Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hillview was elegantly crafted. From the lawns that weren’t mowed too close to the soil, to the topiary, to the undulating sand dunes and the trees that stood like graceful sentinels, guards that were lovely and silvery but guards all the same.

Nate crossed one leg over the other and swallowed. He felt queasy. Christian decided to admit him to an omega rehabilitation centre three days before his heat, and Nate could already feel it lurking in his body like a sickening curse. He didn’t want a stranger to fuck him. He didn’t like it in general, but if it wasn’t Christian…

He turned to look at his boyfriend, who was the perfect image of an alpha, and a beautiful man, like an angel with sharp cheekbones. Christian was named appropriately, even though he wasn’t religious, it still hinted at the angelic truth of him. Today he was dressed to look soft and approachable, and Nate looked away again, resisting to urge to fidget, because Christian didn’t like it.

He was here because Christian knew he wasn’t good enough to claim. Not good enough in bed. Not good enough to be a husband. And Nate wanted him to be happy.

So, Nate faced forward again and waited to meet the new alpha that would fuck him and train him until he was good enough. Christian had wanted to meet the alpha first, approve of him, and the rehabilitation centre said it was fine.

Nate felt like there was a mass of slugs at the back of his throat, clinging there, cold and wriggling, and he told himself he wouldn’t be sick.

‘You’re to behave,’ Christian said sternly.

‘Yes, of course, Christian,’ Nate said. ‘I’m… I’m here, aren’t I?’

Christian glared and Nate struggled not to shrink back, because Christian said it hurt his feelings, and Nate didn’t want to do that, couldn’t keep doing it. Apparently all he did was hurt Christian’s feelings.

Christian was fragile because he’d been through hard things, and Nate had never been through anything difficult at all.

‘You just had to wear all black today, didn’t you?’ Christian said.

‘I’m sorry,’ Nate said quietly. Christian had told him to wear something comfortable earlier, but Nate should have realised it didn’t mean to all black. Christian never wore all black.

‘I don’t even know if they’ll accept you. Baby, I just want you to know this is for our future, okay? I’m spending this much money to make you husband material.’

‘Thank you, Christian.’

‘I know you have your concerns,’ Christian said, his voice softening. ‘It’s going to be okay. I won’t even be that far away, really. Just a few hours. We’ll talk all the time.’

‘I’d like that,’ Nate said, looking at Christian hopefully.

The night before, Christian had told him they’d hardly talk at all. It was hard to tell which Christian he’d get in any conversation. Maybe if Hillview fixed him, he’d only have the nice Christian from now on. The one everyone else knew, the one Nate missed seeing more often.

Nate uncrossed his legs, and Christian’s eyes darted to the movement, exacting and judgmental.

Nate held very still and had an urge to slide down onto the carpet and lay his head on Christian’s thigh, but Christian didn’t like that kind of behaviour, so he didn’t move.

Ten minutes later, the alpha he was supposed to be paired with walked in with a jovial smile on his face. Christian tensed, and Nate swore the slugs at the back of his throat were multiplying.

‘I’m Janusz,’ the alpha said, reaching out and shaking Christian’s hand. ‘I know the vetting’s already happened, so now I guess we just have a chat to see if you’re happy with me. It’s completely okay if you’re not. We’re following your lead here.’

‘Oh, thank you, I really appreciate that,’ Christian said with a warm charm that Nate missed when it was just the two of them. ‘I know it’s unconventional. But…well, there’s nothing really wrong with Nathaniel per se, I love him, and he’s my boyfriend, he’s just…well, I’m sure you’ll see as you get to know him if you’re the alpha I choose.’

Janusz nodded, grey eyes warm and gleaming.

Nate didn’t think Janusz was as stereotypically handsome as Christian, with his dark brown hair in an Ivy League crew cut, and the stubble which Nate thought might be too scratchy to bear. He supposed he’d get used to it. Janusz was tall, but not broad through the shoulders in the same way as Christian.

How was this ever going to work? Nate felt like every sticky slimy creature clinging was now dropping into his stomach, plopping, one by one. He wanted to fold his arms around his torso, but he couldn’t with Christian there.

‘You see the thing is,’ Christian said, ‘I think our case is unusual because I have PTSD. You’ve heard of it?’

‘What?’ Janusz said, and his eyes widened with recognition. Once, before he’d known Christian, Nate would have said: It’s an omega rehabilitation centre, what the fuck do you think? ‘Oh sure, super common in almost all of our omegas here. But I’ve seen it in betas and alphas too.’

‘Yes,’ Christian said softly, looking like a grim, tired angel who was weary of the ways of humans. ‘Well. Nate isn’t like that. He’s had nothing more than privilege all his life, you see.’

Nate said nothing, did nothing, as Janusz looked over at him. The eye contact was quick and fleeting. Nate wondered how much he wouldn’t matter here, with all these other omegas who had so much trauma, and Nate’s biggest problem being that he was a douche, and Christian couldn’t stand it.

His heat was only days away. Christian had done that deliberately. He’d even said so. And then said Nate was lying when he’d tentatively brought that up as a concern.

‘I would never do that to you, baby. I’m sure we didn’t realise your heat was coming up so fast.’

It was marked on the calendar. But Nate couldn’t say a word. It was possible this once, Christian had forgotten about what was marked on his calendar. He was stressed. He was stressed and Nate stressed him out. So he didn’t say anything more.

‘He’s not very good at accommodating my needs,’ Christian said. ‘I’ve tried my best, but I’m sorry to say I’ve not been very good at being an alpha to him and giving him the guidance he needs.’

‘Christian,’ Nate said helplessly, feeling his chest ache at Christian’s words. ‘You’re an amazing alpha.’

‘Don’t contradict me, baby,’ Christian said.

Nate nodded. ‘I’m sorry. Of course.’

Nate wanted to be alone to gather his thoughts. Bitterness and cynicism were layered throughout his existence, but he couldn’t think straight around Christian, he only wanted the alpha to be happy. He’d do anything. That’s why he was here.

That’s why I’m here.

Nate was sure he was too broken to be fixed, but…he had to try.

‘He’s very nearly there,’ Christian said. ‘He’s just not good enough to claim. And I want to marry him, perhaps if he didn’t look so much like an emo kid.’

‘Right,’ Janusz said laughing. ‘I see what you mean. Well, at Hillview we’re not in the habit of completely changing omegas, however-’

‘Oh no, please don’t change him completely!’ Christian exclaimed. ‘I don’t want that at all.’

Nate thought back to when Christian had told him about six months ago that it would be better if Nate’s personality was erased, and they started from scratch. Maybe then Nate could be supportive enough for Christian and his PTSD. Nate had over fifty books on trauma, but it wasn’t enough to make Nate nicer.

‘Good, good,’ Janusz said. ‘Bonding can be difficult when an omega is previously bonded and in a healthy relationship. But obviously you understand we’ll be looking after him during his heats until he gets back to you. I rank low on the possessive scale, which can be helpful in cases like this – makes it easier for me to let the omegas go at the end – and I also have one of the fastest turnarounds to graduation at Hillview, so he could be back with you in as few as three to six months.’

‘That soon?’ Christian said, surprised.

Christian had told Nate that it would be a year or two. Nate was relieved it might not even be as long as a year. He was determined to do well, perform well, maybe he could be home in twelve weeks.

‘Yeah! I mean that’s the aim,’ Janusz said. ‘And this case seems straightforward and uncomplicated? It sounds like we just need to work on Nate’s friendliness and empathy skills. It’s not often we get an omega low on empathy, but I can train him specifically in PTSD support and get him meeting your needs. You’ve left a list of those; I think I glanced at them in the file?’

‘Yes,’ Christian said. ‘That’s…not a problem?’

Nate felt blank. Christian sometimes sounded like he wasn’t an alpha at all at times like this. He was often the most self-effacing one in a group of alphas, and that had drawn Nate to him initially. Christian just seemed…softer. It took a long time to learn it was something Christian had trained in himself. It put other alphas uncommonly at ease and made them easier to manipulate. Janusz was clearly not smart.

He's going to be your alpha at the end of today, be kinder. You’re doing this for Christian. See? You’re already failing. Already.

Janusz looked at him again, the tiniest frown crossing his forehead.

‘It’s not a problem,’ Janusz said, turning back to Christian. ‘If you want, I can read them more thoroughly now so that you can feel more reassured that I know what I’m getting myself into?’

‘No, I think…you’re a good fit. Though you’re not normally Nate’s type.’

Nate knew he was imagining the smugness in Christian’s voice, imagining the punishment. But he could hear the way Christian would say: ‘Maybe if you were better at caring for me, you wouldn’t have to get fucked by someone you’re not attracted to.’

But Nate was being uncharitable, Christian would never say that.

‘Let’s go for a walk and have a chat about specifics,’ Janusz said. ‘Since Nate’s going to have to be away from you for a while, we’ll take a walk around the property as a little dry run, and Nate can wait in here. I’ve got nurse Enris outside, and he can come in and keep an eye on him. What do you think?’

‘That sounds great!’ Christian said. He stood up quickly – like he couldn’t wait to be as far away from Nate as possible – and Janusz grinned at him, and they both walked out together. Just like that, Christian was gone, and Nate began shaking uncontrollably, carefully clenching his fingers together, feeling the bones under his skin, wishing sometimes his skin would split.

A minute later, as Nate breathed out slowly through pursed lips, nurse Enris came in again. Nate looked sidelong at him, at his gentle face and compassionate smile. He tried to think of the words he’d use to describe him in a poem, but he felt too empty to imagine writing ever again.

‘I’m fine,’ Nate said, annoyed. ‘I don’t need a babysitter. I understand fully what’s happening.’

‘Of course,’ Enris said, sitting down in the chair that Janusz had occupied and nodding. ‘I know. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard.’

Nate glared, then looked towards the windows, but he couldn’t see Janusz or Christian at all. He felt like Christian didn’t want him anymore, and a tremor moved through his hands and legs all over again.

‘It’s going to be okay, Nathaniel,’ Enris said.

‘It’s Nate,’ Nate said sharply.

‘Nate, okay, thank you for correcting me. I’d much prefer you correct me.’

Nate wanted to bolt to the windows, smash the glass, and run. He needed to run. But he closed his eyes and stayed still. He forced himself to think of Christian, Christian’s smile, Christian’s increasingly rare moments of approval, and his angelic good humour when it came upon him, and he felt calmer then. His breathing slowed.

He was doing this for Christian.

It was all for Christian.

But secretly he worried – perhaps even knew – that he was unfixable. It would only be a little while until Janusz realised the same thing, and his relationship with Christian would be over.

Nate had tried so hard, and now he was here, and a strange man – not nearly as handsome as Christian – was going to fuck him through his heat, while Nate mindlessly begged for his knot and felt filthy afterwards. If sex was bad with Christian, how bad would it be with him?

‘Nate,’ Enris said softly, ‘anyone would find this hard.’

‘I’m fine,’ Nate said. ‘I don’t even care about you. You’re just a glorified babysitter getting paid for…’

Nate couldn’t finish the sentence.

Be kind. For fuck’s sake. Just be kind. For once, can’t you be kind? You’re here to learn how to care about people.

Nate helplessly looked up at Enris, something large and monstrous tearing its way through him, the slugs having grown fangs, their slime made of acid, growing and growing until he felt bloated and frozen.

‘It’s all right,’ Enris said. ‘I know it’s hard, okay?’

‘You don’t really know,’ Nate said hoarsely.

Enris paused, closed his eyes briefly, then looked towards the windows. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘I don’t really know.’

That, more than anything, felt like the first bit of warmth Nate had experienced in weeks, but it was too much for his frigid body, and the heat of it sparked behind Nate’s eyes. He wiped away his tears while refusing to make eye contact, as Enris gave him the grace of staring out the window to offer a small illusion of privacy. Because at least Enris – unlike Nate – could be kind.

Chapter Text

Janusz’ on-site unit at Hillview was passable inside. Nate stared at the block mounted poster of some kind of vintage car on one of the walls and realised he’d have nothing at all in common with him. Cars. Nate only knew they came in certain colours, and some were big and used lots of fuel, and some were small and used less. His parents had left it up to his future alpha to determine whether or not he’d be allowed to drive, and Christian said he’d be allowed once they got married.

If they ever got married.

Janusz had returned with Christian after their meeting, and that had been it, apparently. The choice was made. Christian left soon after a cursory kiss to Nate’s cheek, while gripping his side so hard it hurt, a silent reminder that Nate had to behave.

The last words from Christian were a cheerful, ‘Be good!’

Janusz hadn’t touched Nate once, but now they were in Janusz’ home, he came close enough that Nate had to strain not to step backwards.

‘I know it’s rough,’ Janusz said, like he knew anything at all. Of course he was chipper. He was getting paid to use omegas as cock sleeves. Nate would write that in a poem using two words: Sweet gig. ‘Tonight, you can stay in your own room. Normally I’d have you staying in there from the get-go, but I can tell you’re close to a heat, so I don’t know how many nights you’re going to get in there. Can I scent you?’

Nate wanted to tell him no, but he made himself nod. These small surrenders were a lot easier since he’d been with Christian. He’d learned there were a lot of things he used to think were important to him, that weren’t actually important at all. Let Janusz scent him, let Janusz fuck him, let his body be used up, none of it mattered when he stayed focused.

He was determined to be the very best omega Hillview had ever seen, and then they’d graduate him early. Even earlier than three months.

He desperately tried not to think about sharing a heat with this man.

Janusz came close, and Nate clenched his hands into fists when Janusz was too close to see it. And then careful hands on his shoulders, long fingers spreading, and Janusz tucking his nose into Nate’s neck. He breathed in deeply a few times, and Nate stared blankly at the car poster. Then he looked around the rest of the cottage. It was cosy enough. Though there were no books. Even Christian liked to read.

‘So, there is a scent in there!’ Janusz said, with a level of cheer that made Nate flinch before he managed to compose himself. ‘Was only getting fear off you. Don’t look so panicked, it’s not that uncommon at all.’

‘All right,’ Nate said cautiously.

‘Do you want to scent me?’ Janusz asked.

‘Yes, okay,’ Nate said.

Janusz smiled at him, but the expression was odd. ‘Do you want to, though?’

Nate examined his own behaviour and realised he hadn’t seemed compliant or pleasant enough. The training must be starting now. He forced his body to relax, made a show at a genuine smile and said:

‘That would be nice, Janusz.’

Janusz’ gaze was terrifying because it was perceptive, but he seemed like such an idiot too. But all Janusz did was crouch down a little, and Nate touched his fingers to Janusz’ shirt, lightly enough that he didn’t have to feel any skin beneath. He bent his head and breathed in slowly.

He’d never been very perceptive about scents. Usually he could only pick them during sex, or active scenting, like this.

Janusz’ scent was odd but pleasant. There was a metallic undercurrent in his sweat, but then something like currants or sharp red berries nearly ripe, and Nate hadn’t expected it. Where Christian’s scent could be soft and sometimes cloying, Janusz’ scent was bright and clean, and Nate found himself taking a deeper breath without thinking about it.

It embarrassed him, and he stopped slowly, trying to give the impression he wanted Janusz and only Janusz, which was a betrayal to Christian, and left him confused. But wasn’t he supposed to…bond with this person?

Temporarily?

How did that even work?

‘You good?’ Janusz said.

Nate nodded, realised he needed to speak. He cleared his throat. ‘Yes, thank you, Janusz.’

‘I’ll show you around,’ Janusz said. ‘The units aren’t huge, but they’re well-stocked.’

Janusz took him through the unit and showed him the fridge, then the cabinets where all the dishes were – Nate taking mental notes because he knew he’d be expected to cook and provide food and do dishes like he did at Christian’s – and showed him where the linen closet was. There was a large box of blankets at the bottom.

‘Extra nesting blankets,’ Janusz said. ‘But there’s more in your room, and some in mine as well.’

Nate reminded himself to ask Janusz which nesting blankets he liked the most. Christian was very texture sensitive, so Nate could only use the blankets that Christian liked.

Nate was surprised his own bedroom had a desk, a lamp, a comfortable looking bed, even nice curtains. It wasn’t overly homely, but Janusz pointed out that Nate would be expected to add his own touches to the space.

Janusz’ bedroom was more strongly scented than other rooms in the unit, and the bed was large. He had a black doona cover, with an animal print on it. Christian would have hated it. Nate realised he was going to be fucked in that bed, and then in three months or six months or in a year, Christian was going to ask him to recount all the miserable details.

Nate sucked in a breath as saliva flooded his mouth, and then he turned and bolted to the bathroom, even as Janusz was turning to look at him.

Nate shuddered heavily as he threw up, the bile acid bright and etching yellow throughout his teeth and over his tongue. His mind raced. He was making a terrible first impression, trying to spit the gluggy fluid out of his mouth even as he heaved again, sucking down breaths through his nose and trying to make himself stop. He was flushing the toilet when he felt the presence of Janusz behind him. And he flipped the toilet lid closed and ran the tap and drank mouthful after mouthful of cold water even though it hurt his sore teeth.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, looking at the plastic wrapped toothbrush in the holder next to the one that was used. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Hey,’ Janusz said. ‘No, no, why are you sorry?’

Questions were a trap. If Nate gave a reason, he’d be wrong somehow.

‘It won’t happen again,’ Nate said. It wasn’t something he could truly promise, but hopefully… Maybe he could be careful how he ate, or maybe he could force himself to be sick when Janusz left the unit and get it out of his system.

‘Nate,’ Janusz said. ‘It’s okay. I don’t expect this to be easy for you. No one does. Do you want to talk about it?’

‘Ha, no,’ Nate breathed. ‘No, thank you. I’m okay.’

He tensed when Janusz gently touched his back, and then he wiped the back of his mouth with his forearm and turned and offered an appeasing smile.

‘I’ll just brush my teeth and then you can continue,’ he said.

Janusz watched him, and Nate tried to jump ahead and count all the ways he was failing already. What would Christian tell him to do? Be good. Be compliant. Let himself get fucked. Nate swallowed heavily as he felt the urge to heave pulse through him again. It was fine. By the time his heat rolled in properly…

He wouldn’t care anymore.

Not really.

‘If you’re hungry,’ Nate said, ‘I can make you something to eat?’

Janusz was still watching him, like he was putting puzzle pieces together. It was torture. If Christian watched him for this long, it meant he was pissed, and Nate’s day was about to be ruined.

‘Is there anything you like to eat?’ Nate said with what he hoped wasn’t a nervous smile. He reached without looking for the plastic wrapped toothbrush, and unwrapped it, looking down, breaking eye contact. ‘I can make anything, and if you have recipes, I can learn those too.’

‘I’m usually the one who cooks,’ Janusz said quietly. ‘I like to. It’s the Polish babcia – grandma – in me. If you really love doing it though, then sure! But for the next few days – especially because you’re so close to your heat – I’ll be making the food. Is there anything you like to eat when you’re about to go into a heat?’

Nothing at all, Nate thought, reaching for the toothpaste, then realising it had already been used and that it would be rude to assume he could touch it.

‘May…may I use this?’ Nate said.

‘Sure,’ Janusz said. Standing in the bathroom. Watching him. Nate would have begged him to stop, to just please, please tell him what he’d done wrong, but that wasn’t how this game worked.

So Nate squeezed a small amount of toothpaste on the toothbrush – he didn’t want to use too much in case it was wasteful – and he scrubbed at his teeth, the roof of his mouth, his tongue, everywhere he could to get that taste gone. Rancid. He felt awful turning his back to Janusz to rinse his mouth and the brush, and when he put the toothbrush back, he felt…that wretched despair of before. He sucked in a breath through his nose and forced a small smile to his mouth as he turned back.

‘So, is there anything you like to eat in the days before going into heat?’ Janusz said again.

‘Um,’ Nate said, not expecting the question a second time. ‘I- Anything, really. I’m not fussy.’

He’d once been an incredibly picky eater, but Christian said his parents were wrong to indulge it. Nate was used to eating all kinds of food he hated these days. Even if he was only cooking for himself, Christian preferred him to eat a certain way.

‘I’ll eat anything,’ Nate said with a broader smile.

He was at least pretty confident he’d handle that fine.

‘That’s good,’ Janusz said, stepping back from the bathroom door into the hallway. Nate felt like he could breathe properly again. ‘I asked if there was anything you liked though? I bet I can make a pretty good version of it!’

Nate stared at him, panicking. He’d taken a mental snapshot of everything in the fridge and tried to think of what Janusz might like to eat. There’d been at least three egg cartons, which meant…maybe he liked those?

‘Eggs?’ Nate said.

‘What kind?’ Janusz said, smiling.

God, it was a trap. It was a trap. Nate clung onto the need to present a calm exterior, but he didn’t know if he was doing a good job.

‘Any kind, I like them all,’ Nate said. ‘I’m not fussy.’

‘That’s not what Christian said.’

‘Oh! Really? That’s-’ It wasn’t fair. Nate wasn’t fussy anymore. He’d eat anything. Christian even made him cook and eat eggplant, and it was Nate’s least favourite food, and Nate could eat it and smile and even go back for seconds under Christian’s watchful gaze. He could do anything. ‘I- Well, eggs are fine! Honestly, anything is fine.’

‘Yeah,’ Janusz said, the cheerfulness on his face giving way to something far more perceptive, and Nate unconsciously backed up into the bathroom counter. ‘Okay. Well, I’ll make a few things, and you can decide. Your fear levels are off the charts. Do you want some time to settle in? Maybe make a nest? I have to make a call anyway, what a pain, right? But I have to report to my supervisor.’

‘Um. Sure,’ Nate said.

‘If you need anything to drink, feel free to get it, okay?’

Janusz walked off, and Nate sagged back against the counter, heart pounding. Did that mean he was supposed to get something to drink? Nate eventually straightened, then turned and looked over the bathroom counter. There were little splatters of water, a couple of dots of foam from the toothpaste. He’d clean it later. Make it spotless.

He made his way to the bedroom that would be his, and sat on the bed, then heard the sound of Janusz talking on the phone in some other part of the house, and hoped he wasn’t telling some supervisor that he couldn’t do this, that Nate wasn’t fixable, and he already knew on day one.

And then the sound of the front door opening and closing – Janusz leaving from the sound of things – and Nate eased more fully onto the bed, but didn’t lie down, because he didn’t know if Janusz would want him for something. He knew if he laid down properly, he might sleep in spite of himself.

His burgeoning heat was instead coldness and nausea through him, not helping anything. Nate wanted to grab some of the blankets, but he needed to check which textures Janusz liked. He allowed himself a couple of minutes of fast, rapid breathing, to feel the panic that was inside of him, because sometimes if he gave himself a little bit of it, he could control it better later.

Twenty minutes later, Janusz came back inside. Nate tensed when he heard the sound of an electric kettle being turned on. That was something he was supposed to do. He was already failing. Should he have turned the kettle on and then gone to his room? Maybe that’s what Janusz meant when he told Nate to get himself something to drink. God, he was so stupid.

And then Janusz came down the corridor with two mugs a few minutes later and looked at Nate from the doorway.

‘Can I come in?’ Janusz said. ‘Or do you want to come out here? Your room is yours.’

Nate stared at him in disbelief. ‘You can come in.’

Janusz set down one of the mugs on the desk, and pulled out the chair from the study desk, sitting on that instead of using the bed. He handed Nate the other mug.

‘It’s hot chocolate,’ he said. ‘It’s probably not cold enough weather for it right now. But I thought something warm and comforting might help.’

Nate reached for the mug and stared down at it. He hadn’t had a hot chocolate in years. Christian preferred him slimmer. But Janusz was watching, and Nate was fairly sure he wasn’t supposed to reject the drink, so he sipped at it.

Even though it was too hot for Nate’s comfort, it was still good.

‘Thank you,’ Nate said.

‘Don’t mention it. You don’t have to finish it if you don’t like it. I’ll happily have both. So…I’ve talked to my supervisor, and he’s agreed we should probably have you get a medical check-up today, rather than tomorrow. There’s the option for an internal exam at the same time to measure if you’re ready for a heat with me, but it’s optional.’

‘I can do it,’ Nate said. He was pretty sure he was healthy. He was relieved Janusz wasn’t trying to get rid of him.

‘Christian said you had issues with his PTSD, and might be low on empathy, but that’s not really what I’m seeing, hey,’ Janusz said, leaning his elbow on the desk and resting his head in his hand, watching Nate with a gaze that was annoyingly focused. Nate looked down at the hot chocolate, then had some more. The mug wasn’t generic either, it had been hand-made by someone, thrown on some potter’s wheel. Nate wondered what words he’d use to describe the shades of red. Crimson and vermillion maybe? An appetising orange flushing to the red of Kimberley sands?

Nate had never seen the Kimberley, even though it was in the same state.

‘So you like cars?’ Nate forced himself to ask.

‘Yeah! Do you?’ Janusz said, like he thought Nate might actually like them.

Nate wondered if any omegas knew much about cars.

‘Um, yeah,’ Nate said.

‘No, you don’t,’ Janusz said. ‘You don’t have to lie to me.’

Nate felt sick all over again, and shakily put the mug of hot chocolate on the desk, pulling his hands close to his belly before he remembered he wasn’t supposed to be so tense. Not obviously, anyway.

‘Did Christian ever like…hit you, or physically discipline you, when you weren’t obedient enough for him?’ Janusz asked.

‘No!’ Nate said, horrified. ‘No! He would never. With the things he’s experienced in his own past, he’d never raise a hand to anyone. He’s the least violent person I know. That’s why I- That’s why I love him.’

‘Okay,’ Janusz said, like Nate’s reaction had been calmly given. ‘Thanks. That’s good to know.’

‘He would never,’ Nate said again. ‘Wait, are you asking because- Is that… Is that something that happens here? Hitting people? Are you asking if I’m used to it? So you can do it?’

Nate should have expected it. Before Janusz could answer, Nate reached up and grabbed at his black hair.

‘That would be fine,’ he said. ‘That would be fine.’

‘Me hitting you would be fine?’ Janusz said.

‘Yeah. I mean I get it; I don’t expect it to be nice, and you only have a limited amount of time to…make it work. But it would be fine. If it works. Like, if it makes me better for Christian.’

Janusz took a huge breath, sighed it out, then picked up the mug and drank half of whatever was in there. Coffee or hot chocolate.

‘Did your parents ever hit you?’ Janusz said.

‘No!’ Nate said, confused. ‘Why-? No one hits me. Christian was right when he said I’ve only ever had a life of privilege. My parents were kind to me, they even let me choose my partner. They even let me pursue studies in writing, through the tertiary omega academy. I’m really a very lucky person.’

‘Cool, cool,’ Janusz said. ‘Are you all right to visit one of our doctors for a quick exam? Just taking weight, height, things like that, maybe some blood to make sure your iron and calcium levels are good.’

‘Ah, yes, of course,’ Nate said.

‘And the internal exam to make sure you’re ready for a heat, as well?’

‘Ready?’ Nate said in confusion. ‘But… My heat is coming in… in three days. It’s- It’s predictable. The same.’

‘Okay. Are you on a two or three-monthly cycle?’

‘Three,’ Nate said. He’d wished for a long time that his heats would come even further apart, because they made him feel disgusting. Christian always pointed out what a slut he was during them, and Nate didn’t like to think about any of the things he’d do for Christian’s approval during his heats.

And that was with a caring alpha.

‘If you’d had more time, suppressants might have been an option if you wanted to go on them, but as it is, it’s too late,’ Janusz said almost to himself.

Nate looked at him in shock. That wasn’t what he expected at all. Everyone knew omega rehabs would even artificially stimulate heats with massive hormone shots of larentin, to force bonding.

‘Do you mind if Temsen does an internal?’ Janusz asked again, like Nate hadn’t already said he was fine with it. ‘He’s very professional. You can ask to be sedated during it.’

Nate wanted to scowl, but he schooled his expression to politeness. He wanted to say: What the hell? It’s just an internal exam, who cares? But instead he said:

‘That sounds good, I can do that.’

‘Let’s get that over and done with then,’ Janusz said. ‘We’ll finish our drinks and make our way over. I think you’ll like Temsen, you know? He’s pretty cool. Maybe afterwards I can find out what you like to do for fun!’

Janusz flashed a cheeky grin at him, and Nate stared at him, before summoning what he hoped was a polite smile.

Fun was the last word he associated with a place like this.

Chapter Text

Nate felt like hours had passed when they finally walked to a larger building positioned in the centre of the Hillview establishment. It was obviously a hub where medical exams happened, maybe they imprisoned omegas there too when they were bad. He'd looked up omega rehabilitation facilities when Christian said it was a serious possibility, and he'd been horrified, but Hillview wasn't concrete cells and steel bars at least. 

Janusz stayed close and Nate could already feel the way he gravitated towards having an alpha near him. Heat did that to him. He was definitely due, and he couldn't help but wonder if the stress had brought it forward. Sometimes he triggered premature heats just from worrying about what Christian would want from him with the next one. 

He kept his head down. He didn't want to see picturesque trees, elegant and silvery, like the maidens and lads of old swaying in a dance. He wished he could block the susurration of the steady ocean, a metronome to guide the world around it, inhaling and exhaling with intent. He didn't like the cropped grass beneath his shoes, he didn't want Janusz' scent. He'd rather be terrified at home, than terrified here. 

Nate pressed his lips together when he felt a hand rest between his shoulder blades, then drop down to his lower back. He didn't want the touch, but he responded to it. Having a palm at his lower back right now came with the sensation of wanting to drop to his knees and place his elbows on the ground, his forehead down to the grass. His body wanted to betray him. It didn't seem to care that Janusz was a complete stranger, and Nate had to keep reminding himself that he had to do this, he needed to do this for Christian. He wished he could scream in protest, but his body would never let him. He wished he could say he'd been claimed, he was protected, someone was looking out for him. But that person had dropped him off here because he wasn't good enough to claim. 

Nate was numb when they entered the large building through glass double doors that were perfectly clean. He looked down at the nondescript carpet and thought it might be a kind that was easy to clean, because of the dense texture. 

A new, strong, overwhelming presence nearby, a drugging astringent scent behind it, like freshly mown grass. It wasn't a scent Nate naturally gravitated to, but it stuck to the inside of his throat, and then an exam room door opened and a man walked out. 

A small sound in the back of his throat, some kind of helpless grunt, and he looked up in a daze. An alpha?

'Hi there, Nate,’ said the source of all that confusion and overwhelming scent. ‘I'm Temsen Ohlo Ohlo, I'm the head medical doctor at Hillview. How are you?'

'Good,' Nate said. 

That presence wrapping around him, stealing his mind, his thoughts, and it was getting harder to concentrate on anything at all. He felt Janusz' hand on his back and pressed into it unconsciously, needing something familiar. He looked away from Temsen's eyes, because he was beginning to drown, and he didn't understand why. When Temsen stepped closer to him, Nate sucked down a huge breath, and then his knees buckled. He would have knelt right then and there, except Janusz' arms caught him gently, and Temsen stepped away. Nate couldn't tell if he was beautiful or ugly, could hardly discern anything about him except that raw power, and the scent that stuck all over him. 

'Guide him into the exam room for me, Janusz?' Temsen was saying, his voice hushed and gentle. But he could have said anything, and Nate would have felt every word like a command. He wasn't a normal alpha at all. 'There we go. Help him change into the robe, I'm going to stay away for now. I think we might be looking at a premature heat.'

'Damn,' Janusz said, sounding weirdly unhappy for an alpha that was going to get to fuck an omega. 'How are you doing, Nate?'

'Good,' Nate said. 'I'm good.'

The words were automatic. He didn't want to lie, but he also felt like something about both of their energies together in the same room was good. It was maybe the first time he'd ever seen two alphas in the same room and felt...not terrible. Often when Christian brought other alphas over to his place, especially during one of Nate's heats, it was a sickening nightmare on top of the willingness instilled by his heat. Like he knew something awful was happening. 

Now...he was sure he knew that, but it was so far away. Nate changed clumsily and saw the concerned way Janusz watched him as he helped his awkward limbs into a pale blue robe. 

'We can stop at any time,' Janusz said. 

Nate didn't reply. That wasn't true. Christian needed him to be good, and if Nate did well at this, he'd go home sooner to what he knew, what he understood. And it ached inside of him, because he never seemed to know why he failed at everything, except…he did know. He was bitter and cynical. He was fussy and hard to please. And Christian had trained him a lot, and put a lot of energy into him, and Nate still couldn't stop his moments of rebellion or the times he didn't know what Christian wanted when it was obvious after his alpha pointed it out. 

Nate found himself standing in front of an examination gurney, and Temsen was close to him again, and Nate didn't understand what was happening to him. 

'Is this your first time meeting a peak alpha?' Temsen said with a warm smile. Oh, he was warm. 

'You're a peak alpha?' Nate said. 

He'd never met one before. Christian always said he was like a peak alpha, that he was basically as good as one, and that Nate should remember that. But Temsen's energy was something else. 

'I am,' Temsen said. 'Are you feeling any distress?'

Nate shook his head.

'A lot of omegas tend to calm a little around us,' Temsen said, 'though it depends on the peak alpha of course. What I want to do today is conduct a brief physical exam, and then an internal exam to see how ready you are for a heat and if there's any physical injuries to worry about.'

'I'm not injured, I swear,' Nate said. 

'I believe you. But sometimes our bodies get used to things, or don't even notice things, and it would be very irresponsible for me not to check. This is very routine. We prefer to check all omegas before heats, but you can always say no. We don't have to do this today.'

Nate blinked up at Temsen and said nothing at all. No way was he going to protest having the exam. No way was he going to give them any resistance at all. Bad enough that he didn't make Janusz a hot chocolate before, that he didn't understand the rules here. 

First, Temsen had Nate open his robe - what was even the point of wearing one? - and looked at his body. To his surprise, Temsen didn't touch him, and instead asked Nate to move, or Janusz to help him. He had to raise his arms, he had to tilt his head backward and forward, which made the glands at the back of his neck heat up and tingle, creating a liquid dripping sensation through his spine. He really was...going into heat. Not in a few days. He knew this feeling. He felt embarrassed. Christian brought him here and he was already being slutty. No modesty, no sense of shame when they looked at his body. 

And then: 'He's got some bruising on his arm,' Temsen said. 'It's just starting. That's...from today, I'd say.'

Nate knew it was from when Christian grabbed his arm. He was trying to get a message across. 

'I'm clumsy,' Nate said. 

'I see,' Temsen said. 

'He's shaking,' Janusz said. 'Nate? Are you all right?'

'Yeah,' Nate said. 

'It's all right,' Temsen said to him. 'It's overwhelming. Nate, can you come over to the table? I'd like if you could face forward, on your hands and knees. You don't have to if you don't want to.'

Nate walked over. Temsen could have asked him to do anything, and he would have done it. Distantly, he thought it was terrible and clever to have a peak alpha as a doctor at an omega rehabilitation facility. Nate found it hard to deny doctors anything in the first place, and now that he'd been around a peak alpha, he didn't think any omegas would have much power against them. But in that moment, he just didn't care at all. 

As soon as he got onto the bed – on his knees, the robe getting in the way until Janusz helped move it – he felt himself sink into a proper presentation position immediately and pressed his face into the clean white pillow in shame. His breathing was shaky. He thought he might have started to make slick. It wasn't slippery between his thighs or his ass cheeks yet, but there was a twinging sensation inside of him that meant the glands were starting to do their job. And Nate couldn't stop himself from flinching when he felt Janusz' hand in his hair, stroking it, the motions kind and soft. 

Nate squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't like to think that he was going to let a stranger fuck him, or fuck him today, and he was. He was. He could tell. He could already tell. 

'Good, that's very good,' Temsen said. 'Janusz, can you take some notes for me? I'd normally have Enris here, but he's out on his break, and he's left the premises.'

Enris, the nurse from before. The one that had seemed okay. The beta that had watched him cry and not fussed over him, but he hadn't been cold either. And he was on break because of course he was, this was just a job to all of them. It was Nate’s life.

'I'll do my best,' Janusz said, laughing softly. He took his fingers away from Nate's scalp, and Nate didn't like that at all, but said nothing. 

'Actually, second thoughts, I'll just record the exam,' Temsen said. 'I'd like you to keep him anchored, please. It's important.'

'Thanks,' Janusz said. 

The hand came back, and Nate felt fingers rubbing over his ear, and it was strange until he realised the sound was helpful. A rhythmic swish, swish, swish, capturing his concentration and reminding him of the sea he couldn't hear anymore. 

Fingers between his legs, examining him, and Nate's shoulders bunched helplessly, and he couldn't force himself to relax. He didn't know anyone here. Christian wasn't here. And he both wished Christian could hear Nate crying out to him, and wished he couldn't, because he didn't want to bother him. 

'I'm seeing some scar tissue,' Temsen said. 'It's not deep or severe...' Fingers pressing lightly at his rim. They were covered in a thin layer of plastic, but the gloves weren't doing that much to stop the whole thing from feeling invasive and wrong. 'Nonetheless you're to be careful, Janusz, because this suggests tearing or rough sex in the past. Omegas usually heal better than this.'

Nate felt that like a blow. Maybe he'd just not healed the way he was supposed to. If other omegas could heal better than him, maybe Christian was right, and he was a substandard omega. 

'I'm fairly certain his ability to heal was overwhelmed by something else,' Temsen remarked. 'All right, Nate, I'm going to insert two fingers now. It shouldn't hurt but tell me if it does. You may feel some discomfort.' 

Nate held his breath when he felt those fingers slip inside of him, and then his breath shuddered out of him, and a moment later there was a dull, pleasant spasm, and he breathed in dismay when he felt the wetness within him spread. 

'Healthy lare glands,' Temsen said, 'that's wonderful. They're a good size, and they're functional.'

The fingers twisted and moved inside of him, and Nate's arms abruptly moved up and covered his head, and he knew he was supposed to be pretending this was fine, he was calm, but it was so shameful to have someone else doing this to him while he was so turned on. While his cock was getting hard, and another alpha was standing by his head. There were memories knocking away within, memories of what it felt like to have an alpha behind him, one in front of him, at the same time. Memories of what he could be like when he was in heat, and Christian was telling him what to do. 

His eyes started to burn. 

'I can't feel any deep scarring,' Temsen said. 'That means a lot of the scars are superficial, which is fantastic. There's also some give already, so I think he'll be fine for the full process of coitus.'

He's saying I can take a knot. He's saying I can be safely knotted by a complete stranger. 

'Do we have to keep going?' Janusz said suddenly, his voice harder than before. 

'I know,' Temsen said, the words no longer clinical, but gentle and reassuring. 'Not much longer. This is the worst part for the both of you.'

It's fine, Nate wanted to say. But it was hard to pretend that it was. In another hour, he'd probably let anyone fuck him. 

But Temsen's fingers slid out of him less than a minute later, and he moved the robe that had bunched around Nate's upper back and shoulders, pulling it back down, giving him a semblance of modesty that no longer mattered. Who cared about dignity in a place like this? He appreciated the attempt, but he hated it too, because why bother after he'd already been broken apart by the whole process? Was it just for their benefit? Did it make them feel better? 

'Nate, you can sit up now,' Temsen said. 

Nate listened because he knew he'd listen to anything Temsen said. He'd just obey. It would have frightened him more, except Temsen seemed to keep a careful distance from him now, and he didn't seem lascivious or lecherous or cruel, and he wasn't mocking or mean. And so Nate let Janusz help him into a sitting position, and stared at the tiled floor and thought about the wetness he could already feel leaking out of him. 

'It would be cruel to wait,' Temsen said to Janusz. 'This isn't happening in two or three days, it's happening now.'

'Yeah,' Janusz said. 'It seemed to happen...pretty fast. He wasn't like this before when his alpha was here. He really did seem like he was a few days out.' 

'I'll send you an email with some more of my thoughts, but for now, this is just something that happens. Trauma can stave off heats or cause them to land sooner. I'm disturbed by the scarring, let me know immediately if you have any problems with that, especially with regards to stretching. I have some ointments that can improve elasticity. And he's underweight, which I'm sure you can see for yourself.'

'Christian likes me thinner,' Nate said automatically. 'He likes me thin.'

'Does he?' Temsen said gently, his voice like a blanket. 'All right, that's good to know. You won't be very hungry over the next few days anyway. Is there anything you like to eat during your heats?'

'Anything Christian- Anything you want me to,' Nate said. 'I can eat anything.'

'Good, good, that's so good that you can eat anything! That's very helpful. What about foods you like? Is there anything you really enjoy? That maybe comforts you?'

Nate furrowed his forehead in confusion, feeling dizzy trying to sort through the mess of it all. Were there foods he liked? He couldn't remember them properly, especially not now. Christian had only just left him here, and all of his orders - Behave - were fresh in his mind, and he couldn't escape them. What foods did he like? They wanted to know. But he didn't know. What foods were okay to like? What foods were cheap and easy for them to get? He felt trapped. 

'I like whatever you like,' he said helplessly. 

Please tell me what's safe to like. 

'Wonderful,' Temsen said, and Nate could have melted in response. He'd said the right thing. Thank god, he'd said the right thing. Absently, he leaned into Janusz' body for support, and Janusz' arm came up and hooked around him. 'You're trying so hard, Nate. We'll make sure we put that in your notes, okay? Christian will definitely know how hard you're trying.' 

The words were a balm. Nate sagged completely into Janusz, the relief overwhelming. He'd be embarrassed, but between the peak alpha's presence destroying most of his ability to think properly, and the reassurance, and the fact that he'd just had an internal exam and was in a new environment, all he latched onto was how much he needed Christian to know that he was trying his best. He really was. It probably wouldn't be enough, and they'd see that eventually, but he was trying. 

'Yeah,' Janusz said suddenly. 'You're doing really great, Nate. Both of us can see that. You ready to go back home now?'

'Yeah,' Nate said weakly. It wasn't home. That place wasn't his home. But he hardly cared. 

'Help him get dressed again,' Temsen said, his voice quieter than before, more thoughtful, maybe. 'I think you're right, by the way. But there's no point chasing it up now, Janusz, you'll be busy yourself over the next few days. Call me or Enris immediately if you think the heat is corrupting, it's a serious possibility.'

'Is it? I thought...everything seemed mostly fine.'

'It's a possibility,' Temsen said, his voice completely sober. 'Especially after everything today. Your instincts are good, you're doing well too, you know.'

Janusz' laugh was almost sweet. And Nate was glad no one was making fun of him. No one had commented on his small cock, or how slutty he'd seemed on the bed, and no one was making him talk about why he had scar tissue, they weren't telling him he wasn't cooperative enough, they weren't telling him he was too cooperative, and it was obvious he wasn't properly loyal to Christian at all. 

Janusz helped him back into his clothes, and Nate felt slick seeping into his underwear as they walked back to Janusz' unit. All at once, the air seemed clear, and the fog in his mind vanished. He could hear the sea, he could see the trees, he could feel the grass spongy and soft beneath the soles of his shoes, and the presence of Temsen receded entirely and he realised freshly all over again that someone had pushed their fingers inside of him, and he couldn't even remember the doctor's last name. 

Helplessly, a memory folded over him, another time where he didn't even know the alpha's first name, and Christian had been saying something in a cheerful, pleasant, mocking voice. Nate's gut churned, nausea bolted through him, and he bent over and slapped a hand over his mouth. But it was only saliva, a little bile, and he could swallow it back down. 

'Oh, sweetheart,' Janusz said. 'I know none of this is okay. But we're going to get you through it, I promise.'

Nate hated that Janusz had seen him like that. Twice now because he'd thrown up before and Janusz knew that too. 

'I'll do better,' Nate said, wiping his palm on his shirt. 

He stared in amazement when Janusz took the hand that had just had spit on it and folded it up in his own. He looked up at Janusz for what felt like the first time since they'd left his apartment to go visit the doctor. His grey eyes were perceptive, but they didn't seem mad. But sometimes Christian didn't seem mad when he secretly was. 

'I promise I will,' Nate insisted. 

'You're doing fine,' Janusz said, squeezing his hand. 'You're doing amazing. Please give me a chance to do the same for you.'

Nate stared at him. He didn't understand. He was an omega. Janusz was being amazing for just...treating him like a person. 

'I promise I'll take care of you,' Janusz said, moving Nate's hand to his chest and placing his own hand over it. Nate could feel Janusz' heartbeat, thick and strong and powerful. Janusz’ skin was warm. And Janusz was nothing like Christian, and wasn't as pretty, not nearly as angelic to look at, but there was something different about him. Something Nate swore he was making up in his head because he was desperate. 

Janusz watched him for a time longer, and Nate looked away, and Janusz guided him back to his apartment. Nate tried to think of ways he'd describe this situation in poetry, but all he heard was the ocean's back-and-forth, scouring him out like a metal sponge, an endless scratching that made his soul cry out for his alpha. 

Christian, Christian, a stranger wants to fuck me. Help.

But if there was one thing Christian didn't care about, it was strange alphas fucking him. 

Chapter Text

Nate hated the things that made his heat easier, even though they made it easier. He hated the feeling of slick between his legs, making his skin glide together, knowing it would mean a cock gliding inside him soon. He hated that he became more pliant and amenable, like he couldn't think anything negative anymore. Even when he didn't want to have sex, even when he didn't want to be near another person, soon his body would stop caring about all the things he wanted. He would be needy, hungry, desperate, thirsty, he would be what Christian accused him of being, a slut. 

After all, a proper omega wouldn't sleep with multiple alphas during his heat. Christian only brought them over because after the first time he surprised him with it during Nate’s second heat, he insisted Nate clearly needed it. And whatever Nate had to say about it... well, it didn't matter. 

He was shivering and feverish. He sat in Janusz' room, while Janusz was in the shower. Nate's breathing was shallow, he told himself he wasn't going to beg. As soon as they'd gotten inside, he could feel the internal shuddering which meant he wasn't far away from becoming needy. 

Christian would want to watch if he was there. 

When Janusz came out of the bathroom in a dark blue bathrobe, Nate felt the starkness of his reality from a distance. He was foggy, he stared Janusz up and down and couldn't decide if he needed to reach out or throw up. 

'Oh, sweetheart,' Janusz said, looking at him.

Nate swallowed, stared into his grey eyes, almost wished they could bring the peak alpha back to snow his mind so completely he didn't have to be aware this was the wrong alpha, and Christian wasn't here, he wasn't even getting to watch. 

I'm scared, he thought. I'm scared. 

There was no poetry in this. He wouldn't know what to scribe on a page. But he desperately tried to cling to himself, his identity, frantically composing broken lines in his mind.

Slippery between my legs. The wall with a chip in the corner. A room where other omegas have been fucked. A scent in the air, grounding, sharp, like standing in a Scandinavian forest after the snows have melted, my feet in the mud, crushing sharp-tasting berries in my fingers, thinking of the venison they might be cooked with. 

Janusz came closer, and Nate watched him, feeling like a doll. He'd do anything and he was going to be good, but he couldn't be seductive or sexy. He could try, sometimes, when Christian invited it, but when Nate did it when Christian wasn't in the mood, it was bad. Too slutty. Too much. Even though Nate hardly wanted it outside of his heat and was only trying to make his partner happy. 

Janusz bent down and pressed his nose to the crook of Nate's neck and breathed in deeply, and Nate shivered and felt his ass pulse just from being scented and could have thrown himself off the cliff of awareness then and there. 

'What do you like?' Janusz said.

'I like what you like,' Nate said. 

Janusz pulled back and stared at him, his eyes sharp. He had a gentle laugh, a gentle touch, but that gaze was an edge Nate could practically feel over his fingertip, like testing the blade of a knife. 

'It's all you know how to say these days, isn't it?' Janusz said, but Nate didn't think he was supposed to answer. 'You're doing really well, Nate. Can you tell me what you hate, at least?'

'I don't hate anything,' Nate said. 

'You hate this situation, though, don't you?'

'I don't hate anything, I promise,' Nate said, his voice shakier.

'You don't need to make promises to me, sweetheart,' Janusz said, reaching out and cupping the side of Nate's face. 'We'll get through this part together and see where we're at on the other side when you can think a little better. You've got a bit of that heat fog, don't you? Your heats hit pretty hard?'

Nate nodded mutely. I don't mean to be so needy.

Janusz reached around to the back of Nate's neck and his fingertips glancing over his Kaeper glands beneath his skin, at the base of his neck, was like electricity. Nate's eyelashes fluttered, and his chest hitched on his next breath, his mouth dropped open on a soft groan when Janusz pressed a little more and massaged the skin. Nate responded to the pressure and leaned forwards until his forehead was against Janusz' stomach. 

Instinctively, he reached out and spread the bathrobe - of course Janusz was wearing nothing underneath - and touched his skin, and Janusz' belly jumped beneath his fingers, and the colour of his pubic hair was different, black-brown like the hair on his head, and not the crisp gold of Christian's. Nate felt sick, but touched the hair like he was hypnotised. Would they forgive him these minutes of hesitation? He didn't know how to sink to his knees without Christian telling him to. 

'Hey, look at me for a second, look at me,' Janusz said. 

Nate looked at him. He thought that was probably the angle of Janusz' face he'd see when he sucked his cock. 

'You want to make me happy, right?' 

Nate nodded. 

'You need to talk to me,' Janusz said. 'Not all the time. I know it's going to get hard. But you need to tell me things. It can be anything. You can say anything. Even if it's just a random word. Even if it doesn't make sense to you. But it's hard for me to be with someone who's really quiet all the time. And if your natural inclination is to be quiet, that's okay, but...can you sometimes say things to me? Do you like my fingers on the back of your neck?'

'Yeah,' Nate said quietly. He did like that. 

Janusz smiled at him, lips quirking, like he'd noticed something good. 

'That's great, sweetheart. I like that too. You have the loveliest scent. Like rain. Has anyone ever told you that?'

Nate nodded. Janusz' expression shifted for a second, but then he bent down and used both hands to draw Nate’s shirt up over his head. Nate lifted his arms automatically and thought that talking was difficult. He'd always preferred writing, growing up. That was the place where he felt like he could get to the truth of something. Not prose, which was unwieldy, but poetry, where he could be precise. 

Nate stood when he felt hands at his jeans, and he helped Janusz automatically with the clothing, wincing as the fabric peeled away from the slick he was making. 

'I can wash your bedding after,' Nate said, referring to it. 

'We have staff for that. But that's very generous of you to offer it.' 

'Any omega would,' Nate said. 

Janusz didn't push Nate onto his knees, but drew him into a standing position, opened his bathrobe, and pulled Nate into him. Somehow, this was worse. The closeness was truly shocking, feeling a hot body against him, feeling those muscles against his skin, and his small, hard cock pressing into Janusz' upper thigh. Janusz' arms were around him, and Nate felt trapped and soothed at the same time. 

'Some omegas like to be spoiled,' Janusz said. 

Nate said nothing. He didn't know what to think about that, about the lives other omegas lived. It was hard enough getting through his own life sometimes. 

'Here,' Janusz said. A hand at the back of his head guiding his face towards the side of Janusz' neck, and Nate tensed, almost fought, because he knew what was coming next. But he controlled his terror because he didn't mind Janusz' scent and it was already strong. The pheromones were in the bedroom, they floated in the steam from the shower, he was an alpha that smelled ready to deal with an omega's heat. But it was so different from Christian. 

His mouth settled on Janusz' skin, and he breathed, and breathed, taking lungfuls of Janusz' scent that made him think of early spring in the colder countries of northern Europe, even though he'd never been there either. He didn't know where the images came from. When Janusz' hand came and hooked around the back of his neck and massaged his Kaeper glands firmly, Nate hated how easy it would be. He was melting inside. He was breathing faster, needing more, feeling empty. 

'Please,' he mouthed, without giving breath to it. A test of himself, to see if he could even handle what he was about to beg for. 'Please,' he whispered. 

'You have a lovely voice,' Janusz said. 'Don't you? We've hardly gotten to know each other, but I already like you a lot.'

That's your job.

'It's not an easy job to do, always,' Janusz said.

Nate stiffened, horrified, he hadn't realised that he'd said that aloud. He hadn't realised his heat fog had pushed him that far. 

'I'm not mad. I really like when you talk to me, remember? It's good to hear you say things.'

Nate didn't know how to reply, every breath and he was taking in more of those pheromones, an ache was blooming in his gut. His knees felt weak. Janusz was asking him to stand, but Nate already wanted to go onto the bed - even the floor - and sink into the easier position. He was shocked at how quickly it was happening. Even with Christian, his nausea lasted longer, strong and cruel inside of him while he tried to will it away. But this was like an exemption. Christian wanted him to do it, and he wasn't here watching or judging. Even if Nate would have to explain it all later, in embarrassing, humiliating detail, Janusz seemed kind of simple-minded. Maybe he'd even be easy to please. 

Nate didn't think he'd get the training he needed, if that was the case, but...he wanted to please. 

A pulse of slick trickling between his legs, and Nate whined softly. 

'Please,' he said again.

'Can you say my name?' Janusz said, as Nate pressed into him harder, pushing his chest into his torso, shuddering when Janusz grasped his hip with his other hand and massaged the skin there with his thumb. 

'Janusz,' Nate said. He'd never heard the name before, but he liked the way it sounded in his mouth. The soft J, the way the S and the Z slid together, making something new in his mouth. 

'You can call me Jan, if it's easier.'

'No. I like it the way it is.'

'So do I,' Janusz said, laughing warmly, and Nate opened his mouth and pressed harder into him, palming his skin, burning up. His skin was no longer cooler than Janusz', he was getting warmer and warmer, he wouldn't even need foreplay. He almost never did. Christian said he was too easy. 

When he was younger, Nate used to think he'd need a lot of seduction, a lot of foreplay, a lot of tenderness or insistent lust, before he'd consummate his heat with someone. He imagined a lover who would stroke his body, grasp at his hair, drag their hands under his thighs where the skin was sensitive, and he'd open up to them and let them in, and it would be special. His surname was Prince, and it used to be silly how taken he was with it. The name had to mean something, and as a teenager he had romantic fantasies that were grand and silly, and he'd lie in his bed and dream of the men - the alphas - who would have to climb the metaphorical tower to be with him. 

In the beginning, when he'd confided his fantasies to Christian, Christian had laughed and called them cute. But later, long after Nate had dismissed those fantasies as the last dregs of an immature childhood, Christian had brought it up in front of the others, right at the end of a heat when Nate felt the most disgusted with himself. Christian hadn't been mean about it, exactly, but the others had. Christian had sat there, petting his hair, while Nate was fucked out and exhausted and starving and thirsty, and he'd said: 

'His surname is Prince, you know, but like this, I don't think he's very royal at all. Still so beautiful though, aren't you, Nate?'

There had been two others getting ready to leave. One getting dressed. One finishing off his beer. Old university mates of Christian's. One of them even lived in an alpha frat, and constantly talked about how many omegas he'd fucked. He was so tedious. 

'A prince, hey?' that one had said, slapping Nate's ass. 

Nate didn't bother moving. 

'You used to imagine you were a prince, didn't you?' Christian said to Nate. 'You were such a cute little teenager. I wonder what he'd think of the kind of adult you grew into.' And then: 'Are you ignoring me, Nate? Please don't say you're ignoring me, after all I did for you to make sure your needs were met.'

Nate had pushed up, apologised, realised he didn't have the luxury of lying there and feeling sorry for himself. Christian would be hungry, and if Nate was starving, well, he had to go make himself something to eat. 

'Okay,' Janusz was saying. 'Okay, okay, sweetheart, look at me. Look at me.'

Nate looked at him, confused. Wasn't he just supposed to disappear? He didn't like where he was disappearing to, but...

Grey eyes staring at him, holding him, and Nate frowned when Janusz wiped his thumbs over Nate’s his cheeks. God, he was dizzy on Janusz' scent.

'You smell good,' he said. 

'Why're you crying, sweetheart?'

'Oh.' 

Nate reached up and felt the wetness on his cheeks, and Janusz' fingers tangled with his so gently. Nate's legs had already spread, even while he stood. He wasn't going to be able to hold up his weight.

'You're going to need to be in me, soon,' Nate warned. 'I'm...slutty.'

'Do you like that word?' Janusz said. 

Nate shook his head. 

Janusz smile when it came was huge. Not like his crooked smiles. A big smile. Even his eyes smiled. He had little lines at the corners that looked so real. 

'Then let's stop using that word,' Janusz said.

'But Christian likes-'

'You tried so hard for Christian,' Janusz said, his voice a bit firmer, 'and now you're going to try hard for me too, because Christian wants that as well, remember? So you and me, we're not going to use that word, and it'll be our little secret.' 

'I am though... I'm... It's hard to stand.'

Janusz pushed him back onto the bed, and Nate crawled onto it properly, and hated the black doona cover with its animal print, like some kind of leopard or something, because it felt like Janusz wasn't actually a grown-up. But he was. He was a proper alpha, it was in his scent, and Nate automatically rolled onto his front and then pushed up into the same position he'd been in on the medical gurney. It hadn't even been that long ago. 

He thought Janusz might be a bit of a prude, from some of the things he'd said and done, but instead he felt a hand smoothing through the slick that dripped down his inner thigh, and he shivered. Janusz' touch was confident, it didn't even hesitate. Janusz spreading his legs further apart and kneeling between them, hands grasping at his inner thighs, then smoothing up over his hips, down along his torso, too firm to be ticklish, and Nate's guts felt like they were bleeding together. It wasn't exactly pleasant, but he was at the mercy of it now. 

This was what heat was, the clouding of his mind, the haziness, the drive to be with someone stronger who would protect him. He used to research it once, because what was even the point of something that drove him crazy? But it made sense once he read about it. Omegas were physiologically the weakest and went into heat to compel or hypnotise alphas into protecting them and looking after them. The articles he'd read made it sound like a trick that omegas pulled, their scents and bodies changed, and alphas had to act, needed to do something about it. Even now, Nate felt manipulative. 

Heats were like that too. 

When Janusz slid a finger inside of him, Nate moaned helplessly and pushed back.

'Going to take our time afterwards,' Janusz said, 'aren't we, sweetheart? But you're racing along now, aren't you?'

'Yeah,' Nate breathed. 

'Taking me so easily, does this hurt?' 

A finger over what must have been the scar tissue, Nate didn't even know he’d had it until today, though he could think of several different times he might have gotten it. Nate shook his head, it didn't hurt. It just felt slippery and sensitive and good, and he still felt empty. And Janusz returned with two fingers, and then three, and then he said something under his breath about how open Nate was already. 

'I don't need... foreplay,' Nate breathed.

He didn't even want it. At this point, it would just make everything more painful. He didn't need someone to kiss him. He didn't need someone to care for his body. Heats were empty things, he just wanted one body part from someone else, inside a specific part of his body. 

And Janusz rubbed at his insides as Nate moaned and pushed his hips back and his humiliation drifted away into something plainer, wanting, until Nate was reaching up and around to put his own fingers inside of himself and then whimpering when Janusz captured his hand. 

'Okay, okay,' Janusz said, kneeling up behind him. 'I've got you. I thought you'd need more stretching, but you're more open than...'

'I'm a slut,' Nate said, laughing darkly. 

Two hands grabbing his hips. 'Don't use that word, Nate.'

'But-'

'You don't like it, remember?'

And, vaguely hysterical, Nate laughed, because god, like any of them cared about what he liked. As though it mattered whether he called himself a slut or not, when a stranger was about to fuck him, because Christian wanted that for him. As though it mattered. 

Chapter Text

Janusz hesitated, and Nate backed up with his hips and held his breath when he felt that cock against him. Janusz was a decent size, not the largest he'd ever taken, but larger than Christian, enough that Nate knew he was going to feel bruised later. 

Right now he wanted that too. 

The head of Janusz' cock slipped inside him, and something in Nate became urgent, not quiet. He made small, broken noises, needing more, needing to not be teased, even as Janusz soothed him with one hand digging into his hip and another rubbing circles into the dip of his lower back. Janusz pushed in deeper, deeper, slid over his prostate and his lare glands at the same time, and something in Nate finally, finally settled. A franticness temporarily paused as his body registered that an alpha was inside of him, had hold of him, and his scent was thick in the air and smelled good, so good. 

'God,' Nate breathed. 'God.'

'Sore?'

'No.' 

'Fuck,' Janusz said, like he was turned on, and Nate felt secretly pleased. Because he wanted to be good, he wanted to be a good omega, he wanted his ass to feel appealing and he liked when alphas sounded like he was worth it. Even when he hated being fucked by strangers, even though he hated all of it afterwards, in the middle he tucked this bliss into his chest where it was private and belonged only to this part of him. 

He wanted the people who were inside him to feel like he was doing a good job for them. 

He squeezed his ass muscles, and Janusz gave a small laugh of despair and pressed even deeper. He set up an easy, shallow rhythm, not as deep as he could be, but satisfying to Nate all the same. That constant stimulation over his lare glands made him produce more and more slick, he felt an orgasm starting to build, his body trembling finely, eyes screwed shut as he focused on breathing, as his hands clawed at the bed. 

'How close are you, sweetheart? You gotta tell me.'

'Close,' Nate managed. 

Janusz petted him like he was doing well, then thrust deeper, faster, dug his broad and calloused thumb into the back of Nate's neck, and a hot lancing sensation bolted through him, from his ass to his neck, dancing along his spine. A few more thrusts, and Nate came, spilling over the doona, moaning softly. It wasn’t impossible after all. He could do this. He was going to get through this for Christian. 

Janusz praised him, called him a sweetheart - Nate kind of liked that - and pressed deeper again, and an ache bloomed. Yeah, he really was going to be feeling Janusz later, and it was some wild and feral knowledge inside of him, that his body was made for this. 

'Please,' he cried out. 

'Hang on,' Janusz breathed. 'You're not ready for a knot.'

'Please.' 

'No, sweetheart, I'm going to come first, and then I'll check if you're stretched enough.'

Nate ground his teeth together but forced back his protest, then stopped caring because the stimulation still helped. He wanted a knot, and he wanted Janusz to come inside him, he was getting one of those things, he shouldn't be greedy. 

Janusz' depth and speed picked up, the ache spread across his spine, keeping him poised on a tightrope of a pleasure-pain that was drugging in its intensity. Janusz came inside of him, breathing hard, Nate groaned deeply, because it wasn't just the scent around him anymore, but those pheromones spilling within, coating his insides, seeping into his lare glands. His legs spread automatically, his back dipped further, he panted into the bed. 

'Oh please,' he said softly. 'Janusz.'

Janusz scratched his nails across Nate's back in wavy lines, not enough to hurt, not too light to be ticklish, and Nate pushed back onto Janusz' cock automatically and felt dizzy. 

'I don't need you to be nice,' he said. 

'You're a bit more honest in a heat, aren't you?' Janusz said, sounding pleased. 'Maybe you do need it.'

'I don't.'

'But do you like it?' 

Nate fell silent, taking huge breaths and finally, feeling like he was betraying something or someone, he nodded. 

Yes. Yes, he liked it.

'God, you're so good,' Janusz said, and kept up those wavy scratches, kept giving him that texture and sensation that made Nate feel like he was a bit more than a hole to be filled.

*

When Janusz finally knotted him - not even the next time, but the time after - Nate felt so open that the pain of Janusz' knot swelling wasn't like tearing, but a deep, satisfying kind of hurt that left him stupid on pheromones and lust and absently grinding back as Janusz came for a good few minutes. He stayed in a hungry lassitude for a while, lying on his side and Janusz spooned up behind him, hand on his cock and jerking him off into his fourth orgasm. Nate was coming clear already, which was common for him during his heats these days. 

