today nothing seemed to work, He was restless up until dawn, but he at least got 3 hours of sleep by the time his alarm went off.

Seonghwa woke up to the smell of his favorite breakfast: Corn pancakes and strawberry milk. (My actual favorite breakfast but with coffee lol) He ate well and went up to his room to make himself look presentable. He styled his hair leaving it fluffy but still combed well. He shaved his face (courtesy to testosterone shots) He wore sweats that made it easy for him to move around in. He didn't wear his binder today in order to avoid his chest feeling too exposed and instead chose to wrap bandages around it making it appear flatter than a binder would. (don't do this irl it could cause damage) He wore a slightly loose, black shirt to calm Seonghwa's gender dysphoria and nerves of judgment from those around him.

If he did manage to debut, he did not want his bandmates to know about it just yet. He wanted to know them before allowing them into his personal business, he wanted to avoid any tension and disgust toward him in case that's how they would react. Finally, he topped off his outfit with a hoodie, and some accessories.

After Seonghwa felt well dressed, he went downstairs where his mom and dad were waiting for him.

"You do well my love" Seonghwa's mother said smiling, pinching his cheek with one hand and holding his breakfast with the other. Seonghwa brushed her hand away with a smile and a little sign of protest before he snatched the breakfast with joy, "Yah! You care more about your food than you father and mother." His father exclaimed pointing at Seonghwa who walked past them and to the table so he could start eating. "Hey! Mom worked hard for this food, its only respectable that I eat her hard work hot and fresh!" Seonghwa said trying to play his eagerness off. "Yeah, my son is super respectable and loves my cooking more than his actual parents" his mother said, rolling her eyes and crossing his arms. Seonghwa giggled, at his family's silly gestures and continued eating as fast as he could. His audition is soon, and he needs to leave under the next 10 minutes, or he'd be late.

Seonghwa finished and stood up walking over to his parents with a smirk before he grabbed onto his father's face and left a big slobbery kiss on his cheek. His father's eyes widened as he pushed Seonghwa off with a scream of disgust, trying to wipe away the wet mess as Seonghwa tried to attack his mom next. His mom screamed and tried to block her face unsuccessfully as he left one as wet as the one he gave his father. "I hope you enjoyed my extra love filled kiss as a sign of gratitude" Seonghwa said before he ran out the house and to the bus stop where he waited, the nerves threatening to catch up.

Chapter Text

He made it to JYP entertainment in 30 minutes, Seonghwa was so nervous to enter but he knew he had to before he's late.

In the audition rooms, he met many different people who were all so cool it made Seonghwa insecure. What if I wasn't manly enough? What if they figure me out already? What if I'm not good enough? He definitely doubted himself after seeing how much more experienced the rest of the boys were compared to himself. He was broken out of his thoughts by a young man who introduced himself as Chan.

"Hey! Are you auditioning too?" Chan said with a lot of enthusiasm. Seonghwa could tell that Chan was someone trustworthy. He just radiated a sense of security that automatically eased Seonghwa's nerves. "Mhm, I'm nervous" Seonghwa replied. He didn't mean to be so reserved, but his brain couldn't think of another thing to say. He began to fidget with his fingers, fearing that he might have had ruined a chance to make an ally but to his surprise, Chan offered a bright smile "Oh don't be!! I've been a trainee for 7 years already. It's not that bad once you get used to it." Seonghwa's eyes widened. "Oh-.. wow.. That must mean you are very very experienced... That intimidates me," Seonghwa said brushing it off as a joke when in reality he was way too intimidated to even function right. Chan looked away, clearly flustered. He knew it was a long time, yet he's never heard anyone directly tell him they were intimidated by him. "Haha, no no not at all if I were that experienced, I would have already debuted" He explained, his face still holding his smile yet his eyes a lot dimmer than the start of the conversation. Seonghwa felt bad for Chan seeing how much it affected him. He didn't want Chan to have that doubt in him, so he tried his best to compliment the other as they waited for their turn.

They both ended up talking the whole time and Seonghwa was glad he made a friend despite the lingering fear that one day he would have to tell Chan about himself. He felt that Chan isn't the type to judge but his anxiety creeped up behind him and tried to take him under a spiral of thoughts Seonghwa worked hard to push away. They were deep into an interesting conversation about training when they were interrupted by Seonghwa's name being called.

"Oof, good luck out there Hwa! I hope we can both make the team!!" Chan smiled, holding his fists up in a fighting position. "Oh Thank you Channie! I hope you debut if I don't" Seonghwa said returning the pose with an excited smile. They had talked about their nerves and worries in the lobby, and it gave Seonghwa a confidence boosts with Chan's advice, and he knew that as long as he held his head up high, his body would be taken over by the passion and he'd be done in no time.

Seonghwa walked into the room where he saw Jyp himself accompanied by others. They asked him to introduce himself and to show them what he has prepared. Seonghwa did as said and got a positive reaction as he sang and dance. Seonghwa was nervous and it got worse when he saw the face of Jyp, it didn't look pretty. It was a mixture of disappointment and shock which shocked Seonghwa considering how surprised and happy they seemed with his performance.

"You did well, Ms. Park-"

Oh shit, they know.

"Unfortunately, we aren't working to debut any girl groups at the moment but if you'd like we could contact you again once we are. Although, we'd be more than happy to offer a spot as a trainee!" Jyp finished

That hurt, Seonghwa was heartbroken. He felt the negative thoughts creeping in behind him like a shadow waiting to engulf him whole.

"But.. I'm not a girl.." Seonghwa said in a soft voice

"Pardon?" Jyp said his entire body coming forward, his mouth agape.

"I'm not a girl!.. I'm a boy" Seonghwa said avoiding any eye contact with the judges, afraid to see their reactions.

"Oh you must be one of those trans people.." The judge next to Jyp said. Seonghwa could tell he was disgusted by the way his voice deepened when referring to him. Jyp nudged the side of that judge, his eyes telling him to stop talking. By the disgusted look on Jyp's face he clearly wanted to avoid a transphobic scandal if this were to ever get out. Jyp spoke once more,

"If that's the case.. We will not sign you into the company, it would destroy yours and the groups reputation if the fact you are Trans were to get out to the public. Korea isn't ready for that move just yet and it would be hard to support you if it came out too early. Please understand" His face was stern and although he tried to make his voice lighter and kinder, Seonghwa could tell he did not approve of his identity. "O-okay..." Seonghwa was trying hard to stop himself from crying as he bowed and left the room.

Chan was there waiting with a smile and hopeful eyes that dropped the moment he saw Hwa's teary eyes.

When Seonghwa saw Chan, he couldn't handle it and finally burst out into tears. It wasn't the fact he was rejected; it was the fact he was misgendered and had many gross looks thrown his way from the people who held the tip of his dreams. He felt alone, he hated himself, and he felt himself get overtaken by his body and gender dysphoria. Chan brought Seonghwa into a hug but that made Seonghwa panic at the thought Chan may feel his breast and realize the truth. Seonghwa didn't realize that he was having a panic attack and that all the trainees were watching him with pity and concern. Chan brought him into another room to make sure Seonghwa felt safe and wouldn't panic again. He wanted to pull away from Chan but felt so weak and just let it be.

Chan managed to get Seonghwa to calm down after 5 minutes of trying to help regulate his breath. "You're okay, you got this, good job!.." Chan said in a soft comforting voice, seeing Seonghwa's breathing get slower and calmer.

"I'm sorry you had to deal with me like this," Seonghwa said, surprising Chan. "No no it's okay i'm here to help you now that we are friends. You shouldn't apologize for anything, I wanted to help" Seonghwa nodded at Chan's words, still not fully believing it. Chan could tell he didn't, but he didn't push it. Chan grabbed Seonghwa's hand and put a piece of paper into it.

"Call me when you want, yeah. I want to be friends" Chan said looking at Seonghwa in the eyes.

Seonghwa was in disbelief that even after embarrassing himself, Chan would still want to be his friend but he still smiled and nodded. "Get home safely and don't give up! You'll find a company soon, I know it!" With that Chan went back into the waiting room and Seonghwa left feeling better than he entered.

Over the next few days, Seonghwa learned that Chan was accepted and is set to debut in a group called Stray Kids. They talked every now and then, but Chan was busy with training and producing songs with a subgroup named 3racha. 3racha consisted of Chan and 2 other members, Han and Changbin that will debut in Stray kids too.

Seonghwa understood that Chan is busy as he was busy too. Seonghwa listened to Chan and kept looking for a company to join.

Sadly, most of the companies had a similar reaction to Jyp entertainment if not worse. A constant replies of "you are a girl not a boy we can't put you in a boy group" "It would destroy your reputation" "We can't risk it in case anyone finds out" "We don't sign trans people"

It hurt Seonghwa, he always talked to Chan about his rejections, but he still didn't share his secret of being Trans. Chan assumed the companies were crazy. He made time to practice with Seonghwa and see what the problem was yet according to Chan, there were none present, Seonghwa's vocals were amazing, his dancing skills were pretty good, and Seonghwa's visuals were to die for, it didn't make sense.

Seonghwa realized how conflicted and frustrated Chan got so he decided to finally tell him. It was nerve wracking because Seonghwa didn't want to lose his only friend. The friend who has been there through all his rejection and pain, the one who always made him feel better, but he trusted him and deep inside he knew it would all be okay in the end.

Chapter Text

Seonghwa called Chan and asked him when he'd be free. Luckily, he was free later today for about an hour before schedules began. They settled in to meet at a small cafe about 30 minutes away from his home and not the cafe under jyp in order to get more privacy.

It was about noon when Seonghwa left his apartment, he wanted to arrive a bit earlier so he could prepare for the big news he was about to share. On the way to cafe, the bus faced a little delay that shortened his prepare time but made him happy that he decided to leave a bit earlier. At least now he wouldn't be late like he would if he chose to come exactly 30 minutes before.

Seonghwa arrived 45 minutes later and made his way into the cafe after walking a short distance from the stop to here. Inside he took a little look around to see if he could spot Chan yet there was no one in sight that could be him. Sure, he saw a figure hidden behind sunglasses, but he was missing the blonde hair Chan was currently rocking.

Seonghwa decided that as he waits, he should place his order and settle down at a table, so they weren't stuck with the tables in the middle of the room. Chan wasn't exactly famous at the moment, but he was participating in the Stray kids' survival show and definitely had a handful of fans that could be anywhere. When Seonghwa made it to the register, he ordered boba and strawberry cake. (stan Xdinary heroes ) and found a little table at the corner of the store. He was unsure what Chan would like so he just waited for him to arrive and order for himself. Luckily, Chan arrived shortly after Seonghwa had received his pastries and boba, so he waited as Chan ordered and signaled him over to where he was sitting.

Chan shortly received his order and made his way over to Seonghwa with a smile plastered onto his face that Seonghwa couldn't help but return. Chan placed his Brownie and Americano on the table and took a seat directly in front of Seonghwa who greeted him with a bow.

They caught up with each other and discussed Channies new schedule among other things. Although Chan isn't big on gossip, he couldn't help but tell Seonghwa about how nervous his team members make him because of how hot headed they could be. Especially Han who seemed to disrespect everyone and even almost fought another member named Hyunjin. Chan explained that he tries to put on a stern face but deep inside he's scared that they will call his bullshit out and eventually make him a target of altercation which Chan absolutely hated. Seonghwa was in shock to hear this could be going on behind closed doors. Obviously, he watched the aired episodes of Chans survival show and seeing how close they all seemed, it made him wonder how much people could really hide from the public. After a while of discussing back and forth about new life updates, Seonghwa decided that's enough stalling and chose to get it over with.

"Chan?" Seonghwa said in a questioning voice. "Yeah? What's up" Chan curiously responded, looking up to see Seonghwa's panicked face. It scared Chan and made his heart drop but before he could ask, he was cut off by Seonghwa. "It's okay if you don't want to be friends anymore but I can't keep this from you any longer.." Chan was taken aback, and he quickly began to rush out his words stopping Seonghwa for a moment. "Woah woah calm down. Is everything okay?" Concern shining through his eyes.

Here it goes. Seonghwa thought to himself as he took a deep breath, "Im Trans, Ftm.."
.....
...
..

"Say something?.." Seonghwa said with a pained smile, automatically thinking the worst. This seemed to snap Chan from his thoughts, he quickly realizing his mistake, "Oh! I'm so sorry Seonghwa, I just want you to know, it's okay, that doesn't make you who you are. You are a man born in the wrong body and no one can refuse that perception that only you have. You'll always be the same Seonghwa to me so please don't worry about it changing our friendship or the way I see you. But that does make sense on why companies have been rejecting you non-stop." Seonghwa slightly smiled at that comment before Chan continued, a smile soon taking him over too. "Not like that! They are dumb for doing so. They lost a good singer all because of them keeping older traditions." Seonghwa scoffed in a joking way, enjoying the panic fill Chan's eyes.
But before Chan could apologize, he mentioned "I'm glad you didn't end up the way I thought you would" Chan gasped "You thought I was going to be Transphobic? Have you even seen me?" He said in a joking offended tone making Seonghwa giggle, "I'M SORRY. Listen its Korea! I didn't know what to expect!" he quickly defended.

Chan shook his head laughing "Haha, guess I don't have to hide myself from you too." Taking Seonghwa by surprise, "What-" "I'm pansexual" Chan said with a smile. Seonghwa couldn't believe it! "I guess its easy for fruit loops to make friends, isn't it?" Seonghwa said joking. Chan faked thinking as he slowly nodded his head, "Guess so"

They burst out laughing before continuing to enjoy their hangout a lot more at ease with each other. They never expected to have such a safe space be created among them. Sure, they knew they wouldn't hurt each other but the fact they could relate to one another at a deeper level made everything a lot easier to handle especially because they were soon going to be overtaken by idol life where everything needs to be private and well hidden. Unfortunately, their fun had to come to an end. Chan needed to be back at the company soon and he wasn't sure he'd be able to make it on time, but he knew ways to get away with it so he wasn't too worried.

"Before I go, I heard that there is a very new entertainment company that just started holding auditions not long ago." Chan mentioned as he grabbed his things. "Ah thank you Chan, I'll make sure to check them out." Seonghwa said with a bright smile. They gave each other a little hug before they parted ways. On the bus ride home, Seonghwa thought about the company Channie had mentioned. He pulled out his phone and began to search for more information and if Chan had never suggested it, he would've believed the site was a scam. It all seemed too easy...

Seonghwa found out that KQ is a very small entertainment that has no groups as of now and barely any news of trainees and only a small advertisement for auditions. He looked into the company's socials where he saw that the next round of auditions would be held in two days which was way too soon for Seonghwa's comfort. He contemplated the idea and despite his head screaming a scam, he knew Channie wouldn't suggest something like that and his gut told him to give it a try and just do what he normally does.

-----

The next 2 days went by in a flash and before you know it Seonghwa is in the waiting room. His knee was bouncing up and down, the time ticking painfully slow. There were only about 20 people in the room giving Seonghwa hope for a better chance at making it through. He just hoped that this time his identity wouldn't affect his chances much or else he'd have to learn to bake as soon as he could.

"Park Seonghwa?"

Seonghwa's heartbeat picked up very quickly, but he stood up as fast as he could, his eyes landing on the staff by the door waiting for him. Seonghwa walked to him and was led through the door and into another room where only 3 judges stood. He was directed to the center of the room and waited for instructions making sure his breathing was evened out. Once they were ready for Seonghwa to begin, they queued the music and Seonghwa gave it all he had. After all, this was his last hope to debut

Chapter Text

"Very good. You did wonderful. Although would you please see me for a moment to discuss a private matter after we are done?" The man with the clipboard said, his eyebrows furrowed making Seonghwa nervous. He tried his best to ignore it as he nodded muttering out a small yes, afraid of the idea of rejection coming his way. Seonghwa sat down and waited for the end anxiously. While waiting, a really tall, almost puppy-like boy approached him with a kind smile.
"Do you think that they are pulling you back to announce your acceptance??" he asked, his aura almost radiating so much positivity and curiosity. Seonghwa, didn't look up, not wanting the stranger to see his tearing eyes. "I highly doubt it.." he said quietly shocking the other male.

The puppy like boy frowned at the lack of confidence Seonghwa had. "Nonono don't think like that! You really did amazing. I know that you did. I can feel that you have natural talent inside of you" he said trying to lift Seonghwa's spirit. It pained Seonghwa to think about how he's lowering the mood and quickly snapped his head into seeing the positives, "I'm sorry, I really do hope I am accepted" Seonghwa said with a soft smile. "Jeong Yunho!" They both heard get called from the same staff member that called Seonghwa in. "Aw this was short... I hope we debut together!" Yunho said pumping his fists up before excitedly making his way into the audition room. Seonghwa shook his head with a huge smile. That boy really lit up his whole mood by a lot. It was really nice to see people like that and he really hoped that he would make it through.

-----

Not long after, Yunho came back excited with another male. "This is Mingi, he's my... Best friend!!" Seonghwa noticed the hesitation before the word best friends but didn't overthink it maybe it was a personal issue. "Nice to meet you" Seonghwa bowed. Mingi bowed back before beaming back up excitedly. "I think we might debut!!" Seonghwa was confused "How do you know??" he asked trying to understand where it was coming from. "Me and Yunho were both asked to meet them after, and we overheard 5 others get told the same when we were sitting over there" Mingi said as he pointed to the corner.

Seonghwa really hoped it was true, they seemed like really nice people and it would mean that they accepted him for who he was and would give someone like him a chance! "Anyways, what is your name? We never caught it" Mingi asked. "Oh! Where are my manners! My name is Seonghwa" he said with a smile. "Wow, that's a nice name!" Yunho said, Mingi nodding right next to him.

"Park Seonghwa, Kim Hongjoong, Jeong Yunho, Kang Yeosang, Choi San, Song Mingi, Jung Wooyoung, Choi Jongho, please meet us in the next room." Yunho and Mingi looked at each other smiling before turning to Seonghwa. "You think it is what I think it is?" Mingi said in a sing a song voice. Seonghwa chuckled at his silly behavior, and he replied "I sure hope it is"

Seonghwa stood up next to the two and they walked towards the center of the room. There stood a boy with cat-like eyes next to a boy in an oversized hoodie. Another pair of boys on the other side, one looked like he was built by the gods and the other laughed like elmo at something the handsome boy said. And finally, another boy with many piercings on his ears and a pointy nose. Seonghwa wondered why he was alone but couldn't think much as the managers entered the room. "You guys did very well and after evaluating your guy's skills we have all come to an agreement of making you guys trainees at KQ. Although, there could be room for improvements, and we want to give you guys time to get used to each other. In response to that, we decided to put you guys in a PRE-debut group called KQ fellas."

The moment the manager stopped speaking, everyone burst out into cheers and the pair hugged each other. Seonghwa was in shock, he didn't think he'd ever be able to debut because of him being trans. Seonghwa was suddenly pulled into a hug by Yunho and Mingi. Seonghwa panicked at first, many thoughts going through his head before deciding he'll be okay and that both tall men can be trusted. Seonghwa hugged them both back, his soon to be iconic pained smile wide on his face.

"WE'RE DEBUTING!!!!" Yunho yelled jumping in the hug "HELL YEAH" screamed Mingi back matching his best friend's energy. It was no wonder how two guys like that would be close. They had such good chemistry and matched amazingly like two puzzle pieces.

"We'll give you guys time to meet each other now and I hope to see you guys in 3 days to further discuss your new dorms and positions," said the manager before bowing and exiting the room.

Mingi, Yunho and Seonghwa decided to sit in the corner to talk a bit more. Seonghwa found out that Yunho and Mingi used to go to the same dance academy together and have already known each other for years. Seonghwa felt content with the relationship he's already building with 2 members of the soon to be group. Although Seonghwa couldn't help but notice the same member from before alone in the corner. His features were the most beautiful Seonghwa has ever seen. His pointy nose and eyes being the most captivating. Seonghwa could tell his smile will be amazing judging by how the corners of his lips curled up even when he had a simple and content look on his face.

"What's his name?" Seonghwa randomly said outloud to his new friends. Both Mingi and Yunho looked back getting the other males attention, making Seonghwa smack them both on their knees. "Don't make it obvious! You see what you did, ahhh he probably thinks we are weird"
In the middle of his panicking, he could hear Mingi fake coughing and sneaking in a "Gay panic," making Seonghwa glare at him.

Seonghwa looked back up to see Hongjoong looking their way. They both made eye contact that lasted at least 3 seconds before Hongjoong was approached by the male with the elmo laugh and the god-like male. Seonghwa turned his attention back to Yunho and Mingi.

