Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kaz Brekker didn't sleep on jobs. During the Ice Court heist, he'd only slept briefly, fainted against Inej's shoulder. When plotting against Van Eck, he took quick, short naps, just enough to keep his mind sharp. Kaz didn't sleep on jobs, but the job was over now, and he could finally give himself permission to sleep.

Unfortunately, no one had informed his brain. 

He'd been lying in his bed for at least an hour now, just staring at the ceiling. His eyes ached with fatigue and his limbs were unbearably sore and heavy, but he just couldn't sleep.

He'd tried everything, from chamomile tea to counting sheep to closing his eyes and hoping for the best, but every time he came close to dozing off, he jolted back awake. His body was too anxious, it thought he was still on a job. He couldn't afford to sleep. 

But I can, Kaz told himself. I can afford it. 

It was incredibly frustrating, and eventually he gave up, sitting at his desk and doing paperwork.

He wondered, for just a moment, if any of his crows were having trouble sleeping. Probably not. Nina and Matthias would be curled up together in one of the spare bedrooms at the Van Eck (Hendricks?) household. Nina would be the one holding Matthias, her cheeks still stained with the tears she'd kept flowing since they'd found Matthias, bloody and unconscious. But they'd both be asleep.

Jesper and Wylan were probably sleeping in the same bed too. Wylan would have made some excuse about feeling lonely and too small in the bed alone, and Jesper would have said something flirtatious and crude, but slipped under the covers with his clothes still on all the same. Both would have fallen asleep quickly.

Inej might have had trouble falling asleep, but she'd been running on fumes since being kidnapped, and she hadn't shown up at his window; a sure sign that she was asleep, wrapped in her soft Suli sheets and warm blankets.

So Kaz was alone. He usually was, this. late at night. He didn't particularly like it that way (he loathed to admit it, but he'd grown fond of his crows. Even Helvar, against his better judgement), but it was necessary. But even when he'd been alone, he had Jesper, who never seemed to go to bed before four, or Inej, who would crawl through his window to whisper mercher secrets. 

Now he was truly alone.

Better get used to it, he thought. They're all leaving soon.

He shook his head and shoved away all thoughts of his crows. He had paperwork to do.

When the sun finally shone its way through his windows, he allowed himself a brief moment of peace. He'd been beckoned to the Van Eck house for breakfast and he knew he'd end up going. Not that he wanted to, but Inej would be leaving in a couple weeks (she just didn't know it yet) and he needed to try while she was still here.

He stood at seven bells, picked up his cane, and heaved himself down the stairs. Per Haskell was gone now, maybe he'd move to his office, but Kaz liked being so high up, liked being able to see over move of the city. Besides, he wouldn't be the kind of boss Haskell was. He wouldn't be lazy and incompetent. 

The trek from the Slat to Wylan's house was long, and Kaz's leg complained the whole way, but he didn't dare use the canals. If he fell in today, he'd never come out. 

He could've knocked, he could see lights on in the den, and hear Nina's laughter, but there was no fun in doing things the legal way. It didn't feel right to knock on the door of a marchers house. 

I need to get Wylan to replace these, Kaz thought, as the locks clicked. A five year old could pick them.

He wandered in, closing and re-locking the door behind him. When he turned around, a maid was staring at him, jaw dropped. "Mr. Brekker, there is a knocker, please use it."

"I'm here to see the master of the house," he said dryly. "Will you take me to him?"

"Master Wylan and his friends are in the family room with their breakfast. The dining room is still... under repairs."

"Of course," Kaz said, a glimmer of pride shooting up in his chest. "Lead the way."

She obeyed, leading him down a maze of hallways to a small room. It was like the den, but smaller, more homey. There were old children toys in a bin in the corner, and the paintings on the walls were less polished, all signed with MVE in the corner. 

"Thank you, Penny," Kaz said to the maid. 

"How-" she shook her head. "Good day, Mr. Brekker."

He stepped into the room and all heads turned to him.

"Kaz!" Jesper called. "I didn't think you'd make it."

Kaz shrugged. "Waste of good paper to receive an invitation and not oblige."

He saw Inej roll her eyes, but she patted the seat next to him, so he limped over and sat down, stretching out his bad leg.

"We were just talking about Inej's ship," Nina told him. 

"She's going to take us to Ravka," Matthias added, as if Kaz wasn't fully aware of that. "We'll help her find her parents, then begin our work."

"I don't have one yet," Inej reminded them. "I haven't hired anyone to build one yet either. It needs to have room for the crew, plus any children we find. Most boats have storage compartments, but I can't have children living in empty spaces. That's too-" She cut herself off. "I won't have it. I'll need a boat with plenty of room."

Kaz had already thought of all that when he'd bought her boat. He stifled a yawn, standing to pour himself a cup of coffee from the tray.

"No whiskey to add, merchling?" he asked.

"Saints, Kaz, it's 8 am," Wylan said. "At least wait until noon."

He sat back down, only to find Jesper's eyes fixed on him. He was frowning. 

"You look like death. Haven't you slept?"

