Archive of Our Own ^beta

Gallowmere castle, the ancestral home to a long line of kings; the crown jewel of the kingdom and a symbol of nobility, honor, and most of all, it was an absolute mess. The events of the night before had left most of its residents either in recovery from the chaos, or from getting inebriated; possibly both. What’s more, is that there was profound damage done to the castle, whether that came from fire or from sheer force that had completely destroyed stone walls. There was even a team outside pulling out a pirate ship that had embedded itself into what was left of the dining hall. Nothing too bad, however, the stonemasons would have to cover it up immediately, and were currently trying to work as quietly as possible. Meanwhile, soldiers seen throughout the castle that had not been slumped over the nearest semi-comfortable surface clutching their heads in pain were assisting in the cleanup. One soldier, skinny and fair, managed to locate the Captain of the Royal Guard, drool dribbled down from his chin as he was curled up underneath a fallen banner and holding onto a bottle of wine like a teddy bear. 

“Hey lads, I’ve found the captain!” exclaimed the soldier, motioning for others to come over.

The man’s eyes slowly opened, morning had brought along a fierce light that pierced through his skull and sent shockwaves of pain. He’d groan, “Someone please turn off that light, curtains please!”

“Captain, are you alright?” he’d ask gently.

“Huh?” He’d lift his head, simultaneously rubbing it in an attempt to soothe his growing nerves, “What happened last night?”

“Nothing short of a disaster, that’s what.” Commented one, arms crossed and glaring down at the captain with such contempt. And as he sat there, trying not to succumb to the pressure of his turning stomach or his spinning head, he wondered just how exactly he’d wound up here. 

Looking back, yesterday had gone off normally enough; the sun beamed down from the heavens as the farmers were already in the fields working their fingers to the bone, collecting and attending to the spoils of their labor. Only, it was not in the hardworking Scarecrow Fields, the otherwise peaceful Enchanted Forest, or the bustling marketplace of Gallows Town where it all began. No, the trouble started at the castle, where preparations were being made for—

“What is this? I asked for red roses, not white!” squawked a young man, his hair unruly and yet to be tamed by a comb. His teeth protrude from his upper lip in a horrific overbite, his nostrils were flared and his skin going from a sickening shade of spoiled milk to brilliant red. You’d swear, the foundation of the castle shook from the volume of his shout. The florists trembled and scampered off, one managing to squeak out an answer, “Sorry, sir! Right away, sir!”

“Get on with it, then! Everything must be perfect! ” Proclaimed the soon-to-be captain. 

The castle was also home to one Daniel Fortesque, and if the demands weren’t enough of an indicator, then let it be known that today was indeed, meant to be perfect. His promotion ceremony had to be perfect; ever since the King announced that he’d become Captain of the Royal Guard, it’s as if his patience became lacking. And what was to replace this otherwise polite young man was nothing short of the fire breathing dragon he’d slain in many tales. As this was a milestone for him, Dan wanted nothing more than a night to remember. 

With his father’s permission, tonight the wine cellars would be open to all guests in attendance, the music had to be loud and bombastic enough to dance to, and food had to be abundant and tantalizing to the taste buds! Though really, anyone with half a mind would have the sense to compare Dan to that of a bride-to-be, especially in the way he’d stress over every minute detail. Dan would excuse himself from the courtyard, re-entering the castle to prepare for the ceremony. The agreed upon time would’ve been 12 o’clock sharp, except Dan threw such a fit, insisting that high noon or an hour after should hit the stained-glass windows just right.

“Sir Fortesque!” called an elderly man, Dan would turn to find the King fast approaching him. Seems there was hardly any need for his cane today, “Ah, there you are, I need to talk to you about the ceremony.”

Dan withheld the urge to swallow air, though his blood ran cold as he’d approached. Hopefully, this concern wasn’t anything serious, or worse, detrimental to his career as a soldier and eventual Captain! “And what might be the issue?” he’d asked rather meekly.

“It’s the entertainment you’d requested, don’t you think having live elephant dragons and jugglers might be a bit much?” The King wondered.

“Nonsense!” relieved, Dan forced a hearty laugh, “Tonight has to be grand, I’d love for everyone to have a good time, a large spectacle such as this could be passed down for generations to come!”

“Well with that logic, how could I possibly argue?” The King agreed, “Oh and, when shall we start opening bottles of wine? It wouldn’t hurt to do a bit of tasting before the party.”

Ah, see right there, that’s where it all started going wrong. Sadly, in that moment, Dan saw no issue with this, “I knew it,” He’d tease, “I see why not, a little liquid courage could do some of us good – get any nerves out.”

“Splendid, I’ll have some bottles opened up right away, I’ll have one sent up to your room.” The King promises, then going on his merry way.

Dan quickly slips into his chambers to get ready; that was a close one. It’s fortunate for him that the King was a bit of a yes man, though perhaps a bit unfortunate for others. Not that King Peregrin was incompetent, but he could do well to say no every now and then. 

First, to open a window and let a little fresh air in, plus, it was cool enough outside and it might get stuffy in his new armor! Speaking of which, he’d better get changed into his armor for the ceremony, he’d asked for armor to be custom made; he hadn’t asked for much, just something that was both formal and ceremonious. However, this was lost in translation as what was presented to him was nothing short to technicolor vomit. His fancied-up armor was a lighter shade of purple, with bright green and…hm, he couldn’t tell if the shoulder pads and helmet were raspberry or rouge, but it clashed with the voluminous blue and green plumes. 

The helmet was all wrong at that; he’d specifically asked for a burgonet when this was clearly a bascinet! Honestly, if whoever made this wanted him to look like a peacock on his promotion day, they’d sure as hell succeeded in doing so! This had to be some sort of joke, right? While Dan wasn’t well known for his taste in fashion, even he knew he couldn’t walk out wearing that! He’d be a laughing stock! Time to dig through his closet then, see if he couldn’t scrounge up anything appropriate for the ceremony. 

Mutton sleeves and landsknecht trousers? Screams, “punch me!”

How about he makes a statement and opt for a surcoat? No, though he really must wear that surcoat at some point!

So, something breathable then, he could also be humble and wear a simple tunic…but then it’d go against the theme of grand and spectacular, even if this went against the grain.

Aha! Nothing red doublet and black trousers couldn’t solve; he’d always thought himself good in red. Finally, once ready, he’d inspect himself in the mirror and he liked what he saw. His hair had to be brushed back and it’d completed the look, shame he couldn’t wear his armor like he’d wanted, but perhaps he could make do with one minor change. A knocking upon his chamber door signaled him to turn around, ah that must be the wine! 

“Well, it’s about time, my throat is running a tad dry!” He’d open his door, though the expression on his face gradually shifted from excitement, to confusion, then disappointment.

Don’t get him wrong, seeing Canny Tim always brought him joy, but to see him…in the exact same outfit he was wearing?

“Good afternoon, sir! I’d heard we were doing a bit of wine tasting, so I thought I’d bring you a bottle! Are you excited for your big promotion?” The marksman’s smile hadn’t faltered, though he rarely did so as he was usually jubilant. 

Dan took a deep breath, clearly annoyed, “Tim, Timothy, what are you wearing?”

Finally, it’d registered in his mind that the two were dressed the exact same manner; only he’d opted for a red tabard to pair with black leggings, and what’s more, the lad had accessorized accordingly with a red hat with a single yellow plume! Dan had to admit, Tim looked a lot better than he did.

“Huh? Oh! I hadn’t noticed until now! Though, I’d thought you were going to wear your custom-made armor?” He’d tried to take a peek inside the room, but was blocked when Dan moved to the side.

“Change of wardrobe was necessary, Tim,” Dan reasoned, “And I’d thought we’d agreed on color coordination? I wear red, you wear green?”

“Well yes, but I thought I’d cast that aside to show my best friend support! And what better way than to wear his favorite color?” Tim grinned, chipper as ever and failing to notice his future Captain’s apparent irritation. 

“Tim, we’ve been through this before, I wear red, this is my color.”

“Yes, but I don’t believe you own the color itself—”

Dan would roll his eyes, quick to silence his companion by simply placing a hand over his mouth. Canny Tim was known for a few things; an archery prodigy, great musical prowess, even a damn good cook if the opportunity presents itself! But good lord, can he run his mouth! You’d swear each time he spoke, it was as if his mouth was going a mile a minute! 

“Go change.” He commanded, then removed his hand.

Though there was disappointment in his eyes, Tim nonetheless obeyed the command, nodding and handing Dan the bottle of wine before silently walking off. Suddenly, guilt crept in. And it was too late to apologize, as soon as his legs forced him to step outside the room and he’d opened his mouth to call him back over, Tim was already long gone – he was pretty quick on his feet, daresay even faster than Dan. Perhaps he shouldn’t have been so sharp with him, he’d have to make it up to him later. 

