Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

She honestly should have expected what happens.

In Jennifer Jareau's defense, she's absolutely swamped and constantly on edge, poised and ready to swoop into action at a moment's notice.

After all, when it comes to missing children, the media is the absolute worst. They hear one theory (no matter how ludicrous it sounds when any rational person says it out loud), and run buck wild with it, scrambling like a pack of frenzied rats to be the first to tell the world all about it.

On top of controlling what's being spewed to the numerous news stations and camera men scattered around the mall, she feels as if she's personally responsible for what information makes it across to Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs when it involves their missing daughter. She needs to keep the parents as level headed as she possibly can, less they fear the worst and slip further and further into despair.

JJ's currently back in the room filled with huge computers and monitors that shows nearly every square inch of the mall. She holds a small styrofoam cup full of coffee in one hand, the other wound tightly around her chest. Her eyes flicker across the monitors with a small grimace, heart racing as if she just completed a triathlon. She can't help it; cases with children are extremely stressful and time sensitive. Katie Jacobs had already been missing five out of the critical forty-eight hours, each passing of the hour spelling out less hope for the girl's safe recovery.

The only other person in the room with her at the moment is technical analyst Penelope Garcia. Hotch had made the last minute decision to bring her along for the case, hoping that her technological expertise could give the team a better chance of finding Katie quickly. The younger woman's fingers are flying like mad across the keyboards and camera controls as she desperately attempts to find the last whereabouts of the six year old girl.

The door to the room opens, startling both blondes slightly as they turn to see who it is. Despite the frustrated look on Emily Prentiss' face, both women relax slightly at the sight of her. JJ looks at Emily with a hopeful tug of her eyebrows, shoulders slumping when the older woman just shakes her head.

"Nothing?" Penelope asks, her tone expressing just how upset she is about the update (or rather, the lack there of).

Emily sighs so hard, JJ can practically feel the disappointment in her bones. Obviously, the interview with Katie's aunt hadn't produced any new information that would lead them closer to finding the girl. The raven haired agent plops down carelessly in a spare swivel chair, rubbing at her temples roughly.

"Nothing," she confirms morosely. She pushes the chair away from the control panel, looking up at the ceiling with a clenched jaw. "I don't know what it is, but I don't trust her. It's like she's hiding something from us, but I have no idea what it is."

JJ's arm tightens around her chest, pressing her lips firmly together. She had gotten off vibes about Susan Jacobs ever since the BAU arrived on the scene. It was like the woman was way too calm and way too composed, a far cry from the way she sounded on the 911 recording.

"She's the one that made the 911 call. What would she be hiding?" Penelope asks.

Emily blinks up at the ceiling, eyebrows dipped with worry. "I don't know. I just don't trust her."

A static sound crackles from both Emily and JJ's radios and echoes throughout the room. "All units, please be advised, dispatch is sending in the dogs. I repeat, dispatch is sending in the dogs."

JJ immediately tenses up at the message, pupils dilated and immediately on edge. Everything around her sounds muffled like she's gone underwater, the message repeating over and over again in her head like some twisted merry-go-round. Her nails dig into her shirt just below her ribcage, her other hand effortlessly crushing the styrofoam cup in her hands. Scalding hot coffee spews out, coating her shirt, her hand, and just barely missing Penelope.

The technical analyst yelps softly in surprise, glancing up at her friend in shock. Upon seeing her glazed over expression, her trembling hand, and tensed expression does she become extremely cautious. "Jayje?"

"The dogs... they're... the dogs," the media liaison murmurs, eyes flicking uneasily around the room. Her breath quickens, and she's finding it extremely hard to swallow. Her eyes shine bright with tears, a choked, "The dogs," tumbling unsteadily from her lips.

Emily's out of her chair and in front of the blonde quicker than Penelope processes. The technical analyst is frozen in her seat, heart breaking more and more at every panicked, hiccuped breath that escapes JJ's mouth. Eyes pricking with tears, the youngest woman turns towards Emily for answers. "What's... what do I... Emily?"

Emily's arm wraps softly around JJ's trembling frame, her focus completely on the terrified blonde as she responds to Penelope. "She's having a panic attack," she explains, doing her best to remain calm as to not spook JJ any more than she already is. She carefully grabs at the blonde's wrists as they reach up to grasp at her hair, but staying far enough away to give her space.

"What do I... How do I..." Penelope gasps, blinking rapidly and looking extremely distressed for her friend.

"Penelope, I need you to listen to me okay?" Emily starts, turning her head to the side to catch the technical analyst's eyes. "I need you to go and grab her a cold water from the vending machine down the hall, okay?"

"I—"

"The dogs," JJ gasps, flinching at the bark that echoes from the sound system. Penelope unsteadily fumbles with the switches, pushing her glasses up her nose after slamming down on the button to mute the camera's audio.

The technical analyst turns pale, face a mask of horror when it dawns on her just why JJ is so freaked out. "It's..."

Emily presses her lips together tightly with a stiff nod. "Yeah," she confirms sadly.

"Oh..."

"Penelope, please?" Emily stresses slightly, turning back towards JJ, gently pursing her lips in a silent, soothing shush motion.

"Right!" Penelope agrees quickly, fumbling around in her purse for her change bag. She grabs it and starts to move quickly towards the door.

"Penelope?"

The technical analyst turns back to her friends, just barely holding back tears.

"Thank you," Emily whispers, her thumb slowly stroking circles into the sides of JJ's wrist. She turns her focus back to the younger blonde, barely reacting as the door shuts.

"It's okay. It's okay," she whispers soothingly.

JJ's eyes flick towards the screen, her breathing picking up when she sees the team of search and rescue dogs scattered around on the monitors. "No, no," she protests weakly through gasps. "They can't... they'll..."

"Hey," Emily murmurs softly, gently cupping the blonde's cheek in her hand and coaxing her to focus on anything but the dogs on the screens. "Hey..."

JJ's breath hiccups, her eyes squeezing shut tightly. Her stomach is rolling, and she swears she's starting to smell the rank, putrid odor of that barn. "They can't," she squeaks out, grabbing onto Emily's arms as her legs tremble. "Emily."

"Listen to me, okay? JJ, I need you to listen to me," Emily says calmly, but firmly. She holds onto the trembling blonde as she stumbles, the raven haired agent biting her lip nervously.

She's trying to remain calm, really, she is. Emily's dealt with enough panic attacks in her lifetime to know what to do to help someone come down from one. She knows she needs to help JJ get her breathing under control before she makes herself pass out and hurt herself further (the coffee from her cup had definitely burnt her hand a little).

Emily blinks and swallows harshly, wetting her lips before dropping her voice low. She doesn't do this, doesn't sing for people. The last person she had done so for was Declan almost a decade ago. But, she's not sure what else to do.

She clears her throat, the tips of her ears burning with embarrassment as she starts off. "Blackbird singing in the dead of night..."

The blonde in her arms shudders, a small hiccuped sob escaping from the back of her throat. There's a pause in her hyperventilation, as if she's surprised by what Emily's doing.

The raven haired agent inhales deeply before the next line, relaxing slightly when the body in her hold starts to mimic the pattern.

"Take these broken wings..."

Inhale.

1-2-3-4.

Hold.

1-2-3-4.

Release.

1-2-3-4.

"...and learn how to fly."

Emily sings softly, continuing the pattern of breathing for JJ to follow as she begins to calm. She's still trembling, her knuckles white as they grasp onto Emily's arms. But she's not as panicked, nowhere as erratic as she was just moments before.

"Emily..." JJ starts timidly, closing her eyes and leaning forward into the other woman, exhausted. "Don't let them..."

"I won't," Emily swears firmly. "They won't."

JJ sniffles. "Promise?"

"I promise."

Chapter Text

She never saw herself like this. She never even considered starting a family for so long, not after Ros. By the time she joined the BAU, she was content to put that part of her life on the back burner to advance her career first. It wasn't even on her mind when she and Will started getting more serious. Becoming a mother just... happened.

It's not to say JJ minds—she wouldn't trade Hnery for anything in the world. She gets emotional thinking about how he's almost five months old now. She often would find herself in those early days just staring down at him in amazement and wonder. He's got her blue eyes, her blonde colored hair, but has Will's nose, chin and thick, curly hair texture. It feels like yesterday he was just a squirmy, tiny baby that could easily fit into her arms. 

Now that he’s a bit bigger, a bit older, he’s just starting to develop his personality. Henry is incredibly intuitive and smart, always taking in the world around him and finding something interesting about it. He babbles softly as if wanting to form sentences, mashing incoherent gurgles and hums with his favorite words. 

(At the moment, that word is “mama” yet again, much to Will’s chagrin. “Mama was already his first word. Wouldn’t hurt if he became obsessed with “dada” again, is all,” Will had protested to JJ the previous day, his pout exaggerated as Henry cheerily chanted, “mama!” 

The man had sighed before carefully tickling at Henry’s belly, that lopsided grin that had first charmed JJ spreading on his face. “Guess I can’t fault the lil guy for being obsessed with ya too much, though.”)

Will’s a decent guy: a little old fashioned and stuck in his ways with what he wants of her, but JJ finds it easy to be with him. He’s a Southern gentleman at heart, charming, and he’s an amazing father. The disagreements they’ve had just after he moved up from New Orleans for her have all but died down since Henry’s come around.

They’ve put a mortgage down on a nice two story home with a giant fenced in backyard. It’s right in the middle of a neighborhood filled with retired veterans and other law officials, strict guidelines set in place by the HOA that prohibits noise over a certain decibel. 

JJ likes to take Henry on walks on her rare days off, feeling more than comfortable to stick to the confines of their neighborhood. There’s no reason for her to feel on edge or be on the lookout for anything. 

No one within the entire block even has a dog. 

Most days, she hooks Henry up in his stroller and walk slowly up and down the block. She entertains his babbles with enthusiastic responses of her own as they walk around, her face expressive as she talks back to her son. She must look silly and a bit stupid to her neighbors, but seeing Henry’s face light up with a smile is enough to let all those small worries roll right off her shoulder.

Today, she’s hooked Henry into a carrier that she can clip around her chest and slide him into. She has full use of her arms with this thing, but supports his weight on her forearms as they make their way up the block towards the house.

Henry babbles, a teething ring gripped tightly in his hand. He hums before biting down on the thick rubber, getting drool all over his hand and JJ’s shirt in the process. He squeaks in discomfort, eyebrows pinching together as he chews.

He’s just recently started teething, becoming a bit more fussy at the uncomfortable sensation. Both Will and JJ have their freezer stocked with various rings and chews to make things a bit easier on the little guy. It is still a bit stressful on the new parents to see their son in pain.