"No," he replied. Without looking up, he added. "Stop staring at me."

He could feel the weight of everyone's eyes.Noow that Jesper had pointed it out, they were looking for it. He knew he looked awful, with pasty skin and circles under his eyes worse than usual.

"Stop."

"You need to sleep," Inej said.

"Can't."

"Sure you can," Jesper said. "Jobs over. Wylan's shitty dad's in jail, Pekka Rollins is off in the country somewhere, and you've been paid."

"No, I can't."

"Why not?" Nina asked, curling closer to Matthias. 

He said nothing, staring into her eyes until she looked away. He couldn't tell them that every time he closed his eyes, he saw Inej being carried off, saw Jesper falling to the ground, saw Matthias covered in blood. They were his crows, and they didn't need to worry about him.

"How's your mother, Wylan?"

"She's alright," Wylan replied. "We're going out to get her next week, just as soon as things settle down a bit. Sent a messenger down to instruct the nurses to stop giving her her medication, just until we can get her to a healer and figure out what she actually needs."

Kaz listened as he sipped his coffee, as the topic shifted to Jesper's father back in Novyi Zem, then to the new clothes Inej and Nina had bought, in preparation for their travels. There was something easy about listening to his crows problems now that the heist was done. They felt more normal, less like he had to fix them. 

He looked up again and saw Matthias's cold Fjerdan eyes staring back. Calculating. 

"You really can't sleep, can you?" he asked.

"I thought we were done talking about this," Kaz said. "I don't need my sleeping habits scrutinized by a bunch of nursemaids."

"Wait, you can't sleep?" Jesper asked.

"I said that, didn't I?"

"I thought you meant "can't", like you wouldn't let yourself. You mean you actually can't sleep?"

Kaz grit his teeth. Every nerve in his body was urging him to stand up, say something cruel and cutting, and storm back to the Crow Club. He didn't need them worrying over him. But he could feel Inej shift slightly beside him, and her eyes were watching.

Without armour, or not at all.

"No, Jesper," he said slowly. "I can't sleep."

"But aren't you tired?" Wylan blurted.

Kaz stared at him. "Exhausted, merchling, thank you."

"Right," Wylan's face turned red. "Sorry, I just-"

"Ignore him, he's just angry we figured him out," Nina said. She turned back to him. "Why didn't you say anything? We could help you."

"You're not messing with my vital organs," Kaz said. "And I'm not going to drink myself to unconsciousness." He rubbed a gloved hand over his face. "I'll be fine. I'm sure I'll sleep tonight."

Famous last words.

Chapter Text

Kaz didn't go back to the Van Eck house until two days later, when a messenger showed up at the Crow Club with a note, requesting his presence at a post-supper tea. It was signed by Wylan, but Jesper had written it.

He'd managed to fall asleep the night before, but only stayed that way for an hour or so before the images woke him up. Nina screaming as she clutched Matthias's body, Wylan with his ribs broken and face destroyed, the pain that came with being submerged in icy water. He couldn't keep going like this, chewing jurda that stained his teeth just to stay alert. It was dangerous, not just for him, but for the whole gang.

Still, he was reluctant to ask his crows for help. He already had a weakness, his gloves, he didn't need another one. But if anyone could be trusted to help, it would be them.

He picked the lock again, this time managing to go undetected. He followed the same path to the living room and stood in the doorway, for just a moment. Watching. Studying.

Nina was telling a story (by the sounds of it, how she and Matthias made it from a wrecked ship all the way to Ketterdam), and Wylan was leaning forward, mouth open in awe as she described how she kept them alive while he dragged her to shore. Jesper was listening too, fingers fiddling with a piece of metal, bending and twisting it into something new. Even Inej seemed entertained, sharpening her knives as Nina spoke.

Finally, he rapped on the doorframe with his cane.

"Twice in one week?" Jesper asked. "Next thing you know, he'll be moving in."

Kaz flipped him off easily as he sat down. "I just got rid of you," he rasped. "I'm certainly not going to be the one coming back."

"Rude."

"True."

"You look exhausted," Inej noted. "Have you still not slept?"

What was more humiliating? Not being able to sleep, or not being able to stay asleep because your pathetic excuse for a brain insisted on reliving its worst memories?

"I slept a bit," he hedged. 

Inej's eyes narrowed and Kaz stared right back. The room was uncomfortably silent as they spoke using only their eyes.

We could help you

I don't need help

You're running on fumes. If you don't sleep soon, you'll be putting all of us in danger.

I don't know why I can't sleep.

LET US HELP YOU

FINE

Inej turned back to the other crows, the smirk playing on her lips making it obvious she'd won.

"Kaz is sleeping in my room tonight," she announced. "Wylan, can we get extra blankets?"

"Oh, yeah. Of course," Wylan said, stumbling only slightly. He wasn't used to owning a whole house yet, and being in charge of, say, getting the guests extra blankets. "Just let me know when you're heading off to bed, I'll grab some from the linen closet."