Eventually they all had to go home, Mingi and Yunho exchanging numbers with Seonghwa. Seonghwa couldn't wait to get home and tell his parents the good news. Once he entered the house he heard a group of voices in the dining room making Seonghwa question who was there.
Seonghwa walked in the kitchen and all eyes were on him. Seonghwa's eyes widened as he panicked before bowing 90 degrees on instinct. "Oh a very polite boy you have Yeon Soo" he heard a female voice talking to his mom. "Thank you Areum!" he heard his mom reply. Her voice proud and happy seeing her son be so kind. "Ah Seonghwa, this is my best friend from high school. She moved to Seoul when we graduated so it was time for us to reunite." His mom explained with an excited look in her eyes as she introduced them. "Ah nice to meet you Ajumeoni" Seonghwa said bowing again with a kind smile. "Nice to meet you too, Park Seonghwa. What a fine boy you are. I'm sure my son would love to be friends with you." She nodded. "Ah 네, I hope so too!" Seonghwa turned to his mom "Where is appa?"

"He's working late today but don't worry he'll be home in an hour" she said. "Ah okay! I'm going to read some books in my room. Please call me if you need me" After Seonghwa received a confirmation noise he turned around and bowed to the guest once more before going to his room. He checked his phone realizing he had a lot of new messages from Mingi and a new group chat.

Mingi: HEy! Do you want to join a group chat? 10:37pm

Mingi: Wooyoung gave me his number before I left and he somehow got all of the other numbers except yours and Yunho's. 10:38pm

Mingi: HEllLOOOO 10:40pm

Mingi: ah whatever, i'll add you anyways lol 10:50pm

Mingi added (***) ***-****

Mingi: okay (***) ***-**** is Hong Joong
(***) ***-**** Is wooyoung
(***) ***-**** is San
(***) ***-**** Yeosang
(***) ***-**** Jongho

Wooyoung:Who is that? And you didn't give Yunho an introduction
Mingi: Thats Seonghwa, he already has Yunho's number
Wooyoung: Oh- OOPS
Wooyoung: ANYWAYS- HEYYY
Yeosang: WOah don't scare him away youngie
Wooyoung: I'M NOT GOING TO
Yeosang: I wouldn't be surprised. Poor Jongho he looked scared when you approached him
Jongho: It's not my fault Wooyoung's laugh scared me. It sounds like a witch
Wooyoung: FUCK YOU! LEAVE MY LAUGH ALONE
Jongho: 😾👎🏻
Wooyoung: Where is Seonghwa anyways
Yunho: probably dead
Mingi: YUNHO NO
Yunho: WHAT YOU SAW HOW HE PANICKED
Mingi: YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE SMART ONE
Yunho: WELL SORRY
Hongjoong: are you done?
Mingi: yup
Yunho: I guess.
Seonghwa: Um hey?
Yunho: HE's ALIVE
Seonghwa: no i died
Jongho: Love that sarcasm, your my bestie now
Wooyoung: You're*
Jongho: Fuck off
Wooyoung: No u
San: You*
Wooyoung: SANNIE I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE
San: SORRY
Yeosang: Great now Wooyoung is fake crying
Yunho: woah you guys are together right now ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Yeosang: no ew he's my bestie and wooyoung is wooyoung he makes me want to smack him for existing
Wooyoung: rude
Yeosang: c:
Wooyoung: ANYWAYS we never introduced ourselves and I think that would be the best choice seeing as we'll probably live together.
San: true true
Yunho: OKAY IM YUNHO, I'm 19 and tall asf and I like dancing btw mingi is my bestie
Mingi: <3
Wooyoung: ew
Mingi: you're just salty you can't pull any
San: who said that
Mingi: ...
Mingi: ANY WAYSSS IM MINGI, 19 AND I'M ALSO TALL ASF. I like to rap and uh im a princess
Wooyoung: Okay word
San: MY name is san. 19 SHiber is my son and i'ma mountain
Yeosang: the typos
San: stfu
Yeosang: Im hehet Yeosang
Wooyoung: Detail
Yeosang: I think you should parish
Wooyoung: well fuck you too then
Yeosang: Ily
San: SOFT YEOSANG SAY LESS
Yeosang: How to unsend
Seonghwa: lol, im seonghwa! I love cleaning, i'm 20 and I hope we can get along well
Jongho: damn ur old
Seonghwa: well shit
Jongho: Im jongho 18, I can break apples with my hands so yes
Wooyoung: oh shit- i'm scared of you now....
Jongho: 🙂
Wooyoung: IM WOOYOUNG 19 im social as you can tell, and I am not afraid of physical touch 🙂
Hongjoong:....
Hongjoong: HongJoong, 20, uh i like making music
San: another oldie
Hongjoong: Should i be offended
Seonghwa: Fr
Yunho: Who's older of you two?
Seonghwa: I was born on April 3.
Hongjoong: guess you're my sunbaenim
Seonghwa: oh, not hyung?
Hongjoong: No not yet we aren't that close yet
Seonghwa: oh okay

What they didn't know is that Seonghwa was hurt a bit by that. He thought that if they were going to live together they might as well get closer with each other. For some reason, Seonghwa felt drawn to Hongjoong. He wanted to know him more and at least be someone he can trust. It's okay, Seonghwa will just have to earn Hongjoong friendship later.

Seonghwa went down stairs to greet his father as he heard him enter not long ago. Luckily, both his mom and dad were still awake enjoying a movie together. "Eomma? Appa?" They bother turned their attention to Seonghwa when hearing his voice. "Oh Seonghwa! How was the audition," his dad asked with a kind smile. Seonghwa faked a sad look but seeing as both his parents happy faces seemed to fall, he did not hold it up for long. Before they knew it, Seonghwa face lit back up as a smile overtook his face and he squealed "I WAS ACCEPTED!!"

"WHAT!!" His mom jumped up from the couch before squealing and pulling Seonghwa into a hug. "I'M SO PROUD OF YOU MY STAR!" she said while squeezing the life out of Hwa. His father laughed, he too excited but only letting out a "Congratulations son," and joining in on the hug, smiling.

After they settled back down, they talked a bit more about what's going to happen next. There were some sad moments like Seonghwa's parents realizing Hwa is growing up and will soon leave them for a while. Seonghwa knew that most idols aren't able to see their families as much, the most being 2-4 times a year. But in the end, they had to come to an agreement and tried to make the most of it before Seonghwa got busy. They knew they had time until debut but with the pregroup, they weren't sure how it would work this time around.

Chapter Text

Over the next couple of days they texted a lot in the Group Chat, getting to become comfortable with each other. It was easy to do so seeing as most of them were already friends before that and because of Wooyoung. He got on everyone's good side by being annoying and cute at the same time. He even got Hongjoong to open up to him a bit more and don't tell anyone, but Seonghwa was a bit jealous of him. He wanted to have the same type of friendship with Hongjoong too.

It didn't take long for them to be called to the company again, but this time to do something as a pre debut group. The company had taken them to their new dorms to settle themselves in. KQ wasn't rich, the dorms were nice but there were only 3 bedrooms. 1 room had 4 beds and the other 2 were rooms with two beds. Yunho and Mingi took a pair room, San and wooyoung took the other pair room leaving Hongjoong, Seonghwa, Yeosang and Jongho to share the last room.

Fuck.

Seonghwa was so carried away with all of this he'd somehow forgotten his body was different from the rest of them. Not even when Showering did Seonghwa remember. How? He doesn't even know himself. It was like his brain was so used to avoiding mirrors and even looking down at his chest that he moved almost robotically, without a second thought about his body.

It wasn't until Mingi and San were walking around the dorms shirtless that Seonghwa remembered he couldn't do the same. FUCK BOOBS. FUCK LIFE. It wasn't fair.

Seonghwa had hid away in the bathroom before he broke down in front of them. They had just met; he doesn't want to break the bond they have now. If anything, Hongjoong and Seonghwa were finally getting used to each other, Hongjoong finally letting himself slip, he didn't want to ruin that. He had no idea if they would be supportive to him especially because they barely even knew more than the basics about each other.

Using the breathing exercises he learned from Chan, he managed to calm himself down. Only then did Seonghwa remember that he had truly missed his dear friend. it had been a long time since they last spoken, and he really wanted to talk to and gossip with him soon. He remembered that last time they had texted, Chan told him that they might debut in a couple months but to not tell anyone and so obviously, Chan was busy and Seonghwa was waiting for any news.

Seonghwa found himself smiling at the thought of his friend finally achieving his dreams after 7 years of being a trainee, and with amazing members. Chan told updated him on the members personality and even said there was another member from Australia like him in his group. It was nice hearing how excited Chan got. At first, Seonghwa thought Chan might have a crush on Felix but nope it's just a strong brotherly bond. Plus, Chan seemed to notice how Felix looked at Changbin ever since that picnic from the survival show. It was amusing to hear about the stories of them and how tired the other members were of them constantly dancing around each other like butterflies.

A knock on the bathroom door interrupted his thoughts. "Seonghwa-shi? Are you almost done?" he heard Hongjoongs soft voice ring out. Seonghwa-sh? wow. It really annoyed Seonghwa if he were to be honest. He thought they had known each other enough to call each other at least Hyung and Dongsaeng but I guess not.

Seonghwa got up, opened the door looking down to prevent Hongjoong from seeing his puffy eyes. "Sorry," Seonghwa bowed. "Nono it's okay" Hongjoong responded in an almost monotone voice. That's all before exchanged by them as Hongjoong entered the bathroom without a second glance.

Did Hongjoong hate him? Why did Seonghwa get treated like this by Hongjoong while the others get nothing but affection?

Negative thoughts quickly caught back up to him. He began to be snappy at the members unintentionally and Seonghwa always felt guilty because of it. Once, Seonghwa made Wooyoung tear up after yelling at him because of a mess he had left behind. That had been the breaking point of Hongjoong as he also snapped at Seonghwa for his behavior.

Hongjoong said some really nasty things at Seonghwa and Seonghwa believed every word of it.
So selfish. So bitchy. So god damn annoying. Only thing good at is yelling and ruining people's day. So hypocritical and should just leave or stay quiet.

Seonghwa couldn't handle these words any longer. It felt like he was trapped by the urge of wanting to receive something to almost act as his own punishment. He truly believed that he deserved to have some form of self-discipline and so he did something he never would do if he were in the right headspace

TW!!: descriptions of self harm!! Ends at the heart please scroll if triggered.

.

He cut himself after Hongjoong had left the dorm, angrily muttering to himself. The others were shocked at how angry Hongjoong got but they didn't comfort Seonghwa either. They thought Seonghwa needed time alone to think and didn't want him to snap at them either.

Seonghwa was left alone with his thoughts eating him up. He was crying but tried not to make much noise. He laid on the ground hugging himself tight letting his cries out softly. The annoying pain in his heart going into his stomach and fingers making him want to punch himself until it went away.

Eventually Seonghwa couldn't cry anymore, he felt empty. Hongjoong was an artistic person and had blades in the drawer for when he needed it for an art project. Seonghwa grabbed one from the pack and stared at it, void of emotions. He pulled his pants down slowly pushing the blade onto the skin of his thigh, enjoying the cold feeling before sliding the blade over his skin letting the blood dot up on his skin.

After every slice, Seonghwa felt a sense of relief wash over him. After about 7 he realized his mistake. They were pretty deep cuts and were starting to burn and bleed more. The blood began to slowly drip down the inside of his thigh and Seonghwa panicked. He felt guilty and began to cry again. He stood up quickly grabbing his phone before running to the bathroom inside the room. He searched up videos on how to clean up blood from cuts and how to prevent them from scaring up.

He followed the steps of the video carefully, luckily the cuts were kind of near the inside of Seonghwa's thighs so you couldn't really notice them if they do scar up, unless in an intimate situation. He covered them up with a bandage and hoped they felt better for tomorrow and their first day of schedule. He cleaned the bathroom up, putting the first aid kit away, hiding the blade and washing the blood off his hands.

♥️

Seonghwa decided to apologize to the members. He was a bitch to them over the last few days, and he knew that very well. It was like an unconscious decision that he went about through the days and he regretted it all so much. They didn't deserve to be his verbal punching bags for something his own head caused.

Seonghwa walked into the living room and all eyes went to him. Seonghwa looked down before speaking up. "I'm sorry... I've been a bitch over the past couple of days. I should've never taken out my anger of my own problems onto you guys. I wish I could go back and yell at myself to be quiet. Everything Hongjoong said is true and I should have been more aware of that," Seonghwa heard a little gasp, but he continued, "You guys don't deserve to be treated like shit, and I want to make sure it never happens ever again. You don't have to forgive me, but I want you guys to know that, yeah? I love you guys y'know, your guys are becoming like family, and I don't want to ruin that..." Suddenly Seonghwa was tackled by a crying Wooyoung and Mingi. "Hyung!!! I'm Sorry, please don't think of yourself like that... I'm sure you didn't mean to snap. It happens sometimes and yes it was unfair, but you are human, and I hope you are able to share some of the things you are dealing with, with us" said Wooyoung, his voice breaking slightly
"We love you Hyung" Mingi said and everyone else nodded in agreement before hugging Seonghwa too. That was enough for Seonghwa to burst into tears for the 4th time today.

Hongjoong smiled by the door, he'd been standing there for a while now, not wanting to interrupt Seonghwa's apology. He felt guilty for what he told Seonghwa and wanted to apologize himself too. He felt heartbroken when he heard that Seonghwa had actually believed his words and took them to heart.

Hongjoong decided to fix this mess and apologize. He didn't regret standing up for Woo, but he knew Seonghwa didn't mean to be so mean, and he felt like he could've reacted better. He went to the stores he could find open at this hour, bought Seonghwa a toothless plushie that reminded Hongjoong of him and some of his favorite Candy. It may have looked like Hongjoong didn't like Seonghwa much, but he did. In fact, a lot more than you would expect.

Hongjoong arrived back at the dorms, finding them all cuddled up on the couch asleep except for Seonghwa. "Seonghwa?" Hongjoong called in a soft voice. Seonghwa looked up with wide eyes, he didn't expect Hongjoong to approach him with such a soft voice after what happened earlier. "Hongjoong?.." he asked confused. "Can we talk?" Hongjoong replied with an uncertain voice, what if Seonghwa doesn't forgive me? he thought to himself.

Seonghwa was really shocked by this point. He couldn't hear any malice in Hongjoongs voice and it made him wonder what voice, was thinking in that pretty head. He realized he had been quiet for a coupld of seconds now, so he quickly whispered out a "Yeah"

Seonghwa stood up carefully placing Wooyoung's head onto Yunho's shoulder as he walked over to where Hongjoong stood before they both started walking to their shared dorm. Once they made it into the room and Seonghwa closed the door, Hongjoong quickly muttered out the first part of his apology. "I'm sorry Hwa," "What-" Seonghwa said, his eyes widening. "I'm so sorry for calling you all those things. You didn't deserve that... All that I said isn't true, you are amazing, I was just angry... That doesn't justify what I said but I want to make it up to you..." Hongjoong said, avoiding eye contact with Seonghwa. He looked up and found Seonghwa tearing up and gripping onto his arm tightly. It pained his heart to see Seonghwa look so hurt and guilty, he just wanted to do something that would help him feel better and so he pulled out the toothless plushie and gave him the snacks.

Seonghwa's eyes widened, and he couldn't stop his tears and smile from appearing on his face. He didn't feel deserving enough for this. He felt like he was the one who had to apologize in that way, not Hongjoong.

"These are my favorite Hongjoong-shi" Seonghwa muttered in awe. "Hongjoong is fine, I want to be friends!.. And yeah, I know I've noticed "Seonghwa nodded and smiled. This was progress to friendship and even if his head screamed out self-insulting words, he would never deny something he had craved for weeks now.

He took the snacks and the plushie before asking, "Would you like to watch a movie and eat the snacks?" He looked up to see Hongjoongs face which he could tell held a mixture of uncertainty and want. "Is that okay with you?" the other male asked, unsure if it would be okay. "Of course, You said you wanted to be friends!" Seonghwa said with a slight smirk making Hongjoongs doubt disappear and smirk back.

They ended up watching Harry potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2, it ended up with them cuddling surprising Seonghwa A LOT. Hongjoong was never a skinship type of person, so it was a surprise to Seonghwa when Hongjoong laid his head on Seonghwa's chest and threw his leg over him. Seonghwa internally panicked and hoped his binder flattened his chest enough that Hongjoong couldn't feel it. Thankfully Hongjoong never mentioned anything the whole night easing Seonghwa's nerves as time kept passing.

Hongjoong ended up falling asleep halfway through the movie leaving Seonghwa to cry at the ending by himself. Seonghwa found himself unconsciously stroking Hongjoong's head for comfort, unaware of the fact he was leading himself through the path of sleep. Both Hongjoong and Seonghwa ended up cuddling through the night, enjoying each other's warmth unconsciously.

Seonghwa was awoken to the sound of a camera click and Yeosang whisper yelling at Mingi for not turning the sound off. Seonghwa was about to sit up when he felt someone bury deeper into his side, making his torso hurt more than it already was.

"Hongjoongie?.. " Seonghwa winced at the pain in his chest "Wake up, the kids are here.." Seonghwa was still half asleep and in pain that he didn't even realize he had referred to KQ fellas as "the kids" "Kids-?..." Hongjoong replied sleepily before actually taking in his surroundings. He found Mingi and Yunho in the back with their phones out aimed at them, Yeosang frozen like a deer in headlights and Wooyoung trying not to laugh out loud. Jongho and San were peaking their heads out from the door enjoying the view before them with beaming eyes.

At the realization that they were watching them both, Hongjoong removed his hands from Seonghwa's waist slightly blushing making Seonghwa giggle. "I'm glad my hyung's made up!" Wooyoung said before throwing himself onto the bed causing Hongjoong to let out a sound of disapproval.

Ever since then, he and Hongjoong have been getting close enough to the point they were able to drop honorifics and refer to each other using nicknames. They didn't cuddle or have any more skinship moments which still bothered Seonghwa but what can he do? Maybe soon they'll get that comfortable but most importantly, Seonghwa will never fall asleep with his binder on ever again. It hurt like a bitch, and he couldn't wear a binder for the whole day. It made him feel bad and gross but luckily, he had a free schedule and decided to meet up with Chan. He wore a very baggy hoodie and some sweats that no one questioned. The only questions he got were, "Where are you going? With who? Who is Chan?" Can you guess who asked them?
Yup, Hongjoong. It made Seonghwa feel butterflies, Hongjoong being overprotective was everything.

He and Chan ended up ranting about their crushes over lunch, but no one has to know 😉

Chapter Text

It had been about a week or so since Seonghwa's little gossip date with Chan and honestly, Seonghwa had already missed the Aussie boy. Seonghwa's social life had been going down lately as his old high school friends began college or even working and really, he didn't feel like he could talk to his members on that personal level just yet.

Chan was basically his only friend and even if it was sad, Seonghwa honestly preferred it that way. He was super busy with vocal training and dance training that he barely even had time for his family. Just like now where he and the rest of the group were called to the company at around 7am. He knew that this either meant more training or someone did something wrong, so it was very worrying for Seonghwa. He was a little bit pissed at the fact they had to work so early in the morning, but it was the nature of the job, and there was nothing he could do but accept it.

Once they had arrived, they had quickly walked into the building greeting the passing staff members forgetting about their lack of sleep and heading straight to the chairman's office.

Seonghwa was the last to walk in the room and automatically he could feel the nerves creeping up on him. He took one look at the chairman's face and knew that the news was likely to be a bad one as he expected.

"We brought you guys here to discuss a very important matter that will affect your guys' future." the chairman said his face almost giving a look of disapproval. All of a sudden, his face lit up as he broke into a smile and announced, "You guys have been given the opportunity to train in Los Angeles!!" When the boys heard this, their frowns immediately left their faces as they burst out into cheers! "But-" They stopped making the chairman chuckle a little before continuing. "It's not going to be easy. You guys are going to be entered in 3 different dance classes and will work on vocal training. You guys will also be expected to film mini vlogs and produce short KQ fellas dance covers as a little act of self-promotion. The goal is to get enough training so that you guys are able to self-produce a Music video as a welcome into the kpop industry. I wish you guys the best of luck and don't worry; you guys will get breaks to enjoy LA as much as you can in the 3 months scheduled."

The boys were shocked and excited. They couldn't believe that the bad news they expected actually turned out to be some of the best news they could have received at the moment. Seonghwa could almost taste how close he was to achieving his dreams.

They all bowed and began to thank all the staff who gave then a smile and a bow back. But before they could all leave together for a team meal, the chairman suddenly spoke calling Seonghwa to stay back for a little moment. The members were clearly shocked and expectant, but they were sent away as the staff insisted that this was a private matter between Seonghwa and the CEO which received concerned glances from Hongjoong and Yunho.

"Sir?" Seonghwa questioned wanting to know if there was anything wrong. "I'm sorry to hold you back from your gathering but as you know we need a moment to discuss some precautions for you" The CEO explained as Seonghwa nodded. "I'm unsure if you have told the members yet but just in case you haven't or there is an emergency, we have appointed a female staff to go with you all so that you feel a bit more reassured and protected." Seonghwa was surprised at how understanding the CEO was, he felt almost a fatherly love coming from him and it was nice to have a form of reassurance from him. "--but Seonghwa you should tell them when you are ready. If you take too long, they may feel betrayed that you didn't tell them, and they had to find out another way. Of course, you shall take however long you'd like but be careful yeah? I've grown fond of you all." "Thank you so much for looking out for me sir! and I will consider your words. I know I should come clean but I'm afraid that it'll affect us, so I'll take more time to know their views before trying."