“Oh, he got sparkling wine.” Made sense, it was only reserved for special occasions. 

He’d go back into his room, then set down the bottle on a table. Damn, Tim wanted to pregame the ceremony with him, though, maybe he wouldn’t mind if he had one drink while he waited for him to come back? Let’s see, where to find that bottle opener? He could’ve sworn he’d had one in here somewhere! Dan would kneel down to check some of the drawers, which turned up empty, but hey! He found one of his old codpieces in there…to which he proceeded to slam the drawer shut. Never again.

With most practical locations checked off the list of possibilities, Dan would resort to a different method. He’d seen this performed during a banquet the King was hosting a few months back, when there was no bottle opener to be spoken for, the next best tool in his arsenal would be a blade! Dull or sharp, supposedly the buildup would cause the cork to pop right open!

Only problem with this, was that when Dan tried to replicate the movements, nothing happened. Maybe he didn’t hit the right spots? 

He’d turn the bottle towards himself, “The hell is wrong with this stupid bottle?” Though, just as he was about to try again, the cork would pop out at great velocity as Dan then shouted in pain. He was only lucky enough to have closed his eyes in the nick of time, though the impact didn’t make it hurt any less, it felt like getting punched directly in the face! Dan stumbled backwards, flopping onto the couch and dropping the wine, shattering the bottle and spilling its contents all over a brand-new rug he’d purchased days ago. 

Tim was only just returning from his own chambers, now donning a green tabard and hat, complimented with a pair of gloves, when he’d heard the pained cry of his friend. In a panic, he’d rush into Dan’s chambers, “Dan? What happened? Are you alright?”

“My eye,” Dan whined, still clutching the left side of his face while twisting about his seat, “Bloody thing got me eye!” 

“What, what caught your eye?” Tim tried to move Dan’s hands away from his face to observe the damage.

Shit, can’t say the cork got him, that wouldn’t be a compelling story. It’d be telling the truth, sure, but it’d sour the mood further by leaving Tim with the impression that maybe his future Captain wasn’t all that bright. Better think on something quick! 

“A fairy!” Dan claimed, “Those obnoxious, mischievous little sprites! One had hidden in my chambers to steal from me!” Ooh, good lie, keep it up! “Bastard punched me and made me drop my wine, now we get none!”

“A fairy?” Tim cried in alarm, then frantically looking around the room, a possible threat? On his best friend’s promotion day? Then noticing the open window, Tim gestured to it, “Seems he’d already fled, some nerve he had, to barge in unceremoniously! Ha! Now,” his voice softened, “Let’s see what the damage is shall we? Couldn’t have punched too hard, given how tiny their fists are.” 

Dan allowed his friend to move his hands away, “How does it look?”

Tim winced, trying to play it off with a smile and a laugh, “Oh, it’s not too bad, sir!” Unlike Dan, Tim was horrible at lying.

And Dan knew right away, “You’re so full of shit,” he groaned, “How bad is it?”

“Oh dear…” Tim frets, as he’d find a handheld mirror on the table, passing it over to Dan. His forced grin would crack as Dan would gasp loudly, oh no. 

Well, that “fairy” had given Dan a nice new shiner!

“ NOOOOOOO!! ” His scream spilled out the room and his window, echoing throughout parts of the castle. 

“I guess he punches harder than we’d thought!” Tim laughed nervously, “It- it’s not that bad, really!” Though, his attempts to bring his spirits back up were futile.

“No, you don’t understand! I can’t go out looking like this, everyone in the entire kingdom is going to be there and this takes weeks to clear up! We have to cancel!” Dan overreacts. 

“Cancel?” The archer shook his head, “Oh no, no, no, I don’t know if we can, your father has already paid the deposit on the caterer, sir!”

“Fuck!” Dan panicked, “What the fuck are we going to do? The ceremony starts in an hour, I’m doomed!”

“Oh no, hang on now! I’m sure there’s something I can do!” Tim reassured, pondering for a moment before snapping his fingers, “I’ve got it! Let me grab a brush, it’s a good thing you’ve grown out your hair, sir! Remember the bowl cut?”

“Who could forget it?” Dan sighed, “That is the last time I ever trust my barber to surprise me with something new.”

With a chuckle, Tim would retrieve the brush, taking a section of his friend’s dark locks, he’d brush it to go right over the shiny new black eye. The archer muttered to himself as he worked, he wouldn’t exactly consider himself a stylist by no means – a haircut like this required less maintenance, though this was an emergency and Dan needed to look at least decent for the ceremony. While there could be some questioning, and perhaps a bit of difficulty in depth perception, there was a story behind the injury. When he finished, he motioned for Dan to look in the mirror again. The corners of his lips curled into that of a brilliant smile, the archer hadn’t realized he’d been holding in his breath until now.

“Tim, you’re my hero.” Dan said relieved, “Is there anything you can’t do?”

“Just doing what I can to help, sir!” Tim beamed, “It’s a shame we won’t get to try the wine.”

“Not to worry, there’ll be plenty more at the afterparty,” Dan pats his friend on the shoulder, “But first, we need to get the ceremony out of the way.”

The archer agreed wholeheartedly, but now that the situation had seen its resolution, he now noticed the god-awful armor standing all by its lonesome just by the vanity, “Uh, sir? Is that your armor?” he cringed, “It looks awful! ”

“You say one word about this to anyone and I swear I will have you mucking out the stables for a month.” Dan glowered.

Unfortunately, the problems only continued to tack on from there. Dan would first notice the faint blushing on some of the attendees’ faces, perhaps it was for the better that he hadn’t partaken in any wine, or else he would’ve been sloppy when walking down the aisle! Seems that the only ones sober would be himself, Tim, and the King, correct? No, just Tim and Dan, as when the knight knelt before the King, he’d be put off by hearing the old man hiccup.

“Your highness?” Dan lifts his head a little, “Oh no...”

It was comical seeing the old man inebriated, though if this weren’t at the most important day of his life, then he would’ve been giggling along. The King had only meant to take a few sips, which then turned into one goblet, and because that bottle was so good, he had to have another! And this was the end result, a King who couldn’t seem to stand up straight, plus nearby guards that were just as drunk as he was, and thus unable to catch him if he’d stumbled terribly enough to lose balance. And with the way he was holding a sword, that was just asking for trouble.

“Do you need a moment?” Dan queried.

“No, I sit down, I might close my eyes! And then I’ll miss the ceremony, and I won’t get to see my best soldier being promoted to Captain!” The King failed to see the logic here.

“Your highness… you’re the one promoting me.” Dan corrected.

“Ah, well hold still then, both of you.” The King gripped onto the handle of his sword tightly, then raised it high above his head. The only other closest sober person in the room seemed to lift his head and his eyes widened with excitement, meanwhile Tim gasped and was about to step in and intervene.

“Just a tap on the shoulders is fine!” Dan panicked.

“Oh.” King Peregrin blinked, slowly lowering the weapon, and once at a safe level, he’d tap Dan’s left shoulder, “I, King Peregrin, do name you, Sir Daniel Fortesque, as the new…uh…”

“Captain of the Royal Guard.” Tim finished, his voice above a whisper.

King Peregrin nods in understanding before concluding, “Yes, Captain of the Royal Guard!” He’d tap the other shoulder, “May you protect this kingdom, and oversee my army with as much courage, duty, strength, and honor.” The tip of the blade got too close to the fabric, as when he’d lifted it, both would hear a slight rip. He’d gasp lightly, “Oops, apologies, Sir Fortesque.”

Dan fought the urge to facepalm, while he was at least grateful to have requested a short and sweet ceremony – now cut even shorter due to the current state of the King, as well as the rest of the guests in attendance, this was not how he’d envisioned his promotion to proceed. 

“…that’s it, right?” The King whispered to a taller figure, the one who’d hoped to see Dan skewered before a live audience.

Zarok, the Court Magician, would heave in annoyance, “Yes, sire.”

“Great!” The King tossed the sword to the side, luckily without it hitting anyone but startling a few that sat in the front row, “Your new Captain, everyone!” The room erupted in a roar of applause, as well as a few hats tossed into the air. 

Dan stood up as the crowd began to disperse, no doubt they’d be making a beeline for the open bar sponsored only by House Fortesque. His thoughts were interrupted with a tap on the shoulder, and turning around, he’d face a rather giddy Canny Tim, who threw himself at him in a warm embrace.