"What is sleeping here instead of the Slat going to do?" Kaz asked, rubbing his bad knee absentmindedly. "I doubt a different setting's going to fix this." Fix me.

"No offence, boss," Jesper said. "But I've been sleeping on Slat beds for 3 years now, and merch beds are WAY better. Maybe you'll sleep better on a mattress that isn't hard as a rock."

"Maybe."

"Everyone has trouble sleeping sometimes," Inej said.

"I don't," Matthias said.

"It's true," Nina said. "It's infuriating."

"All the same, I've got a few insomnia cures up my sleeve. One of them has to work."

They didn't go to bed for a couple hours, but Inej could tell that Kaz was getting more nervous by the second. She couldn't lie and say she wasn't. She hadn't laid next to a boy since the Menagerie and even though she knew Kaz would never hurt her like that, did her body? What if he moved in the night and brushed against her? Would she be able to stop herself from panicking?

Not about you, Inej thought. This is about Kaz. He needs you.

Even the guest rooms in the mansion had beds large enough for the entire group to squeeze onto, so Inej and Kaz set up a small wall of pillows in between them. 

"Inej-" Kaz swallowed. 

"It's okay," Inej said, slipping underneath the covers. They were so soft, softer than anything she'd ever touched. She'd have to steal a couple away for her ship. "We never stop fighting, right?"

"Right."

He only hesitated for a moment more before joining her under the covers. Inej couldn't help the glimmer of fear, but it was quickly taken over by pride. She was doing this. He was doing this. They were healing.

"Good night, Kaz," she said.

"Good night, Wraith."

She rolled over onto her stomach and closed her eyes. She was determined not to fall asleep until Kaz did. 

She thought about the ship she wanted to buy. She'd have her own little room, with a desk of her own, and maps on the wall, and a bed decorated with Suli silks-- REAL Suli silks, not the cheap knockoffs they sold in Ketterdam. She'd have a lock on the door not even Kaz would be able to pick, and no one would be allowed in without her direct permission. It would be hers. The only thing in the world that would belong to her and only her.

She blinked suddenly and wondered how long she'd been trapped in thought, mapping out her perfect little room on a boat that didn't even exist yet.

"Kaz?" she asked softly. "Are you asleep?"

"No."

"Me neither."

"Obviously."

She heaved herself up. "Come on. I bought some chamomile tea yesterday. In the cupboard downstairs."

Kaz sighed and she knew he didn't believe this was going to work, but he said nothing as he picked up his cane and followed her downstairs. 

The house was quiet, so different from the Barrel, where the streets were never truly silent. You could always here something moving, someone laughing or screaming, the sound of fists breaking skin. The comforting click of Kaz's cane against hardwood was the only sound, even as Inej turned on the lights.

"My mother always made chamomile tea when I couldn't sleep as a child," Inej admitted. "She said it had been blessed by the Saints to send children into good dreams."

"Did it work?"

"Always did for me."

He seemed to accept that, leaning against the counter. His leg was hurting him again, badly. They really did have to look into another way to help him. His cane seemed less and less effective by the day.

"Why can't you sleep?" he asked her.

"I was thinking," she said. "About my ship, how I was going to decorate my quarters, that's all." She pulled down the bricks of tea and shaved some into a teapot. She added hot water (Saints, Wylan's house had hot running water) and put it on the stove. "What about you?"

Kaz shrugged. He'd changed into a loose cotton shirt, but stayed in his trousers. In case he needs to escape, Inej realized.

"I was-" he coughed. "Thinking too, I suppose."

She had a feeling he wasn't thinking about anything nearly as pleasant as she was. She stayed silent.

"Everyone got hurt," he said, so quiet he almost didn't hear it. "Even Wylan. He was supposed to be the one who got away."

"Wylan made his choices," Inej said. "And I'm sure he doesn't regret them."

"What choices?" Kaz challenged. "His father wanted him dead, and he was dying at that stupid tannery, and then we trapped him looking like Kuwei, and then I had my own gang beat him."

"And we did that so he wouldn't have to suffer anymore," Inej passed him a cup of tea. "He's happier now then he ever was before meeting us."

Kaz said nothing, just sipping his tea. Inej didn't press it. She knew it took a lot for Kaz to admit he felt bad about something, and she had a sneaking suspicion he never would have told her if he'd had enough sleep.

Once they'd both drained their cups, she extended her hand to him. He stared at it.

"Tomorrow, Inej," he said finally. "We can try tomorrow."

She could accept that.

The chamomile tea had warmed her belly with nostalgia and comfort, and made it too easy for her to drift off to sleep. When she woke in the morning, Kaz was already gone.

Chapter Text

Kaz didn't return to the mansion the next day. He couldn't try Inej's tea again.

The scary thing about it was that it had worked, just a little too well. He'd fallen asleep easily, but when the nightmares came crashing over him, found he couldn't wake up. He watched Jordie's body float away from him again and again, saw an alternate ending to their story where Jesper took the parem and never recovered, saw Inej telling him she would never forgive him.