Seonghwa knew the chairman was right and he needed to do it soon, but his fears always won the best of him. Seonghwa was almost 70% sure that they would accept and support him, but Seonghwa is scared that it's going to change the way they see him. He didn't want any special treatment or for them to be uncomfortable near him, so he just had to be 95% sure before he even began to tell them.

Seonghwa bowed towards the manager and the staff before exiting to catch up with the rest of the fellas. They met at a little restaurant around the corner that sold very good bibimbap and was one of Seonghwa's favorite places to go. They all ate very well and were enjoying the conversation of what to do in America. They wanted to go to Universal Studios, and they wanted to explore Hollywood well. They would be leaving in a week, so they had time to pack up before then.

Time flew by quickly and before they knew it, it was the day to leave. Seonghwa made sure everyone had what they needed in their bags and decided to clean up a bit to calm his nerves. While Seonghwa was cleaning the members were filming the start of the vlog that would continue at the airport. After they finished recording that part of the video, Seonghwa finished up cleaning the room before going to his own part of the room. Seonghwa made sure everyone was busy or not paying attention to him as he pulled out about 4 chest binders and 3 pairs of bandages and placed them into a black bag under his clothes. After they were all ready, they headed to the airport.

-----

They made it to America at last. They were taken to a house near Hollywood and were given the task to split the beds of the house as there weren't enough for everyone. In order to decide they played a game of hide and seek (I don't remember who got where so imma just guess lol)

Seonghwa ended up sleeping on the couch next to the kitchen. This was kind of a good thing for him as he would be able to sleep without his binder comfortably.

They all settled down and thankfully they all wanted to rest. Seonghwa's back was starting to hurt, after all he has had his binder on for the past 15 hours, yeah that long.

The members all showered and headed to bed quickly leaving Seonghwa last for his shower. Seonghwa took a sports bra from his hidden pile of clothes and his pj's before entering the bathroom. He turned on the water to let the hot water come out before stripping and getting in, it felt nice on his sore skin. It helped remove some of the tension in his back, so Seonghwa stood under the running hot water for a while

Seonghwa knew he'd already been in the shower for a while so he made sure the mirrors were fogged up enough that he couldn't see his own reflection before getting out. He didn't want to see himself nor did he want to accidentally see his own breast.

He changed into baggy pj's and hoped no one would bother him at night. He laid down and covered himself up well on his upper body. He was about to drift off when he heard someone approach his bed.

His heart quickened in pace; he was scared but pretended to stay asleep. In hopes to cover his chest he turned his body and threw his leg over the top of the couch making the person approaching halt their steps. To make it look convincing Seonghwa snuggled his face into the corner of the couch next to his pillow.

He heard a little chuckle coming from the person approaching, hmm it sounded a little too familiar...

He felt a presence really close to the couch and then he heard the floorboards creak near his head. Then he felt a hand run through his brown hair, he hoped the other person couldn't feel how his body slightly tensed up before it relaxed once again.

"You look amazing even when sleeping... I wish I weren't such a coward and would actually grow the balls to tell you this when you are awake.." the man said in a soft and gentle voice.
Yup, Seonghwa was right, it was Hongjoong who was here. "I wish I could tell you how much I care for you and how much you actually mean to me.. You are my only Hyung, and I look up to you so much. There are times where I want to just cuddle with you all day, but I feel conflicted.. What if you don't want me to hug you? I've noticed how you seem to tense up when the others hug you and I want you to feel entirely comfortable with me before I do it, y'know- " Seonghwa felt himself drifting off to sleep for real this time. The soothing voice of Hongjoong and the hand running through his hair was all too comforting for him to resist the temptation of sleep.

Hongjoong paused and wanted to make sure Seonghwa was completely asleep before he said what he said. He knew Seonghwa was still awake but not far from sleep when he arrived.
Usually, Seonghwa would have his lips parted slightly, his eyebrows would slightly be furrowed in and his breathing would also be very evened out.

Once Hongjoong, heard his breathing level out he told him his true feelings
"Seonghwa..."

Chapter Text

"I like you.."

Hongjoong sighed before he stood up and went to bed. There he laid for about an hour trying to allow sleep to overcome him, yet it never happened. He began to get frustrated and restless and had no idea what to do. His mind raced with ideas but only one really captured his attention. Maybe he could get started with producing music for the group. They needed to make a song by the end of this trip so maybe this restless night is perfect for that.

Although, one issue was that it was nearing 2am and he was sure the other members were sleeping so there was no way he could produce at this hour. He tried to think of ideas one being the closet, but it was too risky so he decided maybe the car would be the best choice.

He grabbed all his needed materials which included his computer, a mic, and his headset and got dressed in warmer clothes. Once he was ready, he carefully snuck out the room and headed down stair towards the door. He gave a little glance to Seonghwa before opening the door and getting to the car.

Hongjoong worked on about 3 different beats for the song and really wrecked his brain because each one seemed to be missing something, but he didn't know what. In the end he decided that it was time to go the sleep, it was about 4am and he didn't want to wake Seonghwa up since he knew by this time Seonghwa was a very light sleeper.

Once morning came, Seonghwa was the first to wake up. He stretched and looked at the clock that marked 7am before getting up to clean the kitchen and living room when all of a sudden, the events from yesterday came flooding his head. Seonghwa blushed a deep red and was thankful no one was up yet or else he'd be questioned until his death, and he wasn't too sure they would like his answer.

Thinking about the members waking up, Seonghwa quickly decided to shower before them to be able to take his time. A grabbed his black binder, black shirt, and black sweats as today was the first day of filming vlogs in America.

Once Seonghwa finished his shower he found Yunho sitting on the couch half asleep.

"Hyungg," Yunho said in a whiney sleepy voice. "Hm?" Seonghwa answered as Yunho looked up with his eyes half closed "Im tiredddd" "Then go to sleep?" Now Seonghwa was just confused. "Mingi doesn't want to cuddle me, I can't sleep without cuddling" he said in a sad voice at the mention of Mingi. He noted that he needed to ask Yunho about this later. He didn't like the idea of them fighting when they were literally attached to the hip. It seemed too different and it would hurt Seonghwa to see them apart. "If I cuddle you will you go back to sleep??"

Yunho nodded his head up and down before getting comfortable on the couch.

Seonghwa laid next to him which was pretty difficult to manage as they are both tall and the couch was small. The only way to actually make it work is if Yunho laid half of his body on Seonghwa, which he did. Luckily, Seonghwa has been getting used to situations like this and panicked a lot less than before. He was still scared that people were going to feel his breast but after talking and trying with his mother before coming to America, he realized he had nothing to worry about.

In the end Yunho's arms were wrapped around Seonghwa and his leg was thrown over him. His head was also right under Seonghwa's chin, if looked from afar it would look like a tangle of limbs but it's just Yuyu and Hwa.
.
.
.

Hongjoong had woken up in the car with a pain in his back and neck. Remind him to never sleep in a car ever again... He put his music making things away before getting out of the car and into the house. He opened the door carefully to not make noise in case Seonghwa is still sleeping. To his surprise he saw who he assumed was Yunho and Seonghwa in what looked like an intimate situation.

From the angle the couch was from the door it looked like they were kissing.
(Seonghwa's head was facing down and it looked like Yunho was facing upwards.)

Hongjoong felt a surge of anger and jealousy, it was too much, he couldn't even think straight. He wanted to walk over and pull them both apart. He wanted to yell into something or even break things everywhere. Was he homophobic? That doesn't make sense Hongjoong is Gay too.

His fist was curled, and he was biting his lip hard. He was so far into his thoughts that he missed the fact both Hwa and Yunho were unmoving the entire time. He missed the fact their faces weren't even that close to each other. He missed the fact that if he were to walk closer he would see them both asleep.

Hongjoong couldn't stand looking at them any longer and walked up the stairs without a second glance back. Tch, why am I so angry about them? I don't care if they are dating. They have always been close so it shouldn't be surprising but why do I feel this way? I should be happy, right? Hongjoong thought.

He tried to brush off those thoughts and tried not to think about it anymore. He couldn't help it when the thoughts would come flooding in once again. It made his mood sour, he didn't like it.

Seonghwa awoke not long after Hongjoong's arrival, luckily he didn't sleep for too long with the binder on so he didn't feel pain like the other time. Seonghwa didn't want to wake Yunho just yet so he pulled out his phone and played a random game. It didn't take long for Yunho to wake up either. It was already 9am and Yunho usually woke up around this time.

"Good morning" Seonghwa said smiling while putting his phone away "Good morning Hwa, sorry I slept on you." Yunho mumbled. "Nono it's okay! I'm here for you! But if you don't mind me asking, You seemed sad when you mentioned Mingi earlier. Did something happen between you two..?" At that Yunho's happy face seemed to fall slightly before he spoke in a soft voice
"We got into a fight... We haven't been spending as much time with each other anymore and I got frustrated with him. I don't know if I was too pushy but he snapped. We ended up sleeping apart from each other but if I'm honest I got very little sleep." Yunho explained while twisting his fingers around while avoiding eye contact.

Seonghwa was surprised at the fact they would fight over something really simple, but he could see why Yunho would've been angry, he just doesn't understand why Mingi would overreact so badly. "Don't worry yuyu, he'll realize that it's just a little argument friends go through y'know?"

Yunho kinda grimaced at those word making Seonghwa question if he had said the wrong thing, but Yunho quickly cut his thoughts off "Seonghwa please don't tell anyone.."

"What-? What's wrong" Seonghwa asked concerned "Me and Mingi have been dating for a couple of months.. It's our first major fight.. I don't know what to do.." Yunho said his voice cracking as he buried his face into his hands. Thats when it clicked in Seonghwa brain how when they first met, Yunho was about to introduce Mingi in a different word before switching it to best friend. How could he miss something so obvious

"Oh Yunho... It's okay, I'm sure he'll come around y'know.. You guys are literally stuck to the bone. I highly doubt he'll be away for long... He's MIngi, he can't handle being away from those he loves for a long time." "Yeah, I sure hope so... Wait- You don't care that we are gay? You aren't mad?" Yunho looked up; his red eyes widened. "No, why would I get upset?" "Because we kept it a secret and i'm pretty sure if this gets out, we'd be in big trouble" Seonghwa sighed, "Not everyone is ready to announce their relationship so quickly. It's understandable that you didn't tell anyone especially since you met us not long ago. And plus, Im gay too!" He didn't like to see Yunho so afraid, but considering it Korea, he wasn't too surprised. Yunho looked surprised at that, but he smiled before throwing himself on Seonghwa pulling a grunt out of him

"What was that for?' Seonghwa asked. "Because now I have another trusted friend other than Mingi that can relate to me." Seonghwa smiled at that, but his head was thinking, 'what if he doesn't trust me after he finds out i'm trans?'

That's when Seonghwa decided to tell Yunho soon. He wanted to let Yunho in on his personal problems too like he did Seonghwa. He wanted to show Yunho that he trusted him too. Plus, it would be nice to have someone in the same group to know about him.

****

Hongjoong went into his temporary room for the next 3 months. He jumped face first onto his bed. He wanted to cry.. He felt a feeling in his heart, it felt like when you are on a rollercoaster and meet the drop. He felt dumb for feeling this way and he wanted it to stop.

Hongjoong tried to compose himself in order to prevent hurting the group with his bad attitude and he did quite well with that. He became distant and dry with Seonghwa, and the others hadn't seemed to notice. While at the dance classes, Seonghwa wanted to pair up with hongjoong for a duo dance competition, but he ignored Seonghwa's request. Instead, he paired up with Mingi, missing the sadness behind his and Yunho's eyes.

Mingi wanted to apologize to Yunho rightfully. It wasn't fair for Mingi and him to pair up to work on something like nothing had ever happened. Yunho deserved better, so Mingi had planned out something special and decided to keep his distance up until later on. He still tried to give Yunho little glances and slight smiles but only enough to reassure Yunho that not everything is ruined.

As a result, Yunho and Seonghwa paired up with each other as the others found themselves in their own pairs. Seonghwa and Yunho were happy that they were paired up. They felt comfortable with each other so that wasn't big of an issue to them.

But on the other hand, it was quite an issue to Hongjoong. He felt jealous seeing them close together. He didn't like the way Yunho would correct Seonghwa's posture for the dance they came up with. It seemed like Mingi had caught onto where Hongjoong's attention was going as he asked if everything was alright.

"Yeah sorry, I just feel weird"

Hongjoong didn't give much detail and so Mingi brushed it off until Hongjoong kept making errors in the dance they were practicing and started to get impatient. "Do you want to take a break and clear your mind a bit?" MIngi asked.

"Yeah sure" he briefly said before walking towards the dance instructor. They told the dance teacher who has been observing each team during their choreo practice who nodded and continued to help the others with their questions.

Mingi and Hongjoong walked outside to enjoy the nice wind of California blowing in their sweaty faces.

"Do you want to talk about what is distracting you so much? I'm sure talking about it will remove some of the pressure you have on your shoulders" Mingi offered. "Yeah I know, It's just dumb, I have no right to feel this way towards them" Mingi nodded. "Does it have to do with Yunho and Seonghwa?" Hongjoong didn't respond and Mingi knew he hit the jackpot "Did they pull something on you? I could talk to Yunho about it and I'm sure he'll stop" Hongjoong looked down and shook his head, "No they didn't, that's why I say I have no right to feel this way" Hongjoong felt bad that he was being so dry, but he didn't know how to handle his thoughts.

"I saw them kissing earlier this morning" Hongjoong said with a sigh "I'm supposed to be happy for them, right? But I'm not. I feel hurt.. I can't stand them together. I know it's not homophobia. I have nothing wrong with Gay couples, I'm gay too but just them two together I don't like." Hongjoong said looking out into the view.

Hongjoong didn't even care that he outed himself out in his rant nor did he see the ways Mingi's eyes welled up with tears. "A-are you sure you saw them... kissing..?" Hongjoong hadn't looked up at all during this talk so assumed the stuttering was because of shock.

"I mean I found them cuddled up on the couch with their faces facing each other and their faces looked too close not to be." Mingi stayed quiet, unaware of what to say. He felt heartbroken. He hoped Yunho wouldn't do that to him but sometimes you can't get what you hope for. "Imma go use the bathroom.." Mingi couldn't keep his tears in any longer he had to go. Hongjoong nodded, still looking out to the streets.

In order to reach the restroom Mingi had to go through the studio. He didn't want to see Yunho especially after hearing what he heard from Hongjoong. He entered the room and sped walked through the whole thing not looking back at the other members. He knew they were looking at him with confused stares, probably wondering why he looked so upset.

Mingi made it to the restroom and sat down in one of the stalls and let it all out. He cried and punched the wall of the stall ignoring the pain shooting up in his hand. He was so angry, sad, and he felt betrayed. Unfortunately, someone entered the restroom in the midst of his breakdown causing him to stop hitting the wall. "Mingi?..." Called out the voice Mingi both dreaded and loved to hear.

Yunho walked towards the 4 stalls in the restroom, finally seeing the one Mingi was in. "Oh princess... Why are you crying.." Yunho said, his face showing his worry. "Don't fucking call me that" Mingi stated harshly while standing up. "What-?..Princess, what's wrong?..." Yunho said getting extremely worried. Was this about their fight? Surely it couldn't have affected Mingi this much, right?

Yunho tried to get closer to Mingi before being slightly pushed back "DON'T TOUCH ME" Mingi said his brows furrowing and tears falling Yunho hated it when people yelled at him. He couldn't stop the tears from worry and hurt from falling "Princess, please talk to me.." Yunho said in a desperate tone "What's wrong? Did I do something?" Mingi just looked at him in anger and disbelief. How did Yunho have the audacity to cry and ask when he should've known what he did wrong. "GO BACK TO SEONGHWA YOU FUCKING CHEATER"

Mingi at this point couldn't see Yunho anymore, he wanted to have time to think things over. He pushed Yunho out of the stall door and walked out, roughly wiping the tears away. He left a heart broken Yunho behind. Yunho didn't know what to do. He fell onto his knees before he burst into tears. Fuck. fuck. Fuck.

Yunho was hysterical at this point, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't stop, he couldn't stop the pain in his chest. What did he do that made Mingi believe that he was cheating? He and Seonghwa haven't done anything with each other and nor will they ever.

Before he knew it, he was in Seonghwa's arms crying his heart out. What else was he supposed to do when the only person who has ever cared for him pushed him away so coldly.

"Breathe in, breathe out 1...2....3..."

Yunho tried it over and over again until he came back. "You're okay.. I got you..." Yunho wanted to cry again. What did Mingi mean about cheating? With seonghwa too? Seonghwa is very fine, Yunho won't lie but he's not Mingi, Yunho wants Mingi and no one else.

The staff decided to give KQ fellas the rest of the day off seeing how tense they all were. Once they arrived at the dorm Mingi stormed off into his room leaving Yunho and his teary eyes behind. Seonghwa felt terrible about everything, he still hadn't asked Yunho why Mingi blew up on him causing him to have a panic attack so he couldn't do much for Mingi to see how much he hurt Yunho.

Hongjoong on the other hand was very confused, was it because of what he told Mingi about Yunho and Hwa? Was Mingi Homophobic? No, that wouldn't make sense... he's sure that Yunho would have already came out to Mingi long before seeing how attached they were...and Mingi would have been acting like that to him, Seonghwa and Yunho altogether. Did Mingi like Seonghwa? No, did Mingi like Yunho..?

Chapter Text

Chapter 9: Fix on

Fucking shit. Hongjoong realized that maybe Mingi liked Yunho and this hurt him because Yunho kept it from him and because of obvious reasons. Hongjoong needed to fix the 6 year friendship before it all goes to hell. Maybe even set them up together if Mingi does like Yunho.

Hongjoong was still hurt by Seonghwa but he had no right to be and he needed Seonghwa, Now. Hongjoong ran over to Seonghwa before grabbing his wrist and dragging him upstairs to his own room, not leaving any room for Seonghwa to protest.

“Okay Seonghwa I need to know what the fuck is going on.”
“What do you mean?-”
“Oh- cut the crap!-” He didn’t mean to sound so mean
Seonghwa was hurt, “Hongjoong I’m just as confused as you are, well maybe a little less.”
“What do you mean by a little less! Are you not dating Yunho?! Well surely you must know something about the tension between your boyfriend and his best friend. Unless your boyfriend is keeping secrets.” He didn’t mean to let his jealousy slip into his words..
“Woah! What the fuck… I'm not dating Yunho!! We are just friends I promise! Where did that even come from..?”
Hongjoong let out a loud sigh of relief for 2 reasons. 1 he still has a chance, 2 Mingi has a chance too.

“That's good…”
“What do you mean that's good!? Are you jealous?”
“No! Fuck off! This is about Yunho and Mingi”
Ouch…
Is it bad that Seonghwa wanted Hongjoong to say yes??
“Okay this is getting more confusing. What do you know about Mingi and Yunho Joong? Why did you think me and Yunho were dating? You didn’t tell Mingi that did you..?
“I know that Mingi probably likes Yunho, and yes I might have said something about you and Yunho to him. But since now I know you guys aren’t dating I want to know If you guys were actually kissing on the couch the other day?”
“Ew no! We fell asleep and we are just friends, nothing more. And shit if you told Mingi that explains more about the problem”
“How? What don’t I know?”
“Hongjoong.. Don’t tell anyone else, okay? I'm trusting you. Yunho and Mingi have been dating for a couple of months now. That day they had gotten into their first big argument so Yunho came to me for comfort as he felt like I wouldn’t judge him. He trusted me with his problems and I hope he still does. But Now I think since you told Mingi what you thought you saw.. Mingi believes Yunho cheated on him.. With me..”
“FUCK! I messed up… I’m so selfish!.. I'm so sorry… Hwa” Hongjoong looked incredibly guilty.
“It’s okay you didn’t know.. We will fix this okay! And don’t apologize to me, apologize to them..”
Ah there you go, the supportive Hwa Hongjoong adores quite dearly. Get it together Hongjoong!! There's no time to be smitten

They both came up with a plan on how to get them into a room together with the filming supplies ready to project the video onto the wall. Seonghwa remembered he had turned on the camera thinking he’d be able to film a mini vlog when Yunho came in. Seonghwa had forgotten all about that camera up until Hongjoong mentioned finding proof for Mingi to believe in Yunho

“Okay send Yunho a text and I’ll text Mingi, make sure to tell him to meet you where we revise the videos before posting”
“Yeah, Don’t worry”

Favorite Hyung <3: Yunho can you meet me in the video room? I have something important to tell you
Soft Giant: Yeah, I’m on my way, please bring sour candy… If it’s about what I think we are going to talk about. :/
Favorite Hyung <3: got it.