But it was only a few more minutes after that – as he caught his breath, as he sensed the knot going down – that reality began to prickle away at the bubble surrounding him, until all at once it burst.

He was on a strange bed, with a strange person, in a rehabilitation facility because his actual alpha didn't think he was good enough to claim. 

Nate stared ahead and fought with himself not to run. He had nowhere to go because Christian wouldn't take him back until he was fixed. Janusz' touch changed, became tender, as he carefully stroked Nate's arm. Nate was sure he’d vomit if Janusz touched him between his legs, exhausted, no longer knowing how to be good when he felt this awful.

'I'm going to get you something to drink soon,' Janusz said quietly. 'Something to eat. How're you feeling?'

'Fine,' Nate said. 'Good.'

Janusz' hips shifted, testing whether his knot was down enough that he could pull out, but it wasn't. So he stayed there, and Nate thought he couldn't eat anything, not now. 

The clarity that came after being knotted, the pauses in the heat, they were hell on earth. Each time. How he could go from being so full of lust to these brief periods of self-loathing, he didn't understand, and he didn't know how other omegas dealt with it. 

'Will I get to meet other omegas here?' he said. 

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wished he could take them back, because he didn't want to meet any. He didn't want to see all these other omegas - even the broken ones - who probably were better at pleasing people than he was. He was here to be fixed, not to ask advice on how to deal with being a little fucking baby. 

'That's pretty likely down the track, but only when you're ready,' Janusz said. 'This part can be hard. It's normal for this part to be hard.'

I'm meant to feel like shit.

'You're in a new place, with a new person,' Janusz continued, squeezing Nate's arm. 'It's traumatic, Nate. We don't hide from that, here. I'm sorry for how fast your heat came on, but this part was always going to be hard.' 

'It's...hard because you're a new person?' Nate said, checking. 'This is a new place. That's why?'

'It's hard when a heat convinces you that sex is the best idea. It's like a small break from reality, and your body is naturally seeking some protection from an alpha right now, and this is the way it knows how to get it. But when you come out of that... this is clearly not a normal situation to be in, Nate. You're meant to be with someone who loves you, someone you chose for yourself, who you'll feel relaxed with afterwards.'

'...So it's not supposed to be like this every time,' Nate said, double checking. 

'Like what?'

'Nothing,' Nate said. 

Janusz was silent, then pressed closer and kissed not the back of Nate's neck - like he expected - but the curve of his shoulder. 'No, sweetheart, it's not supposed to be like this every time.' 

Nate felt strangely soothed, though still disgusted. Janusz' pheromones were so heavy in the room, but it wasn't a bad scent. At least the air didn't smell gross. When Janusz’ knot finally slipped out of him, Nate gave himself thirty seconds to feel sorry for himself, then pushed upwards, standing on wobbly legs. 

'What do you want me to make for you?' Nate said. 'I can make-'

'-Oh no, you don't,' Janusz said, grabbing his arm and pulling him back onto the bed. Nate fell into the wet spot and his face creased. 'We're not doing that. I don't feel like I'm protecting you at all, if you get up when you're tired and force yourself to make me something.' 

'But Christian always-'

A hand over his mouth, and Nate stared at Janusz in amazement. 

'This is going to be the hardest part for you,' Janusz said, his voice and gaze serious. 'Your job, right now, is to bond with me. You cannot fully preserve a bond with Christian while you're with me. You will re-bond with him after this process, and it will be easier because you've been with him before, and you love him. But you can't hold a dual bond in a situation like this. And that's hard. I'm not going to pretend it's not. I know Christian had his preferences for you, and we will retrain you to be a healthy omega, but we can't even begin to properly retrain you until you bond, and you cannot bond if you're constantly telling me all the things Christian prefers.'

Nate felt cold. He felt gross. When Janusz slid his hand away, he didn't seem surprised or even disappointed when Nate got up and walked into the bathroom. Nate closed the bathroom door behind him, come sliding out of him - Janusz had a lot of it - and feeling revolting, now freshly realising what being in an omega rehabilitation facility entailed.

They were going to break his bond with Christian? 

He leaned back against the door and felt the cramping in his gut that meant the heat wasn't over, and tears came to his eyes. He heard footsteps, and for a moment was terrified Janusz would come closer, but instead heard the footsteps fade, he was leaving the room. Nate placed his sweaty hands over his face and took large breaths and told himself he wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to cry.

This? This was what Christian wanted for him? This? 

But you can't hold a dual bond in a situation like this.

For some reason, Nate assumed he would. He knew dual bonds were rare, but they happened, and he assumed omegas were expected to keep the bond with their alpha while they developed a new, forced bond with a companion that would disappear once the retraining and rehabilitation was complete. But Janusz hadn't minced his words. Nate had a job while he was here, he had to bond with someone who liked cars, who liked mechanics and cars and stupid shit and leopard prints on his doona cover. 

Nate would have screamed. At the last minute he opened his mouth and bit down sharply and quickly on his own hand, the pop of pain holding back the wail he wanted to give instead. But now his hand hurt. He folded it at his side and sat on the tiles, he was making a mess, he was disgusting. 

If he hadn't been so awful in the first place, Christian wouldn't have sent him here. If he'd just been good. Why couldn't he be good or pleasing enough? Why did he have to come here? 

He didn't mean to start crying. The tears just spilled. He pressed his lips together, but he couldn't stop the little whimpers. Ten minutes later, when Janusz opened the door and Nate had to move to make it seem like he wasn't trying to block it on purpose, he forced himself to stop, but couldn't make himself. 

'It sucks,' Janusz said softly, bending down and kneeling beside him, rubbing his back. 'It really sucks.'

'No, I'm fine,' Nate said. 

'You're doing so great,' Janusz said. 'But you're allowed to be upset when it sucks. That's a normal reaction. What you're feeling right now, it's normal, it's allowed. You're allowed to hate it.'

'No,' Nate said. 'Christian...'

He thought about Janusz' words, and he tensed, scared of being lectured again. 

What he didn't expect was Janusz wrapping his arms around him and bringing him close, even though Nate was scared of his body now, scared of how much control alphas had when he wasn't in the throes of his heat. But having that scent near him wasn't terrible and having those arms around him...was even comforting. None of it made this bearable. 

'It's normal,' Janusz said softly. 

The words shouldn't have been soothing, but somehow they were. 

It's normal. I don't have to pretend to like it. It's normal. 

'I can't give up my bond,' Nate said. 'I can do both.'

'No, baby,' Janusz said softly, sadly. 'You can't.'

'I can. I will. For him.'

'All right, but sweetheart, if you can't, no one here is going to be upset with you, okay? It's really just...part of the process.'

'Maybe he didn't know.'

'We make it very clear in the paperwork,' Janusz said. 'The re-bonding process is normally quite easy in healthy circumstances, and way less traumatic than this part, which is why many alphas consent to it.' 

Christian hadn’t said anything about this part at all, and Christian never let him see any paperwork. By the time Nate had to sign anything, he didn't feel comfortable reading it because he knew what Christian wanted, so he'd just signed. He was surprised they cared enough to get a signature. 

'No one explained this to you?' Janusz said. 

Nate stayed silent for a while. 'Maybe I just wasn't listening.'

'All right,' Janusz said, but Nate thought he sounded doubtful. 

He didn't say anything as Janusz rubbed his shoulders, his back, and he didn't want the rising need inside him this time, because it was returning. Janusz asked him if he wanted to eat or drink anything, and Nate shook his head, because he was going to be sick and he didn't want that either. He hated the feeling of throwing up. He didn't want the lust to come either. He didn't want Janusz inside him, he didn't want his knot. Not again. But he’d keep wanting it – needing it – until this was over in three or four days. And each time afterwards, a moment like this, hopefully not having a breakdown in the bathroom every time. 

'Maybe I can go home soon,' Nate said, his voice small. 'If I'm good?'

Janusz' hand firmed, then squeezed gently at the side of his arm, then bent over him and held him closer. 

'You're already being good,' Janusz said. 'You're already good.'

'But...' Nate said, his voice shaking, 'maybe if I'm really good?' 

'Baby,' Janusz said. 'I wish it worked like that.'

He wasn't going to get to go home in three months. As soon as Janusz spoke, Nate knew. He could just tell. Janusz was trying to be nice about it, but it felt like an open wound in his chest. 

'But you're fast, right?’ Nate said plaintively. ‘You're faster than the others. You're...really good with omegas. So...is it because I can't be good enough?'

'God,' Janusz said. 'No, baby, it's really not because of that. Whatever happens, however long this takes, it has nothing to do with how good you are as a person, as an omega.'

'I don't get it, I'm here because I'm bad.' 

'No, you're here because someone made a decision about your welfare and took it out of your hands. If they choose to attach the word bad to it, that's their choice, but it's not inherently true.'

A flash of rage left Nate dizzy. It rocked him so hard that he momentarily went limp. He couldn't fight, not while an alpha was holding him like this, but in that moment he felt like he could have killed Janusz for disagreeing with Christian like that. For making it seem like Christian had made the wrong choice. 

I don't like you, I don't like you, I don't like you, I don't like-

'Yeah,' Janusz said. 'Yeah, that's more like it. That's more like it, Nate. That's good. Tell me what you think.'

Nate stared ahead. He was doing it again. 

'I'm not mad,' Janusz said. 'I'm not angry at you. You have literally no reason to like me.'

'I didn't think I'd said anything,' Nate said. 'What's wrong with me?' 

'Hey,' Janusz said, pulling back and smiling down at him. 'This situation would make anyone a little crazy. Trust me when I say it's temporary, okay?'

Nate stared at him and thought his eyes were like the forbidding grey of the underside of a storm. His scent was powerful too, warming and good. Nate felt a pulse of fresh slick inside him and realised in a few minutes he was going to be begging for his cock again, and he squeezed his eyes shut and couldn't stop himself from crying, feeling pathetic. 

'Yeah, Nate. It just really sucks,' Janusz said, holding Nate closer as he cried. 

Chapter Text

Nate took two more knots before sinking into a numb lassitude that meant sleep was finally coming. He didn't know how many times Janusz had come inside him, and he didn't know how many times he'd come either. His orgasms were tapering off, only happening when Janusz knotted him. But Janusz didn't knot him every time, he seemed to fuck once or twice before knotting, and it was exhausting. But Nate could tell Janusz was tired too. 

After the last knot, Janusz tried to get him to eat something, and Nate refused everything except water. 

He laid there in this bed that was feeling less strange, hating himself, hating this centre, and wondering how much worse he would have felt in a normal rehabilitation facility where he would have been put in a cell instead of a bedroom. Was it possible to feel worse? Nate didn't care anymore. He'd probably find out tomorrow. The second day of his heat was the worst day. 

He slept, wondering how he was ever going to be good enough for Christian, and for a few traitorous seconds, wondered how something like this could make him better. 

*

He woke needy, writhing against the sheets, even as hands reached for him and drew him close, Nate’s back against Janusz’ chest. Slick flooded out across his inner thighs, but he was still sore when Janusz pushed into him, and he whined in desperation, wanting the knot even as he wanted some relief from the pain. 

'It's okay, baby,' Janusz said softly. 'We'll get through this.'

A hand smoothing back his sweaty hair, and Nate couldn't help but push his hips into Janusz, wanting to be filled and fucked, his vague awareness disappearing into a haze of needing someone to take care of him. 

Afterwards - Janusz coming once, then knotting him when he came the second time - Nate laid there and wanted to die. He stared blankly at the wall, at a poster of a bright orange futuristic-looking car against a black backdrop, and the name 'McLaren' which must have been the brand. He'd never heard of it before. 

'Sweetheart, you're doing rough, huh?' 

'M'fine,' Nate said. 

'Okay.'

Janusz’ hand stroked strands of hair away from his face, unstuck it from his forehead and his ears, and Nate liked it. His hair was long enough to flop into his eyes. Janusz gently tucked it back into place. Nate hated the feeling of being knotted again, dreaded the way it was going to feel as the heat continued. The longer it went, he’d feel the loathing more often, he’d come out of the bliss-soaked lassitude of being knotted faster, until by the end of it...

He thought it would feel worse than it did with Christian, but it just felt the same. Maybe he really was a terrible omega. It should feel worse.

'Do you often get much of an opportunity to eat on the second day?' Janusz asked. 

'I don't eat until after,' Nate said, his voice hoarse from all the moaning. 

'You don't eat for the whole three or four days?'

'No,' Nate said. 'But I can eat if you want me to.'

'It's okay, just let me think for a bit,' Janusz said, reaching over and rubbing Nate's chest a few times before his hand fell still. And like this, weirdly, Nate didn't feel like things were sexual. Janusz wasn't talking about Nate’s ass, or how good or bad he was to fuck, and Nate felt like maybe he wasn't a good fuck at all, but mostly he was glad no one was talking about his body like it was the only thing that mattered about him.

Christian's friends were the worst for that, and he hated it. They talked about his mouth, or his ass, or how well he took a knot, and Christian would say Nate's hair was ugly, or his eyes were the wrong colour, and Nate didn't even blame him. Christian was always the prettiest one in the room, so of course he'd see anyone - even his own partner - as lesser. 'What about some broth? Could you handle something like a clear soup?'

'If you want me to,' Nate said. 

He should have just said Yes. But he couldn't force himself. He was a bad omega. 

He hated everything about this. He didn't really like sex. Even outside of heats. 

'I'll organise for Lachlan - our head chef - to do a drop off soon. If we can get some nutrients into you, I'd be happier. It's a bit scary that you're used to not eating the entire time. Heats are a lot for your body to go through.'

'It's an omega's job to handle it,' Nate said. 'It hasn't killed me yet.'

What a strange conversation to be having with a knot inside him. Nate didn't want to talk anymore, and Janusz didn't pester him with more questions. So Nate let his mind wander. What was Christian doing today? What would he do without Nate in the house with him? Nate would have set an alarm and already forced himself to make breakfast for Christian and any of his friends if he'd invited them, even with slick running down his legs. 

Nate's knees curled up towards his chest, but he stopped moving when it made him notice the knot more. 

He hoped for a heat that would last three days instead of four.

*

Around lunch, Janusz sat him up and had Nate lean weakly against him and had a mug of some kind of chicken broth that was salty and tasty. Nate sipped at it carefully, even as Janusz' hand supported the mug. 

'I should be making this,' Nate said. 

'You're exhausted, baby. Your heats are unusually intense, aren't they? That seems like a pain.'

Nate stared down at the half-cup of broth, took another sip, then tried to force the nausea away, as though that ever really worked. He had to warn Janusz now, but he hated talking about this so much. 

'Um...you're probably going to have to bring other people in.'

'Bring other people in? What do you mean, Nate? Like a doctor?' 

'Um...' 

Don't make me say it. 

'You see- Well, like what you said, my heats are intense, and maybe...you're going to get tired. It's normal to bring other alphas in to help deal with that. That's what Christian used to...'

Nate remembered he wasn't supposed to be talking about Christian and fell silent. Janusz didn't talk for a minute either and Nate figured he was angry. He’d slighted Janusz’ masculinity. That was a cardinal sin. He finished the rest of the broth and stared into the empty mug. It had tasted good. It was probably a home-made chicken stock, with a carcass, and definitely celery leaves, or maybe celery salt, garlic, onions, carrots…definitely some herbs… 

'Nate, I owe you an apology,' Janusz said. 'Last night I made it seem like you can't talk about Christian anymore, but it was early into your heat, and I was feeling pretty possessive. Not cool of me, huh? I overreacted, you're allowed to talk about him. You love him, he's the reason you're here, so of course you're going to talk about him. I'm sorry for pressuring you into feeling like you can't talk about this huge part of your life. I'm the worst at the beginning of someone's heat, and it won't happen again, I promise. You can talk about Christian.'

'Okay,' Nate said. 

'So... did Christian used to bring in other alphas during your heats?' Janusz said, as though checking to make sure he'd heard correctly. 

'It's normal when omegas are...slutty.'

'Okay,' Janusz said. 'We don't really do that here. I know that happens in some omega rehab facilities, but that's never been the way we've done things at Hillview. It's really just one alpha for each omega.'

'Yeah, but even if you're bonded to someone, it's normal to bring alphas in. Like, if they're your friends and you trust them. I'm just saying it's okay.'

'Did Christian do that every time?' 

'Most times.'

'And did you ask for that?' 

'Um, no,' Nate said. 'I…never knew that kind of thing happened. But Christian could tell I needed it, so... Like, Christian knew. He does it for me.'

'Do you ask for that though? Like, now that you know it’s an option? Is that something you ask for?' 

Nate frowned.

'When I'm in- When... When I'm in the middle of my heat, I don't say no.'

'Okay,' Janusz said, rubbing Nate's arm and taking the empty mug from his hands. 'I'm sorry, Nate. We don't do that here.' 

'I might be too much to handle,' Nate said, looking down at the doona cover. 'So... I mean you said yourself, my heats are intense.'

Janusz stretched across the bed and put the mug down on the bedside table, then returned to Nate's side, wrapping an arm around him. It seemed like he was thinking, and Nate didn't want to interrupt him. Maybe guys who had leopard prints on their beds and cars on their walls had problems thinking about stuff. 

God, he was so fucking mean, no wonder Christian sent him here. 

'I'll try my best though,' Nate added. 

'You're already trying your best,' Janusz said softly. 'I'm so proud of you. This situation is really awful. Having a heat start pretty much as soon as you get here gives you no time to settle in, it gives us no time to get to know each other, that's rough. Do you feel like I'm not enough for you at the moment? Like you need more?'

Nate shook his head. No. He definitely didn't want more.

'That's great. Well, we have two really good doctors on staff here, as well as some nurses, which means if you feel like I can't meet your needs, we have meds that can make the cramps less intense. We don't like to use them because of the side effects, but sometimes they're necessary. But so far I feel like we're handling a pretty shitty situation really well. I'm so proud of you for having some of that broth. You're not feeling too sick?'

Nate shook his head. 

'That's good. How about you get some rest, Nate?'

'I could make you something,' Nate said. 'Like a drink? Do you want something to drink?'

'No, baby, I'm good. But... I just want to check, are you used to making food and drink for Christian while you're in heat?'

'Mm. And his friends. I can do that. I know it seems like I can't do much, but I can manage that. Not like...fancy meals, but I can still make basic things like...well, whatever you like.' 

'Yeah,' Janusz said, sighing. ‘You just need to rest, sweetheart. I'd be so happy if you tried doing that for me, okay?'

Nate nodded, eyes closing. Resting, surprisingly, was easy. He wanted to stop talking because he felt like he couldn't keep track of himself, and he didn't want to say anything he shouldn't. 

*

His heat picked up again with a fresh wave of feverish shivering, reaching for Janusz, turning into him and wanting to press his mouth to his, at the last minute turning his face away and pressing his mouth to his shoulder instead. Janusz was gentle, weirdly didn't fuck him straight away, and Nate kept waiting for his gut to hurt in response, but it didn't. The cramps were present but dull as Janusz rubbed his thighs, his belly.

'I don't need foreplay,' Nate reminded him. 

'I know, sweetheart. But it's not bad, is it?'

No, it wasn't bad. He shook his head as his body temperature rose and he felt foggy again. He was sore enough that he teared up when Janusz pressed into him, but the feeling of his prostate and lare glands being stimulated was too good, it flooded out the pain, and he was left feeling like the shape of Janusz' cock was already familiar, and Nate disappeared into it, because it was the only part of this whole process that was ever tolerable.

And then, at the end, that rude shove back into reality, when there was a knot stretching him wide open and he was saturated in pheromones and sweat, and this time - out of nowhere - he began to cry, placing his hands over his face. 

God, he was meant to be a sexy omega for Janusz, and he was humiliating himself, but he couldn't stop. He felt so desolate. There was an alpha knot inside him, and he felt...like nothing would ever be okay again. 

Janusz didn't tell him to stop crying. He didn't say it was normal. He didn’t tell him that he was being manipulative or cruel.

He just said: 'Oh, sweetheart,' and stroked his hair away from his face again – something Nate was coming to crave – and kissed the back of his head and kept him close. Nate wanted it to be over. 

But it wasn't over. His body allowed him an hour to hate himself, and then doze, and then he woke to that fever returning and he almost begged it to stop, but he bit down on his tongue and looked into Janusz' grey eyes and wondered why the alpha looked so sad. 

*

Later that night, Nate felt shivery and weak, like he was really sick, but that happened during a heat. He was used to feeling like this on day four, not day two, and he couldn't bear another two days of this. He'd managed one more cup of broth, then curled up in a mess of blankets on the floor while Janusz stripped the sheets.

'I can do it,' Nate had said.

'I know you can,' Janusz had said warmly, 'but I know where everything is.'

'You can just tell me where everything is.'

'I know,' Janusz said, and then he'd stripped his own bed and put on a new mattress protector, and clean sheets, and Nate was teary watching him, because he loved the feeling of clean, dry sheets and fresh blankets, and unless he stripped the bed himself, he just had to lie in his and Christian’s come and sometimes the come of other people until he was done. Sometimes they did it in the lounge, on the big couch, and it was so hard to clean those cushions. They had a small steam cleaner, but Nate's heats were intense, and every time he and Christian watched television, Nate always worried that maybe the cushions weren't clean enough, even though they looked fine. 

When Janusz was done, he pulled back the blankets - the doona with its leopard print had remained - and came over and helped Nate up, then picked up all the blankets that surrounded him and put them on the bed as well. 

'You...have to tell me which ones you like best,' Nate said, his voice croaky. 

'I like every blanket in this house, or I wouldn't have kept them,' Janusz said, and Nate didn't have the heart to dig deeper to see if that was a test. He moved the blankets around fractiously so that some were bunched up behind him, and it was pretty half-hearted as nests went, but having something warm and soft at his back while Janusz laid down in front of him, let something settle in his chest. He breathed raggedly, dreading the next wave. He was so tired. He wanted to complain, everything in him wanted to complain, but Christian hated complaining. He even hated it when Nate looked like he wanted to complain. 

'Don't look at me with those eyes, Nate, I'm doing everything I can for you. Why would you make me feel guilty like that? You know that's a trigger.'

Nate kept his face down, and didn't meet Janusz’ eyes, just in case he had complaints written across his face and didn't realise. 

'The waves of your heat are getting less intense, sweetheart, have you noticed?' Janusz said. 'I don't think this is going to last four days.'

Nate just nodded. He wasn't sure. Three to four days was normal. He'd never had the shorter heats that other omegas had when they were in a happy or fulfilled relationship. It was because he was slutty and needy, and he understood that, even as he hated it. 

Two hours later he woke to heat cramps and made a sound of confusion, then reached out blindly to Christian, thinking he was back home. He felt a familiar panicked need, the horrible knowledge that Christian might push him away to someone else. When he heard Janusz' sleepy voice, when the lamp turned on, he realised where he was and made a sound of fright before he could stop himself. He'd really thought it was Christian, and Janusz paused and studied him with wide eyes, and Nate apologised over and over again for not remembering. 

'I'm sorry,' he said. 'I'm sorry, I thought I was home. I'm sorry. I know it's you. I know it's you. I'm sorry.'

'Hey, hey,' Janusz said, his voice softening. 'It's okay. That must have been a shock. You don't need to apologise to me.'

'I'm sorry,' Nate said. 'Please, please...'

Janusz reached for him and drew him close, and Nate gave a relieved whimper as the cramps settled instead of ramping up. They weren't nasty like before, but they were still present, and he was still going to need to be knotted again. 

'You were sleeping,' Nate sobbed. 'I'm sorry. I'll let you sleep.'

'Baby,' Janusz said, 'no, you're supposed to wake me up. You did the right thing.'

'I'm sorry I'm like this.'

'I'm not. You don't need to apologise, this is all normal, Nate, I promise. How are the cramps?'

Nate needed a few moments to calm his breathing, realising how hysterical it had become in his desperation to apologise. He pressed his face into Janusz' neck and breathed deeply, needing more of that scent, and he shook his head. Shook his head again. 

'Not as bad.'

'No?'

Because you're here. It felt like a betrayal of Christian to say it, so he said nothing at all. 

'All right, nice and easy then,' Janusz said. 'If they're not as intense, let's just see where they go, okay? We don't have to rush into fucking right now. If you need more, you'll let me know. Until then, this is helping, right?'

This being Nate pressed against Janusz' whole naked body, face buried against his neck, as Janusz' arms clamped around his back and kept him close. Yes. It was helping. Christian found his neediness between knots disgusting, so Nate didn't have much practice with this part. The cuddling part. It was weird. But it definitely helped. 

'Only if you like it,' Nate whispered. 

'Yeah, I like it. I'm a cuddler.' 

Gross. 

'It's not gross,' Janusz said. 'But not everyone's like me.' 

Nate was doing it again. Saying things he shouldn't be saying at all. But Janusz hadn't yelled at him yet. Maybe the alphas here didn't start yelling until the first heat was over. Nate didn't know and he didn't have enough energy to puzzle it out. He breathed Janusz' scent and pressed into the contact, and even tangled his feet against Janusz'. His breathing slowed, then evened out. 

'You going to sleep again for me, baby?'

'I'm...but... I was going to- The heat...'

'How are the cramps?'

'Good,' Nate said, confused. He didn’t feel like he needed to be fucked at all. What was wrong with him?

'How about you try and get some sleep for me, Nate? Your body will tell you when it needs to be knotted again, all right? Until then, you're allowed to sleep.'

Allowed... He was allowed to sleep. Nate's eyebrows furrowed and breathed in deeply and felt like he was lucky that Janusz' scent was so good. He yawned, and Janusz yawned a moment later, and Nate wanted to say something about how yawns were contagious except with Christian, but he fell asleep before the thought formed into a sentence. 

Chapter Text

When Nate woke, he was acutely aware of how clammy and disgusting he was. His own slick and Janusz' come was drying to the insides and backs of his thighs. Dull cramps in his pelvis and balls and ass throbbed, and his stomach felt like a small, hard stone. He needed to piss, he wanted to wash his hair. He felt fetid and disgusting. He didn't know how other omegas handled this part. Were they well enough to shower during their heat? Nate wanted to shower. The end of a heat was always terrible. 

Wait.

The end of a heat?

Nate laid there, confused, keeping very still. Could three days have passed without him noticing? He couldn’t be at the end, could he?

Maybe his heat was shorter because it came on so quickly, and it wasn't fully developed, and he'd go through a proper one later. Or maybe he was having a shorter heat because he was with someone new, and his body recognised that Janusz wasn't his real partner.

The thought pleased him until it became nauseating. 

If Nate didn't bond properly with Janusz now, he'd have to do it between heats - which would be impossible - or during the next heat, which would be months away. Then he'd have to stay here longer and longer, until he became good again. Good enough. Nate’s face screwed up, he wanted to hear Christian's voice, even though he knew Christian would be upset with him for not being pleasant and nice and accommodating. Just once, he wanted to hear Christian like he used to be, back when he hadn't realised how needy and awful Nate was. Back in the beginning, when Christian was nice to him, and Nate got to feel spoiled and cherished.

No, he spoils you now too, what are you thinking? Why are you like this? The only reason it went wrong was because of you.

Nate's thighs shifted, he gagged at the gummy, sticky feeling, knowing he'd need to scrub to get rid of the worst of the cum and the slick. It was disgusting. He gagged again, and then he was pushing up and retching over the side of the bed, trying to make himself stop, shoving his palm over his mouth when he heard Janusz shift in the bed beside him. 

'Baby,' Janusz said, already concerned, already disappointed. 

Shut up, Nate thought miserably. Shut the fuck up. 

He had to be good, but he was such a fucking lost cause. 

'I'm fine,' Nate bit out, choking back the taste of bile, forcing himself to swallow and swallow. 'I'm good. I'm fine. I just need to shower. I'm fine.'

'Are you hurt anywhere?' 

Janusz sat up, and Nate felt a warm hand on his bare shoulder and the urge to scream was so strong he was almost dizzy with it. His breathing shortened, became shallow, and Janusz' hand lifted, then settled again, lighter than before. 

'Tell me what's wrong.' 

Nate knew it was alpha persuasion from the way it broke his mind loose from his body and pushed away the anxious noise. All at once, he felt his awareness cradled in the full strength of Janusz' fist. Nate couldn't fight it. Christian used it too, and at first Nate had liked the way he felt after alpha persuasion, like he'd been controlled and calmed all at once. But now alpha persuasion was the tool Christian used to prove that Nate's thoughts were bitter and wrong, no matter what Nate said or did. 

The very way he thought in his own mind was wrong.

'It's disgusting,' Nate said, moaning as a full wave of revulsion rocked him. 'It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I hate this. I h-hate this. I hate you.'

The command faded from his mind, and Nate couldn't pretend he hadn't meant what he'd just said. In the past, he used to drop to his knees and tell Christian he didn't mean it, that he couldn't control what he was thinking, that he was sorry, he'd fix it...

What was the point? 

'Okay,' Janusz said, as Nate trembled, waiting for the punishment. 'I almost wish you were injured, Nate, that would be a lot easier to fix, wouldn't it? A shower would help though. And I'll strip the sheets.'

'I can do it,' Nate said. 

'Yeah,' Janusz said, laughing softly, sadly, 'I know you can. But I'm going to do it.'

'If you use your alpha persuasion enough, and just keep telling me not to hate you, eventually I won't anymore.'

Janusz was silent for a really long time, and Nate thought he dared too much. He dared far too much for an omega in heat who was there to be rehabilitated, there to get better. These sorts of things were the things he wasn't ever supposed to say. He preferred to be amenable, he preferred to make his alpha happy with him, he wanted to do well, he wanted to please. But in lieu of that, he'd prefer to simply be made to be good. He accepted that they would force him long before he’d even arrived at Hillview.

He would do anything for Christian.

'Jesus,' Janusz said, and Nate turned and looked at him, confused. 'No, it's nothing. That's just not a method we use here. But I think I can see the appeal from your side. Can you shower alone? Or do you need some help?'

'I can do it,' Nate said. 'I'm tired but not... I'm... I don't know. My heat's being weird.'

'Yeah,' Janusz said, gently petting Nate's shoulder before withdrawing his hand. Nate missed the contact, but he wasn't so heat-drunk that he needed to beg for its return. He knew he should though. 'It doesn't smell as intense as before. I'd say it's coming to an end.'

'That's not normal for me. I'll- I can have a normal heat soon.'

'Mm, that’s possible,' Janusz said. 'Let's wait and see on that one. If there's one thing I've learned during my time here, there's not really any such thing as a normal heat. But you know your body best, right? So it could definitely be normal for you! Hop out of bed, and if you feel steady on your feet, you can go shower.'

Nate stood carefully, face creasing at the feeling between his legs. He hated it. He hated it. The cramps meant he wasn't done yet either. Fuck, he wanted to take all of his organs and pulverise them until he didn't have to go through this anymore. Even when his first couple of heats with Christian had been okay, he'd still hated this part. Loathed it. Christian had called his venomous hatred of all the fluids afterwards cute.

Later, Christian had forced him to stay in his filth until he could be graceful about it, until the disgust left his eyes. 

Nate stood there, paralysed, thinking about it. Because that was what Christian wanted, so…

'Nate?' Janusz said, looking at him.

Nate took in Janusz' body, which he hardly knew at all even as he knew it all too well. The shape of his cock, the feel of him coming, the taste of his mouth, the way his tongue moved, the kind of pressure he used with his hands, Nate knew all of that. But looking at him now, Nate felt like Janusz was a complete stranger. Damn it. He not only hadn't managed to start up a dual bond, he hadn't made any kind of bond at all. He was fucking it up. 

'You shouldn't let me shower,' Nate said helplessly, his voice small.

'What do you mean?' Janusz said, sitting up properly, more alert than before. 

'You shouldn't let me shower. I'm supposed to- I'm supposed to like it. Christian wants me to like it.'

'He wants you to like feeling disgusting?' Janusz said. 

'You should...' Nate shouldn't be telling an alpha what he wanted. Janusz would know for himself. But maybe Janusz was being too lenient on him because Nate was fucking pathetic. He needed to be better at this. 'Maybe...you're being too kind to me, because this is all...new to me, and you're a nice person. But all omegas should be graceful and accepting of their own...bodily functions during heat and find it...hot even. And if you're too kind to me now, then I won't- Then it will- Then I'll be here for a long time, and I don't want...' 

What you want doesn't matter. Remember?

'Then I'll be here for a long time,' Nate said stubbornly, trying to find another way to finish the sentence. 'And- And I'll be taking time away from other omegas who need more help than I do.'

A swing and a miss, his mind remarked drily. 

Janusz watched him for a while. God, Nate hated those eyes. It felt like they saw everything. They were like Christian's, in that they could be soft sometimes, but then they were razor sharp. Nate felt it like fingernails on his skin. 

'Of course you know best,' Nate added, feeling sick. 'You know best. I would never- I just know that I can seem...like I need coddling sometimes, but it's exactly that sort of thing that Christian wants fixed.'

Janusz was still watching him. Nate's knees felt weak. He took the single step back to the bed and sank down on the crumpled blankets from his forgotten attempt at a nest, feeling shaky. He could stand. He could. But talking like this to an alpha made him feel awful. He had a headache. His whole torso felt like a bruise. He wasn't leaking slick at least. But he doubted that would last. 

'It's hard to talk about anything when you feel awful,' Janusz said finally. 'That's the same for anyone. It’s normal to not want to be placed in situations where you feel gross or dirty. I appreciate you trying to explain what my job is to me, but-'

'I wasn't!' Nate said, desperation shooting through him when he realised he'd come across exactly how he'd feared. He twisted to face Janusz. 'I wasn't! I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I wasn't, but...'

Janusz wasn't buying it. His expression didn’t change at all.

'I'm sorry,' Nate said, voice breaking. He forced himself to swallow the lump in his throat, curled his fingers to cut nails into his own palms to stop the tears. Christian hated it when he cried, at least, he hated it at times like this. 'I'm sorry, Janusz. I can't- I'm like this. I'm just like this. I'm sorry. I’m sure you can see why I'm here now, I'm sorry, I'm-'

'Calm down,' Janusz said, and as Nate sagged towards the bed, Janusz crawled closer and wrapped an arm around him, supported him. 'There we go. No need to have a panic attack. Just breathe for me, okay?' 

Nate blinked up at the ceiling and was too confused and under the spell of the alpha persuasion to do much when Janusz pulled his legs apart. He didn't want to have more sex, but he couldn't freak out about it either. A few seconds later, Janusz was wiping at his legs and thighs with a corner of the top sheet, and when Nate realised he was getting rid of all the muck - even though some parts of it stung as it ripped away from his skin - he slumped backwards into Janusz' body. 

Janusz moved quickly and efficiently, and Nate could feel the difference, the cool air on his bare thighs, instead of the slime of it all. His breathing was heavy, and as the alpha persuasion faded, he tensed, but didn't move. Nothing Janusz did was predictable. He didn't say a ton of sappy, sweet things like Christian used to in the beginning. But he wasn't being mean either. He'd used alpha persuasion to do this? Nate would have spread his legs for him if he'd just asked. He didn’t have to be relaxed for it. Nothing made sense.

'You're still going to have a shower, or a bath,' Janusz said. 'If you need me to choose one for you, let me know. I'm going to clean the bed, and I'm going to call my supervisor quickly, and then we might watch some TV while your body decides what it needs. I'm not angry with you, okay?'

'But you should be.'

'Hmm.' A gentle, unexpected kiss to the side of his head, and Nate blinked in surprise at the headboard. 

'I swear I can be good,' Nate offered.

'Yeah,' Janusz said, 'I know that, because you have been. That's going to be a big sticking point, I think, because you don't believe me.' 

'You could make me bond with you. You could-'

A hand over his mouth, and Nate fell silent, trembling all over again. Janusz sighed, and Nate closed his eyes, unable to escape the feeling that he was a huge disappointment. How did omegas act when they came here? Maybe they were just...constantly obedient? Maybe they bonded straight away. But those omegas probably came from really bad situations and needed to bond. Nate had Christian waiting for him, and Christian was so good to him. 

The hand dropped from his mouth. Nate said nothing. 

'There's some things we need to talk about,' Janusz said, after what seemed like a lot of thought. 'And we won't do that until after you've spent some time getting clean. Do you want me to pick a shower or bath for you?'

Nate nodded. Truthfully, he wanted a shower, but if he let Janusz pick for him, then-

'A shower,' Janusz said. 'Take as long as you need. You don't have to ask permission to use any of the products in there, as long as you don't use any of them to hurt yourself. I'm showing you a lot of trust right now, I want you to be good, and prove that you're worthy of it, okay?' 

'Yes,' Nate said. 

'I mean it, Nate. Don't hurt yourself in there.'

'I wouldn't,' Nate said. 

'Yeah,' Janusz said, kissing the side of Nate's head again. 'Go on, then. I'll be just out here stripping the bed. And then I'll be out in the lounge. Come find me once you're done. You can get dressed first if you want to.'

Nate stood once more, the insides of his thighs felt a little chafed from the sheet that had rubbed all the come and slick away, but still felt better than they had before. He thought about pointing out that his heat wasn't truly over, he didn't need to wear clothes, but thought the better of it. He kept trying to take control away from Janusz, and it was such an ugly thing to do. Instead, he walked into the bathroom. 

'You can also use any of the towels you see,' Janusz called after him. 'Nothing is off limits.'

The timing was uncanny. Nate had been staring at the towels on the towel rack, wondering if he was allowed to use any of them. He turned and looked over his shoulder, unsure how he felt about this alpha who seemed like such a dumb idiot, knowing to say something like that. Nate hated that he was so easy to figure out. 

He heard the sound of Janusz standing, the sound of a heavy doona falling to the ground. He walked to the shower feeling light-headed and shaky, but definitely not any worse than he usually felt in the late stages of his heat. He knew how to prepare a three-course meal while his ass gaped and he felt dizzy from how thoroughly he'd been used, by comparison this was nothing. 

The shower itself was better than the one back home, the water pressure alone cleared Nate's mind and gave him the first real sense of peace he'd had since being knotted. Nate stood under the spray, knowing he should be rushing, unable to make himself. A few minutes later, he started washing himself with the loofah. Janusz' scent wreathed around him, heavier in the steam, and he was surprised at how much he didn't hate it. He knew he wasn't bonded to it, but it wasn't... it wasn't repellent. 

He must have taken at least twenty minutes by the time he was done. He was worried he'd taken too long, but when he ducked his head out of the bathroom, Janusz wasn't there. Nate could hear his voice coming from down the hall, muffled with the bedroom door closed. So he must be talking to his supervisor then. 

The dirty laundry was already gone. The bed had fresh sheets, and folded blankets for a new nest. Janusz worked fast, and Nate stood by the bed, looking down at it. He felt clean and numb, as though his body's complaints and aches were coming to him from a distance. All of his clothes were down the corridor in the other room that was supposed to be his. After hesitating, he opened the door and walked towards that room, and paused when he heard Janusz' voice. 

'...expect it to be so hard, Temsen. This is nothing like the other- No, I know. I know. No, I think I can, I just worry I'm underprepared. He deserves the best, y'know? And I might gas myself up sometimes but come on.'

Nate walked into the bedroom that was supposed to be his and opened up his bag, pulling out some briefs and a shirt. He didn't think he needed more clothing. There was no point. He was staying here to be fucked into being good again. Trousers were a joke.

At first he'd assumed the phone call to the supervisor was about him but realised it must have been about someone else. Nate wasn't someone who deserved the best, and there was nothing special about Nate's case, aside from how hard it would be to improve his disposition. 

By the time he walked down the corridor, Janusz was off the phone and had turned on the electric kettle. 

'I can make something,' Nate said quickly. 'I really can.'

'I know you can,' Janusz said. 'Do you feel better?'

'Um, yes,' Nate said, his fingers tangling nervously in the hem of his shirt. 'Sorry about...all the things I said. I'm- I won't tell you I didn't mean them, because you used alpha persuasion so I guess you...know. But I'm still sorry. I understand why I'm here, trust me.'

'Yeah,' Janusz said, moving around his kitchen efficiently. Nate wished he would just give him a chance to show he could make him something, do something for him. He was much better when he was focused. 'We're going to have a conversation actually.'

Nate froze. 

Any time Christian said, We need to talk, it meant something awful. And Janusz must have noticed something, because his expression changed to something that could have been concern. 

'Yeah,' Janusz said again, with a smile that was more like a grimace. 'That's kind of what I mean, Nate. But let's get it over and done with, okay? And we can go from there.'

Nate didn't know how to brace himself for something worse than what was already happening to him. He'd have to be content with the two trembling deep breaths he managed, before he followed Janusz to the small kitchen table. 

Chapter Text

Another mug of hot chocolate was pushed in front of him, and Nate cradled it lightly between his fingertips, staring down at the table because he could guess what Janusz was going to say. At least, he thought he could. So much of this wasn't going how he thought it would. Even the heat itself. He thought it was absurd that they didn't bring in extra alphas, though...it also seemed true that he didn't need them. Maybe Christian would be relieved to know that?

Nate didn't think so. After all, he'd probably had some kind of weird half-heat here, and Janusz would find out what it was really like soon enough. 

'So,' Janusz said, exhaling heavily, 'I'm going to say a few things you're going to disagree with. I want you to just...wait a bit before you do that, okay?'

'Yes, Janusz,' Nate said. 

'You're not in trouble,' Janusz said.

'Okay.'

'You don't believe me, of course,' Janusz said.

When Nate looked up, Janusz' smile was wry, and he took a drink from his own mug, which smelled like maybe it had coffee in it. 

'I can make things for you,' Nate said. 'You must be tired after everything... Can I make you something?' 

Janusz looked across the lounge like he felt haunted. Maybe he was remembering how much easier past omegas had been. Nate contemplated the table, which was smaller and plainer than any piece of furniture back at Christian's place. He imagined Christian standing beside him for support, but it wasn’t reassuring, because Christian would be telling him how much he'd messed up. He'd be nodding his head sagely at the fact that Janusz had to lecture him already. 

'If you want, after your heat, you can make me things sometimes,' Janusz said finally. 'But I like to make things too. I'm not looking for a servant. I’ve never wanted a servant. Is doing things for other people something you enjoy?'

'Yes, very much,' Nate said. 

'Yeah. I'd like to believe that, but right now... Nate, there's no real delicate way of saying this, but there's some- There's some fairly clear signs you've been through a pretty hard time, actually.'

'A hard time,' Nate said slowly. 'Me?'

'Yeah,' Janusz said, smiling down into his coffee cup. 'Yeah. I don't expect you to believe me. I can see you have a lot of reasons not to trust some of the things I say. And I can tell you've been taught to... ah, someone's taught you to put pleasing your alpha above anything else. Including yourself.'

Nate's forehead creased. He had to play the words back again repeatedly, and they still didn't make any sense. 

'I don't...think that's true,' Nate said tactfully. 'Because I'm here...because I'm not pleasing to Christian?'

'Right, that's the reason you've been told, absolutely. I was there, Christian was pretty clear with what he wanted. But Nate, you're already kind of hurting yourself trying to meet this guy's expectations.'

'I'm not,' Nate said quickly. 'I'm really not. And I can go further. I know I seem...weak, but-'

Janusz held up his hand. 'Just wait before you start disagreeing with me,' he said. 'Wait a bit. Hear me out, first. Nate, it's not normal in most relationships - in most healthy relationships - for an alpha to bring in other alphas during an omega’s heat. Not unless that's pre-negotiated, and both parties agree.'

'I agreed,' Nate said. 

Janusz gave him a look, and Nate had to avert his gaze. 

'The thing is, Nate-'

'-How can I sit here and listen to you insinuate terrible things about my lover?' Nate said, staring down at the floor. 'Is that what a good omega would do? Just sit there and stand by while you tell me that our relationship isn't healthy? Unless you're telling me it's my fault, I don't want to hear it.' The horror of realising he was talking back, and to an alpha no less, made him feel awful. He folded his arms. 'I'm sorry. You told me to be quiet. You can see I'm not good at behaving, at listening, even when I try.'

'You're not a robot, babe. You're a person with a personality, and you have opinions about things, and it looks like that's been very nearly crushed out of you by someone, but-'

'No,' Nate hissed. 'Stop this. Is this a test? Is this something to test how much I love him? It won't ever work. Is he making you say these things? Because I'll never betray him like that, ever. If our relationship isn't healthy, it's because of me. And I know that. And if I seem...if I seem...'

Nate placed a hand on his forehead. He didn't pull away when Janusz reached out and rested his fingers over Nate's other hand where it rested on the table. 

'Okay,' Janusz said. 'Okay, Nate, I'm sorry. It's too soon. Of course you're protective of him. Any omega would be. That's the right thing to do, sweetheart.'

'You and me, we didn't bond,' Nate said. ‘And we were meant to. It means I have to stay here longer, doesn't it? Can't you just force a premature heat? Like in the other facilities?'

'God,' Janusz said. 'No. We don't do that here. It's not healthy, for a start. Nate you didn't bond because it's just too soon. We hardly know each other. And you have a vested interest in keeping yourself as safe as possible, and right now I think that looks like...preserving the bond with Christian.'

'But this won't work if I don't bond with you,' Nate whispered. 'Right? So can't you make me?'

Janusz didn't reply, and Nate knew he was pushing it. He kept talking back, speaking up, doing things that Christian had pointed out were terrible manners such a long time ago Nate tried to never do it around him. But he felt like...someone trying to smear Christian's good name deserved it maybe. Even if Janusz had been caring during his heat.

'Let's do a question exchange,’ Janusz said, changing the subject. ‘Just a little one. I'll ask you a question, and then you can ask me one, and we'll go back and forth and get to know each other. What do you think?' 

'Yes, okay,' Nate said, sipping at the hot chocolate. The lecture seemed to be over, at least.

'So! What's your favourite colour?'

The question was so cliched, and Nate was shocked at the impish smile on Janusz' face, it made him look years younger. Nate was sure he was seeing what Janusz might have looked like as a teenager. He seemed like the kind of guy who would have been into cars back then too, and sports maybe. The kind of guy who was popular and played AFL on the grassed oval at lunchtime with all the other young betas and alphas.

'Cerulean,' Nate said. 

'That's a blue, right?' Janusz said. 

Nate was surprised Janusz knew that much, and it must have shown on his face, because Janusz winked. 'The McLaren 765LT came in cerulean blue. Looked pretty sexy, honestly. Nice colour choice.'

'I was...thinking more of the sky,' Nate said. 

Cars, did he have to relate everything back to cars? 

'Your turn,' Janusz said. 

'Why cars?' Nate said, feeling helpless. 

'Yeah, you're not a car slut, huh?' Janusz said, laughing loudly. 'Nothing wrong with that. Hmm. As to why? I don't know, really. There's a bit of a hoon culture where I grew up, back in Armadale.'

'Armadale,' Nate said, blinking. 'Ah.'

'Yeah, I know all the things they say about Armadale, I've said a few of them myself,' Janusz said. 'Do you know what hooning is?'

'Um. Just... driving cars like an idiot. Burnouts. Doughnuts. Speeding. But out on public roads. Being...reckless. Putting people's lives in danger.'

'Yep, that's basically the police definition I guess, but there's a big culture around it. That was my life when I was a teen. I was into cars earlier than that because a teacher I respected in high school was a mechanic in his spare time and fixed up these vintage cars and it was just...something I thought was really cool. I was in trouble a bit back then because I thought it was awesome to rebel against my parents, so I spent a fair bit of time with that teacher. I would've been a mechanic if it wasn't for this line of work. I still might get back into it one day.'

Nate had more questions to ask, but Janusz leaned forwards and asked: 'Favourite food?'

'Whatever you...' He had to stop because Janusz' expression seemed disappointed. 'Um. When- When I was a kid... When I was a kid my dad used to get us both those, um... chicken roll meals from Red Rooster and we'd drive down to the beach and eat them while looking at the waves and the people walking by. And he'd read to me. I- I guess I liked... I get nostalgic when I have chips with chicken salt now. And hot chicken and mayo rolls too.'

'Yeah, they're really good, right? What kind of stuff did your dad read to you?'

'It's my turn,' Nate said, and Janusz smiled. Nate forced himself not to fidget and tried to think of a question. 'Why...are you doing this job?'

'You want the truth? Or the short version?'

'The truth,' Nate said. 

'The truth is that my parents were really strict about me going to university. They wanted me to have the education they didn't, and university is important in like…my extended family. I was all for becoming a mechanic, ready to get an apprenticeship and drop out of school, and my parents put their foot down and said if I really wanted to be a mechanic, I could do it after a degree. And being the mischievous shit that I am, I decided to go into Omega Theory so I could become a companion and fuck hot omegas.'

Nate choked on his drink, then coughed violently. He nodded frantically when Janusz asked if he was all right. 

'I know,' Janusz said, 'pretty terrible. That's what I thought I was doing. But then I got really interested in it all and I ended up specialising and getting First Class Honours, and I even thought about getting a PhD and going into pure research, but I heard about this fancy centre in the southwest, and kind of needed to get away from my folks, and... ended up here.'

'So you got your wish.'

'My wish changed,' Janusz said, serious now. 'It changed while I was at university. I started the degree to find omegas to fuck. I stayed in this line of work to help omegas, ultimately, and I must like it...because I haven't gone back to fixing up cars ever since. I still have a beauty out in the garage that I take out sometimes. Maybe we'll go for a ride in it some time.'

'Do you like it then? Being this far away from the city?'

'My turn now,' Janusz said, smiling. 

Nate swallowed. Nodded. 

'What kind of stuff did your dad read to you?' 

It was a surprise, to hear the same question Janusz had asked earlier. A surprise that Janusz even seemed interested. He remembered having a similar conversation with Christian, but Christian had talked about how cheap and disgusting Red Rooster was, talked about how it was 'povvo food' for poor people. And Nate's parents weren't poor, they were middle class, but Christian didn't like any of that kind of food. 

'All sorts of things,' Nate said. 'A lot of classics, a lot of literature. The Slaughterhouse Five, and... The Grapes of Wrath, the first two parts of Lord of the Rings, and the whole Tomorrow series, the one that starts with Tomorrow, When the War Began by Marsden.'

'A classic in its own right,' Janusz said. 

Nate squinted at him, then looked around the cottage again. There were no books. Maybe he’d been forced to read it in high school.

‘Dad read all sorts of things to me,' Nate said. ‘It made me want to be a writer. A lot. There’s writers in my extended family, too. We all care about stories. But then I realised I'm not suited for writing novels.'

'No?' 

'I tried,' Nate said, drinking half of the hot chocolate and smiling a little to himself to think on it. 'I tried writing novels when I was young. I tried all kinds of stories. None of it worked. But when I found poetry...'

'So you're a poet?' Janusz said, sounding strangely excited. 

'I'm... Well, no,' Nate said. 'But I do- I like writing it...'

'Why?' 

Nate frowned. 'Isn't it...my turn?'

'I guess it is,' Janusz said easily. 'Go on then.'

'You got extra questions,' Nate said, feeling uncertain now. Had they just been making conversation then? As easily as that? Nate couldn't remember the last time he'd talked about himself so much. 

'You let me. And it's good getting to know more about you.'

Nate wasn't so sure. 'Why do you have such a fast turnaround time with omegas? What makes you fast?' 

'That's two questions but I'll let it slide,' Janusz said like he was joking, but the gentle teasing made Nate feel tense. 'There's a few reasons. The first is that I'm not given the most serious cases, those omegas are the most long-term anyway. So that's part of it. I can't take all the credit, right? Let's see... I'm friendly. I'm pretty honest. But Nate, I'm not sure it's just me, there's nothing magic or special about me. I think I'm less possessive than some of the other alphas on the grounds, but other omegas need possessive alphas in order to recover.'

'Recover,' Nate said. It was an odd word to choose, rather than rehabilitate or retrain.

'Yeah,' Janusz said. 'You can come up with a million reasons to bring an omega to a rehab centre, but the majority of the time the reason omegas turn up here is that they're traumatised and can't exist healthily within themselves or their relationships anymore.' 

'Oh, that must be hard...to deal with that much trauma,' Nate mused. 'As a job, I mean.'

'Mmhm. Yeah.'

Nate could tell Janusz was looking at him a bit weirdly, but he didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to argue. Janusz said he'd stop, and Nate didn't want to be the one to open that door again. He was tired. 

'What kind of poetry do you write?' Janusz asked. 

'I... Anything, really. Just- Words. I think about how to describe things a lot.'

'In what kind of way?' Janusz asked. 

Nate scowled at him, because it wasn't his turn, but after a while he decided to answer because Janusz was the alpha, because Nate never got to talk about this stuff with anyone these days. Christian only liked the poems that were about him, or were relevant to his interests, and even then he seemed bored with them at times.

'I guess I look at things and wonder how they'd look in a poem. How I'd describe your room. Or...this place. How...'

A cramp heavier than the others - which had been insistently but quietly knocking away inside him the entire time - turning in him like a wheel of spikes. He gasped down a wretched sound before he could stop himself, and Janusz was by his side only seconds later, kneeling by his side and pulling Nate down from the chair into his arms. 

'It's going to help,' Janusz said of the close contact, like he understood exactly what had happened. 

Nate's nostrils flared on Janusz' scent at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. Like iron or copper, but nothing like blood, and it was bright, like sparks coming off a welder's grinder. The cramp continued, and Nate pressed closer instinctively. 

'I'm sorry,' Nate said. 

'No, no, you don't need to be sorry. You're doing amazing. Thanks for answering my questions, hey. I'm sorry this heat is being so miserable.'

Nate had his legs around Janusz' hips, nose up against Janusz' neck, and an arm tentatively resting against his back. He breathed and told himself this was it, this was all he'd need, he didn’t need to be fucked again. But he knew it wasn't true. 

'Would you ever write poetry for me?' Janusz asked. 

About how stupid you are, Nate thought dully, and then shrugged. 

'You're so brave,' Janusz said, his voice hushed against the side of Nate's head. 'This is such a brave thing, Nate, even though it doesn't feel like it.'

'I'm sorry I said I hate you.'

'Hate me,' Janusz said. 'Hate me, sweetheart.'

'But you're being nice.'

'Yeah?' A hand came up and stroked through his still-damp hair. Nate shuddered. His ass twitched as he realised how empty he felt, and he pressed closer. 'I want to be nicer to you. You'll have to teach me.'

'No. Christian...' Janusz had told him not to speak about him, and then Janusz had told him it was okay again. Nate couldn't get through this without saying Christian's name. 'Christian doesn't want you to be nice.'

'Does Christian work as an omega companion?'

'...No.'

'Then maybe trust the expert today, okay?'

Nate didn't see the point in arguing. He nodded. The spinning wheel of pain inside him was settling, but the cramps were settling lower, and his cock was hardening in his briefs. Heat bloomed freshly within his abdomen, down in his balls, in his ass, and Nate closed his eyes in bitter resignation. Of course he couldn't just talk to someone. He was here to be broken in, to be forced into bonding. 

'Is it really okay to be nice to me?' Nate wondered. 

'I promise,' Janusz said roughly. 'I promise it is.' 

Nate gripped Janusz' shirt harder, he opened his mouth against Janusz' skin, wanting that scent in his mouth, not just in the back of his nose. Just like that, he knew he'd beg to be fucked and knotted again, and he could've laughed, the idea of wanting to be a poet was absurd, wasn't it? At times like this? He wiped his eyes on Janusz' shirt and hoped he wouldn't notice, and gave into the new heat surge, because he didn't want to think anymore.

Chapter Text

Nate ground down against Janusz' crotch, and then shuddered when he felt hands on either side of his waist, until he realised he was being stopped. 

'We're not going to do this here, okay, sweetheart?'

Nate stared at him in confusion. Why not? Christian fucked him anywhere. The floor, couches, against the bathroom counter, sometimes even in public with Nate's knees balancing precariously on a toilet seat, which he hated with all his heart. Christian got what he wanted, whenever he wanted it, and this time Nate wanted it too, so he stared at Janusz in confusion.

'Here's fine,' Nate said. 'Please. I want to. You know I want to.'

Janusz made a sound like he was upset. He stood and picked up Nate in his arms, and Nate clung on, making a sound of fright. 

'Why not here?' Nate said, panicking. 'What's wrong with here? We should do it here. On the floor. I want to.'

'I know it feels like that's a good idea, but you're a bit thin, and the tiles and rug aren't really enough protection for your bones, okay? I don't want you feeling sore after.'

'Don't you want me?' Nate said, feeling like he should be walking down the corridor himself, but the cramps were needling at him, sharp and small, rolling over and over through his body. Janusz held him closer, nose pressing down into Nate's neck. 

'Sweetheart, wanting to do this on a bed doesn't mean I don't want you. It means I want you and I want you to feel comfy, yeah? Comfortable is good! We like that, in this house, okay?' 

Nate wasn't sure he believed him, but it was true that the tiles were cold, and having the close contact was helping anyway. But Nate's groin felt drawn and tense, his cock hard again, and the conversation they'd just had was already fading from his mind. He wanted to turn and press closer, but he didn't want to fall. 

When Janusz lowered him down to the bed, Nate held onto Janusz' shirt with hands, forcing Janusz to bend over him. Because Nate was needy, even though he hated being like this. 

'Aren't heats...terrible?' Nate said, staring at up Janusz, feeling like he needed to keep better control of himself. 'This is such a burden for you.' 

Janusz' forehead pressed against his, and strong hands came down on his thighs, gripping them tightly. Nate listened to his breathing, and didn't mind the smell of it like he thought he would. Janusz' pheromones were in this whole room now, the scent was stronger down this side of the cottage. And Nate went to spread his legs, but the strong grip kept him in place. Nate liked feeling that strength, even though it confused him too. 

'You're not a burden to me,' Janusz said, his voice rough and fervent. 'Heats can be terrible, but not for me. It's hard on you to have your hormones doing this. You've not had a chance to bond with me, and I think this is incredibly difficult for your body.'

'I'm doing it wrong?'

'No,' Janusz said. 'No, sweetheart, I promise you're not. Now, do you need something fast? Or do you need something slower?'

'Whatever you-'

Fingers touching his lips so gently, but Nate stopped anyway. Janusz pulled back a little. His stubble was longer, he hadn't had a chance to shave since they'd met, though it seemed like he had stubble all the time. Christian was always clean-shaven. Janusz looked...scruffy. But his overcast grey eyes were intense and bright, like he was saying so many things with them. 

'I get to make the final decision,' Janusz said. 'I want you to try really hard for me, and tell me what you need.' 

Nate didn't know what he needed. Or he did, but the words were banished to some faraway part of him, because they didn't belong in this conversation and they weren't the right words to say. But Janusz must have recognised that he'd been about to speak, because his lips quirked and he looked a little sad, a little pleased. 

'What was it, Nate? What were you about to say?' 

'Nothing,' Nate whispered. 

'Please? We had such a good conversation before, I liked it so much. You can tell me.'

Nate knew it wasn't true, and he felt angry and lost when he said: 'I want to go home.' 

Janusz nodded, his face did something, like he was masking an expression, and then his arms slid beneath Nate's back and he pulled him close, holding him. Nate's breathing was so close to crying, but he didn't want to cry again, and he was trying to hold back. Nate wanted to apologise, too. The reason he was here, was because Christian deserved better, someone more trained, someone who could be nicer, someone who wouldn't make a moment like this into his own dumb needs, but would focus on Janusz instead. Nate reached up and placed a clenched fist over his eye, wishing he could hide, be alone, deal with his shit, come out composed like a perfect love letter, instead of the mess of words and thoughts that he was. 

'Thank you,' Janusz said. 'I wish I could make that happen for you.'

Nate wondered if he actually meant it. 

After that, Janusz kept Nate close with an arm around him, and his other hand trailed down Nate's torso and then slipped beneath his briefs. To Nate's surprise, his cock was only half-hard, and he could feel immediately that he wasn't making as much slick as usual, either. He was unable to stop himself hissing from the pain when Janusz' fingers moved as gently as possible over swollen, abused skin. But Nate still spread his legs obediently, and Janusz kissed his cheek gently, humming to himself. 

'I think you need contact,' Janusz said. 'It's the cramps, right? But you're not showing many signs that you're ready to be fucked.'

'You can fuck me.'

'I know, sweetheart. But there's a lot of things I can do for your heat, especially when you're sore. I think you are at the end of it. This is just a bit of a hiccup.'

Nate frowned and then his eyelids fluttered and closed when Janusz rubbed at his inner thigh, and then moved up and rubbed his pelvis too. It felt nice, and the cramps eased off. Janusz moved Nate onto the bed properly then, but his hands weren't rough, even though they were firm. Nate weakly lifted his arms when Janusz pulled off his shirt, and then shimmied his hips to help Janusz get his briefs off. When Janusz indicated he should turn over, Nate nodded to himself as he went, because of course they were going to fuck. 

A drawer opening and closing, and Nate kept his eyes closed and tried not to think about all the things they'd just talked about. He was just here to be some meat that bonded to someone else for a while, and it would be hard, and then at the end he'd get Christian back. 

A click of a cap, probably lubricant, and then the sound of hands rubbing together, which was weird. Another click, something dropping on the bed beside them, and then Janusz' hands pressed flat to his lower back and the heels of his palms dug in and made slow, circular motions that felt... that felt...

Nate turned his head to the side, trying to figure out if he liked it. And then Janusz did something just above Nate's hips which felt aching, deep and good, and he felt like his body was unravelling. The cramps eased back, and Nate's breathing slowed. 

'You are thin,' Janusz said quietly. 'If any of this hurts in a bad way... well you probably won't tell me, but you can. The purpose of this isn't to harm you.' 

Nate didn't say anything. When Janusz moved oil-slippery hands up either side of his spine all the way to his neck, Nate felt a sharp wave of lassitude spread out across in tingles through his shoulders and arms, all the way down to his fingers. When Janusz' palms moved back down, the pressure was so firm that Nate's back cracked twice, and he flinched because he didn't expect it. 

'You okay?' Janusz said. 

'Um... yeah, I... yes.' Nate said. 

'Good boy,' Janusz said. 'Felt good?'

Nate nodded, shocked. 

'Your heat's fine,' Janusz said quietly as he kept massaging him with confident strokes that suggested someone who knew how to do this. Janusz understood Nate's body better than he did, maybe even better than Christian, which was a bizarre, mean thing to think. 'You've definitely had enough pheromones, and I think your body is trying to come out of it, but you just need some more reassurance, and touch like this can really help. You said before that your heats often last longer, but they seem very intense to me, and quite...overwhelming? It's possible that you need more variety in the ways that you're being touched. Does Christian massage you often? It's a good thing for alphas to learn how to do.'

Nate pressed his lips together. Eventually he just shook his head. 

'Oh,' Janusz said. 'So this is your first time?' 

Nate nodded. 

'That's a shame. Though I'm glad I can introduce you to it. It's not hard to learn some of the basics.'

'I've...massaged Christian,' Nate said. 'I looked online.'

'Yeah,' Janusz said warmly. 'That's a very caring thing to learn how to do.' 

When Janusz moved down to Nate's lower thighs, Nate groaned and sucked down a huge, deep breath, feeling like he was clearing cobwebs out of his lungs. Janusz made a sound too, like he was enjoying himself, and Nate wanted to tell himself to work harder, to do more for Janusz, to remind him they could fuck, but instead he just wanted to...enjoy it. This was the first nice thing he'd had in a while, where he wasn't begging stupidly to be fucked, and it felt fragile and strange to be touched like this. He was certain he didn't deserve it, Christian would know. But at least Nate could get to know what it was like. 