It was nearly sunrise by the time he managed to claw himself back to consciousness. The sleep had rested his body, perhaps, but his mind was as exhausted as ever. 

He'd considered staying at the Van Eck house to try and ease his crows worry, but couldn't bear the idea of Inej catching him in a lie. And she would. She always did.

He'd holed up in his office at the Crow Club, sorting through paperwork and trying to figure out the best way to merge the club with the building next door. Maybe a lounge area? He considered. Pricy drinks, but no expectation of gambling?

He went on like that for most of the day. He wandered down the stairs a couple times, just to survey his club and ensure it was running smoothly, sending Trela and Flour down to a rival club to drum up business, but for the most part people left him alone. He trusted Anika to handle any issues by herself, not to mention Rotty and Pim were there to help her.

It wasn't until about 8 o'clock that evening when a firm knock echoed through his office. He looked up with a frown. It had been fairly quiet, surely there wasn't a fight downstairs that needed his involvement. It could be Anika alerting him to a dealer scamming him, or maybe Rotty had heard word about Van Eck or Rollins or the Dime Lions. 

"Come in," he called, looking back down at his numbers. Now if we started selling a slightly better beer, but kept the price the same-

"Hello, Kaz."

"For fucks sake," Kaz muttered. He turned around. "Hello, merchling. What business?"

Wylan had a bag slung over his shoulder and his eyes were darting around the room nervously. "I-" He swallowed. "Well, Inej said we should try to help you, you know, with the whole sleeping this."

Hot anger rose in Kaz's throat. If it had been Nina, or Matthias, or even Jesper, he would have been throwing them out already. His problems were none of their business.

But this was Wylan. Wylan, who didn't know a pickpocket from a lawyer, who'd braved the walk here alone, even though Kaz knew his ribs couldn't possibly have been healed yet. So he just raised an eyebrow and gestured for him to continue.

"Well, come on then," Wylan said. "I'm not sleeping on the floor of your club, no matter how nice it is."

Kaz rolled his eyes, but shoved the rest of the papers in his bag, along with a quill, and followed Wylan to the streets.

"Do you often have trouble sleeping, merchling?" he asked casually.

"Not anymore," Wylan replied honestly. "But sometimes it feels like sleeping is the most boring thing to do and I'd rather be learning about chemicals, or finding new ways to blow stuff up, or playing the flute."

"Too much energy?"

"No, just no patience," he said, dodging a discoloured puddle. "So me and Jesper came up with a game. We go back and forth on a subject, listing something. Whoever can't think of another fact first loses and by then I'm tired enough that its easy to fall asleep." He perked up proudly. "Not to brag, but I always win."

"Of course you do," Kaz said. "You're competing with Jesper."

"Jesper's smarter than you give him credit for."

"Yes," Kaz allowed. "He's smart. That doesn't mean he's got the book smarts to compete with you."

Wylan kicked a pebble down the street. "Do you... I mean, did you always have trouble sleeping?"

Kaz said nothing for a long minute and Wylan was sure he'd made a mistake. Kaz was about to lose his temper, strike out with his cane, and leave Wylan alone in the worst part of the Barrel.

"No," Kaz said. "I would stay up for long periods of time, but I always could fall asleep, if I wanted to."

"So why can't you know?" This was more detail than Wylan would have ever risked before, but Kaz seemed to be in a forgiving mood. 

"Heist went too long," Kaz said. He said nothing more, and Wylan decided he'd pushed his luck as far as he was willing.

Wylan had only been to the Slat a handful of times, so Kaz took over as they stepped through the door. He nodded to anyone who greeted them, but didn't hesitate as he began to climb the stairs.

"Saints, Kaz," Wylan muttered, grabbing his ribs. "You're in charge of this place. Couldn't you choose a different bedroom?"

"Sure," Kaz said. "But where's the fun in that?"

The fun is in not destroying your leg every morning and every night, Wylan thought, but said nothing.

Kaz's room was decently sized, with a small bed in the corner and a desk near the window. Other than that, there wasn't much, just a chest for clothes and a basin with water in it on a counter. No pictures on the walls, no little trinkets, no decorative pillows. Nothing to reveal anything about it's owner.

Kaz was frowning at the bed now. "Didn't think this through, did you, merchling? Where are you planning on sleeping?"

Wylan hoisted his bag. "The ground. I brought a pillow and blanket." It would be cold, probably; Kaz didn't have so much as a carpet to dampen the chilly Spring air, but Wylan had slept in the worst kind of boarding house, and he wasn't worried.

Kaz just nodded. He glanced at Wylan, took a stuttering breath, and took off his gloves. Wylan did his best not to stare. Kaz was pale, very pale, but his hands were practically paper white. Thin and boney and graceful. Lockpick hands. 

Wylan turned to the corner and slid off his shirt and trousers, replacing them with beautiful silk pyjamas. He'd missed this, the little things of his privileged life. The silk pyjamas, the tea, the privacy. It was nice.

