Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The sun illuminated a strip of dying light against the ocean, cascading an orange glow upon the darkening beach. Waves crashed against the shore, rippling and indenting the sand with each unforgiving strike of water to the sand. On another day, maybe a year ago, Addison would have considered this beautiful. The delicate dance between the sand and the ocean was, once upon a time, breathtaking. It was slow, it was nice, it was calming. Now, though, the sound of water on sand left a bile rumble in her throat, like something with a massive hand had reached down her throat and into her stomach, gathering everything she’d eaten that day and teasing her about bringing it back up. The beach made Addison want to flee, everytime she watched it, Addison wanted to bolt in the opposite direction, be careless and abandon ( not abandon, Addison, she often had to remind herself) her patients to another doctor and pack up and leave, possibly leave the country. Go missing. Fake her death. 

But she had Henry to think about now. She had a delicate little human with chubby cheeks and sticky hands, and Addison would not uproot his entire life because his mom was emotionally unstable and was unable to concentrate enough to take care of herself properly. She had Henry, this small toddler who depended on her for everything, who just wanted to know when his daddy would come home, who was confused when Addison said he was never coming home. She had a toddler, who cried himself to sleep countless times in his mothers arms because he finally understood that his dad was dead (understood being the wrong word. He didn’t understand, not at all, he just knew that anytime he mentioned his dad, his mom closed herself off from him. Toddler or not, Henry was a damn genius). She had a child, who she would never run from. Henry needed her and as much as she hated to admit she needed anyone, she needed her son. 

So she stayed, and she watched the ocean lap at the shore with fervent need. She watched the sunset from her balcony, most nights with Henry curled up in her lap - Henry loved watching the sunsets - and a glass of wine. Addison watched, almost every night, as the sun began to set from somewhere beyond the ocean lines. She’d watch the moon rise most nights, and sometimes she stayed there until the moon set and the sun rose again. But, each time, Addison knew she would never truly be happy again. She’d never experience love beyond her son, she’d never feel more, full and happy again. Her happiness went down with the car, circled the drain for months, it had died the night she had to make the choice to pull the plug on her husband. It was like a cruel joke, a cosmic game and she was at the center. She was the star of the game, with billions laughing at her like she meant nothing - like her life was just a ball that could be kicked around. She was twenty-nine, far too young to be experiencing shit like this, and yet here she was. Staring at the ocean while the sun set slowly in the horizon.

Henry was curled in her lap, head resting on her chest. He liked to hear her heartbeat. It reminded him that she was, in fact, still alive. His little fingers were curled in her beige sweater, twisting his hands so he wouldn’t fall. I’ll never let you go, Jake had once told her, hands resting on her shoulders. He’s almost here, okay? Henry’s almost here, baby. I’m right here. The words she’d uttered to Henry that night, the night she had to tell him his father was dead - it’s okay, baby, I’m right here. I’ll never let you go - bounced around in her head like an echo and a constant reminder of the words Jake uttered to her while Henry was being stubborn, refusing to enter the world. Jake was gone, Henry didn’t quite understand, and Addison was barely hanging on. 

When she felt Henry’s breath even out, his hands loosening their grip in her sweater, Addison tore her eyes away from the sun, kissing the top of her son's head. She placed her glass of wine on the glass table beside her, wrapping her arms around Henry to brace him as she stood, somehow managing to remain elegant as she did so, striding inside through the open sliding door. Henry was a magnificent sleeper. Addison was grateful for this as she set him down on the left side of her bed - Jake’s side - and returned to the patio to retrieve their belongings; the toys Henry was playing with before he snuggled up against her, her cellphone and the nearing empty wine glass. She’d return to her bedroom, leaving Henry’s toys there as she headed down to her kitchen to put her glass away and get Henry a bottle of water, and then she’d walk back upstairs and curl in bed beside Henry, wrap her arms around him and hold him tightly against her. I’ll never let you go, she had once whispered into the dead of the night. He couldn’t hear her, obviously, it was almost midnight and Henry could sleep through a tornado, but it made her feel safer and she could finally drift off to join her son in sleep. 

Tonight it seemed god had different plans for her, though. She had just reached her bedroom and flicked the lamp off by the door, she turned to the window to close the blinds and prevent sunlight from streaming in in the morning - it was her day off tomorrow - when she caught sight of her new neighbors in their backyard. It seemed she was just in time to bring Henry inside, because her rowdy group of neighbors were having a damn party, and Addison was livid. The last time they had done that - within the first week of moving in - a drunken idiot had knocked on her backdoor to ask her a fucking stupid question, and had woken up and scared the shit out of Henry. She drew the blinds and hoped to ignore them. 

Addison joined Henry, sliding under the duvet and pulling her toddler closer, kissing the top of his head and closing her eyes, breathing in his sweet toddler-smell that she was lucky to still be able to have. All was fine, in fact it was great, and she was just about to nod off when, much to her dismay, the music outside was turned up to a crazy level and Henry stirred, whining at the noise. Addison’s fury matched the color of her hair; redder than the sun that had set mere hours ago, and Addison shushed Henry before she slipped to the balcony door and yanked it open, shutting it carefully and leaning over the edge of the bannister. 

It took a few tries to get the attention of the homeowner - a petite blonde woman - to turn the music down. “Don’t you morons have anything else to do at night?” Addison snapped, venom dragged through her voice and she swears she saw the boys flinch. “Not that you care, or anything, but I have a toddler who keeps getting woken up by your midnight party time. You have neighbors, don’t you get that? Or are you all just stupid teenagers using your parents' summertime house to cause problems for the neighborhood?” When she received no answer, Addison gestured to the house beside her own. “See that house? There’s a doctor there with his daughter and granddaughter. They’re pissed at these parties too. The one beside yours? A college student lives there. She has a class at six in the morning. And me? If you wake my toddler up one more time, you can babysit him while I’m at work. Unpaid. And he doesn’t like idiots who can’t keep it in their pants. Sometimes I think he’s more mature than most people, present company included. So shut up and go to bed before I call the cops on a noise complaint.” Without waiting for a reply, Addison turned on her heel and opened the door, closing it behind her and drawing the curtains again. 

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She placed the plate in the sink, returning to the living room to lift Henry out of his high chair to let him play with some of the toys kept next to the TV. Thankfully, her delightful neighbors had surprisingly shut down their party last night after she yelled at them, and Henry didn’t wake up again that night. Addison was happy that the practice gave her Friday through Sunday off because it gave her more time to spend with her son - and truthfully, she probably would’ve bitten somebodies head off today if she had to go in, thanks to her absolutely fucking peachy neighbors. Mark and Callie were due at her place today for a playdate with Henry. Sofia, her best friends’ daughter, was a year older than her own son, and they had become pretty much best friends because Addison was usually always hanging out with Sofia, Mark, and Callie. Although her two best friends had split up after Callie found out she was pregnant, they both remained in Sofia’s life to provide her with a stable childhood, and two loving parents. They rarely fought, and it reminded Addison so much, sometimes, about the childhood she never had. Everytime she saw them together with Sofia, she couldn’t help but allow her mind to wander off to her own childhood - playing in her fathers study while he fucked someone new, and then lying to Bizzy when she asked what she had done all day. Or Bizzy herself, being so emotionally cold and physically unavailable that Addison relied on her damn nannies to raise her. 

Addison vowed to never treat her own children like that, and had all but banned her family from ever meeting Jake, much less Henry. Bizzy had tried, but Addison had flat out refused to let her inside. Jake backed her up, hovering behind her while Henry was napping. Bizzy had never tried again. 

A knock at her back door pulled her from her thoughts - she figured it was just Henry again, playing at the glass doors - but when she glanced up, her son was still in the living room, and there was a shadow illuminating from behind the gray drapes. Addison put the sponge down, turning the tap off and moving to the sliding glass that acted as a barrier between her life and the ocean. She pulled the curtain and jumped a little when she saw a group standing on her back deck, most wearing shorts and tanks. She recognized them, though, and frowned immediately as she pulled the door open anyways. She made sure Henry wasn’t visible. “Can I help you?” Came first, an angry undertone taking residence and sliding off her tongue like liquid. “What, come here to call me an ass for telling you guys to shut up last night?”

A blonde woman, taller than the other with a perky expression, frowned and spoke first. Her voice alone made Addison shiver, “no, we came to apologize for last night.” The other three didn’t look too pleased to be there, in fact one of them was staring at her with such anger that Addison was pretty sure he would combust if he didn’t yell. “It was Friday night and we had just had a successful work week, for once in our lives-”

“What are you, twenty? Have you never had a successful week before?”

“-and we wanted to celebrate that with some of our friends. We obviously didn’t think of our neighbors. We just came from Seattle, we lived on a piece of land in the middle of nowhere so neighbors weren’t exactly our specialty. I’m Izzie Stevens.”

Addison’s lips pulled tight as she glared at the four of them, eyes narrowing at the other three. “But are these three sorry? I appreciate you explaining the situation, Izzie, but I need an apology from these three, too,” Addison pointed at them, forming a smirk when Izzie had to practically shove them to the ground to beg for forgiveness, or whatever. 

“I’m not sorry,” one of the boys said, and paused when Izzie hit his shoulder with an exasperated Alex, but he barrelled on anyway. “What crawled up your ass and died? Did you, what, get divorced recently or some shit? When was the last time you handed your kid off to a babysitter and had some actual fun? Don’t shit on our fun because you can’t get laid or something.”

Addison cleared her throat and turned to the living room for a second. Henry was still playing with his trucks, making vroom vroom noises with his mouth and clinking the metal toys together to imitate air playing. She returned a withering gaze to the man who spoke - Alex? - and responded, even and calm, “hand my kid off to a babysitter? Are you twelve? Have some super bad emotional baggage that your therapist can’t even help? You have neighbors. Remember that, next time, if you want to stay out of trouble with the cops here. Now, if you’re going to be spoiled brats with a god complex, you can get off my property and stay off.” She made a dismissing gesture towards them, moving to slide the door closed again when a hand shot out to stop her. “Izzie, let go of my door.”

“He is sorry, but Alex is an ass. He won’t admit it to someone he likes - he spent the night blushing,” Izzie added as an afterthought when she saw a look of confusion flash across Addison’s face, stepping back and away from the door. “We’re all sorry, but these morons don’t know how to apologize. We spoke to the college students next door to us, and the young girl at your neighbors place - I think she said her name was Maya? Anyway, she accepted and told us you wouldn’t be so open, but like, we were a little nervous. Some, though, more than others. Can I apologize to your toddler? I’d like to. I feel bad.”

Addison thought for a second, turning back to the living room to debate the question with herself. Sighing, she called him over and pushed the door open a little wider when he put his trucks down and toddled over, gripping her leg from behind and barely showing his face. “Henry, baby, remember last night when you woke up because of some loud noises?” He nodded, scrunching his nose in that stupidly adorable way Addison loved. “These people have come to apologize to us for waking you up last night.” Henry looked up at Izzie with a frown, extending a small hand to reach for hers. Izzie gave him her hand, and he squeezed a little.

“It’s ‘kay,” he mumbled, tightening his grip around Addison’s thigh with a small smile forming, blinking up at the blonde intern. “You were loud.” Izzie nods at his observation, shooting him another quiet apology before a knock sounded inside Addison’s home. Addison bid Izzie a goodbye, a don’t be such a fucking prick following as Alex left, and slid the door closed again. By the time she had turned around, Callie and Mark had let themselves in (Callie insisted that they get their own key each, in case something were to happen and one of them needed to get inside, and in return Addison was given a spare key to both Callie and Mark’s apartments) and Henry and Sofia were already running around - Sofia’s pretty sage sweater hanging loosely off one shoulder, her striped socks already messed and mused from the carpet laying in Addison’s front hall, and Henry’s toys abandoned in front of the TV - while Mark and Callie slowly peeled off their own sweaters before advancing into the house. Addison returned to the sink. “Hey, Cal - Mark. I have loud neighbors.”