'That's it,' Janusz said, when Nate's arms stretched out, his fingers splaying. 'It will help tomorrow too. I bet you're pretty sore after your heats.'

'I can handle it.'

'You're a trooper, but even they get to put up their arms once in a while and relax. You worked really hard during your heat, especially with a complete stranger. Look, no one's going to pretend that's easy or even fair, but we can make it so it's not all horrible.' 

Nate didn't nod, didn't shake his head, and when thumbs moved along the tendons and muscles that connected to his hip bones, he made a strangled sound at the feeling of taut tissue being encouraged to relax for possibly the first time in years. He could tell the parts of him that were stubborn because Janusz returned to those places again and again, until Nate eventually started to feel the looseness that Janusz was coaxing out of him.

His arousal returned after a while, and his cock got hard between his legs. He didn't know if it was heat or not, he wasn't craving being knotted, he wanted... He wanted to come. He said nothing at all, but opened his mouth when he felt Janusz' hands stroke down his inner thighs. 

'Lift your hips for me,' Janusz said. 'Can you get your knees under you? Just a little?' 

Nate pushed up, surprised at how slowly his body seemed to be moving. Janusz helped him, and then got a hand around his cock, and squeezed the hard muscle with oil-slippery fingers and Nate's fingers clenched into the pillow. 

'That's good, huh?' Janusz said, sounding confident, and something in Nate responded to that alpha arrogance. It was...kind of nice when they knew what they were doing. When it was like this. In the beginning, when he'd first started dating Christian, it was nice when Christian decided what they'd do, or where they'd go, and Nate enjoyed all of it. 

Janusz' other hand smoothing over his thigh, his hip, along his torso, and then came back and spread his ass cheek. Nate didn't even care that he was going to be fucked, even though he knew it'd hurt like this. He didn't want to be knotted, but he thought it was only fair payment after everything Janusz had done for him. He was sure alpha companions didn't have to be nice like this. All his research indicated they wouldn't be nice at all. 

Nate's brain paused all his thoughts when he felt an exhale on his sore, swollen ring, and then his breathing stopped completely when he felt Janusz' tongue - his tongue - pressing flat against the sensitive skin, licking over it. Horror grew inside of him, and he was shocked by the hungry sound Janusz made when he licked over him more. 

'That's-'

'You taste so good,' Janusz said, hand tightening on Nate's cock. 

'That's...' 

'Mm?' The noise vibrated down into his hole and Nate wanted to push up and twist around, but he was already on his knees and Janusz' hand started moving on his cock. 

'You like it?' Nate said, incredulous. 

'Love it,' Janusz said, laughing, pressing his lips against rarely exposed skin, licking up the slick that Nate had started producing like he enjoyed the taste, like it wasn't awful. 'You've just showered, there's nothing to worry about. Let me have some fun, yeah?' 

Nate stared ahead as that tongue licked messily over him, sometimes prodding down into his opening, though not quite entering, and other times painting flat, heavy strokes that made Nate's belly feel like it had butterflies inside of it. Nate wanted to talk him out of it, tell him it was disgusting, feral, he hated doing it himself whenever Christian demanded it, and he'd never imagined in a million years that an alpha could do it to someone else. Didn't Janusz feel demeaned? Disrespected? Why did he seem to like it so much? He was making... he was making so many hungry noises. 

Nate's face burned, his whole body heated, and when Janusz' tongue finally pushed inside of him, he opened his mouth on a broken sound that he couldn't keep down. The hand on his cock was the thing really driving him towards orgasm, but all these extra, intense sensations sprinkled through him. Janusz' tongue couldn't get deep at all, but Nate couldn't ever remember feeling so sensitive there, so delicate and turned on at the same time, and so sinful too. It was vulgar, wasn't it? He hated it, didn't he?

But Janusz really didn't seem to hate it. Nate's breathing became faster, and the cramps inside of him turned to a low, tight arousal behind his balls, in the tingling of his lare glands inside of him, and he felt like he was bubbling up, about to overflow. He'd had Janusz' cock so deep inside of him, but this was invasive in a different way, and Nate felt like he was melting, he felt like this was part of the massage, even though it really, really wasn't. 

Nate's tension wound up until he surged forwards when he came, Janusz' hand moving firmly and confidently over his cock, milking him through the orgasm, and the cramps returned briefly, like a knot was being pulled inside of him until it came apart completely. Janusz' tongue stayed hot inside of him, twisting this way and that, and Nate's mind had gone blank, his breathing harsh, like he was heat-drunk, when he wasn't heat-drunk at all. 

And even once he was done, even once the hand that had been on his cock was petting his hip instead, Janusz' tongue kept licking over him and into him as Nate sank into the bed helplessly, his limbs feeling like spaghetti. Oh. Oh his heat was done. He wasn't heat-drunk at all. That had been... 

...A hiccup? Was that it? 

Nate didn't need a knot, and he knew he needed to give Janusz an orgasm in gratitude, in thanks for what had just happened. 

'You now,' Nate murmured.

'It's time for tired boys to sleep,' Janusz said, laughing against Nate's ass cheek. 

'I promise I can do-'

'You're a superhero, Nate,' Janusz said. 'But you're going to sleep, aren't you?'

'Am I?' 

'Yes, sweetheart, you are.' 

Nate nodded, confused, warm, relaxed. Janusz stretched out alongside him, and wrapped an arm around him, and Nate nodded again, and yawned deeply, then fell asleep all at once, still feeling warm and tingly. 

*

When he woke, hours later, he'd turned some time in his sleep and was facing Janusz. And Janusz was awake already, and smiling, and it was so strange. So strange. Christian would be giving him orders right now. No, Nate would be having to act on unspoken orders, because it was bad when he couldn't figure out what Christian wanted. He kept expecting Janusz to start training him, but Janusz really did seem kind of easy to please. He'd put his tongue into Nate's ass, which was the kind of thing that Nate had always found crude and weird and he'd hated doing it for Christian. It always felt so humiliating. 

Janusz seemed to love it. 

'Are you okay?' Nate said. 'Do you need anything?' 

'Normally that's what I say,' Janusz said, smile widening. 'I'm good. What about you? How are the cramps?' 

Nate rubbed at his face tiredly. 

'I think...' He frowned. 'I think it really might be over. That's... It can't have been a proper heat.'

'That's okay,' Janusz said. 'We can work on getting a proper routine for you now. We were never going to make much progress until that heat was over.' 

'Weren't we?' Nate said. 'Don't they...force heats on omegas sometimes?'

'We're not that kind of place,' Janusz said. 'But yeah, that does happen. Hillview tends to believe that a lot of the good stuff happens between heats. But I want you to take it easy for the rest of today, okay? That's an alpha's orders, Nate. Not something you get to debate with me.' 

Nate shrank back, a little taken aback at the change in tone. Janusz still seemed cheerful, and his smile seemed real, but he hadn't expected Janusz to say something like that. 

'Do you want to stay with me? Or do you want to try spending time in your room?' 

Nate stared at him, and Janusz studied him in return, and then smiled again. 

'You have pretty intense decision fatigue, hm?' Janusz said, reaching out and smoothing his thumb over Nate's eyebrow. 'You get a little confused, irritated face when you're thinking things over.'

'I'm not annoyed!' 

'Sure! But maybe it's a little frustrating, to keep being asked what you think about things, when you always want to tell me it's up to me, right?' 

'No,' Nate said. He had no idea he'd looked annoyed. 

'By the way, I messaged Faber, and he's going to organise some writing equipment for you. We'd start with notebooks and pens, but he asked if you preferred writing poetry on a tablet maybe, or a computer?' 

Nate stared at him. Janusz leaned in and kissed the eyebrow he'd stroked. 

It was all so affectionate and...and so not why he was here. He was here to be retrained, and he was beginning to think they'd lost the plot here at Hillview and had no idea how to do their jobs at all. Maybe they lied on their website, maybe their success rates were false. He wanted to ask to speak to Christian, but he suspected they'd say no, and what would Nate say? That everyone had been weirdly nice to him? Christian would be angry. He might even pull Nate out of Hillview and take him to a different facility, one with cells and concrete floors.

Nate's spirit was so, so weak. He liked a soft bed. He bit his tongue and didn't reply to Janusz, even though he should, and wondered what it said about him, that he couldn't find the strength in him to leave the person who had conquered his will with a massage and the promise of notebooks. 

Chapter Text

Nate woke in Janusz' bed, and his stomach roiled. He sat up feeling he might immediately be sick, but the nausea faded, and he was left aware of his body, how sore and used up he felt. It wasn't nearly as bad as it used to be, though it was always hard. He looked around the room and realised with a sinking feeling that he hadn’t bonded to Janusz at all. Maybe they'd realise his bond to Christian was too strong. Maybe Christian would realise Nate really did love him, and take him back, and give up on all of this. 

Nate closed his eyes, then frowned when he heard someone speaking down the corridor. It wasn't Janusz' voice. His nostrils flared, the nausea returned, and knew it was that doctor. That peak alpha. 

'I think we need to bring Bennett on board soon. Today,' Janusz said. 

Nate slid out of the bed as quietly as possible. He'd gotten used to doing everything silently to avoid disturbing Christian wherever possible. He crept to the doorway. He could see the side of Janusz' body in the kitchen. 

'I understand you're concerned,' Temsen said. 'But it's too early for Bennett. It’s too early for me. You've both gone through a traumatic heat together, and I am of course happy to be here for you, but there's no external support for Nate until you both start to connect.'

A long silence. Nate stood there, afraid and uncertain. Was Bennett another alpha who was going to fuck Nate? A mean one? Had Janusz realised he was too nice for Nate? Were they going to make him see someone meaner? Someone who would forcibly break the bond? 

'Any healthy person in your position would be having doubts...' Temsen said. 'This is traumatic, Janusz. For the both of you.'

Nate rubbed absently at his chest. He was traumatising Janusz? But how? 

Some footsteps, then Nate froze in place when Temsen appeared, looking straight at him. 'Good morning, Nate. How are you feeling?' 

Nate couldn’t move. He'd been so quiet that Janusz hadn't even noticed him. Even Christian never woke up anymore when Nate moved around the house, he was so quiet. But Temsen appeared like he'd known, like maybe he knew as soon as Nate woke. Was that a peak alpha thing? It had to be. Nate's nose wrinkled, and he felt paralysed and disgusted at the same time. 

'Bad,' he whispered. He would never have been that blunt around an alpha. He didn't like peak alphas very much, even if Temsen did look friendly. 

Janusz was already walking towards him, and Nate watched him, hoping his expression was open and curious, and not as suspicious and afraid as he felt. He looked down where Janusz put a careful hand on his upper arm, and Nate felt the warmth, but was a little angry that Janusz was being so careful with him. Because now he was going to be given to another meaner alpha called Bennett. At least Temsen didn't think it was time for that yet, but Nate knew he'd need it. He was too greedy for nice things, too stubborn to be fixed by someone being sweet to him during his heat. 

'It seems like your heat is over,' Temsen said. 'Do you want to come out here so I can give you a quick exam? No internal exam today, I promise.'

Nate frowned, but even though Temsen had asked questions, Nate heard them as commands and was already walking towards him, Janusz following closely behind. 

He felt like he'd never seen the front part of the cottage before and looked around it with eyes not overcast by his heat and his need to be fucked. It was small but felt spacious, and two of the windows were open, gauzy sheer curtains billowing in on the back of a crisp breeze that smelled like the sea. Nate suddenly wanted to see it again, stare out at the water. He wanted to know how he'd describe the blue, and what it looked like under a cloudy sky, or a clear one. 

'Do you want to sit over here?' Temsen said, pointing at a chair at the kitchen table that had already been pulled out. And on the kitchen counter, Temsen's doctor's bag was already open. 

Nate went and sat without complaint, and watched as Temsen took his blood pressure, then wrote down the results but left the cuff on his arm. His temperature was taken with one of the ear scan thermometers. 

'Can you bow your head forward for me?' Temsen said. 'I want to check the state of your Kaeper glands, and I'll check the lymph nodes while I'm at it.'

Nate bowed his head forward.

'You're doing so well,' Temsen said, stepping forwards. 'I know this is hard. Especially to wake up to an exam. Did you sleep well?'

'I think so.'

He flinched when Temsen gently touched the sides of his neck. Fingertips crept in, pressing up at the base of his skull, and he paused there. He pressed in a few times, and then kept moving until his fingers pressed into the Kaeper glands. At that, Nate felt his ass warm, and a few seconds later, a trickle of slick came out of him. It felt uncomfortable to have Temsen's fingers on the glands, and he trembled, wanting to ask him to stop. Even Janusz hadn't spent too much time around them. They belonged to Christian, for the day he decided to bite them and claim Nate. 

Thankfully, Temsen stopped soon after, and Nate kept his eyes downcast and frowned when Temsen did his blood pressure again. Was the doctor so bad at it that he’d done it wrong the first time? Maybe he wasn't a good doctor. 

That's so uncharitable, Nate. Just because he's doing things you don't understand. 

Nate stared towards the windows again, feeling despairing. That's why he was here. He was too mean. Too bitter. 

'Well!' Temsen said, sighing. 'All right then. You're still very stressed, aren't you, Nate? You're definitely at the end of your heat, though you might find it takes another few days to come out of it properly since your Kaeper glands are a bit swollen. Your temperature's come down and stabilised, at least. Do you have any stomach or belly pain? Do you feel torn at all?'

'Um,' Nate said, then flinched when he realised he was going to have to answer. He couldn't lie. He felt the muscles in his back and neck seize, because what he wanted to do was turn back quickly and glare, but as soon as the reaction came, it vanished again. 'Y-yes, to the first. It's dull, like... like normal. I don't feel torn. I didn't- I didn't tear.'

'That's very good to hear,' Temsen said. 'We'll get you some painkillers for the soreness. What about your joints? You're quite thin, heats can be hard on anyone, but they tend to be harder if you're underweight.'

'Christian likes me thin,' Nate said automatically. 

'Are your joints sore?' Temsen said, and there was something stronger there, harder to ignore. 

'Yes,' Nate said, and then to his embarrassment, his eyes started to well up. Temsen sat down next to him as the first tear spilled, and was looking straight at it, he seemed concerned. 'Are you going to send me to a meaner alpha? You should. Is Bennett really mean?'

'What?' Janusz said, the shock in his voice patent. Nate turned and looked up at him, and Janusz came a bit closer. 'Who do you think Bennett is?'

'A mean alpha,' Nate said, wringing his hands in his lap. 'A mean one, because you're too nice, and you've realised I won't get better with someone nice.' 

'Nate, I told you we don't share omegas here. At all. Not ever.'

'Maybe not during heats, but after, once you realise...'

'No,' Temsen said quietly. 'Janusz is right. Not ever. So you've been shared before?' Temsen looked past Nate to Janusz, his face doing something troubled. 

'It's normal,' Nate whispered. 

Temsen's eyes met Nate's. They were pretty eyes. Though no one was as pretty as Christian. 

'For some alphas it might be normal,' Temsen said. 'But most omegas don't really want to be shared, and that's also very normal. I'm not going to ask you if you really want it or not, because I'm bad at my job if I can't tell from how you're reacting. Nate, Bennett is a therapist. He's a beta, an absolute sweetheart, and he's hired by Hillview to exclusively work with the omegas on-site who might need extra sessions with someone. It doesn't always happen, and it's not always necessary, because often a healthy bond is enough to start a rehabilitative process.'

'But I didn't bond,' Nate cried out. 'You could induce another heat and-'

Temsen held up his hand, and Nate shrank back. He was talking back to a peak alpha. He felt sick. He turned instinctively towards Janusz, wanting to hide. To his surprise, instead of pushing him away, Janusz stepped closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, gave him his torso so that Nate could press his face into it, and Nate did. He was so ashamed of himself. Christian would never let him behave this way. 

'Nate,' Temsen said softly, 'you've been taught by your alpha that things have to go a certain way, but if that certain way was going to magically turn you into what he thinks you should be, then it would have worked by now. I know this situation is extremely hard for you, but will you try it our way for a little while? We have no protocol in place that would ever make us give you to a meaner alpha. We just don't work that way. Christian's no idiot, he could have chosen any rehabilitation centre for you, he chose Hillview. He must have been able to see for himself that it was going to be different here.' 

Nate didn't take his face away from Janusz' belly and felt like a child. 

'You said I'm traumatising Janusz,' Nate said weakly. 

'No, sweetheart,' Janusz said. 'It's not like that. The situation is difficult.' 

'I don't want to be difficult. And I talk back too much. And I'm too mean. I don't respect anyone's authority enough. Maybe you don't have anyone mean enough.' 

A hand resting gently on the top of his head, and Janusz' fingers scratching gently, mussing up his hair. 

Temsen took a breath. 'You have one job, Nate, over the next few weeks. And that job is just to...settle in. You're going to have time with Janusz, time to yourself, you'll have your own room, you can ask for things if you need them, and Janusz is going to take you out so you can explore Hillview together. The weather's still warm enough to enjoy the beach, the forests, and I think you could grow to like it here, Nate.' 

'Can I call Christian?' 

Nate turned to face Temsen and knew from his expression that it wasn't going to happen. He felt his mouth set in a stubborn line, and he didn't pull away from Janusz' touch in his hair even though he knew he should. 

'If Christian calls,' Temsen said finally, 'we might let the call through. But it will be monitored and supervised, and it will happen on speaker. However, we can't let you call Christian until we have signs that you're starting to bond with Janusz. I know that's terribly unfair. That's something Christian understands too, and that's what he agreed to when he signed the contract with Hillview. He must have thought it was a good idea, and you want to respect him don't you?'

Nate nodded automatically. 

Temsen nodded too. 

'This is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life, Nate,' Temsen said quietly. 'I know you think we should be meaner, but this whole process is already pretty mean, don't you think so? I know you can think of meaner things omegas go through, but we're not an omega meanness facility, we're a rehabilitation facility.

‘We have a fantastic global reputation, we're accredited, and we have amazing reviews from alphas and omegas alike. We're doing something right here. That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes, but what it does mean is that...if we're choosing not to break you forcibly, it's probably because we've found other methods that work equally well, if not better. Christian knew that too, or he wouldn't have sent you here.' 

Nate watched him, then finally nodded. 

'What are you going to do about his blood pressure?' Janusz said to Temsen. 

'Nothing at the moment. I know it's concerning, but I'll come back and test again in a few days. It's also possible that it's spiking because of my presence.'

'I can do some monitoring,' Janusz said quickly. Temsen smiled like that's what he was going to suggest. He had a nice smile. 

'The lack of proper nutriment during a heat will be part of it. The absence of fever is heartening. I'm glad we've gotten to meet each other under slightly better circumstances, Nate. I hope the next time we meet you're feeling fully yourself again. Is there anything else you need, aside from wanting to speak to Christian?'

Nate shook his head. He didn't know what he was supposed to need. Probably the right thing was saying he just needed this new alpha, that he just needed to be fucked or something, but Nate didn't want it, he didn't need it. He stayed silent. 

'If you think of anything, you can always tell Janusz.' He stood up and rubbed his hands together quickly, then looked over to Janusz, expression shifting from friendliness to something serious. 'You and I will have a session tomorrow.' 

'Thanks, hey,' Janusz said. 'I could do with one.'

'Yes, I expect you could do with a few. I'm always just a text message or phone call away. Though my docket is quite busy, so if I'm not there immediately, I'll be doing something in the medical suite no doubt. Anyway! That's enough from me. Peak alphas don't usually make house calls like this, and I'm sure Janusz can't wait to get my pheromones out of here. Talk about traumatic!'

Temsen burst into laughter, but Janusz didn't. Nate turned and looked up at him, and Janusz' smile was stiff. When he met Nate's eyes though, his expression softened. 

'I'm okay. It's just very close to the end of your heat, and I have protective instincts. I was the one that invited him here, though. It was important.' 

'You're doing a great job, Janusz,’ Temsen said cheerfully. ‘Anyway, I'm going to see if Lachlan has any of that chocolate mud cake left that he made for Nick’s birthday. Good day!' 

He left soon after, and Janusz ruffled Nate's hair after the front door closed. 

'You did so great. It's so good that you were able to speak to him like that, you seemed a bit more yourself.'

'I talked back to him so much,' Nate said, dully horrified. 

'I know. It's hard to do, isn't it?'

'Peak alphas are...a lot.'

'Yeah, aren't they though?' Janusz said, finally stepping away. 'Anyway, what do you want for breakfast?'

'Whatever you want.'

'I know you like eggs,' Janusz said, looking back at him with a sly grin. 'So it'll be something with eggs, anyway.' 

'But if you don't feel like-'

'I'm a human composter, I'll always like eggs,' Janusz said, and Nate watched him move in the kitchen and itched with a need to be the one making the food. He stood, feeling useless, then went back down into Janusz' bedroom and looked around. He went back into the kitchen and asked permission to clean himself.

A couple of minutes later he stood under the spray of Janusz' shower, using his products, wishing he could go home as his stomach rumbled and he soaped away the last of the slick, hoping he wouldn't have to deal with more. 

His hole didn't feel as swollen as it normally did after a heat. The scratchy-soreness was there but Nate saw no traces of pink or red on his fingers, and there was nothing when he went to the toilet, either. It was strange, because he hadn't felt like Janusz was weaker or smaller than Christian, but he must be. Nate was shocked at how much he didn't hate it. Wasn't he supposed to be a desperate, needy slut? He was someone who required more than one alpha. Christian had been so sad and understanding about it when he'd realised, and Nate had to accept he knew about those things in a way an omega never could. 

Nate's heat had never finished so fast. He was sore, but he'd hurt more in the past. He felt shaky as he walked down the corridor, tilting his head back as he realised the worst of Temsen's pheromones were gone. Before, it was like the grass had been mown inside, now it smelled of the ocean, Janusz, and eggs and bacon. Nate hovered near the kitchen table, fingers interlinked. 

'I can take over,' Nate said, trying to sound demure. 'Or I can...service you?' 

Janusz nodded to himself, then looked over at Nate, a little smile on his face. Nate fully expected Janusz to say yes, based on that expression, but instead Janusz turned a couple of pieces of bacon in the frying pan. 

'Is service a blowjob?' Janusz said. 

'Or- Um. Well, yes, normally. Or I could... I could eat you out,' Nate said. 'If you- If you like that.'

'Do you like doing that?' 

Nate's fingers tensed. Were they going to expose every single thing he struggled with? Why couldn't Janusz just take something at face value? 

'I like making you happy,' Nate said finally. 

'That one I believe,' Janusz said, his smile broadening as he looked down at the frying pan. 'How do you feel about blowjobs in general? Let me guess, pretty fine about them?'

'I... yes,' Nate said. 

'Mmkay.'

'No- I...' Nate wrung his hands together, saw the way Janusz turned to look at the movement, and let his arms fall by his sides. 'I don't- They can be all right, you know. It can be good, sometimes, to be on your knees for someone. If they like it too. If you're good enough.' 

Nate didn't like being skull fucked. He didn't like a lot of things. But there had been times when Christian would push him down – and if Nate was lucky enough, it would be on a rug instead of tiles – and slide his cock into Nate's mouth, and just...keep it there. No skull fucking, no yanking on his hair, but just...keeping it there. Nate didn't understand the first time they'd done it, but after a few more minutes he'd been squirming on his knees, needing more, breathing harshly through his nose as Christian did nothing more than command him to stay in place. 

It didn't happen often. Christian liked skull fucking. He always mocked or belittled him for being such a mess afterwards, and Nate never learned a way to properly swallow everything or stop himself from gagging. He didn't know how to cough neatly when he was starving for breath and close to blacking out. 

'Yeah,' Janusz said, jolting Nate from his thoughts. 'I like it too.'

'You do?' Nate said. 'Oh, receiving them?'

'Sure, but I like giving them too.'

Janusz looked at him then and there was something powerful in his grey gaze. He had a kind of light, gentle energy at times, but there was something now which made Nate swallow, and feel like maybe Janusz wasn't always weak. Weaker than Christian, but maybe not weak. 

'All right,' Nate said finally. 'Can I- Can I get plates?'

'Sure,' Janusz said. 'Why don't you set the table?' 

Nate looked through the cabinets quickly, intuiting where most things were. He was so relieved to have something to do, god, finally, and he brought out glasses and put a bottle of juice on the table. Two plates, two side plates, and the cutlery organised neatly, and he couldn't find napkins, but carefully folded a fresh tea towel next to the juice just in case. And all of that took less than five minutes, and he needed something else to do. 

'I'm good at cleaning,' Nate said. 'Or- Bread? Do you need-?'

'-That's all sorted, sweetheart. How about you sit down? You're not here as staff, you're my omega.' 

My omega.

The words were a rude yank in Nate's chest, and the burst of anger came like a clap of thunder through him. He straightened in his chair and glared. 

'I am not your o-'

As soon as it came, it went, and horror replaced it. Nate felt like shrinking in on himself, he sat meek and quiet, like he'd never said a thing. It was stupid to hope that Janusz hadn’t noticed. From the look on his face, Janusz had noticed, and he wasn't happy at all. 

'Yes,' Janusz said, with a firmness that was implacable, 'you are. Christian himself signed you away to me. You and I have shared a heat together. You are - at least for now - my omega.' 

Nate swallowed. 

Christian himself signed you away, reverberated unpleasantly in his head, over and over again. 

'I'd like you to say it,' Janusz said, hand pausing where he'd been stirring the scrambled eggs. 'Because I'd like to know that we have an understanding.'

'I- Yes, of course I... Of course I understand.'

'Say it, Nate,' Janusz said, his voice softening, but unmistakeably an order. 

Nate glanced towards the open windows and the billowing sheers, and thought of all the times he'd been made to say things he found hellish, things he found awful, and what was this really, compared to everything else? He looked back and met Janusz' eyes. 

'I am your omega.'

'Good,' Janusz said, and then he turned back to the frying pan. 'That's so good, Nate.' 

Nate didn't think it was particularly good at all, and he stared at the table he'd set and dreaded what his time here would bring. 

Chapter Text

After Nate declared himself as Janusz' omega, he expected things to get quickly worse, but to his surprise, nothing happened the way he thought it would. The first night after his heat, Janusz told Nate he should sleep in his own bedroom, unless he needed the companionship. Nate felt like he was insulting Janusz, but he took all the nesting blankets back into the other room and piled them on the bed and sat within them, waiting for Janusz to come in and stake his claim. Everyone knew alphas liked fucking omegas outside of their heats to prove they owned them all the time, and not just when omegas were hormonally ready.

It didn't happen. 

Meals were delivered just as often as Janusz made them. A beta came to the door with containers of food to be frozen, or freshly prepared dishes. It was all delicious, restaurant quality, the kind of thing Nate struggled to make. But it frustrated him that he couldn't seem to find ways to be valuable here. What use was he otherwise? Omegas couldn't work properly, they couldn't drive, they couldn't get a proper education, and male omegas couldn't get pregnant. They were the most useless of all. Nate knew that even if Christian claimed him, he'd have to take on a partner who could bear children for him at some point. Nate was never going to be Christian's sole focus. 

It was normal. 

The next day, Janusz spent most of the day watching television. He cooked for them both, then made oatmeal later as a snack. He tried to draw Nate into conversation, and Nate didn't see the point in talking. If he was Janusz' omega, he wasn't really valuable for anything else. He was just two holes to fuck. He couldn't even be three, like some omegas. He'd only ever be two. 

On the fourth day after his heat was over, Janusz came out in a tank top and shorts and said: 

'We're going out! I need to go for a run. You don't run, do you?'

'Me?' Nate said blankly. 'I don't think so.' 

'I didn't think so either. Don't worry, you don't have to. But you're coming out with me anyway.'

'I'm...' 

'There's decent cloud cover in the sky. Here, catch,' Janusz said, and Nate watched as the bottle of the sunscreen was thrown and fell on the floor beside him. He bent to pick it up, turning it to make sure it hadn't split anywhere. 'Put that wherever your skin is exposed. I'm so ready for a run.' 

Nate watched him uncertainly. They were going outside? Nate hesitantly covered his arms and face with the sunscreen, and as he went to cap the bottle, Janusz came over and took the bottle from him. 

'Here,' he said, 'it's easy to miss places.' 

Janusz squeezed sunscreen over his fingers. 

'I'm going to put it on your ears and your neck,' Janusz said, which was weird, because he didn't have to say he was going to do that. Nate averted his eyes as he felt slippery sunscreen-smelling fingers brush over his ears. Janusz' hand drifted down and painted over the sides of his neck, and then his throat, and finally slipped to the back of his neck and slid over his Kaeper glands. 

Nate breathed in sharply, and Janusz' fingers lingered. He didn't dig in, he didn't grip meanly, he palpated the glands like he was checking for something. And then he kept massaging the sunscreen in and Nate felt a corresponding clench low down near his cock, but no slick emerged, because his heat really was over. 

'These are a lot less swollen,' Janusz said, sounding relieved. 'Are they painful?'

'No.' 

Janusz' fingers stilled and simply rested there, an easy ownership. Janusz sometimes behaved nothing like an alpha at all, but at times like this, Nate felt something in his mind go quiet, and he waited to see what Janusz would want from him. He often expected to be pushed down and mounted, even fucked, and Janusz never did it.

A better omega would reach out and trail their hand down Janusz' torso, or slide a questioning hand between Janusz' thighs, to ask permission to give him a blowjob. To be worthy, somehow, of his alpha's attention. But Nate struggled to make himself do it with Christian at the best of times, even when he didn't always hate the outcome. 

'Come on,' Janusz said, smiling at him. 'Let's go.' 

Nate felt he could breathe properly when Janusz stepped away. He followed Janusz across the grounds, looking around curiously. He thought he'd see other omegas, and he thought he saw an alpha and omega couple in the distance, but it could have been two workers. Nate couldn't tell. 

The clouds overhead were huge, like the sky had grown since the last time Nate had seen it. Maybe it was a side effect of being this close to the beach. He knew the clouds were cumulus. He didn't know what word he'd use to describe the sky. Vast or even gargantuan, a Titan looming over them all. But no, that sounded too forbidding, didn't it? He'd have to use that for a poem about a storm. The sky was big, and that had to be enough. 

Expansive, Nate's mind supplied. 

Nate nodded to himself, a small sliver of satisfaction creeping in. 

*

As Janusz jogged, Nate knelt down in the sand. He had the option of taking shelter beneath a wooden structure with an ochre-coloured shade cloth that had seen better days, frayed at the edges and flapping at one corner, but still providing shade. The wooden structure was huge, thick poles - maybe karri wood - set deep into the sand, large enough to easily provide shade for fifty or sixty people. Nate wondered if a surf club came down here sometimes. He didn't know how public this beach was, it seemed like no one else was here except for the two of them. 

Nate watched the waves, then the foam in the distance, the white breakers sitting like promises upon the blue band of the Indian Ocean. The sand was soft and pleasantly sank and crunched beneath his weight. It was a little damp too. He wasn't close enough to the waves for them to touch him, but he was close enough that he had to keep an eye on them in case one came up too far. 

It wasn't as cold as he thought it would be. The sun had some bite to it, but not enough that Nate wanted the shade. 

The smell of fresh salt, all of that ozone, it reminded him of being at the beach with his father. He hardly ever thought about his family. Christian had told him to put them out of his mind, and Nate had given up on thinking about his parents, and sometimes forgot he even had extended family. His uncle would hate it here. Or maybe he wouldn't. Uncle Corbyn was hard to predict at the best of times. He was so wild and fey, perhaps a near-deserted coastline like this was exactly the kind of place he'd spend his time before penning one of his award-winning novels. 

Nate shoved his hands down into the sand, liking the way it felt. He scooped it up and let it fall between his fingers and couldn't remember the last time he'd done this. Christian never wanted him to drive or catch public transport, but Christian didn't like to take him places either, unless he wanted to show him off. The beach wasn't a place Nate had seen in years, despite only ever living a 30-minute drive from it.

Nate kept scooping and scooping. He turned and watched Janusz in the distance, running like an athlete. 

The sand deepened in front of his knees. It got wetter, until Nate realised that beneath the surface, it was actually properly soaked with the sea. He dug more determinedly after that, fingers scraping against the sand, which felt scratchier when wet. He thought someone else might make a sandcastle, but Nate went deep enough until he saw seawater pool in the divot he'd left behind. It was strangely satisfying, watching the sand around crumble back down again, soaked through. 

He dug the pit out again and more water came. Nate wiggled his fingers through it in fascination. 

It was the fourth time that he dug down, that his fingers brushed against something hard. He yanked his hands back, afraid that it might be something venomous or poisonous, and then saw what looked like a shell. But not the kind of dead shell one picked up on the beach, something moving. It pulled itself into the sand in seconds, only the size of a fingernail. Nate stared at the space where it had disappeared. He'd never seen a living shell like that in his life. 

Absently, automatically, he chased it with his fingers, digging into the wet sand. He grasped it in a handful, hoping it wouldn't kill him - shells in Australia could kill people, couldn't they? He couldn't remember what kind it was that could do that - and then dropped it immediately when he felt whatever it was pushing vigorously against his hand. 

There, on top of the sand he'd dropped, was a small enclosed being, a coastal mollusc, both its shells perfectly mirroring the other, and vividly smooth like coloured ceramic. Nate picked it up, even as it quickly started disappearing. He didn't know they could be fast. 

He stared at it in fascination as it tried to bury itself between his fingers, a little muscular foot appearing and working frantically. 

It was an opaque pastel lilac, white and pink. Like jewellery. He touched the shell, and the creature went still. The shell was like glass beneath his fingers. Carefully he lowered it back to the damp sand and let it go. Quickly, it buried beneath into the wetness. 

Nate was determined to stop digging, to leave it alone, but only minutes later he was digging somewhere else, looking for more of them. Once he knew what to look for – the frantic movements as they left little depressions in the sand where they'd once been – and what they felt like, it became easier to find them. They preferred the wetter sand, so Nate crawled forwards on his hands and knees feeling strangely like a kid again, and found five this time, all close to each other. One was white and beige, another pale pink and violet, another yellow and white, another simply white, and one grey and white and pink. They were all the same type of creature, but their shells must develop unique colours based on science Nate didn't understand. 

It was twenty minutes later when Janusz came back, a little out of breath, but not as much as Christian would have been if he'd run for as long as Janusz had. 

'What have you got there?' Janusz said, bending down, blocking out the sun. 

'Look,' Nate said, holding up his palm. It had a new batch of molluscs in it, because every time Nate released some, he had to find some more. He wanted to see all the colours. 

'Pipis!' Janusz said, laughing, picking one up. 

'They're not poisonous are they?' 

'You're thinking of cone shells, and no, they're not,' Janusz said. 'They taste pretty good, though not these little guys, they need a while to grow up. They're good for bait too.' 

Nate stared down at them. Was that how Janusz really saw them? These perfectly symmetrical beings with unique colours, smooth and perfect, better than many beads, they were just food to him? For humans or fish? 

Nate put the rest back down on the sand. It took a few seconds for them to realise they were free, and then they disappeared quickly. Janusz by contrast dropped his down, he wasn't even careful about it. The shell - pipi - buried back beneath the sand, into the dark. Nate didn't blame them. What a horrid world. 

'What is it?' Janusz said. 

'Nothing,' Nate said. 

'Please tell me.' 

Nate wondered how much he risked here. He was scared to be honest, to betray himself. If he'd been with his father, he would have said it was cruel, really, to see these living creatures as nothing more than products to be consumed by others. They had inherent beauty, they had worth, they mattered. Everything did. But no, that was Nate's utopian stupidity-machine running in his head, because the world was far more careless, and anything vulnerable simply existed to be destroyed by others. Whether plant, animal or omega, if it was weak, it was consumed. 

The karri trees got to grow tall, but wheat was decimated, and its precious seeds smashed and pounded to make bread. And here, the shells weren't seen as living jewels, but valued only for the meat inside. 

He spent some time pushing the sand back into the holes he’d dug, and then – even though Janusz wasn't rushing him – he stopped when he realised it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He left two of the holes unfilled and stood. The sand was itchy where it had dried to his forearms, and he brushed it off with harsh movements. 

'You ready to head back?' 

'Mm.' 

'All right,' Janusz said. 

Nate could tell he was concerned, but Janusz was weak, and would mostly let Nate do what he wanted. On the walk back to the cottage, Nate felt strangely detached from everything. He knew he should miss Christian more but seeing the beach had quelled that need in him. Now he didn't know what he wanted and was beginning to think there was nothing he actually wanted from the world anymore. If Christian claimed him right now – everything he'd ever dreamed of, the whole reason he was enduring this in the first place – he'd still wish for a life where he didn't have to wake ever again.

*

That night, Janusz watched television, and Nate stared blankly at nothing. He often didn't know what to do with himself here. He was used to being busy - cleaning, cooking, being fucked, offering up his body, grooming it to make sure it was good enough, researching recipes, finding new ways to try and impress Christian. 

Here...

Nate felt neutered here. Maybe he would have preferred a cell.

No, no he wouldn't have. He was sure of it.

Would it matter?

He didn't realise Janusz was standing until he saw him by his side, and he flinched back. Janusz held out his hand, palm up. 'Come with me, Nate.'

'Am I in trouble?' Nate said, putting his hand in Janusz’ and following him down the corridor.

No, he was probably going to be fucked. Nate was dreading it, but the feeling bloomed from a distance, like he was seeing flowers through dirty greenhouse glass. It was smudges of colour, and it wasn't all that inviting. 

Janusz gently moved him so he was sitting on the edge of the alpha’s bed, and Nate expected that he would be asked to give him a blowjob, or maybe lie down and be fucked. Instead, Janusz crouched in front of him, a concerned expression on his face. 

'I said something that upset you earlier,' Janusz said. 'You don't need to shake your head, I can tell when I've impacted your mood, Nate. Lying doesn't help anyone.' 

It helped Christian.

'I don't think you're going to talk to me about it, though I'd really, really love that. So instead, I'm going to make an alternative suggestion. If you don't want to talk to me about it, I'd like to mount you.' 

Nate's swallow was automatic. He remembered being mounted as a child by his parents when he was panicking or hysterical. Christian only ever did it as a prelude to sex.

'You can...fuck me without doing that,' Nate said roughly.

'I'm not going to fuck you,' Janusz said firmly. 'I'm saying that you can talk to me about this, or I'm going to mount you. There will be no sex. But I think you need the closeness, and I think you don't really know how to ask for it. I know this isn't a situation you'd choose for yourself, and my job requires me to make decisions for you at times like this. I thought about leaving it, but a one-way track to omegas staying here for a really long time is letting them shrink into themselves and reject closeness outside of their heats. So you get a choice.'

'A choice,' Nate said, surprised at how flat his voice was. 

Janusz' grey eyes gleamed, like he wasn't surprised at all by the bitterness. He stood easily, then stepped closer to Nate, placing his hands around his upper arms. He stared down at him in promise, and Nate felt a strange combination of threatened and glad that they were doing something. He didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want to tell Janusz that he was careless when Janusz didn't seem to be mean at all. 

Except that he worked here, but whatever. 

'Stand,' Janusz said, pulling Nate up at the same time. 

Nate felt something in his body go soft at the order. Like a hand smoothed over the roughness in his mind. 

'Turn,' Janusz said, turning him at the same time. Nate stared at the mattress. The last time he was here, he was going through his heat. 

'Crawl onto the bed,' Janusz said. 

Nate crawled onto the bed, his breathing coming faster. When he was a child his dad would grab him while he twisted and screamed, and simply wrench him beneath his chest, and he wasn't an alpha, but the pose was enough to short circuit Nate's mind. He was scared of it happening now, and at the last minute he hesitated, only for Janusz' hand to come down heavily between his shoulder blades. 

'Down,' Janusz said, crawling on the bed behind him, a heavy, threatening weight. 'All the way down.'

Nate's arms trembled once, and he didn't even know if this would work anymore. He was too old now, Christian used it too much for sex, and he didn't know what comfort really felt like. 

'You take orders really well,' Janusz said softly, sounding not concerned, but pleased. 'Like, really well. Are you scared?'

With Janusz behind him, and fingers resting on his back, Nate couldn't lie. His mouth clicked with dryness as he said: 'A little.'

'I know,' Janusz said. 'I'm not going to hurt you. It's been a while since someone has done this without sex, yeah?'

'Yeah.'

'Maybe you won't like it,' Janusz said. 'If you don't, we'll find something else.'

And then Janusz was shifting all at once, straddling Nate's hips with strong thighs, bracketing him, wrapping one arm under Nate's head, around his throat and collarbones, and keeping the other pressed down on his back, a forceful push that kept him pinned. Nate's breathing sped up, electricity quickening in his body, but then he took a huge, strained breath and shuddered it out. 

The arm around his neck became a hand shifting over his Kaeper glands, then feathering through his hair. Janusz turned Nate’s face to the side, then pushed it down into the mattress, the strength of it almost painful. Nate blinked rapidly, trying to decide what it felt like, trying to perceive it, thinking for some reason that this wouldn't affect him at all. 

His thoughts vanished one by one, the noise in the back of his mind slowed and quietened. He shifted absently, and Janusz' thighs tightened around his hips, and the hand in his hair pinned him harder, and his thumb moved down and rested like a threat and promise on the back of Nate's neck over his Kaeper glands. 

'Shhh. Shhh, Nate.' 

Nate had been making a low, distressed, throaty sound without realising. He didn't know if he could stop.

'It's okay,' Janusz said, but Nate didn't need the words, he knew it was okay because of the strength that surrounded him. He felt like he was breathing it in, that scent of sharp, sour fruits, of foraged berries, redcurrants and the bright shiny fruits found amongst snow-melt. And he'd never been anywhere which had those kinds of berries, he just knew, somehow. He knew that was how he'd write it. Not quite pleasant, but so good, like being starving after a long freeze, being grateful for any berries at all. 

His body unlocked, first his neck, then his shoulders. His hands next, which he didn't realise he'd been digging into the mattress. His hips, then his feet, then his forehead and mouth and eyes. He stared with half-lidded eyes at nothing in particular, and his breathing finally slowed. 

'That's so good,' Janusz said. 'Sweetheart, that's perfect. Look at you, you're such a good omega, aren't you? I know it's been a hard day for you, and a terrible week, but you can have some time to relax. I'm here now. I've got you.' 

And Nate believed him because that strength and scent was everywhere. His breathing hitched, a spike of emotion in his chest. 

'That's it,' Janusz said, his voice lowering, becoming a rumble. 'You can let it out if you need to.' 

Tears came to Nate's eyes, but he couldn't let it out. Some deep, deep instinct - terrified and twisted beneath the relaxation - wouldn't let him. His eyes became wet but drained before any tears spilled. But Janusz didn't leave him, and kept murmuring soft things to him, and Nate realised it was kind of comforting after all. Maybe...

Maybe Janusz wasn't as weak as he thought he was, after all. 

Chapter Text

The first night after Janusz mounted Nate, he'd gone back to his room afterwards and slept so heavily amongst his nest of blankets that he didn't dream at all. His body sprawled on the bed with blankets at his back and he woke close to lunch-time, with Janusz sitting on the bed and watching him with a soft smile on his face. 

'You must have needed the sleep,' he said. 'Sorry for waking you. I wouldn't normally come into your room without your permission, but I thought you might like some lunch.'

'Lunch?' Nate squawked, and as he tried to jerk upwards, a steady hand came and rested on his chest, and stopped him from sitting up fully. 

'Take it slow, take it slow. How are you feeling after last night?'

Nate remembered the mounting and flushed. It was obvious how he felt about it because he'd slept so deeply. He felt embarrassed. Alphas and betas didn't have to deal with this. They weren't slaves to their bodies in the same way. Who else was soothed like that, by being forcibly pinned down? 

And worse, why was it never soothing in the same way with Christian? It stopped him from thinking, but there was always a thrum of distress deep down all the same, when Christian mounted him. 

'I'm okay,' Nate said finally. 

'So we'll do that a bit more often then.'

Nate wasn't sure what to say in response. Janusz was finding all the places to unlock him, and he didn't want to give the keys away. Instead, he just nodded, and Janusz nodded too and then stood up and said that Nate could take his time, but that lunch was waiting. 

Nate wrapped his arms around his legs and felt unhappy but knew Christian would be disappointed that he wasn't feeling worse.

*

Another couple of nights passed, and it happened again. This time, like the first, Janusz took Nate to his bedroom. And when Nate went to crawl onto the bed, Janusz put a hand on his shoulder. 

'I prefer it if I tell you where I want you,' Janusz said. 'I know that's kind of a drag. It's an alpha thing. Humour me?'

'Yes, alpha,' Nate said, then bit down into his lower lip. It had been automatic. He knew he was about to be mounted, and the appeasement instinct started early. Just having an alpha behind him was enough to turn him obedient. 

'Can you keep using my name, though?' Janusz said. 'I know you're trying to be good, and you are, but I like hearing my name.'

'J-Janusz,' Nate said. 

'Good, that's so good. Okay, crawl on the bed.' 

Nate crawled onto the bed, not knowing how to feel about Janusz behind him, watching his legs, his ass. Did he even care? Christian used to say Nate's ass was too fat. But the staff said he was too skinny here. Nate felt like no matter what he did, he'd be found wanting. 

The weight on the bed shifted as Janusz got onto the mattress behind him. A hand on his lower back, and Nate's elbows unlocked, but he forced himself to stay up, because he was waiting for Janusz to tell him what to do. 

'That's good,' Janusz said softly. 'Down. All the way. Chest on the bed.'

Nate's elbows buckled like the strings had been cut. And Janusz didn't waste any time, knees and thighs strong around his hips, and today, one hand on his head pushing it to the side and down, and his other grasping Nate's waist and pushing with the downward pressure. Nate's breathing turned shallow at first, but when Janusz didn't rip at his clothing, Nate slowly relaxed. 

It was emotional, being mounted, even as his head cleared. Emotional because he hardly remembered a time where his head got to clear like this, because he was dully aware that it should be Christian and not Janusz, because Nate was coming to look forward to the thicker berry-rich sharp scent, and he felt warm and liquid. 

Janusz' head came down alongside his, breathing slow and deep, and then a nose pressed to the back of his neck, and Nate felt a corresponding spasm in his ass. No slick came, but it could if he was stimulated enough. He thought about asking if Janusz wanted to fuck him, because he wouldn't hate it - maybe - if it was done now. But in the end he said nothing. He let the lassitude of the moment wash over him. 

'I love how receptive you are to this,' Janusz said, his voice close. 'You're lovely, aren't you? Lovely and sweet, deep down. You just want to make your alpha happy, don't you?'

Nate felt something freeze inside of him. All the hundreds of times Christian told him how bad he was at anticipating an alpha's needs echoed through him, all the times he'd failed, all the times he'd done something so egregious he'd ended up here. 

Nate didn't know what was wrong with him, but his eyes welled up again, he made a low wounded sound. Janusz was wrong. Nate didn't want him to be wrong, he craved every one of those soft words, but he was wrong. And it was Nate's fault. It was his fault. He wasn't lovely at all. He'd tricked Janusz, somehow. He was a deceitful, slutty omega, who just needed to be fucked by multiple alphas, and he couldn't do anything to change it. 

'Sweetheart,' Janusz said, sounding troubled. 'It stopped working?' 

The hand softening on the back of his head, but not going away. 

'You don't believe me, do you?' Janusz said.

Nate couldn't lie. He wanted to, so badly, but in that moment he couldn't. He shook his head. 

'Nate, right now, I'm your alpha. I'm going to ask you to say it back to me, so I know you understand that.'

A small, weak sound of protest in the back of Nate's chest. 

'I know,' Janusz said, his voice firming. 'But you need to say it.' 

'You're...' Nate's throat locked up. No. He was here because Christian wanted him to be here. Because Christian wanted this. And that was something only his alpha could do to him. Only Christian. And he was doing this for him. 

'Nate,' Janusz said, his voice gaining an edge which felt like a knife. Janusz took a breath, his hand tightening in Nate's hair again. 'Christian signed you off to us. He as good as gave you to us. You don't belong to him anymore. You are the property of Hillview.'

Property. Tears spilled down Nate's face. 

'Christian did it,' Nate said, his voice breaking. 

'You're right,' Janusz said. 'You're exactly right. Christian did that to you, Nate. Christian turned you into property. And then he gave you to us.' 

Nate blinked in confusion. 

'Christian's the reason I'm your alpha now. That was his choice. If you want to respect his choices, you need to acknowledge the truth.' 

Absently, Nate got his hands under his chest and tried to push up, and Janusz made a low sound of disagreement, and shifted his hips so that they were pressing down even harder. The hand at his waist became a thumb digging into his Kaeper glands, and Nate strangled down a wrecked inhale. A blast of heat through him, and he felt dizzy and sick. 

'His...' Nate murmured, and then his chest heaved.

He wasn't doing what the alpha above him wanted. 

'You're such a loyal one, aren't you?' Janusz breathed. 'This must be so hard for you. He was so lucky to have you. But he doesn't have you anymore, I do. And that was his choice, Nate. His choice. In that moment, signing that signature, he gave you up. You're not his omega anymore, you're mine.' 

Nate pushed harder, managing to lift his chest a few centimetres off the bed before the hands at his head and neck pushed him down so hard that Nate cried out. Several moments where no one said anything, Nate was breathing heavily, wanting nothing more than to give into the drugging relaxation that waited for him, but he struggled so much against all the things Janusz was saying. This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. 

'The reason I have a fast turnaround,' Janusz said gently, 'is that I'm a lot more concerned with the truth, than some of the others here. I'm not going to lie to you, Nate. You're here with an alpha companion you never would have chosen for yourself because a person you love dropped you off when you were commencing your heat. I know you think that's your fault, but tell me how much power you really have over an alpha - any alpha - in the position you're in? You're the property of Hillview. We have legal custody of you because that's how badly Christian didn't want you around.'

'Stop!' Nate shouted. 

His voice was high, more of a yelp, and Janusz didn't stop. Janusz kept him in place, and easily stopped every single one of Nate's struggles, and stayed implacably silent, and Nate's breathing became choppier, more distressed, and then he could hear it in his own breathing, the emotion getting to him, plucking at him, needling and rooting through him. 

'I'm his,' Nate cried, his voice small. 

'No, you're not,' Janusz said. 'He doesn't want you to be his.' 

'But when I'm better-'

'We don't live in the future, and we don't live in the past. Right now you live in the present, where you belong. To. Me.' 

Nate's struggles redoubled, but it seemed even harder than before, and Janusz was so strong. So much stronger than Nate had ever realised. Right now he seemed cold and mean, and Nate didn't want to cry, was trying so hard not to cry, because he felt betrayed, and Janusz was the nice one. He was the one who was too nice, too nice to rehabilitate him, too nice to make him good enough for Christian.

He didn't seem fucking nice now. 

'Say it, Nate,' Janusz said. 

'Fuck you,' Nate spat out, inhaling wetly. And then, shocked at his own daring, his own meanness, the proof they had that he wasn't anything like a good omega, he burst into tears. And even when he tried to curl in on himself, Janusz wouldn't let him. But his hands softened, and he stroked Nate's hair, and Nate sobbed messily into the mattress, because he felt so trapped, and he didn't want to be in this situation. 'I want to go home.' 

'This is your home,' Janusz said. 'Christian made this your home.' 

A fresh wave of crying then, and Nate's hand came up, and Janusz didn't stop him from clutching his fingers over his wet face, which was a tiny comfort that he took full advantage of. He couldn't stop himself from crying. It was a storm in him. Janusz stayed over him, a threat, not at all what Nate kept expecting. But Janusz petted his hair, and kept the pressure up, and Nate kept crying, thinking that he'd have to stop. When would he stop? 

'Sweetheart,' Janusz said, his voice low. 'It's terrible, isn't it?'

It was. It was terrible. It was all so terrible. 

'I need you to say it,' Janusz said, inexorable. 'I need you to acknowledge me as your alpha.' 

Nate didn't know if he'd ever stop crying at this point. He hated it. His nose was blocked, he tasted salt in his mouth, his face was sticky, and he didn't stop. Some of the sobs were so heavy he coughed, and Janusz didn't cuddle him, or comfort him, and kept pushing him into the bed, a constant alpha steadiness which didn't abandon him. Janusz didn't tell him to shut up, didn't tell him that he sounded whiny, didn't tell him that crying was unbecoming in an omega unless it was during sex and the alpha desired it, he didn't say anything at all. He just...stayed there. 

I need you to acknowledge me as your alpha.

Nate opened his mouth to try and say the words, but he felt so unwell, and he couldn't stop crying. 

'Take your time,' Janusz said. 'But you need to say it.' 

Nate progressed to sharp, fast breaths that he couldn't control, and Janusz hushed him, and breathed deeply above him, and Nate's hysteria calmed down to the sobs of before. 

'A-alpha...persuasion,' Nate said, begging for it. 

Then he'd say anything at all. 

'No, sweetheart, that's so clever of you. But no. I need you to say it.' 

Nate belatedly realised this must be a technique, something done on purpose. This, then, was what they meant when they said that deliberately breaking a previous bond in an omega was painful. It was agonising. Nate instinctively knew that being forced to say these words was like taking a hatchet to a taproot inside himself. He heaved for air, wiped his face into an already soaked blanket, and whined thinly, wishing he knew what Janusz was thinking. 

Eventually, after such a long time Nate thought Janusz would get impatient and just hurt him, he screwed his face up and swung the metaphorical axe into himself, because he knew there was no other way out of this. It would get better; it would get better after he said it. 

It wouldn't hurt as much. 

'Y-you're my... my alpha,' Nate said, and as soon as the sentence was spoken, he felt something crack deep inside of himself and moaned as the pain in his chest doubled. No. No it wasn't better. It wasn't better. He was already freshly crying. And Janusz was releasing the pressure on him but pulling him close, gathering Nate into his lap and wrapping arms of steel around him as he screamed. 

Christian would have pulled his hair by now, shaken him, abandoned him. Christian would have been so angry about all of this. But Janusz had pulled Nate even closer, had his chin on the top Nate's head, arms around him, legs around him, and Nate's chest heaved again as he thought he'd be sick. 

'Shhh. All right, all right, I know, it's so terrible. It's so terrible, Nate. I know it is. I'm going to look after you now, I promise. I promise I will.' 

A hand wiping at his face, his saturated face, and Nate hiccupped several times and stared blankly at the wall and shook convulsively. Finally, Janusz lifted his hand and pressed Nate's face into the crook of his neck. 

'Breathe,' Janusz said. 'Go on. Deep breaths. As deep as you can.'

Nate responded automatically, though his nose was so blocked he had to breathe in Janusz' scent through his mouth. It still helped, and as his nose cleared a little, he sucked down a breath and realised he'd wiped snot all over Janusz' shirt. It was disgusting. He'd have to launder it. He felt so weak. 

'You're going to sleep in here tonight,' Janusz said. 'We're not going to have sex, but I don't want you to be on your own after this. In the morning you can decide whether you want to go back to your room or not.' 

Nate didn't respond. He felt broken into small pieces. Like the first time Christian had brought his friends over to fuck Nate through his heat, and Nate realised it wasn't a joke, and it wasn't even going to be nice. 

'I'm sorry,' Janusz said later, when Nate was back to being dazed, and his breathing was slow. 'It won't always feel like this.'

'It will feel worse,' Nate said, his voice croaking out. Janusz tensed around him, and Nate thought it would be funny if Janusz hit him now. 'It's always, always worse.'

'Always, huh?'

'Always, huh,' Nate echoed back.

'Yeah,' Janusz sighed. 'The world hasn't given you much of a reason to expect any different, and neither have I. That was rough, yeah?'

'How many times?' Nate said in despair. 'How many times do I have to say it?'

'That I'm your alpha?' 

Nate nodded. 

'Until it takes,' Janusz said, his voice heavy. 'Until it takes.'

Nate swallowed down a despairing mewl and squeezed his eyes shut to the fresh wave of tears. God. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. He just...

He just couldn't. 

After that, it was like he disappeared into himself and he fell asleep soon after, and hoped he wouldn't wake up. 

*

When he woke, he knew it was really early in the morning, because predawn was still just a dusky smear outside the window. He rubbed at his swollen, bruised eyes and then sat there in the bed, limp, listening to Janusz' voice down the corridor. He sounded upset. 

'I can't do this,' he was saying. 'Temsen, I can't. This is nothing like any of the previous- I don't fucking care, there has to be a precedent. He needs- He needs- What about someone like Augus? No, I know, but someone like-'

Janusz sounded like he was...crying? Nate frowned. He got out of bed and felt weak and light-headed. He leaned against the doorframe and listened. 

'It's torture,' Janusz was saying, his voice low and urgent. 'It's fucking torture. It's in my contract that I don't have to fucking torture- No, you know what I mean, Temsen, there has to be another way to break- No, I get that, I do, I do get that, but I'm telling you that... Temsen, you didn't see him. How am I supposed to keep doing that? How?' 

Janusz' voice broke. Nate thought about the times Christian woke up from nightmares due to his PTSD, and something in his sore, resentful chest clenched. He walked down the corridor, and Janusz was by the kitchen table, and he looked awful. His stubble was longer, his eyes red-rimmed, and he looked distraught when he saw Nate. 

'Sweetheart,' he said, the phone pressed tight to his ear. 

None of the lights were on. The normal brightness of daylight was the softer press of dawn. Nate rubbed at his face with a closed fist, feeling like a child, and he stared at Janusz' face, and all he knew was that the alpha in front of him was upset, and it was connected to him. 

'I'm sorry,' he said. 

'It's not your fault,' Janusz said, his voice cracking. 'Nate, none of this is your fault.' 

Nate thought he could hear Temsen's voice on the other end of the phone but couldn't make out what he was saying. Nate didn't have to put up with his bullying pheromones either. He walked over to Janusz and looked at him, and it was all so painful to see Janusz struggling like this. He reached out and touched his fingertips to Janusz' hand. And then took it in his. 

Janusz was staring at the place where Nate had taken his hand. And then he stared at Nate, tears spilling when he blinked. 

'I'm sorry,' Nate whispered. 'Even if it's not my fault.'

Janusz' hand suddenly clamped tightly, painfully on Nate's, and his smile was crooked. He pulled Nate close, into a sudden, fierce hug. Nate stood there, shocked, because this wasn't how it went, comforting Christian. 

'I'll call you back,' Janusz said into the phone. 'He needs me.'

'No,' Nate said softly. 

Janusz shoved the phone back into his pocket and wrapped his arms around Nate and pressed a wet cheek to his forehead. 

'Can I make this easier?' Nate said tremulously.

'God, sweetheart, it's not your fault. But holding you like this makes it easier.'

'Are you going to give me to someone else?' 

Janusz shook his head against Nate's. 'No, I'm not. I know- I'm sorry you heard that. I don't really want to give you to anyone else, I just find this part of it so hard. I don't want to make you cry like that, baby. I never wanted to make you cry like that. But I did. It's not your fault.'

'Okay,' Nate said. 

They stood there in the gentler dawn light, and Nate eventually wrapped his arms around Janusz' back, his hands resting lightly, feeling like he'd learned something new about the world, about alphas, or maybe just about this alpha...

'It's okay,' Nate risked saying. 'It's terrible, like you said. It's just terrible.'

Janusz' laugh sounded pained. But he nodded, and he fiercely hugged Nate back, and Nate stared into the cottage and felt wounded, but strangely less lonely than he had the night before. 

Chapter Text

Nate didn’t feel closer to Janusz after that night on his bed. He wanted to. Especially after hearing how upset Janusz had sounded on the phone to Temsen, but Nate knew it wasn’t over. He knew it would be terrible. He knew it didn’t have to be a cell and it didn’t have to be forced heats to be terrible.

Sometimes he stared at the knife block in the kitchen when Janusz was watching television, and he wondered if he’d ever get enough time to himself…

Janusz went out on runs; Nate didn’t always go with him.

It was simple, really. Nate was upsetting Janusz, who was obviously much weaker and nicer than Christian. He upset every alpha he was around. Even the ones paid to deal with him. And Nate didn’t really want to exist in the world anymore. He hadn’t really been that invested in dealing with being in the world for a while. Focusing on keeping Christian happy, distracted him from that low, constant current of despair, but with less distractions, well…

Sometimes he stared at the knives in the knife block, and thought about Janusz’ schedule, and he wondered if he’d ever be strong enough to give himself real peace.

*

The next time Janusz commanded Nate to say he was his alpha, he thought it would be easier, but it wasn’t. He broke all over again, cried all over again, screamed into the blanket all over again, struggled all over again, and afterwards Janusz held him and apologised, and Nate could tell something was going wrong with the process from his reaction.

Janusz found something about Nate too difficult, too hard, and his other omegas had been easier.

There was something broken in Nate.

Maybe he’d never be able to be retrained. Maybe he’d always be static, bonded to Christian, and he’d never change.

*

Janusz didn’t ask him to say he was Nate’s alpha for a few days after that, and the mounting stopped. Nate felt like Janusz had given up on him.

He stared at the knife block.

That night he sat in his room and carefully tore all the pages out of the notebook, and put them all in the small wastepaper basket, one by one. He had nothing of value to say. He didn’t want the pages there. It was a joke that people thought omegas had anything worthwhile to share.

He thought he heard Janusz on the phone to Temsen and didn’t bother eavesdropping. There was no point.

Nate laid back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling and wished he was one of those omegas who didn’t have a birth certificate. If he killed himself, it would be a problem for Hillview. He supposed it would be less of a problem than keeping him here for months while he fucked everything up.

It was tantalising too, thinking something as rebellious as: I don’t want to be here anymore. As though his wishes had ever mattered to anyone, including himself. He had mountains of proof he wasn’t a good omega, and he didn’t have to be. He could just…stop.

He imagined it would hurt. If his mind was working normally, perhaps he’d have words for that, for the spill of blood, for the pain of the knife severing an artery.

He fell asleep imagining that the blackness which awaited him was death, and he slept well instead of restlessly.

*

Two days later, Nate sat numbly on a wooden, upholstered bench in some kind of counselling or interview room. Janusz sat next to him, and Temsen sat opposite on his own bench. There was a single bookshelf in the corner which had a mixture of ornaments and non-fiction books about omegas and omega rights on it. Some of those books were authored by Temsen and Dr Gary.

Nate would wonder where they found the time, but peak alphas were just like that.

‘Hi, Nate,’ Temsen said, looking kind of worried.

The energy in the room was strong and he felt empty. He knew he was going to say things he regretted. Being clearer around Temsen didn’t mean feeling entirely like himself. The peak alpha smelled of freshly mown grass and something sharp, like citrus. It wasn’t as nice as Janusz’ scent.

‘Hi,’ he said.

‘How have you been feeling?’

‘Fine.’

Temsen nodded slowly, then didn’t say anything for a while. He didn’t look as confident as normal, and the room wasn’t the usual medical suite. Nate wished he had something soft to grab onto. He wished he felt like he could turn to Janusz. He remembered pressing his face into Janusz’ torso for comfort, but he hadn’t wanted to do anything like that since he’d started having to say things like, “You are my alpha.”

It was dully, bitterly funny that it made Nate feel further away from everyone he’d ever known.