***

Captain: Mingi? Can we talk? I know you probably won’t want to but it’s very important!! Meet me in the video making room please (ps. It’s about the production work, KQ wants us to make modifications and wants us to revise soundtracks)
Mangi: Okay.. Is Yunho in the dorm?
Captain: No, he went out for a walk not long ago. He looked sad..
Mangi: oh..
Mangi: I’ll be down in 5
Captain: okay

Once they got them both to agree they smiled and gave each other high fives. They didn’t realize they had been staring at each other for a while until
*ding

It was Seonghwa’s phone

Soft Giant: I’m here are you coming
Favorite Hyung <3: sorry I got caught up with something.. I'm going now.
Soft Giant: no worries.

“Fuck we have to hurry,” said Seonghwa
“Yunho is there and I highly doubt Mingi isn’t already on his way,” he said looking back at Hongjoong.
They both stood up and ran down the stairs, careful not to miss any steps but fast enough to get down in 10 seconds.
Seonghwa walked into the room with his phone in hand while Hongjoong waited outside for Mingi.

They had planned to have Seonghwa meet Yunho inside and then pretend he forgot something when Hongjoong sends him a message. After that, Seonghwa would walk out and Hongjoong would tell Mingi to wait for him inside because he needed to talk with Hwa. Once Mingi was in, they would lock the door so that neither of them could get out and play the video through the projector. Hopefully after that they would make up and go back to being all cuddly.

“Ah Yunho I’ll be back I forgot your candy”
“You don’t have to Hyung”
“No no it’s okay, as long as it helps you feel better I’ll get it for you” Seonghwa said with a light smile, Yunho returning one back.

Seonghwa walked out of the room seeing both Hongjoong and Mingi as planned.
“Sorry I'm done with the room if you guys need it. “
“Ah thank you Seonghwa,”
Mingi didn’t say anything to Seonghwa; all he did was give him an angry glare that honestly scared him.

“Mingi go ahead into the room and set up what you can, I need to ask him something”

Mingi nodded at Hongjoong, he wanted to get things over with so he can stay in his room again so might as well get things started rather than waste time.
Mingi was unaware of Hongjoong simply hiding with Seonghwa behind the corner of the hall. The moment Mingi was in the room they ran to the door and accidentally slammed it very hard pulling yelp from both of the tall giants in the room.
“SORRY!!” Seonghwa yelled from the door.
“I’m sorry for locking you guys in but you need to talk things out y’know.”

If it were any other situation they would have given them time to figure it out by themselves but in this case it’s a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared.

“Fuck..” Mingi muttered under his breath.
He turned to find Yunho biting his lips with teary eyes, something he does when he's sad. Mingi wanted to pull him into his arms but he couldn’t… He felt angry and hurt, he wanted to yell and destroy everything in the room.

Mingi couldn’t do that, he knew Yunho hated that type of stuff and he didn’t want to hurt Yunho more. As a result, Mingi settled in a corner leaving Yunho in the middle of the room. Yunho didn’t want to cry in front of Mingi, he didn’t want to seem weaker, if he did do something wrong he wanted Mingi to trust him fully without pity.

Yunho sat in the other corner across the room hiding his face in his arms while Mingi sat staring off into the distance. They both could still hear Seonghwa and Hongjoong bickering about a video not playing.

“Princess?..” Yunho tried softly only to be ignored by Mingi.
Silent tears fell from Yunho’s eyes but were quickly disregarded when a video started playing, Yunho wiped his tears away and turned his attention to the video.
Mingi had also begun to watch the video but was planning on looking away after rolling his eyes once he realized it was Seonghwa in his Black clothes after his shower.
“DON’T LOOK AWAY” Hongjoong yelled from the door
“PLEASE TRUST ME!!” he added.
It was like they read his mind. Mingi decided to trust his Hyung as he had found out what he believed to be the truth from him and kept watching. Soon he saw Yunho walking into frame.
He believed that the cheating part was about to come up and stood up abruptly before walking to the door.
“What are you planning Hongjoong!? I don’t want to see the man I love kiss another guy!!”

He was banging on the door, angry tears running down his face
He missed the fact Yunho had fallen back to the corner muttering ‘he’s not here’ over and over again with his hands on his ears.
“FOR FUCKS SAKE WATCH THE VIDEO! SEONGHWA TURN THE VOLUME UP”
“IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE-”
He was cut off by the sound of Yunho’s sad voice in the video talking about how Mingi didn’t want to cuddle and Seonghwa allowing him to cuddle him instead
Mingi had stopped banging on the door instead looking at the video seeing Yunho and Seonghwa cuddle up with each other

“Please stop it..” Mingi’s broken voice said.
“Hwa, Skip to when I walk in”

That's when Mingi saw them both just cuddled up, fast asleep, faces not even near each other. Mingi’s eyes widen
“W-what..?”
“Mingi, I messed up… I thought they were kissing but it turns out they weren’t. Seonghwa was offering Yunho advice and they fell asleep in each other's comfort…” Hongjoong said from outside the door.
Then the video skipped more ahead where Yunho had told Seonghwa about their relationship
“I never wanted to cause any problems between you guys… I’m sorry if it’s our fault.. You can be mad at us if you want to because you have all the right to do so…” Seonghwa said.
Mingi shook his head, despite them not being able to see him.
“It’s not any of your faults, Hongjoong Hyung told me what he thought he saw, he didn’t mean to tell a lie and you were just there for Yunho when he needed someone the most…”
“Go make it up to Yunho,” he heard Seonghwa say.

Mingi finally turned to face Yunho only to find him curled up into a ball with his ear covered.
Once Mingi realized the state Yunho was in, he rushed over to his side, careful not to alarm Yunho.
“Honey..? It’s me, your princess.. Can you hear me…?”
“He’s not here, he’s not here, he’s not here… Is he here?-...”
“Sunshine… Can I touch you…?”
Yunho shook his head no, not even taking a glance at who was talking to him.
“Baby, Look at me, you are okay… He is not here anymore. You are safe… Your princess is here”
“Princess?...”
Yunho seemed to realize who he was as he had slowly lowered his hands and peaked open his eyes to confirm.
“Princess!..” Yunho burst out crying before launching himself into Mingi’s arms.
“I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I’m sorry! Please don’t leave me again… I don’t want to go back to him… Please!!” Yunho said in a broken voice.
“I’m not leaving you behind Sunshine, I’ll never leave you… He’ll never get to lay a hand on you ever again… Not as long as I live.” Mingi said while rocking Yunho in his arms, not letting his tears fall from his eyes.

MIngi rubbed Yunho’s back, his soft hiccups and sniffs filling the silent room.
“You are my sunshine… My only sunshine…” He sang as he rubbed Yunho’s back to calm him down.
“You make me happy, when skies are gray…” His voice slightly cracked, making Yunho look up at him.
“You’ll never know dear~, how much I love you” Mingi’s hand was placed on Yunho’s cheek as he looked into his eyes with so much adoration.
“Please don’t take… my sunshine… away….”
Mingi brought Yunho into a soft kiss, a tear finally escaping his eyes as he closed them. Neither of them wanted to break apart, all their unspoken emotions being poured into this kiss. Once they did, Yunho smiled at Mingi, this time happy tears running from each other's eyes.
“Mingi I love you” Yunho said, bringing Mingi into another kiss, this one being shorter than the previous one.
“I love you too, my sunshine” Yunho smiled sweetly towards Mingi as he snuggled closer
They stayed in each others arms forgetting about the world around them... all that mattered to them in this moment was each other.

Chapter Text

Chapter 10: FUCK-
Seonghwa and Hongjoong had left Yungi makeup in private. They decided to head to Hongjoong’s temporary room to chill and have a break from all the drama. Once they arrived, Hongjoong threw himself on the bed making room for Seonghwa to do the same.

Seonghwa laid on the bed, letting out a sign at the feeling of his back unwinding. They laid there in silence for a couple of minutes before Hongjoong spoke.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I even told Mingi in the first place, If only I were to keep my mouth shut none of this would have happened”
“It's not your fault Hongjoong…-ssi?”
“I told you Seonghwa, we should be friends so why do you still add the -ssi at the end…”
“I’m sorry I still was unsure whether I was still allowed to address you like that.. I thought that maybe you thought I caused too many issues and so you didn’t want to continue our friendship”
“Tch- You may be dumb but we are still groupmates. It’s best to be friends with everyone rather than just ignore each other.”
Is it bad that Seonghwa felt hurt at that statement?

Welp he did, but luckily he was able to talk it out with Chan late at Night which is the afternoon in Korea, before it got worse. They talked for a while before Seonghwa decided to remove his binder, letting out a deep sigh..
“Fuck.. its getting harder to wear one every single day..”

That’s when the biggest complications began. Seonghwa was beginning to have back problems and it was getting harder to ignore the soreness in his chest when dancing in his binder for the past 13 hours. Weeks passed and it was already their last month in America, they had visited Hollywood and seen the famous star road and they had gone to Universal studios. The training was getting harder as they prepared the KQ fellas performances to post over the next couple of months to announce their debut.

This day of training was the worst from the whole time. Seonghwa was getting stomach pains that he hasn’t felt since he started getting testosterone shots. He couldn’t bring any shots with him on the trip as he simply wouldn’t have enough time nor privacy to actually take one. He would have also run out pretty quickly as it’s not easy to prepare 3 months worth of shots in advance.

He had to push through the stomach pain not wanting to push back any progress the group could be making. Once they finished for the day, Seonghwa couldn’t handle it anymore, the pain becoming unbearable. He leaned on Yunho and Mingi for support, clutching his stomach tightly, trying to ease the pain a bit. Soenghwa could see the concern they had but he brushed it off as a really bad stomach ache.

They seemed to believe him and offered to buy medicine at a local pharmacy, which Seonghwa had said no to. He didn’t want them to waste money on something that’ll probably go away tomorrow.

When tomorrow came, Seonghwa wanted to end it right then and there. He felt his behind wet and feared he might have fallen for the toilet dream but when he stood up he realized it’s not pee but blood. Seonghwa started his period.. He hadn’t had one for almost 3 years now ever since he began taking testosterone.

Seonghwa had made sure this wasn’t supposed to happen. He searched it up and it said if he was off testosterone his period would come back in a few months. It has only been 2 months since he stopped for the trip to America so why was it back so soon?

FUCK! What is he going to do now? He can’t go around without any pads and bleed through everything nor can he bring pads inside the house, he would be caught. Seonghwa wanted to cry forever, the stomach pain coming and going and the gender dysphoria was coming over him. He needed to tell someone NOW. He didn’t want to snap nor did he want to cause any problems now that they are so close to finishing training.

Seonghwa stood as he ran his hand through his hair pondering on what to do first that’ll keep him away from a mental breakdown. Luckily, Seonghwa has been an early bird for a while now and was the only one awake. Yunho wasn’t going to wake up much later so he had to work fast.
Seonghwa grabbed his stained blanket and put it in the washer. He let the blankets wash and went back to make sure there was no stain on the couch. Thank goodness for Seonghwa’s habit of putting thick blankets under him while he slept. There was no stain but now he had something else to worry about. His clothes. How was he going to get rid of the stain from his gray sweatpants?

He grabbed his phone from the charger, his eyes teared up, as he bit his lip. He grabbed his new change of clothes and another small tool.
He was overwhelmed, it felt like he was at the brink of a panic and at the brink of tears. He called his most trusted manager to bring him some pads and tylenol to which she said of course to. She had also told him to take a break for today, tomorrow, and the day after that. She knew those were the hardest days of the whole week and could not imagine how drastic the change from no period for 3 years to a really painful one.

He thanked her many times before they hung up so that she could gather everything she needed for him.
Seonghwa wiped his eyes with his hands before placing his phone on the bathroom counter and his clothes on top of the toilet seat. With shaky hands he removed his shirt and pants careful not to smear any of the blood around. He placed the dirty clothes into a bag so that he can wash them separately from the rest

Once he got to his binder he knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. His chest felt sore at touch and it was hard when the binder would press deeply into one area. He was so close at ripping the binder off with only scissors but he couldn’t do that.

TW!! Panic attacks and Self harm. Ends at heart

Once he finally got it off, he accidentally looked at his reflection in the mirror. He couldn’t make himself look away. He walked closer to the mirror and looked down at his body, unaware of the tears falling from his eyes as he traced the figure of his breast down his body. He hated this, he felt too emotionally detached from everything and wanted to hide from everyone. He wanted to cut them off already; he wanted to just tear them off his body. He was so blinded by his anger and sadness that he didn’t realize he fell into a panic attack. It looked like the room was closing in on him; his eyesight was blurred with tears as he fell to the floor, his chest feeling like it was caving inwards as he struggled to breathe. He grabbed the small too, sat with his back against the wall and placed it against the inside of his thighs, making sure he felt the poke before slicing it over his already semi bloody thighs. He wanted to feel in control of at least something and this was the only thing his blurred up mind could think of.

He cut and cut and cut until he felt himself coming back to his natural state. Before he knew it he had cut 10 deep cuts on his thighs all of the bleeding adding onto the bloodied mess even more. Once he felt he could breathe normally he dropped the blade to the side and sat there, void of his emotions, just letting the tears bottled up come out.

He brought his knees up to his chest and placed his shaky hands on his eyes. He couldn’t do it anymore, he didn’t want to die but he wanted to disappear where no one could find him unless he wanted to be found.

<3
(if you are triggered by mentions of blood or the mention of cuts please continue down to the happy face )

After about 5 minutes of silently crying, Seonghwa stood up and walked to the shower. He turned the warm water on and first removed the blood from his hand. He moved onto the mess of his thighs, where he gently washed off the blood that hadn't dried with his hands; the water under him turning into a dark shade of pink.

Seonghwa knew that he’d have to remove the dried blood somehow and decided to just take the stinging pain now rather than later. This was his least favorite part of having to clean off the cuts, it hurt a lot especially with the pressure of the water constantly hitting the cuts directly.

Finally he got the cuts cleaned off and moved onto washing his body. He cleaned his body thoroughly and made sure he’d remove all traces of any blood from it. Finally he cleaned his hair and turned the water off.

Thankfully, Seonghwa’s towel is black and the blood won't be noticeable when he dries his body off. He made sure he was well dried before sitting down on the toilet seat. No, he didn’t sit on the closed toilet seat, he made sure to open it in case any accidents happen. He realized he didn’t think it through and his manager wouldn’t have a way to enter the house. Shit. He wanted to cry again

😀

At that time he heard someone walking down the stairs and he had hope. Maybe this was the sign to finally let someone in his group know his secret.
“Yunho?” he tried
He heard someone approaching the door
“Hyung?”
“Yunho I can’t come out yet but I promise I'll explain to you once I get out. I need you to do me a huge favor.”
“Mhm i’ll try my best hyung”
“Thank you.. When someone knocks on the door please open it and bring it to me here. If anyone wakes up make sure they can’t see what you bring to me. Please don’t think anything different. If you see what it is, I'm still your hyung no one else.”
“Hyung you're scaring me. As long as it's nothing bad I won’t judge you..”
“Don’t worry Yunho.. It’s nothing bad and I’m sure you’ll have an idea on what it is once you see it. I wanted to tell you in person but I guess I’ll have to settle down like this.”

Almost like time was reading their minds, there was a knock on the door not long later.
“Imma go open it Hwa I’ll be back..”
“Thank you..’

Yunho walked toward the door and was honestly surprised to see the manager waiting in front of the door.
“Oh-! Is Seonghwa here?” she asked, shocked.
“Yes, he told me someone was going to knock but didn’t tell me who”
“Oh do you know?”
“Know what?”
“Nevermind” she quickly said even though her face clearly showed regret
“Here please take this and don’t look at it until he’s ready to show you.”
“Okay, thank you?..” Yunho said honestly, confused.

The manager nodded and waved goodbye giving him a whole bag of goods.
Yunho stayed true to his word and simply closed the bag without peaking in and knocked on the door.

“Seonghwa? I have the stuff”
Seonghwa stood up and opened the door to where only his arm was in view to grab the stuff.

“Thank you!”

Yunho stood by the door for a while in confusion but sat down to wait for Seonghwa once he got things together. It didn’t take long for Seonghwa to come out of the bathroom. Seonghwa sat next to Yunho and once Yunho managed to get a good view of Seonghwa he noticed how disheveled he looked. Seonghwa’s eyes were bloodshot and his face was puffy. You could tell seonghwa was crying badly. It made Yunho’s heart hurt at the thought of his hyung crying.
“Seonghwa..Are you okay?.. Can I hug you?”
“Yes please…” Seonghwa said before breaking down once more. Seonghwa was scared this may be the last time Yunho gives him a hug and he wanted to take advantage of it.

Yunho moved closer to Seonghwa before pulling his body into his own; Seonghwa head in between Yunho’s neck and chest. They sat there in each other's embrace for a while, Yunho letting Seonghwa pour his feelings out.

“I'm sorry Yunnie.. I wet your shirt..” Seonghwa said, wiping his eyes as he pulled away.
“No no it’s okay I don’t mind. I’ll always lend my shoulder for you to cry on.”
Seonghwa smiled at that slightly only for it to fall when he realized that the offer won’t stand for longer once Yunho finds out, or so he thought.

“Yunho..? It’s okay if you’re disgusted with me or if you don’t want to be near me any longer, I’ll completely understand. I get that not everyone is open to this idea but really really hope you don’t see me differently. I'm still and will forever be your Hyung as long as you let me be…”
“Woah woah, you’re okay, nothing will make me feel like that towards you unless you are a rapist, zoophile, pedo, creep, etc. You get the point.”
“Yunho.. I- I- FUCK! Why can’t I say it” Seonghwa said, frustrated.
“Take your time!.. If you aren’t ready it’s okay”
“No! I want to tell you.” Seonghwa said, looking into Yunho’s worried filled eyes.
“Yunho I’m, I‘m Trans… Female to male…”
Seonghwa couldn’t bear looking at Yunho’s reaction, afraid at what he'd see so he turned his head towards the ground.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to see me-”

Seonghwa was pulled into a hug that he didn’t expect.
“A-are you not mad at me..?” Seonghwa said, his eyes tearing up again.
“Why would I be mad?.. I’m glad you were able to tell me. I’ll never be grossed out by it. In fact, my dad is Trans too. He and my papa met in high school, at that time my dad was barely figuring himself out and my papa came crashing down in his life. My dad and papa fell in love and my papa helped my dad with his transition. Of course they wanted to have a child of their own blood so my dad decided to go through with the pregnancy, which is why I'm here. Now he is fully transitioned and living happily with my papa”
“Wow… I had no idea.. “
“But the point is they taught me never to discriminate and to be accepting, I’ll never see you differently. You are still my handsome Seonghwa Hyung!”
Seonghwa smiled brightly towards Yunho, pulling him into a hug once more.
“Thank you, Thank you”

“Also if you don’t mind me asking what did the manager bring you? You don’t have to answer.”
“Oh- uh- they are pads” Seonghwa said in a quiet voice
Yunho seemed to realize as his eyes widened in surprise slightly, his ears turning red.
“Oh!- I’m sorry if you felt awkward telling me that-.. Uhm- does that mean-”
Seonghwa nodded
“That must be terrible. Will you be practicing with us? Won’t it be hard?” His voice full of concern
“No I won’t, It’s worse than what it should be like, especially because it's been years since my last one. I am going to be excused with the excuse of a health condition” Surprisingly Seonghwa didn’t feel uncomfortable sharing this information with Yunho. In fact, he felt as if Yunho was the most understanding person he’s ever met that is capable of knowing everything

“If you need anything hyung please let me know. I’m your best friend or at least I hope I am, I’m here for you for whatever. I’m happy you trusted me and don’t feel embarrassed okay? I won’t judge you nor will I tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me.”
“Thank you. I’ll make sure to let you know if I need anything. It’s nice to have at least someone who knows.. It was sort of getting to me… but I’m okay now,”
“I’m glad that it’s getting better but one last question,”
“Go for it,”
“Is it okay if I tell Mingi that you are sick with something really bad so that he doesn’t question you much throughout the week? Y’know how he is, he’s like a child that is constantly asking ‘why?’ after everything you say”
Seonghwa laughed at that and nodded.
“That's completely fine! And that’s so true. I remember not long ago I was on the couch and he came up to me and told me ‘according to the bible or whatever god made humans in the view of himself.’ Which confused the hell out of me but he continued to explain how early humans looked closely like monkey’s. At the end of his rant he asked me, ‘So if humans were made the way God is, if there is even one, would he look like a monkey like early humans did?”
“Bro what- “
“That’s what I said!- I haven’t even read the bible so I was left confused for a while. Right after that he just left, not even giving me time to process. “
“Mingi hasn’t even read the bible either, how would he know-?”
“I don’t know man, he’s just so out of the blue”

Almost like on queue, Mingi walked in with messy bed hair and his eyes half closed.
“What are you guys talking about?” He asked, sitting down on Yunho.
“We’re talking shit about you” Yunho said snaking his hands around Mingi’s waist
“Rude”
“Get a room” Seonghwa said jokingly as he went to hide the bag deep in his suitcase, wincing at the feeling when standing up.
“You’re just mad you’re single- OUCH THE FUCK”
Mingi glared at Yunho who had pinched the side of Mingi’s stomach hard causing both Yunho and Seonghwa to laugh at him.