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Like a cycle, Addison found herself outside with Henry again, watching the sun lower beyond the oceanline. It was Sunday night, and Addison had to work in the morning; again. She stood in the ocean, a silk robe covering her coral-coloured bikini, with Henry standing in front of her. She had his hands in her own, walking them out a little deeper each time Henry gave a little nod of confirmation that he was ready to go further. She stopped when the water was up to his chest, just below her calves, and lifted him into her arms to situate him on her hip. Addison loved moments like this - bringing Henry outside to the ocean, stopping when the water is at the right level before lifting him and holding him close enough to hear his steady breaths, close enough to feel the calming sound of his heart still beating. Addison cherished moments like these, teaching Henry how far is far enough, listening to his laughs as he splashes through the surface with her. “Mama?” Henry whispered, turning to glance down at her, placing his tiny hands on her cheeks when she turned to look at him, humming in response. “I miss daddy.”

“I know baby, me too,” Addison replied quietly, kissing the tip of his nose. “I miss your daddy too. But hey, guess what?” When Henry tilted his head - in the same adorable way Addison tilted her head in lieu of a response (Jake used to joke that Henry was all Addison, with a little smidge of himself) - she pressed on, “your daddy would be so proud of how far you’ve come. You know that, right? You’re sleeping in your own bed again, and you can look at pancakes again,” although Henry prefers to snuggle with his mom in her bed, Addison has managed to convince him to sleep in his own bed, sometimes, at least. And for months, Henry couldn’t look at a pancake without crying because my daddy’s gone. Where did he go, mama? Daddy always made pancakes! and, somehow (Addison calls it a damn miracle) she had managed to make a pancake that he ate without realizing what it was until he was done, and by then it was too late to cry (“Baby, you just ate a pancake,” Addison had said to him, scooping up his plate again. She knew it was wrong, tricking her son into eating something that made him so sad, but she needed something to make him happy again. Pancakes did that for him, once, so she hoped it would happen again. He was little, he probably wouldn’t even remember this. “I’m so proud of you.”) “You remember what I said? About where your daddy went and why he can’t come home?”

Henry nodded, letting go of her face to avert his baby blues to the matching but darkening water. “Daddy had to go to heaven. He was needed. But he can’t come back, ‘cause whoever needed him still needs him?”

Addison knew it was wrong to give her son a sugarcoated version of the truth, but he was too young to understand what had actually happened. After all, how the hell do you tell your two-year-old that his dad died in a freak car accident and he’s never coming back? “That’s right, Henry. And I just know he’s still catching up on everything in your life, right? He’s still here,” she said, poking his nose before running her hand down his chest and placing a flat palm over his heart - still beating and steady - with a smile. “He’s in your heart, little one, he’ll always be there.” 

They both went silent. Whether it was for hours, minutes, or singular seconds, Addison wasn’t sure. She had zoned out, allowing the last of the sun’s warmth to sink into her skin. At some point, Henry had turned his head and buried it in her neck, wrapping his little arms around her shoulder like it was his lifeline. She only snapped out of her - what was it? Daydream? - when she heard a sliding door open and close a few seconds later, and multiple new voices resounded in the darkening sky. She groaned internally when she realized it was her annoyingly loud neighbors, and she even felt Henry huff. Addison chuckled, holding him tighter as she turned around and strode the short distance through the water and toward the shore, pausing briefly to collect their sandals and towels before she stepped up onto her deck, lowering Henry onto one of the lounge chairs. He was pretty dry, considering he was the one who was almost swimming and not her, but she assumed she had held him long enough for him to dry off. Still, as he dozed off on the lounge, Addison draped a towel across his little legs and dried him off completely, replacing the towel with a blanket. She placed a kiss on his forehead, scooping him up and wrapping the blanket around him to carry him inside. 

“Addison!” Izzie - since when had Izzie started calling her Addison and bothering her when she was moving her son back inside? - “Hi! How are you? Is that Henry?”

Addison turned around, hand pausing on the handle of the door, tightening her grip on Henry’s thigh. “Hi, Izzie. Yeah, it’s Henry,” she said softly, deflecting the question and smiling down at him when he shifted, turning into her and sighing. “Did you need something?” 

Izzie stepped off her own deck and moved towards Addison’s, “I just wanted to apologize again. For Friday. It wasn’t very thoughtful of us. It’ll never happen again,” Izzie approached, smiling. Addison hated it. “Can I say hi to Henry? He’s so cute.” Addison turned her body ever so slightly, and Izzie realized he was asleep. “Oh, it’s okay. Tell him I said hey?”

“Yeah, sure,” Addison replied, nodding briefly to Izzie before she pulled the door open, shooting the blonde a quick goodbye before closing the door again, not even bothering to close the curtains before she made to move up the stairs, heading for Henry’s room. 

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In all honesty, if you asked her, Addison would tell you the same thing she told Meredith and Alex this morning when she saw them in St. Ambrose; it’s fine, let’s just be professional about this. But Addison was most certainly not fine, and she was trying so hard to be professional - for my patients, she’d uttered one night after a relatively hard strike of grief - but she couldn’t stop it any longer. Jake was gone, Addison was left to raise Henry alone. Henry didn’t seem to understand the full meaning of your daddy’s in heaven baby, and he isn’t coming back but she knew he just… needed to grow. He was three, for god's sake, barely out of the phase where he coloured on her pristine white walls with green and blue and god, a black sharpie he had managed to snag from her desk. Addison didn’t get to snap, she had Henry to think about. But now, the whole aspect of staying sane for your son seemed to crumble the second she had to go tell a pregnant woman her husband died on the table of her best friend, succumbing to the entirety of his injuries and now, now, that woman was in the same boat as Addison. She finally crossed the line of I’ll be okay and I need a fucking minute. 

She thought the on-call room door was locked. Truly, she did. She remembers hitting the little button and hearing the quiet click that indicated it was locked before she moved further into the room, drawing the blinds because fuck her if someone saw Addison Forbes Montgomery start sobbing through a window. She remembers sliding down and sitting next to the bunk beds, knees drawn to her chest. She just needs a fucking minute. But, you know what they say - you make a plan and God laughs. So of course, the on-call room whipped open. It was locked, though, right? She had mascara running down her cheeks, streaking the porcelain skin that normally resided on her face. Lipstick smeared, and her hair was a disaster. How long was she in here? Addison lost track of time. And - 

“Addison?” Was whispered out into the room from her intruder, and she was suddenly very aware of her current position. She wiped under her eyes with the sleeve of her wine-red top, sliding her fingers inside the soft and warm casing. “Are you okay?”

She laughed then, at the irony of the question, because no, I’m not okay, fuck off was on the tip of her tongue. Instead - “I thought I locked the door.” is what slipped out in replacement of her snarky answer. Addison chuckled humorlessly, wiping her nose this time. “Jesus, I thought the damn door was locked. Can you leave? I’d like to be alone, if you didn’t mind.”

Then Addison looked up and met the bleary eyes of the intern she was dreading to see; Meredith fucking Grey. Her neighbor - her loud, careless, stupid neighbor - had found her crying in an on-call room. The situation, in hindsight, should not have affected her as much as it did - does - because she’s had to break the news so many times to so many different people. She could remember every single one of them that she’d told - Shane Cotter; died from a knife fight. Damien Holden, who was simply in the shower and fell. Carter Vermont, he was shot in the head - and yet this time, she’d uttered the words that the man had died, but she couldn’t bring herself to say his name, or remember his name because it was something similar to Jake Reilly and Addison wasn’t sure she would be able to say it aloud. She wasn’t sure, if she had said it, if she would be okay. If her legs would keep her from falling. She wasn’t sure at all, if she’d said his name that she would be able to go home tonight, pick her son up from daycare and be the mother Henry deserved. “It was locked, but this was the only on-call room so I had a nurse unlock it… sorry, that was a stupid question. Umm…”

“No, jeez, sorry - I’ll leave, I have to get home anyway. Henry ‘n all. Sorry.” With that, Addison somehow managed to push herself up on shaking legs, wiping away the remnants of her tears and tying her hair back in a ponytail before she pushed through the door, letting it close behind her with the small voice of Meredith’s bye following. Addison practically ran towards the exit, bumping into Callie before she reached the revolving doors that signified the entrance. Sofia giggled when Addison collided with them, and started reaching out for Addison’s face. 

“Hi, Auntie Addie,” she said with a toothy grin, placing a sloppy and wet kiss on her cheek. Addison grimaced, before returning the gesture with a kiss to her nose. “Mommy said we were gonna go see Henry tonight. Oops!” She added, as an afterthought when Callie admonished her for spilling the secret. Sofia just leaned in closer to Addison to whisper into her ear; “It was s’posed to be a secret. Daddy was gonna meet us there and surprise you when you came home with Henny. Can Henry and I play in the ocean?” 

“Yeah, ‘course you can,” Addison added in a whisper, “try not to ruin any more surprises, though, Sof. I won’t tell Henry though, so he’ll be happy to see you again so soon. What’s the occasion?” She asked, looking up to Callie. “Some drinking, maybe? Girl talk - no, wait, Sloan’s gonna be there. What’s up, Cal?” Addison pushed, noting the distressed look on her best friend's face. Her own struggles be damned if Callie needed her. Addison watched water form in the lids of Callie’s eyes, and she sighed. “Here, let me take Sofia. We’ll go get Henry, ‘kay? You and Sloan have keys to my place, just go in, get some drinks, do what you gotta do. I’ll be back as soon as I have Henry, okay?” 

Wordlessly, Callie passed Sofia to her. 

__

“Hey, Sofia, Henry, why don’t you two go play in Henry’s room when we get back?” She asked at a red light, looking back at them through the rear view. Addison was glad now that Callie and Mark convinced her to get an extra car seat for Sofia, in case of emergencies. They were chatting about something - Addison had tuned them out shortly after she ended their mini dispute whether princesses and fairies were real - but paused to look up at her. Sofia seemed to understand the gravity of a situation she didn’t know about, and nodded quietly while she urged Henry to do the same. They’d be fine, in Henry’s room. Sofia was slightly more responsible than Henry in the aspect of not getting into trouble. Besides, there was still a baby monitor in Henry’s room that was hooked up to the one in the kitchen. “Thank you,” Addison said after her son nodded at her, watching them both return to talking about something. The light turned green and Addison turned onto her street. 

__

When she pulled into her driveway, she took note of the odd quietness she felt. Both Callie and Mark were parked in front of the double garage, and Addison shivered at the thought of something being wrong. Quickly, as though they were in mortal danger, Addison unbuckled both Henry and Sofia, lifting Henry out of his seat and placing him against her hip as she reached back in to grab his dinosaur backpack, slinging it over her other shoulder. By the time she looked up, Sofia was already at the door and pushing it open. 

Addison put Henry down in the foyer, toeing off her heels before helping him with his boots. She noted how neatly Sofia had put her own things away - coat hung in the closet (as best as she could, after all) and her boots neatly tucked on the middle rack of the show holder - and placed Henry’s things next to hers. When she looked up, Henry was running down the hall, screaming something Addison didn’t bother to hear, watching as he launched himself into Mark’s arms when she rounded the corner. “Okay,” she called to the littles, “go upstairs, ‘kay? I’ll come get you when you can come back.”

Addison joined Mark and Callie on her sofa all of ten minutes later, two wine glasses hanging on her right hand, a bottle of red wine and a can of beer in her left. She handed Mark his beer and filled hers and Callie’s glasses, passing one off to her best friend. They sat in comfortable silence until Mark broke it - “so, Cal, what’s this ‘emergency meeting’ for? I assume you haven’t told Red yet?” 

“Nope,” Addison supplied helpfully after a second, “she didn’t. She just looked like she was about to cry so I took Sofia to get Henry. Callie, what’s up?” Addison tipped back her wine. “Don’t make me whine and cry to you about my stupid new neighbors to get you to spill, because I swear to god Callie, if you make me tell you about my stupid neighbors I’m gonna kick you out and Mark and I can chat.”

“I kissed a peds surgeon.” 