JJ clicks her tongue softly, smoothing back his hair gently with a few fingers before planting a kiss on top of his head. “I know, baby,” she coos to him sympathetically. “We’ll get a new one when we get back, yeah?”

Henry grabs for one of her fingers with his free hand, finding that way more interesting to chew on. JJ tsks gently, pulling her finger back away from his mouth. She finds his teething ring again, offering it out to Henry. He turns his head away with a small whine, gurgling in protest. He babbles a few sounds, sucking his fist into his mouth.

“Oh, be mad at me all you want,” JJ insists with a fond smile. “When we get home, tell dada all about it, huh?”

Henry perks up at this. “Da?”

The blonde chuckles, pressing another kiss to Henry’s temple as they come up on the house. “Yeah,” she agrees, using her forefinger and thumb to gently tickle the baby’s cheek. She grins when Henry smiles, turning his head into her chest. “Tell dada that mama won’t let you bite—“

She looks up from her son, freezing just at the edge of the driveway. 

Will’s car is there, parked right beside her own. The front door is open, too, only a glass door shut between the house and the outside, as if her boyfriend is expecting them both home at any minute. The inside of their house is lit up with a muted yellow glow, their shoes both placed neatly just besides the door on a mat. Nothing is out of the ordinary.

Except, waiting to greet JJ and Henry at the door just behind the glass door, is a big, yellow lab. The dog’s ears are perked up, body relaxed and tail slowly swishing as it spots the two of them.

JJ’s nearly frozen in place, a hand coming up to clutch Henry close to her chest. Her heart is hammering, the knuckles of the hand not holding Henry’s head turning white from clutching beneath her son. A cold sweat breaks out on her upper lip and forehead, eyes never leaving the dog standing at the door of her house. 

JJ knows better, knows not to freak out for the sake of her son, but finds her mind spiraling as she thinks of Will, and where he could be. Was he hurt? She finds herself feeling nauseated at the thought of her boyfriend ending up like that woman in the barn. She brings a hand up and presses the back firmly against her lips to physically stop herself from gagging.

She takes a shaky step back, then another, and another until she stumbles her way to her car. She stops herself from throwing open the back passenger’s side door, sliding herself and Henry inside. Once the door shuts, she unbuckles Henry from her chest, carefully guiding her baby into the car seat. 

Henry has all but gone silent, blinking up at her in confusion. He’s clearly picked up on his mother’s distress, mimicking her behavior to avoid causing whatever danger to spook. 

JJ tries her best to give her baby a reassuring smile, but knows it’s futile. She instead begins to rub small, soothing circles into his chest. Her eyes are burning with unshed tears, her fingers a uncontrollable mess of tremors as she fetched her phone from her pocket. 

“It’s okay,” she croaks, unsure if she says it for Henry’s sake or her own. She clears her throat, turning her head so her son can’t see her tears. “We’re okay.“

She scrolls through her contact list, biting her lip to stop the small sob from escaping her throat. A small, barely audible noise of relief leaves her as she finds the name she’s been looking for. She firmly stabs the call button with her finger, eyes locked onto the front door.

She bounces her knee, allowing Henry to take her finger and gum at it. She’s past the point of bothering to correct his action now, anxiety steadily rising as she waits for the person on the other end to answer. When the line clicks as the call goes through, another hiccuped breath escapes her lips.

“I just,” she whispers, trying her best to keep her voice steady. She wipes fruitlessly at her tears with the hand holding her phone, only now becoming aware of the tremors taking over her entire body. “Emily—“

On the other end of the line, JJ hears Emily’s keys jangle and a door swing open. “Where are you? Is Henry okay? Are you?”

JJ nods furiously, small gasp escaping her lips. “We’re fine,” she chokes out, gently wagging her finger in Henry’s grasp when he begins to fuss. She gulps, turning her attention back to her son in his carseat, pressing a series of small kissed to his hair. 

JJ nods against her son’s head, pulling back and sitting up in the car once more. “We’re fine. But…” Her eyes flicker towards the door, her expression crumpling. “Emily, there’s a dog in the house.” A small, choked sob catches in her throat. “Will’s in there and I can’t—“

She bites down hard enough on her lip to draw blood, sinking feeling ever so present in the air that it’s nearly suffocating. “I can’t—“

“Hey,” Emily interrupts in a soft voice, the sound of a car door opening and closing now in the background. “Hey, Jayje, I need you to breathe for me, okay?”

Bile rises in her throat, panic coiling around her like a python. “I can’t!” She squeaks out in a gasp. “Will—he— it’s—“

Henry lets out a small cry, kicking his feet in distress. It only makes JJ feel worse, sends her more down her spiral. She’s finding it extremely hard to focus, to keep calm.

“Yes, you can,” Emily insists over the line, tone soothing, yet firm. “I’m coming, okay? You’re at home?”

JJ’s anxiety eases ever so slightly at Emily’s words. “You’re coming?”

“Mhm,” Emily hums, and the very faint sound of it has ever muscle in the blonde’s body easing so slightly. “I’m on my way, okay? I need you to breathe for me in the meantime.”

JJ nods, sucking in a deep breath. She turns to Henry and brings his hand up to her face. She presses her lips to his tiny fist, closing her eyes, counting slowly to four, before puffing out air. 

“There you go,” Emily praises. “Keep going, okay?” There’s a small pause on the line, JJ’s slowly steading breathes filling the silence. “What’s Henry doing?”

JJ cracks her eyelids open to peer at her son, who stares up at her with a small pout. He sighs, shaking his teething ring in his free fist before rubbing at his face. He’s about due for a nap.

JJ just kisses his tiny hand. “In his car seat,” she finally responds, lips tugging down slightly. “I don’t—“

A knock on the window nearly scares her half to death, a small, surprised gasp falling from her lips. Eyes wide, she turns to the noise, half expecting to see the dog leaping at the car like in Kujo. 

Instead of a mad, rabid dog, there’s Will outside of the car, perplexed expression on his face. “JJ?”

“Da!” Henry chirps.

“Will!” the blonde gasps into the receiver, tossing her phone into the free seat and unlocking the door for the man to open. Relief floods her entire being as her boyfriend sticks his head into the car. She flings herself at him, wrapping her arms around his frame with a small sob of relief. 

“You’re okay,” she whispers into his work shirt, fingers digging into his back. “You’re okay.”

Will startles at her reaction, carefully wounding his arms around her frame. “ ‘Course I am, cher. Why wouldn’t I be?” He peeks his head over her shoulder, more confused as JJ sobs into his chest. “I saw you guys come back from your walk, and never heard you come in.”

“Daaaaaa!” Henry draws out, shaking his teething ring.

“What on earth are you two doing out here?”

JJ’s hands grasp firmly onto Will’s shoulders, whole body still shaking. “There… There’s a dog…”

Will pulls from the embrace to look back at the door, eyebrow raised. “Who? Chance?” He rubs both of her arms, expression softening. “Johnson’s out of town for a few days and needed someone to watch him, is all. Friendly as all can be,” he assures, finally turning his attention to Henry. “Hey, little man!”

JJ freezes on the pavement, barely moving as her boyfriend squeezes past her into the car with Henry. She brings her arm up to clutch her shoulder, heart racing for an entirely different reason. She fights to keep her voice steady, to keep the hurt from her tone when she says, “You brought it home?” 

Will’s smile drops from his face when he looks up from their son to his girlfriend. He frowns, mouth open to explain when he’s cut off by Emily’s car pulling in right behind JJ’s.

The two fall silent as the brunette jogs up to them, clearly a bit on edge from the phone call with JJ. Her hand, which had been on her side, falls down at the sight of the family. 

“Will?” She turns to JJ, who looks blankly at the detective sitting with Henry. Her lips tug down, posture straightening slightly. “You okay?”

Will exhales slowly, looking between the two women with a nod. He turns back to his son, grabbing onto his hand gently. “Yeah.”

Emily watches JJ’s reaction, nodding slowly. “Okay.” She turns briefly towards the house, noting the sizable dog by the door observing them all. “Um…” She clasps her hands together slowly. “Do you… uh… need… anything?”

“Can I put his seat in your car?” JJ finally asks quietly, refusing to meet either Will or Emily’s gaze. She opens up the car door, retrieving her phone. “I’m going to ask Penelope if we can stay there for a few days.”

“JJ—“

The blonde turns and glares at Will, making the man fall silent. “I’m not… staying with it in the house. I’m not putting Henry at risk, either. She’s got enough for him there for a few days.” She turns to Emily, looking worn down and defeated as she asks. “Can you take us?”

Emily nods mutely, watching as the blonde walks off away from the house. She’s silent as Will stands outside with Henry, holding his son close. He watches as Emily transfers Henry’s carseat to her vehicle with a solemn expression. He waits as she buckles it in and hooks it up, tugging it to make sure it’s solid.

“I thought she wouldn’t mind,” he finally says, lips tugging down. “It’s not even the same type of dog…” He trails off, pressing a kiss to Henry’s head.

Emily gently rests a comforting hand on the man’s shoulder, sighing softly. She nods when Will tells her where Henry’s diaper bag is in the house, leaving him alone with Henry going to grab it real quick.

Chance is a sweetheart, sniffing politely at her hands when she enters but giving her wide berth as she grabs what she needs. She knows what Will did wasn’t at all malicious, and he really did think JJ would be okay with a trained dog in the house temporarily.

But Emily knows JJ, understands that her fears don’t care how sweet or gentle a dog is. It’s still a dog, and JJ’s phobia tells her that she needs to be weary of it, to fear to the point her reaction is out of her control.

When Emily exits the house, Will is leaning his head on his arms into her car’s passenger seat and talking in a hushed tone with JJ. Henry appears to be nowhere in sight, leading Emily to believe the baby is already buckled in his seat.

She cautiously approaches her car.

“—I swear, Jennifer, it was only for a few days,” Will whispers, tone near pleading. “I knew he was a lab, so I thought it was okay.”

JJ stares out the windshield, one knee up to her chest in the small car seat. She turns when Emily opens the driver’s side door, buckling herself in. She lifts her head to meet Will’s gaze, anger and betrayal churning her stomach with bile. She bites her inner cheek, whipping her face away from her boyfriend’s. She can’t stand to look at him right now.

“Just… get him out. Please,” she stresses quietly, lacing her own fingers together tightly. “I’ll call you when we get to Penelope’s.”

Will stands up right, stuffing his hands into his pockets and watching silently as Emily pulls out of the driveway onto the main road before driving away.

Emily peers into the rear view mirror, watching Henry grab for the small cup JJ hands him. His suckling noises fill the silence of the car, until they slow and finally stop as he gives into his exhaustion and falls asleep.