“Congratulations, Captain Fortesque! I’m so happy for you!” He’d laugh, “A little dodgy in the middle part there, but at least it was over quickly! How do you feel?”

Dan patted him on the back, “It feels great!” Ceremony was obviously a bust, but that could’ve gone worse! 

“I can’t tell who’s more of a fool, you for even thinking yourself remotely worthy of your position, or the King for not choosing to slice you into ribbons.” Came the slithering voice of Zarok.

Dan rolled his eyes, “Not like I’d care what you’d think.”

“I’m just saying, it could’ve been more entertaining.” The Sorcerer grinned devilishly, sending a chill down the archer’s spine. It was never a good sign whenever he smiled, at least when Tim did it, people were smiling with him! “I can just imagine your epitaph, “Sir Daniel Fortesque, cut down at the height of his career!”” As he’d then proceed with a mocking laugh.

“Well from now on, you shall address me as Captain Fortesque! And you’d best believe that I’ll be keeping a closer eye on you!” Dan puffs out his chest in order to look brave, when in reality, he was doing his damnedest to not tremble in his boots.

“Ah yes, I look forward to it, my Lord Captain of the King’s croquet team!” Zarok sneers with a low bow, then turning on his heels to exit the hall with the rest of the party.

“Oh, pay him no mind!” Tim huffed, “I swear, if I wasn’t an archer and could do some hocus pocus like he could, I’d surely turn him into a big, fat, ugly dragon toad!”

“Nonsense, Tim!” Dan chuckled, “You’d only want to use that magic to make people happy! And besides, that’s an insult to dragon toads. He’s just scared that I might catch him doing something he ain’t supposed to.”

“That’s true,” The skinny archer agreed, “He really is the most awful git, isn’t he?”

“You could say that again.” As the Captain crosses his arms.

“Fine, he really is the most awful git!” Tim giggled.

“Alright, you Canny little bastard,” Dan smirked, “What say we have some drinks?”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Tim applauded, following his Captain out of the room.

Unbeknownst to them, Zarok had slipped off from the crowds, stealing away into the shadows. They comforted him, enveloping him like a warm hug from a loved one, as he watched the others fill into the next room to party the night away. 

“And where do you think you’re slipping off to?” Damn, King Peregrin had spotted him!

“Just to freshen up, sire,” Zarok lies, “Actually, if I may be so bold, I’d like to speak to you regarding our new Captain of the Royal Guard.”

“Oh? And what would that be?” The King swishes the wine around his goblet, and may as well take advantage of this while he is still drunk.

“Are you absolutely certain that Fortesque is the best candidate for the job? Is he really the kingdom’s greatest warrior?” Zarok questioned.

“Oh, I’m absolutely certain!” He’d huff, then taking another swig of his wine, stumbling a bit. 

Zarok held out his trident to steady him, then sighing, “Sire, I really must insist that you reconsider my chosen candidate –”

“Zarok, please , I think I know what I’m doing. While Lord Kardok does sound like a good fit, he would grow bored of the constant peace, and Fortesque can work with that.” King Peregrin reasoned, about to take another swig when he’d noticed his goblet was empty, “Aw…look, my decision is final, I’ll see you at the feast, now I need to get another drinky of the wine-o.” As he’d turn around and, not so gracefully, leave Zarok to his lonesome. 

Fools, the lot of them, he couldn’t stand them, not even for their simple and peaceful ways. It just wouldn’t do in his book, no, as one day he’d lord over the masses and for once, they’d know what fear was like! And he’d start by exposing this so-called Captain for the fraud he knew he was! He never liked him; and now that he was the new Captain of the Guard, in addition to being the King’s favorite, undoubtedly he was going to be a rather large thorn in his side. The King had to be an imbecile to think that Fortesque was this legendary hero, him and the rest of the fools living in this hunk of stone they called a castle!

He'd had it all organized, if there weren’t any delays this evening, then this could all be over by midnight! The captain will be immediately stripped of his title, perhaps even thrown into exile once the King finally opens his eyes to his own foolishness, and perchance Fortesque’s ineptitude and inexperience to defend the people he’d sworn to protect would have him finally reconsider. The captain of the royal guard had to be stern, fierce, intimidating, and maybe even willing to throw the kingdom under the carriage. For now, he’d do well to observe the masses as they drank to their heart's content, getting lost in the madness that Fortesque dared to call “entertainment”. 

The jugglers that Dan had requested gulped when their clubs and rings were set ablaze, but they couldn’t back out of a big pay day and the audience demanded entertainment. And nothing was worse than a buzzed crowd, which usually meant no restraint. Their hands would be quick as they tossed the lit objects into the air, their eyes and hands fixated on what would be essentially a never-ending loop. And this wouldn’t sit well with the elephant dragons that were brought in that morning, though as long as the flames were kept at a distance, things should be alright.

Within the hour, however, it seemed that it would become less likely. Guests had gotten trashed, some could barely stand, let alone walk a few feet before stumbling into the shrubberies outside! Captain Fortesque had himself a few drinks already, feeling the warmth spread across his face and that lighter than air, happy feeling at the pit of his stomach. The stress of planning this day was slowly washing away, he could feel that too! Canny Tim, however, was still nursing a tankard of ale, he’d chosen to go a bit lighter in comparison to the others, but really, he knew that if he drank too fast, his stomach would be doing somersaults and he had yet to put away something else besides bread. And speaking of a feast, the caterers had only just wrapped up serving, as the chime of the dinner bell would signal the party. Their heads turning in the direction of the sound as if they were nothing more than common barnyard animals, the promise of nourishment, added with the enticing aromas urged them into the dining hall to feast. 

“No, bad dog! Down, down boy!” A chef lifted a large platter away from an equally large dog. Its fur was scruffy and parts gray and black, and its tail wagged with glee as the smell of what was presumably a roast boar lay underneath the domed lid.

“Lupo! Here boy!” Dan managed to whistle, kneeling down as the dog suddenly fixated on its owner. Grateful that the attention was now on the new captain, the chef would quickly set the tray down on an empty spot on the table.

Unfortunately, Lupo was not yet aware that he was no longer a puppy, but still nonetheless acted as one, as he’d bound over to him. Dan realized his mistake when seeing this 180-pound wolfhound barreling towards him, knocking him down and also the wind out of him, then proceeding to wet his face with puppy kisses. 

“Tim, Tim, help me! I’m being attacked by a wolf dog!” Dan cried.

Tim failed to suppress a laugh, “Oh dear, Lupo, would you like a snack?” He avoided using the word, “treat”, lest all hell break loose.

Rest assured, while there was a meal being prepared just for the pampered pooch, a snack was necessary to keep him at bay. Tim would grab an apple off the table, with a dagger, he’d skillfully core and slice it into equal pieces before setting them on the floor. Lupo went nuts, giving a bark before scampering over to messily devour the slices. You’d swear he left enough drool to stain the carpet. The archer would help Dan up, the captain dusts himself off.

“Keep that up, and I might have you promoted to second-in-command by midnight.” Dan smirked.

Tim gasped loudly, “Really? A promotion?”

“Yes, now let’s eat! I’m starving!” Dan groaned, going over to his seat. 

The food was in abundance; aside from the plates and silver cutlery, the table was filled from end to end with rich meats, smoked and seasoned to perfection, along with steamed or sauteed vegetables. There were dishes, sweet and savory courtesy of Gallowmere’s favorite foodstuffs: pumpkins! Yes, pumpkins were aplenty in this feast; pumpkin bread, pumpkin cake, pumpkin pie, pumpkin soup, pumpkin chili, roasted pumpkin and spinach salad, roasted pumpkin with cranberry and pecans, pumpkin beef stew, creamy pumpkin parmesan chicken, pumpkin pot pie, and who could forget the pumpkin risotto! Lord Cedric Fortesque had spared no expense for his son’s big day, though may the deities that watch over them all help his aching wallet should Dan ever decide to get married. 

The King would join them, seated at the near end of the table, just adjacent to the captain’s seat. Seems he was having a good time, “Congratulations on your promotion, Sir Fortesque, I knew I made the right choice by having you lead our army!”

“It really is an honor, my most glorious liege!” Dan nodded politely.

“It’s a shame there hasn’t been a war to plague the land in ages, not that I’d wish for war, but I would’ve loved to see you in action, just like in your stories! But I’m sure you’ll find ways to pass the time,” The King shook his head, “Oh and you’ll be needing a second-in-command, so just let me know when you’ve made your decision.”

“Of course, your highness.” Dan agreed, grabbing for a goblet of wine before chugging its contents. He’d hoped that he wouldn’t have to endure any battles for the rest of his life, with any luck, he could pass the time by organizing the changing of the guard and playing croquet with the king. 