Addison had to stop, briefly choking on the sip of wine she had just taken, “you what? ”

“I kissed a peds surgeon. Arizona Robbins, she works in St. Ambrose. She was sad today and I - I fucking kissed her? Jeez, Addie, I kissed a peds surgeon. But, like, she’s so wonderful. She’s perky, optimistic, so not my type, but I kissed her! Stop laughing Mark!” Callie swung her foot, listening to him whine when it made contact with his knee. Addison snorted into her glass, narrowly dodging Callie’s swinging arm aimed for her head as she did so. “Jesus guys, it’s not funny! I don’t know what to do. I kissed her before my shift ended, and then after I kissed her I like, ran away. I don’t know - who does that? That’s not me. I don’t kiss and run - I don’t even kiss and tell! What’s happening to me? Addie, stop laughing! Oh my gosh, stop! I need help! Crisis here!” 

Addison tossed a blanket at Callie, “Callie, honey, you’re gonna be fine. You work in St. Ambrose, and God knows that hospital is small as fuck. You’re gonna see her, no matter how hard you try to avoid her. So rip the bandaid off and ask her if she wants something, because I swear Callie, I don’t wanna see you on my couch tomorrow night crying over a glass of wine because you can’t follow your own advice. Remember what you told me about Jake? ‘ Shoot your shot, Addie, because if you don’t, I will.’ Remember?” 

Mark, at some point in her speech, had moved over to sit on Callie’s other side, wrapping her in his arms in a hopefully comforting embrace. He motioned for Addison to join, but she stood and grabbed their glasses instead - “I don’t like teary hugs, Sloan. Remember last time you tried to bring me into a hug full of tears?” 

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Ever since the day Meredith had found Addison in the on-call room, Meredith somehow kept showing up everywhere Addison was. It started with the intern being on Addison’s rotation for two weeks (why so long, one might ask? Apparently interns got two weeks with an attending instead of a few days) and always seemed to be attached at the hip to her. Although Addison wasn’t a full-time doctor at St. Ambrose, she found herself spending more and more time there as the days ticked by. She still spent a lot of time in the Practice, and at home, but she was happy to be in a hospital again (as a doctor. Addison hates being a patient. It was bad enough when Henry was born prematurely and they both needed to be hospitalized after something went wrong when he was actually born). Then, it started with showing up outside more and more coincidentally when she was outside with Henry, either sitting on the deck while Henry played beside her, or in the ocean teaching him to swim. It was, honestly, beginning to tick Addison off. But it also didn’t help that, although Meredith was… interesting, and almost four years younger than her, Addison was developing… feelings. The same kind of feelings she felt for Jake when they met, and the same mushy and gooey feelings Callie had for Arizona (who were now apparently dating. Sometime in the month since their conversation, Callie and Arizona started dating. Sometimes, Mark called her to tell her all the juicy details because he was asked to keep Sofia longer), the same kind of feelings Addison wanted to run from (“I’m a worrier,” she had once told her overly expensive therapist. “In the hospital, I’m confident. But at home I’m worried. I’m a runner. I run when things become too unbearable, I run when things are too dark. But I can’t run, right? I’ve got Henry.”)

So when Addison and Meredith found themselves sipping wine on Addison’s deck on a Saturday night, she wasn’t sure what had happened, and when it had happened, but Addison wanted the lounge chair to open up and swallow her whole, because fuck, Meredith was looking at her like she was crazy and yeah, Addison might be crazy - but the butterflies doing constant flips in her stomach was new, so she gets to be a little crazy right now. Meredith’s eyes were glassy, and she ran her tongue over her lips again. So, yes, Addison gets the right to be crazy right now because fucking hell, her neighbor was looking at her like that and all Addison wanted to do was succumb; fall to her knees in front of Meredith. 

She jumped when Henry appeared at her side, scowling at Meredith when her friend - neighbor? Crush? - started laughing. “Yes, baby?” Addison asked, voice shaking ever so slightly because dammit, Meredith was still staring at her, and Henry was completely oblivious to Addison’s inner turmoil - and, silently, she thanked the gods her son had interrupted when he had, because Addison was pretty sure she was about to say something fucking stupid. “Are you hungry, Henry?” She added when he didn’t answer, and he just nodded, tugging on Addison’s sleeve. “How does a sandwich sound? As long as you promise not to throw any peanut butter and jelly on my walls.”

“Promise,” Henry said with a toothy grin, his little legs carrying him quickly back into her house and towards the kitchen. Meredith chuckled, and Addison sighed, swinging her legs over the comfortable chair and leaving her comfortable position that she had somehow created. “Come inside?” She asked, turning to glance at her neighbor - friend? Crush? - and waving to the glass door. “I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye yet.” 

Chapter Text

Callie could just tell. Of course she could. Callie was her best friend after all. She had seen Addison’s distressed look when she visited the practice one evening. She had seen her lost in thought when she dumped the takeout bag on her desk. Had watched her jump back into reality, nearly knocking her stone cold coffee off the edge of her desk in the process. Callie had never seen her look so… anti-Addison before. And then she had pulled Addison to the blue couch in the corner of her office where blankets were curled around the cushions and everything looked so prim and proper. Chinese takeout completely forgotten. 

“Okay, what has your head in a barrel?” Callie asked, grabbing one of said blankets to curl it around herself. “And don’t say you’re fine, or something, because you’re not. You have this lost look in your eyes and - although I still think this is fucking weird - you didn’t come find me the second you smelled Chinese food in the building. Seriously, you’re like a bloodhound for takeout, or something. What’s up with that? It’s creepy as hell.”

“My nose just has good taste,” Addison supplied, tucking her legs underneath her as she reached for one of the coffee’s Callie brought with her offering of food. “It likes the sweet smell of kung pao chicken and dumplings. You, however, have terrible taste. I mean, you don’t even like real chinese food, now that is creepy as hell.”

“You’re deflecting.”

Addison huffed, crossing an arm over her chest and shrinking into the armrest. “Okay. Fine. I’m okay - and, no, shut up. I’m not just saying that - but I think… I think I like someone again, and I… I don’t want to. It’s too soon, and Henry, god Callie - Henry. ” Addison took a sip of coffee, wincing at the sugar-filled liquid. “I picked up yours. Here. Give me mine.”

They traded cups, and Callie sighed into the liquid at the same time Addison hummed in content. “Henry will be fine, Addie,” she said, nudging her friend with her foot. Addison squeaked when ice cold skin met her thigh. “Don’t be such a baby. Jake had cold feet, too. You should be used to that. And, for the record! You have cold feet, too. Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah - Henry. He’ll be okay. God Addison, don’t tell me you’re panicking again. I thought you were over it with Jake. Do I have to threaten to steal this person from you, too? If that’ll get you to make a move? I’ll even take Henry!”

Addison sighed, deflating against the couch. “It’s not - ugh, it’s not about him, not… not completely, anyway. Henry’s so young. He barely even remembers Jake and if I’m being honest? I don’t like the idea that Henry will never… he’ll never know Jake.”

“He wasn’t going to know him anyways, Addie. Henry was too young to remember him, and you can’t keep punishing yourself and depriving yourself of love and affection because you don’t want your kid to forget Jake. He’s still around, y’know. You just gotta believe, or something,” Callie got up then, retrieving the bag of takeout and closing the door before returning to the couch. She handed Addison a container of her favorite; kung pao chicken, and a pair of chopsticks. “Come on, Addie. Don’t punish yourself. What happened wasn’t your fault, you know that, right? You gotta throw yourself back out there someday, or you might turn into one of those weird, old, crazy cat ladies who knits pink and blue scarves for her friends.”

Addison kicked Callie then, almost making her drop the container she had in her hands. “Okay. First of all, Calliope, I will never turn into a crazy old lady with fourteen cats who all have their own Christmas stockings that I knit because one) I don’t even know how to knit and two) Henry will save me from myself if that ever happens. And… I do, Callie. I do know. But sometimes I just… sometimes I feel that Jake had a chance, but I pulled the plug too soon. Who knows? Maybe he could’ve survived. Miracles happen, don’t you know. And don’t laugh, or call me insane, or something. I know, I do. But what if?”

Callie stuffed a piece of chicken in her mouth, humming in delight. “Look, Addie, I love you. You know I do. But this whole… mopey thing about Jake? You gotta stop. ‘Kay?” Callie reached beside her to grab her phone, looking at some of the notifications with great interest. “Mm, I’ve gotta run. Some moron decided it would be a grand idea to get in a wreck at… what time is it? Oh, nine. That’s not too bad. Bring this home, or leave it in that weird mini fridge you hide behind your desk. Just save me my chicken.”

“I take great offense to the idea that I would eat fake Chinese food,” Addison bit back, shoving a piece of her own chicken into her mouth. “And hey, that mini fridge stores a lot of alcohol and things that should not be at a working office with patients. Hey - no, get your mind out of the gutter,” Addison scoffed at Callie when her eyebrows shot up and she opened her mouth, “it’s nothing bad like that. Jesus, think so little of me that I would keep a vibrator or something at work? And why the hell would I keep it in a mini fridge? Don’t answer that, it was rhetorical. Can you take Henry for the night? Please? He’s in the daycare at St. Ambrose with Sofia today.”

“Yeah, ‘course I can. Anything for you. Weirdo.”

____

“Hey. Where’s Henry?” 

Addison looked up. It was nearing midnight by now and she had pretty much just gotten home. She wanted to go straight to bed, but decided to watch the ocean over a glass of wine. Meredith was making her way over, a bottle of beer in her hand. “With Callie. I just got home. What about you? Don’t you have to work in the morning? Intern year ‘n all.”

Meredith laughed as she took the lounge chair next to Addison, swinging her legs up and over the edge. “Nope. It’s my day off tomorrow. Surgical rotations are switching. Most interns are off tomorrow - today. I’ve got neuro next week.” Meredith took a sip of her beer. “So. You didn’t immediately go to bed. That’s new.”

“Should I be concerned that you know my schedule?” Addison asked, raising a brow in confusion. “That’s creepy, you know. Stalkerish. Do I need to install cameras? Hire police to camp outside my home because you stalk me? That’s low, Doctor Grey; even for you.” She turned back to the ocean. The butterflies were back, and it was dizzying. She felt as if she kept looking at her neighbor, all cute and hot - hot? - in her lounge chair, she might as well just lean in and kiss her or something. 

“Not at all. Sometimes when I’m just getting home, you’re going to bed. I can see the light turn off, I’m not stalking you. Promise,” Meredith stated, cringing after. “Okay, that sounded creepy. That sounds like something a stalker would say. Stop laughing at me. Don’t make me come over there and tickle you or something. I am not above that. I will do it!”

“Yeah, I’m sure you will,” she snorted, placing the glass beside her because fuck. The thought of - yeah, okay, we’re not going there. “No, wait - stop, don’t move. I’ll stop laughing. Just - don’t tickle me. I don’t wanna be tickled. I will kick you.” Meredith stopped moving, lips drawn in a gasp. She let out a you wouldn’t dare and Addison started laughing again. “ I am not above kicking you if you tickle me. And I’ve been told my feet are, not only cold and icy, but pack a powerful kick. I will kick you in the ribs.”

Meredith smirked over her beer bottle, taking a swing. “Okay, your majesty, ” she mocked, saluting her. “Whatever you say. I don’t know why anyone would call your feet cold in front of your face, but maybe that’s just ‘cause I haven’t been around as long.”

“Did you just call me old ?” Addison gasped, crossing her arms over her chest and fucking pouting at Meredith. “I’ll have you know I’m not even in my thirties yet! You’re just ridiculously immature.” 

The blonde huffed. “I did not call you old, Addie, stop assuming I did. That’s rude, you know. Worse than tickling.” Meredith continued on, rambling about something Alex did the other night - but Addison was stuck. Meredith called her Addie. Since when had Meredith gotten close enough to her to start using her nickname? Addison wasn’t the kind of person to let someone use a nickname for her unless they were close; but for some reason, the way Addie slipped off of Meredith’s tongue like it had always belonged there was comforting, in a way. Addison decided, then and there, that she would always want to hear that name come from Meredith. 

Fucking sue her for loving it, will you?