‘Do you mind if I ask you some questions about your family? Your family history?’

‘Sure,’ Nate said.

Janusz wasn’t even sitting close enough to touch him. Nate experienced it as a rejection, but ultimately didn’t want the closeness. He wasn’t going to be able to help keep up Janusz’ fast turnaround streak with rehabilitating omegas, that was a certainty.

‘Am I correct in understanding your parents are betas?’

‘Yes,’ Nate said.

‘Would you say they’re quite supportive of omega rights? Or your understanding of omega rights?’

‘Yeah. I mean…they let me study poetry online.’

‘What about driving? Or an omega college?’

‘Driving they decided to leave up to whatever alpha wanted me,’ Nate said. Even he could hear that his voice was flatter than usual as he talked. He knew Temsen and Janusz were paying close attention, trying to figure out the puzzle of Nate and why he was so fucked up at being good at this. Nate hadn’t even been through anything bad, and he was still fucking it up. ‘Omega college… I don’t know. I didn’t ask.’

That wasn’t strictly true. Nate hadn’t pushed, which he thought was the right thing to do. He didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and they never expected to give birth to an omega. Nate knew it was in the family tree because of Uncle Corbyn, and because of stories about his great grandfather, but the omega gene was recessive in betas. His mum and dad both had to have it, but his mum couldn’t recall any omegas on her side of the family.

Nate wondered if the omegas been killed and never spoken about again. But his mum was nice, so it was hard to know.

‘Are there any other omegas in your family?’

Nate nodded.

Temsen looked frustrated for just a second, shared a look with Janusz, then leaned back against the bench. One of his legs crossed the other at the ankle. Nate was so bored he could have fallen asleep. Everything was heavy. His muscles were made of lead and felt about as responsive.

‘Nate, do you think your family has ever had any…what people might call atypical or eccentric omegas? Omegas who might be living a life that…doesn’t look like the kind of life many omegas lead?’

A smidgeon of alertness awoke among the leaden feeling, and he looked at Janusz for the first time since they walked into the room. But Nate couldn’t avoid the question. Temsen’s presence wasn’t as intense as it had been the first time they’d met, or even the second time, but that peak alpha energy still dominated the whole room like a dense cloud.

‘Yeah, um, there are stories of my great grandfather. And my Uncle Corbyn is an omega, and he lives…I guess what people would call a different life.’

Temsen was quiet, but he looked expectant. It was obvious Nate was meant to keep talking. He looked down and took a short breath.

‘Uncle Corbyn’s a writer. He lives alone. I don’t think he’s ever been with anyone in a relationship, and I think he hires alphas during his heats, but I don’t know for sure. We’ve never talked about it. He’s…not interested in love. I haven’t talked to him in a long time though. He doesn’t stay near family and travels and then stays in more remote places for a year or two at a time. I think he’s taken… I think he’s taken illegal heat suppressants. You know, the ones that properly stop heats from coming, that are really bad for you.’

‘I see,’ Temsen said. ‘So he’s not just independent, but unusually so. Were the stories similar for your great grandfather? He obviously had a family.’

‘Yeah,’ Nate said. ‘All the stories about him are about his adventures. He ran away from his partner a lot – it was an arranged marriage – sometimes for months or years at a time. And I think he captained a sailboat or a ship for a while. His partner died early, and there’s a rumour that he might have poisoned them.’

He felt Janusz staring at him in fascination. Nate didn’t know how he felt about any of this stuff. He told Christian none of it, because he didn’t want Christian to think of him as coming from bad omega stock. After all, his parents were good and kind betas. So they had nothing to do with it, and Nate could be good as well.

‘My great grandfather only stopped adventuring once his partner was dead,’ Nate said. He didn’t know why he was still talking about it. ‘He opened a shop in his garage and sold second-hand items he picked up, especially like…a lot of omega hand-me-downs, the kinds of things omegas in the past used to make for each other. Fabric stuff, embroidered heat blankets, that kind of thing.’

‘Thank you, Nate, that’s really helpful.’

‘I’m broken, aren’t I?’

‘No,’ Temsen said gently, with a smile. ‘But I think this goes some way to explaining something that Janusz has suspected, and that I think might be happening right now. You don’t feel very bonded to Janusz at the moment, do you? Not even as a friend?’

Nate swallowed thickly and then shrugged.

‘There are some omegas in the world who are a bit different to other omegas. We’ve had them at Hillview before, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you if it turns out this is the case. You can think of being an omega like a spectrum from those who are very docile and obedient, to those that are creative and quite strong-willed. That’s all within the scope of what it is to be an omega. We already know you like poetry, which suggests a creative mind.’

Nate’s breathing came faster, and he inched away from Janusz without even thinking about it, and then froze. God. What was he doing? What was he doing?

‘It’s all right, Nate,’ Janusz said. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong.’

Nate sure didn’t feel like that was true.

‘In these cases,’ Temsen continued, ‘an omega at the more independent end of the spectrum can prematurely create a level of bond we only see with alpha claimings otherwise. Let’s theorise that you’re not just bonded to Christian, but that you’ve gone further and are responding like he’s already claimed you. In those circumstances, we sometimes see a rare phenomenon known as a spontaneous repudiation. That’s a fancy term for an omega biologically shutting down to the idea of bonding with another alpha, and it goes beyond…being resistant – because it’s normal to be resistant – into something that feels quite catastrophic. It’s very painful, Nate.’

Nate’s mouth was dry. He couldn’t speak.

Temsen reached to the side of his bench and brought out a wastepaper basket that Nate recognised. He brought out one of the crumpled blank pieces of paper from Nate’s notebook, and his face was so serious.

Nate stared at it, shaking.

‘So, Janusz brought this to my attention last night. It looks like you’ve torn out all of the pages in your notebook without writing anything on them. Can you talk to me about that?’

Nate looked at Janusz, and thought it was stupid to feel so betrayed. He didn’t even think Janusz would notice. He thought his bin was just being changed. Janusz just looked sad.

‘It’s okay, Nate,’ Temsen said. And Nate felt slightly warmer, slightly more receptive, and his eyelids fluttered as he tried to keep his eyes open. ‘Why did you do this?’

‘I…have nothing worth saying,’ Nate said, his voice rough.

‘Thank you for telling me that,’ Temsen said, his voice even and modulated. ‘Nate, have you been feeling suicidal lately?’

Tears came to Nate’s eyes, and he clasped his hands together, and he couldn’t say no, because Temsen was in the room.

He nodded.

‘Baby,’ Janusz said, like his heart was broken.

‘I’m sorry,’ Nate said. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll stop.’

‘I don’t think this is as easy as just deciding you’ll stop,’ Temsen said, like he’d never felt angry about something like this in his life. ‘It takes a lot of suffering – even if it doesn’t feel like suffering – to end up somewhere like this emotionally. Nate, is it just a feeling, or have you given serious thought to a method of how to kill yourself?’

‘The knife block,’ Nate said.

‘Okay, thank you for telling me that,’ Temsen said. Like Nate had any fucking choice at all. ‘And have you given any thought to when you’d kill yourself?’

‘Janusz goes out for runs sometimes,’ Nate said.

Janusz made a sound that was low and breathless, like he’d been hurt. Even Temsen was silent for a long time, and when Nate looked at him, he seemed more concerned than before. Nate’s expression twisted.

‘I know it’s inconvenient for you if I do it because I have a birth certificate. It’s why I haven’t done it yet. Because it would be an annoying thing to have to deal with.’

Temsen’s troubled expression didn’t ease at all. He looked really unhappy. Nate felt sick.

‘Did you ever feel like this with Christian?’ Temsen said, his voice almost tender.

Nate shrugged, then looked away, eyes still wet. ‘Um. I guess. Not at the very beginning, but like…after a few months maybe. After the first two heats. I made it go away.’

‘That’s clever. How did you do that?’

‘I…just decided to exist for him. And I decided my feelings about things didn’t matter. And it worked. Sometimes I get selfish again, but I try and ignore that.’

‘Goddamn it,’ Janusz said suddenly, sounding furious. Nate’s eyes snapped to his, and Janusz did look angry, his grey eyes like a storm.

‘Janusz,’ Temsen said like a warning.

‘He doesn’t fucking deserve it,’ Janusz snapped, then closed his mouth as the muscles in his jaw worked. He was grinding his teeth, staring down at the ground. His hands were in fists.

‘Just so you know,’ Temsen said to Nate, ‘Janusz is referring to Christian, not you.’

‘O-okay.’ Nate somehow knew that was true anyway. He wanted to jump to Christian’s defence, but he was confused, and he didn’t want to make things worse. It was hard to pretend Janusz thought anything nice about Christian.

‘When Janusz demands that you tell him he’s your alpha, how do you feel about it?’

‘Uh…’ Nate said, staring at Janusz.

‘You can tell us,’ Temsen said softly. ‘How you feel isn’t bad or wrong, but it is concerning, because we want you to live. More importantly, I want you to want that, instead of feeling like you have to do it because you think it would be inconvenient to us if you died.’

Nate wished he had some blankets. He shoved his hands under his thighs for the feeling of pressure.

‘I get upset, and sick,’ Nate said.

‘And afterwards?’

‘I feel nothing,’ Nate said. ‘That first night, I felt bad that Janusz felt bad. But when it happened the second time, I went away afterwards, and I didn’t… Um… It was worse.’

‘What was worse?’

Nate’s fingers dug into the undersides of his thighs. ‘I felt more connected to Janusz before this started happening.’

‘Right, yes, that’s what a spontaneous repudiation can look like. You start the bonding process, something happens, and then - as the literature describes - it feels like you’re no longer really connected to anything or anyone at all. This question might be hard to answer honestly, but are you feeling more connected to Christian lately?’

It was like Temsen knew everything. Like he was psychic. He wasn’t just a normal doctor. Being a peak alpha made him terrifying. He saw too much, he guessed too much.

Nate grabbed at the hem of his shirt instead, crumpling it in his hands.

‘No,’ Nate whispered.

‘No wonder you’re hurting so badly,’ Temsen said. ‘You came here for him, and now you can’t rely on the feeling of that bond in the same way as before to see you through this.’

‘I’m still bonded to him,’ Nate said.

‘You are,’ Temsen acknowledged. ‘You couldn’t have this shutdown around Janusz if you weren’t still bonded to Christian. You’re a fierce little thing underneath all that fear, aren’t you?’

‘Can you get rid of it?’ Nate asked.

‘Why do you think we should get rid of it?’

‘If I wrote a letter saying it was no one’s fault, do you think Hillview would find it easier if I died?’

‘Nate, answer my question, please. And then I’ll answer yours.’

The sternness killed him. Nate bent over himself and wanted to slide onto the floor and crawl towards him and apologise and apologise until they told him it was okay. But nothing was okay.

‘It would be better…if I didn’t think anything at all,’ Nate said in a rasp. He sobbed. ‘If I just didn’t want anything or think anything.’

‘Nate, you might not have thought of this before, because I don’t think it’s in your nature to think this way but…what if you did get more of the things you wanted?’

‘Like Christian?’ Nate said, laughing wetly. ‘Like going home? Like Christian saying he wants me again, like he did in the beginning? Like someone thinking I’m special? When no omega is special? Like how? God. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m like this.’

Nate pressed a hand over his face, his sobs low, and he flinched when Janusz placed a hand on his back. Janusz didn’t move his hand away.

Temsen and Janusz were silent for some time, and Nate’s crying began to slow after a few minutes. He was surprised they hadn’t told him to stop.

‘Nate,’ Temsen said, ‘if you wrote a letter saying it was no one’s fault, we wouldn’t find it easier if you committed suicide. Janusz would be heartbroken and feel like he’d failed you. I would be upset and feel like I’d failed you. It’s really not about the inconvenience of dealing with a death at Hillview, and it’s more about how…emotionally affected we’d be.

‘That’s not your responsibility, because for you to be suffering to this degree that suicide feels like the only path forward, means we have already failed you. I think we’ve missed some crucial details regarding your family history, and we never got a clear enough picture of your situation based on the forms we saw. Unfortunately vetting is an imperfect process, and while we’re used to adjusting to things we don’t expect, sometimes we don’t adjust until we’ve caused a lot of pain. I’m sorry for that.’

‘I am too,’ Janusz said, thumb moving gently over Nate’s spine. ‘I’m sorry, Nate.’

‘Nate, I’m going to give you a choice. I know you don’t like making choices, but I want you to try. If I gave you the choice between talking to Christian, or going back to the cottage and trying something new with Janusz, what would you choose?’

Nate was silent for a long time, then shakily he said: ‘Do you want…the right answer, or the true answer?’

‘The true one,’ Temsen said. ‘Always the true one. Not the one you think I want to hear; I promise.’

‘I want to talk to Christian,’ Nate said.

He was going to do anything he could to make Christian understand he had to come home. He could make it work, couldn’t he? He’d made it work before.

‘All right,’ Temsen said, sounding disappointed. ‘Let’s do that now.’

Nate stared at him in amazement, but Temsen wasn’t looking at him. Instead he stared at Janusz, looking like he didn’t want to do this at all. And Nate thought it was a really good act, because Temsen was a peak alpha, and he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted.

The world was built with different kinds of people in mind, and those people were never omegas.

Chapter Text

The room they went into for the phone call to Christian was Dr Gary's office, and Nate looked around in fear. Dr Gary's energy was nothing like Temsen's, though they were both peak alphas. Temsen could be gentler, even though he was still overwhelming. There was something about Dr Gary's energy which compressed the space, and even though he looked casual enough sitting behind his big office desk, Nate couldn't look anywhere near him for long.

Nate thought Dr Gary looked like an older movie star, the kind of guy who might play the head of a spy organisation, or some kind of retired James Bond character. He was silvering at the sides of his hair, but even that looked pretty, and it wasn't just random white hairs everywhere. It was like nature was determined to make him look refined and handsome no matter what.

'Dr Gary's here today because this is something we're making an exception for,' Temsen said. ‘It’s not something Hillview normally does.’

'I hear you've been having a rough time,' Dr Gary said, his voice not as hard as Nate expected. 'We normally don't make exceptions to our no-contact rule when it comes to letting omegas talk to previous alphas before a bond has been established, so we do have to supervise. Nate, this might be difficult for you, are you sure you want to talk to Christian?' 

Nate looked at Janusz. He seemed like the safest person in the room, and he was standing to the side, like he didn't even belong there. Had Nate done that to him? But Janusz' smile for him was tired but kind, and Nate nodded in answer to Dr Gary's question. 

'I'm... I'm sure,' Nate said. He sounded like he was recovering from a cough or a sore throat. He didn't know what was wrong with his voice. 

'We're putting this call on speaker, and it will be recorded,' Dr Gary said. 'That's protocol. It will not be shared with anyone outside of this room, except perhaps Bennett, if you ever end up seeing him and consent to that. Do you understand?' 

'Yes,' Nate said, unsure why his consent mattered. 

'Nate, Christian might be quite unpleasant to you,' Gary said, like he was trying to warn Nate. 

Nate could only smile. He wanted to say: He should be. That's his right. That's what I deserve. I haven't bonded to Janusz yet and it sounds like Temsen thinks I've done the opposite of that so I think Christian will be really mad, and that's understandable. He wanted to say: No one here can do their fucking jobs right. You're all too nice. 

He looked at Janusz again while Temsen set up a phone on the desk. 'If I'm atypical, doesn't that mean you should be meaner? Or use atypical methods?'

'This is an atypical method,' Temsen said, staring at something on the phone. 'We're doing that right now, Nate.' 

Nate pressed his lips together. It wasn't what he meant, and he shrank back into the chair opposite Dr Gary's desk. 

'All right. Are you ready, Nate?' Temsen said. 

The fear that came was stronger than the intimidation he felt at being in a room with two peak alphas and an alpha. Because...Christian. It didn't feel like he'd really been away from him for that long, but now everything flooded back. From the way Christian grabbed his arm hard enough to bruise on the day he'd dropped Nate off, to all the tense conversations they’d had beforehand. 

Nate nodded, and Temsen nodded too, then pressed dial on the phone. 

Nate shoved his hands under his thighs and held his breath, then felt a blank terror when the ringing stopped and someone picked up. 

'This is Christian,' his alpha said in acknowledgement. 

'Good morning, Mr Smythe,' Temsen said. 'This is Dr Temsen from Hillview Rehabilitation, we talked briefly earlier today.'

They did? Nate looked at Temsen - who was looking concertedly at the phone, as troubled as he'd been earlier - and then he looked at Janusz, who looked...really unhappy. Nate wished he could apologise for stressing him out so much, but...

Christian was on the phone.

It was an overwhelming need, he felt his body canting forwards, even though he was scared, even though he wanted to get it right, do a good job, somehow go home. 

'Christian,' Nate said. 

A silence on the other end, then an impatient sigh, and Nate stared at the floor and forced himself to take slow, deep breaths. He couldn't be too needy. Christian had said so many times that he didn't want to hear how hard Nate was finding rehabilitation. 

'H-how are you?' Nate said. 

'I'm fine, Nate. What do you want?' 

Nate heard another voice in the background come over the speaker. A softer voice. He wondered if Christian was out somewhere. 

'It's- It's good that you're fine,' Nate said, even though it wasn't good, because Christian saying “fine” usually meant he was in a dismissive mood and didn't want to be bothered. But Nate knew he might not get another opportunity to speak to Christian for months. 'Um. They don't think rehabilitation is working very well, I'm so sorry, Christian. I've been trying really hard. But maybe if I came home-'

'It's not working well because you're not trying hard enough,' Christian said, then he sucked in a breath and laughed bitterly. 'You always do this, Nate. Do you know how much better my PTSD has been since you haven't been here?' 

Nate couldn't think. His whole torso felt like it spasmed, some laceration opened up that no one could see, and for a moment he wasn't even in the room. He wasn't anywhere at all. The ghost of a touch on his shoulder, and Nate flinched and twisted in a rush, and saw Janusz standing over him staring at the phone like he could kill it. Nate shook his head because this was normal. It was fine. Nate's reaction was making it seem like a bigger deal than it was.

'I'm so relieved it's been better,' Nate said, trying to keep his voice smooth and pleasant. 

Temsen and Dr Gary shared a look, and Nate ignored them. 

'I really think I've learned enough to be more helpful to you when I come home, and because it's not working, maybe-'

'Do you know how much you cost me right now?' Christian said. 'Do you know how much I'm paying to make sure you're not around me at the moment? Did you really think I dropped you off because I believed you’d ever be fit enough to come home to me? Look, I'm sorry, Nate, I know you don't want to hear it, but I was surprised at how much lighter I felt when you weren't around anymore. In only a week, it's been a miracle.' 

The hand on his shoulder squeezed gently. It was reassurance. But Nate felt nothing except a wrenching pain so deep inside him it was communicating from kilometres away. It was too far for him to see. 

Christian had never said it like that before. Paying to make sure Nate wasn't around him. Making it sound like he’d never wanted Nate to come home at all. Maybe Nate had misheard? Nate swallowed and didn't know what to do. He needed to keep trying, didn't he? But Christian didn't want him to, and if he was too persistent, Christian would be angry with him. 

Christian was already angry with him. 

'You know what they said to me?' Christian said, laughing. 'They said you've bonded to me almost as strong as if I'd claimed you. Like you asserted your own claim first. I didn’t even know omegas could do that.'

'I love you so much,' Nate said tremulously. 

'You did that without my permission?' Christian said, scathing. 'You'd do something like that to me without my permission? Knowing the kinds of things I've had to live through? You knew I had valid reasons for not claiming you, and it turns out you're some kind of freak who can't even remember his place, and you tried to take control away from me? Violate me?' 

Nate stared at the phone, then lurched towards it, kept in the chair by Janusz' hand alone. 

'No!' Nate said. 'No! I didn't know! It wasn't like that, I promise. I would never- And... And it's not- I didn't know, I didn't-'

'You'd be amazed how much damage someone can do from a place of ignorance,' Christian said. 'I know it must be pretty hard there, but it's been pretty hard here too, processing how much easier it's been without you in my life.'

The sob Nate made was unexpected. It fell out of him like he'd been kicked. 

'Don't cry,' Christian snapped. 

Nate reflexively locked down, trembling instead, and his shoulders hunched forwards. 

'Have you stopped?' Christian said. 

'Yes,' Nate whispered. 

'I don't like being manipulated,' Christian said sternly. 'I see they haven't gotten rid of that habit of yours yet.' 

'I'm sorry,' Nate said. 

'Anyway. This supposed claim you've made with me, that's not on me, and that's not my fault. You did that all on your own. You're making it harder for them, all on your own.' 

'It's not a problem for us,' Temsen said smoothly, and Nate couldn't make out the expression on his face, but it scared the shit out of him. He had to look away. Temsen looked like... Temsen looked like his expression was frozen because he was so angry behind it, he didn't know how else to hide it. Nate didn't think his scent was spiked, but he couldn't tell. Everyone's scents were so strong in the room anyway. 

'Good,' Christian said. 'I suppose that's what I'm paying you for. And I'm happy to keep paying until Nate gets placed with someone else.' 

Nate's whole body went cold, freezing from his skin inwards. 

'Are you there, Nate?' Christian said. 

'Yes, Christian.' 

'Did you hear what I just said?' 

'I- Yes, Christian. But-'

'Don't back-talk, that's such an ugly thing for an omega to do. I'm going to be clear, Nate, since I think you'll try and find ways around my wording, but I don't want you. Maybe I haven't wanted you for a while, and I was just...reluctant to tell you because I know how much this is going to hurt you. But I'm angry too, because I had no idea it would hurt you more because you'd gone ahead and forced me into some claim-level bond without my consent.' 

'It doesn't impact you at all,' Temsen interjected, and Christian inhaled sharply. But Temsen was staring at the phone like a laser, and Nate had never seen that expression on his face. 

'With all due respect, I don't think you know how this would impact someone with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,' Christian said in a polite tone that meant he was really angry. Nate whimpered absently, and Janusz edged closer, but it didn’t help. Nate would do anything to make sure Christian wasn’t in this mood. Anything.

'I'm one of the leading experts in the world on the impacts of trauma on omegas,' Temsen said with a faint smile, 'and I've written or co-written over fifty papers and books on the subject, but you're somewhat correct, I don't know how trauma impacts every kind of alpha. I only know what it's doing to the omega in this room with us right now.'

Christian laughed. 'You've convinced them you have trauma? Oh my god. Nate. Anyway. Apparently your bond is so strong I have to repudiate it.' 

Nate realised that's why Temsen had called Christian earlier. They'd explained it to him, they'd all agreed to it, and that's why Temsen had looked so disappointed when Nate had agreed to the call. He knew with a strange, horrible clarity, that Temsen - as weird as he was for a peak alpha - didn't want to put him through this. That's why Temsen was so angry. Nate was scared for the moment when he'd realise it was all Nate's fault. 

'Please,' Nate whispered. 

'Are you stupid? I don't want you. Do you want to know how much I don't want you? Kaden, come here for a moment, I need you to speak to someone.' 

Nate was going to be sick. He was going to be sick. He couldn't see. The sound of Christian's voice muffled over the speaker, and then: 

'You're so lucky you get to go somewhere so fancy.' A soft young man's voice, an omega's voice. 'He could've just broken up with you. This is a really nice way to do it.' 

The sound Nate made was so desolate he didn't know what it was. 

'They'll place you with another alpha, won't they? Is it very bad there? Are they raping you all the time?' 

'No,' Nate said. 

'That’s good. Aren’t you grateful? It's really gross when omegas are clingy. Christian wants to speak to you again, here you go.' 

'I don't really know how this works,' Christian said speculatively. 'I never thought I'd be caught in a situation so complicated. I suppose we'd best make it as official as possible. Nathaniel Prince, I repudiate my bond with you, and this relationship. I don't want you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want you to call me again. I don't want to look at you. Everything about you-'

Dr Gary grabbed the phone suddenly and must have muted it, or done something, because Christian's voice cut off and Dr Gary said to Temsen in a hard, firm voice: 'Get him out of the room. Now.' 

Janusz took Nate by the shoulders and tried to help him stand, but Nate's whole body wasn't working. His mind wasn't working. There was pain screaming, but it was so far away. Like breakers on the beach outside. Temsen came over and picked him up easily. 

'I love him,' Nate said, realising they were going to take him out of the room. 'I love him though! Wait, wait-!'

The door swung open, and Nate's last glimpse of Dr Gary was of him picking up the phone and pressing it to his ear, face like a thunderstorm. 

'We had to let it go for that fucking long?' Janusz said, his voice breaking. 

'We needed the repudiation to be formal, he dragged it out on purpose,' Temsen said. As soon as the door closed, he pressed Nate into Janusz' arms instead. 'The medical suite, follow me. Use alpha persuasion to keep him calm.' 

Nate was struggling, hardly aware he was struggling. But it wasn't meant to be Dr Gary on the phone with Christian, it was supposed to be him. 

'I just need to tell him-' 

'Shhh, Nate,' Janusz said, voice low. Janusz didn't even tell him to be calm, didn't tell him to settle down, but those two words had him turning limp once more and he heard his own breathing, rough and fast, and Temsen was swearing under his breath, and Nate wanted to apologise, but he couldn't speak. 'It's going to be okay.' 

The pain in Nate's body was getting louder. The wave was going to hit the shoreline. Sometimes they looked so small in the distance, and then as they got closer, they got so much bigger. A door swung open, everything was moving quickly, and then Janusz was sitting, and Nate was still against his chest, in his lap. Temsen's face was a mask as he quickly pulled a vial of something out of a fridge and drew the liquid into a needle. The metal slipped quickly into Nate's wrist, and the press of the fluid was cold. Temsen watched him closely, then stepped back. 

'Did it work?' Janusz said. ‘The repudiation?’

'It worked,' Temsen said. 'You can't smell it yet?' 

Janusz must have indicated he couldn't. 

'You will,' Temsen said heavily. 

Nate couldn't stop shaking. He stared as Temsen measured his blood pressure, and then his face did something, and then he looked at Janusz, almost angry. 

'Do your job, Janusz.' 

'But-'

'Far be it for me to say something as banal as, "He's paying a lot to keep Nate here" - but no companion is paid to keep his distance.' 

'Gotcha,' Janusz said. 

Even with the blood pressure cuff on Nate's forearm, Janusz still curved an arm around Nate's body and tipped him closer. Nate was facing Janusz' chest now, and his eyes were still open, unblinking, as a hand curved around the back of his head. There was a muddy amount of scent around him, but something sharp filtered through like berries. It wasn't soft and woody, like Christian's. It wasn't at all like Christian's. It wasn't...

'Baby,' Janusz said. 'That was horrible, wasn't it?' 

Nate opened his mouth to cry out for Christian, but Christian didn't want him. He didn't...want him? 

Christian didn’t want him. Not just for now, but forever.

'I can smell it,' Janusz said suddenly. 'Oh, Nate. Sweetheart.' 

'Here,' Temsen said. Two blankets came down and settled on Nate's body, over Janusz' arms. Temsen tucked the edges of the blankets in, and Nate thought the blankets must be really thin because he was still so cold. 'I'm going to leave. I'm too angry. Not at you, Nate. Use your persuasion, Janusz. Now's not the time to be shy with it.'

'But after all that, shouldn't-'

'I swear to god,' Temsen said, his voice sharp like a whip, 'if you don't, I will. I have to talk to Gary about some things. Do your job, Janusz, and we'll debrief later.'

Janusz must have nodded, because Temsen left. 

Janusz' arms tightened around Nate's whole body. 'You're going to be okay,' he said. 'You're safe here.' 

Nate's body was tense and empty. He was so cold. What had Temsen given him. Was that what made him cold? 

‘Of course it’s not working, baby,’ Janusz said, sounding shattered, like the wave had already reached him. ‘Of course it’s not. Temsen’s such an idiot. What has this done to you? Nate, you didn’t deserve any of this.’

Nate knew Christian didn't want him sometimes, but he'd sent him to Hillview to make him better, so... so they could be together. But then Christian had said…

Christian had said…

The breaking happened in slow motion. The wave rose up, and up, and up over him, and he felt like he could only stare at the deepening shadow that covered him, and he felt cocooned, even a little bit safe like Janusz had said, and he was scared, and the urge to go to the phone and fix what had just happened was vanishing. Christian had pushed him away, Christian didn't want him, and there was nothing Nate could say or do about it. He even...had a new omega. He had a new omega. That's who that was, wasn't it? A new omega. Already. 

Not even a month. He had a new omega. 

'You're safe here,' Janusz said in a stronger voice, a heavier push behind it, and Nate couldn't fight that, he couldn't. He sagged in Janusz' arms. He wanted to scream. But even that came from far away. The wave smashed over him, and he heard himself crying, sobbing, and he kept telling himself to stop, and he couldn't stop. 

'I want you,' Janusz whispered to him, holding him so close it hurt. 'I want you. I'm not walking away. I'm not going to walk away from you, Nate. I'm not going to leave you somewhere. I'm not going to make you leave if you don't want to leave. I want to look at you. I want to talk to you. I want to hear everything you have to say. I want to read your poetry. I want to help you. I want to be there for you, and hold you, and make your pain go away. I want to help you. I want to go on long drives with you. I want to sit on the beach with you, and watch sunsets with you, and tell you about my day, and listen to you about your day. I want you, Nate, I promise.' 

Nate was amazed by the raw words, the amount of emotion in them, but even that was far away. He heard himself crying, he couldn't stop, and Janusz used persuasion soon after that to tell him to rest, and Nate felt the wave smash down over him, and he opened his mouth to scream, but the persuasion was strong, and his eyes rolled back as he sank into unconsciousness. 

Chapter Text

The next two weeks were foggy, with moments of clarity. 

Nate and Janusz lived in the medical suite. Temsen gave Nate a cannula through his wrist, attached to an IV stand that provided saline and drugs. Nate mostly slept through the agony, with a combination of medication and Janusz’ alpha persuasion. 

‘It really is like a broken claim,’ Janusz said roughly to Temsen, in a rare moment when Nate was aware of more than the excruciating pain in his body. 

‘It is,’ Temsen said crisply, typing something into his computer. ‘That’s exactly what it is.’

‘Would it have been this painful if it had happened naturally? On its own?’ 

‘It may never have happened naturally,’ Temsen said. ‘What you were seeing when you were asking him to say you’re his alpha was a glimpse of this. The reason it pushed him away from the bond was because biologically he would have sensed a claim being hurt, and he protected himself.’ 

Fingers smoothing over Nate’s forehead, moving his hair away from damp skin. ‘I want him home.’

‘I know,’ Temsen said. ‘I want him well. So often when we see alphas as abusive as Christian, they’re usually more overtly and obviously abusive. They have a clearer history, and we’re prepared. He’s genuinely dangerous, and I suspect not just to omegas. An alpha like that with an atypical omega is a disaster. Nate’s…not a short-term graduation prospect, by any means.’ 

‘I know,’ Janusz said. ‘I don’t mind. Oh hey, Nate, are you awake, sweetheart?’ 

Nate made a sound, and Temsen turned in his seat and appeared blurry through the tiny slivers of lucidity in Nate’s eyes. 

‘He’s still in so much pain,’ Janusz said. 

‘I know,’ Temsen said, grimacing. He rolled forwards in the chair and looked over Nate’s face with a sombre expression. ‘I’m sorry, Nate. You look tired. Do you want some more sleep? I think that would help.’ 

A wave of tiredness rose up in response to Temsen’s words, so Nate nodded, and then fell asleep. 

*

A late night, a week and a half after the phone call, and Nate woke to Janusz on the hospital cot with him, under the blankets. Janusz’ arm was under Nate’s neck, cradling him close. Nate took great lungfuls of Janusz’ scent. It was sharp. It felt like being aware of what was happening to him, and he remembered he’d made some claim on Christian without his knowledge, and it had broken, or was in the process of breaking. 

‘Are you awake, sweetheart?’ Janusz asked gently, even as his eyes were closed. 

Nate nodded. 

‘The pain’s still bad?’ 

Nate nodded again. 

‘Will you tell me what made you so upset that day on the beach?’ 

Nate cast his mind back, confused, and then remembered finding the pipis in the sand – those pretty little shells – and Janusz treating them like food, and he didn’t know what to say. Language and sentences were hard to find. In the space it took Nate to think about how to phrase things, Janusz had woken more and was stroking Nate’s hair. It felt nice. Nate liked it when he did that. 

‘You treated them like they meant nothing.’ Nate picked through each word, hoped they made sense. 

‘What do you mean?’ 

‘The shells. They were just food to you. For fishes, or for people. Just food. Weak things are just meaningless to you. They were so pretty. All different colours. They were just food. Nothing mattered.’ 

Janusz cupped the back of Nate’s head; he bent down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. Nate worried he smelled disgusting. He wasn’t showering every day in the medical suite, though Enris and another beta came in every day and either gave him a sponge bath or helped him into the shower chair and gave him a shower. Nate wanted to be precious about his body, but he was too exhausted to manage much shame, and the betas were so professional and easy about it, and Nate didn’t like moving the IV stand while showering himself. 

‘I’m so sorry,’ Janusz said. 

‘That’s just how weak things are viewed,’ Nate said. ‘They get eaten up by life.’

‘I wish you’d told me on the day. I wish you’d told me what you found special about them, so I could find them special too. Do you think you could show me one day what you like about them?’ 

Nate made a low mewling noise, feeling like he was going to cry all over again. It was so tender, and he didn’t know what to do with that. Janusz wasn’t supposed to react this way. He was supposed to say they were food and nothing more. He was supposed to knuckle down into his beliefs, and not accept his mind being changed by some defective omega. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Nate said, his voice breaking. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Shhh, be easy, sweetheart. Be easy.’

‘I didn’t know,’ Nate said, sniffing wetly. 

‘What didn’t you know?’ 

‘I’m sorry for crying.’ 

‘If that’s what you feel like doing, then that’s what I want you to do.’ 

Nate almost said: But Christian hated it. But Christian didn’t want him anymore, and it felt disrespectful to even use his name in a sentence. He pressed his face into Janusz’ neck and tears streamed. He cried silently, and after about ten minutes Janusz used alpha persuasion to help him sleep again. 

*

At the end of three weeks, Temsen removed the cannula and put a little plaster on the slight wound left over. He took Nate’s blood pressure and other measurements, and he sighed and then smiled. 

‘Better,’ he said. ‘Not great, but better. I think you can go back to the cottage with Janusz now.’ 

Nate burst into tears like an idiot, both of his hands over his face. He didn’t have a home anymore, but that cottage – where Nate had a little room of his own – felt like a home, and he’d rather be there than in a medical suite. 

‘I know,’ Temsen said. ‘I know it’s hard, Nate. Do you still feel like killing yourself?’ 

‘I don’t know,’ Nate said. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Maybe wait like one second before interrogating him,’ Janusz said, his voice harder and firmer than Nate expected. It shocked him. ‘I’ll find out when we get home.’

‘Good. I’d rather you were actually doing your job than withdrawing out of fear that you’re doing something wrong.’

Nate’s eyes widened at the way Temsen talked to him. He stared between them, his mouth opened, and Janusz looked at Temsen in surprise.

‘Did you have something you wanted to say, Nate?’ Temsen said.

‘Why are you treating him like that?’ Nate said, his voice weak. ‘Are you angry at him?’

Temsen’s eyes narrowed a little, he tilted his head at Nate, then looked sidelong at Janusz. But then his expression cleared.

‘I’m frustrated,’ Temsen said. ‘His caution around you, while it comes from a very understandable place, hasn’t been helpful. Omegas do better with firm guidance. Janusz hasn’t been trained to handle certain kinds of cases, including yours, and he can’t help how he feels, but he also needs to step more firmly into the role he’s been hired to perform.’

Nate felt dizzy, and he stared at Janusz instead, because his head felt less foggy when he wasn’t trying to focus on a peak alpha.

‘Oh,’ Nate said all at once. ‘You’re mad because Janusz isn’t meaner to me.’

‘No, baby,’ Janusz said, stepping forwards, walking past Temsen and talking across him. ‘No. That’s not it at all. He’s mad because Hillview didn’t vet this process properly, and now you’re stuck with me, I’m afraid, because of the shortcomings of this organisation and those in charge of it.’

Janusz looked over his shoulder at Temsen, and Nate swallowed, because the atmosphere had grown colder. But when Janusz turned back, his expression was soft.

‘We’re going to go home, okay? Whatever advice Temsen wants to give you regarding any medications you need to take, he can send through the nurse.’

Janusz removed the blood pressure cuff off Nate’s arm with the tearing sound of Velcro and left it on the bed. Then he picked up Nate and took a deep breath. It was like he was steeling himself, and Nate didn’t know what for. Maybe he was too heavy for Janusz to carry easily.

‘You want me to step into my role as an alpha,’ Janusz said, addressing Temsen, ‘you could easily ready yourself for a lawsuit with how neglectful this entire process has been from start to finish. The processes failed both Nate and me from the beginning, and nearly killed Nate. The least you could do is get the door.’

Nothing happened for long, long seconds, and Nate’s heart beat with a strange, slow terror. Why would anyone challenge a peak alpha like that? Why would anyone? People died for it. Everyone knew it could get you killed.

But after a pause, Temsen stood and opened the door, and then stepped out of the way.

‘I’ll send Enris down in a couple of hours,’ he said.

‘I’m going to treat Nate how I know to treat an omega,’ Janusz said, as he paused at the threshold. ‘Which is not only how Hillview trained me, but what’s ethical. If you wanted someone different for him, that’s not on me. And if you want me to become someone different for him, that’s not my problem.’

‘I understand,’ Temsen said.

Nate wanted to look at Temsen to double check what was happening. Was a peak alpha actually yielding to an alpha? It sure seemed like it. But Nate thought Janusz was one of the weaker ones. Nate didn’t know it was even possible for peak alphas to yield to anyone.

He stared up at Janusz’ jawline in amazement as Janusz carried him outside, and it was only halfway to the cottage that Janusz released an explosive breath and laughed weakly, squeezing Nate tighter.

‘Baby,’ he said gruffly. ‘I’m so sorry you had to see that. Are you okay?’

‘You… You told him off,’ Nate whispered.

‘I did. Sometimes I think they get a bit too up themselves.’

‘The… the peak alphas?’

‘Yep. The peak alphas. And no, Nate, he doesn’t want me to be meaner to you. He wants me to be firmer. But it was my firmness that got us here. It was me making you say I’m your alpha, and that you’re my omega – and not giving you a choice – that got us here. I’m still going to be your alpha, but I think some flexibility is going to do better than rigidity, at least with some things.’

Nate was silent for some time, and then he wriggled to be put down when they got to the cottage. When he saw the front door, he teared up again, and raised the hospital blanket to his face.

Janusz’ hand was firm on his shoulder. ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘You’re going to feel so much better here.’

Nate nodded weakly and walked into the cottage, then stood there, feeling adrift. He knew he should offer to do something, like making coffee, or some food, but he didn’t understand where to start. If Christian didn’t want him, when Nate was so sure he’d been trying his best to please him, then what was Nate supposed to do now?

He couldn’t even ask if Christian had made a mistake.

Christian didn’t make mistakes like that.

‘Sweetheart,’ Janusz said, stepping closer. ‘What’s wrong?’

Nate was crying. He’d cried so little throughout his life – though he’d had the instinct to do it a lot when he first met Christian – and now he was making up for it. He pressed his sleeve to his face.

‘He doesn’t want me anymore,’ Nate said, and the next sound out of his mouth was a sob, as Janusz pulled him close and ruffled his hair, and then cradled the back of his head.

‘That’s his loss, Nate,’ Janusz said fiercely. ‘That’s his loss. Come on, let’s get you into a nest. Do you want to do it out here in the lounge with me? Or in your room?’

‘Lounge,’ Nate said between sobs, the sound small.

‘Lounge it is!’ Janusz said with a gentle cheerfulness.

Janusz didn’t let go as he walked them both into Nate’s room and picked up all the blankets. He draped two over Nate’s shoulders, and carried the rest in his other hand, keeping an arm around Nate’s waist. And then he started setting up the nest on the couch, and after a moment, Nate instinctively reached out and changed the order of the blankets. Janusz had put the wrong one down first.

He froze halfway through and looked back at Janusz, sniffing hard. What was wrong with him? He never would’ve done that to Christian. ‘I’m sorry. I should’ve- I should’ve just let you do it.’

‘You’re the one who knows how to do this best, Nate. I want you to do it. That’s why I said nothing.’

Janusz’ smile seemed sincere, and his scent wasn’t mean. Nate looked back at the nest of blankets, wiped at his eyes, and then tentatively kept going. Eventually he’d created a bowl-shape of blankets where he and Janusz sometimes sat before he’d been in the medical suite. He kept one blanket in his arms for the weight and then got into his usual spot and felt something soften inside of him when he felt the blankets at his back.

He was crying again, the blanket up against his face, and Janusz came and sat next to him and tucked the top blankets around them both until only their heads were visible. And finally, feeling tucked in and warm, he felt something settle in his mind, even as he kept sniffling and making small sounds of hurt.

Christian would have told him to stop ages ago. Christian had told him to stop. But then he’d said he didn’t want Nate anymore.

‘He already had someone else,’ Nate said.

‘Yeah. We’re going to do our best to warn Kaden about what to expect,’ Janusz said. ‘But he’s not our responsibility, sweetheart. You are.’

‘I don’t get why you all think Christian’s that bad.’

‘I know. That’s part of it. That’s something he taught you. Something society taught you. It was in his best interests to make sure you believed everything he used to do was normal.’

‘So I’m either…broken, or stupid?’ Nate said, his voice cracking. ‘Too stupid to see something everyone else could see?’

‘Nate, you’re breaking my fucking heart,’ Janusz said.

‘You don’t know what that feels like,’ Nate said without thinking. ‘You don’t know what that really feels like.’

Then he realised Janusz had bonded with omegas before and had to go through a broken bond every time, and he stared at Janusz in horror. He opened his mouth to apologise, feeling like he’d be sick then and there for being so arrogant, then froze at the fingers that touched his jaw.

Janusz had more stubble than usual. It suited him.

‘I know you want to apologise, baby, but I need to say something. I don’t know what you’re going through. I’ve never claimed an omega, and I’ve never had a claim broken. A broken bond is agonising for alphas. But broken claims and a repudiation can kill omegas. It’s rare, but that’s how painful that is. That’s why you just spent three weeks in the medical suite. I’ve never had to do that. Nate, I want you to tell me how much you’re hurting. I want you to say things like, “You don’t know what that feels like” – even if I do – because it shows me how lonely you feel, and how abandoned you feel. Everything you’re saying, I want to hear.’

Nate bit down hard on his bottom lip. He had an instinct to argue. All the rules he had about behaving himself were falling apart without Christian in the back of his mind, reinforcing them. He was going to become a messy, useless omega.

He realised they were going to place him with another alpha once he left Hillview, and burst into a fresh wave of sobs, hiding his face when Janusz came closer.

‘Maybe you weren’t ready to leave the medical suite,’ Janusz said, sounding worried.

‘You’re going to place me with another alpha,’ Nate wailed. ‘Another one! You’re going to make me bond to another alpha! I can’t do it again, I can’t! I’ll kill myself if you do it again. I will!’

His eyes squeezed shut as Janusz wrapped both arms around him and pulled him so close the pressure ached. The nest wasn’t quite right anymore, but the contact was so intense that Nate fell silent, each exhale a quiet sob.

‘Nate, it hurts when you use suicide as an ultimatum without giving me a chance to talk to you first,’ Janusz said, his voice surprisingly stern. Nate hated that tone. He buried his face in Janusz’ shoulder and whined when fingers stroked his hair. He didn’t deserve all this comfort, did he? He didn’t deserve any of it. ‘But you’re hurting so, so badly. We won’t place you with another alpha until you decide you’re ready. If you don’t decide you’re ready, we’ll figure something out. In the meantime, you’re going to live here with me, and share your heats with me so you don’t get hurt. Okay?’

‘But I cost money. Christian won’t pay forever. I bet he stops now. He’ll stop. He doesn’t- He has someone else.’

‘Shhh, Nate. Listen to me. Hillview costs so much so we can put funds aside to support omegas like you who need a place to live and space to recover. You can stay here for as long as you need to. We don’t have to rush to place you with an alpha outside of Hillview. I promise. We’ve got your back, Nate. It might not be what you’re used to, and you might think we’re too nice, but don’t you feel you might need something that’s nice for a little while?’

Nate wiped his face on Janusz’ shirt even though he was crying all over again.

‘Let it out, sweetheart,’ Janusz crooned. ‘No one’s going to yell at you for having feelings here. Especially about this. And later you’ll have a nap, and then we’ll make something nice to eat, okay? Do you want to help me?’

‘Can I?’ Nate said, looking up, his words mangled by his own wrecked voice.

‘Yeah,’ Janusz said with a tired smile. ‘Yeah, baby. Fuck all the protocol, you can help me.’

Nate knew nothing about the protocol, but relief bloomed inside him, and he gripped up Janusz’ shirt in his fingers and hoped one day he’d stop crying long enough to make up for the burden he’d been. He knew Janusz was maybe one of the nicest people he’d ever met, even in his family, and the thought was so scary he’d been avoiding it.

But maybe… Maybe he could think about it in the next few days, and what that meant.

Chapter Text

Janusz

*

Nate was crying again. Janusz could pick up the scent anywhere in the house now, the entire space soaked with the salt of his grief. The rest of the time, Nate’s scent was subtle, like approaching rain. It had taken Janusz a while to learn its nuances, though it had been like a storm during his heat. Even then, it was the strangest scent he’d encountered. The six previous omegas he’d graduated all had very distinct scents. Nate’s blended into the background.

He wondered if that was a product of Christian, or if it had always been that way.

But now Nate was crying again. He was doing it silently – it disturbed Janusz how easily Nate could express that level of grief quietly – and he was drying the dishes.

Janusz covertly looked over. He took a slow breath and focused on keeping his own scent calm but strengthened it hoping it would soothe.

Temsen said the crying was part of the process. Christian’s repudiation inflicted a massive psychological wound, it would take time to recover. Nate’s grief wasn’t even that he now knew Christian was a giant fuckhead, an abusive piece of shit, it was simply that he was untethered and lost, and it would be another act of violence for Janusz to claim him to force him to feel secure again.

But it was tempting. It was really tempting.

There’d been six previous omegas and Janusz had gotten cocky. He’d thought he was bombproof at his job. Then Nate came along and was like a land-mine, making Janusz question not only if he was good at his job, but if he was even a good person.

Temsen said Janusz had traumatised himself the day he’d mounted Nate and forced him to say Janusz was his alpha. He had nightmares of Nate crying and then gagging and screaming beneath him. Nightmares of Nate’s voice breaking, begging him to stop. Sometimes he remembered how small Nate felt beneath him the second time, the dread he’d felt in his chest, curdling his scent, making him angry at the whole situation, at the fucking protocol.

But the protocol always worked so well in the past. It could be difficult for omegas, but not like that. Never like that.

Janusz looked over at Nate again.

If this was one of the other omegas he’d been with, he’d be over there comforting him. It’s what Temsen would tell him to do.

The training would say Nate wasn’t supposed to be drying dishes at all.

Janusz looked over at the television and realised the McLaren he’d been following hadn’t even finished the race. He’d stopped paying attention, and he’d missed the moment it had spun off the track. He didn’t even know if the driver – some new guy whose name he should have paid more attention to – was safe, but he was sure there would have been more agitation from the commentator if he wasn’t.

He’d have to look it up later.

He stood, felt the way Nate tensed even from this distance. It was visceral. Janusz had never met an omega so painfully attuned to his movements. One omega who came to him had a horrible family history, and even he’d been able to relax sometimes and spend time safely in his own mind.

Janusz breathed through his rage at Christian and walked over when he was calm, wrapping a hand around Nate’s still-too-thin waist, and brought him close, not caring that Nate kept hold of the wet plate.

‘I’m not done,’ Nate said, his voice even, not even wet with his tears. That was something he’d learned because of Christian, and Janusz hated it.

‘I know, baby,’ Janusz said quietly. ‘You can leave them. That’s enough now. You know technically I wouldn’t normally let you do as much as you’ve done today, so you’re going to listen to me now, okay?’

Nate’s breath caught, already punishing himself for something Janusz would never punish him for. His hand tightened on Nate’s waist, and he bent down and kissed the top of his head, and Nate exhaled in shock.

‘Put the dish down and we’ll go for a walk,’ Janusz said. ‘Okay?’

‘Okay,’ Nate said, tentatively putting the plate down, like it would shatter as soon as it touched the counter.

‘That’s good,’ Janusz said warmly, and Nate shivered, but his body language didn’t change. He didn’t trust praise yet.

As Nate put on his shoes to go outside, Janusz thought about everything he’d read about emotional abuse over the last week and knew there’d be no such thing as a fast turnaround with Nate.

Still, Janusz preferred Nate in tears constantly over the version of Nate too afraid and locked up to even cry. It seemed more honest, and it felt like maybe it was a better starting point.

‘Do you want to bring your new notebook?’ Janusz asked. ‘You could do some writing.’

Nate looked down the corridor and his lips pressed together. His dark brown eyes were reddened, his eyelashes clumped. He seemed to be seriously considering it, but Janusz wasn’t surprised when Nate ultimately shook his head and turned away.

Janusz could never explain the dread he’d felt when he’d seen all those blank, torn up pages from the previous notebook crumpled up in the wastepaper basket. Somehow he’d known – he’d just known – that Nate was on the edge of letting himself go. That was how agonising Janusz had made this process for him.

Temsen’s voice in the back of his head reminding him they hadn’t known Nate had created a claim of his own on Christian, that the combination of mounting and making Nate say Janusz was his alpha was hurting him so severely.

Janusz had fucking known, and he’d said that to Temsen too. He had to live with the remorse of choosing to follow Hillview’s rulebook over his own damned instincts, and doing more damage to a boy who could barely handle the idea of making a mistake.

‘The beach today,’ Janusz said, as he opened and closed the front door.

There was shade overhead from the heavy cloud-cover, but Janusz didn’t think it was going to rain. He suspected Nate wouldn’t mind if it did.

‘You want to tell me why you were crying?’ Janusz said when they were halfway to the beach. Nate shoved his hands in his pockets. No, given the preference, Nate would probably never speak to another person ever again. ‘It’s all right. You’re not in trouble. Is it more of the same?’

Nate nodded.

‘It’s not bad to miss him,’ Janusz said, looking down at Nate. He was too tall to see his expression properly when they walked side by side. Especially when Nate was looking down.

‘He’d think it was bad,’ Nate said, his voice carrying a faint hint of something rebellious. Anger? God, Janusz would pay someone all the money out of his savings account to hear more of Nate’s anger.

It doesn’t matter what Christian thinks, because he doesn’t want you.

Janusz had to pick his moments carefully, because that was a blunt-force weapon, and Nate had been brutalised enough. Still, his alpha instincts were to smash all the remnants of Christian aside and step into the space left behind.

He’d spent nights planning how to murder Christian and get away with it before giving up, because it mostly involved a hit and run, which was stupid. Then he’d imagine it the following night, making Christian cry and beg for his life, killing him anyway.

Having to make himself talk about that to a peak alpha supervisor was its own brand of infuriating hell, especially because he had endless amounts of anger at Hillview. He’d idolised the place at first, especially when he saw how the methods could work, but when it failed, it failed spectacularly.

Dr Gary could talk as much as he wanted about how it was impossible to vet omegas properly because most alphas couldn’t know how open-minded the facility was before sending omegas there, but it was fucked up how they assigned omegas to alphas immediately, as soon as they were on the grounds. Why couldn’t Hillview do at least a few days of cursory vetting before assigning an omega to an alpha? Hell, they could fake-assign an alpha to make whoever was dropping the omega off feel better about their often-shitty decisions, and then spend a week monitoring and interviewing the omega.

But no, apparently it was more important to put a scared omega with an alpha as soon as possible, because scared and abandoned omegas reflexively sought a bond and Hillview wanted to take advantage of that fear.

Nate was paying the price for that, and so was Janusz.

‘I’m sorry,’ Nate said.

‘Why?’ Janusz said, and then wanted to swear at himself, because he’d been seething about Hillview and Christian. Nate would have picked that up in his scent because he always did.

‘I… Because I’m thinking about him,’ Nate said, like he was trying to figure out exactly where he’d gone wrong.

‘It’s not bad to think about him, it’s normal,’ Janusz said, modulating his voice, and hoped the ocean winds worked fast to blow away his pheromones.

Nate looked at him with the narrowed eyes of someone who severely doubted what Janusz was saying.

Janusz thought everything made so much sense now they knew Nate was an atypical omega. He really was. For him to have survived all of Christian’s abuse with this much wilfulness and suspicion around other alphas was incredible. Janusz knew Nate wouldn’t have permanently broken and become docile in a standard Omega Rehabilitation Facility; he would have killed himself.

The other omegas Janusz had been with all wanted to trust him. They all wanted him to help them, and they respected his decisions. Nate respected everything conditionally, with a foundation of suspicion behind it that Janusz had never encountered in an omega before. Even the omegas who took a long time to trust him still yearned to trust him.

The only way Nate could survive being less rebellious with Christian was that strange omega claim. But the level of dissonance he was living with must be agonising.

Janusz wondered if Christian knew Nate was atypical, and that was part of the appeal for him, breaking someone like that.

‘You gave a lot of your life, a lot of yourself, and a lot of your soul to Christian,’ Janusz said, feeling the man’s name like a piece of shit in his mouth. ‘Anything you’re feeling now, it might feel awful, but it’s not wrong to feel.’

Nate frowned as he considered Janusz, like someone who wanted to argue but was making himself not do it.

Argue with me, Janusz thought with a peculiar thrill. Please, just argue with me, baby. The water’s fine. It’s safe, I promise.

He’d seen signs of it, especially when Nate was lost in his heat haze and hadn’t been aware of what he’d been saying. He knew Nate had no actual love for him, and they hadn’t bonded, but he also knew there was potential. Janusz was rooting for him. He’d gone beyond wanting Nate to have a better life. He craved it now.

‘If…’ Nate looked away and folded his arms. He glowered at nothing, giving up on the sentence.

‘Oh no,’ Janusz said with a smile, ‘the rest of your sentence got stolen by some mysterious creature.’

Nate’s shoulders tensed further, and Janusz felt mean being playful like this, but sometimes Nate took everything too seriously, and Janusz was convinced that when the mood became too serious, Nate expected punishments.

‘Tell me what you were going to say,’ Janusz said.

Most omegas would speak, but Nate still took a good ten seconds, at which point they were crunching over the sands of the beach dunes.

‘If it’s not wrong to feel my feelings, then Christian would have kept me.’

Janusz nodded. ‘I know it seems like Christian invented emotions, or your emotions, but he didn’t. Your emotions aren’t wrong because emotions aren’t wrong for anyone.’

Nate drew in a sharp breath, then said nothing. But he sped up like he was trying to put distance between himself and Janusz. And Janusz smiled while Nate couldn’t see him because this was honest! He could work with honest!

This was so much better than Nate punishing himself and apologising and shutting down for thinking something different. He knew Nate would still do that several times a day for a long time – maybe even forever – but Nate taking small little angry steps away from him because he was mad? Janusz skipped forwards lightly, being extra annoying, because it was fun.

‘You must really want to see the beach today,’ Janusz said.

Nate said nothing.

‘Will you show me those pipis you found? Properly this time?’

Nate stilled, and Janusz had a careful hand out, steadying him, because he knew that was rude. But destabilisation meant Nate was paying attention to him, and Janusz knew how to handle that.

‘I want to see them the way you do,’ Janusz said quietly. ‘Will you explain it to me? Please?’

Nate’s expression went from closed and scared to pained. This was such an important and negative trigger of Nate’s downward spiral, and Janusz had intended for this moment to happen for days. It needed to be confronted. Because this could be repaired, and Nate didn’t know it yet. It was possible no one had ever taught him that was an option before.

‘Please, Nate,’ Janusz said softly, thumbing Nate’s side. ‘I can only know what I know. I was taught to see those little shells one way. I want to learn your way too.’

Brown eyes met his, searching, flicking back and forth like they could check Janusz was telling the truth. Janusz reached up and smeared some of the wetness away from the corner of one of his eyes. He felt dried crystals of salt that trailed to his ears, which meant he’d cried in his bedroom after showering, lying down on his bed. Janusz took a slow breath, managed his heavy exhale so it would be silent.

Nate was sleeping in his own room, even though Janusz knew he needed more comfort than he was getting. Balancing Nate needing space to process his grief and loss, alongside the urge to erase all traces of Christian through force and will alone, was unsteady and uneasy.

‘My way is stupid,’ Nate said finally.

‘You think nearly everything about you is stupid,’ Janusz said. ‘I know that, but I don’t feel that way, and you can’t convince me to feel that way.’

A faint bitter amusement flickered on Nate’s face before disappearing, and Janusz could almost hear the way he thought: Give it time.

Janusz wanted him to say it out loud, but that was the part he was happy to be patient with. Even today was progress, though it might not feel that way to Nate.

Janusz couldn’t wait for all those internal rules to fall apart. Couldn’t wait to replace them with gentler, humane rules, like learning that it was normal to eat when hungry, or sleep when tired.

‘Come on,’ Janusz said, gently nudging Nate forwards. ‘Show me.’

*

Janusz felt a bit like a kid again on the shoreline, watching as Nate dug for the pipis. Nate was reluctant at first but feeling the texture of the sand against his fingers seemed to help, and Janusz wondered if more outdoor wanderings with chances to experience different textures would help bring him out of his locked-in body more. He could talk to Temsen about it, once Temsen sank lower on his shit-list.

Thankfully, Temsen was patient with him, instead of forbidding Janusz’ anger, which he’d be within his right to do as a peak alpha.

Nate found the first pipi after a bit of digging, then cradled it carefully in his palm, fingers curled up, shielded it from Janusz.

‘Can I hold it?’ Janusz said.

‘You can’t throw it away,’ Nate said.

Janusz wanted to hug him so much, Nate was being bold enough to tell him what he could or couldn’t do. This would have been impossible before the repudiation. Impossible.

‘I promise,’ Janusz said.

He held out his hand, and Nate stared at his palm for a long time, then dropped the creature into it. The little mollusc was quiet, withdrawn into its pale pink symmetrical shells, and Janusz considered it, then looked at Nate.

‘Tell me what you like about them.’

‘This is stupid.’

‘That’s not what I asked, baby,’ Janusz chided.

Nate’s face creased in discomfort, and he stared down at the hole in the sand he’d made. He stuck one of his hands into it, feeling around for more. Janusz hoped there weren’t any crabs waiting in there to pinch his delicate fingers.

‘The colour, I guess,’ Nate said. ‘They’re all different. And it’s… It’s perfectly symmetrical and pretty.’

Janusz gently turned the shell in his fingers. The pale pink was a delicate shade – he’d seen nothing like that on a car before, not even the ones that had decals – and it felt extremely smooth to the touch, almost like a pearl. It was wild to think that a creature lived in there all the time.

‘Be pretty cool to be a mollusc having this as a house,’ Janusz said. ‘It’s like living in jewellery.’

Janusz smiled at Nate, who looked surprised.

‘Yeah,’ he said finally.

‘Is there a word for this shade of pink?’ Janusz said. ‘I don’t know much about colours, unless they’re on cars.’

Nate stared at Janusz for a long time, then considered the shell.

‘I’m not an artist,’ he said. ‘I don’t know the exact name of the colour. But if I was describing it…’

Janusz’ skin prickled with excitement. He had to stop himself from leaning forwards, crowding into Nate’s space so he could steal this moment and keep it safe for the both of them.

‘I…’ Nate shifted slightly, coming closer to look at the shell. ‘I guess it’s maybe like…early dawn in autumn. When the colours aren’t as intense or neon, and the sun is about to break over the hills, and you see that pinkish colour sometimes. Maybe. I-’

His eyes flicked up, and Janusz hated every single moment that Nate felt like he was in danger, like it was a trap, like something awful was about to happen. Nate’s expression shifted in a way that made Janusz wonder how intensely sadistic Christian was, that this was what he must have been constantly wanting from the omega, this level of fear and wariness – and even then, it wasn’t enough for that ass. Christian wanted Nate on the back foot, wanted him hating his own thoughts, doubting the things he said.

‘That’s so pretty,’ Janusz said, before Nate said it was stupid. ‘Yeah, I can see it. I remember getting up early sometimes to work on my car – not your idea of fun, I know – and I’d go out excited to be out with the lads for the day. And yeah, summer sometimes has those bright mornings, doesn’t it? But there’s a gentleness about late autumn and early spring. I love that so much. I’d never have known how to describe something like this. I’d just call it pink.’

Janusz laughed at himself because the shell really looked better with Nate’s description.

He handed the shell back. Nate’s hand was trembling as he took it, covered in little bits of pale sand, and he was looking away.

Janusz wondered if he’d be able to smell Nate’s tears if the ocean weren’t so close.

‘You okay, sweetheart?’

Nate nodded, fingers curling gingerly around the pipi before he carefully lowered it back to the wet sand. Janusz realised how dismissive it must have seemed, when he’d tossed them all back to the sand weeks ago, because before he’d met Nate they really had just been …bait, in his mind. He felt awful, thinking of how crushing that moment must have been for Nate.

‘Can you tell me what you’re thinking?’ Janusz said.

He could have made it a command. It would have been natural to do, but Nate had been driven so hard by Christian that it was amazing there was any personality left. Nate had given him a gift and the least Janusz could do was give him some grace in return.

‘It’s just…’ Nate said, his voice strained, ‘I didn’t know.’

‘Didn’t know?’

‘I didn’t know a person could…listen like that. An- An alpha, I mean.’

‘Sure!’ Janusz said, sitting down properly on the sand and crossing his legs, because upbeat felt better than making Nate’s hope so serious it was hard for him to see the lighter side of it. ‘Lots of us can. You can practice with me, okay? Do you want to find another one for me? Or do you want to watch the waves for a while?’

Nate stared down at the hole in front of him, and Janusz felt cruel for asking so many questions close together. Almost all omegas experienced decision fatigue, because even healthy ones were happiest when they were doing what their alpha wanted, especially if those wants were synchronised. But Nate needed practice learning how to be his own person again, and he was doing so well already. A crash would probably come later. Hell, he might even spend the rest of the day crying.

‘Can… May I please sit here for a bit?’ Nate said, so hesitant it was painful.

‘Absolutely. We’ve got good cloud cover today, so it’s a nice day for it. Maybe in the future, we can come out at dusk and find a shell that matches the sky. That’d be so cool if we found one.’

He felt Nate’s eyes on him and turned his head from the horizon, and smiled at the omega entrusted into his care. He turned back before Nate’s expression could change, taking the pressure off. Nate responded to eye contact like being grabbed and shaken, sometimes.

‘Yeah,’ Nate whispered. ‘I… Maybe.’

Janusz smiled at the waves crashing on the shore.

Yeah, no matter what, today had been a huge, huge win.

Chapter Text

Janusz

*

‘I hate the way it shook out,’ Janusz said to Temsen, sitting back in the armchair and looking at the humming air filter that kept the space clean of the pheromones made by the alphas that sat in this chair before him. ‘It’s not good enough. Like, sure, he’s been doing better since the repudiation. But the word “better” is doing a ton of heavy lifting here!’

