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“Ellie…” Joel’s voice was still a bit raspy, his eyes big and sad like a fucking sick puppy as they looked at her over the crackling fire, “You need to eat something.”
The very thought of food, of meat, made her want to vomit, made her huddle further into Joel’s coat with a shudder, clutching it like a security blanket. She hadn’t let it go since killing David, taking what comfort she could from Joel’s woodsy scent surrounding her, a physical reminder that he had found her, that he had taken her away from that place. That he was okay, warm and safe and alive within arm’s reach, not dead on a shitty mattress with a cannibal’s bullet in his head.
Joel looked disappointed at her silent refusal, worry clear on his face, but he didn’t push. He set his own meager meal aside, resting his elbows on his knees as he gazed pensively at her.
“I… understand what you’re going through-“ he started cautiously, and Ellie couldn’t help the bitter little laugh that escaped her.
“Oh, you understand?” she bit out like a cornered dog, pulling his jacket tighter around her as her skin crawled, remembering David’s touch, his sickening grin, “Some fucking freak tried to rape you too?”
Joel didn’t answer, meeting her eyes steadily, and Ellie’s throat closed up.
“No…” her voice cracked, heart dropping, “No, no fucking way.” She thought of David’s men searching the town, Joel lying sick and vulnerable in the basement, unable to defend himself against the men Ellie was too weak to stop, too slow to lead away. They could have done anything to him, and she’d been completely unable to protect him because she was too fucking useless-
“Ellie.” Joel called, voice tight with worry, “Ellie, calm down, deep breaths. Deep breaths, baby girl, fuck, I didn’t mean to-“ She hadn’t realized she’d started hyperventilating, her chest tight and head swimming, and she shakily inhaled a lungful of frigid air to try and clear her head.
“Was…” she tried to catch her breath, tried to suppress the horrible images flashing across her mind, “Was it David’s goons? Did they-“
“No.” Joel said immediately, his eyes softening with comprehension, “No, Ellie. It wasn’t them. None of them lived to lay a hand on me.” Relief flooded her, followed immediately by a sharp stab of guilt, and she gritted her teeth against the whirl of emotions threatening to overwhelm her.
“Then when?” she demanded, focusing on the anger, the protective fury, “Who? Was it someone in Boston? Jackson? Who do I need to eviscerate?”
“It was… before the outbreak.” he confessed slowly, carefully, like the words were being pried out of him with a crowbar, “Tommy sometimes had his army buddies visit, and one of them… took a shine to me. Got me alone and uh… Well. He was stronger than me. Quicker. I couldn’t...” He shivered slightly, barely perceptible, and Ellie saw red.
“Who was he?” she rose unsteadily to her feet, eyes wild and teeth bared, hands shaking as she stomped over and grabbed his lapels, “Give me his fucking name and I’ll hunt him the fuck down, if he’s still alive I’ll make his death so fucking torturous and grotesque that infected will flinch, who did it!?” The very thought that Joel had gone through the same thing she did, had been made helpless and scared and victimized, made her blood boil. She wanted to scream and rage, to tear the world apart with her bare hands, to hide away with Joel somewhere safe and isolated where nothing could ever touch them again. She clung to that fury, letting it fill the emptiness David had left in her, letting it warm her even as her clouded breath intermingled with Joel’s in the frigid air.
“He’s long dead, Ellie.” Joel made an effort to keep his voice calm, reaching out to curl his warm hands around her tightly clenched fists, “When Tommy found out, he lost it. Went right over to the guy’s hotel and beat his face in, fucked him up so bad he was unrecognizable, then put a knife in his gut. First time I ever saw that side of him.”
“Too little too fucking late!” Elli spat, her hands shaking in Joel’s grasp, itching to break something, “Someone he trusted did… did that to you, someone he let in-“
“Don’t blame my brother, Ellie.” Joel said, a hint of steel in his tone, “He blamed himself plenty, acted like the whole damn thing was his fault. But it wasn’t. It was that man’s fault, and no one else’s. Not Tommy’s and certainly not mine.”
“Of course it wasn’t your fault!” she hissed, “Who the fuck would blame you?”
“You’re absolutely right, it’d be fucking stupid to blame me for what happened.” Joel said easily, “The victim is never to blame, Ellie. The fault lies in the attacker, and no one else.” She realized what he was saying, the message he was trying to get across, and the anger reluctantly dimmed, replaced by a bone-deep exhaustion born from hours of crying.
“I… I should have been smarter, faster…” she sniffled, looking at his coat rather than his eyes, “I should have… I should have fought…”
“…I should have fought him harder.” Joel finished softly, and Ellie’s gut lurched at the empathy in his eyes, the understanding. She wished with all her heart that he didn’t understand, that he had no frame of reference, that he had never been violated like she nearly was. It wasn’t fucking fair.
“He didn’t manage to… t-to do it.” Ellie laced her fingers into his, squeezing tightly, “I got away, you… It sounds like you got it much worse than I did.”
“Hey.” he said gently, “Don’t do that. Suffering ain’t a competition. I didn’t tell you about my experience to… to one-up you, or make you feel sorry for me. I told you so you’d know… you’re not alone. I understand. I’ve been where you are now. You’re not alone.” Ellie let out a strangled sob, and Joel lightly tugged her towards him, letting her crawl into his lap like a frightened child without any judgment at all, holding her close just like he had outside that burning building. He understood. Ellie wasn’t alone. Joel understood her, and even though she wished so badly that he didn’t… it was more comforting than she could possibly express.
“I got you, baby girl.” he murmured, and she wanted him to call her that for the rest of her life, “Ain’t no one gonna touch you ever again.”
“The same goes for you.” she mumbled into his collar, clinging tightly to him, “You’re mine.”
“…And you’re mine.” Joel said softly, lifting a hand to stroke her hair, “Don’t you ever doubt that, not even for a second.”
She burrowed closer, letting his warm body and secure embrace shield her from the cold, letting his presence keep the fear at bay.