____________________

It was no secret that Addison loved babies. Addison was a woman who saved countless babies daily - was a woman who saved countless babies daily - so it was no shock that she found herself in the St. Ambrose NICU, a small baby tucked safely in her arms. Addison had taken the baby last night as part of safe surrender, and had since been taking care of it - her - until the social worker was able to pick her up. It was a Saturday, though, so it worked almost perfectly with her schedule. Henry was currently admiring preemies in their incubators, small hands placed delicately on the plastic that separated each infant from the world. Addison was in the corner of the NICU, making sure to watch Henry; of course, but still completely enamored by the infant in her arms. 

“Mama?” Henry called, turning around to look at her from one of the tanks. Inside, a premise was attached with a magnitude of wires. She recognized the baby. His name was William. She had delivered him earlier in the week, and he was currently as stable as a preemie can be considered. Addison hummed, offering her pinkie to the baby in her arms. “Was I in one of these? I remember you said something like… incu- incubat?”

“Incubator, Henry,” Addison supplied, smiling down at the baby when she gripped onto her pinkie with surprising force. “Yeah. You were in one, once. Just for a day or two. You were born a little prematurely. Although it was just a few days too early, you needed some extra time to develop. Like the babies in here. You were just further along than them.” Henry eyed her curiously, flitting his gaze between herself and the infant currently cradled in her arms. Addison smiled up at him, gesturing for him to come closer. “See this baby? She was surrendered to the hospital last night. Her mommy and daddy couldn’t take care of her, so they gave her to the hospital. She doesn’t have a name yet. What’d you wanna call her?”

Henry blinked at her, thinking. “Dunno. Why couldn’t her mommy and daddy take care of her? Was she a bad girl?” Addison snorted, running her thumb under her son's eye. 

“No. She wasn’t. I don’t know for sure why they couldn’t take care of her, but they did the right thing, in the end. They asked for help. Asking for help is big, because people might judge. Never feel afraid to ask for help, okay?” Addison opened her free arm to Henry, kissing his hair when he climbed into her lap, head resting against her chest. His arms reached out to the baby, and Addison shifted her closer. “The social worker is coming to collect her soon. What should we call her?”

Henry thought for a minute, staring down at the infant with a slight frown and a cute crease on his forehead. He hummed - the same way Addison tended to do in lieu of an answer - and huffed. “Jasmine,” he finally said, turning to look up at Addison. “Like the princess.”

“It’s perfect.”

__

“My dads back,” Meredith said in a hurry, opening the door to the NICU. “He has a wife. And two daughters. Susan - his wife - she keeps trying to… I don’t know, be friends? Be my mother? But I-”

“Meredith,” Addison greeted quietly, shushing the woman with a soft hiss. She saw when Meredith realized Henry was asleep on her chest, and a baby was asleep in her other arm, nestled safely in the crook of her elbow. Meredith started to quietly laugh and Addison pouted. “Come here and take the baby, I can’t feel my elbow right now and I’m pretty sure she needs a diaper change. I’m also pretty sure Henry’s drooling on me and I’d like to wipe it off. Please, take the baby, and continue your rant quietly? Sorry, didn’t mean to sound mean - but don’t wake the damn baby.”

Meredith looked at her, blinking dumbly for a few seconds until Addison kicked her shoe at her. Meredith caught it and laughed, returning the stray shoe and taking the baby from her arms. “Anyway - my dad is remarried. Which, normally, probably doesn’t like. Seem like it’s detrimental or like, horrible but he’s remarried? And I mean, her daughters are wonderful. My sisters are amazing. And kind. And remember a father who was always there! They remember someone who took them to ballet, showed up at recitals and came to the principal's office when they needed you. He was the parent to them that he never was to me, and now you probably think I’m crazy because I’m ranting to you about my life and you’re just casually dabbing your son's drool off your shoulder like it’s normal and I have a baby in my arms. I’m crazy. I think I need a psych eval. Probably. Oh god. They’re gonna call me crazy and put me in the looney bin. Addison! I Can’t go to the looney bin!”

“Meredith, breathe,” Addison said, placing Henry in the chair she was just in. Carefully, she moved around the room until she reached the charts on the back wall, picking a file to read through. Addison looked through the file, jotting down the newborn in Meredith’s arms to be named Jasmine. “That is a lot, yes, but you’re not crazy.” She put the file back, moving herself back to Meredith. “The idea that yeah, your dad has another family, though? That’s the crazy part. But the rest? Look, my own parents were never… there. They decided to leave the parenting up to the nannies. Leave the hard part to people who get paid in the end, probably - no, definitely - not enough to be doing the job they did. You said your sisters were amazing? Tell me about them. Tell me about, what’s her name? Susan? What’s she like? Is she kind, is she pushy, overprotective? Is she bitchy, manipulative?” 

“She’s perfect. Susan is… she’s trying. I think she wants to include me in things, you know? Not like a crazy mother include but… she said she wants to try and be… not exactly family, but not friends, either. Thatcher - my dad - told me that ever since Susan learned that I existed, she’s been trying to get him to get ahold of me. He also said that he wasn’t sure he could face me after all these years, especially because of them. But Susan is… she’s anti-Ellis, which I’m sure is exactly what he wanted. She’s sweet and kind and wants me around but I’ve only ever known overbearing and not overprotective and… I’m not sure I want to let her in. Because letting her in means letting her see every bad, shitty, dark and twisty thing about me. That’s terrifying. She’s a good person, she’ll run away as soon as the darkness in me like… escapes or something. I don’t think I can deal with another person running out on me again,” Meredith blurted, looking away from Addison, eyes drawn to the infant when she started babbling. “I wish I was you, kid. So innocent. You won’t even remember this.”

“No, she won’t,” Addison replied, as if speaking for Jasmine. She took a slow step toward the blonde intern. “But. Meredith. If Susan is so good, why are you scared that your darkness will scare her away? It’s clear she’s trying. Bizzy would just talk about flowers with the Captain over wine or something and avoid the topic like it was a zombie apocalypse. If she’s trying, don’t you think you should let her? Not that you have to show her everything, or let her in. But let her try. She might surprise you, you know? Jesus, when did I become so optimistic? She carefully extracted Jasmine from Meredith’s arms per her request, laying the infant back in her bassinet in the center of the room. “I have to go to a medical conference next month. I’m bringing Henry. Callie and Mark are gonna be there too, they have a few panels. Why don’t you join us? Callie and I normally share a two bedroom suite, but she can bunk with me if you wanna come. That way you have some time to decide what you want to do about Susan, and you have an out later if you need it. I know we aren’t super close, but I… kinda want you there. We’ll be in Seattle for five days, and then New York for four. It’ll be your first medical conference.”

Meredith grinned. “Yeah. Okay. Yeah - thank you. You’re good at this whole comforting thing, you know.”

“So I’ve been told. Give Susan a chance, ‘kay? If you ever feel like you need a place to hide, come by my place. I’ll offer you a place to sleep and breakfast in the morning. Anytime, anyday. Okay?”

“Okay.”

____________________

Seattle, unlike LA, was stupidly rainy. Addison knew that, though, but she was still somehow annoyed when they landed and it was piss pouring. They’d decided to take the Forbes Montgomery’s private jet, though, so she supposes it could have been worse. ( “You have a freakin’ plane?” Meredith had gasped when she saw the jet down the runway, the same jet they were being escorted to. It had ‘Forbes Montgomery’ written in bold gray letters across the sides. Addison had shrugged as she followed Mark, Callie and Sofia, already stepping into the jet. “Yeah. I don’t use it often, but it’s part of my trust fund I guess. It’s always been mine, I just have to pay for its use.”) 

“I hate the rain,” Addison groaned, flagging down a taxi. They’d spend the next five days in the Archfield, a five-star hotel that Addison booked anytime she was in Seattle. “More than I hate being in Connecticut. Oh, grand, my brothers are probably gonna be at the New York conference. How dandy. Henry, make sure your mother doesn’t go insane, okay?” He bobbed his head at her, gripping her hand tighter as she lifted herself into the taxi and pulled him in after her. Meredith followed; Callie and Mark would take the next one. “So. Callie and I usually split a two room suite so I can stay with Henry in our own room, but I think she and Mark might be booking a two bedroom for them and Sofia, that way Callie and I don’t have to fight over blankets and pillows - she’ll tell you that I hog the bed, but she does, she just doesn’t want to admit it - and she and Sofia can get an actual good sleep without Henry and I. Which means you only have to deal with my grumpy ass in the morning, and Henry’s stupidly excited bounces in the morning. And not Callie Torres’ inability to be a nice human being.”

Meredith laughed, “I’m sure you’re lovely in the morning.” Addison paused, casting a brief look in Meredith’s direction - but when the - now - tense blonde didn’t make a move to elaborate, Addison stayed quiet. Instead, she made sure Henry was buckled safely (even though they were already almost there) and tried to busy herself. Lovely? 

“We’re here,” the driver said, rattling Addison away from her thoughts. She watched Meredith dig through her purse, but when she went to hand the driver some cash, she swatted her hand away and stuffed cash in the driver's hand from her own pocket, grinning wickedly at Meredith’s feeble glare. Addison unbuckled Henry, lifting him out of the cab’s car seat, and pushed the door open. Meredith followed. “I was gonna pay!” She exclaimed with faux offense, frowning. “I wanted to. You’re so rude.”

“I just saved you some money. Come on, we have to go check in. The rooms are already ready.”

____________________

Three days into their conference, Richard was on her ass about being back in Seattle and not telling him. He offered her a TTTS case in Seattle Grace Hospital, and she accepted. Of course she did; it was Richard. He had walked her down the aisle at her wedding, he had taken her through her internship and residency at Columbia, and he had recommended her to the best neonatologist in America for a fellowship (which she was granted, and had completed it with flying colors) - so of course she said she would help. She offered Meredith a chance to tag along, which she had accepted, and they now found themselves walking through the halls of Seattle Grace. Henry was on her hip, because Richard wanted to meet him. The last time Richard saw her was when she was eight months along in her pregnancy with Henry; just two years after she and Jake had gotten married. 

Meredith stuck beside her as they turned the last corner and began crossing the catwalk. Addison could see Richard in his office (seriously, why did there appear to be no curtains?) typing away over something. He didn’t seem to see them, though, so Addison knocked when they arrived at his office and pushed the door open. Richard looked up, barely giving her a second before he was on his feet, striding towards her and pulling her in for a tight hug - mindful of the toddler babbling away in her arms. “Hi, Richard,” Addison said softly, breaking the hug. “This is Meredith,” she added carefully, pointing to the intern hovering awkwardly behind her. “She works at the hospital in LA. Her friend is my future friend. And this,” Addison began calmly, “is Henry. He’s more Jake than he is me.” Richard reached out to shake his hand (as best as one could shake a toddlers hand, anyway). “Careful, he’s delicate,” she added as an afterthought, looking down at Henry when he tightened his hands in her shirt. “Henry, remember when I told you about Uncle Richard? In Seattle? This is Uncle Richard. He knew you when you were in my belly.” 

With reluctance, Henry reached out to take hold of Richard’s hand with both of his own, cradling it softly. “Hi,” he added, quietly, smiling. 

Richard looked like he wanted to cry, but kept it in (story of her fucking life right now) and greeted Henry back with a smile of his own. “It felt like so long ago since I’ve seen you and Jake,” he finally said after a moment of silence, and Addison realized, then, that she had neglected to tell Richard of her husband's passing just one year ago. She felt the walls around her begin moving, rumbling the floor with each movement; coming in to crush her. She inhaled when she felt a hand on her shoulder, looking up to find Meredith’s eyes in an oncoming storm. 

“Jake… he died,” Addison finally said, her voice was too quiet and she felt the need to run. “Car accident. Last year.” The short sentences gave way to concerned looks from Meredith. Addison realized that in all the time they’d known each other, Meredith had never seen Addison falter. She supposed that was the Forbes Montgomery in her; cry in the comfort of your home - even better, your own bedroom . Be so cold and icy that nobody assumed anything was wrong. Bizzy would be proud of her; and that thought made her sick. Bizzy? Proud ? “I should go, Richard,” she added, a few minutes later. Henry seemed to sense her distress, placing his little and sticky hands on her cheeks. He breathed in her face, letting out a quiet I love you mommy before letting go. 