Temsen nodded but didn’t say a word. Janusz had to admit Temsen’s supervision style suited him. He much preferred Temsen-as-supervisor over Temsen-as-doctor. The supervision sessions helped Temsen fall lower on his shit list.

‘He is doing better, though,’ Janusz said quietly. ‘He’s like none of the other omegas I’ve spent time with before. I’ve looked through the articles and papers you’ve sent on atypical omegas, and some of the jargon is too intense for me, but yeah, he matches what I understand to a tee. It kills me, actually, that you all didn’t clock this beforehand. The system needs to change. And I know you’re going to say you’re here as a supervisor and not a formal representative of the Hillview system, but it needs to change.’

Temsen nodded again, his expression faintly concerned, open. Janusz didn’t know how he did that. Janusz was low-key trying to bait him into a fight to exorcise some of his rage against the situation, against Christian, against his own powerlessness. Temsen let the bait slide right off him.

Temsen-the-doctor would never. Well, almost never.

‘Instead of quitting and walking away, I need access to better resources for him. I just don’t know what they are yet,’ Janusz said.

‘Mm. What makes you think you need access to better resources?’

‘He really can’t see Bennett yet?’

‘Not yet,’ Temsen said, grimacing. ‘I know that’s not ideal. But we have his recent survey results, and all indicators suggest he will be shut down around a therapist. I think what’s really going on here, Janusz, is your own insecurity because this is taking longer than you’re used to, and that you’re – this is just a suggestion – concerned you’re failing him somehow.’

‘I’ve failed him plenty already.’

‘There have been significant mistakes along the way made by all of us,’ Temsen said, his voice modulated and firm. ‘It’s easy to focus on them, and I understand the temptation. But, though you’ve said “better” is doing a lot of heavy lifting, it’s still an improvement. With an atypical omega, that is significant. Let me remind you he’s emoting more around you, more freely. He’s becoming more transparent, and it is better that his upset is visible instead of severely repressed. In the beginning, the only emotion Nate ever expressed was fear. And that wasn’t a choice.’

‘Yeah, because otherwise he’d be choosing to cry every day.’

Temsen was silent and nodded. Janusz’ head tipped forwards as his hands clenched on the armrests.

‘Goddamn it. It’s not a conscious choice, but it’s still one he’s making somehow, right? Because we had his earlier behaviour. Locked in, repressed, so fucking terrified.’

‘Is he still as terrified?’

‘It’s not the same,’ Janusz said, hating how relieved he felt given how much Nate still suffered every day, every hour. ‘Given everything he experienced with Christian, he second guesses everything he does and assumes he’s failing all the time. But it’s different from before. I haven’t pointed it out to him yet because he’s still processing the repudiation. I think he’d see it as a sign of how flawed he is. I don’t know. He’s hard to get honest answers from, and I don’t think persuasion is the answer every time there.’

‘I think you’ve more than proven it’s not,’ Temsen said easily, like he wasn’t the one to reprimand Janusz in the first place for not using it more.

‘I haven’t been able to mount him again,’ Janusz said, his throat dry.

‘Of course.’

‘You don’t know what it was like,’ Janusz said. He’d said these words before, he’d say them again, no doubt. After so long dealing with the post trauma of the omegas he spent time with, dealing with his own post trauma was such a pain in the ass. He wanted to laugh about it some days, how predictable it all was. But waking from nightmares of Nate shaking and screaming and crying underneath him made him feel way more like a rapist than actually fucking an omega through their heat ever had.

It was like he knew, now, exactly what it would look like. He knew because he’d done that to someone.

More than once.

He still felt viscerally nauseated, not least because there was some dark part of him that still felt thwarted that he’d never truly triumphed over Nate. A repulsive alpha instinct to pull him into line, possess him utterly.

That was the sort of thing he was supposed to talk about here.

‘Makes me ashamed to be an alpha,’ Janusz said finally, heavily. ‘What we do. What we are.’

Temsen’s expression creased with pained acknowledgement, and Janusz huffed and stared out of the window.

‘I’ve read the research,’ Janusz said roughly. ‘I know omegas crave a level of being controlled, and we crave controlling them. I mean, at least in the most generalised sense. It can and should be healthy. It just so rarely fucking is.’

‘Every omega before Nate has been a resounding success story for you,’ Temsen said quietly. ‘You’re not the monster you think you are, Janusz, even if you’ve had a glimpse of it now. Those alphas you’re afraid of becoming, they don’t feel the way you feel right now. They rarely feel ashamed – if they ever do – and they don’t develop post-traumatic responses because of it. I know it doesn’t disavow or excuse what you did, nothing will. Have you thought about talking to Nate about some of this?’

‘He’ll only blame himself.’

‘Well, yes, perhaps you’ll both see the irony then.’

Janusz stared at Temsen and then laughed. Temsen’s smile was small, a little satisfied.

‘He’ll tell me I couldn’t help it,’ Janusz said, looking past Temsen and thinking it over. ‘He’ll want to help.’

‘Why don’t you try letting him?’

Janusz opened his mouth and then closed it. This was something they’d talked about before, but now he gave it real consideration.

‘You know,’ Janusz said slowly, ‘the thing I’m sensing about Nate is he doesn’t have as much of an urge to serve as he thinks he does. Even less than the other omegas I’ve been with. He has an instinct to make things non-violent and non-threatening towards him, but outside of that, I think where I see that atypicality the most is that deep down…maybe he doesn’t want to help. Or he does, but not in ways he thinks omegas should. I want him to lean into that selfishness. I want to see what happens if he lets himself go there. So asking him for help seems incompatible with that.’

‘I didn’t say ask him,’ Temsen said. ‘I said why not try letting him? You can intervene as often as you like, but why not open that door? Why not give him some more control? I’m not trying to antagonise at your alpha here, I’m saying…you’re struggling, he’s struggling, you feel powerless, I’m certain he does too. Treat it as an experiment.’

Janusz didn’t want to be an experiment, but everything they did at Hillview was experimental. It was a rehabilitation facility where they didn’t rape omegas to break their minds. Everything they tried was new or based on very tentative – and sometimes completely theoretical – research.

‘Can I take him somewhere?’ Janusz asked abruptly. ‘Like, on a drive or something? I know it’s soon.’

‘He might run.’

‘Nate?’ Janusz said, laughing. He realised Temsen was serious.

‘He is atypical. It happens,’ Temsen said.

‘Not Nate,’ Janusz said. ‘Not from me.’

‘Oh?’

Janusz realised things had changed. They’d improved. Nate would never run from him and somehow he knew that. Nate could avoid him, and he had ways of making it clear when he wanted his space, and even that…

Would he ever have risked making it clear he wanted space around Christian?

‘Oh shit,’ Janusz said, faintly wondering, ‘he’s improved a ton, actually.’

‘He has,’ Temsen said.

‘It’s going to take a long time, isn’t it? For him to deal with all that trauma he’s been through?’

‘The rest of his life,’ Temsen said, his smile wry. ‘This would have been shockingly confrontational, even without any of the things we’ve done to him. It would have been horrendous either way, I’m sorry to say. It might be time for you to reach out to some of the other alphas on-site who have some personal experience with this. Mm. Anton, possibly? And certainly Kadek.’

‘Right,’ Janusz said. ‘Yeah. I can see that.’

‘You can’t take him out for a drive yet,’ Temsen said, like he genuinely regretted it. ‘But I’ll talk to Gary, and perhaps pending another interview with Nate, we can bring that forward for you both.’

‘Yeah? I mean, the first drive, we wouldn’t even have to get out of the car. It could be a cruise, hey.’

‘That’s right,’ Temsen said, the skin around his eyes crinkling with his smile. ‘I always forget that you enjoy driving for the sake of it.’

‘Yeah, we can’t all run like you, Temsen.’

Temsen’s laugh was bright and saturated with warmth. ‘Yes, you can, Janusz. You’re about the only one here who can run like me.’

‘Prefer driving, though,’ Janusz said, grinning.

At the end of the session, twenty minutes later, Janusz felt lighter than he had in some time. Lighter, more hopeful, reminded that progress didn’t have to look like happiness to be progress.

*

When he got back to the cottage, he opened the door and heard a book snapping shut down the corridor. He blinked a few times, and then walked towards the sound, reaching the doorway of Nate’s bedroom and seeing the way he clutched the new notebook with white-knuckled fingers, eyes huge and terrified.

‘Hey,’ Janusz said quietly. ‘Just got back from my supervision session. Were you writing?’

Nate seemed frozen for a second, and then his shoulders unlocked slightly. His knuckles flushed red as blood flowed back through his fingers.

‘Uh,’ Nate managed. He looked down at the book like it had an answer for him.

‘I hope you were,’ Janusz said.

Nate swallowed, lowering the notebook slightly. It had a thick hardback cover. Janusz wanted to get him something special to write in, even if Nate tore out all the pages again. But he wasn’t tearing out the pages this time. There was a pen next to him on the bed – even though he had a desk he could write at.

‘Can I come in?’ Janusz said.

Nate nodded automatically. Janusz was dying for the day when Nate shook his head. But for now, he’d take it as permission, and entered. He sat down on the edge of the bed, looking around the room.

Nate’s scent was milder today. Less like a storm, more like light rain. It was sweetish. Perhaps he’d been more relaxed today.

‘Do you want some more pens?’ Janusz said. ‘I can find some good stationery sites, and you can pick some more out.’

‘Oh, I…’ Nate’s cheeks flushed.

Oh, fuck it, Temsen’s right. He’s improved a ton.

‘Everyone likes getting new pens, right?’ Janusz said.

Nate finally put the book down, tucking it behind him like he was afraid Janusz was going to grab it and immediately start reading it. In that moment, Janusz was certain Christian had done exactly that.

‘Hey,’ Janusz said, because this time he had to acknowledge it aloud, ‘I’m never going to read anything you write without your permission.’

Nate stared at him like he wasn’t sure that could be true.

‘I know I found those torn up pieces of paper in the bin that time,’ Janusz said. ‘And in a way, that violated your privacy, even though I was cleaning up. I’m sorry that I found them and didn’t come to you straight away. I was so scared.’

Is this what you meant, Temsen? About opening up more?

‘But no matter how scared I am now, sweetheart, if you’re writing, I’m going to leave it alone unless you explicitly tell me out loud that I can read something, and even then, I’m only going to read what you show me. Okay?’

‘You can see it,’ Nate said, putting his fingers on the book like he was going to hand it over. Even so, he didn’t hand it over. His words said one thing, but his actions were protective.

‘That’s nice of you to say,’ Janusz said. ‘But what if I didn’t? That’s okay too. I only want to see it if you want me to. Do you want me to?’

Nate said nothing for a long time. It was all progress. Even though it still hurt to see Nate so reluctant to be honest with him, likely imagining all the ways Janusz could punish him for that honesty. All the ways Christian had punished him in the past.

Please, baby. Please, be honest with me.

‘Maybe…’ Nate said, his voice scratchy, like his throat was tight. ‘Maybe…not today?’

Janusz could’ve bounced on the bed. He was so happy to hear Nate saying something real.

‘Awesome,’ Janusz said. ‘Thanks for telling me that. I appreciate it, hey.’

Nate looked exhausted, and scared, and uncertain, and maybe even a little relieved. These moments for him were so tiring. Janusz was fairly certain Nate would make up for it by slipping into brainwashed servitude, the coping mechanism he relied on outside of avoidance.

‘And you?’ Nate said, hopefully. ‘Can I do anything for you?’

There it was.

Janusz thought about what Temsen had said to him about opening up more, about letting Nate help him sometimes. He’d let Nate do a little more around the house, because Nate seemed to need things to do, and because letting him stay trapped in his own mind with minimal activity wasn’t good for him. But actually opening up? Letting Nate in a bit more?

‘Supervision was kind of rough today,’ Janusz said, watching Nate closely for his reaction.

Nate stared at him for a long time, and then, like a part of his brain was kicking in, he said: ‘It was? Because of me?’

‘Definitely not, sweetheart. And yeah. Not bad, just rough. Like…when you know something’s good for you, but it’s still hard.’

‘Oh,’ Nate said. ‘Do you have to do it?’

‘Kind of. I mean, yeah, it’s part of the agreement of being here as an alpha companion. It does actually help.’

‘Sometimes things that are…hard, can be good for you,’ Nate said, like he was feeling his way around the concept. ‘Christian- Um.’

Janusz pushed further onto the bed so he could rest his back against the wall. He wondered what Nate had been about to say.

Probably something about how Christian had done lots of hard things to him, ultimately to make him be a good omega. 

Yeah, that was so not what Janusz was going for here.

Janusz smiled and stared at the ceiling, as non-confrontational as possible.

‘I talked to Temsen about how I haven’t mounted you since the last time.’

‘You can!’ Nate said quickly. ‘You can! Did you tell him I was making you not mount me?’

‘Nate, sweetheart,’ Janusz chided. ‘Why would I tell him something like that?’

‘Uh. Just- Well…’

‘I talked to Temsen about how I haven’t mounted you since last time, because I felt like a monster, because I was monstrous to you, baby. That’s why. I know you’re going to shake your head and tell me it wasn’t so bad, but it’s never supposed to feel like that for you, for me. Even when it’s hard, it’s never that hard.’

‘But you didn’t know about the weird claim I made,’ Nate said, his voice lower. ‘You didn’t know mounting and asking me to…to say those things would make me react like that. How could you have known?’

‘I learned the first time,’ Janusz said. ‘I can’t believe I did it a second time.’

‘But you said… You said the protocol says you have to, right?’

‘Hm? When did I say that, sweetheart?’

‘When I was in the medical rooms,’ Nate said, looking away, caught out. ‘When you were telling Temsen off. And also later, when you said, “fuck the protocol.” You said, “The processes failed both Nate and me from the beginning.” That includes the mounting, doesn’t it?’

Janusz stared at him, and Nate’s cheeks turned pink. He looked down.

‘You remember all of that?’

Of course he did. He was a long-term victim of emotional abuse. He pretended to be stupider than he was, and he likely remembered almost every conversation as verbatim as possible, going over the details, trying to understand where he’d failed. But knowing that was different to being on the receiving end of Nate’s memory, as he pulled forward the exact phrasing as though it was easy.

‘Wow, you’re super smart!’ Janusz said, crossing his legs on the bed. ‘I can’t remember anything like that. Yeah, Nate, that’s… That is actually what I was referring to. Actually, I was referring to lots of things.’

‘More than the mounting?’ Nate said.

‘Um. It was wrong to assign you to me immediately – though you were in heat, so I…don’t know. That one’s tough. I don’t think I should’ve mounted you twice and I think there should be screening for atypical omegas in place at Hillview. Better screening. The repudiation with Christian was fucking brutal, and while Temsen managed it okay, it could’ve killed you. I think you should’ve been supported with premeds, personally, but maybe Temsen thought the repudiation wouldn’t have worked properly with them. You going to tell me I’m too nice of an alpha now?’

Nate bit his bottom lip. ‘Do I say it too much?’

Janusz realised his own tone had been a little belligerent, and rolled it back, because he knew exactly what was happening there.

‘Sorry, Nate. I think I take it personally when you say that. It’s silly, because being nice isn’t a bad thing to be. But hearing you say it when I feel like a monster… It’s sometimes hard. I know you don’t mean it as a compliment. You have an idea of what an alpha should be, and I know I don’t match up to that.’

I know you’d never choose me in a million years.

Janusz mentally filed that away as yet another thing to talk to Temsen about in their next session.

‘I don’t know how I mean it sometimes,’ Nate said, and Janusz’ interest swung right back towards the omega next to him, because this felt honest. Nate had a way of talking sometimes, and Janusz knew it meant he’d cracked through to something real. ‘In the beginning, it made me angry because it meant I wouldn’t be fixed fast enough, and all I wanted to do was go… go home. Everyone here seems to want to be nice. I didn’t realise you wouldn’t take it as a compliment. Or maybe I did. I can be mean.’

‘Everyone can be mean.’

‘I don’t know who to be anymore,’ Nate said, staring at the bed, perhaps not in the room at all. ‘I hate that so much. But maybe it’s not the worst thing ever, to stay with someone…nice, while I don’t know who to be. Even if you don’t think you’re nice.’

Janusz’ smile was small, a bit of a grimace, but there all the same. ‘Nah, I can be pretty nice. But I was mean, too.’

‘I didn’t hate it the very first time,’ Nate said, his voice small. ‘The first time you mounted me. It was like- It was like something new.’

‘Yeah?’

‘It was…’ Nate swallowed audibly. ‘It was almost like when my parents used to do it, but different. Like a… Like looking up at the night sky somehow, and feeling it press down on you. That’s such a stupid fucking analogy. God.’

Janusz stared at Nate, fascinated. Was that the first time Nate had spoken like that around him? Ever? It was hugely self-critical, but wouldn’t a poet be like that?

‘It sounded like a huge compliment to me,’ Janusz said.

Nate looked at him, and Janusz felt like he was seeing him properly for the first time. He couldn’t describe it, but a curtain was blown aside, and he saw the razor-sharp intelligence in Nate’s dark brown eyes, he saw the edges Christian had tried to shatter off him, he saw a critical mind trying to find words to capture impossible sensations and experiences.

‘Could you handle it again one day?’ Janusz asked helplessly. ‘The night sky pressing down on you like that?’

Nate winced, but then he looked aside and eventually nodded. Not like someone eager to please, but like someone who was actually giving a considered opinion.

‘It was so weirdly nostalgic,’ Nate said, and Janusz wanted to hold him tightly, wanted to wrap him up in a nest and comfort him. Nate had no idea how sad he sounded sometimes.

‘We’ll have to drag it back into the present again,’ Janusz said. ‘But for now, I’m craving some chicken pasta.’

‘I can make it,’ Nate said mechanically, the words falling out of his mouth reflexively. He frowned after saying them.

‘Yeah, but there’s literally people on-site who will do that for us and get paid to do it,’ Janusz said.

Nate looked cautiously at Janusz and then looked down at the notebook he’d placed beside him. Janusz wondered if he’d been writing poetry, or prose, or journalling, or maybe even scribbling or doodling. He wondered how long he’d have to wait before mounting Nate again.

Soon. He’d do it again soon.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

Sometimes, Nate thought calling the stretch of shoreline that bordered Hillview “the beach” fit it well. A beach felt like a tourist attraction, and that was its ambience most of the time, even though there were no tourists. Today though, with the heavy anvils of cumulonimbus in the sky, the strange, oppressive humidity that made the day sticky, and the stark shadows being cast in the odd shafts of sunlight spearing through, he thought it was perhaps the sea, or just the Indian Ocean.

Janusz ran so far in the distance that Nate could hardly see him anymore. He was a wild thing, a speck of a stranger who only became familiar once he got closer again.

He’d grown fond of these beach-sea-Indian Ocean visits. He’d learned it was okay to sit on the shoreline in the shade of the frayed tarp above his head and drag his fingers through the sand. He enjoyed walking down to the waves sometimes, letting his toes wiggle at the foam of the breaking waves. He felt ancient by turns, and then like a child again.

Occasionally, in the distance, he saw other alphas and omegas from Hillview. Some sat on the sand and leaned into each other and talked. Others split up and did what they wanted. No one came to bother him. He learned it was protocol for different couples to stay apart until an omega expressed an interest in wanting to meet other omegas. He was left alone, and he felt no urge to go over. Other omegas had always intimidated him. Coming from a beta family left him with almost no skills when interacting with omegas, and everything on TV often showed them being jealous of each other before words were ever exchanged.

He even felt distantly jealous of Kaden. Since the repudiation, he felt mostly numb about his dead relationship with Christian, about Kaden – the new, breathy lover – about how quickly Christian had moved on.

When Janusz returned, out of breath, gleaming with sweat, Nate stood and stretched, wondering when the storm would move over them, or if it was just moving parallel to them, raining into the sea.

‘It’s so muggy!’ Janusz said. ‘Feel how sticky I am.’

He held out his arm, and Nate stared in distaste. He raised his hand because Janusz had given him an order, then hesitated and met his bright grey eyes.

What would Janusz say? He’d want Nate to be honest. To be…honest. Even if the words weren’t always pleasing.

It was so hard.

This was so hard.

Nate couldn’t do it most of the time. Some days he couldn’t do it at all.

But the sea made it easier, somehow. It was so effortlessly itself. The sea didn’t pretend to be anything else, even if it was chameleon-like, heavy then bright, sweet then oppressive.

‘It’s gross,’ Nate said, and waited for whatever punishment Janusz would mete out.

‘Fuck, it’s so gross!’ Janusz exclaimed, dropping his arm. ‘I need a shower like yesterday. Come on, let’s head back. Do you have any thoughts on what you’d like to do today?’

Nate felt out of breath, a bit nauseated the way he always did when he waited for a punishment that didn’t come. It took a few seconds for him to follow Janusz back to the cottage. He shook his head to clear it and pressed fingers to his chest. Janusz was fine. Janusz was fine with it. Wasn’t he? He wasn’t saving the anger up, was he?

‘No,’ Nate said.

‘Great, because I do. I was thinking we could go for a drive today, yeah? I got approval! What do you think?’

‘Whatever you want,’ Nate said.

Janusz smiled over at him in that way that was simultaneously warm and sceptical. Nate tensed. Sometimes Janusz used alpha persuasion to check if he really meant what he was saying. He didn’t do it every day, but sometimes he did it a few times at once. The persuasion itself was relaxing, there was a perfect moment where he realised his alpha made him do something, and Nate had done exactly what was demanded, because what else could he do during a persuasion except be persuaded? But when his mind came back, he always waited for the punishment.

Janusz never punished him for honesty.

Did that just mean it would be a really big punishment? It would definitely be worse if Nate wasn’t expecting it.

But Janusz didn’t use alpha persuasion, and Nate caught his breath properly only when they got back to the cottage and Janusz was in his shower, and Nate was sitting on his own bed, in his own room, hands opening and closing, foot tapping on the ground as he frittered away his nervous energy.

A drive. A drive. What did that mean? Was Janusz going to hoon around dangerously? Were they going somewhere?

Nate kind of wanted to get out of Hillview for a while. He didn’t want to say anything that would make that chance go away.

He opened his notebook while Janusz was still in the shower and reached for the pen with the brown ink. He’d acquired five pens now, and this was his favourite.

The sea on a pre-stormy day.
He smells of sweat and salt, berries and motor oil.
I wonder what motor oil would taste like because of him.
A drive.
Waiting for punishments.
Storms.
Gilded silver on waves trembling beneath heavy gunmetal clouds, fish delighting in the deep sea.

That last line wasn’t terrible, and the rest was more like a journal entry. This was how it was, and Nate let it go, because that’s what he’d been taught. Let it flow and let the gems come up and steal them for fully formed poems one day. Did fish delight during storms? It was nice to imagine they did. Maybe before the lightning struck, they enjoyed it. He should look it up.

Nate stared at the motor oil comments and closed the journal with a snap. Any thoughts along those lines scared the shit out of him. His tongue worked in his mouth, and he wondered if motor oil tasted earthy.

It probably didn’t.

*

Janusz took Nate to a garage where most of the alphas and other staff kept their cars in bays reserved for them. The car Janusz showed him was bright blue, with a spoiler at the back, and some vents and things Nate didn’t understand the function of.

‘I wanted to get a Mitsu Evo so badly,’ Janusz said, tenderly running a hand along the bonnet, ‘but they’re not as comfortable for long distance driving. So I got this Subaru WRX STi instead. And she’s been a beaut, that’s for sure. I can use her on the track if I want. She can handle some thrashing. She’s been great, aaaand you have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?’

‘It’s blue,’ Nate said.

Janusz laughed, the sound so warm, so friendly, not mocking at all. Nate’s cheeks felt hot, he looked away.

‘What…does STi stand for?’ Nate asked.

‘Subaru Tecnica international! It’s the name of their motorsport research division or something. Basically, the branch that specialises in preparing cars for World Rally events. Come on, let’s get out of here! I have the fob that lets us out and everything.’

‘You don’t have it all the time?’

‘Nope, we need to sign out and write out some paperwork and stuff, it’s a gated community for all of us except some of the staff.’

Janusz opened the door for him, and Nate slid into the passenger seat, surprised at how nice the interior was. It was an older car, but it looked cared for. He put his seatbelt on obediently. Janusz closed the door, then got into the driver’s side.

‘It’s going to be a drive, so no actual destination in mind. You can ask to stop somewhere and we will, otherwise I’ll find us somewhere to eat lunch. How does that sound?’

Nate nodded, fingers locking tensely together.

‘If you need to come back here, just let me know, okay?’

You know I won’t, Nate thought, but he nodded again.

Janusz drove slowly but confidently out of the grounds, and within minutes, they were on the main road. Instead of heading up Caves Road towards Dunsborough or Perth, they headed south to less populated areas. Janusz turned on some music, but the volume was low. It wasn’t bad or overwhelming, something electronic with a guy singing over it, a driving beat that suited the speed they’d already reached.

At one point they passed a speed sign which let them know it was 80 kilometres per hour. Nate’s eyes flicked sidelong to the speedometer. Janusz was doing 82.

He’d expected him to be doing 100 or 120. Nate frowned, then decided that judging Janusz for how fast he was or wasn’t driving was unfair.

He stared outside instead and quickly became absorbed by the landscape. Forests, then bushland, then little farms with horses and small orchards, then signs saying they were moving through South Blackwood National Forest and jarrah, banksia and marri trees growing all around them. Other signs warned of kangaroos, echidna, lizards, ducks, and other animals crossing, even owls flying low on the roads.

The last time Nate went on a long drive, Christian dropped him off at Hillview. Nate had tried not to cry or have a panic attack the whole way down, even as he felt his body going into heat, and he’d been feverish and dazed and miserable. Now he felt like he had the space to look at everything.

The world was green and cool. The day felt still and anticipatory, like nothing could move forward until the storm came.

‘Will it rain?’ Nate asked.

‘I don’t know,’ Janusz said. ‘Weather folks say there’s a fifty percent chance, which means whatever’s hanging out off the coast might come in or might not. Depends on what the wind does. Are you worried?’

‘No,’ Nate said. ‘I… I like storms.’

‘Yeah?’ Janusz said, turning to look at him with interest. Nate didn’t know what to do with it. He had spent so long avoiding being seen by anyone. It had always been such a terrible thing with Christian. Surely being seen meant Janusz realising how awful he was?

Nate nodded and fell silent.

‘Me too,’ Janusz said. ‘I used to be terrified of them as a kid, but somewhere along the way, they became exciting. Like the weather’s providing a free adrenaline rush.’

Janusz turned onto a new road and suddenly they were driving much faster. The speed sign said 110, and Janusz stayed close to the speed limit.

‘I thought you’d speed,’ Nate said. Then placed a hand over his mouth. ‘Shit. Sorry.’

‘I do speed sometimes. But these days, if I need to get some of that out of my system, I’ll duck down to the track. Like, there’s race tracks all around the state and open days for people to take their cars. It’s not just for professional drivers.’

Nate paid attention as Janusz talked about that side of things while staring out the window again, feeling like it had been a while since he’d seen so many new things in the same day.

Christian took him out in the beginning of their relationship, but that had quickly stopped. When Nate sometimes asked to go out with Christian, he said he had to wait until Nate was worth going out with. His parents took him to the shops sometimes, and to friend’s places, but going on a drive like this just to enjoy the scenery seemed like something his dad would do, or maybe Uncle Corbyn.

Despite wanting to stay alert, Nate relaxed, sinking back into the car seat, stretching his legs out, resting his head against the headrest.

An hour later, as the forest and bushland turned into taller karri and tingle trees – according to Janusz – they pulled off the highway and went down narrow forest dense side roads until they ended up turning into some kind of tourist location and followed the signs to a restaurant. Not a café, but a restaurant.

Nate stiffened in alarm.

‘I’m not dressed for a restaurant,’ he said. ‘We’re not going to one, are we?’

‘We sure are,’ Janusz said. ‘Also, hardly anyone who comes here dresses up unless they want to. We’re in the middle of nowhere. Most people who end up here have ended up here after long drives, looking for somewhere to eat. The folks in the fanciest clothes are staying in one of the chalets or want to be dressed up. As long as we’re not wearing thongs or wife-beaters, we’ll be fine.’

Nate didn’t feel reassured when he saw how nice the restaurant looked. It was literally built over a large lake, surrounded by tall trees on every side. The building was made of a reddish-coloured wood, and it had floor-to-ceiling windows all around the lakeside, so the people eating could look out over the lake. The whole place looked sophisticated. Not like a five-star restaurant, but definitely like a place Nate wasn’t allowed to go to.

He got out of the car slowly, and Janusz came around to his side, standing in front of him.

‘What’s going on, Nate?’

Nate picked at the collar of his black T-shirt. ‘I don’t think I’m…good enough to go somewhere like this.’

Janusz nodded seriously and leaned against his car instead of dragging Nate inside. ‘When was the last time you went out to eat?’

‘Uh. Maybe…I think two or three times with Christian. We went to really nice places.’

‘Was that in the beginning?’

‘He was upset with me every time we went,’ Nate said, his voice hoarse. ‘I was- I embarrassed him.’

‘How?’

‘I don’t…remember.’ Maybe Nate should be able to remember, but he couldn’t. He rarely knew he was doing something wrong in those early days until Christian pointed it out, and sometimes Christian changed his mind on the things he liked or didn’t like, so it was hard to know when he was failing.

‘Cool, I see. Okay, well, did you ever go out with your parents? Did they ever take you out to eat sometimes? You got those chicken rolls with your dad, right? Anything else?’

‘Yeah,’ Nate said, his mouth dry. ‘Yeah, sometimes we went to a café on the weekend for breakfast.’

‘That’s good. And did you get in trouble then?’

Nate shook his head, wondering what Janusz was getting at.

‘Did you hate it?’ Janusz asked.

Nate looked back at the restaurant. ‘I didn’t. But it was a café, and…’

‘I’m going to let you in on a secret,’ Janusz said. ‘All the staff care about in there is getting paid, and ideally having a good day with customers who don’t abuse them. They all have their own things they’re concerned about, the things they worry about, and it’s not going to ruin anyone’s day if you come with me and sit in there, and we order and eat and pay for our food, and then leave. We can pick a table that’s out of the way, and if you want, I can order for you.’

‘Would you?’ Nate said, grasping the collar of his own shirt. He hated how relieved he felt.

‘Sure,’ Janusz said, and smiled gently, reaching out to untangle Nate’s tense fingers from the fabric, holding onto his hands. ‘Unless you have any strong feelings, I’ll decide for you today. We’re also going in there. I know you’re nervous, and I know you’re worried you’re going to get it wrong, but you can’t fail at this. The worst that can happen is that you panic, or freak out, and then that’s my mistake for taking you in there.’

‘But-’

‘I’m talking as your alpha now, Nate. Even if I’m just a temporary one. I know you have some instincts to argue, and they’re not bad instincts at all, but right now you’re arguing in favour of your fear. I see your fear, so we’re going to take it easy. But we’re going in there.’

Nate swallowed, his fingers clenching on Janusz’ hands reflexively. And Janusz came closer, his movements careful. Janusz hadn’t even mounted him since Nate had said he could.

Janusz’ other hand came and rested low on Nate’s hips.

‘Take some slow, deep breaths, okay?’

At the persuasion, Nate obeyed without thinking. He felt how tight his lungs were, realised how shallow his breathing must have been.

‘That’s it, good boy,’ Janusz said. ‘See? Let me help you.’

Nate went to nod, but his body sagged forwards, and he sank into Janusz’ arms and didn’t realise how much he needed arms around him, holding him tight until it happened. He was shaking, and Janusz hushed him.

‘You can do this,’ Janusz said, ‘because I’m going to help you. You have just as much of a right as anyone else to go have a delicious lunch with me. I can’t control how good the food will be, but I will look out for you, and afterwards we’ll go home together, and you won’t be in trouble. I promise.’

You’re too nice, Nate thought. But he didn’t have the heart to resist. Maybe it was the persuasion still rippling through him, but he wanted Janusz to help, and he wanted to try.

‘Christian…liked me in the beginning,’ Nate said hoarsely. And then he didn’t.

‘He’s one person, babe, he’s not a pattern,’ Janusz said against Nate’s hair. ‘He’s just one person. We’ll talk about his behaviours a bit more one day, when you’re ready. You don’t have to trust me, okay? You just have to try.’

Nate nodded, and Janusz nodded too, chin brushing the top of his head.

‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ Nate asked.

‘I think you’re brave. And I think I’m lucky that I get to see you being brave. Also, this place does killer milkshakes.’

Nate’s laugh was small, and it surprised him to hear it. Janusz squeezed him tighter and when he stepped back, his smile was bright and cheeky.

‘It’s just food, babe. You’ve totally got this. And if you don’t, that’s on me!’

Janusz held Nate’s hand, and encouraged him to follow him into the restaurant, and Nate’s heart started beating hard, but he felt like he could appreciate how pretty the setting was in a way that he couldn’t, only five minutes before.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

They went inside, and Nate expected people to stare or make comments, but while a few people glanced their way, most were focused on their food. Some people chatted animatedly. Nate’s nostrils flared. There were a couple of alphas, omegas too. Nate looked around but he’d be guessing based off build, and sometimes betas were also small.

The table they were shown to was in a corner empty of patrons, with glass windows on either side, overhanging the lake. Nate stared at the ducks in the water, the trees on the other side of the lake which looked dense and green, graceful with their silvery grey trunks. A flicker of a memory, had he thought of them as maidens? All together like that, they could have been willowy soldiers ready to defend themselves if necessary. The lake was slate grey under cloudy skies, gleaming, and Nate looked beneath his feet and wondered if the lake was there too, strumming the struts of the restaurant like a guitar.

He sat down feeling dazed, relieved when Janusz gestured for the menu the server offered to him. The server nodded easily and handed one menu to Janusz and took the other away.

The server returned with glasses and still water and poured them each a glass. Nate reached for his as the server walked away. He sipped nervously.

‘I think we’ll pick something a bit lighter for you today,’ Janusz said, looking over the menu without showing it to Nate.

It was silly, to feel cared for in that moment. But Christian had ordered for him at first and it was nice, but over time it changed, and Nate was expected to know everything, prepare food at home. Nate was supposed to decide their meals and got into trouble when he couldn’t tell what Christian wanted. The part of him that knew the right thing to do would be to take care of Janusz warred with the part of him that wanted to relax, wanted to feel like Janusz could take care of them both.

A few minutes later a woman came over, wearing a suit. Nate could tell immediately that she was an alpha, she had one of the scents he’d picked up before. When she reached the table, he noticed first that she smelled of a bitter roast coffee, something salty, and then he saw the little Manager badge on her green suit jacket and swallowed nervously.

The smile she offered him was kind, but she addressed Janusz.

‘One of the customers told me there was an omega here who had quite a strong fear scent, and I came over to see if everything was all right, and then realised you’re an alpha companion from Hillview, aren’t you? I think we’ve met before?’

Nate’s fingers clenched under the table. He stared down, chewing on the inside of his lip. Did Nate smell afraid? He didn’t feel that scared! Surely it wasn’t that bad. Was it off-putting to everyone?

And why did she care? He’d felt more afraid in the past, in public, and…

Why did she care?

Nate looked up at her in confusion and her smile was kindly, but he had to look away from her blue eyes, intimidated by this stranger with her coffee scent.

‘It’s nice of you to check-in though, hey,’ Janusz said. He pulled a business card out of his wallet and handed it to her. ‘It’s one of the reasons I like this place. I’ve been here before a few times. I’m Janusz.’

Janusz stretched out his hand so they could shake hands, and their scents didn’t intensify at all. This wasn’t alpha posturing then, which was a relief. But not that much of a relief.

‘Is it bad?’ Nate said, his voice small.

‘Mm? What’s that, honey?’ the manager said.

‘Is it bad? That I smell this way? Should we leave?’

‘No, no, nothing like that,’ she said. ‘It’s not that strong. I think the alpha has a sensitive nose. I’ll go over and talk to them afterwards. The betas won’t be able to tell anyway, and I certainly wasn’t bowled over by it when I walked over. You smell nervous more than anything.’

‘It’s not bad, Nate,’ Janusz said. He turned back to the manager. ‘He’d do better if we could have some space.’

‘Of course. I’m also going to pop on the pheromone filter nearby. I hope you both have a lovely lunch.’

‘Cheers,’ Janusz said, as she walked off.

Nate watched her leave, wringing his hands under the table.

‘No one ever checked in like that when you were with Christian?’ Janusz said. ‘Or…maybe he wasn’t letting you go out in public at that point with him?’

It was like a rude, fluorescent light turned on, highlighting the ugly parts of a timeline that Nate had romanticised. Nate thought it was weird to have someone check in on his fear levels like that, but Nate also hadn’t gone out with Christian to restaurants or cafes after a certain period of time. Instead, Christian invited people over, and those people didn’t like Nate very much, and Nate didn’t mind, really, because they were good for Christian but…

‘That sucks,’ Janusz said softly.

‘I’m not even afraid,’ Nate said. ‘Not really.’

‘Not compared to how afraid you can be,’ Janusz said. ‘That’s not really the same thing. Although she’s right. It’s not strong. But you know, an alpha sees another alpha bring in a scared omega, and technically you are supposed to find out if everything’s all right. Most don’t bother. Live and let live and all of that.’

‘It’s weird the manager even cared.’

‘Because you’re an omega?’

‘Yeah,’ Nate said, looking towards the table where she must have been talking to the alpha who had raised a concern in the first place.

‘Well, I’m glad she did. Many of the restaurants here are fairly progressive. A combination of it being a pretty open-minded area, and also the fact that Hillview’s here. I know some of the management did education sessions in the beginning, because the tourists didn’t want a rehabilitation facility down here, so…yeah. I don’t know much about it. That was before my time.’

Nate nodded and felt like he should say something to keep the conversation going, but he felt…strange. He’d seen a lot of new things already today and talking was getting harder.

Janusz rolled with it, he pointed out some ducks, he ordered when the server came, and he laughed when the ducks started chasing each other.

When the food came, Nate realised he wasn’t as stressed as before. Janusz had ordered him marron on asparagus and roasted fingerling potatoes, with brown butter and fried herbs. There was a round bun of damper for the middle of the table, with truffle butter, and the server talked about how the black Perigord truffles were foraged from a truffiere only an hour and a half away. Janusz got a cured chorizo spaghetti, and a side of bruschetta.

Nate stared at everything in amazement. It might have been some of the nicest food he’d ever seen.

‘I was going to order some fruit juice for you,’ Janusz said, ‘but I think that’d overpower the marron, so I ended up getting you some chamomile tea. You’ve brewed some at home for yourself, yeah?’

The little light green teapot on its tray with its single cup, and tiny fluted jug of milk, and honey in a pot next to it, was all for him?

‘I- For me?’ he said.

‘Yep! Go on, dig in. Food’s not gonna get any warmer, is it?’

Janusz started eating without any fanfare, and Nate spent a while looking at everything, not knowing where to start. In the end, he tried the asparagus, and then had to pause after swallowing, because while everything was tasty at Hillview, this was…fancy in a different way.

Janusz handed him a piece of damper that he’d sliced, with the butter with its brown-grey truffle flecks spread liberally on it.

Nate bit into it and made a small sound of want. He finished the slice of bread before he’d even had another bite from his actual plate, and he was about to apologise, when Janusz just handed him another piece.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Nate said. ‘I haven’t- It’s just…’

‘It’s good,’ Janusz said, and he laughed warmly. ‘Trust me, it’s good. Just…make sure you try some of the marron. I think you’ll like that too.’

In the end, Nate loved everything. He felt like crying several times and had to concentrate on his breathing to make himself stop. He couldn’t finish the whole meal, but Janusz took his plate and polished everything off. Christian would have found it so uncouth, but no one in the restaurant cared.

The chamomile tea was good. Nate didn’t drink it with milk, but he added some honey because it was there. The honey was a lighter colour than the one he normally had. It tasted good, like floral caramel.

Janusz ordered dessert, and thankfully only got one slice of tiramisu cheesecake for them both to share. Nate had a couple of bites at Janusz’ urging, and it was amazing, but then he had to stop.

No one got annoyed at him. The manager didn’t come back. And Janusz went up to pay, and then they walked out together, and Janusz took him back to his car.

Nate began trembling at the passenger door, feeling too tired to hold back the tears this time.

Janusz was there, arms around him like before, and instead of saying something, he just held him.

‘I’m sorry,’ Nate managed.

A hand in Nate’s hair, and then stroking over the nape of his neck, over his Kaeper glands. Nate blinked rapidly, a warm fogginess stealing over him, like Janusz was smudging all his sharper thoughts. His touch was so light.

‘You tired, baby?’ Janusz said. ‘This has been a huge day for you.’

Nate made a questioning sound.

‘It really has,’ Janusz said. ‘You did so well.’

How did Janusz do it? How did he manage to sound sincere? Like Nate really mattered and wasn’t just a dollar sign on his salary? But Nate was too tired to loathe himself more than normal, and he closed his eyes and let himself drift.

Janusz guided Nate into the passenger seat, buckled him in, and halfway through the drive back Nate fell asleep to the sound of rain on the car and the blur of green around them.

*

Nate woke to his hand being warmed in someone else’s hands. He made a soft noise and turned towards the sound, then woke all at once, panicked that Christian was expecting something from him.

He was in a car, Janusz had parked it back in the garage, and Janusz was holding his hand in both of his.

‘Easy, babe, you’re not in trouble.’

Nate looked around. It wasn’t raining as much as before, but he could hear a rumble of thunder nearby. A storm. He stretched his legs out, then watched quietly as Janusz let go of his hands and undid the seatbelt. Nate watched the strap pass him and felt drugged, and he couldn’t put his finger on why. It wasn’t a bad feeling.

You’re not drugged, you’re relaxed.

That was it. The slowness in his body, the feeling of being unhurried, the way his joints weren’t ready to spring into action, the residual warmth in his hands from Janusz’ touch…

He was relaxed.

His eyes filmed with tears, he placed a hand over his mouth and as he blinked, the tears spilled down his cheeks.

‘What’s wrong, sweetheart?’

‘I can’t- I can’t remember the last time I felt relaxed like this. I thought I was drugged. Not that you’d drugged me, but I couldn’t figure out why I felt like this, and it’s been so long. It’s been so long. I forgot. I’d forgotten I could feel like this.’

‘Yeah.’ Janusz sighed. ‘Yeah, that’d upset me too. That’s pretty sad, isn’t it? Hang tight, I’m just going to come around your side of the car and we’ll walk home.’

Home.

Nate watched, and wiped at his eyes as Janusz undid his seatbelt, and Nate got out of the car feeling weak. They walked back together under the cover of a sturdy, light blue umbrella that Janusz pulled from the boot of the car. The rain sprinkled, but the atmosphere was heavy and waiting to unleash more water. The smell of the salty ocean was thick and pleasant. Nate looked around the grounds. He liked it here.

When they got back, Nate took his shoes off and went to the kettle to turn it on, and froze when Janusz slung an easy arm around his waist.

‘We’ll get to drinks in a minute,’ Janusz said, his voice lower than before. ‘First, we’re going to go into my room, and I’m going to mount you.’

A spasm of fear, as he remembered how bad it had been. But that first time… That first time had been okay. Nate nodded obediently, because he wanted to be good, he wanted the day to end well.

‘We’re not going to have sex,’ Janusz said. ‘I’m going to mount you, and you’ll hopefully relax again, and then you’re going to get some sleep. After that you can decide what you want to do with the rest of your afternoon and evening, or I can decide if it’s too hard. Let’s go, okay? You’re going to do great.’

Nate nodded, and followed Janusz down the hall, his heart beating harder, his fingertips colder.

Janusz’ room smelled good. Nate hadn’t been inside it for a while. He looked around and didn’t know what to think of the animal print doona cover, but he didn’t hate it as much as he had the first time he saw it. He wondered why Janusz liked it.

‘Like the first time, I’m going to guide you,’ Janusz said. ‘I want you to walk to the bed until your knees are touching it, and face the mattress.’

Nate nodded and walked forwards, and wondered how anxious Janusz was, because he knew now that Janusz had found that mounting as hard as Nate had. Maybe even harder, because Nate didn’t have nightmares about it as often as Janusz did. 

Janusz stepped in behind him and Nate pressed his lips together, feeling nervous, breathless. One palm curved around his hip, and the other went to the opposite shoulder and rested there.

‘Okay,’ Janusz said, after taking a breath. He was bracing himself. Nate could hear the tension in his voice. ‘Get onto the bed.’

Janusz’ hands helped guide him even though Nate knew what to do. Janusz’ bed smelled good, and Nate’s hand grasped at the doona, thick and plush beneath his hands and knees.

There was pressure between his shoulder blades.

‘Down we go, that’s it,’ Janusz said, sounding warmer now, and Nate already felt the way his body settled into place. By the time Janusz straddled him and pressed his chest to Nate’s back, he was already feeling sleepy, his breathing slowed.

It wasn’t like the first time, it was better. It was the best he’d felt in so long.

‘I don’t understand,’ Nate said, his voice whisper soft.

‘This was the way it should have been from the beginning,’ Janusz said, firmly stroking Nate’s side over his ribs. It wasn’t ticklish. It felt good.

Nate sank into the space fully, and for a while, everything just drifted. The relaxation from before returned, and the strong emotion. He became teary all over again, and made a small, pained sound, even though he didn’t feel that upset. The tears just happened. Ever since the repudiation it felt like the smallest thing set him off.

‘That’s it,’ Janusz said. ‘You’re doing so well. Does it feel good?’

Nate nodded, cheek rubbing against the doona cover.

‘You can sleep, if you want,’ Janusz said. ‘If you’re okay with sleeping here.’

In the back of his mind, Nate heard all the things that should be influencing what he did next. He should be asking if Janusz was okay with it. He should have made Janusz something to drink. He shouldn’t be relaxing like this. He needed to be on guard. He needed to stay tense, just in case he’d missed something.

‘This is perfect,’ Janusz said. ‘Your scent’s softened so nicely. Can you hear the rain outside? Does it sound good?’

Nate listened to the cushioning noise of the rain, an extra layer of shelter, and one of his arms stretched out on the bed. His lower back loosened, and he felt a low heat in his pelvis.

‘Yeah,’ Nate said. ‘It’s good weather.’

‘You like the rain, huh?’

‘Am I allowed to sleep here?’

‘You’re allowed to sleep here any time, Nate. Any time you want.’

‘You smell good,’ Nate said weakly, eyes sinking shut. He was going to sleep, just like this, feeling like he was on the good sedatives, even though he’d done nothing more than eaten a tasty meal and gone on a long drive with someone who enjoyed driving.

Janusz felt so warm, and strong, it was hard to imagine that he’d ever thought of him as a weak alpha.

Nate opened his mouth to take in a big lungful of the scent in the room, and on the exhale, he drifted into sleep.

*

When he woke, he was puzzled at the stillness inside of him. Janusz was curled around his back and an extra blanket covered them both. One from Nate’s pile of nesting blankets. He felt warm and he needed to piss, but it wasn’t urgent. It wasn’t raining anymore. Janusz breathed slowly and deeply enough behind him that he had to be asleep.

It wasn’t evening, maybe late afternoon, and Nate felt thoughts plucking at him, telling him to get up, to cook food, to prepare something, and he watched them all, and felt guilty for not listening, but was too comfortable to do anything else.

Christian probably wasn’t paying for him to stay here anymore, Hillview was doing it. Had they paid for the lunch? Was that part of rehabilitation here? He’d expected to be force-fucked every day. This was so different to anything he could have imagined.

He turned and faced Janusz. He was sleeping, circles under his eyes. Nate considered them and winced.

He’d caused those. Janusz had such a good track record, and Nate was going to drag him down like a stone, because he couldn’t magically get better, whatever that meant here.

Maybe he should find out, because it didn’t seem to be anything like what he thought it meant. Maybe it was time to start asking some different questions.

Chapter Text

Janusz

*

Nate’s healing process quickened in some ways and was slow in others. The repudiation had severed the slavish connection that Nate had to Christian, but the abusive patterning remained. Nate was more receptive to being close, but also more remote in a way Janusz hadn’t experienced with an omega before. He didn’t know if it was because Nate was atypical, or if it was because he was so disconnected from himself. Temsen told him to be patient, while Janusz felt the burden of knowing Nate didn’t have to be in so much pain mentally.

On a Wednesday morning that was bright and cool, he’d returned from his run dripping sweat, shaking it off his head like a dog, and Nate wrinkled his nose like he found it distasteful. Janusz thought it was adorable.

‘Do you take me out with you when you run every time, because you think I’m going to kill myself?’

The words were a punch to the gut. Janusz blinked in shock, unable to take in the bluntness for several seconds.

This was something Janusz had never encountered from an omega. Nate could be tactless in a way that almost felt deliberate, and Temsen had told him to monitor it.

Right now it felt like a knife lodged somewhere inside him, because he’d never thought about it like that, and Nate was right.

‘I’m sorry,’ Nate said abruptly. ‘Oh my god, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Janusz.’

Janusz held up a hand, and Nate fell silent. He didn’t want to crouch down onto the sand and get covered in it, so instead he held out his other hand and waited for Nate to take it. Nate’s hand in his was light, untrusting, like he expected a yank.

‘I don’t know why I’m like this,’ Nate said, the words wrenched from him.

‘You caught me off guard, that’s all. And…look, maybe? I hadn’t given it any thought. But probably. People are pretty simple when you come down to it. We’re often governed by our invisible fears, and the visible ones.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Nate said, his face crumpling. Janusz stepped closer to him and frowned, thinking he’d never needed his supervision sessions as much as he’d needed them with Nate.

‘Why are you sorry?’

‘I keep implying you’re weak.’

Janusz nodded slowly, pressing Nate close to him, spiking his pheromones on purpose. There it was. Nate said things that didn’t sound mean on the surface, but beneath it, Nate had been wondering if Janusz was secretly weak because he took him to the beach every morning when he ran. Because he’d been doing that ever since he’d discovered Nate was suicidal.

But Nate made those little digs because he was afraid. Another alpha might feel emasculated, but mostly Janusz felt aware that Nate lashed out in advance to check for the points of collapse in others. He tested the world around him because he didn’t trust it. What he didn’t realise yet was how it could make him hurtful, spiteful, mean-spirited. How in testing others, he forced others into invisible pass-fail tests, just as Christian had done the same to him.

‘Come on,’ Janusz said. He turned them both and then walked back towards the cottage with a hand on Nate’s lower back.

‘You’re mad,’ Nate breathed.

It was a challenge to be open with himself about how he felt. Was he mad? Maybe a little. He knew himself to be trustworthy, and he didn’t like that sometimes living with Nate felt like sitting some kind of exam.

In a way, it was progress. This was what Nate had tried to hide from the beginning, and it might have been something that goaded the insecure, petty Christian into his over-inflated, horrific response. But Christian was always going to be abusive, and Nate would never have behaved like this if the world had been kinder to him.

‘Babe, you have this way of talking where it sounds like you’re asking an innocent question, but you’re not,’ Janusz said. ‘It’s clever, and I’m trying to figure out what to do about it. It’s not as simple as me being mad, or you doing something you need to apologise for right now. I don’t mind if you think of me as weak. Are you upset with me? Are you trying to ask for more time for yourself?’

‘No!’ Nate said.

That was honest. His scent had changed, turned fearful.

Janusz grimaced.

Right, they needed to broach this under different circumstances. Ideally with Nate either underneath him while being mounted, or in his nest while Janusz laid next to him.

‘That’s good,’ Janusz soothed. ‘We’ll talk about it more at home, okay? There’s no punishment coming, I promise. It’s just going to be a conversation. You might find it difficult because you don’t like any conversations that are about how you’re thinking or feeling, or how I’m thinking or feeling, but that’s all it’s going to be.’

Nate’s muscles remained tense, but short of using persuasion – which Janusz felt would be too manipulative – he’d have to leave it. Learning how to communicate with Nate was a thorny business, but one worth doing.

*

Nate made a nest on the couch, and Janusz joined him in it, watching Nate fuss over the blankets, sometimes twitching them only a centimetre here and there. He wouldn’t make eye contact. Janusz’ instincts told him that Nate wasn’t just scared, he was angry and defensive. There was a backbone of fury in Nate that he wanted to lure out, and he suspected Nate experienced a lot of internal conflict over repressing it and trying to be a good omega.

Janusz wanted him to learn how to be a person again.

‘What does weakness mean to you?’ Janusz asked. ‘Since the beginning, you’ve talked a lot about strength and weakness, and I’m curious to hear your side of things.’

‘I’m sorry I said-’

‘I know, I know you are, and that’s all forgiven. I still think we should talk about this. I want to know what you think about these things.’

Nate’s nose scrunched up briefly. Janusz felt a curl of excitement, because for all that Nate tried to hide his emotions, they were drifting to the surface again.

‘I don’t know,’ Nate said finally.

That was possibly true. ‘What about me as a weak alpha? You’ve said I’m too nice in the past. Is niceness a form of weakness to you, when it’s in an alpha?’

‘Yeah,’ Nate said.

‘Okay. I mean, that sucks. That means for someone to be strong by your definition, they’d probably have to be mean to you, right? And you don’t really want people to be mean to you, do you?’

Nate’s hesitation was strange. He held a blanket in both of his hands and stared at nothing for some time, then closed his eyes.

‘Sometimes we don’t like the things that are good for us,’ Nate said, his voice carrying less of its fractious edge than before. ‘When a strange alpha has sex with you during your heat, even when you don’t want to – but it helps the heat – ultimately, that’s good.’

Oh boy, Janusz thought.

‘I’m often disobedient and not normal for an omega, so when someone puts me in my place, I don’t always enjoy that, but it’s still good for me. It’s like medicine. Sometimes mean things have to happen to you – people have to be mean to you – in order to make you be good.’

Janusz balanced all the thoughts out in his head and trusted his instincts. Honesty had always helped him the most with other omegas, with everyone in his life.

‘Nate,’ Janusz said, ‘I don’t know if I’ve ever apologised to you for how that first heat went. I never asked your permission, and you never had a choice. I know you needed to consummate your heat with someone to escape a lot of agony, but that doesn’t make any of that situation okay. You know, there are some activists who believe it’s rape to have sex with an omega like that. Even when they need it. Even if you wouldn’t say no.’

Nate’s knuckles turned white on the blanket.

‘You say you need mean and cruel things to be good,’ Janusz said, ‘but that whole situation wasn’t fair to you, it wasn’t about making you be good. You were placed here as an act of cruelty, and Christian’s idea of a good omega is…kind of fucked up, babe.’

Nate looked at him in surprise, and Janusz smiled.

‘I know, I shouldn’t say it. I should be a lot gentler about it, and maybe you’ll disagree with me. But for a start, life isn’t about being good constantly. You’re a person, Nate. You’re not a Goodness Machine that has to be corrected with cruelty when you make mistakes! How crappy is that? I don’t expect you to change your mind overnight, but here’s the thing… Yes, I can be weak. I’m human. I’m going to be weak sometimes. So are you. Sometimes I’m going to be strong.’

‘Like that time with Temsen,’ Nate said.

Janusz was going to live on the high of Nate finding that whole encounter amazing for the rest of his life. Dressing down Temsen, and telling him what he really thought, had him privately shitting his pants, and seeing Nate’s wide-eyed approval afterwards made him feel like a king.

‘Like that time,’ Janusz agreed. ‘And sometimes I’m going to do good things, and sometimes I’m going to do things that are bad or hurtful. I don’t want to do that, but that’s why we have things like apologies, or talking about it afterwards. Do you want to talk about that heat more? That whole situation?’

‘No,’ Nate said, clearing his throat. ‘I was just- No. I don’t know. It wasn’t mean.’

‘I wasn’t trying to be mean, but it can still be a mean thing for you to experience. You said at the time that you didn’t want it or want me. I’m glad you did.’

Nate rubbed at his face, a quick, scrubbing motion like he was getting tension out of his body.

Nate might be the angriest omega Janusz had ever met in his life. All that fury directed at himself, because he was punished when he directed it anywhere else. He’d cultivated a cruel internal voice because he lived with Christian, and Janusz knew deep down that Nate wouldn’t be safe around other omegas for some time. If he didn’t feel the need to please another person, he might become too scathing for most to handle.

Janusz needed to see more of it, needed to understand it, and he could handle it. He didn’t mind Nate calling him weak, and he was strong enough in himself not to take it personally.

But god, could he tell that Nate wanted him to, sometimes.

‘You don’t have to like me,’ Janusz said.

‘I do though,’ Nate said.

‘Then you don’t have to like me all the time. Think of me like someone who is here to help with your heats, and in other aspects of your life, but if you decide you want nothing to do with me anymore…’ Something about that sentence cut into him, and he had to stop.

Nate looked at him. ‘What?’

‘I was going to tell you that if you decide you want nothing to do with me anymore, that would be okay. And that’s…true. It would be okay for you. That’s a decision you’re allowed to make. But I realised it’d hurt. I’d miss you.’

A long, lingering look, a mixture of disbelief and curiosity, as though Nate couldn’t imagine anyone missing him. Janusz thought about everything he’d gone through while Nate was in the medical suite and ran a hand through his hair.

‘My hurt is mine to handle,’ Janusz said. ‘That doesn’t mean I can’t ask for help. It means it’s not a problem you have to solve with apologies or appeasement.’

‘But that’s what omegas are supposed to do.’

‘Most omegas want to help the people they care for in a way that’s very visceral to them, sure, but there’s lots of ways to help someone you’re worried about. Anyway, I think the point I wanted to get to is that…I would rather talk about you thinking I’m weak, and being afraid of what that means for you, than you trying to trip me up by bringing up something that was hard for me. You planning out your method and time of committing suicide was hard for me.’

Nate’s arms folded in, disappeared under the blankets. He shrank away. Janusz would lay bets Nate didn’t like knowing people cared about him, and that he felt guilty for stirring this up anyway.

‘You were in so much pain, and you’re still in a lot of pain, deep down,’ Janusz said. ‘But there’s more than one reason I take you to the beach with me. The first is that I think it’s good for you to be outside more, in nature. The second is that it gets you away from my scent, and you get a breather. If my scent’s influencing you in ways you’re not sure about, the ocean clears that away and you can think your own thoughts.’

Nate’s body language changed, opened up as he heard more of Janusz’ reasoning. He craved information, Janusz had to be more transparent with him.

‘The third is that you found the pipis there, and that day – before you got upset – you were having an enjoyable experience. I want you to have more of those. Whether or not you dig up more pipis! And then yeah, maybe the fourth is that unconsciously, I’m scared of you killing yourself when I’m not around. I hadn’t given that any thought. Do you hate it? Being on the beach like that?’

‘No! I… No, I don’t. I don’t think I’d like it when it’s really hot,’ Nate admitted.

‘I wouldn’t want you out there when it’s really hot,’ Janusz said.

Nate’s eyes teared up. ‘I keep telling you all these things I don’t like. I’m so mean all the time. Christian hated it so much. P-people have to be mean to me, or I get… I get like this. Negative and gross.’

‘Or you’ve had four million shitty things happen in your life, and it’s taking you a long time to find the things you like again.’

Nate pulled the blankets closer to him, his legs curled up under him. He was listening, even if he was struggling with it all.

‘He never hit me,’ Nate said. ‘He wasn’t that bad. My parents were nice. I’m not like the other omegas here.’

‘Christian was awful,’ Janusz said. ‘It’s going to take a long time to realise how much he was abusing you, and that’s going to be painful, which is why your brain’s trying to protect you from it. And your parents love you, but that isn’t the same as knowing how to help you be the happiest or healthiest person you can be. There’s a lot of incorrect assumptions out there about what omegas need, what they’re capable of. That’s why I want to talk to you, because your thoughts matter to me so much!’

Nate’s face scrunched up, his head thudded into the couch as he withdrew into it.

‘Are you scared of finding things you like?’ Janusz asked.

Nate nodded silently.

‘It’s scary to feel good, huh? When you’re worried about it all being taken away?’

Nate nodded again.

‘Yeah, I bet,’ Janusz sighed. ‘That is hard.’

‘I wish I could’ve been born normal,’ Nate said, the anger from before having leeched away. Janusz knew there was more of it, but he was glad the conversation seemed to have helped to get something out of his system. But the sadness in some ways was harder to deal with, because Janusz would have fought anyone to make that grief go away, and Nate would always have grief to deal with on some level. His innocence and trust had been ripped away from him repeatedly.

‘Most omegas wish that. Even the ones that aren’t atypical.’

‘Sure they do,’ Nate scoffed.

‘They do. The whole world teaches them they have to be a perfectly self-effacing, caring, compassionate omega who will meet all of their alpha’s needs and not only accept their lot in life, but love it, and thrive because of it. So if they get upset that their own needs aren’t being met, or feel pushed down by doing so much thankless work, or tire of being compassionate to someone taking them for granted – they attack themselves for not being “normal.” Nate, it’s not exactly omegas who are making the TV you watch, or who control most of the messages you’re hearing, right? Those people don’t actually have your vested interest at heart. Most omegas wish they could be normal, when that concept doesn’t even exist.’

Janusz stretched his legs out and rested his foot on the coffee table just to watch the little annoyed look that crossed Nate’s face. One day Nate would tell him off for that, and it’d be great.

‘The fact is, there’s no “normal” for alphas or betas. It’s all kinds of fucked up, when you think about that. Like, there are things we’re more likely to share in common, but that’s not the same thing.’

‘My uncle used to talk about something like this,’ Nate said, shifting in his nest, and then curling into it, sighing. ‘A long time ago. I barely remember. He pulled me aside and talked about things like this.’

‘Did he?’ Janusz said, unable to hide his interest.

‘Mum said he was a radical and not to listen to him. She said I wouldn’t be happy if I lived a life like his.’

‘Did you agree with her?’

‘Out loud, sure,’ Nate said, and then shook his head and stared at nothing, haunted. ‘Uncle Corbyn said it was all lies. He told me omegas were smart enough to manage their own lives, but that they found it harder than others and needed some help. It was an alpha’s job to provide that help. But we could go to university, and could work full time if we wanted to, and still look after alphas who also looked after us. He said… He talked a lot about interdependence. Instead of dependence.’

‘You remember that?’

‘Uh huh. I remember it being so different to anything I’d heard before, and you don’t understand…’ Nate’s expression softened, became so affectionate that Janusz felt a pang in his chest. He wanted Nate to look like that about him, goddamn it. ‘He has this way of talking… He could convince an entire room of people to believe him. I suppose that’s why he can live off his writing, even though he’s an omega. He convinced everyone he was a beta, and when they found out he wasn’t, they liked his writing enough to keep reading it. Keep buying it, even.’

‘I want to read it. Would you mind if I ordered some?’

‘No,’ Nate said, surprised. ‘But why would you want to hear about the things some omega has to say? He’s not- He writes about different things.’

‘When was the last time you read something by him?’

‘Before- Before Christian,’ Nate said, swallowing. ‘Forever ago.’

‘Then we’ll order some stuff. For a start, what you’ve summarised for me sounds like what I believe already, about omegas and alphas, so I’d love to hear that from an omega’s perspective.’

‘You’re so…’ Nate bit his lip.

‘Weak?’ Janusz said, his smile gentle.

‘Different.’

‘Yeah? I’m not that normal, huh?’