Slowly the members began to wake up and fill in the living room. They were all having a good time and Seonghwa had almost forgotten all his difficulties up until wooyoung decided to throw himself on Seonghwa, accidentally hitting his stomach and thighs pretty hard. (mostly stomach)
“Shit!”
“Seonghwa Hyung I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it! It was an accident” Wooyoung said with a guilty look after getting off of him. Everyone in the room looked concerned and worried for Seonghwa who looked like he was in pain.
“It’s okay woo. You didn’t mean it..” Seonghwa said, forcing out a hopefully reassuring smile as he gripped his stomach
“I need to use the restroom,” Seonghwa said.

(Mentions of self harm wounds!!! and his period? Ends at heart)

Seonghwa had felt the annoying gush come out when wooyoung jumped on him. It had been a while since he had stood up so it made sense for the blood to pile? And suddenly come out after a larger force is placed on his abdomen.

Yunho had seemed to notice his internal debate of whether to stand up or not as he stood up and playfully jumped on wooyoung bringing him down to the floor softly distracting the other members.

As the Members all pretended to attack wooyoung for hurting their hyung, Seonghwa went to the restroom. He didn’t know if he leaked a bit or not but it sure felt like he did. He didn’t want the members to see in case he did but thanks to Yunho they wouldn’t know.
Seonghwa quickly cleaned himself up and did what he needed to do.
Luckily, Seonghwa kept an extra pad on him so that he wouldn’t struggle to get one in situations like this. He also decided to clean up the wounds he made not long ago to prevent them from scaring up. It burned when he washed the dried blood off with water but what can he do? He then took a bandaid and covered what he could.

<3

Once he was finished he went back to the members only to receive another apology from Wooyoung to which Seonghwa responded with a hug. They quickly made up and Seonghwa let them know he was feeling sick. They understood and let him get his rest and didn’t push him much throughout the whole time.

Luckily the week passed by with less difficulties especially with Yunho covering and being emotional support for Seonghwa. The rest of the members, who thought he was sick, would pamper him with so much love and support that Seonghwa felt so touched and accepted. Although, there is one particular person that made Seonghwa’s belly erupt in butterflies every time he would show his care for him.

Kim Hongjoong

He loved it when Hongjoong would show his care for Seonghwa. He was a tsundere; he would never admit he cared for the older in words but rather little actions. He would bring Seonghwa tylenol for the headaches and stomach aches Seonghwa had. He would also buy some of Seonghwa’s favorite snacks and take-out. He would make sure Seonghwa was warm enough and the room was dark to help his headaches.

Yup, Seonghwa now had a room. Hongjoong gave Seonghwa his room so that he doesn’t have to suffer sickness on the couch all day. Hongjoong was now staying in the living room but would spend a lot of time with Seonghwa using the excuse of “I work better here.”

Seonghwa didn’t mind as he was still able to be without a binder for the most part as he would lay under the blankets all day with bad cramps and a slightly sore chest.

But finally the horrendous week passed just in time for pure fun and freedom and to spend the last 2 weeks in America amazingly. They went to Universal Studios again and went out to eat in fancy restaurants almost everyday.They traveled through Santa Monica, Downtown Disney, etc. Sadly, it was time to return back to Korea but that would also mean they are debuting soon!!

Their debut is planned near the end of October, possibly the 20-30th. It was currently the beginning of August so they decided to work really really hard. They already filmed their KQ fellaz dance covers and their mini music video “from” and now they were recording their debut songs. In America, they practiced the songs called Pirate king and Treasure. It was quite hard at first but now with the help of Wooyoung and the choreographer they got the hang of it. Over the next 2 and a half months they recorded the Music video for both songs and before they knew it it was time.

Chapter Text

Chapter 11: October 24, 2018. VERY SHORT

Thanks to whatever is out there, Seonghwa didn’t get his period again. It allowed him to efficiently get through the hard schedule and avoid really bad gender dysphoria. Today it was D-D and they were ready for the debut shows and music videos planned for later today.
Seonghwa was dressed in a white turtle neck with a black vest over it, black pants and platform boots. He had many decorative jewelry like chains and necklaces. Once all the members were dressed in their outfits for the stage later they began to wait for the premier which was in 30 minutes.

They decided to wait another 30 minutes after release to fully get the most in a short time. In the end they spent an hour before being able to actually watch the video. They were happy with the way the video came out and were excited to see what their fans have said.
Hongjoong read some of the comments out loud but tried to avoid the haters as best as he could.
“The visuals are Beautiful”
“Seonghwa’s eyebrows are on fleek”
“THE RAP THE DANCE THE VISUALS EVERYTHING IS PERFECT”

Those were to most general replies but as they scrolled more and more they got to the bad part

“Untalented, it feels like my ears are going to fall off.”
“Seonghwa looks so ugly”
“Yeosang is lacking. He’s probably a filler member.”
“Wooyoung can’t even dance right”
“San’s head is big”
“Mingi is ugly”
“Seonghwa looks so unkept”
“I can’t believe I wasted my time watching them as kq fellaz only to get this.”

Hongjoong tried not to let them see it but they were able to read some when he tried to scroll away. Eventually they ran into one that said
“Tch so that's where the bitch went. I’m coming for you ‘seonghwa’ or should i say hwaseong”

Hongjoong’s mood was ruined when he saw that and turned the phone off. He didn’t know why they would flip Seonghwa’s name and call him Hwaseong but he brushed it off as the hater trying to pick at everything and piss them off.

But when Seonghwa read it he panicked. Who was that? How did they know? Are they from my old school? That would mean….

“Yeon-su…”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They finished their performances in no time and Seonghwa was finally able to let his thoughts catch up to him. He decided to talk with Yunho about it before anything went bad like the other day.

“Yunho?”
“Hey!... You okay?” Yunho said, concern lacing his voice.
“I think she’s coming for me…”
“W-what? Who is?”
“My bully… from my old school.” Seonghwa said in a low voice.
“What makes you think that?”
“The comment from our video… she called me by my dead name. It must be her!..” He was panicking now.
“Woah woah you’re okay!... I'm sure she won’t be able to do much. Tell the company or maybe tell the members so that if she does say something they won’t feel betrayed. She won’t get the outcome she wants Hwa… You are strong and you got this” Yunho said before continuing
“Of course there is no pressure but if it gets worse please don’t stay quiet… I’m here for you!..” Yunho finished, bringing Seonghwa into a hug as Seonghwa cried.

SO Yeon-su is back!... Its short but ill probably post more soon Hope you like it let me know how I can improve lol

Chapter Text

Chapter:12: Yeon-su

Seonghwa decided to tell the members if she continued to harass him. He would talk to Yunho and Chan about what he should do and when he should do it. He always got the response of “Whenever you feel comfortable” or “You’ll know when the time is right.” It would frustrate Seonghwa more because he had no idea of what to do.

One night as Seonghwa was hiding away in his shared room with Hongjoong his phone rang. Someone had sent him a message..
He looked at the message notification only to see a random number had sent him something.

TRIGGER WARNING: SA, SH and panic attack

He opened the message and there it was. The video they took of him being bullied. The time when Yeon-su beat him up and tore up his clothes. The aftermath of when he passed out. He saw Yeon-su walk away telling the boys to do whatever they want with him. He saw the way the boys went up to him and began to grab his boobs and say things like
“What a shame she wants to cut them off.. They are too beautiful”
He saw as one traced his hands all over his torso going down to his private area and cupping it.
No…

No…

No!...

FUCK! AGH!

His eyes were wide and full of tears. He was shaking and felt gross all over.
No one had told him they did more with him after he passed out.
He wanted to die. He wanted to disappear. I felt like people were touching him all over. He wanted to scream but couldn’t find his voice. He began to scratch at his arms until they bled no longer being able to take it
`
I can’t breathe.. He clawed at his throat
Help someone… He couldn’t let out a word
Please…
Hongjoong…

Hongjoong's POV:

Hongjoong was working in the studio along with Eden and Maddox.Yes their first album had just come out but that didn’t stop him from constantly working and saving his progress with the company. (trama thank to Chris)

Today though, it didn’t feel right. It felt like he needed to go to the dorms before something bad happened. He told Eden and Maddox he wasn’t feeling well but that they’ll continue working tomorrow.

He got a nod from them both and left. The walk from the dorms and the company wasn’t big. He went inside the building, registered his identity (to keep sasaengs away) and headed up to the elevator.

He opened the door, finding it to be really quiet. Of course Hongjoong had expected it to be like this but he didn’t expect to not see Seonghwa on the couch. Ever since they got back from America, Seonghwa would wait for Hongjoong to get back from the studio and then they would go to sleep together for the night. When Hongjoong would ask him why? Seonghwa would simply reply with “to make sure you get home safely”

Now that Seonghwa wasn’t there he got worried but brushed it off as maybe he was tired and fell asleep early. He quietly walked to their shared room and opened the door. The lights were all off and Hongjoong didn’t want to disturb Seonghwa if he was sleeping. Instead he used the light to his phone to guide his way. The moment he pointed it forward his heart dropped. He ran to turn the lights on and looked back at the figure laying on the floor. He realized that the figure was Seonghwa.

Hongjoong rushed over to his side and checked his pulse. Thankfully his pulse was normal allowing Hongjoong to calm down a little. ‘He must have passed out,’ Hongjoong thought. He picked Seonghwa up and put him on the bottom of the bunk bed. He sat him up enough so that his back is comfortable and he doesn’t accidentally choke.

Trigger warning: slight mentions of SH ends at heart

But as Hongjoong was fixing his posture, he noticed his arms and his heart broke more. He would have never thought Seonghwa would Self-harm. He felt as if he wasn’t looking after his members properly seeing how he missed this. Even before, Hongjoong himself used to Self-harm but he has been clean for 8 months so he knew Seonghwa must be going through some deep shit right now if he chose to Self-harm somewhere visible as an idol.

Hongjoong couldn’t help but feel angry, not towards Seonghwa but himself! He couldn’t believe he made himself seem so untrustable to the members. Of course he couldn’t blame Seonghwa, he knew you can’t just tell someone you Self-harm and call it a day.

Hongjoong brushed off his thoughts and went to get 2 wet towels from the room. He came back and put one on Seonghwa's head and he used the other to clean Seonghwa’s arms.

Thankfully Hongjoong washed away the little blood on Seonghwa’s arms and realized that most of them will heal perfectly fine without leaving big scabs or scars. Hongjoong put some ointment on the scratches to heal them faster and then wrapped them in bandages. He put everything away, changed into his Pj’s and turned off the light returning back to Seonghwa’s side.

<3

He checked on Seonghwa one last time making sure everything was okay and as he was about to walk away Seonghwa grabbed onto his arm.
“Don’t go..”
Hongjoongs heart melted and he smiled softly toward Seonghwa

“I won’t…”

Hongjoong laid down next to Seonghwa. As Seonghwa wrapped his hands around Hongjoong’s waist pulling him in closer to his side.Thankfully the room was dark and Seonghwa wouldn’t be able to see cheeks becoming a rosy pink. Hongjoong snuggled his face deeper into Seonghwa side allowing sleep to take over.

The next day, Seonghwa woke up entirely sore and panicked. His back and chest hurt once again as he fell asleep with his binder still on. He remembered he had a panic attack and then everything went Black.

His body froze when he felt someone snuggle deeper into his side and throw a leg over his body. He then remembered telling someone that looked too much like Hongjoong in what he thought was a dream to stay by his side.

Seonghwa took a peak slightly moving his head to not disturb the sleeping figure and yup it was Hongjoong. Seonghwa was completely whipped at the view of Hongjoong. Half of his face was smashed by Seonghwa’s aching chest, his leg trapping Seonghwa close to him, His left hand interlocked with Seonghwa’s right.

Seonghwa tightened the grip on Hongjoong’s hand as he gave a small kiss on top of the other's head unaware that the other was awake.

Hongjoong’s face burned a bright red as he tried not to smile which he failed at causing Seonghwa to stammer.

“You’re a-awake?”
Hongjoong opened his eyes to meet Seonghwa’s wide and surprised ones.
With a flustered face Hongjoong nodded as he sat up still not letting go of Seonghwa’s hand.

Seonghwa also tried to sit up but let out a slight wince as he did so causing Hongjoong to panic a bit
“Did you hurt your back yesterday when you fainted?” Hongjoong said with concern.
“I think so,” Seonghwa tried

The atmosphere was kind of awkward before Hongjoong broke the silence,

“Y’know if you ever need to talk about anything I'm here. I am the captain of this team and I need to look after my members the best I can and that includes you!” he said with a smile.

“Tch,” Seonghwa rolled his eyes and pulled his hand away from Hongjoong's, causing the others' smile to drop.
“Woah- Did I say something wrong?”
Seonghwa knew it was too early to argue but his patience had run thin especially with everything building on top of each other.
“Is that all we are to you? Just your members? Is that all I AM to you?” Seonghwa was honestly fed up with Hongjoong’s confusing signs. One day they act like a couple, the other Hongjoong ignores him, and then the other day Hongjoong gives him an attitude. He didn’t want to get hurt if Hongjoong was just leading him on. He wanted to be rejected now before he fell deeper than he already has

“What? No-!”
“Then what Hongjoong?”
Before Hongjoong could talk Seonghwa continued
“You give me all these signs and I don’t even know what they mean! I don’t know if you like me, hate me, or whatever and I’m tired. I like you, you dummy. I have romantic feelings for you and I hope you have some for me too but it’s just so difficult to tell!.. One moment my hope goes up but then you tear it down. It’s so unfair Hongjoong” Seonghwa had began to tear up
“You don’t even have to feel the same way I won’t blame you but I just- I just can’t handle it anymore! Please break my heart already! It won’t affect the group I promise-”
Seonghwa was cut off by Hongjoong’s hands grabbing onto his face and a pair of soft lips clashing against his own. It was shocking to Seonghwa but he didn’t pull away. In fact, it felt so right… Of course it wasn’t like the movies where Fireworks exploded all around them but it felt like tingles all around their bodies along with their hearts were pounding against their chests. Hongjoongs lips were so hypnotizing, he wanted to pull the other in closer and closer, never letting him go.

The kiss was gentle, all their emotions poured in that one action. Hongjoong was leading the rhythm as Seonghwa followed; it didn't take long for the sweet kiss to become something more sinful.

Hongjoong’s right hand was now placed on Seonghwa’s waist as Seonghwa turned his body facing more towards hongjoong. They broke apart, foreheads touching before they fell back into a much more heated kiss. Hongjoong would lick at Seonghwa’s bottom lip causing Seonghwa to open and allow hongjoong to explore every bit of his mouth as Seonghwa did the same. Their mouths made wet noises and every now and then they would let out slight groans riling the other more.

They parted to take a deep breath before Seonghwa straddled Hongjoong and leaned back into another kiss.

It's just Hongjoong… he wouldn’t do what they did to me…

Hongjoong’s hand grabbed onto Seonghwa's beautiful thighs to keep him steady as they kissed. Hongjoong wanted to take things slow with Seonghwa but it wasn’t looking to great seeing how desperate they are for each other

Almost as if Seonghwa read Hongjoong’s mind, he pulled away and laid on Hongjoongs chest ignoring the pain in his back as he caught his own breath. They were both panting and processing what just happened but none spoke. Once they could think straight, Hongjoong knew the other needed an explanation

“Seonghwa I have romantic feelings for you too. I can’t go a day without thinking about you.. I always wanted to pull you in close to me and just shower you with love but I could never get over my own insecurities. I never wanted to hurt you but I didn’t want to hurt myself in the process. I was ignorant to your pain and I will always be repentful for that. I’m sorry but I like you... I won’t stop liking you and I want to be with you for as long as you let me..” Hongjoong ranted, tears slipping from his eyes.

Seonghwa moved his head up making eye contact with Hongjoong and let out a chuckle despite his teary eyes.
“Does that mean we’ve been pinning over each other the whole time?”
“Yeah.. we’re so oblivious” Hongjoong chuckled, wiping Seonghwa's eyes.
“I wonder how much the others suffered watching us tiptoe around”
“I bet they are placing bets on us” Hongjoong snickered at the thought of the kids wasting their money for a random thing.
“Who knows but I wonder who wins”

“Hmm? Be my boyfriend and we’ll find out?”
“Oh Hongjoong… that was a terrible way to ask someone out”
“Is that a no?...”
“... I want to say yes but I just don’t know..”
“Is there something I'm lacking? Or is it personal? Whatever it is, we can work it out together.. If you don’t want titles that fine too, i’ll accept anything as long as i’m by your side”
“No it’s not that.. I- I’m afraid you’ll hate me for it..”
“Seonghwa… I could never… I won’t push it if you aren’t ready to talk about it.. I don’t mind waiting for a title but I would still like affection from you, just don’t tell the kids I said that. They’ll go crazy.”

Hongjoong’s randomness was always one of Seonghwa’s favorite things about him. The way he was positive and could help cheer a person up when they are thinking too much, like now.

Chapter Text

Chapter 13: I love you

Seonghwa had told Hongjoong to give him 3 days. In those three days Seonghwa planned a way to tell Hongjoong. He wanted a way where it wouldn’t be too much for Hongjoong to take in.

He talked to his mom who has always been his listening ear in the Hongjoong situation and Chan too, who was busy but tried. They gave him good suggestions and soon Seonghwa found the perfect way to do it.

That day Seonghwa woke Hongjoong up with cuddles to which Hongjoong whined because his precious sleep was interrupted.
“Go to sleep Hwa..” Hongjoong said, his voice raspy from sleep.
“Nope! Today is a special day and you need to get ready.”
“Okay mom” Hongjoong joked, earning a slap to his shoulder.
“Better be ready in an hour or else i’m dressing you myself”
“Woah woah calm yourself horny tiger” Hongjoong said as he sat up in bed.
“I didn’t mean- Agh! Whatever '' Seonghwa gave up and just walked away, hearing Hongjoong’s giggles fade as he got farther from the room.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Good morning.”
“Ah what the fuck san!”

Seonghwa had turned the light on only to be scared by San sitting in the dark(I know it wasn’t Seonghwa who found san but let us pretend)

“I was feeling sentimental but anyways what was that about hyung?”
“What?”
“It's quiet here so I was able to hear your and Hongjoong’s conversation! Are y’all finally dating? Did he ask or did you? Was it romantic or bland?”
Seonghwa’s face burned bright red as he simply replied ‘I’ll tell you later’ before he retreated to the bathroom, turning off the lights on his way as San requested.

Seonghwa decided to not bind today. He knew it was risky but his body needed a break from the pain. He instead wore a sports bra, a loose black stylish shirt covered by a black trench coat. Thankfully his breast didn’t grow much after all. What used to be a slightly big size is now average as his body changed. He decided to wear his leather black pants with platform boots that hopefully take away the attention from his upper body.
Hongjoong on the other hand wore a striped turtleneck, a black shirt with cool white designs over it, a gray denim jacket and some loose black jeans. He also wore some black platform boots that had silver spikes along the side and a bunch of chain accessories.

They both looked stylish but comfy enough to hangout anywhere and not be too overdressed. Once they were ready, Seonghwa had grabbed Hongjoong’s hand letting it go once they got outside. He knew there were stalkers everywhere so he couldn’t risk them holding hands being shown everywhere when they are barely getting together.

Thankfully, Seonghwa had found a way around the stalkers and got them to a secluded area. Chan’s sister Hannah (aged up btw for this to make sense lmao) owned an alt fashion shop near the park. Inside her shop there was a back door ( pun not intended) that led to an alleyway only accessible through a closed off area in the park and her shop.

Seonghwa’s plan was to pretend to buy clothes with hongjoong then lead him out the back into the park.

As they were walking they heard not so quiet footsteps in the bushes next to them so they knew they had to go fast. Luckily Hannah’s shop was only a couple more feet away before they actually made it. And you see, Hongjoong is a really big fan of Alt clothing as an artistic and fashionable person ultimately causing Seonghwa to buy Hongjoong some cool shirts, platforms, chains, and jewelry as a small gift. Hannah gave them a 20% discount saying that anyone who is her brother's friend is her friend too, gaining confused and slightly jealous stares from Hongjoong.

“I didn’t know you had friends-”
“Wow~ that’s such a nice thing to assume joong”
“I’m kidding but for real who is it?”
“Bang Chan from stray kids.”
“No way! That's awesome!” Hongjoong exclaimed, the previous jealousy fading

They finished paying and were on their way to wherever Seonghwa was taking him.