He wasn't too worried about Kaz seeing him naked, a sure sign he wasn't the same boy he was months ago. They'd seen every part of each other at the Ice Court. Kaz had a lot of scars. Wylan hadn't. And now he did.

Wylan spread out a thick blanket on the ground next to Kaz's bed, threw down his pillow, and settled down with a second blanket around his shoulders. Kaz had undone his waistcoat and removed his boots, but kept the rest of his clothes on.

"Alright," Wylan said. "What's the topic?"

"Dealer's choice."

"Fine," he said. Breeds of dogs."

"Bloodhound."

"Terrier."

"Poodle."

"Wolf."

"That doesn't count."

"Does too."

"Fine," Kaz rolled his eyes. "Ravkan Shepherd."

They went back and forth over and over. And for the first time, Wylan lost. 

It was late by then and Wylan yawned. "Sleep well, Kaz."

"Goodnight, Wylan."

Wylan, even on a hard floor, fell asleep easily, dreaming of Alys's yappy terriers. Thank Ghezen she was leaving soon. He didn't think he'd be able to handle another week of their barks.

Wylan had always been an early riser. It was one of the few qualities his father appreciated. He was never late, and he was always up by six bells.

He sat up slowly, twisting to stretch out his sore back. He peered over the bed frame, but the frame that should have been there wasn't.

"Here, merchling," a voice said from behind him. 

Wylan turned, only to see Kaz sitting at his desk, looking even more tired, if possible.

"It didn't help?"

"It got me to sleep okay," Kaz admitted. "Just couldn't keep me there."

"You could've woken me up and we could've played again."

"Then we'd both be sleep deprived, and nothing would be fixed." Kaz sighed, offering him a gloved hand and pulling him to his feet. "Come on. If I know Nina- and I do- she's waiting at your place with waffles."

Chapter Text

Nina was indeed waiting for them back at the Van Eck mansion (Hendricks mansion?), and she, Jesper, and Inej were already tucking into waffles. Inej ate hers with cut up dragon fruit and sweet apple syrup. Kaz made sure to file that information away for later.

"Hey!" Jesper jumped up and pressed a kiss to Wylan's cheek. "Sleep well?"

"I did," Wylan said. "Kaz didn't."

"I slept a little," Kaz countered, busying himself with the coffee pot. 

Inej frowned. "Maybe we should get you to a healer."

"No," he said. 

"They might be able to help."

"I said no."

"Well then," Nina said brightly, breaking off the awkward silence that followed. "Sounds like it's my turn!"

Kaz scowled. "There are no "turns", Zenik. I don't-"

"Me and Kazzie are stealing the living room tonight!" Nina announced. "If that's alright with you, Wylan?"

"Fine with me," Wylan yawned. "I don't fancy spending another night on the floor when I've got a perfectly good bed upstairs."

"Are you sure your brute won't take offence?" Kaz asked dryly as he sipped his coffee. Black. Nina shuddered at the thought. She drank her coffee piled with sugar and cream, but Zoya didn't. Nina had picked up her mug by mistake once and nearly threw up. "I doubt proper Fjurdan girls sleep alone in a room with other men."

"No," Matthias said. "But I trust her." He leveled his gaze at Kaz. "Against my better judgement, I trust you as well, Brekker."

"Rookie mistake," Jesper said. "But by all means, take the living room."

"Perfect," Nina said. She pointed a finger at Kaz as she went back to her waffles. "Be here by ten. If you're late, I'm getting Inej to drag you back by the ear."

"She couldn't reach."

"Not the point."

As tempting as it was to stay at the Crow Club, just to see if Nina would make good on her threat, Kaz found himself walking back to the manor that evening. It was starting to get ridiculous, and his leg was starting to let him know. At this rate, it'd probably be worth the money to just buy a damned horse and stable.

He slipped through the living room window and was waiting patiently on the couch when Nina came in, already dressed in a nightgown. She was carrying a silver tray with a few cakes and sweets on it.

"Oh good, you're here," she said, placing the tray on the table. 

"I decided my fear of Inej was greater than my pride."

"Smart man."

Nina busied herself arranging pillows and blankets onto the two couches and Kaz watched her. Jurda Parem had stolen a lot of weight from her bones, weight she was slowly gaining back. Kaz hated to admit it, but he'd been worried. Nina was a good person to have on your good side, and without her, Kaz doubted Matthias ever would have agreed to help. But there was also the fact that it was Nina. Kaz liked Nina, liked her sharp wit and her pride. There were very few things that Nina was truly ashamed of and that made her difficult to control. It was nice to have someone on equal footing, even though he'd never admit it.

"What did the others do to help you?" Nina asked, fluffing yet another pillow. "I want to make sure I don't repeat it."

"Inej made me tea," Kaz said. "Wylan and I played a game."

"And neither helped?"

"Not in a way that's sustainable."

"Well, you're in luck," Nina told him. "I only have three cures for insomnia, and neither of them involve tea OR games."

"No?"

"Nope," she flopped down on the couch. "Sex, gossip, and food."