“Brown noser.” Dan would hear someone cough.

Dan glared at the source of the noise, of course Woden the Mighty, even while somewhat intoxicated, would still have the sense to give the new captain some bombastic side eye. It was a mutual dislike between the two, though never too serious, as Dan often kept his distance and Woden kept his fists uncurled. Before Fortesque, it was Woden the Mighty who was the captain of the guard, and it’s said their mutual disdain for the other began at basic training. Woden had expected this scrawny, bowl cut loser – who still required his mother’s maid to tie his bootlaces for him, would fail tremendously and be sent packing back to Daddy’s estate in tears and covered in boo-boos. And yet, here they are now! 

Dan had surely come a long way in terms of physical attributes, and while normally, Woden would be proud of such a marvelous metamorphosis, something about him just seemed off. Dan was quite notorious for somehow getting all his tasks done quicker than most others. Like, the time he’d instructed Dan to muck out the royal stables, he’d expected Dan to be at this for at least a whole afternoon, but when he’d returned from a game of croquet with the King, he’d discovered that Dan had not only finished the cleanup after just a few hours, but was doing donuts in the fields with his horse! Any attempts to break Dan down, he’d somehow rise to the occasion and be looking down at Woden with such a smug grin, it was unbearable! He had to have been doing something when his back was turned! The only thing he’d ever actually seen Dan do was schmooze up to the King, telling many tall tales, each one getting more ridiculous than the last. 

When it came time for Woden to retire from the royal guard to focus more on hero work, he’d realized his mistake too late that this idiot would be the one to replace him. Suppose that even with it mostly being an era of peace, their captain would reflect upon that. After all, Woden was better suited for battle and constant action. And his companions appeared to agree, though they too were busying themselves with the feasting and overall festivities of the evening. 

Karl Sturnguard and Dirk Steadfast were leaning against each other, goblets of wine in their hands as they swayed back and forth in their seats, singing incomprehensibly and laughing hard enough to make their sides sore. Their weapons had all but been cast aside for the evening, after all, this was meant to be a happy occasion, no fighting necessary! Even Bloodmonath Skull Cleaver, who was usually one to itch like he was going through withdrawals, had found solace in regaling the tales in which he’d had a pile of dead strewn around him. 

His eyes would fixate on Canny Tim, then shouting, “Hey! Little Sparrow! Come over here, I need music!” Why did he always find it necessary to scream? Who knows, maybe he was too quiet as a child and having restrained his volume boiled over into adulthood. 

Tim gulped, he’d hoped that he’d at least finish his meal, but suppose there was enough nourishment to entertain a few listeners with musical accompaniment. He’d set his lute somewhere around here or there, and as he’d go over to retrieve it, Lupo had grown restless. The apple had not fully satisfied him, and he was still very hungry! And look! Someone had carelessly left their plate unattended! 

Hearing the slobbering noises, Dan cocked his head to the side, “Damn, Tim! I knew the food was good, but you’re eating like a—” He’d now noticed the dog scarfing down his friend’s plate, “Hey, no! Bad dog! That’s Tim’s food! Ugh, you’re getting drool all over the table!” He’d try to push the dog off the chair, but Lupo was determined to keep his butt on that seat, tail now wagging furiously as he attempted to finish it all. All the while, the King was laughing at the scene, this is precisely why he preferred the company of a kitty cat. In fact, his growing cat colony was all in another room enjoying their supper, out of the way of any possible dangers either from careless guests, or from a rather excitable Irish Wolfhound. 

“Fortesque, get your slavering hound off the table!” Zarok glared, lifting his plate and goblet away as the dog attempted to reach for it, his body stretched forward and his tongue flicked around. The sorcerer had only but joined the feast right after hearing the dinner bell, and while he hadn’t selected much – truth be told, he wasn’t a fan of pumpkin and had been picking at the salad, he would rather swallow his pride than allow this beast to devour the only half-decent dish he could find.

“It’s a work in progress!” Dan yelled.

Meanwhile, Karl would lift the lid containing the roasted boar, the smell wafted through the air and seeped into his helmet, it’s a wonder how he was able to eat or drink with him constantly wearing it. Him and Dirk intended to hack off a few pieces, and should go good with their drinks. Lupo, now sniffing the air and turning his head to see the roast boar, oh hey, I remember you! The delicious meat! 

Dan struggled to keep hold of his hound, but alas, once Lupo had set his eyes on a target, there was no going back now. It took some wild thrashing on Lupo’s end, though eventually he broke free and climbed onto the table, and as he rushed towards the boar, he’d be stepping into dishes, knocking over plates and cups, before snatching the boar right as Karl had managed to carve a single slice for himself. 

Karl was unable to fully process this sudden movement, “What just happened?”

“Thief!” Dirk points in the direction of Lupo, off the table and trotting out of the dining hall with the boar being dragged along. 

“Sorry, sorry! I’ll get it back!” Dan promised as he’d run past them, “Lupo! Bad dog! Criminal!” Lupo, now hearing his owner’s voice growing louder, would break into a run. 

Canny Tim, who’d turned from another corridor to re-enter the dining hall with his lute, would hear the commotion and think nothing of it. He was already too used to Lupo causing trouble, though, he might want to rethink that as soon as he saw the mess. While there were only a few salvageable and untouched dishes left, it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy the guests. There were some who’s wine had spilled over thanks to Lupo’s running across the table, ruining their best clothes. And then you’ve got others like Karl and Dirk, who didn’t ask for too much out of this evening, just for a nice piece of meat that they’d waited practically all day to enjoy, only for it to be stolen. And thus, both were reasonably upset, daresay that once Dan returns with the thief and its stolen goods, there wouldn’t be anything left for them to eat.

“I really must stop entering rooms post-chaos.” Tim muttered to himself, it seemed like musical accompaniment would no longer be necessary, in fact, he’d nearly dropped his lute when Karl shouted at him, “What’re you standing around for, skinny? Use those spindly legs of yours and get that boar!”

“Yes, sir!” Tim saluted, not wanting to disappoint the hero, then scrambling out of the room, almost tripping over himself as he ran down the hall to catch up with Dan and Lupo.

The King, in the meantime, had just come down from a laughing fit. It was such a humorous display, seeing the dog running around and stealing off of Gallowmere’s finest heroes! “What an entertaining display! I haven’t laughed this hard in ages, wouldn’t you agree, Zarok?” King Peregrin would grin at the sorcerer, as the king’s chalice was once again filled to the brim with more wine. 

“I could hardly contain myself.” Zarok deadpans.

Dan felt himself sober up quickly, the adrenaline rush from having to chase his dog around the castle at least made it so he’d capture Lupo. Scooping him up in his arms, Lupo whined and growled, he wasn’t prepared to let go of the boar, not ever! Tim jogged over, Dan nodded to the archer to tear the boar away from the dog, which wasn’t going to be easy. In hindsight, this all could’ve been avoided had the chefs just served Lupo first. 

“Pull harder, Tim!” Dan commanded.

“I’m trying, sir!” Tim grunted, “Come on, Lupo, let go!”

The dog continued to growl at the archer, it seemed there was only one way this game of tug o’ war would end, and it came with the sound of tearing. Tim found himself holding the rest of the boar, while Lupo had the head. It’s a good thing the beast was already dead and cooked to perfection, otherwise this would’ve been a lot gorier than intended. 

“Well, this saves the trouble of cleaving off the head!” Tim reasoned, “Though, perhaps Lupo could have at least the head? Come on, he was hungry!”

Dan sighed, “Fine…” He’d look down at Lupo, who’s eyes were wide, brimming with joy and his tail wagging happily. The knight was less than pleased, but at least it was over.

Returning to the dining hall, Tim would deliver the boar to Karl and Dirk, never mind the fact that the beast had basically been dragged around by Lupo, their stomachs begging for nourishment! He’d almost returned to his seat, when he felt someone tapping his shoulder. 

“Little Sparrow, you brought your lute? ” Bloodmonath then noticed the instrument, which had a crossbody strap, “ Good! I need music!” Then, dragging Tim by the arm and leading him away.

Dan plopped back down onto his seat with a sigh, “Glad that’s over.”

“Hey, where’s the head?” Karl called.

“Lupo has it!” Dan answered, not even bothering to look over.

The party would continue on as normal, with the heroes getting more and more drunk as the wine flowed like a river, and it wouldn’t be long until some had begun to drop like flies. While it was funny to watch Bloodmonath suddenly collapse face first into a bowl of pumpkin soup, he needed to be moved so that he wouldn’t accidentally drown. Dan just held his head in his hands as time passed by.