Emily gently taps on her break at a red light, car carefully crawling to a halt. She briefly turns when JJ reaches into the back once more to grab the cup from Henry. Her expression is tight, appearing to look only seconds from breaking. 

Emily’s heart clenches, “JJ…”

The blonde faces the brunette, eyes shining with tears. With a small, gentle touch to the back of her wrist, JJ finally lets out a small, choked cry. She leans over the middle counsel, gripping onto Emily’s shirt as she turns her face into the brunette body and sobs.

Chapter Text

The ring is made of a smooth golden band, an opalescent pearl sitting on top smack dab in the middle. Depending on how the light catches the gem, it reflects varying shades of blues, greens and purples. The jewelry is simplistic, yet beautiful, eye catching especially as it sits in the small red velvet box it's usually stored in.

JJ's become all too familiar with the piece. Will had been trying to propose to her with it ever since he showed up in Vegas after she had told him about her pregnancy. Time after time again, she had refused, giving him vague excuses as to why it wasn't a good time for her to agree.

As the box rests open on the table that sits besides Will's hospital bed, JJ thinks she finally has the answer for him. This time, she's not going to feed him bullshit and dance around the bush. She knows now, and after nearly losing him on countless occasions today, she figures the least Will deserves of her is the truth.

Today is the last day she'll refuse his proposal.

JJ glances over at Will, still fast asleep in his hospital bed, worn out from the events that had transpired today. His mouth is agape, breathing steady and strong (she's never been so grateful for the sound). He's laying a bit stiff on his back with arms by his sides, but he doesn't appear to be in much pain anymore. His left palm is up towards the ceiling, as if he wants the physical contact of his girlfriend.

JJ doesn't feel right waking him and doesn't want to risk it, though. He really needs the rest. She sits as close as the chair will allow her, bringing her clasped hands to her lips. She watches Will carefully, simply allowing herself to take in every part of him as her mind wonders.

From the very beginning of their relationship, Will has done nothing but sacrifice everything for her, for Henry, and for their life.

He's the one that made the choice to uproot his life and move to DC for her.

He's the one that quit his job on the force, that made the switch to a job that's way less dangerous and local. A job that guarantees more than JJ's own that he'll come home every night unscathed.

Will's been the stay at home parent, stepping back and allowing her to become the breadwinner of the family.

Time after time, Will has done nothing but give all that he has, asking only very little of her in return.

The one time JJ had tried to give back to him wasn't even a choice of her own.

And even still, she had only been sent further away from him and Henry, placed on a task force in the middle of Afghanistan and sworn to secrecy. She had only put them more at risk then, the looming threat of what could happen to them shall any part of Integrity fall from her mouth constantly looming over her head like a dark cloud.

She loves Will, loves him so fiercely sometimes that it aches. He's been nothing but good, no, amazing, to her since the day they've met. He's one of the most incredible people she knows, so kind, understanding and patient. He loves her and Henry with everything he's got, allows her to see the most vulnerable parts of himself.

She knows everything there is to know about Will: his fears, his past, the strained relationship he had with his father before his death, and the even more strained relationship he has with his mom. Will is an open book with her. He always has been.

She has told him about the dogs, about her fear of them. While he clearly hadn't understood her phobia in the beginning, he's made efforts in the past few years to make up for bringing home a dog that one time.

She's told him of her bisexuality, something she's never made the attempt to hide since leaving her small hometown. It's a part of herself that took a long time to accept, something that she made clear wasn't going to change from the very start of her relationship. It's never been an issue for him.

But that's where the parts of her Will knows stops. There's so much more of herself she keeps from him, hidden just under the surface. There's so much of herself that JJ hides from Will that goes beyond Integrity.

She hasn't told him about Ros, not fully anyway. She's told Hotch more about Ros than anyone else, and even her boss doesn't know the full story.

She doesn't talk to Will about Sandy, about the fear that grips her chest every time she even thinks about going back to East Allegheny. How much it terrifies her to think about the vacant look in her mother's eyes. How all JJ can picture her mother as is the hollowed cheek and skeletal framed figure she was in the months following her sister's suicide.

She hasn't told Will about Maggie, about the baby girl nobody on the planet got to know except her. Gone within an instant, seemingly almost as soon as JJ fell in love with her, snatched so cruelly from their lives before anyone else had the joy of knowing about her.

She didn't even tell Will about Emily, about the secret files and intercepted Interpol jets and the nights spent undercover in Paris. She doesn't know if that really counts, though, since she never told anyone about that.

(She knows there's things about Paris, about Emily, that Will will never be told. He won't know about the late nights she spent gripped in another woman's arms, holding onto her like a lifeline as the nightmares wrecked havoc on a broken spirit. He won't know about the the countless times she had held onto Emily as she sobbed into her arms, weeping for the life and friends she left behind and the what ifs and—

Will doesn't need to know about Paris. No one else does besides herself and Emily.)

JJ swears she's the most selfish person she knows. That, or the most dense idiot on the face of this planet. She can swear to Will, to herself, over and over again that she loves him and mean it every single time with everything she has. She can say it til she's blue in the face and it won't change how she really feels about him.

She loves him, but she's not in love with him.

It's not Will she calls when she's stuck in her own head, when she needs someone to pull her back to reality.

It's not him she talks with about anything and everything.

It's not him that knows all of her secrets and fears.

She didn't show up to Will seeking his comfort in the weeks following Haley Hotchner's murder. It's not his arms she had fallen into as the reality of her job had really sunk in, as the stakes were spelled out plainly in front of her eyes. It wasn't his shirt she had used to dry her tears, or his hands gripped tightly in her own.

Even today, even when he had very nearly died, it wasn't his name that had fallen like a despaired, desperate prayer from her lips when the bank blew up.

When the whole ordeal was over, when the bomb had been disarmed from Will and removed, and the bomb squad had brought in the explosive detection dogs, it wasn't Will's direction JJ had lunged at in a panic. Even with her body aching, sore and tired, the sight of canines heading towards Emily's direction had ignited a renewed sense of urgency in the blonde. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself in the way, to protect the other woman from facing any more danger than she had already put herself in today.

The answer hit JJ so squarely in the chest, she was nearly rendered speechless. She was silent as Hotch took Henry home with himself and Jack, as Will and Emily were loaded up into their own respective ambulances, as Spencer offered to drive her to the hospital. She hasn't uttered a single word since she's figured everything out.

It was Emily. It had always been Emily.

It's not fair for JJ to keep lying to herself and pretend it's Will.

No, it's not fair to Will. It's not fair to him at all. It never has been. And JJ's certain it will never be.

It's not right.

She reaches out towards the box carefully, silently shutting the lid before placing the box back down.

Her heart shatters when she removes her hand from the box, aches painfully for the man who's heart she's about to break for the last time.

There's a part of her, albeit small, that wants to allow Will be selfish for once, to give him everything he wants because it's the least she can do for him. But the more logical part of her brain knows that would never be good for them in the long run. They'll be okay at first, JJ's sure of that, but there's going to be that breaking point somewhere down the line. It's going to be her job, or his desire for her to change, or her inability to change, or some combination of it all that will send them both past a point they'll never recover from.

JJ doesn't want that.

She wants even less to break Will's heart, but knows it's inevitably going to happen when her own heart isn't his to have. She's only now admitted to herself that it never has been.

On the bed, Will stirs with a groan. JJ freezes on the chair, making herself look over at him as    he wakes up.

His eyes open in slits, blocking out the bright lights above him with a squint. His arm comes up to cover over his face as he blinks to adjust to the sudden intrusion. He blinks slowly, turning his face.

JJ watches as he wakes, guilt rolling through her veins like ice.

Will looks over at her, nothing but love and adoration on his face. His eyes flick to her left hand, frowning slightly when he spots her bare ring finger. His eyes move again, searching until they land on the closed ring box. His expression goes from blank, back to confusion, to dejection. His shoulders slump, his eyebrows dip sorrowful, and lip quivers ever so slightly as it dawns on him what her action means.

JJ reaches for him, grasping his hand tightly in her own. The tears she had kept deep down all day finally begin to burn her eyes, making her vision blur. She refuses to let Will go, though. She wants him to know how much she cares about him, wants him to understand that this decision isn't an easy one for her to make. She's hurting for them, too, for what they will never get to be.

Will exhales sharply, but doesn't pull his hand from her's. JJ's thumb brushes comfortingly along his knuckles, stopping herself from spilling everything out on him. Will deserves the chance to speak, and the least JJ can do is hear him out.

He blinks rapidly at the ceiling, Adam's apple bopping frantically as he struggles to hold back tears of his own. "I wasn't... that bad... right?"

JJ shatters at this, biting down on her lip to stifle a sob. "No," she answers truthfully. "God, no." She brings his hand up, leans her lips against their linked fingers. "You're the best person I know, Will. You're the best thing to happen to me. You gave me Henry, and there's nothing in the world I would give to change that." She shakes her hand against his hand firmly. "Nothing."

She inhales shakily, swallowing around the lump in her throat as she continues. "What we have? It's not good. It's not. I can't keep asking more of you when I don't give nearly as much in return."

He looks down at her somberly, eyes red with tears. A small, shuddered whimper falls from his lips. "I'll stop asking you to quit," he whispers desperately, his hand tightening around her's. "I won't ask you to change again."

JJ smiles sadly. "And hold your tongue, be miserable? Give up everything about yourself for what I want again?" She shakes her head quickly. "I don't want you to do that. It's not fair, Will."

"I never complained," he says, shaking his head just as fast. "I'll change for you again and again."

"I don't want you to change," JJ repeats more firmly. She softens up, turning her face to wipe her tears on her shoulder. "You deserve someone that gives back just as much as you do."

Will goes silent for a long time, processing everything. JJ watches his face carefully, staying by his side the entire time. It's painstaking to watch the fight finally leave him, the resigned acceptance cross his features as he comes to terms with the end of their five year relationship.

Tears silently stream down his face. He brings their hands up to his face, kissing the back of JJ's softly. "I love you," he whispers, the words sighed out like a goodbye.

JJ leans up, pressing a lingering kiss to her ex's forehead. "I love you," she swears, means it with everything in her because she really does, even if the words don't hold the same weight they always have.

Will clutches at her, sounding so small when he croaks out, "Stay with me tonight?"

JJ nods, already having committed to spending the night at the man's side.

Will looks her in the eyes, sorrowful yet still shining with adoration for her. "Swear?"

JJ gives his fingers a squeeze, fully intending to  uphold his last ask, her last promise to him.

She links a pinky with one of his, meeting his eyes when she says, "I promise."

Chapter Text

There's so much going on around her, she feels so overstimulated and can't do shit about it.

A dog, crazed and frenzied, barks like mad in the crude, chainlink cage just behind her.

Pain. It's clear she's in so much pain.