"No matter how much he trusts us, I don't think Matthias would approve of us having sex." Even the idea of it made Kaz's stomach turn, and not just because they'd have to touch. Having sex with Nina would be like having sex with his sister. 

"Ew," she said, echoing his sentiment. "I'd sooner kiss Rotty."

"I'm sure he'd like that."

"Shut up." She plucked a cookie off the tray. "So. Sleepover rules dictate we have to gossip. Go on, tell me something."

Kaz rolled his eyes. "What are we, schoolchildren?"

"Close enough to," Nina said. "I'll go first. Alys and her music tutor are moving out to the country to raise the baby."

"I figured as much," Kaz said.

Nina shoved the tray towards him. "Go on, have something. I know you haven't eaten since breakfast."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"Jesper says you only eat when he reminds you to."

Not quite true, but not wrong enough to bother correcting her. "Fine." He reached out and snagged a piece of chocolate. "Anika has a new girlfriend."

"Oh?"

"She's clever enough. A spider. And she's good at keeping Anika on focus, so I guess she's okay."

"Aw, you like her!" Nina said. 

"Fuck off."

They went back and forth like that, though Nina really did most of the talking. It was... nice, kind of. The steady stream of words flowing out of Nina's mouth managed to lull him into a decent sleep.

Jordie, holding his hand, pulling him through the streets of Ketterdam. Everything felt big, too big, like the city was trying to swallow them whole.

"Jordie, I'm scared."

"Don't be, Kazzie," Jordie said. "Aren't you the scariest part of this city?"

"I-"

And then Jordie grew taller, into an adult. He was screaming at him, but the words all joined into one loud shout. Jordie shoved him and Kaz went flying into the harbour. The water seeped into his boots and coat, pulling him down to join the rest of the bodies at the bottom.

"Jordie!" he screamed, wasting precious air.

"Drüskelle!"

Drüskelle? No, there were no drüskelle in Ketterdam. Kaz hadn't even known what the word meant back then.

"MATTHIAS!"

Nina

Kaz sat up so fast his head spun. It took him a moment to remember where he was, then another for his eyes to adjust to the dark.

Nina was laying on the couch opposite him, just as she had been before, but the blankets were twisted around her and most of the pillows had fallen on the ground. She was fighting some invisible enemy and her breath came in short pants. He stumbled to his feet and grabbed her shoulder, shaking it.

"Zenik," Kaz said. His throat was raw. Had he been screaming in his sleep too? "Damnit, Nina, wake up!"

She shot up so fast her head nearly smacked into his. He backed up, sitting down on his couch. She had tears rushing down her face, so he stared at his lap.

"Fuck," she mumbled. "Fuck, it's been a while since I've had one that bad."

"Nightmares?"

She didn't reply, but Kaz assumed she nodded. 

"I-" he swallowed. His hands wouldn't stop shaking.

"You get them too, don't you?" she asked. Her voice was softer than it usually was. Nina Zenik liked putting on a show for people, but there was no show now. This was just Nina, a scared seventeen year old a million miles away from home. "I heard you."

"Yes."

She said nothing more, and neither did he. But they sat together until the sun rose, sitting vigil for the people they used to be.

Chapter Text

The idea of Jesper helping Kaz sleep was almost laughable. Jesper was jittery, always moving, always fidgeting with something or other. Even in the evenings, when even Inej was lazing around, Jesper would be on his feet, drumming his fingers against the piano keys or attempting to do a cartwheel down the stairs. 

Kaz didn't have high hopes, but he didn't have much of a choice. He was getting desperate. If he didn't find a cure for his insomnia soon, he'd have to go to a healer. He didn't want to take drugs that would make him drowsy and sluggish. And no matter how "trustworthy" Nina found them, that LAST thing he wanted was a Heartrender messing with his body.

Which is why he didn't bother arguing when Jesper flounced into his office, pillow already in hand.

It quickly became apparent that he didn't have a plan. Jesper just perched himself on Kaz's desk and chattered on, and Kaz barely listened, continuing with his work. Then Jesper went silent, and Kaz looked up.

Jesper... Jesper looked upset.

"What?

"I have no idea how we're going to sleep tonight," Jesper admitted. "I'm barely getting enough sleep at the mansion."

"What did you do before?" Kaz asked, rubbing his eyes. He was painfully tired. He'd do anything to get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

"Usually play a couple hands. Stay up all night, if I had to."

Kaz nodded. It was common enough knowledge, around the Slat at least, that Jesper rarely took more than a few hours of sleep per night. 

"Out of the question."

"I know."

They were quiet for a while. Jesper fiddled with his guns and Kaz picked up a deck of cards, shuffling them absentmindedly. 

"What do you see?" Jesper asked.

"Pardon?"

"When you close your eyes. Why can't you sleep?"

"You first."

Jesper levelled a look at him. "Swear you'll tell me if I tell you?"

Kaz's lips twitched. "The deal is the deal."

"Bastard," Jesper rolled his eyes. "Fine. I see my Da, but he hates me. Or Inej dies after Oomen stabbed her and I have to live with the fact that it's my fault, and you never forgive me.

