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James was in the dorm alone after spending the afternoon with Sirius, Remus and Peter. He had wanted some time alone for once - which had come as a bit of a shock to his friends - but James had really needed a bit of time to think. He can't do that with his friends surrounding him all the time in the time they usually did, even if he loved them until the stars burned out.
He was relaxing in the rare moment his time was purely and solely his. He wasn't sharing his time with anyone anymore. His mind was free to do as it always wished - be independent of external factors - but his thoughts were everywhere but where they were supposed to be. In a way, James was thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. James is sometimes under the impression that maybe he's too much. Maybe he's always been too much, to everyone he's ever known. Even himself. He never thought that the enemy his mind had created was something that people could see in a negative light. For the first time he was aware of, he was wrong. The enemy his mind had created was just as much an enemy to everyone else.
Because if his energy wasn't something that was overbearing, why had Lily despised his every attempt to prove the length of his love to her? Why had his love always been returned with nothing? Why did he give everything, and allow anyone to take it all, to leave him empty at the end?
Don't get him wrong, he and Lily have been able to forgive each other. They have been able to gain back what the other took and they've learnt to love each other in a way both of them understand. He considers Lily a friend, and he could never find the ability in him to hate her for what happened all those years ago, when young James had taken one look at the witch with green eyes and thought she was the love of his life. Except the truth of his love for Lily won't, can't and never will be able to change the way those years, the years he had spent constantly trying to prove his love to her, had made him feel that his love was one of two extremes: everything or nothing.
Those years of him chasing and running after her weren't as easy as others may have thought. To James, now, it felt like he had always just been running to catch up. He in no way blamed Lily for how he felt when he was alone.
Some nights James cried himself to sleep in Sirius' arms for the sole reason that he was exhausted. He was exhausted from giving his all and getting nothing back. He'd been the same for years. Filling everyone else's cups with his own water, without refilling his own cup. So why was he so surprised it was empty now? Sometimes he couldn't smile as bright as others wanted him to. And sometimes he got tired of being the sun everyone acted like he was, and sometimes he wanted to just drown everything out. Sometimes he didn't want to be the sun. Sometimes he just wanted to be the moon and sometimes, sometimes, sometimes.
Those years wore him out and he was exhausted and he got tired. He was tired. Never of Lily. Never from being around the people he loves. But he was tired of himself. Of being the one that loves and loves and loves and never stops and never receives love in return that could match his.
Sometimes he thinks he gives himself too much of a responsibility of being the person that brightens up someone's day. Because he was fine, he was okay and his friends weren't and they needed him to be a pillar for them.To be someone they can rely on. He bottles all types of negative energy he finds and tries to make them turn into something brighter and happier. It never worked quite like that, and sometimes the very opposite happened.
Other times James thinks that maybe he could be a liability. Never in a way where he thinks his existence is bad, never. But in the way where he feels too lucky. He sees Sirius after the holiday breaks and remembers how lucky he is to have parents who love him. Who cares for him. He sees Remus after he's spent the night howling at the moon, and remembers how lucky he is to not be viewed as a monster from the outside world. He sees Peter after they think they're invisible, and remembers how lucky he is that his confidence is not drowned out by the crowd. He thinks if he could give Sirius his parents, Peter his confidence and Remus his humanity he would feel much better. He would feel closer to the sun.
Maybe James wasn't okay. Maybe he couldn't always be the sun, but he can always try. James would never stop trying. That might not be healthy, his therapist would likely strongly advise against it, but he doesn't care. Being someone people can rely on, depend on, that's what really matters to him. Because at the end of the day his friends are everything to him. If he could, he would give them the world and more. Always more. Because James Potter was the sun. But not because he was bright. That wasn't his similarity with the sun. Why was James Potter the sun? Well, it's a simple fact.
They would both eventually burn out.