The dog's barking echoes off the concrete walls, making her ears ring.

All her weight is being held up by her wrists only, looped tightly with rusting, thick chains. They're digging into her skin, causing sores, cuts and scrapes. Her side spasms involuntarily, the aftershocks of being electrocuted with a jumper cable and a car battery still working through her nerves. The flesh at her side is raw and tender, no doubt covered with second, maybe even third, degree burns.

The dog throws itself against the cage behind her, desperate to get at her.

Her breathing sounds thick and congested as a result of the cold water that had been sucked into her lungs from being water boarded.

The dog's nails scramble against the slippery wet floor, barking and barking and barking...

Her entire body is covered in goosebumps, her lips no doubt a pale shade of purplish blue. She doesn't ever remember ever being this cold in her life.

The gate rattles behind her head as the dog again throws itself against the fence.

A hand roughly grabs under her chin, forcing her to open her eyes and stare at one of her captors right in the face. His smile is wide, but is so unfriendly and cold, uncaring. He tips his head to the side, clicking his tongue in mock sympathy at the utter rage he finds in her expression.

"Keep your hands off of her!" she hears Mateo Cruz, the only other person besides her entrusted with every single detail of Integrity, shout from across the room. He's in the same position as she is, his face a massacre of bruises and cuts.

A quick thump followed by a sharp cry echoes throughout the room. Mat falls silent.

"This can all be over so easily, Miss Jareau," Michael Hastings coos at her, his breath hitting her cheek. "All you have to do is give up your code."

JJ's hands ball into as much of a fist as she can muster, her jaw clenching at the blatant disregard of her title as an agent. She glares back at Hastings, silently wishing every worst thing imaginable on the man. On this absolute traitor.

She hates him so much. Much more than anyone she's ever met before. She wants to scream in his face, to break from her restraints and destroy him.

She wants him dead, and she doesn't want it to be quick.

He's the one that's responsible for Nadia's death.

He's the one responsible for the deaths of the dozens of men on that tactical force.

He's the reason Henry doesn't have a sister.

He's the one responsible for the explosion that resulted in her miscarriage, the deaths of more innocent people.

Instead of giving Hastings a response, her chest heaves, breathing coming out in short, furious bursts. She works up a mouthful of saliva, spitting directly on his face.

"Go to hell," she grits out once his eyes meet her's.

Hastings brings his free hand up to his cheek, wiping away her saliva with a gleam in his eye. His other hand roughly drops from her chin, using it to slap her quickly,  harshly, with a shrug. "Fine. I was trying to be nice, but you're being a grade A bitch."

He licks his lips before stepping back from her. He looks just behind her shoulder at his men. He snaps his fingers at one. "You, grab Cruz."

Hastings looks across at Tivon Askari, who leans against the wall looking bored. But JJ isn't so easily fooled by his façade. He's eager for another go at her, to use some new sick, sadistic method to get her to break.

"And, you..." Hastings starts, pointing to Askari before looking back at JJ with a quirk of his eyebrows. He wipes his face with the side of his hand slowly, taunting.

JJ tenses against the restraints, remaining impassive and cold on the outside, all the while her stomach is rolling at what she knows Hastings is going to order. And she damn well knows that Askari will be more than happy to obey.

The dog's barking has turned into snarls, echoing loudly around the room.

She knows Hastings knows about how she is with dogs. She always made a point to avoid the strays on the base, to turn around in the opposite direction when a dog was walking towards her. It wasn't often that she had to, but just enough to clue Hastings in. Just enough to know what it might take to break her.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Hastings locks eyes with JJ one more time, smirking. "Let the dog out to play with our friend here. See if it can push her in the right direction."

JJ watches with wide, frantic eyes as he pulls a level on the wall that makes Mat drop to the floor. The unconscious man groans in pain, causing her throat to constrict. "No, no, don't you touch him!" she growls when Hastings' men approach him. "Mat!" She struggles against her restraints, wanting nothing more than to protect her friend from any more harm. "Don't touch him!"

Her threats fall on deaf ears as Mat is grabbed by two men and dragged away, leaving her alone with Tivon Askari and his sick, twisted mind.

JJ jolts her head back and up, staring at the ceiling with her jaw clenched tightly. She coaches herself to remain as calm as she can, to not give the sadistic asshole left alone with her any reaction. She tries to control her breathing, the ever steady increasing beating of her heart, even as she hears the gate latch open.

Her nails dig into her palms, and her eyes squeeze shut tightly.

The dog's breath is hot against the back of her legs.

She bites her inner cheek hard enough to draw blood, willing herself not to give Askari any satisfaction of watching her break.

The barking is so, so much closer and higher pitched. Excited.

She can practically feel the dog with how close it is, how just how little its being held back.

There's a nip, sharp and quick, to the back of her calf.

She's not sure if that's what finally makes her lose composure, but suddenly she's trying to scramble away from the animal, feet scuttling against the floor as much as possible. Her throat is raw and sore, her own yells unable to be heard over the dog's excessive barking. Her heart feels as if it's gonna beat outside of her chest, her breathing a mess of incoherent sobs and wheezes.

She doesn't know how long that goes on, Askari holding the dog back just far enough away to be unable to attack her before bringing it just close enough to nip her calf. He's teasing her, warning that at any minute his grip could falter and she would end up ripped to shreds.

It's too much.

It's too much.

By the time Askari gets bored, JJ is worn and exhausted from hyperventilating and stress. Her whole body shakes with tremors, her breathing only coming in and out through sharp, quick pants.

She barely notices the clicking of the latch as the dog is put away, the barking that's been ever present since her abduction having become her own personal soundtrack of Hell.

She falls like a sack of bricks when Askari releases the lever for her chains. He gives her burnt side a careless kick with his boot on his way out of the room, leaving her completely alone with the crazed, caged canine.

She stays there in a pile, curled up on herself on the cold floor.

She's at the lowest point that she's been at since she found Ros in that bathtub when she was just eleven years old. She's never felt so defeated, so hopeless in her entire life. She doesn't know how much longer she can do this. She's endured this torture for hours upon hours and really doesn't think she can hold on much longer.

She's going to lose it.

The thought makes her expression crumple. She can't break. It's not an option. She knows what happens if she does. It doesn't only endanger her life, but so many other peoples' lives: her friends, her family, the entire country is at risk if these people get her launch codes.

But giving up, telling them her code, means that this can all be over. She won't have to feel any pain. She won't have to be afraid. She can just... let go.

She turns her head and vomits at the thought, stomach convulsing at the force. Her nose and eyes burn as she retches pathetically beside herself on the ground. She can't even force herself to move away.

She lays her head back on the concrete facing away from the door as her emotions finally spill out. She's so dehydrated that her head is pounding, her tongue as dry as sandpaper and no tears are able to fall. And yet, all she can do, is lay against the floor and weep.

She's so, so tired.

The door to the room creaks open, but she doesn't have the energy to face her tormentors. She stares at the wall, inhaling sharply to ward off any more sobs from escaping. She will not give these people the satisfaction of seeing her so low, so broken.

She can feel the body behind her, feel their warmth as they crouch beside her. She tenses ever so slightly, working her jaw to keep it from wobbling so uncontrollably.

Bring it on, assholes.

A slender hand, so tender and so soft, brushes her hair from her face. JJ blinks in surprise at the tenderness, weakly lifting her head in the person's direction. The figure is bleary in her vision, the light in the room directly behind the other person's head like a halo.

Like an angel.

"JJ..."

Her heart thumps wildly, a warm, pleasant feeling spreading through her body at the voice. She knows who this person is, knew that they would find her. She can always count on them.

"Emily," JJ whispers in disbelief, wonder. A small disbelieving chuckle that sounds half mad bubbles from her throat. She leans her head into the brunette's palm, feeling safe for the first time in hours. "You came."

Emily purses her lips together and shushes her soothingly, her hand combing through matted blonde locks. "You need to save your energy," she whispers comfortingly. "You've been through a lot."

"They keep pushing me," JJ slurs, clearly ignoring what Emily's told her. She shakes her head against Emily's palm, barely stifling a sob by biting her lip. "I want to go home."

Emily's hand gently cups the blonde's cheek. "I know."

JJ's breath hitches at just how warm the other woman feels, leans further into her embrace. Her fingers twitch in the chains, long to grip onto Emily's own like a vice. "I don't know how much more I can take, Emily," she whispers hopelessly. "I think I might break."

"You have to."

Emily's voice shifts, sounds more masculine yet still so familiar and warm. The skin of the hand against her cheek is a bit rougher, calloused. JJ's vision finally begins to focus, and suddenly Mat is hunched protectively over her, looking just as hopeless as she feels.

"You have to," he tells her softly, stroking his hand through her hair.

JJ's breath hitches, jerking her face away from Mat's touch. She feels so dejected, so stupid. She thought it was over, that she was saved and she could go home. She thought that Emily was here to save her from this nightmare.

"I think I'm losing it," she whimpers, biting down on her lip as she looks up at her former field leader. She wants him to tell her to hold on a bit longer, to reassure her that the BAU for sure knows that they're missing and they're gonna do whatever it takes to rescue them. She wants him to tell her that this is almost over.

Instead, Mat's expression darkens into something that makes JJ's blood run cold. It's the same look he had watching the body cam of the soldiers walking into that building in Afghanistan. The building that both of them watched blow to smithereens in real time.

It's inevitability. Grim acceptance.

He doesn't think they're making out of this alive.

JJ turns her head away from him. She doesn't need this. She doesn't need to know Mat's already accepted defeat. She needs her hope, what little of it she has, that they'll make it through this. She needs to believe her team is coming. She needs to believe that Emily's on her way to save her.

She has to believe that, or else she knows she's gonna break.

The door to the room bursts open, dozens of pairs of footsteps echoing against the ground. Mat is picked up roughly and tossed into his restraints once more.

JJ's arms smart as she's lifted quickly up off the ground, the muscles aching and sore from being jolted so crudely. There's commotion from Mat's side of the room, some sharp words, a few angry cries of protest, the thudding of boots against skin.

Askari walks into JJ's line of sight, smiling like a shark when he holds up the jumper cables in her face. "Ready for more?"

JJ's chest heaves as she inhales, her fingers digging into her palm. She tenses in anticipation, preparing herself for the pain.

Hastings enters the room before the positive end of the cable is thrust into her side, a sharp snap of his fingers echoing throughout the room. "We aren't getting anywhere with that," he tells Askari, tossing the crude device to the side. "I'm tired of playing games. We're running out of time."

Askari turns to Hastings with a slight frown. "It's not going to take much," he argues. "Give me a few more minutes and I'll have her talking."