Nate’s expression shifted then. He looked annoyed for a few seconds, and then his forehead relaxed, his eyes brightened, and his shoulders relaxed. He seemed hopeful, and Janusz’ smile widened as relief stretched through him.

Yeah, Nate definitely needed transparency. This was the right thing to do. It was only a matter of time before they stumbled across more of that thorny anger, but they were making so much progress.

‘Can we really order some of Uncle Corbyn’s books?’ Nate asked.

‘We sure can. Let’s do it right now.’ He reached for the tablet on the coffee table, and Nate pressed his lips together, a barely repressed excitement on his face.

Janusz smiled at him. On days like this, he couldn’t believe he got paid to spend time with someone pretty amazing.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

Uncle Corbyn had published more works since Nate had met Christian. He held a novella in his hands, staring down at it. The cover was a matte dark grey. The title – in embossed silver – was Threads in Common. Down the bottom, it said Corbyn Prince.

Nate sat on the couch and ran his fingers over the book, and Janusz glanced over from where he leaned against the armrest and seemed curious.

‘How does an omega get something published?’ Nate asked, frowning at the book. ‘We can’t get business numbers or register a business name, can we? I know he pretended to be a beta at first, but everyone knows what he is now.’

‘That’s a good question,’ Janusz said. ‘Maybe the publishing house is open to supporting omegas? Omega-friendly businesses exist. Proxy business numbers can be acquired through third parties, though sometimes at great financial risk to the omega.’

Nate opened the book, smoothed his hand over the paper. It felt nice.

He used to dream of having his poetry in books like this. He didn’t know if anyone would read them, but he felt it would be nice to have someone read the things he had to say. Even if it was just one other person.

Overwhelmed, he put the book down on the coffee table. He stared at it for a while, and wondered if it was offensive to leave it in full sight, like it belonged as much as any book written by a beta or an alpha. Finally, he decided Janusz would probably be fine with it and leaned back into the couch.

He looked over at the kitchen and pursed his lips.

As the days passed, his guilt grew over how rarely he wanted to do the dishes, how little he actually wanted to clean. He had no true desire in him to do those kinds of chores. Even making his bed in the morning annoyed him.

He felt like he wavered between anger at the idea of doing chores, guilt because he didn’t want to do them, anger that Janusz wasn’t making him, guilt because he couldn’t motivate himself.

What was an omega without housework?

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to do anything. He wanted to write, though he burnt out quickly, and he didn’t like most of what he penned. He dreamed of publishing his poetry, which was nothing more than a silly fantasy. He wanted to wander through the forest, and he wanted to stare at the ocean, and he wanted to make Janusz happy.

So why the fuck couldn’t he do more housework? Janusz was letting him, and Nate was doing the least he’d ever done in his whole life.

What were omegas good for except getting fucked and keeping a house well looked after? What value did he have?

He wrapped an arm around himself, then jolted when Janusz shifted on the couch.

‘You okay?’ Janusz said.

Nate nodded tightly and couldn’t make himself offer a false smile. He got up and walked over to the small kitchen and stared at it. What could he do? What should he do? Christian would have an invisible list, and Nate wasn’t doing any of it anymore. Where could he even start?

Absently, he reached for the kettle. He could empty the old water out and put fresh water in. That was something.

His fingers were cold, he wasn’t paying attention. In a single moment, hardly concentrating, he dropped the kettle that was half-full of water and still warm, and it fell with a dull thunk! onto his foot.

Nate felt the pain from a distance, but the corresponding rush of fury and hatred towards himself was so bright he could have slammed his fingertips against the counter and broken every single one.

Janusz started to say something, and Nate sucked down one shaking breath, hands clenching into fists as pain radiated up his ankle.

‘Why can’t I do anything right?’ Nate hissed at himself. ‘I’m such a- I’m such a piece of shit. Why isn’t anyone making me do the right things?!’

His whole body tensed, and Janusz got up and walked towards him. Nate felt sick with fear, sick from the retribution that might come, and angry too, angry Janusz was going to talk him down and tell him it was okay.

‘It’s not okay,’ Nate said, like Janusz had spoken.

‘Your foot, Nate,’ Janusz said.

‘I don’t care about my foot!’ Nate shouted, turning to prove he could, moving the sore foot and realising it was bruised and nothing was broken, and disappointed, so disappointed he hadn’t shattered himself. He was so furious at his own broken self, it was the least he deserved. ‘I don’t care! And you’re an asshole for caring! Why can’t you make me be better? I’m supposed to- I’m supposed to do things! Things that help! What the fuck is the purpose of this place? Are you all trying to remind me of how fucking worthless I am? Is that it? Huh? Is that your secret, Janusz?’

Janusz stared at him in shock, eyes wide, and Nate’s hatred spilled over in every direction. He was flooded, drowning, and he wanted to scream.

‘What? Gonna stare at me because I’m so atypical now? Is that it? Not a normal omega? We’re not supposed to yell, is that it? I fucking know that! I know that! Why do you think Christian had to treat me the way he did? Why do you think? Huh? He knew!’

‘Nate…’

‘I’m sick of it,’ Nate said, his voice breaking. ‘What good am I? Can’t even put fresh water in a kettle. I hate this. I hate everything about this. Do you know what it’s like to be stuck with me? You think I blame Christian for wanting to get away from me? You’re going to be the same, Janusz.’

Nate laughed, and half-expected Janusz to laugh with him. When his laugh faded, he realised Janusz’ gaze had turned firm.

‘I’m not,’ Janusz said. ‘Come here.’

‘You think-’

‘As your alpha, Nate, I gave you an order. Come here.’

It was a fishing hook in his thoughts, slicing through everything, yanking him closer. The worst of the anger vanished. Nate limped over. It was only a few steps, his foot wasn’t broken, he was still annoyed, Janusz hadn’t told him to stop feeling annoyed.

Janusz knelt at his feet and pressed his fingertips to the red bump already forming. Nate half-wanted to get the kettle – still on the ground and probably dented – and smash it into his bones until they broke.

‘The only reason I don’t want the bones to be broken,’ Nate said, his voice shaking, ‘is it would make me even more worthless. Otherwise, otherwise I wish I could fucking break them. Break everything. I can’t get anything right. Ever.’

Janusz’ fingers paused where they gently checked his skin. He looked up. ‘You’ve got the brightest anger I’ve ever seen, Nate. It’s amazing. I just disagree with the direction you’re pointing it.’

‘Of course you fucking do,’ Nate muttered.

Janusz kept staring at him, and Nate realised what he’d said, who he’d said it to, and it was horrible really, the way fear could swamp him all at once and turn all of his sharp thoughts to murk and dread. Janusz’ expression changed. He stood, caught Nate as he tried to back away in terror.

‘I’m not upset at you being angry at me,’ Janusz said. ‘You didn’t insult me. You didn’t make it a personal attack. Yes, it’s not very open in terms of communication, but you’re doing your best. You had a painful shock, and it seems like you were already upset. I’m going to guide you over to the table so you can sit down. And I’m going to make sure your foot isn’t broken.’

‘It’s not broken,’ Nate said, staring at him.

‘I didn’t ask,’ Janusz said. ‘I told you what I’m going to do.’

Alpha authority like this didn’t make Nate want to fight back. He craved it so badly, even though he knew he didn’t deserve its comfort. Janusz helped him over to the table, let him raise his foot, and bent his toes when Janusz asked. He winced at the pain in the bridge of his foot, but he could wiggle his toes. The lump forming felt like a deep bruise, it didn’t feel sharp or paralysing.

Janusz exhaled in relief. ‘Well, that’s something. If it hurts too much to walk on, or you feel like it can’t fully bear your weight, we’ll go see Temsen.’

‘We’re going to have a “talk” now, aren’t we?’ Nate said, listening to himself, chastening himself. His parents hated when he got like this. It wasn’t just Christian, it was everyone. The first time he’d talked back to his mum, she’d stared at him like he’d been possessed by a demon that needed to be exorcised.

‘What do you need right now, Nate?’

It wasn’t the alpha persuasion Christian would use on him. It wasn’t what his parents would say. Nate didn’t know what he needed, and for a few seconds, he had no answer. He wasn’t resisting the persuasion; his mind didn’t know what to do or what to reach for.

‘Help,’ Nate said, his face screwing up. Voice strained. ‘Help me.’

He expected Janusz to follow up with more persuasion, but Janusz stood and picked up Nate easily. He positioned Nate so he was chest down on the couch, and then straddled him soon after. It wasn’t quite mounting, but it was close enough. A hand came and rested in his hair, Janusz’ fingers curled into a loose fist, and the pulling on the strands wasn’t violent, but it was insistent and gave Nate something to focus on. That heavy sensation had him slumping into the cushions, still feeling overwhelmed and burdened, but for now, everything was less sharp.

‘Helping?’ Janusz checked.

‘I think so.’

‘What if I told you all this anger you have at yourself… Maybe it belongs to other people? Or society?’

‘At the very least, I was fucking stupid enough to get with someone none of you can stand. There’s nothing you can say that doesn’t stop me from hating myself for being a piece of shit.’

‘You’re smart, Nate. Smart enough to weaponise your feelings against yourself. Smart enough to give them reasons to exist. Instead of being angry because the world’s been unkind to you, and acknowledging you’re lost and confused and maybe even angry at me or Hillview for not being clearer with you, you make it something about yourself. Something you can fix, and something you can punish yourself for when you don’t fix it.’

‘Shut up,’ Nate said. He winced. ‘Christian would never let me talk to him like this. It’s poison.’

‘Christian didn’t want to hear you hating yourself like this?’

Nate laughed weakly. ‘I was allowed to hate myself. I just had to smile.’

Janusz’ scent turned heavy, angry, and Nate whimpered. His omega instincts still died hard. He hated when Janusz was angry.

‘It’s not you, sweetheart,’ Janusz said, gently shaking his head with the grip he had on Nate’s hair. Then he kissed the side of his face, lips lingering. Nate blinked out into the cottage and his breathing came easier.

‘You wanted to punish yourself for the accident? For dropping the kettle?’ Janusz asked, like he was checking. Nate nodded. ‘Why’d you want to fill the kettle, anyway? Were you thirsty? There was enough water in there for another drink.’

‘I wanted to be good,’ Nate said.

‘Ah, that’s better,’ Janusz said quietly. ‘That’s good, Nate. I can work with that. You want to be good for me?’

‘You’re going to tell me I can be good by just writing poetry, and healing, and I don’t want to- I want to be good. I want to be a proper omega. I want to think and do proper omega things.’

Janusz kissed the side of his head again and seemed lost in thought. After a moment: ‘I think you might be ready to see Bennett. What do you think about seeing a beta therapist sometimes?’

‘Because I’m so broken,’ Nate muttered.

‘Yeah,’ Janusz said, laughing.

Nate frowned. He twisted slightly to look up at Janusz. That wasn’t the response he was expecting, and Janusz’ laugh was gentle, and his expression was soft.

‘Yeah, babe. Because life has come at you like a road train, and you need some healing. People are so quick to say, “You’re not broken,” but it’s okay to admit you’ve been injured by life, to admit something in your spirit fractured. But things that are broken can be repaired. They can heal. They can recover.’

‘Or you throw them out?’

‘You’re a person, as much as you wish you weren’t sometimes. Just a person. You’re super special to me, but ordinary and like everyone else, too. You get to have a try at healing and repairs, and you also get to be sick of it, and want it all to go away. But we need to find some outlets for your anger that aren’t you hurting yourself or insulting yourself.’

‘Or yelling.’

‘Did Christian tell you not to yell?’

‘Of course he did,’ Nate said plaintively. ‘Because good omegas don’t-’

‘Gonna tell you a badly kept secret, Nate, but all omegas have emotions. They don’t all express them like you, and so what?’

‘I just…want to be normal.’

‘Mm. Going to use some persuasion, and then you’re going to get some rest.’

‘I already get too much r-’

‘What do you want when you think you want to be normal?’

The persuasion was heavy, and Nate was talking before he knew he was going to.

‘I want it all to go away,’ Nate whispered. He sniffed, crying silently before he knew he was going to. ‘I want to stop being so exhausted, so confused. I don’t want to feel things that hurt. I just want to make it stop.’

‘Good,’ Janusz said. ‘That’s so good. But you’re going to hate me, sweetheart, because being normal means you have to feel things that hurt. You can’t make the world work in a way where, if you’re good enough, as an omega, you don’t feel things that hurt you anymore.’

Nate placed a hand over his face.

‘Maybe I don’t want to be in this world then,’ he said.

‘I don’t blame you,’ Janusz said, wrapping arms around him. ‘You’ve had more than your fair share of pain. Of course you want to escape it. But maybe there’s other ways to escape it that aren’t like…dying or obliterating yourself. Mm? Maybe there are temporary escapes. What do you think about trying out some of those?’

‘I think you’re an a…’

‘Say it, babe,’ Janusz said. ‘Just say it.’

‘I can’t. You’ll tell me calling you names isn’t a very nice thing to do.’

‘Were you going to call me an asshole?’ Janusz said, sounding like he was smiling. ‘Yeah, I can take you calling me an asshole, Nate. That’s okay. How about some compromise while your anger is this sharp? You can call me an asshole sometimes. Go on. It’ll feel good.’

‘Can’t,’ Nate said. ‘Good omegas don’t.’

‘Babe, call me an asshole. I dare you.’

Nate’s face scrunched up stubbornly, and Janusz laughed again, and his arms tightened. He rocked Nate up into a sitting position, cradling him in his lap. It made Nate feel small, protected, and he felt selfish when he hid his face in Janusz’ shoulder.

The outburst from before felt strangely distant. He couldn’t connect with that forceful anger again, and instead felt a mixture of bemusement, tired despair, warmth. He was so tired he thought he could sleep. None of it made any sense.

‘Maybe you are an asshole sometimes,’ Nate whispered. ‘But you’re not like him.’

‘Christian?’

Nate shuddered, then nodded.

‘Going to take that as the highest of praise,’ Janusz said. ‘Best compliment ever.’

Nate didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t ready to admit Christian was terrible. But he could definitely tell the difference between Janusz’ approach and Christian’s.

‘And what about seeing a therapist?’ Janusz said. ‘I can be there during the first session, or I can wait outside, or nearby, and we can walk home together. You won’t have to tell me anything that happens in there if you don’t want to. Bennett will go over confidentiality with you, but the gist is if he thinks you’re a danger to yourself, or me, he’ll probably tell me. I might let him know you have self-harm tendencies.’

‘I don’t have…’ Nate frowned. ‘Is that-? Do I?’

‘Yeah, I think you might,’ Janusz said, laying each word down carefully. ‘It’s not so unusual. A lot of omegas can self-sabotage. Their self-harm might express itself in different ways, like refusing to nest. I think yours is a bit more on the surface, but it’s not something Bennett’s a stranger to.’

Nate pressed his lips together, shaking his head against Janusz’ shoulder. He couldn’t say no, but he didn’t want to agree. This was all overwhelming. What if Bennett hated him? What if Bennett said Janusz wasn’t being mean enough?

‘Also, I wanted to say thanks,’ Janusz said, ‘for showing me your anger.’

‘I don’t think I had much control over it,’ Nate said wryly.

Why would you thank me?

‘Maybe it felt that way, but I think you’ve had anger locked down for a long time. Maybe that’s why it’s burst out all twisted. Like a jack-in-the-box which needs to breathe sometimes. We’ll stretch it out, find ways for you to get some of it out of your system. You’re allowed to be angry, Nate. We all get angry. That’s a human thing.’

‘It’s just one more thing I’m getting wrong,’ Nate said tiredly.

‘It’s just one more thing you’re weaponising against yourself,’ Janusz said. ‘And that’s something you were taught to do. No kid learns how to do that without being taught how. Some lessons stick, especially when they’re reinforced.’

‘So I’m getting it wrong.’

‘Oh boy, you’re obsessed with moralising stuff, huh? Amazing. I mean, if you want to be a pedant about it.’

Nate’s lips quirked.

‘It’s not wrong,’ Janusz said, after some time passed, after Nate’s thoughts had loosened. ‘Not the way you mean it. You’re so good at language, you load words with all these hidden sentences and paragraphs no one else can see. So maybe someone could say something they were feeling was wrong, and it wouldn’t harm them. But you dumped a bunch of knives into that word, so you can swing it at yourself whenever you want.’

Well, all right, that was something Nate agreed with. He sighed. ‘Yeah. Maybe.’

‘We just have to figure out a way to load some words with stuff that isn’t knives,’ Janusz said.

Nate blinked sleepily and almost smiled. For all Janusz could be lightly self-deprecating about his own poetic abilities, he had a way of describing things that rang true and resonated. Nate imagined loading kind words with cakes, pretty flowers, sunsets and sunrises, and absurd as it was to think about, it felt good. He curled into Janusz’ body and wiggled his toes again. His foot throbbed, and it was definitely going to come up with a nasty bruise, but it wasn’t broken.

He hadn’t really wanted to fill the stupid kettle, anyway.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

‘I don’t have to talk to you,’ Nate said, folding his arms and staring at Bennett. ‘You’re not an alpha companion. I don’t have to say anything to you.’

The words shocked Nate, not because he’d thought them but because he’d said them aloud. Bennett had just shared a whole spiel about consent and confidentiality, feet on the floor in weathered brown shoes, and now he adjusted his glasses, and smiled faintly.

‘That’s true,’ he said.

‘What? Not going to tell me how surprised you are that I’m acting this way? Because I’m an atypical omega getting everything wrong?’

Bennett shook his head and wrote something down in his notepad. Nate took a short, terrified breath. Bennett couldn’t use alpha persuasion. His pheromones didn’t matter, and he looked mild and unthreatening and definitely not like someone Nate wanted to open up to.

Janusz was waiting in another part of the building. He said he’d be back in an hour. So what happened if Nate stormed out? Where would he go?

‘Technically, as an atypical omega, you’re doing remarkably well,’ Bennett said. His smile was soft. ‘What do you think it means to be an atypical omega?’

Nate stared at him. ‘I can tell what you’re doing.’

‘What am I doing?’

‘You’re trying to get me to share all the stupid things I think about atypical omegas so you can get in there with a scalpel and dissect it all and tell me how wrong I’m being about everything. I already know I’m getting it wrong. I don’t need your help.’

Bennett wrote something else, and Nate glared at the notepad. Bennett stopped writing, looked at Nate, looked at the notepad, and then licked his lips briefly before putting the notepad and pen down on the side table.

‘You can take notes,’ Nate said. ‘I didn’t say you couldn’t take notes.’

Bennett smiled again, this time looking pleased at something. Nate wanted to scream. He couldn’t be good. He wasn’t being good at all. God, if Christian saw him acting like this… God.

He was just proving to everyone how much he needed someone like Christian to control him.

‘So, therapy isn’t about me having secret tricks to play against you, surprising you with your own emotions or feelings, like a sneak attack,’ Bennett said quietly. ‘It’s obvious I want you to examine what you think an atypical omega is, so we can look at what you may think or feel about the concept that might be irrational or rational, as well as validate the emotions you’re having around that, and reframing some of it if necessary. We might do that because you’re struggling to do that on your own, or with Janusz’ help.’

‘I don’t want to feel good about it,’ Nate said.

‘That’s good to know. Perhaps now’s a good time to talk about what you want out of seeing me.’

‘I’m here because Janusz told me to come.’

‘It’s my understanding that you were given a choice in seeing me,’ Bennett said. There was something level in his gaze, unwavering, and Nate’s nostrils flared. He was a beta. Just a dumb beta. Nate didn’t have to listen to him. What could he know? He’d never understand.

Christian would hurt you so badly for being like this. Why are you being so mean to him?

Nate said nothing. He focused on controlling his breathing while Bennett looked out of the window towards an enclosed garden. A wisteria vine that was free of blossoms had climbed over the window through the years, Nate wondered how pretty it was in spring.

‘You’re here now,’ Bennett said. ‘You can definitely spend this hour in silence. I’m not going to stop you, it won’t count against you. But here are some ways we can use these sessions. You might want to better understand yourself and your relationship to the world around you. You might want a break from the world, or to learn how to escape or cope with your harsher thoughts about yourself. You might want to learn how to help Janusz more, and-’

‘-That one,’ Nate said quickly.

‘And how do you want to help him?’

Nate blinked and gestured absently at himself. ‘Fix me.’

Bennett considered Nate for some time, the silence felt disgusting. Nate was queasy, he wanted to shrink back into the comfortable chair.

‘Fix me,’ Nate said. ‘Bet you don’t get many omegas like me, do you?’

‘I’ve worked with atypical omegas before,’ Bennett said calmly. ‘I quite enjoy it. I think it’s a great shame alphas put the word “atypical” in front of them. It’s not a very accurate label, in my experience. I’ve known plenty of furious and rebellious omegas, no matter what label they’re under. They all have extremely good and valid reasons for being angry and rebellious. Every single one.’

‘And now you’ve met me, so you know it’s not true.’

‘Do you like to argue?’ Bennett asked.

‘What?’

‘I’m asking if you’re enjoying arguing with me.’

Nate didn’t. With every poisonous thing he said, he felt sicker, more nauseated. His heart was beating heavily, his legs were tense, he felt dizzy, yet he couldn’t make himself stop. Nate shook his head.

‘Thank you,’ Bennett said. ‘It doesn’t look like you’re enjoying it. So perhaps there are some different things going on here making you behave this way. I can see you’re trying to defend yourself as much as possible, even as you know it might result in an unwelcome response. I don’t want these sessions to be this challenging for you.’

‘You’re just a beta,’ Nate said.

‘That’s true,’ Bennett said. ‘Are you trying to insult me?’

Nate thought about all the times he implied Janusz was weak and swallowed at the thickness in his throat. He pushed back into the chair.

‘I’m not very easy to offend,’ Bennett said equably. ‘I am a beta, it’s true. Betas are excellent candidates as therapists in environments like Hillview, because alphas will almost never see me as a threat, and omegas don’t experience sexual chemistry with me. But I acknowledge I’ll never have any lived experience with what it’s like to be an omega, and I can’t fully imagine how difficult your life has been. Being a beta comes with its own privilege, after all.’

‘My life hasn’t been difficult. And I didn’t tell you that you couldn’t take notes. Did you just suddenly want to stop taking notes?’

‘No,’ Bennett said. ‘Do you dislike the idea of me writing notes about you?’

‘You can just tell me you think I’m fucking crazy.’

Bennett picked up his notepad, looked over his notes, then handed the notepad to Nate, holding it out in the air for him to take. Nate stared at the notepad with wide eyes, breathless, his heart skipping beats in a way that felt awful.

‘Take it,’ Bennett said. ‘Take a look.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Yes, you can,’ Bennett said quietly. ‘I want you to look at what I’ve written.’

‘But patients can’t see this.’

‘Sometimes that’s true. But right now you can. I’m giving you permission. Take a look, Nate.’

Nate’s throat made a dry sound as he reached for the notebook with shaking hands. He looked down at the handwriting. There wasn’t much yet, and it took a while for the words to make sense to his confused, frightened mind:

Nathaniel (prefers Nate) Prince. 23. W- Janusz.

Highly defended. Afraid (of punishment?), inv con wrongness.

Thinking errors. Inc support structures. Intelligent (gifted?), self-aware. Projection. CF.

Nate’s eyes roved over all of it and he grit his teeth together, he couldn’t tell what he felt.

‘What do the shortened things mean?’

Bennett held his hand out, and Nate gave the notepad back.

‘Investigate concepts of wrongness,’ Bennett said, looking at his own notes. ‘Inc support structures means “Include or incorporate support structures.” That’s a note to myself. That works better I’ve found for highly defended omegas. And, well, everyone who feels the need to defend so strongly. CF means “Careful.” It’s another note to myself.’

Nate swallowed. He was shaking. There was a pile of blankets – unscented – next to the chair and he wanted to grab all of them, but he refused.

‘I don’t feel well,’ Nate said.

‘Do you want me to get Janusz?’

Yes.

‘No,’ Nate said. He could get through one hour with a stranger. He’d be fine.

‘Do you want to pick up a blanket?’

Nate hesitated for a moment, then shook his head. Bennett nodded.

‘I’m not gifted,’ Nate said abruptly.

‘Why do you think that’s true?’

‘Someone gifted wouldn’t end up somewhere like here.’

Bennett’s smile was wry. He put the notebook down and leaned back in his chair, crossing his legs. He reached out for his glass of water and sipped at it, and Nate stared at his own glass of water. It had just been there when he walked into the room.

He reached for it now and took a sip as well, before putting it down.

‘How long do you think you’ve felt hostile to the people around you?’ Bennett asked.

It was a question Nate never expected. It was so direct, and somehow, it was easier to take than being told he was good.

‘Sometimes it feels like all my life,’ Nate said, listening to himself from a distance. ‘But I think it got bad when I was around ten or eleven.’

‘So you’ve had an awful lot of practice then,’ Bennett said. ‘Both at feeling it; and hiding that you feel it.’

‘I’m bad at hiding it.’

‘Perhaps. Do you think you’ve had a lot of practice feeling it?’

‘Yeah,’ Nate said. ‘I can’t make it stop. I’ve tried so many things. I thought I’d come here and just not talk. I didn’t know I’d be like this until I got here. Christian would be so mad.’

Bennett nodded. ‘Who’s Christian?’

‘You know, don’t you? You have my file.’

‘I do, but I’d rather hear it from you. Sometimes an alpha will say they’re someone’s spouse or partner, and the omega actually feels differently about what’s in the file. After all, you’re not allowed to fill it out yourself, are you?’

Nate reached out for a blanket without thinking and froze.

‘You can take one,’ Bennett said gently. ‘Please do. They’re here for you.’

‘They’re here for everyone,’ Nate said.

‘Right now, they’re here for you. Blankets you use will be put aside for you, and I’ll bring them out for you again if you decide to have future sessions with me. You can use as many as you like, and if none of these are quite right, you can bring ones from the cottage too.’

Nate’s hand hovered over the blankets, because he felt caught out, like he should hide. But the hiding instinct made him want to grab a blanket even more. Strong emotion crept through him, prickling at his eyes, the inside of his nose. He carefully picked the third blanket down, which looked heavy and was soft and dense without being velvety. He pulled it over his lap and clenched his fists into it.

‘Who’s Christian?’ Bennett asked. ‘Or is it not safe to talk about him right now? Do you want to wait for a later session to talk about him?’

Nate nodded.

‘I’m going to make a note about that, so I don’t forget,’ Bennett said.

‘You can take notes,’ Nate said, and Bennett smiled and kept the notepad in his lap.

Would Janusz expect Nate to be fixed after today? What a nightmare. Nate had come out swinging, and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked to someone like this. It felt petty and mean. Bennett was obviously trying to help. It was literally his job. Whatever “help” meant here.

‘I’m going to talk a bit more about my job, if you don’t mind,’ Bennett said. ‘First, my job isn’t to tell you that you’re being good or bad, or to say you’re doing things wrong. It’s not even really my job to tell you that you’re doing things right. I’m not an arbiter of morality, and I’m not some magistrate for omegas. Therapy with me usually means exploring things in your life – with your consent – that you can change to help you feel better about being in a hard world, ideally minimising harm to yourself and others – if that’s an issue – in the process.

‘I’ll be frank, a lot of omegas believe the only way they can feel better about functioning in this world is through being forced to be less themselves. But we have a lot of studies – I can send some to you – that show the opposite is true. Omegas often feel better about functioning in this world when allowed more choices, when allowed opportunities to try, to fail, to succeed without punishment and with significant support. That goes against a lot of what society is taught. Even very well-intentioned people in the world believe omegas do best when strictly controlled by others and often assume any behaviours they don’t like are because that control wasn’t strong or punishing enough. Again, we have studies that prove this isn’t true.’

Nate said nothing. He hadn’t expected Bennett would suggest sending studies to him. He didn’t know anyone did studies about this stuff.

‘Who are the studies by?’ Nate asked without thinking.

‘They’re by reputable organisations and academic institutes,’ Bennett said. ‘The Oxford Centre of Omega Theory has some of the best work coming out, but there are studies coming out of some great universities and think-tanks in Taiwan, Thailand, India, Australia, Scandinavia and a handful of other countries. But it takes time for this information to make its way into broader society. Especially in a society that’s taken for granted being able to treat omegas a certain way. And we all fall prey to that. Even Hillview is a part of that.’

‘Okay,’ Nate said.

Okay, he thought.

He kept expecting to feel something like anger or hostility, but he felt blank. He pulled the blanket higher up his body and leaned back in the chair, his position similar to Bennett’s, except that Nate had a blanket.

‘Since you’re so intelligent, and competent at using intelligence-based coping mechanisms to avoid understanding your needs better, would you be open to learning more about somatic therapy as a way of getting in touch with yourself?’

‘What does that mean?’ Nate asked, frowning.

‘Well, it’s like you using the blanket right now, a way of self-soothing. Somatic therapy with me involves using your body safely as a starting point for therapy instead of your mind. It would be with your consent, it’s completely non-sexual, and it would involve things like careful meditation, actions and exercises to relieve tension like big stretches, or using your hands to experience good textures, and titration, which would look like pulling back from things when they’re too overwhelming for your current tolerance levels, learning ways to alternate exploring difficult feelings with calmer ones. It also involves resourcing – looking at internal and external supports we can increase in your broader life to help you access more feelings of calm and safety among the distress you’re feeling.’

Nate frowned. The whole concept felt threatening, but differently to what he’d felt earlier when he thought Bennett was going to tell him he was wrong for being hostile, bad for being mean.

‘You’re remarkably quick,’ Bennett said. ‘I’m not interested in playing word games or mind games with you, because I think you’ve had a lot of practice weaponising your thoughts, and I think also weaponising the words of others against yourself. Tell me something. Do you find you have quite a strong, visceral response to things like mounting? Nesting?’

Nate stared down at the blanket and then nodded.

‘Do you dislike them?’ Bennett asked.

Nate shook his head.

‘That’s good. Do you sometimes find them challenging, anyway? Perhaps they bring up a lot of emotions or feelings in your body?’

Nate shrugged.

‘And…I think that’s your limit for today,’ Bennett said with a soft smile. ‘You’ve done such hard work, and I’m so proud of you for trying. I really admire how willing you were to protect yourself at the beginning of our session. It looks like it was quite overwhelming to open up with me. How about we call it here, and get Janusz back so you can get some rest?’

Nate blinked rapidly at the blanket. Because he hadn’t expected any of that. Bennett sounded like he meant all of it. It didn’t feel like the session was ending prematurely because Bennett hated him, even though Nate worried about it.

‘Have a think about somatic experiencing and somatic therapy. Look it up if you want to. You can research my qualifications too. Look me up under Bennett Symes. I have a website, you’re welcome to vet me. In fact, I encourage it.’

Nate took a shaking breath and choked up, tears coming to his eyes. He kept his eyes down but could see in the corners of his vision that Bennett had his phone out and put it back in his pocket after texting something.

‘Janusz will be here soon,’ Bennett said. ‘Let him take care of you today, Nate. Have a think about if you want to keep seeing me. You have a choice. You can take some time to reflect. Think it over.’

Nate nodded, pulling the blanket closer to himself.

‘You can take the blanket with you,’ Bennett added. There was a quiet knock on the door, and Bennett stood. ‘That will be Janusz. I’m just going to step outside for a second.’

Bennett didn’t fully close the door, and Nate heard him talking to Janusz in an undertone. He didn’t catch most of what was being said, staring down at the blanket instead. But he caught bits and pieces. Bennett saying Nate was overwhelmed and needed time to process. Something about it being a good first session, but that the future ones might also be shorter for a while, and how it was fine.

Nate tuned everything else out until Janusz stood next to him, encouraging him upright and taking hold of the blanket to help Nate carry it.

‘Let’s get you out of dodge,’ Janusz said warmly.

Nate nodded silently in response, and Bennett said farewell to them both, and Nate didn’t respond, because he didn’t know what to say.

The walk back to the cottage passed in a blur, and everything felt loose and strange until strong arms came around him in the cottage kitchen, and Janusz was hugging him so tight that Nate dropped the blanket and sagged, sniffling and sobbing weakly, holding onto Janusz’ shirt.

‘What’s wrong, baby?’

‘It’s so much,’ Nate said, his voice breaking. ‘It’s so much. He said all these things, and it’s all…different. I was so mean to him, and he was so nice to me. I want it to be true. It’s so hard.’

‘Yep, it’s way too hard to keep doing it today!’ Janusz said, squeezing him even tighter. ‘Let’s go lie down together. My bed today, okay?’

Nate nodded mutely, holding Janusz’ shirt tighter.

‘He said he was proud of me,’ Nate said. His voice got higher with distress. ‘Why would he say that? How can that be true?’

Janusz kissed his forehead, and resettled the blanket around Nate’s shoulders, and then held him. When Nate calmed a little, he drew him down the corridor and they both laid down on a bed that today had a zebra pattern on it. He didn’t even care that the print was horrendous, he just wanted to be on Janusz’ bed, and he wanted that motor oil and red berry winter scent that was sharp and cut through all the crap in his head.

Janusz didn’t exactly mount him, but he did tip Nate onto his front and laid half on top of him, his weight solid, soothing, and eventually so comforting that Nate’s fear dissipated, his tears dried. He laid there staring at nothing, as Janusz breathed on top of him.

‘Do I have to talk about it with you?’ Nate said sleepily.

‘Nope. What happens in those sessions belongs to you and Bennett, unless you want to talk about it with me.’

‘Can we go to the beach later?’

‘We can definitely go to the beach later,’ Janusz said, stroking his fingers over the back of Nate’s hand before holding it in a strong grip that made Nate feel anchored again.

Nate wanted to talk about all the things he disagreed with, all the terrible things he’d said, but he thought about how good Janusz’ weight felt on his back, and he stared at the blanket that Bennett let him take from his office.

Maybe Bennett wasn’t so bad.

Maybe.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

Nate was surprised when Bennett sent him an email of ten different studies on omega independence, and all came from very official journal names like: The Journal of Omega Theory and Research, or Secondary Gender Psychology and Sociology, or The Alpha and Omega Journal of Excellence. He was shocked to see Dr Gary’s name in the author list of two of the papers, and Dr Temsen’s name was in four. Often the papers were co-authored by like fifteen people.

‘That’s too many people,’ Nate muttered to himself.

He felt too intimidated to read them. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Bennett just showing him his notepad or leaving the door open when he talked to Janusz, so Nate could hear what he was saying. It was way too much freedom.

Way too much fucking freedom.

There was even a research paper in the list called: Concepts of Freedom and Self-Determination, a New Paradigm: Personal Autonomy and Presentation in Healthy and Unhealthy Omegas.

Nate wasn’t allowed to call anyone outside of Hillview still, and his email address was one that Hillview had assigned to him and monitored. He couldn’t send emails to anyone except for staff at Hillview.

But he could go to Bennett’s website on his phone and see how much of a crack psychologist he was. After reading a few of the pages, Nate sighed angrily and wrapped his arms around his shins and ground his teeth together when Janusz looked at him from the kitchen table.

Why was he angry again? He’d been so meek the day after the therapy session, but now he was freshly ready to say something nasty.

‘Do you think there’s medication that will stop me from feeling things I shouldn’t be feeling?’ Nate asked.

‘It’s not bad to have feelings, Nate.’

‘It feels bad,’ Nate said, then cleared his throat. ‘I’m not good enough to the people around me.’

‘Some emotions feel pretty awful,’ Janusz said, standing up and coming over. Nate looked at him warily as he sat next to him. ‘They don’t always make sense, but sometimes they kind of do? We feel bad when something’s unfair, because maybe that means we can look for ways to make it fairer. We feel bad when we have no power, because that’s scary and our body wants us to understand how scary it is.’

‘Omegas aren’t meant to have any power.’

‘Mmhm. I’m not going to fight with you today.’

Nate frowned, his forehead furrowing. ‘No, I wasn’t- I’m not…’

He rubbed at his face. It was exactly what he was doing. He used to do it with Christian too, in the beginning. Christian had been so patient with it, but he’d never missed an opportunity to point out how bad Nate was at being an omega.

Don’t worry, I’ll help you understand, Christian had said. But you can’t keep seeing that family of yours, Nate, because they’ve done this to you and it’s just going to make life really hard for you. They don’t mean to but look at how you talk to me.

The headache was mild but noticeable, Nate curled up tighter on the chair.

‘Why don’t you just use alpha persuasion to make me better?’

‘Well,’ Janusz said, ‘because I’m not really pro-brainwashing, because I don’t think we agree on what would make you better, but also alpha persuasion doesn’t last.’

Nate looked sidelong at Janusz, chin resting on his knee. He didn’t know how true that was. Christian’s alpha persuasion felt like it lasted a long time.

‘Okay!’ Janusz said, jumping up from the seat. Literally. He had so much energy it was appalling. ‘Let’s go do something. You’re in a heavy mood and you can have your heavy mood just as well somewhere else.’

‘I don’t want to do anything.’

‘I know,’ Janusz said, expression sobering. ‘I know, Nate. I’m going to give you a choice, and then that’s going to be the last choice I give you for a little while today, okay?’

Even after seeing all those studies on self-determination, Nate nodded in gratitude. He didn’t want to make choices. He wanted someone to show him how to be good.

‘All right. We can go for a drive somewhere to get you out of Hillview for a while. We might go out to eat, or we might go look at some trees. I don’t know yet. Or you can stay here, but you’re going to be in my room with me, and you’re going to spend a good few hours being mounted.’

Nate shivered. There was an authority in Janusz’ voice when he got like this which Nate found mesmerising. It was so strange to him that Janusz didn’t throw this side of himself around to get his way. It was obvious he could make omegas do what he wanted.

Nate couldn’t help the warmth he felt in his lower spine, even in his balls, when Janusz talked about mounting Nate for hours. He hadn’t said it to Janusz yet, but he was having responses to being mounted, even when the mounting wasn’t supposed to be sexual. He couldn’t help it. Something about Janusz’ scent, even his voice, when he got like that…

Truthfully, Nate didn’t remember his heat with Janusz very well. He remembered that it didn’t last as long as normal, and it wasn’t as painful as it should be, and that there wasn’t as much fucking as he expected. He remembered sitting on the floor in a pile of blankets while Janusz changed the bed. He remembered embarrassing himself by saying things aloud he normally tried not to say. He remembered feeling miserable, which was normal for a heat.

But the sex itself was kind of a blur. It was always a bit like that, when he was in heat. In some ways, it was better, because it meant when Christian brought in other people, Nate often wouldn’t remember their names. He might feel like trash, and worthless, but…somehow it helped not having clear memories of all these strangers fucking him.

Not strangers, Christian’s friends…

Nate almost wanted to say yes to the mounting. But he wanted to please Janusz, and he didn’t know if Janusz was attracted to him. Surely that happened, sometimes? Alphas were paired with omegas they weren’t into?

‘The drive,’ Nate choked out.

Both options weren’t bad. It wasn’t like he’d hate the drive. Being in a car and looking at the world going by sounded nice. Janusz put on music and let him stare out of the window. It helped.

‘Good boy,’ Janusz said, coming closer and ruffling his hair like he was a little kid. Nate ducked away, and Janusz laughed, and Nate looked towards the corridor to Janusz’ room and wished he’d chosen to be mounted. But wouldn’t that be boring for Janusz? It was obvious there was a right answer. Janusz loved driving. He’d said so many times, so…

Nate had chosen the right answer.

And it wasn’t even something that he hated. It was so much nicer here than it was when he lived at Christian’s.

*

The drive was long, and Janusz stopped off down side roads surrounded by jarrah and karri forest to let them stretch their legs. He didn’t seem to have a destination in mind, and Nate wondered for the first time that day if Janusz was actually okay. He didn’t talk about his trauma, about the trauma Nate had caused him. Nate knew Janusz tried to protect him, but he also suspected Janusz had the kind of personality where he tried to look on the bright side all the time and avoided thinking about harder things.

Nate kicked around some honkey nuts on the side of a road idly, while looking covertly at Janusz.

He was allowed to start conversations here, wasn’t he?

‘Are- Are you okay?’ Nate asked.

‘Hm?’

‘Just… I mean you seem okay, but you don’t talk much about- About how hard it’s been for you to be matched with me.’

Janusz’ smile was broad, even pleased, like he wasn’t about to get angry at Nate for commenting on his life. Sometimes if Nate told Christian he thought his PTSD was worse than usual, Christian absolutely lost it. And sometimes when Nate didn’t bring it up, Christian got angry at him for “never noticing” when his PTSD was worse than usual.

‘I mean, I have a supervisor for a reason,’ Janusz said, kicking one of the green honkey nuts back to Nate’s foot. Nate kicked it back to him, trying to use the side of his foot like Janusz did. ‘But most of the things that were making it hard aren’t as much of a problem now. I feel like I understand you a little better, and the repudiation – while fucking awful for you – I think cleared the air a bit. Were you worried about being mounted today?’

Janusz walked over, his feet crunching on the gravel on the side of the road, and Nate shrugged.

‘No,’ he said. ‘What happens when you get paired with an omega you’re not attracted to?’

Janusz leaned back against his car and looked at Nate like he understood exactly what he was thinking. It was an alpha expression. Nate didn’t know how to explain it, but it felt as visceral as being pinned to a wall.

‘It doesn’t really happen,’ Janusz said. ‘I mean, god, I don’t really know exactly how to explain it, but we focus on the bond, the omega. It’s not about… Like, provided the pheromones are compatible, there’s no problem.’

Nate wished he hadn’t asked. So Janusz could be attracted to anyone? Not that he wasn’t attracted to Nate, it was just…the same? All the time?

‘So I could be anyone,’ Nate said.

‘That would be easier,’ Janusz said. ‘But it’s not like that. I fall for every omega I’m paired with at some point, and that’s really hard. Eventually the omegas I’m with get paired up with someone else, they leave, and I’m broken-hearted all over again. In some ways, it’d be a lot easier if I wasn’t attracted to at least some of the omegas I’ve been paired with, but it’s never happened. I think the testing we undergo at Hillview makes sure we have the personality to bond quickly with omegas.’

Janusz had a way of talking that seemed weak. It was so vulnerable and fragile. Didn’t he know how many weapons he was giving someone like Nate? What about another alpha who wanted to take him down? Nate knew they’d talked about concepts of weakness and strength, but he didn’t know what to do with Janusz’ honesty sometimes. Christian would have disdained him.

‘You fall for them?’

‘Mmhm, yeah.’

‘So you love them all?’ Nate said, double-checking.

‘Yeah,’ Janusz said, his eyes bright and open. They were pretty, even from a distance, like the underside of a storm cloud.

‘So I guess you’re getting a break from that with me,’ Nate said.

‘What makes you think I don’t love you?’ Janusz said.

He said it in the same tone of voice that he’d said everything else. Nate almost didn’t understand at first. And then the words registered, and he had to swallow several times, feeling scared and sick, like he had to apologise for tricking him.

‘We’re not like a regular ORF,’ Janusz added, when Nate couldn’t answer. ‘We’re not a place where alphas are hired based on their ability to rape a bunch of omegas at once and callously break them all. It’s kind of the opposite of that. We’re literally hired on our capacity to…have compassion, be willing to love, be open to grief and heartbreak. I’m sure you think of that as a weakness. I see it as a strength. But yeah, you’re pretty hard not to fall in love with.’

Nate took an involuntary step backwards. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said.

‘Why, baby?’ Janusz said, stepping away from the car and walking towards him. ‘Does it scare you to know I feel this way?’

‘I didn’t mean to make you feel- I wasn’t trying to trick-’

‘-I know,’ Janusz said, reaching for Nate’s arm when he was close enough and wrapping a firm hand around it. ‘I know you weren’t. I don’t blame you, Nate. I’m not angry.’

‘But I’m not like the other… I’m not worth feeling heartbreak over.’

‘Baby,’ Janusz said in a quiet voice. ‘You don’t know that. And it’s not your decision to make. It’s my decision.’

‘But you don’t get a choice who gets assigned to you, right? It just…happens.’

‘I always have choices. I can quit my job. I can insist – based on our first meeting – that it’s just not going to work.’

‘But I was in heat, so you had no choice.’

‘There’s always a choice,’ Janusz said, pulling Nate into his body.

Nate pressed his lips together and shook his head. ‘Is it a… Is it something in the alpha companion rulebook? To tell someone you’re in love with them?’

‘No,’ Janusz said. ‘It’s in the rulebook that we should be open to the feeling, but if and how I tell you? That’s fully up to me. I’m sorry, Nate, I’m not the kind of person to take you to a restaurant and make a grand proclamation that’s very showy. I’m not bombastic like that.’

Bombastic’s a good word. I wouldn’t have thought he knew the meaning of it.

‘I’m just…me,’ Janusz said, laughing. ‘I’ll tell you how I feel while we stand on a roadside, and I’m the kind of person who knows it’s hard for you to hear. I still think it’s better that you know. We can have conversations about it. It’s not such a sacred, special subject, even though it matters to me. The feeling is important, of course it’s special, but the subject is something I’d rather we can talk about, like other conversations. I can handle it if you don’t love me back. I’m a big boy.’

Nate laughed absently at the phrasing. He felt strange and warm to be close to Janusz like this, to have this alpha’s arms around him.

‘I wanted to… I wanted to choose the second option,’ Nate said hoarsely.

‘The mounting?’ Janusz said, double-checking.

Nate nodded.

‘Were you scared I wasn’t attracted to you? That I didn’t have feelings for you? Baby, I’m never going to give you two choices where I’m not fully willing to do both. Where I’m not happy to do both.’

‘That’s not true,’ Nate said. ‘You…gave me the choice to call Christian. You weren’t happy about it.’

‘No, Temsen did that,’ Janusz said into Nate’s hair. ‘Temsen gave you that choice. I couldn’t do it. But I get it, you’re right, sometimes I will give you choices where I might have a preference. Today I would’ve been super happy with either. Maybe you’re scared of being mounted for that long, yeah?’

‘Maybe,’ Nate admitted.

‘I get a lot out of it too, you know.’

Nate wondered how it worked. Did Nate admit he was interested in something more, maybe even something sexual, and then was that it? Janusz could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted?

Hillview didn’t seem like it worked that way, but Nate didn’t know. And he feared both options. What if Janusz gave him choices about it? What if Nate chose when they had sex, outside of his heat?

What did that mean?

‘Bennett sent through all these studies about how omegas have better outcomes if they’re given choices, but I don’t want choices,’ Nate said, feeling small.

‘You have to read the studies first to really understand them,’ Janusz said, swaying them both gently in the cool shade of the trees. ‘They’re pretty clear omegas respond really well to alpha guidance and enjoy having choices made for them as long as they can also make choices for themselves when necessary. Finding the balance in that is a journey. Learning how to make choices when you’re terrified of things going wrong because of them? That’s hard. That doesn’t mean it’s always going to be this scary. It’s really not bad that you want me to decide for you.’

Nate closed his eyes.

Christian used to reassure him in the beginning too, but in retrospect, everything was transactional. If Christian reassured him, Nate owed him something for it. If Christian said something nice, it was usually after he’d said something that hurt Nate’s feelings. But the looming dread at seeing Christian the way everyone else at Hillview seemed to, was too big to invite into himself. He wasn’t ready. It would kill him, and he didn’t want to see Christian the way the others did.

‘Christian could be bombastic,’ Nate said quietly. ‘He was someone who liked grand declarations. I don’t think I’m that kind of person. Uncle Corbyn once called me a library. I was little, and I don’t remember why he said it, but I’d never been compared to something like that before and I liked it.’

‘He must have thought you knew a lot of things,’ Janusz said.

‘He said I had lots of books in me, and it would take me a long time to read them all.’

‘That’s a really cool way of thinking about it. Maybe I have lots of cool cars in me, and it’s going to take me a long time to drive them all.’

Nate’s nose wrinkled, but he imagined a large fancy car yard, and all the sporty cars Janusz would drive, and it seemed to suit him.

‘Maybe each car suits different adventures,’ Nate said.

‘I like that! That’s such a cool way of thinking about it. I’d definitely need some kind of Jeep for off-roading. We could go surf the sand-dunes in Lancelin. I bet you’ve never been sand boarding before, have you?’

Nate didn’t know what to do with Janusz saying that he loved him. He didn’t know what he felt. His nascent desire seemed such a pathetic offering in exchange.

‘And if you don’t want to go sand boarding,’ Janusz continued, ‘you can always watch me look really awesome on the dunes until I stack it and make a fool out of myself.’

Nate smiled.

He looked up at Janusz, and for a second the atmosphere altered, and Nate was sure Janusz was about to kiss him. The moment passed, and Nate shivered and pressed his face back into Janusz’ shoulder.

Would he have wanted the kiss?

Yeah, maybe.

‘Let’s go find a nice beach,’ Janusz said.

‘It’s cold.’

‘Yeah, so let’s go find a nice moody beach with lots of rocks and twisted up, gnarled trees, because that seems like the kind of thing you’d like.’

‘What about- What would you like?’

‘Don’t you know yet? I like being with you.’

Nate pressed closer, felt like he was taking a huge risk, but all Janusz did was keep him close and make him feel sheltered. Nate squeezed his eyes shut. It felt like a dream. He’d been so angry before, and now… He knew it was Janusz’ job to be like this with him, but he made it all seem so real. The side effect of his vulnerability, his transparency, was that alongside the weakness, Nate thought he just seemed to be himself. He liked that. It was simple and inviting.

They stood for a while longer, swaying in small movements as the winds kicked up around them sometimes, or the odd car drove by. Even though they were in public, and anyone could see them, Nate felt ensconced, like they’d created something private.

His eyes wandered the landscape and for the first time in what felt like years, he saw poetry in the world around him, melancholic, soft, and gentle.

Uncle Corbyn said he had a library in him, Janusz said he liked being with him, and Nate felt like a shipwreck in the sea of his own life.

But he’d always liked the twisting shapes of driftwood. Even if the idea set off a dark fear in his bones, perhaps he could do something with the shipwreck of his past and make a new life for himself and it could include moments like this, standing on the side of the road, honkey nuts around their feet, swaying with the alpha who said he loved him.

Chapter Text

Janusz

*

‘Your instincts were right on the money again,’ Temsen said, and smiled. ‘It wasn’t too early to take Nate out into the world. He’s making substantial progress now. The repudiation kicked off some big shifts, but everything we’ve been seeing since is down to both of you doing the work.’

Janusz nodded. He hated this point in his life where he loved an omega and had to spend weeks agonising over the possessiveness of wanting to keep them with him. He wanted to keep Nate so badly. It felt worse than the others, but it made sense, because he’d been through more severe traumatic events with him.

It was harder to admit it to Temsen, because they’d been down this path before, and it was always the same. After all, his willingness to go through this part was the reason alpha companions were paid so much. It was the reason he could pay off his parent’s house and give them somewhere secure to live, so they didn’t have to worry about it when they were older.

‘I love him,’ Janusz said roughly. ‘More, I mean, than the others.’

Temsen nodded, Janusz nodded.

‘You’re going to say it’s about everything we’ve been through together,’ Janusz said.

Temsen just watched him, gaze somehow a mix of sympathetic and probing. Janusz’ instincts were to wall himself back up, to never give these parts of himself to a peak alpha. He forced himself to breathe through the fear of being seen, being understood, and the vulnerability that made him crave a show of strength.

He thought of Nate’s ideas of weakness and couldn’t help but smile to himself. Yeah, in a lot of ways, Janusz understood exactly where Nate was coming from. But sometimes feeling strong was just feeling like he had a good fortress in the place where trust and security should be.

‘I don’t think he loves me back,’ Janusz said.

There. That one fucking sucked. Their bond was definitely growing. Janusz could smell it in Nate’s scent as he grew healthier. Mostly he smelt like the rain, but now and then Janusz would lift his head, his nostrils would flare, and he’d catch the faintest hint of jasmine on a fresh breeze. Nothing strong or overwhelming, so subtle he’d thought the gardeners had planted some on the property. When they’d been out on a drive, Janusz picked it up in the car and it clicked.

There was something so soft about the fact that it was jasmine, and it was faint. It wasn’t heavy or saturating, it wasn’t cloying, it was tantalising. A scent that lured him like he was a kid again, following his nose to the jasmine in his neighbour’s garden, seeing the flowers at night.

Janusz stretched his arms in front of him. It really was the worst part of the job. This, and the agony after the omega he’d bonded to left him behind. He needed sedatives the last time, to stop himself from getting in his car and driving to the omega’s new address and either grabbing him or making sure he was being treated well. There was a reason they weren’t told where the omegas were going, weren’t allowed to contact them.

‘Do you think there’ll ever be an easier way to do this?’ Janusz said. ‘For all of us?’

‘I don’t know,’ Temsen said, sighing like he’d heard all of Janusz’ thoughts. He’d probably heard versions from many alpha companions over the years, ones that had already retired out because it hurt too much, the ones who were still doing it. ‘Maybe one day a future exists where there just needs to be less of us. I can almost picture it, a world where omegas make their own choices about these matters. Maybe they hire an alpha consultant to review their relationship, or even an omega consultant, and if things aren’t going well, people mobilise to take care of them long before they ever need an alpha companion like the ones at Hillview. But for now, we have the system we have. After Nate, you don’t need to force yourself to be a part of it.’

‘You think I’m that close to leaving?’ Janusz said. ‘I know I got intense when he was in the clinic, but we’ve had some time together now and I understand…there’s someone better out there for him. Or, not better, but someone he’ll bond with strongly.’

‘Our practices have hurt you badly,’ Temsen said, grimacing. ‘When you brought up a lawsuit, I was initially angry, then I realised you were completely correct, of course, and we’d done a terrible thing to you and Nate.’

‘But you won’t spend time vetting omegas first, will you?’ Janusz said, hand clenching on the armrest.

‘Right now, we prioritise the bond more than anything else,’ Temsen said, looking away like he understood it wasn’t a good option. ‘But this session isn’t about trouble-shooting Hillview’s intake processes. There’s always the monthly companion meeting for that. I want to focus on the fact that our practices have hurt you, and Nate, and on top of that, you know you’re facing another experience of love and then grief and loss, and you can already tell it’s going to be acute. Janusz, people have retired for less.’

Janusz sighed, rubbed his forehead. Yeah, no, he’d planned to do this for at least a decade or more. He was pretty sure he’d be one of the rare long-termers. Sure, grieving was painful. Alphas weren’t supposed to lose omegas they’d bonded to at all, let alone often, but it was doable. He only needed to think of his priorities – his parents, his future – and it was possible to keep going.

‘Nate’s not going to be fast like the other omegas you’ve paired with,’ Temsen added. ‘This isn’t a three month or six month process. You have time to settle in. It’s not like the past where you’ve only just bonded and then they go.’

‘That doesn’t make it easier,’ Janusz said, laughing. ‘Or maybe it does. I just wish he felt the same way. If I was going to retire anyway, he could be with me then, couldn’t he?’

Temsen gave him the look which meant Janusz wasn’t wrong, exactly, but that this kind of rationalising was something all alpha companions did at this stage. They all had at least one omega they wanted to fully bond with and claim, Hillview didn’t want to lose alpha companions to omegas, and Janusz had sworn to himself he wouldn’t be an alpha who quit after only helping rehabilitate one or two omegas.

Easy come, easy go. Of course, it wasn’t easy, but the philosophy helped him through it all.

Except for now.

The session swung towards Nate’s welfare, and Janusz’ growing awareness that Nate might be ready for sexual contact earlier than he and Temsen thought. Janusz could tell Nate was getting hard when he was mounted every time now, and there were ways Nate looked at him which, from other omegas, would be an open invitation. Nate hated making choices that put him in vulnerable positions, and Janusz had given him the mercy of not forcing honest answers with alpha persuasion, but he knew he might have to.

Nate carried so much rage, but he also carried a soft omega inside who needed touch, love, comfort, and also – when he wanted it – sex.

Janusz wanted to make sure that if Nate was feeling readiness now, they knew what sex was like before his next heat. Janusz wanted to make sure the heat was as safe for him as possible, and that wouldn’t happen if he sexually repulsed Nate, or terrified him.

Towards the end, Temsen tapped his pen on his chair a few times before making some more notes.

‘Bennett says Nate’s still having the shorter sessions. Is that correct?’

‘Yeah. Bennett introduced Nate to the concept of flooding, and explained that he gets flooded quickly. Right now Bennett’s choosing to pull back when it happens, and I think it’s a good call, personally.’

‘So do I,’ Temsen said. ‘It gives Nate the understanding that alphas and betas don’t have to push him all the time.’

‘I want to find out more about his parents,’ Janusz said. ‘Nate says they were betas, and basically harmless, but…’

‘…I know,’ Temsen said, frowning. ‘The neglect that can happen with beta parents can be alienating and damaging. They seem like they genuinely meant well, from all you’ve said, and all Nate has reported.’

‘There’s just something about that family I can’t quite wrap my head around. I know you’re more reluctant on this side of things, but I’d love to see if we can send an invitation out to Corbyn Prince, that omega uncle I’ve mentioned. He seems bold enough that we might get an accurate picture of the family line, and Nate’s been walled off from his parents by Christian’s abuse. He’s not ready to even text them yet. Corbyn seems to be accessible to him mentally, the one he talks favourably about the most. Also- Did I ever send you some of Corbyn’s writing?’

‘I’ve read it before,’ Temsen said, smiling and putting his notepad down. ‘Believe it or not, he’s well-known in omega activist circles. Even though I don’t think he’d call himself an activist, his writings have inspired a movement. I wonder if he knows how much of a role model he is to many of the omegas in those meetings?’

‘So you’re open to it? Me inviting him?’

‘If you can get through to him, be my guest. Check with Nate first – he might have a number or an email address in mind. Corbyn doesn’t give interviews, and he’s notoriously hard to access. It’s rare people even know where in the world he is.’

Janusz nodded, felt the strange nervousness he always felt at the idea of meeting a family member of an omega. It was always an event, because sometimes he never knew how abusive someone was until that person was right in front of him. But something about Corbyn’s writing gave him a good feeling.

The session wound down, and Janusz walked back to his home-away-from-home, excited to see Nate, even if Nate wasn’t excited to see him.

He’d have to work on remembering that the grief would come no matter how he worried about it, so the most important thing he could do today was focus on the present, the bond, and the omega who either waited for him, or wrote with that far-off look in his dark brown eyes.

*

‘Did it go okay?’ Nate asked, standing by the table when Janusz came home. A smell of coffee in the air, and a cup waiting on the counter, just a single one. Nate didn’t drink coffee often, and he knew Janusz liked it.

Janusz smiled, Nate didn’t smell distressed, so this could actually be because he wanted to make it, not because he felt like he had to.

‘It did!’ Janusz said. ‘I mean, it was a hard session, but a good one. Did you make this for me?’

Nate pressed his lips together and ducked his head. ‘I didn’t know if you wanted one.’

‘God, no, I’d love a coffee, seriously.’

‘You make one when you come back, sometimes.’

‘I do,’ Janusz said, grasping the dark blue mug handle and sipping at the coffee. It was stronger than he normally made it for himself, but it tasted great, and he took another sip, going back into that strange blend of work-relationship mode, where he tried to assess the situation. Nate genuinely seemed all right.

They expected this, too. Many omegas realised they didn’t like housework and stopped doing it and then had to process guilt and loss of identity that came with realising they didn’t have to exist for service jobs. But after a period, some would build back in small acts of care like this, and Janusz hadn’t expected it from Nate, but if that was happening now, it was lovely to see.

‘You didn’t make yourself anything?’ Janusz said, and Nate shook his head, then pointed at the glass of water on the table. ‘This coffee is perfect, by the way.’

‘I- I mean I didn’t… I thought maybe I put too much coffee in, and that maybe I burnt it, or didn’t wait long enough for the water to cool so it didn’t scald the-’

‘-It’s instant coffee, baby,’ Janusz said, taking another long drink from the cup before walking over and pulling Nate close. ‘I don’t think I can tell the difference between scalded ground coffee or not.’

I bet Christian couldn’t either, the dickhead.

Nate sagged into him, the tension that had been in his body early on no longer present as often. He took deep breaths that expanded his lungs, and Janusz felt warm and hungry at the knowledge that Nate was grounding himself in Janusz’ scent, even when they’d only been apart for such a short period.

At least he doesn’t hate my scent.

‘Have you been writing?’ Janusz said, looking at the closed journal. Nate was leaving them around sometimes, though it felt more like a test than something comfortable. Nate often looked between the journal and Janusz, waiting for Janusz to yank it up and read through everything and mock him for it.

It was a shame Janusz couldn’t just drive off, kill Christian real quick, and then come back to Hillview and experience zero consequences for his actions.

‘Yeah,’ Nate said. ‘Just- Little things. I know I should probably cook or something.’

‘Nope. The only thing you have to focus on is recovery.’

‘I don’t even know what that means, though,’ Nate said. ‘Recovering to what? A useless omega who just writes stuff all day?’

‘You’re not useless,’ Janusz said. ‘Besides, yeah, maybe. I don’t know if this is going to be it for you, baby, because you’ve got all this drive inside you. Whether you become a professional writer, or end up doing something else, I think one of your biggest challenges is learning you have value just by existing. You don’t have to earn it through working hard.’

‘But you’re working hard,’ Nate said. ‘Every day.’

‘You mean because I’m an alpha companion?’

Nate nodded, head moving against his chest.

‘It’s not that hard,’ Janusz said, smoothing his hand over Nate’s hair. Nate worried about him a lot more than he let on. ‘And if that’s working hard by your standards, then you’re working really hard, too. You have sessions with Bennett, you’re trying to look at the world differently, you’re trying new things.’

‘Yeah,’ Nate said, his voice lower. He’d pressed closer, his fingers tangling in the cotton of Janusz’ shirt.

The first time they progressed their relationship to something sexual outside of a heat, Janusz didn’t want it to be through mounting. He was mentally firm about that. Mounting had to stay safe for Nate, even if it turned him on, even if it was something he experienced during his heat. Outside of that, Janusz wanted to keep it a comfort-only act.

Normally, Janusz wouldn’t even be thinking about sex at a time like this, but there was something in how Nate pressed close to him, which made him think…

…Maybe Nate was thinking about it?

What was the best way to do this? Alpha persuasion? A conversation? Nate hated choices about things he thought he’d be abused or punished over, and sex was loaded for him. He’d been gang-raped and likely pimped out by Christian, and Janusz wasn’t even sure if Nate liked sex.

Maybe that was where they had to start.

‘Hey,’ Janusz said softly, ‘I wanted to ask you some questions. I’m going to give you a choice now about whether or not you want to answer them, okay?’

Nate tensed, then nodded. The fear didn’t spike too badly. Nate was slowly trusting him, and Janusz felt as though he cradled that trust like an egg with a thin shell.

‘I want to have a conversation about sex with you, what you like and don’t like. It might be hard for you, but I think you’re ready. So… Do you want to have that conversation today? Or do you want me to check in about it in a few days instead?’

Nate was silent for a long time, then clutched harder at Janusz’ shirt.

‘Is today okay?’ he said, and Janusz felt a low heat inside him, because yeah…man, he was so good at reading situations like this. Nate had been ready for this, probably for a little while.

‘It’s totally okay,’ Janusz said.

Nate nodded, and he didn’t move, and Janusz thought about taking him to the beach, or on a drive, but in the end he guided him over to the couch and took a deep breath to steady himself.

There, in the back of his nose, the faintest hint of jasmine, inviting him to keep exploring the wonderful man who was opening up to him, sharing his life with him.