“Addie,” it was Meredith, following her out of the room. She thought she’d closed the door. Hadn’t she closed the door? Why did Meredith think it was her place to follow her? Fuck. “Addison stop.”

But she didn’t. With Henry tight in her arms, Addison clicked down the hallway faster than any human should be capable of in heels, but she supposes she’s just had a lot of practice ( “A lady wears heels, Addison,” her mother said coolly, not looking up to look at her daughter. Addison was ten, and heels hurt her feet, so she tried leaving the house for school wearing flats instead of the usual, but of course Bizzy just so happened to be near the door. Or maybe Archer had told her about it, because he was fucking Archer. Adddison grabbed her bag, “heels hurt my feet, Bizzy.” ) what, with her family and social status. They were WASPs, which came with a lot of standards - heels being one of them. 

Addison managed to flag a cab down (by sheer luck, one that had a carseat for Henry) and slid inside, buckling him while she told the driver to take her to the Archfield. She’d completely forgotten that Richard didn’t know Jake had died. 

(There was a period in time, for months, where Addison had shut down almost completely. The only reason she hadn’t gone completely dark was because of the toddler she still had. He was the spitting image of Jake, though, and it got hard - she’d never, never, tell anyone that, though - but she’d pushed through. But there were a lot of people she stopped speaking to altogether, two of them being Richard and Adele. She regrets it now, though. Because just when she felt like she was moving on, the past had to come back to bite her in the ass.)

____________________

Meredith didn’t know what happened. Everything was fine - the conference panels were going wonderfully, and Addison looked happy (okay, fine, she always looked at least mostly happy, even back home in LA, but Meredith had just assumed that Addison was an overall happy person), but something in her shifted as soon as Richard asked about Jake. Meredith’s been around long enough to know the basics. Jake is Henry’s dad, and Addison’s husband. He had died, though, but Addison never said when. Meredith never realized it was so fresh. She had assumed (please, tell her to stop assuming) that he died at least two years ago, when Henry was an infant, but the wounds were still fresh. They had barely scabbed over for Addison, and apparently, she wasn’t ready to pick them yet. 

Meredith called Mark. First, she called Mark, because he was Mark and Mark knew Addison - probably better than Callie did. He had answered with a groan and this better be damn important, Grey. I was playing with my daughter. It would have made her laugh, had the situation not been so heavy and dire. So, with a steadying exhale, she spoke, quickly. “Richard - your old mentor? - asked about Jake today when we went to see him about the TTTS case he offered to Addison. She stopped talking… Well, she stopped being Addison, and then she left the hospital faster than I could keep up - how the hell does she move that fast in heels and a toddler on her hip? I need her powers - and by the time I was outside, she was closing the door to a cab and leaving. You know her, right? Where did she go? She has Henry with her. What happened?”

Mark stopped, it seemed, to take in everything he was hearing. Meredith heard him whisper something to Sofia, blocking out the microphone, and then he sighed. “Addison is… Addison. Jesus, you’d never know something was wrong until she hit the edge and had nowhere else to turn. Know what I mean?” Meredith made a noise that somehow seemed to say yes I know what you mean and talk faster. “She’s… Okay, she’s probably at the hotel. Can I check? I’m across the hall from you guys. I’d send Callie, but she’s in a panel right now. She’ll probably be making Henry a snack or something. She does that, sometimes, if she ever needs to stop something from surfacing. It used to be making massive gourmet meals but then she realized that she was wasting more food - oh, rambling. Right. Want me to check and see?”

Meredith couldn’t help herself from snorting into the phone, flagging down her own cab and climbing inside. “No, I’ll be at the Archfield soon. Thank you. Thank you, Mark, really. I know you don’t like me very much but, thank you.”

“Anything for Red. Don’t hurt her, okay?” Mark added, waiting until Meredith said her piece before hanging up. Meredith wondered if it was obvious how much she cared - liked? Loved? - about Addison, or if Mark was just really good at knowing if someone liked Addison, or if Addison liked someone. Maybe it was a superpower, being able to decipher the complex neonatal surgeon. 

Addison Montgomery was a puzzle, and Meredith wanted to solve her. 

____________________

She was in the hotel. Henry was sitting on the couch with a sandwich and a yogurt cup, legs dangling off the edge as he watched cartoons. Addison wasn’t with him, and it was then that she heard the shower stop from the main bathroom. The door was cracked, and Meredith decided to sit with Henry and wait. He was laughing at something around his sandwich, and she looked up at him to see his eyes set on herself. Meredith suddenly felt awkward. “You ‘like my mom’.” It was a statement, not a question, and it caught her off guard. Meredith looked at him, eyes furrowing in utter confusion - panic, too, that she was so fucking obvious that a toddler could tell. Henry swallowed. “You like mama. Uncle Mark said that only people who care, still come to help,” he added, taking another miniature bite of his sandwich. “But she likes to run. That’s what Uncle Mark says.”

Meredith exhaled shakily. “Henry…” she wanted to deny it; say he was wrong and that he didn’t know what he was talking about, but something about his wife, scared eyes told her not to lie. Goddamn Addison for teaching her kid to be a fucking brilliant genius. “I… I do. I like her a lot. In more than a friend's way. You won’t know, because you just have friends but - but yes, I do. And your Uncle Mark is a smart one, you know? You should listen to him. Unless he tries offering you advice about girls, because then he’s not smart. I’m rambling, aren’t I?” Henry nodded, giggling around another mouthful. 

“‘Tis okay, mommy does it sometimes.”

The bathroom door opened, and Addison appeared; dressed in casual clothing (her current choice of wardrobe can probably be described as sad, or depressing, because she was wearing sweatpants and her Yale hoodie. Meredith had never once seen Addison look so comfortable, and she wasn’t sure Addison wanted her to see this side of her, either), with her phone hooked around her pinkie. She cleared her throat rather awkwardly, “uh, hey. Sorry about… leaving like that. That was unprofessional. I already apologized to Richard. Sorry if I ruined your afternoon.”

“You didn’t,” Meredith was quick, jumping in. Henry gave her an oddly encouraging smile. “Not at all. I think Richard was just… surprised, is all. Mark’s worried about you. I called him - I… I didn’t know where you’d go, so I asked him. He offered to come here himself, but he has Sofia. I think he said Callie was in a panel…" When Addison just hummed in reply, Meredith glanced down at Henry again. He seemed blissfully unaware of what was going on, suddenly, and Meredith wanted to squeeze him until he told her more about Addison. “I’m rambling. Anyway, wanna talk about it?” 

“Not really,” Addison replied, much too quickly and Meredith didn’t believe her, but what could she do about it? Addison was Addison, and Meredith knew - now - that if she didn’t want to talk, she wouldn’t. After a couple of minutes, Addison made her way to the couch with two cups of hot cocoa (or juju, as Addison called it) and passed Meredith one, handing Henry a smaller cup with colder juju in it. “He went braindead,” Addison began slowly, and so quietly that Meredith wasn’t actually sure if she heard her until she looked up to see Henry looking at her too. “For months, it was Henry and I going to visit him in the hospital. Listening to the vents breathe for him, listening to the machines keep his heart beating. I knew it was futile to try anything else - I’d already gotten a specialist in for a second opinion… and a third opinion - but I couldn’t let him go. I needed him… Henry needed him. But then Henry told me he would be okay, and I authorized them to pull the plug. I meant to tell Richard and Adele, but I got lost in grief and Henry. I shut down, pretty much, and only started… living again, I guess is the right phrase, when you come around. I didn’t want to feel alive again, but then… I did, I guess. Now we’re here.” Out of anything Meredith expected to hear, that was most certainly not it. Meredith was the reason Addison started living again - truly, living - and she didn’t know how to feel about it. 

“I’m so sorry, Addie,” Meredith began, shifting herself so she could look at Addison. At one point during her vent, Addison had lifted Henry into her lap, and let him curl up with his head in the crook of her neck. He looked peaceful, and she looked calmer. Meredith supposes it helps to have a kid who just… understood, even if he didn’t actually understand. Meredith moved closer until she was sharing Henry’s embrace. Her arms curled around them both, and she rested her head on Addison’s bicep. “He’s still here. He’ll always be here, even if you can’t see him or feel him or hear him. It’ll be okay.”

Meredith felt something in Addison shatter then, and one of her arms unwrapped from Henry to curl around Meredith, too. “It has to be,” she whispered, dropping her head to lay over Meredith’s. “It has to be okay.”

____________________

They didn’t speak of that night again, and for that, Addison was thankful. Truthfully, she had blacked out after a while of endless crying and had somehow ended up in her bed, with Henry curled up in front of her and a body - Meredith - curled around her like a protective blanket. She’d been too shocked to try and move, so she didn’t. Instead, she’d let herself fall asleep and powered through the last of her panels in Seattle, visited Richard and told him the story (Henry stayed with Meredith and Sofia while Mark and Callie were in a panel) and then packed up and went to New York to finish their trip. Addison invited Meredith to speak in a few panels (which she excelled in) before packing up and flying back to LA. Upon her arrival, she was expecting something calm and sated. What she had found was, actually, quite the opposite. 

There was a vehicle in her driveway when the taxi dropped her, Meredith and Henry off. Unfortunately for Addison, she knew the license plate off by heart. She had given Meredith Henry’s duffel bag and told Henry to go stay with Meredith and the interns for the night, because she didn’t want Henry to witness anything that he might never recover from. She’d pushed the door open and moved into her house, straightening her posture as soon as she saw the Captain sitting on the couch, sipping away a vodka tonic (lime, no ice) with the TV playing quietly. 

“Captain. Why are you here?

Chapter Text

He had passed her a drink. Bizzy was on her couch, now, sipping away at a glass of wine when he had joined her on the back deck. Nothing about the ocean was calming now. Every wave cascading over the shore was a reminder of a life she fled. Especially when her parents were in her house right now. While her father was making excuses to protect Bizzy. Everything about it was sickening. Henry had been with Meredith and the interns for five days. Five fucking days because Addison didn’t want Henry tangled up in the drama that came with being a Forbes or a Montgomery. We were trying to protect you and Archer. Addison recoiled at that, briefly, before she regained her footing and snapped back. Archer’s a cheater, she had said, her voice as steady as she could possibly make it. This was her father. And, though not exactly the first time (flashbacks to the last conversation she had with Captain on her back deck - where they were yelling back and forth about him sleeping with Violet ) she’d stood her ground, it was most certainly not the easiest thing in the world to do. He was her father. He was a Montgomery. He had a high social standard and an even higher expectation of everything. 

He’d gone on this long rant about how much he loves Bizzy. How much Bizzy meant to him. She’s my best friend. She’s my everything. And it made Addison want to run. But she had to face him. She had to stand tall and make him understand. She’s practically screwing Susan right under your nose. 

“She sleeps with one woman, I sleep with all the rest. So what?” His voice got louder. It had an edge of cold soberness, an icy chill whispering with his words. He was angry, but that was what made Addison angrier. How dare he assume it was his right to be mad at her? Her entire life was a lie! And that’s good enough for you? She replied, raising her voice as well. He took a sip of his drink.

“My entire life, I thought she was this poor pathetic woman,” she replied, steadying herself. She would not lose her cool (more than she already had, at least) in front of her father, with her mother inside her house. “I thought it was my job to cover for you! And it made me hate you. I mean - don’t you understand? I hated the wrong parent! But now I know, you’re the poor, pathetic one because you love her, and she loves someone else!” She was on a roll, and she didn’t intend to stop. Briefly casting her eyes to Meredith’s, she saw the woman in question standing in her doorway, watching carefully. God, Addison loved that woman. “But you stay!” She continued, hands covering her head now. She turned - whipped - around to the ocean. “This is like some pathetic, sad after-school special, which is just awful because now-” she paused, ever so briefly, and turned back around to stare at him. She wanted the sick satisfaction of watching her words slap him across the face. She wanted to see the hurt flash through his eyes - however brief and quick it passed - and she wanted to know he heard her, and felt something. “Now I hate you both.”