Hastings shakes his head. "No. We're done with this. We need those codes, now." He turns to JJ and Mat, as if seeing them for the first time. He waves his hand towards the cage. "Get the mutt out again. I don't care who it goes for, just get me results."

JJ stares ahead at the wall in front of her, stomach dropping at the command. She can feel Mat watching her from her peripheral, but refuses to meet his gaze. Her palms sweat, even more so when the barking in the room gets louder.

She squeezes her eyes shut.

All hell breaks loose.

The dog's incessant barking only increases, snarling and snapping at anyone and anything in the room. She can hear it behind her, behind Mat, hear Mat shouting, other men yelling.

The sharp rip of fabric tear of Mat's pant leg as the dog's teeth sink into his calf.

Her own screaming echos in her ears as the horror of what's going on dawns on her. The sounds of his screaming is barely heard above the sharp, angered snarls of the dog as it attacks.

His cries of pain are too much for her to handle.

Her chest is heaving, her nose is running, and her heart is absolutely palpitating way quicker than it should be. All she can think of is that poor woman ripped to shreds in that barn, about how Mat's going to end up just like her.

There's gonna be nothing left of him.

"Call it off!" she shouts in a sob above the commotion. "God, call it off! I'll give it up! God, just call it off! Just get it off of him, please!"

Her breath hiccups when Hastings raises a palm to placate the madness, a smug, closed mouth grin spreading on his face. Dread weighs heavily in her chest like lead, the reality of what she said sinking in. She winces when Hastings pats her cheek in approval. Turns her head away when he says, "Now was that so hard?," right on her face.

It's eerie how quickly his expression goes neutral, how fast he goes completely cold. He pulls back, jerking his head to the side as a silent command.

Suddenly, the dog is in front of her, teeth bared, hackles raised thick drool dripping from its maw, eyes dark and determined. The animal is held back only by a thin piece of rope that could snap at any moment.

JJ holds her breath, eyes blown wide, body going rigid and still as she faces down the canine. She can't move, afraid a single twitch of her body will have the dog snap.

Hastings walks over to Mat, crouching to be at eye level with the other man. "You want to try her luck next?" he asks lowly, menacingly.

Mat ignores Hastings, focusing all his attention on JJ. She won't look over at him, refuses look away from the threat in front of her, but sees him out of the corner of her eye. She finds no malice, no disbelief in his expression. There's fear there, but no for what she's agreed to. He's scared for her, for what would happen if he hesitates a moment longer.

It doesn't help the all consuming feeling of despair filling her body when he agrees to give up his code, even if it is to spare her from being hurt. It won't matter. It won't stop these men from using these codes to hurt every single person JJ and Mat ever cared about. It won't stop them from using the codes to cause grievous harm to the country.

The dog barks continue, even more so as its thrown back into its cage.

JJ swears it matches with the beating of her racing heart. She feels as if she's underwater, the noise muffled and out of focus. Her head is spinning, her knees aching from taking the brunt force of all her weight falling limply onto the concrete.

The chainlink fence rattles as the animal attacks it, nearly driven insane in its excited state.

Her wrists are numb, bloodied and stained orange with the rust from the chains. She can barely keep her eyes open, her head slumping to the side. She's looking at the wall in front of her, but not focusing on anything at all.

The fence rattles frantically behind her, as if the dog is biting and tearing at the metal in desperation to get to them.

The bright light of the laptop screen is an assault on her vision, making her recoil back until her behind is sitting flat on the ground. She blinks slowly, attempting to keep herself conscious. The almost neon green series of numbers, letters, and dashes is painful to look at; it means Mat gave them his code.

There's a series of high pitched growls the dog lets out as it shakes the metal it grabbed onto in between its jaws.

Her chin wobbles unsteadily, a tiny, desperate noise clawing itself from her throat. She looks over at Mat, silently begging him to tell her not to do this. She can't do this.

He doesn't scream at her, doesn't shake his head. He doesn't even give her a warning glance.

He just looks over to her solemnly.

The whole of the chainlink shakes as the dog releases it, snarling with frustration.

JJ's breath hiccups, her shoulders slumped with defeat.

There's no hope.

There's no fighting.

There's nothing left.

Except maybe...

An odd sense of calm washes over her, though she fights like hell to keep it from showing on her face, in her body language. She bites on her lower lip, lifting her hands to the keyboard, and types a code that she knows will be accepted.

She wants it to.

She can only hope with everything in her that the one person in the whole entire world that she knows will understand can see it too.

She lets out a breath she hadn't even known she had been holding as one of the men takes the laptop from her. She waits on baited breath, staring straight ahead as he messes on the device.

"It works."

"Good," Hastings finally says. "Let's get what we need and go."

JJ closes her eyes, heart racing in anticipation. For the first time since her abduction, she's able to tune out the dog's barking.

"What about them?" Askari asks, voice full of distain. "Leave them here?"

"No," Hastings responds in exasperation, coming to stand directly behind her.

JJ freezes when she hears the click of a gun's safety being disabled, realizing the barrel is pointed directly at the back of her head.

"No!" Mat shouts.

"Sorry, agent," Hastings sneers at her, voice directly by her ear. "It's really nothing personal. But you've given me everything I needed."

Her nails dig into her palms, a thin sheet of sweat beginning to cover her body.

Please hurry.

"I hope you understand that I don't need you anymore."

The warehouse falls into complete darkness in an instant, the backup generator kicking on moments later. The light above them casts a sickly yellow glow around the room, showcasing the confusion on their captors' faces.

She came, JJ thinks in disbelief. She came.

Hastings must realize what's going on only moments after JJ does, his expression hardened. "Move out!" he yells to his men. "Take out anyone trying to get in."

He turns to her in fury, jaw clenched with annoyance. He drops his arm, grabbing the hard drive from the laptop with his freehand.

"Take care of them," he commands Askari. "This is more important," he insists, waving the drive in the air before disappearing from the room.

The sound of gunshots echo throughout the place, drowning out all other noise in the building. JJ weeps, this time out of sheer astonishment.

Her team came.

Emily came to save her.

Askari turns to JJ and Mat, fuming. "Fuck this," he seethes, unsheathing a knife from his back. "I'm doing it my way." He takes a step towards Mat, thrusting his arm back to drive the blade deep into the man's abdomen.

"No!" JJ gasps. "Don't!"

The door to the room bursts open, and a second later, Askari drops to the ground, dead. Blood trickles from his head, his arm still outstretched towards Mat.

"Hastings! You need to get Hastings!" Mat gasps frantically, hissing in pain and bringing a hand to cover the ripped flesh of his calf.

Hotch, still poised with his gun up from delivering the fatal blow on Askari, presses his lips in a firm line at the state of the two. He tucks his gun away after a quick room sweep, kneeling down to free Mat of his restraints. His head tilts as he calls for medics into his mic on his vest, before he replaces Mat's hands with his own.

"Blake got him," he finally says, looking at JJ when he tells them.

JJ only has eyes for the person who came in behind the unit chief.

"Emily," she cries, soft sobs wracking her whole frame as the brunette tucks her gun in its holster and kneels on the ground beside the blonde.

"Shh," Emily coos soothingly, running her fingers tentatively through JJ's hair. "I know. I know."

"I knew you'd come. I just knew you would," JJ sobs, moving closer to the warmth Emily's body provides. Her hands shift on the older woman's thigh, relief spreading throughout her entire being at the feeling of Emily's fingers lacing through her own. She closes her eyes, reminding herself over and over that Emily's real.

Emily's here.

Emily holds her as if she's afraid to let go, doesn't treat her like she's fragile and that every part of her body is so hurt and in pain. JJ's never been more grateful for it. It solidifies for her that this is real and not another hallucination.

Emily's saved her.

Emily's breath is so warm when she leans down, presses a kiss so light, so gentle JJ barely feels it against her forehead. "You did it," she whispers on the blonde's skin. "You told me where you were."

JJ closes her eyes, her whole body shaking with the force of her sobs. "I knew you would understand. I knew they'd call you. I knew you'd find me."

Her blackbird saved her.

Chapter Text

JJ is fine.

Her knee is bouncing rapidly and her fingers are white knuckled as she grips onto the latest victim's file, trying desperately to take in the information that would lead the team closer to catching the unsub.

She's fine.

Even though she's holed herself up in the very back of the precinct away from the prying eyes of the locals and the rest of her team. Especially her team, who she can't stand to look at for more than a few seconds today. 

She's fine.

It's been a year, a full year, since her abduction and torture. One year since she was nearly killed for critical missile launch codes that would have been used against the country. One year since she was saved from that awful warehouse after nearly thirty eight hours of straight torment and abuse.

She's fine.

Even if she made that remark about her ordeal on the jet with an air of lightheartedness, giving a simple shrug of her shoulders as if it wasn't a big deal. She even laughed a little about it. She had said it to Kate, but found herself addressing everyone else on the jet instead. She needs them to believe she's okay, has to convince them for her own sanity.

She can't stand the worried looks Derek and Rossi were throwing her way, how cautious Hotch had been with her in the days leading up to the anniversary of her attack. Spencer's been following her closely like a lost puppy for weeks now, as if he was waiting to be there for her when she inevitably breaks.

It's like they don't see her for who she is now—a strong willed individual that's more than what she's been through, a phenomenal profiler that's really come into her own, and a woman that's been hardened by the trauma she's been put through. Someone that can handle every day just fine on her own despite her fears.

No.

Whenever she had met their gaze the past weeks, it's like they see her as the person she was years ago. They see her as the person that had nearly gone into shock over killing an unsub. They see that girl that had nearly shot Derek and Emily all those years ago in that barn. They see her as someone to be pitied. Someone that's going to break.

She even finds herself sitting with a clenched jaw every time Penelope's name pops up on her phone's screen. She knows her friend makes an extremely cautious effort with her when it comes to her trauma and what she was put through. But JJ swears it's driving her insane to hear Penelope talk to her like she's walking on eggshells.

She can't stand it.

She wants to avoid the rest of the team as much as she can, help out on her own without interacting much with any of them. She knows it's only going to take something small before she does something stupid, like scream at them or cry.

She wants to help so badly, though this precinct isn't making things easy on her. It's absolutely filled with canine officers, cadaver teams with dogs to help aid the team in finding more bodies. The sounds of their whimpers and barks has her tensed in her seat, a thin sheen of sweat covering the back of her neck.

She can't really focus on the words on the paper in her hands, not when she's too focused a German Shepherd just outside the room, hoping with everything in her that it stays out of the room. She's forcing herself to stare at the paper in her hands, but finds her gaze locked on the tan and black dog more often than not.

Her heart sinks any time Kate or Spencer, who stayed back with her while the others work the field, walk past those dogs. She's twitched a few times in her seat, ready to throw herself in front of them even though the most the dogs do is give the youngest members on the team a curious sniff.