Janusz hadn’t been lying when he said it was easy to love Nate.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

Nate was scared, but he let Janusz lead him over to the couch and he sat, already having the side he liked sitting on the most. Janusz always let him sit there. Christian made a point of never letting Nate have a preferred side of the bed, the couch, any table. If he had a place he returned to several days in a row, Christian would sit there and make him go somewhere else.

Janusz never did that. He didn’t even seem to think it was a behaviour he needed to correct.

Most mornings, Nate now woke up with his dick erect, and if he turned towards Janusz, that scent would have him wanting more. This morning was intense, he’d pressed his hand into his pelvis above his dick, and his ass clenched like he was about to spill slick. He didn’t; he wasn’t due a heat, and he needed more direct stimulation to make slick at all outside of a heat. But the thoughts were there.

Sometimes he was too scared of sex to think about it, and sometimes he was sure Janusz might be better at it than Christian, a thought that felt so mean-spirited he tried to ignore it. Instead, he kept imagining things, and too many of his strange little poetry-diary entries turned towards thinking about Janusz’ hands on his body, his nose at the back of his neck, thumbs digging possessively into the skin at the base of his spine.

‘It’s going to be really tempting for you to tell me what you think I want to hear,’ Janusz said, his voice deeper, rougher than before.

Was Janusz thinking about sex, too?

‘But I want you to try your hardest to make me happy by being honest, okay?’

Nate grimaced. He hated when Janusz did this. He hadn’t realised until Janusz pointed out the difference, that saying what the other person wanted to hear wasn’t just about making his life as smooth as possible, it was also convenient for never having to think about what he really wanted, never getting it, or getting it and finding out he didn’t actually want it.

‘First, I want you to tell me if you think the omega should get a say in what the alpha wants or does when it comes to sex?’

Nate shook his head vehemently, and Janusz nodded slowly, like he wasn’t surprised. Nate wondered if he’d asked these exact questions to omegas in the past and felt a strange cold rush of nausea.

‘That’s pretty normal,’ Janusz said, instead of saying it was something they needed to fix, and Nate was relieved, closing his eyes briefly. There were things he didn’t enjoy doing, but ultimately, making his alpha happy…

He couldn’t describe how much he needed to do it, and he knew no one would believe him, because he was so bad at it most of the time.

‘I know there are things you probably really don’t enjoy doing, so for me to take more control in that area, I need to know what those things are. Because I want you to be happy as well. And you’ve been made to do things you never wanted to do. So let’s start with something easy first, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Nate said.

‘You said you didn’t mind blowjobs once. Is that true?’

Nate nodded.

‘What about really rough ones?’

‘If it makes you happy, I-’

Nate closed his mouth at the stern expression on Janusz’ face. Nate brought his legs up onto the couch and cleared his throat. He found it so hard to avoid the truth when Janusz looked at him like that. Like he already knew Nate was lying.

‘I don’t… I don’t like skull fucking,’ Nate whispered.

‘Good boy,’ Janusz said warmly. ‘Thanks for telling me that. What about receiving blowjobs?’

Nate shrugged. He didn’t know.

‘What about both of us jerking off in front of each other?’

Nate hesitated. He wanted to see Janusz do that, but he didn’t want to do it. Orgasms didn’t feel right without an alpha causing them, and he made a sound of embarrassment when he realised Janusz really wanted to talk about this shit, and not just ask him if he was okay with being fucked and then just going for it.

‘Is that a no?’ Janusz prompted.

‘I…’ Nate swallowed. His body flushed with heat. ‘It’s- I don’t want to do it. But you could. I want- I could watch.’

‘That sounds hot,’ Janusz said, laughing in a friendly way. And Nate knew this was some kind of clinical information gathering session, but all he could think about was the hazy memories he had of Janusz’ hands on him.

‘Why don’t you ever touch my Kaeper glands?’ Nate asked suddenly. ‘I mean, I know you’ve done it a couple of times, but not like- Not often.’

‘Is that something you like?’

Nate nodded, his eyes widening when Janusz moved over on the couch and slid an arm around his shoulders. Quickly, easily, Janusz’ thumb brushed over the glands at Nate’s neck, on either side of his spine. And Nate stilled, then exhaled shakily, eyelids fluttering.

‘Like that?’ Janusz said quietly. He pressed in harder when Nate nodded, massaged in little circles that had Nate’s ass clenching on nothing at all. ‘The reason I didn’t do often is because there was a time when I think you didn’t really want a sexual relationship with me outside of heat management. We’re trained as alpha companions to be okay with that. But it’s been hard not touching you here. And you like it so much, don’t you?’

Nate made a small, closed-mouthed sound of agreement. A little hum.

‘Yeah, you’re nice and sensitive, and these are a bit swollen, hey. Have you been feeling needy with no one touching you lately?’

Nate frowned, forced his eyes open and stared at the coffee table. He hated the word needy.

‘Are you going to bring other people in? To fuck me? I know you said…Hillview didn’t do that, but are-’

‘I would never do that to you, whether it’s in Hillview’s rules or not,’ Janusz said firmly. ‘Never.’

‘It’s just that I don’t- I don’t want just anyone to touch me, just…’

Just you.

‘I’m sorry, baby, I’ll be more specific next time. That’s a sensitive subject, of course it is.’

Nate wanted to disagree, but with Janusz touching him like this, he couldn’t lie. He couldn’t even lie to himself. When Janusz’ fingers stretched up and tousled the hair at the top of his neck, Nate sucked in a breath. Christian used to grab him by the neck and dig his thumbs into Nate’s Kaeper glands, and it hurt, but it still turned him on. Christian used it to distract him from things he didn’t like.

Janusz doing it like this felt different.

‘Do you like being knotted outside of a heat?’ Janusz said.

‘Can you?’ Not every alpha could.

‘Mmhm. That’s definitely something I could do with you,’ Janusz said.

‘Y-yeah. I think so.’

‘You have some scarring, so we’d need to be mindful of that.’

Nate nodded and closed his eyes again. It was just easier to block the world out. Christian never asked him about things like this unless it was to humiliate him, often in front of others, and while Nate knew Janusz wasn’t trying to do that, it was still embarrassing. These were things that felt too raw to share with anyone, which was darkly hilarious given he’d shared a heat with Janusz before knowing how to spell his name.

Janusz had told him he loved him. Nate unconsciously leaned into Janusz’ touch at the back of his neck, his breath hitching when Janusz responded by pushing in harder, massaging firmly.

‘You’ve wanted this for a while, baby?’ Janusz said, his voice quiet but intense.

Nate nodded.

‘Do you like being rimmed?’ Janusz asked.

‘I like doing it sometimes, if I’m allowed to breathe.’

Something about Janusz’ movements changed. He didn’t stop, but Nate could tell he didn’t like something about the way he’d phrased it.

‘I mean, if you want-’

‘I’m not unhappy with you, Nate. I just have a lot of feelings towards Christian that aren’t very nice.’

‘Okay.’

‘What about receiving?’

‘I don’t know,’ Nate said.

‘God, that douche,’ Janusz said, laughing. ‘He was missing out on so many awesome things. Okay, what about grinding? Do you like that?’

‘It’s messy,’ Nate said, and then shook his head. ‘Don’t like how messy it gets.’

‘What about if we were naked? And cleaned up straight after?’

Nate frowned. He didn’t really hate the idea, and it felt weird to have a preference at all based purely on mess. He got so wet and messy during a heat after all.

But he hated that too.

‘No?’ Janusz said softly. ‘That seems like a no, baby. Let’s just leave that one for now. What about if I fucked you between your thighs?’

‘…Why?’

‘What do you mean?’ Janusz said.

‘What does anyone get out of that?’

Janusz laughed softly, even sweetly, but the fingers stimulating his Kaeper glands were making him aware that Janusz had an intensity to him that was walled away most of the time, and when it came out, Nate just wanted to go to his knees for him.

‘Well, your hole might be sore or worn out, and it can feel good if you tense your thighs and keep them close together, and it gives a part of you a break. But we’ll put that on the “maybe later” table, since it sounds like you have little interest.’

‘I really will just…do whatever you want,’ Nate said. ‘I know- I know you’ll tell me you want to know what I want. And there are things I don’t like, especially if it involves choking, or not being able to breathe properly. I know that makes me a poor omega, but with everything else, I like it more if I don’t decide. Like, you- You can come up to me and just…do things to me.’

Janusz took a slow breath. ‘Did you like that with Christian?’

‘At first, yes,’ Nate said, knowing he’d be struggling to be this honest if it wasn’t for the distraction of Janusz’ hand at the back of his neck, all the movement sending heat down his spine, his dick half-hard, his ass empty. ‘Later it…meant he thought- I don’t know what he thought. That he could do anything. Later I got it wrong, because it stopped making me happy.’

‘Or,’ Janusz said, his tone softening, ‘maybe it meant Christian abused your willingness to please your alpha. He took advantage of something you offered in good faith, something that should be cherished.’

Nate looked sidelong at Janusz, and he wanted to disagree. He did. There was nothing about him that was special, but he hadn’t known when he told Christian that he could do what he wanted, it would mean bringing other people into the house and making Nate do whatever they wanted.

‘So, in light of all this, we’re going to tread gently,’ Janusz said. ‘There’s probably a part of you that wants to do more, so you might get impatient with me. Please be patient with me, Nate. I want both of us to have a good time.’

‘I just don’t want…’ A thick silence, and Nate knew Janusz was going to prompt him, and winced. He’d never been honest like this with anyone in his entire life. Especially not in a situation where – if he said he couldn’t talk anymore – Janusz would stop.

It left Nate breathless sometimes, and wanting to cry, like life was getting too easy. Like it was going to hurt way worse when it all disappeared.

‘I just don’t want you to share me,’ Nate said, his voice breaking. ‘I can handle so much stuff, but I- Maybe I’m fragile, or weak, like he said, but I can’t-’

Fingers tightening around the back of his neck, a firm grip that had Nate’s spine going lax against the couch.

‘No, baby,’ Janusz said. ‘Not fragile, not weak, just a regular person who wants some basic respect. That’s all. Like anyone.’

Nate wasn’t sure most people thought of omegas as regular people, but everyone at Hillview seemed to, and it wasn’t an argument he wanted to have right now. It wasn’t an argument he wanted to have at all.

‘I’m tired,’ Nate whispered.

‘Thank you for telling me,’ Janusz said, like he meant it. ‘Hey, Nate?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Do you enjoy kissing?’

‘Yeah,’ Nate said, feeling dazed. ‘I do.’

‘Me too.’

Janusz moved in easily, and Nate opened his mouth without thinking when their lips touched. Janusz tasted of the coffee he’d had when he’d come back from his session, and he tasted faintly of tart berries, and nothing at all like the motor oil in his scent. Nate made a choked-off sound of need when Janusz kept his fingers at the back of his neck, his Kaeper glands having a direct link to the lare glands inside him, his prostate, and he turned on the couch and clenched his hand into a fist instead of placing it on Janusz’ thigh like he wanted to.

Nate didn’t realise he was making small whimpers until Janusz reached up with his other hand and thumbed Nate’s lower lip.

‘Shh, baby. You’re so needy, it’s lovely. I’m going to take care of you, okay?’

Nate nodded, having no idea what that meant until the hand at his mouth dropped between his legs and palmed over him, as though checking to see if he was hard. He was. Nate felt embarrassed, Christian used to taunt him for being too needy, and he remembered his parents’ shock the first time they found him in his room as a teenager, presenting on his own bed while furtively watching pornography with the volume down so low they’d checked on him because he was being so quiet.

‘That’s so good,’ Janusz said against Nate’s mouth. ‘The conversation revved you up, hm?’

Nate nodded. ‘It’s not bad?’

‘No!’ Janusz said, sounding shocked. ‘Never. That’s a fantastic sign.’

Janusz’ mouth moved over his again, and Nate pushed in absently, realising how much he’d wanted more over the last few days, how hard it had been to hold back. He knew Janusz was an alpha companion, but Nate was so scared of what it might mean to do this.

‘Are we going to have to do this all the time now?’ Nate said shakily, as Janusz kept one hand strongly around Nate’s shoulders and undid the fly of his jeans.

‘Do you want to?’

‘Only if you want.’

‘I don’t want to be with someone when they’re not in the mood, so that works out. Now…’ Janusz shifted, so he was talking into Nate’s neck, tongue dragging over the sensitive skin, close enough to Nate’s Kaeper glands that his whole body went lax, and he needed Janusz’ weight to prop him up. Janusz pulled down his jeans and underwear gently but easily. ‘What do you want more? To come from your cock? Or from your lare glands?’

Nate felt dizzy to have a choice at a time like this. He wanted to let Janusz decide, but he also felt that emptiness between his legs. He knew if Janusz touched him there, he’d start producing slick. He could feel the dull ache inside that meant the lare glands were swollen and ready.

‘Inside,’ Nate whispered, ashamed. But the orgasms were better like that.

Janusz exhaled heavily, not like someone tired of him, or bored, or annoyed – like Christian used to be – but like someone who was getting control of himself because he was turned on.

‘I don’t know if I’m making any slick,’ Nate added, embarrassed at the ways his body couldn’t make things more convenient for his alpha.

‘Let’s see what I can do,’ Janusz said with a confidence that felt drugging, especially as Janusz squeezed at his hip, and then his ass. Fingers pressed slowly between his ass cheeks and brushed over Nate’s hole. He felt how it was dry, and pressed his forehead down into Janusz’ shoulder, feeling useless. He wasn’t even an older omega. His body shouldn’t be doing this at his age.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘This isn’t something you’re doing on purpose,’ Janusz said, informative and reassuring at the same time. His fingers probed carefully at Nate’s hole, and instead of swearing under his breath, or making an impatient noise like Christian would, he pulled Nate closer so they were chest to chest, and moved his fingers so that they pressed behind his balls into the surprisingly tender skin of his perineum.

Nate cried out when Janusz started massaging the flesh in slow circles, and Nate felt it in his lare glands, in his whole body, shuddering up his spine. He was melting. He spread his legs without thinking, which made access harder with his jeans not fully off his legs, and Janusz hummed like he found that amusing - but not mockingly like Christian would - and nudged one of Nate’s legs back into place with his own.

‘That feels good, right?’ Janusz said, like he didn’t expect an answer. Nate’s breath shuddered in his lungs. He nodded.

Janusz pressed harder, and Nate felt an ache inside, realised his lare glands really were swollen even though Janusz wasn’t touching them directly. Nate wanted to come, felt a low, faint cramp of need. He gasped and bore down into Janusz’ fingers and felt a spasm inside him, a sharp twinge, and he knew he was producing slick even before he felt it at his entrance, slippery and hot.

‘I’m… It’s happening,’ Nate whispered.

‘That’s good,’ Janusz said, though he didn’t rush to push his fingers inside. He kept massaging Nate’s perineum, increased the pressure so it was almost painful, and Nate’s mouth opened, his head dropped onto Janusz’ shoulder.

Were alpha companions trained to know how to do things like this? If Nate had known it felt this good, he would have done it to himself before he met Christian. Instead, he’d just put a hand around his cock, and shoved fingers inside his ass, always failing to put pressure on the lare glands the way an alpha cock could.

It was getting harder to stand being empty, Nate’s teeth scraped Janusz’ shirt, close to biting down.

‘Please,’ he breathed, his voice breaking. ‘I can’t- Not like this.’

‘No?’ Janusz said, and there was something in his tone, almost falsely innocent, that suggested Janusz knew exactly how he was tormenting Nate and was enjoying it. That sent something strange and electric through Nate that he didn’t want to look at, because surely he’d hate that. After Christian, surely he didn’t want that anymore.

Nate’s heavy breathing felt like it filled the lounge as Janusz’ fingers tested the slick at his entrance. And then he was testing the quality, actually rubbing it between his fingers, and then he was sinking long, calloused fingers inside, two at once, and Nate moaned thickly as Janusz didn’t bother with teasing anymore, but spread both fingers and ran them along both lare glands, pressing up and in.

Nate couldn’t help it, the orgasm that came from that first sure touch. He’d thought Janusz would be tentative, but he wasn’t. Janusz held him tight to his chest with a firm grip and Nate sobbed out a wretched noise as his cock throbbed but didn’t spill, and he quaked, weak and disarmed, overwhelmed with heavy pleasure.

‘I’m definitely neglecting you, aren’t I, sweetheart? You’ve been more than ready for this. I’m going to give you a couple more, okay? Nice and easy. It shouldn’t hurt.’

Nate could only cry out in acknowledgement as Janusz withdrew both fingers, a trickle of slick moving down the inside of Nate’s thigh, and then he pushed back in with three and aimed for his prostate at the same time as his lare glands.

Nate was gone. He could have laughed, except he was gasping for air and feeling a gut deep pleasure-ache that he never remembered properly from his heats. It was heady and sharp, and Janusz had a way of rocking his fingers up and then in which felt masterful. It was relentless and powerful, it made him feel like a real alpha had him in his grasp, and Nate couldn’t help but surrender to it.

He craved it, whined as he tried to spread his legs for it, would have let Janusz fuck him as roughly as he wanted in that moment.

He sobbed in desperation, even as Janusz hushed him, his fingers not speeding up, but adding more of that horribly good pressure.

‘I can’t, I can’t,’ Nate breathed, even though he was helping, grinding down, needing it. ‘Oh, please.’

‘God,’ Janusz said, his voice gravelly. ‘Come on, Nate. Let go for me, yeah? We don’t need persuasion right now. You’re ready to pop.’

Nate came before the end of the sentence, crying out short, sharp sounds as his eyes screwed shut and he ground his teeth together, then panted into Janusz’ neck, gasping down his alpha’s scent, which was so fucking good. Not sugary sweet, but strong and comforting and wild all at the same time.

‘One more,’ Janusz said. ‘I think that’ll take the edge off.’

‘You can fuck me,’ Nate said. ‘You can. I want it.’

‘That’s so good,’ Janusz said, ‘but right now you’re going to come the way I want you to, on my fingers, holding onto me just like this. You can do that, can’t you?’

Nate nodded without thinking, sensitive and overwhelmed and already sailing from one orgasm towards the next, his cock rock hard now, sure that he was going to spill come this time. He had tears in his eyes, and he groaned when Janusz shifted and nuzzled his rough cheek against Nate’s, prompting him to lift his head so they could kiss.

Janusz kissed him with that sense of ownership that set off all of Nate’s instincts, had him yielding, needing to lay himself bare for him. And he came like that, with Janusz’ tongue in his mouth, and those fingers thick and relentless inside him, his body tingling and his cock throbbing with pulse after pulse of watery come. The orgasm from his lare glands lasted longer, branched through him with electricity from his hole to his lungs, as he took in breath after frantic breath.

The high of it faded slowly, Janusz’ fingers resting inside him but no longer moving. Janusz shifted them both, so Nate was lying on top of him on the couch. Nate felt how hard he was and moved without thinking to satisfy his partner. He’d use his mouth, maybe.

‘No,’ Janusz said, keeping him in place with the fingers inside him and the arm around his back. ‘Not now, baby, okay?’

‘I- I want to,’ Nate said, feeling like something wasn’t right, like he couldn’t do what he was supposed to do. Like something was incomplete. ‘I want to.’

‘I know. But this was for you.’

‘I want to,’ Nate said again. ‘Please, Janusz. This isn’t like cleaning. I want to. Let me use my mouth, or-’

‘Hey, hey, look at me,’ Janusz said. ‘Look at me, baby.’

Nate did, still shaking from the force of his orgasms. Janusz didn’t look angry or disappointed, but he also didn’t look like someone who was going to let Nate give him an orgasm.

‘No,’ Nate said tremulously, tearing up. ‘Don’t do this. Is this an alpha companion thing? Don’t, Janusz.’

Janusz studied him for a long time, and nodded to himself, and Nate knew he wouldn’t change his mind. His dismay warred with a faint relief, and a security in Janusz’ alpha will.

‘I know it’s hard,’ Janusz said, bringing Nate close to him again, because Nate had pushed himself up to change their positions. ‘It won’t always be like this, I promise. I promise, Nate. But Nate, your alpha wanted to give you pleasure, and he did. You did everything so, so well, and I’m so happy with you.’

Your alpha.

The words soothed him. They didn’t make him want to argue, or disagree, but gentled him instead. Nate slumped down and turned the words over in his mind, realising he was exhausted, that he didn’t know if he wanted to actually give Janusz a blowjob. He did, but maybe not right now.

‘Oh,’ Nate said with soft realisation.

It had tiptoed through him lightly at first, but now that it was right in front of him, he didn’t know how he’d missed it.

‘We’re bonded,’ Nate said.

‘I think so, baby,’ Janusz said. ‘I think so.’

Nate kept waiting to feel scared, but he just felt tired. He wanted a shower. He wanted to rest. He breathed in deeply at Janusz’ neck, the scent alone reassured him.

He knew something wasn’t quite right, but he couldn’t think about it now. It was a problem for later. Right now, he was going to rest in his alpha’s arms. It was all Janusz expected him to do.

Chapter Text

Janusz

*

Two weeks passed, and Janusz felt troubled over the way his sexual relationship with Nate was progressing. Nate responded beautifully to so much of what they’d done so far, which was limited to acts where Janusz had control due to rehabilitation protocols. But in the aftermath…

‘He’s responding worse than usual to not being allowed to reciprocate,’ Janusz said heavily. ‘I know some kickback is normal, but last time he broke down crying and begged on and off for about an hour before he could make himself stop. And that’s with alpha persuasion to help him calm down. As soon as it wore off, he started again. We’re talking about a pretty severe level of distress. And then he withdraws after and gets sullen. I’m worried because it’s the withdrawal that led to his suicidal ideation last time.’

‘Yes, you’re right,’ Temsen said, concerned. ‘That is a very strong negative response. I suppose it’s a good idea this session to explore some options, and the function of non-reciprocation.’

‘Right,’ Janusz said. ‘I get it’s a form of reprogramming. No abused omega can really let themselves receive pleasure in an uncomplicated fashion, and while deciding that they’re going to give them pleasure as an alpha helps to a degree, it’s not enough. There’s a natural period of resistance in accepting pleasure until we see greater acceptance around, like, “Okay, this is what my alpha actually wants, I’m allowed to have pleasure, my alpha is happy with me having pleasure, that’s making them happy too.”’

‘There’s almost no likelihood Nate is all right with the concept of accepting pleasure simply because he exists and gets to have that if he wants it.’

‘This feels disconnected though,’ Janusz said, thinking about the sudden switch in Nate’s behaviour. ‘Honestly? He rarely tries to reciprocate during. He’s quite…passive? Not dissociated, I’m working to make sure he’s present and aware, but he’s pretty non-verbal. He’s not highly communicative. I think maybe he’s so sensory he gets overloaded and can’t really focus on anything else, even his partner’s pleasure.’

‘It’s almost a certainty that he was abused for that,’ Temsen said. ‘Explore that with him, gently, but that’s also not rare for omegas. That alone doesn’t account for this severe distress response he’s having.’

‘Yeah,’ Janusz said. ‘It doesn’t. That’s what I mean by it feels disconnected. After everything is done between us, it’s like there’s this slow shift, and at first I thought it might be guilt. I don’t know how to describe it. Ah, well, I have a weird analogy.’

‘I don’t think anything is weird anymore, trust me,’ Temsen said with a soft laugh.

‘You know how, in edging, if you edge someone enough and then give them a ruined orgasm, you can get these super high levels of upset and distress? Like real…I don’t want to say grief, but something like it. I don’t know if this is something you…do.’

‘It’s not,’ Temsen said openly. ‘But I’m still familiar with the concept. What are you trying to say?’

‘I think it’s physiological. There’s something in him - deeper than guilt - that feels like I’ve done this to hurt him. It reminds me of how he felt when I stopped letting him do housework.’ Janusz scratched his head as he thought it over, pulled on strands of hair in thought. ‘I have an idea, and I want to run it by you.’

‘You might as well,’ Temsen said. ‘If Nate’s having an atypical response, I’ve maintained we need an atypical approach.’

‘So, I still think it’s important he not reciprocate during the sessions where I’m specifically in charge of his pleasure. I really see merit in that, and I think Nate – more than any omega I’ve been partnered with – needs that. But what if I organised separate sexual sessions where I was in control of him giving me pleasure? Directing him explicitly, controlling everything from start to finish? Say…cock-warming, or something similar? Where his focus is me? They’d be set sessions, I’d explain it to him, and if he then gets distressed after sessions that focus on his own pleasure, I’d have a firm thing to draw his mind back to: That we can focus on my pleasure later, but not now.’

Temsen pursed his lips, and his foot swung up and down – legs crossed today – as he thought it over.

‘I don’t mind that,’ Temsen said. ‘I’m going to make you take notes and answer a set of questions each time in follow-up reports. His pre-mood, his mood during and any notable subjects that come up, and his post-mood immediately after, two hours after, and the next day. I don’t want those sessions happening on the same day as him receiving non-reciprocated sexual pleasure.’

‘Got it,’ Janusz said. He’d thought something along the same lines, though the reports were going to be a drag. He already spent a good hour or two each night keeping on top of the paperwork. Nate was atypical, so there was much more that he had to log about the rehabilitative process. It was important for research, for the health of atypical omegas who arrived at Hillview in the future.

‘I don’t want them happening in the same ratio, either,’ Temsen said, grimacing. ‘That sounds very restrictive, I know, but if you – as an example – give him non-reciprocated sexual pleasure three times a week, then you can’t have three of these other sessions in the same week. Just for now, while we learn more about what’s happening.’

‘I’m fine with that,’ Janusz said easily, openly. ‘Look, I don’t disagree with the protocol. I just want to address the distress directly. I think if I had even one session a week to point to while he’s having his meltdown, he’ll actually respond. I think he’ll talk back at first, ask why it can’t happen immediately, but I think he’ll accept it. He seems to do better when there’s a concrete plan in place. Besides, after all of this I could be way off, and completely fuck it up again.’

‘Your instincts have been remarkable with him,’ Temsen said softly. ‘Nate’s on a rocky path. Any progress on getting him to open up about his parents?’

‘None,’ Janusz said, frowning. ‘If anything, he’s bedding down in his concept of them being incredible parents, possibly because he’s contrasting people to Christian a bit more. That’s great, and we want that. I don’t even think his parents were “bad parents,” right? But there’s signs that the emotional neglect was pretty profound. Nate’s quite a black-and-white thinker right now. People are all good, or all bad. Bennett noticed it too, apparently. Nate brought it up himself.’

‘It’s good he’s thinking about it at all,’ Temsen said. ‘Is he letting you read any of his writing yet?’

‘Not genuinely, no. He’s stepped up the tests from leaving the notebooks around, to leaving them around and open to certain pages, but the way he watches me…’ Janusz laughed, but felt a pang all the same. ‘I’ve taken to closing the notebooks when I find them like that.’

‘I think it’s time to respond to the tests directly,’ Temsen said. ‘Try picking up a notebook and asking him if he meant to leave it open, or if it’s okay for you to read it. Push for a real response, not a non-committal one.’

‘He won’t like that,’ Janusz said, ‘but sure.’

‘How’s everything regarding contacting Corbyn Prince? Anything?’

‘So far, nothing useful,’ Janusz said, and laughed weakly. ‘He’s slippery, that’s for sure. He has a couple of email addresses that return form responses. No phone numbers. No social media presence besides what looks publisher-maintained social media. I’ve reached out to a couple of publishers directly, but I’m not expecting much. I thought my research abilities were pretty good, but Corbyn Prince doesn’t want to be found. I also think he has at least two different beta identities.’

‘I’m sure he does. I believe to buy an ISBN – to sell a physical book in an online or offline store – he has to prove he’s a beta or an alpha through digital identification. And while he’ll happily say he’s an omega in a book bio, when he self-published initially, he was operating through fraudulent identification.’

Temsen didn’t sound judgemental at all, and he wouldn’t, because it was the only way many omegas got to achieve anything they wanted to in life when running their own businesses. If Nate ever wanted to publish his own poetry and have control over the process, Hillview would have to help him make a fraudulent identification to assist.

Faber was excellent at setting them up and helping to run omegas through the paperwork.

‘Well, see how you go,’ Temsen said. ‘Maybe a publisher will know something.’

‘I’m not holding my breath,’ Janusz said.

‘Now, how are your nightmares going?’ Temsen asked, and Janusz sighed. Ah, the part of supervision he found tiresome. He took a deep breath and started talking, knowing it helped to work out the finer points of his post-trauma from the first few weeks he spent with Nate.

At least things were finally starting to really move forward now, and Janusz was hopeful he was finally on the right track with Nate.

*

The next day, Janusz got a call on his phone from a private number and frowned. He stepped away from the table, and Nate looked up from the couch, worried.

‘It’s a private number,’ Janusz said. ‘I’m going to take it outside, okay?’

Nate nodded. Janusz walked out of the cottage. He closed the door and placed his other hand in his pocket.

‘Hello?’ he said.

‘Good morning,’ a smooth, cultured voice said. It sounded British-Australian. ‘Is this Janusz Bodanowicz?’

‘It is,’ Janusz said warily. He didn’t often hear people pronouncing his semi-Anglicised surname so effortlessly.

‘I’m Harvey Doolittle, calling on behalf of Corbyn Prince, at Every Word Publishing House.’

‘Oh!’ Janusz said, feeling a sudden excitement. ‘Yes! I emailed.’

‘You did,’ Harvey said, amused. ‘It was quite an unusual email. We screen quite a lot for Mr Prince, as I’m sure you understand. He has a lot of readers, and critics.’

‘Sure,’ Janusz said.

‘I want to talk to you first, before putting you through. I’m to understand you have a member of his family hostage in an Omega Rehabilitation Facility?’

His racing thoughts paused. Janusz was taken aback at the language Harvey used. Hostage. He knew people didn’t approve of ORFs, plenty of good people didn’t like them, but that was such a strong word to use.

‘I seem to have you at a loss for words,’ Harvey said, sounding smug. Over the phone, he sounded like a strong-willed beta, or maybe even an alpha. ‘Understand, Corbyn Prince is a well-known omega who has no interest in being entrapped into spending time in an ORF, and understands very well that family members linked by blood have been used to lure omega family members into involuntary placement in the past.’

‘Oh my god,’ Janusz said, feeling like he’d taken a punch to the gut. But, of course, Harvey was right. That was what some of the worst ORFs did. Using family to manipulate an omega was cruel, because most omegas cared so fiercely for the solidarity of their family – or chosen family – it was hard for them to stay away. ‘What would help in a situation like this? Hillview isn’t that kind of ORF, but I understand our word might not be good enough.’

‘Well done,’ Harvey said, like Janusz had given the correct answer on a test. ‘I would first need to a see a signed contract from the head of Hillview Rehabilitation who I see is…Dr Gary Konowalous. The contract should be legally binding and ensure Hillview will not place my client under any circumstances in Hillview’s – or any other ORF for that matter – “care,” and then I would like my lawyers to look over it.’

Janusz didn’t think that would be difficult. ‘I’m pretty sure we can do that. Should I use the same email address I used before?’

‘Of course, young man,’ Harvey said. ‘That would be preferable, yes. And as for my client, he wants to know why Nathaniel Prince is at a rehabilitative clinic, as his family is alive and well, and would have willingly taken him in after a difficult relationship.’

Janusz mentally ran through the details he could disclose without compromising Nate’s confidentiality further. Finally he was left with: ‘It wasn’t his family who committed him to the facility. To my knowledge, they weren’t informed this was happening, and Hillview hasn’t been given consent to inform them since.’

‘I see,’ Harvey said after a long pause. He sounded unusually invested for a go-between, but Janusz supposed if he had Corbyn Prince as a client, he cared about the welfare of omegas more than the average beta or alpha.

‘Look, I’ll explain a bit about my end of things. I don’t want to breach Nate’s confidentiality.’

‘Nate?’ Harvey said. ‘Doesn’t he prefer Nathaniel? It’s such a nicer name.’

‘No, it’s Nate,’ Janusz said, a spark of anger kicking up inside him. ‘Mr Doolittle, I’m getting in touch because Nate is extremely isolated after some circumstances in his life, and Corbyn Prince is the only member of his family he showed any interest in meeting. It’s important, at Hillview, to reconnect omegas to family members and friends who are non-abusive, healthy role models, and we don’t know if Corbyn fits that bill, but given the nature of his writing, we think he might. We’re not even asking Corbyn to get in touch directly with Nate yet. We just want to make sure if he’s available, we can make this happen as safely as possible for all involved.’

Another long pause.

‘Why don’t I put you through to Corbyn now?’ Harvey said, voice muted.

‘Sure,’ Janusz said, heart beating faster. ‘That would be great.’

He felt like he’d passed another test.

Another silence, and then a pause. ‘I’m Corbyn,’ Harvey- No, Corbyn said. ‘It’s simply in my best interests to pretend not to be.’

‘Oh,’ Janusz said. He kind of wished he were sitting down. This was wild. Corbyn did not talk like an omega. ‘Shit. Sorry. That makes sense.’

‘It does, doesn’t it? I still want that contract, Janusz Bodanowicz, and I want it signed. And I will have my lawyer go over it. What do you mean, Nate is extremely isolated? It’s that fellow he took up with, isn’t it? Is he the one who committed Nate? Have you raped my nephew yet?’

‘Hillview doesn’t operate like other ORFs, Mr Prince.’

‘Call me Corbyn,’ Corbyn said, sounding irritated. ‘Yes, yes, I’ve looked at the website and done some research. I asked you a question, and I expect an answer.’

‘Then…technically yes,’ Janusz said, pressing his lips together, thinking of the way Christian dropped Nate off right when he was about to go into heat, giving Nate zero choice in the matter. ‘But it’s not our usual practice.’

‘No?’ Corbyn said, sounding amused. ‘It’s not? Really?’

‘Really. It was unavoidable, and we’ve avoided it since.’

‘Unavoidable,’ Corbyn said flatly, and then a pause. ‘Unavoidable because now he’ll just say yes to anything?’

‘No,’ Janusz said. ‘I can’t comment further than that.’

‘As though you care about protecting Nate’s privacy. Covering your ass, more like. I know how facilities like yours work.’

‘If you’ve never been to Hillview before, you can’t say you know how it works here. The safest option for you would be to talk to Nate on the phone first, which we’re happy to arrange once we’ve sent a contract through to you, but-’

‘I want to talk to him now,’ Corbyn said suddenly, impetuously, a faint hint of omega desperation in the back of his cultured voice. ‘Let me talk to him now.’

‘You’ll have to be on speaker,’ Janusz said, feeling like maybe this was a mistake. ‘And the conversation will have to be recorded.’

‘Yes, yes,’ Corbyn said impatiently. ‘He has no right to privacy, I understand.’

‘It’s common for family members to abuse omegas during the privacy of phone calls,’ Janusz said quietly. ‘It’s policy for all initial phone calls to happen on speaker, so they can be recorded, and we have evidence of abuse in case this happens. That doesn’t mean you’ll abuse him. It’s just policy. If things go well, it wouldn’t have to be like this every time in the future.’

Corbyn was silent again.

‘I’m going to ask Nate if he consents to speaking with you,’ Janusz said. ‘Just because he’s been open to seeing you or making contact doesn’t mean he’s ready today.’

‘...All right,’ Corbyn said. ‘I’ll wait.’

‘Thanks. I’m going to put you on hold for a sec.’

Corbyn made a dismissive sound of acknowledgement, and Janusz walked back inside, head spinning. Nate stood immediately when he saw his expression, and Janusz smiled weakly.

‘So, I have your Uncle Corbyn on the phone. He wants to speak with you, but I’ve told him that can only happen on speaker and while the conversation is being recorded, is that okay?’

‘Uncle Corbyn won’t like it,’ Nate said, clasping his hands together and then letting go. ‘But if he says yes, then okay. Are you sure it’s him?’

‘He has a sort of posh hoity-toity…British-Australian accent?’

‘That’s him!’ Nate said, his eyes widening. ‘Oh really? Is it really him?’

Nate came closer and stared at Janusz’ phone like it held the answers to so many of his problems. Janusz smiled to see the positive change. He knew he should clear all of this with head office, but pivoting on his instincts and making quick decisions was what they liked about him.

Janusz placed his phone on the table.

‘Corbyn,’ he said, ‘you’re off hold, and Nate’s on the line now.’

‘Nate?’ Corbyn said, the most uncertain he’d sounded so far.

‘Uncle Corbyn!’ Nate said, voice loud in his excitement. He stood by the table, staring down at the phone, his hands up at his sides, hovering in the air. ‘It’s you! Is it you?’

‘It’s me,’ Corbyn said, his voice smoothing out. ‘And you? Are they treating you horrendously? Would you even tell me if they were?’

‘It’s hard,’ Nate said, his voice breaking, as he looked up at Janusz as though double-checking it was okay to be honest. Janusz nodded. They wanted omegas to acknowledge that any kind of institutionalisation was difficult and traumatic, even if it was ultimately helpful. ‘I didn’t want to be here at first. But…I told Christian I would, if it would make me better for him. But he never wanted me back.’

‘I’ll come and get you,’ Corbyn said, sounding decisive.

‘Are you even in Australia?’

‘Not Western Australia, currently,’ Corbyn said, evasive.

‘With all due respect, Corbyn,’ Janusz said, cutting in, ‘Nate is currently under the custody of Hillview, and cannot be released until we deem him stable, and the home he goes to needs to be adequate for his needs. At this stage of Nate’s recovery, he won’t be released to anyone. You can, however, visit.’

‘Do they want to trap me, darling?’ Corbyn said, and it was obvious he was asking Nate. Janusz could almost hear the way he shut Janusz out of the conversation.

‘What?’ Nate said, shocked. ‘Why? No, it’s- No one’s even talked about that.’ Nate looked at Janusz in horror. ‘Is that what you want to do?’

Janusz shook his head, hating the way Nate now believed it was a possibility. ‘We don’t do that here.’

‘It’s not like other places,’ Nate said to Corbyn.

‘Janusz admitted to raping you.’

‘What?’ Nate said, and Janusz felt bemused by his outrage as Nate turned to him, eyes huge. ‘Why would you say that to him? You didn’t! Do you mean because of my heat? But that doesn’t count! And I was already in it when I got dropped off. That’s so stupid. You didn’t!’

‘Nate, just because you didn’t hate it, or it didn’t have to happen, doesn’t mean it wasn’t sexual assault,’ Janusz said, wincing, because this was meant to come up later, when Nate was ready.

‘Are you serious?’ Nate said. Then his cheeks paled, his eyes darted away. ‘Sorry. Sorry, Janusz. You’re right, of course.’

‘No,’ Janusz said. ‘It’s complicated. We can talk about it one day, if you want. How about for now, can you believe I told Corbyn I raped you, because he asked me a direct question, and I think it’s more important he feels we’re honest here, instead of trying to lie to you, or other people?’

Nate nodded and bit at his top lip a few times. He looked at the phone again.

‘Corbyn, can you come? Please? I haven’t- I haven’t talked to anyone. And I can’t talk to Mum and Dad. I can’t. They don’t understand.’

‘I don’t know that I will understand either,’ Corbyn said with a kind of arch sympathy. ‘I never liked Christian.’

‘But you don’t really like anyone,’ Nate said. ‘So that’s okay. Also, everyone here really likes your writing. And the doctor here said he really liked your attitudes towards omegas and stuff.’

Corbyn said nothing, and Nate’s fingers hovered at the edges of the phone like he could touch or grasp his uncle.

‘It’s very windy here, and the trees are like sentinels,’ Nate said, his voice less rushed, sounding a bit more like himself, and not the panicked person he could become. ‘The ocean is open and broad and naked, it’s too raw, and there’s pipis – the shells – in the sand, in pastel colours, like lollies. There are cottages, and green grass, and I don’t have to see other omegas, and I only have to be with one alpha companion in a cottage where he opens the window to let the crisp breeze in. The food is nice, and they got me notebooks and any pens I like, even though I told them they didn’t have to. Everyone cares about how I feel all the time, which sucks.’

Corbyn’s laugh was slow but pleased. Janusz realised Nate knew Corbyn well enough to know how to get him here. Omegas had an ability, sometimes, of softening someone else up, luring them closer. Nate had tried it on Janusz to push him into letting Nate reciprocate after sex, but it was interesting seeing it in action here.

‘It smells of salt and eucalyptus,’ Nate continued. ‘I’ve forgotten how to write.’

‘You have not,’ Corbyn said. ‘You haven’t, I promise. Even if you can’t do it now, you haven’t forgotten.’

‘I have,’ Nate said. ‘I need your help.’

An even longer silence, and then finally a long, weary sigh.

‘Ah. Then I’d best come, I suppose, hadn’t I?’

‘I miss you,’ Nate said, tears coming to his eyes.

‘I miss you too, Niblet.’ And that seemed to be the end of that, because Corbyn said: ‘Tell Janusz Bodanowicz to organise that contract and send it to the email he used, and I’ll be here as soon as I can, once my lawyer looks at it, all right?’

Before Nate could reply, the call ended, and Nate grabbed Janusz’ phone and stared at it, and then pressed it to his cheek as his eyes glittered with unshed tears. He accepted Janusz’ embrace without a word, and Janusz let Nate cradle his phone close, like it was a real family member he missed, and not a phone at all.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

‘Today I want to try something different,’ Bennett said. ‘It naturally flows on from what we’ve touched on regarding the mind and body, and noticing sensations in the body more. What do you think?’

Nate shrugged. He stared down at the pile of blankets next to the chair.

‘Is it going to hurt?’

‘No,’ Bennett said. ‘In fact, if it feels like you’re anywhere near that, I would love if you could stop immediately and either tell me, or take a break, or even walk out of the room. Sometimes therapy hurts, but today we want to avoid trauma. Do you remember what we talked about regarding trauma last time?’

Nate shrugged again. He sometimes hated the way Bennett tried to engage him in the concepts they were covering, tried to get Nate to speak them aloud. At first, he’d assumed Bennett thought he was stupid. Now he knew Bennett was literally trying to get him to feel the words in his mouth, to acknowledge trauma aloud, even if it wasn’t his trauma.

‘Too much, too soon, too fast,’ Nate said, unable to look away from the blankets. More often, the sessions were like this from the beginning. The blankets exuded a pull, highlighted his weakness. He couldn’t stop thinking about nesting while in this room. It was getting worse. ‘Any or all in combination.’

‘Great,’ Bennett said. He laughed. ‘Very succinct, too. But that’s true. So we can see ways I’ve tried to make therapy less traumatising for you.’

‘Shorter sessions to ameliorate “too much,”’ Nate said, looking at a white blanket he’d never seen before. Who would get him a white blanket? Maybe it was just randomly in there. Christian would laugh and say it represented a purity Nate would never have.

Nate was a virgin when he met Christian, but Christian said he wasn’t, because Nate had penetrated himself with knotting toys out of curiosity and need. Nate supposed his idea of virginity was wrong, but he still thought of himself that way the first time Christian slept with him. He’d thought it was special. Christian said it was special because he’d slept with Christian, but this his virginity was long gone, and didn’t matter.

Was Nate even allowed to touch a white blanket? Probably. They’d probably let him here.

‘Asking me how I feel about things or if I’m ready for something mitigates “too soon” and “too fast” and “too much.”’ Nate said, not looking up. ‘Though it depends on whether I tell the truth and say if I’m actually ready for something or not. I still don’t see how that means trauma or bad things that happen to me aren’t my fault if I don’t speak up to make them stop. That just means everything bad that I didn’t say no to, is my fault.’

‘It makes sense that you’d look at it that way,’ Bennett said gently. ‘But if you don’t feel safe enough to easily and freely speak up, chances are high you’re already in a distressed, unsafe, and potentially traumatised space. People who feel comfortable enough to say when they don’t like something, even if they feel discomfort, are people who have learned some safety and trust in their body, even if they don’t feel safe in the moment. It’s not as straightforward as just accepting all the blame when you’re too scared to say no, and something bad happens to you.’

A pause, and Nate’s fingers curled.

‘What do you find interesting about the blankets today?’ Bennett said.

‘I don’t know. Maybe I find my pathetic neediness really fascinating.’

‘You’re not being very kind to yourself about a normal instinct to self-soothe. This is actually what I wanted to touch on today. I’d like to experiment with something new. I’m going to explain it to you, and you can tell me if it sounds like it will be too much.’

‘Fine.’

‘I know you can nest in the cottage with Janusz pretty easily, which is great. I would love if you could find a way of doing it here. They don’t have to be full nests if you don’t want them to be. But I was thinking today we could both move down to the floor. I have some cushions by my seat too, see? So I’ll be comfortable. And then you can move the blankets next to you how you like. You don’t even have to nest, you can just touch the blankets, or fold them, or sort them by the ones you like and the ones you don’t.’

‘That’s why there are fresh blankets,’ Nate said.

‘It’s one reason. That and we like to rotate through because everyone has different tastes.’

Nate felt uneasy. Things were going well with Janusz, weren’t they? More of Nate’s sessions with Bennett should be spent trying to find ways he could be better for Janusz, and he was tired of bringing it up, because Bennett found a million dogged ways to say Nate taking care of himself was innately better for Janusz’ wellbeing.

‘I don’t enjoy moving around in front of people,’ Nate said, and then frowned, because he hadn’t known he was going to say that. He knew he felt discomfort, but that’s where this was heading? ‘Wow. Stupid.’

‘That’s not stupid at all,’ Bennett said. ‘So even doing something like moving to the floor from the chair feels uncomfortable for you?’

Nate breathed in sharply. ‘Yeah.’

‘Do you know why?’

Nate shook his head.

‘I’ll hazard at a guess. Is it because I’m here? I’m watching?’

‘Yeah.’

‘What if I walked out of the room? And then when I come back in, I sit down on the floor too, so we’re both on an even playing field?’

‘I don’t like putting people out either,’ Nate said, forehead furrowing. ‘Even though I do it all the time.’

‘It’s very human, to put other people out,’ Bennett said. ‘But since I have to stand up anyway in order to sit on the floor, walking a few steps in and out of the room isn’t imposing on me at all. In fact, it teaches me something really important about how to approach these sessions in the future, especially if I’m going to suggest any movement. So I see all of this as very meaningful.’

Nate squinted at him and then looked away. His fingers clenched into fists. He was struggling to explain why this was so hard, but he also sensed deep down it didn’t matter what he said. It was going to be hard. Sessions with Bennett were never easy, and Nate hated the feeling he was constantly about to fall into a trap. Bennett said he couldn’t get things wrong, but Nate knew that wasn’t true.

‘Okay,’ Nate said grudgingly.

‘All right,’ Bennett said, standing. ‘I’m going to walk out of the room and give you a couple of minutes. Take your time, make yourself comfortable. You can go closer to the window if you like. You can even stay on the chair if you need to, and we can just treat this as practice for the future. Either way, we’re going to learn something interesting, and try something new. I’ll be right back.’

As soon as the door closed behind Bennett, Nate took a huge, shaky breath and grasped at his shirt. He hated the way everyone was so nice to him, because he felt like he’d somehow lied to them, or deceived them into thinking he was some fragile, traumatised omega who needed kid gloves. Christian had always said he was weak, and he’d always been right. But Nate hated that there were omegas here going through real trauma, with really horrible things done to them, and then he was here too, because he couldn’t be normal about things.

Nate was the one who hurt other people. This idea he had a right to things like shorter therapy sessions just because he was scared or intimidated that other people would realise how awful he was, was bizarre.

Nate stood and plucked nervously at his clothing, then looked around. He pushed the chair back against the wall as quietly as possible. He was afraid he’d wake someone up and they’d be mad at him. That was silly. Bennett was already awake.

Nate eased down onto the ground next to the blankets, in the place where his chair had been. He leaned back against the chair to test its strength, relieved for the back support, and he stared at the blankets. Hesitantly, quickly, he touched one with his fingertips and yanked his hand back.

A quiet knock a few seconds later, and the door creaked open. ‘Am I good to come back in?’

‘Yeah,’ Nate said.

Bennett came in and smiled like he was proud when he saw Nate on the floor. He pushed his own chair back and sat where he normally did but on the carpet. Nate felt strangely closer to Bennett now they weren’t in chairs, even though they weren’t close enough to reach out and touch each other.

‘Let’s talk about this part instead of going further,’ Bennett said. ‘Since you did great and told me where you hold some discomfort, I want to honour that. You say you don’t enjoy moving around other people. Is it okay if I ask some questions about that?’

Nate answered with a shrug. He preferred to be noncommittal around Bennett, though he felt like Bennett just didn’t know how to get angry. The only time he’d seen Bennett close to unhappy with someone was when Nate accidentally explained something about Christian in a way that didn’t accurately capture why Nate was the one who’d fucked up. But even then, Bennett had no pheromones to spike in his anger, he’d never raised his voice, or gone dangerously quiet like Christian could. And he didn’t even seem angry at Christian, or Nate. He’d just seemed troubled, but more intensely than usual.

‘Great,’ Bennett said. ‘I’m not going to ask you about where you feel things in your body. I think that’d be a pretty annoying question right now!’

It really would be. Nate’s lips quirked in a cynical smile of acknowledgement.

‘So, moving in front of other people is hard. Has that always been true?’

‘Um, yeah. I guess. Especially if I know they’re watching me.’

‘Hm. I think we have a lot of room to one day talk about possible consequences you’ve experienced because of moving around other people who are watching you. But I don’t think today’s the day for that.’

‘It’s not?’ Nate said, surprised. He was sure that’s what Bennett would do. It seemed like something Temsen and Janusz would do. They dug at the sore spots, even if Janusz often backed off when he realised they were really sore.

‘No, I think this is a pretty huge subject. We have time to approach it carefully. Today I want to try some practical questions, focused on right here and right now. I’m going to assume you have some bad experiences with this stuff, and you can correct me if I’m wrong today or in the future. Let’s look at the wiggle room we have around this. We know if I walk out of the room, you can move or be in another position before I come back. That’s great to know. So we’re just going to gather some more information. What do you think?’

‘Are you going to write notes?’

‘I am,’ Bennett said, smiling and reaching for his notebook on the little desk normally by his chair. He rocked onto one hip, uncrossing his legs, and brought down the notebook. ‘So, would you feel comfortable right now moving around more? Say if you wanted to go to another area in the room to get some distance from me?’

‘No,’ Nate said.

‘Would that be better or worse if I told you that you could do it, and you are allowed to do it?’

‘Worse,’ Nate said. Bennett nodded, lips thinning as he wrote something down. Nate felt like he’d answered wrong. ‘Because… Because it could be a trick.’

‘Why do you think it could be a trick?’

‘What if there’s a right thing I’m meant to be doing, and you’re asking me the question because it’s a trick question? Like, if you’re trying to catch me out, and I’m meant to be sitting quiet and still and not moving around at all.’

Bennett nodded, wrote more notes, and Nate stared at the blankets. His arms were tense from wanting to grab them.

‘Well, you don’t need to believe me, but I’m not interested in trick questions,’ Bennett said. ‘That’s not really very helpful for the therapy I do. Trust is very important, and tricks aren’t exactly the foundation of trust, are they?’

‘I guess not.’

‘It’s all right if you don’t trust me, but I am comfortable telling you I won’t ever do that to you, and if you think I have done that to you, I really hope you’ll tell me, because it will make me – hopefully! – better at what I do. In this room, there’s not really any right or wrong way to behave. Even if you lashed out at me, or tried to physically hurt me, I’d possibly be upset and frightened, and that’s not a great way for you to behave towards me, but it still tells me something.’

‘I wouldn’t do that,’ Nate said.

‘No, I don’t think you would either,’ Bennett agreed with a kind smile. ‘I just wanted to use an example folks might see as extreme. I care most about helping you in a way that’s not traumatising to you. Therapy can easily move into re-traumatising spaces, so we take this slow. Your body seems to speak to you really loudly about avoiding being hurt at moments like this. I’m grateful your body is doing that for you. It means the likelihood you’re going to be re-traumatised is automatically a lot lower.’

Nate never knew how to react when Bennett just said nice things about Nate being a hostile piece of shit. Even his parents didn’t like the way Nate could get. Omegas were supposed to be sweet and accommodating.

‘I also don’t like making choices,’ Nate said suddenly. ‘About moving. It sounds stupid, and I don’t mind moving as much when I’m doing something for someone else.’

Nate’s forehead creased. No. There were so many times he hated it at Christian’s. When he forced himself to get up and make food for everyone after an evening of being used by them. When he had to shower and clean himself up, and Christian came in and demanded a blowjob in the shower, because he knew Nate hated the way it felt to get water in his sinuses.

‘I don’t…know if that’s always true,’ Nate said, feeling hesitant.

‘How do you feel when someone tells you how to move around them?’

Nate thought of the way Janusz insisted on talking him through mounting, often every single time. Nate mostly knew how Janusz liked it now, but Janusz still didn’t let him do it without assisting. It was to the point now where Nate stood by the bed and waited for instructions when he knew Janusz wanted to mount him. He just thought of it as an alpha thing. But it was one he liked. It was hard to get things wrong when Janusz explained everything and told him he was doing well.

‘Better than if I choose to do it myself.’

‘Better, hm? But probably not always. People can obviously ask you to do things which go against your best interests, even something as mild as asking you to eat breakfast when you feel queasy. Actually, I’m really pleased you could tell me you don’t enjoy moving in front of other people so I could work out a solution with you, like me leaving the room. If I asked you to take a blanket you like the look of, could you tell me if you don’t want to do that, or if that feels wrong to do?’

‘This all feels kind of wrong for me,’ Nate admitted. ‘I don’t know if I’m cut out for therapy.’

‘Maybe you just need some more practice,’ Bennett said with a warm smile. ‘I think you’re doing a wonderful job.’

‘Do you want me to pick out a blanket?’

‘Yes, please. You can put it in front of you, or perhaps you could put it in your lap?’

Nate reached for the white blanket and tried to do it quickly, so he couldn’t overthink it. It was easier to do now Bennett had asked him to. And because he had two options, he put the blanket in his lap, even though he thought the correct option was to put it in front of him. Because in his lap, it felt nicer.

‘Sometimes it seems like the right thing to do, is the opposite of what I want,’ Nate said.

Bennett wrote something in his notepad and put it down. Nate didn’t feel as threatened by it anymore. It was weird how Bennett just let him look whenever he asked. Weird to know Bennett was probably writing a shorthand version of what Nate said, so he could remember to bring it up later. Weird to know that Bennett saw as significant, when Nate spoke about something.

‘Did you just do the opposite of what you wanted?’

Nate shook his head. His fingers sunk into the blanket. White was so silly, it would stain. But it looked so nice and new, and it felt so soft. It was thin. The kind of blanket he’d be able to see through if he put it over his head. He’d see if Janusz was smiling at him, or angry at him. Nate pulled the blanket closer to his belly.

‘How does it feel to have a blanket on your lap?’

‘Nice,’ Nate said, and thought about how useless that word was. Imagine putting that in a poem. Blankets are nice. Yeah, he’d sound like a two-year-old. ‘I feel younger.’

‘Younger?’

‘Like…the world simplifies,’ Nate said, clearing his throat and staring down at the blanket piled across his lap. ‘Like it’s easier.’

‘Does that feel like something specific? Warmth? Or like your muscles relaxing?’

‘I’m still pretty tense,’ Nate said, laughing to himself. ‘I guess warmth. Yeah. Like my lower half- I mean blankets do that. But it seems like it’s more than that too. Now it’s here, it’s nice to think about. But it’s hard to think about what my body is doing.’

There were too many things to describe, and they were all embarrassing. The way he had goosebumps on his arms, or the fluffiness against his fingers. The way it dispelled the faint ache in his lower back, because he was sitting a little awkwardly, since he felt restricted, like he couldn’t just stretch and move about into a more comfortable position. The way he felt a little hidden, because the blanket covered part of him.

He knew from reading online that nesting was a poorly understood instinct, and one researched a lot less than heats. It made sense. Alphas cared more about researching how to fuck omegas and manipulate them through fucking, than they ever would about researching nesting.

But the instinct seemed to be founded in the urge to create spontaneous safe places within the home, to balance larentin levels and create security. Alphas experienced nothing like that when they were wrapped in blankets they chose for themselves, but if they went into a nest made by an omega, their ardolphogen levels settled, and they often reported feeling thoughtful and calm.

Nate hadn’t read the sections on omegas co-existing in nests together, because the idea of doing that turned his stomach and repulsed him. He couldn’t handle thinking of the ways Christian would use that against him. He didn’t like omegas, anyway.

‘It’s warm,’ Nate said, arms pressing further into the blanket.

‘That sounds nice. Do you want to get another blanket?’

Nate looked longingly at the stack of folded blankets.

‘I… I do, but I can’t?’ He didn’t understand himself.

‘It’s not safe enough, yet?’ Bennett said.

Nate nodded, closing his eyes.

‘Then how about we just sit like this for a little while, and we can save trying that for another session?’

Nate nodded again. Yes, that sounded better. The feeling he was going too slow, not doing enough, didn’t overwhelm him as much as it used to, it lingered like a bitter taste in the back of his mouth. He was tired, and he wanted to believe Bennett didn’t mind that he wasn’t doing enough.

‘You’ve been really brave today, Nate,’ Bennett said quietly.

Nate scoffed, didn’t make eye contact. He wanted it to be true, he felt like he’d done something incredibly hard, but here they were, about to end the session twenty or twenty-five minutes early, and all Nate had done was sit on the floor and put a blanket in his lap.

‘You don’t have to think you were brave,’ Bennett said. ‘I’m saying what I believe, what I feel to be true. When I see you trying things like this, I feel lighter in my body, the feeling you get just before knowing you’re going to have a good stretch. It’s a nice feeling. But I also feel a weight, too. I think it’s my body recognising there’s a cost you pay when challenging yourself. I want you to take it easy today, all right? I know I often say that, but I’m going to let Janusz know as well.’

‘Okay,’ Nate said. There was no point arguing. Besides, Nate was still turning the description over in his mind. That someone else’s bravery was like the feeling before a good stretch? So then, relief? Or like knowing something better was coming?

That didn’t suck. Nate wished he felt like that.

‘Okay,’ Bennett said, echoing him. ‘Let’s spend the next few minutes talking about the beach. What have you noticed this last week? More of the same? Something new?’

At some point, Bennett had figured out Nate liked to watch and catalogue everything in the world around him, and so many of their sessions – towards the end – were now spent with Nate feeling weird but also excited to be talking about the pipis, or the way the surf was breaking on the shoreline, or how the tide had come in really far and brought in three times as many cuttlefish skeletons as normal.

Bennett never seemed to mind, and he asked thoughtful questions that showed he remembered details that Nate never expected him to. Nate was anxious to cover himself in more blankets, while trying to imagine doing that in therapy.

When Janusz came to get him, Nate stood there feeling dopey and tired, but less anxious than normal. He wondered if Bennett had played a trick on him even if he said he didn’t do that.

Maybe it was a nice trick.

Nate wished he understood the world – and the people in it – better. For now, he just wanted to get home and curl up under the weight of familiar blankets. It was strange to know Janusz was just going to let him do it.

Everything was so weird now, and he felt destabilised on the walk home, thinking about the endless comfort they offered him, free from the consequences he constantly expected.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

Over the period of a week, Janusz’ paperwork increased. Nate was used to him doing some in the evening – something to do with his job as an alpha companion – but it was steady until recently.

Worse, Janusz changed some of his behaviours in a way Nate hated.

Nate often left one of his two notebooks open around the cottage to see if Janusz wanted to read what he’d written, because he was sure Janusz wouldn’t be able to control himself. So far didn’t read what he’d written, closing the notebooks as he saw them, and it was like a game they seemed to be playing. But on a Thursday morning when the ocean winds were loud enough to rattle the window panes, Janusz picked up Nate’s open notebook with its cobalt blue cover and didn’t close it.

‘Did you want me to read this?’ Janusz said, looking down at the page and then looking at Nate.

Every muscle in Nate’s body locked, his mouth went dry. For the first time, Janusz didn’t close the book with an, “Oh, I guess you didn’t realise you’d left it open!”

Now Nate had been posed a direct question, and his fingers curled down into the couch cushion.

He didn’t want anyone to see his writing. He kind of wanted to read some poems to Janusz, but he didn’t like reading aloud. He was so used to Janusz not reading anything in the notebook that he’d opened it to a more intense and personal poem. One he wasn’t sure he wanted Janusz to read.

But Janusz was an alpha, and he’d asked him a direct question.

‘If… If you want to,’ Nate croaked out. Surely Janusz would do what he’d always done, and understand Nate didn’t want that.

‘Yeah?’ Janusz said, and he turned away, taking the notebook with him. ‘Cool.’

A plunging feeling in Nate’s chest. He scrambled off the couch, resisting the urge to snatch the notebook away from Janusz. He’d never get there in time, and Janusz was taller than he was. So he stood there, uselessly, between the coffee table and the couch, angry at himself for being so resistant. He’d left it open. What did he think would happen?

Janusz paused and turned back. ‘Everything all right?’

It was a new game. Nate was right, Janusz could only be nice for so long and then it would be increasing tricks, just like with Christian. Nate had brought it on himself! He’d done it to himself! What did he expect would happen with the notebooks if he left them open all the time? Why was he in such a rush to turn everything to shit?

Other omegas didn’t do bullshit like this. They didn’t.

‘Okay,’ Janusz said, his entire expression changed from the light openness of before to something far more worried. Janusz put the notebook down on the table in the kitchen and walked over quickly. ‘Okay, Nate.’

‘You can read it,’ Nate said quickly, words falling over each other.

His eyes felt weird and hot, his throat thick, and Janusz wrapped both arms around him, unyielding and giving him something to lean against.

‘Can you breathe a bit deeper for me?’ Janusz said. ‘I want you to do that.’

Nate did it because Janusz wanted him to and then shuddered heavily.

‘You can read it,’ Nate said again.

‘I know I can,’ Janusz said calmly. ‘But do you want me to?’

‘If you want to, you can read it.’

‘Do you want me to?’ Janusz asked, the words wedges chiselling into him. Nate sagged, and hardly went anywhere because Janusz held him so tightly.

‘Are you going to start being mean to me now?’ Nate said. ‘I know I deserve it. I know I do. I’m the one leaving them open. Is that why you’re doing all the extra paperwork? Is it because it’s true? That Christian was doing the right thing after all?’

‘No,’ Janusz said calmly, but firmly. ‘What I’m doing is responding to the test you keep giving me, as though I’m not a mind reader. Like I’m just a regular guy who can’t read hidden messages.’

Nate felt ill, let himself be drawn down onto the couch. Janusz kept him close. They were chest-to-chest, and Nate was tucked between his legs, Janusz’ arms still tight around him.

‘The notebooks are a test,’ Janusz explained. ‘But you didn’t tell me they were. I was just supposed to know and then automatically know the right thing to do. Because I’m a trained alpha companion, and because it’s a fairly transparent test, I think I’ve known the right thing to do, but we can’t keep going like this forever.’

Maybe they weren’t trying to punish him in a cruel way, but that was how it felt. He couldn’t speak.

‘I don’t mind being tested,’ Janusz said, his palm rubbing Nate’s shoulder. ‘But there’s probably a lot of ways you’re testing me – maybe without even being aware – and that’s not the best thing to do if you want the relationship to be healthy. Direct communication is really scary for you. You don’t like to tell people what you want. In a perfect world, someone comes along and knows everything you want and need, and you don’t have to make decisions at all, right?’