Kaz swallowed hard. He knew, privately, that there was no world where he didn't forgive Jesper. Like it or not, the gunslinger had wormed his way into Kaz's life three years ago, and stayed. Jesper was, unfortunately, one of the only people Kaz could truly feel safe around. Kaz was always going to forgive him, eventually.

"Who do you see, Kaz?"

The deal is the deal.

"Jordie," he said.

Jesper exhaled noisily. "C'mon, give me a little more than that. Who's Jordie?"

Without armour, or not at all.

"My brother," he admitted, through gritted teeth.

"Oh," Jesper said. "I didn't know you have a brother."

"Had."

That shut him up. Kaz was glad for it. He felt like he was going to throw up.

Jesper stood up abruptly. "Let's go out."

"What?"
 
"Let's go out. Get a drink."

"Jes, Inej will kill us if we don't at least try to sleep."

"And we will! One drink. On me."

Kaz sighed. "One drink."

Two hours later, and they sitting on the floor of Kaz's room, passing a bottle of stolen acquired kvas back and forth. Kaz's hair was all messed up and Jesper's new waistcoat had been torn, but Jesper didn't even care. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Kaz so happy. His cheeks were pushed and he seemed alive in a way he hadn't since before the Ice Court. 

"Tell me a secret," Jesper said, swallowing another burning mouthful.

"About who?" Kaz asked.

"Anyone."

Kaz hummed, rocking slightly. "Big Bolliger liked to be tied up and slapped around by women thrice his age."

Jesper snorted loudly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. Your turn."

"You know all my secrets."

"Try me." Kaz stole the bottle back and drained it.

Jesper groaned, flopping down on his back. "Uh... when I was eight, I shot my neighbour's pig by accident and spent two hours "helping" them look for the shooter in the middle of the night."

Kaz laughed, joining him on the ground. Jesper wondered briefly if it hurt Kaz to laugh. It sounded like it did. 

"I stole a kid's trousers my first night in Ketterdam."

"I taught a kid to swim in exchange for his Da forgiving my debt."

"Half the rumours about me are fake."

"Da wants me to invite everyone to the farm this summer."

"I bought Inej a boat."

Jesper sat up quickly, mouth falling open. "WHAT?"

"A nice boat too," Kaz continued, keeping his eyes on the ceiling. "Wylan inherited plenty, he sold me one for a good price. Specht already agreed to be her First Mate."

"Saints, Kaz, you're down bad."

"Fuck off." But there was no heat behind his words. "She deserves it."

"Hey, no arguments from me."

Kaz's eyes slipped closed. "You still owe me a secret."

Jesper chuckled, dragging the blanket down from Kaz's bed to cover them.

"Fine," he said. "You're the brother I never had."

Kaz said nothing, and Jesper figured he'd fallen asleep before hearing his secret. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep. 

 Jesper's bloated body stared up at him through the murky water of the harbour.

"You failed me," his pale lips said. "You failed all of us. Matthias nearly died. Because of you."

"No."

Inej's body was there too, dark eyes drilling into him. Then Nina's, her red dress dragging her down. Matthias, with blue lips and sagging cheeks. Wylan's body too, too pale and eyes hallow.

"Yes. You ruined us. You ruin people. Dirtyhands."

"I didn't!"

"You did. You killed us."

Their hands reached out to him and he couldn't move, couldn't even bring himself to fight, as they dragged him below the surface.

Kaz's eyes flew open. He was doused in sweat and he nearly struck out when he realized he wasn't alone.

"Kaz?" Jesper mumbled. "You alright?"

"Y-yes," Kaz said, forcing his voice into steadiness. "Go back to sleep."

It was a sign of how exhausted Jesper was that he didn't realize something was wrong.

If he was Kaz Brekker, he would have been okay. But he was only Kaz Rietveld, and spent the rest of that night awake, tears streaming silently down his pale cheeks.

Chapter Text

When Kaz sat down on Wylan's couch the next day, he felt like crying. The thought horrified him. He hadn't cried, really cried, since he'd broken his leg three years prior, and even then, only Jesper saw him. But he was so tired. And frustrated, and annoyed, and a million other emotions that he didn't have the energy to sort out. 

"We'll call for a healer tonight," Inej said. 

Kaz didn't bother arguing. He kept his eyes on the ceiling, leaning his head back until his neck rested against the back of the couch. He heard Nina leave first, mumbling something about going to Little Ravka to find a Heartrender, then he felt Inej leave too. He wished she'd stay, but he wasn't exactly the best company right now.

"We'll be in the kitchen," Wylan said. "If you need anything."

Kaz didn't spare him a look. Two pairs of footsteps faded and Kaz waited. He wouldn't have to wait long. The Matthias Helvars of the world were not known for their patience. He shivered slightly. Van Eck mansion was well insulated, and kept at a comfortable temperature, but it was a cooler day and Kaz had never claimed to be warm-blooded. 

Three quick, heavy footsteps sounded and Kaz felt something heavy and warm be draped over him. His eyes flew open and he sat up straighter.