If her mind wonders too much, her anxiety peaks at the thought of the rest of the guys out of her line of sight. Her throat feels dry at the thought of Rossi, Hotch and Derek out there in the middle of the woods with a half dozen of the animals. The only thought her brain can muster is that she hopes they come back in one piece.

But she's fine. Really.

At least Penelope's safe back in Quantico, surrounded by the high tech equipment rather than dozens of dogs. Dogs that were built and trained to attack on command. Dogs that, if left to their own devices, if their handler could no longer control them, could rip someone apart in under an hour...

She starts ever so slightly at the sudden, bright aroma of lavender that floods the room. She peers just up and over the file in her hand to see Kate walking into the room with two mugs of tea (she can see the tags dangling over the lip of the eggshell ceramic).

It's involuntary, but JJ's eyes flick just behind the brunette's head to see if she can spot Spencer nearby. When she doesn't see the lanky genius trailing behind Kate, her heart sinks. The rest of the team seemed to be sticking in pairs, or in small groups, throughout the entire case. It's mostly because this unsub is highly unpredictable in victimology, taking any one person that's been left alone. It certainly helps ebb some of JJ's anxiety that they're paired up and have been for the past 98 hours.

If Kate was here...

Kate picks up on JJ's distress immediately, stopping briefly in the doorway. "Morgan came and took Reid with him to try and interview the latest vic's family again," she says softly, an attempt at placating blonde's worries.

JJ should be annoyed at her for it. She should be pissed that Kate is doing the one thing she hates the others for doing, but can't find it in herself.

She's not sure if it's because Kate never saw JJ for who she was years ago, only knows her as the person she is now. She can excuse the brunette's sympathy more easily, brush off her concerns in ways she can't stand anyone else's. Kate's concerns are just that.

She knows it runs deeper, though.

JJ can't find it in herself to be mad at Kate because, out of everyone else, she's the only one that understands.

The guys pretend they don't notice, or even really pay attention, but the brunette goes through great lengths to hide her phobia of flying. JJ's not so easily fooled— she knows what it's like to hide that kind of fear.

Kate's always the first one to show up to the airstrip on cases. While it seems she's just wanting to make a good impression, everyone knows she spends a good hour or better before take off, checking to make sure the safety equipment is functioning in case something goes awry.

Her fingers always tremble, even before the jet takes off. She never leaves her seat and always has her window shut. She never sleeps on the jet, no matter how tired she is. She never takes the couch, and always places herself in the seat closest to the cockpit.

On the jet, she's either always talking to someone to distract herself, which Spencer is more than happy to indulge her in more often than not. Other times, Kate just sits in cautious silence, tense as if ready to run, fingers curled around her arm rests, pupils blown wide in fear.

JJ recalls a few months ago where Kate had just sat in a near catatonic state the entire flight that no one could break her from until the jet had landed.

A dog barks from outside the room, breaking JJ from her thoughts. Her head snaps towards the door, her knee colliding with the underside of the table as she stands and attempts to make a move towards Kate. The adrenaline coursing through her veins masks the pain, her only thought to put herself between the younger woman and the perceived danger.

Kate winces, looking almost apologetic as she bumps the door closed with her hip. She sets a mug of tea in front of the blonde before slowly sinking down into the chair across from the other woman.

JJ takes the mug just as carefully, unable to look at the brunette, cheeks flushed in shame at her reaction. She needs to snap out of it. She's fine.

Her hands clasp the mug securely, holding it close and trying to let the lavender soothe her nerves. Her knee bounces rapidly despite her best efforts to keep it still, her heart still hammering inside of her chest.

"Can I ask you a stupid question?" Kate suddenly asks, focusing her gaze on the evidence board across the room.

JJ blinks at her mug of tea, her knee momentarily halting its movements. Her shoulders tense and the little hairs on the back of her neck bristle at the brunette's words. Still, she remains quiet.

Kate's gaze flits to the hand written notes posted on the table, tacked to the board, important bits of vocal evidence that was jotted down by Derek because his handwriting is the most legible in a rush. "You don't have to tell me anything, I swear."

JJ stares at her mug, the sharp "no" she had been biting back since Kate starting talking dying off. Her body betrays her feigned annoyance, shoulders trembling ever so slightly and stomach clenched with the effort of keeping everything bottled in.

She's fine.

She's fine.

She's fine.

Kate's eyes move to the map just a few feet to the right behind the blonde, flicking over the various colored tacks stuck to the paper. "Because of all people, I'm not sure why you would ever bother to tell me, and that's fine..."

I'm fine, JJ wants to interrupt, but unsure if that statement would be said aloud more for herself of the younger woman across from her.

"But, I'm going to ask anyway." Finally, her eyes land on JJ, gaze soft, gentle and full of nothing but concern. "Are you okay?"

Stupidly, JJ's eyes begin to burn with unshed tears, her throat sore with tension from choking back sobs. She refuses to glance up, to look up and meet Kate's eyes in fear she's going to spiral and spill everything.

How much this day is getting to her...

How much her trauma is getting to her...

How much those dogs just a few feet away absolutely terrify her, how there's just so many and it's just too much...

How much she feels she's in over her head because, each second they spend not finding this unsub is just another second these women are tortured, trapped much like she was and suffering with death as their only escape, their only hope...

How she feels like a rubber band pulled taut and ready to snap at everyone that cares about her because she's losing it and they know...

And how the one person that she truly wants is a whole ocean's length away in London, finishing up an important task for Interpol.

JJ misses Emily.

A lot.

She wishes the older woman were here because Emily doesn't ask questions, just knows what the blonde needs when she's like this. Emily doesn't look at her like she's something to be pitied. Emily's always just been there during these moments. She's always just understood.

Instead of saying all of that, instead of snapping and pushing Kate away like she's been doing with everyone else, JJ takes a long drink from her mug. The hot liquid soothes her throat, scalds her tears away long enough for her to murmur, "I'm fine," and make it sound convincing without her voice cracking. She sets down her mug, forces herself to look Kate in the eyes and repeats with a little more conviction, "I'm fine."

The sharp ring of a cellphone goes off, cutting through the tension like a knife. Kate starts slightly at the noise, fumbling with the device a bit before glancing at the screen. Her eyes flick back towards JJ, before sliding the arrow on her screen to answer the call.

JJ's never been more grateful for the distraction.

"Garcia, you got me and JJ here on speaker," Kate says as she sets the phone back on the table. Her eyebrows furrow slightly in frustration as she focuses back on the case at hand. "Please tell me you got something for us."

Penelope clicks her tongue affectionately. "Your faith in my abilities hasn't waned, has it, kitty cat?"

Kate can't help the small smile that spreads on her face. "Aw, come on, you know me better than that. I'd never doubt your abilities."

"I just wanted to hear you say it," Penelope chirps happily.

"Garcia..." JJ interrupts.

"Right! So I cross checked that list Morgan sent earlier with our potential suspect pool..."

"And?" Kate prompts, rising out of her seat slightly in anticipation.

"Nothing," Penelope replies glumly. "However, I ran that list through a completely different database, crossed a few T's, dotted a few I's and..." Her fingers clack furiously against her keyboard in the receiver.

Both JJ and Kate's tablets beep, notifying them both that Penelope had just sent a file their way. JJ reaches for her own device, swiping up on the screen to reveal a mugshot of a greasy haired, middle aged man.

"I'll take "Creep of the Hour" for a thousand, Alex," Garcia says smugly. "Meet Norman Whebber: 56, never married, total loner, isolated from his remaining relatives—"

"With a rap sheet that stretches on for miles," Kate whistles as she scrolls down her tablet, lips tugging down as she frowns. "Battery, armed robbery, break-ins..." Her expression hardens before she looks up at JJ. "Multiple assault charges."

JJ's jaw clenches as she reads through the charges, feeling bile in the back of her throat. Though almost Whebber fits the profile, there's still one thing that's missing...

"He lives just downtown in an apartment complex. Not nearly enough room to keep victims locked up without people noticing," JJ points out.

The two women's tablets beep with another incoming file.

"Abandoned farm property in the middle of a twenty square mile patch of forest left behind by his late aunt," Garcia supplies as the two pull up the map.

JJ fights to keep herself composed at the location, at the memories it conjures up. At the thought of going back out into the woods late at night with a bunch of dogs to an empty, decrepit barn.

"This has gotta be our guy, JJ," Kate speaks up, setting her tablet down briefly to look up at the blonde.

JJ blinks hard, forcing herself to calm down. "Right," she agrees quietly, voice thick with emotion. She clears her throat quickly, shaking her head. "Thanks, Garcia," she speaks up. She glances over at Kate, ignoring the way the brunette's eyes are alight with concern. "Call Hotch and Rossi back here and update them on Whebber. We'll need to get moving as soon as they get back."

She squares her shoulders in anticipation, smoothing her damp palms down the length of her pants. "I'll go fetch Morgan and Reid," she concludes.

"I can get—"

"I'm fine, Kate," JJ replies firmly, turning on her heel towards the door. She briefly hesitates, hand on the knob. She sucks in a small, sharp breath to quell her nausea and dizziness, before throwing open the door and sauntering out past the German Shepherd standing just past the threshold.

[She manages to tell Morgan and Reid about Garcia's findings before she has to excuse herself to the restroom, where she sticks her trembling fingers under the freezing, cold water to keep her composure instead of breaking down in heavy sobs. By the time she leaves the bathroom, the rest of the team has gathered at the precinct, pulling their bulletproof vests tight against their chests.

No one comments on JJ's absence, and she doesn't look at anyone as she straps her own vest on.]

The woods smell of damp earth and moss, dark evergreen in the quickly fading daylight. Sweat collects on her upper brow in the humidity, her tongue slightly dry from her breathing. She looks over a few yards to check to make sure Kate is still nearby, that she hasn't gone off by herself. Despite the tension JJ feels, her shoulders sag ever so slightly in relief when she catches a glimpse of the brunette between the trees.

The blonde focuses her gaze back in front of herself, her feet taking her straight forward deeper into the greenery, closer and closer to the abandoned barn. She forces herself to focus on their unsub, and not the fact that she's not paired with Spencer, and therefore, can't keep an eye on him.

Morgan is with Reid, she has to tell herself, Morgan won't let Reid go off on his own.

Whebber, She thinks, trying her best to tune out the sharp, yipping barks of the dogs, coming from all angles.

The back of her shirt feels damp with perspiration, her breathing more shallow. The grip she has on her pistol tightens, her jaw aching from the pressure she's clenching it with.

Rebecca Salcomb, the last person to have been taken by Whebber.