_

Falling into Meredith’s embrace was something Addison hoped would happen lots in her future. Meredith informed her that Henry was getting ready for bed, and that she was just watching to make sure Addison was okay (and, she admitted quietly, to offer comfort if she wanted to come see Henry.) When she asked who was putting him to bed, Meredith simply shrugged and responded Susan, to which Addison pulled away, blinking at her neighbor, who a month ago had been complaining about her new stepmother (new, however, was not the correct term. She wasn't a new stepmother; but she was to Meredith.) She told Addison that she would handle her parents, and sent her inside. She passed Alex and Izzie on her quick-paced walk to the stairs, both telling her where Henry was as she climbed them quicker than she probably should’ve. There was a woman ( Susan ) reading to him when she braced herself against the doorframe, and her presence was noticed by Henry, who practically jumped away from Susan and ran towards Addison, flinging himself at her full-force. She caught him, bracing him against her body, “I love you, so, so much Henry,” she whispered into his hair, moving into the room again. Addison sidestepped Susan, sitting on the guest bed Henry was sleeping in (Addison took note of the long body pillows on either side of the bed, though, which made his spot look more like a nest than anything) and looking up as Susan put the book on the nightstand, whispering I’ll leave you alone. 

But Addison caught her wrist before she could pull away. “You can stay,” she said, in a quiet murmur. “If you’d like to keep reading, Henry. I don’t mind. I don’t think he minds, either,” she added, tightening her grip on Henry when Susan looked like she was intruding and wanted to leave. “You don’t - you don’t have to stay. Jeez, what’s wrong with me? You can go, seriously. You’re not obligated to me. You don’t even know me. I’m Addison, Henry’s mom. I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

Susan smiled and grabbed the book, sitting on the edge of the bed again. She caught Henry’s attention with her finger, and pulled the book open. Before she started, though, she looked at Addison. “I’d love to stay and read. Henry’s a bookworm, I’ve noticed. Meredith tells me you are, too. And, hey, there's nothing wrong with you, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

Susan was nice, Addison decided. If she got to spend her life with Meredith, she wouldn’t mind having Susan as a - okay, yeah, not gonna go there. Stop thinking about it. Fucking hell, Addison.

____________________

Meredith hated Addison’s parents the second they arrived. From her fathers arrival and basically shoving Henry towards her ( “Meredith, you have to take him. Until he leaves. Until they leave. Where he goes, Bizzy usually comes, and if they ever meet Henry, they’ll want to be involved. And if they request to be involved, I can’t say no - Jesus, I still let them summon me for things. If they get involved with Henry, he’ll - he… he’ll never know real love if it slapped him across the face. Please, Meredith. I know we’re nothing more than friends but I need you to take him for now. I’ll pay you, whatever you want.”) and her tense and icy mood in the hospitals’ halls (even Callie and Mark were concerned because she was the same at the Practice. Icy, cold, and chilly all in one big fun family pack). She would enjoy kicking them out of her place. 

And, no surprise, she did. Meredith doesn’t even remember half of what she said to them ( “You people need to leave ”), but she felt damn proud when she watched them retreat up the stairs, returning only a few minutes later with their bags, bidding Meredith farewell. Addison’s Susan (who also happened to have been fucking her mother for twenty years?) offered to tell Addison they were leaving, but Meredith denied almost instantly. She’d tell Addison herself. She deserved that much. Her own Susan had met her at the back door by the time she returned, eyes teary. Meredith was confused. Had something happened?

(Meredith would take Addison’s side, though. She always would. She didn’t say this.)

Susan broke the tense silence, “that woman up there… she… goodness, Meredith. Don’t hurt her, yeah? I read Henry to sleep. She also fell asleep. What happened?”

Meredith wanted to tell Susan that she would never hurt Addison (on purpose, at least) but she couldn’t bring herself to say it. She had half the mind to keep Addison’s life private, but she also knew Susan could help. “Her mother was a cheater,” she finally said, carefully. Tiptoeing around the god awful truth; her mother was fucking the closest woman Addison had to a parent behind her and her fathers backs for twenty goddamn years. “But, her father stayed - he slept around, kept her mothers cheating a secret. Made her lie about her fathers cheating for years because he made her think she had too. It all came to bump heads tonight, I guess. I just sent them home.”

“You love her, don’t you?” Susan asked, staring at her with such love and care in her eyes that Meredith wanted to wither away. “I can see it in your eyes, Meredith. Molly had this same look about her, when she first met Eric. You don’t need to lie to me, Meredith. Please?”

She hesitated. How could she not love Addison? But, saying it out loud made it all seem… so real. Like if she says it, feelings would become reality. But if she doesn’t say it, it may never come true. It was confusing. Meredith huffed. “Of course I do,” she answered after a beat, hands fiddling at her sides. “How could I not? She’s perfect and sweet and she has Henry, who is also amazing and sweet and smart and they’re wonderful. I’d be fucking stupid not to. But she’s… Addison is Addison. She has Henry to think about. And like you’d choose your kids over someone, she’d do the same. Always. I would pick Henry, too.”

“You’re crazy about her.”

“Yeah. I am.”

What Meredith wasn’t expecting in the morning, though, was a little note taped to her fridge, neat cursive with an unmistakable signature in the bottom corner. A.F.M drawn with a little star below it. It was a signature Meredith had seen countless times on patient charts, on files, and even sometimes, signed off with texts when she was feeling fancy or inviting Meredith somewhere. 

The signature normally brought her peace. Today, it brought her agony. 

Dear Meredith,

This must seem really stupid. I mean, I left and all I left behind was a little note taped to the fridge? How silly of me. I’m sorry, truly, I didn’t want to leave but I couldn’t be here - in L.A - where there are memories tainting everything. I have Henry with me. I mean, ‘course I do. He’s safe. Please don’t worry. I’m okay - Henry’s okay. I took him on a trip, I left you some money for the trouble I caused when I asked you to take him for me. My parents don’t know where I went, either. And I don’t plan on answering a call. Until I’m ready to return. Mark and Callie don’t know, either. I heard what you and Susan said - she thought I fell asleep. I mean - I did, but then I had to go to the bathroom. Anyway, I told you that in confidence. My family life is something I don’t tell anyone. You breached my privacy, and I don’t know if I can trust you again. I wrote this after the others left. Susan was still upstairs, you were too. Don’t bother searching airlines. I took my jet. I just figured you should know where I stand and why I left. Charlotte - Dr. King, as you know her - knows I took a leave of absence, so does the practice. Neither knows why. I’ll be back, though.

For the record, I love you too. 

A.F.M

____________________

Addison was a runner. She’d told her therapist that. The man she paid three-hundred dollars an hour to for the better part of three years, twice a week. She was a worrier, and she was a runner. It was no secret that she feared the commitment side of things (she’d almost run after she and Jake first started dating, too, but Callie had caught her on her way out before she could leave. She didn’t have Henry then, hiding would have been easier), growing up with her parents, it wasn’t hard to see why commitment scared her. Would she turn out like her father - no, her mother, wasn’t it, now? - or would she purposely sabotage something in fear of them doing it first, like Archer?

But she had Henry now. And, yeah, she ran. Packed his things in minutes and left. Packed her own things in minutes and rushed him (still half asleep) into the backseat, buckled him in his carseat, and drove faster than the legal limit. She had called her private captain and told him to fuel the jet, that they were leaving California in the morning. He obliged (of course he did. The woman he was scared of (other than Bizzy) was Addison ) and prepared the private flight. Asked no questions. 

Now she was here, rushing through a city she wasn’t sure she would ever return to. Phoenix. Susan used to bring her here with Bizzy when they went on trips (Addison also knew that while they were in Arizona, her father was fucking anything with a boobs and a uterus, despite being married. Now, though, she knew he was grieving the loss of a marriage he never really had in the first place) to entertain and distract Addison from the cold and chilling truth - that she was sleeping with her mother. Now she stood in front of their travel home - estate - with Henry in her arms. He was asleep, and Addison didn’t blame him. She wanted to sleep, too. 

She couldn’t believe that Meredith would betray her trust like that - no matter who it was told to - and she felt angry, hurt, but most of all, she felt played and cheated. It almost felt worse that her parents had been there the day before, too. Like she was in the center of a cosmic game. Like the universe was taking her for a ride. Was Jake’s death not enough?

“Mama?” Henry’s little voice piped up from her chest, turning his head to find her with his sleepy eyes. He yawned, rubbing the corner of them with his fists. “M’ sleepy,” he added, eventually wrapping his arms around her. 

Addison shook her head, forcing all thoughts of Meredith away from the forefront of her mind. Henry was the important one here. He always would be. She’d put him first. Forever. Her phone rang, and she shifted Henry around to hold him with one of her arms, reaching into her pocket to fish out her phone. It was Callie, for the fifth time in ten minutes. “Your auntie is really annoying,” she teased Henry, sliding the screen to silence the device. She’d worry about Callie and Mark and Naomi later. For now, she would worry about herself and Henry in a state that was dry and warm and disgusting. She pushed the door open, and the estate was unsurprisingly clean. 

Lining the front hallway were pictures of herself and Archer. Some of the photos had her horses in them. There was one that she knew was taken by Archer; it was a small black and white photograph of four-year-old Addison with a kitten in her arms. Addison smiled at the memory, finding solace in it. She pushed further into the house, laying Henry down on one of the sofas in the family room. “Wait here, I’m gonna set up your bed, okay?” She was quiet, like if she was too loud, the ghosts of her past would rise. “I won’t be too long.”

Addison grabbed the bag with the setup cot and made to move up the stairs. She could hear the second Henry nodded off, ever grateful that he was as good of a kid as he was. Normal parents would worry about leaving their kid to sleep on the couch while they went to do something in another room, but Addison knew Henry was too sweet to do something without talking to her first (coloring on her walls era exempted because he was two and didn’t know any better. He learned to stop after the fifth time and she decided to make him clean most of it and refused to let him leave until it was clean (with her help, of course, she was not a monster)). She had the cot set up pretty quickly, tying down the clean mattress and slipping one of his oversized dinosaur sheets over it. She made sure to put the rails up before she went downstairs, picking him back up to carry him back up the stairs. 

Addison made sure to put a baby monitor beside him, taking its companion when she left the room and headed toward the kitchen to find something easy to make for lunch. It was nearing one, which meant Meredith had woken up by now and had seen her note. Although Addison wasn’t normally one to run off without a trace (the note being the only tell that she left ) she felt suffocated with the truth out in the open. Who knows who was listening in when Meredith was telling Susan. 

Stirring the soup and turning the stove off, Addison poured half of it into a sealed container left in the cupboards and put the other half in a bowl. She felt her phone buzz against her thigh, and she didn’t have to look to know it was either Meredith or Callie or Mark again. They’d been calling her nonstop for, now, about three hours. Damn them and their persistence. When the buzzing stopped and a lone vibration accompanied it, Addison pulled out her phone and clicked her voicemail, inputting the password and bringing the device to her ear. 

One new voice message from; Mark Sloan

“Red, where the hell are you? Nai said you took a leave of absence and your house is empty. Jesus, Addie, even Henry’s shit is gone. Nobody saw you leave. When did you go? And why did you go?” A new voice - Callie - piped up. “Addison Montgomery, where the fuck did you go? Why is Meredith - oh. Addison. Where are you, Addie?”

Addison pulled it away from her ear and deleted the message when it was finished. So, now everyone knew something was up. It wouldn’t take long until her phone was ringing from Naomi, or Violet, or even Charlotte. That would be a funny thing to see. Charlotte King, the hospital's known ice queen, worried about Addison. Maybe she’d answer Charlotte’s call, merely to tease her. Her phone rang again, and Addison declined the call, sliding it back into her pocket and picking up the baby monitor, hooking it around her pinkie and moving towards the family room again. 

She would be okay. She had to be. She had Henry, and she didn’t get to break apart at the seams or fall and crumble. Addison would stand tall, and keep moving. For Henry. She’d keep going, even when she wanted to stop. Her phone rang again.

____________________

Meredith was pacing the living room of Addison’s house, the written note crumpled in her hands. Callie and Mark were there, on their friends' couch. Callie handed Mark a plate of crackers, and gave Meredith a mug of coffee. Mark wouldn’t stop calling, the ever-familiar you’ve reached Addison Montgomery. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and I’ll return your call as soon as possible. Thank you played through the living room countless times, over and over and over again. Meredith was growing tired of it. 