To say the knight was upset was an understatement. In truth, he was disappointed and even frustrated, as things weren’t going according to plan. This was supposed to be his special day, and now look at what’s happened! Every detail, down to the last drop of wine, had all but gone horribly wrong! First his armor was all wrong, then it was getting a black eye, then nearly getting cleaved by a drunk King Peregrin at the ceremony, and now the feast was ruined! It was all going to shit and Dan could feel the pressure building up again; if there was any luck to be had, this night could still be salvaged by the time the fireworks show started, though the chances of that happening were slim to none. 

Could this night get any worse?

Anyone with common sense should know that even if it's an internal monologue, you should never ask how things could get any worse! Fate has both a sick sense of humor, not to mention immaculate timing. For example, the King’s earlier concerns over the jugglers and the elephant dragons would prove to become a reality. 

Outside of the party and inside one of the towers, a scout was slowly failing his diligent duty of keeping watch, if the bottle of rum in hand wasn’t enough of an indicator. Hey, tonight was a special occasion and the surrounding area was clear, not to mention there wasn’t a cloud in the sky! Well, nothing except for the incoming ship! Wait.

Cannon fire began the second they were close enough to the castle, one of which hitting the walls, the stones crumbled and fell into a pathetic heap. Those inside the castle would raise alarm by screaming at the top of their lungs. The sound had reached into the courtyard, as well as the vibrations that came from the cannon fire, affecting the jugglers outside. A careless toss from one juggler caused all the objects to come crashing down, with one managing to catch its costume on fire. The lit-up entertainer screamed bloody murder as he proceeded to run around the courtyard, scaring off spectators. The panic soon reached into the dining hall, if the noises and sudden vibrations weren’t enough to startle them. The King and Daniel were the first to notice, with the latter groaning as he knew things were only going to continue down this spiral of chaos. 

And what’s more was the alarmed trumpeting from one of the elephant dragons, as it’d rear back like a horse and begin to flee in a panic, with others following suit. 

The juggler, amidst his screaming and running around, had mistakenly walked past some unlit fireworks, setting them off. His suffering would be short-lived, as soon as he was able to locate a nearby fountain, he’d swan dive for it. Sure, it’d result in a concussion, though the waters were shallow enough to where he wouldn’t drown, and it’d douse the flames in an instant. 

Fireworks would be launched into the air, some coming dangerously close to the ship. The captain of this air-traveling vessel draws out his sword, mistaking it for shots being fired back, “Attack!” he commanded. On cue, crewmen would take ropes and swing down, landing safely onto the cobblestones, some had already begun chasing down a few shrieking noblewomen that were dressed to the nines in ermine furs and fine jewelry. 

“What in the blazes is going on out there?” The King frowned. He was going to consider calling upon the heroes to investigate, though why do that when he had a one-man army seated right by him? “Captain, go check the courtyard!” 

“Yes, sire.” Dan begrudgingly got up, then jogged outside. He was not in the least bit prepared for the scene that was unfolding right in front of him, “Oh no, no, no, no, no!!” He’d panic.

Pirates! A bloody handful of them were robbing the people blind, chasing them down and snatching whatever shiny objects were on their person, whether it be rings, necklaces, medals, hell even a woman’s golden hair that had been done up into a ponytail would be given a hack job, the pirate making off with the cleaved off ponytail; suddenly that lady would be running after him with fire in her eyes and screeching like a banshee. The juggler that had been lit on fire was unconscious in the fountain, elephant dragons were running around the castle, some escaping the courtyard to unknowingly terrorize more of its residents, as made evident by the screaming. The cherry on top? A fire had begun to spread, setting some tablecloths and shrubberies ablaze. One nobleman who had collapsed into the shrubberies in a drunken stupor would be the next unfortunate soul to be lit on fire, suddenly jumping forward and screaming, only he wasn’t too smart to run to the fountain but instead bump past the startled captain and inside the dining hall; cue more screaming.

“Fortesque!!” The King shouted, sounding not so jolly this time.

The pirate captain ordered more cannon fire, the next wall to come crumbing down would lead him straight to the dining hall. Stepping into the room with a smug look on his face, He’d signal for more of his men to enter and cause mayhem. “Grab what you can, the castle’s ours!”

King Peregrin looked over to his heroes, “What’re you all doing? We’re under attack!” But not seeing any of them move made him pale, realizing his mistake, “They’re not listening to me!”

“That’s because they’re too drunk! Some heroes they are! Sire, we must get you somewhere safe!” Zarok feigned concern, to which the monarch nodded and quickly rose from his seat to follow the sorcerer. Fortesque should take care of the mess, he trusted his skills! Though, he had no idea that Zarok was leading him into more danger.

Canny Tim, one of the few sober souls left, did well to run out the room to find Dan, he’d know what to do! Something wasn’t sitting right, and that wasn’t just from the alcohol! As Zarok was leading the king out the room, he’d give a nod to the pirate.

“Captain! Pirates have invaded the castle!” Tim raised the alarm once outside.

“I know, I can see their poor excuse of a cruise ship parked nearby!” Dan shouted back, in that time, he’d managed to climb onto the backs of one of the elephant dragons in an attempt to try and soothe the creature, though they’re much different from a horse, and weren’t so easily swayed. “Come on, beastie, calm down, will ya?” 

The elephant dragon trumpeted and reared back once more, Dan losing his grip on the creature and getting kicked off. He’d be sent screaming back onto the ground, Tim rushed to try and catch him, though miscalculated – Dan was a much larger man in comparison to the archer, as the knight would crash right into him. 

“Thanks for the save, mate!” Dan gave a thumbs up, “Another happy landing!”

“Really sir? Yaaaayyyy….” Tim weakly gave a thumbs up back, a bit dazed from the impact, “Would you mind it if I closed my eyes for a second? I think I’m seeing stars.”

“Come on, come on, don’t you dare pass out on me!” Dan huffed, getting up and hoisting his friend up to his feet, “So much for a perfect night…wait. Where’s the King?”

“Last I saw him; he was being led out the room.” Tim reported.

“By whom?” Dan’s brows furrowed.

Seems like both soldiers would be met with another scream, this one coming from the King, they’d turn their heads just in time to see the old man being carried off by pirates. “Let go of me, you cads!” King Peregrin struggled against his bonds, “Fortesque!!” He’d cry out.

“Ohhh… oh, we’re so fired.” Dan gulped.

“King Peregrin!” Tim’s eyes widened, “You must save him, Captain!”

“Me?” Dan repeated, “Save him?” 

“Yes! Who knows what sort of horrible plans that pirate captain has in store for him, though for the moment, I believe we’ve got company!” Tim noticed a handful of men surrounding them, armed and dangerous. It’s a shame he’d forgotten his crossbow back in his chambers, but suppose if he could slip past without getting skewered, caught on fire, or trampled to death, then perhaps he could make a difference. 

Dan on the other hand, was mostly trying not to soil his britches as he faced down the pirates, “Shit.”

“A brilliant strategy would be very much appreciated! Captain?” Tim took a step back, one of the cutlasses drawn out was getting too close for comfort. And what’s more, they’d just so happened to be edging closer to a ledge, the bottom would lead to an entrance area, which no doubt was currently being destroyed by rampaging elephant dragons. It wouldn’t seem so bad, except that keeping in mind, the castle was situated above a mountain top and the structure called for high walls and ceilings, and falling off there could result in either critical injury or even death if you don’t land properly.

Frantically, Dan looked around the area, there was so much screaming as the fire continued to spread into the castle. If the other heroes don’t sober up and get out of there – if they were still there at all, they’re fried! And what of the King? The pirate captain would surely have him walking off the plank and into a watery grave, and it’d be on him for failing to be there. All this worry piled on tremendously, along with the added pressure of having to be the hero, it was getting dangerously close to boiling over. Suddenly, the chaos around him appeared to fade into white noise. They were nothing more to him than a constant, eerie ringing in his ears that practically dug its way into his brain; not even the worried cries of Canny Tim, nor the screaming of various citizens either getting robbed or at risk of being burnt or trampled couldn’t bring him back to reality. His heart pounded madly, and so loudly he could hear it clearly.

The only thing that could bring him back to reality, however, was that Dan wasn’t yet made aware that torches lined up to illuminate the outside party area, and he’d just knocked right into one of them. Reflexes were catlike in that moment, as Dan was at least quick enough to pick it up before it hit the ground. Without a second thought, he’d point the torch at them. The pirates seemed confused at first, even amused as they laughed at him.

“What are you doing?” Tim whispered.

“Ever heard of a fight or flight response?” Dan thrust the torch forward, “Well I am a flightless bird.”