Her boots dig into the ground as she scurries forward, careful not to step on fallen branches or sharp, uneven rocks. More and more green is the only thing that she sees in front of her.

Whebber.

Rebecca.

A piercing, yelping bark makes her flinch, her eyes wide in caution. It's so near, so close that it makes her fingers tremble. Her knuckles turn white as she grips the handle of her firearm, pivoting on the ball of her foot.

Whebber.

Rebecca...

Where did Kate go?

The last thought makes JJ nearly skid to a stop,  her breathing more erratic. Her head flicks to her left, heart sinking when she doesn't  spot the other woman in the tree line. Her mouth goes dry, a sharp, quiet call of, "Callahan!", stuck in her throat.

No, no, no.

JJ inhales quickly, spastically, spinning around to another bark. Her blood turns to ice, heart pounding in her ears. Static crackles in her ear piece, Hotch's voice garbled and completely incomprehensible to her.

Where did Kate go?

She takes a step away from the barking, but it seems like it's coming from all around her. The trees suddenly feel so constricting, so suffocating and inescapable. She backs away until her back hits a solid object: a massive oak tree. She slinks against it, biting her inner cheek to contain her gasps.

Why was her side hurting so much?

She drops her firearm beside her, bringing her fingers to her head and gripping her hair tightly.

She's fine.

She's fine.

She's fine.

I'm fine.

Her throat, fingers, and side hurt so bad, that all she wants to do is scream. She squeezes her eyes shut tightly to block out the spinning greenery, the smell of her skin burning, the sounds of Mat's screams when the dog...

JJ?

"JJ?"

"JJ?"

JJ gasps at the voice, her eyes flying open.

Kate stands only a few feet away, arm extended placatingly.

The two women stare at each other silently, even with the sounds of dogs, tactical units, and sirens blaring in the distance.

JJ wants to be absolutely furious, to scream at Kate, to demand to know where the hell she was, and how stupid it was for her to be by herself, even if it was only for a minute or so, and what would of happened to her if those dogs got a hold of her?

"They got Whebber. And Rebecca. She's okay."
Kate says quietly, as if not to startle the blonde. Her expression is guilty, apologetic, and so full of pity that JJ can't stand it.

She drops her gaze to the ground, bending down to retrieve her gun. She inhales sharply, tucking the gun back in her holster with a stiff nod.

"Good," she mutters tiredly, pushing herself from the tree and stalking back the way she came.

The day is finally starting to catch up with her. She feels so drained physically, mentally and emotionally that she can't find it in herself to even be mad at the brunette.

She just wants to go back to the hotel and sleep.

She stuffs herself in the back of a random SUV, throwing her vest to the other seat so no one else can climb in beside her. She stares out the window as Spencer and Kate both get in the front, silence filling both the car ride back to the precinct and the ride to the hotel.

It's only broken once by Kate gently nudging Spencer's side with her elbow.

"Mind having a roomie tonight?" the brunette asks quietly.

JJ can feel Spencer's gaze on her in the rear view mirror, tensing under the intensity behind it despite not daring to meet his eyes.

He blinks, turning to give Kate a polite, easy smile. "Sure thing."

JJ's never been so relieved, so grateful in her entire life.

She's allowed herself to be way too vulnerable in front of the younger woman today, won't allow herself to be anymore. She doesn't know if she can hold herself together any longer. As soon as she's behind closed doors, she'll lose it, and she's glad Kate understands.

Her shoulders sag, and any anger she's felt towards Kate dissipates at the gesture.

She trudges herself up to her hotel room, waving the key in front of the card reader with unsteady fingers. The tears, the screams, the anger she had been holding back all day threaten to spill out before the door closes behind her.

She stiffens at the sight of a black silhouette sitting on the bed, biting her lip to contain the first sob. She stares, unblinking and still, until the figure stands.

A small, choked noise escapes JJ's throat.

The figure springs into action, taking three steps across the room to bring JJ into her arms.

"Shh, I've got you," Emily whispers into the blonde's hair.

As the first tear slides down JJ's cheek, she brings her hands over her mouth to muffle the sounds she makes. She doesn't even question how Emily's here, or how she got here so quickly.

All that matters is that Emily's here.

"Hey, hey," Emily coos, fingers gliding slowly through blonde locks. "I'm here. I'm here, mon chou," she whispers, gently tugging JJ's hands down from her mouth. "It's okay. Let it out. I've got you."

JJ buries her face in the crook of Emily's neck, squeezing her elbows tightly, and finally allows herself to lose it.

Chapter Text

There’s not a whole lot JJ regrets in her life. Not really anyways.

She regrets not seeing the signs in Ros sooner, regrets not talking to her and maybe then she would still be…

She regrets not sticking with Reid on Hankel’s farm, she regrets letting him out of her sight for even a split second. 

She regrets pretending like his dilaudid addiction wasn’t as serious as it really was. She regrets not pushing harder to get him help, for letting him deal with it all on his own.

She regrets Afghanistan. Every. Single. Day.

She regrets those moments with everything inside of her that it sometimes still weighs on her and coils her gut tightly with guilt until she shoves it all back down and hopes she never has to deal with it ever again.

[She does, and, she will. And the cycle will repeat over and over again like some mad clock.]

But there’s far more that JJ doesn’t regret.

She doesn’t regret leaving East Allegheny as soon as she was able to, for scattering out of there as fast as she could and never looking back. She doesn’t regret that it’s been nearly 20 years since she’s been back, and she has no intentions of going back there ever.

She doesn’t regret taking the profiler test, for bettering herself in the BAU by ditching behind  her liaison duties and ranking up. The job was more grueling and challenging, with more field work and, therefore, more danger involved. 

There was less paperwork to deal with, though.

She doesn’t regret Will, hasn’t even let the thought ever cross her mind because, even if they weren’t, they weren’t healthy and he didn’t understand her, he still gave her Henry. 

Henry, who JJ loves with every ounce of her being. He’s the reason she does what she does. She wants to make the world a better place, a safer place, for Henry. 

Henry, her sweet little boy that seemed to grow up faster every time she blinks. He’s 8 now, long blonde hair and cerulean blue eyes, with a vast curiosity about the world. He has a certain innocence to him still, where he knows some bad things happen in the world, but doesn’t quite understand the depths of the horrors that are out there.

That’s why JJ stays at the BAU, even if it means her limited time with her son are even more limited by her job. She still stays because she wants to do anything and everything to protect Henry from the truly despicable and depravity acts of humanity.

Henry, who had influenced JJ so much during the last case the team had worked on.

Henry, who liked superheroes and comic books and action figures, just like the little boy, Roberto, from the most recent case the BAU had worked on. 

Roberto, who she had saved first from the blaze because he reminded her so much of Henry, all while his sister, Francesca, had screamed at JJ for her help. Francesca, who JJ had not been able to save in time and had to helplessly watch as the room, and eventually, Francesca, had been entirely engulfed in flames.

She regrets not being strong enough to break from Luke’s hold, for screaming and squirming like a defenseless animal as Francesca, a young teenager, screamed and screamed and screamed…

Needless to say, JJ really just needed time with Henry after this case. And Emily, ever so patient and understanding Emily, had given her a few days of vacation time without question.

Henry carries a soccer ball in his hands, occasionally dropping it towards the ground before using his ankle to kick the ball up in the air and into his awaiting grasp once more as he walks beside her to the park.

There’s a part of her that wants to gently chastise him, to tell him to wait until they’re off the trail and away from foot traffic so he can kick around the ball properly. But the bigger part of her wants to let him do what he wants, to let him simply just exist and be a kid, especially when he’s not hurting anyone and just having fun.

Besides, JJ’s confident in her own reflexes that she can catch the ball shall it stray too far in any direction, or scoop up Henry if he stumbles. She just keeps an eye on him, smiling warmly as Henry talks animatedly about an upcoming project in art that he’s excited about. 

Her heart swells with joy as his eyes shine, his smile is wide, and energy ever so infectious that all her worries, all of her regrets, roll off her shoulders and turn to dust.

For the time being, at least.

“—We’re going to use a pottery wheel! Like a real life one!” Henry chatters, dropping the ball towards the ground once more. The side of his foot connects with the ball, sending it slightly off towards the right.

JJ’s arms shoot out and grab it before it has the chance to swerve into anyone else’s direction. She ruffles Henry’s hair playfully, gently giving him back the ball. “A real life one, huh?”

Henry nods, his ponytail bouncing with the movement. “Uh-huh!”

“What are you guys making?” JJ asks, guiding him carefully off the path towards an empty grassy patch.

Henry tosses the ball lightly in the air, attempting to hit the ball from one knee to the next. He makes a small noise of exasperation when only one knee makes contact, sending the ball rolling further into the grass. “If I told you, it won’t be a surprise!”

JJ lightly laughs, jogging forward and stopping the ball with her foot before it rolls towards a family having a picnic. Carefully, she uses the side of her foot to pass the ball back to Henry, who intercepts the ball before dribbling it around between his feet. “Oh, right.”

Henry kicks the ball back towards her, attention focused on the action before he perks up. “I wanna make you and dad a mug,” he admits softly. “Aunt Penelope and Uncle Spence, too.” He frowns in concentration, watching her as she scotches the ball around with her foot before using the top of her sneaker to gently toss it back to him.

He uses his chest to bump the ball back on the ground, mirroring JJ’s action and tossing the ball up in the air. He catches it with a wide grin and laughing in delight when she cheers him on. He tucks the ball under his arm briefly, tilting his head to look at her. “Mom, do you think Emily will like if I make her a mug, too?”

JJ places her hands comfortably on her hips, fond smile spreading on her face at the way Henry mentions Emily, as if he’s integrated her into their small, unconventional family unit with ease. “I think she’ll love that, buddy.”

“Really?”

“Really, really,” JJ swears.

Henry gives her a grin. “I’ll make her one, too, then!” he declares, tossing the ball toward her.

“Whoa!” JJ exclaims, using her shoulder to block the ball from going too far, bouncing it from knee to knee before swinging her ankle up and around to get her foot under the ball before bringing everything to the ground.

“How did you do that?” Henry asks in awe, staring at his mother in shock.

JJ bends down to grab the ball. “Years of practice,” she says with a light chuckle. 

“Can you teach me to do that?”

“You wanna?” JJ asks teasingly, laughing again when Henry shouts an excited, “Yeah!” in response. Shaking her head playfully, she grins over at her son. “Okay, alright. First, you have to—“

A bark in the near vicinity has her bristling, her posture more straight and stiff. She moves back and in front of Henry out of instinct, gently placing a hand on his shoulder as she scans their surroundings. 

Further away at the other end of the grassy patch is a large dog roaming around off leash. The owner, whose nearby, scrolls on their phone, not paying attention as their dog aimlessly walks up to strangers.