“Yeah we met before I was a trainee at KQ and we still have a strong bond. I hope I can take you to meet him one of these days”
“That would be nice, y’know. To meet some of your friends”
“I think he’s the only friend I have other than the kids”
‘Oh.. No friends from school?” Hongjoong said, curious.
“I never got close to anyone ever since what happened in my hometown. Of course I made some friends in High school here but never stayed in touch.” he sighed
“Its okay i’m sure you’ll make new friends along the way with us”

Hongoong decided not to push Seonghwa on the topic seeing how blunt his tone was when talking about his hometown. Instead he was going to wait for Seonghwa to come talking to him first.

“Yeah I sure hope so..”

“Yeah… ANYWAYS! We are almost there so imma need you to close your eyes”
“You aren’t going to kill me right?” Hongjoong said, motioning to the forest around them.
“Dumbass” Seonghwa laughed covering Hongjoong’s eyes either way

By now they had reached the destination and Seonghwa had finally dropped his hands from Hongjoong’s face. Whispering “open your eyes''

Hongjoong felt shivers at the feeling of Seonghwa’s hot breath against his neck but tried to stay composed. In front of Hongjoong was a pillow fort decorated with fairy lights and a basket of snacks ready for them to eat. Hongjoong turned to Seonghwa in disbelief before eloping him into a tight bear hug.
“This is beautiful Hwa! When did you have time to set all of this up?”
“I have my ways but it's only the best for you” Seonghwa winked, earning a slap on the shoulder from a flustered Hongjoong.

Hongjoong let go of Seonghwa and began to walk towards the comfy area, ready to enjoy the freedom in the moment.

They sat down next to each other and began eating the snacks enjoying the savory taste of everything as well as feeding each other every now and then. Eventually they finished most of the food and were now talking about random shit that has happened.

Sometime in between Seonghwa talking about his dream lego collection Hongjoong couldn’t help but want to pull Seonghwa close to him and just love him to death. The way Seonghwa’s eyes would shine and go big when he talked so passionately about what he enjoyed melted Hongjoong’s heart.

Before he knew it Hongjoong had grabbed onto Seonghwa’s face and gently brought him into a soft kiss. Seonghwa was stunned but liked it too much to pull away and instead moved closer to Hongjoong. They finally separated from each other with a gasp, Hongjoong’s hand still placed on the side of Seonghwa’s face.

“Joong-ah..” Seonghwa said in a slight whisper.
“Yes, my star?...” Hongjoong replied, looking at Seonghwa as if he was the only one in the world.

It was getting hard for Seonghwa to keep ignoring his feelings for Hongjoong so he decided to tell Hongjoong today. Originally it was supposed to be later so that they could enjoy their time together before the deep conversation that can go bad or good but it needed to be now.

“I want to be yours… but before that.. There is something that you should know before we actually go deeper into our relationship..”

“Go ahead, I'm all ears,” Hongjoong said, cradling Seonghwa’s face in his hands.

“Joong-ah… I-..”
Seonghwa couldn’t find his voice despite him wanting Hongjoong to know. He didn’t know what was happening. It was never this difficult to tell anyone in the past so why is it so hard now.

Hongjoong moved his hands down to interlock fingers with Seonghwa in hopes to ease the others' nerves.

“I-I I’m… Fuck!....”
“It’s okay my dear… take your time”
Seonghwa took a deep breath before he spoke again.

“I-I'm Trans…”

Hongjoong was shocked of course but he didn’t move away. Instead he pulled Seonghwa in closer to him and made sure that Seonghwa knew he wasn’t going anywhere.
“Starlight… that's okay!..” Hongjoong said, as he titled Seonghwa head up to make eye contact
“Nothing has changed y’know.. You are still Park Seonghwa, the man I fell in love with. Yes, I love you.. and just because you were born in the wrong body doesn’t mean it automatically changes how I feel. I still want to be yours no matter what as long as you let me be there”

Hongjoong could feel Seonghwa’s body shaking as tears fell from his eyes. He slowly pulled Seonghwa into his lap, tucking Seonghwa’s head into his shoulder, letting him cry all he wants. His shoulder felt wet but Hongjoong didn’t mind as he stroked Seonghwa’s back in hopes to calm him down.

He knew this wasn’t an easy thing to tell someone and can’t even imagine all the feelings Seonghwa must be feeling right now. All Hongjoong wanted to do was protect his star from his light ever dimming.

After a while, Seonghwa was finally able to calm down with the help of Hongjoong's reassurances being whispered into his ears. Once he could breathe and think straight, he sat up still on Hongjoongs lap and grabbed the other's face, pulling him into a soft kiss.

The kiss didn’t last long but Hongjoong was able to feel the gratitude Seonghwa was conveying for him at the moment.

‘Fuck… I fucking love you KIm Hongjoong. You don’t know how scared I was at the thought of you leaving me. I can’t even describe how happy and grateful I feel right now.” Seonghwa said with one of the biggest similes on his face as he stared into Hongjoong’s eyes.

“Is the offer still open? Can I still be yours Hongjoong?”

Hongjoong couldn’t help but smile back as an idea popped into his head. He wrapped his arms around Seonghwa, holding on tightly as he rolled them both over, pulling a squeal from Seonghwa.

“Of course my star” Hongjoong said, snuggling into Seonghwa who was now cuddled up to Hongjoongs side. “But first I want to know if you have any rules regarding what you feel comfortable with and what you don’t. I just want to make sure you are happy and not uncomfortable”

Stunned Seonghwa muttered out a “You are truly amazing my love,” making Hongjoong flush up at the pet name and bury his face into Seonghwa’s shoulder, earning a chuckle from the other.

“I don’t want to be referred to as she/her no matter what but I don’t mind being called pretty… We could do anything a couple would do! I don’t mind”

Hongjoong nodded, “Okay, that's fine but if I do anything please make sure you let me know so that I can punch myself and apologize”

Seonghwa laughed and pulled Hongjoong into a hug, planning to cuddle for the rest of the time they have. “I’ll make sure to let you know if anything but the real question is, Is this okay?” Seonghwa asked. He knew that hongjoong was able to feel his chest considering how they are positioned and wanted to make sure it didn’t make the other uncomfortable.

Hongjoong just nodded, bringing his own body closer to Seonghwa. “As you said, I'll let you know if anything.” he responded with a cheeky smile. They laid on the ground for a while, enjoying each other's warmth, none wanting to pull apart. Eventually they both fell asleep in each others embrace

Chapter Text

Chapter 14: Rumors

Seonghwa awoke at exactly 5:53 pm, just in time for Blue Hour. He knew they were expected home soon so he decided to wake Hongjoong up now so that they make it home before the sun completely sets.

Seonghwa pecked Hongjoong on his head seeing if that woke the other up but nothing happened. Seonghwa decided to take it a step further and pecked the other's nose but still nothing. Just as Seonghwa was about to try again on the other cheek he noticed Hongjoong’s lips curl up into a smirk. Seonghwa smiled at Hongjoong's antics now realizing what his lover wanted. Seonghwa gave in finally kissing Hongjoong’s lips, receiving an almost immediate response from the “Sleeping Man”

What Seonghwa thought was going to be a quick peck turned out to be a deeper kiss as Hongjoong grabbed onto Seonghwa’s face pulling him in closer. They pulled apart from each other with a smile.
“Is that what you wanted?” Seonghwa asked, flushing a slight red earning a cute giggle from Hongjoong.
“Is it time to go home?” Hongjoong asked.
Seonghwa nodded before sitting up. “As much as I’d want to stay here with you we can’t but it's okay! We have a room in the dorm for ourselves”
“But it won't be the sameee! Yeosang and Jongho could enter any moment and we won't be able to say anything about it because it's their room too!” Hongjoong whined
Seonghwa smiled at Hongjoong’s childish tactics
“Let's just go, maybe we can pretend like you are going to scold me. When we enter, just say ‘Seonghwa come to the room’ in an angry deep voice” Seonghwa said, imitating Hongjoong’s angry voice

.
Hongjoong punched Seonghwa’s side “I DON’T SOUND LIKE THAT!”
“Yes, you do! That’s why all the kids are scared of you when you mention your room!”
“Is that why you want me to do that? So that we can scare them off and have alone time” Hongjoong teased.

Seonghwa stood there in shock as his face burned a bright red when he registered exactly what Hongjoong was suggesting. “YOU'RE SO DIRTY-MINDED HWA!” He heard Hongjoong yell once he realized what Seonghwa was thinking. That seemed to snap Seonghwa out of his state of shock as he immediately retorted “YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID IT!”
“I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!”

“Whatever let's go home now,” Seonghwa smiled as he stood up, reaching his hand out to pull Hongjoong up as well. Seonghwa had picked up whatever trash he could but left the blankets and fairy lights there so that they could have a little hang-out whenever they are out together again.

After Seonghwa finished doing what he wanted to do, they made their way out of the forest using the flashlights from their phone to light up the path. Once they arrived back at Hannah's shop, Seonghwa knocked in a pattern to let Hannah know that it was them and they were ready to leave. Hannah opened the door with a smile on her face, “Sooooo, did y’all have fun?”
Seonghwa laughed and nodded, giving Hongjoong a whipped stare, earning a chorus of ‘awes’ from Hannah. “Thank you for helping us get private time with each other, I owe you a lot really,”
“Nah you’re all good! I already told you, any friend of Chan is my friend! I may seem like the mean sister but let’s be real, I care about him a lot, just don’t tell him I said that!”

“Hahaha, I won’t. Thank you again, Hannah,” Seonghwa bowed deeply.
“Yeah, of course,” Hannah replied, bowing back.

Unfortunately, as they left the shop Seonghwa had to let go of Hongjoong’s hand because of all the annoying sasaengs around. They may be rookies but they are still on their tails trying to cook up something juicy to bring them down.

They had finally arrived at the dorms trying to get into their serious acting mode. Hongjoong took a deep breath before his face slowly darkened and his smile slowly dropped. Seonghwa was genuinely nervous about the way Hongjoong looked, it felt so real even though he knew he was acting.

Seonghwa took a moment for himself, thinking of sad memories so that his eyes would tear up. He also tried to make his face seem frustrated and annoyed to make it more believable.

Once they were ready, Seonghwa burst open the door to the dorm, taking off his shoes before walking towards their shared room ignoring the “angry” yells Hongjoong was shouting in the background.
“Yah! Listen to me, Park Seonghwa! I can’t believe you are at it again! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE BEING AN ASSHOLE!”

“LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE HONGJOONG!” Seonghwa stopped and turned to face Hongjoong. “You will not talk to me like that in front of the kids you fucking cunt.” Hongjoong shouted back, briefly acknowledging San, Jongho, and Mingi who were sitting down on the couch with worried looks on their faces. “Fine! Take me to your “scary” room” Seonghwa mimicked, lacing his voice with clear sarcasm. “Seonghwa Hyung, Don’t-” San warned but was cut off by Hongjoong grabbing Seonghwa’s arm and pulling him into the bedroom where Yeosang was in.

“Sangie, get out,” Hongjoong said sternly but as calmly as he could. “Wha-”
Yeosang looked up from his phone sensing the tense atmosphere and did not question anything else as he bolted out of the room. Once Yeosang left, Hongjong glanced and smiled at Seonghwa before slamming the door to the room for an extra measure.

They waited for a while, hearing the front door close and the members whispering before leaving. Once everyone was gone Seonghwa finally burst out into laughter before throwing himself on the bed making grabby arms towards Hongjoong.

Hongjoong did not hesitate to jump into bed next to Seonghwa before cuddling up towards his lover's side. “I'm sorry if I was too mean back there,” Hongjoong said, voice laced with guilt

“It was funny Joong,” Seonghwa kissed the top of Hongjoong’s head as reassurance. “The kids were so scared! They even left the apartment”
“You are so mean Hwa!”
“Says you,” Seonghwa retorted.
“Oh shut it!”
“What are we going to do when they get back?” Seonghwa asked.
“Well, I guess we can pretend to have made up. Y’know like cuddle a little since that happened last time too.”
“Yeah that’ll be good too”
“Okay now let's make use of this time Hwa. Kiss me and cuddle me right now” Hongjoong playfully demanded as he began to kiss all over Seonghwa’s face.

2 hours later they heard the door open once more before the quiet atmosphere disappeared and became a little more chaotic. This prompted the two lovers to walk into the living room to deal with the situation. As they entered the room, everything got quiet with the attention going towards them.
The silence allowed Seonghwa to announce, “It's okay guys we talked it out and we promise to avoid arguing as we have been since debut..”
With that, a chorus of sighs of relief escaped from the members. “Thank goodness hyungs, it was so terrifying earlier!” Mingi exclaimed. “Yeah! Hongjoong Hyung looked like he was going to tear Seonghwa Hyung up!” San added, making “Scary” faces trying to reenact the scene from earlier for Wooyoung and Jongho who were still at the company training during the “argument”.
“Oh well, that was in the past… Now who is ready to play Mario Kart!” Hongjoong said to change the subject. Almost immediately, the member's attention went on to Yunho, who jumped over a confused Yeosang to reach the control first.

That seemed to break the tension in the room as everyone began to yell at each other for a turn even though Yunho maintained a death grip on the first control making the other members fight for the second one.

Throughout the fight, Seonghwa flashed a smile towards Hongjoong who responded with a wink causing Seonghwa to look away shyly and Hongjoong to laugh. “What are you laughing at hyung?” Wooyoung questioned curiously. “Yeah, Hongjoong-ah? What are you laughing at?” Seonghwa added which caused Hongjoong to shoot a glare at him. “Nothing, I'm just happy to have you guys” Hongjoong responded, which wasn’t wrong but it wasn’t the cause of Hongjoong's laugh at the moment.
“Awww has Hyungie gone soft~” Wooyoung teased.
“Ha.Ha. Do you want to go to my room?” Hongjoong glared, visibly causing Wooyoung to gulp. “NO!” he said before he fled to hide behind San. “YAH! GO HIDE BEHIND SOMEONE ELSE IM NOT TRYING TO DIE!” “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME!” Wooyoung yelled back. “WELL, I CAN'T! AT LEAST NOT FROM OUR HONGJOONGIE HYUNG” “YAH THAT’S BETRAYAL”-

The rest of the night was indeed filled with a bunch of empty threats and yelling, whether it be because of Wooyoung’s mischief or losing to Yunho in Mario Kart but no matter what, this felt like home to Seonghwa who watched with a fond smile. Everything was so perfect…. Or so he thought...

“Rookie ATEEZ member Park Seonghwa under flames after bully accusations surface the internet.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 15: Scandal

“It was anonymously reported by what is assumed to be a young woman from ATEEZ’ Park Seonghwa’s previous High school located in his hometown Jinju, Gyeongsang. The victim claimed to be both physically and sexually abused by the current ATEEZ member. She provided video evidence where she explained that Seonghwa was a part of the men who were seen groping the victim's body as she was laid on the floor seemingly unconscious from the physical abuse before the video began to record. However, the video is unclear and will need to be further analyzed by the authorities in private due to the victim blurring her face out for her safety on social media and the fact the faces of the men were too blurry for general identification.”

Seonghwa was fucked…
Their manager had come to the dorm at 6 in the morning to discuss the situation. He was recently appointed as the old manager had gotten promoted to a different rank but unfortunately, the new manager seemed to be unaware of the truth behind Seonghwa’s biological gender, and wow did the man know how to yell.

“YAH! PARK SEONGHWA! OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR RIGHT NOW.”

Seonghwa was a pretty light sleeper and woke up extremely frightened by the way the new manager yelled. Not only was Seonghwa rudely awoken, but so were Hongjoong and Yeosang, and possibly the other members in the other rooms.

Seonghwa stood up sliding on some indoor slippers before walking over to the door and opening it. Before Seonghwa could comprehend what was going on he was grabbed by the collar and shoved into the wall from the hallway causing a sense of paranoia and fear to shoot up his spine as he was hit with the memories of the past with Yeon-su and her friends.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! HOW DARE YOU DO SUCH THINGS TO A POOR INNOCENT WOMAN YOU PIECE OF SHIT, NOW ATEEZ IS GOING TO SUFFER BECAUSE OF YOUR SICK AND TWISTED ACTIONS YOU SHITTY ABUSER”

Seonghwa was trembling in fear as tears streamed down his face.
“P-Please don’t h-hurt me,” was all Seonghwa could muster out at the moment causing the man to get angrier and raise his fist up before was stopped by another body slamming into his own. “YOU WILL NOT TOUCH HIM YOU HEAR ME!”

Seonghwa couldn’t comprehend the situation as he collapsed on the ground letting the panic shut his brain down only slightly registering someone holding him in their arms as people yelled in the background.

Hongjoong’s Pov

At first, Hongjoong was confused to as why someone was yelling and banging on the door to their dorm and it was really annoying as they didn’t get much sleep after they fell asleep around 3 a.m. playing games.

Running low on sleep caused Hongjoong to get extremely annoyed with the noise as he sat up ready to yell at the person causing this whole thing. Right before he got up, he felt the bed move as Seonghwa had gotten up from the bottom bed to what he assumed was to open the door. The banging stopped for a moment before a really hard one was heard followed by a sob and more yells. Hongjoong quickly came down from the top bed extremely worried as he put his slippers on prompting Yeosang to get out of bed and do the same. Once Hongjoong was done he rushed over to the living room where he found Seonghwa crying while being pinned up against the wall by the new manager.

Hongjoong was shocked at the sight but was snapped out of his daze once he saw the man raising his fist ready to hit his lover. At that moment all Hongjoong could see was red as he charged at the man pushing him away from Seonghwa only briefly acknowledging Yeosang lift Seonghwa from the ground and take him to the couch away from the yelling match between himself and the manager.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!” Hongjoong yelled. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? NO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM!? HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THE NEWS?! THAT ‘THING’ IS AN ABUSER!”
“I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL YOU AREN’T SAYING THAT SHIT TOWARDS SEONGHWA! HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG!” Hongjoong countered.
“WELL WHAT ABOUT THE VIDEO? IT WAS ALL CAUGHT ON CAMERA. HE’S GOING TO DESTROY ATEEZ AS A WHOLE IF YOU DON'T KICK HIM OUT RIGHT NOW.”

This angered Hongjoong more. He had no idea what the guy was talking about but all he knew was that was bullshit! He punched the manager in the face causing the other to lose his balance giving Hongjoong time to shove him out of the dorm and slam the door.

“DON'T REGRET IT LATER ASSHOLES! THIS GROUP IS DONE FOR” Hongjoong heard the manager yell as he walked away.

At this point Hongjoong couldn’t care less about whatever the man was yelling, all that mattered was Seonghwa at this moment. When he walked to the living room, he saw Yunho, Seonghwa, and Yeosang on the couch. Seonghwa was curled up at Yeosang’s side fast asleep while Yunho was running his fingers through his hair.

“What happened hyung?” Yunho asked, both confused and worried. “Apparently the new manager came to knock some “sense” in Hwa because of a dumb rumor going around..” “A rumor?” questioned Yeosang. “Yeah, he said something about checking the news and Seonghwa being an abuser and it being caught on tape.”

After Hongjoong explained, both Yeosang and Yunho seemed shocked but before they could say anything Hongjoong proposed the idea of searching up the news and seeing the video before assuming things

Of course, Hongjoong already knew these allegations were bullshit. He knew that Seonghwa would never do anything like this. However, he wasn’t sure his members would believe the same given the fact they met only a couple of months ago and Hongjoong was still unaware that Yunho knew the secret Seonghwa kept and Yeosang still had no clue whatsoever.

Hongjoong went to get his computer from his room before returning and placing it on the coffee table in front of everyone. Hongjoong then searched for “Ateez’s Seonghwa scandal” only to see thousands of articles posted in the last 10 hours and a newscast that aired 11 hours back. He decided to play the newscast first before reading some of the other articles posted.

The video was very blurry, especially with the fact the news had to blur out even more of the video in order for it to meet the censoring qualifications to air. Even so, all 3 members were able to see a group of boys surrounding the victim who looked unconscious on the ground. They then heard the reporter stating that the boy with his back to the camera was allegedly Park Seonghwa. This made Hongjoong ‘tch’ out loud gaining a look from Yeosang and Yunho.

“This is clearly Bullshit!” he exclaimed.
Yunho nodded his head while Yeosang seemed deep in thought.
“What if Seonghwa Hyung did do it…” Yeosang wondered out loud. This caused Hongjoong's eyes the widen in disbelief, “What do you mean? Are you seriously going to believe these dumb allegations?!”
“I mean we don’t really know about Hyung's past!... We barely just met him, if I’m going, to be honest, I would rather side with a person claiming to be a victim no matter if it were a lie than a potential rapist...If this person is lying then I will apologize deeply to Seonghwa Hyung and I know that person will get Karma because she tried to ruin Hyung’s life. Now if the victim is right and Seonghwa Hyung did do these things I don’t know how I could live with myself knowing I protected a rapist and Ignored someone reaching out for help…”

Hongjoong seemed conflicted between telling Yeosang he was wrong and understanding his point. He so desperately wanted to protect his star from losing his new family but knew he couldn’t do that without spilling the secrets Seonghwa had. All he could do was look at Yunho helplessly knowing that Yunho was closer to Seonghwa than anyone else apart from himself and Mingi.