Nate nodded. ‘Or if I make a decision, it’s what my alpha wanted anyway.’

‘Right,’ Janusz said. ‘I wish someone could be that for you, but that’s just not the way the world works. I don’t want to violate your privacy or read your writing before you’re ready for it. But we’re moving into a stage where I really, really want you to tell me that. Out loud. Or even on paper. Or even through text! We can develop non-verbal signals if that’s better. But something direct from you would be great. Especially at times like this, when you don’t want me to read your writing.’

There were blankets on the couch, and Nate reached for one. Janusz moved one of his arms to make it easier for Nate, and then helped Nate pull it over himself. Ever since that session with Bennett, he wanted blankets everywhere, even if they weren’t full nests. It was just nice to have them in reaching distance.

‘Good boy,’ Janusz said quietly. ‘You’re so perfect.’

‘It’s just a blanket.’

‘You’re still perfect. Now, look, I know this is really hard for you. But you’re going to practice telling me what you want sometimes. Sometimes I’m going to see an invisible test you’ve laid out for me, and instead of going along with it, I’m going to communicate what I’ve noticed so it’s more obvious what’s going on, and that it’s not a cool thing to do to someone. That’s not going to be easy. But I also didn’t mean for you to be this hurt, either. I’m sorry. I won’t be as casual about it next time; I think that didn’t help.’

The blanket was warm. Nate’s muscles relaxed slightly.

‘I don’t want to test you,’ Nate said. ‘That’s such a mean thing to do.’

‘It’s something a person with very little trust does,’ Janusz said patiently. ‘I don’t think you’re doing it to be mean, but it’s also unfair on the both of us. People are more likely to fail tests if they’re invisible. Even people who are trustworthy, or who are trying their best. But needing reassurance that your space and your things will be looked after is also normal after the kind of trauma you’ve been through. So we work out a way through it! You’re still going to have instincts to test me – you might always have them – so now we just…put that out in the open.’

Nate felt like he should never take his notebooks anywhere, ever again. Maybe that way he’d avoid accidentally testing anyone.

‘So, it’s out in the open,’ Janusz said quietly. ‘I’m going to ask you to do something for me.’

‘What’s that?’ Nate said, wanting to do things for Janusz so badly, even if it terrified him. He just wanted Janusz to be happy with him.

‘I want you to stop leaving the notebooks open on purpose. You can still leave them out, anywhere in the cottage. This is your cottage too. You can leave them open by accident, that will happen sometimes. But when you leave them open in the more obvious way you’ve been doing it, we’re going to have a conversation about it, to check that everything’s okay.’

Nate made a sound of unhappiness and Janusz stroked his back firmly. It felt grounding. Especially with the blanket there too.

‘I know, you won’t like that,’ Janusz said. ‘It sucks! The whole reason you’re doing it this way is so we don’t talk about it, because you don’t like saying what you want, or even just asking me if you’re safe with me. That’s why I’m telling you transparently what will happen. There’s still options. You can still choose to start a conversation by leaving a notebook open for me. Now we’re just shifting things a bit, so you can hopefully one day learn that talking to me and telling me what you want isn’t the end of the world.’

Nate felt a spike of resentment and curled up harder into himself.

‘It is though,’ he said mutinously. He thought of all the times Janusz mounted him or gave him pleasure, and never let Nate reciprocate, even when he begged. Saying what he wanted was terrifying, and it still never worked.

‘Hm?’

‘You won’t let me do anything to you even though you know I want that.’

A pause, and Nate felt a savage satisfaction that Janusz didn’t know what to say, because it was true. It was mean of Nate to be this way, he was never satisfied and always harping on, haranguing the person near him. His parents never understood why he had to have so many opinions about everything.

‘Actually, I’ve talked to Temsen about this, and I might have a solution for you,’ Janusz said.

Nate tensed. So far today, Janusz’ solutions sucked.

‘Let me explain first,’ Janusz said. ‘So, the normal protocol with alpha companions and how they treat omegas, is that no sexual or physical reciprocation is allowed until you’re able to accept pleasure – by your alpha’s will – as your due. But, trust me, I’ve noticed how upset you get, sweetheart, because you can’t reciprocate. Your response is way more severe than what’s typical. I’ve been worried about you.’

A grimace, because Nate was meant to be doing the opposite of making Janusz worry about him. He was meant to be convincing Janusz to let him give him a fucking orgasm once in a while. It wasn’t that hard!

All the stuff about receiving pleasure just made him feel itchy and agitated. He tried not to think about that.

‘Temsen approved an idea of mine, which is that you can reciprocate, but separately, and only under my complete control. So it will be when I say, and exactly how I want. And it won’t be – at least for a while – connected to sessions where I choose to give you pleasure.’

Nate’s thoughts screeched to a halt.

A part of him rushed to bury his excitement, his eagerness. Hadn’t he once told Christian he liked to be controlled? His heart fluttered in his chest, but a lot of that was terror. Did he just attract people who saw what he wanted, and then would point out how bad it was for him, by doing it in ways that hurt?

‘Nate, what’s wrong?’

Nate shook his head. Janusz took a deep breath. Nate could tell, could feel Janusz was going to use alpha persuasion and turned his head into Janusz’ chest, afraid.

‘Baby,’ Janusz said, not using alpha persuasion on him. Maybe he’d changed his mind.

‘Christian liked complete control too.’

Janusz was silent for a long time, and Nate’s face scrunched up. He was such a hypocrite, wanting to be controlled, being terrified of it at the same time.

‘I realise I’m so bad that I…’ He didn’t know how to finish the sentence. He knew Janusz didn’t agree with him.

The worst part was Nate liked being told what to do, he liked not having to make his own decisions, he loved when the effort he put into something was purely on behalf of his alpha’s wishes. It was hard to concentrate during sex, so when time was put aside for him to service his alpha, that made more sense to him. Then he could immerse himself into his alpha’s desires entirely.

But Christian had simultaneously turned that into being controlling all the time, while also being angry when Nate didn’t figure out the right thing to do on his own, because he was such a lazy omega.

‘Yeah, Christian really used this one against you, didn’t he?’ Janusz said, his voice deeper. ‘We’re going to take this slow. I think Christian had a habit of taking things to extremes, taking a very normal thing and turning it into something terrifying, and making you feel like it’s your fault. I know you’re not ready to think of it that way, but I think about it that way, and I don’t want to make any of this your fault.’

Nate swallowed, nodded to show he was listening. He inched closer to Janusz and tried to remember the way Janusz had called Nate easy to love.

Christian would never say something like that.

‘I like control,’ Janusz said. ‘I always have. I mean most alphas do, but it manifests in different ways. I can put it aside or channel it healthily, so it doesn’t hurt the omegas I’m with. The reason I’m suggesting I have control over you giving me pleasure, is so that if something goes wrong, it can’t be your fault. Even if I ask you to do something you don’t want to do, your resistance will show my lack of knowledge, not a fault in your obedience. I’m not asking for a slave who can’t think for himself, I want someone who’s willing to enter into that space with me, where we both learn together. If you’re not ready for that, that’s okay. But it will be the only way you can give me any pleasure sexually, any time soon, even though I do enjoy what we do together already.’

Janusz did seem to really enjoy what he did to Nate, but he never let Nate touch his dick, or suck him, or kiss his chest, or give him back massages. He never let Nate do any of it. Even when Nate cried and begged.

Janusz said that was possible now, but purely on Janusz’ terms.

Nate’s reflexive response to that was relief, and he felt awful for it.

‘I think you like being controlled,’ Janusz said quietly, like it was a secret.

Nate nodded, the gesture small.

‘And I think Christian hurt you with that,’ Janusz said.

Nate nodded again.

He knew he should be disagreeing, but it was harder these days. It wasn’t just living with Janusz, or his sessions with Bennett. No one seemed to be getting on board with the fact that Christian was right to treat him the way he did. Sometimes Nate felt ashamed for not agreeing with them.

‘Christian made you feel like wanting to be controlled sometimes was bad, and made you feel like that was your fault,’ Janusz added.

Nate nodded again.

‘Okay,’ Janusz said, taking a deep breath. ‘I so want to use alpha persuasion! But I don’t think now’s the time. If I’m going to be taking control in some more areas, I don’t want it to be in everything. But I might use alpha persuasion during or after sessions where you give me pleasure though, to track how you’re feeling.’

Nate didn’t always have proper responses to alpha persuasion. It always relaxed him in the moment, but the calm never seemed to last, and sometimes he felt anxious afterwards. Bennett said something about Christian’s misuse of it changing Nate’s relationship to it, but Nate had never liked that nothing in him could be truly private if an alpha decided it wasn’t allowed to be.

‘You’ve said you’re okay with me just coming up and making you do what I want in the past,’ Janusz said. ‘We’ve talked about it. Do you think you like it more than the average omega?’

‘I don’t know omegas, really,’ Nate said. ‘But yeah, I think so. Christian always said I was very lazy and lacked initiative.’

‘I don’t think Christian knows omegas either, baby.’

‘He knows them enough to fuck them,’ Nate said bitterly, thinking of Kaden’s voice on the phone when they’d called Christian. ‘He knows how to fuck Kaden.’

‘He knows how to hurt them,’ Janusz said, ‘but I don’t think Kaden’s having a good time either. No omega will ever be good enough for Christian, that’s kind of the point.’

Nate felt chilled all over. No one had ever said that to him, and he’d never thought of it like that. He’d assumed Kaden was just a better omega, that Christian was finally having a nicer life now that Nate wasn’t there.

Nate pushed back to look at Janusz properly.

‘Do you really think that’s true?’ Nate said, perplexed.

‘Yeah,’ Janusz said, his eyes becoming sympathetic. ‘Yeah, I do.’

‘But…’ Nate didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to believe it, but it made sense. Christian never spoke highly of any omega, unless he wanted to fuck them. He saw almost all omegas as manipulative weaklings and only talked highly of other omegas when comparing them to Nate.

Nate had assumed he was the worst of them, at the bottom of a pile of manipulative weaklings, with only the very few who remained that Christian still wanted to fuck.

Janusz gave Nate the space to say something, but in the end, Nate had nothing to say. It made him angry. He hated that there was nothing special about him if he was just one more stupid omega for Christian to hurt. He’d thought their relationship mattered. Christian had said it mattered in the beginning. He’d said Nate was special.

‘Why would anyone ever believe what alphas say?’ Nate said, looking down, unable to look at Janusz’ face, the anger those words would cause. If omegas were the manipulative ones, then Nate was the last person who should say something like that.

‘I definitely think you have a lot of reasons not to believe us,’ Janusz said, and he didn’t sound angry. ‘I think you have a lot of reasons to be reserved and wary. I think most omegas do. Alphas can be manipulative shitheads, we have ways to easily control and hurt omegas, and we’re one of the big reasons omegas don’t have much power in society. Probably the biggest reason.’

‘So then…do you think Kaden’s- Do you think…? Is it going to be the same? Will Christian say he’s nice, and sp-special, and say he matters and then everything else will happen, no matter what?’

‘Maybe,’ Janusz said. ‘We tried our best to reach out to Kaden’s family, but he’s not our responsibility. We can’t help everyone. And it might not be the same. Christian might have just had Kaden there to make you upset. Or he might discard Kaden faster, not wanting to send another omega to an ORF. He might become the kind of alpha who has a lot of one-night-stands or who heat-hunts vulnerable omegas who are pre-heat to use and discard them.’

‘No, but…’ Nate whispered. ‘He’s not like that.’

‘Yeah, he might not be,’ Janusz said easily.

‘But you think he’s like that?’

‘I think he’s a psychopath,’ Janusz said. ‘I think he’s malicious and cruel, and he weaponised his mental illness so he could constantly have a reason to pull the rug out from under you, and erase the trauma he was causing you by blaming you for making his worse.’

‘You…’ Nate felt sick.

‘You’re bright, creative, intelligent, thoughtful, and compassionate,’ Janusz said. ‘Even after all the trauma you’ve experienced. I love you so much, Nate. You don’t have to feel the same way. All these things in yourself that you see as flaws: that you talk back, that you get angry, that you engage with what you’re hearing, and what people are telling you, they’re a spark I appreciate. It doesn’t mean you get everything right all the time, neither do I. We’re both human!’

Janusz pulled Nate close.

‘I could murder a sundae right about now. One of those ones with the cherries on top. Like in the movies. What do you think?’

Nate nodded and closed his eyes.

‘I can’t just change the way I think, the way you want me to,’ Nate said, his voice muted. ‘I can’t. I loved him. I was willing to- Willing to die for him.’

‘I know, baby,’ Janusz said. ‘You don’t have to think the way I do. I’m really annoying about wanting to protect you from harm, that way. You’re allowed to tell me if it’s too much or tell me to stop. But you asked, and you don’t often ask me what I think of Christian. I didn’t want to lie.’

‘And now you want a sundae? To distract me from all of this?’

Janusz tilted Nate’s head up, a finger beneath his chin, and pecked him lightly on the mouth. His lips were soft and warm. The brief brush of stubble felt good.

‘This was a hard conversation for the both of us, and I think we need a break. It’s not a distraction if we both know this stuff is important. It’s a break. I think a drive on a windy day, a sundae with some extra hot fudge, and time to think about other, less heavy things is in order.’

Nate chewed on his bottom lip, only stopping when Janusz moved his fingers from Nate’s chin to his mouth, touching gently.

Nate clenched his hands into Janusz’ shirt.

‘That sounds nice,’ he said.

The word was so fucking insipid, but that’s what so much of Hillview was sometimes. And behind that was a growing relief. He was relieved.

Janusz wanted a break, Nate needed one. A sundae sounded tasty. A drive sounded exciting, a time where Nate could rest his thoughts, because Janusz would put on music and focus on the road. The conversation they’d had was challenging, but Nate felt a quiet anticipation, a desire to be controlled, to know that a version of it might exist where Nate wasn’t made to betray himself.

He wanted to trust Janusz, but he just…couldn’t yet.

But it was nice to think one day he might.

Chapter Text

Janusz

*

Janusz was nervous. It was one thing to have control over Nate’s pleasure, but another to control Nate pleasing him sexually, while mindful he knew so few of Nate’s triggers.

Aside from being forced to sleep with multiple partners, Nate was reluctant to share what he didn’t enjoy. Janusz was really only aware of Nate hating different forms of suffocation, which was understandable given Christian’s attitudes to blowjobs, and being rimmed.

Janusz didn’t get too creative when he imagined torturing and murdering Christian, but suffocation definitely rose to the top of the list after he realised how brutal Christian had been with Nate.

He finished up with his paperwork as Nate wiped down the table.

Nate had been exploring different kinds of housework on his own terms, and he didn’t seem to force himself. He tried doing the dishes, then stopped for two days. He tried changing the linens and stopped afterwards. Janusz was privately pleased. These were exactly the explorations they wanted to see from omegas, because it meant they were figuring out what they liked, balancing that against what they’d always been expected to do.

It was two days since Janusz took Nate apart in the bedroom, coaxing him into multiple orgasms and forcing him through two more when Nate was overloaded. He couldn’t get enough of Nate’s walls broken down, the softening in his face, the surrender which he couldn’t help. Nate responded beautifully in the bedroom when Janusz was in control, but overall, he wasn’t given to being sensual.

They’d start there.

‘Nate, I want you to come with me, please,’ Janusz said, standing and leaving the tablet where it was.

Nate subtly froze, then folded the tea towel and placed it on the kitchen bench before coming over. He didn’t look afraid, but there was a wariness to him that Janusz expected. Nate’s fear had lessened over time, but he still always wondered if something terrible was coming, some punishment for a slight Christian invented.

Janusz reached out and took Nate by the wrist, then slid his hand down until he could tangle his fingers with Nate’s cool ones, drawing him closer, nostrils flaring to pick up that mix of jasmine and rain. He pressed his nose to Nate’s neck, feeling him shiver, and breathed in deeply.

Although what they were about to do was a technical exercise he’d need to observe and later write paperwork on, he was grounded and desperately invested in the experience for its own sake. He couldn’t detangle his professional self from wanting Nate to be his. Even like this, his jaw ached with the need to sink his teeth into Nate’s Kaeper glands.

Janusz took several deep breaths and straightened, looking down at Nate, whose eyes were wide, yielding already.

‘We’re going to my bedroom, and I’m going to take control for a while, all right?’

‘Yeah,’ Nate said. ‘Can I make you feel good, today?’

‘That’s the aim, baby.’ Janusz smiled. His fingers tightened on Nate’s.

They walked down the corridor together, and then Janusz stood by his bed, Nate in front of him.

‘I want you to take your clothes off,’ Janusz said. ‘It doesn’t have to be a strip tease. Do it however feels comfortable. But I want you completely naked by the end.’

Nate nodded, cheeks reddening, fingers moving to his shirt. He undressed easily. He wasn’t as body-shy as some, he genuinely seemed to find it easier to have orders to follow. Janusz was hopeful Nate was right when he said he was drawn to being controlled, even though it would make it harder to separate from Nate when the time came.

In so many ways, Nate was perfect for him.

Nate folded all his clothes, placing them by the foot of the bed, then stood with his fingers moving nervously at his sides, waiting.

‘You’re doing so great,’ Janusz said, grinning. ‘It’s my turn now. I want you to undress me, too. You can start with my shirt.’

Nate nervously scraped his teeth over his lower lip, then walked forward, and Janusz bent down to help Nate take his shirt off.

‘Trousers next,’ Janusz said, loving the way Nate’s fingers moved to the hem of his trousers, fingers unsnapping the button with some awkwardness, fingertips brushing against the sensitive skin at his pelvis, like he couldn’t help it.

Nate folded those too and waited to be told what to do next. He’d learned from being mounted that Janusz liked to control every stage.

‘That’s good,’ Janusz said, beckoning Nate close again, so they were standing chest to chest, skin brushing. Nate’s chest was nearly hairless against the hair on Janusz’ chest.

He drew Nate onto the bed and sat at the headboard, spreading his legs so Nate could settle between them. He’d kept his underwear on intentionally, and with his legs spread, Nate couldn’t pull them off.

‘This next part might be new for you,’ Janusz said, curving a hand around Nate’s side. ‘I want you to touch me, however you like, but you can’t touch my cock or balls intentionally. I just want you to explore. Find things I like.’

Nate swallowed, eyes darting around Janusz’ body nervously. He didn’t move straight away.

‘It’s not a test,’ Janusz said. ‘I’ll tell or show you when I like something, and you can do that thing as much as you want. I like a lot of what you do, so it won’t be hard. You don’t have to make me come. This is about my pleasure, right? That’s not just about orgasms.’

Nate said nothing at all, which meant he was still wary. When Nate was relaxed, he spoke more freely.

Nate did nothing at first, then looked over Janusz’ body. His cheek tensed on one side, like he was sucking the inside, or biting down.

Had Christian asked him to do something like this and then punished him for getting it wrong?

Nate came to a decision and reached forward, hesitated, eyes darting to Janusz’, then placed his hand flat on Janusz’ belly. The muscles there jumped reflexively, and Janusz couldn’t help but smile. He thought Nate might move his hand away, but Nate only looked between his hand and Janusz’ face several times, before his thumb curled.

Nate left his hand there, then curved it towards Janusz’ flank, and down, over his briefs, down further over the outside of his left thigh. The touch was firmer than Janusz expected. Most omegas he’d asked this of started lightly at first, but Nate had a confidence in his movements, which was fascinating.

It felt good, too. Janusz hummed to show he was pleased, slightly exaggerating the sound so Nate had more to go on. He relaxed more against the headboard.

‘That’s nice,’ Janusz said.

Nate looked at him, looked down, and his other hand palmed over Janusz’ thigh. Hands smoothed down over his quads, and Nate’s thumbs ran inwards towards Janusz’ groin, before moving back out again over his hips.

Janusz’ eyebrows lifted. That was outright teasing.

‘You’re good at this,’ Janusz said.

‘Am I?’ Nate said. He didn’t tease again, but moved further down Janusz’ legs, shuffling backwards to make room.

‘You really are.’

Nate explored, trailing fingertips over the leg hairs on Janusz’ shins. Palming the bridges of his feet in a way that felt caring and gentle. He even pressed his thumbs to the ball of each big toe, massaging the joint there, before touching both of Janusz’ little toes with the tips of his index fingers. It was so whimsical, after everything else, and Janusz wondered what Nate was thinking. But all Janusz did was tell Nate when he liked something or make a noise of enjoyment in the back of his throat.

Nate’s scent settled. A bloom of jasmine in the air, rain behind it, and Janusz took a deep breath.

‘Do that again,’ Janusz said, when Nate dragged his knuckles up along the undersides of Janusz’ feet, from the heel to the toes.

Nate did it several more times, and Janusz sighed, wanting to close his eyes and get lost in it. But not yet. Maybe one day in the future, not today.

It was possible Christian commanded Nate to give him regular massages, even made him do an online course. Nate touched Janusz like he was mapping out muscle tension, and the firm touch – now that he thought about it – reminded him of a massage.

Nate moved up Janusz’ legs over his thighs and placed his arms on either side of Janusz’ hips. It was a position so reminiscent of getting a blowjob that Janusz couldn’t help but get hard. The position was suggestive, and Nate seemed to know it.

This, this was why Janusz needed to do these exercises.

‘Are you really in control?’ Nate said, as his hands returned to Janusz’ vulnerable belly. If their relationship was different, Janusz would have grabbed him and rolled him over and pinned him. The alpha instinct to show his strength, feel the satisfaction in it, was strong. ‘Sorry,’ Nate added.

‘What do you think?’ Janusz said, his voice calm and easy.

‘You’re getting hard but not doing anything about it.’

‘Isn’t that a form of control?’

Nate was silent, then his thumbs moved down to the hem of Janusz’ briefs.

‘Careful,’ Janusz said, staring at Nate.

Nate froze; shallow breathing audible for several seconds.

‘But you want to,’ Nate said.

‘No, I’ve told you what I want,’ Janusz said. ‘But maybe you want to test if that’s actually true? That’s okay. It’s not a trick, Nate. I’d like you to stick to what I asked, please.’

‘But it’s just your underwear,’ Nate said, and shuddered, like he knew how much he was testing the limits. Was it part of being an atypical omega? It was almost flirtatious, but Janusz suspected there was fear and challenge behind it.

Nate paused for a moment longer and then shifted out from between Janusz’ legs to kneel beside him, moving one of his hands up Janusz’ chest instead. Now the touch seemed less sure of itself. Less massage-focused, or even teasing-focused, like Nate wasn’t sure what to do anymore.

‘This is nice,’ Janusz said, when Nate drew a spiral down his sternum.

A moment later, lips pressed down in the dip between Janusz’ pectorals. Nate’s lips weren’t dry at all, despite the way he worried at them with his teeth. Janusz felt shaky breathing against his skin, a tongue pressing, tasting, and Nate bracing himself with one hand on Janusz’ shoulder, and the other on his ribs.

Nate looked up.

‘You said I could do whatever,’ Nate said.

‘I did. Your mouth feels good.’

Nate grimaced, looked between Janusz’ legs, and then away again. Janusz grinned. He knew exactly what Nate was thinking.

‘Not everything has to be about me having an orgasm,’ Janusz said finally. ‘Sensuality can exist for its own sake, you know? Pleasure for me is more than having my dick sucked, or touched, or putting it in someone. I have a whole body, and it can feel pretty great things.’

Nate bent down and pressed his closed mouth to Janusz’ side. And then looked up again, checking.

‘I’m thinking I’m going to like all of it,’ Janusz said, and Nate’s mouth quirked in what might have been the beginning of a smile.

‘Is there… If it’s not about you coming, then when does it stop?’

‘When I say so, probably in another ten minutes.’

‘Oh,’ Nate said. ‘Um. Can I touch your hair?’

‘Yeah! That’d be awesome. You want me to sit differently?’

‘No, it’s okay,’ Nate said, coming closer. He looked at Janusz’ mouth for a moment, then bit his lower lip as he reached up and touched Janusz’ hair. Then his scalp. Then the curve of his ear, which was sensitive. Janusz shivered and laughed when Nate repeated the same motion to get the same reaction.

‘Ticklish,’ Janusz said. ‘It’s still nice, though.’

Nate bent down and pressed his mouth to Janusz’ ear, and at first his mouth was closed, but then his tongue came out and licked over the skin. One bold, slow stroke. Janusz closed his eyes and groaned, and this time he wasn’t exaggerating anything at all.

‘Ten minutes?’ Nate said. ‘Really?’

‘Okay, fuck,’ Janusz said. ‘Sure.’

‘You like this a lot,’ Nate said, repeating the motion again, speaking into Janusz’ ear. One hand came to rest high on Janusz’ chest. Eventually, after Janusz had melted down into the bed, Nate nuzzled at the side of his head, scratched gently at his scalp, from his hairline back to the pillow.

‘You’ve read some kind of cheat-sheet on me,’ Janusz said. ‘You’re a quick study, it turns out.’

‘I still think an orgasm would be nicer,’ Nate said, though he sounded less sullen now and more speculative. ‘Is this really okay? I don’t mind if you want to go further.’

‘I know, baby,’ Janusz said, then reached out, absently fingering Nate’s hair when he bent down to kiss Janusz’ chest. Nate paused for a couple of seconds, then kept going. He was growing in confidence.

What Janusz privately marvelled at was how intuitively Nate found Janusz’ sensitive areas. When he’d asked most omegas to do this in the past, it was tentative and careful, but Nate lasered in. He didn’t smell terrified, either. He received real peace from being allowed to give Janusz pleasure.

The trick now would be finding things to do that didn’t trigger him too badly. He imagined Christian exploited Nate mercilessly and weaponised any of his strengths against him.

‘I don’t get why you smell so good,’ Nate said, mouth against Janusz’ chest, breathing in and hardly moving. He’d been like that for nearly a minute.

‘No?’ Janusz said. ‘It’s nice that you like it. What do you like about it?’

‘Um. Just…I don’t know. It’s not like those scents that are super sweet, or cloying. You know how sometimes you wake up feeling really awake? Instead of tired or heavy? I don’t know if you feel that. I don’t feel it much.’

‘Sure, I know that feeling.’ That was how Janusz felt pretty much every morning. He mentally filed away that Nate felt like alertness in the morning was rare. Might be something to discuss with Temsen.

‘That’s what it’s like,’ Nate said. ‘Like that.’

‘Wow,’ Janusz said. ‘That’s awesome. Let’s bottle it and sell it to people who don’t enjoy getting up in the morning.’

‘Like me,’ Nate said, idly tracing little shapes across Janusz’ torso, head now fully resting on his chest.

Janusz reached out and placed a careful, consoling hand on Nate’s back.

Nate actually seemed at peace. Not fighting him after an orgasm, to give pleasure back. Not smelling strongly of fear or pain. Not crying. He was volunteering conversation, even personal information.

Janusz wished desperately that this could be a picture of the rest of their lives together. It was dangerous to imagine, but he couldn’t help but see a future where Nate rested against his chest like this, fingers drawing onto his skin, peaceful and sweet, as the waves pounded against the shoreline in the distance. Their scents mingling, and Janusz wondering how much Nate’s scent might develop if he was claimed.

It took another couple of minutes for Janusz to realise Nate was tracing individual letters on Janusz’ skin. Words. Janusz’ eyes widened – Nate faced the other way, hiding his expression – and he stared up at the ceiling as he tried to puzzle together the letters. Once he worked out the orientation, everything else fell together.

Endless. Soft. Scared. Random words. Was it how Nate felt? Was he remembering a story? A poem?

Is this weakness, or is it something new?

Nate even drew the question mark, before rubbing his palm over Janusz’ belly, erasing all the words he’d written, or maybe pressing them in.

Janusz wished he knew what Nate was writing before, wished he knew everything Nate had been saying, without saying a word.

Janusz wanted to answer the question, but he let Nate keep his secrets, and didn’t know how to articulate how captivated he felt by a random series of words, a strange question.

‘Ten minutes are up,’ Janusz said, sure that fifteen lazy minutes had gone by.

‘Ah,’ Nate said, looking at him uncertainly. ‘I meant to do more. You can roll over, if you want.’

‘Baby, it doesn’t matter what you meant to do. You did what I wanted you to do. Couldn’t have asked for anything better.’

Nate pushed up fully, sitting closer to Janusz than normal, legs bent at the knees. He studied the bedspread for a while. ‘Will it always be like this? Will you ever let me give you an orgasm?’

‘I sure will. Are you kidding? I’d love that. But this always goes slower than you think is fair, until it goes too fast to be fair. Of the two, it’s better for you to be a bit bored sometimes.’

‘I wasn’t bored,’ Nate said, eyes widening. ‘Did you think I was bored?’

‘No, sweetheart, I didn’t think you were bored.’

‘I really wasn’t,’ Nate insisted, earnest and eager and sweet.

‘And did you like it? It’s a new kind of control, isn’t it? It won’t always be like this. Sometimes I’ll be telling you what to do down to the details, like when I mount you. But sometimes…well, what did you think?’

Nate looked off into the distance, like he could see past the walls.

‘It was something new,’ he said. ‘I thought it was something else, but…it’s something new.’

Janusz realised Nate answered the question he’d written on Janusz’ skin, and couldn’t help but smile.

No, it wasn’t weakness. It was something new.

God, it was going to destroy him when he had to let Nate go, but he was inching closer to the realisation that he wasn’t giving this omega up without a fight.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

Nate’s second heat came with subtle, rolling cramps. Nate wondered if he’d eaten something that disagreed with him. But as the cramps increased in strength, he realised he was making a lot more slick than normal, and his heart skipped a beat in a sickening way.

He wasn’t upset, exactly, but as he stared at his face in the bathroom, tugging on some of his dark hair, he knew he’d have to say he was in heat to Janusz, if Janusz couldn’t already tell from his scent.

It all reminded him of the drive down to Hillview with Christian, how awful and tense it had been. Nate closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe through rising nausea and broke out into a clammy sweat. This was definitely a heat, then. He wanted to forget they existed.

He thought he’d have more time with Janusz to explore sex without the cloudiness of his pheromones. He feared what he’d say, what he’d do, during a heat.

He was scared.

His breathing shook. He placed his hands on the bathroom counter and bent over it, eyes hot with tears. He wanted it to be good. He knew Janusz was nice to him the first time, despite Nate thinking he should be mean. But nice wasn’t good. Nice didn’t mean he wouldn’t be thinking of Christian, the way things should be, how all of this meant he couldn’t serve Janusz properly.

Nate forced himself to take several deep breaths, swallowing down saliva that turned cold in his mouth, but as he placed his hand on the bathroom door, it swung open. Nate hurriedly stepped out of the way, then turned his head aside as he realised Janusz would know. He’d know.

‘I’m sorry,’ Nate forced himself to say.

This was so stupid, really. So dumb. Things had been getting better, hadn’t they? Even Bennett said…

‘It’s here, huh?’ Janusz said, his voice soft. ‘It’s okay, Nate.’

‘I’m sorry, though,’ Nate said, his voice shaking. ‘I thought we had more time. I wanted to be better.’

Janusz stepped into the bathroom, right up close, and Nate felt weak and stupid as he stretched up on his tiptoes just so he could hide his face in Janusz’ neck. Janusz’ scent was fortifying. It was sharp and cleared the air. Christian’s scent had always been cloying, though Nate told himself he only felt that way because he was bad at interpreting scents. Everyone else loved it and said it reminded them of vanilla cookies.

‘I keep thinking about Christian,’ Nate said. Janusz tensed subtly, but Nate still noticed. He couldn’t help it. He wanted to wrap his hands around Janusz and cling to him, beg him to stay, but a good omega wouldn’t talk about a past alpha like this.

‘Feeling a bit out of it, yeah? Do you think you’re going to be sick?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘What do you need, Nate?’

Ah, even that was better. The fogginess of the past was cold, and reminded him of Christian, and it made him think he was constantly doing things wrong. Then there was Janusz’ alpha persuasion, the clarity that came with it, even if he couldn’t control his own responses anymore.

‘I don’t know,’ Nate said again, voice rougher, earnest. ‘This reminds me of last time. The car ride with Christian, not knowing what was going to happen to me.’

Janusz kept Nate’s face against his shoulder and neck for another few seconds and then pulled back just enough to look at his face, expression sober, gaze searching. Nate could tell he was thinking quickly, because Janusz tilted his head. It meant he was deciding something.

‘Let’s go have a quick conversation before things really set in,’ Janusz said.

He guided Nate out of the bathroom, not to the lounge – like Nate expected – but to Janusz’ bedroom. To the black and silver leopard print on his bed. Nate stared at it and made a strangled sound.

‘Does it have to look like this?’ Nate said, feeling awful for saying anything at all. He wrapped his arms around his chest. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Janusz. I’m so-’

‘Stop,’ Janusz said firmly, but not angrily. ‘Tell me what you mean.’

‘I hate the animal prints,’ Nate said, crying now, tears trickling down his face. ‘It makes me feel so cheap. I don’t know why. I know you like them. I’ve been trying to like them too. They’re yours. It’s your cottage. I don’t even know why I’m like this.’

Janusz took a huge breath, blew it out, and Nate braced himself for yelling, or disapproval, or even gentle disappointment. To his amazement, Janusz smiled. It wasn’t sarcastic or mean or cruel. It was sweet. Relieved.

Nate stared at him.

‘What?’ he said.

‘God, I’ve been waiting so long, baby. So fucking long, for you tell me what you really think about these blankets. Well done, Nate. I’m so proud of you, you have no idea. No, we don’t have to have the animal prints.’

‘What?’ Nate said. ‘It was a trick?’

‘It’s not a trick,’ Janusz said, keeping one hand on Nate’s arm as he pulled the blanket off the bed. ‘You’re going to cringe, but I do actually like them. They don’t feel cheap to me. And a lot of them aren’t cheap. But-’

‘-But you like them,’ Nate breathed. ‘You should keep it on the bed. Please keep it.’

‘Nope,’ Janusz said. He backed up onto his own bed and pulled Nate to him, spreading his legs and tightening them around Nate’s thighs, as Nate stepped between them. He pressed his face against Nate’s sternum. ‘Heats are hard for you, Nate. We want to make them as easy as possible. So, here’s the deal: I’m still going to have animal prints in my bedroom sometimes, but sometimes I won’t! And during a heat, you won’t have to see an animal print on my bed ever again. Promise.’

Nate didn’t know what was wrong with him. He was behaving like some kind of child, overwrought and crying at the stupidest things. He hadn’t even been this bad last time. He hadn’t been this bad in years.

‘It’s all overwhelming, isn’t it?’ Janusz said, stroking his knuckles along Nate’s sides. The touch felt good and thrilling but also comforting. Nate nodded. ‘This heat might be rough for new reasons. You’ve learned a bit more about yourself, about how people have treated you, and you’re still getting the hang of speaking up for yourself. It’s okay if you always have trouble with that, Nate. I’ll be here to help you. Last time I couldn’t find out what you like to eat when you’re in heat, do you think we can have a conversation about that this time?’

Nate nodded again. He bit his tongue to stop himself from saying, “Whatever you want.” He was literally trying to work on the opposite of that with Bennett, but Nate hated it.

‘Awesome,’ Janusz said. ‘Are solid foods an option? Or do you want liquid only?’

Nate took some slower breaths, timing them to the movements of Janusz’ slow strokes along his sides. He shivered, pressed closer without thinking.

‘Liquid is better,’ Nate said finally, and reminded himself he didn’t have to make it. He didn’t have to make broth. It felt so wrong not to be in the kitchen right now, preparing food for Christian in advance. ‘But towards the end, I sometimes… Uh. I don’t know. It might not be true anymore.’

‘What might not be true anymore?’

‘I used to crave stews and casseroles towards the end.’

‘Heartier foods, but still easy to chew and get into your system,’ Janusz said, like he wasn’t surprised at all. ‘That makes sense. I’ll text the kitchen and let them know to drop off some broth for the beginning, and something hearty I can reheat for you. Do you like to have anything with it? Bread? Dumplings? Anything like that?’

‘Dumplings?’ Nate asked.

‘I’ll get them to send some with the stew. Bigos is probably out of the question; otherwise, I’d make you some. It’s maybe a bit too heavy to try at the tail end of a heat. Remind me to cook some for you after your heat! Hm. Do you like dill? You like herby things sometimes, don’t you?’

Nate nodded, and Janusz rubbed his belly like a reward. Nate’s breathing shook, and his knees felt weak.

‘Janusz…’

‘It’s all right, sweetheart, I’m just thinking of making some zupa koperkowa for you. But I don’t want to be cooking during your heat, so I’m getting distracted.’

‘You…’ Nate forced himself to take a breath. He was allowed to ask questions. They weren’t all traps by default. He ground his teeth together for a few seconds. ‘You…like cooking, don’t you?’

Christian would have said that he did, but that Nate had ruined it by being too needy, and now it was just one more thing he’d have to heal from. Which then explained why he never cooked again, and why Nate had to do all of it.

‘Love it,’ Janusz said emphatically. ‘But not as a full-time deal. I enjoy making the things my mum made for me when I was growing up. She was so shocked when I asked her for all her recipes, and it turned out she hadn’t written most of them down. I’d love to cook for you more. Especially when you’re recovering from a heat. It feels good.’

‘Really?’ Nate said dubiously. Cooking for Christian always made Nate feel overwhelmed. Sometimes he fought with himself not to cry from the weakness in his body as he cooked for Christian and sometimes all of Christian’s guests. Especially because none of them seemed to care that the food might burn if they wanted to fuck him again.

‘Yeah. Nothing feels better than getting to the other side of a heat and making sure you get to have a soft landing. Like I said, heats are a lot for you to go through.’

‘They’re exhausting for alphas,’ Nate said.

‘It’s not the same,’ Janusz said. ‘Like, sure, it’s a bit like running a marathon. But I’m not going through the same biological changes you are. I won’t run a fever, and I won’t be at the mercy of my body in the same way. Unfortunately, heats don’t really give omegas much choice, so it’s up to me to make sure I use my energy to take care of yours.’

‘Because…it’s your job?’

‘Because that’s literally what alphas are supposed to do,’ Janusz said, shrugging. ‘It’s what most of us instinctively want to do. It’s really not about the job. When I officially retire as an alpha companion, whenever that is, if anything I’ll probably be more intense about making sure my omega gets fed right and looked after.’

Janusz stared at him, grey eyes fierce with something Nate thought he might drown in. Sometimes Janusz stared at him as if he wanted more from Nate, and Nate didn’t know how to handle it. He knew Janusz loved him, because Janusz still said it, and he really seemed to not expect anything in return. But like this, standing so close, Nate was painfully aware of Janusz’ pheromones and how good it felt to be near him, Nate felt the pressure to return those expectations even while he knew he couldn’t be with Janusz forever. That wasn’t what Hillview was for.

He didn’t even know if he really wanted to be with Janusz like that. It didn’t matter. He tried not to think about the future as often as possible.

Bennett said that was normal for someone with Nate’s background. That often led to Nate trying to convince Bennett he hadn’t actually gone through anything, and categorising his past relationship as “traumatic” was unfair to Christian and omegas who had gone through worse. Bennett would give his placid, gentle smile and not argue back, leaving Nate to sit with his sentences and feel uncomfortable about them.  

Infuriating.

‘Let’s get the bed set up,’ Janusz said, his expression softening. ‘Do you want to get some of your nesting blankets?’

Nate nodded, pressing his lips together as he turned to look at the animal print blanket Janusz had pulled off the bed.

Janusz had known Nate hated them, and…waited for Nate to speak up about it? Nate thought about the situation with the journal, and how he was supposed to talk about the things he wanted and didn’t want.

He just wanted to stop thinking.

‘I don’t want to decide anymore,’ Nate said, wiping at his face with the back of his hand. ‘I know that’s bad.’

‘It’s not,’ Janusz said gently. ‘It’s really not. Heats are overwhelming. I’m going to get your nesting blankets, some water and sports drinks, send some messages out so we can make sure we have fresh bedding too, and then I’m going to give you a massage to ease you into this properly. If you feel you need something, and you have the energy to tell me, then I’d love it – so much! – if you’d tell me. But otherwise I think you’re going to have a pretty tough time just being taken care of, hm? You’re doing a great job, Nate.’

Janusz took Nate’s hand – smeared with tears – and rubbed it with the back of his thumb. Then he reached up and cupped Nate’s jaw, faintly troubled.

You’re too nice, Nate thought, but maybe – just once – he wanted to know what that felt like without fighting against it all the time.

‘Are you going to be nice to me?’ Nate said.

Janusz’ smile was real, a little pained, and Nate reached out and scratched idly at Janusz’ stubble. He liked it. Janusz turned and pressed his lips to Nate’s fingertips.

‘Yeah,’ Janusz said. ‘Well. Going to try and be good for you. I’m going to get up soon and step out of the room to get things organised. If you’re not okay, I want you to call me, okay? You said you were too tired to decide, so I’m deciding for you right now.’

‘Um.’ Nate took a long breath. ‘Okay.’

‘Baby, I want you to remember you’re already doing amazing. You don’t have to change a single thing, promise.’

Nate let himself be guided by Janusz, who stood and turned Nate to the bed, encouraging him to sit on it. He gave Nate a lingering look before heading out of the room, reaching for his pocket where his phone was.

Nate shuddered, and reached to take his clothing off automatically, before he remembered he didn’t have to do that straight away here. Not unless he really felt like it.

‘Everything’s so weird,’ Nate said under his breath.

He closed his eyes. At least he wasn’t crying anymore.

*

Janusz brought all of Nate’s nesting blankets and put them on the bed, and when he left again – saying something about texting the kitchens and the laundry – Nate weeded out the blankets he didn’t want. It was instinctive, he just knew which ones belonged and which ones didn’t.

In one of Corbyn’s poetry books, he’d written of the way omegas interacted with blankets, how their instincts decided things for them. It came to mind now as Nate felt the texture of a knit blanket and then tossed it off the side of the bed with a wrinkle of displeasure across his nose. Definitely not that one.

Furs and skins, it would have been, once. Not that animal,
but this one, not that beast, but that one.
Communing with spirits, seeking the blessing
of the wolf, dingo, crow, rabbit.
Rejecting those of the lion, eagle, quenda, raccoon.
There are still those who do it this way,
but for most, it’s cotton or knit, loose or tight, fuzzy or smooth,
puzzling over our fingers knowing the truths
alphas deny us.

Nate wondered distantly if he’d have a better understanding of the process if he touched a sheepskin or kangaroo skin. Maybe he could ask Corbyn one day. It seemed like the kind of thing he would have tried.

When Janusz returned, Nate was foggy enough to feel pliant as Janusz placed bottles of water and electrolytes on the bedside table. He watched Janusz bring out lubricant from a drawer and wanted to say something about how he had plenty of slick already. Enough it was revolting.

Say what you want.

Nate made a faint sound of discontent and looked away before Janusz could make eye contact.

‘What is it, sweetheart?’ Janusz said. Nate closed his eyes.

Alpha persuasion made everything so much easier. ‘I don’t want to get as disgusting as last time.’

‘Then I’ll wipe you down,’ Janusz said, a smile in his voice. Nate cracked one eyelid open and looked at him, blushing when he realised he was behaving like a child.

‘I’m being fussy.’

‘Good!’ Janusz said. ‘But you’re not really being fussy at all, baby. You just want to make this more comfortable. They’re things I can do.’

Nate bit the inside of his lip a few times, then pressed his palm to his pelvis as a sharp little cramp stabbed at him. Ah, he was going to be making a lot of slick, if things were this bad so early. He took a shaking breath and turned into Janusz without thinking. Janusz pulled him close.

‘Do I need to see Temsen?’ Nate said.

‘God, no,’ Janusz said. ‘Unless you think something’s really wrong?’

Nate shook his head, and Janusz sighed in relief.

‘Yeah, no, I don’t want Temsen here, and there’s no suggestion the heat will be unhealthy. As for making it good, that’s up to me, not him.’

Nate breathed in Janusz’ scent and felt dizzy. Absently, he pushed up the hem of Janusz’ T-shirt and pressed his face to Janusz’ belly, the little hairs scattered everywhere. He liked it. The scent here was stronger, and Nate pushed his nose in, vaguely aware he should say something about Christian, or how he should try harder.

He just wanted closeness.

‘My soft boy,’ Janusz cooed, stroking Nate’s hair. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

Nate wanted to tell Janusz he wasn’t doing anything. In fact, he was doing the least he’d ever done during a single one of his heats, and he didn’t know how to describe how strange it felt, how disobedient he was being. But Nate didn’t have the heart to fight back against all of this, not when it felt so good.

Chapter Text

Nate

*

Heats had different rules. Nate learned that quickly when he went to press his mouth to Janusz’ chest, and Janusz braced him at the shoulders and seemed considering. Nate would break at the idea of everything being one-sided now. It was a visceral need inside him to do more, but Janusz said he was the one who would make all the decisions.

‘Please,’ Nate begged. ‘Please let me.’

Janusz hadn’t even fucked him yet. It was after the massage, Nate’s arms and shoulders feeling lax, slick making its first slow trickle down the inside of his leg, and Nate wanted to press his mouth to Janusz’ and taste him, breathe him in, drown in it.

The force against his shoulder softened.

‘Look at you,’ Janusz said, like he couldn’t quite believe it.

‘So I can?’ Nate said, and hoped Janusz knew what he meant.

‘Sure, sweetheart. I’ll let you know when it’s time to change things up. Don’t push yourself.’

Nate nodded fervently, then bent down and licked across Janusz’ pectorals. He liked the sensory feedback of someone else’s skin, even the way their hairs felt as his tongue glided over them. He liked the way Janusz’ nipple pebbled slowly under soft licks, and Janusz scruffed his hand into Nate’s hair and took a deep breath, then sighed it out like he was feeling good.

Nate had missed this. It was strange, really, because he felt like he was constantly in service to Christian. But with Janusz it was different. It felt special, it felt powerful when Nate got to choose what he was doing with Janusz.

A different kind of decision-making.

Nate licked and mouthed his way across Janusz’ chest, pushing his nose into the crease of his arm and side. Janusz chuckled and lifted his arm so Nate could lick into his armpit. A faint hint of deodorant, chemical and metallic, and beneath that a saltiness that was gentle.

‘And here I was not knowing how sensual you were for such a long time,’ Janusz almost purred. ‘Does that feel good?’

Nate nodded, then shuddered as Janusz used their proximity to stroke Nate’s hair and neck. He massaged his thumb firmly into Nate’s Kaeper glands on the back of his neck.

A rocketing heat down his spine, his ass clenched on nothing at all, and slick spilled out of him. He whimpered, going lax automatically, thighs tensing with a need to push his ass up. Janusz laughed dangerously as he pushed up into a sitting position, switching to the knuckles of his index and middle fingers, dragging them up and down the Kaeper glands.

Nate’s mouth was open as he breathed, his legs spread.

‘How’s that?’ Janusz said, voice low.

‘Fuck me,’ Nate said, his voice breaking. ‘Please. Please, Janusz.’

‘Yeah, your poor glands, all swollen. Your lare glands are probably feeling full too, hm?’

Nate nodded, and as Janusz knelt up properly, Nate naturally moved into a presenting position. He wanted Janusz’ cock inside him, his knot pressing down. This was so much easier than their first time together. For a start, it didn’t feel like Christian was in the room with him, monitoring everything they were doing together, everything Nate was doing wrong, every way he wasn’t measuring up.

There was still guilt and shame in the back of Nate’s mind, fear of being rejected, being found ugly, but Janusz’ scent was so good to him, giving him something to focus on, something to anchor into.

Janusz’ fingers slid into him, two and then three, and he made a thick, appreciative sound.

‘So ready,’ Janusz said.

The first orgasm Nate had was a weak, small thing, coasting on the back of Janusz’ fingers pressing deep and pushing down into his lare glands. He shuddered through it, his cock jerking, though not spilling any come.

Janusz laughed behind him, the sound faintly cruel. With Janusz, it was scary but also thrilling. Nate couldn’t help but tense, even though he wanted that sound too.

‘Definitely ready,’ Janusz said, almost to himself. The sound of clothing shifting, and Nate turned to see Janusz toss his shirt off the side of the bed. He shivered as he heard a zip fly being undone. More movement, and Janusz’ jeans dropped to the floor.

Janusz’ cock pressed to his hole with no preamble, and Nate’s back arched, dipped down, and he pushed back fractionally. He didn’t want to seem needy, but the heat was governing instinctive movements, and he couldn’t stop himself.

‘Good, good,’ Janusz said, rubbing Nate’s lower back. ‘Tell me if it hurts.’

Nate nodded, then cried out as Janusz slowly pushed into him.

Nate hadn’t been having regular penetrative sex since coming to Hillview. There was his first heat and then…nothing. Even the sexual play they were doing was mostly Janusz giving him blowjobs or fingering him, or commanding Nate to do things to him sometimes.

His body was made ready by his heat, but the fullness still came with an ache, a sharp stretch, and he whined before his words took over.

‘Hurts,’ he managed. ‘S’not bad.’

Janusz rubbed at Nate’s hip, then did a grasping motion with his palm along the side of Nate’s thigh. Slow firm grabs, like massaging the muscle, then letting go again, repeating up towards his hips in slow motions. It felt good, and Nate relaxed further as Janusz slid deeper into him. It was sore but good.

The heat haze was quickly eclipsing his ability to think properly. Having his muscles grasped and massaged like that made him feel like he was being held or contained by someone far stronger than him. He was dazed by it.

He groaned thickly when Janusz rocked down into his lare glands, and having the broad head of his cock bully into him like that, had him coming a second time, and then a third, lare glands feeling like they were going into spasm.

Nate cried out, and Janusz gripped Nate’s hips and pushed in with more force, getting deeper and deeper with every thrust. He grunted when Janusz ground down into him, making room for himself, even if it made Nate’s insides twinge. But Nate was well and truly making enough slick that he wouldn’t tear, and the pain came with orgasms that increasingly undid his awareness of what was happening around him.

Heat haze used to terrify him, and he still didn’t like it, how heavy and overwhelming it could be. He knew it had a point, remembered his mum explaining to him that heats could be very physically intense, so omegas wouldn’t remember most of what happened for their own wellbeing. But Nate wanted to remember Janusz inside him like this.

‘Can we do it when I’m not in heat?’ Nate said breathlessly. ‘Please? We don’t have to keep waiting, do we?’

‘Oh, Nate, we can. Of course we can. When you’re ready.’

‘I’m ready, though,’ Nate said.

‘Then we’ll do this outside of your heat, okay? What brought this on?’

Nate pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth, then exhaled hard at an inward thrust that made him feel like his lungs were being squeezed. They weren’t, of course they weren’t, but Janusz knew what he was doing. He moved with purpose, squashing Nate’s thoughts out of his mind.

‘Want to remember,’ Nate said finally, tears coming to his eyes. ‘Won’t remember this properly, that’s all. Want to remember something good.’

Janusz’ hips faltered in their movements, and then Janusz pressed his chest to Nate’s back and wrapped his arms around his chest and middle. His forehead bumped down into Nate’s Kaeper glands. That felt…exquisite. Nate swallowed reflexively and reached for one of Janusz’ hands, tangling his fingers around Janusz’ fingers and bringing his hand up until he could guide those fingers into his mouth.

‘You’re so dangerous, baby,’ Janusz said unevenly. ‘I love you.’

Nate couldn’t say it back still; he didn’t know if he could love an alpha again. But he felt some tender fondness for Janusz, and sucked on his fingers and hoped he’d remember at least this much, even as the heat and fuzziness were smearing everything into colours; the rain grey of Janusz’ eyes, the white of one of his nesting blankets, the limestone chalk of his own skin, and the darker beach sand and pale bark of Janusz’ skin.

He was losing track, and on the back of his next orgasm, everything fell into heat, intensity, and an amount of pleasure he hadn’t known was an option in the past.

*

Nate purred low and quietly as he came back to himself, Janusz’ knot still thick inside him, keeping all the come and slick from escaping. Janusz had rolled them to their sides, breathed against his back, and Nate blinked slowly and then reached weakly for one of the blankets he recognised. A white one. They’d need to wash it after all of this. He folded it against his chest, as Janusz pressed his lips to the back of his head.

‘How’s that, baby?’

‘Full,’ Nate said. Then, thinking he should make more of an effort than that, he searched for more words. ‘Complete.’

‘Complete?’ Janusz said, then pressed his lips to the back of Nate’s neck, mouth brushing across his Kaeper glands. Nate clenched down and gasped, a faint ache lancing up his spine.

Nate had been trained out of asking an alpha to bite him during his heat, but he thought about it. Thought about what those teeth might do to him, what it might mean to be bound to someone like Janusz. It was hard to imagine Janusz hating him, but even if he did, he wouldn’t be mean, would he?

Nate couldn’t bear Janusz being mean to him.

‘It’s better than last time,’ Nate said quietly.

‘Yeah?’ Janusz said, then inhaled tightly and pressed his face to the back of Nate’s head.

‘Yeah,’ Nate said. ‘Still…complicated.’

‘I bet it’s really complicated. You thinking big thoughts?’

‘Do you want to bite me?’

Janusz laughed shakily, his cock throbbed inside him, a kick of movement that made Nate grunt and then squirm, chasing the flash of pleasure. Oh, he’d want Janusz to fuck him again soon. As soon as the knot was down. Nate pushed back automatically, and Janusz grasped his hip.

‘I can’t, baby.’

‘I know,’ Nate said. Of course. Janusz had a job to do, and Nate wasn’t good enough for someone like Janusz.

‘I want to though,’ Janusz added. He sighed behind him. ‘I really want to. I’d retire for you, Nate.’

Nate frowned. That wasn’t… He must have misheard. He opened his mouth to ask about it, but Janusz chose that moment to grind against him, and the stirring of his insides, across his lare glands, his prostate, had him coming again, the band of his belly pulling tight against the rippling sensation shooting through him.

After that, he forgot what he was going to ask Janusz, and focused only on the visceral sensation of being in his body, and getting through his heat.

*

Moments of lucidity after that were fewer and further between.

Nate was aware of being propped up to have a cup of broth, drinking it all and then sitting there wondering if he wanted more, before deciding he was too queasy.

Another time Janusz pulled out of him, and Nate felt so disgusted by the spill of fluids he started crying without really understanding it. And then there was a hot wet cloth, and Janusz patiently cleaning him, and Nate cried harder, sobbing because it was such a generous, sweet thing to do and somehow Nate couldn’t imagine ever deserving something like that. He got halfway through saying he should be the one to do it before Janusz hushed him and used alpha persuasion to get him to relax.

More knots, and Nate pressing down hard into his own pelvis to feel Janusz inside him. Janusz laughed darkly behind him, and grasped Nate’s hand and pushed it up higher, closer to his flank.

‘Here,’ Janusz said. ‘You can’t feel the knot, but you can feel this.’

And he could. A faint bump, where the fullness was sharpest. Janusz was so deep inside him Nate could feel it. Nate massaged down and winced, then cried out when Janusz snapped his hips in response.

‘I can feel that too,’ Janusz said breathlessly. ‘The pressure of your hand. Not much, but enough.’

So Nate pressed in again and weathered the bruising pain of needing to use so much pressure, just to feel Janusz’ helpless, hungry responses. It felt lovely, and he did it until Janusz grabbed his hand and dragged it away, panting behind him.

‘I’m already coming again,’ Janusz ground out behind him. ‘Stop, baby.’

Nate licked at his dry lips and went limp, thinking he might be tired enough to sleep now.

*

The next morning he woke, and they fucked again, but after Janusz’ knot, Janusz carried Nate out into the lounge with blankets around him, and placed him on the couch.

‘Time for some real food,’ Janusz explained, opening the fridge as Nate watched him.

‘It’s only day two,’ Nate said sleepily.

‘You’re not going to have a long cycle with me,’ Janusz said decisively, like he definitely knew Nate’s heats better than he did.

Nate frowned to himself. It was true his last heat hadn’t lasted that long, but that was because it wasn’t a normal heat, right? Nate’s cycles were usually long and brutal. It was normal for him to be unable to stomach food for days. He touched his palm to his stomach and looked down at himself. One side of his belly had reddened from constantly pressing in his knuckles or the heel of his hand into it, where the head of Janusz’ cock settled.

‘It won’t be two days,’ Nate said.

‘Maybe,’ Janusz said, as he spooned some stew into a pot.

He set the burner on low, then came over and cupped Nate’s face in both of his hands. He searched his eyes, bent down and kissed him like it was the easiest thing. Nate’s mouth parted automatically, and Janusz’ tongue slid inside, warm and soft against his, but not deliberately overwhelming. Commanding without being cruel.

Nate sighed and hung on, one hand clutching Janusz’ upper arm, the other grasping his side. Janusz was naked too, and Nate liked him like this while he was in heat. It made everything feel easy.

Janusz pulled away and kissed Nate’s eyebrow.

‘Look at you,’ he said fondly.

‘No thanks,’ Nate said, and Janusz laughed, but he wasn’t mean about that either.

Nate watched Janusz in the kitchen and saw the places he’d bitten without thinking. Teeth marks on his chest, on his upper arms, and wondered if the bite marks hurt. Christian would have hated it.

‘You let me bite you,’ Nate said.

Janusz looked over at Nate and frowned. ‘What’s that?’

‘You let me bite you, like…everywhere,’ Nate gestured at his own chest, his arms, where he’d bitten Janusz.

Janusz looked down at himself and then closed his eyes, almost a wince. ‘Christian didn’t like that?’ he said.

Nate shook his head.

‘What did you do instead?’ Janusz asked.

Nate lifted his hand and mimicked biting into it. He used to bite his arm, his wrist, his hand, his fingers. Whatever he could reach.

‘I’d prefer you bite me,’ Janusz said, stirring the stew. ‘I like it. They’re little badges of honour.’

Ah, that was sweet, wasn’t it? Bitemarks as badges of honour. Nate could turn that into a line if he wanted to. He pulled the blanket closer to himself.

As the food cooked, the smell didn’t make him want to be sick, but he wasn’t that hungry. He watched Janusz put it all in one of the large bowls, and frowned, because there was no way he could eat that much.

‘Most of this is for me,’ Janusz said, as he came over and sat next to Nate on the couch. He ate some first, then placed a smaller amount on the spoon, and blew on it slowly, before offering the spoon to Nate. It was clear he wanted Nate to eat without taking the spoon.

Nate leaned in and took the small amount of food into his mouth. He ate carefully, slowly, his tongue moving around his mouth as he tried to decide if he could eat more without being ill. Eventually – Janusz already holding up another small mouthful – Nate leaned forward again and opened his mouth.

He ate slowly, and Janusz ate most of the stew between Nate’s smaller bites. After a while, Nate shook his head, forehead furrowing, and Janusz nodded like that was fine, and didn’t even tell him he was being naughty. Nate got teary again and shrugged when Janusz asked if he was okay.

When Janusz picked him up to carry him back to the bedroom, Nate tucked his head into Janusz’ neck and sniffed quietly to himself.

‘What’s wrong, baby?’ Janusz crooned.

‘You’re being so nice,’ Nate said.

‘Nate, sweetheart, I’m just doing what anyone should do. But also, I want to take care of you. It makes me feel strong, like I’m exactly where I should be. You have no idea how good it is for me to do this.’

‘Really?’ Nate said, pressing closer as Janusz tried to lower him to the bed.

Janusz chuckled softly and sat down on the bed, keeping Nate gathered close.

‘Really,’ Janusz said. ‘You feeling a bit sooky? You’re all soft deep down, aren’t you? No wonder you get prickly sometimes, having all that to look after. Can I look after some of it too?’

Nate nodded, turning his body towards Janusz. Ah, he was going to need to be knotted again soon. He ached from the sex they’d already had, but it was going to hurt if he didn’t get more, either.

‘Don’t want anyone else,’ Nate said.

‘No?’ Janusz said, sounding not upset or disappointed, but pleased.

‘No,’ Nate said. ‘Just you.’ A pause, and Nate looked up at Janusz. ‘You really won’t bring other people here?’

‘God no,’ Janusz said. ‘You couldn’t pay me. That’s never going to happen, Nate, I swear. Don’t worry, baby, I can handle you all on my own. Promise.’

‘Promise,’ Nate murmured to himself. It sounded like a lovely dream, and Nate wasn’t sure he was allowed those anymore. He hoped Janusz was right.

*

That second day became challenging when Nate started really craving knots. He felt like he didn’t stop needing Janusz inside him, but Janusz was always there, and towards the end of the day when Nate’s body was truly sore, Janusz switched to wiping him down more often, stretching his limbs out, massaging his muscles, and Nate slept through most of it, waking to soothed joints, a cleaner body than he was used to.

On the third day, his heat broke in stages. He took one more knot in the morning, and then a blowjob from Janusz, which surprised him, and then…

And then it was over. He just knew. He felt fragile and sad, as he always did after heats, but Janusz was always there, and he never made it seem like Nate had to be happy or willing to serve or any of those things.

‘The exhaustion, and all the hormones going haywire, sometimes means you get an emotional hangover after,’ Janusz explained, as he had Nate lean against him in the shower and soaped him slowly, thoroughly, wiping away the sweat and everything else Nate wanted gone. ‘It’s not something you’re getting wrong. It’s normal to feel heavy and even down after a heat. It’s normal to need about a week or two to come through it. There’s a reason this only happens once every few months, and that’s because it takes a lot out of you.’

‘But omegas…’ Nate frowned. ‘Shouldn’t we be…thankful?’

‘For what?’ Janusz said, sounding genuinely confused.

‘For…you doing so much for me?’

‘What did I do?’ Janusz said. ‘I got lots of awesome sex from someone who needed some care. And? You think it’s such a hardship for me to take care of you? Don’t answer that sweetheart, I know you do. But where I find my strength as an alpha is in feeling like I can look after you. And sure, sometimes in other parts of my life, I like my cars, my mechanics, Formula One, all of that. But right now, I’m all about you, babe.’

Nate wanted that to make him feel better somehow, but he was still sad, still low, still flat. He kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and instead, he was bundled into a bed that had been freshly changed – a new mattress protector and everything – and given his tablet and one of Corbyn’s books, and some anti-inflammatories for the residual pain.

‘Get some sleep,’ Janusz said, kissing his forehead. ‘I’ll be right here if you need me.’

‘My heats never finish this early,’ Nate said, voice faint. ‘Is… Is this really the way it could be?’

‘Yeah,’ Janusz said, with a warm smile. ‘The whole four-to-five-day cycle is usually… Well, let’s just say it’s not actually as common as omegas think it is. Why? You like it better this way?’

Nate nodded fervently. For a start, he felt wrecked, but definitely not as bad as he’d felt in the past, back with Christian. If heats could always be like this, it would be so much better. Not easy, but better.

‘Good, but right now you’re nursing some mighty fine dark circles under those pretty eyes of yours, so you need to get some sleep, hm? At least try for me.’

‘Okay,’ Nate said meekly, lying on his side, facing Janusz. ‘Can I watch you?’

Janusz was on his phone, resting up against the headboard, and he smiled indulgently at Nate as he nodded. Nate nodded too and watched until his eyelids were too heavy to keep open anymore. He breathed deeply, smelled sharp winter berries, a faint hint of chemical oil, and wondered when that scent had transformed into something so comforting, as he drifted off.