JJ’s grip on Henry’s shoulders tighten slightly, her heart rate increasing as her eyes follow the canine. The hand holding the soccer ball trembles, nearly sending the ball cascading to the ground again.

A small tug on her shirt snaps her back go focus, her gaze trailing to her son. She fights to keep her composure in front of him, to keep herself from scooping him up and getting both of them the hell away before the dog comes anywhere near them.

Henry tugs on her shirt again. “Momma… momma it’s okay,” he says quietly, looking up at her with wide eyes. “I don’t need to know the trick. We can go.”

Throat constricting around her tears, JJ swallows hard. Henry hardly uses “momma” anymore unless he’s scared, or notices she’s upset. Her heart shatters for her son, for being so pathetic that the very sight of a dog is enough to send her into a spiral. For not being brave enough to stay in the park and teach her son some silly little trick with a soccer ball because she’s scared of what the dog is capable of doing to him.

Blinking rapidly to ward off her tears, JJ clears her throat and forces a smile down at Henry, who just stares worriedly back up at her. 

“You wanna get ice cream?” she asks in a weak attempt to reconcile their trip to the park she ruined in a matter of seconds.

Henry’s face brightens slightly at this. “Ice cream?” he parrots.

Forcing another smile, JJ tucks the soccer ball under her arm and gently grabs a hold of Henry’s hand before guiding him back the way they came. “Yeah, ice cream. Your pick. We’ll call Emily and have her meet us there instead.”

Henry smiles at this, nodding in agreement. “Okay!” he nods excitedly, holding his freehand up towards her. “Can I call her?”

JJ reaches into her pocket, typing in her passcode and scrolling through her contacts until she finds Emily’s. “Sure thing, buddy,” she agrees softly, handing the phone over to her son. Henry’s voice is muffled in her ears as he tells Emily about their plans for ice cream and where to meet them

Her shoulders don’t relax until the barking of the dog fades in the mass of people’s voices as the two walk further out of the park.

Henry picks his favorite ice cream shop that’s located just up the road, a local joint that allows customers to pick the toppings they want in their ice cream that they mix in. 

JJ doesn’t say anything when Henry excitedly chooses three toppings for his own ice cream, quietly ordering one for herself and one for Emily to go. She forces herself to bottle down her guilt and swallow her pride for the time being, allowing herself to enjoy this moment with her son as he chatters away about his friends at school.

The park isn’t brought up again. 

The sight of Emily’s car pulling into the ice cream shop’s parking lot brings a sense of ease to JJ that she hasn’t felt since leaving the park. The small gasp that leaves Henry when he spots Emily soothes her regrets instantly. A smile forms on her lips when he sons stands quickly from his seat, flinging himself at the brunette with an excited exclamation of her name.

“We got you ice cream!” Henry tells her proudly, gesturing back towards JJ and the table with a toothy smile.

“You did?” Emily exclaims with an exaggerated gasp, smiling over at JJ warmly. She gives Henry’s shoulders a caring squeeze, planting a kiss on top of his head. “Thanks, kiddo!” 

“Come on,” Henry demands, pulling on Emily’s wrist until she follows with a small stumble and a surprised laugh.

“Henry, slow down!” JJ chides gently with a light gasp, reaching out and grasping Emily’s hips lightly before she crashes into the table. Her serious demeanor is snuffed instantly as soon as the brunette bends down and greets her with a small kiss. She blinks, a smile spreading on her face. “Hi,” she murmurs quietly.

“Hi,” Emily smiles back at her, unable to stop herself from sneaking in another kiss that she only breaks when Henry grumbles in disgust beside her. She laughs, sitting herself down in one of the spare seats at the table, arm thrown around the back of JJ’s chair casually. Her eyes brighten at the sight of her ice cream, reaching for her spoon. “All right, cotton candy and M&M’s, my favorite!”

Henry plants himself back in his chair, taking another spoonful of his own ice cream. He wrinkles his nose slightly. “I don’t think that sounds good, Emily.”

She takes the spoon from her mouth, pointing it at him with a raised eyebrow. “Hey! I’ll have you know it is delicious, Henry! Don’t knock it til you try it, kiddo.”

He peers around to look wearily at her ice cream, shaking his head as he sinks back into his chair. “No, thanks. I’ll pass,” he says, taking another bite of his own ice cream.

JJ smiles fondly, watching the two interact. She’s glad Henry’s accepted Emily so easily into her life, and, by extension, his life as well. He’s always had such a great relationship with the older woman, respecting her and treating her as if she were a third godparent to him. 

And Emily had always treated Henry like a guardian, volunteering to watch him early on in his life whenever Spencer or Penelope weren’t able to, helping him with his introductory French vocabulary and showing up to whatever events she could. She always asked JJ about him whenever they had their weekly calls while Emily was stationed for a brief time in London. She understood that, whenever they had become official, Henry would always be JJ’s number one priority, and, in turn, wanted to be a major part of his life as well while respecting both JJ and Will’s authority as his parents.

“So, what are you two up to today?” Emily asks, breaking JJ from her thoughts.

JJ’s eyes cast downwards, a small, minuscule frown forming on her face as the events from earlier played back in her head.

Slender fingers gently coil around her shoulder, causing the blonde to glance up at over at Emily. Her expression is neutral, but a small raise of her eyebrows says what she won’t voice out loud, I saw and know that look. We’ll talk later, before her hand slides down to engulf one of JJ’s own.

“Hmm,” Henry frowns, thinking. “I don’t know.”

Sighing softly in thought, Emily hums. A small, hesitant squeeze of JJ’s fingers, asks if she can offer a suggestion. The more firm squeeze JJ gives back gives permission.

“How about we go to the zoo and then we can get dinner from a food truck on the National Mall?” Emily offers, glancing over at JJ to gauge her reaction.

Henry gasps in surprise. “Really?”

JJ straightens in her seat, looking at Henry. “What do you think, buddy? Your pick for dinner, too?”

Henry pumps his fist up in the air with an excited hiss. “Yes!”

Hours later, Henry is slumped in the backseat of Emily’s car, sufficiently tired from walking around the National Zoo all day and from the street tacos they had consumed just twenty minutes ago. His soccer ball is set down between his feet on the floor, trapped just beneath the edge of the bottom of the seat so it doesn’t roll around as Emily drives them home.

JJ glances at him in the rear view mirror, lips tugging down. Although he had fun today, there’s still a part of her that hates that she’s ruined his time at the park. She hates that her phobia affects her this much, that she lets it ruin simple things like going to the park for her, for him.

She regrets not doing something about it sooner, about waiting to get help for her fears and letting them consume her like this.

She leans her head across the middle console, sighing long and hard before tucking her lip between her teeth. Her forehead gently connects with Emily’s shoulder, another shuddering breath escaping her mouth. 

“Em, I think I need to see someone and get some help,” she whispers into the fabric of the brunette’s shirt. Her voice is timid, unsure, as if voicing that she needs help is her at her all time low. 

Instead of chastising her, or making her feel small or cowardly for voicing that she needs help, Emily presses a firm kiss on the top of JJ’s head. “I think you should,” she encourages gently. “You’re really brave for admitting you need help.”

Blinking back tears, JJ whispers back, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Emily swears quietly. “I’m so proud of you, JJ. I think you’re the bravest person I know.” 

Chapter Text

Goodbyes are always hard.

Goodbyes spark unpredictability for the future, for whats to come, for how to move on.

This party Rossi is hosting for Penelope is one of the easiest goodbyes JJ’s ever done.

She knows Penelope needs to step back from this job for her own mental health and well being. She’s been struggling for the past few years, the weight of their very heavy jobs pressing down on her delicate shoulders and suffocating her until she’s decided it was enough. She’s had enough and she’s done.

She had just finished out her last day of her two week notice, and already everyone can tell an improvement in the young blonde. There’s a spark in her eyes that everyone had thought was long snuffed out, her smiles a little easier, her laughs more genuine.

There’s tears, of course, because it’s always sad when someone leaves. Usually, the team knows they won’t come back, or hear from them again.

[Except Derek Morgan, who sends updates and pictures of himself, or Savannah and Hank, in the unofficial group chat.]

Penelope lives in the area, has already made plans and promises to catch a film with Spencer, and host a girl’s night whenever possible, and offer to take the Simmons family out to the park. 

Everyone knows these promises will be kept and followed through because its just the type of person Penelope is. She makes the team feel and function like a family, and no one has any doubts that she’s going to give that up.

So how could JJ possibly be upset? 

Penelope’s doing what’s best for her. 

JJ smiles across the yard at Penelope, who is being lead around by Luke in a fast paced dance. Both of them are smiling wide, Penelope’s head tossed back as she laughs whole heartedly at something he says. 

At their feet, expertly dodging their quick footwork, is Roxy, Luke’s service dog. He’s needed her more these past few years, having to take her nearly everywhere he goes just in case. She only stays behind when he’s in the field, only because she’s not a field certified canine.

JJ’s eyes briefly glance at the dog, but her posture remains relaxed and calm. 

Years of bi-weekly therapy sessions combined with her anxiety meds have done wonders for her phobia. She’s able to be around most dogs without fear, though a certain tension lingers deep down around others. She’s still a bit wary about them around Henry, or Emily, but she’s trying.

Her therapist reassured her that it’s normal, especially given her past with the animals.

A familiar hand at the small of her back snaps her from her head, turning to give Emily a warm smile. “Hey,” she whispers, leaning back into the older woman.

“Hi,” Emily whispers back, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. She peers over at Penelope and Luke from over the blonde’s head with a smirk. “You see that?”

JJ follows the brunette’s gaze with a grin, shaking her head in mock disappointment. “About time, right?”

Emily’s chest rumbles against the blonde’s back as she laughs. “What’s it been, like, three years?” she adds in amusement.

“We don’t exactly have room to talk,” JJ chuckles, nudging Emily with her elbow. 

The unit chief scrunches her nose in mock annoyance. “Yeah, yeah,” she grumbles.

Henry’s laugh draws their attention across the yard as the eleven year old runs by to avoid being captured by Spencer. He runs by Penelope and Luke, stepping quickly around Roxy.

JJ’s shoulders tense slightly at the scene, but not much more. She centers herself with a deep, calming breath, eyes trailing after her son as he darts around.

Emily’s hand gently squeezes her shoulder. “You okay?” she asks quietly, thumb rubbing the blonde’s shoulder blade in tight, soothing circles.

JJ looks over her shoulder at the brunette, giving her a reassuring smile and a nod. “Yeah,” she replies back quietly. She brings up her own hand to cart it through Emily’s graying locks. Their foreheads bump together softly, JJ closing her eyes in bliss.

“I’m okay.”