Not sure what that means, but one pirate seemed to get careless and attempted to slice at Dan, though his immediate reaction was to block the attack, the blade colliding with the iron torch handle. The knight, being twice his opponent’s height and weight, would push forward. Then, to fully get him off, he had to play a little dirty and hit just below the belt with only the toe box of his boots. The kick was swift and painful, the pirate howled in pain before collapsing onto the ground and dropping his cutlass. Tim dove to reach for it, with Dan covering for him by waving around the flames to push any other pirates back. The archer, while not much of a swordsman like his Captain, would have to make do with what he had on hand.

“We have to get into the dining hall, it’s burning to the ground!” Tim points out, “Cover me!”

But Dan was already ahead of him, charging forward with a manic battle cry, which sounded eerily like a goat’s shout. Alas, some pirates did well to stand to the side once they saw him approaching, which meant Dan was just running in a straight line without once thinking on where he was going to strike. Tim just sighed and resisted the urge to facepalm. The elephant dragon was still around, unsure of where to go as the fire was spreading, blocking off any potential exits for the poor creature. So, imagine its surprise when this madman with a torch accidentally collides with it, worsening its panic. 

Tim tried his best to keep the pirates out of his reach even as more surrounded him, allowing guests a moment to try and escape, some even running right through the flames to be able to get to the entrance of the castle. Below, the handlers were able to rush over and soothe a majority of the creatures, except they’d counted at least five, there were six last they’d checked. So then where was the last? Still in the courtyard, beyond frightened and trying not to catch fire. Seems that Dan knocking right into the beast with a torch forced it to run around again, and because it wasn’t paying attention to who or what else could be in the area, Tim would jump back as a handful of pirates would be mowed down by the creature. 

“Good thinking, Captain!” Tim applauded. 

Though there was still a massive fire, Tim and Dan had to get inside and see if there was anyone in there. Last they’d seen, most had already fled, though neither could recall seeing any of the heroes. While hesitant, seeing Tim rush into the burning building while pulling up the collar of his tabard to prevent smoke inhalation at least motivated Dan to step inside. The room was illuminated in a brilliant, bright glow of red, orange, and yellow. They could hardly see the top of the ceiling as it was covered in a thick, dark smoke. To say the heat was unbearable was an understatement, as one careless move could prove fatal, and the flames were just itching to get a lick at either one of the men. 

“Do you see anyone?” Dan shouts.

“Nothing yet, sir!” Tim reports, admittedly trying not to cough, the fabric was a bit thinner than he’d thought. 

“I can’t see a bloody thing in here!” Dan complained, backing up when the flames attempted to reach him. Though, he could at least see through the newly opened wall, that the ship was leaving its makeshift port. It wasn’t until he’d heard a familiar whine aboard that he’d shout, “That bastards got my dog!”

“Dan, wait!” Tim tried, but would then be met with a horrific coughing fit. If he couldn’t find anyone inside, it's safe to assume everyone had managed to escape, well, not everyone , as he’d come to learn. He’d nearly tripped over something, or rather, someone. “Megwynne?” Though she was unresponsive, there wasn’t any time to make assumptions. A collapse could occur any second now! He’d look around for anyone else, but it seemed like she was the only other person in the room with him. Good, that’d make things a bit easier for him. So, he’d have to carry her; having her arm around his neck while his hand was placed on her waist, Tim would take Megwynne outside and laid her beside the fountain. 

Worriedly, Tim glanced back at the castle as it went up in flames, but without smoke filling her lungs, it’d take her a moment before she’d wake up. And when she did, blinking several times to adjust her vision, she’d sat up and began to cough, Tim pats her back, “Megwynne, thank goodness you’re alright!”

“What happened?” She’d gape at the flames consuming the dining hall.

“Things got out of hand rather quickly, unfortunately, where are the others?” He’d ask.

“Last I saw them, they were leading guests out of the burning hall when I felt someone strike me in the back of the head.” She explains, “Thank you for saving my life, you’re a real hero.”

“Oh,” Tim blushed, a tad shy, “I’m no hero, but speaking of heroism, mind putting out the flames?”

“No problem.” Megwynne got up and stood back, charging up one of her signature lighting bolts as dark clouds formed around the castle, then finally sending one upwards. The result came in the form of heavy rainfall, drenching them plus anyone else out by the castle gates, the only ones who seemed to like that would be the elephant dragons, who trumped happily while guests complained. The rainfall wasn’t to last, though it was enough to at least douse the flames.

“Now, where’s Daniel?” Megwynne scanned the area for the knight, but frowning upon seeing Tim with a worried expression, “He didn’t go after those pirates, did he?”

“I’m afraid he did, I tried to stop him but someone has to rescue King Peregrin,” Glancing upwards and seeing the ship cruising through the sky, the archer then prayed, “Oh, Captain Fortesque, I hope you know what you’re doing!” 

No, no he doesn’t.

Aboard the ship, King Peregrin found himself tied against the mast, the ropes kept him securely in place though it didn’t stop him from attempting to escape his bonds. He’d look down at Lupo, who had run after them when witnessing him getting carried off to the ship. Lupo, the poor hound, had to be put on a leash made from heavy duty rope which was then tied to the mast. As much as he struggled, he too couldn’t seem to break free.

“Just you wait, I’ll soon be free of these bonds!” The King spat, “I’ve got my champion on his way to rescue me!”

“Aye? That lily-livered Fortesque with the piano key teeth?” The Pirate captain laughs, “He won’t make it, the men will scour the decks with him, methinks his armpit hair will make for a pretty new mop!”

“Believe me, you’ve no idea who you are up against!” He’d caution.

How about an idiot who, the second he’d climbed aboard the vessel, would collapse to his knees grasping his stomach and moaning about seasickness? The Fortesque’s weren’t famous for their sea legs, unfortunately. Next thing he knew, he’d be tossed into a holding cell in the brig of the ship. It was too funny to not show the ship captain later, perhaps after they’ve used the prisoners’ back hairs as a dust buster. 

“Daniel, man! They’ve got you too?” Came Dirk Steadfast.

Once Dan got up to his feet, there he’d find the other heroes in a cell across from him. It looked cramped in there, squeezing in about seven people, with one of them being a centaur taking up most of that space, didn’t make for the most comfortable sleeping arrangements. Imanzi Shongama, being as tall as she was, couldn’t stand properly as she had to make sure her head wouldn’t constantly be hitting the ceiling.

“So that’s where you lot went! Hang on, one…two…three…” Dan muttered as he counted heads, then frowning, “Where’s Megwynne?”

“Left behind, hope she wakes up in time,” Stanyer worried, “And where’s that squire lad of yours?”

“Left behind.” Dan answers, “They took my dog!”

“And the King.” Woden added with much annoyance in his tone of voice.

“We’ve been trying to bust out for the past few minutes, but this cell is tougher than a two-pence steak!” Stanyer would motion to Bloodmonath, who was rubbing his jaw. Yes, he’d gotten the idea to try and gnaw his way out, though they had to get him to stop unless he wanted to lose all his teeth. 

“And the nerve these pirates have!” Imanzi points to a crate near the doorway, in which they housed all their weapons, “Though, I get the sense that they aren’t very bright, most men aren’t, but I’m sure you can find a way out!”

Dan blushed, then leaned against the bars, “Well, I guess you could say I’m –” He’d then give a scream as the hinges gave way, the cell walls collapsing onto the ground, with the knight holding on. It took him a moment to register the fact that he’d freed himself, and so he’d stagger back up to his feet and with a goofy grin, “Ta-da…!”

“Oh, for fucks sake!” Woden rattled the bars, “Quit screwing around and get us out of here before I –”

“Save it, Woden,” Ravenhooves scolded, “I don’t see a key around here, perhaps he could use something else to get us out? And quickly, those pirates would’ve heard that noise!”

Dan would go over to the crate, rummaging through the weapons, there was quite the tasty selection here! It was like being a kid at a candy store! And it’d suddenly click that, hey, he could pick any weapon he’d wanted.

“Go for the magic sword, Dan man!” Dirk goaded, “You’ll get nowhere without it, I’m telling ya!”

“That magic toothpick won’t bust open a lock, you’d need brute force, my shield can do that!” Karl huffed.

“That weedy girls’ shield can’t do so much as lift a tea set!” Dirk argued.

“Besides, if you want brute force, you should go for my Warhammer.” Stanyer added.

“If you want to destroy the cell with us still in it! ” Bloodmonath yelled, “ We only need to break the lock, my ax can do that!”

“If you’d keep your damned voice down, Fortesque can still make a decision!” Ravenhooves glared, “Besides, he’ll need a longbow for later, much better than a crossbow.”