Yunho seemed to notice as he soon spoke up after Yeosang's little rant, “I understand Yeosangie but you also need to understand that before taking sides you should know the whole story. I know there’s a video, but this video could be edited seeing as it’s extremely blurry and it's claimed Seonghwa is the one facing away. Please don’t treat Seonghwa Hyung differently than before until the authorities confirm or deny the accusations. If anything I will understand if you keep your distance but please do not make him feel bad.” Yunho concluded placing his attention back to Seonghwa whose face was tear-stained but in peace as sleep fell over him.

Yeosang seemed to understand where his Hyungs were coming from and ultimately ended up coming to the conclusion that he would not discriminate against anyone until it was proven to be true or false. He also decided that he would maintain his distance as much as he could but in situations where he has to interact with Seonghwa, he will allow his love for his hyung to show as he had before this entire incident happened. Of course, deep down Yeosang knew Seonghwa was innocent, he knew his hyung wouldn’t do something so cruel, but he just can’t dismiss the said victim just like that…

Chapter Text

Chapter 15: Broken bond .

Yunho focused:

Something inside of Yunho told him that it was the person Seonghwa panicked about during debut... Now that he thinks back to it, Seonghwa was so scared when he saw that comment and all Yunho did was comfort his Hyung rather than take action against the malicious haters. He knew he probably wouldn’t have been able to do much but it would’ve prevented all these misunderstandings from the start.

Yunho turned to look at Hongjoong who seemed deeply disgusted while watching the video and it sent a gross feeling down Yunho’s spine. He thought that maybe Hongjoong believed the reporter but his idea was immediately turned down when he heard Hongjoong ‘tch’ before exclaiming that it was bullshit which caused him to nod in agreement, relief flooding his body

Unfortunately, that relief was cut short when Yeosang expressed his own beliefs. Yunho agreed but he knew that wasn’t the case this time, especially with what he already knows. Yunho looked over at Hongjoong who was seemingly distressed which allowed Yunho a chance to step in.

Thankfully it seemed to have worked as Yeosang looked down at Seonghwa with a sad expression almost as if longing for the bad rumors to be false. Yunho knew he was going to have to talk to Seonghwa later about the situation as a whole but at the moment he just needed to work hard to keep Ateez from dividing apart until Seonghwa was ready.

Seongjoong focused.

Hongjoong stood up, catching the attention of the other 2 members. “Hyung where are you going?” Yunho asked. “I’m going to take Seonghwa to his room. We all have to talk about this later. For now, let's give Seonghwa time to think.” Hongjoong responded going over to pick Seonghwa up.

The other two did not protest knowing that Hongjoong was right. They needed to give Seonghwa time to gather his thoughts rather than pressure him to do it now, especially with the panic attack he suffered from earlier.

Hongjoong decided to carry Seonghwa bridal style with Seonghwa’s head leaning on Hongjoong’s shoulder as he stirred awake. By this point, Hongjoong had already reached the door to their shared dorm which was thankfully open so Hongjoong simply had to push it slightly more open to get in.

“Hongjoongie?..” Seonghwa questioned in a soft weak voice. “Yes?” “Are you angry?” Hongjoong stayed quiet as he walked into the room careful to not wake Jongho up. He laid Seonghwa down who looked up, his eyes shining as the sun peeked from behind the curtain. Hongjoong shook his head before he signed for Seonghwa to scoot over.

Hongjoong proceeded to lie down next to Seonghwa before bringing the other into a hug. “I know you didn’t do any of that Hwa. I will not force you to tell me but just know that I'm on your side okay.. Whenever you want to talk I'm all ears.” Hongjoong said quietly as he tucked Seonghwa’s head into his neck. Seonghwa felt so relieved. He doesn’t know what he would’ve done if he lost Hongjoong especially when they just got together. He feels so hopeless in this moment but he knows that all hope is not lost.

“Thank you Joongie” Seonghwa responded, his voice slightly breaking as he clung onto Hongjoong. He didn’t want to cry again, his head was already pounding, and on top of everything he didn’t want to burden Hongjoong with a crybaby.

Hongjoong didn’t say anything but instead used his actions to show his support. He pulled his head slightly away causing Seonghwa to look up. At that moment, Hongjoong placed his hand on Seonghwas's cheek as he kissed his red plump lips. They engaged in a soft and slow kiss ignoring the whole world around them even if it was a sleeping Jongho. They pulled apart as they looked into each other's eyes full of adoration. They both seemed to get flustered as they turned away from each other, faces red and a little shy smile playing on their lips.

“Let’s sleep more yeah?” Hongjoong suggested getting a nod from Seonghwa.

Time skip

They rested for another 3 hours, waking up content in each other's arms. Seonghwa was the first to open his eyes, where he was met with the beauty of Hongjoong’s tired face. Of course, others may find it funny but to Seonghwa it was so adorable. The way Hongjoong’s eyebrows furrowed, his plump lips formed into a little pout, and his eyes fluttered open and shut, bothered by the light shining through the now open window. Curse Jongho…

“Good morning, Joong,” Seonghwa said quietly. “Good morning my star..” Hongjoong responded with a half smile. “Let’s go get ready Hwa, We have a long day ahead of us,” Hongjoong added, his hand reaching for Seonghwa’s in support. Seonghwa responded with a weak smile and nod, the dread and sadness pooling at the pit of his stomach.
They got ready in under an hour before they braced themselves to meet the other members. Before they left the room, Hongjoong grabbed Seonghwa’s hand, giving it a little squeeze before letting it go.

Hongjoong walked out of the room first, Seonghwa following close behind not liking how silent the dorm sounded, especially since they had a day off. On days like this, you would already hear Wooyoung’s boisterous laughter sounding through the room as he experimented and forced Yeosang to try his new breakfast recipe.

When they arrived at the living room, Woooyung, san, and Yeosang were talking quietly amongst themselves, their faces showing sadness and discomfort. On the other hand, Mingi and Yunho were quiet with focused faces, as if they were trying to listen into the other three's conversation. They stood there for an awkward moment before Jongho who was focused on his phone looked up, spotting the 2 oldest warily standing at the entrance of the living room. His eyes seemed to light up as he stood up, sprinted over, and brought Seonghwa into a hug.

Seonghwa would be lying if he said he wasn’t surprised. He expected the maknae to be the most upset with him out of everyone. When he felt that hug he couldn’t hold back the tears the slipped from his eyes. Jongho wasn’t one for skinship but the fact he is doing this now, especially in this critical moment made him feel overwhelmed with so many emotions at once.

Not only was this a surprise for Seonghwa, but the entire team as well. Hongjoong watched with a soft smile, feeling happiness bloom in his chest as well. He allowed the 2 to hug everything out as he walked over to Yunho and Mingi, only glancing at Yeosang, San, and Wooyoung briefly, not wanting to deal with them who were clearly in discomfort and unsureness. He sat down next to the 2, not sharing any words only looking at them. Yunho moved his eyes clearly signaling the other 3 next to them, to which Hongjoong shook his head as a way to say ‘No, give Seonghwa and them their time.’ Yunho seemed a bit upset with that answer but let it be.

About 2 minutes later, Seonghwa and Jongho were finally been able to compose themselves but the moment they turned to face the rest of the members, Yeosang stood up, “Oh! I forgot there's going to be a skatepark event soon! Do you guys want to come?” he suggested, his eyes clearly showing nervousness. It was also very very clear to Hongjoong that Yeosang was hoping Seonghwa would deny the request but he couldn’t just say that out loud. When Seonghwa was about to speak, the hope shining in his eyes Hongjoong decided to speak up first. “No thank you Yeosang, me, Seonghwa, Jongho, Yunho and Mingi are going to work on some lyrics and then go work on our choreo.” Hongjoong said, getting confused looks from everyone mentioned.

Yeosang’s eyes flashed with relief for a brief moment before he composed himself and faced Wooyoung and San. The two shared a look before they nodded, standing up to join Yeosang, “we’ll go with you!” said Wooyoung happily.

Seonghwa was genuinely confused. He didn’t know why Hongjoong rejected Yeosang’s offer… To Seonghwa it looked like Yeosang was just trying to lift up the tension in the dorm atmosphere. They waited for the 3 to finally leave the dorm before they finally began to talk about the serious stuff.

“Hongjoong why’d you do that!” Seonghwa questioned. “They are clearly uncomfortable Seonghwa, I don’t want to pretend like nothing is happening, we clearly need to fix all of these misunderstandings!” Hongjoong exclaimed back. Seonghwa’s face had hurt written in bold on his face but before anything could go further Yunho jumped in “Calm down hyung’s, I know this situation is overwhelming but we need to keep our emotions at bay, or else things may get even worse. And yes, Hongjoong hyung is right. They did seem a bit uncomfortable…” “This is all clearly bull! I may not be as close with you hyung but I know from what Yunho tells me you will not even hurt a fly let alone a real human being” Mingi suddenly added with Jongho nodding along.

Seonghwa felt his eyes tearing up again. Good job Park Seonghwa, there you go crying again like a little crybaby, You deserve this, Yeon-su is doing the right thing to get rid of your pathetic self he thought. Thankfully, Hongjoong had observed a few of Seonghwa’s habits when he was upset and was able to detect this stress from the mere fidgeting of Seonghwa’s hands.

“Seonghwa-hyung… Let’s talk in private” Hongjoong said, making sure to use the gentlest voice he could muster. This snapped Seonghwa out of his thoughts he nodded before he began walking towards their shared room with Hongjoong following close behind him.

Once they were finally away from the other band members Seonghwa was finally able to express how hurt he felt at the moment. He knew everything was going to go to shit but he at least expected the members to hear him out before coming to a conclusion.

“I know it's hard Hwa but it’s going to be okay..” Hongjoong said as he walked closer to Seonghwa reaching his hands to grasp at the others. “I know Joong, but It hurts y’know… They hate me.. They don't like me! Maybe it’s better if I just leave the group y’know.. It’s all my fault, if only I was a normal human being this would have never happened!” Hongjoong's heart felt heavy in his chest. If only he could truly make Seonghwa believe what he sees but he knows it just doesn’t work like that. “Don’t you ever say that! You are a wonderful person in a bad world. If people were to learn to respect one another then this wouldn’t have happened. It’s all the haters’ fault, not yours Hwa. You didn’t do any of the shit she is saying you did and that makes her the bad person because she is letting hate drive her to ruin another person’s life.”

Seonghwa couldn’t bring himself to nod or even look up because he couldn’t believe any of it. Hongjoong was too good for him. “It’s all my fault though.. My parents warned me about the hate, and so did fucking JYP! If only I had given up a long time ago, things would’ve been different”

Hongjoong couldn’t bear hearing Seonghwa tear himself down as he cupped the other's face and bringing him down into a slow kiss that he hoped would convey all his love and support. He pulled apart and said, “One day you will see how amazing you are and at the end of this you will learn that it was never your fault at all Hwa.” “But how will we do that Joong… They hate me!” “No, they don’t, they are just confused. I think the first step would be coming clean to them about you. This will help them understand the past better which will lead to them finding out the truth about the bullshit of a rumor.” Hongjoong said still holding Seonghwa’s face. “I'm scared... What if that’s their final straw with me before they decide to leave me!” Seonghwa explained. “Seonghwa, they will not leave you that I can promise. They aren’t those type of people…”

Seonghwa was finally able to come to an agreement but the nerves at the pit of his stomach continued to grow even more. . “Does anyone else in the group know about it?” Hongjoong asked referring to Seonghwa’s birth gender. “Only Yunho knows.”

“Okay okay, that’s good. We at least have another member on your side to help you. See not all hope is lost!.. You got this, I'm here with you”

Hongjoong is right, everything will be okay’ Seonghwa thought to himself. Although Seonghwa had very little hope left he refused to disappoint his lover, he wanted to fight for himself so that he, Hongjoong, and the rest of Ateez could have a happy ending. He wasn’t going to let Yeon-su win.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong walked back into the living room to meet the eyes of a confused Mingi, Yunho, and Jongho. Seonghwa met Yunho’s eyes and nodded with a slight smile on his lips. Yunho’s eyes brightened up and he signaled with his eyes towards Hongjoong receiving a nod from Seonghwa. That’s when Yunho finally smiled a genuine smile ever since this entire problem started.

“How the fuck did you guys have a conversation with just your eyes…” Mingi wondered out loud, extremely confused. “Don’t act like you and I don’t do that either princess” Yunho responded teasingly gaining a ‘ya!’ from Mingi.

This seemed to lighten up the mood despite Jongho’s evident confusion that he tried to hide but couldn’t stop his eyes from screaming out the curiosity and questions he had.

“Im going to tell them.” Seonghwa suddenly spoke out getting the attention of both Hongjoong and Yunho. “You don’t have to rush yourself, Hyung please take your time” Yunho said.

“No, I trust you guys. And I want you guys to know the truth. I don’t want to hide anything from the people I consider my family.” Seonghwa responded. Hongjoong grabbed Yunho’s sleeve and tilted his head towards the direction of the kitchen so that they can give the 3 privacy. Once they left Seonghwa took in a deep breath and decided to get straight into it.

“Jongho, Mingi” Seonghwa said to make sure they were paying attention.
“ I’m trans, female to male…”

A moment of scilence passed and Seonghwa’s nerves began to spike. Maybe this was a mistake. He was afraid that he just lost the other 2 people who trusted him and stood by his side. He felt as if he should’ve known better and that things were meant for him to suffer. He was about the leave the room and run into the kitchen where his best friend and his lover awaited but all of a sudden Jongho stood up and began to walk towards Seonghwa. Seonghwa’s body froze and Jongho realized his mistake. He stood infront of Seonghwa and instead of hugging him as planned he made eye contact with Seonghwa and smiled.

Jongho’s smile conveyed gratitude and fondness for his Hyung. Jongho was not good at words and planned to hug his hyung and hold him as a way to show he didn’t care and will always see him as his Hyung but it turned out to not be as effective as he thought. Thankfully Seonghwa was able to understand this and broke out of his frozen state and threw himself onto Jongho.

Jongho held onto Seonghwa tightly, he wasn’t one to seek physical affection but in this moment he didn’t care. He just felt so happy that his Hyung would confide in him with a very important secret that can’t be told to anyone in this industry. Up until now he had always felt alone in the group seeing as everyone already had their own designated groups. Yunho and Mingi, Yeosang, San and Wooyoung and finally his eldest Hyungs Seonghwa and Hongjoong. He was acquainted with everyone but he never felt really close to anyone.
In all honesty Jongho blamed his personality and the fact he tends to push the people who try to get close to him away but at this moment he felt everything was finally changing. “Thank you Hyung, I’m so happy you were able to tell us that. You are always going to be my Hyung and no matter what other people say, I’m going to stick by you no matter what”

Suddenly they felt another pair of arms wrap around them both causing them to turn and see Mingi crying. “I love guys both so much~’ Mingi wailed laying his head on Seonghwas shoulder. Jongho Chuckled and moved his arm to hug both Mingi and Seonghwa at the same time.

They all stood their in the middle hugging each other until Hongjoong and Yunho came out the kitchen with soft smiles on their faces. “Aigo~” Yunho spoke out “Princess is crying” “Shut up Yunho” Mingi said while sniffling. “Yah, how about we have a movie night and deal with all this bullshit tomorrow. No phones, we don’t want to see any negative things. Only us, movies, and maybe cuddling..” Hongjoong said.

“No. No cuddling.” Jongho said his face blank. “Tch like you weren’t just giving us the tightest bear hug ever.” Mingi replied while roling his eyes, “I don’t know what your are talking about.” “Whatever, You aren’t escaping, don’t think you are safe.”