“Okay. She wouldn’t go to New York because it’s too close to Connecticut,” Callie began, returning with another mug of coffee for herself, “and she’s trying to avoid her family. She hates Seattle because it’s so rainy and stormy. But that leaves five summer houses scattered through America, a cottage in the UK and the chateau in France. Give me that again, I need to reread it and think.” Meredith obliged, quickly, practically throwing the crumpled page at Callie. It was aimed for her forehead, but she caught it before it could reach her and she threw a glare at Meredith's direction but Meredith wasn’t looking anymore, wringing her hands through her hair and stopping at the back door. 

Meredith didn’t like this feeling. Feeling helpless over what happened. She knew it was a mistake to tell Susan but she just… couldn’t lie to Susan. Was it her smile? Her willingness to stop and listen where Ellis would’ve taken one look and turned the other way? Meredith scoffed, “where would she have gone, Mark?” She asked, twisting sharply to Addison’s best friend. “You know her! Why did she run?”

Mark looked up at her, anger radiating his ever fiber. “I don’t know, Meredith, why did she run? Did it have something to do with you, the woman she loves, telling her stepmother about her familial problems? Maybe it’s because you took her trust and hung yourself with it, running a mile. Maybe it happened because she trusted you, and you broke her trust. Maybe it -”

“ Mark. Shut up. You’re not helping,” Callie snapped from the sofa, kicking him in the shin. “You know what our darling Addison is like. She runs, when she thinks shit is going haywire. She almost left when she and Jake started dating, you know. So shut up, Sloan. I think she skipped on the UK and the France Chateau because of Henry. She wouldn’t throw Henry on a plane across the ocean. Besides, she’s clearly getting the calls - how many has she declined? She’s not in the air. If she’d gone to France or the UK they’d still be in the air. That leaves the estate in Kansas, Arizona, Nevada, Texas, and Florida. My votes in Florida, or Arizona. She prefers heat when she’s upset. But like, superheat kind of thing.”

Mark looked over at Callie, and Meredith saw something snap in him. Mark Sloan, a man who didn’t show very many emotions, was crumbling before her eyes. It was unimaginable. And yet, here he was - about to collapse in a mess of tears and sadness. She supposes it was fair. Meredith had scared away his best friend. He had a right to be pissed. “Callie, what do we do?” Meredith asked, watching Mark repeat her words in a whisper. Callie looked at Meredith with a faded smile. 

“We keep calling. Leaving voicemails. If she doesn’t answer within a week, we go find her. It’ll be hard to find her - believe me, if she doesn’t want to be found, Addison will make sure she isn’t. Jesus, that sounds traumatic, but it’s who she is. Okay? She’ll come home. Henry’s with her, and that’s enough to know that she’s safe.”

Meredith nodded, sitting down in Addison’s armchair. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, looking up to Mark and Callie. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. At all. Truthfully I’m not sure why I told Susan but… I didn’t expect this. ” Meredith sighed, looking around at the pictures in the living room. On the mantle, there was a golden framed photo, dating April Seventeenth. It had the familiar face of Addison, smiling up at the camera with her arms wrapped around an incubator, an infant inside. Meredith couldn’t look away. Addison had an IV in her arm, in a hospital gown (which was comical and almost made Meredith snort at the idea of Addison in a hospital gown), with a wide smile. Meredith took note of the bronze nametag on the side of the incubator, labeled baby Montgomery-Reilly, boy and she grinned at it. 

“Oh, the day Henry was born,” Callie said, sliding up beside Meredith and following her line of sight. ”She had him naturally, a few weeks too early, but other than that, he was okay. Addison down right refused to have a C-section. Labour lasted almost sixty-four hours. Oh my god she was so cranky and hungry during that time. Didn’t she hit you, Mark?” Callie turned her attention to Mark, who got up to join Callie. He nodded. “I remember that. At one point she tried to launch herself at Mark because he made some stupid remark. Jake had to like, hold her down. But then he was here and everything was okay again. She ate three burgers, and two boxes of fries.” Meredith snorted, tilting her head back to look at Callie. The woman in question just sighed and smiled sadly, turning down to look at Meredith, too. “She’s a tough cookie to crack, Meredith. She wasn’t ready to be super vulnerable to anyone, and she trusted you with the knowledge of what her childhood was like. She heard you break that, and she got scared because she loves you. And, Meredith, I swear to god, if she comes back, and you two get together, and you ever betray her trust again, I will break every single goddamn bone in your body.”

“And she’s like, an ortho goddess, so she knows how to break bones you didn’t even know you had, ” Mark piped up, resting a hand on Meredith’s shoulder. “Sorry for snapping at you earlier, by the way. She’s just… Addison means everything to me. She’s like my sister.”

“Yeah,” Meredith responded, moving her attention back to the mantle to skim through the pictures. There were some of her and Henry, some of Henry and Jake, a wedding photo from her and Jake’s wedding, and a few pictures of little Addison and little Jake, “I’m sorry too, for the part I played in this. Susan won’t tell anyone, though I made her promise. I know that doesn't make up for telling her and all, but I just figured you should know that Susan won’t tell.”

“Good,” Callie added, “because if Addison’s childhood goes out to one more person, I’ll kill everyone. Mark and Arizona will help me hide the bodies.”

Meredith smirked, turning to grin at Callie, “you and Arizona, huh?” At Callie’s unamused glare, Meredith laughed, “come on. The woman I love just vanished and she’s ignoring everyone. Give me some good news, Callie. I know we’re not like… friends friends, but you know. Are you and Arizona getting serious ? Has she met Sofia? Mark? Has Addison met her and given her the shovel talk yet? Tell me everything while Sloan over there keeps spamming said vanished best friend's phone in hopes she’ll answer.”

“Fine.”

____________________

It was day six, and Addison was falling into a bit of a routine. Wake up, make some breakfast (which usually consists of French toast and eggs, or waffles and bacon) and get Henry up. Then, they’d watch Henry’s boring cartoons for about four hours, or until Addison physically couldn’t stand to hear the voices and the songs, and then they’d go for a mini walk to clear their ( Addison’s ) heads. By the time they came back it was lunch, so Addison would make sandwiches or cheese and crackers or reheat leftovers from dinner the previous night or breakfast from that morning. Honestly, Addison wasn’t expecting to avoid her life in LA for this long. The original plan, however far away that seemed now, was to spend four days in Phoenix, and then return to LA and try to avoid Meredith (or, talk to Meredith, avoid her feelings, and never tell her anything again) and return to her life like she wasn’t a crazy person. But now it was day six, two days past her original plan and Addison was starting to enjoy not having the crazy of the practice or the hospital constantly crying wolf. She’s spent every waking moment with her son, enjoying the time she had with him. She wasn’t quite ready to return to LA yet. 

But her phone kept ringing. By day two, Addison had purposely let it die, and refused to charge it for three days. But yesterday, she realized they were running out of food and she didn’t want to go out shopping, so she reluctantly recharged her phone to order groceries online. She had four-hundred thirty-eight missed calls and eighteen new voicemails. She listened to them all - which mostly just consisted of Mark telling her to come home, or Callie yelling in her ear for her to stop being such a selfish bitch and come home, only for her to apologize seconds later because look, Addie, I’m not myself. You gotta come home before Mark sends me off for a grippy sock holiday - and proceeds to delete them all. But today, she was tired of it. 

As expected, it rang a mere fifteen minutes after the last time they had called, and Addison didn’t bother to read which one it was from when she slid the answer button and brought it to her ear. Henry was napping now, so she knew he wouldn’t hear anything. “Look, please stop calling.”

“Red!” It was Mark. “Jesus, where the fuck are you?”

“I’m somewhere safe, okay? Henry’s safe. I would never, ever, willingly put him in danger. You know that, right? I just need a few days to think through some shit. I’ll be back next week. Please stop calling, you’re annoying.” She hung up, listening to the start of a yeah, well retort. Typical Mark. 

Addison forced her attention back on the baby monitor, willing it to crackle to life when Henry woke up. It didn’t, and Addison went back to pacing the length of the living room. Next week. She could do that, right?

____________________

Next week turned into two months. Addison was settling into a new life in Phoenix, but she knew she couldn’t stay forever. Three of her security systems for her homes scattered through the states already showed her friends walking up and knocking, only to leave when there was no answer. She knew it was the Phoenix home next, and she wasn’t sure she was prepared to see them. But Callie and Arizona didn’t have the address (certainly not Meredith), and the only people who knew where the house was were Mark and Richard (Mark because she’d brought him here one time for a week during med school, and Richard because her parents once threw a ball here and Richard came), so it wasn’t like she’d be tackled by Callie when (if) she answered the door when the time came.

Turns out, it was a week into the second month when there was a knock at the door. She quickly opened the security cameras connected to her phone to see Miranda Bailey and Richard on the other side. Curiously, she made sure Henry was actually asleep and not just faking it (he was starting to fake sleeping so he could sneak out of his room and sneak some extra cookies) before descending the stairs and whipping the door open. She knew she wasn’t as dressed as she normally would be for her, but she was comfortable in her oversized Yale hoodie and sweats when they came, who were they to judge? It’s not like she had anywhere to be right now. 

Miranda was the first to speak, pushing her way past Addison before she opened her mouth. Addison made a mocked come on in as she did so, and pulled the door open more so Richard could enter. She closed the door quickly, sliding the lock because she did not trust Richard and Miranda to have come without Mark or Callie or Meredith. “What the hell, Montgomery?” Miranda began, tone scolding and accusatory. “Your friends are worried sick, but they weren’t sure if you’d even answer the door for them so they sent us. I had a massive surgery scheduled today.”

“I’ll find you another one?” Addison answered, trailing off when Miranda whipped around, finger wagging in front of her to point at Addison. The latter shrunk ever so slightly, glancing at Richard for help. He raised his hands innocently. “Okay, jeez. Sorry I pulled you away from a surgery,” she began more clearly, side-stepping her longtime friend to lead them into the kitchen, “but I didn’t call you. I told them Henry and I were fine, why can’t we just be fine elsewhere?” 

“Because you left without a trace, and last time I heard,” Miranda replied, grabbing Addison’s wrists to stop her from walking away, “ your leave of absence is long over. Your friends have called the cops, too, do you get that? Mark’s this close to calling your parents, and he knows how much you hate them.”

“Why does everyone always mention them?” Addison’s voice was cold, icy, when she spoke again, “they weren’t parents, Miranda. They’re just Bizzy and the Captain, okay? And I left because I told someone something in confidence and I heard them tell someone else while I was upstairs with my child. Do you know what that feels like? My life was put on display to a woman I just met that night by someone I thought I could trust, someone that I love - loved. That stings, I had to get out of there.”

“What about Mark, or Callie?” It was Richard this time, stepping around Miranda to look at her, “they’ve been worried, too. You couldnt’ve called them? Addie, they’ve been calling once every week now to see if you went back to Seattle. Nope, you’re just hiding in Phoenix. A state away from your life. We flew in from Seattle because they were worried about you, Addie.”

Addison scoffed, trying to break out of Miranda’s grasp - her attempts were futile, though, as Miranda just tightened her grip around her wrists. “I don’t need a babysitter. I was always going to go back to LA, just… I needed time.”

“Needed, past tense,” Bailey so kindly pointed out, raising her brows to prove her point. “You got your time. Now it’s time to go home. I don’t really care what you want right now, because if Sloan or Torres call my phone one more time, I will throw one of them into the ocean. Or Elliot Bay, depending on where we are, but my point stands. We’re not leaving until you go pack, because we’re taking you and your kid with us.”

Addison sighed, twisting her wrists until Miranda finally let go. Richard followed her up the stairs and into the room she’d claimed as her own, pulling open one of her shirt drawers to help. He passed clothes to her in neat piles, while she placed them delicately in her bag. “Richard?” Addison called out after a while, and she almost laughed when he jumped at the sudden sound of her voice. He paused to look at her, a yeah? falling from his mouth. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Richard turned back to the drawers, pulling out more of her clothes to place on the edge of the bed, and she put them in her bag to stall. Finally, though - after she zipped the full bag up and pulled another one out from under the king-sized bed - she answered, “for coming to get me. I don’t think I ever would’ve gone back.”