“Ooh, don’t let Canny Tim hear you say that, that kid has an infallible aim.” Imanzi chuckled, “But I must argue, the tip of my spear should get the lock open, without breaking it.”

Amid the arguing, Dan continued to rummage through before pulling out a sword; red and black with sharp edges. Woden began to shake his head, “Oh no, you’re not using my sword!”

“Shut your trap, Woden! That sword should be strong enough to get us out of here!” Imanzi snapped.

Though, she’d definitely be eating those words, as Dan proceeded to fiddle with the lock using the sword. Not exactly his finest moment.

“What the fuck are you doing? You’re supposed to use the sword as a sword! Not a lockpick!” Woden ranted.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Dan swung the sword downwards, he’d heard of Woden’s brand before, though had yet to learn just how powerful it was! There was a bright light as the blade collided with the iron, sparks shot out as the iron grew hotter, its mere touch was cleaving the material as if it were nothing more than butter! The door creaked open, allowing for the heroes to come tumbling out, gasping for air or stretching. 

“Finally, my neck was killing me!” Imanzi rubs the back of her neck, she then grants Dan a warm smile, “Thank you for coming to our aid, honey! I’ll be sure to give you the full extent of my gratitude when the big battle’s over.”

Dan grinned and was laughing lightly, that blush worsening until his face had turned a bright shade of red.

“Come on, lover boy, we’ve got a King to save.” Stanyer pats him on the shoulder.

Right, King Peregrin was still at the mercy of the Ship Captain, and Lupo! Poor Lupo, probably wondering where he’d gone! Despite the urgency, Dan slowly made his way to the door, the squeaking of the floorboards making him cringe each time he took a step up. Just as he was about to reach for the door and open it, it swung open, hitting the knight as waves of pirates raced downstairs, having finally registered the noises. 

And while the heroes would jump into combat, Dan would at first stumble over the impact of having the door hit him in the face. Exiting the brig and getting onto the deck, he’d wave the sword in his hand and declare, “Gimme back my dog and King you…” he then felt green in the gills, “Oh…not again!” Dan clasped a hand over his stomach; resisting the urge to vomit making some of the remaining pirates onboard laugh.

“Oi! Stop laughing at me, it’s not my fault I haven’t gotten my sea legs yet!” Dan scolded.

“I know someone who can show you how!” As a pirate took a rope and swung down, laughing and scooping the knight off the floorboards with a yell. He’d laugh harder as Dan squirmed in his grip and screamed. He’d soon come to realize, however, that this was a huge mistake. All this motion sickness, added with any alcohol in his system, to come spewing out and getting all over the pirate. 

“Ugh, gross!” The pirate complained, suddenly letting go of Dan and sending him flying towards the foremast.

Hearing his screams, the King looked up, “There he is!” King Peregrin brightened, “Captain Fortesque! Look, Lupo! It’s the Captain!” To which the dog would begin whining and trying to reach for him with his tail wagging, to no avail. 

There, he’d land face first in front of the Ship Captain, who in a moment of confusion, would nudge at the knight to see if he were out cold. The silence was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

“ This is it?” The Ship Captain was almost disappointed, “I be expecting somethin’ else!” 

Lupo would also whine, but more in a way of saying, “seriously?”

Dan got up, he was only lucky to have landed without accidentally impaling himself with the sword, “Captain…whatever your name is! I’ve come to rescue my King, and my dog! Which you STOLE! ”

“Pirate.” The Ship Captain clarified, motioning to his rustic, seafaring garb, “And, my name be–”

“En garde!” Dan yelled, suddenly charging at him.

The pirate would sigh, shaking his head before drawing out his sword, and like the iron cell down at the brig, his cutlass would be no match for Woden’s brand. His eyes nearly bulged out of his skull when he saw the sparks flying, “Holy shrimp!” His sword was nothing more than a melted down steel with a hilt and guard.

“That’s right, I’ve got Woden’s Brand, and you don’t!” Dan boasted, getting a little cocky there, huh Fortesque? Suppose if you’re going to act this arrogant, then perhaps fate should do well to confiscate that sword. And as luck would have it, that same pirate Dan had vomited on earlier would swing by, just to snatch the sword out of his hands, leaving Dan robbed blind and empty-handed. Now neither had a weapon.

“Captain, your sword?” King Peregrin piped up.

“My what?” Dan then glances at his empty hands, and gulps.

“Not such a big man now, are ya, Fortesque?” The Ship Captain tosses the remains of his cutlass away, prompting a chase around, throwing a flurry of nautical insults along the way, “I’ll have ye walk the plank for that, you bilge-sucking landlubber!” And Dan, while screaming in terror, would rush to the helm. Grabbing hold of it, he’d find himself tilting to the left. The ship would turn harshly, turning it to its side. The Ship Captain stumbled, holding his arms out to steady himself, but then found himself falling off the ship, this time, his own screams would be heard.

The remaining heroes on board would quickly grasp hold of something; whether that be part of the ship itself, or by firmly planting themselves to the floor using their weapons. The crew weren’t as fortunate, as they too would be kicked off the ship due to the sharp turn, thus plummeting to their doom. Finally, once Dan realized his error, he’d turn the wheel again in an attempt to steady it. The ship would fix its position, allowing for Dan to stand upwards.

“Captain Fortesque, you absolute genius!” If he weren’t tied to the mast, he’d surely be giving the knight a round of applause. 

“Your Highness!” Dan would rush over to untie the monarch and his dog. With that same “wine opener”, he’d saw at the ropes, cutting him loose.

“I knew you’d come to save me! Good show, man!” The King applauded.

Lupo, now freed from his evil, icky leash, would pounce at Dan ready to drown him in puppy kisses. Dan would yell, “Lupo! No! No kisses! Down, boy!” But, hearing the dog whining, he’d eventually relent, “Aw, what the hell..”  And would allow the dog to shower him with affection. After some time, he’d push the dog back down. 

“Now, let's go home!” King Peregrin pats Dan on the back, “We should make it back just in time for the fireworks show, I think!” Then noticing how crestfallen Dan became after saying that, “Oh, I’m sorry, Fortesque, I know you’ve been excited for today, but that doesn’t mean we can't salvage it!”

“It’s just, this day has been a mess from the start. But you’re right, there’s still time. Wait…who’s driving this ship?” Dan realized.

Dan, King Peregrin, and Lupo all simultaneously turned their heads to notice that the helm had been neglected long enough to notice that when Dan turned the ship around, it would be headed back to the castle. In fact, it’d be headed straight for the castle. The two men screamed, embracing the other and preparing for impact, Lupo howled in despair as the ship crashed right into what would now be left of the dining hall. Canny Tim and Megwynne rushed over to the crash site, hoping and praying to whomever was watching over them that their friends would be alright.

They’d be met with a majority of the heroes, stumbling out of the rubble as the dust settled.

“Megwynne?” Stanyer lifts his head a little, he’d been helping Ravenhooves disembark the ship.

“Ah, look everyone! Megwynne’s alright!” Ravenhooves brightened, as the others would rush over to her, relieved to see her unharmed. 

“We were assuming the worst!” Woden frowned, “Glad I was wrong for once.”

“You can thank him,” Megwynne nods at the skinny archer, “He ran right into the face of danger and pulled me out of it.”

Bloodmonath laughed – loud enough to startle a few, as he ruffled Tim’s hair, “Keep that up, Little Sparrow, and you might be welcomed into the Hall of Heroes!”

“Me? A hero?” Tim’s blush worsened, “Gosh, I can’t really see myself a hero, not unlike…” Upon seeing Dan and King Peregrin disembarking, the archer cried, “Captain Fortesque!” He’d rush over, crashing into him once more with a tight hug. 

“Easy on the grip…!” Dan winced, “I think I pulled a muscle.”

“Sorry!” Tim relinquished his grip and stood back, bowing politely in the presence of the King, “My heart glows to see that you’re unharmed, your Highness!”

“I’m just glad it’s over, now we can get back to the festivities, or,” The King observed the damage done to the hall with a frown, “Perhaps we should call it a night?”

“Not yet!” came the Ship Captain, standing in the rubble red in the face and flintlock in hand. 

“No…how did you survive?” Dan questioned.

The Ship Captain spat, “Y’think I’d let myself get tossed off me own vessel without grabbing for a rope?” He’d turn the safety off, almost chuckling to himself as Dan took a step back, “Uh, yes?”

“Wrong answer.” he’d growl, but just as he was about to pull the trigger, Tim suddenly let out a whistle.

“Lupo, treats!” 