In the end, all 5 of them ended up squished together on the couch watching Star Wars. They had Seonghwa in the middle, Hongjoong on his left side, Yunho next to Hongjoong, Jongho on the right side of Seonghwa, and Mingi next to Jongho unfortunately. Mingi had decided to be a pain in the ass and clung onto Jongho the entire time ignoring all the threats falling from Jongho’s lips. Thankfully, Jongho finally gave in, and by the time they got to the 3rd movie they were all fast asleep.

~~~~~

Yeosang, Wooyoung, and San decided to hangout at the park and to be honest Yeosang wouldn't have known what to do if Seonghwa would’ve tagged along. He wanted to put him at a distance until everything gets cleared up but he just couldn't bring himself to pretend like everything was okay just how Jongho did.

“Do you think Seonghwa actually did it?” Yeosang asked the other two. “I honestly don’t know what to think.. I mean all this evidence!.. There's no way someone could’ve found a random video online and turned it around. This seems like a legit video and we haven’t even heard about Seonghwa’s past! All we know is that he transferred schools because of some problems which here we can assume why!” Wooyoung exclaimed. “Wooyoung is right, we can do some more digging if you want but these things are adding up and not in a good way for Seonghwa.”

Yeosang sighed, he wanted them to tell him ‘oh no he would never’ but instead he was faced with them being against Hwa. Even though he found himself agreeing with Woo and San deep down he felt guilt crawling around in his stomach. “Yeah let’s figure out the truth and either find justice or fight for our hyung.”

In the end, they brushed down the topic and decided to have fun at the park. Yeosang was flexing his skateboarding skills while San and Wooyoung cheered. After a bit, Yeosang decided to let the other two try which ended up with Wooyoung sprawled on the floor and the others laughing. After a day full of laughter and fun, they finally decided to head home content with how their day went only to realize that they would have to face a greater issue the moment they arrived home. Avoiding Seonghwa.

To their surprise, when they opened the dorm door they expected to hear the 5 being chaotic but were met with silence, the noise of the TV the only source of sound. As they walked further into the room honestly expecting them to be out they realized that they were all cuddling on the couch including Jongho who is very ‘distant’ from the members. The trio were confused but their hearts couldn’t help but be filled with warmth and happiness. So they decided to let the 5 be and instead went inside Yeosang’s room.

The next day was only gloomier than the others. The moment Seonghwa checked his phone, he saw that antis had been spamming the internet with death threats for Seonghwa. They even went as far as to get Seonghwas personal number leading to Seonghwa’s phone being taken by the company after Seonghwa read a comment that led to him hyperventilating on the floor in the dorm. Even so, that didn’t take Seonghwas mind off the fact that people wanted him dead but instead, it made him feel worse. He had been planning on telling Jongho, Hongjoong, and Mingi about his past as he had only told Yunho the details but he just couldn’t bring himself to even find the need to protect himself and clear his name. His brain was filled to the brim with thoughts like ‘you should just kill yourself’ and ‘no one loves you not even Ateez’ which had taken a toll on him overall.

It was barely 10 am and all this shit had already happened, if only it stayed just like this…

Seonghwa found himself lying on the bed, numb and tired when all of a sudden the door burst open. “HYUNG! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! I- I can't believe you would do something like this!?” Wooyoung yelled as he threw a phone on the bed not caring where it landed. Seonghwa who was frightened by Wooyoung's yell scrambled to grab the phone only to see a better video angle of his harassment but what he saw was different than what originally happened. Rather than his own face, it was the face of Yeon-su on his body and his face on the guy who did the dirty things to him. This was edited to seem real but how was he going to prove that?! How could he prove that this video is a deep fake. The video he was threatened with he had already deleted and blocked so he had no proof! His mind seemed to be racing so much that he didn't even realize Wooyoung left the room until he had finally looked up to explain himself.

The moment he figured out Wooyoung left the room storming he immediately jumped up and ran towards the living room where he expected them to be

“This isn't what it looks like!” Seonghwa said as he ran only to look around the dorm; Wooyoung's face twisted with hate and disgust, Yeosang’s with disgust and sadness, and San's with sadness, disgust and hate. He turned to the other side, Hongjoong looked numb, Yunho shocked but full of pity, Mingi confused, and Jongho unsure.

“Please! This isn't real!” Seonghwa pleaded, the tears falling hard as he desperately tried to explain. “She must have edited it!”

“Don't even try to play victim seonghwa.” Wooyoung yelled as he turned his head around. “There's no point. You got caught and are going to be placed in custody.” He said as he turned to walk towards Seonghwa “I fucking hate you, I can't believe I've trusted and cared for a creep and abuser.” He was right in front of Seonghwa pushing his finger harshly on his chest “I never want to see you around me and the members. Get the fuck out!” Wooyoung spit out his voice filled with venom as he lifted his hand to slap the other

Seonghwa felt his heart drop. He closed his eyes waiting for the impact only to feel nothing. He opened his eyes only to see Hongjoong gripping tightly on Wooyoung's hand. “OW WHAT THE FUCK HYUNG! Are you seriously protecting this asshole!” “You will NOT lay a hand on him.” “He deserves-” “You. Will. Not. Lay. A. Hand. On. Him. Do you understand.” Hongjoong said, his voice deeper than ever as he glared Wooyoung down. “Tch. Whatever.” Wooyoung muttered as he walked away, Yeosang and San following along.

Seonghwa didn't know what to do. They hate him. He felt so useless and dirty. “Why me… Why!” he wailed as he finally broke down.

Hongjoong pulled Seonghwa in a hug, rubbing the others back in a soothing way. Hongjoong had only gotten short explanations of Seonghwa's past. He knew the other was bullied for being trans but he had never heard names or got details of what was done to him, he only knew it got to the point he had to transfer schools and move into the city. He knew that whatever that video was is not the full story. He had no idea who the people in the video were but he had an idea that it was related to that day he found Seonghwa passed out.

He slowly walked Seonghwa to the couch where the other three awaited. He sat himself down, Seonghwa right next to him with his legs on top of Hongjoong's legs before He cupped Seonghwa's face, ignoring the looks of surprise on the others' faces as he whispered “Seonghwa my star, look at me.. it's just me okay.. they will come around once they know the truth but right now what I need you to tell me is very important.” Seonghwa's tear filled eyes looked up at Hongjoongs who only had a look of sorrow and love. Seonghwa understood that he was trying to help so he nodded. “Thank you angel.” Hongjoong said as he kissed Seonghwa’s forehead. “I want you to explain to me everything that happened. With your old school and bullies but before that I want you to clear your mind and think about letting Mingi, Yunho, and Jongho know along with myself. We will help you Hwa! We won't leave you”

At that Seonghwa had begun to cry once more “I love you Joongie.. I love you so much..” Hongjoong couldn't help it any longer as he leaned forward and brought Seonghwa into a deep but soft kiss, completely forgetting about the others.

Seonghwa broke the kiss before he began to speak

“There's this girl.. Yeon-Su who made my high school life hell. She beat me, called me names for being trans, and made her friends do the same. At one point it got to the point I was sent to the hospital after being beaten till I was unconscious. After that we finally moved to Seoul, but before that she recorded… she fucking recorded me un-...”

Seonghwa's voice cracked as he recalled what he saw. He took in a deep shaky breath and continued “she recorded me laying on the ground as those monsters-.. as they touched me all over” he removed his legs from Hongjoong's as he curled them up to his chest hugging them as support

“They assaulted me and I had no idea until she threatened me with the same video not long after our debut.. That video where she claims the girl is her is actually me as she just let her minions touch me… Everytime I see that video I can feel them and it makes me sick… so I deleted all the evidence… I'm so scared.. I’m so fucking sacred..”

By the end, Hongjoong and Yunho could no longer hold in their emotions as they both rushed to comfort Seonghwa.

“We will make sure everyone knows the truth.. You will be alright” Hongjoong said as he held Seonghwa tight, not caring that Yunho was practically squishing them both together.

Chapter Text

Chapter 15 pt2

“Seonghwa, do you have your hospital reports?” Hongjoong asked a while after Seonghwa was able to relax. “I have to ask my parents” he replied, his voice slightly hoarse from all the crying. “You should call them and explain, I’m extremely sure that they may have some evidence of that time and maybe some more they haven't told or shown you,” Hongjoong suggested.

Seonghwa contemplated that idea. He didn’t want to worry his parents especially when he remembered his father telling him that he may get hurt in the process, but he knew that this wasn’t a situation that could be brushed off and he was pretty sure they already knew.. This story isn’t exactly a quiet one and many people are not happy, allowing all their ideas to flood the internet not caring about the effect it has on Seonghwa or if it reaches globally.

This was a real case that involved the authorities, careful consideration, and lots of evidence, and in all honesty, he had expected the police and detectives to have detain him hours ago with that video released…

“I will make sure to call them Joong. But would it be enough?.. Like people already hate me what if they think this is bullshit-” Seonghwa exclaimed. “Listen to me Seonghwa, these documents are proof that you are the victim. The doctor must have realized that these wounds are caused by others and he most likely consulted your parents and stored a record of bullying or harassment.” With this Seonghwa was able to calm down once again. This restlessness always returns whenever discussing the situation. He was tired; right when everything was going well, things went wrong…

“Thank you Joongie, I know I would’ve already lost my mind without you,” Seonghwa said as he leaned into Hongjoong's warmth. “Of course my star, I’ll always be with you and you know that,” Hongjoong said, pulling Seonghwa closer to his body. His heart hurt so much for Seonghwa, he was the sweetest and most precious person he had ever met in his life. He didn’t know why he had to be the target of all this mistreatment.

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Hongjoong left for the company studio 30 minutes ago. Even if Seonghwa was currently on hiatus the rest of the members still had to complete their idol duties making Seonghwa feel lonely and alone. He shook his head as a way to stop himself from burying himself in thoughts that'll lead to him doing something he'd regret

He decided to call his parents right now that he had the chance, not wanting to wait until later in case he broke down.

He didn't have his phone but thankfully the dorm still had a landline active so he dialed his mom's phone number with little hope of being answered.

“Hello?” He suddenly heard. “Mom?..” “Seonghwa? Oh my god, my baby! How are you feeling? Is everything okay? Do we need to come to your company? HONEY, IT'S SEONGHWA!” he heard her yell off into the distance after the questions but all he could think about was the fact she didn't yell at him… she didn't hate him…

That was his final straw as he dropped down to his knees clutching the phone as close to his ear and body as he could. “Mom.. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's not real Mom y'know what happened! Don't believe them, Mom I love you-” “Baby breathe, I love you too Hwa, you are the best son I could ever have and of course, I know you didn't do it… Is it that bitch from high school?” She questioned not caring about how she referred to that wrench.

“I've always hated that girl, y'know I kept all the apology letters the school made her write, they were meant to go to you but they weren't apologies, they said horrible things about you, and Every Time I read them it made my blood boil but it motivated me to tell you how amazing you are and how much people were envious of you.” She said, Seonghwa not responding as he cried hard as each word left her mouth.

She comforted Seonghwa until the poor boy was able to stop crying. After he was able to calm down his mom asked again “Did you need something? How do you feel? Would it make you feel better if me and your dad visited you?”

Seonghwa finally let out a chuckle at his mom's persistent nature “Things have been hard, I won't lie, but I needed to call you for clarity… And yeah it would be nice to get a visit but only if you can. I don't want to be a bother…” “A bother?” She scoffed “Seonghwa you don't know long me and your father have been waiting for an invitation, you may not believe me but your father is pressing his ear up against my phone to hear you speak” “Hi Dad,” Seonghwa said, a smile decorating his face.“Hello mini-me” his father responded immediately.

“Also Mom, when you visit can you bring me the notes and my medical record from that day..” it was a tough topic to talk about for their family “Yeah of course!...” She responded, the sadness clear in her voice even if she tried to seem happy. “Thank you..and I love you both so much… You guys are the best parents I could ever ask for. Let's see each other soon, yeah?” “Yeah, very soon,” they both said together as they hung up the call.

Seonghwa felt the tears coming back in full force. Soon he would have the proof he needs to get back at Yeon-Su. He would be free soon..

Chapter Text

Chapter 16:

It was midnight when the members arrived back at the dorm. Seonghwa who was falling asleep waiting on the couch perked up when he heard the doorknob turn and the loud voices of the members filling the room. His heart still hurt when he saw Wooyoung, followed by San and Yeosang brush past everyone and go into their rooms ignoring Seonghwa completely.

Unfortunately, ever since this scandal came out Yeosang has not been sleeping in their shared dorm instead he slept with San and Wooyoung. Seonghwa missed him if he was being honest. He missed the days when Yeosang would stay awake and just talk to him and Jongho whenever they felt lonely or bored and the Captain was out. But this only fueled Seonghwa’s need for Justice, he wanted to bring these days back…he knew it would be satisfying to finally have Ateez build a stronger bond together without anyone missing or ignored, he would never wants any of the members to feel this way. He wanted all 8 of them to be together like a family, and he will do anything to make sure that happens.

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Over the next 3 days, things have been eerily quiet, of course people were still fuming but Seonghwa was no longer the star of every single new cast in Korea. Unfortunately, even if he was no longer a big focus, there were still many protestors outside of KQ protesting for Seonghwa to get kicked out. Not only that but Woo, Yeo, and Sannie were still on no talk terms with him. It almost as if they were not afraid to hide it anymore..

When Seonghwa woke up, he decided things can't keep going on like this, he needed to do something. He needed to fix things for the sake of ateez.

He walked into the kitchen surprised to see Wooyoung cooking breakfast. It has been a while since he has cooked and oh my how much Seonghwa has missed this. He felt his eyes tear up before he walked closer, “Woo can we talk?” he tried softly. “Im in a good mood Seonghwa-shi, please dont ruin it.” Woo replied coldly. “Im sorry..” Seonghwa said trying his hardest to keep his emotions contained as he decided to just sit down and wait for the others. Thankfully it didnt take long for Mingi and Yunho to walk out of their shared room and sit down with Seonghwa. “GOOD MORNINGGGG!” Mingi said not caring about how loud his voice was. “You’re so loud hyung” they suddenly heard from behind, only realizing it was Jongho as he sat down, his bed hair in all directions and his eyes almost fully shut. “Whats wrong Seonghwa hyung?” Jongho asked after a big yawn and nice stretch “Nothing I'm just tired” Seonghwa tried, putting up a fake smile hoping Jongho would believe it. “Hm, okay.” He responded clearly not conformed with that answer but didnt push it.

Slowly everyone else came out of their room just in time for Wooyoung to start passing out plates. Of course, Hongjoong got the first plate, followed by Yunho, then Yeosang, then San, then Mingi and finally Jongho. Seonghwa was confused but he figured he didnt have any right to ask for food so he waited patiently. That was until Wooyoung came with on last plate and set it infornt of himself not sparing Seonghwa a second glance as he began to dig in.

Then it hit him. Oh. oh…

Hongjoong’s Pov
He woke up with an odd felling in his stomach. He knew something bad was going to happen but he had no idea what. He was for sure hoping it had nothing to do with Ateez or specifically Seonghwa. He couldn’t bear the idea of Seonghwa getting hurt more than he already was. He knew that Seonghwa was bottling up his feelings and he knew how dangerous it could be if he ignored any signs his Star was giving.

He walked into the kitchen and saw almost everyone sitting at the table except for himself and Wooyoung who was cooking.

Maybe his gut feeling was wrong today.. Everything seems to have gotten better, seeing everyone at the table together made his heart leap with joy. Maybe things were fixed between Seonghwa and the other 3. Hongjoong let out the sigh he didn't know he was holding and allowed himself to relax and enjoy breakfast.

Thankfully he didn’t need to wait for a long time seeing as Woo had been cooking for a while now and already had most of the plates ready to be served. Finally Wooyoung came and began to pass out food. Usually Wooyoung gives the food in age order but he skipped Seonghwa this time… His gut feeling suddenly began to spike up and he knew something was coming.

Wooyoung suddenly sat down, not having given Seonghwa a plate causing Seonghwa to clearly look around confused with tear filled eyes. Seonghwa excused himself saying he was going to clean but Hongjoong knew that was bull.

“What the fuck is wrong with you” Hongjoong said standing up from his chair focusing on Wooyoung as the others except the usual three called out for Seonghwa.

Wooyoung just glanced up and shrugged not bothering to answer as he kept eating. “Answer when im talking to you Wooyoung.” Hongjoong said clearly pissed. Wooyoung swallowed his food as he said “Abusers don’t deserve to eat”

“He’s not an abuser Woo, how many more times do we have to say it. That girl is lying” Hongjoong retorted. “And where is the proof of that, Hongjoong? How the fuck are you just going to ignore a possible sexual assault victim for a person who could’ve possibly done exactly what you claim he hasn’t. This is the problem of this world. Nobody believes in the person speaking up about things, this is why people who are sexually assaulted never say anything! Everyone ignores them! Until you show me why Seonghwa is innocent I will continue to treat him as an abuser. End of it.”

Everyone was left speechless. Wooyoung has a point, but the thing is Hongjoong knows Hwa is innocent and the only way to prove to Wooyoung and everyone else is by getting the documents and having Seonghwa come out to the rest of the members. Of course, he could still say it but what would that do, it'll only out Seonghwa and nothing else. There is still a possibility Wooyoung and others would argue that he could’ve still assaulted the Woman as he could still fit the criteria of the man shown in the video, especially with the deep fake floating around.

“Whatever,” Hongjoong said as he walked away. He knew it looked cowardly but what else could he do in this moment? He decided that comforting Seonghwa was more important than arguing with Wooyoung would never listen.

Seonghwa's Pov
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Trigger warning: Self harm and suicide attempt!!!

Seonghwa was completely heart broken. But its okay he didnt deserve food, It okay he just a burden and shouldn’t ask because he deserves it, its okay.. He tried to convince himself. “Im going to go clean” He surprisingly mustered out without his voice breaking. His ears were ringing, as he completely ignored the calls from the members.

He locked himself into his room as tears finally began to fall from his eyes. He bit his lips to prevent the loud cries from leaving his mouth as he struggled to breathe. You can’t cry you have no reason to cry. You fucking crybaby, always crying for every little thing, Stupid Stupid Stupid. FUCK.

‘They hate me, it wont be any use to prove myself, they are just lying to me they hate me.’ He somehow found himself in the bathroom. His mind repeating the same thing over and over again. ‘I don't deserve to keep living. they dont care about me. I should just die, they’ll finally be happy without me, all I do is bring more problems to everyone.’ He found himself reaching the cabinet he seemed to grow very much familiar with. He grabbed the razor hidden all the way in the back and put it to his wrist no longer caring about hiding it but instead wanted to get rid of all the feelings making his heart hurt. He cut and cut and cut until blood began to drip down onto the counter. Each time pressing the blade down harder and harder hoping each time the harsher sting takes all the pain away. He couldn’t take it anymore as he threw the blade away from himself, it wasn't working..

The only thing he could think of that would help was the bottle of Ibuprofen sitting on the corner of the shelf. He grabbed it and held it in his hands as he took in the view of his bleeding wrist. He then looked at himself all disheveled in the mirror, his emotionless and red eyes scanning what he called his pathetic self. He brought himself to look away and back down to the pill bottle in his hand. ‘Do it, take off the burden from everyone, the moment you do it is the moment the world will be free from you,’ No matter how hard his heart was pouding, his mind was already set. He took off the tap and poured everything he could into his hands. He took a deep breath before he put everything he could into his mouth and swallowed as best as he could, showering it all down with tap water. It hurt and tasted absolutely disgusting having the taste of pills linger on his tongue but only then did it hit him what exactly he had done. It was over for him.. He was going to die…

He washed his face with water and began to wash the dry blood from his wrist. The more Seonghwa poured water on it the more the cuts seemed to bleed and sting. He gave up after a minute and reached for the bandages in the cabinet where his razor was. He wrapped them tightly around his wrist not caring how sloppy he was with it, he was going to die anyways, it was just a matter of when. He went to where he threw his razor, made sure no blood splattered everywhere, and threw it in the trash making sure it was out of view. He walked out of the bathroom, grabbed a piece of paper, sat down, and began to write. Ignoring Hongjoongs calls and knocks

‘Hi guys, I wonder when exactly you’ll find this letter but you’ve either realized I'm not waking up or it's before then, Well I decided to rid you guys of a burden so that you can remain as Ateez happily without me causing a mess. Please do not think that I did this because of a plate of food, of course not that’ll be silly. As you all know I've been caught in a scandal, and yes I understand you guys are upset but I want to say that it is not true. There is no point in fighting back anymore because it's already over. My parents are going to bring the documents please look at them and tell people the truth. Please don’t let Yeon-su win. But enough of that I don't care anymore, this letter is for you guys not about clearing my name. Imma miss you guys and please don’t let me ruin Ateez. Make use of my absence, do great things, and reach success. I'll be watching over every single one of you guys, I wont hesitate to haunt you guys if you are moping around beware.

Joongie, my love, please keep fighting and lead Ateez to great success, do not let me slow you down. I'm still here in your heart and if I do pass remember me in the stars or even Mars. I love you so so much and im glad i was able to spend my time with you. Maybe in another life, we will be together for the entirety of our lives and maybe even have a family with each other, but in this life please find someone you love, someone who will take care of you during those sleepless nights. Make sure you eat you dummy. Set alarms that remind you to do things because knowing you, you’ll probably bury yourself in work. You got this!fighting, i'll be here always guarding you and the others. I love you so much and I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep fight my dear..’

Seonghwa couldn’t bring himself to write anymore, his vision was very blurred with tears and his head began to pound. He felt the anxiety pool at his stomach as he felt his stomach burn. It was unknown to Seonghwa if it was due to the pills or if it was because he hasn't ate for a long time. He carefully folded the letter and wrote to Ateez on it, before he stood up losing his balance but quickly recovering. Walked towards the door finally opening it only to see Hongjoong sitting right in front of the door, tears streaming down his face. ‘Look at what you did, you made your everything cry.’ “Hwa, youre okay” Hongjoong said as he stood up quickly pulling Seonghwa into his embrace. “What Wooyoung did was a shitty move but everything will be okay yeah,” Seonghwa’s heart began to hurt once again, knowing that this would be the last day he’ll be seeing his Love. “Lets go lie down, I want to see the others.” “Are you sure, Wooyoung is still there being an asshole,” “Its okay, I really want to.. Please?” “Okay Okay, lets go.”

End of trigger warning

Hongjoong grabbed Seonghwa's hand and led him to the couch where everyone was gathered despite the harsh tension.

Hongjoong sat down first pulling Seonghwa down next to him, while giving Wooyoung a death glare. Woo clearly felt the stare as he tensed up but still refused to say anything.

“I dont feel too good Joongie, imma take a nap yeah.” Seonghwa said in a whisper. “Of course my love, make sure you are resting well darling” Hongjoong replied, kissing Seonghwa on his forehead. Seonghwa felt his consciousness fade in and out before he managed to muster out a “Im sorry, I love you all so much” As he could no longer hear or feel a thing as he slipped into the darkness.

“I'm going to go get my charger, I’ll be right back,” Yeosang said, breaking the silence. He stood up and rushed into his room. As he entered his room and went to his charger he noticed the paper on the desk that was written to Ateez. He had no idea whose it was but since it was written to the whole team he decided that it was okay to read it. He opened it up and the first thing he noticed was the wet patches splattered all over the note, he couldn’t even get through the first couple of sentences before tears of his own began to fall and his heart fell to his stomach.

Trigger warning!!!!! Grief and LOTS OF CRYING

He immediately ran outside and into the living room rushing to Seonghwa not caring about everyone's concerned questions on why he was crying. He cupped Seonghwa's cold face as he began to sob out “Seonghwa wake up, please wake up, no no please you can't leave us,” He couldn’t hold back the sobs falling out of his mouth as he begged for his hyung to wake up. Everyone was startled about Yeosang’s panicked voice “CALL AN AMBULANCE PLEASE!” he yelled as he cried out. Yunho was the first one to jump to action, immediately pulling out his phone and calling for help. Yeosang continued to shake Seonghwa, praying that he’ll open his eyes, confused about all the noise any second now but it never came. That's when Yeosang felt someone drag him back as he screamed no no no over and over again only to be embraced, snapping him out of his panicked state. “You're okay Yeosang, Your okay nothing is happening,” It was Wooyoung, he looked back to where Seonghwa was, seeing Hongjoong checking the others pulse as tears ran down his face and the sobs escaped his mouth “NO NO LET ME GO WE HAVE TO HELP HIM HE’S DYING” Yeosang yelled, thrashing around trying to get Seonghwa. “YEO PLEASE! THEY ARE COMING, IT'LL BE O-OKAY” Wooyoung sobbed out, his grip getting weaker and weaker as the pain took over his body. “he'll be okay… he has to be okay… I'm such an asshole.. what the fuck did it just do.. I'm a murderer… I killed him, I FUCKING KILLED HIM” Wooyoung yelled in grief, as he let go of Yeosang whose body went limp.

The sirens sounded in the distance, it all passed by in a blur with only the sound of muffled noises left as the boys could only cry and yell out for Seonghwa to wake up but unfortunately Seonghwa’s eyes did not open. The paramedics arrived taking Seonghwa out of a crying Hongjoongs arms and they checked his vitals, before rushing him out.

Now they were all at the hospital waiting for news. Hongjoong could not bring himself to stop pacing around, he could not allow himself to rest until he knew how Hwa was doing.

“Family of Park Seonghwa?” They suddenly heard.

The tears and dread immediately returned to Hongjoong as he ran over to the doctor ready to hear whatever news he could get. “Is he alright doctor? Please tell me he's alright, please please… is he going to wake up? Please do anything to save him” Hongjoong begged through his tears.

Chapter Text

Hi guys, I'm sorry I haven't been active in writing.. uhm me and my partner split up and it's been hard to write anything ateez or fluffy at the moment since it was kinda our thing yknow. Im going to take a break off this fic until I am able to write without getting in my feels which as you can tell has already started but I decided to let you guys know and not keep you waiting so blindly. However, keep in mind this is not the end I will return the moment It doesn't hurt anymore. I will maybe write another thing just not ateez unfortunately. see you guys soonnn