“I know,” he answered honestly, closing the final drawer. All that now remained were her bras and Henry’s clothes, and he wouldn’t dare touch one of her bras (which was almost comical, honestly, because he was so much like her father now that she wouldn’t care ).

Grinning at him, Addison sidestepped him to pull open her end table drawer, stuffing what was inside of it in the small pocket of her bag. “I guess it’s just… Henry’s stuff, then.”

____________________

Meredith wanted to cry. It was two months. Two months. In that time, she’d had her intern exams (she didn’t write anything, though, but Charlotte was giving her another chance to write them in a few weeks), Cristina moved out of the frat house and into an apartment with Preston, her boyfriend and, coincidentally, one of Addison’s closer friends, Alex and Izzie became a couple, and Mark started dating her little sister. Meredith knew Callie, Arizona, Sofia and Mark were currently camping out in Addison’s house, though, and she couldn’t blame them. She’d wanted to join them, but Mark insisted she stay at her own house in case Addison came back (another harsh reminder that she was the reason her neighbor - crush, possible girlfriend? - had left the state. That was a month and a half ago, after Mark had gotten a hold of Addison for the last time. She remembered that night. 

The phone would ring, and ring, and ring - like it always did. Meredith was beginning to wonder if Addison’s voicemails were full, but each time they called, they could leave a new one, so it was obvious she was either listening to them or deleting them before she heard them. Meredith hoped that Addison listened to them, though. On the final ring, Meredith was expecting the all too familiar voicemail recording to play, but instead, they were met with a brief silence before they registered Addison’s voice through the device. Mark made a motion that said to keep quiet and had a short but snappy conversation with his best friend. Next week, she had said. Next week and Meredith could stop being miserable or hoping Addison was still alive.

Now, Meredith sat in her backyard, resting on the lounges like she and Addison had done countless times. Susan was inside with Lexie, and her roommates were working. Meredith assumed Callie and Mark were working, too, but was surprised when she heard Addison’s back door whip open and Mark ran out, calling for her and waving his phone around in the air like a madman. “She’s coming!” He was yelling, nearly tripping over himself and landing face-first in the sand (caught only by Callie, who Meredith hadn’t realized had come out with him). “She’s coming back! Bailey and Richard convinced her-”

“They forced her,” Callie interjected as they came to a stop "Addison didn't want to come back, from my understanding," she added, rolling her eyes at Mark, gesturing for him to continue. But Meredith stopped listening. Addison was coming back. 

Finally.

Chapter Text

Addison was ignoring her. She couldn’t hold herself together the second night she was home after Mark and Callie left, because she saw Meredith outside in her own yard. She’d gone to bed after that, curling helplessly into her blankets, a pillow wedged against her to act as another body (but pillows don’t produce body heat. Sure, they produce heat, but Addison wanted another person's heat, not an inanimate object). Henry was already asleep, and she wouldn’t go wake him up because Addison was incapable of falling asleep without another body. The last time she felt this lonely was when she was a teenager and Archer went off to University. After he left, Addison had become the center of attention at balls and gala’s (usually she craved attention. She was always starved for it, but not the kind of attention that’s offered by old, rich, white men who’ve had multiple wives in one lifetime), but she’d never felt more lonely in her life, not even when all her ‘friends’ pretty much abandoned her when she joined the band (she could play a mean tune on the piano, though).

Meredith kept looking towards her door. She knew it, because when she was downstairs, sometimes she’d catch Meredith’s careful eye, watching the lights in her home, watching the shadows of herself and Henry (which was creepy, but for some reason, Addison didn’t have it in her to care about that), sometimes she’d be outside on the beach with her son and Meredith would coincidentally join her outside (staying on her own property), and pretend not to notice Addison was out there.

She wanted to go see Meredith - apologize for running when in reality, she wasn’t really sorry for running. She’d seen Susan outside, too, and Addison kept going about her day like her neighbors stepmother didn’t know about her familial struggles. So, she was ignoring Meredith to the best of her abilities - which worked wonders, until Susan basically cornered her in the small alley between her house and Meredith’s. Henry was spending the day with Callie, Sofia and Arizona (Sofia had practically fallen to her knees and begged to have a sleepover with Henry tonight, and Addison didn’t have it in her to refuse), so she supposed now was the perfect time.

“You left,” Susan accused, pointing at Addison with a red and purple acrylic. There was no bite to her voice, but Addison could tell she was holding something back. “I may not be that girls mother,” she continued, “but I will be her mother if she needs me to. Thus it is my job to tell you that you hurt her beyond what words can say-”

“And she didn’t do the same to me?” Addison interjected, rising to the challenge, putting the bait out in the open for Susan to take. Or not to take. Either way, Addison felt satisfaction as she watched Susan’s face twist from unbridled fury to a softer undertone. “I heard her that night,” Addison procceeded, ignoring the way Susan opened her mouth to interrupt, “I heard her, tell you about my family. About my parents. She may have had the same relationship with her mother, but that does not give her a right to talk about my upbringing, especially when I told her all of that in confidence. ”

Susan paused, briefly. “She spent weeks crying in my arms,” she responded, all fury ebbing away from her tone, “after you left. She didn’t have a right, no, but I would also never tell anyone else-”

“Is that supposed to make me feel any better?”

“Meredith feels sorry enough as it is. Stop ignoring her!” The sudden rise in her tone surprised Addison, and she took a step back - it was more of a half step, because Susan had already pretty much pinned her to the siding, but now her back was against the brick and Addison felt even more trapped. “She loves you, dammit!”

“And I don’t?”

“You’re ignoring her!”

“Because I can’t trust her!”

She wasn’t sure what surprised her more at this point; the anger returning to Susan’s eyes, the challenge rising between the two of them, or Addison’s honesty in that moment. She loves Meredith. She does. But she also can’t trust Meredith. If there is no trust, Addison would ignore her feelings until she could trust her again. “She made a mistake. I get that. But so did you.”

“What, in trusting her enough to tell her the truth?” Addison bit her lip, setting the trap again. She could go on, and on, and on. The challenge hung in the air between them, thickening with each passing second. Addison suddenly felt small under the withering gaze of her - what was Meredith to her? -’s gaze, and she suddenly willed the wall and ground to open. But she was Addison, and Addison would always keep a challenge going if she had to protect herself. “I don’t - I won’t - allow myself to love someone I can’t trust. Especially not when I have a son. He will always come first, Susan. My loyalties lie with my son, not your d- Meredith. If I can’t trust Meredith, I won’t love her like I want to. So, yes, I’m ignoring her, because by ignoring her, I’ll get over her, and then Henry and I can move on with our lives.”

“You love her?” Was Susan’s response, and Addison chuckled dryly.

“Of course I do. Now, will you move? I need to get to my practice to see my friend and catch up on my patients. If there’s nothing more you’d like to interrogate me with, get away from me. And, Susan - if you repeat this conversation to anyone, especially Meredith, I’ll leave again. Because that is another breach of privacy that I will not allow to happen.”

____________________

Addison was ignoring her - it was clear. She knew why, though, so Meredith just left her and Henry alone. She’d go outside when she saw Addison with the plan to apologize, make ammends for what she did, but she’d bail each time she paused at the egde of her deck. She’d stop, Meredith would watch Addison for a second, before thinking better of it. If Addison wanted to apologize, Meredith would let her do it on her own terms. That was what she’d told Addison’s parents the night she left, anyway. 

“So I’m not asking, I’m telling you, you need to leave,” Meredith snapped, disregarding what Susan had just told her. Addison was not their family. Biologically related or not, these people were most certainly not Addison’s parents. “Now, if Addison wants to make things right, then that’s up to her. But you are not going to push her,” she was on a roll, and she didn’t stop. She couldn’t. Addison needed her to continue.

Much like the advice she dished that night, Meredith would follow it. If it meant Addison ignoring her forever, she’d let her. Meredith had done something that she wasn’t sure she would forgive if it had happened to herself, so she couldn’t blame Addison.

But it was starting to show in her job. She grew sloppier, and Charlotte was growing angry. She just rewrote her intern exams, though, so she assumed it could be worse. This time, though, she actually wrote something down, instead of spending her time worrying about a future she would probably never get. Thus began the one-night stands with random people from the bar downtown. She needed to forget. She needed to keep Addison out of her mind, and if the only way to do that was to get her brains fucked out every other night by someone random, then so be it. Addison would come back when she was ready. 

Her most recent love adventure was with a man named Will Thorpe, but she wasn’t ready, like he wanted. She wasn’t ready to engage in a relationship because if that relationship wasn’t with Addison, Meredith didn’t fucking want it. So she panicked and kicked him out because how do you tell your two-time hookup (who wants a relationship) that you’re in love with the neighbor who doesn’t trust you anymore?) and started cleaning like a madman. Susan panicked and left at some point, and everyone else was at work (unfortunately, Charlotte gave her the day off after she accumulated too many hours), so she was alone. 

Well, alone until she came in. Meredith wasn’t sure why Addison was there, but she did know that one second, Meredith was scrubbing and scraping down the stovetop, and the next Addison had the scrub brush in her hands and had somehow positioned herself to wedge between Meredith and her already sparkly stove. “Meredith,” Addison was calm, but her voice carried a warm tinge to it and Meredith wanted nothing more than to collapse into the arms of her lovely (and cute. And adorable. And hot ) neighbor. “Stop cleaning. What happened?”

Then Meredith found herself on the sofa (how did Addison do that? When did Addison do that?) and she stared at Addison and couldn’t hide the truth. “I wanted to forget you,” she started quietly, turning her head down to avoid eye contact, “because you don’t want me.”

“Of course I want you,” Addison interrupted quickly, and Meredith found herself tilting her head up to look at her again. “God, I’m so sorry I left like that, Mer, I just panicked, I guess. But I… of course I want you. I’ve been trying to forget about you since I left for Phoenix because it hurt too much to think about you. You broke my trust, and I couldn’t let you hurt Henry, but then Susan expl-”

“Susan?”

“-explained to me that you didn’t mean to tell her, and I felt myself begin to trust you again… for some, unexplainable reason. I do want you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes.”

“You love me?”

“You thought I didn’t?” Addison questioned, and Meredith didn’t have a response at the tip of her tongue. Of course, she didn’t think Addison loved her. Who could love her ? She was Meredith. Ordinary, dark, twisty, betraying Meredith. 

“But I’m… me, ” Meredith began, meeting Addison’s emerald green eyes, “I’m me, dark and twisty. One half of the twisted sisters. I betrayed you by telling Susan. I’m ordinary. Why would you love me? You could do so much better .”

Addison seemed to hesitate, before muttering a quiet may I to Meredith, to which she only nodded, and then suddenly Addison’s lips were covering hers and Meredith fucking melted. Addison was the first to pull away, though, one hand still resting on Meredith’s cheek. “Of course I love you, you idiot. How could I not? Henry already loves you. When we were in Phoenix, all he kept asking for was his mommy, and it took me all of an hour to know he wanted you. Henry loves you, I love you. Maybe you’re all dark and twisty, but so am I. And you’re anything but ordinary. If that’s what your mother told you, then she and I will be having a little talk. You’re the kindest, most extraordinary human being - not counting Henry - to ever exist. Sorry, Mer, but Henry will always come first in my eyes. You’re like, a close second, though.”

“Wow,” Meredith muttered in faux offense, “that is so mean. ”

“I just told you I loved you and told you what an amazing human being you are, and you’re hung up on the fact that I love my son more than you?”

“Yes.” 

“Wow.”

“I know. For the record, though… I am sorry about what I said to Susan. I know that was… it was wrong. So wrong of me, to tell her. I just… I thought you were asleep.”

“In the future, Meredith,” Addison began, running the back of her hand across Meredith’s jaw, “never tell someone something I told you in confidence. Unless it endangers me, Henry, or anyone around me. Even if you think I may or may not be asleep. Promise?”

Meredith grinned, “promise.”

"Good, because I don't think Henry would enjoy being in France."