Uh oh. Lupo howled from behind, tackling the Ship Captain to the ground, forcing him to drop the flintlock, the weapon skidding across the floor before Tim bent down to retrieve it, turning the safety back on. With a satisfied grin, Tim nodded to Lupo, “Good boy.”

Guards would fill the room, just in time for the Ship Captain to get up, and realizing there was no way out, he’d lower his head with a deep sigh and hold up his hands in defeat. As he was being led out of the room, King Peregrin crossed his arms. Serves him right! Perhaps after he’s spent some time in the dungeon, he’ll think twice before laying siege and snatching up kings. It’s a shame the party couldn’t be salvaged, the food was long gone, as were the handlers with the elephant dragons - Lord Cedric had put down a deposit for about a few hours, and no doubt the jugglers have long gone and made it safely back home, or to the infirmary for burns. 

Zarok entered the room, nursing his own injuries – a nasty blow to the back of the head, when he gasped, “Sweet Morgana! Look at this mess! Who is responsible for this?”

“Zarok, there you are, I was worried those pirates would’ve hit your head too hard!” King Peregrin greets, “Not to worry, all is well, though I’m sure we can all agree the same couldn’t be said for the castle.”

The sorcerer points an accusatory finger at Dan, “This is all your fault, Fortesque! If you hadn’t insisted on these ridiculous things, or done your duty as captain, this would never have happened!”

Woden joins in, throwing his hands up in the air, “Fucking finally! Thank you! I’ve been trying to say this all night! This bumbling buffoon nearly got us all killed tonight! I say this fool be deposed immediately! The open bar and elephant dragons were a stupid idea that should never have come into fruition!”

“Hear, hear!” Zarok nodded, “Sire, if you could once again consider my own champion, I’m sure he wouldn’t allow such chaos to be unleashed.”

“Yes, I suppose this is the fault of Sir Fortesque,” The King glances at the knight, who gulped in fear, “Having so much alcohol flowing resulted in negligence from the scouts, and the guards unable to defend against enemies, not to mention the fire and pirate attack destroyed the castle…”

Zarok and Woden both held their breath in anticipation, here it comes!

“Wait, your highness, if I may,” Tim stepped in, “Captain Fortesque’s ideas for the party were rather unorthodox, I’ll admit, but not even he could predict that things would go so horribly wrong! And, need I add that he did his duty; ensuring the guests were safe, and not to mention coming to your aid when you needed it most!”

The King’s expression softened, as he’d smile at the archer, “That’s the part I was about to get to, lad. Despite the chaos, and the damages, I must commend Captain Fortesque for rising to the occasion to save us all, and I think that’s what matters most. Don’t worry, no one’s getting fired tonight.”

Tim heaves a sigh of relief, as both Zarok and Woden stood appalled, with Zarok thinking on the many ways he was going to kill the canny little bastard and Woden with a slack jawed expression on his face, making Karl and Dirk laugh at his misery.

“Now, let’s see what the damage is, shall we?” King Peregrin clasps his hands, walking out the room.

The group had followed him in silence to assess the damages, which wasn't too bad, though they’ll definitely need to get a team of stonemasons in to repair the walls first thing tomorrow morning, free lunch and extra pay included since it’d be such short notice. The night would not end, however, without one last surprise. While investigating, they’d found that one of the cannons had destroyed a wall that revealed something rather sinister. They’d almost walked past it when they’d noticed that Tim had lingered behind to stare at it. Then, the others soon joined.

“Bloody hell…!” Stanyer gaped.

“So that’s where he went…” Dan mumbled.

Inside were the remains of what was once a man, his skeletal remains chained to a wall and his clothes faded and caked in dust and decorated with cobwebs.

Zarok took a moment to register this, those clothes looked a bit familiar, but where had he seen it? It was then that he snapped his fingers, “I remember him! Yes, he owes me money!”

“Remind me to never owe you any money.” Imanzi shuddered.

“What, you think I did this?” Zarok glanced up at the Amazonian, baffled, “If I were going to kill somebody, this was not how I’d do it.”

“How horrible!” Megwynne looked on with disapproval, “We’ll definitely need to look into that.”

“Tomorrow though,” Dan exasperated, having given up on having the perfect promotion day hours ago, “After everything we’ve been through tonight, I can’t take one more ounce of nonsense.”

“After all this, I need a drink.” Woden ran a hand through his hair.

“We need a drink.” King Peregrin agreed with a solemn nod.

“Right, I think the open bar’s still intact, I’ll get it.” Tim volunteered, quickly walking away, he didn’t want to stare at that grisly scene for any longer than he’d have to.

Pitifully, the rest of the evening would be spent sitting in the remains of the dining hall amongst the rubble, each taking a swig of their wine bottle without another word to be exchanged between them. Their clothes were singed from the fire and torn from blades, the adrenaline rush coming to a complete stop and they’d allow themselves to relax. Dan grumbled to himself, finally getting up and breaking the silence, “I’m bushed, I’m going to my chambers.”

“Hang on, hang on,” King Peregrin got up, bones and joints cracking from age and fatigue as he stretched, “I’m going too, I’ve got work to do in the morning.”

“It is getting pretty late,” Tim squints his eyes to look outside, “The stars sure are beautiful tonight though.”

“You can talk to the stars all night if you want, your sleep schedule, not mine.” Dan then waved to the other heroes, “See you at breakfast.”

“I might just put a large window instead of fixing the wall, some natural light does sound good…” The King yawned, glancing back at the large hole the ship had created from the landing.

As the King kept going on about interior design choices, Dan would stretch and begin his walk back to his room, his head spinning from the alcohol and the stress of today, raising the bottle to his lips to have another precious drink of the good stuff. No way he was going to get a do-over, his one shot at making a memorable night had all but been a bust. Guests left that evening soaked to the nines and angry, his father would surely be setting fire to his ass once he sees the bill, if he doesn’t suffer a heart attack from the fees for all the damages that had been caused that night first. 

The castle was finally settling after all that it had been through, the air was still and silent, with only the sounds of footsteps echoing through the halls. As he was heading towards his chambers, passing by the throne room, he’d hear hurried footsteps. Ah, Tim was still awake, and sober enough to run in a straight line.

“You’re in a rush, what’s happening?” Dan asked.

“Nothing, I’d just wanted to say good night, is all, and…sorry that tonight hadn’t gone as you’d planned.” Tim twists his hat in his hands, “I wish I could’ve done more.”

“Nah,” Dan disagreed, “I think you’ve done plenty enough, way more than I could possibly ask for. You’re a good friend for that, you know?”

“Have I, sir?” Tim would smile, looking back at him with such hopeful eyes.

Suddenly, the guilt creeped back into Dan’s mind, prodding him with the memory of what transpired earlier before the ceremony, as well as something King Peregrin told him earlier at the feast, which gave him an idea.

He knew exactly how he was going to make it up to him. “Actually, after everything you’ve done tonight, I’ve made my decision.” 

“Oh? What is it?” Tim wondered, tilting his head to the side ever so slightly.

“Tim, I want you to be my second-in-command.” 

Tim was starry-eyed at the news, “Really? You mean that? You’re serious?”

“Sure, after all, we work as a team, right?” Dan smirked, “And who else would I want to have by my side than my good ol’ friend, Canny Tim?”

“I don’t know what to say!”

“Say yes!”

“More than that! Sir, I’d be honored!” 

“And just for the occasion, I’ll make sure to wear green to your promotion ceremony, to show my support.” Dan winked.

“Thank you…what do I do now?” Tim stood there in shock, he’d do all that for him?

“I think you’d better tell the other lads about the good news.” Dan put a hand to his shoulder.

“...I can’t feel my legs, Dan.” Tim spoke softly, “I think I’ve gone numb.”

“That’s probably the excitement getting to your head, mate– oh shit!” Dan at first said with a chuckle, then his eyes widened as Tim fell backwards with a sigh, those reflexes kicked in again as he’d managed to catch his friend before he’d hit the ground. Shaking his head, Dan tsked, “Guess we’ll save the good news for tomorrow morning.”

After carrying Tim up to his room and putting him to bed, Dan would exit and take another drink of his wine, only to realize he’d left the bottle downstairs in the throne room; better finish that before going to bed. When he arrived, he’d pick it up, finding it exactly where he’d left it and leaning against a pillar. Finish this, and then go straight to bed, that’s what he kept telling himself. Though, as his eyelids grew heavier, the idea of going all the way back upstairs, getting dressed down, and then climbing into bed seemed exhausting. Maybe if he’d closed his eyes for a moment, nope, big mistake. All it took was for him to close his eyes…and down he goes! His hand grabbed a banner that hung next to the pillar, wrapping it around himself as a blanket, holding the now empty bottle close to his chest, drawing one wild night to a close.