Matthias was standing in front of him, dressed in only a loose cotton shirt and a pair of trousers held up with suspenders. He had an odd look on his face, almost fond. A quick look down at himself confirmed Kaz's suspicions. Matthias had shucked off his beloved jacket and given it to him.

"The fuck are you doing, Helvar?" Kaz snarled, shoving the jacket off. "I'm not a damned coat rack"

"You looked cold," Matthias said simply. He grabbed the jacket again and threw it back over Kaz's body. "Try to relax, for Djel's sake. No one here will hurt you."

Kaz growled wordlessly, watching Matthias leave. He tried to push the jacket off again, but his arms wouldn't listen. They weighed a million pounds and he gave up quickly. 

He shouldn't fall asleep here, where his crows would find him screaming and thrashing in a matter of minutes. There were spare rooms upstairs, he could go up and fall asleep in a bed there. But something about the warmth and weight of the jacket, pressing down on his body, was settling. He felt safer, for some ridiculous reason, out in the open for anyone to see. 

I should go upstairs before Nina gets back with her friend, he thought distantly. 

He was asleep before he finished the thought.

It was weird, Inej decided, seeing Kaz so miserable and exhausted. She was no stranger to Kaz's self-destruction, she knew he rarely slept, rarely ate, rarely did anything for simple pleasure. But he did eat, and he did sleep, or he used to. Something about the heist had changed him.

Well, it had changed all of them. Kaz would get better. He was stronger than anyone gave him credit for, and he was allowing them to help. That was progress. 

Matthias joined them in the kitchen soon after, his jacket noticeably missing. No one spoke, not even Jesper. Inej made tea quietly, but didn't drink it. She was worried about Kaz. It was an odd feeling. Kaz was not someone she usually had to worry about. Jesper? Sure. The plan? Absolutely. But Kaz had a habit of taking care of himself, and she wasn't used to Kaz needing care. 

Maybe that was foolish of her.

Nina was back before too long, an older woman with long grey hair and gnarled fingers in tow.

"This is Madam Poppy," she said breathlessly, as if they'd run the whole way here. Maybe they had, if the sheen of sweat on the old woman's hair was anything to go by. Inej knew Nina didn't like to admit it, but she liked Kaz. They were too similar, with their biting humour and ridiculous pride. 

Wylan stood up. "I think he's still in the sitting room."

Nina paled. "You left him alone?"

Inej could have kicked herself. She flew out of the room and back to where they'd left Kaz. She knew Kaz didn't want a healer, Heartrender or not, and he wasn't above leaving situations he didn't like. He could've left easily, and none of them would have noticed. He could be halfway back to the Slat by now. 

Saints, I'm stupid.

She rushed into the room and stopped short. Kaz was still there.

"Inej? We can go, he can't have-" Jesper cut himself off. "Oh, Saints."

Kaz was asleep, curled up against the arm of the couch, Matthias's jacket around him like a blanket and his beloved cane resting by his side. His hair was strewn across his pale face, but Inej could tell. He was asleep.

"What did you do to him?" Nina asked Matthias.

"Nothing," Matthias said. He looked as confused as the rest of them. "He was shivering, so I gave him my coat."

"Ah," Madam Poppy spoke up, her voice low and soft. "It is quite heavy, yes?"

"I suppose."

She nodded wisely. "It imitates an old Ravkan sleep aid. We sew pockets of sand together like a quilt, and use it as a blanket. It settles the heart, allows people some relief from nightmares."

Inej stared at her, mouth open. "Do they sell these blankets, in Little Ravka?"

The woman frowned. "I suppose. They're quite pricy, they take a long time and much labour to make."

"Money is not an issue," she said. "Nina, with me. We're going to go buy a sand blanket."

Nina nodded, and the two of them escorted Madam Poppy back to Little Ravka, leaving her with a hundred kruge for her trouble. They ended up buying a blanket advertised to be twenty-five pounds. The man had scalped them, Inej was sure of it, but it didn't matter. It was heavy and soft and big enough to cover Kaz's whole body, hopefully it would be a good substitute for Matthias's jacket.

Jesper was sitting in the living room when they got back, eyes trained on Kaz. He'd shifted slightly, and Inej got a better look at his face. He looked younger when he slept, his face smoothed from the frown that had taken up permanent residence. 

"He's such an interesting sleeper," Jesper said. "Barely even moves. I keep getting up to make sure he's still breathing."

Nina snorted. "He's hardly slept in a week."

"Still."

They left the package on the couch and crept back to the kitchen. Wylan told all the servants to leave the sitting room untouched, and when Kaz finally joined them for dinner, hours later, his hair was mussed up and his shirt rumpled, but he looked healthier, with a bit of colour back in his cheeks, and the shadows under his eyes not so prominent. He glared at them, daring them to say anything, but Inej just pulled out a chair next to her.

"Thank you," he said in her ear, too quiet for anyone else to catch it.

She squeezed his hand (still gloved, but at least he didn't pull away). "You'd do the same for us."